nothing i do or take fills the hole inside me :(

source

its a mitski kinda night

I'm sad. Time to watch Brohood again

i cant honestly feel any point in celebrating christmas right now. not on a personal scale not on a global scale the reminders of christmas today are just painful. everything is horrible and painful and has been for months and its hard to find joy in anything or for it to be feel right to find joy in anything. i dont know what we are supposed to do right now. i dont know how were supposed to feel or how were supposed to keep going

This is kind of long and it's me getting things out. Scroll past if you don't want to read about medical stuff, or declining health of aging parents, or failures of the medical system, or the feeling of personal failures in the face of all of this.

My mom isn't doing well.

I've been living with her for three years now, after losing my job during the pandemic. She had recently been diagnosed with end stage renal failure and needed dialysis three days a week, which really tired her out, so she needed help, and I didn't have a job. So I've been her caregiver for that time. Helping with shopping and meals and appointments and so on. August 1st, she had a stroke, primarily affecting the language centers of her brain, and making speech difficult. She seemed okay when I got up that day but by the time I did my morning routine (teeth brushing etc) she wasn't talking properly and we went to the nearest ER. Since then she's been in neuro ICU, post-stroke rehab, and a short-term care center, for therapy and recovery. Except she was fighting some terrible lower back pain that was making it very difficult for her to do her PT, then getting to the point she was bedridden.

Myself, and her brother and sister-in-law (who are our neighbors), agitated for diagnostics of what was going on with her back pain. They did an xray with "no significant findings" and prescribed oxycodone for pain management. We tried to get a CT scan or MRI or something like that for her and nothing happened, as she was transferred from rehabilitation to short-term care, and short-term care just kept up the narcotics. Well. Now she's in ICU again. CT scan, MRI, and bloodwork revealed that she has osteomyelitis of the lumbar vertebrae -- an infection in the bone/bone marrow of her lower back. There's actually an abcess there in her spine. That's what was causing the hideous pain. Osteomyelitis in the spine has a roughly 20% mortality rate. And Mom just isn't very healthy to begin with. She's a breast cancer survivor with osteoporosis as a result of her treatment. She has diabetes, with that effect on wound healing. She has the aforementioned end stage renal failure, so her kidneys don't work and her blood has to be filtered artificially three times a week. She has atherosclerosis (which may have caused the stroke) and has a stent in her heart, plus an artificial heart valve.

The doctors have said they don't like the look of the infection, and they don't feel she's a candidate for surgery to remove it, so it's going to be treated via antibiotics delivered via PICC for the next 6 weeks. But, it's sort of hanging there, that there's a solid chance she doesn't make it through this. And I just can't stop feeling as if I failed her, by not following through with the additional diagnostics, by not making myself such a pain in the ass that they did it to get me to shut up, and maybe found it sooner. Or that maybe I didn't even catch the stroke soon enough. Or who knows, maybe insurance denied the CT scan, or something like that. Just, that I'm supposed to be her caregiver, and yet, look. I don't know what I'm saying here other than just getting all of this out somewhere. But it sucks. The healthcare system sucks, insurance sucks, all of this sucks, and I just want my Mom.

Ain't nothing gonna break my stride

Ain't nothing gonna slow me down 😎

Aside from Dressia my other favourite problem character who i cant seem to develop a good arc for is Althia. Because, despit emy best efforts, Akila needs to die, is imperative for the Themes. But then it leaves Althia alone with a massive gaping void in her life. The obvious choice is her going a bit mad trying to revive Akila, but she witnessed what this same obsession did to her, and Althia wouldnt repeat the same mistakes.

I just dont know how she should move on after the first arc, should she learn to apreciatte the demons she still has around? double down on the anger now that Akila isnt here to direct and control it? Kill her on the first arc too so i dont have to think about this??

it's so unfair that the right words hit you at 2 am when your brain is shutting down and your body only wants to sleep while you would like to write a little more.

(last time i blinked it was 1:29 am. how is it 2:02 am already)

I had to say goodbye to a dear, very loved (animal) friend today. I feel like the color has faded out of everything.

I went with my ex to get the dog we adopted together put down. I feel gutted.

At least I got to say goodbye. She was so weak, but she wagged her tail so much when she saw me. She gave me one last kiss.

maybe i will become a recreational fagdyke maybe thats allowed maybe i am still evolving

I just wish so desperately to be anything but what i am now.

I feel as if every single person i know is disgusted by me, annoyed by me. I'm too loud, too big, I love too hard and feel too much. I grasp for things that aren't meant for me and then cry and wail when i break them.

I want to carve myself down into something loveable and move to a country where no one knows my name.

I need to utterly reforge myself.

Yeah I think I’m in a very bad depressive state

why cant the drawing im imagining just magically appear on the paper

why must i draw it myself

Ozzy Osbourne - Nothing Feels Right (2022)

having a horrible week i need gojo to protect me and cuddle me in the next 2 seconds or this will be my final straw 🥹

What the frickle frack was this entire year