just had to explain to a guy who i'm pretty sure was hitting on me, that i don't know my own sexuality anymore

so like. this is going to be so rambly and i'm sorry. please skim lol i don't want to put you through all that. but i've been thinking i might be ace or prob gray ace for over two years. and i'm still convincing myself "it just hasn't happened yet you'll start feeling regular attraction someday." and like it's not that i haven't had a sexual awakening yet or whatever lmao i definitelyyy have. i'm an adult and i def experience like a sex drive and think about it lots lol it's just the attraction isn't really there and that's the part that would make me ace, like in theory i know that it's what makes the most sense.

but i think i have experienced genuine attraction ... like twice in my life. and i kept thinking 'when i go to college, i'll feel more attraction, i just don't like anyone at this school.' and i do feel occassional attraction in college now, i do feel it more here. i do regularly think people i walk past are attractive, but it's never anything real. it never lasts or anything. and i'm wondering if this is just how everyone feels, but it doesn't feel that way. i haven't had a legit crush that i didn't force in years. and when i feel this fleeting attraction like it doesn't feel like it could become something real. but i don't know if that experience of attraction is just what everyone feels or not.

like i always thought the thing that made me maybe ace was that i didn't find people hot based on appearnace walking past them. and now that's all i ever kind of feel and i never feel the deeper attraction i would very occassionally feel in the past. so i'm just so confused. and i feel like the amounts of atttraction i do feel would negate my aceness (even though i think i'd go with the label gray ace anyway and that's literally exactly what it's for lmao).

but the thing is like. i feel like i'm having an aspec life experience. like the little attraction i think i do feel doesn't negate the fact that more and more i'm starting to doubt whether i will find someone i am substantially attracted to long term who is also interested in me and so i don't think i will have a typical allo romantic/sexual life. and i don't even know if i would want sexual and/or romantic things if they actually started happening outside of my head.

and i'm wondering if i'm aro spec too. which logically. i know that if i am ace spec i am also aro spec because i don't think the two things are disentangled for me personally. and that scares me a lot and i think i just haven't wanted to admit it to myself. but then i also don't want to be wrong and i don't know what the attraction i do (think i) feel means. and i know almost every aspec person feels like this at least at first and i have to let go of it but i can't.

anyway i just think like. if i've been feeling this same way for over two years and i haven't been "proven wrong" yet. then like why am i still waiting to be "proven wrong." non aspec people usually know they are not aspec, don't they. they usually don't doubt it because the feelings are so obvious. and if i'm sitting here, two years later, still going "well i don't know maybe that WAS attraction." then like. i need to accept it.

but i don't know. i feel like if i am aspec, i'm a really weird aspec person lmao. like i feel way too obsessed with the idea of sex and romance to be aspec. even though logically i know that's very common and it's about real world attraction. and i think that's also why i'm so hesitant. because i don't want it to be true because i want to want all that so badly.

sorry for this being LONG. thank you for reading this, i actually don't know who to talk to about this. it feels so personal and hard to explain.

Yes, generally speaking experiencing attraction the way you do is different than how allo people usually experience it. Allo people generally experience attraction in a sustained way and the feelings are usually quite strong and noticeable even if they're not looking for them.

Aces on the other hand do sometimes experience attraction, but in a way that's fleeting, doesn't last long or feels weak. And you have outlined in this ask a lot of common reasons why people identify as ace and how it's experience based and often it can be based a lot in experiencing things differently than allo people do or are expected to.

I would definitely encourage you at this stage to at least explore asexuality and see if that would be a useful label for you. (Gray-asexuality is good too, but there isn't really a distinct line between the two, you can also use both labels at the same time if you want.)

For a lot of people romantic and sexual feelings/attraction are wrapped up with each other. But if you're not feeling ready to explore aromanticism yet, that's OK. And a lot of people who are both on the ace and aro spectrums will often figure one out then the other. Though of course you can look into both if you want to.

I disagree that these conflicting feelings you're having are something you just have to get over. Instead I'd say it's something that's better to work through. A lot of people have to work to accept being aro, it just takes time, but spending time in aro spaces, looking up aro media, and following aro blogs can all help.

Honestly nothing here is screaming 'not aspec' to me, even obsessing over romance and sex. Some aspec people think about both a lot and do like both in certain ways (but usually have some reason for identifying as ace or aro).

My advice at this stage anon would be just to explore. Follow ace and aro blogs, read up on ace and aro experiences. Check out media with ace and aro characters (there's especially a lot of book lists and podcasts out there with ace and aro characters, and easy to find rec lists, though I can share some too if you're having trouble.)

Places you may find interesting to check out:

Carnival of Aces and Carnival of Aros: These are both monthly blogging events according to a theme, and you can dig through their archives.

Arocalypse: An aro themed forum, they also have a really good faq.

A couple a-spec microlabels you may find interesting or want to look into (it's your choice if you feel like these may fit you or if you want to use them or not):

Caligosexual/caligoromantic: Sexual/romantic attraction that is very weak, vague, or almost nonexistent, like a vapor, fog, or mist.

Aegosexual/aegoromantic: someone who has things they find sexual/romantic, but doesn't want to be a participant themselves. Someone who feels a disconnect between themselves and the subjection of their arousal/romantic feelings.

And don't be afraid to take your time. This is all a lot. If you have more questions or want anything clarified, don't be afraid to send in more asks either.

All the best, Anon! Good luck!

part 3 This sort of relationship volatility is why conciliatory relationships are an important part of troll romance. An auspistice can stabilize particularly turbulent relationships. If the auspistice fails to mediate properly, or has no interest in the role, or perhaps has different romantic intentions him/herself altogether, then the relationship often quickly deteriorates into one of an especially hostile and torrid nature.There are many outside factors and influences tugging and pulling these relationships in different directions, and unlike humans who have very orderly, simple, straightforward romantic relationships without exception, trolls exist in a state of almost perpetual confusion and generally have no idea what the hell is going on. Being confused by troll relationships is one thing we do have in common though. This quadrant presides over MOIRALLEGIENCE, the other conciliatory relationship. A reasonable human translation would be the concept of a soul mate, but in a more platonic sense, and with a more specific social purpose. Trolls are a very angry and violent race. Some are more hot-tempered and dangerous than others, to the extent that if left to their own devices, they would present a serious threat to society, or even to themselves. Such trolls will have an instinctive pale attraction to a more even-tempered troll, who may become their MOIRAIL. The moirail is obliged to pacify the other, to function as the better half. The two partners in a strong pale relationship will serve to balance and complement each other's emotional profiles, and thus allow their other relationships to be more successful. It's often ambiguous especially among young trolls whether a bond formed between an acquaintance is true moirallegence, or the usual variety of platonic involvement. Furthermore, the romantic intentions of a more flushed nature can often be mistaken for paler leanings, much to the frustration of the suitor. But some pale pairings, as the one above, will be strikingly obvious to all who know them. God you just can't get enough of this can you! That would have been a great point for a transition out of this illustrated sociological study, but ok, if you insist. Now see, what's going on here is... It's perfectly simple. When the full matrix of troll romance is in action, we have... uh... Hey, why don't you figure it out! You should be an expert on all this by now anyway. Later our troll hero would try to explain this to our human hero, attempting to convey all the nuance of troll romance through a nearly verbatim recitation of the preceding excerpts. He would try to describe how rich and textured the troll romantic comedies were compared to the one dimensional schlock of our human cinematic counterparts. He would barely scratch the surface of Troll Will Smith's virtuosity with the delicate lattice of troll romance, as he would assist the bumbling fudgeblooded Troll Kevin James through the interwoven minefield-briarpatch of redrom and blackrom entanglements, all the while sifting through his own prickly romantic situation and ultimately learning the true meaning of hate and pity.But would they succeed before the imperial drone came knocking with his thirsty pails at the ready??? Yes, they would. But John didn't understand any of this because he's a moron, and he wouldn't shut up about his awful bullshit Earth movies. He would just go on and on and on about that garbage. But if there was one theme to be hammered through his thick skull, it would be the trolls' cultural preoccupation with romantic destiny. Yes, the romantic landscape is rife with false starts and miscues and infidelities that, red and black. But every troll believes strongly that each quadrant holds one and only one true pairing for them, and it is just a matter of time before the grid is filled with auspicious matchups through the mysterious channels of TROLL SERENDIPITY. In short, their belief is that for each quadrant there exists a pair or triad of trolls somewhere in the cosmos that were... MADE FOR EACH OTHER.

Bcacstuff as usual your responses are clear and concise. Those that cannot see that are whacked. I wonder if you can give me your opinion on this behaviour of S’s. The latergrams, the somewhat cryptic posts, the bizarre influencer type video in Vegas. IN YOUR OPINION, for those in the back, there is no way Bcacstuff knows any of this to be fact so back off. In your opinion, is this just him posting his trip or is this all a game? Is he trying to hide something or is he strategically doing this for some reason? Do the comments he posts along with them mean anything do you think? Just your thoughts. What’s your gut telling you? Innocent or well thought out game? Thanks!

Well, in my opinion 😛, I do think I see he realizes that his extreme shilling, constantly posting of his booze, has become too much and has turned people of from his posts, made them unfollow.

I've posted more then once about his IG statistics. Recently we saw his number of followers in the minus (losing followers) but over a longer time you can clearly see how the engagement rate decreased significantly. About a year ago, his highest rated posts (mostly posts containing close up images of himself, whether or not a photoshoot) easily gained 200k-250k+ and comments around 3k. Posts about his projects gained initially a good number, but the more he posts about the same project, it starts to loose attraction. (see f.i. posts about MiK last year or TFY, SAS RN). OL posts attract more when there is a new season, pictures of JC most. MPC is a more steady (but low) number of about +/- 30k

Compare those numbers to the current ones, with just now and then an occasional spike, you see it doesn't come near. And that's going on for a longer time now. If you look at f.i. the post with his photo from the Nobleman photoshoot (July , it has only 85k likes and 2.5k comments. Even his whisky post with his close up (July 27), only had 43k likes, and 1400 comments.

In other words he's well aware he needs to change something to stay relevant, keep his fans engaged in order to keep up his image of a well in demand actor. (which can also be one of the aspects to be considered for a role).

Lately he had not much other attractive content to post, just lots of the same he already promoted. Now, since he's in the US, he posted 5 posts in a row not related to any project or shilling his merch. He tries to up his numbers in various ways. Taking into account more trendy ways (tiktok and that sort of videos) and perhaps someone told him his shilling isn't helping. He only posted some in his stories, but a lot less than before.

The LV video was posted at the wrong time though, and I'm not sure if he mistakenly removed it, or there was a reason for it (the comments?). It was weird because when he reposted something went wrong and we saw it briefly 6 times). He lost the comments and likes along with that action. His cowboy post already upped the numbers, 117k likes, and 3.5 comments, his Mexican video though gained less. (is the tiktok style not working?). The post with the pictures from Mexico also didn't do that well. His last post is only one day old, though the 50k likes and 1.5k comments is still low (for a post with his closeup pic).

So yeah, sort of a long intro to explain where my opinion is based upon. But I simply think he's trying to stay relevant and keep his image up. IG (or sm in general) is of course not the only aspect in it, and I think there are more aspects to it that we do not have insides of. His comments do not mean that much to me, I don't think they're receipts in anyway. The game is more called, how to keep fans engaged and (new) people interested in me. Though he never plays games well thought out imo.

To add to it, it looks like he's gaining back some followers. Yesterday and today in the + (though this day isn't over yet). The days before he lost a good number so he's not back yet at where he was. The number fluctuates still though.

Venting some frustrations about autism, social contacts in general and dating in particular below the cut, if you want to chat with me about it that'd be welcome X

I loathe to call it trauma because that seems like an incorrect usage of a quite serious term, but there are a few major experiences I carry with me from being a young autist in combination with a target of bullying from ages uuh 7-14, that I keep thinking I've moved past but which time and time again prove their grip on me.

The experience of "I thought everything was fine but it was not and I have no way of knowing whether the fault was mine and if so what I did wrong" I think is fundamentally human. Second guessing yourself and your impact on others is healthy. That said there is a difference where many of my allistic friends can tell themselves (or have others tell them) they are overthinking and most of the time be right whereas in my case, more often than not over the course of my life, that fear was very much founded and for many years I learned the hard way that I should second guess myself more than I thought. The result is that while I have become a much more socially competent person, it is at the expense of never resting in my ability to assess a situation, always being prepared for things (from my perspective) turning on a dime and really struggling with assigning the cause to anything but myself. This itself is not great for portraying yourself as a wonder of charm and charisma.

This time it was someone I matched with on Tinder who I, today, found out had unmatched me. It happens every so often and usually I just bite the disappointment of "this was an attractive and interesting person who for whatever reason decided the effort wasn't worth it" because it's so superficial anyway. I've unmatched people before. Whatever.

And yet.

Me and this person got directly into some shared passions, she complimented me multiple times, we agreed to meet and it was only after I suggested a different date from one she originally had to turn down that she unmatched me. I was a bit antsy because she was very, very slow to reply so I shared some screenshots with a friend to assure me that I wasn't actually crazy and that aside from the slow replies she seemed genuinely interested, looking back at them I feel none the wiser. I don't know. I explain slow replies with social anxiety or work hours or downplaying interest, I know I am not owed an explanation but I so, so wish for the politeness of a "thank you but for personal reasons I will have to decline". Just anything. Whatever. Maybe she got back together with an ex or maybe she never liked me and was just playing along or maybe her aunt died and she just removed herself off of the internet altogether or maybe she found out she knows someone I once hurt or maybe she has personal issues and couldn't handle following through.

I don't need to know. I genuinely don't expect strangers to reveal those kinds of things to me. But there is something about being ignored or left talking to the void that upsets me deeply. It makes me feel like that middle schooler that people were talking about but not to. It makes me feel like an alien, a wild beast in people's clothing, like everyone has noticed something I have not. Like adults switching to a different language when they talk about scary or important things they don't want their children to hear. Like my faults are inherent and not worth addressing because what is there to do about them? Nothing. It is the kind of thing you understand or you don't.

There is no purpose in self love. There is nothing about me inherently unlovable, repulsive, distasteful. I know this. I know my strengths and I acknowledge those and I prove in my friendships and familial and professional relationships their importance and usefulness and power. I am better than no man, and no man is better than I. All of this is true. I observe myself and in spite of bullies and exclusionary norms I see my own self worth, appreciate what and who I am, feel no shame in stating that. I am attractive in ways which are perhaps unremarkable but nonetheless fine and attractive. I have proven time and time again that I am capable of loving as well as of recieving love.

And yet.

[ dating bucky barnes would include: ]

warnings: a somewhat vague sexual outline and a few cusses

///

Him walking around with a notebook everywhere. Bucky got the idea from Steve when he saw him writing new things to his modern day to-do-list, so Bucky decided to do the same except fill his notebook up with his old memories instead; anything he could remember from his life before being The Winter Soldier. At first, there were only a few pages filled but as his life starting to include domestic and mundane-as well as a healthy environment-activities, he started having spontaneous and soon-to-be-frequent flashbacks that, later on, contributed to dozens of notebooks filled with not The Winter Soldier, not Prisoner #56898, not White-Wolf, but James Buchanan Barnes.

You never mentioned the notebook to Bucky nor asked to read it-Bucky was a private person, and you understood and respected that-but you still started carrying a pen with you, just in case he ever needed one.

At first, the notebook(s) was/were filled with solely memories of his past-No matter how insignificant. Whether it was that time the toilet got clogged in his shabby little apartment and had to stay with Steve and Sarah Rogers for a week because he couldn't afford a plumber or that time he lost his shoe in bar brawl and some swanky chrome-dome gave him a few bucks to buy some shoes and a sock without a hole in it. He wrote everything his mind could clearly grasp. But as the two of you got closer, he started filling it with memories he had with/of you because-even if he would never admit it-you made him feel right at home.

You may or may not have stolen his dog tags from the Smithsonian museum just as a reminder that even after all the pain, despair, manipulation, and torture he still managed to be the good person he was all those years ago. He was still James Barnes, local heartthrob that volunteered at the soup kitchen during his free time, that fought a war and lost an arm during the process, that dreamt of flying cars and a future without all fights and wars, that had a soft spot for a certain trouble-attracting boy whose heart was too big for his body.

“Jesus doll, I didn’t know I was dating a thief.” “Oh James, I thought you’d already realized that when I stole your heart from right under your nose.”

Bucky’s not big on talking or directly verbally professing his love, but that’s okay; His eyes tell you everything. There was always something about Bucky’s eyes that were so mesmerizing, so captivating, you could instantly tell how he was feeling. Before you, his eyes resembled a pale arctic blue that were as cold as glaciers-His eyes were hollowed and empty, scratched raw from any emotion but your growing presence thawed them out, they warmed through the cold exterior of what was once The Winter Soldier and reminded you that the hottest fires burn blue.

He does, however, reference quite a few interesting slang choices from the 40′s, which is his own little way of demonstrating verbal affection, ranging from calling you ‘Doll’ & ‘Sweetheart’ to calling you ‘The Cat’s Meow’ & ‘Butter and Egg Fly’

He’s never been very invested in hygiene. It never really was something important for him since he was in the Army and BO was a pretty normal thing, and then he became The Winter Soldier and HYDRA never exactly gave him a bathtub-Not that he was in the right mindset to to care about it anyway-So you usually have to remind him to shower everyday-Not that you mind, it would usually end with the both of you showering together and you having the opportunity to wash his hair yourself.

Soon enough, Bucky gets real invested in hygiene, he starts reading about self-care routines, exfoliating, conditioning, and gets completely hooked. Secretly, he does it because he likes the routine, something mundane and fixed to do to keep him busy.

You’re the only one that gets to call him James. Something about the way you say it warms his heart, he’d focus completely on the way your mouth moves as you say it-It reminded him of the way his mother would say his full name before busting his chops about coming home all dirty but then later ruffling his thick hair and offering a plate of strawberry jam sandwhiches, or how the word was always lurking in the dark corners of his mind like the silhouette of a ghost he couldn’t seem to recognize until you brought it to life.

Him always reaching out for your hand when he feels out-of-place, outside, or honestly just all the time because it helps him feel secure and grounded.

Steve third wheeling the both of you all the time. No seriously, literally all the time. He spends more time in the apartment you and Bucky share more than his own to the point where you and Bucky wonder if he actually has one. 

Steve has a key to your place-Even though, the both of you never gave him a key in the first place-and has a habit of interrupting the both of you or walking in on the worst possible moments.

“Hey guys, what are ya doi-Oh...Sorry I didn't know-Buck, you don't need to throw-Jesus, okay, okay I’m going.”

“Who the hell does it look like I’m doing, Steve.”

Bucky being very insecure about his arm, he even refuses to touch you with that arm-Subconsciously, he’s afraid he’ll accidentally hurt you. At first, he only ever wears long-sleeved shirts and a glove even on the hottest days as if he’d somehow forget that there was a metallic limb under all the cotton, but slowly like molasses he starts accepting it. He starts wearing open finger gloves, then discarding the gloves, then wearing 3-quarter sleeves, then short-sleeved shirts, then sleeveless shirts, then finally feeling comfortable enough to take off his shirt in front of you which leads to a night filled with discarded clothing, the sounds of soft murmurs and reassurances, the rolling of each other’s names off each other tongues like a prayer, and the rustling of the blanket against the delicate movement of your intertwined bodies skin-on-skin, skin-on-metal as the both of you unravel thread by thread in each other’s arms.

Truth is, you love his metal arm, you love the way it’s cool against your warm cheek on hot summer nights, you love the splashes of light that kiss it every morning making it sparkle, you love the soft and soothing whirring noises it lets out breaking the silence in your room, you love it because it’s a part of him and God knows how much you love everything about this man.

Despite being the assassin that killed JFK, managed to get away with it, and mind boggle conspiracists for decades he’s a bit clumsy. He has a habit of accidentally breaking things and later on, not telling you about it.

"James Buchanan Barnes, I thought I developed super strength-and even asked Stark to do some tests on me, but apparently you just happened to forget to mention and explain why the fuck doors are falling off their hinges!"

Losing sleep with Bucky. He tends to have very frequent and graphic nightmares which leads to various panic attacks and the inability to sleep, and you're more than happy to stay up with him and comfort him. Sometimes you’d talk while he listened and watched the way your lips moved or the way the pony tail you had gone to bed with loosened and hundreds of strands escaped the grasp of the hair band or the way a yawn would escape your lips and your hand would momentarily rise to cover your mouth but get lazy halfway, other times you’d lay in each other’s arms in complete silence while you traced patterns on his chest and trail kisses across his skin.

You being his anchor. You holding him tightly and assuring him that he’s okay, that you're here, that you're real, that he’s out, that he’s safe, and many other tender 3-worded sentences uttered over and over again like a mantra until he’s murmuring them back into your chest. 

Sometimes, when he has really bad nightmares and panic attacks you grab his notebook and start reading the memories out loud while you lay his head on your lap and run your hand through his hair in a calming manner until he calms down. It soon becomes a regular thing where you read him a memory before he goes to bed like a bedtime story.

Bucky Barnes is a man who was tortured and tormented for years, a man whose life was ripped right from his very arms along with his very own arm, a man who has gone through a long and unforgettable journey where he has learned to cope, grow, accept, and embrace himself and now he’s made it his mission to encourage and help others to do the same, whether they're struggling with their sexuality, amputation, mental illness, gender, or general self-acceptance.

You educated him about women’s rights because things are a lot different then in the 1940s; women are no longer obligated to get married, cater to a man’s every whim, have children, and other traditional gender roles. At first, Bucky’s very confused and doesn't understand why feminism is so important-I mean, lets face it, Bucky was raised in a traditional society and was later on manipulated to being a bloodthirsty assassin and now suddenly, he can think on his own and his life has turned completely upside down from thinking his own thoughts without HYDRA around to thinking past social constructs and norms so its normal for him to be a bit weary. However, you're there to explain thoroughly about how unjust society still is and how women may have won a few battles but still have a war to fight in a society where they are hyper-sexualized, mistreated, and controlled, and Bucky immediately thinks of Peggy Carter and how the men used to catcall her, how they raked her body with inappropriate stares, how she was ignored and seen as a pretty face, and then he finally understands. 

Dozens of articles about mysterious beatings of assaulters around New York.

His metal arm is decorated with dozens of pins, magnets, and stickers of all the movements he supports. Oh man, you should see him during Women’s marches and Pride fairs, considering all the black he usually wears seeing him dressed in bright colors or a pink shirt that says ‘On Wednesdays, we destroy the patriarchy’. It’s a sight that truly belongs in the history books.

Bucky breaking hold of the toxic masculinity he was subjected to in the 1940s and advocating for men to be able to display their God-given emotions freely, to not feel obligated to put on a tough guy front, to telling boys its okay to cry, to feel, to act, to wear, and to be whomever they please to be. 

Bucky visiting youth centers and giving advice and support to the kids there. Every kid he meets reminds him of Steve, whether its in their stubbornness, taste for trouble, lostness, or the glimmer of potential he sees in every single one of them. He remembers every single name of the teenager he meets and later on, uses them as a mantra whenever he’s undergoing a panic or anxiety attack as well as use SHIELD’s equipment to check up on them every once in a while.

Bucky going to children’s hospitals every week to cheer up the little kids there. He ends up being quite the inspiration and their ‘Favorite Superhero’ for the kids with amputations there and they end up being one of the very few people who are allowed to touch his metal arm. Something about the way their eyes shine with hope and their hands melt at the feeling of the metal warms his heart and his insecurities.

HELLO.

I just wanted to say that I love, love, love your tags on that character/tool post a lot! Some of my favorite shows/books involve characters that can't keep it together and just barely make it to the end of the story or make it there in an "inconvenient way" and tbh I find that usually the narratives that follow these characters don't really work away from them either--the narrative is just usually more questioning instead of fully formed.

Like, 'what if/how would', y'know? There's less of a clear meaning and more just 'what if they hadn't done that. what if they had done that. what if all that meant nothing. what if that struggle was all there was'.

But oh boy, when they DO work away from the narrative. *chefs kiss*

I mean, most of my favorite Bleach characters are narrative nightmares who either hinder or cut off lines of theme in the story entirely. And, in general, I think there are A LOT of characters in shonen--a genre known for very long narratives that can't possibly complete every thought but also can't just abandon all those characters introduced ESPECIALLY the fan favorites or personal favorites--work in the way you described.

Tbh i think your tags really highlight why so many ppl get drawn to these characters/why they're so fun to play with in fanfiction.

If you have more to add or more thoughts about this you want to lay down I am here, eagerly awaiting and ready to pick them up.

Also, who do you think in Bleach is the most fun characters who sort of drop kicked the story, in your opinion? Who's the one you like the most? And who's the one you dislike the most?

[For posterity the referenced post is this one.]

Aww, thank you! That’s really lovely to hear. I was anxious about even putting it in tags because I don’t think I presently have the capacity to explain it well—and even if I did might still sound bananas to many. Or at least the bit about negotiating with characters and how *they* feel about being subjects in stories. Because as much as that really is my practice saying it out loud takes me back to like… FFN in 2003 where every store was prefaced by extensive chat-form back-and-forths between the fic author and their character "musies" and that is not something I think fandom would benefit from bringing back in force, hahaha. But anyway.

Here’s the part where I disappoint because I don’t think I actually know Bleach well enough to speak to it in this context. WHICH SOUNDS DUMB EVEN AS I TYPE IT BECAUSE LOL WTF IS THE NAME OF THIS BLOG WE ARE CHARLATANS AND POSERS FOR CLAIMING AS OUR NAMESAKE NOT ONE BLEACH BUT THREE BLEACHES but truly, my experience of Bleach has a shallow depth of field. I feel like I have weirdly intimate knowledge of some severe rabbit holes but a non-existent to uneasy sense of the gestalt.

Like idek man, in my "slow re-read where I am actually paying attention" Ichigo hasn’t even met Byakuya and Renji yet. ToT

I'm gonna put this behind a cut because it spidered all over the place, but in summary:

characters and their capacity to produce narrative failure

the charm of longform serialized series and their invitations to imagine stuff

me attempting to talk about Hitsugaya and feeling a fool, as usual

I guess in general terms, I’m really interested in characters and their capacity to produce narrative failure. Not failure as in 'bad' but failure as in things that break form or are circuitous or are actively detrimental to a narrative arc. All my strongest examples of what I’m thinking of are from a different fandom and therefore not relevant to this blog, alas. By comparison I think anyone in Bleach can keep it together better than the characters that are immediately coming to mind, lol. But I think this idea dovetails often with trauma narratives, or depression narratives, because these things are often… non-narrative? Like, there’s no fourth or fifth for minor fall or major lift. Sometimes it’s the same thing over and over again, or maybe nothing. Maybe it’s the exact same self-sabotage narrative dictates could have been avoided. Maybe it’s some act that emanates forth but cannot be explained because it cannot be explained and will never be explained. That’s a version of what I’m talking about, in any case, though not the only version.

Your note about longform shounen definitely resonates with me, too. In my mind I don’t like long things and I prefer series that are more self-contained but whenever I have ever landed in a long-term fandom, with a piece of media I felt obliged to carve out chunks of my life for, and to interact with at that level of creative fannishness, it’s always been something stupid long and serialized by the seat of its pants. I know plot holes or dropped threads bother a lot of people (makes total sense, don’t get me wrong) but I find these things incredibly attractive. I see them as invitations to join in the fun. Especially when it’s so much a part of the form and genre to have this, as you said, lack of real expectation that every thread will be followed to its conclusion (or that it would be worthwhile to do so) and every thought completed.

There’s this piece by David Grann that was published in The New Yorker in 2004 that I really love that speaks to part of this idea, albeit in terms of fictional universes versus fictional characters. But Grann is talking about Sherlock Holmes (Doyle original) and the ways that Sherlockians would like, approach apparent lapses in narrative and then solve them according to the established rules of the universe. I just love that. There’s also the line, "Never had so much been written by so many for so few," which LOL if that ain’t fandom I don’t know what is!!

I feel like I’m actually talking about three distinct but related facets of these thoughts in this post, except all at once and without clear transition, uhhhhh.

Gah, I am broken and now can ONLY think of examples from my not-Bleach fandom, but to try a different tack and add yet another facet to this already funhouse-mirror post, my various attempts to write Hitsugaya often feel like they come up against a version of this. I think Hitsugaya has aggressive side character energy, and I find it difficult to make him the center of a story and have it feel right to me. He feels different to me than writing other minor characters, where they can be the center of their own stories even if their story is not the main story. Like, two of my fave characters in my other fandom have literally like… three lines in 350+ episodes and it feels easier to imagine THEM at the center of their story and I think what it comes down to is that Hitsugaya probably prefers what he not be written. And when he does become more narrative I think he’d prefer that none of it was happening in the fist place. But at the same time he always seems to be…around??? whether there is really a good reason for him to be present or not. XD So while, say, he and Bartleby "would prefer not to" (because THAT'S what this post needs, a Melville reference), Bartleby actually opts out and Hitsugaya out here volunteering.

He also often feels non-narrative to me because he feels very declarative, if that makes sense? Like, the coming-to-decisions or coming-to-realizations parts of existence happen pretty quick, or are approached perfunctorily. I feel like I find narrative in the "coming" part of that equation and instead Hitsugaya will be like, well, I’ve already done that part without you, and/or plan to do that part in the future and it will still be without you, the audience. Anyway, here’s the determination I’ve made, here’s what I’m going to do, and here begins the long and probably tedious process of my doing that thing (off 2 go train in a cave for a bit). I don’t think he actually believes the world is that simple, Tab A into Slot B, but I do think he’s already made that assessment and can see coming to terms with that as a horizon, if that makes sense. So even if he doesn’t know the answer to something, or is completely at a loss of what to do (what to say to Hinamori? how to productively address the number Aizen’s done on him) there’s still not necessarily a story there. Maybe the answer is you grind, and it is repetitive and boring. Maybe you just hold things. There’s not even the act of learning how to hold things, necessarily, just the practice of doing so.

Wow, that probably doesn’t sound good! I feel like I need to suffix this with the assurance that Hitsugaya is my absolute runaway character in the whole series and this was true 15 years ago and it is still true now (truer, even) and everything I just said are reasons why I love him.

Hey there. I have kind of a personal question of you don't mind me asking. How did you know you were aromantic? Im pretty young (18 this may). I think I'm aro, but I'm not sure. I have very little interest in a romantic relationship at all, and out of the times I've been on a date, or been asked out, it's made me super uncomfortable. Thanks so much!!

Firstly, let me just say I understand where you’re coming from. It’s really, really hard to quantify something that may or may not exist. You are not alone in your struggle to figure things out.

Now, on to your question... my timeline is a little murky because my memory is shit. I figured out I was asexual first, then I figured out I was childfree, and then I figured out I was aromantic. This all happened in my early to late twenties (it was definitely an interesting few years). I have never had any interest in dating. When I was in high school, I never had crushes. I never dated. No one ever flirted with me (that I’m aware of). But honestly, I chalked a lot of this up to be a fat, unattractive bitch who was obsessed with anime, didn’t sleep enough, and hated the world in general.

Spoiler: exactly none of those things have changed!

Anyway, as the years went by, I realized that something was up. That’s right about when I stumbled across the term asexual. It immediately made sense to me. But obviously that didn’t explain the whole story, since many asexual people still date and fall in love. I believe it was tumblr that first introduced me to the concept of aromanticism. It clicked immediately and just made a lot of sense to me. Accepting that I was asexual was easy. Accepting that I was aromantic was harder, because it meant that - for me, at least - I would never have a partner. I believe I’ve somewhat come to terms with that now.

Being uncomfortable when someone asks you out could happen for a variety of reasons and doesn’t necessarily mean you’re aromantic. It could just be that you’re not that interested in dating! And similarly, plenty of aromantic people have partners and enjoy dating. So being interested in a romantic relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you’re aromantic.

The only real “quantifier” is whether or not you experience romantic attraction. Do you get crushes? Do you fall in love? If the answer is no, then you may be aromantic. If the answer is that you’re not sure, then good news!

You get to decide what label you want to use for yourself. You may decide that you’re aromantic, or grey-aromantic, lithromantic, or WTFromantic/Quoiromantic. No one can tell you that you’re not allowed to use a label. It’s 100% your decision.

And remember, sexuality can be fluid or static. Some people change and others won’t. It’s okay to pick a label today and then decide that next week or next month or five years down the road, that label no longer fits you. There are no label police. You don’t have to pick a label at all if you don’t want to! They’re there for you to use if you need/want them.

Hey I'm anon because I don't have an anon, long story, but anyway, I've been thinking that I may be asexual because I don't really like sex. But I guess I'm not sure. I'm in a very committed relationship with an amazing girl. I also am female. I worry that letting her know I'm asexual will make her think I'm not attracted to her. She suffers from low self-esteem and often thinks she isn't beautiful or sexy when I don't want to have sex but I love her so much (too long)

anon i’m gonna say this first before i say anything else but. i am not dating anyone and i have never dated anyone, so while you’re free to take my advice, you may want to seek a second opinion bc i can’t promise it’s completely solid

uhh. for you not being sure whether or not you’re asexual. asexuality isn’t really not wanting to have sex—that’s low sex drive—asexuality is not feeling sexual attraction. i don’t have either, and it’s common for ace people to not have either. if you want i more clear definition of the difference, check blogs like @fuckyeahasexual to have the difference explained, bc it’s 1am here and i cannot for the life of me recall the difference rn. (i’ve never felt either bear with me)

but as for your relationship, i think you should just... tell her? tell her everything you just told me. tell her that you find her attractive, but sex just doesn’t interest you in general. it has nothing to do with her, you’d feel that way no matter who you were dating. tell her she’s beautiful, and if you feel so inclined tell her in detail things you like about her, or smth. tell her all that you said about her being amazing, about wanting to spend your lives together, and tell her that you don’t know that you want to have sex.

i’m sex repulsed, too, and how and when to tell my future partner that sex is off the table for me is something i’ve wondered for a long time. however i do know that you must tell her, because you must communicate for any healthy relationship. tell her your love her and she’s gorgeous and your ability to feel attraction has nothing to do with how wonderful she is, that’s just you. tell her that you want to make things work with your feelings. open and honest communication is important, and you won’t be able to spend the rest of your life with her jf you don’t tell her eventually. be honest and be kind and be ready to talk.

and i believe in you, i’m rooting for you two!

i also advise... read other asexuality advice places bc, again, i’ve never dated anyone, so you can maybe try and find exactly how to explain what you’re feeling and how it’s not her fault. i dunno.

you don’t have to explain everything today. for example you could talk about asexuality and try to be sure she understands it before you tell her you’re asexual? but you do need to tell her eventually.

and... i’m sorry if it doesn’t work out, because it might not. even if you’re open and honest and you tell her how much you love her and she’s understanding... different sex drives can make people unhappy in a relationship, and unfortunately i can’t change that reality. but if you both love each other and want to make it work, i think you should at least try.

....this is rambling but it’s fuckin. 1am here. i’m gonna stop here. i wish you luck and i hope you both find happiness. good luck

So when you say you ship obianidala, do you mean, like, obi-wan and padme have feelings for each other and padme has a relationship with both obi-wan and anakin? I just really don't like obikin because the power dynamic is really messed up. Obi-wan raised Anakin. And sure, they started working together more as equals, but obi-wan is still an authority figure in anakin's life. He still calls him master in rots. Obi-wan called Anakin his brother, but he's still a much older brother who raised him.

Soooooo my answer turned out to be really, really long, talking about what works for me in the various subdynamics of the OT3 here XD.

Uh, short answer: when I say I ship something, I don’t necessarily mean all the time in every timeline it is the best of all possible worlds? There are definitely ships I can only ship in certain AU contexts (example: in ATLA, I can only ship Zutara in an AU that diverges from canon no later than Crossroads of Destiny). Also, I very, very rarely ship OT3s in general (example: I am one of the like two people in the Leverage fandom that doesn’t ship the OT3). But Obianidala is one of the few OT3s that works for me at all, whether as a full triad or as a vee of some kind.

Anyway, in terms of the three possible romantic sub-pairings (Anidala, Obikin, Obidala), the only one I ship by itself is Anidala. And, honestly, I actually ship them as a pair more than I ship Obianidala, for the most part (though, like, ideally Obi-Wan is always part of their life/dynamic/etc., just not necessarily as a romantic partner for either of them?). This has a lot to do with my personal history with these characters and their relationships and various broad shipping culture things. Especially in terms of the Obikin arm of the triad–I’ve gone back and forth on it a lot as a SW/prequels fan. In part for the power dynamic issues you mentioned, and in part because of personal Feelings I have about the way platonic love tends to be treated as something Lesser Than romantic love, and the two of them (or the way people shipped them, or something about this dynamic) used to hit that button for me really, really hard. But at this point, I like/can work with any of the potential OT3 variants where the Anidala arm is present (i.e., full triad, Anakin-centered vee, Padme-centered vee).

[This is all, of course, assuming canon/a near-canon AU—I don’t really write/am not super interested in Total AUs like modern day/coffee shop/whatever so I can’t really comment on those. And a canon-divergent AU with a significant/early enough breakpoint changes the potentially hinky dynamics and therefore at least some of my feelings/opinions on the subject. On a purely personality basis, though (i.e., in a not-necessarily-near-canon AU, or with the right post-ROTS AU setup), yes, I ship them in any of the three permutations mentioned above. As I mentioned before, they’re one of like two OT3s I ship at all.]

All right, this is already super long and I have like at least 1k words worth of more detail (about the triad as a whole, about Obikin, about Obidala). So we’re going behind a cut. For the purposes of this discussion, I’m classifying ‘near-canon AU’ [henceforth abbreviated as NCAU] as one where no significant plot changes up to AOTC have occurred (i.e., Anakin still grows up in the Temple as Obi-Wan’s apprentice and Padme’s life during those ten years follows much the same trajectory).

So, to start, for the Obidala arm—this one’s hard for me to make it actually work without being part of some form of triad in canon/NCAU, mostly because of the way Anakin fits in with each of the others individually (regardless of whether his dynamic with Obi-Wan is romantic or platonic). Also, we don’t really see the two of them interact much in canon without Anakin being either there or the conversation somehow being about Anakin (which is one of the things I wish we’d gotten more of in TCW…). That being said, I do find their (potential) dynamic very, very compelling? They both…hmmm, I’m trying to figure out how to word this. They have a lot in common, in terms of worldview, interests, how they approach complex problems (though Padme tends to be very “fight me” and Obi-Wan tends to be more “…well that escalated quickly time to jump off a building”)—and they both really, really love to argue/debate in a way that would make the parts where they do disagree a lot of fun for them. Or something? I’m not articulating this well (again, in part due to the lack of canon foundation, also I haven’t explored this arm as much as I feel like I should; certainly not to the point where I could explain why I like it), but…they just work together, you know?

Anyway, apart from their separate relationships with Anakin making it hard for them to be an exclusive romantic couple [at least in canon or an NCAU], the main problem with this pairing, for me, is getting the relationship started. Like, don’t get me wrong—Padme jumps off that cliff in AOTC just as hard as Anakin does; she’s just as attracted to him as he is to her; the only reason she doesn’t make the first move is because she has like 2% more impulse control (and 100% more mental stability) than he does and I will fight anyone who says otherwise/attempts to push that ‘he accidentally mind-controlled her into loving him’ headcanon in my face. …which is another discussion for another day, sorry). And, I mean, I am of the firm opinion that she had THE BIGGEST CRUSH on Obi-Wan for a while, and if they’d reconnected slightly differently somewhere along the way…but that would not be an NCAU. But even given her probable crush and her hopeless romanticism and her less-than-perfect impulse control, it would play out very differently with Obi-Wan than with Anakin.

For starters, he’s not the type to make the first move or any kind of declaration/confession the way Anakin does in canon (or so I assume based on the way things Satine play out). And he’s a lot more reserved and better/clearer about boundaries (as discussed elsewhere re: the full triad dynamic), so she wouldn’t necessarily do it either (even given the lack of impulse control) without major external forces pushing the issue. Basically, it would take a mutual near-death experience or something to make it happen [or, alternatively, a situation like with Satine only Padme actually would ask him to stay at the end of that year–but, again, that would probably not be an NCAU]. But once they get past that first stumbling block, they would be the power couple to end all power couples. Like IDK if I can articulate it, just. Damn. I mean, I don’t think they would actually conquer the galaxy, but only because neither of them really wants to. Because they absolutely could.

[Incidentally, I don’t actually feel a mutual near-death experience (like in canon with the arena) would have been necessary in the end for Anidala to happen, because they’re both extremely stubborn/passionate people, extremely into one another (fight me), they’ve at least acknowledged this/floated the idea of being together, and neither of them is good at impulse control; it would just be a different (and probably healthier) way/pace for their relationship to develop. Also, ALL OF THE MUTUAL PINING until something finally gave. Like, I can’t write it because courtship narratives aren’t really in my wheelhouse but I would read the HELL out of a fic like that.]

Anyway, clearly, a Padme-centered vee works for me ^_^. I think it would still take a mutual near-death experience, and I think Anakin would have to be there when it happened (because of his issues with jealousy etc.; I mean that subplot in ROTS was stupid and I’m very glad it got cut, but he is clingy and possessive and insecure, especially when it comes to these two. If he was there from the start, though, I think he would very much be Shipper On Deck. Possibly to the point of actively shoving them at one another with all the subtlety of a brick [b/c then he can keep them BOTH]. And this is a Happy Endings type post, so we’re gonna go with that).

Moving on; for the Obikin arm (and also sort of blending into the idea of an Anakin-centered vee or full triad)–basically, the way I view it is this: Anakin has two soulmates (and a parasite, but this particular discussion is not about Palpatine and how he fits into things). Whether these relationships are platonic (because I do absolutely believe in platonic soulmates) or romantic depends on a lot of different factors. Generally speaking, in a near-canon timeline, I tend to go with Anakin and Obi-Wan’s relationship is platonic, and his relationship with Padme is romantic; mostly because of the power dynamic issue you mentioned. And, because of that (as well as because Anidala was p. much my first OTP ever, to the point where before I really knew fanfic was a Thing I wrote a really, really terrible serial-numbers-filed-off story that was basically Padme turning up at Yavin), it is really, really difficult for me to be sold on Obikin by itself, so to speak. It’s not a hard no for me, the way shipping Obi-Wan with Qui-Gon is, but it’s not really my thing.

That being said, romantic Obikin can work for me, assuming they reach some kind of new equilibrium post-ROTS (either without Anakin becoming Vader, or potentially some form of Sith!Obi-Wan AU, though I’m less interested in that without it being an Empress Amidala AU as well and then we’re back to an OT3 of some form). I wouldn’t write it pre- or mid-ROTS, though I don’t necessarily mind reading it, at least from certain authors. But basically, either via an Epiphany Moment or (more likely) a slow maturation process, these two (especially Anakin) need to get to a point where the power dynamic issue is softened for it to work for me. I think they can get to that point, and their relationship can shift in that direction (which I think is part of why Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan is a hard no for me, because I don’t think the two of them ever could). Anyway, the only NCAU [that I’ve talked about here, at least] I’d really do even post-ROTS Obikin (whether as an Anakin-focal vee or full-triad Obianidala) is Distaff, and that depends a lot on which way Obi-Wan’s plotline goes after the shit hits the fan (and even the option that could very well lead there might not). So that’s not a 100% thing right now, just a maybe. It’s not going to be a thing in Precipice. (I ship Obi-Wan with someone else in that AU, anyway.)

In addition to all of that, for an Anakin-centered vee or a true triad—I’m not sure I can articulate it properly, but there was a meta post/thread I was following a few days ago that I’m not sure I can find again that went into details about this—anyway, the dynamics involved with the three of them actually work really well? If I can dig up the link I’ll add it, but this thread basically boiled down to: Anakin and Obi-Wan (leaving aside the potential power dynamic issue) have major issues with communication; and Anakin and Padme have major issues with boundaries. Putting the three of them together helps mitigate that to a significant degree. Plus, y’know, I adore Anakin, really I do, but he is a lot to handle for one person/a single primary relationship, even one who loves him as much as Padme and/or Obi-Wan, so having both of them involved (and everyone communicating properly/laying down appropriate boundaries) really helps take some of that pressure off the two of them (and Anakin, but in a different way). (Related note: part of why Anakin is (relatively) stable in Precipice is because he has an increasingly wide set of close relationships/support system.)

Also, whether both relationships are romantic or not, Anakin really needs both Padme and Obi-Wan in his life in some way. So, like, for me personally, the ideal pipe-dream post-ROTS happy ending involves the three of them running off into the sunset together (so to speak; I think they would all get hopelessly bored trying to retire and that part would last all of five minutes), and exactly who is romantically and/or sexually (as opposed to platonically) involved with who (beyond, as I said, romantic Anidala being very close to my heart/important to me) matters a little less at that point. (That aspect, I think, is probably related to this whole ‘romantic love is not greater than platonic love’ button I have.)

Buuuuuut that’s all in canon/NCAUs. Like I said before, once we set an earlier/more significant breakpoint, it’s a different story. I am specifically aiming for (probably) a true triad Obianidala (though it might end up being a vee) in Auxiliaries, (not sure if the notes on last night’s update may have sparked your question?) but that AU breaks off much earlier, as of TPM, and Anakin doesn’t actually end up in the Temple to be raised by Obi-Wan, so that issue isn’t there. At which point it’s…like, okay, I’ll be honest, I used to have issues with Obikin not necessarily because of the power dynamic, but because it hit my aforementioned ‘platonic love is JUST AS VALID/IMPORTANT/POWERFUL as romantic love’ button pretty hard. Right now, though, my view on the subject has sort of settled as–the two of them are so tangled up with each other (again, soulmates of some flavor) that I don’t particularly care about romantic vs. platonic where they’re concerned for that particular reason. Past a certain point of character/relationship development, anyway, as mentioned above.

So, in an AU like Auxiliaries (where Anakin grows up on Tatooine, meets Obi-Wan once briefly in his early teens, and then they reconnect early in the Clone Wars when they’re both adults), it would probably take a lot of effort to make their relationship not become romantic and/or sexual at some point. (Related note that I don’t think I’ve mentioned before: Anakin tends to read, to me, as very demi and biromantic; that probably contributes to some of my views here). And, you know, the OT3 in that AU might well start with Obi-Wan and Padme sort of dancing around one another in some way, whether they’ve had their requisite Mutual Near Death Experience yet or not, and then Anakin meshes with both of them and things just sort of go from there, though I haven’t made up my mind on that yet.

(Also, an AU where Anakin didn’t end up in the Temple but TPM otherwise went as in canon, he’d probably grow up on Naboo and, despite still being largely an Anidala shipper at heart, the romantic-vs-platonic dynamic between these two relationships would do a total 180 for me. I probably wouldn’t actually write an AU like that for a number of reasons, but…anyway. Figured it bore mentioning.)

…so that was a 2k+ ramble about PT OT3 dynamics, lol. Most of this will probably never actually make it to the foreground of anything I write, tbh. Because whatever I feel about these character dynamics aside…the fact is most of what I write tends to not be shipping fic, precisely. As in, (like I mentioned before) I don’t really like writing courtship narratives/stories where the romantic pairing and their relationship is The Plot. Distaff is really the closest I come to it. Which is not to say that these romantic and/or platonic relationships aren’t super important, just…it’s probably never going to be a real focus for me. Well, portions of Auxiliaries will, for spoilery reasons, and I might to a Valentine’s Day bonus fic or something, but other than that.

I have no idea if I actually answered your question XD Uh, feel free to follow up? Or give me your thoughts, or ask me something unrelated…