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jojissalsa · 18 days

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uncle leon being icky... (need him so bad)

tw: dead dove, incest (uncle-niece), slight dubcon, size difference, dumbification, mentions of alcoholism, descriptions of porn, leon being gross to bimbo reader (fem reader) MDNI, 18+ under cut (not proofread SORRY!)

a/n: i cannot stop thinking of vendetta leon finding that one pornstar that looks like him…. i just know he'd watch all his vids religiously cause he wants to be a skeevy little shit. love that sleaze ball so much <3

you knew you weren't the sharpest tool in the box, it was just in your nature. never stressed about having to lift your pretty, manicured hands, because your parents did all that for you. sure, they were never around and that probably left a lot of emotional scars, but who cares about that when you get to wear designer?

you always thought it was a bit weird that your parents had your uncle looking after you even now that you were an adult. probably because you always had that habit of sneaking alcohol when they weren't looking, especially when you also sneaked your friends over. but isn't it ironic to have an obvious alcoholic to look after another? if only you knew what either of those words meant, thinking too much makes you bored. you shrug it off as you watch your parents let leon in so they can go on another date night. it's always hard to be happy for them when they make time for themselves but never make any time for you. who cares when leon's around though? he makes time for you, even if it's brief. he gives you a quick hug, saying he's gonna be spending the night. you can feel the flask in the pocket of his leather jacket, but you don't say anything. yet, at least.

your plans were to get to him when he was already tipsy, praying he didn't drink it all yet when you managed to catch him when he's off guard. you wait until he thinks he's alone, sitting on the couch with his laptop in front of him, headphones in. you assumed he was watching some kind of movie, so you hop over the back of the couch and sit next to him. "hey leon, whatcha doin'?" you grin as he shuts his laptop instantly, looking at you with a startled look. you weren't that dumb, he probably was watching some chick flic and didn't want you to tease him about it. "nothing, what do you want?" you pout at his dismissive tone, you'd think he'd be a little happier to be giving you attention. "what makes you think i want something? i just wanna spend time with my favorite uncle!" you move to cuddle up at his side, watching as he grabs a throw pillow and moves it onto his lap. weird, he must be cold. "really? you sure it's not to get a drink out of me?" the way he saw right through you made your face heat up, looking around as if to figure out some kind of excuse. "what?? no.. what were you watching?" your tone was a lot less confident and bubbly, sheepish as you looked up at him. "nothing a girl like you should watch, that's for sure." he scoots his laptop away but you press up against him to try and stop him. "c'monnn, it can't be that bad, right? just let me see!" you tug at his laptop to keep it near you two, seeing him start to smile from your curiosity. "you sure, sweetheart? you might think your uncle is weird." he pinches your cheek as if you're some dumb kid, blushing under his hand. "i won't judge, promise."

in hind sight, you probably should've known. if you had a brain, that is. you sit up when he finally lifts up his laptop screen, your eyes widening when it reveals a porn video. one of those studio ones, but it wasn't the fact that it was porn. the guy looked like leon. like, a lot like him. you chastise yourself when you shiver at the thought, but is it really that bad? anyone can say their uncle is handsome, but seeing this guy was different. he was so much bigger than the girl in the video. and so strong too? never seen a guy hold someone up like that for so long.. "hey, you still here?" you must've been close to drooling, because you've been staring at the video since he opened his laptop. "huh? yeah, yeah." you wave him off to continue watching, because you've never seen anything like this before. sure, you've watched porn before, but this was different. it felt different, it looked dirty. the way his hands were bigger than half her body, all the things he was saying, it made your chest feel heavy and your panties feel damp. you barely noticed the throw pillow suddenly gone from leon's lap, his hand moving down your back, his fingers dangerously close to slipping under your shorts. "are girls really that small? or are guys just that big?" your question was genuine, you never paid attention to the difference like that. maybe now you'd think about it a bit more than most things. "mmm, dunno, you wanna find out?" his voice sounded just as husky as the guy in the video, and it nearly made you moan, unable to part your lips to say yes. so you just nod, your heavy breathes coming out in short little puffs from your nose.

you thought he was just gonna grab your hand and show you the size difference like the guy in the video, instead he moves his laptop to the coffee table, leaving you in front of him with your legs spread. you watch as his hand smooths over the back of your thigh before stilling right next to your clothed pussy, making you twitch at how close his hand was. "look at that, such a cute little cunt." he groans and you let out the most pathetic squeak that makes you cringe internally. "aww, you like that, huh? you wanna know if my fingers can fit in that tiny pussy?" you shake like a leaf in the wind at his voice, feeling the pulse in your cunt get just as fast as your heartbeat. "mhm.." you feel so meek, being this vulnerable, and in front of your uncle of all people. it was fast, leon was already peeling your clothes off before you even let the sound out. the relief washing over you from being freed of your panties short lived as his fingers swiped over your clit, slick sticking to his palm. "hold your legs up, baby." your nails nearly dig into the back of your knees as you hold up your legs, the sudden intrusion of his finger making you tense.

your mind could barely cling onto one thought for too long, drifting from one to the next. god, his finger is so thick. so long, too. i can't even reach that far, can i? he laughs like he can hear what you're thinking, digging his finger even deeper, making you gasp as your back arches. "not used to a finger reaching that far, huh, sweetheart? think you can fit my cock in here?" the way he talks is making you squirm, needing him to hold you down as he slips another finger in. "i wanna try, can i, uncle leon? show me, please." you clearly hit a nerve, his touch feeling even more needy just from your words alone. you whine as his fingers leave your hole so he can work on getting his cock out of his jeans, still holding your legs up. your eyes glaze over as he holds his cock over your tummy, his pre-cum leaking onto your skin. "look at that," he takes your jaw in his hand, making you look at how big he is compared to you, the tip of his cock barely an inch away from your belly button. "so fucking wet and i barely touched you. that video really turned you on that much?" your body tenses again as he holds his dick in place to hump against your clit, feeling the knot in your core get tighter and tighter.

you were so focused on the pleasure you were feeling you didn't realize he wanted you to answer him. his grip on your jaw got tighter, pushing your cheeks together to pucker your lips. "too dumb of a whore you can't answer? i haven't even stuck my dick in you yet and you're leaking like a faucet," your body practically convulses at his dirty talk, drool threatening to leave your shut lips. "do you even care that i'm your uncle? or are you just a slut for anyone with a cock?" you try to tilt your head back from ecstasy, failing miserably from his grip staying tight, whining from all the teasing. "'s not true, you're being mean.." your words are muffled, slurred from how cockdrunk you are. "aww, i'm being mean? what, am i teasing you too much, sweetheart?" you're on the verge of screaming at him to hurry it up before you lose it, the shame of doing this with your uncle long gone. not like it was there to begin with, you doubt you even grasp the meaning of shame. not because you're a whore, of course not. you're just a dumbass.

he can tell your whimpering is desperate enough to consider as begging, finally sheathing his cock inside you, groaning into the crook of your neck as he bottoms out. you've never felt this full in your life, you can't tell if the stretch is painful because he's big or because you haven't gotten laid in a while. meanwhile he's a little disappointed you're not a virgin, but you might as well be with how tight your walls are hugging him. he might as well be the virgin, trying his hardest not to come when your walls try to suck him in as he pulls out. "fuck, so goddamn tight, surprised i even fit." you gasp when he thrusts in deeper, hitting your sweet spot. he leans up to get a full view of you, his gaze trailing down to where he sits snug in your pussy, chuckling meanly at the bulge he sees under your tummy. "see?" he makes sure your eyes are looking where he is too, picking up his pace when he sees you lock in on it. "look at how much dick you're taking, so proud of you, sweetie." the condescending lilt in his voice sends you spiraling, tightening on him as your head hangs low on the couch cushion. that was all he needed to go even faster, watching your tits bounce as he pounded you into the couch. he wasn't just rearranging your guts, he was fucking your brain out of your head, watching as you drooled onto the plush surface your pretty, empty head laid on.

he could feel you getting closer, and he knew he wasn't gonna last much longer either with how tight you were. "you wanna make uncle leon really proud, hun?" you nodded feverishly, dying at the opportunity to please him. you feel his hand move from gripping your tit to thumbing your clit, rubbing harsh, slow circles. "cum for uncle leon, sweetheart, gonna make him real happy when you do." it was in an instant, feeling your toes curl as your vision goes white, only able to scream his name over and over as your nails nearly pierced the skin under your knees. "good girl, you needed that, huh? don't worry, you'll get a nice, fat load too." your ears were still ringing, so you only registered he was cumming inside you before it was too late. you were too delirious to care about the moral implications, enjoying the warm feeling of his cum spilling from your pussy. "tiny little cunt can't even hold my cum." you hear him breathe out before he pushes it back in with his fingers, laughing at your sensitive squirming.

he lets you sleep it all off, making sure to wake up before you so your parents don't catch you two sleeping in the same bed. why sleep in the guest room when you just fucked your niece? you sit on the steps as you watch him say his goodbyes to your parents, shooting you a mean smile before he leaves. you're the first to know how gross he is, but you're praying to the few gods you remember that his smile meant he was willing to do that again. you know you shouldn't crave the way he treated you, how dirty he is. but you can at least be safe knowing you have that video to keep you over until next time.

#dead dove do not eat #dead dove fic #dark fic #dark content #smut #one shot #drabble #leon kennedy oneshot #leon kennedy smut #leon kennedy x reader #leon kennedy x y/n #leon kennedy x fem reader #leon s kennedy x reader #resident evil smut #leon s kennedy #leon kennedy

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moodywyrm · 11 months

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Not annoying at all, as a matter of fact I'd love to know those thoughts if you don't mind sharing 👀

omg hi!! im so normal abt this totally didn't freak out when this came in <3 also this got,,,,, a lil out of hand I fully intended on just doing hcs but I can never follow the plan to save my life so <3

abby and a gf with nipple piercings ,,,,, where do I start,,

if you've had them since Before you two got together, they're such a fun little surprise that she discovers and promptly goes insane over. because the first time she sees them isn't during sex, it's during a sleepover.

you're staying over at Abby's for the first time and, because you're gonna sleep there, you're not wearing a bra. the fabric of your sleep shirt is thin, so the second you walk out of the bathroom after having changed into your pajamas, Abby zones in on the lil bumps under your shirt. because she knows what nipples look like and those have something Special to 'em. but she doesn't want to bring it up to you because what if you think she's a creep for staring? (spoiler: you don't! this is abby fucking Anderson! she could anything and you're like whatever you say momma)

but she cannot stop fucking staring! especially if you have fun jewelry, like the hearts. you're sitting back against her chest, trying to just Watch The Movie, but you can feel Abby's eyes boring into you. The neckline of your shirt is low, stretched out from years of use, and she can just barely see the tops of your tits, and Jesus fuck she's gonna start drooling if she keeps imagining how pretty your tits must look with pierced nipples. Her hands are resting on your tummy, but she wants so so badly to drag them up just enough to brush against your nipples.

She's so not slick about it either, twitchy hands creeping up your tummy until you huff and grab them. "You okay there, Abs?"

"I- Uh, um, yeah, I'm fine, why?"

"Because you're all nervous and shit, is it 'cause I'm staying over?"

You hear her swallow, and shift you around until you're straddling her lap, staring at her with concern. "No, no it's not that, promise."

"Then what it is?" You ask, rubbing at her shoulders to try and soothe her. As you do, you see her eyes flit down to your chest and it clicks. "Oh, I see."

There's a lilt in your voice that makes Abby sweat, suddenly very needy for the weight of you in her lap. "Uh, um, I don't know what you're talking about."

You lean forward, pressing your arms in a bit closer, arching your back to push your chest forward. "I think you do."

Abby gulps, and you take the opportunity to pull one of her hands from your waist and slide it up under your shirt until her finger tips are brushing at the hard metal jewelry.

"Shit," Abby gulps, her entire body on edge. She looks up at you with these big, needy eyes, borderline whimpering, "Can I?"

"Go ahead, baby"

And she's off, rolling the buds between her finger tips with one hands and helping you pull your shirt off with the other. Once it's off, Abby whines, taking in the sight of your pierced nipples, harsh metal against soft skin.

She leans forward, pulling one nipple into her mouth and toying with the piercing, giddy with the way you moan for her.

"Sh-shit, that's it baby," You whimper, holding the back of her head to your chest and panting.

Abby's moans are muffled, her praises only heard in the split seconds were she detaches to suck at your other nipple.

"So – mmh– so fucking pretty"

"Mmm, can't get enough of these – mmh– pretty fucking tits–mmh – fuck"

She's pawing at you, trying to grind your hips down into her as she's sucking at your nipples, trying and failing to keep her composure. Your tits are covered in spit and bite marks, nipples swollen and needy when Abby pulls away and presses a rough kiss to your lips, making you throb.

"Go get on the bed baby, gotta grab something."

n e wayz she's so. abby please. literally want nip piercings so bad abby pls one chance just one <3

also: abby with her gf's nipple piercings

#jupiter-va #abby anderson #abby anderson x reader #abby anderson smut #abby anderson x reader smut

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shera-dnd · 7 months

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I try not to be negative here. Like there's just too much negativity in this webbed site as is and I don't wanna add on to it

BUT god it's so hard not to shit on Mihoyo's character designs

Like I could write a whole fucking essay on why Yae Miko maybe has the ONLY good character design in Inazuma, and how Kokomi's and Raiden's designs are an affront to character design

Not to mention how much I could dunk on how pasty white the entirety of their fantasy India is

...but that would take like an ungodly amount of words and effort and ranting, and like I said I wanna keep negativity to a minimum

so instead I'm gonna do a little "bulk dunk" and go for the entirety of HSR in one go

quick disclaimer that I still play and enjoy these games and Jingliu has me by the balls no matter how painfully boring her character design actually is

ALRIGHT LET'S GO!

I guess it goes without saying that the design of any character in a gacha game is created with only a single thought in mind and that is: MASS MARKET APPEAL!

Which means the characters are meant to be PRETTY and their designs are meant for immediate appeal, not to actually inform the character

This results in some...weirdness

Like the fact that the Natasha (girl on the left) raised Seele (girl on the right) from childhood and used to run an orphanage, meaning she's much MUCH older than Seele, even tho they look about the same age

Okay Nat does look a little older, but no one is allowed to look old in this game

Something that becomes extra clear with

Serval! Who you'd be forgiven for thinking is a young adult playing for a rock band, and not a middle aged disgraced scientist who used to be in a rock band.

And yeah she's supposed to be AT LEAST in her 30s, because girl is the same age as Cocolia and that woman is a mother to an adult woman by the time we meet her

Oh and speaking of Nat and Serval, you've now seen 2/3s of all characters with ANY FORM OF BLEMISHES ON THEIR SKIN!

Nat has a spot on her chin, and Serval has a tattoo on her hip

Last one is Arlan

My man has the only two scars in this whole ass video game. He's also the only dark skinned character. He follows a pattern set by Xinyan and Dehya in Genshin, by being dark skin rep, carrying a big sword, and sucking absolute ass

But okay these characters are pretty, but there's nothing wrong with keeping characters pretty. Well, there is when their prettiness goes against what their character is supposed to be

So Belobog's story is one of class struggle in a military state that is holding back a never ending catastrophe. The entire population of the world is just one big walled city holding back the cold.

In it the rich and powerful live in the Overworld, where they have museums and theaters and grand statues, and a massive building from which their rulers can pass judgement.

The Underworld is mostly just a giant fucking mine where the lower class people are forced to work 24/7 in order to get food and medicine from the Overworld in the hopes that they'll keep surviving.

Underworld characters are survivors who have been struggling every day of their lives and have NEVER SEEN SUNLIGHT BEFORE

Yeah guys I can really get hardworking survivor from these two

But I mean that is just ONE planet, it can't be a thing for EVERY world, right? ...right?

So the Xianzhou Luofu is... a lot. Like it would take a long time to explain everything that is up with those guys, but the big themes here are stuff around chronic illness, memories, PTSD, war time trauma, and a whole bunch of stuff about aging

Like here are two characters who are veterans of war. One is constantly overwhelmed by her own traumatic memories, causing her to go into violent dissociative episodes.

The other one lost her copilot/best friend/rival/love of her life (YOU CANNOT CONVINCE ME SHE ISN'T GAY, MIHOYO) in battle, and the trauma of that loss has left her terrified of flying again, living the rest of her life in the shadow of this one monumental event

...yeah I don't see it either

But hey don't worry, this game believes in gender equality, and that means the men are also just very pretty and very boring

Like the Luofu's messiest polycule, who are all millennia old pretty boys made with the sole purpose of making the straight women in the fanbase call them "daddy"

Well at least Blade has spider lily symbolism, which is like always a plus for me

Okay

That's it

That's all the dunking I have for HSR. I exorcised the angry grumpy critic from my system, and can go back to being positive and loving things again.

And I mean these games make more money than I can ever even conceptualize, so maybe I'm the one who is wrong

Oh also

Clara is perfect and objectively the best character design in this game, don't fucking @ me!

#hsr #honkai star rail #natasha #seele #serval #arlan #luka #jingliu #yukong #dan heng #dan heng il #cooler daniel #blade #jing yuan #clara #fuck that's a lot of characters

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ladylooch · 2 months

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I was so excited when I read you were dipping into a little tequila! So, I wrote this as a (hopefully) fun little exercise in the hopes you could picture this with one of your AU couples:

Hands splayed, she grips his back as he bucks into her pussy, in deep, hard and rapid motions.

Her head turns from quickly from side to side on the pillow, unable to withstand the deep-seated passion he has released in her.

Whimpers and shrieks escape from her mouth, stifled only by pressing her mouth against his shoulder and neck.

He can't stop himself and he cannot get enough of her. Everything she does and every sound she makes is sending him into blissful oblivion.

He glances at her gorgeous features; her eyes are firmly closed, brows furrowed and her jaw is tightly clenched.

“Are you okay?” he said with a somewhat concerned tone as he slows his movements.

She opens her eyes; they're as wide as they are full of pure pleasure.

“I think I need to scream,” she said breathlessly.

He smiled adoringly at her beautiful face.

“You can scream…I don't mind one bit,” he said in between open mouth kisses on her mouth. He continues moving within her but slowing the pace.

“Your neighbours….you’re gonna get a noise complaint…security will end up dragging me outta here,” she said, her eyes stll wild as she looks at him.

“It’s ok…just hold on to me….you’ll be ok, I promise. I'll look after Security and the neighbours” he said reassuringly, as he smoothed back her damp hair from her face.

She nodded for him to continue.

He quickly finds his rhythm and she grips onto his muscular ass, encouraging him to keep going fast and deep into her centre.

She allows her body to completely succumb to the passion and ecstasy building in her core, as her walls clench around such a substantial cock.

Her uncontrolled movements have her hands moving from gripping the mattress to gripping his back, neck and shoulders.

The coil within her snaps and her hips buck wildly, forcing him to release his seed deep into her pussy. Her own hand flies toward her mouth clasping it firmly as she screams into her palm. Her body contorts as her orgasm takes total control of her.

He’s amazed by her as her body begins to relax and then proceeds to go completely limp from exhaustion.

He kisses her gently as he slides his cock from her core and wetness begins to seep out from her onto the already crinkled bedsheet.

“You weren’t kidding about needing to scream” he said, smiling against her damp skin on her slender neck.

“I think I saved you a few dollars by screaming into my hand….I know you make good coin, but you might go broke having to pay everybody off everytime you do this to me,” she said, her lips barely moving, still very much in the afterglow of the best sex of her life.

I didn't proofread this and sort of did this on the fly. Could you see this going on with any of the couples at all?

😧😧😧

NONNIE DO YOU WRITE ON HERE!?!?!?? Holy shit!!!! This is hot as FUCK. 🤤

It’s giving Liv and Luca tbh. But also like… i kinda want it to stand alone as your work cause it’s 🤌🏻

#b answers #blog submission

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talentforlying · 4 months

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i truly don't think i talk about constantine's generally lame qualities enough because i spend a lot of time on his occult persona or highlighting the lovely things about him that have been lost/discarded in later adaptations, so like. aside from the obvious conning, lying, stealing, and occasional backstabbing that come with the work, some everyday bad habits include:

he forgets people's birthdays far more often than he remembers them, including the birthdays of family and partners. it's going to happen. now, he does have memory problems / usually has a lot going on in life, but he's also always had a negative attitude towards his own birthday and is not likely to consider someone else's important enough to prepare for ahead of time. he'll always go out of his way to make up for it, but a half-assed last-minute gift and even more half-assed apology isn't always an enjoyable tradition when you've known him for a long time. (of course, if you've known him a long time, you might have come to expect it by now. doesn't make it nicer.)

when it comes to apologies, he does usually mean them, but it rarely comes off that way. a lot of the time, it's either a casual 'sorry' followed by breezing on as if nothing happened, or if called on that, a 'sorry' followed with something deflective/self-pitying like 'what else do you want me to say?' / 'look, i knew you'd be upset if i told you' / 'you'd have been angrier if i did x instead'. it's shitty and he knows it, and he does try to make up for it / explain his reasons when he feels like he has the time to do so. but it's shitty and he knows it and he keeps doing it anyway (and keeps doing the things he ends up needing to apologize for too), so, make your own judgments.

he'll often straight up run away from emotional conflict if he thinks someone's about to be angry at him. physically, actually, run away. this can include ghosting people for weeks, or until he finally gets up the courage to face a well-deserved bollocking. he will eventually come back to face the music, but it's hard to miss the initial fleeing.

chronically running his mouth is a given, but doing so even after you've asked / told him to shut the fuck up can also be a given. he doesn't care if it's the mother you're reconciling with, a friend you're trying to ice out without causing further drama, or your grudge-holding boss: if he perceives unfairness or a slight against someone he likes / cares about, he's likely to chat shit to people's faces about it, regardless of social rules/conventions. he's got a very strong sense of justice and very bad impulse control, and as much as he's willing to put himself on the line to defend somebody else, he doesn't always consider the potential for collateral damage to the person he's defending. (mind you, if a hard boundary is set ahead of time to keep his mouth shut in a situation, he will be careful not to cross it, but without explicit guidelines, his instinct is to fight.)

fridge pilferer. he's a surprisingly good houseguest most of the time, and usually asks before taking food from a pantry or a cupboard, but his fridge logic is 'if it's in there, it'll expire sooner or later, so i might as well do them a favor' and take it off their hands.' leftovers he leaves alone, and he won't go for vegetables if he can avoid it, but anything else (eggs, milk, cold cuts, yogurt) is considered fair game.

he's constantly reading people's mail, albeit discerningly; i.e. only if the envelope, package, or return address "looks interesting." he'll reseal anything he opens before handing it over to its rightful recipient, because he doesn't want to leave incriminating evidence behind, but sticking his nose in everyone else's business remains his specialty.

chronic over-the-shoulder phone peeker and reader of messages, he just cannot help it. who you texting, whatcha texting, you got games on your phone, etc. a little bit of it is paranoia, but the rest is straight-up inconsiderate grandpa behavior and insatiable curiosity. he's Learning to be more considerate, in this newfangled smartphone age, but he's not learning fast.

#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS.#( headcanons. ) I'M JUST LIKE THE BASTARDS I'VE HATED ALL ME LIFE.#a lot of these are like. everyday grievances people come to have with him but they Are valid things to be annoyed at him about #i'm damn serious all the times i say he's been misinterpreted / mistreated / assumed badly about for no good reason but Also #he's had a lifetime to build up bad habits around social interaction. there's always some shaping up to do #constantine spends most of his life in survival mode. he doesn't always maintain relationships with the long-term care that he ought to #he fluctuates a lot between overly cautious + anxiously considerate + socially savvy and. Emotionally Blunt Hammer #anyway have i talked enough yet. blows a kiss to my favorite annoying irritating loser man #sched.

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iturmom · 1 year

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I can't live like this. I was basically given no option but to walk 4 miles with my back pack that's like 50lbs just to get breakfast here at the shelter because of a series of oppressive rules put in place for literally no reason other than to make things as hard as possible for homeless people.

And then. I understand I am at a homeless shelter. I really don't expect much. BUT. when you serve hundreds of people moldy and rotten fruit like this fruit was not early in the decomposition phase. That is incredibly irresponsible like they're trying to kill us! I mean it too, some of these people you know may not have enough good sense not to eat it. Can't like a cup of very rotten fruit potentially be deadly??

some of the fruit/ parts were edible. The grapes appear in the pictures as if they are holding their form on their own but I assure you it's just a trap. And I swear I took another picture of the watermelon where I was holding it and you could see how it is structurally little more than goo but idk it must not have taken. I will say there was actually one big strawberry that was perfectly ripe but like. That's not a lot of nutrition. You serve desperate people food that could kill them potentially? It's so sick. it's fucking sickening.

I can't fucking live like this. I can't handle this shit with my trauma. I cannot endure the physical stress that they needlessly put me through here. It's disturbing me and it's miserable that I have to carry anything that I could potentially need on my back whatever distance I may need to walk I'm either a pack mule or I'm trapped!! WHEN THEY HAVE LOCKERS HERE FOR THIS PURPOSE BUT I CAN'T HAVE ONE. So I burden my friend with keeping my stuff in her car even though she has enough going on. but for the record she's good with boundaries and I know she wouldn't do anything she's uncomfortable with she just wants to help and I appreciate it but I don't want to be a burden. Also it's inconvenient for me too bc I don't have keys to her car. And that's a fair trade off for throwing it away but I would much prefer to be able to have full authority over my belongings how entitled of me.

I don't deserve this shit if I had not been repeatedly beaten up and robbed I would be able to afford to stay somewhere until I get my feet on the ground. I do not deserve to be punished for being a victim! This is so fucking evil and it's eating me alive that I am forced to live like this as punishment for being abused in every different category of abuse and for being disabled which was 100% caused by the systematic evils.

I am not being kicked while I am down I am being fucking run over by a bus like why do I deserve this what did I do to deserve this why are they doing this to me why am I forced to live like this against my will?

#CAN SOMEONE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHARE THIS IF YOU GUYS CARE CAN YOU PLEASE AMPLIFY MY VOICE FFS #PLEASE DON'T SILENCE ME FFS WHY DO I DESERVE TO BE DEPLATFORMED JUST BC I'M A VICTIM??#AND ON THAT NOTE WHY DO I DESERVE TO BE TORTURED FOR BEING A VICTIM DO YOU THINK I WANTED THIS???

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svnoohe4rts · 2 years

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why am i crying at your sweet note? it's like our baby is finally grown up and leaving for college. okay time to cry cry. LETS GAUR~

all Sunghoon wanted to know was if you were okay.

I WILL NEVER BE OKAY, YA HOE

He hadn’t cried in years, yet there he was; standing on a dimly lit street, tears leaving his eyes as he desperately tried wiping them away using the sleeve of his shirt.

asdfghjk i guess i feel bad ugh

Your phone turned off, refusing to accept reality - refusing to accept the fact that it had all been nothing but a lie.

ugh this hit a little too close to home. we all had our emo days and yeah, turning off our phones and not wanting to face reality is just it.

Sunghoon making you believe he actually felt something towards you or Jake not telling you about the bet in the first place.

): this ugh i hated high school boys so much because YEP! similar situation smh

Jake quickly realized you weren’t going to reply, letting out a small sigh as his gaze left your side profile only to meet his own shoes.

I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU, JAKE!!!!

With Jake’s hand intertwined in yours and the spring breeze hitting your face, your heart felt lighter than it had done an hour earlier; all thanks to Jake.

UM EXCUSE ME? YN you can have sunghoe! JAKE COME HERE DHAJHSAJ

the words of you being spotted holding hands with Jake reached him.

my entire body laughing and shaking at sunghoe!!!!!

You’re being petty.

JAY PUT A RING ON MY FINGER RIGHT NOW! Matter of fact, I'll go put a ring on his finger

‘’What the fuck, Y/N?’’

Was the only thing Sunghoon let out as soon as the door opened.

NO U WTF, SUNGHOE

What he needed was to stay right where he was, with you. He needed to stay with you before he lost his mind.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH INSERT INCOHERENT NOISES SHAKJAK SAGE YOU DID NOT FUCK MY HEART OMG MY HEART LEGIT LEAPT OUT OF MY FUCKING CHEST AND DROPPED T_T I don't want you sunghoon, GTFO

fighting the urge to slap him across the face.

let me volunteer!!!!!

"You’re fucking miserable Sunghoon, does this feed your ego? Did breaking my heart feed your fucking ego?’’ At this point, you were rambling.

okay me crying because holy shit, i wished i had done this back then BUT IT'S OKAY

He wanted to grab you, pull you into his chest, and just let you cry. He wanted to apologize, he wanted to kiss your forehead and tell you over and over how sorry he was; that breaking your heart didn’t feed his ego, that he never meant for it to be this way.

SHUT THE FUCK UP, PARK SUNGHOON T____T im in my moment, let me fucking cry, hoe

But as you covered your face using both your hands, he could no longer fight the urge to pull you into his chest.

I AM ON THE FLOOR, DO U HEAR ME?!

Leaning down, his lips met yours; his hand still caressing your cheek.

uh i just left town bye

your whole neck on display for him.

brb choking myself

‘’I hate you,’’ You mumbled between kisses, causing yet another groan to leave his lips. ‘’I know baby, I know,’’ He mumbled as he pulled away

SAGE I AM SUING YOU FOR THE PAIN IN MY HEART FML @_@

‘’I’ll fuck you hard if that’s what you want,’’ He hissed, his tip brushing against your g-spot.

i just fainted and cant get back up. I SAID SHOW ME HOW SORRY NOT FUCK ME HARD WTF

maybe, crossing paths with Park Sunghoon wasn’t so bad after all.

SAGE MAJOR WHAT THE FUCK? you dont get to run. COME BACK HERE!

first things first, holy shit, i am so emo??? and then I got all gushy and giddy because sunghoe's sorry ass came to apologize!!!! afterwards, I guess the love making made up for it -_- I STILL HATE HIM ugh once a hoe ALWAYS a hoe!!! T-T I just wanna punch him but also hug him at the same time. i cant stand his stupid pretty ugly face. this was so good, sage. SO FUCKING GOOD!!!!!!! i cannot wait for game over because huhusadhajskdjak ok bye

GENIE I’M FUCKING WHEEZING AT UR REACTION PLEASEEEEEENSNSB

first of all YES LITERALLY?? like off she goes to college </3 i’m lowkey sad it’s over like this is our baby fr

FIRST OF ALL NOT LAUGHING AT HOON CRYING IN THE DARK?!/!!/ GENIE PLSSSS i literally CACKLED when i read it bc same i wrote it while rolling my eyes bc why tf are u sad hoe. u don’t have the right to be sad.

also y/n can keep sunghoe we literally do not want him anywhere near us thankfully jake and jay r still single 💍 don’t be shy now jakey pookie come over here

THE “uh i just left town bye” AND “I SAID SHOW ME HOW SORRY NOT FUCK ME HARD” IM FUCKIFN CRYINGGGG GENIE IM ACTUALLY CRACKING UP I SWEAR TO GOD UR REACTIONS R ALWAYS THE BEST U NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME LAUGH

& to finish things off, as genie once said, ONCE A HOE ALWAYS A HOE !!!! sunghoe will never learn and he’ll probably break y/ns heart AGAIN . i just didn’t have it in me to give them a sad ending </3 she should’ve ended up with jake

THANK U SO MUCH FOR UR KIND WORDS GENIE MY LOVE <3 i’m super excited for u to read game over, now that sunghoe is gone it’s time for fratboy hoeseung…. i don’t think we’re ready for this :’) I LOVE U HOE THANK U ONCE AGAIN FOR HELPING ME OUT without u bed of lies part four would’ve never happened 🫶🫶

#bed of lies #sage ; feedback !#❤️‍🩹 genie #u literally had me giggling I CANT WITH U

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mentalisttraceur-long · 2 years

Text

Today I have felt relief for the first time in over two years from a chronic issue which caused basically daily negative sensations and strain for me.

Not exactly relief for the first time ever, but for the first time to this degree. I don't know if it will last. I don't know if it's partially a placebo thing. But the joy I feel is profound. Profound.

So. Since early 2020 I have had a nostril problem seemingly caused by a badly adminstered COVID-19 test. It seems like such a small thing. Not pain, no obvious injury, just a constant feeling like something is stuck in there, like a tiny booger glued to the nose wall just out of reach, never budging no matter how hard you blow. A slight feeling of swelling, like the nostril is a little more closed than normal. When inhaling hard enough, a feeling of the nostril partially shutting, and a constraint on the airflow that caused a whistling.

Now, I'm sure normal people with a healthy amount of trust in the medical system would just go to a doctor and ask them to look up in there. I am too damaged - my prediction trees do not really include any confident forecasts that a doctor will actually diagnose or fix anything. This is extremely biased by an unlucky set of lived experiences and stories of people who did not get good diagnoses or solutions from doctors. I also just generally never get around to going to doctors. Not because of any reason against it, but because it's a whole extra separate thing, and any time I have the drive to do things I am too focused on doing other things.

So, yes, yes, I agree, maybe if I had gone to a doctor this would've just been fixed by now. But that's a lesson for another time.

Anyway, so I've got this fucking nostril issue, and the only relief I was ever able to get was extremely temporary - contract my nostrils and do a really fast bursty exhale, blow my nose a whole bunch of times, pull up on my nose bridge to cause some lift through the skin internally in the nostrils, that kind of stuff.

After a year and a half or so it seemed like it started to get a tiny tiny bit better. I don't remember the time scales, but it did feel like there was some improvements, a very slight statistical trend. Like instead of having a constant bothersome sensation, almost no way to cause any real relief that wasn't just distraction, I started to have moments when I would notice my nostril feeling a little more normal, a little better. They wouldn't last but they would happen, until basically every day had at least a few minutes here and there when my nostril felt normal. But still. Every. fucking. day. Nagging sensations up in there.

I am not a very suicidal person. I'm philosophically open to it and I am much more able to just dispassionately philosophically entertain it as an option. But if I ever did commit suicide, this nostril shit - this kind of negative sensation, for years, close to constant, that cannot be fixed or relieved - that would be way up there in reasons why I would.

All this time, I had basically entirely held back on sticking any tools up into my nose. Because, well, what if I make it worse, you know? After all, a careless medical professional doing that a little too deeply or forcefully is exactly what got me here. Plus, I'm always careful about going deeper into my body than I ever have before - seems like an eminently reasonable safety measure.

Well, today I finally had enough, and I very very gently probed a tiny bit further into that nostril than my fingers can reach, with something like a thin flattened plastic toothpick.

And I found the spot. Just barely out of finger reach. Oh wow did I find the spot. It didn't seem like there was anything there, but if I applied just the tiniest bit of firmly holding my plastic stick there and inhaled, it kept the nostil as open as it's normally supposed to be. And then, I was able to very very gently rub this spot. The gentlest of caresses with the plastic stick along the nostril wall, it felt like it was quite possibly the spot that had been bothering me all this time. Gave it the tiniest of massages. That felt really good. Really good. Like scratching an itch in a way, not even scratching really, but anything approaching that after literal years of not being able to.

The best part though, is that it's been at least twenty minutes now, and my nostril still feels better. It's maybe reverting a little bit finally as of the last couple minutes, but if this is the tiny investment of effort and help I need to give it to feel such relief, oh that's so worth it. It's almost as if when I first reached in there and did those actions, I don't know, maybe it "reminded" my nostril's muscles or nerves what shape it was supposed to be holding, reset something, I don't know. Or maybe I finally moved something like a nose hair that was stuck pointed the wrong way in a way that blowing couldn't get out. Or maybe I rubbed off a lot of some microscopic film of some bacteria/fungus/mold? Or maybe I gave my body the sensory data it needed to confirm that the problem wasn't whatever it was reflexively trying to solve by inflaming or tightening the nostril?

All sorts of possible reasons. But now... well now it's 30 minutes later, as I've been tweaking and expanding the wording in this post here or there, and my nostril feels... still basically better than it has in years. Still unclear if it'll get worse again, but this is amazing.

Words seriously cannot describe the joy and relief of a chronically felt negative sensation finally going away. Words cannot describe how even such a tiny little thing can permeate your life and create a constant drain.

And that's just a tiny little nostril sensation. Not even pain. A tiny little reduction of airflow, not debilitating disfunction. This is but a tiny fraction of what people with chronic pain or disability experience.

I'm glad I went through this. I've had the privilege of being very healthy most of my life - it's good for us healthy fucks to get a good slap with a raw, lived reminder of what everyone else goes through. I really hope it stays better and that this is the first step towards a total fix, I really hope I never have to experience a worse version... but I'll admit I could still learn more from that constant bothersome drain on my emotions and sensory processing and coping reserves. I won't really understand just how bad it can get, just how severe of an oppressive effect throughout your whole life it can have. But now I have a tiny little glimmer of what it's like, a reference point a little bit closer to those experiences.

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thingstotellthem · 2 years

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it's not fucking normal for you to make me be your parent. i know you were neglected as a kid, and i know your dad was an abusive alcoholic. i know your mom was emotionally abusive to you, i know she was a narcissist. i know you went through hell when you were younger. but i also know that the way you treat me isn't right. it's not my fucking job to heal you from it. it's not my fucking job to wait on you hand and foot, to hold you when you cry, to be emotionally mature all the time. it's not my fucking job to choke my emotions down and be a cheerful, happy, blank slate for you to throw your complaints at as you like. it's not my fucking job to be your caretaker because we "don't have the money for your hip replacement because you want to spend it on things for me." how is that my fault? i don't have a fucking cent to my name because you don't allow me. i don't ask you for shit. so how is it fair for you to say that? what more do you want from me? i'm your trophy, your therapist, your walking stick, your maid, your chef, your extra pair of legs, your pet, your comfort doll when you feel sad or have the inclination. hell, i'm even your punching bag when you're angry or in pain, or in pain because you're angry. the only thing i'm not anymore is human, or my own person. and yet that's my fault because i "don't try hard enough". every waking moment of my time is spent caring for you. so much so that even in my head it feels forbidden to think things against you, or to want to rest when i don't have the time. but yet there is this voice in my head that wonders "what about me? when is it my turn? can't i be taken care of sometimes?"

i am so tired of being your dog. of being your trophy because you won't let me have my own accomplishments. of being your whipping post because you don't like what i decide to do with my own body. of being your greatest denial because you don't care that yourself and so many others have hurt me. of being your second chance because you failed with my sister and wonder why she won't talk to you. i'm tired. and when i get out of here, i am never coming back. i know it's wrong to wish you pain, but for all the pain you've caused me, i personally cannot wait to see how fucking pathetic you are when i don't need you anymore, and have no reason to stay with your abusive ass. because then you'll feel exactly what you say to me– "no one will ever love and accept you but me." you wonder why no one stays, and think it's because everyone else is awful. how about a look inward, you fucking sadist. you child torturer. you narcissist. you abuser. you ENABLER. you user. you LIAR.

fuck you.

#actuallyabused #actuallytraumatized #emotional abuse #physcial abuse #parental abuse #parent mention #alcohol tw #ableist language tw #anon #♥

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captainslayahoe · 16 days

Text

Regarding my last rant (read this one first to understand)

Te: Mentions of r@pe, smut, violence, and basically some political bullshit, n@zis.

Someone anonymously confronted me about it (of course this coward would use anon), along many other confrontations I got about it, and they all made me feel bad about posting the rant, but after thinking about it for a minute, I realize how dumb these motherfuckers sounded. I was gonna hold back and leave it alone but I wish the hell I would shut up so some predators can be happy and don't talk shit about me.

I'm just speaking the truth.

The majority of the anons were calling me a hypocritical "whore" for saying it was wrong to romanticize r@pe while romanticizing and fantasizing about men who commit homicide, war crimes, and god believe it, nazis. And to that I say, YES. Yes, I do. Do I fantasize about nazis? Nope. That would be straight up self hate considering I'm black and well, you know what kind of people nazis are. But the other two? Maybe I do.

You know what else romanticized war crimes? Everything. Star Wars. Lord Of The Rings. Any kind of games relating to Pubg, Call Of Duty, and based around FPS. America itself is based around war with its guns and flags being boasted around like shiny jewelry.

Heath Ledger's version of the joker blew up a fucking hospital and almost everybody likes that guy.

And you know what? It doesn't matter. Because at the end of the day, there's gonna be a context where you can justify wanting to kill someone, but not wanting to rape someone. Murder CAN be okay in the right context, rape cannot.

Murder is bad, but torture is worse. Rape victims have to live with what happened to them, either staying fearfully, fullinv healing, or being a completely different person because of the trauma. It's a psychological battle that these people have to suffer with if they can't move on.

Rape is pathetic and useless because no nut you need to bust will be that serious. It's not that hard to masturbate the feeling away. If you HAPPEN to constantly have urges like this, and genuinely get intrusive thoughts of such, you need to understand its not a kink and you need actual psychological help before it's too late. And I mean that with good will.

This is a paraphilia and it can also be caused by past trauma and mental disorders. Some people genuinely struggle with this and even feel bad to the point of suicide. Do not romanticize them or the victims.

As for the part of the rant I deleted, I basically said these NSFW authors would add their fucking cashapps and other payment methods on their accounts, and one of the anons claimed I was being hypocritical because I also add my cashapp to my fics on my wattpad.

To that I say, and? Yes, I do add my cashapp. But I don't write rape fics and expect to be paid for it. I write CONSENSUAL smut, angst, gore and just fanfiction for the fandoms I'm in.

You cannot use that against me because it's like saying selling weed and selling unwilling sex slaves are the same.

These people don't need to be funded for promoting Child p☆rn and sexual assault, they need to get a damn job and one that keeps them far away from children.

The same person even claimed I "don't care about protecting minors because my stuff isn't properly tagged."

My stuff is tagged just fine it doesn't need a fucking FBI threat. It is written just fine as smut and 18+.

Plus, I have only written three works on this account, which I am deleting and posting on my other Tumblr account dedicated to my fanfiction, whilst the rest of my works are on wattpad. I highly doubt this person went through all that to see if it was tagged right.

But thats the catch. You don't actually care about any of that. You don't care about me sexualizing war crimes or any of that because it doesn't affect you. What DID piss you off was how I called you out on your bullshit and you didn't like that.

If all of you who wrote these submissions really feel that way, stop being a coward and don't use anon, speak your truth.

#rapeawareness #rapeculture #horror movies #call of duty

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yearsofangst · 7 years

Text

What should I do when I've got nothing to do nothing to prove no motivation to move I could lose myself for maybe and hour or two it's true but then I'll just get bored dude I go back again and again to fetishizing my friends write novels and never press send I've gotta attend to myself and tend my mental health but it doesn't end what is there to do when I gotta fend for myself and I wonder how can I cry if I'm already dead inside is every teardrop a lie to try shed to try to deny wanting to finally die and someday will I fry for some stupid shit I decide to try when I'm waving goodbye to everything thing that i write how will it look when I'm splattered against the wall will poetry really have mattered at all when the poet's finally shattered the last shard of the platter holding their sanity clattered to the floor waiting no more for some dedication to chores to moderation in stores to the day that I can honestly say I'm not bored and I'll be allowed to afford even the slightest bit more than survival cuz at my core maybe that's all I'm looking for

just a reality in which I identify as me and can see myself and know how to put new shoes on my feet and be able to leave the house without being a freak without panicking the whole time that reality isn't what it seems to be and maybe even be free from dissociation, disillusionment, and anxiety and no, I mislead you, I'm not ready for death. It's not my time yet and if you're willing to bet I'll give you even odds that I'll get another decade or two left before I even have to consider that for real but I still feel what I feel and it haunts me, it taunts me, the things I cannot see, the future being the most fucking obvious mystery because there's nothing to see, nothing for which to prepare, and I'm pulling out my hair from the fear of what could be there and I'm scared and I swear, I never knew I'd be where

I am right now so please tell me how I could possibly foretell what this story's all about what's my genre and theme? What does it mean when I scream (internally, don't feel like letting anyone hear me) what kind of character will I be and become and who am I currently? These questions certainly worry me because iIcan't say with certainty if I'll be worth the currency that the government curries me so I just keep ranting trying to sell all these grand things that maybe make me seem like something more than a dream, anchor me from a whisper into something more solid.

I fill my head up with knowledge and try to be the best but no matter how hard I'm pressed I just feel tight in my chest and I can't rest and I'd like to divest myself of these delusions of inadequacy but that's a challenge for me because nobody ever really taught me how to be me or even how to be they just told me I was wrong and that I didn't belong and now that they are gone it's just my head singing that song of failure, drawing me in with its familiarity and that also scares me but really so does everything so why shouldn't it sing about how I can't do the right things or really even anything sometimes when I'm stuck in this mind and I've tried to find a way out but I'm blind to my real flaws, because, all I've got are the ones that they caused and they fed me like bread I just dip my head into this oil of self-hatred and everything that they've said

it's inside me, it rides me, it follows and derides me and hides me, whatever I'm supposed to be, from my friends and from me, and I put on so many costumes to appease the people I love dearly and those I hold close might, just, maybe see, there's something inside me, something that I can't reach. A person, in theory, but nobody near me is quite close enough to hear me, that me, whoever it may be. It's too quiet and hidden to speak effectively and it's locked away from me so maybe they see a speck of that me but really it's probably irrelevant to their needs and it won't break free on its own, it is home, in the tiny box hidden under a stone at the end of a driveway paved over with bones of past selves and the shelves covered in old wigs and masks that I'll show to anyone who asks

but the question dies on their tongues before it's done and they run because really it isn't much fun to put so much effort into just one shattered psyche, I don't doubt that they like me, but the pay's not so much and the work can be frighteningly dull, or evocative, it is the outsider's prerogative how much effort it's worth to dig through scorched and salted earth in someone else's mind only to find something tied up in binds and protected by a blind keeper hiding deeper than initial sweeps or checks would indicate, something painful and twisted and hard to vindicate, guarded by a syndicate of defensive identities that claim to be friends to me but feel more like enemies when they start to pretend that me equals them and my external friends are fooled by the errant selves I present.

#18 #august #2017

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kpop-cakepops · 3 years

Text

Soulmate: Bells (part 1) // JeonghanxFem!Reader

Ummmmm so mayhaps this ended up being WAY LONGER THAN INTENDED AND WILL HAVE A 2ND PART.

Genre: IDK how to explain it other than VERY light angst mixed with fluff.

Warnings: none

Word count: 3,573 🙊

"I'm sorry Jeonghan... I really thought this would work out. I thought that this soulmate thing wasn't going to sway me" Sowon couldn't maintain eye contact with Jeonghan as she spoke.

"What do you mean?" He asked with a trembling voice.

"Jeonghan... I found my soulmate... and as much as I fought it, everything in me gave up..." She said

Soulmates. It seemed that the older he grew the more he hated the term. Soulmates? Who in their right mind would believe that a little sound you heard on your sixteenth birthday would lead you to the person you were meant to be with for the rest of your life?

Sowon, apparently.

Despite having sworn to each other that soulmates would not make them waver, despite swearing to be together no matter what, no matter how hard and bumpy the road got... yet there she was sitting across from him, telling him she had given up on all those promises.

"Are you telling me you cheated on me?" He asked.

Sowon's eyes met the ground, but the more she refused to talk the more it dawned on Jeonghan, she had. She had cheated on him.

"Sowon-"

"I'm sorry! Please, I'm so sorry. It was the last thing I wanted to do but I couldn't stop myself... Jeonghan it's real. I heard it, the sound of glass clinking against glass. It sounds ridiculous because it's such a trivial thing to hear, but the sound made everything feel so clear, it was like my heart just knew and... Jeonghan, I love him. I don't even know him, but there's this- this part of me that I just can't control. I want to! I want to know him" she cried out. Jeonghan felt like all air had been kicked out of him. How was he meant to respond to that? He'd never experienced what Sowon was talking about, he couldn't even bring himself to imagine it... all he knew was that he didn't want to lose her. "I can't do this to you and I can't do it to him either. I'm sorry... we need to break up"

Tears pricked at Jeonghan's eyes as he watched the girl he loved the most stand from her seat and walk away from him.

That was the last time he saw her.

***

"Turns out his soulmate is a guy named Wonwoo... and he's so much prettier than me too! I seriously, cannot believe this is happening to me again... I was convinced I was his soulmate" you held your phone between your ear and your shoulder as you struggled to pull out a book from its place on the bookshelf. It had been a week since you'd tried to convince Mingyu that he was your soulmate, only for him to find his real soulmate a few days after meeting you.

"Maybe you should stop trying to force every pretty person around you to be your soulmate, Mingyu's bell wasn't even like yours, he was waiting to hear a bike bell and you didn't even hear your bell either, and NO someone yelling Taco Bell isn't a bell. Are you nuts?" Your best friend Soonyoung was on the line eating something as he yelled at you. It was a cycle he was both annoyed with and used to, but he understood. After spending most of your life alone, he understood why you were so adamant about finding your soulmate, the person that was meant to be with you for the rest of your life. The person who would rid you of the fear of dying alone and in pain like those who were never able to meet their soulmates because that's how this world worked. No matter how much you tried, sometimes meeting the one person that was meant to love you, was an impossible task.

"Okay so maybe I didn't hear the bell but I heard a bell" you insisted as you tugged harshly at the book finally managing to free it from its spot but dropping it in the process. You scurried quickly to grab it but a pair of dainty hands beat you to it and pushed the book up to you.

"Thank you" you murmured not paying any attention and walking straight past the stranger.

"You're welcome" answered Soonyoung, and it was almost like she could hear his shit-eating grin.

"Shut up, I wasn't-" you were cut off by the sound of a tinkling bell as the door to the small book store swung open, and suddenly, as if by art of magic everything around you seemed to stop. It was like one of those five gum commercials, at least that's the only thing you could compare it to. All your senses were alive and you couldn't help but feel... aware... of what, you didn't know, but you felt aware. You were reverted to your 16th birthday, sitting alone in your large dining room with no one but your nanny and the sound of a hopeful bell ringing in your mind marking you for the future. "Wait... wait Soonyoung, I heard it. That was it. I heard the bell" you said as turned around quickly to find the person that had just handed you your book.

Your best friend groaned on the other side of the line "Oh god... are you being serious right now? Are you seriously doing this again?"

"Shit... Shit shit shit, where is he? I lost him. He was right behind me-" you rushed over to the spot where you'd dropped the book but no one was there anymore. Then it hit you... the door. The door opened and closed only moments after he handed the book to you, he must have walked out. "Oh no... he left!" You dropped your book and rushed out the door, your phone still in hand as a sense of panic started to fill you.

"Soonyoung, I can't find him. It was him and I don't know what he looks like!" you were starting to freak out. How could you miss him like that? You were also confused. Wasn't the sound supposed to be automatic? As soon as the two of you met the sound was supposed to trigger... for the two of you so why wasn't he there? Were you mistaken?

"Wait, Y/N are you being serious right now?"

"Yes! Soonyoung, it was the bell, but I missed him. Oh god, NOW WHAT?!" You asked as you walked down the sidewalk, eyes roaming every single person in sight in case anything... special or magical happened, but it was to no avail. No one seemed to do anything for her.

"Y/N are you sure you're not just-"

You cut your best friend off in annoyance. "I'll call you back later, I need to find this guy" you grumbled quickly hanging up the call after. You really couldn't find him, he had been in front of you just moments before but he'd disappeared almost as he'd come. A second wave of panic passed you as you looked around helplessly. Tears were pricking at your eyes because despite being childish and immature most of the time, the feeling you got when hearing that bell was nothing like anything you'd felt before... and yet... your soulmate didn't look for you. Your soulmate should have heard the bell too, right? So where was he?

Slowly your biggest fear started materializing before you in the shape of nothingness, in the shape of loneliness. Your soulmate didn't seem to want you or at least didn't seem to care enough to come back and find you.

Except, he had found you. Your very soulmate was staring at you from the bookstore's window with a gaze of confusion, a part of him hated that your sole existence meant he couldn't choose love for himself, that because of the woman on the other side of the glass he could no longer be with the person he chose. That he was predestined to love someone he knew nothing about... yet the other half of him felt an unexplainable urge to walk up to you and hug you like he'd missed you his whole life. Of walking up to you and wiping away the tears you were earnestly trying to hide as you stared at every single person that walked by.

That's why Jeonghan found himself avoiding the bookstore like the plague after that day. He would walk by on occasion wondering if it'd be okay to walk in, but then he'd see you sitting outside the shop waiting for something to happen, and he'd turn right back around. Eventually, you stopped showing up, and although he'd never stopped to talk to you, Jeonghan subconsciously wondered where you'd gone and if you were okay.

After a month of not going, Jeonghan finally dropped by the bookstore when Joshua called him to help him with a new shipment. His friend had grown increasingly curious as to why Jeonghan had been avoiding the store when it seemed the store had been his safe haven since his heart-wrenching breakup.

"Mind telling me what you've been up to lately?" Asked Joshua when the last customer was out the door.

"Studying for exams" Jeonghan lied as he moved the stack of books to be donated into a box.

"Alone?" Asked Joshua curiously.

"Yes alone, who else would I study with?" Asked Jeonghan as he moved his floppy red hair out of his face.

"Oh... alright" Joshua answered.

Unable to hold it in, Jeonghan's best friend spoke again. "I found my soulmate," he said. Joshua knew it was a touchy topic for Jeonghan, but he was his best friend and it was important for him that Jeonghan know.

The red-haired man cleared his throat uncomfortably, he had found his too, but that was not something he necessarily felt like sharing with the world. He had tried convincing himself he was keeping it a secret to show that he was in control of his own mind and emotions, but in reality, he was scared and embarrassed. Scared that he'd be proven wrong about you, that you'd be everything he wanted and dreamed of, and embarrassed that due to his own capriciousness he was hurting you.

"Okay" was all that Jeonghan could muster at the news.

"I want you to meet her," said Joshua as he put unsold books into the same box Jeonghan had been filling.

This caused Jeonghan to pause for a moment. Joshua wanted him to meet his soulmate, "what for?"

Joshua sighed and stood up straight, his big eyes looking straight at his friend. "Because she's important to me and you are my best friend. I want you both to get to know each other."

Unable to say no to his best friend, Jeonghan nodded his head, "okay."

The lack of drive in his usually playful best friend worried Joshua and it pained him to know that if he even tried to bring the worries up, Jeonghan would simply disappear for a few more weeks again. "I invited her out for dinner, her friend will be coming too, so you don't have to worry about third-wheeling"

With a thin forced smile, Jeonghan stood and dusted his hands in front of himself. "Okay"

By the time they finished packing up the boxes, Jeonghan was ushered out of the store. He watched as his friend turned the "open" sign over and locked the door. Subconsciously, Jeonghan's eyes stopped on the silver bell hanging from the door. Memories of the way you had looked on that day, panicked and frantic as you searched the area for him. It made him wonder yet again, what you were up to and if everything was okay with you.

The wait at the restaurant wasn't long. It only took about 5 minutes for a girl to walk in with a bright smile on her face, one that was instantly matched by Joshua's the moment he lay eyes on her. "Hey" she greeted happily.

Jeonghan was too busy watching the two interact to even notice the way you'd followed Joshua's soulmate into the restaurant like a dejected little shadow. The truth was, you hadn't exactly planned on being there. You had been spending the last few weeks feeling sorry for yourself and ignoring your two best friends, for some reason you had started to get comfortable with that way of life, that is until In-na came barging into your home squealing about her soulmate... you couldn't exactly say no to her invitation, and free dinner wasn't exactly a bad idea.

And then you sat down.

You didn't notice him at first. When In-na had told you you'd be meeting her soulmate, you hadn't been thrilled, it almost felt like a slap to the face, but you knew your friend better than to believe her to be evil like that. You knew she had good intentions in mind when she told you her soulmate would be inviting his best friend so you wouldn't feel too much like a third-wheel. It was rude of you, for sure, but since the moment you sat you'd been on your phone texting Soonyoung about how much you hated being there, and trying to convince him to pick you up, but Soonyoung was ignoring you for ignoring him.

"This is my best friend, Y/N" you heard In-na introduce you and for the first time since you'd arrived, you were forced to face the two guys in front of you.

And then you wished you hadn't.

It was him. Everything in your being was SCREAMING that it was him. Every fiber in you knew that the man with hair dyed a deep red, that was sitting across from you at that very moment was him. But something was wrong with him. His big droopy eyes looked like a flashlight that had run out battery, all signs of light were gone and something in you stirred. Was it sadness? Worry? You couldn't pinpoint it.

Then there was Jeonghan, who, unbeknownst to you, saw almost a reflection of himself when he saw you. The burnt-out gaze and the bags under your eyes, except he was the cause for your sadness and then something in him stirred, but unlike you, he knew exactly what it was.

Guilt.

Jeonghan was about to excuse himself to leave but you beat him to it by painting a smile on your face, "nice to meet you guys"

You were mad. Angry. Fuming. He was pretending to not know you. He had pretended from the start because you could tell, even if you didn't want to, you could read him like a book because, despite him not wanting it, you two were entwined for life. Quite literally biologically wired to be together, because that's how society worked, that's how it had worked for centuries.

"Nice to meet you too" greeted Joshua softly, but his eyes we not set on you, just like In-Na's weren't. They were soulmates, after all, they were blind to the world around them... and it was simply disappointing how unlike them you and Jeonghan were.

Dinner was long, the energy emanating from you was directly absorbed by the man sitting across from you. He was uncomfortable, the way you were acting just didn't seem to sit well with him. From the way you picked at your food without taking a single bite, to the way you looked like you would rather be anywhere but where you sat, he felt... worried?

"Who wants ice cream?" Asked In-na and Joshua who, contrary to the 2 extras sitting beside them, were having the time of their lives. You wanted so badly to say you didn't want ice cream, to tell her to take you home, but the light blush that spread across your friend's cheeks and the almost sparkly gaze Joshua stared at her with, didn't allow you to make such a request. So instead you remained silent, and to no one's surprise so did Jeonghan.

"I know a great place, I'll go pay for the food, and then I'll drive us there," Joshua announced.

With that, he walked in direction of the front counter, leaving behind the love of his life and the two dysfunctional soulmates that refused to so much as look at each other. "Isn't he amazing? Isn't he, Y/N?" In-na gushed.

You smiled genuinely, if anything good had come out of that dinner it was the amount of joy it brought your best friend. "He's awesome, In-na. You two really are made for one another"

She clasped your hand in hers and grinned softly. "Thank you for coming. I promise we'll find your soulmate soon" she mentioned mindlessly. It was beyond frustrating to see Jeonghan lift his head from the corner of your eyes, his expression almost clueless.

"I'm going to go outside, I need to make a call real quick, yeah?"

In-na nodded, but you doubted she even heard what you said as her eyes were trained on the man paying at the front counter. With a sigh, you stepped out of your seat and took yourself out of the restaurant. The fresh air outside and the fact that you were no longer around Jeonghan seemed to decompress your lungs.

As if on autopilot, your fingers tapped at the screen of your phone calling Soonyoung.

"I don't know if you realize this, but I'm ignoring you" the man on the other end snapped as he answered the phone.

Hearing his voice made your heart twist in relief because despite being a dumb jerk sometimes, Soonyoung was your best friend. He was your comfort and that's precisely what you needed: comfort. "Soonyoung..." you hadn't noticed you were on the verge of tears until you spoke his name.

All signs of pettiness were gone from his voice as he answered, "y/n. Are you crying?"

"Listen, I get that you're upset with me, but I really, really, need you to come pick me up" you begged, forcing yourself to swallow the lump in your throat. "I promise you can go right back to ignoring me once you drop me off home"

"Where are you? I'll be there in 5 minutes."

"I'll send you the address. Just please come."

You hung up the call, hands wiping at your eyes quickly until a hand reached out before you, the same hand that had handed you a book back then, except this time it was handing you a tissue. You sniffle a bit before snatching it from him and blowing your nose obnoxiously.

Jeonghan didn't say anything as you both stood side by side waiting for Soonyoung to pick you up. He was still feeling guilty, but what exactly was he supposed to say? I'm in love with someone else? No, of course not, because the more he watched you, the more he forgot what Sowon looked and sounded like, and the more he stood in your proximity feeling all types of emotions... the more he forgot what 'loving' Sowon had ever felt like. Was he supposed to tell you that he hated you for something that was entirely out of your, his, and even Sowon's control when all he could focus on was how nice your hair smelled and how good the warmth of your body felt even when he wasn't touching you?

Exactly 5 minutes went by in loud silence until a car drove up to the curve. You pushed yourself off the wall you'd been leaning on and turned to look at your sullen soulmate, who had instinctively followed suit stepping away from the wall in alarm. You huffed in frustration as you watched him. You wanted to tell him off so badly, and yet his big eyes were now telling you he was just as confused as you about all the sudden feelings you were both feeling, you were so flustered you ended up walking away. Then you thought about it twice and turned right back around and stopped right before Jeonghan, your hand grabbing his causing his eyes to meet yours directly for the first time that night. "You, if you run away again and pretend to not know me, I will find you and... I don't know what I'll do yet, but Joshua will tell me where you are. I will make sure of it." you warned him, "bye." The bite in your words made him wince.

He wanted to answer and maybe even apologize but you didn't give him a chance to as you walked up to the car that was waiting for you across the street. A man within the car was glaring at him through squinted eyes, surely he was trying to intimidate Jeonghan, but all Soonyoung really did was make Jeonghan uncomfortable.

"Stop staring at him and drive" you grumbled bringing your friend back to reality.

At that moment both In-na and Joshua stepped out of the restaurant with bright smiles. "Where's Y/N?" asked In-na, big eyes searching the area for you.

Jeonghan didn't find it in him to answer her. The buzzing feeling in the hand you'd held was too intriguing to him.

"Can I have her address?" Jeonghan blurted.

The couple stared at him as if he'd grown a third head. "Um, why would you need that?" asked his best friend in confusion.

Because maybe having a soulmate isn't as bad as I'd thought it'd be.

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thefanficmonster · 3 years

Note

I may or may not have just sent the 3 word challenge in my real account instead of anon... I'm sorry. Please don't answer there. :)

When you post, post answering here please.

Again, much love,

📚🌻

Don't worry dear! Your identity shall remain a secret 🥰 Here's yet another fic with my Resident Evil OC: Gwen Winters (she’s an adult guys, don’t worry. However this is still an Older Man/Younger Woman relationship)

The words dear 📚🌻 Anon gave me in their previous ask were: Unruly, endurable and system. Please enjoy!

What happens in the gym....

Pairing: Chris Redfield x Female OC

Warnings: Swearing, Spoiler Free 😊

Genre: Angsty Romance

“Sure, throw me in the fire like you always do, Leon!“ Chris snaps, clenching his fists tightly as he glares at his best friend while the two stand in the dimly lit gym.

“Chris, you’re a BSAA captain, for the love of God! You should know better than to complain about something as little as this!“ Leon, while significantly calmer tone and demeanor-wise, is glaring daggers of his own.

“Why me, damn it?! And why her?!“ Chris is not done with his attempts to get out of the situation Leon’s trying to land him in and his partner’s honestly done with it.

“And why not?! You see the same potential I see, why would it be so hard to train her? She’s a quick learner, she’s disciplined when she wants to be and she’s already skilled to a certain degree. You’ve made soldiers out of total wimps before, why is she such a hassle to you?!“

“Because she’s disciplined when she wants to be and I guarantee she won’t want to when she’s around me. She’s unruly, selfish, arrogant and a Chris-phobe. I’m telling you, she hates me!“

It’s about time Leon’s had enough of this conversation. To be honest, he was done with it as soon as it started but he stayed, thinking he’d be able to change Chris’ mind but seeing as how this is a hopeless case, he’s just been wasting his time. “Does she? Or are you projecting your hate for her onto her?” Slinging his duffel bag containing his training gear over his shoulder, Leon finally makes that realization that these are ten minutes of his life he’ll never get back and storms out of the gym without another word.

Chris doesn’t attempt to stop him, in fact, he’s relieved he left. He sighs, silently hating himself for all the shit he said and how he meant none of it. It was all hard bullshit and he doesn’t know whether to be thankful or disappointed that Leon didn’t realize. Either way, he’s been cleared of possible suspicion, even if training the newest BSAA rookie still remains as his task.

Gwen Winters, she’s such a fucking handful. One cannot tell if it’s because she’s angry with the world, angry with herself or just straight up picked up on the habits of the family that took her in when she was rescued from Raccoon City where she was held as an experiment hamster. A chemistry project basically. Ethan and Mia were recovering from the events back in Louisiana at the time, still probably are, that is not some shit you get over, so they thought having another person in the house would help them. And help Gwen did. See, Gwen isn’t a handful with everyone. In fact, she’s a real sweetheart and Chris knows it too, despite his bogus claims. He knows she’s got a heart and soul of gold and is built with the will of a BSAA soldier already. All she needs is a bit better fighting skills and she’s good to go.

He sees how she acts with everyone around him. She’s been quick to make friends with Jill and his sister Claire and she’s even got Leon’s liking and trust which is hella hard to get, especially after all the shit with Ada. She’s overall a super sweet and lovely girl, even with him from time to time. He’s seen her welcoming, friendly smiles whenever he stops by the Winters’ home. He’s heard her laugh at the jokes he rarely cracks.

Then why does she act like she hates him so often? And why does he claim he hates her?

Chris is snapped back to reality by the sound of rough impact. It’s a very distinct noise, one he places immediately: the sound of fists hitting a punching bag. It’s the middle of the night, almost midnight actually, and knowing how lazy the soldiers on his team are, he can only assume it’s either his sister or Jill, given that Leon just left. However, they’ve had people sneak in to train for free before, so it’d be for the best if he went to check who was releasing some pent up energy on the poor punching bag. Judging by the intensity of the punches being thrown, sounds like the person might be angry as well.

And they have every right to be. Because they are Gwen.

Chris’ face goes a bit red at the sight of the infuriated rookie giving the punching bag her all, punishing it the way she’d want to do to her superior she just heard call her all the names she hates being referred by.

“Winters I-“

“Unruly?“ Punch “Selfish?” Punch “Arrogant?” Punch

She stills herself, sighing and wiping the droplets of sweat from her forehead with the back of her hand, “You say all that and expect me not to be a Chris-phobe?” She lets out a bitter laugh, rolling her shoulders before continuing her wrath over the piece of equipment she’s threatening to destroy. She hasn’t spared him a single look yet, something he’s rather grateful for because the last thing he wants to see is whatever her gaze is hiding right now. “I’ll talk to Leon.” She says, her voice leveled and breathy, far from the pissed off tone she was just using. This calmness is a lot scarier though. “I’ll tell him I don’t want you to be my trainer. To be perfectly clear, I never wanted you to train me in the first place. I’m just not the type to complain, you know. I’m not picky. Beggers can’t be choosers. I take what I can get. And you were all I was offered, but...” she trails off, delivering a particularly hard punch, “It’s not gonna work. I may not be picky, but I know when to draw the line. I know when I deserve better.”

“Kid, you really have no idea what the case really is here.“ He attempts desperately, taunted by the thought of acting on his instincts and approaching her even if that means being the recipient of one of those hard punches.

“You know, I’m strong. I’m skilled. I can hold my own in a fight quite nicely. I’m endurable. I’m not afraid to work my ass off and sweat and pant like a dog after workouts. There’s not a line I wouldn’t cross, but you still choose to make me feel lesser than any soldier you’ve ever come across, that’s really lovely of you, Captain Redfield.“

“Winters, please...“

“It’s ok, I won’t tell Ethan and Mia. I’m sure they’ll send you to hell over it. I’m not petty like that.“

He’s had enough. He’s had enough of hearing that hurt tone in her voice. He’s done hearing these words she’s so certain are true but aren’t. He’s done lying to her and to himself. Before he can even think twice about it, he grabs her by the arms gently but firmly, turning her to face him despite her hostile attempts to free herself from his hold like a wild animal caught in a trap. He’s surprised when she relaxes, probably seeing that as a quicker way out of the situation rather than struggling though if she tried to free herself any longer he would’ve probably let her go.

“Fucking hell, Gwen, listen to me.“ He looks her dead in the eyes, catching onto the spark of shock created by his use of her first name. But he also sees something else, something that looks dangerously a lot like tears. He knows she won’t cry, especially not in front of him, but knowing that he’s the cause behind the welling of those crystal droplets in her always shiny, always smiling eyes breaks him. When she doesn’t look away nor protest, he continues, “I can’t be your captain. I can’t be your trainer. I can’t be any of that. I’m a strictly professional man, and it’d be highly unprofessional of me to take you in as my soldier.”

“But why?“ She’s fully aware she sounds like a whiny kid - exactly how she thinks he envisions her sometimes - but she couldn’t care less. She wants and needs answers. She knows she won’t be able to fall asleep or keep coming back to the training center if she doesn’t get them.

It’s blatantly clear this is far from easy for Chris. His first instinct is to look away, let go of her, run away like he always does - not that she’d let him do such a thing but still. He’s finds the words impossible to spit out yet he oh so desperately feels the need to get them out of his system. And so, he gathers all the strength within him and finally forces himself to say it.

“Because a captain isn’t supposed to look at a soldier the way I look at you.“

Sure, it sounds cryptic as heck but he has no doubt she’ll catch on. Gwen is a smart and sharp girl, among many other things. She confirms this when barely three seconds after he’s said it, he notices her eyes widening

“Sir, I-“

“Don’t.“ He says simply, a small, regretful smile playing across his lips as his hand slides down her arm to take hold of hers, “I just admitted my dirtiest secret to you and you are still gonna remind me how unprofessional I am by using my title, Kid?“

She purses her lips, the shock momentarily replaced by her signature mild glare, “Well, you just admitted your biggest secret to me and yet you still choose to call me ‘Kid’, huh?”

He chuckles, letting his other hand repeat the movements of the first, “Sorry, force of habit.” His thumbs brush against her knuckles briefly as his head falls, his gaze fixating on where their bodies are connected, “You know, I didn’t tell you this to get myself any pity or anything. I just wanted you to understand and....wanted to get it off my chest. Ethan will kill me if he finds out, won’t he?” He suddenly asks, regaining the courage to look up at her once again.

She giggles, “Who says he’s gonna find out?”

Chris bites the inside of his cheek, shaking his head, “You’re right, there’s nothing really to find out abo-”

Gwen has never been a chatter nor can she tolerate when people beat around the bush so she’s quick to cut them off sometimes, no matter how rude that may seem or sound. However, just to clarify, her chosen method of cutting a person off isn’t always kissing them. Just saying - this is a special situation requiring special methods.

Taken aback by the sudden feeling of her lips on his, Chris’ eyes close automatically but not even a second later he responds to the kiss properly: wrapping his arms around Gwen’s waist as her hands travel up to cup his face. The kiss is short - too short if either of them is to be asked - but it’s worth all the words they didn’t say despite wanting to.

When they pull away, Gwen gives him a mischievous smile, “Now he could find out about that and then shit would go south. That’d suck, wouldn’t it Chris?“

He’s only ever heard her say his name twice, once in passing conversation with Claire and once earlier when she paraphrased his term ‘Chris-phobe’, both time spoken with some dose of dislike he now realizes was a cover-up all along. Turns out the two are a lot more alike than they initially thought. Regardless, hearing her say his name with fondness instead of bitterness makes his heart flutter, his body yearn to have her closer, his lips wanting to be in contact with hers again. But he’s a patient and self-controlled man, he’s nothing if not willpower sculpted in a human body, so he keeps his distance, waiting for her to pick the moves, waiting for her to make the decisions just like she’s his captain.

“Big time.“ He manages to say, voice coarse all of a sudden, barely able to leave his throat. “So it stays here, right?”

She giggles again, bringing her lips within an inch or two away from his, taunting him, threatening to break his self-control, “What happens in the gym stays in the gym, Redfield.”

Golden rules of discretion, ones he mustn’t break ever. Especially not when his captain - Captain Gwen Winters - holds so much power over him.

121 notes · View notes

faebriel · 3 years

Note

ok ok I'm insane and couldn't pick one so have two (no need to answer both if you don't want to)

“You talk to him.” Not kindly, but he does.

“I’m used to him,” he shoots back. “I’m the only person who is.”

That makes Niki feel something, some uncomfortable tug in her chest. She mentally kicks herself. It’s not jealousy, she reminds herself, because despite the near-cliff jumping and the long nights without food and the nuclear fallout that has punctuated her last few months, being jealous of Tommy would be the least reasonable thing she’s allowed herself to be, maybe ever.

“You don’t believe me,” Tommy says flatly. “You never - eugh.” He cuts himself off with another ragged sigh, running a hand down his face. “Look, Niki, it’s - we were all together in Pogtopia, right? But I was there first. With him. And you didn’t see the start of it, it was horrible, and I’m glad no one else saw the beginning of it either but it was still just so shit and he kept saying all these terrible things about Tubbo and Fundy and you and,” he takes a shaky breath, “then, when I died, I saw him.”

Her breath catches in her throat.

Well, the voice in the back of her head whistles. If you were still wondering about all this afterlife bullshit, if you want to know where you’re going after your third life, here you go.

and

“You didn’t even - this isn’t about L’Manberg, Wilbur!” Niki shouts.

And then he stops, breathing hard, and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say.

“What else is there?” he asks.

Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut, her chest, her shoulders, chilled down to the bone. With slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes, sitting in her throat, threatening to spill over into a sob. She swallows - to keep her cool, to stay calm, to keep it together -

And then, something in her chest just snaps.

“You said you’d come back for me!” she cries, and her voice hitches on the lump of tears at the back of her throat and god, she sounds absolutely pathetic. Wilbur’s face softens immediately, which somehow just makes her feel even worse. “In Manberg. When Schlatt put me in prison, and you and Tommy were in Pogtopia, you said you’d break me out when it was safe. I waited for weeks , Wilbur. It was… it was horrible.”

“Niki…” a kaleidoscope of emotions flicker across his face, and he seems unsure which to settle on. “We got you out though, right? After the festival.”

“You looked for the button first,” she says quietly, and he stills.

Her sniffling sounds embarrassingly loud against the quiet background of night.

thank you sm!!! i’m gonna put these under the cut because they got a little long sorry (tw for discussion of suicidal ideation)

to preface: tommy is kind of the accidental but incredibly necessary invisible support beam for niki and wilbur’s making amends in bitter. niki cannot accept wilbur’s actions and apology without first acknowledging her own actions and making steps towards an apology, because otherwise it kind of falls flat? in that ending scene niki finally gets what wilbur is feeling and wilbur finally gets that someone else knows how he feels (it’s not perfect 100% yet, but…. that’ll get explored later)

onto the actual snippet! “tommy talks to wilbur - not kindly, but he does” was very important to me! tommy has stuck by wilbur ever since pogtopia, but the tragedy is that he is not equipped to deal with wilbur’s issues, and it shows. wilbur’s first stream after revival depicts this really clearly, where tommy tails wilbur around the whole time but insults him, is still stuck on calling him the villain, physically fights him at some point, etc. on one hand this isn’t healthy but on the other hand tommy is actually around, which is more than can be said for basically any other ally wilbur has had on the dsmp, maybe excluding his dad, who literally killed him lmfao.

this whole issue is exacerbated by the fact that tommy believes that he is the only person who properly understands wilbur, the only person who gets what happened to him, and feels like wilbur is generally his burden to bear. he failed to stop wilbur from both 1. hurting other people and 2. killing himself after the pogtopia-manberg war - and he doesn’t trust wilbur not to do either of those things again, so he’s stuck hovering around wilbur while wilbur is inadvertently setting off his own trauma and feeling responsible for any way he might fuck up and hating that but not wanting to leave. tommy’s memory isn’t perfect and he isn’t a perfect narrator, what he remembers from pogtopia the most were the scariest parts and that’s understandable but it means he’s holding wilbur to the worst expectations of behaviour (and he does so very vocally). the others showed up later, sure, but in tommy’s eyes he’s the only one who saw wilbur’s descent, and by the time they showed up wilbur had already changed irreversably. tommy tries to rationalise this by splitting the ‘different wilburs’ apart from each other in his head (he does this in canon too - there’s one quote from like late 2020 where he says he and tubbo need to keep on going for who wilbur used to be, not who he became, even though they’re,, the same person), and no one challenges that perspective, so he just keeps doing it even though it’s not healthy for him or wilbur.

and then limbo happened and, oh geez, THAT didn’t help jhfaskjjfsa

tommy is on a bit of a knife edge with niki in this fic. niki’s in this state of “ok, he’s annoying whatever, i’m moving on”, but all tommy knows is that she tried to kill him that one time, disappeared off the face of the map, joined a book club with two people who definitely do not like him, and now is just acting weirdly mellow and polite. she is not someone he wants near wilbur bc what the fuck is she gonna do? what is he gonna do? who knows. he’s frustrated that niki doesn’t seem to acknowledge how he’s feeling (especially bc once upon a time she would have been someone he trusted to acknowledge them - they were friends, they fought together) and he’s taking a big step by telling someone about his concerns here, especially bc tommy doesn’t really like talking about them at all. he wouldn’t be saying absolutely anything to niki if he didn’t truly believe she should stay away from wilbur, even if he’s wrong about him. (sometimes i think i write tommy as a little too emotionally mature here but it all goes out the window when wilbur’s brought up. idk if that balances it out)

ok onto niki: this is the first she has actually heard of limbo! she’s only just come around to the fact that resurrection is possible at all. death is kind of a touchy subject for niki both in general and re: wilbur in the fic - she’s coming off of a period in her life where suicidal ideation was, uh, a big thing (whether you want to read that into canon or not is subjective, that’s just the angle i went with in this fic). the sudden existence of a life after death, miserable as it is - and whether she really believes in such a place, when it only exists in tommy and wilbur’s words - that is a lot of information for her to absorb all at once. death is a weird connection point for tommy and niki here, coming right off of the fact that they’ve just acknowledged each other having those problems - tommy, out of, yknow, altruism, would very much like to keep niki out of that place, and niki is quietly reckoning with the fact that that is where she would have sent him. the concept of limbo from the perspective of a character with no experience of it, even secondhand, is so interesting to me like what kind of eldritch location would you feel like you’re living in asghjkl

(also - i gotta be honest the jealousy angle here but mostly when she’s talking later about dream not deserving wilbur’s companionship kinda came out after this post came across my dash while writing. whoops /j)

fun fact, this is the very first snippet of bitter that i ever wrote! all the way back in may!! this is like the moment of the fic - it's where the miscommunication that niki and wilbur have been having is shattered entirely - and so sticking the landing was uhhh kinda important to me lol.

wilbur's entire being in this fic is basically consumed by L'Manberg - he equates his self worth to it entirely. in his eyes, everyone (rightfully) hates him because of what he did to L'Manberg, because L'Manberg was corrupted and he himself with it, etc. niki tries to tell herself this, and while it definitely does form part of her issues with him, it was the betrayal that causes her this much pain - that he seemingly brushed her and their friendship off entirely when he supposedly left her for dead in manberg. because here is what we as the audience know: wilbur couldn’t leave niki in trouble when he heard her life was in danger, even when he was trying to find the button (pretty much the only thing he sees himself as having left at this point) and so he returned. here is what it looks like from niki’s perspective: wilbur told her to wait in manberg until it was safe to come to pogtopia, laid the place with TNT, went to blow up the place, and only returned when he couldn’t find the detonator (and then the first thing she saw him do in pogtopia was encourage the pit behaviour but that’s not what we’re talking about asdfgh). that is massive miscommunication and it’s been brewing between them for months - to make a quirky little reference to the title, niki has been carrying that anger with her so long it's gone bitter. it was never just about l’manberg with niki - not that anger, not her and wilbur’s friendship (hence the little flashback earlier in the fic, bc niki’s relationship to anarchism and statehood or statelessness juxtaposed with her friendships with wilbur and eret - she loves l’manberg bc she loves wilbur, but she loves eret too and those national ties don’t undermine that - is Real Interesting to me) - so when wilbur asks what else there could possibly be (because in his mind, what else could she have bothered staying around for?), she just fucking breaks.

“Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut...with slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes” - prose discussion time! heat and cold are two big throughlines in this fic - particularly for niki, cold is what she is. admittedly when i started with it i mostly wanted to subvert hot = angry and cold = dead but i kinda ended up enjoying this take on it for what it is instead of just as a subversion (also i like the idea of revived people running hot, their bodies r working hard to keep em going). she’s holding onto her feelings and refusing to deal with them, she’s frozen over. descriptions of cold are key to niki’s mental state throughout the fic - cold weight on her chest, feelings of frostbite when she and wilbur hug the first time, ice cold water during the dinner scene, waking up in the cold flat, etc. this was an attempt at describing a more visceral feeling of like, when you’re really mad and you can just feel the adrenaline running through your veins. always felt more cold than hot to me. when she starts to cry, the facade she’s been putting on is finally thawing out and cracking the ice she’s buried her feelings under. (also gives an excuse to write warm comforting hugs towards the end /hj). it’s a loss, it’s catharsis, it’s a whole mess.

and ofc this is all news to wilbur and he feels terrible, because as unintentional as it was, he really really hurt her - because the destruction of l’manberg fucking sucked but above all else wilbur hurt the people he loved because they loved him so much and not in spite of it, because they cared about him so deeply and his death was a massive blow to them. this hasn’t even dawned on him, because how could it? he respects deeply niki (lowkey respects her opinion more than his own at this point) so he has to listen, because it’s niki (“and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say” - because he does), and what she says fucking floors him. in his eyes, he failed her by putting her in danger and then by destroying her home - the idea that she valued him and their friendship so much flies entirely over his head until this moment, and he is forced to re-evaluate the mindset that has motivated him since… basically since pogtopia! the way i write wilbur is like… yes, he’s one of niki’s closest friends and he’s more aware of her insecurities and issues than most (which is why he does always take the time to listen to her, etc) but he does over-idealise her a bit. tbf, i think he does to some extent with everyone (calling tubbo strong on the anniversary stream, for example). also the fact that he really wasn’t around for niki’s lowest moments as a character! he still thinks of her the way she was in l’manberg - confident, steadfast, respected - and this moment shatters that for him as he realises exactly what effect he and his death had on her and everyone else, not just by his actions, but because they loved him and cared for him so deeply.

sorry that this got horrifically long!! and thank you so much for sending snippets in <3333

#ALSO SORRY THIS TOOK TWO WEEKS. LMFAO #asks #thespoonisvictory #dvd commentary #< i have successfully coerced a discord server into doing the dvd commentary on a regular basis and it is the BEST thing

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hysteriapilled · 3 years

Text

- 𝙰 𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙳𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙾𝙽 𝙴𝚁𝙴𝙽 𝙹𝙰𝙴𝙶𝙴𝚁'𝚂 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝚃 𝙱𝙴𝙲𝙰𝚄𝚂𝙴 𝙸 𝙷𝙰𝚅𝙴 𝙽𝙾𝚃𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙴𝙻𝚂𝙴 𝚃𝙾 𝙳𝙾

Keep in mind that this might be inaccurate considering the information given is not canon, but from google. There will be no house readings since I can't even get a hold of his actual birth time so there is no rising sign (This is Eren's chart and how he would be if he were real, so don't take everything as factual)

𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐒𝐓 𝐎𝐅𝐅

Big 5 Analysis

- SUN IN ARIES. Your sun defines your ego, core identity, your authentic self and in my personal opinion it's not really an important placement in the chart, and more of a title basically. People born into Aries are usually perceived as loud, impulsive, raging and aggressive by others— but they're very caring and protective to the ones they love, though sometimes they sure can have bursts of anger. Eren is stubborn, he can't be chained down and refuses to sit back and watch the people he cares about get tossed around. He is a firm person, quick on his feet and rather very rushing, he's like a puppy excited to get his owner running laps around him, he's hyper and motivating; a natural leader. - MOON IN PISCES. Your moon is your emotional side, how you feel, how you perceive feelings and how you process them. Eren with moon in Pisces is definitely not surprising to me— He is dreamy, intuitive, compassionate and he's either too dependable on others or just an overthinker. Though he may not seem like it Eren is very vulnerable and even prone to getting addicted to substances (alcohol, drugs, bad habits etc.) It's not the best placement in my standpoint, as he can get very affected by his surroundings and others. He can't turn a blind eye and NOT take shit to heart and rather stores it inside and holds onto it. He's very empathetic, he feels people's emotions and feels them well, to the point that he himself experiences what they are going through. - MERCURY IN PISCES. Eren has a LOT of Pisces placements so prepare to see a ton of empathy and psychic abilities in his aspects. Your Mercury is how you think, speak and learn. I sense that Eren has really great vulnerability which might not be a good thing, he trusts people too much and rather relies on them for heaps of things, he can be easily manipulated which is why he should refrain from letting everyone in. On the other hand, he is a very dreamy person and gets lost in his imagination at times. He sees the world in another, imaginative lens, and often could find himself daydreaming randomly. I can see that Eren has a hard time letting go of the past and he can even be linked to people in his life he hadn't seen in years. In terms of rational thinking he isn't the best, as he can't distinguish the logical from the emotional which is definitely something he should work on, he gets often blinded by the illusion of his overwhelming emotions toward others. He can also definitely have an eye to art since his imagination is extravagantly wide.

- VENUS IN TAURUS. Your mercury is your idea of love and how you give it and prefer to receive it— Eren's idea of romance is full of sensuality and gifts, he'll spoil you with his utter loyalty and generally with things too. Devotion is daily, he's extremely honest and would rather die than lie to you. Emphasis on sensuality, Eren craves touch and I could sense that his love language is physical touch, he will shower you with affection and fulfill your needs any time of the day. Taurus in Venus are all about comfort and coziness with their lover, so I can see that Eren loves cuddling, massages, food, sleepovers, intimate little things like that strike a chord in his heart. He can be possessive and jealous of times, he hates change specifically big ones in relationships—He can also take a long time to get to know you and prefers taking things slow and steady rather than rushing into it. I can also feel that he loves hard-workers, people who are dedicated and responsible (that's definitely his type). - MARS IN CAPRICORN. Two words. Goal driven. Your Mars is your approach towards anger and impulses as well as your sexuality aspects. Eren is self-controlled and refuses to take orders from others, he can't be chained down not because he's stubborn, but simply because he can't allow himself to stop. He has a tendency to shut out the world to pursue his objective— he moves forward (not a pun) and is willing to fight against everything and everyone to reach his goal, he isn't petty as he considers little quarrels a waste of time and energy. He likes to focus on the big problem at hand, not how to fight and win the battle but how to prepare for conquering the war once and for all. Eren with this placement knows that he is entitled to earn what he works hard for and will not let anything stop him. Mars signs can also affect appearance so I sense that Eren has very prominent and broad cheekbones, a serious face, and a very stiff, steady voice like he's about to command something. It can also be an intimate, velvety and cold voice and on the topic of intimacy— He usually prefers seeing you face to face and rather dislikes social media flings. He comes with a natural inclination to assume a dominant role in bed and he does what doesn't bother him (kink-wise) His temper is so icy, and he could definitely be on the sadomasochism spectrum. He's very soft in nature so if something was bothering you he'd instantly be turned off. Eren can be aggressive and intense but he may not specifically get off on pain (or he may) more like he finds the idea of being in control a very satisfying idea.

𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐃 𝐎𝐅𝐅

2. Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune & Pluto Analysis

- JUPITER IN AQUARIUS. Your Jupiter is where you can receive the most luck and love, without you really doing much. It’s where you can catapult to happiness and success through quickest routes possible, within reason. I can tell from previous placements that Eren is a firm believer in standing for what you think is right. He is very opinionated and sometimes a bit too much— Some of his beliefs or theories can be brilliant and genius and others quite nonsensical and implausible, he rushes into throwing the first opinion just for the sake of throwing it first. Any analytical work about objective themes would come easily to him. Passion and enthusiasm will come astonishingly fast too as he can actually stun society with his innate knowledge with complicated subjects. Any scientific, technological, or perhaps just general abstract topics will benefit Eren greatly in subtle and/or unsubtle ways. He takes leaps of faith and believes what his eyes cannot see or what his mind cannot grasp. Simply what makes everything work out so well for him is the open minded love he puts into his theories. Sometimes though, he fears judgement people give to his methods as they are sometimes out of the box and peculiar. Eren would have to let go of his attachment to what other people think about his ways on solving or analyzing. - SATURN IN LIBRA. Your Saturn sign is your life’s obstacles and challenges, the rewards that come with time, and the discipline you need to achieve your goals. To start off with friendships, Eren cares about others and is tireless in serving others—he's also prone to putting others before him (others as in the people he cares about) And supporting his moon and mercury Pisces, he is very artistic and helps civilize those who need the lessons. The companionship he seeks can often give him solace and security, with his comrades support he feels a lot more powerful and in self-control. In relationships though Eren may tend to have a bit of an inferiority complex when it comes to relationships and is afraid of rejection & may try to shut himself away or run if the going gets tough. He is very drawn to mentor types, and may often be with someone older and wiser. Despite that he still finds a way to assume the dominant role in the relationship due to his cold nature. Eren commits to artful projects, making it possible to live his dreams by seeing them to completion, he finds it very gratifying and has mental discipline when he finds activities that matches his high ideals. His sense of social justice is heightened, that could get him into law, politics and activism—His firm belief in himself also plays a big role in this, his bravery allows himself to sacrifice whatever he has to, to get the job done. Chaos, crassness, and ugliness can cause him a lot of anxiety and fear, and with his persistence to right the wrong he gets really frustrated when people don't have an outlook to life the same as his. I sense that it may be hard for Eren to accept that only he is able to control himself, and it's a hard pill for him to swallow.

- URANUS IN PISCES. As I mentioned before Eren's chart is dominated with Pisces placements, his intuition works at another wavelength than that of the common people, and for this reason, he is in a much deeper connection to the spirit world. He can sense the occult and this acts as a form of guidance for him, an anchor to support his meanderings through life’s challenges. Pair that up with his splendid imagination and innovative spirit, and you get someone who’s afraid of failure even when he’s not doing anything out of the ordinary, the worst thing that could happen to Eren is failing and losing his sense of validation. He’s a negativist ( I can see Eren as a cynical person later on in life, a realist would fit his philosophical belief) but, he should let his intuition and connection to the spirit world heal this part of his, instead of allowing everything to work against him. He won’t let himself be fooled by naïve ideals, even though he likes believing in them. He can be quite realistic and logical when the situation calls for it and that's quite ironic considering he's indulged in his imagination most of the time. - NEPTUNE IN SAGITTARIUS. This is one hell of a placement. Experimentation with different beliefs, spiritual strands, and esoteric-based teachings are all things Eren finds interest in. He cannot deny the divine existence truly and indefinitely to himself- even if he does so to others, there is always the gnawing sense that ‘there is something more,’ and one day he may regret not finding out what that is. His gift is bringing the joy of shared faith and spirituality together, making the sect he resonates with part of his life’s philosophy. We can tell by now that Eren's purpose is seeking truth, absorbing information and looking at the world in a different lens. - PLUTO IN PISCES. Shawty Bae here can also can be more passive aggressive when trying to get what he wants. This means he can be manipulative at times. This is the only time he ever makes a power play. When he is struggling to achieve something for the greater good. (THIS ACTUALLY RESONATES WITH HIS PLAN) But this desire for control is never executed maliciously. He wants things to go his way so he doesn't disappoint those who are counting on him. Eren can be very sensitive, and it’s important to him that he doesn't let anyone down. He so desperately want to help people that he sometimes sacrifices his health and well being, and even somtimes the well being of others just for the outcome to turn out best.

𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐋𝐘

3. Chiron (Scar)

- CHIRON IN PISCES. Your Chiron sign in astrology shows where you sustained your deepest wound, your scar— It can never be completely healed, but they can be worked with and transmuted. Eren with Chiron in Pisces, we've already talked about many Pisces qualities in him (empathy, psychic abilities, imagination etc.) But the Chiron has a lot more depth into it, Eren might have a deep fear of being hurt by the universe or the forces at play. He might feel that the world is unfair or merciless and doesn't have his back almost every time. He has a sense of betrayal, and that leads him into cynicism (mentioned before in his Uranus placement) He felt that nobody was there for him when he needed it the most and he also feels a sense of victimization. This placement has a lot to do with the idea of FATE. Even subconsciously Eren feels he was dealt an unfair life, I can also feel that his way of coping is feeling someones grief right alongside them. Sympathyzing is definitely his way of forgetting about his own problems. Even though Eren doesn't exactly victimize himself he still can't understand why the universe is set up this way— he feels that the world isn't fair to him and his loved ones. Although all this scarring shows when he indulges himself in an immense shell of cynicism, then he hops between two places; Not feeling empathy for others since nobody offered empathy to him - or sympathyzing greatly and putting others' needs before his. It is easy for him to shut his feelings out but only with the help of substances which makes him more prone to getting addicted. This placement was created at some point in the past when Eren needed something badly and didn’t get it (sometimes the wound stems from a past life, but this stemmed from his childhood) Maybe it's because he felt insignificant to someone he felt was an idol to him, maybe this figure or idol was never there to nurture him and the probability of him having a lost close one in early childhood days is a very probable cause in how this Chiron stemmed.

BONUS:

- I get massive ISFP vibes from early Eren and INTJ from late him.

- His Venus Taurus makes him very romantic, so I feel like this would be his favorite song to dance to

#erenjaeger #eren #jaeger #snk #aot #shingekinokyojin #attackontitan #astrology chart #chart reading #sun #moon #rising #aries #pisces

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