#and I know that in whatever degree some of that is mental health stuff and some of that is my personality and some of it is my choices
Text
.
#I ran out of space in my tags on my previous post#but anyway I’m just thinking out loud#but I don’t understand myself a lot of the time and it’s very distressing#and I know that in whatever degree some of that is mental health stuff and some of that is my personality and some of it is my choices#and I just want to scream and stick my head through a brick wall#I know that like. the answer is just to love God more and to trust Him more and to let Him in more#but I am cold and weak and scared and sad#and also like ??? fine. will I even mean any of this in 20 minutes who’s to say#but I needed to get it off my chest and off my desk etc.#thank you for listening
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Astro observations #5
Moon signs edition!🍂
• Aries moons, are not even the type to hold grudges or be mad for that long. My bestie has this placement and—we rarely get mad at each other but when we used to she’d literally get so sarcastic (she’s a libra rising) after trying to call me out on my BS. But then would literally text me half an hour later and act like it never happened lol.
• Fire moons are the type to explode in the moment but put it behind them and just continue about like it never happened.
• Air moons are the types to ghost their friends lmao.
• Aquarius moons tend to avoid their partner if they start feeling suffocated in a relationship or if they start losing feelings they’ll just start detaching.
• Libra moons are so indecisive!! They’ll literally reason their pro and cons about something but never really make up their minds.
• Gemini moons give me more Gemini rising vibes than Gemini risings do! Lol 😭.
• Also what is it with some Gemini moons’ moms not giving them attention? To the point of not even checking on them to see how they’re doing or to ask how their mental health’s going…
• Sagittarius moons and never admitting they’re wrong>>>
• Fire moons have some of the biggest hearts!!
• Aquarius/Capricorn moons DO have feelings and they DO feel them. They’re just forced to internalize them most of the times in their home environment so that’s why they come across as “cold”.
• Moons at Capricorn degree (10/22) tend to have to raise themselves in a way.
• I love how bold and raw Aries moons are! Definitely ride or die type friends.
• Virgo moons tend to be heavily attached to their mothers even if their mothers aren’t the most emotional.
• Cancer moons are hella sweet and nurturing! My heart goes out to these people.<3
• Taurus moons cook so well?🤠
• Leo moons can have emotionally immature mothers or mothers that don’t know how to be moms. My heart goes out to these people too! I know that apart from that ego there’s a big genuine heart that’s tired of being hurt. 🤎
• Scorpio moons may be well reserved but once you get close with them they are the sweetest, most kindest people with big hearts. 💞
• Once a Sagittarius moon or Aries moon is vulnerable around you, that’s when you know you’ve won them over.
• Might I add with Sag moons it could be more spontaneous, like, you won’t see it coming.
• Pisces moons are literally the sweetest people ever! But the men—if underdeveloped can the most manipulative people ever.
• I see so many Cancer moons act like superficial Aries moons lol. Very fiesty too and funny May I add!
• Virgo moons could literally be having a mental breakdown but won’t tell you even if you ask them. You’ll probably notice it if they’re biting their nails.
• Earth moons are the type who will know important stuff and you won’t even know they know unless you ask them lol.
• Aquarius moons are the ones you go to for advice. ☝🏽
• Aries moons be having the craziest yet funnest ideas ever loll. “When we see that girl we’re gonna go up to her and confront her, oh and I’ll make sure to bring my baseball bat with the spikes.” Said by my Aries moon bestie💀
• Leo moons literally be holding back on their crazy ideas when they like someone! Even in a relationship. Unless you prove to them that you’re down with whatever then you’ll never really hear them suggest some out of pocket ideas.
• Remember that cousin/sibling with the crazy ideas? Yeah they were probably an Aquarius moon lmao.😂
• Gemini/Sag moon culture is giving somebody advice or encouraging them to take impulsive risks but then saying “That’s just what my opinion though/But that’s just me.” 🌚
• If Saturnian moons are venting then Capricorn moons would be the first to cry, hands down.
• I’ve noticed singers with really big status or influence tend to have mostly Water moons and musicians mostly Air moons. E.g. Michael Jackson & Prince were Pisces moons, Beyoncé is a Scorpio moon, Eddie Van Halen & Randy Rhodes were Aquarius moons, etc…
• Fire moons are also the type to start talking to you first after an argument. Sag moons will try to get close to you again by bringing a topic you both enjoy. Aries moons will bring something random up and continue like y’all didn’t just argue moments ago. Leo moons will tell you not to talk to them then they’ll start talking to you a minute later and if you bring it up they’ll get angry again lol. But they’re not the type to stay mad that long. <3
• Virgo moons will either stay mad at you then if you try to talk to them they’ll hit you with what they think you did/said wrong. Then after 5 minutes they’ll be alright again. Or they’re the type to try to offer you something after they’ve made you mad to smooth things out lol.
• Sag moons 🤝 being unapologetically unfiltered
#astro notes#astrology#astro posts#astro community#astro observations#astro placements#moon signs#rendezvous-fling
2K notes
·
View notes
Note
hmmm.... i have a question. not really a question, more like rambling actually.
so we know that n darling doesnt want to get attached with blade, she mostly sees him as her fuckbuddy for a bit which i think is funny, hence she is his long term long distance low commitment gf.
but im actually curious on blade's view on this relationship. does he feel mutual about this? i mean, clearly he doesn't, but im dying to know the specifics.
does he not prod on the topic because he knows n darling would ultimately be his anyway? (based on... whatever elio's script says) or does he just... not care for any specifics and just already considers her his gf without said gf even knowing 😭😭 actually both theories sound more or less similar.
im so excited for ch 5, ive been rereading nexus over and over again lol (and of course... ch 3 and 4 has the most reads for certain reasons im sure you know)
me thinking of a way to respond without accidentally delving into spoiler territory GJKJDF
i will say that the answer to this question is different pre and post chapter 4. i can come back and give the latter after chapter five is posted.
OKAY, so. initial impression (after saving n darling from alister's knife attack in ch1), was... nothing really. a slight pull and nothing else. at that point, he knew the specifics of his job, which he didn't view differently from the hundreds of jobs he'd be assigned before. he doesn't usually bother thinking about the greater picture. he considers himself a weapon who will simply do as he's told until elio fulfills his end of their agreement.
for a while after that, he finds n darling kinda weird. he doesn't get why n darling thanked him and made her synalink offer when it's pretty obvious she doesn't like the stellaron hunters. it wasn't clear to him yet that in the same way he considers himself a weapon, n darling views herself an integral organ to eris. n darling's gratitude wasn't so much that he saved her life — but that he saved eris' 'life.'
he didn't actively try to understand her because he wouldn't care to. the sole reason he picked any of this up is just from the sheer amount of time they spent coexisting. it's inevitable he'd become familiar with her to some extent. there's that, and well... n darling is rather stunning. an assignment where he basically gets to stare at a beautiful woman for days on end isn't something he's complaining about.
what served as a turning point is the nectar guide incident.
(i didn't expect for this to get so long good god but here's blade's mental health going 📉 as his journey to tap n darling begins)
when he comes to, the sight he's greeted with is this high stationed individual weeping for him and desperately tearing her clothes in a attempt to stop his bleeding. he cannot recall a time when anyone has bothered to do so, since it's known no matter how awful an injury he suffers, he'll regenerate eventually. that aforementioned slight pull grows stronger.
regarding blade's reaction to n darling poking around in his psyche uninvited, that wasn't what actually upset him. it was the possibility he'd be less attentive to her safety if he were to go around searching for survivors. for some inexplicable reason, this irked him.
then, at this exchange in ch3:
“Can it really be considered a sin if it’s beyond your control?”
“It won’t always be,” he replies. “Until then, I can’t allow myself to forget. You must get why.”
You wish you didn’t.
it finally dawns on blade that he and this diva-who-pretends-she-isn't-a-diva actually share common ground. that they're both stuck in this self-perpetuated cycle of guilt and admonishment for circumstances that weren't entirely their fault. he doesn't know what to do with this information and stuffs it away for safekeeping.
then another turning point goes down:
the dissonance between lear's id and ego/superego culminates to such a degree that n darling goes unresponsive, the psychic backlash is that bad. blade doesn't understand the specifics. all he sees is this woman he's begrudgingly intrigued by collapsing to the ground with blood rushing from her nose, while her noisy friend and quiet friend rush around. eventually, he can roughly piece together what happened from these tidbits: n darling's aversion to physical contact (seen in ch1 when he reaches for her wrist and she freezes up, then once more when she avoids him after the nectar guide incident).
n darling then confirms this: "What you’re referring to is a precaution my mother suggested. In the past, strange reactions have occurred after I came into direct contact with someone."
along with well-intentioned nona's exclamation: "i yelled at him that if he hurt lear you would turn his mind into goop"
blade wouldn't have thought to configure lear into things as soon as he did had nona not given this slip of information. he already had suspicions that lear and n darling had some sort of Situation between them, because lear isn't slick and makes googly eyes @ n darling like nobodies business, but this. this is different. he could write lear's googly eyes off as a crush, which is whatever. but n darling caring for lear to such a degree that she's fine with risking her wellbeing because she likes being around him that much? hence:
You’re so swept up in your thoughts, that it takes you a while to notice how Blade’s been staring at you. This in and of itself is nothing new. He’s been your shadow ever since forced this arrangement. It irritated you at first, but that blistering offense eased into acceptance. His vigilance felt befitting of a guard. Taking in your surroundings, assessing any threats; such is his prerogative.
How he’s eyeing you now feels different. It’s as if he’s looking through you, not at you.
“Is something wrong? You’re making such a scary expression,” you joke.
at that point, blade is Not Happy to an extent that confuses even him (ch5 will go into why).
then he happens to be brooding in the distance, as he's prone to do, when he sees n darling looking absolutely defeated (post the convo with caicias and chrysus). he feels this need to do something about it, remembers how often she drinks that ambrosia tea, then makes some for her. he really was going to just leave it and then give her space, but, alas:
"Your body springs up of its own accord. You balance the teacup in one hand and reach out to him with the other, your fingers fanning out, ready to sink into whatever they can. Everything happens in the blink of an eye. Your free hand succeeds in finding a destination — settling on the abrasive finish of his bandages.
You feel another texture alongside it.
It’s smooth, cold, and visible through the interstices of his winding bandages.
His skin."
this contact quite literally Awakens something in him (👁👁),
"Blade’s gripping your comforter hard enough for his knuckles to turn bone white. He’s leaning forward, as if ready to pounce, yet lucid enough to exercise some semblance of self-control. He reminds you of a starved animal trapped in a cage, salivating over a piece of meat hanging outside the bars. Goosebumps cover your body. This isn’t simple lust… it’s visceral, some primitive desire too overwhelming to be understood.
You’re the one he’s staring at with this unbridled yearning.
Yes, he’s teased you. Pushed your buttons and riled you up. Not so subtly flaunted the strength that lets him maneuver you like you weigh nothing. You might have status and mastery in your given field, but he’s participated in the annihilation of worlds; the end of civilizations that span back since time immemorial.
He should be the one in charge.
Yet as you stand here, witnessing how he tortures himself by not pouncing on you like he easily could, a thought is planted.
He’d really do anything you asked if it kept this from ending."
from this point to where chapter 4 ends, blade's brain is in some sort of caveman mode. he wakes up. thinks about fucking n darling. fucks n darling. waits around impatiently until he can fuck n darling once again. fucks n darling again. goes to (half) sleep. rinse and repeat.
not only is his mara manageable when he's around n darling, but he gets this thrill too? it's a high unlike anything he's experienced in the miserable centuries he's been cursed with immortality. he isn't really worried about the specifics of their relationship, so long as he can keep railing her on every surface around. n darling's body, how she carries herself with such confidence, the way she pokes and prods at him; he's obsessed. addicted. nothing short of feral.
every stage on his hierarchy of needs has been replaced with n darling.
99 notes
·
View notes
Note
hello!!! Not sure if you still do requests but could I request Tim wright from marble hornets as a father figure to emo/scene kid teens <33
(I centered this request in a post-series context)
Tim as a father figure to an emo/scene kid ( PLATONIC !!! )
CWs/ mental illness, treatment of mental illness, smoking, substances, alcohol, minor violence, bittersweet fluff (not proofread)
Firstly, Tim is surprised that anyone sees him as a paternal figure to any degree. After the shock fades, he’s kinda proud of himself and the fact that he’s got it together enough for someone to see him as a parental figure.
🎞️Most of the bonding time you and Tim have is spent out in the yard of whatever place you call home, sharing pitchers of ice cold sweet tea in the humid Alabama heat.
🎞️Tim’s life experience has proved him to be a good mentor in all things related to mental health and finding good coping skills. He’ll try his best to discourage substance abuse and encourage you to make good decisions when it comes to finding friends.
🎞️He’ll teach you some valuable practical life skills as well, stuff he’s picked up over the years and over his torment with the operator. Mostly small security measures and self defense tactics.
🎞️Starts a lot of his stories with “Back in my day…” and an overdramatized sigh because he knows you get a kick out of it. He does try to sanitize some of the more serious stuff he’s seen.
🎞️More often than not, Tim enjoys whatever emo/scene music you’re into, and gives you free rein over the aux cord whenever he’s picking you up/dropping you off at school.
🎞️You can trust that he’s perceptive towards your interests, he always remembers to get you band tees and fun stuff for your birthday and any other holiday you celebrate.
🎞️Tim would never undermine your issues as ‘teen angst’ or moodiness, because if anyone can understand emotional distress, it’s him.
🎞️ Even if he smokes, he’ll advise you against it; being a responsible adult and all.
🎞️ Maybe gets a little bit teary eyed every time he sees you enjoying your life with your friends, he’s just so happy his kid is getting everything he couldn’t.
🎞️He’s definitely the dad standing around the back of hardcore shows cheering on his kid as they pummel people in the pit, sometimes he even joins in.
🎞️The fact that you’re an emo/scene kid would also make Tim nostalgic about his own college days and the emo/scene people he hung around.
🎞️If he finds out his kid is getting bullied, Tim is the type of parent to support retaliation. He doesn’t like seeing people get kicked around, and will always encourage you to speak up.
🎞️At the end of the day, I think Tim would make a great dad/father figure, and raise his scemo spawn up to be a relatively healthy and content adult with whom he spends time with and speaks to regularly. His own mistakes ceased to define him when he had you to worry about.
#reader insert#fanfic#fanfiction#headcanons#tim wright x reader#marble hornets x reader#marble hornets#masky x reader#creepypasta fandom#creepypasta headcanon#creepypasta x reader#creepypasta#internet horror#tim wright
115 notes
·
View notes
Text
Astro Observations pt.5
‼️Don't repost my Observations without consent and mentioning my page‼️
I very much respect non-binary or trans people. If i'm talking about man or woman, i'm talking about cis-men or woman i know, because often, due to societal coding/standards, there can be differences depending on the gender. But it could very much apply to you if you are non-binary or trans. Just take what resonates and leave what doesn't, as spiritual people like to say.🫶🏻
If you don't agree with my observations, please don't send any hate. They're only my personal observations that i'm posting just for fun. Especialy the specific ones can only apply to certain people. So don't take anything you read too seriously. It's not a science, just pop-astrology!😎
‼️TW: Mentioning of mental health struggles, abuse and other darker stuff. If you think reading this might trigger you, please stop reading!‼️
So let's go!
Lots of planets in the 7th house, especialy conjunct: A big part of this life might be about your marriage partner or life partner or just the relationship to your closed love ones. This can be amazing, but i need to tell you to be careful who you choose as a partner and who you let close to you in your life. As this is the house of open enemies too, this could also go south, especialy if there are also planets like mars, pluto or saturn involved. this could go from just staying in a unfulfilling relationship way too long (because your life seems to revolve around this relationship and you don't see a live without it) to being in an abusive relationship. ❤️🩹
Saggitarius AC: This gives the person bad guy vibes, but in a different way than Sag MC. In the MC it's more how the public perceives you, maybe through the career choices you made, but not necessarily how you actualy are as a person. In the Ascendant it is how you might actualy be like in more private settings or how you show yourself to your closer peers. Not a bad person, i feel like to be that saggitarius has way too strong morals, but just this bad b*tch energy that surrounds them and like a dark "emo" vibe. Or your actual personality could be described as "bad bitch"-like. could also really like dressing in black/ darker colours and/or with spikey/scary accessouirs.😈
Sun in Leo in the 8th house: I already talked about in another post how i've met a few people with leo sun who told me they love sex. One of those people has Leo sun in the 8th house, and he is into bdsm. so basicaly, i think the 8th (scorpio) house influence gives this love for sex a more extreme touch, and because scorpio is also posessive, stuff like bondage fits into it as well.⛓️
Chiron conjunct AC: You might've struggled with bullying or got outcasted by people who were dear to you because of the way you looked, dressed or how you behaved. But it doesn't have to be because of other people, it could just be that for some reason, you never liked your personality and always saw something wrong about who you are. Because of this, the thing you're most insecure about or hurt you the most is yourself or how you view yourself. I feel like this is a difficult placement for Chiron because it's hard to heal Chiron wounds. They are where we know how to heal others but we don't know how to heal ourselfes. And especialy because we might not think we're even worthy of healing, this placement might especialy struggle with dealing with their insecurities.🫂
Planets in the 22nd degree: As many may know, this is the so called "kill or be killed"- degree. How i personaly interpret it is, that in whatever planet or other placement you have this degree, it will be hard for you to develope the good trait of the planet. Let's take sun 22nd degrees in the 7th house as an example. You may naturaly love to be in love and love relationships, it's where your heart lies, but because of this degree, you have experienced so many relationship wounds, that you get a huge ego (the sun can also be ego if underdeveloped) to either hide your wound, or in the hopes of never getting hurt again (or both). This could then either make you completely turn away from relationships or a very narcissistic partner. And especialy when you have other more challenging planets conjunct the sun, it can make it even harder. You feel like, you either kill your heart, or you will be killed by it, because it may for example hurt too much. 🔪
Jupiter conjunct mars in the 10th house or conjunct the MC (also just Mars, but Jupiter "enlargens" the placement): Your career might be all about fighting. If it's just in the 10th house it's just your career and what you may be professionaly most respected for, conjunct MC may be what the general public knows you for. This can mean literal fighting like marshal arts or fighting in a war.🤼♀️
Ruler of the Ascendant in the 12th house: I personaly have this placement, and it's really hard for me to truly understand who i am and what defines me. As i get older i learn more and more about myself, but at the same time i have to unlearn a lot of stuff people told me about myself which i then belived to be true (because i didn't know who i am). For example, when i went to school i was always directly or indirectly told that i was more or less stupid. Everyone thought that, because i couldn't express myself properly in front of the class because of social anxiety. Because of this social anxiety, i was also always seen as shy, which is why i always thought of myself as shy and introverted by nature. But now as i got into university and learned how to approach people and my social anxiety has gotten a lot better, i now know i am actually way more extroverted than introverted as long as i'm surrounded by the right people and actualy not shy at all. And i learned that i wasn't actualy stupid, my struggle was just expressing myself properly and not having enough access to proper knowledge or the mental capacity to learn new things (i had quite a hard childhood, so i mentaly had to deal with a lot of stuff). So i feel like with this placement, it's important for you to always challenge what you believe to be true about yourself and be open to changing your perspective on yourself. Just because you may think something about yourself because everybody has made you feel like you are whoever they thought you were, doesn't mean you are actualy that. To you especialy i wanna say: i feel you, and you can got this!💪
Moon in the 12th house: This could mean your mother being abscent because of her having to stay in psychitric care or in prison or just some sort of very restricting place or situation. She might have been a drug/alcohol addict. Or she could've been emotionaly absend or it just felt like she was absent because the connection to her was missing. But i personaly could never make a connection from my moon sign to my mother, even though this is a interpretation a lot of astrologers make (which is why i feel like mentioning it, it's still valid). For me personaly, i feel like the moon just tells you about your emotions and how you might try to soothe yourself in different situations. With this placement specificaly, it might be very difficult for you to access your emotional life because you surpress your emotions and so they hide in your subconscious. Because of that, it might be very hard for you to know how to soothe yourself, so you might turn to drugs and because of that end up in prison or they express themselves in mental health struggles which may lead to you needing psyhchiatric care (or also to prison, if you do something bad because of that). But i don't want to make it seem like it's not okay for you to get the help you need. This is not an easy placement, so if you feel like you cannot handle what is going on with you psychologicaly, please seek professional help!🌘
Mars in the 7th house: This placement can indicate your partners (or just close loved ones) being potentialy abusive or you tending to be more aggressive towards your partners. Whoever is your open enemy might especialy try to go against you in a more aggressive way, so be careful with this one!🤕
That's it for today! If you liked it, feel free to leave a like, comment or to even reblog my post. Until next time, stay the beautiful human being you are.🫶🏻
#astro community#astro observations#astroblr#astrology#ascendant#midheaven#planets in the 7th house#Saggitarius ascendant#sun in leo in the 8th house#Chiron conjunct Ascendant#22nd degree#jupiter conjunct mars#Ascendant ruler in the 12th house#moon in the 12th house#mars in the 7th house
849 notes
·
View notes
Note
am i the asshole for leading a guy on an low-key manipulating his feelings? (🐺 so i can find it later)
trigger warnings for mental health issues, family death, and suicide mentions.
title is kiiinda dramatic, i know. and i should be clear that i know that what i did was definitely wrong to a degree, but idk how messed up it was.
for context: i (19 f) was freshly seventeen and had just returned to in person school for my senior year after doing my junior year online at home. the majority of my best and only friend had forgotten me almost entirely and abandoned me despite our texting throughout my online year. new social circles had formed in my absence and i had a very difficult time readjusting, especially because i had come out of isolation with worsened anxiety, depression, and lowkey suicidal idealization. to top it all off, my grandfather who i adored had just died. i was desperately lonely and at the lowest i had ever been mentally in my entire life. i say this all not to excuse my actions but to provide some context as to why i acted the way i did.
so i meet this guy (i think like 15-16?) who we'll call finn. finn is a year below me but we share an elective class. we were initially drawn to each other bc we were both the only alt/geeky kids in the room and hit it off really well. and at first things are going pretty good; we eat lunch together every day, share music, talk about our interests etc. normal friend stuff.
but here's the part where i'm probably ta: finn had told me earlier on that he's the type to catch feelings super easy, so i guess i should've expected it, but he tells me that he has a crush on me. not directly though--he starts talking about this girl that he has feelings for but doesn't have the courage to confess to. and the first time he brought it up i didn't realize it was me and ofc tried to hype him up so he could confess and all that. but by the second conversation we have about it, it dawns on me that he's definitely talking about me. and i'm like "ah fuck," because the last person i wanted it to be was me--i'm mostly into girls, and also saw finn as a little brother more than anything else. but i keep hyping him up anyways saying stuff like "oh c'mon the worst she can do is say no! and even then you can at least move on with closure!"
so he takes my advice and confesses to me over text. i turn him down as politely as i can. which is where this whole thing should've ended tbh. but it didn't. his confession (even though it was over text) really endeared me and made me feel appreciated and beautiful in a way i never had been before. i'm not conventionally attractive + a plus size girl, and had never had anyone confess to me before, let alone say something as sincere and sweet as finn did to me. i was always the girl guys dared each other to ask out as a joke, yknow? it felt nice to know that someone saw me as desirable. again, this doesn't excuse my actions or justify them. just context.
so i decide that even though i know i'm not going to pursue anything with finn, i don't want him to lose interest in me either. so i start acting like i might be into him. tell him certain outfits make him look cute, go on and on about how much i love his hair (he really did have nice hair tbh), lean in a little closer when we talked, and constantly reassure him that he'd get a gf soon because good-looking, sweet and funny guys like him don't stay single for long.
he definitely notices bc he (again over text) asks if it's ok to be more physical when we interact. like can he hold my hand if we walk down the hall or whatever. this is definitely where i should've stopped, but i didn't. i kept up the pseudo-flirting bullshit.
and then he confesses (you guessed it! over text) for a second time, insisting that he really thinks that i like him back now. i tell him i don't know what he's talking about but that i'm happy to keep being friends with him. again, i don't stop the flirting-that's-not-quite-flirting.
this continues all the way until the end of the year. he tells me before i graduate that he really cares for me and doesn't want to lose touch after i leave. i promise him we won't. at this point i'd realized the gravity of my actions and had come to regret the way i treated finn, and decided the best course of action was to let our friendship fizzle out after i graduate. so i stop responding as frequently to him, he eventually stops reaching out until finally we lost contact and i delete his number.
i know that what happened was kinda fucked up, but how bad of a fuck up was this tumblr?
(secondary question: is this something that would've had a lasting impact on him and his view of relationships? i hope it isn't. i hope he forgot about me quickly. i hope he's doing better and has found someone who actually likes him.)
What are these acronyms?
90 notes
·
View notes
Note
Re: https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/720791837582983168/tbh-im-quite-shocked-by-all-the-anons-here?source=share
The thing about the OTW publicly suspecting an ex-volunteer is that a) the ex-volunteer was the one who had theorised in a public post that she might have been a suspect first. And she identified herself by username in it. And speculated that she'd been unjustly suspended after that email attack she was the suspect of. So b) the OTW was responding org-internally to current-volunteers' questions brought on by the ex-volunteer's post and they c) did not name her, so only the current volunteers who knew about the ex's post would've been able to identify her as that ex-volunteer. You can't cry defamation if you self-defame, first, and defamation requires that the other person is lying about the reasoning for their suspicion.
As for the CSEM ticket handling and the treatment of the PAC members, esp that ex-vol who worked CSEM tickets, I'm of the opinion that if you take on that work, it's your job to make a call whether or not the material in front of you contains an actual minor. Yes, 99% of it is going to be tickets about cartoon porn or GOT fanfic or whatever, but live-action porn is very much something that you might have to evaluate, too, and she straight-up said she wasn't able to tell with certainty, and so wanted to ban the content (which was fan*fiction* + the ambiguous porn gif) based on it being tagged Underage just to be safe. And it's fine that she said she couldn't tell, but she doesn't get to complain that she was forced to evaluate and eventually dismiss (due to the person in it not being clearly identifiable as a minor) that content, when by her own words, she wasn't forced. She'd also stated that she was working these tickets by choice so the other members wouldn't have to, but now people spin it as if she was chained to her desk and given nothing but CSEM reports. That's unjust framing.
Neither is it ok to want to suspend a user for tags that from context clearly pertain to a *fictional* work. She says she was told she couldn't ban it despite wanting to because "Legal says gifs are transformative fanworks and Disney had recently implied it wanted to crack down on gifs", which, to me, carries the implication that Legal said to ignore CSEM if it comes in the form of gifs or other transformative works. When what that actually is, is the obscenity exception about visual sexual content in which no real kid appears to have actually participated (if the pics are not of a child, but meant to be about underage sex, they need to be obscene under the Miller test to be illegal, and transformative works have artistic value). Which is stuff that she, as the former go-to CSEM ticket girl of the OTW, should actually know. Granted, the one bit I don't doubt at all is that unpaid volunteers don't give or receive enough training, but personally, when questions of legality and attached morality (is this ruling fair, or harmful?) haunt me, I look shit up. And I don't believe for a moment that Legal did not look that shit up despite specialising in IP-law, or had misunderstood CSEM laws to such a degree that they'd actually say it's not CSEM if it's a gif.
I've seen people now - that ex-volunteer among them - demand a mental healthcare budget, at least for post-emergency-use, and call failure to provide that neglectful. The lack of mental health support in a unpaid-volunteer run org for the people who do this kind of important work is unfortunate, and was even more so in the aftermath of the email attack, but the OTW can't just magic that money for 900 people's healthcare up. Them continuing not to pay (cause that's what it is) their volunteers after a crisis is not abuse or neglectful.
The majority of their (the ex-vol's and allied vols) points seem either ignorant or deliberately framing themselves as the victims of some horribly abusive organisation who made them look at and shelter CSAM and is now bullying them after they blew the whistle on it. I don't really see anything worth getting the whistle out for, here, so yes, I think it's a smear campaign.
--
88 notes
·
View notes
Note
i don't get all the fuss about CCs reading fanfic. if you didn't want people to see it then why would you put it publicly online. like aren't you taught that if you don't want something to be seen you shouldn't put it on the internet?
i don't understand the people mad at tommyinnit for reading fanfic. like you have this space where you talk about this real person but *he's* not allowed to read it? wtf
anon this is so angrily worded are you okay lmao
i'm not really huge on fic writing myself (dabbled in it here and there but i have friends who are writers) and i care negative percent about the dee ess em pee side of things so I'm not really The Person to ask but I'll try my best to explain 👍
CCs reading fanfic is fine. They're allowed to lurk as much as everyone else is.
CCs reading fanfic in videos is exposing fic writers to their wider audience and mcyt fans have a history of harassing fandom creators into online nonexistence for any reason under the sun while simultaneously the CC themselves actively makes money off of the fic writer's work.
I ramble a bit more and it got kinda long but that's the main point. (more stuff under the cut)
Fics are "about" the cc, yes but they are often not made for the cc but rather for the writer and maybe a close group of friends. That means they're often a combination of the writer's love for the source material and a sprinkling of their own interests/experiences. This can go anywhere from smashing two interests together in crossover AUs to deeply personal stuff like using gay ships to explore their own experience as a queer person.
Straight CCs are Not Going To Understand the latter in the way that writer and their gay friends are going to enjoy it. They can read it but they're never gonna be able to look at it the way their fans will.
That's one of the more forward examples but this applies to everything. You will never have that degree of separation from the source material to be able to enjoy fic the way fans do, you're simply not the target audience.
What's more is (not talking about the thomas innit guy or whatever i genuinely don't know who he is lol) these reading fanfic videos tend to have more of an unfortunate.. point and laugh aspect to them? A lot of the time it's presented in this LOOK AT HOW WEIRD THIS THING IS! way that can be humiliating for the author and incite even more harassment because the audience gets introduced to the author not as a person but as entertainment. You can see how this is a bad combination when you consider the previous point about a lot of fanfic being personal, I hope. It all can feel just a bit exploitative.
It does Not take a lot for a CC to open the floodgates on harassment. Just earlier this year another youtuber followed one of his fan artists and that eventually lead to that artist being full-on doxxed. Regardless of anyone's opinions on that situation, whether the youtuber is to blame, etc. etc. it's a pretty blatant example of how CCs even just interacting with fan creators on social media can lead to people being unhinged if they don't like their work. Now imagine making a Whole Video.
and don't say "oh just don't write weird stuff you don't want them seeing" because:
a space where writers are afraid to share their more intimate experiences with taboo subjects like mental health, queerness, abuse, and so on is Not Healthy artistically. Less communication about these topics = less people finding others who are like them = more people feeling alone in the world. I don't want that just in a fandom because a youtuber (who is not forced to look at fic) doesn't want their cubito to kiss certain people.
people. will. find. things. weird. anyway. i've seen twitter call the most mundane, wholesome, coffee shop au fics PROBLEMATIC for daring to ship two characters who have a four or five year age gap. I've seen literally almost every ship you can think of get called incestuous at some point or another because Someone On Twitter said they have "sibling energy" and all of a sudden it's incest and the writer should Die I guess.
"weird stuff" is really hard to define in the first place.
CCs are not authority and we don't have to listen to or cater to them. Fic is never going to directly affect them.
this isn't even getting into character/cc divide and how it's different for everyone and a lot people don't like "writing about real people" so on so forth.
This is only tangentially related but there's this.. odd thing i've noticed where fic writers aren't "respected" in the way artists are in fandoms? I've noticed people are often "scared" to talk to artists and react to things like animatics with more awe than anything else ("this has no right to be as good as it is!") whereas with fanfics it's more like. WE'RE READING FANFIC?!?! 😳😳 (I GET MARRIED TO WHO?!?!?)
There's something to be said about how a skill gap in visual art is more immediately noticeable to your average person than in writing but anyway. anyway.
#random thoughts#discourse#i hope this makes sense? You can tell I'm not a writer lol#anon this ask very much sounds like it was made in bad faith tbh but these are thoughts i wanted to get out anyway so
20 notes
·
View notes
Text
Back to thinking about the "proshoantipara" blog and the one interaction I had where I due to being a chronic dumbass deeply misinterpreted the post that was made and thought they mean they had a problem with Paras existing in fandom and writing the exact same content non-paras did because I've seen people say that a thousand times over and I apparently did not apply my proper critical thinking skills because they had to clarify they just meant that they had what was essentially the same opinion as me I just didn't fucking understand 😭
I literally feel so bad about that low-key because looking back on it I came off super aggressive in an unnecessary way. Sjhshdhshshshhsj. Like 100% there's an issue with RPF when it unvolves anything sexual and/or gorey and those involved in it haven't explicitly consented to such work being made. (like a YouTuber can say they're fine with porn made of them. In that case go ahead but if it's a REAL KID you just made something indistinguishable from CSEM and now have victimized a real child and thus became a child predator, and if it's an adult who hasn't consented it's a form of sexual harassment and suprise surprise sexually harassing people is wrong.) I also add gorey content here because of the level of psychological harm that can cause a person in many cases. Like yes you can in your brain fantasize about people or something but you do not publish shit about actual other humans who are not consenting. That's the same issue with people using AI to undress people it's morally identical to creep shots.
Fictional characters? Sure fuck then up whoever you want or whatever. But real people are still real. If someone drew shit of me without my consent I know I'd have some kind of massive mental health episode- and I know that can happen to others very easily. This differs from me seeing lolicon or something else that's triggering and having a breakdown over it because one is a trigger I could get through the other would be an act of sexual violence targeted at me specifically. In which case there's no longer the argument of no harm- because RPF itself is the harm.
Me doing weird little writings and roleplays about necrophilic stuff? That's fine. If I wrote about doing that to a real person? That'd be sexual harassment and/or disrespecting the dead to a degree that is so obscene that it's reasonable for people to hate anyone who does that. Which is why I don't do it. Because I don't go around trying to do harm.
#pro para#paraphile safe#paraphiles please interact#para safe#pro paraphile#proship#pro fiction#anti rpf
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
so I've known I was system (unclear if I'm workin with OSDD 1-b or HC-DID) for ~2 years now, and I feel like I've gotten just about everything out of exploring it I can for the foreseeable future.
One of the things I've really struggled with is that so many systems are deeply invested in Fandom and I, bluntly, am not.
Not a judgment, just not something that appeals to me much for whatever reason(s). I bring this up because, when I was first exploring our system, I found there was way too much instability to identify/create concrete coherent "alters" in the common sense. My response to this obstacle was to use SimplyPlural as a shell for short-form poetry (generally prosaic bc formatting is hell on mobile) and engage with my 'selves' as closer to extremely distinct "modes of being" rather than full people.
Again, not a judgment, systems are different for the exact same reasons any people are different. I made just as many (if not more) totally subjective judgments about what my "self" and "selves" really were. I do, however, think the differences between me and the predominant system culture on Tumblr are EXTREMELY interesting and imply a bunch of cool stuff about the nature of our identities (and identity in general (but that's for later)).
For one: much of your "system" is utterly constructed. It's built. It's the result of an honest-to-god artistic process of deepset self-reflection, a series of creative social choices to present yourself(s) to others in the best way you know how. This is HOW any of this is real, not some "gotcha" that proves we're all fake or w/e.
For traumagenic systems, there's an underlying pathology that informs these choices in (as far as the medical discourse is concerned) that the neurological mechanisms which primarily influence self-identification are heavily disrupted, leading patients to actively create lenses they can view themselves through (or so the story goes, issues w/ this narrative imo).
I think it's extremely notable that many "endogenic" systems 1) have trauma disorders that disrupt their sense of self (e.g. OCD w/ psychotic symptoms) or 2) otherwise have environmental stressors that create similar emotional conditions to the "actual DID" systems among us (📮)
So, yeah, Endogenic systems ARE choosing to be like that. OSDDID systems are too. The self is always a social construct. This isn't news.
I do, however, see a common tendency (especially among 'bodily a minor' systems) to engage super carelessly with this artistic process.
This should be fun, it should be expressive, play is extremely important to human health, and you should totally be as imaginative as possible. The weirder you are, the better.
But. Shit like "bodily a minor"? Horrible idea. Really catastrophically bad idea, y'all, there are SO MANY different ways to explore the internal mechanics of your system that do not actively jeopardize your safety in the way and to the degree that misrepresenting your physical age does.
I think the feelings that the "mental age vs body age" dichotomy reflects are totally valid and SHOULD be expressed, I just don't think we're doing it smartly.
I respect age regression 100% but, psychologically, age regression is completely different from age advancement. Completely. It's a one way road.
So far, my best bet for expressing the "older" parts of us is to talk about parenthood instead. Caretaking. Or, responsibility, ethics. Sometimes we identify with eternal/timeless concepts, like "nighttime" or "love." That way the realities of age (and thus existing safety measures) are preserved while still allowing you to communicate effectively with other people.
I have more thoughts & critiques that I'll post more about later, for those interested, but if you want to see what I meant by "shell poetry" or "modes of being" my SP is:
the-murmuring-system
#system#pro endo#endo safe#osddid#osdd#DID#osdd system#did system#tagging still confounds me#poetry#fuckin#bodily age?#syscourse
12 notes
·
View notes
Note
Thoughts on the Mike Pollocks Pro Israeli stance?
I have mostly kept my nose out of the Palestine struggles. Now, to be clear, I am against the obvious lies and attempts to cover up the real, actual, awful things going on over there. Like, for example, the sentiment over the recent threat to ban Tiktok, where people suggest it's because it is making it too easy for people to learn about what's going on over there? I agree with the theory that's probably just a suppression tactic.
I have also made a couple small contributions to Palestine relief charities, but I'm obviously not in a great place financially to do much more than very small amounts (but I did, for example, buy the Itch.io bundle a few weeks ago).
I do not want innocent Palestinians to suffer. I do not want war and death and what is almost certainly attempted genocide.
But, in general, I do not and have not dove head first into this topic. A lot of things in this world are very bad right now, including things local to me in my own life. For my own mental health I have limited the amount of bummers that I allow myself to ingest right now. I feel like it's important to set that up. I am not speaking authoritatively or with a complete picture of every little nuance.
It is a bummer about Mike Pollock. But, from the little bits I did see, it did not look like he was calling for bloodshed. I don't think he's in favor of genocide. He is, however, jewish, so you can maybe see why he'd align with Israel on a basic level. I think he specifically said in the Twitter Spaces, before he got frustrated and logged off, that he wishes for peace.
It's easy to get up in arms about pro-Israel people because of all of the awful, horrendous stuff happening over there. But just like how the actions of the American Military do not necessarily represent the thoughts and feelings of you or me, I imagine there are pro-Israel people that do not necessarily endorse Israel's methods of handling this issue. People who do it for heritage reasons rather than political ones.
It is very easy to turn this whole thing into a campaign against jewish people, which is definitely something a certain sect of people on the internet (if you know what I mean) would absolutely love to capitalize on. So I think it's important to keep a level head, or at least as much as is possible in a situation like this.
So while it sucks, I also think to some degree there are cases like this that must be considered.
I would also like to say that I've kept my distance from Mike Pollock. I've never entirely known what to make of that guy, because while I can respect his desire to not be pestered with fans with memes and whatever else, he also seems like he gets right up to the edge of being kind of rude about it. He gets a very specific kind of "condescending-lite" tone when it comes to pushing back on fans who act a little too friendly with him. It's always felt kind of weird, but I figured if he didn't want to be bothered, then don't bother him.
So that means I'm not going to bat for him, I'm not trying to make excuses for what he's doing, or anything like that. I'm just saying he probably doesn't deserve a lynch mob. I'd like to believe in the goodness of a person than just assume the worst case scenario.
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
“pull yourself up by your bootstraps” is a sham.
nearly 80% of all owned american wealth is generational. prices rise while the working class’ salaries are cut, and you can’t make any profit if you’re not at the top, which you can’t do without radical exploitation of others.
I was born into a middle class life. my mom went though a lot of different jobs, most that she really liked, and we lived with my grandmother who was still working at the time. My dad was around a lot, he hadn’t become a fucking nazi yet, he had a good job and was supportive.
It slowly went downhill from there.
As my dad was treading down the conservative-to-nazi pipeline and become more paranoid, less supportive, my mom wasn’t always making enough money because her jobs became unnecessary to newer society and it was harder to find sustainable jobs, and my grandmother had to quit working because she started developing dementia. my mom worked at a UPS factory for some time before quitting because of the unworkable conditions and treatment, and her last option at that point in time was to work at the Amazon factory. she worked 7-9, one of my friends’ parents took care of me mosts nights. my mom was constantly overworked, often injured, and paid barely enough to keep us living. when covid-19 hit she was one of the first to get laid off, so all of our income came from my half-assing dad and the bare minimum from the government.
i starting developing depression around this time but we couldn’t afford or access actual mental health care, so my mom treated me with CBD oil and pot (which was still illegal in our state) she got from the only friend that continued to support our family. more and more.
i don’t remember most of 2021, it was all a blur but the one thing that will always replay in my mind is the day in november of 2021 when my mom kneeled down to me, looked me in the eyes and said
“lila, we don’t have enough money to live right now.”
i could tell things were getting weirder as time went on, but it was at this moment i realised nothing would ever be the same again. i broke down crying knowing the last years of my life at home would be spent struggling, unsupported and alone.
all the years since my mom and i have been living off of whatever money my mom can vet my father to give us, but it’s almost always a fight and almost always a no, he’s lost care for our wellbeing, and any other money has come from stuff my mom tries to sell to pawn shops. we’re on food stamps now, as fucking hard as they were to get, and we don’t really go anywhere anymore because we can’t afford it; at first it wad covid, then financially, than our home life.
my grandmother’s dementia got far worse, my mom (and myself to a lesser degree) has to take care of her full-time now, but she doesn’t get any government support for it because she obtaine power of attorney over my grama so we can still live in our house. my grandmother now is in post-awareness dementia which mentally and physically deprecating for my mom, a single mother with BPD, to take care of and it’s hell just to be in this house. fuck if you thought this was all though!
my mom was a child of 8, and she was the only one who took care of both her father, who died from ALS before my lifetime, and her crappy mother, so she still lived in her mother’s home and raised me in it. in her parents’ will however, it’s said once they both die the house will be sold and a portion of the money will be distributed to all 8 kids. that’s not enough money for my mom to live off of.
SO, my mom talked to her siblings in May of 2022 and discussed our living situation, asking for legal right to the house once their mother is gone because she’ll have no where else to live and she’s been the unpaid caretaker of both of her disabled parents since they day they needed care. but, her siblings, all of which have sustainable lives, homes and jobs, said no because they don’t care about my mom or grandma, just the shitty money they’ll inherit. there was no way of knowing when my grandma was going to pass and we wouldn’t be able to move either (my dad wouldn’t financially support it), so my mom filed a civil lawsuit on all of her siblings.
exactly two years later and we’re still in the lawsuit. nothing has changed.
aside from all the mental torture and stress the lawsuit has caused - my mom has PTSD from being abused and r*ped by the brother that’s head of the apposing side - nothing has gotten better no matter how much ANY of us do. i work now, for barely anything, and we’ve gotten a little bit more bottom-of-the-barrel government support, but it still manages to get worse. no familial support, barely any from my dad, whom of which has become mildly abusive, but can’t risk to cut ties with or else we will have absolutely no one. my mom’s sold everything valuable she had, she’s even begged for money. we don’t always have heating, we don’t always have electricity, we don’t always have food, and god fucking forbid any day we come across the police. i get by stealing energy drinks and period products, dirt money when i can, and just trying to keep my mom going and not killing herself
we can’t fucking pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, we’re already treated as barely human now being in the low class.
#capitalism#america#leftism#conservatism#low class#poverty#fuck america#fuck amazon#fuck capitalism#open your fucking eyes
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
I just applied for the exact position I had 5-6 years ago 🙈 my part-time library position. The pay is awful, but I was really content with working there at the time because I enjoyed the position so much. I was made to feel bad because I had graduated with a bachelor's degree, but could still only obtain a very low paying wage job. I fucking hate that I actually believed that shit and let it get to me at the time. I also NOW know that I'm disabled too, and I liked working for the library because they were super accommodating to me (even without knowing I was "actually disabled" or whatever). For being basically a cult (lol), the organization itself does so much cool shit for their employees, so I genuinely enjoyed working there.
I don't know fully if I'm really healthy enough to go back to working, but it will only be part-time, and I left my full-time position less than a year ago due to how bad my health was. My coworkers and supervisors were so supportive during that time, and I left on good terms so there's a high chance that I may get the position.
I fucking hate how society makes us into these pathetic little-worker drones that have to fight for survival. But the stress of no longer working is honestly getting to me. I have a list of confirmed diagnoses now, so I feel a bit more prepared with working: I know my physical limits (for the most part) and have some medical splints and what-not that I can use. I'm taking my health seriously due to not having access to medical professionals currently, so I'm prepared to change my routine up to where I can be My healthiest. My previous employers are also aware that I'm disabled, and they've always accommodated me in the past. My previous job (and the position I'm currently reapplying for) were the BEST fit for me, like I genuinely thought I could retire from the library. It devastated me when I got so sick and officially had to call it quits. I haven't read a damn thing in almost a YEAR because of it. I kind of want to go back.
The pay is absolute SHIT but library workers don't do it for the money soooo lol and I currently make n o t h I n g (well besides the lovely folks that have supported my sxwork stuff, thank you so much 🥲 @hausfaerie). My partner is the kindest, most hard-working and patient human being I have ever met. It was his idea for me to quit originally, and he has always been the primary (and currently, the only) provider for us. But seeing him work so hard for us and we still struggle is so mentally exhausting to see. I don't fucking care if I make less than $10 an hour at this point, I need something to help take the load off because this world is SO GOTDAM EXPENSIVE TO LIVE IN. My state is FUCKED and I know that I will not qualify for financial disability. I also live in a medical graveyard. There aren't any medical professionals that can treat all the illnesses (•‿•)
I don't even know if I will get the job yet lol they might tell me to fuck off. If I do get the position though, it's only part-time, so i'll still have some free time to do whatever I want which will be nice 👍🏻
#cw disability#cw chronic illness#personal#digital diary#diaryposting#online journal#personal post#journal
9 notes
·
View notes
Note
🍕🍀💀 for engel because i love him sm
HE LOVES YOU TOO I PINKY PROMISE
🍕 - What is their favorite food?
This is a super easy question if we're talking everything that's edible. it's cake. he loves the kind of pastries that are covered in sprinkles and frosting and wafers and whatever the fuck else to a degree that makes food critics extremely upset and mad because you can't even tell what that's supposed to be anymore. But also there's like a billion different types of cake, and they are ALL good.
If we're talking REAL food (in peppermint's words REAL FOOD RIGHT NOW) it's a harder question because his eating habits are really odd. or unusual. He grew up eating mostly candy and STILL eats mostly candy (and other sweet things), he can't really cook, and he doesn't really like to cook because he rarely has an appetite for anything that's Not sweet. He's the kind of person who has NOTHING in the fridge except like, eggs, and who-knows-how-old preserves of stuff that CAN be used for cooking but he's not using them and will never be using them, and then there's just a whole cake in there. He gets DenDash 90% of the time when he's actually trying to put in the effort to eat something that actually IS in an octopus' natural diet, and in that case he tends to prefer things that are easy to eat, and generally considered snack food, and STILL socially acceptable to dip in chocolate sauce. So generally something like shrimp tempura. yeah, let's say shrimp tempura
🍀 - What originally inspired the OC?
This is a trip down the memory lane... i have no idea honestly. I have to assume he's one of those "random OCs" I made at some point, which is a thing I like doing where I just make an OC and then see if it goes anywhere. He's a pretty early OC, so it's likely a situation where I was just looking up different cephalopod species, or maybe gearsets that look fun, and making something out of that. He was originally based off the angel octopus which is where his name comes from! (it doesn't make much sense nowadays but eh.)
💀 - Does your OC have any phobias?
Oh does he. yeah. Engel has claustrophobia so severe that it very much dictates his life, which he also finds extremely frustrating but hard to find workarounds for. It developed for him sometime in his early adulthood, which is generally when his mental health took a nosedive as a whole, and it's severe enough to limit his life A LOT. He gets anxious being in rooms with no windows, to the point that indoor gigs are pretty much out of the question with a lot of clubs being dank cellars with no windows ANYWHERE, which would just be a death sentence for him. He gets anxiety with closed doors and closed windows; he usually tries to position himself next to windows indoors, and if that's not an option he needs to stay VERY busy to keep his brain in the right place. Trains and buses are not an option to him, which pretty much locks him out of public transit as a whole, and the only workaround he's found for not having panic attacks in a car is perpetually sticking at least half his arm out of the open window (obviously he cannot drive). And that's cars that are being driven by people he deems as safety pillars to begin with, and cars that are big enough so that he can fit in them at least a little comfortably (something that has really just gotten worse recently).
Needless to say he finds it extremely frustrating. Being locked out of like, the entirety of public transport AND the possibility of just taking a taxi AND the inability to keep calm enough in a car to ever drive one very much spirals into a situation where he can't really go anywhere. There's not a whole lot of other options other than WALK, or he has to be babysat by a friend (usually Peppermint) the whole time, because few other people can drive him places and actually stay on top of how he's feeling. Generally, as long as he can see the sky, he's doing pretty alright, but there are MANY situations in life where you DON'T see the sky.
He also feels bad because not being able to go underground or fully indoors also means that Deep Sea Dead Zone often can't do indoor gigs, which is EXTREMELY LIMITING for any band, but especially annoying for them given that there's offers! There's a lot of offers but he can't go 5 minutes indoors without the Badness coming out, and he is SO MAD about it. He spends more time than is necessary beating himself up over it despite repeatedly being assured by just about everyone that his safety comes first, and if it's something he can't do then it's something he can't do.
He's very annoyed and aware of how irrational his anxiety is, but it's something he's tried to work with, work against, find relief for, challenge........ and there's not been much improvement. He's just hoping it'll ease up over time or he'll find a way to manage it better in future, but in the present, it's got a chokehold on most of his life for much too long for his liking. The only big obstacle he's managed to conquer is the elevator, but even those need to have mirrors for the illusion of more space. He's employed the tactic of shutting off his brain for the extent of the ride and counting the chromatophores on his hands until he can get out because honestly he'd rather die than walk stairs.
thanks for the ask!
8 notes
·
View notes
Note
All my life the majority of my friends have had either something serious going on, some sort of trauma, some big mental health issue, have been at least somewhat suicidal, have wanted to and done SH, and or have needed a lot of emotional support. I’m so so tired. The question may sound rude but I need advice, please.
How do I stop attracting these types of people as friends? They are valid, but I cannot handle them being suicidal all the time, all of their various mental health issues, their trauma. It has been much of my life and I cannot take anymore from people. I want to meet healthy and at least mostly stable people. I typed out a whole thing describing things, but it was long and unnecessary.
Please, I am going to be in a situation where I can make new friends, and I do not want to get stuck in the same situation again, like the last times. I can’t keep doing this, it only makes my mental health dramatically worse.
Hey there,
This is not a rude question to ask at all and you are so right in saying that it can be really difficult to draw ourselves out of the circle of knowing and being friends with people who may be somewhat more stable than those that you know currently who are really struggling themselves as well. At the same time, it’s also a really difficult question to answer as sometimes we are just drawn towards a certain group of people and there is no rime or reason to it. This is something that I am still struggling to work out myself as I too am prone to meeting and making friends with those who like me, struggle with their own mental health stuff of varying degrees.
I think though the most important thing to know though is that in the beginning when you first start to struggle with your own mental health it is only normal to be drawn to those people who struggle with similar things to yourself as it can help to bring a person comfort knowing that they are not alone and that there are others out there that struggle with their own mental health too. This can then draw out throughout the years, even when you start to work on and begin to improve yourself with your own mental health, and then from there it can just be automatic to continue to be drawn or attracted to the same people like you and to find yourself as being kind of like the emotional support or ‘counsellor’ type of person for them.
In answer to your question though, I think that it’s great that you have been able to acknowledge and separate your needs right now and the types of friends you are wanting to have currently in your life, this is step one. Step two may look something like having a positive mind set and knowing exactly what you are wanting or expecting from new friends - for if you don’t know what it is you are looking for then it’s all too easy to fall back to past patterns of making friends who are struggling with their own stuff. Also keep in mind that no matter what kind of new friends that you make, it’s always OK to let the other person know if you are unable to support them emotionally with whatever they are needing from you at the time. Just gently let them now that you are not in a great place yourself to be able to support another person but let them know of other resources or supports that they can access to get the help/ support they are needing if you can. Sometimes it can also be helpful to just start a fresh with new friends, for example, getting to know them but not feeling pressured to share information about your past if you are not comfortable in doing so – this may also help to deter others from seeking help and support from you in copious amounts if you take things slowly and draw a line between what you choose to share with them and what you don’t want them to know in the beginning or at all.
Making new friends can be and is difficult for a lot of people and especially trying to find those friends that match to where you are in life right now. If you focus on the positives on life though and not talk as much about your own struggles then you may find that the friendship stays as being just that – a friendship without the need to support the other person in ways that is detrimental to your own mental health.
I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!
I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!
Take care,
Lauren
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Okay, so PD s11 finale theories:
Route A: they work real hard get to the killer and Voight but it's too late and he's dead/dying/dies en route to Med/at Med
Though I'm not so sure abt this cause we haven't heard about Jason's leaving (no, I am not up to date with who's already been confirmed to stay, sorry)
And if this happens, I think Hailey, or someone else on the team (prob Hailey), will kill the offender and it won't be the best of shoots so she'll be forced out of the department, or it'll take a toll on her and she'll take Petrovic's advice and make a change in her life (leaving cpd, and what I'm gonna say now is another discussion entirely but: she might not even wanna continue to be a cop and let's remember she has a college degree!).
OR
She'll just be really shaken by Voight's d3ath (which will be her losing another one she loved/who was her family) and will leave bc of that, she'll think that job is taking more than giving.
Route B (a happier and therefore less likely one, lol): everything will work out and Voight will be okay but Upton's good work as a team leader will be so praised that she'll get some sort of promotion and will have the opportunity (and accept, again, following Petrovic's advice) to lead another team.
OR
Even saving Voight, she'll kill the guy (or he will!! And she'll want to take the heat) and be asked to leave the pd/leave bc she can't leave like that anymore.
In summary, I think the episode, despite being a finale (which are usually more team-coded), will be Upton centric and will highlight those conversations abt mental health and change between her and Petrovic and that's gonna have everything to do with her leaving.
Another conclusion I'm reaching after e12 is that (total shocker, yes I know 🤡) there will be no upstead reunion/closure whatsoever, bc Hailey's departure is not gonna have anything to do with that. And even though I will most likely be over the moon if we get at least a phone call with Jay, I don't think that should happen bc as much as they did the upstead break up really dirty and bad and fucked up with all those unanswered phone calls and stuff, I think it wouldn't make any sense to bring him back or even up at all again, for obvious reasons: we haven't heard about Jay/upstead in forever now. Literally no mentions that either even happened on the show ever since Jo's first episode where she points out that Hailey just got a divorce. And even though Hailey's not healed at all after all she went through (not just Jay's leaving!!), it's like she has gotten some sense of closure on that part of her life and to bring that all up again would just be straight up cruel with her/them (cause whatever happens, I don't see them getting back together, so...). But this is a drama (read character-hater) show, so who knows, right?
Well, that's it, thank you for coming to my ted talk if you made it to the end of this rant. Bye, see ya next week!
#yes i will still be dreaming of and looking up fics (maybe even writing some??) on an upstead reunion in the finale#BUT#don't cancel me now#i kinda really hope it doesn't happen anymore :(#chicago spoilers#chicago pd spoilers#chicago pd#one chicago#hailey upton#jay halstead#hank voight#literally nothing going on with the other characters#it's like they're not even there anymore#so annoying#give us at least a “medley” of how it all goes for everyone#like just a scene of Kevin doing something nice for himself#maybe a lover??#same with Torres#maybe prepping for the detective's exam?#i know it wasn't hinted at all but it'd make sense?#Kim and Adam being cute wedding planning with Mak and maybe even Trudy (a girl can dream okay?)#Jo turning down a drink and working on something positive and healthy for herself#Hank recovering surrounded by friends (don't know if he still has any outside the team 💀)#that is: if he doesn't d1e#and Hailey going on her merry way to start a new and healthier life#maybe calling her mom/brothers/leaving Jay a message?#please gwen#i'm begging here#have mercy#dreams!!
3 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
yilinglaozus
light everlasting
toxinicye
sombrazinha
bestchoicelifeinsurance
Best Choice Life Insurance
bluefoxart
Bluefox Art Haven
finnydoodles
muffins and marshmallows