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jakeshands · 1 year

Text

stars will fall

pairing, park sunghoon x fem! reader

synopsis, you’ve had a crush on park sunghoon for the longest time. all you’ve ever wanted was sunghoon to notice you, or at least pick you out of the dozen other girls throwing themselves at his feet. you can’t believe it takes a zombie apocalypse for him to notice you.

genre, zombie apocalypse au, aouad au, strangers (?) to lovers, mutual pining to lovers

warnings, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, swearing, lots of death, minor character death, open/ambiguous ending, reader gets cut with a knife, lots of mentions of blood, stabbing, mentions of guns.

word count, 16.4k

author’s note, heavily inspired by all of us are dead, like there might be some similiar scenes from aouad in this fic😨 please enjoy reading this it was A Lot To Write. i also watched a the last of us gameplay while writing this…so theres some tlou influence in this fic as well. maybe i’ll write a tlou au who knows?! also this fic is heavily unedited, pls mind my mistakes Lol! this fic is for daphne, ily the hoonerz to my jake🫶🫶

Your life is like a wave brushing against the shoreline. It’s full of routine. It’s full of gentle actions and gentle words. It’s nothing out of the ordinary. Your life isn’t remarkable; you spend your days at school and in your apartment with your mother. You spend nights eating at the chicken restaurant your friend’s parents own. You study until you pass out. Rinse and repeat.

Your life is like a steady wave brushing against the shoreline. It’s a natural occurrence. You stay in the routine you’ve known your whole life. Wake up, take a shower, have breakfast with your mom, walk with Seeun to school, sit next to Kim Sunoo and listen in on his conversations hoping you’ll hear a word about Park Sunghoon, you sit with Seeun in the cafeteria at lunch and watch Park Sunghoon, you go back to class. After school you walk home with Seeun, study at the chicken restaurant her parents own, go to the karaoke booth next door for an hour, walk back to your apartment with Seeun, and study until you pass out. Rinse and repeat.

Today is nothing out of the ordinary. You kiss your mother goodbye and wait outside your apartment for Seeun. The door next to you swings open and Yoon Seeun steps out, a white ribbon tying her hair back. “Y/N!” Seeun cheers, reaching for your hand. “Sorry I’m late. Are you ready to go? I think we’ll have enough time to make it before they start handing out detention slips.”

You hum. “You better wish for that, Seeun. We’ve cut it close before, but never this close. C’mon, I want to at least get to school and have a few seconds to stare at Sunghoon from afar.”

Seeun giggles and you ignore her. You know what Seeun thinks of your crush, she thinks you should just confess your feelings to Sunghoon. “There’s no harm, Y/N!” Seeun’s always told you, but she just doesn’t get it. There’s so much to lose when it comes to facing someone like Park Sunghoon who was built by the hands of Earth.

Park Sunghoon is a widely-known name in the province. He’s an up-and-coming figure skater, his visuals are akin to the K-pop idols you see at university festivals, his body proportions are those of a model’s. His personality, well, that’s a part of the mystery called Park Sunghoon. His name may be widely spoken about, but no one has helpful information about Park Sunghoon. If he’s ever talked about, it’s either about his figure skating career, his looks, or his friends. Sunghoon’s never spoken to anyone outside of his family and close friends as far as you’re aware. You’ve been going to the same school as Sunghoon ever since you could remember and he’s always hung out with the same six boys.

Your crush on Sunghoon started when you were fourteen. Puberty was a crazy time for you. The girls and boys were maturing and separating into groups, it wasn’t the same anymore. You stuck with Seeun, of course, because she was the only friend you ever made. You remember the day you started liking Sunghoon with clarity. It was after school, you were at Seeun’s chicken restaurant and Sunghoon entered. He was laughing with his friends over something, and you swear you’ve never seen anyone laugh prettier than Sunghoon. It was like time had slowed as you watched Sunghoon laugh. It was then, you realized you wanted to see Park Sunghoon laugh for the rest of your life.

Too bad the world wasn’t on your side and as years passed, Sunghoon became more withdrawn and seeing him laugh became something of the past. Now, you rarely ever saw Sunghoon. The only times you were given chances to see Sunghoon was before school started and at lunchtime. You took those moments and cherished them.

You thought this year would change everything; you were assigned to sit beside Kim Sunoo, one of Park Sunghoon’s closest friends. But most of the year has passed and you haven’t said anything more than four sentences to Kim Sunoo. Darn you and your social awkwardness. Soon you’ll have to resign and admit the truth; you’re nothing more than another one of Park Sunghoon’s fangirls.

You and Seeun rush across the street and through the school’s gates hand-in-hand. Only a few minutes left until school starts and detention slips are handed out. Breathing heavily as you slow down into a walk, you glare at Seeun. “That was extremely close, See.”

Seeun rolls her eyes. “Whatever, Y/N. Let’s go find your loverboy.”

You did not get to see your loverboy that morning. You slouch in your seat that morning, pouting lightly as you drew random stars all over your textbook. You’ll always have lunchtime to stare at Sunghoon from afar and wonder what it would be like to sit next to him and listen to him laugh. Beside you, Sunoo stares out the window, sunlight washing across his face. You’ve always thought Sunoo was handsome. His visuals are sharp and fox-like, it’s no wonder he’s the most admired boy on campus behind Park Sunghoon. (He’s often referred to as the Handsome Oppa of your class.)

A chair scrapes back drawing your attention away from Sunoo. Kang Suyeon stands, her hands resting against the desk in front of her. Suyeon’s face was extremely pale and sweat dripped down the side of her face. “Excuse me, could I please go --” Suyeon couldn’t even finish her sentence because she faints and panic spreads through the classroom.

“Kim Sunoo! Kim Y/N!” The teacher gestures for you to help her lift Suyeon up. “Let’s go to the nurse’s office.” The teacher says after both of Suyeon’s arms are wrapped around your and Sunoo’s shoulders. Together, you and Sunoo struggle under Suyeon’s weight to take the fainted girl to the nurse’s office.

“Poor Suyeon,” Sunoo says gently, his eyes darting over to you, “I hope she’s okay.”

You nod slightly in response. “Me too.”

Entering the nurse’s office you freeze up -- why is Sunghoon here?

“Y/N?” Sunoo asks, looking at you questioningly. A blush spreads over your face and you stumble forward, placing Suyeon on the bed next to where another student lies, face also pale and sweating. Park Sunghoon and Sim Jaeyun stand next to the boy watching as Nurse Jeon checks whatever needs to be checked.

One look at Suyeon and Nurse Jeon glances at your teacher. “Another one?”

“What do you mean, Sooyoung?”

Nurse Jeon drags your teacher out of the office leaving you alone with Sunoo, Jaeyun, Sunghoon, and two unconscious students. Afraid to glance around the room, your eyes never leave Suyeon. Her chest rises and falls at a rapid rate, and she’s sweating more than she was in the classroom. You stare at her hands, the area around her cuticles was bleeding pretty badly. Suyeon must’ve been picking at her skin before she fainted.

“Did she also faint, Sunoo?” Jaeyun asks. “Joon also fainted. Fell right out of his seat.”

Sunoo nods. “Suyeon stood up to ask the teacher something, but fainted halfway through her sentence,” Sunoo glances at the doorway of the office and then leans across the bed Suyeon lay on, lowering his voice. “I heard a rumor a couple of days ago. Apparently, Suyeon’s pregnant.” Sunoo looks back at Suyeon, “that’s probably why she fainted.”

It’s silent for a few moments before Sunghoon snorts. “You don’t believe that bullshit rumor do you, Sunoo?”

“Hey!”

You hear a chuckle. Looking up, you find Sunghoon grinning as his shoulders move. He was laughing and your insides curl up. You’re finally hearing the laugh you’ve been dying to hear for years.

“You’ll be eating your words soon, Sunghoon,” Sunoo scowls. “Nurse Jeon will walk back in and check Suyeonie and say she’s pregnant. You’ll owe me ten thousand won.”

Sunghoon laughs again. You really like his laugh.

Suyeon jolts awake suddenly, shattering apart the joyful mood in the room as everyone jumps back. “Suyeon --” your voice stops sharply when Suyeon grips your wrist, her fingernails digging into your skin and you cry out. You use your other hand to try and pry off Suyeon’s hands but to no avail.

Another hand appears and helps pry off Suyeon’s hand. “Jaeyun,” Sunghoon calls out, “hold her down. You too, Sunoo.” He calls for nurse Jeon after, taking your wrist into his hand as blood trails down from where Suyeon’s nails had dug into your skin and drops onto the white bedsheet. His hand is warm. “You’re hurt.” His eyes dig into yours. You feel uncomfortable beneath Sunghoon’s gaze because it doesn’t hold the same warmth that was there when he talked to Sunoo.

“Right,” you say, your voice shaking.

Sunghoon leads you over to a chair as nurse Jeon subsides Suyeon with some sort of injection. Kneeling down in front of you, Sunghoon cleans and bandages up your wrist. Pressing lightly, he looks back up at you. “Replace the bandage with a new one tomorrow morning.”

“O-Okay.” You internally curse yourself. Why did you have to be so awkward around Sunghoon?

“Y/N,” Sunoo calls out, “it’s time for us to head back.”

Nodding your head, you scramble up out of your chair and step around Sunghoon. His touch burns your skin and your heart quickens. You pinch yourself. No. You weren’t dreaming but this certainly felt like a dream.

“Are you okay, Y/N? Suyeonie was gripping you really hard,” Sunoo asks, concern shining on his face.

You smile, your cheeks burning beneath his attention. “I’m okay Sunoo, thank you for asking.”

Sunoo beams. He really does remind you of the sun. “Seatmates care for each other!” Warmth floods your chest and your cheeks burn even more. Sunoo’s sincere words circle your mind even as you settle back down in your seat next to Sunoo.

—-

It was finally lunchtime. You watch Sunghoon from afar as he laughs with Lee Heeseung, throwing some food at the older boy. Beside you, Seeun admires the bandage Sunghoon placed on you. “Wow, this is like a relic, Y/N. I bet if you auction it off it could go for a high price. I don’t think anyone has ever been bandaged up by Sunghoon before.”

You huff and rip your wrist out of Seeun’s hands. “I forgot to say thank you to Sunghoon. I should probably go do that now because what if he thinks I’m impolite? Oh, I would never sleep at night if I knew he thought that.”

Seeun laughs. “Well, go on then, thank loverboy for bandaging you up. Gift him with a kiss while you’re at it.”

You scowl and take your eyes off Sunghoon. “Seeun, shut up.”

Seeun giggles and reaches out to pinch your cheeks. “Hey! It’s just a suggestion! And I didn’t mean on the lips, you crazy girl! The cheek would do just fine.”

You ignore Seeun and turn back around to stare at Sunghoon, only to find him gone. The table where he sits with his friends is abandoned and you slump, looking back at Seeun. “I missed my chance. Now he’s going to think I’m impolite for the rest of his life.”

Seeun laughs and rubs your back. “Y/N, I’m sure he doesn’t think that.”

You ignore Seeun and push the food in front of you around on your plate. “I’m doomed for eternity. He’ll probably tell Sunoo he thinks I’m impolite for not saying thank you to him and Sunoo will gossip about it and soon --”

You never get to finish your sentence because students rush into the cafeteria, terror plastered across their faces. Seconds later, you see the reason why they were terrified.

Zombies.

Zombies only ever existed in your imagination. They only ever existed in books, movies, and TV shows. Not once did you ever think you would be an active participant in a Zombie apocalypse. You couldn’t move a single muscle as you watch students around you scramble to the exit or get tackled to the ground by a hungry Zombie. Beside you, Seeun screams in terror.

The Zombies were grotesque. Their faces were mutilated; like someone had punched them over and over. Blood covered their faces, eyes were gorged out and hanging, teeth were missing, cheeks were cut open, the eyes that remained in the eyesockets were the darkest black you had ever seen, and their skin was a terrifying pale green color.

“Y/N!” Seeun screams, terrified.

You snap back into reality as the fire alarm goes off and the sprinklers turn on. You and everyone else in the cafeteria are drenched in seconds. You survey the carnage going on around you. Zombies were pouring in through every available entrance and exit. In all honesty, you believed that this would be where you would die.

Windows.

You pinpoint a window, and then a table beneath it. You could stack chairs on top of the desk. Grabbing Seeun, you both slip across the wet ground, narrowly avoiding the Zombies that were once people you knew. Seeun sobs loudly behind you, shrieking whenever a Zombie strayed too close to the both of you. Your main priority was Seeun, you needed her safe.

Reaching the window, you tell Seeun to help you push a table up against the wall. Behind you, screams of terror filled the silence. You heard snarling and bones cracking, you heard other students crying out the names of their friends dying in front of their eyes. You needed to get out. You needed to find safety -- an adult. You needed an adult.

Grabbing a chair, you climb onto the table and smash open a window. Seeun climbs onto the table next to you, her sobs now muffled by the palms of her hands. You place the chair on top of the table and step onto it peering out the window. It was safe. Far safer than the cafeteria. “You first,” you tell Seeun.

“Y/N --”

“Seeun,” you cut your friend off, gripping her tightly, “I need you safe. You’re going first.”

Seeun nods her head. “Okay. Okay. Me first.” With a shaky inhale, Seeun climbs onto the chair, grips the window pane, and pulls herself out of the cafeteria. “Your turn!” She calls out and relief floods your body. Glancing behind you, you see the carnage -- it’s a sight you’ll remember for the rest of your life.

You drop down next to Seeun and grab her hand. “Let’s go to the nurse's office,” you say to Seeun. “Nurse Jeon will know what to do.” Together you both run away from the cafeteria and out into the courtyard, not expecting other places to be swarmed with Zombies -- but they were everywhere.

You begin to wonder how this was even possible -- where did the Zombie army come from? How were they able to turn that quickly? A Zombie lunges for both you and Seeun and with a quick yank, you pull the both of you away.

“Y/N!” Seeun calls out, but you ignore her. Surely Nurse Jeon is alive. She has to be. If not, maybe you and Seeun could seek refuge in the nurse’s office. You drag Seeun toward one of the entrances to the school building, but it’s immediately blocked by Zombies. You divert to another path, but come up short and terror begins to flood your body at a faster rate.

You didn’t want to die -- you couldn’t. You still had so much left to do.

But everywhere you went, there were Zombies and at every wall, Seeun sobbed louder. Anger and terror flood your veins, it blinds you, and you take Seeun down to a quieter place. Leaning against the wall, you turn to Seeun. “Seeun --”

“Y/N,” Seeun interrupts, “it’s hopeless.”

“Seeun, don’t say that,” you say, taking her other hand into yours. “I’ll look for another way in -- surely there’s a window we can climb into --”

“Y/N!” You’ve never heard Seeun scream louder. Suddenly, you’re yanked behind Seeun and watching a Zombie tackle Seeun to the ground. The world slows. There’s a loud ringing in your ears as you watch the terror occurring in front of you. Seeun’s screaming, desperately reaching for you, but you can’t hear her. You drop to your knees and crawl forward. Tears drop onto your hands. You didn’t even know you were crying. When did you start crying?

Desperately, you try to pull the Zombie off Seeun but it’s no use. You aren’t strong enough. The world is still quiet. Seeun stills beneath the Zombie, her hand falling limply to the ground. The Zombie’s eyes focus on you and you give in. This is how you die. Abruptly, there’s another hand on your shoulder that slips down to your forearm and is yanking you up onto your feet.

“Y/N!” Someone shouts right next to you. Everything slams back in focus and you finally hear everything -- you hear someone sobbing loudly but Seeun’s dead? Who is the one crying now? You touch your face. Oh, you’re the one crying.

You’re yanked forward as the Zombie pounces your way. You stumble over your feet, but the hand on your forearm keeps you steady. You focus on your savior; silver hair, long legs, and a familiar warm grip. It’s Park Sunghoon -- what was Park Sunghoon doing?

You try to say something, but all that comes out is a sob. You don’t know what is happening. One moment you were sitting in the cafeteria with Seeun, and the next you were watching her die. Your arm hangs limp in Sunghoon’s grip as he drags you through the outside of the school. Zombies and lifeless bodies litter the ground. Loud screaming and snarls fill the air and you wonder if Seeun could make it out of this alive even if you did just watch her die. Seeun can’t be dead. Sure, you saw her arm fall to the ground, but Sunghoon had pulled you away too soon.

Seeun can’t be dead. With that thought, you rip your arm out of Sunghoon’s hold causing the older boy to top in his tracks. He whirls around, eyes wide as he focuses all his attention on you. In another situation, you would be frozen beneath this kind of attention, but right now, all you want is Seeun by your side once more.

“Y/N --”

“Seeun’s not dead. I need to go back for her.” You like to think you sound more articulate and calm, but all that comes out are sobs and jumbled-up words. You watch Sunghoon’s eyes droop in sympathy. “Seeun -- she’s not -- she can’t be --”

“Y/N,” Sunghoon takes your hand. “I’m sorry. But we have to keep moving. They’re waiting for us.” He springs back into action with you following behind, sobbing even louder. You don’t even remember how you make it into the school building. Tears fill your vision and Seeun’s death is repeated in your mind. The more you watch it, the more hopelessness fills you. Seeun’s really dead. There’s no denying it anymore. Seeun’s dead and you just watched her die.

The running stops. Sunghoon bangs on a door and it slides open. You and Sunghoon step into a familiar classroom filled with unfamiliar faces. Sunghoon drops your hand and helps whoever was behind you stack the chairs back on top of the desks keeping the door shut.

Once again, ringing fills your ears and the world quietens around you. Seeun’s death is still playing in your mind. Your eyes drop down to look at your hands, and you see the blood that wasn’t there before. You wail loudly and drop to your knees, bunching up your skirt and hurriedly scrubbing off the blood from your hands. It doesn’t work. The blood won’t come off your hands and you continue to sob.

There are voices.

“...Sunghoon what the fuck….”

“....../N? Why is she here, Sunghoon? You said you were getting…..”

“......just pick up random people!”

“….is she doing? Someone stop her, Y/N……”

Hands pull your skirt away. The rubbing stops and you look up. Sunghoon’s kneeling in front of you again, his mouth poised to speak when you shriek and scramble back from Sunghoon, your butt sliding across the floor. “Don’t touch me!”

Silence rings through the room.

You finally glance around the room. Lee Heeseung. Park Jongseong. Sim Jaeyun. Nishimura Riki. Kim Sunoo. Yang Jungwon. All of Sunghoon’s friends are gathered in one room. And now you’re here. You’re here, and Seeun’s out there. Lying all alone. You’re alive and Seeun’s dead and you watched. You watched Seeun die. Hot tears stream down your face and you desperately wipe them away with the back of your hand, not caring if blood is smeared across your face.

“Y/N,” it’s Sunoo. Your sweet seatmate settles in front of you. He reaches out and guides your hand away from your face, wiping the tears himself. There’s a gentle smile on his face. “You’re safe now.”

You ignore the purposeful cough after Sunoo’s words. You can worry about safety later -- for now, you’re in a classroom that isn’t full of Zombies. “Sunoo,” your voice cracks and you lean forward, your cheek pressed to Sunoo’s chest as he wraps you into a hug. “Seeun’s dead.”

“Oh, Y/N,” Sunoo’s hand rubs your back. “I’m sorry.”

There’s a loud bang on the door and everyone in the room jumps. Sunoo squeezes you tightly, his chest not moving beneath your cheek. The silence in the room is overwhelming. Seconds pass and there’s no other bang. “Let’s get you up, Y/N, come on.” Sunoo helps you up, wiping your face with his hands again.

Sunoo helps you to a chair, and as soon as you sit down, you notice everyone in the room looking at you. Bowing your head, the tips of your ears turn red.

“Y/N,” Sunghoon says and you peer at him. “Are you okay?”

Nishimura Riki snorts. “That’s a stupid question to ask, Sunghoon.”

“What else am I supposed to ask? ‘How’s your day going so far?’”

Jaeyun snorts, clearly amused but covers it up with a cough.

Sunghoon looks back at you, but you avert your eyes, opting to stare at your shoes instead. A heavy silence settles over the group. Noises that were still unfamiliar to you floated through the open window in the classroom. Goosebumps spread over your skin as you hear heavy footsteps run down the hallway. Everything happened so fast that you’re still running the events that lead up to this moment through your head.

The cafeteria. You were watching Sunghoon. Seeun was beside you. The Zombies came and you escaped out a window with Seeun.

The back exterior wall of a building. You and Seeun. Watching Seeun die. Sunghoon appears out of nowhere and drags you with him to some kind of safety.

The classroom. You’re with Sunghoon. And Sunoo. And their friends -- the friends everyone talks about. The world is muffled around you once more and your breathing grows shallow -- how are you supposed to get home? How are you supposed to look Seeun’s parents in the eye and tell her their daughter is dead and you watched.

“Y/N?” Sunoo’s gentle fingers brush hair behind your ear. He looks concerned as he holds your chin between his fingers. “Hey, it’s okay.” It’s not okay -- you don’t think it will ever be okay because Seeun’s gone. Your best friend is gone. And you hate how her death is the only thing you can see whenever you close your eyes.

You tune back into the conversation happening beside you. Jongseong sounds exasperated. “We’ll stay here until tomorrow. We have no plan, Heeseung. And Sunghoon decided to add one more person to our party of seven.” Jongseong sounds more than exasperated, he sounds resentful. You curl into yourself even more because it wasn’t like you asked to join Sunghoon, he was the one who pulled you away from your death sentence.

“Having Y/N doesn’t mean the end of the world, Jongseong,” Jaeyun says, sighing after his sentence. “Since Sunghoon brought her here, she’s his burden.”

Burden. That’s all you were to these seven boys. A burden. And no one wants to bear the burden.

Sniffling, you wipe your nose with the sleeve of your school cardigan and stand up. The chair scrapes against the ground and all attention is pulled to you once again. You stalk over to the corner of the classroom and slide down the wall, curling up into a ball, and pressing your face against your legs desperate to sleep because when you wake up, hopefully, you’ll be back in your seat beside Sunoo with the sun shining on your face and Seeun’s familiar giggles floating through the classroom.

—-

It’s night when you pull your face away from your legs. It’s gotten oddly quieter, the only noises are from the Zombies. Looking out into the darkened classroom, you find Jaeyun, Riki, Heeseung, and Sunoo playing a card game, using the light from the lamp outside the classroom as a way to see.

Someone drops down beside you. Park Sunghoon. He holds out half a slice of Tiramisu wordlessly. He holds the other half. You hadn’t realized how hungry you were until it was in your mouth. Instantly, you’re savoring the flavor and your taste buds are begging for more.

“How are you feeling, Y/N?” Sunghoon asks, his voice low.

You shrug. You didn’t know the answer to that question because you were feeling so much that it felt like nothing. Turning your head slightly you stare at Sunghoon, his silver hair standing out in the dark classroom. You don’t think you’ve ever seen anyone as perfect as Park Sunghoon. It was like his existence was written in the stars because no one has ever shone as brightly as he has. Sunghoon has everything anyone’s ever wanted.

“I’m sorry about Seeun,” Sunghoon says again, his eyes meeting yours.

“It’s okay,” you whisper, your finger tracing shapes on the dirty ground beneath you. Sunghoon’s uniform looks perfect like he had just put it on. His shoes, though, give it all away. They’re bloody, just like your skirt and your hands. “Can I call my mom?” You hate how your voice trembles. “I miss her. I want to hear her voice.”

“Oh,” Sunghoon glances over to his friends playing cards in the lamplight. “We don’t have any phones with us, Y/N.”

“Oh.” Your eyes burn again and you blink them away. You’re starting to grow sick of crying. “Do we know anything about this situation at all?”

Sunghoon shakes his head and his knee bumps yours. You feel the familiar warmth you felt back in the nurse’s office when Sunghoon bandaged you up.

The Nurse’s office.

“Sunghoon,” you start tentatively, his name rolling out of your mouth awkwardly. “What about Suyeon and Joon?”

Sunghoon looks at you confused.

“This morning. They both fainted and looked really pale and were sweating lots and what if they’re patient zero and one and --” Your heartbeat increases with each word you say, and it peaks as Sunghoon interrupts your sentence by grabbing your arm and peeling off your bandage.

Where there were four bloody scratches before, there was now nothing. It was as if you had never been scratched.

Your heart stills and you look up at Sunghoon who was already looking at you. “Sunghoon, I --”

A loud thud interrupts you. And another. And another. The silence in the classroom is loud. Sunghoon’s hand tightens around your wrist. Terror seeps through your blood and you adjust your position on the floor to be closer to Sunghoon.

Then, it happens all too fast; the window on the door to the classroom is smashed open and somehow, all the chairs stacked up on the table in front of the door go tumbling down onto the ground revealing a young boy. The snarling of the Zombies grows louder and the young boy, bleeding and terrified, pulls himself through the broken window of the door.

“Taki?” Nishimura Riki knows the boy. He’s looking at the unfamiliar boy with excitement, relief, and apprehension.

Turning around, the boy smiles when he spots Riki. “Riki! Hey!” He holds up his hand and waves and that’s when you, and everyone else see it. A bite. His hand is bloody and there, clear as daylight, is a bite.

Sunghoon’s hand is firmer around your wrist when he pulls you up off the ground. You keep your eyes on the scene unfolding in front of you -- Taki waving enthusiastically with a wide smile while Riki regards him in disbelief which turns into sadness.

“Taki,” Riki starts softly as Sunghoon leads you over to the rest of the group. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Riki!” Taki replies, still cheerful as ever.

The groans and snarls of Zombies grow even closer.

“Taki,” Riki says again, his voice still soft and eyes shining in the dark.

“Yeah?”

The first tear falls down Riki’s cheek. “You’re my best friend, you know that?”

“You’re mine too!” That’s when you notice it: Taki’s skin is beginning to turn green. Beside you, Heeseung and Jongseong exchange words in a low mumble.

“Sunghoon,” you whisper, “his skin. Look.”

“Y/N,” you look up at Sunghoon, his eyes rake over your face and even though you’re in the middle of imminent death, you feel warm. “Stick close.” His fingers brush over your wrist and somehow your stomach is still able to produce butterflies.

Heeseung walks closer to where Riki and Taki stand and lays a hand on Riki’s shoulder. “Riki,” Heeseung speaks, “we can’t stay here.” Behind you, a window clicks open. The tension in the room rises and you begin to feel unsettled. The groans of the Zombies are closer than ever.

“Heeseung --”

“Riki. We have to go.” Heeseung’s voice is hard and you see his hand digging into Riki’s shoulders.

“But Taki --”

“We can’t save him, Riki.”

There’s a loud snarl and that’s when you see it. One of the many Zombies crowding the door’s broken window. Flashes of Seeun’s death run through your mind and you can’t breathe. This feels all too scary and you want to escape. You want to go home. You want to be walking to school with Seeun again. You want to be fourteen and see Park Sunghoon laugh for the first time again.

“Riki? What’s going on?” Taki is confused. He doesn’t realize his skin is turning a light shade of green. He doesn’t notice the black liquid pouring out of his eyes. He doesn’t realize how black his eyes are turning. Taki steps closer as Riki and Heeseung step back.

“Taki,” Riki’s sob is heartbreaking. You hate this, you hate watching Riki have to come to terms with the fact his friend is turning into a Zombie. “You’ve been bitten.” Riki’s voice is thick as he speaks through the tears pouring down his face.

“What? No I’m not. Why are you saying these things, Riki?”

Behind you there’s movement. Glancing over your shoulder you find Yang Jungwon climbing out the window and slipping into the night.

There’s another thud and you find Taki on the ground with Heeseung gripping Riki tightly as the younger sobs loudly, adding more noise to snarling and groaning coming from the Zombies pressed up against the locked door.

In the next second, Taki is rising up from the floor and launching himself at Heeseung and Riki. Riki’s thrown out of the way and Heeseung tackles Taki down onto the floor. It’s like the Zombies are excited with the way they throw themselves at the door, eager to enter the room and take down the seven occupying the room.

There’s a flurry of movement behind you and you watch as Jongseong ushers Sunoo out the window. “You have to be careful, Sunoo,” Jongseong warns the boy, “one wrong move and you’re dead.”

Sunoo snorts. “That’s assuring, thanks, Jongseong.” And Sunoo’s gone, slipping into the night the same way Jungwon did. Suddenly, you’re being ushered forward, Jongseong’s sharp eyes slipping to you and immediate disdain creeps over his face.

“Y/N next,” Sunghoon demands from behind you.

“Sung--”

“She’s next.” Sunghoon’s voice leaves no room for argument and Jongseong huffs. You wonder how they both could be so calm in a situation like this. Behind you, you hear Heeseung grunt and Taki, the newly turned Zombie, growl. Riki’s sobs are loud and Jaeyun’s calming words aren’t doing anything to subdue the younger.

“What do I do?” You ask hesitantly, your voice quiet under Jongseong’s gaze.

“Climb out of the window and across to the broadcasting club’s room.”

Sunghoon’s hand slips from your wrist as Jongseong pulls you harshly towards the desk in front of the window. You look at him expectantly. “What?” Jongseong asks, “do you want to die?” You steal a glance at the horde of Zombies still pushing up against the door, their arms reaching through the window. You look at Heeseung, his school uniform getting torn beneath Taki’s needy hands, Jaeyun and Riki on the ground, and Sunghoon, who is behind you frowning.

When you look back at Jongseong, there’s shock hidden in his eyes. You wonder how he was able to figure out what you were thinking. You seriously wouldn’t mind dying right now. Jongseong’s reaching out and pulling you closer to him. You’ve never been this close to him. He looks extremely handsome.

“You’re not dying Y/N,” he whispers harshly, it’s hard to hear him over the noise echoing throughout the classroom. “And if you do die, it’ll be my own hands.” You never do get to ask Jongseong what he means because he’s pushing you towards the window and forcing you out. “Hold on, Y/N, and don’t look down. You’ll know when you’re at the broadcasting room because Jungwon will be waiting for you.”

The coldness of the night seeps through your school uniform. It does nothing to make the sweat on your hands evaporate, though. The ledge is not wide enough for a school kid to be inching their way across the outside of the school building. There’s little to nothing for your hands to grab onto and you don’t heed Jongseong’s advice. Looking down was your greatest mistake.

You’re so far up, and everywhere you look there’s a Zombie walking. One wrong step and you’re dead. You’re dead, and you won’t ever see Sunghoon again. One wrong step, and you’ll see Seeun again. Pushing yourself against the cool wall, you squeeze your eyes shut as tears form again. You didn’t want to be here in this situation. How did this all even happen? How did people you know turn into bloodthirsty monsters?

Opening your eyes, you see what Jongseong had meant when he told you Jungwon would be waiting for you. Light floods through an open window and there Yang Jungwon was, with fiery red hair, peering at you as he leans out of the window.

You don’t know much about Yang Jungwon; you just know the basics. He’s class president and head of the taekwondo club. He’s very good friends with Kang Taehyun and he works at a cat cafe. He’s also Park Sunghoon’s neighbor.

You inch your way over to the broadcasting club’s room, your hands sweatier than they’ve ever been. The horror that lay beneath you kept your heart rate beating at a rapid speed and kept terror streaming through your bloodstream.

Jungwon helps you into the broadcasting room, it’s much nicer in here and you spy a few water bottles resting on the desk. Instantly, you’re reminded of how thirsty you are. “Can we drink that?” You ask, making eye contact with Sunoo who spins around on a chair, his fingers fidgeting with whatever was in his lap.

“Go for it,” Sunoo says, “I think there’s enough for the eight of us.”

Riki is the next to join the three of you with bloodshot eyes and a runny nose. Sunoo, with pitying eyes, hands Riki a tissue box and gently cards a hand through the younger boy’s hair. Riki instantly melts into Sunoo’s touch and you feel your heart tugging in despair for the boy.

Jaeyun follows after Riki also looking incredibly disheveled. He converses with Jungwon in a low voice and you begin to grow restless waiting for the remaining three boys. It hasn’t even been a full day and you’re already exhausted. You’re ready for this to all be some kind of fucked up prank because you can’t take this anymore. You want to survive to see your mom again, but you’re already tired that the thought of giving yourself to the Zombies doesn’t scare you as much anymore.

Jongseong is the next to join. He doesn’t look happy, “they forced me to go. The door is about to break down and Taki’s only just been restrained --” There’s a loud cry, silence, and then a bone-shattering thud. You, along with the five boys, crowd the window and look out into the dead night. Someone’s lying on the pavement, their limbs bent in awkward angles and your breath catches.

Riki’s the first to turn away, Jaeyun following after. Sunoo’s hand snakes around your elbow and pulls you away from the window. “Come on, Y/N, let’s go sit and wait.” You could hear the desperation in Sunoo’s voice so you comply, also desperate for some sort of distraction from the fear telling you that body was Sunghoon.

“Sunoo,” you say in a hushed voice, your knees pulled up to your chest, “I was talking to Sunghoon before. We know nothing about what’s going on but what if Suyeon and Joon were the ones who started it? Think about it, Sunoo.” You were desperate to have some kind of answer because maybe then you could figure out a way to end this all, to bring everyone infected back.

Sunoo stares at you, his face morphing through many emotions. That was one thing you always loved about Sunoo, he was always transparent about how he felt. “Y/N,” Sunoo says in amazement, “oh my god. Suyeonie. She was pale, but I thought she looked kind of green, and Joon -- they were both sweating a lot and then --” his eyes drop to your wrist that was no longer bandaged.

“Y/N,” you immediately hide your wrist from Sunoo. “Y/N, Suyeon made you bleed.” His eyes meet yours and you see the fear.

“Sunoo --”

“Heeseung!” Jungwon exclaims, hurriedly pulling the oldest through the window. Seconds later, Sunghoon also lands in the broadcasting room and his eyes immediately seek you out. His and Heeseung’s uniforms were in tatters. There were big gaping holes in their blazers and buttons missing, blood covering their pants and white blouses, and their ties had been ripped off.

“Are you okay, Heeseung? Sunghoon?” Jaeyun asks, “you aren’t hurt?”

Behind them, Jongseong slams the window shut quite loudly, and follows it up with a loud shout of “fuck!” The response from the Zombies is almost instant -- they begin to snarl and groan, moving in the direction of the window that had just been shut.

Of course -- no one pays attention to that response except for Jaeyun who furrows his eyebrows.

Jungwon hands Jongseong the last water bottle full of water. “This is all we have,” Jungwon speaks gently, “we’ll need to venture out tomorrow to find supplies. We can’t stay in here forever.”

“There was plenty of food in that classroom,” Sunoo says forlornly. “Everyone’s bags had secret snacks for nighttime studying.”

“We also need a phone,” Sunghoon speaks up, “some form of communication. We’re in the dark, we have no clue what’s going on, and,” Sunghoon cuts himself off, sighing deeply, “there may be. .Infections beyond the school.”

Everyone inhales sharply, their worst fear coming true.

Jongseong slumps down in defeat, hanging his head. “Jungwon’s right. We can’t stay here forever. We have to leave and try and reach somewhere safe, like a quarantine camp. But first, we need a phone.”

“The only information I know is that Suyeon and Joon may have started the outbreak at school, but how they got it themselves is still a mystery,” Sunghoon continues, his eyes holding yours.

“How do you know that, Hoon?” Heeseung asks, resting beside Jongseong.

“Because when they were in the infirmary they were acting weird,” Sunghoon says, “before Joon knocked himself out, he was moving weirdly and always trying to bite Jaeyun and I. I don’t know much about Suyeon, but I know when she woke up, she grabbed onto Y/N and made her bleed.”

All attention is directed back to you again.

“I bandaged her up, the scratches were pretty bad. Before Taki came, I checked her wrist. The scratches aren’t there anymore. It’s almost like she wasn’t scratched.”

The silence is too loud.

“Suyeon’s fingers were bleeding,” Sunoo says in a hushed voice, “when she scratched Y/N, her blood must’ve come into contact with Y/N’s.”

“So, Y/N’s a Zombie,” Riki says.

“What?” You croak, taken aback by the accusation. “No. I’m not.”

“We don’t know that Y/N,” Jongseong backs up Riki. Of course he does. “You could be some weird evolved Zombie for all we know.”

You scowl, hot anger surging through your veins suddenly. You don’t know where the change in mood came from. “If I were a Zombie, you’d be dead already, Jongseong.”

Jongseong scoffs. “You wouldn’t even be able to land a single finger on me. I’d take you down before you even get the chance to bite me. You’re weak compared to me, Y/N.”

All you see is red. It’s like you don’t have control of your own mind as you lunge for Jongseong ready to prove him wrong. Before you could even touch the boy, an arm wraps around your waist and holds you back. You struggle in the person’s arms, and you spit at the ground in front of Jongseong. “I’ll kill you,” your mouth is moving without your consent and spitting out words you don’t want to say. “I’ll fucking kill you.” With one last struggle, you’re pushing arms holding you back from Jongseong off you. The next thing you hear is a loud thud and a groan.

Glancing over your shoulder you see Sunghoon crumpled up on the ground, the locker that stood behind him was caved in, marking how he was flung into the metal. You stop breathing and register the silence and eyes staring at you in terror.

“I think Jongseong’s right,” Jungwon speaks up. “We can’t trust you, Y/N.”

“I’m not a Zombie,” your hands clench, fingernails pressing into your palm. “I don’t even know how I did that!”

“We can’t trust you,” Jungwon repeats. “But I don’t think we should be pushing you out to be with the Zombies,” he gestures to the recording booth. “Go in there.”

“You want me in the recording booth?”

“Just until morning. If by morning, you haven’t changed or done something weird, we’ll let you out, but, if something happens overnight, we’re leaving you here for good.” Jungwon’s tone sounds final and you can’t find it in you to rebut his idea because, if you think about it logically, it’s what’s best for both you and the seven boys.

Entering the recording room with Jungwon locking you in, it grows deathly quiet. You’re alone with your thoughts for the first time today and you don’t know what to do.

—-

“Y/N.” You don’t know how much time has passed when Sunghoon steps into the recording room. Your head snaps up at the sound of his voice and immediately you’re spewing your apologies. You didn’t mean to throw Sunghoon into the lockers. You hope he’s not too injured, otherwise you won’t be able to sleep at night knowing you had hurt Sunghoon unintentionally.

Something of a smile appears on Sunghoon’s face as he sits in front of you. “It’s okay, Y/N, I know you didn’t mean to push me that hard.” His hand reaches for your wrist and you let him take it, his fingertips gently tracing the patch of skin that was once covered by scratches.

“Sunghoon?” You ask, not raising your voice above a whisper.

“Hmm?”

“Are you scared?”

It’s silent for a moment. The moonlight washes over Sunghoon’s face and you’ve never wanted to kiss someone this badly before. “Of you? Never,” came Sunghoon’s response, and your body burns. It burns so intensely you can’t breathe.

“Oh. I was asking if you were scared of the situation. Not me.”

Sunghoon looks up at you, his hand slipping from your wrist to hold your hand. “Oh. I meant what I said, Y/N. You don’t scare me.”

You smile softly. You don’t know how, but being with Sunghoon like this brings some sense of comfort to you. “Oh. Thank you, Sunghoon.”

Sunghoon smiles softly. It’s the first real smile you’ve seen on his face since this whole Zombie situation began. Warmth settles in your stomach and your shoulders sag, the weight you were carrying around slides off. “Are you okay, Y/N? How are you feeling?”

You snort lightly. ”That’s like the third time you’ve asked me if I was okay.”

“I ask because I care, Y/N.”

“Oh. Sunghoon, I--” you stare at Sunghoon, unblinking. Your stomach feels weird. It’s way too loud in the recording booth and you want out. You slip your hand out of Sunghoon’s and push your face into your legs. Did Sunghoon know about your feelings? Or was he being honest? You couldn’t believe that you were at the beginning of a Zombie apocalypse and still thinking about Sunghoon and how much you liked him.

“Y/N?” Sunghoon asks, sounding hesitant.

“I’m okay,” you mumble.

“Okay.” Awkward tension floats through the room. You don’t make any move to disperse the awkwardness and instead, you let it simmer.

“Right, I came in here because Sunoo told us the debate team was supposed to go on their annual school trip tomorrow, but obviously that isn’t going to happen, but in the classroom where they meet up, there’s a cupboard full of food and some water,” Sunghoon tells you and you don’t think you’ve ever heard him talk this hesitantly before.

You look back up at Sunghoon and instantly regret it because he’s so beautiful. “Oh. Okay. Do you have a plan yet? Am I even included in that plan? Because I can leave you all alone if you want. It might be easier since I’m probably a burden to you.”

Sunghoon stares at you. He stares at you for a long time that it becomes uncomfortable. “Do you think you’re a burden, Y/N?”

You shrug half-heartedly. “It’s easy to tell when I’m not wanted.”

“You’re wanted, Y/N,” Sunghoon says intently, his eyes never drifting away from yours.

You don’t say anything in response. How could that be true? It’s clear to see you’re a burden in the way the boys regard you, it’s clear to see you’re a burden in the way Jongseong talks to you, and it’s clear to see you’re a burden when you heard Jaeyun’s words.

“Y/N. .” Sunghoon says softly. You’ve never heard him speak like that before. It’s gentle like he’s coaxing a cat from underneath a car. It’s a comforting voice, one that makes you want to dive into and soak forever in. “You’re wanted.”

You scoff and look away, your heart tremors beneath your ribcage. Butterflies bloom and stick themselves to your gut. “How do I know you’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”

There’s a pause.

“Because I --” Sunghoon falters. His eyes slide away from your face and you feel your heart burn. “You should get some sleep, Y/N.”

“Right. Of course. Goodnight, Sunghoon.”

“Goodnight, Y/N. Sleep well.”

You don’t get any sleep that night.

—-

You’re allowed out of the recording booth when you wake up. You’re still regarded with caution, but you don’t care, you’re just glad to be out of the room. Sitting on the floor next to Sunoo, you listen to the conversation happening around you. They’re discussing a way to get to the debate room without alerting any Zombies to their presence.

“I have useful information if anyone wants to hear it,” Jaeyun says, raising his hand.

“What is it, Jaeyun?” Heeseung asks. “We’ll take anything at this point.”

“I think I know how to get past the Zombies.”

Everyone leans in and listens eagerly. “Sound attracts Zombies,” Jaeyun starts to explain. “And we’re in the broadcasting room. This is where the morning school announcements are made which means there are speakers all over school connected to this exact room. So, if we play a song, all the Zombies will move to wherever that sound is coming from. It’ll give us a clear path to the debate room.”

“I love it when you speak like that, Jaeyun,” Sunghoon comments, wearing a teasing smile. Seems like someone got a goodnight's sleep, you think bitterly to yourself. You were so sure Sunghoon was going to say something last night that was going to completely change your relationship. You were proven wrong, though.

“Someone needs to stay back though, right?” Riki asks, “because who will turn off the music?”

“I’m sure we can keep it going until it stops,” Sunoo pipes up.

“Yeah, but how will it stop?” Riki presses, “there’s no timer. It would keep on playing and we’d all go crazy.”

“I don’t think any of us should separate from the group,” Jungwon says firmly. “Separation is the last thing we want to do now.”

“What song should we play?” You ask, “because I suggest Red Velvet. Playing Zimzalabim would be so funny.”

Beside you, Sunoo giggles.

“I was gonna suggest Ring Ding Dong by SHINee,” Riki says, a wicked grin appearing.

“We’re immediately vetoing that idea,” Jongseong says, scowling in Riki’s direction.

“What about classical music?” Sunghoon asks, “that shit doesn’t get too repetitive, right? It’s just a bunch of instruments playing over and over again. No lyrics, just vibes.”

“No lyrics, just vibes,” Jongseong mimics and Sunghoon whacks him in retaliation.

“Let’s try to find some music, surely they have some in here,” Jaeyun says, standing up.

“First, I need to use the toilet,” Riki announces. “Should I pee out the window?” Riki earns disgusted groans in return and a small giggle from you.

“No. No peeing out of windows,” Jongseong says firmly. “We may be in an apocalypse but that doesn’t mean we don’t do our best to remain hygienic. We need to set up some kind of toilet, maybe in the recording booth? We’re not going to use it anymore, right?”

“I sure hope not,” you mutter, folding your arms over your chest. “Because there’s no way I’m going back in there under suspicion with it smelling like shit and piss.”

“The recording booth it is,” Jungwon says, “I did boy scouts when I was younger, let me build the toilet.”

“Me too!” Sunoo pipes up, eagerly pushing himself off the ground, “I was your group leader, remember Wonie?”

Jungwon’s smile is fond as he remembers his past memories, and together he and Sunoo begin to build the make-shift toilet. All around you, everyone falls into conversation to pass the time leaving you alone with your thoughts once more.

You begin to wonder how hard you had pushed Sunghoon to make a dent in the metal lockers to the left of you. In fact, you’re 100% certain you aren’t even that strong. You’re pretty weak so for you to be able to make a permanent mark on metal terrifies and oddly intrigues you -- what more can you do? Surely the small bit of blood on Suyeon’s that infected your bloodstream carries some kind of weird mutation causing you to be this way -- you hope you get answers soon because all this uncertainty is driving you insane.

“Get a good sleep, Y/N?” Sunghoon asks, sitting down in front of you.

“Yeah. You?”

Sunghoon hums. “The best I could get.” There’s a lull in the conversation. You immediately think back to earlier in the recording booth -- you were so sure Sunghoon was going to confess, or something because the way he was looking at you, and the way he was phrasing his words, made you believe. It made you find hope in this bleak apocalypse. “How are you feeling?”

You give Sunghoon a deadpan look. “This question? Again?”

Sunghoon shrugs. “I think it’s warranted in a situation like this.”

You smile softly. “Yeah. I suppose. And I’m feeling a bit nervous because we don’t know what’s out there. I hope Jaeyun’s right. I hope this plan works. I hope --” you sigh heavily, your chin resting on your knee.

Sunghoon reaches forward and takes your hand into his. “We’ll make it, Y/N.”

“Okay,” Jungwon and Sunoo step out of the recording booth. “Who is first?”

“Y/N,” Sunghoon says loudly, “ladies first. People who need to shit go last.”

“Riki, you’re going last then!”

“Shut the fuck up Sunoo.”

It took quite a while for all seven boys to use the toilet. After numerous rock-paper-scissor games and fights, Heeseung left the recording booth with the nastiest look on his face. “When we make it to a safety zone you all better sleep with one eye open.”

“Even me?” You ask, pouting.

“They’ll call me Misogynist Heeseung.”

“Alright, Misogynist Heeseung, do the honors,” Jaeyun gestures to the booth, “go back in there and turn on the music.”

Heeseung hisses at Jaeyun and turns on his heel, taking a deep breath before entering the recording booth once more and turning on the classical music you’d found in one of the dented lockers. With the first note of Four Seasons playing, the school speakers become a target for the Zombies limping through the school grounds.

You, along with the others, watch out the window in awe. Jaeyun was right, Zombies are attracted to sound.

“It’s showtime,” Jongseong rolls his shoulders back and rolls his sleeves up. “I will do anything to make it to the room of treasures even if it means leaving you weaklings behind.”

It’s silent. Overwhelmingly silent.

“Sorry. I don’t know why I said that.”

“Yeah,” Riki hums, “we all know you’d be the first to die.”

“We’re running out of time, let’s go already,” groans Sunoo heading over to the door. “I’m opening up this damn door and running all the way to the debate room. I am about to eat Y/N/’s hair.”

You touch your hair, frowning. “Why my hair? Why not Jaeyun’s?”

Sunoo shrugs. “First name that came to mind was yours. Okay, opening the door in 3. . 2. . 1 --”

“-- WAIT --”

Sunoo wrenches open the door.

Nothing happens.

There’s a pause in the music. And then it starts all over again.

The look Sunoo gives the rest of the group is one of pure jubilation. “Last one to the debate room is Zombie bait for our next mission!” And then he’s flying out the door, Jaeyun and Jongseong shouting after him.

“Do they think the music will drown out the noise they’re making?” Jungwon asks with a shake of his head. “Stupid. Idiots. All of them are.” He steps out the door, Heeseung following behind. Sunghoon reaches for your hand and smiles down at you. Behind you, Riki groans, “keep the heart eyes to a minimum around me, please.”

“Let’s go, Y/N.”

Stepping out, you stare around you in amazement. Zombies are desperately trying to reach for the speaker, climbing and standing on top of each other to try and satiate their hunger. At the end of the hallway stood the rest of the ground. Jaeyun was holding Sunoo by his collar.

“We have to climb up two flights of stairs,” Jungwon explains quietly, but loud enough for you to all hear over the music. “Be aware of your surroundings. There might be a few Zombies who haven’t gone towards the speakers.” With one final shared look, you begin your long ascent to the room full of food and water.

You were nearing the end. Sunghoon’s hand was tightly gripping yours and you could see your final destination in sight. You realized you truly had nothing to worry about because Jaeyun’s plan was foolproof --

And then you’re being yanked back by your hair.

With a loud shriek, you go flying backward, your hand losing Sunghoon’s. Pain explodes as you land on your back harshly. Standing above you with their hand still curled in your hair is Joon. The boy from the nurse’s office. His face is bloody and there’s a long cut down the middle of his face, the sight of it makes you retch. His eyes are the darkest black you’ve ever seen.

“Sunghoon!” You cry out, desperate to get away. Your stomach churns and you wonder why Joon specifically targeted you, and how Joon was still a functioning human. Reaching up, you try to pry Joon’s hands away from your hair, but he was too strong.

Snarling, the older boy yanks your head back harder, a harsh pulsing pain beats rapidly against your skull. Is this how you die?

“Joon?” Jake sounds astonished. “You’re alive?”

You had no clue what was going on. Fear creeps into your bloodline and sets your heart alight. You struggle in Joon’s grasp and cry out, a sob wrenching itself free from your throat. Maybe you didn’t want to die. Maybe you wanted to survive because there was still some hope deep within you that everything will be okay if you make it out of this alive. (Maybe you were feeling this hope because of Park Sunghoon.)

“Of course I’m alive, idiot,” sneers Joon, his hand tightening in your hair. “Why would they kill patient zero?”

You reach up and claw at Joon’s arm, your nails snagging his skin, cutting the boy open and he begins to bleed. “You’re such a bitch, Y/N,” Joon growls, his other hand wrapping around your neck and dragging you up from the ground, your breath hitching as you struggle to breathe.

“Let Y/N go, Joon,” Sunghoon demands, his eyes only focused on you. You feel pathetic, you’re unable to do anything -- you can’t even breathe. Maybe it would’ve been better if they left you in the broadcasting room.

“Why should I let her go?” Joon’s voice was close to your ear. You could practically taste the black blood spilling out of his mouth and onto your clothed shoulder. “She’s just like me. She’s another Zombie and you’re willingly keeping her in your group?”

“Zombie or not, let go of Y/N,” Sunghoon says, his voice low, and his eyes finally looking at Joon. He steps forward and then takes another step, and another, and another -- and then Joon snarls. It’s not loud enough to be heard over the music pouring out of the speakers, and yet, all the Zombies turn and focus their deadly black eyes on the group of seven boys, with Sunghoon in the front.

Terror floods your veins and you struggle in Joon’s grasp. You couldn’t let more people fall victim to Zombies because of you. With all eyes focused on the seven boys, a chill creeps up your spine. “One move,” Joon begins, his voice threateningly low, “and you’ll join them.”

Joon lets go of you and you instantly gasp for air, your chest heaving in delight. “You don’t believe me, do you?” Joon says, a hand reaching out to grip the back of your blouse. “Y/N’s a Zombie. The moment Suyeon’s blood entered her bloodstream, Y/N began to turn.”

“We locked her in the recording booth for a night,” Jungwon says, his eyes carefully passing over every Zombie looking at them with hungry black eyes, “nothing happened. Nothing changed.”

Joon laughs. It’s loud, but the Zombies don’t move. “But something did happen, didn’t it, Y/N?” He yanks you back towards him and you shriek, desperation filling your veins again. “What happened, Y/N?” His fingers curl through your hair, brushing it away from your face gently.

“I -- I pushed Sunghoon.” You struggle to speak, fear hindering your every move, and every word. “And he dented the lockers in the broadcasting room.”

Joon hums. “That’s an oddly inhumane amount of strength, don’t you think?”

“Please let me go,” you beg.

“Do you believe me now?” Joon asks, ignoring your begging.

“Y/N’s not a zombie,” Sunghoon says, and it sounds like he truly believes it.

“Sunghoon,” you whisper, crestfallen.

“Fine, I’ll make you believe.” Without warning, Joon’s hands settle on your chest and rip your blouse apart, your eyes widen and immediately your arms come up to cover your bare torso. One hand wraps around your neck while the other produces a knife. It’s one from the kitchen in the cafeteria and you’re paralyzed by fear.

“Watch me,” Joon growls, “or I’ll kill Y/N.”

Seven sets of eyes settle on your bare body and if this was any other circumstance you would blush. You look at Sunghoon again and it’s hard to make out what he’s feeling as he stares back at you. You want to say something to him, you want to comfort him, you want to tell him to run and leave you here, but you don’t. You feel the cool touch of a blade against your abdomen, settled just beneath your bra, and then you’re being cut open, the blade digging into your skin and you cry out.

A long line is cut into your abdomen and blood flows out of the cut. It’s dark red and it matches the blood already on your hands. You collapse to the ground once Joon lets go of you and you continue to cry, the pain overwhelming. You push your hands against the wound to stop the bleeding but to no avail.

You were dying and no one was helping you. It was a picture-perfect scenario because you did nothing to help Seeun. “I’m sorry,” you whisper to the ground. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” And then, little by little, the pain lessens. Little by little, you stop bleeding. Little by little, the cut on your abdomen heals itself.

Grabbing you roughly by the hair, Joon forces you up and your hands away from your now-healed cut. “Do you believe me now?”

You look over at Sunghoon. His eyes are wide and his mouth is slightly ajar. You don’t dare look at anyone else. For the final time, Joon lets go of you and you collapse back onto the ground. Your head pounds and your upper body feels overwhelmingly hot. “I’ll be back,” Joon warns. “This is only a warning.” He snarls again, and every Zombie in the hallway trails after him, their black beady eyes never leaving the group of seven boys.

“Y/N,” Sunghoon says, darting forward. He rushes to your side, crouching down in front of you and reaching out. You quickly back away, tears pouring down your cheeks as you keep your head down and arms wrapped around yourself.

“Leave me alone Sunghoon,” you say, your voice thick with tears. “I’m a Zombie, don’t you understand?”

“Y/N, look at me,” Sunghoon says softly, he takes off his blazer and covers you with it. “Zombie or not I still want you with me.” Hesitatingly, he reaches out to brush strands of hair behind your ear. He then cups your cheek and his thumb brushes your cheek. “Come on, Y/N, I bet you’re hungry.”

“Yeah, for brains,” you mutter under your breath, angry at the world. Looking back up, you see Sunghoon smiling. “Why are you looking at me like that?” You feel shy beneath Sunghoon’s gaze.

“I’m sure that can be arranged,” Sunghoon answers, “Jongeong’s brain can be the first to get eaten.”

—-

You reach the classroom that holds all of the debate club’s food and water for the trip they were supposed to take today. Your eyes stare at the food stacked up, and the water lying on the ground. You felt like you were in heaven.

Jaeyun’s the first to move. He darts forward, swipes the Home Run Balls, and the rest follow, squabbling over who gets what. Sunghoon nudges you. “What do you want, Y/N?”

“I don’t know,” you answer, hugging Sunghoon’s blazer tighter around you

Sunghoon smiles and steps into the cupboard. A few seconds later he reappears with a chocolate bar and water. “Here, you’ll probably need a lot of water after what happened, Y/N. And chocolate just because everyone loves chocolate.” After handing you the water and chocolate bar, Sunghoon takes some snacks for himself and leads you over to some chairs.

You both eat silently, letting the loud yet quiet voices of the others fill up the silence. You didn’t know what to say -- what were you supposed to say after a situation like that? You feel Sunghoon’s shoulder brush your’s and you instantly become aware of how close he is.

“Sunghoon?” You ask hesitantly.

Sunghoon glances over at you, humming slightly. His stare pins you to your seat. He still looks beautiful, you think to yourself, like a star. He still looks like he was hand crafted from heaven above, and he still looks so out of your league. No matter the time, no matter the place, no matter the situation, the answer will always be the same; Sunghoon will never be yours. He’s destined for things bigger than your small village, and he’s destined for someone better than you. And yet --

And yet he’s sitting next to you.

And yet his school-issued blazer is wrapped around your body.

(You remember bringing Park Sunghoon up to your mother one night. She laughs and shakes her head, finishing dishing the takeaway chicken she bought after work onto your plate. “Park Sunghoon, that boy is destined to be a star, Y/N.”

He’s out of your league is unsaid. You’re no good for him is unsaid.

“There’s no point loving someone like that, Y/N,” your mother warns gently. “He’s a star. And you know how bright they shine.”)

If this is how a star shines, you think, eyes trailing over Sunghoon, then I want him in every way possible.

“Thank you,” you say, smiling slightly.

“For what?”

You shrug and glance away from Sunghoon.

“Ah,” Sunghoon can read between the lines. He reaches for your hand and squeezes. “I’d do it again, Y/N.”

“Sunghoon?” You turn back to him. “You’d do what again?”

Sunghoon’s ears burn red. “Don’t make me say it, Y/N.”

You grip Sunghoon’s hand tightly. You don’t want to let this moment slip away like last time in the darkness of the broadcasting club’s recording booth. “Sunghoon,” you say, your eyes hold the unspoken desperation.

There’s a scrape of a chair being pushed back, and then Jongseong’s voice echoes through the room. No, you think, no, no no, this can’t be happening.

The moment is over. Sunghoon’s hand falls from your grip and you watch him slip away from you for the second time. You reach after him, but you capture nothingness.

“We need a phone,” Jongseong says, “and we need it now.”

The music flowing through the speakers shut off. An unsettling chill lingers in the room and everyone’s thinking the same thing; Joon. “We need a phone,” Jongseong repeats, “any ideas?”

Looks are shared and nothing is said. Jongseong groans, “come on. Give me something to work with here!”

“My phone,” Riki says, “it’s in Mrs. Jang’s room.”

Jaeyun snorts in amusement. “Now how did that happen, Riki?”

Riki scowls. “Apparently learning English is more important than Alice in Borderland.”

“Okay, and how far away is Mrs. Jang’s room?” Jongseong asks, looking slightly more alive ever since Riki’s announcement.

“Since we’re in the debate club’s meeting room,” Sunoo thinks aloud, “the floor beneath us.”

Jongseong looks at Riki and scowls. “And you didn’t let us know any sooner? We literally walked past her room on the way here, Riki! And Joon is probably there waiting for us!”

“No one asked,” Riki answered, “so I didn’t provide.”

“You’re going to be the reason for my death, mark my words.” Jongseong’s eyes fall on you and you feel uncomfortable. “Y/N. Joon can somehow command the Zombies to do whatever he wants, can’t you do that? Y’know, considering you’re like, half Zombie-half human or some shit like that.”

It’s a weird silence you sit in after Jongseong’s remark. “I mean. . It’s cool if you can’t though,” Jongseong chuckles awkwardly. You find you quite like this situation; Jongseong awkward beneath your bland stare, it’s a situation that should happen more often.

“Speaking of,” Heeseung pipes up, “shouldn’t we talk about what happened back there?”

“What is there to speak about?” Jungwon asks, “Y/N is a Zombie. But she’s also a human.”

“Clearly,” Heeseung responds, “we should also find Y/N a shirt, but what about Joon? How he came to be. . . That, is unknown and what he said? ‘Patient zero’? Isn’t that at least a little bit concerning?”

“Obviously Joon and Suyeon were some experiment,” Sunoo says, “gone wrong. And now everyone is paying the consequence.”

“Someone was probably trying to make a superhuman,” Jaeyun jokes, his eyes sparkling, “Y/N and Joon have enhanced strength, which is super cool, and Y/N even has enhanced healing! I would suspect Joon does too, but from his appearance. . I don’t think so.”

“Superhuman,” Jongseong mutters under his breath like it was the missing piece to a puzzle.

“Boring. Let’s talk about this later,” Riki says suddenly, “it’s getting dark. Who volunteers as tribute to go and grab my phone? It has a pink sparky case and a small little Yuuji sticker on it. From Jujutsu Kaisen. I say let Y/N go. She can self-heal and can push people off her and into lockers.” Riki winces after being on the receiving end of many glares. “Too soon for jokes?”

“It’s okay, Riki,” you wave him off, too tired to involve yourself into this conversation. “Wake me up when you make your decision, I’m feeling sleepy.”

“Right, of course,” Jaeyun hums, “obviously there are side effects. You can sleep, Y/N, we’ll make sure nothing disturbs you!”

You smile at Jaeyun, thankful.

——

When you come to, it’s pitch black. The only light source is a yellow-tinged light shining on Jungwon and Sunoo who are seated together and whispering to each other. The light is sourced from a flashlight, how they acquired said flashlight is unknown.

Sunoo catches your movements and beckons you over. You shuffle over to the two boy and carefully take a seat beside Sunoo, scared to wake up the sleeping bodies lying around the room. “Sleep well? Feeling any better, Y/N?” Sunoo’s words are kind, and his gaze is kinder.

“It was a good sleep. I’m feeling much more energized.”

“That’s good,” Jungwon says, “because Sunghoon’s the one who went to search for the phone.”

You stop breathing. “What?”

“He left an hour ago and he’s not back,” Jungwon informs you, the yellow-tinged light shining on Jungwon’s face makes the boy look older than he actually is. “Heeseung always says to not think of the worst, but I’m thinking of the worst right now.”

Images of Sunghoon lying on the ground in a puddle of his own blood flash through your mind. Images of Sunghoon as a Zombie flash through your mind. Images of Sunghoon with Joon’s hands wrapped around him flash through your mind. You can’t let Sunghoon slip through your grasp for the third and final time. You need Sunghoon safe and you’ve never needed anything this desperately before.

“I’ll go find him,” you say to Jungwon, your words oddly sounding like a goodbye. And a promise.

“Y/N --” Sunoo starts.

“Sunoo,” you cut him off. “Let me do this. Let me not feel like a burden for once.”

“Okay,” Sunoo whispers, “okay.”

You rise to your feet and pad over to the door. “Y/N,” Sunoo hisses through the dark, “be safe.”

You want to laugh at Sunoo’s words. Your palm touches the cool handle of the door and you gently slide it open, cold air from the hallway rushing into the room behind you. You begin to feel uneasy and goosebumps spread across your skin as you step out of the warm classroom and into the unknown. The last thing you see as you shut the classroom door is Jongseong staring at you.

You don’t know what to expect as you slowly walk down the dark hallway that’s only illuminated by the night sky. The moon and the stars hang above you, unintentionally guiding you to where Park Sunghoon lay. Keeping your hands pressed close to your chest and your eyes focused on your surroundings, you do your best to not bring attention to yourself by any means -- one noise and it’s all over for you. You wander down a familiar hallway that has become unfamiliar and you truly begin to question how this all happened; how easily your hometown succumbed to a Zombie apocalypse.

A loud bang shakes you out of your thoughts. It came from inside the classroom next to you and terror floods your senses. You hold your hands tighter against your chest and try to even out your breathing. There’s another bang and you quickly stride past the classroom, making your footfalls as quiet as possible.

Everything felt so off; not a single Zombie roaming down the hallway you were in, not a single Zombie chasing you down -- you were expecting the worst would come when you find Sunghoon. Your heart races at the thought of something bad happening to Sunghoon. You don’t want anything bad to happen to Sunghoon, he’s the only good thing you have left in your life right now.

You pad down the steps and enter the hallway Riki’s phone was supposed to be on. Here, you finally see the Zombies you were looking for. A sudden cold chill lays itself over your skin as you dare to enter the hallway crowded with Zombies.

Even though you know you shouldn’t, you hold your breath as you maneuver around the Zombies in complete silence. Sometimes, they let out random groans and it frightens you, but you keep your terrified shrieks contained within you. One single noise and you’re a goner.

You reach Ms. Jang’s office and a Zombie is blocking the door. Inhaling quietly, you step around the Zombie and reach for the cold silver doorknob. As you twist the doorknob it makes a shrill sound and you halt, not daring to move another inch. The Zombie right next to you lets out a groan and steps closer to you, their arm brushing yours and suddenly they’re latching onto your arm.

You can’t help it and cry out, ripping yourself out of the Zombie’s grasp and throwing yourself at the door. Growls fill the air and the Zombie in front of you begins to sniff, seeking out a smell. You could smell the death on the Zombie and begin to pray that this isn’t how your life ends -- you don’t want to be a Zombie because what happens then? You become Zombie and then what? Where does your soul go? Your conscious?

A tear trails down your cheek and the Zombie is stepping away, wandering back down the hallway and leaving you pressing up against the door, your hand curled around the doorknob. Without hesitation, you open the door and jump inside, letting the door shut gently behind you.

The first thing you see is Park Sunghoon lying on the ground, unresponsive -- but breathing. Immediately, you drop to your knees and shake the boy, “Sunghoon,” you whisper, not liking the odds of this situation. There’s a cut on his temple that’s bleeding. “Fuck sake. Sunghoon!” Your shaking gets more aggressive as each second passes and Sunghoon doesn’t shoot up, gasping for breath.

Desperate times call for desperate measures so you slap Sunghoon. You weren’t sure what you were expecting to get out of this action, but it certainly wakes Sunghoon up. His eyes fly open and his hand comes up to clutch his cheek. Scrambling to sit up, Sunghoon looks at you with wide eyes. “Did you just slap me?”

“What? Was I supposed to kiss you awake?”

It’s silent for a moment. “I mean. I wouldn’t have been opposed to a kiss, Y/N.”

You glare at Sunghoon and slap his bicep. “You are such an idiot! Why were you unconscious? And why are you bleeding? Sunghoon, what happened? We were -- I was worried.”

“Y/N, you -- you were worried?” Sunghoon asks, a little breathless.

You scowl and slap Sunghoon’s bicep again. “Are you even listening to me? What happened?”

“I got scared and fell over, hitting my head on the way down,” Sunghoon explains sheepishly. “I did dream of you saving me though, Y/N.”

“Dork. You’re a fucking clumsy dork, did you know that, Sunghoon?”

“A dork for you,” grins Sunghoon and you push him away, falling onto your bum and feeling hot, taken aback from Sunghoon’s sudden flirty nature.

“Consider us even, then,” you say, “you saved me and now I’m here to save you.”

Sunghoon’s smile is soft, a small dimple peeking in the curve of his cheek. “I have Riki’s phone, though, you ready to go?”

“What about your temple?” You gesture to Sunghoon’s head, “you’re bleeding, Sunghoon.”

“Don’t worry, Y/N, we’ll patch it up later. I don’t know about you, but I still feel uneasy being by ourselves and separated from the group. It’s better we get back quickly before Joon sniffs us out.”

You hum and stand up, holding out your hand for Sunghoon to take. His hand is warm in yours and you ignore the gentle squeeze he gives your hand as you pull open the door slowly. “Remember, be quiet,” you whisper to Sunghoon.

“Of course, Y/N.”

You both step out into the darkness.

The sight that awaits you both is unexpected. Suyeon’s body is sprawled out in the middle of the hallway, her eyes falling out of their sockets and her head smashed in. You immediately avert your eyes as your stomach lurches.

“Oh shit,” Sunghoon hisses, “her throat was slit. Gross. Do you think it was Joon who did this?” Sunghoon’s question is answered soon enough as Ahn Yujin steps out of the shadows, her black hair falling across her shoulders angellically, and bloody covering her hands and splattered across her face. In one of her bloodied hands, she holds a knife. “Oh shit,” Sunghoon repeats, but this time more terrified.

No words are spoken as Yujin charges towards you and as you push Sunghoon away. You weren’t going to let someone else die because of you. You willingly let Yujin’s knife enter your body as she flings her body into yours. You crash into a wall behind you and you hiss in pain, which turns into a bloody cough.

“Y/N!” Sunghoon calls out, but you ignore him.

“Yujin,” you croak, seeing humanity left in her eyes, “Yujin. Don’t do this.” You already know the stab wound is futile, you could feel your wound healing around the knife still stuck in your body. It’s a weird sensation, one you can’t describe.

Yujin twists the knife and you cry out, your hand reaching for Yujin’s hair you tug hard, momentarily taking the girl off guard. You push her away and rip the knife out of your stomach, blood splattering the ground and you hear Sunghoon gasp.

Yujin growls and charges again. You muster up all the strength you have and backhand her, flinging Yujin into the wall. There’s a loud crack and Yujin slumps to the ground, blood trailing down the wall to her slumped figure, her head hanging.

You reach for Sunghoon’s hand again. “Let’s go.” Sunghoon doesn’t hesitate and you both fly down the hallway, not caring if you were loud enough for the Zombies to find you.

—-

To stay the other’s were surprised that you didn’t come back with just Sunghoon and Riki’s phone would be an understatement. The bloodied knife was handed off to Heeseung, and Jungwon had simply sighed, shaking his head. “We really need to get you a new top, Y/N,” Jongseong says, “maybe like a whole pack because you like ruining clothes, don’t you?”

“It’s not like I chose to be stabbed,” you huff bitterly.

In the midst of all of this, Riki falls to his knees and cries out. Instantly, you all fear the worst. “What? What happened, Riki?” Jaeyun asks, his eyes wide and his hand coming to pet Riki’s head. “Is everything okay?”

“My Yuuji sticker!” Riki cries, “it’s not here!”

Sunoo mimics strangling the boy with wild gestures and Sunghoon snorts. “That sucks, but we got a phone for a reason. Don’t let me going unconscious for a few minutes and Y/N getting stabbed by some psycho girl to all go to vain.”

“It wasn’t a few minutes, Sunghoon!” You exclaim, whacking the boy again, “it was an hour!”

“It felt like minutes to me,” Sunghoon shrugs, “though I would love to wake up to your face more often.” The silence that follows after that declaration is awkward.

“Right,” Jungwon says, ripping Riki’s phone out of the crying boy’s hands. “Let’s see what the internet is saying, shall well?” A few seconds later Jungwon is groaning, “why is everything in Japanese? Jongseong? A little help?”

“But it’s Riki’s --” Jongseong cuts himself off as he looks at the unresponsive, crying boy curled up on the ground and Jaeyun hovering beside him awkwardly. “Right.”

“Well?” Sunoo says after a few seconds of silence, “what does it say?”

“It’s loading, Sunoo, patience,” Jongseong snaps, glaring at the younger.

“Old people are so slow,” Sunoo moans.

“You brat --”

“Translate for us, Jongseong,” Jungwon cuts off the older boy, thrusting the phone into his grasp.

Jongseong’s eyes trail over the phone screen in front of him. “Well, the electricity and power and phone service is getting cut off in twenty-one hours.” A heavy silence settles over the group, “so, that means we’ll have no contact to the outside world in twenty-one hours.”

“Well that fucking sucks,” Sunghoon mumbles from next to you.

“Hurry up then, Jongseong,” Sunoo rushes, “see who is still alive. And where the nearest quarantine zone is. I want to get out of here and see my family!”

“Alright, alright,” Jongseong sighs, “get comfortable, it’s going to be a long night. Did you happen to bring a charger with you, Sunghoon? Y/N?”

The two of you share a look. “Uh. . We were supposed to?” Sunghoon replies.

“Airhead. We have two fucking airheads in this group,” Jongseong grumbles and Jungwon comforts him with a look of amusement.

Ignoring Jongseong, you take Sunghoon’s hand into yours again. “Let’s get you patch up, dork, where’s the first aid kit again, Heeseung?” After Heeseung points you in the direction of the first aid kit, and you settle onto the floor a bit away from the group with Sunghoon, you get to work on cleaning up the cut to Sunghoon’s temple.

“How clumsy are you, Sunghoon?” You mutter, slightly amused. “How were you able to hit your head that hard?”

“I get scared easily!” Sunghoon defends himself, pouting slightly. “You would too! Being all alone, surrounded by Zombies and with the threat of a murdererous weird Zombie-person running around hanging over your head!”

You snort and shake your head, tilting Sunghoon’s head to the side slightly. “But,” Sunghoon continues, his voice more softer. “Thank you. For saving me. Twice. The slap wasn’t nice, though.”

“I was desperate, okay,” You say, scowling, “and worried. And concerned -- you weren’t waking up, Sunghoon.”

“I know. And I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize Sunghoon. This might hurt.”

Sunghoon hisses and you send him a smile in apology. “You care about me, Y/N?”

“Of course I do,” you mutter, “you are all I have left. And the others.”

“But mostly me?” Sunghoon smiles a cheeky smile and you scowl, purposefully pushing down on his cut harder.

“Don’t push it, Park.”

Sunghoon reaches up and pinches your waist, making your yelp in surprise. “Sunghoon! I’m cleaning your wound! Don’t make me make it worse on purpose!”

Sunghoon laughs. It’s the laugh you’ve been dying to hear ever since you were fourteen. His smile is wide across his and his eyes crinkle up. He really shines like a star in moments like these. You can’t help but smile, it’s all soft and fond, and love is what makes your smile curve wider. He’s a star that’s shining for you.

“I like it when you laugh, Sunghoon,” you blurt.

Sunghoon holds eye contact with you for what feels like the longest time. “I like it when you smile, Y/N. And I like it when you get so focused your tongue pokes out of your mouth. And I like it when you blow your hair out of your face. And I like your eyes, especially when you’re laughing and I -- I just like you, Y/N.” Hesitancy spreads across Sunghoon’s face and he averts his eyes, cheeks turning a soft red. “I know this is all sudden but -- but you’re not a burden, Y/N, and I hope you don’t think of yourself as one. I care about you, Y/N, and I want you with me, Y/N, that what I wanted to say that night in the recording booth. If I didn’t want you with me, then I wouldn’t have pulled you away when I did.”

The cold, jarring truth strikes you. Sunghoon could’ve left you to die, but he didn’t.

“I want you with me, Y/N, all the time,” Sunghoon admits, more certain of himself now. “So, thank you. For saving me. For patching me up. For being with me.”

“How could I not?” You respond, shaking your head and laughing breathlessly, “you’re all I think about.”

“Y/N --”

“I wasn’t joking when I said you were all I had left. Seeun’s a Zombie and my mother probably is too.” Your voice quivers and you sniff, Sunghoon’s stare getting too intimate for you, so you glance at a spot over his shoulder. “Please don’t leave me either, because I don’t plan on leaving you.”

“Y/N,” Sunghoon whispers, “why would I ever leave you?”

That’s all it takes for you to dissolve into a sea of tears. Sunghoon wraps you up into his arms and holds you close to his chest, his hand gliding through your hair, over the nape of your neck, and down your back.

“Y/N,” Sunghoon cups your chin and tilts your head up, wiping your tears away, his eyes soothe you. “I know this might be a bad time, but there’s nothing better than the present. Can I kiss you? I’ve always wanted to kiss you, did you know that?”

Your heart skips a beat. All the air is knocked out of your lungs. Sunghoon is a star. He’s unbelievable. He makes wishes ceom true. “Sunghoon,” you whisper, “you don’t even have to ask.”

Sunghoon kisses you and the world explodes. His lips are warm. Everything about Sunghoon is warm. He makes you feel warm. He makes you feel special. Sunghoon makes you feel less alone. Sunghoon settles you onto his lap, an arm slipping around your waist while the other cradles the back of your head. He keeps you close to his chest as your mouths move.

Maybe suriving the apocalypse is worth it since it brought you to the exact moment; Sunghoon kissing you.

“Wait,” Sunghoon’s pulling away, sounding breathless, “you like me too, right?”

You giggle. “I like you too, dork,” and you pull him back in for a kiss.

—-

Having a phone works wonders. Jongseong finds out where the nearest quarantine zone is, and he finds out that the apocalypse has spread throughout your small province. Jongseong also found out damning news; in forty eight hours, the school and everything around it would be blown up by bombs dropped from the skies above.

“We need to move quickly,” Jungwon addresses the group. “Today, we need to leave the school and get to the forest. From there, we’ll hopefully have some cover, and be able to reach the zone a couple hours before the bombs are expected to drop, but we have to move quickly.”

“I will move the quickest out of anyone in the group,” Sunoo proclaims confidently. “I want to get out of this hell hole.”

So with the first rays of sunlight peeking through, you and the seven boys move out of the classroom, a backpack strapped to Heeseung and Jungwon’s backs full of enough food and water to make the eight of you last the two day journey.

“At the first sign of Joon, just run,” Heeseung tells the group gravely, “we don’t have time to engage with him. He’ll be blown up shortly anyway.”

As you pass through the hallway where you were stabbed by Yujin, your hand in Sunghoon’s warm embrace, you find her body missing. You share a glance with Sunghoon but neither of you point it out the rest of the group, not wanting to unsettle the happy mood everyone was in today.

Today was full of luck. Everyone was silent and you were all able to easily slip past Zombies. The knife you hold in your free hand didn’t need to be used. Your new t-shirt was bright white and clear of blood. It made you feel good, feeling slightly clean.

You reach the school gym in no time, finding it clear of all Zombies. There, you decide to take a rest, and Jungwon decides to call Kang Taehyun. The dialing tone rings throughout the gym and it’s picked up seconds before the last dial tone rings.

“Riki?” Taehyun asks in disbelief.

“Taehyun,” Jungwon cries out, tears welling in his eyes. “You’re okay.”

“Won,” Taehyun repeats, still in disbelief. “You’re okay? Oh my god, what about the other’s --” a loud clamor takes over Taehyun’s side of the phone. You hear the familiar voices of Yeonjun, and Soobin, and Beomgyu, and Kai. The boys on Jungwon’s side of the phone all crowd around the phone and everything is a mess. (A happy mess, you think.)

After the phone call ends with promises of seeing enach other soon, Jungwon looks over at you. “Y/N? Do you have anyone to call?”

You smile and shake your head. “I have no one, Jungwon.”

“Oh, sorry I asked,” Jungwon seems a little embarrassed and you laugh him off with a wave of your hand.

“It’s okay. Thank you for asking, though.”

“You have us, Y/N,” Sunoo says with a smile. “You’ll always have us, now. Our bond is thicker than blood!”

You laugh, “thank you, Sunoo. I’m glad I have you.”

—-

It rains that night. It pours, but Jungwon doesn’t let up. Loud thunder booms through the sky and the lightning lights up the darkness. You continue to creep around the Zombies in silence, the storm masking any loud noise you make. The storm was a blessing in disguise.

You had entered the forest a few hours ago but none of you had wanted to stop, especially as it began to rain. You all wanted to reach the quarantine zone desperately, already tired from all the running and surviving you had been doing.

Sunghoon squeezes your hand. “Are you doing okay, Y/N?” His voice was close to your ear.

You squeeze back. “Yeah!” You shout over the storm, and that’s when you somehow catch a glimpse of it. A white ribbon. Your breathe stutters and you stumble over, Sunghoon keeping you upright. “Seeun,” you breathe. She moves carelessly through the forest, stumbling over like many of the Zombies you had seen do before. You face the truth you had subconsciously been denying this whole time; Seeun’s a Zombie.

Slipping out of Sunghoon’s grasp and ignoring everyone’s loud calls, you walk over to Seeun. You need to see her one last time. You need to say your apologies one last time, and if you die trying, then so be it. You reach within an arms length distance of Seeun and watch her stumble about quietly. “I’m sorry,” you shout over the storm. “I’m sorry, Seeun.”

She turns towards you and snarls, stumbling forward and stopping in front of you. She copies the movements of the Zombie who you stood face-to-face with in front of Ms. Jang’s office. She sniffs the surrounding area of your body, and then turns away. She lets you live, like that other Zombie did.

Turning back around, your eyes meet Sunghoon’s and the sympathy he holds make tears slip down your cheeks. No one says anything when you return to the group and stick yourself to Sunghoon’s side.

The further you all went into the city you grew up in, the further reality sinks in. Zombies fill every nook and cranny, and the loneliness of the city makes your skin crawl. You all push on, and your eventually have to begin to hide and use your knife as the Zombies become more ruthless and pick up on every small sound.

You grow tired, but you still push on. With Sunghoon beside you, holding you and keeping you safe every step of the way provides you with the strength and energy to push on.

“Would you believe me if I said I was looking for you that day, Y/N?” Sunghoon asks during one of your short breaks, his finger twirling your hair.

“I don’t know. Were you?” You respond, smiling.

“Well. I was looking for any sign of an adult, and also for weapons, but when I saw you, Y/N, all I thought about was keeping you alive and safe.”

You melt against Sunghoon, your head resting on his shoulder. “I like you a lot, Sunghoon,” you whisper, “and maybe if we weren’t in a situation like this, we could be going on a date right now.”

“What kind of date?” Sunghoon asks, oddly interested.

“We’d go ice skating,” you say, “because you’re good at ice skating and I’m shit. You would help me skate, and we’d hold hands, and then we’d go eat something warm and spicy. You’ll make me laugh, and I’ll make you laugh, then you’ll take me home and kiss me goodnight.”

Sunghoon kisses you temple. He doesn’t say anything and you just bask in the silence and the warmth of Sunghoon. “That’s if either of us confessed,” Sunghoon says, “because I don’t think I would’ve ever confessed.”

“Me either,” you admit. “You felt so out of my league, and I never had your attention, so the thought of confessing frightened me.”

Sunghoon laughs and you peer up at him, perplexed. “What’s so funny?”

“You always had my attention, Y/N,” Sunghoon says, and he kisses you.

—-

You reach the quarantine zone and you’re met with guns pointed at you. With your hands raised, you all shuffle into a line and are being tested with a thermometer device. It’s raining again and you shiver, missing the warmth of Sunghoon’s hand holding yours.

“What are you doing?” Jongseong asks the soldier.

“A colder temperature means you’re a Zombie,” the soldier informs Jongseong.

“But what if someone is sick?” Jongseong asks, “then what if you’re leaving someone out to die?”

The soldier smiles, but it isn’t a nice smile. “Would you like me to show you what happens when this thing identifies a Zombie, and then what we do after?”

Jongseong’s immediately shaking his head.

Sunghoon’s herded into the zone before you, and the smile he sends you is a sweet one. It calms you down as only thoughts of Joon’s words fill your head. You hope you’re able to pass this test. You hope you’re able to live a relatively normal with Sunghoon by your side.

But, luck runs out at some point.

A high pitched squealng sound emits from the thermometer device and the world shifts and everything happens at once.

“She’s a Zombie!” The soldier yells, raising his gun and pointing it at you.

“Y/N!” Sunghoon shouts, running to you, his arms wrapping you up as more soldiers swarm the area. “Y/N, everything will be okay, the device probably made a mistake, they just need to do it again --”

“Sunghoon.” You cut him off.

“No,” he says, “I can’t lose you, Y/N, you said you wouldn’t leave me.”

“I don’t want to leave you, Sunghoon,” you admit, “but I have to.”

“How are you so calm about this?” Sunghoon asks, his voice low, “I feel so desperate, Y/N, I feel desperate enough to kill --”

“I was expecting the worst, Hoon.”

Sunghoon stares at you. There are so many emotions flooding his face, your stomach churns. Suddenly, he’s ripped away from you and he struggles, calling out your name. “Y/N! I love you! I love you, and I’d save you again. I’d save you again and again if I had the choice.”

You did your best to keep your tears at bay. You couldn’t have them falling over now. You couldn’t cry. You had to remain strong, even with a gun pointed at your head.

Sunghoon breaks free from the soldier’s grasp and flings himself into your embrace again, clutching you close.

The rain falls harder, soaking you both to the bone.

“Y/N, I love you,” he kisses you so passionately and desperately it makes your heart break. “And I’ll come for you. I’ll find you, Y/N, I promise. I promise that once I find you, I’ll take you ice skating and catch you every time you fall.”

“Of course you will,” you laugh as the tears begin to fall. “You’ll always catch me, no matter what, Hoon.”

“And we’ll be the happiest people on earth, Y/N.”

“Of course we will, Hoon,” you say softly, cupping Sunghoon’s face, “you will always make me the happiest.”

Sunghoon’s ripped away from you and you instantly shiver, the cold overwhelming you. “I’ll find you, Y/N!” Sunghoon shouts, his words tearing your heart apart. “I promise I will!”

You watch as Sunghoon and the rest of the six boys are pulled away from view. You refuse to look at the others because it’ll only break your heart more.

A gun is pointed at your head.

You close your eyes.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper to whoever is listening. “Please forgive me.”

author’s note, well that was wild and crazy and goofy and im sorry if the pacing seems rushed but i wrote most of this at 1/2/3am when i was tired and sad and completely delusional. there are lots of unanswered plot points like omg what happened to joon?? and suyeon?? and yujin?? why was she so crazy🤣🤣 and how did the infection start?? and did y/n really die?? and i left some of those points unanswered in case i ever decide to write a part two in the future..Gasp😨😨 anyway. i hope u enjoyed reading this mess. i hope u love it😆😆

#stars will fall #enhypen #enhypen angst #enhypen fluff #park sunghoon #sunghoon #sunghoon angst #sunghoon fluff #zombie apocalypse au #apocalypse au #enhypen x reader #sunghoon x reader #park sunghoon x reader #enhypen au

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imadethisaccounttpostonething · 3 months

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i have opinions on half the new songs from hazbin and i'm telling them to the void known as the internet SPOILERS

don't worry guys. i know, i know you've ALL been waiting for MY opinion on the last two episodes- me, someone who doesn't even have a pfp picked out for this blog yet and whos only post is a bad edit i posted just to get the hyperfixation thought out of my head but- you've waited long eneugh. i'm here! i'm FINALLY going to share all my thoughts on the last two episodes of Hazbin Hotel... well, okay, mainly the four songs cause that's more my expertice but. whatever. buckle in bestie, we're going for a ride...

like i said, i'm mostly a song girlie, and as established you don't know who i am so me going "oh i thought that one line was cute" probably won't matter to you. so imma skip right to the first song, "Out For Love." AND HI! HELLO! I HAVE OPINIONS! THERE ALL NEGATIVE! okay, that's not true. i like... the person who plays Camilla's voice?? i think she sounds... nice? but oh my god this song was just. such a missed oppurtunity?

i already had to cut this section down cause i spent so much time making a list of what purpose musical songs tend to serve, but considering my point is that "Out For Love" doesn't do any of those things, i don't think i should waste so much breath on it. like. every form of media has their pros and cons on how to deliver inforation. books you can have the characters full un filtered thoughts. movies you can see all their facial reactions and little moments. musicals? in musicals, you get a song about them. and these songs, espicially in a show with a tight 22 minute an episode deadline and only 8 episodes total, EVERY song has to pull its weight and teach either us the auidence something or them the characters. and by the latter half of the season, it really needs to do both! and Vaggie, is a character who DESPERATLY needed a character establishing song and... didn't really get one. yeah, theres "Whatever It Takes" but.. she has to split that with Carmilla, who... really REALLY didn't need both the songs in that episode. everything we learned about in her half of the song could have just been a pretty quick conversation with Zariel. and as she tells him that she had to do whatever it takes to protect those we love, THEN we go back to Vaggie and she has her whole own song capatlizing on a similar theme, but also.. more? cause. we KNOW Vaggie loves Charlie. that's like. one of the few things we do know about her. and the thing i hate about "Out For Love" is that it doesn't tell us anything else about Vaggie or even Carmilla! AND IT DOESN'T TEACH VAGGIE ANYTHING! in "Whatever It Takes" Vaggie says she'll be Charlie's armor, which is probably the biggest piece of information we get about Vaggie as a person and who she is. cause she said armor. not a sword, that cuts the danger away. not a partner, that helps their lover through the danger. but rather, armor, that stops the danger from hurting their love, even if that ends up damaging the armor. what she could have learned from Carmilla, and what i think they were trying to get at but didn't, is she has to fight like she has something worth going home for? she can't be Charlie's armor cause she isn't indestructable. if she keeps going to take every hit for Charlie she's going to crumble. if THIS was a duet between Vaggie and Carmilla where Vaggie comes in with her martyr-istic opinions about herself towards Charlie, and Carmilla comes in like "girl. no." THAT would have been just. so much. better? cause with how it is, wtf did Vaggie learn???? like i get Carmilla tught her her fighting strat, but idc about that. the song came across as teaching her a moral lesson but it didn't. it's been WELL established that Vaggie loves Charlie. god. i just. really wish it was better. also, the chorus tries to rhyme "If you want to fight without gloves you better be fighting for love" and i just. like okay homie.

Rosie's advice to Charlie about her relationship was fine and all but god why didn't Charlie and Vaggie have a fucking song about it?? like, i'll get into it in a second but my saphic ass has been waiting all season to get my lesbian duet and i got a thirty second reprise of someone elses song instead of the apology/acceptence duet where they reaffirm their love or whatever. and i'm blaming Rosie. ... which i instantly feel bad about cause i really like Rosie and the song she got out of Charlie but. i have to blame someone so. sorry girlie. i don't really have a lot to say about "Ready For This" mostly cause i've listened to the trailer so many times i just think of it as the trailer song? idk, i did like it but it didn't really hit me as much as i thought it would. i mostly wrote this cause i was so mad about Vaggie's two songs and the other two i think are fine. but i do think Alastor's part was really good cause it helps forshadow whatever the fuck is going on with him. love that creepy bastard.

uggggggh. okay. listen. before i say anything else, i want it well established i'm gay af. i came out of the womb with my Doc Martens and thirty different flannels on and ready for action. my hair is short, i played soccer, insert whatever any other saphic/lesbian stereotype you want. go crazy. i've heard worse from people i know better. you can't hurt me. my point is... i was really hoping to get a Charlie and Vaggie duet, and.. i really wasn't expecting one. so when Vaggie walked into the room with Charlie and music started playing i got so excited....... only for it to be thirty seconds long and it being the reprise of Lucifer's father daughter song. like. am i the only one noticing the pattern of Vaggie picking up a second half of songs about a parent loving a child but applying it to Charlie instead? like... i thought this was cute!! but. there was so much they could have sung about to each other or establish for one another or prepare for or just. do. but it was... a reprise of Lucifer's song??? when it ended, i audily said alone in my living room. "awww. i mean. i'll take it". and that's. pretty much my thoughts still i guess but a little more bitterly? like. Dusk and Angel Dust got a whole duet about being losers together (which was also great and i do ship them at least a little) but the canon and supposedly most developed ship got. a. thirty second reprise as their only duet in the whole season. yay.....

finale was good! i also think Nifty killing Adam in the exact same fashion she stabbed all those already dead angels was like. the most fitting way for him to die if not by Vaggie's hand, and sense Vaggie already got at least slight vengence against Lute, this felt good. OH ANOTHER THING ABOUT "Out For Love"! THEY KEEP SAYING VAGGIE IS CLEARLY ALL ABOUT VENGENCE WHEN SHE VERY CLEARLY ISN'T??? LIKE NEVER ONCE HAVE WE ESTABLISHED VAGGIE IS IN IT FOR THE VENGENCE! ITS BEEN ALL ABOUT CHARLIE. BUT THE SONG IS ALL "OH STOP BEING ABOUT VENGENCE AND KILL FOR CHARLIE" AND IT JUST- okay yeah whatever we've established i don't like that song, i need to calm down. i'm gonna listen to my thirty second saphic reprise that i'll take i guess. maybe i'll share more opinions when i've processed anything better. maybe i won't. peace out homie.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel spoilers #charlie morningstar #vaggie #vaggie hazbin hotel #carmilla carmine #i just realized ive been spelling carmillas na #name wrong the whole time #whoops #im not fixing that

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starseungs · 1 year

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➳ romeo and juliet is so overrated. lf

• pairing: lee felix x gn!reader (ft. kim seungmin)

blind dates are shit. and yet you're still roped into one by your wonderful mother who can't wait for you to experience "true romance." but what happens if you end up getting a second date? except its not with who your mom set you up with.

• genre: fluff, humor (romcom?), blind date au, strangers to lovers — 5.2k words

• warnings: mentions of food, blind date gone wrong, first date awkwardness, minor cursing, story is not actually inspired by romeo and juliet (incase the title gives off otherwise)

• note: this is in the same universe as this seungmin fic i also wrote! you can go read that after if you'd like, but this was mainly written as a stand alone, so its not going to affect too much if you decide not to^^ also this was a pain to proofread cz my laptop kept freezing- if theres any mistakes im sorry 💀

Blind dates are shit.

That was a motto you lived and breathed by—a belief you were very sure you'd end up taking to the grave. That's how much you detested the concept.

But like any sane person, you had a reason as to why attending a blind date was the last thing you'd ever want to do on a particularly good night—a time you could have used to relax from working the entire week. First of all, you'd much rather go on a date with someone you already knew. It saves the time normally spent trying to converse about the basics using small talk (you'd rather get to the more important topics, please.) And second of all—

—It never worked out for you.

Okay, maybe the second reason accounted for the bigger percentage of why you hated the process of blind dates so much, but who could blame you? Every blind date you've had so far has been either an "I'd-rather-not-experience-romance-in-my-life-anymore" bad, or good but with a catch that immediately turns you off. The only time the match you got vibed well with your standards, it turned out that they were already interested in someone else and were just forced on the date by their pushy mother.

Talk about relatable.

See, as much as you hated blind dates, your mother loved them to oblivion. The woman who birthed you was very determined to snatch you a person that would finally turn your "monochrome-painted single life" into one that had a significant other in it and give you a chance to finally experience bursts of color (her words, not yours.) The whole deal sounded like it came straight out of a fantasy book, one that had the concept of soulmates in it. Sometimes you wondered if she was doing all this so that she could finally leave you in the responsibility of someone else. Granted, you also did know the actual reason she desperately yearns to get you married soon was because apparently their children's lives were her friend group's only source of entertainment.

So when your mother called you out of the blue one night, telling you she'd gone ahead and set up a blind date with you and this other lady that she met in the market's son, you weren't anywhere near surprised. At that point, this was merely another normal day for you. Which was why, like an obedient child, you agreed ever so soullessly, just wanting to get the situation over with as soon as possible. If you had your way, you would have wished for nothing more than to laze on the couch with your roommate Seungmin, trying to watch whatever Netflix had to offer for this bleak afternoon.

But you couldn't—which resulted in you glaring heavily at the guy comfortably melted on your shared couch. He looked like he had not one care in the world, something you could probably trade your precious trinket collection for. "I hate you so much," you whined in defeat, pacing near the kitchen. "Why can't you go instead of me?"

Seungmin scoffed lightly in the background. "Yeah, right. Not interested," he shifted his position to make eye contact with your distressed form, "Just don't go? The world seems to give you bad dates anyway, so why not take fate's obvious advice and stop attending them?"

"But my mom would be so mad! It's also rude for me to stand the guy up after I said I would go…" Your roommate muttered something under his breath, but you had other things to worry about than what you would have guessed were his complaints about your indecisiveness. The date was set for two hours from now, and you haven't even stepped out of the apartment because of nerves.

Sure, you considered blind dates a waste of time for you, but that doesn't mean you don't get nervous when you're literally meeting new people who are expected to hit it off with you. At the end of the day, these were still strangers, and wanting to make a good first impression was a normal thing to feel. At least that's what you keep telling yourself as you tap your foot impatiently against the hardwood floor. You were very well aware of Seungmin's nasty side-eye directed towards your fidgeting, but he can take that complaint up with himself.

Deciding to suck it up and finally go, you called out to your roommate, who had already diverted his eyes to be glued to the TV screen. "Min, I have to go now," you informed him through your light pants, absolutely feeling the rush already even though you were still only trying to get your shoes on at the front.

"Sure. Enjoy," he waved you off quickly, not even bothering to spare you a glance. The show he's been waiting to watch was playing on the screen, letting you know Seungmin was already immersed in the story. You fondly rolled your eyes at his actions before heading out the door.

The outside world was a lot more welcoming today than you would have liked. With the temperature being perfect and the sun having mere hours until it says its goodbyes, casting a dim shade over the streets almost like a filter—it felt too perfect for a day you were expecting to go home and feel sorry for yourself once again. You clicked your tongue at the pitiful reminder and started picking up your pace. The sooner you got this over, the sooner you could return and mope around in the comforts of your warm bed.

Who needs a significant other? Your bedroom was filled enough on its own.

It almost pained you to walk past the beautiful park, its landscaping coaxing you to stay and live your evening enjoying the gentle breeze. But you were already at your first destination, a whole building apart from the land of temptations, and you bitterly thought that whoever planned to build the two next to each other was a shameless sadist who wanted to ruin what was left of the positivity in people like you.

For someone wearing such an expensive-looking (emphasis on looking) semi-formal attire, one would think that you were heading to your plans via private transport. Clearly, that was what others seemed to think too, each one attempting to peel their eyes off you because of the way you stood out in the busy area. Well, boo hoo to them (and you; especially you), because no. You weren't. Not even a small vehicle called a motorcycle was available for your personal use. In fact, the area being mentioned is actually the train station, which is a few blocks away from your apartment complex. It was expected for the place to be cramped around this time—a rush hour filled with people wanting to go back home after a tiring day.

Oh, how you wanted to be one of them.

Yet instead, you were doing the exact opposite, boarding the public transportation because you had an appointment at dinner time. It's fine; you pat yourself on the back. Free dinner is still free dinner; you were not heading back home a complete loser tonight. That was, of course, if the gentleman you would be meeting in about an hour would be willing to pay the entire bill. The thought alone of the thin roll of paper left a sour taste in your mouth. Or maybe that was just the lemon-flavored toothpaste you used earlier.

The train ride was surprisingly the most bearable part of your day so far. Silence was always appreciated when it was needed, and you definitely needed it now. The white noise provided by the engines and the sound it made when the rails of the track came into contact with the train had you feeling drowsy. It was almost perfect; the ambience was relaxing enough for you to forget about today's agenda. Perhaps if this continued a bit more, you would walk out of this train and change plans to have an exciting "me time." However, that wish was shattered in seconds as you gripped your mobile phone tightly, reading the new message over and over again.

He's looking forward to meeting with you.

You didn't know if the dude was genuinely that deprived of a love life to look forward to meeting with a random person his mother set him up with in the grocery store—or that your own mother was twisting his words just to send you something, anything, that'll make you unable to turn around and ride another train back home. Either way, it looks like it's her lucky day because whatever the deal was, it actually worked on you.

In a blink of an eye, you were already staring up at the fancy restaurant where it was agreed the two of you would meet. The building itself was already quite intimidating: tall, pristine white pillars you could barely name the material of (you weren't bougie enough for that), high ceilings with multiple intricate chandeliers—each adorned with crystal-like glass—and hints of gold plating along the walls. The people around you were on a different level as well, all dressed up in expensive brands you don't even know how to pronounce. It's safe to say that the place was a whole different world than the one you just came from.

So, what the heck are you even doing here?

How did your mother even arrange this for you? Was the guy a conglomerate's son or something? And if so, you really had to get this over with, stat. As much as you would love the experience, this was too much pressure. The rich life was not for you—money is great, but this much is quite nauseating. It's an acquired taste, you guess.

"Excuse me, are you looking for your table?" An employee approaches you, most likely having seen your absolute distress over the situation. You quickly accepted the help and told her your name. "Your table with Mr. Seo is the second one to the right, along the windows."

Oh, so his last name was Seo? You knew it was already suspicious when your mother refused to tell you anything about his identity; which, now that you think about it, why did you even agree to? This man could be a serial killer, and you would be walking right into his trap. Still, you thanked the employee and beelined towards the direction she pointed. You saw the table easily, but the scene that accompanied it was not what you had expected.

Confusion hits you like a pile of bricks. That was him, wasn't it? Or were you mistaken? Checking your mother's message to confirm your suspicions (she had sent you another text saying that the guy was already there waiting), you were able to conclude that it was, in fact, the person who was supposed to be your date.

So if that's him, then who's the other one he's with?

"Psst," you heard someone call out. You knew better than to assume it was for you, though. This restaurant is a public space and may very well be getting the attention of another person. Plus, you don't even know anyone else at this place. "I know you heard me. Just look back; I'm talking to you," the voice followed up. But, you won't fall for it—you weren't born yesterday, and that could not have been for you. It's only common sense, right?

"Are you serious?" They sounded exasperated. "Person standing there like an idiot looking at the table by the window where a couple is sitting, please turn to me."

Oh. It's you.

Your head snapped towards the source of the voice, only to find a handsome face of a male around your age staring at you with eyes filled with amusement, his arms crossed and leaning against the tabletop. He looked to be seated alone, without a companion. You only tilted your head slightly as a way of asking what he wants from you.

Motioning over to your blind date's table, he asked, "You've been staring at them for a while. Is that your lover or something?" Your face contorted in offense, baffled at his words.

"What? No?"

"Good," he chuckles briefly, "I thought I'd have to console someone who got cheated on. By the way, do you want to take a seat first? You standing up right now is quite awkward…"

Realizing the scene you must've been making, you took his offer in embarrassment. "Yeah, thanks. But, no—I don't have a lover," you sighed, feeling your energy drain from the situation. "That guy was supposed to be my blind date, though. I have no idea what's happening." The man in front of you laughed. If you didn't agree with him that the turn of events was hilariously comical, then you would've been very annoyed at the action. Though admittedly, his adorable laugh was also a big factor. This man was attractive, no doubt. Why isn't he your date instead?

"That's a funny coincidence, I'm here on a blind date too," he glances over at the same table, "your date is with mine."

You gaped at the revelation. What is this? A rom-com? There's no way these things actually happen! Or maybe they do—and you experiencing it firsthand right now would be enough proof. Looking at him with concern, you decided to speak. "Should we tell them?" He simply shook his head in response.

"Nah, I'd rather not. Why do you think I hadn't already? Look at them; they seem to be having a great time."

Seeing your two dates interact, there was no doubt they were hitting it off. Which was bad news to you, since now you just ended up wasting your time by coming here. You knew you should've just stayed home and flaked on the guy. Lesson learned: trust your gut instinct. It could save you a whole lot of time (and money, because when are train stations going to be free?) You mean, good for him for finding a date he liked, but this whole thing just turned out to be a huge mistake for you. But even with that, you didn't want to disturb them—you weren't some antagonist who ruins hope for others because they can't get a happy ending.

Your silence must have been uncomfortable for the male across from you since he decided to break the silence. "So, random offer—do you still want a date? Maybe we could just be each other's," he says, pointing to you and him.

That... wasn't a bad offer.

In fact, it was a good offer. You didn't know much about this man, but something told your gut to see wherever this took you, and from what you experienced today, always trust your gut. Now, if you had to be honest, his face also played a big part in your spontaneous consideration. You weren't one to judge solely on one person's physical appearance alone, but the guy before you screamed a green flag, and you just couldn't ignore it. As a skeptic might say, you'll believe it when you see it—or, in this situation, you'll regret it once you're given a reason to.

"Sure."

The man before you looked shocked, almost like he couldn't believe that you had agreed to his offer. Was it a joke? Did you read the situation wrong? Maybe he was just trying to lift the mood but actually wanted to go home—you knew you did before this happened. However, all your doubts melted away instantly after seeing his wide smile, eyes sparkling with excitement and newfound interest. You swear you stopped functioning after seeing the sight.

Oh my, he's cute.

You felt your face heat up at the thought that invaded your mind. Get a grip, Y/N! This is a first date—you can't simp right away. At least make yourself seem appealing to the guy! You bit your lip, swallowing heavily at the sudden pressure put on you by your oh-so-fantastic mind. It's fine—you can do this. Icebreakers it is!

"So, what's your name?" You asked curiously, remembering that you've been referring to him as "the man" for the past few minutes that you've known each other.

He perked up at your question. "It's Felix. Lee Felix," he replied politely while waving his hand for a waiter to bring the menus. After gaining the attention of one, he turned back to you. "What about you?"

"It's Y/N," you responded back. "You have an English name; are you half-foreign?" He hummed at your observation, the low tone catching you off guard. You had already noticed that his voice was deeper than what you had expected from looking at his face, but there was just something extra attractive about that hum. Catching your mind wandering again, you cleared your throat quietly.

"Good catch. I'm actually from Australia," he told you, the grin on his face growing a bit more at the mention of the place. He must really love Australia, huh? "My parents are both Korean, but I grew up there. Came here just a few years ago for work."

Does that mean he's here all alone? That must've been tough for him as well, to live in a whole new country and basically start his life over. You had major respect for people like that; they were what you saw as hardworking and goal-oriented. Sometimes, you even envied them. They could do so much with their lives with that mindset alone. You wish you could be like that someday too. It would be nice to rise above your current state right now—your job was paying enough to get you through the months, but there were still times where you had to worry about finances. Luckily, having a roommate helped with the rent portion of your bills.

Speaking of Seungmin, didn't he say he had an Australian co-worker?

"That's interesting! Australia, huh? I think my roommate mentioned something about having an Australian co-worker. I can't remember his name right now," you shared, "but imagine if you turned out to know each other. If you want, I can ask my roommate to introduce you two! I just thought it'd be nice for you to have another person from Australia with you. Deal with homesickness and all that, you know?"

You didn't think Felix's eyes could shine even brighter, but somehow they managed to do so. "That would be great! Expanding my social circle would be nice too. Making friends is a lot harder now that you're an adult," he sighs.

"You can say that again," you chuckled at his slightly dampened mood. Felix was quite expressive, you noted to yourself. Reading him wasn't hard, but it wasn't as if he put his whole heart on his sleeve either. If he was the type of person to show himself when he found you trustworthy, then you might have to thank him for being comfortable around you. Yes, blind dates didn't normally work for you, but that doesn't mean you didn't try. Of all the dates you've been on, you could only remember one where your efforts were practically zero, and that was just because the guy was a douche from the beginning. Felix was a lot different than the other people you've gone on dates with before—he was relaxed, treated you a lot more casually, yet still emitted that interest. You had a good feeling about where this was going.

When the menus pulled up, you and Felix had already exchanged some basic interests with each other. This match must've been blessed by the gods because there was a lot you had in common, something you didn't even expect. You and him met under random circumstances, yet you had more chemistry with Felix than you had with any other of your past flings. Which, now that you say it like that, maybe that was why they only stayed as flings.

"Do you see anything you like?" Felix asked from across the table. You quickly scrambled to flip through the menu pages, trying to find something that interested you—too distracted earlier to even do so. Yet, just when you thought you could resume talking to him, you realized a big issue.

What even were these dishes?

You might have never eaten in a place this fancy before, but—nevermind. That was exactly it. You've never eaten in a place this fancy before and therefore had no idea what all the dishes would taste like. You didn't consider yourself to be such a picky eater, but at that moment, you felt like your appetite was slowly leaving at each description of the meal you read under a dish name—wait, caviar?

Felix seemed to have caught on to your discomfort, because he spoke up once again. "Hey, do they not interest you? It's fine if you don't find something you want to eat," he says in a reassuring tone, letting you know that you don't have to feel bad. "Do you want to perhaps ditch this place? I know a good pizza place down the road."

Your jaw immediately dropped at his nonchalant suggestion. Is this just something he does often? Make completely random (and baffling) offers? Well, to be fair, both of his offers to you have been good so far. Some pizza would be nice after everything that had happened today. However, this place is super expensive! That was the whole reason you felt uncomfortable ordering from the menu presented to you at the moment. He went through all the trouble of booking this place just for his first date to hit it off with someone else, so you sure weren't about to let his second date, which was you, let the whole reservation go to waste. Rich or not, you still had the decency to respect the effort that was put into getting a table at this place.

"Felix, you can't be serious," you spluttered out, feeling a bit disoriented due to the situation. "I'm well aware of how much it costs to even be here, so we can't just leave!"

He only chuckles at your worry, making you widen your eyes even more. "Oh, yeah. I know that too. But to be honest, my date was the one who booked this place, it looks like their money was well spent though," he says, glancing back over at the table where your original date and his were, the two conversing naturally while dining. You purse your lips at the information. Okay, maybe that was a valid point. Plus, you really are craving pizza.

Facing him, you divert your eyes in embarrassment. "I-I would also like pizza."

Felix wouldn't say it out loud, but he found you really cute. Even more so right now, with you having that shy look on your face. He felt a strong urge to tease you and see more of that adorable expression, but he held himself back. One wrong move, and he'd end up being an asshole. Was it not normal to feel that way? You two have only met after all. But he felt it earlier—you were quite different than the other dates he's had.

Despite being a very loving person, he wasn't one to believe in love at first sight. Yet, the moment he saw you standing all confused and flustered earlier, it immediately caught his full attention. It was as if fate wanted to bring you two together—and even though it sounds so cheesy, like something out of a romantic comedy, he found himself thinking that he could get on board with it. It wasn't even an hour since you met, and you were already creeping into his heart. It wasn't too fast, but just the right pace to know that something clicked. The feeling felt weird—who knew a stranger could have this much impact on you? He surely didn't. But maybe that was why he felt it a lot stronger than you did—not that he even knew what you thought of him.

Felix himself knows well that he was not a let-the-date-into-his-car kind of person on the first few dates (and most especially on the first date), but somehow he found himself breaking his own rule for the first time ever since getting a vehicle of his own. Not that he would leave his dates to get home on their own, of course—he would always politely offer to pay for their cab home. The idea of taking a (for the most part) random stranger somewhere in his car when it was just the two of them alone didn't sit right with him. Felix is well aware that he could've been seen as uninterested by some of the dates, but it wasn't like they were entirely wrong. He only went on blind dates anyway, so the chance of meeting someone who actually interested him enough to imagine a dating life was not that high in the first place.

Yet here you were, sitting awkwardly beside him on the passenger's seat. It wasn't like you weren't comfortable—okay, maybe you were a bit uncomfortable; but that was only because getting into the car of a person you just met about an hour or more ago was not something you planned for yourself tonight. Heck, none of this was on your list of expected events tonight. Firstly, you didn't even get to say a single word to the date your mom set you up on, and secondly, you scored yourself a completely different person! All you wanted was to stay in your bed the whole evening and mope like the hermit you are.

Oh, if only Seungmin could see you right now.

The rumbling sound of the car made itself present to your ears, effectively taking you out of your thoughts. "Let's go?" Felix asks you—the thoughtful gesture awakening butterflies in your stomach. What in the world is going on with you? This man was literally just doing the simplest things, and yet he already seemed to glow in your eyes. You're not falling, are you? You don't fall easily.

At least that's what you believed.

"Y/N?" He questioned, his voice mixed with a hint of concern. "I hope you're alright with all of this. Are you uncomfortable? Maybe I should've asked before we decided to take my car; I'm sorry—do you want to just walk there?" He panicked, which made you panic at his distress too.

"N-no! It's fine; I'm fine—are you fine?" Great, now you were both bundles of nerves. Felix wanted to kick himself for starting the situation. Where did all his earlier confidence go? That, he didn't know. Either way, he wished for it to come back and help him earn some points from you. You, on the other hand, were almost on the verge of collapsing from stress. "Let's just head there," you squeaked, to which Felix only nodded (a bit too quickly.)

"Sorry," Felix sighs, unable to look at you due to his focus on the road. "This is the first time I'm doing this, so I don't know what to do."

You tilted your head at him in confusion. "You mean a date?" He shook his head.

"Driving a date, I mean."

"Really now?" You exclaimed with interest. "I would've never guessed that! You look like the type of guy a lot of people are interested in. You're quite popular, aren't you?"

He chuckles in amusement at your words. "I don't think I'd use that word to describe me. I only do blind dates anyway. Unfortunately I haven't found my person from those ones," he says, glancing at you for a split second, "but maybe the wait was all worth it."

You couldn't help but huff at his act of flirting, rolling your eyes playfully. He got you there. You didn't think Felix would be this smooth, but seeing as he boldly set up a date with you earlier, maybe this was to be expected. "That was a good one, Mr. Lee." At your response, Felix's eyes shone with excitement. He did that a lot when he was happy, you thought mentally. You had to bite back a laugh at how fast he changed up—though you had to admit that was part of his charm.

It was safe to say that the rest of the date went very well. For such a spontaneous plan, you enjoyed it a lot more than you had thought you would. Plus, you found a new pizza place! You'd have to eat there again soon; everything on the menu seemed really good. Unfortunately, you didn't get to eat at the venue because it was full—something Felix panicked over once again. After a while of negotiating (because he wouldn't let it go), you two ended up having an impromptu picnic at a nearby park, enjoying the quiet surroundings that were dimly lit by the street lights. You had never experienced going on a picnic at night before, so this was going to be on the list of firsts you experienced today with Lee Felix—a guy that you didn't even know until a couple hours ago.

It's crazy how fast someone can come into your life and already make unforgettable memories. In the short period of your date, the two of you learned a lot about each other. Whether both of you would be able to keep this up and progress or not, this was going to be a night you would remember for years to come. Who knows—maybe it would make an exciting old people tale to tell in the future?

"So hey," Felix starts nervously, stopping the car in front of your apartment complex. He pauses for a short second before exhaling and facing you with a determined gaze. "I'm not quite sure about how you feel, but I really enjoyed this date. Do you think we can go on more?"

"Sure," you were unable to stop the wide smile from appearing on your face, very satisfied with the chance of a second date. "I'd like that."

"Oh, damn. I'm glad," he quickly relaxes before getting alarmed by something and snapping his head towards you again. "Wait, your parents are fine with you not meeting with that other guy right?"

You chuckled at his apprehensive form, entertained by his precaution. "I'm pretty sure my mom just wants me to find someone nice and go marry them."

"Marry? Hold on, that's for a later date," you felt your cheeks warm at the implication of his words, yet Felix keeps going. "But that's good. I thought there was a chance this was going to end up like some Romeo and Juliet thing where your parents get mad because you're supposed to marry the other guy."

"Felix, relax," you managed to comfort him through stifled laughter. "I'm not some high-status rich person, you know?"

After your short conversation to end the night, you enter the apartment complex with a huge smile pasted on your face. Lee Felix was an amazing guy, that's for sure; you still can't believe he wants a second date. You let out a quiet squeal of happiness, speed-walking towards your apartment to brag to your roommate.

"Yeah, Romeo and Juliet is so overrated anyway."

mastertag 🏷️ : @h0neydewmoon @starzzns @lhskokoro @bookishcalls | let me know if you want to be added or removed^^

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ariapmdeol · 2 years

Note

zeno anon once again, most likely for the last time (my apologies for bothering you so much haha!) thanks for the rec! I was planning to play that but I wasnt aware of that part, so thank u for the heads up so I could prepare ahead of time. if you have any other game recs in general id love to hear them

i promise youre not bothering me at all, no worries :D! i love talking abt games and stuff so i promise im having fun dsalkjakjdslkjds

Here is a list of game recommendations, with a summary and the major TWs that i can remember! I'll edit in links after i post this ask too! and ill put them under the cut bc this is gonna be long lkjdsalkjdskjads. All games listed are free!

Cell Of Empireo - Sharktale Factory: Major TWs: Cults, Human Experimentation, Body Horror, Character Death, Suicide, a single implied mention of cannibalism (very brief), Overall Dark themes, Two (2) jumpscares. My personal favorite right now! Haruki Atou is a 28 year old detective. When his friend and coworker, Eiji Shinano, goes missing, he follows him to his last known location... the mysterious cult known as the Empyrean Heaven Research Institute. LOTS of lore. Like genuinely every single detail feels so fleshed out, it's insane! Foreshadowing EVERYWHERE. this one has a similar vibe to ZENO to me? Also i love the character writing in this game, everyone has their own motivations and plans and its SO DETAILED. Theres a gay mad scientist! a headless rat! a puppy!!! No official playable translation, but there is a translator who has uploaded the entirety of the base game on youtube! The DLC is currently being translated. 7 endings, + bonus scenes based on whether a specific flag is triggered.

Witch's Heart - IZ (Blue Star Entertainment): Major TWs: Body Horror, Suicide, Murder, Dark themes. While playing up in the mountains, Claire Elford finds herself taking shelter from the rain in a mansion. Soon, she finds four other people, some bizarre monsters - and no way back out. In the company of demons, the five must figure out how to escape... and solve the mystery of the legendary wish-granting treasure, the Witch's Heart. This one is split into multiple scenarios. There is the base game, Witch's Heart Bonus Stage as the direct sequel, and Sirius' Conclusion. There are more to come (more character conclusions). This one is fun! Wonderful Character writing, fun gameplay, and charming interactions between the whole cast. Five endings.

SHTDN - Umami Mazu (Marutoku Kichi): Major TWs: nothing major iirc. brief mention of sex, some discussion of death. The desktop is peaceful as usual. In order to delete the computer virus called "Agape", the anti-virus program, Virus Buster "Goyou", must cooperate with it while searching through the computer's files. This one is short and genuine, with GORGEOUS backgrounds. It's STUNNING. It’s so so so cute and the conversations between Goyou and Agape are genuinely sweet <3!! Same creator as ZENO, different translator! Three endings.

Eloquent Countenance - RachelDrawsThis: Major TWs: religion, horror imagery, blood You have been told that the pastor of your church had suddenly passed away last night. As you helped with his wife's funeral not so long ago, you were assigned to assist the pastor's funeral service today as well. But as soon as you were about to start the service, you hear a strange voice in your head… This is short but compelling! Made for a game jam where the entire game takes place in a single room. I had a lot of fun with this one :D WONDERFUL character writing! Two endings.

Cold Front - RachelDrawsThis: Major TWs: Blood, gore, disturbing imagery. Augustine and Winnie have always been together their whole childhood. Ever since elementary school up until now, when they have graduated high school. They were inseparable. But now that Winnie got accepted to his university, he is soon leaving town. The two decide to spend their last day together before his move. Not long after they hopped into Winnie's car, they suddenly find themselves trapped in a freezing blizzard... It's currently July. also short with 2 endings! FANTASTIC character writing, both Winnie and Augustine feel SO fleshed out <3

Your Turn to Die - A Death Game By Majority - Nankidai: Major TWs: Death, graphic depictions of violence, Hallucinations, Trauma, overall dark themes. Sara Chidouin returns home from school late one night to discover that something's gone terribly wrong. When she comes to, she finds herself, her friend Joe, and 9 other people trapped in a mysterious place. Placed in life-and-death situations, they must come to an agreement about what they should do - and who should die. YTTD <3 this one is released up through chapter 3-1B, with part 3-2 to be the final part when it is released. Multiple routes! this is what got me into playing these kinds of games in the first place :D very fleshed out characters, details matter! your choices determine who lives or dies!

Therapy With Dr. Albert Krueger - Dino999z Major TWs: jumpscares, cartoon gore, blood, flashing images, loud noises The genius of Dr. Krueger shines again with his newest revolutionary breakthrough therapeutic sessions. Allow Krueger’s new treatment to tackle the toughest cases of mental disorder (peer-review pending) and fears in our ever changing day to day world. The genius lies not only within Krueger's stunning techniques as a therapist, but also with what he calls “Dream Therapy”, combining breakthrough neuron technology with his closely held therapy principals. So what are you waiting for? Sign up for your therapy today! HELLOOOOO MR KRUEGER! Same creator and world as VTSOM, with some connections between the two (though the order in which you play them doesnt matter)! three endings! I love this silly goofy marine biologist turned therapist! the protagonist is NB :D

#rpgmaker games #cell of empireo #cold front #eloquent countenance #SHTDN #therapy with dr albert krueger #your turn to die #witch's heart #rpgmaker horror #indie games #zeno anon #aria rambles #anon #aria answers #game recs

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ghost-of-you · 1 year

Text

we just danced backwards into each other - ch - part 7

Paring: Calum Hood x Original Female Character.

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of an er visit and vague descriptions of an injury and how it happened, also Lena's team sucks.

Word Count: 9.4k

Authors note: okay, this took a long time to post, sorry about that, i cant even say i hit a writer's block patch because i have been writing a lot about them, i just hit a bit where i could only write flashbacks, i even briefly considered to post a part that was just flashbacks, but that didn't fit the plan, but here we are, hopefully, the next part wont take this long, i already have a solid chunk written. That being said the flashbacks are getting more elaborate, and theres quite a bit of them in this part. As usual, italics are flashbacks.

Read it on AO3

Part 6 Part 8

Masterlist

______

Lena wasn't exactly sure what to expect from the meeting she was called in for, she thought it would be about the conversations surrounding her and Calum and when she would be allowed to start putting songs out, but she sure as hell didn’t expect to find herself in the situation she is in.

“What do you mean, supporting act?” Lena asks as calmly as she possibly can.

“You’ll get your own tour next year, but they need an opener and it makes sense-” Her manager sounds calm and slightly condescending and that makes her cut her off.

“No, it doesn’t,” she shakes her head, and Sylvia sighs.

“Lena, you can’t do arenas alone, it will be good for you."

“No, I’m not doing it,” she says, crossing her arms but the look she gets in response makes her shoulders tense.

“You already agreed,” she says and Lena frowns in confusion.

“No, I didn't." She sounds a bit childish. Probably looks it too, arms crossed, hands clenching the ends of her sleeves, a pout she can't really fight on her lips.

“Yes, you did," Sylvia says and the look on her face it's what finally makes the situation make sense.

“The ‘a few concerts’ part of the deal is a whole tour?" She air-quotes, feeling exasperated, "are you fucking kidding me?”

“Lena,” she says, pinching the bridge of her nose and Lena rolls her eyes.

“Fine, great, I’m going on tour with my fake boyfriend, yeehoo," she says, making a dramatic motion with her hands, "does that mean I’ll get to release something?”

“Yes." The word sounds too careful and it makes Lena groan.

“But the first thing will have to be the duet, right?”

“Yes.” The word rings in her ears and it makes her blood boil. It makes her want to start a fight. But she just takes a deep breath, pressing her lips together.

“Okay, can I go now? I have a song to finish and a deadline now."

“Sure."

“Thank you,” she says, pushing her chair back loudly and making her way out the door. She wants to slam it. She wants to slam something. But she ends up slamming into someone. The last person she wants to see at that particular moment.

Lena was slowly walking through the schoolyard, dragging her feet, wishing she didn't have to go to the quad and stay there for another period. She wanted to leave. She wanted to hide. Actually, she wanted to cry and she felt stupid for it, so she wanted to run. But not literally, and if she went to PE, Coach would make her run laps or something and the thought made her want to scream.

To be fair, all her thoughts were making her want to scream. She wanted to scream at herself for failing that test. She wanted to scream at herself for caring so much about one stupid grade she could easily make up for. She wanted to scream for wanting to scream. It was all very frustrating.

It was why she ended up hiding in the corner beside the bleachers where she would sit when she didn't want Coach to force her to participate. Or where she would hide to watch the football team practice sometimes. The second occasion had happened more times than she would want to admit, but she liked understanding when Calum went on about the games and the team, so she started watching it more. It was just about being a good friend. It definitely had nothing to do with the way he would smile at her, a smile that would light up his whole face and he'd even get dimples on his cheeks, when she had an input that made sense. And she was growing to enjoy the sport, even if just because of his sheer enthusiasm.

She wasn't watching the field that day though, too busy feeling sorry for herself to do anything other than stare at the floor, twisting a pebble between her fingers, waiting for the hour to be over. It was why she didn't hear the footsteps approaching her until they were too close for her to run. So she settled to furiously wiping the tears off her cheeks with the back of her hands, letting out a frustrated huff as the tears wouldn't stop, trying to come up with an excuse to give Coach as she turned to look up at whoever it was when they stopped.

But it wasn't Coach, and she watched as Calum, dressed in the school team's uniform, sat down beside her, leaving about a foot of space between them, making her frown. Why wasn't he playing? Coach might not miss Lena, but he would definitely notice that Calum wasn't there.

She was looking at him trying to figure out what to say. Maybe tell him she didn't want to talk. That he should go back. That she wanted to be alone. But before she could say anything he offered her his water bottle, raising his brow in a silent question: do you want me to go? And Lena surprised herself by shaking her head while taking the bottle from his hand.

He didn't say anything, just nodded and looked forward, at the field. And Lena watched him, stunned for a few seconds while taking a big gulp of the water while feeling a rush of affection for him she couldn't quite understand, before shaking her head and scooting closer to him.

They sat there in silence until the bell rang when Calum scrambled to his feet and offered her a hand to help her up too, giving it a comforting squeeze before running back to get his stuff from the locker room, leaving Lena unsure of why she felt like she could follow him anywhere.

“Woah there, love,” Calum chuckles, holding her up, but frowning when he notices the look on her face, “you okay?” He asks, and she groans, closing her eyes, and exhaling sharply before stepping back from him.

“Fine, I gotta go,” she mumbles, stepping around him and moving toward the break room at the end of the hall. She doesn't know exactly what she wants there as she moves to get a glass and stops by the water fountain, hand clutching at the cool metal edge and watching as the water slowly fills the cup. Too slowly.

"Lena," Calum's voice is careful as it comes from somewhere behind her and she groans, staring at the wall.

"Calum, I mean this in the nicest way possible but get out," she says, as calmly as she possibly can, closing her eyes as she takes a sip.

"Lena," he tries again and she sighs.

"Look, really wanna do something self-destructive, picking a fight with you right now would definitely do that and I don't wanna say something I can't take back, so please leave me alone, I promise I'll talk to you once I stop feeling like wanna smash something," she says, clutching the cup with both hands, still staring at the wall.

"Okay, just call me if you need me," he says and she nods.

"Yeah." She is actually surprised when she hears him walking away, but she stays there, slowly counting her breaths as she sips on her water, trying to get a grip on her feelings when she hears footsteps behind her again.

"Calum, I said please," she groans, putting the cup down, but the voice that comes from behind her makes her head snap back.

"Not Calum," Andy says, and she finds him leaning against the doorway, "he did send me, though, he said he didn't think you should be alone," he explains and she stares at him for a few seconds before crossing the room straight into his chest, making him huff out a laugh as he wraps his arms around her, "what happened?"

"We're going on tour," she says, stepping back so she can look at him.

"And you're upset why exactly?" He frowns at her and she purses her lips.

"With 5sos," she says and understanding floods his face.

"We're opening?" He asks and she nods slowly, "so you're not sad, you're pissed."

"Yes."

"Got it, wanna go find something for us to break?"

"Yes, please."

The wait was agonizing. And it was throwing him off. It wasn't like this was the first time Calum and Lena had gone for days without hearing from each other. It wasn't the first time they had a fight that ended with one of them storming off. Granted, this was the first time Lena was the one that initiated the divide between them and stuck with it. But he thought she would come back. She always came back.

Their silly arguments used to end fairly quickly and when he was the one storming out after tearing them apart in one swoop, he felt like he didn't have the right to miss her. He regretted walking out on her the second the door had closed behind him but some part of him still thought it was for the best.

But this time, there wasn't a piece of him that didn't desperately want to fix this. He needed to fix it somehow.

But Lena was gone, no one exactly sure where and it was agonizing because he was terrified he had lost her for good. He was terrified of what she would do.

Most of all he was terrified of how much he missed her.

Their relationship had been about distance for long enough for Calum to be able to compartmentalize the feeling. It came with the job. He was always missing someone.

But this time it felt different. Maybe because he couldn't just call and have the ache softened by the sound of her voice. Maybe it was because there was no escaping it when even looking at a picture of them just made him feel worse.

Someone else might've seen the irony in the way Lena was out, somewhere in the world, convinced he didn't love her while Calum was finally understanding how much he actually did.

Not that he wasn't aware of how non-platonic his feelings for her were. How non-platonic they had always been. But letting himself admit it had him seeing how deep those feelings ran and he couldn't believe how stupid he had been.

She loved him. He knew that for years. He loved her. He also knew that for years. So why had he fought so hard to keep her out? And how had he left himself make her believe he didn't love her?

Granted, he thought she was over him. He thought he had lost his chance. That his time to do something had passed. That a somewhat mended friendship was all he could have after what he did. So he convinced himself that it was what she wanted. That it was what he wanted. And because of that, he had no reaction to give her when she made her feelings known. Again.

The worst part is that he couldn't even blame her for leaving. He sure as fuck would've too if the roles were reversed. He would've done more damage as he left too. It wouldn't be as graceful.

The calm in which she had taken his hand and done the exact same thing he had all those years before, just leaving the piece of them she held onto when he didn't deserve it, all while looking him dead in the eyes, daring him to stop her, was not something he could have achieved.

She walked away and he had to let her do it. He couldn't offer what she wanted. But then again, all he wanted was to get her to stay.

It was how he ran into Andy. The roommate who most definitely hated him. Not that Calum blamed him.

"She's flying back," Andy told him after an awkward greeting, turning back to Calum, “tomorrow if she gets on the plane,” he added before Calum could ask, sliding to the booth across from him.

“You talked to her?” Calum asked and he nodded, "is she safe?"

"She said she is."

"Do you believe her?"

"I don't know," he said, rubbing his forehead.

“How is she?”

“How do you think?” Andy huffed, rolling his eyes.

“I’m still asking,” he said simply and Andy studied him for a few seconds before answering.

“Well, she sounded a lot like she did last time,” he finally said and Calum frowned.

“I don’t know what that means." Those words frustrated him. He used to think there wasn't a part of Lena he didn't know and he didn't like to be confronted with the fact that he didn't know her as well as he thought.

“She sounded numb, dude, avoidance is something she mastered, it was like she couldn’t handle all she was feeling, I’m relieved she’s coming back, the numb stage was a bad one,” he ran a hand through his hair and for a second Calum wondered if he really wanted to know, but he couldn't stop himself from asking.

“Why?”

“She cried for like a whole week and one day she just stopped, it was like she decided she didn't want to feel it anymore, but she wasn't feeling anything else either, she was moving on auto-pilot, burying herself into distractions, she landed herself in the hospital once."

“I didn’t know that."

“She passed out on campus, it sounds worse than it was," Andy's voice was dismissive as he crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned back on his seat.

“What happened?”

“She was dehydrated, pushed herself too hard, she was actually at the campus health center when it happened, not that anyone thought to tell me that when they called me, it was all ‘Lena is in the hospital, you gotta get here now’," he breathed out a puff of air and Calum considered his words. He really couldn't blame the guy for the way he reacted whenever he was around Lena.

"That sounds like a lot."

"I've spent the whole week waiting for that call again," Andy said, voice low, sounding as if he didn't want to admit what he'd been thinking but also as if he needed Calum to know how bad it could get.

"I know what you think of me, but I'm not trying to hurt her," he defended himself but the other man shook his head.

"You wanting to do it or not doesn't change how it's always happening," he challenged and Calum felt stunned for a second.

"Did you talk to her about-"

"Your situation and why she ran? Yes," he nodded and Calum looked expectantly at him.

"And?"

"She's hiding, she does that, hide until she can handle what she’s feeling," he said and Calum nodded. That he knew. He used to have a list of places she usually hid back home for the days she would run without telling him where she was going. Under the bleachers at their old school, the lookout not far from her mum's house, the park a few blocks from his place, the old playground by Michael's. He used find her and just sit with her until she was ready to talk. "I remember at the beginning of our second year she disappeared for a few days and then came back like nothing happened, I still don’t know where she went,” Andy added with a frustrated huff, and Calum frowned at him. He knew what happened.

“She came to see me," he said and got a puzzled look in return, "We were doing promo back home and she just showed up and followed us around, I think we were telling people she was our hairstylist or something like that.”

Lena had called him one day, saying she was at his hotel lobby. He had not believed her at first but went down anyway, grinning when he saw her, clutching the straps of her backpack while she bounced on the balls of her feet waiting for him. It took until he saw the anxious look on her face as she turned to him for him to start to question why she was there, it was a nine-hour drive after all, but she just hugged him and shrugged the question off. He knew she needed a distraction and he was happy to provide it. Their manager had been annoyed about it, but still made the necessary arrangements for her to be able to stay with him. She went to interviews, and a photoshoot, standing in a corner laughing as she fluffed Michael’s hair with a comb sticking out of her back pocket, saying Calum needed more hair gel, and sat next to him in the back of the van as if she belonged there. The night before they left she curled up on his bed and cried telling him about the fight she had with her mother, and how she just got in her car and drove. The same car he closed the door to in the hotel parking lot because she needed to go back to uni and he had another plane to catch.

“She stayed with us until I had to leave."

“She went to you?” He asked, sounding skeptical and Calum nodded.

“She used to do that a lot, come to me when she wanted to run, I always tried to be there if I could."

"It's just been a while since she ran without telling me." He was back to looking frustrated and Calum narrowed his eyes at him.

"You really care about her, don't you?"

“She’s my family, and honestly, I’m sick of hearing her cry over you, I can’t say I understand why she loves you."

“We had good years before things got too complicated."

“Complicated,” he huffed out a chuckle and Calum frowned.

“What?”

“When she was angry she would pace around, going on about how you kept saying it’s complicated, and calling you very creative names," the blonde explained with a chuckle and Calum narrowed his eyes at him.

"How much did she tell you?" He asked, genuine curiosity in his voice.

"Enough. I think she downplays some of the parts that hurt her the most, but I'm not sure if she's trying to get me not to hate you or if she's just sparing herself."

"It's probably both."

"Definitely both."

"I've been thinking about what you said," Calum said after a beat of silence and Andy looked confused.

"Me?"

"About being someone who deserves how much she loves me," He explained and Andy narrowed his eyes at him. It was unsettling to see how much they looked like Lena's when he stared at him like that.

"Right," he said, sounding skeptical.

"I can't change the shit that already happened, I would if I could, go back and smack some sense into myself, but if she lets me I'll try for as long as it takes to fix it," he paused, but Andy looked unconvinced, "you think she'll talk to me?"

"Honestly? No. Not right now at least," he added after a beat, "but maybe, if you are serious about this, she'll come around."

"I am serious," Calum said and Andy studied him carefully, before seemingly deciding he was being sincere by giving him a small nod.

"Then maybe you still have a chance."

Lena lost track of how long she had been sitting in her car, phone in her hand trying to decide what to do. Calum said to call him if she needed him, so she could call even if she didn’t necessarily need him at the moment. She just feels bad for the way she reacted. And she always hated fighting the urge to talk to him.

The decision shouldn’t be this hard. She should just call him if she wants to talk to him. At least that’s what she’s been telling herself for at least the last thirty minutes, music blaring through the car while clicking in and out of Calum’s contact.

“Just do it,” she tells herself, pausing the music, leaning back against the seat, and closing her eyes as she clicks the call button.

"Hi, L," Luke's voice comes through the phone when she thought the call was about to go to voicemail and Lena frowns slightly, pulling the phone off her ear and checking the screen to see if she dialed the right number, finding Calum's name on it.

"Luke?" She asks, sounding confused and he giggles.

"Cal is occupied, but I didn't want to leave you hanging."

"Oh, you didn't have to, I can call back later," she says, scratching her neck as she hears Calum's voice at a distance.

"Is that my phone?" Calum asks and Luke must've agreed because he adds, "why are you on my phone?" sounding a lot closer.

"It's L, you've been checking it compulsively," Luke says and there's a commotion where she assumes the phone is being passed around because she stops understanding what they are saying.

"Lena? Is everything okay?” He asks, sounding concerned, making her chuckle.

"You said to call if I needed you."

"I did."

"But you're busy, we can talk later, it's fine," she says, scratching her neck but he's quick to stop her dismissal.

"We're pretty much done, I'll be off, in like ten, twenty minutes?"

"Can you meet me then?"

"Yeah, you want me to stop by your place? You wanna come over? You wanna go somewhere? I don't have my car so I would have to go get it but-" He sounds eager and that makes her giggle, looking around herself before interrupting him.

"I can pick you up,” she offers, adjusting in the seat.

“I’ll wait for you then."

“You got your license?” Calum said, sounding skeptical and mildly jealous as he leaned against the open window, making Lena pout, as she gripped the steering wheel tighter.

“Just get in, some of us still have a curfew," she complained and he opened the door, sliding into the passenger side.

“You didn’t answer,” he said while she watched him.

“Seatbelt,” she said and he rolled his eyes, buckling in, “of course I got it, you think mum would let me get the car if I didn’t have a license?”

“When did this happen?”

“About a month ago,” she shrugged, carefully making the car move again and she didn't have to look at him to know he looked offended as he shifted in the seat.

“A month? And you didn’t tell me?"

“And miss the look on your face when I rolled up? No chance," she teased, glancing at him.

“I can’t believe you got your license before me,” he complained, pushing the seat back so he could sit more comfortably and she rolled her eyes.

“No, you’re not allowed to complain, you were just on a world tour, who cares about cars?”

“Says the one with a car."

“It’s not like it's my car.”

“You’re driving it."

“It's not that exciting, but sometimes mum lets me drive myself to school, so that’s cool.'

"So, where are we going?"

"I have no idea, I didn't think that far," she laughed, tapping on the steering wheel.

"We can drive around until we find someplace to stop," he offered and she considered it while he leaned forward to mess with the radio.

“Wait, wanna go to the lookout?” She said, suddenly, looking at him and he grinned at her as he finally got the radio to work.

Lena parked the car, still far from the edge, but close enough for them to be able to look at the lights of the city below, before getting out, moving to the front of the car, Calum following her, looking amused as she moved so she could sit on the hood, patting the space beside her as she leaned against the windshield.

"You've been coming here alone?" He asked once he was settled beside her, and she shrugged, glancing at him.

"Nah, it's weird being here now," she pressed her lips together while he watched her. Everything they used to do together felt lacking when he wasn't there. It just made the constant ache of missing him that much more intense, "and mum doesn't like me being out here by myself so…"

"It's probably not a good idea," he chuckled, eyes still on her making her slide closer to him and drop her head on his shoulder, holding on to his arm. She couldn't quite believe he was really there. Not just a voice on her phone or a face on a screen but within her reach. It made her want to hold on and never let him leave again. And that was stupid all things considered. It was never going to happen. She knew she needed to get over her feelings for him. But that was a problem for future Lena. At that moment the only thing that mattered was that Calum really was there.

"I've been meaning to tell you something," she said, looking forward and she felt him moving beside her.

"What?" He asked and she chewed on her bottom lip.

"It's okay if you're gonna be too busy, I didn't think you'd be here, but you are and well, I can't not invite you but really is okay if you can't go-" she was rambling and she knew she should just say it but the words wouldn't come out until Calum interrupted her.

"Go where?" He chuckled, and she pulled away so she could look at him.

"I booked a gig," she blurted out, pressing her lips together and anxiously watching him. But as his face lit up with a smile she felt stupid for being anxious about telling him. Of course he would be happy for her.

"Really?"

"It's not, you know, one direction, stadium world tour, but they told me they sold like few hundred tickets and I'm just opening and no one is gonna be there to see me and it's okay if you can't go," she was babbling and he looked amused.

"I'm going," he told her and she pressed her lips together.

"Really?"

"You think I'd miss it?"

"I didn’t think you’d be here," she chuckled and he rolled his eyes.

"But I am, so… When is it?"

"The day before you're set to leave."

"I'll be there," he said, sounding determined and that just made her smile at him.

Lena’s about to reach for her phone to let Calum know she’s there when she hears a tap on the passenger window, and she’s startled for a second before unlocking the door.

“How did you know I was here?” She laughs, watching as Calum gets in.

“I didn’t,” he says, making her frown at him, “I saw the car,” he explains, adjusting the seat and buckling in and she nods.

"Right."

"Where are we going?" He asks when they start moving and she laughs.

"I didn't think that far."

"So we're just driving around then?" He asks and she shrugs, "what happened that got you that upset?" He adds and she can feel him watching her.

"You don't know?" She asks, glancing at him and he frowns at her, "I'm your opening act," she adds and she can see he's fighting to keep his expression neutral.

"You are?" He asks, failing to mask the excitement in his voice. She thinks she'll be excited about it soon enough, she liked performing too much to be upset for long. And she knows he's excited about the thought of having her around while on the road again. But she's unsure how she feels about being on tour with him. It's just hard not to think about how badly the last tour they did together ended for the both of them. And they went in with a relationship that was a lot more stable than whatever's happening between them at the moment.

"Yep," she nods and he's still watching her carefully.

"Okay," he says, sounding unsure and she sighs.

"You know the agreement for the relationship?" She starts, looking at him at a red light and he nods, "I didn't know that I was agreeing to the tour too. I'm not mad I'm going on tour with you guys because of you guys, it just felt like a step back you know? And I know I ain't selling out arenas and that this is a good opportunity but I am annoyed." Most of all she's annoyed about the way she keeps getting tricked into doing things, but there's a part of her that doesn't want to do the tour simply because she feels like her career moved so much since the last time she opened for them. Two albums out, a third on the way. Was it crazy for her to not want to do the thing that started it all again?

“Why?” Calum asks and she chews on her bottom lip trying to figure out the right thing to say to get him to understand the issue she has with the situation.

“How would you feel if I told you you need to tour with one direction again?” She asks in return, stealing a glance at him and seeing the emotions on his face as he processes her words: confusion being replaced with understanding being replaced with uneasiness.

“Got it."

“I am sorry about earlier though, so you can stop with the monosyllabic answers-" she chuckles, feeling restless over the way his reactions feel too careful.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he says before she can finish her thought.

"-and you're allowed to be happy I'm going on the road with you again," she continues and he laughs.

"I am?" He sounds equal parts unsure and excited and it's a bit disarming.

"Yeah."

"Are you? All things considered?" He asks, genuine concern in his voice, and she considers the question.

"Well, it’s fun, so I'm sure I'll be excited about it soon, but if I'm being honest the idea of spending months seeing you on a semi-daily basis again it's a bit unsettling," she admits, fighting the urge to look at him because she doesn't want to know what she would see in his face if she did.

"Unsettling?"

"I don't know, okay? It's just, I'm trying not to shut you out, but it's weird."

“What?”

“Not fighting the urge to talk to you, I got used to it,” she says, tapping her thumbs against the steering wheel, “we need to finish the song, though,” she chuckles, glancing at him, wanting to change the subject.

“I like the way it is now," he says, simply. She does too. That version may only exist as a voice note recorded with Calum's phone but there's something about it. She really hopes they can capture that in the studio.

“Yeah, me too, but you really think it's gonna work with just the piano?" It's definitely not her usual style and she's worried about how it would sound.

"We could try it out,"

"We can work on it."

“Whenever you want."

“Not now though, now we’re doing something stupid,” she giggles, finally realizing where she wants to go.

“How stupid are we talking here? ‘Cause you have really high standards for stupid,” he jokes and she pouts.

“Hey!” She complains, sounding offended and he laughs.

“I’m just saying, are you just planning on driving until we run out of gas, or are you skipping that and just going straight to the airport? I'm down if you wanna flee the country again, you just need to tell me first,” he tells her and she can't help the way her heart flutters.

“So you would run away with me?”

“Always,” he says, making her have to press her lips together to control the smile threatening to take over her face. It feels unfair, the way he keeps getting these reactions out of her without even trying.

"Do I need a plane ticket and a shiny ring with your name on it?" She jokes, more in an attempt to keep the conversation lighthearted than anything else, but she starts laughing when he groans, rolling his eyes.

"I take it back," he says, and she glances at him, trying to determine how much he means it, but he seems to be fighting to keep a straight face.

"Too late, you're already in the car," she shrugs and he fakes outrage.

"That's kidnapping."

"Hey, you got in willingly," she laughs, looking at him when he laughs too, the sound making her heart beat faster. "I just want ice cream though," she adds, and he nods.

"Of course you do, but why is that stupid?"

"Because we are gonna go out into the world, I don't wanna sit in the car."

"The stupid part here is the risk of getting recognized then, got it."

"For all intents and purposes, we're selling the idea you're my boyfriend now so who the fuck cares if we get spotted together?"

"That's the spirit."

For some reason, Lena hadn't thought about what the batch of promo she would be doing between the legs of the tour meant for her and Calum until she had all her stuff taken down and was about to be ushered into the van to catch a plane to somewhere she wasn't sure where it was. They had three weeks off, at least the band had, she would only get a few days before having to meet the boys for the first show of the North America leg, she was in full promo mode and her team was driving her crazy.

But as she thought about how Calum had said goodbye, too quickly for her to fully process it, she couldn't help but feel anxious. This would be the longest they would be apart since whatever was happening between them had started. And she didn't know what to expect. Things between them had been easy enough she didn't think she had anything to worry about until she was standing in an empty hotel room, looking around to see if she had forgotten something only to find one of Calum's flannels on the couch in the corner.

And suddenly worrying was all she could do, even though she knew she couldn't make any demands. What would they do when the tour started again? Go back to just being friends? Stay in the routine of sneaking into each other's hotel rooms and hooking up in what sometimes felt like any space where they could get alone long enough for sex to happen?

Sure, it wasn't just sex. No matter what Calum said about not giving her a relationship, something more was going on between them. They talked more, they laughed more and Lena couldn't remember the last time they were in a hotel and she fell asleep alone. It was as if removing that line between them that they had danced around for years had them settling into a level of comfort with each other she never had with anyone else. But sometimes she did worry if it was all about proximity. So she was worried about whether the distance between them would change things again. She knew how quickly their relationship could shift. Had things been permanently altered or would this put them back the way they were before they acted on the attraction between them? Could she ever go back if he wanted to, knowing what it was like to have him, all of him? She wasn't sure.

But standing there wasn't going to change anything. She had to leave. There was a plane she needed to be on and she would have plenty of time to wonder if that morning before Calum left had been her last chance to kiss him and just pretend he was hers for a while.

She had just finished checking the front pocket of her backpack to make sure she had her passport and was clutching the fabric of Calum's flannel as she glanced around one more time when the door opened.

"Hey," Calum said, walking in, looking a little breathless under the carefree expression he was wearing as he closed the door behind him.

"Hi," Lena answered, eyeing him suspiciously, "you forgot this," she added, offering him the flannel and he nodded, taking it and putting it on over his t-shirt so he wouldn't have to carry it, "I was about to go find you."

"I thought I should walk you down," he said, stepping closer to her. He was staying there another day, doing some exploring, like Ashton liked to say, so there was no rush for him to leave.

"Okay," she giggled, "let's go then, 'cause I don't need Sylvia yelling at me," she added, adjusting the straps of her backpack on her shoulders and moving to walk around him. She knew not to wait for anything other than him just walking next to her, there was no telling who could see them, so she was surprised when he grabbed her hand.

"Wait," he told her, pulling her to him and she barely had time to react before he was kissing her. And there was nothing calm about it, the way he was kissing her made her head spin as she held on to him.

"Okay, now we can go," he said, pulling away from her, leaving her chasing his lips before she grabbed hold of his shirt and pulled him back to her. She wanted more. She wanted to map out the way kissing him felt like in case she didn't have the chance to do it again and that was what she did. She focused on the feeling of his lips on hers and his hands on her body and the feelings coursing through her.

"Now we can go," she laughed, a little breathless, pulling away from him and moving to the door. She knew he would follow her. And they walked down to the parking lot, after giving the key cards to her manager, Lena rambling about how excited she was for this round of interviews while Calum watched her with a grin on his face that made her heart beat faster.

He pulled her in for a hug, after checking to see if the parking lot was in fact empty, and she breathed him in before pulling away.

"I'll see you in a few weeks," she said, standing on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek before going into the van, putting the backpack on the seat before sitting closer to the open door to wait, leaning into the frame.

"Yeah."

Lena half expected him to turn around and leave, but he surprised her again by looking around, hoisting himself into the van, kissing her one more time, way too fast for her liking, before going back out, at the same time her manager showed up with the rest of her team.

"Bye, love," Calum said, winking at her, making her laugh, "call me when you land."

“Did you ever think about how fucked up it is that we spend so much of our lives moving?” Lena asks, slamming the car door closed as Calum stops next to her.

“Are you getting philosophical on me?” He asks, narrowing his eyes at her and she shakes her head.

“No, I mean literally,” she explains, and they start moving to the ice cream shop.

“That somehow makes even less sense,” he chuckles and she looks up at him.

“We are always on vehicles, you know? Cars, vans, buses, planes,” she lists, counting her finger and his eyebrow furrow as he studies her.

“Why are you thinking about that?”

“You mentioned running, I started thinking about planes, got into a little existential crisis,” she shrugs, pressing her lips together.

“And decided to drag me with you?" Calum teases, raising an eyebrow at her.

“It’s because you have a headstart on me, I was wondering if you ever had that moment, so, you know, thought I’d do some dragging, ask if you ever wanted to just stop moving." Lena sounds more frustrated than she expects and she chews on the inside of her cheek as she waits for him to say something.

"So you are getting philosophical on me." He looks so understanding, it's disarming.

"I guess," she sighs, scratching her neck and he cooks his head looking at her before reaching around her to open the door.

"Yeah, I have," he says, holding the door open for her to walk into the shop and she murmurs a thank you as she walks in.

"What do you do about it? How do I make the feeling go away?" She asks, stopping suddenly, looking at him and he has to hold out his hands, landing them on her waist so he wouldn't hit her.

"What makes you think I'm any better at it than you?" He laughs, guiding her to the line and she doesn't miss the way his hand stays on the small of her back.

"I mean, everyone seems better at this than me right now, so," she shrugs, trying to sound nonchalant but he can clearly see through it.

Calum seems to be trying to find the right words to say but before he could it's their turn to order and it's not until they are sitting on opposite sides of one of the booths that he speaks again.

"I know that's the worst possible answer, and I sound like a bad self-help book, but you gotta find what works for you."

"Running really works for me," she says, digging into her sundae and he laughs.

"Maybe try calling it a vacation the next time."

"But that's boring," she fake-complains, pouting a little too hard.

"You can always lean into the chaos," he chuckles and she sighs.

"But then I have to deal with the consequences and I'm tired of the consequences," she says, looking down and swirling the spoon around the glass dish.

"Love," Calum's voice is careful and she looks up at him, not letting him continue.

"There's gotta be a better way than imploding my life, that's all I'm saying," she shrugs, shoving ice cream in her mouth in an act that doesn't seem nearly as carefree as she would hope.

"Well, you can find different outlets, but knowing you that would just distract you from the problem, maybe try therapy? That helped me."

"Oh, I am," she tells him, and he laughs at the look on her face.

"Not as instantaneous as you thought it would be, right?"

"Why can't she just fix me?" She complains with a laugh, moving her arms dramatically around her and getting a pressed-lip smile as an answer. Calum's watching her and the look in his eyes makes her feel uneasy. She can't tell what he's seeing in her face but she can't tell he doesn't like seeing it.

"I'm sorry," he says after a beat. So that's what the look was. Guilt.

"What I did is not on you, you know."

"Yeah, but what I did to you is, and I am sorry for my part in it."

"And I forgave you already so, if we want this to work, I need you to stop apologizing."

At first, Lena thought she was imagining the taps on her window. She was still feeling loopy and she was exhausted after the day she had but she couldn't get comfortable. She didn't know if it really was the stitches and the bandage or if it was just how she was extremely aware of them. But the sound happened again and she could swear she heard her name, so she got up, moving to the window. She frowned as she opened it, feeling confused. Were the painkillers enough to get her hallucinating?

"Why are you on my window?" She whispered, carefully leaning forward so she could talk to Calum.

"You weren't answering and your mum won't let me in." He looked anxious, trying his best to scan her through the window as he moved closer to her.

"Because you're an idiot who told her it was your fault," she rolled her eyes because her mum was driving her crazy over what happened, but she regretted the action when he flinched, guilt twisting his features.

"It was my fault." His voice was small even for the rushed whisper conversation they were having and it twisted her heart.

"I fell, it was not your fault," she assured him, but his eyes were still filled with guilt.

"How are you?" He asked, studying her as best he could through the window.

"I'm fine," she assured him but he gave her an unimpressed look.

"Lena."

"I got some stitches, there's some bruising, nothing to worry about." She was downplaying it and they both knew it. She knew it because she had nine stitches under her ribs on her left side towards her back on top of the bruising that came with landing too hard which made it hard for her to even move her arm. He knew it because he saw it as it happened. She didn't see the cut, it was out of her line of sight and she wasn't tempted to try, but the panicked look on Calum's face as Coach ran to her was not something she would forget any time soon.

"I'm sorry."

"It was an accident."

"But-" he tried and she knew he would continue to try and take the blame if she let him talk.

"Calum, were you trying to hurt me?"

"Of course not!" He exclaimed, loud enough for her to worry her mum may have heard it, but she didn't really care.

"Then accept it wasn't your fault, and that I'm fine," she said, but he was still looking anxiously at her. "Just get in," she said, sounding exasperated and moving back so he could climb through the window. "See? I'm fine," she joked, motioning to herself once he was in and he stopped, looking at her.

Calum seemed to determine she was fine because, after a few seconds, she was being pulled into him. The hug would've been tight enough to leave her breathless on a good day, and it felt good after the day she had, but she couldn't stop the pained whimper that escaped her when his arm hit the stitches.

"Shit, sorry," he reacted by letting go of her, taking a few steps back, guilt back to twisting his features when she winced as she touched her side, "are you okay?"

"We already established that I'm fine," she said, closing the distance between them again and wrapping her arms around his middle, "but you won't be if you don't hug me back in the next second," she threatened, hiding her face on the crook of his neck when he didn't move, "I know you got scared but I was the one that was stuck in the ER, so can you just fucking hug me?" She complained, grabbing his arms and placing them around her shoulders and he laughed, tightening his arms around her.

"Are you sure you're fine?" He asked, his face hidden in her hair and she chuckled.

"They let me out of the hospital so how bad could it be?" She mumbled into his skin, before stepping away from him.

"I'm so fucking sorry," he said and she cocked her head, looking at him.

"Hey, all you did was kick a ball," she said, fighting the urge to reach for his hand or caress his cheek given the way he was looking at her.

"I shouldn't have-"

"Oh sure, the footballer shouldn't have kicked a ball,” she interrupted him, rolling her eyes and giving him an unimpressed look, “it was a streak of bad luck, Cal, you had no way of knowing I wasn't gonna be able to catch that, no one in the school had any idea that nail had been dislodged and it sure as fuck was bad luck that I managed to miss the step and land in a way that made that nail drag across my-" she stopped talking when he flinched, and they stared at each other for a beat before his expression softened.

"You're not usually this logical," he pointed out and she shrugged.

"I've been trying to convince mum it wasn't your fault all afternoon," she complained, letting out a dramatic groan and he shook his head.

"Why?"

"She took my phone because you wouldn't stop texting, I needed to do something.”

"So that's why you haven't been answering?"

“Obviously, when did I not answer you?” She said, giving him an annoyed look and he chuckled, “also I had a feeling I might have to convince you you didn't do anything wrong."

“I’m still unconvinced,” he said and she frowned at him.

"If you need me to say it, I forgive you for forgetting I have no athletic inclination," she joked, playfully hitting his chest and he nodded.

"Yeah, what was I thinking believing you could catch a ball without landing yourself in the ER," he deadpanned, and something about it had her breaking down laughing before feeling the stitches and stopping, touching her side.

"Don't make me laugh, it hurts," she complained with a pained chuckle and his face went serious again.

"Did they tell you how long?" Calum asked, scratching his neck.

"I have to go back next week to get the stitches out, but the doctor said the bruising from the way I landed may last longer.”

"This sucks."

"Maybe it will leave a cool scar," she shrugged, pressing her lips together, and he sighed.

"I should go before your mum catches me in here," he said, pointing back to the window and she nodded.

"Okay."

"I'll see you in school tomorrow?" He asked and she shook her head.

"I have a doctor's note, so probably not."

"Right,” he agreed, thinking for a second before adding, “I'll stop by after practice then, bring your homework, maybe your mum will let me in then."

"I'll continue to try and convince her it wasn't your fault."

"Thanks," he kissed the side of her head, moving back to the window, but he stopped before he reached it, "Lena?" He said, turning back, and she scratched her neck.

"Yeah?"

"I love you," he said, stepping back closer to her and she blinked at him a couple of times.

"I know, I don't need to hear it just because I got hurt," she said, tucking her hair behind her ear. It was not like they had never said that to each other before, hell, Calum would end every call with a cheerful “love ya” when he was in Brazil a few months back, but the look on his face felt too serious.

"But I need to say it, you're my best friend, and today sucked, so I need to say it,” he explained, his face intense and Lena wasn’t sure how to react.

“Sweetheart,” she breathed, but she wasn't sure what she wanted to say, so she just moved to wrap her arms around his waist again, "I love you too," she said, head on his chest when he wrapped his arms around her, "you're, like, my favorite person in the planet."

"So can we not go all deep and emotional? At least not right now," she asks, crossing her arms on the table and leaning her chin on top of it, looking at him with pleading eyes, making him laugh and lean back in his seat.

"I'm all for following your lead, remember?"

"Right," she nods, feeling her cheeks heating up as she watches him.

She's not really thinking when she pulls out her phone and snaps a picture of him, the spoon in his mouth and chocolate on his cheek making her act before she processes what she's doing.

"What was that?" Calum asks with a chuckle, raising an eyebrow at her and she shrugs, putting the phone facing down on the table before she can stare at the picture for too long.

"You have chocolate on your cheek."

"So you just took a picture?"

"Yeah," she nods, smiling when it takes him a few tries to clean his cheek.

"Why?"

"Because you're cute," she blurts out, her eyes widening when she notices she said it out loud and he laughs.

"Thanks?"

"Yeah," she drops her forehead to her arms for a second, before looking back at him, letting out a "hey" and sitting up straight when he takes a picture of her too.

"Gotta keep things fair," he teases and she can't help but laugh.

"Idiot," she complains, focusing on her almost-finished ice cream.

"You started it," he shrugs, smiling at her. It's not until that moment that it occurs to her that this feels like a date. And she doesn't know how to feel about it. "Love?" He frowns at her, maybe she's wearing her feelings on her face, and she shakes her head.

"Sorry, I got-" she starts but her phone buzzes in a familiar pattern that lately makes her skin crawl. And she stares at it as it does it again. And a third time that makes her grimace at it like it's radioactive.

"What's wrong?" Calum asks, eyebrows furrowed as he studies her and she sighs.

"Sylvia," she explains, picking the phone up and unlocking it, it would be worse if she ignored it, clicking the notification to find an inquiry as to what she's doing and if she was with Calum and a link. To fucking Twitter. With a picture of them.

"Fuck that was fast," Lena mumbles, sliding in the seat so she could get closer to him to show him the texts.

"Still don't care?" He asks when he finishes reading it and she shakes her head.

"Nah, we look cute," she says, pulling the tweet her manager had linked her to and showing it to him. The picture really is cute, the wilder angle getting the whole booth, her arms crossed on the table, her chin leaning into them as she looks at him, and he's smiling at her, leaning back against the seat. But it does have her looking at the window from where she thinks it was taken.

"What do you think would happen if I liked this?" Calum asks, snapping her out of her thoughts and making her giggle.

"Chaos?"

"And if I retweeted and tagged you?" He has a mischievous glint in his eyes that makes her raise an eyebrow at him.

"I thought I was the one doing stupid shit?"

"Why is it stupid?" He challenges and she presses her lips together.

"I don't know."

"Wait, I have a better idea," he says, pulling out his phone and she laughs when she realizes what he's planning.

"You do remember I don't have access to my official accounts anymore, right?"

"Good thing you're not the only one in this then," he teases, bopping her nose, making her laugh.

"Can I at least see the picture before you do whatever you're about to do?"

"Nah."

"But-"

"Relax, it's a good picture," he says, posting it to his story and she shakes her head, feeling resigned.

"Okay then, give me your phone."

"Why?"

"We might as well go all out," she says, sending the picture she took earlier to him and putting her phone down while taking the phone from his hand and sliding closer to him.

"No soft-launching then, huh?" She laughs, after hitting post, clicking on the bubble with his picture to see the picture he posted of her. And it's a bit weird for her to see the fond look in her eyes as she looks at a point slightly above the camera, so she leans back in the seat. Only realizing Calum had his arm on the seat behind her when she hit it, and suddenly she's extremely aware that she's pressed against his side. Even more when he drapes his arm around her shoulders.

"It's not like I never posted anything with you before," he says, accepting the phone she's handing back.

"You haven't in a while, though, or me posting you for that matter," she says, relaxing into him, even if just unconsciously, her head dropping to his shoulder. "Should we get out of here before someone finds out where we are and decides to come check?" She adds after a beat and he nods.

"I think yes," he says, sliding out and offering her his hand, she takes it and lets him hold it on the way back to her car.

"I don't wanna drive, though," she tells him, crinkling her nose while offering him her car keys. And the laugh she gets in response is enough to keep her smiling all the way home.

_____

I don't have a taglist but hit me up if you want to be tagged.

#wjdbieo #calum hood fanfic #5sos fanfic #5sos fic #calum hood fic #i still dont know how to tags fics yay lslskslsmslslsoks

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maddestmewmew · 1 year

Note

opinions on ghosts?

ok trying to get into my 2am mindset for this but also dont set ur expectations 2 high cuz this isnt something nobody has said before thats for sure lol.

i dont believe in proper ghosts. i think the idea that a "soul" or "energy" coming back, refusing to go to the afterlife bc of some "unfinished business". thats just not real sorry. i really WANT to believe in ghosts! i wanna look at a building that someone died in and go "that someone is still here". who doesnt? who doesnt wish someone lost was still right next to them? who would wanna know theyre really, truly alone?

ghosts arent real. not in the literal sense. but the whole thing thats going around, "haunt the narrative", thats how ghosts Are real, at the same time. everywhere you look, you stumble across small ghosts.

someone died in your school. dont worry this is purely hypothetical. but someone died in your school. or maybe they moved away. or maybe they graduated, or dropped out. either way. someone you saw every day, even just because you had the same route to classes, theyre gone. to you, theyre gone forever.

but theyre not. of course its not that simple. because you had the same route, from class to class. next week, you start your trek. you step foot outside english class, and the next foot carries you further. step after step. but now, theres no one with you. no one to echo your footsteps. as you walk through the hall, you realize, despite the bustling crowd, you are completely alone.

you never talked to them. you never caught their name. youre not even sure why they stopped showing up to school.

but you know now. you Literally walk this path alone.

so next year, when you find someone that takes the same route, you find yourself striking up a conversation. you see their laugh, the way their eyes sparkle. you become friends, and when you walk, you squeeze their hand tight, afraid to ever let go.

is that not itself a ghost? the character in this story, the hypothetical "you", while they didnt ever even know the first person, theyre haunted by them. they bothered to find someone else, to cling to them, out of fear, but also out of love, out of regret for memories never made, bonds never forged. you are haunted.

and, that other post, about how we carry a bit, just a bit, of everyone weve lost, one way or another. are those not ghosts? my eye passes over one of my clown dolls, and i feel a pang of guilt, of anger. One of my ex friends gave me that doll, it was the last conversation we ever had. Is it not haunted? hes not dead, but hes gone forever to me. i repeat certain phrases because of him, are they not haunted? am i not haunted?

even if you die never knowing a single person. if you live wild in the woods and everyone you knew before that is also dead. you still haunt the world. your bare footprints in the mud. the maggots that chew at your eyes. the flowers that sprout through your ribcage. small memories of you, that will carry and echo through the world, to say "we have lost." yet you continue to haunt. youre a ghost.

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carelesstemper · 6 months

Text

I feel like a terrible person

I shouldn’t feel the way I do and maybe this whole infatuation is just built on deeper issues with me. I think I hold on to this cause I feel wanted. Even though he doesn’t physically tell me, its in the gestures and the second glances. Like two stupid idiots holding onto this idea of happiness we see in each other. Idk, Im just trying to justify this because it feels right. I havent felt this way since RD. and like, Im just remembering how easy it was to just hold onto this false image of love and place these ideas onto this person because he shows me an ounce of attraction or attention. Theres parts of him I really like and other parts that I don’t know if I can be okay with.

The reason why I feel terrible is bc Im technically the other woman. Its never anything physical but completely like, emotional. He has this life and his shit together. On the outside it just looks like he has it all. And maybe im wrong. Obviously im wrong.

And whats even worse is its not just this one sided thing I can get over easily. He strings me along and he knows. He is very much aware and my friends tell me well he’s shitty and hes never going to leave her no matter how much he tells you he wants you more. But when I talk to him I just don’t feel like what they say is true.

Im also just scared that I feel just a little bit more. I mean there are times when I can acknowledge that hes not what i want and hes the last person I want to be associated with but then theres other times where I feel lonely and I feel like no one wants me and its so easy to go to him to get that validation. The affection i crave. Its like the fairy tale kind of thing whenever Im around him and maybe I shouldn’t say it. He feels like what I’ve been searching for my entire life and maybe thats a bit extreme and I honestly feel ashamed to say it. But if i don’t then its bottled up inside and I want to scream. Its so wrong and perhaps thats what pulls me in more. Would I feel this way towards him if he didn’t have all this other stuff going on? Would I enjoy his company even if he was single and had that freedom to be with me?

Its like this dramatic love story with a crazy plot and it has you feeling and wishing that the girl gets the guy in the end. I don’t think that this is how it’s going to end. I feel like from this point on i need to actually move on. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I don’t know if I can. But I wont know unless I try.

I don’t want to be that girl who gets in the middle of another persons relationship for my own selfish reasons. I don’t want to end up being the girl who thinks he wouldn’t do it to me too. I don’t want to be the terrible person.

Idk this whole thing just has me questioning my morals. My belief system. Its not entirely my fault. I knew what I was getting into too but I didn’t think it would come to this. Its so hard to stop feelings from growing when you keep putting yourself in the same environment where that person is.

I think theres something we’re both lacking in our lives that brings us to each other in drunken moments. Something that has us slipping into conversations we’re too scared to have when we’re sober.

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kath-artic · 6 months

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im all mixed up right now and i feel so selfish

like outside of the whole 'still wanting this guy even though hes seeing someone now' thing, i feel so torn up and selfish because one of my closest friends is closer than id like her to be. i know the way i hurt people when they get close because i know myself and im not the kind of person that can devote myself to everyone around me 24/7. at least im not that person anymore. i had a really close friend in high school who i loved dearly and we talked about everything, but after a while he started saying we were exactly the same and treating me like a father figure and it shrunk me down in a way that made me uncomfortable, but i didnt know how to express that at the time because i didnt know how to be a person at that time. when i broke up with my last partner i cut ties with most people because i was so distraught and felt id lost my whole center of self, and this friend took that silence personally. to him it was abandonment, and i suppose it was selfish. i owed him an explanation. i know friendships arent meant to be easy and i was a coward for not confronting the situation after finding out that he felt that way. he cut me off because of it and im sorry i never apologized. i told myself i didnt want to have to justify the fact that i was suicidal, but that wasnt why i didnt give him an explanation. i didnt explain because i frankly was tired of being faced with a past version of myself who kept insisting we were the same. i was tired of being so close to something that held no mystery anymore. i didnt really want to go back when i was starting to find myself. it was a fucked up and cowardly thing to do and i shouldve been honest with him instead of continuing my silence. anyway, the point is i habe friends now who remind me of past versions of me. they dont say we're the same, but they seem to think they understand me completely even though i know they dont (and thats okay. i dont expect them to, i just wish they would be more open to the idea that there are parts of me they might not get instead of trying to squeeze me into a box of things they DO get). they also rely on me the same way. every decision is run past me, activities are only carried out if they involve me. one of my friends just started calling me their best friend and i wouldnt think much of it if they didnt make such a big deal out of being anxious about it and now its got ME anxious because clearly it means a lot to them and i knowwww the kind of space i need and the way ive disappointed those whove put me on this pedestal before. same friend just invited themselves to something im doing with another friend and now they keep texting me for details and i dont know what to do. i frankly dont really want them to come and its for no reason other than i see them too often and the plans i made were kind of special for me and the friend i made them with.

ugghhhh i just never know when im being an asshole. when establishing boundaries is me overstepping someone else's. how uncomfortable i should be willing to get for another person. i guess thats just the way it goes though. i dont know that theres such a thing as a right answer to this. i think sometimes people have boundaries and needs that are incompatible and sometimes we have to be willing to bend and other times we have to be willing not to push. thats why its important to know more than one person, you know? whats 'too far' for one person might not be for another

this is all besides the point. the problem is that for as brutally honest as i can be about certain things, im terrible at being honest about my own boundaries/needs. i didnt get with that guy because i didnt know how to be honest about the fact that i really liked him. i shouldve just said that i enjoyed our conversation instead of trying to play it cool or whatever dumb shit i did. and i lost one of my closest friends because i didnt tell him i needed more space. i owe it to this friend to be honest about that.

#personal rant #<- me when i start tagging my shit. dont count on me remembering to do it in the future tho lol #if youre following me i assume you know by now that you signed up to my diary

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babysxbreathe · 2 years

Text

Clearly, i love deeply. Unapologetically. Loud and proud.

I cant sleep right now. I had a dream about Ricky last night and ive just had a ton of them recently with him so i’ve got to thinking all day today on it. I dont want to reach out because i dont wanna do what he did to me when he messaged Fran on separate occasions and i found out about.

I remember he would tell me ‘’he didn’t” and that he got hacked and all these other bullshit lies 😒 so i totally stopped trusting him. And in a lot of ways I know I didnt provide a safe space for him to tell me the truth. We were also kids. But i know he had a good ass heart. My family loved him and to this day my grandpa asks about him and where he went 🙄. But yeah. If he’s still with the girl he left me for then i have no intention of messaging him again. I dont wanna disrespect her and cross any lines. But i do hope one say we have that conversation. Especially since he didnt even face me when he broke up with me. I think i got ptsd from that relationshp but ive learned a lot from it.

He taught me love. Like that was my first love. First EVERYTHING. I think i still have the note of our “first underwater kiss” lmao we were so toxic jesus christ. On and off on and off. From that relationship i learned that im huge on honesty. Its the biggest thing i look for in a person. Also, he was able to provide what i want in a relationship like being shown off and being protected and he was very secure about himself. Like he NEVER told me he thought he looked ugly. He had this confidence that i always wanted (and now i do have) he got along with all types of people and didnt give a fuck about what others thought of him. He just wanted to live life and love hard.

Those are the exact types of people i surround myself with now a days anyway. I finally got to that level but i know i can still improve and continue to tweak things out so im proud of myself of how far ive come.

Enzo…. Honestly my dude, u didnt teach me MUCH except like knowing how it felt to have someone being needy and love bomby too soon and why its a red flag. Im sure you’ve gotten better now that you’re married and i def wish you the best but i dont think i was ready for a relationship with you at the time lol. Im sure theres a few more but our relationship didnt impact me till you gave me herpes and told me i probably got it from Ricky 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

Jose. This one is very much still fresh. I have love for you, but i dont love you. Im sorry i tried to change you. You’re not a project but i was very much correct to have broken up with you in the first place and i wish i stayed broken up with you so this second ending wouldnt have been so intense as it was. I think during the first breakup, i was just depressed. My body and mind really only saw the good in you because we were friends for so long first. And now i look back and i wouldnt even want a friend like you. Not because you arent funny and cool to hang out with but your priorities are so out of wack. With the whole Sam Claudia and Hillary situation like i feel compelled to say that i genuinely believe you’re going about it the wrong way. I think you were so polar opposite to ricky that i thought it would help make me feel like you can help me fix myself. But we just were not compatible in any way shape or form.

I thought you were quiet because you were respectful, turns out you just dont know how to communicate or confront people correctly. You did teach me patience. You gave me the opportunity to learn who i was and what i want and what i need and require from people and helped be there for me and gave me the push to go to therapy. Now that ive been going to therapy for over a year, im so happy that i found myself. I sometime miss you, i cant lie. But your friends arent all great people, you guys always have some drama going around and you don’t have boundaries. You’re very much a people pleaser but i guess i was like that too before therapy. We def mirrored each other a lot until i started going to therapy and then i felt like i was trying to carry you ahead with me hut you decided to stay behind. I hate how you would disrespect me when you were mad, how petty you got and how when you were angry you would give me sarcasm and raise your voice. I hate that you would stop talking to me for hours on end during these times when communication was needed the most. I hate that you would never post about me, compliment me on your own, plan dates, or understand me. I hate that you would always keep me at arms length, you never asked me out officially again, you would get mad at me for things i wasnt allowed to get mad at. I hate how you would only bring up your feelings of resentment when i would express mine first then trying to make it about you. I hate that you wouldnt really listen, you would just try to fix the conversation. I hate that i never felt understood and that so many of our photos i would remember crying at least once. I have so many photos of me crying with you. When you would prioritize your friends before me and me before your family. Like cmon jose, you’ll understand when you’re older but yeah jeez. You were really mean when you got mad. Super duper mean. I meant it when i said you were the most disrespectful boyfriend i had. Genuinely. And i wish it werent true but jesus i never felt so humiliated than when you ignored me crying while we were all together with your friends. While you laughed and talked to them knowing i was crying right next to you and they would ask me if i needed tissues. Also the time during the disney trip with my friends and how you just looked at your phone on the couch while i was crying in sammys room and she had to bitch at you because everyone could hear i was crying but you didnt care to do anything. I dont get it. I never understood you. Theres just things you have to figure out for yourself like i did with myself.

I know i wish ricky wouldve still been my friend because he was a good guy in general and enzo was JUST a good friend but when i think about jose im like damn, you are not a person i would want as a friend in general. Im just at such a different place in my life and im looking for specific qualities in people. You got a lot of growing up to do. I apologize for my own mistakes in our relationship. I know i wasnt perfect but i know i def tried harder than any other ex i was with. This relationship was a very much more real love for me. Like a self aware love. And ill always be grateful for what i learned with jose and how ill never put up with the things jose put me through ever again.

#crickyricky #me #mine #just some thoughts #space cowboy #🍐

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alberivh · 3 years

Text

Hati Yang Berjarak

known as ‘a long distance heart’ ; a tale of a long distance relationship between two internet acquaintances that weren’t (always) and never meant to be with one another. even if death was the consequences, it’s still hard to pretend that we were better off alone.

diluc x gn!reader

MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH, slight unrequited love, mutual pining, fluff to angst, heavy angst, sad ending, comfort/hurt (mostly hurt), anxiety, implied terminal ilness.

a/n ; been a while since i had the motivation to write angst like this, it’s a pretty short one indeed because i don’t have enough time to write a full oneshot. I hope you all like this though. Listen to “i love you so” for the second to the last part or “rises the moon” for the first part (reblogs and comments are very much appreciated)

Moonlight flash through the open windows, leaving a flash off nights and beauty. Scarred stars seek it’s true nature, standing beyond the darkest night the universe serve. Silence passionately await your words, breath as heavy as a feverish dream. They begun to drop it’s beat, into a freshly made lullaby to cover your excitement. To greet a friend, they said. But it seem more likely to be a wish upon the planets of the milky ways…that you could be his…or he could be yours. The far distance between each other was merely a fate, it’s more likely to be a destiny. After all, both of you are more than friends..and are more likely to be in each other benefits. So maybe those are the reason why, you both aren’t (really) meant to be..

The phone immediately rang the second you left your last message to a person you’re directly involved with. Not a single chance that your heartbreat drops into a miles of butterflies..excitement, and thoughtful dreams. The smile in your face were drawn into a vivid colorization. To a detailed prescriptions of happiness. So you pick it up, not refusing the chance to answer his phone calls. It was already a great pleasure to know him, but being a selfish bastard you are to enjoy his soothing voice..was something you wanted to feel, in every moment of your life. Because once you feel it..you couldn’t let go of it’s warm. If he was here from the beginning, i’ll be the most selfish brat in the whole world.

he greets, silently. His camera was off..that’s quiet odd. The room he’s in was pretty sorrow you guessed, there are some voice you could recognize as well…like, his brother argues which was audible and his father, crepus, raspy yet…anxious voice. Those voice were so unfamiliar, yet the person who spoke it are some-what meant something for you. Hoarse and hints of dehydration lingers through your ears as soon as he spoke out his words; making a question that never swift from your soft tongue; Leaving mind in questioning marks, rather than an answer to keep your mind in company. You were confused, indeed..Diluc never called me when he was outside, where is he?

“my apology for the noises, i just moved to another place, father says theres no use for me to stay inside his mansion…so he decided to put me into a new place…” , diluc’s breath could be heard across of your empty room, leaving a soft whisper to the wind. different from the nature he’s in, he could barely even heard his own breath, it was pretty suffocating to describe. the hoarseness from his talk was indescribable, yet the warm within the articulation he ought, never failed to soothe your mind.

so you did like you always do, ignoring the difference between both of your condition. Trying to begin the earlier disturbed-conversation by teasing him, you began to realized how relaxing it is to listen to his rambles…well, generally him. Just him.

“oh? That’s quiet new..i thought you’re a young lad who always follow his father ground rules around, no? Haha”

“Pfft, that’s quiet a statement you got there, not now though, i got something that i should take care of..so, tell me about your day first and i tell you mine, as always (name).” Replying your teases with another chuckle and sigh, he greeted your ears with a well connected feeling. Butterflies. Like a gentleman he is, he always and will never forgot about asking your days. Diluc never forgot his manner, even if he would, maybe that would only be a dream…because diluc was perfect and would never failed the society expectation.

“go ahead, i’ll listen. Not that i would fall asleep just like that, would i?” , assuring the atmosphere once more, diluc put the volume in a higher state. So he could hear you, so he could listen to your rambles..talks..or just ideas. he wants to make this a safe place for you. He wants to listen, time is precious after all..and maybe you’re one of the things he wants to adore.

“…i guess this wouldn’t hurt, hm? then…would you mind if i rant several things to you?”

“go ahead”

exchanging a few moments of breath, before continuing your words. The atmosphere was quiet divine, especially when diluc is around. He’s always been so…gentle and understanding, it made you fall for him. Even if it was an unrequited tale, loving someone from afar didn’t hurt a bit..well, yeah, it is. But who are you to be against it? Aren’t you a selfless bastard who only wants him to be happy?

Stuttering at the first sentence; not being able to stay collectedly calm for some-reason. He assures you once more with a whisper of ‘take your time’.

“the diagnosis card has been sent, i-i don’t know what to do in this poin…my breathing sucks, life is hell..but all i wanted was to live as a normal being.”

“diluc, what if we couldn’t meet as we promised before? Just..w-what if when we met i’ve already die? I don’t like that, fuck. No no fuck, i’m sorry i shouldn’t be so emotional, i’m sorry..i—“

“..why are you apologizing?” He sigh. It’s a gentle sigh, to relaxed a certain situation, they said. Diluc never been so harsh, even if he was harsh, maybe that’s just show how blunt he was at a certain statements and you like that nature of his, he’s truthful and realistic but sometimes, you feel as if he was hiding something.

“(name) dear, live for whatever the reason it is and as long as you want to, let’s just promised to stay connected alright? We could always talk like this every now and then, and Obviously we could meet, totally, well-no, positively. That’s my promise…always have been. Send me your location and i’ll send mine too, we’ll meet at anywhere you want too and then we c—“

“..you promise you wouldn’t leave me…? Even in this state?”

“well? Why wouldn’t i? And to continue, then we c—“

“Then let’s meet each other at your new place! I’ll be grateful to see you and your now new place hehe, just promised me that we will have the nicest hugs and and…uhh yeah! We could have hot chocolate milks together..and we could also have a cooking session and movie marathon!” Cutting his talks, diluc seems more willing to listen to your plans. After-all, in this way..it meant he has suceed to make you feel a bit..well, convenient. He likes that, but never in the second that pass he has ever swift his tongue out. Even if it meant for him to forget that confession exist, and that his bluntness aren’t always harsh…it sometimes better to keep all of this feeling to his own self. So you, from all of the person he keep as a probability to adore…would at least be safe. He scoffs out a laugh at the end, leaving you an only question. are you really happy now, diluc?

“…thank you for being here (name)”

— and i never could have say i love you nor i like you, to the point i couldn’t define what emotion am i feeling. This feels like an unrequited love, even if i knew what do you feel about me. Because once i confess, you were no longer in my reach. I wanted to be with you,

“you’re being so sappy, diluc.. pfft”

— thus i thought i could say i love you for staying and listening to me. Never that i thought you would know how is it feels, but this unrequited and backlashed of honesty, makes me sick, but i’m still willing to stay. Because once i get over the fact i’m in love, i’ll probably die out of bore. And maybe that’s the best, for us to realized; We were not meant to be.

“diluc when are you free?”

“…w-why did you ask?” Voice gone hoarse and more of in edged, replacing the warm with thousand of crumbles behind it. You seek his gentle nature, but for once…it have slowly disappear to thin dusked of stars. Leaving you once again in wary. What happened diluc? Don’t you like the place? Did anything happened between you and your father? All of those things you wanted to ask, like a friend should. It’s been almost 3 weeks ever since he moved to a new different place, though ever since he moved..those voices that lingers became more unfamiliar and more…sorrow? Kaeya’s drowning voice was audible yet, the words that were said kept your nights insanely deprived and doubtful. A surgery…huh? What does that even mean? Is kaeya sick?

“i have a ticket to monstadt at april…so maybe i could visit you at that time, what’d you say?”

“oh? Hmm..i-i don’t know either, but you may visit me if that’s necessary…i’m fine with it”

“huh?…alright then..” — is he alright? Why his voice sounds so weak now? I mean yeah, it’s technically 1am now..but he rarely sleep at these time…so i guess, this might be a drastic change? Especially now, the strange noise beside him sounded more like a heartrate machine? What happened, Diluc? Why won’t you tell me?

silence befall upon you both as soon as you ordered the ticket. It was quiet awkward for both of you to fall silently just like this in the middle of a call. But nonetheless, you do whatever it takes to make the conversation flow as before.

“diluc are you o—“ , the murmuring consciousness and the snores. Oh god, he fall asleep in our call for the sixth time this week..

today was the same day like before, how he fall asleep suddenly and would never woke up until he realized you ended the call…how he would never realized he fall asleep and make you more worried. The stars were so bright tonight, the husky whisper of thin air prevent you from asking the question through an unconscious mind in your phone. Such A beautiful momentary distraction, indeed. Though the concern that covered your internal thoughts couldn’t be recovered any longer. You stayed with his adoring lies, knowing it wouldn’t last long for you to finally knew what was happening.

why won’t you tell me what’s happening in the beggining if i knew how harsh it is to feel this way..?

[name] 10.45 pm , April 270th

diluc! Wanna have a phonecall? I’m free at the moment and i would like it if we could have sometimes off together hehe :)

[dilucragnvindr] 10.50 pm , April 20th

i’m sorry i have something coming up…would you mind to just text me then? i promised i’ll reply, just be patient for a while alright?

[name] 10.51pm , April 20th

ah is that so? well that’s alright! You may answer this later hehe, just tell me if you need anything diluc, i’ll be happy to help! ^_^

diluc, what happened? you recently avoided me for wanting to spend time with you by phone calls. Nor have you told me about your days as if i were an observant brat who would know what are you hiding. Last time we’re calling one another, the machine i guess was louder..and your grasp of breath are pressured…what happened? Diluc, i know this isn’t much but please, why are you so selfless? It wouldn’t hurt for me to know what’s happening because…if i were to lose track, that would hurt the most. So please for once, why can’t you be honest about your condition when you’re here while i needed your the most. That’s unfair.

[name] 10.53pm , April 20th

I was thinking about buying you gifts when i’m visiting you later, do you have any interest in mind…or uh, do you want cookies? Or maybe embroidery? Or how about fontaine specialty? I have many things i would like to share with you but i don’t know if it would fit on my bags hehe

oh! And i was thinking about going to monstadt at 25th, are you free?

ah and how about the 30th? You’re free right?

oh wait nevermind, i have doctor’s appointment at 1st so my last day at monstadt would be at…the 30th…so i guess i’ll just go there at the 25th! I hope you’re okay with that!

[dilucragnvindr] 11.08 pm , April 20th

that wouldn’t be inconvenient…yeah, feel free to visit me anytime, i hope i’m free though, so we could spend our time as we promised before. :D

should i ask him then…?

[name] 11.12pm , April 20th > sent

diluc, are you okay? You seems so exhausted sometimes at our phonecalls, do you have any moments to take a break or such?

diluc? > ✖︎ message couldn’t be sent to dilucragnvindr

Fuck. Just like yesterday. He never talks about himself, nor that if he wanted to talk about it. Such a selfless bastard, why did you care so much about me when all i knew you were in a state of nothing? Diluc why did you took me as a foolish brat? I want you to be alright, just once i wanted you to be honest with you and your stability. even if the one who make me suffered from unrequited love was to break. I rather be dead.

[name] 11.30pm , April 24th > sent

I’m on my way to the airport, kind of excited indeed…but i’m pretty scared..i hope my breathing ventilator doesn’t broke in the middle of overseas haha

i also hope you would like my treats! Well, fontaine snack and treats are very popular after all hehe, and oh..yes! Muffins! I heard you like chocolate muffins so i made one for you..

[name] 11.33pm , April 24th. > sent

anyways diluc, have a great night! Till we met again (irl HAHAHHA), alright? See you!

dilucragnvindr ; last seen at April 24th , 09.32am

[name] 03.21am , April 25th. > sent

FINALLY ARRIVED AT MONSTADT WOO FUCKING HOO, oh god why is it so hot in here

compared to fontaine..this place is indeed more..friendly? Uh i don’t know how to explain but i might enjoy this trip very much

[name] 03.27am , April 25th. > sent

especially on meeting you luc, pfft

[name] 03.29am , April 25th. > sent

fuck, gotta go luc, see you soon at, hm..the 30th i guess!

dilucragnvindr ; last seen at April 24th , 09.32am

[name] 09.12am , April 28th. > sent

i lost the fucking connection for about 3 days now…sigh

Monstadt is amazing…i love it so so much??? Is this the reason why you stayed?

[name] 09.12am , April 28th. > sent

I’ve been exploring a lot and woah, it never failed to impress me…i love your neighborhood so much!

dilucragnvindr ; last seen at April 24th , 09.32am — and will never reply to chat any longer.

the grooveling sounds of footsteps melted your exhausted limb. The sharp wind glaze upon your skin, leaving your eyes awoken in pressures. It was 2am in the morning..and probably too early for someone to found a stranger sitting in front of their terrace. you were waiting for diluc to come and called out your name, but it was too late to let him know your sudden upcoming, so you fell to the dream realm, laying your head in the stone near the wide garden. worried past when you heard diluc’s scream at the edge of your dream, like a paralyzation crawling to your neck just to scream another nightmare.

blanket tucked onto your body, warm and fresh; like a caramel scent…you found yourself in a center sight of a gentleman in front of you. All you ever knew was how you were so exhausted that you fall asleep in their terrace. You could see the glances and spot of some familiar eyes and well…a similarity with a friend your search for.

Swiping off the lingering felt of the blanket, you reach out the edge of it’s soft clothing. “you’re finally awake, (name)” , was the sound that greeted your bland body. the sound that disrupted your moment with him. The sound that kept you awake from falling to another dream…too familiar…it must be a dream. It must be. Theres no way such a thing would be so close to home.

“….who are you?”

“diluc’s brother, kaeya alberich.” — that’s quiet the news, isn’t it? Knowing we both were shocked by the fact you’re here…just to see him, correct?

“pfft..the blue hair boy that push his phone to the bathtub, why are you in here...i don’t recall anything as fancy as this couch what happened?”, you asked. Nearly your voice was audible to kaeya’s ears..it was weak…in fact it was too quiet to be count as a voice.

staying beside the counter of the couch, kaeya began to prepare some snacks for you. A guest snacks, a special one in fact. There are some letters behind the counter of the coffee table, it was all managed terribly. Even your vision couldn’t recall the writing at all. It was probably too early to even ask anything related to him; but nonetheless…you have no other option but to make everything as fast as you could. Excitement and anxiety was a pain to be presumptuous.

“kaeya…where’s diluc..?” — and here i thought you would ask if you were dying..such a dumb question for these lovers to please. what did they even think about about one another while the other was alive? Death or being able to confess? Fools.

kaeya strokes the hair beside your face, putting his hands to covered your cold palm. Relaxing the gaze upon your so-called lively eyes. He’s there to witness something you can’t, he’s there to comfort his own self but not theirs, but his mouth couldn’t say anything more than a simple word to end all of your curiosity. He was too scared to explain, he witness death…but not to the extent where he would predict what will they felt…numbness, sorrow, grief? Or just a simple denial? Archons…kaeya was clueless. He can’t explain anything.. he saw someone lose their ownself over words and it makes him mad. What if he done the same to his brother’s treasure?

After all of these thoughts and anxiety…Kaeya broke his own thought. leaving a necessary yet, cruel words. One that simply exist but should have been denied, same as how he predict, he has no single thoughts left; he gone numb and missing. He knew what to do, avoid the consequences for ruining a sincere expectation. Where to ran? Was his last thought.

“dead, he died a few days ago.” — oh, as what we predicted. He died. ; brother…you put so much burden to every each one of us with your kindness…why are you so determined to make us happy, when all you did was to leave us at the end? That’s unnecessary…don’t you know how these letters you wrote meant nothing? Why are you so selfless? It’s stupid. If you could just be honest. Love them already. Why didn’t you confess your situation, your health, your everything just like a helpless person should?

Tears never flow, eyes grew red, cheeks gone pale..lips dried out in faint. Many promises fell and so do you. You’re unable to confess your own feelings, that’s the first thing you realized. You’re unable to love another, that’s for sure. Lastly, you finally realized that all of this happened, because he adores you. He’s willing to live and to love you.

‘You do know your time is short, obviously. So why won’t you just love them already?’

‘confess to them, love them. These letters meant nothing. You’re not here diluc, how can you not listen to the future you and your ownself predicted..? ‘

It was all a bullshit at the end. He died and he was nowhere in your reach. And he will never be yours. Tears never flow once more, tears never drop into droplets of grief. Limb gone missing and numb. And There would be no second time.

diluc…what are you dreaming of when you were asleep? Do you dream of the stars? Or the eternal happy ending you deserved? Or do you dream about

“can i confess now?”

“for sure, (name)”

“i love him”

“he loves you too”

“how did you know?”

“he think of you as the star, you know that?”

“how can i know? He’s dead”

“not when he promises you that he’ll live, eternally”

“a dead person couldn’t live eternally, that’s bullshit” denial never pass, the grief kaeya predict have never been found. anger was something you feel…at first sight. He lied to me, he doesn’t want me to know…and yet, i told him every single thing about me that are meant to be shut. Why didn’t he told me…why didn’t he just tell me what he wants, what he’s feeling, and how many times he had left. The stroking branches of numbness fade to a thousand of tears. It crawls to your cheekbones, ears, and the coldest part of your face…the drying dead lips.…what’s happening again? Why am i crying? I thought i promise i wouldn’t cry over another death… and my confession is late…my fucking confession is late.

He must be waiting for me to confess and i never listen to those flags. He was waiting for me to say i love you and i was waiting for him to say the same, but time was out and i have no seconds to range our space. Am i this foolish? He died in questions and i’m alive in grief. oh archons, may i love him again? May i apologize? May i tell him how much he meant to me? May i tell him just how much precious he is….?

do i owe the privilege for loving him?

standing beneath the birch tree near the wilderness of dawn winery. You exhale upon the breath of earth, the wisdom you seek, the loneliness you despises. All of it was mixture upon the leaves that falls to your eyelids, leaving no tears to dry or memories to pass. It’s been almost 5 years and here you are, unmovingly attached to his loyalty.

Preparing the muffins you used to make…warm embroidery and flowers, your eyes went to the marks of the stone. A beautiful name that was once dreamt to be yours.

to the memories of, Diluc Ragnvindr.

it took you a while to proceed this momentum. His gravestone was the peace you were looking for, yet the uncomfortable atmosphere of grief always surrounded you. Haven’t been able to confess, letting him die out of a late confession, that was a not so honored death, correct? Smoke out the thin lines of cigarettes, murmuring things that happened at the last past weeks. Your thoughts radicle to his smile. If he was here, what will he do? Stealing my muffin and kiss me? Ah, but he’s dead…then, so be it..

“happy birthday, diluc”

you clapped out a small token of appreciation and a whisper of i love you’s. His gravestone was just a remembrance, his love was neatly drawn onto your cracking puddle of anxiety and deprivation. It’s been 5 years and still, You’re waiting for him. To confess, to love, to reach out the space that were never meant to be yours.

reading the same crooked letters over and over, leaving the cigarettes burn the small edge of the paper. All Scent like memories, but not once you found the gentle affection within it. The calligraphic letters, the beautiful arranged words. What’s a confession for diluc? then it’ll be a form of goodbye, narrator.

“i wish i could reach you, diluc”

a sentences to show that they’ll never accept a goodbye.

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