#i still dont know how to tags fics yay lslskslsmslslsoks
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we just danced backwards into each other - ch - part 8
Paring: Calum Hood x Original Female Character.
Warnings: Swearing, mildly angsty vibes.
Word Count: 8k
Authors note: sorry this one took so long, i got stuck on a scene here and nothing i wrote about it was working, but finally got it and things started flowing a lot better, i actually already have a good chunk of the next part written, so hopefully ill update soon
Read it on AO3
Part 7
Masterlist
_______
Lena smiles from her place on the floor when Calum greets her, fixing the last of the cables, before scrambling to her feet and out of the booth. She had asked him to meet her in the studio with little notice so even though he told her he'd be there, she's excited to see him.
“I had an idea,” she says, bouncing on her feet as she stops in front of him, looking up at him expectantly, making him chuckle.
"Okay?”
"You know how we agree that voice note is like, the best version of the song?" She asks, waiting for him to agree before continuing, "what if we did the song as a live take? I can clean it and mix it and if it sounds good we go with it, if it doesn’t we’ll try something else."
“Sounds like a plan,” he nods and she grins at him.
“So you’re in?”
“It’s your song,” he laughs and she frowns at him.
“Come on, it’s ours,” she playfully shoves his shoulder making him chuckle, “I just thought that like this it would stay, you know, ours,” she shrugs, turning around to get her notebook in her backpack.
“Is that why we’re alone?” He asks, sounding confused as he sits in one of the chairs next to the board.
“I am qualified, you know?" She shrugs, sitting next to him. It wasn't easy to get her team to allow this to happen, but she had worked as an engineer for herself on other tracks of the album, so there wasn't a real excuse to not let her do it for this one. "There's a catch though, they need to be on while we record," she says, pointing through the glass into the booth to the 2 cameras set up around the piano, "and if you don't want that we can figure something-" she trails off as he looks at her, an amused glint in his eyes.
“Are you nervous?” He teases and she looks at him in disbelief.
“Yeah? I only ever did this for myself, having someone else in the studio is intimidating."
“It’s just me,” he chuckles and she rolls her eyes.
“Shut up, do you know how many number-one albums you have? Right now you’re not the boy who used to copy my math homework," she complains, running her hands through her hair and he laughs.
"The boy who copied your math homework? That's all I am?"
"Oh, yeah, absolutely, just the kid that sat behind me."
“Love,” he says, tilting his head and she can tell he can see she’s spiraling.
“I want this to work,” she tells him, glancing at the controls, before dropping her head, “I need this to work."
"It's gonna work. Are you done setting up?"
"Yeah," she nods, and he grabs her hand, pulling her up.
"Okay, come on," he says, moving them to the booth.
“Sit down,” Calum says, patting the seat beside him and she narrows her eyes at him.
“Why?”
“I’m teaching you the song,” he says, reaching for her hand and pulling her towards him, and she rolls her eyes, sitting down.
“You know can’t play that.”
“Nonsense.”
“I really can’t.”
“Just trust me.”
“Me trusting you doesn’t change the fact I can’t play the piano.”
"Can you hit a key on the right tempo?"
“I can’t make any guarantees,” she laughs, hitting some random notes just prove her point.
“I believe in you,” he teases, and she sighs, looking at her hands before looking back at him.
“Okay, let’s do this.”
Lena didn't plan on making that noise into the microphone. She didn't plan on making that noise at all. Given the way it had echoed through the arena, calling it a squeal didn't feel big enough. A shriek? A flat-out scream? All she knew is that every eye in the area around the stage and the soundboard was on her and Sylvia was looking at her fondly annoyed.
"Sorry, everyone," she apologized into the mic, making a point of keeping her voice as soft as she could through the excitement coursing through her veins, backing away from it at the same time she met Calum's questioning eyes as he moved closer to the stage from the floor.
He'd been watching her soundcheck lately. It sometimes made her wonder if he knew her songs were all about feelings she had about him. When he'd ask her to sing a song she hadn't thought about in a while, the ones that are bubbly and fun and so painfully hopeful and that she was always surprised to find out he even knew. She'd always sing them though, fumbling through notes on the ones she hadn't played in a while just because it seemed to make him happy.
It actually took a lot of effort for her not to just jump off the stage into his arms once he got close enough for her to do it. So she settled on sitting on the edge reaching a hand out for him and he had barely finished helping her down before she was throwing her arms around his neck.
"What happened?" He laughed, the hands he still had on her waist moving to wrap around her.
"I just got nominated for best new artist," she said, hiding her face in his neck and moving to step away from him but he kept his arm around her, locking her in place, smiling widely at her.
"Okay, that noise makes sense now," he teased and she pouted, "congratulations, love," he added.
"Thanks," she grinned, moving to hug him again before stepping back. This time he let her go but grabbed her hand dragging her with him around the arena before she could question what he was doing. Not that she thought really hard about questioning. She was done with soundcheck, and they needed to clear the area for the band's soundcheck with the fans anyway.
When he pushed a door open and pulled her inside a room, she was tempted to ask though. She didn't have to, he was pressing her against the door he'd just closed, lips finding hers before she even began to form a question.
Lena would like to say she was used to what it felt like to kiss Calum. She would also be lying. But now she was allowed to kiss him, most times it was more soothing than dizzying.
But then, sometimes, he'd surprise her like that and she'd forget that she needed oxygen. Hell, she'd forget her own name. His lips on hers and his hands digging into her waist and his hair under her fingers and the thundering noise her heart made were the only thing that existed.
Calum was the one that pulled away. Maybe pulled away was an exaggeration. He was still very much in her space, forehead against hers as she gasped for the air he stole from around her.
"I'll take it you're proud of me," she laughed, still feeling breathless.
"We're celebrating."
"It's just a nomination," she giggled but he shook his head.
"It's your first nomination, love, we're celebrating."
"When you say celebrating," she trailed off when he moved to kiss a path across her jaw and down her neck.
"I mean, partying,” Calum said the words to her skin, hands sneaking under her shirt, “and then taking advantage of the way there's no show tomorrow and a hotel room with my name on it."
"I like the way you think, Hood,” she said, a little breathless, as his hands moved higher, “but you need to chill out because I'm not letting you fuck me in a supply closet in a venue," she pulled back, turning them so he would be the one against the door, but stepping back from him, and he smirks at her, a knowing look that made her cheeks burn, "that was one time! And it was an office, not a closet," she complained as he pulled her back to him with a laugh.
"Does it change anything?" He asked, lips pressed to her neck and she giggled.
"For starters, clean surfaces, and you know, a door that locked."
"I'm pretty sure this door also locks," he chuckled, feeling around the door until the lock clicked.
"That's not the point." She got cut off when he kissed her again, more insistent this time and it was hard to think while his hands moved on her. "Nope, not happening, also you need to go to your soundcheck," she moved a hand to his chest, and he pouted at her as she felt around for the lock, “but I’ll make it up to you tonight,” she punctuated her words with a kiss to his cheek while she pushed the door open.
"Why did we never write together before?" Lena asks, turning to look at him. They've done a few takes and she thinks she has enough to work with, but the thought of moving away from the bench is incredibly unappealing. So she's stalling.
"We never talked about it," Calum shrugs and she pouts.
"Why?"
"I don't know, why did you never bring it up?"
"Because I was writing about you and I thought it would be awkward," she deadpans, startling a laugh out of him, "but hey, we're good together, the song is good, so like, why have we never done this before?" She asks again and he watches her for a second before answering.
"It just never seemed like a good moment to ask."
"Why?"
"We never got around to it when we were in school and the only other time it could've happened was on tour and-" he cuts himself, making her frown.
"What?"
"Honestly? I think it was gonna make us talk about what it all meant."
"And that would definitely be awkward."
"But, if you're up for it, we can do it again, I know you write with Luke so, maybe," he shrugs and she smiles at him.
"Well, my album is done and from what Luke told me so is yours, so maybe we can revisit this conversation when we start working on the next one, or if any of us has an idea that could work," she offers and he nods.
"Deal."
"Okay, I'm pretty sure I have all I need, so we should get out of here," Lena says after a beat of silence, getting up from the bench.
"Wait, I got you something," Calum says, pulling a jewelry box from his pocket and she frowns at him.
"Why?" She asks, eyeing the box as she takes it.
"You keep reaching for your neck," he shrugs as she opens it and pulls the necklace there out so she could look at it. It's a little silver sun, the shape kind of looks like the one from Tangled and she smiles at how detailed the charm is for something so small.
"Why a sun?" She asks, still studying the charm, somewhat fascinated about the way the little gems in it catch the light when she moves it.
"It made me think of you." The way he says it makes her focus shift to him, watching his face, unsure of how to feel.
"Thank you," she breathes, still looking at him as he smiles at her, "can you?" She asks, handing him the necklace and turning around, moving her hair out of the way for him to put it on for her, smiling down at it before turning back to him.
"Does this mean I need to get you a moon or something like that now?" She laughs, reaching for his necklace hanging on the front of his shirt, her bracelet dangling next to it.
"I don't think we need to match every gift we get each other," he laughs, shaking his head and she scrunches her nose looking at him.
"Well, but you got me this because you don't want me to want the bass," she says and he shrugs.
"It's not like you can play the bass."
"Yes, I can!" She protests and he frowns at her.
"Since when?"
"My second album? I'm playing the bass in like, half the tracks."
"You are?" His face softens, sounding surprised and a little bit impressed and she huffs.
"Don't sound so surprised, I'm not as good as you are but it's not like I'm playing anything particularly elaborate."
"When did you even?"
"It was during this wave of stuff I did while trying to distract myself after, the bass was adjacent enough to the guitar that I didn't absolutely suck at the first try so I stuck with it? But I tried a bunch of shit, I tried painting and playing random instruments, I went to a pottery class once, that sucked, calligraphy, crochet, knitting, sewing, it was crazy."
"When did you even sleep?"
"I had trouble sleeping while I was working on that album, so I was keeping occupied, it was better than tossing and turning, it made me feel productive," she shrugs, chewing on her bottom lip.
"Love," Calum starts, but he seems unsure of what to say and she shakes her head.
"Hey, you know how bad I am at sleeping, it's fine."
"You know, Andy told me you put yourself in the hospital back then, kinda hard to believe it was fine," he says, raising an eyebrow at her and she groans
"He makes that sound so much worse than it was."
"Did you pass out on campus?"
"Yeah."
"Did you spend the night at the hospital?"
"Yeah."
"Then I think it was bad, love," he chuckles and she rolls her eyes.
"It's not like I dropped in the middle of the street, I was in the health center."
"Not the defense you think it is.”
"Okay, it wasn't fine, but it wasn't as bad as it looked, that was just a bad week, and now I can play more instruments, I know I suck at crafting, and I'm decent at painting, it's fine," she says, motioning vaguely around her and he laughs.
"If you say so."
"I do say so, now let's go face the photographers that are definitely out there and just get out of here already."
_______
Lena had somehow seen Calum every day for the past two weeks. Mostly not on purpose, the little encounters were never planned. They were also way too short, leaving her feeling the need to see more of him. They text every day too. Nothing like they used to when they were teens, when they would spend most of the day together in school and then text the rest of it because they somehow never ran out of things to say to each other, but still enough to make her wait for the notifications to come.
If she decides to be completely honest about it, she doesn't like the feeling. And she doesn't like that she doesn't like it. She hates it, actually. She hates that she can't get out of her own head for long enough to just… relax. That her anxious brain keeps telling her overly excited heart to calm down. To back off. To stop doing this hopeful little dance every time her phone rings. But it's not like she can make it stop. Old habits die hard and all that. And apparently in all ways because she can't help her feelings any more than she can't stop fighting against them. Leaving her playing an exhausting game of tug of war with herself.
She doesn’t even know what she’s overthinking, because she doesn't know what she wants from Calum. For a long time, she didn't really know anything when it came to him. And now she doesn't know what to believe, so she doesn't know how to feel. When he's right there it's easy for her not to think about all the bad things, it’s as easy as it always was. But then she's alone. And then she’s spiraling.
"L, are you even listening?" Michael's voice came followed by a poke in her ribs, that made her squeak and drop her pen, before looking up from her homework to him, green eyes glowing with a familiar mischief that made her laugh.
"Sorry, what did Cal do? I wasn't paying attention," she asked, closing her notebook and leaning back into the chair, her elbow on Calum's desk, watching as Michael's grin got wilder as he leaned against the desk beside hers and Calum let out an exasperated groan.
"He has a date," he explained and Lena's eyes widened. She couldn't exactly say that was completely unexpected, he had talked about a girl he was interested in. Not to her all that much though, so she didn't know everything about the situation. But the information made her heart clench.
"What?" She frowned, looking between the boys, Michael's eyes narrowing at her in the few seconds it took for her to realize she didn't sound teasing, she sounded hurt, "someone agreed to go out with you?" She quickly added, teasingly, trying to match the grin on Michael's face as she turned to Calum.
"Not you too," he said, rolling his eyes and she laughed.
"It's just surprising," she said, pressing her lips together while Michael let out a "Right?" that made her laugh.
"I hate you both," he said and she rolled her eyes.
"Don't act like you don't give me hell every time I ask someone out," Michael said, giving him an unimpressed look that made Lena giggle.
"You do fall in love like every other week, dude," she said but Michael shook his head.
"This isn't about me, it's about him," he pointed at Calum who dropped his head to his desk with a groan, but before anyone could say anything else, their teacher walked in, making Michael scramble to go sit.
"You know we're just teasing, right?" She whispered, leaning her chin on her arm still on Calum's desk and he nodded at her, before leaning down to get his notebook and she turned forward, reopening hers, and staring blankly at the board, twirling a pen between her fingers.
Why did the thought of Calum on a date with someone make her upset? Both of them had spent years going on about how they were just friends. She shouldn't be upset about it. She loved Calum. She wanted him to be happy.
Wait, she loved him. She loved him? Like loved loved him? She was aware she might have a slight crush on him, how could she not, but was she in love with him? Did the thought of him dating someone else made her feel like that because she wanted him to date her?
"Oh shit," she mumbled under her breath at the same time the pen slipped from her fingers, startling her as it landed somewhere behind her. Her heart was picking up speed as she leaned to the side, looking around the floor for the lost pen and Calum leaned down too, grabbing it next to his foot, sitting up straight while she turned to him when he reached to hand it back to her.
"Thanks," she breathed, taking the pen back and feeling her heart go crazy in her chest when he grinned and winked at her as she was turning back.
So Lena doesn't know how they ended up here. She was on edge, the song was coming out, so she was stressed and this was the last time she was gonna see Calum for who even knows how long because the band was leaving for promo the next day and she was doing promo for their single alone and she's so unbelievably anxious about it, it's making her more sensitive. She knows that. But now she's moving around the building, with Calum trailing behind her, trying to get her to talk to him. It's not his fault, the comment about them being back together was innocent enough, the issue wasn't the comment, but the way Calum turned to look at her, a flash of guilt on his face, that put her right back in that dressing room.
So she doesn't want to talk to him, because she will say something stupid and she knows it's not his fault so it will just be creating an unnecessary fight.
But he's not letting her get away from him.
"I don't want to talk about it, Calum," she tells him again, this time stopping to turn to look at him.
"But you need-"
"No, I don't," she interrupts him, and he frowns.
"Lena."
"When you start talking about it I stop seeing my best friend and I start seeing the guy who walked out on me," she says, taking a step back away from him and he gives her a helpless look, "and I don't want to think about that anymore."
"Doesn't seem like you can stop," he all but rolls his eyes and she groans.
"What? You think that knowing how you felt during that is gonna change anything?"
"Come on, that tour was hell."
"I know, I was there," she does roll her eyes and the frown on his face deepens.
"I was doing what I could."
"And I was trailing behind," she motions vaguely around her, "I know what went down, and I know how you felt because I knew you, but it doesn't matter."
"No, you just think you know," he challenges, stepping closer to her and she huffs.
"Yeah, well, I don't need a detailed explanation on exactly how not enough for you I am."
Lena regrets the words before she finishes saying them. Before Calum steps back away from her like she shoved him. Before the hurt look in his eyes makes her freeze.
But it really kills her as she stays rooted in place watching him walk away from her.
________________
"Andy?" Lena knocks on the door to his room, even though it's the middle of the night, after hearing the telltale sounds of whatever game he's into now that shows her that he's still up.
"Are you finally ready to tell me why you're spiraling?" Andy calls from inside the room and she frowns as she takes that as an invitation to go in.
"Come on," she complains, sitting on the edge of his bed as he turns around in his chair and rolls himself closer to the bed.
"What? You've been like this for weeks,” he says, stopping in front of her, “and you haven't talked to me all day, just tell me maybe I can help."
"I don't know how to explain it," she runs a hand through her hair, dropping back.
"Voice your thoughts, I'm really good at translating you."
"It's…" She trails off, fidgeting with the necklace Calum gave her, fighting to get the words out.
"Le, babe, I promise you, anything that leaves you this stressed it's not stupid," he says, a comforting hand on her knee and she pushes herself up leaning on her elbows so she could look at him.
"It's just…"
"Words, Lena."
"I'm stressed about Calum," she blurts out and he huffs.
"Now tell me the part I don't know."
"I… it's just I can't stop thinking," she says, sitting up and he nods.
"About?"
"He said he's winning me back, and I was enjoying the effort."
"But?"
"When I left,” she pauses when he gives her a pointed look, “when I ran, I said I was done, but I didn't turn it all off, you know? I couldn't. But I also couldn't keep feeling like it was always gonna be like that, all the pining. No, not pining, pining it's too calm, too calm for whatever we had going. I was burning and I was drowning and I was tired, but I still loved him, I still wanted it."
"Okay."
“And I can’t stop thinking about everything that happened between us because I still do, you know? I still love him, and I want it so badly. I want things to work out, I want the stupid story of us finding a way back, I'd be lying if I say I don't, but I’m also scared."
"Of?" Andy asks after she doesn't continue and she sighs.
"That he doesn't really want me. That he’s just enjoying the chase, and there's too much fucked up shit in the middle for us to ever be okay again and when we agreed on the whole thing, I said he can't kiss me."
"Yeah."
"Because he has this effect that gives me tunnel vision and makes me only see what he wants," she trails off, fidgeting with the edge of her shirt and he chuckles.
"Oh, I know, but you're spiraling, why exactly?" He asks and she looks at him, chewing on her bottom lip while she contemplates how to say it.
"I'm scared I'm the one who's just enjoying the chase," she admits and he frowns, tilting his head to the side.
"What do you mean?"
"All I ever wanted was for him to try, and he's trying, I basically forced the man to take me out so I could see what it would be like."
"Didn't he say he wanted to fix things?"
"Yeah, but what if we're beyond fixing?"
"L, wait," Michael said, turning the car off when she reached for her shoes, and she sighed, unbuckling the seatbelt. Lena was feeling hazy, definitely still drunk, but the cool night air had cleared her head enough to know what Michael was going to say.
"Mike, please don't," she pleaded, mechanically putting her shoes on as she avoided the way she could feel his eyes on her.
"What?
"Defend him," she sighed, finally turning to look at him. He had a very familiar look on his face. The ride-or-die type look that let everyone know that he'd take Calum's side no matter what. Michael had perfected it over the years but it always had the I-need-to-stand-by-him glint that she found staring back at her.
"But you gotta know," he started, but she shook her head.
"I respect that you wanna do something, I do, but don't do it."
"But he's," he tried again but she interrupted him again.
"Look, I don't wanna know that you think he looks miserable without me, or however the hell you were about to put it. Did he tell you that? Did he even tell you what happened between us? Or did he just say we had a fight and told you to drop it?"
"He didn't, but I know he is, he really fucking misses you, L," he tried to argue and Lena wanted to believe him. Desperately. But she couldn't.
"Look, dude, I gotta work with what I know. The facts here are he walked out on me and that he hasn't tried to talk to me since then, so anything else is not enough," she shrugged and he gave her a disbelief look.
"So you just got in a screaming match at a party over not enough?"
"Yeah, and he still had nothing to say."
"You know how he can get."
"Oh, I do," she said, rolling her eyes but Michael kept talking.
"And you always forgive him."
"It fucking sucks that I have to," she complained, running a hand through her hair.
"You're not exactly perfect either, L," he said, raising an eyebrow at her and she frowned at him.
"Never said I was, but this one is on him, it's only on him, it's why he doesn't have the guts to try to fix it."
"What the fuck did he do?" He asked and she groaned.
"I don't wanna talk to you about it, Michael."
"I'm your friend too, Lena," he matched her tone, rolling his eyes at her and she sighed.
"But you would let him get away with anything."
"So would you."
"I can't do it this time, he really hurt me, okay? It wasn't some stupid argument that we both knew wasn't gonna last, he knew the choice he was making and he did it anyway and I'm allowed to be mad at him," she said, looking down, twisting her hands in her lap.
"I'm not saying you're not allowed to be mad, I'm saying you're both miserable without each other, so why are you dragging this out?" He asked and it made her pout.
"Who said I'm miserable?" Lena complained, glancing at him and she probably wasn't helping her point if the way Michael raised an eyebrow at her was any indication.
"Your face."
"That's-"
"We both know you're still in love with him," he said and her eyes widened as her head snapped up and she turned to look at him.
"Who said I'm in love with him?" She tried but Michael scoffed.
"Don't act like I don't know you, you've been in love with him since we were in school, it's painfully obvious."
"I… You knew? Since when?"
"Since he left for that football camp, you were a basketcase while he was gone."
"It wasn't that bad."
"Oh, it was worse, I thought you would tell him back then."
"I did," she said, holding Michael's gaze as his face turned into shock. She could see it in the way his eyes went from wide to narrowing on her face that he was combing through his memories trying to figure out when it could've happened. And she didn't want him to ask, "well, it doesn't matter anymore."
"Now you're just being stubborn."
"So?"
"Talk to him, do something other than sitting around since you’re both miserable and this can’t keep going-"
"Mike!” she screeched, interrupting him, "He dumped me, he doesn't love me and I can't make him love me so I can't fix it."
"What do you mean he doesn't love you? Of course he loves you," he was looking at her like she was crazy for even suggesting that and it made her want to disappear into the leather seats.
"His words okay?" Her voice was small and Michael looked so confused by it that she felt on the verge of tears, "so now I'm just the idiot that’s been in love with him since middle school."
"L," Michael's voice was soft now, and he was watching her carefully, eyes scanning her face as she continued to talk.
"Being away from him is killing me, but I can't. I can’t move on from him if he's still around, and I can't fix us so I can't talk to him."
"Why?"
"Because if I'm not mad at him, then I'm breaking and I can't take it anymore." She paused, blinking back tears, "thank you for the ride, Mike, I know I'm not much company right now but I did miss you and I appreciate it."
"Lena."
"I'll see you around," She said, patting his knee before slipping out of the car. She was surprised to hear his door slamming after hers.
"Lena," Michael's voice was insistent and it made her stop on the sidewalk watching as he walked around the car.
"Yeah?" She asked, frowning at him as he scanned her face.
"Just come here," he said, pulling her to his chest, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and she wrapped her arms around his waist on instinct. She missed Michael, that wasn't a lie, they may not be as close to each other as they were to Calum, but he was a constant enough presence in her life to add to the emptiness Calum had left behind. But the way she just relaxed against him was disarming, "sorry I haven't checked in," he said to her hair and she huffed out a chuckle, stepping back from him.
"It's fine, I knew he would get you in the divorce."
"You don't have to tell me what he did, but how bad was it?"
"How many times have you seen me trying to get away from him?" She asked because she didn't think she could talk about it without crying. She wasn't sure she wouldn't start crying anyway.
"Point taken."
"Look, I can't talk about it because I can't think about it because I don't want to believe it happened, I thought we were more than we actually were and that's on me but he was just," she stopped, sniffing through the tears that were falling without her permission, "there were kinder ways to do what he did and I can't move past it."
"Sorry I pushed it."
"It's fine, you know how stubborn we both can get, you had no way of knowing this wasn't just us being stubborn."
"For whatever is worth, I do think he regrets it."
"Well, he's the one that needs to do something about it,’ she shrugged and Michael gave her a sad smile, "sorry you got caught in the middle."
"I'm your friend too, you know?"
"Do you feel that way?"
"I don’t know, I'm not known for making good decisions when he's involved. So I freaked out and I picked a fight with him because he was about to leave. And I know it’s just a few days but at the same time I couldn’t deal with the way I need him around and he’s all the way across the world now and I don’t know what to do, because,” she sniffs, looking up to try and stop the tears she can feel forming in her eyes, “what if this is just going to explode in our faces again and I'm dragging it out because of a memory of a feeling?"
"Is it just a memory?"
"What?"
"When you think about it, are you just trying to find the way he made you feel again, or are you just trying to find a way to feel what you feel for him without letting it destroy you?" Andy asks and she blinks at him, taken aback for a second.
"That was deep, we should write that down," she jokes because she doesn't know how to answer.
"I'm serious, I've picked you up from the floor over him for years now and it's alright if you don't want him anymore, but it's also okay for you to want him but only after you're sure you're not setting yourself up for failure."
"What are you saying?"
"That it's okay if you need safety before giving in and that doesn't mean you're using him, it just means you're hurt and want to know what you're falling into."
“But I feel like-”
"Look, I've watched you try to contain the way you feel about him for as long as I've known you, you keep fighting against it or trying to make it something that won't scare him away, and that never worked," he says, tilting his head, and she sighs.
"It's just that, I don't know how to stop and I keep thinking about-"
“Le, the more you overthink this the more you’ll have to overthink and you’re gonna go nowhere.”
“But-”
“You’re not gonna find the answer trapping yourself in your head, you can’t change what happened and you can’t predict what’s going to, you just need to find out if you’re willing to trust he won't hurt you again,” he says and she drops back, throwing her arms across her face.
“But what if I can’t trust myself? I don’t want to hurt him either and right now I don’t think I can help it and his face when he walked away from me, I-”
“Lena," he says, and she feels the mattress dip when he sits beside her, moving her arms from her face so she would have to look at him, "if whatever you said makes him stop trying then you guys are going nowhere anyway.”
"What do I do then?" She asks, throwing her arms over her head and he huffs, poking her side.
“You stop hiding and you call him."
“Call him? I can’t call him,” she squirms away from his hand, looking at him like he's crazy for suggesting that, and he gives her an unimpressed look.
“Knowing you, you won’t be able to do anything until you find out if you pushed him too far. Did you even sleep last night?"
“But I have to, I can’t need him, And.”
“You also can’t change the fact that you already do. You've been fighting it for years, Le." His voice is sympathetic and she feels herself start to tear up as she meets his eyes. “Just call him."
_________
The periodic buzzing is not what makes Calum raise his head. What makes him raise his head is how he can feel Luke's eyes on him every time the damn phone does buzz. So when it happens again he meets Luke's careful gaze with a questioning look.
"That's Lena." It's not a question. But Luke nods anyway. Lena hadn't talked to him since the fight and he was following her lead with it. If she wants space he'll give it to her. It's actually easier than he expected with half a world between them and unaligned timezones. At least that's what he keeps telling himself.
"She wants me to let her know when we're back at the hotel." They only have another interview in their schedule, the one they are currently waiting for, so it shouldn't be long, but why would Lena ask? And what else did she say that got Luke watching him like that?
"Okay, what does this have to do with me?" He asks, raising an eyebrow and Luke frowns at him.
"Did you get into a fight or something?"
"Or something."
"Do you want me not to tell her?" Luke puts his phone down, a silent we can talk about it if you want, but he shakes his head.
"No, it's okay."
"You sure?" He checks, but Calum doesn't get a chance to answer, because they are being called to the studio and he can't keep thinking about it.
Maybe she's ready to try to talk to him. If she's even asking because she wants to know when he can answer. He tries to ignore that line of thought until they’ve been back at the hotel for at least half an hour and there’s no call.
But then his phone lights up with a very familiar picture of Lena and him.
"Hello?"
"Hi," Lena sounds anxious, he can hear it in her breathing and something about it makes him do the math in his head about what time it's for her.
"Lena, where are you?" He can imagine the way she's frowning just by the confused little gasp she lets out.
"Home, where else would I be?"
"Isn't it, like, 3 am for you?"
"Time is fake," she mumbles, and he hears fabric ruffling in the background, so maybe she is in bed. Not that the thought makes him worry less.
"Sure," he frowns and she sighs.
"I couldn't sleep, I needed to apologize."
"Okay."
"Because I am sorry, I… I don't have an excuse, I'm just sorry."
"Lena," he says, more to buy himself time to think of the right thing to say than anything else but the sharp intake of breath he hears makes him regret it.
"You don't have to say anything, it's fine, I just wanted to say it, we can talk when you get back. Or whenever you want. Shit, you know, I shouldn't have called, I'm sorry." Her voice is wobbly and it sounds like she’s about to hang up.
"Lena, wait."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm about to start crying and then you'll feel the need to make me feel better and this becomes about me and that's not why I called."
"Then why did you call?" He asks, and she sniffs, before taking a deep breath as if she’s trying to calm herself down.
"Can I claim temporary insanity? Sleep deprivation? I don't know, okay? I thought talking to you would make me feel better but that's not on your job so I shouldn't-"
"Lena, can you just listen to me for once in your life?"
"Yeah?"
"You seriously think I'm about to let you cry yourself to sleep?"
"I'm not crying," she tells him and he huffs.
"I can hear you crying."
"I'm just tired and It doesn't-"
"Of course it matters."
"Why?"
"Because I fucking care about you. That doesn't stop being true just because we got into a fight."
"I know that, it's just-"
"Do you? Know it? It doesn't seem like you do,"
"Can I be honest?"
"Please," Calum breathes, waiting for a tense second as she doesn't say anything.
"I talk myself out of it."
"Of trusting me?" He asks, frowning and he can hear the fabric ruffling as she probably shakes her head.
"No, of expecting you to be there." That one stings. He knows he can't blame her for it, it's his own fault, but hearing her saying it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.
"Why?"
"Because I can't need you to be there! For fucks sake we get into one fight and I'm losing my mind? I've been feeling like I can't breathe and I can't do this again."
"Do what?"
"Lose you, Calum, I can't lose you again, but I can't keep feeling this way either I can't focus I can't sleep I feel like a bitch then I just lose my fucking mind and can’t feel this way I can’t need you-" Not for the first time since he last saw her, he catches himself wishing he wasn't halfway across the world, but this time is because the way she's talking, fast and without pauses, makes him think she's about to talk herself into a panic he can't talk her out of over the phone.
"Love, love, breathe," he interrupts, and she takes a few sharp breaths before talking again.
"See, I shouldn't have called, you're allowed to be mad at me."
"I'm not mad at you."
"Why not? You should."
"Why?"
"Because I was a bitch to you."
"It was a fight, and it wasn't even that bad."
"You sounded mad at me when you answered the phone."
"You apologized, we can talk about it when I get back, but I'm not mad, so you should go to sleep and I'll see you in a few days."
"Unfortunately I wasn't exaggerating when I said I can't sleep, I've been tossing and turning for hours."
"You want me to talk to you until you fall asleep?"
The way Lena was slowly blinking and how her reactions were delayed was just as funny as it was adorable even in the dimly lit room. It made the story Calum was telling seem way more entertaining than it actually was, with the way she was trying to keep up while stifling yawns and rubbing her eyes to get him to keep talking.
"Love?" Calum asked when she dropped her head back against the headboard of his bed and it took a few seconds for her to look at him, "do you want me to drive you back to your dorm?" She should've left already since she had classes the next day, so maybe he should just let her leave this time. She looked like she would fall asleep in the car though. And her car was at his place. The logistics of it all weren't good.
"Not yet, we're talking," she mumbled, shifting her whole body while sitting up.
"No, I'm talking, you're legally drunk," he joked, making her pout.
"'m not," she complained, stretching out like a cat and sighing, "how are you not tired?"
"Jetlag," he shrugged and she blinked at him before nodding, staring at him with one eye closed.
"Well, then we keep talking."
"I keep talking, you keep looking at me like you're seeing a giant pillow.”
"You do make a great pillow," she said, looking at him like she was contemplating the possibility, or maybe just thinking about the times she fell asleep on him, making him laugh. "Have you ever been so tired you just don't know how to sleep?" She asked, running a hand through her hair and dropping her head back.
"No,” he chuckled, shaking his head, “and you're trying to stay awake," he pointed out, bopping her nose and she smiled sheepishly at him.
"Yes, but I don't think I would fall asleep that easily right now." He seriously doubted that. He was actually sure she would be out in seconds if she just stopped moving.
"What time do your classes start tomorrow?" He asked, checking the old alarm clock on the table. Technically he should've said today. It was past 1 am. Maybe he shouldn't keep her awake that long on a weekday.
"Not until the afternoon," she said, sliding down and hugging the pillow under her head.
"You wanna stay over? We can continue this conversation in the morning when I know you'll remember what I'm telling you.”
"Does that mean you won't be mad if I fall asleep?"
"Do you want to sleep?"
"I just told you don't know how," she laughed, settling more heavily against the pillow and rubbing her eye.
"Alright, come here," he said, scooting down and opening his arms and she shuffled around before settling with her head on his shoulder and an arm across his chest.
"I missed you," she mumbled, closing her eyes and he started to absentmindedly run his fingers through her hair.
"Yeah, me too,” he said, leaning his cheek against her head, “now go to sleep."
"I can't fall asleep on command like you do, just keep telling me the story, what happened after Mike said that?"
"So you were listening?"
"Always, now talk," she said, shifting around a bit and he continued to tell the story, running his hand through her hair. It only took a few minutes for her to stop reacting to it and for her breathing to even out. That wasn’t the surprising part. The surprising part was how he fell asleep a few minutes later too.
"You don't have to," Lena says, voice small and he chuckles.
"I'm not asking if I have to, I'm asking if you want me to." There's a pause that's long enough for him to question if it was the right thing to say, before she sighs.
"Yeah."
"Are you comfortable?"
"As comfortable as I can get," she says after some shuffling and he settles in bed too.
"What do you want to talk about?"
"I don't know, just tell me about the trip." So he does. With as many details as he can. About the place. The people. The joke Luke told in the van that morning. The restaurant they had lunch in. It makes him think about when he first moved and the rare occasions when their schedule managed to align enough for him to call and Lena would make him tell her everything about everywhere he had been. He talks while listening as Lena shifts around in her bed or lets out little reactions to what he's saying like huffed-out laughs or curious mumbling about what happened next until the shuffling stops and her breathing evens out. He stays on the line for a few more minutes, making sure she's really asleep then a few more because now he doesn't want to hang up. He considers how he could say anything to her right now. He could tell her he misses her. Make some promise about not hurting her again that she wouldn't believe in and he's not sure he can keep. Or a promise about always trying anyway that he really hopes he can. He doesn't say anything though. He just listens to her steady breathing until he can't justify staying on the line anymore.
_______
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#wjdbieo#calum hood fanfic#5sos fanfic#5sos fic#calum hood fic#i still dont know how to tags fics yay lslskslsmslslsoks
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we just danced backwards into each other - ch - part 7
Paring: Calum Hood x Original Female Character.
Warnings: Swearing, mentions of an er visit and vague descriptions of an injury and how it happened, also Lena's team sucks.
Word Count: 9.4k
Authors note: okay, this took a long time to post, sorry about that, i cant even say i hit a writer's block patch because i have been writing a lot about them, i just hit a bit where i could only write flashbacks, i even briefly considered to post a part that was just flashbacks, but that didn't fit the plan, but here we are, hopefully, the next part wont take this long, i already have a solid chunk written. That being said the flashbacks are getting more elaborate, and theres quite a bit of them in this part. As usual, italics are flashbacks.
Read it on AO3
Part 6 Part 8
Masterlist
______
Lena wasn't exactly sure what to expect from the meeting she was called in for, she thought it would be about the conversations surrounding her and Calum and when she would be allowed to start putting songs out, but she sure as hell didn’t expect to find herself in the situation she is in.
“What do you mean, supporting act?” Lena asks as calmly as she possibly can.
“You’ll get your own tour next year, but they need an opener and it makes sense-” Her manager sounds calm and slightly condescending and that makes her cut her off.
“No, it doesn’t,” she shakes her head, and Sylvia sighs.
“Lena, you can’t do arenas alone, it will be good for you."
“No, I’m not doing it,” she says, crossing her arms but the look she gets in response makes her shoulders tense.
“You already agreed,” she says and Lena frowns in confusion.
“No, I didn't." She sounds a bit childish. Probably looks it too, arms crossed, hands clenching the ends of her sleeves, a pout she can't really fight on her lips.
“Yes, you did," Sylvia says and the look on her face it's what finally makes the situation make sense.
“The ‘a few concerts’ part of the deal is a whole tour?" She air-quotes, feeling exasperated, "are you fucking kidding me?”
“Lena,” she says, pinching the bridge of her nose and Lena rolls her eyes.
“Fine, great, I’m going on tour with my fake boyfriend, yeehoo," she says, making a dramatic motion with her hands, "does that mean I’ll get to release something?”
“Yes." The word sounds too careful and it makes Lena groan.
“But the first thing will have to be the duet, right?”
“Yes.” The word rings in her ears and it makes her blood boil. It makes her want to start a fight. But she just takes a deep breath, pressing her lips together.
“Okay, can I go now? I have a song to finish and a deadline now."
“Sure."
“Thank you,” she says, pushing her chair back loudly and making her way out the door. She wants to slam it. She wants to slam something. But she ends up slamming into someone. The last person she wants to see at that particular moment.
Lena was slowly walking through the schoolyard, dragging her feet, wishing she didn't have to go to the quad and stay there for another period. She wanted to leave. She wanted to hide. Actually, she wanted to cry and she felt stupid for it, so she wanted to run. But not literally, and if she went to PE, Coach would make her run laps or something and the thought made her want to scream.
To be fair, all her thoughts were making her want to scream. She wanted to scream at herself for failing that test. She wanted to scream at herself for caring so much about one stupid grade she could easily make up for. She wanted to scream for wanting to scream. It was all very frustrating.
It was why she ended up hiding in the corner beside the bleachers where she would sit when she didn't want Coach to force her to participate. Or where she would hide to watch the football team practice sometimes. The second occasion had happened more times than she would want to admit, but she liked understanding when Calum went on about the games and the team, so she started watching it more. It was just about being a good friend. It definitely had nothing to do with the way he would smile at her, a smile that would light up his whole face and he'd even get dimples on his cheeks, when she had an input that made sense. And she was growing to enjoy the sport, even if just because of his sheer enthusiasm.
She wasn't watching the field that day though, too busy feeling sorry for herself to do anything other than stare at the floor, twisting a pebble between her fingers, waiting for the hour to be over. It was why she didn't hear the footsteps approaching her until they were too close for her to run. So she settled to furiously wiping the tears off her cheeks with the back of her hands, letting out a frustrated huff as the tears wouldn't stop, trying to come up with an excuse to give Coach as she turned to look up at whoever it was when they stopped.
But it wasn't Coach, and she watched as Calum, dressed in the school team's uniform, sat down beside her, leaving about a foot of space between them, making her frown. Why wasn't he playing? Coach might not miss Lena, but he would definitely notice that Calum wasn't there.
She was looking at him trying to figure out what to say. Maybe tell him she didn't want to talk. That he should go back. That she wanted to be alone. But before she could say anything he offered her his water bottle, raising his brow in a silent question: do you want me to go? And Lena surprised herself by shaking her head while taking the bottle from his hand.
He didn't say anything, just nodded and looked forward, at the field. And Lena watched him, stunned for a few seconds while taking a big gulp of the water while feeling a rush of affection for him she couldn't quite understand, before shaking her head and scooting closer to him.
They sat there in silence until the bell rang when Calum scrambled to his feet and offered her a hand to help her up too, giving it a comforting squeeze before running back to get his stuff from the locker room, leaving Lena unsure of why she felt like she could follow him anywhere.
“Woah there, love,” Calum chuckles, holding her up, but frowning when he notices the look on her face, “you okay?” He asks, and she groans, closing her eyes, and exhaling sharply before stepping back from him.
“Fine, I gotta go,” she mumbles, stepping around him and moving toward the break room at the end of the hall. She doesn't know exactly what she wants there as she moves to get a glass and stops by the water fountain, hand clutching at the cool metal edge and watching as the water slowly fills the cup. Too slowly.
"Lena," Calum's voice is careful as it comes from somewhere behind her and she groans, staring at the wall.
"Calum, I mean this in the nicest way possible but get out," she says, as calmly as she possibly can, closing her eyes as she takes a sip.
"Lena," he tries again and she sighs.
"Look, really wanna do something self-destructive, picking a fight with you right now would definitely do that and I don't wanna say something I can't take back, so please leave me alone, I promise I'll talk to you once I stop feeling like wanna smash something," she says, clutching the cup with both hands, still staring at the wall.
"Okay, just call me if you need me," he says and she nods.
"Yeah." She is actually surprised when she hears him walking away, but she stays there, slowly counting her breaths as she sips on her water, trying to get a grip on her feelings when she hears footsteps behind her again.
"Calum, I said please," she groans, putting the cup down, but the voice that comes from behind her makes her head snap back.
"Not Calum," Andy says, and she finds him leaning against the doorway, "he did send me, though, he said he didn't think you should be alone," he explains and she stares at him for a few seconds before crossing the room straight into his chest, making him huff out a laugh as he wraps his arms around her, "what happened?"
"We're going on tour," she says, stepping back so she can look at him.
"And you're upset why exactly?" He frowns at her and she purses her lips.
"With 5sos," she says and understanding floods his face.
"We're opening?" He asks and she nods slowly, "so you're not sad, you're pissed."
"Yes."
"Got it, wanna go find something for us to break?"
"Yes, please."
The wait was agonizing. And it was throwing him off. It wasn't like this was the first time Calum and Lena had gone for days without hearing from each other. It wasn't the first time they had a fight that ended with one of them storming off. Granted, this was the first time Lena was the one that initiated the divide between them and stuck with it. But he thought she would come back. She always came back.
Their silly arguments used to end fairly quickly and when he was the one storming out after tearing them apart in one swoop, he felt like he didn't have the right to miss her. He regretted walking out on her the second the door had closed behind him but some part of him still thought it was for the best.
But this time, there wasn't a piece of him that didn't desperately want to fix this. He needed to fix it somehow.
But Lena was gone, no one exactly sure where and it was agonizing because he was terrified he had lost her for good. He was terrified of what she would do.
Most of all he was terrified of how much he missed her.
Their relationship had been about distance for long enough for Calum to be able to compartmentalize the feeling. It came with the job. He was always missing someone.
But this time it felt different. Maybe because he couldn't just call and have the ache softened by the sound of her voice. Maybe it was because there was no escaping it when even looking at a picture of them just made him feel worse.
Someone else might've seen the irony in the way Lena was out, somewhere in the world, convinced he didn't love her while Calum was finally understanding how much he actually did.
Not that he wasn't aware of how non-platonic his feelings for her were. How non-platonic they had always been. But letting himself admit it had him seeing how deep those feelings ran and he couldn't believe how stupid he had been.
She loved him. He knew that for years. He loved her. He also knew that for years. So why had he fought so hard to keep her out? And how had he left himself make her believe he didn't love her?
Granted, he thought she was over him. He thought he had lost his chance. That his time to do something had passed. That a somewhat mended friendship was all he could have after what he did. So he convinced himself that it was what she wanted. That it was what he wanted. And because of that, he had no reaction to give her when she made her feelings known. Again.
The worst part is that he couldn't even blame her for leaving. He sure as fuck would've too if the roles were reversed. He would've done more damage as he left too. It wouldn't be as graceful.
The calm in which she had taken his hand and done the exact same thing he had all those years before, just leaving the piece of them she held onto when he didn't deserve it, all while looking him dead in the eyes, daring him to stop her, was not something he could have achieved.
She walked away and he had to let her do it. He couldn't offer what she wanted. But then again, all he wanted was to get her to stay.
It was how he ran into Andy. The roommate who most definitely hated him. Not that Calum blamed him.
"She's flying back," Andy told him after an awkward greeting, turning back to Calum, “tomorrow if she gets on the plane,” he added before Calum could ask, sliding to the booth across from him.
“You talked to her?” Calum asked and he nodded, "is she safe?"
"She said she is."
"Do you believe her?"
"I don't know," he said, rubbing his forehead.
“How is she?”
“How do you think?” Andy huffed, rolling his eyes.
“I’m still asking,” he said simply and Andy studied him for a few seconds before answering.
“Well, she sounded a lot like she did last time,” he finally said and Calum frowned.
“I don’t know what that means." Those words frustrated him. He used to think there wasn't a part of Lena he didn't know and he didn't like to be confronted with the fact that he didn't know her as well as he thought.
“She sounded numb, dude, avoidance is something she mastered, it was like she couldn’t handle all she was feeling, I’m relieved she’s coming back, the numb stage was a bad one,” he ran a hand through his hair and for a second Calum wondered if he really wanted to know, but he couldn't stop himself from asking.
“Why?”
“She cried for like a whole week and one day she just stopped, it was like she decided she didn't want to feel it anymore, but she wasn't feeling anything else either, she was moving on auto-pilot, burying herself into distractions, she landed herself in the hospital once."
“I didn’t know that."
“She passed out on campus, it sounds worse than it was," Andy's voice was dismissive as he crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned back on his seat.
“What happened?”
“She was dehydrated, pushed herself too hard, she was actually at the campus health center when it happened, not that anyone thought to tell me that when they called me, it was all ‘Lena is in the hospital, you gotta get here now’," he breathed out a puff of air and Calum considered his words. He really couldn't blame the guy for the way he reacted whenever he was around Lena.
"That sounds like a lot."
"I've spent the whole week waiting for that call again," Andy said, voice low, sounding as if he didn't want to admit what he'd been thinking but also as if he needed Calum to know how bad it could get.
"I know what you think of me, but I'm not trying to hurt her," he defended himself but the other man shook his head.
"You wanting to do it or not doesn't change how it's always happening," he challenged and Calum felt stunned for a second.
"Did you talk to her about-"
"Your situation and why she ran? Yes," he nodded and Calum looked expectantly at him.
"And?"
"She's hiding, she does that, hide until she can handle what she’s feeling," he said and Calum nodded. That he knew. He used to have a list of places she usually hid back home for the days she would run without telling him where she was going. Under the bleachers at their old school, the lookout not far from her mum's house, the park a few blocks from his place, the old playground by Michael's. He used find her and just sit with her until she was ready to talk. "I remember at the beginning of our second year she disappeared for a few days and then came back like nothing happened, I still don’t know where she went,” Andy added with a frustrated huff, and Calum frowned at him. He knew what happened.
“She came to see me," he said and got a puzzled look in return, "We were doing promo back home and she just showed up and followed us around, I think we were telling people she was our hairstylist or something like that.”
Lena had called him one day, saying she was at his hotel lobby. He had not believed her at first but went down anyway, grinning when he saw her, clutching the straps of her backpack while she bounced on the balls of her feet waiting for him. It took until he saw the anxious look on her face as she turned to him for him to start to question why she was there, it was a nine-hour drive after all, but she just hugged him and shrugged the question off. He knew she needed a distraction and he was happy to provide it. Their manager had been annoyed about it, but still made the necessary arrangements for her to be able to stay with him. She went to interviews, and a photoshoot, standing in a corner laughing as she fluffed Michael’s hair with a comb sticking out of her back pocket, saying Calum needed more hair gel, and sat next to him in the back of the van as if she belonged there. The night before they left she curled up on his bed and cried telling him about the fight she had with her mother, and how she just got in her car and drove. The same car he closed the door to in the hotel parking lot because she needed to go back to uni and he had another plane to catch.
“She stayed with us until I had to leave."
“She went to you?” He asked, sounding skeptical and Calum nodded.
“She used to do that a lot, come to me when she wanted to run, I always tried to be there if I could."
"It's just been a while since she ran without telling me." He was back to looking frustrated and Calum narrowed his eyes at him.
"You really care about her, don't you?"
“She’s my family, and honestly, I’m sick of hearing her cry over you, I can’t say I understand why she loves you."
“We had good years before things got too complicated."
“Complicated,” he huffed out a chuckle and Calum frowned.
“What?”
“When she was angry she would pace around, going on about how you kept saying it’s complicated, and calling you very creative names," the blonde explained with a chuckle and Calum narrowed his eyes at him.
"How much did she tell you?" He asked, genuine curiosity in his voice.
"Enough. I think she downplays some of the parts that hurt her the most, but I'm not sure if she's trying to get me not to hate you or if she's just sparing herself."
"It's probably both."
"Definitely both."
"I've been thinking about what you said," Calum said after a beat of silence and Andy looked confused.
"Me?"
"About being someone who deserves how much she loves me," He explained and Andy narrowed his eyes at him. It was unsettling to see how much they looked like Lena's when he stared at him like that.
"Right," he said, sounding skeptical.
"I can't change the shit that already happened, I would if I could, go back and smack some sense into myself, but if she lets me I'll try for as long as it takes to fix it," he paused, but Andy looked unconvinced, "you think she'll talk to me?"
"Honestly? No. Not right now at least," he added after a beat, "but maybe, if you are serious about this, she'll come around."
"I am serious," Calum said and Andy studied him carefully, before seemingly deciding he was being sincere by giving him a small nod.
"Then maybe you still have a chance."
Lena lost track of how long she had been sitting in her car, phone in her hand trying to decide what to do. Calum said to call him if she needed him, so she could call even if she didn’t necessarily need him at the moment. She just feels bad for the way she reacted. And she always hated fighting the urge to talk to him.
The decision shouldn’t be this hard. She should just call him if she wants to talk to him. At least that’s what she’s been telling herself for at least the last thirty minutes, music blaring through the car while clicking in and out of Calum’s contact.
“Just do it,” she tells herself, pausing the music, leaning back against the seat, and closing her eyes as she clicks the call button.
"Hi, L," Luke's voice comes through the phone when she thought the call was about to go to voicemail and Lena frowns slightly, pulling the phone off her ear and checking the screen to see if she dialed the right number, finding Calum's name on it.
"Luke?" She asks, sounding confused and he giggles.
"Cal is occupied, but I didn't want to leave you hanging."
"Oh, you didn't have to, I can call back later," she says, scratching her neck as she hears Calum's voice at a distance.
"Is that my phone?" Calum asks and Luke must've agreed because he adds, "why are you on my phone?" sounding a lot closer.
"It's L, you've been checking it compulsively," Luke says and there's a commotion where she assumes the phone is being passed around because she stops understanding what they are saying.
"Lena? Is everything okay?” He asks, sounding concerned, making her chuckle.
"You said to call if I needed you."
"I did."
"But you're busy, we can talk later, it's fine," she says, scratching her neck but he's quick to stop her dismissal.
"We're pretty much done, I'll be off, in like ten, twenty minutes?"
"Can you meet me then?"
"Yeah, you want me to stop by your place? You wanna come over? You wanna go somewhere? I don't have my car so I would have to go get it but-" He sounds eager and that makes her giggle, looking around herself before interrupting him.
"I can pick you up,” she offers, adjusting in the seat.
“I’ll wait for you then."
“You got your license?” Calum said, sounding skeptical and mildly jealous as he leaned against the open window, making Lena pout, as she gripped the steering wheel tighter.
“Just get in, some of us still have a curfew," she complained and he opened the door, sliding into the passenger side.
“You didn’t answer,” he said while she watched him.
“Seatbelt,” she said and he rolled his eyes, buckling in, “of course I got it, you think mum would let me get the car if I didn’t have a license?”
“When did this happen?”
“About a month ago,” she shrugged, carefully making the car move again and she didn't have to look at him to know he looked offended as he shifted in the seat.
“A month? And you didn’t tell me?"
“And miss the look on your face when I rolled up? No chance," she teased, glancing at him.
“I can’t believe you got your license before me,” he complained, pushing the seat back so he could sit more comfortably and she rolled her eyes.
“No, you’re not allowed to complain, you were just on a world tour, who cares about cars?”
“Says the one with a car."
“It’s not like it's my car.”
“You’re driving it."
“It's not that exciting, but sometimes mum lets me drive myself to school, so that’s cool.'
"So, where are we going?"
"I have no idea, I didn't think that far," she laughed, tapping on the steering wheel.
"We can drive around until we find someplace to stop," he offered and she considered it while he leaned forward to mess with the radio.
“Wait, wanna go to the lookout?” She said, suddenly, looking at him and he grinned at her as he finally got the radio to work.
Lena parked the car, still far from the edge, but close enough for them to be able to look at the lights of the city below, before getting out, moving to the front of the car, Calum following her, looking amused as she moved so she could sit on the hood, patting the space beside her as she leaned against the windshield.
"You've been coming here alone?" He asked once he was settled beside her, and she shrugged, glancing at him.
"Nah, it's weird being here now," she pressed her lips together while he watched her. Everything they used to do together felt lacking when he wasn't there. It just made the constant ache of missing him that much more intense, "and mum doesn't like me being out here by myself so…"
"It's probably not a good idea," he chuckled, eyes still on her making her slide closer to him and drop her head on his shoulder, holding on to his arm. She couldn't quite believe he was really there. Not just a voice on her phone or a face on a screen but within her reach. It made her want to hold on and never let him leave again. And that was stupid all things considered. It was never going to happen. She knew she needed to get over her feelings for him. But that was a problem for future Lena. At that moment the only thing that mattered was that Calum really was there.
"I've been meaning to tell you something," she said, looking forward and she felt him moving beside her.
"What?" He asked and she chewed on her bottom lip.
"It's okay if you're gonna be too busy, I didn't think you'd be here, but you are and well, I can't not invite you but really is okay if you can't go-" she was rambling and she knew she should just say it but the words wouldn't come out until Calum interrupted her.
"Go where?" He chuckled, and she pulled away so she could look at him.
"I booked a gig," she blurted out, pressing her lips together and anxiously watching him. But as his face lit up with a smile she felt stupid for being anxious about telling him. Of course he would be happy for her.
"Really?"
"It's not, you know, one direction, stadium world tour, but they told me they sold like few hundred tickets and I'm just opening and no one is gonna be there to see me and it's okay if you can't go," she was babbling and he looked amused.
"I'm going," he told her and she pressed her lips together.
"Really?"
"You think I'd miss it?"
"I didn’t think you’d be here," she chuckled and he rolled his eyes.
"But I am, so… When is it?"
"The day before you're set to leave."
"I'll be there," he said, sounding determined and that just made her smile at him.
Lena’s about to reach for her phone to let Calum know she’s there when she hears a tap on the passenger window, and she’s startled for a second before unlocking the door.
“How did you know I was here?” She laughs, watching as Calum gets in.
“I didn’t,” he says, making her frown at him, “I saw the car,” he explains, adjusting the seat and buckling in and she nods.
"Right."
"Where are we going?" He asks when they start moving and she laughs.
"I didn't think that far."
"So we're just driving around then?" He asks and she shrugs, "what happened that got you that upset?" He adds and she can feel him watching her.
"You don't know?" She asks, glancing at him and he frowns at her, "I'm your opening act," she adds and she can see he's fighting to keep his expression neutral.
"You are?" He asks, failing to mask the excitement in his voice. She thinks she'll be excited about it soon enough, she liked performing too much to be upset for long. And she knows he's excited about the thought of having her around while on the road again. But she's unsure how she feels about being on tour with him. It's just hard not to think about how badly the last tour they did together ended for the both of them. And they went in with a relationship that was a lot more stable than whatever's happening between them at the moment.
"Yep," she nods and he's still watching her carefully.
"Okay," he says, sounding unsure and she sighs.
"You know the agreement for the relationship?" She starts, looking at him at a red light and he nods, "I didn't know that I was agreeing to the tour too. I'm not mad I'm going on tour with you guys because of you guys, it just felt like a step back you know? And I know I ain't selling out arenas and that this is a good opportunity but I am annoyed." Most of all she's annoyed about the way she keeps getting tricked into doing things, but there's a part of her that doesn't want to do the tour simply because she feels like her career moved so much since the last time she opened for them. Two albums out, a third on the way. Was it crazy for her to not want to do the thing that started it all again?
“Why?” Calum asks and she chews on her bottom lip trying to figure out the right thing to say to get him to understand the issue she has with the situation.
“How would you feel if I told you you need to tour with one direction again?” She asks in return, stealing a glance at him and seeing the emotions on his face as he processes her words: confusion being replaced with understanding being replaced with uneasiness.
“Got it."
“I am sorry about earlier though, so you can stop with the monosyllabic answers-" she chuckles, feeling restless over the way his reactions feel too careful.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he says before she can finish her thought.
"-and you're allowed to be happy I'm going on the road with you again," she continues and he laughs.
"I am?" He sounds equal parts unsure and excited and it's a bit disarming.
"Yeah."
"Are you? All things considered?" He asks, genuine concern in his voice, and she considers the question.
"Well, it’s fun, so I'm sure I'll be excited about it soon, but if I'm being honest the idea of spending months seeing you on a semi-daily basis again it's a bit unsettling," she admits, fighting the urge to look at him because she doesn't want to know what she would see in his face if she did.
"Unsettling?"
"I don't know, okay? It's just, I'm trying not to shut you out, but it's weird."
“What?”
“Not fighting the urge to talk to you, I got used to it,” she says, tapping her thumbs against the steering wheel, “we need to finish the song, though,” she chuckles, glancing at him, wanting to change the subject.
“I like the way it is now," he says, simply. She does too. That version may only exist as a voice note recorded with Calum's phone but there's something about it. She really hopes they can capture that in the studio.
“Yeah, me too, but you really think it's gonna work with just the piano?" It's definitely not her usual style and she's worried about how it would sound.
"We could try it out,"
"We can work on it."
“Whenever you want."
“Not now though, now we’re doing something stupid,” she giggles, finally realizing where she wants to go.
“How stupid are we talking here? ‘Cause you have really high standards for stupid,” he jokes and she pouts.
“Hey!” She complains, sounding offended and he laughs.
“I’m just saying, are you just planning on driving until we run out of gas, or are you skipping that and just going straight to the airport? I'm down if you wanna flee the country again, you just need to tell me first,” he tells her and she can't help the way her heart flutters.
“So you would run away with me?”
“Always,” he says, making her have to press her lips together to control the smile threatening to take over her face. It feels unfair, the way he keeps getting these reactions out of her without even trying.
"Do I need a plane ticket and a shiny ring with your name on it?" She jokes, more in an attempt to keep the conversation lighthearted than anything else, but she starts laughing when he groans, rolling his eyes.
"I take it back," he says, and she glances at him, trying to determine how much he means it, but he seems to be fighting to keep a straight face.
"Too late, you're already in the car," she shrugs and he fakes outrage.
"That's kidnapping."
"Hey, you got in willingly," she laughs, looking at him when he laughs too, the sound making her heart beat faster. "I just want ice cream though," she adds, and he nods.
"Of course you do, but why is that stupid?"
"Because we are gonna go out into the world, I don't wanna sit in the car."
"The stupid part here is the risk of getting recognized then, got it."
"For all intents and purposes, we're selling the idea you're my boyfriend now so who the fuck cares if we get spotted together?"
"That's the spirit."
For some reason, Lena hadn't thought about what the batch of promo she would be doing between the legs of the tour meant for her and Calum until she had all her stuff taken down and was about to be ushered into the van to catch a plane to somewhere she wasn't sure where it was. They had three weeks off, at least the band had, she would only get a few days before having to meet the boys for the first show of the North America leg, she was in full promo mode and her team was driving her crazy.
But as she thought about how Calum had said goodbye, too quickly for her to fully process it, she couldn't help but feel anxious. This would be the longest they would be apart since whatever was happening between them had started. And she didn't know what to expect. Things between them had been easy enough she didn't think she had anything to worry about until she was standing in an empty hotel room, looking around to see if she had forgotten something only to find one of Calum's flannels on the couch in the corner.
And suddenly worrying was all she could do, even though she knew she couldn't make any demands. What would they do when the tour started again? Go back to just being friends? Stay in the routine of sneaking into each other's hotel rooms and hooking up in what sometimes felt like any space where they could get alone long enough for sex to happen?
Sure, it wasn't just sex. No matter what Calum said about not giving her a relationship, something more was going on between them. They talked more, they laughed more and Lena couldn't remember the last time they were in a hotel and she fell asleep alone. It was as if removing that line between them that they had danced around for years had them settling into a level of comfort with each other she never had with anyone else. But sometimes she did worry if it was all about proximity. So she was worried about whether the distance between them would change things again. She knew how quickly their relationship could shift. Had things been permanently altered or would this put them back the way they were before they acted on the attraction between them? Could she ever go back if he wanted to, knowing what it was like to have him, all of him? She wasn't sure.
But standing there wasn't going to change anything. She had to leave. There was a plane she needed to be on and she would have plenty of time to wonder if that morning before Calum left had been her last chance to kiss him and just pretend he was hers for a while.
She had just finished checking the front pocket of her backpack to make sure she had her passport and was clutching the fabric of Calum's flannel as she glanced around one more time when the door opened.
"Hey," Calum said, walking in, looking a little breathless under the carefree expression he was wearing as he closed the door behind him.
"Hi," Lena answered, eyeing him suspiciously, "you forgot this," she added, offering him the flannel and he nodded, taking it and putting it on over his t-shirt so he wouldn't have to carry it, "I was about to go find you."
"I thought I should walk you down," he said, stepping closer to her. He was staying there another day, doing some exploring, like Ashton liked to say, so there was no rush for him to leave.
"Okay," she giggled, "let's go then, 'cause I don't need Sylvia yelling at me," she added, adjusting the straps of her backpack on her shoulders and moving to walk around him. She knew not to wait for anything other than him just walking next to her, there was no telling who could see them, so she was surprised when he grabbed her hand.
"Wait," he told her, pulling her to him and she barely had time to react before he was kissing her. And there was nothing calm about it, the way he was kissing her made her head spin as she held on to him.
"Okay, now we can go," he said, pulling away from her, leaving her chasing his lips before she grabbed hold of his shirt and pulled him back to her. She wanted more. She wanted to map out the way kissing him felt like in case she didn't have the chance to do it again and that was what she did. She focused on the feeling of his lips on hers and his hands on her body and the feelings coursing through her.
"Now we can go," she laughed, a little breathless, pulling away from him and moving to the door. She knew he would follow her. And they walked down to the parking lot, after giving the key cards to her manager, Lena rambling about how excited she was for this round of interviews while Calum watched her with a grin on his face that made her heart beat faster.
He pulled her in for a hug, after checking to see if the parking lot was in fact empty, and she breathed him in before pulling away.
"I'll see you in a few weeks," she said, standing on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek before going into the van, putting the backpack on the seat before sitting closer to the open door to wait, leaning into the frame.
"Yeah."
Lena half expected him to turn around and leave, but he surprised her again by looking around, hoisting himself into the van, kissing her one more time, way too fast for her liking, before going back out, at the same time her manager showed up with the rest of her team.
"Bye, love," Calum said, winking at her, making her laugh, "call me when you land."
“Did you ever think about how fucked up it is that we spend so much of our lives moving?” Lena asks, slamming the car door closed as Calum stops next to her.
“Are you getting philosophical on me?” He asks, narrowing his eyes at her and she shakes her head.
“No, I mean literally,” she explains, and they start moving to the ice cream shop.
“That somehow makes even less sense,” he chuckles and she looks up at him.
“We are always on vehicles, you know? Cars, vans, buses, planes,” she lists, counting her finger and his eyebrow furrow as he studies her.
“Why are you thinking about that?”
“You mentioned running, I started thinking about planes, got into a little existential crisis,” she shrugs, pressing her lips together.
“And decided to drag me with you?" Calum teases, raising an eyebrow at her.
“It’s because you have a headstart on me, I was wondering if you ever had that moment, so, you know, thought I’d do some dragging, ask if you ever wanted to just stop moving." Lena sounds more frustrated than she expects and she chews on the inside of her cheek as she waits for him to say something.
"So you are getting philosophical on me." He looks so understanding, it's disarming.
"I guess," she sighs, scratching her neck and he cooks his head looking at her before reaching around her to open the door.
"Yeah, I have," he says, holding the door open for her to walk into the shop and she murmurs a thank you as she walks in.
"What do you do about it? How do I make the feeling go away?" She asks, stopping suddenly, looking at him and he has to hold out his hands, landing them on her waist so he wouldn't hit her.
"What makes you think I'm any better at it than you?" He laughs, guiding her to the line and she doesn't miss the way his hand stays on the small of her back.
"I mean, everyone seems better at this than me right now, so," she shrugs, trying to sound nonchalant but he can clearly see through it.
Calum seems to be trying to find the right words to say but before he could it's their turn to order and it's not until they are sitting on opposite sides of one of the booths that he speaks again.
"I know that's the worst possible answer, and I sound like a bad self-help book, but you gotta find what works for you."
"Running really works for me," she says, digging into her sundae and he laughs.
"Maybe try calling it a vacation the next time."
"But that's boring," she fake-complains, pouting a little too hard.
"You can always lean into the chaos," he chuckles and she sighs.
"But then I have to deal with the consequences and I'm tired of the consequences," she says, looking down and swirling the spoon around the glass dish.
"Love," Calum's voice is careful and she looks up at him, not letting him continue.
"There's gotta be a better way than imploding my life, that's all I'm saying," she shrugs, shoving ice cream in her mouth in an act that doesn't seem nearly as carefree as she would hope.
"Well, you can find different outlets, but knowing you that would just distract you from the problem, maybe try therapy? That helped me."
"Oh, I am," she tells him, and he laughs at the look on her face.
"Not as instantaneous as you thought it would be, right?"
"Why can't she just fix me?" She complains with a laugh, moving her arms dramatically around her and getting a pressed-lip smile as an answer. Calum's watching her and the look in his eyes makes her feel uneasy. She can't tell what he's seeing in her face but she can't tell he doesn't like seeing it.
"I'm sorry," he says after a beat. So that's what the look was. Guilt.
"What I did is not on you, you know."
"Yeah, but what I did to you is, and I am sorry for my part in it."
"And I forgave you already so, if we want this to work, I need you to stop apologizing."
At first, Lena thought she was imagining the taps on her window. She was still feeling loopy and she was exhausted after the day she had but she couldn't get comfortable. She didn't know if it really was the stitches and the bandage or if it was just how she was extremely aware of them. But the sound happened again and she could swear she heard her name, so she got up, moving to the window. She frowned as she opened it, feeling confused. Were the painkillers enough to get her hallucinating?
"Why are you on my window?" She whispered, carefully leaning forward so she could talk to Calum.
"You weren't answering and your mum won't let me in." He looked anxious, trying his best to scan her through the window as he moved closer to her.
"Because you're an idiot who told her it was your fault," she rolled her eyes because her mum was driving her crazy over what happened, but she regretted the action when he flinched, guilt twisting his features.
"It was my fault." His voice was small even for the rushed whisper conversation they were having and it twisted her heart.
"I fell, it was not your fault," she assured him, but his eyes were still filled with guilt.
"How are you?" He asked, studying her as best he could through the window.
"I'm fine," she assured him but he gave her an unimpressed look.
"Lena."
"I got some stitches, there's some bruising, nothing to worry about." She was downplaying it and they both knew it. She knew it because she had nine stitches under her ribs on her left side towards her back on top of the bruising that came with landing too hard which made it hard for her to even move her arm. He knew it because he saw it as it happened. She didn't see the cut, it was out of her line of sight and she wasn't tempted to try, but the panicked look on Calum's face as Coach ran to her was not something she would forget any time soon.
"I'm sorry."
"It was an accident."
"But-" he tried and she knew he would continue to try and take the blame if she let him talk.
"Calum, were you trying to hurt me?"
"Of course not!" He exclaimed, loud enough for her to worry her mum may have heard it, but she didn't really care.
"Then accept it wasn't your fault, and that I'm fine," she said, but he was still looking anxiously at her. "Just get in," she said, sounding exasperated and moving back so he could climb through the window. "See? I'm fine," she joked, motioning to herself once he was in and he stopped, looking at her.
Calum seemed to determine she was fine because, after a few seconds, she was being pulled into him. The hug would've been tight enough to leave her breathless on a good day, and it felt good after the day she had, but she couldn't stop the pained whimper that escaped her when his arm hit the stitches.
"Shit, sorry," he reacted by letting go of her, taking a few steps back, guilt back to twisting his features when she winced as she touched her side, "are you okay?"
"We already established that I'm fine," she said, closing the distance between them again and wrapping her arms around his middle, "but you won't be if you don't hug me back in the next second," she threatened, hiding her face on the crook of his neck when he didn't move, "I know you got scared but I was the one that was stuck in the ER, so can you just fucking hug me?" She complained, grabbing his arms and placing them around her shoulders and he laughed, tightening his arms around her.
"Are you sure you're fine?" He asked, his face hidden in her hair and she chuckled.
"They let me out of the hospital so how bad could it be?" She mumbled into his skin, before stepping away from him.
"I'm so fucking sorry," he said and she cocked her head, looking at him.
"Hey, all you did was kick a ball," she said, fighting the urge to reach for his hand or caress his cheek given the way he was looking at her.
"I shouldn't have-"
"Oh sure, the footballer shouldn't have kicked a ball,” she interrupted him, rolling her eyes and giving him an unimpressed look, “it was a streak of bad luck, Cal, you had no way of knowing I wasn't gonna be able to catch that, no one in the school had any idea that nail had been dislodged and it sure as fuck was bad luck that I managed to miss the step and land in a way that made that nail drag across my-" she stopped talking when he flinched, and they stared at each other for a beat before his expression softened.
"You're not usually this logical," he pointed out and she shrugged.
"I've been trying to convince mum it wasn't your fault all afternoon," she complained, letting out a dramatic groan and he shook his head.
"Why?"
"She took my phone because you wouldn't stop texting, I needed to do something.”
"So that's why you haven't been answering?"
“Obviously, when did I not answer you?” She said, giving him an annoyed look and he chuckled, “also I had a feeling I might have to convince you you didn't do anything wrong."
“I’m still unconvinced,” he said and she frowned at him.
"If you need me to say it, I forgive you for forgetting I have no athletic inclination," she joked, playfully hitting his chest and he nodded.
"Yeah, what was I thinking believing you could catch a ball without landing yourself in the ER," he deadpanned, and something about it had her breaking down laughing before feeling the stitches and stopping, touching her side.
"Don't make me laugh, it hurts," she complained with a pained chuckle and his face went serious again.
"Did they tell you how long?" Calum asked, scratching his neck.
"I have to go back next week to get the stitches out, but the doctor said the bruising from the way I landed may last longer.”
"This sucks."
"Maybe it will leave a cool scar," she shrugged, pressing her lips together, and he sighed.
"I should go before your mum catches me in here," he said, pointing back to the window and she nodded.
"Okay."
"I'll see you in school tomorrow?" He asked and she shook her head.
"I have a doctor's note, so probably not."
"Right,” he agreed, thinking for a second before adding, “I'll stop by after practice then, bring your homework, maybe your mum will let me in then."
"I'll continue to try and convince her it wasn't your fault."
"Thanks," he kissed the side of her head, moving back to the window, but he stopped before he reached it, "Lena?" He said, turning back, and she scratched her neck.
"Yeah?"
"I love you," he said, stepping back closer to her and she blinked at him a couple of times.
"I know, I don't need to hear it just because I got hurt," she said, tucking her hair behind her ear. It was not like they had never said that to each other before, hell, Calum would end every call with a cheerful “love ya” when he was in Brazil a few months back, but the look on his face felt too serious.
"But I need to say it, you're my best friend, and today sucked, so I need to say it,” he explained, his face intense and Lena wasn’t sure how to react.
“Sweetheart,” she breathed, but she wasn't sure what she wanted to say, so she just moved to wrap her arms around his waist again, "I love you too," she said, head on his chest when he wrapped his arms around her, "you're, like, my favorite person in the planet."
"So can we not go all deep and emotional? At least not right now," she asks, crossing her arms on the table and leaning her chin on top of it, looking at him with pleading eyes, making him laugh and lean back in his seat.
"I'm all for following your lead, remember?"
"Right," she nods, feeling her cheeks heating up as she watches him.
She's not really thinking when she pulls out her phone and snaps a picture of him, the spoon in his mouth and chocolate on his cheek making her act before she processes what she's doing.
"What was that?" Calum asks with a chuckle, raising an eyebrow at her and she shrugs, putting the phone facing down on the table before she can stare at the picture for too long.
"You have chocolate on your cheek."
"So you just took a picture?"
"Yeah," she nods, smiling when it takes him a few tries to clean his cheek.
"Why?"
"Because you're cute," she blurts out, her eyes widening when she notices she said it out loud and he laughs.
"Thanks?"
"Yeah," she drops her forehead to her arms for a second, before looking back at him, letting out a "hey" and sitting up straight when he takes a picture of her too.
"Gotta keep things fair," he teases and she can't help but laugh.
"Idiot," she complains, focusing on her almost-finished ice cream.
"You started it," he shrugs, smiling at her. It's not until that moment that it occurs to her that this feels like a date. And she doesn't know how to feel about it. "Love?" He frowns at her, maybe she's wearing her feelings on her face, and she shakes her head.
"Sorry, I got-" she starts but her phone buzzes in a familiar pattern that lately makes her skin crawl. And she stares at it as it does it again. And a third time that makes her grimace at it like it's radioactive.
"What's wrong?" Calum asks, eyebrows furrowed as he studies her and she sighs.
"Sylvia," she explains, picking the phone up and unlocking it, it would be worse if she ignored it, clicking the notification to find an inquiry as to what she's doing and if she was with Calum and a link. To fucking Twitter. With a picture of them.
"Fuck that was fast," Lena mumbles, sliding in the seat so she could get closer to him to show him the texts.
"Still don't care?" He asks when he finishes reading it and she shakes her head.
"Nah, we look cute," she says, pulling the tweet her manager had linked her to and showing it to him. The picture really is cute, the wilder angle getting the whole booth, her arms crossed on the table, her chin leaning into them as she looks at him, and he's smiling at her, leaning back against the seat. But it does have her looking at the window from where she thinks it was taken.
"What do you think would happen if I liked this?" Calum asks, snapping her out of her thoughts and making her giggle.
"Chaos?"
"And if I retweeted and tagged you?" He has a mischievous glint in his eyes that makes her raise an eyebrow at him.
"I thought I was the one doing stupid shit?"
"Why is it stupid?" He challenges and she presses her lips together.
"I don't know."
"Wait, I have a better idea," he says, pulling out his phone and she laughs when she realizes what he's planning.
"You do remember I don't have access to my official accounts anymore, right?"
"Good thing you're not the only one in this then," he teases, bopping her nose, making her laugh.
"Can I at least see the picture before you do whatever you're about to do?"
"Nah."
"But-"
"Relax, it's a good picture," he says, posting it to his story and she shakes her head, feeling resigned.
"Okay then, give me your phone."
"Why?"
"We might as well go all out," she says, sending the picture she took earlier to him and putting her phone down while taking the phone from his hand and sliding closer to him.
"No soft-launching then, huh?" She laughs, after hitting post, clicking on the bubble with his picture to see the picture he posted of her. And it's a bit weird for her to see the fond look in her eyes as she looks at a point slightly above the camera, so she leans back in the seat. Only realizing Calum had his arm on the seat behind her when she hit it, and suddenly she's extremely aware that she's pressed against his side. Even more when he drapes his arm around her shoulders.
"It's not like I never posted anything with you before," he says, accepting the phone she's handing back.
"You haven't in a while, though, or me posting you for that matter," she says, relaxing into him, even if just unconsciously, her head dropping to his shoulder. "Should we get out of here before someone finds out where we are and decides to come check?" She adds after a beat and he nods.
"I think yes," he says, sliding out and offering her his hand, she takes it and lets him hold it on the way back to her car.
"I don't wanna drive, though," she tells him, crinkling her nose while offering him her car keys. And the laugh she gets in response is enough to keep her smiling all the way home.
_____
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