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brehaaorgana · 5 months

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ADHD money/budgeting system I'm currently using for my benefit is going well (I've been using it for like half a year now?), and I wanna recommend it.

You Need a Budget is EXCELLENT. 10/10 do recommend. Uhhh rambling about it and my generic disclaimers + gushing extensively under the cut but TL;DR I think it's great for ADHD ppl, I've used it for 6+ months now and I find it super SUPER helpful. also weirdly fun.

DISCLAIMERS:

Budgeting helps you understand/know your money, it can't make money appear where there is none.

Everyone should learn to budget even if you don't have much money (especially then)

This is NOT a magic trick solution. Just like everything else, it is an assistive tool. This is one of those adult things we can't simply opt out of without negative consequences, though.

My advice is based on something I am currently able to do. That is, I can spend an amount of money on this specific thing that works well for me. If you have no extra money to spend then previously I was tracking things in a notebook. So you can still do this.

I believe Dave Ramsey is a fundie fraud/hack and no one should listen to him about money.

DID YOU KNOW THEY CANCELLED MINT???

Okay? OKAY.

Ahem.

You Need a Budget is EXCELLENT.

It is called YNAB for short. The first 34 days are your free trial, and that is my referral link. If anyone uses it and then signs up for a subscription, we both get a month free. Also you can share a subscription with up to six people (account owner can see everything but individuals can pick and choose what they share amongst each other) so like...idk your whole polycule can be on one account. Or your kids. Whatever.

If you are a student, it's free for a year. If you aren't, a subscription is $99 for a year (paid all at once) or $14.99 monthly, which is equivalent to paying Amazon prime. Go cancel Prime and get this instead tbh.

They got a whole article just on ynab and ADHD. They also have like...a big variety of ways to access their info? They have a book, podcast episodes, YouTube videos, blog posts, q&A's, free live workshops you can join (you can request live captioning), emails they can send (if you want) a wiki, and so on. They got workshops on all kinds of topics!!

So whatever ends up working for your brain. It also has a matching app.

If you lost Mint this year they have a gajillion things for moving from Mint.

Also they have a "got five minutes?" Page which has a slider so you can decide how much attention/time you have before going on lol:

They only have 4 rules of the budget, they're simple and practical, and it doesn't get judgey or like...mean about your spending.

1. Give every dollar a job 2. Embrace your true expenses 3. Roll with the punches 4. Age your money.

THEN THEY BREAK THESE DOWN INTO SMALL STEPS FOR YOU! They even have a printable! Also these rules are great because there's built in expectations that things WILL HAPPEN and it's NOT all or nothing with a fear of total collapse into failure. Reality and The Plan don't always align, especially if you have ADHD. So it's directing our energy towards the true expenses and not clinging to The Plan!! over reality.

You can automate a lot of shit (you can sync with your bank accounts just like mint, but also automate tagging the categories of regular expenses/transactions). And if for whatever reason you accidentally do something that makes the budget look weird or wrong:

A) you can usually fix it somehow OR b) they have like, a button you can press that gives you a clean slate and archives the previous version of the budget for you.

So if you forget for a few weeks or months, or accidentally input something wildly wrong, or just don't want to look at a really terrible month anymore and feel like you need a fresh start you can usually either fix it or start fresh which is really nice.

The app also (for whatever reason) scratches my itch to have things like...have incentives or little game-like goals in a way mint never did? I don't know why. Filling up the bars or putting money into the categories to cover my expenses is satisfying lmao. You can also make a big wish expense category for all the fun shit you want, and fund it whenever you can and then you can see the little bar go up and that's fun.

Anyways I've been using it for like 6+ months now and I think it's really helped me when I use it.

#adhd #adhd money #adult adhd #ynab #adhd blogging

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mickeyswhore · 7 months

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You're Mine Now

A/N: Let me know if I should make a part 2, guys. 🥰

Summary: After Mickey was shot, he left the college and became a hitman. His newest target? You. But he didn't want to kill you, so he decided to take you and make you his.

Mickey Altieri x Reader

Warnings: smut, dark, Mickey's POV, unsavory language, Stockholm syndrome, a dash of daddy kink, talks about murder

(this pic gave the inspo, actually)

Mickey had the foresight to escape after Mrs. Loomis shot him, he wanted to kill the bitch but she was finished off so he was fine. He got all of the money he had access from the bank account before it was closed by the police, so he was able to get by for a couple of years. He went back to the forums where he met Mrs Loomis so he started killing people for hire, it was quickly paying off quickly, he was able to be completely underground and it was great, getting paid for doing what you love.

It has been years now, Mickey was in a routine now. His fees were astronomical because he was the best of what he did, and he made no excuses about it, his only rule was no children, even murderous psychopaths had a line, and that was Mickey’s. Usually his customers were powerful men not wanting to deal with prenups, competitors in their fields, or simply people that pissed them off and that allowed him to walk around the higher circles and Mickey loves the finer things in life, so is a win win situation.

Mickey now was about to meet with a potential client, now he only accepts new customers through referrals, so it doesn’t blow back on him. Only now with all of his security measures in place, Mickey realises in how much danger he was by just accepting random anonymous messages, young and dumb as they say. The building was in a high end hotel, Mickey knew the owner so he knows that every recording of him is prompted deleted. He was wearing his signature full black tailored suit, Mickey was a silver fox now, he was glad that between balding and going gray, it was the latter for him.

“Mr. Wadsworth, how do you do?” The man was probably the same age as Mickey but he was in a disgusting shape, balding and a huge gut, it disgusted Mickey to no end. He took great pride in his appearance, he never understood why other people didn't.

“Mr…I didn't catch your name?” His voice was annoying, Mickey thought, definitely won’t be a regular client.

“That is because I didn't give it to you, shall we?” Mickey motioned for him to sit, which Mr. Wadsworth did. “So, what is the sensitive matter that would like me to handle?” Mickey was always adamant about using vague language, nothing that would look bad on a court reading, was his motto.

“I want a permit for drilling oil but the land is protected by law, there is one senator that is blocking it, I simply need him to have a family emergency, him not being around wouldn’t be good for business.” Mickey laughed, at least he had the foresight to know that getting rid of the only senator blocking his progress would be idiotic, you’d be surprised how many people able to afford a hitman are dumb to target the most obvious person.

“Great, who would be causing the family emergency?” The man passed Mickey the folder, he didn't look at it, Mickey was always adamant about doing his own research.

“It needs to be done before next month.” Mickey nodded and got up from his seat, this man was incredibly dull so he couldn’t wait to leave.

“I know my schedule, transfer half of the money and you’ll hear from me after is done.” They shook hands and Mickey went to his hotel room, it was where he preferred to work. Mickey had a house with way too many acres but he was barely there, if he was being honest it wasn’t conductive to business and it was lonely. Mickey always had one night stands, he hated (loved) to brag but getting women was not an issue for him at all, but an actual relationship? Not likely.

He opened the folder and he saw a photo of the target, the daughter of the senator, you. Seeing your photo made Mickey stop, what a fucking waste, he thought. You were fucking hot, he thought about maybe seducing you and then kill you but would that be enough? Mickey started reading about you, it was comical how much younger you were from Mickey, he was old enough to be his daughter, in his fucked up mind Mickey being so much older than you got him excited.

You were in university, no boyfriend made Mickey smile, from the files it seems as if you were a bit of a loner. He was going to start stalking you and to get close to you, and see how is the best way to do his job. Mickey finished reading your files and went to bed, he was painfully hard now, he simply decided to ignore it and focus on his task, you.

Mickey thought it was way too early, but apparently you woke up that early to go to the library, then your favourite local coffee shop. He got to the library before you, and then you entered the store, it was summer so you were wearing a blue summer dress, Mickey thought you looked delicious. You said hi to the worker and was getting closer to where he was, which was the classics. Mickey was now in character, pretending to ponder on which book to choose, he sighed and that got your attention.

“Hey, sorry to bother you but do you need help?” You tapped him on the shoulder and when Mickey turned to you he wanted to laugh at your reaction, your mouth was open it was clear as day that you found him attractive, that was always made the job much easier.

“It is that obvious that I need help?” Mickey let out a fake embarrassed laugh, it was easy to act like a dork sometimes, Mickey thought.

“Well, no. But you are holding one of my favourites and I need to know why you haven’t chosen it yet.” You were behaving like a school girl with a crush, the giggling, the hand on your face to hide the embarrassment, Mickey thought it was extremely cute.

“It’s for my niece, she just started university and I want to give her a nice gift. Do you think that should I just bite the bullet and buy both?” He gave you his million dollar smile and he could see you melting, you were adorable.

“If you can, I would. Especially if she’s a book worm like me.” You laughed again, and Mickey could see that you couldn’t hold eye contact him and he loved it.

“I can’t believe that you are a book worm, how can such a beautiful woman like you be buried in books? I guess that you have the beauty and the brains, then?” You touched Mickey’s arm while laughing, he got closer to you and you did too.

“You are too kind, sir.” Mickey took a deep breath, you calling him sir being so close to him was making him incredibly hard.

“I’m Mickey, by the way.” He extended his hand for you to shake it and you introduced yourself. Your whole demeanor, voice and body was intoxicating for Mickey, he wanted you, not just for one night, he wanted you to be his forever. “I know this is probably too much too soon but…would you like to get a cup of coffee with me?” He looked at you with a smirk, you looked so flustered and Mickey loved every second of it.

“Yes, there’s a coffee shop that I love.” You and Mickey went to the counter and he paid for both books, he could tell that you were admiring him, his suit, the way Mickey carried himself, he could tell that you enjoyed everything about him.

“Shall we? My car is parked right out front.” Mickey’s hand went on your lower back, he could tell that you enjoyed the contact, getting to the door he made sure to open the door for you. He did the same with his car door, his car was spacious and he could tell that you liked it. “You’re gonna have to guide me, because I moved here a couple months back and I still don’t know my way around it.” The two of you smiled and you were more than happy to give him directions to the coffee shop.

Getting there Mickey could tell that people were staring at him, it was a regular occurrence but he could tell that it was a bit weird for you, so he made sure to be touching you at all times, Mickey pulled the chair out for you and acted like the perfect gentleman for you, he was proud on that fact.

“So, what do you do for a living Mickey?” He could tell that you were nervous, afraid of saying the wrong thing and mess it up but that wouldn’t happen with Mickey to smooth out any situation.

“Consulting, they pay an obscene amount of money to put out their fires.” It was true, his killing rates were astronomical, and he did what he loved. “What about you, sweetheart?” You giggled like a schoolgirl and tried to cover it up with a cough, Mickey tought it was the sweetest thing ever.

“I’m in university at the moment, but I still have no idea what I’m going to do…maybe you can teach me more about consulting?” Mickey could see the attempt of trying to get his number and he smiled.

“I’d be more than happy to teach you anything you want, sweetheart.” Mickey put his hand on yours and you looked at it and he saw how your breathing changed, oh you were horny, Mickey thought to himself.

“I’d like that.” You said in a breathy voice and Mickey knew you were a goner.

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After your first date, Mickey made sure to take your contact details and he was now a staple in your life. He was the first person you called when you had anything going on in your life, and it has only been a week. Mickey on the other hand was utterly obsessed with you, and he already that he wasn’t going to kill you and that you were going to be with him for the rest of your life. He already had everything ready, and he made sure to destroy the life of the man that wanted you dead and if you were with him, no one would try to kill you because of your father ever again.

Mickey went to the restaurant to meet you, today was the day that he was going to make you his fully. His house was already set for you to be there, no work for a while to pay full attention to you, Mickey never felt this way before, and he wasn’t going to give up on you, he owned you, it was only a matter of time for you to find out.

“How are you, sweetheart?” You went to Mickey and kissed him, and he took advantage of that and put the drug on your drink.

“I’m great, I can’t wait for you to meet my parents.” Mickey smiled, another reason why he wanted to take you away, not having to meet your parents.

“Me too, sweetheart.” The two of you started talking about other things, and you started getting a bit sleepy. “Are you okay, baby?” Mickey looked so concerned, it almost looked real.

“Yeah, yeah…just a bit tired.” You yawned and Mickey asked for the check, the drug was going to knock you out in a few minutes.

“Let’s get you home, sweetheart.” He paid with cash, as always and guided you to his car. As soon as you got there, sleep took over you.

Mickey started driving, he made the point of not initiating any intimacy with you, he wanted you fully comfortable with him. He looked at your exposed legs and Mickey caressed it, your skin was so smooth, he felt like a goddamn teenager, getting hard just by feeling your leg. He focused on the road, otherwise he would start fucking you before you woke up.

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When Mickey arrived with you still asleep it was evening, he took you out of the car and carried you to his house. House was an understatement, it was a mansion but Mickey hated to brag. He had a bedroom ready for you, it didn't open from the inside, he knew that you were going to freak out for a couple of days and he needed to break you in.

He decorated the bedroom in a way that he knew you would enjoy, he put you on the bed and left. Watching you on the camera, Mickey grabbed a beer and waited for you to wake up. He knew that he could be quite obsessive but there was something about you because Mickey never went through so much trouble just for some pussy.

Hours passed and you started to wake up, Mickey could see and he was excited about it. He could tell that you were starting to freak out.

“Hello?” Your voice was cracking, and Mickey couldn’t help but groan. He loved hearing you so helpless. “Is there anyone out there?” He could see that you were about to cry, Mickey knew he was fucked in the head, he was since a child but hearing you cry? Fuck, that making him incredibly hard. “Is my boyfriend alright?” Mickey groaned, you were worried about him? Fuck, he started palming himself through his trousers. “Please, don’t hurt him.” Tears were running down your cheeks and Mickey got his cock out and he started stroking it, while he could hear you cry, his strokes got quicker. “Please.” Mickey groaned, and his strokes got quicker. “Please, I’ll do anything.” He started massaging his balls and with the way you were begging? Mickey was going to cum anytime now. “Please.” Mickey came, hard. He got all of his trousers dirty, but it didn't matter.

Mickey didn't talk to you, he only gave you food. It has been days, you were going insane and every time you cried, he was jerking off. He decided to taunt you and got something he hasn’t used in years, the Ghostface voice modulator.

“Good morning, bunny.” The voice boomed across the bedroom and you were scared.

“Who are you?” You sounded almost happy to have a human interaction and Mickey could see how much you craved for it. “Are you going to kill me?” Tears started running down your face, you were so scared. “Where is Mickey?” Seeing how much you were worried about him, Mickey was enjoying every second of it.

“I could never kill you, if you must know someone wanted to kill you, I simply got in the way. This is for your protection.” You started yelling and crying so Mickey stopped talking, and you fell asleep after doing it for hours.

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It has been a whole month, Mickey could see it was getting to you, your mental state was very fragile and he knew this. So now it was time to show himself to you, next part of the plan. Mickey was sure Stockholm Syndrome would make you so malleable, perfect to be his perfect little doll. You were asleep when Mickey opened the door, he watched you for a few minutes, you looked so peaceful.

“Sweetheart, wake up.” He shook you, and you woke up. As soon as you saw Mickey, you started kissing him.

“Oh my God, are you okay? Mickey, I thought they killed you.” Mickey had a couple of fake bruises on his face, but he thought of something different now.

“How could they kill me when it’s my house, bunny?” He used the voice modulator and you just looked at him, but it was curious, you didn't stop touching Mickey.

“It was you?” You whispered, but your hands were still on Mickey and he was smirking at you.

“Of course, I couldn’t let them kill you, bunny.” Mickey started touching your face and you leaned into his touch.

“You love me?” You whispered, he could see the wheels turning in your head.

“Of course, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.” After those words were uttered, you jumped on Mickey.

You started removing his shirt, you were wearing a silk nightgown and nothing underneath. Mickey started kissing you, it was all teeth and passion, he removed your nightgown and you removed his cock from his trousers.

“I need this, daddy.” You stradled him and aligned his cock at your entrance, Mickey couldn’t believe any of this. It was as if you were possessed.

Mickey put your nipple in his mouth, you were bouncing on his cock, he could feel how wet you were.

“Keep bouncing on my cock, bunny.” The two of you were on the floor, there was no time to get into bed. You were moaning and bouncing on his big and thick cock, your pussy felt like heaven for Mickey, he was never letting you go now.

“Fuck, daddy.” You screamed, and he could tell you were going to cum.

“Oh, I can tell you’re going to cum bunny. Come on, cum all over my cock little bunny.” He bit your left breast making you moan and then you pulled his hair and Mickey could feel you cumming around his cock.

You were exhausted, you put your head on his shoulder and Mickey started cumming inside you and you moaned. This was perfect, Mickey picked you up and put you on the bed. You started whining and he laid with you, and you laid on top of Mickey.

“I love you, never leave me.” After this, you fell asleep. Mickey smiled, this was way better than he ever imagined.

"Don't worry, bunny. You're mine now." He kissed your forehead and fell asleep as well.

#mickey altieri x reader #mickey altieri imagine #mickey altieri smut #mickey altieri x you #mickey altieri #slasher fanfiction #scream franchise #scream imagine #scream 2

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corporatefrog · 1 year

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꒦‧₊ ꒷ headcannons: team stan with a careless friend✧.*

✧.* tags: college au

✧.* Characters: kenny mccormick, kyle broflovski, stan marsh, eric cartman, butters stotch

a/n: I usually don't add cartman to these things bc he stinks+loser+annoying+suckmydick but I know he'd take advantage of someone who hod so sense of mortality so he gets a pass this time ig.

masterlist

Kenny

He mistakes the carelessness for spontaneity and immediately assigns you as his go to “lets do something stupid I just thought of” partner

He’s a “try everything once” kind of guy so it’s perfect that you have no sense of self preservation

“Kenny stand on the other side of the field, I wanna see how far I can throw my phone.”

“Okay.”

You both infuriate stan to no end

#annoyingduo in the best way possible

Do NOT put the two of you in the same room at a party

All of a sudden there’s a 15 person game of just dance happening but there’s no screen?? You’re all just doing moves you saw on just dance

Everyday is a new adventure

Kenny probably has an eye out for you though

He can die doing something stupid and be back the next day but you on the other hand are not

Gotta keep his partner in crime alive! There’s a bunch of other things on his “before I die (for real)” bucket list that you still need to mark off

Kyle

You just get caught up in the moment! You have such a wonder for life!

Kyle doesn’t get it sometimes seeing as he tries to view everything logically.

He’s more like a babysitter when you both go somewhere

“You did not just spend $300 on knock off jordans from a random man on the street corner.”

“I did and they’re the comfiest shoes I’ve ever worn. He told me they’ll cure my posture problems.”

“Do you just believe anything someone tells you?”

“Coming from someone who almost cried when I didn’t use his Candy Crush referral code so he could get more lives, that’s really rich.”

Okay so he gets swept up in trends sometimes. At least he understands his own mortality!

After the third time you try to learn how to do a backflip and fail miserably, he has to leave the room to keep from screaming

keeps a mental count of the things you do every day that should kill you

the current record is 14

Stan

He doesn’t understand how you can just go through your day without a care

Are you not afraid of dying? That’s like 32% of his thoughts during the day

“Fuck I dropped my credit card down the drain. Stan, hold my ankles while I reach down to grab it.”

“I can literally see the used heroin needles down there.”

“Okay and??? Not my fault the city doesn’t have a safe use zone, I need that card!”

One time you guys were leaving a store and the alarm went off

Stan turned to ask you if you got the security tags removed but you we’re already sprinting halfway across the mall

Not because you stole anything, but because you saw jimmy, clyde, and tolkien walking out of a store and wanted to say hi

And then you spent the rest of the day being lectured by an underpaid paul blart wannabe

Stan was freaking out because he thought you would get arrested for causing a scene or something (they find any reason to arrest someone in south park)

But all you did was laugh in that light hearted, careless way you always do

Cartman

Bro will manipulate your carelessness for all its worth

You are now the second person he calls when he has some stupid plot that needs someone who doesn’t understand the concept of death

If kenny’s busy, you’re on speed dial

Honestly, you’re probably the first call because you’ll do something stupid without needing to be paid!

Free labor!

Wanna work at dicknbaus hot dogs for 14 hours with no pay? It’s free hotdogs! You’re in!

Hes an exploitative motherfucker

Thats all im here to say about it

butters

You’re going to give him a heart attack

One time you purposely kicked a medicine ball to see how far it would go and broke your foot

And he was more worried about your foot than you were!

“Oh jesus, can you move it?”

“Um… no I don’t think so. Lemme take off my sock”

“AH ITS PURPLE!”

“Oh damn, you’re right. That’s a nice shade though, I was thinking of painting my room that color!”

“NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE TALKING ABOUT THIS”

Unlike kyle, he can’t force himself to ignore your careless nature

He’s always worrying about you

He’ll suggest you both go to first aid classes or cpr training whenever you hang out “just for fun!”

but really he needs to know that you at least have some first aid knowledge if you're going to keep running around like death is a social construct

#you can't care about living if you're in south park tbh #there's a level of idiocy that's necessary to survive there lmao #south park #south park headcanons #south park x reader #stan marsh #kyle broflovski #kenny mccormick #eric cartman #butters stotch #corporatefrog

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generalchelseamayhem · 1 year

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Unpopular Opinion: "Men suffer from toxic (you know what goes here) and Women suffer from sexism" is a fancy way of saying women are allowed to snap from trauma, whereas men should blame themselves and make sure they're never a danger to anyone else.

And boy, does society love that last one. Victim blaming at its finest.

This ask hits kind of a personally relevant note for me, so apologies if this is longer than you expected.

I think there's some kind of logic behind this, like people will say this about a woman on the assumption that she has exhausted every possible avenue of help, and found no help forthcoming, whereas they will say the other thing about a man on the assumption that help has been offered to him and he flatly refused to take it. Men will do anything rather than go to therapy! etc. etc.

And I think what this misses is the ways that everyone, including these same people, can even unknowingly disincentivise men from actually getting help.

I haven't told anyone I know IRL about this, but yesterday, I started therapy. It's costing me money out of my own pocket because Medicare only covers about 65% of the full price of an appointment—and that's if you've already gone to a GP and paid more money to get a referral. I digress. The point is, every single one of my friends I opened up to about my problems was like "Dude. Seek help. Now." It kinda made me feel ashamed for opening up about my problems in the first place, to anyone other than a trained professional. Yes, there was also a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th place, so I can understand how it might have been hard to deal with, but the feeling remained.

Eventually, it reached the point where I could no longer justify my "self-improvement using only myself" regimen against my punishingly restrictive budget. Not only because my ability to cope reached an end, but because my budget finally got a bit more relaxed. So I listened to my friends and booked an appointment with my GP, then with a psychologist she referred me to.

First impressions are everything, and I have to be frank, I don't think I built much of a rapport with this guy. But the main issue was—

If you've ever had mental health issues, what's the one thing that always prevents you from seeking help?

Correct, that your problems are tiny and not worthy of consideration next to the grand scale of human suffering. Why should the psychologist be helping you, when there are actively suicidal people or people in prison or abuse survivors, all with way worse problems than you, whom he could be helping instead?

People around you will insist that all mental health struggles are valid, that there isn't, like, a minimum standard for how desperate you need to feel before you seek help.

I wasn't really sure how to start, so I just told him the story of what happened to me during the pandemic. The way my ex and I drifted apart, the way I sacrificed some of my needs during that time to make sure hers were met, the financial pressure I felt from my parents cajoling me into buying a house, other seemingly close friends (at least 3 of them?) ghosting me without the slightest explanation.

And all he could say at the end, when I'd run out of things to talk about, was "What do you want me to do here?"

I can understand why a question like that might be asked in therapy settings, but hearing it so bluntly like that... it genuinely made me feel like my problems were insignificant on a scale I hadn't imagined. It was said in a way that suggested there was nothing here for us to latch onto, nothing for us to improve upon, just me whining about stuff that happened ages ago. It hurt.

Obviously I didn't have much of an answer to give. If I knew what to do about the things that were making me feel sad, I would have done them myself without paying $60 for a middle-man to tell me to do them. Broadly speaking, I would like the bad feelings to go away and my awkward behaviour in certain situations to stop! Was that not obvious? You're the expert! If you listened to me talk for 40 minutes and you don't think there's a clear and obvious way forward, what does that say about the scope and severity of my problems?

I don't think I'll stick with this guy. My point here is, I think people should be a lot more careful about recommending therapy to men, because they can be so careless about dismissing men's problems out of hand with the other side of their mouth. Whether that takes the form of mocking people for male tears, or chastising them because women aren't your therapists and can't be expected to perform that kind of emotional labour, or any other of a number of subconscious biases that still insist "Your problems aren't actually real."

To be quite honest, I don't even think therapy will be a productive avenue for me. That kind of thing never factors into these conversations though, and I think that's because a lot of "men need therapy" discourse is entirely performative.

#for mental health purposes #men's issues #toxic masculinity #ask

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timeoverload · 2 months

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I am glad today is over. It was a lot more hectic than I was anticipating. There are only 4 people working the morning shift now including me so now I have a lot more to worry about. Nobody has applied for the open positions but I guess I understand. I don't blame them. I remember that I only took this job because I was broke and desperate since I had just moved back from Florida. In the interview they warned me about what I had to deal with. Sometimes I wish I would have just walked away back then but I do think it has helped me grow a lot even though it isn't very fun.

I got pissed earlier because I got yelled at by one of the nurses. There was a pan missing an instrument and I know I had written on the label that it was missing before I sterilized it yesterday. They didn't notice the note on the label and opened it anyway. The nurse came storming out of the operating room with the pan and started throwing a fit about it. It was a problem yesterday too and she was like, "this is the second day in a row you have done this!". I know I had labeled the pan from yesterday too but they weren't paying attention. It is not her job to talk to me about that stuff. The surgical techs are the ones that are responsible for that and she didn't need to be like that. It didn't delay anything and no one else was upset about it. I didn't do anything wrong. She just likes to take her frustration out on everyone around her because it is obvious that she is unhappy with her own life. I have known her for years and she has always been like that. I try to be nice to her but it doesn't matter so I'm just going to ignore her. She is twice my age but she doesn't act like it. I guess some people never grow up. I got really upset after that happened and I said something about being bad at my job. Another nurse heard me say that and she stood up for me. She was very nice and that made me feel a lot better. I appreciated her support and it helped me calm down. I decided I am just going to leave that pan down until I get a replacement for the instrument that is missing so I can avoid any more drama.

That guy that has a crush on me came up to me to apologize for sending me weird pictures last week. There were a couple selfies and also some pictures of food without context. He told me he was just hungry because he has been fasting during the day for a while. He is a strange man and I don't understand him. He is the same guy that asked where I go to hide at work when I need to cry on his first day. He just says the most random shit and I don't know how he comes up with it on the spot. Sometimes it is too much. I guess I am just glad things aren't as awkward now but I am still trying to avoid being around him too much.

I am happy that I got everything done before I had to leave so I don't have to worry about it in the morning. Hopefully people are in a better mood tomorrow. There are a lot of totals though so I don't know how it's going to go.

I don't want to think about work anymore. I have so much I need to get done at home and I am overwhelmed. I don't know where to start. I need to try to focus on that more I think.

The doctor's office called today and told me I am getting a referral for PT. I told them I didn't want to schedule anything right now because I don't have transportation so I will have to call them when I'm ready. I really hate going to PT after work and I know it is going to be too much of a hassle to leave in the middle of the day. I don't want to do it at all. I will be more exhausted than I already am. I don't want to think about that anymore either because there's nothing I can do at the moment.

I guess I am going to try to relax soon. I don't have much else to talk about. I hope that tomorrow is a good day.

I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow too. :) 💖💖💖

#personal

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strugglinguist · 1 year

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Do you mind sharing more about your hospital experience if it isn't too traumatic? I also have IST and EDS and this is a fear I have, so i'd like to hear your experience. Thank you ❤️

Not at all! Last January, I was teaching and stood up to use the board. I immediately broke out into sweat from everywhere, got tunnel vision, and felt light headed. It freaked me out, and then it kept happening. Usually went I stood but not always. After fighting a doctor who swore I had just been drinking too much caffeine (ugh that’s a whole story) I finally wore a heart monitor for a few days and we were waiting to get into a cardiologist.

By March, I was pretty desperate to figure out what was going on. My heart rate was acting like I was sprinting on and off all day, and I was exhausted. They told me that if I went to the ER, it might expedite the referral. I was planning on going and basically doing a sit in until I could be seen. The night before I had planned on going, however, I was watching TV and my watch warned me my heart rate was high. I watched it climb to 175 and it wouldn’t go down. I was shaking and getting tunnel vision and panicked. We called an ambulance. They brought me in, again assuming it was something like anxiety, but it didn’t go down. They hooked me up to monitors and did blood work and a CAT scan to check for clots. Everything came back that it wasn’t super scary, so we waited for my heart rate to dip below 100 bpm before I could go home. That took six hours. I was in a cardiologist by the end of the week! We did a stress test and a tilt table eventually, determining that it wasn’t postural but my heart definitely likes to race… but perfectly normally. So I’m on beta blockers, and that alleviates most of my issues. The highest my heart rate tends to get now is 120-130 and my resting heart rate is actually in the normal range.

This is also related to EDS. I’ve been formally diagnosed with Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder with the understanding that it’s most likely hEDS, but since there’s no firm test or treatment the rheumatologist said HSD would serve us fine. We discovered the hypermobility the October before my heart got in on the game. I went in complaining about my knee crunching, they found arthritis, and my PT went “ohhhh you’re so hypermobile.”. My lower body is the main issue: lower back, knees, ankles, and feet. We kind of opened Pandora’s box with joint pain then, realizing I use the wrong muscle groups to walk and climb stairs, and I’m only now seeing relief and pay off with my knees and feet thanks to an anti-inflammatory med, PT, and custom orthotics for my shoes. I also use a cane full time to have support when walking if pain flares so I can keep going instead of waiting for it to pass.

I’m happy to talk more about it! It’s been a few years of me coming to terms with being visibly disabled and the limitations that life has now. But it’s also a relief to find explanations for things, too ☺️

Edit: In terms of hospital experience, I have found that they are nice enough but shy away from complex cases. Same for specialists I’ve seen. It takes a lot of advocating for yourself to get what you need, and I am always down to share the frustrating aspects of that and what I’ve learned to ask.

#hsd #IST #heds #disabled #answered

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khaleesiofalicante · 1 year

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Hey Dani, I was wondering if you or others who read this could give me some advice?

I sent an ask about a month ago about learning to drive and things have progressed since then (not necessarily positively 😅)

I'm experiencing severe anxiety before every lesson, often days beforehand, and the night before a lesson, I have a fretful sleep or wake up at 5am and not being able to go back to sleep. I haven't felt this type of anxiety for years, since I was 17.

Then yesterday, my instructor shouted at me 'for fuck's sake!' When I didn't slow down enough when turning left (I was below 20mph, probably closer to 15) and there were no hazards so it wasn't an unconscious reaction to something dangerous. I told my dad about it, who can drive, and he agreed it seemed extreme. And then I realised the instructor would make comments like 'I'm dreading doing the emergency stop with you' and 'do you only stir the car when I tell you?'. So I'm thinking now, has his reactions to me driving made me feel anxious more than I normally would?

I know the obvious solution is to change instructor but the things putting me off doing that is:

Pure awkwardness of saying I don't want to do lessons with him anymore

It took me 3-4 months to find this instructor to begin with

Fear that most instructors are going to be like this with me

What advice would you give? X

Hello darling,

Glad to hear from you again and I'm sorry you are going through this.

I agree with your dad that the instructor's reaction is extreme - also extremely disrespectful.

I've always noticed that educators - and people in supervisory capacity - sometimes have a tendency to be casually rude because they feel like it's warranted.

It's really not.

There is a difference between giving criticism and being a dick. Your instructor is being a dick.

I remember you talking about your driving anxiety before, but now it feels like this person is adding to it and you don't deserve that. I'm sure it's not making it any easier for you.

I would personally get a new instructor because often we don't have the luxury of getting a new teacher if our current one is a dick. We just have to put up with them. But in this case, if you can find a better one, please do. I get that it's hard to find these people, but do give it a try if you can.

If you are feeling awkward about saying you don't want to practice with him anymore, perhaps ask your parents to do it for you. You can simply say 'she is taking a break from her lessons' or something. Remember that he is providing you a service and you are paying for it. If you are not satisfied with this service, you have the right to terminate his services. There is nothing wrong with it.

I understand your hesitation about other instructors also being rude to you. I would ask around for someone who is patient and understanding - referrals would be very useful here.

Also, I want to remind you that (unless getting your license is a requirement for a job or any other personal reason) don't push yourself too much. You can always take a break from driving, come back later, and try again with a different instructor. When something is making you anxious, do not think of it has something that needs to be conquered. Anxiety is something we learn to live and manage with time. It doesn't go away, we just become better at handling it. You need time and space to do that. If you are in an environment that is unsupportive and if you repeatedly push yourself knowing it will make you more anxious, it's gonna be difficult for you to learn how to manage it. So, take your time, yeah? There is no rush.

PS - I don't have a license myself and never went for classes and therefore cannot give you any practical tips about that. If anyone wants to chime in, please do x

Sending love 💙

#support

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fairycosmos · 1 year

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hi love, hope you're doing well, I know a lot of people say this BC it's true but your posts and advice and wisdom etc etc is just sooo lovely to read honestly. so I saw you used to be a TA but quit cos it was like too much for your mh and stuff I'm in the exact same position rn and I just wondered if u have any like info/advice anything really like... obv dw about me taking whatever u say as too final but like, is it a silly job role to have when ur someone who really finds life so draining so easily and struggles w mental health often? like even tho working w kids is lush in general. cos Im on a break rn w an agency and then planning on going part time at some point but even then that seems scary af.

hiii sorry for the late response to this - i hope you still see it. i wanted to say i totally understand being overwhelmed in this way. working with kids can be wonderful but it is also absolutely draining and when you're already emotionally drained just in general- it gets to be a lot. i was at a breaking point with it, too. just the constant pressure of it. needing to take a step back is absolutely fine. last time i worked childcare, i was (i guess i still am lol) incredibly depressed, and with the insane hours i was working (it was a nursery that stayed open late LOL) and the high-stress esp for low pay (apprenticeship wages 🙄) it just wasn't sustainable. something had to give at that moment for me to feel like staying alive was even possible, and it's alright to admit that. i think when i quit, i even told my boss something along the lines of "im not giving the children the presence of mind they deserve because im in a really bad place right now', and it kind of helped me to frame it that way. that by doing what was right for me, i would also be doing what was right for the kids, even if it was painful and bittersweet and made me feel like a failure.

i guess i also want to say that just because you're feeling this way right now, like you need to pull the brakes on your job a little bit, doesn't mean you always will. and two (or more) things can absolutely be true at once - you can be great at what you do, have a genuine love for it, want to return to it in the future, and still be completely fucking exhausted by it all. i think doing what you can to reach out in terms of your mh and making that a priority would definitely serve you well in the long run. i took a break from it and now, when im starting to consider seeking part-time TA work again, i can see advantages of the job now that im looking from afar + after a break to recalibrate my mind and my approach. part-time hours might be a great compromise for you that works out - its a lot less overwhelming and a lot more manageable - but if that still ends up feeling like too much for you, that's okay. it's pretty clear that you're burnt out and in need of some deep emotional rest and catharsis, someone to talk through your feelings with so you can examine where they come from and how to cope with them healthily in the future, which is totally understandable - most people need that or a version of it at one point or another. i know the nhs is on its last legs esp in terms of mental health care, but i would encourage you to ask your doctor for a referral + seek out support groups in your area or any cost-effective private therapy practices if that's an option for you (a lot of them are willing to work with clients to agree on a manageable price.) anyway sorry for rambling, i think i just wanted you to know that you have numerous ways forward here and that your current stress level is completely justified + relatable to me as a TA with MH struggles. i think it's about finding a balance, whatever that looks like for you. im rooting for you and if you want to talk about this a bit more, i will be here. also, thank you so much for the kind words 💌💌 they really made my morning feel a bit less shit. i know im just a stranger and nobody has to take my words seriously or listen to them ever and it means a lot that they sometimes do. sending a big hug your way. it's ok to put yourself first for as long as you need and are able to! X

#anon

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europa-ganymede · 11 months

Text

Light at the end of a very long tunnel

As you may know, shit has been going literally sideways for me for the past couple weeks now (months, actually). I had been so depressed and upset about it all.

I’ve had really very bad luck with trying to find anyone to even come out to look at my house before another rain storm (my gutter issue was unresolved). We had a very dry spring, unusually dry. So, I didn’t have much rain to even worry aobut until the end of June/beginning of July. And Maryland does this cute thing now where when it “rains” it means a drenching downpour of 4″ of rain in an hour. On Sunday, in rained for 20 minutes and we got 2″ of rain. We were running through towels to try to soak up the water that was coming in from the window and flowing under the radiator. I felt bad for me, for my son, for my house.. I cried A LOT over the weekend. Like on and off just sobbing. I talked to so many companies, so many of them didn’t give a shit if I lived or died, if my house flooded, it was more or less like “sorry lady not my problem”. They wanted to upcharge me $100 to even send someone this week... I’ve been pretty broke after all this shit happening so I don’t have the money to just throw at upcharge fees.

I got a missed call Tuesday morning from the guys who I’d used in the past to clean my gutter, his name is Ray. I was so relieved to hear from him. Ray literally made my entire year because of how kind and generous he’s been with me at a VERY excessively stressful time in my life. There are things going on with me that I can’t even discuss or type to a public audience so just know it’s way deeper than anything surface level... but I just got a much needed gutter replacement from a man who did this work for so, so much less than I could ever find anywhere else. When I say he gave me the deal of a lifetime, he did. He came out, made time, went out of his way to get it done before any other rain storms... he clearly cared. He told me he was inundated with calls and referrals but he wanted to get to me as soon as possible so my “house didn’t crumble”. I told him how we had spent money renting a truck and ladder, spent money on another company to come out and $300 later I was still no closer to a solution. He said “let’s replace it, I’m more than happy to do it”. He quoted me an INSANELY low amount. He refused extra money. I feel very lucky to have been able to know him when I needed him. He did an excellent job and now I have a new 6″ aluminum gutter, upgraded downspout, leaf guard and he installed a fascia board so the gutter is affixed to my house securely and not hanging off the roofing material like before... he said “it’s secure, going nowhere I promise”. This little Turkish man is an ANGEL. I thanked him so many times, I was preparing myself to have to take a loan from my sister for a grand at least and pay her back incrementally. He took pictures and videos to show me exactly what was happening - sent them to me and everything. He’s such a kind soul I hope each side of his pillow is cool, he always merges easily on the highway and he has lots of business for years to come. Honestly.

Ray restored a bit of my faith in humanity. I left him reviews on all major sites to sing his praises.

I’m grappling a little bit on what to do. I want to properly pay him when I get more money but I don’t think he’ll accept it. Do I just sit with the guilt? Let someone do something extremely kind for me and accept it? I don’t know.

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robotkiyoomi · 2 years

Text

IwaOi| I put my armour on, show you how strong I am

IwaOi Timeskip | aka a the start of a fic where I project my lupus diagnosis story/experiences onto Oikawa (I just quit wanting to read it for grammar but maybe I’ll go back to do it one day)

“Thank you everyone. Have a good evening.” The professor said as class ended. Oikawa got up from his chair, stretched, and stifled a yawn. He had tried to pay attention and was excited after his first day but as much as he tried to avoid it, that hollow coldness was still settled in his chest. Oikawa followed the swarm of students that flowed out of the lecture hall and paused in the hallway outside to check the time on his phone.

4:50PM

Below was a notification for a news article that he quickly cleared after a brief glance at the title. He didn’t need that right now and wasn’t ready to really think about it either. 7 weeks. It had been 7 weeks since the rug had been pulled out from under Oikawa and it didn’t feel any easier. He knew it had happened, despite hating it, but wasn’t sure what to do with himself moving forward. People would probably say it was stupid, but it felt like a piece of himself had been ripped out and then was shoved into a body he didn’t recognize.

I guess it isn’t that far off.

After one season of accomplishing his dream to play as a starter on Club Athletico San Juan, Oikawa had been put on leave for at least 2 years because of his knee. He had injured his left knee back in high school when he didn’t know his limits and had pushed too far. Since then, however, Oikawa had taken care of his knee and made sure he was always safe when playing.

It didn’t matter though, he thought bitterly. After the first season had just ended, his knee started to hurt more than usual which he didn’t think much of until the pain had started spreading to his whole leg. Oikawa had seen a few doctors, who were unsure of the cause, but believed it was not due to the old injury. The pain was worse than the original injury had been and fluctuated in severity. A referral to a specialist, Oikawa had been informed that he could not maintain a lifestyle as a professional athlete while the nature of his pain was unknown. Things didn’t look great following this but got worse when the blood results came back suggesting that the cause may be rheumatological or nerve damage requiring a knee replacement.

A day after, Oikawa was pulled aside by the head coach and team manager and told for his health they would be sending him on leave until he had the all clear from a medical professional to come back. The words were very kind and Oikawa saw the apologetic look in their eyes, but it didn’t make it any better. He had worked since he was a child to go pro, moved across the world for it, and after one season Oikawa had lost it all from something out of his control. He had been signed despite never making it to nationals. It was the happiest day of Oikawa’s life when he got the call and the day he was told to leave was one of the worst days. A loose end let go because he was nothing but a liability that couldn’t keep up again.

With no reason to be in Argentina anymore and his health getting worse, Oikawa moved back to Japan and stayed with his parents. There he was referred to a rheumatologist in Tokyo. He prayed for the solution to be a knee replacement because that was a concrete fix, it was a year and a half waiting list and then rehabilitation period, but it had a solution. The other option…. There were things to help manage it, but the condition was permanent.

2 weeks after arriving back in Japan, the pain started to mirror itself on the right leg which pointed in the latter direction. At 20 years old Oikawa Toru had uncontrollably sobbed and watched New Girl. Tried to drown out the reality that was coming for him whether he wanted it or not. Nothing would change the stabbing pain radiating from his joints, but it was nice to pretend for a minute. Small moments of numbness that isn't a long term fix but let you breath enough to avoid being pulled completely under.

That’s the curious thing about life, no matter how much you run and try to convince yourself that everything is okay, life demands to be heard. We are nothing but pawns at the mercy of a world that is not kind.

Days morphed into weeks. Oikawa couldn’t get out of bed some days, some days he couldn’t pick up a glass of water. Oikawa was back in his childhood house being taken care of by his parents. He was an adult now but as helpless as a young child. His life's progress was reversing like a moving being rewinded and he could only watch. He had never realized how busy life constantly was until the days were spent in bed alone with his thoughts. The silence wasn’t peaceful or relaxing, it felt suffocating, like a taunting reminder of everything.

So here he stood, a new student enrolled in Tokyo University. When Oikawa first returned to Japan he spent a little over a month stuck in his room. He had been mad and sad, and then had been mad that he was sad. Oikawa wouldn’t be returning to the team for at least 2 years so his parents had encouraged him to go to school during the time and work on other skills in the meantime. He had agreed because what else was he going to do? Sit with his own thoughts for 2 years? Yeah, no thanks.

When news had travelled of his plans to go to school, Oikawa’s coach had reached out, offering to get him an in with the collegiate volleyball staff. He had been hesitant at first however the school's team ironically consisted of many players Oikawa had known in high school. Putting on a brave face he accepted when he received a call offering him an assistant coach position for the college team that Maki, Mattsun, Daichi, Kuroo, and Iwaizumi play on. He wouldn’t be playing but it’s something close to the court. Oikawa wasn’t sure if that would make it more painful or less.

There was little progress with figuring out what was happening in his body, but he was prescribed meloxicam to help with the pain and had been able to slowly move around. ‘Move’ made it sound more impressive than what the reality was, when his muscles are exhausted walking turns into an awkward hobble limp. But it was progress. Progress, he repeated to himself. Oikawa wanted to be okay with things, wanted to not complain, and wanted to be able to do something with his life, even if he felt stuck. Caught up in a current that was too strong to swim against. A fish tirelessly swimming and never moving forward yet giving everything to prevent being swept away. He went back and forth between feeling like the situation sucked to, invalidating himself for complaining about shit people would kill for.

Fuck. He had never been in his head this much, and it was an unpleasant realization to see that he hated thinking about life. He had done research as soon as he was told what this could potentially be and saw that medical invalidation was a big struggle in the invisible disability community yet currently, he was arguing either side with gusto depending on the day.

Suck it internet, I don’t need a doctor to gaslight me, I’m already questioning myself on my own thank you very much. Oikawa thought to himself and cringed at the vindication he had felt arguing himself. A true toxic relationship run by a one man show.

Iwaizumi Hajime. Over the past year Oikawa slowly hadn’t kept in touch as much. He had been living his dream so much that he had gotten caught up in things. They had talked every couple of weeks but Oikawa knew that was nothing compared to high school when they would spend every single day together.

He had almost called when he got the news. Oikawa’s finger hovered over Iwaizumi’s number so many times but he had no clue what he was supposed to say. Oikawa knew he had a lot to make up for, a lot of missed calls, texts, and time. He couldn’t call only when he needed something after all that, it wouldn’t be fair and as much as he was shittykawa, he wasn’t that shitty. So, he didn’t. Oikawa considered if the other boy ever wondered why he didn’t call. Iwaizumi had probably heard; their moms still talked and the hometown gossip was pretty small.

The last time Oikawa Toru had contacted Iwaizumi Hajime was a few weeks ago, when he had asked about where the spiker was living and mentioned that he would be enrolling. Iwaizumi had suggested moving in with him since he had a spare room, and Oikawa’s entire situation was never brought up. That didn’t surprise Oikawa though, Iwaizumi wasn’t great with feelings, but he always showed up even if he didn’t know what to say. Oikawa hoped he was right, that he wasn’t reading it wrong because a year and a half changes a lot. He’d changed a lot.

Oikawa stood in front of the door to his own damn apartment, key held in mid air. He could do this. This was fucking stupid. He could do this. Inhale. Exhale. Before he could wimp out, Oikawa stuck his key into the lock and turned it to open the door. The apartment was nice, spacious, and full of light. Of course, it was clean. Others might not have assumed that the grumpy Iwa would be clean, but Oikawa knew better, he had always been the cleaner one. Oikawa cared for appearances that others would see, in his own house? Chaos. He had seen photos online but had never gotten the chance to see the place in person. Iwaizumi had said that it was a big apartment and that his old roommate had moved in with his girlfriend, hence the empty room.

Oikawa heard footsteps coming from the hallway to the left and his heart started racing. He was a grown ass man. This was so stupid to be scared of. He should’ve kept in touch; he didn’t want things to be weird after how close they’d been. Life was fucked and Oikawa missed his best friend. He’d been a bad friend this past year and it would be understandable if things were different, but he so desperately wanted them to be exactly the same.

The steps stopped and Oikawa turned his head to see Iwaizumi standing there. He looked like he had before and at the same time distinctly more mature. He had built more muscles, which Oikawa didn’t think was possible and was completely unfair given his circumstances. His features were more defined with sharper angles than Oikawa remembered. If he had grown an inch or two Oikawa didn’t want to know. He looked confident, sure of himself. Iwa. He didn’t look like a high schooler just figuring themselves out, he looked like an adult working towards their dream. He was one. And here Oikawa was, an adult who had just failed their dream, somehow more lost than he’d ever been in life.

Oikawa’s face crumpled and he let out a sad pathetic sort of whimper that would’ve embarrassed him if it was anyone else. His feet stumbled forward, and another pair moved to meet the other half way.

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa wasn’t sure if the name was appropriate anymore, but it had been a lonely year and fuck he just wanted to rest.

“Shittykawa,” Iwaizumi said, the deep steady voice a sound he hadn’t heard in months. Oikawa choked out a wet laugh at the old nickname. Oikawa threw his arms around Iwa’s neck and reluctant arms wrapped around him in return.

At 6 years old Iwaizumi Hajime had begrudgingly brushed off his knees when a kid had pushed Oikawa off the slide in elementary school with a scowl on his face and here he still was 17 years later. Iwaizumi never showed affection often but Oikawa had always known that they were friends. Despite the sarcastic jokes, Iwaizumi was there for him, he always showed up. That was never in doubt. When push came to shove, Oikawa trusted Iwaizumi completely.

The phrase ‘leap of faith’ traces back to a Danish philosopher who used it to illustrate a crossroads where we have two options, hold on to reason or take a leap into faith and accept the existence of paradoxes in life. (The sentiment was mostly to make people believe in God and follow him while avoiding having to logically justify his arguments which makes the phrase less nice.) He would take a literal and figurative leap of faith no questions asked.

Oikawa didn’t realize until he stood outside the apartment that Iwaizumi was who he needed to see this past year. Who he should’ve been telling everything to. It would’ve destroyed him if things weren’t the same. He had lost sight of it after high school, had lost sight of a lot and even now Iwaizumi was still here for Oikawa. Always picking up the pieces.

“I’m sorry Toru,” he said softly, Oikawa could hear that he meant it. Their friendship often consisted of jokes and competitions but if Iwaizumi had heard, he knew how much it had meant to Oikawa to lose. But Oikawa had grown too and didn’t want to be the person that complained about his shit after what he’d done.

“I’m sorry too,” Oikawa paused. This was new for them. They had always been best friends, joined at the hip, close no matter what. He had never been separated from Iwaizumi, they never had to experience actively staying in touch or growing apart. It had always just been them before. Nothing else had ever mattered, it was the most natural thing in the world. It was new, slightly awkward, and he hated that it felt more forced but letting it slip away wasn’t an option.

“I was a bad friend and got caught up in my own shit. I should’ve been in touch and should’ve done a lot of things, so I’m sorry.” Iwaizumi’s fist smacked down forcefully against Oikawa’s shoulder.

“Ow!” Oikawa jumped back, rubbing his arm. He looked up aghast.

“It’s fine alright? Yeah, you made some mistakes so did I, let's just move past it. We’re used to each other fucking up by now.” Iwaizumi said, looking away slightly as his hand rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. Oikawa knew he meant it, the emotionally constipated little porcupine that he was. Emotion clogged in Oikawa’s throat but he managed a tight smile and nodded.

“So I assume you’re going to recount every little detail of the past year whether I like it or not?” Iwaizumi asked as he slumped onto one of the couches. Oikawa plopped down on the opposite end and shifted to face Iwaizumi.

“Iwa-chan, do you really have to ask?” Oikawa said and grinned like himself for the first time in months. Iwaizumi groaned and threw a pillow at the brunette’s face in response.

–

It was surprisingly easy to slip back into their old dynamic. Oikawa was excited to be able to tell someone everything, and Iwaizumi was a patient listener, contributing some eyerolls or sarcastic comments but Oikawa could tell he was interested and paying attention. Ever the master of feint disinterest. When he got to the tail end of his story Oikawa started to fidget and wasn’t sure if he was ready to talk about it, wasn’t sure if he could without breaking down entirely so Iwaizumi casually switched over to recount his year. The man of very few words talked about his program, classes, job, friends, everything to distract and ground his friend.

Oikawa isn’t sure when he first noticed Iwaizumi doing this but it started when they were kids. When he would be upset or distressed, Iwaizumi would plop down next to him and start talking and talking. Oikawa had been stunned into silence initially as his reserved friend would ramble so much that it almost rivaled his own blabbering. When the shock wore off Oikawa’s eyes would light up in pure joy every time it happened. Eventually his awed reaction became less subdued as he grew up but there is still a small twinkle in adult Oikawa’s eyes as he looks at Iwaizumi and a tug on his heart when it happens.

#iwaoi #iwaizumi x oikawa #Iwaizumi Hajime #Iwaizumi #oikawa tooru #oikawa #haikyuu #hq #autoimmine disease

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unhinged-summer-fun · 2 years

Text

tired

just a quick frankie morales x reader drabble.

it's a very iykyk kinda fic. i've been dealing with some shit and needed to get it out. i feel lighter but not yet like i'm drowning. no taglist for this. tw includes implied MST and retraumatization, as well as bureaucratic bullshit.

whatever.

Ok.

Submit.

"It's done," you whispered, watching the screen kick over from Submitting documents, please do not close your browser to Documents successfully submitted. "I guess." You sounded hollow. You felt hollow.

"What's wrong?"

Frankie brushed the tears from your eyes, ones you had no idea you were shedding. He held your face, and you held his wrists.

"Why do I feel like this is never going to be over? No matter how many steps I take, doors I open, boxes I check? I had to describe what happened five different times in five different forms, and..." you looked down, voice leaving you. "It was never enough. I felt like a rat ready to be studied. What if it gets rejected?"

"Then we'll appeal it."

"The appeal process takes a whole year on average, I can't... I don't know if I..." you swallowed more tears, feeling shame and self-hatred bubble up in your chest and threaten to spill over, making a burning mess of the hands he held you so gently with.

"Shh, shh, that's okay. I hear some guys find lawyers that help them get the help they need."

"They never even investigated my report, never sent me to counseling or for care or--"

"Honey, you don't need to--"

"They let me work forty feet from him for months," you sobbed. "I thought I was dying every time I saw him walk by. Thought a hundred people would stand up from their desks to watch me collapse."

"But you're out now, remember you're out now, you've moved three times since then. He can't find you."

"But what if I see him again? I don't even know if he's moved..." you choked out, tears coming anew. You were overwhelmed with the what-if possibilities that played out in your nightmares. Seeing him, reliving that night, reliving the trauma, paying the price for letting him in when you should have kept that door closed.

"C'mere, baby." Frankie gathered you in his arms, pulling you into his lap and curling you up nice and tight where you felt secure and small and protected again. "Soon the VA will call and get you set up with that referral, and--"

"The last referral told me I was self-obsessed and that I was only sad and scared because I let myself be."

"And she's been reported to the ethics board, remember? You did that all on your own, you stood up for yourself, and I couldn't be more proud."

"What if the next one is like that too? What if I'm just the problem, and I'm too weak, I was always too weak to--"

"That's just not true." The hitch in his voice quieted your next protest. He almost never let the emotions he was feeling bleed over into his words. You looked up at him, finding a serious expression, but his eyes gave him away. He was saddened by your tears, saddened that you still felt rocked by the ripples of pain that came from a splash that had long since reached the sea floor.

"I'm sorry," you whispered, biting down another sob that rose in your chest.

"You don't have anything to be sorry about. I... I understand your pain, I understand you. I know the weight you carry, and how hard it is to define it in words, I know the insult that comes when you have to boil down your life into four letters that can't possibly hold the breadth of terror you had to live with, live in, for so long." He strokes your hair, looking between your eyes, pleading for you to understand him enough to reach for his support.

The fog your brain had been walking through the last few hours (veteran burden: 1.5 hours, my ass) was beginning to clear the longer you talked to him, opened up about how you were feeling. The weight felt less and less as time went on, and by the time he'd had to turn on the lights from the sun setting, you felt like you could breathe without the usual terrible stones on your lungs.

He made you tacos. He gave you two beers, not one. He made sure you were okay before you took a shower, and he gathered you in his arms that night, kissing your forehead and reminding you of how much he loved you, and you didn't even have to tell yourself it was enough. You knew it simply was.

#frankie morales x reader #f!reader #unhingery #whatever man i'm tired

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brightgnosis · 2 years

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Yesterday's Doctor's appointment was short and good; we solidified my new dosage for my Thyroid medication at the 50 (over the 25 I was on) pending my bloodwork, since I've only just been on the full dose for a week now and need to be on for another 5 weeks before we can do it. But she went ahead and refilled at 50 since it's been working out great for me so far and I haven't been having any side effects.

She also asked where we were at on the Tubal Salpingectomy that I'd asked for the referral for; I let her know that we had the opportunity for my hearing aids finally and that since my hearing was more important to us and we were currently celibate anyways, that we opted for that instead. We can't pay for both at the same time, so I'm not going to pursue the Salpingectomy until after I've paid off the hearing aids in the next two years.

She was disappointed to hear I couldn't do the Salpingectomy after all because she knows I really wanted it despite her reservations- but she was really happy to hear about the hearing aids, since that was another referral she'd given me last year and we hadn't been able to move on it then like we wanted because we were still paying off the car at the time.

Short of that we double checked that my insurance card was sorted. and I talked to the front office about the new bill I got in the day before (great timing); it looks like insurance is finally processing things correctly, and they're back-dating appointment payments 🙏 So far April's been denied because it's too old. January and February, along with May through July, are all still pending approval. And August through to last month (October) have been approved and corrected.

They went ahead and just dropped April's bill entirely, since insurance won't cover it correctly. So now my bill with their office has dropped from nearly 1k down all the way to $450 now. But they don't want me to start paying on anything until we get the finalized results for the months that are still pending.

We also finally got an estimated delivery date for the part for the car. It's November 28th- which is still pretty far out, and that's disappointing. But like I told the poor guy we've been dealing with the whole time: At least we have a date now; last time we checked in, we had no date at all and the manufacturer still had it marked as "unknown" (or whatever it was) and wouldn't even allow us to put the car on the high priority list because of VOR, like usual. So it's still good news, even if disappointing news.

I'll just have to do my Thanksgiving shopping largely online. Which I'm not looking forward to because the shoppers never bother to pick things appropriately and always tell me items are out even when there's like 10 items in the store. But whatever. It is what it is.

Speaking of Thanksgiving: The party has now been increased all the way up to 8 people; My Step-Grandparents in Law (who are coming up all the way from Texas), my Parents in Law, my Brother in Law, my Husband and I, and now some random person from my Father in Law's Church Group who none of us have ever me but "whose had a rough year". All of which is fine by me, honestly; I can plan ahead for it, make a few modifications, and start saving my energy and making what I can ahead of time now, since I know about it all early enough.

But ... It's for a menu I was given free reign to create- and ultimately chose violence for in the form of a relatively "untraditional" 1930's themed monstrosity (save the things I'm being forced to have because other people are now contributing food as guests do) ... So this, uh ... Should be a very interesting Thanksgiving in more than a few ways 😂 This is honestly just what people get for giving someone whose special interest is vintage and antique history (nearly free) control over their holiday menus every year.

I don't think I'm going to start worrying too much about things until I get back from the Oddities Expo this weekend, however. Otherwise I'll just run myself into the ground and I won't be able to enjoy the Expo. And my old Covenmate and I have really been looking forward to it since our trip to Enid.

For the rest of this week, I think I'm just going to try and get what I can that won't perish grocery wise, do what I can to clean up downstairs in case my Grandparents in Law want to see the basement apartment this trip (since they didn't get the opportunity the last one), and work on re-writing my prayer book more slowly this time so that my handwriting's more legible; the last time I kind of rushed through some of the pages and it's made it hard to actually pray properly whenever I do those prayers each day. So I've gotta fix that.

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angiethewitch · 2 years

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Listening to you talk about your hearing aids is really making me want to get them! My hearing is bad enough to be annoying/occasionally inconvenient but I don't NEED them. But I've recently become a parent and I can't hear all the cute little sounds my baby makes 😭 (plus from the next room I can't hear fussing until it escalates to screaming and I worry about that).

What's your hearing like without the aids? What made you decide to get them?

Btw I didn't know that cats made a pitter patter sound when they walked but I asked my wife and xe said our cats do it too!!🥺🥺🥺 Cute!!!

I think not being able to hear your baby fussing in another room is definitely a qualifier for needing them. ive always needed an aid because my hearing has been bad since birth due to traumatic injury to my ears that I won't get in to right now, but my hearing was always juuuuust on the threshold of bad. then when I was 16 I had an operation where they took a small piece of skin from my face and stitched it inside my ear to replace my ear drum, but that didn't work out due to shitty care from the nhs. ever since then the hearing in my left ear has gotten progressively worse. I always had infections as a child and constant audiology tests and then in 2019 I was hospitalised for an ear infection that went systemic and I was really sick.

After it was cleared up I had a check up and the ENT technician noticed I wasn't hearing as well as I should in my left ear - like, at all. I liken the sound to being underwater. I can hear muffled sounds, so if someone speaks to me I can hear them saying something, but I cant make out exact words. my right ear is still pretty bad but doesn't qualify for a hearing aid. it was getting dangerous because I couldn't hear cars, I couldn't hear trucks or lorries reversing, if my right ear was muffled by a pillow or something I couldn't hear fire alarms as well, and it was also just incredibly inconvenient because I couldn't hear knocking on the door or my husband calling me from another room in the house.

After my hospitalisation in the 2019 I was referred to audiology and had a hearing test and qualified for a hearing aid, but either covid messed up my referral or I was just lost in the system (happens to me a lot), so my gp re-referred me and I finally got an appointment and here we are! got the aid yesterday.

before yesterday I probably would have told you I didnt know what it was like to not hear properly because I've always had bad hearing, but when I took my aid off yesterday I noticed suddenly I couldn't hear people laughing outside, I couldn't hear my cat meowing unless he screamed at me, I couldn't hear the birds, I couldn't hear myself walking around. it was like dipping my head into sand or something, everything got very very quiet and muffled. I had to have my husband speaking directly at me again so I could lip read and he had to raise his voice. that's the best way I can describe it really. very quiet and muffled. I cant hear people walk by me, I cant hear them walk into a room.

I never really had a desire to have a hearing aid as I'd never known any different but it was suggested to me and I figured this not hearing thing wasn't working out so why not try it. as I live in the uk I qualified for a hearing aid free on the nhs, so I didnt have to pay the frankly extortionate fees for one. if you are in a country with publicly funded healthcare then ask your doctor to refer you for a hearing test and suggest getting a hearing aid, sorry I don't really know how it works in countries with private healthcare! it's worth a shot at least. even just having your hearing test results on record to keep track of would be a good idea.

whatever you decide, I hope it works out. you deserve to hear all the little noises life has to offer you. I didnt know what I was missing out on

#answers

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