#and we all understand life in different ways
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[[and then I met you || ch. 21]]
Series: Daredevil || Pairing: Matt Murdock x Fem!Reader || Rating: Explicit
Summary:
A one-night stand years ago gave you a daughter and you are now able to put a name to her father – Matthew Murdock. Everything is about to change again as you navigate trying to integrate your life with that of the handsome and charming blind lawyer’s and Matt realizes he needs to not only protect his new family from Hell's Kitchen, but from the world.
chapter masterlist
Words: 4k
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“Ahhhh.”
You open your mouth wide so Doctor Minnie can shine her flashlight down your throat. She hums and haws as she peers in, looking for who knows what, and when she concludes her search, she scribbles on your chart. Your chart is a piece of notebook paper with a wonderfully drawn crayon portrait in the corner, your name carefully written out across the top, and timestamps with detailed notes of each check up you have received today. These notes include squiggles that could be interpreted as cursive and the letters a, m, and q repeated over and over.
“You needs to drink more water and puts the towel on your ear,” your daughter tells you seriously. It is the same treatment you have gotten all morning, so you are well prepared for it.
“Thank you, Doctor.”
Minnie gives you a big smile, then whirls around to bark orders, “Nurse! We needs more water! Please, thank you!”
Matt is on the other side of the coffee table, sitting cross legged as he manipulates pipe cleaners around popsicle sticks. He and Minnie have been working on an art project for the better part of the morning - between your hourly check ups. He got his own checkup this morning and earned a band-aid on his cheek, but your daughter has been obsessed with making sure you are okay.
You are in no way complaining over her dotting - you more than understand this is how she is coping with what happened and you are more than happy to receive fake shots and orders to stay sitting on the couch. Whatever makes her feel safe and happy.
You know her father feels the same way.
He raises himself into standing, the smallest smile forming on his lips as he falls into his role, “Yes, Doctor. How many ccs?”
Minnie rubs her chin in thought, and you have to bite your lip so you won’t start laughing. She’s been so intense playing doctor, and you don’t want to discourage her. You are worried any teasing might upset her and that is the last thing you want to do at the moment, especially given the circumstances.
She finally decides on a number and declares, “Six!”
“Six ccs of water coming right up,” Matt tells her. He plucks your still half-full water bottle from the coffee table and starts towards the kitchen. Mouse watches him go, squinting her little eyes like she’s either judging him or trying to remember something.
Apparently, it is the latter, as she gasps, then calls after him, “And appy juice!”
Matt gives a dramatic gasp and turns to face the both of you, “And appy juice? Are you sure, Doctor?”
Minnie giggles, clearly amused by her Daddy’s antics. There’s a difference between teasing and playing along, and Matt is king at being Mouse’s partner in crime. You’ve seen a different side of your daughter come out when she’s around him - a little bolder and more sure of herself - and you want nothing more than to encourage that.
“It’s for me!” Your little one says between her laughs and that makes Matt smile brighter.
“Ah, a drink after a hard day's work. Six ccs of water for Mommy and one appy juice for the Doctor.”
“What do you say, Mouse?”
“Thank you, Nurse!”
As Matt gets your drinks together, you help Minnie out of her Doctor’s coat and you fuss with folding it as she starts to put her check-up toys back into their bag. She must be getting tired if she is asking for her juice, but she looks completely alert and like she could keep playing for another hour or so before slowing down. She woke up at her normal time this morning, but at some point in the night she wound up in your bed. You don’t blame her at all for that.
You’ve been on your own roller coaster of emotions this morning.
You woke up in a cold sweat - memories of being strangled flying through your mind - and the only thing that had been able to calm you was Matt’s arm around you. It helped to keep you grounded - remind you that you weren’t alone and that you were safe.
(“I love you.”)
No one can touch you or your baby if he is there and it isn’t some hindbrain ‘man protect woman’ nonsense.
Matt is a superhero in the most literal sense.
He has powers and an armored suit and fights bad guys.
It is hard to wrap your mind around and you have so many questions, but you both agreed to wait until Minnie took her nap to talk. This isn’t a conversation you can have over her head.
Minnie finishes picking up her toys just as Matt returns from his task. He lets her climb up onto the couch and settle against your side before handing over her juice. Your water gets placed on the table and you thank him before turning your eyes to your daughter.
“What do you want to watch, sweetie?”
“Penguins,” she answers, right before starting to nurse her juice. You found a video about the life of penguins that is toddler friendly a few days prior and it is quickly becoming a favorite. The documentary is a nice change from the cartoons that usually make up your television time and you are fine to watch it for the upteenth time.
Matt takes his place on Minnie’s other side, practically squishing her between you, and the three of you begin to quietly learn about the flightless tuxedo wearing birds. The video is a little less than thirty minutes long and by the time it is wrapping up, Mouse’s chin is on her chest, and she is snoring. In a silent agreement, you let Matt take care of putting her into bed for her nap. Though he has done it a few times now, he still cherishes the moment in a way you no longer do.
Your heart beats a little harder when Matt and Minnie disappear down the hallway. Your stomach swirls with anxiety over the talk you know is coming - though in a strange way you are not scared. You trust Matt to tell you the truth, but you are not sure you want to learn those truths. Doors you never even knew existed are opening to you and part of you wants to stay naive to the ongoings around you, but you know you can’t do that.
This is part of Matt’s world, and if he wants to be in Minnie’s, you need to know everything about it.
As you wait for Matt to return, you close your eyes and try to take a few deep breaths. It does nothing to calm your heart or mind, but it gives you something to focus on. You do not want to work yourself up by overthinking - that would just make things worse for everyone. So you count to five between inhales and exhales until you hear the door to the bedroom close.
(“I love you.”)
It feels like you stop breathing until the cushion beside you dips.
Your anxiety is flaring - your throat feels so tight and there is so much pressure on your chest. You know there isn’t a reason for your body to be reacting like this, but you don’t know how to stop it. You feel like you are trapped under your own worries, and you can’t escape.
“You’re terrified,” Matt says in a dull voice from beside you and you have to pry your eyes open to look at him. He looks so resigned and neutral, and your heart manages to pang for him between being crushed.
You don’t know what he could possibly be going through - you are finally alone with him, and your mind has decided you need to have an anxiety attack. Does he think you think he’ll hurt you or something just as ridiculous?
You may have only known Matt for a short time, but you trust him. He hasn’t done anything to break that trust and he has shown you he cares. He sat with you in the hospital and stayed with you after until he knew you were okay to be on your own.
He’s gone out of his way for you on so many occasions.
He’s made you feel safe.
Wanted.
Loved.
(“I love you.”)
(“I love you.”)
(“I love you.”)
Your mind is spinning and panicking and everything is so intense, but your mouth, as always, decides to work without permission.
“Will you hold me?”
The words shock you. You’ve never asked anyone to hold you - you generally don’t like to be touched - but when Matt’s arms are around you, the world seems a little more stable.
Matt seems just as taken aback as you are over the request. It takes him a moment to act, but then he chokes out, “Of course,” and opens his arms to you.
You turn towards each other, you bringing one leg up to tuck under yourself, and slot together. Your arms go around his middle and you press your face into his neck, while one of his hands goes to your hair to hold you in place and the other starts rubbing up and down your spine.
The relief is almost instant.
You release a long shaky breath and nuzzle yourself closer to him. He smells like your body wash and coffee, and he feels so solid against you. You feel like a shield has wrapped around you and nothing can get to you - not the all the day to day things you worry about like bills and messages you need to respond to nor all the evil things that lurk in the shadows.
For once in your life, you feel like you're not alone.
“I’ve got you,” Matt breathes into your ear and you believe him.
“You’ve got me,” you repeat into his shoulder. You can hear how watery your voice sounds and you tell yourself you won’t cry.
(“I love you.”)
You fall into a brief silence - you need a moment to recenter yourself and Matt seems to realize that. You feel him press a kiss to the side of your head as he continues to pet you and you have no idea why that helps to soothe your nerves. You let your eyes fall shut and focus on only him.
Once you don’t feel like you’ll get choked up if you start talking, you ask, “Is it okay if we talk like this?”
“Perfectly fine with me,” he whispers against you and you decide to just dive into it.
“You’re Daredevil.”
“I am,” he confirms.
“Will you tell me about it? From the start?”
You feel Matt take a deep breath and to offer him some sort of comfort, you curl your fingers into his shirt, holding onto him a little bit tighter.
“After I lost my dad and went to St. Agnes, they didn’t know how to deal with me. I didn’t have control over my senses, and I was angry at everything. I still don’t know how, but they found a man, Stick, to come help me - to teach me how to be Blind. He taught me more than that. He focused my senses, showed me I had control over them and how I could use them. And he taught me how to fight.” Matt’s words are steady and firm, but you can feel his heart pounding against you.
You absorb the words, a frown forming on your lips, “he taught you to fight? As a child?”
He sighs against you, then nods, “Yes. Stick believed there was a war coming between the Hand and the Chaste and they needed soldiers for the Chaste. I’ll…I can tell you more about that later.”
“Okay.” You want to know more about whatever the Hand and the Chaste are, but you can tell that is an entirely different conversation. One you aren’t quite ready for, yet.
“Stick taught me how to fight and how to use my senses to my advantage. He taught me how to channel my anger. My…my grandmother used to tell me the Devil was in the Murdock boys. And it’s true. I have the Devil in me - all my anger and rage. Stick taught me control. Then he left and I was angry he left, but I kept up my training. I didn’t need to enroll in martial arts classes to be able to learn - I could do it from blocks away. The boxing ring my Dad used to train at let me come in and use the mats and bags and I just kept at it.”
“Were you able to practice with people?” You ask. You know learning things in theory is way different than learning for practicality and fighting doesn’t seem like something you can just know in theory if you are a superhero.
Matt chuckles into your hair, “I got into a lot of fights in the schoolyard. I didn’t put up with bullies and no one wanted to admit I kicked their ass, so I never really got in trouble.”
With what you know of Matt and his personality and sense of justice, that makes perfect sense to you, and you say as much. He kisses your hair again before continuing on.
“When I reached college, I could…understand all the things I was hearing. All of the crime. I did everything I could - legally. I called the cops, I made reports, but more often than not, nothing ever happened. It made me angry - so angry - but my dad never wanted me to fight with my fists. He wanted me to use my head, do things the right way - so I tried. I really tried. For years. Then Foggy and I decided to start our own firm, to help the people in Hell’s Kitchen, really help them, and I couldn’t anymore. I couldn’t listen to the cries of kids being abused by their parents and people getting mugged and my city, the city I love, being poisoned. So, I let the Devil out.”
“And became Daredevil?”
“I did not choose that name,” Matt huffs, “But yes.”
You don’t remember much from when Daredevil first started appearing on the news - you were pregnant the first time you saw him, but you couldn’t pinpoint it. You have no idea what he was doing then.
So, you ask.
“How? How did you let the Devil out?”
Matt doesn’t answer you right away. He noses at your hair and traces his fingers up and down your spine and you have the feeling he’s thinking over his answer.
“I went after all the people poisoning my city. Not just the muggers and abusers. The drug and weapons dealers. The corrupt. There was a man named Fisk who was trying to take over the city, turn it into something it isn’t.”
“I know that name,” you say against him, “I read about it. There were…two cases? Legal ones.”
“Yeah. It was…complicated. It is complicated. We went against him as Nelson and Murdock and I went against him as Daredevil. He’s in prison now and he’ll be staying there,” Matt tells you and you have the feeling you will have to have a whole different discussion about Fisk in the future.
“But what about now? You are still out there fighting.”
“The city still needs protecting.”
It does, you know it does. Your attack is proof of that. You don’t want to think about it and the hands around your throat, so you press your face more into Matt’s neck and force yourself to fast-forward through the memory to something relevant to your current talk.
“You work with other…superheroes?” You ask. “Like Frank?”
“Frank isn’t a superhero and neither am I,” Matt scoffs, “But yes..I’m…learning to work with others. It’s not something I’m used to yet.”
“Tell me about them.”
He hums against you, then starts slowly, “You met Frank. He’s…we don’t get along. We have very different philosophies about how things should work, but he’s a good man. I’d rather be with him than against him and…I trust him to protect the people I care about. He’d fight tooth and nail for Karen - he has, and if I had to choose someone, besides myself, to protect you and Minnie, it would be him.”
Again, you believe Matt. From what you have seen of Frank, and not the Punisher, you think that trust is well earned. If Matt trusts him, you think you should too.
“And there’s Jessica. She is a private investigator and….very strong. Luke is also strong and..uh..bulletproof. He’s dating Claire, who you also met, she’s a nurse who got wrapped up in everything and helps when we get injured. And then Danny and Colleen. They are…” he trails off, like he’s unsure how to describe them and you do not push. You can’t imagine having to describe superheroes.
“What about Foggy and Karen?”
Matt shakes his head, “I try to not involve them in Daredevil things, but it ends up overlapping. They want to help, but I want them to be safe.” He pauses and you can feel him swallow, like he’s nervous. “I tell them everything, though. I used to think I had to keep my lives separate - one as Matt Murdock and one as Daredevil. I’ve tried to live as only Matt and I’ve tried to live as only Daredevil, but neither worked. I’m still finding the balance of living as both, and they help me. They give me rules to follow, make sure the plans I come up with are sound and that all options are considered. That is what I want with you. I want to be open. I want to be able to tell you everything and not keep secrets. I have seen what that does to people in my life and I don’t want that with you.”
You take in his words and let them mull over in your mind.
You can’t ask Matt to stop being Daredevil - you know you can’t. You heard what he said about why he needed to be Daredevil, and you understand that. He can’t sit by and do nothing, and by what he is telling you, he’s trying to be smart about it. He works with people to protect the city - to protect you. Yes, it scares you about all the risks he is taking and how they will translate into your life, but ultimately, the decision is his. If he wanted to keep you in the dark about everything, it would be a different story, but he doesn’t seem to want that. That makes it easier to accept and process - having as many pieces of the puzzle as you can helps you see the whole picture.
You shift slightly in his arms, tucking yourself even closer to him, and ask, “What are you working on now? With Frank?”
Again, he doesn’t answer right away. You let him think over his words as you process. Your anxiety has definitely decreased - you feel like you can breathe and that things are going to be manageable. You can speak with Foggy and Karen and get their perspective on things and it can help you come up with a game plan.
Having a plan is step one in everything being okay.
(“I love you.”)
“Jess, Frank, and I are…,” Matt starts slowly, “trying to help some street kids. They live in the sewers and don't trust the System or cops, but a few of them have gone missing and one has been killed, and they are scared. There's been guys in suits lurking near one of their hang outs and they don't appear in any government database, so we've been trying to track them down.”
Horror runs through you at his words. Someone has been hurting kids? Minnie’s face flashes through your mind and you press yourself closer to Matt.
“Street kids?”
“Mostly teens,” Matt amends. “I gave them information about St. Agnes but I more than get why they don't trust it. The System is horrible. The sewers are the only place they feel safe.” You feel him lick his lips again, then to your surprise, his voice changes from serious to almost fond. “They have a tent city. They let us come down there and bring supplies last week. Blankets and food and stuff. Frank got them a cellphone, so they'll be able to contact us if anything happens.”
Your mind spins at the idea of a bunch of kids living in the sewers. You knew it happened - New York is full of homeless people - but you never thought about it before. Guilt plagues you and you can't help but ask, “Can we help in other ways?”
Matt shakes his head, “Not in the ways you are thinking. We're going to find these guys and put a stop to whatever they are doing and right now that's the best we can do for them. They don't want to come up to the surface and if we try to force them, they'll move and still be in danger. After they know they can trust us and we put a stop to what is happening, we can start the next steps.”
“You'll protect them?” You ask, wanting to hear him say it.
“The kids may be under the streets of Hell's Kitchen, but they are still mine to protect.” His arms tighten around you, and you feel yourself melt against his chest, “And you are mine to protect.”
(“I love you.”)
“How do we protect you?” You ask, wanting to help in some way.
“Like this,” he hums, his fingers tangling into your hair a bit. “By reminding me what I am fighting for. Giving me a reason to live. I’ve been in the depths of Hell, just wanting to give up - give my life over to the Devil and go until my body stopped. I’ve been bloody and broken and alone. I don’t want that again. I want to be here with you. With Minnie. You’re my reason to get back up.”
(“I love you.”)
You press your face flush against his neck, your cheeks heating up at words. “Should I get a better first aid kit? Take CPR classes?”
He chuckles against you, and you feel it vibrate down into his chest, “That wouldn’t be a bad idea.” He pauses then tells you quietly, “Minnie has seen me in my armor, but I’m going to be doing my best to avoid getting injured in a way she can see. I have been working more on my defense - something I never really practiced.”
At the mention of your daughter, you pull back so you can look Matt in the face. Talking where you don’t need to look at his face has been helpful in calming your anxiety, but when it comes to Minnie, you need to look him in his sightless eyes.
“Are you going to train Minnie -”
“No.” Matt cuts you off before you can get the question out. “I’ll teach her how to cartwheel and other fun things, but I will never teach her to fight. I think everyone should take a defensive course to learn to get away, but I don’t want her to punch. I don’t want this anger inside of her. Minnie doesn’t have the Devil in her, and I won’t be the one to put him in her.”
You search his face and know he is telling the truth. You want your daughter to grow up to be a good person, to have as much passion as Matt does about helping the world, but the idea of her suiting up and fighting crime terrifies you. You are glad Matt feels the same way.
“Will you teach me?” You ask after a hesitant moment. “I was pretty abysmal at defending myself.”
He raises his eyebrows at the question, “You want to learn how to defend yourself?”
You shake your head, then lick your lips before dropping your voice just a touch, “I want to protect the people I care about, too.”
Matt tugs you forward gently until your foreheads are touching. You close your eyes again and let yourself start to smile.
“I’ll teach you whatever you want to learn.”
(“I love you.”)
--
a/n: we're over 100k words :')
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already gone – gojo satoru.
(manga spoilers for chapter 261)
His eyes flicked to yours, a flicker of pain and understanding passing between you. In that moment, you both knew that there would be no going back to the way things were. The choices made here would haunt you, but you also knew that you would face the future together, bound by the shared weight of your decisions and the unspoken promise of support.
GENRE: shinjiku showdown arc (spoilers for chapter 261)
WARNING/S: domesticity, fluff, angst, trauma, implied death, violence, romance, hurt/comfort, character death depiction of death, depictions of loss and depression, depiction of blood, depiction of killing, depiction of suffering, depiction of anxiety, mention of death, mention of grief, profanity, family drama;
LISTEN: already gone by sleeping at last
NOTE: im mourning so hard, i haven't stopped crying. but i cried more because i can't imagine how my oc would feel considering genmei views satoru as her lifeline. im not even at that part of the story writing, but genmei would be hit hard. she wouldnt be able to move on. she wouldn't be able to stop crying either. but i needed to write this, to get the emotional brunt off my chest. i hope that this comforts you a little as it did with me. i love you all. hugs for everyone.
masterlist
u s and t h e m
THERE REALLY WAS NO GOING BACK FROM THIS. You and Satoru sat alone amidst the aftermath, the bodies of the higher-ups lying around you, a grim testament to the brutal reality you both faced.
The silence was heavy, a suffocating weight that pressed down on your chest as you stared at the carnage. The acrid scent of blood and death hung in the air, mingling with the faint metallic tang that coated your tongue. Each breath felt like an effort, the gravity of what had transpired settling over you like a dark cloud.
Satoru, usually so carefree and unbothered, looked uncharacteristically solemn. His usually bright, mischievous eyes were shadowed with emotions embroiling into a chaotic harmony.
He sat close to you, his hand resting on the ground beside yours, fingers almost brushing but not quite. The unspoken connection between you had always been palpable. Even when both of you were a bit younger. It was if anything, even when you both lost Suguru, a thin thread of solace in the midst of the horror.
You glanced at Satoru, seeking some form of reassurance, but his gaze was fixed on the bodies, his jaw clenched tight. The weight of the recent events bore down on you both, the decisions made, the lives taken, all swirling in a chaotic maelstrom of regret and necessity.
There was no other choice. Not when there was such little time, when there was no way you would leave this for the kids to wrap up. It was a moment where the true cost of your responsibilities became painfully clear, the price paid in blood and sacrifice. This is all that will secure the future.
Satoru finally broke the silence, his voice low and rough. "We did what we had to." he said, more to himself than to you, as if trying to convince himself of the necessity of their actions. “Don’t think too much.”
You nodded, though your heart ached with the truth of his words. "I know." you replied, your voice barely above a whisper. "But after all this time, I thought it would be easier.”
You did think it was easier. You knew what it was like to kill human beings. The act of taking a life was not foreign to you; it had been part of your existence as a jujutsu sorcerer for as long as you could remember. The initial shock and horror of it had dulled over time, replaced by a grim acceptance of necessity. Each death was a means to an end, a way to protect the innocent, to rid the world of curses, to maintain balance. Yet, today felt different.
The bodies of the higher-ups lay sprawled around you, their lifeless eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. These were not faceless enemies or malevolent curses; these were people you had known, some for years. Their ambitions, their fears, their humanity—it all lay exposed in the finality of their deaths. You and Satoru had made a choice, one born out of desperation and the need for a new order, but the cost of that choice now weighed heavily on your soul.
You have always been able to justify your actions in the past. Each kill had been a step toward a greater good, a necessary evil in the grand scheme of things. But this? This felt like a betrayal of the very essence of what you stood for. These were your peers, your allies, albeit flawed and corrupt. The distinction between right and wrong blurred, leaving you adrift in a sea of moral ambiguity.
Satoru's hand tightened around yours, a silent anchor in the storm of your thoughts. His presence was a reminder that you were not alone in this, that he too bore the weight of what you had done. You glanced at him, searching for some semblance of solace in his expression. His face was a mask of determination, but his eyes—those piercing blue eyes—betrayed a depth of sorrow that mirrored your own.
His eyes flicked to yours, a flicker of pain and understanding passing between you. In that moment, you both knew that there would be no going back to the way things were. The choices made here would haunt you, but you also knew that you would face the future together, bound by the shared weight of your decisions and the unspoken promise of support.
“Hm, it doesn’t.”
Silence engulfs you both.
Your eyes flared downward.
A sigh passes through your lips.
"It's not in you to have liked to do this." you finally said, breaking the silence. Your voice trembled with the weight of unspoken emotions, the sorrow churning in layers unknown. “To decide the upper floors had to go.”
Satoru sighed, his gaze fixed on the horizon, a faraway look in his eyes. "We had no choice," he replied, his voice devoid of its usual lightheartedness. "We have no more time to indulge in the future."
There was so much you wanted to say, so many arguments and pleas that burned on the tip of your tongue. But the words refused to come, trapped in the maelstrom of your conflicted heart. Satoru seemed to sense your turmoil, turning to face you, his piercing blue eyes searching yours.
"Just say it," he urged gently. "Tell me how you hate me for what Yuuta and I agreed to do, should I lose to Sukuna."
You met his gaze, the pain and love in your eyes reflected in his own. "I do hate you," you whispered, the confession tearing at your soul. "Because I love you too much."
Satoru's expression softened, and he stood, walking over to you. He pulled you into his arms, his embrace warm and comforting. "The loss of me will pass," he murmured against your hair, his breath warm on your skin. “Hm? You will always move forward. You have to.”
You clung to him, the thought of losing him more than you could bear. "You say it as it is. I had to. Not because I wanted to.”
He laughs a little, echoes of guilt layered among it.. “But you will this time too.”
This is what you think you hated the most about Satoru. How settled he was in his ways, how stubborn he was with his plan. It was a means to an end. As long as it brought down the system, he didn’t care about what happened. As long as his students lived, he didn’t care. And yet you wondered, what he would leave you with.
How much emptiness, how much grief he would let you settle for years and years — because he cared more about the world he wanted to build. In a way, you loved Satoru too much. You loved him so much you went against the world you had always known.
You had a dream of a normal life. Once when Kaiko and Namie were alive. Once with Shoko, Suguru and Satoru. When all you had left was Satoru, you were determined to live for him.
But you never gave up on that dream That you would have that white picket fence life. That you would raise a family. That you would grow old with him. But you should have known. You should have known that he was too far gone for you to reach.
Even with all the love that was between you, you should have known that love would not be enough to bring him back to life. Gojo Satoru had decided that love was a curse. And he lived by it. Geto Suguru had given it to him.
And he had accepted it. And since that day, you knew that he would have never let it go. Yet, what right do you have to judge him for it? You felt the same, when Kaiko died. And you never looked back.
“I loved you too much to let you just be a passerby in my life," you finally said, your voice breaking. "I've lost too much already, Satoru. But…. but to lose you would break me."
He held you tighter, his voice steady and resolute. "You have to be strong, for me and for everyone, y’know that." he said. "They'll need you when I'm gone."
His words cut deep, but you knew he was right. The world would keep turning. The sun would keep moving forward. The march of time, the echo of life would not change. It will go on and on. Even without him. People would need you to be there, to fight for them, to protect them. But the thought of a world without him was a dark, hollow void in your life, in your heart. In your soul. More tears flowed in your eyes.
Memories echoed in your head, as though they were just reels of your life in a picture show. You knew he could see it too, as though his six-eyes could see it as painfully as you could. As clearly as possible. Eleven years of life, motioned into small moments. Small moments that encompassed your whole world. Because he was your world. He was your whole world.
2011
You and Satoru spent a day at the beach, the sun high in the sky and the ocean waves crashing gently against the shore. He chased you along the sand, laughter bubbling up as you tried to escape his playful grasp. When he finally caught you, he lifted you up and spun you around, both of you dizzy with happiness.
You collapsed onto the sand together, breathless and smiling. "I wish we could stay here forever," you said, looking out at the endless horizon.
He squeezed your hand, his voice soft and sincere. "We can always come back. This place will always be here for us. We’ll bring Megumi and Tsumiki with us next time too.”
You smile back at him. “I’d like that, Satoru. More than you know.”
2013
One quiet night, you both lay on a blanket under a canopy of stars, the world around you silent and still. Satoru pointed out constellations, his voice a soothing murmur in the darkness.
"There's Orion," he said, tracing the outline with his finger. "And over there is Cassiopeia."
You nestled closer to him, feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest. "Do you think we'll always have moments like this?" you asked softly.
He wrapped an arm around you, his voice filled with certainty. "Always. No matter what happens, we'll always find our way back to each other."
2014
Your New Year's together that year was magical. You stood on a rooftop, watching fireworks light up the night sky. The colors exploded in brilliant patterns, reflecting in Satoru's eyes as he pulled you close.
"Happy New Year," he whispered, his lips brushing against yours in a tender kiss.
"Happy New Year," you replied, feeling a sense of hope and excitement for the future. "Let's make this year unforgettable."
He smiled, his arms wrapped securely around you. "Every year with you will be unforgettable."
“You guys make me sick.” Megumi whispered under his breath, taking a bite out of his cake.
“Megumi, don’t say that! They’re in love.” Tsumiki says, smiling at the sight of you and Satoru.
You both could only laugh.
2017
In the quiet of the night, you and Satoru sat together, your hearts heavy with grief for the loss of Suguru. The weight of his absence hung in the air like a tangible presence, a reminder of the sacrifices made in the name of duty and honor.
Satoru's normally bright eyes were dimmed with sorrow, his shoulders slumped with the weight of the burden he carried. You reached out, gently taking his hand in yours, offering what little comfort you could in the face of such profound loss.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice choked with emotion. "I had to do it. I had no choice."
You squeezed his hand, offering silent understanding and support. "I know," you replied softly. "It wasn't easy, but you did what had to be done. Suguru understood that."
Tears welled in Satoru's eyes as he leaned into your embrace, seeking solace in the warmth of your presence. In that moment of shared sorrow, you held each other close, finding strength in your love and the knowledge that you would always be there for one another, no matter what trials lay ahead.
Satoru pulled back slightly, his eyes meeting yours with a sorrowful intensity. "Remember all the things we wanted?" he began softly. "Now all our memories, they're haunted."
Tears welled in your eyes as his words resonate deeply within you. "We were always meant to say goodbye." you whispered, your voice trembling.
"Even with our fists held high, it never would have worked out right," he continued, his voice barely above a whisper. "We were never meant for do or die, darling."
A sob escaped your lips, and you shook your head. "I didn't want us to burn out, Satoru" you said, your voice breaking. "I didn't come here to hurt you now. I don't want to hurt you. But now I.... I can't stop."
Satoru gently cupped your face, his thumbs wiping away your tears. "I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road. Someone's gotta go."
His words cut through you like a knife, the finality of it all hitting you hard. "It doesn't have to be you."
He smiles shaking his head.
"And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better," he said, his voice full of love and regret. "But I want you to move on, so I'm already gone."
“How do I do it?” You sobbed to him. “Without you?”
“You can.” He presses a kiss against your nose. “And you will.”
“You were meant to grow old with me.” You croaked to him.
"But now you’ll do it for me. For the both of us, hm? Live a long life." Satoru shakes his head, his voice gentle but firm. "Keep Gakuganji in check. You know that old geezer can’t be trusted to keep the straight line.”
“Satoru….”
“Keep the jujutsu world at peace on my behalf.”
You shake your head against his chest.
You hit your arms against his figure.
Infinity was always down when it was you.
“Live long so that you have stories to tell me."
You buried your face in his chest, your tears soaking into his shirt. "I hate you!" you repeated, the words laced with anguish. “I really really hate you.”
He laughed sadly, a bittersweet sound that echoed in the empty space around you. "I know, darling." he said softly, pressing a kiss to your temple. "I know."
In that moment, you both understood the depth of your bond, the unspoken promises and the inevitable heartache that lay ahead. But for now, you held onto each other, finding solace in the shared pain and the love that had brought you together.
When you let him go that day, you knew.
You would have to wait until you were gray.
You looked at Shoko and you shook your head.
Your eyes were too red to even look one last time..
As far as you were concerned, he was already gone.
#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk x reader#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jjk x oc#jujutsu kaisen x oc#gojo satoru#satoru gojo#gojo satoru x oc#gojo satoru x reader#gojo satoru x you#jujutsu kaisen x you#gojo satoru x geto suguru#satoru gojo x you#satoru gojo x oc#satoru gojo x reader#satoru gojo x suguru geto#oc x oc#gojo x oc#gojo x you#gojo x reader#gojo x geto#satoru x reader#satoru x oc#satoru x you#satoru x suguru#kayu writes ! ! !#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#jujutsu kaisen spoilers
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why is ming such an interesting character - a thoughtful essay originally posted in the my stand-in mdl comments section
By MDL user Liltsu (reposting with permission from OP, just added some gifs to illustrate OP's points) - original comment link
Probably an incoming unpopular opinion ahead (read with caution lol, disclaimer that I am not attempting to justifying Ming's wrongdoings to Joe, more so trying to understand for myself and anyone else why I find his character so interesting):
Am I the only one who doesn’t hate Ming, and wouldn’t consider it to be a sad ending if Ming and Joe ended up together? At least as of now, especially from what I’ve seen currently and how I can imagine the direction the rest of the series might take. Let me expand.
For context, I went into this drama not expecting very much, and felt extremely sceptical of the trope of the ‘stand-in’ it uses, because one of my pet peeves in romance dramas is the ‘transfer’ phenomenon. If you haven’t heard that term before, it’s basically a psychological term about how a person (let’s call them A) will ‘imprint’ on someone else (person B). So to have a ‘transfer’ regarding someone else, for example, would mean that person A might have liked a person in the past (person C), and then meet someone new (person B) who resembles that person (C) in some way, and purely because of that, person A starts to also like or believe that they genuinely like person B. The problem with transfers is that they typically are rooted in a person’s (A) unwillingness to let go of the past person, and don’t truly love/hate (whatever emotion it is) the new person (B). This drama, reverses that trope.
This will link to why I find Ming’s bond with Joe to be more genuine than I’ve seen be believed on here (just based on a few comments tbf). My theory is that, ironically, it was Tong all along that was Joe’s metaphorical stand-in from the start. Why? We see a short flashback of Ming going to the cinemas and seeing the ad/clip of ‘Tong’s’ back, doing a martial arts scene, but we only see his back. That very shot/scene is what made Ming feel entranced by Tong and motivated him to seek Tong out with his sister for an autograph. He even mentions it himself to Tong. However, I believe that the ‘back’ that Ming saw, was Joe’s and not Tong’s. Ming « fell in love » with Joe’s acting/aura/presence on the screen first, but mistook him for Tong who is the ‘known’ actor of the film he saw. So all along, his feelings for Tong are somewhat illusory, and obsessive. Tong, who in my opinion gets off of happily at the notion of someone being infatuated with him, simply strings Ming along (and uses him), as we’ve seen.
In my opinion, Tong represents the side of Ming that was raised in a classist, materialistic family that rather obsesses about ‘spectacle’, in a way that harms Ming in the long-term. That kind of lifestyle or way of life makes him petty, distrustful, overtly and unreasonably jealous, and aggressive. Behaviours that manifest very evidently when Ming sees Joe with Sol, but particularly in correlation to scenes in which his affinity for Tong has been strengthened (Tong only sharpens the conditioning Ming has been raised through, that of being sceptical and always needing things to go his way, and fuels this, either by being in his direct company or feeding him seeds of doubt indirectly). Tong represents attachment and obsession but not love. Particularly the scene in which Ming renders Joe unconscious and keeps him captive is the most blatant example of Tong’s influence, which brings out all of the qualities of Ming that reflect the wealthy and entitled background he is born from and still lives off from.
Ming’s interest in Joe is different in my opinion, and the series carefully points to this in a nuanced way. If my theory is correct about Ming having been drawn to Joe first, rather than Tong, and the feelings that were initially meant for Joe came to be directed toward Tong (and became twisted due to that fact), we can assume that Ming’s feelings for Joe are more…instinctual. They awaken something in Ming. And to me this is perfectly shown in their first interactions: Ming hugs Joe from behind, believing he is Tong, but if my guess turns out to be true, he subconsciously went toward Joe and embraced him with the original feelings that he felt at the cinema (when he truly ‘first’ saw him), rather than the other way around, which the series makes us believe at first glance. Then, in their interactions after, Ming is consciously reluctant to open up to Joe (showcasing the walls he has up, even toward Tong), but is still intuitively interested in Joe, wants to be around him, and cares about what he is up to. In my opinion, he sets unfair and unequal conditions in their relationship at first because of the self-défense mechanism he has kept up (someone with his background would find it difficult to trust and be vulnerable with someone else easily). This is why the most crucial interactions between Joe and Ming, in my view, are the scenes at Joe’s home. We see that Joe had said that Ming had fulfilled HIS dream to come back to a lit home and with someone welcoming you back warmly. I believe this is something Ming has long craved as well for himself, and Joe expressing this, and being the way he is, makes Ming feel safe and allows him to become more open, more intimate, more honest, more ‘himself’.
I feel that Ming struggles to fully understand these sides of him, and has even more difficulty communicating it to others (especially Joe), but that his gentler moments show indeed the equal, and dare i say, even ‘healthy’ potential of this couple. We see this from the last scene of this episode. Instead of Ming indulging in luxuries for someone of his status, or succumbing to some kind of greed, he has pertained to what he has truly desired all along in his heart: a warm home, where he can lead an honest and loving life with the person who sees him past his social persona of the rich, pampered, entitled and obsessive kid. This is symbolised by the fact that he has continued to live in Joe’s home, waiting for him for the last two years, which reflects his commitment and earnestness which he had gradually developed for Joe, even before.
I think what people get (understandably) confused or feel betrayed by, is the scene in which Joe realises he has been a ‘stand-in’ for Tong by Ming, especially during sex (because this is somewhat what Ming consciously believes for himself too). For me, I saw it more so as, on one level, the revelation of what I just mentioned about Ming’s prior conscious intention (which evidently is form of betrayal to Joe), and on another level, it is a defining moment of transition, where Ming is still somewhat clinging on to Tong (because of the feelings he first felt for him at the cinema, which could really be Joe again), but also clinging still to what he knows and about his way of going about things (through manipulation and violence).
So a transition from that, into the growing feelings, appreciation, and warmth Ming did start to exhibit at Joe’s house (the symbol of vulnerable space). We see this through Ming buying the couple mugs with THEIR names (Ming and Joe), or the meaningful moments of genuine happiness that Ming feels in the simple, non judgemental moments between the two of them. This is something his sister comments about, that seeing Ming with Joe is surprisingly pleasant because it is the fist time in a very long time since she has seen Ming happy and so smiley (this is one of the biggest external piece of evidence to the idea that Ming’s « feelings » for Tong have a very different nature to his feelings for Joe). And we see this very clearly in the scene in which Joe bought a watch to Ming (and which I believe we see him promote now two years later on the poster he is). That scene is extremely significant because it shows the shift and differences of Ming alone with Joe compared to with Tong or how he is used to being. The watch is a gift from Joe, who believes it to be the « top » watch in terms of ‘quality’ and price, something we see Ming ALREADY HAS (and doesn’t have particular personal feelings toward). The top watch he has reflects his status, his wealthy background and the expectations on him by others and himself (to be considered societally the ‘best’, but in a rather vain way). However, Joe’s watch isn’t the top watch in a societal, classist sense, but it holds more value to Ming because it represents Joe’s sincerity and that matters more to him. The watch, which is typically a common symbol of time, also reflects, in my opinion, the difference in how Ming spends his time. By taking Joe’s watch and wearing it, his way of using time is also more personal and sincere, wanting to lead a life of authentic connection with someone on the same wavelength as you. In his act of taking of his old watch, which was the ‘top watch’, Ming leaves behind his old lifestyle, or at least takes on more step toward exiting it (the life of vanity and falsehoods). So all these signs of Ming’s genuine interest, endearment and feelings of care for Joe are sprinkled there from the beginning, and the series deliberately is setting a constraint between his potential for warmth and healthy sincerely with the baggage he still has from his past through Tong and his family (something he both feels and is to some extent very much controlled by).
The series has really made me invested, and that has really been invigorating for me (as I binged the episodes today) because I haven’t really felt that as much with a lot of BL series lately - not that there aren’t don’t get me wrong, just that it feels like fewer have my engagement than usual. And to me, the series’ strength at this point (excluding the very good acting etc) is the writing, so I am very hopeful that for the parts of Ming that would require a form of redemption, or improvement, that the series would allow him to have that arc by the time that Joe and him supposedly get back together (if they do). In the case where my interpretation is close to the series’ intention, then i believe that although it doesn’t make the previous scenes justified, that it would be very much possible for Joe and Ming’s relationship to take on a healthier, more mature turn, where their relationship would become more patient, communicative and understanding, just like the interactions they shared in their own shared home.
I’ll probably end my train of thought here, but would really like to hear if anyone disagrees or agrees with my opinions, would be happy to hear from anyone hihi. Thank you to those who read this whole e s s a y, i’m appreciative of that :).
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Hi, I was wondering if you could do Zoro, Ace, Sabo, Luffy, Crocodile, Mihawk, Buggy (Cross guild), Whitebeard, Izou, and Charlotte Katakuri x Reader where They are in a Disney/ Fairy tale Story? (I've been watching Disney lately, and it's living in my Brain-Free.) Also a bonus: They break out in a song number.~
Hi Hi! I think this was the most complicated request I've ever received and to be honest, all my drafts didn't get anywhere that was interesting to read. So, in order not to be left without an answer, but also not to deliver something terrible, I decided to change the format a little (and I really hope you don't hate me for it)
--
Even though her father (grandfather in this version) is against all this, our little mermaid wants to find the surface world (again, pirate world) and see all the wonders that await him. You'll make different friends along the way and, above all, collect incredible things like a certain hat along the way.
Luffy
Our Beauty and the Beast story is a little more troubled here. Instead of a beast cursed by the witch, we just have an evil-looking and somewhat threatening man who still hasn't found a reason to let anyone get close to him. When the right person arrives, he will definitely become someone lovable - even if it involves some fights, wars and everything that can prevent anyone from interfering in the lives of the two of you.
Crocodile, Katakuri
Living the best life, without growing up, without responsibilities, just him and his people living happily in Neverland and disturbing the life of the pirate who passes by. Despite trying to bring our beloved Peter Pan to the real world, you would ultimately understand that Neverland is the place made for him to be free.
Buggy
I know, I know it's not exactly a fairy tale. But, our beloved Puss in Boots would be just as stubborn, adventurous and showy as this one. His sword would be the sharpest and most agile of all the kingdoms, apart from all the flame that only he has.
Mihawk
Bonus point: in a universe where Cross Guid is made up of enemies and we are in fairy tales/animations, Crocodile would be the wolf in the second film.
This one would be Sleeping Beauty, I don't think we even need to explain why. However, this sleeping beauty here chose to sleep for days straight after being in battle and when you tried to wake him up in a kind way - aka, the kiss of love - he hated it, after all, he was in the best part of sleep.
Zoro (and I'd include Buggy here too, I can see him grumbling about it).
The world was just a small view of the tower his mother trapped him in and of course, his mother knows better. Until he found himself being saved by someone fearless, brave (a bit of a scoundrel) who took him from his cruel mother's clutches and took him to explore the world - and that includes the nearest bakery.
Charlotte Katakuri, Sabo (I mean, his parents were pretty shitty)
He would definitely be Mufasa and he would make us suffer terribly with his loss, but he would have been a great father. (and you can't tell me that Ace wouldn't be the son with the chaotic and adventurous spirit also known as Simba)
Whitebeard
Bonus:
He would have to put up with you singing Let It Go in any situation, but he probably wouldn't get angry about it. Except when you were in a more intimate moment and you said that the cold wouldn't bother you anyway (and of course, he would create little ice drawings for you in the winter)
Aokiji
We also have Snow White: dreamy, kind, fearless too. Instead of seven dwarves, he has loyal companions. Some are more serious and angry, but ready to help our Snow White here and other cute and funny eaters.
Shanks (and yes Benn Beckman is our angry one in this one)
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a/n: ok, I had more fun writing this than I thought I would
#fiction#reader insert#one piece#no use of y/n#shanks x reader#zoro roronoa x reader#luffy x reader#sabo x reader#katakuri x reader#whitebeard x reader#crocodile x reader#mihawk x reader#buggy x reader#aokiji x reader
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hi, im an 18 year old pre-transition trans guy and ive grown up in an incredibly repressive fundie household which has caused me to really struggle both socially and with my sexual development. ive been homeschooled nearly my whole life and am currently getting everything set up to enroll for college this fall, this will be my first time living away from my abusive household and im very nervous about it..
anyhow, im in a really really weird situation right now. because of my shelteredness ive always been extremely isolated irl, ive never had a consensual romantic or sexual experience irl and all of my friends are online friends. well, one of my online friends (a cis guy who i knew from an online forum) and i started fooling around a bit, flirting and then eventually very explicit conversations, trading nudes and sexual video calls. we were extremely emotionally close and the relationship was pseudo-romantic but we both agreed we didn't want to do online dating after both of us having a bad experience with it previously.
this whole situation allowed me to experiment sexually more than i ever have, and i really felt more sexually confident than i ever have.
when we met, he told me he was freshly 19. and for the whole relationship i was under that impression, he didn't give me any reason to doubt it. but two days ago he couldn't handle lying anymore and revealed that he was 15. needless to say that was an incredible shock and i dealt with it as responsibly as i think i can.
the reason i'm coming to you about this is because i feel really weird about the whole thing, i dont blame myself for believing him and im not mad at him because i understand what lead him to those choices, but now i feel really awkward about all of the good things i got out of the situation before the reveal.. this was my first time ever really doing "real" sexual stuff with someone (beyond just texting i mean, i had never exchanged nudes or done vidoe calls like that before) everything sexual i encounter now makes me feel awkward because of all of this, its really weird and uncomfortable and i don't know what to do :(
im not sure what im hoping to get out of telling you this but i can't really talk about this to anyone else i feel like, so i guess i just wanted to get it off my chest
(if anyone responds to this accusing me of taking advantage of him or not handling the situation correctly, firstly you have basically no context and secondly you don't know what i did to take care of the situation. let me and my close friends be the ones to judge how i handled it, this is an extremely complicated situation for me to be in and you being judgmental does nothing positive for it.)
hi anon,
oofah doofah, what a sucky situation.
I totally understand feeling grossed out by the reveal; those feelings are real and deserve recognition. it's not nice to be lied to, especially when the truth casts all of your previous experiences in a totally different light - and a much scarier one, since you could very well have been breaking the law by exchanging nudes with a 15 year old, depending on where you live! this person could have gotten you in huge trouble by lying, which makes this whole situation that much worse.
having said that, you don't need to feel good about having had a good time and having gotten some positive experiences out of this dynamic. you were enjoying a relationship that you had every reason to believe was above board and it did great things for your sexual confidence! that's not retroactively untrue just because you were being misled; all of the good things you felt are still real.
think of it this way: when a couple breaks up there's often a urge to feel that they've been wasting their time together, that all of the energy and devotion they brought to their relationship was ultimately a waste because they didn't die together in bed holding hands at the tender age of 107. but that isn't true! no relationship is a waste of time, and even when things don't work out, that doesn't mean the good things didn't count. every time those people made each other laugh, everything they encouraged each other to try, every new thing they experienced together, every time they had sex, every meal they shared - all of these are real and matter and helped shape them for the better, even if they ended up parting ways as romantic partners.
the same is true for you. take your time to sit with your hurt at this loss and betrayal of your trust, but don't throw the good out with the bad. this wasn't ultimately a good relationship for you, but that doesn't mean it brought nothing of value into your life, and you can carry what you learned about yourself forward with you as you seek more appropriate partners :)
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Flowers of a summer day
in which your significant other finally agreed to go outside with you for an impromptu picnic.
pairing: idia shroud x yuu/reader
contents: short oneshot, this is just angst with a happy ending tbh, idia might be ooc pls don't shoot me (^-^; ), reader is referred to as yuu, gender neutral reader and narrated with you/yours, reader has powers to manipulate plants (mainly flowers) to a certain extent
★ the daydreamer speaks — my entry for @cloudcountry's sweet shroud summer 2024!! this is literally an excuse to stimulate the brainworms hehe. also i was braiding my hair and my brain went "gasp. idea!! :D" and there you have it ^-^
do i tag? yes, i do. my main idia liker: @edith-is-a-cat, others: @identity-theft-101 @ferris-the-wheel @xen-blank @twistwonderlanddevotee @loser-jpg @lemonchuu
remember to reblog if you enjoy my work!!
"Is all of this really necessary?"
A chuckle.
"Well, yes, it is."
Summer was just around the corner.
The sun was shining brightly, accompanied by clouds bracketed to the clear blue sky. Flowers glimmered, blooming under the sunlight like jewels. The summer's breezes picked up their faint yet comforting scents, carrying them to distant lands. It was hot out in the flower field, indeed, but the forest surrounding it and a pond nearby helped cooled the air down. Birds took places hidden in the trees, singing a special harmony only they could do, tying every pieces of details together for a lovely summer day.
... It was also how Idia found himself sitting under a tree looking towards his beloved's flower field, having his hair braided and played with.
"You're killing me with the sun, Yuu-shi..."
You only chuckled at his incessant mutterings under his breath as your hands skilfully wove through his fiery long hair, braiding in flowers you grew with love and magic every now and then as you saw fit.
"But how can I refuse Ortho when he personally asked for my help?"
"That's—... Fair enough..."
He grew quiet as you continued on with your little mission.
If it was several years ago, someone told him that he'd have someone who loved and cared for him for his entirety, he'd malfunction and dismiss it as a cruel joke one would say to him. Until you came into his life, what with the ruckus in the opening ceremony.
He still didn't exactly get why you chose him. Him, of all people.
Every time he looked at you, you always shined, as bright as the sun, and as serene as the moon. Even in the drkest times, after every trouble you faced during your time on campus, you would still shined, as if nothing could diminish the light of your aura.
And he envied you for that.
Compared to you, he was no one special, a strange individual even, and not in a good way. Seven, he would agree if you outright said that to his face. He hope you didn't think of him so low like that, however, since it's not like you befriended him if you thought so, right?
... Right?
Oh, who was he kidding? Would you still be with him if you saw how weird he actually was? Would you get tired of him? Would you leave him one day? He would understand if you do leave him behind one day, but by Seven, would it hurt so much and he would never leave his room again if you—
—The sound of you humming tore through his suffocating thoughts, saving him from sinking even deeper down that rabbit hole.
'Right... No point in dweling into that anymore...' He thought, focusing on the soft hands threading through his hair.
You chose him. You stayed by his side, willingly. And even after everything he did, you forgave him. And you loved him for who he was.
"And... Done! There we go."
He looked so different in the mirror that you carried along, with his fiery hair cascading down his back, and the peonies and violets woven in the intricate braids. A lovely product of your creative mind.
Perhaps going outside once in a while wasn't as bad as he thought it was.
He felt himself smiling, his hair glowing a soft pink shade. It was a comforting thought, knowing he could live with moments like this. For eternity, if you would agree.
#sweet shroud summer 2024#irene's writings ♡#twst#twst yuu#twisted wonderland#idia shroud#twst idia#twisted wonderland idia#idia shroud x reader#twst idia x reader#idia x reader#idia shroud x yuu#idia x yuu#idia x mc#idia shroud fluff#im scared to post this lmao#I'M GONNA POST IT
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TWST related Ramble Incoming; Spoilers to Book 07 mentioned as well. You have been warned!!
I just noticed this morning that Malleus has traits connected to the previous OB gang. And how it kinda culminates together in Book 07. Let me explain:
Riddle and Malleus have strained Realtionships with their families. Granted in Riddle’s case it's his mother and Malleus his grandmother, but with some slight differences. Where Riddle’s whole life was dictated by his mother, the Senate(aka bitchie old farts that need some purifying salt) controls Malleus and his life. And when I mean that, I meant how they ripped him away from Lilia as a baby cause of their narrow minded view of the former General.
Leona and Malleus are both royalty. While Leona is a second born Prince who will never be king, Malleus has no choice but to be crowned Ruler of Briar Valley once his Grannie retires. Sure Leona may find him stuck up and annoying, but what he doesn't know is the fact that just like him, Malleus is also dealing with subjects who revere him or fear him cause of his powers.
Azul and Malleus both crave something. Azul craves power and money as a coping mechanism(at the beginning at least) as revenge for those that bullied and mocked him as a child. Malleus craves companionship. And yes he has his family (his Grandmother, Lilia, Silver and Sebek), they all keep him at arm's length for different reasons beit his status or heartache of getting too close. Thus building up the loneliness in his heart.
Jamil and Malleus are envious of other people. Jamil is jealous of the freedoms Kalim has as a naïve heir and able to dance about in the light, and yet he-Jamil-has to stick to the shadows. Never allowed to be free to do what he wants lest he bring dishonor to his parents. Malleus, as stated before, is jealous of others and the fun things they get to do. He's hardly been invited to events from EVERYONE at NRC. Heck, not a single Noble invited him to any social gatherings during his Winter break! The only time he got one was from Yuu/MC in Book 05.
Vil and Malleus both share some sort vanity with one another. Vil works hard to be the fairest, most beautiful person in the world. Malleus is part of the Top 5 Strongest Mages in TW, and there are times he takes pride in using his magic to fix things or get carried away with doing something that throws others off like in Vargas Training Camp Ver. 02, with him altering the Cave and making it mazy and confusing to his the other campers.
Idia and Malleus value their family bonds but theyre alos the cursed ones of the group. Idia and his family are doomed to forver be the Gatekeepers of the Underworld due to the nature of their connection with Overblots and such. Malleus is cursed not just by his family name, but his own late mother, Melenor Draconia, blessed him with being a star of hope for the people of Briar Valley and an omen of evil to humans. This in turn has isolated him from his peers all throughout his time in NRC til we befriend him. And like I stated in Azul's part his family does love him, but his status makes it harder for him to convey his true feelings of love them.
Malleus is a tragic character with neat parallels to those that broke before him. A person who yearns for things that his peers are too naïve to understand. Let alone give him a chance to engage with them in ways they could better know each other. Which makes his eventual defeat in Book 07 whenever that happens all the more painful ;-;
#dont mind me just having them sleep deprived epiphanies#and combined with never ending feels you get this#suffer with me please#twisted wonderland#malleus draconia#chibi celesti rambles#chibi-celesti rambles
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I'd like to believe - Lewis Hamilton
Alternative sequel to Maybe in another life / When I get to meet you
pairing: Lewis Hamilton x Reader!
warnings: mentions of mourning, angst, will make you emotional
wordcount: +1K
a/n: Alternative-ish ending (this was actually my first draft to continue their story, so the happy-ish one is the alternative, sort of).
As always, I'm open for feedback, come say hi!
MILD TRIGGERING CONTENT UNDER, PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
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My dearest little one,
Today marks ten years since you should have been here, celebrating another year of life. Ten times the snow has fallen, making everything quiet outside.
They say time heals all cuts, but some cuts go real deep, leaving scars that never quite go away. And I still find it hard to believe that a whole decade has passed.
You'd be so grown now, so full of life and curiosity, brimming with questions and dreams. I often wonder what you'd be like – would you have my stubbornness and determination, or your mother's grace and patience?
Maybe a beautiful blend of both, creating someone truly unique.
I’m going to visit your stone again later today. Leave this letter like every year. I suspect there’ll be fresh flowers, as always, probably from your mother.
She never forgets.
We never reconnected, not like I'd hoped for. But I think about her often.
I searched everywhere for her. I just really needed someone to share the pain with, someone to hold onto while everything fell apart. We tried talking, spilling out all our feelings, but the words wouldn't come out right. Maybe we were afraid of saying the wrong thing or making things worse.
Maybe we were both thinking the same thing – maybe if we'd done things differently, maybe you'd still be here.
After a while, the space between us just kept getting bigger, too big to cross. You see, your mom, she found a way to move on. She built a life for herself, a life where the pain was still there, but it didn't control her anymore.
I hope she's found peace and happiness, something she deserved more than anyone. She was an incredible woman, and I wish I had been the man she needed me to be.
I hope she reads these letters someday, that she understands how much I loved you both, how much I regret not being there when you needed me most.
Maybe one day, when the weight of these years starts to feel a little lighter, I can finally forgive myself.
Maybe then, I can find the strength to reach out to her, not to get back together, but to find some peace, a simple way to say thank you for the love we shared and sorry for the loss that tore us apart.
You know, life has changed quite a bit since I last wrote to you.
I'm with someone, have been for the past four years. She's patient, kind and knows about you. I don't think we'll ever have children though. She's got her own ghosts.
I retired from racing. Shortly after I won my eighth championship with Ferrari. It was a dream come true, but also bittersweet because I couldn't share it with you. I work as a consultant for the team now, just like Niki was for me at Mercedes. You’d have loved him.
It's a different kind of thrill, guiding the next generation of racers, helping them navigate the same challenges I once faced, but it drives me forward.
I’d like to believe you’d be proud of your old man for that.
I sometime wonder if you would have been drawn to racing too, or maybe you'd have found your passion in something entirely different. Whatever it might have been, I would have supported you every step of the way and with all my heart.
I think about the things you'd enjoy often; you know?! The hobbies and interests you'd develop.
Maybe you'd love music, like your mother. She had an incredible ear for it, always humming a tune or singing softly to herself. It’s what got us close in the first place so many years ago.
Perhaps you'd have a knack for building things, creating something out of nothing with your hands and imagination.
Either way, I hope you'd have found joy in the simple things, just like I try and do now.
There's so much I wish I could’ve shared with you. So many lessons I've learned the hard way and would to show you. Life isn't always easy, my little one. It's filled with ups and downs, triumphs and failures.
One of the most important things I wish I could’ve taught you is the value of love. Real love, the kind that fills your heart and soul, and is worth every bit of pain and sacrifice.
I had that with your mother, even if I didn't realize it at the time. She saw right through me, saw the man behind the driver, and loved me for who I was. I'd hope you'd find someone like that, someone who understands and loves you unconditionally.
It might hurt sometimes, but that's how you know it's real. Love isn't always easy, but it's the most beautiful thing.
I would want you to know that it's okay to make mistakes though. I made plenty, and each one taught me something valuable. The key is to learn from them, to grow and become a better person. But each moment, whether good or bad, shapes who you are.
I wish I could have been there to guide you through it all, to help you navigate the challenges and celebrate the victories. My motto has been “Still I Rise” for the longest time and if you wanted it could��ve been yours as well.
Life isn't about being perfect; it's about being true to yourself and striving to be the best version of you.
In the quieter moments I still dream about you, you know. In my dreams, you're a whirlwind of energy, your laughter filling the air. We go on adventures, explore the world together. I teach you what I know, and you teach me about everything else.
Those dreams are my sanctuary, a place where we can be together, even if just for a moment.
Sometimes, I catch myself talking to you out loud, as if you were right beside me. I tell you about my day, about the races, about the world. It might sound silly, but it brings me comfort. It's my way of keeping you close, of making sure you're never forgotten.
Even though we never got to meet, you are a part of me, and I carry you in my heart every day.
You are my greatest loss, but also my greatest gift. You've taught me more about love than anything else in this world.
Sometimes, under a sky full of stars, I imagine you up there with the constellations, looking down at me with curious eyes. And I need you to know that we love you still, deeply and unconditionally.
Ten years old. A whole person with your own personality, dreams, and wishes.
The world missed out on knowing you, and so did I.
But your memory, my precious child, it lives on. It lives on in the way I cherish every moment, every sunrise, every laugh shared with a friend. It lives on in the way I try to be a better person, kinder, someone who would have been a good dad to you.
This letter is my vow written down. A promise that even though you're not here, you'll never be forgotten.
Happy birthday, my sweet child. I hope, wherever you are, you're smiling, knowing that you are loved and cherished.
You are my light, my angel and a part of me. And though the path I walk may be lonely sometimes, I carry you and your mom with me in my heart, always.
With all the love that would have filled a lifetime.
Dad.
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TAGLIST - @saturnssunflower @xoscar03 @chocolatediplomatdreamerzonk @happy-golden-hour @vicurious28
@0710khj @thecubanator2 @neilakk @bigratbitchsworld @adriswrld
@fearfam69691 @cmleitora @goldenroutledge
If you’d like to be added to my taglist you can leave a comment or send me a dm/ask.
#lewis hamilton x reader#lewis hamilton x you#lewis hamilton imagine#f1 x reader#f1 imagine#lewis hamilton#formula 1#f1 fanfic#f1 fic
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If your still doing facts, maybe Lucario facts please?
(Sorry couldn’t find if you did this one or not.)
I did, but I deleted it a while ago.
Lucario Facts
(Art by sesamin_333 on Danbooru)
-The scientific name for Lucario is "Canis Aurus" which roughly translates to "Aura Dog"
-Lucario are both highly diverged canines and vulpines, and are most closely related to Houndoom. This is shown with both of them having sharp teeth, long snouts, and similar eye shapes
-Despite being known for their more "wild" nature, Lucario and humans have lived side-by-side for thousands of years, going all the way back to ancient hyroglyphs on walls. One region even worshipped a man with a Lucario head as a God, so Lucario were considered sacred because of that
-In the wild, Lucario live with other Riolu/Lucario in groups; the one with the strongest Aura leading the pack
-Lucario in the wild don't make a lot of noise, as they can communicate with their pack using auras. Lucario in captivity are a lot more vocal as it's easier to communicate with humans that way
-Lucario are known to be very clingy pokemon to their trainers, following them around and going out of their way to protect them. But, many Lucario also don't like being petted a lot because in their social groups, the leader Lucario is the one that the others groom. This isn't because they dislike you; it's just a sign of respect (they will accept the occasional pet though). Riolu are a lot more clingy, licking and cuddling up to other Lucario or their trainers
-Lucario are most commonly found in mountains. However, there are different breeds of Lucario that can be found in other climates. For example, Lucario that live in the plains or Savanna have longer limbs and are taller
-In ancient Hisui, Lucario were seen as mysterious yet powerful beats who were able to read minds. This confused a lot of people into believing they were psychic types
-Little is known about Lucario's aura sensing abilities, but researchers believe that aura is something like sounds waves or light waves to them. They prefer people with strong auras, be that angry or happy
-Trained Lucario are known to be good therapy mon because they can sense the auras of others well and can understand what they're feeling better
-Lucario bred with Watchog and Furret are very popular breeds for tracking, as Furret and Watchog are naturally watchful pokemon, so the Lucario with those fathers are extra perceptive
-Most of the Lucario we see today are domesticated, but there are wild breed Lucario. These Lucario are bipedal, but they prefer to run and hunt on all fours
-In the wild, Lucario most often live in dens or caves
-Lucario are very loyal pokemon that mate for life. While male Lucario are more open to mating pokemon outside of their species, female Lucario are more picky; preferring to mate with other Lucario, which can make crossbreeding Lucario a bit difficult
-Lucario are most commonly found in rocky mountains; with their thick torso and leg fur helping them deal with the cold. Their slanted eyes also block out the sun's rays due to a lack of clouds or coverage
-Lucario have been known to adopt orphaned Riolu. Sometimes, they'll even adopt other young canine or vulpine pokemon
-Lucario are opportunistic omnivores, and wild Lucario have been known to steal crops from human settlements. In Paldea and Kitakami (where they're more common because of the many mountains), their main prey is Lechonk, Fletchling, Fletchinder, Pawmi, Pawmo, Yungoos, Skwovet, Greedent, Psyduck, and Rufflet
#//listen ik that Jackals are wild predators and all that#//but I NEED yall to go om youtube. look up Saveafox Anubis the Jackal. and watch the videos#//that is literally the cutest and most friendly and affectionate jackal ive ever seen#//saying this cuz Lucario was based on a jackal#lucario#quill awnsers#quill pokefacts#rotomblr#pokemon irl#pokeblogging#pokeblog#irl pokemon#pokemon#pokeblr#rotumblr#pkmn irl#pokemon roleplay#irl pkmn#pokemon biology#pokemon biologist
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okay i have to say i hate emily. shes a bitch and i hate what she did to jamie and gray but i cant deny her character is so fascinating. shes literally like if greed was a person?
dont get me wrong as much as i hate her i understand the whole risk taking thing and wanting those experiences she never got to have BUT saying that she didnt need two boyfriends??? she literally could have experienced all the same things she did with one. thats why shes greed. she just took and took everything. from both of them and rebecca too.
but i just dont understand why she had such an effect on everyone? like avery describes her as pretty but she also said she was nowhere near as beautiful as rebecca. is it because she was sick and everyone felt bad? but like even then i cant imagine emily being a pleasant person to be around so i dont get how she made friends with anyone let alone dated two people 😭 but that could also be because we never met her? like we don't really know anything about her which is also really interesting to me. we know of her but that's only everyone's versions of her.
on a different note i keep thinking about the way jamie and gray had different feelings for her. like i just think that while jamie did love her but he didnt love her, you know? gray did. i assume thats why jamie wasnt as affected by eve, he didnt love emily the same way gray did.
jamie feels that way for avery so while eves appearance surely shocked him it still didnt take over and bring up old feelings (for a completely new person lmao)
(i also do know that he knew about eve before but theres still something different between hearing things and seeing them)
jamie and avery are perfect for each other but thats a different thought too. i'm so glad they never really fought because of eve (thank god, i would have cried)
but back on topic, i doubt emily loved them back. like, i feel like its the sort of situation where she just wanted to feel wanted. she probably mistook that for love and assumed she wanted both of them? but its all she ever had growing up too? familiarity? like its suggested that her parents were completely focused on her their whole lives and loved her (she was their miracle baby sort of though so i do kinda get that) but also like i wholeheartedly believe everything starts with the parents.
they were such a big influence in her life, they gave her everything, sacrificed everyone and everything for her and kept her happy. this comes back to the greed thing too. they gave her this idea that everything would bend to her will and she would always get what she wanted. (if you can't tell i have strong feelings about the influence parents have and how they raise their children cus it literally dictates someones whole life until they have clarity smh)
i think the whole jumping off the cliff thing too was like her acting out. she reminds me of gray in that way, she was losing control and she needed to do something she wanted to regain it. she knew she couldnt handle it but she couldnt handle not getting what she wanted more. idk if that makes sense but shes like trying to prove to herself and everyone else that she was fine with jamie breaking things off, that she could handle not being wanted and adored regardless of her actions and she was losing control of everything ig? idk i just think its really interesting the way she took things to an extreme because i imagine she was probably trying to do something else, something worse than what she feeling to get it to go away? emotions are so interesting in that way.
like rebecca (in her mind) was turning against her, jamie was leaving her and her parents would have stopped her from going with gray if they had known and at the time that was (hinted at) being what she really wanted to do and they were all telling her no. she took the only thing she had left to control (gray) and was trying to prove she was fine.
i cant put into words how many layers all of these characters have like jlb wrote such a wonderful series and i cant stop thinking about all the characters. i have so many thoughts running through my head and i could write a take on everyone ☹️
#lottie's thoughts#idk if anyone will read this#i needed to get it out of my system lol#the inheritance games#emily laughlin#grayson hawthorne#jameson hawthorne
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HOW IS THE SKY FEELING TODAY ?
~a small gojo drabble
warning: none, a bit angsty
~1.1k
It was yet another rainy day. And as much as you loved the rain, it has ben 13days now of constant rain and it was getting too much.
You didn’t understand, and no one was understanding why such weather was going over your head for about two weeks now. Even the meteorologist’s predictions didn’t concorde. For them, it was sunny, but the sky was just crying over and over again.
And your heart was clenching.
Deep inside, you knew something was wrong. All this was the cause of a person or someone in an agonizing pain. It has to, it was the only explanation. And so, you decided it was your mission to solve it. And mostly to help this sad heart.
That’s how your journey began. You weren’t the only one on the case, humans and sorcerers were searching for the cause of it all. Rummaging all places across the country, exercising every curse hiding. Places have never been clearer. But the sky was still crying. Over and over again.
26 days have past and on the 27th it was different. Outside, it wasn’t rain you were seeing anymore, but snow. Little white pearls were falling from the sky this morning.
“The sky is cold today”, you thought out loud.
“The sky does not have feelings Y/n. Why do you keep thinking that every day?” That voice of her startled you and put you out of your thoughts.
“I don’t know Shoko, I just feel it, it’s like a string is attached from my heart to the sky and I can feel everything.”
“Then find a solution, talk to it and keep the rain away, I’m tired of it.” She retorted.
“It’s snowing today tho” you opened the window and put your arm outn feeling the snowflakes land in your hand and immediately disappear. “It’s pretty” And you were happy that since the grounds were so wet, snow couldn’t stay just becoming another raindrop into a puddle.
Pure white snow just made you sick to your stomach now.
“Last time it snowed in Tokyo maybe the sky was cold but at least our hearts were warm” It was very unlike Shoko to be sentimental like th- “If it doesn’t stop, we gonna drown and I deserve a more honourable death than that.” She sighed “Shitty weather, shitty life. We just need to get the fuck out of here and let the sorcerer life behind us. We have enough money to live a century with all the compensations that we got” There she was, it’s like I almost missed her.
“I’ll be going out. See if I can find something today.”
She hummed “Get me cigs on your way ack pretty”.
“M’kay, love you.”
“Yea yea, love ya. Now let me read in peace and stop with your weird string shit.”
Boy it was freezing outside. Even with your puffy jacket and his old scarf you were cold. The faint smell of him that still linger on it kept your heart a little bit warm but the strong smell of wood in his perfume was slowing leaving place to the one of humidity as you entered an abandoned building. The silence was often cut by the sound of a waterdrop and it was very dark inside.
Little noises were echoing inside this cold and empty place “Curses must have stay hidden inside.” You thought but as you try to feel cursed energy around you, you felt.. nothing. “Weird.”
Closing your eyes, concentrating, searching every little corner for curse energy you still found nothing. You frowned and started feeling every detail of this building without paying any mind to your surroundings that you missed the little creature coming towards you and slowly touching your ankle.
“AAAAAAHHH! Spiders I hate freaking spiders!” you screamed as you took a step back waving your hands in the air and closing your eyes. “Ah. What a weak sorcerer you must be if you fear a little innocent spider like this” his words resonated in your head as you remembered one of your first encounters.
But as you opened your eyes, you weren’t expecting to see..
“Meow”
A cat?!
What was that kitten doing in a place like this. “hi you” you said as you bended over, slowly approaching your hand to its face so it could sniff you and let you touch it. “What are you doing alone here?”
“Meow”
He was little, probably 3 months old, yet so fluffy already or so it seems. Its white fur was now grey and brown covered in dust and mud, looked starved, wet and cold, and has its eyes closed.
“Poor baby look at you” “Meow”
It was answering every time as you talked to it more with a baby voice.
And when you finally look at it again, after taking it in your arms and petting his head you saw it.
Bright blue eyes.
So blue.
So bright.
Piercing right through your eyes.
But totally making your heart clench. Mesmerized by this little furball, bawling your eyes out in the middle of an empty building.
It meowed again, and again, looking at you before posing its paw on your jaw. The action made you stifle a laugh.
“I’m fine kitty, don’t worry” “Meow”,
It was almost as you could feel worry in its voice.
“Let’s get your home hm” you said smiling.
“Almost though you died back there. Did you get my cigs? I don’ have any left.” Shoko tells you as you entered her office.
“Nope. But I got this, look!” you exclaimed happily showing her the kitty sleeping peacefully in your arms.
“A cat, seriously Y/n…” she facepalmed “Aren’t you allergic or something and that’s why you didn’t let G-“
“I don’t care Sho,” you pout “it was lonely and cold, I couldn't just let it to die like this. And beside that’s why you exist hm? You can heal m- sneeze”
“That’s not how it works.”
“Pleeeease”
“Fine, I will try to make something for you when I have the time.”
You spent your evening making him take a bath, doing all you can to warm him up, feeding him and you both passed out cuddling on your bed.
You woke up by the sun hitting your face. Outside, was a a big blue sky and a sun shining as its brightness.
“As blue as your eyes hm” you said to your kitten who was peacefully sleeping between your boobies. You laughed at the sight.
“You really are just like him yea” he purred as you start to pet his head.
From now on, the sky was only happy and warm.
I was feeling a bit gloomy about gojo today and thought of this, 🤧
hope you will like it <3
@chandeliermichel saw it first, thank you love
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gotta put my thoughts down before i forget it but the thing that did it in for me is how spy x family is ultimately and uniquely a “children-focused” work, where the major stakes require that we pay attention to the lives and dynamics of young children so that — specifically — we have to genuinely engage with and invested in their inner lives, motivations, desires, thoughts, emotions, etc.
i think this is a very unique focus in the shounen sphere, where the audience and creators are centered about adolescent boys (the shounen genre, in its name) and thus have a very wide scope of focus that nonetheless has “aged” past “childhood”. usually media about children and childhood are sequestered in its own genre (children’s shows like doraemon, magical girl anime like precure series, etc.) aimed at a different target audience who are in the same demographic as the main characters in the shows. this is, obviously, not a bad thing. but i appreciate the “genre-breaking” focus that spy x family have because it inspires a sort of empathy to children, who are often not the most favorite group of people for the typical demographic of shounen readers, that is specifically vital in today’s climate. (can’t say much about japan itself, who historically has been dealing with declining birth rates, but oh i can speak for the american individualism— ironically where sxf is also very popular in) another thing about this is it’s drive home how intertwined the family life is, and should be. agent twilight and thorn princess’s plot-lines are clearly shounen-esque (a spy fighting for world peace, an assassin weeding out traitors) but they are nonetheless inextricable from the family- and anya-focused story, because by choice or circumstances they are anya’s parents. they’re a part of a larger societal fabric that embedded them in relationships to others — children being one of them. i think that’s pretty neat.
another thing, specially about the depiction of children in sxf: they are fictitious yet realistic enough to portray real children and inspire sympathy for them. a lot of asian home media in general have the problems of portraying young children as “problems”: annoying, loud, privileged, dumb, ungrateful, etc etc. these are such complaints about children that are unfortunately way too common and way too ungenerous and mean-spirited; none of these tropes are present, even in a media full of scions and heiress. complaints about them being brats (red circus bus hijacking arc) was rightfully framed as unsympathetic and unreasonable (they’re children! they can’t help where they were born into— it goes both ways.) i think the crux of this beautiful balance sxf struck in portraying nuanced, dynamics children is sympathy. they can be loud, they can be whiny, cry at the drop of a hat, has too much energy, gross, have bad grades, clingy, inconsistent, academically unmotivated, ran off randomly— and that’s fine, because we know why they do it, we are given space into their inner thoughts, something so rarely afforded to real life children at times. but they can be motivated, they want world peace, they want to have genuine friends, they want their friends to be happy, they have crushes, and most of all they love their parents and they love the people around them.
i think regardless of everything sxf is a work that understands that children are full of love and the majority of the things they do are out of love. i think that alone makes it incredible in the current socio-econo-political climate where sympathy is spared so little and humanity spreads so thin children barely gets what they deserve. i suppose that’s the sort of war we are entrenched in.
#spy x family#spy x family meta#i guess?#it’s late and i have been rereading spy x family obsessively to cope and i just#have a lot of feelings about it#anya forger#damian desmond#becky blackbell#damian’s friends too but i don’t know their full names. sorry kids.#all of these children are so precious and i would die and kill for them and would live to build world peace for them. if you catch my drift
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Every time I think this drama can't get better, can't both make me laugh and break my heart more, it proves me wrong.
Because at the end of all the insanity in court, the Emperor orders censor Lai flogged. The way Fan Xian starts fighting the tide to beg for the man.
And all he gets for the begging is this:
The thing is - the thing that I think the Emperor is fundamentally incapable of understanding - is that the lesson he intends is not the lesson Fan Xian will ever absorb. This is a punishment for meddling too much in too many pies and a warning and perhaps even a desire to make sure Fan Xian is more cold-blooded. BUT! Fan Xian will never take the lesson the Emperor wants - ie Emperor cannot ever be fought, his will is what's right, etc etc. In the novel, ultimately the royal Fan Xian takes on last IS the emperor and I have no idea if they will keep this (censors, plus novel Fan Xian and drama Fan Xian are quite different) but the thing, there is nothing that can break Fan Xian out of doing what he thinks is right. Not watching what happens to Censor Lai, not being punished, nothing. He can be killed of course but short of that he cannot be stopped.
Also, I know I keep saying this, but Zhang Ruoyun is AMAZING! The way his face changes through the scene, the rage and the acceptance and the burning sense of injustice and somehow under it all disappointment because he will never be ceased to be shocked by the cruelty of this world and bitter amusement at his own shock.
The way he runs like a mad person...
Ooof. OOOOF. And the thing that is amazing, Fan Xian and Censor Lai weren't friends, Censor Lai even denounced Fan Xian and fam BUT! Fan Xian can respect someone with integrity and guts and he genuinely liked the old terror (he's different from the Emperor that way - he got criticized and he was more wryly amused than anything, there is no self-importance for him.)
We almost never see him display temper but the way he shoves this umbrella...
Through the whole scene he has the demeanor of a man in a nightmare.
His face!!!! There is no bottom in this hell world.
Except. Of course...
This drama's world view is as if Hu Ge's The Myth and Strugatskii's Hard to Be a God had a baby.
The way he holds the umbrella over the corpse!
This is literally the best drama I've seen in YEARS! (Since perhaps Joy of Life 1, in fact.)
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My personal thoughts on the major themes of Penacony 2.2
I was gonna make an entire Penacony retrospective and try to really dig into the whole story, but 1. I'm not that smart and 2. It has hours of footage and I don't think I'm strong enough to parse through that and form my own conclusions
so, just the things that really jumped at me and made me pause to think. I may do surface level research to make sure if a character really said this or that, but other than that, these are my thoughts fresh after finishing the quest.
Ok, to start off: Sunday and the road to hell
He's... god, he's such a complicated and interesting little man.
He is what I would call the embodiment of the saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". On the surface, he is trying to make a universe which is authoritarian-like. If you peel it back a bit more, he intends to make the universe a better place. But at the heart of it, I think he's just someone who is scared of pain.
There are 3 sequences I want to break down:
The Robin-Sunday exchanges before they meet Gopher Wood
This exchange has a lot of Sunday misdirecting Robin's points, but she calls out most of it.
Robin starts off with observing the dreamscape and concludes that dreamchasers shouldn't use penacony as a means of escaping entirely from reality. Because they won't overcome their demons. She asks if this can really count as "living"
Sunday at first seems to agree that things are not the way it should be. But there's a bit of misdirection on his part. He responded to robin's question by connecting "people using penacony as an escape" with (his opinion on) the way people currently "live" (which is what he was agreeing to in "things are not the way it should be"). He will then frame the narrative to show that people completely escaping through dreams is a good thing, and then will swerve to say how the "strong" should determine the future of the "weak".
Robin understandably does not agree with Sunday's narrative, because she believes that by staying in the dream (or MAKING dreamchasers stay in the dream), it will lock dreamchasers in stasis forever, making them unable to choose how to go about their future and overcome their difficulties. She then criticizes that no one has the right to determine whether a human deserves to live for a future or not.
There's a clear difference in ideology here. Sunday's devotion to Order is so strong because the experiences in his life had led him to believe that forcing his will on other people is the way to go. His ideology is rigid, cold, impersonal and is applied to all uniformly.
Robin firmly believes in choice and refuses to let an authority govern the way people should live. She wishes to unite people through her singing, and to inspire people to live. Her ideology is more personal, uniquely applied, and is idealistic and romantic.
2. The quiz sequence
An interesting thing about this sequence is the first two questions have quite reasonable answers. At the start of it, at least.
The first question is about nurturing and letting go. I think why most of the girls agreed to put the bird in a cage is because to do something great, you must first be equipped to survive. Maslow's bottom hierarchy, if you will. i think Sunday realizes this too, and puts it into some of his points to justify making decisions on behalf of other people.
"We must teach the weak how to live a happy life"
Though, the problem is that he twists this point so much and wants to force this on everyone. This is seen when he puts everyone on Penacony in Ena's dream. This disregard for other people's input kinda reflects how he sees the bird, in a way. The bird is something below Sunday, it cannot object his actions because it is merely just a weak, injured little thing.
It is here that he experienced pain of futility. The pain of putting in effort into something but have it crash and burn in the end no matter what. Afraid of that pain, he wonders if birds are meant for the sky if some fall before they can reach it. He has a very black and white mindset about this.
Either all birds fly and deserve the sky, or if even one bird falls then no birds deserve the sky.
The second question is about a person who is being pursued by the bloodhounds. Sunday is in a position of power, and has the influence to pardon the man. As a result, the man got away, forgot about his children, and hurt the people working under him in penacony.
Though, it's worth to mention that I think it's also partly the fault of the Oak family, who didn't try to discourage dreamchasers trying to find answers or solve their personal problems in Penacony. But I believe that's intentional.
Anyways, the crux of the question, if Sunday had known the outcome of his decision from the start and he had the foresight to think that Penacony isn't a place to search for answers, I actually think upholding the law would be the best course of action here.
I think this is where he developped his fear of... consequence. Because humanity has free will, they may use his pardon from the law to do awful things. This might be why he values upholding the law so much.
Another thing to note, I think Sunday hasn't gone off too far into the deep end at this point of his life. In a previous sequence with the same scenario, he actually questions what devotion to the Order would be like, and his doubts on its way of life.
"Who can judge the strong when their power hides their crimes?"
"Who can vouch for the weak when they will pay any price to survive?"
"Who can comfort the purest souls when even they get led astray?"
It's important to note that Sunday is in a position of power and emphasizes knowing the outcome of the first two questions.
The third question is the only question where he and the other party were of near equal standing. It's where he still hasn't made a decision, and which the outcome has not yet been decided.
Sunday cares about Robin's input and feelings. He cares so much he doesn't have it in him to force her to stay for the Order.
I think this is the crack in his belief of the Order. Because he cannot stop her from trying to fly. Because he cannot apply his law indiscriminately. Because it's Robin. His sister.
He has not made a choice, and Robin has not met her end yet like he's feared.
But he's so afraid of the pain of losing her. He's so afraid it haunts him in his nightmares.
After presenting the quiz, he essentially asks the main question of penacony: "Why does life slumber?"
He answers, "Because we are afraid to awaken from our dreams."
Interestingly, this is identical to Firefly's conclusion in 2.0. The difference is, Sunday thinks his answer is universal and will force his solution on everyone, while Firefly's is just her own personal answer.
Firefly asks what the price for Sunday's paradise is, and that made me stand up and point at the screen in agreement. Because what Sunday's aiming for is an authoritarian universe.
When an authority reigns supreme that it forces its will onto unwilling citizens, all in the name of the ideal society. That's a dystopia.
As Sunday said before, who will keep the authority in check? Who can ensure that the authority will not abuse their power?
That's what's so dangerous about an authoritarian government. You can't take the risk when it comes to this. You can't just give the power to one person, no matter how righteous or nice they seem. Because like the saying goes, give them an inch and they will take a mile. You cannot afford to cross the line, because when you do, who knows how far they'll take it.
Sunday clearly sees Firefly as someone weak, kind of akin to the bird in his childhood who needs his "saving". But Firefly does not appreciate someone deciding on her behalf whether she's weak or needs saving.
3. Ode to Order
I think it's important to note Sunday really frames Ode to Order in this angelic and holy way. Hell, the music even reflects this with a more bright and heavenly choir.
"Requiem aeternam" is a prayer for souls to reach heaven, eternal rest.
(A bit of a tangent, but when I saw this in the game I SHIVERED so hard. This is such creative story telling aughh- Like, using previously established game mechanics and twisting them to become something horrifying is SO COOL. What a delightfully terrifying way to illustrate what Sunday aims to achieve.)
This illustrates Sunday's paradise as a place where everyone is forcefully "tuned" to become a certain way forever. To be manipulated with Ena's strings without their consent like puppets into a picture perfect scene.
Though, I was confused why Sunday framed this ideal society as people abandoning the need for an authority, when it was something he was pushing so hard in previous sequences.
But my interpretation is that he will spread this message, of everyone being of equal standing, but leave himself as the true leader that will stay awake to ensure everyone else is blissfully asleep.
This really ties everything together for me. Sunday is someone so self righteous but self sacrificial that he's willing to put himself high in the sky, and be aware that he will be completely alone up there.
He is afraid of pain, and will do everything to avoid experiencing it ever again.
After experiencing pain, we shouldn't be scared of it. Sure, we can escape a bit to get some reprieve, but we must tend to our wounds so that we may not only survive, but live.
That brings me to the second major theme of Penacony : Nihility, and the feeling of futility
I will be breaking down Acheron's character first.
Self annihilators/Nihility emanators are so interesting, they are beings that slowly are losing themselves thanks to their own powers of Nihility. A predetermined end.
Living for so long + Nihility actively chipping away at her being is sure to make her memories blend in together. This is why Acheron values emotions so much, because it is one of the only anchors she can use to avoid succumbing to Nihility.
Her flashbacks with Tiernan are beautifully melancholic. Their exchange starts with Acheron pondering if the task Tiernan is doing is pointless, and if he should even bother? And if the end is expected, then should they change it? It's a bit muddy, but I interpret that here, Acheron is still searching for the meaning of Nihility, and Tiernan is the person who guides the souls to the other side of the river at that time.
In the next scene, Acheron states she's holding on to whatever she can to avoid succumbing to Nihility. She had journeyed with a Nameless girl once, who wanted to explore IX. But as expected, the girl ceased to be, but left with a smile. Acheron is scared of forgetting her memories with that girl.
The only other anchor she knows is of her promise to bring more warmth to other people, to a more hopeful future where she will cut off Nihility. She associates that promise and hope with the color of red.
The next scene mirrors the first scene. I interpret it as Acheron having found the meaning of Nihility, sorta embracing it, and is now guiding others to advance towards and depart the Nihility, with Tiernan having forgotten himself.
When Tiernan asks if what Acheron does is pointless, she gave the same answer Tiernan gave her, because some things have to be done. And she's come this far without needing a point, so why should she search for one?
"May death be the end of your boundless dream... guiding you back to the waking world."
I still cannot decipher the meaning of this statement completely. As far as I know, it's said 2 times. The first is after Firefly "died", and the second is in the above exchange with Tiernan.
In Firefly's case, perhaps the "death" refers to waking up from Ena's dream at the beginning, "boundless dream" is Ena's dream, and "the waking world" is Dreamflux Reef/reality.
In Tiernan's case, I can assume the "boundless dream" is his eternal unrest, as he's still lingering in the dead sea, not yet ready to enter the abyss of Nihility. The "death" may be referring to him entering the abyss, while the "waking world" is existence, as he finds his way out of Nihility.
To bring this all together, I think Acheron in this case represents and goes against Nihility. She presents Nihility as something inevitable and predetermined (death), something that awaits everyone, and something that everyone will have to embrace at some point of their lifespan (boundless dream).
But she also believes that one shouldn't wholeheartedly embrace Nihility. in the face of Nihility, we must do everything to take in the world around us and remember what makes us exist. She believes there is a way out of Nihility, and that is existence. (waking world)
In the face of futility, if everything really did have a predetermined end, I believe we should still try to make choices. Despite it being "pointless", I think that's what gives meaning to our existence. Otherwise, we risk succumbing to Nihility.
That's why when the trailblazer finally uttered their own choices, I felt shivers. One, because this shows the development of TB's character, and two because TB will do what they have to, they will never be content living in a dream, and they choose to continue in the face of "futility", despite the ending of their journey being predetermined.
In the face of futility, Sunday chooses to eliminate pain and choice out of the equation, only choosing to create a universe that's stuck in a mindless, blissful stasis. Because he is anticipating pain.
But sometimes, the anticipation is worse than the actual pain itself. He is also eliminating the element of choice, with the assumption that people will not be able to survive when they are facing futility.
But, Acheron's words really struck me.
In the face of futility, pain, and pressure humans may freeze in fear. But that innate survival instinct in humans might push them to fight and claw themselves out to save themselves. By removing the choice to fight for their lives, they won't have the choice to fight off Nihility.
To end this, I would like to go back to main question of Penacony
"Why does life slumber?"
And I think TB answers this beautifully.
"Because we will wake from our dreams."
Life slumbers to find reprieve from the harsh reality. But slumbering does not give us the solution to our problems, only recharging us to prepare for the waking world once more. And in the waking world, even if what we do is futile, we still have a choice in how we want to reach for the end.
#Fruit talks#Holy shit this is probably tangent-y and disorganized as hell but here's my insane ramblings for the month#Idk if this made sense but these are the things that made me feel strongly in 2.2#I may have missed some points but feel free to shout at me in the comments or reblogs
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i think the reaction to characters being unfair to jon is a good example of how fandom often lacks nuance and has a lot of black and white thinking. while it absolutely is ridiculous and unfair to say characters are evil and terrible people for being mean to jon, it’s just as absurd to say how they treated him was justified and there was nothing wrong with it. i think people have split into two extremes on this issue, which misses the point that the entire podcast is about how people react and interact and change when dealing with fear and extreme situations like this, not about who’s right and who’s wrong. jon was consistently treated with less empathy than the other characters treated each other, and held to a different standard. the other archives staff are much more willing to give each other the benefit of the doubt, and while they’ll criticize each other at the end of the day there is much more tolerance for each other’s issues than there is for jon’s. that is undeniable. they see each other as humans who make mistakes, and jon as a rabid monster who cannot be trusted. from their perspective, jon is someone standoffish and unfriendly who always pushes too far and asks too much and has growing powers that directly come from the entities responsible for their torment. he is both their superior in terms of his job, and he is essentially the favored child of their jailer. basically like elias, but significantly more present and vulnerable and less of a distant untouchable threat. he has enough power over them (or at least association with those who have power over them) to make them resent him, but not enough to stop the torment or prevent them from lashing out. when you and everyone else you know are humans who are trapped together and suffering, and your boss is locked away feeding on fear and turning into a dangerous monster like the ones who keep hurting you, you’re probably not going to be feeling particularly empathetic towards him. you’re not going to stop and think about how he’s a victim in all this too, because you’re not in a stable enough space to do that and you don’t know his perspective on any of this. that makes sense. it doesn’t excuse the way they treat him like a violent animal, but it does explain why they would have that us versus them mentality. also, all the info on the other archive staff’s emotional state from season 3 and onward, the stuff that explains why they acted the way they did, all of that is from occasional lines and overheard interactions. small pieces. jon is the main character, and we hear the details of his experiences and struggles and trauma and breakdowns and suffering. he is the protagonist and his is the perspective the listener lives in. therefore, he is going to be much easier to be sympathetic towards. if melanie was the protagonist, or even another avatar like annabelle or mike crew, people would be much more understanding of them, because it is easier to be sympathetic when you know every reason why a character acts the way they do. if we listened to melanie for hundreds of hours, her lashing out and getting violent towards characters that didn’t deserve it would be much more understandable. we hear what jon is going through, so we know his life is hell and he is a genuinely good person faced with impossible choices and absolutely terrible situations out of his control. the other characters do not have that perspective and understanding. i just think it’s possible to acknowledge that some characters did treat jon terribly, he didn’t deserve it, and it doesn’t make them irredeemable monsters.
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Taught to make her happy, and found mine
"Paul, I Jamie told me you where having trouble adjusting to married life" my mother in law Helen said. Jamie had offered her mother my help with helping her get ready for a large sale. Jamie had insisted on driving me to her mothes house and would pick me up after work. Rather then letting me drive myself.
"She did?" I said surprised "It's nothing just getting used to living together" I told her down playing the turmoil our house had become in such a short period of time. We had been married for several months and had not had sexual relations since the honeymoon. Not to mention the fights that erupted from the simplest of things. Towel paper roll on the wrong way, a sock that fell on the floor when I missed the basket, a bowl I left in the sink.
"I can help you" Helen states. I peeked up and looked at her.
"Jamie just expects things a very specific way. Probably my fault" Helen smiled.
"Any insight would be amazing" I told her. Helen suddenly came up behind me and cupped my ass with both hands. I dropped the box I had just lifted.
"Helen, I. You are very beautiful" I babbled my hands shaking. I turned she was still very close to me.
"Thank you" Helen said her hand unbuckled my belt.
"Helen, I can't. Jamie. I love your daughter" I continued to babbling. My body reacted to her in a different way. As my cock throbbed in my pants.
"I raised Jonathan. To be a perfect husband. I started when he was a disobedient teenager. Kathy and him are so happy" Helen told me as she pushed my pants down. My dick flopped out pointing at her.
Had she slept with her own son? I thought. When Helen sat in a chair nearby she pulled me to her lap. Even more confused she smacked my ass.
"You need to learn your place, to learn Jamie's place over you" Helen smacked my ass again. I was not sure what was going on. The third smack was much harder. She had used something. I jumped but Helen held me in place her leg intertwined with mine. Three quick smacks.
"You have to learn to embrace submitting to Jamie. No more arguing with her. No more slacking, expecting her to clean uo after you" Helen told me. Another three smacks my ass and back of my thighs stung. Tears formed in my eyes.
"Helen please" I begged.
"You are still excited, you like this?" Helen teased her hand actually cupped my balls from behind. I quivered.
"You do, that will please Jamie. You should ask her to spank you" Helen told me another three smacks.
"Do you want relief" Helen asked stroking my cock again pulling it back wards behind me. I just moaned.
"Kneel on the floor and play with yourself" Helen told me letting me role off her lap. "Look up here" Helen said she hiked up her dress and spread her legs so I was looking straight at her white panties.
"You like looking at my panties?" Helen asked. I just nodded.
"Look closer" I leaned in. "Closer" Helen said as she guided my head within an inch of her panties.
"Smell me" Helen said as I stroked my self to her. I came spilling my seed on the floor.
"Jamie, will want to know all about how you got excited being spanked, how you came smelling my panties" Helen told me. Helen made me pull up my pants and clean up my mess. Then insisted I get back to work.
She was much stricter, no longer asking me to move things, but ordering. Then I wasn't fast enough, doing it correctly. I just would look down and apologize and tried to please her. I accidentally knocked over a pile of clothes. Helen grabbed me by the ear. She again bent me over this time over a table. She didn't remove my pants though instead she grabbed a belt from a pile and smacked me a dozen times.
"Jamie will take control over you, she can lead you" Helen told me as I rubbed my ass as I stood. Helen then had me sit down on the couch. She pulled me close. I rested my head on her lap.
"I feel that the only way to make Jamie happy is for you to understand that you are hers now." Helen told me. Gentle stroking my hair.
"I don't know, I mean I don't want her to spank me" I said softly.
"But you do, you didn't resist at all and you love Jamie." Helen told me. "I can help you" she stood. And pulled off her panties. I was even more shocked. She pushed the damp cotton into my hand.
"To remember today" Helen told me. We went back to work. But now I couldn't stop thinking about Helen this summer dress and no panties underneath. Several times I snuck a wiff of my mother in laws panties. I worked all day was covered in dust and sweat by the time Jamie returned. She went straight inside to talk with her mother before she came out to see me.
"Paulie time to go" Jamie told me. She went right to the driver's side and drove us home. "You let mom spank you?" Jamie asked confused as she drove.
"Not sure let her is the right term" I responded.
"She used to spank Jonathan and I when we where kids. I hated that" Jamie told me. She fell silent as she thought about it.
After we got home and I showered Jamie came up to me.
"Why did mom spank you?" She asked.
"I .... we ... she bought up how we where fighting alot. And how I needed to adapt. How you could help me." I stumbled over my own words. Jamie didn't say a word. Just walked past me into the bathroom. A few minutes later she returned and kissed me.
"Mom may of been right" she smiled. I had been careful to put my clothes in the hamper and put down the bath mat so not to get the floor all wet. I had also wiped down the glass shower doors.
"I been bangimg my head for months and mom spanks you one time and it all sinks in" she kissed me and rubbed my crotch. But I stayed soft.
"What? It's been a while" Jamie asked.
"I um well" I couldn't tell her.
"What? Tell me" Jamie was now mad.
"Your mom, well she. It has been a long time" I rambled
"You slept with my mom! " She yelled
"No, no, Helen had me smell her panties and I touched myself" I mumbled. I pulled her mom's panties out of my pocket.
"You did what?" Jamie asked again. I sat her down and told her everything. Hoping she would understand. She got up and called her mother. At first they seemed to be fighting. When Jamie Came back though she held a pale blue thong.
"Do I smell better then my mother?" She asked pushing them against my nose. They where damper and much more pugnant then her mothers.
"Yes, baby" I moaned inhaling her. Jamie let her skirt fall and she was naked from the waist down. She guided me to bed. Where I licked and sucked her lips and clit until she moaned and then screamed for me to stop. I was rock hard now. And wanted Jamie.
"Mom said you need disapline" Jamie told me. That is why we are having so many arguments. She told me ignoring my advances.
"Stop a moment so we can talk" she scolded as I tried to kiss her again. I sat back.
"I don't know about spanking you. But maybe a time out" Jamie suggested, I was even more confused.
"If you can't follow the rules you go without. Like now I am not happy about what happened with my mother. Prehaps you need to wait." She rubbed my erection to emphasize her point. I moaned.
"Or if you want to go out with the guys, shall we say you better have followed all the rules that week" Jamie suggested. I found this all very erotic and wanted her even more.
"Mom needs help again tomorrow" Jamie stated. I just nodded. Jamie was surprised at my agreement to all this.
"Mom said one more thing" she grabbed the small bag Jamie had bought home.
"Mom thought you might benefit from" Jamie smiled as she pulled a pair of panties from the bag. I just looked at her not understanding.
"She called it panty disapline, when Jonathan was a teenager and was running wild. She made him wear panties as punishment." Jamie giggled. I couldn't imagine my brother in law wearing panties.
"I don't know" I said scared at the idea someone would notice
"Well I guess we could try spankings instead" Jamie suggested. I was still unconvinced.
"Okay, tomorrow as punishment for that gross act you did with my mother you will wear panties all day. And if all goes well we throw them away" Jamie told me. It seemed fair so I agreed. I washed the dishes after dinner. Made sure everything was tidy before going to bed. I guess I could change and help more. Take more care in what I did around the house. I thought I laid next to Jamie so wanting to make love but she just cuddled and told me to wait.
The next morning Jamie had me wear the panties her mother had sent home with me. They where a soft satin material. Yellow with a blue bow on the lacy waistband. They where full size and held everything easily. Jamie said nothing as I slid them on. I thought Jamie was going to be with me all day. But as soon as we arrived. Jamie found reasons to leave. I was alone with Helen again.
Helen walked right up behind me and pulled my pants back to check to see it I wore the panties.
"Such a good boi" she told me. I basically emptied her attic, and hall closet. As I carried a box into the garage I tripped.
"Fuck!" I swore. Helen came running. I had spilled the contents of the box. Breaking some old decorations.
"Paul are you okay?" Helen asked first.
"Yeah, the stupid fucking step" I said. She smacked me across the face.
"There is no need for that language" she scolded me.
"What the hell, Helen" I shot back. She grabbed me by the ear and dragged me inside.
"Take those shorts down young man, you need a new lesson in how to speak to a woman" she ordered. I was shaking as I did just that. My shorts dropped and I stood before her in my yellow panties. She sat in a dining room chair and motioned for me to lay across her lap. Ashamed I did as she said. Just as I did Jamie walked in. Helen had wrapped her leg around mine to keep me still. I tried to get up when Jamie came in.
The first blow struck, it was something hard followed byanother. I forgot about Jamie and tried to fpget away. Three four five smacks
"You cant swear around woman, it isnt very polite" Helen told me. " And you broke my things" Helen added.
Helen delivered 20 blows before she let me go. I rolled onto the floor. I looked up to see Helen legs spread her skirt had rode up,
"Get up" Jamie said pulling my hair. I stood and Jamie looked at me and laughed.
"Is that from moms panties you where peeking at or the spanking" Jamie looked down at my throbbing erection. Helen had a solution.
"Here put this on and stand in the corner" Helen said handing me a flower printed skirt. I tried to argue.
"No mom is right" Jamie told me. I did as she said and pulled the skirt on. And went to the corner. Jamie came over after a few minutes and lifted the skirt and pulled down the back of the panties to inspect my red ass.
"I think maybe I didn't understand everything last night" Jamie said and left me standing there. I listened as Helen and Jamie talked about me.
"He craves to be disaplined" Helen told Jamie.
"I just wanted a normal marriage" Jamie said
"No you didn't, that's why his behavior bothered you" Helen pointed out. "Look how happy Lisa is with Jonathan" Helen said. I didn't understand Jonathan was a great guy. I don't think his little petite wife could spank him.
"Paulie make us some tea" Helen ordered. I hesitated then went to make tea.
"There is a cake on the counter as well" Helen suggested. I bought over the cake and three plates.
"What's this? Did I ask you to join us?" Helen asked. I lowered my head and removed the third plate. Then bought them tea. Helen got up to use the bathroom. As I put down the sugar and cream Jamie's hand slid under my skirt. I was still rock hard. She stroked me through the panties ever so gently.
"If I told you to go out to the garage and continue dressed like this you would wouldn't you" Jamie teased. I swallowed hard and mumbled yes.
"Go put your shorts back on we are going home" Jamie told me. She made me get changed right in front of her and Helen who had returned. Jamie drove us home in complete silence. I was to ashamed to speak. As soon as we where in the house Jamie clothes came off as she basically sprinted towards the bedroom. Dragging me along. She laid on the bed naked and pushed my head in between her thighs.
"Yes" she moaned she was so wet. She came very quickly but made me keep going till I made her cum a second time.
"Strip, no wait go pick out a dress from my closet and put it on" she told me" I got up reluctantly.
"Jamie" I whined.
"Do it now!" She grabbed my belt as a warning. I went to her closet. I stripped down to just the panties and found a green dress I always liked on her. It was kinda a sun dress. Light and flowing yet long enough that it came to my knees. Jamie yelled at me several times to hurry up. I finally emerged.
"OH perfect" she told me. "Now since you been so bad lately you will wear it all day. While you clean up around here. And you better not stain that dress" she told me. Jamie found a ton of chores for me to do. All while she sat and read a book. Or talked on the phone.
She even had me make her lunch. That night before bed she had me shower and allowed me to but back on "boy undies"
Jamie sat me down and explained the new rules. Rules to a happy marriage
"Mom is right, I need to be in charge. Not an equal partner. So I sent you info on a Female Led Marriage. Basically you get to express your opinions if I ask. But I will decide everything. But on top of that you lack disapline. And seem to like being humiliated. So I think we can add things like today to the list of punishments. Along with being grounded. A curfew, an allowance." Jamie told me. I just sat quietly.
"First thing is truth, absolute truth. No secrets. I am having an issue with how easy you allowed yourself to be spanked and pantied." Jamie told me. "Have you ever worn girlie things before?" I shook my head no. But couldn't look at her. Jamie grabbed my chin gently and made me look in her eyes.
"Paul have you ever done girlie things, gay things?" She asked a slight smile appeared on her face.
"yes" I whispered. Jamie just held my chin. I knew she wanted more.
"In high school there was a bully. Craig he lived down the street and one day. In his garage" I told her.
Jamie's eyes softened and pulled me close.
"What did he do to you?" She asked comforting me.
"He had me suck his dick" I told her I had never told another soul
"He forced you?" She asked.
"Kinda, but no" I told her. She just held me. "He used to pick on me call me a faggot. And one day he just pulled his shorts down and shoved his dick in my face. It was a joke I think. But I opened my mouth ti tell him off and he pushed his cock in. I froze and he just held me there for a moment.
"Go ahead Faggot" he said. And I sucked his cock.
"Did you enjoy it?" Jamie asked softly.
"I didn't think so at first, but after I wasn't mad about it either" I told her.
"And what happened between you and Craig?" Jamie asked.
"Well" I fell silent. Jamie pushed back and looked in my eyes again.
"It wasn't just once was it?" She smiled.
"No, everyday for the whole summer" I blushed.
"You sucked his cock everyday?" Jamie giggled. I nodded.
"Sometimes twice even three times" I told her. I was rock hard asi told her.
"How? Where?" Jamie said excited "oh my God did you swallow?"
"Whenever he wanted, in the woods. Garage, his house, my house, he would just pull me somewhere and pull it out. I didn't swallow at first but then later." I confessed.
"Did he ever?" Jamie's hand grabbed my ass. I just shook my head no. Jamie continued with questions he never returned the favor, it must be more then a hundred times. He was maybe 6 to 61/2 inches. Jamie continued with other sexual partners I had. I had told her I had been with 8 woman when we met. It was actually 2. For over an hour Jamie got my true full sexul history including my masterbation habits.
"There is so many secrets and lies. Take off you underwear and put on the other pair of panties mom gave you" she ordered. "It may be weeks before I let you wear boi undies again" I grabbed the bag and pulled out a pair of ridiculous pink panties with the whole ass was ruffles.
"Put them on" Jamie ordered when I hesitated. She then had me bend over the foot of the bed. Pulled the panties down and wrapped some kind of elastic band around my balls and cock. She then gave me 12 smacks with my belt. I was in tears bent over unable to stand when she finished. She released my cock and I came all over myself. She then sat on my face and had me bring her to yet another orgasm.
Jamie continued to explore a Wife Led Marriage as she called it. I took a much more submissive role. Way beyond the sexual aspects. Punishments became common but thennso did praise. But even the praise came from a level of superior from her.
"You did a very good job detailing my car" or "The house had never been cleaner" I took the praise with pride even knowing it was somehow belittling. But punishment could also be writing an apology letter to a friend for a off color comment. That Jamie found inappropriate. Our relationship changes where impossible to hide from our friends and family. And soon led to questions and comments.
I would just say I was never happier, and had excepted my proper place. Jamie on the other hand would explain how I loved a firm hand. How she spanked me, pantied me, and I did all the chores around the house. And treated her like a queen.
Our sex life was amazing as well. She taught me how her pleasure came first. Sometimes even dening me. We had sex in positions she enjoyed. She taught me stamina. I was able to resist my release until she told me to. She never ever considered sucking my cock again. But I gave her oral almost daily. If she wanted a massage.i would take classes to learn how to give her one properly. When she wanted to eat better I took classes on healthy cooking.
One day she commented how the heels she had worn hurt her feet. I made the comment maybe she should where shorter shoes. Trying to be helpful. I spent the next week learning to walk, dance, even fuck in high heels. She added a remote control vibrating butt plug after the first few days. I learned just to kneel and rub her feet if she wore heels on any particular day.
I also knew about the affairs, well most of them. Over the years. I never mentioned them. Just excepted it. Until our 15 year wedding anniversary. I had planned a big party. When Jamie arrived almost 2 hours later. I was frustrated. After the party as we where getting ready for bed. I bought it up. Trying at first to just express my disappointment.
"Paulie, I already apologized " Jamie said as a warning. That's when I lost it.
"I worked so hard to make it all perfect and what you had to go get laid first" I shot at her in frustration. Jamie calmly sat down and listened to me.
"Anything else you like to get off your chest?" She asked.
"Yes, my allowance. I asked about a raise several weeks ago" I added. Then stooped. I loomed back at Jamie. I had been yelling I had not even realized it.
"Jamie, I am sorry I just" I rushed to her and dropped to my knees." I am just always afraid you will leave me for one of them" I wimpered. She played with my hair.
"I fuck men, real men. Men who will dominate me, use me. Because I know it's not in your nature. I guess I never realized you knew. But Paulie I will never leave you. I love you" she assured me.
"But this disrespect and trying to make me feel guilty into give you a raise in your allowance" she said. "This I cannot let go"
"I should not of kept this part of our marriage a secret though." She said and just git up and went to bed. For days I wondered what she would impose as punishment. Till one night she came home a little late but not alone.
"This is Malcolm" Jamie told me. I large black man in a very expensive suit shook my hand. "He has been traveling all day. I bet he would love one of your foot massages. Or maybe a whole massage" Jamie suggested. Malcolm started to undress as o stood there.
"Don't just stand there help him with his shoes" Jamie said. I dropped to my knees but as I looked up he was shirtless. His abs looked like a washboard. And he dropped his pants.
"Start with that big muscle there" Jamie told me. I looked at her terrified.
"You wanted no more secrets, wanted a way to raise your allowance" Jamie told me. I reached up and stroked his cock.
"Paulie used to be an excellent cocksucker but he has never shown me what he can do with a real cock" Jamie told Malcolm as she pushed my head towards his rapidly hardening cock.
"Get him good and hard so he can fuck me again" Jamie told me. When I did I stood and watched as he bent Jamie over the couch and fucked her hard and fast finishing all over her ass.
"Lick me clean" Jamie told me and I did as Malcolm laughed got dressed and left.
"You where right I will include you from now on. And $25 bonus for every cock you get off" Jamie told me. But then had me wear a plug and panties for the next two weeks. Wherever I went. Along with a very long spanking.
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