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fantasticfemmefatale · 4 years

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dolly’s- chapter two

BUCKY BARNES X READER

SUMMARY: you and bucky make up woohoo

WARNINGS: reference to the reader’s abuse (not that bad tho) there might be like one bad word idk

The next morning was rough. You were at Dolly’s at 6 am, scrubbing the scratched coffee pot as if you were attempting to scrub everything about the day before from your memory. You could still hear Colonel Phillips’ gruff voice in your memory, see your father’s journal in his hand, feel the fear that replaced the rage you’d been harboring when he explained his knowledge of your “abilities,” as he delicately put it. He’d lectured you like you were a toddler, describing how you could be key to winning the war, how you could help some guy named Erskine finish some serum of some sort if you’d let him experiment on you. Your blood ran cold at that, as memories came rushing back full of bloodied syringes containing odd-colored, swirling substances, hard, unforgiving treadmills, and your father’s harsh face glaring down at you, voice full of malice as he spat, “You were meant to be the perfect human! Not some housewife!”

Phillips noticed the change in your demeanor and stopped speaking. It would be hard not to notice, not when you were staring past him, eyes wide and empty, skin pale and ghostly. Your eyes snapped back to focus on him shortly, and you paused for a second before asking, “How’d my father die?”

Phillips froze at that. It wasn’t the question itself that gave him pause, it was the way you asked it. There was no emotion in your voice or gaze when you asked, just cold resolve. A need to know, simply for the sake of knowing.

“Kidnapped and tortured by Hydra, Hitler’s science division. When he refused to disclose your location, they shot him.”

You nodded. Some part of you deep inside that you’d tried to kill long ago wanted to feel bad, wanted to say he died for your sake, and yet you keep on hating him. What kind of daughter does that make you? But one act of kindness couldn’t even begin to heal the scars he’d dug into your skin, literally and metaphorically.

You told Phillips to give you a time and place, and you’d be there.

Bucky breezed into Dolly’s just past 7, like always, with Steve not far behind. You handed Steve the coffee you’d brewed for him, a steaming red mug with two spoonfuls of sugar and three spoonfuls of milk, the way he liked it. Crossing your arms and leaning them over the white ceramic countertop to look at Bucky, you asked, “Whaddya want, Barnes?” Your lips were pulled into a small frown, and one eyebrow was cocked as you gave him a challenging glare.

“Not even a hello, doll?” the subject of your anger challenged, smiling brightly as he leaned towards you. You sighed and straightened, turning around to grab a rag and clean the same mug you’d cleaned twelve times already, just to look busy.

“You couldn’t even spare me a call last night, plus you stood up me and Steve! So I apologize if I’m not in the best mood, James!” You yelled. “Which girl did you blow us off for this time? Carlotta? Rita? Delores?”

Bucky looked genuinely sad, and you almost felt bad for what you’d said. “I swear I didn’t mean to this time, Becca was sick and I stayed home to take care of her. And I was gonna call, but she needed her rest, and I didn’t want to risk waking her up.”

Oh god.

“Sorry,” you muttered.

Bucky merely shrugged, and told you what he wanted to drink. As you made it, you could hear the jingle of the bell atop the door, signaling Steve’s exit as he murmured a soft, “See ya later, Y/N.” You slid Bucky’s mug across the counter and he grabbed it, staring down it for a second.

“What’s a guy gotta do to take you out, doll?”

Bucky’s words froze you, like ice, crawling up your body until you couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

But the anger, the flames that were still burning inside you melted the ice away as you replied, “Maybe start with not standing me up.”

He chuckled, but then met your eyes as he said, “I’m serious, doll. I wanna take you out on a date, just you and me.”

You shook your head, muttering, “No you don’t. You want a girl that you can go on one date with and then forget about, Barnes. And I’ve got no intentions of letting any guy do that to me.”

Bucky scoffed at that. “Doll, I-”

“Stop it,” you barked sharply.

“What?”

“Don’t call me doll like there’s really something between us, Buck, not when you’re running around with every girl in Brooklyn! You know, I waited for years for the right moment to tell you I liked you, but it never came! You wanna know why? Because you-” you pointed a finger to his chest accusingly “ -couldn’t care less about a girl’s feelings! You just act like they never existed, like you never cared.” You angrily swiped an arm across your nose, and sniffed, trying to hold onto what little composure you had left. “And I would’ve rather stayed friends instead of risking it all for one date, but lately it’s like you don't even want to be friends with me.”

Bucky let you yell at him, and took it. He didn’t try to defend himself, or tell you how whatever you were feeling was your own fault, something you’d always admired him for doing. Really, why couldn’t every guy have that same amount of respect when a girl spoke? The conflicting feelings you felt towards Bucky confused you. Your heart was tearing itself in two, both wanting to run to Bucky, hug him, and agree to go out with him and wanting to ignore him for the rest of your lives.

Eventually Bucky spoke. “I’m sorry.”

You looked up, preparing to yell at him more when he held his hand up to stop you. “You had your turn, now it’s mine.”

You pursed your lips, and he continued. “You’re right about those other girls. If I’m honest, I never liked any of them. Really, I just hoped one of them would be good enough that I could get over you, but none of them were. And believe me, I’m sorry I stopped hanging out with you and Steve. Seeing you just hurt, knowing you’d never like me back. I just wasn't used to feeling this way around a girl.”

You met his eyes and tilted your head to the right slightly in a silent question, but then the meaning behind his words dawned on you. After all, he was James Barnes. Practically every girl in New York threw themselves at his feet. He’d never had to deal with rejection. Before you could stop it, a laugh bubbled up from your throat, and Bucky’s head that was hanging dejectedly shot up. “What?”

“It’s just funny,” you choked out in between laughs. “You’ve never been rejected by a girl, have you?”

Bucky glared playfully, but his stern gaze was offset by the bright, lopsided grin gracing his face. “C’mon, doll, don’t be the first.”

“Fine,” you said, feigning residual anger. “One date.”

Bucky leaned over to kiss your cheek, then practically bolted out the diner, grinning like a maniac. “I’ll be at your apartment at 6 tomorrow!” He called over his shoulder as the door slammed shut.

You smiled, pressing a hand lightly to where you could still feel Bucky’s lips. It was the first time you’d been kissed by a boy, if you were honest. Most men wanted a perfect housewife who’d cook, clean, and look after the children, but you wanted more than that from life. You wanted a partner who saw you as an equal, someone who’d share your dreams of adventure and glory. You wanted to be free, free from a world where you were seen as second-rate simply because you were a girl, free from the scars of your father’s experimentation, and free from the SSR, who currently wanted to do just what your father had done to you.

Sacrifices were necessary, and helping Dr. Erskine with his Super Soldier serum could be your only way of moving up in the world. If it got you out of a dead-end job running a diner, you were willing to endure whatever was thrown at you. Hopefully, Erskine would be a bit nicer than your late father was.

The black phone mounted on the back wall of the diner rang, and you ran to it in less than a second, simply a blur and rush of wind to anyone unlucky enough to spot you. Wrapping a hand around it, you took a deep breath, screwing your eyes shut, and praying it wasn’t Colonel Phillips again.

It was.

The second you lifted the phone to your ear, his loud voice resounded through the speaker, informing you that Erskine would be working with the SSR in a base in New Jersey, and that they’d need you there in a week.

You felt the beginnings of a stress headache pull at your head as you hung up, letting your head hit the cool wall and stay there, until the clock by the door chimed brightly, cheerfully informing you that it was opening time. God, it was only 7:30?

~~~

The rest of the day went without a hitch, until an angry woman demanded that you switch her seat with two patrons that were regulars at your diner. When you refused to move her seat, she left in a huff, dragging her two whining children behind her.

“Sorry, Bonnie,” you said, turning to the pair that had just been yelled at. “You too, Ralph. Anything I can do for you?”

“How about dancing with us tonight?” Bonnie questioned. Her eyes shone with mischief as she spoke. Bonnie was one of those girls who could make a story about what she ate for breakfast sound like an odyssey, and make the room shake when she spoke. You couldn’t help but love her.

“You know I’m busy, Bonnie.”

Ralph murmured something, but Bonnie spoke over him, saying, “Busy with Bucky? I saw him and Steve today, and all Bucky would talk about was you! Did ya finally tell him how you feel?”

“More or less,” you muttered, as the remaining girls in the diner turned to stare at you, no doubt wondering why Bucky wanted you, but you paid them no attention. You had nothing to prove to those sycophants.

Bonnie stood up and scooped you up in a hug that gave you a mouthful of her dark curls, before whispering in your ear, “I’ve got somewhere to be with my man, so I can’t stay.” She smiled devilishly, before grabbing Ralph’s wrist and pulling him off to who-knows-where.

You glanced towards the beat-up clock, and seeing that there were only two more people eating, you decided to let yourself close up early, to give yourself time to think. Bonnie always seemed to make her way into your mind at times like these. Even when the world tried to hold her back because of her gender, she loved herself with a fierce passion you could only hope to achieve someday. It was infectious, really, the way she carried herself, and the laughter that always seemed to precede her wherever she went. You tried your best to be like her, but you’d always been a bit more solemn than her, and more of a dreamer at the same time. She was content with the way her life was, refusing to let herself make expectations for the future that might not be achieved. Although you didn’t understand her, you loved her all the same.

~~~

The next day was Saturday, so you didn’t have to work. Instead, you spent the morning in your apartment with Bonnie, dancing like idiots to Bing Crosby on the radio and trying to pick an outfit for your date with Bucky. Eventually Ralph came knocking on your door, wondering where Bonnie was. Bonnie tried to stifle a laugh as Ralph grumbled, “She didn’t even tell me she was leaving to go someplace!”

“Well, at least I know he misses me when I’m gone,” Bonnie giggled as she left, but not before telling you exactly which outfit to wear to get Bucky’s attention.

When Bucky showed up at your apartment, just a few minutes early, you were wearing a cherry-red dress with a skirt that stopped just above your knees, with white socks and black shoes, and lipstick that matched your dress. Bucky wore brown pants, with a white button-down tucked in, and the sleeves rolled up just past his elbows. His hair was slicked back in that way you always made fun of him for, but secretly adored. The cherry on top, however, was the bouquet of your favorite flowers he held out to you. You were unable to move, utterly captivated by the man in front of you. Everything about him was perfect. The comfortable silence lingered until he said, “Are you gonna keep me waiting, doll?”

“With that attitude, Barnes, I just might,” you replied with a smirk. You took the flowers from him with one hand, and the other grabbed his arm to pull him inside while you gently placed the flowers in a small vase you had on the table, throwing away the sunflowers that had previously resided there.

“What’d they ever do to you?” Bucky asked, smiling. Both of you had dopey, lovesick grins on your faces that felt like they’d never fade.

“They took the spot that was obviously for whenever you decided to bring me flowers,” you responded with a sly glance his way.

~~~

An hour later, you two were running around the fair like madmen, stopping every few minutes so you could buy more and more sugary treats. By now, you were trying to hold cotton candy, ice cream, a slice of apple pie, and a hot dog all at once.

“Need help, doll?” Bucky asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“No!” you exclaimed between heaving breaths as you tried to run while keeping your food from falling.

He shrugged, feigning indifference, but you could clearly tell that he was getting a kick out of watching you struggle.

A few minutes later, you conceded. “Bucky! Stop being a waste of space and help me with this!”

He scoffed, but you knew he’d help you no matter what you said. Bucky was loyal to a fault.

The rest of the night felt like a montage of happy moments from a sappy movie you’d go see with Steve or Bonnie, but you weren’t complaining. You were dashing around on a sugar high, dragging Bucky with you everywhere you went. He almost told you to slow down at one point, but couldn’t bring himself to when he saw how happy you looked.

He hadn’t seen you smile so much in years.

You felt like a schoolgirl on the playground, running around from stall to stall, then to the ferris wheel. The second you two were in the air, Bucky’s blood ran cold when he realized how bad of an idea taking you on it was.

You were practically vibrating in your seat because of how much sugar you had. Or maybe you were vibrating. He’d never seen you do it before, but he figured if you just moved back and forth fast enough, you could probably do it.

Eventually, you stopped, then yawned, and he knew what was coming next. Before he could even offer his jacket to you, you’d gotten up from your seat, moved to his, snuggled up underneath his arm, and fallen asleep.

Do you ever slow down? He found himself wondering.

When the ride came to a close, he picked you up bridal style and carried you back to your apartment, gently shaking you to wake you up when you arrived. Groggily, you swatted his hand away.

“Y/N? Doll, can you get your key for me?” Mumbling under your breath, you pulled your apartment key out of your skirt pocket and handed it to him. You turned your head, ready to fall asleep against his chest, when he set you down to unlock the door. You wanted to be mad, but just didn’t have the energy.

He gently took your hand and led you inside, turning the lights on as he did. Then he stopped, seemingly unsure of what to do now.

You hesitated, switching your weight from one foot to another.

Eventually, you worked up the guts to ask, “Do you want to stay the night?”

Bucky paused, then nodded, taking his jacket off and setting it on the counter. He’d stayed the night at your apartment before, but it was always as friends, and Steve was usually there too.

“I’m tired,” you muttered.

Bucky laughed, and responded, “I can tell, doll.”

You tried to ignore the feeling that blossomed in your chest when he called you doll, then realized that you didn’t have to anymore. You debated telling him what you thought of the nickname, then realized he probably knew. Bucky knew you better than you knew yourself.

You gasped, and your eyes grew as wide as saucers as you realized that you hadn’t told him about Colonel Phillips.

“What?” Bucky asked. “Do I look that bad?”

You shook your head, and then said, “I have something to tell you.”

@kanemithehufflepuff

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #marvel #mcu #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes series #40s!bucky #40s!bucky x reader

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twtangel-arts · 4 years

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POG HEADCANNON FOR TUBBOS PERSONALITY???!!!

How come I don’t see that Much talk about Tubbos personality? Like.... they all must know each other right?! SO MUCH POTENTIAL!!!

Before I go and talk about the headcanons. I would like to thank my good friend @peak-wilbur-dumbass for helping me create most of these “big brain” headcannon! Half are what we created, I created, and what she created :3

But I be talking about:

Big Law

Big Crime

Dr.TB (Dr. Theropiest-bo)

Tubbox

and TOOB

the others were either hard to come up with or little was know of them (or we got lazy shsgsghssh)

Now on to the headcannon! It’s going to be a long one boys :3 so click “read more” to read it!!

Enjoy :)

We All know Tubbos personality right?

Well if you don’t

have the links to the Dream SMP wiki fandom about Tubbo!! :3

The reason why me and friend couldn’t create other headcannon for the Tubbos personality its because they had too little detail about them.

Hohoohoh! But is it the same with Tubbox? He has small details about him to!

Just wait :)

Now that you got some knowledge of the personality I will now start the Headcannon

NUMBER 1: BIG LAW

He’s the first Tubbo Ego. So he’s technically the oldest of all the Tubbos Personality

He monotone, and he really doesn’t show that much emotion. He’s all serious and shit

Speaking of that, he only shows a bit of emotion towards some he loves (like his personality brothers)

Now he LOVES to read the law. he has books on laws, on the judgment system. Government, crime solving, being a lawyer and other lawyery book stuff.

That fucker probably has a secret stash of Domino’s cookies and won’t share them 🙄🙄

He’s also the ‘heaviest’ out of the Tubbo because he eats those cookies DGZGSGSHX

Rights?! who needs them? YOU DONT ALLOW SHIT BITCH!

THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PERSONALITY?!??!?!11

TOOB: he doesn’t like him that much. Even tho TOOB doesn’t bother him that much, He still claims TOOB annoys him way to much. But he still likes his dumb bro (3/10)

DR.TB: mmm it’s a neutral, they can vibe. Tho Big Law doesn’t like when hes steals is cookies to make some ‘flavors’ (5/10)

Big Crime: (-10/10) do I need to say more? Big Crime DOSE CRIME!! Big law DOES LAW!!! Smh🙄🙄 But for real tho, they care for each other, love-hate brother hood lmao (4/10)

Tubbox: Big law LOVES him! Why? HES IN A BOX BEING HAPPY OK?! HE BOUNCES UP AND DOWN IN A BOX!!!! Tho... he can get to hyper for big law....a box huh? He likes to see him again (8/10)

—

NUMBER 2: BIG CRIME

The second oldest of the personality :3

*pats his head* this boi can fit so much emotion

HES A CRIME B O Y!!! A DIRTY LITTLE CRIME B O Y

He’s quite strong,,,, a bit stronger then Tubbo too! The strongest out of all the personality

He’s a hothead and short tempered like....don’t pisss him off.... please don’t-

He can get overprotective with his brothers. He will kill a bitch for them... and that bitch is Techno

so yeah... he like...vary emotional :3

THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PERSONALITY 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

TOOB: he’s annoying as hell, He hates him, he want to snap his neck, DUDE STFU AND GET AWAY FROM ME.. but he will still die for him uwu (4/10)

Dr. TB: he’s a good theropiest! Normally Big crime would go to him >or been forced by him shshsh< When he need something to calm his nerves or just wants to talk....tho their relationship has grown a bit distant after the incident that happened months ago (7/10)

Big Crime: (-10/10) AGAIN!!! HE DOES CRIME, THE OTHER DOSE THE LAW!!. But to be honest with y’all, Big Crime makes fun of Big law when ever he shows emotion. Ex:

“I thought you were all serious and shit?”

“I am tho?”

“Nah, I just saw you crying back there because you dropped your cookie on the floor”

“SHUT UP!!! IT WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT I HAVE LEFT-“

Anyway yeah, love-hate relationship 🥰🥰 (4/10)

4. Tubbox: he will protect him in all costs, he makes him smile The most. You could say Tubbox is his favorite personality brother.... now he’s just angry. He wants to see him one more time. (10/10)

—

NUMBER 3: DR. THEROPIEST-BO (DR. TB)

He’s the best theropiest out there :D

I feel like he know what he’s doing, even tho it may not look like it.

He the family therapist....lul

He like...still in the world of headcannon

He knows what he’s doing guys, believe me

RELATIONSHIP TIME BITCH!!!

TOOB: he doesn’t like him that much, one time TOOB decided to mess around with his ‘Flavors’.... yeahhh he wasn’t to happy about that (4/10)

Big Law: they have a neutral type of relationship, they barely get in to any fights. He’s actually the only person that Dr.TB can fully understand/work with! (7/10)

Big Crime: now.... he used to be the person that Big crime will go to when he starts to act up.... but, they barely talk anymore dude. After what happened to Tobbox? Yeah, let’s just say Dr.TB was at the verge to end his whole Theropey job because of Big Crime :/ (4/10)

Tubbox: he loves him, he misses him, he hates Techno. He tried to be there for everyone when they lost him.... He wants to see Tubbox. His life was cut to short. Anyways... he was a bit difficult to work with for theropey (9/10)

—

NUMBER 4: Tubbox

So.... do you understand why I put him here despite him having little information known about him?

THATS RIGHT!!

ITS LINKED TO THE INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED TO TUBBO BY TECHNOBLADE >:D

but how? Well, he realized that Tubbo was in a box. He thought

“Tubbo in box? I’m Tubbox! I liked Boxes :D time to take over and be in a box- o h”

Yeahhh....not the box you want to be in pal... with that, Tubbox died with Tuboo. Obviously, Tubbo responded back to life.... but Tubbox didn’t....he’s dead.....

A N Y W A Y S

He’s a mute!!! He can only speak in Sign language:D!!

So with that... every single Tubbos personality knows how to do sign language and read sign language!

They like to speak sign language for he can feel a bit included :3

He likes it when he makes his personality brothers smile, it’s just give him a lot of joy

Stimming? A stimming boy? He likes to flap his hands up and down🥺

HES JUST FILLED WITH JOY MAN!!

What were the relationship that he had with the others?

TOOB: He love his! He doesn’t understand why people think he’s annoying?! Like... he thinks it’s funny how he speaks in 3rd and 1st person!! Tho.... I think there’s this one time where he invaded his personal space while in the box.(9/10)

DR.TB: AGAIN!!! HE LOVES HIM!!! He loves it when he sees him at work! He keeps him Company!! (10/10)

Big Law: LOVES HIM!! HES THE ONLY PERSON THAT MAKES BIG LAW SHOW A BIT MORE EMOTION!!! And big law might say it’s annoying and he hates it... but Tubbox knows he secretly love it uwu (10/10)

BIG Crime: do I need to say more? Tubbox LOVES big Crime! he wants to see him smile more!! He wants him to be happy! So... he hangs out with Big Crime more then the other personality. (20/10)

(The last one) Number 5: TOOB

Yes

TOOB good guy

TOOB little annoying? No BIG annoying!

He likes to mess around with his brothers lol

He understand that he’s annoying once awhile, but that just because he finds it funny

I LIKE THE LORD-

Did I forget to mention that TOOB has the little brother vibes? Like... he’s the annoying little brother that he’s hated but at the same time he’s also loved (considering he is the youngest out of all the personalities dddjtdjtdjt)

So yeah... Stan TOOB lmao

THE RELATIONSHIP TIME IS HERE FOR ONE LAST TIME!!

Dr. TB: he likes him, he enjoys messing around with his flavors, heehhehehe Angry doctor go brrrr (7/10)

Big Law: he doesn’t bother him that much, he’s all serious and shit, no big reaction. TOOB sad, but he can still annoy him while he being a lawyer >:3 (5/10)

Big Crime: HOHOHO HE LOVES TO ANNOY HIM!! HE HAS THE BEST REACTION TOWARDS HIM!! One time he mad Big crime squeal at a high pitch then normal....let’s just say things got UGLY!!! (20/10)

Tubbox: he misses him, he’s kinda the only personality that gives him the respect he wants.... he wants his box bro back :( TOOB sad now.... (10/10)

——————————————

THAT WAS A LONG ONE HUH CHAT?!

Once again i would like to thank my good friend Ally ( @peak-wilbur-dumbass ) for helping me create half of these Headcannons for the Tubbos personality! Give her some support lul :3

#dream smp #Tubbo #tubbo mcyt #Tubbo alt egos #mcyt #mcyt headcanons #mcyt fandom #headcannons #big law #big Crime #TOOB #tubbox #Dr. Theropiest-bo #Dr. TB #my headcanons

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bellasharifuddin · 3 years

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The Day I Became a Mother

It’s been a while since I last post anything here, typing feels awkward as well. But this has always been a thing that I wanted to do since the day I’ve given birth, to document and blog about my pregnancy and my birth journey, so in 4-5 years to come when my memories fade, I can always come back to reminisce every detail that I keep here, like a memory capsule.

The Day I Found Out I Was Pregnant.

You know, when people say that when you have a strong intuition about something, trust your gut feeling, because it’s often true. Mirin and I have always talked about having kids, me wanting a baby so much within months after we got married, however, Mirin having second thoughts about it. We were both married for less than a year, sleeping on a toto without a mattress or a bed, living in the deep slum of Wangsa Maju area where the rats are larger than the cats. Hahaha. Naturally, given our circumstances, he’d want to take things slow.

Fast forward to a couple of months, we went out for some steaks and karaoke on a weekend night. I told mirin to stop by Watsons, for me to buy a pregnancy test kit. Mirin didn’t question much, because occasionally I would randomly buy one, just for fun. But this time, I didnt just get one. I ended up buying three. Why? Because somehow, I had a strong feeling this time. I just felt... weird. It was a feeling that I can’t put it into words.

We came home at midnight, I went to the bathroom too “pee on the stick”. Then I saw the first line... a few seconds later comes the second one. Oh my god. Okay. I knew Mirin was standing outside the toilet door, waiting. Eventually, I had to break the news to him. When I showed to Mirin, we both ended up hugging and crying. Was I happy? Was I in shock? Was I sad? Yes, a little bit of everything. Its funny that all you’ve wanted was a baby, then when it actually happens, suddenly you’re freaked out. Happy that its a blessing. Sad that it hits you without a warning.

Pregnant!

When the morning sickness finally kicked in, I knew we couldn’t live in the current house. Its not the best place to raise a child. And the next-door neighbor was having major renovation that was super loud and noisy. After sleepless nights and searching for a new place, we eventually moved out. Bought our first bed, bought our first dining table, bought our first gas stove. A many of firsts. Soon we finally bought a baby cot from Ikea. We bought it too early. Although it was too early to put it up, but Mirin assembled it anyways. I could tell that he was excited. It was such a fun and exciting moment, for the both of us.

But those were the fun part. Like most pregnancies, the not so fun part about being pregnant was me being diagnosed with Pregnancy Hypertension during my 36th week of pregnancy. My blood pressure spiked up to 140/100 on two consecutive readings, and the next thing I know, that I’m sitting in an ambulance, on my way to Hospital Kuala Lumpur’s emergency building.

At Hospital Kuala Lumpur. Waiting for an available bed

Mirin bought me the entire family mart food available xD

I spent 3 nights in their maternity wards, finally discharged after the doctor told me that I was clear to go. While I was in the hospital, it pains me to see new mothers struggling during the COVID19 pandemic. Throughout your stay, no visitations were allowed from anyone including your husband. If your baby cries or if you’re in pain, you’d have figure it out yourself. I remember praying to god while crying that I do not want to be induced there. The ward was stuffy and hot. There were too many people crammed in a room. It was hell.

The Day That I Give Birth

One week after my discharge, we both went for my monthly checkup with my OBGYN at Pantai. Again, my doctor advised me to be induced tomorrow, since my blood pressure spiked again, and I was almost full term (38 weeks) so it was okay to go. She told me that “It’s best to get the baby out or else you boleh kena sawan” OMG Okay okay. So we packed our bags, ate sushi for dinner, slept soundly for the very last time, and headed to the hospital again at 9 am the next morning.

Induction day. We definitely overpacked haha

Arrived at the hospital lobby, did a mandatory swab test before entering

Appointment card. Booked and paid for the accommodations prior to checking in

I was told to change into my labor robe (I’m not too sure what it’s called), and waited. When my doctor finally arrived, she then began to insert some sort of a plastic strip deeeeeep into my cervix. Ouch, that hurts. Okay, so that’s how induction works eh? Then I was given antibiotics into my IV drip too, since I was GBS (Group-B Strep) Positive as well.

Toilet selfie! Calm before the storm

After an hour, I felt the contraction. Initially it was uncomfortable, then it hurts like hell. The contractions felt like period pain but like a million times worse. Occasionally, Doctor Haslinda would come and check on my “bukaan”. Hours passed. 1cm... 2cm... 3cm.... when I finally said:

“Omg sakit sangat dah tak tahan, I want an epidural!“

Ok no, that was a lie. I initially didn’t want to take an epidural. I wanted to try and bear with the pain, but Mirin convinced me to take it, so after tossing and turning like a dying fish I finally said okay.

The anesthesiologist came after what felt like an eternity, and asked me to sign a consent form. I’m not really sure what was written in that. Siapa je ada masa nak baca terms and conditions panjang panjang bila tengah contractions???

He told me to sit on the edge of the bed, while hugging a pillow. I remembered him injecting some numbing spray, then I felt the BIG NEEDLE poking through my spine. Then.. that was it. It was so fast. The entire process took only 5 mins. Was it painful as I thought it would be? No. Was it still scary tho? Yep hahaha.

Soon after, Dr Haslinda pecahkan air ketuban when I was 4cm dilated. It didnt hurt because I was on epidural, but I felt so much warm liquid flowing out non-stop. So bizarre.

Once you’re on epidural, you’re basically bed-ridden. No bathroom trips anymore, my legs feel like jelly. Sometimes the nurse will come to empty my bladder with a catheter. When the epidural kicked in, I could finally sleep. I slept like a baby. I slept for hours. Painless. No more feeling like a dying fish. And so I thought.............

3am. I woke up with INTENSE CONTRACTION PAIN. Why is it so painful? I thought I’m on epidural? I called the nurse straight away. Turned out the epidural drug ran out. It was sooo stressful because the nurse that was on duty that night didn’t know how to topap balik the epidural drug into the machine. She called her colleague, then the colleague also tak tahu. Then both of them spent like forever to troubleshoot how to use the machine, sampai lastly kena call doctor tanya. YA ALLAH, rasa macam nak maki je.

7am the next day. Bukaan baru 7-8cm. Doctor decided to use another form of induction to speed up the process. It’s called pitocin, and injected through my IV drip. Within MINUTES, I could feel very intense and painful contractions, that the epidural can’t even help. So throughout the remaining 7cm to 10cm, I felt every inch of real labor pain. I clenched Mirin’s hand. So tightly that I think it got bruised. A minute felt like an hour, and an hour felt like years. It was soo bad that my memory was so fuzzy.

Finally, it was 10cm. Time to go. They put both of my legs up, macam gambar bawah ni haha:

Picture courtesy from Google

There were two nurses, one small cute Malay nurse, one pregnant Indian nurse, and my OBGYN, Dr Haslinda. I love them all, they were so supportive and nice to me throughout my labor process. My doctor taught me how to push correctly:

“Take a deeeeeeep breath then tahan, clench your fists, chin down and teran macam nak berak sekuat-kuat hati“

I was so determined to get the baby out. I just wanted the contraction pain to end. I did everything they told me to do. I hold on to Mirin’s hand, and PUSHHHHHHHEDDDDDD! I could hear Mirin saying “You’re doing great sayang!” After several pushes, and some sips of water breaks, the baby’s head is almost out. The head was the hardest to push. Besar! I literally felt like my down there was stretching to its limit. Once the head is out, I did another small push, and the rest of the baby’s body macam keluar instantly macam super slimy like that haha.

Finally the baby is out! 8.26AM! The contractions stopped immediately. I instantly feel like I wasn’t pregnant anymore. The doctor then injected something on my thigh, then my uri just popped right out haha. My body felt so tired, but so so light. Lega, yay no longer pregnant haha. I ended up having second degree perineal tear without an episiotomy, and was stitched. I felt the benang, ngilu. I felt the needle pierced through my muscles too. But it didnt hurt so it wasn’t too bad.

The baby gets cleaned up. Then soon all of the nurses left the labor room, it was just me, Mirin and our baby. Mirin picked her up, and azankan. Mirin started crying, I cried too. It was magical :’)

We did skin to skin and tried breastfeeding for the first time. As I look at her, hair was so thick. Her cute little fingers. Her beautiful face. She’s perfect.

I slept for 5 hours straight after the labor

Thinking back, I have no idea how I managed to muster such courage to go through all these. Mirin even told me that during the active labor stage, when I was pushing, at one point I pushed so hard that my entire face turned blue. Talk about adrenaline.

Do I want to have another baby? Well, lets keep a rain check on that question for another few more years to come xD

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zanesgirlfriend · 5 years

Text

History Repeats | Jeff Wittek

2k follower special 💜

A/N: I just wanted to say thank you for all the love and support, I've been working on this for a while and decided to make it a special thing for hitting 2k ahh but thank yall for bearing with me through all my little breaks and late uploads and stuff even tho I'm literally a nobody so thank yall okok I'm done pls enjoy

Word Count: 6.2k

Triggers: Cheating, swearing, stuff like that ya know

Special shout out to @vlouge-squad for helping me edit this!!

_____

The heat of dancing bodies wrapped around Jeff like a blanket. A bead of sweat trickled down the bridge of his nose as he forced himself through the crowd. He nodded to the bartender as he sat on a creaky barstool, wondering if he was suddenly too old to go out to clubs like this.

Y/n was thinking the same thing, no idea that her ex boyfriend was a few seats down from her. She hadn't seen Jeff since the day he left New York. Promising to call her when he landed, only to block her number and never speak to her again. She wasn't mad anymore. They'd had their fair share of fights, breakups and makeups, and they knew long distance wasn't going to work.

She wouldn't've even noticed him if it wasn't for her roommate Katy. They'd played the same game every time they went out, giving people a job and a backstory and a silly name, and it was Katy's turn.

"Oh fuck he's hot." She attempted to subtly point Jeff out to y/n. "Um, Brad, twenty-five, Male model, from Oklahoma. Got his start modeling for billboards."

"Wrong." Her words sounded playful but really they had a lot of meaning. She scanned Jeff's body, his face, his hair, as she corrected Katy. "He's a Jeff, twenty-nine, probably the dead body in the background of Law and Order, cuts hair on the side of his shitty acting career, from New York."

"O-M-G you're right." Katy laughed as she continued to eye the man.

"Did you just say O-M-G out loud? Maybe you should chill on the White Russian's." She took Katy's glass and slid it away from them before guiding her slightly drunk friend away from the bar. Katy was highly buzzed at best, but y/n didn't want Jeff to have the chance to notice her.

She was distracted the rest of the night, busy thinking of the very first time she saw Jeff. It was like history was repeating itself.

It was a cold night in New York. The first snowfall of the year. Y/n wasn't prepared and had nothing but a long-sleeved shirt on. She blamed this on her friends dog, who'd incidentally stolen her phone and chewed through it like candy. She couldn't check the weather, and nobody'd told her it was going to snow.

She shivered, her arms folded over one another, tight to her chest in attempt to keep her torso warm. She was walking home, not willing to spend her rent money on a cab to her apartment six blocks away.

"Do you need a ride?" He pulled up next to her, his head hanging out the window. She wasn't going to take a ride from a stranger, especially at night. She watched his breath form clouds as it hit the cool air.

"No, thank you." She nodded and continued walking. He drove alongside her slowly.

"Look, I'm not gonna kidnap you, I just don't want you to freeze to death."

She took a moment to really look at the guy. She was cold, and didn't really enjoy walking alone. His eyes looked kind and his hair flopped in such a way that made her trust him. But not enough to get in the car. "Even if you were gonna kidnap me, I don't think you'd tell me. Really, I'm fine."

He sighed and she wondered what he was doing as he popped his head back in the window. He took his sweatshirt off and held it out the window.

"Take it."

"No, I can't." She wanted to take it, but she felt bad. "It's yours."

"And now it's yours. Just take it." So she did. It smelled like expensive cologne and it was fairly warm from his body heat.

"Thank you." She smiled. He returned a grin as he drove off.

The memories made her smile. Katy noticed how bubbly she became as they took an Uber home. "What got into you?" She nudged y/n with a teasing tone.

"I just remembered some things that made me happy, that's all."

Later that night, y/n woke up in a cold sweat. She was hugging her pillow and all of her blankets were on the floor. Whispered words tickled her throat as she spoke.

"Jeff."

♤♡◇♧

They say that everybody in L.A. goes to therapy. Whether it be that they actually have a problem needing fixed, or just need someone trustworthy to talk to. In y/n's case, it was the latter. Katy was a blabbermouth, and to be fair, she wasn't very good at solving problems. She had too many problems of her own.

"Something about seeing him was so surreal. It's like I can't unseen him."

"And how did seeing him again make you feel?" Dr. R. asked her, posing her pen near the top of her notepad.

"Angry, and then happy, and then sad." She paused, rethinking her words. "More like I was upset over breaking up, well, the way we broke up, and then I missed him."

"Do you still miss him now?" She asked without looking up from her notepad.

"I could lie and say that I don't, but I dreamt about him last night, so I think I do." Y/n brought her knees up to her chest, sitting in a comfortable ball in the oversized chair. Dr. R. noticed her change in position. She wrote a few more things down, circling something.

"What happened in your dream?" She finally looked up at y/n.

She smiled before answering. "I usually never remember my dreams, but this one was different. It's not that I can't remember it all, it's that everything was a blur. We were just laying together. Cuddling in bed. Then everything was going in slow motion. He kissed me, and it was so comforting. And then it all went blurry again until he got up and left." She sighed. "And that's when I woke up."

Dr. R. flipped a page or two back in her notes, putting a dot next to something y/n mentioned before. "When you two broke up, it wasn't mutual, correct?"

"No, it wasn't." She hugged her knee's a little tighter.

"I think your dream was bringing those feelings back. Cuddling with him was how you felt before he left, and then when he left, you probably woke up upset, didn't you?"

Y/n nodded. "I'm more upset now that I didn't talk to him at the bar." She picked at the loose string on the cuff of her sleeve. "I wonder if he would even recognize me."

"He will."

On the drive home y/n thought about Dr. R., how she was more like a wise old lady sitting on a porch at the end of your street. Of course, she had her therapist moments, but at the end of the day she was just a nice person to talk to.

She then started to think more about Jeff. He's in L.A. Did he finally make it as an actor? She hadn't seen him in anything. Before she got out of her car she whipped out her phone.

Jeff Wittek

Millions of results in seconds. His Instagram, Twitter, YouTube. Millions of followers. A past girlfriend, clips of him on various TV shows. The name David Dobrik seems attached to the most recent things.

She sat in her car for thirty minutes, obsessing over him. Over everything he's involved in.

She finds the Dobrik kid and laughs. His videos are hilarious, and he seems to be one of Jeff's current friends.

If only she could find a way to get in touch.

She didn't want to be creepy, obsessive, or a virtual stalker, but she couldn't help but see what Jeff's been up to.

By the end of her internet search, she couldn't help but feel she was doing something wrong. She felt dirty.

She deleted her search history, and went inside to take a shower.

♤♡◇♧

It'd been weeks. Months even. She'd stopped thinking about him shortly after her session with Dr. R., but he still appeared in her dreams every once in a while. She figured if she ever did see him again, it would be in passing at a party or another bar like it was before. She never expected to see him at the top of a mountain.

Katy was on a new health kick, and that meant dragging y/n along with her. They'd been to a cycling class five times this week, and y/n wanted to do something else.

"Let's go on a hike." She told Katy, reminiscing the days back home where she would hike in Latourette Park.

They found a hiking spot right outside of Los Angeles. "Do you want to go the easy path or the hard one?" Y/n asked, feeling like she could do both.

"I ate cheese fries last night, so let's do the hard one." Katy took a left onto the hard path and y/n rolled her eyes as she followed.

They saw a group of men and a dog up ahead, but didn't pay much attention as they were gossiping about people they knew from work and Katy's recent ex-boyfriend. The path was harder than y/n expected, and she was dripping with sweat by the time they'd gotten halfway up.

"We're never doing this again." Katy panted as she wiped her forehead. Y/n laughed.

"No, we need to do it more often."

"Why? This is torture enough!" Katy pulled on her ponytail, making it a bit tighter.

"The more we do it, the easier it'll get, come on." She pressed forward, dragging Katy up the mountain.

They noticed the guys once again. They were stood at the top of the trail, looking over L.A. and undoubtedly taking a break. It wasn't until the girls drew nearer to them that y/n noticed Jeff.

"Can we go back now? I'm tired." Y/n asked Katy, not wanting to see Jeff ever again.

"What? No! We're so close to the top, and there's cute guys up there." Katy grabbed y/n's wrist forcefully, dragging her towards the top.

"Ow, Katy!" She screamed. "Fine, we'll go." Y/n trudged up to the top of the trail, rubbing her wrist the whole time. She'd never thought of Katy as someone to use force, but she couldn't expect less based on the sexual stories they'd shared in the past.

The closer they got, the more attention they got. Jeff was the last one to turn around.

"It's you." He whispered, smiling. He'd forgotten all of the negative feelings of their past relationship. The familiarity of y/n's face brought an intense emotion to Jeff's chest.

Y/n, on the other hand, didn't feel the same, but something about the way he said "It's you." reminded her of how they found eachother the first time.

She was doing a typical walk of shame. It was six in the morning. Her heels hanging loosely from her fingers as she tugged on her cocktail dress. She should've planned a bit better, or at least stored emergency cash in her bra for a cab. The party she went to wasn't far from her apartment, but walking two miles with a hangover isn't ideal. She was halfway there. Ignoring the stares and mutterings from strangers was harder the more she woke up, and she just wanted to be home.

"Hey! It's you!" The familiar man rolled down his window once again. This time he was laughing.

"Hey." She smiled a bit and her head hung loosely from her neck. "Did you want your sweatshirt back?"

"No, you keep it. Did you want a ride this time?" The way he smiled made her trust him. If he was going to kidnap her, he would've done it the first time.

"Yeah, sure." She hopped in the passengers seat and told him where she lived.

"Have a long night?" He asked her as he pressed his foot lightly on the gas. He would usually speed down this road, but he wanted as much time with her as possible.

"You could say that." She looked down at her lap, not sure of his intentions, before she realized she didn't even know his name. "I'm y/n." She introduced herself, studying his brown hair and clean shaven beard.

"Jeff." He nodded slightly as he turned into the apartment complex.

"Y/n." His voice snapped her back into reality.

"Jeff." She said, as if she hadn't been thinking about him for the past month.

"You know him?" Katy asked, remembering his face from the bar that night.

"Yeah, she knows me." Jeff walked a bit closer to them, a small dog waddling after him. "This is Nerf." He introduced his dog to Katy, already seeing that he'd need to distract her to be able to talk to y/n. It worked, Katy bent down and baby talked the little guy as Jeff pulled y/n into a hug.

"Jeff." She repeated. She didn't know if she wanted to hug him, or wanted to be as far away from him as possible.

"What're you doin' out here?" His accent was still as strong as ever. Y/n's seemed to fade for the most part as soon as she was out of Staten Island, but Katy still made fun of her for the way she pronounced 'coffee.'

"I have a job out here, production assistant." Her smile seemed hard and uninviting, but she was starting to warm up to him again.

"Hey, give me your number, maybe we can catch up sometime?" He noticed his friends were itching to leave so he rushed things along.

"It's the same as it's been for years. You probably still have it memorized." She waved him off with towards his friends, wondering if he actually still remembered it.

"Who was that?" Todd asked Jeff as he fell back into the group.

"Just an ex-girlfriend." He said, attempting to remember her number.

"Can I get your number? So if you need a ride again you can just call." Jeff was smooth as she held a hand on the door to his car.

"My phone's broken." She said. Jeff thought it was a lie at first, but something in her eyes told him that it was true.

"That's okay, we'll be seeing eachother again." He laughed a bit as her brows knitted together.

"How do you know that?" Her hand landed on her hip, heels still dangling from her fingers. She watched as Jeff turned off his car and got out.

"This is my apartment building too."

And so they saw eachother again. And again. And again. And one day she got a new phone.

"I don't have a pen, can you memorize it?" She asked Jeff on their third date. He'd left his phone at a friends house, but didn't want to forget to grab her number.

"I can try." He flashed his famous smile as she repeated the numbers. He made up a little song to remember it.

"What are you humming?" Todd asked Jeff as they continued down the trail back to their car.

"Just an old song I know."

♤♡◇♧

Dr. R. didn't think seeing Jeff again was a good idea, but she didn't explicitly state that y/n shouldn't go. So they met for coffee.

Jeff was a few minutes early, already sipping on an Americano when y/n walked into the small café. The smell of fresh coffee tickled her nose as she walked over to Jeff.

"I got you your favorite." He pushed a cup towards her as he studied her face. She looked a lot different than when they used to date. She was more mature, and you could see it in her eyes. There'd been a big change in her life, maybe it was Jeff leaving her, but he wanted to find out.

Her lips spread into a small smile as she tasted her favorite drink. It had the right amount of sugar and flavor and cream, and she made a mental note of that.

Her chair was a bit uncomfortable, the metal back cold on her shoulder blades, so she sat up straight, probably looking like she was trying too hard to present herself as perfect.

"I'm sorry." He admitted, it was the right thing to say.

"I'd hope so." Her voice was quiet, she felt small compared to him.

Awkward silence ensued, but neither of them had much to say. She looked down at her lap, but he bore his eyes into her. He missed her, and he wanted her to be his once again.

Just like that they were back. It was as if something clicked into place and they picked up right where they left off.

♤♡◇♧

He was so familiar. Everything about him was exactly the same, but also extraordinarily different. They fell in love all over again, spending nights just studying eachother, and taking pop quizzes on how much they remembered from the first time around.

It was 2am, they stayed up a little late, smoking some weed and playing cards.

"Why do you have all the puppy toes?" Jeff slammed his cards on the bed, frustrated that he was losing by a mile.

"Oh my God, I haven't heard that in years." She glanced over her straight. Every card was in the suit of clubs, and she smiled as she looked back up at Jeff.

"Probably because I'm the only person that calls clubs 'puppy toes'."

I remember when you first said it, I couldn't stop laughing.

"My grandma taught me how to play cards, but I could never remember the suits." Jeff started as y/n dealt. They power went out and they had nothing better to do, so why not play cards?

"What'd she make up a song or something?" She laughed, placing the deck to her left and flipping a card over before picking up her hand.

"Well the diamonds and hearts were easy, but she called the spades 'spearheads' and the clubs 'puppy toes,' you know, 'cause they look like little paw prints."

Y/n burst out into a fit of laughter, the words 'puppy toes' exiting her mouth between wheezes.

"Why is that so funny?" Jeff couldn't help but laugh, her happiness was contagious.

"Because she could've called them 'paws' or 'paw prints' but instead she called them 'puppy toes!'"

She was wheezing all over again at the memory. "I still dont understand why it's so funny." Jeff felt comfortable, like they were reliving old times, sitting forever in a happy memory.

Her laughter died down and they were stuck for a moment, staring at eachother.

"I love you, all over again, more than the first time." Jeff's stare bore into her eyes. His words usually sounded flat, perfect to go along with his dry, deadpan sense of humor, but he sounded real this time. He sounded more human.

"I don't think I ever stopped loving you." Y/n replied, dropping the cards, a pile of puppy toes laying between them as she kissed him. Soon she moved, climbing into his lap, sloppy yet fulfilling kisses occupied their faces. Jeff's hands did most of the work, tickling her lightly as they slid up her thighs, around the curves of her ass. His long fingers hooked onto her shirt as his hands continued upward. They disconnected for a moment as her shirt passed over her head.

Jeff leaned back, bringing her with him. Her shorts rode up as she grinded on him, feeling him grow beneath her.

She missed the feeling of his skin on hers, so much that she was glued to him. Bare. Skin on Skin. No protection as her chest stuck to his. He felt her breasts bouncing as he moved her hips up and down on his own.

They both felt cloudy, a nice fog through their brains, the weed channeling all focus to the sensations shared between them.

They were loud. Screaming, moaning, happy, euphoric.

She'd later tell her therapist that it was the best sex she'd ever had, hell the best sex they'd ever had. Her therapist would congratulate her, not really knowing what else to say.

They finished together. Ending up as a heaping pile of skin and juices. They breathed for a moment.

Holding onto eachother like they'd never been held before.

Ten minutes later they were holding hands, naked, and staring at the ceiling. They felt so vulnerable, yet so comfortable with eachother.

"I'm sober now." Jeff confessed. "I know we just smoked weed, but I haven't drank alcohol in months." He was already looking at her when she turned to him.

"Really?"

"Really."

It wasn't the pillow talk she expected, but it was something she needed to hear. She immediately trusted him, and felt like her choice in getting back together with him was justified.

But she couldn't help but think of the first time they broke up.

He blamed it on being drunk. A picture from some anonymous number depicted Jeff face fucking some random chick. Y/n was furious. She felt her heart shatter for the first time when she saw the picture. She knew it was real, and it was recent. He'd just gotten that new tattoo, it was still scabbed over in the picture. She'd put ointment on it for him just a few minutes prior to recieving the horrid image.

She was speechless. Having nothing yet everything to say to him.

Still, he blamed it on being drunk.

They were apart for three weeks. She hoped he had enough time to get it out of his system before he begged for her forgiveness. She missed him, and reluctantly took him back.

That was the first time.

"Thank you for telling me that." She squeezed his hand lightly before getting up to pee.

Laying on his chest, she realized why she'd missed him all this time. It was the tiny little things that made her happy. She made some stupid joke, referencing an old inside joke that only they knew about. The way she could feel his laughter through his chest. She wouldn't even mind being deaf as long as she could still feel his laughter, feel him. Everything was how it was supposed to be.

♤♡◇♧

Things were perfect for a while.

Katy had her own minor crush on Jeff, but y/n trusted her, and knew she just thought he was hot, nothing more. Y/n loved Jeff's friends. They were hilarious and they made her feel like she'd been friends with them for years.

They welcomed her to the group with open arms, as did Jeff's fans. His fans didn't know what to think of her at first, and she'd seen her name tossed around on a few gossip sites, but overall everything was good.

Things were perfect until they weren't.

♤♡◇♧

She always had a deep-seated feeling of unease when she wasn't with Jeff. She trusted him, and his soberness, but there was still that fear. Fear, sitting inside of her chest, like a child hiding from its mom in the coat racks of a department store.

She knew the kid was there, and that it would come out eventually.

The fear always dissipated when she was with Jeff, when they were just hanging out alone. She had nothing to worry about.

They'd been back together for three months. Three wonderful months of laughter and learning and loving and sex.

Jeff surprised her, a bouquet of flowers and a loving note telling her to be ready by seven.

She got dressed up, smiling to herself in the mirror before answering the door. Jeff kissed her and took her out to dinner.

It was lovely, a cute little date at a fancy restaurant, and time alone with her boyfriend. Jeff was expecting sex after their date. Y/n was too, but their plans got thrown off after dinner. The new guy at the restaurant hadn't cleaned her protein properly, leaving her and a handful of other patrons to take off work for the next week. Food poisoning was a bitch.

"I don't feel good." She told Jeff. He took her home, promising to stay with her and make sure she was okay.

She puked her guts out, drank the juice he gave her, and passed out in her bed. He could feel her sickness in the air, and did not want to sleep next to her, but he promised he would stay, so he grabbed a pillow and a blanket and headed out onto the couch in the living room.

"Hey." He sat next to Katy who was watching some girly movie on the TV.

"Did you get in a fight?" She pointed at the pillow and chuckled.

"No, she just doesn't feel good." He smiled. He'd never spent much time with Katy, but he did know she was a simple creature. She lived and breathed Starbucks and glitter, and he couldn't handle too much of her at once. She was gorgeous, though, he couldn't deny that.

It was late, and something about the hours between morning and night when the world is quiet just changes people. They get sloppy, don't think straight. They feel free, almost a little too free, like anything the do could be done without consequences.

It was almost like being drunk on freedom.

Y/n woke up to her stomach grumbling once again. Not in the 'Hey! I'm hungry!' kind of way, but as if her stomach was mad at her. She sat up and pulled her sweat-soaked shirt from her body. She felt horrible.

She wandered out into the living room and towards the kitchen of their small apartment, wondering if there was any Pepto Bismol laying around. She opened the fridge, the light inside causing her to squint.

The three-sided bottle was lodged in the door and she grabbed it, quickly chugging the small amount of pink liquid left. As she closed the fridge she heard something. Giggling.

Her head whipped around towards the couch, noticing Jeff's absence. She wondered for a moment if he left, but his phone was on the table.

She'd forgotten all about her food poisoning as she creeped up to the door of Katy's room.

Her breathing stopped as she attempted to be as quiet as possible.

"Jeff!" She heard Katy giggle, a little moan following it.

"Shh, you're gonna wake her up!"

Y/n stood there for a long time. Hearing every skin slap and giggle and moan. Random word seemed to stick in her head as she listened.

Condom. Jeff. She never has to know. I'm gonna cum.

She didn't know how long she'd been there, or when she started crying, but eventually she was back in her bed, pretending to sleep as Jeff peeked in to check on her.

Her heart was broken. It had already been hastily taped back together the other three times Jeff broke her heart, but now it was gone. There was no more tape.

She felt like she died. Like her soul was gone. She was wretching for air like a fish out of water. Suffocating in her own tears. The only thing she could do was cry.

"You knew this would happen." She told herself as she sat up. She couldn't sleep, between puking and heartbreak, she was the most exhausted yet awake she'd ever been. Her sadness had turned into anger and a fuck-it attitude.

"Once a cheater always a cheater. Fucking fuck!" Her whispers to herself were harsh as she opened her laptop, finding the first flight home. She needed to be home, where it all started. Where she was before she even met him. She'd forgotten about him once, and she could do it again.

She booked the flight. She had two suitcases and a duffle bag, each filled to the brim with things she wanted and needed. All the stupid movie tickets from her and Jeff's dates were left on her dresser. Pictures of her and Katy long abandoned were thrown into a drawer. She left what she could live without, and left what would remind her of them.

She had her things and her uber was arriving soon. She quickly wrote a check, this months rent, tossing it on the messy bed. She had an idea right as she was leaving and grabbed a post-it note. She couldn't decide which cliche was better, but eventually she settled on one.

They always said that history repeats itself, and I never believed them.

Now I do. ♡

She moved her bags to the front door and placed the sticky note on Jeff's phone. He was passed out on the couch, the rising sunlight just starting to hit his face.

She stared at him for a few moments. He was beautiful. She loved so many things about him. She wondered if she was making a mistake, but then she remembered what he did. She'd given him a second chance, hell, a hundred second chances, and he still fucked it up.

She'd blamed it on the alcohol before, but she knew full well he was completely sober last night.

♤♡◇♧

The driver put her bags in the trunk and started towards the airport. She figured her mom wouldn't mind a surprise and the opportunity to have her around for a few weeks until she got her shit together. And sometimes you just need your mom. You need her to hold you like you're still little, like you scraped your knee up real bad and she was the only thing that would make you feel better.

The sun was fully up now. Jeff would be awake soon, and she couldn't tell if he would call or not. Would he call to try and stop her? Or would he simply not care?

She checked her phone, simply for the time, or maybe a text, and noticed her wallpaper. A picture of her and Jeff. She was kissing his cheek. She hated the way her faced looked in that picture, but the way Jeff looked was more important than that at the time. He was smiling. Dimples poking through his beard. His eyes looked kind and filled with love. She couldn't even stand to look at him anymore, but she didn't have the heart to change the picutre.

She decided that she was the one who didn't care and turned her phone off. The only two people she talked to had betrayed her and she didn't want to hear from them.

The farther she got from Jeff, the more the sadness set in. She stared out the window dramatically, thinking about him and how this whole situation seemed like a cheesy music video.

A thought crossed her mind as they drove past a car dealership. All the cars seemed so shiny, so perfect as they sat there, but once you buy it, once it's yours, things change. It's no longer a perfect new car. It's nice for a while, sure, but eventually theres a spider nest under the back seat, a few stray fries in the cupholder, some bird shit on the roof that nobody would notice for months.

Everything seemed perfect until it was yours. You ruin it. You don't take care of it the way you should. Even if the inside is impeccable, there's always the bird shit on the roof.

♤♡◇♧

She was forced to turn on her phone and see his face when the flight landed. She was in the back of a cab as she cancelled her therapy sessions for the next month. Of course, it seemed logical that now would be the time for therapy, and Dr. R. offered to host video sessions, but y/n wasn't thinking logically. She was thinking about getting home, crying into her mom's arms, and crawling into a cave of blankets and pillows for a few weeks.

Tears were already flowing as she walked up to the door. "Y/n!" She opened the door, excited at first to see her, but her tone changing as soon as she saw the state her daughter was in. "Baby." She opened her arms and y/n jumped right into the hug, wailing as she cried.

"I thought he was different." Her words were muffled by her mother's sweater.

"Let's run you a bath."

♤♡◇♧

It'd been a few days back home, and the news had spread that y/n was back and sad, and the kitchen was filled with casserole dishes full of lasagna and baked ziti from her mother's friends. The food was delicious, but she couldn't help but be reminded of Jeff every time she took a bite. The abundance of food was meant as condolences, as it always was in an Italian, New York neighborhood, and y/n knew this. It made her even more sad, sad that everyone knew and everything was going to shit.

"Can you go through your old clothes today? Geanie's daughter. . ." Y/n stopped listening and agreed, not really interested in the backstory of someone she'd met once when she was eighteen, or her supposed daughter.

The thing about heartbreak is that it's all you can think about, all you can feel, but the hardest part is forgetting, letting go, and getting over it. She attempted to remember how she got through it the first time.

"You have to accomplish one thing at a time." Her mom plopped down on her bed. Jeff was gone and he wouldn't talk to her. He'd blocked her number. He abandoned her. Left her in the dust as he went off to L.A. to get rich. She did feel abandoned, like everything she'd done the past few years was for nothing. The second chance she'd given him before was now worthless, and she wondered why she did it in the first place.

"Do you hear me? One thing a day. One thing at a time until you're okay again." Y/n looked up at her mother and nodded. "Today you're taking a shower."

Her one thing today would be sorting through clothes. Maybe finding some tshirt from college that would make her smile. So she spent the day on her bed, three tubs of clothes poured out in front of her, and a comedy special playing on the TV. She chuckled a bit every now and then, actually enjoying herself until she found something at the bottom of the pile.

Jeff's sweatshirt. The one that started it all.

"Take it." Jeff held the sweatshirt out of his window.

"No, I can't, it's yours." but she took it anyway.

It was a plain sweatshirt, nothing exciting, but she knew it was his by the stain on the hem. She'd always wondered what it was from, but never really found the time to ask. She held the cotton against her face, the scent climbing up into her nose. Of course it just smelled like her other old clothes, it'd been years, but she swore that if she sniffed hard enough, she could smell him. Not the Jeff she knew now, but the one that pulled up next to her on the street. The sweet guy that didn't want her to freeze to death. The shiny new car she was yet to buy.

She was crying now, holding the sweatshirt to her chest. A faint knock on the door downstairs was heard, but she paid no attention. It was probably just another baked ziti being delivered from her mom's card playing partner.

"Y/n!" Her mom called, alarming her. It wasn't another ziti. She wiped her eyes and headed down stairs, stopping when she saw who it was.

"I just wanna talk." Jeff pleaded. The anger and sadness filled her chest again and she continued down the stairs.

"Talk about how you cheated on me with my best friend?" The sharpness of her words made his heart hurt. He stepped inside, her mother closing the door before disappearing into the kitchen.

"You don't understand-" He started, but y/n wasn't having it.

"Don't understand what? That you slept with her while I was fucking sick? You couldn't fucking wait until I felt better?" She was screaming in his face, tears rolling down her cheeks, traveling the familiar path.

"Y/n-"

"No, let me fucking talk." She took a deep breath. "You told me you were sober. I fucking loved you for that. I thought that you wouldn't hurt me anymore. I fucking trusted you. A lot.

"Do you know how many second chances I've given you? because I've lost count. I'm over it. I'm done with you. Don't even try to tell me that she forced you into it because I know that's not true. I know you. I know what goes on in your brain. You fucking piece of shit."

Jeff was stunned. He didn't know what to say, or why he wanted her back. He knew he fucked up. He knew that he loved her. He knew what he felt for her, even still after all these years.

"You have to understand my feelings for you, and-" His words had no meaning to her, she wanted him gone, out of sight.

"Fuck you, and your feelings. Get out." She pointed towards the door. He stood still so she started pushing him. "Get out, just get the fuck out!" She screamed, barely moving his body.

"I love you!" He screamed back, now holding her shoulders in place. Her eyes locked with his. Hers were full of emotion, depth, deep sadness. His were nothing of the sort. They looked hollow, empty, only a tiny spark of emotion barely flickering through them. That was enough for her to know his true feelings.

"If you loved me we never would've broken up in the first place." She pushed him off of her, her voice quivering as she crossed him to open the door.

"You said in your note that history repeats, but it doesn't have to. We can change history. We can forget it all." He attempted to use her own words as a way to get through to her, but she was smarter than that.

"I already have forgotten it all, a million times over. I've let you back in only for the same shit to happen again. You can't change the past, Jeff." She turned and ran upstairs, grabbing his sweatshirt off her bed. He was walking down the driveway when she called his name. He thought for a moment that she'd changed her mind, that she did still want him.

"I don't need you to keep me warm anymore." She threw it at him, hitting him in the face. He let it fall to the ground, a tear falling from his eye as he looked back at her.

She slammed the door shut and there he was.

Left alone, back right where it all started.

#Jeff wittek #David dobrik #David's vlogs #davids vlogs #jeff wittek imagine #jeff wittek x reader #jeff wittek fanfiction #jeff wittek blurb #jeff wittek smut #jeff wittek angst #vlog squad imagines #vlog squad imagine #vlog squad

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lightshielded · 5 years

Text

spoilers and very VERY long, so below cut.

tl;dr - jarv is a character going through a lot of emotional turmoil caused by the lose of trust in close friends, lose of his family to the very magic they were working to promote ( suggesting to him it was the wrong idea to promote it ), having little healthy support network, and around him is a game of politics where those older and more experienced on the council are influencing him heavily in his altered state of mind. however, he is still a character who cares for his people, wanting to protect his people from future catastrophes cause by magic but also knowing they aren’t all bad so is also shown tentatively reaching out to foreign advisers of allied nations which have advised his father in the past on the subject of magic and is trying to do his best despite being king far younger than anyone should and thrown into the position in a truly horrific way.

important - all is subject to change as we are provided more info, this is just a pouring out of my first impressions and my attempt to understand and rationalise everything under the current state and info provided. also important to note, this includes mentions of suicidal tendencies, depression, ptsd and other like matters. please read with caution.

so as you may know ( or don’t and do not care about spoilers ) our dear prince, or rather king now, has had a very bad day. like he was almost made to eat a rat, and marvel didn’t want to draw him in his actual armour and did in the ceremonial / ig armour instead so i got big cucked out of my hopes and dreams, he got hit with a morg ult when trying to gank mid lane . . . oh and the mid laner killed his dad. what a wonderful day for our dear prince, i mean king.

so a couple things that are unrelated to what i am about to talk about but things that are true in my mind. riot removed jarv’s capture and torture by noxus just so they could have sy/las say he has no idea what he has experienced. just saying. 8 years of basically the exact same lore only to have one of his key points removed at the addition of the character? who then mocks him for it? just saying it’s true. tho i personally still go by that he was capture on my own blog and all, but i have cracked riot’s code.

also like where was shy? i think jarv kinda mentions her but like she is his bodyguard. that’s her whole thing. where is she? i get she tries to lay low but she is meant to be on jarv’s personal guard, but she wasn’t there. now i have a short theory on this. for those who don’t know, shyv is genetically a dragon, her real magic is the fire rune inside her. but otherwise she is a dragon that some how fucked up and became a human ( prior to sy/las it was caused by magic so the magic is technically making her human not a human becoming a dragon and after sy/las the shitty lore we don’t like is that it is the weather ).

so my theory is, since her dragon - ness isn’t magic but is like genetics, she would just eat him and he actually can’t use it against her so they had to remove her. some how. cause plot. and jarv is mopey that she isn’t around, for a reason they wont say :///// that or riot doesn’t care about her or forgot she existed :)))))))

so the actual things i wanted to talk about, jarv’s very harsh language and actions in the comic and short story. they seem so violent from what we know of the prince of the past. and while that might be true i would like to point out a couple things about jarv as a whole before we begin:

jarv was never brought up to fear or dislike mages - ( though would have heard stories i imagine ) which is evident in his father’s own opinions and his lore. this makes his point of view here seem obscure, he seems to hate very strongly despite not doing so before. this is true, but i believe i can provide some enlightenment on this. something similar to this has happened in his lore before. his first conflict with noxus he was introduced the harshest realities of war, it is the innocents that die first. in both new canon lores ( prior and post syl/as changes ) it is stated there were only a handful of survivors out of dozens of towns. it is said what he saw deeply affected him. the carnage there so deeply troubled him and he could not forget the faces of the dead. the atrocities he witnessed were far greater than he had anticipated and it left him very shaken and unable to correctly reason. this caused him to ignore all rational plotting and sense, pushing away all his advisers’ ideas, wanting nothing more the avenge those who died. and this ends badly for him. like jarv really, really loves his people and would do anything to keep them safe. in fact, it is known from other stories jarv doesn’t ask of his soldiers to do anything dangerous he himself isn’t doing. if they must face the risk of death he will do so too. and he has earned himself a lot of respect for that. so we know, jarv is deeply affected by his people’s deaths and is not unknown to react mindlessly out of rage when they are hurt, and thinking the ‘villain’ need to be punished.

our now king is younger than you all probably think - if you take demacia’s lore and the dates / ages we are given, he is quite young. low 20s with a max of about 25 but even that is generous. it is noted he doesn’t know what to do, his mood fluctuating like rising and falling flames, his lore says he needs to be ready but not that he is. this is not to say he is incompetent or emotional because of he age, but with age comes experience that he has not had the chance to garner yet. he is not ready yet in his own opinion and i would agree as well.

jarv loves his family, a lot - and his only family was his father and xin. i think it is important to note, jarv has a lot of love for his family for they are the only people that really see him as a person. his closest friend even had to be reminded to call him by name. so to lose the closest people to you hurts man. his dad just died. okay.

jarv’s part in turmoil - there is actually a story which occurs after the time frame of the lu/x comic ( unless they are going to say the events of the last volume cover a full month? ) which has some interesting links and i’ll summarise all that with my conclusions at the end.

so. onto the main part. why has our fair king turned from someone who sees ‘ the true strength of the Demacian people—standing together as one in defense of their homeland, no matter their differences or misgivings. ’ to ‘ Mages? . . . We should have executed them all. ’ it is shocking. even xin is shocked by how much he has seemingly flipped noting, ‘ Indeed, he knew the prince had always been troubled by Demacia’s treatment of its mages. But that was before. ’ note, xin is saying he was troubled once and these anti - magic outbursts are new. though, i will like to point out, i don’t think the outbursts in the short story or the comic are particularly anti - magic as they are anti - syl/as and anti - murderous rebellion. so from now on, i am going to work through the sections of the comic and then the short story and kind of evaluate jarv’s thoughts and feelings and what i think is happening with him. wow, i hope you like your posts long. ( oh, and i recommend turning the pages along with me since i will not be posting pictures unless it is very important to save on length )

so to begin, we first see jarv at a meeting with a mage - seeker, some council members and his father, reacting to what happened several hours ago. honestly here he is as normal, he is thinking first and foremost for the people and with a very strategical focus to his thoughts. he is trying to both reassure his own father while working to capture the murderers. truly nothing remarkable other than him being a little taken aback by his father chiding him. i can talk a long time how jarv was brought up with very zealot ideas despite the king’s best intentions but that is not for now.

next page is mostly focused on the riots outside but does show jarv’s priorities. protect my father, fight for my people. heck this is even brought up in his ( now very outdated ) voice lines ‘ for my father, the king. ’ ‘ protect the faithful. ’ also cue me getting excited they would show jarv’s actual combat armour since they have the guards all in that good shit but nah they didn’t and i am big sad. i get they set all the demacian champs to their in game stuff ( and for jarv that’s the for show / ceremonial armour ) rather than their lore stuff for accessibility but still i am sad.

and now we get to the fun stuff. wow look at jarv straight beating the shit out of people. legit knocking several people down, making someone into a kebab. the come at me stance. that face he makes when sy/las calls him princeling. so many people call him that in lore. is it even a unique insult at this point? get new material you chain gremlin you.

in the next page we do see him angry tho, at first he is controlled and stoic with his speak, not too many emotions showing on his face. but it is when he puts a threat on his father do we see his brows furrow and leave him quite angry in the last panel of this page. tho, while obvious mad at the threat on the king he is actually keeping his cool. rational thought based on what he knows of the magic syl/as has. but he is a bit ticked off. ( OH ALSO THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART DON’T @ ME BUT JARV IS TALLER THAN SY/LAS WHILE BENDING DOWN AND IN A FIGHTING STANCE AND SY/LAS IS UPRIGHT BY LIKE AN INCH. HE IS PROBABLY SEVERAL INCHES TALLER UPRIGHT. I STAN THIS TALL MAN. )

so the next page is very interesting, we see syl/as talk of ancient and powerful struggles then conjure fire from the pillars. so as far as i am aware this is meant to be a reference to our favourite angels but i am trying to work out when this would have been. i thought they fought in a small town which was all but destroyed and not in the capital city. it is possible that the petricite keystones were at the town and those keystones moved to where the capital would be considering their reverence of kay/le and stuff but idk. super cool tho! it might be explained in the future, or not but i think what i have there is the most rational ( or maybe they mean like various conflicts involving them but not them against each other ??). anyway, we also see jarv getting madder obvious from the last page and then the language he uses, gone from the neutral ‘ mage ‘ to negative terms such as ‘ thugs ’. so the fire heavily wounds or kills the guards and jarv jumps head long into the flames.

the next page continues with their fight which is frankly brutal but they really skimped on detail here. it is shown that jarv cut syl/as in the chest and stuff but 1) no blood and 2) it is no where to be seen later in the comic which is unfortunate. would have been cool. other things which is cool, jarv pinwheeling kay/le’s fire away. i love the dumb ways jarv is shown to use his lance in various media, just spectacular. but yeah, syl/as going for blows in calling him ignorant about the heritage he loves. cause we know how much our man loves demacia. but i think he is trying to goad him. like i said before, jarv wears his heart on his sleeve a lot. he is an emotional man, but emotions can make you sloppy.

so on the next page, we see morg’s magic and again i love this touch but who really knows how it is there. so jarv is taken down by that which is interesting because it affected him a lot more than kay/le’s? i have theories about the magics and how they affect people based on their judgements but again that’s for discussion for another post. so with the guards taken down and then their prince, syl/as finds himself victorious.

so skipping through gar/en’s bit, we next see jarv tied up and being walked ahead of some of the mages. notably he isn’t wearing his crown helm. but also, he is very calm. jarv doesn’t really fear his own death much, he has faced dying before and to him it is simply a risk a soldier faces. so he is rather calm on the walk while syl/as threatens him. though, likely also subdued by the magic from before. but he is also talking a lot of sense, this does end badly, really sy/las doesn’t get what he wants out of this venture, not really. sylas however thinks this funny and mocks him about eating rats ( which honestly i question what he actually ate because 1) idk about you but i didn’t see rats in these panels of his cell and 2) he looks very fit and healthy for a man who eats rats. personally i think they feed the prisoners but since their magic is being sapped constantly by the petricite that they likely get hungrier faster, like they are constantly exercising, and so he ate rats. but also again, lets be real, they removed jarv being tortured so he couldn’t reply ‘ well no, but i survived being tortured by noxus. i have eaten much worse. ’ ( also syl/as uses incorrect style of address here which is either an accident or an interesting hint to the next page - majesty is for kings, highness for princes ) anyway, he drags the prone jarv to the door and...

surprise. the king is already dead by the time they get there. now jarv is obviously shocked and horrified and sy/las is too but i think that is because someone is stealing his thunder and hello his plans aren’t going to plan. this is when things start going down hill for jarv’s mental state. before he was mad but controlled, jarv’s expression on this page are wild eyed. and very much lacking of any confidence he had prior. for once, the prince looks as young as he actually is, rather than acting a stoic faced prince.

now the next page is actually the one i think the artists drew the best for jarv. i really love his eyes in the first panel. jarv’s hunched posture, the looking over his shoulder and upwards, got to say i love the composition. also i didn’t mention it yet but jarv and syl/as’hair almost look the same and idk if that is intentional but i like the idea that it might have been cause it makes our fair prince look very rugged and references his position as a prisoner. anyway. but just jarv’s silence in the last panel, before he was confident and speaking and now his words are trailing off and he has nothing to say. he lost his family and the idea of mages being monsters comes to his mind here. ( also note, while i have cut this out of the image, when syl/as is asking about who killed the king the mages say it wasn’t them but possibly another mage that came with them. this is probably true since it is anarchy at the moment but also there is no blood so unlikely to have been caused by a weapon and poison doesn’t make sense since the guards were dead too. )

but that isn’t the end of it, that is for sure. syl/as lost the king to his own anarchy so he needs a new star of his show. and so jarv continues to have a bad time. he is dragged from his grieving and through the citadel ( and past some really fucked up and burnt bodies wow trying to give jarv flash backs are you? ) and here jarv is starting to have doubts about his father and his own views. ‘ my father was wrong about your kind. he thought he could make peace with you. and you murdered him. ’ jarv puts the barrier between his people and mages at this point, condemning any thought which would have allowed this as wrong. now syl/as then insists that the king could have changed this at any time but we also know the council of demacia is quite powerful itself and the king leaves it to a more democratic style of coming to decisions together and actually regrets letting them have so much power. and jarv is marched outside to be made an example of and executed.

passing over ‘lu/x being a bad ass part one’, we return to jarv being cuffed to this really fancy chair. i like it, but also how extra can you be sy/las. anyway, as this page goes on we can really see the prince’s loss of confidence and despairing states. he starts strong when syl/as claims he has been complacent on things ( finally confirmation that he hasn’t cause riot wont tell me anything !!!! ) and he denies that neither he or his father have, and syl/as knows nothing about either of them. but his words trail off, he is stuttering through his words, head bowed, skin clammy.

what he is talking about is 1) his backstory where he fought noxian invaders of demacia’s outer borders and allied lands, 2) meeting with exiles and we know in demacia their exiles tend to be mages as magic use is given imprisonment or exile - this quite happily aligns with my own head canons that he meets with them to help provide safe passage and resources similar to j3 to the noxians in his and xin’s story - 3) now we can assume he is talking about the same person from before in the earlier comic but he is really dodging around a name. i’m inclined to think shyv right now based on the ‘not so different’ so implying similar but not mage but magical creature. but really we don’t know. though that’s cute. but syl/as simply laughs this off, deeming any effort they have made and mocking his relationship. anyway, jarv just looks really sad and upset man.

and so the next page goes on and sy/las is calling for the crowds opinion on if he should be executed. some ( likely the rebels ) say yes and some ( likely town folk ) say no and beg for someone to save him. syl/as of course listens to his own people only and takes execute as the option, and starts firing up the mages on that. some call for him to be bled ( oh i see this is where they wanted to put the noxian blood letting torture. they got rid of it to be put here i see. ) and another to behead him. and up until the end, jarv simply seems like he is simply given in, accepted his death. eyes closed and almost willing it over. he has already had to deal with one drawn out (near) death before, he doesn’t particularly want another. he only seems perturbed when syl/as tries to force him to eat a rat before he dies. again he is wide eyed, and very disgusted by the prospect.

he is already in a state where his father has been murdered, he has been pulled away from him and forced to march past the magic warped remains of his people both soldiers, councillors and innocents, his death is being made into a sceptical and now he is also being humiliated. also important to note is that he is alone in all of this, his uncle is nowhere to be found, his father is dead, when forced into an arranged marriage with someone he considered a trusted friend he was given no answer but abandonment, and his two friends are no where to be seen. that mixed with the people he loves so dearly gathered to watch him die and some even calling for his death. he is hurting really badly, and if he didn’t want to be sick at the sight of burnt bodies he now wants to be sick at the thought of eating a live rat.

and now we have ‘lu/x being bad ass part two’ and ga/ren rushes in to save them both. the comic doesn’t say and what exactly happens next is likely a flash back at the start of the next comic as i believe the next comic occurs after the short story, as it was released now and not then. but i imagine two things occur in jarv’s mind during this event of him being saved ( which he know he is ). 1) gar/en is right. he can always trust ga/ren. we know his friend is vocal in his dislike of magic and belief in the laws in place, so jarv after these events probably takes to leaning on this view point as it comes from on of the only people he has left and feels safe with him after all he has gone through.

2) can lu/x really be trusted? jarv isn’t blind nor deaf. he heard syl/as and lux talk about them used to being friends, and that he used her to kill people. he doesn’t know about her magic i don’t think, but could clue it out from that maybe, and it is unsure if he knows her involvement with syl/as but he now knows she wouldn’t even deny the proposed arranged marriage to his face and she was apparently friends at one point with the one who lead to his father’s death. this cuts him a bit. ( also i see again, the trying to insert jarv lore into here? with gar/en saving him? interesting but not nearly as emotion jerking as gar/en finding his armour blood soaked and empty next to an executioners post with the pin signifying them as the closest shit in each other’s lives in the bloody mud c’: )

now, we do not know much until the events of the aftermath short story. this story, told through xin’s point of view, is honestly very depressing and provides a lot more focus on jarv’s collapsing mental state. while in the comic he is hurt and distressed, struggling with the idea of his own views on the matter and then the significant pain cause to him by magic and the possible danger it could cause his people, aftermath shows us a prince who has been stewing on it for the night. occurring the day after, it is told to us he does not look like he has slept and his emotions are raw at the surface. i suggest reading the full story but i will only be talking about jarv’s mentions in this.

so our encounter with jarv in this short story occurs with xin finding him at the training fields. he is described as already breathing with exertion and drenched with sweat, a suggestion that he has been doing this for some time now, and his emotions wild and clear. he is also attacking wildly at the dummy, very much venting but also showing us he isn’t poised or in control of himself. yet when he speaks, calling xin uncle, it seems uncertain. i surely read it with a tired and tentative voice in mind. yet, after a pause, his emotions re-flare and he becomes angry again (something which happens several times over the course of the short story). he speaks coldly, harsh, trying to find someone to take the blame for the events, shifting rapidly from seeing xin as family to seeing him as a simple bodyguard ( something from the previous flash backs show the later of being untrue, and that xin is extremely close to jarv ). i also see this as him struggling with his own thoughts and passions, a war of heart and mind - xin being family vs xin being his father’s bodyguard, in extension we have seen mages murdered my father vs not all mages are guilty, i hate them vs i hate them all.

the prince then decides the best way to interrogate xin is by also trying to vent his frustrations with sparing. in jarv’s short story ‘ ebony, ivory, jasper ‘ we see him as a very level headed tactician which is controlled and ultimately able to see the right plays and choices in things where others can not. this is not that jarv. he is literally striking first, thoughts and questions later. xin mentions he is also not taking his strikes lightly, that he is swinging hard enough to break bone, something one wouldn’t do unarmoured or with someone you care about. he is pacing like a stressed animal, gripping his weapon like it is only lifeline, and forcing xin to fight him like it is his only reprise. another point made which shows jarv’s very altered state of mind is how xin also notes his form is sloppy, jarv is a good fighter, one of the kingdoms best, yet he observes there to be ‘ little finesse to the strikes ’ and that ‘ at any other time he would have berated the prince for his poor form—he was thinking only of attack, and leaving himself open for ripostes and counter-strikes ’. now since we know xin trained him and considers this poor form for him, it is likely jarv is definitely not of these traits normally, something further confirmed when he notes these are something he wouldn’t do now or take advantage because he sees them as caused by his justified anger.

skipping past the first flash back, jarv continues to press xin and eventually just tosses his weapon away when he doesn’t get an answer he wants. the frustration and anger is palpable. the prince isn’t the kind of person to discard something so carelessly, to be so disrespectful as to throw something of his to the ground. jarv has been raised to have the ideas of honour and respect and personal value and virtue as being very important, and the disrespect of tossing one of his weapons, staring at it while someone else picks it up, isn’t something jarv in his stable mind would do. yet he does such and grabs his lance - a sharp and deadly weapon in comparison to his blunted sword - and xin protests using them because jarv is unarmoured. now i have not heard anyone cover this exact fact but i want to talk about it for a bit, xin is armoured but jarv is not. jarv is attacking and not caring about his defence. and now he is making xin fight him with their actual sharpened weapons while only xin is armoured. either of these weapons could kill him, even his own by his own hand if he isn’t careful as noted by xin. and just, he doesn’t care if he gets hurt.

i think this exemplifies one fact about jarv, the first fact i mentioned above. he experiences a great amounts of survivor guilt in the time he failed his troops as a youth and now he sees himself as failing his people and his father by not saving them. he couldn’t even beat syl/as. and now he has to live with that fact, and very alone with it now. he is both trying to find someone else to blame to share in his own self torment or at least have someone either take him out of his misery or give him a punishment that jarv thinks is fitting for his failure. and i think perhaps, while not explicitly noted, xin acknowledges it ‘ “You are not armored,” . . . “I don’t care,” . . . Reluctantly, his heart heavy, he retrieved his spear and moved back out into the open area in the center of the hall. ’ after all, it was xin in jarv’s earliest lore which remarked on the prince’s altered mental state as one of the people that knew him best, i would say that perhaps this is our new lore equivalent. and perhaps bring another down with him. ( jarv has always had a slight discard for his own life - see his quotes and his colour story - but this is quite excessive. the others can be seen as brave, this is different )

one more flash back later, they are fighting and we know jarv is not holding back. none of the fighting right now is casual, he is serious and very angry. this is contrasted with memories of xin with jarv and how jarv once idolised heros and here he is wielding the weapon in a very non-hero-like way. and yet drakebane itself moves in conjunction with his own actions like a perfect extension of his body. we are told that drakebane ( as obvious by its name ) was forged by the great weapon smith orlon, the same who made pop/py’s hammer, in order to combat a powerful frostdrake named maelstrom and her brood. perhaps digging into it too much, but i do see in essence that while the sword was not working for him yet his lance remains faithful is by his conviction in its original purpose. this lance was created to slay great beings of magic, to kill dragons, for the great kings of demacia to wield against the mages of the runewars. and this fits the mindset this king currently has.

another flashback passed we come back to a xin who is facing a new set of concerns, before he was worried about fighting the prince with dangerous weapons while jarv are unarmoured and now he is concerned that maybe the prince getting horribly wounded is not the only issue. here we see another drastic flip in jarv, he would never hurt someone he cared about, he is especially known to put himself in harms way before anyone else. and yet. he cut xin and xin is reasonably concerned but also unafraid. while it is only explicitly stated that xin thinks there is balance in dying here but it surely seems jarv also has this opinion. they both seem to think death is what they deserve. yet ( as angry as jarv is ) he doesn’t to want kill xin as much as xin wishes not to harm him. he stops as the blade ghosts xin’s skin, begging xin for answers but upon receiving it ( if not by xin’s confession but by his own reasoning ) he just deflates. he works out xin was sent away and so he is left as the only one at fault for ‘failing’. xin was fulfilling his duty, while he failed in his.

instead, jarv is just remains tired, tired and grieving and alone. through the next two flashbacks and jarv’s reaction to them we learn the late king was a stubborn man about what he believed in and that he often put his work ahead of himself and his family despite his love for his son. and just as quickly did jarv sober did his temper re-flare, upon hearing about the rebellion again he declares that they should have killed all the mage prisoners instead of imprisoning them. xin is shocked by this for he remarks that once jarv used to be concerned with the treatment of mages in demacia like his father but acknowledges that this was before what they did to him and that his anger in the moment is justified. but he still reminds him that his father wouldn’t agree with that, as he wouldn’t have once agreed with that. here it is key to see one of the great hurts in him right now is he feels both a failure and he feels betrayed, he snaps back ‘ and they killed him. ’ the lightshields had been working towards making things better for mages and in jarv’s angry thoughts and he feels betrayed by the ones they were working to help, he feels as if his good nature was taken advantage of and hurt by those he cared about. ( also note, canonically, execution is a murderer’s punishment. killing another is punishable by death and this is shown in some stories. )

just as quickly as this outburst begins does it end however, his fire dies and he sheds any mask of princely facade and anger, revealing he is simply lost, scared, sad and confused again. he grips feebly to support, and weeps. likely not the first time given his earlier description, but likely the first true time where he might realise the full emotion and weight of the situation. and he tries to hold strongly to it, he doesn’t have confidence or stability so he is all but begging xin to be it for him. when he is told that xin sees his life as forfeit, jarv grips at strings to keep xin with him. while desperate it is still very controlled though, controlled and thought out. begging wouldn’t work, but xin’s sense of duty would. and once xin starts to relent, he asks formally, appealing to the formal requirements. and once that digs at him, he appeals to the side that is his uncle, for he needs him as much as his kingdom. strategic in all things but it also shows his reliance on xin emotionally in this point. i strongly believe, if xin denied him he would crumple and things would be a lot worse. even if xin thinks he looks more composed after his breakdown.

and the short story ends with xin accompanying jarv to a council meeting. xin remarks at how controlled jarv is compared to his outburst, likely due to two things: 1) he had his outburst and is now not bottling up his emotions as much and is able to control himself better, and 2) jarv is required to look regal. xin notes that demacia needs a strong leader right now and jarv likely knows that just as well ( which will play a part in his next actions ) and so is portraying himself in such a way regardless of how his emotions might still be. i think this is shown well when he asks to see the note xin was to deliver, the contents of which anger him. it is a reminder of his older self, of his old ambitions and everything that he lost. and so he wrings its neck like he has to his old self and what he wishes to do to those that caused this. this shocks and disturbs xin and he is concerned. it is also important to note that the mageseekers are trained to combat magic so keeping them with greater powers, he increases arrests while the note wished to limit them, is advantageous to his wants.

after this point lu/x 5 will fill but we don’t know much of it so we shall skip over it for now. lastly, we have turmoil, a short story i really suggest reading which takes place one month after these events. as not much is relevant other than a few details and the laws of stone i will summarise. in turmoil, it follows a group of demacian soldiers as they are sent to escort a foreign dignitary to the capital, a mage from arbormark called arjen. the soldiers are uneasy with this and some wish that they could be out hunting the rebellions in the woods instead. two mageseekers accompany them as is now required by the laws. as they escort the mage they run into trouble. fearing the villages of the town wish to hurt the mage they are escorting, the soldiers form a tight perimeter and try to escape through a passage and a building. however, it is revealed the mob is not mad about the mage but one of the mageseekers with them. this mageseeker, under the new laws of stone was made to remove a young girl who he had been working with prior, he laments he didn’t want to remove her for she was innocent and he wouldn’t have required to prior but the laws have changed to become stricter and so all mages are considered guilty. the mother of the young mage tries to kill him but she is talked down but the crossbow still fires in a shot which would have killed one of the more vocal mage hating soldiers but arjen carefully uses his magic to deflect the bullet with only that soldier and the main character noticing. the mage hating soldier is conflicted and says nothing, implied to be having a turn of heart. the mother tells the mob to disperse and the envoy continues to the capital.

now from this we learn a couple things: 1) is is now illegal to BE a mage. prior to sy/las it was only illegal to USE magic and so benign mages were actually educated on how to control themselves at times and we treated more of a sickness at other. but now you’re life is a crime. 2) some of the mageseekers themselves are uncomfortable with this. while mageseekers have often been portrayed as horrific people, it is shown in this story as being more a magic focused police service which holds some corruption in higher ranks but also employs people who simply want demacia kept safe and don’t agree that magic is bad but rather bad mages are bad people. 3) that demacia has a lot of allies due to their defence of realms beyond their boarders and also that they understand demacia’s place and don’t condemn them for it. they understand the position of demacia based on its history. 4) these allies are sending who they think will help advise the new king of demacia best including mages and jarv is NOT denying them entry, which shows a willingness to listen which is a step beyond his much more aggressive stance one month earlier. 5) the punishment for being a mage is exile or imprisonment. currently the prisons in demacia are overloaded and there are prison camps in the outskirts. also exile is seen as one of the worst punishments in demacia. and 6) the rebellion is being hunted by the demacian army.

so, after all this, what can be conclude? it is obvious jarv is GREATLY affected by the barrage of death around him. his pre-existing survivor’s guilt is further exasperated by the failure to protect his father and those he swore to and he feels greatly betrayed by many people in his life ( lu/x for claiming to be a friend of the one who killed all these people, the mages he was trying to help striking when he is most vulnerable ). he is greatly alone with losing many friends and family and others being seemingly absent from the events, giving him only those with views which would increase his own anti-mage sentiment if he listens to them. he is lost in his grief and his depression and his anger, his empathetic nature stretched to its breaking point and he has no respite. in the end, jarv is doing what he thinks will protect his people, note he likely does not think mages among his people anymore, and will do anything for their safety. but he is also trying to be reasonable by reaching out to his allied nations as a new king and accepting the advise of mages on these topics. he isn’t murderous, but he is hurt and alone and his actions in his hurt are making him more alone. it’s a vicious cycle demacia has always been in, and now our dear newly crowned king has fallen into it.

a little extra: i do think there is a bit of jarv’s lore MISSING given the situation with shyv. i hope this will shed light on what he was doing and how that also affected him before this happened. i also hope they eventually show us jarv being redeemed for this is FAR from the jarv that the bio shows us on his page and i think that is his true self. just, if i can recall, someone i know once said at your lowest you become your opposite and i think this is true here.

#wow um okay #thats long #like 7 k words long #kudos to you if you read it all #its just me throwing out all my thoughts on the events to read #also not going to lie #this was so long #i didn't edit it at all #sorry for the grammar errors #about /#— out of character `

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anastasiaskarsgard · 5 years

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Link to my masterlist for earlier chapters or other stuff I've written

His Queen

Part 3

Bri ripped open the letter, amazed it was handwritten and in cursive! Knowing Roman, he had an assistant write it, but she felt a warmth in her chest knowing he’d truly loved her all along.

To My Queen, Briana Godfrey,

(Admit it! That sounds way better than Tucker, have the lawyers change it.)

Oh, and before I get into it, I wrote this myself. No assistants, so fuck you for thinking it.

Bri smiled a sad smile at how they still knew how the other thought.

I have to start off by saying thank you for reading this letter. That means you're at the white tower. I don't deserve you. I've turned into everything I never wanted to become. Everything you made me believe I could escape. You are the light to my darkness and I'm so sorry I disappointed you. I don’t have a lot of time, but I needed a plan in case I fail. You’re the only person I trust with my company, my money, my daughter, my legacy, my heart, all of it. I am an absolute crack head level blood addict, and I couldn’t trust myself when we got overly emotional to keep my head. Because I love you so much, you can make me so upset, and That last fight we got into, I scared myself. I don’t blame you for slapping me, but to hold back from returning the blow, I literally broke my own hand... but this is not what this letter is about.

Peter and my sick half-sister Annie have stolen my daughter. Peter is hell-bent on destroying me because he killed Destiny's trash fiance, and lied about it, so she blamed me and attacked me and I hurt her bad enough to foresee issues with peter, so I broke her neck to avoid problems figuring it was showing her some mercy since she was heartbroken. Annie was there and when I refused to carry on an incestuous relationship with her, she turned on me and told Peter about Destiny. So he came after me and fucking shot me, we fought and I won, but didn't cut his head off so I knew he’d be fine. Well, he calls me and has my kid and won't turn her over, and says he's going to kill me so even though I doubt it, Nadia needs someone to raise her, and if I'm killed it's not my whore of a sister Annie. I need you to find Nadia and take her home and raise her as she deserves. She’s such a sweet baby and she adores you.

Find Shelley and she can help you maybe. She’s in love with this weird old poet and chooses to live at the old steel mill. Calls it Rooster Poop. Can’t make this shit up.

The entire security team is trying to find Nadia, so contact them and see where they’re at with it.

you are the love of my life and I refused to ever say so, even though we both knew it was true. I would bullshit and say it’s cuz I was saving you from myself, but I’m not that fucking noble. You scared me more than anything ever scared me in my life. God, it's great to admit I love you. Like I need to make up a new word for how I feel for you cuz love isn’t strong enough.

there’s a pretty poem I saw that reminded me of you;

I’d still choose you.

In a hundred lifetimes,

in a hundred worlds,

in any version of reality,

I’d find you and I’d choose you.

Even though I knew you were going to break my heart again and again.

I’d still choose you.

It’s crazy how happy I am writing you a letter, even with every aspect of my life in shambles, you’re my light.

You get everything. Fuck all of them. You were right about everything. If I survive this shit, I am winning you back if it takes 100 years and I have to spend every cent. This is literally a reset.

I tried to forget your baby girl but I never could. No amount of drugs, money, blood, or bullshit could ever distract me from the constant ache in my heart for only you. You’re the only pussy I ever wanna see again. I ran thru a fantastic amount of pussy after you left and none of them made me forget you for even a moment. I pictured you or I could not get off. It was pathetic. I hope I get to see you again and rip up this fucking letter.

I looked back over this and there’s a reason I have other people write shit up for me. A few requests to seriously consider:

-->Blitzky should take over for Pryce. Not only is he a genius, he's a good guy. He's a bit soft, so you may have to be the bad guy.

-->Get a new nanny. The current one looks good on paper but she's an idiot.

--> Live in the white tower. It's secure and safe and you can make as many floors as you like home.

--> if an animal killed me, it's Peter and he's still a wolf. He’ll be white. Kill him, cut off his head and burn him up in the incinerator.

--> if Annie comes around at all, kill her. She's very manupulative and acts religious and nice. She's crazy and not to be trusted.

-->try and convince Shelley to live in the mansion and have her little homeless community there. She doesn't care about money but she cares about people, so offer it as a safe haven. Make sure it stays stocked in necessities like toilet paper, soap, cleaning materials, etc and write it all off as a charity contribution. Make the whole endeavor a big tax write off, but don't tell Shelley that part. Just tell her it was my dying wish she had a home.

--> the loser she's with has legal problems. Have the legal department solve them so he's got no reason to desert her.

-->if Peters mom comes sniffing around, don't tell her a damn thing. I doubt she will tho, she's a wanted fugitive.

--> don't trust any gypsies.

--> Nadia is very intelligent. She can read minds, influence dreams, and kill anyone or anything just by looking at them. She's dangerous and shouldn't be allowed around animals or people until she can understand the concept of death and consequences. There's no way to control her, I have found.

--> I promised a homeless man I ate that id pay for his sons school. Anonymously pay for Mathew Shandwicks classes, books and dorm at Penn State for all 4 years. His father traded his life without a single complaint so it's imperative you keep my word.

-->make sure Nadia isn't a spoiled brat like me. Teach her about her mother and her father and all the good things about us. Leave out we were related if you can swing it. Just say we were young and loved each other very much. I enclosed a pack of photos of me and Letha for her.

I wonder what you’re wearing... That reminds me; if I’m really dead, you have to be in mourning at least two years. That means all black suits and dresses that cover you up, black nails, big black hats like you just left a Catalina Yacht Mixer or you’re going to a royal wedding. I even got you black lab coats just in case.Don’t half ass this. It’s important.

Also I want “Fuck you” by the Archives played at my funeral, if it comes to that.

Hopefully, you never see this letter because I got everything fixed here, and went and found you and you ran into my arms and we lived happily ever after, and I have a whole lifetime with you... But just in case...

All my love,

Roman Godfrey

P.s. - since you're a genius, hopefully you can fix me or bring me back. I hope you still love me even 10% as much as I love you, because then nothing can stop us.

Brianna stared at the page as her tears fell on it swirling the ink in designs and spirals. She knew he’d always loved her, but it was bittersweet seeing him finally admit it. She took the photos out of the envelope and looked through them.

Looking through the pictures was heart-wrenching. There had to be a way to fix all this! She tried to remember everything she’d learned about Upirs from that dreadful Russian women and Pryce. Luckily they’d been a bit of an obsession for her that she delved into when Roman pulled his shit. Being obsessed with Upirs had distracted her from obsessing over the real issue.

Just as she started to wonder when Mueller and Edwards would be back, as if by magic, the elevator doors opened. They had brought Dr. Blitzkey with them as well.

“Oh my gosh! You’re alive! I’m so happy to see you’re ok and still here!” Bri said as she ran up and embraced Blitzky. “Where is Roman? I need to see him.”

Blitzky looked at the ground nervously before meeting your eyes. “It’s not fixable.”

“No matter. I just NEED to see him. Please?” She begged.

“Okay. He has several severe traumatic injuries so please prepare yourself for that.”

“What happened to him?”

“Some Type of animal attacked him in the old mansion and pushed him out the upper story window, fracturing his spine and neck which most likely left him paralyzed and vulnerable. His throat and heart were then ripped out.”

“Peter.” Bri said darkly. He was going to pay for his betrayal. She would make sure of that.

“I mean that’s the most logical conclusion but after all Roman did for that little degenerate, ” Blitzky muttered.

Bri nodded solemnly.

“Hate to interrupt your happy little party but we have several forms that need immediate attention, to get this shit show back on the road,” Edwards interjected.

“They’ll have to wait till after I see Roman. You lead the way Blitzkey, you two stay here.” She said firmly stepping into the elevator with the doctor. Both lawyers looked furious but did as they were told since they were honestly intimidated by this young woman that had all this piled on her, and seemed unfazed.

As soon as the doors closed she sank to her knees and screamed. The tears came flooding out of her eyes as her body was wracked by sobs. It’s like she’d been hit by a truck. The realization that Roman was really gone finally sinking in.

Blitzky didn’t know what he should do. He was a genius, but completely clueless when it came to social and interpersonal skills. He hesitantly patted Bri on the head like a golden retriever, unsure how long was comforting so he just kept doing it. “You’re strong.”

Bri glanced up at Blitzky through her foggy tears and couldn't help but agree. She WAS strong.

The elevator opened to their floor as she looked down at the floor.

“Well” Blitzkey peeped, unsure of what to do, “this is it.”

“We have to fix him Blitzkey. There’s got to be a way.” she said rising to her feet, as if the little display he just witnessed never happened.

“You’re the boss.” Blitzky said as cheerful as he could muster.

“I’m giving you Pryce’s position. I trust you.”

“Thank you! I wasn't sure if maybe you'd want to take charge.... What will you do? Take over for Roman?”

“Until I can bring him back, I guess I’ll have to. I will bring him back Blitzkey.... If I have to make a deal with the Devil himself.” Bri stated adamantly before setting off down the hall like a woman possessed.

#my writing

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unproduciblesmackdown · 5 years

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it’s 7am and for no especial reason im gonna throw out “bat boy” numbers that really go off which is, really all of them, but still, might as well share my wisdom

a) COMFORT AND JOY: obviously!!!!! THE song. it is seriously like, wow. the drama. and its Such a jam. what haven’t i already said to endorse it? cuz i’ll say some more.

b) SHOW YOU A THING OR TWO: automatically gets second spot b/c its second most likely to be in my head. it’s all “i’ll show you a thing or two, second verse with these-two-notes [two-notes]” and i do a little dance for those two-notes. and the lyrics “you’ll soon complete it—but, wait! ((??)) don’t eat it ((oh))” will loop thru my brain like fifteen times. lot of Musical Style variation in this whole show and this ones got like, a highstepping chorus line theme & thats a delight. and lots of incredible lyrics too, like this song’s “but now say howdy to a summa cum laude.” oh wait and i suppose its self explanatory but meredith The Mom and shelley The Daughter are teaching edgar The Bat Boy like, all of general knowledge in a matter of weeks / maybe several months. dr parker The Husband / Vet is tangentially helpful but not really because he sucks. meredith’s patience is v nice. you really have to root for them, except dr parker, because he sucks.

C) CHILDREN, CHILDREN: any ranking order beyond this is basically just me throwing darts w my eyes closed but this is a good third cuz its again that musical variety......this ones like, this 90s-ish movie credits remix echoey chimy synthy thing going on?? but its really a jam too. when the company joins in with the “oooo~shalala” i go BERSERK.....and there’s this suddenly punk rockish break in the middle of it. pretty great. what’s going on is that, as edgar and shelley are fleeing from Society into nature / the woods to reinvent their notions of humanity, the god of that sort of stuff Pan has shown up with an eden-esque panoply of animals to sing this song to set the mood. obviously.

D) WHATCHA WANNA DO: speaking of punk rockish...this is that? it’s a bit head-tiltingly jarring as its just this number in which one of the local teens who found edgar in the cave shows up to the parkers’ house where he’s currently caged and reacts to him in a Thematic Microcosm of what will be others’ reactions, aka to reflect a like, lack of inhibition re sex and mostly violence back at his feral nature and perceived inhumanity. one of the stranger numbers in a weird musical, but still a jam, see: punk rockish

E) A JOYFUL NOISE (REPRISE): end the musical here and everythings fine! just a real short one but a lot of fun because of what i just said. edgar goes to the local revival to beg the townspeople’s and preacher’s acceptance, and they give it to him. yet more musical style variety and a shoutout to this exchange

F) THREE BEDROOM HOUSE: send the musical in a different direction in the middle of this and everything could still be fine. this is a fun boppish number kinda reflecting elements of “show you a thing or two” musically, which i suppose is since its again mostly about meredith having decided that they can make this mess of a situation work. that mess being that, edgar Was accepted by the town but actually her husband killed a local teen and then showed up and blamed it on edgar & implied the mysterious plague upon their cows was edgar’s fault too and edgar’s run off into the woods. then this one is followed by children, children. i could go in order but its chaos rules only!!! the amount of fun energy in this song is frankly great and its like hell yeah meredith!!!!! hell yeah hock this stupid ring!!! kill your husband!! or whatever. js

G) CHRISTIAN CHARITY: god this one is fun idk......also self explanatory imo. local teens have found a cave cryptid, now the sheriff has him, he’s dragged him into the house where the local vet lives and is just p much casually dumping said cryptid on them, which is funny. there’s Musical Themes here repeated w some of the townspeople’s numbers & set up for comfort and joy....what really gets me is the sheriff’s part that starts abt a minute into the number where it’s like, this really neat almost-lilting musical phrase in the key of i don’t know, but its cool. i like it

H) INSIDE YOUR HEART: man, this one’s got this like, p simple musical Theme in there that’s just like, that’s all you need really. sort of like, the classic ballad duet type of song now. but also sort of cutting its own drama, b/c the musicals like, tragicomic and all. like edgar has this whole swelling “oh god this curséd existence you have to leave me” declaration and then immediately you get shelley’s matter of fact “...no.” even tho its a bit Meta Humorous like that, frankly its still a pretty great straightforward and sweet number which im sure a lot of musicàl love songs Wish they could be, which is just made more Smh by the fact that a) it’s about shelley trying to convince edgar its okay to drink her blood and b) because right after it ends meredith shows up to belatedly inform them that they’re half siblings. shits a wild ride.

I) A HOME FOR YOU: careening back to the beginning....this one is also less like, oh shit im gonna dance along, more of a subdued and quiet number, but its a nice solo of meredith’s and p sweet but not in a way like Inside Your Heart where its gonna get immediately wrecked. instead its one of the more grounded songs where she’s just telling the feral bat teen now in her house that maybe he can like, belong somewhere. it also has the Additional Depth not yet revealed in the plot that meredith is aware that edgar is her own child whom she had previously presumed dead. and this song is also Significant in that it’s Reprised when edgar realizes he might actually be fully human (he’s not) and is eager to go to the town’s upcoming revival and win their acceptance; and its Musical Theme is briefly reprised in “apology to a cow” when edgar is at the total opposite end of things, having been turned on by the town thx to the betrayal of his evil stepdad, and then having his and shelley’s attempt to forsake the need for social acceptance in the first place Also Wrecked by their mom telling them she’s their mom, so then he’s just mad at everything and murders a cow b/c he feels the only thing left is to embrace their idea of him as a killer monster, and he Reprises the a home for you theme as he swears to kill both meredith and dr parker, which he doesn’t, although they do Die around him. whoops. wanna @ will roland and be like “hey can you sing this one single line from Apology For A Cow?? cuz its rly cool and honestly a lot of these songs make me sure that wroland’s version of this material what with his voice and acting and how dramatically that production seemed to treat the outlandishness in general all means i’d fucking go ballistic and i wanna hear ‘this face will be the last thing that you ever see’ cuz that key change and that like, rise and fall at the end,,,,OOF,,,”

J) I IMAGINE YOU’RE UPSET: just round it off by slapping this climactic song right down. it’s a lot. dramatic again but also kinda fun...ish......i mean its the “everythings gone to shit and lets bring everyone together for peak disaster” so how much fun can be had? yet the quick exchange of “i smell [...] her sweat” “oh my god” whole town: “JESUS!!” and the sheriff singing “im sorry your life’s a sham” like hfvlmao thanks dude. but there’s all the clashes of characters’ built-up emotions and edgar is over here covered in blood and demanding to be killed while the town is like YEAH but all meredith’s lines are especially bittersweet and honestly like its a weird absurd story obviously and we’re all here to be ourselves and have fun but the story does make me bummed cuz of thinking about it all as “okay, yeah, but if you treat it earnestly,,,,Sad” like man you hearken back to three bedroom house and how meredith is determined to see it all be okay and really like just wants to live with her kids somewhere safe and NOT with her crap husband who’s been ruining everything the whole time for once. and then she’s here caught between the final confrontation of the Dramatic Foils that are edgar and dr parker and in general everything is a bit too late. ugh. lot of Dramatic Exchanges here and musical theme reprises!! that’s the good shit. and then the song ends on dr parker’s sort of ominous yet resigned-ish “are you hungry edgar” (shoutout to comfort and joy!!) after which he cuts his own throat, and, just like in comfort and joy, (and sort of like just prior to comfort and joy, when edgar reflexively defended meredith from dr parkers Violent Behavior) when he presents edgar w the fresh blood edgar automatically Attacks, wherein dr parker takes the chance to stab him, and inadvertently stabs meredith when she tries to shield edgar, and they all three die w edgar bleeding-outly refuting his humanity to shelley, and then there’s the final number where everyone’s like wow that was some shit. but ACTUALLY there is also this one specific detail i’d be desperate to see from the nyu steinhardt version, which is that after they all die and there’s that Breathless Moment, the Man From The Institute who the sheriff had called earlier to deal with edgar Rushes In and sort of beholds the whole town gathered staring at these three bodies and maybe a cow’s head off to the side, and one of the townspeople just goes “...you’re late.” and i am so certain that this line is HghhfGH-wheeze-laugh worthy; but the performance i saw they did NOT do the timing right!!! they said it like right off whereas what you need to do is hold the pause at least three full seconds!! and then go: You’re Late. i’m adamant about this. so much of Landing The Delivery is timing!! anyways. god. press f. anyways. it’s now 9 am. thanks and good morning. basically saying that the whole soundtrack is basically pretty great and really will roland has doomed me to actually be invested in this weird story, b/c its the ol magical realism comedic-framed wild obviously-that-would-never-happen plot, but, still, you’ve got this teen trying his best and it COULD all be fine actually but it all goes to shit b/c nobody killed dr parker in time really. well i’d just like to conclude by saying it’s raining and that’s great b/c i love when it’s raining

#long post ///#but a great and essential post //:/#february 2011 nyu steinhardt players club bat boy production starring will roland #like i WISH bc i wish we had that productions versions of all these songs!!! and the whole thing rly!!!! help me william spinnato!!!!

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akalegos · 5 years

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Could you tell us a little about your characters?

Y E S !

but due to me having at least over a thousand characters I’ll just give a quick summary of the 25 I manage to dig up over 3 sketchbooks.

Y’all can pick and choose which of them interest yall or who you wanna hear more about!

Also because I’m extra, I made sketch icons for the 25 characters, info under the cut

I’ll talk a bit more about my actual Original Characters first, starting with

Aiko! Otherwise known as Echo

- A marked individual in a steampunk world that gets mixed with magic, because I like both of those things

- Echo runs an underground lab that does helps the underground world with replacing body parts, illegal surgeries etc etc

- Even though she marked, which puts a bounty on her head already, she is well respected by the community for not cheating for your money, stealing your cash, or shanking/killing you mid-surgery

- however, Echo does long for adventure and sometimes do get bored in the lab

oh yeah,, Echo like stealing eyeballs, so if you’re low on cash and wouldn’t mind losing an eye, you know who to call!!

Bonus:

Here’s Echo’s boring, undeveloped sidekick!! I don’t like her and I don’t know how to make her better. Yes, she doesn’t have a name.

here’s my god playboy that left “heaven” due to having an early mid-life crisis, I call him God boi cause;

- He goes by many names!

tbh, he’s probably the closest character I have to being genderfluid/-neutral? I’m not sure,,

- The god has many powers, from lightning to shapeshifting

- The shapeshifting part allows him to change every part of himself, allowing him to change depending on his situation.

- God boyo, or originally Aristide, is obsessed with the idea of perfection. A god should be perfect, if a god is out of line, he is no god.

- Same goes for him, which means whenever something is wrong with him, it affects him, extremely

However, leaving the land of gods to live among humans aren’t all perks

- Aris isn’t immune to diseases or injuries. In fact, he actually fell down and died on impact when he came to earth, being reborn into another child immediately.

- He doesn’t gain his memories back automatically tho!! He has to have a major shock to the brain in order for him to remember his previous lives

- Sometimes the shock isn’t enough either, when you have a thousand over lives, you won’t remember every single one of them. So forgotten lovers coming back to haunt because your brain hates you? That’s everyday for him!

i just,, i like playing with the concepts of god,,

Up next we got Ayeka Himura! A japanese student going to a neighborhood, but still a pretty good, school living close to poverty due to her father’s constant spending habits and obsession with art supplies. With the household lacking a mother due to wacky shenanigans, Ayeka takes care of her two younger siblings and the house, all while maintaining a very well-paid job and slowly loosing interest in actually studying for a good, honest job.

also she likes birds!!

Yes her design is heavily “based” off Toga but I love her current design too much to change it, h e l p

So like,, I suck at chinese and I made ocs that exclusively spoke in chinese to help with that but I’m still stuck at 40~marks

I forgot his scar but remembered his earring i hate myself

my og chinese kiddo! he was was first to come and I love his design ever since

he radiates fuck you energy except the girl below. He’s neighbors with her and they acknowledge each other existence ever since. he has a dumb cliche crush on her and is a bit protective of her because nothing says having issues than latching onto someone that makes you happy

Only this girl got named!! even tho she was the second character.

Li Shen, yes she doesnt have a surname, is apparently main ho now, according to my old oc chart of my “main” ocs

She’s the group’s resident sweetheart and really does not want you to do stupid shit, stop doing stupid shit. She tutors my son up there ^^ even though he’s actually smart and just refuses to do his work properly. But she still deeply cares for him.

As well as the girl below shdifhd

the last girl of the ching chong trio and the reason I had to switch up my son’s design is this girly over here! Her design was too business-y and formal so I enrolled all of them into college. A rich girl who doesn’t know how to deal with her g a y thoughts. Tried sending Li Shen some flowers once. She didn’t realize attaching her name would be a good idea and son got a good laugh.

i like paranormal stuff so they apparently look into that shit in their spare time. They’re all actually really fun characters to do prompts with I swear!! send some in and I’ll write them

I had a previous concept for son and Li Shen before last girl came and if yall want me to talk about it,,, i found my sketchbook with the old ideas,,

NEXT UP IS MY OLD GIRL ELORA!!

Elora herself used to be a fan character but I pulled her out and wow\

cant fucking believe she used to be straight for Vylad

shes the outgoing, fun adventure type! bit of mommy issues here and there tho,, I don’t want to say too much since I have an entire for her +

her now upgraded bro, Vincent

i really like the name vincent,,

also now he has mommy issues

Ead, the knight who used to have armor

I hate drawing armor

he also have issues

AND IRIS MY SWEET GIRL IM SO SORRY

she doesnt have that much issues tho

basically I made elora and her bro have mommy issues, I’m sorry in advance if that spoils anything

I, sometimes, post about these 4 over on @eloradiesismydocsname and its a gay ol’ time

not that gay tho because uhh,, medieval times,, but I need prompts for a modern au of them and I am happy to talk about their personalities and even go semi in-depth for any of them!!

here we have ghoster.png,, which is her file name cause I didn’t name her,,

A horror enthusiast + film student that goes to a supposedly haunted shack to film her upcoming project with the boys. wacky shenanigans occur and the boys left leaving ghoster here to starve and eventually fall to her death. But because it’s my oc i get to bring her back from the dead, now hungry as ever and will fucking eat you, its not a kink thing, shes just that hungry and angry

tax fraud.png

a robo girl that i created during social studies cause they were talking about taxes and i just went, “what if,, a robo runs on taxes,,, and like,, she haunts you down for not paying your taxes,,” thus she was born! I don’t know what to name her but she is set in the future so-

Time to go future-apocalypse style because I love that setting too and was upset that I didn’t have any ocs in that style. So I created Alex A. ! A cybrog filled with memories of the previous generations as a sad attempt to preserve human life.

He’s accompanied by his sister/cousin idr i didn’t draw an icon for her, didnt like her design. they go on a hunt for food and to return with nothing. She gets to meet this other dude who has a plant arm im pretty sure i based him off someone’s elses oc but i cant remember. The 3 are forgotten. Kinda want to bring them back tho.

Neon! A character set in the future utopia of lazy people, where gamers rise up. its the best I can describe her story without getting too deep. She the new hacker on the block, joining the underground gang of elite hackers. She’s another one of those wacky characters that just has fun. I mean, when you know your way around codes and the world you live in is full of it, would you not take advantage of that?

as for fan characters,, uhh,, i have em

STARTING WITH MY WIFE!

Alexzandra Zara oh my god i forgot to draw her necklace and shirt

anyways,, Alexzandra is one of the more older ocs I have that didnt get a big revamp. Only an au I develop to the point I forgot the actual shows and the original cast are a little different from the source haha what? She’s the emotionally unstable german war veteran, yes the wife thing isn’t mutual, and haha shes only 27~. I cling onto her so much?? She’s hits a lot of “edgy” points but I still love her cause idk,, the story I made for her is something I hold dear cause Alexzandra was one of my first ACTUALLY DEVELOPED CHARACTER. Is it wrong to say I hold her really close to my heart? Is that weird? probably a little cringy sorry haha. I probably project a little into her which might have strengthened my love for her ack. Her story delves more into the depression very unstable needs to talk to someone side and i get scared talking about my wife’s story online so uhh, idk ask me specific questions about her, I’ll be more inclined to talk.

Dr Watts! The spoiled ass dick that stole dst Wilson’s house and yes this is a dst oc, yes im slightly sorry.

He’s just fun?? almost ran a blog with him and a friend’s oc. He’s your typical uptight old science gramps that took advantage of the fact that no one knows his real name that he calls himself a doc. He’s not. I put everything about him up to a 9-10? He’s one of those wacky characters and I love him for it! His story is really wonky tho so might need help solidifying that part

and from the angry old man to my sweet man that will adopt you even if you’re noisy or call him ginger. Pilot here is a TF2 OC I made to interact with other tf2 OCs cause some of them are fun and i wanna join in :((

He’s the Canadian stereotype, and yes, he adopted scout, that was one of my character notes.

Like the actual cast of tf2, there’s barely any real story to him. I only gave him a vague I don’t know my past but hey, i fly really really well. He participated in war unlike certain men but he’s still really nice and will only kill you if you hurt his family. Which he doesn’t know so he just considers the cast his family. He keeps mentioning a wife though, pretty sure he doesn’t have one but you do what makes you happy son.

Ai! an oc I HEAVILY revamped oh my god i hate her old vers. So if yall remember my random shouting of missing my og son, Aru. Here’s his bff. cause he barely has any actual friends that give a shit. And I just cant have that. but here’s your yandere revamped into a last minute addition. I actually feel like I did Ai a lot of justice. I don’t want to delve too deep cause I will start making charts. I’ll do that in a separate post if yall are keen

Isamu Aena! a mp100 oc I made by accident cause idk,, I was thinking about lolita fashion and all of a sudden, the actual oc I was going to make turned into a mob psycho oc. She’s one of my few ocs where her sexuality matters (she’s gay yeah) cause it plays a role in her storyline. She went from being “manipulated”/used to Mob’s wingwomen. She spots out things that can help him in the romantic department cause she’s into romance. A student of the school Mob infiltrated and a fantastic tailor, not to mention a pretty decent pyschic. wait where do models get their lolita stuff from,,

im gonna ignore that and move onto Lillian Yi! Who, i swear i did not meant for it, is very close to lloyd. I mean,, none of the ninjas were with him after s3, who you think he’d meet. Lillian is a survivor from the Great Devourour and yes I’m still pissed LEGO stole my backstory for Lillian to use for Harumi. FUCK YOU LEGO, i still love both of em tho,, The event did leave a big scar and it made Lillian job jumping for a bit, ending at Chen’s Noodles in S6~, where ya know,, stuff got better. She was a medalist for gymnastics and continue the activity, even after her parents’ death, to please others. She was already lost at the time so staying in the sport would help, right? Needless to say, after being rejected at a cop academy for youths, or something similar, she gave up for a while but got back into the idea of saving people by using her skills she already had. It helped with the weight and feelings and meeting the green ninja was a very big bonus. Also Lloyd dubbed her the “mysterious stranger” when she refused to speak in fear of her identity, slight shame, and maybe a bit of being star struck. It helped Lloyd too in a sense where he had something to distract him from Zane’s passing.

Their relationship was eventually formed, strong and almost unbreakable, except for harumi but uhh thats a different story. Throughout the seasons, they stayed close and lloyd was always comforted by Lillian went times get ruff.

Also Lillian is my most light-hearted characters and I think that says a lot

Then there’s Nite “I don’t want to be your dad”. A character that is supposed to be in the ninjago world but barely interacts with the main story and only stays in his self contained plot. He was supposed to get a bf but uhhh idk. He’s the master of shifting and streams that online, taking out small crimes, and is actually really shy and doesn’t like interacting with people.

also haha fortnite

Nora Akino, the sin of despair! its an ad thing, I think. She speaks only in a foreign language that only Odin understands and is either big gay for Ava or Maggi, she can’t pick. And yes she did drink the vial, when TITAN attacks your planet and you accidentally die, how else can you meet your family again? also my grandpa walked in and said she looks like royalty. cool-

she wouldn’t leave my hand for like,, 3 days or something

Petri, a fellow troublemaker at camp campbell’s music camp. She managed to pick the camp because apparently a parent who doesn’t acknowledge your hard work don’t read the fine print! Please let David adopt her,,

LASTLY! Yukimaru Atsuko, hero name; Gummie. She goes by Yuki and is a big dick. She’s a studious student but gets more thrills on the actual battlefield. Living with her uptight grandma and her big bottom energy bro, she has the dom energy thing going. and apparently folks on G+, or the people who comment about her, thinks she’s really pretty, which was oddly a thing back before UA. She’s the dick you can like, not like Bakugou but she will definitely want to fight Bakugou.

A gum-related quirk is not full of perks when its only your hands. I’d dive more into her like her insecurities and stuff but I’ve been here for probably 3hrs. Sorry anon.

Also I’m so sorry to anyone who reads this all the way through.

#not an ask #bkanvas' ocs #ocs

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specsnsarcasm · 6 years

Text

The Affair - “402″

Watching "The Affair":

Cole

Oooooh! Tension! Something must have just gone down btw Noah and Cole. Tbc...

Can I just say how extremely happy it makes me that the kid from Noah's story (Anton) is on their “guy's trip” to find Alison? I'm way happier than I should be! Lol. I guess it's because it kind of means he's not being used as a prop in just one story, but is one of the gang?

It's a "Cole" episode! (Yay!)

Grandpa? Who tf is he calling "grandpa"? This dude looks like a straight-up villain from an 80's movie, and about 40 himself. Ppl in glass houses...

Omg, the scene with the police officer was so tense! I hate that some people get to use their privilege to get out of these types of situations. Cuz it sure as hell doesn’t work for everyone. 👀👀👀

Aw, Catalina is so cute and bashful when speaking Mandarin!

JJ is left handed (twinsies!)

So here's my problem with last season: EVERYTHING ended up in sex. PTSD/Depression? Sex. Drug addiction? Sex. A damn cold? Sure! Sex it on up! It led characters to end up in bed together again, which felt inauthentic and rather insulting. Look — I get that people have sex. (Couldn't be me, but I hear tell...lol). I get that it can be comforting. But not every scenario calls for it. Especially not the urgent 'I need you now', banging on the kitchen counter kind. Sometimes when people are feeling vulnerable or want to be close, non-sexual forms of intimacy are enough!

Oh, no. Cole, baby, don't do it! Don't get drunk and belligerent and make a scene.

*Phew* crisis averted.

You hate wearing a suit and tie? Awww, poor baby. (Grow the f^ck up!)

Oh, NO! He did NOT just say that to his wife. Boi! if you don't-

Luiza’s speech about the fear and helplessness of being undocumented is absolutely heartbreaking! And this is happening to so many people in the U.S. right now! Sadly, with the current... political climate (*SIGH*) it's only going to get worse. Immigration reform now.

Girl, I said the same thing about him whining about the tie. Tell him!

Holy sh*t! Is that guy on the beach just casually smoking crack? Cuz...

Aw, poor baby. You wanna be 20 and a free spirit, and smoke weed and drink beer on the beach, and f^ck that cute blonde chick and have no responsibilities? Too. fucking. bad. You have a wife. A kid. And a business. You are 40!!! I reiterate: GROW. THE FUCK. UP. (So help me, Pacey Cole! Do NOT make me dislike you!)

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA they drew on his face! They robbed him too? Man, those guys are dicks! The way they were talking, they’ll probably jack his rare surfbordt too!

(Rubbing alcohol to remove permanent marker, dude! Not soap and water!)

I’m glad they’re laughing about gun violence. HA. HA. HA. Wouldn’t it be wild if she accidentally shot him rn? Cuz lulz, amIright? (What was he really going to do tho, I ask you!?)

It irritates me that both Noah AND Cole's version of Alison is a flighty, spacey, hippy chick, decorating the scene (like a manic pixie dream girl). She carries profound sadness, depth and has her own life. This illustrates how men often don't see women as complex, independently-motivated beings.

Alison

Oooooh! He touched her shoulder! (*tee hee*)

Yo! Dude got his head smashed tf in! Wasn’t that a little excessive? I mean- sure, he's a creep, but the guy lost his kid and is suffering from PTSD.

Great. Is Alison going to fall in love with her "saviour" now?

Wait- how did the guy get in, anyway? I thought the husband locked the door?

What did Alison’s patient hope to achieve by telling her husband what Alison said, if she had no intention of leaving him? And then she has the nerve to look all wounded at Alison as though she’s betrayed her trust!??!? Girlfriend just got choked tf out! Your husband is going through some things but at some point, you have to be real!

Ben seems pretty healthy, mature and stable. Or at least trying (pretty cute too).

Cole, Noah, and this new guy? Alison? lol. Okay. 👀��. Meanwhile, me: over here, single AF!

The way Jodie said “yes” to leaving the car light on reminds me of that fire-starting girl.

Dang, Ben Cruz! The way he asked her out was really smooth! Points! (Although, Skype? Really?)

Thoughts:

It’s interesting that in Cole’s version of events, the “kids” from the beach made him look like an old man when they drew on his face, whereas in Alison’s version, it was dicks and glasses and whiskers or whatever. It emphasizes that the “grandpa” comment and Cole's fears about getting older, and not wanting to become part of the establishment, are what resonated most with him. Also, it’s *really* cool that they took the time to make two different versions of the face marker. The show does this quite a bit. Attention to detail is what makes it so good!

Next week preview: Oh no! Dr. Vik seems really sick! Like... the kind of sick you don’t get better from. HO-BOY!

#the affair #the affair showtime #402 #the affair 402 #spoilers #joshua jackson #alison bailey #cole lockhart #my tv review of

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bigbrothermonopoly · 4 years

Text

EPISODE 2:

HOH: KRISTINE

EVICTED: NICKY (WALKED)

JESS:

Kristine being in power scares me shitless. I know I haven't exactly been the MOST social person in this game and I've been very UTR the last couple of days/ non existent but I always felt like I was good with Kristine. I don't know? I thought we talked a good bit at least in comparison to others.... but then after she won I called her the HBIC and homegirl told me she loved my ass kissing. That HOHITIS is real with this one ladies. I offered up my services as a potential person to work with moving forward and she ignored my offer. She literally swerved me. Straight up IGNORED me and focused on what I said about not being social. So there is a good chance I'm going up and if I don't go up it isn't because Kristine doesn't want it.. it'll probably be because others don't want it. At least I hope? I'm trying NOT to go into crisis mode on the second HOH but... old habits die hard? I think that's the quote? I think if I had to write a "trust list" for this game.. honestly.. I'm feeling really good about Kori. I THINK we could go far together and we'd balance out each other well. Obviously he's a good player and I'm going to need that on my side moving forward. Eve is obviously my #1 right now but it'd be naive on me not to believe that others aren't saying the same about her. I really like Andrew but we don't talk game? But I guess I can improve on that? Those are the 3 people I'm vibing with right now.

KORI:

Ok so at this point I'm not entirely sure if I made a DR entry earlier or not, I planned on making a video but at this point it'd just get too long. Rehder going unanimously is STILL a meme to me but here we are. Kristine winning HoH was honestly alright for me because I feel like she and I have a reasonably good relationship. Though I'm not sure it could ever be something long term because she's likely working with people I have no desire to work with. (Dem, Chris, Brien, those guys.) Emma and I had a serious talk about long term what we wanna do about Eve since we seem pretty in agreement that the current dynamic is Jess and Mackenzie are Eve's Top 2 Bitches, and we're like probably the Bottom 2 Bitches. Personally I think the best time for Eve to go is like F7ish but obviously we need more time for things to progress to see where we sit. I think longterm the Mandela Monocles are a better alliance for me since I think I could sit next to Austin OR Silence and win. I just can't sit next to Gwen who I really think just has a better personality than me. With Kristine nominating Madison it... isn't really ideal for me, but Madison is also pretty isolated at this point. While we have that Mitten Connection, if she is lacking any connection with others in this game I can't go dragging my feet for her... That being said, I think eliminating Nicky this round, would not be like... the WORST thing ever. It'd just be a question of convincing Gwen that it's a good idea. Though the harder thing would be convincing others that keeping Madison is a good idea. While I like her, I'm not sure it's in my best interest to leave tracks trying to keep her in the game. Obviously it's gonna depend on how Veto goes, if noms stay the same I might push a little for a Nicky boot and see what happens, but if it's not gonna happen I'll just cut my losses. (Though with Nicky doing his thing he seems likely to dig his own grave.)

AUSTIN:

I am feeling very comfortable this week. I’m in the power trap alliance with Chris, Kristine, Dem, and Emma. I’m also in the Mandela Monocles alliance with Gwen, Silence, and Kori. Kristine is currently HoH so I don’t think she will put me on the block. I have suspicions that Emma is working with Eve because when we were playing the HoH competition, Emma refused to take Eve out. I’m just glad that one of my alliances is in power.

KRISTINE:

Love the alliance. So happy I won HOH and got to be in power. The veto comp didn’t go as well as planned tbh. I’m sooo upset that I didn’t do as well as I wanted I was up at 200 something and then lost it all over a very stupid roll. But it’s fine whether I win this or not I know I’ll get my way. Nicky is going home, let’s just hope he doesn’t win HOH. Don’t ever argue with the HOH when you’re the one on the block LOL!!!

NICKY:

CAN I LIVE? Can i fucking live? there are 16 other people in this and yet i got nommed for a stupid reason yet again.

WILLIAM:

I'm so glad I escaped this week without being nominated!!! I feel so much better this week than last week! At the end of last week I thought for sure I was gonna leave pre-jury but now I feel like I've made so many real connections and I feel like I am in a great spot with many people

ANDREW:

episode 2 This could be super naive of me to say and a little cocky and i know it 100% IS but i feel like almost everyone in this game loves me besides nicky, i think im just playing a really good social game im scared of eve for some reason i feel like she is the only person possibly playing a better game than me. just get those competitive af vibes from her, i will not go after her unless she comes for me doe. shes super cute tho love her vibes, and I think me and Jess formed and alliance just now As of now Austin Jess and Chris are my top 3 in that order Update: I love Eve, we had an emotional heart to heart about STUFF, ill never forget it and i appreciate her for it so much, even if we don't end up being on the same side in this game together, the bitch is dope. I fucking love these noms dude, my 2 least favorite people sittingpretty on the block and i had nothing to do with it. HORNY cuz they wont even be coming for me. I hope nicky fucking bombs veto. "i cant talk to all 16 of u at once" ya....nobody fuckin asked you too but kristines point is sometimes a simple HELLO can save u from being nominated But regardless im proud of her and her tatse. * has one mixed drink and suddenly wants to fight nicky for no reason * oops i apologized to him and i didn’t even read anything from last night after what i said bc embarrassment. idc if he accept my apology, just wanted to throw it out there so i don’t look like a total douche

CHRIS:

Well week Number two and I’m in two separate alliances, have House majority, close with a few women, beyond the game have final choose with multiple people, should not be on the block for a long time, while slowly running this game behind the scenes with Myself. This backseat life is the best life

GWEN:

Hiiii. So looks like Nicky is going home tonight. He kind of dug his own grave. He was such a party pooper during our house game on Friday. Sooo. Yeah. I’m closest with Kori and Chris - getting closer to Chris for sure. What is it with me and Chris’s in ORGs? I need to get back to work. That is all for now :)

MACKENZIE:

i really gotta uhhhhh try harder bc i feel on the lowest end of the Entire Totem Pole. i feel like if i won smthn that would change but i’m a flop so

DEM:

I actually would have kept Nicky if he had the numbers. I wish he didn't quit. I think he messed up by throwing names around, because some people actually wanted to keep him...

EMMA:

if u cant handle the heat nicky why did u sign up.. quitting is worst then getting evicted.

TAWNI:

Ok since I was out of it last round time for my cast assessment now. Since this was due prior to Nicky quitting I’ll include him Nicky - I forgot he existed week one. Actually sad he quit and was gonna leave cause he was entertaining arguing with Kristine Gwen - I love Gwen. She allows me to not be the official grandma of the game. She is very sociable which is scary. But I think I can trust her. Austin - automatically meh about him cause of his name. Pretty forgettable honestly. Mackenzie - nice gal. Nothing negative to say. Haven’t talked much. Jess - the person I’m most terrified of. When I realized she is THE boojess like fuck me. I’m scared. I feel like as long as I don’t get on her bad side I’m good. William - seems like a good kid. Kristine - I’m v intimidated by her. She won hoh and veto and seems like a very smart player. She makes me nervous. Silence - who???? Brien- ok this kid. I’m doing what I can to get him to trust me. I know he is a loyal person. But am I the person he is loyal to? Or is it someone else? How do I make sure I am that person? Dem - nothing really to say MADISON - I love her sooooooooo much. She’s like the light of my life honestly and if I find out something different I’m gonna cry. Like I feel like a betrayal from her will hurt the most in this game. Andrew - okay first off......damn. I’m aware of his sexual orientation but boy sent me a photo so I could see his tattoos and DAMN!!! I need me a straight one of him. But he is a fun character I like him. Chris - I think I freaked him out when I sent him a long message about how I’m scared of cops. But I didn’t go up week one so that happened. I’m hoping I can work my way into his good graces later. Emma - seems like a sweet gal. I enjoy her. Kori - nothing to say sorry

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hoshyeoms · 7 years

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☆…SHOULD WE KNOW US A LITTLE BETTER TAG…☆

Tagged by: @tuanisanangel !! Thank you, we should totally talk and become friends you seem so cool!! (:

RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people (lol 20, *dr evil voice* riiight)

THE LAST: 1. Drink: Water 2. Phonecall: My little brother!! 3. Text message: @thekoreanguys (currently texting lol) 4. Song you listend to: It was a 4 hour piano loop idk if that counts 5. Time you cried: yesterday (cause of my haircut) 6. Dated someone twice: Never dated anyone 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Yes 8. Been cheated on: No 9. Lost someone special: Yes 10. Been depressed: Yeah, but like I’m okay now??? 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: I don’t drink enough to get to that point

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: periwinkle, yellow, green!

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: Yes, and all of them are sososo great!!

16. Fallen out of love: No?

17. Laughed until you cried: At least once a day

18. Found out someone was talking about you: Yeah, but like it doesn’t affect me anymore. People talk, you just can’t give them the ears to listen.

19. Met someone who changed you: Yes!!

20. Found out who your friends are: Kinda

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: NOT THIS YEAR THANK GOODNESS

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: idk man, I haven’t been on facebook seriously in a while. I use it to play bingo and look at memes.

23. Do you have ans pets: 2 corgis!!

24. Do you want to change your name: If I do, I’d lose my coolness

25. What did you do for your last Birthday: Dad and I drove almost 2 hours for Korean BBQ, then another 20 minutes for ice cream, and then came home and I had to eat cake too. My stomach hurt like all night.

26. What time did you wake up: Depends what time I have to work, or if I have the day off and have plans. If I’m just going to the library for the day, probably 9ish

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Watching “no mercy”

28. Name something you can’t wait for: Wednesday!! I leave for VidCon at 4am

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: 2 years ago, but I’m seeing her in July. (but I’m not really excited about it cause she’s not always treated me the best)

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I spent so much time in my life trying to change myself to be what others wanted, if I really could change anything it would be nothing. I am p cool the way I am, I very much enjoy being a bit bigger, being weird, and just different. I am one cool cat *finger guns w clicking sounds* and if I was any different, I wouldn’t be me!

31. What are you listening right now: My humidifier is buzzing cause I just woke up

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yes!! He was one of my mom’s good friends, and always really funny!

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: I mean, little things annoy me as someone who lives in a very close minded area, but I can’t say that anything really gets on my nerves anymore. I’m pretty laid back about a lot of things.

34. Most visited Website: YouTube

35/36/37: N/A

38. Haircolor: Brown and Red with like brassy bleach on the ends from when I tried to dye my hair in college lol

39. Long or short hair: Long, but it’s short now and I’m so sad about it

40. Do you have a crush on someone: I mean figuratively yes, but physically no

41. What do you like about yourself: I’m cute as frick

42. Piercings: Ears and Nose, looking into more but I’m broke

43. Bloodtype: O positive

44. Nickname: Chlo, Chipotle, Van Momma, Moscato Mommy (omg only tia is allowed to call me this tho), My little sister calls me QuackQuack (cause she couldn’t say my name for so long), ChoweyHAY, I have so many I can never think of them all

45. Relationship status: Constantly Eating (single)

46. Zodiac: Gemini

47. Pronouns: She/Her

48. Favorite TV Show: Game of Thrones (cause it’s the only tv show I watch lol)

49. Tattoos: Just one on my upper inner arm for now, but I have talked to someone about my next 2!

50. Right or left hand: Right

51. Surgery: Once but like it wasn’t serious

52. Piercing: Ears and Nose

53. Sport: I used to play soccer, I don’t really anymore. But we do go to a lot of matches, also big in Hockey and Baseball!

55. Vacation: Anaheim and Los Angeles for VidCon and to just adventure!

56. Pair of trainers: I have Nike and Adidas I switch between

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: Idk man I love food

58. Drinking: Water usually

59. I’m about to: Go put makeup on for my cousin’s (?) graduation

61. Waiting for: The world to change (;

62. Want: Pizza

63. Get married: Someday in the future for sure

64. Career: I really want to get into film editing

WHICH IS BETTER

65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs! I LOVE the feeling of being wrapped around or having someone wrapped around me. It’s just such a good feeling

66. Lips or eyes: Eyes, they always seem to catch my eye first.

67. Shorter or taller: The whole world is taller than me, so taller!

68. Older or younger: Either or, as long as they treat me right and love me

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: They don’t need either, again just love me and treat me right (also I’m totally a legs girl oops)

71. Sensetive or loud: Sensitive

72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship, get outta here with that one time for the one time bs, love me or don’t.

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant, but troublemakers can be fun to be around sometimes

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: No

75. Drank hard liquor: Yeah dude

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: ALL THE TIME

77. Turned someone down: Not really, no one’s ever confessed to me

78. Sex in the first date: Never

79. Broken someones heart: No

80. Had your heart broken: Yeah, but you gotta have a few heartbreaks in life, it’s cool

81. Been arrested: Never

82. Cried when someone died: Yes

83. Fallen for a friend: Kinda??? But like we only hung out once every few weeks so idk if that counts

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: Of course!! Someone has to, start with yourself and go from there!

85. Miracles: Miracles happen once in awhile, if you believe (god I really hope you guys are catching all of these movie/song references)

86. Love at first sight: If it feels right, sure

87. Santa Claus: Not now, but it’s fun to play it for the smaller kids in my family

88. Kiss in the first date: Again, if it feels right, sure

89. Angels: Yes!

OTHER:

90. Current best friends name: Evie, Courtney, Stela, Doug

91. Eyecolor: Hazel

92. Favorite movie: I watch so many movies man, we’ll just go with *insert generic comic book movie I raved about for a few weeks here*

okayokayokayokay I tag: @tiddieboys @thekoreanguys @imjaebumaf @doublebam1a @yourhopeyourangeeel

#tagged #wooo this was cool #good morning btw lol #about me

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atomickrakatoa · 6 years

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Episode 6 - "It is then that I realize all those years of buying him chicken nuggets has paid off." - Trixie

Colin

OMG NO NOT NIC WHY Literally the only person I actually trusted from the original villains tribe and he's gone fuck. Now I gotta find new allies. I'm gonna start working on Liana more and also talk more to Bryce. He's really nice and we bonded during immunity. I also am gonna keep my ties to the giant Nicholas/Dana/Trixie/blah/blah/blah premade just to keep myself safe. I don't want to go far with them by any means but they're good to keep around because they will keep me safe as long as they can I think. Also fuck Survivor Jeopardy. I love jeopardy but fuck survivor. That is all. Goodnight.

Bryan

Ok so that vote went perfectly! I didn’t have to use my idol. There were no votes cast against me as well! Poor Willa is gonna wake up and think wtf happened. Trixie is now a close ally to me and Christian as well! I’m still keeping my eye on her tho. She is a very good player so I will not be letting my guard down. Hopefully our tribe will win immunity tho!

VL DR: tribal jeopardy is darksided and that is the truth and nothing but the truth

QuilLynn

I villain just got taken out on a tribe with minority heroes, woo! It gives me hope for me and Bryce if we ever have to face a tribal with our tribe. I'm excited for jeopardy, but worried that if I play and lose it for my team (big possibility) I could be in danger, so I might not volunteer to play, but I'm excited to watch either way, I'm sure it's going to be a great comp!

Colin

I haven't found anything useful since I found that senja idol that one time BUT! Your fave gay just found a cute, fashionable, one-of-a-kind accessory! I found this cute ass shell in the east lagoon and I'm gonna wear it as a necklace for the rest the season uwu. It does nothing but look cute. Kinda like me. yeah that just sums up how exciting my game has been the past few rounds. bye.

Nicholas

quillynn von ghina is the WORST DRAG QUEEN EVER!!!

**Senja and Malam win immunity**

Bryan

Well that sure was something huh? Anyways. AAAAHHH THESE LAGOON SEARCHES ARE FINALLY MAKING SENSE! I FIGURED OUT THE ROCKS! I just hope I’m right about the loud noise being the mountain and not something else and having to search for that then.

Bryce

Losing immunity is always rough but we gave it our best shot! Somehow I think Zachary Rae should go home :/ !! But I think my current plan is to work with Quillynn and Nicholas and just survive this round. Me and Quillynn are basically trying to find anyone to be a 3rd and give us majority lol so I hope it will pay off. Ive barely spoken to anyone tho so its awk I didnt even message Liana until yesterday. But I feel confident in surviving a little bit I guess

QuilLynn

So we ended up losing immunity and lbr it was my terrible jeopardy skills that caused that so um yikes!! I think i'm definitely in danger of going home, I'm one of two heroes and I lost the challenge for our tribe also, have never messaged Liana yet so.. thats not good! Nicholas is my friend, but he's also a villain and a snake so putting faith in him to vote to keep me? not a cute look! Also I love Bryce, but I can see him voting me out just to save himself, I mean I hope he wouldn't do it, but I understand that he potentially could. I know I'm going to feel awful if I go home this round and I just really hope that doesn't happen.

Chips

Alright, so we had an auction where I was hoping to win Chips and Dip because it is a reference to my name. And that's cute - also they can be tasty depending on the kind of dip. I like to eat salsa or cheese dip. Not really so much guacamole because usually they mix it with onions and I have super negative reactions to onion like getting migraines and tossing my cookies. They wouldn't let up in bidding all of their money on the chips and dip so I ended up with running shoes instead. I am glad to replace my shoes with the one that were given to me by production because they were getting raggedy with me running around the island looking for stuff... even though I never do. They're raggedy anyway. So the auction was also a trick of sorts where they assigned the items you could win to tribes so that whatever you won equaled a new tribe for a swap. And so I got swapped onto the tribe that I was already inhabiting - making me solidly the role of a hero^2. https://78.media.tumblr.com/7d1a5d1c5e57899b572bc46a1f20d7ce/tumblr_ohi0x1vidX1vn1j1jo3_250.gif Swapping onto my tribe are Zach and Dana! And staying with me are Jay and Kelsey. Here's the rundown of how I feel about this - I'd like to work with Zach or Dana but they are likely already working together and if they weren't then this swap will make it more likely in that they are two villains amongst three heroes. I need to decide whether to try and scoop them up with Jay or Kelsey or to join with Jay and Kelsey in voting one of them off. I'm not sure at the moment which direction I want to go so I'm just socializing with everyone and keeping my options open. https://m.popkey.co/4bc560/QLJpy_s-200x150.gif So the next challenge was the stay up forever challenge where you shoot darts at people and me and Zach were the last standing of our tribe! Which I think hopefully makes me look like a good contributor and worth working in the game with? I dunno - I hope that's true... at any rate we didn't lose and the other tribe did with their player getting bored/tired/accepting their fate. That player was Nic and he got voted out at the following tribal council so it's kind of an awful position for him to be in. I mean, being the last around whenever no one else was there to pull it out for him! Anyway... that's all I have to say about that, because that's all there is. http://31.media.tumblr.com/d5a54fcf6460728f38b397226b628289/tumblr_mmd9ltjQs11r6xbv8o1_250.gif --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Next round we have to play Jeopardy and then Logan did this thing where he scheduled it at times where I can't play so I get to do the fun thing where I can't show up and can't bond with all of my new friends... which is okay, but also sad. We won immunity by blowing the other teams out of the water which is surprising because I swear Jeopardy is usually very close... Hm? At any rate! I love immunity so I don't have to worry about who to vote out! https://media.giphy.com/media/4bWWKmUnn5E4/giphy.gif Guess I need to go back to socializing. Or also search since I still need to use my extra run with my shoes.

Willa

If we lose immunity and Trixie votes me off I've been a victim of cyber bullying

Colin

ok so obv us going to tribal isn't.... ideal.... but Survivor is about adaptability!!! I can make it work. I got a plan. So I think on my tribe I like Bryce the most. I get good vibes from him, he has Dua Lipa as a pfp, whats not to like. SO I wanna set an alliance type thing with him into motion. I think the obvious plan on our tribe is going to be voting out Liana. But I don't wanna do that. She was close to Nic, I was close to Nic, and she makes an excellent goat. Merge is probably in the next 2 or 3 rounds, and having another number around is essential. That leaves two potential targets for me. Quil and Nicholas. This is gonna sound crazy but hear me out. They're part of the huge premade that I mention all the time, and every member of that premade is still in. And merge is comin' soon!! That's gonna be a nearly unstoppable force if it's still intact during the merge. It's too late in the game to take out easy targets. We gotta think bigger!! I'll update y'all as soon as I can xoxo

Later...

okay so y'all know how I can never keep my god damn mouth shut right? WELL THAT JUST ACTUALLY WORKED OUT FOR ME FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. I was talking to Quil about the vote and then??? he brings up the possibility of voting out Nich??? and bitch im SHOOK. So I start talking to him and it turns out he doesn't wanna be associated with that friend group at all and he is 100% down for tearing down the premade. WHEW, this is honestly perfect. It's a backup in case Bryce isn't on board, and if leaves less room for bad blood for when Nicholas is taken out tonight. I'm so so so happy this worked out whew. That's one less premade member for when the merge hits, and one more ally for me. I really respect Quil for being able to play on his own, and I feel like after just that small conversation I trust him a million percent. Tonight is gonna be fun ladies!

Zach

yeah i won immunity.. that's right. all me. im also bitter that my idol i found today was not for my tribe. wtf??? rude! leaving me to DIE WITHOUT TWO IDOLS? what kind of sorcery. anyway i gave it to trixie for obvious reasons, and ideally idk what to do now. i dont trust dana.

Trixie

Trixie’s Almost-Tragic Tribal Council: So once we swapped, I suggested to nic that since villains have majority we should make an alliance, and nic set up a group with willa and i. Then, we lost the challenge and everything went to YIKES.  Willa and nic were saying to vote christian, which was fine by me, except I had a sneaking suspicion that nic was going to flip with the heroes and take me out. I went to willa and he didn’t seem to care/believe me: cue my freakout. I called bryan and he confirmed that nic had went to him with everything, and that I was the target because I had “friends on the other tribes”.   So, I knew immediately I had to call the pest control because we got ourselves a snake problem! I talked to christian and said that nic would be the better vote because he’s super shady, and she agreed. I also dropped some stuff that hopefully she would tell bryan cus I knew they were aligned, like how much i trust him, and how nic is just trying to play both sides.  Moral of the story: anybody with the name and or variant of “nic” is a snake. Bye.

Later...

So i’ve been looking for this idol for DAYS. I got chased by a beastly komodo dragon that kind of looked like dana, except a lot cuter and less flaky scaly skin. Anyway, I was really feeling this idol search desperation last tribal but I managed to flip the target from me to nic. But I almost exhausted all possible searches in the east lagoon and then suddenly, I get a message.  A message from the heavenly gods up in the clouds. I remember it clearly: the sun is a beautiful shining rae, the fluffy white clouds part to reveal an angel descending from the skies, holding the most magical item in the world. I am on the ground, a meekly dumb furby staring up stupidly to the skies, watching this divine being. He gifts me an idol and I know now that the angel is zachary rae. It is then that I realize all those years of buying him chicken nuggets has paid off. Thanks filmy lav you xx.

Kelsey

Well good golly Miss Molly, safety first~! It feels great to have immunity once again on this island. Top ten is slowly and slowly becoming more and more real and...it just...I can't believe I'm so close! Back in the reunion of my old season, I remember Jackson saying he underestimated me and I remember telling him to BUG OFF, but now...now, if this keeps up, I may be a true contender to snatch the crown~! I just have to keep PRAYING that these challenges will rely on those with strong physical acumen because if there are ever one on one face offs again, I'm not too sure that can take me to the end. In terms of voting off hookers, I...am still rather nervous about going to a tribal. I still haven't been able to get Chips and Jay in the same room as each other and time's running short because I can just FEEL we're going to have to vote someone eventually. I could always try and throw my lot with Dana and Zachary, but who's to say those two are on good terms? Even more so, what if there's one of each tribe speaking with another? It would be entirely and utterly scary and...I don't even know where to begin in terms of sifting out who is who. I just hope i make it further, goodness KNOWS I deserve it! And THAT'S all there is to it~! Stream Reputation on Spotify Now! -Kelsey V Mikaelson #TeamIBelieveInYall #TeamBEES

Christian

Thank god trixie won the 5% challenge advantage, because I really wasn't looking forward going to tribal again. I think her and I are pretty solid. So if we did have to attend another tribal, her, Bryan, and I would vote Willa out. I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me lol, unless I'm reading it wrong.

Liana

It took too long to get on a tribe with Chris and I'm tired so I'm probably getting voted out because I'd rather sleep than talk to strangers.

Jay

So Dana and I straight up crush Jeopardy lol we got 3k and the others got 600. Not to brag but im kinda awesome at trivia :)

#zerotohero #confessionals

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