#but I don’t understand myself a lot of the time and it’s very distressing
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#I ran out of space in my tags on my previous post#but anyway I’m just thinking out loud#but I don’t understand myself a lot of the time and it’s very distressing#and I know that in whatever degree some of that is mental health stuff and some of that is my personality and some of it is my choices#and I just want to scream and stick my head through a brick wall#I know that like. the answer is just to love God more and to trust Him more and to let Him in more#but I am cold and weak and scared and sad#and also like ??? fine. will I even mean any of this in 20 minutes who’s to say#but I needed to get it off my chest and off my desk etc.#thank you for listening
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Crooked Smile
Anon requested angst
Warnings: Mention of body image issues
The veneer craze. The ozempic epidemic. This intense and overwhelming need to have a perfect smile and be super skinny, while also having an hourglass figure and a perfectly perky yet fat ass. Thanks to the BBL. You had absolutely no problem with people getting cosmetic surgeries, your body your choice, and you weren’t going to judge anyone for wanting to make themselves feel good. But it did contribute to very unhealthy beauty standards that were becoming more impossible to follow. It really didn’t help that your boyfriend was a celebrity and every function that you went to was full of women who made you feel a little (a lot) like you didn’t belong.
After the last time at Jack’s you couldn’t stop thinking about the way you looked. Every time you walked past a mirror you stopped to look at yourself for a minute. Maybe you could lose a few pounds and have less midnight snacks. Maybe some Invisalign wouldn’t hurt, you knew it would but with the way you were feeling about yourself right now, you’d take the tooth pain over this crippling bout of insecurity and self doubt. You probably hadn’t analyzed yourself this much since you were in high school. This feeling wouldn’t last forever, you knew that, but sometimes you just gotta throw yourself a pity party and recharge your batteries. You were supposed to have a date night with Jack but you lied and told him you were sick and that you’d see him another time.
You knew immediately who was knocking on your door and interrupting your This Is Us rewatch, using it to distract from your own turmoil. Like fighting fire with…more fire. Using your sleeve to wipe your eyes, you sniffled and paused the devastating show to let Jack in.
“Baby, what’s wrong? I knew I should’ve come over earlier.” He immediately placed a hand on your forehead, looking you over for any other signs of distress. “You don’t feel warm. Does your stomach hurt?”
“No Jack, I’m fine.” You took his hand off of you and wrapped your arms around yourself. “Just not really feeling like myself and going out tonight just didn’t seem like the best idea.”
Jack nods, understanding the feeling. Sometimes he didn’t feel like going out either and he wasn’t about to force you to do anything, especially not with the way your shoulders were slumped and the fact that the usual light in your eyes wasn’t there. “Well, would it be okay if I sit and watch your show with you? Haven’t seen much of you lately and to be real, I miss you a little.”
The last part made you crack a smile, a genuine one. “Fine. But don’t ask me a million questions or I’m just gonna turn it off.”
“No promises.” He laughs, plopping himself down in the middle of the couch. You originally parked your body next to him but when his hands wrapped themselves around your stomach, it made you feel weird and overly exposed. Excusing yourself to go to the bathroom, you tried to mentally snap out of it, slightly embarrassed that Jack’s friends’ comments were affecting you the way they were. You walked back to the couch, settling down on one end of it, creating some space between you and your boyfriend.
“What the hell? Why are you so far away?”
“I just want my own space for a little bit, we don’t need to be up under each other every second of the day.” You didn’t even trust your own words, opting to keep it in a hushed tone.
And he called your bluff immediately, grabbing the remote to pause the show. “Look I didn’t come here to press you or anything I just—is there something going on with us? I mean you’ve barely answered my texts, you canceled our plans today and now you can’t even stand to be near me. What’s going on?”
Now you felt guilty, on top of everything else. “It’s not you Jack,” you sigh, scooting over to grab his hand in reassurance. “I really didn’t wanna do this because I don’t want this to become a thing but—something happened at your party the other night.” You feel him tense up, a slight crack in his jaw from how hard he had just gritted his teeth. “I was walking back into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water and I heard Cope and Nemo talking about me. They were basically talking about how you could do so much better and how my looks aren’t up to par and it was just really shitty. And I know they’ve been at your place all week hanging out so I really just haven’t been in the headspace to be around them.”
He narrows his eyes at you and pulls his hand away. “Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?”
“Because I didn’t want to cause a scene at your party, it wasn’t the time.”
“So you thought that ignoring me and isolating yourself, going on this emotional downward spiral would just what? Make it all better?”
You were taken aback by his reaction but you genuinely didn't have the energy to do this today. “Jack, my reaction or the way that I’m handling it isn’t the point. The point is that your friends were being assholes and you’re more concerned with me than with what they said about me. Why is that?”
“Because you know how they are! They get a little drunk or a little high, sometimes both and they just start spewing random shit. You can’t take them serious. And maybe you got things out of context. Did you hear the entire conversation?”
He had to be joking…right?
Taking a deep breath, you tried to compose yourself before losing your mind. All you wanted today was a nice, relaxing time to find your inner peace but instead here you were. “Let me be clear, I don’t care if I walked in at the very last second of their stupid little conversation. I heard some hurtful things and I heard my name attached to them. That should be enough.”
Jack lets out a humorless laugh, shaking his head,“you’re just being sensitive right now, maybe your period is coming or something cause this really isn’t that deep. Like I said before, you know how they get, I’m sure it was just jokes.”
“Yeah everything may be a fucking joke to you, including my feelings.” You moved away from him, “but I don’t find any of this funny. Which is why I told you I needed some space. And you won’t even respect that.” Your voice cracks, feeling the tears stinging your eyes even though you thought you’d done enough crying today. “You think don’t I see the comments? Or hear the shit people say about me? That I’m not pretty enough or smart enough or that you could easily do so much better. I get that from complete strangers all the time. But to hear your friends say it? Your people? That hurts Jack.”
“I just really don’t think this is that big of a deal.” He tries to reason and diffuse the situation. “They probably don’t even mean any of that shit, you can’t take it to heart.”
The walls that you had built from your failed relationships in the past had been torn down by Jack, brick by brick. You felt safe with him, cared about and cared for. And in this moment, he was public enemy number one.“Do you think I’m the fucking ‘boy who cried wolf?’ I’ve NEVER said anything to you about this before and it isn’t the first time it’s happened but I didn’t want to make it a big deal. And here you are defending them, you’re supposed to be on my side?” You didn’t even notice you were yelling.
“Oh my god I am on your side!” He raises his voice, “I just think this is all one big misunderstanding and you shouldn’t get so worked up about it.”
“Oh my god you—you know what I’m not even gonna do this anymore. You win.” You stand up from your seat, not breaking eye contact with him. “Respectfully, I think you should get the fuck out. I really need to take care of myself right now and you’re not making it any better so you should probably just go.”
He remains stationary on your couch, still staring at you.
“Jack, are you losing your hearing or something? I said you need to leave. Now please.”
He stands up, walking towards you to try to pull you into his arms, “babe—”
You back away. “No. Don’t do that. Don’t try to cutesy pet name your way out of this. I told you that something happened and it hurt me and you refuse to listen so you can go. I’m done talking about it.”
The man finally takes your words seriously, grabbing his stuff and walking to the door. He closes it without another word, leaving you to think about how the hell you even got there. There isn’t even enough sadness in your body anymore to cry, you’re shaking with rage at the fact that your boyfriend chose to defend his boys over caring about your feelings. It was simple, he didn’t care about you and they definitely didn’t, so what was the point? It was time to move on.
Two days later, he was being completely ignored by you. He’d spent some time licking his wounds and was really starting to regret the way he reacted. His first instinct had always been to defend his people, his boys especially. They had been with him since he was working at Chick-fil-A and didn’t have anything remotely valuable to his name and they had never switched up on him, so why should he? And maybe that had been a part of the problem. He never told them “no” or that he didn’t like something because…that just wasn’t the relationship. They were grown men and Jack wasn’t about to tell another grown man how to act. But in this case, he probably should have listened to you and at least talked to Cope and Nemo about what they said, secretly hoping that it wasn’t as bad as you made it seem.
“Bro, I gotta talk to y’all about something. And I’m being forreal.”
Nemo sat next to him on the couch and Cope was across from him. “What’s up? You look like somebody kidnapped your dog.” Cope jokes and Nemo laughs a little, but Jack just clears his throat.
“Okay so…I need to ask y’all about the party last weekend. Y/n heard you talking about her and she was super pissed and we got into this big ass argument about it. So…what exactly was said?”
“Oh shit,” Nemo looks down at the ground. “Look bro we didn’t mean for her to hear all that—”
“But it was all facts.” Cope finishes for him. “All we said was that she’s kind of a bum and you can and should do a lot better than her. I mean the girls that we bring around and that’s who you picked? I don’t wanna judge but—”
Jack holds a hand up to stop him from continuing. “Imma be real, I don’t really give a fuck what y’all think. That’s my girl bro, like my fucking girlfriend who heard you talking shit about her and it made her feel bad. And I defended you because I thought that my best friends would be supportive and I don’t know…not shitty to someone I love? Guess that’s my bad for assuming.”
“I’m sorry, it definitely wasn’t our place to comment on your relationship. You know when that liq starts to hit—”
“Guess you didn’t fucking hear me. I said I defended your dumbasses. I basically chose y’all over her and now you’re sitting here like this shit is sweet?”
Cope tries to open his mouth but Jack cuts him off again, “Not even gonna lie I need you both outta my sight for the next couple days. I can’t believe this. And Cope, you really shouldn’t be commenting about anybody’s appearance when you permanently look like the Avatar. Think about when you’re 50 and how that’s gonna look.”
He knew he was lashing out but he couldn’t believe how wrong he was and how hard he had belittled your feelings. You two always talked about the unreal expectations for people, especially women and now he had contributed to the problem in the largest way. There was no concrete plan to remedy the situation but he damn sure had to try.
When you didn’t answer after the first four times he knocked, he thought about breaking the door down but that was a TMZ story waiting to happen. He just kept knocking and knocking until you opened the door.
“Can I help you?”
He didn’t realize how nervous he was until you were standing in front of him. “I’m so sorry. I know that won’t, that it’s not enough—I fucked up. I should’ve listened to you and I didn’t. Instead I got super defensive and didn’t want to acknowledge that my friends were being shitty and—”
“I forgive you.” You interrupt, facial expression remaining stead. “I’m over it.”
“You—you’re…over it?”
“Yeah,” you shrug. “I had some really hard mental health days and it sucked but I realized that I like who I am. I love who I am, actually. Crooked smile, stretch marks, love handles…whatever. It’s me and I don’t want that to change, for anyone.”
Jack smiles, letting out a sigh of relief. “Good because I was about to give you this big speech about how you’re perfect to me and for me and not to let anyone make you think any different. But it looks like you came to that conclusion on your own.”
You nod, a smirk forming on your lips. “Did you need anything else?”
“N—no. I uh…I wanted to just see if we were okay? Things got pretty heated the other night and I feel horrible for not taking your side. I’m so fucking sorry.”
You can’t contain the burst of laughter that comes out. “Sorry this isn’t funny, it's just…Jack I needed you. I needed you to believe me, to trust me, to defend me, to comfort me. Shit something—anything. But you tried to gaslight me into thinking I was dramatic when I know what I heard. And then you defended your idiot ass friends tooth and nail to the point where we were screaming at each other. I got myself out of this, I remembered who the fuck I am on my own. I remembered how beautiful and smart and worthy I am. On my own. So what the hell do I need you for? Let me answer that for you, I don’t. I don’t need you. I don’t need this. The belittling, the shit talking, the toxicity. I don’t need any of it..”
Looking him up and down, seeing the tears swimming in his eyes, a very different scene from days ago, and you shake your head. “You and I? Baby, we’re done. Have fun with the boys, you all deserve each other.”
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Of Apples and Moss Beds (M) ~Felix [ft. Hyunjin]
Pairing: Werewolf!Felix x Werewolf!AFAB.Reader x Werewolf!Hyunjin
Themes: Supernatural/Fantasy AU | Smut | Angst | Fluff | Strangers to Lovers | Soulmate AU?
Word Count: ~15k | AO3
Synopsis: Felix’s crude reality made it so he hardly dwelled on the fact that he was alone. He never would’ve imagined he’d find a loving family of his own, or that he would be capable of imprinting and finding a soulmate, let alone two. [This story is an instalment of my WereRoomies series. you don’t need to read the other instalments to understand this piece].
Warnings (SO MANY): Felix’s POV · few descriptives of the reader such as: has big naturals, is older than Felix, is nonbinary/doesn’t care about gender (use of they/she pronouns, even in the same sentence) · mentions of child abuse · LGBTQ+ themes · it takes a WHILE for the reader to make an appearance oops there’s just a lot of backstory and exposition, y’all know i can’t shut the fuck up · pet names (baby, prince, darling, dear, pup, etc, so many pet names, god…) · polyamory · member x member action (suggestive mostly, and explicit with reader included) · nothing about this piece is straight just like any Felix-centric piece should be honestly/j · graphic depictions of intercourse (smut warnings under the cut).
Due to all the abovementioned warnings, this story is intended for an adult audience only. Minors please do not interact.
Author’s Note: so… i woke up one day and this just… happened. most of it came out of me way too fast, and honestly i’m sure i was either possessed, maniac, or in a very intense moment of hyperfocus. anyway, this piece is a bit different than what i usually do. i really wanted to challenge myself to write a poly relationship into my werewolf au and hyunlix just made sense to me. it was my first time writing such a dynamic–let alone a threesome–with this much detail, so i hope i did okay. regardless, i really like the direction this took, i’m really happy with it, and i hope the amount of member x member stuff doesn’t prevent anyway from enjoying this. as usual, don’t hesitate to let me know what you think💜 [special thanks to my one and only, my soulmate, and best friend for reading this before anyone else and providing her much valued insight]
Smut Warnings: a foot goes on someone’s private parts (MxM) but it’s mild/just teasing and super short and probably mostly harmless to the point where i’m not even sure it counts as a smut warning but i prefer to be safe than sorry · reader is a dom · oral (F&M.Rec) · breast/nipple play (F&M.Rec) · protected penetration [piv] · threesome · degradation (M.Rec. bitch, slut, etc are used) · face slapping (M.Rec) · some praising · snowballing.
Disclaimer: the story represented in this work does not represent Stray Kids in any way; anything described in this story and all actions performed by the characters are purely fictional, this was created just for good fun.
Felix had never been much of a believer when it came to imprinting and soulmates. He was never much of a believer of anything, to be honest. There was no time to fill his head with the improbable when he had to spend all his energy trying to survive.
When he was very young, Felix was kicked out of his childhood pack. To this day, he still believed it had all been completely unfair, leaving a pup werewolf completely alone in the world to deal with all that distress. They claimed it was all for the best, that he was throwing off the ecosystem they had built in the pack, that he was being disrespectful.
What did he do? He simply denied their alpha’s advances. Felix wouldn’t know exactly just how fucked up his childhood pack was until he eventually met other wolves, but even at the time his pack’s alpha’s claims that all betas and omegas were his to ‘use’ –yes, he would use exactly the word ‘use’–just sounded wrong to Felix. The man would always say that anyone that denied him would suffer the consequences.
Felix was a pup, a child, and even if he didn’t know how fucked up it all was at the time, he just didn’t want to do it. So he fought back, he denied every single one of his alpha’s advances as swiftly and discreetly as he could, always worming his way out of it.
Eventually, though, the man found out. He realised Felix was defying his authority, and the moment he realised that, he held his power over Felix’s head. ‘If you won’t submit then you’ll have to leave and become a packless bastard’.
The man was smug when he said it, Felix could still remember it as if it happened yesterday. How he was scared out of his mind, fighting every single instinct telling him to submit, but he stood his ground, uncaring of the consequences of his actions. ‘I won’t submit to you. Not now, not ever’.
So his alpha delivered. Him and his goons kicked him out–not before giving him the beating of his life, of course. But the worst part was that Felix’s parents didn’t do anything to stop it. No one did. This man had ingrained his toxic, abusive dynamic of submission into his pack so heavily no one dared say a word.
So Felix was left alone in the world when he was barely even a teen.
The first few weeks were tough. Oftentimes, he would shift into his wolf form and forage whatever he could to sustain himself; he spent so much time as a wolf that he’d sometimes forget he had a human side to him, too. Those moments wouldn’t last long, only a couple of seconds, but it always left him incredibly shaken when he could feel his humanity slipping between his fingers.
After months of roaming and wandering on his own, Felix started to realise why wolves lived in packs. He thought it was all bullshit before, but being a lone wolf without a pack left one in a weird and fragile state of mind. It left one paranoid, volatile, mad, and although he wasn’t quite sure how the mysticism of it worked, he realised he wasn’t quite right in the head at the time.
And then he met Hyunjin.
Felix truly never believed in imprinting and soulmates, but if such a thing existed, he was sure Hyunjin was his, or at least, that was how it felt at the time.
It happened in the forest. He had just turned fifteen, he’d spent years out there on his own by this point, and as Felix laid next to a stream, devouring the remnants of his hunt, he felt a presence.
Oddly enough, he hadn’t encountered another wolf this close in years, and the sudden appearance of one made him snarl, made his fur puff up, made him want to appear imposing and commanding as if he wasn’t a measly beta teen-wolf with no pack of his own.
The wolf did recoil a bit, but it didn’t leave, it just looked at Felix with a curious glint in its eyes. And after a few moments of no movement, when Felix’s instinct to fight subsided a bit, his mind cleared slightly.
A quick sniff and he knew immediately. Another werewolf, and an omega at that. And maybe it was that last fact that made Felix relax just the smallest bit; if it came to it, he was sure he could take that omega in a fight and win.
The other werewolf approached him, tentatively, slowly, and for some reason, Felix didn’t move. It wasn’t that he felt scared or intimidated by them, he just… Didn’t feel threatened. So he let them come close. Not too close, though.
They sniffed him, and Felix did the same, getting hit by their scent, a strange mix of apples and pears. It was… Nice. But then the werewolf was getting way too close for his comfort, so Felix growled at them, scaring them into running away.
As soon as they were gone, he wished he hadn’t growled at all. He should’ve snarled or attempted to nip, not full on growl the way he did. Regardless, the werewolf was gone, and Felix was left once again on his own.
At least for a while.
Felix remained in that forest, foolishly hoping to see that wolf again. And it was a few days later, as he laid next to the same stream, at the exact same place he had been before, that he heard the rustle of leaves. This time, though, it wasn’t a wolf that came from between the trees, it was a boy. A lanky boy, probably around his age, seemingly normal, if not for the fact that he smelt like apples and pears.
It was honestly almost pathetic how Felix’s tail started to wag as soon as he saw the boy. If the other asked, he’d blame it on how long he had spent all alone out here.
“Hey…” The boy approached him, slowly, with his hands in the air as if to show Felix that he meant no harm, and somehow, Felix believed it. “I’m Hyunjin. I saw you the other day…”
Felix just looked at him for a moment. When was the last time a person had spoken to him out of their own will? He’d spoken with street vendors and kiosk owners and gym attendants, but that was all transactional. This boy, this Hyunjin, was talking to him, directly, and it made him feel oddly giddy.
So Felix shifted back into his human form. How many days had it been since he stood on his legs? Too many, probably. If the aches he felt were anything to go by.
“I’m… Felix”, his voice cracked a bit. It had been doing that a lot these days. His voice seemed to be constantly dancing between a high and a low pitch, and he simply blamed it on puberty.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I was hoping I’d find you here again”, Hyunjin regarded him with a small smile, and he’d lie if he said it didn’t make his heart skip a beat. “Do you… Need any help?”
“I’m fine”, was he? Was he fine? Felix was used to his way of life, but did that mean he was fine? That was something he didn’t want to discuss with a stranger, though, so he settled for fine.
“You don’t look fine”, Hyunjin looked him up and down, and it made Felix scoff in return.
Sitting cross-legged on the grass, bare as he was, Felix stared at Hyunjin, mustering his most confident tone. “Maybe you should get your eyes checked, then”.
It was Hyunjin’s turn to scoff now. Nevertheless, he walked closer. Felix tensed a bit, not used to having people so close to him, but he let Hyunjin sit on the grass in front of him, keeping his fair distance.
“Your scent smells, like, super distressed. You know that, right?”
Felix felt himself flush at his words. No, he didn’t know that. He was super confident he was one hundred percent fine… Wasn’t he?
“Anyway, this might be a bit forward, and weird, but I got worried the other day when I saw you here. I’d never seen a lone wolf, much less one so young… Before I knew it, I was in this forest again looking for you”.
“How’d you know I was a lone wolf?” Felix asked him, slightly incredulous.
Hyunjin shrugged, and he offered Felix a small smile. “You don’t have any trace of anyone else’s scent. Usually there’s a bit there from friends, family…”
Very quickly, Felix realised Hyunjin was… Nice. He had a way of talking that might’ve passed as rude to some people, and sometimes he was rude, especially because of the tone in his voice, but who wasn’t a bit rude these days?
Felix didn’t speak much that day, he simply listened to whatever Hyunjin had to say. He did have a pack, one he wasn’t particularly fond of. ‘Nothing too crazy, they just don’t like people like me’, he’d told Felix. He wasn’t entirely sure what Hyunjin meant by that, and he was too self-conscious that day to ask, so he filed it for later, either for when he found the courage to ask directly or for when Hyunjin had given him enough context clues for him to understand.
Hyunjin liked to draw, to paint, he was the pure embodiment of an artist, and the more he and Felix met in this spot in the forest, the more Felix got to see that side of him.
They met often, at least thrice a week. Hyunjin would always bring Felix food or clothes or puzzles to keep himself entertained. He eventually started to come with his art supplies, sitting in silence with Felix as he drew or painted something that he’d never let Felix see because he was too embarrassed. ‘It’s not good. I’ll show you when they’re good’.
Felix was sure whatever he did was amazing, but he didn’t push his friend. Because that was what Hyunjin had turned into after a couple of months meeting in the forest. A friend. It helped Felix feel like he belonged somewhere again. Even if it was just as a background character in Hyunjin’s life, he could feel his humanity slowly, but surely, coming back to him.
“Ugh, exams are the worst. I just don’t understand chemistry. What even is a mole anyway?” Hyunjin had been rambling about school a lot today, and Felix simply listened to him, lending him his ears to vent into.
“Wait, now that I think about it…” Hyunjin said after a while, looking away from his sketchbook. “What school are you going to?”
“I’m not going to school”, Felix kept his eyes focused on the Rubik’s cube in his hand, trying to figure out how to build one face of the cube without messing up the other.
“What?”
“I haven’t gone to school in years”, Felix shrugged. “I used to shift and sneak into this public school close to the town hall a few years back, so I did learn a bunch, but I couldn’t do it anymore after I started growing and my wolf form just wouldn’t pass as a dog anymore”.
Felix had told Hyunjin of his past, of everything that happened to him in his childhood pack. He could still remember the horrified look on his face as he told him. And honestly, Felix couldn’t blame him for being shocked and horrified by his story. The more he grew up, the more Felix understood the high levels of fucked up that pack’s structure had.
“Why don’t you go as a human?”
Felix scoffed at that, starting to get frustrated with the cube in his hand. “I tried. They require all that legal guardian shit. As you can imagine, my unfortunate lack of parents complicates that a bit”.
Hyunjin went quiet for a while, letting Felix fumble with the puzzle. Eventually, Felix heard the characteristic sound of pencil on paper, so he figured Hyunjin had gone back to sketching, with no intent on continuing the subject. That was, until…
“Want me to ask my parents?”
The Rubik’s cube fell on Felix’s lap.
“…What?”
“My parents”, Hyunjin repeated. “They can pose as your legal guardians. It wouldn’t be the first time a werewolf forges documents”, he added with a snort. Almost every single document a werewolf provided to human authorities was forged these days, so it wasn’t a particularly shocking statement.
However, what did shock Felix was Hyunjin’s proposal… Going back to school. Socialising with humans again after so long… Was he prepared for that? He wanted to learn, to pretend he had a normal life, maybe even… Make more friends? He’d never allowed himself to think about that too much, about going back to participate in the world outside of his little bubble in this forest.
“Would they even agree?” Felix’s voice was barely a whisper. He picked the cube back up from his lap and started to twist the faces again, trying to distract himself. “I don’t want them to… Know”.
Felix didn’t say it, but he was sure Hyunjin would understand. I don’t want them to know I’m a lone wolf. A packless failure.
“I’ll think of something”, Hyunjin mumbled, and if there was someone Felix trusted in this world to charm anyone into doing something, it was Hyunjin.
So that was how Felix managed to integrate into human society again. They both did some research, on public schools he could go to that’d take in someone so far behind, on possible scholarships he could apply to, on places to find school supplies… And as soon as they had all the necessary documentation, it was up to Hyunjin to get his parents to sign them.
It was hard to get used to at first. Felix got overwhelmed by the noise and the amount of people at school often, but he managed. In a couple of months he had gone from being a nobody, a lone wolf secluded to the woods, to being just some guy again, and only then did he realise how good it felt. To be seen, to be taken into account… And it was all thanks to Hyunjin.
During the day, Felix would go to school. In the afternoon, he started to volunteer at a soup kitchen in the area, helping feed those in need. The lovely lady that ran the place seemed to really like him, and she always appreciated the extra hands. ‘You’re so strong! Youth really does wonders for you, doesn’t it?’ She’d say often, and Felix simply chuckled in response, not really wanting to reveal that his strength had nothing to do with youth and all to do with his supernatural condition.
In return for his help she’d feed him, and eventually, Felix asked her to teach him how to cook. He found the act of cooking to come natural to him, he wasn’t sure if it had to do with his enhanced senses, but people would often compliment him on his food, and it made him feel proud. A feeling he hadn’t associated with himself in a long, long time–not to say never ever.
Felix still slept in the forest every night. He’d shift and curl into a fluffy ball of fur to keep himself warm. Hyunjin often offered him his home, or at least, his room, but Felix always declined. He didn’t want to be an inconvenience, and he was sure that Hyunjin’s parents wouldn’t appreciate him being there at all.
Felix only met the couple a few times, but that was more than enough for him to know that, even if he was grateful for their help, he simply didn’t like them. Just like Hyunjin didn’t, either. They were… Conservative. Because that was a thing, conservative werewolves.
‘They can’t accept the fact that I’m a male omega. Sometimes, I’m pretty sure they pretend like I’m not. That I’m a beta or something. And let’s not even talk about the fact that I like boys, too. They don’t know, know, but I’m sure they have noticed… They love to ignore that, too’, Hyunjin confessed to Felix after the first time he met them, after he couldn’t conceal the fact that he just hadn’t felt comfortable with the exchange, and Hyunjin’s words simply confirmed that first impression Felix had had of them.
Males were supposed to be alphas or betas, females were supposed to be betas or omegas, and other genders simply didn’t exist for them. Textbook homophobes, to put it simply. In this day and age…
Felix knew, of course. Hyunjin didn’t hide his sexuality not even once since they met, and Felix was always grateful for that, because it helped him come to terms with his own. People were people, love was love, and no gender or designation would get in the way of that, that was their philosophy. Call it being bi, or pan, or fluid, or however you want. All Felix knew was that once he left the lone wolf in the forest, he was just full of love, ready to share it with the world, with whoever was consensually willing to receive it.
By the time Felix had turned eighteen, the line of his friendship with Hyunjin had blurred so much he wasn’t sure he could call him a friend anymore.
What he had with Hyunjin was much, much more than just friendship. Felix would often find himself holding his hand, or hugging him, or simply touching him, all without really thinking much about it.
Hyunjin did it, too. And although neither said anything, they both knew.
Eventually, their lingering touches started to turn much less platonic, less innocent. They turned into heated makeout sessions, into groping and desperately rutting and grunting against each other, into Hyunjin asking Felix to help him out during his heats as well… It felt natural, just like breathing, to be with one another. They were friends and lovers and soulmates and everything in between, and it was right how it was supposed to be.
Especially because, just like Felix, Hyunjin also believed that love was to be shared, to be enjoyed, so their open arrangement was perfectly designed for them. Felix wasn’t a jealous man, on the contrary, he was happy whenever Hyunjin was, so as long as they kept things clear and consensual and safe nothing else mattered.
At the end of the day, they’d always have each other, and possibly someone else–or simply other people, plural–to share their love with. Although, they’d usually do these things separately, considering Hyunjin’s tastes sometimes were what Felix could simply describe as questionable at best… He had fallen for Felix, after all.
Felix found himself a job in a local café. His very first real job. That was the place that finally gave him a second chance at finding a family, that was where he met Chris.
Chris worked at the café as a partimer, seeking some extra income to pay for his studies while he searched for a job in his field. Felix knew Chris was a werewolf as soon as he saw him, even before he got close enough to get a whiff of his scent.
The man just exuded alpha energy, and the moment he spotted Felix for the first time his eyes went wide with surprise, but he still gave him the widest smile right after, a genuine smile that made his eyes disappear into crescents and dimples to appear on his cheeks. Honestly, Felix wasn’t much of trusting alphas at first glance due to his past trauma, but Chris’ entire demeanour was way too welcoming for him to not trust him almost immediately.
They got acquainted pretty fast, maybe too fast. It was just too easy to fall into Chris’ antics, he was goofy and funny and kind and a bit fucked up in the head, but he was a good guy all in all.
A few months of knowing Chris were enough for Felix to learn he led his own pack. He’d seen a couple of his pack members drop by the café, and they all seemed to be just as nice as Chris, which honestly didn’t surprise him. ‘It’s small, only four of us so far, but it’s great, honestly. Don’t think I’ve ever been happier than I am right now with them’, Chris had told Felix once, and he sounded truly proud of it.
“What about your pack?” Chris asked one day while he cleaned the coffee machine. Closing time was nearing, and there were hardly any customers still within the place, so these were usually the times when they spoke anything related to their lycanthropy. “You never talk about them”.
“That’s because I don’t have one”, Felix replied simply, rearranging the display shelf for what seemed like the tenth time that day.
“You don’t have one?!”
Felix shrugged. “I have Hyunjin”.
“Oh, but that’s something. Well, someone…”
Felix had told Chris about Hyunjin, not in detail, but he knew. It was impossible not to know when his scent was always lingering on Felix’s clothes.
“Yeah, but he’s in a pack of his own”, Hyunjin hadn’t found the courage to defect yet, and Felix honestly couldn’t blame him. He’d been trapped in this vicious circle of guilt with his parents that made it really difficult for him to detach himself from them, even when staying with them only made him hurt and get more frustrated as time passed.
Chris’ brows furrowed, clearly confused. “So… If he’s in a pack, but you have no pack… Where are you staying?”
“Oh, I sleep in the woods”.
“You do what?!” Chris’ question came out a bit louder than he had intended for sure, a couple of customers looked back at him with clear confusion on their faces, and Chris simply offered them a strained smile and an apologetic bow.
“I’ve been sleeping in the forest since I was a pup… I shift, find a decent moss bed, curl up in a nice little ball, and fall off to sleep”, Felix offered with a smile on his face. Over the years, he had honestly started to enjoy it. Of course it wasn’t ideal, of course he would’ve preferred to have a warm bed and a roof over his head, but he’d gotten so used to it, it kind of made him feel like he was balancing his human-ness and his wolf-ness pretty well.
Chris’ face went completely serious, with his hand still holding a rag around the steam wand of the coffee machine, completely motionless. After a few moments of shared silence, he spoke again. “Wanna join my pack?”
Felix choked on his spit, Chris’ proposition catching him completely off-guard. “…What?!”
“Wanna. Join. My. Pack”, Chris repeated, slowly stressing each word.
“I heard you, okay. Jeez… I’m… Not sure I’m suited for the pack life”, Felix looked away from Chris then, focusing on the very interesting and very stale pastry sitting on the display shelf.
Still, he could feel Chris’ searing gaze on his side profile, and when Felix got enough courage to look back at him, he saw Chris looking at him, deep in thought.
Returning his focus to the coffee machine, Chris finally looked away, but he kept talking. “Did I ever tell you why I wanted to lead a pack of my own?”
“No…”
“I wanted to… To build a safe space. For those of us that were tired of being judged or mistreated. There was a lot of that in my childhood pack, Changbin and I were sick of it. Jisung, too–you remember Jisung, right?” Felix just nodded, and Chris continued. “Minho didn’t have a pack, either. But his case was very… Peculiar. He can tell you himself if you do choose to join us. Lix, you… Are nice. And although I don’t know what happened to you, I’m sure it was a lot for you to have been living in the forest since you were so young. So… Think about it”.
And Felix did think about it.
He could barely get sleep that night just thinking about it. About the prospect of having a pack again. Chris had shown him many times that he was just a different breed of alpha altogether, whether he knew it or not, so Felix found himself genuinely considering it. But there was something he needed to do before he made that decision.
“Chris’ pack? He offered that?” Hyunjin’s eyes were wide, and his mouth fell slightly open in surprise.
“Yes. But…” Felix stretched his hand over the table, past his stack of freshly made waffles, finding Hyunjin’s and holding it tightly in his. “I want you to come with me”.
Hyunjin blinked, and suddenly averted his gaze, fixing it on their joined hands. “Lix, angel, you know I can’t…”
“Love, listen to me”, Felix squeezed his hand, trying to get Hyunjin’s attention back to his eyes. “You can. Jinnie, baby, they’re sucking the life out of you in there. You don’t owe them anything”.
Hyunjin’s eyes flickered between Felix’s, looking at his face intently. Until he eventually squeezed his hand and heaved a sigh again. “Do you even know if Chris would take me? He asked you to join, not me. He doesn’t even know me. I don’t know him”.
“I’ll ask”, Felix reassured him, reaching over the table with his free hand to tuck a strand of his hair behind his ear–he had been growing it these days, and Felix would lie if he said it didn’t make his heart flutter. “If you tell me you’ll consider it, I’ll ask, baby”.
Hyunjin simply nodded, bringing Felix’s hand to his lips so he could place a kiss on the back of it.
After much consideration, Hyunjin gave Felix the goahead. He wanted to defect, he wanted to detach himself from his parents as much as he could, and most importantly, he wanted to be able to be himself, openly. So, that afternoon, during his shift at work, Felix went to Chris to ask him about it.
“Would you consider taking Hyunjin in, too?” Felix asked him as soon as Chris came in through the door and stood behind the counter.
“Wow, what happened to ‘good afternoon’? What happened to ‘hello’?” Chris chuckled, washing his hands in the sink. “I’ll have to meet him first, though. But, if he’s anything like you, I’m sure it’ll be fine”.
“We… Don’t have much, you know that, right? I mean, I sleep in the woods for a reason. It’s cheap”.
“You mean it’s free?” Chris snorted, but he gave Felix a genuine smile after. “We’ll manage. That’s why we live in packs, don’t we? To help each other out”.
Felix stared at Chris for a few long moments.
All of a sudden he felt a bit… Overwhelmed, to put it simply. He didn’t know what came over him, or why Chris’ words affected him like they did, but, after a few more moments of silence, he took a hold of Chris’ apron, looking down to the floor. “Chris, can I… Can I hug you?”
Felix had barely finished his question when Chris was already pulling him into his arms, cradling the back of his head and patting his back. Something snapped in Felix at that moment, he started to tremble, and he just couldn’t hold in the tears that had started to well in his eyes.
Chris didn’t say anything, he just hugged Felix tightly, and dear heavens if this man’s hugs weren’t the warmest and most comforting hugs Felix had ever felt. He knew it in his heart then, that he had made the right decision. That this was how having a Pack Alpha was supposed to feel like. Comfort, protection, warmth. Not whatever the fuck was happening in his childhood pack, not whatever the fuck was happening in Hyunjin’s pack, either.
The first night at Chris’ den was… Interesting. At the time, Chris was rooming with Changbin, and they had decided for Felix to spend the first nights here with them, or at least until Chris met Hyunjin and let him join the pack.
“I’ll take the sofa”, Chris told Felix as soon as they entered his flat.
“Nah, don’t worry, I’ll take it”, Changbin shouted from the kitchen, where he had been cooking dinner before Chris and Felix came in.
“No way. I’m not letting either of you take the sofa”, Felix intercepted immediately. “I’ve been sleeping on the ground for years, don’t worry about me, seriously. A sofa is a luxury at this point”.
Felix was used to saying these things out loud without thinking much about them, so he decided to ignore the apologetic look on Changbin’s face when he said that.
That night, while laying on the sofa, Felix did nothing but toss and turn.
The sofa was great. Plush, comfortable, but he felt incredibly awkward. After one too many turns he finally decided to shift into his wolf form, curling in on himself on the sofa, and then he truly felt comfortable. It wasn’t that much different from a moss bed; the biggest upside was the fact that it was dry and warm here, so truly, for Felix, this was like a five star hotel at this point.
He’d no longer have to store his few belongings in gym lockers, or use gym showers, he’d no longer have to be aware of every single sound around him in case a hunter decided to come around the corner, or in case it started to rain, or in case one of the wild cats living in the area wanted to start a fight. As he drifted off to sleep, Felix truly, truly felt incredibly lucky.
Even the next day, when Felix woke up to the sight of Changbin’s smiling, swollen face, looking fondly at him still curled up on the sofa, he felt at ease, his wagging tail more than proof of that.
Now, getting Hyunjin to meet Chris, and for Chris and the other pack members to accept him was easy. Felix had no doubts in his mind that Chris and the others would like Hyunjin enough to let him join the pack as well. What was difficult was getting Hyunjin to defect.
He started gradually taking things out of his house. Important stuff, sentimental stuff, documents, anything of value. Hyunjin passed them all to Felix for Felix to keep them safe at the den. The idea was for every material thing he wanted to keep to be taken out before he spoke with his parents–if he spoke with his parents at all.
Hyunjin wasn’t sure yet… If he wanted to just disappear or if he wanted to confront them. He was sure they wouldn’t just let him leave, they’d try to convince him to stay with their impeccable emotional manipulation tactics, so he was leaning more towards the idea of leaving quietly.
All his plans went to shit when they saw him taking out the last bag of his belongings. Or at least, that was what he told Felix when he arrived a crying mess at the den.
The sight of Hyunjin crying his eyes out, the distress in his scent, it pulled at Felix’s heartstrings unpleasantly. He hated seeing him like this, he wished he could make it all better, make him smile again that charming smile of his. As soon as he saw him, Felix pulled Hyunjin into his arms, and Hyunjin started crying harder against his shoulder, sobbing uncontrollably as the door to Chris’ flat closed behind him.
“What happened?!” Jisung asked as soon as he noticed Hyunjin’s state.
Hyunjin mumbled unintelligible nonsense against Felix’s shoulder, and Felix couldn’t help but bring a hand to his hair, trying to soothe him. “Shh, baby. It’s okay. Take your time…”
By the time Hyunjin had stopped crying the three of them sat on Chris’ sofa. Hyunjin gulped down the glass of water in his hand, and proceeded to blow his nose on a napkin Jisung had brought him.
“You told them that? Seriously?” Jisung softly caressed Hyunjin’s back, looking almost incredulous. “ ‘Your son is a fruity omega, deal with it’ has got to be the best coming out phrase of all time, honestly. You’re so badass”.
Hyunjin chuckled, blowing his nose again. “I was so angry when I said it. They were so angry when I said it. They started calling me names, saying I was an ungrateful bastard… And I just… Told them to fuck right off and left before they could even try to guilt trip me into staying”.
Felix brought a hand to Hyunjin’s chin, tilting his face towards him, offering him a smile. “You did it, baby. You’re free. We’re free”.
A small smile made its way onto Hyunjin’s lips as he looked back at Felix, his eyes were still a bit bleary and red, but they looked so, so full of hope, Felix couldn’t help but lean in and press a brief peck on his lips.
Jisung whined next to them, and when Felix turned to look at him he had a pout on his lips. “No kiss for me?”
“My God, Jisung. Not everything is about you”, Hyunjin sighed, sounding more like his usual self. He turned anyway, gripping Jisung by the cheeks with one hand and giving him a quick peck. An entirely platonic exchange, not uncommon between omegas, to be honest. “There. Happy?”
“Very!” Jisung was beaming, and it made Felix chuckle. “Welcome home”, he added, with a splitting smile on his face, pulling both Hyunjin and Felix into a hug.
Everything was smooth sailing from there. As smooth sailing as living in a pack of several traumatised werewolves can be.
Throughout the years, Felix managed to finish his basic studies, he was no longer illiterate in the eyes of the human government, and he had found himself with a career goal. He wanted to be a chef. Preferably a pastry chef. Cooking was still, to this day, one of his biggest escapes. At first it was only regular food, then he started trying more complicated dishes, and eventually he found out how challenging baking could be.
His packmates were often the test subjects for every meal he cooked, especially Hyunjin, of course, who was there with him every step of the way, always supportive, always ready to give Felix an honest review of whichever concoction he had put together.
More people joined Chris’ pack, Seungmin, Jeongin… And eventually, by the time Felix was well into his twenties, came the girls. Or at least, some girls.
Chris’ current girlfriend came first, a human who took the place of Pack Mum before Chris even got the balls to confess his feelings for her… Then came Changbin’s girlfriend, an omega who also defected from her abusive pack and seeked comfort in the only other werewolf she knew. And of course, Minho’s best friend and now girlfriend, who had been coming to the den since Minho joined the pack. Felix liked to call her their honorary pack member, since she really didn’t live here, but she came and stayed over so often she was already like one of their own.
Felix honestly would’ve never imagined his family would get so big. Because that was what this pack had become to him, the family he never truly had. He knew that he wanted to share his love, and here, with these people, he was able to share it more than ever–at least, his platonic love.
When it came to romance, it always went back to Hyunjin. Felix had dated a handful of people throughout the years. Humans, mostly–not to say exclusively. But things usually fell through when they simply couldn’t understand his relationship with Hyunjin. They always pretended they were okay with being in an open relationship, the reality was, they simply weren’t. So Felix often found himself breaking things off with people.
Hyunjin was a bit more lucky, he had a couple of serious relationships that actually lasted a fair amount of time. But ultimately, things would also fall through. Not because of his relationship with Felix, but simply because people change, their needs change, their wants change… And Hyunjin was one hundred percent sure of what he wanted, so as soon as any hesitancy came from the other party, ties were cut off.
Felix truly, truly never ever believed in imprinting and soulmates, but if such a thing existed, he was sure he now had two.
It simply happened one day, while going on a morning run with Hyunjin.
Every other weekend, very early in the morning, Felix and Hyunjin would go to the forest, to the same one Felix used to live in, to where they met for the first time. Felix found comfort in the place, the den was his home, but these woods were the place in which he was reborn, so he enjoyed coming here to connect with that part of himself every once in a while.
Hyunjin came just to spend some time with him, Felix knew it. He wasn’t overly fond of waking up early in the morning, but he never once complained. He understood how much it meant to Felix.
And in that place, was where they met you, too.
As Felix and Hyunjin drank from the clear stream, their ears perked up at the sudden rustle of leaves behind them. Slowly, another wolf came from between the trees, curiously eyeing them both.
Felix felt almost exactly the same way he did when he met Hyunjin for the first time, minus the excessive amounts of trauma he was dealing with back then.
They didn’t make any attempts to run or showed any hostility, since the wolf wasn’t showing any hostility, either. Very quickly they were enveloped by the scent of a werewolf, an alpha, just as the wolf came close to sniff them.
The wolf looked… Intrigued, more than anything. Their dark fur flowed with the gentle breeze passing by, and if Felix thought they were beautiful as a wolf, he wondered how they would look like as a human.
Hyunjin seemed to be in the same state Felix was, entranced, but before they knew it, the wolf took off into the woods again, gone out of their sight.
“So, uhm… I didn’t imagine that, right?” Hyunjin said a while later, as soon as he shifted back into his human form and tugged his jeans up his legs. “Who was that?”
“Dunno. You certainly didn’t imagine it”, Felix slid his plaid shirt on, slowly doing each button. “It felt kinda like…”
“Like when we met”, Hyunjin finished, slipping his shoes on. “Without the ‘growling at me and scaring me to death’ part”.
Felix chuckled, finishing with his clothes.“You’re never gonna let me live that down, are you?”
“Never, sweetheart”, Hyunjin winked at him, slinging an arm around his shoulders and pulling him close. “You’ll have to be making up for it for the rest of your life!”
“You’re so dramatic sometimes…”
That night, though, Felix could only think about the encounter. He wondered how he could find that wolf again, Hyunjin had told him earlier to simply let things flow, just like he did when he met Felix for the first time. If it was meant to be, you’d meet again.
And you did meet again, although not exactly in the way Felix had hoped for.
Felix loved his job, he loved baking, and decorating cakes, and working at this bakery specifically. It was fun, especially on days like these, with orders like these. A basic marbled cake, frosted with white and green buttercream, with the words ‘congrats on the sex’ written on it.
He wasn’t usually the one giving the customers their orders, but they were a bit understaffed today, so he brought it out as soon as he was called for it. Thankfully, it was quite slow at this time, so there was only one person waiting by the counter.
Felix called for the customer in the receipt anyway, and that same person perked up, looking at him. As soon as your eyes landed on his, he felt immediate familiarity, but he couldn’t quite pinpoint why.
“So, your cake’s ready. Please check and make sure it’s all to your liking”, Felix fell into his customer service persona anyway, it was hard not to, he practically spoke in autopilot at this point whenever he was behind the counter.
“Looks good”, you mumbled once you took a brief look at the cake. “How much do I owe you?”
“Well, says here you paid half upfront, so here’s the remaining amount”, Felix signalled to the register, and you started to take cash out of your bag.
What an odd interaction. He felt like there was something on the tip of his tongue the entire time, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was missing something.
“Here you go”, you handed him the money, and Felix pressed buttons on the register, getting it to open and giving you the necessary change once he had deposited the bills inside.
You took the box and turned around to leave. Felix’s brows furrowed, confused, but he didn’t say anything.
However, you turned back around, so fast Felix almost jumped on the spot when you placed the cake back down on the counter. “Were you in the forest the other day?”
Felix was completely caught off guard, but he recognised you then. The alpha from the forest. “That was you?” He lowered his voice, making sure the other lingering customers didn’t eavesdrop the conversation.
“Yes! I’ve been… Uh… This is gonna sound super weird, I’m sorry, but I’ve been looking for you, although I’m not really sure why exactly”, your brows furrowed, and Felix almost wanted to reach over the counter and smooth it out with his thumb.
“Me, too. Well, us, too”, a couple of customers came into the store, and Felix offered them friendly smiles and a quick greeting before turning his eyes back to you. Taking a napkin from the holder on the counter and a pen, he scribbled his phone number quickly, signing it with his name.
“Text me… If you want”, he added once he handed you the paper.
You looked at the napkin in your hand, then carefully folded it and placed it in your back pocket, giving him a “sure thing, Felix” with a smile on your face as you took your cake. “Have a nice day!”
Work couldn’t go any slower after that encounter…
“A female alpha?” Hyunjin asked as soon as Felix started telling him the story, when Felix had finally made it home and slid inside the bathtub to join him.
“So it seems. Well, they didn’t really tell me their gender or anything, but they were certainly female presenting… A lot of… Cleavage and stuff”, Felix had been too confused earlier to focus too much on it, but now that his mind was a bit clearer, he was remembering… Things.
“What are the odds… An alpha for a beta and an omega”, Hyunjin leaned back on his end of the tub, extending one of his legs a bit, and immediately, Felix felt the pressure of the ball of Hyunjin’s foot on his length.
Quirking a brow, he looked at Hyunjin with a smirk on his lips.
“Are you trying to rile me up, my sweet prince? Trying to distract me with your low tactics?” Felix chuckled from where he was leaning on his end of the tub, taking a hold of Hyunjin’s heel and pulling him further against him.
“Question is, when am I not, my love?” Hyunjin gave him a smug smile, and it was just as he was about to say something again that Felix’s phone rumbled from where he had left it on the toilet lid. He looked at Hyunjin, and Hyunjin looked right back at him. Before Felix could say anything, Hyunjin was already stretching his arm, taking the phone, and looking at the notification.
“It’s them”, Hyunjin urged, handing Felix the phone to read the message.
> Unknown Number: hey
> it’s me, from the bakery
> the ‘congrats on the sex’ cake?
> anyway
> would you like to go for coffee sometime?
“They could’ve just said ‘the alpha from the forest’, to be honest”, Hyunjin chuckled, still amused by the cake story.
“What should I tell them?” Felix was suddenly nervous. Why was he nervous? He’d done this before. Hell, he wasn’t even the one asking the other out… Was this even a date?
“Say yes! Give them a date and a time”, Hyunjin urged, nudging him with his foot.
“Are you coming, though?”
“I think you should meet them first”, Hyunjin replied confidently. “I’m intrigued, but you already met them, and you know we usually don’t… Like the same type of people. I really think you should meet them first. See if they are nice, and if they are and you want something with them, see if they’re comfortable with… You know. Us”.
So Felix replied then, a short ‘brunch tomorrow. 11am?’ to which you gave him a positive answer and the name of a café he had been to before, so he knew where to go. All details which he gave Hyunjin immediately.
“That’s great, baby!” He nudged Felix with his foot again, making the other smile. “Now, come here. I want you to absolutely destroy me”.
Felix couldn’t help but chuckle. “Needy, are we?” But he moved anyway, leaning forward to kiss Hyunjin properly.
The next day, while Felix anxiously bounced his leg as he sat at one of the tables in the café, he felt oddly nervous. He reasoned it was because you were a werewolf. Felix had truly only dated humans before, the only werewolf he’d ever been with was Hyunjin–he did shoot his shot at Changbin once when he started to live at the den, but to this day he was sure Changbin hadn’t even registered it, so he let it go.
“Hey”, you regarded Felix with a smile as soon as you saw him, taking a seat in front of him. God, Felix hadn’t realised yet, but you smelt like the forest. Like pine and the moss beds he used to sleep on, and it almost knocked the air right out of his lungs.
“So”, Felix started once you both had procured your respective coffees and sandwiches. “The woods, huh? Never seen you around before”.
“You go there often? Never seen you around, either”, you replied between bites of your food, and Felix gave you a nod in responde, not wanting to discuss why he went to the woods in the first place. “I go there often, too. My sisters like to hangout around the place. I was looking for one of them when I saw you guys”.
“You got sisters? Never seen any other werewolf there that wasn’t Hyunjin, now you…”
“Hyunjin? That’s the other wolf you were with?” Felix just nodded again, and you continued. “Well, my sisters aren’t werewolves, that’s why. I’m, uh… My pack is not exactly… Conventional”.
“Oh?” Felix couldn’t help but quirk a brow. “I’m intrigued”.
You gave him a sheepish smile, taking a sip of your coffee right after. “Werecats, werejackals, werebats… It’s a very odd pack, we’re all a bit different. I’m the only werewolf in it, actually”.
Felix’s jaw went slack, completely in shock. “…Come again?”
“Uh, well, there are two werecats, one werejackal, two werebats, and we might be integrating a vampire soon, actually. Not the same thing as a werebat, by the way”.
Felix just blinked, and you gave him an almost shy smile. “Damn, it’s like you’re collecting otherworldlies”, Felix chuckled, dragging his fingers through his hair and leaning back on his chair.
“Yeah, well… We got fed up and decided to stick together”, you offered simply.
“All girls?”
“Nah. Some of us, like me, don’t care about gender at all. Some girls, some boys, some non-conforming… You know…” You eyed him intently, almost as if you were trying to test his stance on the matter, and it had him chuckling.
“Oh, I know”, he replied, with a genuine smile on his face.
You seemed satisfied with his answer, and that, for some reason, made him feel giddy.
That was when you truly started to open up. You were just a bit older than him, you worked at your late parents’ antique and oddities shop, it had been left in your care once they passed away, and your den was located right above it. ‘Got the entire building for ourselves! I’m honestly glad my parents were careful enough to leave me everything they had to their name. I don’t know where I’d be if they hadn’t…’
You were very moralistic, and blunt, and honestly? Really hot. Felix was listening intently to everything you were telling him, he really was. But he could also multitask, so admiring your attributes while he listened was going incredibly well for him.
“What about you, though?” You asked eventually, taking a sip of your now cold coffee.
Felix shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m a baker, as you probably inferred. I have a mostly werewolf pack, but we’ve got a few humans as well”.
“Your alpha allows humans in their den?” You asked, a bit incredulous, and Felix really laughed out loud at the thought of Chris not allowing humans at his den, all things considered.
“He does. Actually, my pack’s alpha is head over heels for his human girlfriend. Any moment now they’re gonna mate and or get married, I’m sure”.
“And you? Hyunjin?” Ah, there it was. It was time to speak about That.
“Hyunjin’s my mate”, Felix replied honestly, confidently looking you in the eyes. “And just to clarify, I don’t mean a mate as a friend. He’s my mate mate. We’ve been mates for years. But… We’re in an open relationship”.
“Oh?” You leaned back in your seat, and the curious glint in your eyes gave him some hope. “Never heard of polyamorous mates before. Does it really work for you guys?”
“It does. We’re both just… Two guys who love each other, and want to share our love with other people, too”, and they were. They truly, truly were, and Felix believed this one hundred percent. “It’s all about trust and consent and all that, you know?”
“Oh, I know…” Your fingers tapped the table.
You looked at Felix for a moment, the air was suddenly heavy between you two, thick with something intense, alluring, and Felix could feel the hairs at his nape stand on end when you leaned on the table, resting your elbows on it. “So… If I take you home right now, and fuck your brains out, your mate won’t mind?”
Blunt. Forward. Very much an alpha, you were.
“My mate was the one who urged me to text you back last night”, a smirk made its way onto his lips, and he leaned forward on the table as well, matching your stance. “What about you, though? You’re an alpha. Wouldn’t it bother you? To know I’m also someone else’s? To share?”
“I’m not a possessive alpha. Not like that at least”, you licked your lips, and Felix’s eyes followed the movement like a hawk. “Like you said… It’s all about consent, and trust, and all that”.
“Exactly…”
You stared at him, and Felix stared right back. In your eyes, all dark and clouded with need, he could see it all. In your scent, he could smell it all. Arousal, lust, want… It was honestly almost comical how fast the both of you stood up from your chairs. The bills had been paid for already, so you simply slung your bag over your shoulder and took Felix’s hand, tugging him out of the café.
“My place is close by”, you told him simply, and he followed you without hesitation.
“Isn’t it dangerous for you to show me where you live on a first date?” Felix teased you as soon as you both made it to your building’s entrance–it was more a door than an entrance, but he figured the term still worked.
“I don’t know why, but my instincts tell me I can trust you, Lee Felix”, you said as you started to climb the stairs, and Felix followed right behind you, not even pretending like he wasn’t staring at your ass the entire time. “But anyway, what would you do to me? I could probably snap you in half”, you grinned at him as soon as you made it to your door, hastily getting your keys from your bag and unlocking it.
“You wouldn’t dare! Who’d take care of my Hyunjin if I’m gone?” Felix bit back, stepping into your home.
As soon as the door closed behind him, you pushed Felix against it, pressing your whole body against his own, and that look in your eyes truly reminded him that you were an alpha, that you were very much capable of snapping him in half, and that he’d gladly let you fuck him silly at any time of day.
“Well, if he wants, I can take care of him no problem. I honestly haven’t been able to stop thinking about his apple and pear scent”, you caged him against that door, with your hands at either side of him. “But then again, I also haven’t been able to stop thinking about yours”.
Before Felix could even attempt to respond, your lips were on his. Warm, slightly chapped from the cold air outside, but still moist with your saliva, and his entire body came alight. You tasted like coffee and bread and like the sweetest nectar he’d ever drunk.
Your fingers tangled in his hair, pulling him closer as your tongue made its way inside his mouth, devouring him, and he simply took it, pushing his tongue against yours and holding your waist tightly. Felix wasn’t sure if it was the influence of your alpha scent, if it was the fact that you were a werewolf, or the fact that you’d met in the forest, right where he had met Hyunjin, his forever mate, making his brain jump to conclusions, but truly, Felix had only ever felt this ravenous with him before this moment.
“Are you clean of anything?” You asked as soon as your lips disconnected, starting a trail of kisses all the way from his mouth to his neck, licking and sucking on his pulse point, making him whine.
“Yes”, Felix replied simply, slightly breathless, because it was the truth. He got checked regularly, as did Hyunjin.
“Good. Me too”, with that, you dropped to your knees, swiftly undoing his belt, popping open the button of his jeans and opening his zipper. God, he was so hard already, how had he gotten this worked up just by a few minutes of kissing?
It was really hard for him to care at all as you mouthed his length over his underwear. “Let me know if you want to stop at some point, okay? You say stop and I’ll stop. Promise”.
Felix nodded, his eyes fixed on yours as you palmed him. You squeezed him over the fabric, and he was starting to lose it, truly. “Say it, Felix. Say you understand”.
“I–I understand”, saliva had pooled in his mouth, so he swallowed, getting lost in your sinful stare. Felix was usually the one taking the lead, but right now, there was nothing he wanted more than to let you do with him as you pleased, and by that look in your eyes, he was almost certain that was what you wanted, too.
“That’s it. What a good boy”, you smiled at him, a genuine smile that made your eyes disappear, a complete contrast to the way you pulled his underwear down, letting his cock spring free from its confinements.
As soon as you took his length into your warm, wet mouth, he just couldn’t help himself, the moan that left his lips was almost pathetic to his ears, but he didn’t care. Felix let his head fall against the door, lost in the feeling of your warmth around him, on the obscene slurping sounds filling his ears, on the smell of the forest surrounding him completely, making him tremble where he stood.
When was the last time he had had sex with a stranger? But then again, somehow, you didn’t feel like a total stranger, you felt familiar, almost as if he had known you for a long, long time.
“So fucking good with your mouth–Fuck!” The feeling of your throat around him was too much, you were working him up way too quickly, he had to focus really hard to hold it all in. Maybe it was the mix of your entire being–your scent, your values, your tits that looked absolutely amazing in that low top–or maybe it was the new experience that had him so heated, but he’d usually be able to go longer than this, he had stamina goddamn it.
You pulled away from his cock with a lewd pop, replacing your mouth with your hand, pumping him fervently. Sweet, sweet torture… “It’s okay, puppy. You can come. I’m not done with you, though. You can come and then I’ll work you up all over again, hm?”
Felix nodded, frantic, his eyes jumping from your hand working his cock to your face, to your eyes staring right into him. As soon as you took him back into your mouth he was gone. “Shit, fuck… You’re seriously… I’m gonna come, fuck…”
You bobbed your head once, twice, thrice, and then his mind went blank. An assortment of swears and grunts and moans flew past his lips as he shot his load down your throat, and you kept blowing him through all of it, even when he stopped coming, bringing him to the brink of oversensitivity.
“Shit, wait, too much…” He whined, writhing against the door. For a moment, he thought you wouldn’t stop, he honestly wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t.
But thankfully–or regretfully, he couldn’t decide…–you took pity on him, finally letting him fall from your mouth and staring up at him with a satisfied smile on your face as you looked at him taking deep breaths. When you stood on your feet and kissed him again, Felix really started to feel lightheaded, drunk on your scent, on his own taste on your tongue.
“You okay?” You asked, and it seemed like you genuinely cared, which honestly made his heart flutter.
“More than okay, holy shit”, Felix replied between kisses, making you chuckle. You instructed him to take his t-shirt, his shoes, his jeans and underwear off, and he did it without hesitation.
“Come here, pup”, you tugged him away from the door, walking a few strides and pushing him to sit on the sofa, straddling him as soon as he was seated.
His hands came to rest on the curve of your ass, and before his hazy mind could register the movement, you had already tugged your shirt and your bra away from your body. His mouth watered at the sight of your breasts falling into their natural place, and right there, sitting on top of him, you truly, truly looked like a goddess.
“Felix”, your hand came to his nape, caressing his skin softly. “You seem to be very focused on my chest. Just like you were yesterday”, shit, he had been caught, but honestly, he couldn’t find it in him to care at all.
“How could I not? Shit, look at these”, he moved his hands to cup your tits, squeezing them gently. You allowed him to do it for a few moments, but then you took a hold of his hands, placing them on your ribs, right below your breasts.
“Wanna suck on them, pup?” You kept his hands pressed to your skin, and he immediately nodded, sucking you eagerly when you pulled his face to your breasts.
He didn’t know how long he spent with his mouth attached to your chest while you rolled your hips to get some friction from his already hardening length. All he knew was that when you came from the attention he was giving to your tits, from the grind of your still clothed core against him, the sound of your moans and your soft praises had him almost coming again.
That afternoon, after you took him from that sofa to your room, after you slid a condom on his cock and rode him until he couldn’t take it anymore, Felix left your flat all levels of fucked out of his mind, with a promise of another date, and an almost bashful ‘you think Hyunjin would like to meet me?’
As soon as he was back home, he made his way to his bedroom, finding Hyunjin propped on the headboard of the bed with a sketchbook and a pencil in his hands.
Felix plopped on the bed, sighing contently, and Hyunjin immediately chuckled in response.
“Jinnie, baby. You have to meet her, seriously”, Felix turned to his side and propped himself on his elbow, looking at Hyunjin.
“You think I’d like them?” His mate asked with a chuckle, barely even looking up from the piece he was working on.
“I’m sure you will, shit…”
Hyunjin agreed to meet you, so Felix gave him your contact, and in a couple of days, you two went on a date.
Felix wasn’t sure why he felt so incredibly excited at the prospect of you and Hyunjin going on a date. Maybe it was the fact that they both hardly ever found a common partner, and he was sure he’d enjoy his relationships much more if Hyunjin could be involved.
So he laid on his sofa that day, playing games on his phone and waiting for Hyunjin to come back home.
It was getting dark by the time Felix heard the tell-tale signs of a key going into the keyhole. Hyunjin stepped into the flat with languid steps, dropping his bag on the floor right by the entrance and making his way to the sofa. Felix fixed his gaze on him, looking at his every move. His hair was tousled, his shirt wrinkly and barely even tucked into his jeans, and Felix could’ve sworn he was limping a bit.
Finally, Hyunjin plopped on the other end of the sofa, slouching and staring at the ceiling, and Felix slung his legs over Hyunjin’s lap. He was silent for a while, but Felix didn’t push him, he simply kept quiet and waited for Hyunjin to gather his thoughts.
“Holy shit”, were the first words coming out of Hyunjin’s mouth, just as he brought a hand to softly caress Felix’s calf.
“How’d it go?” Felix couldn’t hold back any longer. He needed to know.
Hyunjin gestured in front of his chest, with his eyebrows high on his face. “Tits. Shit…”
Felix snorted at the comment, amused by the daze his partner was in. “I know, right?”
“That wasn’t normal, Lix”, Hyunjin finally looked at him, with an indecipherable glint of something in his eyes. “I’ve been with alphas before, but whatever that was went completely beyond that”.
“It kinda felt like…” Felix started, unsure if he should say it.
But Hyunjin clearly decided to say it instead. “Like when we’re together”.
“It’s crazy, though. We barely know them”, Felix was trying to find a logical explanation, anything factual, and not based on folklore.
Hyunjin snorted. “Darling, we’re dogs. What does it matter? Shouldn’t we follow our instincts? How many people can say they’re as lucky as us? I can’t believe we finally found a common match”, he carded his fingers through his hair, slumping further in his seat.
“So, that means that you’d like to… Include her? Like… The three of us being a thing?”
“After what I experienced today? Hell fucking yes”, Hyunjin chuckled. “As long as they want to. It’s all a bit… New”.
“Mm, it is”, Felix finally sat down on the sofa, sitting close to Hyunjin and dropping his head on his shoulder. The mix of his and your scent on his clothes had his heart doing somersaults in his chest.
Dating you was… Interesting. At first, you’d go on dates separately, either you and Hyunjin, or you and Felix, the three of you just getting used to one another. Until one day, finally, the three of you went out together.
Felix found it incredibly exhilarating, walking around with an arm around Hyunjin’s waist while holding your hand. It all felt just so… Natural. Easy. Just like it had been when Felix and Hyunjin started to get really close, when they figured out what they meant to each other.
It was all just so much fun, and he was having the time of his life.
Eventually, you needed to meet Chris. If Hyunjin and Felix wanted you to come over, they needed to make sure that their pack’s alpha approved of your presence at the den, and, honestly, Felix respected Chris way too much to not follow this rule, especially because it was one of the very few ones they had at all.
Chris was a bit guarded when you came to his flat to meet him for the first time. He was super stiff, and a bit more stoic than usual. Felix was sure it wasn’t the fact that you were an alpha per se, but the fact that you were an alpha that just wouldn’t stop shamelessly checking his girlfriend out, and it was probably triggering his instincts.
Felix had told you of their relationship before, but maybe he should’ve been a bit more explicit on how looking at her Like That could possibly bring your chances of coming and staying here to absolute zero.
Hyunjin had noticed, too. And he had been trying his best to distract you enough so you would stop. It wasn’t until Chris’ girlfriend excused herself for a moment, when Chris left the room and followed her, that both Felix and Hyunjin lunged at you.
“Darling, please. I’m begging… Stop checking her out. Chris is very possessive of our dear mother”, Felix urged, speaking as low as he could.
“Oh my God. Was it obvious?” You sounded genuinely distressed about it, and it made Hyunjin facepalm himself.
“Of course it was fucking obvious! You’re not exactly the epitome of discreet, love”, Hyunjin whispered-shouted.
“Shit, I didn’t mean to… I honestly have zero intentions with her. She’s just… Hot. Looks so…” You made squishing motions with your hands. You really didn’t need to say it, their pack’s mother was certainly very soft and squishable, Felix often found himself going for hugs or cuddling, so he understood, but his relationship with her was entirely familial, completely different to what you were doing right now, and it would never trigger Chris’ nature–unless the man was close to his rut, but those were technicalities…
“I’m just… Admiring, you know? Can you blame me?”
“No”, Hyunjin sighed, dragging his hand over his face. “But please stop looking at her like that. If there’s anyone off limits at this den, it’s her”.
You pouted, looking slightly annoyed, but you nodded regardless, finally taking a deep breath. “I know you guys are right… I’ll do my best not to start any fights over pretty girls here. No promises, though…”
When Chris and his girlfriend came back, your staring had finally stopped. Regardless, when they returned, Chris held onto his girl like the most obnoxious koala, and as usual, she didn’t seem fazed at all by this.
You gave Chris a bit of context on your life. Your den, your pack, but most importantly, you told him the values and foundations of your pack, which were very similar to Chris’ own. That, added to the fact that you stopped looking at his girl, had seemed to soften his entire demeanour.
“They can stay”, Chris told Hyunjin and Felix that same evening after you left. “They seem nice and I like what she’s doing with their pack”.
Felix heaved a sigh, feeling immensely relieved. At least, until Chris spoke again.
“But, respectfully, tell her to fucking stop looking at my girlfriend like that. At least when I’m around. It fucks up with my head, and it’s incredibly unpleasant, okay?”
Chris didn’t sound particularly angry, mostly just annoyed. Felix knew you wouldn’t make any real advances towards his girlfriend, just like Chris probably knew you wouldn’t, either. Not to say how they all knew his girl just wouldn’t even acknowledge any potential advance. Hell, Felix doubted she even noticed you were looking at her like that at all, she only ever seemed to register Chris in that regard.
But at the end of the day, just like Hyunjin often said, they were dogs, and they often had to fight their animalistic instincts with an insane amount of human self control, which could honestly get quite tiring.
With the approval of their alpha, you started to regularly come to their den–more specifically, to Hyunjin and Felix’s flat, of course. You wouldn’t spend the night that much, though, which was completely understandable. After all, you had a den of your own to attend to.
Some nights, Felix wished he could be snuggled between you and Hyunjin, he wondered how that would be like quite often.
When he told Hyunjin about this, he simply chuckled and said ‘we’d need to get a bigger bed, then. You and I can barely fit on ours’, which honestly sounded like an amazing idea to Felix, but Hyunjin shattered his fantasy when he added, ‘how would you be snuggled between us if you love to sleep at the foot of the bed, though?’ which was also an excellent point on his part…
Regardless, you came over often, to meet Hyunjin if he was there, to meet Felix if he was there, or to meet them both if they were both there. It didn’t really matter, you just dropped by and spent time with either or both and left your scent everywhere and Felix honestly loved it more than he could’ve ever imagined. There was hardly anything that made him as happy as the mix of your scent and Hyunjin’s all over him, it made him feel giddy, and warm, and loved.
“That’s it, Lixie, baby… You’re doing so well…”
The sound of skin slapping against skin filled the room. Kneeling on the sofa, with one hand on your hip, the other fondling one of your breasts, and his chest firmly pressed to your back, Felix buried his face in the crook of your neck, moaning against your skin as you kept pushing your hips back to meet his thrusts. He felt just so drunk on your scent, on the feel of your ass hitting his pelvis, and the tight grip of your walls around his cock.
“You smell so… Good, fuck…” Sweat collected at his temples, he rolled your nipple between his fingers, making you moan, the sound turning to a blissed chuckle.
“You do, too, pup. Fresh… Like petrichor”, you told him simply, pushing your hips back harder, faster.
How many times had this sofa seen you two fuck in the past handful of months? Felix wasn’t sure, but he was sure it hadn’t been enough, he needed more of it. He loved doing it here, right in the living room. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was the fact that your scent would linger in the fabric after you left and he’d get to smell it for days after when laid down.
Suddenly, you stopped moving, and Felix instinctively stopped moving as well as the sound of his front door opening reached his ears.
Okay, maybe it could also be the fact that Felix knew Hyunjin loved coming back home to the sight of his partners having sex that made him enjoy fucking on this sofa so much.
“You guys are fucking without me?” Hyunjin dropped his belongings at the entrance, pouting, quickly making his way to the sofa.
You chuckled, pressing a kiss on his lips once Hyunjin kneeled in front of you, wrapping his arms around you and Felix, sandwiching you between them. “You were taking too long to come home, Jinnie”.
“Too long, sweetheart”, Felix let go of your breast to grip the collar of Hyunjin’s shirt, pulling him in for a kiss, too.
Hyunjin sighed, burying his face in the crook of your neck, while Felix did the same on the other side. “Got caught up at work…”
“You work too hard, honey”, you told him, wrapping one of your arms around his waist, pulling him further into you, striking a normal, almost domestic conversation as if your walls didn’t have a vice grip on Felix’s length.
“Did you at least manage to fix that part of the mural you didn’t like?” Felix asked, caressing Hyunjin’s hair, continuing the conversation as if he wasn’t rock hard inside of you.
“I did…” Hyunjin pressed his nose to your pulse point, inhaling deeply, audibly, and it made you chuckle.
“Wanna join us? Or are you gonna stay there and watch?” Felix could feel his cock twitch when you asked that, and honestly, either option sounded exactly like absolute heaven to him.
“Have to clean up, I’m covered in paint”, Hyunjin finally detached himself from your neck, looking between you and Felix with a sad pout on his lips. “You guys go on, I’ll join you after a shower”.
With a quick kiss to both of you, Hyunjin hurriedly retreated to the bathroom.
Felix attached his lips to your shoulder, peppering your skin with kisses as you took a hold of both of his hands and brought them to your chest. “Wanna keep going, Lix? Or do you need a break?”
He squeezed your breasts, trapping your nipples between his fingers, and the way you clenched around him with the motion had him salivating, truly making him feel like a dog. Like a really horny dog. “Let’s keep going. Or I’ll die”.
Reaching behind to take a hold of his hair, you turned your head, finding Felix’s lips for a heated kiss. As soon as your hips started to push back against him again, he groaned, the sound getting lost in your mouth while you held him tightly in place, ravishing his mouth.
Tugging his head back a bit, your lips attached to his jaw, the lack of your mouth on his own let his blissed grunts and groans and moans spill freely out of his mouth. He quickened his pace, and you immediately matched the rhythm. Between your scent and the sounds you were making and the slapping of skin and the delicious feel of you wrapped around him Felix started to feel lightheaded, he’d been so close to coming so many times throughout the entire evening he was sure he’d explode at any moment.
“Darling… I’m so, so close”, Felix couldn’t help but groan as soon as you started to move even faster, holding his hair tighter.
“Come whenever you want, sunshine”, when you kissed him again, when you started to rub circles on your clit and clenching so, so tightly around him, Felix knew he was done for, he wouldn’t last much longer.
Holding your hips and burying his face in the crook of your neck to get close to your pulse point, he snapped his hips as hard as he could, chasing that sweet, sweet relief, and as soon as he took in a deep breath and your scent engulfed him fully, his mind clouded.
“Fuck, fuck, Lixie, baby…” A growl resonated from deep within your chest as soon as you got your release, it made him shiver, and coupled with the feeling of your walls clenching repeatedly around his length was enough to send him over the edge.
Felix came with a deep, low growl, shooting his load into the latex. A low rumble started to resonate within him as he kept coming, and it remained even after your cunt had milked the very last drop.
“Aww, you’re rumbling. What a cute little pup you are”, you chuckled, slightly breathless.
Felix felt himself flush. Taking a hold of the condom at the base to secure it in place, he carefully pulled out of you, tying a knot and dropping the soiled latex on the floor to pick it up later. He plopped on the sofa, panting a bit, still rumbling, and he couldn’t help but scoff.
“And what about it?”
“Nothing”, you laid on top of him, kissing his cheeks, making him flush further. “You’re just really cute”.
“‘Course I am…” Felix mumbled, wrapping an arm around your waist and holding you close.
You just chuckled, pressing a loud, brief kiss on his lips.
After a quick moment of hydration, and as soon as Hyunjin was out of the bathroom, you and Felix pulled him into the bedroom, pushing him to the bed, not even giving him a chance to dry himself properly. You kissed Hyunjin fervently, just as Felix sucked love bites on his neck, eliciting a whimper from his mouth.
“Darling…” Hyunjin mumbled against your lips, trying to get your attention. “Want to… Would you let me…” With Felix’s languid strokes on his cock, Hyunjin could barely speak, and it had Felix growing impossibly harder against the curve of Hyunjin’s ass.
“What do you want, puppy?” You brought a hand to his chest, toying with one of his nipples, making him whine.
Hyunjin swallowed thickly, pushing his hips back against Felix’s length. “You… Want to taste you, please”.
“You want a taste?” You quirked a brow, pinching his nipple harder, making him swear and rut his hips harder against Felix. “What do you think, Lixie? Should I give our dear omega what he wants?”
Felix chuckled softly, licking the shell of Hyunjin’s ear, quickening the pace of his hand around Hyunjin’s length, reducing him to a whiny mess.
“He asked nicely, baby. Our Jinnie has had a hard day today, haven’t you, love?” Felix asked, and Hyunjin simply nodded in response, burying his face in the crook of your neck to get as much of your scent on him as he could. “I think he deserves a treat. Don’t you?”
“Are you turning soft on me now, Lixie?” You chuckled, but you pulled yourself away from Hyunjin anyway. He whined in protest, and you hushed him gently. “But I agree. Today our prince gets what he wants”.
Hyunjin hardly ever didn’t get what he wanted. Just that sometimes, what he wanted wasn’t for you and Felix to pamper him. Most times, he wanted to be ruined, to be played and toyed with however you and Felix pleased, to do whatever you wanted to him. Today didn’t seem like one of those days, so Felix didn’t see any reason to not give him what he asked for, just like you didn’t seem to, either.
Sitting against the headboard, you sat with your legs open, and Hyunjin immediately scrambled to get close to your core. The moment his tongue made contact with your skin, he groaned, and you bit your lip, looking at his every move. Felix just placed his hand on the back of Hyunjin’s head, softly caressing the strands as he enjoyed the sight of his tongue licking you, of his plump lips sucking on you.
“Baby…” You made grabby hands towards Felix, and he could feel his heart swell in his chest just by the way you looked at him, with need, and want, and maybe even love. “Kiss”.
Felix wasted no time, planting his lips on yours, relishing your moans against his lips, relishing the feeling of Hyunjin’s head bobbing and moving between your legs as he held him in place. Your tongue pushed its way inside Felix’s mouth, right as your hand wrapped around his length, and the sudden contact had him moaning immediately.
Your other hand joined Felix’s on Hyunjin’s head, further pushing him against you. Very quickly, the room filled with the sounds of your moans, of Felix’s moans, of Hyunjin’s moans… Groans, grunts, whimpers, and whines mingled with one another, to the point where it was hard to know from whom the sounds were coming out from. But it didn’t matter. All that mattered was Hyunjin between your legs and your hand around Felix’s cock… All that mattered was the mix of your scents in this room on this bed and the amount of lust and love pouring out of all the three of you and bouncing off the walls.
Lately, there was nothing Felix enjoyed more than getting lost on his lovers bodies, than the feeling of you and him and Hyunjin just sharing your warmth, your pleasure, and as he felt you tense under Hyunjin’s quickening tongue, as he felt your grip on his cock tighten the further his mate worked you up, he knew there was nowhere else he wanted to be than right here, in this moment.
Felix detached his mouth from your lips, attaching himself instead to your neck, licking at your pulse point for a moment–just enough to get a concentrated taste of you, quick enough to not trigger your alpha instincts. The contact of his tongue on your neck was gone almost as soon as it started, and he finally moved away from your neck to attach his lips to your cheeks, groaning and moaning against your skin.
“You wanna make me come, Hyunjinnie?” You asked, and Hyunjin nodded, sucking your clit into his mouth, making you throw your head back against the headboard.
“Make our alpha come, Jinnie”, Felix pleaded, pushing Hyunjin further into you. “Use that filthy mouth of yours just like you know how to, and later, you can get my cock, too”.
Hyunjin moaned, the sound strained and muffled as he got lost in your heat.
“Our sweet prince just wants to have his mouth full, doesn’t he?” You pressed a kiss on Felix’s lips, and he felt you shiver and tense further. “Always eager…”
The closer you got to your high, the more your scent seemed to intensify, and Felix was almost drunk on the smell of fresh fruits and the forest. He rocked his hips, fucking your fist just as his tongue kept dancing against yours.
The sounds of your wet kiss, the sounds of Hyunjin slurping you up, the squelching sounds of your fist around his length had Felix’s head spinning, and when your release washed over you, the feeling of you trembling and the smell of your arousal in the air almost, almost made him come, too.
With a tight grip on Hyunjin’s hair, you got him off of you, tugging him up for a kiss, a kiss Felix couldn’t help but join, moaning at the taste of you on Hyunjin’s tongue.
“Satisfied? Happy you got what you wanted?” You asked as soon as Hyunjin separated his lips from yours, sounding incredibly confident for someone who was still panting for air.
Hyunjin nodded, whimpering when you tugged on his hair again. “Good. Now be a good boy and lay down for us, hm?”
Hyunjin scrambled, laying on his back and watching as you took a condom from the box that had been hastily thrown on the bed earlier. As soon as you slid the latex on his length and you made sure it was securely in place, you straddled him, sinking yourself on his cock in one swift movement, eliciting a shared groan of relief.
You didn’t move, you just sat on him, watching as Felix got close to Hyunjin’s head, kneeling with his length in his hand. Hyunjin looked up at him, with his eyes all glossy and with flushed cheeks, his chest rising and falling with deep breaths. Truly a sight to behold.
“Please, Lixie…” Hyunjin begged, and you chuckled from your place on his lap, making him flush further.
“So desperate, baby. As if you didn’t just have your mouth busy… How needy…”
“If there’s one thing our Jinnie is, is needy. Aren’t you, love?” Felix chuckled, caressing Hyunjin’s cheek briefly, only to finally move closer to him, slapping his length against his cheek, making Hyunjin flush further. “A textbook slut, aren’t you?”
Hyunjin swallowed, nodding. The sound of a hand hitting skin resonated in the room, the slap Felix gave Hyunjin made his mate moan as soon as his palm made contact with the skin, and Felix gripped his chin tightly with one hand right after. “Aren’t you?”
“Yes!” Hyunjin whimpered, writhing a bit under Felix’s hold, and it made him feel tingly all over, tingly with lust and love and need. “Your slut!”
“Good boy”, you chuckled, pinching one of his nipples, making him squirm.
“Indeed. Our good little slut”, Felix let go of Hyunjin’s chin, caressing his cheek after.
“Please… Move, please”, it wasn’t very clear to whom Hyunjin was talking to, to you who had been sitting on his length for a while now, completely unmoving, or to Felix who had his cock so close to his mouth, but not letting it touch his lips at all. Most likely, it was directed to the both of you, but Felix decided to move first anyway.
“Open up, then, my dearest prince”, Felix couldn’t help but groan as soon as Hyunjin’s lips wrapped around him, sucking him eagerly, moaning around his length as he bobbed his head.
“That’s it, sweetheart… You always look the prettiest, the most handsome, with your mouth stuffed full of my cock, you know?” Pushing the tip of his length against Hyunjin’s cheek, Felix slapped the bulging skin a bit, relishing the way Hyunjin closed his eyes and moaned in bliss.
You chuckled from your place on Hyunjin’s lap, placing your hands on his chest for leverage and finally starting to bounce on his cock, making him whine and whimper as Felix kept thrusting into his mouth. “Look at you, Jinnie, dear. So pretty. Moaning for us like the prettiest bitch in heat”.
“Moaning like our perfect slut, you mean”, Felix chuckled, the sound breaking into a moan of his own as Hyunjin started to move as well, meeting Felix’s thrusts, letting his cock ease into his throat.
“That, too”, your pace was ruthless, the sound of his gagging and your skin hitting Hyunjin’s had Felix salivating, and he wasn’t sure where to focus. On his forever mate choking on his cock, or on your tits bouncing with every single one of your movements, or where Hyunjin’s length kept disappearing within your heat…
Hyunjin’s moans were getting increasingly more desperate, Felix could feel his orgasm grow incredibly close, and as soon as he locked eyes with you while he kept thrusting into Hyunjin’s mouth, he knew he wouldn’t last.
“Come here, Lixie. Let’s give our precious little omega what he wants”, you urged, quickening your pace.
“Fuck!” Hyunjin started to swear as soon as Felix’s length fell from his mouth, his blissed out noises now spilling freely from his swollen lips without the foreign body fucking his mouth.
Felix moved closer to you, just as you got off Hyunjin’s length and pulled the condom off of him, dropping it somewhere behind you to collect later. With his hand around his cock, Felix leaned into you, kissing you sloppily as he jerked himself, as you pumped Hyunjin with a tight fist.
Hyunjin was moaning a lot, Felix was grunting a lot, you were borderline growling, and it was all so much, so intense, Felix could feel his entire body tensing, and he was ready to burst at any second now.
The second you bit Felix’s lip, he couldn’t hold back anymore. Muttering a quick warning to no one in particular, and with a few more strokes, he finally came, spilling all over Hyunjin’s abdomen, his climax clouding his senses completely as all the tension finally left his body. He opened his eyes just enough to look at your hand around Hyunjin’s length, and if he hadn’t been lightheaded before he would’ve certainly been now at the sight.
“C’mon, Jinnie. Wanna come for us? For your precious mate and your dearest alpha?” Hyunjin frantically nodded in response to your question, gripping the bed sheets tightly in his fists, moaning and swearing and making all assortments of unintelligible noises under your ruthless grip.
With one final, drawn out moan, Hyunjin came, some of his seed dripped all over your fingers, while the rest landed on his torso, soiling him and mixing with Felix’s cum. As soon as the last drop was out of his mate, Felix dived, licking the mixture of their releases into his mouth. With his tongue thoroughly coated in their juices, he kissed Hyunjin, pushing his tongue into his mouth.
Hyunjin whimpered, pushing his tongue against Felix’s briefly, until finally you came close, and Felix simply moved his head enough so you could join in. And truly, Felix had never felt any more fulfilled than he did in this very moment, sharing that kiss with his two favourite people in this world, in that mess of tongues and lips and fluids.
With a satisfied sigh he dropped on the bed, laying next to Hyunjin just as you left the room, picking up the used condom from the floor on your way out. When you returned with a soaked washcloth in your hand, you cleaned up the mess that had been left on Hyunjin’s abdomen, murmuring soft words of encouragement as you did so. Felix simply took the cloth from you after to wipe the remnants of his release from his length just as you laid next to Hyunjin, pulling him to your chest, and pressing a kiss to his forehead.
As soon as Felix turned on his side, pressing his chest to Hyunjin’s back, Hyunjin started to rumble, letting out a content sight at your soft caresses on his hair and at Felix’s tender kisses on his shoulder.
“You should stay”, Hyunjin mumbled against your chest after a while, making you chuckle.
“I can’t tonight, pup. I’ve got to prepare this whole thing at the den… They’ll be waiting for me”, you answered simply, and when you looked at Felix he gave you his best puppy eyes, adding a sad pout for good measure.
You gave him a smile in response, pinching one of his cheeks. “I really can’t, Lix. Don’t make this any harder for me”.
“We just… Miss you when you’re gone”, Felix pressed his body further against Hyunjin, just as you did the same, effectively sandwiching him further between you two.
“We do”, Hyunjin reaffirmed, practically suffocating between your breasts, probably exactly where he wanted to be.
You sighed, tucking a strand of hair behind Felix’s ear. “I miss you guys, too. But you know I just… Can’t leave my packmates. They’re my family. And I know you guys won’t leave Chris, so… This’ll have to do for now. We’ll figure something out eventually”.
Felix just hummed, closing his eyes for a bit to enjoy the warmth of your palm on his cheek, to enjoy the rumble of Hyunjin against his chest, to ignore the need to find that solution right now. There was no point in dwelling on it when it truly was a bit of a complicated situation, and his post-coital state certainly didn’t make it any easier to make logical decisions.
The three of you laid there for a while, just sharing some body heat, some light conversation, until you moved to the bathroom to clean up, until you eventually had to call it a night and leave.
As Felix laid in bed with Hyunjin that night, curled up in a ball at the foot of the bed just how he loved to do, he realised that, he had truly never believed in soulmates, but if such a thing existed, he was one hundred percent certain having one would feel just like it felt when he was with you and Hyunjin.
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#stray kids supernatural au#stray kids fantasy AU#stray kids werewolf au#felix smut#hyunjin smut#felix fluff#hyunjin fluff#felix angst#hyunjin angst#stray kids smut#stray kids fluff#stray kids fanfiction#felix fanfiction#hyunjin fanfiction#felix x reader#hyunjin x reader#skz fanfic#skz fanfiction#stray kids fanfic#✨🌙✏
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Am i the asshole for responding in distress and upset after my best friend of six years cut me off??
Now, i know this sounds really cut and dry to begin with, but i promise it’s way more than just the title. That’s why I’m reaching out in confusion here.
About three weeks ago, my best friend of six years asked if i was free in the evening. It’s important to note that at this time there had been no communicated issues between us, I legitimately thought everything was fine. I try to be a very communicative person, so i talk about issues when they come up, and encourage them to do the same.
they showed up on my doorstep at 10:30 at night and asked me to come outside. Assuming we were going to be driving around and hanging out, i grabbed my things and happily skipped out to their car where they were waiting for me, and proceeded to say,
“I don’t know how to put this in a better way than this. I don’t think we work. I don’t want to be friends anymore.”
To say i was completely shell shocked would have been an understatement. I didn’t even know we had issues. We had been inseparable for six years, and even planned to move in together. At first i briefly thought they were joking, but when i realized they weren’t i turned around and walked back inside. I knew it would have been best for me not to continue to conversation in person. They hate being screamed at, and i knew i wasn’t going to be capable of not raising my voice in that moment as they gave me no warning of this situation, and no time to process. So, i simply turned around and went back inside. They texted me a few minutes later saying that they hated it had to be this way, but they needed to grow as a person.
Naturally, i have no issue with needing to personally grow, but i felt i had no understanding of the situation, so i asked them why and why i might have done to bring this on. They said that they constantly feel ashamed around me, and that they couldn’t be themselves around me. I was confused, and quickly let them know that i have always encouraged them to be the person they want to be around me, and to not hide themselves. However, they said they couldn’t.
They said that they make me uncomfortable, and that they scare me. Naturally, as this wasn’t true, i asked them where they got this notion, seeing as i had never said such a thing to them. They said they could tell from my body language, which i found to be ridiculous. I told them it was unfair of them to assume how i feel about them without even asking me, and that if i was upset with them i would have told them. They said,
“You don’t have to say anything.” Your body language says enough.
They than proceeded to say that we were different people, coming from different backgrounds, and that made us incompatible. I asked them what they meant, and they told me
“You have more opportunities than I do, and always will, and you're comfortable with that, again, that is okay.
You can have a decent paying job in a church, spend money on coffee and dirt cheap earrings online, and repress yourself around people you're afraid of, and my experience in the world is entirely different.”
This message completely confused me, as 1.) i don’t believe the opportunities a person has should define them as a person, and i certainly never flaunted mine. I’m in college, yes, and i have a decent paying job… but never have i rubbed that in anyone’s face, in fact i try to do the exact opposite. I felt icky about the way they commented on how i spend my money… as it never effected them, and i didn’t like the light that they were painting me in.
Not to mention, they seemed to be calling attention to the fact that i wasn’t out yet with my family (I’m bisexual.) when they brought up me repressing myself. In the time I’m in right now, this is a non-negotiable for me, as my family is intensely homophobic and would have disowned me if i came out. My ex best friend has always been more radical than me in a lot of view points, and i hate the thought that they may have demonized my fear of my life falling apart around me.
Naturally, after reading this message, i accused them of calling me shallow. They said they weren’t accusing me of anything, but i believe there’s no denying the object accusations and rude phrasing of the message that they had sent.
The conversation went on for some time, with me desperately attempting to understand what was going on, before finally i grew angry.
I told them it was unfair, no matter what their reasoning was, that they handled it this way.
They said it was fine because it was a selfish decision they were making for their own betterment and mental health.
I understand this- but none the less, i feel the way they handled it was wrong.
I told them that they should have given me some warning or time to prepare for this serious conversation, but they claimed that there was no way they could have prepared me for it. I told them it was unfair of them to expect a calm reaction out of me when they literally ripped the rug out from under me and cornered me into a volatile response. They told others that my emotional reaction to all of this was me ‘attempting to manipulate them.’…. I genuinely can’t figure out if this is true or not. I believe manipulation implies i had something to gain… but i didn’t- i just- didn’t understand anything, and i was angry and hurt and i wanted them to know that how they had handled this was wrong.
They told others that my reaction was extremely emotionally immature… and i just- don’t understand anything anymore.
Following they interaction, i went to my two other closest friends. I needed my support system. I was scared and alone. I didn’t try to manipulate the situation into something it wasn’t. I didn’t want that. I wanted objective opinions. I offered the situation in its full, explaining it and showing all the screenshots, asking for opinions and advice.
One of these people happened to be my ex best friends partner…. But they were my best friend as well. We were a trio, always going to each other. This is where the situation gets messy. Maybe i shouldn’t have gone to him- but he was also my best friend… i was equally as close with him as i was my other best friend. I called him in tears, showing him all the screenshots and telling him i didn’t know what to do. I specifically told him he didn’t have to choose sides, and i didn’t want that… but i did express my fear that he would stop being my friend too. I didn’t want him to choose sides, i didn’t care if he remained with my ex best friend. I just didn’t want to lose him too.
He read through the messages, and was so horrified by my ex-best friends behavior that he felt as though he couldn’t trust them anymore. He said it was like seeing a different side of them. I didn’t say or do anything, he came to his own conclusions after looking at the situation, and he even told me he has his own issues with them separately from my situation. I still repeatedly have reminded him that he doesn’t have to make any rash decisions just to defend me, and he says he knows that… but it’s his personal stuff as well. He took a break from my ex-best friend.
As of recent, my ex-best friend has been telling others that i am manipulative, and that i am rallying people against them. They’ve aired out my personal information to others… people i go to school with. Though they didn’t give names, everyone they are talking to knows our friend group very intimately. These people know exactly who they are talking about.
They have told people I’m a narcissist because my parents are too… they’ve said “they feel bad for me” for responding the way i did, because I’m ‘traumatized’, so of course my reactions would be emotionally immature. They’ve accused me of jumping to conclusions… they haven’t given the whole story to these people. They’ve only shown one screenshot towards the end of our argument where i finally snapped and said ‘fuck you’. They showed nothing that lead up to it… only me in my worst moment and not what they said to cause it.
And they’ve accused me of rallying the people around them against them. This is in now way the case… but even if was doing it on accident… (which i don’t think I’m doing.)
It would only be two people… one of which is my close friend and their acquaintance…. It’s almost as if they don’t want me to ask for support to anyone about this… but i feel as though I’ve been made into a terrible villain, even after reaching out a few days later and apologizing for getting so emotional. I told them i never wanted them to feel like they couldn’t be themselves around me, but they never communicated that so how would i have known? Even still… i apologized, but told them it wasn’t fair how they sprung it on me and asked them to maybe try to understand my reaction. They excused that by saying that they only had half a week of preparation… which doesn’t seem fair seeing as i only got 10 seconds.
Too long didn’t read: my best friend showed up at my house at 10:30 at night and dropped me, accused me of things (maybe?? I’m not even sure anymore??) and then accused me of manipulatively rallying people against them when i reached out to my two closest friends for support- when they’ve been doing the exact same thing.
Am i the asshole?
Please be honest here- i don’t need pity. I need truth. I’m lost and confused and I’ve never been more angry and hurt than i am right now and i don’t understand what the fuck is going on-.
What are these acronyms?
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Cupid
Pairing: Daryl Dixon x woc!reader
Summary: idfk Daryl + apocalypse + love
Warnings: canon typical violence, injury to reader, lots of hurt comfort, angst, nno specific plot
A/N: I just started watching twd and everybodys so attractive and traumatized, I don't know what to do with myself. Anyway enjoy, or don't.
******
When you first met Daryl, you very quickly learned to be cautious of him and his brother. The color of your skin caused unnecessary distress to the eldest brother, and he made sure everyone else was aware of this problem if he was in the mood.
You were tactful about avoiding him for the most part. Until Merle was missing. You weren’t particularly sad about it. You surely wouldn’t miss him, then you began to notice Daryl without worrying his brother was behind him.
He was quiet, withdrawn, helpful, kind in his own way. He was many things, maybe even a good man. The first time you found yourself around him on purpose, you’d been spooked. You ran to the first person you saw, which was Daryl and he pushed you behind him. You hardly realized the way you gripped onto him when he held up his bow an arrow to shoot the walker. Your heart was beating so loudly that when he told you ‘it’s dead now’ you barely heard him. And you didn’t get to thank him before Carol pulled you away.
The next day Daryl found ten perfectly carved wooden arrows outside his tent. He knew it was you. He never told you thank you though, he didn’t know how.
The next time he goes through a bunch of arrows again he finds more outside his tent, probably twenty, they’re perfect, each of them. He hates them. He doesn’t understand them. Which is why you find them thrown back at your feet, when he finds you at the creek washing clothes.
“I can carve my own arrows.” You look taken back slightly, but nod nonetheless.
“I’m aware.” You say trying your best to appear unruffled, but you were also well aware others were watching the two of you.
“You don’t need to be wastin’ your time makin’ these.” He nods to them. Then looks away from you when he sees your look of disappointment.
“I understand. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” Your reply is so soft he barely hears you, and he knows he’s a dick by how gutted you sound , but he can’t bring himself to pick the arrows back up so he just walks away.
You stay away from him again after that. Only near him when the group is all together, never making eye contact or standing too close.
*****
The next memorable interaction between Daryl and you is when Andrea shoots him. It was the most reckless thing you’d ever seen in your opinion, and you didn’t have a problem telling her so, much to the shock of the rest of the camp. You couldn’t help being so mad though, you’d finally found safety on the farm and you were a little upset to have it compromised. No other reason.
Someone must have told him when he woke up because when you pass by his tent for the tenth time in an hour, he calls you in. It’s awkward considering how little the two of you have spoken. He doesn’t ask you for anything, even though you offer plenty. He just reaches into his back pocket, hands you a sharp knife with an impeccable blade, tells you that he found it while he was in the woods and figured you’d have use for it.
He asks you to show him the technique you used when you carved his arrows. His way of apologizing you think. You tell him there wasn't a technique, but you let him watch you carve one and he realizes you’re so into it you don't recognize the method to your own madness, you’re just using it to cope, to create.
After that day he lets you carve his arrows, sometimes sitting with you while you do it. The two of you didn’t do much talking but you both appreciated the company.
******
“Raise your arm more.” Daryl tells you. You huff slightly not annoyed, just frustrated.
“It’s heavy.” You complain.
“You made it.” He counters, squatting beside you.
“Not for me.” You murmur. He sighs and takes the crossbow from you. Something you made mostly of wood and spare parts you found around the camp. It was really badass in Daryl’s opinions but for whatever girly reason you were embarrassed.
He had found it when he was looking for you, put away the best you could in your tent, but still it caught his eye. He wasn’t snooping, as you said he was.
Daryl can’t help but admire it, but that’s all he does. He won’t accept it as a gift, not something you put so much work into, so he offered to teach you how to use it instead. You regretted saying yes to that as your shoulder ached.
“Just somethin’ you gotta learn how to do now.” Is all he can offer, you only sigh while stretching your arms once more before taking the crossbow back from him.
“Hold up” You still, but you keep your arm lifted. You let him move the strands of curly hair out your face, some of them falling back to exactly where they were.
‘Alright now you can actually see the target.” You scoff, seeing how pleased he is with himself, but can’t help the amused smile that lights up your face.
“I hate you.” You say, with no bite behind it, but you can actually see the target now. You don’t hit it on the first ten tries, but when you finally do, you smile in triumph, pleased with yourself. You allow yourself that joy for a few seconds, you’ve forgotten Daryl at this point. Because you reload without so much as looking back at him and continue on until the sun is no longer in the sky. For a reason unknown to Daryl, this blooms a feeling of pride in his chest.
******
Sometimes you found yourself watching Daryl's arms. It wasn’t something you did purposefully, he’d be showing something to you and your eyes would just wander. It was a stupid habit that only caused you more trouble than you needed.
“Are you listenin’ to me?” No you were not.
“No.” Your cheeks heat up at your admission, your eyes finally making their way back up to his. “I’m sorry.” You catch the amused glint in his eyes and you know you were caught.
“It’s alright, we'll pick back up-” Daryl’s name is called before he can finish speaking. Shane and Rick nod him over and he gives you a quick look before walking over. They leave to make a run an hour later.
Everytime Daryl leaves you watch for him, waiting for him to get back. You wish you didn’t, but you couldn’t do anything else with him gone, too scared, too nervous. That’s how you end up in such a stupid accident. Falling off the roof of the RV had to be the most embarrassing thing you’d ever done, and stupid. You probably would have been able to just get up and dust yourself off with a few scratches and possibly some sore muscles if you hadn’t landed right on an arrow you’d carved while you waited.
You don’t cry out surprisingly, it’s probably shock. You’re barely aware of your surroundings as Dale and Andrea come from inside and rush you towards the house. You let them push you into the room and lay you on the bed, you let Hershel look at it, but the second he mentions pulling it out you panic, defensively covering it with your hands.
Carol is on the porch waiting for them to get back and they see the panic in her face before she has the chance to say anything. And Daryl sees that you aren’t on top of the RV like you usually are when he’s gone and he starts sprinting towards the house, the others are a close second behind him.
“No please.” You’re not crying still, but you’re panicked, blocking Hershel from getting to you.
“I just want to help you, but you gotta calm down.” Hershel tells you. You let out a series of no’s while you get out of bed. When Daryl finally makes it to the room and sees the situation, he feels a bit of relief. He’s sure you’re in pain and he hates that, but it’s better you be in pain than dead.
“How the hell did this happen?” Daryl asks, when you hear his voice, your head snaps towards him and you call for him.
There's a series of voices answering his question, but he ignores them all when Hershel says “She’s delirious, I need you to hold her down.”
“You gotta lay back down, sweetheart.” Daryl tells you, he walks to you slowly trying not to spook you, He’s never seen you so terrified and he knows the pain must be too much when you're malnourished and sleep deprived and he knows you give most of your rations to Lori.
“I don’t want them to take it out.” He knows you barely know what you’re saying. But he thinks you’re calming down some as your eyes grow wet. You clutch your side as the pain finally catches up with your senses.
“Just lay down and let me look at it.” If you weren’t so out of your mind in pain you’d realize that he was lying, but you were. You agree lying back down. Once you do he attempts to lift your shirt, but it’s stuck to the arrow that hasn’t been pulled out.
He sighs, his arm going around the top of your chest signaling Rick to grab your legs. “Baby, you’re gonna have to let him pull it out.” He sees your panic swell again but grabs your hand before you can do anything.
“Just breathe, okay.” When Hershel starts to go to work on your wound, you face Daryl’s chest as you quietly cry. “I know, I know.” He soothes. Daryl realizes that he doesn’t think he’s seen you cry often since all of this has started and it makes his chest ache a little.
When everything calms down after you pass out from the pain, and Hershel stitches up your wound Daryl finds himself sitting there still with his hand in yours. He doesn’t leave your side until your eyes open.
*****
Daryl gently touches your hair while you tell him about your life before infection. Your head is in his lap and he doesn’t even remember climbing into the bed with you. He allows himself the intimacy, says to himself that it’s to comfort you and not at all for him.
He doesn’t know when he started to feel so comfortable with you, but he thinks you have a way about you that would make any man break down his walls. It scares him. He hates it. He thinks you’re cupid, shooting him with arrows, making him love you.
“Were you with anyone before all this started?” You ask. He only shakes his head. You hum softly, your hands fidgeting with the hand of his that isn’t in your hair. After a while of silence Daryl realizes you fell back asleep, but he can’t bring himself to leave you just yet.
You’d lost so much blood in the day prior, more blood than he thought was survivable, but Hershel said you were fine. He couldn’t shake this feeling though, he just wanted you to be fine, he didn’t want to be scared.
When the herd came for the house Daryl felt panic constrict his throat in a new way. Chaos ensued as he looked for you. When he finally found you, you were holding your own with a group of walkers, he would have found the time to be proud if it weren’t for the way his heart was beating.
By the time you make it to his motorcycle, you killed nearly a dozen with his help. “Hurry the hell up.” He rushes, even though you’re hurrying to the best of your ability.
****
“Where is she?” Daryl asks as he walks through the prison, he doesn’t get an answer but he doesn’t need one as your head pops out at the sound of his voice.
He sees the betrayal in your eyes as you look at him, still he gets closer, just wanting to be near you. He starts to say your name, maybe to apologize, you’re not sure, and you don’t care. You shove him away from you. He comes back.
“You left.” Your voice betrays you, as it quivers. “We needed you here.”
“He’s my brother.” He tries to explain,
“And what are we?” Your voice rises, and it’s the first time you’ve ever yelled at him. It startles him slightly. “Are we not family?” You ask. “What am I?” Daryl clearly doesn’t have an answer for you.
“Baby-” He calls when you turn away, ignoring Merle’s presence as you did before. “Give her space.” Carol tells him. “She’ll come around.”
“What the hell did I miss, little brother?” Merle asks, only to be ignored.
When you finally come back from wherever you run off to, you don’t make a sound if Daryl or Merle speak to you. It’s like how it was before Merle left the first cam, except worse in so many ways.
Daryl just wants you to understand, he doesn’t know how you don’t. He wants to tell you it wasn’t personal, but the words don’t seem right. He works to find the right ones but it’s no matter, they’re aren’t any.
You’re holding baby ass kicker when he finally gets a moment with you. Everything that happens is usually so public to the group now that you have to stick together, so he knows that everyone knows what you mean to him. It’s unnerving.
“M’sorry.” You pause your actions momentarily before going back to tending to the baby. When you don’t so much as acknowledge him, he goes where you and ass kicker are before getting on his knees willing you to look at him.
“You gotta talk to me, alright? Even if you just want to yell or scream or hit me, give me somethin’” He pleads, he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. You exhale a shaky breath. “I’m sorry I pushed you earlier. Wasn’t right.” Daryl almost scoffs because of course you’re apologizing.
“Deserved it.” He whispers to you, still on his knees in front of you, waiting for your eyes to land on him. You shake your head in disagreement.
“If you leave again, or something happens…” You pause and Daryl wants to tell you nothing will happen and he won’t leave you but he can’t promise that to be true. “I want you to know that I love you,” You whisper. “It’s all I could think about since you left. How I should have told you- how I might never see you again.” When you finally look at him you see his tears, you know he’s hurting.
“I’m not trying to make this harder for you, I just wanted you to know.” He nods, holding his face in your lap, trying to gather his emotions. With the hand that’s not holding the baby you stroke his hair gently, allowing him to cry.
#daryl dixon#twd daryl#daryl x reader#the walking dead daryl#daryl dixion x reader#daryl dixon angst#fantasylandloserfic
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Unexpected
(my first fic omg!!)
☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎
☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎
Writing prompt: here
Pairing: f!reader x batboys
Word Count: 1.5k
Warnings: brief mentions of fighting, injury and blood, slight angst
Summary: You wanted to help, but made a mistake. Thankfully, your family understands
☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎
To my surprise, the training ring was empty. Usually it’s occupied by Cassian and Azriel. Or the Valkyries. But today I was lucky. I had just returned from a mission in Windhaven and needed to work off some rage. Those stubborn Illyrians! So narrow-minded and aggressive. I went there to make sure the girls and women got some training, but as always, it takes a lot of persuasion to get these bigots to actually train them. A few discussions later and maybe some fighting, I felt like beating them up again.
Anyway, I was relieved to be back in the House of Wind. I wouldn’t have to worry about them for a while and my mind could relax. Leaving my satchel on the golden sand of the training ground, I walked towards the centre. Already dressed in my fighting gear, I started throwing punches into the air, to release some of my tension. The sound of my breathing, the crunching of sand beneath my boots, the smell of dried blood on my clothing and nothing but the silence surrounded me.
Unfortunately, it didn’t last long. Recognising heavy footsteps behind me, I stopped and turned around, growling on the inside. Standing in front of me, was my older brother Cassian. Two heads taller, all muscled and with a look of amusement on his face. „Has the air done something, to upset you?“, a grin creeping upon his lips. „Maybe you did something to annoy me as usual.“, I countered, teasing him a bit. „We haven’t even seen each other today!“, he dramatically placed a hand on his chest in pain. I chuckled in response. „Don’t worry, I’m fine.“ Obviously, I didn’t sound very convincing, because he looked me up and down, as if searching for any wounds. His amusement and grin faded as he sniffed the air.
„Is that blood?“, asked Cass, alarmed. „Don’t worry, it’s not mine.“, I huffed, thinking about the man in the camp earlier, who refused to follow my orders. „Is that supposed to reassure me?“, he said, worry in his tone. It took all of my nerves, not to roll my eyes at him. „There are bloodstains on your clothes y/n! Tell me what happened.“, the anger in his voice better not to be ignored.
„Nothing bad happened. At least not really.“, I continued, feeling a little guilty. „I saw Rhysand’s request for women’s training on your desk this morning. There’s been so much going on in your life lately, with Nesta, your missions and your position as Commander. So I thought, I’d help you out and make sure those idiots follow your commands.“ He listened in silence. „Well, one of the men I was arguing with, repeatedly refused to train any woman… so maybe I lost my temper and lashed out.“ I could literally feel Cass’ distress. But also his fury. „He didn’t like that one bit.“, I said, laughing nervously. „We started wrestling on the ground and he tried to go for my throat, but I was faster, so my fist struck his jaw. The man lost some teeth and his blood spilled on my clothes. That’s how I got it, but I’m all right. Just like I told you.“ I held my head up high, as if protesting like a little child.
„You could’ve been seriously injured. I know your fighting is great. I trained you myself.“, he looked at me with brotherly love in his hazel eyes, „but you have to be more careful!“ I sighed. „And next time, I suggest you ask me, if there’s anything you can do to help. Otherwise, please keep your hands off my tasks, okay?“ He sounded concerned, but the anger in his eyes was definitely a warning. „´Cause if you don’t, then I'll have to deal with whatever you might have screwed up later, understand?“ I glared at him, feeling like an immature child, being disciplined by its father. But after a while, I agreed with him. „Oh, and could you please not tell Rhys about this accident?“, I pleaded, looking up at him with big doe eyes.
„Tell me what?“, a sinister voice asked, before Cass had a chance to answer. We turned, to see Rhys and Azriel walking towards us with long strides. Damn it…
Azriel’s shadows surrounded me in an instant, as if to make sure everything was alright. Goosebumps spread down my neck, as they swirled up and down my body. With a pleading look in my eyes, I looked up at Cassian. He shifted his reproachful gaze from his brothers down to me. „Cassian!“, I warned him, „Don’t you dare.“ His eyebrows shot up, as if to say they’re my brothers! I won’t lie to them!
I know, I've done something wrong. But does the High Lord really need to know about it?
Az and Rhys exchanged some puzzled glances, while I scowled at Cass.
„Why do you smell of blood?“, Rhys suddenly asked in a serious tone, sniffing the air. Before I could answer him, Cass cut me off. „She smells like that, because she completed the mission, you assigned me to do this morning.“ Great! Thanks brother! „You went to Windhaven?“, Rhysand’s voice was like the calm before a storm. A shiver ran down my spine. The tension was building around the three of us. With guilt in my voice I replied: „Yes, I did. I only wanted to help Cass with his duties.“ I tried not to look down at my feet.
„Some things got out of hand, but in my defense, you Illyrians can be pretty stubborn!“ „You had a little fight, didn’t you?“, Rhys stated, unable to hide his smirk. Unwilling to meet his eyes any longer, I turned my gaze to his jacket. My eyes followed the silver threads on it. Rhys studied me for a moment, before speaking. „If you wish to work more y/n, just let me know, okay?“ Sympathy flashed in his violet eyes, as I gathered the strength to look up again. „I’m sure, we’ll find something for you.“ I swallowed, not sure what to answer.
„It was kinda foolish, wasn’t it?“ „Y/n, you’re still young. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. We’ll make sure everything goes well in Windhaven.", he assured me. "Please leave that in our hands.“ I nodded. „We could also tell you many stories about your brother and his nonsense, when he was your age.“, Azriel interrupted. His cheeks turning slightly red, Cass intervened: „That’s not for her ears, Az!“ „I’d love to hear those stories one day.“, I chuckled, glad the tension was easing. „Oh, I think she’s old enough, Cas.“, Rhys smiled. „I dare you to tell her!“ A laugh escaped my lips at his defensiveness. „We’ll see about that, but for now let’s go to lunch.“, he demanded. „Elain and Feyre have cooked something for us today. And my stomach is already rumbling.“ With a sigh of relief, that the subject was over for today, Cassian relented and walked to the edge of the training ring. Grinning, I picked up my bag and followed them. Silently thanking Rhys for his understanding and support.
☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎
After a quick shower, I now sat at the table, eating the meal, Feyre and Elain had cooked for us. It tasted absolutely delicious. My eyes wandered around and caught Mor stealing some vegetables from Az’ plate. Elain talking to Feyre about some art designs. I closed my eyes to enjoy this moment with my family.
A deep, rumbling laugh to my left, brought me back to the ongoing conversation. „I wouldn’t do that, if I were you!“, Cas pointed his fork at Rhysand. „My little sister is perfectly capable of defending herself.“ Pride in his voice. Rhys turned his attention to me. „Y/n, at least tell me, you’ve given that guy a lesson about what happens, when he doesn't respect women?“ „I kicked some of his teeth out. Was that enough?“, I asked with an innocent smile. „I wouldn’t want to fight with you.“, Feyre grinned, as she cut a piece of meat in half. Her mate spoke, while holding his wine glass: „Well, it doesn’t hurt them to be put in their place occasionally.“ He gave me a knowing wink and I blushed.
The conversation went on, until Az began to tell a story about an embarrassing event, that happened to my older brother recently. He stopped abruptly, when Cass lunged forward and tried to silence him. The others, myself included, were still sitting at the table, all laughing at the ridiculous scene that was unfolding in front of us. Cass and Az were rolling around on the floor in an attempt to fight each other. Mor and Rhys already started betting on who was going to win. All the laughter around me, warmed me to the depths of my soul. The man in the camp already forgotten. The tension from earlier today, completely gone by now. Tears of joy welled up in my eyes. I made a mental note, to always remember this beautiful moment with my family. Because right now, they’re all that matters.
☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎☾⭐︎☽⭐︎
Omg, can't believe it right now! I posted my first fanfiction ever! I'm so excited :)
If anybody reads this, I hope you liked it! I'm always open to improvements and criticism. Although I'm new here, feel free to send me requests if you want. I'd love that :) Also, English is my second language, so if there are any mistakes, I'm sorry...
#acotar#acomaf#acowar#acofas#acosf#acotar oneshot#acotar fanfiction#acotar fic#acotar x reader#acotar fandom#acotar fluff#acotar bat boys#fluff#a bit angsty#angst#first fanfic#first fic
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[“Alex tells me he had long been aware of the existence of transsexuals, and he had even contemplated transitioning earlier in his life. He had known a couple of people over the years who had transitioned, but he had no idea of how to go about doing so, and he lacked the money and the wherewithal.
In the early 1990s, “the conversation changed,” he says, making it possible for him to contemplate transitioning. He heard about support groups for transgender men. FTM groups were forming in San Francisco and Seattle. A burgeoning “queer” movement was challenging the dominance of radical feminist ideas and was offering female-assigned individuals who wished to embrace their inner maleness a way to do so affirmatively, with a sense of pride. Writers and activists like Sandy Stone and Kate Bornstein were talking about a different, more expansive understanding of the radical potential of gender switching, rejecting medicalized notions of trans people as having the “wrong body,” or as being mentally deficient. The term “transgender” was established as a way to move beyond the medical model of “transsexualism” and to include a broad array of gender-variant persons who wished to challenge the binary. It enabled Alex to call himself transgender.
“I did not want to have to say I was ‘crazy.’ I don’t even like saying I’m dysphoric, though I fit the narrative,” says Alex. “I didn’t start T until I found a very good doctor who didn’t demand a letter from a therapist. I wouldn’t confess dysphoria in order to get access to top surgery. I won’t do it. Why would I want to make myself even more marginal?” However, once there was a “weakening of pathology, of judgment,” he decided to move forward.
Meanwhile, Kristin, Alex’s closest friend, settled in Seattle after graduation, where she found an accepting culture and a lively butch presence in the lesbian community. She worked for a state representative, and when she visited the state capitol to lobby on his behalf, people sometimes perceived her “as a boy.” But mainly she felt okay about looking different, and she fell in love with a woman, Jennie, who affirmed her right to be who she was. Kristin is pretty flat chested and small hipped, and “looks like she wants to,” more or less. She presented as a masculine female. It helped that her family tended to be supportive. “Even though I don’t really operate as a woman, I operate in the sphere of women, and there were a lot of really strong women in my big Polish family!” Also her dad, now deceased, was queer, and her brother (who appears in this book) is a transgender man.
Because Kristin, unlike Alex, received a lot of support for her gender nonconformity, she said it never became a major source of distress for her—which isn’t to say that it hasn’t been a challenge at times. She contemplated transitioning for a while but eventually made peace with her body. Being in therapy helped. “I thought that my anxiety was special and everyone else was normal,” she tells me. But as she found ways to ease her generalized sense of anxiety, she became more comfortable with her body and her gender nonconformity. “I thought, ‘Why do I care so much about what other people think about my gender?’ I have a right. I have a fucking right to be who I am,” she tells me, her voice cracking.
And as she became more comfortable with herself, she found ways to deal with bathroom confrontations. “Now when people come up to me and tell me I’m in the wrong bathroom, sometimes I look my body up and down and look at them quizzically and say, ‘Oh, really?’ Thanks!” She makes light of it. “The more comfortable I am, the more likely they are to think I’m in the right place and leave me alone. Now it’s even funny at times.” But airports, she says, are still particularly challenging. Heightened security seems to extend to the policing of gendered bodies in bathrooms. The other day, a blond woman in her fifties came over to her as she entered a bathroom stall and started yelling, “You’re in the wrong place—the men’s room is over there.” Kristin just smiled and said, “Thank you,” and the woman left in a hurry.
“I get why some people transition,” says Kristin, “to be normal, and not have people gawking at you all day. It takes a whole lot of energy.” Still, she came to the conclusion that transitioning would not solve her problems, and that it might open up new, unknown challenges.
Alex, on the other hand, made the decision to modify his body and present as a male, and it has made his life much easier. He no longer gets harassed walking down the street, and he’s no longer as angry. “I still look young,” he tells me, “but at least the beard and receding hairline prove I’m through puberty!” He is much happier now, he says. “I honestly don’t feel I’ve changed that much. That is, ‘transitioning’ didn’t change me so much as it forced others to see me as I saw myself. Yes, the bodily transformations were welcome and comforting. I felt that I was finally ‘home.’ But how do you separate that feeling from the sense that you’re finally recognized by others for how you see yourself?”]
arlene stein, from unbound: transgender men and the remaking of identity, 2018
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getting something off my chest
hey everyone. it’s late at night and i’m very very scatterbrained as of writing this but i figure i’d just throw this into the void because i have nothing else to do. i don’t usually vent publicly but im so mentally distressed right now that i just want to get my story out there. i have decided that for my own peace i am no longer comfortable staying silent about this because the person who abused me did so with every intention of me not speaking out about it. i ask that you do not use this post to make speculative content or anything, please just be respectful. i just want people to know that this shit happened to me and it ruined my life.
trigger warning as i will be discussing incidents of abuse & grooming & horrible, genuinely life ruining manipulation that i was the victim of. these are not light trigger warnings at all, the subject matter handled here within this post is very blatant and if you are rightfully scared about seeing those topics discussed in a post i suggest you keep scrolling.
i need to warn you that i will not be using this persons online name. this isn’t to protect their identity. this is because i literally cannot type it or think about it or else i will enter a mental episode. so yeah. needless to say, if you know a certain timeline of events that’s happened to me you will instantly know who i am talking about and that’s all you need. for the record, i was a minor when this all happened. they were in their 20s.
a few months ago i, very publicly, cut ties with someone in my life who had been exposed for grooming a person. as i uncovered more evidence about them that turned into several people. what i did not realize at the time is that i was one of their many victims, and i also did not realize that i had been abused at all. that’s because they hid their own abuse of me from me.
it’s important that you know that due to a repeated amount of trauma in my life i have severe memory issues that tend to make me forget large gaps of time, along with me having dissociative fugues at set times due to that being when traumatic events have happened to me.
i knew this person far before i even thought of them as a serial abuser. back then they were my best friend and i discussed things regarding my mental health to them, believing they’d gone through a similar experience, and we’d do this as kind of a joint coping thing. now, i have mental conditions that i shared with them that i would never think to share to anyone else because they’re perceived as “inherently evil” disorders and there’s a lot of ableism around them that makes me apprehensive at best to share my experiences with having them to the public even amongst this era of mental health acceptance because of the stigma still surrounding them, but to them i shared my experiences with those disorders thinking i could trust them
and they would then turn around and use those disorders as an in to groom me.
they knew that these certain disorders were something i never wanted publicized and in order for me to call them out, i would essentially have to out myself for having those disorders in order to find peace. this is why i’m keeping my language so vague as it’s letting them win if i disclose this information about myself so just understand that.
what i mean by “they used my disorders to groom me” is that, i shared to them the certain times i would enter my dissociative states just so they would know not to message me then, as during those times i’m very susceptible to being overly agreeable and just generally having repressed trauma come back. so they knew about the times when this would happen. they were aware of the exact times .
then, during one of those times they messaged me.
they basically used my disconnection from reality as an in to groom me into their sexual fantasies and use my agreeable nature when i’m in that state to get me to roleplay with them. this is already disgusting because this is an adult and a minor. but even IF minors could consent - which they can’t - then thsi is still fucking sexual assault as i LITERALLY COULD NOT BE IN THE RIGHT MINDSET TO GIVE CONSENT. then when everything was done they went back and deleted all of their messages they sent to me, again with them being the one to initiate these extremely inappropriate advances
they would message me after i had calmed down from that state, with only the messages i sent remaining, only to push the blame on me, as if i were the one to make all that happen . they would say shit like “haha you acted so weird last night” and because they were my friend and i thought i did something bad, i laughed it off, but didn’t know how it kept happening, again, my brain does not work like a normal persons does due to trauma so i only connected that something happened after the fact
then this happened another 2 times. then another five times. and then it just kept happening
by the time they’d decided i wasn’t fun to abuse anymore, it was feburary of 2023
and they’d done this to me a total of, from what i can recall, 21 times. not that exact numbers matter, but that’s 20 more times than it takes to realize you should not have done this to someone. there is no excuse for this. they knew what they were fucking doing and that was fun for them.
i had been their friend for just shy of 2 years by then. and given that they called me their best friend and i did the same we talked about literally everything together.
i regret talking to them at all so fucking much now. because now every piece of media that i love that ive EVER talked to them about is just . forever ruined for me. because i see it and i think of them.
seeing the video games i liked at the time now makes me sick. i cant ever watch certain movies even if i loved them. because we talked about quite literally everything and anything the number of media i have to turn to for comfort can only be counted on one hand. aside from that small pool of things they have ruined so many fucking things for me aside from just media that this is going to take years and years to heal from.
i called them out on the biggest platforms i have and they refused to take accountability until i pressured everyone that knew them into confessing publicly. there for a few hours, a few very painful hours, people accused me of bullshitting. for lying for clout. they eventually did confess to everything being true, aside from my experience as i wasn’t aware what was happening at the time . only recently over the past few months have i had the strength to gather a timeline of events together and realize the nightmare scenario id been trapped in this whole time without even knowing it.
when they apologized, they did the usual influencer “i’ve been called out as a fucking pedo” song and dance of trying to dodge strays.
they said “they’d seek help”. “i’m getting therapy”.
yeah fucking right you are, you piece of shit.
do you want to know what you’d be doing if you actually wanted to take accountability? you’d fucking turn yourself in. either that or you’d be completely gone from the face of the earth in whichever way that manifests, and i wouldn’t care about how you’d go about doing it but in the case that you died or were put behind bars where you’ve belonged for fucking years, maybe then i’d be able to find peace.
but no. you’re getting help.
so go ahead. live your stupid fucking offline life.
but if i hear that you did to others what you’ve done to me, so help me god you will pay for it.
i have no real way to conclude this.
i’m just tired.
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I love this game so much! It's becoming one of my hyperfocuses! Is it okay if I ask you a few questions?
1- Do you plan to make an Android version?
2- How would Jack react to an MC who is extremely sensitive to sounds? (I never see anyone talking about the subject..)
Sorry if there are any writing errors, I'm from Brazil..
Hey there! Thank you for your questions :3
1. I do plan on making an android version of this game but probably not anytime soon as I first want to complete the game, then get a full Spanish translation of the game, THEN make an android version. However, it does seem like a lot of work that I’m no where near qualified to do so it may take a couple years before this comes to life. ;-;
2. AS FOR THIS, I, myself, have a sensitivity to sounds and even a fear of loud sounds (like the vacuum, blender, thunder, movie theaters)- I tend to wear noise canceling headphones in public because of this. I never thought of making an mc with this fear/sensitivity, but now I’m reconsidering because you are right, you don’t see this subject talked about often :/ But in terms of how Jack would react to this: he would be very understanding and even try to comfort the MC in times of distress over this. He’d probably carry a pair of NC earbuds/headphones on him in cause the MC were to ever forget their pair. :)
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I came across a post about Mal Oretsev being portrayed well as “a former soldier” and it suddenly hits me. The things that I haven’t understood yet at that time make more sense now, but I’m not sure I’m able to express them clearly.
As I remember, the OP said something about the soldiers (especially those who have been trained and been one since they were a child like Mal) being “mission-minded”, they “don’t have time for romantic gestures” so the way they show their love is how hard they focus on tasks and work on the mission for their loved one’s benefits. (That’s why I can understand some people see other people be the better match for her because those people in question either has very long life experience or grows up in the different upbringing, which makes them have different ways to cope with stress or show romantic gestures, like giving flowers or gifts; meanwhile, Mal is about using his words - very solemnly, he basically pledged his loyalty and devotion to Alina, and his actions).
And that’s what Mal does in this season. The way he emphasized not just once about the importance of finding the Firebird, destroying the Fold, we can see his growing frustration when things went off the rails. Then he found out the truth about the identity of the Firebird, knowing that he had to sacrifice his life; ironically, he is the one who urged others to the direction of killing him as quickly as possible, the fastest way to gain Alina more power, to destroy the Fold, to complete the mission, for HER. With his restlessness, and even growing to distant following every next episode of season 2, we could barely see him relax or even smile much (as well as the fun Malina banters in ss1 we adored so much) since things got heater and heater. Being with Alina possibly is the only moments he let himself loose, allows himself to be in peace in the middle of the battlefield, to be slow, to be gentle, that's how their intimate scenes were portrayed. But also it’s the reason why we saw him constantly try so hard to pull away from her, “because if I let myself feel a thing, I’d never find the Firebird - the one thing you need.”
Let’s get another example is that Zoya Nazyalensky. She is a soldier. She had no interest in romantic relationships and even showed a lot of eye rolls at the whole “we betraying our countries for love” between Nina/Matthias (and the whole concept of love in general). She remained being fixed on her goal - saving and fighting for Ravka. She was clearly distressed at the loss of her family, but she didn't let it show clearly and continued appearing to be strong so she could get things done for the sake of her country. Then there's Mal, who was dumped traumas after traumas, then had to witness the love of his life be engaged to someone else, but he put all his feeling aside everytime to do the right thing, to protect Alina. Despite different motivations and purposes, Mal and Zoya also have a lot in common about their mindset and their manners, shutting off their emotion and their pain for the greater good, constantly and restlessly moving forward to “fight for what matters most to” them. For Zoya, it’s Ravka, her country. For Mal, it’s Alina. BECAUSE SHE’S HIS FLAG, SHE’S HIS NATION.
#i have a lot of thoughts about mal oretsev and malina i have to let it out#have been losing my mind for days for how much he loves her#how much they love each other#because I'd choose him over ANYONE#mal oretsev#malyen oretsev#alina starkov#malina#shadow and bone
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[UPDATE] AITA for trying to keep my friend safe?
Hi, I have an update regarding the last post I made. First of all, I’m going to start referring to my friend as S and my brother as K. Second, people have asked me a few questions, so I thought I’d answer them here since I haven’t had a lot of time to properly respond.
How did you twist the truth? / How bad was the lie?
I had convinced S that we’d be going away temporarily. Basically, I had done some pretty messed up stuff at the time, but was trying to get better. I didn’t feel like anyone really had any faith in me to improve, and the people I thought would be understanding and supportive didn’t quite believe me, including K. I told S that he and I were going to wait for everything to calm down before he and I would return. Of course, we never did, and when he found out he was quite upset. I got him to calm down and we came to an understanding, though.
Were you his legal guardian/next of kin?
When S’s mother was killed in a hit-and-run (long story, somewhat my fault), my parents took him in. I’m the eldest sibling in the family, so this would make me his legal older brother, I suppose. Regardless of that, people seem to insist that what I did was kidnapping.
With all that out of the way, lets get to the actual follow-up.
Basically, in between then and now I decided to go to a friend’s (~24, M) house to lay low and get some supplies. Let’s call this friend R. He and I met around six years ago, and even if we don’t talk often anymore, we’re still close. He helped me find a place to live after S and I decided to go into hiding, along with helping me hide my identity (S didn’t go out often if at all, so that wasn’t a problem for him). R doesn’t know I’m wanted by the police since he lives relatively off the grid and doesn’t watch the news often.
The thing is that I hadn’t told R about why S and I were going into hiding. When everything was initially happening five years ago, I had lied to R about my situation at home in order to “explain” why S and I were injured (explanation isn’t relevant, just know that S’s injuries have nothing to do with me whatsoever). On top of my stress regarding my current situation and the fact I’m having to lie so much to R, I feel like I’m failing to keep the promise to keep S safe that I had mentioned last post. I guess my distress was pretty noticeable since R asked me about it, and I trust him a lot, so I decided to tell him the truth behind everything. I dispelled all of the lies and told him what was going on.
He reacted very, very poorly to all of this. Obviously, I’m pretty upset with his reaction, especially considering that I thought he’d be understanding of everything. We start fighting with each other, at first verbally, but when he goes to call the police it escalates into physical violence. It’s still a bit blurry for me, but a gun ends up getting involved and he and I start fighting over it. One thing leads to another and, well, I end up shooting and killing him on complete accident.
I feel absolutely awful for killing him. I had no intention of hurting him at all—I had expecting everything to go well at the start, too. But I was also within my right to not only defend myself but also keep him from reporting my location to the authorities. He definitely would’ve held me at gunpoint to keep me in place had I not tried taking the firearm from him. Still, I did kill him, even if it was unintentional.
I’m starting to think that I’ve really been fucking everything up for the last few years now, but what else could I have done other than what I ended up doing? AITA?
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here’s a much needed life updates post! even though generally speaking not a whole lot has happened lol
life has been pretty difficult since i lost my grandpa truthfully. it’s been a lot of struggling since then. lately in particular (as in the last few months) i’ve been struggling mentally more than ever. i think im going through one of those really painful transitional/growth periods (which figures, it’s about time for my saturn return) but i also think i am neurodivergent in some way? as in im like 99.99999% sure i am neurodivergent. i can’t think of any other explanation for the way my brain works and for the way i am struggling.
it’s weird because i have a lot of guilt about exploring the idea of possibly being neurodivergent. i’ve been talking with my doctor about it and every time we’re done talking i feel like im a liar or that im manipulating her or others into believing i could be neurodivergent in order to have an excuse for just not being a good person, friend, daughter, sister etc. i’ve been talking with her about OCD specifically. there are a lot of things im learning about OCD that i relate to and that have been completely taking over my life since the death of my grandfather. but i also relate to a lot of the traits of autism, so truthfully i don’t really know what’s going on and not knowing has been isolating and sort of difficult and scary. i have this intense need to know what’s “wrong” with me or why i act/think/feel the way i do. i think that in and of itself is a symptom but i’ve always been that way. i think i have trouble relinquishing control. and lately i just feel very out of control. my work, friendships, family life, self esteem, and everything all just feel extremely unstable lmao and i know the primary reason is me. because i’m always bracing for the next terrible thing to happen and i’m always worried about ruining everything or hurting someone or i don’t even know what. i worry every moment that i am awake.
i’ve been adjusting my meds under the advice of my doctor and a psychiatrist and im trying to get back into therapy but god is it intimidating lol! i don’t know why! i think the thought of starting all over with a new therapist just scares me a lot. i know i have to do it though because i can’t manage this on my own anymore at all. and i have no idea how to make it any better or manage my stress. so physically and mentally im doing really poorly. i think maybe worse than ever. but i’m alive lol and i’m trying to get back to a point where i feel ok and not so paranoid and distressed all the time. im just trapped in this horrible cycle. it’s really frustrating. and i just want to understand why but i don’t for now and i have to be ok with that.
it isn’t all bad though lol and i do have things to look forward to. im trying my best to build and deepen new relationships so i feel less isolated. being agoraphobic in your early 20s really does a number on your social life!!! i managed to get beyoncé tickets and im planning on flying to visit some of my closest friends later this year. so i have things to look forward to and that helps keep me going on the days where i just want to give up. it’s hard 😅 but hopefully it won’t be this hard for too much longer and i’ll be able to look back on this time period and feel proud of myself for pushing past it. because right now truthfully i just feel ashamed and sad most of the time. i think shame and guilt are like my primary emotions lol. and just general tiredness. but i’m trying my best to claw my way out of it
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Quick Thoughts - The Phantom of the Opera - London - May 29, 2023
I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to see Phantom in London! The last time I saw Phantom was the last public performance, which was an extremely emotional performance (I wrote my thoughts up here).
The main trio was Jon Robyns, Holly-Anne Hull and Matt Blaker. I’m putting the rest of the post under a read more cut, because it got very long.
I was really thrown off by the tempo of the music. It would be slightly faster than I was used to (which, for the record, I don’t have a problem with!!) but then, for certain lines, the tempo would slow almost to a crawl?? I don’t understand the rational behind it.
Holly-Anne Hull is a lovely Christine. She does have the head in the clouds aspect to her character, which makes you understand why she’d wholeheartedly believe that her father really did send the Angel of Music to her. She has a delicate, ‘floaty’ quality to her soprano. She does live up to the hype.
I saw Matt Blaker as Raoul the previous time I saw the London production. I’m so glad he remains such an awesome Raoul. He had such wonderful details. I especially loved in the dressing room scene, how he says the line “you must change, and I must get my hat - two minutes … Little Lotte.” He starts almost on his way out the door, and he turns, his hand holding on to the door frame and leaning towards Christine (like he’s Gene Kelly in Singin’ in the Rain) to gently call Christine ‘Little Lotte.’ It was so goofy and sincere!
I walked in without knowing much about Jon Robyn’s take on the Phantom. I walked out thinking that he is a perfectly serviceable Phantom. He’s got choices I think are interesting, choices that confuse me, and choices I don’t enjoy. I think if I saw his Phantom frequently, I would probably end up appreciating his characterization more.
Vocally, I would say that Jon Robyns is one of the weaker Phantoms I have seen. There can be a strained and nasally quality that I find distracting. For reasons that I do not understand, his prerecorded singing sounded worse than his live singing. Additionally, I want to note, that his singing got better as the show went on and he did hit all of the money notes with no apparent issue.
But for me, vocals do not make or break a Phantom! Let’s discuss acting choices!
The first lair started off rocky. I prefer my Phantoms to move gracefully and fluidly and Jon Robyns did not deliver on that front. I was disappointed by the lack of details. The cape flip lacked pizazz, it just flopped down on the boat. The movements felt mechanic in the first half.
I did like that during the line ‘touch me, trust me’ Holly oh so slowly brought her hand to the masked side of the Phantom’s face. Jon then covers Holly’s hand with his own and in that moment, you can see how happy he is. When Holly turns her face towards his, Jon quickly turned his face away and pulled her towards the mirror bride.
London doesn’t do the catch anymore? When did this change??? I swear last year, they did the catch?
Just when I was thinking to myself “I don’t recall a Phantom choosing to sing the lines “Damn you! Curse you” in Stranger Than You Dreamt It” he started chuckling????? Like he was the goddamn Joker????? You could have knocked me over with a feather.
After the mask return, Jon’s Phantom made a sudden movement and it made Holly’s Christine flinch. It made me sad, as this moment is usually played almost weirdly-tender.
I just love Matt’s Raoul and Holly’s Christine together. Their All I Ask of You was perfection (weird tempo aside). I really love it when Raouls kiss the hand of Christine when they go down the stairs before the reprise starts, and Matt did it here.
Ok, so the reprise. It’s a lot angrier than I’m used to. During the bit when Raoul and Christine are singing, Jon made the acting choice to indicate the Phantom’s distress and sadness by using his left hand to hit himself three times on the side of the head in rapid succession (please note this decision; it is a surprise tool we will use for later).
Holly delivered an amazing performance of Wishing. That last note in ‘Help me say goodbye’ was so strong and powerful.
I had no idea what to expect from the Final Lair. I knew Jon Robyns was playing the Phantom with a violent, unpredictable streak, but his Phantom also likes to cry. We got some angry crying in this Final Lair.
Does it make me a bad person that I have to stifle laughter every time the Phantom’s face falls when Christine sings ‘tears of hate’? All of them always go from glee to such despair in 5 seconds.
During the like “why make her lie to you…” Jon made the acting choice to indicate the Phantom’s distress and sadness by using his left hand to hit himself three times on the side of the head in rapid succession (you see!!!! Paralells!!!!)
Matt Blaker coming in with the details. When he is let go from the nose, he did a nose dive to the ground. He was not moving for a good 10 seconds. He only got up because Holly helped him up. AND THEN he goes in to step in between Holly and Jon because he knew he had to protect her!!!! Guys!!!!! We do not deserve Matt Blaker’s Raoul!!!!
Jon did not do a repeated I love you which really surprised me (in a good way!) He instead made the choice to sob into the veil (which is a real mood btw)
#I have more observations#but I'm sleepy and I have to catch the plane tomorrow#so I'm calling this good enough#poto london#quick thoughts#jon robyns#holly anne hull#matt blaker
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Supernatural Magazine Interview with Crossroads Demon Sandra McCoy
I'm sure you're probably aware that Sandra McCoy played the Crossroads Demon from the season 3 episode "Bedtime Stories", and that she was Jared Padalecki's ex before he met and married Genevieve. I thought it'd be interesting to share tidbits of her interview with Supernatural Magazine from Issue 6 (Oct/Nov 2008), pages 31 to 36. Yes, this interview was after they broke up earlier that year. [x]
"So tell us, how did you get the part of the Crossroads Demon on Supernatural?"
"I had auditioned for the role, prior to that and I’d gotten pretty close but, from my understanding because of the nature of my and Jared's relationship, they wanted to wait for the perfect role, something the fans would like to see.
"What were the other roles you auditioned for?"
"I actually auditioned for the role of Jessica in the pilot. That was a long time ago, I'd gotten a callback for that, but I think they wanted to go with a taller person! And obviously Adrianne Palicki was perfect for It; she did a great job, I also auditioned for the role of Sarah [In Provenance]. who everyone loved, but I didn't get that. I don't think anyone wants to see Jared and I Kiss! And after that I went for the role of Carmen [in What is And What Should Never Be] who was supposed to kiss Jensen. I don't think anybody wanted to see Jensen and I kiss, either! Finally the producers booked me for the role I think I was the least like, and the least prepared for. I mean, I’ve never played anything like that. I think I'm better at the damsels In distress or the good girls; that's what I know!
"It was such a shock when Sam shot you at the end! That must have been weird to film"
"It wasn't so bad to shoot, only because we were nowhere near each other. I was looking right at camera and he was looking right at camera, and neither of us were standing right behind the camera for safety reasons. So he was pointing a gun at me, which was strange, but for the actual shooting we were probably 30 feet away from each other."
"So it wasn't as if he was actually shooting you, then."
"No, no, we weren't looking each other in the eye when he pulled the trigger. I don’t know what that could have done to him mentally! Jared did a great job with the scene, it was one of my favorite ones of his. So, yeah, we were nowhere near each other at the time. [Laughs]"
"What was it like acting with him? You know him as Jared but he's playing Sam. Are they like each other in real life?"
"You know, he's not too much like Sam, I don't think. I've watched every single episode of the show, so I know the Sam character and I know Jared very well. So It wasn't weird; It was actually easier for me to remember that when I looked at him because I acknowledge their differences, working with him was the most terrifying experience of my life because I've been on that set plenty of times, so I know the crew really well. I didn't want to let [Jared] down!"
"We heard you wore a T-Shirt at a Supernatural convention that read '"'Mrs. Jensen Ackles'."
"The Jensen one was at Austin or somewhere, Jared and I tease each other a lot and obviously Jensen is some of my ammo. He's not an un-good-looking guy! [Laughs] I like to support the conventions, to go the vendors and buy things. I got a trucker hat last time."
"So what did you think when you first saw him?"
"Oh my goodness, you don't want to know. We had a very interesting meeting. We weren't too fond of each other and It was all so rushed. Jared arrived a week late to the set, as he was finishing a movie. By that time all the cast and crew had started to mesh and get along. He arrived and I figured I’d go up and introduce myself. He was a little tired and in a bad mood and I was super-bubbly and excited; It was the first acting job I'd ever got, because at the time I was only dancing. So I was thrilled. He was straight onto another film without getting a break to see his family and whatnot, so we were just on very different levels, I think. So I found him rude and he found me annoying! [Laughs]"
"Is it correct you're a member of MENSA?"
"Yes. My mother was a MENSA member and it was a thing I wanted to do when I grew up. too. I had no idea what to expect when I sat the test… I do a lot of logic puzzles and just love anything like that, brainteasers and whatnot, so I figured I should try it. Luckily I got In!"
#Sandra mccoy#Supernatural magazine issue 6#Jared Padalecki#spn family#supernatural#crossroads demon#magazine interview#Jared Sandy#Sarah Blake
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(same anon) so if i punch myself in moments of distress, even if i do my best to NOT punch myself- would that be a tic? this is something that happens when im in extreme distress and a lot of the time no matter how hard i try i still end up punching myself in the face rather hard. its really one of the only things that happens to me that even resembles a tic so it confuses me
I’m really sorry you go through that, having struggles with the impulsion to self-harm can be scary and isolating
Self-injury and self-harm are not “voluntary” in the sense that you willingly chose to hurt yourself and that’s what you wanted to do. I don’t think anyone WANTS to hit themselves, its just the only way they feel they can get relief. when they have no control over their environment or what is happening to them, in response to abuse, and because they learned that self-hitting or self-injuring provides a very temporary sensation of relief or distraction. that doesn’t mean it’s good, but a lot of people resort to it when they feel trapped and under attack
By saying self-injury isn’t always a tic, I never meant to imply it’s not real or serious or a very hard thing to have to deal with. People who self-soothe by injuring themselves deserve compassion and understanding, they are the most likely to be brutalized by police or hospitalized involuntarily. people who tic are subjected to the same level of scrutiny and are more likely to be labeled as dangerous, too, because ppl are uneducated about both and conflate them.
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MAG 170 Relisten
Activity on my first listen: moved to the next plant, now cutting the French tamarisk in my garden.
Aw man, I remember briefly stepping back into the house during this episode and described it to my spouse as "I don't know if I should laugh or cry" xD Like how often do we have to go through this, how many painful memories try to seep through? When I was listening again last year while cutting the hedges I started work in the morning with this episode and was like "Oof, what a way to start a day..." (the following day started with MAG 177, so not that much better xD). And every time I'm surprised how often Martin's memories get reset here, every time it makes me think of that not knowing if I should laugh or cry again.
MARTIN: "Oh! Hello. (bit of a halting laugh) …What are you?"
There's already static during the first of these hellos. And as far as I remember there is always static at the end there when Martin seems to remember, only to forget everything again.
MARTIN: "Can’t tell through the – fog, sometimes. You feel – n,not friendly. Familiar?"
Right at the beginning letting us know that it's the Lonely. Also, that statement about the recorder. Not friendly, but familiar. Of course, they've been using them for 2 years, but still don't know what they actually are. Martin's comment on them not being friendly though, he’s acting rather intuitive here and is pretty much always right about it... After all, the Web isn’t necessary friendly to them. It simply needs them for its own purposes. And right now, it needs Jon to carry on and not lose Martin to the Lonely.
MARTIN: "But it’s not – not, not really"
NOT REALLY! (Haha, fun fact, I used that exact same structure this weekend and my spouse immediately called me out on it xD I totally wouldn't have noticed xD)
MARTIN: "Maybe you’re blank as well, same as me."
T__T (a lot of that episode's probably gonna be like this...)
MARTIN: "Like – like, like when I try to think back, to focus – um, focus on – um –"
[HE’S TRYING VERY HARD TO REMEMBER.]
[STATIC SWELLS.]
MARTIN: (pleasantly surprised) "Oh, oh! Oh. Hello! What are you;"
Ah yes, remembered right, everytime there's static. It iiis kind of funny because usually this static is used for the Eye not the Lonely.
MARTIN: "Oh, I, I met someone; did I tell you? (movement) He’s – I, I don’t know. I like him. He doesn’t like me, though. Not really."
*inhale* NOT REALLY!!! (Also, god Martin! T____T)
MARTIN: "I don’t blame him. I don’t like me sometimes, and I am me."
GOD, MARTIN!!! Q____Q That is probably why he could like Jon even when he was horrible to him, that thinking is caused by his abusive mother. (Also that is a relatable sentence in general. At times I've also felt like, why would anyone like me if I don't even like myself? I phrased it "like I understand when people don't want to be friends with me, I wouldn't want to be friends with me." The mind can be something very weird...)
MARTIN: "Plus he’s – he’s my, my boss? Is that right? Ei, Ei,Either way, it’s probably for the best. Wouldn’t really be appropriate. You don’t need to worry; I’m not doodling his name on my desk or anything."
I am so happy we get to hear Martin's feelings on early Jon first hand.
MARTIN: "His uh – his – his, um. His… name… Wait. Wait, what is his name? (distressed) I don’t – (more distressed, sharper) Why, wha– Why can’t I remember his name? His, his face, I don’t –"
[MORE MOVEMENT, AND A THUD]
[MARTIN GETS UP AND TAKES A FEW STEPS]
MARTIN: (still audibly agitated) "Wh-Where am I?"
It's his memory of Jon what's snapping him out of it! <3
MARTIN: "My house, I think. (heh) Nowhere comfortable. So I suppose this is it."
That comment about his "home" right after the episode that explains that a home should be a place where you feel safe, an extension of yourself!
MARTIN: "It is my house, isn’t it? Must be. Must be."
Also this. Like, it must be my house because why would anyone want me at their house...
MARTIN: "No, no, no, no, not, not tiredness, just the – fog. I – can’t see through the fog"
A comment on depression? Always feeling tired, like you don't have the energy to do anything? Because it's not tiredness in the traditional sense, it's because of depression, because of the fog.
MARTIN: "It’s sort of weird, isn’t it? Smell can trigger memory so… powerfully."
Oh yes, I do this certain smell = memory very often! Or, it just comes often to me naturally. I generally like it. Mostly it's triggering nostalgia.
MARTIN: "Started lying on my CV; did I tell you that. I didn’t want to. I-I mean I tried to be a good person, but we’re really up against it, and I – and I – I know they’re going to find me out; I just know it. They’ll ask something, or I’ll say something stupid, and then – and then they’ll know. They’ll know, and then –"
Martin was probably a very good snack for Elias with that huge juicy secret. And he always was very alone.
MARTIN: "What am I doing; I can’t afford a place like this! I need money, not just for me, but for – for…"
A yes, capitalism...
[THE SAME STATIC AS ALWAYS BEGINS TO RISE FROM THE BACKGROUND.]
MARTIN: "No… No, no, no, that’s not right! I-I’m not alone, no! Not alone, there’s – there’s – J-J-Jon? Jon. (suddenly realizing) Jon! Jon!"
There the static rises when Martin can remember and not when he forgets again. It that Jon catching a whiff of his Martin and trying to Know his way back to him? There's also static every time Martin forgets.
MARTIN: (suddenly to Jon, frantic) "Jon? Jon, I’m here; can you hear me? I can’t – it’s – it’s this place, I – wh-where are you; I need you, I nee– (laugh, but humorless) – I need you, Jon."
[THERE’S AN UNEASY DISCORDANT TONE PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.]
MARTIN: "Where – Where did you go."
[A COUPLE MORE STEPS.]
MARTIN: (voice about to break) "Please don’t leave me. I can’t do this on my own. Please. (inhale that could be a sob) I’m not enough on my own. Alone. (small, shaky) All. All alone."
Can this episode get any more heartbreaking?
MARTIN: "Oh. Oh, hello. What’s this? Wow, retro! What are you up to, little buddy; just – listening?"
Oh, hello. Are you still listening?
MARTIN: (half-whisper) "We should try to keep quiet actually, you know. Make sure not to wake her. The drugs – they, they hit her pretty hard, but – if you make enough noise and she wakes up, and – (quieter) and yeah, it’s not good. (bravado) Not a good time!"
More about Martin's past! There isn't even more explanation needed, this tells us a lot about their situation and what it was like for him.
MARTIN: "Sometimes I wonder if I forget things on purpose. Easier not to think about them, I guess. Easier to just let them… slip away. They can’t hurt you if you don’t think about them; they can’t shout at you or call you names. (increasingly emotional) And I, I always think of Mum’s face when I’ve done something wrong, and I – (dead sober) Wait."
See above.
MARTIN: "Did – Did she have a face? (berating) D-Don’t – Don’t be stupid, Martin; of course she had a face! (increasingly agitated) You just can’t remember it ‘cause – (breathing heavy) ‘Cause you’re a bad son; because you left you left her to rot in –"
Martin blamed himself for so long for some many things that weren't his fault. That is a very interesting combination, he and Jon. In this regard I mean. Hm, don't think I ever found a fanfic which explored that? (If anyone got one to recommend, send it my way!)
So evil to let Martin remember Sasha. The friend no one remembers.
MARTIN: "I must have – left the window open. (struggles with the next word) L, L-L,Let the fog in."
Blaming himself again. Thinking that of course it was him who brought him into this situation.
MARTIN: "Hm, they’re gone; that’s weird. I thought – I, I can feel them, but the words, they just – just wash away."
That is such a strange thing to suffer from. I had anomic aphasia as side effect of meds once and I felt like I was going insane. You know on a very abstract level what you want to say, but it just won't take shape. It's frustrating.
That bit about Martin's granddad also feels so horrible. As a child funerals are a weird matter anyway and if something like this should happen... Phew. That was also around the time his father left. Losing two important family members in such rapid succession and then having to deal with his mother...
MARTIN: "Tape recorder. (heh) What, you want me to give you a statement, I –"
[THE STATIC PRESSES.]
MARTIN: (deadened voice) "Why. The Eye has won. It can already see everything;"
Ha, that deadened voice sounds like Jon when he gets all ominous like the Eye is speaking through him again. But why would the Eye talk about itself like that. And this then again reminds me of Father Burroughs in MAG 19, when he was at Hill Top Road, when something (the Web?) used him so speak the words "I am not for you. I am marked."
MARTIN: "Oh, they nod and respond and say ‘No, Martin,’ or ‘Not now, Martin,’ or ‘Leave it, Martin –’ but, funny thing is – (false bright) I didn’t ask them to do anything!"
I know, this is probably also a reference to his childhood and his upbringing. But when he does this impression he kind of sounds like Jon xD And I'm pretty sure Jon was also this dismissive of Martin that first year, when he wasn't outright hostile to him.
MARTIN: "Is that me? (unsure) Is – Is that me? Martin? Martin. Maartin. (close to Jon’s pronunciation) Martin."
Maaahtin! First, really going for the jugular there, fan transcribers! Second,... I would have also pronounced Martin like that? xD What was that during the first (I think?) Magnus Protocol stream (that one on the 30th October?), MaRtin with that US-pronunciation is the real 15th Fear? xD
What's up with those uncomfortable chairs?? xD Why are they emphasized so often? Haven't gotten the significance of this, any ideas on this?
MARTIN: "I’m losing myself, and I – and I don’t know if I mind?"
I know that mindset! There is so much in this episode that speaks to me so much!
MARTIN: "So much of what’s behind the fog hurts. So much of it just makes me wanna curl up with pain and embarrassment and – Maybe the fog’s here because I want it here. Is that why I opened the windows? Maybe I asked the fog to come."
See bullet point of Martin saying "I must have – left the window open." But also with the flavor of creating this situation because the alternative is so incredibly hurtful. Which I absolutely understand. You can try to isolate yourself to avoid certain problems or conflicts, but that isolation opens a whole new can of worms.
MARTIN: "Hundreds, thousands of lost souls, wandering the halls. Hollow memories, with eyes full of tears. I’ve seen them. (shaky) They’re all trying to remember. T-To recall, to picture someone, anyone who loves them, and their hearts are all full of fear. Afraid that those people are gone forever. That maybe – maybe they never existed at all."
Interesting to hear that concept of forgetting someone or being forgotten by others just hours after I finished Family Business!
MARTIN: "I-I fell behind. I was – I was too slow, and, and, and the fog caught up; I was following. Al-Always following, never leading. Never leading."
Aw man, that's saying so much about his life in general and how his mind works.
MARTIN: "Yes. Jon, I remember him. (shaky exhale) I need to, I need to keep him here. If he can find me, I – he, he knows enough; surely he Knows enough to find me, but I can’t – (struggling) If I forget him, if, if I forget – me – maybe – maybe there’s nothing left to Know. No one to find."
Yeah, that makes so much sense. There needs to be something left of Martin in order to find him. How can you find something that doesn't exist anymore, not in the way you want to find it.
MARTIN: "I am Martin Blackwood, and I am not lonely anymore; I am not lonely anymore. (voice shaking with effort) I want to have friends; I – no, I have friends. I-I’m in love. (heh) I am in love, and I will not forget that; I will not forget. (stronger) I am Martin Black–"
JON: (far off, calling) "Martin!"
Ah god, that is the perfect way to end Martin's odyssey through the memory manor. Him finally remembering himself. Remembering his friend, remembering Jon and his love for him. I think this is a classic anchor situation. Every time he got to something that remembered him of Jon, made him think of him, he found back to more and more of himself. His mother didn't do that, Sasha didn't do that. Elias of course not. But when he got to Jon, the fog loosened its grip.
JON (ON MIC): (relieved) "Oh, Martin; thank god, I – I was –"
[AND IT SOUNDS LIKE HE’S EMBRACING HIM]
JON: "I, I thought you were behind me."
Yeah, never let go of him ever again! Also that bit of parallel to MAG 39/40. Martin thinking Jon was just behind him and utterly beating himself up about losing him (and Tim).
MARTIN: "I thought you’d left me behind. Gone on without me."
JON: "No, never. N-Never, I, I just –"
That's going to hurt so bad in about 30 episodes...
JON: "I, I didn’t want to – Look too h– I,I,I promised I wouldn’t Know you, and, and with the fog, and, and all the rooms, I, I just – I lost you; I’m – (inhale) I’m sorry."
MARTIN: "It’s okay."
[A BEAT OF JUST THEIR EXHALES.]
JON: "No, I – I tried to use the – (sigh) to Know where you were, but it was – you, you were faint. It was so strange; it took me so long just to find you."
Ahh, Jon sounds so frantic. Like he wants to respect Martin's privacy but then slowly realizing that this is serious and he might actually lose him there.
MARTIN: "It’s the Lonely, Jon. It’s me."
JON: "Not anymore."
[MARTIN MAKES A PLEASED LITTLE HM.]
MARTIN: "No. (long inhale) No, not anymore."
That fierce "Not anymore!" of Jon. Like also telling that place to keep its damp paws off his boyfriend. After all, he told Martin he won't let it hurt him. Martin did hate the burning building and was so scared, but this place here was a lot more dangerous for him that the fire.
@a-mag-a-day
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