Battling Depression

When battling depression

It helps to create abstractly

Something greater than yourself

And then ask it for help

The power of the mind

To help itself is documented

Believe in what is greater

And then believe that it cares

And then ask this thing

To take away the sadness

Which seems to flow from no source

It worked for me

I hope it works for you

Create the lever

By which you remove the weight

On your soul

For the few people on here who follow-

Why Am I Alive?

Please be trigger aware when reading. I haven’t written for a long time on here. And I don’t know if I’ll stay around. But I’m writing for me this time. I’m writing because I need to not because other people need me too. I’m aware that is selfish. But then no one needs to read this. Since I last wrote life has been tough. Mum has cancer that is terminal. Chemo gives us more time but each time…

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“Elijah was afraid and fled for his life. He went to Beersheba, a town in Judah, and he left his servant there. Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.” Then he lay down and slept under the broom tree.

But as he was sleeping, an angel touched him and told him, “Get up and eat!” He looked around and there beside his head was some bread baked on hot stones and a jar of water! So he ate and drank and lay down again.

Then the angel of the Lord came again and touched him and said, “Get up and eat some more, or the journey ahead will be too much for you.” So he got up and ate and drank, and the food gave him enough strength to travel forty days and forty nights to Mount Sinai, the mountain of God.” —1 Kings 19:3‭-‬8 (NLT)

The Bible uses the word “depression” in a few translations and verses, but more often uses words like: “downcast,” “brokenhearted,” “troubled,” “miserable,” “despairing,” and “mourning,” Elijah, Moses, Jonah, Job, David, Jeremiah and other men and women of faith struggled and battled through dark times of hopelessness and depression. Even Jesus Himself struggled in the Garden of Gethsemane as He awaited Crucifixion (Matthew 26:36-46).

If you, or someone you know is struggling right now, God will not rebuke or condemn you or them for feeling that way. Instead, He will love and help you. Take comfort in the Word; in prayer; in the power of God to change your situation; in the strength and love of Jesus; and in the Comforter, The Holy Spirit (John 15:26, 16:7). And God may send someone to help you, like He sent an Angel to Elijah. And when you can, come alongside someone and share their burden of sorrow with them. Sometimes, like Elijah, all someone needs is a listener and comfort. Amen. 🙏

This month is hard. It doesn't feel like it's been two years since the spiral that set everything in motion. Last year felt better oddly enough. Or maybe I blocked it out.

Memory is apart from time. You can taste it, feel it... watch it play over and over. And you can't stop it. Just delay. I play music on my headphones to drown each noise my brain makes at night.

And then sometimes I can't remember anything. I don't know why I'm sad even though I can pick through shelves of hurt. It's just a blanket of hollow.

Melancholy.

Being happy feels genuine... until it doesn't. But I've come so far and I've been in a better place. Until it feels like this will be the time I couldn't possibly go any further.

I know C-PTSD has a laundry list of symptoms. Trust me, I am aware of them all. I smirk at my internal giggle from the cathartic dark humor I have.

As if I've surely forgotten I have symptoms, horrible memories and I have to deal with them. Oh. Oops.

Sarcasm saves the day.

It feels like someone else went through twelve years of abuse. Someone else hid it from everyone. Someone else justified it. Someone else went to psychology class and didn't put two and two together... or didn't want to at least.

Someone else, someone else, SOMEONE ELSE.

But no, it was me.

People say don't blame yourself. I don't know if I do. But at this moment in time, (2:13 AM) dealing with the consequences of my choices...

What can I say?

At least the music is good.

GUH! These self help books are making me SO AWARE so fast it’s making me NAUSEOUS!!

Heck a roni mate.

I am trying.

Some days it doesn’t seem like it,

but know that I am.

The first time I thought death was the answer

I was nine.

That was a long time ago.

So please understand,

that it has been a very long fight.

It has made me so tired,

and sometimes it weighs too heavy.

But I am trying.

Who knew that during the most isolating year of my life that I would find myself falling in love with dead poets.

The tree revisited (ode to depression.)

I find myself walking – a very secluded path

Not quite sure where I am going?

Yet confident I have been there before.

In the puddles – on the pathway, I walk

Seeing reflections – of a younger me

While making wishes and skipping stones for brighter days.

Although the trees haven’t started to shed their leaves,

I still find myself mesmerized, gazing and reminiscing at the beautiful fall colors each hold - so uniquely.

It is like I am living in a colored cartoon, while I myself am in black and white.

Do I deserve to be in such a beautiful place?

I would like to think so, but truly don’t know of my worth to such a place in life.

As the clouds are now starting to cover the little bit of sun that’s been shinning

My vision is feeling like a double exposed print.

I can see, yet barely make out what it is I am looking at.

The time feels like five o’clock

But really, it’s only noon.

The wind is really starting to blow,

Shivering the trees, hanging on for dear life

Are the leaves.

As I just continue to stare while placing my cold hand into my pants pocket.

G-Buda

"This was written in my deepest state of depression which I never tend to revisit. The words once I re-read them really hit my feeling at the time on the nails head. this is one of my poems that I really hope can resignate with people in need of a voice or some form of understanding their mental stability at the time."

lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

--

no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

The cycle of my life

Pain, fear and strife

Contemplating the edge

Of a sharp knife

Contempt for the hand

That holds it to my neck

Every second I have trouble

Keeping that hand in check

I asked for help from my family

I asked for help from my friends

They offered it helpfully

To keep me from my end

Try to change your habits

Try to change your mind

Forgive yourself for mistakes

Be gentle, be kind

When your soul is aching

Compressing from the stress

It’s more than you can be taking

Causing you to dissolve into a mess

I asked god for help

To make me more like him

He just make me unhappy

Upset and depressed

The weight I now carry

Is more that I can hold

I feel lifelessly weary

Not warm, but cold

Indifferent to my troubles

Recording for posterity

I see the way to go

I’ll be killing myself with clarity

I was useless in my life

I don’t think I’ll be missed

If I don’t end it

I will be pissed

*note

Not all lines and words that go together well should be recorded. I started from the first verse and then it descended from there. Falling into disfavor, falling into despair. But that is not really what I’m feeling, just a shade of a dark musing. I did feel negative during a walk. I did feel like I had unhappy thoughts. I did feel a burning in my chest, an ache in my soul. But that’s not me fully, it doesn’t represent me as a whole. Over all I’m doing well, just not happy with my weight. I wish I had a different job but I’m late in looking for one. I want more people to interact with what I write, just to leave a comment or a like. I could even take some criticism if it’s give in good faith. My friend dissected a poem I wrote, saying the syllables were off, and then when I went a meticulously fixed it, he said it was better how it was before. I think that often you are conveying a mood or a vibe, and you can get off topic if you try to match the syllables exactly. I bet not many will read this, but I’m actually doing alright. Thanks for reading this far.

Battling the Buzz: How Zeneara Ear Support Helped My Tinnitus

For years, the constant hum in my ears was a persistent annoyance, like a faulty radio station permanently tuned to static. This tinnitus made it difficult to sleep, concentrate, and enjoy the peace and quiet. I explored various solutions – ear drops, white noise machines, even mindfulness exercises – but nothing provided lasting relief. Then, I discovered Zeneara Ear Support supplements, and let me tell you, they've been a revelation.

Natural Support for Troubled Ears

What initially drew me to Zeneara was its focus on natural ingredients. Unlike some medications that can come with unpleasant side effects, Zeneara boasts a blend of vitamins, minerals, and botanical extracts specifically formulated for ear health. Their "Mute Button Method" claims to improve blood flow to the ears, balance brain chemicals, and support healthy nerve function – all factors that could potentially contribute to tinnitus.

Gradually Finding Silence

It wasn't an instant fix, but after a few consistent weeks of taking Zeneara daily, I began to notice a shift. The incessant ringing, once a constant companion, started to fade. There were stretches of glorious silence I hadn't experienced in ages. Sleep became more restful, and the tinnitus became less intrusive throughout the day. While it didn't vanish entirely, the significant reduction made a massive difference in my quality of life.

A Holistic Approach to Ear Care

Beyond the tinnitus relief, I believe Zeneara has had a positive overall impact on my ear health in general. The formula includes ingredients known for their antioxidant properties, which could potentially protect the delicate cells within the ears. There's also a good dose of B vitamins, which contribute to healthy nerve function throughout the body, including those crucial for hearing.

Discreet and Effortless Addition to My Day

Zeneara comes in convenient capsule form, making it a breeze to incorporate into my daily routine. No more fiddling with messy drops or bulky devices. The capsules are small and easy to swallow, a big plus for someone like me who's always on the go.

A Recommendation with Enthusiasm

If you're battling tinnitus or any other ear troubles, I wholeheartedly recommend giving Zeneara Ear Support a try. While individual experiences may vary, my journey with Zeneara has been overwhelmingly positive. It's a natural approach to ear health that's worked wonders for me, and it might just be the answer you've been seeking. Remember, it's always best to consult your doctor before starting new supplements, but for me, Zeneara has been a true lifesaver.

“I intend to live a fast life, die young and be a beautiful corpse," [1920] ‘Live fast, die young, and have a good-looking corpse" [1947] ‘Live Fast Die Young’, most of us groove to those words, and for many of us it hits deep, resonating with a raw intensity that transcends generations. But have those words been the same in 1920 or 1947 when Willard Motley first published the phrase. Back then, it was fuelled by the desire to live a life on one’s own terms and ‘to leave a good-looking corpse’ as Mrs. Luce would agree. “Live well” = “live a fast life” [1925] | “Live hard” = “Live fast” [1930] It was a lifestyle built on choices to give one freedom to become one’s true self and lead the path carefree. It was about leaving behind a legacy so beautiful it would echo through eternity. “The curse of James Dean car” [1955] So, was the curse of James Dean's car a curse indeed? An actor who breathed life into the phrase published by Willard Motley and followed it all the way with a premature and tragic death in 1955, made the headlines flash ‘James Dean curse’; ‘Curse of Dean’s car’ but did it fall upon the rising stars, the ‘music industry’ had ever birthed. “The 27 Club” or “Forever 27” A wave that shook the industry most post-1960s, constituted a club no one wishes to join yet some yearn to even reach its door. The Club emerged through the constant struggle against addiction, mental health battles, burnout, and the relentless pressure to stay on top. And when the inevitable happened, they left this world too soon; they lived fast and died young indeed but the reality of their passing seems far from beautiful. “What’s the 27 club, we ain’t making it past 21” [2017] But if we fast forward, then what’s that yearning we see in artists to make it to the club? Speaking of, while in the most eastern Asian part of the world Kim Jong-Hyun, (member of one of the most popular K-Pop band, ‘SHINee’s’) made it to the saddest and tragic, ‘The 27 Club’, the same year Jarad Anthony Higgins (Juice WRLD, Pop singer & rapper) from Western part of the world, America sang ‘Legends’ with yearning, “What’s the 27 club, we ain’t making it past 21”. And he most certainly couldn’t find that out, but he did make it past 21 which throws light upon the ‘Piner’s Club’ who meet their tragic end before even making it to the tragic ‘The 27 Club’. But then, would Avicii’s crossing the 27 only to reach 8 months afar, impact the 27 Club? Perhaps, an announcement left for another decade. Despite, all the pain, struggles, and tragedies, the bygones succeed in leaving behind something truly remarkable. Their music becomes their legacy, a timeless reminder of their talent and passion. It's a legacy that transcends time, touching the hearts of audiences for generations to come. ‘Live Fast, Die Young’ has shaped into a reflection of the complex and often turbulent lives of those who dare to chase their dreams. Because often the journey holds a blurry vision of ‘intentional and unintentional’ and living with own terms gets lost in turbulence. But as we reflect on their journeys, we're left wondering – is it truly necessary to live fast and die young to leave a beautiful legacy? It's a question that lingers in the air, inviting us to ponder the true essence of a life well-lived." PS: Seeing the phrase in the lyrics of one of my favourite songs, by one of my favourite Artists who are really young, intrigued me and led to this typing.[But they went on a BREAK!] Regardless of your life, in the journey to your beautiful legacy, I wish you reap the importance of having a break, taking a pause, or steering your life to your own terms.

ANDY: “My dad’s always run things a certain way around here. He likes us to chase a rabbit on a track. But it’s a stupid trick to keep us all running, just a stupid prize, the Pole Day. I’m done chasing the rabbit. I am the rabbit. The rabbit runs, because she loves it. I do this job, because I love it. I don’t need a prize. Every day here is the prize. Every life saved. Every fire put out. We’re Seattle firefighters. Station 19 is where we choose to be. And that pole belongs to us. We earned it… one fire at a time. Which means forget how things are usually done. Every day is a damn Pole Day. Starting right now.”

*episode ends with all the firefighters using the pole*

People always have their eyes on the prize. In fact, society makes you chase prizes that don’t even exist. You’ve got to treat every day on Earth as the prize even when it may feel like it’s not because if you’re alive to feel anything at all - then that is the prize.

I’m saying this as someone who’s just lost their dad in a really traumatizing way. But oddly it’s put things into perspective for me. He might not be alive, but I am. And as hard and painful as it is, I have to move on and I have to think about myself and my own health now. And I have to look at every god damn day as my prize because there will eventually come a day where it’s taken from me. Where I can no longer run the race.

There’s no point anticipating the destination.

I have to appreciate the journey.

Depression be damned.

It will not rule me.

I will rule it.

Because life is the prize.

A quest of self-discovery?

Starring: Reese Witherspoon , Laura Dern,Thomas Sadoski, Gaby Hoffman, Kevin Rankin Directed by: Jean-Marc Vallée Genre:Biographical/Drama “When I do something, it is all about self-discovery. I want to learn and discover my own limits.” Larry Ellison Well, the month of February has already begun which means love is supposed to be in air. While couples can feel lovey-dovey but why should…

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I hâte every day lately. 🥲 like I’m never really happy or content. I’m just distracting myself with tasks until I make it to night time & I can go to sleep. I look forward to sleeping more than anything else. Then I wake up in the morning and I’m miserable all over again.