watching a turkish drama now and its just the right touch of fucking insane

Sunflower and White Rose | Bakugou Katsuki x Reader Part 1

Fantasy AU

Genre: Drama

Masterlist

Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

WC: 2.4k

The northern tribe of the dragon riders had a tradition. Every year, the tribe holds a fire festival, also known as the coming-of-age festival, to celebrate those step foot into adulthood. All the 16 year olds will gather around the bon fire to dance with their partners. It is said that lovers who dance together will be blessed by the fire god, and their love will last for all their lifetimes to come.

Bakugou Katsuki was prince of the tribe, and the bravest, most skilled dragon rider of their generation. He is the dream man of almost all the young ladies in the tribe. This year, he was to come of age. The young fifteen and fourteen year olds cried to their parents, asking why they weren’t born a year or two earlier.

Little did they know the young prince already had his eyes on someone. You.

You were quite the black sheep of the tribe. The tribe was full of dragon shapeshifters and riders. Your people were known for bravery and freedom. Children were taught at a young age how to soar through the sky, whether it be on their own wings, or riding a winged one. You, on the other hand, were terrified of heights.

You were often made fun of by your peers. Even Bakugou himself had once made fun of you for being a coward when the two of you were just children.

However, you had the kindest soul the world has to offer. Even though you were the laughingstock of your generation, you never got mad or embarrassed. You simply smiled and treated everyone with respect. You weren’t jealous of those who soared the sky. Instead you focused on the wonders the earth had to offer.

Because you were neither a rider nor a shapeshifter, you made good friends with Midoriya Izuku, the young outsider who lived a few miles outside the tribe. He and his mother had moved here when he was very little. Although the tribe had a reputation for being savages and fearful of outsiders, the dragon tribe was actually very welcoming. Bakugou’s mother made friends with Midoriya’s mother almost immediately, and Midoriya was raised alongside of the youngsters of the tribe. However, because Bakugou often made fun of Midoriya for being scrawny and weak, Midoriya had few friends in the village. Midoriya’s mother was a healer, so Midoriya too, studied medicine.

You were always fascinated by herbs and flowers, so you often went to Midoriya’s house to learn from them. When you weren’t at their house, you often laid in the flowerbed, enjoying the scent of nature.

How Bakugou fell for you was an accident, literally. He and Kirishima, his dragon, were soaring through the skies, practicing the new tricks they’ve learned, and that was when the accident happened. Bakugou lost balance, and accidentally steered Kirishima into a large boulder on the top of the mountain, and the two fell right onto the flowerbed you were laying on. Thousands of flowers were crushed under the large red dragon, petals and pollen scattered into the sky and then falling down like rain.

You stood in the sea of flowers, wide eyed. The prince had fallen. The best rider of the tribe had fallen. You quickly rushed over to the fallen prince and his dragon. Kirishima was protected by his strong and sturdy scales, so he only ended up with scratch wounds and maybe a concussion. Bakugou, on the other hand, broke his left arm.

When Bakugou saw you his eyes widened with horror as his face turned into a deep shade of crimson. Someone had saw him fall out of the sky. Of all people to see him embarrass himself, it was you, the loser of the tribe. “Don’t you fucking dare tell anyone about this! Or else I’ll kill you!” he threatened you.

“O-Okay!” You nodded timidly. “B-But your arm is broken. It needs to get treated immediately or-”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! I DON’T NEED HELP FROM A FUCKING FAILURE!” He slapped your hand away.

“Katsuki that’s not very nice. She’s just trying to help!” Kirishima said when he transformed back into his human form. Despite his insults, you didn’t hesitate to help him and Kirishima to a small cave far away from the village, where they can rest and heal in peace. Normally, when dragons or riders get injured, they’d call a shaman to do a few chants, and let the gods heal their wound. Herbs and medicine are foreign practices that were not used in the tribe, so when you brought the medicine you had made for the prince and his dragon, he refused to let you put it on him.

Kirishima, on the other hand, was very open to these foreign stuff. He let you put your homemade creams on his scrape wounds to stop the bleeding. “Oh man this feels so good! Katsuki you gotta try it!”

After a lot of persuading, Bakugou finally let you put some medicine on his scrape wounds. The cream stung at first, but after the stinging sensation was over, it left a cool feeling on his skin that soothed the pain. Bakugou couldn’t help but notice how the wounds healed much faster with the strange green plant juice you put on him than the chants of the shaman. Eventually, he let you wrap his arm to a stick, which you said will help his arm heal.

You tore the cloth to your dress, shortening it to barely over your butt. You gently raised his broken left arm, placed two straight logs to either side of his arm, and wrapped the cloth around them. Only then did Bakugou finally take a closer look at you for the first time in his entire life. For a failure, you were breathtakingly beautiful. Your (e/c) orbs seemed to sparkle under the moonlight, and from your (h/c) hair, he could smell a faint scent of flowers.

Every day you’d come back with food, water, and medicine. While Kirishima’s wounds were healed a long time ago, he waited with Bakugou for his arm to recover. Before Bakugou knew it, he began looking forward to seeing you everyday.

You almost always had cuts and bruises on you somewhere. Bakugou knew exactly how you got those. Ever since you were a kid you were always bullied by the other children in the village. You and Midoriya were always the targets of their rock throwing and sharp shooting practices. Although Bakugou never bothered to join in, he used to always scoff at your miserable state. Now, seeing those dark purple patches over your skin, he could only feel his blood boil. “Who did it?” he’d ask, but you would only show him that annoyingly goofy smile of yours, telling him that you fell, when you clearly didn’t.

He didn’t know why he felt a strange disappointment inside him when you told him he was fully healed. “You can go back now,” you said.

“Alright! Now we can go flying again!” Kirishima cheered.

Bakugou stared at his left arm, now good as new. Your medicine worked miracles. He couldn’t even find a single scar on his body. You left before he could tell you ‘thank you.’ Just like that, he and Kirishima went back to the village. The moment they arrived, they were surrounded by their friends and family, asking them where they’ve been the past few weeks. It was then that he realized he never once thanked you for saving him and keeping his secret.

Since then he’s had his eyes on you. Every time he spotted you in the crowd his eyes would follow wherever you went. Whenever he went flying with Kirishima, they’d always fly over the same flowerbed to see if you were there.

Kirishima quickly caught onto the feelings of the young prince. Whenever they saw you at the flowerbed, Kirishima would lie that he’s tired and needs a rest. He’d land at the flowerbed just so Bakugou could be with you. However, despite Kirishima’s efforts, Bakugou never seem to know what to say to you. He’d try to ask what you were up to, but the words that came out of his mouth were, “Hey coward, here sniffing flowers again?”

You’d always give him the same goofy, and slightly timid smile with your signature, “Ehehe” chuckle. Kirishima would nudge Bakugou and tell him to go talk to you, but Bakugou just sat there watching you pick herbs, refusing to utter another word to you because he knew nothing good will ever come out of his mouth.

He always sees you bringing home injured little animals: birds, squirrels, rabbits, fawns. Instead of eating them like what the other people in your tribe would do, you treated their wounds and released them back into the wild. You were just so weird, weirder than that outsider Midoriya. But for some reason Bakugou can’t get his mind off of you.

Finally, it was the awaited day before the fire festival. On this day, all the sixteen year olds of the tribe will be participating in the flower exchange event. Flower exchange is the special event held the day before the fire festival for the new adults to find partners. It is also the traditional day where the young adults declare their love for one another. Of course, it is common for some people who don’t have a love interest in mind to partner up as friends, and for some people to wait for their younger significant other to turn sixteen before choosing a partner. However, for most sixteen year olds, this is the most important day of their life.

Bakugou had already planned everything out in his head. He’s going to ask you to be his partner. He practiced day and night so that he won’t accidentally call you harsh names. He swore that this would be the one day where he won’t say anything mean to you. He’ll tell you how he feels, and ask you to be his partner, his lover, the one who would forever be with him for their many lifetimes to come.

He had your favorite flower in his hand, a ghost of a smile on his face. He had watched you pick flowers for months. He had noticed how your eyes would always soften, and your lips would always curve upward when you saw this particular flower. The white rose.

Everyone else were holding such vibrant colors in their hand, red being the most common. Red roses, red salvia, tulips, violets, peonies, buttercups, you name it. He had always wondered why you were so obsessed with this plain looking flower. Your taste in flower was just as unique as your fear of heights.

Flower exchange was held at the center of the village. Every year the entire village would come to watch the youngsters exchange flowers. It can easily be deemed the most important event of the year. A swarm of girls and boys ran up to Bakugou, asking to exchange flowers with him. “FUCK OFF EXTRAS!” Bakugou growled at them as he violently searched for your silhouette in the crowd. Weird… He knew for a fact you turned sixteen this year. Heck he even saw the shitty Deku, who was invited by Mitsuki to join the tradition. He held a sunflower in his hand, and stood at the corner looking almost uncomfortable to be there. His face was a dark shade of crimson, and his legs trembled.

“Pfft! Sunflower? Who brings a sunflower to flower exchange?” Bakugou could hear a few people laugh at the young green haired teenager, and he just scoffed in agreement.

Kirishima had exchanged flowers with his childhood friend, Ashido Mina. You were still nowhere to be found.

Soon, most of the new adults were already partnered up, clearing the area. “Prince, will you be my partner?” girls kept swarming around him, and he had to push past them to find the familiar (h/c) silhouette.

That was when he saw you.

He expected you to stand there awkwardly. He expected you to be without a partner.

He didn’t expect you to show up without a flower.

You stood there kicking the pebble by your feet, a hint of sadness in the depth of your eyes. “(Y/N)-chan where’s your flower?” Mitsuki asked.

“Ehehe~” you smiled at the wife of the chief and scratched the back of your head almost guiltily. “I forgot about that.”

“Bet she knows that no one’s going to partner with her, so she just didn’t bring one,” someone laughed.

The smile never left your face, but Bakugou had a strong urge to punch them in the face. What was he going to do now? Exchange of flower symbolizes exchange of love. Did you not bring any flower because you had no love to give? Or was it true that you just forgot?

Whatever. None of that matters. He was going to give his flower to you no matter what. “(Y-”

“(Y/N)-chan. If you don’t have a flower, I’ll give you mine!” Midoriya stepped in front of you and held out his sunflower to you, pink dusting over his freckled cheeks. Bakugou froze, wide eyed.

“Izuku what about you? Aren’t you going to exchange flowers with someone?” you asked your friend.

“Well, it’s not like someone is going to partner with an outsider like me for something as important as the fire festival. This is such an important tradition to your culture, you should take it,” Midoriya placed the sunflower in your hand. “In fact I was….actually going to give it to you in the first place….”

“Psh! Outsider and loser, how fitting.”

Mitsuki shot a glare at whoever uttered those words.

You just smiled at Midoriya, and asked, “Then you wanna be partners for the fire festival?”

The white rose fell from Bakugou’s hand. At that moment it was as if the sky came crashing down on him, weighing over his shoulders, pinning him to the ground. He was the prince, the next king of the dragon tribe, yet the only person he has ever loved, asked someone else to be her partner. The people around them dove to the ground fighting for the rose that fell. Almost in an instant, the poor flower was torn to shreds, just like his heart.

He ran.

He could only run. He had to get away before he puked on site. Why…? Why? Why?! WHY?!! Why the shitty Deku?!

The necklaces clattered, and the cape on his back fluttered with the wind. His teeth were clenched and his sharp nails dug into his palm. He was furious at you, furious at Deku, but most of all he was furious at himself. Why didn’t he go up to you before Deku? Why did he run away without even attempting to ask you. He always called you a coward, but he was the true coward.

PART 2 | PART 3 |  PART 4

Also on AO3! A kudos would be greatly appreciated!

A Zhang Of Redness ~ Yin Zhen x Reader

Warning: The first part has some angst to fluff, yet, if you’re brave enough to read the “Sad Ending”, then I warn you, I cried at least 6 times reading it, and 5 times at night, thinking about how to write it properly, all while listening to sad flute and zither ancient Chinese songs. I may need help.

Also, I forgot to explain, in case people don’t know:

Meimei - Term for younger sister. Jiejie - Term for older sister. Niangniang - Term for someone above in title, like an Empress or a Noble Consort. Changzai -  First-Class Female Attendant, called ‘Present’, and was the 2nd lowest title in the harem. Daying -  Second-Class Female Attendant, called ‘Promise’, lowest title in the harem. Hua Fei - It can vary as a title, but it refers to an Imperial Noble Consort. A Zhang of Redness - One of the 5 punishments from Qing Dynasty : Beating someone over the back, butt or the back of their legs with a some sort of bamboo or wooden bat/cane/rod until the tendons/muscles/bones were crushed, there was lots of blood, and the person either died or became paralysed from waist down.

Also, I got inspiration from watching the Chinese Period Drama ‘Empresses in the Palace/Legend of Zhen Huan’ that focuses on the Harem during the reign of Emperor Yongzheng, aka Yin Zhen, the 4th Prince, and Duke Guo is the 17th Prince, his brother, very young, and very close to him

“Now, Y/N, you and your sisters are of age, so you must go serve the Emperor. It will bring our family the greatest honour should you be selected as a concubine for the Emperor and bring a Prince into this world.” the father put his hands on Y/N’s shoulders, making her look at him with a blank expression, masking her disdain and disgust with excellence. “We are honoured to serve and serve our family and His Majesty, the Emperor.” she bowed gracefully, speaking with an adult maturity that many would envy. “Very well. Take care of your sisters. The Palace is a cruel place, but you, above all, must prevail and bring your sisters up with you.” were the last words her father spoke before sending off his three daughters into the carriage, ready to go with the ‘reaping’, as the eldest would call it.

Unlike her younger siblings, she prayed not to be accepted, since it would be the worst thing that could happen to her and she’d rather die than have to live in eternal imprisonment, having an old man touch her body and impregnate her, despite him being the Emperor himself.

When the three of them arrived at the Palace, and she saw the swarm of girls dressed the same, with the same accessories and hairstyles, she almost felt like puking, although she couldn’t blame them, since that’s how this lame fashion dictates.

She was the only one standing out, much like a sore thumb, completely different, both in appearance and clothing, which made her anxious and nervous, knowing very well how she will be the target of bullying, and in turn, deflect it to her unfortunate sisters as well.

Y/N was the only woman with vibrant red hair and green eyes like the evergreen forest, for her father is an Imperial merchant, and her mother was a foreigner, the most beautiful being alive, that could even compare to the Gods, and yet, the very same Gods she worshipped were cruel to her, as when she gave birth to the twins, she perished, leaving her husband heartbroken and alone to take care of his three daughters.

She didn’t wear any headpiece, nor had any intricate hairstyles, preferring to keep the upper part of her hair in a beautiful rose bun, while the lower part was let loose to cascade past her shoulders, down to her waist, like a fire waterfall. She didn’t use heavy make up, only choosing to highlight her eyes and bring out the shrewdness and brilliance in them. She didn’t wear any jewellery, save for some beautiful pink flowers carefully placed in her hair. She didn’t wear heels, for she was taller than most petite girls, and didn’t want to stand out more than she already did, and of course, she didn’t need them to highlight her grace and dignity. And, most of all, she didn’t wear the traditional clothes that every girl did, instead, worse a long, flowy dress, green, with flowers of a darker, more vibrant green - A dress that suit her like she was the embodiment of Spring, and her slender silhouette was shown off beautifully - Because, after all, this was the dress her mother sew specifically for her in the period while she was pregnant.

When the time finally came for her to present herself in front of the Emperor and the Empress Dowager, the six women walked in a straight line, in front of the Imperials...Only to see a little surprise.

Seven of his sons were there to attend, for one of them were to one day become Emperor, and they must know how things must be done.

“You...You are Y/N, I see. When your father mentioned you were beautiful, just like your mother, I couldn’t believe there could be someone even greater than Diaochan or Yang Guifei.” the Emperor chuckled, looking down at her. “Your Majesty, pardon my rudeness, yet truly, you must jest. My face does not put flowers to shame, nor does it embarrass Mother Moon herself. Likewise, I would say I that...That there are other women in history that would fit me better, should you truly wish to compare me.” she could feel the intrigued, burning gazes of everyone, and it took everything she had not to visibly gulp or show any kind of emotion. “Raise, child, and look at me. Who would you think I should compare you to?” the Emperor so gracefully talked, with the same dignity that any Imperial must have, yet now, it seemed to be warmer. “Tan Yunxian.” she spoke bluntly, her green eyes not wavering as she held eye contact with the Emperor. “Tan Yunxian...You are a bold one to speak like that. You are a sharp woman, intelligence is obviously sparkling in your eyes, you know what you want from life, and you choose to be branded a witch by practicing the medical arts that only men do and risk death, instead of aiming for a peaceful and resourceful life as a wealthy concubine and bring honour to your father. Why is that?” he asked once again, which made her bow, but not look away from him. “Most people tell the gender of a rabbit by its movement: The male runs quickly, while the female often keeps her eyes shut. But when the two rabbits run side by side, Can you really discern whether I am a he or a she? That is my reply to your question, and I would beg you to forgive my rudeness by speaking so directly, but this was never the life that fit me. The only arts that suit me are the exact ones - Healing, Calculus, Atrology, Physics, Alchemy...My sisters are much better at the arts of the heart, but I prefer to make a difference on this world. Too many women preferred to let themselves die because of scrutiny - A woman should rather starve to death than lose her chastity - they said, yet, for me, life is a sacred gift and should be treasured above all. There are no female physicians in the palace, Your Majesty, and males cannot fully comprehend the pains of a woman, nor can they properly treat one. With your grace, should you choose not to kill me, I would very much like to serve the Emperor with the way fate dictated my strengths.” she spoke without any hint of fear in her heart, already waiting for her death penalty to be told, and yet, the Emperor chuckled and looked to his right, sharing a look with one of his sons, the one dressed in vibrant gold, the one whose eyes resembled his the most. “My son, I see you are interested in this one as well. Tell me, what would you do, should you meet someone as peculiar as this one?” the Emperor asked, letting him have the final say in it. “She quotes the Ballad of Mulan so boldly, as if she herself is Mulan. Do you remember, Father, that in some stories, when Mulan was forced to join the Harem, she chose to commit suicide? I see this one none the wiser. With the proper training, she could prove to save more lives than most of those useless physicians could, I would say. She has enough fire and ambition...But What if she wavers in front of dangers?” the 4th Prince asked, almost rhetorically, only for his older brother, the 3rd Prince, to chime in. “Let’s see, then.” he shrugged, motioning for an eunuch to step forward. “Should you be able to keep looking into my eyes for the whole trial, your position as a physician will be locked.” the 4th Prince mused, his dark eyes peering into her jade like ones, and it seemed almost as if they were in a trance, and nothing around them existed anymore.

The little eunuch threw water at her feet, yet she nonchalantly stepped over it with no second thought. They made loud noises behind her, or close to her ear, yet her only interest was the beautiful dark shade of the Prince’s eyes. The test continued on, until the Prince walked forward and drew his sword, putting the tip under her chin, raising it. The silence created tension for everyone, causing her sisters to gasp and hold tightly onto each other from fear, while some labourers were confused and panicked at the sight before them, while the two only got deeper and deeper enchanted by the other. It wasn’t until one of the Gugu matrons stepped forwards with a cat held in her arms and threw it at the ground violently that the girl slapped the blade away and let herself fall to her knees to catch the poor feline, then rose back again, gently petting and calming the animal, while throwing a harsh glare at the elder woman, before turning back again to the Prince.

“You lost the trial.” he said, yet mischief was glittering in his beautiful eyes. “Life over all. ALL life over all.” she pointed out, stepping closer to the Prince, and as soon as she knew she was completely hidden by his much larger form, she smirked at him, challengingly, which made him scoff in amusement right back at her. “You lost the trial, but won the position with your virtuous, unwavering heart. Father, with your approval, I will be responsible of her, and she will be my personal physician, and the physician of all the women in the palace. Her thinking is mature, righteous and ahead of her times.” the Prince bowed in front of his father, vouching for the girl next to him, who could only look in shock at the Imperial Son who seemed to trust her so. “I dare not deserve such baseless praise. Wait until I have achieved anything of significance.” she bowed next to the Prince, letting the cat go back to its owner. “Very well, I approve of your request. From now on, Lady Y/N shall be promoted to Lady Shuyu, the Wise and Virtuous Lady, she will be taught by the imperial physicians and will report directly to you, 4th Prince. Likewise, she will be staying at the Palace closest to the Imperial Library, yet, I believe I should change its name, since it needs renovation. Do you have any preferences?” the Emperor asked, as the girl was bashfully looking at the ground, not believing that her dreams were finally becoming reality. “Father, if I may, I would suggest - Palace of the Blue Lotus - for it is the symbol of victory, intelligence, wisdom and knowledge, something that My Lady seems to be the embodiment of. I heard it once being called - The Perfection of Wisdom - and I believe it fits her very well. Look at her, with her outfit and hair, she almost looks like a Lotus flower herself, wouldn’t you say?” the 3rd Prince commented, making the Emperor nod in approval. “Very well, I agree with you, 3rd Prince. Then, Lady Y/N, until your Palace is completely renovated, you will be staying at 4th Prince’s Palace and have him look after you.” the Emperor’s order made her eyes widen and cheeks redden from embarrassment, yet she gracefully bowed in thanks for the Emperor. “Your Majesty is benevolent and kind above all, I thank you for giving me a chance.” she spoke in a much softer voice. “Look at this one, she can be anything she wants. A Hua Mulan, a Diaochan...Yet, above all, I believe she could even be the next Wu Zetian, wouldn’t you say, my Son?” the Empress Dowager spoke with a gentle smile, which made the girl gasp and bow to the ground, flustered. “Your Highness, I am undeserving of such praise! I am but a mere woman who wishes the best for her peers, but I will never be able to get close to Wu Zetian’s greatness!” she spoke rapidly, not daring raise her face to them, only to receive chuckles and laughs from the audience. “She may not be the next Wu Zetian, but she may as well be the first Y/N L/N.” the 4th Prince teased the girl as he offered his hand to help her to her feet, before pinching her reddening cheek. “Indeed, indeed! But what should I make of your sisters? You say they are talented in arts, correct? Then, I will accept them, and wait for the time they can heal my soul with their magic and grace.” the Emperor’s eyes held amusement, as all three sisters bowed in unison. “Your Majesty is great and kind above all.” 

And so, for the first time in their life, the sisters were separated from each other. While the twins enjoyed a palace to themselves and another high ranked concubine, Y/N was comfortably staying in 4th Prince’s Palace, having just one trusty maid, for more would be a hindrance, and dressing in whatever comfortable clothes she wished to wear, sown by her and her maid.

She wasn’t a fan of sewing, but she practiced it regularly because she believed having dexterous fingers meant you would be a great physician, so she continued her work, using the softest cotton bolts brought from Western countries, and she made a beautiful light pink nightgown along with a pair of shorts and embroidered small purple flowers, and since then, her sleep has been the best she’s ever had... Although the silks from her bed must have added to the comfort as well.

As thanks for the Prince, the girl decided to sew a blue pyjama from the cotton, Western bolts for the Prince with whom she was residing, and used Chinese threads of gold and violet to embroider dragons on it, wanting to make a little play on the Western symbols of royalty.

Days passed way too quickly in the Palace, as the 4th Prince was excellent company and would humour her often with a cup of tea and a lost game of chess since truly, he wasn’t the best at it yet, but the quick exchanges of wit were worth the time spent there.

When she wasn’t by his side, she would go to the swing in the Garden of Peaches all by herself and swing herself high, almost as if she was trying to reach the sky, and when returning, she would let herself lean down, to watch the clouds, all while laughing in complete freedom, just like the tale of the Crane Wife.

Every time she would stop swinging, she would take out her jade flute and, unbeknownst to her, the Prince would hide just to hear her play with such skill and emotion that it truly moved him, and he had to admit, the saddest song she played, Autumn Moon over Han Palace, the one that truly depicts the cruelty with which the young and innocent souls of young women get crushed in the palace, only to be rewarded with misfortunes and sorrow, and he knew then that there was no way he would let anyone harm her.

The Emperor made him look after her, and so, he will.

“4th Prince, now that I shall not be living in your Palace anymore, I should thank you for your hospitability and kindness for the time I bothered you and invaded your privacy. Please accept my humble gifts for you, as a thank you for all the goodness you’ve showed me.” she personally handed him the boxes of gifts, since it was too personal to let her maid handle this matter. “I thank you for the gifts, yet you need not thank me for something so trivial. Congratulations in moving in your own Palace, little Lotus, but don’t forget that this has been your home too, and you are always welcomed here. I have also sent you gifts at your new residence, I wish you will use them with a smile on your face.” the prince spoke, putting the boxes on the table and petting her hair gently. “Without all the snark and witty comments, I almost don’t recognise you, Yin Zhen. Could you perhaps be ill?” she scoffed in amusement, making the man flick her forehead. “Going by how red your cheeks are, I’d say you’re the one who caught a fever.” he spoke with an obvious undertone. “How rude of you, Prince! Don’t you know it’s unfair to tease a lady?” she pointed out with a flustered scowl on her face. “Sister, weren’t you the one who once that that if a man teases a woman, he must be in love with her?” a soft, yet playful voice came from behind Y/N, which made her yelp in surprise and turn around in shock. “You’re horrible sisters, you know that, don’t you? I only said that so you’d feel good about your little, young selves, when the general’s son came over to visit father!” she sighed, looking away. “He doesn’t matter anymore! Now, look at you, the most favoured woman in the Palace by the Emperor, the Empress, the Dowager AND the Princes! We couldn’t compete with that, even now that we both served the Emperor and we were barely given the title of “Changzai”, and that’s mostly thanks to your influence and the fact that you helped the Lady of Morality give birth to the Princess.” Liyan spoke out, tugging on one of the arms of the elder sister. “It’s a bit weird if you think about it. Y/N Jiejie is over here, falling for the Emperor’s son, while we are pillow mates with the Emperor. He’s older than father!” Xiyan spoke so shamelessly, tugging on the other arm, that it made the poor elder sister blush deeply, and putting her hands on the back of their heads, she hit their heads together. “Liyan Meimei and Xiyan Meimei should learn how to be less vulgar and have some shame! Now, if you would excuse me, I must go do a regular check up on the Noble Consort’s pregnancy, I have no time for your foolish nonsense. I bid you all farewell.” she gave a sarcastic bow to the three before rushing out of that place. “I haven’t seen Jiejie so flustered before. Remember when that young poet came over and started playing the zither and singing for her, and she still turned him down?” Xiyan giggled, intertwining her fingers with her twin. “Yes, I remember! And it was the famous JiKang, the best zither player in the country! It’s a pity, really, I remember Jiejie saying how much she’d have liked to be free and travel the world, but she has to honour her duty to her family, otherwise she will be a disgrace and get killed.” Liyan sighed, looking away. “If your sister heard you gossiping like that about her, she’d get very upset at you. Now run along, you two.” Yin Zhen commented with a hint of playfulness, ushering the two sisters to scatter.

Days and nights went by fast, and Y/N was quickly climbing the ranks of a physician due to her hard working and witty disposition, and yet, when winter came and snow started falling hard, and the Consort was now 5 months pregnant, and need to have her regular check up.  As Y/N gave her the medicine to drink, the consort started screaming in pain and collapsed on the bed, her nether regions bleeding. She was having a miscarriage. With the help of a few maids and physicians, she managed to stop the bleeding and keep her stable, but she knew very well it would be hell once everyone finds out about the loss of the Imperial offspring...

And the consort was a truly vengeful one.

“How could you...?! How could you?! You insolent wretch, you made me lose my child!” the consort was livid, thrown things at the girl who was trying to calm her down. “Hua Fei Niangniang, what have you been eating and drinking recently? Perhaps there may have been something put in your food or tea? Or perhaps the fragrances or incenses?” she tried to ask, but it was to no avail. The consort was so upset that the Emperor himself, along with the Empress, the Dowager, the Harem and the Princes had to come and console her. “Emperor! Emperor! This stupid bitch is jealous that you favour me and made sure I have a miscarriage! It happened just as I drank the medicine from her!” the consort threw herself in the Emperor’s arms, sobbing loudly. “Medicine takes at least half a day to act, and you barely took a sip from it. I’m asking again, has your food and drink intake been properly taken care of?” Y/N asked once again, in a gentle voice, hoping to have an answer...But none came, only screeches. “You vile devil! You came here to have all women of the Harem miscarry! You want favour all to yourself! That’s why you walk around the Princes like a fox, drawing them in! You’re a lust demon! Get the guards and take her! Make her punishment be fitting to her hair! A Zhang of Redness!” she shrieked, making all the women gasp in shock. “Your Highness, I have nothing to do with Niangniang’s miscarriage. You can have any physician look over the tea I prepared and all the prescriptions I gave her, and none of them hold any abortifacient plants. I rest my case, and I will investigate the causes of the miscarriage, and should it have been my mistake, I will accept such a punishment. If not, then I beg for Your Majesty’s mercy.” Y/N bowed deeply to the ground in front of the Emperor, who seemed to nod in understanding. “Very well. I won’t offer you much time, but until then, you have all resources at hand. Everyone is dismissed.” and thus, they all left...Except for the 4th Prince who crouched and helped the girl up, his expression unreadable. “You truly know how to get yourself in trouble, don’t you?” he spoke with obvious concern. “Though I withdraw my sword to cut the water, it still runs. I toast to dispel worry, and create more worry…The water still flows, though we cut it with our swords, And sorrow returns, though we drown it with wine…” she muttered, looking ahead of her, in the void of emptiness that became her heart. “You once said you were not talented in arts, yet here you are, quoting Li Bai. You will always be a surprise, won’t you?” Yin Zhen cast her a half smile, which she returned. “It only fits. Now go. The Emperor will have my head should I let a man rummage through a woman’s belongings.” she sighed, turning around to investigate the place, while hearing the taunts of the consort...Until she found a cup that oddly smelled like green papaya, and a mortar and pestle that still had some cinnamon and pomegranate seeds powder in it. Afraid that the consort would realise she found the incriminatory objects, she took out a bag and threw it on the table, feigning that she putting all her medical belongings back in the bag, only to have the cup and mortar taken as well, and with a bow, she hurried to her Palace to study them.

She didn’t know much about such plants since they weren’t exactly used in medicine, and yet, she had to study them, while hiding the bag with incriminatory objects very well.

It was a cold, yet beautiful snowy night, and Y/N felt so crushed by fear from the recent events, that without realising, stepped outside, her feet dragging her to Yin Zhen’s Palace, and she had no idea until his Eunuch spoke to her, welcoming her inside and scolding her for not wearing something warmer, before having the maids prepare tea and telling the Prince about her arrival.

Silence took over them as they played chess and drinking tea, yet her mind was somewhere else completely, making her lose for the first time...But he wasn’t surprised in the least.

“What did you find out?” he asked bluntly. “Do you hate me, Yin Zhen?” she asked, using one of her silver ring claws to stir the tea in her cup. “Why would you ask something like that...? Do you suspect me of framing you, or what?” he asked, shock obvious in his voice, until he realised the tears that were falling down her face. “Then...Why...? I...I thought you...Of all people...Wouldn’t...” Y/N was unable of cursive, coherent words as she raised her finger to eye level, showing that the silver claw became back. “I did NOT poison your tea! Shu Pei Gong, who prepared this tea? I want them brought here and held responsible right now!” the rage the Prince felt was immense, but he knew now to let feelings overtake his ration. “What did I do to deserve such hatred...? I’m not part of the harem, I never hurt anyone, I’ve always been respectful and helped everyone, I never wished for promotions, titles, ranks or favours...So why...Why...?! Why is this happening to me?!” she cried out, her heart suffering greatly, enough so that before he could say anything, she ran out again, taking a shortcut through the Plum garden, where she let herself fall to the ground, the freezing cold unbothering to her, as she felt as cold as ice from the constant heartache she suffered.

She hated the colour red, it was everywhere, yet people didn’t understand why she’d despise such a beautiful colour. It was the colour of her hair, the colour of Maple leaves, the colour of Plum blossoms, and of course, the colour of blood.

Blood, for that’s all she was seeing - Laying there, on the pure white snow, crystals falling from the sky, covering her in a soft blanket, the shade of her skin, contrasting her hair, her flowers and...The blood from her injury.

But as the dark abyss of death started taking over her senses, she saw two little jades that appeared and disappeared just like shy will’o’wisp spirit orbs.

What was in her head, running away like that, in the dead of such a freezing night, and why the Plum Garden that is like a crimson maze that could have served as her resting place.

Who would have known she would be so sensitive, Yin Zhen thought, and yet, he is her confidante, and she thought he poisoned her, which would be a shock for everyone, especially after everything going on in her life.

She looked so petite in his large bed, in his own pyjamas, as her own clothes were soaked from the snow and she’s already shivering, the last thing he’d want is for her to get deadly ill.

“Your Majesty, a blow to the back of her head with a blunt object cause her collapse and fainting, but the coldness worsened her health. She will need to rest and take medicine regularly. And...As much as possible, she must not stress, mentally, emotionally or physically.” the physician bowed to the Prince as he sat on the edge of the bed, gingerly brushing away the hair from her face. “Easier said than done when you’re dealing with such a stubborn hard-head...You may go now. I will look after her.” the Prince dismissed the physician who kowtow-ed and left the place that got quiet...So quiet...Save for her unconscious shivering. “What will I do with you, Y/N? How can I save you when you run away from me?” he muttered, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. “You should have left me there.” a soft whisper was her, as the girl opened her glistering eyes. “Don’t speak such nonsense.” he scolded her, yet his eyes were gentle. “What is death if not a blessing in disguise? For unfortunate people like me, only followed by misfortune...What is there to live for? Instead of investigating her case, I should have let her punish me. It would have been less painful than my discovery.” her voice was devoid of any life, yet the tears that delicately made their ways down her cheeks were enough proof of sorrow and heart break. “What are you talking about, Y/N? What did you discover?” he asked, his attention not wavering from her. “Wu Zetian? Diaochan? Hua Mulan? Tan Yunxian? Yang Guifei? What the hell was in my head? The only thing I could share with them is a broken heart. Why did I even dare to think that I, as a woman, would have any chance to achieve happiness and freedom? I can’t even try to be Lin Siniang, for I have no martial arts, and I can’t go and die in battle for someone. I’m completely and utterly useless.” the girl sighed, turning her back to the Prince, letting her hair drape over her face to avoid being seen. “Y/N, I am your confidante, tell me what happened. When you feel like you can’t trust anyone, not even your family, or the world, I will be here to listen and be honest with you, no matter what. I promise.” he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a tight embrace, stroking her hair to calm her down, yet in only generated in her sobbing. “When I was struck and fell, I feigned being dead. I kept my eyes half-open, and I didn’t blink. I stopped breathing and looked up at the sky. And despite my blurring vision, I saw a pair of green orbs. And then, I heard a giggle, and a word. Just one word. You know what it was? They said - Finally - and then left. Do you understand what I mean, Yin Zhen?” she asked, letting go of him and looking him straight in the eyes. “You don’t mean...?” his eyes widened with surprise, not having expected something like that. “When I investigated the consort’s room, I found a cup that smelled of papaya and a mortar with cinnamon and pomegranate seeds. When she wasn’t looking, I stole them and went home to read more about these. My sisters visited me that night and we discussed about those items...And it was then that I found out that those plants cause natural, spontaneous abortions. They said they were worried about me...And then...They snitched on me to the consort. My maid warned me there were suspicious people lurking around so I secretly left my Palace and came to yours after taking the longest and darkest route. Somehow, they managed to make me paranoid enough by poisoning my tea in your own house...And I got scared and ran away. I was going to seek refuge at the Dowager, until the consort’s eunuch found me and yanked me over the head. That’s when I saw my sister’s eyes...The very same eyes that I hold...And most likely, they stole the items from my Palace and disposed of them...So what is there to live for, anyway?” she sighed, resting her head on his shoulder, weeping silently. “You have me and I will help you out. I won’t let anyone punish you, I promise you that.” he cupped her face, making her look at him with her sad, doe-like eyes. “Even if I escape punishment, who can mend my shattered heart? My father never supported my passions, so I did everything in secret...And my own sisters plotted and went against me, for some reason that I’m completely unaware of, considering I always took care of them, sent them any riches I had and got them out of trouble...And there’s no way I will ever escape the hell from the harem wrath, even if I’m not part of it. I am lost with no place to call home and nobody to love me. I should just go end myself with some wine, out in the Plum Garden. It would be a very fitting end with no pain. Very beautiful...Maybe some music would have made it perfect - “ she kept talking in self-deprecation, not realising how it upset the man in front of her, until he stopped her by kissing her with enough fire to begin the melting process over the frozen pieces of her heart, “Stop speaking like that, you are upsetting me. How can I marry you and spend the rest of my life with you by my side, if you let the world get to you and kill you?” he was scolding her in a gentle manner, his hand on top of her head, putting his forehead to hers. “How can I not, when my own sisters, that I raised and took care of since mother died, plotted my death and were happy to see me fall? My own family, Yin Zhen! How can I bare with that?!” her voice was full of emotions of all kinds, desperate to have someone to cling on. “Those who wish ill on you are not your family, even though you are bound by blood. You have me, Y/N. I vow to you, I would never leave you alone. I will always be there for you, no matter what, and I will never let anyone hurt you again.” the man said, making the girl sigh and shake her head. “What are you trying to say, Yin Zhen? There’s only so long until you’ll become the Emperor. Even if you want to, you won’t have the time to even remember I exist. And you will be busy with all your concubines every night. Don’t vow what cannot happen, or you will anger the Gods. Be realistic. You know how I am. I refuse to bare children, I refuse to deal with the harem. I will get jealous, and in the end, you will end up hurting me more than my own family did.” she hung her head, wiping away the stray tears. “When I become Emperor, I will be able to do anything I want to. It’s true, I will need heirs, but that’s what the harem is about, but that doesn’t mean I won’t hold you in my arms every night. You will be Empress, and you will help me with matters of the Palace. If the Consort can deal with the harem now, she can do so when I reign as well. Not to mention, the current Empress favours you, she will be kind with you once she becomes Dowager.” he explained reassuringly, which made her look up at him slowly. “Do you vow you always love me the most and have me and only me as your priority? And you will listen to me when I talk. And we will still hang out at midnight in the Cherry Garden, we will still go swimming, or swinging in the Peach Garden, we will still play the Zither and Flute together and you will still compliment me over the littlest things, no matter what?” Y/N spoke a bit more harshly, to get her point across, which only made the man chuckle. “I vow that I will still be your Confidante, and you will be mine, and things between us won’t change even when I become Emperor. Who else could sew me such comfortable pyjamas and then wear them much better than I do?” he pinched her cheek before kissing her forehead tenderly. “That’s because I have style. Now...Tell me, what should I do?” and her reply came in the form of a scoff of amusement as the Prince pulled her to his chest, making her sit on his lap. “Sometimes I wish you were more ruthless, little fox. But it’s fine, I will be ruthless enough for the both of us. Just trust me, and tomorrow, we’ll go together and prove your innocence once and for all.” he declared in a voice fit for an Emperor, before putting one hand on the back of her neck, while the other was on her waist, and pulling her flush against his chest, he kissed her, gently at first, to make sure she wouldn’t shatter in front of him like a precious china doll, only to gradually become more and more passionate.

And once again, just like when they first met, they locked tender gazes and got lost in their own paradise - You are mine and you can only be mine - He’d think, just for a split second, as he continued kissing and touching her skin, softer than any cloud.

The next day marked the beginning of his vow, as she woke up with his arms draped around her small form and him stroking her hair gently, before they got dressed properly and went to her palace, the Blue Lotus, only to find her maid freaking out and checking her for any injuries.

When they explained to her what happened, Shi Lian grinned and ran to fetch a bag that she buried in a secret place under the snow, revealing the incriminatory objects that she risked so much for. The maid then pointed out that some eunuchs came over and tried to search the place, with the help of one of her sisters, only to find nothing and return fearfully to the noble consort, their mission failed.

Wait until they see she isn’t dead, really.

And so, Yin Zhen baited the sisters into going to the consort’s house, and told the Emperor to wait outside of the door and listen, only interfering if and when he sees fit.

“4th Prince, what ever could be the reason for summoning us like that?” the consort asked with a feign-innocent smirk o her face. “I believe it’s high time to finish investigating a crime, correct, consort? The mystery behind your miscarriage?” Yin Zhen’s eyes were sharp, yet victorious. “Ahh, yes, but wasn’t it confirmed to be that woman physician’s negligence?” she preferred to fake admiring her hand jewellery, instead of looking at the prince. “That is quite the narrative you painted, isn’t it? Painted with her blood, and the blood of my father’s offspring. Clearly, there is no shameful level of low-ness that you wouldn’t stoop to, just to gain my father’s attention and favour, isn’t it? Even going as far as to frame the only physician who would properly be able to heal you and the women of the Palace. She fought hard to convince my Imperial Father, the Emperor, to allow her to be a medicine practitioner, with you in her mind, not her own well-being. You must truly be cruel and desperate to want to get the Emperor’s favour that badly, again. You must know you’re getting old and ugly, and you won’t be my Father’s favourite anymore...And his favourites will be the newer concubines...Like Y/N’s sisters, who have unique, green eyes, unlike all the other women here.” the Prince hit the nail spot on, making the consort look at him with fear and indignation. “U-Uhm, Prince, I know you favoured Y/N Jiejie, but why are you dragging us into this?” Liyan asked cautiously. “Because the consort came to you with an alliance - If you get rid of Y/N, you won’t bully the sisters for being young and favoured. However, the sisters were jealous of Y/N of having favour from everyone without having to conform to the norms every woman has to, for she is not a concubine, therefore, she had nothing to fight for except your lives. To think that her own sisters that she took care of would plot her own demise without a single speck of regret. You caught her when she was most vulnerable, alone, in the Plum Garden, then had some eunuch strike her over the head with a wooden bat. Truly horrific to think family would behave like this.” the Prince played the detective part, explaining the story he heard from the girl herself. “What gives you the right to accuse us of such treacheries?! We would never hurt Jiejie!” Xiyan growled at the man, only for a surprise to happen, as the woman in cause entered the scene dramatically. “Wouldn’t you?” Y/N asked in a low voice, earning gasps of shock from the 3 other women. “J-Jiejie! You’re alright! You’re alive!” Xiyan’s lips quivered, as her eyes were darting between her sister and the consort. “Why wouldn’t I be alive, Xiyan Meimei? Was something supposed to happen that would guarantee my imminent death?” Y/N tilted her head slightly to the side, staring deep into her sister’s eyes, searching for the truth. “N-No, of course not! Why ever would you claim something so cruel?” Xiyan chuckled nervously, walking a few feet backwards. “All my life I thought myself the family disappointment since I never was the perfect woman that father wanted me to be, to bring honour to the family...But I know for sure that I never raised a liar or a traitor. You are a disappointment. To think you’d partner up with the consort to kill me, and then, when I talked to you about the evidence I found in her palace, you’d try to kill me and steal the objects. My maid is my family more than you ever were.” Y/N shook her head in disappointment, taking out the bag, which made the three women widen their eyes in horror, knowing very well what was going to happen. “Look at them, they are already pissing themselves with fear. They know what is in them.” Yin Zhen scoffed at them. “This is the consort’s cup, from which she drank Green Papaya juice...And this is a mortar in which cinnamon and pomegranate seeds were crushed into a powder. All of these are known to naturally induce abortions, so it’s no wonder she had a miscarriage when I gave her the medicine. You wanted the attention and to kill me, so what better way to do so than to frame me, punish me yourself, and have the Emperor hate me and potentially kill me? A Zhang of Redness, you said. How cruel of you, Consort.” Y/N taunted her once again, showing the evidence, putting them on the table. “You’re insane! This is a conspiracy! You have 4th Prince’s and you got him to conspire against me! You’re the worst!” the Consort shrieked at the girl, almost getting physically aggressive, until the Emperor himself stepped in the room. “That’s enough! How shameless can you be? I understand being jealous of the women of the harem, but of someone who is here only to save your lives? Impertinent!” the Emperor’s booming voice resounded throughout the room, drowning out the consort’s whinings for a little while. “Y/N, you have been the wronged one here, I will let their punishment be of your choosing, no matter how harsh. I will take my leave now, I cannot stand to look at these wretches anymore.” and so, he left the place, letting the consort grovel on the ground, helplessly, shrieking in the worst high-pitched voice. “All’s well when it ends well, I’d say.” Y/N muttered, looking at her two little sisters. “What do you two have to say in your defense?” “We are sorry, Y/N Jiejie, we were wrong! Please, forgive us!” the twins jumped on her, hugging her tightly, stunning the poor girl. “How cruel. You know she’s soft hearted so you try to play her again. You are shameless leeches.” Yin Zhen spoke out, seeing the conflict in his lover’s eyes...Only for her to gasp suddenly and widen her eyes in shock. “Finally...Huh? You’re truly the worst...Yin Zhen told me to be more ruthless...Perhaps I should begin now.” with a pained expression on her face, she pushed the sisters away from her, revealing the bleeding stab wound from her abdomen. “How many more times are you going to try to kill me? As many times needed until you finally succeed...But you think a tiny blade like this will do the trick? If poison, a bat to the head and the freezing cold didn’t kill me, this is nothing more than a mosquito’s bite for me.” Y/N looked at Liyan with disgust as she snatches away the dagger by the blade, throwing it away.  “Y/N...!” Yin Zhen looked in horror at the wound that kept bleeding and bleeding, staining the green material of her beautiful dress. “This all began when you wanted to punish me with A Zhang of Redness. My hair is red. The Plum blossoms are red. My spilled blood was red as well. Now, it’s your turn. All three of you, I punish you with a Zhang of Redness, and should you live, I will take away all your titles and riches. Hopefully, you will see what I felt when I realised that death would be a blessing, rather than living. Enjoy your lives as paralysed traitors, you three.” despite the single tear straying down her face, Y/N’s eyes were cold and merciless, at least just for then, as hearing her little sisters scream, sob and plea for her to have mercy on them and forgive them was something that unavoidably crushed her, but there was nothing she could do about it anymore. “Every day with you is like watching a dramatic tragedy at the opera.” the prince sighed, picking her up carefully and bringing her to his palace, so the physicians would tend to her wound. “Isn’t my life a tragedy enough as it is, without you having to remind me?” she scoffed, turning away from him. “It won’t be anymore, my dear. I promise you.” and with that, Yin Zhen embraced Y/N once again, taking away all her sorrows, at least for the night, and many more other nights.

~~~ I also have a Sad Ending, read at your own risk. If I were you, I wouldn’t read it, but we all know how some need angst to live ~~~

But years passed faster than the blink of an eye, and as the norm asked for, problems still surrounded everyone in the Palace, since it wouldn’t be the Imperial Court otherwise.

It was needless to say was still mourning not having her sisters around anymore, as one of them died, while the other remained paralysed in the Cold Palace, and as soon as her father came by to sell his Western products and found out the fate of his children, he blamed Y/N for being heartless and bringing dishonor to their family by being the complete opposite of what a woman should be.

And so...They weren’t so young anymore, but double the age from when they met, and Yin Zhen now became Emperor Yongzheng, and Y/N was his Empress, just as promised.

At first, he was loyal to his vow - No matter who he’d be forced to visit for the night, he’d still return to her and hold her in his arms until the light of morning creeped through the windows, waking them up, but time is a feeble enemy, and words are easily forgotten.

Daily, became Weekly, just like Weekly, became Monthly.

He would barely come by to visit, let alone spend the night with her, and meals together were as scarce as trustworthy people in the palace.

Every day, she was forced to wake up and get ready to welcome all the concubines who had to pay their respects to her, only to be mocked for not being the Emperor’s favourite anymore.

It wasn’t like she couldn’t complain too much to the Dowager, as she already tried to remind her Son multiple times not to forget and neglect his own Empress, his own wife and beloved for so many ages, and yet, it only worked for a little time, and so, realising how she was being problematic to everyone by complaining about her loneliness, only to get shut down and reminded that that is the fate of any woman...

A woman, more alone now than ever before.

She would often go out to the special places she shared with Yin Zhen, often lost in thought, as memories kept flooding her mind and damaging her heart, only to realise that no matter how much she’d try to keep herself busy, her mind would still fly over to him.

She would try to practice the flute and zither from dusk till dawn, and even to the latest hours in the night, only for him not to even remember she could play, and asking the younger, pretties concubines to play, at all banquets held.

She would practice all kinds of intricate dances, wearing the flowiest of dresses that looked like the river, only to hear that she should settle for clothing fit for her age, and see him dancing with other women in the light of the moon.

She would sew random brocades and threads in whatever piece of garment she could think of, only to then throw it in the fire in frustration, knowing he hasn’t worn anything she’s made for him lately.

She would practice calligraphy until the candles were almost burnt and her eyes were burning from the sleep depravation and straining, only to rip the books apart, noticing the tears, smudges and shakiness on the pages.

For a while, she refused to leave her palace completely, only to realise her thoughts were much darker when alone, so she would walk through the secluded gardens and weep on the now deserted swing from the Peach Garden.

No matter how much she tried, her poor maid, Shi Lian, could never make her happy again, for the only one who can mend a broken heart is the one who threw it to the ground in the first place, but he was too busy with others, and Shi Lian was so angry at the Emperor, pitying the poor woman, especially since she, herself, was married and with children.

But she was happy, and Y/N was at least happy for her good fortune. At least she, her only friend, deserves to be happy.

On one winter day, the Emperor held a banquet, declaring that a famous Zither player would entertain them, and as customs said, the Empress must, too, attend, but big was her shock when she recognised that beautiful and otherwise stoic man with silver hair, whose emotions coloured the worlds while playing the instrument, and she couldn’t help but cry when she heard ‘Autumn Moon over the Han Palace’ and ‘Plum-Blossoms in Three Movements’ , songs which reminded her of her younger self, and the time he started courting her, before she chose duty over happiness and entered the Palace.

What a foolish decision. Instead of living for herself, she always lived for others, which only caused her sorrow and misfortune. Maybe she deserves it, and this is her karma for being such an idiot.

After the banquet was ready, she went to talk to the musician alone, who clearly recognised her as soon as he first laid his eyes upon her still beautiful face.

“Not even time can destroy such beauty. My heart is happy seeing you again, Y/N. And I see you became the Empress.” JiKang spoke, his voice warmer now than with anyone else. “Time is cruel, for it destroys words and promises. I am an Empress over nothing but the ashes of my own heart and the disrespect I receive from everyone. You, however, seem to be thriving as usual. I can only guess how many places you’ve visited thus far, and how much you’ve learned over the years. I truly envy you.” she spoke with sorrow and helplessness. “Women are forced to choose duty over themselves. If you, however, wish to defy all laws, my offer still stands.” he spoke, taking her hands in his, rubbing them comfortingly. “If I could turn back time, I would give up everything, just to be with you. To be free. To have someone who wouldn’t lie to me for decades and then forget I exist. I only wished to learn, love, and be happy...But I suppose I was too greedy to even dare wish for good fortune on myself. Which is why, I cannot leave without first talking to the Emperor. If I leave without another word, he would hunt me down, and kill you, above all else, and that is not something that I would ever wish for. I will tell him to fake my death and get another Empress. If he accepts, I will come with you. If not...Then...” she trailed on, sighing, without having the strength to utter those dreaded words. “Then, I will return to you another time and play songs, to mend your heart.” the Zither player promised, only for a brief silence to take over, as her green eyes, once full of life, like the evergreen forest, were as dead as the ashes of a pine tree. “...There will be no next time.” her sentence was coded, but him, as an emotional person, was the one who understood her the best. “Then I shall create a score and play the ‘Requiem for God’s Caged Bird’ and ‘The Lovely Fox Spirit and The Wavering Dragon’ in your honour, wherever I go.” was his last promise to her, as he watched her small form become no more in front of his very eyes.

And it was true, he never saw her, for the discussion between the Emperor and the Empress went as bad as it could get, even going as far as to strike her face, which reminded her of yet another promise that he broke. It should be all of them, by now, she thought, as she looked at him with an exhausted expression.

“You promised me so many things, and in the end, you broke all of them. Thank you, my darling Yin Zhen, for reminding me that I’ve been nothing more than your caged song bird that you forgot and threw in another room, in cold and darkness, to slowly starve and die in agony. The least you could have done was to fake my death and let me be happy, for the few years that I had left on this world. But, of course, nobody from your collection can escape, can they? Next time, I would suggest Zhen Huan, she is a lovely girl, and you love her the most, and in turn, she truly loves you. Just...Make sure not to treat her the same way you did with me...Goodbye, my beloved Yin Zhen. I truly loved you...And I still do.” she spoke...And then she left, not giving him the chance to say another word.

But that all happened during day light, as the next night, the true banquet would take place, to celebrate New Year’s Day, and JiKang would play once again.  And she wasn’t there, just as he’d expected. And he played more beautifully, more emotionally, than he ever did in his entire life, showing how much he cherished her, and how angry and frustrated he is with the Emperor took her away from him, mistreated her, constantly lying and breaking her heart.

“Shi Lian, my dear, why are you still here? You should be with your family, not with some old, pitiful woman like myself.” Y/N spoke from her writing table as she finished a note, putting her seal over it, and folding it so its contents won’t be seen. “Your Majesty, don’t be silly! I am your maid, I will always be here for you!” she chuckled brightly, which made the Empress give her a sad smile, her heart hurting as if impaled, once again. “Well...I won’t be going to the Banquet tonight, that much is clear. I can hear the beautiful music from over here. Here, take this. Give it to the Emperor’s Head eunuch as fast as possible, and tell him to give it to the Emperor when he wakes up in the morning, otherwise, nobody is allowed to read it, okay?” she said, wiping a few tears. “Yes, Your Majesty, I will hurry there right now!” the maid said, but before she left, the Empress rose to her feet, pulling her into an embrace. “Thank you, Shi Lian. You have been my only friend all this time. Thank you for everything. Now, please, after you’re done with this task, go stay with your family. I will have an early night...I am extremely tired.” she stroked her hair, almost in a motherly way, which confused the maid, but nonetheless, smiled at her master. “No, Master, thank you for being the amazing woman that you are. It’s an honour being by your side!” she bowed slightly, before rushing to the door. “Sweet dreams, Y/N Niangniang!” Shi Lian grinned cheerfully before taking off to the palace. “...I’m sure I will.” Y/N sighed, taking a bag and going to the Plum Garden, wearing nothing but her pyjamas.

She sat down on the soft grass, ignoring the cold that was paralysing her senses, and she took out the bottle of red wine, pouring herself a cup, before letting it spill on the ground. Then, she took a sachet, pouring its powdery contents into the bottle, and started rapidly gulping it down, letting the burning sensation in her throat be the only warm part in her body.  When the bottle was finally empty, she put it back in the bag, taking out a beautifully engraved vertical jade flute, that Yin Zhen gifted her after winning the competition where he played the zither, against the Princess of Western Liang, and so, she let all her emotions flow and be scattered all over China, through the wind, propelled by the sound of the instrument, all while the snowflakes were beautifully dancing around her, creating different accessories embellished with ice, that would set down on her, making her look like a Snow Empress.

If it weren’t for the tragic truth, she would look almost ethereal - With her white face, and white nightgown, the white decor, the green eyes and flute...The red hair, the red wine, the red plum blossoms...And the red blood.

She played and wept until she couldn’t feel her fingers anymore, not her frozen lips, as the flute fell from her hands and she let herself sit back on the bed of snow, looking up at the sky, just as she did, over 20 years ago.

Her death was tragically beautiful, just as she said back then.

“I should just go end myself with some wine, out in the Plum Garden. It would be a very fitting end with no pain. Very beautiful...Maybe some music would have made it perfect.” that’s what she said, long ago, and remembering her own words, she let darkness take over her, greeting it with a smile on her face - A smile, after decades of weeping.

A true smile.

The next morning, the Emperor woke up, with the beautiful Zhen Huan by his side, and his Head Eunuch waiting for him for any command. 

“Your Majesty, the Empress’ maid came by yesterday, saying that Her Majesty instructed her that you should be reading this now, in the morning, as you’ve waken up. She said she doesn’t know what it contains, as Her Majesty was secretive, but she said Her Majesty was behaving a bit...Odd.” the Eunuch explained the situation, as the Emperor, nodded with a grunt of approval, taking and unfolding the scroll that was neatly written in her beautiful calligraphy.

My Darling Yin Zhen,

To think that this is what time had in store for us...It’s almost pitiful to think that we would grow apart like this, considering how close we used to be at the beginning, when you were still a Prince, and we didn’t have any real worries on our shoulders.

Now, here we are, the same way we promised we would never become - Enstranged.

I missed you so much, every day and every night - I would always look at you, and see you, yet you never spared a glance my way anymore.

Saying that I used to be jealous is an understatement, I warned you of that before I even accepted to be with you, yet I never imagined that this would become beyond that, and that I would die of a broken heart, for my missing beloved.

Every day, I would count the promises and vows you made for me, and every day, I would cross them, one by one, and crush a flower in my hands, for every broken one, until there was nothing left.

You promised you would love me, and only me, but as soon as the Palace became flooded with gorgeous concubines, all yours to take, your heart forgot me, and it split all its love to all the women that you shared your bed with, and so, I crushed a Lotus flower.

Your promised you would always hold me in your arms at night, no matter of the woman you’d have to do your Imperial Duty with, and yet, it didn’t take long for you to remember that my bed was made for the both of us, and so, I crushed a Cherry blossom.

You promised you will always tease me, flick my forehead and pinch my cheeks, then kiss them, only for you to cast cold eyes at me whenever I spoke or did something silly, letting the Consort or Dowager deal with me, while you would play and to the same things you used to do with me, with other women, and so, I crushed a Plum blossom.

You used to compliment me on all my small achievements, no matter how silly or insignificant they were, but now, you gave away all the clothes I sew you, all the snacks, cakes and tea I would make you, and all the accessories I would spend days and night to make, and so, I crushed a Begonia flower.

You used to point out how my eyes were sparkling with life and joy whenever I was around you, and how all colours looked amazing on me, you said I was the Empress of Flowers, and yet, ever since you became Emperor, only dark eyes sparkle with happiness around you, and you said I should wear clothes for my age and stop fooling around, and so, I crushed a Peony.

You used to always accompany me whenever I played music, we even beat the Princess of Western Liang together, I with the flute, that you later gifted me, and you with the zither, and after that, you even gifted me that amazing Liang hair ornament...Only for you to forget that I can play musical instruments too, and only let the younger girls perform for you, and so, I crushed a Chrysanthemum.

You used to kiss me with so much love and passion, warming up and mending by broken, frozen heart, as you promised nothing in this life would ever hurt me again, and I would never be alone, and yet, you are the one who completely crushed me, forgetting about me, as if I was some ugly, ragged old doll, thrown away and forgotten by time and life, and so, I crushed a Camellia.

You used to be my confidante, my best and only friend, we trusted each other with all our secrets and gossips, and only each other, and yet, you completely stopped talking to me, making other confidantes now, and here I am, having no one but my maid to talk with, as my last living sister hates me eternally, and rightfully so, and so, I crushed a Narcissus.

You used to take me out at midnight and dance under the veil of stars, under the healing, guarding, loving light of Mother Moon, and we would confess our undying love for each other, and yet, nothing is eternal, and your love for me extinguished like the fire from a candle, and reignited on many other candles, and so, I crushed an Azalea.

But most importantly...

You promised that, no matter what, our hearts will always belong to each other, and nobody else - I kept my end of the promise, but you broke it as soon as you took the throne, and I watched you run further and further away from me, while I was wilting away, exhausted, starving, alone...And so...I crushed a thorny Rose...And let the blood spill on the pure snow...The same pure snow that was my life and innocence which you tainted with your negligence and lies.

The least you could have done was to let me live, at least for now, but it is as you once said - ‘Don’t look at other men, don’t leave me. You are mine, and you can only be mine’ - such an innocent phrase, that only applied to you, not to me, as I had to share you with countless women, yet you didn’t even let me tug on the last string of hope that coincidentally found itself in front of me. 

It was a mirage, just like the happiness you promised me, and no matter how much I tried to run, the image became further and further distant, until my legs gave up, and I began crawling...And crawling...Until it disappeared completely, and I lay grieving on the deserted snow, warmer than your own ice-cold heart.

I should have chosen happiness over duty - I should have eloped with JiKang back then, before I chose to honour everyone and come into the Palace, but that was my biggest mistake, and my greatest downfall - I met you, and as soon as I looked into your eyes, I was trapped.

I was truly nothing more than your caged songbird, and once you got tired of my song, you threw away the key, and my cage in some forgotten chamber, scary, away from any form of life, darker and colder than anything, even Hell.

But it’s fine.

In the end, if it wasn’t true for you, it was true for me, and on my last seconds alive, as I lay on the blanket of snow, just as I told you back then, listening to my own Requiem being played at the Banquet, I count the falling snowflakes, and with each of them, I would think of a beautiful moment that we shared together, and my heart, despite being shattered, smiled, after ages of forgetting how to.

I am happy, at least now, as I lay dying, knowing that I will finally see my beloved Yin Zhen again, as you took him away from me - You, Emperor Yongzheng, destroyed the love between me, Y/N, a simple physician, and Yin Zhen, the 4th Prince, who truly loved me with all of his heart, and I, in turn, loved him with every fiber of my very being.

I blame you, Emperor Yongzheng, for taking my beloved away from me, and taking my youth and heart and locking them in a cell, but at least now, I know that I can be happy, with him, my beautiful, sweet, lovely Yin Zhen, my husband, best friend and confidante.

The only person who was ever by my side all this time has been my maid, Shi Lian - And as a thank you, I want to promote her to Lady Yongqing, and all my riches go to her - I wish you only the best, and I hope, my dear Shi Lian, that you will be happy for me as well.

In the end, I was never Wu Zetian, or Hua Mulan, nor Diaochan or Yang Gufei - I was just Y/N, a pitiful Physician, a pitiful Empress, and, above all, a sad woman, trapped in a hopeless world of sorrow.

Goodbye.

Y/N, the Female Imperial Physician.

Reading that, the Emperor didn’t realise that tears were escaping from his eyes, as he rushed out of the room, making his way to the Plum Garden, only to find the woman he loved with all his being dead, covered by snow, her skin paler than ice itself, and a red stain where her head was - Wine, replicating the incident many years ago.  Next to her, lay the flute he gifted her long ago, and he realised that she was playing her sorrows until the very end. He discovered the wine bottle and poison sachet in the bag, the very bag that she used to steal the incriminatory objects from the consort long ago, and on the snow, he saw a phrase written, one so ironic, yet painful beyond belief.

“A Zhang of Redness”

In the end, she was right - It all began and ended with A Zhang of Redness.

He was, once again, Yin Zhen, the man hopelessly in love, and hopelessly crushed, as he held her in his arms and wept, the salty droplets of water falling down her face in rivers, and in that moment, he couldn’t help but have flashbacks from his youth, all of them, with her by his side.

He truly was the worst, being capable of neglecting the one person he held in higher esteem than Buddha himself, and yet, he let this happen.

How could he let this happen? Why did he do something like this? Did the title of Emperor really get to his head like that? Did he truly forget who he was all this time? Was he, maybe, the one trapped in a false world, away from any exits or escapes?

He didn’t know, and yet, one thing was sure - Y/N was dead, and there was no bringing her back.

At her funeral, he invited JiKang to play, and the Emperor could feel the musician’s own heart throbbing in sorrow, as he looked at her with empty eyes, and yet, the pity and anger he felt was obvious from the way he played.

As night came, and they all lit lanterns to float into the skies, and put candles on lotus flowers, to light up her way to a better, more beautiful world, the two men remained alone, only sadness linking them.

“What were the songs that you played?” the Emperor asked in a low voice. “Songs that I promised I would play in her honour, the last time we talked. I knew what she was going to do, and yet, knowing that she killed herself when I played for her - And more - that she, herself, played, makes my heart ache even more.  ‘Requiem for God’s Caged Bird’ and ‘The Lovely Fox Spirit and The Wavering Dragon’  were the name of the songs.” the musician replied with a certain harsh coldness that resembled a blizzard. “I see...Very fitting indeed.” he grunted in approval hearing his statement. “You are the cruelest man alive. Instead of taking care of her, you let her die. You didn’t even give her a second chance of living. You were desperate to possess everything and everyone. To have everything under your control. So much that you don’t even notice, nor care, that the most beautiful flower wilted in your very own hands. You should be ashamed of yourself, to even call yourself an Emperor. You never deserved her, that much, is clear to me.” JiKang glared at the Emperor, not caring for any kind of repercussion. “You are correct. I never deserved her. I loved her more than anything in this world, and yet, I destroyed everything for her, and now, she is no more. She shares the same fate as all the Four Beauties of China - A most tragic end, for all of them. And the worst is that she needed to die in order for me to wake up, and now, I can’t even make it up to her. Honouring her after death means nothing, if I didn’t while she was alive. It changes nothing.” the Emperor sighed deeply, looking at the stars, the ones she loved so much, and would count together from the top of the flowery hill. “That star right there - It used to be our star. Whenever we’d go to the hill together, we’d search for it. It was our guardian star. It was the brightest, and most beautiful. And now, it seems to be be even brighter...Just like that tale of the Rabbit Moon Goddess.” “...At least bother remembering her after death, if you couldn’t do it while she was alive.” the musician left the Emperor to his own thoughts. “I am sorry, my darling Y/N. I love you. Forever. Endlessly. Only you.” the Emperor muttered, staring at the star, allowing himself to mourn properly now, away from anyone’s eyes.

The Palace of Blue Lotus became her shrine, filled with flowers and beautifully written poems, and guarding it, a statue of her, and a statue of a nine tailed fox, a Huli jing, were standing there, letting offerings of flower crowns, jewelleries, jades and trinkets be placed around and all over them, to honour her kind, beautiful heart, as it should have happened while she was alive.

As promised, the Emperor promoted Shi Lian, but to the title of Lady Shuyu, just like Y/N once was, and offered her a huge allowance, almost the size of an Empress, hoping that it would make Y/N happy beyond life...Yet seeing the maid grieving, her face pink and puffy, no longer cheerful, hurt him beyond belief, as he was reminded of the sins he committed.

And so, once again, he had to pink new concubines for his unfortunate Harem, along with his new Empress, Zhen Huan, just as Y/N said...And there she was, a beautiful young woman, full of life and hope, obviously not wanting to become a slave to him, so he interrogated him, just as he did with Y/N, long ago. This time, his brother, Duke Guo, a free soul seeking his soulmate, was by his side.

The Emperor ordered for a zither to be brought forth for the woman to play, and as soon as she did, his brother joined in, accompanying her in perfect sync, and just as it happened to him long ago, their eyes were trapping each other in a beautiful enchantment of love and bashfulness.

Please, Gods, let them be what I and Y/N couldn’t be, Yin Zhen begged in his heart, watching those two shyly exchanging looks.

“I know you never wanted to serve me as a concubine. You very much resemble my wife, the late Empress Y/N. If you were to join the harem, your heart will be destroyed. That is why...If you would want to, I will allow you to marry any man you fall in love with, even if it is my own brother, Duke Guo. He always preached about wanting to find the his soulmate, and you two look at each other the same way I and Y/N would, long ago. Don’t waste this love on stupid things, like I did. Cherish it, and keep your promises to each other. You never know when life snatches away your happiness, leaving only emptiness and sorrow behind.” Yin Zhen looked at them, his heart conflicted, feeling both happiness and sadness, as the man and woman in front of him appeared to be just another version of himself and Y/N.

He couldn’t see the girl, nor his brother.

He could only see a beautiful red haired woman with green eyes, flowers in her long, cascading hair, and her gorgeous green gown, looking like a Fox Spirit, or a Lotus...And a man, gazing at her lovingly, wearing vibrant gold, his expression soft, despite the deep, dark eyes, that now held love, warmth and tenderness in them.

It wasn’t some random girl and some random boy.

It was Y/N and Yin Zhen.

And then he wept once again for their lost love.

The Weekend Warrior February 21, 2020 – CALL OF THE WILD, BRAHMS: THE BOY II, THE IMPRACTICAL JOKERS MOVIE, EMMA and more!

After overestimating Birds of Prey… I mean, Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey… it looks like I underestimated Paramount’s Sonic the Hedgehog… I mean Jim Carrey’s Dr. Robotnik… with Sonic. It truly spanked my lowball prediction in the mid-$40 millions, but I wasn’t alone there at least. Hey, it’s a fun movie and my positive review wasn’t off-base with the critical world at large, so there’s that, too.  (Apparently, I liked both Downhill and Fantasy Island more than most people, including CinemaScore voters who gave the movies a “D” and “C-“ respectively… ouch!)

This is likely to be another down week as neither of the two new movies are particularly strong, which gives me a chance to focus instead on this week’s FEATURED MOVIES! And we have four of ‘em this week, no less!

That’s right. I think it’s time I go back to my previous desire to use this column to focus on smaller movies that you may have missed since very few of the bigger outlets bother to cover them, and there’s a few worth pointing out this week. I’m gonna start with the two foreign films, because hopefully, you’ve listened to Bong Joon-ho and his translator and are not as fearful of subtitles…

First up, opening on Wednesday at New York’s Film Forumis Jan Komasa’s CORPUS CHRISTI (Film Movement), Poland’s selection for the Oscar International Feature category, which was actually nominated for an Oscar in the category in which everyone already knew Parasite was always gonna win! It’s a shame, cause this is a really amazing film with Bartosz Bielenia playing Daniel, a troubled youth just out of juvenile hall who steals the trappings and identity of the youth prison’s pastor and is therefore mistaken as an actual priest when he arrives at a small community village that has suffered a tragic loss. It’s an amazing film about faith and forgiveness and redemption, and how the script came to Komasa from screenwriter Mateusz Pacewic is an equally amazing story. Seriously, if you get a chance, definitely check this powerful drama out, since it’s another fantastic film from a country that has continually been delivering the goods in terms of original storytelling.

I was just going to do three featured movies this week, but a really good German thriller is finally hitting the States, opening at the Quad in New York Friday then in L.A. on March 13 before a nationwide rollout. Michael Bully Herbig’s incredibly suspenseful German thriller BALLOON (Distrib Films USA) is about two families from the GDR (aka East Germany) who try to cross over into West Germany in 1979 using a hot air balloon, over a decade before the fall of the Berlin Wall. Based on the actual events, their story previously was adapted into the Disney movie Night Crossing (which oddly, isn’t on Disney+ yet-- I checked­, but it’s on Amazon Prime if you wanna compare the two movies). The movie doesn’t spend nearly as much time in the balloon as something like The Aeronauts, as the family’s first attempt fails miserably, so much of the film involves them working towards a second attempt, while trying not to be caught.

Balloon is a pretty heavy film (irony?), sometimes a little overwrought with drama but it keeps you on the edge of your seat as it cuts between the families trying to figure out their escape plan and the authorities trying to put together the clues to find these defectors. There’s a particularly amusing man in charge of the investigation, played by the always-amazing Thomas Kretschmann (The Pianist), who is constantly berating his men, something that helps lighten the otherwise heavy tone that permeates the film. This is another fairly low-key foreign film that’s worth seeking out.

Another movie people should make an effort to seek out is Rashaad Ernesto Green’s PREMATURE (IFC Films), an amazing film that follows the relationship between two young people in Harlem over the course of a summer. We first meet Zora Howard’s Ayanna as she’s hanging with her friends kibitzing about boys, as they begin their last summer before Ayanna heads to college. Shortly after, she meets Josh Boone’s Isaiah, and the two hit it off. The rest of the film follows the ups and downs of their relationship including incredibly intimate moments that lead up to Ayanna getting pregnant.

I won’t go through the plot play-by-play style, because it’s interesting to discover the twist and turns in their relationship in a similar way as we do our own relationships. Needless to say Green has a pretty amazing partner and lead in Howard, who co-wrote the screenplay, which is probably why it feels so authentic and real. Sure, there are a few scenes between Howard and Boone, both fantastic actors, that feel a bit too showy dramatically but otherwise, it’s a fantastic second feature from Green who has mainly been directing TV since his earlier film Gun Hill Road. I’ll definitely be very curious to see what Green and Howard get up to next either alone or working together.

Opening in New York and L.A. this Friday but in theaters nationwide on March 6 is the latest incarnation of Jane Austen’s novel EMMA. (Focus Features), this time starring the wonderful Anya Taylor-Joy (from The VVitchand Split/Glass) as the title character, Emma Woodhouse, a 28-year-old matchmaker who prides herself on the relationships she’s put together even while unable to find her own mate.  The film follows as the latter starts coming in the way of the former as she infiltrates herself into things as an “expert on love” who can’t find it herself.

Maybe it’s not surprising that I haven’t read much of Austen’s work and have missed this one altogether, never having seen any of the other iterations, but it’s a fairly wild and witty ride. Much of that is due to the amazing and wonderful cast around the young actor, the most surprising behind Mia Goth, who is in fact three years older than Taylor-Joy, but plays the younger wide-eyed Harriet who looks up to Emma and elicits her advice. Emma basically steers Harriet from the farmer she likes to Josh O’Connor’s Mr. Elton, the wealthy local vicar who is more than a little bit of a dark. This leads to a bit of a revolving door of who is interested in whom, etc especially when Emma’s nemesis Jane Fairfax (Amber Anderson) returns to Hartfield.

Some of the other men in the mix are Johnny Flynn’s dashing George Knightley – the brother-in-law to Emma’s sister – and Callum Turner’s wealthy Frank Churchill, whose attentions lead to more misunderstandings. Both were great but I was more impressed with O’Connor who transforms into a completely other person when Emma spurns his affections and seems like a different person from the way first-time features director (and photographer) Autumn de Wilde shoots him. Of course, Bill Nighy is as great as always as Emma’s father, always feeling a slight draft, but even more impressive is the wonderfully hilarious Miranda Hart (from Spy) as Miss Bates, a woman who gabs at length about how wonderful Jane Fairfax is, much to Emma’s annoyance. As much as Emma. is Anya Taylor-Joy’s show, it’s the ensemble cast around her that makes the movie so infinitely enjoyable, getting better as it goes along.

This is a very good first feature from de Wilde, who has directed quite a number of music videos for Beck, and Emma. seems very different from the movies we normally get from video directors, much of that to do with Austen’s source material and the cast. Either way, how things develop over the course of the film makes it more enjoyable as it goes along. (Although I have never read the book, the film seems fairly faithful to the book’s Wikipedia page, so Austen fans should enjoy it, too.)

I guess we can now get to the wide and semi-wide releases and the rest of the movies – merging my two columns into one means you get more 5,000-word columns, you lucky ducks!

The higher-profile of the two new wide releases is probably CALL OF THE WILD (20thCentury Studios), a PG adaptation of Jack London’s classic novel starring Harrison Ford and the most adorable CG dog (i.e. not real, so back off PETA!) you’ve ever met named Buck! Sure, dog lovers might say, “Why would we want to watch a movie with a CG dog when clearly, a movie with actors in green suits turned into dogs using CG would suffice?” But no, it’s actually a very heavily CG movie directed by Chris Sanders, who directed Lilo & Sitch, the first How to Train Your Dragon and The Croods before giving a go at live action. (Sanders also provided quite a few voices in earlier animated films like Disney’s Mulan and Tarzan.)

A film that already was well into production when Disney bought Fox (now 20thCentury Studios), Call of the Wild also stars Omar Sy (returning for next year’s “Jurassic World” finale), Karen Gillan, Dan Stevens, Bradley Whitford but the real star of the movie is the dog Buck, which is performed by the immensely talented Terry Notary, who you’ll know for his work on the “Apes” movies with Andy Serkis, Kong: Skull Island and some of the characters in the last couple “Avengers” movies.

Of course, opening the weekend after Paramount’s Sonic the Hedgehog, which has turned out to be a bigger hit than anyone imagined, certainly won’t help The Call of the Wild.

In many ways, this reminds me of the 2002 Disney movie Snow Dogs, which opened with $17.8 million over the 4-day MLK weekend. The combination of Ford (who appears in very few movies) and the adorable dog antics might be enough for the movie to make $15 to 17 million this weekend, maybe a little more, although it only has two weeks to do business before Disney’s next Pixar movie, Onward, takes over, not giving it much time to make bank.

Mini-Review: It’s pretty evident that this exceedingly faithful take on Jack London’s book will not be for everyone. While I personally was mixed, I expect this to be one of the rare positive reviews just ‘cause. Surprisingly, it’s also the most “Disneyfied” movie that could possibly come from the newly-renamed 21stCentury Studios as it’s a movie clearly made for kids and animal lovers even if never the ‘twain shall meet, in some cases.

The story follows a large St. Bernard named Buck (portrayed by Terry Notary – but we’ll get back to that), who begins his life as the spoiled and pampered pet of a wealthy judge in California but is sold to a man who trains Buck with his club sending the dog on a wild journey across the Yukon as part of a dog sled for a pair of Canadian postal workers (played by Omar Sy and Cara Gee from “The Expanse”). Eventually, he’s paired with an alcoholic frontiersman (Harrison Ford) and he finds true love, as the two of them go off looking (and finding) gold.

Some might be surprised that director Chris Sanders (who has an extensive animation background) decided to go for straight-up CG when depicting the animals and some of the environments in Call of the Wild. In fact, it feels almost necessary to make Buck as expressive as he needs to be to carry this film, and that’s where Terry Notary (Andy Serkis’ partner-in-performance-capture from the “Apes” movies) and the CG team comes in handy. Buck is already lovable but being able to make him so expressive doesn’t hurt, and the scenes where he’s interacting with other animals are pretty amazing.

We do have to discuss the negatives, and one of them is the episodic nature of Buck’s story that means that Harrison Ford, other than the narration and a brief appearance, doesn’t play a large part in Buck’s story until about the 45-minute mark. I didn’t think much of the performances by Sy and Gee or Dan Steven and Karen Gillan as the spoiled rich people who buy Buck to drive their dog sled off to find gold. Buck’s experiences as part of the first dog sled is far more positive even though it’s rigorous and it puts him at odd with the dog pack leader. The problem is that most of the human actors don’t come close to delivering what Notary does as Buck, the exception being Ford, but it’s still one of those odd CG-live action amalgations that doesn’t always work.

If you’re fond of Jack London’s Arctic adventures (as I generally am), Call of the Wild offers as much good as it does bad, but it’s worthwhile more for the amazing vistas and terrific use of CG (and Terry Notary’s performance as Buck) than anything else.

Rating: 6.5/10

I won’t have a chance to see the horror sequel BRAHMS: THE BOY II (STXfilms), but I never got around to seeing the first movie either, although this one, starring Katie Holmes, does look kind of fun. 2020 has not been a great year for horror so far with almost a new horror every weekend and few doing particularly well – The Grudge tops the heap with just $21 million and that opened almost two months ago!

I really don’t have a lot to say about this other than the fact that the original The Boy(not to be confused with The Boy, The Boy or The Boy, which are also movies about a different “Boy”), also directed by William Brent Bell, opened in January 2016 to $10.8 million on its way to $35.8 million domestic but it also opened at a time when there were no strong horror films in theaters. Some could argue that there are still no strong horror films in theaters, especially since so many of them quickly lost theaters after bombing. Still, there have been a lot this year already and the most recent one, Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island underperformed this past weekend, so why would anyone want more?

STXfilms’ marketing has been solid even as this moved from its December release to now, but I still think it will be tough for this to make more than $10 million this weekend and probably will end up closer to $8 million or less.

Opening in limited release but also sure to be exciting to the fans of the TruTV hidden camera prank show is IMPRACTICAL JOKERS: THE MOVIE, which brings the hilarious Tenderloins comedy troop – Q, Murr, Sal and Joe -- to the big screen as they go off on a cross-country adventure to attend a party in Florida, playing their usual prank-filled games to see which three get to attend. At this writing, I have no idea how many theaters it’s opening – I’m assuming 150 to 200 maybe? – so no idea how it might do although there are already some sold out showings in my general area (NYC) where the guys are from.

Mini-Review: It feels like there need to be two reviews for this movie – one for those who already know and love the show and find the Tenderloins hysterical (this includes me) —and then one for everyone else.  The former can probably skip the next paragraph.

The Tenderloins are a group of four Staten Island friends (names above) whose antics led to a successful TruTV hidden camera show where they pull pranks and challenge each other to say and do whatever they’re told. The show has run eight seasons, and it’s made the Tenderloins such big stars they regularly sell out enormous venues (like Radio City Music Hall) to perform live for their fans. Considering the success Johnny Knoxville’s “Jackass” show has had in movie theaters where it can take advantage of an R-rating, there’s little reason why the “Impractical Jokers” shouldn’t be able to do the same. (For some context, I watched this movie with a theater full of the group’s friends, crew as well as Q’s firehouse buddies, in other words, 75% of Staten Island.)

The movie, directed by Chris Henchy, long time McKay and Ferrell collaborator – the film is presented by their “Funny or Die” brand –opens with one of a number of scripted/staged scenes to frame the road trip the Tenderloins to attend a party in Miami being held by Paula Abdul. Since they only have three passes, they need to compete in their usual challenges to determine who misses out.

If you are a fan of the show, I’m not going to spoil any of the challenges or pranks they plan on each other, but they generally get better and funnier as the movie goes along, to the point that when it returns to the “story” and the scripted stuff, the movie does falter a little. Although the Tenderloins aren’t the greatest actors, they are great improvisers and you can tell when they’re coming up with lines by the seat of their pants.

The majority of the movie is basically what we see on the show without all of the commercial breaks cutting in just as things start to get outrageous, and as someone who watches more of the show than I probably should admit, I find it hard to believe no one watching the movie will at least get one good snicker out of the movie. There are a few recurring gags throughout the movie as well as a follow-up to a memorable punishment from an earlier season. (Like with the show, you’re likely to feel bad for Murr and Sal, the nicer half of the group who always get the most abuse because of it.)

If you’re already a fan of the Impractical Jokers, you’ll probably like the movie, but if not, you might not get it and there’s just no real use trying. In other words, not a great intro to the “Impractical Jokers” but a fine bit of fun for the already-converted.

Rating: 6.5/10

This week’s Top 10 should look something like this…

1. Sonic the Hedgehog  (Paramount) - $29 million -50% (up $1.5 million)**

2. Call of the Wild (20th Century) - $17 million N/A (up .3 million)** 3. Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey  (Warner Bros) - $9 million -48%

4. Brahms: The Boy II (STXfilms) - $7 million N/A (down .6 million)**

5. Bad Boys for Life (Sony) - $6 million -48% (down .1 million)**

6. The Photograph (Universal) – $5.5 million -55% (down .6 million)**

7. Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island (Sony) - $5.3 million -57%

8. 1917 (Universal) - $5 million -38%

9. Parasite (NEON) - $3.6 million -35%

10. Jumanji: The Next Level  (Sony) - $3.3 million -42%

-- The Impractical Jokers Movie (TruTV) - $1.8 million*

-- Las Pildoras de mi Novio (Pantelion/Lionsgate) - $1.3 million*

* These last two projections are made without much info on either movie, including theater counts for the former.

**A few minor tweaks as we go into weekends with actual theater counts, although this weekend will still mostly be about Sonic the Hedgehog. I still don’t have any theater counts for Impractical Jokers on Thursday night so I guess we’ll just have to see if the theaters playing it report to Rentrak and it gets some sort of placement, presumably outside the top 10, on Sunday. 

LIMITED RELEASES

There are lots of other new limited releases this weekend beyond the ones I mentioned above.

On Wednesday night, Fathom Events is releasing Masaaki Yuasa’s new movie RIDE YOUR WAVE (GKIDS) across the nation for one night only in some places, although it will get a limited release on Friday at New York’s Village East and maybe other places, as well. If you’ve seen any of Yuasa’s other films like 2017’s The Night is Short, Walk on Girl or Lu Over the Wall or Mind Game, then you can probably expect this to be another wild ride, except this time it’s on a surfboard. It follows the story of a surfer and a firefighter who fall in love. You can learn more about how to get tickets here.

Like Portrait of a Lady on Fire last week, Una director Benedict Andrews’ SEBERG (Amazon) received a one-week release in 2019 but it’s getting a legit limited release this Friday. It stars Kristen Stewart as French New Wave icon Jean Seberg who came to the States in the late ‘60s and began a relationship with civil rights leader Hakim Jamal (Anthony Mackie), putting her in the sights of the FBI who were hoping to use her to bust the Black Panthers. The film also stars Jack O’Connell, Margaret Qualley, Vince Vaughn, and Stephen Root, and it’s a pretty solid historical drama, although I haven’t seen it so long I’m not sure I can say much more about that.

I was never a huge fan of Bob Dylan or the Band but I found Daniel Roher’s doc ONCE WERE BROTHERS: ROBBIE ROBERTSON AND THE BAND (Magnolia) (about the latter) to be quite compelling as the story is told by various people who were there, including the film’s exec. producer Martin Scorsese who directed the band’s legendary concert film The Last Waltz. This is also produced by Ron Howard and Brian SGrazer of Imagine, so you know it’s gonna be a quality music doc, and it certainly is, although I’m not sure it will be of that much interest to people who aren’t already fans of The Band.

Opening in roughly 350 theaters this weekend is LAS PILDORAS DE MI NOVIO (Pantelion), translated as “My Boyfriend’s Meds,” a comedy about a woman (Sandra Echeverria) who falls for a mattress store owner who suffers from multiple personality disorder and when they go on vacation… he forgets to bring along his meds! Humor abounds. As usual, this won’t screen in advance for critics.

Tye Sheridan stars with Knives Out’s Ana De Armas in Michael Cristofer’s thriller The Night Clerk (Saban Films), Sheridan plays a hotel clerk with Asperger’s Syndrome who witnesses a murder in one of the rooms but ends up as the main suspect by the lead detective, played by John Leguizamo. The film also stars Helen Hunt and it will be released in select theaters (including New York’s Cinema Village), on demand and digitally this Friday. Just couldn’t into this one, having at least one good friend with Asperger’s, due to the way Sheridan played this often-debilitating disease. (Think Rain Man without the talent of Dustin Hoffman.)

Opening exclusively at theMetrographFriday with an expansion on March 3 is Portugese filmmaker Bruno de Almeida’s Cabaret Maxime (Giant Pictures), starring Michael Imperioli as Bennie Gaza, the owner and manager of the title nightclub specializing in a mix of burlesque, striptease, music and comedy. Bennie is fairly old-fashioned so when a modern day (translation: trashy and demeaning to women) strip club opens across the way, Bennie finds himself pressure to make changes to stay in line as he starts getting pressure from his mobster financer to change. I was kinda mixed on this movie, which delivers another typically great performance from Imperioli but the way it cuts between various acts and disparate scenes that do very little to move the story forward (including the far-more-interesting subplot about Bennie’s wife Stella, a performer suffering from depression, as played by the amazing Ana Padrão). I think one of the reasons I just couldn’t get into the movie is cause a friend of mine attempted a similar film based out of a nightclub and the film never got much traction. De Almeida should have paid more attention developing the storytelling than showing off his talented musical singing/dancing friends.

A second Portugese filmmaker, Pedro Costa, also releases a new film this week.  Vitalina Varela (Grasshopper Film) will open at New York’s Film at Lincoln Center on Friday. The title of the film is also the name of the non-actor who returns from Costa’s Horse Moneyto play a woman from Cape Verdean who comes to Fontainhas for her estranged husband’s funeral and sets up a new life there.

Also opening at the Quad Friday is the latest from the Dardenne Brothers, Young Ahmed (Kino Lorber) about a 13-year-old (Idir ben Addi) who has come under the grips of radical jihadism in his Belgian town, putting him at odds with various factions. When he carries out an act of violence, he ends up in a juvenile detention facility. The Dardennes won the Best Director award at last year’s Cannes Film Festival, where their films have been honored with the Palme d’Or twice. I’ve never been much of a fan but what do I know?

Opening at the IFC Center Wednesday is Nicolas Champeaux, Gilles Porte’s documentary The State Against Mandela and the Others, which is built around recently recovered audio recordings of the 1963-4 Rivona trial in which Nelson Mandela and eight others faced death sentences for challenging Apartheid. The film mixes animation showing the trails with contemporary interviews with the survivors including Winnie Mandela, about their fight against the country’s corrupt system.

Another doc I know little about is Andrew Goldberg’s Viral: Antisemitism in Four Mutations, which will open at the Village East Friday but it includes the likes of Julianna Margulies, Tony Blair and Bill Clinton as anti-semitism rears its ugly head over 70 years after the end of World War II and the Holocaust.

Also opening at Cinema Village is Matt Ratner’s Standing Up, Falling Down (Shout! Studios) starring Billy Crystal and Ben Schwartz (the voice of Sonic the Hedgehog!), the latter playing a stand-up comic whose L.A. dreams have crashed and burned leaving him with little money, forcing him to return to Long Island. Once there, he pines over his ex (Eloise Mumford) and becomes friends with an eccentric dermatologist (Crystal) as they help each other deal with their respective failures.

Playing at the Roxy for a one-week run starting Friday is Sam De Jong’s Goldie (Film Movement), starring actress/model Slick Woods as the title character, a teenager in a family shelter pursuing her dreams of being a dancer while trying to keep her sisters together. This premiered at the Tribeca Film Festivallast year.

Oscilloscope (the distributor that brought you the cat doc Kedi) is doing something called “Cat Video Fest 2020,” which will take place at the Alamo in Brooklyn (although the Saturday screening is sold out there) and the Village East Cinema. This screening of pre-selected cat videos is also taking place at other cities throughout the country, and you can find out where right here.

REPERTORY

METROGRAPH (NYC):

This Friday, the Metrograph will debut its newest series “Climate Crisis Parabels,” a series of varied future shock films, this weekend with Robert Bresson’s The Devil, Probably (1977), Steven Spielberg’s 2001 film A.I.: Artificial Intelligence, Miyazaki’s Princess Mononoke (1999) (hosted by Naomi Klein Sunday afternoon, but also playing as part of the Playtime Family Matinees”) and Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner: The Final Cu ton Sunday night. “To Hong Kong with Love” also continues with screenings of Stanley Kwan’s Rouge (1987) and the 2016 film Raise the Umbrellas. The ongoing Welcome To Metrograph: Redux also continues with HarunFarocki’sdocumentary Before Your Eyes: Vietnam (1981).  This week’s Late Nites at Metrograph is another Japanese thriller, Hiroshi Teshigahara’s 1966 thriller The Face of Another, and the Metrograph’s Japanese love continues as Playtime: Family Matinees will also show Miyazaki’s Princess Mononoke from 1999.

ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE BROOKLYN (NYC)

Tonight’s “Weird Wednesday” is Ken Russell’s 1987 film Gothic, and this week’s “Kids Camp” offering is the 2006 animated Curious George with a special “pick your own price.” In preparation for the release of Emma. On Friday, the Alamo is doing a “Champagne Cinema” screening of the 2005 Pride and Prejudice, starring Keira Knightley, which unfortunately, is sold out already. (Waugh Waugh) Monday’s “Out of Tune” is the Prince film Under the Cherry Moon from 1986, which is also sold out. (Hey, Jeremy Wein, why don’t you tell me these things are going on sale so I can go!?!) Next week’s “Terror Tuesday” is the horror classic Candyman (1992), which is ALSO almost sold out and then we’re back to “Weird Wednesday” with next week’s offering, 1985’s soft-core actioneer Gwendoline.

If you’re one of those poor souls living in L.A., you can also go to see Don Coscarelli’s 2002 film Bubba Ho-Tep, starring Bruce Campbell, on Wednesday night or the 1986 Little Shop of Horrors on Thursday at the grand, new(ish) Alamo Drafthouse Cinema Downtown Los Angeles. Saturday afternoon is a matinee of Steven Soderbergh’s Out of Sight (1998), starring George Clooney and J-Lo and Saturday night, you can see Cassavetes’ Minnie and Moskowitz (1971), starring Seymour Cassel and Gena Rowlands. Monday night is Juliet Bashore’s 1986 Kamikaze Hearts, which looked into the X-rated SF underground of the ‘80s. The West Coast “Terror Tuesday” is Francis Ford Coppola’s 1992 film Bram Stoker’s Dracula, starring Keanu Reeves, Gary Oldman and Winona Rider!

THE NEW BEVERLY  (L.A.):

Wednesday’s afternoon matinee is the classical musical The Sound of Music (1965) and then Weds and Thurs night’s double feature is Robert Redford’sThe Hot Rock (1972) and Cops and Robber (1973). Friday’s matinee is the late Tony Scott’s The Hunger (1983) and then the Tarantino-pennedTrue Romance (1993, also directed by Scott), will play Friday midnight and Saturday’s midnight movie is the 1967 film Carmen, Baby. This weekend’s Kiddee Mattine is Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005). Monday’s matinee is Terrence Malick’s Badlands (1973) and the Monday night double feature is A Man for All Seasons(1966) and The Mission  (1986). Tuesday’s Grindhouse double feature is 1980’s Super Fuzz and 1977’s Death Promise, both in 35mm, of course.

EGYPTIAN THEATRE (LA):

Weds’ “Black Voices” movie is William Greaves’ 1968 film Symbiopsychotaxiplasm, and then on Friday night in the Spielberg Theater, you can see the 1913 film Traffic in Souls with live music as well as a couple shorts. The Japanese horror film Kwaidan(1965) will play in the normal theater. On Saturday, the Egyptian is presenting “Leigh Whannell’s Thrill-A-thon” a series of four films that helped to inspire Leigh Whannell’s The Invisible Man, which comes out next week with some great options worth seeing, including 1987’s Fatal Attraction, David Fincher’s 2014 film Gone Girl, Rob Reiner’s Stephen King adaptation Misery(1990) and the classic Aussie thriller Dead Calm(1989) starring Nicole Kidman … all for just 15 bucks!

AERO  (LA):

The AERO’s “Black Voices” film for Weds. is the great Stir Crazy, starring Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor, and then on Thursday afternoon, you can see Stanley Kubrick’s 1964 classicDr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb for $8 (free to Cinemateque members!) New restoration of the Russian film Come and See (also opening at the Film Forum in New York) will play on Saturday evening as part of the “Antiwar Cinema” series. Sunday’s double feature in that series is Kubrick’s Paths of Glory (1957) and the Russian film The Ascent (1977). Tuesday’s “Black Voices” matinee is Julie Dash’s Daughters of the Dust  (1991) and then Greg Proops will screen the 1996 film Ridicule as part of his Film Club podcast which precedes the film.

MOMA  (NYC):

Modern Matinees: Jack Lemmon continues through the end of the month with Mister Roberts (1955) on Weds., Billly Wilder’s Avanti (1972) and the classic (and one of my all-time faves) Some Like it Hot (1959) on Friday. This weekend also sees movies in the continuing “Theater of Operations” series, which will include Kathryn Bigelow’s Oscar-winning The Hurt Locker (2009) on Saturday afternoon and a bunch of docs including Werner Herzog’s 1992 film Lessons of Darkness on Sunday. Weds also kicks off “Television Movies: Big Pictures on the Small Screen” – pretty self-explanatory, I think – with 1953’s The Trip to Bountiful and 1955’s Tosca on Weds. and Sunday, 1967’s Present Laughter Thursday and Tuesday and more. (Click on the link for full schedule!) Following Film Forum’s focus on black actresses (for February, Black History Month, get it?) MOMA begins a  “It’s All in Me: Black Heroines” series with All By Myself: The Eartha Kitt Story and Julie Dash’s Illusions, both from 1982, on Thursday and many more running through March 5.

ANTHOLOGY FILM ARCHIVES (NYC):

The Anthology still has a few more films in its “Devil Probably: A Century of Satanic Panic” including Eric Weston’s Evilspeak (1981) tonight in 35mm, but also David Van Taylor will be at tonight’s screening of his 1991 film Dream Deceivers. I’ve never seen either of these, by the way. Robert Eggers’ The VVitch and Alan Parker’s Angel Heart screen one more time on Thursday night, as well. This weekend also begins a new series, “Dream Dance: The Films of Ed Emshwiller” but since I have no idea who that is, I have nothing further to add. (Sorry!)

NITEHAWK CINEMA  (NYC):

Williamsburgis showing David Lynch’s 1990 film Wild at Heart as part of its “Uncaged” series on Friday just after midnight and John Singleton’s Poetic Justice on Saturday morning as part of “California Love.” They’re also showing Rob Reiner’s The Princess Bride on Saturday morning for an “All-Ages Brunch Movie.”

FILM FORUM (NYC):

Elem Klimov’s 1985 Russian drama Come and See (Janus) will have a DCP restoration premiere at the Forum and Sunday afternoon will be a screening of the 1953 Mexican film El Corazon y La Espada in 3D. This weekend’s “Film Forum Jr.” is the 1953 pseudo-doc Little Fugitive.  Monday night is a screening of David Rich’s Madame X  (1966) introduced by actor/playwright Charles Busch.

IFC CENTER (NYC)

This weekend’s Weekend Classics: Luis Buñuel is the Mexican film The Exterminating Angel (1962), while Waverly Midnights: Hindsight is 2020s will screen Keanu Reeves’ Johnny Mnemonic and Late Night Favorites: Winter 2020is taking a surprising weekend off.

QUAD CINEMA (NYC):

Still waiting to see if Pandora and the Flying Dutchman continues through the weekend, as at this time (Monday), there is nothing repertory listed.

BAM CINEMATEK(NYC):

Horace Jenkins’ Cane River continues through Friday. Saturday night’s “Beyond the Canon” is a double feature of Ida Lupino’s The Hitch-Hiker(1953) and Malick’s Badlands (1973).

MUSEUM OF THE MOVING IMAGE (NYC):

This weekend’s “See It Big! Outer Space” offerings include1974’s Space is the Placeon Friday and 1924’s Aelita, Queen of Mars and the 1980 Flash Gordonscreening on Saturday and Sunday. As usual, 2001: A Space Odysseywill screen on Saturday afternoon as part of the ongoing exhibition.

ROXY CINEMA(NYC)

Weds’ Nicolas Cage movie is Martin Scorsese’s Bringing Out the Dead (1999) and then Thursday is a 35mm screening of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2012)!

LANDMARK THEATRES NUART  (LA):

Friday’s midnight movie is Who Killed Roger Rabbit (1988).

STREAMING AND CABLE

Let’s see what’s going on in the world of streaming this week, shall we?

Netflix is debuting Dee (Mudbound) Rees’ new movie THE LAST THING HE WANTED on the streaming service Friday, even though apparently, it opened in select cities last week, including New York’s Paris Theater, although it got such terrible reviewsout of Sundance, maybe Netflix didn’t want any more bad reviews before it begins streaming. Regardless, it stars Anne Hathaway, Willem Dafoe, Ben Affleck and Rosie Perez, and it’s based on Joan Didion’s novel about a D.C. journalist named Elena (Hathaway) who abandons her work on the 1984 campaign trail to run an errand for her father (Dafoe). I guess I’ll watch it when it’s on Netflix just like everyone else but my expectations have been suitably lowered.

The Jordan Peele-produced series “Hunters,” starring Al Pacino, which is about a group of Nazi hunters will hit Amazon Prime this Friday as well, and a new season of the popular series“Star Wars: The Clone Wars” will debut on Friday on Disney+, adding to the amazing amount of content already available on that network.

Next week, Saw and Insidious co-creator Leigh Whannell revamps The Invisible Man for Universal with Elisabeth Moss, and there’s also (supposedly) a movie call The Ride, which I know nothing about. You can guess which movie I’ll be focusing on.

By the way, if you read this week’s column and have read this far down, feel free to drop me some thoughts at Edward dot Douglas at Gmail dot Com or send me a note on Twitter. I love hearing from readers!

"HARRY DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE?!?!"

I could go on for days about the differences between the HP books and the movies (just ask my wife). 7 books, 8 movies, 4 directors, 2 screenplay writers, a myriad of actors or varying levels of talent, but this 1 line haunts every single Harry Potter fan. One comment about this line was "we're never going to get over this, are we?" That one comment sparked this post, which was originally meant to be a list of my least favorite movie moments and why.

But Harry Potter is my favorite subject, and my rant about this became a separate post to answer that rhetorical question.

Simply put, no, we're not going to get over it. But why won't we?

As with any adaptation, since the world isn't ready for a 10 hour movie based on 1 book, bits and pieces of the Harry Potter books needed to be cut out. (I'd be down for that movie, but I digress)

Things like the Draco/Pansy romance, Rita Skeeter being an unregistered Animagus, or winning the Quidditch cup ultimately don't have an impact on the plot of "evil wizard finds path to immortality, boy wizard must stop him with the help of his friends," so they can get cut pretty easily.

Even things like the Marauders' full moon adventures and creation of the Map, Umbridge setting the dementors on Harry, and Neville's parents' fate are secondary material, meant to give more weight to the main story:

- The world would still be in mortal danger without four teenagers creating a map of their school, but that map helped stop that danger;

- Umbridge would still be a cruel bitch if we hadn't known she sent the dementors, but that tidbit show her own demented state of mind and how far she'll go to get what she wants.

- and we'd still want Voldemort dead even if we'd never heard of Neville Longbottom, because we've seen the impact he had on Harry. The info about the Longbottoms just gives more depth to the characters involved.

But regardless of what they left out, the basics stayed the same: "evil wizard finds path to immortality, boy wizard must stop him with the help of his friends" continued, except the written version had more information than the visual. The fans already knew what was missing, so our brains filled it in for us. And leaving out that bit of info for the adaptation process allowed people who hadn't read the books to know what was going on and how the information fit together, even if they had less information than the fans.

(I think of the miniseries Chernobyl, when the general asks how a nuclear reactor works. He gets a bare bones explanation, and can parrot it back to his subordinates later. He might not me able to do the math or understand all of the technical jargon, but that simple explanation has given him enough info to get things going.)

As the movies progressed, we saw more and more get left out since the books only got longer, or more in depth, or both which each new addition, but no matter what, that skeleton was still there, "evil wizard finds path to immortality, boy wizard must stop him with the help of his friends." And the 'friends' part was even more accurate with supporting characters!

Hermione was the nerd from the books, Ron was the goofy best friend, Neville was the underdog, Draco was the bully!

Every single character was fitting their book counterparts perfectly, they just couldn't be as in depth in this medium!

Lucius was the oily bastard you knew he was, Sirius was the Godfather who wanted to be there but couldn't, Bellatrix was the psychotic fanatic who'd do anything to earn Voldemort's praise, Dumbledo--

And that's where the similarities stop.

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore is a lot of things: he's the Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot (the Wizard High Court), honoree of the highest medal of Honor possible for Wizards, one of the most notable contributors to the field of alchemy, and from what I understand a PHENOMENAL dancer.

He's human, and fallible like any other human, but he is definitely not stupid.

Just in book 1, before Ms. Rowling had even gotten into her stride as a storyteller, we see Dumbledore:

Send Harry to the safest place possible; watch over him as much as possible; send updated owls to Harry with every change of address; send Hagrid as the most friendly way to introduce Harry to his true world; Send Harry the invisibility cloak as a connection to his dad; say that he 'doesn't need a cloak to become invisible;' RETURN the cloak after Harry lost it; and turned around on his trip to London on some intuition, barely managing to save Harry's life.

While he might not be the warmest of people, probably due to a tendency to think too deeply, Dumbledore shows the strongest of power when he needs to fight, the quickest of words when he needs to talk, and what seems to be a clear sense of right and wrong (the waters get a little murky with that last one, but he stands up for what he sees is wrong, regardless of what he thought at 18), and a calm dignity, even while getting his feathers ruffled.

And that's exactly why this gets under our skin so much.

As fans of the books, we see Dumbledore do it all, in great detail. Even that infamous line is ended with "he asked CALMLY" (All Caps is my addition). We see Dumbledore:

-sit next to an 11-year old who nearly died recently and promise to some day tell him about the first time he nearly died as an infant AT THE HANDS OF THE SAME GUY... Calmly, because this is a conversation he's been dreading for years, so he's prepared.

- hire a clear fraud just to fill his staff; have two 12-year olds crash an illegal flying car into a living tree AND talk down the teacher that wanted to skin them alive; deal with an unknown threat that was attempting to kill his students; get forcibly removed from the school, only return ready to console grieving parents AND watch the same 12 year olds from earlier emerge from an unfindable chamber WITH the 11 year old who was thought to be dead....calmly, because he's lost loved ones, and he knows what it is to grieve.

- Hire a werewolf; keep that a secret from his students, their parents, and maybe even the government; and have two 13 year olds illegally time travel to save an animal an a convicted felon...calmly, because an innocent man's life is important.

- Host a death tournament specially designed to 'not kill;' and slowly watch a plot to revive to worst wizard ever unfold before his eyes....calmly, because he didn't have all of the information yet.

- Get slandered by the entirety of the government, and forcibly removed from his position in the Courts; have a government spy forced onto his staff; purposefully pissed her off; evade arrest and go on the lam...calmly, because he knows he's right, and the truth will out. THEN come back, fight every Death Eater in the ministry, fight Voldemort, convince the government not to arrest him, then talk Harry through his Godfather's death....calmly, because he knows he messed up, he even says that Harry show be so much angrier, and 'please, by all means, destroy my possessions'.

- Find out he's dying; find out there's a hit on him; recruit an old colleague, and use Harry as a means to reveal a crucial part of Voldemort's past, which he's been teaching to Harry all year; find a horcrux as well as pass on as much info about them as possible; AND get psychologically tortured mere moments before being murdered....

- AND, postmortem, we find out that Dumbledore has been playing pretty much everybody, but especially Harry....calmly, because for once, it really was "the greater good."

But he was fun loving too, maybe childishly so due to the fact that he had to grow up so fast.

- Some of His first words after Harry starts school are, "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! And tweak!"

- He did what was best for the school AND Firenze by hiring the centaur, but he clearly enjoyed shoving it in Umbridge's face.

- and let's not forget the night he picked Harry up front Privet Drive. He obviously made those glasses hit the Dursleys as some small payback for how they treated Harry.

That's Dumbledore. Serious, wise, and seriously wise, with a penchant for mischief.

The movie Dumbledore gave none of that, especially with that terrible, terrible reading of that line.

That one line changed the entire character of Albus Dumbledore. Instead of the cool, calm, and collected man he always was, he lost control. In front of his foreign and governmental guests nonetheless. That would never happen to Dumbledore. He's seen the signs, and can tell something is up. That's WHY he hired "Mad-Eye."

Even that stupid Christmas scene added to the HBP movie, as much as I freaking HATE it, doesn't CHANGE anything. The Death Eaters attack and for some reason burn the house down. Boo hoo. Nobody gets hurt, nobody dies, the house is back to normal the next movie. No big deal. They just wanted to add to the drama some, instead of the usual deduction from the cuts.

This change is why we hate SO many other adaptations, or "cuts" as they call them.

-Those of us who are old enough to remember will freaking riot over the "Han shot first" argument, because we knew that there was no way in hell Han would sit and let Greedo take a shot at him, ESPECIALLY since they freaking showed it first, then changed it later.

-It's why we all hate M. Night. Shyamalan's fucking guts, because he took the single greatest cartoon masterpiece ever created, and tried to make it better. The one scene that sticks out to me is when they're trying to escape the earth-bending prison camp. First, they had to be removed from the land entirely, or their pride would cause a rebellion instantly; second, 6 benders did what we see Toph do her first lesson as a blind toddler. Unlike Lucas, Shyamalan wasn't trying to appease anyone. He just wanted a name for himself, so he decided to take on the most popular cartoon ever. Pass or fail, he has that fame now.

Some of the fault might lie with the director, or possibly even the actor himself. Michael Gambon is a respected actor, and probably had a sense for how the character would play, even if that sense might not have been based in the books. Couple that with multiple directors by this point, multiple actors having playing Dumbledore, and the books still gradually coming out, and the information and range for the character of Dumbledore might have been quite limited.

And let's not forget those cuts that needed to be made. With a shorter story comes a need to get the information across faster.

Instead of mulling it over for a moment while the rest of the group argues (and probably for a good year or so by this point), and calmly asking Harry if he entered himself in the tournament, the quick explosion both saves time by cutting the opening argument AND gives the audience a cue for suspense. They know something is wrong NOW, and they don't know what, but they'll find out as the people on screen do.

Personally, I believe that this system can be broken by a rather simple solution: TV show.

Instead of one movie, each book gets one Season, and every couple chapters or so gets an episode. I foresee problems as we get to the later books as opposed to the early one, since they start getting thick AF with GoF.

But I think the pros outweigh the cons.

-The locations for HP are actually incredibly limited. They pretty much go back and forth between the same dozen locations all seven books, so you could make sets to switch out whenever needed, and just reuse the exact same sets for seven straight years, with little to no change in between.

- We have all of the books now, and then some, and then some extra BS on top of that, and the plethora of headcanon out there, so we have more than enough information for every single thing about this place, excluding literal physical dimensions. Find a kid who looks like Harry, another actor who can flawlessly pull off Snape, and some old guy who wants to be goofy sometimes, and you've got gold.

- We could actually include the minor characters too. Peeves could pop in and out every few episodes, Dobby can play the role he was meant for, Kreacher can exist as more than 3 lines. The vanishing cabinet could actually be introduced in year 2, then addressed in Year 5, then revealed properly in year 6. Moaning Myrtle has her scenes, Bill Weasley has his, Tonks could be the most important female character besides Hermione or Ginny.....

Anyway, you get the picture. This whole thing was inspired by one comment, and I've been working on this for almost 6 hours now. Pretty sure I've worked harder in this post than any papers in high school...

Hollywood, if by some miracle you see this, I'll totally be a screen writer for the Harry Potter TV show. In the meantime, goodnight.

it’s  elle  with  another  muse  ,  jocelyn  .  please  excuse  her  theme  right  now  ,  i’ll  have  more  time  later  to  make  it  look  pretty  ( same  with  mina’s  blog  tbh ).

    [ MUSE 89 ] ●● is that SONG YUQI? no, that’s just JOCELYN ‘JOSS’ HUANG, the 16 year old CISFEMALE who is a HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR. some say they’re DEFEATIST & SECRETIVE, but their family and friends will swear they’re COMPASSIONATE & ECCENTRIC. when i think of them, i think of wild wavy hair, bright colored blouses, oversized sweaters that keep you warm and safe in a cold winter, make up products falling off her vanity and constant typos in text messages. i wonder if HER family knows that SHE’S BEEN STEALING MONEY FROM THEM. ●● ( elle && 21 && gmt && she/her )

jocelyn was born to a chinese immigrant single mother in washington. she never had much but the woman made sure to do everything in her power to provide for her daughter. being a single mother alone in a foreign country was difficult and frightening but the woman knew it was the best thing for her daughter.

a lot of babysitters in their teens would watch her whilst her mother went to work. it was in these times that she picked up a little basic english. she was only young but would find herself speaking back to them. her mother spoke mandarin to her so this is the first language she learned. she didn’t have much need to actually understand people who spoke english when she was younger but would need it as time went on.

everything changed when she was six and her mother wasn’t breathing one morning. no matter how hard she tried to wake her up, the woman wouldn’t and this frightened her. she remembered to call the ambulance and was pronounced dead. her mother had a heart attack in her sleep so she had died during the night. jocelyn kept asking when she was going to wake up but she would soon learn that never was the answer. however, she likes to think that the woman is still with her.

going into the foster system at six was hard. she was still at the age where people would want to adopt her but she thought it was very strange. as a child, she would often tell prospective parents that her mother was coming to see her and she once refused to go on a day out with a couple because she felt like she was betraying her mother. the carers were concerned so took her to a therapist once but didn’t have the funding to keep it up.

joss was one of those children that lived in her own head a lot. the girl had an amazing imagination, one that ran away with her sometimes and she also loved to paint. the staff were so kind to let her paint freely on the wall on her bottom bunk. whenever it got full, she could just decide what she didn’t like and painted over it to start again. sometimes she wouldn’t be able to decide so did drawings and then stuck them up on the paintings to create more layers.

this kept her as happy as could be but backfired on her when she was fostered by a family and ended up drawing on their walls. disgusted with her, they turned aggressive and brought her back to the group home.

as time went on, she longed to be with a family more and more but they would always bring her back. she never tried to be something she wasn’t. she was creative, loud as she always wanted to put on a show of one of the stories she had written but adults were either not interested or the rest of the children in the house would bully her for it.

she had to learn to stand on her own two feet. instead of crumbling, she took a leadership role in the home and was the figure that the younger children would come to. joss was always one to tell a good story and it made them love her. it caused her to grow up in a way as the young ones depended on her to raise their spirits but they also raised hers.

it was very upsetting for her when they would get fostered or adopted. some would unfortunately come back but some, she never saw again. she was happy for them but slightly jealous as she thought that she had run out of chances.

she had been placed with another family but felt like she was only going to disappoint them; she started taking any loose cash around the house and storing it in a box in her backpack, making sure to distribute it to her school locker. joss could see it not working and she wanted to save so that she could get out of there. her foster father caught her stealing ten dollars out of his son’s jeans and it got physical. she picked up her bag and ran, thanking herself that she had done it as she would have been out of money.

it lasted her two days until she ran out and a kind woman picked her up from off the street and gave her a nice meal. the care workers came to pick her up. of course it was twisted but she definitely didn’t want to go back there.

she always tried really hard at school to better herself but it was very difficult for her to get help if she was unsure with so many other kids in her house. she was defeatist as she felt like she was at a disadvantage. she’s the type to frequently give up but pick herself up and try again.

after the mess of her previous home, she never thought that she’d find a home, a family. however, the townsends’ were taken in by her big heart and expressive presence that they couldn’t resist. she settled in rather well with them and no one ever tried to hurt her.

the move to ashcroft definitely upset her version of normalcy. in her experience, bad things would happen when they moved and she really hoped that this wouldn’t be a negative experience for her.

joss was never the most popular person at any of the schools she had ever gone to. she never had time to get friendships and the other children did think her outlook was a little odd. she seems all airy-fairy most of the time, spending too much time in her art and not caring what others think of her. however, there’s definitely a backlash as some have started picking on her for being ‘different’ ;  she prefers to live in her fantasy land than experience anything unpleasant. 

having these situations at school has caused her to feel more insecure about her place within the family. she knows that the two women love her and she’s so grateful but her past experiences make her feel like they can turn their backs on her at any point. she was never one for stealing but things changed her view on it at the old foster home; if she hadn’t have had that money, she didn’t know what she would have done.

the thing about joss is that she will never feel comfortable asking for money as it is, so she has started to take money again from her family. whether it’s to get a new shirt that people will find interesting at work, money to get an ice cream outside of school when they’re on sale, there will always be the possibility of them turning on her at the back of her head and this is her main motivation.

if she does something wrong, she automatically assumes that she will have no second chances and so gives up on the subject. if that were to happen with her family, she would be completely alone again and this time, they would not put her back in care as she’s over the age of 16. she would be by herself and needs money if she’s going to do that.

of course, she feels the sense of guilt that she didn’t with the other family; the townsends’ are good people and the other kids are like her, the ones that were given a very last chance; she doesn’t want to hurt them. however, there’s something inside her that tells her to be wary and this is her taking precautions.

joss is very loyal, if you do befriend her at school, she will love you to the ends of the earth. yes, she’s clingy like that but an amazing friend to have. she has no problems sticking up for people as she’s had no one up until now in her corner ready to fight for her and she doesn’t want anyone to feel like that.

she wears a moon charm necklace around her neck that was her mother’s and this is her most prized possession. if she misplaces it somewhere, expect a full on freak out from her.

she’s in the drama club, choir (an alto) and is still very passionate about the arts in general. joss has always felt at home being her creative side, even if it does make her a little rebellious at times but she’s never out to hurt anyone.

as joss has been on her own for so long, she can get very defensive so be prepared for that if someone criticises her.

when something is wrong, she’s one to carry on like nothing’s happened and reverts back to her very ‘happy’ personality. she would prefer that than break down and people feel sorry for her. she keeps secrets but doesn’t feel like they’re worth mentioning.

deep down, she knows that her stealing habits come from a place of insecurity but doesn’t want to admit it because she’s scared of it getting ugly... she loves her family as much as she loves her art and she’s scared that they won’t want anything more to do with her.

Wan High Weeping (Part 7)

Suki looked herself over, once and then twice until her image seemed satisfactory. She let out a long breath, another long day was in store for her. Things were rough these days. School was never an easy feat between the workload and the bullies. But these days it was a difficulty twice over.

 Not for the first time in the past three months, she cursed Sokka. She cursed him for putting her in her current position and then taking off to college without a regard for her.

He was on his way to success, wholly unburdened and she was hindered to the fullest and hadn’t an inkling as to how to approach the situation.

 Doctor visit after doctor visit couldn’t tell her the direction to take once the baby was squirming in her arms.

 Again, she considered terminating the pregnancy.

Abortion, but that was such an ugly word, she didn’t like to say it… even if it was a plan she was seriously contemplating.

 She groans to herself, rubbing her hands over her face. She would ask how this had possibly happened but she knew. She knew exactly what happened. It was steamy and sexy and a wildly good time. One of the best nights she had, had. But God, did that blissful might have a price. And that price was kicking and wiggling and generally making her feel nauseous.

She ran her hand up and down her belly, trying to soothe the babe before it could turn her stomach completely upside down.

 She didn’t have time for this; school started in a half an hour and she had a twenty-minute drive to get there on a good day and she need a solid ten minutes to dress and have breakfast.

 She groaned again, to herself. This baby would be the death of her. She had push through though. Before that summer she had been at the top of her class, on par with Azula and Katara. She wasn’t going to let her ‘happy’ little accident reap that from her.

 Suki stood and stretched, deciding that she better get to it with her morning routine. She winced as she worked out a knot in her back; she was only four months in and it was already killing her. She had a quick breakfast and gathered her school supplies. She didn’t bother shouting a goodbye to her parents, they had long since stopped exchanging pleasantries like that.

All in all, she felt like an outcast in her own home.

 She missed the days when her parents would praise her for her stellar grades and fiery drive. Missed the days when they would make small talk over dinner. Missed the days when they saw her as responsible and worth paying attention to.

 It brought tears to her eyes to think that they would so quickly write her off for one simple mistake. For doing something that was so natural. Most everyone has sex. She didn’t think that it made her any less mature and intelligent for having it too. They probably had it in their teenage years. And yet they condemned her for it.

She dabbed the tears away.

She thought of calling out an, ‘I’ll see you guys after school.’ But she can’t get the words past the lump in her throat. So she hastily scrambled out the door and to her car. By the time she buckled herself in, she was reduced to an all out bawl, cursing her hormones for being all out of whack.

 .oOo.

 It really did speak volumes that her peers treated her with more tact than her own parents, especially given that Wan High had a reputation for drama and unkind words. It was strange how supportive most of her classmates were.

 Her softball teammates, in particular, were taking it well. They offered her gifts that ranged from jokes—a shirt that read ‘beware, kicking baby’ and an application to the TV show, ‘Diapers or Diplomas’—to more serious ones—baby booties and pajamas.

She enjoyed them all really. Even coach Kyoshi was taking it well. Even though Suki could no longer part-take, coach invited her to watch the game and cheer her teammates on. And then she would be invited to the after-game celebrations as though she’d been in the game still. For the second time, her eyes welled with tears, these ones of the happier, gracious variety.

 She took a seat and waited for Mr. Patik to enter and start prattling on about the importance of beind bilingual—granted she agreed with him, she just wished he would stop talking about it and start teaching them a second language.

Hellbent on proving that she was still at the top of her classes, Suki whipped out her pencil and began taking notes, even on those tangents that Patik was prone to going on.

 The call proceeded with no hiccups. The first wave of in-school dizziness didn’t hit until she was on her way to lunch. She broke away from the crowd and hunched over in the first unoccupied corner she could find. She waited for the spell to pass with a throbbing head an aching back. She eyed her load of textbooks with a large degree of venom. She wanted to think that she could carry on like normal, but maybe she was overdoing it in carrying all of those books around.

 She truly didn’t want to pick them back up, but she had to. She gathered them up and got to her feet, doing her best to make her way to the cafeteria. It was a disorienting, borderline painful walk, a one minute long trip that seemed to take ten times that.

By the tie she seated herself at her lunch table, she was red-faced and out of breath. And lordy, was she hungry. The baby was attacking her on all fronts, that day. Apparently french fries was that day’s craving, but she hadn’t packed any and she hadn’t brought any spare change to buy some.

 “French fries?” Katara offered as she dropped into her seat.

 “Oh, God Katara, you’re a lifesaver.” She grabbed a handful of fries and hesitated. “How many can I steal?”

 Katara laughed. “All of them, the school’s fries are gross and covered in grease.”

 “I think most french fries are.” Suki noted. But right now that didn’t really matter, she grabbed them up without remorse. “The baby says thank you.” She laughed. It felt good to laugh and make light of a heavy situation.

 “Does Suki also say thanks?” Katara laughed along.

 Her face went jokingly sour, “not at all, Suki is to pregnant and grumpy for gratitude.” She shoveled down a few more fries before asking, “is today going any better for you?”

 Katara shook her head. “Not really. Well, since you’ve gotten back to school, it’s been at least a little better.”

 Suki finished swallowing and smiled. “Just give me some names and I’ll show them.”

 Katara eyed the baby bump. “I don’t think so. Until that baby is born, you’re going to have to resist hunting jocks.”

 Suki folded her arms over her chest. That was just one more reason to resent her predicament. She really, really wanted to knock some jocks on their asses. She knew at least two who could use a good pop.

 Katara’s face sobered, “promise me that you’ll take it slow, I don’t want the baby to get hurt.”

 Perhaps it was the hormones again, or maybe she really did have a solid reason to be upset, either which way her face went warm with anger. “What about Suki!?” She snapped. “Everyday, everyone always asks, ‘what about the baby, what about the baby?’ Doesn’t anyone care of Suki gets hurt!?”

 Katara flinched, causing Suki to wince too, immediately she regretted the outburst.

 “Of course, I care if you get hurt. But I already know that you can handle yourself and power through things, I’m not so sure about the baby.” Katara replied softly, reminding Suki that there was a whole lunchroom of people waiting for new material to discuss. Boy had she given it to them.

 “Sorry, I don’t know where that came from.” She apologized.

 “No sleep. Too much kicking. I understand.” Katara smiled. “How about we talk about something else? The Directions just released some new music!”

 Katara always did know the right things to say.

Maybe that kind of thing ran in the family.

 .oOo.

 Katara wasn’t there though, when she sat alone in her room listening to her parents argue about who exactly rose their daughter wrong and who was to blame for her going out and getting herself pregnant. Surely it was her mother for not giving her the birds and bees talk. But, no, clearly it was her father’s fault for not doing the whole, intimidating, ‘dads against daughters dating’ spiel with Sokka.

 She tried to block it out with some translating. Foreign language was her favorite class thus far, she genuinely enjoyed it. Running over all of the words took at least some focus off of the shouting match down the hall. But there were only so many questions on one work sheet and she was running out of them.

 So she sent Sokka another quick text, this one was about how school was going for her.

Decent.

It was going decent. Normally it would be going good or splendid, but this year it was only going decent. She told him about the new dress she found at a thrift store—it was rather cute as far as maternity dresses went.

 She knew that he would reply to that one and he would keep replying unless she mentioned that it was a maternity dress and that her year was only going decent because she had a kicking baby to hinder her. He always seemed to go silent when she brought up their baby.

 On one occasion she had asked what he wanted to name it. She had expected at least an, ‘I don’t know, I’m not good with naming, you pick it’, or something of the sort. But he had ignored the text entirely. Over an hour later he texted her about his day at school.

Any time she brought the baby up, he would change the subject.

 It must be nice to be able to skip off to a higher end university and pretend like nothing was amiss. She loved Sokka with all of her soul, but he was no dad. At this point it was all about finding the right words to break his heart with.

August 20, 2018 - Open

Looking back, I am actually surprised I was as open and vulnerable as I have been these last few posts. I hid a lot in. I bottled it up. In the moment, it seemed so natural. Now that this part of myself has surfaced, it seems so foreign to be open about anything.

Even as I type this, my throat randomly started hurting for the last hour. I started coughing. I guess it’s time for me to open up. Truthfully, these feelings surprised me too. I think I didn’t realize I felt this way back then either. They were just there, and I was numb.

I have been pondering on why I manifest drama in my life. It is very unlike someone like me to be involved in drama at all. I am so chill and go with the flow. I normally smile at drama and move along.

However, I manifested the most dramatic person I have ever met in my entire life in a romantic relationship. I know she mirrored me, so I have been pondering on what this truly meant.

At first, it sounded like a foreign concept. Me? Dramatic? I literally hear about suicide and depression on a daily basis and don’t bat an eye. I see the most violent, aggressive, hurtful things on social media, and it doesn’t faze me at all. I react so calmly to angry or aggressive people.

However, my relationship was filled with so much unnecessary drama. It felt like she wanted to start drama for the fun of it. It almost seemed like she liked the attention. It seemed like the liked the thrill of it. I meditated on this and got some answers.

For one, I was a very dramatic person before my conscious journey. In my family life, I complained about everything. I was the pickiest eater ever. Part of me relates that to my mom. She was very particular about things. My dad was also a big critic. I feel like complaints have been a core part of my experience. I don’t really know what it means to be in at peace externally. This part of me doesn’t know what it means to be at peace internally. It has experienced strife its entire life (ironically, the last card in my tarot readings was “Rest From Strife”).

In high school, I was very dramatic. In fact, I often enjoyed being at the center of the drama. The drama I was apart of wasn’t the relationship kind of drama. It wasn’t related to my relationships with people necessarily. Rather, I was more into the publicly embarrass you on Twitter type of drama.

I was known for this. People even feared me. Some called me a legend. Some hated me.

I have vivid memories of certain things that I did. These memories were when I went too far. To me, it was all fun and games. However, I remember seeing the look on this girl’s face when she saw me the next day. She hated me so much. I had teamed up with one of my friends to “expose” her on Twitter.

I think part of myself felt justified. Some of these people really were bullies. I put them in their place. I never really picked on anyone who I thought was truly innocent.

I did this for three years. It only made sense that I would experience three years of unnecessary drama in my relationship.

I bullied people for three years. It only made sense that I got bullied for three years in my relationship.

I pushed everyone away for three years. It only made sense that I would get pushed away for three years in my relationship.

I watched myself self-sabotage for three years. It only made sense that I would watch my significant other self-sabotage for three years.

I think part of me enjoyed the drama. For once, I got the attention I always wanted from my family. I finally felt heard. The entire school heard me and feared me. The power of feeling heard was very real to me.

I think I also enjoyed the drama because it was an escape from my routine lifestyle. Rather, it wasn’t my daily choices themselves that were routine. It was the mask I wore was boring to me. I sought out ways to make it fun or adventurous or interesting. People-pleasing really is so fucking boring.

I watched my ex try so hard to please others for three years at the expense of our relationship. I watched myself try so hard to please others for three years at the expense of my relationship with myself.

Part of me likes how messy and chaotic drama can be. I think I liked it because for once, my external reality matched my internal reality. For once, I felt like I had a valid reason to feel the way I did inside. For once, I felt like others could feel what I felt for so long.

For so long, I felt like a broken mess inside. I felt a dark chaos inside of me. I was so scared of ever confronting it though. I bottled it up and threw it in the ocean that is my subconscious. I tied weights to it and hoped it would sink to the very bottom. It did.

I had to dive to the bottom of my subconscious to uncover it.

Inside the bottle, I find the familiar dark chaos. I find the familiar feelings of helplessness. I find some familiar memories. I find memories of me surrounded by people and feeling lonely. I find memories of me at the wildest parties and feeling so numbingly depressed. I find memories of me so afraid to be my true self. I remember caring so much what key people in my life thought of me. Many of those memories involved girls. I was “close” friends with so many girls, and all of those friendships faded.

I find the familiar feeling of abandonment. I find the familiar feeling of wanting to runaway. I find the familiar feeling of wanting to cut everyone off. I find the familiar feeling of feeling so misunderstood. I was living a lie.

I am a scorpio sun and moon. For a scorpio to suppress its emotions is the fastest way to self-destruct. It will stop at nothing to feel those emotions in the most intense way possible. It will stop at nothing.

I always loved The Weeknd’s music. I could always feel the pain in his music. It reminded me of that inner chaos.

I am going to feel it now. Perhaps I will write some more after that.

Well I felt it. I felt it a lot. It was incredible. A lot of ugly crying for so long, lying on the floor of my shower. It was incredible. Truly. Wow. A lot of truth uncovered.

I was raging in my apartment. It was triggered by thoughts and feelings about my ex. I quickly released it in whatever way it wanted to come out. By the time I hit the shower, I had my sacral chakra playlist on shuffle, and the anger was fading. I could feel the sadness.

I distinctly remember saying, “I hate that I love you” many times. I’m sure that “I hate you” always means “I hate that I love you” in some way. At first, it was about my ex. Then it was about me. What happened?

Once again, I realized how my relationship with my ex mirrored me.

I was attached to my ex because she mirrored my inner crazy. I thought she was beautiful though. I loved her for who she was despite her feeling like nobody would ever love her for who she truly was, hence why she hid herself from everyone. Even when she revealed herself to me, she became secretly afraid that I would suddenly abandon her like she abandons herself every day trying to please others.

I released my attachment to my ex in loving my inner crazy.

As I did this, I found the most beautiful person ever. I found the most beautiful mind. I found so much beauty. I was blown away. How crazy did I have to be to judge this part of myself as crazy? I was no longer numb. I could finally feel again. I could feel what I have done to help others. It was incredible. I could finally feel all of the things I have ever done. Wow. I am such an amazing person, truly. I inspire myself. I love myself so much, I even wrote myself a love letter. I posted the last part of the letter on my blog as well. The love letter could easily apply to my ex in that it mirrored all of the ways that she loved me. She loved me so much, so much.

I picked up on so much mirroring. Most of this was in the initial sadness I felt as I first stepped in the shower.

Initially, I thought about how it was so blatantly obvious she was running from herself. I thought about how she is trying to act like I never existed in every way possible. That mirrored the way I treated this part of myself. I tried to act like it never existed in every way possible. I felt so much sadness from this part of myself from that.

My ex really had no issues with the relationship literally a week before. She was so happy. However, fear made her suddenly self-sabotage. The same applied to me. This part of myself that I cut off and judged as crazy was never crazy at all. There were literally no issues with my relationship with it. It was perfect, but I cut it off suddenly out of fear. Our relationship was amazing in so many ways.

My ex is trying to replace me but it would never work. I filled all of her voids. I gave her every bit of love she could ever desire. I loved her in every way that a person needs to be loved in order to find inner peace. I opened her up to new dimensions of consciousness. I helped her out of her most destructive times. She was flourishing. I showed her the beauty of life. I helped her learn so many things like how to stand up for herself, how to say no to manipulative/controlling people, how to feel her emotions, how to form genuine connections with people, how to rebuild her relationship with her family, how to appreciate the parts of herself that she judged as crazy, how to forgive herself for her most shameful behaviors, etc. Now, she is likely seeking out people on social media. I noticed that the lonelier she felt, the more she replied to people’s stories on Snapchat and Instagram. I even noticed how when she wasn’t getting attention from me, she would seek out attention from other men. I noticed how when she wasn’t with me, she would settle for the most surface level, empty interactions with people. She would act like it was fulfilling, but it never was, not like her interactions with me at least.

The same applied to this part of myself. It gave me everything. EVERYTHING. It literally exposed me to higher dimensions of consciousness, and it still didn’t feel like it was enough. I literally cut it off. It completely changed my life, and I cut it off like the coward I was, just like my ex. Incredible. I had the nerve to call it crazy. Was I not crazy for repeatedly cutting off the best thing in my life for years? I tried to replace it. I even tried to use my ex to replace it. It worked for 3 years. That’s how beautiful my ex was inside and out. However, before my ex, I had settled for so much empty, surface level stuff. I settled for surface level interactions that could not possibly fill the void. I did this so much. I settled for mediocre content and activities and relationships that could never replace this part of myself, not even close.

My ex is all about self-care now apparently. I was annoyed because that is so hypocritical of her. How can you talk about self-care, but you just cut off the person who enhanced your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health/well-being in so many ways? That sounds a whole lot like self-sabotage.

The same applied to me. How could I post about self-care tips on my Twitter, but I was still cutting off the part of myself that enhanced all of those parts of my life? I was a hypocrite.

I felt so sad that nobody would help me with my ex. She was so obviously running away and self-sabotaging. She obviously still loved me so much. This was the 5th time she has done this. Everybody acted like it was healthy. Everybody acted like pretending like I never existed was healthy, as if I was not the most important person in her entire life.

Then I realized that they were running away just as much. The way she framed the breakup to people made them think she was doing it in a healthy way. No, you actually had to be present to notice the signs. If you listened to her on the surface, you would never bat an eye.

The same applied to me. This part of me felt the exact same way. It felt so alone. It felt so hopeless. It felt like nobody would listen to it or help it. I was so obviously self-sabotaging, and nobody else would help because they were running away just as much. This reminded me a lot of high school. I was literally exposing people’s worst secrets on Twitter, and nobody around me said anything. I was so obviously depressed. It was obviously a huge cry for help. I was so depressingly numb and empty. Everybody else in my friend group was numb and empty too. They just laughed and thought it was funny. We just continued on, just like my ex is doing. Her friends probably think it’s not a big deal at all.

What they don’t realize is that my ex will literally not progress in life until she reconnects with the part of herself she cut off. She irrationally cut me off, blocked me on everything, and acted like I never existed. She cut off so many forms of love that she was dependent on me for. This part of herself she cut off, the part of herself mirrored by me, is so important for her well-being. Without it, she will surely experience a downward spiral. Anyone who knows this and doesn’t do anything about it cannot call themselves her friend. It is the same as passively watching someone with an extremely unhealthy addiction.

Speaking of which, I realized that when we become deeply attached to people, they become more like drugs to us. They are just a way for us to feel a certain way. We no longer see them as people. We see them as another way to avoid ourselves.

Anyhow, life is so fucking amazing. I love you all. I am going to spend more time with this part of myself. I missed this so much.

I've just been idly looking fics from One-Punch Man fandom in Archive of Our Own site. Initially inside the tags of SaiGenos pairing, unintentionally I found many amusing tags about Amai Mask, and this was only from the first page. So I decided to click Amai Mask tag and I search every amusing tags about him.

Out of 87 Works (and probably more) in Amai Mask | Sweet Mask tag, these are the tags I found:

#Amai Mask is a dick or amai is a dick

#Amai Mask is a jackass

#Amai Mask is rich and a bully

#Amai Mask is a little shit (twice)

#arrogant Amai (OK, this is right sometimes but not always)

#Sweet Mask & Tornado are the worst customers (they probably would, but I don’t think they would be rude without reason, for example Tatsumaki: probably she would be rude and pissed out if she gets poor service or feels belittled)

#Amai Mask is a creeper and I stand by that

#Sweet Mask is awful

#Sweet Mask is a douche bag

Wow, so many hate tags about him. Okay well, Amai first appearance both in manga and in anime was not bad at all, just a normal high rank hero and probably also serves as Public Relation in Hero Association. In Anime, Amai calmly congratulated Genos for became an S-Class Hero (he wasn’t even provoked by Genos’ cold nature when the later thought that Amai intended to bully him) and in manga, he accepted Saitama’s promotion to B-Class. Amai ‘s bad impression began to show during Chapter 36 (Punch 36) “Crash” right after Saitama defeated Boros and the S-Class Heroes defeated his minions. Amai came late yet he berates the S-Class heroes for not preventing City A's destruction, even though there was nothing they could have done to prevent it, Atomic Samurai was even pointing out that they only knew of the threat after they got out of the Hero Association HQ and found the city already in shambles. Amai’s attitude not only infuriated the S-Class Heroes but also the readers as well ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). Later Amai mercilessly executed some Boros’ remaining minions (who were weak and ready to surrender) and Genos commented that Amai is similar to himself, except that Amai has absolutely no compassion or empathy for the monsters, not even the ones that have surrendered. Some chapters later, Amai was shown defeating a monster (Suppon) mercilessly and got cheered by his fans.

Besides AO3’s hate tags about him, previous reddit survey from OPM section granted him the “Worst Girl” title (based on the poll): 10k Hero Special Survey - RESULTS!!!

And look how TV Tropes describes him, even though the description straightly follows the canon story without any fabrication, the words they used are heavily hinted their dislike to his character XD.

I wonder, just a scene of him being an asshole in the redrawn manga, many people already deem him as unredeemable character, despite other chapters didn’t show him as douchebag. Some fics portrayed him as being normally rude to everyone, cocky and thinking like he is above/better than everyone. I think, Amai is one of many characters that many people misunderstand about him. This doesn’t mean that I’m okay or support what he said in Chapter 36 (when he berated about the S-Class Heroes’ failure), but instead of him just being unreasonable asshole or narcissist, I think what makes him said that is because he is such perfectionist person (his profile in databook also mentioned this). Amai is workaholic, perfectionist and professional to his jobs; FYI that he is a professional hero, a recording artist, a model, and a TV star.  In his drama CD “Amai Mask’s Super Sweet Anguish”, it told the story during his early career, when he was having the first concert of his dome tour, despite his perfect appearance, he has an internal struggle due to the pressure he experiences every time before his live concerts. He has his usual ritual by going to the toilet to give himself a mental pep talk. One day, Amai had a problem and somewhat lost an idea to give the title of his new released song, Saitama accidentally entered the same toilet with Amai who the former thought that he was taking forever with his business. Long story short, Saitama calmed him down and (again) accidentally gave him great idea and finally Amai dropped the title of his new song. Amai who probably thought Saitama as a random crew greatly thanked him for it. So, while being perfectionist and has very high standard to his career, Amai is still a human who might have a moment of weakness sometimes. While normally being arrogant and rude, he doesn’t always behave that way to everyone (perhaps to certain people who he thinks annoying), also he could still feel grateful and thank to the person who helped him. Recent Special Chapter “Star” showed him being professional and perfectionist, Amai was performing a concert with a band in a concert stadium but was interrupted by the arrival of mysterious beings. Not wanting to ruin his concert, Amai continued his show (singing & dancing) while toying with the mysterious beings before eliminating them with a swift slice and uppercut, the audiences believed that it was part of the show. Amai was working well as a performer and as a hero, no one got hurt or scared and the concert was incredible success. The special chapter also showed what he was thought that he loves and appreciates his fans and the crews who helped him, this means that he won’t randomly rude to every person.

When Amai held such high standard to his career, he also expects the other to fulfill his high standard. This what makes his words seem bad and wrong in Chapter 36, he should know that not everyone could reach his standard because everybody has different talent, skills and pace of progression. Also his fault was that he refused to listen and didn’t want to understand what really happened before his late arrival, he ignored Atomic Samurai’s explanation/or perhaps he listened but didn’t believe it since he was too concerned about heroes’ professionalism and public views about them than observing and understanding the situation (I understand it since he acts as PR to HA). I think his disappointment made him overreacted and belittled the heroes, saying that their failure made them unworthy of being in the S-Class. This means that what is currently being shown about him and what I take for his character is that Amai is a workaholic, love his jobs as hero and entertainer, has very high standard to his career (and expects the others to follow his standard), despite this, he is still a human who might have a moment of weakness sometimes. While normally being arrogant and rude, he doesn’t always behave that way to everyone (perhaps to certain people who he thinks annoying), also he could still feel grateful and thank to the person who helped him. Amai really despises the evil (in his views) and would eliminate it with no mercy, very concerns about public view, would be harsh to the person who fails his expectation and (what people tend to forget) loves his fans and greatly appreciates the work of the crews that helped him perform and anyone who doesn’t fail in his eyes/disappoint him, he has his dark side but won’t randomly show it to random people.

He is not so positive but also not entirely negative as a character.

Edited!! Addition from reblogged:

I just re-watched episode 12 (S1E12). When everyone agree that Amai was being an asshole, I could see why he was late and didn’t immediately went to city A to save the world. As Metal Bat responded Amai’s criticism that the later himself was very late, Amai reasoned that since many S-class heroes already gathered in A city, he assumed that they were supposedly capable to handle the threat. He likely thought that perhaps his assistance wasn’t really needed and that’s why he didn’t rush to the spot but cared enough to observe the situation afterwards. He might be not as heroic as Mumen Rider who loves to handle every monsters with any threat levels despite only being C-Class hero or Tatsumaki who loves to chase every monsters and will get bored if not fighting them, but he has reasonable mindset like most people in general. My example of similar mindset is like this: I am an English interpreter, I was on my business trip in neighboring city. Suddenly at the central office came a colleague from England when I was away. Normally, I could helped translate during the business meeting between my boss who could not speak english and that colleague. But I remembered that I am not the only interpreter in central office and there was my friend there who also worked as English interpreter. Therefore, I don’t have to return immediately, no need to cancel my business trip as I believed that my friend already handled the communication between my boss and the foreign colleague.

Amai trusted those S-Class heroes’ capability to handle the threat and that is not really wrong. What is wrong is that his ignorance to believe what the heroes said in which they couldn't prevent the casualties as the attack that happened suddenly was so powerful that it destroyed the whole city in just one attack. He thought that was just their excuse and if I am one of the heroes I would also be annoyed at him just like everyone else LOL. Seems that he is so hard on heroes. I wish he would be more open-minded and trust his fellow heroes in the future.

We will see him more when we almost reach the climax of Garō arc but (spoiler): in the webcomic, Amai mocked the rest of the S-Class heroes for failing to protect humanity, you would probably hate him more XP. Though after Garō arc finished, Amai acknowledges and starts to appreciate Saitama’s beauty of power and probably will become his new fanboy. Sure, he was rude to Sugar Pop Boys boyband newbies, probably because they could be his future rivals in the entertainment world but unworthy as heroes. Perhaps the only hope that could make his character more redeemable and be more understood is when his backstory has been revealed.

It doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t portray him bad in any fics we write, no- that’s not my point. We’re free to put any character to antagonist role and protagonist role and in OPM fandom, Amai himself often gets antagonistic roles and only one fic so far gives him a protagonist role. What intrigued me is that there are so many non-functional tags described him as being despicable being in their stories as if the writers really detest him so much, just one chapter & one episode about him being an asshole and he already earned this much hate (especially from manga-only readers) XD. Personally, I’d rather see the fics include him as antagonist with the simple tags like: #evil Amai, #antagonist Amai, #villain Amai, #Amai dislikes/hates__ etc though as a writer they’re free to express and tag their fic with anything in their minds, I just find it funny… that’s all.

I am not Amai’s fangirl, I don’t really like him too but I don’t despise his character either, in fact he is one of the characters that makes me curious and want to know more about him (besides Sonic-Flash’s relationship and Blast’s mysterious identity). I wish for some writers that someday will care enough to portray him in different light, when he becomes more sympathetic but not flawless, when he will be more than just one-dimensional jerk/asshole.

The Summer (27/33)

The Summer (27/33) | Dan Howell has spent the last three summers at Camp Bergamot, but it’s never been quite like this before. This year, he faces a summer full of new friends, a new relationship, and an entirely new view on his own sexuality. Perhaps Camp Bergamot should be renamed camp self discovery for all the changes Dan has gone through, but one thing’s for sure - despite all the hiccups and the drama, he just might have found the love of his life. | Phan | Mature | Smut, Misunderstandings, Insecurity, Panic Attacks, Bullying, Minor Violence, Physical Fight | 300,000+ Words

Disclaimer: In no way do I claim that this is real or cast aspersions on Dan or Phil.

This Part: 14,220 Words

For reference, @botanistlester is Dan, @snowbunnylester is Phil.

(Previous) (AO3) (Masterlist)

Warnings: heavy angst, insecurity, lack of self-care, self punishment (nothing extreme, just like, berating themselves and generally not caring about their own well being)

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Dan was gone.

Dan was... Dan was gone, and - and Phil wasn't entirely certain he was ever coming back.

After everything that they'd been through, Phil had just gone and fucked it all up. Every last second of their time here at camp, Phil had blown up in one second, and he hated himself so much that he could do nothing but just there and continue to cry. His head was buried in his knees, and his head hurt from how much he'd been crying, but mostly, his heart hurt.

He hadn't meant to make Dan feel like that. He hadn't meant to make Dan think that Phil didn't believe in him, in them. It was just that Phil was so fucking insecure, terrified of everything changing when he'd only just found happiness between them to begin with. He was used to being the guy who always got the short end of the stick, was used to being the guy that people only liked as a joke, and it was hard to imagine that by the time they got back home, nothing would change. Surely, nothing could be that simple. Phil hated his mind in those moments, hated it for making him so insecure, but there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He cried until he couldn't anymore, and then he stood up and headed for the cabins. The lunch bell had gone ages ago, but Phil had skipped it, and he definitely wasn’t planning on showing up late now. Instead, he was mourning the fact that he'd let his fear overtake him and ruin everything. He should have known better than to doubt Dan, but there was so much clawing at his mind - the fact that first loves, young romances, never worked out, the fact that Phil was a freak in his own right and had very few friends in school, the fact that coming out was terrifying and hard and put a strain on all of your relationships if things didn't go right... it had all added up to this loud voice in Phil's mind that told him everything was going to end the second they stepped foot outside of this camp. But Phil should have trusted Dan, and he hated himself a little as he headed for his cabin to lay down and pretend he was sick. Their group would be at art now, and Phil could do nothing but wonder if Dan would ever forgive him.

**

Dan headed straight to the showers after throwing up, needing to clear his head and wash himself off. He was feeling strangely void of emotions, like he was detached from reality. It was as if he was walking through a dream and nothing was real. He took off his clothes with foreign hands, turned on the shower through someone else's body. The cold water raining down on his back were merely pinpricks that hardly bothered him. He washed up as if he was in a haze, eyes weirdly dry. He could hardly comprehend what'd just happened, and his body didn't seem to want to catch up to it all. Dan found himself laughing as his toes turned purple, the cold water taking it's toll on his body. It was amusing, and he watched his skin change colour with mild fascination until his arm was reaching for the handle and turning the water up to the hottest setting. The air was then filled with steam, and he watched as the purple of his toes turned to an angry red. The water was supposed to be seething hot, but his skin just felt lukewarm. Dan vaguely realized he was shivering regardless.

When he got out of the shower, he dressed slowly, his fingers fumbling on the buttons of his trousers. He tried to get them on once, twice, three times, until he finally succeeded the fourth try. Dan's body was slow in its movements, like he was wading through water, and he didn't know what was going on, but it was scaring him. His mind whispered to him that he shouldn't be alone in his room right now, and he argued with himself for a moment, telling himself to get in bed, that he just wanted to sleep and forget about what had just happened, but his body was bringing him to the art room where he knew his friends were instead. They were no doubt going to ask questions, questions that Dan didn't want to answer. And he was right.

"Dan! Where have you and Phil been?" Mariah asked as soon as he walked in. Dan blinked sluggishly. His mouth wanted to blurt Phil who? but he held himself back and instead said, "I'm going to finish my painting in the cabin." Yes, the painting. The painting of Phil. The painting he had made for Phil of Phil. The painting he made for his boyfriend who he wasn't really sure where they stood right then. "Are- are you okay?" Mariah asked. It took Dan a minute to process her words. He laughed loudly. "I'm fine," he told her. "Peachy actually. I'm just going to..." he trailed off, making hand movements and side-stepping her before she could ask him anything else. He grabbed some art supplies and his painting, turning it upside down so he didn't have to look at it. Mariah caught him before he left, and her eyes were full of concern. "If you need to talk to anyone, I'm here okay? I love you." Dan smiled and his lips felt like they belonged to someone else. He pressed a kiss to her cheek. "I love you too," he told her before walking away, a painting of a person who didn't trust him tucked under his arm.

**

Phil felt useless. He felt like the worst person in the world, like the freak everyone told him he was. He felt like every bad thing that had ever been said to him had to be true, and his heart hurt for it. The guilt was fresh and harsh, curling in his stomach until he felt like he was going to throw up, but he didn't. Instead, he lay curled up in bed, allowing all the hateful words of his fellow peers to overtake his mind, and just... punished himself in the only way he knew how. He didn't feel like he had any right to ask for help from their friends, didn't feel like he had any right to ask Dan for forgiveness, didn't feel like he had any right to face Dan at all, and instead wallowed in self-pity like the horrible person he was.

He hadn't believed in Dan, hadn't trusted in the relationship they'd been building, hadn't truly believed that Dan could want from Phil what Phil wanted from him - and he had hurt Dan for it. Dan, wonderful Dan, who'd shown Phil nothing but kindness from day one, who'd shown him nothing but love and generosity and a heart worn on his sleeve. How had Phil even once doubted that Dan would always pick him in the end? The insecurity ran deep, and while he wished his boyfriend could be there to comfort him in that way, he knew he didn't deserve it. What he'd done was far worse, far more cruel, and he'd hurt Dan more than he himself was hurt. Phil couldn't face it, couldn't face him, and so he forced himself to just take the brunt of his thoughts, and just lie there in bed. Maybe, when he woke up again, he could try his hand at fixing things, but for now, he would give Dan his space.

**

Phil next woke up to the dinner bell, and a face so wet with tears that it took him a few disoriented minutes to realize that he'd been dreaming. Dan had been screaming at him, Dan had been screaming so loud, and PHil could still hear his words echoing through his head, the pain of them almost unbearable; "It's over, Phil! I never want to see you again!" Phil couldn't get the words to go away no matter how many times he reassured himself that it had just been a dream, and he choked on his tears as he curled up in on himself and rocked himself into oblivion for a few moments longer, just trying to calm down and remind himself of the fact that Dan - surely… Dan wouldn't do that, right? Eventually, Phil managed to get himself to sit up in bed, but he didn’t have the strength to do anything other than curl his body around his knees and sniffle pathetically some more. If he didn't want that to be how things ended, he needed to get his sorry ass out of bed, and go face Dan. He needed to apologize, beg on his knees if that's what it would take, and find some way to make this up to Dan, because Phil loved him. Phil loved him, and even if he didn't deserve Dan after betraying his trust like that, he was damn well going to try and make himself deserve Dan. He would fix this if it was the last thing he did. With that thought in mind, Phil wiped off his face, and strode determinedly to the dinner hall. Surely, Dan would be there.

**

It seemed like it took far too long to walk from the art hall back to his cabin, like he was running but not going anywhere. Everything felt muted, and it was a sensation that was strange for Dan. He'd never felt so detached from everything, and it was honestly terrifying. But he managed to get into his cabin after what seemed like years. It was empty, thanks to activities, so Dan set himself up at one of the tables in the lounge. It was hard to look at his painting, but when he finally got enough guts to look, he just stared for a while. He missed Phil. It hurt. It hurt a lot. Seeing those blue eyes and the way the painting looked so at ease, framed by the beautiful night sky, Dan's chest constricted painfully. He didn't know what he'd done to make Phil unable to trust him, but he hoped they would still be able to overcome this. Dan just needed time. He just needed to figure out what the hell he was feeling, because right now he couldn't feel a damned thing. He snapped out of his trance after fifteen minutes of just staring before he got to work.

His movements were slow, sluggish, and he was having trouble mixing the paints, but eventually he got there. He let the finishing touches on Phil dry before he was covering the silhouette with another piece of paper, blocking Phil from his sight. He laid the canvas flat on the table so the paper wouldn't move and squirted out a bit of acrylic white paint. He dipped in a medium sized paint brush, making sure to lather it up well, and then he was flicking it at the canvas, making the stars to the galaxy shine brightly. Then he gathered up more paint on the brush and placed it close to the canvas before quickly running his fingers through it, spraying dozens of thin spatters onto the paper, a small cluster of stars. When he was finished making the stars, he grabbed a small paintbrush and turned it over to the handle, running it through some of the white dots to make them look as though they were illuminating. When he was satisfied with the painting, the dinner bell had already rung and Dan didn't move, taking off the sheet of paper that hid Phil's face. As he stared at the finished project, his heart jammed painfully in his chest once again. It was as if a cold breeze had suddenly hit him in the face and there were tears running down his face. He reached up and wiped them away, smearing white paint on his face, but he didn't care. Everything hurt, and Dan brought his tear- and paint-stained fingers in front of his eyes to stare in wonder at the glistening wetness there. It was then that he started to sob, the damn inside of him suddenly breaking free.

**

When Phil got to dinner, the first thing he did was look for Dan. His eyes scanned the room the second he walked in, but it wasn't Dan who he found, nor was it Dan who found him first; instead, it was Mariah, grabbing so violently to Phil's forearm that he yelped in pain, and turned to her with newly wet eyes. "What the hell did you do to Dan!?" she demanded, her look of anger draining after a second to confusion, and then to annoyance. "Are you kidding me? You guys run off, ditch us, and all so you could get into a stupid fight that's left you both a mess?" she demanded, to which Phil winced, remembering belatedly that they'd promised a full day with their friends after all the time they'd been apart recently. Phil suddenly felt even more wretched, and he took a step back from Mariah, hanging his head. "I -" Phil tried to say, but Mariah cut him off short before he could finish his sentiment. "Don't 'I' me, Phil. I don't want to hear it. Go fix things with Dan before I bash both of your heads in, because this is ridiculous, and I've never met a pair of people more perfect for each other." With that, Mariah stormed away, leaving Phil to stare after her in upset confusion.

She didn't even know why they were fighting. Shouldn't she be on Dan's side here? But she wasn't, and the way she’d said with such absolute surety that Dan and Phil belonged together bolstered his resolve until Phil was sniffling one last time, and once again turning on his heel to once again go and find Dan. The only place he could think to find him would be Dan's cabin, and so he headed over there with quick footsteps, walking in without bothering to knock, and pushing open the dorm room fully expecting to find Dan on his bed. What he found instead was paint, paint everywhere, white stains on the camp duvet and opened pots and wet paintbrushes scattered everywhere. Phil was startled by the sight, and the sudden realization that Dan had spent all afternoon alone hit him like a ton of bricks - not only that, but he'd been working on a painting, and Phil couldn't help the hope that suddenly filled him as he turned and rushed back to his own cabin, terrified that Dan might have destroyed the painting he'd been making for him, but equally hopeful that he had not.

Maybe… maybe things would be alright after all.

**

It took Dan a while to calm himself down. He was finally feeling something, but he couldn't tell whether he was thankful or not. Was it better like this, feeling as if his heart had been ripped out of his chest, or was it better when he couldn't feel anything at all? As his tears ran dry, his eyes stinging as he pressed paint-clad fingers to his eyelids, he couldn't help but wonder if he preferred the blissful silence of his mind. He was aware of how much of a wreck he was. He had white paint all over his hands, and now his face. His eyes were red and puffy, and he was almost certain his hair was also stuck together with white clumps. That shouldn't bother him right then. He needed to get this painting out of his face. Now.

With shaking limbs, he lifted himself from his chair and steadied himself when he nearly fell onto the table with the motion. He'd been sitting for hours, and the blood rushing through his body was making him feel light headed. When he felt sturdy enough, he grabbed the painting and made his way out of the cabin. The hot outside air hit him in the face and made him gag, so he hurriedly walked to the next cabin over. It was all he had in him to hope that Phil wasn't in his cabin, and his wishes came true when he was met with an empty bed. He didn't want to stay in there for long, couldn't stand it, so he quickly placed the painting on Phil's bed, making sure it was dry enough not to drip onto the bed sheets.

And just like that, Dan was fleeing before Phil could see him. He was running, and his lungs burned with the exertion, but he needed to be as far as possible from there right then. He let his legs carry him where they wanted, and wasn't disappointed when they brought him to the lake. Gasping for air after his run, he knelt down and practically collapsed onto the wooden dock, his back pressing against the cool wood while his face was turned towards the sky. The sky was a beautiful pink colour, fading into purple and blue and orange. It reminded Dan of his watercolours, and he closed his eyes. He imagined that he was a painting, the colour of his body flowing naturally with the brown of the deck beneath him, intertwining to make the most beautiful piece of art ever. He wondered what colour his silhouette would be. Would it be pink like the sky? Or would it be black, seeping into the beautiful scenery like a plague and dampening the brightness of the world?

**

Phil couldn't even begin to describe the disappointment that surged through him when he rushed into his own cabin, into his own bedroom, to find that Dan was not, in fact, there, waiting for him on the bed as Phil had hoped. His hopes crashed in an instant, and he very nearly sunk to his knees in defeat when he just so happened to catch sight of what was on his bed. Not once during the painting process had Dan let Phil see the painting of himself he was making. Not once had he even had a glimpse, but now, as he walked slowly up to his bed, terrified to find it destroyed and his heart ripped out, he was stunned to realize just how beautiful it really was.

The canvas took up a large portion of his bed, far larger than Phil had realized it to be, and the colors were - well, the colors were striking. Immediately, tears sprung to Phil's eyes, and he hesitated as he reached out to touch the beautiful piece of artwork Dan had done for him, stopping only out of fear that he would be the one to ruin it. Was it even dry yet? Phil couldn’t quite tell, but he didn’t think so. His heart was beating so loud in his chest, then, that Phil could feel it in his ears, could hear his blood rushing through him and heartbreak surging through him like never before. He was scared. His eyes kept scanning over his own face painted in blacks and blues with lines of near white at his neckline, and all he could do was think that Dan had done that for him. Dan had so clearly put his heart and soul into every last line of this piece, and Phil... Phil had broken his heart.

The sight of his own blue eyes staring back at him, his own calm expression pressed against the backdrop of the most beautiful galaxy behind it, almost made Phil hate himself even more, and Phil really did sink to his knees then. He didn't know what this meant, why this was on his bed, why Dan had chosen to finish it, but he was too scared to hope that it meant Dan had forgiven him, might still forgive him, loved him anymore, even. He wanted so badly to believe, but the back of his mind kept telling him that this was a farewell gift, and that Phil really had fucked things up royally.

**

Phil ended up finding him at the lake.

He should have known that Dan would be there.

Phil's footsteps were hesitant as he approached the bridge they normally sat on. Dusk had long since fallen, and the purple's of the sky at dinner had faded to a nearly inky black with the red of the sun just disappearing down the lake, now. Dan was a distinct blur laying out across the bridge, not moving even once Phil's footsteps landed loud on the wood. Phil stopped, hesitated, step forwards again. "Dan?" he asked, and his voice was so small, so broken, so hesitant that he thought it'd be a miracle if Dan responded to him at all.

**

Being on the lake was relaxing to say the least. Dan could feel the cool summer breeze drying the paint on his skin, making goosebumps raise on his flesh. The sound of leaves rustling in the air was music to Dan's ears and he could hear the water lapping at the shore. If he listened closely enough, he might even be lucky enough to hear a fish jumping out of the water, only to surge back under moments later. The sound of birds chirping was replaced with crickets and the crying of cicadas. It was peaceful, and Dan allowed himself to bask in it. He laid there for lord knows how long. It was as if he was sinking through the wood of the deck, submerging himself in the water beneath, and he allowed his imagination to run wild. He didn't let himself think of Phil simply because he didn't want to. He wanted to enjoy his last day at camp, whether Phil was with him or not. He would let the existential dread set in later. For now he was going to fucking enjoy his time with nature.

Or at least, he was, until the very person he was avoiding showed up.

Dan didn't move, didn't even acknowledge him, not even when Phil spoke up. Dan held his breath, and pretended to be asleep. Maybe Phil would leave him alone if he thought he was sleeping.

Phil felt the rejection like a slap to the face, and he flinched back when Dan didn't respond to the sound of his voice at all. He could see his breathing was even, though, would have thought he was just sleeping if it weren't for the way that his body shivered in the cold of the freezing night air, like he couldn’t quite control himself. Phil didn't know how much more of this he could take. He'd come out here with the last vestiges of hope that this wasn't the end, that this wasn't goodbye, and Dan was slowly picking away at that until Phil was certain this was a waste of his time. But he couldn't give up, whether Dan was willing to acknowledge him or not. Phil took another tentative step forwards until he felt like he was close enough to Dan, and then he lowered himself down a good six feet from Dan's head, so he was sitting cross legged on the same wooden dock, and could stare pitifully into his lap. His hands shook where he rested them on his knees.

Dan's breathing became irregular as Phil lowered himself beside him, and he was sure, so sure, that Phil knew he was just faking it now. He kept quiet anyways, kept his eyes closed. If he ignored this for long enough, then maybe Phil would just go away.

"I'm sorry," Phil murmured, certain that Dan was awake and could hear him. If his boyfriend wasn't going to answer him, then Phil was just going to have to speak at him. "I'm sorry I ever doubted you. I'm sorry I ever doubted how much you love me," he said, and his voice might have hitched a little because this was hard, this was so hard. Phil didn't know how to do this right, and while his mind kept repeating over and over to himself that stupid tumblr post about how you should never ruin an apology with an excuse, Phil couldn't help speaking up to at least try and explain himself to Dan. "It's not you Dan, I swear. It's me. This is all on me. You never did anything wrong, never did anything to lead me to believe that you would ever be less than the kindest, brightest person I have ever known - I just. I'm insecure, and stupid, and scared, and I thought - I don't know what I thought," he finished off quickly in despair. "I thought, somehow, we were going to get back to London and you were going to realize I was a freak, the same way everyone at school thinks I am. I thought we were going to get home, and you weren't going to be stuck with me anymore, and suddenly you'd realize that I was a loser, that I wasn't worth your time - and none of that is your fault. You've never once done anything to lead me to believe that that would actually happen - but in my mind, it feels like nothing else could happen, because no one - no one has ever accepted me the way you have, and I think... I think that just scares me." Phil's heart was racing, he could feel the hot pressure of it sinking hard into his chest, and it was making it hard to breathe. He could feel himself starting to cry again, and was sick of it, wiping violently at his eyes as he sniffled to hold back more tears. "Dan. I love you. And I'm so, so sorry for making you feel like - feel like I didn't trust you or value our relationship as much as I do. I'm sorry I ever made you feel like you haven't given me enough, because you've given me everything and I - I don't deserve you." Phil's voice cracked at that, and he stared hopelessly at his hands as he waited, waited for something, for anything, that didn't come. His heart broke, then, but even as he held back the tears, he couldn't blame Dan.

It hurt to hear Phil's words, about what he thought of himself, of what he thought Dan would do when they got outside of camp. He was angry, so angry and hurt, that he wanted to just grab Phil by the shoulders and scream at him that he wasn't like the others. He wasn't going to fucking judge him because Dan wasn't some stupid bully that was out to get Phil. He was his boyfriend, who Phil was supposed to fucking trust. He miserably sunk into the wood below him, Phil's words going in one ear and out the other. He was seething with emotion and didn't know what to do with himself. He loved Phil so much but he just... he needed time. He needed to think. And Phil was doing nothing but making his chest hurt more and more. All this time, he thought that he would get out of camp and be able to take Phil on cute dates and have sleepovers and kiss him in bed. But the only thing Phil could think about was how Dan would surely break up with him as soon as camp was over. Every 'I love you' from Dan was just a lie to Phil, was another manipulative word just to screw Phil over in the end. Dan squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to let the sob escape his throat.

After another long moment, Phil stood on shaking legs, and turned his back to Dan. "I'll always love you," he whispered, and started to walk away.

Suddenly, Phil was moving, getting up, saying that he'd always love Dan, and Dan didn't know what to say. If he told Phil that he loved him too, would he even believe him? Dan didn't think so, so he kept his mouth closed as Phil walked away with an air of finality. Dan wondered if this was the end of their relationship, and he let out a shaky breath as he finally opened his eyes and glared at the stars above. Fuck the stars, Dan thought. They were just watching as his entire world broke apart, not even caring a bit. The stars winked at him. Dan told them to fuck off.

**

Phil didn't quite make it back to his cabin before he had to stop and sit down, pressing his face between his legs to prevent the resulting panic filling his chest from over taking him completely. He didn't want to have a fucking panic attack when he was the one who'd ruined everything. Dan couldn't even look at him, couldn't even speak to him, and the reality of that weighed on Phil's heart until his chest was constricting and he found it hard to breath. He wanted to go on hoping that this was something he could fix, but after that, after all of that, after all that he'd said... he really didn't think there was any part of him left to hope. Phil felt broken, devastated, gutted, and all because he'd managed to fuck everything all up just by being his usual self.

The voices of his bullies from home filled his head until all he wanted to do was claw his eyes out, rip out his hair, just to make it all stop, but they wouldn't, and eventually, Phil just gave into it. Not once did Dan appear to comfort him, not once did Dan come chasing after him, and finally, after what felt like hours of crying in the dark of the night leaning against a tree just on the edge of the forest near the lake, Phil stood up and headed for bed. He shook, and it wasn't from the cold. His stomach ached, and his head hurt, but all that mattered any more was sleep. The only good thing about the day, about the panic that had clawed at his chest and the voices in his head, was that Phil fell asleep the second his head hit his pillow, but his dreams were anything but peaceful.

**

Dan tried to continue to enjoy nature after that, he really did, but he suddenly couldn't. The stars were mocking him, the trees were screaming at him, the rippling water was whispering how he was a fuck up. Eventually, he had to tear himself away from it all. He was shivering from the cold, and his body felt as if he'd dumped himself into a bath of ice water. What he needed right then was to go to sleep, his eyes drooping until it was hard to walk straight. He felt drunk, his eyes wet and swollen, and he heard Mariah calling his name as he passed the campfires. He ignored her, not wanting to deal with their friends when he was dealing with his own inner demons.

The cabin wasn't much sanctuary when the corners were growling with stalking shadows, but it was better than when the stars were watching him, so Dan snuggled into bed with his blanket wrapped tight around his body.

He lay awake, unable to sleep. His brain was going haywire, and he started to wonder if he'd made the right decision just ignoring Phil like that. Phil obviously regretted his actions and wanted to make everything right again, and Dan hadn't even attempted to make things right. He was silent, running away from their problems like he'd promised Phil they'd never do only a week ago. But was it without warrant? Should he be in a relationship without trust? Was there anything they could even fix? If Dan said yes, that he wanted to try again, then he'd go back into the relationship knowing Phil didn't trust him. They'd have to work on that and make sure to build it until... until.

Dan buried his face under the blankets. Until Phil believed him when Dan told him he loved him. The thought hurt more than anything, and he wanted to prove to Phil that he wasn't lying. Right then, it probably sounded like he didn't care, which definitely wasn't the case. He was just hurt. Angry. And for good cause. But Phil deserved an explanation. He deserved to let Dan hear him out. Dan couldn't let a good thing go to waste just because he was too stubborn to talk out their problems.

When everyone fell asleep that night, Dan slipped his shoes on. He snuck out of his cabin without anybody listening in, going straight for Phil's. When he got there, he hesitated at the door. What would he even say when he got in there? He tried not to think about it, and pushed open the door of Phil's cabin. He held his breath as he snuck past the sleeping bodies of Phil’s bunk mates until he came past a Phil-shaped lump in the covers. Even in the darkness, Dan could tell that Phil's face was tear-stained but he was sleeping. It made guilt so heavy crash through Dan that it nearly knocked him over. He stood there debating what to do for a moment before sliding into bed beside Phil and bundling himself under the covers. Just being next to Phil again made Dan's heart hurt, but it also made him feel at home.

**

Phil was dreaming about Dan breaking up with him again. His words felt so loud in his ears that he thought it must be real, but they were so cruel that he knew they must be fake. That didn't stop Phil from crying, though, didn't stop him from feeling like his heart was being ripped right out of his chest, and it was somehow worse than Dan merely having ignored him at the lake. He had no hope left in him, no belief that Dan was actually still his boyfriend, but hearing Dan scream at him in his dreams was somehow much worse than what he'd already experienced. There was a loud pounding in his ears, and his body felt ice cold when he came awake, shaking with a muffled sound of pain - Dan's voice continued to echo in his ears, shouting "You're nothing but a waste of space! How could I ever love you?" and Phil curled into himself, trying his best to drag the blankets further over him, trying his best to wrap himself up tight so he could just cry and pretend that nothing else existed - except, when he tugged on the blankets, they didn't come easily, and Phil felt his blood run ice cold with fear.

Dan was just starting to drift off when Phil began to shuffle in bed. He writhed around for a moment in a way that made Dan think he may be having a wet dream, but then he was pulling the covers, trying to yank them, and Dan didn't let him because he didn't want to be cold, dammit. It was then that Phil seemed to realize that someone else was there, and Dan heard his sharp intake of breath. He cursed in his head and turned to face Phil, surprised when he saw the glint of tears on his face. Was... was Phil having a nightmare? Dan's heart was in his throat, and he swallowed to clear his voice. With a shaky hand, he lifted his fingers to Phil's face and wiped the tears away. "It's okay," Dan croaked out, voice sharp from misuse. "I'm here now. I..." he wanted to say that he loved Phil but the words got stuck in his throat. Would Phil believe him? He had to close his eyes before he could get them out. "I love you. I'm here. I'm sorry." He hadn't exactly planned to have a conversation when he slid into Phil's bed, but he couldn't run away this time. He wouldn't let himself.

Phil's eyes were wide open, searching for the heavy shape in the dark that was weighing down his blanket, preventing him from bundling up and staying safe and warm. His heart was beating so fast he thought he might explode, and his mind was going over idea after idea of who might be there - and then there was Dan, with sad eyes and a pale face, reaching out with soft, tentative fingers to wipe the tears away from Phil's cheeks. He could only stare, heart in his throat, as his Dan, his Dan, touched him, reassured him with quiet words, because he was here, somehow, in Phil's bed. He would have thought he was dreaming if it were a nightmare, but it wasn't, and he was left staring in surprised awe at a boy who looked as devastated as Phil felt. He choked on another sob, wanted to reach for Dan, but held himself back. When those eyes slipped close, those eyes Phil loved so much, he thought he was going to break - until Dan was speaking again, voice low but good, and so, so honest that Phil could do nothing then but reach for him. When he pulled the other boy into his arms, Dan did not pull away, and while Phil couldn't allow himself to believe that things were going to be okay, he did allow himself to bury his face into Dan's chest and just cry. He wanted to say that he knew Dan loved him, he wanted to say that he knew Dan cared. He wanted to say that Dan had nothing to be sorry for, but the words stuck in his throat, and instead, Phil could do nothing but sit there and cry.

When Phil pulled Dan into him, Dan didn't try to stop him. He didn't hold himself back either, because he'd been craving intimacy just as badly. He buried his face in Phil's hair and just held him, inhaling his familiar scent and holding him so closely he thought he might be suffocating Phil. But Phil didn't complain, instead sobbing into Dan's chest as he held him. His tears brought an onslaught from Dan as well, until he was dampening Phil's hair by accident. He wanted to whisper to Phil how sorry he was for ignoring him because it fucking hurt to see Phil like this, but they had to be quiet, and Dan was certain he'd start bawling as soon as he tried to speak the words. Instead, he clung to Phil as tight as possible, his fingers tangling in Phil's shirt to pull him ever closer, as he cried into Phil's warm embrace. He couldn't believe he was so stupid that he'd almost lost this. He was just so, so scared. He wanted Phil to trust him, and the knowledge that he didn't ran deep within Dan's veins. Dan had no idea what to do to fix this.

It was simultaneously the best, and the worst feeling in the world to have Dan clinging back to Phil just as tightly as Phil was clinging to Dan. His arms were wrapped up tight around Dan's waist, trying to force him close and keep him there, and Dan's arms were tight in the front of Phil's shirt, dragging him closer still and clinging hard enough Phil could feel his nails against his skin. He couldn't bring himself to care, couldn't bring himself to ask him to stop, because this was the complete opposite reaction as to what he'd gotten in the nurse's office earlier that afternoon, and Phil never wanted it to stop. He didn't care that he was a goddamn mess, didn't care that he was getting snot and tears all over Dan, because Dan was here and Phil didn't know if that meant anything but he wanted it to too. Phil could feel it when Dan started to cry as well, both boys trembling in each other's arms as tears dripped down on the top of Phil's head. They did their best to stay quiet, though, muffled the sounds they were making into each other's bodies, and Phil sniffled a million times in an attempt to get himself under control. It was difficult, though, despite the headache and the way his stomach rolled with the feeling of sick. His eyes were heavy and achy, and he wanted nothing more than to just sleep, but Dan was here and Phil never wanted to let go. He was scared that when he woke up in the morning, Dan would be gone, and he didn't think he was going to be able to cope with that. "M sorry," he managed to gasp, pressing his face tighter into Dan's chest.

Phil was apologizing once again, and Dan couldn't help but feel guilty all over again. He was the worst boyfriend in the world, so stubborn that he'd made Phil so upset that he couldn't even utter anything but apologies. Dan wanted to make things right, but he didn't know how. He was still hurt about Phil not trusting him, so he didn't want to say it was okay because it wasn't, but he was willing to work on their problems if Phil was. He pressed a kiss to Phil's hair finally, calming down enough to get a small sentence out. "We'll be okay, I love you," Dan told him, his breath rustling Phil's damp hair. "Sleep now, and talk in the morning, yeah?" While he would want to talk now, he still needed to rest on it. Too much had happened that day, and Dan would rather pretend as if nothing was wrong, lying in bed beside Phil until they both were able to lure themselves into a restless sleep.

It wasn't exactly what Phil wanted to hear, but it did bring with it a renewed sense of hope, and how could Phil push for any more than that? If Dan was willing to promise that they'd be okay, than Phil was going to do nothing other than believe him - because that had been the problem before, hadn't it? He hadn't trusted Dan enough to go to him about his problems, and now here they were, on the cusp of a fight, crying in each other's arms. Phil didn't fully believe that he deserved Dan at all after the way he's made him feel, but he'd do just about anything to make it right. And he was tired. He sniffled, holding Dan tighter to him, and asked "Will you be here in the morning?" His voice was so clogged, Phil thought it would be a miracle if Dan had understood him, but he couldn't sleep if Dan didn't promise him at least that much as well. Phil knew he didn't deserve to ask for anything, but he needed this.

Dan hadn't caught what Phil had said at first and he sat silent for a moment, trying to digest exactly what had been said. When he finally figured it out, he chuckled and nuzzled his nose into Phil's hair again. He couldn't smell because his nose was so clogged now, but he was yearning for that familiar smell of his Phil to assure him that Phil was with him, that they hadn't broken up, that they were going to be alright. Dan knew that they needed to talk, but they couldn't do it here. Not now, when there were dozens of sleeping boys around them. "I'll be here in the morning as long as you want me," Dan promised. He leaned back to stare into Phil's eyes, aware that his own were probably rimmed red. On top of that, he had never actually washed off the white paint so he must look a right mess. But he didn't care, and neither did Phil. He hesitated, biting his lip, before uttering a small, "Kiss me goodnight?"

Phil thought that was a silly thing to say; he was always going to want Dan, wasn't that were all their problems had started? With Phil being terrified that Dan was going to leave him? "Then you're always going to be stuck here," Phil managed in reply, a fresh wave of tears washing over him and making him choke on the words. He wasn't expecting Dan to draw away just to look at Phil in the eye, hand cupping just under his jaw and drawing him tentatively near. This was the first clear view of his face that Phil had gotten to see, and if he was honest, Dan looked a mess. He was covered in white paint, and his eyes and nose were a raw red from both their crying. It honestly tore at Phil's heart, but he nodded shakily at Dan because of course he wanted to kiss him goodnight. He hated that Dan looked so hesitant, looked as though he wouldn't get his request - so Phil pressed in close and fast and opened up to Dan in the best way he knew how. He kissed him with everything he had despite not being able to breathe, and kissed him with even more, wanting to get across every inch of the emotion and love he was currently feeling. He tried to tell Dan he was sorry with lips and tongue, tried to tell him he'd make this better, and only pulled away because they both kept inhaling awkwardly and the kiss just wasn't working anymore.

"I think I could be happy if I was stuck by your side," Dan whispered tentatively. He didn't have to even ask twice before Phil was leaning in to kiss him, his lips once again claiming Dan's. Dan remembered how he had felt earlier, or rather, how he hadn't felt, and he shivered. He reckoned that if this had happened earlier, he probably wouldn't have even be able to respond. Now though, he was tightly gripping onto Phil's shirt, dragging their lips together as Phil so obviously tried to pour as much love as possible into the embrace. Dan didn't mind that the kiss was messy with snot and tears, or that he couldn't really breathe. He was just glad he could kiss Phil again. When they pulled away, Dan was gasping for breath, his nose completely blocking his ability to breathe. He looked Phil seriously in the eye, and cradled his cheek. "I swear I'll make you believe I love you more than anything one of these days. I'll try my hardest." When his voice cracked and his lip quivered, Dan didn't even try to stop it from showing. He was way past caring at this point.

It hurt. God, it hurt, hearing Dan's voice break in the middle of his sentence, watching his bottom lip quiver as he spoke, having to listen to Dan tell him that he would prove to Phil one day just how much he loved him. It broke him, a little, broke him to hear just how much damage he'd done, that he'd led Dan to believe that Phil didn't truly believe him when he said I love you. He didn't know how to fix it, didn't know how to prove to Dan that that wasn't it - that Phil knew he loved him, he did/, he swore he did. There was just... such deep rooted insecurity in him, deep rooted belief that he was somehow worth less than those around him, that he couldn't possibly ever be loved. Maybe that was it, then, maybe... maybe, in a way, he didn't believe Dan, and the realization of that hit him like a sucker punch. He inhaled sharply, the tears coming faster now, but he didn't have time for his own break down as he reached for Dan again and curled his boyfriend into his chest protectively. Boyfriend, still, right? Dan still wanted to be with him, surely, or he wouldn't be saying all of this. Phil shuddered against Dan, buried his face into his hair, and whispered "I love you," because he had nothing else to give. He held onto Dan as tight as he could, willing them both to sleep now, but it was hard, and it came as no surprise to Phil that it took hours for him to drift back off again. His only consolation was that he had Dan in his arms, now, that he could hold him, and that for the first time, they were proper sleeping together, even if the cause hadn't quite been the positive experience Phil had been hoping for.

Dan knew the moment that his words were out of his mouth that he was going to regret it. He saw the way Phil's face had changed, how his face screwed up and his eyes widened slightly before tearing up. The sight made Dan's chest hurt so badly that he wondered if his heart truly was breaking. Just through those expressions, Dan could tell that it hit Phil just how true Dan's words were. That Phil didn't believe him, no matter how much he said he did. Dan wanted to cave in on himself, he wanted to leave the cabin entirely, but he willed himself not to. He'd made a promise to himself not to run away from his problems and to face them head on. So Dan just made a humming noise in response, and tried to bury himself into sleep. It didn't come easily, and he could tell Phil wasn’t resting well either. He tossed and turned, and while Dan was grateful to have Phil beside him, his stomach was churning and he couldn't shake the feeling that he was going to get sick again. He eventually managed a dreamless sleep for a few hours, Phil's arms wrapped tight around him. Come morning, they would talk about this. Come morning, Dan suddenly had his own insecurities flaring up that he had to sort out.

It was... a bad night. Phil didn't have nightmares anymore, no, but he didn't sleep well, and it was far from peaceful. The pain and turmoil of his realization washed over him like a wave, drowning him and filling his lungs until Phil actually felt like he was going to suffocate on it all. He didn't, though. No, but he did wake up every hour or so. He couldn't tell without an alarm clock, but he woke up far too many times in the night, always in a panic and searching for Dan. He whined brokenly every time, curled himself into his boyfriend, and more than once fell asleep weeping against him. He hated himself a little bit right then, hated that he couldn't be perfect and good for Dan. He hated that he couldn't just - couldn't just be fucking normal for once in his life. He was still terrified he was going to lose the best thing that had ever happened to him, but this time, Phil knew it would be entirely his fault, not Dan's. There would be no Dan leaving because he'd realized he'd made a mistake, that Phil wasn't worth it. If Dan left, it would be because it was too hard to love someone who didn't believe you when you said the words. It left a hole in Phil's heart that was too large to fill, and he shuddered with each moment it widened like a chasm in his chest. He was so tired, by the time he did wake up, groggy and sniffly from all the crying, eyes crusted over and in pain. There would be no contacts today, but there would also be no lessons, possibly no friends. Today was their last full day at camp, tonight their last night, and the counselors were leaving them all to their own devices. When Phil finally opened his eyes for the final time, it was to find that he and Dan were completely alone. His arms tightened their hold around Dan's body, and he closed his eyes again, afraid to face the day again just yet. His heart hurt, but his eyes had gone dry - at least for now. Phil... Phil was a bad person. Phil... Phil did not deserve Dan. He squeezed his eyes shut, and held Dan harder.

Dan didn't sleep well at all. He awoke many times to Phil clinging hard to him, even crying into his chest at random points in the night. It was awful. Dan didn't think he could hate anything more than he hated this. When he had imagined sleeping with Phil in his bed for the first time, this was definitely not what he had pictured. He had pictured close cuddling, sleepy kisses, even brushing the fringe out of each other's faces. But tonight he was greeted with restlessness, puffy eyes, and a need to be close in case Dan decided to leave. He didn't want to leave. He didn't want to leave at all. and he wasn't planning on it. As long as Phil was willing to work on his trust issues, Dan was as well. That morning, he woke up to Phil squeezing the daylights out of him once more. He grumbled and shuffled around before deciding to crack his eyes open. He knew he needed a shower to wipe off the paint and grime from last night, but he didn't have the energy right then. And Phil needed him right then anyways, so there was no way in hell he was planning on bolting. He turned his face so his nose was brushing against Phil's cheek. "Mm, you awake?" Dan whispered quietly, nuzzling his face into Phil's soft skin. Maybe he could pretend for now that everything was perfect. That they were happy.

Phil knew Dan was awake the second he started grumbling. He wasn't entirely sure what the noise meant, but he did know that it upset him probably more than it should. It felt like a terrible sign that somehow meant Dan was planning on leaving him, that he was already sick and tired of dealing with Phil, and it caused panic to seize Phil's chest all over again. He felt like the worst person, the most dramatic and annoyingly needy boyfriend, and found himself slipping into the belief that somehow, this just meant that Dan was even more likely to leave him. Phil's fingers gripped tighter, and his chest ached with the desire to cry. Dan nuzzled at his cheek, then, taking Phil by surprise, and when he spoke, his voice was gravelly but not hurt or angry. Phil didn't understand, stilled against Dan, but managed a broken "yes," in response. It felt good, to have Dan nuzzle him again, almost felt normal, almost felt okay, except that Phil knew nothing was okay right now. He shuddered a bit against Dan, but managed to make himself pull away enough to look his groggy boyfriend in the eye. His bottom lip quivered. "Dan," he said, lowering his gaze. He had no concept of what he was even meant to say.

If Dan was being completely honest, he’d somewhat hoped that Phil would say he wasn't awake. He wasn't quite ready to face the depth of what had happened between them yet. He wanted nothing more than to snuggle close to Phil while he was sleeping, basking in great oblivion as he ignored every aspect of their argument in favour of sleepy cuddles. So when Phil let out a soft agreement that he was awake, Dan couldn't help but fall quiet for a split second. Then, Phil was pulling back to look at him in the face, already looking on the verge of tears, and Dan's throat clogged with emotion. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't they have been in happy bliss for their last day at camp? Dan hoped they could work this out. And soon, otherwise he didn't know what he was going to do. "Didn't sleep well?" Dan murmured, not knowing what else to say when Phil was looking on the verge of tears again. "I'm sorry." Were they going to talk now? Dan's heart hurt.

Phil bit his bottom lip, hard. Dan was looking at him like... like he'd lost something, like things weren't ever going to be the same, even as he spoke and attempted to pretend that they were, that nothing had happened. It hurt so fucking much that Phil was tempted to just reach inside his chest and yank his heart out that way. It would hurt less than this torture, surely. It would hurt less than having to see the disappointment and pain in Dan's eyes. Phil didn't want to let him go, but when Dan apologized to him, he felt like he could do nothing but that. His arms recoiled, and he pushed himself up, into a sitting position, as the tears started to roll down his cheeks once more. He stared into his palms blankly, and shook his head. "Don't apologize to me. You have nothing to apologize for, please. I - I love you, Dan. I'm sorry."

As soon as Dan had apologized, it seemed as if Phil had broken once again. Dan frowned as he watched Phil push away, into a sitting position where he buried his head into his arms. His voice was so broken, and Dan could hardly look at him because it made him want to cry too. He didn't want to cry anymore. Dan swallowed the lump in his throat and drew in a few shallow breaths as a way to hold his tears in. So they were talking now, then. "But I reacted badly yesterday and hurt you too. I should have listened to you, not run away." Dan pushed himself up too so he was sitting beside Phil. Their thighs were touching, and Dan leaned into Phil a bit so their arms were bumping together as well. "I guess I just didn't understand, y'know? I put so much into this relationship and it- ah, it hurt, I guess, to hear that you didn't really believe in me still." He wasn't trying to put Phil down in the slightest, so he spoke up quickly before Phil could take it in the wrong way. "I'd like to work on it though. If you want to, I mean. We can... we can get there. Eventually. I know we can. Together."

It helped when Dan sat up in bed too, probably just as sleepy and exhausted as Phil was feeling, but willing to press up along his side. His presence was reassuring, but his touch even more so, until Phil almost felt himself relaxing a little. Things couldn't be so bad, if Dan still wanted to be near him, right? Phil was still miserable, though, because he'd come to realize something about himself that he'd never wanted to know. He had trust issues. Trust issues of all the things, and while he felt like he believed it when Dan said he loved him, there was something that tugged at the back of his mind that was making him believe it was false. Phil could feel Dan's love for him, and yet something held him back. He hated that, he hated knowing that, wanted to go back to blissful oblivion and just... trust Dan. But he couldn't, that much was true. He flinched a bit as Dan admitted to being hurt that Phil didn't believe in him, but Dan didn't stop there, telling Phil that he wanted to work on it, that he wanted to fix it, and that he thought they could. "How can you even still want me? I - I - I'm a freak," he managed, sounding gutted even to his own ears. "I can't even - I can't even begin to describe how I feel. I love you. I love you so much, but I'm so insecure and afraid and broken that some part of my head doesn't even - doesn't even -" Phil couldn't finish that sentence.

"You're not a freak," Dan said firmly. He was cut off by Phil listing off some reasons why he was a freak, and he could feel his heart cracking just a little bit more as Phil began to admit that he didn't believe Dan. He didn't show it, though. Instead, he steeled himself and let out a few deep breaths. Calm, calm. Dan couldn't freak out now. He was trying so hard to salvage his relationship that he couldn't fuck it up by running away again. "Everybody has their flaws, don't they? Hell, I couldn't even kiss you until a week after we started dating and you stuck by me. You may have some trust issues, but it's nothing we can't get past. I'll just have to work harder to prove my love to you. You stuck with me through my shit, and now it's my turn to stick by you." Dan leaned over and pressed a kiss to Phil's shoulder.

Phil didn't like the way Dan said he had to prove his love to Phil. He didn't like the way his voice trembled and he seemed to think that any of this was on Dan. He didn't like the way this conversation was going at all, so even when Dan kissed his shoulder, even when he promised to stick by Phil, Phil turned to him with darkened eyes, a heavy heart, and the sternest voice he could manage. "You don't have to prove anything to me. This isn't your problem. You loving me is enough, Dan. What you do for me, how you show me your feelings, is already enough. It's not - it's not on you that I don't - and I do believe you, Dan. I do,” Phil suddenly said, feeling himself growing with confidence, with the realization that that tugging on his mind wasn’t something trying to tell him that he didn’t believe Dan, wasn’t something trying to tell him that he had to acknowledge that he had trust issues, because he didn’t, at least not in that way. Dan loved him, and Phil knew he did. It was just - “There is not one part of me that actually thinks you don't love me, Dan, I just - I just - I'm scared it won't be enough... that I won't live up to what you think of me..." Phil trailed off, voice going low and scared again as he sniffled and felt himself cry a little more. His breathing was hitching, but at least he wasn't sobbing anymore. "It's not you, Dan... it's not you. It's me." And it wasn’t that Phil didn’t trust Dan. He’d been so afraid that Das was right last night that he’d just accepted it, but it wasn’t true, and Phil was certain of that now.

Dan frowned. He had been trying to console Phil, but it seemed as if it wasn't working at all. In fact, it seemed to be having the opposite effect. Phil's eyes were damp, and although he was stuttering out his words, his voice was firm and leaving no room for argument. Dan was at a loss. It seemed as if everything he had said was just being taken the opposite to how he meant it. He grabbed Phil's hands in his, squeezing gently even though Dan's palms were clammy from nerves. "Phil, you could never ruin my impression of you. I... ever since I first saw you, I thought you were the most wonderful human I've ever known. As we've gotten to know each other this past month, my feelings towards you have only strengthened." Dan's voice was pleading, as if begging Phil to believe him. "I love you and that's not going to change. We can get through this, okay? You're not alone anymore. I'm here now, and I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon."

Phil didn't know if Dan completely understood the problem here. It wasn't so much a matter of Dan needing to tell Phil these things. Phil didn't reply, trying for a moment to figure out what was wrong with him exactly, how to explain it, perhaps express a solution. He hated where they were, now. He hated that he'd ruined things, hurt Dan by making him feel as though his words and feelings weren't enough. Forcibly trying to pull himself together, Phil slowly started to speak again. "I - its... I shouldn't have tried to hide my problems and worries from you. I never should have just exploded on you, attacked you or made you feel the way I did. I didn't mean to accuse you of ditching me back home. I was trying to - to ask for reassurance that it wouldn't happen. It was never that I actually - I'm scared. I'm insecure. And I have terrible thoughts that make me think that... think bad things, like my brain telling me that no one can ever love me. And I just hold it inside instead of asking - instead of telling you I'm thinking bad things. And bottling it up just made me explode. It's not that - it's not that I don't believe you when you say otherwise, it's not exactly trust issues so much as - so much as my mind hates me, and I need constant reassurance, only I don't ask for it and I - I ended up hurting you because of it and I hate myself for doing that to you."

Dan was starting to understand where Phil was coming from, why he had said the things he said. Dan didn't know if the knowledge that he hadn't reassured Phil yesterday or today should make him feel even worse, but he tried not to let it get to him. Phil wasn't making a stab at him in any way, he was just trying to express his feelings to Dan. "You know you can always talk to me about this type of thing, Phil," Dan murmured quietly. He nibbled on his lip, a nervous habit. "I know I reacted badly earlier, but I won't walk away like that again. You don't have to be scared or nervous or whatever to talk to me about your fears. Like you said, you can't just bottle it up all the time. So whenever you get bad thoughts, just tell me okay? I think it'd make us both feel better in the end. That way you can get it off your chest and I can reassure you in whatever way I can."

It was difficult for Phil to turn and face Dan, but he did, forced himself to look him in the eye despite how difficult it was. "It was my fault you walked away," Phil countered. He hadn't gone about that properly at all, he knew that now. He hadn't meant to accuse Dan of not wanting him after they went home. He'd meant to ask for reassurance. He was just stupid. Still, Phil couldn't deny it would likely make it difficult for him to want to talk to Dan in the future, because he wouldn't know how to do it right. He lowered his gaze. "I can try. I can... I can promise to try and come to you, but I... I hurt you, Dan. And... I don't know how to make it better." Phil's heart still ached, and he could feel the tears prickling again. He hated this. He hated this so much. "I don't know how to reassure you that I - that I want everything with you, and that my fears and insecurities don't change anything. Not really. I don't - I don't know what you need from me."

Dan could already feel a permanent frown settling on his features. He absolutely hated how Phil blamed everything on himself, as if Dan hadn't had anything to do with their relationship being torn to shreds. Sure, maybe Phil hadn't known how to go about the whole issue, but Dan hadn't done any better. He was just as at fault for this as Phil was. They’d both fucked up equally. "Phil, you're not the only one at fault here. I fucked up just as much as you did. We both didn't know how to deal with the situation and we... we let it damage us more than it should have." Dan entwined their fingers together and squeezed Phil's hand softly, smiling gingerly at him when his boyfriend's eyes started welling up. He untangled one of his hands and raised it to brush Phil's tears away. "It's gonna take a bit of work," Dan admitted, "but we can get there. I know we can. We're stronger than some little fight. We can get through anything. All the reassurance I need is just us working through this and having you come to me when you're feeling... feeling a bit down. You don't have to prove anything to me because I already know that you want to be with me, and I want the same with you. I'm not going anywhere, love."

Phil felt like he was the one at fault, here. He'd caused the fight to begin with, all because he'd been holding back on his fears about going home. Dan had just been trying to express his excitement for the new turn their relationship was going to take, and Phil had come crashing in and ruined it all by freaking out. How could he blame Dan at all for being hurt by that? Phil would have been equally hurt by something like that. Maybe he wouldn't have run away, but how could he blame Dan for panicking? For freaking out and being hurt? No, Phil would take all the blame for this whether Dan wanted him to or not. He shook his head, but Dan wasn't letting him speak up, wasn't letting up, insisting that they had both fucked up and that none of this had had to happen the way it had. His fingers came up to brush away Phil's tears, soft and calming and reassuring all at once, leaving Phil with nothing but a desire to love this boy in front of him. "I know that you love me," Phil insisted, voice broken as he stared at Dan. "I know you do. I swear on my life, Dan, I do. Last night I convinced myself that maybe I didn't, but that's not true. I'm insecure, and a bit of a mess, and I let my thoughts consume me and convince me that - that I'm not worth your love, but I've never - I've never doubted you."

Dan just wished he could make everything better. He wished Phil didn't look so broken, wished he could just tell Phil that it was alright and that they could go back to how they had been. But he didn't say it was okay because they both knew those two small words didn't mean a thing when they were both hurting. Dan's anger from yesterday had subsided, muted to a dull ache in his chest and a strong desire to make everything alright between them once more. He was going to fix this no matter what it took. "Okay," Dan said quietly. "Okay. I'm glad. That- that you know I love you. That's good. Really-" Dan cleared his throat. He felt as if he was going to cry again, voice thick with emotion. He was so tired of crying. "Really fucking good,” he said, with so much emotion he didn’t know how he didn’t burst. Without another thought, he was pushing Phil back down to the mattress until they were both lying down. Dan tangled their legs together and laid his ear on Phil's chest where he could hear his heart beating just slightly too fast. Dan closed his eyes and just listened to the thrum.

It seemed that the words had been exactly what Dan needed to hear. Finally, Phil had done something right, and Dan tackling Phil was the best feeling in the world. He still felt choked up and stupid and upset, but Dan was in his arms again, desperately holding onto Phil this time rather than the other way around. It felt good, holding Dan, having his boyfriend's body pressed to his and his ear over Phil's heart, like he just wanted to hear him. Despite the tears in Phil's eyes, and the way he kind of hated himself for every hurting Dan at all, Phil reached up and held him tight, taking a moment to just piece Dan back together again. They could deal with Phil's issues later - for right now, Phil just needed to make sure Dan knew he loved him, and knew that Dan loved him in return. "I know you love me, Dan. I promise," he whispered, and leaned back down again to press a lingering kiss to the top of Dan's head. His voice was still all choked up and broken, but he could do nothing other than pray that Dan believed him.

Phil pressed a soft kiss to the top of Dan's head, so gentle it was like he was afraid to break him. Dan shivered at the feeling, and couldn't help it when tears started to leak from his eyes. He sniffled, trying to keep it all in, but it didn't work. As if Phil had flipped a switch, Dan was suddenly crying. Hard. Just as hard as he had when he'd finished the painting of Phil and had felt all of his emotions come rushing back tenfold. He was just so emotional. Thankful, even, that Phil even still wanted to be with him even though he'd abandoned him. He knew that Phil believed he loved him, but he also knew things weren't really that simple at the moment. He tightened his hold on Phil and buried his head into his boyfriend's chest, trying to stop his tears. "I really- really fucking love you," Dan whimpered, voice muffled by Phil's sleep shirt. "I-I don't ever w-want to lose y-you. I swear to g-god, I'm going to t-take you on that d-date when we get h-home."

Phil could feel a lump forming in his throat again, threatening to choke him as Dan began to cry in earnest, falling apart in Phil's arms and twisting to properly bury his face in Phil's chest. Phil's arms came up to really embrace Dan, then, holding him as tightly as he could, and rocking him with tiny shushing noises as he cried, even as he himself wanted to cry as well. He couldn't help the wet laugh at Dan's words, at how he promised to take Phil on that date, and silently agreed that he couldn't lose Dan. It was the last thing he ever wanted, as he dragged Dan up further so he was properly pressed to Phil, and shoved his face into Dan's hair so he could cry silently there as well. "So take me," he agreed brokenly, and wrapped his body around Dan, kept him close and secure and his.

Phil was pulling him close to his body, and Dan felt more secure than he had since this entire fiasco had began. Phil was crying into his hair, and Dan was letting it happen, too tired to complain anymore as they both just let their emotions out. They were crying together, and in a fucked up way it made Dan feel a lot better, like they were connected. They were sharing their emotions together, their chests pressed together, and Dan could finally push away the anxiety he had that Phil didn't want to be with him. They were going to be okay, and Dan was going to be able to bring Phil on that date with him. He melted into Phil's embrace. "Gonna date you so hard when we get outta here," Dan mumbled. He pressed a chaste kiss to Phil's collarbone. "You'll just have to deal with it, I suppose."

Dan's voice was all stuffed up by the time he spoke again, but Phil didn't care. He was equally as stuffed up, sniffling against Dan's hair and trying to pull himself together because he could feel Dan doing the same, and he wanted to be able to talk to him more, reassure him more, do his damned best to make things alright between them again. Dan could always make Phil laugh, though, apparently, as he did now, with Phil sounding extra ridiculous with how he was still half-crying. "Want you too," he agreed quickly. "Want this to feel real," he murmured, and then quickly hated himself for it. "No, I - I just mean, it'll be different outside of camp, I just meant it'll feel like more...when we're not so isolated. When we can do more together. When I can - when I can do everything I've ever wanted with you."

Dan didn't even have it in him to feel offended once again when Phil practically implied that their relationship wasn't real. He knew that it wasn't what Phil meant, and it was even clearer from how he immediately panicked and tried to correct himself. His voice was thick and he was speaking so quickly that he was stumbling over his words, making Dan giggle slightly. "You nerd," Dan said lightly, emotion clear in his tone. He lifted his head so he could look at Phil, and his lips tilted up in a small smile. "I get what you mean. I can't wait to be free and actually do things together rather than just think about them. It'll be amazing." He leaned up a bit and nudged Phil's nose with his, eyes fluttering. "Kiss?" Dan asked softly. He had a strong pull in his chest that was telling him to kiss Phil, and he wasn't going to ignore it.

Being offered to kiss Dan, after all of this, despite having gotten to kiss him goodnight last night, felt like the best outcome in the world. There had been a moment, when Dan had been ignoring him, that Phil had lost hope, and now, with Dan in his arms all over again, that hope was back. Dan wasn't going to leave him, no, not for fucking up and not because he would go home and decide that he'd made a mistake with Dan. Dan was going to keep him, and the thought of that was... frankly, amazing. Phil didn't waste another second before he was reaching up and bracketing Dan's face with his hands before dragging him into the sweetest kiss he could muster. Unlike last night, he didn't try so hard, didn't push himself to show Dan everything he felt, he just kissed him as sweetly as he could, licking into his mouth gently and slowly. Dan responded to him easily, opening up to him, and even sighing into the kiss like it was all the soothing he'd ever needed. Things weren't perfect, weren't completely okay, Phil knew that, but they felt like they were mending. Phil felt as though this was something they could actually manage, and that was more than he could have asked for last night.

As soon as Dan was asking for a kiss, Phil was granting it to him. His hands were soft as they caressed Dan's face, as were his lips when they kissed. Dan absolutely melted. He sighed as Phil licked into his mouth and allowed his body to respond naturally, opening his mouth and letting Phil's tongue slip inside. Phil's mouth was warm against his, tasting sweet and familiar, even though they both definitely had morning breath. Dan didn't care because it was the most intimate thing in the world and it was exactly what he needed right then - a reassurance that Phil wasn't going anywhere even when he first woke up and was probably less than presentable. Phil was giving him everything he asked for, kissing him lazily and in the way that Dan loved more than anything, and his hands were warm against Dan's skin. In that moment, it didn't matter that they'd both been hurt the past day. They still had each other and that's all Dan really needed.

Phil was forced to pull away again when he found he couldn't breathe, nose too stuffy to keep him going while he made out with Dan. It was more than a little disappointing, as he'd missed kissing Dan all of yesterday afternoon, but breathing was more important at the moment. Phil's eyes were wet as he stared at Dan, gaze burning and serious as he said, "I am always going to love you, Dan. I don't want anyone else. I don't. And I am determined to do everything I can to keep you." Phil pressed another swift kiss to Dan's lips, then, eyes closing briefly, before he pulled back away, resting his forehead against Dan's. His fingers stroked at Dan's cheeks as he breathed against him, uncaring that they both had terrible morning breath and looked a mess, getting snot and tears everywhere.

The kiss didn't last nearly as Dan wanted it to, but it was understandable considering they were both having a hard time breathing anyways. As it turns out, kissing is relatively difficult when you both had been crying, resulting in stuffy noses far too clogged to be able to breathe correctly. Then Phil was backing away, staring into Dan's eyes with his own serious blue ones, and Dan shivered at the intensity. "I know," Dan whispered. And he did. He knew that Phil loved him, knew that he'd do anything to keep him. Even if things weren't perfect right then, Dan was sure things could only go up from here. "I love you too, Phil. I'm not going anywhere, and I don't think I'd let you leave even if you wanted to," Dan teased, running his hands over Phil's sides and poking him to show he was kidding. He liked that they were able to joke, at least a little bit, now. He was feeling strangely soft as Phil leaned their foreheads together, rubbing fingers over his tear-clad cheeks. Dan closed his eyes and let himself bask in the feeling of closeness.

Phil managed a small laugh in response to Dan, but mostly, he just appreciated that Dan thought that way, that Dan would be willing to cling on to Phil even in their worst of times. That was enough for Phil, for now. That was enough, because he was tired of fighting, and crying, and hating himself. He was tired of the voice in his head, and the niggling fear that he wasn't ever going to be good enough. Dan thought he was good enough. Dan loved him. Dan was promising that that wasn't going to change - and Phil was going to accept that. So he settled into Dan's hold, let their foreheads remain touching, and rested in his boyfriends arms. They had time to meet up with their friends later. They had time, to say goodbye to the camp. They had time, to make sure that they made up for the loss of yesterday. They could stay here, resting in each other's arms for a little while longer.

Just laying in Phil's arms like this with no interruptions was exactly what Dan needed at the moment. He liked feeling loved, liked the warmth that came along with Phil's embrace. Phil was always so warm and it made Dan feel like he was safe. Like he was home. Even though they had been through a rough time the past day, they were still in their little sanctuary, and that was all Dan really wanted. He dozed off for a bit, the thrum of Phil's heartbeat lulling him to sleep, and was awoken only when he started to stretch and shuffle within Phil's arms. It took him a moment to realize where he was, but when he did, he looked up and smiled softly at Phil. He felt a bit disgusting after not taking a shower or brushing his teeth that morning and decided that they should probably start getting ready.

Sometime later, Dan began to stir under Phil, and Phil opened his eyes to find Dan staring up at him with a tiny smile. It was heartwarming enough to make Phil smile automatically in response, and he didn't even mind it so much when Dan pulled back and away, gently slipping out of Phil's arms. Phil craved the chance to reach out and hold him again, but he held back. There was no use in being a clingy boyfriend right now, when they both needed to get up and do something to get themselves out of this funk.

"I need to get ready," Dan murmured quietly, trying his best to slip out of Phil's hold without jostling him too much. Phil was watching him with a slight smile, an expression so warm on his face that it made Dan's heart burst. He giggled and leaned back in to kiss Phil once, twice, on the lips. "I'll see you in a bit, yeah? Then we can get something to eat and have some fun." At Phil's confirmation, Dan left the cabin and went to his own where he could finally get ready, the warm water of the shower beating down on his shoulders and finally relaxing his tense muscles. It was much different than the cold shower he'd had last night, and he watched as the white paint from his face and hands disappeared down the drain. He imagined that it was the bad memories washing away, a promise of new experiences replacing them.  

(Next)

Captain America

Film Ho! Away we go, off on another adventure into the world of Marvel madness where anything can happen and there don’t seem to be any rules to govern it. This time I have a bag of M&Ms and a Kitkat gobble down (or up) while Captain American saves the day from probably another baddy or wrongen like in the other films.

I have to say that this isn’t one that I’ve been looking forward to. The idea of a superhero named after their nation of origin seems pretty shameless and I can’t think of any other nations that would allow it. Captain England? Sounds racist. Captain France? They never win anything. Captain China? Communism doesn’t really allow for special treatment of individuals. Captain Germany? I mean... maybe between 1933-1945 but not exactly the most popular character these days. Captain America though works because Americans really do believe that they’re the best; they’re hopelessly patriotic and to the point of international embarrassment, seemingly lacking the self awareness to understand why everyone else doesn’t behave the same way in regards to their own countries as they do about theirs. So when Captain America was released it made perfect sense... of course they have a superhero called Captain America, of course they do. 

Nevertheless. This is the next one in the series so its the next one that I’m watching. I’ll keep as open a mind as I have for the others too, which is to say that I’ll be looking for every excuse to mock and discredit it.

Holy Mackerel! Is that a UFO? That’s obviously what we’re supposed to think from all that talk about weather balloons (alla Roswell)

I wonder if those guys volunteered to be the first ones down there, we didn’t see the discussion that went on before they were lowered down but I bet it wasn’t exactly anyone’s idea of a fun day out in the tundra.

I feel like they’re about to stumble upon a room filled with large slimy eggs and a bunch of corpses with massive holes in their chests.

Okay, flashback. Now we’re in norway during the second world war and some un-subtitled foreign language bits with Filtch from Harry Potter.

Oh no, its the Skulltopusses! They’re obviously not goodies are they, not with a logo like that.

Oh they’re Nazis...definitely baddies!

The priceless jewel of a norse god? 

be a shame if something happened to it... whoopsie! 

What? This kid! Face of a 40 year old, body like he’s 12. This must be CGI right? He’s like a fucking ventriloquist’s puppet!

There you go! You could be like Little Timmy!

It’s my fetish!

Oh shit, it’s the Stark Expo! List like in the Movies!

Is that Mr.Incredible? Didn’t realize they were Marvel

You’re going to hate the future of your country, they’re the worlds bullies now.

Oh yes, the ancients had use of this futuristic techno cube. That’s why they were so advanced! It has just been kept a secret from mainstream historians.

You mean its a metaphor for the Atom bomb?

A female drill Sargent in the 40s? Yep, just rewrite the past and pretend than nothing bad aver happened. Women have always been equal. See! She just knocked a man to the ground with her fists! You’ve had your token strong female now shut up and get back in the kitchen.

Better do some more talking about how great men are now, just in case that lost us any favor with our main demographic.

CHEATING - THE AMERICAN WAY

Even their female drill Sargent is dishing out sexist insults... I know it’s the 40s but we’ve already established that we’re not holding on to historically accurate social structures.

Alright then! You won me over. Let’s invest a ton of money and resources on the kid with a death wish.

Not another Incredible Hulk narrative! Didn’t you learn anything, that mess was a total flop.

Don’t worry kiddo, I’m an Alcoholic!

Oh, so that’s why she’s there... Seriously these films are horrendously transparent.

And nobody questions where all the uniformed military personnel who go into that antique shop every morning disappear to until 5pm?

He kind of looks like the lead singer of Franz Ferdinand crossed with a character from Golden Eye on N64 with big head mode turned on.

You’re not a scientist...

Quiet my dear, the men are working here. (classic Stark)

Oh! they cured him, now his head fits his body!

Shifty guy looking around the place, probably nothing to worry about.

He can run! Faster than a car!

 He can rump! Over a fence!

Doesn’t need shoes, the serum was 20% hobbit blood.

No way, he’s got a freaking thunderbird! Good thing Captain American can swim faster than a thunderbird. 

This guy has a near perfect Werner Herzog impression.

Double NAZIS!

HAHA, I hope that’s his actual outfit for the rest of the film. Propaganda man! They’re not subtle are they.

Haha, he’s like Link from Ocarina of Time when you only have the kids equipment; that tiny sword and deku shield.

I love how they’re pretending pageantry this is over the top. America is actually like this.. I’ve been! Also why did they spend all this time, money and science to beef up an amateur actor? There are loads of beefy actors right? Especially in the 40′s when people ate meat for breakfast!

Yup that’s all you are, a dancing monkey on a unicycle.

You should have been able to juggle American flags too.

Literally every film, somebody jumps out of a plane.

Why did he take that wooden shield with him? Isn’t it a bit of a give away that he’s an enemy? literally sticks out like a sore thumb. 10/10 for balls -1000 for common sense.

It’s WW2 but there’s laser guns because real war isn’t exciting enough for the kids of today.

BOOM! Yes, I was starting to get cold turkey since our last explosion.

Oof! Right in the face. That’s it guys, game over.

OH SHIT, That German dude, Agent smith with the Herzog impression just pulled of his whole entire face.

How does he smell?

Terrible.

All the thunderbirds! German engineering at its finest there.

EXPLOSION! 

Obviously they’re not dead though. Can you imagine if they were just dead. The rest of the film is about Sargent Sex Appeal and Colonel Wrinkles... I mean I’d watch that.

In a way I’m a bit disappointed.

Such a fucking do-gooder.

What? Why are there so many airships over London? Was that ever a thing? I’m pretty sure it was a thing in Germany but in London too?

Cor blimey Guvnor!

Knew she was a love interest. You don’t pop up halfway through the film in a red dress like that and not snog the main character.

Ooo! Look who it is Margery Tyrell! Looking all kinds of 1940s sexy. She’s too sexy though, sexy like a female antagonist! I DON’T TRUST HER! She’ll make a Joffrey of him given half the chance!

U mad? apparently not worried about recoil at least.

That uniform is so dumb. It literally defeats the object of a uniform since everyone else is wearing something different. It made sense when he was dancing on stage since he was supposed to stand out and all the dancing girls matched him. There’s a reason why army uniforms are green too. They used to be red and blue and the solders were really easy to see and shoot from a distance. Is Captain American a bullet proof? No he isn’t because he needs his vibranium shield to protect him, that’s why they made him have one of those.

They had Ironman in the 40s too! Is there literally any time in history where there wasn’t some kind of Ironman. Increasingly Tony Stark is looking like a plagiarist wannabe.

Old redface looks like he’s made of playdough doesn’t he.

DOUBLE NAZI

Kill self. That’s a hard no from me. How is he expected to deal with the inevitable effects of PTSD after this is over?

Bike race!

GOGO GADGET WASHING LINE

GOGO GADGET FLAME THROWER EXHAUST

GOGO GADGET CANONS!

This guy is incredible at frisbee. Where did he go to college? I wonder what their ultimate team is called?

Fucking hipsters!

I’m still not sure how they went from the future cube to those blue vaporizing guns... I’m starting to doubt the credibility of the science in this film. Irritating because so far in the MCU its all been pretty reliable fact based drama, 99.9% verifiable peer reviewed science.

NO! he’s going to blow up the sea!?

Why would a kamikaze bomb plane bother with an ejection seat though?

They never do...

Oooh ‘ek!

So they’re not even going to have a little PG kiss with Sargent Sex Appeal? He really is the pansiest superhero yet. Even hulk managed to get a kiss.

Ohhhhh! So that’s what we were looking at in the opening scene!

Didn’t that cube melt through metal earlier? How is that robot thing able to grab it now? 

I hope he’s shrunk again...

Awwh, that would’ve been funny.

WHAT!? He’s broken out of the matrix!

 Also she didn’t age a day?

Nicky the patch! Sort him out will you!

Well you blew it. You’re going to have to settle for her granddaughter.

The real agenda here. 

Okay let’s see the after credits thingy...

Oh its just an advert for the next film is it? That must have been exciting at the time but lets face it, we all knew it was coming.

THE END

That’s it for this one guys. I have to say I didn’t hate it. I think they’re getting better as they go but still some hilariously bad moments sprinkled throughout. 

BEST ACTOR: – Casey Affleck as Lee Chandler, an ornery, reclusive janitor who becomes a reluctant guardian for his nephew. In MANCHESTER BY THE SEA – Andrew Garfield As Private Desmond Doss, a real-life WW2 combat medic who won the medal of honour despite never carrying a gun. In HACKSAW RIDGE – Ryan Gosling as Sebastian, a struggling jazz pianist who falls for a struggling actress. In LA LA LAND – Viggo Mortensen as Ben, an off the grid father of 10 whose unconventional parenting methods are tested when he takes his kids to their mother’s funeral In CAPTAIN FANTASTIC – Denzel Washington As Troy Maxson, an ex-ball player turned alcoholic garbage man and resentful family man In FENCES Who Will Win? At the start of this, it seemed like the winner would be Casey Affleck all the way. But now it looks like Denzel Washington will be taking the top spot away from him. It had to be quite a challenging role for Ben Affleck’s little brother. His character is a withdrawn reclusive who avoids meaningful conversations at all cost. So, Affleck faces the task of making us feel for a character who shuts people out. On top of that, Lee isn’t the most pleasant guy to get along with, often picking fights with random strangers just for looking at him. Despite his flaws, we still empathize with Lee, thanks to Affleck’s performance. Though he doesn’t show it, he still love his family and is willing to take care of his nephew. But he’s torn between his duty to care for Patrick and his desire to send him to another guardian so he can return to his reclusive life. Through his restrained performance, Affleck still brings out signs of emotions billowing inside of Lee, trying to get out. When someone tries to start a conversation with him, he politely tries to finish the conversation as quickly as possible. Like Patrick, you wish he would break out of his shell and try to connect with people, but he always disappoints you. What makes it sadder is seeing the man he once was. In the flashback scenes, Lee is a different person; a happy, social average joe who enjoys drinking with his buddies and playing with his children. But then he goes through a tragedy so traumatizing he’s unable to bring himself out of his psychological shell. Affleck was the frontrunner for winning this award, but some factors have derailed his success. First, there’s sexual harassment allegations made against him by I’m Not There co-workers. The Jury’s still out about whether he’s guilty, but it can still hurt his chances. The biggest factor working against him is Denzel Washington winning the Screen Actors Guild Award for Best Actor; an award well known for its 90% accuracy in predicting the Best Actor Oscar. So, it looks like Denzel is the new frontrunner. Denzel seems to be taking roles less squeaky clean then his previous roles. His most recent roles include a paranoid drug kingpin in American Gangster, A manipulative fugitive in Safe House and a drug addicted pilot in Flight.[1] Now he portrays a bitter alcoholic, philandering father, a role he’s portrayed on Broadway[2]. The power of Denzel’s performance is best conveyed when Troy’s son Corey asks him “How come you never liked me.” Often shown in the trailers, this scene sums up Troy’s complicated relationship with his son. Troy doesn’t hide his contempt toward his son when he demands to know “what law is there saying I got to like you?” He reveals his need for dominance through his interrogation, insisting Corey always put “Sir” at the end of an answer. And yet, he also makes his sense of duty clear when he says he does it because it’s his duty as a father to take care of Troy. When he tells Corey to care more about whether he’s being treated right by others, Troy’s bringing in his experience coping with racism. There’s complex layers of character in these two minutes. I also admire the fact Denzel chose to make his character look pathetic. He puts on a few pounds to convey Troy having let himself go. He also never hides the fact he’s an unlikable cad who bullies his son and takes advantage of his wife. Though he makes his motivations understandable, Denzel never excuses Troy’s resentful behavior. It certainly doesn’t excuse his drinking or philandering. So, it looks like Denzel has a high chance of taking home the award, but his success isn’t 100% certain. This could be among the 10% chance the SAGS will get it wrong this year. BEST ACTRESS: – Isabelle Huppert as Michelle Leblanc, a ruthless video-game CEO seeking revenge on her mysterious rapist In ELLE – Ruth Negga as Mildred Loving, a real life timid housewife turned reluctant civil rights activist when her interracial marriage was taken to court In LOVING – Natalie Portman as Jackie Kennedy, the first lady as she copes with her husband’s assassination In JACKIE – Emma Stone as Mia, a struggling actress who falls for a failed jazz pianist In LA LA LAND – Meryl Streep As Florence Foster Jenkins, real life ailing socialite who achieved her dream of singing for Carnegie Hall, even though she’s one of the worst singers ever. In FLORENCE FOSTER JENKINS Who Will Win? At first, it seemed like Natalie Portman would win a second-best actress Oscar for her play Jackie Kennedy. But two actresses have jumped ahead; Isabelle Huppert and Emma Stone. Though not a big name in North America, Huppert is an arthouse darling in home country of France. The most obsessed moviegoer will recognize her from such arthouse films as infamous flop Gates of Heaven, Best Foreign Language film winner Amour and The Piano Teacher, a role that earned her a best actress award at the Cannes film festival. Now she’s sure to get more mainstream attention with this performance. The film literally begins with Michelle being raped by a masked stranger. Actually, it begins with the image of Michelle’s cat watching Michelle being raped. The moment the rapist leaves, Michelle just cleans up the mess and moves on with her everyday life. When asked about her bruises, she claims they’re from a bike accident. She seems completely unaffected by the rape. Michelle is a rape victim who refuses to play the role of a rape victim. In fact, she is a very unsympathetic person. She’s a video game CEO who creates sexually violent video games. She’s very disrespectful to her co-workers, especially her business partner. She’s only slightly nicer to her friends. Though when you meet her mother, you can understand where she gets her attitude. You don’t feel any pity for her, and yet she remains engaging throughout the film. If anything, we’re more fascinated by her. Why does she go on with her everyday life? Does she know who the rapist is? Why is this guy still tormenting her? She is an enigma. But the more popular choice is Emma Stone. While Huppert many have won the Golden Globe award for best actress in a drama, Stone has won award after award for her performance, including the Golden Globe for best actress in a comedy/musical. She’s not even thirty yet and she’s set to win her Oscar. Of the two romantic leads, Mia goes through the most hardship. While Sebastian battles for his artistic integrity, he still catches a couple breaks halfway through the film. Mia isn’t as lucky. Mia dreams of being a movie actress, but the odds are stacked against her. At audition, she’s competing against other actresses “prettier” than her. She finds herself reading for indifferent casting directors more focused on their cell phones than on her performance. The result is rejection after rejection. She’s fortunate to work at a coffee stop on a studio lot, but even the scheduling proves a problem when she gets notification of an immediate audition. She’s torn between the hope of achieving her dream and the doubt that asks if she should just quit and return home. This comes to a head when she hits a soul crushing low point. As they’ve already proven in Crazy Stupid Love and Gangster Squad, Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling have great chemistry together. They play off each other beautifully, creating a feeling of genuine love. During dance numbers, they manage to play off each other without ever saying one word. Speaking of dancing, while they aren’t exactly Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, these two are still graceful on their feet, whether they’re tapping on a LA road or waltzing across the night sky. But Stone truly signs in her solo number “Audition.” With a hushed tone, Mia starts out telling a story to some casting directors, but as the lights go out, she sings about the struggles dreamers go through to achieve their goals. She delivers a lot power through her subtle voice. When in doubt, go for the popular choice. So, Emma Stone it is. BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: – Mahershala Ali as Juan, a soft-spoken drug dealer who becomes a reluctant father figure for Chiron In MOONLIGHT – Jeff Bridges as Marcus Hamilton, an aging Texas Ranger investigating a series of bank robberies during the recession In HELL OR HIGH WATER – Lucas Hedges as Patrick Chandler, a teenager placed in the care of his ornery Uncle Lee In MANCHESTER BY THE SEA – Dev Patel as Saroo Brierley, a real life adopted son who begins an obsessive search for his biological family In LION – Michael Shannon as Officer Bobby Andes, a cancer stricken, hard-nosed cop who bends the law to give a father (Jake Gyllenhaal) a chance to avenge his family. In NOCTURAL ANIMALS Who Will Win? My drama teacher would always say “There are no small parts, just small actors.” No performance embodied this mantra more perfectly than Mahershala Ali’s in Moonlight. Though only onscreen for the first third of the film, Ali leaves an indelible impression on the audience. Going against the stereotypical drug dealer archetype, Juan seems like an everyday nice guy. When he checks up on fellow dealers, Ali portrays it more like he’s having a coffee break with friends. He is especially a gentleman towards Chiron, offering the boy some macaroni while he tries to find out where he lives. He is also very patient to the kid, who starts off too shy to even speak. He shows an excellent skill in his parenting, especially in a scene he teaches the boy to swim. In some time, he seems like the perfect role model for Chiron. At least, he would be if it weren’t for the fact he’s a drug dealer. This comes to a head when he finds Chiron’s mom Paula smoking crack one night. When he chastises her for it, she points out the drugs came from him, forcing him to confront the consequences of his trade on children. Ali brings a gentle power to his performance, creating an unforgettable character in Juan. You wish there were more scenes with Juan. BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: – Viola Davis for FENCES As Rose, Troy’s loving, put upon wife – Naomie Harris for MOONLIGHT As Chiron’s drug addicted mother Paula – Nicole Kidman for LION As Sue Brierley, An Australian step mother who adopts who Indian boys – Octavia Spencer for HIDDEN FENCES As Dorothy Vaughan, a brilliant mathematician who led a team of African American women in assisting NASA with their first successful space launch. – Michelle Williams for MANCHESTER BY THE SEA As Randi Chandler, Lee’s ex-wife. In a powerful scene, she confesses her regrets to her ex-husband. Who Will Win? It’s Viola Davis all the way. As the film starts, Rose is a supportive wife and mother to Troy and Corey, respectively. Throughout the film, she tries to get Troy to let Corey accept the football scholarship, but Troy keeps refusing. It’s clear she loves Troy, but as the film progresses, she reveals her weariness of putting up with his surly attitude toward life. She tries to get Troy to let Corey accept the football scholarship, but to no avail. Davis’s really gets her chance to shine when Troy reveals a devastating revelation to Rose. Seeing her struggle to restrain herself in front of guests is devastating. The moment they are alone, she finally lets him have it. When Troy complains about staying in the same place for 18 years, Rose counters with “Well, I’ve been standing with you. I’ve been giving 18 years of my life to stand in the same spot of you.” She tearfully calls Troy out for never taking her feelings into consideration, demanding to know “Don’t you think I have a life? Don’t you think I have dreams?” Just this scene is enough to get her the Oscar. She also has an excellent scene in the end which I won’t give away. Trust me, you’ll know it when you see it. You can see why Davis won the Tony award for portraying the same role on stage. She’s guaranteed to have this Oscar to place between her Tony and her Emmy win for How to Get Away with Murder. [3] [1] For which he was also nominated for Best Actor. [2] And won a Tony award for. [3] If only she had a singing career, then she’d probably win a Grammy and become a member of EGOT.