#sex edventures 2024
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I was given oral herpes by someone who didn't feel the need to disclose that they got cold sores before we had a one-time little dalliance.
I might've gone for it anyways. I'm self destructive. But I guess the lack of being able to choose whether to take the risk, it's left me feeling pretty bitter about the experience.
And I'm left feeling like a biohazard. I haven't really been able to explain to my friends yet why I'm suddenly extremely cagey about sharing my drinks and food. And all my favorite sexual activities are off the table forever. I know, dental dams, condoms, but half the fun of oral sex and making out is, you know, the taste, the heat, the absolute control. I was good at it.
It feels especially embarrassing since I'm ace and the whole reason I hooked up with the person was kind of... I don't know, fear that if I didn't, then we wouldn't be able to hang out anymore.
I'm not sure what I'm asking. Maybe, was it wrong for them not to disclose something like that? Considering how common it is? I feel obligated to disclose myself but maybe I'm just weird for that.
Thanks for doing what you do here.
Kind regards,
Asexual for Ethical Reasons Now I Guess
hi anon,
I don't often apologize for needing time to get to anons, because I really need people to have reasonable expectations about the amount of time I'm willing to commit to my inbox, but I am sorry for not getting to this one sooner. it's a topic that's very important to me, and I can tell you're dealing with a lot of hurt.
first off: I'm very sorry someone wasn't totally honest with you. that's never a good feeling, and especially in the context of sex it's a huge betrayal of trust. it's deeply unfair to you, and I hope you're able to recover from that.
having said that: you are not a biohazard. you're a person with an incredibly common virus. the World Health Organization estimates that somewhere around 80% of people worldwide have herpes (and that's a rough estimate, since they use different age ranges for HSV-1 and HSV-2). skip to the factual part of this tiktok at 00:10 seconds. herpes has been with us since before we were human; there's nothing disgusting or even unusual about having herpes.
herpes is different from most STIs in that it is lifelong, but that doesn't make you an unfuckable pariah. it makes you someone who may sometimes have open sores, and should give partners a heads up about your virus to avoid putting anyone in the same situation you're in. while you're at it, let them know that most people with herpes live asymptomatic and uncomplicated lives. many people never even know they have it!
I understand that spending the rest of your life with a viral buddy doesn't sound super fun right now, but I promise that as viruses go you can do WAY worse.
personally I've always felt the best way to get comfortable with something is to learn more about it. why not let clinical sexologist Dr. Doe talk to you about her own herpes, and how to be conscientious about minimizing the risk of sharing herpes with others?
youtube
youtube
or listen to writer Ella Dawson talk about learning to cope with the exact stigma you're currently struggling with?
or listen to Dr. Sydnee Smirl McElroy explain why herpes bears such a heavy stigma for such a mild virus in the first place?
you're not a biohazard, and neither is anyone else with an STI. that's a terrible way to think about yourself and others.
you're under no obligation to stop being sexually active if you don't want to be.
please don't feel that you have to have sex with anyone out of a sense of obligation anymore, but also please don't feel that herpes is a punishment. sickness isn't something that happens to people because they're bad or deserve, sickness happens to people because people get sick.
take care 💜
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hello sex witch!! spitballing off of that clitoris ask: can you give any insight into why someone might be unable to feel pleasure from penetration? i know there's heavy debate about it anyway but I've always felt either numb or slightly uncomfortable and it's making me wonder if there are nerve endings there that I simply Don't Have and if that is the case, if I should see someone about that
hi anon,
I think this was in response to this ask, and the answer is the same as it was there: the vagina, like most internal organs, is simply not really set up to be a source of stimulation. design-wise pleasure seems best suited to come from the clitoris, with it's thousands and thousands of nerve endings, while the vagina is a little busy handling other stuff.
if you think about it purely from a standpoint of evolutionary biology and remember that our terribly monkey bodies want us to reproduce more than anything, you really don't want too much sensitivity in a place where rigorous, repeated thrusting (generally) has to happen in order for reproduction to occur. seems like it would make the whole process a bit painful! small tears in the vaginal lining are extremely common even after pretty mild penetrative sex; trust me when I say you don't want to acutely feel every one of those happening.
which isn't to say that no one derives pleasure from being vaginally penetrated, of course, but people can derive sexual pleasure from almost anything. clit, pussy, ass, armpit, foot, elbow, belly, you name it and someone has gotten off about it! it doesn't mean that everyone can, or that anything is wrong with you if you don't.
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hi, I hope this isn't too heavy for an anon ask, but I truly don't know where else to ask this
when i saw your thread about child sex ed, I just wondered... did i accidentally assault my brother???
so for some context I was raped/CSA'd sometime before the age of 11 and it's fucked up my perception of what's considered appropriate. when we were little, my brother who is very close in age to me and I used to have a game of "going to the doctor" where we would go in the bathroom and just look at each other's bodies (in a nonsexual way, normal behavior for curious kids). the part that gets me is that I remember trying to get him to stick his fingers in my holes -- to his credit he always refused and I never physically forced him to do anything, but in retrospect the thought just makes me ill
and before you ask, yes, our sex ed as children was very spotty and pretty much ended at how babies are made
hi anon,
this is a heavy one, and I'm sorry you've been feeling gross about this.
for what it's worth, I don't think anything you're describing is inappropriate or particularly unusual. as you said, it's very normal for young children to examine each other's bodies. this is a very developmentally normal curiosity to have, especially between children who have noticed that their body parts look different. that can include exploring bodily cavities, and there's nothing inherently harmful or abusive about that. some years ago Lena Dunham got BLASTED as a child abuser for talking about looking at her baby sibling's vulva in her memoir, and that made me incredibly mad. Lena Dunham wasn't molesting her sibling; she was a curious child and people using completely ordinary childhood activities to call her a pedophile just because she's annoying fucking sucks.
listen. caveat: not all instances of children taking an interest in each other's bodies is harmless. molestation can very much occur between siblings, and cause lasting trauma. okay? that's a real thing. your fears are not baseless.
but it sounds like you and your brother were both engaging in consensual play and you didn't force the issue when he didn't want to digitally penetrate you. unless you feel like dredging the issue up with your brother, or he wants to bring it up and/or is exhibiting any signs of lasting sexual trauma, I think you are probably safe to assume that you didn't do any lasting harm.
it's understandable to have the ick about it now as an adult, with greater context. and it's very normal to be cautious and worried that you may have hurt your brother unintentionally. but please try not to be too hard on yourself about this. you were a kid doing things kids do. your intentions were not malicious, and being a kid unknowingly doing something that *might* hurt someone is not the same as being an abuser.
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Hey! I really appreciated what you said about minors in “nsfw” ( not the right term but idk how else to word it) spaces. Seeing people constantly throw a curtain over my eyes to try and protect my ‘innocence’ (I guess?) is super frustrating, and makes the guilt and shame I already feel around exploring/expressing my body/sexuality just that much worse. So I truly appreciate you going against that notion!!
Anyway, do you have any advice for someone who’s just started figuring this stuff out? For me, I think a constant thought running through my head is ‘an I doing this right’ specifically in regards to like, romantic/sexual feelings. Are the feelings I’m feeling actually romantic/sexual ones or do I just want to be a person who has romantic/sexual feelings? That kind of stuff
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and thanks so much again for talking about this kinda stuff!! Your blog has been an amazing resource for me
hey anon,
come in, sit down. grab a glass of water. take a deep breath.
I have great news: it is literally impossible to do any of this wrong. it's all feelings; you can't do feelings wrong! nobody gets to decide what's true about you but you, so whatever you decide on is automatically the right answer. and here's the sickest part: there can be a different right answer every month if you want. every week. hell, you can be one thing in the morning and another in the afternoon. new sexual orientation every hour, if you want. and they'll all be right. this applies to everyone, by the way, you're not special.
I mean, you are. but you're not the only person in control of your own fate this way.
I think maybe instead of stressing about the hypothetical macrolevel questions of Who You Are and What Your Deal Is and all that, maybe it's more helpful to look on the microlevel.
is that person attractive to you? in what way? do you want to spend time with them? how? as part of a group or one on one? what activities do you imagine doing with them? is this someone who you want to be emotionally close to? how do you feel if you imagine yourself in the context of a romantic relationship? what does a romantic relationship mean to you, anyway? what might you want out of that, if you want it at all? how do you feel about the idea of having sex with this person? if it's scared and stressed, don't do that! is it excitement, or at least curiosity? okay, maybe we'll check that out! or maybe not. up to you! do you want romance sound nice but not sex, or sex but not romance? awesome, that's also fine.
oh, what's that? another person? okay. now run through all of these questions again.
hang on, what now? your answers to the questions about the first person have changed based on spending more time with them and getting to know them more? incredible! information gained!
sex and romance can mean whatever you want, man (gender neutral). sometimes you just have to follow the vibes.
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How do I talk to a fourth grader about sex Ed? Are there books or an online resource for parents you recommend?
hi there, thank you for asking!
the book that I use to teach OWL classes is Robie Harris' It's Perfectly Normal; I strongly recommend getting ahold of the revised & updated edition from 2021, which is more inclusive and queer-friendly, but even the older edition is a pretty good starting place.
it can be a great way to start the conversation if the fourth grader in question hasn't approached you with their own questions about sex and bodies, which can be daunting for a lot of kids, especially if that hasn't historically been the vibe when you interact! they may not know a lot at that point, but most kids have definitely absorbed that sex is something that they're not supposed to talk about.
if they're feeling up to having a chat beyond the basics (anatomy, reproduction 101, changes that come with puberty, squiggly crush feelings, consent and no means no, etc), that's awesome! I find most kids in the 4th-6th grade range already have a lot more information about sex than most people expect; they just have it jumbled up and out of order and lack the tools to make sense of it. ie, I've had students who know about periods but are under the impression that they come out of the butt, understand that a baby grows inside of a person but have no clue how it gets out, and make jokes about someone getting ejaculated on because they know it's Inappropriate and therefore funny but don't actually have any idea what ejaculation actually is or why it happens.
so, you know. much to work on there!
honestly I think the #1 most important thing for any adult trying to be a good ally and educator to young people is to kill the urge to cringe literally ever at all about anything, because the second you make a kid feel weird for asking a question is the second they start hesitating to confide in you with their questions. I've had to poker face kids asking me why someone would ever put someone else's penis in their mouth, what a harem is, and kids very earnestly describing their first wet dreams without having any idea that they were describing wet dreams. there cannot be any "no," it's "yes, and" from here on it. "yes that sounds weird to you, and it's completely fine to do that with people you trust if and when you feel ready to have sex" has got to be the constant refrain. be as rigorously open-minded and non-judgmental as possible establishes that you are a safe person to talk to honestly, and encourages your kiddo to be similarly curious and accepting.
if you ever find yourself really flustered by a question, or you genuinely don't have an answer, it's okay to pull a "I don't know! let me find out more information and get back to you." (also great behavior to model for kids, btw.) if you're ever stumped trying to figure out how to break something down into 4th grader-sized chunks, I recommend Scarleteen as a starting place - it's a sex ed forum run by volunteers for teens, some of them pretty young, so the answers are written very accessibly.
easing into the topic by discussing things like feelings and puberty can be a great way to ease in. have they talked about puberty at school? are their friends having any bodily changes? how do people talk about bodies? do kids get made fun of for developing breasts or growing body hair? does anyone at school date? how does the kid you're talking with feel about all of that? I might just be blessed with unusually gossipy kids, but they LOVE dishing about how other kids act. I learn so so much about my students by asking them to tell me how their peers behave at school; they love to narc.
also: it can be a huge bummer if YOU were really ready to rumble being sex positive and a source of info, but sometimes kids just aren't ready to engage with that. I've know 4th graders who are extremely at eases talking about the ins and outs of vaginal anatomy and 6th graders who would rather run away than even acknowledge genitals exist; there's no predicting when anyone will be comfortable with this. to a certain degree you might need to encourage a kid through initial awkwardness, but if they're reaching a point of serious distress and discomfort we've got to let it go. unfortunately I've taught kids who reacted to their parents' enthusiasm for sex positivity by wilting in exactly the opposite direction, getting anxious and confrontational whenever the topic came up. the majority of kids will become curious in their own time, especially as puberty and sexuality becomes more pressing to them and their peers, and sometimes the best thing you can do is leave that door open for them to return to in their own time.
also, hey! if you're ever really really stuck, I'm here on tumblr dot com :) I'm by now means an expert, but I've taught a LOT of fourth graders what a condom is.
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hi sex witch!
is it a good idea to get STI tested if I've never done any sexual activity (never even kissed someone) but my mom got hpv before she was pregnant with me?
hi anon,
great question! while HPV can be transmitted from parent to child during birth, the odds of it actually happening are extremely low.
obviously I'm never going to discourage anyone from getting an STI test, because knowledge about your body is important (especially for future sexual partners and knowing your options re: HPV vaccines) but if it's not an immediately pressing issue (like, "partnered sex is happening in the next five minutes" levels of pressing) it's probably okay if you aren't running straight to the gynecologist.
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I've identified as asexual and sex repulsed for a long while, but lately I've been questioning it a bit... I suspect I'm still somewhere on the ace spectrum but I've been questioning my relationship with sex *as a whole*, particularly since I've been getting more sex ed (which is partly thanks to your blog). I've been thinking... It might be more about my relationship with my body and sexual organs than actual sex? Like, I think if I were just smooth like a barbie doll, no actual sexual bits or anything, I would be totally fine doing "kinky" and "sexy" stuff with someone. If I just... Didn't have the organs and stuff. Is that strange?
hi anon,
that's not especially strange (although it still wouldn't be bad if it was). lots of trans people find that they experience big shifts in their sexuality when they transition in any capacity - reconstructing your genitals or taking hormones will also change things, obviously, but many people find that simply claiming transness as their own and starting to be seen and treated as something other than the gender that caused them so much dysphoria can make sexuality much more comfortable. sexuality is deeply tied to the body, and it's hard to be at ease in a body that isn't yours.
I hope you can achieve your dream of being perfectly smooth like a barbie doll, or at least find a relationship with sexuality that suits you in the meantime. as I've been talking about bit in the last day or so, sex without involving the genitalia is perfectly possible, especially in the realm of kink.
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Hi sex witch. I'm sorry if it sounds blunt, not entirely sure how to phrase it. But I find that I have never felt turned on? Ever?? Watching videos, reading stuff, touching myself down there does nothing, like.. I don't feel anything new, especially not between my legs. I want to experience sex and similar things, but I think I need to be turned on for it? And I don't know how, because those (videos, touching myself) are the only things to do I found looking on the internet. Does this just mean I am asexual?
hi anon,
actually, wanting to call yourself asexual means you're asexual. that's kind of the deciding factor there. if you want to be ace, then mazel tov. and if you don't then mazel tov anyway, because I'm sure whatever other thing you are is also lovely.
so you don't experience much in the way of physical arousal. that's fine, bodies are always doing shit that's inconvenient and unhelpful to our plans. I wish I could do cartwheels, and my body sure as shit isn't on board with that. but if I really wanted to, I could take the time to learn how to do that. and you can absolutely do whatever kind of sex you want to, you might just need a little bit of extra lube and finagling to make it happen depending on what kind of sex you're interesting in - which is assuming that you won't suddenly find your body reacts very differently to partnered stimuli, which is entirely possible.
fuck around and find out, dude, the world's your oyster.
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Herpes anon- I hope this makes it to you! I was left in a similar situation. I was with someone who was absolutely trash to me for a short time who didn’t disclose. I thought hsv1 would destroy my life. For a long while there, I let it. But just so you know, I got older and recently disclosed to two people and they were still very interested in me. I actually felt stupid for holding myself back for years and years. I’m now in the best relationship I’ve ever been in and I think we’ll probably get married. You’re not alone, I promise, even if you feel painfully alone. I love you and future partners will love you too, if that’s what you’re looking for. Best of luck ❤️
LOVE THIS, totally healthy and love-filled life with herpes is extrmeely possible!
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Hi sex witch! I have a question;
is it normal to not really be able to cum or feel pleasure from regular penetrative sex/not be able to orgasm or feel pleasure from masturbating using only fingers? I have a vibrator, it works great, and it feels amazing, but I feel like I've ruined it for myself to be able to cum or feel good by using my fingers or penetration. I've found that I can only cum using my fingers when I have a vibrator on my clit, and though I haven't been able to test out using my vibrator when it comes to sex with my partner, I assume its going to be the same result.
Thank you!
hi anon,
what you're describing is extremely common; most surveys of cis women find that somewhere around 3/4 or more of them don't orgasm from vaginal penetration alone and generally want stimulation for the clit and/or other areas in addition. it's because the clit is the sensitive part, mostly.
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hey sex witch. I am ace-spec and maybe aro-spec and have never dated anyone. I want to try dating. It seems nice. But both times I've been asked out ive said no. to be fair a factor in this is that I, a woman, am more commonly attracted to women than to men and both people who asked me out are men. I guess I want to be able to go into a relationship knowing if it is leaning romantic or platonic as I am rather bad at picking up on romantic signs (whether it be me being flirted with or when friends are dating im usually the last to figure it out). Any advice for ways to dip my toe into dating?
hi anon,
have you considered being the one to ask someone out? it seems like that would nicely solve the problem of not being attracted to the people who ask you out, and you'll know what your own intentions are re: romance, which you can also clarify to your intended date right out of the gate so that everyone is on on the same page.
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are certain lubes better suited for vaginal or anal sex? or are they all the same?
hi anon,
water-based, oil-based, and silicone-based lube are all suitable for either vaginal or anal sex. many people prefer silicone-based lubricants for anal sex because it's so long-lasting and durable, which is helpful when you're working with an orifice that won't naturally lubricate itself. oil-based lubricants are also a no-go with latex condoms, which is relevant for both vaginal and anal sex. beyond that it's all a matter of personal preference!
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top 5 things people should know about sex
sex doesn't ever have to involve penetration or even genitalia if you don't want it to.
the lack of an orgasm isn't necessarily a sign that the sex was bad, and the presence of one isn't a guarantee that the sex was good or even wanted.
wanting or needing any kind of aides during sex - vibrators, other toys, more lube, pillows to prop up parts of your body, etc - is totally fine and doesn't mean that anyone isn't "good enough" as they are.
there's no guaranteed trick to make yourself a better sexual partner except for subjecting yourself to the mortifying ordeal of being known and just talking to your partner(s).
statistically speaking whatever you think is weird about your own body or sexual proclivities is probably pretty average.
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should a person with a penis pee after slash before sex
hi anon,
well, I suppose that depends on whether or not they needed to pee. if yes, then sure.
peeing beforehand is never a bad idea for anyone, if possible, since it would be inconvenient to suddenly realize you desperately need to pee right in the middle of sex. particularly for people with a penis, because there are muscles that essentially pinch off the bladder from the urethra during sexual arousal to make sure that there's no cross-contamination, as it were. speaking purely in terms of reproduction it's a bad idea to have pee coming out instead of semen, which is why we should all salute everyone with a dick and a piss kink who's had to furiously fight their way through millions of years of evolutionary adaption in order to chase their bliss.
as for afterward, one has to imagine that inevitably at some point after sex our hypothetical penis-owner will need to piss again, barring some unprecedented anatomical conditions. possibly you're asking if they ought to sprint straight for the toilet immediately after sex as people with vulvas are often advised to do, in which case I'm delighted to report that no one really needs to be doing that. "pee after sex" doesn't mean turning into sonic the hedgehog to get to the toilet as fast as possible the moment sex is done, it means not delaying when you feel the urge arise because it's better to flush out your urethra sooner rather than later in the hopes of preventing any bacteria from flourishing.
people with penises are generally less at risk from post-sex UTIs anyway, thanks to their longer urethras, but it sure doesn't hurt as I said, peeing at some point is pretty much inevitable. stay hydrated and nature will take it's course.
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going to format this like a reddit post because it’s the only way. i (transmasc) don’t know if i’m sexually attracted to the girl (transfem) im having sex with. i’ve known for a while that i’m asexual and fuck for fun, and when i see my friend who i’m fucking, i don’t have any immediate overwhelming desire to have sex with her, unless we’re like, in the moment yknow? like i totally forget that it’s even an option bc i could just sit there and talk to her for hours as my friend bc i love (platonic) her dearly and we have a lot of stuff in common. my only quip is that like, is that sexual attraction ???? being in her bed and having our hands on each other and kinda feeling it then? but not at other times? is sexual attraction constant?? maybe im bisexual and aromantic. or maybe i’m regular bisexual and i just dont like romantic relationships. makenzie why are human minds so goddamn difficult to parse the emotions of? i want to be her friend but im confused by my emotions towards her. how am i consistently having sex with someone im not literally sexually attracted to? and liking it? i mean that kinda has to be sexual attraction right? idk. help girl (gender neutral)
hi anon,
have a seat. drink some water. take a deep breath. we're wildly overthinking this.
what you call yourself - asexual, aro bi, bi but not into romance, whatever - that doesn't actually matter.
here are the things I'm worried about here: are you feeling at all pressured or coerced here? given the choice would you want to stop having sex with this person? do you feel comfortable setting boundaries and saying no when you have sex? you don't need to be overcome with raw sexual yearning for your sexual buddy, but do you enjoy and look forward to having sex with her? is this a positive experience for you?
it's fine to have sex even if you don't walk around thinking about it drooling like a horny cartoon wolf, whether it's because you're asexual or just allosexual without a particularly vigorous sex drive. (the line between those things can be pretty blurry and is pretty up to you to define, by the way.) sex can be fun and feel great; it's fine to want to do that even if you don't have a longing in your loins for it.
think of it this way? I don't particularly like most vegetables, but I like how my body will feel when I eat them, so I make a point of doing that as much as I can. and when I cook them they'll usually come out pretty tasty, and I'll enjoy or at least fell neutral about them. and still doesn't mean I like vegetables, or at least I don't particularly identify as someone who likes vegetables, but I did. eat those vegetables.
the sex is vegetables.
I can't tell you if this is sexual attraction. but also it doesn't matter very much as long as you're being safe and having fun.
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More a sex adjacent question than an actual sex question, but here goes.
After about 4 years of being single, I'm ready to start trying dating and sex stuff again. Unfortunately, the prospect of trying to navigate dating apps, and hopefully eventually sex, fills me with dread because of my appearance. I'm a fat guy with a smallish dick and a large scar that makes my stomach look like an ass. I know the odds are against me in looking attractive to potential partners. But that's just my dumb emotions, rationally I know that there is somebody out there who would find me attractive, it's just frustrating thinking about the odds.
Actual question: Any advice for how to get out of your own head when you aren't conventionally attractive and just put yourself out there?
hey anon,
I have great news. people who are fat and have big scars and small dicks and don't consider themselves to be conventionally have attractive are going on dates and having sex and falling in love literally ever day, all over the place. I'm not going to pretend that the apps are literally hell on earth for everyone and particularly people who don't look like insta models, but come on. don't count yourself out before you even try. there's a pot for every lid, my dude, and you are exactly the pot that somebody's looking for.
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