trying to figure out how to change the size, you know, Diameter, of a brush with pen pressure in krita and every fucking tutorial is just like

"just check the size settings in the brushes and adjust it how you want! 💜💜"

and like. that literally isn't doing anything.

the fucking krita manual is not making fucking sense about this either and I just don't know how to make it work.

I just want to use pen pressure man.

Obey Me! NB boys: Who would most willingly have kids

(Note: NONE of them would ever pressure you into having kids. I'm saying this now so I don't have to repeat it every time.)

1.Beelzebub:

Any surprise here? I can't remember where I saw it, but I do remember seeing somewhere he said he'd love to start a family. If you don't ask him about kids, he might ask you, first. He'd be a great dad, too. He'd be calm, supportive, and his kids would always be well fed and have plenty of exercise. They'd grow up big and strong like him! :) He'd also do that thing when they're little (and when theyre grown, too) where He'd use them as weights to lift up while he does push ups. He'd also carry them on his back everywhere. If it's a baby, he'd be a little tired of having to get up every night to calm their screams, but he'd get used to it because he makes himself a deal: he'll just get a snack every time the baby cries at night. Speaking of if it's a baby, he'd be afraid he'd crush it at first, and refuse to hold them. But once he finally holds them, he refuses to let any stranger hold them. His biggest fear is his child not being safe. Protective Beel! Oh, and they'd get a LOT of visits from uncle Belphie.

2.Mammon

Ok, here me out- he'd essentially be Bandit from Bluey (Dont ask). He'd make sure his kids are clever and he'd most certainly teach them to gamble from a young age, and how to cheat. He'd be very over protective, but also really fun. His worst nightmare is his kids growing up to hate him. He'll never admit it, but he stops cheating so much to earn money. While he wants his kids to grow up learning how to make quick cash, deep down, he just wants them to be good kids. So he also tries to set a good example and work for his money. All his brothers are shocked, and they'll tease him for it. And of course, Mammon being Mammon, will deny deny deny! The brother that baby sits the most for him is probably Lucifer, actually. (He doesn't trust Mammon at first. Jk, he trusts Mammon a lot with this, actually.... mostly)

3. Satan

You may be thinking, 'Pen, you're absolutely stupid and don't know anything about OM!, nor how to write in character', and you may be right, but let me cook!

You see, Satan at first isn't too keen on the idea of a child. All they do is scream and cry shit themselves and eat then cry some more. And when they're a teenager, they'll just sass him. And he does NOT like the idea of that. But all you have to do is appeal. Example:

Tell him to imagine the following: A 4 or 5, maybe even 6 year old boy or girl that's a mini version of him. Running around the house of lamentation, screaming curses about Lucifer, who can't do anything because they're a child who doesn't know any better. They'd be able to get away with anything and he could use that to his advantage. Now he's hooked, and he'll think about it, but despite his hate for poor Luci, he's still aware that it's a lot of responsibility. Which is why you have to reassure him that that's why you'll raise the baby together. Plus, imagine taking the child to the library, reading to them. They get to develop their own personality. Which is when teenhood becomes fun, because it's not about the sass, it's about the fun personality they've developed.

His biggest fear for his child is his child becoming like him. He doesn't want that. He'd prefer his child become like Lucifer than to see himself in his child (though not by a lot) Oh, and he trusts Asmo enough to be super gentle with the child. (Mostly because he threatened to kill Asmo if the baby is hurt) but also because he knows that the baby would be in gentle hands!

4. Lucifer

Lucifer isn't so quick to agree for 2 reasons.

He's always busy, what if he ends up neglecting the child in favor of work? And then you'll end up taking care of the child in its most vital years to have both parents present (though every year is vital to have both parents present). Of course, you'll just reassure him that Diavolo would give him some leave time in favor of raising the baby, and the brothers would help with his work load in the meantime.

2. Ok, but what about his brothers? That's the thing, he feels like he's already a father of 6. He won't be able to look after them as much because a baby is far too much time. They'll be running loose like chickens without heads in no time. You'll have to tell him he'll just have to have faith in his brothers. At first, he scoffs at the idea. But...he thinks about it. And the more he does, the more he agrees. Finally, he'll take you out somewhere private to tell you that he agrees. He wants to have a baby.

His worst fear is his child not feeling like he was present in his life. He already knows what it's like to have someone related to you hate youSatan, so it would be nothing new to him, though it would still hurt. Yet, his worst fear is his child growing up feeling like he was never there for his them. This will result in him constantly switching his attention time during teenage years from super clingy because he wants to be present, to a little distant because he doesn't want to come off as clingy. You better bring it to his attention and help him find a happy medium before your child starts to resent him for this. Oh, and the brother he trusts most to look after his kid is Mammon. This may sound stupid, but we all know Mammon would at least keep the kid alive. (Like Satan, he'll tear Mammon limb from limb if otherwise) but if Mammon isn't present, he'll ask Satan. Though, he can't be surprised if Satan has taught his child how to say 'fuck Lucifer' as one of their first phrases.

5. Asmodeus

Like Satan, he doesn't really want a child for the same reasons. They just cry, they take a lot of time, he won't be able to get his beauty sleep at night, ect. Also like Satan, you'll just have to appeal. Imagine all the cute family photos he can take! Plus, wouldn't the child be beautiful? 'Oh, but what about when they grow up and go through some weird emo phase?' Well, you guys will just have to accept them for that. And when (if) they grow out of the phase, y'all can continue to support them and then finally take family pictures again. And if they never grow out of the goth phase, you'll just have another Belphie. He laughs, and is a little more calm. It takes maybe some few months before he brings up the idea, saying that he thinks he's ready. His biggest fear is his child growing up unloved by their peers, so he tries to dress them up pretty all the time. You might have to remind him to let the child explore their own style for a bit, and he'll reluctantly agree at first, then be very willing later on. He doesn't want people to see his child as anything but pretty, but understands how important it is for the child to have their own style and feel supported for it. But he's keeping all them embarrassing baby photos. And he's definitely showing them off to his child's romantic partner (if they're not aro/ace). The brother he trusts the most to handle his child is Lucifer. He knows the child will be safe. He would pick Satan, but....y'know.

6. Leviathan

For obvious reasons, at first it's a no. He won't be able to play games as much, the baby will always be crying, ect. But you'll have to remind him that it's a team effort, and he won't be the only one taking care of the child. Plus, once the baby grows up, he'll always have someone to play games with. To which he responds they might not like games. You can counter that if they're constantly surrounded by games, they'll become a familiar source of comfort, and they'll likely love games. Same for any cartoon or anime he makes them watch. He'll give you plenty of excuses, but they're all bullshit. His biggest reason(and secret) is he thinks he'll be a horrible, embarrassment of a father. His child won't think he's cool, and might even get bullied a lot. I mean, imagine having some lame Otaku for a father. Sad, right? But just tell him that his child will love him because he's their father, and no matter what, they'll be proud to call him dad, just like you'll be proud to call him their dad. He tears up afterwards, and maybe a while later, he'll shyly approach you and tell you he's ready. He'll pay less attention to video games and anime for a while, but when he gets a break, if he's not sleeping, he's catching up on all the anime. His worst fear is his child becoming lonely like him. So he makes sure the child grows up with a pet of some kind. That way, they'll learn to be social. Oh, and if it's a boy, he'll try his damndest to name him Henry, and if it's a girl, Hana and/or Yuri. The brother he trusts the most is also Lucifer. He would say Beel, but he doesn't want him to eat his child (Beel would never), and he would say Asmo, but he doesn't want to receive an Asmo Jr. Oh, and Mammon isn't allowed near the child.

7. Belphagore

Last, and least surprisingly, Belphie. A child is wayyyyyyy too much responsibility for little old him. Plus, they cry all the time, he wouldn't be able to sleep. I'm not sure if you really could convince him to have a baby. If you did, it would be years in advance before he would agree. I think the best route is to just prove to him that the responsibility will be shared (and worth it), and he could still get sleep from time to time. Which would help. But if y'all ever do have a baby, he'll slack off a lot. You'll probably get into a couple of arguments because you'll be doing most of the work in toddler and infant years. (Most likely to get divorced over the child if y'all are married. Not saying it will happen, though. Just most likely out of the brothers.) Eventually, after ranting to Beel, he'll realize he has been a shit father at first. To the child, and to you. (Thank Beel for getting through to him). Like Beel, his worst fear is his kids not being safe. He really doesn't care how they turn out as long as they're happy and healthy. After he finally starts taking initiative as a parent, he becomes over protective. If its a girl, he sees Lilith in her, and he wont let her go. Obviously, he trusts Beel the most with his kids.

hello everyone! I got an ask from an anon asking for tips on time management so i decided to type this out before school starts heheh…

poor time management and procrastination, unfortunately, plague just about all of us lol. people with a short attention span (like me) and who are pretty much always on their phone (me again) and who hate scheduling are the most susceptible to these.

over the years i struggled with time management(studying the night before the exam 🤙🏼) but! these are some tips that have helped me in scheduling, avoiding procrastination and improving time management.

1. Write it down

as always, we’re starting with BEFORE the actual task. write all tasks, assignments, projects and homework, test dates down somewhere (notebook preferably so that you dont lose it. it doesn’t have to be your bujo and you do not have to start a bujo for this specific reason!!!) and write the deadlines. this is subconscious pressure to do work once you get home. also, since you can see everything, it’s easier to schedule it out later

2. Use travel time

i cannot stress this enough!!!! sorry that it appears in all my tips posts but it truly is very useful. for short commutes, review the content you’ve learnt so that when you start on your homework, you’ve already got the hang of it. ie you dont struggle to understand the chapter and be put off from finishing your work because you hate it. long commutes can be used to complete work itself. i like to place some books and a file under my worksheet while i write (if i have a seat lol) or you can take this time to plan your time in greater detail

3. Actually plan your time

you dont have to fancy it up with like, brush pens and highlighters. just do something on google sheets or excel. divide the day into appropriate blocks of time.

for me, since i use a focus timer (50+10 or 100+20, rare cases i do 120 with a long break after that) i keep my days in 1hr blocks. so i’d block in about 1hour after i reach home to chill, clean up and so on, 2hrs for homework and the remaining time can be divided by hour/2hours to complete my work. you can tweak the timings to work for you but so far this one suits me pretty well.

4. NEVER RUSH YOUR HOMEWORK AND REVISION WHEN PLANNING!!!!

i repeat, never rush. because when you give only, say, one hour to review 3 chapters and you fail to do so within that time limit, you feel demoralised and hence, will not want to work more. this is a very common issue i believe. sometimes i would rush revise and when i couldnt stick to the timelines, i’ll feel so defeated that i’ll probably binge watch youtube to cure my self-pity LOL

give yourself an ample amount of time. Assign one or two hours a day as ‘delay time’ (this was my free time) so that you can catch up on anything that unfortunately, you couldn’t finish. Assign one day of the week to be the ‘delay day’ -- anything that you cant finish the week before, do it now. this means that you can still ‘save’ your plan even if it screwed up somewhere along the way. it works wonders, believe me! i used to have ‘delay hours’ after training where i would (ahem sadly) study from 2330-0030 if i needed to. while i was tired, i always got my work done.

5. Prioritise

this one needs no explanation. i usually choose which task to start on based on a combination of deadline+importance+graded/non-graded. i start early for graded assignments because they count towards my semester’s final grade and i want to hand up the best quality work i can. find a system which works for you! note: start project work and large assignments early.

you can assign simple tasks first to start the ball rolling, and proceed with harder tasks.

alternatively, if you’re at your prime focus, start with the hardest and scale down to the simple.

6. Make good use of holidays + Wake up early

ok i used to game a LOT and go to training a LOT (still happens now lol) during holidays but i wouldnt get any of my holiday work done.

do your holiday homework first. schedule your time well, and maybe stay home and resist the urge to go out for the first 5 days. finish all your work (again, schedule well) with breaks in between.

thereafter, schedule maybe 3-5 hours a day to revise. if you’re going out with friends, i’d suggest you wake up early to study because once you come home you’re usually dead tired HAHA

so how early is early?? during my o levels study break i would wake up at 0330 (yes, for real) but i slept at 2130 every night. so thats 6 hours of sleep wew but AT LEAST i was very productive. think about it this way: waking up early to study at 0330 makes you more productive than studying till 0330. you don’t have to wake up THIS early, but preferably early enough when the sky’s still dark so that you can fit in those extra hours. DO NOT sacrifice sleep. that’s why you can see i’m still sleeping my usual amount, albeit sleeping and waking earlier.

more perks of waking up early: its quiet outside, the air is cool, your mind gets into the ‘get shit done’ mode, and if you absolutely have to use your phone to search something up, your social media probably won’t be pinging. in other words, early mornings are actually a great time to study! remember to eat something though :>

7. Remove all distractions to prevent possible procrastination

YES i know this is the dreaded one. lock your phone somewhere inconvenient and put the key outside your room. or if you don’t lock it make sure your phone is far away from you as possible. please i know how deadly your phone can get so just put it away.

if you find yourself drifting away and looking at something else, remove that.

alternatively, change up your study environment. you don’t have to go to the library or something (you can if you want to). this is as simple as studying in a different part of the house. a new environment helps to ‘prick’ my mind and help me ignore distractions. i dont know if this is scientifically proven but oh well, worth a try.

8. 2-minute rule

this is something i picked up from @studyquill! it’s pretty helpful (although i was skeptical at first). Tell yourself you’re only going to work for 2 minutes, which helps you get into the workflow. chances are you’ll get so into it (ok not in an excited but rather in a determined way) that you don’t feel like stopping.

if you’ve had a long day and after 2 mins you still don’t get any momentum, just stop and take a 15 min break. that means you’re really too tired and there’s no point in forcing yourself to complete your work.

9. Use reminders

set reminders on your phone for the tasks you need to do. for example, if you’ve planned to start work at 1500, set the reminder to ring 5 minutes before so you have time to gather all your stuff and ready yourself to do work. no excuses!!

set reminders for your breaks as well! those are equally important.

10. Reward yourself

if everything you need to do is done, give yourself a pat on the back. have you been extremely productive? great, treat yourself to your favourite drink/snack. honestly i feel like many of our brains function on the ‘reward’ system. if we reward ourselves for a job well done, we’ll be more willing to complete tasks and stay on time in the future (the brain thinks there’s a reward coming)

remember to take care of your mental health as well! this is one good way to ensure you don’t end up mentally exhausted.

Apps to help with time management

1. Tide - focus timer, meditation, beautiful and calming soundtracks (my fav!)

2. Pendo - everything in one tbh, schedule, to-do list, journal etc. (my fav too!)

3. Forest - focus timer $$$ (free alternative: flora)

4. Donut Dog - focus timer

5. Todoist - minimalist to-do list

6. Minimalist - minimalist to-do list

7. Google Calender - your entire schedule

8. Todait - smart study planner

a quick search will bring out many more! note these are all available on iOS but i’m not sure about google play. you don’t need everything to be productive. i rely only on Tide, Pendo and my iPhone calender and reminders. It’s less about having many ‘tools’ and more about how you properly and wisely utilise them to boost your productivity and manage your time.

also i don't think pendo is very well-known?? so this is how its interface looks like for 'Notes':

it's pretty, simple and clean and there are several themes to choose from! i rly like it omg HAHA (not a promo)

alright that's all! hope it helped :>

ʙᴜɴɴʏ ʙᴜɴᴄʜᴇꜱ(ɪᴢᴜᴋᴜ x reader)

(Boss-Intern/Hybrid AU)

Warnings: Smut, Cat Hybrid!Female!Reader, Bunny Hybrid!Izuku, (Everyone is pretty much hybrids) Im also rlly bad at warnings

Part2

Summary: Your new bunny Intern with the silvery voice has caught your attention once again, but who knows if this time you can get to him first.

    The quick pitter patter of my feet as I walk through the parking lot to the elevator are drowned out by my thoughts.  

         My every waking thoughts constantly running rampant of that that green haired ball of energy. So sickeningly sweet yet enticing. Our newest Intern, Izuku Midoriya. The bunny hybrid who held the whole world in their eyes. Just the same as the last time you saw him.

 You slowly enter the elevator and press the button for your floor number, tail swaying from side to side slowly. Standing there idly humming to yourself as the lift slowly rose to your floor. ‘PING’ the loud sound of the lift arriving snaps you out of your daze. The doors slowly open and you step out and begin making your way to your office. 

Besides the soft hums of conversations and typing it is rather peaceful in the cubicles. “Hey (y/n)!”. Well shit. You turn to where the voice came from and lo and behold the man whose been on your mind, standing there in all his glory. He smiles brightly at you, ears on the top of his head at full height. You look at him blank faced. 

“Please stop calling me by my first name during work hours, people will think we are friends.” You spit at him in a hushed tone. You turn away and begin walking away. He follows behind you closely, he begins giggles. “I mean of course were friends dummy.” He says to you in full confidence. “Well im sorry to burst your fucking bubble, were far from friends, you work for me and thats all.” 

You make it to your office and kicking your heels off. His ears drooped some. “Well its ok (l/n), No need to be a bitch about it.” He huffs at you also walking into your office closing the door and plopping down on the sofa. “Me?! A Bitch?!” Your head does a perfect 180 and you scowl at him.“Yea, you.” He plops a gummy bear into his mouth. “Where the hell did you get gummy bears from?! You know what, doesnt matter, stop eating in my office. I have work to do.” 

You shuffle over to your desk  and plop down in your seat, pulling out your papers and beginning to work. Your ears sit upright. You can hear loud Chewing. Ignoring it was not even an option. You can hear it over your on thoughts at this point. You look up with a huff and there izuku is. “You chewing to loud dipshit.” For a bunny hybrid he is loud as hell. 

Your becoming irritated. A knock on your door turns your attention away from the green haired male laying on your sofa. “Come in” you mumble. Your assistant Tsuyu walks in. “ Ms(l/n), Mr Todoroki wants to know if your meet for later today is still on?” She shuffles through papers in her hands. You take a minute to think, ‘do I really want to have to deal with Enji’s shit today? nah’. “ Tell him i would like to reschedule for next week, and Tsuyu, take a rest of the day off I got it today.” She nods her head and walks out quietly shutting the door behind her.

A couple of minutes goes past uneventfully. “You know you cant always be mad at me.” The human bunny hybrid speaks. You chuckle at him “Thats a good one.” You continue doing what you were doing. Izuku sits up from his lying down position. “Im serious, listen we both made mistakes. So we have to let go to help ourselves grow as people.” You sit your pen down and you look at him. “Are you fucking kidding me? We both made mistakes? You fucking cheated on me, and WE made mistakes? You must be out of your rabbit ass mind!”

 You jolt upwards, now standing making your way around the desk to the sofa. “Hey I said sorry, okay.” He says as you stalk closer to him. “ Do you think sorry is going to fix the fucking pain i felt?” Your ears are completely pined against your head as you his at him. “well what do want me to do?” You take the tights off of your legs and ball it up, throwing it. You begin to slide you panties off. griping them in your hand tightly. “If your really fucking sorry you’ll make mommy feel good.” Izuku turned pink. 

“You know I cant do that, you know im dating Ochaco.” You shake your head. “Do you really think I give a fuck about that home wrecking bitch, do what your told unless you want you darling little Ochaco to know that her boyfriends boss is his ex girlfriend and that you dick still gets hard to the thought of my cunt on your face?” He freezes. “Your probably fucking hard right now aren’t you. You sick fucking shit. Getting off of calling me mommy” Before he can react you stuff your underwear in his mouth. “go ahead, can you taste mommy on it?” He says something unintelligible and nods. 

“Good because that is the last time you will ever fucking taste it.” He reaches to take the panties out of his mouth. You slap him with force before he can. You can tell he’s gonna bruise later. His phone rings. its Ochaco. He looks up at your form questioningly. You nod. “Pick it up” He does just that. As he talks you begin to unzip his pant. His breath hitches. keep talking, you mouth to him. You pull out his hard length. He twitches in your hand. gracious amounts of precum falls onto your hand. His tip red with a purple hue. You flatten you tongue and run it from base to tip and stopping to suck on his mushroomed head. 

He chokes on his spit “uh yeah im fine Ochaco I just choked on my spit, but i have to go, yeah ill t-talk to you later bye.” He rushed to hang up his phone up. You stood back up, taking in the view of him. He looked so perverted with his dick out leaking and pulsing. But he looked so innocent with his flustered face. You wanted to corrupt him. He reaches out and cups your naked core. Massaging your folds. You lean into him, beginning to straddle him. He rubs his fingers against your wet entrance, slightly teasing you. He pushes his two fingers into you breaching your warm walls. You reach both of your hands around to his back. Your hand grabs his shoulder. The other one slowly going down his back. You grip his tail. 

“(y-y/n) you know my tail is sensitive.” He removes his fingers from you and grips your hips with both hands. You smirk against his neck. “I know.” You snatch his cotton ball of a tail with your hand. His hips thrust up into yours. His dick ruts against your wet core. The humping motion causing his dick to stimulate your clit. Your feeling hot, you can feel your heart beat in your pussy. “Come on baby, fuck mommys tight pussy. You have my permission. He whines out starting to rut harder against you. You lift yourself lining izuku’s meat rod to your dripping core. You begin to slowly go down, Not used to the feeling of him inside of you yet. Izuku grabs you hips and slams you down onto him before you could intervene. 

Izuku begins to get into position, he braces his feet on the floor and grips you with both arms, beginning to thrust up into you. You can barley keep your eyes open. His curved dick keeps beating at your walls. You reach down to you clit and begin to rub it trying to satisfy that building pressure in your abdomen. You gush out on him, he humps you through it all. You push off of him with a huff. “Mommy?” He whines out at the loss of your heated walls. walking over to your desk you sit on the edge and spread you legs giving him a good view of your box. “Come on baby, come get what you want.” He practically jumps out of his seat and rushes to you, lining back up with you and pushing straight back into your depths. you wrap your legs around him. He starts fucking into you like he was out for revenge. 

You throw your head back moaning out as his tip hits your g spot. Your tail raps around his leg. “Say you love me more than Ochaco.” You breath out. No answer. He keeps fucking into with the speed of a jack rabbit. You santch his hair pulling his head back. He moans out as he gets closer. You grab his face between your fingers and pushing your foot into his hips causing him to stop thrusting. "Tell me you love me more than her, fucking say it. your tail begins flicking the more agitated you get. Looking at you doe eyed he stumbles over his words "You know i cant say that, i love both you and Ochaco the same." You scoff looking away in disgust. "If that was fucking true you wouldnt be balls deep in me while your girlfriend is at home waiting for you." 

You look back at him in disgust for the second time today. Pushing him off of you. Causing his dick to fall out with a wet sound. He whimpered at the loss of your heat. "kneel" you bark at him. Ears pined to the top of your head. Midoriya drops to his knees his ears lifeless against his head. "Know show mommy that your sorry for being a shitty boyfriend who cant even keep his dick in his fucking pants." "m'sorry" he mumbled. 

" Stop being a little fucking bitch and actually apologize!!" You yell at him. He just stares up at you. Hissing you hop off of the desk pulling your skirt down and snatching him up by the collar of his shirt, " If you dont want to be here get the fuck out, go the fuck home. Why are you still here if your in love with her?" You begin to push im towards your office door, eyes filling with tears.  “ill have you transferred to another buliding." You begin putting yourself back together and getting dressed. "N-no, im sorry." He squeaks out after almost a eternity of silence. You wipe the tears out of your eyes, putting a stern face on. 

“well i have no other choice, your fired.”

Tagged by the very cool @dingyuxi​ (thanks fam!) 

and tagging some mutuals off the top off my head no pressure! @melonatures​, @deokmis​ @gimme-a-chocolate​ @forursmiles​ @digimoo​ @junghaesin​ @rain-hat​ @mockingjaypin @roarofalannister @seongwu

1. What is the color of your hairbrush? I have a couple, but one is red/black, one is blue, and the other white/gray

2. Name a food you never eat. Okra, my mom promised me I’d grow out of my distaste but im 26 and its still no

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? too cold I am a tropics baby i thrive in heat (i know i live in the midwest) 

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? trying to unclog our pipes with a bladder and some amateur plumbing 

5. What’s your favorite candy bar? uhhh, anything chocolate but the kinder bueno ones

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game? A couple, mainly basketball and went to one american football game because bb bro was too young to go by himself and i just sat and read a book

7. What is the last thing you said out loud? My roommate and I are dealing with a plumbing issue and trying to fix it and I have a call soon so I said let’s pause and come back to it later. 

8. What is your favourite ice cream? Green tea followed closely by coffee. 

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? Water

10. Do you like your wallet? Yeah, i like its. its long and solid

11. What is the last thing you ate? a chocolate chip cookie

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? lol no

13. What’s the last sporting event you watched? uhhhh idk, not an actual match but i think some mbappe highlights? 

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? ooooo classic butter or kettle. 

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? uh it was a group chat with my colleagues 

16. Ever been camping? Yeah, when I was young. It wasnt straight camping it was at a site and it was with my girl scout troop lmao

17. Do you take vitamins?  not regularly, sometimes some vitamin c if im feeling a little throat something coming up or iron before i donate blood 

18. Do you regularly attend a place of worship? Not in a religious way? and when you do community organizing/work you are in a lot of churches and they always pray at the neighborhood association meetings. 

19. Do you have a tan? lmaooooo. i am blessedly melenated and usually get a nice tan but its winter and lockdown so ive lost some of that :_;

20. Do you prefer chinese or pizza? lmao im with sam on this question, i dont like this question cause its a false equivalency and definitely chinese because the options??? and chinese food is so good???

21. Do you drink your soda through a straw? uhhh....not really? usually in a glass or in a bottle. 

22. What color socks do you usually wear? girl whatever socks i get, they range from black to white to pink to gray they dont match 90% of the time

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit? wouldnt you like to know

24. What terrifies you? on a philosophical level seeing my loved ones hurt and failure. more physically? frogs freak me out, people in easter bunny costumes, clowns, and medieval plague doctors, actually the concept of existing in medieval Europe terrifies me 

25. Look to your left, what do you see? im on our large conference table and it has a bunch of stuff but immediately to my life is my phone, some pens, my bullet journal and my copy of “collective courage” 

26. What chore do you hate most? Washing dishes!!!! And compost 

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? idk??? steve irwin? 

28. What’s your favorite soda? Root beer and vanilla coke

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Drive thrus, because im probably already out and around doing errands. 

30. What’s your favorite number? 13

31. Who’s the last person you talked to? My roommate, again about this plumbing issue. 

32. Favorite meat? I really dont have a preference tbh, depends how they are prepared

33. Last song you listened to? Do it on the tip by Megan thee Stallion ft the City Girls

34. Last book you read? In the middle of a reread for “Collective Courage: A History of African American Cooperative Economic Thought and Practice.” by Jessica Gordon Nembhard and just starting “Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents “ by Isabel Wilkerson. 

35. Favorite day of the week? Saturday 

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? maybe if i tried really hard but im not going to try 

37. How do you like your coffee? With a little bit of creamer and sugar, like a decent brown color. I like the flavor of coffee so i dont want it too diluted. 

38. Favorite pair of shoes? uh, dont really have one but something i can slip in and out of lmao

39. Time you normally get up? around 8/8:30am but in my heart id like to wake up at 10 or 11 ;_;

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? Sunsets!!! also sunrises involve me getting up early and im not doing that hell no

41. How many blankets on your bed? Two since its winter, a comforter and a thick wool one. 

42. Describe your kitchen plates super basic white round plates. 

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment messy, we havent been able to wash our dishes because of the plumbing issue so hopefully that can be fixed today

44. Do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? mmmmm, idk? i have grown to like a good whiskey, usually a bulleit bourbon or this one bourbon w get from a local distillery. really any dark liquors, i will not do beer that shits dissssssgusting

45. Do you play cards? not regularly and i have tried to learn how to play eucher and spades and each time ppl explain it to me i forget it the next day and i just dont have that kind of brain capacity. 

46. What color is your car? uh.....so i live in a commune basically lmao and we share vehicles so i personally dont own one but the couple i share with some other folks is Black and gold

47. Can you change a tire? Yeah, one unique thing about my parents were they were very fair around gendered roles(especially for south asians), so my mom was strict with my brother around learning how to cook/clean and my dad taught me how to work on cars/maintenance work around the house. so i can change tires/oil/do other car work  

48. Your favorite state or province? i really like the pacific northwest and miss it.

49. Favorite job you’ve had? being an instructor for a course on globalization in college! also idk if i can classify what i do now as a “job” because its....unique but that too

NOBODY ASKED BUT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY ADHD STIMS!!!

Ok ok so flappy hands big time, it's like unsupressable. You can not stop the flappy hands. Just for context, my phone only recognizes flappy in all caps at this point. It's just so good.

Scratching and picking! Bad things, dont do them friends, your fingies will hurt and you will bleed a lot and get scratch marks everywhere. I usually only pick at my fingers, scabs or my scalp cuz I have some bad dandruff but I also have a high pain tolerance so I wont know what I'm doing a lot of the time. I mainly scratch my arms and legs cuz I get mild hallucinations that I have bugs landing on me and so I end up scratching like crazy to make it stop. I dont ever scratch myself raw tho, if anything I scratch over a scab or smth and god this is a tmi but I'm in a really good mood for some reason. These are both very unconscious but are just as hard to stop as flappy hands, you can ask my parents heh.

Chewing!!! Ok so I just dived back into this after having not done this for years, but I chew shit bad. I used to chew my shirts a ton, my mom h a t e d it. I'd just nom my collar when I was super nervous. I realized a good bit into quarantine that I had started fucking nomming the shit out of my mimikyu plushies ear. I bought myself some chew stim toys which I love and it gets it out of my system much quicker cuz they're tougher. I love them they're the only stim toys I've ever actually bought myself.

Tapping, clicking, thumpy noises. Pencils and pens clicking, the pressure you have to use and the release pressure and inertia make me so calm I love buttons and clickers and tapping things it helps me focus a L o t. Course its distracting and drives everyone else fucking batty. I had fake nails once for my mom's wedding, and while I hate having nails cuz it's bad sensory shit and I feel grimy, the tapping noises were a definite plus.

P e e l i n g. Another weird tmi but like, I started playing ukulele and now my fingers on my left hand peel a lot and it's so s a t i s f y i n g. It's like peeling Elmer's glue.

Idk what to call this other than zoomies. I like, ok so especially in the morning I'll like stretch and do a little small flappy hands cuz I do that to help me wake up my body, and sometimes itll get stuck in a super fast loop for a few seconds and my hand like tenses to where I cant like stop it. It also happens for my feets, they like twitch for several seconds and then calm down. Idk if this counts but I think so.

I have an auditory stim! I'll obsessively say it's fine over and over when I'm super stressed! Again, another one that's fucking impossible to stop. I also have it with sorry when I'm panicked.

Bouncy leg, simple bitch, I'm doing something so I can focus better, that is if nobody fucking calls me on it cuz then I get hyper aware and stop doing it. Sometimes I'll try to force the bouncy but it never works.

LOUD!!!! I am very loud and it's never on purpose but it's sort of something I learned when I was a kid, my mom and dad were very loud and unkind to each other so I think being loud was a coping mechanism that I can not stop, I have a terrible time controlling my volume except for when singing. It's a pain.

Just being destructive ig. I rip and tear at things when I'm not paying attention and I either, have nothing in my hand, or have a sharp thing in my hand. I'll tear holes in clothes, rip at stray threads, cut paper things up into tiny pieces and I will not know I'm doing it until someone screams at me for breaking things. I have destroyed my parents vacuum filter and bed because I was bored and had scissors. I swear to god my parents didnt let me use scissors or knives until I was 16. If i needed scissors for class i had to borrow them because they wouldnt let me have scissors it was. Bad.

Playing with my hair. It's no good. Vvv bad. My hair is so fucking curly it tangles together as soon as I'm done brushing it. I Will rip my hair out on accident and it's just a bad time. I dont take care of my hair enough to have playing with my hair be a valid stim. Its invalid and it should feel bad.

Crushing things! Like water bottles and cans, I love crinkly plastic and metal noise and it's a great texture too.

I think that's the most of them! I just, got really excited to tell you guys all about it and how I stim and!!!!!!!

Just a buttload of questions

I was tagged by the lovely @jessiohhh. Thank you chickadee. Took me forever to finish, but I got there. :D 

Apparently this is to help you get to know your tumblr peeps better. 

Gonna put most of these under a cut to save y’alls dashes.

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? I guess if I had to choose it would be black. I don’t know why. A good black ballpoint is a lovely thing to have.

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? Depends what stage of my life I am in. I want to retire to the country but otherwise wanna live in the city.

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? To sew and make clothes. Gosh how different my life (and my wardrobe) would be if I could fix clothes, alter clothes, MAKE clothes. I want this skill so much!

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? Don’t drink coffee. My tea has half a sugar. I worked my way all the way down from two sugars and I’m proud. :)

5. What was your favourite book as a child? My Dad used to read me Enid Blyton books when I was little. My favourite series was probably The Naughtiest Girl in the School series.

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? Definitely showers. I want to like baths, but whenever I take one I just feel sweaty and gross.

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? A fairy. I’ve been obsessed with fairies since I was little.

8. Paper or electronic books? Probably electronic books. Easier to read and travel. 

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? Gosh I don’t know. I literally sat here thinking about it for a couple of minutes and I can’t pick a favourite. I guess by default it falls to the item that I wear the MOST which would be my black combat boots. I wear them almost constantly.

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? Nah I tend to think Laura is a bit boring. I like my middle name Eileen though.

11. Who is a mentor to you? I’m kind of without one at the moment. Thats just the situation my current life is in right now. 

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? I would like to be “Author Famous”. Like have soooooo much money, and dedicated fans who like my work. But nobody recognises me in the street. 

13. Are you a restless sleeper? Yes.

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? No, not in the conventional sense.

15. Which element best represents you? I wish I was earth but I would say probably water. Can be dangerous or calm. Flexible. 

16. Who do you want to be closer to? Hmmm I feel bad that I’m not closer to my godson. But ya see, he’s an annoying lil shit. At least the stage he’s going through right now is really obnoxious. So spending time with him is just... not fun.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? All my Canada friends.

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. I’ve talked about early childhood memories on here a lot. I don’t want to repeat a story so lemme think a moment..... I remember being obsessed with pressing buttons when I was younger. I mean, most kids are. But you see my family lived on a dairy farm, and in the dairy where we milked the cows and stored the milk there was like... a WALL OF BUTTONS. And levers, and switches and other doo-dads. And like... I just wanted to press them all. But I wasn’t allowed. Obviously. Only at certain times during the day would my father call me over and lift me up so I could press one particular button. So yeah, I remember that. “Helping” my Dad in the dairy and being excited whenever I got to press the buttons. I never even got old enough to learn what the buttons did before we moved off our farm. :(

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? Hmmm, probably escargot. Snails. They were delicious.

20. What are you most thankful for? My newborn nephew.

21. Do you like spicy food? Yes. But spicy food does not like me.

22. Have you ever met someone famous? Yeah last year I was working on a feature film that had a Disney starlet working on it.

23. Do you keep a diary or journal? No way. Too hard. The only time I keep journals is for really important stuff that needs documentation. Like a medical journal when I’m sick. Or an anxiety journal when my GAD gets real bad.

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil? Pen I guess.

25. What is your star sign? Libra

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? Bit of both. If you can get a mouthful with both then thats like... bliss.

27. What would you want your legacy to be? Do I need to want it to be anything? Cause I don’t. Like I don’t really care all that much. Maybe I will later in life.

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? I dont think its accurate to say I like reading when I literally never do it anymore. Except for fanfic. I listen to audiobooks a bit. I just finished listening to The Stand by Stephen King.

29. How do you show someone you love them? Cuddles, I’m a cuddler.

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? Yes.

31. What are you afraid of? Wasted potential and never really getting where I want to get.

32. What is your favourite scent? That smell after a sun shower. Everything is wet and the sun is making it evaporate into the atmosphere. Love that smell.

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? Not to be cheeky but like, context is a thing. Depends on the context.

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? Not terribly different. I would still work. I guess I would travel a lot more. Since that is something that I would love to do but can’t because I don’t have the funds.

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? Theyre both the same level of scary to me. Yes, I suffer from an irrational fear of pool sharks. So I guess I would go ocean because at least with the ocean you have the surf waves to make it fun.

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? Look around to see if someone had dropped it, then if there was no one, pocket it.

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Yes. Last time I went camping there was a meteor shower. Wait, do they count as shooting stars? If not then no.

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? Compassion.

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? I want to get a bunch of babies-breath flowers tattooed in the middle of my back. Its so specific because I plan my tattoos for a long time before I get them.

40. What can you hear now? The fish tank filter at my brothers house.

41. Where do you feel the safest? In my bedroom. In my bed. Laptop and phone and kitty nearby.

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? My fear of relationships and emotional intimacy.

43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be? I honestly don’t know. There are a lot of cool places (but like, usually only if youre in the upperclass). Ancient Greece maybe? Jane Austen era? Woodstock? I can’t decide.

44. What is your most used emoji? This lil dude. 🙃 I prefer it to the regular smiley face.

45. Describe yourself using one word. eclectic

46. What do you regret the most? Not having my mental health issues diagnosed at an earlier age.

47. Last movie you saw? In the cinemas? A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood back in January (actually got my wallet out and looked at my ticket stubs). Just in general - I watched The Florida Project last night with my bro.

48. Last tv show you watched? My Little Pony. Been watching episodes to help me fall asleep.

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. Derp-a-derp. My bro and I have been saying that over the last few days when we can’t remember the word we are trying to say. Like “go get me the derp-a-derp” or “what was I saying about the derp-a-derp”. Its a good placeholder.

-----

Annnnnd imma taaaaaaag.... like I said, this is a long one so no pressure (it took me like a week to get through all the questions).... anyway I tag @hichie, @thepragmaticrebel, @heavensdick and @serendipitous-magic.

Sick Boy

Ship: Parkner (Harley Keener/Peter Parker)

Summary: Jax gets the stomach flu. Peter and Harley take care of him.

Tags: Febufluff, Day 9, sick days, Sickness, stomach flu, Vomiting, Jax is back!!, Jax is Peter and Harleys son, parenting, Peter Parker and Harley Keener are good dads, Established Relationship, Husbands, Love, Family, Family Fluff

Day nine of Febufluff: "Sick Day"!

WARNING: This story contains sickness, and talking about vomiting. There is a scene where Jax throws up. It isn't super graphic, but it's there, so if you dont like vomiting, don't read! Be safe, be comfortable, know your limits. Love y'all <3

--

Peter sat in a meeting when he got the call. He was tapping his pen against his paper absentmindedly, barely listening to the businessman drone on endlessly about stocks and numbers and whatever else he was saying, before his phone began to vibrate in his pocket, hard enough to be felt but not loud enough to disrupt the meeting, thankfully.

It immediately sets Peter on alert though, because his phone was put on to Do Not Disturb, and only three things can push a call through when that's on: Harleys phone, Karen in case of severe emergency... and Jax's phone. None of those options sounded very good, so Peter pulls out the device quickly, making sure to keep it under the desk, still trying to keep his disturbance to a minimum.

Jax's school. Shit. Not the worst thing possible, but still not a good sign. Peter's mind swirls with what could've happened as he motions to one of his coworkers that he's stepping out, picking up the call as soon as he's out the door. Did he get hurt? It wouldn't surprise Peter, Jax could be clumsy. Or he could've gotten into a fight, but that doesnt seem like his Jaxy. Maybe he's being bullied, maybe-

"Hi, is this Peter Parker-Keener?" The callers tone is sickly sweet, and it's already grating on Peter's frayed nerves.

"Yes, it is. Is Jax okay?" He blurts out before he can stop himself, knowing that hes sounding like the stereotypical helicopter parent, constantly worried, but he doesn't care.

The women laughs lightly under her breath, barely noticable to the normal ear but very noticable to Peter, who grits his teeth to stop himself from snapping at the poor woman. She sobers up pretty quickly as she responds, voice softening, "Jax appears to have the stomach flu. Would you be able to come pick him up, Mr. Parker-Keener?"

Peter's stomach drops at the news, his heart aching. Oh, his poor baby. He looks back towards the room he just left, and knows the meeting is important, knows he shouldn't leave unless it's an emergency, but- but family comes first. Always. He nods unconsciously, running a hand through his hair. "Yeah, yeah of course, I'll be there as soon as possible."

He hangs up the phone and sighs loudly, rubbing at his forehead as a headache starts to form, a pressure building behind his eyes. He types out a quick message to his coworker and to Harley, updating them both on the situation before making his way to his car.

As soon as he shuts the car door, and the car starts up, a call is already lighting up his screen. He automatically puts it through, pulling out of the garage and speeding towards the school.

"Is he okay?" His husband's voice is coated with concern, not even bother with a hello as he gets straight to the point, showing Peter just how worried he truly is. Peter wants to laugh at their overprotectiveness (it's their first and only child, give them a break), but now is definitely not the time.

"I'm not sure, I'm on my way to pick him up now." Peter answers honestly, looking over his shoulder before changing lanes, counting down the minutes until he gets there.

"Do you want me to come too?" He can hear shuffling on the other side, as if Harley was already packing his things.

Peter sighs, fianlly seeing the brick school in the distance. "No, I'm here now. Maybe meet us back home?" He adds on the last part, knowing Harley won't be able to go back to work now.

"Yeah," Harleys voice is still worried, but theres a tinge of relief there now, knowing he's going to be able to help. "Yeah, okay. I'll see you there. Love you."

Peter echoes it back just as he parks, the call ending just as he shuts the car off, exiting it just as quickly as he entered.

He rushes to the main desk, seeing the secretary who Peter guesses is the same person that called him earlier. "Hi, I'm here for Jax Parker-Keener?"

The woman looks up, and smiles a plastic smile that doesnt reach her eyes. "Of course, I just need you to sign him out real quick," Peter fills out the form quickly, antsy to get to his boy, and hands it back to her, "and the nurses office is just down the hallway, first door to the left."

"Thank you," he pushes out before speed walking to the specified door, opening it quickly. His nose scrunches up as the acidic smell of vomit floods his sense, and he swallows the urge to gag, his heart breaking when his eyes land on the little lump curled up on the couch.

Jax has his arms wrapped around his stomach, and his face is all crunched up, eyes closed and beads of sweat on his brow. Hes groaning quietly, squirming slightly, and there's a bucket placed right next to his face that looks likes it already been used. He looks smaller than he has in months, than he has in years.

"Oh baby," Jax blinks his eyes open as soon as the words are out of his mouth, the forest green hazy, barely focusing as he squints at Peter.

"Daddy?"

As soon as Peter hears that croak of a voice, hes on the move, kneeling down in front of his baby and brushing the hair off of his forehead. "Yeah, it's me, bug."

"I don't feel good." He moans, starting to squirm again, and Peter's heart is shattered, stomped into dust, longing to take away all of his son's pain.

"I know, sweetheart, I know. We're gonna go home now, okay?"

The five year old blinks up at him again, eyes widening with the purest, innocent hope and partial excitement, even though the haze of sickness. "Really?"

Peter gives him a small, sad smile, running a hand through his hair again. "Yeah, baby, we're going home. Come on," He presses a light kiss to his sticky forehead, before pulling him up and into his arms, Jax's body instinctually clinging to his front like a koala, just like he used to when he was a baby, when he was a toddler. Peter holds him up easily, his tiny body nothing to his super strength, and nods once to the nurse who was watching the scene with warm, kind eyes. "Thank you." He mumbles to him quietly, before walking out towards his car, pressing Jax to his chest tightly, protectively.

The ride to their apartment is quiet, quieter than it should be. Jax seems to take after him in the talking sense, he'll talk on and on and on about anything and everything, so to hear him so silent, so quiet...

Just as they pull into the garage, Jax finally speaks up, but what he says makes what's left of Peter's heart stop. "Daddy, I really don't feel good."

"You think you're gonna throw up, buddy?" Peter parks the car in a random spot as he speaks, already scavenging for the plastic bag he knows is by his passengers seat somewhere. The only responce he gets is a wet burp, and Peter scrambles even more, grabbing the plastic bag as soon as it touches his fingers and putting it under Jax's head just in time.

The five year old is gagging, sputtering and sobbing into the plastic bag, looking so pitifully sad, and Peter makes a noise of sympathy, wishing he could do more to help, to make it all go away. But realistically, all he can do is rub the boy's back, and whisper soothing things. "Its okay, bud, let it all out, it's alright."

Once the episode has passed and Jax leans back from the bag, Peter grabs the sleeve of his dress shirt and wipes off his face gently, both of tears and of vomit, knowing that he's staining the shirt but not really caring in the moment. He then ties the bag up, and gets out of the car, unclipping Jax and picking him up again, swaying him gently as he continues to whine and sniffle, shushing him softly.

When they make it up to the apartment, Harley is already there, waiting for them, looking anxious. As soon as his sky blue eyes find Jax, attached to Peter's hip, his entire face softens with sympathy and tenderness. "Hey bubba."

"Papa!" Jax whimpers, bottom lip stuck out and wobbling, face red and tear stained. He holds out a hand, and Harley moves instantly, taking him from Peter's grip and hugging him tightly, bouncing him slowly.

"Shh, I got ya, tesoro." He murmurs quietly, shifting his hold before looking up at Peter with a small smile, already tired eyes. "Hey. I picked up some medicine on the way over here." He nods his head back towards the kitchen, before leaning it against Jax's, holding him a little closer.

"You're a lifesaver." Peter responds, pecking him quickly on the lips before walking to the kitchen to get the medicine ready.

"You're only figuring that out now?" Peter just rolls his eyes at his husband's cheekiness, laughing lightly.

He pours out the medicine, and Jax takes it with very little fuss (read: a few more whines and a few split tears), before they all cuddle together on to the couch, turning on on a movie. Not even ten minutes in, Jax let's out a big yawn, snuggling in closer to Harleys hip, his eyes half lidded, and another ten minutes later, he's out like a light. Peter isn't surprised, it's been a long day for the poor boy. He looks up, and sees Harley staring down at him too, a warm glow to his eyes, a smile tilting his lips. Peter just presses a kiss to his husband's forehead, and shuffles closer, placing his head onto his shoulder.

This day may not have got according to plan, but with his husband and his son at his side, he wouldn't want it any other way.

Erik accidentally calls you a “bitch” and does everything to make it up to you

A/N: So the hybrid part of this is missing, but it will return in the second part, which will be a reblog of this part. The story kicks off immediately, so get ready. Remember, you asked for this anon 😅.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Horrible shrieks ring out throughout the apartment, the high pitched cries piercing the core of your ears and startling you from your concentrated position. You drop the hot curling iron into the sink, flinching at the burn left behind on your ear.

Wincing at the pain, you swipe your finger under the cold tap of the tub, tapping at your ear lightly to try and subdue some of the stinging, feeling your irritation grow.

Rounding the corner out of the bathroom, you walk halfway through the hallway before yelling out, the upset shrieking still echoing off the walls.

“Um, hello??? I know I’m not the only one in this house who hears that, Erik where are you, dammit!?”

You wait half a beat and hear no response before padding all the way into the living room to find your toddler in her pen, wailing as tears stream down her cheeks. You rush over to her and scoop her up, cooing at her and wiping away the tears with your t-shirt as you pace back and forth, bouncing her on your hip.

When you turn to walk back, you see Erik out on the balcony, phone held to his ear while he talks animatedly to someone on the other line.

“Are you fucking serious?” your nostrils flare, and you stomp over to the glass door, knocking hard on it while you cover your baby’s ears with the other hand.

“Erik! Get the fuck in here!” you yell through the pane, and its a muffled sound but coupled with the knocking it gets your husbands attention.

He glances in your direction before refocusing somewhere on the ground, and you can hear that he’s arguing with whoever’s on the other line as he holds a finger up to you.

You slide open the door a crack, careful to keep your baby girl shielded from the cold air as you yell some more.

“Now, Erik! Come inside!” you say harshly, closing the door quickly and retreating back to the pen to grab her blanket and wrap it around her.

She’d calmed down significantly since you’d picked her up, her little body jerking from the hiccups of breath she was making from the after affects of her crying.

You smooth your hand over her soft curls, kissing her forehead before laying her body over your shoulder, hugging her into your neck.

You hear the patio door slide open again and you turn to face him, seeing him step inside and remove his coat. He reaches behind him to slide the door closed, looking at you with furrowed brows.

“Girl, what the hell is your problem? Why you banging on the door yelling like that when I’m on the phone?” he says, straightening the collar of his shirt.

“You were supposed to be watching Shania, Erik! She was screaming bloody murder and you were outside on a goddamn business call!” You try to keep your voice level, but its gets louder the more you talk, and Shania stirs on your shoulder.

You take a breath to try and calm yourself, rubbing circles into her back as you try again, this time attempting to whisper.

“All I asked you to do was watch your daughter while I got ready for your company’s banquet. God, you can’t even do that without running off to handle work!” you’re seething with anger now, so tired of him pulling this shit and leaving you with the burden.

“You better watch the way you’re speaking to me, I know how to take care of my own daughter, Y/N. I was outside for less than five minutes. I was right there!” he points back out to the patio.

You close your eyes, rubbing your temples as you feel the pressure start to build behind your eyes of your oncoming migraine.

“But you couldn’t hear her screaming, E,” you try and reason with him. “We’ve been over this, Ni Ni is only one she needs to be watched constantly. What if something happened to her?!”

He wasn’t understanding the gravity of the situation. You needed him to understand.

“Nothing is going to happen to her, Y/N! Stop jumping to the worst conclusions-”

“Well maybe if you gave a shit more I wouldn’t have to jump to anything!” You’re screaming again, the rise in tension scaring Shania, and she starts a low whine that threatens to become a full blown crying session again.

You move away from the living room, needing to distance yourself before you become reckless and you head to the nursery, leaving Erik fuming in the other room. You didn’t mean to get so upset buts its like he hadn’t learned anything.

You’re gone for about ten minutes, using the time to calm Shania back down and cradle her to sleep, wanting both you and Erik to just take a moment and assess your feelings before coming back together to talk.

When she finally drifts off to sleep, you lay her in her crib, leaning down to press a kiss to her cheek and making sure her feet and back are covered by her yellow blankie before turning on the baby mobile and flipping off the light.

You quietly close the door behind you, leaning on it and taking a deep breath, resting your head back against the door. You didn’t feel like arguing anymore and you know you needed to apologize, but you just wanted to hear him acknowledge it at least once. Thats all you wanted; to know that it had affected him as much as it did you.

You shuffle back into the living room, the guilt from your flared temper weighing heavy on your heart.

You shouldn’t have yelled at him like that.

“Erik, I-”

“Save it, Y/N.” You look up to see Erik on the couch, bent over as he slips on his black suede loafers he’d paired with his white jacket tuxedo.

“I already called the babysitter and cancelled, so don’t worry about getting ready,” he tells you exhaustedly, sighing as he stands and smooths out his pants.

He walks past you to grab his jacket off the hanger on the back of the door, going to the mirror at the front closet to watch himself put it on.

You felt a little hollow inside.

“What do you mean?” you look at his face in the mirror, walking up behind him.

“I mean, I’m going by myself to the banquet. I don’t give a shit about my family, right? Thats what you said. That I’d rather be at fucking work.” He spits the last word out with disgust.

He pulls a black bow tie out of his front pocket, angrily tying it around his neck.

That really hit you in the chest, because even though thats what you said, thats not what you meant. Not really.

You start to reach out to him while you try and find your words, wanting to explain.

“Erik… I didn’t…”

“What, Y/N? You didn’t mean it? No, thats exactly what you meant. Otherwise, why would you have said it.”

His words are cold, and you can feel the pain behind them as he focuses on straightening his bow tie.

Your throat starts to feel thick and tears form in the corners of your eyes. You didn’t mean to hurt him like that.

“Baby, I’m-”

“No, Y/N. I don’t want to hear it. I mean, God, what do you want from me? To hear me say it? To hear me live it, over and over again?”

He’s turned to faced you now, jacket buttoned at the waist, dreads braided back neatly and his beard lined up, a single diamond stud earring adorning his left ear.

The smooth, well put together exterior did nothing to soften the enraged frustrated look on his face.

“All I want to do is find answers and try to move on, but it’s like you can’t help but use what happened as an excuse to be a fucking bitc-”

He stops himself short, but he’s not quick enough.

He’d said it. You heard it. You’d both heard it.

You feel wetness trailing your jaw, and you reach up to touch it. You didn’t even realize the tears had fallen.

Erik’s frozen in his spot, a mixture of shock and regret distorting his face.

His feet move to step towards you but you take one back, holding a hand out like you’re trying to protect yourself.

He closes his eyes, ashamed, and he opens his mouth to say something.

“Dont.” You cut him off before he can even begin, and you can hear your heartbeat in your ears louder than you could a few seconds ago.

“Thats how this works, right?” Your voice is shaky, and you let out a fake laugh, squeezing and releasing a fist as you try to keep yourself together.

“I hurt you, you hurt me back.” You sniff, vision getting cloudy.

“You meant it, right? Otherwise, why would you have said it.” You hand his words back to him, not even having the energy to throw them.

“Y/N. You know I didn’t-”

“You’re gonna be late for your banquet, Erik. You should get going.”

He gives you one last look, trying to find your eyes with his, but you just wrap your arms around yourself, staring at the spot you picked on the gray carpet beneath your feet.

You hear him walk back to the couch, fabric shuffling as he grabs his coat, and his footsteps move toward the door, tapping as they reach the hardwood transition.

Keys jingle against the door knob as you hear the lock twist, the heavy metal door creaking open.

“I love you,” he whispers, and the door shuts, the only sound left being the soft thud of your tears against the carpet to break the deafening silence.

oh my gosh yall i forgot i wanted to tell yall this crazy story that i remembered yesterday but had straight up blocked out of my mind 2 weeks ago. ok so im abroad right and my abroad program is like 160 americans from universities all across the country and like the first day i was so excited cause i felt like i found a solid group to hang out w. like we traveled together it was fun, but i was also generally pretty anxious because my phone only works on wifi which is like impossible to find here right. and also like i dont drink. like at all. im under 21 from the us and i havent had a drink in like 2 months and the only reason i did before was because i felt pressured to being in germany and all. so like they all go out on weekdays and weekends and i typically hang with my host family but during the day we hang out but it always feels kinda weird cause they have experiences without me so im like oh hey like wasnt there for that inside joke to form haha but like its my choice to not go out and its the right one for me ya know

so i go to budapest like 2 weekends ago w 3 of these ppl (2 girls and a guy) and im like changing in the bedroom of our airbnb and i walk out and theyre sitting at the kitchen table. they each have a piece of paper and a pen and theyre RANKING OUR FRIEND GROUP. they legit have like 1-20 on the page and theyre ranking every person in the group chat, omitting the people in the airbnb. it was so fucked and they were like u wanna join and i was like haha no ill just watch and i felt too scared to say anything (which i regret now ope) but isnt that SO FUCKED LIKE WHO DOES THAT i legit said “god this could get in the wrong hands” and they were like well no one here is gonna tell and im just like??? yall have known each other for 3 MONTHS like i do not trust yall that much especially when ure getting drunk 3-4 nights a week. like no thank u what the actual ?? im still like scarred from it. i thought that shit only happened in movies

Jaehyun | Cherry Tree

Words: 2138

Written: a while ago lol

Pairing: Jaehyun x Reader

Genre: Fluff

➺

It was another of those boring days;

- you know those days where the only source of entertainment is drawing on your hand in black ink and conversing in sign language to your pals over at the other end of the classroom,, one of those days.

This day like any other was not passing very quickly, the heavy atmosphere of stressed and angsty teenagers was unpleasant and the temperature was above boiling, my head felt as if it was melting under the pressure of math.

I prayed the lesson would tick by swiftly, my pencil gripped tightly in my fist, my eyes swaying from the teacher to the clock, teacher to the clock, teacher to the- *brrr, brrr*

crap.

The familiar ring escaped my backpack, the sound whirring around the class making a public humiliation of myself. Eyes grasped shut, i gritted my teeth and bit my lip as silence struck through the whole room, even catching the teacher off guard completely.

I could feel the hundred eyes focused on me at this moment, including those of the piercing glare my teacher produced. "Kim Kyungha". The echo of his voice harpooned in my direction. The fear of opening my eyes now was a level I'd never felt, however I knew it was the only option I could take.

"I-I apologise, s-sir" I stuttered, trembling in my seat, my feet making rhythms as they tapped nervously on the ground below.

"Detention tonight, 5000 sentences." His sharp spoken words cut straight through me.

ugh. Second detention this week because I forgot to turn my phone off.

The first was for being two minutes late; but that was only a short 30 minutes detention now adding another... however long it will take to write that much.

I was used to detentions but never because I was particularly disruptive or a bad student~ usually just due to coincidences like my phone ringing during class or something as small as forgetting that one piece of homework. I usually used the time to continue some extra work which was handy but knowing it was detention seemed to make it more tense.

I reached inside my bag and almost crushed my phone with the rage that slowly brewed in my body, I took a peak at who had called to see it was my best friend Jaehyun.

One thing, he's in the same. Class.

And you know what's coincidental? He. Also. Has. A. Detention. Tonight.

I wanted to scream. I could see his plan from this moment, but the one question in my mind of wether or not I should snitch on him was the only thing that stopped me from letting go of my voice.

Instead I turned my back, where Jaehyun was sitting and sent him a glare of defeat and hurt to which he just giggled.

-

It was finally the end of the day, I walked over to my locker with Jaehyun who's was right next to my own. His arm was now bruised to a purple colour from my fist meeting his flesh at least ten times in the past thirty minutes for what he did during math.

He leant onto his locker next to mine, and faced me with a smirk. I carefully opened my locker, still eyeing on him. Once the door fully opened a few papers which I'd never saw before fell onto the floor below.

"You still haven't found out who's sending you those letters, have you?" He sighed, watching me gather them.

"What they said this time, eh?"

I mumbled to myself, flicking through the scattered sheets in my hand.

"Oh this is a new one" I hold it up to Jaehyun, displaying a really badly drawn kitten holding a piece of paper which read,

"You're perfect n cute n adorable n you mean so much to me. Don't ever let anyone tell you any different bc you're cute and deserve the world. I know you may be sick of these letters but think of it as a spark of confidence and support for your day and the challenges you decide to take. I hope you'll find out who sent you these letters one day and accept me, as I accept you. But for now I'll remain your secret admirer and as long as it doesn't scare you I'm happy to hide behind my messages to you. Have a nice day. Hope we can talk soon. xx"

I read it out clearly, Jaehyun following my finger along the paper as I drew strokes guiding me along each line.

I have to admit, the letters were cute and the badly drawn cat was even cuter. I wouldn't say they creep me out because it has never been anything scary or remarkably insane written on the papers like it's a stalker graphically describing how he or she is going to climb into my window and watch me as they order me to suck to their toes.

...like that would ever happen anyway...

"Well, does it ever weird you out?" He asked, sounding muffled in his tone.

I shook my head quickly, a smile even crossing my face as I recited the words on the note. It was quite encouraging actually.

"Well we got detention now, so hurry idiot" he straight up said beginning to walk, sliding his palms into his tailored trousers. His head turned to me as he walked, gently resting on his shoulder as he hurried me with his glances.

I ran after him willingly.

-

I turned my phone on silent, but not don't disturb so I would still receive calls but instead they'd be a small buzz which the teacher wouldn't be able to hear.

It was just me and Jaehyun in the After school detention which I assumed is why he got me in trouble, so I could join him.

Just after spending approximately ten minutes in the detention classroom, I could feel a vibration at my feet which were leaning against my bag. Whilst the teacher wasn't looking I faked dropping my pen so I had the perfect excuse to bend down to look at my phone.

"Sir, can I please go to the restroom?" I heard the familiar voice of Jaehyuns speak abruptly, raising his hand.

"Sure. But be quick. You have five minutes."

Jaehyun stood and walked passed me, nudging my shoulder as he walked signalling me that he was obviously up to something.

I continued for my phone, noticing a message left by him. He must have did the same thing as me, to get to his phone.

=

Jaebunny

I'll get us out of here ;)

Kyungha

Jae I stg DONT you dare-

Seen ✔

=

I sighed at this moment, whatever Jaehyun was up to, I wasn't looking forward to it.

=

Jaebunny

I'll be back in a minute, sir will be leaving the classroom in a second too, once he leaves I want you to run over to his desk and grab the keys.

Kyungha

Excuse me?

Jaebunny

Sweetie cakes just do as you're told

Seen ✔

=

It had been about a minute since I'd left the chat, just as Jaehyun told me sir took a call and was immediately needed at the heads office.

"Kyungha, I'll have to leave you here alone for five minutes. Don't dare move and wait till I come back." He said as he stood nearing the door.

As he left the door slammed, I sensed whatever Jaehyun did was not good.

I could hear his screams in the hall as I assumed he ran into Jaehyun.

The muffled conversation was only just loud enough for me to make out, it's either this school has incredibly thin walls or Jaehyun is really being screamed at.

However I did what Jaehyun said to do, although my mind was hesitant my body seemed to take control.

I searched his desk and picked up the keys, as if perfect Jaehyun walked in at this exact moment.

"What the heck are you doing?" I shouted at him, to which he quickly shushed me, placing his hand on my lips.

He swiped the keys from my hand and locked the classroom door. Continuing over to the window, as he passed, grabbing my hand to take me with him.

"Come on." He guided me over, opened the window wide enough and edged me to jump out. Throwing the keys at the floor, he insisted I got out first. Luckily the classroom was on the first floor so it wasn't a long drop. For some reason I seemed to obey him. My hands moved on their own, gripping the sides of the window frame and launching myself over quickly followed by Jaehyun who shut the window on his way back.

"Why are we doing this? Can't we just ride out the detention? What did you do? Why has-" the questions flew out of me, making Jaehyun get slightly aggressive. He pushed me to the wall and clasped my mouth completely shut as he pressed his lips onto mine. A moment of silence fell upon us.

He was quick to move after he disconnected his plump flesh from mine. He looked straight into my eyes, I was now heavily breathing, my mouth dropping.

He reconnected his hand to mine and ran quickly in a direction I'd never gone before.

-

"What was that about?" I question out of the blue as we finally stop under a row of cherry blossom trees.

He didn't say a word but rather pinned me gently against the tree and repeated the kiss again, this time going deeper and lasting longer. I was shocked but I didn't want it to stop, something inside me clicked, I wanted this to happen and felt it had to. I began to participate in giving, making the kiss more heated and passionate. I could feel it making him happy as he smiled in between exchanges of tongue. His hands made their way from the tree to my waist, he held me tightly as I began to play with his hair.

But my questions hadn't changed. I was still curious and confused. So I stopped.

His face was now full of shock and disappointment that I had pulled back so soon.

"I still have my questions." I smirked.

"L-look I- I'm sorry something just came over me-" Jaehyun attempted to apologise. As much as I wanted to shut him up and kiss him again I had questions to ask.

"Why?"

"I- I don't know."

"You were the one sending me those letters weren't you?" I smiled, my hands still resting on his shoulders.

He slowly shook his head, now looking embarrassed at the grass beneath us.

I felt something crawl up my back, assuming it was Jaehyuns hand to which I soon found was a spider which had made its way from the tree, to me.

I jumped in shock, almost screaming as it stood on my shoulder. I dead ass karate chop the little shit off my shoulder, and continue by flailing my arms all over to assure it was off of me now.

"You okay?"

I was suddenly snapped back into reality. Remembering what the heck I was doing here and why.

"No. Don't ask me questions."

My statement didn't make any sense, making Jaehyun raise a brow.

"What exactly did you tell the principal?”

I asked, puzzled.

"Remember when He lashed out on our class mate yesterday during our exam?"

I nod. "Yeah and almost broke the poor kids phone?"

"I videoed it and showed it to the principal"

He confessed, now having the biggest grin on his face.

"He deserves it, people like him shouldn't be teaching."

-

We spoke a little more about what was going to happen when they go to school the next week, most likely they'd get even more detentions but at this point they didn't care.

-

"So how was it?" Jaehyun asked as he was about to let me go to my bus stop.

I glance quizzically. "How was what?"

He answered my question by kissing me on the cheek. To which I answered with a shrug.

"I-it wasn't good?" He said, stuttering as if he'd just been heart broken completely.

"I didn't say it was bad. Just next time don't do it after we've just escaped a building and possibly ruined someone's career." I say to which he nods agreeing,

"So... next time? Jaehyun inched.

"Next time. We'll go on a date and you'll kiss me in a proper place and ask me things properly."

"So its a date? Tomorrow. 12am. Be ready. Sweetie cakes." Jaehyun declared, passing me a grin flirtatiously.

I gently slapped his shoulder and continued to my bus stop as he watched. Giggling on the way home, I couldn't stop thinking about what just happened and I assumed neither could he.

➺

oof

Master list

under umbras of bundles  of stars,

canopies of leaves & branches that shatter-scatter sky image held indirect

as a gleam in eyes

as conscious lay in fabricated gardens watching memories, & desires in dream form

from across highway covered by

blue-white, 

yellow,

& orange lights

sound of tires, mufflers, sirens, 

amidst a higher sense 

attuned to

muffled far cries muffled while crossing empty lands

filled with chilling wind howls, stealing hope, 

which

kickstarts the power on survival mode..

ups& downs 

drown the cries further,

that

war, warn, or cheer..

or just sing..

maybe

a hymn made by souls for souls under same umbra to set free to lead to wonder & beauty beyond the surface of senses directly to free to seek love loss between me and me

buried beneath  road of longest journey to reach

turn feet all around

all about a world I have no idea about

just mad ideas about Kept in journals i turn over

to all but from in front of views not yet exploited by value of which is, views are power,  & are the will in word- to-page transaction

self diminished to substantiate

entries from entrails, not shown to be conquered

win or lose is how I never saw things.

win or win, only optionss, only progress..

yet..,always over complicating;

marathon sprints from start to finish

as I choose, If i choose, to continue to choose to overlook slopes in existence, where hides I, in ruins, digging for recognition

contribute to a mind overloading with what I know I owe society, &me,

burden of see-through beast, I see illusions of future thru,mistaken as truth, play victim, get stressed or believe I'm down on luck ,in dumps of depression and slum of beliefs,

 in a slump with headphones on temple and music up, reminisce about the golden olden, me and broseph, SSB, PSO, kanto, johto, cartoon cartoons, many one saturday morning’s, plenty cinnamon toast, fruity pebbles, so many card games at Books-a-million

but when I open eyes from trance

I'm forever face to face with today is today

not then not later...

just

 changes who changed how I changed regret and anger to compensate for blaming everybody but me

now I stare afraid at dilemmas mass effect decisions

 daily in-and-out-terventions

to keep from falling back into resentment.. spite blinding shelves of subconscious-self- disappointed perpetuating judgment of others binding progression, tying tongue, boiling blood because old habits die hard and I continue fucking up, up raging rapids w/o a paddle,   almost 3 decades of failing infinite (according to projections) feel I missed and am missing out on so much, so much world, so many words coiled inside, waiting to explode,

all the time, just like everybody.. everything mind sets sights on turns to target issue     how unfortunate for aforementioned coordinates, for anyone close enough for me to put in poems' , important enough to torment conscious over, used to be everybody, used to be nobody, used to be just some people, now its just me and i dont know him

   attempts to speak, to learn again, to teach me about me       to learn to teach                     myself, to set example for ambition directed toward a better version, better verses, better reimbursement of time given tryna be an extrovert, free from bitter, free from bitch asses, set internal standards to never  get fucked with again, fuck you, fuck him, fuck her, i only fucks with a journal & question  everyone,  everything, every word, every whisper, shit ima tell my children every day, breakfast lunch dinner,  do your best and fuck the rest, get it, get lit off enlightenment, fuck rest, save roosting for death, dont look at me, looknat the sky, seize the day in everyway brain permits, dont reach for others' and if anyone tries to take yours, that means they dont fundamentally respect life, so always permeate passion, ignore distractions keeping you from creating, test limits, test intentions, challenge imperfections with wisdom, know that perfect is just cosmetics, but i remain quiet.. remain tied up being alone, wondering..           whether I'm right to do any god damn thing        'cause if I don't do it right..       was I right to think I could, wrong to think I understood

am i wrong not to try?

what of what's sacrificed ?

how do i keep count

how did I end up here       in standby...

standing squeamish & deer eyed in light of opportunities rising in horizon of night skies, to step in to obtain warmth, maintain from days before, to do something, do the one thing, but when will I be ready will eyes be ready to comprehend right or wrong

only me, here. only us, on planet.

only who's responsible? how is who is affected by, afflicted by? when is too late? when is just right, always too soon to tell and.. if I don't do it now, then why expect change..

why, why, why

'cause I expect anything at all

anger toward unmanned vehicles imminent to collide with mine

driven mad up eighty-five degree angled walls during rush hour, sun beaming heat into ride, where i travel on path, thru battlefield of past where fallen intentions decompose to ignorance and wisdom sprouts in the mean time.. I'm in between times, feelin down, down down down down by the way

a trail thru fears past dead ends, rotting trees, looks like fallout hit

a past I try an' forget..

but remember out of reluctance 

to accidentally revisit regret,

stand next to biggest fears,  see if facing them uproots soul

rolls ideas in head, non-stop

like trolls troll under bridges 

to which billy goat gruff temper charges like crono's katana on zenan crossing,

lodes of odes to oaths, lightning loaded, aimed at negative minded sapiens bioshocks via rhythm and syntax, cryo cascades of ideas, locked away in moleskine or computer files to put to rest the rest of an inside in arrest to judgment, in side quest of public playthrough, i feel im on public display, static complaining in front of pretty much strangers   modes of awareness to mental problems i exploit to people who might not think im crazy, who might like what i write, might like to write about the same thing, might see giants in those same nodes i stand near, i hear crisp crackles filling an awkward air as i stare at words on sheets that i might tear, might let collect dust, or share prolly might be quiet, only sound is poetic drafts that fill in under open windows, I open slowly, cool rush, goosebumps, awake aware always, even when mind is a crinkled, crumbled candy wrapper still just construct wrinkles in time via           hairs stand, ovation, and encores to

     helping to cross over doubts, screams of slander, stop it all, right now, shed truth in another light, fed through veins like pen's ink to go over and correct vision of pinheads vane turnin art, free thought to cash and competition, trade purpose blow for blow with obstacles in the name of the next step, over opponents, trade nervous for nerves robust to withstand standing up to stretch and spread chest to stand up for work where time invested is braided circulation    goin in circles,        time wasted pet peeve number 1

    a nowhere never felt before        but something seems familiar.. overlooked,   under yards, under pressure of bone leverage, give life a lift thru cracks of a collapsing effort stretched behind chest and ribs

a heart glows in

hot coal hues hearth warmth under carbon sheets

till blood boils till steam coils from pores to kill the cold along roads

sun or none

no light above, isn't lack of.. 

(look inside)

----

harsh heat of reality hot enough to feel cold

make me go ghost in dark times..

friction strong enough to spark moist..

continue until i sear nerves disembody fromm pain till im felt by meta-form of others

heartfelt arcs between soul and soul-mind 2 mind

light releases thru iris folds spectacle in spectacles----

spectrum wheel of emotions spins &spins to  understand self an urge that intensifies the more  i live life as well as I can Improve every day, no excuse, don't ignore the corners, get behind my ears,every nook and cranny in creative muse-um, uhm, duh, raised on books, nintendo, animation,& wishbone, outside, only myself as playdate, use every square inch as play-scape under every hair in head, a mind uses face and body as way to create 4 fourever& vice versa to escape who ever & know I can do whenever, wherever

wherever i go, a voice in mind goes

that keeps on talkin , keeps me talkin tellin me I've talk--, wrote enough hoped enough to last a lifetime, but that's not enough

and I still got a lifetime

to either solidify or fuck it up

gradually let go of 

to concentrate on life's finest moments i build to build form in appreciation, saying get up, enjoy the sun rays breaching clouds just before dawn; gett off yo butt and do what you know what you taught you to do when you were at multiple low points and you promised you, you'd never fall to end, even if you fall again, again, and again, never stall in the middle of  takeoff stop in middle of road, cant press play if you lost remote, might as well get up and do it, crawl, run or walk away when the times calls to brawl dark-inner energy only honorable mentions defend health during dishonorable discharge of nega, into rivers, into blue sky.. bordered by white clouds and linear silver

a safe place, work space, desk clerk sifting day to day thru file cabinets memories in memos in notebook; written relativity explaining how I see, what I think say what i want like im eight, glad i spent so much time with words and space-bars,   to escape judgment, hatred,

anxious surrounded by bad vibes

above an Earth, below expectations; over a self under surveillance by approval from inside, crazy dimensions, On the fence between people and myself I close eyes, ride waves of nostalgia once more..

see plenty light to traverse pathways, walk fer hours, walk like back in younger days, playin, runnin, completely captivated immersed in games played, tv, roller blades, monopoly, scary stories, trampolines

&10thousand songs later, 10million thoughts later, here I am doing what I made me to.

can't wait for the next chance

supplied energy through lines to hidden gracelands.

wed sept 8, 3:56 pm

hey! long time no type.

i’m like a new person now! i’ve never felt better, im unkillable! for real, maybe i’ve have had better times in my life environmentally, but inside i feel limitless! i hateeee writing but im pushing myself to articulate what brought me to this new level of thinking.

so to start off, i lied to pretty much everyone around me about what actually happened (as it all changed in one night). basically like i said before, i hate writing. i have no really gift with the pen and being autistic made it all the more frustrating to be restrained with such a limiting way to express myself. yet curiosity i majored in a writing intensive field. anyways i was given an assignment to write about Snake Eyes and Henry Golding and just overall talking about asians in strong american roles etc etc no biggie right? ive done shit like this before so many times and it was only like 500 words. 

so clearly the pressure i put on myself and my perfectionist standard led to a weird spiral, i was on my FIFTH DRAFT and i was losing it. i hated writing, i tried calling my friends but it was too late for ppl to answer. i started crying, i felt pathetic, how was it taking me DAYS to write a simple piece? i didnt join a creative agency for me to do the same thing i was trying to get away from! i tried calling my family but my mom was asleep and my dad was exhausted from the time change and yelled at me to hang up and promised to help me in the morning. but that wasn't enough for me, I just HAD to submit it by midnight for some reason. i started breaking down. being an intern at 25 and still feeling this stuck made me feel like every little thing reflected widely on me as a person. i tried talking to hana, but she was done with these breakdowns and refused to help. i was sobbing, i didn’t want to write even though i didnt write that much, i didnt want to try. i started banging my head on the window. im pretty sure i slightly concussed cuz i was feeling really hazy for the rest of the night after the final slam. i climbed on to the fire escape and started to look over the edge.

heres where i start lying.

the fire escape is old and the railing snapped and the pressure of my body made me almost fall over, but i was able to hang on. in those 3 secs i felt my life flash before my eyes and i realized i wasn't gonna die over this! i pushed myself up and got out, feeling reborn and my mind clear of any anxiety i had ever felt before.

this was all a lie. the reality was much more pathetic.

its pretty obvious how i’ve been struggling with suicidal thought my whole life, and i while looking over the ledge i just stop crying instantly. i could end it all. i looked around, no one would see, maybe they wouldn't even find out as a mangled body is easily mistaken as a homeless person everyday. i could maybe survive by landing for the trash. i imagined me broken body waiting as roaches climbed over me for a couple hours until someone called 911. but why was i fantasying if i survived, why would i jump if i wanted to make it up? i just wanted to be victimized, i wanted someone to see how much i was mentally going through and be validated. but no one was going to do that. not even if it was someone just a couple feet away from me like hana. she heard me screaming and crying on the ledge, she gave up i think a long time ago. they were just empty threats. and she was right.

so maybe this shouldn't be an empty threat. should i finally write a suicide note, i should go in and write a suicide note. but if did that, i would just be putting off this decision for next month until i felt this bad again. i should do it. i shold just jump. im done. im tired. i dont want to try anymore. im pathetic, i feel this exhausted despite how little work i did. im lazy, untalented and tired. i can now rest. i can be free from this guilt forever. no one was going to save me. no one is going to pity me anymore. i was alone and o

and then. i just didn’t.

I didn’t have to feel bad because im good as i am. if i was gonna die, then nothing would really matter, so i could just CHOOSE not to feel bad and i just wouldn't feel bad. who cares? if im gonna live to die, i might as well feel that way. that sounded more fatalistic than i intended but what i mean is that, as long as i was willing to work hard i things i felt passionate for and only hold kind intentions, how can i be wrong?

“I can do no wrong”. my friend Chris told me that when i brought him to this weird party. i apologized to him in that moment, saying if he felt uncomfortable we could leave or try to include him more. i hate feeling left out at parties. but he told me that he was fine and “he could do no wrong”, that it wasn't where he went but who he was that determined how he felt. and how can i do wrong being the way i am?

i left the fire escape, smoked a bit of weed, and decide to sleep for the few hours i had before i had to go into work. i felt like a new person. whatever i wanted i can manifest. i had a whole new attitude to work. im not gonna work on things i dont care about anymore. im gonna do what i want. i never realized how much i was limiting myself until now! how much my work ethic was tied to my self-esteem and perception of the world. i dont live for others anymore. i will live like no one is watching and perform like everyone is watching.

sometimes i admit, it feels like im forcing this persona, that im just hyping myself up into this and ill run out of gas soon. but until them im not gonna relent with this positive thinking. 

because if i do, i know what will happen. and besides, i think i may like this new me.

do i feel like ill never be suicidal again? no, those thoughts and behaviors will be something i will live with for the rest of my life. even if they are a bit quieter for now. if anything i owe it to that for my newfound way of thinking. because i cant die if i knew i didnt at least give it my all.

Thoughts on 6x15 Pressure Test

- More... hunters. Great.  - THEO - He wants nothing, Theo, just seeing you dead is enough. You know what? I like Theo! Not because he’s a ood characeters, but because he’s fucked up and that’s cool to see. It’s a nice perspective to follow. He’s also a leader, but in a different way.  - Theo is smart, damn - I wonder why Liam and Malia don’t have the two circles tattood somewhere. If Satomi’s pack does it, and the Hale pack, than why isn’t the McCall pack doing it?  - “You know Scott McCall?”, I suppose he’s very famous in the supernatural world? The one and only True Alpha from this century? - Well... he’s still a psychopath.  - ah, the sheriff - Okay, yes, Theo did murder the Hunter, but how do they know so fast? And the Hunter tried to kill them so... I don’t know.  - DEATON WHAT - Oh great, visitors commit suicide. Wonderful.  - First of all, where is Deaton going? We’ve never seen this kind fo energy happening to humans. Is it the flesh, body, thingy again? Secondly, what the fuck is he wearing?  - What the fuck is happening?  - I swear to God if Teen Wolf lets Deaton die... - So, Scott probably dialed Deaton for help and Deaton probably proposed he would go as he is more experienced and... yes. Okay. A face. It’s not faceless, but perhaps it was the face of the faceless creature. And why has there been many more before Deaton that killed themselves? - lol Theo is back in jail - not smart Jiang. I love the girl her boots though.  - “Would Stiles think that?” LYDIA MARTIN THINKING OF HER MAN - Nonono the flesh faceless thing is there right? Theo heard it.  - Poor girl.  - lol Malia I’d laugh too. I don’t think though I’ve ever heard Malia actually laugh uncontrolably. It’s nice. - No one asked you to be there, Tamara.  - What in the world. A sheriff raising his hands to vigilantes.  - It’s quite interesting, this season. The Hunters think they’re not doing anything wrong, and the supernatural don’t think they’re not doing anything wrong. But at the end of the day, they both made mistakes. Supernaturals killing people for the sake of their secret, and Hunters killing supernaturals even if they didn’t do anything to them. Really, they’re just humans with an extension, and Hunters don’t seem to grasp that. No one seems to, which is odd. But, peer pressure is a thing and can make people do weird things, so I understand why everyone is opposite of them.  - If you hurt. one. single. hair. on. the. sheriff’s. head. i. will. castrate. all. of. you. and. sterelise. you. Tamara. - “DeWitte” lol is he of Dutch descent? - Why is Malia the only one feeling it? Whatever “it” is. - The pack is not even surprised to see Theo? Oh, well. - I love Malia this season. She has a wider arrange of emotions, if that makes sense. It’s her most “human” season, regarding her feelings, actions and reactions. - The girl is very logical - “There’s only a dozen of them out there, we can take them” YES LYDIA - The last of Satomi... must feel awful. Losing your family members so quickly. So, Lori did die with Brett, she just dragged herself to his body so she could die alongside him. - “I need a thing too” Teen Wolf realising Corey has no value.  - huh, Corey realising he has no value. Great.  - oh okay this is cool. It’s the last season, so go back to basics, back to where it all started, before they were mutations. Wolves.  - Why are Nolan and that guy here? Don’t they have homework to do? Or a life to live? - So small quakes is the supernatural and one devestating quake is killing everyone that comes in your path? How is that... she’s crazy. Absolutely crazy. Kate would be proud of her.  - Theo’s like “ugh FINE” - wait this is like the fist battle. It’s been a while since they actually... you know, fought. Scott hardly ever uses force because he’s against it, so it’s been a while (I think 5B) where we saw some actual action. I’m excited. And nervous.  - COME ON PARRISH - scolia look™ - Please, if Stiles could contact you through dimensions by radio you can fix that radio as well - Don’t look so surprised, Nolan. You stabbed Corey with a pen.  - aww no I liked Liam x Theo friendship in 6A. Well, Stiles hurt Scott in 5B and they’re still besties so I suppose this is just a bump in the road. - “I’m still working on my anger.” But... shouldn’t that be solved by being a werewolf? Scott lost his astma because of it. - “I’m still human” what i’ve been screaming at my screen since this season came out. They’re STILL HUMAN. They have legs and arms and eyes and a face and a brain and a consious. They learn and mke mistakes and fall in love and get their hearts broken. They’re human, just... with an extra. - A pack is a family, Nolan. Before you start going on a killing spree, do your research. - The actor of Jiang is good. Like, they have Lori who was terrible and then him who’s pretty great. He’d be a great addition to the pack tbh, I like him already. The girl hasn’t said too much.  - What is that? And how did Nolan get loose? - Oh, wolfsbane. In liquid form. - fuck okay Scott. It’s been a while since he lashed out with his eyes.     - Okay so they’re blue. They’ve killed people.  - oh I missed Deaton, always with his “We’re closed” thing - other half? and I thought the drawing was a face? Guess not.  - Who is innocent and who is not? What is good and what is bad. Scott’s moral compass is shifting and shifting and shifting... - Wait.  - Nolan is the creature? - But if Scott kills people, will he lose his red eyes or not? and will he still be a True Alpha? - wHAT THE FICK THAT FACELESS THING MAKES PEOPLE KILL THEMSELVES WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE  - nONONONONONON WOMAN DONT KILL YOURSELF - PUTAIN. Merde. Le situation est très grave.  - ooooooh so the wolves and the rats - it’s all because of that thing. I get it now. (damn, it only took like five episodes for me to figure that out) - THATS IT! Throw the bodies outside and let them think it’s the two of Satomi’s pack. It’s one girl and one boy, it would work. - Scott and I think the same *feels the bromance* - oh, the other half of the drawing is in the Wild Hunt Universe. COREY IS USEFUL HALLELUJAH - Corey can draw.  - ancient shape shifter that feeds of fear so it gets more powerful. So, Nogitsune 2.0 but now without a host. They killed a Nogitsune, but that was a fox. This is just... nothing. It’s ancient, nothing they know.  - Oh, Anuk-ite. Great. My actual name resembles that quite a lot. (You heard it here first, folks, Ophelia is a pseudonym woop woop)  - “Two faces may mean two creatures” One beautiful, one ugly. I swear, if Lydia gets involved...  - But this is really interesting. It’s been a while (since 3B) since I was actually afraid and intrigued by the villain. - This is like Aiden and Ethan, morphing together. Only more violent I suppose. - OH SHIT PAPA MCCALL ENTERED THE BUILDING - Did Melissa call him?  - “We’ll go” ???? - NO SCOTT WHY DID YOU GAVE THEM AWAY FUCK FUCK FUCK - Oh... with McCall. Okay. That’s for the best I suppose - scolia and thiam are rising tonight - Wait but when did McCall find out Scott was a werewolf? Did I just forget about that or??? - cute scott smile ™ - oh my god they’re holding hands oh my god - SCOTT IS SO CUTE WHEN HE HAS A CRUSH OH MY GOD HE IS LIKE THE ADORABLE PUPPY IN THE RELATIONSHIP AND MALIA IS LIKE THE ONE WHO DOESNT LIKE PDA AND LIKE PRETENDS SHE DOESNT LIKE HIM AS MUCH AS HE DOES IM SO - - - (sorry anti’s I like them) - ah, all the supernatural are gonna leave town - oh, Mason... I’m sorry. (but tbh you’re better of without Corey but you’re in love so) - NO TIERNEY JIANG - poor Mason - ooh Corey is still here alright - Corey, realy? A smiley?  - cocky!Scott is my kink - I’m so glad Stiles isn’t here though. Mentally, it wouldn’t be good for him. 

GYBurst of Inspiration/Motivation

Where does inspiration come from? - Snacks I recorded a song with Samuel Hawkins recently and that was the first line of his verse. Lately thats been on my mind more and more. Where does my inspiration come from and why cant I always bask in its motivational energies? Seems that my drive comes and goes with the moon phases or as planets enter and leave our orbit. Could be the skys dictating my moods and movements (which i think it does have an effect) or it could be the mass amount of coffee and tea i drink a day. Definitely important factors but not quite the source. My mom definitely motivates me, she believes in everything Im doing and helps every way that she can. Its not financially but sometimes emotional support is more important. Shouts out to Momma B you the realist. Same for my homies and not homies as in people i force myself to be around, cuz having friends is what you do. Actual family that i grew up with and have developed a relationship with, the GYB family. The ones who sat me down years ago and was like dude...... you need to take this rap shit seriously. The ones who are now getting more and more involved with the movement every day, pushing everything to the side and riding along with my dream and making them their own. Everyday the homies are pushing to help me create this vision for you guys as they've adopted it as their own. Like minds on the prize, Shouts out the Layer homies. That only seems to be half of it tho, and Ive never felt this type of fire burning inside me before so what is it? Magazine drama and BS doesn't motivate me, Music doesn't seem to hit me the same way anymore. I used to listen to music constantly, new rap definitely doesn't do it for me.....makes me feel lower. New tv shows dont do it for me im bored with most of the popular shows out. Same for games or just typical activities that people partake in. Partys, drugs, random hook ups...It all seems so blah to me and im completely uninterested. I learned I have to stop feeding my lower self and focus on my higher self and what that part of my being truly wants and thats to CREATE!!! Whenever im around an environment that drives me to create and push myself i perform better. So i guess i just realized what really inspires me, and thats a creative environment. Who is responsible for this? Well I saw the Rotunda Project last weekend at Maiden Alley, a collaborative piece by Fairseas. The Fairseas are a group of musicians named Jeran Simmons, Bobby Dowell, Codie Franklin and Shanden Simmons. I watched them plant this seed years ago and now its a giant tree that you can sit back and marvel in its greatness. The main theme of the film was collaborating with your community. I cant lie ive had many many thoughts of leaving my community to collaborate elsewhere but ive came to a realization recently that it isnt necessary. To my surprise and probably a lot of people around here, there is a bubbling hip hop scene around here that is about to explode. Ive started to invest my time and efforts into this scene now and received nothing but results. Shanden has been a major influence in my artistry because he is always honest, encouraging and persistent....three very important characteristics to have in a creative environment and on top of that has become one of what i would consider my best friends. I look at him as one of my GYBrothers. On to the hip hop scene around here tho..... mysterious person named "A" aka the Hollow Man and he is one of the most promising producers/writers around. His solo stuff is outstanding and the collaboration effort we are working on "A & B: The Empire" is next level. Its been well over a year in the making and will shock most people when they hear the new styles i bring to the tape compared to my previous work. A always challenges me to be very intelligent when I piece together my verses and I like that. He makes me want to grab a dictionary and start reading so I can match his extensive vocabulary.....and maybe I have done that lol. Im the ONLY artist that the mystery man works with at the moment and that hits me now in a way it never has before. Like why me, do I really have something in my music that would make this beyond talented artist spend his time and efforts to make beats for us to collab on and want to include me in everything he does? His beats are above any producer Ive ever heard even in the big leagues of the rap game its crazy but he will prolly have his own GYBlog entry about him eventually. I have to move on before i make this to long lol. Next is JSkrilla, I have met the Skrilla a few times in passing but i dont think we realized what each other really could offer the other. Until i ran into him at the damn ROTUNDA PROJECT.....back around full circle. After that we decided to get together. We showed each other some of our music. I didnt know he made dope beats as well as spit hot fucking fire but he does. We shared our philosophies for our craft and talked hip hop and all sorts of other randomness. Then we picked a beat and wrote a song on the spot. Bar for bar back and forth. J stressed to me it had been a LONG time since he had been able to just sit down and write with another emcee that wasnt intimidated by his ability to write on the spot, or to match his caliber of wordplay and rhyme schemes. To both mine and his delight I delivered. Skrilla really challenged me tho, most artist get so caught up in the main stream BS or conforming to certain concepts and topics in their verses that it had been a while since I had felt pressure when writing to make sure my bars are up to par. Felt good to feel that energy again i had been missing the want to become better and that leads me to the main cause of my motivation and my improvments or just overall attitude change whatever you want to call it. the TRYBE!!!! Snacks, B. James, and Waun D. are the Cerberus of this rap shit. I have a lot to owe to them. GYB and Trybe share the same values as far as what we hope to contribute to the culture of arts and musics and how we hope to impact the hip hop community as well as the communities we all live in. I have done one show with them and have multiple other ones lined up with them. As a matter a fact i cant see myself doing a show with anyone but them from here on out. Once again them as well as JSkrilla could have their own full length blog entry but i digress for the sake of your attention lol. The Trybe challenges me to be a better emcee by making me freestyle. Which if you have been around me doing music ive never been a good freestyler.....UNTIL NOW!!! They have cracked that shell and brought me out of it. Making me partake in their cyphers everytime we get together. Soon Ill be as smooth off the top as i am with the writtens then its over for everyone! Sharpening my skills is not something that other rappers really push you to do. Rap is very competitive and braggadocios so pushing someone to improve and possible be better than you is unheard of. The Trybe doesnt see it that way though, they want us all to grow together. With a shared love for hip hop and me and Snacks shared love for Anime we can talk for hours and hours before we realize we havent done any music lol. Everytime I hear a new Trybe song i feel my artistry being challenged. The message in their music makes me want to really focus on the concepts i present in my music and start challenging my self to pretty much step my game up. Between Skrilla, "A", and TrYbe, everything new I hear makes me question my latest bars which is exactly what I need. Hip Hop is my life and my love and above any amount of money i can potentially make off this art is the desire to be the best emcee to ever grab a mic and thats the same mindset i had when i originally picked up the pen and decided i would be a rapper. Before i saw 8 mile and realized that being a white rapper wasnt necessarily accepted, before all the laughs, all the hate and just general shade i received for my dreams. Being white in this game is a roadblock but for the first time these guys made me realize that i have overcame that hurdle 100 times over. I had a long talk with the Trybe last night and they gave me a boost of confidence that finally fully ignited that fire i had lit but tried to conceal. Im no longer worried about what is cool or what people want. I just want to create and you will more than likely like it because I do have skills that i myself had been sleeping on. I hear these artist like A, Skrilla, and Trybe and i felt underneath them but now i see my self as an equal. We all have different things we bring to the table that compliment each other and its time to put it all together and make it happen. Plus we all just fucking dope and there is no denying. This is my new goal. No more time wasted on what i "think" is the right move. Im going to follow what i KNOW to be the right path and follow my heart. Thats challenging myself with these artist and like minded individuals to always be better. Also as Snacks has said before "move at LIGHT SPEED" thats just what Ill do with my light brothers here. We like some damn warriors of this rap shit waging war against a evil corrupt entity but thats also for a whole separate entry lol But no war of this caliber is complete without a general so shoutout to SirDuke. Ive also recently became friends with this crazy dude and he has shown me in just the short time ive known him more love and support than some people ive known my whole life. He also inspires me because he has dedicated his life to serve and protect (literally) and most importantly LEAD. He has an army of pretty much every hood and every rapper in each of them just waiting for his call. and he is not leading them astray, Shoutout the Kollektiv. Duke is also a talented singer and emcee. He has a show with me tomorrow at the Hangover in Murray MAKE SURE YOU COME TO THAT AND SEE MY NEW ALBUM CONSCIOUS TRAP PERFORMED LIVE starting at 9pm. but yeah Duke is dope and I can appreciate his leadership skills and what he hopes to accomplish in his community by cleaning it up through music. He is rubbing off on my and motivating me to hold that same position with my Layer army of GYB homies ive assembled. Most of them are clueless about the industry and music so its up to me to guide and lead them so they can be their own selves and make it in this world without the middle man down your neck. Im going to wrap this up because it ended up being way longer than i intended but i wanted to also say to my fellow collaborators and friends above all. Wolf, Golden Wrist Banks, Trevell, Dope, Simple, Benji and Angel Mascato. You guys have MAD SKILLS. You guys inspire me too because I hear something different in your music than i hear from most. I want you all to continue to grow and expand your creativity to new levels. Tell YOUR story. The same story is constantly told but how will you tell YOURS in the true challenge. So i encourage you guys like i have been recently, step outside of the norm and do what you truly feel in your heart that you need to, fuck what everyone else wants from you just create the way you feel appropriate. A lot of you are working with Duke regularly and I think he will tell you the same thing I am now. Even if its certain people in your lives holding you back, they gotta go. Surround yourself with positive people that want to grow with you instead of out grow you and you will see the same results. Probably why you guys were all on my latest album, except Trevell im sorry and you should have been but you know the deal homie its all love. Frank.....dammit man just rap lol but anyways ill end it on this note. Getting in touch with that child like mind state and that pureness of love in my heart again. Losing all my intentions to want to be better and out do someone but rather COLLABORATE with like minds in my community has already in return pushed me forward in a lot of ways. Seems almost as if they had been waiting on me this whole time. Its certain that my actions are now speaking louder than my words and everyone is starting to catch on. including myself finally. If you read this far thank you and I love you. Youre more than likely part of the reason why i typed this or why i even continue to do what i do. I trust you guys just as much as you trust ill deliver. Have a great day, maybe you can draw inspiration from this or some of the same people or things that i do! So put down that magazine full of empty content and read something meaningful that you are interested in, turn off the news and watch some anime, stop playing shooter games and play final fantasy, stop eating out and prepare your own meals, dont listen to music just play instrumentals and freestlye every day or just make your own, quit scrolling on facebook and take a stroll around the block, only spend time with those that help you grow rather than keep you low. So much inspiration out there sometimes we just have to break away from what we are used to in order to pull from the experience. Now im really done. and excuse my poor grammer and probably a shit load of spelling errors. That wont ever change, these blog post are run on sentences of my thoughts that pass through my head every day. Sometimes i just take the time to jot them out as they pass. PEACE LOVE AND GYB!!

today I haven’t done anything. I’ve been down, anxious and lazy.

I want to get high with friends and do sesh things.

I want to draw in my notebook which got lost along with my drawing pens

and some other stuff

I left my bag in a taxi

I left basically all my convenient shit in that bag, chargers, some meds, my ps4 controller, more usb wires, more usb shit but its all really niche convenient techy shit

it isnt that niche but for “””””techies””””” and travelers alike (me) its really convenient

usb type c and micro usb chargers, otg cables, plug heads, usb 3.0 card readers which btw i can plug into my otg cable transferring torrented shit from my phone to a usb wherever i am

a tiny amount of oxy and codeine, 2 weeks worth of medicine roughly, plus some 5htp vitamins

hella baggies just because

probably makes the prescription medicine in there look suspicious

my beanie

and a small sketchbook, pocket sized

I’ve had it since the start of 2017.

I’ve been developing my very own abstract drawing style in that book for over a year.

Nothing valuable was lost. Luckily my camera&lens worth around a grand wasn’t in there

but its just all my convenient stuff

and what sucks most is losing that sketchbook

and as ive been home alone today

ive wanted all the shit in that bag

i can get over the stuff in there

but I want my sketchbook back

it has my address in there, my name, probably some contact details

I really hope they send it there. Even if they keep the other shit.

I may have left the bag in a taxi though. Usually I’d walk to the taxi place, then walk back. It’s like 2.5 miles in total which is a good thing for me because I like the walk

gets me outside,etc

but uh im anxious

honestly most likely because I fapped

I fap like once every one or two weeks. Nofap is no lie. I feel like shit the next few days afterwards

and uhhh

my neighbour moved out, which leaves his girlfriend in the apartment next door... if shes even his gf anymore???? i have no idea but theyre both moving apparently

well yeah i spoke to her boyfriend a lot, got on with him

but i barely know her

and i have no key to the front door of my apartment building, long frustrating story lol

lost my keys

i keep going to the same key cutter because i have no cash and they do free fixes when their own keys fuck up

they made one key cut work, my apartments, but the one to the front door doesn’t work

i dont want to ask her to open the front door, i dont want to knock on her door, its just

the word here is awkward but everything is awkward thats not really a reason

im just irrationally anxious. I feel like she doesn’t like me. There’s many reasons for her not to but also reasons for her to.

Either way I don’t want to annoy her

and it would just be awkward if she heard me try to open the door, then its locked and she hears that from her apartment

then she hears me go back up the stairs and not knock on her door

then that leaves us both in an awkward place

do i knock on her door, knowing there’s a 50/50 chance she heard my attempt to leave my own apartment building

then do that shit

or do i go back into my flat, knowing she probably heard me avoid her

she can put two and two together

hmmmmmmmmmmmm

then she may even knock on herself

with her nice smile which is actually pretty welcoming tbh

well tomorrow

yeah tomorrow i think oh well ill find out

im getting more medicine which i ordered since i ran out and lost mine

one that im able to live without for a week no problem, havent had it for a few days

im supposed to get a blood test every month on this medicine but its been 3 months

lets hope im aight

and uhhh

i need some kick out of this slump

i just keep lazing around

like i have so much i can be doing

like studying, making things for my pages

just hella shit which isnt even that laborious

like i make memes

thats my main thing

i have hella pages

its fun to make them 

i draw too

thats also one of my main things on the down low

but i keep putting it off

i play rythym games

analyze music

can be boring sometime but im under no pressure to do that

i make videos with my friend

god yeah i should do that

like my studying isnt that hard

i dont have to clean toilets every day

man  i just

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i want to get high on oxy and codeine for 2 weeks

but theres just a few a lot of problems with that:

money for one

thats 2 weeks out of my life

withdrawal from friends, having to hide that im back on the horse

then choosing between lying and telling the truth every time afterwards about the 2 weeks

then it wouldnt be as simple as just stopping would it?

maybe it would, sometimes i do just stop like its nothing

and what do i gain

but you know what

oxy might give me that kick

i just dont know the prices on the deepweb or how to use the deepweb

plus i dont have the money

but yeah i guess i feel like being withdrawn for 2 weeks

wouldnt mind doing some light opiates and reading homestuck

plus drawing 

then maybe cramming physics and maths work into literally every hour for a few days

im apparently having some xanax sent over by a friend

im having my doubts about that. it still hasnt arrived and he has reasons to not send them but still make me pay

this is my tumblr and nobody is fucking reading so yeah

but still drugs are mentioned, this is public and liable

id mention him but im just gonna say its the serious boyfriend of someone who got close to me

it fucked with him when it happened. idk how he feels about it now but hes polite to me

it could just be a polite front though, idk how he really feels

i actually really fucking admire the dude

a lot 

everything ive learned about him, from him and our mutual person has just been fucking exceptional

and thats on my mind every time she advanced on me

every time i invited it

every time i chose not to say no

hes a really great dude like i just

he could have beat me up that one time but he understood

he understood pretty much all times i think

and he opened up to me 

whether he sees it that way or not, i see it that way

id love to be his friend. maybe i will be even though this shit is in the air

but i think he may just be being polite, he probably hates me

but yeah

i like the dude

i dont want to fuck around with something that matters so much to him

when i honestly dont want to bother with her

shes admirably smart, very much so, but just not really the kinda person i want to spend more than an evening with

and i only want to be around her when she isnt drunk and in a good mood

shes so volatile i cant be doing with that

but thats why i commend him even more

hes stayed with her through it all and hes such a great person, in my eyes, to be in her life

and if hes gonna try to get cash from me this way then that sucks

like id probably just pay him if he asked considering how much hes forked out 

but nah hes gotta deceive me

i dont even wanna get into benzos, as nice as it is a few hours in,

i just dont like this memory fog

i dont remember any of it 

and the withdrawal seems fucking SCARY

plus tolerance and the fun wearing off when u get hooked

why couldnt he just sell me oxy lol

............. i may ask him

if i was doing oxy id probably actually get the fuck up

do the shit i wanna do

but yeah fuck that

thats basicslly all im saying

im getting anxious, low and unmotivated again

id call it dysthymia