#and i am so derealized most of the time I don't even know where I am I just. idk. we need help 😭😭😭 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

haneys · 10 months

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PLEASE DONT TAG AS D/NA/TIONS ETC!!

hey, I didn't want to do this but Im at my wits end. I'm Haney, im disabled physically and mentally, and I need financial help. Recently me and my two friends have been kicked out of the place we've been living at and had to scramble around to find a place that would let us move in. We had no money at the time and we still barely do. We found a flat that let us take our cats and also allowed us to pay some costs like agency fee at a later date to help us. I borrowed 3k PLN from my (also struggling) family to pay the first rent, but we still have to pay 3k deposit to the landlord, and 2.5k to the agency. My paycheck this month was only 2.5k, and girls are struggling with money too, we just don't have enough and I have noone to turn to at this point.

We're around 2k short, not even counting in things like food, and my family is broke, so I have to ask for help. Literally anything will help, because a single dollar is worth quite a lot of PLN. I can do anything in return too: draw, write, help you with homework or projects, teach you polish lang/history, send nsfw content, whatever comes to your mind, just tell me and I'll try my best. I work 10-12h shifts so it might take a while but it'll be done.

I have ppal, and if you're polish ask me for BLIK. I'd appreciate any help and reblogs. Thank you.

^ my photography for attention

#patxt #if you wanna ask abt anything dm me it's just that thr whole story is so long and insane i didnt wanna write a novel here #I'm gonna genuelly explode we have like two days and my paycheck is so shit I don't even have my mobility aids with me my psychosis is #reaching new peaks I. coughs blood dies explodes. I have no idea what to do I'm sorry for asking for money but like this is miserable #we're selling anything we can I'm trying to work more but I'm genuelly so bad health wise and i dont have money for housing yet #alone doctors 🤡 almost everything I eat comes right out of me IMMEDIATELY my leg is flopping ad usual my crutch was left at the last house #and i am so derealized most of the time I don't even know where I am I just. idk. we need help 😭😭😭

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ojbrush · 4 months

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hfjONE spoilers ahead !!! dont read if you havent really seen the show

heres a Link to the show if you are interested, its really good! and i reccommend watching it :3 and with that, allow me to ramble. Canonically, Airy views Liam as a friend. Being desensitized and isolated from communication with others for more than 13 years fucked up his perception of people, meaning he thinks of Liam's actions toward him as friendly, as that's basically all he's ever gotten since. Hostility. He views Liams hostility and yelling and aggressiveness and attempted murder on him as signs of friendship. He doesnt realize Liam doesnt like him whatsoever. He doesnt realize that that isnt what friends do. Friends don't try and kill you, friends dont attack you with only hatred just oozing out of every word they say, every action they take. But he doesnt realize that, and which results in him helping Liam even after his attempt at murdering the guy. Regardless of the way Liam treats him, he still helped Liam by giving him a cast for his broken leg, and giving him bedding.

Airy even gave this guy crutches as well, just like before when he broke his leg. Hes mentally unwell, hes apathetic and doesnt seem to care about most things from being isolated and desensitized to everything. Disassociating when Liam yells at him, derealizing CONSTANTLY. People in the fandom view him as a heartless monster whos deranged and only wants to spread pain and suffering, which is also LIAMS view on him. But thats not true.

(as Liam yells at him, he just stares blankly. No real reaction and movement during the time Liam's voice is raised. He finally responds once Liam says "end this, now." with a bunch of apparent hesitance.) Hes just a guy in a world where theres absolutely nobody but him, isolated from contact with other people, desensitized and forgetting who he even was before. He doesnt realize his actions are wrong, and he doesnt realize that when people are being hostile toward him, they do not like him. He does realizes people were scared, he said it himself. "Once they were on the planet, they all seemed pretty scared, so..." (as said in ONE 17: You move, I send.) He doesn't completely ignore peoples emotions, and tries to make it better for them. But he doesn't realize the way he's doing it is wrong. incorrect, a bad way to fix things. Besides, after creating ONE, the contestants were nothing BUT hostile toward him; so he doesn't know anything else. That's all h'es EVER known. Of course it is warranted, and he very much deserves the hostility. Kidnapping people and keeping them to compete in his gameshow against their wills, but he's more than that. What he did was wrong, insanely wrong, but he didn't know that. It doesn't excuse his actions, but it sure as hell explains them. Airy isn't an insane, deranged kidnapper. He's just a guy who's been isolated for too long, and doesn't understand the difference from right and wrong, and he doesn't understand basic human emotions other than his own. Lack of empathy, if you will.

It's just a sad case of isolation and a slowly deteriorating mental state in which results in the suffering of others due to someone (Airy, in this case) slowly becoming someone they dont even recognise themself.

After all, i bet this man doesn't even remember his own name. this was just a senseless ramble i am so incredbily unmotivated for art right now so take me and my insane rambles </3

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xerith-42 · 4 months

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~cha cha slides into the room~

May I ask about some shadow knight angst or shadow king angst ?????? Also thanks for sharing your OC you’re very passionate about them and it’s good to see writers happy about their creations.

~Cha cha slides out of the room~

First off, I'm so glad you enjoyed my endless ramblings about her. I am so passionate about this character I forgot I made her an entire pin board that's fokin massive, so feel free to breeze through that if it's to your liking.

Now for some Shadow Knight angst... [friendly reminder I am not a mental health expert, most of what I touch upon in this post comes from wikipedia deep dives and personal experiences. DO NOT take any of what I say here as professional advice or diagnoses, I am literally just a freakazoid on the internet]

Something I've definitely ruminated on but never made a coherent post about is how shadow knights probably struggle a LOT with derealization/depersonalization. I mean, both of them are potential symptoms one might experience after prolonged trauma, stress, or anxiety like say being dragged into literal hell and raised into undeath and then forced to kill that which you love most. Furthermore, if Gene fucked with their memories at all then they have even more doubts. And on top of all of that the time distortion from the Nether makes it even harder to know what's real or not. How can you be sure of what's real and what isn't if you don't even know how long you've been gone from the overworld?

I imagine Vincent and Gene struggle with it the most. Both of them have been very direct puppets for the Shadow King, Gene especially, and likely struggle with the feeling of their body not being their own. Sometimes Gene is feeling perfectly fine, just his usual self, but then something... changes. He isn't sure what or why, but the world is blurry and he can't feel his own breathing and his body feels limp but he can see it still moving. He keeps speaking but his voice doesn't sound like his own, at least internally.

Vincent learned to deal with this... problem on his own. He says he's been alive for 100 years, but even he's unsure of that number. He's been around for a long time, and sometimes the things he says aren't true to the time he's in anymore. Technology and understanding changes, and while he can keep up with it sometimes, other times he can't. He'll ask about the latest news from O'Khasis and have to come to terms with the fact that the head family he once knew no longer exists, only survived by their descendants he doesn't know. It sometimes feels like he came from a completely different time and place. He's pretty sure he didn't jump timelines/realities, but he can never know for sure. Not when everything is so... off.

While someone might call it "spacing out", Laurance is in fact having a completely silent mental breakdown about his lack of control over his own life. This goes double if I smack him with the headcanon that he's Xavier's reincarnation and therefore also gets his memories sometimes. It's not that Laurance is just spacing out or his head is up in the clouds, he's literally questioning whether he even belongs in his own body because it doesn't feel like his own anymore. These scars aren't his, his hands are shakier than they used to be, and he can't even tell if his wants and desires are his own because who knows what's the Calling, what's Xavier, and what's his own memories.

Sasha gets a glimpse at how Meteli has changed since the last time she was there and it's all wrong. None of the buildings she remembers are there, none of the guards she once knew remain, even Cadenza looks different. It makes her wonder if she ever lived there in the first place. If the Meteli she remembers was even a real location at all, or something Gene or The Shadow King put into her head. And if she isn't from Meteli, where is she from? Is she even from anywhere? Is she even of this world? Did she even have a life before becoming a Shadow Knight? The only thing that tethers her to reality is Kenmur, but he'd rather forget she existed. Maybe she shouldn't exist.

Zenix can't even remember when or how he answered his calling. He can't remember who he killed or why. He can't remember the life he had before he met Garroth and moved to Phoenix Drop. Did he even have a life before he met Garroth? Did he even have a life before becoming a shadow knight? Is he even a full shadow knight? There's a blood lust that's ever present in his person, but he can't tell if it's his own or someone else's. Is this blood lust the calling? Or Gene's? Or the Shadow King's? Or maybe he's always been a bad person who wanted to do bad things and was just looking for an excuse. It's this kind of spiral that eventually pushes Zenix to rebel. He doesn't know who he was, or even who he is, just who he wants to be. That's the closest thing to sanity that he can hold onto.

That's all I got. For now...

~Cha cha slides out but I trip over my own feet and eat shit in the doorway~

#minecraft diaries #text post #aphblr #aphverse #mcd headcanons #laurance zvahl #minecraft diaries laurance #mcd sasha #mcd gene #mcd vincent #mcd zenix #answering asks #shadow knights #mcd laurance

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adambja · 6 months

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Hey, so I got into spirituality a while ago and I am also have adhd and derealization. I started treatment for that and I know you are probably not a medical professional. But I wanted to ask you anyway, if you have any tipps to be present and feel oneness. I had short phases already, where I had no thoughts and it was the best thing ever. I also had my first few manifestations. Since I am an empath I take so much negative energy from other people in. I am either totally stressed out or completly at peace. I feel like I am improving so much but at the same time it feels like my life is falling apart.

Thank you for your content and your help in advance.

(Also English is not my first language.)

Hey,

Also why did you even assume I am not a medical professional? You don't know anything about me like how am I a neurologist or even a psychologist 💀?!

I literally opened a clinic and then turned down the whole thing after it was half way done because it will take too much time from my life

This was personal so anyways lmao

First of all,

Don't go to a therapist/psychiatrist

Pick a good psychologist for yourself, we are better! most of the time you don't need any medication also you wanted to ask me anyway about the tips to feel present and oneness....!

Work on your self-concept

You can buy the packages I have with coaching since you are already diagnosed with something you will get somehow an extra discount!

Use these affs

- I live in the present moment

- I am in the present moment

Also that empath thing - it's not even real

It's mostly because of your childhood and your parents

Like this sh is literally made up - it describes how you feel and it's just there for you to understand what state are you in BUT NOT to identify yourself with "I am an empath" so quit it you didn't meet the actual YOU yet!

You just didn't work on your self-concept

And when you are talking about taking bad energies from people!!

I mean people don't exist!! Then where are these energies are coming from?? It's you creating it JUST ASSUME THE BEST in fact you can't feel anyone's feelings - you can decide their feelings but you can't take it inside of you or feel it instead of them!

Nothing is actually real

This physical reality isn't real

What is real is your imagination

Did you read about eiypo? Read about it (the right ones pls not the wrong ones)

Did you read the law of assumptions post on my pinned post? Read it

You are literally manifesting all this and you just didn't have your first manifestation baby everything in your life is literally a manifestation!

That's it

Your life feels like it's falling apart because you feel like you are out of control THAT'S WHY I MADE THIS TAPE FOR EVERYONE CAUSE THEY NEEDED IT!! 💀

Because I already know what most of the people in this world is i made a lot of researches and that's another reason why you see many successes from this tape yes they aren't just the affs they are benefits too! So yeah!!

You are very welcome baby!

I would love to talk to you in my DMs due to your situation! Cause you really have something different!

I really hope you never stop getting better and I hope you stop identifying yourself with something that's not really you! I want you to move on to another level to find out who are you fr without all of this!

It's all about self-concept

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muffinninjafairy · 5 months

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BPD : “Derealization / Dissociation" my personal experience.

Derealization can be a scary thing and it is a thing I still struggle with today. one moment all is well, the next you don't even know what's real.

Derealization is a mental state where you feel detached from your surroundings. People and objects around you may seem unreal. Even so, you're aware that this altered state isn't normal.

The analogy that would use in my therapy was "Feeling like I am watching a tv show, I'm seeing all these things occur and just watching it happen"

For myself it comes in and out like phases. One moment I will be lucid, the next moment I'm in a state of internal paranoia because I can't tell if something is actually happening to me. It gets to points in my life where I forget I exist. Like I'm going to snap out of a coma and everything that has happened was not real.

At other times it can cause me to have "time blindness" where I will blip out and its already the end of the day. I can still function but to put it simply, I forget what I was doing or question if I actually did those thing.

It happens when I also have extreme emotions, mostly when I am in a depressive state . My mind will "turn off" and I will just go numb till the emotion subsides in myself and I return to normal.

To help my self with these moments, I use my senses . In a form of grounding I will use touch, smell, hear, and taste. Tell myself what the texture is I'm feeling, what am I smelling, focus in on a sound or voice. and if food is around taste that or drink super cold ice water to shock myself back.

at work I always have an earbud in playing a long podcast. when I'm getting overwhelmed or losing myself I focus on the podcast and what they are saying. reminding myself that the sound I'm hearing is there and I am here. When I am at home with my partner, when I am close or next to them, I place a hand on them as my "signal" and they provide support and comfort to help.

Having BPD is a struggle, it can cause a lot of pain and confusion. but it gets better, with the right professional help and support system things can be easier. And struggling is normal, not everything is going to be smooth sailing. But recognizing that you are struggling and want to fix it is the first and most important step to the path of healing.

#mental health #bpd #actually bpd #my personal experience #shaylee shush

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loserchildhotpants · 6 months

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In regard to my last personal post --

Well, tangentially.

This is only somewhat related.

I've been going for walks 3-4 days out of the week for the last few months after getting troubling medical feedback. I've been improving my heart health. I walk an average of 4 miles, 4-5 days of the week now.

There's this part of my walk, for the last few weeks, that I've come to really love.

I walk at around 3:00pm on weekdays, mostly, and it's always quiet in my neighborhood.

There's a lot of greenery where I am, a lot of butterflies on my walk.

There's this one butterfly in particular that seems to do a circuit at this corner between tree-shrouded ranches.

No one is ever there but us.

The Sun bleeds through the canopy from above us, the overhanging trees are dense on that street, though, so it's mostly dim, and I watch the butterfly make similar movements every time I walk this stretch of maybe 4 or 5 yards.

The other day, I was comfortably dissociated, the way I usually am. The degree of derealization was normal for me, for the most part. I could feel myself slipping into a scarier place, I guess, I could feel the beginnings of 'I'm too deep in my dreams, this dream is too thickly layered, I'm uncomfortable now' -- I could feel the beginnings of that, but I was too dissociated to worry. It was more just a distant awareness.

I paused in my walk to watch this familiar butterfly do its familiar dance; something like a figure eight, mostly in shadow, then into mottled Sunlight.

I thought to myself about how my husband doesn't read my writing, even though I write almost exclusively about love, and how that means I immortalize him with every word. That doesn't hurt me, that's not the point.

I watched the butterfly flutter by, and I thought, 'it's like I'm not here - you would do this whether I was here or not,' which is maybe something like what my husband feels about my writing - I was a writer before him, I will always be one, I write about love and grief, and he knows that, and he prefers to look into my eyes and hold my hand and know me another way, a way markedly less graceful or planned. He likes it better when I'm authentic, flawed, and unedited before him. I don't understand this. I doubt I ever will.

So, I think to myself, 'it's like I'm not here - you would do this whether I was here or not,' and then I think, 'this is a world without me, and it's beautiful.'

The butterfly knows I walk by around 3:30 every day; it knows I use rosemary water in my hair, it knows what the sweat on my clavicle looks like, smells like, it sees me when no one else but some horses and goats do.

And I see it; I see its broad wings flap, I see its dancing pattern, I can discern where its home probably is.

We're covered by the canopy, the world is quiet and doesn't know we're here. Not even the person I'm half a soul to reads my writing, and there are no other witnesses to the butterfly's daily circuit, but I know where it is at 3:30pm.

I don't know that I'm accurately conveying the gentle, loving loneliness of that realization. I'll work on it.

#personal #melanie lives #long post #i'll try to take photos next time #it's never slowed down enough for me to photograph but i can at least show the stretch of road im talking abt

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sophieinwonderland · 1 year

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This isn’t meant to be rude or mean or anything but just to point out something I’ve seen. There are blogs here on Tumblr that actively describe themselves as “anti-traumagenic,” so there is at least some level of vitriol directed at traumagenic systems. When you say people are only against a hate group and not disordered systems for being disordered, that isn’t completely the truth. /info

There may be the occasional blog to pop up here and there that identifies as anti-traumagenic, but these are extreme edge cases. You can usually find at least one person somewhere with the most extreme views.

Initially, I was actually fully prepared to point out that where "anti endogenic" are posted in almost daily by various members of the anti-endo hate group, there "anti traumagenic" tag is completely barren. That was, until I looked again, and found that there was exactly one system who has posted in it.

And I am going to take a time out to discuss some of this system's posts, because these are truly horrendous.

Huge Trigger Warnings right now for fakeclaiming, slurs, and general abhorrent behavior.

Fakeclaiming is NEVER acceptable.

Trauma can come from anywhere, and I can't actually understand being so small-minded as to think that roleplayers can't be abusive?

They also contradict themselves, suggesting at one point that this incident their "excuse" for the disorder, and then immediately acknowledging that it didn't even cause the initial formation of their system. But I guess bigots have never been known for their critical thinking skills.

They go on to essentially admit to stalking this system.

Also, calling people tranny in a derogatory way.

And in another post, LITERALLY admit to stalking them.

And then they continue to go full r/FakeDisorderCringe.

"This sounds weird so I don't believe it is possible" has been used against SO many systems, and is pretty much the entire r/fakedisordercringe standard for "proof" of faking.

I'm always really surprised when people need basic concepts like this explained. Usually, it's anti-endos, but okay...

Look, fakeclaiming anyone can send people into derealization spirals. It's extremely harmful to any readers, increasing doubts that most systems (endogenic and traumagenic alike) struggle with.

Fakeclaiming is NEVER SAFE for anyone! Even if they're not the target. Posting this in endogenic safe tags hurts endogenic systems.

I doubt saying this will have any effect since @sweet-sloths-sys is absolutely terrible and doesn't care who they hurt, but I'll say it anyway.

Okay... I remember a point in my existence where I just viewed myself as an imaginary friend, and thought all of emotions were someone else pretending I was feeling things... and you know what? Even then, I still had more self-awareness than this!

Here's the thing though...

Obviously, @sweet-sloths-sys is terrible. They're incredibly toxic. A blight upon the entire plural community.

But they don't represent any part of it. There isn't actually an organized group of anti-traumagenic systems. Sweet-sloths-sys is isolated, hated by both sides. They're an unimportant troll with no friends, no support, and no influence.

Most others who have identified as anti-traumagenic are the same. Isolated lone wolves without any place in the community, and have usually be pushed out of it pretty quickly. Hence why there is literally only the one blog with posts in the anti traumagenic tags.

#ask box #syscourse #multiplicity #systems #system #plural #endogenic #pro endo #pro endogenic #plurality #fakeclaiming #discourse #abuse

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the80srewinders · 4 months

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Dissociation does not always have to look like "Oh wow, I forgot my name and family! I forgot most of my past! I don't know if the world is real! I am literally watching myself from the other corner of this room!" Same for switches. They don't always have to look like "I'm getting sleepy!" Then staring off until the alter fronts but it looks like you suddenly wake up and act like you're hungover, then say "I don't know where I am or how I got here! I dont know anyone here! I don't look like myself! *dramatically wears wig host wasn't wearing*" then thinking you woke up in a place you have no idea how you got there and dont remember how you wore the wig. Instead, dissociation, including switches, more commonly includes:

For depersonalization- feeling like youre watching your body as if you were right next to it, coming out of it, or stuck inside like your body is a car whether or not you're in control, a feeling of "I'm doing these things but why? " which is vast and can mean anything from passive influence making you do things you have little to no control over to "going through the motions"

For derealization- feeling like certain people or objects aren't real, feeling like the world in general or people or objects might not be real (not feeling like they aren't, but being unsure if they are or not) feeling like the world is a dream or your awareness feeling dreamlike

Identity confusion- having two vastly different opinions on the same thing (bonus if one of those opinions don't feel like they're really yours) having a specific set of "phases" that can be randomly brought out and suddenly thats who you are until another one of those phases is brought out (for example, having three phases you cycle through, the other two feeling distant, out of your comfort zone and unlike you until youre in one of them again, one phase being a emo, the other a basic vsco girl, and the other a masc goth, and while youre in the masc goth phase it might not feel like you, this is what i as host experienced years before i knew about DID) the phases making you unsure about your identity especially when youre torn between most or all of them at the same time, and when you dont know what you like because you remotely like so much and you dont know when something clicks with "the real you"

For Identity alteration- hearing the alters voices as random noise, intrusive thoughts or hearing them tell you what to do, feeling like you look like different people at different times, feeling like your memories or some of them belong to someone else

And last, for switching- because someone needs to say this. Its the most glamorized part of DID and misrepresented in that glorification. Here's what switches really are like- feeling tired and having a headache, then feeling like your awareness never stopped, but realizing you don't remember what happened in a period of time right before that, or remembering part of what happened but not clearly, this is called greyout amnesia and this is more common than blackout amnesia, your memories of a greyout will be fuzzy, probably feel dreamlike or like it happened to someone else. when there is blackout amnesia you probably wont notice for days, weeks, months to years and that's normal, most people with amnesia of childhood trauma even singlets dont notice or think the amnesia is typical childhood memory loss.

Dissociation does not have to be dramatic to be valid. And dissociation can be episodic in people with DID, it doesn't have to be an everyday thing of mixed dissociation to the max. You can go a day without depersonalization, derealization, and amnesic switches and still have DID. The stereotypes made by The Three Faces of Eve and systemscringe are not based in reality. Don't make yourself live up to that or invalidate yourself over a stereotype different from the diagnostic criteria.

#dissociative identity disorder #other specified dissociative disorder #actually dissociative

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koishua · 2 years

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tag game!

rules: recommend 5 or more of your own works that you would rec to someone asking what they should read first & explain a little bit about the work. these can be the most popular, the ones you think are underrated, or your own favorites! then tag five other writers!

note that all of my selections are based on pure vibes only, thank you. also almost all of them are under 1k words bc i can't write plot for the life of me goodbye and also thank you @sungbeam @i-luvsang @yyxgin and @neo-shitty for tagging me! i will deffo check out your own recs soon hehe. tagging @shoyotime @decembermoonskz @goldenhypen @lebrookestore @armysantiny

i like me better (jaehyun) : it's just the way i always seem to come back to his lauv cover and the way it gets me in the mood every time </3 i wrote this while having that video on loop in the background and voila, a serene and kinda cute semi-strangers to possibly lovers where jaehyun visits a foreign country and doesn't want to leave.

le mur des je t'aime (jungwon) : oh god this is one of my absolute favourites, because as short as it may be, i had all of the feels writing this for him. it's one of those fics i wrote where i genuinely questioned if i would ever get to experience the purest form of love.

the way home (yeonjun) : again, vibes in the forefront. i was feeling homesick even though i was literally in my own bed and felt like i was missing someone i don't even really know and so what better way to share it than with a quick drabble? they're strangers, essentially, but you're the closest thing to ever make him feel at home.

rain again (gaon) : no real plot, just a little thing i wrote when i felt numb to my very core. i cherish this one to the moon and back and it may not be my greatest, but it's my dearest. it deals with concepts of derealization and the feeling where you don't feel like living in your own body, your own life anymore and feeling so lost, but not having any desire to find your way back.

musings of a broken, undying heart (heeseung) : i adore all of my heeseung centred pieces to death and beyond. i struggled to choose one, but ended up settling with this bc i want more people to see it (and hoping people will read the rest of my hee fics haha). it dabbles around the idea of an immortal being loved (and loving) a mortal. one is cursed to stay for eternity and the other destined to return to the earth.

last goodbye (heeseung) : it's a short story of how everything you two were came to an end. it's one of my first ever works to upload here i think and i still remember the speed at which i typed the words and pressed that post button haha. i remember being super proud of the first three paragraphs and looking back at it, i still am.

under the candle light (heeseung) : this one is one of ABSOLUTE favourites, because it takes elements from leehi's song 'only' and combines it with this one section of je te lesserai de mot and i adore the atmosphere i had envisioned in my mind. my love for it runs so deep that i even wrote and actual song about it and maybe some time in the future i can share a snippet of it. it deals with the aftermath of a deep loss.

scars to your beautiful (heeseung) : i am convinced that he is my greatest muse, because all of my favourite works are about him. anyways, this is more reader-centric and deals with the struggles that come with accepting oneself and coming to terms with one's past actions and it's my most personal fic ever along with rain again (gaon).

for the tired (sunghoon) : is for my fellows who are going through a burnout or a slump and need someone to help you pick your pieces back up. i almost cried, because no one ever showed up for me the way he does here.

pretty little flowers (sunghoon) : is for my fellows who wanna read a hanahaki au, but only the part where the character is going through intense emotional anguish. also this happens to be one of my favourites. like, ever.

red lights (sunghoon) : is for my fellows who crave sadness and sorrow and anger and feeling lost. i am so sorry to have done this to him, but i am proud of how this one had turned out. it was actually from a longer fic, but it's been sitting in my drafts for two years now and i was never gonna complete it, so i just took out some of the last bits oof

#i. ( pt ) —! tagged.#okay im not gonna ramble anymore bc i actually want y'all to look at them cbvcbcv

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unresolved-shock · 2 years

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I get all worried that OSDD doesn't really affect me in day to day life so I shouldn't speak on it like I know what I'm talking about, or that I'm a system technically but a singlet practically.

And then a total of three medium-grade stressors show up and I'm thrown so off track that I get the double punch of having an adult autistic meltdown while a young child alter also has an autistic meltdown over some, like, lost house keys. Not getting juice right when I want it. Inability to regulate emotions over very simple things. Goes nonverbal, feels like body is too tall, mind turns simple, feels distress over "wheres my mom? where is she? 🥺" Not to mention the blurring and dissociative fog that follows. Nausea has also been a fun addition to switching signs lately.

I forget that due to my own active efforts as well as some luck and a bit of privilege, I've crafted a life that has as few stressors as possible, which means my brain and body don't see the need to switch or respond with dissociation most of the time. There's nothing to dissociate from! My life is fairly pleasant! Minimal social obligations, work from home job, livable wage, emotional support animal, supportive and accomodating family, medication that works which in turn allows me to have the energy to pursue hobbies, access to a specialized therapist...I have a lot of things to be grateful for, but laying it all out like this allows me to see the many factors that are in my favor and more importantly it EXPLAINS why I tend not to experience many of the symptoms that initially brought me to my therapist last year.

I have to remember that it's not how you are when you're at your best, it's the dysfunction you display at your worst (or close to it) that you have to pay attention to. And I can say without a doubt that when I have a million stressors on my plate, I'm almost textbook OSDD (if there were any textbooks out there about it). Depersonalization, derealization, identity confusion, intense dissociation, resorting to childlike behavior to cope (aka child alters), mood swings that don't make sense and disappear as quickly as they appear, handwriting coming out different every time, "conversations with myself" on paper that feel too autonomous for comfort, significant and daily changes in clothing style, and sometimes even the loss of time if it's very bad.

I am writing this out to remind myself that just because there are times of peace and stability does not mean I'm "practically not a system." I can speak on it just as much as anyone else, but I do have to draw on past experiences rather than current ones. I have to speculate what my behaviors meant, but I have to do that with recent stuff too anyway since our communication is abysmal. I should rest easier, enjoy the peaceful life I get to live now. I once did not think I would ever have peace, so I will try to be more grateful for it and let system stuff come to me on its own time. This is lifelong, after all.

#osdd system #osdd thoughts #in the absence of any triggers does it not make sense that symptoms would die down?#this week has not been fun tho ill tell you that #i forgot how unpleasant it can be

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chaoticcutiewhirl · 9 days

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Coming from Twitter, speaking of Vent posts that will likely fall into obscurity as I reblog a ton of shit to bury it:

I hate being around my blood, I am at the point where I can't even call them family, they are more or less just people who I am related too and live with, they all just in their own ways make me angry and have their own aspects that each makes me not want to be around them.

My mother is someone who will talk without having much in the way of emotional disonance, she knows it can be burdensome and honestly she is not as bad as others but can be quite... a lot. Her health is bad and she kinda refuses to do much else besides listen to her doctor who is one of those kinds of doctors who wouldn't be helping you much due to the idea that they give the vibe of being the smartest in the room. Besides that factor she is someone who also is a perfectionist, if a single aspect is out of line or has the potential to go wrong, she will star worrying, and that is the reason why I don't come out in being myself, as Avarstia. I feel she would accept me but given how she is, it would likely worsen her health and give her a heart attack.

In contrast my Dad, he has shown when alone he is misogynistic and often someone who is stubborn and insistent on ideas, he is someone who wants things to go his way and he won't get mad if they don't just he will be very... beating around the bush about it. I may be a snake, but he would be in a fable sense, a trickster of sorts, not with the best intentions all the time and mostly wants to exist, and honestly it both feels like I know a lot about him and don't for the fact that I don't know if what i know about him is true, which gives me more anxiety on coming out than others, especially since I have plans for if I were to be kicked out but I feel its plausible from him.

And then you get the one who I worry about most, my sister. She is willing to pry where she is not wanted, she is someone who will try and get involved when she is not wanted, she will try to be the smartest in the room and just try to act like she is the most important person needed in every situation. She acts like she will be the one to solve every problem in the house, she acts like she will be my way out when she is the person who I honestly do not want to live with most. When she doesn't get her way she will belittle and try and break you down once she has familiarity with you and honestly that gets me into another thing:

With the factor that I do not want to live with these people that brings me to the mental turmoil I have been having: After basically a decade and a half of suppressing my emotions for a semblance of safety, I met one of my best friends in the whole wide world and now its hard to hide my genuine emotions and due to that other things are coming about. Some form of derealization or psychosis seems to be setting in because of all of this, its hard to handle myself in this place and I need to leave but I have no where to go yet and I atleast need diagnosis for my lung issues first so I can escape and give a more physical health reason to employers as to why i am sick for basically half the year. And hell the derealization aspect may be more as my brain is basically me hiding under my hot rock as an intense storm is overhead, it feels like there is something beyond the hot rock and all I can do is bide my time, fearing of what is to come even though sometimes they are good vibes in the torrent. I don't know about all of this but I mainly want out... If you want more of an idea of that vent aspect, I made a one off post on my AO3

In other words, I am not in a good state at all rn and have been needing to vent or talk to someone in order to feel like I am able to stay sane atm hahahaaaaaa.

#Vent #Vent post #How's it going? Its Going alright #trans #otherkin #I need to leave this place #I miss my friends #gods I need to leave #Stressed as fuck #And maybe fracturing

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natalyarose · 6 months

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An Emo lookin 'diary entry' 🥀😩

My day to day life is plagued by the overwhelming surge of desire to be told who I am. The urge to have some wise and weathered soul sit in front of me and tell me exactly who I am, how I come across, what's wrong with me, what's right with me, what I need...

I don't know what it is that makes me this way. Always feeling somehow lost, or like I doubt any of my thoughts and feelings are significant or even real when there's nobody external to show evident materialisation of them. Like, without an external witness to my madness, how is who I am anything more than an internal sea of dreams, delusion and floating concepts?

I could dress any way I like, say whatever I like, feel however I nurture my being to feel- so what proof do I have that a single thing I do is authentic? I hate that it feels like as though the song of my existance is evolving into one of apathy, emptiness and confusion, when I know deep down I'm someone full of emotion, wonder and vibrancy.

Self-derealization might feel worse than self destruction in some ways, having travelled some on both paths.

The level of detachment I feel sometimes feels dangerous and torturous. Very confusing too- I seem to feel everything, yet nothing.

It's not that I don't know who I am, in fact I think I know myself better than most- I just doubt reality for no good reason. I'm always dazed and confused about everything, when the people in front of me seem as real as giant, red apples falling on your head. Although, even that wouldn't feel real anymore.

I try to find something to cling to, to ground me, only to find myself laughing in the face of it, then there goes any hope from building up my long ago fallen tower.

People call me many sweet things- fairy-like, wise, 'beautiful', unique, strong, childlike, motherly, otherworldly.

Free-spirited, perceptive, shy, sensitive, kind, 'talented'... I'm sure there's some less flattering adjectives floating around too-

'Off with the fairies', unpredictable, weak-minded, over-sensitive, messy, neurotic, impulsive, ungrounded. I can recognise these things in me, I can see how that is objectively me- yet I can't take it seriously, I can't seem to stabilise myself in that vision. What do any of those things even mean? What gravity does it hold? Who says I can't just wake up tomorrow and be the opposite of those things??

Ugh, I think I'm losing my mind. Every year I fall further and further down the rabbit hole.

I miss a time where things made sense. Where things just were what they were. The artist in me loathes this shockingly ambiguous understanding of reality I've fallen into. How can I write about my broken heart when it doesn't feel real or relevant to even myself? How can I draw a beautiful picture when I doubt what on Earth that even means? I'm aching to feel again in the way I used to.

Am I broken?

I miss simplicity.

'What is wrong with me?'

#itsnotaphase #emo #rawrxd #420guccigang #420blazeit #tumblrdiary #diary #writing #reflecting #soupandbutterybreadbewildin #lalala

#Spotify

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bandofchimeras · 6 months

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hey dude, sorry not trying to be an ass w this but I saw u had a post where in the tags you used delusional and narcissist as pretty derogatory insults towards the govt. Bashing the government is good and great but using terms that we (at least currently) need to describe mental illness (and definitely associate with it!)... in ways like that... its ableist and dehumanizing and leads to more abuse, even if it feels innocent, because if everyone who's a narc or who's delusional is dangerous....that's everyone w/ npd, or a schizospec disorder, or any other things.

Sorry this is long, and again, not trying to be rude! Just wanted to inform you and ask that you maybe be a little more careful with word choice in the future :)

hey anon, yeah thanks for your concern. I do understand the movement to change language usage around mental illness and destigmatize. And it is well intentioned.

Unfortunately, narcissistic and delusional are still pretty generally derogatory words. A person with NPD may not cause harm simply by virtue of having the diagnosis but we all agree narcissism itself isn't a fun cool trait to have. Delusions are obscurations of reality.

We still say manic, depressed, obsessive, etc in both outright negative ways and descriptive but not morally loaded ways. to me it's just part of language, and the ethics of most derogatory language does depend on who's using it.

I'm absolutely behind not calling everyone who sucks a narcissist. and would like people to stop saying "I'm being OCD" or "that's so bipolar," "he's a schizo" and so on. The "delulu" trend online is weird and fetishizes mentally ill people.

For context: I am a person with a narcissistic tendency, due to my childhood. My life has been a long train of psych symptoms... delusions of grandeur, maladaptive daydreaming, hallucinations, psychosis, derealization, depersonalization, dissociative identity states. psychology is one of my longest hyperfixations simply because I needed to understand my experience. it's been helpful and unhelpful in different ways. Pathologization is a phenomen that can't be understood separately from language, culture, history, and violence.

And yet I don't really have a problem with calling things crazy, insane, or batshit. in fact I find power in redefining and playing with these terms. I've been called crazy in a demeaning, invalidating way. And yeah, I'm a lil crizazy, a bit unhinged one might say. But if a motherfucker calls me crazy to invaldiate my argument, I instantly know they've lost. They're being weak, and abusive. It will also piss me the fuck off. I may want to show them what "crazy" looks like. The better angels of my nature will whisper "keep your head."

With the movement to neutralize mental health terms, what's always confused me is the understanding of language itself. I experience words autistically - they have multiple overlapping meanings all the time. Words are like composite images composed of billions of instances of use, fluttering and evolving as they are spoken and written. Vernacular is messy, sputtering and ever changing. Therefore words carry a multitude of connotations. When different people say them in different contexts you can see and hear different implications.

So, I really don't care if a dude at work says "that's fuckin insane bro" ...to a gnarly kickflip. Or a devastating news article. Insane delineates the magnitude of his emotion. It's out of bounds. Something normies and straights would try to contain, institutionalize, label. Christ, that's juicy. It's why I adore skater boy lingo and teen slang. It's careless and crunchy.

English itself, especially corporate and institutional English, can be a strict, bland, and often abusive language. My fellow autistic homies tend to enjoy a rousing jaunt down into the annals of historical parlance for our everyday linguistic transactions because it's fucking boring, the clinical way we are expected to speak here and now.

So therefore: thanks for your message calling attention to my words and their impact.

There are deeper better more poetic words to call the government and frankly I believe the best ones might be found in other languages.

All in all, you're right that "narcissistic" and "delusional" are not the most accurate, potent words to describe the US government. How to convey the twisted, detached from reality, spirit of that entity best in language, though, I need to expand the lexicon. Maybe using these words is cheap. Maybe it covers over the intentionality and corruption at play.

So I'm going to open this up to some language play - and ask you, anon, and anyone else what words can we find to convey the negative meaning of delusional (detached from truth) and narcissistic (inverted and self concerned to the point of dysfunction), in English? or in another language?

I hope you can take this in good faith not as a deflection but really engaging with your ask.

Being language corrected can trigger my harshest defenses. I can feel in my body all the times someone has punished, invalidated, dismissed something I've said because of using "uncivil" or foul or imperfect language. In general, trying to conform to correct ideological forms of language is like, major wretched, dude.

Hell my dorky ass disingenuous nerd of a brother yesterday called a message I sent the family group chat about Palestine "blasphemous" because I said " my god" and used it as an excuse to delete every impassioned exchange we had so the "children wouldn't see," - him be racist, cough. can't make this shit up.

But that's my background. Catholicism is a mental illness. (Sorry in advance to all mental illness havers for associating you with Catholics)

#anon #language #psychology #this is also a recent change for me so its cool if anyone wants to call hypocrisy #a long road to unembodying the social justice warrior archetype of ultracorrective speech policing #which doesnt mean “freeze peach”#but rather #people are gonna say shit man #and you can tell what they mean by it #and educating people on the history of words wont change a spiteful hateful intent #i believe anon is well intentioned tho #destigmatize mental illness #but id rather energy be put towards fighting material and medical abuse in thr systems

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healinghamster · 2 years

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thu june 9 brain fog

mood: 2/5 pain: 2/5 spoons: 2/5

tw: depression

so far i just woke up and listened to an online lecture (something i'm extremely grateful for because otherwise my attendance would be awful). i have to submit a report and have an exam in 2~ hours so i have to prepare for that despite feeling absolutely numb and dead inside. i hate days like this where i am so brain foggy to the point of not understanding what i am feeling, time, space, anything at all. i feel like i am alice in wonderland (i also had a derealization episode yesterday because of bran fog so it added to the feeling). my symptoms are not doing well, basically. i just took my meds and ordered some mcdonalds though i don't want to eat because it seemed like tha most sensory-acceptable option rn. like i am hungry but the thought of food makes me feel bad? another adhd thing, probably....happens pretty often too.

i originally wanted this journal to keep me in a positive state of mind but i am doing my best right now to just survive and don't harm myself so i think it is pretty good as it is. i hide the negativity under read later so hopefully i won't trigger anyone! i just think that sharing bad days and not perfect recovery journey is important too. i try, sometimes i can't do something even if i try but it is ok because i know i will try later.

anyways, i am going to make a tarot reading right now because it is the only thing helping me with anxiety caused by brain fog and head off to school to submit my work and prepare for the exam.

i stayed in bed a lot today so hopefully i am rested enough to live through today with all the exams and work. i also have a long working day tomorrow so...well, i will think about it later

#hamjournal #tw: depression

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turing-tested · 2 years

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You don't listen to yourself, your friends, your therapist or anyone. What is it going to take to convince you? What is the exact evidence you need? Will you ever get it? Is it all just denial?

i wish i could explain how i can't seem to understand it but the closest I've ever gotten is comparing it to a computer generate image that doesn't actually have any real objects it in, just things that are barely recognizable as something that could possibly exist if it were shaped a little differently or had a little more substance or was just a little more than 'almost but not quite'

or I could explain it how someone might have two hemispheres of their brain disconnected, where they can see an image with one eye, and if asked they can draw the picture they've seen but if asked to speak it out loud they can't actually say the words because the part of their brain that communicate speech did not see the image and has no way of getting that information from the other half

i do listen, all the time. i spend nearly every waking moment trying to understand it and believe it and consider it, to the point that ive developed OCD around the subject and tics in the past few weeks, to the point that i will binge read research paper after research paper, looking for something that will finally make me understand.

being told repeatedly by everyone that im not enacting some bizarre, fucked up game, is something I desperately need, but at the same time, as it turns out, telling someone with OCD that whatever obsessive thought they fear or consider all the time isn't good for them, isn't true, isn't right, doesn't actually make those thoughts go away. it doesn't stop them from spinning.

if someone has OCD about the idea of being gay, it doesn't matter if you tell them that it doesn't matter whether they are or not, or point to evidence for it against. it just rotates in the person's mind and it's something they need answered and to figure out, but the nature of the disorder means that you won't actually ever find peace. it also means that it's incredibly difficult to tell yourself that it doesn't matter.

I can see on the paper what everyone around me is saying; "2+2=4" and I can even read it to you. I can tell you what 2 is, and I can even most days tell you what 4 is. I can read the entire equation out loud and know it. But I can't understand it. I'm just repeating words about knowledge that I have, but the understanding just isn't there, and me trying to break it down so I can is just making me sick. Sometimes, for a single moment I understand it, believe it, and recognize it, and then I just get replaced with a version of myself who can't understand again.

If I knew what it would take to convince me, or if I thought what would convince me was possible, I would probably hope that thing happens before I get worse.

I don't know if it's denial or to what end I am experiencing a derealization or through what mechanism or trauma I'm unable to understand, but at the very least please understand that I am desperate enough to finally believe and accept what everyone tells me to the point that I'm making myself sick trying to brute force my way through the wall in my brain. Maybe I'll get better when I finally just give up.

#ask to tag #long post #thoughts appreciated

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queerautism · 2 years

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I'm sorry if I'm bothering, but I need someplace where to vent. I'm mostly writing this in one go, may misuse therms or repeat same thing too much. English is not my mother language. I'm not spell checking.

I was gonna share here sometime about how I think my "headspace" seems to be a mix between a paracosm and a system, having a mixture between para's, imaginary friends and actual "headmates" (equivalent of alters in this situation. There's no way all 1000 (questionable number, there have been 1000 different paras here, just not at the same time) of my paras are headmates, but there's some singular individuals who are deeply intertwined with who I am, mainly my paraself/parame, who mostly works as a connection between the world outside and my head space (plus she changes behavior and morals depending on the situation, maybe like medians? I'm writing everything in one go, can't search terms) and an headmate who has a role of giving a friendly opposite view of situations, almost like a different perspective. Everyone in my head is aware they aren't real (in the sense they are mostly fictives and are part of a fictional story), but we mostly tend to avoid mentioning that.). I didn't send something like this sooner cause I was afraid I would take too long to write.

However, I felt compelled to send a message today cause my college teacher seemed to trigger some sort of depersonalization in me (and other insecurities, but it isn't relevant now). I wasn't working nor started the supposed work that most people have been middway in doing, that day I barely did anything (was working for another subject I prefered) and he asked me if I was present today or if he should mark me as absent. That lead me to basically question how I've been mentally present the past weeks, and I basically didn't remember the past month as myself (I remember partly the things I did, but I didn't remember it as if I did them. I was having very bad breathing problems caused by anxiety, so I wasn't in a very good mental space). So I was pretty out of it, to the point I never managed to answer.

This isn't the first time I've disassociated, but the other time it was mostly similar to derealization and not depersonalization. Last time it happened, the "helper headmate" (gonna change the name later, I don't want to refer to him by his actual name cause fictives) would basically ask basic questions about myself to get me focused on something. The other paras would sound very far away, but could mildly communicate with me. The diassociation would last around 2 hours (cause it was mostly caused by going to a full gymnasium to do PE and it would end a short time after the class ended). Then everything would go back to normal.

This time however, the "helper headmate" never came to help. There are times where I am free from my paracosm, but not only do I not notice those times, but when I notice what happened (after the paracosm came back), I wouldn't remember anything I was thinking during that gap, like I was going on autopilot while still interacting fine with everything. When I had that depersonalization issue, I lost contact with my paracosm. Only when I left college to go home is that I realized I couldn't contact with any of them at all. I'm currently panicking silently cause I literally haven't lived a single moment in my life without the world inside my head and I don't know how to function without it. Even if they are sort of system or not, they wouldn't leave for something like this, this would at max make them want to stay more. They're my friends, and even if they complain sometimes it's all very light-hearted and barely malicious.

I heard them for a second while I was writing this but it didn't happen again, I tried to hear one song to induce it and nothing happened. I can't have them leave me.

I'm gonna try to check context of them (they're fictives, I'll keep repeating for good measure) and listen to more songs to see if I can induce them back. Really would love advice or reassurance, but honestly writing it here is good enough for now.

|| Gaiola~Anon || He/They/She (preference in this order) ||

Hi there. Honestly it sounds like a really distressing situation, I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't talk a lot about my own paracosm but it is absolutely very much intertwined with my system's innerplace. I'm not sure how I'd cope without it all.

I think the best thing you can do is try an stay as calm as possible, get some rest, and be kind to yourself. I very much doubt this is forever. It's going to be okay.

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