#and six HAS c-ptsd he GETS it. and he's there to hold me when my nightmares make me fall apart. he's my rock
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Hawaii getaway part 2 - Jake ‘Hangman’ Seresin.
Prompt: the vacations take an unexpected turn after Jake’s declaration. But the nightmares continue and Phoenix is there to listen.
Words: ~2.9k
Warning: nightmares, ptsd, trauma, mention of death, mention of suicide, bad notions of aviations, fluff, soft!Jake, Rooster and Phoenix being in love with each other.
Note: this is for @bbooks-and-teas since you asked so nicely, I hope you like it I did my best 🤍 Highly unedited, English is not my first language. Sorry for the easy vocabulary and bad grammar. Please do not republish, translate or do whatever to my work.
Y/C/S: your Callsign
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“Morning aviators, this is your captain speaking. Today, as briefed, we will train for complex flight manoeuvers. Things you need to know for your upcoming mission. Y/C/S, Phoenix, Bob, you will have to complete this maneuver in the required hard deck of six hundred feet. This is complex, I know, but let me remind you that you are part of the one percent of naval aviators that made it to Top Gun, and you have been called back because you are the best that came out of it. Fight’s on.” Maverick said.
“Let’s do it Y/C/S, you ready?” Phoenix said to you. You breathed deeply and replied. “I’m ready, Phoenix. Let’s do this.” You put both your planes into position and started the manoeuver. A 600 feet hard deck was new to you for this. Even though you’ve already done this one time before, the hard deck stood at 5000 feet and you weren’t training for a life or death mission. This time was different.
“Phoenix I have a problem with my engine I need to stop. Extinguishing left engine.” “Y/C/S we’re too low, you need to climb up you’re gonna crash.” Bob replied. “Shit it’s not working! Jesus bird strike! Bird strike!” You took the bird strike head on and your plane made a descent on the mountains in front of you. “Shit shit shit!” You started panicking, knowing the outcome if you didn’t manage to restart your engine.
The moutain in front was approaching dangerously and you would not have time to eject if you tried to save your plane. It was a 50-50 chance of you dying in the next thirty second but you took it. “Y/C/S you need to eject you’re on fire! You’re too low, you can’t save it!” “Extinguishing left engine. Climbing up.” You said. “Left engine extinguished. Restarting left engine.”
When you finally took hold of your plane you allowed yourself to let out the breath you didn’t know you were holding. Slowly realizing what could have happened thirty seconds ago. Your plane almost crashed with you in it, unable to punch out in time. “Y/C/S are you alright?” Maverick asked. “I’m alright Maverick.” “Alright, fight over for you, get back to base to get your jet checked and head to the hospital for a check out.” “I’m fine, I don’t need a check out. I’ll see you back on base.” You replied as you headed back to base.
“Well well well, what do we have here? Turns out Y/C/S can’t do basic manoeuvers?” You sighed as Hangman approached you while you climbed out your jet. “You know this was the easiest maneuver Maverick has to teach us this week right? How are you gonna survive on friday?” He laughed as you sighed. “Fuck you Hangman you don’t know shit about me.” “I know that you can’t fly like we all do and that you almost died today. What else is there to know?”
Tears welled up your eyes as you took off your helmet and ran towards the hangars. “Tough luck Princess, guess you’re not cut out for this mission after all!” He shouted after you.
As you kept on running to your shared dorm with Phoenix the tears kept on falling down your cheeks.
Phoenix found you ten minutes later, sat on the floor, hugging your knees and unable to stop crying.
“What happened, Y/C/S?” “Hangman.” You muttered between two sobs. “What did he say this time?” Phoenix was used to Hangman being mean to everybody but especially you. God knows why. “He said I wasn’t cut out for this and he just reminded me that I almost died up there. I wish I did. It would've been easier than listening to him say this shit to me all the time.”
“Hey hey hey, it’s alright, you’re not dead and you’re not dying anytime soon. You had an engine failure and a bird strike but you made a call to save your plane and you made it out alive. And you’re definitely cut for this as I don’t know if I would’ve been as brave as you not to punch out up there, especially with Bob in my backseat.”
“You have two lives in your hand up there. I only had mine, and trust me sometimes I wish I had died a long time ago not to endure anything like this again.” You replied. “What do you mean?” Phoenix asked as you sighed. “I wasn’t always a single seater Phe. I had a WSO some years ago on my backseat. He was my best friend and I lost him, pulling this exact same maneuver and that’s why I got scared at first. I put my mind to it and thought I could do it but that engine failure took me back to that time and I got scared. I didn’t punch out because I was brave Phe, I didn’t because I thought it was okay if I died today. I would just see him again.”
“You were in love with him weren’t you?” Tears came back flooding your cheeks as she took you in your arms. “We were together for two years before he died. He had just asked me to marry him Phe. And I killed him.” “No you didn’t Y/N. There was an issue and it just happened but it’s not your fault at all you hear me?” You didn’t reply but let out a loud sob as she held you tighter in her arms.
“Hangman doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He’s just an asshole and if he ever makes a comment about you again I swear I’ll punch him in the throat for you.” You chuckled at Phoenix’s words.”Thank you Tasha.” “I’ve got you Y/N.”
–
You woke up in a cold sweat reliving your near-death experience from the past week. Your phone indicated four in the morning. You’ve had two hours of sleep before the nightmares started again. Two hours since Jake took you in his arms and confessed his love to you and yet the nightmares didn’t stop.
You got up silently, trying not to wake up Jake and went to the kitchen to get some water.
“Can’t sleep either?” You heard the familiar voice of Phoenix whispering to you. “Nightmare about last week and our conversation after.” “Are you okay?” “I wish the nightmare would stop. But I feel like with what happened they have just gotten worse.” “I know what you mean, I have them sometimes. I dream about losing Bob the same way Maverick lost Goose… The same way you lost… him.” “PTSD really is a fucker.” You chuckled. “Tell me about it.”
You and Phoenix went to sit on the beach together to talk some more as you usually didn’t have time to really open up with anyone.
“So, is Jake still an ass?” “I put him back in his place, he hasn’t really bothered me after we came back last night.” “Good, are you gonna tell him you like him?” You chuckled. “No I won’t because I don’t, Tasha.” “My ass.” She replied. “Although he told me something really interesting last night.” “Yeah? What is it?”
“Rooster has been in love with you since Top Gun.” “What?” She chuckled. “Yeah apparently he told Jake about it but he doesn’t want to tell you because, exactly like you, he thinks you won’t return the feelings.” “Jesus, we’ve wasted so much time.” She shakes her head at the thought.
“Yeah you did, you should just go up and kiss him and tell him you’re desperately in love with him.” “He’s sleeping right now.” “Yeah we heard you two go at it.” You laughed. “Oh shut up, he’s great in bed. The best I’ve ever had if you want to know.” “No thank you.” You grimaced and she laughed.
You didn’t want to tell her the truth about what happened with Jake hours before, just in case he wasn’t serious about it. You wanted to keep this a secret if he was going to break your heart in the morning. Moving on from your fiancé was tough at first. Recovering from losing someone is hard when you’ve been harboring as much feelings for the person. He was it for you but what you felt was an error on your part shattered your dreams of ever being truly happy again.
With the years you understood that none of what happened was your fault in reality. A faulty canopy was truly what caused his death but you blamed yourself nonetheless. It took time to recover and open your heart again but you kept on being cautious about whom you let in as you didn’t want to suffer anymore.
But you let Jake in, even though he was obnoxious and mean towards you in the beginning. You realized that he truly cared for you and that he was mostly joking whenever he said things to you. He was in fact capable of opening up and expressing his feelings to someone without the usual level of sarcasm he usually harbored.
You held onto Natasha’s bicep as you leaned in to rest your head on her shoulder and she rested hers on yours. “I’ll always be there for you Y/N, don’t forget that. And don’t let anyone, especially Hangman, tell you you’re not good enough. Understood?” You chuckled. “Understood.” You stayed like that for an hour before you went back to your rooms.
As you entered your room silently you saw Jake lying on his side, facing your side of the bed. He looked so peaceful you couldn’t help but smile softly at the sight. You went to lie down next to him facing him. “Where were you?” He whispered. “I had a nightmare, I went to get a glass of water.” You whispered back. “Oh, come here baby.” He said as he put his arm on your waist and pulled you closer to him. “You should’ve woken me up.” “It wasn’t necessary I saw Natasha we talked downstairs I’m okay really. Get back to sleep Jake.” “Alright turn around.” He whispered and you did as he pulled you closer to him to spoon you. He pressed a light kiss to the back of your head and bid you goodnight before you both fell asleep again. This time, without nightmares.
–
“Hey you.” You heard Jake say the next morning as you stirred awake next to him. You smiled. “Hi.” You said, eyes still closed because of the sun you could feel on your back. “Any other nightmares?” “No, I slept like a baby.” “Good, me too. Having you in my arms seems to keep them away.” You smiled softly. “Lucky you.” “Yours are gonna go away too babe.” You opened your eyes at the nickname he gave you.
“Jake?” “Yeah?” “I uh- What do you want us to be exactly?” You asked cautiously. “I mean I like you that’s for a fact, I’d like to take you on a date if that’s okay with you?” You smiled. “That’s okay with me.” “Great, can I kiss you again?” You nodded as Jake put his lips on yours in a tender kiss.
“Jake?” “Uhm?” “Can we keep this between us for now?” “If you want, baby.” He smiled. “Want breakfast? I can smell the pancakes already.” “Sure.” You chuckled.
You both got up and put clothes on before going to the kitchen to meet the others.
“Hello everybody.” You said to Phoenix, Rooster and Coyote. The others were apparently still sleeping. “Sleep okay?” Rooster asked. “Pretty much.” You replied, shooting a smile at Phoenix who smiled back at you.
“Today we thought we could go surfing.” Coyote said to you and Jake. “Sounds good.” He replied. “I’ll go wake the sleeping beauties.” You said.
After everyone was awake you picked up your surfboards and went to the beach. “I haven’t done this in a long time.” Fanboy says. “It’s like riding a bike, you can never forget it.” Roster replied as you all entered the ocean.
You fell quite a few times yourself but the day was spent in good humor for all of you.
You watched as Rooster picked up Phoenix from the water after she fell down her board. “Careful Nix. Don’t want you all bruised for tonight.” He winked and she chuckled at his innuendo. “Take me on a date first, yeah?” His cheeks turned pink as he looked at her. “Alright, tonight, you and me, it’s a date.” He said to her. She blushed and nodded her head before looking at you discreetly and smiling brightly. You gave her a thumbs up along with an ear-to-ear smile.
You were sat down on your board smiling like a child looking at how happy Phoenix was before Jake paddled up to you. “What do you say I take you out on a date tonight too?” He whispered, not wanting to be heard by the others. You blushed and nodded at the question just like Phoenix did.
—
Leaving the others in the water you went back to the house to get ready, followed by Jake not long after. You went early, not wanting to be questioned by the others about why you were leaving together as you supposedly couldn’t stand each other.
You put on a sundress and your favorite open heels and Jake wore jeans and a loose shirt to go with it. He was as handsome as ever. You smiled softly at the sight of him before he took your hand and led you out of the house.
“You look wonderful baby.” “You do too Jake.”
Jake took you to a nice restaurant not far from your house. “Jake there’s something you should know about me that I didn’t tell you about last night.” “Okay, what is it?” “I told you that I lost my WSO right?” He nodded. “We were training, doing the exact same stunt we did last monday when I…” He put his hand on yours. “It’s okay, you don’t have to say it.”
“We had an engine failure and we had to eject, just like I did last monday. I opened the canopy but his seat went up too soon and his head hit the canopy. He died on the spot.” You took a deep breath. “He um- He was my fiancé.” Jake’s expression saddened at the thought of him losing someone like that, especially if that someone was his fiancée.
“We were together two years and he proposed not long before and I killed him.” A single tear rolled down your cheek. “I never wanted him to be in my plane in the first place because I knew his life was in my hands and I knew I wouldn’t handle it if something was to happen to him but he convinced me and there we are now.” You took a breath. “I never wanted to fly a double-seater after that. I never wanted to have the responsibility of anyone’s life but my own. That’s why I pulled that stunt last week when I almost crashed. I thought that it was okay if I didn’t make it because I was the only one in the plane anyway.”
“Y/N I’m so sorry I didn’t know.” “It’s alright, it was a long time ago.” “You’re not alone anymore. We’re all here and so am I if you’ll have me.” He said softly. “If you don’t break my heart I won’t break yours.” “You almost broke mine last week.” He replied. “How?” You furrowed your brows.
“You almost crashed into a mountain after Maverick, Phoenix and Bob repeatedly told you to eject.” He simply said. “And that broke your heart?” “Yes because if you had died back then I would never have been able to tell you how I feel.” You blushed. “I promise I will take your heart into consideration next time I almost die.” “Please don’t say that.” He chuckled sadly as you gave him a soft smile.
The evening came to an end as you made sure to come back after dark in order to avoid questions from the remaining members of the dagger squad that would be left awake when you arrived.
You went up to your room and changed clothes before going to bed, Jake holding you in his arms.
—
As the night went on you found yourself unable to fall asleep so you went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. “This is going to be our secret meeting if we keep going like this.” Phoenix whispered to you. You chuckled lightly. “Wanna go sit down on the beach again?” You ask as she nods her head.
“How was your date with Rooster?” “Amazing, we went out to eat and then we took a walk on the beach and he told me he loved me.” “I’m so happy for you Phe.” She smiled.
“How was yours with Jake?” You chuckled. You knew everyone would suspect you not being here so you were ready for the questions. “It was great.” “Did he tell you he loved you?” “We’re not there yet, he told me he liked me.” “Did you kiss?” “Yes.” You smiled as you put your head on her shoulder and she put her head on yours just like the night before.
“There you are.” You heard Rooster’s voice from behind you. You both turned your head to notice Jake and Bradley coming up to you. Jake sat down next to you and Bradley sat down next to Phoenix. Natasha put her head on Bradley’s shoulder with a soft smile.
You put your head on Jake’s shoulder as he gently caressed your back. The four of you contemplating the moon above the ocean.
#jake seresin#hangman#rooster#bradley bradshaw#top gun#imagine#bob#robert floyd#fluff#angst#sad#jake hangman seresin x reader#jake seresin x you#jake seresin x reader#jake hangman seresin#Jake hangman seresin x you#hangman x you#hangman x reader#rooster x phoenix#natasha phoenix trace#natasha trace#phoenix#phoenix trace#bradley rooster bradshaw#rooster bradshaw#Bradley bradshaw x natasha trace#robert bob floyd#callsignmercy#Callsign mercy
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Sierra Six canonically has c-ptsd and has a scene in the movie where he's triggered and having a flashback. The first time I saw that, I had to pause and process it... not only did I immediately feel safe when I saw him on screen for the first time, because he's such a protective person and his main weakness is his loyalty and devotion to his loved ones, but ALSO it comforts me knowing that he'd be so patient and understanding with me when I'm having my own flashbacks or panic attacks from my own abuse. He became a strong comfort character in less than 40 minutes, possibly a new record, I wasn't even done with the movie yet.
I literally paused the movie my first time watching it and NEEDED to write a self ship fic w/ him asap because I was so overwhelmed with how I just... I knew, I knew he would comfort me if I needed it. I knew he'd be here for me. I'm so certain of it. I wrote 30 pages in just a couple of hours and it was also the first time I wrote anything in over a year.
I still jolt awake from nightmares and I barely get 3 hours of sleep every night, sometimes no sleep at all. Insomnia is a part of ptsd and my sleep schedule was already a wreck before I had to deal w/ my abuser. And it feels SO comforting to know that when I wake up gasping, sweating, crying, Six is bursting through the door (or if he's asleep in the same room with me, he's immediately alert and scrambling to my side) and he's scooping me into his arms and he's immediately saying it's okay, it's okay. Keri, you're safe. I'm right here. His hands are scarred and calloused from years of fighting, but they're as gentle as his voice when he's holding me. His gaze is soft. He knows exactly how this feels. He knows grounding techniques. He guides me through breathing exercises. He has been through this same hell for decades. He knows. He gets it. He protects me when I'm awake and when I'm dreaming. I could not possibly be anywhere safer than in his arms
#and my fear with my TF F/Os since theyre a trigger and my abuser was always saying how abusive they'd be#is that any F/O of mine would easily be manipulated by my abuser into betraying me bc its what she wanted#but with Six? impossible. perish the thought.#he's trained to know signs of manipulation/red flags#he would not be manipulated into betraying me or hurting me#he would not allow others to do the same#and he has this... strict idk what to call it... internal code#in the books he says there are ppl who rly deserve to be executed especially when they're abusers#he killed his own father for torturing him and his brother#and i know if he ever crossed paths with my abuser. no chance. it's on sight.#i never have to worry about this F/O ever hurting me bc he is written to be the most protective and loyal motherfucker#he sees how im broken and i cry abt how im not myself anymore#and he gets it and he holds me and he says one day i will be#one day this will feel so far away from me and ill breathe again#but in the meantime he's here. he's holding my hand and i know as long as i keep thinking of him. im gonna be ok.#woof#abuse mention#love notes#💕♡☆ I'll always protect you ☆🖤🎆
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Character board + headcanon post 1- Elliot
-builds the most intricate shit with legos immediately drops it from the top of the fridge to hear the noise
-got really into astrology and believes in it with his entire heart
-on the weekends when Leo steals Dylans room to play games with Jaxon, Dylan stays in Elliot's room. Neither of them sleep
-wins clue every single time and no one knows how (he cheats)
-his solution when people come to him with a problem is always "fake my death" even if it has nothing to do with him
-definitely the kid who watched YouTube kids and tried to make a potion out of water and salt to make himself a mermaid or something
-really likes tangled
-tries to stick things into his eyes (the empty one and the one with the eye in it. it freaks the hell out of everyone)
-someone has to hold his hand when walking outside. He WILL get distracted and he WILL get hit by a truck
-hates getting his hair cut. Jaxon is the only one allowed to do anything to it
-his stuffed rabbit used to be Leo's. He never named it
-he likes horror movies but the others dont let him watch them. He watches monster high. He's only ten so it's the closest he can get
-the second shortest out of all the kids at 4'11
-special interest is astronomy
-autism, schizophrenia, C-PTSD, insomnia
-he wont touch food with his hands, and metal silverware is forbidden. Practically no longer used by any of the kids
-Leo is his favorite sibling but Dylan is his favorite out of the other kids
-sleepwalks and somehow ends up on top of the fridge or something. Once woke up with a rat in his pocket outside
-wont talk for six hours, and then will suddenly appear behind someone to say the most random shit and then will stop talking again
-he uses his magic to scare younger kids
-zero depth perception. hits his head on everything all the time
-briefly met Dylan when they were three and Elliot was two
-no one knows why he has blond hair while his siblings all have dark brown/black hair. It is genetically impossible. It freaks everyone out
-10 at beginning, 12 by the end
-broke ten stress balls while doing a normal not stressful activity
-a man of candy jewelry and chocolate bunnies
-lives for red velvet cake and orange juice
-soda is too spicy
-he thought the easter bunny was so cool right up until easter pictures
-probably listens to jack stauber
-An enjoyer of creepypasta and five nights at freddy's. Gives himself a big paranoid on purpose
-Dylan asks "would you still love me if I was a worm" and Elliot says that if they were a worm he would put them in a jar full of dirt and tap the glass a lot
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hi!! i recently got into johnlock and the universe has somehow directed me to your blog (which is an absolute godsend omfg). have you got any good possessive!john fics?
Hi Lovely!!!
AHHHH!! I’m so glad you enjoy my blog!!! <3 Thank you so much! <3
AHHH you know what??? I don’t get asked this all that much at all! I think mostly because it’s easier to find Possessive Sherlock fics and people then just... forget LOL
So guess what?? You’re the prompter for any fics I actually tagged or filed with Possessive John! <3 A pioneer you are! LOL I’m combining it with a few of the Obsessive fics as well, since I don’t have many new ones.
As usual, gang, feel free to add your own!! <3
POSSESSIVE / OBSESSIVE JOHN
See also:
Specifically Jealous John b/c of Other People
Jealous John
Jealous John Pt. 2 and Jealous Sherlock Pt 2
Jealous John Pt 3 and Jealous Sherlock Pt 3
Jealous John and Sherlock Pt. 4
Jealous John and Sherlock Pt. 5
Hell or High water by bluefire301175 (E, 2,250 w., 1 Ch. || PWP, Frottage, Alley Sex, First Person POV John, Case-ish Fic, Mutual Pining, Bed Sharing) – John wants. Sherlock wants. Plain and simple.
Display by 221b_hound (E, 2,377 w., 1 Ch. || Post-HLV, Tattoos, Public Hand Jobs, Exhibitionism, Possessive Sex, Possessive Sherlock, Possessive John) – A new client has been flirting with Sherlock and, finding no joy there, with John. John seems annoyed to be second-best, Sherlock thinks, so Sherlock decides to give the departing woman (and maybe also John) a demonstration of who, exactly, John belongs to. But there's more than one level of sexual jealousy and more than one display of possession going on here, outlined in the window of 221b Baker Street. Part 2 of Lock and Key
Apodyopsis by QuinnAnderson (E, 3,347 w.,1 Ch. || PWP, Rough Sex, Table Sex, Anal, Sexual Tension) – Apodyopsis: (æpəʊdaɪˈɒpsɪs) noun. the act of mentally undressing someone. Part 2 of Undressed
Overture by Kate_Lear (M, 4,435 w., 1 Ch. || First Kiss / Time, Friends to Lovers, Angry John, Introspection, Dev. Rel., Embarrassed / Insecure Sherlock, Morning After, Bed Sharing, Cuddles / Limpet Sherlock) – A short snippet on how John and Sherlock might have got together.
Sherlock and John Go Clubbing by wendymarlowe (E, 4,716 w., 3 Ch. || Clubbing, Dirty Talk, Dancing, Coming Untouched, Coming in Pants, Bi John, For a Case, Friends to Lovers, Flirting, Sherlock is Lost for Words, Sexy John, Mutual Pining, Possessive John, Floor Sex/Hand Job/Frottage) – John pinched the bridge of his nose - even for Sherlock, this was a new level of no bloody boundaries. “You want me to go with you to a gay club, wait around twiddling my thumbs while I let you get pawed by a criminal, then out-flirt him and talk you into coming home with me instead?” Part 32 of John and Sherlock's Kinky First Times
Caves in the Mountains Are Seldom Unoccupied by starrysummernights & TheMadKatter13 (E, 7,925 w., 1 Ch. || Were-Creatures || Werebear John, Pseudo Bestiality, Rimming, Heavy Dub Con, Rough Sex, Come Inflation / Eating, Size Kink, PWP, Bratty Sherlock, Rutting) – “This isn’t something to play at, Sherlock,” he snapped. “If it doesn’t work out- what you’re asking of me- we can’t shrug and say 'oh well, at least we tried'. If we do this… I could seriously hurt you. Do you understand? I could lose control. I could… I could kill you.”
My Life for His by QuinnAnderson (E, 8,816 w., 1 Ch. || Guardian/Protector, Greek Mythology || Growing Up, Sex, Religious Themes, Suicide, Minor Character Death) – It began when Sherlock was eight, and he attempted to climb all the way up to the highest branch in the old willow tree in his back garden. He'd thought he was still small enough that it could support him, but the second he'd grabbed hold of it to pull himself up, the branch snapped, and down he went, plummeting a solid twenty metres. The odd thing was, he never actually hit the ground.
Of Course I Forgive You by allonsys_girl (E, 10,735 w., 1 Ch. || Love Confessions, Canon Divergence, First Time, Frottage, Wall Sex, Infidelity) – What if things had gone differently on that train car?
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Out of the Woods by SilentAuror (E, 20,471 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Romance, Slow Burn, Flirting, Drunk Sex, Practical Jokes, POV Sherlock, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Pining Sherlock, Frustrated Wanking, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, First Kiss/Time, Virgin Sherlock, Love Confessions, Soft Sherlock, Dancing, Bum Appreciation, Hanging out with the Yard) – Sherlock is fairly certain that John has taken to flirting with him of late, but can't be entirely certain of it. At least, not until a case takes them into a forest, along with Lestrade's team and something happens that will change everything about their lives...
The Kepler Problem by kinklock (E, 24,270 w., 1 Ch. || Sci-Fi AU, Alien Sherlock, Space Repairman John, Alien Biology, Horny John) – Working in uncharted space exploration was not as exciting as John had hoped, especially when it turned out to be mostly bot maintenance on uninhabited planets. However, the mystery of the repeated, unexplained malfunctions on planet BAK 2212 might turn out to be exactly the kind of adventure he'd been craving.
Inscrutable to the Last by DiscordantWords (M, 48,842 w., 6 Ch. || Post-TRF, Alternate S3, John’s Blog/S3 is a Story By John, Divorce, Marital Difficulties, John is a Mess, Emotional Reunion, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Grief / Mourning, Pining John, First Kiss, Adorably Clueless Sherlock, Nostalgia, Love Confessions, Eventual Happy Ending, Obsessive John) – He wasn't Sherlock, he couldn't work miracles. All he'd ever been able to do was write about them.
The Hollow Woman by ScopesMonkey (M, 51,335 w., 22 Ch. || Post-TRF, Major Character Death, Mystery, Romance, Friendship, Family, Angst, Crime, Reunion, First Kiss / Time, Nightmares, Doctor John, Jealous Sherlock, Jealous John, BAMF John, Angry John, Dub-Con, Rough Sex, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Villain Mary, Open Ending) – Forced to return to London sooner than expected, Sherlock falls into a case too close to home. Part 1 of the Hollowverse series
Points by lifeonmars (E, 53,791 w., 42 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || HLV Rewrite / Canon Divergence, Married Life, Pregnancy / Baby Watson, Drinking to Cope, Boxing / Fisticuffs, Clueless John, Angst, Minor Medical Drama, Tattoos, Christmas, First Kiss/Time, Eventual Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Doctor John, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Case Fic, Drugging, Blow/Hand Job, Emotional Love Making, Parenthood, Passage of Time, Obsessive John) – What if His Last Vow never happened? This fic picks up a few months after John and Mary's wedding, in an alternate universe where Magnussen doesn't exist, but Mary is still pregnant. Life continues -- just in a different direction. And slowly, Sherlock and John find their way to each other.
The Bells of King's College by SilentAuror (E, 64,019 w., 5 Ch. || Post-S4, Missed Opportunities, Angst with Happy Ending, Fake Relationship, Case Fic, John POV, Jealous John, John in Denial, Travelling / Holidays, Virgin Sherlock, Wedding Proposals) – It's only been two weeks since Eurus Holmes disrupted their lives when Mycroft sends John and Sherlock to Cambridge to pose as an engaged couple at a wedding show in the hopes of solving six unsolved deaths...
Gimme Shelter by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (E, 159,368 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || 70′s Surfer AU || Period Typical Homophobia, Hawaii, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Professional Surfers, Gay John / Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, John was a Sailor, Misunderstandings) – All John Watson wants is the feeling of a freshly waxed surfboard under his feet and the hot California sun baking down onto his back. To finally go pro in the newly formed world of professional surfing and leave the dark memories of his past behind him as he rips across the face of a towering blue barrel. To lounge beside the beach bonfire every evening with an ice cold beer tucked into the cool sand beside him and listen to Pink Floyd and the Doors while the saltwater dries in his sun bleached hair. That's all he wants, that is, until the hot young phenom taking Oahu and the Hawaiian shores by storm steps up next to him in the sand in the second round of the 1976 International Surf Competition. (PUBLISHED AS ‘The Sea Ain’t Mine Alone’)
Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.
Free Falling by twistedthicket1 (M, 203,574 w., 38 Ch. || Guardian Angels AU || Guardian Angel John, Fluff and Angst, Humour, Kidlock / Teenlock, Light Mystrade, Passage of Time, Possessive John, Drug Use / Overdose, Victor Trevor, Graphic Bullying, Big Brother Mycroft, Hard Drug Use, Depression, Possessive Sherlock, Possessive John, Panic Attacks, Nightmares/PTSD, Pining, Healing Abilities, Kidnapping, Violence, Torture, Blow Jobs, Virgin John, Emotional Development / Attachment, Mortality, Happy Ending) – All Guardian angels are born with a Chosen human. When this child is born, the angel comes into being to protect and care for them during their life on Earth. For John Watson, all he cares about in the world revolves around his Chosen, Sherlock Holmes. Watching him grow up though, the angel soon learns that God must have had a sense of humour the day he decided to make Sherlock, as trouble seems to follow him like a magnet wherever he goes. John can't decide what's worse, the idea of losing his Chosen one, or the fact that he may be breaking the most taboo law of heaven as he disguises himself as a human to better protect and befriend the beloved detective he's always watched from afar. He was meant to care for him. But what happens when caring evolves into something more? What happens when an emotion an angel is supposed to be incapable of possessing comes to life suddenly and viciously inside John's chest?
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Red Strings of Fate - Chapter 3
Genre: Fantasy, Fluff, Angst, Slight Humor, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Au/Tropes: Supernatural AU, Demons AU, Monster AU
Pairing: No pairing, Eventual OT8
WC: 14.9K
Chapter Warnings: Symptoms of PTSD mentioned, Jealousy, Manipulation, Implied Smut (at the end but no graphic details)
Ao3 Link
Notes: As I said in the last chapter notes, we are back into Hongjoong’s pov and we are continuing from where we last left off. So please enjoy!
Taglist located at the bottom. Fill out this form if you want to be added.
Last Adventure☜︎☜︎ Next Adventure☞︎☞︎
Hongjoong eyes widened as he felt the other male bring his arms in front of him, stretching them both out in front of him.
He watched the prince’s hand touch the hilt of his sword and that’s when Hongjoong squirmed.
“ I asked a question. Your left hand or your right hand?” He drew his sword closer as he bent down.
“ Please! Don’t do this! I do anything else! Just don’t cut off either of my hands.” Hongjoong pleads, his heart beating fast and damn near in his throat. He hasn’t felt this type of fear since Liam and Elijah. His body started to feel numb as Seonghwa sat there as he decided which hand he wanted to cut.
Hongjoong squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to think of something other than the fact that he’ll be losing a hand. The advisor was holding his forearms firmly and out the way as his sword hovered before selecting his left hand.
Seonghwa nearly brought the sword down and through the flesh and bone of his wrist when he stopped. The faintness of aura seeped into the air and had his body hesitate. It was nothing great from the array of beings he dealt with before, but it’s more so the fact of that type of malicious aura coming from a human.
The prince used his free hand to lift Hongjoong’s chin, “ What are you?”
Hongjoong was confused as he looked up at is blue eyes, “ What?”
“ Don’t try to lie to me. I asked you what you are?” He watched his brows get furrow, clearly a tad annoyed from his first answer.
“ I’m a human.”
“ Don’t lie to me.” Seonghwa grit through his teeth as Hongjoong shook his head back and forth.
“ I swear! I’m just a human man who has human parents and average human strength. There is nothing else to me. A simple peasant boy and nothing more!” Hongjoong yelled at him, his voice firm as he felt his head get pushed down near the ground.
“ Watch your tone.” The man above him said as Hongjoong tried to shake his hand off of him.
Seonghwa had glanced at his advisor. Hongjoong watches them have a silent conversation through their eyes for a minute before Hongjoong gets pulled up off the ground and made to stand on his feet. The bag he stole snatched off his hip as he watched the prince hang it from his belt.
He walked past Hongjoong, and the shorter male watched him before he shoved him to follow. The brown-haired elf gave him a look when he turned around. Hongjoong huffed as he just followed him, knowing very well that he can’t outrun them again. His legs were still screaming at him due to their soreness.
Hongjoong walked through the less crowded area that he ran through just some moments ago. He looked around at the brick structures, covered with vines, a few flowers blooming that he didn’t notice before that he found pretty.
“Don’t even think about trying to escape from us again.” He heard the elf behind him say as he turned his head behind to look at him.
“ Can I have your name?” Hongjoong asked, and he can tell that he threw the wood elf off. His brows raised enough to give himself away.
“Why would you want to know?”
“Well, it’s annoying to try and talk to someone without addressing them with at least a name. I was raised better than that.” Hongjoong watched the man’s face before he slowly opened his mouth.
“It’s Yeosang.”
“Well, Yeosang, I would like to tell you that I have no plans to escape because my legs are still screaming at me even now as we walk, so no, I don’t plan on escaping,” Hongjoong spoke, watching him all the same as he noticed they made it back to the Main Street of where he first ran from them.
Hongjoong watched the prince head back to the stands, and when Hongjoong went to follow, his shoulder was gripped tightly and turned in the opposite direction.
“I thought we were following the prince,” Hongjoong asked as he forced him to go in the direction of a carriage, opening the door to move him inside. He watched the elf say something to the driver before getting in himself and shutting the door.
“ We will be staying here until the young prince comes back from finishing his errands he was supposed to do before you foolishly stole from him.” Yeosang spat out, obviously still passed that he had to bring him here.
“Again, I am sorry for what I did, but I truly needed the money.” Hongjoong watched as that only made the other man more upset.
“You don’t have to steal from people to gain money. There are always other options. It’s the lowest of lows to steal from others.” Yeosang criticized him, and it slowly started to make him irritated.
“You know I have been trying to get a regular job since I traveled here three years ago. I did everything I could for a job and was denied every second I tried. I was forced to be homeless for six months, and I still struggle to find a solid job, even after someone was kind enough to offer me a home. I wasn’t raised to steal by my parents, but when the people and the city are so unforgiving to me every chance they get, am I supposed to accept it?”
Yeosang wasn’t expecting him to speak to him like that, and he tried his best not to have that shred of pity for him show on his face, “ Everyone has a hard time at some point in their lives. You haven’t seen anyone steal here.”
Hongjoong scoffed, and it made Yeosang turn his attention back to him, “ Just because you don’t hear or see anything doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. I’ve seen plenty of them because we can all recognize each other.”
“It’s not that many of them. There’s always a group of bad people in a sea of good.” Yeosang rebuked, but Hongjoong was quick to respond.
“The line between good and evil and what is right and wrong can be blurred, and if you work in that damn castle, then you should know that very well. Not all the people who steal are bad because they have to choose to steal to make ends meet simply. If stealing were such an issue, there would have been reports about such, yet they never make a fuss because what’s pocket change to you is a fortune for us. Our values and lifestyles are the opposite of each other, so just because you can’t fathom the idea doesn’t mean you are right.”
Hongjoong didn’t care how reckless his tongue was. He wasn’t going to let some uppity wood elf, who only knows how to kiss the ass of the rich that has gold endlessly, fall into their hands. He can royally fuck off.
He saw it in his face.
He saw that he wanted to argue back with him, and he was ready for him to, but then the door of the carriage opened to reveal the prince holding a few things. He looked between the two of them with a raised brow.
“ Was there something that I missed?” He asked, looking at Yeosang, waiting for a response.
Yeosang gave him another look before turning back to the prince, “ Everything is fine. Do you need any help?”
Seonghwa nodded, passing the flowers and bags of fruit to Yeosang, telling the driver to head back to the castle before climbing inside next to Yeosang. Hongjoong felt the carriage move as he huffed.
He should have just listened to Eden. He told him not to get too greedy, or he would deal with the consequences.
But what else was he supposed to do?
Eden stuck his neck out to help him instead of living on the street for the rest of his life. Eden started by stealing until he could have enough to open his tavern. Since then, he had a simple life, and even when following the proper protocols, the city takes most of his earnings and barely has enough for his expenses.
He even makes sure to feed him and make sure that he’s well-nourished and is clean.
All he wanted to do was give the man that helped him start a new life after being forced to start over again, and he couldn’t even do that.
Hongjoong didn’t want to look sad in the carriage with the two elves, but the shift in his demeanor and facial expressions didn’t go unnoticed by the prince that stayed silent.
Seonghwa couldn’t wrap his head around what gave off that malevolent energy from the supposedly human male. It didn’t look like he could use magic, and he gives off no type of physical distinctions of being nonhuman. So what could it be?
He couldn’t help his c,urious nature about it. He hasn't come across someone like him, and he just had to figure it out for himself before he disposed of him.
The carriage stopped and Yeosang was quick to open the door for the prince and Hongjoong tried his hardest not to roll his eyes at his eagerness. The Prince stepped out first, and Hongjoong followed after Yeosang retrieved the purchases they made in town.
Hongjoong eyes scanned the massive structure in front of him, eyes glancing at the fountain in front of the building, slowly walking along the perimeter, mouth slightly agape.
He has always seen the manor from the tavern, and it was always quite beautiful from there, but seeing it in person was something different.
It was elegant and refined. It was truthfully exquisite, curious and Hongjoong found himself angry that he would have dreamed of something like this.
“If you're done daydreaming, follow me,” Yeosang said, making the smaller man turned to him. They both started to walk inside, and Hongjoong rushed to follow behind them, ignoring the side glances that the guards had given him.
The walls were massive, ceilings high with the sun gleaming on the stained glass from the colorful windows above them. Paintings of other high elves mounted on the wall that Hongjoong admired before he nearly bumped into the back of Yeosang.
He watched Seonghwa walk away down the hall, hair flowing behind him as Hongjoong found him watching the prince's body get smaller before he was plucked in the center of his forehead. Looking up, he saw the wood elf scowl at him.
“ Follow me, and don’t you dare try any unnecessary crap.” He scolds, and he ticked Hongjoong off for how he acted towards him.
“ I’ll follow if you tell me where exactly we are going.”
“ I don’t have to tell you anything.”
“ Then I’ll stay right here in this hall.” Hongjoong moved to the wall before sitting down on the floor, enjoying the irritated look on his face.
“ By the Gods, why are you humans so damn difficult?” He berated and it made Hongjoong give a dry laugh.
“ By the Gods, why are wood elves so damn stuck up?” Hongjoong retorted with a smile as he watched him get angrier, “ I promise I can be such an easy guest here and for you, but if you continue to be such a prick to me, I’ll make everything worse for you.”
Yeosang walked over to him and reached for his arm, pulling him up, “ I promise that I’ll cut your tongue off with my sword if you keep running your mouth like this.”
“ If you or the prince wanted to do something, you two would have done that by now. But instead, you brought me here. I don’t know why you both had brought me here against my will, but I do know that if he didn’t tell you to do anything to me, then you can’t.” Hongjoong shook out of his grip as they both stared at each other, “ Now start treating me with some common decency and then this can be easier for us both.”
Yeosang looked at the man up and down, thinking over what he said before mumbling something that Hongjoong couldn’t hear and walking away from the human, “ Just follow me to the living quarters.”
Hongjoong taking his time to follow behind him, a few feet behind him as he stared into the back of the wood elf’s head, “ Why am I going to the living quarters?”
“ Would you prefer the dungeon instead? You living with the other servants of the family sounds too generous in my eyes.” Yeosang looked over and nearly laughed as Hongjoong quickly shook his head, “ So, as I said, that is where I am taking you for now.”
Hongjoong was confused. He tried to steal from the prince and he didn’t lose any limbs. The dungeon would be the most appropriate place for him to be, but he will stay around the other workers who also live in this massive estate. It didn’t make sense to him, and it made him a bit uneasy since he feels that there’s an ulterior motive for doing this.
Hongjoong was led far down the corridor, passing other workers that greeted them and waved at Yeosang or ask him for quick advice that he happily answered. He could tell that they all looked up to the elf and valued his input. Yeosang also looked genuinely happy and satisfied to help them. So maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t as bad as Hongjoong seemed.
Yet again, the harsh behavior could be due to his sticky fingers grabbing the heavy bag of gold and running away when they gave him a chance to return it with no issues.
“ This will be your room until the prince says otherwise.” Yeosang pushed a door open and stepped to the side to let Hongjoong step inside. Hongjoong quietly walked inside, mouth slightly open as he looked at the beautiful room. He walked around the bed, admiring its size as Yeosang watched him from the door. Hongjoong hand touched the sheets and was amazed by how soft they were.
Hongjoong felt like this room cost way more than his life and his next two lives too.
He’s never been in such a place before and he couldn’t help but be stunned by its elegance.
“ Thank you.” Hongjoong’s voice was low, but Yeosang heard him, a tad intrigued by his reactions.
“ If you plan to thank anyone, then thank the prince when he comes by the room. Stay in this room until he comes back and tells you what you can and cannot do. I have other tasks to take care of, so I will be leaving you here alone. However, that doesn’t mean that you can do anything stupid and try to escape. If you try to leave, I will personally come after you myself. Do I make myself clear?” Hongjoong nodded as Yeosang spoke to him.
Hongjoong watched Yeosang close the door and his footsteps leading down the hall before it got quiet.
Hongjoong let out a deep sigh as he took his boots off as he looked around the room, his toes wiggling in the plush carpet underneath his feet as he never felt something this soft. He wondered what animal the fur came from.
He pushed it all to his mind as he walked around the perimeter of the room, hands dragging across the wooden dressers.
He pulled open the drawers to find some clothes sitting inside. He wasn’t sure if he should touch them or not. He doesn't want to give the tawny-haired elf any type of motivation to yell at him. Not that he cared, but more so that he didn’t feel like dealing with that.
So Hongjoong silently walked back to the bed and hesitantly sat down on its expensive sheets. They were soft to his touch. Fingers gliding with ease as he somewhat became enthralled with the material that he never experienced before. It was then that he decided to lay down on the bed completely.
He felt his body slightly sink into it, almost welcoming him with such ease that he closed his eyes for a minute.
Maybe it’s because he doesn’t know how long he would be able to touch such luxury. He exhaled before inhaling the strong smell of fresh cotton from the bed, and Hongjoong felt his aching muscles from running sigh along with him.
He would do anything to be with Eden and laugh around with the patrons of his tavern because that’s his home, but he can’t help but wish to be entangled in this lifestyle just a bit longer.
The moment Hongjoong’s body started to quiet down and convince him to relax in this unfamiliar place, the door opened suddenly, and it made him open his eyes and immediately sit up in the bed.
He greeted him with the face of the prince, who happened to be alone this time. You couldn’t see Yeosang at all from where he sat, and he didn’t see him in the hall either before he shut the door behind him.
It was quiet.
Both of them were staring at each other. Hongjoong, not knowing what to expect from the prince, sat back near the headboard of the large bed. Seonghwa's eyes were piercing him as it felt like he was planning something that Hongjoong had no idea of.
“ It’s good to see that you got comfortable enough for a nap here, but now I have business to talk to you about.” His tone was harsh, and Hongjoong knew that he better pay attention to what he had to say. “First off, I’ll introduce myself. I am the first prince of Crescent Hill and next in line to the throne, Park Seonghwa. What is yours?”
Hongjoong swallowed before answering him, “K-Kim Hongjoong.”
“So Kim Hongjoong is the name of the man who was foolish enough to steal from me in broad daylight?” Seonghwa started as he walked away from the door and made his way to the center of the room. Hongjoong’s eyes following him the whole time he moved, “ But this is now besides that point of you being a petty thief.”
“Then what is this about?” Hongjoong asked him as he adjusted himself on the bed. Hongjoong admiring his side profile before he stopped his pacing and turned his head in his direction.
“ What did I ask you out in the alleyway?” Seonghwa hinted at and watched Hongjoong rake up his brain for the answer before looking back up at the high elf.
“ You had asked me what I was?”
“ And I still need an answer to the question.” Seonghwa turned his body to face him completely.
Hongjoong huffed, crossing his arms over his chest, “ I did give you an answer. Whether you find the answer I gave earlier efficient enough is a problem for you and not myself.”
It was then that Seonghwa crossed the room very quickly and had slammed his hand beside Hongjoong’s head on the headboard. It startled Hongjoong enough to jump and stare up at the prince with wide eyes. His blonde brows were furrowed and his eyes were sharp.
“ You may have human strength and some human agility, but your aura says differently. I know I’m not wrong in this.” Seonghwa argued and he saw the confusion in Hongjoong’s expression once more.
“ What is an aura?” He questioned, a slight tilt of his head as he waited for an answer from him.
“ Aura is this very distinctive atmosphere that surrounds and is generated by a person, place, and thing. Whether it is small or big, there’s some type of aura surrounding everything around us. So that also includes humans, but usually, it’s a tiny amount of aura that’s produced from them, and they are all generally the same.” He explains in great detail as Hongjoong listens.
“ So, what is the problem with my aura?” Hongjoong looked up at the elf, now curious in his reasonings.
“ Despite it being faint, I sensed such evil and tainted aura coming from you that wouldn’t be possible for a regular human to generate. As much as history knows, it’s completely unheard, yet here you are.” Seonghwa gritted through his teeth, and it made Hongjoong glance down.
None of this made any sense to him. He was strictly human and nothing less.
How could he be walking around with a ‘tainted’ aura like this?
It made his head spin as the back of his head rested against the headboard. Seonghwa pulled his face away but was still fairly close as he sat down on the bed. He was still staring at him when he looked up.
“ I seriously don’t know how to answer your assumptions about me. I was born by human parents and was surrounded by nothing but humans for the most part. I wouldn’t know how this could happen.” Hongjoong’s eyes were cast down, still lost in thought as Seonghwa tried to think of some possible explanation.
“ You said you were surrounded by humans ‘ for the most part.’ So I can assume that you are around other beings besides them. If that is true, then can you tell me what type of species you commonly stayed around.”
Hongjoong gave an empty laugh as he looked back up at the prince, a look of agitation in his eyes, “ My old home had a small number of nonhumans who lived there peacefully, but there was a pair of demons who decided to make my life a living hell because I stopped them from hurting someone.”
Hongjoong crossed over his chest as he chewed on his bottom lip as he thought about, “ It was always stupid things and nothing serious, but the last time, they crossed the line and hurt me real bad.”
His mind flashed to that brutal beating. He heard their morphed voices and laughter echoing in his head until it overlapped, and he wanted to leave his mind. He was hearing Ava screaming for them to stop and to leave him alone. He was feeling incapable of breathing since he got slammed down. Remembering how weak he felt, how tiny he truly felt, and how hopeless he felt.
Seonghwa watched the look of pain and terror rise to his face, and it took him by surprise. The smaller male was squeezing his arms so tightly that he could see his blunt nails slowly dig into his skin. He could see him holding his breath and never exhaling.
“ Kim Hongjoong?” He questioned, hesitantly reaching forward to tap his leg.
Hongjoong was so deep in the nightmare replaying in his head that when he felt something touch him, he jumped back. Panicked, he looked forward and realized who was in front of him.
Wasn’t he in the alley?
“ Are you okay?” Seonghwa grew concerned for him. He knows nothing of what those demons did to him, but for them to cause a reaction like this from just thinking back to it.
Hongjoong finally took a deep breath and released his hold on his arms as they fell to his sides. He couldn’t find the strength to look up at him after all of that. His hand reached up to wipe away the tears that almost threatened to fall in front of the prince. It made him angry with himself.
Hongjoong didn’t want to show this man his weaknesses, but I’m guessing he couldn’t control himself as his mind had spiraled out of control. But maybe it had brought some clarification to him.
He was a human, but his aura was ‘supposedly’ evil.
Hongjoong had finally looked up at Seonghwa, who was patiently waiting for him to respond to him, “ Could aura be transferred to another person?”
Seonghwa brought up his hand to rest his chin in, “ Most of the time, beings that can control their auras usually place them on valuables or their territories, so no one bothers them. I haven’t heard of them placing their auras on other people.”
Could that explain everything? It could be the reason why it is so faint and why most people wouldn’t notice it. But again, what if he is just trying to trick him into escaping? Seonghwa doesn't think that he is that much of a fool, but he did steal from him.
Seonghwa looked back up at the man, “ When did that situation happen?”
Hongjoong ran his fingers through his hair as he tried to calm himself down slowly, “ I was 18 when it happened, and I’m 21 now.”
“ That sounds more than just aura. Do you regularly hang around such demons?” Seonghwa questioned him, watching his body finally ease itself against the wooden bed frame.
“ Demons and nonhumans never really scared me before, even after that incident. I haven’t been around any of them since I was here, but then again, some kinds hide in plain sight, and I wouldn’t know. Does aura not stay attached for that long?” Hongjoong tilted his head, and it made him look more childlike to the prince.
“ It’s unheard of as far as my knowledge, but I’ll figure that out for myself,” Seonghwa stood up from the bed and walked back to the center of the room, “ Because of my need to learn and comprehend everything, I want to figure out the mystery of this dark aura that surrounds you. You’ll be under surveillance for as long as that takes. I won’t bind you to this room and you're allowed to walk throughout the premises and you will be fed and bathed. Try and escape and I will put you down and just examine your corpse if need be. Do you understand, Kim Hongjoong?”
“ B-but what about my life outside of here? I can’t just stay here!”
Hongjoong is grateful that they aren’t killing him or taking any limbs from him, but he would rather be back in the tavern with Eden and the rest of the tavern’s patrons.
“ You should have thought about that before you committed the deeds that you did. Try if you must, but it would only result in death.” Seonghwa gave him a stern look. He knew he was serious.
Hongjoong couldn’t just run like how he did in town. This was a heavily guarded place with trained guards. He was royally screwed.
“ Oh, before I forget,” Seonghwa watched the smaller man process his words as he walked back to the door before looking over his shoulder. A grin that gave no sense of calm to Hongjoong’s nerves
“ Welcome to the Park Estate, Kim Hongjoong. I do hope you enjoy your stay.”
THREE WEEKS LATER
Several days had passed since he was invited ( very much forced) to stay in the royal family’s estate who ruled over the town he lived in.
It was honestly better than what he had initially imagined. The staff was told that he was new help, so he simply joined in with some of their duties.
With him joining with the help, he traveled throughout the massive home and had a bit of an idea of where everything was.
The left side of the estate was where the King and his family, meaning Seonghwa, lived. Some higher-up employees, such as Yeosang and some generals in charge of warriors, stayed there as well. There were some standard rooms like the study, the library, and meeting halls, but he knows nothing as far as anything else.
The center of the estate is where the main hall room was located and the kitchen and a few other rooms that he didn't know about. He only passes some of these rooms because he has to go clean some of these areas.
The right side of the estate was where he and the other staff members lived. Everyone had a bedroom, storage, and bathrooms, while some shared a common area. It was shocking to see so many staff there that were genuinely eager, let alone happy, to work for the prince and the family. Even though Hongjoong says that he can’t blame them when he bears witness to how well they are treated.
While Hongjoong truly wants to be back home with Eden, he did make friends with some of the other staff that managed to keep him hopeful and happy.
One of the friends he made was a young man named Subin. He’s been working there for a little over a year. Even though his main job is cleaning-related, he never voices any compliments and is usually in a good mood whenever he speaks. It’s always nice talking to him, and he gives him a good laugh when he needs one.
Hongjoong pretty much did a little bit of everything, even though he wasn’t supposed to. He was usually just supposed to clean a particular area that he was assigned for the day, but he would always end up helping the staff in the kitchen or tending the vast gardens. He even helped some of the warriors polish their weapons after battle and sparring.
Neither Yeosang nor Seonghwa predicted how fast Hongjoong would become well-liked at the estate, but that was just Hongjoong’s personality and friendly nature.
It was just another day Hongjoong had finished his tasks for the day and bored out of his mind. He was walking by the stained windows as he gazed outside into the town, wondering if he could see the tavern again before he heard loud giggles echoing the halls along with fast pitter-pattering of feet.
Hongjoong turned his head in the sound direction before he felt something bump into his legs and let out an ‘oof. Looking down, he saw two children, one on the floor and the other one catching up the other.
“I told you to be more careful!” The taller one yelled as the other one rubbed her nose.
Hongjoong squatted down to be her height as he tried to make sure she had no wounds or marks on her body, “ Hey, are you okay?”
The tiny child looked up at him and nodded, “ My nose hurts, but I’m okay!” She rubbed her nose before looking up at Hongjoong.
Hongjoong gave her a soft smile and also offered his hand to help her stand. The bigger child had watched Hongjoong help her up, “ Are you new?”
Hongjoong nodded as he looked at her, noticing how the younger of the two stared up at his face, “ I’m Hongjoong. What’s your name?” Hongjoong kept his tone light and friendly as the little girl smiled at him.
“ Elva!” She yelled, and it made Hongjoong giggle.
“ What a pretty name,” He looked up at the other child, “ And yours is?”
“ I’m Estel. She’s my little sister.” Estel watched her younger sister reach for him; arms stretched that had Hongjoong shocked himself. She watched him hesitantly lift the girl, and she smiled the moment that he did. Hongjoong had her body resting on her forearm.
“ Can you take us to the kitchen, please? We were on our way to get us some snacks.” Elva giggled as she waited for him to answer.
“ Well, you asked so sweetly, so how could I say no to you?” Hongjoong said as he started to turn his body before looking at the older of the two, “ Will you still be joining us?”
Estel shook her shock as she nodded as Hongjoong started to head for the stairs, Estel looping her arm when he walked. Estel watched her sister talk the man’s head off, still shocked that she trusted and got comfortable with the random man so fast in so little time.
Estel knew her sister was usually wary of any new person for a while, whether she met them or not. But this was the first time either of them had seen the man Hongjoong, yet there she was in the kind man’s arms.
Hongjoong didn’t notice the other sister’s stare as the younger talked his head off about the different foods she liked to eat, nor did he notice how some of the staff glanced at him to see the sister’s so close to him when he was barely in the castle for a month.
But they continued to walk down the stairs and made their way to the kitchen. Hongjoong used his shoulder to push the door open and peek inside, seeing a familiar face. The man turned his head after hearing the door, and he watched the man sigh.
“ What do you want now, Hongjoong?” He put down the knife he was using and stared at him.
“ Well, I missed you too Jin, but I wanted to get some snacks for myself and these two,” showing both sisters, and it made Jin widen his eyes.
“ Didn’t I give you two snacks earlier? Why are you back here, and you brought him back too.” Jin pinched the bridge of his nose as Hongjoong put Elva down.
“ Can’t we have a bit more Mr. Jin? Please?~” Elva ran over and clung to his leg.
“ If I keep giving you sweets and you fatten up, your mother and the prince will have my head!” Jin exclaimed as he rubbed his throat, and it only made her giggle.
“ We would never let him hurt you” Estel smiled as she eyed the desserts on the table that Hongjoong’s eyes also caught as he moved closer to the tray.
“ Jin, what type of dessert is this? I haven’t seen those before.” Hongjoong tore his eyes away for a split second to look at Jin with a childlike gaze.
Before Jin could speak, one of his assistants, Jaemin, came inside with an empty tray, “ Those are peach puffs.”
“They look fluffy and soft and look delicious~” Estel added as she and Hongjoong stared at each other and looked back at the tray. Elva was heading back to them, asking for Hongjoong to pick her back up, and he did.
Hongjoong knew the look that she had. It was the very same look he gave when he decided to steal from the prince.
Without a second thought, Estel snatched two puffs in her tiny hands, “ Grab one for Elva!” Estel yelled as Jin tried to run over to them.
Hongjoong hesitated for a split second before taking a puff as well and rushing out the door, hearing Jaemin’s laughter and Jin’s nagging.
“I make it up to you tonight, Mr. Jin!~” Hongjoong shouted as he followed behind the girl with her giggling as they ran. He knew Jin wasn’t going to chase him and just smack his hands when he sees him again.
They slowed down and sat down in the hall by the steps on the floor. He gave Elva her puff before placing her in his lap, smiling when she started munching on it. Estel handed Hongjoong his own, and you all ate the puffs quietly in the halls.
There was a sort of peace as you three ate the stolen food on the floor enjoying the silence as they enjoyed the sweet treat. The peaches were fresh, and the cream was fluffy. Hongjoong was enjoying his time with the sisters as his eyes were closed.
“Ddeonghwa!”
Hongjoong’s eyes opened as he watched Elva scurry out of his lap and run towards the blonde prince; his blue eyes were staring at Hongjoong, a stoic look on his face until Elva drew closer and he gave her a sweet smile.
A smile that Hongjoong didn’t know the man could take.
“ Now, what are you doing out here? Are you and Estel causing trouble? ” The prince’s voice was soft, maybe even delicate as he crouched down, opening his arms as she ran right into them.
“ We ate some peach puffs with Hongjoong!” She yells as she goes to feed the last bit of puff she had to Seonghwa, who chuckled and opened his mouth.
“ It does taste delicious.” Seonghwa smiled as Hongjoong watched with wide eyes.
Estel had gotten up as well, a big smile gracing her face as she ran over to hug him as well, “ Are you busy with duties for the rest of the day?”
“ No, I just came back from finishing my tasks for the day.” Seonghwa tucked her dark hair behind her ear as he spoke.
“ Can we go to the gardens then?” Elva asked with big doe eyes, hoping that the man would say yes.
“ Of course we can go. Would you like to go now?” Seonghwa tilted his head as she jumped up and down with excitement, a clear yes by her actions.
“ Oh! Can we bring Hongjoong with us too?” Estel asked and both Hongjoong and Seonghwa weren't expecting her to ask that. They both had looked at each other, not initially knowing how to answer it.
Hongjoong tried to help the prince as he’s stood up, “ Maybe I shouldn’t go with you all-”
“ Nooooo,” Elva runs over to him, clinging onto his leg, “ Please come with us, so can I show you the flowers there pleaseeeee.” She begged and Hongjoong felt like he couldn’t tell her no.
“ Join us, Kim Hongjoong. It’s quite hard to tell the little one no.” Seonghwa spoke, looking at him with eyes that were unreadable as Hongjoong eventually agreed.
The sisters eventually pulled both of them out towards the gardens, Seonghwa sitting on one of the benches as the sisters pulled Hongjoong around to the flowers that they found were pretty. Hongjoong stared at the white camellias and pink roses that Hongjoong found himself getting so enthralled in them as he reached out to touch them all.
Seonghwa watched from where he sat, watching Hongjoong’s movements as he noticed the childlike gaze he had just for the flowers, and Seonghwa found his face softening a bit.
They were just flowers. They weren’t too memorable or unique, but here was the tiny human being memorized by some vibrant flowers.
Seonghwa immediately found it foolish and childish in his mind, but something in the back of his mind found his reactions adorable, and the moment that it crossed his mind, he froze and shook his head back and forth to get rid of the thought.
He looked back up and realized that the sisters were pulling the man before, having him sit right beside him. He smiled at them as they told them they would get them both a surprise and ran away before either of them could say anything.
The moment the girls were far enough away from them, Seonghwa’s smile dropped, and he turned to face the shorter man, “ What ulterior motives do you have, Kim Hongjoong?”
Hongjoong giggled, his legs crossed as he leaned back onto the bench before turning to look him in the eyes, “ I was waiting for you to say something to me. I wasn’t expecting you to do it so soon, though.”
“ Answer my question.”
Seonghwa watched him roll his eyes before looking back at him, “ There’s no motive or planning. I like my life very much. Those lovely children ran into me in the halls after I finished my duties for the day. Elva asked for me to come with them to the kitchen.”
Seonghwa stared at him, nowhere near satisfied with his answer, “They don’t usually warm up to any new faces so fast. Perhaps, you used some type of magic on them.”
“ Wouldn’t such a high-ranked elf like you would have noticed any magic traces on them as you did with the tiny amount of dark energy on me?” Hongjoong raised his brow and it took everything in him not to laugh at the look on the prince's face.
It was a mix of shock and maybe a pinch of flustered as he watched him scramble to try and respond to him, his mouth opening and closing, not knowing what to say.
Hongjoong found that face more fitting on him than the stoic one he walks around with.
It makes him look younger. It made him look youthful.
It made him look cuter.
Huh?
“ I guess you're right….” The prince mumbled, not looking at him anymore
Hongjoong, being lost in his thoughts, nearly missed what he said, “ Did you just say I was right?”
“ I did,” Seonghwa answered, feeling Hongjoong lean closer to him.
“ Say it again.”
“ What?”
“ Say that I was right again.” Hongjoong pushed, moving closer to the elf, feeling their thighs touch.
“ No,” Seonghwa turned to the side. He felt the man close the distance between them again, and he was ready to yell at him when he turned his head around, but his voice died down when he noticed how close their faces were.
Hongjoong wasn’t expecting him to turn around either, and he knew the prince could see him visibly swallow as he also took note of their closeness. The last time he had his face this close to his face was when they were in his room, and he was threatening him with the sword.
But now, there were no weapons in sight. It was just the two of them, up close and personal. Hongjoong couldn’t stop his eyes from looking over the handsome face. He found himself admiring his cheekbones, the shape of his nose, and daringly eyeing his lips.
They looked pretty and soft before his eyes glanced back up to catch the pair of bright lapis staring back at him.
He was waiting for the man to yell for his staring and the lack of personal space, but it never came. He just kept eye contact with him, and Hongjoong wasn’t sure what he should do. He knew that he could see the faintest of blush coat his cheeks, and he was going to lose it.
By the gods, he was lucky to be broken from the trance as he heard the sisters yell for them as they got remotely closer to them.
Hongjoong was quick to move back to where there was a reasonable amount of distance between them, and he heard Seonghwa clear his throat and turned his head back away from him.
Hongjoong smacked his cheeks a bit before quickly putting on a smile as Elva ran over to him, her hands dirty from the soil as Estel came over with some flowers in her hands. Hongjoong picked the younger sister up and sat her on his lap, and Estel sat in between him and Seonghwa, which he was grateful for. “ What were you two up to for you both to have such dirty fingers?”
Hongjoong’s tone was light and bubbly as he took out a cloth from his pants pocket and gently took her tiny hands to clean them.
“ We found some pretty flowers and we pulled two up for you both!” She squeals as Estel hands them both a flower. It was a red Gardenia and Hongjoong brought it to his nose to smell, smiling when he did.
“ This is a beautiful flower. Thank you.” He gave them a big smile that they quickly returned, not catching Seonghwa looking at him once more with a smile that went unnoticed by the party as the children talked both of their ears off, but they didn’t mind as they sat in the gardens with them.
They both stayed there with them, idly talking and playing with the children, as they were watched from the window, their earlier interaction not going unnoticed as a brow twitched before walking away.
ONE MONTH LATER
It’s been about six weeks since Hongjoong was made to stay there in the castle, and the time he was having there was completely different from that initial week.
Especially when it came between him and the prince of the estate.
He found his eyes lingering on the prince whenever he walked past him, or he caught him after a lesson or meeting. Sometimes, he would see the prince meeting his gaze, and it would immediately make his face flash and have him quickly walk away.
He didn't know why he started to get so nervous around the elf prince, but he did. Ever since their trip to the gardens with the children, he hasn’t been able to look at him calmly.
Speaking of the sisters, Estel and Elva always tried to steal him away while he was doing his tasks for the day. Whether it was bringing in shipments from other cities to him having to clean the floors and windows thoroughly, they tried their best to steal him away.
The other workers found it amusing, never really minding if they stayed out, not as they worked since they never really caused anyone trouble, but they did find it odd how much they went to strictly Hongjoong and no one else.
Hongjoong had just managed to avoid the sisters, both feeling mischievous as they were messing with Subin before quickly asking where the small brown-haired man was.
It wasn’t that he didn’t love their company, but he just didn’t have the energy to play with them. Sadly, they didn’t give up that easily, and they were chasing him.
Hongjoong had some reasonable distance between these girls, them both giggling and smiling as they were trying to catch up. “ Hongjoong, where are you going?” Estel giggles and it took everything in him not to laugh.
He glanced around the halls, spotting a wooden door and quickly opening and shutting it silently as he pressed his ear against the door. Hongjoong heard the girls go past the door, quickly stopping when they couldn’t hear his steps or see him since it was a long hallway.
“ Where did he go?” Elva asked, confused as Hongjoong backed away from the door. He knew their hearing was better than his, so he tried his best not to make any sounds. His eyes never leaving the door until he bumped into something and a hand quickly covered over his mouth.
Hongjoong’s heart jumped into his throat as he tried to turn around and was greeted by those same hypnotizing blue eyes as he leaned to his ear, “ Say calm if you want the girls to leave.”
His voice was low and it sent a shiver down his spine, but he stayed still and quiet. He could still hear the girls talking right outside the door.
“ You think he went into here,” Elva asked, pointing to the door that indeed had Hongjoong right behind it.
“ I don’t think he did. No one is allowed in there and that includes Hongjoong,” Estel thought for a bit before the two heard a sigh. “ We lost him, Estel, so let’s go and get some snacks from Mr.Jin!”
Hongjoong heard Elva make this happy noise as she started to run off to the kitchen, Estel right on her tail as the footsteps and laughter slowly went away, and Hongjoong let out a sigh, unconsciously resting his head against his body and Seonghwa stiffened a bit.
Seonghwa stared to the top of his head, staying completely still and not knowing what to do for a minute.
Hongjoong, unknowing of him stiffening behind him, turned around to face him for a split second before looking past him, “What room is this?”
Seonghwa snapped out of it for a split second before turning around to look in his direction, “This is the castor room. This is where I study and learn new magic.”
Hongjoong walked deeper into the room, eyeing the tree and wood decor in the room, his eyes trailing to the colored glass that brought in the light that illuminated the room. Hongjoong eyes landed on the book that must have been where Seonghwa was sitting.
“So you plan on staying here, even though the young ones left you alone already?” Seonghwa walked past him as he sat back in the chair that Hongjoong was eyeing. He turned in his seat, leaning back to look at him and wait for his answer.
“ I won’t touch anything. I just want to watch you work. I finished my task for the day and I have never seen magic before, so I’m a bit curious.” Hongjoong admitted as he eyed the chair that was next to him.
Seonghwa thought it over, tempted to send him off so he could enjoy his time alone like he usually does. But glancing at the look on his face and eyes made him sigh and turned back around. “ Sit in the chair and don’t touch anything.”
Hongjoong sat in a chair, far away from Seonghwa and his work. Hongjoong eyes scanned the table and saw the books and vials that were over most of the table. His eyes were trailing up to look at the elf prince, who was focused on the text in the book.
His blonde hair pulled back this time in a ponytail, a few loose hairs as his eyes scanned over the text. His hand reached for the feather and dipped it in ink before writing some notes on his own, him noting how pretty his handwriting was as well before looking back up to his face.
Hongjoong doesn’t know how he found himself staring at his profile as he worked, despite wanting to bother him just a bit. He was just enamored with how the gods decided to sculpt such a beautiful-looking man.
He had to be honest. He found Seonghwa attractive. Yeah, he tried to kill him and take his fingers from him, but he was still hot.
Hongjoong chuckled to himself and the sound drew in Seonghwa’s attention, “ What’s so amusing over there?” He asked as he got up, grabbed some materials from a shelf, and brought them back to the table.
“ Would you prefer that I be honest?” Hongjoong asked.
“ I don’t like being lied to, so yes.”
“ I was sitting here thinking about how handsome you are.”
He almost dropped the materials in his hands.
“ Pardon?”
“ You told me to be honest and I said I was sitting here thinking about how handsome you were. Do you not know that you are handsome?” Hongjoong tilted his head, eyes glancing back at the other vials, his fingers tempted to reach out and touch them.
“It’s not that I don’t know that I have good looks, but that’s not what I was expecting to hear. But why would that have made you laugh?”
“ I thought that despite you threatening to take off any type of limbs, I couldn’t lie and say you aren’t attractive. I don’t think I can be good-looking anymore if I lose an arm.” Hongjoong smiled as he dragged his fingertips over the vials, despite being told not to touch anything.
“ A missing limb wouldn’t make you less attractive,” Seonghwa said bluntly, and Hongjoong wasn’t expecting that type of response. It made him stare at the icy blonde prince.
“ I’m sorry, what was that?”
“ I know you heard me loud and clear, but maybe those human ears of yours aren’t too good, so listen closely,” Seonghwa grabbed his collar, making Hongjoong yelp as Seonghwa ghosted his lips by the shell of Hongjoong’s ear, “ I said a missing limb wouldn’t make you less attractive, Kim Hongjoong.”
Hongjoong felt the blush cover his cheeks and a shiver run down his spine from having his voice and breath so close to him. His voice sounded more profound than usual, or was that just his mind playing with him? But this man. This prince had called him attractive and he didn't know how to react to that.
Seonghwa enjoyed the silence from the man as he let go of his collar and went back to focusing on the magic in front of him. He watched from the corner of his eye at how Hongjoong adjusted himself before getting comfortable and watching him work once more.
He enjoyed the sort of “ peace” that befell them both. It was comfortable and relaxing as the only thing Seonghwa could hear was him mixing the elixirs and potions and the glasses occasionally clinking together. But then his ear picked up on a sound that made him look over again.
He saw the tiny man with his head resting in his arms, lightly snoring. He watched his shoulders rise slowly with every breath, and tossed his hair slightly to the side.
Seonghwa marked where he was at last and closed his book before turning to face him fully. He slowly reached over and moved his hair out of his eyes. He pulled his hand back when Hongjoong moved before going still again.
Seonghwa found himself gradually leaning closer, basking in the scent that was rolling off of him. He couldn’t put his finger on it. He never had the chance to figure out what his smell was when he got close the last few times.
Seonghwa didn’t even realize how close he had gotten to Hongjoong’s sleeping face. His nose was almost brushing against him, and he didn’t fully grasp the idea that he wanted to kiss his forehead. But that sounds….wrong.
He shouldn’t desire to do such a thing, especially someone who should just be treated like a common thief. Everything in Seonghwa’s mind told him not to do it, and he knew his lips were inches away. All he had to do was inch a tiny bit forward and he would do it.
Just a tad bit closer and that’s it. Just that simple. But it still felt wrong.
It took a few seconds, but Seonghwa relaxed and looked back at the sleeping man before backing up in his seat. He knew better and he wouldn’t. Whatever urge he had will be swallowed and locked away since he knows it was wrong.
But at the very least, he petted his head and couldn’t stop the small smile as he leaned into his hand a bit.
Seonghwa enjoyed the feeling before he heard a quick knock on the door before it swung open. Seonghwa pulled his hand away fast and went back to grab his book, almost doing it in such a calm and collected manner as if he wasn’t petting the sleeping man.
Yeosang turned around and brought Seonghwa his tea with a smile before he stopped, his eyes immediately locking on the Hongjoong.
Yeosang did his best not to have his face falter as he walked over to the table, sitting the tray of fruits and tea down on a nearby table, “ I brought you some fruits and tea. I didn’t know you would have a guest, or else I would have brought another cup of tea.”
“ This wasn’t planned, but there is no need for that,” Seonghwa reached over and grabbed a strawberry and took a bite from it, letting out a tiny hum as it touched his tongue, “ But I appreciate the snacks. I was a bit famished.”
“ Then you should be eating something more filling.” Yeosang quipped, boldly stealing a grape for himself and popping it into his mouth as he saw the prince smile.
“Then do you know what is being prepared for lunch, Yeosang?.”
“ I can find out if you’d like.”
“ There’s no need for that,” Seonghwa stood up and went for another book on the shelf, “ You do enough for me as it is.”
Yeosang looked back at Hongjoong, sending the sleeping man a look that Seonghwa couldn’t see before fixing it as the prince turned around. Yeosang watched the head back to the table, seemingly comfortable with having Hongjoong stay beside him like that.
“ Yeosang, do you know what the rest of my day looks like? I didn’t meet with the King recently.” Seonghwa asked, eyes glued to the new book in his hands.
Yeosang stepped forward, on the opposite side of the table from Hongjoong, “ As far as today, you have to spar with the general and Lady Nora before dinner. Your schedule is quite free beside the event the King had planned that needs your actual attendance.”
Yeosang watched the man tsk as he looked at him, “ It is coming up, isn’t it? I don’t want to be there.”
“ I don't either, but you know we have no say for this one. You already have some attire being made; the seamstress is almost finished with that. You have the fitting tomorrow, and then the event is two days from now.” Yeosang explained as he heard another deep sigh from Seonghwa.
“ I don’t want to be in the faces of so many nobilities, especially with most of them being fools and not wanting to listen. You ask how to improve things, I tell them, and they don't listen or just resort to saying I’m a spoil and know-it-all brat that understands nothing. But if that's the case, why ask me for my input to begin with? This happens all night long, and you know this.” Seonghwa allowed himself to slip into his chair just a bit and Yeosang gave a small smile at the action.
“I’ll assist you the best way I can.” Yeosang bows slightly and Seonghwa gives a smile of his own before his head turns around when he hears a groan coming from his left. He watched Hongjoong stretch and sat up from where he was, yawning and stretching his arms. Hongjoong turned and looked over at Seonghwa before his eyes turned to look at Yeosang.
“ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep here.” Hongjoong rubbed his eyes a bit and the prince thought it made him more childlike as he watched him.
“ I would have woken you up if it was a nuisance for me.” Seonghwa pointed out a comment that didn’t go unnoticed by the advisor, “ Also, while I’m thinking of it, there is an event that will be happening in two days, and you will also have to attend.
“Why?” He wasn’t expecting both Hongjoong and Yeosang to say it at the same time.
“ Only you and I know the real reason why Kim Hongjoong is in this castle, but to others, he is a mere worker. Just like the rest of them, he will be working and most likely be a server to the guests.” Seonghwa pointed out and Yeosang got quiet. Choose to say no.
Hongjoong knew he was right, and he didn't have a choice to say no in this type of situation. “I’ll do my best during this event.”
“ I expect you to.”
TWO DAYS LATER
“Never knew you could clean up so well, Hongjoong. Almost didn’t recognize you.” Subin teased, adjusting his clothes as he smiled at him.
The two of you had spent the day together getting everything ready for the event that’s happening tonight. You expected not to see the Prince and his advisor until the evening, and so far, you’ve been correct. After all the necessary preparations, the workers were all told to change and hurry back before the guest arrived.
Hongjoong eyed himself in the large mirror, admiring his appearance. He never dressed in something like this before, primarily to him not being able to afford something like this. He was dressed in white. A long-sleeved flint-colored top that was buttoned as that top before split down the center passed his belly button and stopped at his knees with delicate gold details that could go unnoticed. White pants that were a bit scrunched at the ankle due to his height, but nothing too bad to where he would walk on them. A high necked vested jacket latched at the top before flowing down and stopping at his thighs. The latch was gold, the edges of the material, and some white and gold shoes to match.
It was pretty simple in appearance, but it indeed was the fanciest thing he had worn. Subin was wearing the same color scheme but was designed differently. “ So funny, now let’s hurry up because we have to go back.”
“ Do you remember how to get there?”
“ No, not at all, so hurry up so you can show me how to get there.” Hongjoong laughed with Subin as they walked out of the room, following other staff that had to work.
If Hongjoong was honest with himself, he didn’t want to help any rich and stuck-up assholes tonight, but he knows he can’t say that out loud. Luckily, Subin would be there with him to brighten the mood.
Jin told them to station a table on the end, and you two were happy to be stuck together.
You both watched how quickly the hall filled up, countless demons, monsters, and humans all dressed in the finest of silks and fabrics to impress each other, and it took everything in Hongjoong to not roll his eyes. He believes that they might get stuck in his head if he did so.
But he did what he was told along with Subin, serving any and everyone that approached their tables. He was a bit shocked when some thanked them but wasn’t surprised by the judging looks he did receive.
Hongjoong found himself getting tired fast, having Subin kick his shin once in and while to keep him up. But soon enough, that kick felt like nothing.
“ Hongjoong, wake up! The prince has arrived!” Subin whispered yell as they both turned towards the more oversized doors.
Hongjoong straightened up and had his eyes glued as he finally got his first look at the King and Queen, Seonghwa’s parents. His father gave off a regal aura; His hair flowed down to his mid-back. He was dressed in black, white, and gold. Hongjoong could see some of the finest jewels adorning his neck apart from his attire.
His eyes went to Seonghwa’s mother and she must have been the most elegant woman he has ever seen, dressed in layers of silk and expensive fabrics that flowed around her beautifully. Her beautiful headdress and intricate hairstyle made her shine like an actual jewel.
But then his eyes landed on the prince, and it felt like his breath got caught in his throat. He was adorned in all black, a great contrast to his pale skin and blonde hair. His attire was flowy as well, similar to his mother’s. As he saw them walk past, he noticed embroidery of dragons on the sleeves and along the collar and hem of his clothes.
His eyes followed him as he walked behind his parents, having Subin smack his arm once more to gain his attention once he noticed some guests walk to their table. But no matter how many times Subin had to slap his arm, he found his eyes going back to Seonghwa.
Maybe it’s because admiring the prince’s beauty made him focus enough to stay up now after seeing countless forgettable faces. But then it became something more familiar when he noticed Yeosang heading to the table.
His pants were plain and straightforward and just white in color. He was dressed in this black vest with a high collar. The seams are traced in white trim, and wearing black and gold cuffs on his wrists. This other piece was a fabric matching his shirt and had a white border and some gold.
“ Mr.Kang, I wasn’t expecting you to come by,” Subin said with a smile, and Hongjoong watched the corners of Yeosang’s lips curve upwards.
“ It’s good to see you as well, Subin.” Yeosang turned his head to look at Hongjoong, and he noticed a slight change in his gaze, “ Nice to see you too, Hongjoong.”
“Anything that you would like?” Hongjoong asked him as Yeosang’s eyes scanned over the array of foods, leaning over to look at it all before standing up once more.
“ I’ll come back later since I’m not quite hungry yet. I plan on seeing you two later then, so make sure you two enjoy yourselves later on.” Yeosang told them before heading off just as quickly as he arrived.
Subin was distracted for a split second when another guest missed the quick change in Yeosang’s face. His eyes narrowed, a frown on his lips before turning his head once more to head back to Seonghwa.
Hongjoong found it odd. He knew the advisor wasn’t fond of him and would prefer if he was dead, but the look in his eyes this time seemed more intense than before.
He just pushed it to the back of his head before he felt Subin smack his arm once more, this time to get his attention as Jin arrived. “
“ You both are done for now. Eat and relax. Just don’t cause any trouble for me, or I’ll have your head. “ He threatened before pushing both of them away, Hongjoong laughing a bit.
“ Now you know you would mourn my death. I’m quite fun to be around.” Hongjoong joked as Jin kicked his ankle as they both stumbled away laughing.
Hongjoong and Subin had made their way to some of the other workers that were switched out to eat. It was away from the more high-status guests, but Hongjoong preferred that.
He has fun and enjoys his time with them. Maybe it’s because this was something that he wished he could have back in his hometown with Ava. Perhaps he’ll get some money and get her to visit.
He knows that’s not a realistic plan, but he could dream.
“ Did he zone out? Oi Hongjoong!”
Hongjoong looked up and realized that Eric, one of the other coworkers that he has made friends with, was calling him. “Hm? What is it?”
“Did you hear anything that I just said?” The younger asked and Hongjoong gave a sheepish laugh before saying no. The boy rolled his eyes before giving him a look.
“ I said that soon with have to go from table to table and collect and dishes and trash from them,” Eric explained, and Hongjoong couldn’t stop the look that appeared on his face.
“ Why can’t they get rid of their trash?” The words flew from his lips quicker than necessary.
“ Look, it's a party for the rich and they are all guests of the family. They aren’t supposed to lift a finger for anything as trivial as cleaning up after themselves.” Eric says sarcastically, a grin on his face as he ate more food, “ You knew what you were getting into when hired here, Hongjoong, so don’t get stupid now.”
“ Aren’t I older than you? Who are you calling stupid?” Hongjoong brow raised and gave him a look that Eric wasn’t fazed by.
“ If you know you aren’t stupid, don’t get offended by it. But seriously, Jin or someone higher up will have your head if you're disrespectful to them. So even if they do something, bite your tongue.” Eric gives him an honest look and Hongjoong huffed.
Subin pats his shoulder, “ It should be fast since most of us are doing that, so don’t worry too much. Okay.” Subin gave a dimpled smile and Hongjoong let out a small smile of his own.
He enjoys this. Bickering and smiling with each other felt very on end and it’s a bit bittersweet that it’s with people that he just met and not his parents. Well, with his mother, yes, but it would be nice if his father were included in that as well.
Before he knew it, they were all splitting up which tables they were going to and grabbed some carts before heading off.
Hongjoong took a deep breath before putting on a fake smile and approached the first table. His greeting was friendly and respectful as he asked if anyone was done with their plates. Some raised their hands and he came over and collected everything that they were finished with. He made sure not to make eye contact with them despite a few leering into the side of his head.
Hongjoong was quick to bow before leaving and dropping his smile the moment he was gone. He nearly mumbled something under his breath before remembering that no humans were sitting at these tables.
So Hongjoong continued this pattern with a fake smile, cleaning and leaving until he reached this last table. He could tell that he was an elf by the pointed ears, and the man was sitting there all alone.
“Excuse me, sir, but are you finished with your food? I'm here to collect your dirty dishes if so.”
The man tilted his head up and gave a light smile, “ Don’t your cheeks hurt from smiling like that? I gave you no reason to smile and neither did those other snot-nosed nobles. Relax and treat me like normal.”
“ I’m sorry, but I-”
“ I may be a royal, but I'm nobody to them. I would rather be treated regularly than a noble,” He turned in his seat before putting his dirty plate on himself as Hongjoong just stared at him, “ I didn’t catch your name. What is it?”
He shook his head as he looked at him, “ my name is Hongjoong.”
“ Hongjoong. That’s a different name, but I like it. I’m Prince Gerold, but I don’t need any formalities. Gerold is just fine.”
“ How could you tell that my smile was fake?” Hongjoong asked, stepping a bit closer to the man.
“ Cause you gave the same type of smiles that I do.” He rested his head in his hand as he glanced back to Hongjoong, “ Please sit, or you can’t waste any time chit-chatting with me?”
“ Well, I’m not supposed to do anything that would upset the ‘royals,’ but since I’m not upsetting you, it should be fine.” Hongjoong watched the smile grow a bit bigger on his face.
“ Well, then let’s sit and chat only for a little while. Maybe this event won’t be as boring as anticipated.”
༄༄༄
Seonghwa was tired.
He was ready to call it a night the moment he stepped into the grand room. But of course, being the son of the current king kept him occupied and busy.
He had to answer to some neighboring townships as well, as they praised him with cheers about what a great king he’ll be, and by the gods, was Seonghwa tired of the repetition.
There were questions on what he would do once his father steps down and how many children of his own he plans to have or if he has selected a queen.
Soon to Seonghwa ear’s, their voices became inaudible and would only pick up a few words that would remind him of what the bloody hell they were talking about.
While some of the guests started to talk to themselves, Seonghwa’s eyes swelled across the crowd as he was quick to stop once he saw a familiar brown hair at a table.
He watched him talk to one of the nobles. It didn’t seem like it was anything terrible because Hongjoong looked utterly relaxed.
But the more he stared, the more he realized that he looked a tad bit too relaxed.
He was able to see how close they were to each other as they talked about whatever. He could see the other person putting his arm on the back of Hongjoong’s chair and give a grin.
He couldn’t read their lips, but he did know that something had made Hongjoong laugh, and the smile was genuine. It made his heart jump a tad bit before remembering that it wasn’t directed towards him. It was someone that he just met and made him smile big like that.
Fascinating.
“ Prince Seonghwa?”
Seonghwa turned back to look at the guests in front of him, “ Yes, what is it?”
They pointed to the glass in his hand, and his eyes followed suit and noticed how tight his grip was on the glass. It caught him off guard cause he never saw his grip tightening. He placed the tall glass down on the table.
“ Are you okay, Prince Seonghwa? Did we say something to upset you?” Seonghwa could see the concern on their face and he snapped out of the slight haze he was in.
“No, it wasn’t you. However, I do have some business that I need to handle. Please enjoy this event to the fullest.” The prince gave a slight bow and smiled before quickly heading off, his feet with a mind of his own.
༄༄༄
Maybe nobles weren’t all too bad.
Hongjoong knew he was supposed to be working, but he couldn’t find himself getting up and ending this conversation. Prince Gerold had a charm about him that just made him stay. Maybe it’s because he was somewhat of an outcast among the nobles and he just seems a bit more humble in a sense.
He found himself smiling and laughing as they talked, not noticing how close the man had gotten or how friendly they would look to any guests. He was just hoping that he wouldn’t get into too much trouble.
“ Hongjoong, can I asked you something?” Prince Gerold tilted his head as he looked at him.
“ Of course. What is it?”
“ Would you like to leave this party? It’s not quite as interesting as you.” Prince Gerold grinned.
Hongjoong wasn’t expecting him to ask such a question. He wouldn’t mind being with him a bit longer, but he knows very well that if he leaves after all this, he might get killed by Jin. or even worse. Get killed by Yeosang.
“ Oh, I don’t think I can. I’m supposed to be working right now, to begin with, so if I leave, I’ll get in tro-” Hongjoong breath hitched when he was pulled a bit closer to him by his chair, catching him off guard.
“ Come on~ We could walk through the city or the gardens and just have a good time. You don’t wanna spend that time with me?” Prince Gerold’s smile was sweet, but maybe it felt a little too sweet that made Hongjoong want to leave, but he couldn’t. It felt like his legs were made of steel.
“ B-but I have to-”
“ I thought we were having fun together. Just for a little bit. I promise to bring you back before this shit of a party is.” Prince Gerold grabbed his hand gently, a complete opposite from the tone, despite being laced with sweet words. His thumb rubbed over his knuckles before bringing his hand to his mouth. He placed tender kisses on each one. Hongjoong wanted to pull his arm away, walk away and deal with all forms of scolding from Subin and Jin, then stay here. Even though he thought that he couldn’t move. Was it fear? Was he scared again? He just wanted to leave.
“Let’s go. I’ll sneak you out to avoid any trouble.”
“Well, it’s a bit too late for that now, is it?” Hongjoong watched how quickly his eyes looked up and passed him, and despite still not being able to move, he knew who was behind him. He knew that voice well enough.
“Ah, Prince Seonghwa. A great party you have here. Not my cup of tea, though, so I planned to leave here with this lovely muse, so if you don’t mind.” Prince Gerold stood up, still holding Hongjoong’s hand. He wasn’t expecting to stand up with such ease when he struggled to do it with his willpower. Hongjoong finally glanced over at Seonghwa as Prince Gerold tries to walk past him.
Hongjoong felt his shoulder get gripped on, and it felt like lightning struck him the moment the elf prince touched him. It made his ears ring, then his spine tingled, and his toes curl before he was finally able to pull his arm away. He faced Seonghwa in shock, but his gaze was rigid set on the other prince in front of him.
“ You went out of your way to compel him? You lured him in with such a fake smile and tried to snatch him off somewhere else. Truly pathetic.” Seonghwa's voice was cold, and he enjoyed the way his lip twitched as he spoke to him, “ You have some nerve bothering my workers.”
“ Now you're saying that as if you care about all of your workers.” He smirks as he crossed his arms.
“ Why wouldn’t I? Their hard work made this event as successful as it is. I owe them all some proper gratitude for their efforts, and it’s just a shame that they still have to deal with something as rotten as you.” Seonghwa stepped forward, right in front of Hongjoong and gave him such a cold glare that made the smirk fall from his face and replaced with a scowl.
“ You watch who you're talking to!” He growled out and Seonghwa laughed in his face.
“ Oh, and what would you do? Did you forget that part of the land that your father owns was a gracious gift from us? Did you forget how much we helped you and your father get to where you are? We hand-fed you everything, and it would be just as easy to make you starve. Be foolish enough to doubt my bluff, and I will personally ruin you. You need us. We don’t need you.” Seonghwa’s aura crackled, and it made the other Prince step back even more from them.
“All of this fuss and threats over one of the hundreds of workers?!”
“ For your information, I hand-picked this one, so yes. Now I suggest you leave like previously intended,” Seonghwa grabbed Hongjoong’s rest and started to walk away. Hongjoong turned around to at him before Seonghwa’s voice cut through the air, “ Don’t look at him.”
Seonghwa walked fast and scouted the area before stepping up to Subin and tapping his shoulder. Subin turned around and nearly dropped the plates he had in his hands. “ Prince Seonghwa! W-what can I do for you?”
“ Take care of the rest of Hongjoong’s work if you don’t mind. I need him for something else more important.” It was then that Subin noticed Hongjoong behind him, and it looked like Subin was trying to get a sense from him about what happened, but Hongjoong sheepishly looked away.
“ Of course! I’ll get right on it.” Subin bows before heading past them and Seonghwa continues to pull Hongjoong out and out the doors, not going unnoticed by the prince’s advisors as he gives a sharp gaze with furrowed brows.
Once Hongjoong believes that they were far enough from anyone, he spoke up, “ Seonghwa, where are we going?….”
“ Just wait. We're almost there.” Seonghwa gave a short response as he guided them through halls that Hongjoong had never been down before; he opened a door and pulled them both inside before shutting the door. That’s when Seonghwa finally let go of his wrist and slumped against the door.
Hongjoong watched how the prince’s back and shoulders slouched before looking up at him. “ Are you okay?”
Seonghwa made a small smile, “ I should be asking you that. A nonhuman just compelled you. The longer you stayed there, the more control he would have had on you.”
Hongjoong looked at his hands and legs, moving them slightly, “ I thought it was fear again. I thought I was that scared and couldn’t move. Not because of magic.”
Hongjoong missed the soft look he gave him as he stayed by the door, “ No. It was magic that a good variety of nonhumans know. If you can use magic or have any items to help you comply, it is quite easy to do. Humans usually fall prey to it naturally. Folks of magic sense other magic, so it would never have worked.”
Hongjoong gave a tiny smile, “ That’s good to know, but that just reminds me of how much weaker I am to everything.”
Seonghwa pushed himself off the door and stood in front of him, “Humans can learn magic too if they practice hard enough. The only way you can stop being weak is if you put the time and effort into being strong. You don’t just need to be physically stronger to beat someone. There are other ways, and I'm sure you would be capable of it.”
Hongjoong looked up at his eyes and let out a laugh, “ Who would have thought that your words would give me some comfort,” Hongjoong rubbed the back up his neck and stared at the ground, “ Thank you.”
“ There’s no need to thank me.”
“ Yes, there is. I found myself in some trouble and I was lucky enough that you were there to help me. I’m sorry for causing trouble and making you leave the party. I’ll—I’ll take whatever lecture or punishment for everything.” Hongjoong stared at his hands.
It could have gone a completely different way and Hongjoong didn’t even want to think what would happen if no one came over to stop him.
“ I was forced to attend this party. I’m the next in line to the throne, so of course, I had to be there. I would have rather hid than talked the same nonsense with all of those guests. And did you think I dragged you all the way here just to lecture you?” Seonghwa raised a brow as he gave him an amused look.
Hongjoong looked back with a confused look, “ Then why did you drag me here? Was it just a chance for you to get away from this event?”
Seonghwa walked past him and headed towards the window, the moon illuminating his skin in hair and almost making him glow, “ Maybe you do have some magic because I don’t know why, but you have been compelling me all on your own.”
Hongjoong slowly walked towards him but kept some distance, “ What does that even mean? Whatever you have to say, just say it.”
Seonghwa never turned around, “ I’ve developed some feelings for you.”
It was silent. No sound was made as they both stood in the same spot. Seonghwa expected this type of reaction and silence, so it took the silence to elaborate more.
“ I don’t know when it started, but I can be honest enough to say that I have developed some type of feelings for you. Maybe it started when I watched how caring and nurturing you were with Estal and Elva and how much they genuinely adored you. I was worried about you manipulating them, but they seem smitten with you. Most people don’t like them because of their mother, but they’re innocent in that matter.”
Hongjoong quietly walked over as Seonghwa continued to talk, just listening to the words that came out of his mouth.
“ Then I started to notice the little reactions and thoughts I would have about you. I didn’t think I could do it after stopping the last time I had feelings for someone. But then you came along, stealing from me in broad daylight and slowly stealing away my heart before I even knew it.” Seonghwa turned slightly to see Hongjoong just a couple of inches behind him.
The prince turned to face him, “ I came over there not because I knew you were in danger. I originally came over there cause my heart couldn’t stand the image of you smiling at someone else. I nearly shattered a glass when it ran through my mind. Like I couldn’t allow it and that’s out of character for me.”
Seonghwa could sense it. His honesty was overwhelming Hongjoong and that’s not what he wanted at all. He could feel and see how tense he was as he stood there.
“ I’m not asking you to recuperate my feelings. I threatened you into staying here and I can’t blame you for hating me. I…I just wanted to get these words off my chest. Don’t feel inclined to return them. You have my word on that.”
Hongjoong finally looked up at him, “ I don’t hate you.”
“ You don’t?”
“ I don’t. Everything you did was logical, especially after what I’ve done. I just don’t know how to take someone saying they ‘care’ for me.” Hongjoong walked towards the window, looking out at the moon-casted town as Seonghwa watched him.
“ Did you not come from a loving home?” Seonghwa asked as he saw Hongjoong frowned at first before giving a smile.
Hongjoong pressed his hand to the glass, “ In the end, my mother cared the most about just one other person and me. So in a sense, yes, I did. But I’ve never had someone admit having feelings for me. I just don’t know how to respond.”
“You don’t have to. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.” Seonghwa gently placed a hand on his shoulder and was happy that he didn’t tense up from it.
“ You sure?”
“ I swear on it.”
Hongjoong turned around to face him. They both stared down at each other, but Seonghwa’s eyes glanced down to his lips before forcing himself to look away, “ What is it?”
Seonghwa shook his head, “ I don’t want to ask that of you. I can’t ask that from you.” He was speaking more to himself and was about to ramble until Hongjoong gripped his chin and made him look back at him.
“ What did you want to ask me?” Hongjoong’s voice was as firm as it could be as he looked up into those ocean eyes of his.
Seonghwa stares for a while longer before letting out a sigh, “ Can I kiss you?”
Hongjoong was hesitant as he twiddled with his thumbs, “ I haven’t kissed anyone before...”
“ Then maybe you shouldn’t waste that on me. I just wanted to ask.” Seonghwa turned around and started heading towards the door, “ You can stay here until the party ends. I must head back to-”
“ It wouldn’t be a waste….” Hongjoong shifted on his heels
Seonghwa stopped, “ That’s not a yes. I’m no creep. I won’t do anything to you unless you give me a solid yes.”
“ That’s embarrassing for me to say!”
“ Embarrassing to want consent?” Seonghwa raised a blonde brow and Hongjoong grew quiet. He took the silence as an answer and as his hand reached the doorknob.
“Please!”
Seonghwa looked back at the man and noticed the faint blush on his face.
“ You...you can kiss me.”
Hongjoong listens to Seonghwa’s footsteps as he walked towards him again. “ Look at me.” He heard Seonghwa’s voice as he slowly looked up at him. “ Are you sure about this?”
Hongjoong hasn’t felt this nervous before. He wasn’t being pressured into anything. He had complete and utter control of this situation, and as much as he was worried about this, he found himself wanting it as well. “ I am, but you might have to guide me.”
Seonghwa gently tilts his face up and Hongjoong’s eyes looked up at him, “ You can tell me to stop at any time.”
Hongjoong nodded as Seonghwa slowly closed the distance between them. His eyes fluttered close when he felt his breath against his lips. He knew he could probably hear his heart pound. Seonghwa stroked his cheek with his thumb as his lips pressed to his.
His lips were soft against his. Hongjoong felt himself relax as Seonghwa pulled back slightly, opening his own eyes, and found Seonghwa staring back at him. They were quiet as they looked back at each other before Hongjoong leaned forward and Seonghwa leaned back in to kiss him again.
Seonghwa moved his lips slowly, so Hongjoong could learn how to kiss. Hongjoong tried his best to follow him, steadily getting better as Seonghwa cupped his face. Hongjoong found himself slowly reaching up to grip his shoulders. He relaxed more as he started to kiss him with a bit more force, catching Seonghwa off guard a bit.
He pulled away to look at Hongjoong, panting a bit as before speaking, “ Maybe...that’s enough for now.”
“ B-but…”
“ I’m afraid that I’ll do something more if we keep going, so let’s not continue this.” Seonghwa put some more space in between the two.
“ I want to keep going, though.” Hongjoong found a small amount of confidence as he looked at him and Seonghwa gave him an unreadable look.
“ Don’t say something like that to me. I’m trying to have some self-control. Don’t do this because of me admitting my feelings. What you're doing is more than enough. Don’t feel pressured to do anything with me.” Seonghwa's voice was harsh sounding, but Hongjoong wasn’t offended by it.
“ I’m not asking you to have self-control. I want more too. I’m not pressured. I feel comfortable and relaxed right now. I have the confidence right now to say this out loud, so don’t let it go to waste.” Hongjoong stared at him with flushed cheeks before slowly walking to the bed and sitting on it, “ I’ll tell you to stop if I have to. Just make sure your self-control is as good as you say it is.”
Seonghwa gave him a look before walking to him, standing in front of him, slowly pushing his body down on the bed and hovering above. Seonghwa could see how relaxed he was and could sense how confident he was in his choices right now. He feels hesitant, despite Hongjoong giving him all the consent he would need. His fingers flexed beside his head, and now he felt his heart pound. It was only when Hongjoong gently grabbed his wrist, forcing him to look at him.
“ It’s alright. I told you it’s okay. Don’t chicken out on me now, or I’ll feel silly about all this.” Hongjoong gave him an awkward chuckle as he reached to cup his face and brings him closer to him.
Seonghwa closed his eyes for a split second before looking back at him with a soft smile, “ Don’t go regretting this in the morning, Kim Hongjoong.”
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Tagging: @atiny-piratequeen @gettin-a-lil-hanse @queen-of-himbos @jacksons-goddess-gaia @kimnamshiks
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©atiny-dazzlinglight 2021. do not repost, translate, or use my works without permission
#kdiarynet#8makes1teamnet#kpopficsnetwork#dee writes#red strings of fate#RSF CH.3#ateez fic#ateez fanfic#ateez ot8 fic#hongjoong oneshot#seonghwa oneshot#yunho oneshot#yeosang oneshot#san oneshot#mingi oneshot#wooyoung oneshot#jongho oneshot#ateez oneshot
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D&D Quotes Without Context
Ravenloft, Hazlan Arc, part 5
"It’s cool. They stole it."
"And you know this how?"
"Magic."
“90% of Ravenloft deaths are mysterious vanishings.”
"Why does everything come out covered in glitter and … is that …"
"Lube. I’ve got a few theories."
"Please don’t share them."
OOC: This is a plan that ends with Strahd having fewer brides, his castle is in flames, and he’s lost his cape.
OOC: Our team consists of a horny pyromancer, a gnome who can fillete you in five seconds, an HP lovecraft protagonist with actual magic backing them up, a literal slab of iron with a face, and a guy with a "I went to the eternal city of Ryleth and all I got was PTSD and this lousy T shirt".
Gorbash smashing his shield into their face: "Have! You! Considered! Therapy!"
OOC: Good news is you guys will no longer be the most conspicuous guys at the masquerade now.
Jonni: Challenge accepted!
"Nyx, the bounty on stealing his fake mustache is still on."
"Lets see, gonna make Jonni Deathlock six, gonna make the cleric a Huecuva, the Dragonborn a skeleton warrior, make a wight with the gnome.... I don't think I can make an undead with the big guy but pretty sure Hazlik wants him personally."
Gorebash is offended. "I beat the shit out of the witch-slaying sentient hammer that was trying to gank you and all I merit is a Skeleton Warrior! That hurts Nima. I expect CR3 or better or I'm taking my corpse business elsewhere."
"I'm not powerful enough to make you a death knight, Sorry."
Jonni: "Wow, Hazzy, you need better minions. We should kill her."
OOC: Point is, if you can make liches or Death knights, Hazlik's already killed you and written his name over your grad thesis.
Jonni: "NOPE! No fey queens. Not after last time! Well… maybe just a few times…"
“Hey, I need to ask for some magic stuff, but also I need an outfit for a royal dinner. Something that says, I’m an ostentatious adventurer visitor to your lands, but also that I plan to spending this dinner in the cloak room with one or more of the serving maids.”
As it is most gauche to appear before a darklord with a warpick sized hole in the middle of one's chest.
"... This place has made green things seem ominous to me."
"A giant beanstalk, this is the most unique wizard's tower I've ever seen."
On that note you also notice behind the Beanstalk is what seems like a huge lagoon of bubbling green ooze.
Edmund leans to the side to get a good look...
Several zombies are working tossing corpses into it, as the corpses hit the ooze they dissolve into it.
Edmund leans back to get a less good look before knocking.
"Since he hopefully can't hear us, Your boss is kind of a self absorbed egomaniac... if he didn't have so power I'm sure someone would have thrown a brick at him by now."
“I know where we can find bricks.”
"Supply of Bricks is not the issue, Jonni."
“Everyone says that until the revolt starts. Pays to be prepared.”
“That explains it. You’re about the research, your boss is about applied power of dickery.”
“I hung around a magic school once to let the grad students study me for their thesis.”
“Oh, good fascist wizards. Why can’t we kill him again?”
"Phenomenal cosmic power."
"Oh crud, the ooze someone merged some of the corpses together and brought them back to life as a new being. At least that is my wild guess as to what happened here."
Willow blinks. "Um, this is unprecedented."
“Nah, but usually you need lighting and some grave robbing.”
"I mean I grew a toe out of corn." Willow says, "Its not that far fetched."
"You think, therefore you are. Freedom is your right."
“Weird, that magic red self driving wagon I met once said something similar.”
"The Elder Brain will deal with you eventually. You will never escape it."
“Clan chief told me that the day I stole his mammoth after he found me with his daughter. Pretty sure that loser is still freezing his tiny grimbas off on fuck-stick mountain.”
at supper, to Mama: "I am forbidden from your kitchen for good reason, but I may require your assistance with my culinary dark arts for the feast."
Mama gives you a dirty look. "Who are you trying to kill?"
"Not kill, on purpose anyway, just a severe enough food coma."
"Yes, I already reminded the others we can't fake our deaths again."
"Yeah that only works so often," Sergei says.
Edmund lost a perfectly good watch that day.
OOC: THE FUCKING LENG FOLK HAVE UFOS! MOTHER-FUCKERS!
"Plus we owe you for sending the Sullivans our way. That was a well paying job."
"Yeah, except I got those fleas on me and hallucinated I was a pawn broker sign. That was a weird afternoon."
As side effect of the dark cookery, Marshal's armor is well-oiled throughout the day, though Mama insists he be kept away from Jonni or pregnant women.
...you can see ominous black clouds of smoke coming from the wagon all that day. The rats and roaches circling it with anticipation.
With the occasional black speech of "Double it."
Mama comes rushing out after a bit, holding a rag on her face.
"That.. is very ominous."
“We’re gonna have to cast this back into the fires of its creation eventually.”
"Marshal may serve the gods, but when he cooks he's channeling Asmodeus himself."
OOC: The meal must be cast into the deep fryers of Mount McDoom. Only there can it be unmade.
Marshal's player: *rolls natural 20 on cooking check*
GM: Congradulations, it's edible.
Marshal: "It...is done..."
"By all that is holy..."
The chocolate is so dark, light cannot escape it’s surface. 50 pounds of butter per square inch.
OOC: It occurs to me this is basically a more fucked up retelling of Snow White.
“Gor, going with plan C cup. You know what I like if he starts thinking he’s cute by offering choices of rewards.”
"Try not to do anything that requires a rescue."
Marshall is clearly trying to spontaneously multiclass into psionics the way he's trying to vaporize Hazlik with his stare.
"I will draw."
Hazlik smiles, places the cards before you, then steps the hell back.
Jonni pat Edmunds shoulder and shakes his hand. “It’s been okay knowing you. You were one of the least dickish dudes I ever met. And part of a select few I didn’t want to punch in the balls.”
“You will. Briefly. That’s a promise from Jonathana, She Who Makes Torches of Men. Daughter of Eloise Wolf Slayer, outcast of the Mammoth Tribe, and consort of the 37th Princess of Fuck Mountain.“
OOC: Nima is someone we can actively reach to strangle to death. Dark lords are a bit out of choking range.
OOC: But.... and this is important: Will Edmund ever get pants?
OOC: Strahd will consider it.
OOC: Like this is the dark powers going "He looked at me crossways, PUT HIM N THE HOLE."
OOC: If Ravenloft is a jail/prison, this is the equivalent of getting thrown in solitary confinement.
OOC: Without pants.
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WIP: Chills (T, Modern AU)
Summary:
A grieving mother finds herself confronting the shadows of her guilt, the long overdue failing of her marriage and memories of the one who could have been the moment they wheeled in an injured soldier from Marley straight into her operating room. The day she saved the life of Vice Commander Braun of Marley’s prized Titan unit was also the day he saved her own lost soul in return.
More often, memories may be lost forever but the heart never lies. He still makes shivers dance down her spine heading down to her feet just like he used to do twelve years ago and his heart still beats as hard for her the same way. Even when he can’t ever remember why. ReinerxMikasa. Modern + SnK HighSchool (Attack on High School Caste) AU.
Ship(s): Reiner x Mikasa (ReiKasa)
AU: Love Like This
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Snippet:
June 9, Present Year
Trost Military Hospital, Paradis
The sounds of her boots stepping hurriedly on the polished floors resonated against the clean, white walls of the hallways in hollowed echoes. A voice caught her dead in her tracks as soon as she turned into the corner leading into the more secluded operations wing of the hospital’s main building.
“Good afternoon, Dr. Jeager?” A young man, who seemed to be waiting anxiously near the entrance to the operating theatre DM05, approached her as soon as she came into his view. From his security tag and the embroidered emblem on his coat, it was very apparent that he is the personnel from Marley that she’s supposed to be liaising with on the emergency procedure she was called in for.
After quite some time, she casually corrected this stranger’s greeting underneath her breath. “It’s actually Dr. Ackerman now.”
“I’m sorry?” Perplexed, the man, still apologized for his potential blunder yet his tone remained polite despite the obvious confusion in his tone. “Also, I'm very sorry, I might have a misguided notion that the famous neurosurgeon in Paradis would be a--”
She turned her head to the side. “Some old, bearded guy with a bad sense of humor?” She couldn’t hold back the untimely humor laced with cynical sarcasm within her own voice.
She could see the other young man began to swallow a metaphorical knot nervously down his own throat and his trickling sweat didn’t help her observation either. “You’re not wrong actually. The original Dr. Jeager, my foster father, had been the famous one. Not me.”
“I’m sorry, Dr. Jeager, I mean Ackerman. I got confused.”
“No harm done.” Even she would be confused at her own status. She shook her head, dismissing her own earlier persistence in wanting to be addressed with her own maiden name again. A stranger doesn’t need to know her personal issues or the status of her marriage.
But she really needed to sort this shit out with the administration before more people get confused.
Nevertheless, she prompted for the attending personnel to continue his words.
“Thank you so much for scrubbing in. I’m Marcus Daniels, the attending physician for the patient. We apologize for this short notice but since it’s summer break, all of our neurosurgeons are away for volunteering or break. Rest assured, we have received the signed disclaimer from the patient’s next of kin, his mother, along with the referral from Marley’s Military Hospital. The paperwork has been received by the administration. We’re good to proceed with the emergency procedure.”
The raven-haired woman shook her head, disregarding the standard same ‘ole assurance from the Medical Officer who was tasked to accompany the Marleyan patient currently in between life and death on that table inside her Operation Theatre. Her patients’ lives take precedence before any incidents that could warrant a potential lawsuit. She gestured for the MO to follow suit as she put on the green scrubs and surgical cap available inside the prep room. “Walk with me, Daniels. Give me a brief of the patient. How long ago was the initial contact?”
“Male, 31, a military vet from Marley’s prized Special Ops Unit. The reported time of the initial impact was twelve hours ago. Patient’s BP is stable, X-ray did not display any shrapnels, bullet’s still in one piece but the bleeding unfortunately, had begun to spread to the patient’s medial temporal lobe since six hours ago….and...well….”
They stopped short just in front of the door that leads to the main wash area of the operating room. Her nose picked up the overwhelming scent of industrial disinfectant coming from behind that door. Her eyes leered back at the MO, her forehead creased in reaction to the other man’s trailing words. She did not like that tone or even the single last word of his sentence at all. “What is it?”
“Ma’am, the First Response team had to perform an emergency resuscitation and this could not be just an on-site training incident. There was an excessive amount of Paxil together with alcohol from the patient’s digestive tract. Patient was under the influence right before he went in to support the unit’s rookie training. Bloodwork confirmed this.” The young man, who looked like he’s only several years younger than she is, could only shook his head in absolute empathy.
Paxil and liquor are a deadly mix. The patient must have been aware of his own prescriptions. There was an immediate flash of concern upon her face before she pressed for a confirmation to her impulsive suspicion; asking, “C-PTSD? ‘Intentional’ incident?” She couldn’t possibly be discreet if she’s dealing with more than just the life of a war veteran on the line. An unstable patient with self-harming tendencies requires a much delicate approach especially if the injuries sustained by the patient would require a full invasive craniotomy to stop the source of bleeding from the bullet.
The MO shook his head in return. “We can’t rule that out or in yet without looking into the patient’s psych eval records. Those files are sealed by the Psychiatric unit in Marley, Dr. Jea-Ackerman. We’d need a referral from your Psychiatrist here to access those files after for the patient's recovery.”
“There’s no time to waste then.” There was a short pause in her words as she pressed a digital button on the room’s intercom system. “Nurse Rheinberger, Dr. Ackerman in OT-DM05. Code Blue. Requesting assistance to page Dr. Ian Dietrich, Psychiatry to support emergency neurosurgery a.s.ap. Over.”
She turned her head back to the young MO and inquired as a formality, even though she was very aware that the patient had been placed under anesthesia. “Patient’s name?”
“Uhm…” Daniels flipped open the paper folder in his hands and read the patient’s name out loud. “Braun, Reiner.”
She stopped dead in her tracks, her heart skipped not one but two immediate beats and she could feel it hitting hard against her chest. “Come again?”
“Reiner Braun, Dr. Ackerman. No middle name.”
There are a lot of people with the same name. “Birthdate?” It’s just not possible.
“August 1, 19xx.”
Her hands stood frozen against the door of the operation theater. From where she stood, she could see the motionless body hooked on multiple wires connecting to a life support system on top of her operation table from between the clear glass screens.
“Doctor?”
She looked back at the other man but not before blinking back the shock-induced tears gathered inside her eyelids. “Please get Dr. Dietrich here. Now. It would be against my protocol to operate on a patient with past or existing personal attachments without a senior physician’s supervision.”
“You know the patient?”
“Yes…He was...” Her words trailed unfinished, which only roused the other person’s curiosity although it was none of his business. “Just go. NOW.”
“Sorry, sorry!” The man quickly disappeared behind the main door in a flash leaving her behind with a much needed space and air to breathe.
Oh my God, Reiner. What happened to you?
She rushed towards the faucet and hurriedly splashed her face with the cold water just so she could hide the stubborn tears already running down her cheeks.
Out of all the times, why now? Why here? Why do their paths cross again after six years - with him; his life barely hanging on a thread right now on her very own operating table?
She can’t fuck this up. Never had she ever did before, but never had she ever performed a procedure on someone she personally knew. There are just too many reasons why and too little time for her to be caught in another mulling.
#WIP Wednesday#AO3 fic#Chills#by NightDuchess#snk fic#aot fic#modern au#ReiKasa#reiner x mikasa#reiner braun#mikasa ackerman#ReiKasa fic#ReiKasa Modern AU
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after the cbt post I'm really unsure if I even want to apply for counselling now
the whole point of looking for therapy was to get help but if it makes things worse then maybe I should just carry on trying to do it myself?
I don't fuckin know
that was meant to be my out for feeling like this what the fuck do I do now
Like. First off this is about CBT, not about counseling generally, which has been really useful once I've found the right process. I don't know if you're in the UK or not, but while accessing NHS counseling hasn't always been easy and it took a while to find the right fit, when I did get a counselor and approach that fit my needs it jumped my healing forwards by miles, it really can be a lifesaver (plus tbh if you're really deep in the doldrums, it can help just by giving you some structure and space). Don't stop looking for counseling because it absolutely can make a huge positive difference, I don't know where I'd be without the counseling I got from the rape crisis center and the NHS. There's a lot of types of therapy/counselling out there and what works for you isn't something I can predict - for me what I've reacted to best is freeform talk therapy, but other people find that really hard to engage with and prefer more structured or theoretical therapies, and the NHS offer a lot of different ones (they just tend to jump to CBT first).
So, beyond that; some people do find CBT really helpful. But the way the NHS specifically uses CBT is outside its recommended use, which is treatment for OCD, BPD, anxiety and some PTSD symptoms (although not PTSD itself). The NHS basically uses it as a first stop for pretty much all mental health patients as far as I can tell (because, as I say, it's cheap and easy to apply) so, much like most people with MH problems I know have been on Citalopram (which is their first stop SSRI), most people I know with MH problems have been to CBT sessions. And with that range of problems, most of them won't find what they need in CBT, which, again, despite how it's currently used, is not designed as a general purpose treatment but specifically to help manage repetitive thought and behaviour patterns.
For some people, managing thought and behaviour patterns is what they need, at least temporarily. My partner found it very helpful to keep him out of breakdown territory during a hard time, and so have several friends I know (seems to have positive impacts particularly on friends diagnosed with BPD bc BPD diagnostic criteria, which focus on intense reaction and toxic thought spirals, line up really well with what CBT is designed to help with).
I think the way in which it's harmed me and others isn't the actual treatment, but the fact that it's treated as if it Should Work and that can make you feel way worse if everyone tells you 'CBT and mindfulness is a magic cure that fixes all your brain problems' and then it. doesn't. because your specific problem isn't what is designed to fix. and I think that harm is mitigated by knowing that a) what works for you is highly personal even within diagnoses, b) at the time you get CBT you probably don't have a concrete diagnosis beyond Something Ain't Right and c) CBT, even when it's right for you, isn't meant to be the end point.
CBT is, specifically, a stop-gap. It's meant to help you keep going with your life while you sort stuff out. Again, because of budget reasons the NHS kind of hope that your problems won't be too bad so that CBT will give you a good enough stable starting point to sort your own shit out without further support, which does work for some people, but for most of us CBT should be part of a larger treatment journey if used at all. CBT is a bandage - it doesn't close the wound, but where it works it stops you bleeding out long enough to either get to a hospital or for your body to heal itself.
I'm not going to lie to you - for a lot of us, getting through to the point where we're accessing the right treatment can be a slog. And because of how the NHS works, it can mean going to CBT, finding it doesn't work for you, and gritting your teeth through a six session course so you can go back to your doctor and say 'see, this didn't work for me and the CBT people agree, what else ya got?' My partner's just sat through 14 sessions of group therapy he found extremely stupidly designed specifically because sometimes that's what you gotta do to get referred on for one-on-one talk therapy, which is what he actually needs.
Like I say, the harm comes when you're made to feel like you're failing therapy. You don't fail therapy. Therapy that isn't working just isn't the right setup for you for whatever reason and that's not a flaw in you, there is no universal catchall therapeutic method. It's always going to be trial and error and if you are able to hold in mind that you're not Bad for finding a counseling style or methodology unhelpful, off-putting or alienating, then badly-fitted therapy shouldn't be nearly as harmful as trying to struggle on manfully alone.
The hardest but most rewarding part for me was the process of learning that I could just say 'this isn't working for me because XYZ, can we try a different approach' and...nothing bad would happen. I wouldn't lose my access to counseling and nobody shouted at me, and when I said 'this isn't working can we change it'...things got better. I was having an absolutely shit and frustrating time with my NHS counselor, I was finding going to counseling a huge stress, and after stewing for a couple of weeks I blew up and said 'I don't like this, this or this, I feel talked down to when you do this, I don't feel like you're listening to me about this, and this thing you're doing keeps making me feel worse' and he got defensive. but he also. changed his practise immediately. and we ended up having a really fantastic and productive 6 months of counseling and I am in private therapy now but I keep referring back to the work he and I did together because it was so useful for me.
So like the takeaways for me are a) know that the fact that this counseling might suck for you doesn't mean counseling in general won't be helpful, there's always going to be some trial and error to find the right fit, b) if it does suck, don't suffer in silence, tell them! if you're sitting there hating it, they're not getting anything out of that either so just let them know that you're uncomfortable, finding it hard to engage, etc (I know this can be really hard and I know for me I only started being able to push back when I was already a couple of years into my treatment journey but do what you can do to communicate your fears) and c) when it works it works.
Getting counseling that works is a journey. It can be wearing and esoteric and a pain in the ass, and sometimes you just don't click with a therapy and sometimes you just don't click with the counselor, but it is absolutely worth pushing through the bullshit because a) change often happens gradually while you're not looking and b) finding a concept who works for you absolutely can change your life super fast. It took me a couple of tries but when I found a counselor and approach that worked for me I managed within 16 sessions to get out of my house, to get a job I liked for the first time, to go out and meet people for the first time in a city I'd been in for 3 years, and to cut out a lot of the people who were making my life unsafe. It's so worth it but it is a journey that takes time and trial and error, so the sooner you start the sooner you're likely to get somewhere that helps you.
#sorry i went on a lot here i just#i need you to know that counseling is a really broad field and just because one form of counseling might not work for you#doesn't mean it's all useless#you just need to find the right fit for where you're at#and it's extremely worth doing#it doesn't feel like it's getting better all at once#I'm sorry but if you go in with that hope it'll hit you hard#when you find the right fit it'll feel like change is so painfully incremental and slow#but one day you'll suddenly realise you're happier than you've been in years#everyone i know who's been in counseling that's felt productive has had that experience in the first year or so of going#WAIT FUCK IS THIS WHAT NORMAL FEELS LIKE?#like idk if you have SAD but i get this feeling every spring 'wow have i just been miserable for six months wtf? is this what happy is?'#and the healing process feels like that on a larger scale like day to day you barely notice a difference but you look back after a year#and think 'i don't remember what it felt like to never feel like anything would be good again' and you go WAIT!#THAT WAS THE COUNSELING! TFW THERAPY HITS!!!#like there are times it can feel like a slog or like REALLY PAINFUL#the first 6 months i was in therapy i cracked open like an egg i went everywhere i basically had a full on breakdown#but after i came out the other side i was like WAIT FUCK I SEE SUNLIGHT I CAN FEEL JOY AGAIN#and the way you can tell imo is. do you dread counseling sessions? or are you desperate to get to them?#bc. some pain is getting punched and some is relocating a joint. it's needed pain and you know as it's happening that it's needed.#so if it sucks also. think about why it sucks and how you feel about it.#does counseling make you bored angry anxious or frustrated? might not be the right fit#does it feel like cracking open a dam and getting swamped? you might just be going through the pain phase of healing
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Muffled Screams
@lire-casander, happy birthday!! I hope you had an amazing day. I really meant to post this early enough for you to actually see it today, but I’ve only got a minute to spare till midnight, so that’s a bust :D I still hope you like it!
This is set sometime after season 1, ignoring season 2 (domestic Malex with emotional h/c and fluff).
Michael wakes up with a start, to the sound of muffled screams. He sighs internally, forbidding himself from turning in bed to face Alex. It's the second time this night, and it's not even four yet. He stays very still until Alex's panting subsides, giving him a minute to compose himself before he yawns and stretches, finally turning.
“Hey,” he murmurs, seeing Alex's open eyes staring at him. “You're awake.”
“So are you,” Alex points out. For a moment, Michael wonders if he's betrayed himself, but Alex just runs a hand down his bare shoulder. “It's early. You should go back to sleep.”
Michael nods, slowly. He almost wants to say something, to tell Alex that he knows what woke him up, but he doesn't.
He is lost. He's been living with Alex for almost eight weeks now, and things have been going surprisingly well. He half expected to have trouble adjusting, after years of being on his own in his trailer, or that Alex would feel crowded, or that they would have the same trouble communicating that have held them back for so long, but none of that happened.
That's not to say that it has been easy. Alex maintains a strict schedule even on his days off that clashes with Michael's need to sleep in. Michael is about as far from domestic as anyone could be, and neither of them can really cook. Suddenly being squished together in the same house, after so many years apart, has been difficult in many way, and not the least because they both agreed not to allow themselves to fall into bed instead of talking about things. Which they haven't been all that successful at.
But globally, it's going great. There has been no talk of taking a step back, of Michael going back to his trailer even for a few nights, though he made it clear that he's ready to do so. He knows Alex probably wouldn't ask him to leave even if he needed him to, at least not frontally, but he hasn't been getting this kind of vibe from him at all.
There's just one bump in the road.
Michael doesn't know exactly why he keeps pushing back the moment when they'll have to address it. He wants to give Alex time, and space to deal with this, he tells himself. The first few nights, Michael freaked out when he woke up to Alex's screams, and Alex seemed more shaken by his panic than by his own nightmares. Nightmares that left him terrified and panting, and rarely let him go back to sleep.
After the third night, Alex stopped screaming and started biting his pillow. It still woke Michael up, but that's when he started to pretend to sleep, instead of making Alex feel guilty. He always meant to address it at some point, when they were both awake and in a good mental place during the day, but he never found the right moment. And now it has gone from once a night to twice or three times, and Michael can't take it anymore.
Either Alex's PTSD is somehow getting worse, or Michael's presence is keeping him from using whatever coping mechanism he needs. Michael needs to talk to him.
He just dreads the moment so much. The way Alex looked at him after waking him up those first nights, that haunted, horrified gaze, he never wants to see that on Alex's face again.
He'll talk to Alex today, he decides. It's Sunday, they have nowhere to be, and all Michael has planned is repairing the leak in the gutter behind the house. There's no rain on the forecast for at least a week, so it can wait if needed.
Michael turns around in bed and drapes an arm around Alex, casually. Alex is still rigid with tension, his skin clammy. Michael doesn't show him that he's noticed, and he yawns, closing his eyes.
*
Alex is already up when Michael wakes up again. Michael pats the bed to find his side cold, though it's only six. Alex isn't the kind to sleep in, ever. Michael found that out when he moved in.
Getting up sleepily, wearing only a pair of boxers, Michael runs a hand through his hair and walks out of the bedroom, and into Alex's office next door. Alex is sitting on a small bench in the corner he's set up for his daily physical therapy, his crutches propped up on the wall behind him.
“Morning! I was ready to go shower, but you can go first if you want,” he tells Michael, far too enthusiastically for this time of the day.
“No,” Michael yawns. “Need coffee first.”
“Let me,” Alex says, standing up and grabbing one crutch. He hops over to the kitchen, on the other side of the corridor, to fill what's become Michael's mug with coffee. Accepting it, Michael wonders how he can be so cheerful early in the morning with how badly he seems to sleep.
“Thank you,” he nods, yawning again.
He busies himself with making breakfast while Alex is in the shower. Alex comes back out a while later, with a towel around him and nothing else, to get dressed and put on his prosthesis. Michael can't help staring.
“You see something you like?” Alex asks, amused.
They've been going slow in that department, too, but not so slow that they've been chaste while sleeping in the same bed for two months.
Michael puts their plates on the kitchen table and sits down. “Yes,” he tells Alex, watching him put on clothes through the open door of their bedroom. “But you got up far too early again, so no morning sex for you.”
“We could go back to bed,” Alex offers.
“Maybe later,” Michael says. He takes a deep breath. “I, uh, I want to talk to you about something.”
He should have waited until Alex was here with him, because Alex visibly tenses in the middle of putting on socks, sitting on the bed. “What is it?” Alex asks cautiously.
“Over breakfast. Finish what you're doing first.”
But it's certainly a mood killer. Alex slips on his pants as fast a he can, and comes out of the bedroom barefoot, even though Michael knows he hates walking directly on his prosthesis.
“Tell me,” he demands, sitting down across from Michael. He doesn't even look at the food.
“You're still having nightmares,” Michael says.
Alex closes off immediately. Michael knew this conversation wouldn't be smooth, but he really hoped to avoid an all-out fight. “I'm not criticizing you or complaining,” he clarifies. “On the contrary. But I'm worried.”
Once again, it's the wrong thing to say. Alex grits his teeth looks away, staring through the window. “I'm sorry for waking you up,” he says.
“No, no, this isn't about that. I want to help, Alex. I want to wake up for you. I want to hold you and comfort you. I just want you to talk to me.”
Alex works his jaw for a moment. His eyes dart around−Michael clocks the brief stop on the fridge, where Alex has pinned up his therapist's anxiety checklist−and he takes a breath. “Okay,” he says. “But I don't think I can do it right now.” He pauses and licks his lips. “I need to think about it, and I need to be more rested so I don't get automatically defensive.”
Michael feels a rush of pride at Alex, clearly communicating his needs instead of clamming up, so strong that he nearly tears up. It's the hard work in therapy paying up. “I'll be there when you're ready,” he says.
Alex manages a small smile. “Thank you.”
*
Michael purposefully gives Alex some space all morning, by fixing the leaking gutter on his own. It's done faster than he counted on, so he goes ahead and cleans the whole gutter at well, going around the house with his ladder. He can't use his powers here, not more than a touch of them when he feels the ladder move under him, so he does everything by hand. It feels good, keeps him from worrying about the conversation to come.
It's almost lunch time when he finishes. He carefully puts his ladder and his tools away−a concession to Alex's tidiness, because Michael is more of an organized-chaos kind of person. As he goes to wash his hands in the bathroom, he expects to find Alex either at his desk or at the piano with his headphones on, but he's not there. Instead, his laptop is gone. Michael frowns and dries his hands.
The bedroom door is ajar, and sure enough, Alex is on the bed, his laptop beside him. Only he's not using it. Alex is curled up on his side, his head on his arm, like sleep came over him suddenly. His leg is in its usual spot by his nightstand, but he hasn't bothered to pin his pant leg up, so he didn't expect to stay without for long. One earbud is still in his right ear, while the other has fallen on the bed. Michael's heart melts at how adorable Alex looks in his sleep.
“'chael?” Alex asks, stirring. Of course. Michael has yet to manage to sneak up on him, whether Alex is awake or not.
“I'm here,” Michael says. “Want some lunch?”
Alex sits up and rubs at his eyes. “Um, sure. Sorry, I fell asleep.”
“You needed it,” Michael smiles. Alex yawns and nods, still looking embarrassed. “Want to cuddle for a bit before I start cooking?”
Alex tilts his head and gives him a small nod, looking strangely vulnerable. Michael kicks off his shoes−he really should have done that at the door−and lies down beside him, setting the laptop aside. Alex snuggles closer and sighs.
“I get scared of falling asleep,” he murmurs. “The nightmares, they just won't stop.”
“Do you want to tell me what's in them?” Michael asks.
“It's not always the same thing. I have plenty of trauma to fuel them. Usually explosions. Sometimes my father. Sometimes you.”
“Me?” Michael frowns. Something like dread settles in his stomach.
“Usually you dying, in Caulfield. I never get you out in time. I'd almost...I'd almost gotten rid of the nightmares, before we went there. Not completely, but they weren't as bad anymore, I knew what to do with them. I don't know if it's the explosion that triggered them, or nearly losing you, or−” he trails off, lost.
Michael closes his eyes in dismay.
“I know you have nightmares of it too,” Alex says. “You lost so much that day. I keep thinking that I made a rookie mistake, going there without proper recon, and it cost you so much.”
“Alex, it wasn't your fault!” Michael exclaims, horrified. He had no idea Alex even felt that way.
“I didn't want to burden you with my guilt,” Alex sighs, as if he hasn't even heard him. “You have enough on your shoulder, and it's selfish of me. But...in the other dreams, you decide that you've had enough of me, or you blame me for my family, or−you leave, every time. And then you die, and it's always because of me.” Alex presses his face against his pillow, a few tears escaping his eyes.
“I didn't want you to know,” he continues. “I guess my brain is just...waiting for the other shoe to drop. For you to realize that I'm not worth it.”
“Alex, look at me.” Michael gently slips a hand on Alex's shoulder and squeezes. “I will never think that. Maybe we'll fight, probably, it might get rocky at times, but I will never thing you're not worth it. I didn't once, in the ten years you were gone. Why would I start now?”
“Because I think I'm not worth it?” Alex offers.
“Well you're wrong. I'm here to stay, okay? You are worth everything to me.”
Michael's hand hasn't left Alex shoulder. Alex makes a little sound, midway between a sob and a whimper, and brings their forehead together. “I love you,” he murmurs. “I want to be the person you deserve.”
“You already are. You're already far more than I deserve, Alex. All I want is you, okay. You, as you are. Not some perfect, dream version, you.”
“Okay,” Alex murmurs. “I want you, too. Just you.”
“Will you let me hold you, next time you have a nightmare?” Michael asks, pushing a little because it feels right. “Show you that I'm not going anywhere?”
Alex swallows. “I'll try,” he says. “It's not…sometimes touch doesn't feel right, when it's bad. But I'll try.”
“I don't have to touch you. Just let me be there for you.”
“Okay,” Alex whispers.
Michael runs a finger down Alex's face, slowly. He thinks about getting up to cook, but he feels exhausted. Emotional conversations take a lot out of him. So he doesn't move, cuddling with Alex like he dreamed for ten years he'd get to do one day. He's not going anywhere.
He has everything he wants right here.
#roswell new mexico#alex manes#michael guerin#malex#malex fic#gift#lire-casander#mine#echo's fanfiction#roswell nm
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Strange Comforts
Santiago ‘Pope’ Garcia x OC
Summary: A sequel to ‘Protective Instincts’ and a prequel to ‘Best Laid Plans’ (I wish I could link them here but I’m still figuring that stuff out). With T-minus 10 weeks to go before the baby arrives, Pope discovers that it’s the little things in life that bring the most comfort. *This one’s not based off clarke’s wonderful headcanons, but it’s set in the same universe so that’s where the credit goes!*
Warnings: Pregnancy fic, swearing, references to smut, references PTSD, references to therapy
A/N: Hi everyone! This is part three of who-knows-how-many of my Dad!Pope series. I’m still looking for a series title, and I’m trying to figure out how to create a masterlist for this so I can put them in order for y’all. I hope you enjoy! I loved reading your comments for the last two! Please let me know if you want to be tagged in future installments!
***
“…and, unless someone else wants to share, I think we’ll wrap up for today,” the kind-eyed therapist addressed the group of veterans, shooting a small glance towards Pope out of the corner of his eye.
True to his word, Santiago had been attending group therapy sessions for the last six months, his first session taking place exactly a week after Bex had told him the good news. Will had highly recommended this therapist, having gone to see him himself when his fiancée had left him, and hoped he could shed some light on Pope’s issues so that he wouldn’t walk out on his pregnant girlfriend next time things got hard.
And Pope had been attending the sessions. Listening to what other veterans said, the issues they were going through, it helped. Sure, both Frankie and Will had been fairly vocal about the problems they ran into while trying to adjust to civilian life, and Pope knew that Tom had had massive difficulties when they forced him to retire, and Benny’s issues were plain to see even if he didn’t talk about them, but those were his friends, his brothers, his family. They had all seen the same shit, so, clearly, they would have similar issues. But hearing random strangers, Marines, and Rangers, Navy and Military and Air Force men and women speak about seeing IEDs everywhere, and drinking to forget, and panicking at the sight of blood was…strangely comforting. The only problem was that Pope could never bring himself to speak.
He wanted to. God knew he wanted to. He needed to be okay. For Bex and the baby, for Frankie and Charlie and Mateo, for Benny and Will, for Molly and the girls, and, most importantly, for himself. So he could stop feeling like a major fuck up in every aspect of his life, so he could feel deserving of the life he had inexplicably been blessed with. But whenever he would try to open his mouth, he froze. How could he possibly talk about the shit he had done in the name of freedom? Was there a way to talk about his instincts shutting his emotions down without coming across as a cold-hearted bastard? Why did his tongue stop working whenever he tried to talk about how deathly afraid he was of screwing up this baby’s life, Bex’s life, their life together as a family? How deathly afraid he was that he had already screwed up Frankie’s, Will’s, and Benny’s lives? How he had nightmares of when Tom had died?
Santiago used to think he was a brave man, but now he felt like a coward. He could face down armed sicarios and terrorists without batting an eye, but he couldn’t talk about his emotions to save his family. It was complete and utter bullshit in his mind.
“Alright everyone, I’ll see you next week,” the therapist dismissed the group and Pope shot to his feet, beelining towards the coffee station.
Everyone else stood around talking, chatting about their daily lives or the weather or whatever, but Pope focused on mixing his coffee. He used to take it black, but then Bex started teasing him that only psychopaths took their coffee black, so he started mixing milk and sugar in instead. He liked it, but he needed it to be perfect.
“You actually drink this swill?” the therapist came up behind him and chuckled.
Pope cracked a smile. “I’ve had worse.”
“Haven’t we all,” he murmured. “Question Mark.”
Santiago shook his hand. “Pope.”
“You’re Ironhead’s friend, right?” Pope nodded. “Damn…he’s told me some of the crap you guys have been through. Sounds like holy hell.”
“Something like that, yeah.”
“Shit, man. No wonder you don’t talk during these meetings.”
Pope felt himself flush. “I mean…you know…”
“Hey, it’s fine. This is a no pressure situation. You just had me curious is all. Either you get people who don’t stop talking, or people who never talk in these sessions. But you…you always look like you want to talk but think better of it.”
Pope shrugged. “It’s like you said. Holy hell. Got used to not talking about the bad stuff.”
“So, what changed?”
Pope smiled softly, his eyes taking on a far-off look. “My girl’s pregnant.”
“Congratulations, man,” Question Mark slapped him on the shoulder.
“Thanks…” Pope shook his head slowly, sadly. “I almost screwed it up. Hell, I’m half convinced that I did, and this is all a dream. But when she told me…”
Question Mark was already nodding. “All of your training went haywire? Started imagining the worst?”
Pope cocked his eyebrow grimly. “Basically.”
The therapist nodded understandingly. “I get that. Same thing happened to me when my wife got pregnant with our third. Despite the other two being great kids, something about my last tour made me think that I’d screw the pooch with the new one. Checked myself into a hotel for a few days and drank myself silly until my brother-in-law showed up and told me that my kids were asking about me. That sobered me up pretty quick.”
Pope grinned grimly. “It was my buddy Catfish for me. Called me and reamed me out, and if Ironhead has told you anything about Fish, you know that he’s not the type at all. But it shook me enough to get my ass back to my house and beg for her forgiveness.”
“But you still sometimes think it’s all a dream?”
“I always thought guys like me don’t get the happy ending.” Pope sipped his coffee and shrugged. “But I’ll take it and run with it. She’s the best thing in my life. I’m not gonna let her down again.”
Question Mark smiled and dug into his pocket, pulling out first his wallet, then his card from his wallet. “Listen, Pope. I know how it can feel trying to talk to a room full of strangers. It sucks sometimes. If you ever want to chat, just one on one, give me a call. I’d be happy to help.”
Pope sucked in a deep breath and took the card. “Yeah, man. That would be great. Thank you.”
“No worries, man. Just, do me a favour?” Pope nodded. “Remember that you deserve this, okay?”
With a final clap on the shoulder, Question Mark moved away and began chatting with another member of the group.
Pope guzzled down the rest of his coffee and threw out the cup, heading home after a successful session.
***
Bex giggled to herself at the soft sounds of cursing and arguing emanating from the spare bedroom as she stirred the pitcher of lemonade.
Frankie, Benny and Will had come over to help Pope put together the furniture for the nursery and, based on the echoes she was hearing, it was not going particularly well. She had abandoned her rocking chair in favour of making the team refreshments after Benny had let loose a string of impressive swear words in two different languages. At approximately 30 weeks pregnant, laughing as hard as she did while listening to Ben swear himself blue in the face just made her have to pee, so she dismissed herself knowing that if she didn’t she would have to endure a lifetime of teasing.
“Just a sec!” she called out as the doorbell rang.
Slow and steady footsteps descended the stairs as a call of “I got it, babe!” echoed down the hall. Rebecca came around the corner with her tray of lemonade and potato chips as Pope handed over a few crisp twenty-dollar bills to the pizza delivery guy.
“Thanks man, you have a good day,” he smiled as he closed the door.
“Mmm, what’d you get?” she inhaled deeply. She’d gotten pretty lucky with the cravings so far, but she would not deny that pizza sounded pretty damn good.
“Got us a meat lovers, got you a pepperoni and pineapple since I know you’ve been on a sweet and salty kick lately.” Pope opened the smaller box to reveal the steaming, cheesy pizza and Bex felt her mouth begin to water.
“Have I told you today how much I love you?” she asked, placing her tray of snacks on top of the pizza boxes Pope was holding out to her.
He smirked at her, his eyes drifting up and down her body slowly. “You told me several times this morning, but I’ll never stop you from saying it again.”
Rebecca felt herself flush at the memory. Those second trimester hormones had hit her hard and seemed to be lasting a good long while, and Pope was certainly not complaining. His girl was stunning. She was always stunning to him, but that primal part of his brain told him that she was even more stunning when she had a belly full of his baby. Her bump was prominent, her tits were bigger and more sensitive, her skin was glowing, and that alpha male voice inside his brain crowed every time he woke up to her beautiful face and growing belly that it was all because of him. He had knocked her up and, thank God, she had decided that she loved him enough to want to raise a family with him. She was achy and uncomfortable, but she loved him and wanted his kid, and that meant more to him than he could ever say. Luckily, with the influx of hormones the past few months, he had been able to show her instead.
He watched as she slowly climbed the stairs, taking care to stay a few steps behind her just in case.
“How’s it going up here anyway?”
Pope groaned. “I don’t get it, baby. I can field strip any gun you put in my hands blindfolded. All of us can. How the fuck is this stuff beating us?”
Bex giggled softly as she entered the nursery and absorbed the scene in front of her. What she wouldn’t give for her phone right now so she could take a picture. Benny sat in the middle of the floor, looking like he was about to cry; crib pieces scattered around him. Will was leaning against the wall with a tired hand over his eyes, a half-assembled dresser beside him. Frankie was sitting in her abandoned rocking chair, cap pulled low over his eyes. He looked like he could be asleep, if only his leg wasn’t bouncing up and down anxiously.
“Soups on, fellas,” Pope announced, prompting the team to abandon their projects for paper plates piled high with pizza slices and tall glasses of lemonade.
Bex smiled fondly at her family as Pope, Benny and Will sat against the far wall underneath the bay window, the three men examining the assembly directions for the crib like they were preparing for a siege.
Frankie held out his hand to offer her the rocking chair but she shook her head. “If I sit in that thing any longer, I feel like I’m gonna turn into a grandmother instead of a mom.”
Frankie cracked a small smile. “Fair enough…” he scanned the room quickly before meeting her eyes again. “Do you want me to go grab a chair from the kitchen?”
Again, she shook her head. “The floor is good, Frankie.”
“You sure? I can—”
“As long as you promise to help me up when I inevitably need to pee, I’m positive,” she chuckled.
“You got it, kid,” Frankie held her hands to help her gently lower herself onto the hardwood floor before throwing himself down beside her. “How ya feeling?”
Bex shrugged as she bit into her deliciously sweet and salty slice of pizza. “You know, I’m actually alright. I know I’ve gotten pretty lucky, but I thought this whole pregnancy thing would be a lot tougher.”
Frankie nodded kindly as he chewed on his own slice. “I remember how Charlie was when she was pregnant with Mateo,” he reminisced. “Couldn’t sleep more than ten minutes at a time, constantly had to pee, had to wear these ugly compression socks. She handled it like a champ for the first 30 or so weeks, but by the time he was finally ready to make his entrance, we were both ready for her not to be pregnant anymore.”
“Yeah, she mentioned that,” she murmured. When Frankie had raced over to calm her down after Pope had left, one of the first things he said was that he and Charlie would be there for them, no matter what. And they had been. Charlie in particular had been Bex’s lifeline. She had been so kind and understanding, helping Bex get set up with an OB/GYN, lending her pregnancy and parenting books, and just letting her bitch and cry whenever she needed a female shoulder to cry on. “She said she got to a point where she would’ve given anything to just get Mateo out.”
Frankie nodded. “Oh yeah,” he sighed. “The week before he was born, she was not sleeping. Her emotions were all over the place, she wasn’t hungry, she couldn’t sit still, and she would get angry at me for the littlest things. It got to the point where I didn’t recognize her anymore, you know? Like, where did the woman I love go?”
Bex reached over and rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. “That must’ve been tough.”
Frankie shrugged. “Like I said, she handled it like a champ. And I sure as shit wasn’t about to complain when she was in labor for the better part of three days.”
Bex whistled lowly. “Three days…Jesus…”
“I’m sure it won’t be that way for you,” he backtracked quickly, playing with the back of his cap as he ducked his head. “I dunno the statistics or anything but…”
“Hey, hey, Frankie, chill. It’s okay.” She pulled his hand away from his hat and ran her hand up and down his arm. “You feeling okay, Frankie? You seem…on edge.”
Frankie looked across the room at his brothers, deeply entrenched in the assembly directions, before sighing. “She’s pregnant again,” he whispered.
A bright smile crossed her face. “What? Oh my god, congratulations!” She reached out and wrapped her arms as best she could around his shoulders.
“Thanks…” he sighed.
“Do you…did you not want another baby?” she asked, confused at his dismal attitude. Frankie had been the one to talk Pope off the cliff, telling him how great fatherhood could be. And it was clear through his interactions with Mateo that he was an amazing father. He was one of those dads who flourished under the responsibilities of parenthood, who saw taking care of their child as a joy and a privilege, not as a job or as babysitting. If there was one thing Rebecca knew for sure, it was that Francisco Morales was a family man through and through, so she was a little surprised at the dread in her friend’s eyes. She had expected Frankie to be more…enthusiastic about having a second baby.
“Of course, I do, Bex, I just…” Frankie groaned, doffing his cap for a moment to run a stressed hand through his hair before redonning it. “I’m making jack shit right now at work, and Mateo is almost three, and the pregnancy was so rough on Charlie last time…I just…I can’t let my family down.”
Charlie shuffled herself closer and wrapped her arm around Frankie, leaning her cheek on his shoulder. “You won’t…” she murmured softly. “Yeah, this kid was unexpected but you and I both know your wife. She wouldn’t be having a second kid if she didn’t want one. Plus, you both know what to expect now. Hopefully she’ll have an easier time this go around, but you also know the signs and what kinds of questions to ask. And yeah, Mateo is young, but that’s okay. You guys can start teaching him responsibility early and, if they both end up being too much, call Benny to take Mateo.” Frankie cocked his eyebrow and Bex laughed. “Well, I was gonna say call Santi, but we’re gonna be a little busy ourselves. Benny’s energy can match a three-year-old easily though.” Frankie chuckled and wrapped his arm around his best friend’s girl. “As for money,” Bex shrugged. “I know Santi could use some help managing the security firm. He wanted you to partner with him anyway, and he’s still holding out hope that you’ll join him, so why not?”
Frankie nodded slowly. “I could help him out a couple of days a week and still teach flying lessons. Yeah, that could work. I’ll talk with him and see what he says.”
Bex chuckled as she shifted uncomfortably. “It’s not gonna be much of a conversation, Frankie, trust me. He’s been hoping you’ll take him up on his offer. Don’t tell him I told you, but he’s missed working with you.”
Frankie smiled softly as he watched Pope grab Benny in a headlock while Will shook his head slowly. “Yeah, I missed him too.”
Bex shifted again and Frankie stood, gently helping her stand, recognizing the signs immediately. The two watched the MMA fighter and the security firm director wrestle on the floor for a minute before Will was able to separate them.
Bex turned to Frankie and smiled. “If you really missed him, can you do me a favour?”
“Anything for you, kid,” he smiled back at her.
“Stop fucking around and help them build the damn furniture please. I know you put together all of Mateo’s furniture on your own, so please, put them out of their misery.”
Frankie’s loud bark of laughter startled everyone. He wrapped his arm around Bex and gave her a quick squeeze. “Sure thing, kid. Hey, idiotas! Let’s get moving. We want this stuff ready before the baby’s first birthday, okay?”
***
Pope sighed contentedly as the golden rays of the setting sun illuminated the dust particles dancing in the air. These moments were quickly turning into his favourite nightly ritual.
The radio droned lowly as he sat in bed, dressed in a pair of shorts, with Bex sitting reclined against his chest. He had just finished applying coco butter to her skin, and now his hands were resting gently on her belly, waiting for their kid to make their presence known.
Bex took a deep breath, allowing the air to escape through her lips as she cuddled further down into bed, resting her head just above her boyfriend’s heart. She loved these moments too, when it was just the two of them. No museum breathing down her neck, no art classes to teach, no security emergencies calling him away from her. Just the two of them, bonding with the baby that was nestled safely within her.
Sometimes, Santiago would talk to the baby when they sat like this. He’d tell stories about his childhood, about their relationship, about the kid’s future aunts and uncles. Sometimes, he would play classical music on his phone and direct the speaker towards her belly. Sometimes, he would talk to her, sharing his thoughts and fears, tell her about the things that he wanted to do with their kid when they were old enough. Most of the time, he would just hold her in silence and wait for the kid to kick or roll inside of her so he could feel it.
“The nursery looks really nice, babe,” she mumbled drowsily, wincing slightly as her skin bulged out against Pope’s palm, the outline of a tiny foot appearing for a brief second.
“That’s all you, sweetheart,” he replied, pressing a gentle kiss to her temple as he soothed his hands up and down her swollen stomach. “The Hundred Acre Woods theme is stunning.”
Originally, Rebecca had wanted a jungle theme for the nursery, but Pope had borderline begged her to do something else, literally anything else, that wouldn’t remind him of crouching in the Colombian jungles next to Tom the day before everything went to shit. So, he hadn’t complained when she announced that she was going to Disney-fy the kid’s room with a mural of the Hundred Acre Woods and all of Christopher Robin’s friends.
“I made it pretty, you made it functional,” she yawned, shifting slightly to lie on her side, her left arm wrapping around his side as she nuzzled into his chest.
Pope snorted. “Yeah, once you convinced Frankie to stop being a prick.”
Under Frankie’s direction, all of the furniture was put together in less than an hour. The solid oak crib, dresser/changing table, shelving unit and rocking chair pulled the room together nicely, and the white bassinet sat in the corner of their bedroom, waiting to be put to use.
Rebecca smiled sleepily. “Not my fault you three didn’t notice that the one dad in the group was sitting around twiddling his thumbs.”
Pope grinned down at her. “We make a pretty good team, huh baby?”
She lifted her droopy eyes to him for a moment and smiled brightly at him. “Forever and always, my love.” She ran a gentle hand over her belly and sighed happily. “You’re stuck with me now.”
It suddenly struck Santiago how badly he wanted that to be true. What wouldn’t he give to wake up next to this beautiful woman every day? To be allowed to love her and spend as much time in her presence as possible? To raise their child together and be a family? To grow old with her by his side?
He ghosted his hand down her side and gently picked up her left hand, running his thumb over the knuckle of her ring finger as she drifted off to sleep.
“Not yet I’m not, mi amor,” he whispered. “But I want to be. If you’ll have me.”
He gently shifted them down the mattress, curling up behind her and resting his hands lovingly on her belly as he settled in to sleep, taking comfort in the knowledge that everyone he loved was safe in his arms that night.
Tags list (open): @darksideofclarke, @writefightandflightclub, @eternallyvenus, @rae-rae-patcha
#santiago pope garcia x oc#santiago pope garcia#triple frontier#triple frontier fanfic#fanfiction#oscar issac#frankie catfish morales#pedro pascal#dad!pope
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My sweet buttercup; Eugene Sledge x reader
*Author’s note*
Hey guys well this only took me a couple days to write this little genius but now I’ve got it done and ready for you all to enjoy. Now I really wanted to try something different with this Eugene fic, I really wanted to DIVE right and get to the heart and root of the blossoming relationship b/t Eugene and the reader in this fic. So more n the lines of what they were like as kids together, early teen years, basically a Pre-WW2 fic mostly before the ending.
Warnings: Fluff, bit of angst, family disownment, mentions of PTSD, forbidden love.
But I hope you all enjoy this fic so much and until next time ;)
Taglist:
@plethora-of-things
@waddles03
@psychosupernatural
@ixchel-9275
@simonedk
@jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels
@dancingcoolcat
@queensdivas
@geek-and-proud
@queendeakyy
@kairosfreddie
___________________________________________________________
*June 14th, 1928*
It was a warm summer day in Mobile, Alabama. In the center of town stood a farmer’s market shop run by Sheldon (L/n). Sheldon (L/n) was once part of the 1st Marine division back during the Great War. After the war he settled back home in Mobile to run himself a farm where he was known for growing the brightest, freshest, most delectable apples in the whole state of Alabama.
Why if you asked people where the stores got their apples from, nine times out of ten they would tell you they came from (L/n) farm. Sheldon while having his shell shock moments from the war, still managed to have the American dream.
He married his high school sweetheart Marianne Lewis and they lived a good life together and had a beautiful baby girl they named (y/n) (l/n).
Sadly though, when little (y/n) was just a year old, her mom died of breast cancer. Sheldon was devastated but he tried to keep trudging on by being both hard working man, and loving father to his little girl.
Walking through the town was Dr. Edward Sledge, his wife Mary Frank and their two sons, Edward Jr. Sledge and Eugene Sledge. Eugene was five years old, going on six come the fall.
His bright auburn hair bounced off the summer sun and as they came right towards Sheldon’s shop, Edward stopped his family in their tracks.
“Maybe we best find another way around.” Suggested Edward warily.
“Edward, it was five years ago, can’t you learn to let it go?” Mary Frank told her husband.
“I have, but Sheldon on the other hand…..that man’s as stubborn as an ox.” It was then Sheldon came out with some crates of food ready to be shipped off to the stores.
As soon as he saw Dr. Sledge, a gruesome scowl came across the farmer’s face.
“Just what do you think you are doing here Sledge?!”
“Now Sheldon calm down, we were only passing by.”
“If you think I’m gonna do any type of business with you, think again! After what you had done…..”
“Sheldon there was nothing my husband could do to help Marianne.”
“Mary Frank you keep out of this.” Her husband warned her cautiously.
“You best listen to him Mary Anne. This is no concern of yours. Now get yourselves as well as those little monsters of yours away from my shop!” he spat down at the ground in disgust before slamming the door of his shop closed.
“Why does Mr. (L/n) hate us so badly mama?” asked Edward Jr.
“Oh never you mind that Edward. It’s just grown up business.” Mary Frank assured her eldest son.
“Come along boys, we’re gonna head back towards the barbershop and go through the back alley there to get to the fair.” The two boys groaned.
“But that’ll take longer!” whined Edward Jr.
“Why do we have to go back!?” groaned Eugene.
“Now boys don’t argue with your father. Now come along, or else we can just head right back home and forget about the fair till next year.” Their mother scolded them. That immediately got them to stop whining and soon they turned back around and went the long way to the fair.
They barely got a block away from Sheldon’s market shop when Eugene heard someone calling out to them. It was a faint psst sound so he stopped right by a flower cart and soon peaking out from it was a young girl around his age.
She had curly (h/c) hair and bright (e/c) eyes that sparkled like the stars at night. Eugene knew this girl very well, it was his best friend (well secret best friend) (Y/n) (l/n).
Yep. Even though Sheldon has repeatedly drilled into his daughter’s mind to never, ever, ever under any circumstances go anywhere near the Sledge family. But due to the fact that the two kids were in the same class as one another, they just—clicked immediately.
Her, Eugene, and Sydney Phillips were like the three Musketeers. But Eugene and (y/n) well—they had a special bond with each other. They were just like peas and carrots. Different in every way but somehow they managed to click with each other.
“Eugene, over here!” he smiled before turning to see his parents and older brother who hadn’t noticed he wasn’t with them anymore. He smiled and ran up to (y/n) who had a basket filled with wildflowers in them.
“Hey (y/n). Mrs. Mulley said you were sick last week and that’s why you weren’t at Sunday school, what did you have?”
“Just a bad tummy ache. But I’m all better and I’ll be back in Sunday school tomorrow.”
“That’s good. What did you find?” he said gesturing to her basket. Sometimes, if they could manage it, Eugene and (y/n) could be seen going out to the fields picking wild flowers together. They would even have contests to see who could pick the most flowers in a certain amount of time.
“Mostly pink and blue flowers. But check this out,” she then held up a yellow buttercup flower.
“That’s a buttercup flower. My mama sometimes grows those in our garden.” Eugene said.
“Buttercup huh? I like it, it suits it.”
“You know my mama says that if you hold a buttercup under your chin, it’ll make it glow. I tried it once but it didn’t work.” (y/n) looked at it with curiosity before putting it under her chin.
“Does it work for me?” and well and behold, her chin was glowing right over the buttercup flower.
Even at the tender age of five, Eugen B. Sledge always knew he held more than a friendship feeling for (Y/n). Whenever she’d laugh, his heart would beat faster and it felt like he was being tickled by a billion butterflies in his tummy.
His face would go red every time they would pick wild flowers together, and his heart ached every time she had to mention that her daddy didn’t want her talking to him.
“It sure does buttercup.” He said softly.
“Did you just call me a—”
“(Y/N)! Oh now where is that girl at? (Y/n)!” her father’s voice soon called out from the market. He whistled for her like she were a dog and that’s when she turned to Eugene and whispered.
“I gotta go, see you at church Eugene, bye!” she quickly ran off with her flower basket towards her daddy. As Eugene watched her father kneel down in front of her giving her a soft but firm lecture about running off, Eugene couldn’t help but feel those butterflies again.
“Eugene! Eugene!?” at the sound of his brother’s voice, he snapped out of his daze and quickly ran off before Mr. (L/n) could take notice of a Sledge boy staring at the two of them.
*September 17th, 1938*
It was a hard time in America. For five years now, the whole country was under a Great Depression. Every American was affected and of course that didn’t exclude the Sledge’s or the (L/n)’s. Without enough payment for the extra help, it was all up to Sheldon and (Y/n) to work the farm.
And in order to help bring extra money and food on the table, the Sledge siblings both got jobs helping their dad out with his physician at home job.
Right now Sydney and Eugene were walking along the outskirts of Mobile. Along for the ride was Eugene’s new little pup, Deacon. He had gotten Deacon as a ‘job well done’ gift from his dad. A client of his had a dog that recently had a litter of pups but times were tough and if they didn’t get the pups adopted soon they’d be taken to the shelter.
So Edward being the kind hearted gentleman that he was known for, got the dog and decided the pup would be a good gift for his son Eugene, as a token for being such a big help through these uncertain times.
As the two boys walked over the tall hill, they soon came upon the (L/n) farm. Sydney and Eugene were both shocked to see just how much the Depression had affected the farm.
The soil that they remember being a rich stretch of fresh soil was now dried up and cracking. Weeds were growing up in almost every spot imaginable. Without the extra help, it was almost impossible to keep the weeds in check.
And of course there was hardly anymore livestock anymore. Save for the horse, 2 cows, and the chickens. All the other animals the (L/n)’s once had, had to be sold off in order to get the money they needed to survive.
“Man, I heard (y/n) was struggling but—never did I think it was this badly.” Sydney said with a solemn shake of his head.
“No wonder why she said she had to quit school and be with her dad.”
“Are you sure it ain’t for another reason why you miss her?” teased Sydney. At that moment (y/n) had came out of the chicken coop with a bunch of eggs in a crate and the two of them watched her enter back into her family home.
“You wish you were right Sid.”
“Oh I know I’m right. I’m always right when it comes to you two. Don’t think I didn’t know about the time in 3rd grade when you offered to do her side of the book report when she broke her leg and had to stay at the hospital.”
“I was being polite and didn’t want her getting held back.” As the two of them bickered back and forth, the 10 month old pup had raced down the hill catching scent of the chickens and crept towards the chicken coop.
Deacon slowly stalked towards the door before entering inside of it. The young pup stared at the chickens before one of them caught sight of the unfamiliar creature that stood in their coop.
The pup then let out a series of barks which sent the chickens running mad with fear. From up on the hill, Eugene looked down to see Deacon was gone and from the barks that came down below, he immediately put two and two together.
“DEACON NO STOP!”
“Eugene wait you can’t go down there!” Sydney raced after him.
At that moment, Deacon came out of the coop chasing after the flock of chickens who were racing around frantically trying to escape this wolf-like creature.
(Y/n) immediately peeked out from her bedroom window and was shocked to see what was going on. The chickens being chased by the dog, the dog being chased by Eugene, and Gene being chased by Sid.
“Oh hey (y/n).” Sid stopped by her bedroom window.
“Sid what in the samhell is going on out here!?”
“Funny you should ask, but uhh—mind helping us out?” she quickly got on her shoes and crawled out of her window before running beside Sydney to try and round up the chickens.
Running around like—well chickens with no heads, Eugene, (Y/n) and Sydney all tried to calm the situation down before he father would return home.
“WHAT’S GOING ON OUT THERE!?!?” at hearing that thunderous voice. (Y/n) stopped running as she held a chicken in her arms and froze in fear.
“You guys need to get out of here, now!” she urged Eugene and Sydney on. Eugene who had finally gotten hold of Deacon turned towards (Y/n) but before he could say a word, a gunshot was heard and the shot landed just a few inches away from his foot.
“C’mon Eugene lets go!” Sydney pleaded and soon the two men took off running for the hills. The backdoor slammed open and there stood Sheldon with his shotgun in hand and his jaw dropped at the sight before him.
All the chickens out of their coop, now finally calm, the chicken coop now lay there in rubble (when (y/n) and Gene tried to wrangle Deacon and a few chickens that had gotten back into the coop, the sudden jostling and heavy weight of both humans trying to calm the situation down, forced the coop to collapse under their weight).
“What-gup—what happened here!? (Y/n) (m/n) (l/n). You were supposed to be gathering the chicken eggs!!”
“I know daddy.”
“Then why the hell are they out and about!? How did the coop get destroyed!? JUST WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING GIRL!?!?”
From up on the hill, Eugene’s heart broke at hearing (y/n) getting yelled at by her own father. She had nothing to do with this. So getting the courage, he held Deacon once more and walked down the hill back towards the farm.
“Eugene, Gene don’t you dare! He’ll kill you if you go over there. Eugene!” Sydney hissed out quietly but Gene refused to listen to his best friend.
“I—” (Y/n) began to respond till Eugene’s voice called out.
“She didn’t do it sir.” The two of them turned around. Gripping his gun tighter, Sheldon stood in front of his daughter and said lowly.
“What was that boy?”
“The chicken coop. And the reason why the chickens got out. It was my fault. (Y/n) had nothing to do with it. You see my dog—”
“Great, the Sledge’s have a dog. One more thing to worry about.” Sheldon muttered angrily to himself.
“Please Mr. (L/n), don’t blame (y/n) for this. She was doing her job just like you told her to do. If anyone’s the blame, it’s me. And I’ll do anything to make it up to you.” Hearing Eugene confess, it made (y/n)’s heart flutter and place her hand over her heart.
“Oh you can be damned well sure you will boy. As much as I hate to say this. You’ll be helping me out for the rest of the Harvest season, as well as repairing the chicken coop! And you young lady, come with me.”
He dragged his daughter back to the house as he whispered harshly to her.
“Throughout the time he’s here repairing and helping out, I don’t want you anywhere near him. No daughter of mine is gonna be seen with a Sledge.” As her father continue to rant out his hatred towards the Sledges, (Y/n) turned back towards Eugene and softly smiled at him and mouthed out a thank you.
Eugene smiled softly and seeing her smile it was like cupid’s arrow had struck him as he made goo-goo eyes at her. Even as Sydney snapped his fingers in Gene’s face to get him to snap out of it, Gene was stuck under the love spell he was on.
As agreed; Eugene worked with his father helping him run the at home physician and on his breaks, he’d ride his bike over to (Y/n)’s place to repair the chicken coop, as well as pull out the weeds.
Of course that didn’t stop Eugene and (Y/n) from sneaking puppy love eyes at each other as the two teens were put to work. Throughout the harvest season, it only allowed Eugene and (Y/n) to grow closer than they ever were before.
*June 14th, 1941*
Eugene and (Y/n). Never has there been a couple more meant for each other. Sid always referred to them as childhood sweethearts, and now for these past several years, they’ve really seemed to just hit it off. And with him being the only real person who knew of their ‘more than friendship’ relationship, he kept that to himself.
Of course Eugene’s parents never turned (y/n) away. From the early days when they were kids, they welcomed her with open arms. What they didn’t know was their blossoming relationship. Neither of their parents knew of their courting with each other, and they wanted to keep it that way for just a little while longer.
The two of them were at their favorite hillside where they once picked wildflowers when they were kids. Splayed out along a blanket cuddled close together watching the summer sunset. Eugene lying on his back with (y/n) lying her head against his chest, their hands intertwined with each other’s and their thumbs stroking the back of each other’s hands.
“Happy Anniversary my love.”
“What do you mean Gene?” she looked up at him.
“You heard me, happy 131, 456 hour anniversary.” Eugene said with a small grin as he picked up a buttercup flower and tucked it behind her ear.
“What? That’s way longer than when we first met.”
“I know. But it’s the anniversary of the day I first called you my buttercup.” He said as he cupped her face. Inside (y/n) felt warm and fuzzy remembering that day by the flower cart when Eugene had called her buttercup after finding out one glow underneath her chin. “But it’s fine if you forgot and didn’t get me anything.” Teased Eugene as he sat up trying to hide a grin. She rolled her eyes at Eugene’s teasing.
“Actually I did.” She crawled towards a log and pulled out a guitar case. Eugene’s eyes widened and as she opened the case up he said.
“Oh darlin you shouldn’t have but uhh—I don’t really know how to play.”
“Quiet you.” she teased back as she took the guitar (which was actually hers) and she began playing a soft tune. After letting the soft tune play for a bit she opened her mouth and began to sing.
As she sang; she began to remember all the times she and Eugene had together. From sharing secret letters/drawings with each other (with Deacon being the messenger dog), nature walks together, or secretly waving at each other from her father’s shop.
Their times doing out to the soda shops every Saturday night to go dancing. Always dancing together
We're far apart in every way
But you're the best part of my day
And sure as I breathe the air
I know we are the perfect pair
On a prickly path that goes on for miles
But it's worth it just to see you smile
And I cannot be pulled apart
From the hold you have on my heart
And even if the world tells us it's wrong
You're in my head like a catchy song
“I’ve always loved hearing you sing.” Sighed Eugene lovingly.
“The song’s not too gushy is it? Be honest now.”
“It’s everything but gushy, please sing more for me.” He said as he laid his head close to her thigh. (Y/n) continued to sing while Eugene just stared at her with loving eyes.
More memories came to both of them from their nature walks through any type of weather whenever they had free time. The stargazing’s they’ve done, and even one time when (Y/n) was struggling with the farm one spring that she ended up working till nightfall.
When morning came that morning, she found herself being covered with Eugene’s jacket and just a couple feet away from her, laid an exhausted Gene. He had actually came by and done the rest of the work for her so that she could get some sleep. As he slept, she had sat down beside Eugene and stroked through his auburn hair.
The seasons change and leaves may fall
But I'll be with you through them all
And rain or shine, you'll always be mine
On a prickly path that goes on for miles
You're the only one who makes it all worthwhile
And you should not blame me, too
If I can't help fallin' in love with you...
At the last verse, the two of them went red. While they have called each other their love or life, and while they were technically courting, neither of them has actually those three binding words. (Y/n) covered her mouth with her hand and looked down shyly as her face went red.
“Well that’s unfair. I was gonna tell you that first.”
“Yeah right.”
“I’m serious, I was gonna pull you up,” he stood up and helped her stand up. “Cover your eyes,” he covered her eyes. “Lead you over here.” He then guided her as he kept his hands over her eyes towards the wooded area of the fields. “And say surprise!” he uncovered her eyes and (Y/n) saw the sweetest thing she would ever see.
There along the willow tree they used to climb when they were kids, was a heart engraved at the center of the trunk and written in that heart were their initials. E.B.S + (F/I). (M/I). (L/I). She walked up towards their willow tree and placed her hand over the engravement.
“And then you’d say ‘Oh Genie. It’s—it’s so beautiful. I love it’.” He said imitating her Southern bell voice. “And then I’d say, ‘well, not as much as I love you’.”
“Guess I’m glad I beat you to it then.” She teased as she playfully bumped into him.
“I can accept that.” He said with a proud grin as he wrapped his arms around her waist while she wrapped her around his neck before the two of them finally kissed each other.
It was the kind of kiss that wasn’t deeply passionate that you couldn’t breathe. It was the kind of kiss that just felt like you found your missing half. Gene and (Y/n) were meant to be together and right as they kissed, it felt like it was right.
They were right for each other. And they began to dream of their bright future together. But of course no happiness lasts forever.
After returning from the fields later that evening, she came home to see her home filled to the rim with boxes. She asked her father what was going on and that’s when her father told her the grim truth.
They were moving to North Dakota.
Her father explained to her that the property here was just too dry to farm at anymore. Ever since the Depression decade the land hasn’t been the same. So he hired a contractor to tear the family home and the farm down, he had sold off the rest of the animals, and in two days they were gonna get a fresh start in a new land, with new people, and most important for him it would get them away from the Sledges.
(Y/n) was devastated. Two days and she’d never get to see Sydney Phillips, or Eugene ever again.
When she broke the news to Eugene the next day at the Willow tree, Eugene couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He held onto his weeping girl waiting for her to calm down before he finally spoke to her.
“But you’re practically an adult now (y/n). He can’t control you anymore.”
“What do you want me to say Eugene? I love you, I really do but—he’s the only family I got. And I—I have to stay with my family. I’m sorry!” with that she took off crying, heartbroken and alone.
Eugene looked towards the carving that he had done with his father’s old doctoring knife he used in the Great war. He placed his finger’s over (y/n)’s initials and knew what he had to do, but he knew he didn’t have much time so immediately he got on his bike and pedaled off as fast as he could into town.
By nightfall as (y/n) was solemnly packing up her stuff, Eugene came knocking at her window and he told her to come with him. He made up a story that Deacon wasn’t feeling to good and he needed his ‘mama’. Knowing how much she loved that dog, Eugene and her rode off on his bike.
They soon arrived at the church garden, which was an odd place that Eugene would bring Deacon at, but when she saw the candles all lit up and a beautiful flower archway standing near the back entrance of the church.
Wide eyed in awe, (Y/n) couldn’t believe what she was seeing. When she felt Eugene take her hand he got down on one knee and said to her.
“I don’t ever want to be apart from you. I don’t know what’ll happen in the future but—all I know is now. And I know that I love you so much that I’d marry you today. If you’ll have me that is?” tears of happiness filled her eyes as she said to Eugene.
“I’d like that too.” Eugene smiled and stood up as he embraced his fiancée and spun her around, the two of them cheering and laughing with glee.
After settling down, the two of them walked arm-in-arm with each other towards the pastor (who was actually their own Sunday school teacher who had since went up the ranks and was now one of the head pastor of their church). With Sydney Phillips as their witness and Eugene’s best man, the ceremony began.
The two young teens shared their vows together before the house of God and proclaimed their loyalty and love to each other.
“Then by the name of our Holy Father and in the eyes of the law; I now pronounce you—”
“Pastor Jacob! Pastor Jacob! Please can you help us our son is—Eugene? (Y/n)?” coming behind Sydney were Eugene’s parents.
“What is going on here?” asked Eugene’s father.
“(Y/n)!? Where are you girl you’re supposed to be packing!” soon coming up behind (y/n) from the bushes was her father. As soon as he saw his daughter with the Sledge’s he sneered out, “What are you two doing?” As both families came closer to see just what was going on, that’s when Eugene spoke up as he wrapped his arm around his future wife.
“Mother, father, Mr. (L/n). (Y/n) and I are getting married.”
“What!?” all three parents shouted in shock.
“That’s right. And we’ll officially be married as soon as Pastor Jacob says…..” (y/n) said firmly as she looked back at the pastor.
“Oh right, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.” He stepped aside as he closed his Bible.
“Mrs. (Y/n) Sledge, has a nice ring to it don’t you think?” Eugene said as he cupped his wife’s face.
“Indeed.” The two of them kissed each other finally sealing the deal.
“What are you talking about married!? You both are too young to be married!” Mary Frank scolded as she came between them and pushed Eugene aside.
“Finally something we can agree on.” Sheldon spoke as he now stood beside his daughter. “(Y/n) (m/n) (l/n) you listen to me and you listen good, girl. We’re moving and that’s final. And you have got to stick with your family! So enough of this foolish teenage fantasy and come home!” he grabbed her wrist and began to drag her away.
Finally having enough of her father’s grudge against the Sledges, she broke free of his grip and proclaimed.
“No daddy!”
“No?” her father asked as if he had been punched in the face.
“The Sledges are my family now too. In the eyes of God and the law as Pastor Jacob has said.” Eugene brushed past his mother and stood beside his wife to give her backup.
“You can’t be serious. Are you really choosing to be family with the ones responsible for your mother’s death over your own flesh and blood?!”
“Are you making me choose?” she spoke with a trembled lip as tears filled her eyes.
Her father stood there in shock and everyone around them grew tense. Could a father really force his daughter to choose who she sides with?
“Yes. I am.” Her father demanded. Finally hearing that answer broke (y/n)’s heart but she stood her ground as she spoke in a broken voice.
“Then yeah. I guess I am.” Her father’s face showed absolutely betrayal before his eyes grew red and he snapped at her.
“Then I guess I have no daughter anymore.” Without another word he stormed away from the church.
Heartbroken by her father’s words, (y/n) wept out a river of tears. Eugene held his new wife close to him trying to comfort her, meanwhile Dr. Sledge walked up to the young newlyweds and placed a comforting hand to his new daughter in law’s shoulder. She looked up at the old physician and he told her.
“You’ve always been like family to us (Y/n). You’ve always had love here with us. Right Mary Frank?” after witnessing what she had seen, she couldn’t deny the fact that ever since they were kids, her son and this young girl were just destined to be together.
“Even though I don’t condone you both being married so young while you’re still in school Eugene, there’s—I cannot stop the bond that it is you both share with each other.” Hearing those words coming from her new mother and father, it repaired some of the damage that (y/n)’s heart had taken.
“Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Sledge.” She thanked them.
“Oh sweet pea, call me mama.” Mary Frank said as she came up and cupped (y/n)’s face.
“And whenever you feel like it, you can call me dad.” Dr. Sledge said with a warm smile. (Y/n) never felt so grateful to the Sledges, she continued to weep as she now hugged her new parents and they warmly embraced her back. Welcoming her to the family officially.
*August 29th, 1945 1st Person POV*
I lot has happened in the past few years. Six months after Eugene and I got married, the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor and America was officially in the war with the Axis Powers.
Eugene wanted to enlist so badly but dad said that his heart murmur prevented him from enlisting, they knew with that he would never get it. So he always begged his father for frequent checkups every day until one day it was gone. That was the day my life changed forever.
I begged and pleaded with Genie to not go but he kept saying he had to do this. He’d feel like a failure if he were stuck doing bond trades or collecting scrap metal, while so many men including our dear friend Sid are fighting out in the front lines.
At that point I knew I couldn’t argue with him anymore and so he enlisted. Of course the night before he left, we made sure to make that night extra special because we both didn’t know if this would be the last time we’d see each other. We memorized each other’s kiss, scent, and touch (and I knew Eugene was trying much harder than I was since I knew he’d suffer the worse).
I went back to school, got my high school diploma and I’m currently now working as a teacher’s work assistant as well as a part-time librarian at the local library. I had remained with mom and dad taking care of house as well as Deacon (God rest his little soul) just trying to distract myself from missing Eugene.
It was (for once this past few weeks) a cool Summer’s day. I was tending to the garden outside planting a few roses, daffodils and of course buttercup flowers but I didn’t expect to suddenly get jumped by two little body masses.
Soon enough I was in the dirt and two 3 year old kids were piled on top of me. One was a little boy who looked so much like his daddy when I first met him, except he had my hair and eye color, and the other was a girl with the same curly hair I once had as a kid and her daddy’s auburn hair and brown eyes but the rest were my looks.
“We gotcha mommy now say you surrender!” my son proclaimed as he held up his toy gun at me, while my daughter had a couple of sticks, pretending they were a bow and arrow.
“I surrender, you both got me.” I held my arms up in surrender. They cheered as they got off of me but that’s when I tackled them both to the ground and began tickling them both.
The two of them laughed as they tried to escape my clutches but soon our moment was interrupted by one of the servants, Octavia.
“Excuse me, Mrs. Sledge?” I stopped playing with the kids and the look on her face was—unreadable.
“What is it Octavia?”
“Just come inside (y/n) dear, there’s—someone who you need to see.” Oh god please don’t tell me. Not when the war was finally over do I get the news.
“Mommy, what is it?” asked my son.
“Gene, you and your sister stay with Octavia okay?” I told him as I stood up and brushed the dirt off my dress as best as I could.
Slowly I walked through the back entrance towards the dining room where I knew mom was at stacking the dishes. I almost didn’t even want to turn the corner to see an officer in uniform telling us now that Eugene was dead. Finally I worked up the courage to turn the corner and there my heart stopped.
Standing right there by his mother and father in full Marine uniform, was my Genie.
He slowly walked towards me and I him until we finally met in the middle. For years I’ve dreamed of this day to come that—now it feels like it is a dream. He raised his hand to my face and the moment I felt his touch, I knew this couldn’t be a dream.
“You—you’re as beautiful as the day I left buttercup.” At that moment, the tears poured down my face as I felt myself collapsing against him. Eugene kept me steady as his head rested against mine and he rocked me back and forth.
“You’re back! You came back…..” I wept into his uniform.
“I told you I would.” He whispered to me.
“Mama?” Eugene and I separated from each other to see Octavia bringing in the kids. “Why are you crying?” asked my baby girl. When I looked up at Eugene, his eyes were wide and his body fell tense.
“Genie, I—I didn’t want to share this with you through letter. But—I’d like you to meet two very special people of mine. Kids come here.” Shyly they walked from Octavia up to me and Eugene as we now knelt down to their height.
Our kids soon came up and our daughter hid behind my back while our son fiddled with the ends of my dress as he curled himself around my arm.
“Eugene, these are our kids. The oldest of the twins is our son, Eugene B. Sledge Jr. and our baby girl, Daphne Eliza Sledge. Kids—this……is your daddy. He’s come home to us.” My son looked up at me hesitantly and I nodded to him telling him it was okay to go see him.
Little Gene walked up to his daddy and just stared up at him in both awe but a hint of fear.
“Little Gene, suits him. Guess you managed to convince Sid to not let us name our first boy after him.” Eugene teased at me as he gently ruffled his son’s hair. Knowing that this strange man in uniform wasn’t going to hurt him, little Gene smiled and immediately embraced his daddy.
Eugene embraced his son and kissed the top of his head and it just made my heart soar at seeing both my boys finally meeting each other and already loving each other. After giving his son some of his love, he looked behind me to our baby girl who was still shyly trying to hide from him.
“It’s okay sweetie bell. He won’t hurt you.” I assured her. Slowly but surely, she came out till she stood by my arm and clung onto it just like her brother.
“My, my, my. You—you look exactly like your mother when I first met her. Guess now I’ve got two buttercups.”
“How did you know my name?” Eugene looked at me confused so I explained to him.
“She likes to be called buttercup. Says it sounds more prettier than her real name.”
“Well whatever name you prefer darling, it sounds beautiful. Just like your mother, and just like you.” he gently booped his daughter’s button nose which made her giggle and finally loosen up around her daddy. Before long she too cuddled into her daddy’s chest and he gave her the same love and affection he gave his son.
Seeing him hold our two kids just—finally felt right. I always knew Gene would be a natural dad, and even now after being through such hell for the past 3 years, he can finally have some peace knowing his family has now grown.
The rest of the day it was just the four of us bonding and getting to know each other.
Of course I knew life wouldn’t be the same as it was before. For example the nightmares. Every night Eugene would suffer terrible and horrifying nightmares. Some nights I ended up staying awake all night just to make sure he didn’t suffer alone.
There wasn’t much I could do except to just assure him that he wasn’t there anymore and that he was home. Sometimes the kids would ask him why they would hear their daddy scream and cry but I told them to not ask him such questions yet.
After Eugene had returned with his dad from the dove hunting, I could see from the tearstains on his face and the slight red in his eyes that it didn’t go so well and that he had suffered flashbacks (I still remember when—well my old father still suffered from them night after night).
So Eugene and I, along with the kids decided to head out to Genie and is old favorite spot out in the fields. He and I were lying on our backs cuddled close to each other while the kids went off to pick wildflowers.
“How long till you found out about them?” he asked me. I looked up at him before turning towards our kids.
“A couple weeks after you left for bootcamp. I just felt so sick till dad checked me out and that’s when it was confirmed that I was pregnant. I would’ve mentioned it but—something like that can’t be said through letters.”
“They’re beautiful though. Just like you.” he said as I felt his nose bury itself into my neck.
“And you.”
“Mama! Daddy!” soon our kids came running up to us and Buttercup held up a buttercup flower. “Look what I found!”
“Yes sweetheart, you found the flower you’re named after. Did you know of a legend that goes with this flower?” she shook her head no. I took hold of the buttercup and told her, “If you hold a buttercup under your chin, it’ll make it glow. See how it works on me?” both my children looked at me in pure awe.
“Let me try! Let me try!” Little Gene called out as he reached out to take the flower. He took it and held it under his chin asking repeatedly if it was working. When Buttercup shook her head, Little Gene pouted, god he really was just like his daddy.
“No worries little Gene. It never worked on me either when I was your age, see?” his daddy said as he held the flower under his chin.
“Can I try it next daddy?” asked Buttercup. Gene nodded and held the flower under his daughter’s chin and low and behold, it worked on her. He smiled as he shook his head softly scoffing.
“Does it work?” she asked him.
“It sure does Buttercup. Apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, huh (n/n)?” I smiled as he picked up his daughter and began kissing her all over her cheek making her giggle.
“Mommy can you sing for us?” asked little Gene as he crawled his way into my lap.
“What would you like me to sing?”
“The catchy song!” The kids both proclaimed. I smiled and said.
“Okay. But you both know I don’t have the guitar with me to play it.”
“Please mommy!” they both gave me the puppy dog eyes they inherited from their father.
“I swear Eugene this trick came from you.”
“Uhh excuse me? You’ve done the puppy dog eye trick on me way longer than I have. Don’t you put this on just me.” Eugene said trying to point the blame on me. I scoffed that’s when Little Gene said.
“Mommy sing for us now!”
“Now, now Little Gene, that’s not the way to get something from your mother or from anyone. If you want something you ask politely.” Eugene gently scolded his son. Little Gene nodded and apologized to me. I told him it was fine and that’s when I began singing the song that I had made for Eugene what felt like an eternity ago, which now became the kids’ favorite song.
Eugene set our baby girl down and laid his head across my lap while I stroked through his auburn hair as well as down his face. And every time my fingers came close to his lips, he would pucker them out and give each of my fingers or the back of my hand a kiss. The kids all lay down close to us with my boy laying his head near my knee while our baby girl cuddled herself tight against her daddy’s side, like a little kitten.
After I finished the song, Eugene and I thought it best to head back home and put these kids down for their nap. I grabbed our son while Eugene held our baby girl, both our kids clung onto us once they knew we had hold of them. Eugene and I looked at each other before leaning in and giving each other a soft kiss before heading back to the house.
#eugene sledge#eugene sledge imagine#eugene sledge imagines#eugene sledge x reader#joe mazzello#joe mazzello imagine#joe mazzello fanfiction#joe mazzello x reader#joe mazzello imagines#joe mazzello fluff#joe mazzello the pacific#hbo the pacific#the pacific fanfic#the pacific fanfiction#the pacific imagines#the pacific imagine#the pacific#hbo the pacific fanfiction#eugene sledge fanfiction#eugene sledge fanfic#eugene sledge fluff
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I saw @chromehoplite and @plague-of-insomnia list their favourite kuro moments and I want in so...
(In chronological order)
1.
I love Sebas’ stunned expression, his confession that he’s never had friends before, Agni admitting that he and Sebas are friends, I just love the extra depth it gives Sebas in particular! It really resonated with me since I’ve always struggled with friends, at least in a way closer to Sebas than to notCiel.
2.
Is that emotion I see there Sebas? I don’t blame notCiel for this, it’s pretty clear this is not a decision he’d make if he were in his right mind. But Sebas looks like he regrets reveling in notCiel’s PTSD flashback, and doesn’t actually want to burn these kids. That, and I can never get enough of notCiel grabbing him by the face. The anime does it better, but I still love this scene and the visuals that come after!
3.
Found Family! Found Family! I adore the Phantomhive servants and seeing them mourning one of their own like this was so sad and so whumpy and I loved it! (Knowing Sebas was alive took some of the gravity out of their situation but still) Their memories/background is always something I love to see and I’m dying waiting for more (especially Bard!)
4.
This little moment is overlooked quite a lot, even by me, but seeing Sebas reveal how far he’s willing to go for notCiel is always great. It’s a neat little threat (one that I didn’t twig for a loooooong time) and his interactions with Bard are limited and mostly played for comedy so this is a rare little insight to their real relationship.
5.
Six panels can really say a lot. The first panel implies (to me) that he’s a hard worker, a bookworm, and that he’s more human than he likes to admit - using a desk and a lamp, writing things down instead of remembering them even when there’s no one around to see him. It’s also one of the only times we see him in his room, and this time it has some personality to it! Then we’re introduced to the deeper link between master and demon. He doesn’t so much hear notCiel waking up screaming, as he does feel it. Then, without being asked, he goes up with a light and some sympathy. He offers his company (assuming he’s the only one available atm) as a comfort. I reaaaaly don’t buy into the ‘emotionless, cruel demon’ guise.
6.
Whump! Thank you Ms. Toboso for this beautiful Whump! Seeing Sebas not only injured but so close to death (if not for the sinking of the Campania, UT would have killed him, I have no doubt) is something that got me really hyped because a) he’s obviously not gonna die at this point (they know nothing about anything) which means b) he’s going to have to heal from this (it happened off screen which sucks) and c) notCiel is the one in front of him this time. I’m desperate for people to defend Sebas in this manga, or to flip the dynamics (oh how the turntables!)
7.
This relationship. I think the Weston arc is a little frustrating for many reasons (one being that the houses, prefects, school uniforms (ties, oh jesus I hated ties), colour coding and asshole kids hit a little too close to my school experince despite being in a public school) but it gave us this moment so I’m glad! We see so much of Sebas’ respect for Tanaka, and Tanaka’s speeches about Sebas in the murder arc, but when do they really talk? This comes off as a fatherly moment, or at least close friends! His wink also gets me wondering how much he knows. He’s with UT, realCiel and Lizzie in the sect arc so does he know about the contract or not? Either way I wish there was more of these two!
8.
I know @plague-of-insomnia used the same image but it’s such a good moment. Both characters are vulnerable at this point, although in different ways, which is not normal for this manga. Normally it’s one or the other, not both. Which diverts the power to Sieglinde, a tiny superstitious little girl. I just love it. That and the fact that notCiel scratches the hell out of Sebas and Sebas never holds it against him or brings it up again. To me, that is a big character trait. I know plenty of people who have been hurt by others on accident or when they were in a vulnerable position and have turned around and cried about it to them the second they have their wits about them!
9.
Look at this found family! Look at them sticking by notCiel and Sebas despite just learning that they’ve been lied to for possibly years now. All smiles too! There’s no doubt on their faces that these are the two people they want to stick by for the rest of their lives. The fondness of it all, and Sebas’ warm (warm! not cold or mischevious!) smile when he greets them!
10.
Gimmie that sweet, sweet backstory! (Well, don’t, because I’m quite attached to the backstory I’ve given him, but give me more of his recent backstory!) I love that he’s so ready to train the newbies, and openly admits that this is the first time he’s been a servant (I’m generalising a bit) probably because he wants to relate to them a little.
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Why I'm So Good At Angst
Why The Latest Episode Of Fantasy High Effected Me So Much
I got pretty emotional after the last episode and when combined with recovering from bronchitis... it wasn't a fun night. I decided to write down a bit of my history to help and then I decided to post it because... well who knows? I just felt like it. Let me make it clear; I am okay. I am going to therapy. I moved 1300 miles away from these people. Most of this was years ago. There is NO reason to treat me differently because of this. But it's dark and PTSD is a bitch sometimes. So here are the crib notes on why I'm so good at writing angst. Trigger warnings abound.
Tw: child abuse, neglect, starvation, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, insults, controling, isolation, sexism, racism, homophobia, biphobia, gross imagery, sickness, mention of surgery without consent, dark themes, blood mention, rape mention, death mention, suicide survival mention, animal abuse mention, very minor spider mention (tell me if I missed any!)
Let's start at the beginning. I was born a "mistake". My mother wanted a kid, so she went off birth control and got pregnant. They were late 20/early 30s, VERY broke, not equipped to have a child, he didn't want more kids (he already had 3 from his first marriage), and they were about to break up. Instead they got married so I wouldn't be a "bastard". Turns out, that is a bad foundation for a marriage.
They were expecting a boy when I came out. The doctor said my heartbeat was so strong that I had to be a boy, so they didn't have a name picked out. Thus James became Jamie and my parents became disappointed.
I was mildly intersex so the doctors "fixed" me, but I didn't find out for years. What I did find out was how much money I cost and what a burden I was on my family with shocking regularity. Also, nobody told my mother that babies aren't cute little bundles that you can use to get more attention. They cry, poop, eat, and repeat and they need constant care. So, I started out with the cards stacked against me.
My mother was also... not the sharpest tool in the shed. Case in point, for about the first six months of my life, my mother gave me formula that I was allergic to. My dad (worked extra shifts and odd jobs to make ends meat) only found out when he was watching me when my mother went out of town. There was a substantial amount of blood in my diaper, he called my mother, a day or two later she finally called back to tell him it was normal, he got worried and took me to the doctor, and they told him I was allergic to whey protein.
Thankfully, my dad's parents lived next door. I stayed with them a LOT. Basically lived there. I would visit my parents, say hi, and then run back next door. Mamaw (dad's mother) kept me fed, never made me feel bad for how I saw the world, and was always willing to help. I had dyslexia and every night we would sit and drill my spelling words before she would sing me to sleep. Papaw (dad's father) was great too, but more of the playful one who taught me jokes and how to play poker.
Then Papaw got sick. First cancer and then Alzheimer's. I had to start staying at home a lot. I helped as much as I could. He lived a long life. I was there when he died. Death is not like it is in the movies.
In the meantime, I had school. It was tough, but I had Mamaw helping me and a friend. We hung out on the playground together for a year or two, but my parents found out and threw a fit that the teachers had "allowed" it to happen. Because he was black. Yes. They were also racist. So my friend and I were no longer allowed to be near each other. Mamaw found the whole thing stupid.
In 6th grade, I had a teacher that hated me. Long story short, long before I was born she and her husband owed my grandparents money and they were bitter over eventually having to pay it back. So she "lost" a lot of my homework and treated me like crap.
At the end of the year (after it was already over with), my mother took me out of school and told everyone that she was going to homeschool me. She did not.
Suddenly, I was my mother's maid. I waited on her hand and foot. I did the cleaning, she told my dad that she did it while I sat on my butt, and I would get in trouble for being lazy. She gave me an allowance and then took it back saying she needed it for bills (mind you while saying they were broke because of me). She told all my friends that the number I gave them was wrong and that I had moved away. She bought homeschool books and when I eventually got stuck on every subject, she told me just to forget it and that I could eventually get my GED. She never registered me, so on paper it just looked like I dropped out of school 2 weeks before the end of the 6th grade. Nobody ever checked on me.
I rarely left the house and my mother used me to con people out of money. I went hungry a lot. Sometimes she would give me food that I was allergic to which would make me sick. Sometimes she would make me eat rotten stuff (just imagine a cabbage stew that has been sitting in the fridge for weeks and has this waxy film on top and a sour smell ones you break through. I've eaten stuff like that because she said I wasn't allowed to waste food). I snuck food out under my clothes and kept what I could hidden in my room. We had a pantry full of food too, but she said I wasn't allowed to have any of it. Things like panties and bras weren't replaced as I grew and became so tight that I still have a dent around my waist and my chest. However, the shirts she bought for me were in her size (so she could borrow them), so they were just massive on me (she was a plus sized adult).
Still, I felt like a selfish brat for asking for even minor things, so I just... existed. I had a game system in my room that helped me escape. My older half brother moved in with his wife and kid and I babysat my nephew (for free) which was... something. A second nephew came along and the pair were a handful, but I did my best.
I snuck outside as much as I could. I would jump on my trampoline (before it broke). Play with a stray dog or cat. Observe a spider. I saw Mamaw (and Papaw before he died) as much as I could, but I hid what was going on at home. Mamaw was my escape, but then she moved out of her house and into a smaller house in town. That's when it got bad. Nobody was there to notice anymore, so my mother could get away with more. Dad worked too much to see.
I asked to go back to school when I was 12 or 13. My mother told me that they would hold me back three years so I would be in a class filled with children and she would get in trouble for me being lazy. It was my fault. She made me scared to go back. Later in my mid teens, she would tell me that I wasn't allowed to tell anyone what she'd done or she would go to jail, my dad would go to jail, and I would get put in an orphanage and raped every day. At the time, I was getting physical contact so rarely that it hurt when people touched me. I had a panic attack when a doctor told me to undress for an exam. So not only did I want to protect my parents from jail, the possibility of... that... it was enough for me to not only keep quiet, but actively try to keep what she was doing from getting out.
A lot of my teenage years are rather blurry (part due to monotony and part due to the food stuff). Mamaw had a stroke and I volunteered to take care of her (which I did). My mother used me to con people out of more money (unbeknownst to my dad). I got sick a lot and was often not taken to the doctor when I should have been. I waited on my mother. I took care of my mamaw a couple days a week. My mother started taking pills and gambling heavily. I was told later that she bragged to people about being able to do as she pleased as long as she got home before her husband because her daughter was at home doing chores. When I cleaned the toilet, I had to do it barehanded with a washcloth. I'm pretty sure she poisoned me a couple times. It wasn't fun. Did I mention that her favorite book was Flowers In The Attic by V. C. Andrews? She had a copy that was extremely well worn. *shivers*
At one point, I rescued a kitten from stray dogs and got my dad to let me keep him. I got a second kitten less than a year later who was so tiny she had to be bottle fed. Their names were Punkin and Hopee and I kept going because nobody else would take care of them if I was gone. I know my motger wouldn't because they weren't fed when I wasn't there. They are the reason that I fought to survive.
At 16, my mother took me to a urologist and told me that they were going to put me under to take a urine sample from my bladder. I woke up having had a surgery on my genitals to make them more feminine. Yes, I know how messed up that sounds. I had to go to a specialist when I got older for pain and get treatment for it. I'm mostly okay now, but that doesn't change the fact that it was objectively wrong. Please, if you take anything from this, remember that.
A week after my 18th birthday, my mother kicked my dad out. She wanted a divorce. She told me that she couldn't get in trouble for what she did anymore because I was an adult. The few weeks I was totally alone with her were really bad. She got a stereo, put it right next to my door, and blasted country music when I was trying to sleep. Made some excuse as to why it had to be there and that loud. We were in a well insulated house, so there was no one nearby to complain. I was so tired all the time and still had to wait on and cook for her. Til this day, I hate country music and I can sleep through most background noise.
I moved in with my dad. I had a lot of panic attacks. Some seizures. I was scared to be alone. Horded food. I was at one point sitting and wriggling because I had to pee and needed permission. I was a mess.
Dad and I were good for a while. I followed orders and kept the place clean. He insulted me some and was... honestly very harsh. He said he was preparing me for the world. He was nice most of the time though and so much better than my mother.
As time went on, the insults became more frequent. How much I looked like my mother. How I got all my bad traits from my mother. My voice could give people a headache. Useless. Dumbass. On and on. Nothing was off limits. He became so controlling. Taught me to drive, but my curfew was 8 or 9 pm. I had to save money and not waist it because I would need it later and buying anything small for myself was stupid (but he would buy random stuff all the time). In fact, everything I liked that he wasn't into was stupid and a waste of time and energy. He was better than my mother in so many ways. I never went hungry with him. He let me hug him sometimes. He would help me out with things. That was why it was so hard for me to see the verbal and emotional abuse and how much he was controling and gaslighting me. Every favor had a price. I was isolated. When I started going to college, the control became worse. The insults more rapid pace. I was beat down.
Then I met a guy whom I thought loved me. You know how it goes. He seemed better than my dad. Better than my mother. That was the best I deserved... right? He isolated me. He tried to get me away from my friends. He controled my money. He didn't take no for an answer. He used my bisexuality as something to guilt trip me over and like it was some grand thing for him to be as okay with it as he was. He made me feel like nobody else would be with somebody like me. It... wasn't good. I was with him seven years. Multiple break ups, but I always took him back. I survived two suicide attempts (OD for the first and called in before anything happened the second time after he had me go off my antidepressants). After the final breakup, we met up about the money that he owed me and he decided to not take no one more time and then blamed me for it. My best friend was on the phone with me afterward as he was texting me. My ex also said that it would make him happy if I never dated another man again. Then he sent me religious pamphlets. There's so much more, but he's not worth talking about.
I lived with my dad a year. I was broke and broken. I had my dog, my albino sand boa, and a few posessions. I didn't even have mamaw anymore (she had died a couple years prior). My ex threatened me. My dad just told me to ignore it, so I didn't pursue it legally. My dad limited the time I could be on my phone, gave me an 8pm curfew and a 10pm bedtime, and a door with no lock that I was to leave open unless I was changing clothes. He did nice things too like letting me stay with him and getting an old beat up PS3 from a pawn shop so I would have something to do, but he also insulted me constantly. I had made friends online and been friends with them for years (including my best friend mentioned before), but he said they weren't "real" friends and would ditch me the minute they had to be around me for any length of time because I was so annoying. I had too much wrong with me and nobody would put up with that shit. Just a string of insults. Dad even insulted how I laughed! It was hard to realize how bad it was due to the duality of it all.
Dad only "allowed" to date white cis men. He also said that if I ever had or adopted a non-white child, he wouldn't be able to accept it. I was chastised when I did things he considered not feminine and not "allowed" to do or talk about things in his presence that he was fine with my minor nephew doing and saying. He blew up if I mentioned anything LGBTQ+. He went nuclear when I got a tattoo to take back ownership of my body (my avatar), saying he thought I would back out and then said it made me that it was ugly and disgusting and no good man would want me now.
Through all of this, I couldn't even get support from the people in my hometown. It was a very religious area (almost infamously so). The locals considered me weird and "off". I was religious positive and supportive as long as it didn't hurt the individual, others, or society as a whole, but it wasn't for me. People were always trying to get me to go to church and praying for my soul. I was accused (more than once) of being possess by a demon that was blocking god from coming into my heart and slowly turning me half gay. Others tried to convince me that I was confusing apreciation for women with attraction and I couldn't prove that I wasn't straight (with the addition that all bisexual women were sluts and I wasn't one). There wasn't LGBTQ+ resources in town or out people to begin with (I only met two or three my entire life). I couldn't make friends. I was used a lot. Some people worried about having me around their kids. It was a stressful environment. I got pretty decent on arguing with strangers who wouldn't leave me alone (I seriously had someone screaming bible verses at me trying to save my soul while my dog was in emergency surgery so... yup). My only escape was my two best friends online and a few other awesome people I met the same way.
I moved into an apartment, but I was still isolated, alone, and touch starved. I broke my arm (oblique compound fracture of radius and ulna with a crack towards the distal end of my ulna) and my family was there for my dad because he had to take care of me. No hospital visits. I had to hire someone to clean my appartment (despite being broke) because they saw the mess as my fault as well as the injury. Dad dropped me off at home much sooner than I should have been left alone. But my two online best friends? Calling. Texting. Sending things to help. Checking on me often. One got on a plane and flew down to see me and do what they could with the day they had there. That's when I realized. They were my support system. They lived fairly close together. So, despite living in one small town my entire life, I packed up the moment I was able to and moved 1300 miles away to be near people who cared about me.
It wasn't easy. I had so many panic attacks. My one year old ESA cat Danny worked overtime. My dog passed away from kidney failure. My dad drilled it in my head that they would ditch me after a couple months because of how annoying I was and that I would either come back to [state] with my tail between my legs or in a body bag. I had to sell or give away everything that couldn't fit in my friend's small suv. It was hard, but I found a way to push through and do it. One of the last things I did was leave daisies for mamaw at places she liked when she was alive. I like to think she helped me have the strength to walk away.
I've lived here in my new home about 9 months now. I'm happy. I'm loved. I don't regret leaving a second. Sometimes PTSD will rear its ugly head like it did with the latest episode of Fantasy High. It's not something that I can control and honestly? The idea of being trapped after getting away and being stuck with my abuser again terrifies me. Seeing it happen to Adaine? It made me sick and I had an anxiety spike. I'm better today and I intend to eventually rewatch the episode to desensitize myself, but still, it was a lot for me. It's okay to not be okay sometimes and to need a break. It doesn't make me weak or bad or stupid. Another lesson for the person reading this I suppose. If it's not bad for me to ask for help orneed a break, then it's not bad for you either ^_^
I still have depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, health problems, and food issues. I think I always will. But I'm finally allowed to be happy. I'm finally allowd to be myself. I'm finally allowed to let myself be cared for and loved. I'm getting help. Learning techniques. Started taking CBD along with my meds. I'm finally as okay as I've ever been in my life and it's amazing.
PS: Just as a side note, remember to use trigger warnings. Even if something doesn’t bother you or most people, doesn’t mean that it wont make someone else have a bad day. Sometimes all we need is a warning to mentally prepare ourselfs. Sometimes we just can’t handle something that day, but can another. So remeber to tag, even if something seems minor to you or canon complient. Your readers will sincerely apreciate it. ^_^
#fantasy high#dimension 20#bluewind talks#tw abuse#tw child abuse#tw neglect#tw starvation#tw sickness#tw gross imagery#tw dark themes#tw verbal abuse#tw emotional abuse#tw gaslighting#tw controling#tw insults#tw isolation#tw sexism#tw racism#tw homophobia#tw biphobia#intersex#tw blood mention#tw rape mention#tw death mention#tw suicide survival mention#tw surgery without consent#tw animal abuse mention#tw spiders mention
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Destiel Fic Rec List Part 4
Last Updated in October 2014. Posted in May 2020 for posterity. Listed in no particular order - the total rec list will have ~250 fics. Header graphic used with permission.
This part of the list contains: 31 fics.
Other Destiel Rec Lists: [1]. [2]. [3]. [4]. [5]. [6]. [7].
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The Shadow at My Window ❤ by Zombiecat
E | 141k | Hot, AU, Underage, Wing!kink
As a fledgling angel, Castiel is not allowed to interact with humanity. He should be strictly observing and concentrating on learning to be a warrior of Heaven. Even so, he cannot seem to stop himself from visiting the human boy that leaves his window open at night. At first, it's only to get a glimpse of their world.. but all that changes the night he saves the boy's life.
AMAZING!!! I'm a huge fan of both wing!kink and the underage romance trope, and this hits the spot. I read this from when it was a WIP (on chapter 12), and it was so worth it.
Fearson's floating cigarette. by orange_crushed
M | 11k | Fluff, Magicians AU
"That son of a bitch," Dean says. He strangles the handful of french fries he’s been holding, and one by one their warm, helpless, potato-y insides crumble over the tops of his fingers. He feels a brief burst of irrational, almost homicidal rage. "That floppy bow-tie wearing son of a bitch.” Dean is gonna kill Jimmy Wonderman. He’s gonna shove a never-ending string of scarves down his throat. He’s gonna make him eat balloon animals until he floats off into space.
This was so sweet and charming I'm going to cry. Castiel's gentleness and pure heart is really explored in this fic, and I LOVE it.
Sweaters & Cigarettes ❤by lemonoclefox
E | 149k | Hot, Fluff, High SCchool AU, punk cas, nerd dean
Dean Winchester is in high school, crushing hard on Castiel Novak, the unbelievably hot goth who Dean does his very best to convince himself he hates, despite the fact that he can’t really stop staring at him. Dean tries, but when the two of them finally cross paths, their first conversation takes a surprising turn. And suddenly, they both find themselves falling harder and faster than they ever could have expected.
LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS FIC! The trope reversal is perfect, and in short, this is one of my favorite high school AUs EVER.
Shortskirts 'Verse by twentysomething
E | 22k | High School AU
So, they're in high school, and then they're in college, and it's mostly not about Taylor Swift, except when it is.
Leave My Body, Moving Up to Higher Ground by triedunture
E | 17k | Alt!canon, Genderswap
Castiel must take a new vessel to return to earth, so he strikes a deal with a woman who isn't as willing as Jimmy had been. But Dean's in a bad way and Leviathan needs to be smote, so what else can he do? Wonderful and heartbreakingly lovely. Gender swap, of a sort.
A Treatise on Longing by araftatsea
T | 8k | Angst, Alt!Canon, Aging
Set post-8x23: Cas falls and is reborn as a human infant. Dean waits for him. He wonders how he's going to explain to this guy that he was an angel, once, and he wonders whether Cas will still want him. Or if he ever did.
Oh god, this fic huuuurts. But in a good way.
Santorum Will Pry My Porn From My Cold Dead Hands by AlreadyPainfullyGone
E | 41k | Pornstar AU
President Santorum bans all pornography, and Dean decides to start his very own prohibition racket. Unfortunately, the only person he can find to 'perform' is Castiel.
Lots of porn. Complete with in denial!dean and confident!cas.
One Night at Club Radiant by octoberskyfall
E | 16k | Hot, Stripper AU, Dom!Cas
When Charlie showed up at the garage with a six-pack of El Sol and an order for him to chug them down before they reached the bar, Dean knew he was in for one hell of a night. Featuring Stripper!Cas and light Dom!Cas because of reasons. Happy Birthday, Dean!
Damn. Just um--yes. Please.
Gargoyles on Motorcycles by mandraco
E | 24k | Office AU, Socially Awkward Cas
After the latest in Dean's long string of one night stands steals the Impala and totals it, he makes a bet with Sam that he can abstain from sex while he repairs it. But Lisa and Matt's wedding is coming up and Dean needs a date he'll never be attracted to. Enter Castiel.
Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives by cymbalism
E | 14k | Fluff, Alt!Canon
After the apocalypse, Dean's living with Lisa and earning his keep by cooking dinner. Cas likes that Dean can cook. Dean likes Cas's company. But they could use a little alone time, and Dean has a lot to learn about what the rest of his life really means.
Smoke in the Mirror by letters_of_stars
M | 52k
It begins with the flier hung in the library: art model needed for thesis project, will pay. Castiel figures it's an easy way to make some extra money, but modeling for Dean Winchester ends up complicating his life far beyond anything he could have imagined.
Selfie with a stranger by somuchforbaggles
T | 1k | Fluff, AU
Cas lied to his family about having a boyfriend, and now they want actual photographic evidence. There's only one thing he can do - take a selfie with a stranger.
This is just adorable. Instant feel-good fic.
Paper-Thin by snarkymonkey
E | 15k | Fluff, Hot, College AU, Dom!Cas, Sub!Dean, Professor!Cas
Dean is finishing up his master's program, heading on for a PhD in Engineering but spends most of the time silently ogling his gorgeous next-door neighbor, the new adjunct professor of English, pursuing his dissertation.So, really, no reason the two should ever interact. Except...the walls between their apartments are just so thin. And even though he swears he's seeing the guy all over campus, there's no way the exceptionally friendly Professor Novak has a thing for Dean. Right?
The Pumpkin Pie Started It by twerkstiel
E | 8k | Hot, AU, Baker Cas, ABO, Omega!Dean Sub!Dean, top!cas, alpha!cas
Dean Winchester is your ordinary college student. He does his work, fixes cars, complains about being broke. Except when he visits the new campus bakery, he ends up getting more than the pie he asked for.
Just what I like in an ABO short fic: cute, porny, and hot sex ;)
Leave My Body, Moving Up to Higher Ground by triedunture
E | 17k
Castiel must take a new vessel to return to earth, so he strikes a deal with a woman who isn't as willing as Jimmy had been. But Dean's in a bad way and Leviathan needs to be smote, so what else can he do?
Wonderful and heartbreakingly lovely. Gender swap, of a sort.
Scratchmarks by bookkbaby
E | 11k | Hot, canon!verse, endverse, threesome, bottom!cas, kink
Sometimes, sex isn't a goal, but a method. A method to escape, a method to forget, or a method to communicate, and Dean doubts that his future self is listening to what Cas is saying.
Porny 2009!Dean/2014!Dean/2014!Cas with bonus feelings towards the end.
Halfway by anythingtoasted
E | 29k | canon!verse, s8, pining!dean
A Fallen!Castiel bunker fic; Castiel arrives back at the bunker after six months of being missing, with eighteen of his newly-fallen brothers and sisters in tow; shameless schmoop and angel-care ensues.
Bunker!Fic. Castiel has a flock of brothers and sisters to care for. Always a fan of the way anythingtoasted writes the dean/cas relationship development.
Home is Where by chasingrabbits
E | 15k | AU, Mental Disorders
Casual vagrant Dean Winchester blows into Palo Alto to check on his little brother. What is meant to be a quick visit ends up drawing out when he meets and accidentally ends up clicking with Sam's strange, grad student roommate Castiel.
The Graveyard by amarillogrande
E | 18k | College AU, bottom!dean, tattooed!cas
The premise is simple. You finish the bottle, you stick it up on the shelf. When you move out, you can look up and remember all the good times you had. Right?
Smooth Operator!Verse by wannaliveindeansdimples
E | 15k | Fluff, Hot, AU, Long Distance Relationship, Phone Sex
Castiel is a phone sex operator and Dean is a first time caller.
Messenger Number 3 by gamesformay
M | 23k | Theatre AU, Fluff
Opening night is closing in at the Lawrence Shakespeare Festival, and the play is cursed. As if that weren't enough for Dean, the head of the tech crew, to have on his mind. A tale of love, family, and iambic pentameter.
Dark Side of the Moon by imogenbynight
E | 37k | Angst, Astronaut AU, PTSD, Minor Character Death
Five months into his six month mission, an accident leaves Flight Engineer Dean Winchester stranded on the moon. It comes down to a man he has never met to bring him home.
Give All My Secrets Away by morganoconner
T | 2k | Fluff, H/C, Canon!verse
When Castiel needs to stay with Dean while the hunter is vulnerable and unable to defend himself, he doesn't expect it to end with confessions Dean doesn't mean to give.
Convenient Husbands by Scaramouche
E | 39k | AU, creature!cas, wing!kink
"It's only temporary, right?" Dean says. "Just until you're healed up, and then we'll never have to see each other again. So what do you say, Castiel, do you want to marry me or not?
Every Word a Piece of My Heart by smilla840
E | 10k | Dean/Jimmy/Cas
The war is over and Jimmy is finally free to go back to his family. Everything should be perfect – then why isn’t it?
The Parts of Our Sum by scaramouche
E | 55k | AU, Friendship
Castiel, a former soldier, has worked for the Company his entire life. They've been good to him, providing clothes, shelter and new body parts whenever necessary. Now the Company's gearing up for a space exploration voyage, and Castiel's volunteered for the research team. During the preparation period, he meets Dean Winchester, who makes Castiel wonder about the things he's missed out on.
What Has Eight Tentacles and Isn't Allowed to Eat Pie? by Scaramouche
T | 16k | Fluff, Canon!verse, tentacles
Dean watched an anime porn about this once, but real life turns out to be way less interesting. Or, the one where Dean gets turned into an octopus.
Shorten the Distance by APenToMyHeadandImDead
T | 43k | Fluff, AU, Teacher!Cas
"Nerdytr3nchcoat" and "Impala67" weren't looking for romance on the dating website called 'dateangels.com'. Castiel was looking for friends and Dean was just looking to get his nagging brother off his back. What they didn't expect to find was each other. [a long distance, online relationship fic]
Jump the Track by alysian_fields
E | 83k | High school AU
It's Dean's senior year at Lawrence High, and he's already given up on himself. It takes the arrival of the strange, intense, awkward Castiel Delacroix at the school to prove to Dean that maybe his life is worth saving after all.
Blackbird Fly ❤ by artsyunderstudy
E | 163k | Angst, High school AU, Sam/Jess, Drug Use, Mental Health Issues
In the wake of a mutual tragedy, the Winchester brothers befriend loner Castiel. Both brothers find something in him to hold onto as they try to remake their own complicated relationship and the home they've lost. Struggling with his own recovery, Sam finds himself drawn to the strong and lively Jess, while Castiel and Dean find comfort in one another. As consequences of their past emerge and threaten to tear apart what they've carefully rebuilt, they are all forced to reevaluate who their family really is, and what it's worth to keep it.
Oh the angst! This fic may be triggering for some, but the pros include a wonderfully portrayed sam/jess relationship, and stunning illustrations. Dean and Cas' relationship is heartbreakingly lovely and broken (but there is a happy ending).
A Broken Man & The Dawn by n_nami
E | 44k | Fluff, COCKLES, AU,
After his brother dies in a car accident, Jensen is left to take care of his newborn nephew - and he’s in over his head. Also, he has the feeling that the guy who just moved into the apartment next door hates him because of the crying baby that keeps him up all night. As it turns out, Misha not only has that set of mesmerizing blue eyes, but also a lot of intuition when it comes to fussing, cranky babies.
Jeté by cadniganv
E | 10k | AU, dancer!dean, photographer!cas
Castiel has been photographing their ballet company for two years now and he and Dean have barely exchanged six words, and yet somehow when Dean breaks his leg, it's Castiel who takes him home from the hospital and takes care of him.
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hi I don’t have DID but I did have a question about it. how do repressed memories work in a DID system? if I did my research correctly, “repressed memories” aren’t really a thing for anyone without a dissociative disorder, most people just forget parts of trauma due to normal forgetting, but people with DID and OSDD actually have repressed memories that aren’t due to normal forgetting. I’m very interested in that, can you explain it a bit, or at least what your experiences with it? thanks!
I actually took a bit to look this one up a bit more through my university’s research journals as I haven’t actually looked too much SPECIFICALLY into repressed memories XD ((Honestly Imma cry when I graduate because I won’t have free access to almost any animal, agriculture, biological, and psych research journal ;-;))
I was initially intending to do more research, however my internet died leaving me with the five sources I had collected before. I was going to see if I could find anything directly focusing on DID / OSDD and repressed memories as a specific focus, but I suppose I will respond with what I have here.
With that disclaimer out of the way…
I would say what you have researched is mostly correct, repressed memory and the clinical term for when repressed memory is extremely notable, occurring frequently, ongoing, and/or chronic, Dissociative Amnesia, is a dissociative symptom. However, to say that you would need a “dissociative disorder” to have repressed memories would be a bit of an absolute / heavy handed statement that is not only not researched or supported enough to say, and there has been some evidence to show otherwise. What is important is that there is a traumatic event and a “repression” and dissociation of the memory and while that is a dissociative symptom, having dissociative symptoms does not mean you have a dissociative disorder and one can have dissociative symptoms without having a dissociative disorder. PTSD and Complex PTSD have been shown to have repressed memories somewhat regularly and while some may argue if they count as a dissociative disorder as they are on the dissociative spectrum, they have been shown to have it. Additional, one of the sources I was reading from showed that Cluster B and C Personality disorders may present with repressed memories. One would have to take into account that there is a high comorbidity with dissociative disorders, PTSD / C-PTSD, and personality disorders, but it is possible to have repressed memories without necessarily being able to be diagnosed with a dissociative disorder.
Additionally, a lot of the time repressed memories, while not being able to be properly recalled initially can be shown to be present and affecting an individual with them unconsciously in the form of body memories (not remembering sexual / physical abuse and feeling pain where it happened for example) and hyper reactivity regarding memories not known for otherwise unapparent reasons. There is a lot of controversy between suggestibly created false memories and genuine repressed memories but repressed memories are certain to be a thing and often approaching them is best to find if there is information surrounding the time that the event supposedly occurred to see if information matches. However, for many, that kind of ability to match known information / accounts of others to the retrieved repressed memory can be hard / difficult.
Now the general information I researched about repressed memory out of the way, repressed memory / dissociative amnesia around traumatic events is different from naturally forgotten parts of trauma as the memory of a repressed memory is still strongly imbedded somewhere in the mind of the individual. Similarly to PTSD, the memory has latched itself deeply into the brain as an unprocessed traumatized event and as a result, the memory is generally actually considerably “fresh” feeling and is often easy territory for flashbacks and all aspects you would see someone with PTSD having towards a traumatic event (can’t stop thinking about it, memories appearing out of nowhere, flashbacks) if said memory was to be uprooted again. However, due to a dissociative wall or barrier around the memory, it is – on a conscious level – blocked out of the individuals memory. While the memory is very alive and unprocessed, the brain has compartmentalized and stored the memory away as to help the individual live despite the trauma that was experienced. For some people, this wall may be harder or easier to breach, sometimes small bits might trickle through, but the mind intentionally wants to keep this memory away.
When an individual naturally forgets a memory or parts of trauma, the event is generally vague but still there and it isn’t as charged cause it actually is a forgotten detail, where as with repressed memories they are still very strong memories similar to those of PTSD that are “hidden” and “swept under the rug” for more colloquial ways of explaining it. Through therapy or triggering related events these memories can be uprooted and brought to light where these repressed memories will return and behave like traumatic memories in PTSD would respond.
As for how this works specifically with DID / OSDD? I can’t say in a researched manner as I didn’t get the chance to research into that enough to confidently explain or assert anything. Instead, the bottom portions are going to be mainly on our own experiences as a system with DID regarding it.
For us, I suppose what many would consider “repressed memories” are mostly held by our trauma holders. I have little direct memory or direct experience with a lot of the trauma our system has been through (especially in our younger ages before seven as I have no memory other than hearsay) and a lot of our trauma for me are considerably repressed memories as I really don’t know much other than the summary / jest of what happened to us. For me, those memories are much like stories you hear from your friend as that is just about as much about them as I know. I know there is a lot that has happened to which on a fraction of them has Aderis has given one sentence explanations. None of those events I really remember, but they are events that she claims to have happened that the facts seem to line up with.
I honestly though don’t have too much experience with a lot of repressed memory, or at least recovering repressed memory, as I admittedly am EXTREMELY avoidant of recovering those memories regardless of if I consciously want to or not and Aderis is very protective about keeping a lot of those memories unknown or detatched.
[tw: minor memory recollection regarding food and neglectful parenting; this is one of the lesser traumatic instances so I was comfortable sharing it with more detail]
The only key moment of recovering a repressed memory that I could think of that I have personal experience with is one time our Little, in an attempt to try to give me more reason to get my parents to let us eat fried chicken, had shared (as in given me the full memory, first person, and all) of a dinner back when we were like five or six when we were eating fried chicken. I think it was processed to her as a happy fun childhood memory, but when it came over to me it was a really bad memory as even though our body and self were happy, I knew that it was the sixth day in a row we had fried chicken for dinner and that it would repetitively keep happening for weeks and weeks as our dad had been put in charge of taking care of the family while my mom worked and he was less than healthy, less than intelligent, and considerably neglectful to say the least
[tw: clear]
When that memory hit I actually had a really bad panic attack (internally cause around family) and it honestly kind of really messed up my relationship to chicken which, prior to gaining that memory, was one of my main staples in my diet. It is actually to the point that I find randomly the taste of chicken can actually set off a panic attack and flashback to that time. I hadn’t particularly remembered what our dinners were like back then, I knew they were laughably bad, but I hadn’t ACTUALLY known or remembered what it was like and having it return was heavy.
In a sense, I feel repressed memory in DID and OSDD might be correlated with the compartmentalization of the memory being almost allocated to alters to hold and handle rather than simply being a repressed memory. That is just a guess though.
Honestly I don’t know TOO much on this topic so that’s all I think I’ll say on it as I don’t really have much else from the research that I feel is fitting to the topic and I personally don’t feel confident enough on the topic with my own experiences. Apologies if this is a bit long. This is one of the things I wrote to pass time while my internet was dead.
Some research journals I read / searched for important parts to read from are here below, some if not most might not be accessible to the public without pay however unless you too have access from a university or similar.
Repressed Memory [x] [x]
Axis of Dissociative Amnesia [x]
Personality Disorders + Dissociative Amnesia [x]
-Riku (Host)
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Content Warning: Frank discussion of depression and suicidal themes.
One of the most controversial parts of the Timeless finale is the death of Garcia Flynn. The series staff and a section of the fandom believe it was an honorable, heroes’ death. The other side of the fandom believe it was nothing more than glorified suicide.
So, which is it?
Sometimes, when it comes to media, things are truly left up to interpretation and there is no right or wrong answer. Other times there is a clear answer which is obscured by a person’s prejudices or ignorance. (I want to state that ignorance is not inherently a bad thing. It simply means a person is unaware of specific facts/realities.)
So, let us break down what happens with Garcia Flynn, not just in this specific moment, but through all the events leading up to it.
We know that Flynn was suicidal when Lucy visits him in São Paulo. He tells her as much in season two when she asks him about the journal and how he came by it. His family had just been murdered in front of him (the movie later telling us only weeks before Christmas) and he was being blamed for it. Not only was his wife and daughter dead, but he had no support mechanism either. He was completely cut off and alone. It is unsurprising that Flynn would consider ending his life.
Then Lucy appears, gives him the journal, and… well… things become complicated.
The movie would like us to believe that this is a Closed Loop, but it’s not. As I explain here, the series has always had a Causal Loop which means the Lucy that visits the Flynn we meet in the pilot is not the same Lucy who meets the Flynn we see at the end of the movie. That isn’t even the same Flynn from the pilot as this Flynn has an older brother and possible other changes.
The Flynn we see in the show does not act like someone who has been told he will die without saving his family. Everything in the Season One finale completely contradicts a Future Lucy telling Flynn these things. From teasing her about aging well to screaming at her about trusting her with the life of his child. These are not the words or actions of someone who went through the São Paulo scene we were given.
But, this makes sense, because it’s a Causal Loop, not a Closed Loop, therefore we don’t actually know what the first Lucy told Pilot-Flynn. An assumption can be made that she offers some kind of hope since Flynn is basically the embodiment of hope throughout the series. As he tells Lucy, they will somehow save the people they love, as long as they don’t give up hope.
However, his depression never goes away. The more we see of Flynn, the more we see of his self-hatred and conflicted nature. He tells Lucy he doesn’t sleep. We see him haunted by memories of his family. There is the speech he gives to Lucy about having become something else, stopping short of calling himself a monster. And when Lucy tries to tell him he’s wrong, he can be a father again, he has a very classic case of depression brain saying ‘hold my beer’ and trying to prove what he believes to be true.
Throughout the first season, Flynn shows several signs of being passively suicidal. (This is when someone doesn’t actively try to take their life, but doesn’t try to safeguard it either, often letting themselves be put in dangerous situations because they just don’t care if they live or not.) The biggest moment is when Flynn saves his brother, he’s risking his own birth because his mother may never decide to leave the country if she has her eldest son to take care of.
A parallel can be drawn here between Flynn and Wyatt, the latter man being far more passively suicidal. During the pool scene in season two, Wyatt confirms this by admitting he took the mission because he figured it was a suicidal one and he didn’t care. This is most notable during the Alamo. When Wyatt decides to stay behind, this is literally a suicidal act. If Lucy hadn’t talked him out of staying, then his death would have been suicide, not a heroes’ death or risking his life, etc. He didn’t think his life was worth going back to, so he figured he’d go out ‘doing one good thing.’
This is very much the thought process of someone who is depressed and suicidal. Depression brain likes to minimize a person’s worth and positive impact. It ignores the fact that Wyatt likely saved thousands of lives getting that intel out, and just tells him he’s a failure… at everything. That he was expendable. But Lucy was there to remind him that he is not a failure, nor expendable. It’s enough to get him back on track long enough to get home. Though, odds are, if they hadn’t convinced Christopher to let Wyatt stay on the team, Wyatt would have gone back to drinking away his PTSD and possibly be dead within six months.
In season two, both men show progress away from these tendencies. Wyatt’s admission to his suicidal feelings was a good step in the right direction (though I would argue the healthiness of hanging his recovery on a romantic relationship). Flynn shows his progress by actively trying to stay alive in prison and get back after Rittenhouse.
We can also throw a parallel in here with Season Two Lucy. When she is betrayed by her mother and then believes her support mechanism is gone (Wyatt, Rufus, Jiya, etc), she actively decides to become a suicide bomber. She gets the grenades specifically to blow up the Mothership, with herself in it if she has to. But once she realizes she is not alone anymore, she scuttles that plan. However, the depression that had been building through both seasons gets magnified after being betrayed by her mother and the whole thing with Wyatt. She turns to alcohol, and one might interpret her chasing Emma as a passively suicidal move.
Now, back to the grenades, if Lucy had not run into the guys and had instead gone through with her plan, this would be classified as a suicide mission, not committing suicide. These are two different things, though yes, there is a fine line between. If she ran into them and decided to go through with her plan anyway, even though there were now clearly options, then it would be committing suicide.
And now here becomes the crux of the argument. What makes these things different?
Risking One’s Life: If you choose to do something dangerous to save someone, then you are risking your life. Running into a burning building, taking a bullet, these things aren’t guaranteed to kill you, but you know the risk is there.
Suicide Mission: If you choose to do something guaranteed to take your life for a perceived greater good, then it is a suicide mission. This is the ‘one person has to stay behind to throw the switch’ type scenarios. The ‘you’ll make it in but you’ll never make it out’ moments.
Committing Suicide: If you actively take steps to avoid being saved, ignoring obvious avenues of possible rescue or repair, then it is suicide. Saving another person(s) during this act does not minimize the fact that it is still suicide if you could both save the person and possibly yourself but choose not to.
Now, let’s look at how Flynn’s mission went down and see where it fits in the above.
First off, Flynn does not talk to anyone about his plan. He doesn’t say ‘hey, someone has to do it, someone has to take the risk, I’ll do it.’ He doesn’t give the team a chance to either a) stop him, or b) come up with a better solution.
The first part can be read many ways. It’s not inherently suicidal to not want to be stopped from doing something that would risk your life. But the second part is very telling. There was nothing that said that Rufus had to be saved right then. They only had the journal a very short time. A journal that Flynn admitted wasn’t always reliable. And they hadn’t even made a concrete plan of how to deal with Jessica or other options.
Instead, Flynn simply decides to slink away and risk his life on a plan that isn’t even fully formed or realized. This is clearly a passively suicidal action. Made all the more so by Flynn leaving a suicide note, for that is what the message to Lucy is. He may preface it with ‘if you’re reading this, I didn’t make it back’ but that does not change that he calls himself expendable, a direct parallel to Wyatt at the Alamo. This is his way of saying 'let me do this one good thing’ which we have already established is a clear sign of suicidal tendencies.
Flynn leaves the note then goes back (forward) to 2012 to take out Jess. Now, I won’t get into the logistics issue with this because a) if Rittenhouse wants her alive why would they ask her to get out of the car, and b) where the hell did he park the Lifeboat to be so close but not give himself away, c) did Jess really die that close to his home or did he call an Uber or something, and d) when he eventually dies on the beach near his own home why didn’t his fingerprints and DNA pop up in the system seeing as he’s an NSA agent?
Anyway, Jess dies, and then Flynn goes back to the Lifeboat. By this time he’s had some headaches but has basically been able to stay on his own timeline for quite a fair amount of time. Enough that one could reasonably assume that if they got out of their own timeline, they might actually survive. Yes, the script says that he believes he’s dead anyway, but there is no physical reason he should believe this.
He’s not bleeding out from a fatal wound. He is still mentally coherent enough to work the controls. All he has is some blurry vision and headaches. Now, if he interpreted these signs as reasons why he would not make the two-minute trip back, why would he assume he would be able to make it to his home and then far enough away from his home not to disrupt his life? If he thinks Rufus will be in 1848 and there isn't enough room in the Lifeboat, they can take two trips between 1848 and 2018, especially as the Lifeboat has a new power core. He should know this better than anyone seeing as he had the Mothership.
The only way his actions make any sense if his depression brain kicks in and convinces him to actively take steps that would end his life because what is the point of living anyway? He’s expendable. He’ll never save his family.
Let’s rewind for a second. When Flynn landed, what if he had immediately sent the Lifeboat back? While we can argue the idiocy of him running off like he did, it wouldn’t be such blatant suicide. Because yes, he doesn’t know if he will succeed on his mission. He doesn’t know if he will make it to Jess before his brain craps out. Or if Rittenhouse will get to him first. So sending the Lifeboat back immediately would actually be the smart, tactical move.
But no, he clearly believes he will make it back to the Lifeboat because otherwise he’s just stranded Lucy, Wyatt, and Jiya in 1848. So if he believed he’ll make it back once Jess was dealt with, why not go with the Lifeboat? He’s survived this long, perhaps leaving his own timeline will allow him to recover. Jiya recovered(mostly) from being the fourth person in the Lifeboat, so there is cause to believe he could survive this.
His decision to jump from the Lifeboat and stay on his own timeline where he is guaranteed to die is quite literally an act of suicide.
The mission is over. He has a chance to save himself. He chooses not to.
Garcia Flynn commits suicide.
This is made all the worse by the fact the team may not realize this is what he’s done. They know he went back to the Lifeboat after killing Jess, though it’s unsure how they could know he didn’t send it back before going after Jess. So maybe they do realize it was a suicidal act? Regardless, when 2023 Lucy tells Flynn he will die, she’s inadvertently, or purposely, telling a suicidal man to go ahead and kill himself, but not until he’s taken care of a few things for her first.
And again, this is a Causal Loop, not a Closed Loop. The simple fact that things like Amy, Emma, and Jess don’t appear in the journal, that the series staff admitted the journal can change, and missions listed in the journal don’t take place, prove that it’s a Causal Loop and it doesn’t have to play out the same way.
The team has five years to write a new journal, one that could literally fix everything. They could ensure Anthony doesn’t die and Mason Industries doesn’t blow up. They could bring back Amy. They could keep Jiya from both gaining her (forgotten about) powers and from getting stuck in Chinatown. They could even make sure Lucy and Wyatt end up together.
“What’s the point of having a time machine if you can’t fix your regrets?”
Instead, they tell a traumatize man to do horrible things, let him commit suicide over what he does, and call him a hero for it.
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