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thetempleofthemasaigoddess · 7 months

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Being a native of Foosha Village and falling for Shanks would involve...

Shanks x reader

Sorry if the timeline is a bit wonky, I wasn't able to determine how long exactly the Red Haired pirates spend on Foosha nor how much time passes between the beginning of Luffy's adventure and him getting a bounty, at least in the Live Action continuity...

*****

🏴‍☠️ Being Foosha's resident doctor, you have known Luffy since he was a baby; he is usually in good health, but sometimes you are called to treat a small wound or a bruise he sustained while he played... or got into trouble as usual. You quickly grow fond of the child, who in turn comes to consider you as a sort of older sister. He routinely eats at your place when the Partys is closed, and you insist he regularly attends the village's school, pointing out even a pirate needs a basic education.

🏴‍☠️ One day you are called to the village's little harbour; a pirate crew has docked that morning, some members of the crew have come down with a sickness they cannot diagnose, and the captain has insisted none of them go ashore lest they infect the villagers. Privately you have your misgivings about their presence, in case your visitors are the sort of people who depredate defenseless villages and indulge in violence and bloodshed for the sheer pleasure of it, but as a doctor you have sworn to assist any person who needs it, so you take your bag, introduce yourself once you have reached the ship, and are admitted on board.

🏴‍☠️ You are quickly brought to the captain, and so you find yourself face to face with Red-Haired Shanks, one of the most famous pirates of the Four Seas... even though he doesn't look particularly glorious at the moment. He explains that the first signs of the sickness appeared three weeks ago, when a few of his men started coughing and complaining of chills even though it was summer, and soon many of them were struck down with the fever that, in the confined spaces of the ship, quickly spread to the whole crew, even though the captain ordered to confine the sick in their quarters... and then to do the same to the healthy ones, to protect them. There had been no one capable to treat the men, since the ship doctor had been killed in a scuffle with another crew two months ago, and since then they had not acquired another yet.

🏴‍☠️ "Not the wisest decision of my life, I know; I should have realized that a doctor is vital for a crew, more than a cook or even a navigator. I thought we would have more time, because we hadn't needed one in more than a year... please, help us." he says; he is lying on his cot, clearly weak and in pain for the fever, but there is an unquestionable, unquenchable energy in his eyes, the desperate fire of his force of will that has led him to become one of the most respected and powerful pirates of the Four Seas, burning as bright as his red hair "I will pay you well, you have my word, and I promise we came to your village to rest for a while and search for help; we don't want to hurt anyone. No, take care of my men first; some of them have been in pain for weeks. Save them, I beg you."

🏴‍☠️ The desperation in his voice, the sincere worry of a captain who deeply cares for the men under his command, would be enough to dispel your qualms, if you had any. You immediately start attending your patients, and are relieved to realize they are suffering from red fever, a technically fatal illness that can nonetheless be quite easily cured, that a few men probably contracted on the last island they visited and then spread to the rest of the crew. The number of patients to treat causes some difficulty, but fortunately Foosha's apothecary is well-stocked with the ingredients you need to prepare the medicine, and Makino and a few other women offer to assist you as nurses. It takes a few days, but soon Shanks and his men are on the road to recovery, the least sick already back to health.

🏴‍☠️ Shanks is immensely relieved for your help, and thanks you profusely; as he promised, he offers to reward you handsomely for your service, and seems impressed when you insist to accept your usual fee and nothing more, plus a compensation for your assistants. "I am a doctor." you simply explain, shrugging your shoulders and sincerely convinced there is nothing heroic, or even just commendable, in what you did "I swore to help whoever needed it, pauper or King, hero or bandit; you and your men were sick, and I could treat you. End of the story." "Nevertheless, I really appreciate your help, doctor; meeting you was a blessing from the Gods." Shanks says; he is back on his feet, his already familiar straw hat on his head, and you find yourself smiling back without realizing. He has a very nice smile. "I was happy to help; and please, call me (name)."

🏴‍☠️ As promised, Shanks and his men create no disturbance in Foosha; rather, they take such a liking to your little village that they decide to stay for a while, to rest before resuming their travels. The villagers quickly grow fond of them, and soon Shanks and his crew become part of your community, as if those men hailing from the four corners of the world had always been there. You are, for obvious reasons, one of the first they come to know, and you learn to appreciate their company... especially the captain's.

🏴‍☠️ Once he and his men no longer need your assistance as doctor, you would have no reason to seek Shanks' company, nor he yours; still, you end up meeting every day or almost, all of it because of (or thanks to, you'll think back later) Luffy. Becoming a pirate has always been your young friend's dream and aspiration, and predictably Shanks, an expert captain and famous corsair, quickly becomes his idol; he follows him around, hanging off his words, begging to know about their travels and adventures, which Shanks is always happy to. Soon your young friend become a sort of mascotte for the pirate crew, a younger brother they all like and are happy to entertain.

🏴‍☠️ You are in the habit of going to the Partys every night, both to relax after work for a drink and spend some time with Luffy, and the pirates have likewise selected the bar as their favourite meeting point, which means that without either of you realizing (or wanting, which doesn't mean you regret it, or even try to avoid it) you and Shanks quickly become acquainted well beyond the simple relationship between a doctor and an one-time patient.

🏴‍☠️ The first opportunity you have to really bond happens during your village's yearly festival: there is music, food, dancing, even a firework display, and the pirates are obviously happy to join the celebration. You are sitting alone in front of a bonfire, having gotten momentarily separated from your friends, looking at the couples dancing as you vaguely reflect on your duties for tomorrow, when suddenly Shanks appears next to you. "You don't like dancing?" he inquires after you have greeted each other, as he slides on the bench next to you, a jug in his hands; you shrug, admitting that you actually do, but you haven't been invited by any of the men present. "Oh! Then they don't know what they're missing." Shanks seriously comments; he drinks a sip from his drink, leaves it on the bench, stands, and offers you hid hand. "Shall we?" he asks. "There is no need, really! You don't have to..." you hurry to explain, and he determinedly shakes his head. "I know I don't have to; but believe it or not, I enjoy dancing, and I am told I am pretty good at it. Come on, it is a night of celebration; let's enjoy it."

🏴‍☠️ You could point out that from what you have seen the pirates don't need a special occasion to revel and have fun, but you gladly accept Shanks' hand and let him lead you to the improvised dancefloor in the village's square. Shanks takes one of your hands in his, gently rests the other on your hip, and a moment later you are moving together in time with the music, and Shanks had not lied, he is actually a very good dancer, and you can't help smiling as you follow his steps, noticing that the red of his hair is even brighter than usual thanks to the light of the bonfire, and his smile brighter still. In the end, the rhythm changes to a slow dance, and Shanks gently circle your waist with an arm, just like all the men around you are doing with their partners. "Is this... all right?" he asks, suddenly uncertain, and you nod, intimately surprised of how all right it is, as you silently rest both of your arms on his shoulders, your hands overlapping behind his head. Another smile passes between you, a smaller, more intimate one; you suddenly feel shy, and giddy, and you wish this moment would never end.

🏴‍☠️ Unfortunately it does, in the end, when Shanks' men reclaim his help for a prank they are pulling; he then takes your hand and kisses the back. "The men of the village don't know what they are missing, you are a very good dancer." he says, and then the other drag him away, and you remain there, suddenly alone, and wondering why you feel so warm in the face, while the party goes on around you. Sleep eludes you that night, and when you finally dream, it is of him, still unsure whether what you are feeling is simply due to the moment of intimacy you shared during your dance... or this is something more lasting, and deep.

🏴‍☠️ You are still thinking about it that night, as you nurse your usual drink at the Partys, so lost in your thoughts Makino asks if you are all right. Before you can answer, "Is this seat taken?" someone asks pointing to the stool next to yours; it is Shanks, smiling at you, and you smile back as you nod, and he asks Makino for some dinner, his leg brushing against yours under the counter as he sits. Once more, you are quietly enjoying each other's company; as he eats, Shanks look at you out of the corner of his eye, and when your gazes meet and you realize, he smiles, not exactly unabashed but still not shy, open in his interest, and it is not the first time a man looks at you, but still, you feel yourself blushing... and, you discover, it is not an unpleasant sensation. Not at all. He asks about your job, and you reciprocate inquiring about a few places he and his crew have visited, and that you have always dreamed of seeing, even though you have never left Dawn Island, and have lived in the village your whole life. You doubt anything you can have to say could be of interest for Shanks, but he seems sincerely taken by your conversation... until his leg touches yours under the counter once more, this time not by accident, and you feel all the blood, and the warmth, of your body rush to your face.

🏴‍☠️ "I have made you uncomfortable. I am sorry." Shanks says after a moment, misinterpreting your silence for discomfort, and you quickly shake your head; you can see Luffy approaching on the street behind him, ready to demand his idol's complete attention, and you hurry to take advantage of the little time you have left. "Not at all. I... I am glad we had a chance to talk. I like it. I... I like talking to you." "And I like talking to you, (name). Really. You are... a really good person."

🏴‍☠️ After a while you decide it is time to go home. "See you tomorrow, Makino." you say as you take your bag and stand, and in a moment, Shanks has done the same. "I'll walk you home." he proposes, more as a request than as an order, and you are suddenly a young girl again, because your heart skips a beat. "But Luffy..." "Luffy is with the others, they can take care of them for a few minutes; there'll be no problem... unless you'd rather go alone, that is."

🏴‍☠️ Two minutes later you are walking side by side along the village's main street; you have slipped your arm under Shanks', his happy smile making you unconcerned about the gossip that will probably spread in the village as soon as someone sees the two of you together. You don't talk much, still enjoying each other's company, but Shanks uses his free arm to return the greeting of a few people who cross your path. "I love this place." he says after a while "The people here are so friendly and kind, I feel I could stay here forever."

🏴‍☠️ Usually a compliment paid to your village would please you; still, those kind words feel like someone had spilled a bucket of cold water on your head. "But you will not, right?" you realize, thinking out loud "You are pirates, the Sea is your home, and a stay in a town or village a simple vacation. You have been here for about two months; you'll probably leave soon, right?"

🏴‍☠️ Shanks' silence, and the touch of guilt in his dark eyes, is answer enough; he tries to meet your gaze, but you avoid him, suddenly feeling the stupidest, naivest woman of the East Sea. After a minute spent looking at your feet you hear Shanks softly calling your name. "I'm fine, don't worry..." "No, I mean... I think we're here, aren't we?" he asks, and your embarrassment deepens when you realize that you had indeed reached your house, and were it not for him you would have walked past it, and kept going until you crossed the whole village. "I'm sorry, I... I am so dumb..." you mumble as you begin searching for the keys in your bag.

🏴‍☠️ Shanks remains silent until he sees you open the door; he is serious, more serious than you've ever seen him, but his eyes are full of sadness. "I am sorry." you repeat, not quite sure what you're apologizing for, and he shakes his head. "I should be the one apologizing." he gently says; you're standing on the doorway, face to face, and you're torn between the impulse of closing the door, sparing yourself another moment of pain... and the desire to take advantage of the little time you have left, and invite Shanks in. You know he'll not decline (... right?), and it'll probably make it harder to say goodbye when he and his men will leave, and you're usually not one to let your feeling dictate your actions, but...

🏴‍☠️ "I better go." Shanks says, sparing you the need to decide, and for a terrible moment you think he means he's leaving Foosha right now, but he simply takes a step back, a sweet and concerned smile on his handsome face. "I am a pirate." he gently says "This is the life I have chosen, and... I will keep living it until there is life left in my body. I am not saying it is always easy, nor that I have never been tempted, but I could never live on land, no matter how... how good the company would be." "I would never ask you to." you assure him; the simple idea of a man who has probably lived a pirate life since he was a boy and has become one of the most notorious captains in the Four Seas, leaving everything behind for you, after having known you for two months, is risible, of course, but still, why can't you help feeling the tiniest bit disappointed? "Your men need you, and being a pirate is in your soul. You could never be happy otherwise, and... I want you to be happy, Shanks."

🏴‍☠️ There is nothing else to say, and after a quiet goodbye Shanks depart, and you remain looking at him through your window as you mentally chastise yourself, because how could you be so stupid to catch feelings for a man who you'll never have? You have only known each other for a few weeks, and the sooner he leaves the sooner your heart will begin healing, but you already fear you will never forget Shanks, not even in a hundred years.

🏴‍☠️ You begin avoiding him as much as you can, which means mainly avoiding the harbour and the Partys (you tell Makino this is a particularly busy period for your practice, not wanting her to think it is because of her; she looks at you, clearly unconvinced, but accepts your explaination) and hoping whatever feeling you have developed will soon start dissipate, like crushes often do, until... until one day Luffy shows up at your home, crying and more upset than you've ever seen him. "It's not me; it's Shanks." he says when you, terrified, start checking him for wounds or injuries "You need to come now, (name), he... he..."

🏴‍☠️ He wouldn't have looked for you if the patient were beyond helping, but Luffy is too upset to explain what exactly has happened to the captain, which can only increase the terror in your heart; you run to the harbour as quickly as your legs can carry you, and when you reach his cabin on the ship, Shanks, lying on his cot and surrounded by his closest friends, smiles, clearly pained but happy to see you. "Hey, here's my favourite dance partner." he says "I am fine, don't worry..." He clearly isn't, and your legs amost collapse under you when you see what has happened to his left arm; you are able to remain calm and focused as you clean the wound to avoid infection and then bandage it, while Shanks looks silently on, his eyes full of warmth and pain, not necessarily for himself.

🏴‍☠️ "What has happened to you?" you ask in the end, sitting on a stool Luffy has brought you before leaving with the others; Shanks quietly answers telling you all about the child's kidnapping, him intervening and having to fight the Sea King that inhabits the waters around the island, and this is when you start crying, overwhelmed by the courage and generosity of the man in front of you, who has paid such a terrible price for it. What will he do now? You know how tenacious and strong he is, but will he be able to fight and lead his men without an arm? You have already treated this sort of wound, and you know it might keep paining him for the rest of his days; what if an enemy takes advantage of his weakness and he can't defend himself...?

🏴‍☠️ "I am all right." he gently says as he uses the hem of his cape to dry your tears, and you feel more guilty than ever, because he has just gone through a terrible trauma, and still he is able and willing to comfort you "Truly; Luffy is safe and this is what matters. It is just an arm, I have a spare one to use..." "How can you joke about it?" you ask, crying and laughing at the same time, and then you have thrown your arms around his neck, sobbing and hating how useless you feel, and Shanks holds you tight with his arm around your waist and his cheek against your shoulder, feeling your very presence more soothing and healing than any opiate or medicine he could have taken. "It is so good to see you again." he whispers; you can both feel your hearts beating as one, a sensation whose beauty and sweetness you cannot describe in words "I know you've avoiding me. No, no, it's ok; I know why you did it, and it's probably for the best, even though I have missed you..."

🏴‍☠️ You don't answer, quietly enjoying the peace and comfort Shanks' presence always brings you despite the heartbreak; there must be dozens of men on the ship around you, but you are alone in the tiny, sparsely furnished cabin, enjoying a fleeting, precious moment of intimacy. In the end you turn your face to meet Shanks' gaze, and you do not vocalize your feelings, but he understands them all the same, and a moment later your mouths meet in the sweetest, most intense kiss of your life. Shanks moans, his lips avidly caressing yours, and a moment later you are running your fingers through his hair, and you want him so much your heart is about to burst.

🏴‍☠️ When you finally part, five minutes later, neither of you is smiling. "I don't want to cause you pain." Shanks says, deadly serious; his hand is holding yours, his thumb caressing the back "We are meant to leave in three weeks..." "And you will; I will not beg you to stay, and I know that saying goodbye will be harrowing; but it'll be anyway, since I can't stop thinking about you." you admit with a sigh "I want to be with you, Shanks, be it for a day or a year; if, ehm, you want to be with me, and I know you are in pain, and obviously as a doctor I am not supposed to date my patients..."

🏴‍☠️ You are blabbering, as usual when you are nervous, but Shanks is quick to put an end to your speech kissing you soundly once more, holding you as if he never wants you to go. You lie down on the cot together, your legs entwined and your bodies pressing against each other, but after a while you are forced to stop and change position, because a moan of pain warns you your side was pressing agains the stump of his arm. "My poor darling, I am so sorry for what has happened to you." you murmur, but Shanks smiles, and gently kisses your forehead. "Luffy is safe and you are here next to me." he says "As far as I'm concerned, it was a small price to pay."

🏴‍☠️ You and Shanks are determined to make the most of the little time you have, so you are nearly inseparable for the next three weeks. You don't want to neglect your work, since your patients need you, but if you are not at your practice, you are with him. You sleep in his cabin (the cot is tiny, but squeezing together is not a problem for the two of you) make sure his wound is clean and neatly bandaged, and walk with him on your favourite beach, enjoying his quiet, solid presence next to you, his beautiful smile, and the way he has to circle your waist and lead you in a dance when you least expect it, making you laugh. Luffy reacts with disgust the first time he sees the two of you sharing a kiss, but he is happy for you, secretly thinking you and Shank deserve each other - and for the future young King of the Pirates there is no better compliment than this.

🏴‍☠️ Before you become intimate for the first time, Shanks asks you to make sure you don't get pregnant, and you comply, privately thinking you wouldn't mind having his baby, were it not unfair to both to keep father and child separated, quite the opposite, because a child with his smile and eyes would alleviate the solitude you know you will suffer once he will have left. You feed him food with your fork at the Partys, fall asleep lulled by his heartbeat, and sit next to him at the end of the wharf, your legs dangling and his arm around your shoulders as you look at the sun setting behind the horizon, and wish your time together would never end.

🏴‍☠️ It does, unfortunately, and on one clear, warm morning, Shanks and his crew prepare to leave the village. Luffy is inconsolable, even after Shanks gifts him his most precious possession, his straw hat, with the promise to ask for it back when the young boy has become a great pirate; you, on the other hand, feel pain and heartbreak beyond words and tears. The two of you have spent the whole night making love, with an intensity and an abandon you had never experienced before, and he looked as grief-stricken as you feel while he whispered his feelings in your ear and promised he would never forget you, but still, your heart is full of doubts and anguish while you walk to the harbour to say goodbye to the man who has, in true pirate fashion, stolen your heart. He lied about your affection to comfort you, an unpleasant voice whispers in your ear. He has a woman like you in every town and port his ship visits. He will forget your face in less than a month and in two he won't remember ever meeting you. Worst of all, he will die soon, battling another pirate crew or drowning, and you'll cry for him for the rest of your days...

🏴‍☠️ A few of the pirates you have gotten to know in the last months say goodbye to you and you wish them good luck, having gotten sincerely fond of those brave, freedom-hungry men who have chosen such a dangerous way of life and can face any enemy with a smile on their faces. In the end, you and Shanks find yourselves face to face, and "Please, do not cry; I am already desperate, your tears would kill me." he softly begs as the tips of his fingers caress your cheek, and you shake your head: you can't help being sad, you admit, but you knew this moment would come and do not regret being with him, even just for a few short days, and no matter what the future has in store, you will keep him in your heart forever. "Just promise me one thing: find a doctor for your crew, as soon as possible; I can't stand the idea of you and your men travelling without someone taking care of your health." you ask him, and for the first time since you met, you see Shanks hesitating. "I will, I promise; but..." "But?"

🏴‍☠️ "But, I was hoping I wouldn't need to look for a doctor; that you would join my crew and fill the spot. I... I know it would change your life, and I won't lie to you, it is a dangerous life, especially for a person who is not a trained fighter and even if we would all do everything we can to ensure your safety. We have known each other only for a few months, but it would make me the happiest man on the Sea if... oh, forget it, it was a stupid idea, how egotistical can I be asking you to leave everything you know and love for..." He is mumbling, and looking at him in that moment, unsure but hopeful, all your doubts and fears disappear like snow at the first light of spring; he cares about you, he really does, much more than simply because of the advantges your presence on the ship would provide the crew, but since he could never renounce his way of life to be with you, he feels unworthy of asking you to do the same. How could you ever doubt him?, you wonder while tears of happiness begin falling from your eyes... and how can you say no to him?

🏴‍☠️ "Oh, Shanks... nothing would make me happier; I'd leave in a minute if it meant being with you." you sincerely answer "But I can't. I am the only doctor in the village, and it would take months to request the capital to send another one here; I can't in all conscience leave my patients without anyone caring for their health. And there is Luffy; he needs me, at least for a few more years. Believe me, I... I am not simply looking for an excuse; I really want to be with you, but..." "I know." he interrupts you, and the reassurance about your feelings for him doesn't make your refusal easier to accept. "I know what sort of person you are, how much you care for the people of the village; I wouldn't expect any less from you." You sigh, wishing for a moment you could actually disavow your professional oath and forsake the people you have promised to take care of, and follow the man you love towards whatever fate awaits him. You are doing the right thing, professionally and towards a boy you love as if he were a child of your body, but the prospect of losing Shanks forever makes you feel as if you were renouncing a part of you...

🏴‍☠️ "You know, it... It doesn't have to be forever." you tentatively add wringing your hands, a moment after one of the men has called to Shanks to tell him they're ready to go "It will be a few years, but one day Luffy will be old enough to take care of himself, and in the meantime I could instruct a new doctor for the village or ask for one to be sent here. And then, once I'm no longer needed... I-I could come. To you. I mean, I wouldn't ask you to wait for me, if you... met someone else, or if simply your feelings changed..." "I will." Shanks immediately answers; he's looking at you as if no treasure he could ever find would compare "I'll wait for you, and you'll wait for me, and once Luffy no longer needs you, I'll come back for you. And from then on, no one and nothing will ever separate us."

🏴‍☠️ The promise is sealed with a kiss, that you and your lover share on the harbour in full view of the crew and the villagers, and there is no need to say you love each other, because a look of Shanks's warm eyes is enough to reassure you and he can read the same feelings in your gaze. A few minutes, and you are looking at the ship disappearing into the horizon with Luffy by your side, not bothering to hold back your tears while a stubborn, fierce hope fills your heart.

🏴‍☠️ Ten years pass, slowly, often excruciatingly so, but at least you can keep busy instead of spending days and nights crying over your lost love. You focus on your work, finding gratification and sincere joy in taking care of the people you grew up and live with, and helping them when they are sick or wounded; five years after you said good-bye to your lover, two girls who have just completed their studies at the village's school ask for permission to follow you in your work, and you gladly take them on as apprentices. You write to the libraries of the larger towns in the island, asking for books written by ship doctors or that would help you specialize for your future responsabilities as a member of Shanks' crew, and follow his adventures in the papers.

🏴‍☠️ The news of your and Shanks' promise has somehow spread to the village, and save for Luffy and a few of your friends, most of the people think you are wasting the best years of your life, and should have never believed in him. "He said that to make fun of you, or at least to comfort you and make you think he actually cared." they say "He's a pirate, (name), he must have a woman like you in every harbour. By now he has probably been with ten others." "Even if he actually cared, ten years is ages to spend waiting for someone! What if he dies in the meantime? And even if he returned, are you sure you want to live such a dangerous life?" "Don't you want to marry and raise a family? A pirate ship is no place for a child, and in ten years you'll be past marriageable age; there are many good men here in the village..."

🏴‍☠️ They mean well (most of them do, at least), but you don't listen, and while you miss Shanks more and more every day and sometimes even wish you had forgotten duties and responsibilities to follow your heart, because whatever length of time destiny will allow you to spend together you will have still wasted ten years, you never waver, sure in your heart you have made the right choice, and you don't care how naive and idealistic you would sound if you said it out loud, you know he's also thinking of you, saddened by the distance between you and nonetheless carrying on, knowing nothing and no one will stop you from being together once the time is right. The idea of becoming a pirate is both terrifying and exciting, and had you not met Shanks, you would have been happy to stay in Foosha forever, single or otherwise; but now you know he is your destiny, and you will share whatever future and dream he will pursue, because you know he will always be worthy of your devotion.

🏴‍☠️ On the other hand, you do miss him. Fiercely, desperately, a feeling which is hunger (why is his warm body not flushed against yours when you wake up? Where are the avid and sloppy kisses you had already become dependent on, and that now you cannot do without?) and jealousy (is another woman flirting with him in this very moment? Touching him, smiling at him, catching his attention even if just for a moment? And how can you discover her name and city or village of residence, to go and teach her not to touch what belongs to others?) and protectivity (what if something happens to him and you're not there to take care of him? Has he found a doctor like he had promised you?) all in one, that becomes a permanent presence inside you, from the moment you wake to when you go to sleep... and sometimes even longer. His smile, his kind and determined voice, the subtle energy and power his very figure emanated... you even miss his cold feet, and that affectionate but vaguely annoying way that he had to pull your hair to get your attention. Deep in your heart, you know he is also thinking about you, that he remembers his promise and is honoring it, no matter how difficult it might be; but however pleasant and productive your days are, no matter the joy you feel in being in the company of your friends and in successfully treating your patients, his absence is still a weight in your heart, a dull but persistent pain that before long becomes as familiar as the colour of your hair of the medical coat you wear at your practice. You have not stopped eating (that would be bad for your health!) and you are not going to wither away like the protagonist of a romantic novel whose sweetheart has deserted her, but you miss him, deeply and desperately, and every time your eyes fall on a red-haired head, your heart skips a beat...

🏴‍☠️ Luffy is, as you expected, the only one who fully believes in Shanks' promise to you, just like you trust the pact the captain and the child have made about Luffy's future and the straw hat; you never told him he, and his well-being, is one of the two main reasons why you elected to stay in Foosha, because a child doesn't deserve to feel guilty for the choices of an adult, but Luffy is much smarter and more perceptive than he is given credit for, and in the end it is you who, exactly ten years after saying goodbye to Shanks, he tells he is finally ready to leave the village to pursue his dream... and you need to do the same. "I know you have stayed here to look after me, (name); and I appreciate it a lot. But now I can take care of myself, and I'm leaving to find a crew and become King of the Pirates. You have to go too; don't you want to see him, after all these years? I'm sure he missed you a lot too; find him, become his doctor, and say hi for me."

🏴‍☠️ You do. After an heart-felt goodbye ("Don't lose the first-aid kit I gave you! And please, Luffy, I don't need you to remind you to eat, but don't get cold!") you prepare a small luggage and your doctor's bag, entrust your practice to your apprentices (who by now are more than up to the task, and who you know will take as good care of the villagers as you did), and your home's keys to Makino, and leave. Part of you still can't believe you are actually doing it, that you are leaving everything you knew and loved behind, the village you were born in and all your things at home, to pursue a life you are probably unprepared for and that could cost you your life, but you don't care, and whatever happens, you know you won't regret the choice you have made... the choice to follow your heart.

🏴‍☠️ The only, but not negligible, difficulty you have to face is that you have absolutely no idea where Shanks is. Your deal was that he would come back to get you in Foosha once Luffy no longer needed you, but since you have no way to contact him, you can't ask him to meet; the most reasonable choice would be to wait for your young friend to make a name for himsef, either earning a bounty of fighting the Marines, so that news of him having left the village and become a pirate would reach Shanks, who would then know it is time to make good on his promise, but not knowing how long it would take, and determined not to waste any more time, you decide to take the matter in your own hands and go to Shanks yourself... even though you have no idea how, and where to find him. According to a by now weeks old newspaper article you had read, your lover has been seen in a certain island across the East Sea, so you buy a ticket to reach it, hoping to still find him there, or at least that he had left word of where he would head next.

🏴‍☠️ Ten days of navigation later, the ship has to make a stop along the way to resupply; you are walking down the dock as you wait for the captain to call the passengers back on board, trembling with excitation and hoping you and your lover will soon be reunited, when your eyes casually fall on a man walking down the pier, unhurriedly but with the sort of determination that leads anyone who crosses his path to give way. You have never met him, but your lover has told you about him, and you would have recognized him in any case, because Dracule Mihawk, the greatest swordman in the world, is not the kind of man you can mistake for someone else... if only for the enormous sword, as long as he is tall, hanging from his shoulders. Normally you would have no reason to approach him, not last because Mihawk doesn't seem the sort of man who tolerates being bothered without a good reason, but Shanks has told you the two of them know each other of old and are, if not exactly friends, at least good acquaintances; could the swordsman know where your lover is? Could he tell you, if you tell him you are also a friend of Shanks and he is supposed to meet you anyway?

🏴‍☠️ To approach him requires all your courage, since Mihawk, while perhaps not unnecessarily violent like some other pirates, is the most intimidating person you have ever met; but finding Shanks is more important than anything else in the world, and if you are to become part of the crew of an important pirate like your lover, you need to find your courage and learn to face danger with your head held high. So you reach him, and ask him if he knows where your lover is. "I mean him no ill will; actually... we are also good friends. I... I come from Foosha Village, my name is (name)..." you begin, stammering under the piercing gaze of the swordsman when suddenly he interrupts you. "You are the doctor, I gather. The one who remained at the village to care for the boy who had eaten the Devil Fruit." "Y-yes! It is me!" you exclaim, surprised and immediately flattered; Shanks has told him about you! "We had agreed to meet once Luffy had... well, I am looking for him now, and I am heading to the island where he was last seen but since you have known him for a long time, I thought that perhaps you know where he is..."

🏴‍☠️ Mihawk, apparently indifferent to your blabbering (he's probably used to people being nervous in his presence, and how could they not?) points out he is not Shanks' father nor a member of his crew, and as a consequence he is not in the habit of keeping an eye on his movements. "But coincidentally, I know where he is; in fact, I had in mind to meet him myself." he adds, before mentioning a semi-deserted island much closer to where you are than the one your ship is heading to "If you leave now, you can reach him before nightfall." It is the best news you have ever received, and you thank the swordsman profusely, forgetting for a moment how intimidated you are by his very presence. Mihawk simply nods, and then offers you a folded piece of paper. "If you meet Shanks, will you give him this for me? I think you know the person it concerns." he asks, and your eyes open wide as you open the bounty poster... Luffy's bounty poster! You haven't had access to newspapers during your journey, but it seems that in the few short weeks since he left the village your young friend has already made a name for himself, earning the attention of the Marines and, as a consequence, a remarkable bounty; you wouldn't have expected anything less from him, you think, your heart full of pride and happiness. "I thought Shanks would appreciate seeing it, given his interest in the boy." Mihawk points out "Will you give it to him, when you meet him?"

🏴‍☠️ Of course you promise, happy to save Mihawk the effort of going himself after the precious informations he gave you. Your heart pounding, you are quick to go back to the ship about to depart, retrieve your belongings and run, quickly telling the captain you have changed your mind and won't be continuing your trip with them. The smaller island you have to reach is very close but, you discover after asking around, there are no regular vessels that reach it, given that it is almost uninhabited (which is probably why Shanks and his men have chosen it as their base) but you are able to find a fisherman willing to get you there. And so, soon after dark, you finally lay foot on the same ground your lover is walking on, closer than you have ever been in ten long years...

🏴‍☠️ ... and you are immediately surrounded, a number of heavily armed pirates pointing their weapons at you, ready to shoot at the first sign of danger. "Don't, please! I mean you no harm, I am a friend!" you hurry to explain, recognizing a few of the pirates who were already in Shanks' crew when you first met and hoping they also remember you "I am (name), the doctor of Foosha village. Many of you were sick with red fever and I was able to help you, remember? I need to speak with Shanks, he's waiting for me... sort of..." Fortunately it works, and many of the pirates you had met ten years ago welcome you as a friend, still remembering what you had done for them, and lead you to their beach camp, where Shanks and the others are resting after an impromptu party.

🏴‍☠️ Ten years have passed, and still it takes you less than a moment to recognize the man sprawled in a hammock, even before the red hair and the lack of his left arm are visible; the handle of your bag slips from your fingers and falls on the sand. You must look horrible, you suddenly realize, tired after a long day of travel and with your hair tussled by the wind, and this is the sort of situation you would like to look your best for, but you don't care, you care about nothing in the world but the man in front of you, still lost in his hangover dreams.

🏴‍☠️ "Shanks." you murmur, theoretically too low for him to hear, but he does, even before his men can wake him up and tell him he has a visitor. He lifts his head, gingerly standing from the hammock, and in the darkness descending on the beach, he sees you, and for a full minute that's all he seems able to do, looking as if he can't believe his own eyes. "... (name?)" "H-hi." you stammer, suddenly shy and even scared; you have trusted him, and the bond between you, for ten years, confiding that what you shared could resist the test of time and that your lover would keep you in his heart like you have kept him in yours, but suddenly, now that the moment of truth has finally come, all your certainties seem to desert you. What if the people at the village were right, and you have wasted ten years of your life for a naive, romantic dream? What if Shanks has forgotten the promise you two shared? Even worse, what if he has decided to renounce it after time and distance ended up attenuating his feelings for you? You could go back to Foosha and resume your old life as village doctor, a good and productive life, but you know you will never survive the disappointment... "It's... it's good to see you. I came, ehm, I don't know if you remember what we had agreed to do once Luffy..."

🏴‍☠️ "You are here." Shanks murmurs, as if thinking out loud; suddenly sober, he stands and walks up to you, still disbelieving and at the same time delighted beyond words "I can't... you came. You actually came." "Yes, I did. I know we had agreed you would return to the village, but I have trained two new doctors, and Luffy has left to become a pirate, and you wouldn't believe it, he has already..." He stops you, not in words but with a hug; Shanks' arm has circled your waist, pressing your body against his, and it is all so familiar, from his scent to his touch to the sound of his voice, that suddenly you can't control yourself anymore, and you start crying, out of joy, out of relief, out of the simple and visceral pleasure of being with him, once more, with your captain, your lover, your Shanks. "I have missed you so much." you murmur, and his delighted laugh is music to your ears; Shanks presses his forehead against yours, still holding you close, while his crew rejoices all around.

🏴‍☠️ You walk together on the beach for a while, away from the camp, silently enjoying each other's company, until Shanks asks you about Luffy, who must have left the village since you did too, and you show him the bounty poster, that your lover observes with delighted pride. "I can't believe you asked Mihawk for directions..." "Well, I am not saying I wasn't trembling with fear, but I wanted to find you, no matter what. I... I have never stopped thinking about you, you know? And please, tell me you haven't spent ten years journeying through the Seas without a doctor." Shanks smiles, and explains that they actually found a doctor soon after departing Foosha, a capable man who took good care of the crew for ten years... and who just two weeks ago decided to leave, having met a special someone on an island they had docked at, leaving the position vacant. "I let him go, because I have never forced anyone to be part of my crew, but I had no idea you would come... Curious, isn't it? As if destiny had decided it was time for us to meet again, as we had promised."

🏴‍☠️ You shrug, mostly uninterested in assigning responsibility: whether it was destiny, or simple coincidence, you are together once again, not because of a concatenation of events but as a result of your own choices. You did what you thought was right, and now you are free, and determined, to follow your heart. "I came to join your crew, as you had asked me to do ten years ago." you tell Shanks, turning to face him; those words do not need to be said, but you want him to hear... to know that for a whole decade, you have never let him go in your heart "To be your doctor, and your lover, if you'll be mine. What do you say?" Shanks doesn't immediately answer; his hand touches your cheek, gingerly, as if he feared you were just a mirage about to disappear if he only looked too closely. "How beautiful you are." he murmurs "My (name)... ten years ago, I told you meeting you was a blessing from the Gods; I didn't know how right I was. I have never stopped thinking about you; I was sure Luffy would leave the village soon, since he is almost a grown man, and I was ready to come to you as soon as I was certain he didn't need you anymore. But now you're here, and I'm never letting you out of my sight."

🏴‍☠️ It is a promise and a declaration in one, nothing less than what you expected and the only thing you would have accepted. Shanks' hand finds yours; the night enveloping the beach hides a kiss that tastes like homecoming and cheap rhum, your lover's body welcoming you in the warmth and security of his embrace. From now on, your life together begins; from now on, you're part of the Red-Haired Pirate crew.

#One Piece #One Piece live action #OPLA #Shanks #Red-Haired Shanks #Red-Haired Shanks x reader #Shanks x reader #Peter Gadiot #Bellona's stuff

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autismtana · 1 year

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santana lopez has adhd (part 1)

^the adhd/lesbian flags^

(*disclaimer: i have adhd myself and work in education/educational psychology, which is the basis of this post in which i get wayyyyy too analytical about a fictional character; however, i'm not a psychiatrist or doctor and am not qualified to diagnose real people with adhd or anything else ... seriously, our only representation is cis white boys whose adhd is an explanation for them being the class clown and treated as a joke so please don't get salty at me for claiming a fictional character that isn't a cis white boy as part of the adhd gang)

(credit to @dojasrivera on twitter for making the og adhd!santana thread; i unfortunately wasn't able to see it as i only found out about it after their original twitter account got suspended but there may be some overlap between their thread and this post)

this ended up being really long and tumblr cut me off so there is going to be a part 2

impulsiveness - let's get this one out of the way first since this is obviously really central to santana's character; she has a tendency to just kind of say whatever she thinks in the moment without thinking about the consequence and it often gets her into trouble. she also just does random shit like try to get into a physical altercation with lauren zizes who is in the wrestling team, and later move into kurt and rachel's apartment completely out of the blue and go through their stuff for some bizarre reason (which is funny in a tv context but also like ... santana wtf don't go through their stuff).

difficulty initiating and maintaining friendships - santana has maybe 2 secure close friendships throughout the series (brittany and mercedes) and even then there are some complications; brittany because they're in love with each other, and even mercedes competed with santana over puck (ew) but that was resolved by the end of the episode. all of santana's other female friendships (except tina but they're not really all that close and even they have a one-sided feud in season 4 where surprisingly santana is the unbothered one) appear to be sources of stress and anxiety for her because they revolve around competing (see her storyline with rachel from 5x09-5x13). it's also established that santana is close friends with quinn throughout the series (even if they have a tendency to compete with each other) but santana says in 5x10 that quinn doesn't live too far away from her and yet she never makes the effort to see her, even though they ended their senior year relatively amicably. she's way more forgiving of other people than she's given credit for, but she just craves acceptance and friendship from this bunch of misfits so much and is really insecure about whether or not she has it.

rejection sensitive dysphoria - this could literally describe like 90% of her interactions with people (mostly people that aren't brittany). the entire pezberry feud is essentially santana experiencing rsd around her friendship (or lack thereof) with rachel and then doubling down on rachel's expectations of her to save face. another example is in 2x20 when kurt wins prom queen and santana's immediate first thought is "everyone hates me". this post from themostrandomfandom suggests that santana has an anxious attachment type. even in some of her interactions with brittany, she's anxious about their relationship and needs reassurance ("you didn't say you love me back" in 2x18, "are we dating or what" in 3x04).

disorganisation - santana's bedroom (see 2x15 and 4x04) and locker (see the scene in 3x22 with her mom) are both literal disaster zones, and according to brittany, her car would qualify her to be on "whoreders" (honestly same)

difficulty with time management (chronic lateness) - "i like to make an entrance" aka she lost track of time and knew she was going to be late so she planned it (credit: @smolbrittana on instagram)

emotional reactivity and difficulty with emotional regulation - santana has very visceral reactions to all emotions, positive and negative (see this post by themostrandomfandom) (see this post by drshebloggo); she's very easily affected by external stimuli (e.g. the scene in 1x03 when she gets her tanning privileges revoked). she feels her emotions really intensely and it takes her a long time to calm down. she has rage (and of course i'm obligated to include this awesome compilation by literallylebanese). in the hurt locker scene (2x15), santana articulates really well that she has so many big feelings that she doesn't know what to do with so the only thing she can do about them is lash out at other people. it's also worth noting that santana is extremely defensive and reactive in her social interactions with others; she's very rarely the one to "shoot first" (for lack of a better term) and a lot of her lashing out against her peers (i.e. getting revenge on finn/quinn in 2x12, her interactions with rory in 3x04/3x06, most of her interactions with rachel in 5x09-5x12, her monologue to kurt in 6x03) are in response to perceived wrongdoing/criticism/rejection (i'm not justifying these but context and motivation matters). she also has really visceral reactions to positive emotions; her whole face just instantly lights up when brittany smiles at her or touches her or someone compliments her.

poor financial management skills - homegirl literally blew half of her college fund on post-breakup retail therapy (maribel lopez seriously i love you but why would you just hand this child a cheque if you knew she was getting a scholarship)

impulsiveness around romantic relationships - u-haul lesbian jokes aside, santana moves very fast with dani, calling dani her girlfriend within like 5 seconds of meeting her, it's unclear when she and dani officially break up (my headcanon is that things went somewhat sour after dani voted to kick santana and rachel out of pamela lansbury, especially based on what we know about santana and her feelings of anxiety around real and/or perceived rejection, but i guess we'll never know). it's possible that dani may have been a hyperfixation.

poor adult interactions/distrust in authority - homegirl has this in spades; her abuela literally threatens to beat her up with a chair and tried to sell her once, and sue mistreats all the cheerleaders on a regular basis. even will schuester who she says she likes kicks her out of glee club, refuses to defend her and pushes for her to get suspended after the finn incident (as does shelby corcoran), and shames her for reporting his subpar teaching, so that's educational trauma on top of that and she has a tendency to challenge them, mr schuester especially.

compulsive fidgeting - often has a nail file or one of brittany's funky pens, also often fidgets with her hands when she's nervous - mostly around her britt-britt (see also)

extroverted introvert - santana is simultaneously brash and outspoken while also being bashful and socially awkward (see her interactions in 5x02 with dani)

(part 2)

#santana lopez #glee headcanons #glee #brittana #adhd #glee meta #neurodiversity #adhd santana

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spoonyglitteraunt · 5 months

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Brains are weird.

I struggled to log in yesterday. As I struggled, and failed, to log in all week. I wanted to, but something about having been gone so long made it feel too overwhelming to face.

Each time I made the decision that Today would be the day, my brain threw up ALL the executive dysfunctioning walls. It just noped out all the way into productively procrastinating on tasks months in the waiting. The accompanying inner monologue fluctuated between predictable to barely making sense.

It's so. much. work. Brain argued. So much backlog to go through and you're so tired. We'll do it tomorrow. (Not entirely unfair, but then I never have energy.)

You've got tasks to do today. You neglected your to do list all month. You'll get distracted. We'll do it tomorrow. (There is always one task more. Always.)

Oh but would you even still be able to follow? (As if the topics here don't shift with the memes wind.) You don't have the attention span today to try and make sense of the newest blorbo/horse-plinko/spn world news. We'll do it tomorrow.

Do you even have a place still? (Yeah, sorry, I've got nothing on this one either.)

Something was rallying the anxiety gremlins, but the "reasons", were really no more than attempted rationalisations for something grinding beneath the surface. Something I could not put my finger on. Something I could only describe as a wordless, undefined, yet all encompassing dread. ... Eventually I managed to force through. I'm glad I did, because in an odd way it felt a little like coming home. I missed the interesting and funny people in my magic box. Missed getting to see what you are all obsessed with getting up to now.

It wasn't until just now that I think I hit upon what was causing the anxiety gremlins' great wall of awful.

You're given balls to juggle. No choice, no guidance (or guidance you can't understand), just one instruction. Whatever you do. Just. Keep. Juggling.

You do your best, yet sooner or later you miss. An unexpected bump, a freak gust of wind, a miscalculation, and you lose your grip. The ball drops. Shattering to pieces on the ground.

Wait... The ball was made of glass? But why? Are other people's balls made of glass? You swear you just saw someone bounce and grab theirs. That one there is on the floor. A bit scuffed, but whole, and ready to be picked up again. So why did yours shatter on impact? Who even makes glass juggling balls and why did no one warn you?

There are a lot of questions and no answers. But the why doesn't really matter. What matters is that your ball is broken. Shards on the floor. Adrenaline in your veins.

You didn't want to drop it. Your tried so hard not to drop it. You tried so hard it hurt. But it's broken now and you can't put it back together.

This is when people take notice. Parents, teachers, authority figures, peers. They look at the shattered ball and don't, can't, won't understand.

It was so easy! They tell you. It was just a few balls, and they barely weigh anything at all. We told you to keep juggling. We told you it was important. Why can you do complicated tricks, but not keep this one tiny ball in the air? Why didn't you just pick it back up? How did you even break it? Were you even trying? Were you even listening? Do you even care?

There is a unique type of trauma that comes from growing up ND (or with a disability too really). Especially when only diagnosed in adulthood.

You've been given glass balls with no warnings, or functional guidance on how to keep them whole. Everyone makes mistakes, but where theirs bounce, yours seem to shatter. And everyone treats that as your fault somehow. It doesn't matter if it was out of your control, and you really did try very hard. Worse even if you are otherwise quite smart or capable. Because then "you have no excuse". But others aren't juggling glass balls. Glass that weighs nor acts like the rubber ones they are using.

So you learn to internalise that every minor mistake. Every minor failing. Every perceived carelessness, or heck even just one less confident grab that could have missed, is a personal failing. Something to incite ire, disproportionate consequences, and rejection.

I think that is what the anxiety gremlins were trying to wall in. The fear that me not having been able to log in for so long was dropping and shattering a ball. The dread that logging in would somehow end in blame and rejection. Even though I didn't choose to get sick, or get thrown a glass curveball.

Obviously, rational me can see that was never going to happen. But the part of my brain impacted by years of undiagnosed ND-ness? Not so much.

It chose to protect. To shield. To avoid. Unable to even properly convey what was going on beyond a general feeling of dread. Because when the shards are on the floor and the adrenaline is in your veins, you don't stand around analysing feelings. You run.

So yeah, brains are weird.

Good thing we're weirder.

#neurodivergent #neurodiversity #actually autistic #actually adhd #actually disabled #long post #the joys of growing up undiagnosed ND #but I'm glad I got past the wall of awful #I genuinely did enjoy “coming home” :)#but I'll not be reading the entire backlog #you are lovely but also very very active #I applaud you but no thank you #I like to keep my remaining sanity #what little I have left

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abcleverun · 11 months

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In Defense of @xcatxgirlx

There was drama in the Ben 10 fandom ages ago. Little fuzzy on the exact details, but one of the major points of it (from my perspective) was this post.

In the post, my good friend Lenin added joke tags about their headcanon that Ben would grow up to be a multiple-time divorcee, but would eventually get his life together and settle down in a loving marriage with Rook.

I've known Lenin for years, and they often make jokes like this. I know for a fact that they genuinely care about Ben as a character, and I've seen their writing about Ben getting a happy ending. But the catch is, Lenin is also a fairly private person, and they don't often share their work with others unless they're close with them. Edit: Mb, I got this wrong. Lenin was new to the fandom and just started making posts about it. The context was something they provided in Ruby’s old server, but hadn’t shared with others yet.

So since she has no frame of reference, this is where Cat misinterprets the post as a genuine attack on Ben's character. (Double edit: I’m not trying to defend Cat’s behavior here. My point is, I don’t think she’s a monster)

Everyone who knows of Cat knows she's an extremely defensive person, especially when it comes to Ben. So she takes Lenin's comments seriously, making a response siting multiple canonical sources about how Ben is a good love interest.

Now, personally, I think it's reductive to label people as "deranged" or "unhinged" for being attached to a character. This entire drama was centered around ableism, and it's fairly hypocritical to overlook how she's been treated—not just here, but broadly. She's given little to no charity because she's "weird" about Ben. I don't mean to compare, but looking back, it seems that Cat was treated... like she was insane. Just because few people used the words, doesn't mean she wasn't treated like a psycho. It's the kind of hypocritical leftist thought of, "ableism is wrong, (except when someone's being the wrong kind of neurodivergent.)" And I'm not here to diagnose her, but you don't need a diagnosis to understand that, when someone behaves differently, they shouldn't be treated like they're freaks.

But of course, as people will argue, it's mostly about the harm someone does. And people say Cat caused a lot of harm.

So I'm going to say something. And people will almost certainly disagree, but if you have receipts, I'm more than happy to see them! I'd love to, I'm more than willing to be proven wrong!

However, from what I've seen,

She has never made a post attacking a specific person.

All her posts are about taking an argument and breaking it down. Her primary goal isn't to harass anyone, it's to defend Ben.

People talk about harassment campaigns. People often say, "Cat and co."

But, despite everything, she's... shockingly... absent.

She makes a point. She will argue that point. But if things go into ad hominins, or ultimately go nowhere, she will block you. Like she had me blocked, for the longest time.

There were harassment campaigns, but it wasn't her.

Again, people referenced "Cat and co."

So who was co?

Omnicrom was the one who caused this to become something bigger. Omnicrom was the one who never blocked anyone, Omnicrom was the one who called people pieces of shit in human skin, Omnicrom is the one who has a massive harassment post as their pinned post.

But Omnicrom and Cat are friends, right?

Well.

Omnicrom's blog is FULL of them reblogging and replying to Cat's posts. But what's fascinating is, Cat almost never replies back. Cat rarely talks to them, at least publicly.

So if they're not close, then why did Cat never call out Omni's behavior? Well, think about it. What other allies does Cat have? Even if she doesn't care for them, who else is regularly treating her with any kind of civility?

Why would she go out of her way to alienate one of the only people in the fandom treating her in any way that's halfway decent, especially when everyone else thinks she's a monster?

I know I probably don't have the full story. I know there's a lot of pieces that I'm missing. But I think I know enough to confidently say that Cat has been given the shit end of the stick, and a lot of shitty things that other people did have been unjustly pinned on her. It's obvious that Cat has a story behind her, that there's a reason she grew claws. Call me a bleeding heart, but I think she deserves more charitability than she was given.

#ben 10 discourse #ben 10 fandom drama #xcatxgirlx #omnicrom #abclevertalks

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thalassarche · 8 months

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This is kind of long and it's me getting things out. Scroll past if you don't want to read about medical stuff, or declining health of aging parents, or failures of the medical system, or the feeling of personal failures in the face of all of this.

My mom isn't doing well.

I've been living with her for three years now, after losing my job during the pandemic. She had recently been diagnosed with end stage renal failure and needed dialysis three days a week, which really tired her out, so she needed help, and I didn't have a job. So I've been her caregiver for that time. Helping with shopping and meals and appointments and so on. August 1st, she had a stroke, primarily affecting the language centers of her brain, and making speech difficult. She seemed okay when I got up that day but by the time I did my morning routine (teeth brushing etc) she wasn't talking properly and we went to the nearest ER. Since then she's been in neuro ICU, post-stroke rehab, and a short-term care center, for therapy and recovery. Except she was fighting some terrible lower back pain that was making it very difficult for her to do her PT, then getting to the point she was bedridden.

Myself, and her brother and sister-in-law (who are our neighbors), agitated for diagnostics of what was going on with her back pain. They did an xray with "no significant findings" and prescribed oxycodone for pain management. We tried to get a CT scan or MRI or something like that for her and nothing happened, as she was transferred from rehabilitation to short-term care, and short-term care just kept up the narcotics. Well. Now she's in ICU again. CT scan, MRI, and bloodwork revealed that she has osteomyelitis of the lumbar vertebrae -- an infection in the bone/bone marrow of her lower back. There's actually an abcess there in her spine. That's what was causing the hideous pain. Osteomyelitis in the spine has a roughly 20% mortality rate. And Mom just isn't very healthy to begin with. She's a breast cancer survivor with osteoporosis as a result of her treatment. She has diabetes, with that effect on wound healing. She has the aforementioned end stage renal failure, so her kidneys don't work and her blood has to be filtered artificially three times a week. She has atherosclerosis (which may have caused the stroke) and has a stent in her heart, plus an artificial heart valve.

The doctors have said they don't like the look of the infection, and they don't feel she's a candidate for surgery to remove it, so it's going to be treated via antibiotics delivered via PICC for the next 6 weeks. But, it's sort of hanging there, that there's a solid chance she doesn't make it through this. And I just can't stop feeling as if I failed her, by not following through with the additional diagnostics, by not making myself such a pain in the ass that they did it to get me to shut up, and maybe found it sooner. Or that maybe I didn't even catch the stroke soon enough. Or who knows, maybe insurance denied the CT scan, or something like that. Just, that I'm supposed to be her caregiver, and yet, look. I don't know what I'm saying here other than just getting all of this out somewhere. But it sucks. The healthcare system sucks, insurance sucks, all of this sucks, and I just want my Mom.

#pers.#just a mess here I guess #nothing feels right #nothing really prepares

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pb-dot · 9 months

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The Sisypheanism of Self Care

I don't know if the title is strictly accurate or uses words that are actual words, and neither do I care. Today's been a rough one and I'm granting myself license to be a little extra.

In the last year or so I've become acutely aware that the various mental health care I've been receiving hasn't really been hitting the mark. The talk therapy fails to function as much more than a pressure valve, although it in fairness has been a great pressure valve when I could get it. The problem is that we, that is to say, I and my doctor, former therapist, and social services caseworker haven't really made any inroads into making my life any better or breaking me out of my depression, or this spiral of unemployment, taking a job that doesn't fit my strengths, working until I have burnout and quit - repeat that I have been caught in for most of my adult life.

I was hoping there was an end coming to this time of faffing about with common sense cures for depression, my doctor currently suggests I lose some weight (I know, you're shocked) and take cold showers. In fairness, treatment-resistant depression probably isn't her field of expertise being a GP and all. Anyway, the reason why I hoped this was because I've recently been referred to the public psychiatric center that I know takes a somewhat more clinical approach to treatment, so although I wasn't holding out hope of being "cured" anytime soon, I was kind of hoping this would land me with a treatment plan of some sort. Maybe some different meds? A supplementary diagnosis of some sort? Who's to say, but a fella can dream, can't he?

So far I've talked to two separate mental health professionals who both seem deeply unsure about what to do about me. Out-fucking-standing. Oh, there were also some blood tests as I expressed I was a bit uncertain whether my antidepressants were, in fact, doing anything. I suppose that is the first thing you do in that instance, but I'm just expecting to hear that my body is treating the meds right, and the question if it does do something remains kind of floating in the air. That is, if it doesn't turn out I'm secretly immune to these as well.

Anyway, it's impatience on my end, and I'm fully aware of it. Diagnosing mental health conditions and neurodivergence is tricky and the consequences for making the wrong call can be pretty bad. That said, I'm just tired of getting mh treatment that I can't actually tell if does anything at the same time as I'm getting help getting back to work that I can't tell if does anything, and every time I talk to anyone in my life about this I can't but shrug and go "it'll pay off eventually... I hope."

It's all just such a waste. I was such a bright child in school, and although I wasn't quite as much of a standout during university, I did ok considering I was heavily depressed at the time. Hell, I'm still smart, pretty darn smart in certain fields, I would suggest, and my last formal test of my mental capabilities would agree. And yet, here I sit. Unemployed, frustrated, depressed, a walking pile of anxiety and dark thoughts so robust they almost, but thankfully not quite, should count as a philosophy by now.

Where did I go wrong? There are probably a bunch of things I could have done differently, but frankly, I also feel like Society, that old villain, has failed me in some rather profound ways. It's not just how difficult it has been getting mental health help that actually does something, or how absolutely debilitating being unemployed can be, although these certainly do contribute. My problem isn't just that my life is being made measurably worse by our old foe Late Stage Capitalism, although most of these are just made worse by that cancerous corpse of an ideology. The world seemingly has no place for me it feels like. Loneliness pushes in around me from every conceivable angle, dating is a nightmare, every job requires multi-year experience or specialized education I hadn't even heard about before reading about them, there seems to be no thought put into how exactly anyone not fitting into this cripplingly overspecialized work market is supposed to live their godfuckingdamned life, and that's not even getting into the climate shit.

I honestly hate how easy it is for me to pivot from talking about depression to unemployment. I hate how employment has to be a factor in my mental health. I hate how approximately nobody I've talked to about it, on the professional side, seems to get that I wasn't less depressed back when I was working. I hate how I can't get a job because it feels fucking impossible to be enough of a "go-getter with can-do attitude" to even make it to the interview stage when nothing feels good or worth it. I hate the fucking catch-22 of it all, and I hate that neither psychiatrist nor doctor nor case worker can even begin to unravel this Gordian knot for me, or even tell me where in the good grace of fuck I might begin pulling.

It's like they're saying "Sorry, your depression is untreatable and although we won't say it to your face, the labor market's general indifference to you should tell you that you have no place in it which in the current order of things means you have no value. Shame about that, someone probably should've told you all this before you did your best in school and endured the social ostracization that followed with being a kinda weird kid that loved books, all fueled by the fucking lie that it'd get better once you were done with school."

So yeah. I'm not having a fantastic day today, but I think getting some bile out of my system might have helped me feel a little less terrible? Better days than this will come, I'm sure. I'll try doing nice things for myself the rest of the day, although I'm not quite sure what they were. If I shitpost or rb more saucy art than usual today, that's probably what I ended up with

#peebs thinks #gripes #mental health #capitalism #depression #rant

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vessel-full-of-stories · 2 years

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This all started with me explaining how Buck's relationship with physical affection/tactility isn't what some think it is. He's not like Eddie, who actively uses it as a love language.

If we look back at the Buckley household and upbringing, we can actually see which love language is prominent for each member and how it developed.

In case you don't remember, the third Buckley sibling, Daniel, got diagnosed with leukemia around age 5. They tried treatment but it was ineffective, Daniel needing a bone marrow transplant. None of the existing Buckley's were a match, so the parents decided to create one.

By age 7, baby Buck was born and he was a match, but it didn't graft. Daniel ended up passing a year later. With a living reminder of their lost child and the shame having Buck got them from their social groups ("forcing" them to move away), it's easy to imagine the disconnect and (probable) resentment they had for him.

Maddie said they were different before everything happened and that's true. Maddie is obviously familiar with how to comfort someone physically.

But Buck is another thing that can die on them. And that's scary. As much as they tried to block a deep attachment from forming (successful for the most part), seeing Buck injured triggered that same response they had for Daniel and Maddie. They wanted to shelter and protect him, but their "failure" to protect Daniel poisoned the thought. So, they retreated mentally and emotionally to protect themselves.

That created the rift between parents and children. Buck and Maddie weren't the only ones with an "us against them" mentality.

They show physical affection and comfort to each other. Mirror each other's protective habits (crossing their arms over their chest). Go to therapy together to discuss their worries. All the things they didn't extend towards their children because it was about them, now. Not Maddie or Buck.

Even examining their outbursts, it always goes back to one of two things. Buck should know life is fragile! Maddie doesn't know how it feels to lose a child! How could Buck ask them to sit and watch while their child was in the hospital? Their childish tantrums (literal children) never made it easy! It always goes back to Daniel or them. Not their living children.

Buck was right. They gave up on them. And he never knew why.

Not knowing led him to do whatever it took to get their attention. And if Buck being injured dragged at least the bare minimum of their love languages out of them, he'd do it.

Phillip was shown to lean towards gift giving, buying Buck a new bike, ice cream, pizza.

Margaret was the physically affectionate one with her children. She moved to embrace Buck before she realized whose bike they were using. When he's bedbound with a broken arm, she taps his leg gently.

The act grew old after a couple years and you can see Buck's resentment in his speech and demeanor towards them. It's not just teenage rebellion that leads him to say, "they suck." They do. With Maddie and Buck growing up in that environment, it pretty much stunted their emotional connections with physical touch.

Again, Maddie had her parents' and Daniel's physical love while he was alive. She has some experience with it ingrained in her. And what Buck has, he learned from her. However, I believe much of that physicality morphed into another language when she became a primary caregiver to Buck.

Maddie tended to his wounds, bathed him as a baby, defended him, and made pinky promises. (A sincere, yet kidish gesture that was probably taught to her by Daniel.)

Basically, physical touch wasn't just about affection anymore. It became an act of service. She gave everything she could to Buck because she knew exactly why they treated him like they did, even if she had to keep it a secret. And she never resented him for it. She loves Buck, and she showed him that through act of care.

Maddie was still young, though, going through her own issues. Not understanding the possessiveness of Doug because, after years of their parents' neglect, she thought that's what love looked like. Doug broke her away from her family, from Buck, as a way to control her, but she wanted to escape her parents, so she thought it was fine. Whatever red flags she saw were the simple complexities of marriage. (At least that's what she told other people.)

Doug especially clawed into her relationship with physicality. The way he threatened, dragged, and beat her was beyond cruel. It would be understandable if she never felt comfortable giving or receiving physical affection again.

Still, her love language wasn't completely gone. Buck, her baby brother, always managed to bring it back out of her.

After roughly a decade and a half with Doug, the last three with zero contact with Buck (except Christmas cards), she was able to jump back into her special blend of physical affection and acts of service. (With some road bumps here and there. She was still suffering some PTSD after she left : the Christmas tree debacle, the broken glass flashback, the stalking incident where she tried to save a DV victim.)

But in LA, with Buck, she was finally able to get away from Doug and actually meet people outside of her workspace. To make friends and extend her family. To find real love in many different shapes and forms. And, she got to love Buck again, just like before.

Buck loves her, too.

Like I said, Buck learned his major love language from watching Maddie. He finds ways to show people he cares about them through (you already know this) acts of service.

This is especially prevalent when faced with the source of their grievance, their parents. They approach them as a "united front" and promise to have each other's backs.

Which they do. Maddie comforts Buck with a gentle hand on his arm after he was visibly stressed just seconds before he greeted his parents with a (fake) smile. Buck consistently defends Maddie from his parents' backhanded commentary. At one point he even blends a little physical affection in there like she does, just to push the point he's making. He slaps Chim's leg to emphasize he is the good man Maddie has found to have a child with. That he is proud and happy for them both.

After moving past the revelations, the betrayal, and the blame, Maddie finally feels fully connected to Buck again and clings to him.

Before I go on about acts of service, there's an important (maybe the most important) thing I need to point out about Buck and physical touch.

I've said before that Buck absolutely adores physical affection, especially in group settings. Gathering around a laptop to tease Bobby about his dating profile. Winding his arms around his team in a giant group hug.

These people are his family. He loves them. And when they participate in close contact activities like these, he knows he's welcome. Explicit consent isn't exactly needed, it's implied by the gathering itself. (To think what would happen if he was ever rejected from a group hug. The agony. Also don't think about the metaphorical implication of this when Bobby wouldn't let him come back to work and even covered his name plate with "Bosko" instead. Food for thought.)

It's when physical affection turns to physical comfort that things change. He doesn't really respond, almost ever. And that's probably due to his parents. (Shocker.)

These screenshots are all from Buck Begins and What's Your Grievance, the introduction, background, and conclusion (hopefully) to the Buckley parents within the show. (Can't stand them.)

They actually make direct parallels between Buck's parents and Buck's chosen parental figures, Athena and Bobby.

We see Bobby's very first interaction with Buck where he affectionately welcomes Buck to the 118, putting a hand on his shoulder, and Buck is ecstatic. This is compared to his father's greeting of a quick pat on the shoulder, which Buck returns with a (fake) smile. He already knows there's no love behind this touch, so it is hardly considered affection.

Arguably, all of the physical touches after the fire (panels 4,5,6,9, and 10) evoke about the same response from him : Nothing. Because these are physical comforts centered around Buck, where he is the focus and in some form of mental distress. Basically, he's not the one giving the comfort (where he can also take comfort in the relief of having the person close), he's receiving it. It's just about him.

There wasn't enough comfort in his youth to build an emotional tie to these gestures. (Again, rare from his parents and Maddie's touches were affectionate or perceived as service.) Which is why he doesn't typically seek them out.

Instead, it's the words of affirmation that differentiate these interactions. That actually affect Buck.

Compare his conversation with Athena to the one with his mother while he struggles to understand who he is. Athena moves in, pats his knee, and tells him he is someone who never gives up. Margaret holds his hands and tells him he was born to save people.

These are clearly two very different perspectives of him. One is by a woman who didn't even like him at first, but saw him grow and mature. She grew to respect and love the man he is now. The other woman is essentially a stranger with context. They're barely in each other's lives and hold no positive baggage. It might be unfair, but it sounds like she's asking forgiveness by justifying her actions as some fated reason to his existence.

Finally, it circles back to acts of service. After everything they went through as kids, Buck breaks and finally tells them exactly what he expected from them. What he needed them to do all along. To love him anyways.

When he messed up, when he was stubborn and frustrating, exhausting, he needed them to love him anyways. Could they please do this for him.

Well, he never had to ask that of the 118.

Yes, he's messed up. Yes, he's needed more chances to prove himself. But he doesn't ask for forgiveness or love. They just give it to him anyways.

Even when he goes against orders (again) and gets caught alone in an impossible situation, his family runs in to help him. They don't scream and berate him for being reckless, they take care of him and make sure he's alright. They love him. And he's never had to ask them to.

To summarize the physicality of it, this is Buck:

If it seems a little complex, that's because Buck went from a low physical environment to a high physical environment, and he's comfortable in the way he navigates it, so it's stayed this way for the most part(<- Christopher post) even after all these years.

What is shifting and actively being challenged is his relationship with acts of service.

Buck saw himself as lost in life. He knew he had a "purpose", a service he could provide to tell him he's worth something, but he didn't know what yet. When Maddie pushed all of her love onto him and gave him her jeep so he could escape, he extended that service right back to her, telling her to come with him.

Her rejection (that he didn't know Doug violently influenced) hurt him, but he still kept in contact with her through post cards. He went through a number of service jobs from working in construction, on a ranch, in a bar, even trying to join the Navy Seals at one point. None of them gave him the fulfillment he was searching for. Until he joined the 118.

Even after three years of radio silence, Buck convinced Maddie to stay with him in LA, offering his home where he could keep her safe. He helped her move into her own apartment when she decided she needed her own place, to stand on her own feet.

They were the first people to truly have the other's back, and that relationship has withstood everything. It's when they apply those services to other relationships that they struggle.

A prominent example being how Buck approaches helping his family in 3x10 vs 5x05.

In 3x10, the year has been rough and they're all set to work Christmas day. As much as they'd like to be with their families, they have a job that needs to be done. Buck works with Athena to get everyone to the station for a giant surprise celebration. And it works. Christmas is saved.

Now, in 5x05, Buck is putting a lot of unnecessary blame onto himself for several things that were simply out of his control. He sees himself as a key cause in the breaking of the 118 and decides he should transfer. His mind processes this as "let me do this for you," to help his family, even if it costs him one of his greatest joys in life. Thankfully, they talk him out of it.

Maddie does this, too, in 5x03 by leaving Jee in order to protect her. Their services are wonderful and bright until they believe they are the issue. And with the self esteem their parents instilled in them, negative outcomes were bound to happen.

To focus on Buck, he's been shown struggling with his love language throughout the show. There is a consistent battle of him trying to balance the selfless act of serving others and the selfish love he takes from doing it.

He finds purpose in being a firefighter, but needs to find the line where he knows he matters outside of the uniform. He loves helping people, but in fighting for that right, he hurts the family around him. He's been accused of "making everything about him" multiple times. And yes, he absolutely relates in these situations, but he's also genuinely trying to help and understand the person he's talking about.

And the reason why he's struggling is actually pretty simple. Buck didn't have people he cared about before. Other than Maddie, of course.

He went from his parents' house to running all over the country, not exactly setting down roots and building relationships. By the time he's at the 118, he's having a string of flings, getting fired, then not fired, taking responsibility for his actions, and that's all just in the first episode. (Ah, season 1. Such a strange place.)

Basically, he's growing into it. Learning how to extend his service beyond Maddie and strangers. It works well so often, of course he's not gonna have a ton of practice on how to sense something might go wrong, or know what to do when it does. And every relationship offers a different dynamic, so he has to learn to navigate that as well. It just takes time. And learning from mistakes, which he does.

Same with Maddie, being free from Doug and moving to a city with so many new people to interact with. Things were bound to change along the way.

TLDR : Maddie and Buck's relationship with their major love language, acts of service, has evolved over time, and will likely keep evolving as they're challenged by new situations in the future.

I don't speak about any of these characters in absolutes because new experiences can and have shifted their dynamics already. People are not set in stone. And I would cry happy tears to see all 911 characters experience love in every positive shape and form.

#...I've been waiting for this point. Now that I've established the major love languages for the characters #i get to talk about buddie next :))#911 fox #911 on fox #evan buck buckley #maddie buckley #buckley siblings #buckley parents #f*ck those people #character analysis #love languages #acts of service #physical affection #give me a few days. my brain is so tired after this one hahahah #physical comfort #thank god this show encourages therapy

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occult-roommates · 9 months

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A rotten corrupt world

After the banquet came Giuseppe's speech. He was going to do some emergency PR for himself trying to explain what was going on with that whole Delfina Baradoz situation. She had been invited to the summit, but had denied the invitation for some odd reason, so she wasn't even there to defend herself, it's perfect.

Giuseppe: Yes, Delfina, or Delphine as I call her, is my daughter. However, I would never try to hide one of my children, especially one who obviously look so much like me. You see, it all started when I married Gwenaelle Lorgn-

In the middle of his sentence, he was interrupted by Daniele, bursting into the conference room enraged. He ran towards the podium and punched his former childhood hero straight on the nose.

Daniele: Outta my way, old man!

Once the old spellcaster was on the ground, Daniele threw a temporary paralysis spell at him. It should last around only five minutes, but he still won't have much time to do his speech before security shows up.

Daniele: Hi everyone. My name is Daniele. I was born in Tartosa in the powerful Rossini family 23 years ago. When I was 12, I was diagnosed with progressive magic degeneration, and while my parents never claimed I was dead, they like to pretend that I am.

He quickly scanned the room and noticed standing in the very back, Dawud, Gwenn and Adem. They were just there, hoping they wouldn't get noticed by any of the staff or worse, by Giuseppe himself.

Daniele: I knew spellcasters with my disease or a similar to mine, or who were straight up born without powers, were treated horribly, but I didn't realize the extent of it until recently. Our society truly is vile towards our most vulnerable. I know we are all traumatized to a degree about being mistreated by humans, even by other occults sometime, but we need to understand that ironically, there is more to being a spellcaster than casting spells. I mean, do you really think humans see me as one of them?

He took a moment to catch his breath, then continued.

Daniele: People with my condition who have more typical spellcaster traits such as say, purple hair, don't even lose their traits! Hell, a few months ago we had a case of a young human man becoming a spellcasters, we're not as different as we claim to be. We like to claim we're different species, but we're clearly not like...just the fact we can have children with each other should be a big enough proof. We're all homo sapiens, we're all people. It's just that some of us can do magic, some of us grow fish tails underwater, some of us are half-bat, some of us turn into wolf during the full moon and some of us have dragonfly wings. Fuck, I'd even say we're all humans, how come us occults can't even get that words even though we objectively are human being too? Like, we're complacent in our literal dehumanization. This whole division thing is stupid, you realize a woman whose goal was literally to create peace between humans and spellcasters was demonize to hell and back like holy fuck! And it's not human who were demonizing her, I'm just saying. I understand, like I said, humans have mistreated us for centuries, I'm not forgiving them for that, but at least, can we just not let this pent up anger be redirected towards people like me or Delfina. Please.

Gwenn and Adem looked around, people were looking at them. Seems like they weren't that subtly hidden after all. Though, there was one person with them that hadn't been mentionned yet.

Daniele: And like, proof we're not so different, both "regular" humans and spellcasters get mad when we start dating each other, or if we fall in love with other occults. A-A-And...I no longer care that you're human, Dawud, I love you.

Dawud turned bright red, and was now totally outed as a human to the rest of the crowd who had no idea who he is. He literally did not know how to respond. The guy really made a whole speech, a poignant speech in spite of it being improvised on the spot, begging for acceptance to his community, a speech which might go down in spellcasting history even, and then ended it with a gay love confession.

Adem: Dude, I think he might be talking about you.

Dawud: Y-Yeah.

Anyway, he would not have the time to give Daniele an answer live, as security barged in right after. Even if one of them secretly agreed with the speech, he started it by punching an old guy unprovoked.

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#ts4 #sims 4 #the sims 4 #simblr #ts4 simblr #sims story #sims 4 story #ts4 story #occult roommates #daniele rossini #giuseppe paradisi #dawud sahan #gwenn lorgnez #adem zaoui #OcRo s2 #long post

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stinkbrat · 2 years

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This is too long winded to truly get into tbh but like I feel like.. a lot of my life I get stuck in this rotten little area where I figure something out (like being trans or autistic) just before the crux of the "so many people are this now, it's such a trend, it's detracting from ppl that are actually suffering" and every time it happens I feel like i personally am the problem and that i must be wrong and it holds me back from exploring or addressing things because im "probably faking it because im sure i would KNOW"

Like it just leaves me feeling like I have to either suppress what I now have access to and "bottle it up" or just know fully I won't be taken seriously, even in safe spaces, when i talk about it.

Specifically too though like... I am diagnosed with autism right I have my letter and accommodations (not that they get met) but like. Diagnosed! And yet the resistance of ppl treating it like it's trendy (it's not) and insisting that not this many ppl can have it (they can) instead of realizing it just means more ppl have been suffering from it and deserve the space to exist within it?? Idk my ass ends up seeing the angry ppl posting that ppl have to stop "treating it like its cute" and I get so flustered because I'm like "ur right I should have never sought out my psychiatrist and tricked her into diagnosing me with something that only other people suffer from because it sounded fun" when I'm one of the lucky few to actually get tested and diagnosed!!!! And if I'm still capable of performing mental gymnastics to villanize myself, then I know that younger ppl are going through it much worse and its gonna set them back 1000 years in their coping and recovering process.. Idk its not my responsibility but the conversation is extremely difficult between "I've suffered my whole life from this and always had the word to throw my hate and anger at so when you say you have it but don't seem pissed off or ruined the way i feel, I get upset therefore you all have to stop acting like it's a trend" and "I've suffered my whole life from this and since I wasn't diagnosed I didn't have a word to throw the hatred at so I just directed it internally at me being stupid and broken so I'm celebrating this thing that has largely made my life impossible and that probably seems pretty offensive to the ppl that had the opportunity to know what it was the whole time" without it sounding like you're patronizing the other group of people under your umbrella or acting like the other group is wrong or privileged (when neither are neither)

Idk It applies to so many parts of my life (ur not REALLY trans if your not trying to "pass" or have bad enough dysphoria) and I'm so so tired of seeing both sides without anyone bothering to represent the middle: some of the things are going to get cutesyfied due to the pervasive nature of social media and pop culture but taking it out on people that are fresh into discovering, exploring, growing, and/or learning about themselves and saying they haven't suffered enough to be able to talk about it openly is not the answer CHIEFS...

Tldr that one meme with the mirror about calling ppl ugly when it only affects the ppl around you, not the people that are going to do wrong no matter what you say. Ultimately There's no right or wrong way to suffer or to cope and you're always going to alienate someone when you try to talk openly about it but talking openly about it is all there is to do so....I guess we will just die

#5hats so many words ive just been #processing #i have unfortunately not been able to attend therapy anymore so i have to do this all on my own now

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gay-kurapika · 6 months

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God I just had the most infuriating dream of all time and I honestly think it was incredibly indicative of how I feel other people have treated me in regards to my sexual trauma and ptsd that resulted from it. The ptsd that literally didn't get diagnosed until this fucking year despite the events happening 10 years ago because I literally couldn't talk about what happened unless I was drunk because I kept repressing it, pretending it didn't happen the way I remember it happening, or finding ways to think of it as my own fault, despite the fact that there is no logical way this was my fault.

In the dream, I was in college, in a creative writing class. Instead of being where I was at emotionally in college, denial, I was where im at now, out of denial but still uncomfortable talking about what happened. And in this class there was this rich boy whose family had sway with the school, so for some reason he got to plan the lesson on the first day and subsequently the first project, which involved writing a story based on your emotional reaction after playing a "game" in which you relived something painful (like you could physically see the memory replaying) in front of the class, so everyone else saw it too. What played for him was like him feeling rejected by his parents for not being artsy instead of a business major. What played for me was really obvious. And the class was like lauding him as a tortured genius, the teacher was sucking up to him, and I was fucking pissed because I had just had to relive my sexual trauma for a fucking school project and yet my story wasn't good enough, wasn't acknowledged, wasn't moving enough? Was too "unclear"? Because it wasn't obvious and artistic, it just fucking sucked? Like I'm so sorry my trauma wasn't interesting enough for you! So in the dream I got into this huge argument with him about the "game" and how he was a misogynist. I didn't hold back, I said everything I hated about him. And when I turned in my writing project, I learned all of our projects were being submitted into some kind of national contest, and mine won. The kicker was that in the dream, he was pissed about not winning. He was supposed to win, entitled to the win by the school for being rich and making up the project. So the teacher said before the paper was published i had to include a reference to this boy that basically thanked him and made him seem really great. Not as a forward, which I suggested, but within the actual body of the text that was literally about my own emotions regarding my trauma. I was supposed to make him the hero of that somehow. Of course because this is a dream he was slowly morphing into the person who sexually assaulted me in the first place, so this was them asking me to write the man who assaulted me into the hero of my own story. I woke up while I was arguing with the dean about this in a room that had his father, the dean, him, and the male teacher, and when I was pointing out that I couldn't thank him in the body of the text without the story no longer being about my trauma I heard his dad scoff behind me about the word "trauma" and I woke up because I was literally so pissed off I couldn't stay asleep. But like, this is a bizarrely accurate way of how I feel people have treated my trauma since I've begun to acknowledge it. It fucked up my fucking life, but no one takes it seriously. My therapist wasn't even letting me talk about it, she was teaching me techniques to not think about it, which is what I've done for the last 10 fucking years, and I don't want to shut up about it anymore!!! And when I told my mom I couldn't tell her the full truth about who did it because I knew she wouldn't believe me or take it seriously, despite the fact that I was so messed up from this mentally that it took 7 years before I slept with anyone ever again because I had a fear reaction to anything more than a peck on the lips, and still fucking do. How is that not real enough? It had real fucking consequences! God I hate dreams how the fuck am I supposed to get back to sleep now I'm fucking pissed.

#ugh and i like. didnt want to revisit these memories

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cornerofhell · 1 year

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i didn't know you had a jack frost oc. when you say she turned whaddya mean ??? :0

OOOOOH hooo hoo hooooooo you have opened ze floodgates my dear!!!

Alright. So in order to explain her turning we'd have to explain a bit about Crystal.

Crystal was raised by her poor mother in the shady place of Snowmonton. Crystal saw a LOT of bad stuff. They were finally starting to do well, so much so that Crystal wanted to start college when she was in her 30s until Miriam, Crystal's mother, was diagnosed with cancer.

To help out, Crystal got more jobs to help pay for medical bills and in doing so got a job as a worker at Mrs Puttle's. There she met the owner, Jack Frost.

He was a smartass, pervy, had a temper, yet had his moments of gentle.

Crystal felt an allure to him and his not so subtle flirting showed his allure to her. But she tried not to show it out of stubborness.

One night one of Crystal's coworkers at the pie place tried to make a move on her while she was going home and Jack, who had also been leaving at the time, beat the fuck out of him.

Jack walked her to her car and Crystal gave him her number, "just in case"

The two began to date and fall in love. Jack helped pay for Miriam's chemo, and spoiled Crystal with things she'd always wanted, all while they got to know each other and bantered.

And then she found out about the murders. And she... Stayed quiet. Jack was one of the few people who had actually treated her like a damn person. Sure he could be a dick but he was HERS.

So she stayed quiet.

When Jack was finally arrested, he told everyone that no one else knew, to save Crystal from jail time. Crystal was heartbroken, and even more so at the announcement of the execution. She visited him a few times in prison, and he always told her he'd find a way to get out and run off with her.

Soon the car crash happened and Crystal heard of Jack's "death". She hardly went outside besides work and she would often be completely silent. It got to the point where she decided to move to a different town.

Meanwhile, something else was occuring. See, in this version of events, Stone didn't die. Instead he moved to another town- Crystal's new one, and decided to help Jack, including on the island with the snowballs, for a deal.

Jack gets tests done on him, and Stone lures people in for Jack to happily kill. A win-win scenario.

Jack has tried to visit Crystal's apartment, but it was empty, hurting him deeply, but then again she thought he was dead.

One night, Crystal was leaving her job as a waitress. Stone saw her, and thought of her to use for Jack. He lured her over with begging of "help my child is missing" and when her back was turned, WHAM! Knocked her out with a wrench.

Unfortunately, Stone hit her much too hard. She was brought back to the home Stone owned with Jack (to keep a low profile) and Jack was mortified when he saw who Stone had brought back.

He began to yell, enraged, telling the scientist to wake her up, NOW.

Stone tried, confused, but then they both froze- Crystal was dead.

Immediately Stone began trying cpr, but it wasn't working at all. The brain had been hit too hard- until Jack did something that'd change forever.

He grabbed one of the nearby test tubes that Stone had been trying out with Jack's DNA- and shoved the liquid down Crystal's throat.

Within a few seconds, the woman began to change in front of them. Her once dark hair was now turning whiter than the Arctic. Her skin began to pale. She became cold as ice.

And then her eyes opened, her sceleras pitch black, and her irises an icy blue.

#horror #slashers #jackfrost1997 #jackfrostmutantkillersnowman #jack frost #crystal cleopatra winters #crystal cleopatra frost #horror oc #oc

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ohsilverplease · 2 years

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I could, no smarm intended, use your thoughts and prayers and good vibes and whatever other positive things you can beam into the universe and point my way.

My mom is in the hospital, at the care level below ICU, with fluid around her heart and lungs. She was diagnosed with COPD and asthma this summer and I guess she never fully recovered from the pneumonia she also had at that point. She's awake (well I haven't talked to her today but we texted some last night) but we don't know next steps yet.

Older Bro has been visiting my parents for a week but had to fly back this morning (out of DC, a 4-hour drive from their house). Dad was driving him to the airport and stopped at my house at 2 am to drop off the dog (who belongs to my cousin, who just had back surgery so we are fostering one of his pups). Dog escaped before they even made it through the gate, while I was still sleeping. I woke up at 3 to pee, thought "hmm I thought they'd have been here an hour ago" and they drove up a minute later to say they'd been chasing her for 45 minutes and had to leave soon or Bro would miss his flight. They were going to take one more lap around the neighborhood but every time they'd gotten close to her, she'd run off because she thought it was a game. She's a black husky so being out at night was especially hard to see.

So I put my shoes and jacket on over my sheep pajamas, grabbed a flashlight and some treats, and headed out on foot just to see if she'd come for me. Luckily she'd been at my house a few times so at least maybe there would be familiar smells or whatever. I was going to put out food and water but I'd just seen a possum next door so I just put out water. (I am such a bad storyteller, these details are irrelevant, but it's really just for me.) So I walk to the end of my street, towards the busy road (which wasn't bad at 3 am obviously but there were a few cars). I saw a car pulled on the wrong side of the road and headed towards it, and then thought "what if this ISN'T my dad and brother and I'm heading to my doom" but then I heard them whistle and saw the pup run in front of the headlights. So we spent another 5 minutes trying to get her to stop for a treat, which she did, but darted away when I tried to grab her and ran up across the road to the woods.

So Dad and Bro left, frustrated and scared and also trying to get to the airport on time. I said I'd walk the block back home because it's safe enough, and as I'm walking back a car honks and some guy yells "your dog is in the middle of the road" and then she ran off ahead of me and turned onto my street and stopped to sniff and took a treat from me and let me put the leash on her. I kept giving her treats till we got inside, and then elatedly texted Dad and Bro so they could stop worrying. She drank a bunch of water and we went to bed at like 4.

Anyway, burying the lede here, but I have covid -- symptoms started 8 days ago, I tested negative the first 2 days, went about my business thinking I had a cold, and then tested positive on Monday. So I'm working from home, still congested, more fatigued than usual, and extra worried from lack of sleep and the fact that my dad didn't come back by here yet. He may have gone straight home but that would add an extra hour maybe for him to get to the hospital to see mom, but I'm not sure what time she can have visitors or anything. And I guess he doesn't want to spend time here that might cause him to transmit covid (even though he had it in August) considering he might be spending a lot of time at the hospital soon.

Anyway again. I have to take cupcakes to the office for a baby shower because I'm dumb and can't ask for help. Someone will meet me at the car so I don't infect anyone but I should have just done this differently. I'm so tired. I think C is coming over this afternoon; he also probably has covid now. Everything is just a lot.

#cw hospital #covid mention

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highwaytothedangerzone502 · 2 years

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India Lima Yankee - Chapter 5

Pairing: Rooster x Female OC

Word Count: 2587

Warnings: None

Summary: Juliette Kazansky discovers Maverick is back in town for a special training detachment, but she's more than a little blindsided when her Rooster arrives too. Having not spoken to him for almost ten years after their less than amicable break-up, Juliette can only imagine how the next few weeks are going to play out when she remains head over heels in love with him while he wants nothing to do with Juliette other than to forget her.

Or so she thinks.

Notes: Chapters in italics are flashbacks.

Chapter Songs: Rumors Salute Dark Horse

Chapters: Chp 1 Chp 2 Chp 3 Chp 4 Chp 5 Chp 6 Chp 7 Chp 8 Chp 9 Chp 10 Chp 11 Chp 12 Chp 13 Chp 14 Chp 15 Chp 16 Chp 17 Chp 18 Chp 19 Chp 20 Chp 21 Chp 22 Chp 23

"How do I look, boys?" Juliette inquired, looking at her dogs through the mirror she twisted in front of to assess her outfit. "Too much? Too little? Just right?"

Lightning, always the vocal one, barked in response. Raptor wagged his tail. Juliette took their reactions as signs of approval. She admired the military green business dress, cinched at the waist with a matching fabric belt, and paired with bronze peep toe stilettos with the famous red-bottom soles. Something about the brand gave Juliette confidence whenever she needed a boost. Add in her ever-perfectly curled hair, winged eyeliner, and a bronze smoky eye to match her shoes, even Juliette had to admit the outfit was fire.

"All right, momma has to go to work," Juliette said, grabbing her purse and keys." Do you two hooligans want to come? Or do you want to go see grandpa?"

At the word" grandpa," the dogs jumped up, bouncing up and down. Ever since her father was diagnosed the third time with throat cancer, Raptor and Lightning had been attached to his hip whenever they were around him, almost like they sensed his ailing health. Iceman adored the dogs as much as they did him and was more than thrilled whenever his daughter asked him to watch them.

Juliette drove to her parent's house and dropped Raptor and Lightning off. When Iceman saw his daughter, he raised his eyebrows with evident surprise and no small amount of amusement. Juliette frowned and said, "Put those back down. I'm about to be in the presence of the best of the best. I need to look my best."

Iceman nodded, but his daughter suspected he didn't quite believe her explanation to be the whole truth. It wasn't, but Juliette would never admit to that. Kissing her father on the cheek, she hurried to her car and to the base. Being a constant presence there, along with her father being the Admiral, Juliette had no trouble clearing security. She arrived well ahead of everyone else. The only person who beat her was Hondo, who she found setting up the training area with chairs and tables and playing some hits from the 2000s.

"Well, what do we have here," he said when Juliette approached. "If you're not a sight for sore eyes, I don't know what is. How are you doing, Princess?"

"Hondo!" Juliette exclaimed, thrilled to see Maverick's right-hand man and chuckling at the unofficial callsign she'd developed on base. At first, it'd annoyed her, but she came to develop a fondness for it the more the soldiers treated her like one when they realized she wasn't just the Admiral's daughter. They quickly discovered Juliette could hold her own and hold it well.

"How've you been?" Juliette asked, enjoying the bear hug Hondo gave her. She always said if he'd become an aviator, his callsign would've been Papa Bear.

"Well, the stress from being friends with Mav hasn't killed me yet, so I'm good," he joked.

She grinned. "I heard about the encounter with Cain. I would've paid good money to see his face."

"I'm sure I can find security footage of it somewhere for you. I'll even let you see it for free if you tell me why you're all dolled up more than usual."

Juliette groaned, tilting her head back. "Seriously, I do my hair and makeup like this every day. Why are you and my dad acting as if this is the first time you've seen me like this?"

"I don't know. There's something about-" Hondo motioned with both hands at her ensemble- "that speaks 'I'm a boss ass bitch today' more so than usual."

Juliette burst out laughing. "As long as I always look like a boss ass bitch, that's all that matters."

"That goes without saying." Patting her affectionately on the shoulder, Hondo returned to setting up chairs, and Juliette assisted. They sang along to Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Backstreet Boys, NYSNC, and more. At one point, the Electric Slide came on, and both Hondo and Juliette found themselves dancing along to it. They only stopped when they heard voices coming from the hall. They swiftly ceased their entertainment and pretended like nothing happened, a good thing considering Warlock and Cyclone strode into the room a few seconds later. The latter zeroed in Juliette.

"Jules, I didn't know you were attending today," Cyclone said, not unkindly. If the man liked you, he loved you. If he didn't, he hated you. Being Iceman's only daughter, Juliette had an edge with favoritism with the vice admiral, even against her own brothers. "It's good to see you."

"Good to see you too, sir. Maverick invited me to join since I'm working on a new project for Lockheed," she replied, smiling sweetly at him. Juliette had to work it if she was going to convince the vice admiral to let her go up in the jets. "If possible, I'd like to go up during one of the flights today. It'd really help to have first-person experience."

Cyclone pondered her request for an agonizingly long time before finally conceding. "Very well. You can go up with Maverick since you're well-acquainted with him, or I can put you with Bradshaw."

"Seriously?" Juliette raised an eyebrow at him.

Cyclone, the ever-stoic soldier, cracked a smile. "Just trying to figure out why you got all dressed up when you were planning on going up in a plane today."

"If one more person comments about my appearance today, I'm going to commandeer one of these jets and shoot them with it," Juliette threatened, clenching her jaw in frustration and placing her hands on her hips.

"You could stab them with your shoe too," Hondo suggested, gesturing at her stilettos.

Juliette nodded in agreement. "The blood would blend in with the red sole. Thanks for the idea, Hondo."

"I'm very disturbed by how casual you both made that sound," Cyclone remarked, his expression more than a little mortified. "I'm also now debating whether you should be let in a plane today."

Juliette pursed her lips. "… I promise I won't shoot anyone with it if you do."

"Or stab them with your shoes?"

"The heels aren't sharp enough anyways, so yes, your pilots are safe."

"Much appreciated. You can kill any of them after this special training detachment ends. I'll probably want you to."

Juliette grinned. "I'm holding you to that."

Cyclone nodded, clapped her on the shoulder, and fell back into his stoic expression, which seemed to always be edged with constant, mild exasperation. Hondo and Warlock followed him. Juliette remained put, scanning over her notes spread out neatly on the table to figure out the areas she needed to work on. Juliette kept a careful eye on the pilots trickling into the room, however. Some she recognized, others she didn't, but Juliette truthfully only cared about one, and it wasn't the one that approached her.

"Good morning, sweetheart," Hangman drawled, sidling up to her. Juliette hated how good his cologne smelled because it made it difficult to concentrate. "Wasn't expecting to see you here?"

"Last minute invite. Perks of being the Admiral's daughter, I guess," she responded casually, deciding to keep her relationship with their trainer a secret for now. Plus, she desperately wanted to see the cocky look evaporate on Hangman's face when he realized precisely who he threw 'overboard' last night.

Behind him, Juliette clocked Bradley entering the room with Phoenix and Bob. She hurriedly shifted her attention back to Hangman, who continued speaking, "Last minute, and you still manage to look like a model?"

She sighed. The Lord was testing Juliette's patience today, and she regretted agreeing to Cyclone's terms. Could he not have waited until after Hangman arrived to make them? "I dress like this all the time for work."

"Who do you work for?" Hangman queried, shifting closer to her.

"Lockheed. I'm going up with one of you today to get some first-hand experience to try and give me some ideas for a project I'm working on."

"Sharp in dress and in mind. You're a girl after my own heart."

"And how many girls have you told that to?" Juliette countered in amused exasperation as she collected her papers and placed them in her purse. "You should go sit down before Cyclone catches you flirting with me."

"Yes, ma'am," he said, giving her a two-finger salute. Winking, he strolled off to the front of the room and took a seat. Juliette went to stand next to Hondo. He raised eyebrows and subtly glanced over at Hangman. Juliette shook her head and muttered 'don't ask.' The last thing she needed was for it to get back to her dad that the pilots were focusing more on her than the mission. She scanned the room to see if they were missing anyone other than the man of the hour, careful to avoid having her gaze land on Bradley despite the fact all Juliette wanted to do was look at him ever since he walked into the room. The past nine years had been kind to him, and if possible, he'd become even more handsome. Juliette had never been a fan of mustaches, but she'd be damned if she said Bradley didn't pull it off unnaturally well. Juliette also couldn't help but think how much he resembled his father now. As a young kid, he'd always taken on more after his mom, but now, he could be his father's twin.

Warlock took to the podium and began speaking. Noticing everyone paying attention to him, Juliette caved to her desire and finally looked at Bradley. He watched Warlock with the innocence of someone who had no idea the man he despised would be joining them in mere seconds. That not only would the man who set him back four years be speaking, but he'd be training them. Bradley wouldn't take it well, and Juliette cringed inwardly at how the fractured relationship would play out. She'd thought about warning him last night, but he'd been having fun with his fellow aviators? Why ruin it with the knowledge? He wouldn't have slept if he knew, and Juliette wanted Bradley at the top of his game.

"I give you Captain Pete Mitchell, callsign: Maverick," Warlock announced as her uncle strode down the aisleway towards the podium. Juliette's gaze flicked over to Hangman, who, by now, recognized Maverick. He hurriedly turned around and pinched the bridge of his nose. Juliette bit back a smile, glad to see some of the arrogance knocked out of the aviator before he'd even taken flight. Her gaze returned to Bradley, whose hopeful expression had been wiped away. To those who didn't know him, they'd seen an emotionless man, but Juliette knew better. She saw the fury alight in his eyes as he turned his head to stare out at the F-18s. Unfortunately, Bradley must've sensed her watching him because his gaze met hers, and suddenly, Juliette was transported back to the last time they'd been together as a couple. The look of utter betrayal in his brown eyes usually filled with love and warmth, the seething rage rolling off of his trembling body, the hurtful truths he shouted at her, the overwhelming guilt that-

"The F-18 NATOPS," Maverick said, pulling Juliette out of her spiraling memories. She tore her gaze from Bradley as her uncle patted the thick manual. "Contains everything they want you to know about your aircraft. I'm assuming you know the book inside and out."

There was a chorus of yeses, a few 'damn rights' and a 'damn straight' from Hangman. Maverick glanced over at Juliette. She gave him an encouraging smile and the smallest of nods: You've got this.

Maverick dropped the manual in the trash bin beside him. "So does your enemy."

"And we're off," Hondo said under his breath.

"But what the enemy doesn't know," Maverick continued, staring down each and every pilot, "is your limits. I intend to find them, test them, push beyond. Today we'll start with what you only think you know. You show me what you're made of. Any questions?"

A guy in the front raised his hand. Juliette recognized him as Reuben Fitch, a.k.a. Payback. Maverick motioned for him to speak. "May I ask who she is?"

The pilot turned to Juliette, and suddenly, the entire room's attention shifted to her. Keeping calm and relaxed, she answered, "My name is Juliette Kazansky. I'm a representative from Lockheed. I'll be going up with Maverick to gain some insight into the planes you're flying to help with a project I'm working on."

Juliette saw the familiar flash of disbelief that she, the girl with the perfect hair and makeup, could handle going up in a fighter jet. Rather than confronting him about it, she kept silent. Juliette would find a way to get back at them later and show them precisely how capable she was.

"Good to have you here, Juliette," Maverick said, smiling at her. "Everyone, suit up and be ready in fifteen. Dismissed."

Juliette gathered her things and followed Cyclone to get her flight suit. She'd done it so many times that she rivaled the pilots in getting ready timewise. Juliette even had her own helmet, a graduation present from her father and Maverick, who somehow managed to convince the Navy to create a helmet just for her with 'Princess' for the callsign. She'd had a say in creating it, and the helmet had Maverick's design with her father's colors, an homage to the men she looked up to the most.

Juliette found Maverick waiting for her in the training area, all geared up.

"You ready?" He asked as they headed towards the plane.

"Always," she answered, adrenaline pumping through her veins from excitement. It disappeared when she saw Bradley up ahead of them. Maverick stared at him, and Juliette saw the longing in her uncle's eyes.

"Go talk to him," Juliette encouraged. "At least see if you can get him to be open to putting things aside for this mission. It'll do neither of you any good to be all tensed up around each other."

Maverick hesitated, then called out, "Rooster!"

No response.

"Bradley," Maverick tried again, walking a little faster. Juliette let him go ahead of her. This was between the two men. She and Bradley had nothing to say to each other. They'd let it all out nine years ago.

When Bradley still didn't respond to Maverick, her uncle called out firmly, "Lieutenant Bradshaw!"

Bradley finally stopped and turned around. Juliette, although she couldn't see his eyes behind the dark lenses of his aviators, could sense him watching her walk by. She didn't dare look over at him, keeping her head high as she strode to Maverick's plane. Beside her were Payback and his WSO, Fanboy. The latter jested playfully, "You ever been up in a jet before-" he glanced at her helmet- "Princess?"

"A few times," she lied innocently. "I'm looking forward to going up in one again. Good luck, you two!"

You're going to need it. Juliette thought snarkily as she climbed up into the jet. She readied herself and had just settled in when Maverick arrived. Seeing the drawn look on his face, Juliette could tell the talk didn't go as well as he'd hoped. "You good, Mav?"

"Yeah. You ready?" Maverick answered, turning around to look at her.

Juliette flicked her gaze over to Payback and Fanboy's plane, which was pulling out onto the taxiway. Returning her attention to Maverick, she said, "Let's give them hell."

***

Tags: @lgg5989 @shanimallina87

#top gun #maverick #rooster #hangman #phoenix #bradley bradshaw #iceman #jake seresin #bob #top gun 2 #top gun maverick #payback #fanboy #coyote #fanfics #fanfiction #india #lima #yankee #romance

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