#to choose my life and i get to rebel if i want to. but im not brave enough and we have to go in an hour 30. fucking hellllll
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the mortifying ordeal of today being a potluck day.
#purrs#delete later#it’s been 3.5 years since i last was at one and somehow it’s exactly as miserable as it was before if not worse. also why am i being fucking#guilt tripped into doing this and participating in it. im fucking 24 years old. i should get to choose how to spend my time. i should not be#a prop to make my mom look good for running the perfect vegan family. like it sounds like a cartoon but i don’t fucking care about being#vegan and i never did. i just got scared into it and i fucking resent being a prop put on display and unable to do what i want because i#have all this shit in my head about what’s healthy and what’s not and what will make my mom and her community ashamed of me. i fucking hate#these potlucks i hate having to be fake nice to the people who go to them who are so annoying and revolting and i hate being fucking TWENTY#FOUR and forced into doing things i don’t want to do because im afraid of my mom and afraid of myself. my weekends are precious. my choices#are precious. i am not a child anymore. i do not exist to make her look good or feel better about herself. my thoughts and choices are my#own and i own them. i do not want to have anything to do with this and i never did. people are going to get all in my face and im going to h#have to act like a kid again and make myself small and it’s so EMBARRASSING i am an adult!!!!!! im a late bloomer but im an adult. and i get#to choose my life and i get to rebel if i want to. but im not brave enough and we have to go in an hour 30. fucking hellllll#like the fact that my family hosts these. and it’s seen as a FAMILY thing when it’s just my mom. 💀💀💀💀 like please let me have my own life a#and interests and spend my time the way i want to. lol#food#ask to tag
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Pick a Card: Traits of Your F/S
Choose a photo that calls to you and the cards will tell you a message.
As always, this is just for fun. Do not take anything seriously or above legal or medical advice.
If your interested in personal tarot readings and want to support me, check out my Paid Readings!
Masterlist
1 - 2
3 - 4
Images are not mine
⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻
Pile 1
Your F/S might wear big clothes. I'm seeing dresses, baggy clothes, or just oversized things. I'm getting somewhat emo vibes or they might just like black clothing. They are great at keeping optimism and picking themselves back up after periods of grief. Your F/S might have a hard time connecting with others or has had a bit of a rough past in terms of relationships. They could be a bit of a rebel as well or just crave more freedom in their lives. Back to their looks, their clothes might stand out in some way. Something about them or their personality is bold, but they don't even mean to be. They might have a very simple look, but it's so different from those around them that it comes off as bold, because I'm picking up on a very quiet and even reserved energy from them so I don't think their looks are a very conscious choice on their part. Either way, I'm still seeing that they're confident in themselves and have a leader like potential.
Pile 2
Clumsy, and colorful. Might wear sweaters or hoodies a lot. Could have an affinity towards churches? Or maybe really likes historic buildings or museums. Likes to travel. Likes the ocean. They are independent and trust their own decisions. They might move homes a lot and don't like living in one area for too long. They might live or be from somewhere with a cold climate. They have a humble upbringing. Could have come from a broken home, divorced parents, low income, or even faced homelessness at some point, but I'm seeing that they're ready to move on from that or have already. All in all, they're a very talented person and they're ready to take their opportunities. They might be from a different country than you.
Pile 3
Clean, smooth, "Must be perfect." Maybe their a Virgo lmao. I'm seeing that they can be the type of person to put up a front. They appear as well put together, mature, clean, and may even be seen as a leader of sorts, but on the inside they're definitely struggling with something. They might be a really naive person, and find themselves often being taken advantage of by those around them. This could also be taken as they're a very emotional person and need to learn how to put up this courageous front so that they stop being taken advantage of. As far as physical appearance goes, I'm seeing someone who's blond, medium length hair. Might like wearing blues and greens, dresses or long shirts. They might like to accessorize themselves. They may also be the type to really dress up when they leave the house, but dress very casual or im hearing 'bummy' behind closed doors lol.
Pile 4
They like hanging out with friends or even partying and drinking. They love to travel. I'm seeing a very happy and positive person hear. Maybe they can be randomly contemplative or have big dreams which is something their friends find odd about them because they usually have a kind of careless and partying type of personality. On the flip side, I can also see this as being someone that does not like to party. Maybe they're surrounding friends have a careless, parting attitude towards life and they want to break free of that and work towards something they find important. They might not be very close with their friends or feel like they've never fit in with their friend group, and again, dream of going somewhere else or leaving to find their people. They might contemplate moving overseas, so they might either be a foreigner to you or maybe you both move to a new country together. For physical traits, they might have curly hair. I'm seeing a lot of the color red. That might be their favorite color, or a color they wear a lot. Maybe their hair is red. I'm also seeing that they might get dressed up often.
#tarot#love tarot#tarot reading#tarot cards#pick a picture#pick a card#pac#channeled message#intuitive readings#intuition#valentines day#valentines
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release the list
(i feel like i should mention these are all games ive personally played so if any of these make you go "why isn't [GAME] on here it's probably cuz i haven't played it. anyway)
(obligatory mention to hades/disco elysium/omori since they're some of my favorite games but im sure everyone already knows about them. they are lovely games and you should play them 👍)
darkest dungeon ($25) - turn based roguelike where you recruit mercenaries and send them on dungeon explorations and make sure they don't die of stress or starvation alongside the regular monster attacks. notoriously difficult. imagine bloodborne but turn based
ftl: faster than light ($10)- real time roguelike where you control a small crew and pilot a spaceship on the run from a rebel fleet. manage power and weapons on your own ship while targeting critical systems on the enemy
loop hero ($15)- a roguelike where your character will automatically walk in a loop while you use cards to add terrain with different effects such as spawning monsters to give you loot or increasing your healing. very unique with a beautiful pixel artstyle and banger soundtrack
moonlighter ($20)- a roguelike rpg where you go dungeon diving and try to bring back as much loot as you can so that you can sell it in your shop
shadows of doubt ($20)- early access. a first person sandbox detective simulator where each case is procedurally generated. randomly generates a town with npcs that all have names and addresses and relationships. put together clues from a crime scene and try to catch a killer before they strike again. work odd jobs between cases to keep yourself fed and housed
ultrakill ($25) fast paced first person shooter with a style system ala devil may cry. you play as a robot fighting through the layers of hell. mankind is dead. blood is fuel. hell is full
crypt of the necrodancer ($15)- a rhythm based roguelike dungeon crawler where you and your enemies are only allowed to move on beat. banger soundtrack goes without saying
everhood ($10)- a rhythm based rpg where you play as a red doll who had their arm stolen and is trying to get it back. battles involve moving between 5 lanes to avoid enemy attacks. if you like undertale you'll like this
spiritfarer ($30)- management and adventure game where you play as a spiritfarer who needs to care for spirits on her boat before leading them into the afterlife. incredibly charming and touching game. you will cry
let's school ($20)- management sim where you build and manage a school and help students graduate by setting up different courses. addicting and has a very cute artstyle
let's build a zoo ($20)- management sim where you. well where you build a zoo. a very silly game that includes a morality system where you can choose to be eco friendly and help repopulate endangered species or you can exploit your animals for their meat and produce. also has an animal splicing mechanic. haven't you ever wanted to make a giraffe with a duck head
the wandering village ($25)- early access. a city builder with the twist that you live on the back of a giant wandering beast named onbu. you help care for onbu as he wanders though different biomes that force you to adjust your resource production as some things become unavailable (such as water in a desert)
frostpunk ($30) a survival city builder where you build around a central core and try to prevent everyone from freezing to death in progressively colder temperatures
monster sanctuary ($20)- a metroidvania style creature collector with a unique combo meter that will continue to build and increase your damage based on the number of "hits" you can perform (healing buffs and shields also count as hits) and each monster has different skill trees that you can upgrade and customize
coral island ($30)- farming life sim with a unique underwater area where you can live and farm and raise aquatic plants and animals. you work to help restore the island after and oil spill ruined the surrounding ocean. i should mention that although this game is technically not in early access it is still unfinished and missing large chunks of gameplay/interactions/story. however there is still a healthy amount of content and is still a fun game as it is
apico ($20)- a beekeeping sim where you keep bees to make and sell honey while also breeding and releasing them to help restore their numbers in the wild
spirittea ($20)- a management and life sim where you manage a bathhouse for ghosts and help the townsfolk who think they're haunted (they're right). basically a cross between stardew valley and spirited away
cloud meadow ($20)- early access. this is a porn game ⚠️ a farming sim where instead of regular animals you have anthro characters and you can breed them either yourself or with each other and have them help in combat or on your farm. very cute artstyle and amazing animation work
#looking for a new game ask sunny if their recommendation is a roguelike or management sim i laugh and say it's a good game sir look inside#it's a roguelike#asks#game recs
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Upcoming energies coming towards you in the next few days
Choose a pile to get insight on what energies, challenges and helping factors are gonna come into play into your life in the next few days or so. I haven't done a pick a card in a while because I've felt a bit deppressed but here's one today! Thank you for reading, tip at sarahx2x on cashapp if you feel compelled to! And I have readings in my pinned post if you're intrested in a personal reading
Pile one
Upcoming energies - you might feel depleted and lacking hope in the upcoming days so it's important to preserve your sense of faith. Now is a time to maintain the structure already set in your life, making huge changes within the next few days or weeks may overwhelm you. I feel like you guys could be on the verge of a breakdown, perhaps you just had a bunch of destabilizing things happen or shocking news come towards you. You could have already been in an period of instablity for a while now anyways, im seeing this is recent past energy you're trying to recover from. Your guides are advising you to take it slow and focus on maintaing the energy you have, focus your energy on things that give you hope. Changing things up and draining yourself is gonna add to the feeling of instability. Focus your time towards things that you enjoy and rejuvenate you so that you can recover from a period of instability. The upcoming days are just about recovery and resting when you can. I'm seeing family conflict, for others its financial changes to your money or job that have caused instablity (i feel like most of this has already happened, the next few days is just about recovering and adjusting), if you can don't get caught up in family conflict happening, this may be conflict happening within the extended family for some of you. You don't need to worry about you next step and the next thing youre gonna do, focus on the present and what you can control and not what it out of your hands.
Challenges-
Wanting to rebel and make changes and innovate too quickly! You need time to recover and let yourself process what's going on, you need time to pull in all your energy. Like I said, you don't always need to look into the future and plan ahead. Be in the moment, now is not time for innovation. Let yourself recover and gather rest back, then you can set goals and take action.
What's helping you-
Relationships, whether it be familial, platonic or romantic doesn't matter. Dont take close relationships for granted in this time, being paired up with someone and feeling supported will be very helpful in the next few days. If there's someone you miss alot, extend yourself to them and they may be of mutual support of you as well.
Pile two
You guys may be going down a path you didn't anticipate within the next few days, I feel like you've been evaluating a siruation your life and your progress and things may not be working at thr speed you want them to. I'm seeing you guys disrupt the current structure of the situation and making a descion you didnt anticipate making. If theres been a stale mate with someone or a stalemate in descion making, thats changing. I think this is something you don't see coming. You've been so caught up in your mind that you won't even believe that youre going down a completely unexpected path. But this is good! You're innovating things to compensate for the lack of progress or speed happening with what you're trying to nourish in your life. I'm feeling this is likely a romantic situation I'm picking up on, perhaps wanting to reconcile, make up, move on, or improve thing with someone, maybe even reaching out to a crush. (Regardless of what you're doing it will be different for everyone, but yes this feels like a romantic situation for the majority of this pile) But take this as it resonates
To be honest I think you guys have been stuck because of indescion and a fear of making a descion. You know you want more out of this situation but you were afraid to be certain in your own choices. I think you're gonna be disrupting that and doing something you never thought you would be doing. You're breaking the stalemate.
Challenges-
Reclaiming your power and believing in yourself is the challenge here. You've probably experienced pain and disappointment in the recent past, but generally this is you needing to claim your own power back out of fear and uncertainty. You're being given a second chance, a new chance and revival. It's time to reclaim this power and be new again. You have more power to create movement in this situation you just have to make the first move.
What's helping you-
Being cautious and stealthy is what's helping you. You've had it rough lately it seems, you've had to lay low and just focus on the simplest things to keep going. Your guides are saying this is the right thing, it's not time to be extravagant in your activities, keeping it simple and doing what you can to stay afloat is helping you keep going even thought it feels hard to.
Pile three-
I feel like in the next few days you may become so overwhelmed that you loose clarity completely. I'm seeing conflict, there's so incompatible goals and ambitions around you that's causing some clashing and it's making it hard to maintain clairty on what you are doing. There's alot of loudness and information coming at you but you just need quietness to figure out shit in your own mind without the voices if others overlapping your own inner voice. This is a concern of balance. The conflict is happening because someone doesn't know how to pull back and let other people be heard, there's an energy of someone not integrating another person's differences or needs. You may be in a situation where you feel overwhelmed because someone isn't willing to cooperate to what your needs are accessibility wise, for others its goals regarding health and career.
Challenges-
I'm seeing stubbornness, someone acting like they're always right and not willing to compromise. I think there's not enough funds to do what you and others want to do and that's why there's hostility surrounding different ideas and plans right now. The main challenge is stubbornness but it doesn't feel like it's coming from you. If the financial thing doesn't resonate this pile may not be for you, the cards are making it very clear this is a fund, loan, financial aid or saved money type of conflict. Someone wants to innovate something and the other doesn't, perhaps they want to save money and invest it somewhere else? that's the energy I'm seeing here.
What's helping you-
There's alot of delays here and I'm seeing you step up being fed up with the blocked energy. You're gonna be pushing forwards even if it comes off as forceful which is funny that this is the right thing youre doing. Sometimes tarot readers push the "dont force things to happen" alot because it sounds like the nost spiritual thing to say but the tarot itself is comprised of cards that is actually balanced out with both passive and forceful messages. Sometimes when there's situations where there's no movement that forceful energy may be required, and this is required because you sitting back and letting others walk over you will set a standard of how they will trest you in the future. If you embrace your power and apply yourself you wont be stopped. Don't let this energy go to waste, don't set back and be passive. Don't let insecurity make you hold back, it's ok if someone thinks you're bitch or if you're getting some unwanted attention by taking action. It's time to live. It's your life and sometimes there's things that we want that others don't and we have to hold our ground.
#tarot#tarot pick a card#pick a card tarot#pick a card#tarot pac#pac tarot#tarot cards#tarot meanings#manifestingmindset#affirmations#astro notes#manifestion#tarot readings#tarot services#tarot pick a pile#pick a pile#pick a pile reading#pick a card reading#tarot reading#law of abundance#tarot pick an image#pick an image#pick a photo#witchcraft#wicca#spells#pick a pile tarot
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Saw killjoy au infodump post!! Its danger days but my special little bloody guy is there! When I eventually write it it'll be centered around Adam and it mmmight be chainshipping I'm still deciding.
So the bathroom trap. still happens. adam lives in battery city and to make ends meet he takes pictures of people for people, doesnt matter who, he doesn't ask questions. He's taken jobs from better living to follow suspected rebels and hes taken jobs from rebels to follow some high-profile better living person to get more information on them before they take them out. He stays just off the rader and keeps himself just barely useful or not suspicious enough as to not be put into scarecrow training or something. Because he doesn't like better living, but he has to make ends meet. Jigsaw picks him because he thinks hes pathetic and hates how he doesn't pick a side, his tape says how he doesn't take his pills but he cant even bother fighting for anything. he could do anything with his free will and he chooses to throw his life away and this pisses jigsaw off. so will adam watch himself die, throw his life away once and for all, or will he finally use his free will to fight for something? Because in this au jigsaws motive of teaching people to value life comes from being under better livings control instead of having cancer, because better living is a cancer, really. so yeah jigsaw and co. are technically killjoys lol.
Lawrence is still in the trap too. hes a scarecrow who has stopped taking his pills and is becoming aware of his actions for the first time ever as well as coming to to a family, to a wife he cant remember falling in love with, they were probably set up by the city. He has a family, he has a kid, but its all been fake, does he even love them? can he? and hes haunted by the blood on his hands but he wasn't into control he cant really be a murderer if he wasn't in control, right? right. jigsaw even agrees. but hes also a sick bastard with a grudge against better living so he doesn't care. maybe Lawrence wasn't a murderer, not really, but now he will be. by the end if the day there will be blood on his hands that he can no longer deny or write off as someones elses actions. because to jigsaw it doesn't matter who was in control, lawrence still pulled the trigger. No matter what lawrence does, if he kills adam or not, there will still be deaths on his conscience, because he needs to learn a lesson, how it feels, how to be scared. he kills adam and his family will be spared. Don't kill adam? its his family that will die instead. but how can he choose? two people or one. two he thinks he loves, hes supposed to, but he hardly knows them, or one person that he might be falling in love with the more that adam begs for him to stay.
in the end he doesn't have to choose(well. not completely. the shoulder bullet prob still happens lol) and they both make it out because fuck you. also just so you know, in this au jigsaw is Dr Benzedrine and the apprentices are the suitehearts and that will absolutely come into play down the line with a possible frankenghoul cameo, the franken bit the result of being a victim of a trap of his own.
anyway adam, after nearly dying, after realizing he wants to fucking live, has never had plans before but now hes like fuck it, im getting out of here, im getting out of this freaky city with creeps like jigsaw apparently running around. he isnt taking any more chances. So he gets out, he becomes a killjoy. and theres the whole trauma bonding thing so he probably takes lawrence(who is still struggling with the am i a murderer or not thing and thinks he doesn't deserve this second chance. he'll accept it eventually) with him. i dont have any of lawrence's killjoy thought out yet i'll come up with some stuff later it also probably depends on if i decide its chainshipping and if hes even out there or not like i might just fucking adam stanheight final girl it like fuck it he wasn't doomed by the narrative his hacksaw didnt break or he found another way out of his chains and the roles are reversed or maybe he even fucking killed lawrence before lawrence could kill him who knows, i dont lol. theres so many possibilities.
anyway adam stanheight killjoy. his name Hacksaw Jagger(working title) because hacksaw. you know. and jagger because a jagger is another term for a vouyer and i think thats clever. also adam could be a fan of the rolling stones and hed be like lol reference. but yeah, Hacksaw Jagger. depending on how things went in the bathroom he may or may not have a prosthetic leg. he dyes his hair at some point and to me personally. its the worst brassiest ugliest bleached tips youve ever fucking seen and probably like little liberty spikes at some point because. punk adam as well. you agree. anyway he looks pathetic and i love him. he definitely gets into racing at some point and also learns he has a thing for arson and explosives. so yknow. hacksaw+fun ghoul besties at first boom at some point. i also think it'd be fun if he joined/started a band but thats a conversation for another day maybe another au.
anyway thats it for now. also yes, i absolutely fuck with his gender. you're welcome.
#killjoy adam stanheight au#<needs an actual name but thats the tag for now#adam faulkner stanheight#ttlotfk#the true lives of the fabulous killjoys#danger days#corvidscrap#killjoy saw au
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My Will Wood album cover ranking and my thoughts about them :3
ATTENTION ATTENTION, RAMBLING AHEAD, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
10th place: The real Will Wood (2020)
I don't really like album covers where the focus is just on like. a dude
I like the lighting and the funeral motifs, and the cover kinda represents the plot of the movie, how Chris gets consumed by/obsessed with the personality of Will Wood
But still, I don't like the cover enough for it to be higher in my ranking
9th place: Everything is a lot (Remastered) (2020
I mean, I like it, but it's just a more bland (colorwise) version of the original, isn't it? Gonna talk more about it later on ;3
8th place: Camp Here & There: The soundtrack (2021)
Not a big fan of minimalism, but I do like the composition. The sky rieseling down like the sand in the clock is REALLY clever depicted (/genuine) (/impressed). I also like how the warm colors clash with the coldness around, reflecting the plot of the podcast (imo), but still, too much empty space for my liking.
7th place: "In case I make it, (2022)
It's ok, don't like the color composition tho. The moon (I think that's supposed to be the moon) (not sure), and the cheese. I like the nod to Tomcat Disposables (Is there cheese in the great beyond?/What's the moon made of?/Meet me there after I'm gone...), because it is my favorite lyric in the song, but I'm not sure if it really encapsulates the meaning of the album yknow? I like the style of the cover, symbolizing this big schizm in Wills music style with it's not so fucked up look, but couldn't the cover have been something that looks like it isn't just a cover for Tomcat Disposables?
6th place: in case i die:" (live) (2023)
It's silly (/sillious) (/in a good way) :3 The black and white really fit this album I think, idk why tbh. This cover was originally planned for In case I make it and I would have liked it if it would have stayed with In case I make it, but oh well.
5th place: Everything is a lot (2015)
The green-ish touch really adds to the cover. I love how the face breaks apart :3. Wills paisley art is just so pleasant to look at. And the brain trying to re-wire itself at the top is a nice detail :D im scared of the worm
4th place: The Normal Album (2020)
As I said, covers where the focus lies on a Dude™ aren't what I like, but. But as this is a parody of the 50s - 60s era of album covers I can close a second eye. Talking about eyes, why are Wills eyes so big here? A deer in the headlights of life (/so deep) (/sarcastic). The cover perfectly shows the motifs of the album, the crushing life in a society where you need to be exactly like the others (the coat and tie he wears), trying to rebel against it (personalizing of the tie), but still having to keep the social standards (greeting the neighbors even though they most likely hate you for your rebellion), and trying to cope with not being able to be like the others (I don't know how to explain this point I was trying to explain). This cover screams about a world of white picket fences and potlucks
3th place: SELF-iSH (2016)
It's so vibrant :3, I love Hypagognia 3 (the background art) (or is this Hypagognia 2) (idk). The guy being made out of a collage (the picture thing, not the school) of various parts of Wills painted body reflecting the motifs of the album, how there is no static "self" and that one can choose to not have one I mean. Kinda ironic how Will said "The world doesn't revolve around you, so don't revolve round someone else" in Missanthropologyst, while here the world literally revolves around him (yes I know the scissors will separate him from the world, but it has not yet succeeded 😼)
2econd place: SELF-iSH (Remastered) (2020)
Literally what I just said but now the background is in a UV-ish blue and looks kinda poisonous. I want to eat this cover, it looks so good :3
1th place: The real (2018)
The cover of the live album recorded in Roxy & Dukes, the recordings were then later used for The real Will Wood. The SELF-iSH guy returned! The collage-y paisley art, the colors, I need to get this cover into my bloodstream somehow. Hands down best cover there is, not that much explanation behind it for me. If this would have been in color it would have been at 9th place I think, but without colour it's perfect.
These are my thoughts about Will Wood[('s) and the tapeworms'] album covers. I only did Will Wood, but maybe I could make a ranking of the pre-tapeworms-era-bands album covers, idk yet.
If you want you can also tell me your thoughts about the album covers and which are your favorite/least favorite :3
I like talking about albums and their covers because music and art are really important to me :D
Making this ranking was fun, goodbye!
#will wood#ranking#album cover#in case i make it#will wood icimi#in case i die#Will wood icid#self ish#Everything is a lot#Eial#trww#camp here and there#Ramblings#wwattw#the normal album#will wood tna
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The people need little known facts about Baxter! Just like random headcannons, like what's his favorite holiday and why, etc. etc. Basically please just tell me more about this silly little man :)
*cracks knuckles*
me? talk about my favourite love interest in OL:BA?
Thought you'd never ask :P
favourite holiday? we already know his favourite season is fall cause nostalgia, and I almost wanna think that eventually Thanksgiving is his holiday
you absolutely know why but if i must elaborate
he is just so damn thankful for being able to reconnect with people he truly cared for, and that those people didnt give up on him; if MC romanced him, all the more thankful he has someone he can trust and rely on for the rest of his life, and that he can provide that back
but it wasnt always and only after Step 4; he needs to reconnect first for this to eventuate
and you just know that he will love hosting and cooking; any excuse to learn new recipes and show off his skills
before step 4 though? i dont think he had one, and thats his parents fault
any sort of events like these he had to attend with his family and be the 'expected perfect son' which he loathed
i do believe this is canon (pls correct if wrong) but i truly do believe he did not have any friends at his private school, and actively hated going
rebel Baxter? he sure was in his own way
spare periods between classes; he wandered off grounds to a spot where he could avoid the pompous populace
talk back to teachers? you can guarantee that; just more in that incheek way where they couldnt really punish him for what he said
can see him being the type to screw around in class and just be a bit of a bother to the teachers and students, but he was an A+ student all the way
guarantee that when asked to answer questions in class, if he was in the right sort of mood, straight up makeup facts just for the lols
(his parents might have put a stop to that real quick though)
mans was a brat we know this, and it was making the OLNF friends that made him question his life and his upbringing more
this is a touch more sad, but i think early on, he didnt really understand his parents position on things like the LBGTQIA+ community and such until he saw people he cared about be treated poorly by them, or heard what they had to say behind closed doors
i think this truly broke him and is what started the rifts in his friendships as he didnt know how to approach this (he is a kid, we cant expect him to know)
but what he did know, he NEVER wanted to be like his parents, and this is when he started his plan on moving to Virginia for uni
ahem, lets get back to some light hearted sweet stuff
i recon he went full platinum white once - pure white hair (you cannot take this away from me) but the upkeep of that was more insane than just handling black
favourite flower! rose. come on. even Cove said it in Step 1: Fancy!
though if we must choose a second option, Lupine
it has that really pretty purple colour (his second favourite colour after black and white) and its symbolism is very much on par with what he truly wants from life
google that shit, and tell me im wrong
100% reads smut; Im talking like Victorian era smut (Johanna Linsday, Amanda Quick type stuff)
October is his favourite month - the world around him was covered in that beautiful auburn colour
He loves pumpkin spiced lattes (with oat milk of course)
PRESENTS! oh oh when its Christmas time, this is the hardest thing for him because he doesnt just wanna buy something random, it needs to have meaning
You wanted to go see a museum? here are some tickets
Missed this movie when it was screening? Here is the Extended Release with all the additions DVD
You have a favourite flower or plant that you can never really have cause it doesnt grow in the climate you live in? In a frame you received a pressed and dried version of it, so you can always have it with you
.....i need to stop otherwise ill just keep going
(pls dont stop asking me though, ill talk about Baxter till death and will make a million more posts)
#our life beginnings and always#baxter ward#olba#olba baxter#olba mc#our life#our life headcannons#headcannons#i will never get sick of talking about baxter
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just saw your femstars eichi again and i just...i love her. somehow you capture her so well. i need to give her a warm blanket and a milkshake and i want to ask her which mascara she uses (i could never afford it) and i want to date her. sorry. i love her.
i also think her and your fem keito design (which is also so so good) would look very funny together and im here for it. look like they're attending two very different events at all times
WAHHHHH THANK YOU ANONNNN!!!!!🥺🥺💕💕💕💕💕 i love fem eichi sm. i tend to give her a bow in her hair bc it gives her a more elegant look, but my hc for her is that she only really has her hair styled if either her family forces her or if she needs to look more "presentable" (i.e. fan meetings and the likes)
but whenever eichi gets to choose for herself? 0 styling. she brushes her hair and calls it a day. bc in her eyes its kinda like shes rebelling against her family and having control of her own life💪💪 (i like when eichi views common things as something grand AKJSHFKJH)
ITS TRUE ITS TRUE!! we need to bring the war girlies together, theyre all rocking different looks and i love that for them
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im just did mori's chapter omg i love him
my immediate thought is: i want the choice to actually let me be more of a punk myself and kick a cop or something, hah. let him call me cool for it. or at least let me stay calm. i guess bc im a punk myself but let me be more understanding of the poor guy! im not freaked out he killed a cop demon, he’s obviously being hunted for his (un)life! if someone chooses this route they’re probably a bit of a punk themselves so like, let me be a bro
mori, though, i have 0 problems with. ive known this cat for 1 1/2 minutes and i would die for him. he's exactly the type of rebel i love. he’s a wonderful fuzzy man, also two of them? two of them. i did not expect that but i approve. im 90% ace but also probably would have fucked him on the rooftop tbh. brilliant guy
lmfao the stinky punk man has a way of exacerbating the punkness in us all.
So truth be told, Mori was like the earliest demo for TCM, back when I had to keep the game sfw to keep it eligible to enter in a game jam against many more traditional otome type games. At the time, I was testing viability of making TCM like a real thing and so kind of had to make the MC more of an "everyman" than I normally do. (You can see in Amir's and Akello's chapters that the MC is comfortable fairly quick with their antics.)
As far as just writing goes, keeping the MC relatable and comfortable to project onto for a wide number of people is the hardest part of TCM but that being said, I DO want the Mori Route MC to kind of onboard with him more quickly in his route. Mori's the kind of character who's encouraged by someone laughing at his antics and getting caught up in his energy, so I definitely want the MC to take a more active position in Troublemaking and being understanding to his messier side without a lot much hesitation.
#Yeah its a really fine balancing act sometimes#but i def want to let MC be more wild with him#and also in general i want the mc to be influenced by how their RO acts!#thank you for asking!#and thank you for playing!!#mori
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okay i get it feminine women find NLOG narratives grating but these video essays about NLOG characters in historical dramas are soooo obtuse. like you really think youve analysed the story critically when your point boils down to jo march/anne shirley/anne lister werent all that for going against everything that was expected of them, or when the character trope youre critiquing are REAL people
there’s nOt LiKe OtHeR giRLs, and then there’s existing in an insular or conservative culture as a woman and being unable to exist in peace in any way other than a way that ACTIVELY makes your life harder. i live in a conservative place by and large and im okay dressing in any way that doesn’t have me be a focal point, so i’ll wear something that i dont feel entirely myself in and be fine. but man it’s tough out here for decidedly masc presenting women, who, if anything, check all the conservative dresscode boxes. and that’s NOW. like present day.
what these critiques fail to take into account is that what youd consider NLOG is often performatively so? like youre not just unlike other girls, you’re unlike other girls in a way that’s appealing to men or other such women or whoever decides things are cool. so much of being NLOG is about declaring that you are not like the other girls. and then listing out the ways that you are then not.like the other girls (but you’re still thin, light skinned, have long hair, have a carefully curated wardrobe dw).
ig it’s distancing yourself from admitting you’re preoccupied with figuring out how to perform femininity or feminine appeal or maybe not wanting to be hyperfeminine but youre still straight, or maybe youre at lvl 1 NLOG and you think hyperfemininity and critical thinking is a real life dichotomy or smth
idk what to tell the ytuber but anne lister was decidedly not like other girls. i dont think she’d even call herself a girl if she were plonked into the present day. anne shirley was either born ND or was put through a traumatising system early and for long enough to never be able to look at the world the same way as the kids brought up safely and with loving, money-having parents. and both of these characters loved women too much for you to conclude that they scorned “feminine” qualities (and therefore, the other girls).
you really cant ignore the context of the time. it took so little to not be like other girls. and so many of her points kind of made my heart sink. is attention to clothing and caring about feminine coded things all that there is to being a woman? if anything a historical setting lets you see there’s more to gender and that people contain multitudes. esp w little women, jo and amy are written as foils and share many core features that make them THEM, more so than their clothing or style or the way they choose to come across and the things they scoff at. they’re two ends of the SAME spectrum
where people get the idea that existing as a masculine woman is easy i do not know. i think people too often conflate being gender non-conforming, with actively rebelling against and/or denouncing gendered expectations, with the NLOG trope/phenomenon as seen in social media/published media
you would really make a “we need to talk about…” video about these women and characters while wearing jeans and having your hair down and wearing bright lipstick..
#terfs dni#people dont know what misogyny means anymore it would seem#also for a hist costuber she has a shocking lack of awe for how radical anne lister’s clothing choices were#also let people hate corsets again idc#some were comfy and some sucked and i bet a lot of people didnt have the money for a well made one#as if we dont know how much a well fitting bra costs now#the comments are calling her out godbless#anne lister#anne shirley#jo march#amy march#gentleman jack#anne with an e#anne of green gables#little women
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@incaensio sent: ❛ are you even sorry? ❜ - katniss/haymitch (ngl,,, this would be Fun for MJ)
thirteen has him dressing in jackets, gloves, and a beanie. years of punishing his body has meant that regulation of temperature is something that has been beat out of it. the garments make sure that abernathy is warm, but it doesn't stop the withdrawal shivers that still plague him now. shouldn't it have stopped ? haymitch doesn't really know. he's no doctor. it's the first time he and the girl have seen each other in the underground district and had some sense of privacy. he's given her space, and he bets she could use some more.
everdeen's question is vague, and his brain instantly thinks of several things it could do with. arms remain crossed over his chest. it's retaining the warmth better, but it does nothing to add a friendliness to his demeanor. maybe he should pander, butter her up. he has some experience after being a mule for the games for twenty-five years. she's no cap sponsor though, and being so out of character might end with more violence. though, even being genuine likely will too. " for which part ? are ya talkin' the boy ? of course. that sorrow is felt for 'im though. ya might be 'is wife, but that doesn't mean i owe it to ya. he's 'is own person, and i think about 'im being there all the time. " peeta is in the capitol ; peeta is in snow's hands. the interview while sad at least confirmed he was still alive. they still had a chance at getting him here.
" i know ya think i broke the promise, but i didn't. i did everythin' in my power to try to get 'im here. how was i suppose to know that things played out the way they did ? if i broke it, ya broke it too. what did ya do to make sure he got here ? ya see how slippery slick that slope is ? i know ya didn't break it. and if ya think i did, that's fine. i'm not gonna say i'm sorry for breakin' it if i don't think i did though. " his defensiveness is uncalled for, but it's the only way he can cope with everything. being sober leaves a lot of time for wading through the guilt and other thoughts haymitch would like to suppress. one of the medical staff commented how he probably drank to forget. well damn, abernathy drinks because he likes the alcohol. ( the other thing was just an added benefit. )
" as for ya, " finger points to the girl momentarily as though katniss wouldn't know who he's talking about. " i am sorry for the position ya were thrown in. i know it isn't fair. you're young. ya didn't choose this. nothing's fair though. nobody's life in panem is their own, other than some caps. we've talked 'bout how victors never leave the arena. ya can get better at the games, but it never makes 'em easier. the difficulty just gets harder. your loved ones most of which are here would 'ave just become tally marks for times that snow got 'is fuckin' feelings hurt. i know it's unfair, and for that i am sorry. ya can make a difference though. and when this is all said and done, ya and the people ya care about can actually live. " he's not saying he did this for her. no, obviously not. haymitch wants to see the world burn so it can be rebuilt. katniss cares deeply for those she loves though. he does hope the girl and those people do get to live in peace though, even if it will only be after the rebellion and if the rebels won.
" add me to that little list of people ya wanna kill to coin for all i care. just let me see ya end snow first, " he remarks. " but 'til then, let me work with ya so we can get peeta 'ere. cinna too who saw the very same potential in ya that i did that all of the rebels did. ya don't 'ave to like me or trust me. i've given ya plenty of reasons to not. at the very least i can help ya navigate through all this mockingjay shit. "
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1, 3, 14, and 17 for the choose violence asks!
Ok I'm gonna put these under a read more just in case anyone doesn't wanna see negativity but OMG these kinda things are just fun sometimes I swear
Obviously, none of this is super serious so if any of these apply to your hcs/etc I'm not juuudging you....very much 👀
The character everyone gets wrong
Oh my god. Norman, Jim, Elder Price and Spongeboy all for very different reasons
Norman- Ok yes, he does murder people. but like. the amount of people who have acted like me being sympathetic to his character is some great evil is ridiculous because 1) it's not real life. nobody actually died 2) the fantasy of wanting to help a fellow hurting person via fiction doesn't say anything about someone other than they take a chance on the blorbos nobody else does
Jim Stark- This one's more of a pop culture pet peeve but Jim Stark is not some bad boy who just causes problems to be a nuisance to his parents. 'Rebel Without a Cause' doesn't refer to him being a rebel for no real reason, it's referring to how he seems to get himself into trouble whenever he tries to fit in and how no matter what, he seems to end up doing the wrong thing and digging his hole even deeper. The whole movie is a tragedy about what happens when we fail our youth and I wish more people knew that!! I wish I had known that sooner, I only watched it recently for film class and I was so surprised to relate to his character so much, I expected to hate him based on the pop culture legacy surrounding the film.
Elder Price- Yes he's an asshole in act 1. Yes him saying sorry doesn't make up for him being an asshole. Yes he still had a character arc. No Pricingham isn't abusive just because Price had to go through growing pains to break out of cult sheltering.
Spongebob- HE!!!!!!IS!!!!!!!!AN !!!!!!!! ADULT!!!!!!! THE WHOLE POINT OF THE FIRST MOVIE IS TO SAY IT'S OK TO BE CHILDISH AND EMBRACE YOURSELF AS AN ADULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If i see one more person saying spongebob is child coded and shipping him is problematic bc of that im gonna lose my marbles
3. Screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr
I don't really keep screenshots of bad takes bc it just feeds negativity imo (some people can handle keeping receipts and i bow to their strength bc I can't stand it). But award for the worst take award still probably goes to the South Park fandom for sheer audacity.
Shoutout to years, YEARS ago when I had a Scott Tenorman roleplay blog and I did some ship rps with a Cartman blog. For context they're half brothers, but also, Cartman literally killed Scott's parents and fed them to him in chili.
Do you wanna take a wild guess about which aspect of this ship antis harassed me about? (also I'm sorry for telling this story every chance I get but it's SO funny to me, and it was also my first real run in with antis lol)
14. That one thing you see in fics all the time
bro. bro. forgetting lube exists 😭 no elaboration necessary it takes me right out of the experience
17. There should be more of this type of fic/art
SELFSHIP CONTENT IN GENERAL!!!!!! Cringe culture is DEAD i want more people to ship with weird characters and the most obscure shit ever.
#ask game#tysm for asking!!!!!!#discourse#sorta#incest mention#incest cw#cannibalism cw#f/o tag: all american prophet#f/o tag: mama's boy#f/o tag: rhombus slacks#f/o tag: rebel without a cause
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will you do more with that cupid au? im absolutely enthralled and id love to see/hear more on it. the "i do" artwork gave me chills
Oooh i might do! I have a few ideas.. cupid au is mainly just my “rewrite” of the whole of TBC…. Id love to completely redo the whole of TBC tbh but i’m trying to stick to the possession plot/ghost powers (becoz the Erins seem to love that and intend for it to be the plot of the arc) and keep Bristlefrost as an antagonist for more of the arc, or even have her agree with Bramblestar- stop tricking the POV characters into being bad and let them choose to be “bad”/be the alternative viewpoint! I want Spotfur to have more of a role in Bristlefrost’s life beyond “Stemleaf’s rebel gf” and Stemleaf to be more than a “rebel” (god that title is so cringe)… idk how to resolve the issue i have with Ashfur being the big bad and the whole “codebreakers” thing being dropped and never really expanded on… cupid just refers to Mapleshade getting involved and manipulating Bristlefrost’s confused teenage feelings about her Clanmate and the boy-next-door Rootspring.
#asks#cupid au#lots of thoughts…. lots#if u have any issues with tbc or stuff lemme know… i got things cookin
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hi :3
ik im always late to drop review, but your readings are a source of guidance and I could use some insight. please read further only if you want to and choose to do a reading for me (cause it's fine if you don't :)).
I'm R, a Taurus sun, and I am on a job hunt. I have ruled out Deloitte. Can I please know if I should consider LKS Or Lawfinity Solutions, please?
The pay at LKS is more but LSolutions is fully remote and involves no travel (takes a 50% cut off though).
Thank you irrespective of whether you choose to do the reading. I think it's wrong to wish people well conditionally. Have a great day/night ☀️🌙
hello rebel! i'm so glad my readings are a source of guidance and insight for you, honey! and i can't wait to give your review a second read when this event is over! i loved it so far though! and omg! just a heads up... you sound both very judgemental and understanding in this message all at once! you might want to watch out for that in your law world, honey! just a heads up! that gemini mercury is surely showing its head here in you! lolol okay!
for you, i got the 8 of cups, 6 of wands & justice.
oh, easy! pick lawfinity! your spirit is saying that it's time to put away those old ideas of what you thought you wanted and go for the things that you actually care about. aka this is not about the money or how well lks will pay you because you know you would rather be fully remote in the mountains or be not traveling at all because you instead get to be on this earth to also be in your home. you could literally follow where the winds tells you to go! like wow! doesn't that sound like the fucking romantic, cozy life! instead of slaving away in a corporate job, acting like another ant in the cog wheel of life. don't you feel you are justified for more in this lifetime? doesn't the adventure of the day-to-day sound more like you, honey? you being unbound and in pjs! lolol love it, honey!
hope you enjoyed it! please give feedback or buy me a coffee/tip when you can! if you want to explore this further, please also consider a private read. also thank you for sharing with me!♡
love & light!
-tea
♡ message me for details/questions & to book a reading! ♡
#tea tarot reading#tarot reading#tarot witch#tarot reader#tarot#tarot read#tarot cards#tarotcommunity#divination#i love tarot#free tarot#tarotblr#tarot deck#tarot community#burningrebelsworld
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I just had this dream...i dont feel like writing it. But i cant get it out of my head.
I was in a completely fictional high school setting. But it was dystopian and general vibes reminded me of severance without the severance. The school felt very militant and controlled and like if you spoke out of turn something terrible would happen to you vibes. No evidence of that just a general vibe.
But whatever, it was my typical dream senior year, and my 2nd period class was a math elective. Like it was only for one marking period blah blah blah. I go there and the only people from real life are (sort of) rkelly, and.....hg from csd. I was kinda talking to hg but basically i made friends with the “cool kids” and we were in the back of class. It was me, (sort of) rkelly, another jock guy, a sort of blonde friendly cool girl. Giving cd from highschool, and another black girl.
So we’re all joking around waiting to be dismissed. The group is flirting, me and cd are becoming friends and talking about the boys. Then, jock boy kisses cd and then rkelly kisses her too. And im like omg “technically you all just made out with eachother, cause you all kissed”
feeling a little left out but it was just hs sillyness. Cd makes a joke like....towards rkelly implying she wants a boyfriend and flirting and he rejects her immediately and is like “thats the exact opposite of what im looking for.” But i had starting feeling soft for rkelly and wanted him to like me and was a little sad when he said he didnt want a gf.
I also remembered that rkelly was on my bus, lived in my neighborhood. And that was gonna be a way for me to get closer. Something about the kissing was ironic to something that happened on the bus this morning so i was gonna bring that up to flirt later.
Somewhere along the line....rkelly turns into Adam scott. Like literally mark scout from severance. And im starstruck and kept wanting to be like “omg like ur an icon i grew up with you” but for some reason i wanted to call him Ben Stiller. Cause his name is ben in parks and rec and ben stiller created severance. It was weird. It was also at this point, that about 75% started realizing this is a dream....and probably a scary one at that.
The cool kids and i, are waiting to be dismissed and its taking so long so all of the gang besides me leaves early to be rebels whatever. I took it upon myself to stay as sort of a lookout bc.....well i was nervous to disobey everything was strict and scary.
The teacher gets mad. I call them back, whatever.
So anyway, me and mark scout lol get closer. I never bring up that hes a celebrity and im pretty sure this is a dream. There were other scary and eerie things going on but also i tried to remind myselt im dreaming, it can’t actually hurt me, lets just play around with this cute romance. But also....i was like i dont feel like dealing with this i should just scream and leave.
So i screamed and left....into another dream. I thought i was waking up but i wasnt. So i kept feeling narcoleptic and getting sucked back in.
When we left for the day, im thinking we go on the bus but actually mark has this super sick rolls royce looking car. And im like “oh can you drive me home, we live rn to eachother”
The teacher came out she was basically ms cobel. And i thought i was gonna get in trouble for riding home with mark and not explicitly stating it beforehand. I also just thought it wasnt allowed and didnt want her to know my business. Luckily mark pulled away fast.
So we’re being cute, he’s being cute.
Another school day goes by. He waits for me at my locker 1:44. I’m having locker trauma but trying to remember ITS JUST A DREAM, you are basically choosing to be here lol who gives a fuck. Throw it all away, take it home, leave it here who cares you dont actually have homework. Anyway, i thought it was cute he waited for me and i didnt even have to ask him to drive me home.
swipe for pt twoooooo
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Morning Pages 1/26/2023
After my morning meditation and prayers I do some reading from different books. Just like a section or a paragraph or an entry depending on the book. One book that is part of my morning routine is my friend David’s book ‘Healing Heals the Healer Too’. with that book i randomly open up to a page and read whatever passage is there. For the past few times ive been doing this exercise with this book the same passage come up. Its a passage about an Aya experience he had. The way he describes his experience reminds me of an experience i’ve had while on San Pedro. The feeling of having to choose between you Mother’s happiness and your own and then feeling split. And then the experience of feeling the different iterations of yourself coming into your body and then you mourning for the past yous that experienced the sadness and pain. And also the experience of feeling the part of you thats just behind you coming into your body.
When I was a baby I died. The night I was born i flat lined due to a valve that was not closing properly. I had to get an emergency operation that saved my life. During my San Pedro experience i saw myself as a baby, no longer breathing. And then i saw my mother standing over me screaming and crying. I felt so bad that I decided to go back into my body. And that cycle has manifested itself over an dover again in my life. Living 2 lives. One where i am expressing myself in secret, and another when i am showing up for my mom the way shse wants me to. Because of the life experiences i had, i eventually rebelled ( as teens and 20 year olds naturally do) and I started living the life that my mom taught me was “bad”. There was some level of perspective that I had that I felt my mother didnt. She viewed her life in fear. I was numb to that fear. Whenever i would feel it i would use it to fuel whatever crazy decision I was about to do. Part fo me thinks i feel like i deserved to be afraid because i was doing something that “wasnt allowed” (drugs or sex or rock and roll). Now i’m trying to integrate those parts of me into a whole person and decide whats really me and what was a over exaggeration of what i truly wanted which was freedom and autonomy.
Now more so than ever i can easily jump into the past versions of myself and feel that energy. I was experiencing that the other day when jordan was over. I was talking about past friendships and there was a certain attitude that was coming out, it was this back that i felt, that would keep me protected from people hurting me. A more aggressive attitude that had stank and sass. It was a part of me that I kind of looked up to and enjoyed, but i could see the part of that ego that was punitive and unforgiving. I’d liek to get to know those parts of me better. I can also see the pattern of friendships that eventually went south. I think it was my own hurt and judgements that prevented me from being truly openhearted, which i forgive myself for. I forgive myself for not being able to hold space in my heart for people who hurt me. Its a hard thing to do and no one is requiring me to do that. I want to be able to hold space for those who have hurt me but i know i must allow myself to do my own individual healing. I cant force forgiveness if im not ready for it, even with myself.
I can see and feel the past versions of myself that still feel shame, regret and guilt and they are much softer than they used to be. They have relaxed more and they can feel the love and compassion thats there for them. And being able to hold space for those feelings in myself helps me hold space for that feeling in others. “Forgiveness is tricky” Trudy says in the midnight gospel, and it is. Its hard to forgive someone for the pain they inflicted on your when youre still healing from it. Its hard to forgive yourself from the pain you inflicted on someone else when youre still feeling it. Hurt people hurt people they say. I know i hurt other because it is the perpetuation of that pain. It is projection most for me personally. Its pain that i do not choose to feel so i transfer it onto someone else.
I think thats the process i’m, in now. I keep thinking of what Jordan tells me “theyre your feelings and your allowed ot have them” I appreciate that because for the longest time I’ve denied my feelings and am just now starting to allow my feelings to be mine. But they are mine, not anyone else’s feelings, and i see the ways where i want other people to feel what i feel because i can very easily feel what others feel. And then i get angry when others dont feel what i feel. David said my blind spot if that i cant empathize with those who dont empathize and i definitely feel that very clearly. I very much value my friendships with other people who are more experienced and practiced in their empathy. I value those friendships because i value that quality within myself. When people are unable to feel what i feel or just even recognize that im having a different experience from them i get upset. I also can admit that i get upset when other people dont feel what i feel. I can see how thats a side effect from growing up with my parents. My dad screaming at my mom “you have no idea how i even feel” and they didn’t. They did not empathize and try to understand one another.
I want to be able to be in relationship with people where i have my feelings and i dont expect or get resentful when other peopl cant hold my feelings the way i do. And if i need help holding feelings i and grateful that i have people in my life who can help me hold my feelings and can meet me where i’m at. I know i get upset becaus ei’m still upset with myself for the ways i’ve denied my own feelings and my own experiences and im giving myself more compassion for that. I understand that i was so much in my shit that showing up for someone else was not an option. I had to show up for myself first and also as for help in order to process what i’m going through. Its like when you have a broken leg, it would be difficult for you to off to take care of someone else’s kid. Allow your leg to heal, get the help you need, and when youre better you can help others.
I am someone who enjoys showing up for others. I see the ways where i get validation from that. Last night i was thinking of the ways where i do enjoy fear and pain. Or was i thinking fo that this morning. Well i was thinking of it at some point. I was thinking of how i kind of liked the fear and the excitement and how i need to find healthy outlets for that.
I have a consensual non-consent fantasy where my partner get angry with me and then pushes me around and spanks me and hold me and and throws me around and has rough sex with me. I want to play that out. I dont know why. Theres something about being choked thats scary for me and thats the hot part. Liek i want someone to choke me with confidence. I can tell when someone is choking me and theyre afraid to hurt me. Damn. i think i need to dive back into the lifestyle because i can tell these are these weird subconscious parts of me that want to be played out. Like the whole victim and oppressor shit. I didnt realize the ways i was playing that out subconsciously.
I’m happy that im so much more aware now than i ever was before. I am very aware of the pain that i keep stored inside me. Not how much pain, just knowing that i hold onto it. That i enjoy it. I think its stored in my sacral. The pain of belonging. And i got hit when i was a kid because i was doing something that wasnt conforming. I had to conform and in order for me to conform my parents hit me. My parents put fear and pain inside my body so i knew that feeling pain and fear meant that i was doing something wrong. That i was bad. All of that morphed into this weird thing where i still craved that fear and wanting to be bad, so i would act out certain scenarios in my life to instill that fear and that “bad” feeling, usually instrumentalizing someone else.
I dont wanna play with people anymore and i dont wanna play myself. I want to be honest and aware of whats happening. I wanna understand what part of me wants to be played out in these scenarios and what its trying to relieve. I’m a big fan of playing out your feelings, allowing them to be expressed in a healthy way. Im very grateful to bein situations where i can now openly speak about my feelings and also ask for space and ask for the support i need. I didnt feel like i had that in my 20’s and the bdsm world served as an introduction to speaking your truth. I didnt get it totally perfect because i was still not in communication with myself. I was still denying the pain i was experiencing and using sex as an outlet.
I’ve always thought there was some kind of kinky sex demon with me. That would use me to release and express. Maybe thats the demon that scratched me when i was younger part of me wants to dig deeper and talk to him, but part of me is scared. IDk what i’m scared of. Idk if i’m scared of seeing a demon and talking to it. Or if im scared that there is no demon at all and the darkness is really just me.
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