i just hope that one day, behind all the complicated and painful feelings i have, there will be room for happiness. because my brain is always too full. and it won’t be something i break my back looking for so desperately.

love it when i’m insecure so i portray a persona and everyone thinks i’m something or someone i’m not because i’m good at acting and then somebody gets to know the Real Me and they’re confused and disappointed and i’m faced with the fact that i am actually so deeply flawed and insane. love that!

i am a terrible horrible awful person and i destroy everything i touch :D

i feel nothing but disappointment and rage and it’s so intense and painful to feel and it all just eventually gets directed at myself in the end

am i going to feel this feeling every day for the rest of my life? i feel like i’ll never forget that feeling

what am i supposed to do with this

i can’t live with this i can’t live with this i can’t live with this i can’t live with this i can’t live with this

everyone can fucking laugh about it

like i would have done anything in the world

the intense desire to isolate in order to protect my feelings vs the crippling fear of being alone

i just wanted to watch scary movies and go to cool stores that sell crystals and sit under a tree and go to work and do a really good job at work and be important. i wanted to do fun things on the weekend and look really pretty. i wanted to love and to be loved back as just myself. i wanted to love myself. i wanted my family to love me. i wanted to write books and travel and see things that make me feel like the world isn’t out to get me. i wanted to be independent but still outgoing but in a good way. i wanted to be comfortable in a room alone with myself. i did not ask for this and i did not want this

i just wanna go home and snort my sleeping pills

yeah i just really feel like no one understands the full extent of my mental illness. it rules my entire life and thoughts and actions. i’m not even a person outside of this. sometimes i shut down and it hurts too much to speak because i’m drowning in self hate, other times i can’t shut up because i feel uncomfortable when all of the attention isn’t on me but then i feel like everyone is looking at me in public and it makes me really scared and paranoid. but most of the time i don’t even feel like i’m real like i’m just in a dream and the dissociation makes it so hard to take life seriously or to pay attention to details or listen.

i’m in a constant loop of overwhelmed and empty and both are so painfully unbearable and no one will ever get it and i just feel so alone

i am the worst person in the world

worth nothing.

why doesn’t the sh make me feel better anymore