Why did I stop checking my Seb fanpage!!!!!!!!

god it is so insane getting so close to the end of making this base. like it feels fake that in like a week from now im gonna have it out but IM SO CLOSEE to being done it is real i know i can hit that deadline.. but i feel like im in the infinite mental dragon prison tunnel

also happy belated 10th anniversary to the birth of brianskangs askjdfhkasjd

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My most male trait is the "ye I can do that" attitude abt stuff I have no means of actually knowing whether I can do

46 minute psychoanalytic russian interview with andrey? i’m so sat.

I could/should elaborate when I’m not falling asleep as I am rn but like. I feel like for the people who you “mourn” who have died young and/or suddenly who you knew only in passing, or only casually interacted with, or were once close to but in the years between then and their death you barely spoke, etc etc etc, you arent actually mourning them or their presence in ur life (and now palpable absence) (supposedly) but just what it means to be a human on earth who has to grapple with inevitable loss and the immense weight of what a Person is and their footprint on everyone they interact with that is fleeting even tho there are several billions of us on the floating rock but none of those billions of lifetimes are ever overlapping 100%…. sigh :/

oh no. i feel like if i do not consume an entire load of bread in the very near future i will simply cease to exist.

long rambling personal about chronic pain under the cut

on thursday's pt session they were having me work with someone different cause my usual was taking time off. he asked if anywhere hurt more during an exercise and i said my knees and he got all serious and had me do a thumb hypermobility stretch and asked if eds runs in my family, if i experience any other joint pain and for how long. i told him 'uh idk' and 'yes all over' and 'as long as i can remember but it's gotten really bad in recent years and i also have nerve pain' and then we just kinda looked at each other. and then he was like '...alright keep going with the exercise, i'm thinking' and at the end when he said goodbye he seemed like sad or guilty and opened the door for me and i didn't realize why at the time because the session had been harder than any of the others but not like insane but OH MY FUCKING GOD has my pain been bad this weekend. it's times like these that i'm glad i live with my family.

and also. i researched eds in more depth and. it's fucking uncanny. how the hell did this not come up when i was researching before because it is like exact and touches on some symptoms i hadn't even considered to be related to my pain. if it's not heds it's probably hsd i guess?? which is

i beat bg3 today but the ending i got for gale soured the entire fucking experience now i have to go back over a hundred hours to go redo this shit so i can get the "good" ending because what i just got simply was NOT IT

Hey keri!! I don't want you to worry about people thinking you're faking anything and stuff like that - what you're doing and how you're approaching it is completely normal and healthy, everything you've said about the shades of pink in that post makes a lot of sense! people know that recovery isn't a straight line, but more wiggly with ups and downs, and you're such a sincere and nice person that I really don't think anyone is going to be whisper whisper about you making it up for attention or stuff like that - especially when the way you present and talk and vent about it is so different to how someone "doing it for views/attention" would be - but honestly I think a lot of people and I really understand the fear of this and the worry, but I think you should feel reassured that nohody is going to be thinking that. Recovery is complex and multifaceted and we understand, and we're all so proud of how well you're doing!! Sorry if this is a bit rambly or doesn't make sense, I find it hard to get thoughts into words sometimes. We're all rooting for you ✨💕🌻

HI YELLOW THANK YOU!!!! 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

I appreciate you writing this all out for me! And dw it all makes PERFECT sense to me, you are wonderful at phrasing things and also I love you <3

I want to believe it's true, that people can use their braincells if they see me posting a picture of my self insert wearing my favorite pink shirt, and think to themselves "oh wow look, Keri is working on healing, good for her!!!" but I've gotten some confused messages where people are like "why would you make your S/I wear a pink shirt if pink is a trigger? why are you reblogging pictures of Starscream if looking at him is a trigger?" and it's just so hard to have to explain myself over and over and over, that I'm 5 months into the healing process, that Starscream isn't a trigger anymore so much as he is someone I am heavily grieving now, that damn I love pink sooo much and I don't want it to be a trigger anymore, I genuinely want to heal and that means I'm going to have to put in the work!!! I am going to have to look at these things and allow these feelings to wash over me, to reassure myself that I am in control. I do this in my therapy appointments, I do this when I know I'm feeling stable enough to look at these things, and on my horrible days when I can't look at them whatsoever then I just simply don't.

But nowadays when I'm starting to feel myself improve even just the smallest bit, I start to get scared that ppl aren't going to try to understand me no matter how many times I explain how healing from PTSD works. I've been through a lot the last 9 months, I was completely alone with ppl who were convincing me that my feelings weren't valid, so naturally when I come back online I assume ppl are going to think my feelings on reclaiming my own triggers at my own pace won't be valid either...

...and me saying that,,, might be silly, considering all the support I've gotten in such a short amount of time,,,,, I shouldn't stress about an incredibly miniscule amount of people who could potentially tell me that I'm "faking it". but I still get so so anxious, it's been SO LONG since I've talked to people again, people who are actually healthy for me to be around, I'm not used to people understanding me or hearing me out, I'm still so scared that I'll turn around and somebody I trust is going to stab me in the back. Nobody has reason to do this, I just,,, I'm so used to it, I endured it for almost a year, so I'm always on guard now ready for someone to plunge that knife into my back when I least expect it. I never used to get anxious abt things like this but I am such a different person now than I was before I left, I feel like my biggest parts of me are missing :( but I am hoping that healing from my trauma little by little by reclaiming the things that were lost to me are going to help me find myself again.

Thank you for telling me that this is a normal part of healing, bc I feel kind of out of my mind and going thru this process is so rough. It's so hard waking up and immediately getting flashbacks, and having other days where I wake up and I'm immediately super cautious, so tense that my chest will hurt, because I know the flashbacks could start at any point and I have to be "ready" for it. Having anxiety 24/7 is!! wild!!! and I keep going up and down when I'm healing and it makes me feel weird, it makes me feel like I am going crazy and that I'm "doing this wrong". I know healing isn't linear, like rationally I think deep down I am aware of it at least, but omg I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster over here. I've never had PTSD with multiple triggers and I've never actually had to experiment with reclaiming said triggers. I'm scared of people perceiving me when I'm in such a bad state, judging my every move and deciding whether or not my healing is valid or if I'm doing this "correctly". It's probably silly for me to think these things but it's been really eating at me for the past few days.

But I'm rereading your message a few more times rn and trying to really let it sink in, especially when you say I'm a nice/sincere person ;-; thank you. Most people know me by now, I have been online for a longass time, I truly hope people know I'm genuine and I would never "fake something for attention", especially when it involves my comfort characters, like... this is literally the worst thing to ever happen to me, I couldn't fake this if I tried lmao;;;

Thank you for sending me a reassuring message, I appreciate it <3

reflecting on some of my Behaviors as a child/teenager & I am starting to think I may also 1) have been having Compulsions & 2) some of my recurring intrusive thoughts are things i’ve been thinking about since I was very young & didn’t know what intrusive thoughts were & for some reason I never registered that Those thoughts were probably related to the other, more frequent/worse intrusive thoughts I started having as I got older

My face got sunburned enough today that when I scratch an itch my fingers leave a white line for like three minutes afterwards 😬

While it is a known fact that corporate greed neuters a lot of stories and severely limits what kinds can be told and does not give a fuck about quality as long as it sells...

I do feel like some critiques of this fact end up creeping into false and potentially dangerous "if it weren't for capitalism media would cater to MY SUPERIOR TASTE instead, the ONLY reason stories I DON'T like get published is because someone has their finger on the scale because MY taste is about what is OBJECTIVELY GOOD and anyone who disagrees is an ANTI-INTELLECTUAL CORPORATE DRONE" and "if storytelling trends move in a direction I dislike it's CLEARLY solely because of CORPORATE GREED what are fads and changing taste" territory and that's. Uh. Bad.

the stare of judgemental confusion is real—

the thing about me and autism is i will continue the hangout long into the night even though i am so drained because all i really need to do is drink water and sit in the group silently while spacing out looking at the pretty glassware and i will tune in 45 minutes fully recharged