amareaeternumx
|love eternally|
Just a girl with a pen... or keyboard.
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It doesn’t matter how much you wish you could do things differently. It doesn’t matter how much guilt you feel. Neither of things will change the past.
It’s okay to move on, forgive yourself and look to your future instead.
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Theodore Roethke, from "The Dream", The Collected Poems of Theodore Roethke [ID'd]
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“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”
— Paulo Coelho
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“Things I know about healing: Speaking kindly to yourself helps a lot.”
— Rebecca Ray
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“Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert
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...Loading Dock
Sometimes I'm really not ok. Sometimes depression wants to eat me alive. Like it wants to play target practice with my soul. I know grief triggers my trauma brain. I know I can't listen to everything it tells me. I shouldn't listen to everything it tells me.
I'm trying to have a safe circle around me. Trying not to lose myself and everything I worked so hard for.
I wanna heal, I wanna feel, like I'm close to something real... Somewhere I belong plays in my headphones. Chester knew what was up when he wrote that.
People ask me how are you? Fine. Ok. Good. Quickly nod my head and ask them the same question.
Is it a lie if at the moment you made it out of bed? Showed your face at work? Smiled?
Some people I can't even fully open up to just because they just don't get it. They just don't have the tools or understanding to be empathetic. It's never the "right" time to talk about it.
Meanwhile I'm drowning.
Slowly and rapidly at the same time.
Am I a ticking time bomb? Overexaggerating? Can't cope to save my life?
Is it my fault? I can do better? I need to do better.
The water is rising.
Swimming is muscle memory right?
Sometimes I don't want anyone to read this. Sometimes I want to tell someone I can't do this.
Sometimes I'm really not ok.
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Sometimes? Lol
Mary Oliver, from Long Life: Essays And Other Writings originally published in 2004
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Perfect Weakness
I went to a small group at church about depression tonight. It was refreshing to be around other people who love Jesus and struggle with mental health and what this side of heaven feels like. I think we were all grieving different things, yet still found the same understanding in the midst of suffering.
People say Christians are holier-than-thou fools or weirdos who love some invisible masochistic sky-daddy.
Jesus died for the broken. Lost. Hurting.
People who are at the end of themselves.
Sometimes I beat myself up that I'm a Christian, but I don't do a good job of "looking" victorious, having it all together or presenting myself in such a way that shows that believing in Jesus is worth it.
But then I realize that's the only thing I can show that proves that He is worth it.
He's the only One who can take our broken pieces and stitch us back together. He's the only One to carefully cultivate a path which reminds us that not only can we walk and run with Him, but He will carry us when we can't go a step further.
And He will carry us.
Over and over again.
He will hold onto us when we stumble. Pick us up when we fall. Sit with us in the darkness when we couldn't possibly…
Yeah.
I don't have anything to offer.
Nothing worth mentioning.
If I could be even a fraction like Him…
If even an ounce of His light could shine through the cracks and fissures of my existence…
If my relationship with Him could stand the test of time…
He's endgame.
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Healing from this and grieving losses conflate and trigger my PTSD symptoms.
Trauma brain is so weird.
How do you know if you were in an emotional and verbal abusive relationship ?
here’s a good article that may be helpful for you: https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#control-and-shame
but in general
if they make you feel bad/stupid/wrong/crazy
if you feel like you have to justify normal things to them
if you dread seeing them
if you stayed with them/put off ending the relationship because you believed no-one else would be able to love you because you’re such a burden
if they constantly make you feel like YOU’RE the one who did something wrong, like you’re defective, like you’re lesser, like you’re constantly fucking everything up
if they try to control your life (either secretly, by breaking into your phone/laptop/etc, or openly, by always demanding to know where you are, who you’re with, or telling you that you’re not allowed to see those people/do that thing/go that place anymore)
if they make you feel like a child, or someone incapable of making decisions for yourself
if they threaten you (to hurt you, or to hurt themselves, or to leave you) to get what they want
if they make their jealousy your problem (demanding that you spend all your time with them, telling you that they feel like you dont love them because you have friendships with people other than them)
if they ignore your concerns, or refuse to listen to you on subjects that are important to you or your wellbeing
if they act like you have nothing important to say, like your job is less important, like your time is worth less than theirs, like you’re less of a person than they are
then they are probably emotionally abusing you.
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Ask me how hard I laughed at this.
"You're so cute when you're shy"
First of all, I have anxiety
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