Ok I’m tired but also pissed so I have to say this.

Butter Roll cookie is absolutely a himbo. Just because he’s really well versed in one field of work doesn’t mean he’s not an absolute dumbass otherwise. Have you seen the way he talks about getting kidnapped? That guy is a class A himbo. There’s no fighting it. He could tell you every single ingredient used in the process of creating a cookie, and also wholeheartedly believe you if you told him human children come from delivery storks.

And even if it weren’t true devsis themselves said he’s a himbo so-

Steve managed to accidentally crush his headphones over the weekend, so he reluctantly turned to Billy Hargrove for help.

Steve and Billy hadn’t exactly gotten off to the best of starts, considering they beat the crap out of each other within the week. Billy has mellowed out significantly since Neil had left though, so Steve told himself to grow some balls and walked into the general repair shop Billy worked at.

The death metal blasting from the speakers was obnoxious but there was basically nobody there so Steve was able to swallow down the rising panic creeping up his throat. Billy was just some guy. He’d move back to California come the new year and Steve’s life would be exactly the same as it had always been. At least that’s what he told himself.

Billy raised an unimpressed eyebrow at Steve tripping over the step on his way up then stammering his way through an apology. His headphones lay sadly tucked under arm, limp and lifeless.

Actually getting the word autism out was harder than Steve anticipated. Maybe it was because he wasn’t used to telling other people or maybe it was because he found Billy very attractive and he knew what happened whenever anyone he liked found out.

The curl of the lip. The sneer. The asking if he was like mentally five or something.

He managed to stumble his way through explaining that they were his sensory aides and they really helped him not get overwhelmed in public and please don’t punch me again Hargrove.

Billy didn’t punch him, much to Steve’s great surprise. Instead he mumbled something about be right back Harrington and disappeared into the staff only area, only to return with a brand new pair which he thrust into Steve’s hands.

“I get it Harrington. Just take these, you busted yours pretty badly. On the house.”

Steve was pretty sure his brain malfunctioned briefly and then attempted to exit the shop after pushing on a pull door.

Billy had been pretty civil with him. So either it was all some great prank that was about to fall on his head or Steve may have misjudged him just a little.

He didn’t risk reaching out again until a month later when he’d really managed to fuck his oven up and gave himself a five minute mantra about being confident before dming Billy on Instagram asking for help.

A message came back in a minute asking what the fuck he’d managed to do. Steve insisted he had no idea then he just got a short, blunt “on my way princess.”

Billy’s tool box was extensive. As much as Steve would have wished, that wasn’t an innuendo. He just had a lot of kit, probably more than was needed for the actual state of the oven.

They hung out a bit while Billy tinkered, threw out jargon that Steve didn’t understand, then declared it was fixed. Steve resolutely tried not to stare at a peach ass in very tight denim. He may have failed.

A comfortable silence fell afterwards until Steve panicked and asked if he wanted a coffee. It only seemed polite. Billy had been working all afternoon pretty much.

How that ended in them snuggled onto the sofa, Steve couldn’t exactly remember. All he could really register was that Billy’s arms were warm and strong and Steve wished he could just stay there.

Then he snuggled in further and Billy stiffened up. Crap. He’d fucked up somehow.

Steve pulled himself back up into a sitting position, self consciously checking his hair. Billy looked slightly bewildered but more at himself than Steve.

“You…………you alright man? I didn’t push you too far right?”

He got a slow blink in response and being pulled back into a muscular chest. Steve just hoped he wasn’t doing his “simp face”, as Robin had named it.

“Steve”

Ok first name was not a good sign. Prepare for a fist.

“I fucking like you ok? Don’t laugh. I’ve liked you ever since I first set eyes on you, you beautiful oblivious bastard.”

And Steve. Steve had always kind of hated romcoms. They were dumb and clishe and the couples who got together by the end never really made sense.

But looking at Billy’s slightly flushed face and after hearing his confession, Steve thought the romcom route might be the best way to go.

Billy really was a very good kisser.

Hi!!! I just wanted to talk about how Dan and Phil as a brand is so relatable to neurodivergents in the way that they've been treated recently. So DnP built their careers off of being "weird" and "quirky" and socially awkward. That was Their Thing. Dan spoke for years about being violently bullied (quotes such as "being punched in the head by dickheads" stand out as a pre-BIG example of just how violent it got at times), Phil had the Why I Was a Weird Kid series, they both were frequently talked about as being "weird" and "awkward" by other YouTubers - they WERE the "weird" ones of the vlog group. The ones that awkward teens could relate to. Unfortunately, this got the attention of the #imsoquirky crowd who talks like they're experiencing all of these things while also being the same people who would mock me for my autism.

And that's the crowd now saying Dan is too old to be posting catboy photos or saying that the two of them "give the ick now, idk why." And I just can't help but notice how much I relate to that as an autistic and ADHD person. So many times over the years, I've made "friends" who were slightly into my interests, but then got weirded out by how hard I went into them. I think what we're seeing is the same thing happening to Dan and Phil. Drawing cat whiskers on your face to answer questions? Well that's "so cute and quirky"!! (/s). But actually playing as Catboys in JRPGs, dressing up in cat ears, making animal noises (which the two of them always did but ig this group overlooked), etc? Well that's "too far" and "so weird."

I think Dan especially got hit with this because he has more subscribers. When he talks about being bullied, most people can relate to that. But then when he goes and honks a horn in a game repeatedly (which tbh I've done before myself, very ADHD coded of him) or talks about hiding behind vending machines to avoid talking to people, that is suddenly "too annoying/weird" for some of the audience that got into him for his "relatably weird" content.

Sorry this is such a long ramble, but basically Dan and Phil have accidentally become the perfect examples of how kids with autism/ADHD/social pragmatic disorder/nvld/dyspraxia *insert other neurodivergencies that can cause atypical socialization* are treated. People might find your initial "quirkiness" relatable because everyone feels awkward or socially anxious at times, but it's when they see that you are Actually Just Like That and it's not to be #relatable that they turn on you and start saying that you're "too much" and "too weird."

Dan and Phil were the "weird" ones of the British vlog scene, and those of us who tuned into the younows or watched their older videos knew this, but someone who only subbed after watching a meme review or the two of them playing undertale might have assumed that they were the "right" kind of quirky/weird.

This is probably incoherent, but I hope you get what I mean.

this isn't incoherent! just such a well thought out ask i don't have anything to add. there's really specific ways i'm comfortable talking abour dnp + neurodivergence & neurodivergence in general so it's not something i've ever done super in depth posts abt!

i've actually gotten a few really lengthy asks like this over the last few weeks, so this is to you and to my other askers: i really appreciate that folks want to share their ideas with me but sometimes i genuinely don't have enough to contribute in response to add on to what's being said! and that makes it pretty impossible to answer asks like this.

so this is to everyone: feel free to @ me in the replies on your posts! (doing that leaves things cleaner than @ ing in the body of a post, which in my experience means folks are more likely to engage, if that's what you're looking for). especially loop me in about dnp + neurodivergene or dnp + gender!

this isn't a promise i'll rb or even see things, this website's functionality is shit, but like. it's actually way easier for me to see and support than if yall are sending me essay length anons, and this way i + others can find more people who share the same opinions as us! make ur own posts & ppl will follow u i prommy

FAVORITE CALL OF THE NIGHT CHARACTER GO

I KNOW YOU KNOW YOURE OPENING A CAN OF WORMS BUT SURE LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Hatsuka Suzushiro

She is my de facto favorite simply because she is a femboy that can be read as a trans girl. I discovered Call of the Night when reading a bunch of vampire yuri, which was triggered by me reading Shuzo Oshimi's Happiness, where I read the vampire's as a trans allegory (and knowing Oshimi, they probably actually were trans allegories). Since reading Happiness I've just sorta seen vampires as trans, even when the media doesn't necessarily fit that interpretation, and going into Call of the Night to learn they just straight up had a character like this I was just like. God that's so genber.

I also just really love her character design. Hatsuka's normal outfit is dumb as hell but when she gets scenes that focus on her she's just really fun imo. She has this really soft approach to things with Ko, she feels very subdued and wanting to relax, while she also treats all her minions like she's some kind of fucked up dom.

Sadly, she doesn't get a ton of time in the manga, and her past is never explored like the main characters, but that might honestly work to her advantage, less time to potentially become offensive and all that.

Nazuna Nanakusa

Obvi the main characters of a manga are going to have the most characterization. I kinda view Nazuna and Ko as opposite sides of the same autism coin. Ko struggles with socializing, where as Nazuna is a bit more of a natural at it, but both of them have a lot of the same attributes of sorrow and boredom and not really understanding love or emotions. I relate to Nazuna a lot more than Ko simply because I was a fucking party girl, and socializing is actually pretty easy for me. She's just fairly unique, she's cool yet dorky, intelligent yet an idiot. For a series that is relatively cartoony, she feels like a real person even in her cartoon-ness.

She also just has the most ridiculously appealing character design. That fucking hair, those eyes, she has an incredibly recognizable face. You can't mistake her for someone else. She wears that oversized jacket like a fucking cape, that's so genber.......

Also, as the manga goes on and it explores her history and her concerns and her issues with boredom (and ultimately depression) she just becomes a very interesting character. Learning that she essentially had a lesbian lover is shocking, but honestly so lovely. She becomes such a complicated and sad character that you just want to see her win at the end.

Midori Kohakobe

MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS MAIDS

She's got this weird otaku vibe, which is sorta a trope in anime these days, "weird otaku girl that's also cute and popular" and I, like the sucker I am, eat that shit up. Also, she works at a maid cafe and you know I love maids. Her whole spiel about "everyone's weird, you just have to learn to love your brand of weirdness" is such a lovely thing - hence why it's literally at the top of my intro post. Her character design is basically me, I WEAR SHORT SKIRTS AND TIGHTS AND I LIKE MAID OUTFITS YEAHHHHHH. Also, did I mention she likes to dress up as a maid? That's so genber......

Lira Echigo

Lira hasn't appeared in the anime yet, and of the girls listed she has the least screen time, but she's so genber fun. She's this really tall girl who wears the cutest clothes in existence and she essentially forces Ko into dating her. I don't really have a lot to say about her, she's just a really fun character who kinda gets shafted by lack of screen time.

And, of course, Ko.

He's just the other side of that autism coin. I relate to his restlessness, I too am an insomniac who had issues in school because of said insomnia. I like him because he's just such a good kid doing what he can to have fun and to make his life make sense. I like it when he gets to be really really smart, like in the 86th or 87th chapter (I forget what it is) when he figures out Kyouko's plans. I also love it when it shows that he is just a kid. When he upsets Nazuna and he's trying to find her and he just sorta cries into his little walky talky watch about "I've never really had a fight before" while trying not to lose his friendship with her. idk it hits me in the heart.

He's just a great character imo. He feels real. He's sorta a more realistic anchor to the series, a good character to accompany Nazuna's silly shit. And, the fact he becomes a sorta bad ass when he SPOILERS becomes a half vampire. He's jut such an interesting fucker.

AND FUCK KYOUKO, COP CALLING NARC ASS BITCH

so i've seen this theory that is allegedly going to be confirmed in 3.4 Basically it says that al haitham cannot feel any emotions bc he is the sole survivor/successful case of the greyscale elezar experiments run by dottore and it basically lobotomised him so he doesnt feel emotions and thats why he wants to live a quiet life as a scribe. I say a lot of kaveh/al haitham shippers talking about this on twitter as some kind of win bc aww al haitham let kaveh enter his super controlled life ect ect. 1. idk if this is an outlandish theory that has no chance of becoming canon bc i dont really have a good gage for that kind of thing so if im falling for the bait im sorry 2. I can kind of understand it for story reasons as it makes for a compelling relationship between al haitham and dottore and by extension the akademyia for allowing dottore back BUT 3. I feel really sad bc it means all that autistic coding was a concious effort to make the character LITERally unfeeling. It means all those traits I recognised in myself and in him are the result of him missing something, being less, ect. and it kinda hurts. Like obvs i never expected hoyo to come out and make him autistic in canon but it just feels like another autistic coded character that is coded that way because they are missing something fundamentally human. Whether thats an android, alien, puppet ect. Idk you are one of the few people on here ive seen talk about al haitham being autistic coded so i wanted to get your thoughts -@under-wcrlds

ahahahahahha

Yeah. (Genshin talk start at paragraph 4)

I've actually mentioned in a previous post that I don't want Al Haitham to be any kind of inhuman character because he's so humanity autistic. Like in particular, he feels a lot like my brand of autism. Because here is the thing. I'm not academically gifted. But I'm incredible with patterns. I'm very good at seeing the patterns of life and being able to predict on only people's responses but emotional responses without knowing them. And I have the same goals as Al Haitham. I want to live a simple and comfy life. Do no more work than needed, and then do what interests me. I have also turned down big leadership positions because that's not what I want to do.

And guess what. I'm a real fucking person. Yeah, I've been through some shit. But that didn't make me this way, and everyone goes through it at one point or another.

But I've always been like this. Fuck, my mom had me (at a young age) start packing the car on trips because I could just see where everything was supposed to be. I was never one who could express my emotions well. I still struggle with that, and I feel a lot of the time, I come across as a know-it-all? And attention-hogging because I just talk in a sort of weird antidotal way.

This also makes me a good storyteller because I can give a more natural flow of events. So let me country why I don't think this theory is gonna be correct.

in the 3.2 stories. Al Haitham did say he understands and knows the importance of emotions and makes it clear that he's not really the type who is good a motivating people through emotion. Never did he make any reference to not being able to feel them. Fuck I'd argue he'd have to have them to understand what the mad Scholars were feeling to imitate them as well as he did.

Also, there isn't really a reason to re-pick up the elezar plotline, as it has been pretty solidly dealt with. Like it's gone, there's no reason to look more into it. We know what causes it and what cured it. Like if they are to bring Dottore up again, it will be for another story and another experiment. Also, Dottore isn't the type to pick up something again once his interest in it is gone. Heck, look at Scaramouch. Plus, Dottore had Collie. Like that's confirmed. And seemingly, Dottore knew how to keep elezar at bay. So there wouldn't be much reason for him to expand experimentation. Let long a reason to make someone stop feeling emotions.

The TDLR is that there really wouldn't be many benefits for Dottore if this was the case, and that feels outta character. Also, we don't know Al Haitham's timeline, just that he graduated, which apparently is really hard to do and takes a lot of time.

And a point that's just hit me.

LISA WANTS TO LIVE A SIMPLE LIFE. And She's objectively waaaaaay smarter than Al Haitham is. So again, it's not a good reason?

Idk man. I'm a little heated under the collar because I HATE when people try and make an autistic-coded character nonhuman. Because I'm a human.

Hey about your TOH post, I was just wondering; do you think Hunter is an inherently badly written character? Given what you said about him in that post I was just curious.

This is the post, for anyone who needs the context.

To your question, not at all! I do think Hunter is a continuation of a larger pattern within ToH's priorities, but I don't think it's an issue specific to him nor do I think it's fair to single him out.

Owl House Spoilers below:

On one hand, one of the most compelling and frankly terrifying things about Hunter is the abuse from Belos, right? There's a uniquely cruel type of evil it takes to clone a child out of your brother (who you murdered), attempting to mold them into a specific kind of person based on what you projected onto some entirely separate guy, and then repeatedly kill them when they don't meet your expectations.

Hunter is also wolf kid autism and I respect that.

But there's a broader pattern in the Owl House that seeks to portray what is essentially colonial/white supremacist violence perpetuated on the Boiling Isles but also is constantly trying to assure the viewer that the largely white characters who perpetuate it were just being "tricked" or manipulated into it.

So I think Hunter contributes to that, but it's not singular to him nor it is it something inherent to his character. It's more just the broader commentary the show paints.

We're introduced to the Emperor's coven who are basically cops, but unlike most TV cops are far more accurate to actual police. They don't do anything beneficial to society, they aren't there to protect or help people but instead enact violence to silence and remove people who refuse to comply with the Emperor's will, brand people with sigils, or based on the season 1 finale outright kill several people.

Then when the show starts to discuss Lilith unlearning her harmful beliefs at the start of season 2, particularly the fact that she was one of the biggest mouthpieces responsible for propagandizing the Boiling Isles, she's shooed out of the story to make room for other white characters following the same pattern.

Steve was a background joke character and then gets a subplot in one of the later episodes where he decides he doesn't believe in the cop system anymore.

Alador spends most of the series abusing his children and manufactures weapons that further aid said cops only for him to come around at the very end of the series.

Even with the collector, he's obviously manipulated by Belos, but there's also the way he's unintentionally partially responsible for the day of unity.

I feel the intent is likely to illustrate "it's not too late to change" which taken alone is fine. But I also feel it doesn't mesh very well with the portrayal of colonial violence in the series in how it continually tries to assure the viewer that they were just tricked.

There's an obvious and continual commentary on the role of parents and authority figures and the ways they fail children as well as the way institution propped up by the same people shape our lives. That's all a reasonable reading, but I feel it doesn't fully contend with how violent the society is.

The biggest exceptions come in the likes of Odalia, Terra, and Belos to illustrate that not everyone will change. But at the same time, that constant assurance undermines it a bit to me in how a lot of people who support these things are more like Odalia than they're willing to admit.

I can think of more than a few examples of literature, film, and TV series that have the same underlying narrative of portraying racism and white supremacist violence, but also prioritize portraying white innocence and benevolence in a positive light to ease the discomfort in seeing that.

To Kill a Mockingbird, Uncle Tom's Cabin, The Help, The Blind side, and Hidden Figures are a few examples that come to mind. These are all stories very explicitly about racism and even have the similar "Belos/Odalia/Terra" style characters, but they don't exist as a form of critical introspection and are more easy people to watch from a distance.

It's not as big a deal when it's one or two people, but I feel it's more a priorities issue than an individual person who causes it.

and re:Mark i don't really think about him that much (he's Fine but not what my autism latched onto so there's a lack of interest) but i definitely think the narrative is super weird about him in a way that's not really entirely comparable to how it treats Damien (we are clearly supposed to care about Mark and not revile him like we are Damien) but that does a huge disservice to him nonetheless (his narrative purpose is largely as an object meant to be pitied and to serve the goals of other characters and his trauma that DOESN'T have to do with Damien is often downplayed or brushed aside for the sake of the weird apology to institutional psychiatry and related institutions thereof the series has going on). also Sam's relationship with him makes me sick and Joan encouraging it without having even spoken to him or considered the implications it would have given his situation is extremely creepy behavior that i would strike one of my siblings with a chair for if they did with me lol

I understand. I absolutely latched onto Mark as well and most of that is because he's a fucked up bisexual disaster with very interesting, complicated, and nuanced relationships to a lot of the interesting and plot important characters. It's such a shame that not many of those were really explored and given conflict I thought was obvious they would or should have.

A huge portion of the obsession with Mark and Damien for me is just how much their actors packed into their characters and scenes? Especially together?

I've spoken to friends about this before but Mark and Damien are two of the only characters in the series that have serious arguments and fights with each other. They really get into it. They have misunderstandings and they have conflicting points of view that are not easily, if ever, resolved.

A lot of the other conflicts between other characters (hell, even between Mark and other characters) is just... not really given the same kind of weight. The tension isn't as high. They get resolved often on the very same conversation, usually with one character agreeing that another is right actually.

I also think the idea that we're supposed to like him and see him as innocent is a disservice to him as a character... he does some messed up things. Like I adore his particular brand of conflict with Damien a lot, but objectively speaking, telling somebody (especially somebody cluster b) that their entire personality is garbage is fucking vicious.

I wish it was treated more like Mark's brand of anger and less like the objective opinion one should have about Damien.

You're absolutely right that Mark was really just a plot device and object for the other characters, and no attention was ever given to his other trauma... which also, objectively, went on longer (cptsd, baby).

Mark is the damsel in distress to three main characters and they all definitely treat him like the princess in the castle. Except Damien is the only one this is supposed to be seen as bad, while Joan and Sam are supposed to be seen as good. Again... I actually love this set up, but I wish it was done with awareness and intention.

Sam basically falling in love with somebody trapped alone in a dungeon for years and romanticizing the way he related to her in that context was definitely something that should have been a more nuanced take than it was.

Sam kicking her homeless, unemployed boyfriend struggling with alcoholism out of the house to force him to speak to his sister, which he was not ready for, is definitely something that should have been more nuanced than it was.

The thing about Mark in the narrative is that his entire defining character struggle is the struggle for autonomy and he's literally never given that. He remains trapped in cages.

And part of what compells and endears me to his relationship with Damien is that Damien is the only person who ever expressed an acknowledgement of doing something wrong, and a desire to change to accommodate Mark's desire for autonomy.

Joan stayed thinking she was right and knows what's best. Her reaction to Mark coming back emotionally distraught and conflicted about Damien no longer being in his life was so fucked up I thought they should have had a serious fight right there. But Mark's just like. You're right let's eat. (And to be fair, if he got into a fight with her right there, he would not have had a roof over his head that night).

Sam apologized for going behind Mark's back, but never that she has control issues and doesn't actually know how to cohabit with another person (to the degree that it was triggering and seriously fucking with Mark-- imagine causing your loved one to feel like a ghost again but for some reason you just don't care).

... this got long. I'm sorry. I also have a lot to say about Mark. He also deserved better.

for the ask game you rb’d from yourself, joker and futaba?

HEH. GOOD MORNING TOWNSVILLE READY TO HEAR ME TALK ABOUT MY FAVES MY BESTIES AGAIN. idont know when imgonna be posting this it probably wont be morning. but you know

describe their canon relationship/dynamic

futaba sakura & the person who Saved Her…. futaba saved herself but she would not have had the chance to get there without the phantom thieves. because p5 is a little bit about how you need human connection & friendships & the support of others, to keep you going, to get you through difficulties. futaba needed the phantom thieves because she couldnt get out of the terrible mental place she was in on her Own & she treasures their help so much & Especially. Akira. akira, her beloved human meat shield, the guy who does the talking to strangers in target for her, someone she can trust to push her just enough that its good for her and not overwhelming. her Key Item <3 and he is dedicated to helping her out, usually in the form of standing between her & an intimidating person, and helping her achieve her goals, and telling her what a good job she is doing

your ideal/headcanon version of it? how does it differ from how it is in canon & why is this your favorite version? any other alternate versions of it you enjoy?

ok i say “theyre siblings” A LOT about characters. I throw the concept around a bit lightly. With Akira & Futaba my full force is behind it. I mean it the same way i mean it with characters who are actually canonically part of the same family. like they are Speedrunning the traditional sibling experience.

They’re literally the PERFECT annoying older brother & annoying little sister duo. They aren’t actually capable of annoying Each Other, but they try it anyway, and their combo damage when they team up to annoy someone else? Outstanding. You wont sleep for a week knowing these 2 teens could be anywhere waiting to bully and prank you.

They are INSEPARABLE <3 not literally. akira does lots of things without futaba & one of futabas Goals is to have the ability to go outside and do new things and interact with new people Without having akira with her. but like. They bonded & now they cannot conceive of their lives without each other. They will never stop being friends because they are like actual siblings to each other. They’re stuck together for life.

basically the version of them from my mind is like them from canon but if akira wasnt a silent protagonist so he got to do more… they bully each other but they also hype each other up a bunch… they collaborate to tease sojiro and shout about curry… theyre a fambly. and they are the autism creature together. sound of akira teaching futaba Brand New Coping Mechanisms For Existing In The World. theyre so. i love them so much.

what do you like about their relationship, why is it interesting or enjoyable to you?

As some of my other responses have shown I just really like sibling relationships i thimk they’re neat <3 and i like futaba a lot. and i like akira a lot. and i. *starts crying* Family……. they warm my little heart

what about the individual characters involved? what does this relationship mean to them, what makes it unique among their relationships?

again!!! futaba has a lot of trust in the phantom thieves and gratitude to them for helping her when she couldn’t do it on her own and it goes extra for akira bc hes also the perfect person to go to for just like. all the stuff she needs. stand near me at the store so i feel like im not on my own. hold me to the promises i made & things i want to achieve. and futaba hasnt HAD. close friends in person. in quite a while. so this is so IMPORTANT and GOOD for her.

Akira receives: A little sister. no but for real … the sakura family … we dont like. know anything at all abt akiras actually family but no matter what, like, it is so fuckign good for him that he just gets adopted into this family like this. *slams my fist against the table* as is the case with ALL of the phantom thieves because its the whole POINT, at the beginning of the game akira is without a place where he feels like he BELONGS and the phantom thieves become this for each other overall but it hits different with like. this is his Family now. futaba is his sibling now. sojiro is stuck with these kids now. leblanc is . like. His Home. he has that now. he has Them !!!!!!

favorite interaction they have in canon

oh god i dont know umm. futabas whole confidant is good but idont know that it has any Stand Out Sakura Siblings Moments. maybe um. the scene from sojiros confidant where akira steps in front of futaba to protect her. yeah…………….

favorite interaction they have in your head/a situation you want to put them in

they hang out at the sakura house while sojiro is @ leblanc so they can play world is mine and the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny at max volume. they pester sojiro (ongoing). they annoy so many people together (just imagine. akira futaba and sumi ALL teaming up to bully akechi together. he would evaporate) also see: the ongoing concept from my brain that ive talked about multiple times before thats just. i think itd be really funny if they start talking about themselves & each other to strangers as if theyre literal blood related siblings who grew up together and did not meet for the first time in their teens. okaaaay i guess thats all i just want to see them hang out i love them. thank you <3

hey, do you really believe that laziness doesn't exist? wanna talk more about that? :( i'm depressed as **** and i know that, but at the same time i think that there are still many opportunities for me to do things i should be doing and i don't even try, so i can't help but thinking that it isn't just the mental issue, i always think i'm lazy

sorry for the late response, had to think of what to say and couldn't type this up while in bed on my phone lmao

it's a tricky question to answer shortly, because laziness is a term that can mean different things for different people. The short version is basically "not performing a task", which is very very misleading in and of itself because it eliminates the "why?" and it completely ignores context. which is why it's so easy to be used as a manipulation tool, because it doesn't matter if you're busy, it doesn't matter if you're prioritizing something else, it doesn't matter if you're exhausted, it doesn't matter if you don't care, it doesn't matter if you're depressed, it doesn't matter if you're going through something - all that matters is that you aren't or haven't performed a specific task. a task that, usually, someone else told you to do or someone else/society trained you to view as essential. the pressure is external, there's an expectation - or a perceived expectation - from someone else, from society, that we should be doing a certain thing or certain things, and if we can't or won't (no matter the reason) we're branded "lazy." i think we need to start looking at the very overlooked "*why* can't or won't i do this thing?"

laziness if often seen as - regardless of context - the deliberate choice to not perform externally expected tasks. however, in about 100 out of 100 times that i've actually taken the time to look deeper and ask myself "why am i not doing this?" and followed the trail back to my inability to perform the task, i've found that i always came to a similar conclusion of "it's not essential to me" or "i am worn-out and exhausted and need a break." there's always an underlying, unconscious block, stopping me from performing this task. i think to myself, "i *should* do this, i know it's something people do", but that doesn't mean it's actually essential to me and it certainly doesn't mean that i have the energy capable.

i think it's also important to recognize the brand of "laziness" as the manipulative tool that it is. it's always used as a term meant to strike two very strong emotions into its targets: blame and shame. it's used to shame us into doing what someone else thinks we should be doing, and that's incredibly cruel. blame and shame are immensely powerful emotions (you may recognize them as the makers of thoughts like "why am i like this?", and "i ruin everything"), and they very rarely instill motivation in people. so that in and of itself is more than reason enough to, frankly, remove the term "laziness" entirely from our vocabularies, because it is harmful and never does anyone any good.

"laziness" is not a deliberate choice to avoid doing something, it's an unconscious reaction, a blockade, hindering you from doing something because you are exhausted, because you are tired, because you have other priorities, because you have ADHD, because you have autism, because you are depressed. you have no energy left to give.

and that's why i don't think "laziness" exists.

also i recommend reading at least the first part of this article (but more if you want to!): https://www.npr.org/2021/09/24/1039676445/laziness-does-not-exist-devon-price?t=1659626011890

basically he talks about how "laziness" is not an unwillingness to work, but an emotion signaling that we're out of energy (similar to hunger signaling that we're out of food), and i think that's an excellent way of looking at it.

*holds the microphone up to Cookie* For the ask game -Joel

1) How did you get your name?

2) Age?

Late 30s early 40s

3) Height?

Who's to say? Taller than Nate. I don't know if I'm taller than Jay. This is all pretendsies anyway. Might change my mind later.

4) Are you nonhuman?

Nope!

6) Favorite colour?

Orange.

7) What languages can you speak? Does the body know them?

English and basic Spanish. Same for us actually.

8) What's something you consider yourself good at?

At the moment I excel at thinking too much and making myself sad. My biggest flaw is I'm a perfectionist! In five years I hope to see myself still alive.

9) Any foods you'd like to try?

No 🧡 I'm a boxed in bitch. In my comfort zone and thriving. On my autism game. (Chuck says he wants to go to a Margaritaville but I know we wouldn't eat seafood so it'd just be for the ambiance 😒)

10) Do you have a playlist for yourself? What's the most 'you' song on it? How long is the playlist?

Both Award Show and Stress by Jim's Big Ego are very me. I also like the band Cheekface.

11) Are you a subsystem?

No.

12) Coke or pepsi?

Diet Coke.

13) For Fictives: Would you recommend others watch/read/ect your source?

Can't be much worse than the current fans. Go nuts.

14) Do you have an inner world? Anything neat go on there?

We just woke up again after having a system reset so there's not much complexity right now. I have an apartment though. It sucks shit.

15) How does being a system affect you in everyday life?

As a girl it made me mysterious and therefore irresistible to socially inept and emotionally unstable nerds that projected their ideas of what I was onto me. As a man it makes my clothing style difficult to categorize and financially unfeasible.

16) Are you open about it?

I've told a couple people. It feels very important to us, it's a big part of who we are and it hurts to not be seen as ourselves, but when we've told people it hurts more to see the confusion or disinterest. So we don't talk about it usually.

17) Anything you carry with you to help feel more like yourself?

Our main way of expressing ourselves is by dressing as ourselves so clothes.

18) If you could change the body at all, would you? Howso?

I'd want to have my voice but. I don't know about other people. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing anything permanent, knowing I'm just a renter.

19) Does your gender or sexuality differ from your "singletsona" at all?

We're a trans guy, but I'm a cis guy. Honestly a lot of us are cis men so that translates to transitioning to male. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

20) Favorite song in general?

Award Show or Stress.

21) Tell a random fact about yourself

I'm brand new! I just woke up! I'm scared of going away forever! Just alter things!

What is Christianity?

My entire life, I had been raised Christian, and while my family (thankfully) wasn't super restrictive (with me mostly as I'm the youngest) but still had its quirks (I was not allowed to read harry potter until I was 15) and my parents apparently thought I was demon-possessed? But they didn't try to exorcise me with brutally insane and abusive tactics. No, they just took me to church, hoping that the music, people, and scripture would be enough. And thankfully, I wasn't too wild; I just really hated church. Why did I hate church? I'm SO glad you asked! I hated the music; It was too loud. (i went to Free Chapel in Gainesville ga look it up) . I hated being around that many people. I hated being around children I didn't know (context, I was bullied in elementary school). I hated being that uncomfortable, and you bet your ass my parents had to bribe me to get me to go to church some days. I was diagnosed with autism at 17 years old after insisting to my parents that I needed therapy and fighting them on the benefits. I did not have a choice in going to church. So what is Christianity? It is a cultural icon with a long history steeped in martyrdom, Manipulation, corruption, ableism, oppression, fascism, colonialism, racism, the list is endless almost. And I know that a lot of these things are just human fuckery. I know pagan cultures were guilty of much the same thing. Everything you see with modern Christianity is not at all new. But where it becomes inexcusable is when you just ignore or deflect from it. And since Christianity took hold with emperor Constantine, I can tell you it's gotten a lot worse. It was like that when it took hold of Rome. But what appealed to these people psychologically to transition from paganism to Christianity? And what's keeping these people in the modern-day in this hellishly oppressive religion? So modern-day cults are an excellent way to look at it because I can tell you it's the same ALL across the board. Some churches are just a lot subtler and not as insane as what you see with Jonestown. They understand that they can get in serious trouble if they get caught. But they're still preaching damnation in the eternal fires of hell and their interpretations of the rules to stay out of hell. Unless they accept Jesus Christ as their lord and savior. Now I'm still new to the whole historical research of the religion. Still, I've read one book, 'God against the gods' By Jonathan Kirsch, and he brought up the point that pagans at the beginnings of Christianity joined because they were curious. The old gods were boring, and there was this brand new god. And as Christianity took over, hostilities escalated, and martyrdom was very popular for Christianity. But there is a likely chance these people were being coerced into martyrdom, like the Jonestown massacre and so many other modern Christian-centered cults (and that's basically all of them, actually) that forced their members into committing ... bye-bye mode. Preachers especially are excellent due to the societal perception that they are men of god and thus are to be trusted. And I want terrath to have this similar feel with its villains, this feeling that if you don't obey this guy, you will suffer. There is so much more than "It is gods will." The actual breaking down and into the person's mentality that you're trying to coerce. And to do that, you basically need to be trusted. And that is 100% what Christianity is. It is not forgiveness, compassion, or empathy. It has always been the opposite. It has always been this psychological minefield, and it's fascinating as hell. So that's why I've been holding off on writing the books because I've wanted to do my research. I'm still working on the study because there is a lot to unpack. I also want to have a clear idea of where EXACTLY I want to go with the characters, the mythology, and the series itself. I want it to feel more like Arcane and less like Harry Potter (let's be honest, my dudes, it's not that great, and she did NOT do a great job tying up her plots.)

Autistic Kaz Thoughts

TL;DR at the end because this is really long again

So, obviously Kaz is neurodivergent, that comes from the affects of his trauma, but it seems myself and many others have sen a strong basis for Autistic Kaz specifically, and I thought I’d like to explore that.

Some other people have talked about this but I wanted to put in my two cents

Disclaimer: A LOT of things about Kaz’s behavior line up with the effects of his trauma. My response to that is that Kaz can be autistic and traumatized at the same time. Things That Make Sense In Canon (It’s Basically Everything):

Hyperfixation:

- Magic tricks (sitting in front of a mirror for hours practicing and trying to figure them out)

- Staying awake for hours wondering how things work

- He hyperfixates on every single job to hell and back, and he enjoys figuring out every angle

Special Interests:

- Goes hand in hand with above, but magic tricks and sleight of hand are definitely his special interests

- Lock picking might also count, and card games? He seems to like all of it. Robbing...?

- Being a criminal is Kaz’s special interest. Sounds ridiculous but think about it. It helps that it keeps him alive, but he does actively enjoy it

Sensory Issues:

- A lot of this is related to his trauma but again, he can be both autistic and traumatized *shrug*

- Regardless of the Reaper’s Barge, touch aversion could be another trait. Having gloves and clothing that covers can be a good buffer from sensations he dislikes.

- He dislikes crowds/crowded because of the higher probability of touch/the Reaper’s Barge, but you can also tie that back to autism since many many don’t like being in crowds

- He likes silence (talks about sewing people’s mouths shut). He’s used to Barrel noises, but he might not like voices stacked on top of each other. Auditory sensibility is really varied, and sometimes noises are fine/sometimes they’re torture

Behavioral: 

- Again, so much of this is related to his trauma, but REGARDLESS!

- Dramatic af in the books, but both he and Inej say he’s quiet and reserved. Good with words and doesn’t seem to mind talking, but he really only talks about his hyperfixations:

- The exceptions make up almost all of the books, which is why he might come off as talkative, but he’s usually talking about a plan, having solved something/tricked someone (think conversations with Van Eck, Rollins), so of course he wants to talk. The other big exception is when he talks to Inej.

- Kaz is good at reading people, but there’s a lot to disprove that all autsitic people are bad at reading others. Many actually “over-read” and notice a lot/see things others don’t pick up on. Doesn’t make someone more socially competent (just because you know what’s happening doesn’t mean you know what to do about it). I don’t think it disqualifies him from being autistic

- Kaz is incredibly mentally organized, so over-reading people is actually helpful for him.

- With stimming, he’s amuses himself with cards, magic tricks, playing with coins and lock picks. It happens enough times to be a “thing” in the books. Sleight of hand can count as stimming.

Mental Capabilities:

- Autism doesn’t equal genius, but many autistic kids are also prodigies, and with Kaz I think it applies. 

- Autism and really good memory aren’t uncommon, and it tracks with this from Kaz:

- “Once he learned a game, it took him mere hours to master it, and then he simply couldn’t be beaten. He could remember every hand that had been played, each bet that was made. He could keep track of the deal for up to five decks.” 

- He can also do complex mental math, which can also apply to this if you want it to

Other Things That Don’t Technically Mean He’s Autistic But For Some Reason Feel Autistic To Me:

- Autistic people can wear whatever they want, but for whatever reason Kaz’s wardrobe, regardless of mocking Mercher’s, seems like it could be a product of Kaz’s specific brand of autism

- Birds of a feather flock together, all his friends are neurodivergent

- The crow motif. Neurodivergent people seems to really like corvids? Also many have animals that are just “their thing” so yeah, crows

There’s probably other stuff but I’m currently forgetting it all

Exploring This In Fics/Headcanons!:

- People can write Autistic Kaz however they want, but here are my personal thoughts: 

- I noticed I already write young Kaz as autistic-coded, as he usually only touches and talks to Jordie and is very attached to him, is quiet and likes puzzles more than ‘acting’ games, and doesn’t speak a lot but has an advanced vocab.

- Kaz can eat just about anything for survival, but it’s easy to headcanon him as actually only liking a few foods. Some autistic people are picky, and others love food, because people are different. That being said, I’m picky, so I headcanon that Kaz doesn’t really like eating with a few exceptions (things like chocolate, breakfast foods, ice cream, chips, pasta, coffee, because I love those things) and greatly dislikes many other things (I like writing that he doesn’t like carrots?? Idk)

- In Alternate Universe fics that make it hard to justify Kaz’s touch aversion with Jordie’s trauma/more modern AU’s: Autistic Kaz With Touch Sensitivity! It keeps him in character, gives him a reason to wear gloves, and adds neurodivergence without compromising his canon traits.

- His boundaries being ignored or sensory overload could also work to explain why he’s so pissed off all the damn time

- Not a lot changed between Kaz and Inej. Autistic Kaz and Trauma Kaz overlap a lot and can both work in canon, so he can still want to touch Inej like in the books. Many people have exceptions, and Inej (and Jesper, and the other Crows) would make sense as being Kaz’s exceptions. Plus, it adds to Inej’s feeling of safety because Kaz wouldn’t even think to touch her without reason/without asking until they’re a LOT more comfortable. You can still write him as being touch averse to Inej regardless of romantic feelings though.

- I think a reason Kaz isn’t talked about as an autistic possibility very often is because he’s such a badass? The portrayal of autistic people is often that they can’t be leaders, or that they’re soft and a cinnamon roll. People are more likely to make, say, Wylan autistic, and ignore the fact that Kaz has a lot going for this. So, to write Autistic Kaz realistically, what do you have to do? 

- Write him how he is in the books, with all his same habits and thoughts. In a modern AU, you can actively acknowledge it. Tag Autistic Kaz regardless of it being a focus. And in “canon universe” fics, you can still tag him as autistic, and mention how Kaz was like as a child or use introspection

- Autistic Kaz, using his canon character traits, probably won’t read as OOC

ALSO!

Jesper’s definitely ADHD and while I was writing a fic I realized Kaz and Jesper have an ADHD/Austic friendship. It’s true that Jes and Kaz don’t always understand each other, but: 

Kaz actively appreciates and likes Jesper (otherwise he wouldn’t be so hurt by Jesper’s loose tongue), and similarly to being unbothered by Wylan’s disability, I don’t think Kaz would mind Jesper’s quirks.

Since Jesper often fixates in fights, Kaz doesn’t have to worry about interference from Jesper’s brain during a job, and when it’s casual hanging out, I think Kaz just doesn’t care/actively understands where Jesper is coming from.

It’s not too supported by canon other than Kaz internally deciding that one of his best friends is going to be the hyperactive and social Jesper, despite them outwardly seeming so different

And why Jesper would pick reserved, quiet, and oddly prickly Kaz to be his best friend too. They don’t match up but if they just kinda vibe with each other/understand their brains work differently, then you have a very interesting basis for why they’re comfortable with each other.

TL;DR A lot of Kaz’s traits in the books (hyperfixations, special interests, sensory issues, behavior, mental capabilities) can be read as very autistic coded. This helps with rationalizing his behavior in AUs that lack his Jordie backstory while remaining completely in character and can also help characterize Younger Kaz. Additionally, it would not and should not compromise his badassery or competence. He and Jesper are Autsitic/ADHD friends.

how would you go about explaining the concept of being transgender to a child?

Good question! I think the best thing you can do is to be honest with your child. Exactly what you go about explaining after your initial definition differs by situation. I’d always start out with:

“Sometimes when people are born, they feel that the gender they were given when they were a baby doesn’t match up with the gender they know they are. The doctor’s might’ve said someone was a boy/girl, but that person feels that’s not correct.” And since I’m trans myself, I could add, “When I was born, the doctor said I was a girl. But it never felt right to me, because I’d look at other boys and feel more like them. I knew I was one of them.”...And cue perhaps a sea of questions.

Don’t worry about having to explain the ENTIRE subject to them all at one time. Answer only the questions as they come asked if they approach you first. And if you come to a question you yourself don’t know the answer to, don’t try and make something up. Simply say “I don’t know” because you can always find out together! Look for times when they look confused, ask if they need you explain more. But what I’ve found is that generally, after a few questions, a child usually doesn’t often inquire more, at least not for a while.

A lot of adults think that by making the definition sound more appealing to a child (one example I heard of was talking about hormones as being magic potions), but sometimes phrasing things this way can create more confusion. It can put too much distance between the child and the subject. One thing that really began to confuse me on my own trans identity was when people talked ahout being trans like it was on the same level as the stork bringing babies. It made me feel there was something “hush-hush” about being trans, and it made me feel like I too needed to conceal myself.

Parents think “what if I explain this to my child and they start thinking they’re trans, when they’re really not??” A) It’s not bad if a child thinks they’re trans, do not let them think that B) you can’t say if someone is or isn’t trans, you’re not them. Even children can know C) if they try things out and figure out they aren’t trans, no matter when they figure that out, then sure they aren’t trans, it’s fine, but D) if they try things out and figure out they are trans, well you have a trans child! Explaining being trans to someone doesn’t “make them trans”. If that was true, then how come I’m not cis when ALL I was brought up on were cis ways of thinking, or how come I’m not straight when ALL I ever saw on TV or in my life was straight people? Explaining what being trans is gives them tools to help them understand the world around them, and to potentially better understand themselves!

You might get asked how a person knows if they’re trans, and you can say “It’s different for everyone. Some people know by looking at other genders and feeling a very deep knowing that that is how they see themselves. Some people start knowing by what kinds of clothes they like or how they like to be called. Mainly, you can tell mostly by how happy you become when you think of yourself as a different gender.”

You might find yourself saying things like:

“Some people feel they need to change their bodies to feel better in them, but not everyone does, and not everyone can. Sometimes people just like to change clothes, their name, or pronouns! That’s like the he/him, she/her, they/them you hear everyday, but there are more. It’s whatever will make that person feel happier in their body.”

“You don’t have to know right away, it can take a long time. It’s alright to explore too! And you can explore it for as long as you want. If someone finds out they aren’t trans, that’s okay!”

“Sometimes, people think transgender people are all bad because the way the feel about themselves is different from other people, but being trans is not only good thing, it’s a beautiful thing. There are trans people all over the world, and they’ve existed for a very long time!”

Overall, I think there’s a lot of different things to be asked and their responses to fit here, but if there’s something more specific you’d like to know how you might describe, feel free to ask :P sometimes it can be helpful to a child if you look up definitions of words, like explaining what the word cis means or what pronouns are.

Above all, do NOT:

say there are only two genders. Let the child know there are many, even if the world around them tries to say there are two. Try to keep language all-gender inclusive, don’t say “to the opposite gender”, say instead “to a different gender”. Also mention pronouns don’t have to be gender specific. You might say something like, “a person might wear dresses, makeup, and have long hair, but go by ‘they.’” Mention sometimes people will go by all pronouns, only one, or more than one!

say you must medically trasition to be trans. They don’t have to change their body in any way to be trans.

put an emphasis on gender dysphoria (the unhappiness you have about your given gender), if the topic arises. Include it if it comes asked, but tell them what’s more important is gender euphoria (the happiness about being the gender you know you are actually). Priding dysphoria as a hallmark indicator of being trans is harmful to self image and can damage a person’s relationship with how they think about their trans identity.

talk to them like they could never be trans. Parents will end these things with “but you don’t need to know too much, you aren’t trans!” Imagine this child IS trans and doesn’t quite know it yet, or will figure it out later. What sort of impression do you want to leave on this child about it? What tools do you want to provide this child with now so they might better understand themselves later? Create a welcoming space for them to come to you if they ever think they’re trans. Let them grow up with a positive outlook on trans people, not as medical phenomenons, but as human beings just like anyone else

say you can’t know until you’re older. Kids can know now! I might’ve not been able to understand I was trans when I was 7, but I ALWAYS thought I was being perceived as a boy. Later, I learned it was called being transgender. Take your child seriously. Understand your child might not have the language to express themselves yet, so allow them to express themselves in ways they are comfortable with

perpetuate harmful ideas/stereotypes. For instance, autistic trans people know they’re trans, I’m one of them, but recently a Certain Famous Someone In The Media said that autistic trans people are “just confused” on their gender due to their autism. Not only is this incredibly transphobic, but also incredibly offensive to autistic people.

use outdated/transphobic language to talk about trans people. Don’t say “a trans woman is basically a man” or how a non-binary trans person is “basically a girl/boy” because that’s NOT true. A trans person is not some Off-Brand of their gender, I’m not a man 2.0, I’m a man. Don’t say you can tell when people are trans. Don’t say you can only be trans if you “”pass”” (I avoid that word anyways, it made me feel like I was wearing a costume). Additionally, you might look up ways with your child on how you can be aware of transphobia.

If you’re looking up websites or videos with your child that promote these ideas or shares views you think are transphobic, take the time to openly correct them, or switch to another source

It’s better to introduce this concept young before things like school, media, and other people introduce gender roles or the silly x genital must equal x gender idea or get them thinking of the two gender concept, because once those concepts are learned by a child, they can be harder to unlearn as an adult.

This is coming from someone who doesn’t have a child yet, and since I’d be a trans dad, these kinds of concepts would be simply a part of how I’d raise my kid anyway. But if you’re a parent already with kids you would like to introduce this topic too, it can seem daunting if you don’t know much about trans people. This can be as much of a learning experience for them as of can be for you. If you don’t quite know something yourself, you can always say “Let’s look it up!” and sit down with your child and learn about it together. The main idea is freedom: freedom to ask questions, to explore, and to learn.

Deliberately lumping 17 & 18 together this time, because 17 isn’t that big of an entry.

Day 17 - “Accommodations”

So from a *personal* standpoint, I need few or no accommodations, as I’ve learned to make my own & have my own coping skills - when you spend most of your life not even knowing you’re autistic, you’re less likely to ask for something to help you with “your weird hangups”.

But younger auties often DO need accommodations- like being allowed to wear headphones/muffs in school, having a quieter testing environment, smaller classes, and so on. And obviously, the more you struggle with certain aspects (like loud noises or crowds), the more accommodations you’ll need.

I admit I don’t have much experience with the kids who truly need the total SPED environments. *Most* (definitely not all) kids I’ve known have all been capable to a degree of adapting to a NT environment. It’s *exhausting*, but possible *most of the time*. So since I’m a child of “suck it UP!”, I’m unfamiliar with this outside of simple accommodations I asked for, for my youngest, when he was in his earlier HS years - like headphones being allowed, and letting him keep his cell phone on him so he could quietly text with me if he was having a rough day & we could walk through it together. As he’s progressed through high school, he’s needed these accommodations less and less. I’ve noticed as my boys have edged through puberty, they leave more and more of their younger struggles behind them.

Your results may vary, of course.

———————————————

Day 18 - “Someday”

Hm. Boy, that’s ambiguous. Maybe I’ll take this one on from a couple different angles.

Someday I hope NTs understand autism better. Someday I hope each autistic person can be judged on their OWN PERSONAL strengths and weaknesses, like NTs are, instead of lumping us all together and deciding we can or can’t do something, based on the fact we’re autistic. For example, I know *plenty* of autistic musicians who play in bands ranging from death metal & punk rock, to smooth jazz. “But I thought autistic people couldn’t handle loud sounds!!”, you exclaim. Yeah, and some of us can. Also, not all loud sounds are created equal. Or sounds in general. A good example for me is, I occasionally jump and let out a little scream when the toast pops up 🙄, but I don’t flinch at the sound of gunfire - because I love to target shoot (I do not hunt), and it’s something I’m really good at, so I enjoy it thoroughly. (I’m not going to get started on America’s gun violence problem because it enrages me. I can rant about that allllll day & already deleted two paragraphs doing just that. This was just a convenient example.)

I’ve been thinking about this a LOT lately, actually. We have our own hurdles, without NTs adding to them, anyway. But I think about “what if I knew I was autistic, before I joined the Marines? Would I still have been as determined?” YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT...BUT I would have hit a brick wall, because they wouldn’t have let me (if I was honest about it, anyway - I’m telling you right now, if every applicant was 100% honest about their background, almost NO ONE would be accepted). So what happened? Well - I was a damned good Marine, that’s what happened - because I didn’t let *anybody* tell me I couldn’t do something. And as I mentioned before...for certain types of auties, the military is actually a pretty fucking brilliant, comfortable environment that we literally thrive in. Again - we are all different. So this “someday” one is BIG for me. Someday I hope we are judged individually on our merits, someday I hope we are looked at through the lens of what we CAN do, versus what *someone else* thinks we cannot do. I have YET to meet an Autie who doesn’t go “OH YEAH?!” when we’re told we “can’t” do something because of our autism. (We might not always succeed, granted, but we really hate being told we “can’t” do something, based on what YOU think we can and cannot do.)

Someday I hope autism is actually celebrated, instead of thinking it’s some sort of scourge. I hope to see that happen in my lifetime.

Someday I also hope that people (the doctors and psych folks and whatever) realize there’s actually a *considerable* difference between male and female autistics - which is why females are so often diagnosed late in life, because we “don’t fit the profile”. I also hope they realize that some females are more like males, and some males more like females, as far as the expression of our ASD. In other words - back to HOW ABOUT YOU EVALUATE US INDIVIDUALLY, FFS. I hear all this shit about how “autism is a spectrum”, and it just seems like lip service - if you KNOW it’s a spectrum, then why are you still trying to pigeonhole us into the DSM-5 definition or whatever, and operating inside generic parameters?? Auties are the most complex human beings you will ever meet in your life - and I stand FIRMLY by that - so your attempts to shoehorn us into your basic understanding of it is frustrating as FUCK. Infuriating, even. No wonder we fight you so bad when you try it. How would YOU like it if we decided that every middle class blonde woman is a “Karen”, and treated you as such? Or if we decided everyone with brown eyes are slow and we should treat all of you brown eyed people the same, like infants? You’d be like, “what the FUCK?” Yeah. It’s a lot like that.

Someday, I hope more therapists understand the autistic brain better, so they can be more helpful. Sometimes the same advice you’d give a NT patient struggling with an issue (let’s say, the death of a loved one or executive function) just won’t ...WORK...for an Autie. As it stands now, most therapists I’ve known go straight to ABA, and that gets frustrating when you just need to let it all out so you can re-center and actually have a discussion. Speaking of ABA, someday I hope teachers and doctors and therapists understand the resentment and feelings of being “wrong” or “bad” that result from ABA. SOME of it is necessary I think, but mostly, all it does is teach repression & lets us know loud and clear that the way we are is “wrong”. I desperately hope ABA is reevaluated - with the input from ACTUAL AUTISTICS. Using ABA for to overcome a problem like, say, potty training or something, is often seriously necessary. But potty training isn’t part of *who we are*, if that makes sense. Most ABA is basically like putting your Autie kid in a dog training bootcamp, with little to no thought about “what makes that kid tick”. It’s all about training you to act in a way that NTs find acceptable (and I have lots and lots of cuss words about that........) I don’t even train DOGS like some schools or therapists train auties. Dogs aren’t beings to dominate, control, and condition to act in ways I find pleasing (but I’m also not a “general trainer”...I’m on the behavior side of things). They’re sentient beings who deserve to have their personalities discovered, their traumas and their hangups, and THEN we work inside THAT dog’s parameters until we’re solid...*then* we start working on pushing them outside of comfort zones and such. AFTER that trust and understanding has been laid down as a solid foundation, for *that specific dog*, regardless of my experience with past dogs (though I do rely heavily on past experiences of course; knowledge of what did and didn’t work with some other dog similar to the one I have now - that sort of thing - but every dog is a whole new being to me...because, well, they actually *are*). Nothing is “cookie cutter”. Every dog is a brand new exploration. I understand that’s putting a lot of pressure on SPED teachers. I understand they’re baffled when I tell them ABA sucks as a because they see “positive results”. Sure - you see positive results in your ability to repress that child. Positive results in the fact that they’ve now learned to hide themselves from you and others. It seems the current ABA methods don’t necessarily teach any sort of useful skills for actually adapting to the flow of the NT world for that kid - just how to repress who they are, so they fit in. In other words - ABA is successful for the NT world - not us. It actually depresses the shit out of me to think about how teachers and counselors view the rocking and flapping kid they’ve now trained to sit quietly in class feels like their work is successful. You didn’t help that kid - you BROKE them, you broke their spirit, you broke who they are. That makes me so angry. Same when these so called “star trainers” can force or intimidate any dog to performative good behavior. Same as the difference between how native Americans train their horses versus how Anglo Saxons or others did/do. In the native culture, we call it “gentling”. In AS culture *it is LITERALLY called “breaking”*. I’m not kidding - look it up.)

As for my personal “someday”....

Someday I’ll write a book about my adventures & struggles in life and what it was like inside my brain through each one. It’s not that I think I’m anything special, but I’ve been asked to do this, and the reasons were pretty logical. And I do love to write, usually. Or maybe it’ll be a book about how my autism is a HUGE advantage in “my line of work” (the dog thing...being sort of more of a dog/human “guidance counselor” than a trainer - since I hear your voice and feelings, and I also hear your dog’s, I’m less of a trainer and more of a bridge between the two. An interpreter, but also almost like a marriage counselor too LOL). I think that’s my biggest “someday” and the only one worth mentioning, because it’s such a huge goal...most of my other personal “someday” stuff, I eventually kinda go “well fucking why not TODAY, bish?!” and I just...DO it.

But generally, someday I hope it’s understood that no two autistic people are alike - but we share enough commonality that it’s possible to understand we’re basically in a different category of people from “normal”. Someday I hope NTs in general drop their stereotypes and get to know us one on one. Someday I hope people realize and understand that even nonverbals are whole ass human beings, with thoughts and dreams and opinions and a whole complex personality that you missed, because you were too busy judging the fact they can’t speak like you do.

Someday I hope you realize we *enhance* the human experience, we don’t detract from it. Someday I hope you realize we are not BROKEN, we are just different. Someday I wish you’ll stop being so smug and stuck up in your “normally functioning brain”, and stop PITYING us. For fucking what??? Experiencing life in a much more complex and deep way?? Bruh. We pity YOU, too. Your world perception often seems dull and wasteful. Limited. OPEN UP - there’s a whole universe out there that you haven’t even explored. So, someday I hope we can enhance each other’s human experience, like my friends and I do. I’d love to see that on a larger scale.

Someday.

I don't really have anything specific in mind, I'm actually kinda lost as to what to look for jkjsksjk I know I identify with some traits, like sensory issues and difficulty communicating (I do have a diagnosis of social phobia, though I've been thinking maybe autism would better explain other aspects of my life beyond social interaction). I've been reading some articles regarding late discovering of autism and mostly looking for experiences, so I can compare to my own. I feel like I should be looking for something else but I don't really know what? lmao I don't think that was really helpful, anything you can share would be good to me

This is a really long post so I'm going to put it under a read more to not clog up other people's feeds but I think the main areas to cover are:

- verbal communication issues

was your vocabulary/reading ever under/over developed as a child? Having a really advanced vocabulary is just as much a sign of autism as having delayed development in this area. Also, having a very hard to pin down accent, or taking on others' accents Really easily is common amongst autistic people. Do you ever have trouble speaking? I experience selective mutism and when I'm overwhelmed/stressed/upset I often find it hard to speak out loud and have to communicate through messages/notes, though when I'm not mute I'm very eloquent and have always had a vocabulary that was advanced, other kids found it hard to talk to me when I was younger bc they couldn't understand me, but equally comprehension/vocabulary can be delayed/compromised and you might find it hard to understand others because you struggle with that sort of thing yourself. Do you have issues with your tone of voice ever? I find that I can't read my own tone of voice or my volume, some things will come out really bitchy-sounding or angry-sounding and I won't be able to tell, or I might be shouting and not know it because it all sounds the same in my head really.

- sensory issues

do you have issues with certain types of sound? volume? quantity? volume doesn't bother me, but too many different sources of noise will send me into a meltdown so fast. Do you struggle with certain smells, bright lights, tastes, textures of food or of clothing, certain sensations, for example I get really stressed out by having wet skin/hair, and I can't stand the sound/feeling of something rubbing over carpet. I also find some tastes to be overwhelming. Under-sensitivity or processing issues can also be a symptom. Do you ever struggle to process reading/listening to something? I have absolutely awful retention for auditory information, I can't hold more than around 4-5 words in my mind at any one time, and I can't follow auditory instructions at all if there's more than one step, it needs to be written down. I also often struggle to read things because I don't process the words and they just look like meaningless letters on a page to me. I also really struggle to process my own thoughts and order them, I'm able to talk out loud but there are times where I can't write my thoughts without speaking them first because ordering my thoughts while they're still inside my head is very difficult. I also have an under-sensitive sense of smell and taste at times. I can't even smell when meat has gone bad and everyone else I know says it really stinks, and like I can't tell the difference between chicken gravy and onion gravy, for example, because they taste almost identical to me. And senses aren't just the basic five, either. Do you have a particularly high OR low pain threshold? interoception is the perception of bodily functions. Do you have trouble identifying/noticing when you're hungry/thirsty or when you need to go to the toilet e.g. you didn't need to go pee a minute ago but now you're Suddenly absolutely bursting to go because you didn't notice it earlier at all. Proprioception is your perception of your movements, balance and of where your limbs are in relation to your surroundings. Do you bump into things or fall over seemingly nothing a lot? Have you ever been told/noticed you move "strangely"? Do you ever walk sort of on your tiptoes or toes-first rather than heels-first?

- social issues

do you have trouble reading body language? facial expressions? figurative language? tone of voice? not every autistic person will experience all of the above, I know people who can't read body language but can read tone of voice, or can't read figurative language but can read facial expressions, etc. etc. Personally I struggle with tone of voice a lot, I can't tell when people are being serious or not, or whether they're upset or not, tone of voice doesn't really tell me anything about how they're feeling of what they mean. Figurative language varies, I understand metaphors and I often understand sarcasm, although I won't get it if it's too deadpan, and I sometimes miss hyperbole and think people are being serious. I also can't tell whether people are teasing me or genuinely being mean the vast majority of the time. I tend to rely on speech patterns and word choice a lot to understand people, personally. I pick up on what sorts of words they use in what moods and use that largely to inform my interpretations of their current mood based on the words they're choosing. Do you ever struggle understanding what is/isn't socially appropriate? I overshare a lot bc I don't rlly understand what is "too much information" and what isn't, and I also don't understand really how to treat people differently based on their "social role", like I treat someone like a friend regardless of whether they're a stranger, a classmate, a friend, a family member, a colleague, a boss, a teacher, etc.

- need for routine/dislike of sudden/significant change

this isn't always as clear as like needing an entire day to be a routine, it can be little things. I'll give some examples: I have to brush my teeth in a specific way - I count the number of passes of the brush over each section of my teeth, I have to eat a sandwich in a specific order of bites, many food places I will order the same thing every/nearly every time and I will eat that order in the same way, I wash my body/hair in a certain way/order in the shower every time, sometimes I get weirdly obsessed with symmetry and I have to walk in a certain way and if I step "wrong" I have to hop around on one leg until I feel "balanced" again, I have to do my daily tasks on genshin impact in a certain order, etc. etc. I could probably think of more if I tried. I will often get distressed/overwhelmed/upset if any of these "routines" are disrupted somehow. My original method of eating a sandwich applied to when they're cut across into rectangles, so I used to hate eating triangle sandwiches because I couldn't eat them "correctly" until I figured out a similar way to eat triangle sandwiches, and now I Have to eat them in that way because it's "correct" and I'll feel uncomfortable otherwise. Note that this isn't like OCD because it's not anxiety-based, it's based on the fact that it feels like the "correct" way to do it, and that any other way is simply "wrong" and you don't like doing it "wrong". The need for routine and dislike of change might also manifest in needing to plan things ahead days in advance, you also might be like me and be very capable of impulsively doing things like going out if You decide to do it, but if someone Else suggests it, then you need the preparation time. - stimming/special interests

stimming can be honestly anything. I tap my foot, I sing, I have a whole folder names "stim games" on my phone, I type, I eat, I chew gum, I flap my arms, I scratch fabrics, I smell blankets/clothing. Stimming just means self-stimulation and is absolutely any repeated action that you find soothing/cathartic in any way. Under here I'm also going to mention samefoods: foods that you feel comfortable eating even when you don't feel comfortable eating anything else. Like if too much flavour/smell/texture feels overwhelming, most autistic people will have food/s that aren't at all stressful to eat and they can default to at those times. Mine is a specific brand of chicken nuggets, I'll often fall back on those when eating anything else feels overwhelming but I need to eat Something, and I can usually handle those when I can't handle other things.

as for special interests, they are anything that you're kind of obsessed with. You can have multiple, they can change over your life, but your interest tends to go much deeper than that of a neurotypical person's and you feel a need to know everything about it and struggle to hold conversations about other topics because it kind of just takes over your brain. when I was younger some of my special interests were final fantasy, anime, hello kitty, languages/linguistics has always been a special interest of mine, kpop is definitely one, astrology is also for sure one. I fall in and out of being obsessed enough with genshin to call it a special interest. I had a friend in highschool whose special interest was the periodic table, for a while they were obsessed with the 8 times table, and then it became dinosaurs. My little brother is autistic and his special interest has always been video games, he's really interested in retro games, he loves Minecraft and Mario too, when he was younger it was ben 10 for a while, there was also a period where all he wanted to do as a kid was rewatch the cars movies. Media likes to portray special interests as being academic but they can truly be absolutely anything. A desire to know absolutely everything about trains or flowers or kpop is just as much a special interest as neurology or maths or physics or smth like that.

Another thing I've just thought of to be noted, is hygiene:

some autistic people might appear to have borderline OCD tendencies where they can't handle dirt/mess and need everything to be tidy/clean all the time. This is definitely one of the stereotypes. But struggling with hygiene is just as much a symptom of autism. If you struggle to remember to shower/wash hands/brush teeth/do laundry/etc. that could well be an autism symptom. I found out I'm sensitive to mint and especially to toothpaste, it makes my mouth feel like it's burning and like I'll actually cry if it touches my tongue bc it hurts that much lmao. I discovered a toothpaste that's unflavoured and doesn't foam up and now I can brush my teeth without pain but for a long time I struggled with consistently brushing teeth bc of that. I also struggle with showering bc of being stressed out by wet hair/skin. Sometimes it's also a memory thing, and I forget to do these things. I also absolutely suck at keeping my room clean, idk why I just Really Can't lmaoooooo

I'm certain there are things I haven't covered, these are mostly pulling from my own experiences of autism from myself and those around me. All of this might apply to you, it might not, but I hope it makes sense and has given you a good starting point of things to examine within yourself and questions to ask yourself <3 I wish you well bub and please always feel free to ask more questions and/or talk to me more about your experiences <3

A Rant/Essay about Moira and Sigma and how they’ve changed my life

Hi so I am in a very very very good mood right now and I really want to rant about some things I love. 

As my followers may know very well by now, I LOVE Overwatch. Specifically I LOOOVE Moira and Sigma. I less so have a special interest in Overwatch and more so in those specific characters. 

Quick thing for those who don’t know, a special interest is a term used by people under the Autism spectrum to describe a subject or thing they have a very strong personal connection to. 

I have recently discovered I have Aspergers syndrome, a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects the person’s ability to socialize and causes them to have repetitive and restrictive behaviors and/or interests. Basically it’s very similar to Autism but there are some slight differences that differentiate the two that I won’t go into here because it’ll take too long, but you can research them yourself if you want to of course. 

This has been a HUGE discovery for me because I have known I was very different from other people for a long time but I had no idea why. This discovery explains EVERYTHING. I finally understand why I have such a hard time communicating with people and why I have such unusual tendencies (such as becoming hyper-fixated on things I like). This relates to my love of Moira and Sigma. 

In Overwatch, Moira O’Deorain is a brilliant Irish geneticist on the cutting edge of her field. She has made numerous revolutionary advancements in genetic technology and manipulation. She has devoted her life to her work and advancing the Human race as a species. However, she has a very dark side to her achievements. She has achieved her discoveries by disregarding all ethics and morality in her experiments. She has experimented on everything from animals to herself to even other humans. She has performed experiments on herself that have left her permanently disfigured (her right arm). She has performed experiments on people that have permanently changed their bodies in agonizing ways (Reaper). She believes that ethics are holding back scientific advancement and that they are a waste of time. Pretty horrible right? I wouldn’t blame you for calling that evil. However, you can’t say she is absolutely evil. 

Yes what she has done is horrible and she is completely morally bankrupt, but she also does what she does because she wants to help people. She does what she does because it’s for the betterment of the world. And it has made the world better! In the lore, she has made numerous revolutionary advancements in genetic technology! She is an absolute genius who is helping better the world in massive ways! But at the same time, she is hurting other people to get there. That is the epitome of complete moral ambiguity. 

And I LOVE that. 

You can’t say she’s completely good because she hurts people and disregards ethics as a waste of time. But you also can’t say she evil because she has made revolutionary scientific discoveries that could save the lives of millions. 

I love Moira not just because she is a complex character but I also relate to her on numerous levels. 

For one, she is Irish and I have a lot of Irish heritage. I adore my Irish culture and I love how she seems to be passionate about it as well given that she is fluent in Gaelic (our ancient language which is actually dying out) and she has a lot of Irish oriented stuff in the game. She has actually really caused me to get invested in my Irish heritage and learn about my culture. Another thing I relate to is that she has a great appreciation for art and is just generally pretty eccentric. She loves dressing up and cosplaying and art and music and all of these different things that I also love. 

One of the biggest reasons I relate to her though is her lack of ability to understand people’s emotions. I am a very empathetic person but at the same time I have a very hard time connecting to people. I have always had trouble interacting with people and making friends because I don’t understand how people normally communicate. From what I have seen, Moira is like that too. She doesn’t seem to really have any friends (she was sorta friends with Gabriel but that was more of a business friendship) and everyone seems to either hate her or thinks she’s creepy or weird. I headcanon that Moira is high functioning autistic because of her lack of empathy and difficulty understanding people’s emotions. 

Obviously I am not saying autistic people are unempathetic sociopathic mad scientists, far from it actually. People with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) can either be very empathetic or they can lack empathy to varying degrees on both sides. Sometimes they are just as empathetic as everybody else. Everyone under the autism spectrum is completely different. I just think Moira is one of the people who lacks empathy to a very high degree. I think Moira having autism that causes her to lack empathy is a very good explanation for her beliefs and how she behaves, not to mention it’s something I relate to. 

As for Sigma, he’s a different character entirely. 

Siebren de Kuiper (pronounced “Ki-per” with “Ki” as in “kite”) is a brilliant Dutch astrophysicist. He is known for being a very eccentric introvert with a brilliant mind and a deep, fiery passion for his work. He performed an experiment that would’ve revolutionized technology by being able to harness the power of a black hole but it went terribly wrong. The accident left him completely traumatized and his psyche destroyed. This accident also gave him the ability to control gravity but I’m not really gonna talk about that in this because it’s not really necessary. 

Sigma has a lot of anxious tendencies, for example he has numerous voice lines where he becomes anxious or panicked. He says the phrase “hold it together” many times, a phrase he uses to try and comfort himself when he feels panicked. All of these have caused me to headcanon that he has PTSD and/or some other kind of anxiety disorder (although I haven’t decided which one yet). 

I personally have struggled with generalized anxiety and social anxiety for a long time so I find myself relating to his anxiety. Something about seeing this  62 year old absolute GIANT of a man (he’s 8′1″) having anxiety and relating to me in so many ways is really comforting. 

Whenever I am sad or anxious about something, I think of Sigma and I channel my fears through him. I do that a lot actually, not just with anxiety but with other emotions as well. Whenever I am really really happy about something, I think of Sigma and Moira. Whenever I’m depressed, I think about Sigma and Moira. I channel all of my emotions through these characters by acting out scenes in my head, imagining scenarios with them, or drawing them. Sometimes when I’m sad I’ll imagine Moira and Sigma in happy scenarios to cheer myself up. 

These characters, these fictional things from a video game, have had such an important impact on me I can’t even begin to describe it. I connect with these characters so deeply and so personally. 

I found myself connecting to them mostly during quarantine. This was the time when I was the loneliest I had ever been in my life. I was the most stressed and depressed I had ever been. I had lost a close family member and two beloved pets in a very short span of time. On top of this, I had no friends. I was completely downtrodden and lost. Then I decided to start playing Overwatch again, and everything started to change. 

I fell back in love with Moira more than ever and I found a brand new love for Sigma. I felt more connected to these characters than I ever would've because I had pretty much nobody else to connect to. These characters became my strongest coping mechanism and, in a way, my imaginary friends. I channeled all of my anxieties and sadness and grief and loneliness through them. I used them to help me grieve my loved ones. At the same time, I channeled my joy and pride and passions through them. These characters give me comfort when I need it most. That is something so special I can’t even begin to describe it. I love these characters with every single fiber of my heart and soul. They have been my greatest coping mechanism in these extremely tumultuous times. They helped me find actual friends for the first time in years, friends who I have been able to relate to and who love me despite my odd quirks and behaviors.

These fictional characters, these video game models, these lines of code, they have helped me survive my darkest days and enriched my brightest moments. These characters have fundamentally changed my life. 

And I wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

Thank you Overwatch. Even though your fanbase can be one of the most toxic things I have ever seen, you have given me friends and two characters that kept me going when life was trying its hardest to keep me down. You have really shown me the power of fiction and its ability to change lives. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. 

And thank you to whoever is still reading this. Seriously, I can’t believe you actually had the patience to listen to me ramble for so long about something so specific to me. It’s frankly incredible and I have endless respect for you. Your attention span is literally god-like if you were able to read through all this and I wanna thank you for blessing me with your priceless time and attention. It really is amazing.