i must....... e x p a n d ........... my garden

Pt2 to the Wingman Wayne AU sequel :D (This one’s gonna be slightly longer than most of the other parts!) | You can read pt1 here | ao3 link

Robin would never admit it to Steve, but she is nervous. Like, really nervous. The level of nervous you get from having a date as a lesbian in a small town in the Midwest who has only ever dated one girl before – a girl she knew from the school band, which means they didn't actually meet each other on a date, which means that Robin technically doesn't really have any first-date experience at all – contrary to Steve, who has a lot of first-date experience.

What do people wear for a first date? How do they prepare? Should you even prepare at all? Do people come late, do they come early, do they bring a present, how do they greet each other?  

By the time she's finally changed into clothes that make her feel the right amount of comfortable yet attractive, her room has exploded into even more of a mess than it usually is: her whole wardrobe is covering literally every inch of the floor, another pile of clothes is thrown haphazardly onto her bed, and Polly is making herself comfortable on Robin's favorite soft cardigan, no doubt getting dog hair all over it.

She shoots another glance in the mirror, tugging at her collar and frowning at the way her jeans are fitting around her upper legs.

'No, you're not gonna get changed again,' she sternly tells her reflection. 'You're fine. This is fine. You got this.'

'You got this,' Rosalinda repeats from her cage in the corner of the room. 'You look great. You look great.'

Robin perks up at that; teaching Rosalinda to say “you look great” whenever Robin is looking in the mirror has definitely been one of the better decisions in her whole life so far.

She rushes over to the cage to treat the parrot on some nuts, but then she notices the clock and a string of curses escapes from her mouth as she starts frantically looking for her All Stars - which she finds buried underneath Polly’s butt.

Well, at least she has one thing less to worry about now: fashionably late is gonna be her very well thought through arrival time.

---

She arrives at Benny's about ten minutes late. As she haphazardly shoves her bike into a rack, she spots a curly-haired girl leaning against one of the parked cars with a somewhat bored look on her face.

'I'm so sorry,' Robin says, slightly out of breath as she rushes up to the girl. 'I'm literally the worst at time management and I couldn't find my shoes because my dog was sitting on them and then I lost my keys because I forgot to –'

'It's fine,' the girl interrupts her. To Robin's relief, her lips are curving into a smile – a very pretty smile, that is. 'Mr. Munson already told me that you were probably gonna be late.'

Something about that seems really unfair and Robin huffs.

'How does he even know that? I never even met the man! No one even bothered to tell me your name, and you already know all about one of my worst personality traits!'

'It's Nancy.'

'What?' Robin gives the girl a distracted look.

'My name.' She holds out her hand and Robin shakes it, even though she thinks that's a bit formal for a date – it is, right? Or is this normal date etiquette and is Robin indeed as clueless as she feared she would be?

'I'm Nancy,' the girl elucidates. Her hand is cold against Robin's, but not in an unpleasant way, and Robin can barely suppress a shiver. 'And my worst personality traits is that I always want to be right.'

Robin can't help but smile at her. 'Good to know, I’ll make sure to remember that in case I ever need to let you win an argument,’ she answers.

'You're Robin, right?'

'No, I'm Tammy,' Robin deadpans.

'Oh.' Nancy lets go of her hand, going wide-eyed.

'Kidding. I'm Robin. Sorry for that lame joke.'

But Nancy chuckles, and it sounds just as cute as her smile looks. All of Nancy is cute, actually: she's almost a full head smaller than Robin and wearing a colorful skirt paired with a purple button-down. A necklace with a ballet-shoe pendant is resting against the skin right underneath her collarbones, and her fine-featured face reminds Robin of a work of art: perfectly heartshaped, with sharp cheekbones, a pointed chin, and huge, deep-blue eyes that get this adorable sparkle when she smiles.

And unfortunately, Robin knows all too well what will inevitably happen whenever she's put in front of a girl as pretty as Nancy. It's like she can actually feel the words piling up in her throat.

'I have to warn you, I've never actually been on a date with a girl before. I mean, I've dated a girl, but not been on a date, like, with someone I don't know yet. I mean, it's not like I'm not out yet, alright, but in this town, there's only so many people you can be out to, if you know what I mean, so I couldn't exactly go happily dating around, and I've never really been interested in dating boys at all, so that never happened either – so what I'm trying to say is that I've never been on a date before and it's kinda making me nervous and I have this habit that I start rambling when I'm nervous, so you should probably just cut me off at some point or else I'll be passing out soon because I'm getting really out of breath and –'

'Take a breath,' Nancy finally interrupts her monologue. Her smile is less shy now and more amused, and Robin gratefully does what Nancy ordered her to do.

'It's okay,' Nancy says in a sweetly quiet voice. 'I'm glad you told me. I've actually never been on a date with a girl either. I've been in some relationships, with guys, but they didn't – they didn't really work. Um...' She points towards the door. 'Should we get –'

'Yeah, let's go inside,' Robin says, eagerly taking the chance to continue their conversation somewhere that's not a joyless gray parking lot.

They order at the counter and Robin lets Nancy pick a booth; they end up at the one in the most remote corner.

'Well,' Robin says, raising her Coke at Nancy, 'Cheers to Wayne Munson, I guess, for landing both of us our very first official date with a girl.'

Nancy chuckles and clinks her glass against Robin's.

'Cheers to Wayne Munson,' she repeats. 'I have to admit, I was very surprised when he called me. I only met him once, you know?'

Robin listens attentively while Nancy tells her how she met Mr. Munson at the plant, where he was working while she was on an assignment for the newspaper. It's surprisingly easy, to talk to her. They easily launch into this whole conversation about the working conditions and safety hazards down at the plant, both equally indignant about how the employees are treated there, and Robin fires all kinds of questions at Nancy about her job at the Gazette.

'I've been really lucky,' Nancy admits. 'Last year I got this internship at the Hawkins Post and that was... not great. I was basically the only woman and all those men thought I was only good for making them coffee and sandwiches. It's actually why I broke up with my boyfriend. He thought I should just “sit it out,” be grateful for the opportunity or whatever. Which I thought was fucking bullshit.'

Robin nods eagerly, her mouth too stuffed with Benny's heavenly burger to form an intelligible response.

'Anyway, I didn't sit it out – I went behind their backs for a good story and they fired me. But that's how I ended up at the Gazette. They make much better articles anyway – like the thing we did with the plant.' Nancy pauses to take a sip of her drink, and her eyes are lit up beautifully with the passion for the work she's doing. 'They care about this community, want to publish stuff that actually helps make it better. So I got to talk to Mr. Munson, and he had some really interesting things to say,' she said, coming full-circle with her story like a true journalist. 'But we didn't talk about any personal stuff, you know,' she continues. 'So I was really surprised when he called.'

Robin chuckles. 'Yeah, I haven't even met the man, I only know his nephew Eddie. He's supposed to have some sixth sense for matching queer people,' she tells Nancy while jokingly wiggling her eyebrows. 'That's how my best friend became Eddie's boyfriend. I wouldn't have been here if that dingus didn't tell me that it was gonna be worth it.'

The shyness is back in Nancy's smile as she holds Robin's gaze over their fries.

'Well, I think your friend might be right about that sixth sense,' Nancy says quietly.

Robin feels her cheeks heat up at that and looks away from Nancy's intense gaze.

'Don't tell him that,' she jokes. 'His ego is already annoyingly big.'

She looks back into Nancy's eyes and immediately feels fucking stupid for not taking her chance and say something heartfelt in response to Nancy's brave vulnerability.

'But no matter how much it pains me to admit it, I have to agree with you that he might be right,' she awkwardly adds. And luckily, it works: Nancy is beaming at her like the fucking brightest star in the milky way.

Pt3

Taglist: @munsonsuccubus @messrs-weasley @shrimply-a-menace @booksandsience @sadcanadianwinter @mightbeasleep

HIS

《 CHAPTER 3/4 // READ ON AO3 // TAG 》

Jason has been beaten half to death with a crowbar, shredded by barbed wire, strung up for so long his shoulders ripped from their sockets, shocked, starved, branded… It's only a wooden paddle, it can’t hurt more than any of the Clown’s other toys… right?

《RATING》 🔞 Explicit 《WORDS》 1,542

《CHARACTERS》 Jason Todd/Robin, Joker, Bruce Wayne (mentioned), Tim Drake (mentioned)

《TROPES》 Hurt No Comfort, Angst, Whump, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat

《WARNINGS》 Humiliation, Forced Nudity, Non-Consensual Spanking, Paddling, Genital Torture, Ownership, Blood and Injury, Non-Consensual Touching, Scars

《SERIES》 Part 2 of My Arkhamverse, Part 2 of Ruined

《TAGLIST》 @aaliyah-wayne @ladytauria @betty-1880 @hlg8 @plantixst

《NOTES》

This fic is dark so please be aware of the tags

Kudos & comments on AO3, as well as reblogs here, are greatly appreciated 💛

《 ALSO ON AO3 》 (comments & kudos there are very much appreciated)

The spanking continued, and Jason dissolved into a sobbing mess of misery and despair. His limp cock, smashed between the unyielding surface of the desk and his sweat-soaked belly, was rubbed raw from his writhing. Bloody snot ran down his chin. When Willis beat him with his thick leather belt, Jason refused to give the asshole the satisfaction of seeing him cry. Now he was bucking and blubbering like a six-year-old over a knee.

Cruel fingers playfully pinched his scalded asscheeks. “Whew! Your butt is redder than that tacky leather getup of yours!” Joker exclaimed before lazily dragging a finger over Jason’s taint and up to his clenched hole. Jason wanted to hurl. His body shuddered as he forced his legs to stay spread wide open for the creep, not wanting to give him an excuse to start over.

The paddle blade returned to his ass, and Jason’s bruised and blistered flesh cringed from its touch. A few taps, then the weapon was withdrawn. He felt the whoosh of air as the paddle swung back, then—

The pain was blinding. All of the air was sucked from his lungs and his scream made no sound. Crushing agony exploded in his crotch, erupting into his stomach, overwhelming his entire being; a titanium fist clamped around his nuts and guts, squeezing tighter and tighter, ripping his body in half from the inside out. When the fog of agony began to dissipate, Jason found himself curled into the fetal position on the cold floor, both hands wrapped protectively around his throbbing sack, gasping for breath between coughs like a fish out of water. Sweat and tears poured down his face. The muscles in his neck were pulled as taut as a grappling cable. Bile burned like acid in the back of his throat as waves of nausea rolled through him.

Then the paddle was tapping against his ass again, yanking him fully back to the present, back to his punishment. Jason whimpered helplessly through his clenched, broken teeth, pulling his knees to his chest, curling his battered body into a tighter knot. His cock and balls tried to retreat inside him to escape that horrible piece of wood.

“Oh quit being such a baby, Jason,” Joker admonished, tap-tap-tapping with that paddle, “you’ve had worse beatings than this.”

Jason didn’t give a single fuck about the other beatings. Right now he was in a world devoid of anything but agony and terrified of getting hit in the balls again. His head shook back and forth against the filthy floorboards. “I… can’t,” he gasped, struggling to get the words past his clenched jaw and labored breathing.

The paddle struck his ass again, and this time Jason’s head flew back with a jerk. “Please sir, I can’t take it!” he squealed, his voice pitching higher.

“I can’t take it!” Joker mocked. “Pfft, you say that every time I torture you, and yet, here you are, only slightly worse for wear. Now, be a good boy and get back over the desk so daddy can finish your well-deserved sound spanking.”

Jason knew once he was back over that desk he’d experience this hell on earth again. It was inevitable. So he didn’t move, only shook like a leaf in a hurricane. Joker grabbed him up by his soaked hair and heaved him back down across the desk. The lip of the desktop stabbed into his aching balls, causing him to shriek, knocking the wind from his lungs again. His legs buckled but Joker held him down with an arm across the small of his back, then pushed him up on his toes, whacking his thighs with that fucking paddle. Jason’s eyes screwed shut and he bit down on his tongue to stifle his screams as stinging slaps rained down in rapid succession on his raw skin. Soon blood from his tongue was trickling from the corner of his mouth.

“Now, can you take your punishment like a big boy or do I need to tie you down? I have some leftover barbed wire I can use…”

“I can, sir,” he lied, knowing that the next assault on his nuts would have him on the floor again.

The paddle cracked across the center of his asscheeks, over the twin bruises, reverberating down to the bone. “99!” he yelled.

“Oh, no no no, you silly goose,” Joker chided cheerfully, mussing his sweat-soaked hair. “The count’s at one. I warned you what would happen if you got out of position, didn’t I?”

Sinking terror gripped him with its icy fist. “No… please…” CRACK! “Oh God, please stop hitting me!” he squeaked.

“Hey now, don’t give God all the credit when I’m the one doing all the work around here!”

CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! His insides withered up, twisting tighter and tighter with each awful blow. The paddle landed on his ass but he felt the anguish in his tortured testicles. He wanted to die.

“I’m waiting, Jason,” Joker sang as he rubbed the flat of the paddle in hard circles over the blisters and bruises. “I don’t hear coun-ting.”

His body went limp, sagging as he submitted yet again. “One… s-s-sir,” he cried pitifully.

“That’s my good boy!” His ass clenched as it got a smack with the back of a gloved hand. “I knew you had it in ya!”

The paddle slammed into him, again and again and again, and soon he felt a puddle of warmth spreading beneath his belly, seeping up between his ribs and breastbone. The sharp ammonia stench of urine assaulted his nostrils but he was in too much pain to care. This wasn’t the first time he’d pissed himself while Joker beat him, and it definitely wouldn’t be the last.

The splintered bones in his ankle felt as if they were clawing through his papery flesh. The hurt snowballed until it was too much for him to bear. He bent his knee to relieve the pressure, leaving his ankle dangling behind the desk, just begging to be hit by that paddle. Joker eagerly obliged.

Jason’s head snapped back and he screamed so loud that it burned his throat. “Stop!” he begged, his voice hoarse. “Please sir, mercy!”

“Tsk, tsk. Just a teensy-weensy bit of torture and you’re begging for mercy. It’s a wonder the big bad Bat didn’t abandon you sooner. Can't have the loose ends spilling his big Bat secrets.”

“But I haven’t told you anything,” he protested feebly.

Joker patted his ass a few times, lining up his shot. “Well, that’s only because I haven’t asked you anything,” he conceded.

Jason pressed his forehead against the bloody wood and sucked in a shuddering breath, preparing for the next blow. But Joker wasn’t finished talking just yet. “You know, Bats sure didn’t waste any time recasting the role. Ooo, maybe he was already looking for a fresh-faced, black-haired, blue-eyed urchin to play the part before I got my hands on you!”

The Clown’s words stabbed at his heart and tore a miserable wet sob from his chest. That gut-wrenching thought had already crossed his mind, but hearing Joker say it aloud drove the dagger even deeper; made it hurt even worse than before—made it feel like the truth. There were plenty of signs: how his last few months as Robin were spent staying out of Batman’s way, being more of a damn lap dog than partner; the cold disapproval that was palpable whenever he was around Bruce; the fights, quarrels, and constant arguments about how Batman’s methods would never be effective in this shithole of a city. Why couldn’t I have just kept my damn mouth shut and been grateful for everything the man gave me? His face flushed red hot with shame. Once again he surrendered to the pain. He deserved this beating, like all of the others. It was what Bruce wanted.

His mind suddenly flashed back to when Bruce presented him with the Robin armor. It was one of the happiest moments of his life, second only to the day Bruce adopted him as his ward. Then that happy scene in his mind’s eye melted into one of horror. Bruce presented similar armor to his replacement. He told the new kid from all the photos how much of a failure the last Robin was. He told Robin Number Three how he hoped he’d live up to the legacy of Robin Number One: the true Robin. The paddle tore into his ass again, but he barely registered it this time. The pain of knowing he’d failed Bruce was more acute than anything the Clown could dish out.

By the time they reached 99 again, Jason’s words were slurring. His legs had gone limp, his ass numb. He was holding himself up by his hands, fighting to stay conscious but he didn’t know how much more he could take. The violent, repeated blows had literally stripped the flesh off his ass and thighs, and droplets of blood trickled down the backs of his legs. Joker could keep whaling on him for the next 24 hours and there wasn’t a goddamn thing he could do about it except pray that he would pass out or die. Not that anyone had ever listened to those prayers before.

I heard requests were open, and I was wondering if I could request something with a cat hybrid reader? I was thinking, headcanons of how the different hybrids (Sam, Sapnap, Schlatt, maybe Foolish and XD? Dunno.) would handle the reader on their heat? And what if they’re on their heat at the same time as the hybrid boys are on their ruts? Thanks!

Sure thing friend! I also saw your other messages regarding this, and please don't worry about being specific! It's actually much appreciated ^^; Enjoy!~

~Awesamdude~ You and Sam did butt heads a little first, him being a Creeper and you being a cat. It was actually your cycles lining up that brought you two together! You would hiss back at him when he would get close to exploding (actually blowing up, not busting a nut) and that would calm him down and remind him not to let himself go too much. The way you whined and begged for him would be too much for him to handle however, little sparks leaving marks along your hip. Your ears would flatten as you came, claws sinking into his lanky legs.

~Sapnap~ You were a little unsure how things would go with Sapnap, despite his reassurance that he's used to cats. When your cycles synced up however, you realized how dangerous he truly was. The horns on his head grew, along with his claws and tail as they marked and wrapped around you respectively. Blasphemy would fall from his lips as he mated you, pushing you to your limits, bordering on destroying you completely with how vicious your cycles were. Afterwards he was sure to completely pamper you, feeling slightly bad for being so rough with you.

~Schlatt~ This ram, was the biggest pain your ass during his ruts. There were very little instances where you could keep his hands off you. And if your cycle hit when his did? Forget any plans you'd made previously. Schlatt doesn't exactly care what hybrid you were, he wants you and he (usually) gets what he wants. He was cruel with his words, using any whine or whimper against you. Afterwards, words aren't exactly Schlatt's strong suit, but he shows his appreciation in actions. He'll brush the fur he's mussed and stained with cum, get you just about anything you want, even massage and ease the wounds he's caused.

~Foolish~ This builder was always curious about you and what it meant for you to be a hybrid. He was weirdly meticulous in keeping an eye on when your cycles were, and if they matched up with his at all. When they did, well, you better have a first aid kit on hand. Your tail and ears weren't immune from being bit, just like the rest of your skin. It was something Foolish always felt absolutely awful about at the end of his ruts. Think the whole "someone's gone into my room and taken my beer from my room" kinda vibe, but replace those with "I was too rough with you during my cycle and now you don't want to be my mate". "I don't think so darling :3" Cue the undeserving shark hybrid noises.

Saturday Desires

A wishful story/goal I wish I could share with someone (we all wish we could if we dont have it) -

Sharing our 'secret' secret together has exploded... being able to let go with someone and trust each other has been the most fulfilling and exciting thing for both of us in a long time. What started as trips to hang out and feel each other out has led to the burning desire to meet regularly. Spending nights and weekends together. Friends have begun to ask us where we have been and our responses ... ‘busy heh’ - But we both know what we have been doing and why. I have become obsessed with listening to her heart... and she knows it... and she loves it.

We stayed up late last night and she woke up before me. I could smell the coffee. Delicious. I feel like my brain automatically has started associating the smell of coffee or caffeine with her heartbeat. Almost as if it triggers my hornyness now. Makes me think of her beautiful heartbeat pounding in my hand and ears. Woke up full mast. I can see her back to me facing out the window holding the coffee in her hand. She's watching the rain outside and its peaceful. I can't help myself as always and love coming up behind her. She can hear me approach and says good morning. I wrap my hands slow around her waist and kiss her neck and give her ear a quick nibble, "good morning yourself" I press myself to her back and butt and she can feel me. "I'm sorry I can't help myself you and your heart drive me crazy" "Mhmmm I can see that," she said as I rock back and forth a bit holding her.

We stand there for a while and she can feel my heart beating into her shoulder/back ... and butt (lol). I see her beautiful nipples poking through the shirt and I can't help myself. (I love them too) I take my left hand and start caressing her waist and move up to her breast. I grab her breast in a way where my palm is pressing against her apex or pmi... I want to feel her heart right now. Her heart is fluttering this morning and much more often since we've let go and had fun with our cardiophilia. I feel the thumping against my palm and moan in her ear...kissing her neck again as I caress her nipple with my thumb and forefinger. "I can't help myself you and your heartbeat drive me nuts," as I turn her around slightly and give her nipple heat from my mouth through her shirt. "I can feel her fluttering this morning... and you're excited already... Let's go! I WANT to listen to her right now...I NEED to" ... I gently grab the coffee cup from her and put it on the counter. I take her hand and start leading her back to the bed. She smiles and pulls me back hard to give me a kiss. Her lips are soft and she kisses with her soul. Gentle but firm.

I motion for her to sit on the stool and like clockwork we've grown accustomed to one of these positions. Having had many meets and steth sessions in the last several months. Armless is the best for great access and some kinky positioning. The stool is right at the edge of the bed so her back is pretty much against me. I take one of our steths from the bed and put it in my ears. She leans back against me with approval and turns her head to the right to give me access to her beautiful heart. "You already know <3"

I dont ask for permission... I lift her shirt above her head as she raises her hands for me to take it off.. exposing her beautiful chest, skin, heartbeat, and nipples for me in all their glory. I go for the 'kill' and use my right hand to steth her and listen to her beautiful aroused and racing heartbeat (or soon to be) and put her nipple in between my fingers of my left hand and press firmly into her heart. I want her own heartbeat to shake my hand enough that it rubs her nipple with each heartbeat. I know it drives her nuts and it drives me nuts too to please her. Her nipple doesnt take long to grow erect and her breathing has turned to a hot mess of moans and mmmmms. Her heartbeat poundy and more visible then ever right now. Its driving me crazy... I could listen and play with her for hours.

It doesnt take long at all for me to know her body language... I know she wants to touch herself really bad. "Go ahead... I want to listen to you cum while I watch and listen baby" She moans in approval and starts to rub her box while I continue to listen feel and watch her heartbeat. I can smell her. I love her moans too when she gets closer. I knead and kiss her neck here and there. Giving her ear a quick bite again as she gets closer and closer. It doesnt take her long (doesnt take us both long after unlocking the cardiophilia) When I feel she has reached the point of no return I divert all my attention to her pounding heartbeat in my ears and feel her amazing heartbeat firmly. Her heart is hammering so hard that I swear it is shaking our bodies. I love it. Her sexy gasps of air and labored breathing sounds like heaven. She keeps moaning in approval as her orgasm subsides and can feel her heart hammering into my palm and ears.

"I'm not done yet... turn around missy"

Part 2 later?

quotes from my 10 y/o little sister because this bitch is insane

“7 minutes until your butt explodes”

“booty hole booty hole booty hole booty hole” (repeatedly)

“do you wash your nuts like the cat does” (to my dad) (he said no)

“well then do you wash them in the sink”

Find the Word Tag Game

tagged by: @sleepyowlwrites!! my words: look, lose, long, leave, linger, liable tagging: @sleepyowlwrites, @drippingmoon, @druidx, @ashen-crest, @drabbleitout, @zmwrites, anyone who wants to, and mermaids. from...space. your words: clear, close, call, crowd, check, cross

look (Aurora)—

Thrive stepped away from the capital house to join them as Sussa conversed with Varussa. "Just how many guests are we expecting?" he asked Warren.

"Too many," Warren chuckled.

Guetry chomped on his metal cigarette. "I even took the liberty of requesting that the 'Sort allow us access to the Ingress Gate. They said no. But then I reminded them that without you guys, the Emmuli would have a good time juggling our nuts until they snorted the universe on a whim, not to mention that [Thrive’s an Andromeda native] and it would look real bad if they refused. Then they said yes."

"How kind," Thrive said.

lose (Rebirth)—

Warren grabbed the sides of his face. "Don't ever fucking scare me like that again, okay? You don't have the right or the privilege."

"I know," Thrive repeated. "I'd like to blame the Emmuli, but I feel it may simply be my inability to process the stresses of this war."

"We're gonna finish this," Warren said, shaking him lightly. "We're gonna end it, everything, with the war and the shadow bastards, and then we're gonna take an extended vacation on Tournaltis. I promise you, it's gonna happen. Just don't lose it completely before then, please. You've been through worse. You can get through this."

Thrive nodded.

long (Meridian)—

Thrive slowed to a stop when they reached the shuttles.

Warren turned when he realized he was no longer beside him. "Yo. You good?"

He didn't respond. His brows drew together and he cast his attention upward, into the sky.

After a beat Warren looked up as well. He couldn't see anything out of the ordinary save for the cloud of exploded star that hovered over them like a massive hand about to clamp down. "Do you hear something I'm not hearing?"

Scot stopped, too, closer to the shuttles. He turned to them, face seams solid purple, and looked directly at Thrive, who met his wide-eyed stare.

Then Warren felt it. A drastic drop in temperature that pierced his armor and form suit, plateaued through the sweltering heat, then dropped even more. His HUD blinked in alarm, unable to keep up with just how quickly the cold moved in on them.

"Oh, shit," Warren shouted. "Everybody out!"

leave (Aurora)—

"I'm proud of you, too, I hope you know."

"How's that?"

Thrive cast his gaze down to his tablet, and his profile seemed less austere, the lights easing the curves of his face. "You've come a long way since I've met you. I don't think your anxiety or depression is as bad as it once was."

"Maybe not now, but just you wait until this is all over and I'll show you a trauma response like you wouldn't believe."

"I know it's hard for you," Thrive said softly. "I can relate. I'd just like you to know that I look up to your courage and your sense of good."

The words slammed into Warren like a meteor and he gripped the arm of his chair, suddenly winded. "Don't tell me that."

"I don't care if you don't want me to say it; it's true. I wouldn't be able to leave you in peace if I didn't say it. But I've said it, now, and I won't say it again."

Warren had to count the stars he could easily see through the window in order to bring himself back to a sense of realism.

linger (Meridian)—

Warren, clad in armor with a rifle held tight in his hands, cocked his head at Scot. "What does it say?"

"…I can't read it." Scot ran his fingers over the carving, lingering on the writing. "I'm unable to translate. It doesn't match any dialect or lexicon I can—"

Warren laid into the control panel with the butt of the rifle, bashing it in until the glass shattered and sparks erupted from the rim in pops of angry, ancient electricity. The door shuddered and slid open a few feet, enough to allow a body to pass through.

Scot turned to him. "That works."

liable (Aurora)—

During the ensuing shocked silence, Thrive leaned forward in his seat. "How do you feel about this?"

"I'm not sure." Guetry closed his eyes. "I'm not exactly...equipped to ———. I have an extremely dangerous job, my survival relies on a bunch of codes in a chip in my head, and I am very liable to fall back on previous addictions. I'm not even sure why the law considers me a viable option."

"But how do you feel about it?"

Guetry looked at him again. "...Terrified.”

Any headcannons on me fav trio’s chemistry with each other: Raz, Dogen, and Lili?

First of all: sorry for taking so long to answer you! I hope my following words are satisfactory enough! ❤️ And thanks a lot for the ask! HAHA

Basically, I headcannon that - for self explanatory reasons - both Raz and Lili are painfully excitable nerds (Lili just hides her excitement better LMAAO!)... and even though Dogen also gets pretty happy when talking about his interests/fixations, he's not adventurous like his friends.

While Raz and Lili prefer to explore, Dogen prefers to chill at home, far from all the noise that would drive him nuts. Now, he also enjoys to be at his friends' side, so he always tag along in their shenanigans: he trusts that they will stick by his side if everything goes wrong and he feels overwhelmed.

Comparing this trio to a movie one, Raz would be the mighty protagonist who uses his cool powers, good humor and amazing acrobatics to get them through every kind of situation.

Lili would be their brain... always clever and way more rational than her peers, even though she usually butt heads with Raz. She also uses her herbokynesis as the coolest weapon ever, despite hating most people.

Dogen, on the other hand, usually doesn't use his powers, being too scared to even do something. He usually is satisfied by just being protected by Raz and Lili... which doesn't means that he's useless either, quite the contrary. Dogen always supports them both, always giving his best! But when he gets pissed... OH BOY! 🗣️ HEADS FUCKING EXPLODE! 🤣

In other other: they're the best trio, and they enjoy a lot being with each other, despite disagreeing quite often. They hang out together, they go to each other's homes... yep. They're best friends! 💅

30-40 for any armed asshats and space couple you want

My turn to write about Ivana and Carmina. And and thought about which armed asshats this time but i’m kidding myself, Lucien and Viessa take about 70% of my brain RAM right now and i just gotta ride the wave lest i stop creating altogether lol

30. Do they enjoy dancing?

Ivana doesn’t really do dancing, never been good at it. She would enjey a little slow dance that's more like holding each other and leaning from side to side, if and whenever Carmina wants to

They doooo! They’re both experienced in multiple ballroom dances and you know, living for a millenia can get boring at times so why not hit up every fancy party Lucien invites himself into

31. What’s a perfect date for them?

Go to some very quiet restaurant with good food and wine

Get cultured in a museum/art show/theater, then evnture to some secluded spot overlooking a breathtaking scenery, have some food and wine, and just watch the sunset and the stars

32. How do they comfort each other?

Ivana will straight up ask Carmina what she wants her to do, how to best comfort her in the situation, get her some tea, let her know she can take off her hearing aids and just focus on herself, act as a weighted blanket for her. They’re adults and neurodivergent so just telling and asking what the other wants is the best way to communicate. Ivana would like to be comforted by just letting her vent or letting her take some time off of chores so she can relax

Just be a shoulder to cry and vent on, spend some quiet time together, wash the others hair, small things like that 

33. Who is the big spoon and why?

Ivana is the blanket (sometimes). I dont think theyd sleep spooning but when watching a movie or something i feel like Ivana is the big spoon

Lucien, quoth the ancient texts: “dick hard on the butt, titty in my hand, kiss ya neck, hell. yeah”

34. What’s their favorite nonsexual activity together?

Reading (parallel play style), playing with cats, cooking together

Also reading parallel play style, attending theater, going out in the night to hunt some wrongdoers

35. How do they deal with being away from each other for a long time?

Like adults. Text each other on the regular. Carmina can send all the cool bug facts to her, Ivana might even react with an emoji. 

They keep themselves busy, Lucien doing Deanoh’s bidding, hunting down artifacts, lending a hand to some guilds. Viessa seems to have an endless supply of tomes to get through and develop new magic.

36. What is their favorite place to kiss the other? (Cheek, hand, closed eyelid, neck, nose, etc.)

Lips, cheek, jaw for Ivana, if getting a bit risquè its cleavage. 

Lips, jaw, hands on Lucien. Corner of her mouth, earlobes and neck on Viessa

37. Have they ever hurt each other on accident?

Yeah, it happens. Ivana might’ve said something inconsiderate. Carmina might’ve ignored something Ivana had asked and other forms of miscommunication.

During the second age, after Vilya went nuts and exploded the entirety of the weave, Viessa’s magic became quite unstable, so she might’ve exploded Lucien a couple of times. Viessa’s gotten a few cuts when Lucien’s been careless with his weapons. 

38. Have they ever hurt each other deliberately?

Nope, neither of them have any time for this juvenile attitude of “oh they aren't acting like i want them to so i’ll do something bad to make them realize. Like no, that's so dumb.

They’ve said some nasty stuff to each other in the beginning. Lucien wasn’t very sympathetic nor comforting to Viessa when all that undead stuff unraveled. And Viessa used to be very frustrated with him and his antics 

39. Who gets hit on the most?

Carmina, bc she is a bombshell, just a quirky one. And Ivana’s aura is so offputting even her coworkers refuse to talk to her if it isn’t absolutely necessary

Lucien, he makes it super easy for anyone to approach him and is more out there than Viessa is. Not that Viessa doesn’t get hit on

40. Who tries to distract the other when they’re trying to do something else?

They respect the other’s space. It’s more “hey when you got a second come look at this”. And I think Carmina would do that a bit more

Lucien, especially when he’s bored, constantly asking Viessa what she’s doing, laying in increasingly weird position on the couch behind her desk, throwing daggers at a wall, etc general nuisance stuff

Arnie's Sock

This story is second hand, and I usually stick to my own personal stories, but this one was just too nuts to omit. It involves my cousin Sheryl and her husband Arnie.

Every time I start to feel a little too proud of myself, my family is never too far away to remind me of my meager roots. Who are these people anyway?

And the story goes: As retold by my my mom:

Arnie and Sheryl were out fishing for the day. It was one of the things they enjoyed doing together. They lived near the waterways and were outdoorsy country people. Sheryl was not feeling great and asked Arnie to call the fishing trip short so she could go find a bathroom. As they exited the boat and walked toward their parked truck, Sheryl realized she didn't have much time left. She squatted and started "crapping". Realizing she had no toilet paper, she yelled to Arnie, "Give me your sock!" He hesitated, but she insisted. "Just give it here". He took his sock off of his sweaty foot and handed it to her. She used it as toilet paper. According to Arnie, she was "flossing" her ass with it. My mom does a hilarious impersonation of butt flossing between her legs.

Me: Oh my God! Gross! I have never shit in the woods, knock on wood.

Mom: Neither did Sheryl. She shit right on the side of the road behind Arnie's truck.

Me: What?! What did they do with the sock?

Mom: They just left it there.

Me: Imagine being a park ranger and coming across that scene. Did some full of shit guy explode? Leaving behind only a dirty sock?

Mom: That is your cousin. She didn't care at all.

Me: I am still not sure we are related.

Heat of the Moment

It was the year 2009 and, I was jerking off to Big Daddy Chris Sturnolio. He is so hot that every time a little thought of him crosses my mind I get so fucking hard that it feels like my dick will open a hole through my pants. I couldn't stop touching and stroking my raging cock that always had pre-cum. Anyway, after a busted a fat fucking nut, I zip up my pants and go to work.

I go to work to start my shift, I work at a place where celebrities like eating. I had always hoped that my hubby Chris Sturnolio would come and eat here. I started my shift and served my first customer a cheeseburger. When I looked up it was my Big Papa Chris and his hit fucking brothers. My dick got so hard and they noticed, the brothers had said " I see that big fucking dick in your shorts.", " Here's my numbers baby boy, call me so I can take care of that." I was so excited my dream had finally come true! I can have sex with those hot-ass men.

I ended my shift mean while being hard the whole day thinking about how I'm going to get my shit hole stretched out because of their big fucking dicks. So my shift ended and I called Chris. He answered and said " Hey are you the guy that I can't wait to fuck" I said Yes Daddy and he told me his address. He said, " Can't wait to see you, baby boy". That made me so fucking horny that I felt like my dick was about to explode. I went zooming to his house to get fucked. I rang the door and once he had opened the door I saw three big booty men standing at the door butt ass naked with their package out big and hard. I quickly took off my clothes and started making out with Matt but he slapped me across the face and said " Uh Uh Uh not yet baby bird, we have a surprise for you upstairs. So I walked upstairs and they tied me to the bed and they all had whips. I had my hard raging cock waiting to be violated.

They started jerking me off and whipping me in the balls (I loved that). Once my balls turned blue they turned me over and put my ass out in the open. Chris and Matt put both of their big ass dicks inside of me meanwhile Nick was fucking both of them from behind. It hurt so much and I was bleeding but their cocks felt so good. They kept on whipping me and saying " WHO'S MY BIG BITCH" and I was screaming ME DADDY ME.

After 12 hours of brutal sex, they all finished cumming and said to get ready for round 2. My shit hole was so stretched out and I felt like fainting.

I lived a daily life of fucking my big papas for 19 hours a day.

I lived happily ever after.

You know what? I'm getting really tired of these damn things flashing me and Flash Man-ing me and carving inappropriate images into my butt with lasers. This needs to end. Now. Before my descriptions of these events get any weirder.

yoink

KER-SLAM

As with anything, the key to success is knowing the right wrestling moves. If you're going to try this at home, go nuts, just don't do it on any killer smart device manufactured by Samsung. What you do with your own spine is your business, but everyone else within a mile radius didn't ask you to explode. Just saying.

Because my DM is a nut bar (affectionate) who got lost in the sauce making what he wanted (a rechargeable elemental taser - continual use item, terms and conditions apply) rather than what I asked for (an elemental recursive shield - one use, upper limits set) I decided to let you guys see and discuss both. Bracer: Elemental Recursive Shield. This item can be made in multiple ways. 1: Pre-set element.            This bracer is made with an element in mind (ice, fire, ext.).                      Example: A shield is created with ice in mind. All energy damage based on ice/cold are absorbed into the bracer until the upper limit is reached. Once the upper limit is reached, the bracer is consumed by the element chosen. The bracer destroys itself, causing the user 1/4 the bracer’s upper limit in damage to the user. 3/4th the upper limit is transmuted into the opposing energy, then shot in a single -no miss- ray/beam to the last opponent to hit the user with elemental energy.           Henry the human is learning to be a blacksmith. His family saved up and got him a shield for his apprenticeship. It is pre-set to fire/heat. Its upper limit is fifty. Henry will be protected from fifty points of fire damage and mishaps that happen during his training as sparks fly and burns happen. Instead, the bracer takes in the energy. When the upper limit is reached, the bracer bursts into flames, sparking wildly, causing Henry to take one fourth the upper limit in damage. At the same time the bracer shoots a ray of ice/cold damage equal to three fourths the upper limit to the last thing that tried to burn Henry - be that the forge, a hot weapon, or his lunch. If this damage was done by a person (someone pored a hot drink on Henry, or anciently burned his butt with hot tongs) that person takes the ice/cold damage.                   Elemental damage reduction/save/resistances do apply vs this damage. If the forge cannot take the cold, it goes out. A person may freeze to death, a hot weapon may shatter. 2: Manual-select element.            This bracer has a built-in icon dial that allows the user to select the element the bracer will protect against. This requires one move action, and cannot be changed once locked in.           Example: This shield is created with need in mind, rather than premeditated use. Once the dial is spun to the desired element and locked in, the bracer activates. This cannot be changed or shut off once activated.           Tonya Teifling has an Elemental Recursive Shield. She chooses to set it to Ice/cold, locking in the element. Her upper limit is 50. Tonya is in a fight with Mona the Mage. After the bracer absorbs 50 points of ice/cold damage from Mona, Tonya now has to take 12-13 points of ice/cold damage as the bracer turns into bitter frost and explodes in a hail of ice. As it does so, a beam of fire/heat energy shoots towards Mona, hitting Mona for 37-38 points of damage.            Elemental damage reduction/save/resistances do apply vs this damage. If Mona the Mage has fire resistance 3, Mona takes three less damage, no matter what. 3: Auto-select element.           This bracer reacts to the first elemental damage the user takes after its activation, locking in the type.           Example: This shield is created with a trigger effect. The first elemental damage the user takes activates the trigger, locking in the element it protects against until upper limits are reached.          Helen the halfling has a shield. While working in her lab, tinkering with SCIENCE!, Helen is hit by an electric spark from a shorting circuit. The spark triggers the bracer, locking in electric as the type of energy Helen is now protected from. When the upper limits are reached, the bracer sparks, giving off an arch of electricity that cause Helen’s hair to stand on end as the bracer overheats, slewing off her arm in many -no fix- pieces. Helen takes one fourth upper limit in damage, might trigger a heart attack, the other three fourths of the damage transmuting into negative energy damage, shooting a beam directly at the last thing that shocked or electrified Helen.     Elemental damage reduction/save/resistances do apply vs this damage. If the last thing to electrify Helen was a toaster, it may never work again. If it was Larry the Lighting Sorcerer, Larry may find one of his limbs doesn’t work, he’s suddenly tired, or some of his spells are affected as he is hit with a negative energy ray for three fourths the shield’s upper limit. If Larry has resistances vs. negative energy, he takes less damage. 4: Universal.           This bracer absorbs all elemental damage the user would take until upper limits are reached.           Example: This shield is created for the absorption of all elemental damage types. It will absorb all damage listed as ‘elemental’ (your game system will tell you what counts as elemental damage) until the upper limit is reached.           Devon the Dragon-born has a universal shield. Its upper limit is fifty. Devon is in a fight with Wally the Warlock. Wally is an elemental master, slinging all sorts of elemental damage towards Devon. Devon’s shield has absorbed ten fire, ten electric, ten cold, and ten acid damage so far. Wally sonic screams at Devon for an additional ten points of damage, overloading the shield. Devon feels his shield react as if gravity itself was messing with reality. Devon takes 2-3 fire, 2-3 electric, 2-3 cold, 2-3 acid, and 2-3 sonic damage. This is negligible damage of each type, but adds up. Devon feels as if his arm is oddly not his own for a few rounds as Wally takes 35-40 points of force damage, knocking him back - because the last damage Wally hit Devon with was sonic.           Elemental damage reduction/save/resistances do apply vs this damage. If Wally has immunity to sonic and reduction on fire, but is hit with force, his immunities and reductions do not apply. If Wally has a reduction on force damage, Wally may apply it to the damage he would take.

When created, you must choose one of the four options listed. Base price is 1,000 GP, as it must start as master worked. The item can be made of any material a bracer can be made of. This item is usable until the upper limit is reached. The limit does not reset if removed or passed on/inherited by another character. If another character inherits/loots the item, the damage the shield has absorbed remains. There is no way to tell how much of the shield has been used. The shield will do the upper limit breach damage to who ever is wearing it at the time. It must be worn to be activated. No attunement is necessary. Upper limits start at 50, reaching 500. Cost increases by 500 GP (Pathfinder money tables used, adjust for your game accordingly) per increment of 50. This is a limited use magic item. It always looks like a bracer. This is what my Scooby snack coma induced DM (affectionate) made: Elemental recursor shield.  Absorbs up to 120 elemental damage of one type. Explodes at 120 dealing 120 damage to target attacker.  Once you have 12 points of damage stored, you may, as a swift action, charge your hand or weapon. As a standard action while charged, you may project a ray of the opposite element or strike an opponent for bonus damage.  The damage is 1d6 for each 12 points of damage you discharge. Cost: 6,000 GP. Which, if you read it right, means it’s a simi-permanent magic item (as it does still explode if you don’t discharge it). You have to set the element before you make it. Its upper limit is 120. The player takes no damage. HOWEVER! And this is huge. That 12 to 6 turn is massive. It means you can do up to nine dice worth of elemental ray to your opponent or just into the void itself. Shoot it into the air for all you care. Aim for a star. It won’t reach, but it discharges the shield, leaving it free to absorb more damage. It’s only if/when the upper limit is reached without being drained (overloaded, if you will) that it breaks. I saw one of the other players eye slight up like an animated fan girl. It’s a simi-permanent, reusable, rechargeable, distance based taser. I have never seen someone special interest so hard with such misunderstanding of the actual requested item so fast and cause so much chaos at the table as this. Bill, my PC, had to punch someone to keep them from trying to take it from him. I mean, HE commissioned it. Okay, he commissioned MY shield. He *got* the DMs. What do you guys think? Which would you want? Which would you allow in your game? We genuinely want to find out.

My mouse had a stroke and I accidentally unfollowed you while trying to send this ask D:

Yesterday I thought of a small scenario. Imagine a MC that loves birds/animals and used to feed birds (using a bird feeder/leaving seed and nuts outside of their window) in the human world. So when they see the little Devildom birds, they put some food for them on their window sill and whenever a bird comes around to eat, MC coos at them and speaks in a cutsie voice bc the birds are so adorable. And of course the brothers burst into the room (because apparently MC doesn't deserve privacy) and catch them doing so.

The Brothers with a Disney Princess!MC.

Fluff with a side of stupidity. Also, I hate referring to animals as “it”, like they’re inanimate objects. So I’m not going to.

Lucifer

Walks into the courtyard one morning to see the resident peacock with his tail feathers spread wide open, colours on full display.

That’s unusual. He hasn’t seen any hens nearby.

Then he rounds the corner and sees you sitting on a bench, a book balanced on one knee and a small bucket of berries beside you.

Of course you’re feeding the bird.

The arrogant, self-important, often violent bird.

Like it’s the most normal thing in the whole world.

His heart grows three sizes that day.

Mammon

Strolls into your room uninvited (as usual) to see you standing at your open window with a small tub of food, a large black bird on the sil in front of you.

Are you... feeding a crow?

One of his crow familiars???

And just when this boy thought he had his feelings for you under control, too.

There is no coming back from this. The Great Mammon is done for.

Hey, hold on.

Did HIS familiar just drop a fucking ring in your lap?!

Wait... THAT’S HIS RING!

Leviathan

Catches you feeding the fish in the pond at the Demon Lord’s castle.

Aw, that’s so cute... Waitaminute, is that a jar of Henry’s food in your hand?!

When did you- How did you-

Is torn between melting and exploding.

Once he calms down he considers inviting you next time he goes to visit Lotan.

Clearly you like aquatic creatures. It’s still romantic if you’re feeding them havoc devil quarters instead of fish flakes, right?

Satan

Watches you slipping treats to the “stray” cats living in the garden.

Wants to remind you that they are on a strict feeding schedule and that the treats have little nutritional value, but-

One of the cats jumps into your lap, standing on their back legs to butt you with their furry little head.

His heart.

Immediately puts in an order for a dozen of Madame Scream’s famous macarons. The cats aren’t the only ones who deserve treats for being so cute.

Asmodeus

Loves to watch you garden. He’s so impressed with the way you’ve adapted to working with the unique flora of the Devildom.

Plus, the way the moonlight dances across your skin? He may or may not have an entire album on his phone dedicated to photos of you in the garden.

Just a minute... What’s that over by the fence?

Oh no! It’s making its way over to you!

Opens his mouth to shout a warning, but then you bend down and... oh.

Yep, that’s a wild Caerbannog Rabbit, and you’ve just picked them up. Like a housecat.

And now you’re feeding them from the garden.

Is impressed by your kindness and stupidity bravery. Is also a little bit afraid of you now.

Mourning the loss of the salad you promised him.

Beelzebub

Finds you crouched down on the back porch holding out a spoon filled with what smells like sugar water.

What’s that next to you? Is that... a fly?

It is. It’s an exhausted little fly and he’s having a sip of the nectar you made.

Wait. Did you do this on purpose?

It certainly looks that way.

But aren’t humans meant to be repulsed by flies?

He’s subconsciously shifted into his demon form and his wings are rubbing together in joy.

Belphegor

Is enjoying a lazy picnic with you in a nearby meadow. His head is pillowed in your lap and he’s never felt more content.

His eyes have just slid shut when there’s a hot whumph of air in his face.

How in the fuck did a wild cow sneak up on the two of you???

Sits up just as the cow drops to their belly beside you, nosing through the remainder of your lunch.

Sadboi has an intense emotion when you throw your arms around the cow’s neck and offer them a biscuit.

This wild animal has bodily shoved their way into your life and you just... embraced them.

Is once again amazed that creatures like you and him can exist in the same universe.

Decides that the cow can stay, but there’s no way he’s sharing your lap.

A/N: Did you know that flies can act as pollinators? Yes, they may require a flesh sacrifice in exchange, but who doesn’t? Check out this article fore more information.

On a post about the Blue Haired Girlfriend's quixotic citrus breeding experiments, @voidingintotheshout​ asked:

I mean, if you wanted a hearty citrus relative, why didn’t you just grow Osage Orange? They can grow as far north as Michigan which is surely further north than anyone could reasonably expect to grow a citrus tree. They’re not edible but then hearty orange isn’t either. Osage Orange are so cool and such a interesting historical plant from the Shelterbelt era of American agriculture. Apparently they do smell like citrus.

This is part three of three. Part one. Part two.

Now you've done it! It's time for A Very Brief (But Also Insufficiently Brief) History of Twentieth Century Hardy Citrus Cultivation! Growing citrus trees this far north is kind of nuts, it's true, but I promise you it is not even close to the weirdest things people have done to grow citrus in places where the citrus doesn't think it should grow.

A note: This post will written using the Swingle citrus taxonomy system, including things that are definitely wrong. The citrus taxonomic tree looks like that one box of orphaned computer cords I keep moving with me to new houses "in case I need them" except some sort of adorable five-dimensional kitten has entertained herself with them and some of the resulting knots are not technically possible in our space-time continuum. 

The powers that be gave us citrus because nothing pleases them like seeing a geneticist cry.

1. The Migrant Trees

The Soviet Union wanted lemons for tea, and they wanted to be independent enough not to have to trade with anyone else to get them, which meant they wanted to grow their own citrus. That part of the world is not a great place to grow plants that die when the temperature goes below zero, but at the foundation of the Soviet Union, there were citrus orchards in the warmest part of Georgia, along the Black Sea. Specifically, there was about, uh, one and a half square kilometers of somewhat implausible citrus orchard.

Hang on, it is about to get way less plausible.

This is the great citrus migration: any tree that did well in one spot, they'd try planting its seeds a few kilometres further north, or a few kilometres further east. Prizes were offered for breeding hardier citrus. Slowly the orchards spread, but they were extremely weird orchards.

It's usually a few degrees warmer at ground level than up in the air, and there's way less wind. So as the trees grew, they were bent over and tied along the ground. Some of them had the central trunk run in a straight line along the ground, with branches spreading out from it like the leaves of a fern, like an espaliered tree on its side. Others were starfish shaped, with the central trunk looped down until it ended up next to the base, and the branches sprawling out along the ground from the centre like starfish legs. The citrus trees were no taller than particularly vigorous strawberry plants, but they survived the winters, and you could throw a blanket over them to help them stay warm.

None of that helped if the ground froze solid, so they needed Underground Citrus. You'd dig a ditch, down below the lowest area where the ground froze, and you'd plant flat Starfish Trees or Flat Frond Trees running along the bottom of it, too deep to freeze. In winter, you'd just cover the ditch with boards any time the temperature was expected to go below freezing - citrus would tolerate the lack of light, but not the cold. Mandarins (Citrus reticulata) seemed to do best, so that’s most of what was grown.

It is a nearly unimaginable amount of work to grow citrus this way, along the bottoms of pits and trenches. We are experimentally trying to grow a Soviet-developed mandarin breed of unknown parentage, Shirokolistvennyi, but we will definitely not be putting in that level of effort.

2. The Mixed Up Trees

There are a couple species of citrus that tolerate cold well, but taste awful. A lot of effort has gone into crossbreeding them with more edible citrus. The results are ... mixed.

The Ichang Papeda (Citrus cavaleriei) generally survives temperatures down to -18 degrees C. It is stoic and calm and has mastered emptiness. Unfortunately, it has mastered emptiness too well. The fruit smells like lemons, with maybe a hint of rose, but there's nothing to eat here. It has a rind and seeds. No juice, no flesh.

(Photo by Michael Saalfield)

The Ichang Papeda is the parent or grandparent to several delicious, extremely sour Asian citrus types. Yuzu/yuja smells like grapefruit and clean wet stones from the bottom of a fast-flowing stream. Sudachi smells like grapefruit and leaves with dew on them. (I haven't met kabosu or any other papeda hybrids personally, but they are numerous.)  They're all too sour to eat plain, unless you really need to turn your face inside out for some reason, but make for excellent flavouring. 

(We have a yuzu tree and a sudachi tree and they're surviving, but no fruit yet.)

Trifoliate orange (Poncirus trifoliata) can survive temperatures down to -30 degrees C. This may be partly because, uniquely amoung citrus, they can drop leaves in autumn or winter and regrow them in spring, like a maple tree. They also produce an internal antifreeze. They are angry, twisted, thorny little plants that yell swears when you walk past them. They make a great hedge. The fruit is furry, smells like flowers and pine trees and taste like burnt, bitter plastic. It may or may not be possible to breed the horrible taste completely out of trifoliate oranges without losing cold-hardiness, if it's due to their antifreeze chemicals. Here’s Stabby:

(Photo by Rob Hille)

Even the least terrible trifoliate crossbreeds are bitter enough to qualify as “acquired tastes.” There are recipes for trifoliate marmalade: put a dozen trifoliate oranges, a kilogram of sugar, and a kilogram of pebbles in a pot, cook until it gels, then sieve out the oranges and eat the pebbles. 

We are growing a trifoliate orange / minneola orange hybrid. And, of course, someday our own trifoliate hybrids. The Blue Haired Girlfriend planted 200 trifoliate oranges a couple years ago. There are fewer now, but the survivors have lived through two winters of snow and frost, and they might have somehow gotten more stabby. We're going to breed them, to each other or to less angry fruit, try and make something new and good from them.

I've limited this post to twentieth century hardy citrus breeding, but I have to give a shoutout to somatic hybridization, a decidedly twenty first century technique, where you take a cell from each of two different plants, remove their cell walls, put them next to eachother, and shock them with electricity until they merge into a single cell whose nucleus contains all genes from both plants. Then the new plant is like, "Wow, I guess these are all my genes? It seems like a lot, haha, but it's not like somebody made me from dismembered body parts and electricity, that is not how science works. Anyway I guess it's time to do some plant stuff now."

3. The Mutant Trees

In the 1950s, people started using radiation to randomly scramble the genes of plants. You'd irradiate seeds enough to change the genes somehow, and then you'd have to plant them to see what had happened. Maybe it was people horrified by the atomic bomb desperately wanting to find some life-supporting use for atomic fission, maybe it was government-supported cold war "atom bombs are good actually, look how many we have, USSR" propaganda. Probably both. 

This time period also saw serious plans for Orion, a spaceship with a huge metal plate for a butt, intended to be propelled by exploding atomic bombs under it, which I am not actually making up.

Thousands of people in Europe and the US signed up to receive seeds with random mutations in the mail, plant them, and report back on what they heck they grew into and if it had any useful weirdness. (The gamma radiation used to mutate the seeds did not make them radioactive themselves - the seeds were completely safe.) There were also more formal and carefully controlled university research programs in China, Japan, and the US, where plants where grown in a circular research garden with a coverable radiation source at the centre, so that the farther you got from the centre, the less radiation the plants got. Radiation breeding is less popular than it used to be, but Japan still has a very productive citrus radiation breeding program.

The most popular radiation-bred citrus is the "Rio Red" grapefruit and its offspring, which has a much deeper red than non-mutant red grapefruit.

There aren't many radiation-developed citrus breeds noted for cold-hardiness - with radiation you get whatever you get  - but there are a few, and I want one just because I think they're neat, a monument to that lovely human vision that looks at terrible weapons and somehow sees glossy-leaved trees with bright fruit.

4. The Monster Trees

Citrus are usually grown via grafting. That is, you plant a seed from a fast-growing sturdy breed, you let it grow roots and all that, and then you cut the top off and replace it with a branch from a more delicious breed. The two citruses grow together, and you end up with a tree that's disease and cold resistant in the roots, below the graft, but makes tasty fruit above the graft.

Occasionally, this process goes Wrong. 

The first recorded instance is the tree called Bizarria, discovered in 1640. Someone attempted to graft a sour orange branch onto a citron. But instead of a clean line between sour orange branches and citron roots, the graft was damaged somehow, and the two different species of cells got tangled and mixed through the whole tree. It has branches that produce citron fruit. It has branches that produce sour orange fruit. And it has branches that produce, uh ... these:

(Photo by Labrina)

Most graft chimeras are made accidentally, when the graft site is damaged. Trifoliate orange is often used as rootstock, so there are many reported chimeras involving trifoliate orange and a nicer fruit. The mixed-up cells can be arranged a lot of ways, but it's possible to have the outside layer of the tree be trifoliate orange, and the core of the tree be the other citrus (periclinal chimera). This means you could theoretically get a tree with frostproof trifoliate leaves and branches, but fruit that doesn’t taste like burnt plastic rolled in quinine.

This lucky monstrosity has, in fact, reportedly happened. Twice. There is the Prague Citsuma, discovered in a greenhouse in Prague and suspected to have been created by a Soviet breeding program. And then there is the Hormish, discovered in China and thought to have been made by frostbite messing up the clean lines of the graft. The Blue Haired Girlfriend has managed to track down budwood from the Prague Citsuma - I’m so excited! - so we'll see how the fierce thorny monster tree with a heart of gold, or at least heartwood of gold, does for us.

5. Conclusion

Humans have been trying to grow citrus trees where they don't belong for nearly two thousand years, at least since the Jewish Diaspora and people trying to grow holy etrog trees - trunks gnarled as barnacle stones and the whole tree scented like the best dream you can't remember - in Europe. Maybe longer.

The Blue Haired Girlfriend's citrus-breeding schemes aren't going to singlehandedly transform Canada into a net citrus exporter. But history shows us: it might be possible to have a little gleaming sweetness from the stony ground here, with the ravens and the fir trees and the auroras. A sweetness we made ourselves, that exists nowhere else. 

Or maybe we'll just have a bunch of weird inedible fruit. I don't know, but it's worth finding out, worth weaving together leaf and thorn and stone and the light of our hands as the years unwind. Worth it to have a quixotic project we can expect to spend decades on together, hands and hearts. This is how home is made, sometimes, with a balcony full of angry thorny little trees that shout swears at passerby.

Scent ⁘ Kakashi Hatake x f!reader ⁘ NSFW

( Source )

Got another one for y'all for my husband's birthday...💙👑💍

MINORS 👏🏼 DO 👏🏼 NOT 👏🏼 INTERACT 👏🏼

A/N: Kakashi's sensitive sense of smell and your arousal. This is some raw, primal, feral, filthy Kakashi. If you're looking for soft, sweet, sensitive Kakashi, keep scrolling please, negl.

Warnings: scent kink, drunk sex, lots of sexual bodily fluids (m & f), face fucking, slight dubcon, squirting, facial

Word Count: 1.8k

Asuma and Kurenai are hosting one of their infamous dinner parties at their home. These things always end up the same way. Lots of friends come over, eat, then proceed to drink bottle after bottle of sake while playing drinking games until the music starts blasting and everyone loses several brain cells and have a great time making complete fools of themselves. They truly are the absolute best parties.

Kakashi doesn't frequent these parties, but you do seeing as how Kurenai is your sister from another mister. She knows about your long-time crush on Kakashi and winks at you when she sees the two of you hanging out together, talking, laughing.

His fingers brush across your arms or back every chance they can. You know exactly what you're doing when you lean forward with your arm crossed under your bosom. And Kakashi knows exactly what you're doing too. Sure enough, you're getting turned on just by talking to him and exchanging flirty looks, words, and touches.

You excuse yourself to go to the restroom, adding a little extra sway to your hips knowing he's watching you walk away. It's not the first time he has smelled the scent of your arousal, but his inhibitions have been doused in alcohol and he decides to make his move.

When you open the door to leave the bathroom, Kakashi just so happens to be waiting on the other side. You smile and twirl your hair, feeling yourself getting wetter. Your inhibitions are down as well, the alcohol giving you the courage to taunt him a little.

"Wow Kakashi, if I didn't know better I'd think that you followed me back here". He closes his eyes and takes a couple of deep breaths through his nose. "Kakashi, are you okay?"

He opens his eyes, his pupils blown wide, and stalks closer to you. You step backwards into the bathroom and he closes the door behind you.

"I can smell you".

"Oh?" You remember his ultra-sensitive sense of smell and begin to panic a little. Oh god, do I smell bad?

He takes another intentional whiff of you, your scent now more concentrated due to proximity and close quarters, never mind the fact that you're steadily getting more and more turned on by him.

"Mm...you smell..." He takes another deep breath. "...amazing".

"Really? I'm not wearing perfume or anything-"

"It's not that. Better than that. It's your scent".

"W-what do you mean?"

You watch as his lusty gaze dips from your eyes to your center. "I can smell your arousal".

Your mouth opens and you take a step back. "Y-you can?"

The edge of the double vanity is now directly behind you, so when he pushes himself against you, there's nowhere else to go. You're surprised to feel him so hard already, looking down to see the material of his pants being pushed out by his erection. Hell, you can even see the outline of the head of his cock, his bigger than average size making itself apparent.

"What are you gonna do, Kakashi?"

He smooths his hands along your thighs and hips, pushing your short skirt up before picking you up and setting you on the edge of the counter. The cool granite contrasts with your bare heat since you're not wearing any panties. The excitement, the fear, and the need for him all mix together in an exhilarating juxtaposition of desire. You hadn't been expecting this at all, but you don't want him to stop. Now that it's happening you're too curious to see what he's going to do next. How far will he go?

He brushes his thumb across your bottom lip, and you open your mouth to suck it in. You close your eyes and swirl your tongue around his digit before he pulls it out slowly and places it against your weeping slit, dragging it back and forth over your clit, pulling a moan from your parted lips. He looks you dead in the eye, pulls his mask down, and it's his turn to bring his thumb to his lips, swirling his tongue around it before sucking on it. "Mm fuck, you taste good too".

God, he's beautiful. Your gaze dips from his slate grey and red eyes down to his pretty lips, which are punctuated by a soft beauty mark just below the left corner of his mouth. You wouldn't have thought it possible, but now you want him more than ever. You squirm against the counter, smearing your slick on it as you seek relief from the hard surface pressing against your opening. At the same time, Kakashi's been grinding his cock against the cabinet below, seeking some relief of his own.

He pulls his shirt over his head before reaching down to unbuckle his belt. He unbuttons and unzips his pants before pushing the waistband of his boxer briefs down enough for his large cock to spring free, slapping the skin just below his navel, leaving a string of precum in its wake along his silver happy trail.

He breathes in deeply again, the combination of your scent and flavor making him crazy. He pulls you to the edge of the counter until you think you might fall off, but he catches you. He pushes his thick cock against your wet little cunt, pushing himself inside of you inch by delectable inch until he is fully sheathed within you.

He holds himself there as a long, throaty moan escapes your open lips, your walls already clenching down around him. You arch your back, jutting your tits out as Kakashi pulls the tiny straps of your camisole off your shoulders. He pushes the fabric down until it's bunched up around your waist along with your skirt, your tits now free to be licked and sucked on by his hot mouth with his cock still buried deep inside of you. You push your fingers into his thick hair to pull him closer and throw your head back when he flicks his tongue over one of your hard, wet nipples.

"Hold on to me", he says in his low silky voice. You obey, clutching his shoulders as he hooks his arms behind your knees. He pulls you off the counter and begins gliding his slick cock in and out of you, using the momentum of his hips and the bounce of your ass to boost the impact of his thrusts.

"Oh god, Kakashi...your dick..."

"Yeah, what about it?", he asks before licking your exposed throat.

"Nnnhhh feels so good, gonna make me cum already. So soon!"

He can indeed feel your walls closing in tighter around him as he pumps his hips even faster, digging his fingertips deep enough into your butt cheeks to leave bruises. You adjust your hold on him, wrapping your arms around the back of his neck to keep from slipping as if he wouldn't catch you anyway.

"Yeah? 'S that right? You gonna cum all over my cock?" He breathes right up against your ear.

Your pussy clenches tighter at his words. You want him to fuck you harder and you tell him as much. He's now slamming his cock into you, his breath quickening.

"Mmhmmm gonna cream all over your fat cock, 'kashi!"

Your scent becomes more and more intoxicating to him the closer you approach orgasm. His legs start to shake, but the adrenaline and testosterone coursing through his body ensure that he's able to keep pistoning his cock in and out of you at speed.

"Ahh fuck, your pussy smells so fucking good. Can't wait to taste it after you cream all over me".

Hearing those words in his deep voice does you in. Every muscle in your body seizes up as you cry out. "Ka-ka-shiiiii!"

He pushes you up against a wall and pounds into you mercilessly, your back pitching up and down the wall with every powerful rut of his hips.

"Cum for me, (y/n)! Yeah, cum all over this fucking cock, right fucking now!"

"Hahhhh that's it, 'kashi! Yeah, slam your cock into my sweet little pussy hahhh! Cumming...cumming...FUCK!"

You explode all around him, spraying your liquid everywhere.

His eyes widen when you squirt all around him and he loses all composure, bucking his hips wildly. "Oh fucking shit! Fucking yes! Oh fuck that pretty cunt of yours is coming apart around my fat cock...oh god, (y/n), I'm gonna fill you up with my fucking nut! Shit, here I cum! Here I fucking cum!"

He's still reaming you with his meaty cock when his seed starts dripping out from your opening, too much of it to hold inside. He sets you back down on the counter and you fall back, unable to even hold yourself up, while he dives face first into your cunt. He wants it all. Your cream mixed with his cum. God it is so fucking hot his dick doesn't even get soft. He wears you out with his mouth until you're ready to cum again, squirting all over his face.

Your body goes limp on the granite, every muscle including the ones in your eyelids completely spent. You can feel him pull your bottom back down to the edge of the counter before burying his hard cock deep inside you again, thrusting with wild abandon, using your body like a fuck doll as your eyes roll back in your head. You're all but unconscious as he pounds into you, wet skin clapping hard against wet skin. Pretty soon he's on edge again.

"Oh fuck, I'm gonna fill you up with my cum again, (y/n)".

He looks down to see your body moving in time with his thrusts, tits bouncing, body sliding up and down over the now slippery surface. Kakashi is fucking you raw in a pool of your slick and his semen.

"Ahh come here, I wanna cum all over your face".

He pulls you down, catching you just before your knees hit the hard tile. He stuffs his cock in your mouth and fucks your face while you try to push back on his trembling thighs. But it's no match for his strength as he uses your hair to guide your mouth along his cock. You gag and choke, saliva pouring out of your mouth, but that only seems to egg him on more.

"Oh fuck yeah, fuck yeah! You look so pretty when I fuck your face like this. Shit!"

He continues throwing his hips forward as his balls tighten up so much they're not even hanging anymore.

"Ah fuck, (y/n), I'm gonna cum so fuckin' hard! Gonna cover your face with my seed, yeah! Fuck, here it comes!"

He keeps a fist in your hair when he pulls out of your throat. You choke and spit and fight for air while his hot sticky semen splashes across your face with every jerk of his fist. You stick your tongue out, licking him from your lips.

"Yeah, that's right baby, eat my fucking cum," Kakashi says, using the head of his softening cock to spread his cum into your open mouth.

He draws a hot bath before stripping you down, helping you into the soothing warm water. You watch as he takes the rest of his clothes off, slipping in behind you. He washes your body, then his own before holding you back against his front, slowly stroking your hair. Comforting you. Kissing you. Caring for you.