#i just really hate myself and i need so badly to be a different person than who i really am because i fucking hate him
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love it when i’m insecure so i portray a persona and everyone thinks i’m something or someone i’m not because i’m good at acting and then somebody gets to know the Real Me and they’re confused and disappointed and i’m faced with the fact that i am actually so deeply flawed and insane. love that!
#someone pls tell me how to stop acting bc idk who i even am anymore#where does the fake version of me end and the real me begin?#like no i’m not confident and i get so scared of intimacy even though i act like i love it#because i have a very good understanding of what people want and i just want to be desirable and wanted#but then when someone actually wants me i freeze up and it’s so stupid but this is who i am#i’m a scared shy little fucking loser take it or leave it#(maybe they’re right about me being a manipulator)#i just really hate myself and i need so badly to be a different person than who i really am because i fucking hate him#bitchin an complainin ⛧#shut up i’m talking ⛧#bpd ⛧
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i’m venting in the tags ignore this
#yelling into the void#most of this will probably be triggering so don’t read it#i really need to fucking scream or just have the biggest panic attack of my life to get this stupid feeling out of my chest#i need a coping skill that doesn’t involve smoking or starving myself or hurting myself in some way#all i want to do is starve myself but im forcing myself to eat and im proud of myself for it but i also hate myself for it#i hate everything right now#i want to be a different person so badly#someone that people don’t move on from so quickly#there is probably so many typos and this might not make any sense but oh well
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I currently need to throw my phone into a river because if my mum looks through my phone I'm fucked
#it'll out me as a system and having various mental illnesses#She'll get mad at me for having online friends#she'll probably force me to block them or something and I want to stay friends with them#Without them I have like 2 friends#And only 1 person I can actually be open with#And every single day I cry because I'm scared of losing the only person who knows me for me#I'll be cut off from the entire world and she'll expect me to be happy#I'm happy when I don't have to hide myself but I can't do that here#I'm in a country that hates me and you except me to feel safe going outside?#The only way I'd feel safe is if I changed my name legally and moved to a completely different country#I can't handle living in England and I don't feel safe in this town#I'll just get harassed or I'll see my rapist and have a panic attack#I need mental help so fucking badly but I live in England where my only fucking option is either better help#Or a Councillor who won't take me seriously#The last 2 counsellors I had were shit#The first one talked down to me constantly and there was a language barrier between me and the second so half the time I had no clue-#- what she was saying#My sh is only getting worse#I've finally started bleeding from my sh#And now I'm scared to show my arms around my parents because they'll blame the internet for it#Not the years of bullying or the emotional abuse or the fact I'm still trying to compute the fact I was fucking raped#I blame myself for everything#The internet is how I try to heal#If I get that taken away from me then I'll have nothing#I'll probably try to convert to Christianity just so I have something to believe in#Even though the idea of a god makes me really fucking paranoid#Nothing fucking helps anymore#The only thing I fucking have is my stupid fucking phone#I'm going to kill myself I swear to fuck#Because in this fucking society all I fucking get is oppressed
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so i don't know if this is a post i'm gonna keep up cause, like i said, i don't really like talking candidly about aspects of my personal identity often these days, and lord knows i especially hate talking about legal identity and all the dissonance that entails. but this week was a pretty big one for me and i can't shake the desire to share my enthusiasm for even just a fleeting moment.
my name has been a sticking point in my mind for a long time. i've adopted many different ones. first, middle, last, you name it. i've been searching most of my life for a moniker that represented my true self socially, and a surname to distance myself from someone in my life who hurt me very badly and never really learned how to stop.
obviously for a long time now I've been Penny Parker to 98% of people who know me, and for the past couple that number has been bumped up to a solid 99% with a few stragglers. it's a name that is so mundane and assumed at this point that tbh I've even come to resent certain aspects of it. which to me is actually beautiful. i find that mundanity, that nuance, extremely telling of how it encapsulates my life. it's a fully three-dimensional reflection, smudges and sparkles and everything in between.
of course, i only just moved out on my own 3 years ago. and unfortunately that had to be the starting point to make this social and personal progress i've been sitting on for half a decade at least now official, tangible, legal. i've been playing a game of catch-up i didn't sign up for, but it's one that does have a silver lining in that i feel more in resonance with who i am and who i want to be than i ever did before being granted this independence.
and as of this week, i have the pleasure of entering an era of my life where the dissonance between who i am in speech and who i am in contract is nonexistent. my name is Penny Olivia Parker. i'm the same as i've always been, but getting better every day at it. soon i'll even have a license to match!
sometimes more of an Olivia Parker in brief moments nowadays tbh but i haven't worked out the details yet. nothin you need to stress over, ill take care of it. the full set is just fine and legally recognized, which is all i've wanted for as long as i can remember.
this isn't the end of my journey, both excitingly and unfortunately haha, but this is yet another huge milestone for me and in certain respects it's one of the biggest i've managed. i'm so happy to still be here. if you're reading this, thank you for being here too.
also those of you who watched my direct reactions the other day might have a little more insight as to why i was so emotional that the day after a judge signed my legal name change a new game by the Sonic Mania devs was announced called "Penny's Big Breakaway" LOL, it was a lot to handle for me but i wasn't sure how much i wanted to say just yet.
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I wanna know who your favorite vinsmoke sibling is so bad actually please tell me 👀✨
My friend and my brother laughed at me when I told them my favorite Vinsmoke is Niji, and I genuinely was embarrassed that day because I didn't really know much about him at the time (I think I had only watched a few eps of WCI) and it's pretty clear in the show that he's, uh, the worst of the Vinsmokes. And by "the worst" I mean: The one who's portrayed as the worst because he's the most active one when it comes to abuse and supremacism within the family line. Unlike Ichiji (who's more serious) and Yonji (who's more playful, somehow) Niji is the one who has to actually fight for a role in his family and that's why I think he's so fucking annoying all the damn time. I hate him. I love him. I want to hug him. But also I wouldn't mind punching him very, very hard. I have mixed feelings, but yeah, Niji is my favorite Vinsmoke. And you haven't asked why, but I feel the need to do some sort of mini argument about this because I am a very resentful person and I want to show my friend and my brother that Niji is actually a very interesting character!! And my fiancé thinks I just like him because he's hot, and she's right but only like a 20%. Maybe 40%.
I will try to put my thoughts into words, but it's pretty difficult because I have a lot of things to say about this blue evil gremlin.
I like Niji the most because I think he is, between the three brothers, the one who shows feelings and ambitions outside their emotionless selves the most. I know they technically are the same, but I don't think so (btw, please assume I'm not including Reiju in this text because she's canonically different from them and I'm just referring to the brothers).
As I mentioned before, I think Niji is the one brother who is the most annoying and evil because he feels the need to stand out. Ichiji is serious, and calculative and has a secure place in the family. He is the number one, even if Reiju is the oldest (I would like to talk more about how Reiju, being a woman, even if she's the oldest, she's the number 0. Because she is the oldest but she's a woman, so she obviously doesn't and would not be able to wear the number 1 like a man would. She is the oldest and yet, she has less significance in the family line than Ichiji. But, yeah, this is something that has nothing to do with Niji, sorry). Ichiji, like all of his siblings, wants recognition from his father, but he doesn't have to try as hard as the others to be impressive because he is, after all, the oldest. The typical "older sibling in an abusive household who has to deal with all the bullshit to protect their siblings"? That's something Reiju took over. That's Reiju's responsibility as the oldest and the woman. Ichiji literally doesn't have to do anything besides leading the team and being the evil, emotionless machine his father created. That does not mean that I don't think he could be able to develop more feelings, because I think he could and I love the concept of him being the first one to protest against Judge's behavior, but you get me. When you're the oldest brother with an even older sister, your responsibilities are pretty limited. So he doesn't have to be anything but there and himself.
Yonji, on the other hand... He is the youngest. Even younger than Sanji. He doesn't have to try, because Niji and Sanji should be the ones to do so. Little siblings are not expected to do much besides existing because irl parents are usually tired of raising children and they end up either getting neglected or seen as decoration. As a little sibling myself I can confirm that these things affect really badly to your brain growing up, but I got a more Sanji treatment so I can't speak for Yonji here. The thing I can say, though, is that in comparison to Niji, Yonji is just there. He's silly and goofy. He's funny. He's dumb. He has the excuse of being the little one to act that way. Getting lost eating or doing whatever. Even the fact that his powers are more physically focused instead of power/intelligence centered shows that he can just punch away his issues. He's the gym bro of the siblings. Don't expect much from him. <- Thing that's often said about little siblings, btw, and affects real fucking badly in early teenage years. The fact that he's portrayed like that is so on point tbh but after all, they don't have high expectations for him, so little to no effort is everything he does.
Then there's Niji, of course. My favorite. Love him. Hate him. Whatever. Niji is the middle child. And God, do I have to say things about middle siblings.
The thing about Niji is that he actually has to try and make a name for himself in the family because otherwise he'll probably get forgotten. I often wonder if he had that fear of becoming the next Sanji once he "died" (he's the only one genuinely asking if Sanji died on them before Yonji and Ichiji say they don't care) because his role is not as noticeable as the others. Reiju is the woman, Ichiji is the successor, Sanji is the weakling getting bullied (being technically one of the little siblings but still being in a limbo of middle/youngest because the little one is Yonji), and Yonji is the little one. Then... What's Niji?
Niji needs Sanji way more than he's willing to admit, and I love that. I absolutely love how he's written because he constantly shows that he needs Sanji, through both words and actions. He needs him because without Sanji's existence -without Niji being his bully- Niji is nothing but number 2. And there's nothing more frustrating than being the number two when it comes to family hierarchy. Not going to mention every little thing he does, but as I said, I love how well-written he is. He's the sibling Oda uses the most to show the abuse Sanji went through, but that's only because Niji is the only one who needs to do that. Niji is the one to talk to Sanji first, all the damn time. He gets angry when Sanji doesn't respond. He gets angry because Sanji can't be bullied anymore. He gets angry out of fear, in my opinion, because if the weakling can't get abused anymore, then he's not worth anything. If Sanji isn't the third, the second one is left alone. 2 can't fight 1 because 1 has the protection of starting the line. And 2 can't fight 4 because there's a missing link that keeps 2 from 4. So Niji is mad at Sanji because Sanji isn't the same weak crybaby he used to be, and he can't use him anymore to be secure and safe.
That's fucking horrifying when it comes to family hierarchy.
I like Niji because, despite being an asshole, he has reasons to be like that. First of all, because his father literally made him this way. But also, the little feelings he has (selfish emotions, yes, evil. But they're feelings, anyway. Urges. He's supposed to be emotionless and yet he knows how Sanji feels enough to use that to his advantage) are used as a way to feel superior and safe because he feels inferior. I think he's the one showing more emotions out of the three, even if those emotions aren't healthy or good and it's just him being angry all the time. That means that if he has urges and needs like that, even if he doesn't fear his own death, he could end up developing more and more empathy. His type of empathy comes from a place of fear. He feels what Sanji feels. And it's not that he doesn't care (I mean, I am aware that he technically doesn't, but let me dream) but it's just convenient for him not to care and keep bullying him to secure his place in the family.
Also pointing out that I like Niji because, being the one who says he hates Sanji the most, he's the one to protect him with his own body when that scene of the siblings helping Sanji escape happens. The others only clear the way, Niji stays with him. There's a really cool post about this on Niji's tag somewhere!!! I personally think he does this because, as that post said: Niji keeps seeing Sanji as weak, instead of believing in him enough to just clear the way. He protects him because he thinks he can't protect himself. Because he's weak.
And yes, it might sound offensive and emotionless and it doesn't make Niji a better person. But it makes him an older brother. Believing in Sanji would be great, but thinking that he's weak and needs protection after years of projecting on him only shows that the weak one is Niji. That he wants and is willing to protect his brother, too. If he didn't care about his well-being he would've just cleared the way for him, not caring about what could've happened to Sanji. But he goes all the way to help him out and protect him longer than the others did. Idk. I find that a very beautiful way of ending their relationship.
All of this being said, I have to be honest with you: When I said I liked Niji for the first time I only did it because people around me kept saying he was the worst one and it bothered me because I found his design pretty fucking cool. And tbh when he started being an actual character? I loved him even more. Because during WCI he's a fucking asshole but the way he acts towards Sanji is wanting to get a response from him, and I just find that so curious and complex... Like, if he just wanted to be evil he'd be more the Doflamingo type. But Niji looks for a response in Sanji's eyes. He wants to feel powerful because he knows he isn't.
And also, well, he's very cute and I like his hair a lot and he makes me furious sometimes which is great because if a character doesn't make you want to punch him at one point, is he really a good character? Look at him! He deserves to get slapped in the face. But also, I would love to kiss him afterward. What's that Olivia Rodrigo lyric? Ah, yes: "I wanna break his heart, then be the one to stitch it up. Wanna kiss his face with an uppercut." That's how I feel about him.
I really hope it's obvious, with all of this, that "Succession" is one of my favorite TV Shows, because I could go on and on and on (and nobody would listen but idc) about how the Vinsmokes are just the Roy family. Both One Piece and Succession deal with family in which hierarchy is crucial in a very specific and accurate way. It makes me sick. I love it.
Anyway, have some pics of my blue idiot:
I want to hit him in the head with a baseball bat.
#i am indeed so not normal about niji#the fact that i don't talk more about him is just out of fear of cancellation#because i know he's an asshole but have you considered that his father is an even bigger asshole for making him this way#he has blue hair and pronouns#also i am so not normal about the other siblings i could rant for hours about reiju bc she reminds me so much of my brother#i can go into heavy detail as a sanji kinnie about all of them ngl#my least favorite is yonji but i don't have anything against him i just don't like gym bros but he's a cutie pie#if you're curious my top is niji > reiju > ichiji > yonji#the reason i like reiju is bc she reminds me of my brother and the reason why she's not the first one is bc she reminds me of my brother#one piece#vinsmoke niji#vinsmoke ichiji#vinsmoke yonji#vinsmoke reiju#vinsmoke siblings#germa 66#black leg sanji
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high asf rn wondering what keke characters would be fun to smoke with. neo and ted are in my dream blunt rotation lmao
*��₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ omg wait let me get into this real quick, as a crusty stoner myself, I love this idea (nsfw of the top 5 below)
CW: drug use obvi, aggressive sex, bdsm, choking/spanking/slapping, some dub-ish con, degradation.
So obviously Ted would be the ideal candidate for a smoke sess. Expect the vibes to be extremely chill, likely watching a comedy or feel good movie, he's already set up with the snacks and if not, he loves taking a high walk with you down to the corner store to obtain such things.
Ted also loves high sex, he loves taking his time with you and giving as much as receiving (likely even giving more tbhhh...) He is the type to cuddle his way into sex, somehow you two go from spooning and watching harold and kumar, to him pulling you on top and you grinding yourself all over his cock through his jeans. He likes when you two take things slow, really enjoying the high and each other. He may even be open to sharing you with Bill if that's something you're also open to 🤭
Now, Neo however would be a whole different vibe. He gets high then starts getting extremely deep. What starts out chill very quickly turns into his conspiracy theories and how he's plotting to secretly over throw the government. The good news is he is not immune to the high horniness, and with a few well placed kisses, he's like putty in your hands. He quickly forgets all the crazy ideas he was on, and instead is more focused on how he can get you to sit on his face as soon as possible. I also think he is just as likely to Dom as he is to Sub while high. He may get too high and need you to take control, riding him and using him however you want. He may also find himself suddenly feeling bold enough to finally try that fantasy he always wanted to (maybe it's just me but I see his dom tendencies to be very rough in style, like, I need him making reader a rope bunny, taming a high, bratty reader, choking/slapping/spanking(his high mind is fascinated by how red he can make your cheeks.), using your whole body up as much as he can, degradation mixed with praise when you're a good little slut for him <3 (he's such a perv he likely even gets off on the fact that he feels like he can use you as he pleases while you're so high you can hardly fight back.) 😩)
I personally think both J.W. and J.C. would not be likely to get high with you (J.C. gives me drunk sex vibes for sure tho :3c) but I do think J.W. would take care of your every need (and I mean EVERY need) while you're high. He puts on a movie you enjoy so you don't get anxious, he talks to you sweetly, running his hands through your hair while you enjoy your high and relax. That doesn't mean you two won't have slow and relaxed couch sex while J.W. take over when you can't(expect some service top!J.W. who lays you down on the couch and pleases you until your a twitching moaning mess <3).
Meanwhile J.C. would be more likely to tease you relentlessly and not give you what you so desperately need until you're begging him. He has you all riled up, and you can't tell if you love him or hate him, and he doesn't let up on his mean and grumpy tendencies just because you're intoxicated. He is more than likely to make you work for it, making you grind on his thigh while degrading you for being such a horny slut that can't help herself. I could also see him into using some slaps across the face just to see those pretty little tears of yours well up while he tells you you're not allowed to cum yet, but it's so hard when he's bringing you so close and your body wants it so badly...
With all that in mind, I'm also going to say fully realized Demon!Kevin is going to do SUCHHHH dirty things to you when you two smoke. I would even bet that with his love of vices, he gets you both high in an effort to make sex better, and it would be SENSUAL as all hell. He is shotgunning the smoke into your mouth, he's taking it slow, he's not afraid of breaking out leather whips and toys to really draw out the fun. I'm sure he would love to tie reader up as well, making sure youre helpless for him, and then he can enact his real plan, which is to edge you and overstimulate you until the neighbors are worried for what's going on next door. He likely uses toys as well as his own cock and hands to spice things up, expect vibrators, nipple clamps, ball gags, the whole lot to be used on your so easily manipulated body. And you're like putty in his hands for the whole thing. What makes Kevin so fun is he makes sure to use the first half of the high to completely fuck you out of your mind, until your entire body feels light and fuzzy, and then uses the later half to clean you up and cuddle, whispering sweet things into your ear and catering to your non sexual needs now instead. As much as he can be a bdsm dom he also is extremely well versed in aftercare <3.
*˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳Thank you so much for this ask, sorry it took so long to get to!
#john wick x reader#ted logan x reader#neo x reader#kevin lomax x reader#john constantine x reader#constantine x reader#ask lila#my writing#••• ◛ ʸᵒᵘ’ᵛᵉ ᵍᵒᵗ ᵐᵃⁱˡ!#keanuverse
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Jiang cheng for the ask game
Also asked my @jcs-singular-slut-strand my beloved <3<3<3 and another anon, i'll just put it here. this needs a lot more jin ling but i'm tired sorry
Favourite thing about them: the fact that jiang cheng isn't a genius like wwx. he works hard and he fails and he's still so fucking amazing. he's sandu shengshou, he's sect leader jiang, he's zidian's wielder, he's fucking amazing. jiang cheng goes from this:
the most laughable one was the Yunmeng Jiang Sect, the people of which either had been killed or had scattered, leaving only Jiang Cheng, who was younger than even Lan XiChen and was still a child born yesterday, who had nobody in his hands but still dared call himself sect leader, holding up the banner of rebellion as he recruited new disciples.
to one of the most feared people in the world. everyone needs to clap for him.
propoganda : sect leader jiang convincing rogue cultivators to join, the dichotomy of our poor little dangereuse meow meow, he's trying so hard but he's going the wrong way, man believes his big brother so deeply even when he wants him dead, his fearsome reputation comes from killing his brother but gosh he will cry if you mention that,
Least favourite thing about them: not a least favourite thing tbh just--i so badly wanted the reverse core reveal man. i wanted jiang cheng to throw it in wei wuxian's face that he sacrificed himself first. i know it's not his character, and it's better that way, but i want him to- and then i wanna see the devastation on wwx's face. delicious
Favourite line: this post has that variation of my father picked me five times in my entire life and it made me happy for months that i cannot bring myself to write so you should just click on the link. also, devastation->
the absolute variations of Wei Wuxian!
Don’t you understand? When you’re standing on their side, you’re the bizarre genius, the miraculous hero, the force of the rebellion, the flower that blooms alone. But the second your voice differs from theirs, you’ve lost your mind, you’ve ignored morality, you’ve walked the crooked path. You think you can be immune to all those condemnations as you stay outside of the world and do whatever you want? No such precedent has happened before!
Why do you want his forehead ribbon? To hang yourself and commit suicide? I can lend you my belt, you’re welcome.
Go ahead. What other bad news do you have to report?
something something If you insist on protecting them(the Wen side branch), then I can't protect you
brOTP: Jiang Cheng & Jin Ling. that's his jiujiu, man. you can fucketh right off if you wanna say anything bad. i would love love an explored dynamic between Jiang Cheng & Lan Qiren. also a possible wen ning & jiang cheng or lan wangji & jiang cheng but we are not gonna see it happen in this cannon lmao.
OTP: chengxian. here's why one, two, three, four (gif), five, six, seven (gif), eight (thoughts on different wavelengths), the absolute circles of them saving each other, the fucking golden core reveal scene. golden scene reveal part 2, between this and jonsa, i'm never beating the incest allegations
edit: jiang cheng will always forgive wei wuxian
nOTP: i started out with jiang cheng/lan xichen... but i don't really see it anymore. but i don't hate it either, i will read fics for it if i like the writing.
Random headcanon:
lichtenberg scars. many of them, glowing whenever he uses zidian. here's where i got it from.
man is a savant at politics even if he's loud and angry.
yunmeng jiang absolutely adores their sect leader. i will love you forever if you send me recs all of them. pretend i haven't read a single one.
Lan Qiren has a favourite student that year and his name was not LWJ. Person had the same initials as Jesus Christ.
Unpopular Opinion: liking Jiang Cheng itself might be an unpopular opinion, tbh. but. let me punch wen ning just once. once. i'm sure he's done nothing wrong in his life ever. but please. once
Song I associate with them: zero idea. i'll get back to you on this.
Favourite picture of them:
babey! i think we're underestimating the potential of disney princess jiang cheng // that's his whole damn world he loves them so much // the shepherd's favourite lamb vibes.
#mdzs#jiang cheng#the untamed#jiang wanyin#asks#anon asks#yunmeng shuangjie#yunmeng siblings#yunmeng jiang#i love him. your honor. please
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Weak
Pairing : More of a platonic Miguel O' Hara X Reader
Genre : Angst
Summary : Miguel hates feeling weak, something that you understand more than anyone else.
Request/story idea by: @quimerathetraveler
Wordcount: 0.9 k
Miguel O'Hara Masterlist
( A/N: I’m trying different personalities to see whatever works with his character best, lemme know what ya’ll think. )
Miguel's eyes dart all over the area.
He's injured, badly. A deep gash is crossed over his ribs, and not even the spray supplied by his suit for emergencies is doing him much good.
On top of that, he's exhausted, years of taking care of the multiverse having caught up to him.
" Boss, we got hi- Oh, no." The voice of one of the spider woman who he's come to help speaks as she notices his injury.
He's hunched over, holding his side whilst taking rough deep breaths. He feels vulnerable, hates having everyone' eyes on him.
" Boss, we should get you help!-" MJ calls, taking her mask off.
" No. I'm fine. Bring the anomaly to HQ, I'll get there myself."
MJ is visibly distraught by his words, but does what he says, not wanting to face whatever negative reaction he could bring up in his pain.
As she disappears, he doubles over, nearly forgetting that Jessica and you are at the scene as well.
Jessica sighs deeply before reacting.
" Miguel, maybe we should help. I doubt you'd be able to get back by yourself-"
He glares from the corner of his eye at her.
" I can do it, just g-"
" No you can't. "
Now his eyes shift to you.
Admittedly, he doesn't know you really well, even though your powers are the only ones that are similar to his. You have talons, venomous teeth and superhuman hearing and sight as well. He's barely ever spoken to you before though.
" I-"
" Don't argue with me. I'll jab you in your wound if you're going to be a baby about it. " You scoff, your eyes showing disinterest as you move to help him.
He glares at you, but it doesn't seem to deter you in the slightest.
He's not necessarily surprised to. You've been through a lot in your own universe, the horrors you had to face giving you a pass without doubt into the spider team. You're physically not one of the strongest, but you're fearless, making you one of the stronger ones of the team anyway. It would take a lot more than his glare to shake you.
He can't help but feel puzzled and surprised as you lift his arm over your shoulder. You sync both of your watches, and soon enough you're tearing a gateway with your claws back into universe 2099.
Everyone is surprised when the both of you step into HQ, Jessica having gone back on her own.
Miguel hates the feeling he gets when everyone shares worried glances, them never having seen their boss so vulnerable before.
You must've noticed.
" What? Did none of you ever seen someone injured?" You call out roughly.
Most of the spiders turn their heads. All except Hobie, who gives Miguel a blank look as he so often does before nodding at you.
Hobie and you get along well, the only difference being that Hobie creates a lot of trouble and has quite a big mouth, whilst you refrain in the back. The calm before the storm.
Eventually, you carry him to the infirmary, and help him sit down on one of the beds.
" Will you be okay or do you need me to call a medic?" You ask, creating distance between the two of you again as you step back, leaning against a wall.
" I'll be fine." He says gruffly.
You nod, but don't move away.
He glances at you again, ignoring the sudden spinning in his head.
" What? You can go." He pushes.
" I'm waiting for you to pass out. I'll call a medic after." You tell him nonchalantly, crossing your arms over one another.
He sighs, knowing you're right. He needs help. He can't do it by himself this time.
He doesn't want any more people to see him like this though.
" Can you.... help me?" He asks, looking away with an embarrassing pink dust on his cheeks.
Your eyes widen, surprise evident before they harden again, and you nod.
" I've never done this on someone else other than myself though."
You don't say anything else as you wordlessly get to work.
He tends to forget that you've been alone for a very long time before you joined the team.
You stitch up his wounds carefully, and honestly quite messy. He still rather has this than having more people see him like this.
When you're done, you run a careful finger over the stitches to make sure they're secure before stepping away.
" This is the best I can do. Good luck with it." You tell him, going back to your stoic demeanor.
You turn to leave, not expecting a reply, when he grasps your wrist with his right hand.
You tense in response, not being used to physical contact. Upon noticing it, he lets go.
" Thank you.."
You glance at him, your eyes not betraying your emotions this time as you nod.
" Yeah... Don't get used to it."
#miguel o'hara#miguel o'hara x reader#miguel o'hara x you#miguel o'hara angst#mcu fanfic#spiderman across the spider verse#spider-man 2099
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I'm sorry to send you such a loaded question, but as a young adult, how do you stay motivated and... I don't know, do the things you have to do? Ever since I left high school, I've felt that it's hard to commit to anything, especially the things I have to commit to in order to have a future, because everything seems so monotonous and uninteresting and stressful to me; because I feel like I'm not capable of doing anything, of being competent.
Anyways, I love your blog. Your writings are one of the few things that make me happy on the worst days xx
that’s okay! I’m gonna try and answer you clearly !! cw for suicide mention
So first I want to say that I’m really sorry you feel this way! It’s quite a heart ache to feel uninspired or uninterested, or worse to feel like you’re not capable of doing things everyone else is doing. You deserve to wake up and feel happy and confident in yourself and your abilities! And I want to say I’m sorry in advance if this is not quite the answer you’re asking me for!
so, when I was around 18/19 (and well beyond those years, but this was when I was very done and defeated and, you know, crying myself sick every night if I wasn’t just laying in bed) I was in university, but I didn’t finish the year at campus, and I had to go home. I’m not sure if this is something I should be saying because it’s so personal but I just want to sort of be honest with you cos I don’t want you to think you’re alone in that feeling. But anyways I had to go home, I was really lonely and I just felt like I couldn’t do what everyone else was doing, like there was something wrong with me. I couldn’t cope with the kitchen, I couldn’t use the bathroom there, I didn’t know how to turn the heating on, couldn’t talk to people, couldn’t navigate the bus by myself, and I felt so pathetically stupid, I had such low self esteem for myself that I felt like I should kill myself just because I was so useless —I didn’t WANT to understand these things. I just didn’t want to do anything. And the reason I’m mentioning it is because while I don’t think it’s okay to assume these things of you, I want to emphasise that there can be a common link between feeling like you aren’t capable and a mental health issue! Of course, you can feel quite useless without that though, so not telling you that that’s definitely what you have going on but more wanting to say that if you think it might be useful, you can have a look at mental health issues and perhaps see if you’re relating to them. But beyond that, hopefully on the way to answering your question, is how I managed to feel more capable and how I now find motivation to do things I have to do.
I sort of had to do a reset, or a sabbatical! I’ve always been an upset person unfortunately, and I had a long few months where I didn’t do anything at all. I’m really, really fortunate that my mother let me stay at home while this was happening however reluctant she was, I can’t imagine really what I would’ve done or what could’ve happened to me if she didn’t let me stay there. I always thought about how she could’ve just turned me out and she probably wanted to, because for months I stayed in bed. I didn’t talk to anybody, deleted all my social media, and I stewed in how much I hated myself for not being any good at anything. I felt soooo stupid and so alone, and I probably cried myself to sleep every night wondering about my life and if I’d ever have the motivation to go on. There are still times now where I am intensely upset and unsure about things and what I’m capable of, but the difference between then and now, and the reason for my motivation I think, was that I was able to foster a need for something? I’m really so sorry if this sounds like total total nonsense, but I needed something. I wanted so badly for someone to “save me” from my not being able to do things, I spent a lot of time thinking about that. Like, how I could be saved. And then I strung out the middle man without realising I was doing it! It is very hard to go from having no motivation and no sense of self ability to then being confident, but I do think you can do it! I needed someone to get me a job and I ended up doing it myself, I needed someone to be gentle with me when I was sad so I started speaking to myself with a more kind inner voice and seeing myself as someone who didn’t need to be perfect to be good.
There was lots of bits of advice I tried to take on. Not all of it is kind to myself, some of it is though!! Like, for example, there’s a sort of parody of it now that says “I think you’re thinking about yourself too much” but one of the ways I stopped hating myself and instead started to believe I could do things and achieve was by thinking about the level of self obsession I was feeling to constantly think of myself. And I promise I’m not trying to say something hurtful to you, I absolutely don’t believe you’re self obsessed, but you’re also not incapable!! In a slightly more annoying take on your feelings, why can’t you do it if everyone else can? You absolutely can! I personally believe sweetheart that you can do everything I can, but you need more support, or you need to be fostered with some love. You are not incapable, you are not incompetent, you are a smart, kind, and important person. There is nobody else like you on the entire planet and I’m better for it that you’re here.
I apologise profusely if I’m projecting too much on you, I’m not trying to say you must feel exactly as I did years ago, but I think your ask really is important and I really want to give you an answer to your question because I know I felt exactly the same at some point. Working toward a future self I didn’t even like or believe in was boring. Nothing in me wanted to work hard or study or continue because I didn’t look forward to achievement.
sorry this is all so long! Hopefully this last bit is the actual advice you might be able to use. Beyond that wisdom about trying not to dedicate too much time to thinking of myself, there are lots of “rules” I tend to live by, in order to just keep going forward. For starters, you deserve to have fun. You deserve good food, nice clothes (not showy though you deserve those too, but nice sturdy clothing), a warm safe house, and you need to work for it! We defo deserve to work less for things but I keep going and trying to better myself because I know I need to do this in order to be comfortable. This will sound out of left field, because the focus of the book is not strictly motivation, but there’s a graphic novel called my lesbian experience with loneliness by Nagata Kabi that has stuck with me because she has this same sort of view as to feeling like she’s stuck in monotony, and there’s one bit in particular where she talks about doing things for yourself you might not do, I.e making sure you have underwear and socks that are clean and whole. I grew up poor and I’m not super rich now either, but since I read that, one of my priorities is having whole and clean underwear, and that did help me find the motivation to work or to study. We need to function in a way to maintain good standards for ourselves, and even if you have boxes of clean socks, there might be something in your life you can think about working toward! I throw away underwear or any clothes that don’t fit me right, and I don’t feel guilty about it when I would’ve before because I know that feeling well dressed is good for your heart. Does that make sense? To give yourself a good standard of life, you have to keep going. As well as that, another way I stay motivated to go on which I’ve talked about before maybe (not that I expect you to have read this) is my writing. I’m motivated sometimes to do things I have to if only because I need free time to think deeply about the things I want to think about. Also I love writing more than pretty much anything, even if most writers will look at what I’m doing and laugh or wonder why I’d dedicate so much time to some things in particular, because I love it. If I can make sure my rent is paid every month, that’s a promise I have a room to sit in every night where I can write whatever story I want! Another motivation is my ability to give bits of myself? It sounds ridiculous because I don’t genuinely believe I’m giving myself to people but to try and be a positive part of someone life is a good place to start if you feel purposeless. My relationships with my sisters are a tether for me and I’ve tried so hard and so much to make these relationships count, as well as with long distance friends, and recently ish I got back into contact with friends I couldn’t maintain relationships with when I was feeling down, and now my life feels very changed. I don’t live solely for myself, (though it’s okay if you do, because its hard and sometimes a lot of pressure to live for and around others) so that gives my life more purpose, and gives me more reason to do things I have to do. I also desperately enjoy this blog !!
I’m genuinely so sorry if this is all useless. I’ve been typing this answer since like 1:05 and it’s much later now, but it’s because it’s hard to describe to you the things that give motivation, because I know deep down how impossible it feels when you have none. I don’t expect you to read this and think aw jade you’ve solved it I’m fine now actually, I just hope that one thing in here can lend you an idea as to what to do next. If you’re struggling to go on, there are lots of options available to you in the UK such as the SHOUT text line for stress, depression, and eating disorders. They’re free to text and anonymous! I don’t think there’s one answer to giving yourself purpose, it is a very hard life and I don’t blame you for feeling incapable or bored or worried or anything you’re feeling, but I do for sure know you can do this, because I can do it, if that makes sense. Like I bet we’re extremely different people on account of uniqueness but also bet we have so many similarities!! And I certainly don’t mind guessing that you’re a loving, caring, person who deserves to feel more fulfilled. It’s my recommendation that you try to understand why you’re not feeling your best right now, that you talk to someone if you can, that you have some faith in yourself, and that you treat yourself with the same love and patience as you would any other person experiencing burnout!
again I’m so so sorry if this is all rubbish. I’m forcing myself to stop now. So sorry if it doesn’t make sense or if half of this is completely unrelated to what you’re asking. I love you and I hope you feel better, genuinely truly ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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yo its me about the camgirl thing and uh could you do it for kisaki and kazutora?
I've been busy all day and week but THIS ask has been haunting me and i'm so happy to finally write it, thanks for sending it in I might do a part two IDK
TW: YANDERE BEHAVIOR, MINORS DNI, VOYERISM, NSFW, STALKING, MANIPULATION, DUBCON, KISAKI AND KAZUTORA ARE THEIR OWN WARNING, DADDY DOM,
Yandere! Kisaki Tetta
Met you IRL first, as an office worker doing part time. You were a very dedicated and kind person, you had that genuine charm about you that told him it wasn't just an act. You really did care.
He was confused because despite the many offers from many of the men in the office (that he owned) you never took an interest in any of them.
"I can take care of myself, I don't really need anyone to do it for me." Ya right. He payed his workers good, but not that good for a part-timer.
Then he did some research and dug up your true gig. The CAM GIRL persona you had was extremely popular, and that fact drove him INSANE.
He hated that this what you reduced yourself too. Revealing and demeaning yourself for the money... Still all the anger and shame in the world never stopped him from making his own account and dropping waaaaay too much money in your donation bin.
"Ooooo~! Another big donation from 'darkhero'! Thanks, Daddy! I'll put on a special show just for you~!"
He feels so sick and gross, but none of that stops him from pulling his cock out of his pants and moaning along with you during your show.
He buys out your private shows, buys you all the best toys and lingerie and then has you display them for him so he can makes sure his baby girl is having fun playing with all her new things.
"Da-daddy~! Its too much," you'll whimper out riding the new thrusting toy he got you, with the pretty pink plug vibrating in your ass. [You can take it, be good for daddy and keep going~] he'll type out, smirking to himself because he knows just how to break you in the best ways.
"You're honestly really good at this," you tell him one night after his private show, "I'm not just saying that. You'd make a good dom, ever think of making your own channel." and he likes hearing you be genuine with him. He knows what the truth sounds like coming from you.
[I only want to be your Daddy. No one elses, Kitten.] and he really like the way you smile at that. What he likes better is that you start to reach out to him first.
[Interested in a private show? I'll give you a discount?] Now that's too good, Kitten. He has you hooked on him just as badly as you have him hooked on you.
He indulges every time, god knows he has the capital to afford all the time you want to give and then some.
Kisaki is a possessive man though, and he can't take it anymore eventually. Sharing you with all these other unworthy and filthy people who only want your body. He knows you, the real you. No one else deserves you like he does.
Using his connections he has you account banned for something incredibly minor. But your site is completely doxxed, and soon you're running out of money.
Now you're working full time in Kisaki's main office. Where he can take care of you and keep an eye on you.
Yandere!Kazutora Hanemiya
Is completely infatuated with you. Found your camgirl page on a long lonely night. He hasn't gone on dates or even tried to pull women because he's too filled with guilt to even think about being happy with another person.
So he's just scrolling through and finds one of your videos, the stream is starting in like 5 seconds and he figures he'll just give it a shot and if he doesn't like it then he'll go to a different video, right?
Your profile picture is cute, and you're just his type. The video is a special freebie, so maybe it'll be a good one.
"Welcome home, Darling. Long day~?" you say on the other side of the screen, and Kazutora can't help but roll his eyes. It must be some type of roleplay, and he's honestly not trying to use too much of his imagination.
"The hell would you know?" he hisses ready to exit out when suddenly, "Aww don't be like that baby, I can make you feel all better," you promise almost like you could hear him. Like you were speaking directly to him... "I can make all the stress go away," you whisper trailing a finger along your exposed thigh. He really liked the nighty you had on....
Kazutora feels himself get hard a little too quick. Something about the airy way you make your promises and the just warm feeling filling his hollow chest has him so... enraptured by you.
"How's that?" he'll ask despite himself, and when you smile so sweetly at the camera (more like at the influx of donations you're receiving) he's pulling himself out of his sweats.
"Lean back, baby," you order, so gently that Kazutora actually does as you ask, feeling his tense shoulders go lax. He watches as you pull out a toy, smooth silicone that's no where near as large as him, and lick it up and down, "Does my mouth feel good, honey?"
And he almost grunts out a yes as he moves his hands up and down to simulate your own movements... It doesn't take long and he cums, but he doesn't stop. He just keeps going until the overstimulation borders on painful.
After that night he tunes in over and over and over again. Just to watch you, his darling that loves him and takes care of him. He's a huge donator on your channel, and he's always buying personal chows from you when you offer out slots.
He'd buy all the slots if it wasn't for that dumb one per person fucking rule. But he made multiple accounts, because he's your darling and you don't need to show off for others!!!
Kazu always asks for the same scenario, the house wife! You guys are already married, he's sure of it. And you're such a good wife, saying all the things he loves; "I love you so much, darling~! You make me feel soooo good," you moan out riding the dildo that he bought you. "I know you do baby," he'll whimper back, pumping his cock at the same pace your grinding on your toy, "Love you so much, sweetie. My baby, all mine."
This goes on for months. Not because he wants to only have you through the screen but because finding you took so much longer than it should've! Silly baby, used so many different security blocks that it made it hard for him to find you.
But when he did, he was so happy! He can finally take you home. Where you belong.
#yandere tokyo revengers#yandere kisaki tetta smut#yandere kisaki tetta#yandere kazutora hanemiya#yandere TR smut
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Aiden BPD headcanonsssss because my dad is being weird and I feel weird too
(Most of these are based on my experiences living with somebody who has bpd, and maybe myself but we won't talk about that haha)
Tw for all the things bpd tends to cover (self harm, abuse, substance abuse, and suicidal ideation, brief mention of cannabis in a medical context)
-definitely a big source of trauma is his parents basically abandoning him for long stretches of time
-Prone to splitting regarding them. When they're not around its so much easier to be like "Whatever, fuck them, I don't care." But when they *are* around, they're always so affectionate, a lot of "it's not their fault they're busy", "they don't mean it", kind of thoughts...it's okay Aiden, people can still love you even if they treat you badly :/
-y'all know he's self destructive. Yall KNOW. He's been in 7 different go-kart "accidents", once broke his hip trying to impersonate Tony Hawk, and he WILL be crashing his car into a tree after binge drinking.
-Self harms as a form of stimulation sometimes. He just gets SO bored. Usually will slam his head on the nearest hard object or cut himself with his compass.
-has been to a "wellness center" (mental hospital) after an episode where when his parents were on a trip, they returned and found him catatonic on his bed, he hadn't gotten up for almost 8 weeks and his mattress was stained with urine. Not to mention he'd gotten extremely sick after eating only Ramen. Called this a "blip" and hasn't done anything like this again, but only cuz he hated the hospital so much :/
-not really good at managing his anger. He gets pissed off easily (his jaw starts clenching), but has definitely eased off with the yelling and picking a fight with the person. May say some things he may or may not regret later :/ might like kick the wall or smth too-
-his feelings of emptiness and boredom get really exacerbated when he tries to sleep, so he just doesn't sleep until he passes out from exhaustion.
-extremely rare, but if he cries its almost never the appropriate time.
-his favorite person (and I mean this in the bpd way not just the usual way) was Ben, now it's Ashlyn. She asks Ben for advice sometimes on how to understand him better. Is trying to get better, but he just wants all of her attention all the time. He could make a soliloquy of all the things he loves about her. She's the one who pushed him to go back to therapy and told him "hey, I think you have somethinh"
-Weirdly protective but in a hands off way?? Even tho he really doesn't handle himself well? He knows his friends can take care of themselves but it doesn't stop him from running through the worst case scenario. Freaks out if people are late, especially if they're punctual. Also really defensive of them, they do no wrong in his eyes (except when they do :/)
-used to push people away to avoid disappointment or abandonment, especially because they needed to move so much. All his relationships were very superficial. Ghosted people a lot.
-Has chronic pain as an adult because of all the injuries he suffered through as a kid, not to mention his shitty posture. He takes painkillers, but they leave him zoned out and with even worse insomnia so he doesn't take them a lot. Sometimes uses medicinal weed if the pain is really bad. Ash tries to help by rubbing his back, though she says she's not that useful. He always feels better afterwards tho ❤️
-Smokes if he is really stressed, but he's ashamed about it and tries not to do it too much. Picked it up after stealing some of his mom's cigarettes when he was younger.
-his inner voice is extremely negative and he is generally under the impression that everybody hates him. Tries to act like this doesn't bother him and acts like a nuisance because if everybody hates him why even bother filtering his thoughts or actions?
-why were you even born? Who'd love a screw up like you? Your own parents didn't even want you.
-rejection sensitivity and gets really depressed if he's upset one of his friends. Will usually self harm to cope because he think lashing out will make things worse and he just doesn't know what else to do.
-he loves deeply and he's fiercely loyal. He's good with children. He's a wonderful artist. And he is so very incredibly kind. His bpd does not define him as a person.
I don't know if anybody needs to hear this, but, having BPD is not a death sentence. You're not doomed to be a bad person or an abuser, and I say this as somebody who was abused by someone with BPD (my own father). People with BPD are scared, they are struggling, and most of all, they're tired. If you or somebody you care about thinks they're have bpd, try to contact a doctor or specialist and seek professional help.
I'm gonna go cry in the shower now :)
#back with another round of: guess what my dad did!#bonus points if you figure out what *i* did#sbg#school bus graveyard webtoon#sbg (webtoon)#school bus graveyard#aiden clark#headcanons#ashlyn banner#aidlyn#tw abuse#tw self h@rm#tw substance abuse#is weed still like#controversial in the us?#i have no idea#tw self harm
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The Gospel According to Mary Victoria (An As Above, So Below Story) - Book 1
Book 1 - Book 2 - Book 3
Word Count: 4.2k
Pairing: Steve Harrington/Fem!OC (Told in 1st Person POV)
Warnings/Themes: Van Helsing AU, Strangers to Lovers, Religious Themes, Criticism of Religion/Catholicism, Fate vs. Free Will, Supernatural Encounters, Angst, Biblical and Other Literary/Media References
Note: Hello and welcome to another offshoot of the AASB series. First off, thank you to @pastel-pillows @storiesbyrhi and @munson-blurbs for doing a little beta read and helping me get some confidence back. Second, this is sort of my gift to @big-ope-vibes as she is my partner in crime, my fandom ride or die, and asked for the sidekick character in AASB to get some D, so this will eventually be that.
Mary Victoria is the nun sidekick character that follows along on the adventure, similar to Carl the Friar from Van Helsing. Comic relief but ultimately someone who finds themselves and comes into their own during the course of the main storyline. She, much like the Knight, has an ambiguous background although it is touched on a little bit in the main story and will be elaborated more here. MV is the name she chose for herself when she became a nun, and she can truly be anyone reading. No physical descriptors will be mentioned.
This trilogy is, for all intents and purposes, her diary and more insight into her place in this universe.
This series will not be for the faint of heart, nor is it something that was written with a general audience in mind. Please check the above warnings and ask yourself if you are in the correct headspace to proceed. I am happy to answer any questions via PM or Ask.
You can find my masterlist here.
Please do not interact if you are not 18+.
Enjoy!
"And it seems such a waste of time, but that's what it's all about. Mama if that's movin' up then I'm movin' out."
- Movin' Out (Anthony's Song), Billy Joel (1977)
1987. The year my life changed.
Ew, I hate that.
It's cliche, isn't it? But all stories are.
And that's what we all are in the end, aren't we? Stories.
So this is mine.
Pieced together from dumb shit written on gas station napkins and this...shitty journal from Claire's that I found in a pile of rubble near the ruins of StarCourt Mall, and my spotty memory.
My story.
From a farm, to Hollywood, to a convent, to a cursed suburb in Indiana.
And his.
But he's just a guy, and sort of unremarkable as most just-a-guy's are, so we can talk about him later.
And hers.
Let's talk about her now.
The Knight.
She kind of sucked.
But she was my friend.
And in order to understand my place in her story, you have to understand her place in mine.
I'd met her before everything started.
Even during my days as a novice, I was never really...convinced. Belief and devotion are two different things; I was devout, sure, because I needed something to believe in and I wanted to believe in it so badly. But the act of belief was often a stretch; I convinced myself to do it because I needed some kind of divine reasoning for my life going the way that it was.
Turns out I didn't really need it.
I'd always been interested in the Holy Order though. Big mysterious organization, filled with severe looking...saints...is that what they were? Still, they were curious and mysterious and no one would tell me anything; obviously I had to know more. The Knight was no different.
From that first day I met her, I saw something inside of her that I always secretly hoped someone might see in me.
Defiance and fire and potential for more.
She had seen it in me.
She, however, had this...deep pit of sadness, this yearning for something she lost. It stuck with me for years until we met again.
And in hindsight, I truly believe that she'd seen those things in me as well. That's why she came back for me.
She'd never truly been happy in the time that I'd known her, though.
Where I could laugh and shake things off and hope everything would get better, she was stuck.
There was an old copy of Tuck Everlasting that I found in the things she'd left behind; the passage about the wheel of life and how the Tucks had fallen off it...it had been highlighted and underlined over and over. The Knight was stuck like that. Forced into some life that was removed from everyone else's. Cursed. Banished.
Something she never chose for herself.
But somehow she fought to choose everything else.
She chose me.
She saw all of those things in me, those things that she might not have realized she had herself in one way or another. Just like I didn't recognize I had until she helped me bring them to light.
And she chose me.
I thought fate had guided me to the church, despite my trouble with belief and devotion. Seems, though, fate had just led me to her.
A sheep with no shepherd and a shepherd with no flock; both of them interchangeable with the either of us at any given time.
I left the flock I had reluctantly joined and grown comfort in, and took my place by her side. Took the permission she gave me to be myself again, took my future back. Devotion to no one and nothing unless I chose to devote myself, not because I felt like I had to.
Not even devotion to her.
She only ever asked that I consider the devotion I owed to myself.
It took a while, but I got there.
Thus..
Huh...who says thus?
...I was no longer Mary Victoria, the novice. I was Mare, adventurer and slayer of evil in my own right. Apostle or disciple or asshole who liked to write things down because of my aforementioned shit memory. Following a path she brought me along until it was time to forge one for myself.
And I got everything I ever wanted.
But in order to gain it, I had to lose everything first. We all did.
Fate.
Faith.
They're both integral to this story.
And they're both bullshit.
"So who is she again?"
This asshole.
"And who are you?"
I looked up from my oatmeal with a dead stare.
The urge to punch him was almost unbearable, but I was hungry, so that was probably the reason.
Nothing like starting the morning off with a fight.
"Who are you?" I countered, shoveling a spoonful of breakfast into my mouth with an inquisitive lift of my brow.
"I'm Steve, remember? We met yesterday," he greeted in a seemingly genuine tone.
Alright, so I probably was just in a mood. But, something about him made me nervous.
For someone as nice as I was, I really hated seemingly nice guys.
Ok hate is a strong word. I was suspicious of nice guys. Especially cute nice guys.
The morning had already started off pretty tense, though, and the Knight left me alone to fend for myself and keep making friends while she got intel from that Dustin kid. Meanwhile I was left at the breakfast table as everyone else dispersed for the day.
Alone except for him.
Steve McQueen Harrington, our gracious host and one of the heads of the Hawkins Clean Up and Defense Brigade. Along with his trusty sidekick...the nail-covered baseball bat.
He had been kind to us, one of the only ones in Hawkins so far, which was why I was trying to ignore the alarm bells that rang in the back of my head. I knew I needed to try and not be my usual, effervescent self and alienate him.
But...gah...never trust a cute face, no matter how strong the urge to do so is.
Even if he was maybe flirting with me a little bit.
I was out of practice staving off the attention of men, and it'd been a while since I got to see anyone who could be considered attractive; abstinence and all in account, I was an easy target to woo and get information out of.
But two could play at that game.
I scooped another spoonful of oatmeal into my mouth and blinked at him. Silence always made untrustworthy people squirm.
"At the risk of sounding repetitive," he cleared his throat awkwardly, falling right into my trap. "Why...are you guys here? Why is she back?"
I'd heard all about the Knight's heroics a few years ago--the destruction in the tunnels beneath Hawkins--when we arrived.
"I think she feels like she owes it to the town," I shrugged. "Cuz of her boyfriend Eddie? He died. She couldn't save him."
Steve got tense and his eyes darted away from mine.
Bingo.
"Did you know him?"
"Yeah," he nodded stiffly, hand immediately rubbing at his side. "He was a...friend, I guess."
He got silent and pensive, his gaze became distant, and his fingers twitched.
That...was odd. Not exactly the bingo I was hoping for but I could use it to my advantage.
"Hmm..."
"What?"
"Sensing some sexual tension."
"Huh?"
"Yearning. Did you have a crush on Eddie or something?"
His cheeks got flush and he tripped over his words with a lot of no, but's... and I...he was... and he's Dustin's friend.
I only said what I said because it made the most sense. The Knight really didn't say much about Eddie because it was painful for her, brought up a lot of emotion. So it would stand to reason that Steve might feel and do the same if he had a crush on Eddie and then Eddie died.
"Unrequited love," I sighed. "It really sucks."
"It was not unrequited love," Steve insisted. "There's just...a lot you don't understand about what's been happening in Hawkins. And with Eddie...there's a lot there. It's a long story."
"Then tell me." I shrugged; what was there to lose. "We're here to help. I'm here to help. And how can I if you keep secrets?"
"It's not a secret."
"Ok, not keeping secrets, you just omit critical information."
He sighed and patted his hands against the table in contemplation.
And somehow I knew, thanks to some innate empathic sense that was coming to light with this new development in my life, or my uncanny ability to sense some shit, that what he was about to say would not give me any peace.
It would just make everything worse.
"You can help," he started. "But we just...need to move past it. It's better for everyone if things just...stay buried. Don't speak ill of the dead and all that."
See, the thing was that I was nosy.
I liked knowing everything and I especially didn't like it when secrets were kept from me.
And despite Steve's insistence that we need to move past it, I knew that this wasn't just privacy or moving on...
He was hiding something.
So I pried more.
It started out with little things, asking people simple questions while volunteering in the town square. Questions about Vecna, about the Upside Down, about their involvement. The loved ones they lost. Used empathy to lure them into some sense of trust and security with me.
And I got some good tidbits--and I mean good tidbits--that I started to string together like a puzzle. But nothing big; I couldn't see the big picture yet.
So I knew I needed to get down to business, and the best person to ask would be Steve.
"I have a question."
"Yeah?"
But I really stuck my foot in it.
"I want to know if you guys meant to get Barb killed and turned into a vampire or if you're just negligent."
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Steve stopped his digging to look at me with wild, wide eyes.
And I might have pissed him off.
In my defense...who else could I ask? Nancy? Fat fucking chance.
"No because it just doesn't make sense," I tried to backtrack. "How do all of these people end up dead and then...turned into vampires. Did you have some kind of...lottery system of who ends up as bait for Kas or..."
But ok maybe I really fucked up a little. Learning curve, the Knight said. So interrogation tactics were a 200-level course.
"...it just seems a little convenient that so many people die and have been brought back. What did you say? Chrissy and Fred and Patrick...all of Vecna's victims? Who else got killed in the Upside Down?"
But I'd been trying to reconcile it all in my head, especially as it connected to Eddie.
Somehow he was connected to all of this, his name on the tips of everyone's tongues when I asked them. Murderer, leader of some satanic cult--even though I'd also heard through the grapevine that it was actually not a cult.
There was something about him that...didn't sit right with me.
And I certainly couldn't bring it up to her until I had a better idea about how this all connected to him.
The last thing the Knight needed was for her long lost love to appear, mindless and murderous, in a flurry of wings and fangs.
I know she wanted to keep me safe but I needed to keep her safe as well.
Who else would?
And I know I could have just asked her about him. In hindsight, I sort of wish I had. I just...didn't know that I could.
So I asked Steve, even if it was in some...roundabout way.
"Oh Jesus I'm not doing this right now." Steve ran a hand through his hair. "Didn't we just go over this? Are you seriously asking...I don't even know how to...Rob!"
"Yeah?"
Robin approached from a ways away and immediately she and Steve ducked their heads together to talk in hushed tones, his one hand gestured wildly towards me.
I liked Robin. She was nice to us when we arrived at the Harringtons last night, tried to make some jokes during the tense dinner. Whether that was because she was actually trying to be friendly or she was just awkward in awkward situations...which...that definitely had been the textbook example of one.
Despite Steve's obvious complaints about me, she was patient enough when they swapped tasks and she took up Steve's shovel beside me.
"There's kind of a Rite of Passage to these things Mary," she explained after a few minutes of tense digging. "You can't just come in demanding answers; you either fall into this whole...Upside Down nonsense by chance, or you need to prove yourself if you're entering the fray by choice. I did it, Steve did it. We all did."
That made it sound like there was some weird blood oath to join a monster hunting brotherhood. I was already trying to get my foot in the door with one, I didn't need to do that with another, more...ragtag one.
Especially not after what I had witnessed yesterday.
"I think we more than proved ourselves," I argued. "We're here to help. We want to fight these vampires and creatures and all of that. And we need to understand where they came from first."
"I think you don't understand; this isn't just a fight anymore."
She got tense and then closed her eyes and cursed under her breath.
"What do you mean?" I narrowed my eyes in suspicion. "Not a fight? I sincerely think this is still a fight if monsters are attacking the town. If Kas is attacking the town."
"Ok, monsters," she began in agreement. "Yeah we still need to fight the monsters if they're killing people."
"Why do I sense there's a 'but.'"
"But...the days they don't? We just leave them alone. And they leave us alone too."
"Well what happens in a month? In two months? What happens when you run out of food?"
"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it."
"Meanwhile they have an endless supply of blood." I elaborated, voicing something that I had been thinking all night, one of the million invasive thoughts. "Blood. Meat. Yours. Fresh carcasses for their feast."
With each word I felt a fire build up inside of me, an impatience. Defiance. It was all so easy for everyone to give passive answers; think about it tomorrow. I already had to face my mortality once in the past 24 hours, I was sure I would again, and the people of Hawkins had to do it any number of times. Why was it so easy for them to put these things off?
I wanted a clear cut answer. And I wasn't getting it.
I wouldn't know until later that it wasn't as clear cut as I had hoped.
But with each word, my aggression grew and my shovel struck the rubble over...and over...until it split the ground below.
A crack formed in the dirt, a fissure; it got wider and deeper and swallowed the bits of rubble into it until it stopped and revealed a glowing membrane not unlike the nearby gates. Robin started rambling and shouting for others, she went on and on about the Upside Down.
"Is he getting stronger? Did he do this? What's going on? Oh shit, oh shit."
But I couldn't be bothered, because I knew that had nothing to do with Kas or the Upside Down.
It was me.
And how could I just...experience that and not immediately go into my own spiral.
Now, the thing was...I wasn't strong. Not stronger than the average person...or...actually, I was probably weaker, given my...mostly sedentary lifestyle as a nun. Couldn't unscrew a jar of pickles to save my life. In that moment, however, something within me was unleashed. A spark of power, an energy surge, from the moment the shovel penetrated the dirt and stone.
So excuse me if I didn't care about the commotion that these simple-minded, fearful townies were building. My questions turned from Hawkins and the Upside Down and Kas...to myself.
I was like Luke Skywalker in the Wampa cave.
And I desperately wished that my Obi-Wan was there to guide me.
Unfortunately, I had to keep it all to myself.
Not that I wanted to. I just had to.
It's weird when you're someone's sidekick and suddenly on your own journey of self-discovery.
I knew that the Knight said that she would train me. Guide me. I also knew the importance--both personal and otherwise--of her journey here, and, you know, it had been drilled in my head to be selfless for quite a few years now.
I just...ok it wasn't weird. It sucked.
I had questions.
How could I bring my sudden development of unexplained strength organically when my mentor was...oh I don't know...getting in trouble for breaking curfew and reading a kid's mind? Or how about rallying the troops to go hunt down monsters so she could kill Kas singlehandedly?
I certainly couldn't bring it up when she disappeared for several hours during said hunt, leaving me, Robin, Dustin, and Steve to wonder where the fuck she went?
And it was definitely out of the question when she suddenly reappeared, dragging the body of a man who had, apparently, been dead for several years and had clawed his way out of a grave.
And not just any grave.
Eddie Munson's grave.
It was getting really hard to ignore all the bright red blaring signals and not just grab her by the shoulders, shake her, and say "I need you to not freak out right now but Eddie is Kas, you idiot. Can you please do something about this? And also can you maybe help me because I split the earth in two the other day and sometimes when I touch things I'm able to see what they saw."
Yeah that was a new development. Hit me like a freight train when I went to use the bathroom and I was suddenly thrust into the past watching one Mrs. Harrington wax her...
Well...
No one wants or needs to hear about that.
But I had to keep it all buried inside of me. Push it down and down and down until I didn't risk it all bubbling to the surface subconsciously. Little did I know, it would all reach some kind of critical mass like Chernobyl at some point.
And that point was when we suddenly needed to keep this Billy guy's resurrection a secret.
It was easy, I lied to myself at first. I simply had to do what I had always done, for my entire life.
I used happiness, positivity, and humor to cope. To make sure everyone else coped.
And it seemed to help for a while.
We kept Billy in the garage, the Knight and I made sure he was fed three times a day, everyone went about their different volunteer schedules, and it all seemed to be alright. Everyone seemed to be in a better mood.
It was going to be alright.
Until it wasn't.
Remember what I said about bad memory? It all comes and goes in flashes sometimes. There's screaming and crying--I think I was the one crying--and there's blood and dirt and Claudia looking so...disappointed.
In all of us.
And taillights leaving me behind.
That's when I reached a breaking point.
As soon as the bumper of that old, busted Marquis turned the corner at the end of the Harrington's street, I broke.
The clouds churned, there was a strange gust of wind that rumbled along with the uneasiness in my stomach, and my hands shook.
"You see what you did," I muttered upwards into the stark, overcast sky. Upwards to Heaven, to God, if He was real...as though that asshole was going to do anything about it even if he heard me. "You better make sure she's alright."
"You good Mare?" There was a hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it away. "Come on, come inside."
"No, I have beef with God right now," I snapped.
"I think we all do," Steve sighed.
"No!" I rounded on him now.
In hindsight, as I slowly deteriorated under the weight of...fuck, you know...just...everything, I was a little unfair to him.
But it was hard to be left behind again, even if it was only for the night. Hard to try and protect someone, and they get hurt regardless. Hard to try to come to terms with things happening to you that are fully out of your control.
And it was hard to see past my own nose and recognize that I was not actually alone after all.
"I'm done with all of your secrets," my words thundered. "I want to know why you lied."
"Lied?"
"You never told us that Eddie Munson was Kas." He blanched. "Listen I know you think it's this big secret you've kept from us but it's not that hard to figure out, Jesus Christ."
"But--" He pointed out to the street.
"You don't know her," I shook my head. "Fuck, I don't even know her. But it's not hard to tell that she's grieving and in denial."
"That's, uh...that's what Dustin said," he sighed and scratched at his neck. "I'm...we wanted to say something from the beginning. Nancy--"
"Fuck Nancy," I spat.
Thunder rolled overhead.
"Ok I wanted to tell you guys from the beginning," he corrected himself. "How's that? I wanted to tell you both the truth. But Dustin's a good kid, he wants to protect everyone. As soon as your friend told him she used to date Eddie...he didn't want her to think of him like that. Like a monster."
"Well she's gonna find out one way or another, and then what'll happen? You're gonna get chewed out," I grumbled and stomped my feet in irritation. "God, no one in this town thinks of the future. And this is coming from me who, if you didn't know now you do, never plans ahead for the future and is generally a disaster. You're literally facing life and death out here and you can't look past the end of the day.
"I get it, you don't even know if you're gonna make it to the end of the day but news-fucking-flash asshole: a plan is gonna help you survive. It didn't take me long to learn that fucking lesson. And you've been doing this for how many years now?"
I suddenly felt some sad, suffocating realization overcome me. This...they've been doing this for years. The knight doing this for years. Facing creatures, evading dangers, barely surviving. People hadn't survived. People came back to life as monsters, as something else only to hunt and kill their loved ones.
How had they done it? How had they all coped? It was easier to think about in theory, how strong they'd all been. But I'd been doing it for a week and I felt overwhelmed.
I looked around again, at Steve, up at the rumbling sky, down at myself. At my body and at my hands.
I was there. I was in the thick of it. I was changing to be something that could withstand being in the thick of it. They might have all looked whole on the outside but how shattered were they all just under the surface.
How long would it come for me before I got to be that way too?
"Are you ok?" Steve asked as my breathing got heavier, as I closed my eyes and felt all of the changes happening within me, shifting within me to accommodate this new world I was in. "What's wrong?"
"I don't want this," I whispered, begged some greater power. "I'll stay, I'll help, but I don't want this."
There was a resounding boom of thunder close by and the sky opened up to rain down on us. Steve flinched as the droplets hit him and he motioned for me to follow inside but I stood my ground.
"Come on, you're gonna catch a cold or something!" Steve shouted over the din of the shower.
"Just let me do this," I bit out. "Are you, like, the least fucking romantic person, you see a girl with her face turned up towards the sky in the rain and you're like let's go inside you're gonna catch a cold."
"I'm not trying to be romantic, you're trying to be stupid."
"I'm not going in," I insisted.
A war sparked within me.
I thought...hoped that this was a cleansing rain. That all of this new power would be shed if I only stayed out here long enough. The Lord Giveth, and the Lord Taketh away and all that. I could even feel it, feel the power drain from me the longer I stood there. It made me shiver, made my hair stand on end.
On the other hand, there was fear.
Thinking of it now, after the fact, I should have listened to that second part. I should have been afraid. Should have shut up and gone inside with Steve and just accepted my fate.
I should have read the obvious signs.
But I was dumb.
And at the end of the day I was still a nun, after all. I had faith that He would save me from this path I had started down. And because of that, I stood there basking in my beliefs and the Glory of God.
But then the Lord took a look at me, as pathetic as I was, and said, "go fuck yourself Mary Victoria."
The next thing I knew, I got struck by lightning.
Cool. Praise be to God. The fucking asshole.
"With great power comes great responsibility."
- Stan Lee, Spider-man/Amazing Fantasy #15 (1962)
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hey! sorry if this is weird but would u mind explaining what being "loveless" means? like in the way people say "loveless aro" or "loveless apl" etc
Heya there, not a weird question at all! However I do wanna preface this by saying that other ppl in the community might have different experiences with the term than I do, different reasons for identifying with it, so just keep in mind that as almost everything, being loveless is a spectrum and others might have slightly varying definitions of it.
I'll give a shorter, more generic reply, and then a longer explanation of my own relationship with the word, hopefully it'll be enough to paint a picture to anyone new to the term. (If not, feel free to ask follow-up questions! I love talking abt this stuff lol)
In general terms, loveless is pretty much what it says on the lid. The LGBTQIA+ wiki describes it as someone who "is in some way disconnected from the concept of love, does not feel love, may doubt that they feel love, or rejects the idea that they need to experience love". Basically, someone who doesn't feel love, or feels it in a way so disconnected from how other people seem to experience it that calling it love would feel disingenuous, wrong. Ppl who identify as loveless are usually reclaiming a word that has been used against them so many times - essentially saying "actually I don't feel love (the way society expects me to) and that is okay".
In terms of my personal experience: from what I can have seen, when people say they love someone, what they mean is an emotional desire to be with someone - to spend time with them, to talk to them, to make them happy, make sure they are safe and well. You get the gist. The important parts to consider here are the fact that it is an emotion, and that it is directed at a person/concept, not the actions surrounding that person/concept. It doesn't matter what you do or what the other person does, you want to spend time with them, even if it would need you to do or try things you otherwise wouldn't even think about doing. (The trope of "going to see a movie you hate but your loved one loves" comes to my mind.) You don't desire the actions, you desire the person, so to speak.
And this is exaclty the thing I don't experience. When I spend time with people, I do it with the expectation that I get something out of the interaction - a good time, help or support, a listening ear to my current brainrot, whatever, which I "pay back" by offering my support, my help, my listening ear when the other party needs it. I am not drawn towards people but rather experiences - and if those experiences involve or are made better by involving others, it matters little to me who those others are, so long as the experience itself is not ruined. It's always so strange to me when people go into things they don't really enjoy just to appease someone they love - if you don't want to do it, then why do it when someone else wants you to? And even more so: why do you want to spend time with someone when every interaction you have with them makes you unhappy, makes you suffer? ("They sometimes treat me badly but I can't just stop loving them" is a sentiment I hear a lot and don't understand at all.)
But most people don't view relationships as exchanges of goods and services, and have an expectation of this emotional drive from the other party. This emotional drive is what I'm missing, and this lack of drive is the reason I choose to call myself loveless. It might be tempting to assume that I choose to not feel love, that I am deliberately distancing myself from people, but trust me: I've tried for many many years to force myself to love others, but emotions don't exactly work like that. Me calling myself loveless is accepting that there's an emotion others experience that I don't, and that it's okay to not be able to feel love. It frees me of the expectations I have been putting on myself for so long.
I hope this helps answering your question 😊 other loveless ppl feel free to add onto this, the more thoughts shared the merrier!
#loveless#loveless aro#loveless apl#loveless aromantic#loveless aplatonic#aromantic#aro#arospec#aplatonic#aspec#queer stuff#posts that are made awkwarder when i realize im mutuals with an irl friend#please don't be mad at me for this bestie :(
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Yui’s POV:
The blood dripped down my thighs, I could feel it drying up very quickly. The puncture holes that Shu created were deep..He enjoys when I’m in pain, but still he finds ways to bring me pleasure…for a time I thought that Shu possibly felt something for me whenever he would kiss me or snuggle up to me, I definitely had strong feelings for him...I hated him. I never thought I was capable of feeling this type of hate for anyone but I need to remind myself he and all of his brothers are vampires, they do not care for me beyond being their personal blood bag. There was a moment where I did try to sympathize with him and instantly came to regret it soon after..I chose Shu because he seemed different from all of his brothers, less interested and extremely lazy but I found out, rather quickly he is just as bad as all of them..possibly even worse. I hate him..I hate everything about him, I hate how he makes me feel so used, I hate how he calls me a slut I hate everything about Shu..but my body craves him and possibly my heart too..
No one's POV:
Yui laid in her bed, all sore and covered in bites, tears streamed down her beautiful eyes, she took a pillow and began screaming into it, then threw it across the room with all her remaining strength. "I'm tired of this...I'm so tired of it all..no one will miss me if I die.." she kept chanting to herself, she found herself walking up the stairs of the manor, approaching the top floor then going to the roof of the manor. She looked down to see if the fall could possibly kill her. It looked like it could, she stood by the edge, "no one will miss me, I will finally be at peace..." a chant she kept saying.
“Humans really are weak…I torment you a little and you give up so quickly” a deep, tired voice lets out, Yui turns around and in behind her stands Shu, expressionless as always. “Go away” she said lowly, “what was that? I couldn’t hear you” he replies back taking a step closer to her. “Go away from me….Leave me alone!” She lets out, more loudly much to Shu’s irritation he lets out a sigh. “Get down from there now” she wanted to listen to him because she felt as thought he finally cared for her but then in the back of her mind the suicidal thoughts took over, ‘he doesn’t care for me…only for my blood’ her mind repeated this constantly and it pained her, she began to cry and then turned back around looking down at the edge, Shu still appeared emotionless but he reacted rather quickly. He pulled her to him and embraced her tightly, she knew not to fall for it so she did not hug him back, he brought her back inside of the manor, into his room.
Shu plopped down onto his bed and motioned his hands to Yui, signaling for her to come lie down with him, she wanted to feel some type of loving right now so she obeyed, they snuggled in silence, until he began to trace his fingers by her thighs, making his way to her butt. He began to rub her butt with his hand, causing her to blush but she did not say or do anything.
Yui’s POV:
Shu was touching me, but not the way he would before attempting to take my blood, he seemed to try and genuinely make me feel comfortable and loved…I’m not sure why, my heart and body are craving his touch, I want him in me..God forgive me for these sinful thoughts but I desire him more than anything, oh please let him learn to love me and I will devote myself to him…I was too much in my head I didn’t realize that he slipped his hand in my underwear and began to rub it up and down with fingers, I let out small gasps..it felt so good, I wanted more, I needed more. He began to flick and play with my clit, I had my legs up , holding them for him, he continued to finger me, then I noticed his face getting closer to my area, he kissed it, then began to lick but stopped for a second. He laid down and motioned his hands to me, I looked at him confused but I knew what he wanted, he wanted me to sit on his face and I wanted to do that ever so badly. But I played stupid I wanted him to say it. “I want your ass on my face” he means to 69. I did as he said, before he began licking or sucking on me he took out his hard dick, I took it in my hands and jerked it a bit but I wanted to suck it, who cares for innocence at this point…I licked it around and started to suck down on it boppin my head back and forth, he let out slight moans of pleasure but began to lick mine , and suck on mine, I began grinding my lower body against his face and this caused him to grab my ass and smack it , he licked and fingered me at the same time I wanted to cum so badly, he was going fast and hard. I know I wasn't doing a good job at sucking his dick, "turn around, I want you face me while being on me" I did as he said, my area was right on his face, he seemed to be enjoying himself, he took his hands and grabbed my butt cheeks so tightly, I knew for a fact it let his finger prints. I began moaning and begging him to let me cum, he chuckled and stopped "you really are my slut...but I must punish you for trying to take your own life" my moaning stopped when these words came out his mouth and a harsh bite was placed in my area, I screamed in pain. He sucked on it greedily, I felt paralyzed...I was stupid enough to get into this and now I am suffering for it, he rips out his fangs from my area harshly and throws me off of him onto the bed. I attempt to get out, I want to leave..but he grabs my wrists and pins them down, pressing all his body weight onto me, my area is burning and stinging I want out from there, he lifts up one of my legs, and starts kissing my inner thigh , then bites it even more harshly "Shu stop..!" I cry out, he shoves his finger into my mouth to shut me up, I bite hard on his finger causing him to bleed, I taste his blood it doesn’t have the metallic taste…he gets his finger out of my mouth quickly and chokes me hard. “I’m going to make you scream so loud, it’ll be a song for the histories” he takes out his dick and jams it into me, no teasing no foreplay, he thrusts into me hard and fast, it hurts so badly i cry out, I’m not sure if the blood from the bite on my area was making it wet down there or if I was turned on but I felt it gushing, he commented on how wet I was and how dirty that made me, I hated him and loved him at the same time. He stopped and turned me around, my back was arched on all fours and he pounded into me, I couldn't help but moan...he was panting and groaning, he thrusted one hard stroke before pulling out and turning me over, I was facing him, he combusted all over my face and chest..then he grabbed my face, traced his cream around my lips then opened my mouth and made me taste it, it was embarrassing...but I began to taste it , taking my hands and wiping it off of myself just to lick it in front of him, I began moaning while doing it, making him chuckle "enjoying that? What a dirty girl..."
#diabolik lovers#smut#rated: m#shu x yui#shu sakamaki#yui komori#tw: suidice#trigger words#fanfic#oneshot#diabolik boys#dialovers#sakamaki brothers
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I hate how much of a pedestal neurotypicals put love on, and how much they try to gatekeep it, especially from those with mental illnesses that cause them to lack empathy or be self - centered .
Love is an emotion like any other . It can be toxic . That doesn’t mean it’s “ not love ” . You can’t just add a bunch of shit to the definition because you, personally, feel that the way you express love is superior . It’s just a feeling . It’s a chemical reaction . Feeling love, and acting loving, are two different things . For me, I hate feeling vulnerable . I hate caring about others because it means that they have the power to hurt me; being insulted or abandoned by someone you care for or respect hurts more than being insulted or abandoned by someone you don’t give a fucking shit about . I love so intensely that them leaving me wouldn’t be just upsetting, but soul — destroying . Feeling love feels like a threat to my life . I truly believe that I would be worse if I was more empathetic because I hate the idea of someone else having control over me and my emotions . I don’t not have emotions because I’m mean . I’m mean because my emotions are so strong that I constantly feel unsafe, or under attack, and so I retaliate with harshness and am constantly on guard .
I feel love so intense that I can’t properly handle it . I care about them so deeply that, although I can’t feel what they feel, I do notice any slight shift in attitude and feel intensely paranoid because of it . I want to constantly keep them happy so that they love me too, and won’t reject me, but it feels safer to hurt them so badly that they’re scared of leaving . I can predict fear better than love, and maybe I know that I’m better at instilling that feeling . It’s not that I want to hurt them for the sake of it . I love them so fucking much that I need to make them stay by me at all times . I love them so much that I can’t live without them . I love them so much that I’ll beg for it . I just hate feeling vulnerable and needy, or weak, so the fact that they caused me to fucking beg for them just so they could ignore me, clearly being the one in the position of power at that moment, angers me so much that I’ll start screaming and threatening them, and then I worry that they’ll hate me so much for that that they’ll leave . I’ll apologize, but I’m not truly sorry . I’m just scared of losing them . I can tell when I’m being genuine, of course . I know that I feel happier and safer when I feel that they’re mine . I know that I really do find them . . . amazing, and special, in many ways . So fucking special to me, in fact, that it really fucks with my head . After the apology, I’ll convince myself that I’m entitled to a response, or I’ll start feeling rejected without one when I’ve pushed aside ego and tried so much, so I’ll start with the threats and anger again . This time, they’ll probably be worse . It’s not out of hatred, but because I’m so fucking desperate to just be acknowledged by them . I know that this is toxic, but it’s the love that makes me so toxic . I’m a lot nicer to strangers because, when I feel ignored by them, I don’t care . They can leave me for hours, and I won’t say anything . I’d feel pleasant and stable enough to greet them happily upon their return .
The idea of being so infatuated with someone, thinking of them constantly, and doing everything to keep them, but instead being pushed away ? That hurts me so badly that I instinctually want to hurt them back . It’s not because I hate them, but because I can’t stand loving them when they don’t love me . It makes me feel horrible . . . It makes me want to break their fucking legs, but I also want to nurse them back to health after, and tell them that nobody would be so willing to take care of them and provide them with everything they need in their helpless state like I am . I don’t want them to be sick or hurt . I have some sort of “ preference ” for it out of necessity, because I’m so fucking haunted by these thoughts constantly that I need whoever can cause me to feel like this to be disarmed . Otherwise, I fear I’ll die of a broken heart, or be so paranoid I’ll never get a single good night of sleep again . It’s not hatred . It’s not carelessness . It’s self — preservation . I get intensely angry over how, even after all of this, shit still might not seem like it’s working out, and when I have impulse control problems, it can be hard to cope with that rage effectively .
I don’t say any of this to excuse how I think, feel, or behave . None of this is good, and I know that . I can understand why it can cause the very things I’m terrified of to happen . My point is that feeling love doesn’t make someone pleasant to be around, or at all a “ good person ” . I’m toxic, obsessive, and possessive, but I can be in love, and of course that only exacerbates my symptoms . It shouldn’t be surprising that I hate it . I act negatively because of that too, but it’s not the same as hating or not loving the object of my affection . I wish I hated them, so I could finally feel free from this torture .
#cluster b#bpd#borderline personality disorder#aspd#antisocial personality disorder#bpd favorite person#bpd fp#bpd safe#bpd feels#bpd vent#bpd thoughts
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I feel like a lot of times people in fandom spaces aren’t willing to admit the role personal taste plays in the things they like and dislike, so they invent reasons to avoid having to say “I disliked the choice Ashton made because i think it would have been more interesting if X happened.’ And i think that’s why the discourse has been so busted this last week
I think this is true in some cases but by no means all. I actually think a lot of people are admitting to personal taste, but using it as a shield for baseless or incorrect criticism. It's fine to dislike Ashton, but again, you have people who openly never cared for the character (valid to feel) claiming that the reason they don't like them has been that he has undergone no character development; or has a martyr complex; or is manipulative, none of which I think are actually backed up by an unbiased reading of the text; or you have people who openly state that they dislike all Taliesin's characters because they're all arrogant (again, valid to feel and also a correct assessment of the characters, even if I see this as a fun character to explore myself) but then allow this to bleed into their real-world judgment of Taliesin as an arrogant scene stealer at best or someone who is deliberately treating Ashley badly in real life at worst.
"No, I just dislike the character because of personal taste; she's really annoying" has always been the line misogynists would give, and the thing is, if you say this about one person, it's valid, but if you say this about every female character, and never say it about comparable male characters, it's obviously not. Which is why I noted here that it's a useful exercise to check someone's blog and to mentally swap a given character for a few others (or pretend they were being played by a different cast member), because a lot of people who hated every little thing Keyleth did would have gladly tolerated the same from Percy (and vice versa). There are valid reasons to dislike this action, but also, there are people who do have biases or discriminatory beliefs or who simply dislike whenever their favorite character isn't the star. You do not need to assume good faith when someone has shown you that they are one of those people. Everyone is subjective and everyone has personal taste, but it's usually not terribly hard to see this kind of pattern.
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