#because of how scared i am of faking
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me when i stayed up all night the other night "to try to fix my sleep schedule" (lying to myself) and i just slept a long time and woke up the same time i always wake up (between 3-4pm) but also had really weird dreams
including this one dream where i specifically had a lesbian gf and going through all the same places in my dream wasnt bad anymore bc she was there. also yes it was confusing for me bc Gender.
and when i woke up i knew it was bc of pearl. who i havent been talking about bc ive been scared i was faking again. but the dream proved shes real because why the fuck else would i have a lesbian experience in a dream
#le p2iigh#i DONT KNOW if shes *gasp* Endogenic or whatever i just know shes here and she tries to bite me to remind me shes real#because of how scared i am of faking#at least i know joules is real AND traumagenic. bc of that one teacher#adventures in losap#system stuff#i GUESS. because i was violently reminded of this#also i lied about tartar i wasnt able to drop him but i was able to assign him to joules. if that makes sense
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I really need to get serious about personal projects again
#I think I said something like this last year too lol#currently in a weird headspace about it#the biggest reason why I lost focus on them was bc I prioritized engaging in fandom#(something that I never really did when I was focused on publishing a few years back)#so part of me feels like in order to make considerable progress on projects again I need to cut myself off from fandom#and I kinda have been weening myself off a bit from animanga but not really for that reason#it was mostly bc I was getting overwhelmed by how much I was consuming and I wanted to appreciate things fully#I don’t think I’d cut myself off from fandom completely either I’d still try to keep up with stuff#but the idea of not engaging in fandom anymore kinda.. scares me?#idk I feel like a major loser admitting this lol#it just feels like I’d lose a lot of connections with people#and would lose a lot of the love I have for stories if I’m not actively interacting with them :(#and then there’s also that stupid feeling of being a ‘fake fan’ because I’m not dedicating every single second of free time to fandom#which is dumb bc like I have a life and need to make money yknow I got things to do#im just Stressed bc I’m at such a critical stage career wise and im getting closer to 26 so hhhhh healthcare coverage will be up in the air#so I really can’t afford to dawdle#there’s just so much I wanna do and while I’m not necessarily racing to get it done I still want to take advantage of the time I have#but it also sucks feeling like I’m giving up a part of myself to progress on another part of myself#I don’t think any of this makes sense sorry I just needed to dump my thoughts bc I am Terrified™️#anyway personal projects! gotta get back to those !#blahblahbills#delete later
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most fucked up thing at my new job is there's only zero calorie sweeteners at the coffee station in the break room. three different kinds of zero calorie sweetener but no regular sugar because the assumption is that literally everyone is on a diet?
#is this because its a job dominated by women in particular??? idk#that's so weird#like sorry i can taste the difference and i prefer naturally occurring sugar from nature how is that not even an option#drinking nasty bitter af coffee bc i am So Sleepy but i refuse to use artificial sweeteners#they Do taste different and they're not even good for you im not doing that lol#also they got mad at me for telling one of the parents that we took one of the kids temperature and it was 99 and he threw up a little#when his dad came to get him yesterday and all of the other teachers were nowhere to be found#they were like tou shouldnhave had colleen do that#ma'am colleen went home before that and so did you#i should have left already too but waited bc the ratio on the playground was bad#anyway i did NOT say he had a fever i said it was 99 and to talk to the teacher inside#but the dad didnt yalk to her clearly then went home and scared the mom that he had a fever and threw up so she texted my boss freaking out#i literally just said he threw up a little and we took his temperature and it was 99 and to talk to the other teacher#which was all true and there was no one else there to tell him#anyway#apparently the person who had my job before me was a wacko who scared the parents with fake medical information or something#but that is not my fault and nobody told me that or not to tell the parents anything medical until this morning#ugh#also my supervisor is kind of a weirdo#she wanted to show everyone ~cute~ pictures of animals she has killed while hunting???#and i said i didnt want to see#and she was like ~oh it's not dead yet in the picture~#like okay but its dead now???#she traps them first so its a cute little fox in a trap about to be killed 😭#like wtfff#i know trappong predators is a reality but why take pictures like ohhh so cute then kill it#THEN show everyone the cute pictures like yeah isnt he adorable i killed him btw <3#huh??????#she has a bobcat tail on her keychain too she was giving it to the teachers and kids to pet like ohhh its so soft <3
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Page Five of When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D. that I bought at a thrift store.
I am using the cut-up technique and going page by page.
#dave.txt#she speaks#poetry#self help books#When I Say No I Feel Guilty#Cut-up technique#coping#depression#This is about being discharged from the mental hospital when we were 14 and returning to school#And not being able to heal because we were too embarrassed to open up to our friends about the reality of our mental state#We were too busy thinking about how we must be overreacting.#Silently trying to piece ourselves together like a puzzle because we're afraid of using the wrong words and getting called fake#And for years we doubted our transness because we couldn't.. Tell if we were faking it for attention. Bc that's what it always feels like#It all feels so fake because every detail about ourselves feels like a grab for attention.#Just thinking about being depressed felt like we were making a mockery out of ppl who were actually depressed and suicidal#I'm sorry for being so emotional about this piece. For trauma dumping. I'm also sorry if you're reading this. And sorry that I was scared.#I am okay I'm just really tired. Tired of being sick. Being sick makes me cry. I feel so useless. Like a lump.#I am curling up in embarrassment#dear diary#vent
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It should be noted that, while I am a horror bitch, I absolutely CANNOT deal with true crime. Ryan and Shane are testing my resolve right now.
#I'm a baby okay!#horror is fake! and it has themes motifs and symbols!!!#true crime is typically sensationalized ragedy and it chills me#I have anxiety! I'm already scared of men - I don't need to know how they kill women children and each other!!#“but kiya... if you don't like true crime why are you watching it??”#because dear reader#as much as I am a scaredy cat I am also an enjoyer of The Boys (shane and ryan)
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sometimes you read a post and you think to yourself holy fucking shit do usamericans really live like this????????? honestly the insane behaviours I learn from posts saying stuff like "this [thing] [that the post talks about like it's normalized/common] is fucked up" is absolutely nuts
#i am obviously not going to mention this in the original post in any way. but this is because#i just read that post about how 'peoples reaction to seeing a person walking with a white cane is either fearful or agressive'#and obviously i am noone to say anything about the topic. seeing as i dont use nor am close to anyone who uses a white cane.#but. i have seen plenty of people using white canes out in the streets in my life. and a few i see/saw quite frequently#like both of us walking on the same street regularly for a while#which of course doesnt make me anyone with enough information to have an opinion about that post i read#but never in ky fucking life have i seen *anyone* react the way that post described to someone walking with a white cane#and i seriously think its just because usa is so fucked up and usamericans have so many hang ups about people with disabilities#the whole 'but are you REALLY disabled or are you just faking it' bullshit theyre obsessed with#but seriously. people here see someone walking down the street with a white cane and they just. move out of the way#theyre not 'eithr scared or agressive'#ive seen people who're in a hurry get impatient‚ hell im pretty sure ive been that person once. but they just fucking wait#or find a way to walk around them. or something.#ive seen kids get curious about it qnd i remember when I was a kid and cueious the first time i saw someone w a white cane#walking to school and i asked my dad about it. i also remember being a kid and not getting out of the way fast enough and#lightly bumping into a person w a white cane#anyways my point is. im not saying theres no people who're shitty about it here i al sure there are#and i know for a fact that blind people do suffer from discrimination here and ut fucking sucks#but. nothing at all like that post describes. im pretty sure thats just. usamerican bs. or not bs but. sucking really bad. or smth#mine#me#personal
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the mortifying ordeal of today being a potluck day.
#purrs#delete later#it’s been 3.5 years since i last was at one and somehow it’s exactly as miserable as it was before if not worse. also why am i being fucking#guilt tripped into doing this and participating in it. im fucking 24 years old. i should get to choose how to spend my time. i should not be#a prop to make my mom look good for running the perfect vegan family. like it sounds like a cartoon but i don’t fucking care about being#vegan and i never did. i just got scared into it and i fucking resent being a prop put on display and unable to do what i want because i#have all this shit in my head about what’s healthy and what’s not and what will make my mom and her community ashamed of me. i fucking hate#these potlucks i hate having to be fake nice to the people who go to them who are so annoying and revolting and i hate being fucking TWENTY#FOUR and forced into doing things i don’t want to do because im afraid of my mom and afraid of myself. my weekends are precious. my choices#are precious. i am not a child anymore. i do not exist to make her look good or feel better about herself. my thoughts and choices are my#own and i own them. i do not want to have anything to do with this and i never did. people are going to get all in my face and im going to h#have to act like a kid again and make myself small and it’s so EMBARRASSING i am an adult!!!!!! im a late bloomer but im an adult. and i get#to choose my life and i get to rebel if i want to. but im not brave enough and we have to go in an hour 30. fucking hellllll#like the fact that my family hosts these. and it’s seen as a FAMILY thing when it’s just my mom. 💀💀💀💀 like please let me have my own life a#and interests and spend my time the way i want to. lol#food#ask to tag
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I'm going to draw wktd fanart (to cope with a highly specific situation) while I still have the time for it (looming employment) and that is a promise to myself (I probably have something else I said I'd work on but whatever)
#I strt at the end of the month and I'm#I'm not even gonna say I'm scared I'm not I'm just not quite excited either? I'll pull through#and hopefully eat better and be able to buy fun things thaNK FUCK#however also taxes. I am not looking forward to taxes#like it's literally an ideal position if I don't manage it for whatever reason that'll be uh. something big for me to find out limits wise#but it's whatever I'm curious and I gotta try#and like I said god I'll be so happy to be able to afford hyper specific autism approved food that's gonna make everything so much easier#oh also the hyper specific situation? don't worry about it. just know I'm going to cry into whatever I draw for that game atm#I mentioned it in the post I made about it these days I literally skimmed through lines of one of the endings and immediately cried a single#Annoying tear. I feel like I don't cry about life things as much as would be healthy to and when I do I don't cry right#so I just get so annoyed at these sudden single tear moments when I'm not even putting effort into anything they just leak out#because something on a screen hit too close to home in an instant but I can't even properly Feel it because I'm focused on something else#and the thing in question has well been Acknowledged and rendered Irrelevant#it's not satisfying like crying for being engrossed on a story and/or characters and I absolutely hate how idk picturesque? it feels#people criticize drawing crying with a pretty single tear all the time it feels so fake and forced to fit the medium in a way that's still#appealing and consumable but I'm just a person with depersonalization issues. reverse derealization. everything's real except me#anyways I wasn't spiraling I will continue to not spiral about that at this moment but that's constantly there in my brain#and I'm going to draw the body horror lesbian polycule about it#Void fala aí#oh yeah I promised field sib content uh I can easily do that as a warm-up on a work day obviously pfft#''end of the month'' she's so pretentious you mean next week
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love it when i’m insecure so i portray a persona and everyone thinks i’m something or someone i’m not because i’m good at acting and then somebody gets to know the Real Me and they’re confused and disappointed and i’m faced with the fact that i am actually so deeply flawed and insane. love that!
#someone pls tell me how to stop acting bc idk who i even am anymore#where does the fake version of me end and the real me begin?#like no i’m not confident and i get so scared of intimacy even though i act like i love it#because i have a very good understanding of what people want and i just want to be desirable and wanted#but then when someone actually wants me i freeze up and it’s so stupid but this is who i am#i’m a scared shy little fucking loser take it or leave it#(maybe they’re right about me being a manipulator)#i just really hate myself and i need so badly to be a different person than who i really am because i fucking hate him#bitchin an complainin ⛧#shut up i’m talking ⛧#bpd ⛧
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apparently sometimes I will just fall asleep for 2 hours, have a dream that consists entirely of having a lovely conversation with someone I really want to talk to more, then wake up, realise the conversation never happened, also remember how much I struggle with starting conversations sometimes, then just end up getting frustrated and upset about it
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#dream posting#I'm trying to get myself to be better at approaching people I want to talk to#and I'm trying to internalise the whole ''if you want to do it but you're scared then do it scared'' thing#but I also am just better at starting a conversation if I have a specific thing I can send someone or ask about or whatever#trying to send completely normal stuff like ''hey! how's it going'' feels so painfully scripted we start panicking about it sounding weird#which I've just realised probably came from some specific experiences as a teenager... fuck 🙃#apparently sometimes you get to randomly make a fun little connection between struggling to start conversations now#and being bullied by family members for any part of your speech that sounded ''scripted''#despite being the ones that taught you to use those scripts to start conversations in the first place#''you should open conversations like this and ask these questions'' and then we'd do exactly that and get made fun of in front of everyone#I fucking hate this. oh yay we were bullied for saying things like ''how's it going?'' and ''how are you today?''#and ''what have you been up to lately?'' and pretty much any other basic conversation opener#and now we can't start a fucking conversation the normal way because we feel too stiff and awkward and like we'll be judged for it#because we'd ask how someone was doing and be laughed at in front of everyone for sounding ''scripted'' and ''fake''#awesome. now I need to process all of that bullshit too#I'm realising how much we got bullied for our speech patterns in general and oh my fucking god
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Vent
#im so relieved that the only way you get to percieve me is through curated pictures and videos. that youll never see me in my bad days#or in my ugly clothes#or with horrible skin waking up with a hangover#youll never see my truly bad side#and im happy for that#your empty sweet promises lets me be the prettiest version of myself to you even if im not much to write home about compared to your friends#im perfectly fine with you never learning of my bad habits#never knowing how despicable i look when i cry or how pathetic i am about horror#not knowing how my body looks without posing#not knowing how i snore or how i am messy or how i dissociate staring into space#im happy you never get to see the truly ugly parts of me#even if youve already experienced me breaking down or being extremely attached over text#youll never have to handle that irl#thank god#i love you#your fake affection lets me pretend im better than i am#your many fake promises will never come true and thus you will never be disgusted by me#you wont have the chance to see me as anything but an annoying but averagely pretty person on the internet. im scared of meeting you.#and if you for some odd reason ever end up meeting me. i think it would hurt even more because once you leave youll never come back.#id never see you again. youd be out doing something else experiencing new exciting adventures meeting new gorgeous people#and giving empty promises to other love struck idiots like me. and theyll fall for you just as much. and theyll realise how youll never stay#youre never going to change#youre never going to belong to anyone. to anywhere. youll be a free person that destroys the hearts of us bystanders that you seduce#how am i ever to love someone else when you're this great. who would ever compare. who would even begin to be on your level.#i know youre so out of my league it catches me off guard every time you give me attention.#even if the only attention you give me is sexual.#it always leads to it being sexual.#i guess thats what im being kept around for#i wonder what you feel when you think of me. if you ever tell others about me. if you ever think of me. if i matter#but i know you dont feel anything. i know. im just another friend.
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“man why does everyone hate me ?!”
authors note: it was simple. he was the most unlikable person alive.
#i have so many. sigh.... like i don’t even have the energy anymore bro#i’m like why do all my friends hate me why am i so alone why am i so isolated when I DO IT TO MYSELF..#i withdraw because i have no empathy anymore... i don’t even really have the energy to fake sympathy..#it’s as bad as it sounds#i really do ask myself why i’m so alone when i a. deserve to be and b. am too mentally ill to form meaningful connections#everyone hurts me and scares me and i don’t GET anything. like ever. i don’t understand anything. i want to die because#this life gave me this burden of my mental illness and it’s so big and takes over everything and#even getting help it was an unmanageable beast ... and everything feels so far away.. so fake .. so#it’s not real y’all. it can’t be#This cannot be how i actuallt grew up#if ten year old honey saw me he would be inconsolable lol. anyway i uh#that picture of the runway fashion model wearing the shirt that says#my demons won today. sorry#that’s me except for my whole life. like sorry. i won’t ever get better. there’s nothing more to me besides being miserable#i never see myself as someone to overcome it that isn’t me. so i’ll die with this pain clasped in my hand like a pearl#laughing my Dayum ass off!!!!??
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.
#god fucking damn it. i am giving in and making a vent post made entirely in the tags#whatever terror laserblast wouldve gone through if he decided to be upfront with POINT and not fake his death. im going THROUGH it#sure would be nice if people could be happy for me going on T. instead of reacting like theyre at a goddamn funeral.#me n laserblast are both very much cowards who care more about what others think than about being who we are#but *I'm* subjecting myself to coming out to people before T forces me to be out whether i like it or not#and its so fucking scary. i literally feel anxiety nausea 24/7 and start literally Shaking when i think about it#i can barely function from being so scared of how theyll react.#im literally financially independent and will be 100% safe no matter how they react!!! im just THAT scared of what other people think of me#and obviously i dont have anyone irl who is supportive and happy for me otherwise i wouldnt be venting on goddamn tumblr#nothing more heartbreaking than needing to go through something that im overjoyed about without being able to celebrate it with ANYONE#its also infuriating. i couldve been on T *years* ago if i had supportive people in my life.#i dropped out of COLLEGE because of dysphoria. i couldve had a DEGREE by now#transphobia takes so many possibilities away from people.#well im not letting it take anything else away from me. im not letting ANY amount of fear stop me anymore. people can fucking deal with it.#im not putting up the facade of my gender assigned at birth anymore.#no matter what happens next.#im trying so hard to genuinely believe it when i say 'fuck it im gonna transition no matter what' but anger is so difficult to hold on to.#it takes so much energy. its easier to just feel heartbroken about people i care about cutting me out of their lives.#well. itll get easier eventually. its just gonna suck more than anything else thats ever happened in my life first.
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i love how getting better looks so different for everyone like. i smile less and i complain more and that's a Good thing
#by that i mean i'm not forcing myself to smile and put up an overly friendly facade 24/7#and i actually express my emotions even the negative ones and aren't as scared of conflict now#like. i did get ''meaner'' and i think i really needed that because faking an Always Happy Never Inconvenient self was destroying me Lol#and to an outside pov it might look like i'm not doing well but i'm Thriving actually like. i love being a hater with rbf#i don't have to smile when i don't want to i don't have to think about how i sit i don't have to stay silent when someone says some shit#being myself means being All of it. not just the bits people are going to like#crush 40 voice i am all of me
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What is the earliest special interest/ hyperfixation you remember having? (Mine was Lilo and stitch which is probably not that surprising)
In media? Probably atla In general though I think it was wildlife? I think mostly big cats, sharks and turtles oh! And dinosaurs of course lol
#I know that I have a book about sharks and other sea creatures that have the pictures as puzzles it's from when I was so small#there was an incident way back when I still went to sunday school where I took my dinosaur fun fact magazine w me and got scolded#not because I was reading it instead of paying attention or anything that asshat just thought dinos were fake and unholy or something#man I can't really remember which tyle of animal I fixated on First but I sure did#I knew a lot of stuff I kind of miss that#I got so SO many turtle plushies at some point I am so sad my big one that has a pouch with eggs got mold in her like genuinely sad#mom: "oh yeah when you were six you were so talkative you'd tell a taxi driver about animals and stuff as well as if you were a grown up!''#me: ''....... that's that's because I was interested on that doesn't that strengthen my point?''#mom: ''no it proves you were actually great at communication and then something happened so can't be autism :)''#I remember being normal about finding nemo too bit less because of the actual movie and more because of the research they put into it#like I got the book from it that compared the real animals with how they are in the movie and watched the bonus features like a lot#especially the angler fish like it scared me at first but I got really into deep sea creatures at some point too#and lions and tigers and onças were just easy to find on wildlife channels#I got my turtle plushies from a conservation institute and I got a bunch of other stuff too#I might as well have bought one of each of everything in the gift shop lol#I used to be able to tell right away which species one was and knew exactly which ones could be found on national beaches#man......#I'm gonna stop for now lol#a tag for asks#no wait actually I have a couple more stories akdhkajs fuck ok#so like I vividly remember going to fairs about these regularly when I was really really small#like every year or so there'd be two events I liked a lot#one was the dinosaur one which would have skeleton replicas some videos about them being wiped out but my favorite part#was near the end where they'd have. buried some fake fossils on sand#and us kids were given proper brushes and everything to play paleontologist#I remember also some animatronics there literally just one in a box where you could input commands cause it was such high tech at the time#I got home with one of those egg things that would slowly dissolve on water and give you a surprise tiny dinosaur too#I saw them on regular street market fairs all the time but they were too expensive to get outside of the occasion#the other was a shark one where you could pet one! debatable ethically now that I'm grown but back then it was awesome!#I know the species and it was a calm bottom feeder one but I never learned it's name in english anyway thank u!!!! this was fun!
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Why did I stop checking my Seb fanpage!!!!!!!!
#am i dumb????#also no i can't open it now because then I'll have to reply now#STAY TUNED FOR TOMORROW#It'll just be some like of a story that i posted on there two weeks ago#that's fair enough#but still#SEB I'M SORRY#I'm a fake fan!!!!!!!#how long ago was 10 weeks#last time i saw him irl was king's birthday when i was walking from the netty to the footy and i turned up the ramp and#Seb and his queen consort sort of walked past me and i was following them all the way up the ramp and to the MCG#that was cool#i was too scared to say hi
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