#and then when i got over covid i got a full time job (that dream job that only lasted 2 months)
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I feel like I wasted my summer.
On paper I know I didn't. I worked for a month and a half at a place I've always wanted to work. I hung out with new friends more than I expected to. I hung out with old friends. I auditioned for a show and got a callback for the first time in my life (didn't get cast but that's fine). I finished a bunch of crochet and knitting projects.
I've even had nearly 2 weeks completely to myself because my parents are out of town. I basically became a hermit during that time. But the gig I thought I'd be working right now ended up falling through. I was happy at first to have nothing to do because April-July felt like it was full speed ahead with maybe 2 weeks of quiet in the middle. So having free time and not working for the last 6 or so weeks felt great.
But now that it's September, I feel so anxious. I have no gigs set up until October at the earliest unless something changes, so I have no income at the moment. My apartment is a mess and I'm overwhelmed since I need to tidy up at least a bit before my parents get back. My dishes are piling up because I get overwhelmed looking at them so I put it off, then I add more, then I get overwhelmed, then I put it off, rinse and repeat for over a week. I was supposed to go through a pile of old mail and I can't even look at it. I have plans the next two days so I NEED to clean up everything today, tomorrow night, or Monday. Or I could be a recluse and not do the plans tomorrow. I am honestly somewhat leaning that way. Though I know if I cancel to give myself more time to clean, I'll probably just sit in my apartment too anxious to even start and then feel even worse, and guilty for cancelling.
I LOVE autumn. I am really happy it's September. But September arriving reminds me that with summer ending, the free time doesn't feel as good. September has always been chaos month in my life because of school then college then my old job. Last year September was chaos because grandma was sick and I was going to Hawaii for my cousin's wedding and then I caught covid. This September is almost too calm. It's like it's empty.
I'm sure in a week or so when it starts getting cooler, I'll be glad again that I have this free time and probably take a billion long walks around and enjoy the fall air. But right now I am literally on the verge of an anxiety attack over dishes, recycling, and mail. Yay.
#it really does not help that either today or tomorrow marks 1 year from the last time i saw my grandma#since me being sick with covid meant i couldn't visit her in the hospital.#i was also avoiding visiting her because i did the same when grandpa was sick years ago.#and then when i got over covid i got a full time job (that dream job that only lasted 2 months)#so i had no time before she passed. and that anniversary is coming up in october.#so definitely grief is influencing all this anxiety#but at the same time i see the mess i've been making and just don't want to do anything about it at all#i'm gonna go blow some bubbles. that forces me to breathe in a calming way. it'll calm me down a bit#my therapist told me to just set a timer for 5 minutes and put as many dishes as i can in the washer in that time#and then to stop. or continue depending on how i feel.#so i'm gonna blow some bubbles. eat a snack of some kind. and then set a 5 minute timer.
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jack being in love with quinn’s best friend and maybe he finally gets the girl
Brothers Best Friend
Jack Hughes x Reader, Quinn Hughes x Platonic!Reader
Description: Mr. Jack Rowden is in love with his older brothers life long best friend.
Note: Jacks pov because sometimes I just like writing male pov. Also if I miss any ndtp boys ignore it there’s too many for me to remember them all 😍😍😍.
Warnings: fluff, angst, cursing, brotherly banter and fights, underage drinking, no Covid off scene sex.
Ever since we were kids Quinn has had this best friend, Y/N, ever since they met in like 2011 they’ve been best friends. They met when our babysitter brought Quinn, Luke and I to a park and since then the girls spent every day at our house after school, and since about 2014, I’ve been borderline in love with her. Her hair, her eyes, her smile, her body, her style, everything. Even things that have changed over the years due to growth and experimentation with fashion. I love it all. And yes I know. She doesn’t do it for me or any other men. But it still makes me happy to see her so confident and happy.
:-:-:-:
Fast forward to 2020, Quinn and I just bought our lake house, and us, Luke, Trevor, Cole, Matt, Alex, and Y/N have been here for a week. Since the season for us just ended we’ve just been relaxing and resting before we get partying and having fun.
The first weeks of summer consisted of me hanging out with the ndtp guys of my year, Luke with some of his friends and Quinn with Y/N, Brady and Josh. Then when we all got more comfortable within the living situations we started by bringing in alcohol and starting smaller parties with Luke only being 17 sometimes we’ll send him to our parents for a weekend because yeah I’m underage too but partying at 19 is better than partying at 17. At least I’m legal in SOME countries nearby and a legal adult too so I’m responsible for myself.
The first few parties were quite uneventful, until we decided to actually incorporate the lake and have a ‘lake party’ instead of a ‘pool party’ so when everyone showed up in swimsuits, it turned into a horny haven. This wasn’t the first time I saw Y/N in a bikini, but I guess with the alcohol in my system I had the courage to stare more and actually talk to her and get her to ‘dance’ with me.
The music was loud and sexual, her ass was against my crotch as we danced (grinded) on each other. The party was in full swing and everything just felt amazing. Until the next morning… I woke up to my arms around a naked y/n, and a massive hangover between my ears. My head pounded and my ears were ringing, but there was a gorgeous girl in my arms so I can’t complain.
:-:-:-:
Mid August, when all the partying is done, and we relax for a few weeks before going back to our respective cities where we play hockey and/or go to school. I’m sat on a devils beach chair with y/n on my lap, Luke’s on a Michigan one, Quinn’s on a Canucks one, Cole’s on a USA one and Trevor I guess bought a Ducks one for some reason and he’s on that.
:-:-:-:-:
Ever since that summer, the summer of 2020, THEE summer of 2020, i haven’t been happier. I have my dream girl, my dream job, any parents, siblings and friends are all healthy and happy with where they are in life and my life is honestly perfect right now and as I said, I can’t be happier!
#jack hughes#jack hughes x reader#jack hughes blurb#jack hughes fanfiction#jack hughes imagine#luke hughes#quinn hughes#trevor zegras#cole caufield
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hey guys this is a huge personal rant about my irl so if u dont wanna read it just scroll!!
so as some of u will know i am disabled with fibromyalgia, hyper mobility and also depression and anxiety.
i started a small biz to try to help bring funds in as i cant work a proper job (i was even told by my dr that working was out of the option)
im feeling doubly, even tripley sorry for myself rn because not only do i have a disability, but i have it so bad that i can’t even do what most people with this disability can do (work part time or even full time in some cases)
my disability took away my dream from working with animals because its such a labour intensive job
i saw a silver lining in creating my small business because it was something i was really passionate about and was actually doing really well
in 2020-2021 i made £21k which is a reasonable salary for someone with no qualifications (i had to drop out of school due to my disability) and also a small business in their first year of existing
however since covid has “ended”, and lockdown was lifted, my sales have plummeted. the following year i only made £4k
this year i’m sure i’ve made even less
i cant keep up with my business because i’m way too stressed about money. stress makes fibromyalgia waaaay worse for those wondering
i cant sleep at night. i have awful insomnia. but when i do finally get to sleep, i cant wake up. i describe it as a sleep coma. its like sleep is literally pulling a blanket over my head and suffocating me back to sleep. i actively fight with my body every day for the ability to wake up
once i wake up i have minimum energy. this is spent doing small everyday tasks like watering my plants, playing with my dogs, putting away laundry, showering ect. once those tasks are done, i’m spent. i could sleep again. i have no energy or motivation to work on my business
but some days i dont even have the energy to do those small things
i just sort of “zombie mode” along all day. time goes quickly and slowly at the same time
i thought i’d been awake like 30mins earlier but it had been 5hrs and my dinner was ready
i’m basically always confused and not with it. earlier i put a tissue on the side and my mug in the bin (still with cold tea in it) instead of the other way around. i put soap in my hair and shampoo on my body puff
i dont know what to do
i have a drs appointment on 16th but that was booked over a month ago and its only over the phone. i rang today to try and book another one (because you can only discuss one issue at a time), and opted for the callback service (if your past 5th in the queue you press the callback and keep your spot). i was 8th. i never got a call back
i honestly just feel like the entire world is against me
im trying to get an adhd/autism diagnosis because i know something is “wrong” up there but i cant even get a regular appointment let alone a referral
i get no support from my government. no benefits. i scored a 0 on my PIP interview. im going to try for universal credit but someone recommended waiting for my adhd/autism diagnosis to really push them to give it to me but, as i said, i cant get an appointment
im making about 50-100 per month
i dont see anything bright in my future
if you read this far honestly your a gem. im sorry for burdening this on your shoulders. i just needed to write it down and get it off my chest
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thank you for the tag, @lokibus💕
Name: Riya (i also went by Valentine for a while with some friends and i really like that name but no one calls me that anymore)
Sign: taurus
Time: 20:46
Last movie: uhh good question. I started watching Pride and Prejudice (2005) yesterday and got distracted after 5 min by remembering that apparently jeans were worn in that time period already and then i had to google some stuff. The last movie i remember watching in full was Barbie at the cinema where i can't just gez distracted and turn the movie off lmao
Last show: season 2 of atla but in a language i don't speak bc that was the only version i found on YouTube (I own the dvds but i dont have a way to use them with my laptop)
When I created this blog: idk. I think the year before Covid? Or maybe shortly before it? What even is time
Other blogs: i got two. One i only used for a secret santa thingy so i won't reveal it in case i need a secret santa blog again. And then there is @brotfrevel. I created that blog when i was very deep into my ed and not comfortable with talking about it where people i know irl might see. I had this little project where each day that i resisted my i healthy habits, i added one element to an embroidery project (I'm happy to announce that I got much much better and the result of this silly little project is now a constanz reminder of that on my wall)
Do I get asks/may you ask me something: i love getting asks! (I've just been really inactive lately so if i didn't answer, I'm sorry. I've literally not been on tumblr for more thwn like five minutes in the last month or so)
Average hours of sleep: something between 5-7 hours i think. I tend to wake up at 1:30 am and then I'm unable to fall back asleep for a while and then i wake up again at around 3:40. So no idea how much sleep i actually get
Instruments: singing, guitar and violin. And technically i have my grandpa's old mandolin and know enough chords to play a couple of songs but the stings haven't been replaced in over 40 years and it's horribly out of tune so i don't play
What I’m wearing: yellow turtleneck sweater (an old one from my sister), an ugly but super comfy jacket (i think it's an old one from my other sister), jeans, pink socks with bees and I'm also gonna count the comfy blanket I'm wrapped into
Dream job: i meany I'd love to publish a book one day and have at least one person buy it but that's pretty unrealistic. So I'll go with being a kindergarten teacher
Tagging (no pressure): @combatbootsfemme @parttime-creative @dhwty-writes @mondglocke @lycanbucky @rebard-main
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Nightmarish Infatuation Part 5
A/N: Hello! Hope you lovelies are well! Who knew a full time job would take away so much of my time just like school did ): Fortunately, and unfortunately in some ways, I got COVID for the first time and had time to write. This is the second to last chapter. It’ll get a little intense, so I hope y’all like thrillers lol.
Warnings: Light gaslighting, manipulation, creepy yandere behavior (It is only for entertainment purposes, I do not condone this behavior).
Part 4: https://at.tumblr.com/mysticstrawberryphantom/nightmarish-infatuation-part-4/1plzrhjftfpu
Shock.
Disbelief.
Confusion.
Excitement.
A hint of offense.
Dream-like.
All those feelings hit you more than once during Dr Crane's stay at your home. More specifically, during your first kiss with him.
Or rather kisses.
That shocked you the most. For a week you didn't believe that he actually had kissed you since it had been done in such an impulsive manner. Not to mention that after kissing you he just stared at you until you said his name. To which all he responded with:
-"See you tomorrow."
His stare burned into your memory and would even surface a negative bodily response when it came to your thoughts. You wouldn't call the image of the look he gave you scary, but you also wouldn't call it comforting. Something inside you wanted to run away after seeing him look hungrily at you. It wasn't even a micro expression or feeling you picked up from physical contact. It was what you saw written all over his face clearly. His eyebrows raised, eyes half lidded, and mouth curled.
He wanted you.
The next day you couldn't even look him in the eye. After two hours of speaking to each other while you face every wall possible, Crane suggested you take a break and return to your nurse duties for the rest of the day.
It actually helped you a lot and you felt more at ease, that was until you were leaving the asylum and Crane was at the exit.
-"I just wanted to see you, and wish you a good night." His eyes burned into your skin.
You didn't need to touch him to feel his sincerity. -"Goodnight, Dr Crane."
And that charade continued for about thirteen days. Other doctors assumed you were taking a break after the Joker, you must've gotten scared, so rightfully so, you were resting.
It wasn't until Jonathan joined you for lunch and he spoke to you softly.
-"May I sit here, Miss L/N?"
-"S-Sure. It's free for anyone to take." You muttered before quickly taking a bite.
-"Miss L/N." He called out after a few minutes of silence.
-"Hmphrrph?" Your throat croaked due to your mouth being full of food.
-"You're making a mess." He responded while taking a napkin and wiping your mouth. You were eating a sandwich and some mustard had been taking a free ride in your bottom lip for the last minute.
He also nonchalantly wiped some crumbs near you off the table.
You, of course, flinched at him touching your bottom lip.
-"You could've just told me."
-"I know, and I usually don't even care." Jonathan began. -"I acted on impulse and instincts again, I apologize."
-"Again?"
-"Yes. Our kiss. I can tell that it has been bothering you greatly, I am sorry for causing this emotion based dilemma you are facing at the moment due to my advances." Adjusting his glasses, he finished. -"I will keep matters professional again, and will not seek you after work anymore. I even understand if you ask for a new mentor. I offended you, I should not have done that."
-"I, uh, wouldn't go that far. I'm not offended, and I definitely don't want to change mentors."
He leaned in, expectantly interested in what you were saying carefully.
-"Regardless - I wish you would've given me a warning or asked." You huffed while looking away so he couldn't see your embarrassed expression.
He, in turn, chuckled internally, how could've she not known he was going to kiss her after getting close in like that?
-"I just wasn't ready for that, is all. .. .. we both like each other, I simply wasn't expecting for us to do anything about it due to our work relation. I'm not sure if us changing our dynamic would be prudent."
Jonathan purred in almost a muted fashion. -"You'd prefer we forget that night and continue being work colleagues?" He purposely made his face look sad, disappointed.
-"I would, in normal circumstances, say that would be ideal. But I noticed that even though it's public knowledge, no one has changed the way they behave around us. Nor have any work interruptions, other than the ones by my hand, have occured."
Dr. Crane slid his hand so close to yours so you could feel his warmth near your skin. -"Are you-"
-"L-let's have a trial period. I'm just worried about my studies and how much it would affect them. Not to mention if we have a fight? What would happen then?"
-"Completely understandable, Ms L/N. I concur with your logical thinking." His lips slightly curled into a smile. -"I'm glad to have you be so thoughtful to counteract my impulses. I promise I will follow suit." He then longingly looked at your lips for a moment before leaning slightly forward.
Before you could protest, he spoke. -"May I kiss your cheek? Would you feel comfortable with that in this environment?"
After giving it a thought, you nodded. Dr. Crane then carefully and languidly pressed his lips on your cheek, a smile soon after being felt on the same cheek.
________________________________________________________________
It was raining.
Not really pouring.
Just raining.
Water was falling at a constant, relaxing rate. It was Sunday night and you were sitting at your kitchen island sipping on apple cider while reading a class assignment. "Reaching Down The Rabbit Hole." Unfortunately, this read was painful as it was interesting. Learning how diseases affected the patients depicted in the book caused thoughts of a sorrowful and aching past to dance in the back of your mind.
Sighing, you placed the book face down, open to the page you were on. Ever since you had started dating Jonathan, thoughts like those not only had become more frequent, but also held more power to sway your mood. Before you could easily dismiss them. But now as if you had a curse, they'd linger around you. Work, home, school. Places you frequented the most.
You got up, mildly frustrated, and walked to the window of your balcony to let your mind and eyes rest. Not that you could see much on a rainy night, but the city lights did look ethereal at times.
And then you saw something flutter in the corner of your eye. Quickly, your hand threw the balcony door open and you jumped outside.
-"Get out now!" You yelled as the other hand searched frantically and blindly for the broom you kept outside. -"Whoever you are!"
-"Ms. L/N, I don't mean to harm you. I just have questions." A very tall, dark figure with two spikes on top of his head and a cape that frapped alongside him as he showed himself.
-"Batman. " You inhaled almost silently. -"H -how long have you.."
-"Not long, just got here, and need to leave soon."
-"I won't offer you anything then." You responded professionally.
He nodded in agreement.
-"These flowers, how long have you had them?"
-"Not long.. .. why?"
-"Who gave them to you?"
-"My boyfriend, recently."
-"You've been experiencing nightmares, or intrusive thoughts, or perhaps old hurtful memories as of late. Correct?"
You nodded hesitantly.
-"Throw them away immediately. . .. Actually, can I take them?"
You hesitantly nodded.
While he picked them up, he said nothing.
-"Tell your boyfriend to change florists." He abruptly voiced loudly. -"Or break up with him."
Confused, you grimaced. Batman, upon seeing how perturbed you felt, before jumping off the roof he nodded kindly at you.
-"I'll be around if there's trouble again."
And somehow, that brought you peace.
________________________________________________________________
Monday morning after your nighttime visit with Gotham's famous vigilante seemed a little more lackluster than usual. In all honesty, these recent few weeks had been in comparison. Jonathan at first would wait for you to arrive outside of the asylum, always with a present in hand. Coffee, tea, warm hot cocoa, a pastry, flowers, a key chain, a set of pencils, etc. He'd then chastely kiss your cheek, or palm, or hand, or head. You were at work after all. He'd then always ask how you had slept and other menial things about the time you spent apart. For some reason he cared.
He wasn't just like that when he first saw you. He was like that all day. Some would say the Doctor was quite clingy. You, somehow, didn't mind. Though at times you did have to calm him down when you'd say goodbyes. He seemed to hate them, and soon, so did you. If you weren't a psychiatrist in training, you'd probably would've fallen into some type of anxiety with attachment issues. Thankfully you both were healthy professionals, of course. Everything you did together was healthy. Crane's attachment was healthy, though clingy.
Everyone is different.
He was pretty different.
And that would confuse you. You thought you knew he was thinking, but it seemed the closest you got was 50/50 even with your abilities.
These last few weeks were different and confusing.
Jonathan wasn't a clingy, excitable, puppy like boyfriend. Work suddenly had gotten intense. Research had very close deadlines now. You were second place, or less. Hated goodbyes that lasted thirty minutes now were practically non-existent. He couldn't bother to wait for you at the entrance anymore.
Yet, he'd show up with flowers, the flowers Batman took away, and smother you with affection at home. He'd then leave and at work acted like he hadn't missed you at all.
You were patient, however. Stress did that to people.
-"You're early, Y/N." Dr Crane commented cheerfully, well cheerful for him, when you walked into his office.
-"I didn't have to water the plants." You carefully said.
-"It did rain a good amount last night, hmm?"
-"More like Batman stole my flowers." You muttered.
He jumped up from his desk.
-"Batman?" His teeth chattered.
-"He told me to break up with you if you didn't find a new florist." You voiced monotonously.
Suddenly his lean arms wrapped forcefully around your shoulders and abdomen.
-”I am vastly glad you are safe.” He heaved slowly into your ear. -”D-did he do anything to you?” His voice shook in an uncharistic manner.
You placed your hands over his trembling appendages. His embrace felt needy, almost an angry jealousy. Protectiveness over someone he considered a fiend.
-”He didn’t do anything. He’s just Batman, and I’m not a criminal so-
-”I-I’ve been neglecting you recently. You were lucky last night that nothing happened. But if Batman is showing up at your residence, who else will? There’s no way I can leave you alone tonight, or the rest of these following nights at least.”
Jonathan turned you around, still embracing you. You now perceived he wanted to keep you safe, as if you were to precious to lose now. Like it would be huge waste?
-”You’ll stay at my residence tonight.” He ordered.
-”Excuse me?” You blurted out, blushing. -”I-I’m not ready to do that.” Your face looked away so quickly, you almost gave yourself whiplash.
-”No? Then I’ll come over to yours as always. I’ll leave early and pack.”
-”T-That’s not what I meant.” Your face now facing the ceiling, hoping the blood would leave your face. -”You don’t have to do that.”
-”I’m not taking any chances, Y/N.” He voiced sternly while his hands gripped your shoulders. -”Don’t worry, I’ll just stay with you until I know it’s safe.” His right handly delicately caressed your right cheek while he grinned, as if he was satisfied with the situation.
-”It’s too soon.” You mumbled, defeated.
Chuckling softly, Jonathan gripped your chin and placed a peck on your bottom lip.
-”There’s nothing to fear when you’re with me, I’m always respectful and I’ll always protect you and your feelings.” Another kiss was planted, one that clouded your judgement.
Nodding, you patted his chest and mentioned that you two should get to work.
Ironically, and most certainly tragically, his presence at home, though physically comforting, did not lessen any of the anxieties you had been feeling as of late. Instead, your resting heart rate could rival that of a machine gun. You couldn’t explain why, but those nightmares worsened. You’d wake up in cold sweat, and refuse to go back to sleep. After a couple of nights, you caved in and let Jonathan share your bed, respectfully of course. That helped a little. His embrace was like a remedy, though not one that brought full recovery, just enough that you still depended on it.
You wished it would just end.
Jonathan Crane on the other hand wanted to live with this bliss for eternity. You were finally reacting to his fear chemicals. Little by little the same heavy doses from before were having heftier consequences on your psyche. That on its own was a treat for him, however this treat soon became a feast when you began to depend on him. His months of preparation for this moment had paid off, even if it had been excruciating for him. A simple use of the push-pull technique had left you vulnerable, wondering if you were truly important to him as he would so easily profess in your presence.
It made you question reality.
You, of course, had put on this facade that you didn’t care, that you were understanding. It had all melted away once he spent time in the one place you knew to be your safety net. Now you needed him, even if you hadn’t realized it yet.
His experiment was almost complete, and soon you two would be bonded irreparably and inseparably, is such a way that any separation from him would deal a heavy blow to your psyche.
He, of course, had promised you he could never let harm come to you, so he’d always be there by your side. Dr. Jonathan Crane would be close beside you to take care of you forever.
How lucky you were to have him.
How lucky he was to have you.
How lucky he was to have you.
How lucky he was to have you.
He chuckled. He loved saying that in his mind. It’s because he loved you.
You were all consuming, almost as much as his research, and yet Crane was the only one being nourished from the relationship. It fed parts of him that he didn’t know were famished. Thankfully they were beginning to be satiated now.
Thankfully he had you.
And no one could take you away from him, not the Warden, not Batman, not-
-”Ladies and Maniacs, this is the Joker speaking!~” A voice shrilled through the speaker system of the asylum. -”Pardon the interruption, but I just wanted all of you to know that I’m in control of the madhouse now! It was getting boring, so I thought a little party would liven things up! It’s time us patients were able to roam these halls freely with all the lovely toys we want.”
The voice then chuckled darkly before continuing.
-”I’d hide while you have the chance.”
#Jonathan Crane#jonathan crane x reader#jonathan crane x you#scarecrow x reader#scarecrow x you#scarecrow dc#scarecrow#yandere jonathan crane#yandere#yandere x you#yandere x reader#yandere x darling
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I’ve got like. Tumblr neurodiversity. Some weird mix or middle ground between Autism and ADHD. With the attendant “WTF is even going on!!” and “I know I forgot something important but I don't know what” capital A Anxiety ramped up to 11 with the knob cracked off years ago. I just barely, “Cs get degrees!!” squeaked by got though college.
I got out to a basic job in a school that pays bad but has health insurance, and put my goals post dream of a teaching license and the art room on hold while Covid whimpered and howled outside the classroom I work in, and sometimes in it.
(if you aren't, officially, a Teacher, they’ll still give you a job. All of the dystopian memes about summers off and wills drawn each year, none of the grudging respect or retirement plans.)
(Half the money for all the risk.)
If I want the art room? The things I love (art doesn't save people. Art is a stick to fight that wolf off with, so you can save your life.) the things I hate (people who hate art class were taught that they aren't good at it and have to sit there anyway “because I said so” wise.)
If I want the art room, I need to go get a graduate degree on top of my “college grads earn a million more over their lives!!” degree.
Do you see those posts about “use the accessibility aids!!!” that go around? Generally around test season and major holidays.
I got through college without Adderall. I tried the “mixes well with anxiety” kind and it did nothing but upset my picky jerk of a stomach, so I gave up.
I got through college. I’m not going to get through “work full time, and go to college, and be a good family member and, and, and….” without /something/.
So I talked to my doctor, who set my next appointment a month early but gave me the prescription.
I waited for Saturday morning, in case it was bad. I waited until 9, when I woke at 6, to pin my slippery “bite down and do it” courage to the floor long enough to get it down our throats.
Nothing much.
Nothing much happened. My list of to dos was a bit longer, more from remembering to write them down then things done.
But. there’s always a “but”, “or”, and an “and”.
The dog barked under my chair at 4. I’m generally smokey fried by 3, and in bed by 8.
The dog barked, and I didn't care. I wasn't fried. I was in bed by 9, after spending the evening with my family, not in my bed waiting for a decent hour to sleep.
I didn't care. The dog barked? So what? I wasn't an anxious fried lump waiting for bed.
It isn't a cure all. It was a stick, some more rope.
To get to what I want, I needed a bit more rope. I can think of studying after work and not feel sick. I can go do errands when I'm driving after work and talk about things at dinner after, and even enjoy it.
It isn't a cure all. It was a stick, some more rope.
I just need a stick.
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Day 96 - Three years in Belgium - a recap
Friday 4th November 2022
Words cannot begin to express how grateful I am for these last three years in Belgium. Not only did Belgium become a place to stay but a home. A place where there have been many ups and downs, tears and laughter, relaxing days and full on sport, pandemics and rule breaking, beer and boulets and everything in between. Everything that makes a place change from just an area on a map to a place full of connections, emotions, memories, a home.
I came to Belgium unsure, I was just out of uni and finally making money, enough to even start thinking about the kiwi dream of buying a house, and who was I to give it all up and move to the other side of the world with only the invitation to stay with Benoit and his family as a motivation. Was Belgium really that good? Did I really want to try find a job where I would have to perfect my French? Was Benoit – my Belgian model – really all that he cracked up to be? Would his family like me? And worse, would his sister like me?? Understandably there were doubts, pros and cons lists, questions, but in the end, late in May 2019 I jumped on a plane and headed off on my adventure. And honestly, I can tell you that Belgium was nothing like I imagined it to be. It was better.
It started pretty nicely, I arrived, Benoit picked me up in a very fancy car, (turns out it was Joelles), we had a quick hello with his family, then I napped for the afternoon, and woke up to a dinner party where I met Pablos flatmates and one of Benoits cousins, from the start, although jetlagged and overwhelmed, it was a good beginning, these were good people, and I began to feel my doubts fade away and just maybe, this was the right decision for me. Fast forward three years, and here we are having the same types of dinners with the same people, everyone coming to see us, but not because they are curious about Benoît’s Kiwi girlfriend, but because we are now leaving and those initial hellos developed into deep friendships, oh how time flies. These last few weeks have been full of dates, midday and evening, and climbing in between, I have never had a social calendar so full, and although I was sick, and was probably only awake due to the many cups of coffee per day consumption, I feel blessed. Blessed to have people to visit, share a final meal with those close to us, and to relish in the beauty of their friendships. Every invitation has touched me deeply, from dinners with Benoits family friends to the last shepards pie at the flat. How lucky we are.
We have had an eventful few years, and ones that I will never forget.
Summer of 2019 was a busy one, Joelle and Paul were travelling quite a bit, which gave Benoit and I the chance to get comfortable together in Sprimont and for me to feel comfortable in my new home. We then had the major initiation into sport with my first camping holiday with the Tyber-Henry group. I suffered and missed the GnTs at the lake relaxing in the sun. But everyone was friendly and seemed to give me credit for my knack for learning peoples names. At least I had that going for me, as the sport wasn’t as easily learnt! Then we had a whirlwind trip around Europe with Jamie where we travelled all over Europe in a fastpaced adventure. For the coming years, I was so grateful that I was able to share a European experience with my little brother before covid hit, and although I regret that Mum and Dad never got the chance to visit us in Belgium, so I could share my life with them, at least Jamie got to experience it with us, heat wave and all.
Then covid, the confinements, the rules that nobody could keep up with because they changed pretty much every week, the constant working from home environment, the frustration with the regulations and incertitude for when it would all end. I considered briefly heading back to NZ at the start of covid, it seemed like all the kiwis abroad were heading back home, but I made the choice, albeit a tough one, to stay in Belgium with Ben and his family. Turns out it was another good decision as despite my job, I love my life in Belgium. The confinement’s just brought the family closer, and I love how close we have all become thanks to the many days and evenings spent in each other’s company.
Summer of 2020 and 2021 – although there was full covid regulations in place we managed to fake ourselves a few covid passes and we all headed back to our usual camping spot for summer. Luckily for the two years of covid in Europe they decided to ease back on the regulations each summer which mean we could go back to where it all kind of started for me, the integration into the family and the sports that I now love, a true area for comparison. Each year, our love for climbing grew and my connections with the family strengthened.
Apart from the camping holidays, the big family reunions, secret covid parties/Christmases, and clandestine climbing gyms, we had so many lovely memories just at home, learning about each other, discussing life, repeating discussions that we had already had many times (much to Benoits pleasure), encouraging Jo to let Nazgul into the house for his final months, learning to crochet and sew, eating mince in every preparation possible, going for runs with Jo and Sophie, laughing about fake handicaps at Esneux, having an open beer fridge to all climbers that felt like passing by, heated crypto discussions, our famous Friday night pizza nights, being treated to breakfast in bed in Autumn with a fracassé au pomme, making soap, the occasional waffle on a Saturday morning that Paul would bring back from the markets. All those little things, and so many of those little details that make leaving so much harder.
What started out as a questionable idea, turned out to be the greatest decision of my life, not only have we experienced so many wonderful memories, I have formed relationships that run so deeply my heart is heavy with the thought of having to have said goodbye. I have often said that I was grateful to be living with Joelle and Paul (for many reasons) but mainly for the fact that now we know each other so well, we can talk and laugh about anything and everything, and now I look forward to seeing them again as much as Benoit does. It was an absolute pleasure to be able to spend these last three years together, to become part of the family. To find a sister and best friend in Marie, a confident for everything, and someone who I will miss having in my life day to day. To find someone to relax, climb and laugh with in Paul, who is always keen to light a fire in winter and crack open a beer in summer (or any season for that matter). To find my running buddy, fellow sewing student, and salad maker in JojoRabbit, who has taught me many things about myself and life during these last years. And to find Pablo, probably the opposite to me in personalities, but someone who I admire for his enthusiasm, self-assurance, guru advice and kite surfing lessons. And recently to Clem, a fine addition to the Henry clan. And to everyone else, the list is too long to site here, but everyone we have met from our climbing friends, Benoits childhood or scouting friends, our village and the extended familes. Each person has helped make these last few years better, each connection, each smile, each moment spent together, are memories that I will cherish. I don’t think I have the proper words to sum up such a period of my life, three years jam packed with experiences is too hard to describe with just a few paragraphs, but I am thankful for everything that I have been lucky enough to be a part of and I can only hope that this phase of our lives is not finished with a full stop, but a comma, in the hopes that there will be more to come.
So for perhaps the final time... Love Kate xxxx ,
But wait there is more, although theblondegoesabroad will be finishing, Benoit and I have now even more “fans” in Belgium, so we will be starting a new blog together in NZ to keep everyone updated with weekly updates on our life – see you there - Kenovele.tumblr.com
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Where did I go?
I know this is a comatose blog, but I feel like I owe my followers, especially some of my most loyal ones, an explanation of what happened.
It’s been what...3 years since I was truly active? Gosh that’s been a long time. Here’s an explanation of why I left, what’s happened since, and the future.
Why I Left
It sounds cliché, but life got ahead of me, mostly my work swallowed me whole. Why is that?
Well, your Taro is a lawyer. I’m not your lawyer and I will not give you legal advice.
I started writing after I got my degree and started clerking. I was writing on slow days as a way to keep my writing sharp for the judge. After my state cut that position and buying our first house fell through, I moved on to working on immigration law.
But that boss was a prick.
That’s when an amazing man contacted me through my old boss and said that he had an opportunity for me to help make the world a better place.
Since then, I’ve been a public defender.
I love my job, I love my clients, but...it’s a tough job for various reasons I’m sure you can imagine. Needless to say, I typically become brain dead when I get home. This job has left me little left to explore my creative side and even less of me left to take care of myself.
But I’m trying to work on that.
I’m not leaving my work, just trying to do better.
What’s Happened?
I’m still happily married to my soul mate :). We moved back by my parents and they’re so happy to have us.
We built our own house at the beginning of COVID. We started construction just before the lockdown and managed to cash in on low interest but had down payments paid just before prices increased. I’m thankful everyday we have our own home knowing full well if we had been even a month later, none of this would have been possible.
I lost the last of my grandparents. This hurt so bad and left me in a very dark place for a long time. I had to wrestle with my love for them but also my fear. They were toxic, wicked people that I knew would turn on me at some point, even if they never got the chance to.
After that, I sought professional help and we got another dog. She’s a 6 year old husky and I think she’s smarter than me lol.
Thanks to that professional help, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Yes, I hyper fixated on writing all those years ago so no big surprise there. I also got hormonal help and, for the first time in my life, I feel real RAGE. Not frustration, but rage. I never truly felt anger before. It’s sometimes tough to control but it’s nice. As they say, the anger you feel at being treated poorly is that part of you who still loves yourself standing up for what’s right.
I think I’ve dramatically matured over the past few years. I’ve become more aggressive in defending others and myself, but I also try my best to stay kind and forgiving. It’s really not been a road I’ve traveled but a roller coaster I chose to get on but can’t control.
I thought about this blog and all of my followers and friends all the time. I had so much guilt built up over not posting but fearing the expectation of having to resume posting if I came back. I just didn’t know if I could do it all.
The Future
That is why I say this to you with every ounce of love in my heart: Screw any expectations you may have of me, lol. I don’t expect you have expectations, but I’m telling myself that even if you do, I don’t have to follow them. I’m aggressively giving myself permission.
I do have some stories in my drafts and in my head that I want to put out to the world. Someday, once all of my debts are paid and I can live comfortably, I want to get back to writing full time. My dream is to put my own book out there for the world.
For now, I think I’m going to put stories out into the world as I’m able. I don’t know how often it will be, perhaps once a year? Perhaps once a week? I also don’t know what the subject or fandom will be. This time, I’m discovering the path as I go with no destination in mind.
I am here, I look at all of my notifications, and I miss all of you. I hope you find pleasure in my writing.
In closing, I love you all and hope you can find peace in all I can give you.
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1. Does your family have any traditions on New Years Eve or New Years Day? If so, what are they?
2020: Not really, we usually watch the ball drop if we’re not out somewhere
2021: Not really, again watch the ball drop
2022: Not really
2023: Not really, but I have my personal traditions of doing these surveys in the lead up to new years, and then on new years day or after doing my moment calendar and alphabetical playlist
2. What is the best thing that you’ve accomplished this year?
2020: Bought a car
2021: Got a full time film job
2022: Technically I worked on it last year but Good Night Oppy premiered this year
2023: Made my Detroit: Become Human jacket
3. What is one thing that you want to do next year, that is on your bucket list?
2020: Get a job
2021: Stop worrying about covid
2022: Finish the Harry Potter spellbook
2023: Get in shape before I'm 30
4. If you had to use one word to describe this past year, what would it be, and why?
2020: Covid, you know why
2021: Unending, because it feels like we’re never gonna get out of this
2022: Catch-up, because I was catching up on everything I missed during covid
2023: Taylor, because Taylor Swift was a big focus for a lot of the year
5. What is one word you could use in order to describe how you hope the next upcoming year will be? Why did you choose this particular word?
2020: Relax, because I feel like I won’t be able to really just breathe and relax until I have a job, an apartment, and a vaccine, so i hope I can get those things because I’m so exhausted
2021: Normal
2022: Friends, because I hope to keep doing things with my friend groups
2023: Confident, because I would like to gain confidence
6. Do you make any sort of New Years resolutions? Are they the same from year to year, or have they changed?
2020: I make new ones each year
2021: I made a few new ones, some are always on there like losing weight
2022: Some are the same, some change
2023: I made a few new ones but a couple like losing weight are always there
7. How long do you typically stick to your New Years resolutions? If you don’t make New Years resolutions, what is your reasoning behind this choice?
2020: It’s more goals than things to stick to, and I usually don’t accomplish most of them
2021: Same
2022: Same
2023: Same
8. Why do we celebrate New Years? Do you or anyone you know celebrate the Chinese New Year also/instead? If so, what is that like?
2020: To mark the passage of time and put a narrative onto it. I don’t know anyone who celebrates Chinese New Year
2021: Same, and to have an occasion to celebrate
2022: To have something to look forward to
2023: For tradition and to have a party
9. Do you use alcohol or a sparkling beverage in order to ring in the New Year? Any special sorts of snacks that are prepared?
2020: I like to, this year I will probably use moscato
2021: I’ll probably use moscato again
2022: I’ll probably have some sort of alcohol
2023: My friend is making cocktails
10. Do you watch the ball drop on television? (or perhaps in person)
2020: Yes, on TV
2021: Yes on TV
2022: Yes on TV
2023: Yes on TV
11. Do you watch the fireworks display on television? Do any of your neighbors shoot off firecrackers late into the night? Are they even legal to buy in your area?
2020: Not really, and they are not legal
2021: If it’s on the same channel, and I probably will have some neighbors that do even though it’s not legal
2022: I’ll be in Breckenridge this year so who knows
2023: Not really, and not legal but people do anyway
12. How would you feel if the clock struck 12, and then this entire year started all over again?
2020: I would feel relieved and hope that meant it was all a dream and we would get a normal year
2021: I would throw shit
2022: I would be frustrated, I feel like I have made progress this year
2023: I think it might be nice to get one more year of my 20s
13. Do you do any sort of countdown to New Years? If so, when does it begin for you?
2020: 10 seconds before
2021: 10 seconds before
2022: 10 seconds before
2023: 10 seconds before
14. Do you stay up in order to ring in the New Year with family and friends, or are you the type of person who will fall asleep early and miss everything?
2020: Dude midnight is early for me
2021: I will probably be up till like 2am
2022: Midnight is not even late
2023: I regularly stay up till like 2am so it would be weird if I didn't
15. When we’re not in the middle of a pandemic, how do you celebrate the New Year with your family or friends? What do you do?
2020: Usually I don’t get around to making plans in time and end up just hanging out with my family
2021: Same
2022: Same but this year I will be with friends
2023: I usually just do something small with friend or my parents
16. Have you ever been midnight bowling before on New Years?
2020: No
2021: No but that sounds fun
2022: No
2023: No
17. Do/Does you/your family eat anything specific meal-wise for New Years Eve or New Years Day? If so, what is it?
2020: No
2021: No
2022: No
2023: No
18. What is the most exciting thing that you’ve done this past year?
2020: Went to Harry Potter World in January
2021: Went to homecoming with the marching band
2022: Had Good Night Oppy premiere
2023: Went to the Taylor Swift concert
19. What is your one wish for the world in the New Year?
2020: To get rid of covid and get back to normal
2021: To get back to normal from the pandemic
2022: To have a normal year without any new bullshit
2023: To stop the wars
20. What is something that you enjoy doing on a yearly basis, or at least once a year?
2020: Making my sticky note calendar, my alphabetical playlist, and taking my new years surveys
2021: Same
2022: Same
2023: Same, and Comic Con in the summer
(made by: tickle-my-pickle)
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Winter 2021 - The Laura Quinkan Indigenous Dance Festival
May 2021 to September 2021
When I sold my home in Mullumbimby and moved north, all my craniosacral clients were devastated. I told them: “Don’t worry - I shall return every May and September and give sessions and visit my grandchildren. I will email you when I know I am coming!” This was my first trip back since moving to Ravenshoe, and I was pretty much fully booked before I my arrival! I worked from Living Yoga Sanga, in Mullumbimby for 2.5 days a week for 4 weeks, and I was busy!
Notice regarding Covid-19 Vaccine at Living Yoga Sanga
All the practitioners met to discuss recent issues arising from the Covid Vaccine, and this notice was put up for all users of the space. It became a point of contention amongst the general public at the time, but a year on as I write this it has been proven to be true. I think we acted in a prudent and timely way.
The first few days I stayed with my son Jay and his little family, and first thing on my agenda was to purchase a new car. I had kept a modest sum aside when I sold my house, and now was the time. With Jay’s help I found a 2013 model RAV4 with low kilometres on the clock. As much as I loved driving the Purgeot, she was a 2004 model and her days were numbered.
The second week I stayed with my ex-neighbour Kumari. Not much had changed in the compound (as we used to call it) and I was relieved to see my favourite trees were still standing. Kumari tells me the new owners are lovely people, however we missed our close friendship, the many cups of tea, our hand holding through the inevitable trials and tribulations of family life. It is hard when friends move away.
The next week I moved up to Kittani to my friend Anne’s home - you remember her from the previous blog when she helped me settle into my new home in Ravenshoe. Friends like that are gold! We have such fun together - long chats, fine food, sharing and caring. While I was there Anne made a killer batch of Hot Chilli Sauce, harvested from her garden. And yes, I got to bring a bottle home to Ravenshoe! Thanks Anne.
A killer batch of Hot Chilli Sauce
During my final week I am the honoured guest of my long time friend Susanna in her rather gorgeous AirBnB apartment with the to-die-for view of the stunning sweep of Byron Bay from the Cape all the way north to the Tweed. I was pinching myself! On the 26th of that month Anne came over to watch the Full Moon Lunar eclipse from my little apartment. Grant and Susanna joined us for champagne and nibbles.
What a surprise! On the same day my granddaughter Emily was featured on the front page of the Cairns Post, showcasing apprentices and debunking the men only image! She is a star (mind you I am a bit biased)!
After finishing my work at Living Yoga Sanga I stayed in Byron Bay for one more week, treating myself to some sessions and some ME time.
The last weekend I spent with Jay and Holly and the kiddies, and proceeded to finish a gardening job I had started when I arrived - turning their front garden into a welcoming space for the kids to play, cutting back bamboo grass, weeding and mulching. It was a satisfying project because I was imagining my grandchildren playing in that space.
I left Byron on the 7th of June, loaded up with my favourite foods from 2Die4 Live Foods, jars of Mullumbimby Honey, Aldi buys (there are no Aldi stores north of Rockhampton), Source Bulk Foods whole foods, BrookFarm products and more - all things I cannot purchase in Ravenshoe. Byron Shire is the home to many awesome businesses leading the way in the alternate “slow food” scene. It’s a happening place, but it was time for me to leave. The new car travelled like a dream.
Memories to take with me:
It was a slow trip back up the coast, stopping off to see family and friends on the Gold and Sunshine Coasts, and giving cranio sessions! I more or less retraced my steps, stopping overnight in Rockhampton and Bowen.
The view from my room at Whitsunday Sands Resort, Bowen
Bowen is one of the very few places along the entire Queensland coastline where you can simply walk off the beach and plunge into a magical marine wonderland on the fringe reef. At Horseshoe Bay I discovered a novel art installation: underwater sculptures! Just 2.5 metres down, snorkelers can explore Bywa, a 3.2 metre high underwater sculpture of concrete and steel that forms part of the Whitsundays Ngaro Underwater Marine sculpture trail.
Indigenous artist Brian Robinson's Bywa sculpture tells the story of Bywa or Waterspout in Kala Lagaw Ya language from the western Islands in the Torres Strait. According to mythology waterspouts are the vessels that carry marine animals up into the heavens for the spirits and ancestors to feed on. Waterspouts are a rare natural phenomenon. A closer look at Bywa reveals it is rich with marine animals common to Bowen waters - Turtle, Coral trout, Mangrove jack, Trevally, Parrotfish, Surgeonfish, Butterflyfish, Sergeant major, Tropical rock lobster, Stingray, Epaulette shark and Wobbegong shark.
The team at Reef Ecologic monitor the interactions of marine life with the artwork, and reef life is beginning to encrust the sculpture. Juvenile cardinal fish were seen using the artwork as a refuge.
Late afternoon light show by Mother Nature:
I arrived home in Ravenshoe on the 13th of June, just in time for the rapid arrival earth side of Jack Michael Bowden on the 17th, my second great grandchild and second child to Brad and Ash, sister to Evie!
Brad and Ash live in Weipa, but because it is a remote community, the Health Department do not allow the mothers to birth their babies there. They are flown down to Cairns to wait out the last few weeks. Having family relatively close is good for them and great for us! It allows for lots of bonding time.
Rachael and Scott’s family have been sponsors of the Malanda Agricultural Show for ever and it is a must attend event in their calendar. Held the last weekend of June, little Evie loved the baby animal enclosure.
Sadly, just a few days later, Scott’s grandmother, Nana McVicar, died on the 29th June after a long illness. She had said her good byes and she died peacefully surrounded by her family. She was one of the last of the early pioneers who carved out a life for themselves in the Far North, nearly a century ago.
The Laura Quinkan Indigenous Dance Festival 2-4 July, 2021
The Laura Quinkan Indigenous Dance Festival is a 3 day camping festival, Celebrating Culture and Recognizing History
Dance troupes from across the Cape York and the Torres Strait will gather in the small community of Laura to showcase stories through dance routines, sharing history and uniting as one.
The township of Laura is the central meeting place for people from the Cape York, as well as being home to Australia’s most significant collection of rock art, it hosts another internationally recognised celebration of Aboriginal culture, the Laura Quinkan Indigenous Dance Festival.
The dance festival grounds at Laura occupy the site of a very old, traditional Bora ground. It’s a respected and sacred site. Here, people from different communities located across the Cape York Peninsula come together to celebrate with music, dance, singing and cultural performances.
The Laura Quinkan Indigenous Dance Festival is the time where families old and new meet, exchange, rejuvenate and pass on knowledge and history.
https://lauraquinkanfestival.com.au
I received a surprise phone call from my daughter-in-law on Friday morning, inviting me to the Laura Dance Festival, saying they had a free ticket and accommodation for me there. Rio Tinto are a major sponsor of the festival, and due to Covid restrictions a number of staff from interstate were unable to attend. I just had to get myself there! My three grandsons were there while mum and dad were busy on the Rio Tinto stall. I think it helped to have the extra pair of hands!!! Yay! I am the lucky one! Laura is a 4 hour drive north east of Ravenshoe, so I set off early Saturday morning, to witness an incredible spectacle. Let the pictures tell the story.
After a busy (20 cranio clients as well as my quarterly BAS clients) and social July (Laura Dance Festival, family gathering for Nana McVicar’s wake, Aaron, Janine and the kids calling through on their way home to Weipa, water divining to sink a bore, the Freedom Marches in Cairns and Kuranda), I headed back to Weipa to celebrate Aaron’s birthday, and maybe have a well earned rest.
Weipa: 29/7/21 to 19/8/21
“A rest” you think!!! Very funny! First there was the relocation of Beau’s nursery, and the repotting of numerous palms. Beau just turned 9 a few weeks earlier and he seems to have an entrepreneurial bent, so I was keen to support him making a go of this idea. I enjoyed the challenge, and I think Aaron and Janine were relieved to get some back-up.
And of course the boys are back at school so I am doing the school drop off and pick-up. It creates a certain routine for the day and week - footy practice on Tuesdays and game on Thursdays, Evie’s playgroup Wednesdays, coffee at the Community Centre with Ash on Friday mornings, school lunches, what’s for dinner? Oh no, Zeus has got out again!!! But I love it!
The day I arrived Janine asks me: Do you know how to make a Nappy Cake?
Me: No! What is a Nappy Cake? (I must be showing my age!)
Granddaughter-in-law Denica is about to fly out to Cairns to await the birth of her first baby, and Janine has realised no-one has organised a baby shower for her. So tonight is the night! A quick trip to the shopping centre while Aaron whips up a few salads - these guys are a team!
The Nappy Cake! Well done Janine!
There is no rest for the wicked around here! Aaron is the President of the Weipa Fishing Classic and all year the committee have been having meetings to ensure this signature event goes ahead smoothly. The Weipa Fishing Classic is Cape York’s premier and most exciting fishing competition, with local and interstate anglers competing for a record prize pool of more than $200,000. So tonight is very important - the committee is coming over to taste test an array of wines to choose for the event! Jeez - lucky they have me here! (ha ha ha)
Of course the evening started with Aaron’s signature dish:
Yep - they are ginormous rock oysters from Tasmania! Aaron shows me how it is done - easy!
Happy Birthday Aaron!
16/8/21 Declan Bowden born
19/8/21: Visit Mark & Denica in CNS - meet Declan
23-27 Sept: Micky Memorial Ride - next blog post
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October 4, 2023
The muscles in my lower back still ache. This is the third day in a row. Going up the stairs poses a particular challenge. Bending over to pull on my socks is impossible. What did I do to hurt my back, you ask? The answer is be 42. Aging sucks or whatever people say. But it doesn’t really. I’m 42, yes. My child is almost as tall as I am. I have a comfortable job, a retirement account, a house with a yard. I’m a published author, an award-winning one.
But still, my back aches. For no reason other than that I am no longer young.
I don’t dread getting older. I actually like the grey in my hair. Think it looks kinda cool. And the truth is, I am excited to be of retirement age, which, I suppose, I will be in about 23 years, give or take. But who’s counting?
I’m not looking forward to retirement because I dislike my job—I actually like my job quite a lot. I’m a college English professor. It’s a rewarding job, challenging in the best way. Still, I’m excited to one day retire because I plan to shift over to being a full-time writer then, and that is, if I’m being honest, what I always dreamed my job would be. Somewhere along the line, the dream got lost, or not lost, exactly, but delayed. Very, very, very few people are so lucky as to make a living off of creative writing. So I teach other people to write, and write when I can on the side.
It's a good life. I’ve published two books, and am deep in the thick of a new one. I write slowly but steadily, and my work does get published.
But one day, I will have no day job. My child will be grown, and I will have nothing but time. And when that day comes, I want to still have many, many good years ahead of me. Years when I can still move my body in the way I want it to move. Years when I have the energy to create.
And so we return to the back ache. It’s not a big deal, really. Not so bad I can’t make it through my day. But it feels like a bad omen. I discovered in grad school, when I was overweight and depressed, that exercise and writing are inextricably linked for me. It makes sense. Writing takes stamina, dedication, the strength to set goals and the follow-through to achieve them. Exercise gives you practice in all those areas. Plus, exercising gives me energy; energy fuels my writing.
But for the first time since grad school, I’m overweight again. Gained more than 40 pounds during Covid. Stopped walking on the treadmill. Stopped doing yoga, eating right. And while the weight doesn’t bother me (health at any size, body positivity, all that) the back ache does, and what it portends.
If I want to be able to write many more books in my sixties and seventies and beyond, I need to start paving that pathway now. I need to start eating healthier, so my body will hold up for years to come. I need to start exercising again, so I can build the energy and strength I need to write. And I need to write more than I currently do—if not every day, then most every day. I need to get back into the good habits I developed in grad school, good habits that will carry me through the next 23 years and springboard me into a happy, fulfilling, post-career career as a full-time writer.
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ROHAYHU ✦ DR3
“Rohayhu is an expression in the Guaraní language that serves to describe a deep feeling of love towards another person. It's believed that there are two variants of the story of its origin and in both situations, the couple falls in love almost from the first meeting. That feeling seems to grow rapidly over time. In an effort to show their affections through an expression that was only understandable to both of them, one of them proposed the word "Rohayhu" as the way to say "I love you." In this way, when one said it, the other would be able to understand the intention behind those words.”
✦ pairing: daniel ricciardo x famous!latina!reader
✦ type: social media au
✦ fc: becky g
✦ warnings: female!reader, covid-19 & quarantine mentions, age gap, language.
✦ pit wall live: Holiiiii babes! ✨ I'm sososo happy you guys liked Serendipity as much as you did, I was honestly so anxious! I really cheerished each and every single one of your feedbacks 🤍 I'm also sooo sorry it took me so long to post part 2 but honestly I wouldn't even be posting this today if it wasn't for @onceuponaoneshotfanfic 🤍 she listened to all my ramblings and gave me so many great ideas when I was feeling stuck! 😭 On another note, I'm pretty sure most of you guys never heard of the guaraní language and that's okay because here I am to shed a bit of light on it 😉. Guaraní it's one of the official languages of my country (along with spanish) and, in my humble opinion, it sounds so romantic and elegant. And as much as I'm trying to keep the reader's nationality pretty ambiguous, I had to give my culture a little role in this story somehow. By the way, Ro is pronounced with a flicked R sound, not rolled and the O is /ŏ/. Hayhu sounds like 'Hi who'.
I really hope you enjoy this one! Every feedback is appreciated 🥰
─── The Joker & The Queen (Masterlist)
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JUNE 08, 2020
INTERVIEW: The most romantic side of Y/N L/N! | LatinxNow!
The singer reveals all about how she's spending lockdown down under, her new cooking show and how her fans "know the one she's in love with".
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danielricciardo
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danielricciardo Happy Monday kids. Don't forget to be kind 😉🤠🤘
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user 2 hands on the wheel, please Daniel
user2 yourinstagram we'd love an epic car sing along 👀
user3 you're a goddamn treasure to the Y/N-nation sir! 😍
yourinstagram Can't decide if I'm flattered or filing for copyright infringement 🤔
danielricciardo Guess I'm taking over your career now 😘
yourinstagram let's stick to our day jobs mate 👍🏼 you're lucky you're cute tho 😘
user4 he's NOT being slutty enough. pop that leggy up on the seat pls
user5 how can one be so hot and so cringe at the same time
user6 it's his brand™
user7 does anyone else want to empty their bank account to see him on stage with y/n?
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JUNE 16, 2020
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scottyjames31 and marcusstoinis have added to their stories!
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JUNE 20, 2020
yourinstagram has added to their story!
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JUNE 30, 2020
yourinstagram
♡ liked by lewishamilton, karolg, pierregasly and 8,452,325 others
yourinstagram Most of the things I had planned this summer didn’t end up happening, but there are two things I hadn’t planned on that DID happen. And those things are finding someone whose love feels like daylight, warm and full of new beginnings, and my 5th studio album, Vesper. SURPRISE! 🌟🤗 Brace yourselves, lovelies! During these tough times, I turned to music and created something truly magical. I've been pouring my dreams, hopes, heart and soul into this project. I'm beyond thrilled to unveil my entire brand new album featuring a collection of heartfelt love songs dedicated to the one who always keeps my creative flame alive 🃏❤️. Love has a funny way of inspiring art, I wrote and recorded this music in isolation but got to collaborate with some musical geniuses! Better set your alarms, it'll be released TONIGHT at the stroke of midnight as a heartfelt gift to you and to my muse! 🎂 ALSO keep an eye out for Los Besos' music video! 👀 I really hope you guys enjoy this little piece of my heart as much I did recording it! Love you guys so much ❤️
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user THE COVER PHOTOS HELLOOO??? THE VIDEO???? WHAT. THE. FUCKITY. FUCK.
user2 DAN-Y/N WE STAY WINNING BABY!!!! KI KI KI RAAA!!
user2 if they ever break up i'm gonna burn down this entire city 🙂
user3 "my muse" lol does anyone know how much it cost a toaster so I can take a shower with it? :)
user4 i'm climbing the walls banging my fists screaming my lungs out crying throwing up dying
arianagrande I'm claiming #6 because that would be me after I listen to this album
itsvittoriasousa the girls and I are claiming #1 🤭
sebastianyatra off to break records once again, penguin 🤟🏼
mauyricky we loved working with you and jpsaxe, sis! the world needs another collab it's been too long since mi mala 👀😈
user5 sooo she just said lemme make these bitches lose their minds by writing a whole ass album about how in love I am with this bloke and drop it outta nowhere on his birthday
user SHE IS INSANE! Y/N baby he is just a man 😫😫😫
lewishamilton I already pre-saved it 🙏🏾 Congrats sis! 💜
user a XNDA and Y/N collab when????? 👀👀👀
user6 danielricciardo I hope u are aware of how fucking lucky you are and that you treasure and worship the woman that she is 🔪🔪🔪
*danielricciardo and 6,852 others liked this comment*
danielricciardo so incredibly proud, chip ❤️
yourinstagram Love notes for my number one fan 😘
user WE'VE GOT A RED HEART GUYS!! 😱 FUCK THEY ARE SO CUTE 😭
user2 HE CALLS HER CHIP 😫❤️ do I know what it means? fuck no but it sounds so cuteeee!!!
user7 danielricciardo sir I need to know to which god you prayed to
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danielricciardo
📍 Monaco
♡ liked by lewishamilton, pierregasly, fioamato and 952,684 others
danielricciardo A big thanks for my birthday wishes! Gotta say this year is looking pretty 🍑 great 😏 3 days to go 🏁
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yourinstagram You may be fast, but can you handle the curva grande? 🤭
danielricciardo oh baby don't threaten me with a good time 😏
userA I think we annoyed them too much asking for a hard launch and now they are being fucking horny and unhinged online 😳
userB Do y'all need a dog? I can bark
userC userB nah daniel's scared of dogs lol I volunteer as their rug though
user I'm gonna need 35 to 365 business days to recover from THAT bro 🤯
fioamato seems like you had a lot of cake 👀
danielricciardo sabroso 😏
userA DANIEL??!!!!! 😳
userB HE'S BEING HORNY ON MAIN FOR HER BITCH ME TOO TF 🥵
user4 he's INSANE!! SIR YOU CAN'T DROP THIS ON US JUST LIKE THIS!!!!!
userA my brain isn't functioning after this. it changed me forever 🤯
userB Daniel really is a menace first and a human second 😩
userC how am I supposed to live laugh love under these conditions???
userD THAT SHOULD BE MEEE
user7 THEY ARE EVERYTHING TO ME OKAY?
pierregasly happy birthday bro! hope you enjoyed the cake 😉
natalie_pinkham Idyllic first official shot 😍
user8 I used to pray for times like this 😭😭😭😭
chloestroll STUNNING ❤️😍 (her not you)
yourinstagram ❤️❤️❤️
user9 i'm so used to giving and now i get to receive 😭
user10 man you really won the fucking lottery like DAMN MAMI 🥵
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AUGUST 12, 2020
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─── Please don't forget to reblog & comment! ♡
#the joker and the queen fic#daniel ricciardo x reader#latina!reader#f1 social media au#daniel ricciardo social media au#daniel ricciardo x you#daniel ricciardo x female reader#famous!reader#daniel ricciardo imagine#daniel ricciardo instagram au#f1 x reader#( agentstarkid's works )
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as a writer myself too, i definitely get the frustration of writer's block. ur better than me tho could never write fiction this good. if it's a script maybe i can stumble my way towards it but like- prose, prose??? scary stuff HAHAHHA. i'm wayyy more used to writing features, editorial and stuff like that so writing creatively paralyzes me fr probs should get over it HAHAHHA
speaking of writing tho, recently got my first ever job (full time over the summer and part time when i get back to school!) helping this creator write content for a website she's launching and probs gonna be helping her with her podcast too hehe (i'm also more of a broadcast person too over like publication writing so that's gonna be fun). so life's been reallyyyy busy. like i started preparing for freelance work since may and after like- 11 applications so glad i finally got a job but damn being paid to do something is a whole different kind of pressure. doing my best but sometimes i'm scared it won't be good enough and i'll just get fired HAHAHAH the days are starting to get blurry too bc i've kinda just been cooped up at home. anddd been trying to ✨adult✨ too by getting my driver's license, tax number, social security and all that but ghad with a job? idt i'll have the time to fix all that anymore. and i'm hoping to take the topik too so :">
times like this are when im rlly glad i got dream. like they rlly just give me that energy boost HAHAHAH (AND WITH THE NEW COMEBACK SOON??? AHHHH) r they like that for u too? i swear this is the first time i've wanted to get a tattoo for an artist like woah
oh and SPEAKING OF i was in the manila concert day 1 all the way in the farthest section. actually got really determined to work bc of that experience bc i am determined to go both days vip the next time they're in manila HAHAHHA. happy to say i'll most likely earn enough to do that by next month hehe. gonna treat myself for the hard work by getting mark's bubble HAHAHHA
haven't gotten to reading the new renjun fic updates (unless my eyes are deceiving me and i read that wrong & there r not updates) but! i'm rlly looking forward to it. hoping both of us have enough writing juices to finish up the things we're working on HAHAHHA. and i hope you're doing well with school or work or whatever your doing too! and when things get tough hope u have a support system there for ya :>
anywayy i'll go skidaddle now HAHHAHA worked 8hrs today so 💀 byee
(p.s. by any chance do u have any plans of writing any series for mark? would KILL to have ur writing bring his character to life if not that's SUPERRRR chill too frfr jus curious hehe)
frm the biggest phatest markf,
-covid anon 🤒 HAHAHAH
you calling my 'ripping my hair out slamming words into the keyboard at 1am' writing prose is such a huge compliment my dear covid anon, you have no idea. never in my life have i considered anything ive written to be like... serious... because i just enjoy writing about a bunch of singin dancin boys, but. i do put an obscene (and embarrassing) amount of care and work and thought into this little fanfiction thing and i just. thank you? blowing kisses all the way to your timezone
anddd been trying to ✨adult✨ too by getting my driver's license, tax number, social security and all that but ghad with a job? idt i'll have the time to fix all that anymore. and i'm hoping to take the topik too so :">
GODDAMN! you have your plate full, but frankly those are all really, really good and important and STRONG steps towards adulting!! you're further than me, i dont have my license yet (haven't even started, rahh, uber is my best friend) but whenever i come on here i think of you, covid anon, so hearing this makes me feel like an irl just told me they accomplished something big LOL i'm actually so happy for you. these are big steps. AND THE NEW CB IS ALREADY FUCKING ME UP! IDGAF RENJUN IN THAT LITTLE PAPERBOY CAP, LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE I'M UNWELL!!!!!! today the second theme dropped (idk if you'll see this on the same day as i send it) with the energy drinks and such, and the fuckig... neon concept...!!!!!!!! i wanted to get a tattoo for my bts era like a 7 or something like that on a very tiny part of my body but then i remembered how i genuinely thought i would be a 5sos fan forever and i was like 'lets hold off on that very, very permanent decision lmfao'
AND TO ANSWER YOUR MARK QUESTION! you messaging me this actually did make me go through all of my potential wips (all.... very very many of them) and one that i found for mark that i'm actually still very interested in is an exchange student concept! little plot: mc is a part of a university exchange student program, and with that comes staying with a host family; the uni that mc is from does it in a raffle/blind matching style where you get put with a family who's profile matches with yours best, and mc gets.... the lee family! with eldest brother and vaguely famous rockstar taeyong, awkward and endearing middle child mark lee, and the night and day '00 twins'; sunshine incarnate lee donghyuck, and 'doesn't speak unless spoken to' lee jeno!!! it takes place over six months in the summer to autumn season, the first semester; and love blooms in the damndest places!
if this sounds like something you'd like, maybe i could fandangle this for my next wip...? winky face
anyway i love you lots covid anon, i hope your adulting goes on without a hitch!!!! until you message again <3
#dojun talks#dojun answers#covid anon#AGAIN! sorry it took me so long to reply to this i be... workin and sleepin and such
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I don't post like ever but I'm simply ecstatic rn and wanna share it wherever I can. I had an interview at my current job on Wednesday to go from a part-time Husbandry Assistant to a full-time aquarist and I got the call today offering me the job! I was told I crushed my interview and I'll be getting to work with my favorite animals :) I told myself when I first got the assistant position that I'd become an aquarist within a year and I did! With 5 months to spare! I love the team and I love the animals and I'm just so excited to finally say I'm an aquarist. A year ago I got my degree in Marine Biology and now I'm working my dream job 💙🩵 Initially when applying for jobs I was so scared I wouldn't get anything because Covid really fucked over being able to get internships and jobs in college so I didn't have a ton of experience. I was already very happy when I got the assistant position, and then I studied really hard for this latest interview and they said it showed I prepared. To any entering the field my advice is: apply for anything and everything. I didn't think I would move down South but here I am. Take the chances you can get to build experience, but also do your research on your own time to have the knowledge they're looking for at least. And look up good interview questions to ask THEM in return bc I've been told by my last two jobs that I have really good questions, it helps you stand out.
#marine biologist#aquarist#im just so freaking happy#it almost doesnt feel real#its also funny because the other aquarist running the gallery with me has the same name lol#so now that we're both aquarists we'll need a new way to differentiate ourselves#but shes fantastic and I wanna be like her in a few years when I build up more experience#if anyone wants examples of questions you can always dm me and I can share some I've used
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Undesirable: A Tale of Self-Sabotage
I’m not sure where it all fell apart, or rather, where it all began. I’ve struggled with self-image issues my whole life. Looking back, I wish I had learned how to love myself. But also looking back, it was almost the “in” thing to not like your body, or yourself. I never recall women talking in a positive way about themselves around me. I never recall them talking about other women in a positive way either, though.
I’ve gone through many phases of working out, eating healthy, feeling good, and then quitting for various reasons. Only to start up again later down the road. Quite possibly when I needed a distraction from some other problem in my life. In one relationship I had, I received very little support in my pursuit of self-love and was made to feel selfish for going to the gym instead of sitting on the couch eating pizza every night with them. In another relationship, I was in the best shape of my life, very supported in my pursuit of building my dream body in the gym, but shamed for some of my eating choices when I wasn’t with them. It got to the point where I was hiding food in order not to feel like I had failed myself and them.
Although the latter relationship provided me the support I needed in the gym, the dynamic of that relationship was incredibly toxic and ended up being one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I had a great body, but I hated myself. I desperately needed to be accepted and loved by this other person, that I completely lost myself in the process.
When this relationship ended, it crushed me. I had no sense of self. I hated who I had become. During that same week I had lost this relationship, the world shut down due to COVID. I was alone, depressed, anxious, and had no idea who I was. My coping skills were one of three things on a daily rotation; sleeping all day, eating a piece of cake from Lunds and Byerly’s, or eating a whole pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Sometimes I tag-teamed the cake and the ice cream all in one sitting. I was gaining weight rapidly, but mentally I felt like I was on top of the world.
Avoiding how absolutely wrecked I was became my full-time job. I thought I was doing great! I had mastered wearing several different masks during the day, fooling everyone, including myself. When the summer of that year came around, we were allowed to start taking short walks outside as long as we were distanced from others and wearing a mask. This provided a temporary sigh of relief for me. I was finally getting some movement in, but still demolishing cake and ice cream almost daily like it was about to disappear for the rest of my life.
By this point, I had avoided looking at myself in the mirror. I avoided looking at how much my body had changed in a few short months due to completely abandoning myself in order to feel even a little okay. I was forced to face the reality when I went on a walk with my parents. My mom is a photo-taker. She will take every and any opportunity to snap a picture.
This photo of me was shared on Facebook and it was the first real time I had seen my body. Granted, it definitely hadn’t gotten to the worse of it at this point, but it was the largest body I had ever had. It was really painful to see this change, but I still couldn’t stop eating cake, ice cream, chips with dip, nothing with any real nutritional value. I continued like this for a while, feeling comfortable in what I was doing. Covering up my problems with food, avoiding every negative emotion I experienced, and neglecting my most basic needs as a human being.
Flash forward and it’s my 30th birthday. The world is opening back up slowly at this point, so I decided to take a trip with some friends. This is the time that I really, truly, painfully was faced with the reality of what I had been doing to myself over the course of the past year.
The changes to my body were staring boldly at me and I couldn’t believe how out of control things had gotten. This was the biggest my body had ever been. The most space I had ever taken up. I was still so unhappy with myself, but I started taking small steps to make changes. I joined a gym and started working out with a coworker. I was feeling great! Nothing could stop me now! The nutrition piece was still not clicking for me. Two years have passed since this photo was taken. I am still single and I have been maintaining this body through half-assed attempts at working out and changing my eating habits. I still feel perpetually stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage and neglect.
If you have stuck with me up to this point, first of all, what’s wrong with you? (Just kidding...) Second of all, thank you, and I hope you have found even a tiny piece of my story that you can relate to, or empathize with at the very least.
I was on my way home from work today and had a deep conversation with myself both in my head and out loud. I asked myself, why can’t you get out of this cycle? I started to dig up my usual excuses; “I went through trauma and my body became my security blanket,” “my medication made me gain all of this weight and won’t allow me to lose any of it,” “I feel comfortable here, why should I change?” And then I got to the deepest answer I’ve managed to dig up while processing this topic.
“I’m afraid.”
So I dug a little deeper. What specifically am I afraid of? I was able to uncover two answers to this question.
“I’m afraid that if I lose weight, people will treat me differently. People will value, respect, and love me more in a smaller body.”
“I’m afraid to be in a relationship with somebody new.”
What does a relationship have to do with any of this? At first it didn’t quite register. I’m overweight because I’m afraid of a relationship? That can’t be right. That makes no sense, Corissa! Okay, okay, but just hear me out. Right now, in this larger body, I have put myself in a box. This box has been labelled with big, bold letters, “Undesirable.”
I have been on casual dates, had intimate encounters, but none of it was ever serious, so I felt I could keep going with what I was doing. No harm, no foul. None of these men want a relationship with me because I am fat and undesirable, and as long as I stay fat and undesirable, I can’t get hurt!
That was a painful realization for me. I have been blocking my blessings. AGGRESSIVELY blocking them. I have created a mountain between me and anything that can possibly hurt me in the same ways I’ve been hurt in the past. And there is comfort in that. There is a feeling of predictability and certainty that comes with this block. But consequently, there is so much pain in that as well. I have been creating a mountain, not only between me and any form of love I could receive from another, but also between me and the person I desire to be because of my fears of getting hurt.
I don’t want to be this person anymore. A person that blocks every opportunity for love and happiness. A person that blocks the things she truly deserves from life. This is not how I want to spend my time here on this planet. There is so much more waiting for me beyond this mountain, I’m certain of that.
This page will now serve as my personal diary during this journey. I hope to find support along the way. I hope to be that same support to someone else who may be on a similar path. My ultimate goal here, besides losing weight and reconnecting with my body in a healthy way, is to shift my mindset around what I think I deserve. I will inevitably be doing a lot of trial and error to find what works best for me and my life. But this is the start of creating the space I need to fall in love with myself, and demolish these road blocks I’ve used to keep myself safe and surviving the past two years. I no longer want to just survive. I want to live, and I want to live every single moment of my life with intention and gratitude for where I’ve been, and where I still have yet to go.
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I don’t usually get into ruts; my life is pretty good. This week is different and I don’t know why. The only reason I can think of is that I feel like I’m doing everything I want to do, but at the same time, I feel like I’m doing nothing I want to do.
I guess it all kind of started when Covid hit after I *finally* got an airline job. My dream industry. We didn’t know if our jobs or even our airline would exist through the pandemic. I had 6 good months there before someone turned the lights off overnight and there were no people left in our giant international airport for a very long time. Obviously we got through it but the company has never been the same. We still have no idea what our future looks like for a myriad of annoying reasons but that’s a whole separate novel. On another note, I’m finally doing flight school in the state I love, in the weather I love, at my #1 choice school, and it was working beautifully, until it wasn’t. This place is supposed to have some of the best weather on earth and it’s been getting nothing but wind and rain and I’m wasting all kinds of money having a small place and a car there just to not use them except once or twice a month. Never mind all the training I’m losing out on constantly. I barely have money to float school let alone extra money for all the remedial lessons after waiting so long inbetween. I guess I got mad on Monday when we couldn’t get me on the schedule this week, again, because all of the previous lessons that got pushed from last week because of WeAtHeR had this week’s schedule filled completely up before I even had a chance. All of my dreams are technically happening and/or in progress but I mean…the joy is just so absent for reasons that are either out of my control (worldwide health situation?) or sort of silly and unreasonable to plan for (blizzards in SoCal? Really?) and I guess I just never thought clawing my way into my dream industry and working toward the final career goal would feel so…not amazing. It was so exciting before the world went full stupid in 2020. Nothing ever really bounced back to what we had before. It was so amazing before that. So vivid. So exciting. Just like I had imagined. And then it wasn’t. I guess I’m sad. I guess I just don’t know what I’m working toward anymore. Yes, airline pilot, blah blah blah, but in an industry that still feels like this? I don’t know.
Never mind I’m “in my 30s now” with a husband who would like to have a child and I’m over here like “it would be really great to get a few of these ratings out of the way first” but then we have 7,000 weather cancellations in a row so I don’t ever feel like I’ll be done??? And our parents who can help right now are just getting older the longer I wait??? And it all just feels kind of terrible??????
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