i do feel that my purpose in life is to love and care for other people. but i know i couldnt handle the stress of being a doctor and i dont want children of my own. and taking care of the house without a job of your own while your housemate(s) work is simply unfeasible today. what to do..

Exclusive: the ‘profoundly powerful’ moments that shaped Duchess of Cambridge’s children’s charity work by Camilla Tominey

It all started with secret visits the public never got to see. Newly married, and with the world’s press chronicling her every move – down to the details of her designer dresses – the Duchess of Cambridge resolved to go "below radar".

Acting as Prince William’s "plus one", rather than a fully fledged solo royal in those early days, the newest addition to the Royal family knew that she wanted to find a cause she could champion as impactfully as Diana, the Princess of Wales’s landmine campaign; it was simply a question of where to find it.

Having already announced her first patronage of Action on Addiction, a charity working with people with drug and alcohol problems, Hope House, a women-only rehabilitation centre in Clapham, south London, seemed as good a place as any to start.

It was October 2011 when the then 29-year-old Duchess paid the first of several, incognito visits in a bid to find out what had sent its clients on a downward spiral of self-destruction.

According to Rebecca Priestley, who accompanied the Duchess on the visit and would go on to spend five years as her private secretary, it played a pivotal role in her decision to put childhood at the heart of her philanthropic endeavours.

Speaking on the record for the first time, Mrs Priestley, who is now an executive coach, recalled:  "I remember going up to Anglesey, where they were living after the wedding, to have a conversation with the Duchess about her royal life."

At that point, she had the philanthropic world at her feet. She could have done anything she wanted in the charitable arena. Typically, she had put a lot of thought into it already. Addiction was an issue she was instinctively thinking about – but she was also genuinely interested in understanding what support was there and what role that played in the bigger picture of mainstream societal issues."

With the Duke having flown to the Falklands for a six–week tour of duty with his RAF search and rescue squadron, Mrs Priestley put a programme together to support the Duchess’s desire to "listen and learn"."A lot of it was behind the scenes, just talking to people and hearing where it was that they needed more help.  The one thing that united all of the women at Hope House was that the derailing had started so early on. They could trace the problems in their adult lives back to childhood."

A subsequent private visit in February 2012 to Clouds House, a treatment centre in East Knoyle in Wiltshire, served as further confirmation that the early years should be a key area of focus. But it was during a later meeting with female inmates at a detox unit at Send Prison in Woking when the penny well and truly dropped.

"It was a profoundly powerful moment,” recalled Mrs Priestley. "You go in there with this preconceived idea that these women have done things wrong, that it was their fault. Then one woman started speaking to the Duchess about her earliest memories of seeing needles on the floor of her home."

She had always thought addiction was a misunderstood issue, but after this, she became concerned that there was a pre-destiny about those affected – an inevitability about it. These women were born into it and there was very little chance of escape."

The experience set in train a sequence of events that will next week culminate in the Duchess, 39, stepping up her ambition in driving awareness and action on the impact that early childhood can have on society at large.

She will launch a new initiative through the couple’s Royal Foundation to further explore the science around early childhood, raise awareness of the issue and foster collaboration and partnerships across relevant groups.

According to Lord Hague, who became chairman of the Royal Foundation last September, the "ambitious" new project will be equal in stature to William’s £50 million Earthshot Prize, launched last year with Sir David Attenborough to find workable solutions to climate change and environmental problems.

"The Duchess truly believes this is one of the great issues of our time," said the former Tory leader. "This is the central plank of her work in the way conservation issues are for the Duke. It’s a hugely significant moment."

While politicians are often in a rush to make a difference during the comparatively short time they have in office, royals are there for life, which perhaps explains why Kate has taken 10 years to get to this point.Having been instrumental in launching the Heads Together campaign with William and Prince Harry in 2016, designed at tackling the stigma and changing the conversation on mental health, it was not until 2018 that she convened a steering group of experts to look at how cross-sector collaboration could bring about lasting change.

In January, she delivered a landmark speech after her Five Big Questions on the Under Fives survey garnered over 500,000 responses.

"People often ask why I care so passionately about the early years," the mother-of-three said.

"Many mistakenly believe that my interest stems from having children of my own. While of course I care hugely about their start in life, this ultimately sells the issue short. If we only expect people to take an interest in the early years when they have children, we are not only too late for them, we are underestimating the huge role others can play in shaping our most formative years, too."

Pointing out that the social cost of late intervention has been estimated to be over £17 billion a year, she added: "The early years are therefore not simply just about how we raise our children. They are in fact about how we raise the next generation of adults. They are about the society we will become."

According to Eamon McCrory, Professor of Developmental Neuroscience and Psychopathology at University College London, the Duchess "has a vision of how she can help transform how we as a society view and invest in the early years for the benefit of society".

Describing her interest in "the role the brain shapes our early experiences and how that sets us on a path to adult life", he explained: "When you look at very young babies and infants, on the surface they don’t appear to be engaging in complex emotions so there's a tendency to underestimate the millions of synapses that are being formed every minute. But science is telling us we have to look under the bonnet.

"There’s no question that for the Duchess, this is a lifetime piece of work. The last five years laid the foundations, now we are entering a more proactive phase.” Described by one source as “thoughtful, professional and determined to do a good job,” there is a sense that Kate has never been in it for the early wins, but the long haul.

As one well-placed insider put it: "She took the job very seriously right from the very beginning. She continues to want to get it right and do her very best - for the institution, for William and the importance of the work she’s doing.

"She doesn't just want to rock up for a picture opportunity, which is why she used to get quite frustrated with all the early focus on what she was wearing. She really cares about this stuff."

Another source said she was "much more fun" than people give her credit for, pointing out how she has grown in confidence having found a cause that she is not only passionate about - but also well informed.

As Lord Hague put it: "She’s been reading the books and had trustees reading the books. People assume her interest in the early years is because she has children – actually it comes from all the adults she’s met." The other key influence has been Kate’s own idyllic childhood.

Brought up in leafy Bucklebury in West Berkshire by her entrepreneur parents Michael and Carole Middleton, pictured below with the royal family, the Duchess has never made any secret of how fortunate she has been to be brought up in a loving and supportive family.

"She always recognised that she benefited from such a great start in life," added Mrs Priestley.

"That’s why sport and the outdoors has always been a key theme for her. She was always asking how those sorts of experiences could be made accessible to others."

For Dame Benny Refson, president of the children’s mental health charity Place2Be, where the Duchess has been patron since 2013, Kate’s grounded upbringing has proved an asset.

“The Duchess listens and people feel heard and valued. It’s nothing to do with privilege. The groups she meets in challenging areas in London don't look at what she's wearing. What makes a difference is that an important person has shown a genuine interest in them. She can relate without passing judgement, which is so important."

Having started out as a reticent public speaker, the Duchess has finally found her voice – and next week she will have a lot more to say.

do you have any theories about the india trip ?? personally, im not sure what to think about it, but i’d love to hear your thoughts !!

(Sorry its taken me so long to answer this - it just got lost in my drafts cause im an idiot lmao 🤦‍♀️)

Im not entirely certain on what I believe happened in India, if in fact anything did happen at all - but more on that later! I guess though that these are the main theories (though if you have any differing opinions/theories, feel free to discuss them!):

1. Paul rejected John’s advancements

2. John wanted to further their relationship, and Paul wanted to maintain the ‘friends with benefits’ situation they already had

3. Nothing significant happened between the two (yet something still changed in John)

I’ll try to discuss which theories I find the most convincing, compelling and substantiated - as well as offering my own opinions and hypothesis’s ^^ (discussion bellow the cut)

1. Paul rejected John’s advancements

The theory I would say im most drawn to - not the theory that im necessarily most convinced by though - is that John made a move on Paul, after a few years of pining for him, and was subsequently rejected. Its a theory that I tend to be compelled by, but I have to admit that its one I struggle to justify entirely. The problem with this theory, for me, is that this is a conclusion ive drawn based mostly off of what their relationship appeared to look like after India. It seems as though something must have happened between them to have ruptured their relationship as profoundly as it did - and because they were on relatively good terms before India*, combined with certain inferences we could draw from comments John made regarding his feelings towards Paul and their relationship, it feels as though it’s possible that he made an advance on Paul, which was rejected and thus caused the ultimate disintegration of the Lennon/McCartney relationship.

(*I mean, their relationship was always complicated and difficult - but it seems that it was okay-ish prior to India, and then just inexplicably plummeted after the trip)

But nobody (as far as im aware) has confirmed, or even really alluded to, this advancement or rejection ever having happened. And the lack of evidence substantiating the claim is a major draw back for me!

However, I do also feel as though nobody’s really come out about anything that happened in India - all ive heard is that they meditated, wrote songs, John and Cyn fought, and Ringo ate baked beans. But like, more must have happened on the trip, surely? Im not saying the absence of information regarding the trip is proof that there was a big “lovers quarrel” between John and Paul, and that everyone involved in that trip is now just sworn to secrecy or something - but like, id just like to see a biographer really investigate the holiday, and try to conclude what events might have occurred during the trip, because as of right now, with the information we have, it seems to have been, bizarrely, both a lacklustre and uneventful, yet still hugely impactful event. If the narrative of the “India trip” were to be shifted in the future in light of new information, the same way the narrative of “Let It Be/Get Back” is being changed, I wouldn’t be surprised!

2. John wanted more, but Paul didn’t

Another popular theory is that John and Paul were engaged in something of a physical affair, but in India John proposed (or perhaps demanded even) that they take their relationship further, and Paul just wasn’t compelled to do so.

Beliefs vary regarding this, based on how far you personally think their relationship went: some might say they only ever did a little drunken experimenting with one another, and that it was just a fun fling until John suggested they take it further. Others might argue that they were in fact in a committed relationship, and John wanted to go public with it - or at the very least, demanded exclusivity between him and Paul.

In entertaining this theory, im most compelled to believe that John and Paul were engaged in occasional “flings”, and perhaps by ‘68 were even acknowledging that there was some deeper and more sincere between them - but ultimately, I don’t think Paul would have ever been inclined to fully commit to John, because I think he always wanted children and a family. In addition to this, though its clear John and Paul were passionate about one another, it isn’t clear how compatible they were in the long term - and with Paul being the more grounded of the too, I suspect he would have recognised this incompatibility, which John (the idealist) might not have.

Though I admit that John could certainly be unrealistic and irrational, im not convinced that he suggested to Paul they go public with their relationship, because I think John still had a fairly strong sense of his place in popular culture, and would have still been able to recognise that if they were to “come out”, it would probably deeply and irreparably damage both their careers - as well as George and Ringo’s too - at least amongst the general public. They’d still have some ardent fans, but their following overall would have become far more niche, and the “beatlemania” would’ve worn off swiftly. Im not sure if either of them would’ve been willing to take that heat in ‘68, especially not Paul, who as I mentioned earlier, I think might have recognised the futility and incompatibility inherent in their relationship.

Then again though, John was always a little “cocky”* when it came to his sexuality - I think if an interviewer were to genuinely have enquired into his sexuality, straight up asking him “Are you bi? Gay?” I get the sense that he would have told us! Sure he’d probably have dressed the response up with a dozen quick quips and jokes, but ultimately, I think he would have given a sincere response. And so, perhaps he did feel he had the confidence, at least in India, to actually “come out”, but if Paul wasn’t willing to make this official with him, perhaps this confidence dissipated.

(*No pun intended you pervs🤦‍♂️)

Another thing to note about India is that they’d have been relatively secluded, as well as off the drugs/drinks for the most part - and this would have forced them to really reflect upon their relationship. Perhaps John saw that he wasn’t contented with Cynthia, and recognised his desire for more from Paul - and so in such a raw state of mind, I can see how he’d become so shattered if Paul were to have rejected him (that statement could relate both to the first and second theory, I feel). Perhaps John made an advance upon Paul whilst they were both sober for the first time, and that changed their relationship somehow? Just thinking out loud here!

But again, this theory overall has the same problem as the first in that, though it appears to make sense, it still lacks proof; it ultimately isn’t a substantiated claim.

3. Nothing happened between J&P, but something changed

This is probably the theory that everybody is least interested in hearing, but I still think its a pretty valid one, albeit the least dramatic (In my opinion though its still a really interesting perspective to explore though!).

Its possible that nothing of particular significance happened in India, but something still shifted in John, causing him to vilify and reject Paul. The issue with this though, is that it begs the question: why did John undergo such a significant change in India then?

Id argue that perhaps John was making very subtle and slight moves towards Paul, that Paul either ignored or didn't pick up on. Id assume that perhaps John had been hinting at this desire for awhile now, and maybe he got it into his head that in India, where him and Paul would have a lot of time to be alone and intimate, his feelings would finally be reciprocated. But then, Paul never picked up on these hints, and never made any advancements - and this broke something within John. It would fit neatly within the Yoko narrative, because it offers reasoning to the abrupt but intense attachment John formed towards her almost immediately after India - as well as explaining the sudden vilification of Paul. But I suppose that the first two theories also fit pretty neatly within the Yoko narrative, because they all relate to the same basic concept that John wanted more from Paul, and Paul didn’t - and so he tried to replace him with Yoko.

I suppose though, that the this theory overall could also be countered by making the argument that Paul also began to spiral after India, and so some occurrence presumably must have happened to Paul too. I wonder though if its possible that maybe Pauls spiralling was kind of a result of Johns? I get the sense though that Paul would need a change in his life to cause his mental health to seriously deteriorate, but I don’t feel like the same is necessarily true for John - I think John is sort of the type to spiral, irregardless of whether his life undergoes a significant change or not, because I think John was the force driving a lot of the drama and troubles throughout his lifetime. So if Johns mental well-being started seriously deteriorating, I can see this being a cause of panic and anxiety for Paul.

But something that further inclines me to believe that an actual event occurred between John and Paul is this extract from Geoff Emmericks memoir (x)(id recommend reading the entire extract, its interesting!):

‘I glanced in Paul’s direction. He was staring straight ahead, expressionless and weary. He didn’t have much to say about India that day, or any other. I sensed at that moment that something fundamental in them had changed.”’

It just really feels as though there was some confrontation between John and Paul that had to have happened to perpetuate the miscommunication later seen between them. Like if there hadn’t been some kind of confrontation, then I can’t really understand why Paul would be reluctant to speak about India, or harbour any regrets or dismay regarding the journey. Perhaps you could drill it down to the betrayal they appeared to have felt by Maharishi allegedly hitting on girls - but I feel like this was a “betrayal” mostly felt by John, I never really got the sense that Paul was deeply effected by it.

But yeah - those are the main theories I think.

Overall, I think that the third theory is probably the most substantiated claim, but I think it leaves a lot to desired. It just doesn’t feel like it totally fits together, as though theres more to the story - but I guess relationships and peoples psyches aren’t puzzles, and so not everything is always going to piece together perfectly; but I dunno.

Like I said though, the theory im most compelled by is the first. I acknowledge that it lacks evidence, but it just seems to make a lot of sense to me! But really, who knows what the hell happened in India?

If anyone else has an opinion on all this, or wants to expand upon or even suggest a new theory, feel free to! I always like hearing from you guys!

Norray halloween week Day 1: Ghosts!

If curious, below are some random info about this Teacher/ghost AU

Ray got a gun and he can use it. The ghost gun isn’t able to touch, much less physically hurt anyone, but it replicate the sound of a real gun, which contributed a lot to how low priced his haunted house rent has become. It nearly gave Norman a heart attack the first time he heard it.

After being dead for a while, Ray learned how to turn visible and invisible at will and play around small objects such as paper, shoes and butcher knives. He can control up to 4 small objects at a time or something relativaly heavy like a chair if he really concentrate. The more he got the hang of controling and moving small objects the lower his house rent become, rarely getting aggressive but still able to physically hurt people. On All Hallows Eve he can posses people’s bodies and get out of the house he haunts, but he always ends up back to his empty ‘home’ when the night is over.

Ray is an incredibly fast learner. Just by observing the people that visits his house, he learned a decent amount of modern english and understand the basics of how tecnology is a  thing now -he wished this advanced tecnology was invented when he was alive. It would make the of lack of food and nutrients less of a deadly nightmare in open sea.

As a pirate, Ray used to be the one in charge of doing most of the bloody work and take the night watch, protecting his captain’s back from both outside and inside forces. He was constantly alert, borderline paranoic. But as the years in death passed, he grew more calm, very patient. He usually don’t mind new people in his house, happy to learn more modern english and befriend the guests willing to tolerate him. If a new guest cross a line however,  Ray will do his best to scare them away. Hurt them or kill them by manipulating knives if he sees fit.

It’s very rare for adults to see Ray as anything other than a nonsense they have no energy to deal with or a warning sign for their crumbling lives, so he usually hang around kids. The childish company mellows him with time.

Ray is from a time where death was common and getting hurt was inevitable so what people consider pretty serious is something Ray considers mild “Why are you being so dramatic about seeing some bone? Be grateful your hand is still attached to your wrist after you slaped your daughter. If it wasn’t for her wishes you wouldn’t have legs to run away.”

Norman is considered a genius and have countless prizes under his belt. He wanted to go to the moon when he was a kid but because of his weak health, he knew he would not be acepted in the space program. He decided teaching was the next best thing later on, accepted as a teacher in a prestigious school while still young. He enjoys and understand all subjects but love history the most, unable to deny it was hard and frustrating to teach a whole class of teens at times but still liking his job. Having one student that was genuinaly interested in his class was more than enough to make his day.

When Norman first started teaching, he felt more responsable than he had his whole life. It wasn’t a bad feeling per see, but it made him anxious so he called his little sister Cherry once a week to ask her questions about her teachers and make sure he was doing a good job.

Norman may not be the funniest of teacher but he’s still a favorite for his palpable cares for his students. He does not make the subject easier than is requested but he put a lot of effort into making people enjoy their world history, teaching with passion and seriously answering any questions, no matter how silly or joking it sounds. He’s understanding and try his best to help those with dificulty with the subject, always giving people second chances, having lost countless nights of sleep correcting re-writen essays after deadlines and turning his test questions into podcasts for students with adhd, aware the big historical excerpts are fundamental for answering the test but too hard to focus, specially with limited time.

The lambda crew are problem children. Norman went the extra mile to save Barbara and Zazie from failing classes even outside history and left Vincent startruck with his wide knowladge about not only world history but a ton of subjects he could be teaching too if he wasn’t overworking himself. Norman is both happy to inspire the squad to study hard and also very awkward by their blind admiration.

The teacher had a firm “ghost don’t exist”  mentality, which is one of the reasons he brought the haunted house in the first place. He had chalked Ray up as an halucination from his sleep deprived brain, having the rotten luck of buying the house right after a bad guest owned. The ghost got more annoyed than usual from things as insignificant as Norman keeping the lights on for too long, putting music Ray doesn’t vibe with, or just acting unfairly cute, to more personal matters such as Norman studying about Ray and his family lives. They used to have a distant and bad relationship but once Ray noticed Norman had only admiration for history, being genuinaly kind when trying to talk instead of mocking his existence, Ray apologised. Norman was still wary at first but they quickly hit off, enjoying to learn what the other had to offer and matching in wits.

When Norman catch a fever or a bad cold Ray gets wary. He know, on some level, that medicine have evolved a lot, but he remenbers way too clearly how serious even the weakest of diseases could get if not imediatly treated.  He always stick by Norman’s side when the teacher sneezes, not taking his eyes off him. Usually Norman keep working when he catch a cold, so Ray learned to float Norman’s grading papers out of his reach when coughing joined his sneezes. Floating a paper is enough to get Norman to take a break most of the time, but if the get stubborn Ray will stop playing nice. Just lower his voice to comander mode and order “Rest. Now. Or I’ll make your life a living hell.” and Norman does what he’s told, it’s very unconfortable to have a gun in the face and he does feel very tired.

When Norman is seriously sick, not just coughing but stuck to his bed. Ray freak out and fear for his life. When it reached this level, most of his crewmates died or had to be thrown in the sea to not infect other. Yes Ray know it’s not as bad anymore, but even when he observed guests, they rarely got sick, and when it got bad they where taken to a doctor. Norman lives alone so he got no one to feed him and bring him blankets or take him to the doctor if he lies for hours in bed. Ray was all the help he would get and he is fucking dead, he can’t measure his temperature or take care of him properly. Ray does tries his best though. He concentrated a lot to float heavy blankets and pillows towards Norman. Imediatly fetching any pills asked of him and doing his best to make him tea. It isn’t tasty, but Norman still appreciates his care.

Ray is the first to fall in love, he think “If only I could  kiss this fool and hug him, I would do it on the daily. I wish he was alive back then... He would love meeting Emma...” at least once a week but a big part of him is just “Forget scurvy! Norman would die of cold or malnutricion before he reached 10. Thank god the helpless bastard took his sweet time to be born.”

Ray cannot touch any eletronics, he can’t even come close without phones, computers, and tvs turning to statics, so Norman buys an illustrated book about the Red Mane Pirates for Ray to see his crew again. He know is not perfect but is the best he can offer whenever Ray expresses missing his family.

They read together. Norman occasionally teaching a new word to his ghost and Ray correcting any historical inacuracy. It’s fun.

Norman finds an illustration of an alive Ray sleeping in the mast waaay too beautiful. Ray snort at the romantized draw, disolving into laughter by how Norman failed to hide his blush.

It became a habit to read history books together and tease each other. More often then not, it lead to a history class and way to much sass on both ends.

“Wait, so there really was a world war? I heard about it from old guests but I thought they were exagerating when they called world war! And what do you mean 2? There was a second one??”

“How did miss the second one? It was HUGE, quite horribl-”

“You were not even alive when it happened.”                                        

“Tecnically, you weren’t either Ray-” 

Ray is a bit scared of how attached he got to Norman, knowing eventually the man would die. He hopes it will take a long time, and that once he had a painless death, he will become a ghost too, but he doesn’t really believe Norman will ever turn into a ghost. Ray knows not everyone that dies became a ghost. Since someone as compassionable as Emma -even if she was forced to have blood and dirty choises on her hand to survive the merciless seas- was not cursed to became a ghost, he was confident someone as kind as Norman would dissapear from Ray’s afterlife once he died too.

More of this AU here

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And since you reached the end of this text wall. You can have this bonus Norman being awkward/excited about their growing friendship.

This Needs To Stop.

Trigger warning: Sensitive topics, p*dopilia, grooming, mental health and r*cism. 

Ok so this is a bit of a rant so apologies for that, I usually try to stay away from sensitive or controversial topics but this is something that I am passionate about and that I think is important. Also I just want to say that I am in no way directing this to the entirety of the M*lina fandom, I know most are just enjoying their ship, but there are those few who are deliberately seeking out darklina posts or are cross tagging and coming into darklina’s asks and just generally harassing the fandom which sadly I am seeing happen more and more often. Also I do feel like this can apply to all fandoms not just exclusively shadow and bone/ grishaverse, its just this is the one I am experiencing it in right now.   

I’ve seen antis call darkling/darklina fans many problematic things, delusional, mentally ill, ab*se apologists. They also like throwing around words like grooming and p*dophile. The thing that makes me angry about this is that they are taking sensitive topics, topics that many users have been effected by and they are using them to attack shippers merely for liking a character or ship that they don’t. What is even more frustrating is they seem to be throwing these words around without evening fully understanding what they even mean. For example the claim that the Darkling is a p*dophile because Alina is only 17 in the books. Well p*dophilia is a psychiatric disorder where adults are attracted to children and in order for it to be classed as p*dophilia the child involved has to be 13 or younger. A 16 year old can be diagnosed as a p*dophile if they become attracted to a child that is five years or more younger than them. So the relationship between the Darkling and Alina does not meet the criteria to be categorised this way as Alina is over the age of 13. As for it being a case of Alina is underaged, well, for one that depends on where in the world you are. This is based on imperial russia, in russia the age of consent is 16. This means that a 16 year old can have a sexual relationship with a 30 year old, a 70 year old or a 500 year old immortal and in a court of law it is still legal, whatever your own moral issues around age gaps might be. Even then it can be argued that it is irrelevant because, as with most historical literature where young girls marry older men, you cannot put modern day concepts onto them. Like I said this story is based on Imperial Russia, the life expectancy of a person in that time was around 30 years old. That means a 15 year old girl is already half way through her life, she is literally middle aged. It is at this point usually that girls started to prepare to get married and have children and yes sometimes it was to an older man because men were expected to provide for their wife and family which means having a house and job and means to support a family which an older man was more likely to have. My point is a 15-17 year old in say Imperial Russia is not the same as a 15-17 year old in modern day therefore you can’t take modern day laws and morals and place them onto that situation, it doesn’t work, they lived completely different lives. In Alina’s world, she is at the age where girls might get married and her being courted by a man of the general’s status would have been a normal occurrence, for her to have caught the attention of someone with his standing would have been considered very advantageous for her. I mean she literally gets two marriage proposals in book 2, where I believe she is still 17, and Nikolai is talking about how if she marries him it’ll be in name only and they can make Mal her guard so she can do the horizontal tango with him whenever she feels like it, so clearly the characters themselves feel like Alina is at an age where she can, one get married, and two be engaging in a sexual relationship. 

So why does all of this matter? Well it matters because people reading these posts, asks and comments left on posts, may be victims of p*dophilia and grooming. A lot of these comments don’t have trigger warnings and when you are talking about sensitive and triggering topics like this you need to be careful and when you are talking about them without even really understanding them, and where they can’t apply to the characters you are talking about anyway, then you are potentially triggering someone needlessly because you didn’t need to be talking about it in the first place, I hope I am making sense there. I am not saying don’t talk about these subjects if you do think they are relevant, I am saying make sure you do the research, that you understand the subject you are addressing and when you do talk about it do it in a respectful manner, don’t throw it out there in an angry spew accompanied by alot of other derogatory words because that won’t help anyone.     

Another subject I want to talk about is I am also seeing a lot of posts about how darklinas must be delusional or mentally unwell. This, again, is hurtful and harmful. Mental illness for a very long time has had a stigma around it, one that makes the person suffering from it feel weak and ashamed. There was always the attitude of if you are mentally ill then there is something wrong with you, or the attitude of oh just get over it, cheer up, think a different way. But mental illness isn’t just a state of emotion its often caused by hormonal imbalances and chemicals. Genetics can also play a part. There is nothing wrong with someone who is mentally ill their brain is just wired a different way. I also find it problematic when people throw around the word delusional. Maybe its nothing to you, just a word, but alot of mental illnesses have actual delusions as one of their symptoms. These can be scary and upsetting and are outside the control of the person experiencing them. Making the suggestion that liking a particular ships means you are delusional is potentially very triggering to those who do battle delusions and have fought to overcome them. The stigma around mental illness has prevented alot of people suffering from mental illness from seeking help out of shame or embarrassment or even out of fear of being judged and although I do feel like as a society we’ve become alot more open about mental health and alot more accepting there is still a long way to go. When antis start saying things like ‘I can’t believe people ship this, they must be mentally ill,’ or ‘they must be sick in the head’, or ‘if you like this ship than you must be delusional’ not only are they being incredibly prejudice against people who have mental illnesses but it is also so harmful because if there is someone reading that post who is struggling with their mental health and are considering seeking help then you’ve just made them feel more ashamed, more like there is something wrong with them which will make them even less likely to seek out help and as I said before there isn’t anything wrong with a person who has a mental health condition they are just different from you. That doesn’t give you the right to make them feel like they are less capable of deciding what they do or do not like or even what they should or should not like to be classified as a ‘normal’ person. 

The most latest problematic statements I’ve seen have been those accusing Darklina’s of being r*cist. This one I found a bit funny in a it’s not funny kind of way. I just don’t think there is much logic behind this view point. I’m not sure I understand the antis reasoning here. Mostly because I’m pretty sure the majority of the Darklina fandom comes from the books where Mal is described as being a white, brown haired, blue eyed guy. Funnily enough the Darkling is described as being able to pass for Shu, though to be clear it isn’t confirmed that he is a POC, but out of the two in the books the Darkling is more likely to be a POC than Mal. On top of that whilst many darklina fans have made it clear they are not a fan of Mal in the books many have said they like the show version of Mal who, as we all know, the actor Archie is a POC. So by anti logic darklinas are all r*cist because they don’t like book Mal who is depicted as white but we do like show Mal who is a POC. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I do understand that there were some ‘fans’ who made inappropriate and r*cist comments to some cast members including Archie and I would never ever condone that no matter who I ship. But you also can’t condemn an entire fandom just because of the actions of a select few. I don’t judge all M*linas for that one fan who accused Ben of being a pr*dator and p*dophile because of his friendship with Jessie. Once again my point is r*cism is a serious topic and not something someone should use as a retort or comeback to someone not shipping your ship. When we use these words casually it makes it less likely that they’ll be taking seriously when they really do need to be taken seriously, when they really are relevant to what is happening. If we keep using them so casually then when we really do need to talk about them, when it really matters, people will just shrug and go ‘its just antis being antis.’ 

I think it is possible for people to like different things, to debate and analyse different relationships and characters and talk about what flaws they may have in a respectful manner. I wouldn’t say I am anti m*lina but at the same time there are things about them that I find problematic but when I talk about those things I hope I do so in a way that doesn’t demean those who do like the ship. I understand that people will have a different interpretation than me and whilst I might not understand where their thinking comes from or why they have a particular opinion I would never make the assumption that they are mentally unwell or make judgements on their character or morals. I try to think about the words I am writing. I know how easy it can be to just throw a word out there without thinking about it. I used to use the word delusional to describe fans of certain ships, but when I recognised how damaging and problematic that was I stopped and I changed my behaviour because it was never my intention to hurt others. I guess the main message I am trying to convey here is we need to be careful with our words they’re not as insignificant as we might think.                

What are your favourite 5 things about your favourite 5 royals?

Catherine (HRH The Duchess of Cambridge)

her work with mental health - as someone who suffers with mental health issues, her work in this field interests me immensely. She’s also been at the forefront of a push to make mental health less taboo and more easily spoken about. Professor Peter Fonagy said she’s “done more to turn the tide of stigma around mental health than any other single individual that I could name”

her work with early years - as a primary school teacher, this is also a field that massively interests me. Something I’ve been pushing is for more mental health support and a wider support for the emotional and mental health of children and their families. It’s something I think would have helped me in my childhood. I’m very excited to see where her work with early years goes

her relationship with her family - both the brf and the middletons. I love that she’s so close to her parents and siblings and I bet she’s the best auntie to little Arthur. I also have always loved how well she has embedded herself with the BRF. Her relationships with Charles, Camilla, Harry, and Zara, in particular, mean the world to me

her babies - mama kmiddy is the love of my life. I can’t believe I’ve watched her go from little Waity Katie to a full on mother of three. George is 7. She will have gone through first teeth, first steps, first words, with all of them. I can’t cope

her fashion - I know everyone in the world says her fashion is boring but it’s very close to my style and that’s just rude. Plus, occasionally she BRINGS IT and I love that

Madeleine (HRH Princess of Sweden)

her family - she had to go through being cheated on in the public eye, in the close aftermath of her sister’s wedding, but she found her prince charming. She’s got three beautiful children and she is so devoted to them. In any walk of life, she would be a stay at home mum, at least until the children got older, and being a mum suits her so much

her work with childhood - the fact she works so closely with a charity founded by her mum is so sweet. She’s also on the board with Childhood Sweden and an honorary board member for Childhood USA. It’s a worldwide charity which covers a particularly important issue and I’m glad that Madde continues to work with it

her relationship with her siblings - Vikkan, Madde, and Lilip are my absolute favourite royal siblings. You can see how close they are in all their interactions and they not only all clearly love each other, but they extend that love to each other’s partners. To watch the go from three siblings in 2010 to three siblings, three spouses, and seven children in 2020 has been an honour

her min stora dag tea party - do you mean my favourite royal event of all time? Madde, in full princess drag, weaing a giant tiara and her orders, sat on the floor with a bunch of seriously ill children. These little princes and princesses were able to eat in a palace, off official antique china, with a real life princess. It makes my heart swell. The fact she brought Leonore was the icing on the cake

her evening looks - I’m back to being shallow but there is one royal who was born to wear evening gowns and tiaras and it’s Madeleine. She looks every inch the fairytale princess in a full on evening gown and she does tiara hair better than anyone

Sofia (HRH Princess of Sweden)

her wedding day - sofia’s wedding was the first non-brf wedding I watched and was actually on the day I started using this blog so it has a special day in my heart. From her wedding dress, to having Estelle in her wedding party, to the performance of Joyful, Joyful, it means a lot to me

her outfit at gabriel’s christening - for years, her outfit at Alexander’s christening was my favourite. But then she pulled out the big guns for Gabriel’s. Being from Dalarna and having her son become the Duke of Dalarna, she rocked up in national dress and stole my heart forever

the way she accepted her role - from her speech about wanting a beach wedding but that not being princess appropriate, to beginning to take on independent roles as a royal, to being accepted by the Swedes, she has taken to her role better than nearly any other married in royal. I’m in awe of how well she’s done it

the way she is still herself - if I have to see anyone else say “she should probably cover her tattoo”, I’m going to scream. She’s Princess Sofia of Sweden but she’s also Sofia, ex-glamour model, and she’s ok with that. She doesn’t try to hide her past but accepts it is part of her and moves on

sophiahemmet - not only do I love the work she’s done with sophiahemmet over the years, but she cemented herself as a forever fave when she started working as a volunteer at the hospital to help during the 2020 Covid-19 pandemic. She didn’t need to do that but she did. Every other royal could take a leaf from her book

Marie (HRH Princess of Denmark)

her relationship with alexandra and her step-children - I’m forever in awe at how well she coped with marrying Joachim considering how beloved Alexandra was (and still is) in Denmark. Alexandra and Marie seem to get on really well and Nikolai and Felix (Felix in particular) both appear to have a close relationship with Marie and their half-siblings

her work with food waste - this is such a dull but important topic. The fact she quietly educated herself on the topic, pulled together people who knew a lot about the area, and then began to spread awareness was a very smart way to do it. I’ve loved how she’s including Athena and Henrik with her work in this area

her relationship with denmark - I know everyone talks about how well Mary has coped with moving from Denmark but I think everyone forgets Marie is also from a different country. I loved her little relationship with Henrik, considering they were both French, and I think she’s done a wonderful job of assimilating into a new country and a new culture. Her recent interview, where she said she is Danish and Denmark is her home, but France still has a place in her heart, really pushed this home for me

her dedication to the drf - she married the “spare”, she is the second wife of said spare, and she could easily have sat back, done the bare minimum, and turned up for tiara events. But she didn’t. She was really close with Henrik and seems to get along well with Margrethe. Marie, Mary, and Frederik also seem to get on well. Marie seems to be a loving aunt. She works hard and wants to work for the family (which also seemed clear in that article) and she clearly loves them a lot

her relationship with her babies - mama Marie is so sweet. She puts her children and step-children first. When they are with her at public events, she makes sure they are safe and happy and, if they are uncomfortable, she makes them feel safe, while still maintaining a good relationship with the press. (I’m also in awe of how well she deals with the press but that’s an issue for another day)

Letizia (HM Queen of Spain)

how she’s overcome the negativity towards her - sometimes I forget how much both Spain and the royal watching world hated Leti. Sometimes I forget how after that Easter incident, the royal watching world turned on Leti for protecting her daughter. Letizia holds her head high and gets on with her work. She is a mother and a queen and she ignores the press and public reaction against her

her fashion - damn, Leti dresses SMART. If there was a royal I’d want to get business chic inspo from, it’s Letizia. She rewears clothes a lot and she wears a lot of high street designs, and this has helped her to cultivate a useful and fashionable wardrobe

her little family - Leti, Felipe, Leonor, and Sofia are a tiny oasis. I’m proud of Leti and Felipe for protecting their children for as long as they did and I’m proud they are now supporting them as they begin to have a public-facing life. Leti clearly adores her children and I love watching her watch Leonor give speeches.

her passion for travel - Leti strikes me as a wonderful diplomat and I don’t know if that’s true but I’m going with it. She seems to have a wonderful relationship with every royal, politician, and head of state she meets. Along with Felipe, she visits a wide range of countries and she appears knowledgeable and caring

her work with children’s rights - there’s nothing I love more than Leti and babies! She’s worked in children’s rights since her marriage and it’s an area of work I am obsessed with. You can see this passion in her defence of her own children and it makes me happy that she takes this passion and this love and gives it to children who need it

Survey #406

“turned on all the lights, the tv, and the radio  /  still, i can’t escape the ghost of you”

Have you ever had an ulcer? No. Do you have any rare medical conditions? I believe AvPD is considered to be a rare mental disorder. Do you have to carry an epi pen? No. What color is your mailbox? I think it's black. I don't pay attention. Would you ever want a job working with animals? I'd love to. The thing is, without a degree in something, my duties working with animals would almost certainly involve cleaning up after them, which I am WAY too squeamish with fecal matter and vomit to do. It's extremely embarrassing, but I've never even been able to clean up after my own pets if they ever had an accident or got sick. I obviously couldn't do it with random animals. Did you have a good high school experience? It's... so odd, retrospecting on high school. In some ways, it was the best time of my life because of my memories with my friends and especially Jason, but at the time, I absolutely loathed it and was horribly depressed. But at least I saw a future for myself. I took better care of myself, all that stuff... That Brittany would be fucking mortified to get a glimpse at who she becomes. Have you ever watched any Monty Python movies? Which one is your favourite? I know I've seen some of at least one. Would you ever get a "below the belt" piercing? Nah. If a couple is married, do you think there should be any legal punishment if one person cheats? No...? Like don't get me wrong at all, I am firmly against cheating under any circumstance, but for there to be legal retribution seems extreme. What is the greatest source of anxiety for you? My future. Are there any hallucinogenic drugs you’d like to try? Nah man. What made you choose your current job? I'm unemployed. Do you feel uncomfortable on the dance floor? Or are you confident with you dancing abilities? Oh hunny, you won't see me on the dance floor. Unless MAYBE if the Cha-Cha Slide comes on, or the Cupid Shuffle. That's as skilled as I get, haha. Is it exciting to you to imagine having an affair with a teacher? ... No??????????? It's fucking creepy. Adultery isn't exciting. Do you like your smile? No. I absolutely look high when I smile. What is something silly that you believed to be true when you were a child? That I could invoke the traits of any animal, which I just referred to as my "animal powers." Like for example, if I "called upon" a kangaroo, I could jump higher. I was a weird fucking kid. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone you completely connected with on a mental/emotional level, but did not find physically attractive in any way? Was physical intimacy a problem? How did it work out? I was never really physically attracted to Girt, but it was never a big deal to me. I cared way more about his personality and how much he cared about me. We were never really "intimate," per se, we just would give each other a simple peck. It didn't work out, but not at all because of physical things. He was just too much of a brother to me. What classic or cult movie have you never seen and have no desire to? Hm. I know there's some, but I'm blanking. Does The Human Centipede count here? Like everyone knows about it, so I would assume it does. I have ZERO desire to see a second of that repulsive movie. Have you ever taken a real liking to a band/singer you never ever....ever thought you'd enjoy? Maybe Melanie Martinez? Her voice is so cutesy, as are some of her songs, but I really enjoy how dark her lyrics can be. People who know me would probably be shocked to hear I thoroughly like her. After seeing the movie Avatar did you suddenly view our Earth as ugly and/or boring? If you have not seen the movie, do you think it’s worth your time? I've seen a little bit of it, but I never finished it because I was very tired and chose to go to sleep. I actually do want to see the full thing, though; it looks very good. How helpful are your parents to you? Would they help you to pay for your first apartment? College? Where does the line end? My parents are truly incredible with helping me the best they are capable of. They helped me pay for school, among other things, but I doubt they'd help with my first home, whenever that is. I wouldn't really want them to, either, because that's my responsibility for sure. Do you like playing video games? If so, what do you usually play? I love video games, and horror is absolutely my favorite genre. I also love fantasy games though with deep stories. I've never been the best at playing super long games, like Final Fantasy games, even if I'm seriously invested in the story, though. I burn out. Have you ever sewn a garment? No. Are there any plants in the room you’re in? No. I don't bother with plants. What’s your highest level of education? Some college. What’s the most important thing in any kind of relationship? Proper communication, probably. If you wear lipstick, what’s your favourite colour to wear? I only really put on lipstick to occasionally take a picture, and it's pretty much always black. Is your style feminine, masculine or somewhere in the middle? Somewhere in the middle, I guess? Are there a lot of dragonflies around your house? I've never seen one around this house, and I doubt I ever will because it's too urban. When we lived in the woods, however, I saw them a lot. Of all the Disney couples, which one would you say is your favorite? Kovu and Kiara came to my mind first. Do you think it is cute/funny or disgraceful when a child swears? It's shocking, more than anything. You don't expect it. I don't believe it should be encouraged, but only because children just don't know when swearing really isn't appropriate. If/when you have a baby, how do you think you would want to decorate its room? I don't want kids, but I'll entertain the question and assume this is before the child is born and develops interests. Whether it's a boy or a girl, I'd probably go with a cutesy animal theme. Would you more likely buy a shirt with a picture of Mickey/Minnie Mouse, a Winnie the Pooh character, Snoopy, Hello Kitty, or Tweety Bird on it? None, honestly. Perhaps like, a gothic Hello Kitty. Of all the states you have been to, which one did you have the best experiences? Putting aside the AWFUL heat and humidity, I probably had the best time in Florida. I loved all the palm trees, seeing so many lizards on my grandma's patio, and going to Disney World was a blast. I liked that swimming pools were always warm, too. Have you ever had a crush on someone “too young” for you? No. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to? No. I was madly in love with him, so no regrets on that. If your boyfriend ever hit you, would you dump him? HA, BYYYYEEEEEEEEE MOTHERFUCKER. ZERO hesitation. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? He did, but I honestly don't know if he meant it. Is there anything you want to say to someone? It'll probably go unsaid for the rest of my life. If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it? Yikes, hard pass. If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it? Noooo thank you. Did you wake up in the middle of the night? I always do. Does your animal sleep with you? My cat does. Venus obviously sleeps in her terrarium, but she is in my room. Last color you dyed your hair? Red. Will you keep your last name when you get married? Very unlikely. I don't like my last name. What are you looking forward to? Hearing back again from the woman whose wedding I shot literally two years ago. I thought she ghosted me, but she messaged me the other day about seeing the pictures again and going through them to actually buy some. I don't know why the hell it took her two years, but whatever, I guess? I spent two whole hours resizing the files and re-adding the preview watermark (I deleted the OneDrive folder for space forever ago, but I have the files still), so I hate to sound like an ass, but she better buy something. Between sweating my ass off on location when I shot the wedding, editing those 100+ pictures two years ago, and now re-doing the previews, I have invested so much goddamn time into them that yeah, I think I have the right to be pretty damn salty if I don't hear back from her again. If your significant other cut sex out of your relationship for any reason, what would you do? It'd be whatever. I mean sure, that sort of intimacy is a very special part of serious romantic relationships to me, but I can live without it pretty easily. What was the last thing you said out loud? "Thank you for dinner" to my mom. She brought home Hardee's. Who are your godparents? I don't believe I have any. Do you like Gushers? omggggg yes Can you touch​ your nose with your tongue?​​ No. Is there a particular sport you follow on a regular basis? Nope. Are you waiting for something to arrive in the mail? No. Think of the last film you watched. Who was your favourite character? Uhhhh what was it... The Shining, I think? I didn't really develop a favorite. Do you have a friend whose name starts with ‘L’? Describe him/her. Lisa. <3 She's one of my WoW friends. She'll talk your ear off, but I don't really mind. She is SO sweet and caring for other people and loves to cook. She recently had triplets, and seeing as she had a son only months before accidentally getting pregnant with the triplets, she's obviously been MEGA busy so we haven't talked much lately. When you’re being kissed do you like it when they hold your face? Yeah, but not too early on. Doing that has a promise of seriousness and passion in it to me, and it would probably weird me out if that happened too soon. Last thing that made you cry? My health. Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum? Nah. I don't think it would look good on me. Do you enjoy being outdoors? If it's cool outside and I have a place to sit when I want to, yeah. Do people tell you that you have an accent? Only sometimes. It's definitely not as bad as your average Southerner, though. Do you enjoy watching fireworks on the 4th of July? Ha, what nice timing. I think they're very pretty, but I believe I went over in a recent survey how I don't encourage their usage in consideration of veterans with PTSD as well as being conscious of animals and the absolute terror it can cause for them. What’re some unspeakable subjects for you? So my sister is a children's social worker, and she shares a LOT of stories with Mom (and me, if I'm present) that I can't listen to. The ones that involve pedophilia and/or rape, especially from the child's very own parent(s), I just cannot listen to. Period. It's so fucking repulsive and just unimaginable to me how even a monster of a human can commit something THAT goddamn vile. What’s your opinion of root beer? I'm not a big fan. I mean I can tolerate drinking some of it, but I don't really *enjoy* it. Have you ever seen The Breakfast Club, and what’s your opinion of it? I have, and I didn't get the appeal at all. Did you have a Furby when you were younger? Oh god, I did. Those things are so creepy. If you had a baby boy, what would you name him? Damien, most likely.

&&. rumor has it ( mila syan ) has stepped into rosewood. ( she ) is a ( 33 ) year old ( sub ) currently residing at the manor as ( a sub for hire ). it’s been said that ( she ) resembles ( elodie yung ) and is into ( tpe & orgasm control ) but not ( bathroom play & infantilism ). ( she ) has been said to be ( caring & attentive ) but also quite ( impulsive & unstable ). let’s hope the manor doesn’t devour them whole.

tw: death, murder, brainwashing.

FULL NAME: Mila Syan

GENDER: Cis female

PRONOUNS: She/Her

SEXUALITY: Bisexual and Homoromantic. 

HEIGHT: 5′6

NATIONALITY: Cambodian/British

BIRTHMARK: A rose gold feather at the nape of her neck. See here for visual ref.

Biography

Mila’s family didn’t particularly have much in terms of prospects growing up. Her father had moved to England from Cambodia a few years prior to her birth, met what he so eloquently would claim to anyone who asked as the love of his life, and the pair haven’t looked back since.    

She loved her family dearly, but a cramped council flat certainly wasn’t the most adequate of places to raise four children despite their strong bonds. 

As the eldest child, there was always a lot of pressure placed on Mila to excel in everything she did. It was something she knew full well was never meant from a place of malicious intent, and so instead of growing to resent it, she worked hard to proved their confidence in her was well founded.

She developed a love of art, music and languages, was in all the top classes throughout her school years...The A stars littering her GCSE results paper like little beacons of that better life seeming further and further within reach with every passing year.

That was, until tragedy stuck the family. Her youngest brother Arun killed for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, stumbling on something he shouldn’t.

The authorities were useless in their investigation, and as her grades began to slip, it also gave rise to a far darker side of the sweet young girl everyone knew.    

Eventually, her feelings of uselessness and contempt manifested physically. Picking fights with anyone and everyone just to at least feel some pain she had a modicum of control over.

When the trail for her brother’s murders ran cold, she was distraught. While her parents sat and wallowed in their grief, she steeled herself to do something about it.

She even ran head first into the arms of her estranged uncle, a man who had been disowned from the family for his ties to the seedy underbelly of London city. While he agreed to look into it for her, one thing became very clear...If she wanted those men dead, she was going to have to do it herself.

The hitmen in her uncle’s circles were certainly ones she couldn’t afford, but she learnt the value of stealth early on - often sneaking around in an attempt to overhear any pearls of wisdom she could gleam from these people so adept at what they did.

She got caught eventually, such was the way with no means of formal training, but instead of making her regret it the man seem to appreciate her determination, and agreed to teach her some basics until her uncle found the names she needed.

It was hardly the life she had envisioned for herself at sixteen, but once she’d had a taste of it, she doubted she’d ever be able to reimmerse fully into civilised society.

It was some months before the names of those responsible for her brother’s death were uncovered. Part of some gang running a drug smuggling ring out of Camden.

After growing close, her unofficial mentor by this point had offered to take care of the problem for her...And in hindsight, perhaps she should have taken it. That one contract and it was done, but Mila simply could not let it go, and if they were going to die by anyone’s hands, it would be her own.

She trailed rigorously for years until she felt she was ready. They weren’t her first kill, or her last, but they would always be her most memorable. Even now, when so many aspects of that part of her life are hazy, their faces remain always.

The problem was that once she’d gotten a taste for such things, there was no going back. She had begun to make a name for herself, and a submissive with such a skill set was a highly coveted prize. Few expected the meek and mild subservients of the human race to possess such viciousness, and she worked under many doms over the years to hone her craft.

The problems came later, when she began to outgrow the confides her rose gold birthmark placed on her.

No one took her seriously as a sub, and so eventually, she decided to try her hand as a dominant.

With the shackles broken she quickly grew in wealth and stature, perhaps the one good thing she has done in her life coming when she had made enough to send a majority of it back to her parents and ensure both themselves and her siblings would be set for life.

She felt as though she was on top of the world, pulled into a false sense of security by the semipermanent silvery blue where rose gold should be....But like all good things in life, it wasn't to last. 

It was a previous boss scorned by the reach she had surpassed him that eventually connected her to the submissive in his employ years prior. Something that quickly landed her on the reconditioning list, to be reminded of her place by some of the best sub breakers and dom trainers in the world, those that resided in an estate known as Rosewood manor.   

Mila underwent the training for five years in total before something eventually snapped, and there was no end to the plethora of doms that assisted in her indoctrination -- both before and after that particular revelation of hers.

The first few months after her reconditioning were perhaps the most dangerous. She was fine when there was a dom around, but given more freedom she began to slip deeper and deeper into old habits.

Over the past year she’s been conditioned to view such feelings as a side effect detrimental to her own mental health, and it’s something that she will now actively go out of her way to correct. Often seeking a sub breaker or any other dom with a sadistic streak to help her reclaim her submission once more.    

Personality:

Mila is a very caring and empathetic individual for the most part. Even before everything, she had a passion for music, art and literature that simply couldn’t be taught, and it’s something that hasn’t left her to this day. She speaks five languages, is well versed in close quarters combat styles, and predominantly enjoys her life as a submissive for hire. When there’s a dom in her presence, Mila can be the picture of obedience. A faint bratty undertone sometimes carried purely to keep things interesting, or when she wants a night to take a slightly darker turn. The problems occur when she’s left to her own devises for too long, when her mind wanders to places she’d rather not go, or finds herself straying to the cells with it’s echoes of memories written all over the walls she knows full well to ignore. Usually, time with even the most marginally sadistic of doms will clear up such thoughts she has come to treat as one would a physical ailment, and so the notion of having a long term mistress is one she secretly sort of longs for.  

Wanted Connections:

Doms that were part of her training in any capacity: TBA. Just all. the. doms! Sub breakers, Dom trainers, or even those just willing to lend a hand to that kind of thing. These would likely be the ones she seeks out if she ever feels herself slipping. So long as your chara’s been here for like 6 months+, come at me!

Art/Literature/Music buds: TBA. Despite her penchants for the arts, she’s been taught that this isn’t something most doms would want to hear about, that it’s boring...She’s almost started to believe it, and will try to actively keep it to herself in most cases. This could be doms or subs that actually share the affiliation.

Reoccurring doms: TBA. As a sub for hire mostly left to her own devises for close to a year now, Mila is no stranger to new and old little trysts alike. These are people that would likely ask for her time either whenever they visit, or relatively often encounters if they live here...whether she requires payment or not from these particular people remains to be seen.  

Subs that make her question her new mindset: TBA. A dangerous connection for her, bonus points if it’s current disobedient subs bc I clearly just like to inflict suffering xD 

Anything else you can think of! I’m here for all of it.

 From a very young age it was reinforced that my ADHD was a disability I was meant to overcome rather than a tool I could use to better myself. I didn’t even know that I had been diagnosed, and that my mother had chosen not to medicate me, until I was partway through highschool. By that point I had already begun to give up on ever truly “making it” in life. The hurdles I needed to overcome had demoralized me to the point of near total apathy. Between my sexuality and early coming out in a small town highschool, and my various mental health problems, I felt like no one in the world saw things from my point of view. The last blow to my self esteem came when my grade 12 english teacher, the true decider of fate to any young person, told me my final thesis on Lady Macbeth being one of the greatest example of the flaws in Machiavelli’s “The Prince” was brilliant, but due to formatting and scattered grammar issues, she could give me no higher than a 60%. After years of getting consistent high 90’s in my english classes as well as other subjects, I had failed this extremely crucial essay due to the idiosyncrasies of the most frustrating language known to humankind. I passed that class with a 68, and felt like my fate was sealed. No chance at getting into any University in the country without redoing 5 months of work because one person believed that following the rules was a more important indication of intelligence than original ideas and the ability to make an argument. It crushed me. I admit that I didn’t put in the effort, but I had spent my entire life being told I was incredibly intelligent. It was the one thing I held onto. I felt betrayed by the education system. Though it was also due to many other factors at the time, this contributed to the second of my four suicide attempts. Today, I reject that philosophy. 

    When a person with ADHD is thinking, they connect ideas in their heads much faster than the average person. It can be confusing and disorienting to the people around them. I constantly have to explain how I got from point A to point B because the points connect automatically in my head. It’s exhausting, so I frequently do not bother to try. It’s extremely helpful when crafting an argument, however it can be debilitating in many aspects of modern life. Things the average person doesn’t think about, can be crippling for me. Without a true passion towards something, my ability to focus becomes hazy and my thoughts become scattered. I spend the majority of the day stuck in my head having conversations with myself instead of doing “normal” things with my time. I have spent my life being told that ADHD is my weakness, today I can tell you with the utmost certainty that it is my greatest strength.

    When the international pandemic of the respiratory disease “Covid-19” truly began and the world went into full nationwide lockdown, the bistro that I had, for the most part, happily been employed at shut down. After 8 years of honing my culinary craft certain that my skills, though undervalued, would always be needed somewhere, I was out of a job. Indefinitely. So was most of the country that worked with their hands or, in some capacity, physically with other people. Unless you were able to conduct business through zoom conferences or were a suddenly “essential” employee like a fast food worker, you were left with little to do but sit and think or try desperately to distract yourself from the increasingly troubling world around you. Luckily, to my surprise, the conservative government had pledged to keep us all fed and watered as best they could. What deeply worried me was the knowledge that my friends south of the border, through no fault of their own, and already mostly furious with their government, were not being treated with the same bare minimum of respect. I knew it was a recipe for true disaster and widespread civil unrest as early as march.

    I watched while the culture of social media, at least from my own lgbt bias, slowly started to shift and I picked up a lot of the big picture through memes and personally shared anecdotes. Celebrities were being ripped apart as they tried to get our attention again from their huge mansions while people sat at home worried about how to feed their children. Using insensitive phrasing like “we’re all in this together” when they undeniably weren’t. It quickly became a social caste system. The desperately poor trying to creatively make money any way they could. The often needlessly endangered. And the upper class for whom, little had changed besides the inability to do whatever they want at any given time. The lines were very clearly drawn. While the rich bemoaned their accessibility to haircuts, the poor argued with landlords about rent. All the while another group was frequently paid minimum wage to work on the proverbial front lines; flipping hamburgers, being yelled at by the rich because you were out of everything with the supply chain so damaged, or literally saving peoples lives. The anger and frustration quickly took over nearly every form of social media. Subtly, but day by day it grew. There was only so much one could do from inside their apartments, and globally, the havenots found solace and comfort with one another. The narratives of meme culture, which had matured and specialized far beyond the early days of “lolcats” and “trollface” comics, became almost exclusively about mocking the rich and their inability to deal with slight inconveniences.

Nearly every month of 2020 was a new major nationwide crisis and people had little else to do but talk about it or ignore it. The year kicked off with serious threat of a third world war because Donald Trump was tweeting intentionally inflammatory remarks towards the fascist leader of North Korea. All while nearly the entire country of Australia was ravaged by forest/bush fire. January saw a clearly corrupt president unbelievably not be impeached. Sparking outrage among, in my humble opinion, any sane individual. This also exposed, to anyone who knew all the facts, that the systems to hold those in power accountable was clearly broken and corruptible. Towards the end of January, beloved basketball player Kobe Bryant died in a horrible helicopter accident involving his daughter. Late February leading into early March was when global fears over Coronavirus began to be taken extremely seriously by every government in the world, the exception being the United States and the Trump administration. By late April, the country had over a hundred thousand dead, and nearly a quarter of its population out of a job. The irony of this, is that the calls to reopen the country didn’t come from those that had lost their jobs, but the upper class that had grown restless deprived from their usual comforts. Meanwhile we openly mocked them on instagram, tumblr, and twitter. Trying desperately to make light of a horrible situation and bring at least a little levity to their lives. News that a new breed of dangerously fatal hornets had migrated to North America was derided as a filler episode. One of my personal favourite takes on the year as a whole so far was a comparison to the four horseman of the apocalypse. January representing War, February representing Pestilence, March representing Famine, and April representing Death. In fact a lot of meme culture started to take on an extremely apocalyptic vibe. The message for many was clear, and depressing.

Then things started to happen really fast, so fast that for many it would make your head spin looking at it from the outside. It began with a video featuring a white Canadian woman from Waterloo named Amy Cooper that went viral across the globe. In the Ramble area of Central Park in NYC, this woman was filmed by a clearly peaceful, yet insistent, black man named Christian Cooper, no relation, asking her to leash her dog. This is a bylaw of the area. The woman refused and began to become very distressed, roughly handling her dog by the collar. She started dailing 911 and accused the man of assaulting her to the dispatcher. What many understood about this act, and rightfully called her out in outrage over, is that she was using her knowledge of how police handle black people in America to threaten this mans life over leashing her dog. She has been fired, and the shelter has taken her dog back.

Two days later, as I was travelling to my family’s cottage to “get away from it all and unplug”, a friend sent me a snapchat video from Minneapolis. It was on fire. I immediately did everything I could to try to find out what had happened. That, is when I saw the video of 8 minutes and 46 seconds of a police officer with his knee on the neck of another human being. This did not shock, nor suprise me. I had followed the many accounts of police killing people on video since 2014 when I was 16. When the Ferguson protests over Michael Brown’s killing by police officers were broadcast over most of the developed world. I had seen little change, despite Barrack Obama being President. This continued to happen for the next 6 years, though there were no more protests. Some of the people of those original protests that started the Black Lives Matter Movement, went missing over the next several years. Mainly those that had been photographed.

George Floyd’s death, I feel, was the straw that broke the camels’ back. Which is how anyone who has personally experienced police mistreatment and injustice would understand watching that video. A societal contract had been broken. And Minneapolis started to burn down the city that would let this happen to their friend, their neighbour, their father, their brother, and most importantly, their son. The words that chilled me to my very core… And continue to make me cry when I think about. Continue to make me want to punch every cop I run into.The words that have caused me to continue having this argument every day with everyone I know. The words that make me want to scream and rage and burn that country to the ground….  “Mama”

In his dying breaths this man called out to his mother. Who had died 2 years earlier. Who could not come save him. The police officer casually, with his hands in his pockets, knowing he could get away with it, murdered that man while he called out for his dead mother. Suffocated him to death in the middle of a global pandemic driven by respiratory disease. If I had been in Minneapolis that night, I would have helped burn it to the ground.

Something I didn’t expect happened then. Something I didn’t expect when I saw the fires and the rage from mostly black citizens of the city. As I watched Fox News try to turn the story into a conversation about rioting and looting rather than Police accountability. Other peaceful protests started up in other cities. My entire social media feed from multiple sources was filled with people discussing their anger and vowing to protest it. I don’t like to admit that I didn’t see this coming. But on May 26th, as I ravenously tried to keep up from the comfort of a cottage on Crystal Lake Ontario, a spark of hope for humanity that I had lost a long time ago started to ignite.

Something interesting happens when you get most of your information from social media. It either makes you hyper critical of everything you’re told and willing to research anything important, or it makes you willing to believe anything your friends tell you. As the protests kicked off in major cities across America, after months of inactivity, my ADHD kicked into high gear. I used every neuron of my brain power to follow the protests from as many different angles as I could. Most importantly, I followed the story from the people who were at them. That’s what growing up in modern society makes you do. After months if not years if not decades of being lied to for personal gain constantly. It makes you pay attention to the people who have nothing to gain.

I got back to my appartment from my cottage a day later, still glued to my phone. Barely talking, barely eating, barely sleeping. I watched police officers in riot gear throw tear gas into peaceful protests in every city in America. Tear gas, by the way, is an international war crime in combat situations. I watched media with an implicitly right wing bias condemn the protests. Convincing people that looting was worth a war crime. I watched it work. It worked with my own father. It did not work for me. I watched the news from political biases of both sides but took most of it with a grain of salt. That’s what I had been taught to do from as young as 14 by the world I grew up in. The news could give me general information. However, the story was on the ground and I knew from experience that people would try to bury it so I had to watch it as quickly as possible. I watched friends of mine in the states get tear gassed and beaten while exercising their first amendment rights. I watched the news condemn the protests. I was horrified. I watched the peaceful protesters of police brutality in New York get beaten and gassed from a minimum of 30 different perspectives of the people I knew and trusted, and those I didn’t. I watched the peaceful protestors in LA get beaten and gassed from the same amount of perspectives. I watched them throw flash bombs and shoot rubber coated bullets into the faces of my friends in every city in America. I watched the President of the United States order the peaceful protestors in front of the White House to be beaten and gassed so he could have an awkward photo-op with a fucking bible. I watched this for a week straight from every angle available. Day in and day out. Every hour I was conscious, I watched fascism try to grab power in in every city in America. I watched people in powerful positions deny it.

It wasn’t just paying attention to the protests and the news of them explicitly. I wasn’t just filled with horror. I was also watching something wonderfully unexpected happen. I watched my black friends, my gay friends, my asain friends, and my intelligent friends, begin to weaponize social media. I watched them beg all of their friends to do the same. So did I, even though I felt like there wasn’t anything I could really do from cozy liberal Waterloo. I watched us all turn the algorithms against the people who made them. I did everything I could to make sure you couldn’t turn away. I told my gay white friends condemning the actions of protestors that his rights came from a riot. I watched them shrink in fear of my voice. My father told me I was getting caught up in left wing rhetoric. I tore his arguments to shreds. He told me broad angry statements don’t do anything. I told him broad angry statements create the conversation we’re having. Resistance is a highway with many lanes, and I knew my lane.

You grow up, especially in my age, especially when you’re gay, especially when you are exposed to a lifetime of stories of rebellion against tyranny, hearing about the power of resistance. As I marched in Waterloo with over thirty thousand people I didn’t know, I realized that I have never truly understood that power. How it surges through your body like electricity as you scream until your voice is hoarse. It’s a high better than any drug known to man, than any pride parade where I was pandered to by corporations for hours. It took my fear, and my anger, and my helplessness and turned it into raw power exploding from my body. I continued to watch people I knew deny reality. 

The protests grew. They spread across the world like wildfire. I went to facebook, a place I avoid because I don’t agree with the majority of people on it, and told anyone who would listen to me that this is what Pride means. What it truly means to be proud of your community. Not a rainbow flag in a store window, not a corporation asking you to buy it’s rainbow backpack. But turning apathy in face of evil into raw unbridled electricity. I watched the protests spread to Montreal and Toronto, I watched the police mishandle things there too. I watched violence perpetuated by the state against my friends, people I’ve known for years. The power I felt merely grew. It grew with every flash grenade and bullet and tear gas canister shot at my friends. It will not subside till this is over or until I die. I’m going to spend the next decade giving up the comfortable life of good food, great drinks, and fantastic company that I found in the restaurant industry. I’m going to spend a decade getting my Law degree to fight for every last one of us in the courtroom because that is a place I can make it count. 

Today is June 8th of the year 2020 and I began writing this piece at Noon, it is now 4:11 P.M. I have done zero editing and I refuse to. I submit this as my revised final essay. I want to know when you got behind the protests. Because if it was as you were reading this, I deem you unworthy to judge my critical thinking skills. If it was yesterday I think you should be ashamed of yourself. I was with them from hour one. You should have been too. How dare you spend years teaching children about racism and oppression. How dare you tell me that I’m not worthy of higher education in any form. Telling children that wikipedia is unreliable as a source is idiotic, it’s one of the most peer reviewed encyclopedia’s to ever exist. How dare you tell me and the young adults you teach that you don’t give out scores higher than ninety percent. What is the point of forcing teenagers to write in cursive. Why must I live the experiences you write about in your precious properly formatted essays. In this country a 68 is two percent shy of getting into any University.  It’s sentencing an intelligent person with an array of disabilities a life of believing they have no power. Despite my own mistakes at the time and the amount I have grown as a person since, I will hold you personally accountable for that. 

As a closing statement, to every English teacher in this province, no, to every English teacher in the great country of Canada. Think very hard about when exactly you put your full support behind this movement. Because your curriculum is outdated, and absolutely useless in the real world. And your racism is showing.

Post Script.

There is no bibliography of unbiased sources because all sources are biased. You have a supercomputer in your pocket and this should all be public information. Look it up.

[ MADELAINE PETSCH, FEMALE, SHE / HER ] — If you’re strolling Derry today, you might see [ LUCILLE ROSE HANNIGAN ] along the way! The [ TWENTY-THREE ] year old has been in Derry for [ TWENTY-THREE YEARS ] and can usually be found at [ THE ROSE GARDEN, her family’s botanical shop ], when they aren’t busy with [ GARDENING or MAKING THINGS FOR HER SHOP ]. I hear they seem to be [ AMBITIOUS and PASSIONATE ], but they are also rumored to be [ BLUNT and HOT-TEMPERED ]. I’m sure they’d never admit it, but they’re terrified of [ RODENTS ]

- B A S I C - 

Full Name: Lucille Rose Hannigan Nickname(s): Lucy, Lu, Lulu Age: 23 Occupation: Owns \ Helps run The Rose Garden - a natural apothecary, also known as a botanical shop Birthday: January 11th Zodiac: Capricorn

- F A M I L Y -

Father: Hugo Hannigan Mother: Renee Hannigan Sibling(s): Older Brother Cousin: Chrissy Rhoades

 - P H Y S I C A L   A P P E A R A N C E -

Height: 5′6′’ Weight: 120 lbs Hair Color / Type: Red / Straight Eye Color: Dark Brown Piercings: Just once on both earlobes

- P E R S O N A L I T Y -

(+) Independent, Ambitious, Passionate, Hard-Working (-) Blunt, Hot-Tempered, Judgmental, Sarcastic

Lucy has always been hard-working and ambitious, especially when it came to the family business. It helped that it was what she loved to do, and that she was super passionate about it. Seriously, she’s not exactly the most social of people, but don’t get her started on a conversation about plants - she’ll definitely talk your ear off.

She’s pretty much always been independent, too. She’s needed very little guidance or direction in her life, as she’s known from the very beginning where she’s wanted her future to go. Which was helping her dad.

She can be quite friendly with most people, if they’re also kind and friendly in return. However, typical redhead, she can also be very hot-tempered when she is angry - and she can get angry pretty quickly, if her buttons get pushed too many times.

Lucy doesn’t have much of a filter, so she can be very bold and blunt on occasion, and sometimes she can come off as rude, but she doesn’t usually mean for it to come out that way. She’s just super honest and opinionated. And Judgmental, can’t forget that. Boy, can she be really judgy and too sarcastic sometimes. Easily her biggest flaws.

- H E R   B I G G E S T   F E A R -

Musophobia - the fear of rodents; particularly mice and rats. However, Lucy’s fear extends towards all types of rodent, except squirrels and chipmunks - she isn’t bothered by them as much.

- L I K E S   /   D I S L I K E S   /   H A B I T S

Loves gardening - she spends a great deal of her time in the dozen or so greenhouses that her father has put up on their property over the years - all of which house many of the plants that help supply their shop for things like herbs, teas, essential oils, etc..

Obviously, she's obsessed with plants. Her small one-bedroom apartment is filled to the brim with house plants, almost obsessively so. Thankfully most house plants are very forgiving when it comes to colder climates, so living up in Maine, where it’s usually always cold and rainy with very little sun, doesn’t affect them.

Working out and staying in shape. Goes to the gym three times a week, if she’s not super busy.

Keeping journals, as she finds her life easier to manage when she documents specific life events.

Heavily into plant photography. She keeps an online portfolios up on her online shop, listing all of the species of plants that her family grows and that they sell through their in-store and online shop.

Being social, despite feeling like, at times, she could be a bit awkward when it comes to actually starting a conversation with a stranger. Good thing Derry’s small and coming across a stranger is rather uncommon.

Is 100% vegan

She is a true artisan - she takes the most pleasure out of growing and making things from scratch and by hand. She dabbles in a lot of areas - from baking to cooking, to DIY arts & crafts, and especially to making and perfecting natural-based recipes for a lot of different things that she sells in her shop: lotions, soaps, lip balms, scrubs, essential oil blends, candles, tea blends, spice blends, etc. You name it, and Lucy’s very likely got her hands on it. 

She dries her own herbs and spices and tea leaves, and though it’s quite a tedious process, she LOVES doing it. She loves harvesting the leaves and bundling them in twine and hanging them to dry all around the shop. In her opinion, it’s totally aesthetically pleasing. That, and she very much enjoys doing things the old fashioned way. By hand. She’s got a total pioneer-like homestead mentality when it comes to how to does things.

Ever since she was a very young girl, Lucille’s always been more than willing to help her dad look after the greenhouses and she’d come into the shop whenever she could, helping him stock shelves and nothing’s really changed. Only now, she was selling a lot of her own products as well as the plants that come from both the Hannigan and Rhoades nurseries.

Enjoys baking and cooking, immensely - having been taught by her mother from a very early age. She uses her baking skills to make specialty breads and other baked goods to sell in The Rose Garden.

Is a self-taught pro at needlework - embroidery, knitting and sewing alike. A lot of her hand-made pieces can be seen hung up around her apartment and her shop.

- T H E   R O S E   G A R D E N -

“ Where the love for nature, baking and art meet “

It’s very much an artisan shop, heavily focused on home grown and hand-crafted products. A botanical shop / natural apothecary / produce market / bakery all in one.

See the overview list of things The Rose Garden sells here

- B I O G R A P H Y -

Is a native to Derry. She’s lived here her entire life, apart from the four years she left to go to New York for college.

Is of Irish / Welsh / Scottish descent, from both of her parents’ side

Has an older brother, whom she is very close with. He, too, helps out with the family shop when he can, but he’s usually off doing his own separate thing.

She is also close to her first cousin, Chrissy Rhoades (Lucy’s dad being the brother of Chrissy’s mother) who’s family owns their own plant nursery. The two families are greatly connected with one another, as the fresh produce from both nurseries and greenhouses are sold at The Rose Garden shop. Lucy also uses fresh ingredients supplied in bulk from both family’s crops to whip up large batches of her various handmade goods and body products.

While her brother preferred going off and doing his own thing, Lucy often stayed close to her parents, finding comfort and peace at their side verses being out-going and overly social. This lent to her growing a very strong attachment to both of her parents, since she was never very good at relating to other people as a whole and Hugo and Renee Hannigan were her whole world as a small child.

That being said, she’s always had a stronger connection with her father, with whom she shares a love for all things leafy and green, and the want to turn said leafy and green things into a variety of different things. They had the biggest green thumbs and most inventive minds of the family, and it was just something the two had always bonded over. That, and they were both highly anti-social and quirky individuals, preferring their plants for company rather than other people. Not that they weren’t friendly and welcoming to the other locals of Derry, they just didn’t know how to talk to people outside of business-talk. At least, not very well.

The two are insanely obsessed with the work they do for The Rose Garden, putting all of their time and passion into their shop and making sure their greenhouses and various equipment were running nicely.

So you could safely say that she was a daddy’s girl, through and through, from the very moment she came into the world. She took after him the most.

Her childhood was quite normal, all things considered. The Hannigans were a happy family with a pretty healthy family dynamic. All was great, or so Lucy thought. She was around 10 when her mother started acting peculiar. One minute she’d be fine, fixing dinner in the kitchen or cleaning and then the next she’d totally flip out and start screaming. At seemingly nothing. The episodes would send the entire house into chaos. Her father would shoo her and her brother up to their rooms or into the next room to keep them both safe and trying to keep them from witnessing the full extent of their mother’s mental breakdown. Which both children were more than fine with, as just listening to their mother’s blood curdling screams and subsequent emotional crying was more than scarring enough for them.

This went on for two years, the episodes unpredictable but never any less intense and frightening. The mental health of Lucy’s mother decreased significantly over that short amount of time, until it reached the point where Renee refused to get out of bed, and remained in a perpetual state of terror, leaving her essentially catatonic, apart from incoherent mutterings under her breath, and the godforsaken rocking. Not even the professionals could tell what was wrong with the woman or what had even triggered her mental decline, but they did eventually, very loosely label her condition as catatonic schizophrenia.

At age 12, her mother was taken to Juniper Hill Asylum, where she’s been ever since, still unresponsive to anyone’s presence apart from her own mental demons. She continues to mumble nonsense under her breath that nobody seems to be able to make out.

Adjusting to life without their mother was hard for both Hannigan children, and hard on their father, but despite his heart breaking at the loss of his wife, he made sure his kids were taken care of and loved and wanting for not. And yes, they did consider Renee’s absence as a loss, for though she wasn’t dead, her lack of presence in their life was greatly felt and just as devastating.

They still, to this day, visited her often, but every time was a very painful experience, resulting in lots of tears, mostly on Lucy’s end. She just couldn’t bare to see her mother in such a sad state.

The absence of her mother caused Lucy to cling tightly to her dad, and even her brother. The three of them became one another’s rock, bringing the remaining three Hannigans even closer as a family.

After high school, Lucy moved to New York City for four years and graduated from NYU at the age of 22 with a double bachelors degree in Horticulture and Botany. That had been her set goal from as early on in her life as she could remember; she’d always planned to go to school to study plants and grow her knowledge on the subject. Plant science - or Botany, as it was called - and how to properly cultivate different species - was something she had always been fascinated in. She already had quite the training, having been taught a ton by her dad growing up, but she wanted to be properly certified when she joined him full time at the shop.

❁ Intro. Q&A with S&C ❁

❁ What is your favorite type of movement?

S: I struggled with movement for a long time. Exercise was categorized as a chore in my brain growing up. I had parents who LOVED running, yet running always made me feel like I was dying. I discovered yoga in late high school. Last year, I completely fell in love with a studio that incorporates HIIT, core, and heat to create a dynamic workout. I'm obsessed! It's my therapy, workout, community, and whole heart in one. I also love that yoga is a competition against yourself - constantly bettering your own practice, rather than focused on competition against others.

C: Growing up I was always active and involved in sports like basketball and track. I’ve ALWAYS hated the running aspect, but every now and then I’ll go for a jog outside if it’s nice out. Now that I get to choose my workouts, I enjoy a combination of lifting, yoga, and HIIT workouts. My workout split typically looks like 4 days of lifting and HIIT and 1-2 days of yoga. On rest days, I always start my mornings with a short yoga flow or light stretching. I also enjoy the hot yoga classes that S talked about above! Hot yoga is what brought us together :).

❁ What is your favorite way to de-stress?

S: Oh god. Anything alone. Seriously. I am extroverted until I hit my limit and once I hit that limit it is a hard crash. I recently moved to a really friendly neighborhood and have loved riding my bike to the library, curling up in my hammock, and reading a great book while listening to some instrumental tunes. 

C: So many different ways! As a social worker, in order to be effective, I have to be on top of my self-care at all times. Journaling, meditation, yoga, reading, walking, and playing with my dogs and cats are some of my favorite ways to de-stress. I also find that using ear seeds helps when I’m experiencing high levels of stress or anxiety. Stay tuned for more ear seed info. in later blog posts!

❁ What is your favorite self-care strategy?

S: I need to be organized. I like knowing what food I'm going to eat the next day, having everything written out and color-coded in my planner, etc. I do really well when everything is put in its place and prepped for the next day - to a fault. I tend to deal with my high maintenance personality with obsessive organization because it is the type of self-care that directly combats my ADHD brain and keeps me functioning.

C: In addition to the ways that I de-stress above, I find a sense of calm in my weekly routine. At the beginning of the week, I enjoy cooking and meal prepping lunches for work, cleaning, and journaling my goals and intentions for the week. I have a Panda Planner that I like to use to stay organized. I also feel my best when I’m taking care of myself (i.e. focusing on eating well, being active, and maintaining my beauty/skincare routine).

❁ What are your health passions?

S: I have been on and off vegan for 6 years. I decided to start it back up at the beginning of this year, and 99% of the time I follow veganism. That's a HUGE passion of mine. I also recently started cycle syncing and I can't shut up about it!! I'm so excited to see what benefits it will provide. I'm a RYT200 yoga teacher with certifications in trauma-informed, children's, and teen yoga - I'm particularly passionate about incorporating vulnerability and mental health aspects into my practice. Lastly, I struggle with physical health (Endometriosis diagnosis) and mental health (GAD - Generalized Anxiety Disorder & ADD - Attention Deficit Disorder diagnosis), this has been a huge journey for me over the past two years. I am currently at a point where I manage these diagnoses really well naturally and it's important to me.

C: GUT HEALTH, GUT HEALTH, GUT HEALTH! That is what inspired the name for this blog! I find that my gut health impacts my skin, moods, weight, energy level, and my overall well-being. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease and IBD in 2016 and have been focused on healing myself with a combination of Western Medicine-based medication, nutrition and journaling food sensitivities, vitamin supplements, movement, and strategies to improve my mental health. Don’t get me wrong - I’m very passionate about mental health in general as I’m a practicing therapist, however, I tend to get burnt out on focusing on mental health only as it is often difficult for my consumers to incorporate a holistic approach. I am also passionate about movement and working on my fitness, as Fergie would say. There’s something uplifting about accomplishing a new fitness goal whether it’s increasing my weights in lifting or holding a headstand in yoga (still working on that one lol).

❁ What led you to wholistic wellness?

S: I had parents who made a huge lifestyle change right after my freshman year of high school. As a family, we went vegan cold turkey (or is it cold tofurkey? pls laugh) and my Mom poured her heart and soul into researching natural alternatives. I have had my own battle with balancing traditional medicine with more holistic results. I very strongly believe in wholistic approaches - I'm not against medication by any means, but I believe it's so so important to treat the whole person and that there is no "one size fits all" approach.

C: Growing up, I didn’t think there was anything particularly “unhealthy” about my lifestyle, but reflecting back as an adult, I can definitely say that we were not a household that was focused on optimal nutrition. We drank gallons of milk and Sunny D and ate maybe a serving of canned vegetables per day. We were active, so no one in my family was overweight, but I think my parents were just raising us on foods that they grew up on (that and canning became all the rage in the 90’s). I would say that I became passionate about holistic approaches to my health shortly after I was diagnosed with Crohn’s and was trying to learn to manage my symptoms. I had a lot of inflammation in 2016 and was prescribed a low dosage of steroids until my doctor prescribed immunosuppressants to keep my immune system from attacking my colon. I began focusing on more holistic approaches when I noticed that medication alone wasn’t making me feel 100%. Sure, it stopped my active inflammation, however, I was still struggling with stomach cramping, diarrhea, and chronic fatigue. About 1 year after I was diagnosed, my husband and I moved to a larger area where I had access to more specialized medical providers. My new gastroenterologist (GI) referred me to a nutritionist who helped me to learn to identify my food sensitivities. She also referred me to a behavioral health psychologist who provided me with an outlet for my stress and anxiety. I began to learn that I was holding chronic tension in my stomach whenever I was stressed or anxious about something. That’s when I began to understand the importance of holistic health.

❁ What is your personal social media?

S: @sarahlhively on Instagram

C: @cassandruh_dee on Instagram

❁ What kind of posts can I expect to see on this blog?

S: I'm really excited to talk about managing mental health naturally (particularly anxiety), possible book recommendations, self-care, and healthy meal prepping while on a broke college student’s budget.

C: I look forward to sharing my personal experiences with navigating my chronic health issues, nutrition, FODMAPs, gut health, mental health, the gut-brain connection, fitness/movement, and self-care.

❁ Why social work?

S: It's nice to not have this question followed up by "you know you'd make much more money as _______. Is it too late to change your major?" But for real. I started college as a special education major, quickly realized I'd rather do pretty much anything other than write lesson plans, and switched to being a WGST major. I expected to be able to get a job doing advocacy work with a particular focus on LGBTQ+ & women issues. I soon realized the WGST track is for students who eventually want to do research and social work was more what I was looking for. I never looked back. The multiple directions a social work degree can be taken in, the continually changing cases, the advocacy, vulnerability, and seeking justice for people all capture my heart. 

C: I have always been passionate about having a career centered around helping people. I became interested in therapy after having a particularly negative experience with a therapist that my dad sent me to when I was getting caught in the middle of my parent’s divorce and I experienced some trauma. I originally pursued psychology, however, fell into social work when I figured out that there are so many different opportunities available for MSWs.  I truly love my job and feel grateful to be compensated (FYI times have changed and not all social workers make next to nothing - thank the universe) for serving the children and families on my caseload

Three

Pairing: Bakugou x Koge (OC)

Rating: Mature | Cursing, implied violence / mugging, body image TW, sexual phrases and provocative interactions but no full on explicit content. 

Genre: Romance | Humor | Angst

Words:  3,617

Koge tilted her head to the side a bit as she observed her reflection, standing in front of a full body mirror that was connected to the wall of her closet. Behind her, the image of clothes were blurry and non-existent, focused solely on the brilliant diamond that glistened against the dim light from further into the closet. Left hand resting on her chest, she brought her right arm around to hug herself, eyes never leaving the engagement ring. She had missed it, the way it fit so perfectly onto her finger and the delicate shine that represented how fierce her love for her husband truly was. It had been over a year since she had lost it, and the fact that it was actually back on her finger was nearly enough to make her believe she was dreaming.

No, she hadn’t lost it. It had been taken from her, during a mugging while she was out at night. Remembering the event, Koge knew that she could have done something to prevent it. That man, even though he was large, had nothing but a knife to threaten her with. She could have easily turned things around, her skill and training giving her the upper hand. And yet, she couldn’t. Not because she was scared for herself or because the man was terrifying. It was her children that made her stop, that made her so compliant and willing to give the man anything he demanded.

Heading to the train station after dark, Koge had both her children with her after a play-date with her best friend Nene, who had two children of her own. Koge held the small Natsuki in one arm as she slept, while Matsuki walked beside her, holding her hand. There wasn’t a reason for them to feel nervous or scared, having taken this trip many times with no problems. But that night, it had been particularly dark with very few people on the streets. The man had surprised them, coming out of an ally, staying mostly hidden in the shadows with only his knife reflecting the light. He had demanded everything Koge had on her person, down to her earrings and rings on her finger.

Her only thought was to protect her babies, and if that meant handing over everything, then she would. A fight, she had thought, would put them in even more danger. The man could easily snatch one of them as a hostage while she was trying to fight him off, or they could accidentally get hurt. Koge couldn’t bare the thought.

The purse wasn’t that hard for her to hand over. It was small, with only her phone, wallet and keys inside. Yes, her phone was important and the wallet had credit cards and cash, but that could easily be taken care of with a simple phone call to cancel the cards. The earrings were the same, some cheap medium sized hoops with fake diamonds, something that she decided wouldn’t matter. But the engagement ring was the hardest to give up.

It was everything to her, all her memories and happiness she felt with her husband. It was a symbol of his affections for her, and as she took it off her finger, it felt as if a piece of her was being taken with it. Letting it fall into the grimy fingers of the attacker was like a horrible betrayal, as if she were giving up her own heart.

Somehow, Koge had managed to keep her wedding ring, the man either not noticing it or not caring enough about it to demand it. Once satisfied that he had everything she could offer, he fled, leaving her numb and horrified. The only thing that pulled her back from collapsing was her children, the soft voice of Matsuki gaining her attention. Kneeling down beside them, she quickly snatched them both up and made her way into a convenience store that was nearby, wanting to be in the light. Her strength and strong will quickly gave out as they made their way into the candy aisle, where she found herself sitting on the floor, Natsuki in her lap.

Thankfully, her son had a cellphone that could only make calls to her, her husband and the police, and that had gone unnoticed as it rested in the child’s pocket. Koge didn’t bother to call the police first. Instead, she called her husband, breaking down into tears the instant she heard his voice. Telling him what had happened was incredibly difficult through her sobs, but that didn’t matter. Just hearing the state she was in was enough to make him rush over as quickly as he could.

Cancelling her credit cards and protecting her identity was easy enough, but the guilt of losing the ring was heavy on Koge’s shoulders. The man was never caught, her items never returned or found. She assumed that he sold it all, making good money before hiding away until he was ready for his next attack. It took Koge a few months to get over the fear of it happening again, refusing to go anywhere with her children after dark unless her husband was with them. It took even longer for her to no longer crave the feeling of that ring on her finger, to come to terms with the fact that she would never have it back.

But just this morning, it had been returned to her. Her husband had somehow found it in a pawn shop and presented it to her as a gift that Christmas morning. He had made sure that it was polished, clean and perfect, the engraving on the inside just as clear as it had always been. Two capital Ks separated by a heart, something so simple and yet represented a lifetime of friendship and love. It was horribly cheesy, but she loved it, a true action of affection. Now, it once again sat on her finger, where it always should have been.

Koge had cried for nearly an hour when her husband first slipped it on her finger, just as he had nearly seven years ago. He had told her that she was being over dramatic after the first ten minutes of pouring tears, but she just couldn’t help it. Not only had her prized possession been returned to her, she had learned that her husband had been searching for it or for a replica of the ring since she originally lost it.

Bakugou Katsuki was not a sensitive man. Even now as an adult at thirty years old, he was loud and aggressive, powerful and driven to be the top hero in the country. He was private and preferred his personal life to be separated from his profession, which was something that he took very seriously. And though he was rough, short tempered and foul mouthed, he adored his family. Koge remembered once when he admitted that she was the fuel to his fire, something that kept him pursuing his passions and striving to better himself. She knew very well that she wasn’t the singular thing pushing him, but the fact that he admitted out loud that she was such an important piece of his puzzle truly made her swoon.

He would do anything to provide for his family, to make sure that they were happy and comfortable. There wasn’t a need for him to constantly express his love with tender actions, letters or gifts. The meals he cooked every night when he was home, the way he roughhoused with Natsuki before bed, the conversations about books or art with Matsuki, and the way he greeted Koge every day with a soft touch to the cheek and a gentle kiss. Those simple things and many more were something that Koge thought she would never see from him, having known him since childhood. Every time she watched him come home and greet his children as they ran up to him, she couldn’t help but feel blessed.

He’s too good to me, Koge thought to herself, reaching up to tenderly touch the diamond. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve him…

With a huff, she let both hands fall down to her sides, her eyes tearing away from the ring to instead look at her body. Dressed pajama shorts and a tank top, Koge found herself happy with the way she looked. She had made it a point to intensify her training and work out routine the past few years, having gotten a bit sloppy when her children were at a newborn and toddler stage. Staying home those few years doing nothing took a toll on her. Not just her body, but her mental health as well, feeling like she was becoming nothing but a slob that Bakugou would eventually get bored of. She had become so depressed and dragged down by negative self-image thoughts that she had even refused to let him see her without clothes, let alone make love without the lights off.

Things were better now, her routine set and even still teaching martial arts at a studio. Her hero work had unfortunately been too much for her to handle while being a parent of two, and so she had made the decision to abandon that life. It had been too much for her, though all her training wasn’t wasted, as she implemented everything she learned into teaching others. Though, lately, there had been something bugging her that she knew would throw her plans and routine off again. It was like a fever, something that just wouldn’t leave her mind, especially as she watched Matsuki and Natsuki enjoy their Christmas.

It was a baby fever, one so severe that she thought about it every day. Koge found herself missing the way she felt while pregnant, the joy it brought and how wonderful it was to have a newborn. Yes, there were painful and hard times, but those were of little consequence.

Placing her hand on her lower abdomen, Koge slowly slid her hand upwards, taking her shirt with it to expose her flat and toned stomach. She could still see some light stretch marks from her other two births, though she had been treating them during and after her pregnancies to have them not be so severe. She couldn’t get the feeling and image out of her mind, her craving to have a baby so intense it nearly made her want to cry.

“Utsuro? Are you alright?”

Koge’s mind was pulled from her wandering thoughts to look at her husband through the mirrors reflection, his crimson gaze instantly sending butterflies raging in her stomach. As he walked inside the large walk in closet, clad in only a towel that was around his hips, Koge quickly pulled her shirt back down. “I-I’m fine, Katsuki. I was just… thinking.”

“About?” He stopped at his dresser, pulling open a drawer to take out a pair of boxers to sleep in. “You were looking at your stomach…”

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Koge fiddled a bit with the engagement ring on her finger, watching him dress through the reflection. “It’s not what you think. I’m over that now, you know that.” Bakugou ruffled his still damp hair after pulling on the boxers, tossing the towel into a dirty clothes bin as he made his way over to her. “That doesn’t mean I’m not going to worry about it when I see you like that.” He placed his hands on her shoulders, giving them a comforting squeeze as he placed a soft kiss on the top of her head.

Smiling, Koge leaned back against him, bringing her hand up to rest over one of his softly. “No, love, really that’s not it.” Bakugou gave a soft hum, his hands sliding down to her upper arms. “Good. Because you’re damn perfect, I don’t ever want you to get depressed like that again.” Leaning her head back on his shoulder, Koge turned her head a bit to look up at him, keeping her soft smile as she caressed his cheek gently. “I won’t, Katsuki. I’m alright.” As he leaned in to kiss her softly, he brought one hand up to caress her neck, stroking her jawline with his thumb.

“So what were you doing then?” Bakugou asked, smirking against her lips. “Checking yourself out?” With a small roll of her eyes, Koge gave his cheek a rough, playful pat, ignoring his snickering. “No, Katsuki. I was just thinking.”

“About?” His hands moving to caress her hips, Bakugou began to trail soft kisses down her cheek and to her neck, making tingles spread across Koges skin. She was silent for a moment, soaking in the warmth of his presence as she tried to gather her courage.

“How come we never had another?”

“Another what?” A bit distracted by her skin, he didn’t see her intense stare, until he chanced a glance up at the mirror. Pausing, he looked down at her hand, which was resting on her stomach. “Ah… hm. We did always talk about having three. It’s not too late for that Utsuro.” Koge gave a small shake of her head, surprising Bakugou enough to make him stand back up straight. “Katsuki, we can’t…”

“And why not? Both of your pregnancies went fine and you’re not too old-”

“That’s not what I mean. What… What about Natsuki?” Koge kept eye contact with her lover through the reflection, though it grew a bit blurry as her eyes grew teary. “What if it happens again? What if she thinks we’re trying to replace her?”

“What?! Utsuro, that’s fucking ridiculous. Natsu wouldn’t care, I think she’d be damn happy to have a younger sibling. She doesn’t care that she’s quirkless.”

“Yes she does, Katsuki. You don’t remember that she wanted to ask Santa for a quirk? I had to tell her that wasn’t possible.” Koge hiccuped softly as she reached up to wipe her cheeks free of tears. “She still doesn’t really understand. And what if we have another child, and they have a crazy strong quirk? You don’t think she’ll feel jealous or replaced?”

Bakugou shook his head, glowering down at his wife as he grew annoyed with this kind of negative talk. “Koge. All these ‘what ifs’ aren’t going to help anything. I don’t think Natsuki would feel that way. She doesn’t about Matsu. The only time she ever said that it was unfair was that first night after we told her, when she broke down. That’s it.”

The use of her first name made Koge suck in a breath, trying her best to calm down. “She’s just so young… I wouldn’t want there to be any resentment between them…”

“There wouldn’t be. We’d make sure of that.” Bakugou reached up to wipe some remaining tears from her cheeks, his gentle touch still a bit rough due to his nature. “And even if this one ends up quirkless, too… It doesn’t matter. Though I seriously doubt something like that would happen.”

Koge peered up at him through one eye, the other squeezed shut as his thumb ran across her cheek. “We thought that about Natsuki. I don’t know, Katsuki… Maybe that’s why we never talked about having another. I feel so… guilty about that.”

“There’s no reason to. It’s not your fault. You can’t control your bloodline that came before you, Utsuro. All you can control now is your health and the health of your children. And I’m here to support and care for all of you.” Bakugou turned her around to face him, hands once again firmly on her shoulders. “Get it?”

Koge sniffled, reaching up to wipe her nose with the back of her hand. “Sometimes I think I’m such a mess. Crying over something that hasn’t even happened yet…” Bakugou sighed, rocking her from side to side a bit. “You are a mess. You’re a mess with a cute ass and a fucking beautiful smile. Now stop making me say all these mushy things, I did enough of that today, don’t you think?”

Giggling softly, Koge followed his movements, leaning from side to side willingly. “For someone who hates Christmas, you were so into it today. You even read a story from a book for Natsu! It was adorable.” Bakugou scoffed, though Koge saw the corners of his mouth twitch up a bit into a hint of a smile. “She wouldn’t stop begging me so I had to. If we did have another, I just hope it wouldn’t be as crazy as her. I think all that coffee you drank while pregnant made her permanently hyper.”

Pouting, Koge shook her head, gripping onto both of his arms gently. “I drank the maximum amount I was allowed to have. I don’t think that made a difference. I think it’s your crazy genes that made her hyper. That, and watching all your fights. She was begging me to let her watch our recordings of you in high school at the sports festival, but I haven’t let her yet without asking you.”

“Tch, if she watches me on the news, it’s no different. I don’t mind.” Bakugou looked down, watching as Koge lightly traced the form of his stomach with her fingers. “What are you doing?” “I just love your body, Katsuki. I’m so lucky. I got a sweet and caring husband with muscles and a nice tush.”

“Tush?” Bakugou glowered down at her as she giggled, loving to see his ears flush red with embarrassment. “Oh man,” Koge teased, slipping her fingers under the elastic rim of his boxers to tug him in closer. “I cannot believe you actually just said ‘tush’. It means ass.” Bakugou huffed, reaching up to pinch her nose shut. “I know what it means! Why the fuck did you have to use that word, though? It sounds stupid!” Laughing now, Koge let her arms wrap around him, forcing him to release her as she shoved her face into his chest. “‘Cause you got a cute tush. Cuter than mine.”

“That I don’t agree with.” Bakugou held her still with one arm while he used his free hand to give her backside a hard smack, making her squeal and latch onto him tighter. “O-ouch! Katsuki, don’t make me scream like that, I’ll wake up the kids!”

“Nah, they’re out cold. They had way too much excitement today with no naps. I think I can beat you up a little without them noticing anything. These new pajamas look fucking hot on you, by the way. I made a good choice.”

“Sh!” Koge reached up and covered his mouth, trying to be serious, though giggles continued to escape her. “Katsuki, we were having a serious conversation.” Bakugou nibbled at the skin of her palm, making her quickly pull them back before she was subjected to a full bite. “You’re right. Let’s have another.”

“Just like that?” Koge glowered up at him, her cheeks flushing bright red. “We have to be serious about this, I--” She was interrupted by her own squeak as Bakugou scooped her up, throwing her over his shoulder as he started towards the bedroom. “You want another, we can have another! We have the room, the money and the time. Stop kicking your feet!” Bakugou gave her butt a smack as he went through the door to their bedroom, though Koge continued to struggle.

“Ouch! Katsuki, we can’t just randomly--” He cut her off by throwing her onto the bed, where she struggled to sit up before he could join her. “We can’t just randomly have a baby!”

“Sure we can.” Bakugou smirked as he crawled onto the bed, snatching her by the feet and tugging her body closer to him. “We just have to fuck.”

“Don’t be so vulgar about it!” Koge put her hands on the top of his head to try and push him down, though she was no match against him as he began to kiss his way up her stomach, her shirt going with him. It wasn’t that she was no match for his strength, but instead it was his kisses. His hands and lips against her skin felt so good and so warm that she would literally let him do anything to her, as long as he didn’t stop touching her. “W-we need to plan it.”

“Do we?” Bakugou skipped her chest, moving his kisses to her neck. “What for? We have months to plan, after you get pregnant.”

“That won’t happen if I have my birth control still in my arm! You dummy!” Koge glared up at him as he stopped, sitting up from her body to look down at her in confusion.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” She crossed her arms over her chest, not giving up on her glare even as his smirk returned. “So we do have to plan it. We can’t just-- hey, Katsuki!” Koge’s body was lifted a bit from the bed as her shorts were removed, tossed away and leaving her just in some underwear and the tank top. “Do you not get what I’m saying?”

“No, I get it.” Bakugou gently urged her arms to uncross, bringing them both up over her head as he held them down with one hand, the other caressing her cheek. After he took her lips in a kiss, Koge quickly found herself melting into him, so engrossed in his affection that she didn’t really know why she had been pushing back in the first place. With his hands sliding down her body, Bakugou smirked against her lips, his crimson glare lighting a fire within her core that she just couldn’t resist.

“Even if we do have to plan… There’s nothing wrong with a little practice.”

——— character question sheet

▌real name: Melissa Reed ▌single or taken: Verse dependant -- unless in an established ship w somebody in the same verse, she is single !! ▌abilities or powers: In canon ( not in an au ), Melissa is a normal human being, and has no notable powers beyond that of any other normal human being. The only thing I can think to mention is that she’s of above average intelligence. I do, however, have an Infamous au based on the video games of the same name in which Melissa is a conduit whose powers are centred around metal. ▌eye colour: Green ▌hair colour: Dark Brown ▌family members: The only member of her family with whom she is in direct contact with is Gavin Reed, her brother, six years her elder. Due to the seriously strained nature of her relationship with her parents as a result of their treatment of her, she is low-contact with them and no longer visits. ▌pets: She does not have any pets as her apartment building doesn’t allow animals. She has considered, in the past, getting a couple of rats -- but she doesn’t know if she’d be home enough to care for them properly. Some day she would love to have a pet !! ▌something they don’t like: Androids in general, but not through any feeling of hatred ; she’s afraid and prefers therefore to avoid them. She does, however, feel guilty about that, and is trying to work on it at her own pace. She strongly dislikes Cyberlife ( and is fully convinced that deviancy was intentionally designed by Elijah Kamski ). Surprisingly, she doesn’t actually like coffee, either. She drinks it because it wakes her up, but thinks it’s pretty gross. ▌hobbies/activities: Before losing her arm, she used to dance. Different styles, all were enjoyable and kept her fit. Dancing was the one thing her parents forced her into that she actually stuck with into adulthood. Presently she sinks herself too far into her work to have much time for hobbies. She likes reading, likes learning, likes to visit museums on her rare free days. Also pretty into pointing out the inaccuracies in horror movies. ▌ever hurt anyone before: Yes ▌ever killed anyone before: No, although she feels a little responsible for a string of serial killings she worked on earlier into her employment. Lacking forensic evidence meant that, despite having the suspect in custody for questioning, they could not be pinned down, and were let go. Three more women died before he was ultimately arrested, and although she logically knows there was nothing to find before then, she thinks it might be a little bit her fault. ▌animal that represents them: The octopus. They are naturally curious animals who have a very clear disdain for boredom. They’re quick learners, and use tools in crafty ways to help them get at what they want. Octopuses are some of the most intelligent creatures in the ocean, despite their generally small and squishy existence. They’re cool. ▌worst habits: Complete workaholic, neglects her personal relationships in favour of academic and work-based achievement. Despite being slow to anger, when she finally loses her temper, she becomes extremely irrational and seeks not to resolve the problem, but to hurt whoever has triggered her anger. Neglectful of her mental and physical health. Values independence to the point of refusing help when she needs it. ▌sexual orientation: Bisexual / biromantic ▌thoughts on marriage/kids: She would love to get married. Not only are there plentiful legal benefits to marriage, she just thinks it’s nice. It’s a public promise of love and devotion and she deems it to be important in her relationships that her partner wants to get married in the future. Melissa would like to have children, but it is not a deal-breaker for her if her partner doesn’t want them. She is extremely uncertain of her own ability to be a parent given that she has no healthy examples of parental relationships, and would only want to be a parent with somebody else who wanted to be a parent, too. She thinks kids would be nice, but wouldn’t be upset about it if her partner didn’t want any. ▌fears: Losing a loved one. Failure. Androids ( specifically the exact model and appearance of the android that attacked her ). Spiders. ▌style preferences: Pretty blouses. Soft jumpers. Dark and neutral colours. Pencil skirts. Tailored pants. Long silk dresses. Minimal jewellery. Natural makeup. Softly curled hair. Lingerie. Warm scarves. Flat shoes. ▌someone they love: Gavin, obviously. Any significant others. She has a great deal of platonic love for her close friends. Her parents, despite her avoidance of them. ▌approach to friendships: Melissa is a people pleaser and approaches interaction with an openness to developing friendships. She’s not pushy, but often blurs the lines of professionalism slightly in order to make people feel comfortable approaching her in a personal capacity. She does not blur professionalism when the person in question works lower in the chain than her, as she believes it inappropriate to have a personal relationship with subordinates. She is generally forgiving when her trust is breached, but is in no way a push-over and won’t allow friends to walk all over her. She is incredibly loyal and always happy to help a friend in need. Due to her general friendliness, Melissa is rather popular, but holds only a certain few people close to her heart. ▌thoughts on pie: It’s fine. Melissa doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth. ▌favourite drink: She primarily drinks water, but she’s a big fan of tea. Herbal stuff, mostly. Chamomile is nice. ▌favourite place to spend time at: She’s sort of a homebody, but she likes spending times at libraries and museums. Even with most literature being accessible through the internet, she likes the feel of a book in her hands. She’s very friendly with the staff at her local library. ▌swim in the lake or in the ocean: Lake. Riptides are scary, and with her arm, she does less swimming than sort of floating in one place near land. She finds the ocean fascinating, though, and would maybe consider it in calm waters. ▌their type: Somebody ambitious who knows what they want and is actively striving to get there. Somebody patient, who is willing to listen to her. Melissa has been deeply traumatised by her career and her childhood and although she copes well alone, those traumas are bound to arise in long term relationships, so she needs to be with somebody who isn’t going to run at the first sign of trouble. She wants her partner to be supportive and not see her as somebody with whom they need to compete. Somebody who takes pride in their work and their passions. Somebody who is honest with her. A teammate. ▌camping or indoors: Indoors !!

tagged by : @deviated-detective tagging : whoever would like to do this !! it’s a lot of fun -- tag me so i can see, i’d love to learn about everybody’s muses uwu

6,7,9,14,18,25,32,35,50 📚🎓 😊

6: Career goals?I don’t have an exact specific goal, but I know I want to work with people (especially children and adolescents) dealing with trauma. Specifically I’d like to work with people who were exposed to some kind of violent or criminally related trauma. I’ve always wanted to work in forensics, but specifically with the victims of crime (not necessarily the perpetrators, although that would also be fascinating). I love helping out in extreme situations, I work well in a crisis, and I have a lot of different interests and passions that kind of go together. But I’m still figuring out how to make that all work with a master’s in clinical mental health counseling. If anyone has any ideas/suggestions, hmu! ;)

7: Do you think your goals are realistic?I think so. I am pretty flexible in terms of what I would be actually in doing, and I’ve always worked grunt work jobs, so I’m not scared off by doing some of the work a lot of people would avoid. Like for example, community mental health sounds super appealing to me, but a lot of people act like it’s horrible work. Idk. I’m sure once I’ve had the experience I’ll have a clearer sense of what I really want, but right now I’m more so interested in working with a specific population. The actual career goal is a little more up in the air atm.

9: Favorite class out of everything you’ve ever taken and why?Forensic Anthropology. I freaking LOVED THAT CLASS SO MUCH. I wish I could still be taking it now, and take it forever until I learned ALL THE STUFF. I really enjoyed my professors teaching style, and the content, I could just read about it forever. I’ve even considered changing my life plan multiple times because I loved that subject so much. :) There’s not a lot of grad programs that offer it though, and the job is competitive because there’s not a big need for forensic anthropologists… :(14: Favorite humanities subject?Psychology! Of course. :) I also love English Literature.18: Have you ever tried study drugs?Yeah, I took Adderall with my roommate when I was in community college at like 18 or 19. It was literally the dumbest thing, it just made me antsy and anxious and unable to actually do a good job on my work. The only thing I really remember about the experience was walking down to the drag (in Austin) to get a smoothie with a bunch of vitamin C and energy boosters, and staying up all night doing a really awful job at whatever I was working on, and then going to class looking like shit probably freaking out my professors bc I was obviously a mess, and then taking a long nap when I got home. It didn’t do me any favors and I’m pretty sure I ended up failing out of a class that semester, lol. Don’t do drugs to study. Just do your best and if you feel like you need drugs in order to get through your classes (like, assuming you don’t have a valid prescription and reason for them), you’re most likely taking on too much and you just need to chill out or take a break from school. When you get older and realize how much MONEY you wasted being in school when you weren’t ready for it, you’ll feel like such a dumb ass! School is freaking expensive. Take it seriously and take however much time you need in order to do your best with it. Don’t let anyone peer pressure you into taking on more than you should.(-д-；)25: Are you procrastinating right now?Yes, lol. I have a paper to write, due tomorrow.ಥ‿ಥ32: Describe your favorite teacher/professor and why you like them.The teacher I have in mind (out of the ones I’ve had in grad school so far) is really kind and patient, professional, very concise and articulate. I love her! She always gives really clear instructions, and when she messes up or says something confusing she laughs about it and rephrases better. She’s very empathetic and can take a joke, but also takes her work very seriously. I really like her personality, and how organized she is. :))) I took a class with her last quarter, and now I’m taking two more with her this quarter! lol.(〃▽〃)35: Most profound thing ever said to you by a teacher/professor?Jeez, Idk. I would have to think about that. I really got a lot out of my critical thinking class, and my research work. But I can’t think of a specific thing that someone said to me personally that really hit me. I’m sure there has been some stuff though! I’m not good with quotes… 50: What’s something more important to you than school?My husband, my pets, living a happy life, my family. A lot of things are! School is a privilege and a gift to be able to pursue. It doesn’t come before the other things in my life that are more important though. I can ALWAYS take a break and go back to school if that ever needs to happen. I take school very seriously though, I see it as something I have to earn with hard work and dedication! I don’t like to take it for granted.(☆｀・ω・´)

Studyblr Asks: Feel free to ask me more! Or reblog this post for your own asks. 🏫☕📚

|| bill skarsgard, cismale, he/him || ( kazaran morozov ) is a ( 25 ) year old ( senior ) at rockport university studying ( business + literature [TA] ). people say they are ( ardent ) but also ( stoic ), and remind others of ( coffee rings on crisp paper, losing their sense of reality, hushed arguments ). bet they sure didn’t expect anyone to know about ( his plagiarizing to succeed and honor his terminally ill mother he killed ) but someone does, and ( kaz ) better cooperate if they plan to keep their lives. || james, 20, EST ||

hi i’m so sorry this took a long ass time to put out but im herE lmao here’s my baby

tw; murder, addiction/substance abuse, abuse mentions,

gen. info:

full name: kazaran nikolai morozov

nickname(s): kaz

b.o.d.: december 14th

label(s): the escapist, the academic, the fallen, the philanthropist, etc.

height: 6′4″

hometown: bangor, maine

sexuality: str...aigh...t ? question mark ?

biography:

born to a self-made businessman and a philanthropist with a penchant for odd names

his father’s a russian who moved to the u.s. in his childhood who still has many...unique, ties, to the country though none of those are important

his business involves military equipment and he works closely with the u.s.’s military (ahsdfghk conspiracies ?)

and his mother was a plain jane (literally--her name was jane) from a family of politicians; his uncle’s a senator

kaz is the eldest out of seven children (christ) and yes all of their names are just as excessive as ‘kazaran’

grew up with the pressure of the ‘golden child’ title; kaz had to be perfect at everything he did, from his grades to after school activities to manners and presentment

was always expected to follow in his father’s footsteps and like ?? partner with him once he was old enough? 

which is fine and grand except kaz had never given a shit about his father’s business; his real passion had always been for the arts, particularly literature and even more particularly poetry

he found that the arts was probably the most...free, kaz could get, without actively rebelling against his father

b/c god . . . his father is a force to be reckon’d w/

very strict man, likes to be in control constantly, not the...best, emotionally towards his family. or verbally. sometimes physically. y’know.

this really only...amplified, kaz’s perfectionist attitude. it was mostly out of fear of repercussions than much else

kaz has, however, always loved his mother.

jane is the opposite of their father, a woman who loves the world and everybody in it with this...heart of gold, and best intentions in mind

the only problem was that she was horribly submissive to her husband

aNYWAys okay, kaz grew up fairly unscathed but only because he was so...conformist, y’know?

loves his siblings and would die for them, but god--he’d have to side with his father just for his own sake, which definitely strained his relationship with a few of ‘em

AnywAys again; was pretty well-known in his high school

for being like, intimidatingly tall but also was fairly popular? star of the track team, student gov president, in DECA or whatever.

went to rockport just because it wasn’t...too far from home, and partially because he wasn’t allowed to go out of state.

and he was fine w/ it, man

his mother got sick his freshmen year, however, it wasn’t...horrible, at first

it was concerning, yes, but the doctors said she was going to be fine

jane was pretty...adamant about not letting her condition effect her children, too, so she acted as if she was fine

kaz, being a dumbass, was like alright fine this is fine and went on w/ life

sophomore year he met his soulmate; a future veterinarian named freya

n i mean he just...fell for her immediately, y’know ?? n ig she felt similar enough b/c they started dating immediately

it was really...good, for him; especially as his mother’s heath had suddenly taken a turn for the worst

kaz wound up taking two years off of school to care for his mother; his father was gone more often than not, and he felt as if his younger siblings shouldn’t have been burdened with the task

and well...jane never got better, only worse

it was at the point where the doctors had sent her home, knowing that nothing else could be done--she was confined to her bed, and miserable. in pain, really.

one...day, as kaz was tending to jane, she broke down. i mean, just, a full on emotional breakdown, a complete episode, begging him to just...put her out of her misery.

and, god, kaz had never disobeyed his parents (minus his studies in literature but y’knw what. . . not important rn) but that was so ?? morally ?? conflicting ??

they cried together for a long time until y’know. deciding what to do.

as soon as she had fallen asleep, kaz put a pillow to her.

he was never...caught, tho that may have involved some bribery on his father’s end who knows

the day after the funeral, kaz proposed to freya and she agreed.

and it really should’ve been fine if kaz’s mental health didn’t rapidly deteriorate like...he was not handling it well

freya helped, yes, but she could only do so much

turned to drugs, particularly painkillers after a minor car crash and just...a mix of shit, y’know.

probably stole drugs from his fiance’s job tbh

got on antidepressants, which only worsened his shit b/c he started ?? occasionally hallucinating his dead mother ??

his creativity had also just. shat on itself. he couldn’t write, no matter how hard he tried

his mother had really wanted him to pursue his dreams, and god, he was too far in his degree to drop literature

so he started....plagiarizing, his works, b/c kaz is a whole ass idiot. but he hasn’t gotten caught yet, somehow

his fiance thought the cruise program would be a great way for kaz to possibly, recover, since she could see how bad he was doing so he weNt because of her

also yes at this point he had gone back to school; had even gotten a TA position because he used to be...one of the best in his class, y’know ?

anyways yeah im paraphrasing this all horribly but idc u get the point

drug addict, mercy-killed his mother, loves his fiancee, tortured soul, y’know all that

personality:

likes to pretend he’s much calmer than he actually is, y’know

likes the whole aloof and distant thing b/c it’s already so easy for him to be intimidating

he can b a lil snarky, a lil sarcastic, but he’s overall always been really well meaning?

can be extremely passionate about his hobbies, or his future wife, or really...anything he mildly likes, tho, y’know?

gOD is he always feeling so guilty, tho, it really weighs him down

but he’s also like...usually high, sometimes u can tell but more often than not u can’t ??

because he’s obsessed w/ seeming okay. and doing okay. and being that average dude next door, y’know?

he wants to be normal, to feel normal, but he’s got this wave of emotions crashing into his chest and he’s in sm pa i n constantly

like he’s got major anxiety but u won’t know unless u catch him in midst of a panic attack and like he’d rather die than somebody see that

probably journals as a way 2 like...cope, and keep himself calm

uuhh he’s like lowkey a huge softie. will cry at sad movies and won’t care tht he’s crying about it

takes teaching rly seriously but he’s also always concerned somebody’s going to figure out that he’s just. a fraud.

smart, with dumbass energy

like he just...sometimes doesn’t think ??

loves his fiancee a whole bunch but this distance thing is...sm harder than he thought it would be. she’s his anchor and he’s just ?? floating aimlessly now

but yeah he’s always acting like he’s okay, like he’s gucci.

uuuhhhh god i dont know what else to say tbh ?? he’s just. a mans. being a mans.

probably doesn’t sleep super often b/c not only is he a TA, but he’s got some mf nightmares man

wanted connections:

got a girl best friend but he needs a...dude best friend?

other friends in general, honestly

professors he’s got some sort of relationship with b/c he’s working for penelope rn

a flirty unrequited thing, where they keep tryn but kaz is like nO i am TAKEN look at this photo of my beAUTIFUL FIANCEE

ppl pissed at him for the grades he’s given them LMAO

people...concerned? for him?

bad mf influences who are like LET’S GET FUCKED UP

a dealer y’know. somebody on the ship who can give him what he wants which is a Lot

uuh let’s brainstorm together, bb

like srsly just. gimme a like, i’ll pop into ur dms w/ my messy tall son and be like let’s fuck him up !

today was a lot. i had a 1on1 therapy thing that was supposed to be like an INTRO TO UR RECOVERY WOO!!! LETS GET UR MENTAL HEALTH IN CONTROL!!! But instead it turned into me having 4 panic attacks constantly crying while venting to a social worker in a room w no air con for 2 hours about ‘how my month has been’ and ‘why i haven’t been attending any of my group therapy?’ well sue sweetie.. u asked me…n boy did i give u the answer ur career as a social worker has been WAITING 4!! then i got my 1st covid shot & briefly spoke to my doctor who was rude asf so i was like ok today fucked. Centrelink also called me and told me wrong info which fucked me over. then i see my dad calling and im like OFC HE IS!!massive fight as per n he hangs up but then continues via text bc hes petty asf.

BUT not as petty as my mom bc that is literally how the fight started. bc of her. like this bitch omg. she purposely runs off to my dad and tells him every little thing i do ‘wrong’ bc she knows his temper and how afraid i am of him due to past events so she uses him to basically do her dirty work for her n ‘scare me’. like that’s how manipulative and fucked up she is in the head. she made up a whole ass lie and told my dad that i said to my mom the only reason i was trying to stay in contact with my dad was so that i remain in his will as like the sole beneficiary or whatever….. how sick and twisted must you be to lie to someone directly in their face about something so serious INVOLVING UR OWN CHILD that you share with that person????? i would NEVER! say that about my dad. EVER. this happened months ago btw. as soon as i spoke about it w my dad and i was like “what.. dad i would never say that you know i don’t give a fuck about money like that i don’t care about your will why would i even be thinking about your will?” he was like wait actually that’s fucked up ur right. It was actually HER who made that comment. she got my dad to go and fix fencing at my nans house for free (using him) n my dad mentioned he had a girlfriend. my mum came home & SAID TO ME “u better hurry up and get in ur dads good books now that he has a gf.. before she gets a hold of his will and u end up w nothing” and i simply told her that my dad would never take me off his will regardless so why say that to me. once she got exposed she backtracked and was like “oh it was just a joke” & both my dad and I were both saying that even as a joke how is that funny? how does your mind even start to think in that way? how is this funny to you? then she flips it. her scripts are so repetitive now that ive caught on that i can actually predict what she’s gonna say before she opens her mouth. she manipulates u into thinking ur reality isn’t correct.. saying things like “ omg ur over reacting lol ur so dramatic no wonder no one takes u seriously in life, grow up, i have no idea what ur going on about, have u taken ur medication for the day, have u lost it, are u high on something?” like what in the fuck?

i never once mentioned anything about anyones will.. when i was younger i made the mistake obviously of telling her that my dad was leaving me his house. when my nans will was getting exposed she became overly obsessed w wills in general and changed hers. im guessing behind my back she has actually taken me off now but i don’t want her dirty ass money which is stolen from my accounts anyway. my nan left all her grandchildren a large sum of money that was supposed to be equally split among us, its now been over a year since my nan passed & i noticed a group text come up on my moms phone from her sisters talking about what they did for their children with that money. one of them paid off their entire hex debt so it must be a substantial amount. i have not seen a cent which means she has taken it for herself, put it in her name and placed it into a secret account without my knowledge. if it’s as much $ as i believe it is, this could seriously help me move out and better my situation which she constantly tells me she wants me to get the fuck out ect. yet you are holding the key to the door in ur hand? that’s twisted and very sick. they fought for a year over my nans money and all i asked for was an old XXXX gold stubby holder that was my grandads bc it was very sentimental to me. instead, they chose to have a garage sale and sold all of my nans things and sold that stubby holder to a random person for 20 cents………. i was in shock when i found out.. and they laughed and were like get over it omg it’s just a stubby holder you can just buy another one. these people are so fucked up but they all made me feel like i was losing my mind my whole life. money isn’t shit without sentiment. i could have given you 20 cents if you need that shit so bad. im only attached partially to these evil ass roaches by some genetics but to me none of them are my family. not once have i ever felt cared for, loved, accepted, safe or happy in their presence. i am only ever wanted when they can gain something from me. that is not family. my grandad was big on family n my nan and my grandad are the only two people i claim as family from my moms side. my nans two blind siblings who i admired & adored + a few of my grandads siblings were the only ones who actually showed interest in getting to know me & didn’t look down on me in any way. i was never considered ‘less than’ or not good enough yet i was the family disappointment to my mom and her sisters. but they have never seen her like i see her. the way she acts in front of family is not the person i know. she’s very good at acting. the way she pretends to be a ‘mother’ in front of her own family is actually scary. she’s like the ultimate con artist except she’s too fucking dumb to actually scam people and get rich off of her ability to manipulate whoever she wants. what a shame ur not intelligent.. that sure must suck huh. my nan gave me that maternal love i never had from my mother and my grandad was always that man who held us all together as a unit. when he got sick everything changed and started to go down hill. they had to give up their entire property, his big beautiful garden and vegetables he was really passionate about, the horses and land ect. my nan planted a rose bush and it grew big and blossomed big red roses and she said this is for you, my little rachel rose 🌹 🥺 she said she wanted to take the whole ass bush w her and replant it 😂 but my grandad was like we are not taking a fucking huge ass rose bush w thorns in the car w us Gloria.. i only remembered this today during that therapy session and i hyperventilated so bad n just started crying.. bc i couldn’t believe my brain had blocked that memory for so long just to recover it now that she’s no longer here to share it with.

i can feel the love my dad has for me even when he’s temperamental.. you can see it in his face and his eyes. when i look at my mom i try desperately to find some sort of just fucking anything and… i see nothing. i can tell that she doesn’t feel anything. but she does for other children. just not me. so i know she isn’t a heartless bitch and is capable of emotions of all sorts.. but anything to do with me it’s almost like im invisible or she cannot see fault in her self. she cannot in any way accept anything she has ever done, she has never said the words ‘I’m sorry’ for anything ever in life involving me, she has stood by (literally stood and watched) while her own sisters verbally abused me as a minor calling me out my name AND one even texted my best friend at the time who was about 14 saying that i was a bitch. meaning my mom gave my aunt my friends number to text that message.. my friends mom was livid about this bc what grown ass woman texts a random 14 year old girl paragraphs of shit like that swearing at them and saying that their friend is a rude ungrateful bitch. her mom reacted as a mother should. as i would love my mother to stick up for me just once in life.. u kno.. ever? i still remember my first SUI attempt at like 16 after being abused and this person told me they were leaving and coming back so i had about a 10 min window of time and i panicked as any 16 young girl home alone would.. i called my mom for help bc ur parents are supposed to protect you. her wording was “well what did u do to make him hit you?” “you know that you deserved that”. i was in disbelief that she would react like that.. she was talking so calmly while i was crying hysterically having a panic attack telling her this man was coming back in 10 mins asking her to please help me.. and all she could say was.. “you probably deserved it”. ive never been the same since then tbh. im not blessed enough to be a parent yet, i may never be.. but i know for a fucking FACT that i would NEVER say any of the shit that she says to me to ANY child let alone MY OWN?!?

you had me at 36 years old. you had time to think about this and evaluate whether you thought you would be able to care for a child and make a good parent. If you “didn’t want to deal with me” then you had other options.. you could have sent me to foster care, you could have adopted me out, you could aborted me, shidddd you could have mf swallowed me bitch let’s be real. no, you chose to have a child. there’s no 18 year contract.. she loves to play that card. “UR AN ADULT NOW”, what about me makes me an adult, my age makes me an adult to you? yet you’ve kept me so childlike, so codependent & haven’t taught me basic life skills despite me asking to learn. like im deadass watching YouTube videos to teach myself basic ass life skills… that is sad as fuck. when im 48… guess what??? i am still your child and unfortunately for me!! you are STILL my parent. there’s no changing that bc you made that choice. you can’t just b like yeah i change my mind nvm i want to return it…… like that is really her attitude. i was born with a lot of health issues that have escalated a lot and only continue to get worse with age both mental and physical. guess what tho… if ur child is born with defects u don’t get to just b like omg ew i don’t want it now this one’s too difficult. like trust me.. if i was one of those lil sperm rn i am not about to fertilise u for NOTHING if this is the consequence I’d rather jus keep on swimming lmao.