stop the world cause I wanna get off with you.

Man, I don't know if I'm just being crazy or if this is for real life and it is just so fucking crazy. Maybe I just have low standards but oh my fucking god. This MAN. oh my lord this man..

When I first saw his pictures, I was like oh he's cute I hope he messages me. and then he did. and at first I was like ok whatever. Something to do I guess. then like the conversations just happened everyday and maybe it's too early to write about this now but I literally cannot stop thinking about him and I know that feeling will go away soon. but for the first time in what feels like forever I have someone to feel excited about. Something to look forward to. Something to keep me smiling and maybe it is temporary. Maybe this isn't even meant to be like a long term thing but honestly, maybe I am okay with that.

We have similar humour, and similar tastes in like everything. What gets me though.. what honestly just made this thing either worse or so so much better, is that he actually cares about what I have to talk about. What he likes about me is what I like about myself.

isn't that what I've been hoping and praying for? crying for and yearning for for ages? Someone who genuinely likes what I talk about and enjoys hearing what I have to say? Someone who appreciates and enjoys the world through my perspective..

I'm waiting for that feeling though. the self sabotage. I know it's coming. I kind of felt it this morning. It's like a homesick feeling. Like being in a new environment and being so uncomfortable that you just wanna cut everything off and hide under the covers. I know I'm gonna have to fight that away. Right now, I feel like I wouldn't. I won't. but I've said that before. I've literally been like this is it, this is the man that I'm going to do all these firsts with. Then one day, I'll see him as clingy and obsessive. When he's literally just asking about my day and tryna be cute to me. It's a good thing to have, but also the worst. Because instead of just jumping into something and having terrible experiences with men that don't care about me but at the same time it's hard to distinguish what's good from what's not. I don't wanna do that this time. I really like him :)

I'll probably come back in like a month being like oh well I tried. (even though I probably didn't) and then It'll be back to normal, feeling stupid for fumbling a great guy or just being heartbroken cause he didn't like me the way I liked him or something. I'm just trying so hard not to be so excited that I depend on his attention to have a good day. I don't know. We'll see I guess..

Saturday night thoughts

I just saw a video that was kind of depressing. I also thought it was kind of calm. It brought a sense of just, balance. I don't think that life is all sunshine. There are times when you feel ecstatic and elated but then there are times where all you see is the world outside of that bubble. What it lacks. I try not to, because it's so easy to sink to the bottom if I allow myself the time to do that. I love those moments though, when nothing is making me happy but nothing is making me sad. I am kind of just here. When music feels like it aligns with my state of mind. When the world feels still and you have the opportunity to just breathe. I am kind of scattered with this train of thought but, it's how you get better at writing right?

Life can be sad sometimes, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have purpose. Sometimes things are just going to feel dull and that's okay. I love being in the state of mind where just waking up and making a cup of coffee on a Sunday morning just feels serene. No hangover, no anxiety, just optimism for that moment. Nothing else matters except this cup of coffee I'm about to enjoy.

I've been so focused on what's going to happen in the future and what has already happened that I forget that the present is a thing. Something meant to be experienced. That I should just do my best in the moment and forget the sounds of tomorrow that taunt me with its endless possibilities.

I didn't get a birthday celebration last year because I was homeless. 25 is a big age to hit, and I was excited because I am officially in my mid twenties. I wanted to have it be something I could truly celebrate and have a nice cake, a decorated house, and friends to help me celebrate. That didn't happen. I lost my house due to unforeseen circumstances and so I didn't get anything.

What kind of pulls at my heart strings though, is what we did for my sister's birthday. Her best friend planned a secret dinner with us and all of our other friends. We went to the lake after and drank through the night until the next morning. It was great. I loved that for her. It was amazing. What got to me though, was the selfishness in myself. How come nobody planned a secret bash for me? How come nobody decided to plan something for me despite the circumstances? I just kept imagining what it would be like if someone were to do that for me. To go to those efforts to prove they love me. Not that I'm doubting it from the friends I have now, but it would have been nice to not expect anything special but then get surprised like that. I think it would have just shown me that I matter to someone. That I don't have to be the one to bring myself into the equation of friendship. That people just think of me because they love me. Idk. That was just my thought about my birthday.

lets hope 26 is the one to remember.

I have ached to be pretty

“ believe you me”

I just thought about how certain phrases don’t make sense in the english language. Then I wondered who would come up with these phrases. Would they misplace words and jumble them up by mistake? Would their friends make fun of them and make it an inside joke within the group? Would it then transfer over to a different friend and when asked what it meant they forget so they just come up with a definition? I wonder. I think it’s what i would do.

Because I've been single for this long, a lot of questions have come up from others. Am I a lesbian? am I asexual? am I scared?

I don't think it's any of that. I just haven't found my person. I don't think I'm the person to just date a figure things out as I go. I haven't found anyone I see myself being intimate with and not in the sexual sense. I don't want that to be the main aspect of the relationship. I think I'm at a period of my life where I'm done begging. I am done searching for something that isn't looking for me just yet. I'm starting to think that this is just how my story is supposed to go. Right now I am okay with being alone. (For the first time ever) and I think there is someone out there that will not come with precautious and uncomfortable feelings. I won't constantly question whether I want it and then deciding in the end that it's not before I even know it to be true. I feel, in this moment, that I don't need that kind of affection from someone and I know that I wouldn't be Able to give that type of affection to someone else. I just wouldn't be fair to them. When I look at relationships regarding myself and who that could be with, I do see myself being able to hug and cuddle with someone on a Saturday night while we watch all of our favourite movies. I see myself in a safe and healthy relationship someday. whether that's tomorrow or five years from now, I'm okay with that. Which feels great to say and to literally have some meaning to. Looking back at who I was, I was desperate for someone to look at me the way I see in movies and tv shows. I wanted those love stories that I read about and I might have been looking in the wrong places for that. I know I was looking in the wrong places. I feel sorry for her. I want to just go back and give her a hug and it makes me laugh. The suffering I used to be in. Live in. I could not have foreseen where I am now, completely content in my apartment just doing homework, listening to the same music, and reading a good book. Without someone to call mine. (ok, I could have probably seen me still being single but whatever) lol.

— A. Y.

Life just seems so much easier, does that make me a bad person?

For just cutting out the confusion by looking the other way, refusing to acknowledge the hurt I’ve caused because it allowed me to become comfortable again?

I often look back and wonder if just walking away was the right thing to do. I didn’t see it getting better and the more I ignored it the more apparent it was that this wasn’t just friendship but it was never going to become more than that. For the both of us.

I just wanna get my license, get through my first year of college, throw myself into home improvement and self improvement as well. get to know ME and get comfortable in the relationship i have with myself. I don’t want to worry about boys and whether or not they love me.

Its a waste of time.

How does one be completely secure in themselves so that they are able to just know that being themselves is great too?

Like, being able to look at other people’s achievements and be happy for them instead of using it as a way of looking at what isn’t great about yourself. To be the best version of yourself and know it was because you’re you and not a product of jealousy for others?

I know that being me is great, and that there are all these great things about me but then I look at other people and realize they’re doing these great things but then a part of me also realizes that maybe I’m not so great. What if I’m settling for this version of me rather than building a better version that I’m not even sure will ever exist? What if I’m pretending i’m okay with how I am because its better than putting in any real effort? Why is it so hard to put in the effort if I want those things for myself?

I want to be thin. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to just do things rather than think about doing them. But a small part of me thinks about reasons not to, and that being comfortable is more important.

I guess it helps that other people choose comfort over self improvement, like I’m not alone.

disconnected

Life is good. It has been good for a while, and a part of me thinks that suffering is what makes good writing.

This time last year, I came into a lot of troubling circumstances. Things that would have broke anyone. It never got better. It was like one thing after another. As soon as I thought I was good, another thing happened. For a while, things started to get better. I was actively working on making things better. I could have quit. I definitely could have just walked away from life and disconnected myself from reality. In a way, I did though. I got a good apartment, my savings were finally built again, and I started going to school. These changes were just so much. They were routine destroying. Something I worked to get to was destroyed. Literally, like the rug being pulled out from beneath my feet. When things started going back to a new normal it took me a long time to adjust. I felt disconnected from my life. The things that were happening around me was just that. Happening around me but I couldn't find it in myself to appreciate my surroundings. to truly be in life. I knew I was supposed to be happy, and I knew I was supposed to be grateful. I just didn't know how to do that. It was like watching my life through a two sided mirror. I was barely functioning and watching things happen on the other side of a mirror. I eventually did break. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to rot in bed all day and when I was finally sick of it, I still didn't see a point in not doing it. I didn't see the point of leaving my freshly renovated apartment to try and at least find something to enjoy about life again. It was draining. It wasn't like those times either where I was disconnecting from life as much as I could for attention. I genuinely wanted to just step away and figure out what was hurting me.

Then one day, I got up and found the sunshine I was looking for. I finally reached the end of the road to my suffering. It was like all of that sadness... The grey cloud hanging over my head ceased to exist. I found some purpose in my life again. I started feeling grateful and proud of myself. My self esteem started to rise again, without even trying to lose weight or change something about myself. I just.. Started to feel happy again. After a scary few months, any ounce of happiness was something I desperately wanted to grab at the first opportunity. What I am scared of, is it being artificial. I'm scared that I'll fall again and be back where I started the next time I encounter a huge series of change like that again. So I've started to be more gentle with myself. I've tried to create a safe space for myself, without harsh criticism. A space where I can lay back and take a minute every now and then. I've learned that my sadness, and my fears, don't go away just cause I push them away at first glance. I've learned that in order to be happy and successful, there's going to be rainy days and in order to survive that I have to be my own safe space because if not, there's no where else to go. I have to be the comfort I look for in others as well. They can't take away my pain and suffering. Not that support isn't needed, it's great to have but in order to accurately use those supports, I need to be a part of that. I can't expect others to fix me if I don't know how to help myself.

I think I’ll always have the hope that lingers silently in the background of my mind.

The hope that someone thinks of me. That someone is counting down the days to profess their undying love to me on valentines day.

The little girl inside begs, cries, screams to be allowed to love someone back without the constraints of a messed up childhood to stop her. Without it to confuse and belittle her for showing emotion.

I want more than anything to stop crying out for a love that I wouldn’t even know how to hold. To embrace. I want more than anything to stop being afraid of allowing someone to hold my heart without trying to control how they hold it in fear that they’ll carelessly let go.

I desperately wait for the days where I can stop telling myself that I don’t need that, that it never comes looking for me, therefore I don’t need it.

— Manuel Bandeira, from “This Earth, That Sky.”

Goodnight

Outside of This guy, and the attachment style revelation, I'm actually doing pretty good. I honestly feel so comfortable with myself and being alone doesn't feel so daunting or lonely anymore. I genuinely love finding things to do alone and it's not sad unless you have some sad intent behind it. I don't

I don't know it just feels like I'm taking care of myself when I get to spend time alone. I get to actually think about things and self reflect.

I have a lot more love for myself than I did a month ago. I love the routine I have for myself. I tell myself constantly that I'm "fighting the lazy" when I actively do things that are good for me. I remind myself that this one thing that only takes me a second here and there could lead to bigger and better changes in my mental health and the state of my happiness. Like journaling.

What lingers in the back of my mind is that this period of self love and just genuine respect for myself is temporary. I'm like waiting for the day where it all just goes away. Like it doesn't seem possible that I could feel happy. Like genuinely happy not just about things but in just a constant state of content with the state of my life right now. There are things to worry about, but they're all just things I can easily get through because I know I'm strong enough to. I'm smart enough to figure out.

It's not that the war is over. I know that isn't it. I just stopped enabling the bad behaviours or habits and life slowly just became more tolerable. I'm just so content and happy with me and my state of mind right now. Idk, I tend to babble and repeat because my vocabulary just seems very limited these days. I don't use it often enough to use the words I've learned.

Idk I am also very tired. I gotta get ready for bed. Goodnight

It's my 5 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

January 14 2024

My eyes have been opened and my actions finally have an explanation. It was crazy to read that article and have someone else tell me word for word what it's been like to deal with the attachment style and dilemma I've been experiencing. It was like I finally stopped searching. I could finally rest from constantly having this desire to find out what was wrong with me and relationships. "seem" was thrown around a lot when talking about confidence and independence and that was exactly how I felt. Like no matter how much it looked like I had my shit together that's all it felt like. Was imaginary and that nobody sees through that.

"Whenever they sought emotional support in the past, it was not provided. They simply stop seeking or expecting it from others. It’s as if they have ‘turned off the switch’."

FELT. I honestly had a hard time with intimacy and closeness growing up. Especially in middle school and high school. I was just always alone. I never had enough friends or anyone to offer me support emotionally in ways that matter. I think it was really damaging to me because when I wasn't exposed to those types of things like friendship or even relationships I kind of stopped expecting it to happen. I always wanted it. To this day I've just always desired a normal healthy relationship that fulfills my needs both physically and emotionally but again, that never happened so I stopped pretending that it would.

Of course I'm sad about it. I am sad that I lost years of relationship building and those trial and errors but now I am a full grown adult that won't let anyone in. Not even for just a second. I try. God knows I try to push past the discomfort of trying to push back my boundaries but I couldn't. It was too hard. It is too hard.

I guess it just feels nice to have an answer. To know that there's something I can work with now that I know what it is I'm looking at. I feel free.

I've been looking for a name for it for a long time. Something that helps me understand myself better.

for a while I thought it was asexuality. and I was happy with that for a while. It relieved some pressure that I felt when I wanted to pursue relationships but always ended up pushing them away when it got serious.

I've always had an issue building intimate relationships because I don't know to accept that somebody out there might find me attractive. That somebody might really like me despite everything I have.

That I had to fix myself by myself.

So that's what it is.

Avoidant attachment. For YEARS I have been looking for the answer, because I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought it was something that I was over exaggerating. Like I was crazy for something.

"At this point, such people might try to find a reason to end a relationship. They might be highly annoyed by their partner’s behavior, habit, or even physical appearance. Consequently, they start drifting off and distancing themselves from the partner. Adults with this attachment style believe that they do not need emotional intimacy in their lives." - An article that describes EXACTLY- TO A FUCKING T- how I've been feeling for the last six years of my god damn life!

Every time I get close to someone I like, I can't help it but look at what I hate about their physical appearance or their mannerisms that I can't fucking stand. I look for things to push myself away so cutting them of feels that much easier! I push myself away so that I'm not in the position where I am compromised of my self worth. And every time I convince myself that I don't need a boyfriend. That I am perfectly fine just being on my own. And I know I'm lying every time I try and tell myself this. I am discovering something that was there the entire time but I just never knew what it was. It's like I've finally identified the problem. I've finally found a way to end this suffering of craving intimacy and then pushing it away every time I almost get what I want.

I'm not crazy! I finally have an answer to my suffering and I feel free! not completely though I still have to figure out how to fix it but I am SO happy that I finally have something to work with. something to call it.

I get you're sorry and that's great but I'm tired of hearing how sorry you are about this. I need some time away from you cause whatever this is isn't friendship to me. It's this weird and uncomfortable thing as of right now and I honestly need to just be away from that until I can come back to it and not feel that way. My only concern right now is school and going to work to make some extra Money. Nothing outside of that matters to me right now. I'm sorry to say but I have to create some boundaries with you cause if I don't then I am compromising my comfort to fit your needs. I know that isn't what you're asking but to me it feels that way. From now on I don't want to talk to you unless it's about work.