#and frankly I have a lot of ideas for ways we could make it sadder | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

revswanson · 2 years

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i finally wrote the fic nobody asked for about uncle, pearson n some of the women leaving beaver hollow in late chap 6 and well it turned out a lot sadder, and longer, lol, than i thought um but hello here it is

His home… his ever-changing, always-moving, sometimes-bloody home on the top of this shitpile of a earth with these shitpiles that call themselves humans. He loved them, he loved it. He really, really did. What was left of them. What was left of it. But he wasn’t going to stick around to see it get worse. How could it get worse? He said to himself, but he knew that it could. He watched them blow a hole straight through Molly. He watched Dutch, over all those damn years, and he still couldn’t decide if the man had changed or if he’d been like this all along.

Uncle sighed, tilting back the last of his bottle of beer, taking a look around him. The girls were working, or trying to… there wasn’t a lot to work for. He remembered sitting at their sides, listening to Javier play away, watching the women sew and wash and wondering if they’d ever get away from all of this. Them, not him. He had never once thought he’d leave these people. Just yesterday he told Arthur he wasn’t going anywhere. But things were getting bad, and he just wanted some damn peace and quiet. He kept watching as Tilly and Marybeth and Karen embraced one another, having a somber conversation amongst them. Tilly cracked some kind of joke and they all giggled, tears on their faces dripping into their smiles. They were so strong, they are. Uncle realized he couldn’t leave them here.

Strauss was already gone. Arthur kicked him out, in a big scene. Reverend was gone, hopefully on his way to his own redemption. If it was out there for him. And everybody else was dead or trying to be. He just needed to get the girls out of here, and see to it that Pearson got someplace safe too.

He stood and he walked over to the women, bowing his head a little bit- ashamed of what he was about to say. “I think it’s time we get out of here ladies. We’ve outstayed our welcome. Don’t wanna see what happened to the rest happen to you. I don’t care much what happens to me but I don’t wanna die here either, looking at Micah’s ugly face.” He tried to laugh, but it came out sounding more like a sob. The three of them looked at him and they looked at each other.

“Uncle, you get outta here, but there’s still work to do around here…” Marybeth started. Karen shot her a look. “I… I love these people.” Marybeth covered her freckled face, her small but strong body racking with sobs.

“I do too, Marybeth, but he’s right.” Tilly said quietly, looking at something that wasn’t really anything at all, staring into the sky and wishing she could just be… up there. “You saw what happened to Molly. And to Susan. They don’t care about us. Arthur does but he’s not well… I’m not sure what’s going to happen to him but frankly I don’t think you guys wanna stick around to see it.”

The quiet was loud. “You guys?” Karen interrupted the silence. “You’re coming too, you know. What else you got goin’ on?” She laughed, trying to ease the tension.

“I’ve got to stay here. I love that damn kid, Jack. I’ve always wanted a kid of my own. I don’t know if I’ll make it out of this place to have my own, but I have to see him get out of here. Preferably with his parents, but if that can’t happen I’ll make sure he makes it.” She broke, her shoulders falling and her voice, too. “I’ll make sure of it.”

Uncle admired her so much. He wondered to himself if Jack and Abigail and John really would make it out of here, too. He wondered if he’d never see them again. Shaking away the idea, he gently patted Karen’s back and then Marybeth’s. “We’ve gotta start packing up. It was time to go, a long time ago. I’m sorry that I didn’t get you guys out of here sooner.” He wondered, too, what would happen to them.

“Get your stuff. Grab a horse. I’ll take you ladies into town, probably Valentine or somethin’.” He looked over at Pearson, finally, working away at his wagon. He wasn’t sure if the man would be willing to leave. He slowly walked over, thinking of the stories and the long conversations and the songs they’d shared together. The drinks, the dark nights illuminated by the trusty lantern always at the table.

“Pearson, buddy,” he mumbled, “I’m getting out of here. Taking the girls somewhere else. I think you should too.” Pearson looked up at him, hands covered in the blood of the animal he was prepping. For what, for who? There is nothing, nobody… Uncle peered into the man’s eyes and he couldn’t keep his gaze- he had to look away. The pain that was there in Pearson’s face was written in every line, was dripping from his eyes and forcing his whole body to shake. “We’re going to die here… Come on.”

That was all that was said between them for a long time. Pearson quietly gathered his things. He quietly finished cooking one last bowl of stew. He quietly sung, and hummed, and cried. He got his horse ready, quietly, and quietly he helped the women onto theirs.

Uncle patted his horse, Nell, giving it some extra feed for the ride ahead. The poor girl was getting older every day, just like him, and just like him he wondered how much longer the mare had left. He hoped this trip, wherever it took them, wouldn’t be too much for her. He wasn’t sure if it wouldn’t be too much for him.

The women packed the few clothes and items they had onto some camp horses, picking the ones that looked the strongest and the calmest. Together the five of them stood- Pearson, Uncle, Marybeth, Karen, and finally Tilly; she was still looking into the sky, afraid to look at the faces of the people she knew she may never see again. She was almost certain of it.

Together they stood. Looking at what was left of their camp. The camp that they had lovingly put together, here in and near this damn chilly, wet, cave. The camp they had torn down and rebuilt time and time again, carried in wagons that each time they rode went down in numbers as did their group. From Colter to Horseshoe in many wagons, and from Shady Belle to here in much fewer. They embraced one another once more, and Tilly slipped the only money she had into the pockets of the women that had been her best friends. Like sisters to her… stealing each other’s clothes, chuckling over boys and bullshit. She was going to miss them, and it was going to kill her to watch them ride away.

She helped them all onto their horses, and she thanked Uncle and Pearson for doing this. And for everything they had done for her. “Thank you, Miss Tilly.” Uncle said genuinely. “You’re a great girl. You’re gonna make it out, too. You’re gonna have a beautiful little baby. And you better marry rich, because you deserve to live like a queen.” He grinned. “Just make sure to call for me so I can come drink all your fancy flavored booze.”

The five of them laughed, one last laugh. One last, good, hearty laugh. Deep into their stomachs, rising from the parts of their souls that they’d thought died with Molly and Susan- for Karen, with Sean, and for Marybeth, with Kieran. But that laugh would never die: that laugh would echo through the woods of Roanoke, reaching the ears of every wild animal and the God that had forsaken them all.

And they rode away. Tilly did not watch. The noise the hooves of those horses made would never leave her mind as she listened to some of the only friends she’d ever had ride away, leaving her with angry men and a family that should have gotten themselves gone years ago and Arthur, dying and constantly on a mission to save everybody but himself.

Arthur’s voice echoed in Uncle’s memory, tearing him apart with every gallop away from that place. Away from his friends. The only goddamned family he ever had. He was never an angry man- well, not for the last few decades at least. He prefered to walk away from confrontation; of course he could handle himself and was a hell of a shot, but he didn’t like being in the position to need to be. But right now, as he rode back towards Valentine with Pearson and two of the best women he’d ever known, he was mad. Incredibly mad. He pictured himself punching the same spot on Micah’s face so many times that it ceased to look like Micah’s face, he imagined the cold barrel of his gun against Micah’s forehead, he thought about what it might feel like to watch the last breath leave Micah’s stinking mouth. But he couldn’t bring himself to want Dutch dead. The man that had taken him in, given him the benefit of the doubt time and time again… Saved his ass. Despite it all, he found himself wishing the best for the man. He wanted him to get out, too. Get out of his own mind, or what had become of it. Part of him thought that maybe Dutch could still change, part of him was afraid that he could still become worse.

He broke the silence that was only previously broke by the horses whinnying and snorting as they got more and more tired. “It’s goin’ to be well dark by the time we get there. I’ll pay for us all to get a couple of rooms at the inn, and in the mornin’ we’ll get together and get to the store and get you ladies some supplies. I dunno where Pearson is goin’ but I’m thinkin’ I’ll go south. Far. Maybe I’ll go to Mexico and get me a new wife.”

“And maybe I’ll strike gold,” Karen laughed. “But I’ll probably just go back to robbin’ guys that think with their woodies.”

The clerk at the inn acted like he’d never seen a group of robbers and sinners and alcoholics and beautiful women and everything else they were. “I need two rooms.” Uncle said slowly, like the man could very well be a four year old child that needed simple explanations. “I will pay for them. Perhaps a bath for each of us.”

“Okay…” And that was that.

Pearson still hadn’t said a word. He didn’t need to. They all knew what he was feeling, and they all were feeling it too. Aside from being exhausted from the trip and increasingly worried about what they were going to do next, they were all just rearing from the loss they were all experiencing. The loss they had experienced.

They took turns getting baths, and they took turns staring at the wall as they waited for sleep to come.

Pearson let Uncle take the bed on accord of his bad back, and Uncle threw him down an extra blanket off of the bed. They sat in silence, in the dark. No crackling fire. No singing. No beer.

"Hey," Pearson finally said. "You want some?" Uncle felt a cool bottle touch his knuckles, and he couldn't help but grin, unseen in the dark but the endearment lighting up his soul.

"Hell yeah, I do!"

They drank, and the silence wasn't so painful anymore. It was silence shared between friends, between two men that had seen it all and somehow seen nothing but the asses of the horses in front of them and the empty pockets of the pants they'd worn for weeks… heard nothing but the same lies out of the mouth of the man who claimed to love them, who claimed he would put his body in the ground in the place of any of them when the truth is that he would gleefully put each of their bodies aside.

And sleep came, bringing to them and the girls each their own dreams of the past and of what the future could be.

The sun rose and with it, Pearson. He missed the days where he awoke even before the sun to begin his preparations. He missed the days where he'd shout that dinner was up and many smiling faces would happily eat his carefully cooked stew. It was hard to cook for that many, hard to keep them all happy. But he was going to miss it. Wanting to feel useful, he decided to head down to the store himself and set up a tab and get everybody what they'd need, at least for a few days.

Soon after he shut the door, Uncle woke too. He couldn't help but gasp as he startled awake from the sweetest dream of a person he'd once loved and lost. He was alone, now. Alone in a hotel room in Valentine, of all places, having lost his family and home, if you could call any of it any of that. He realized that this was the first time he had woken up alone in a very long time. He may not have had a bed at camp but everywhere he chose to sleep, when he would wake up no matter the time of day or night he would be near one of his friends.

Not anymore.

He realized Pearson was probably at the store, and he got his things gathered to go wake up Marybeth and Karen to meet him there. They looked like they'd gotten a good enough rest and Karen appeared to have had a drink herself… already, today. Uncle grimaced but said nothing, knowing that he would sound like the biggest ass in the world telling her to slow down on the drinking when it was his breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

"Let's go, girls. Pearson's probably touching all of the tomatoes."

Uncle and Pearson packed new supplies- food and clothes and such to last maybe a few weeks- onto the womens' horses and their own and nobody was quite sure what to say.

Marybeth tapped her feet, looking between Uncle and Pearson like she expected one of them to burst out with the best idea ever at any moment… but nobody had a clue what to do. "I'm no Arthur, ladies. I don't know what the right answer is. I think, I guess you should stay here in town for a while and maybe get some work, some nicer horses. Some husbands, or whatever. Whoever. Just find people, to be with. Don't be alone. But don't get yourselves involved with crazy people, either!... I just don't know." Uncle couldn't look at them, he needed a fucking drink and he just couldn't bear to think about what could happen but he couldn't just stick around and risk them all getting found and questioned. He knew how weird they looked already: an old drunk, two pretty girls (one also drunk), and an… also drunk weirdly-dressed man whose hands were stained with animal blood.

"Pearson, what about you?" Marybeth tried to sound hopeful, but her soft voice was coated with sadness, "Where will you go now?"

He thought for a moment. "I'll probably ask around the shops about some work. It's all I can do. They look like they've got enough people all around here but maybe they know where work is needed elsewhere."

"You still thinking of Mexico, Uncle?" Karen slurred.

"Nah," Uncle paused to fish a carrot from his pack for Nell, his trusty horse who had indeed made the trip. So far. He hesitated to think about it any further. "I don't know if me or my horse can take it. It's pretty wild land from what I hear. Me and Nell are probably gonna go die somewhere nice and quiet." He was only half-joking, partially dreaming of the long sleep and seeing his… well, everybody again. But part of him, again, thought of John and Abigail, for some reason. He remembered how much they had all loved the plains, and Blackwater, and the land there. "I'm only pullin' your tails, we're just goin' to go south and see what it all looks like nowadays. It hasn't been too long but time changes things fast. It sure has changed people fast."

"You'll never die, Uncle," Karen placed her head on his shoulder, standing there beside the Valentine grocery, "You're going to live forever. You'll outlive us all!"

"Lord, I sure hope I don't. It'll be awfully quiet without your nagging- I think I'll still be able to hear it when I leave here." Uncle patted her knotty-haired head and moved to get onto his horse.

He didn't want to leave. He wanted to drop dead here, in this beautiful place. Not Valentine, the shithole. This place, next to some of the only people he had left. The only people he knew were still alive and still cared about him, in some small way.

"I better go. I'm goin' to start crying and that'll be too dramatic, I want you to remember me as your smiling Uncle." He ran his calloused fingers through Nell's mane and looked at the girls and at Pearson. "Please survive."

"Of course we will, you old coot," Karen grinned her drunken, sarcastic grin.

Pearson handed Uncle a bottle, capturing the man's hand in his as he does so, "This'll help you survive. This is some of my favorite stuff, imported from across the very waters that I once traveled. I hope to see you again one day and share another drink, even if it's in Hell, my forsaken friend." A few fat tears dropped down his face as he finished his monologue, another actor in the horrible play this has been.

Forever the court jester, Uncle made a funny face and put his hand over his heart. "You're the best, Pearson. Thanks for keepin' me fed and bein' company while the camp slept. I really do mean it, but I'm bad at these kinds of things and I'm really tryin' here." He smiled at them, tears gathering in his tired eyes. "Just think, right now, Arthur's probably beating Micah's little ass to high heaven. I only kinda regret not stayin' behind to cheer him on."

Marybeth checked the buckles on Uncle's saddlebags and packs and made sure he was all set, and Karen snuck a bottle or two of beer out of her stash into one of the bags. "Get on, go," Pearson grumbled. "And try not to get yourself killed fighting a fight that's not yours."

"I pick what fights are mine to fight," Uncle said matter of factly, "But, yeah, I'm pretty tired of fightin'. I'd rather go back to farmin'."

Nell the second, named after the first best horse Uncle ever had, named after someone he held close to his heart, went to sleep and did not wake up again. The last thing he had left of that time, with those folk. On the way to Tumbleweed, what would hopefully be their last stop for awhile, the horse had begun to really make some noise and started to limp. Beside himself, Uncle had quickly made camp and laid close to the fire with his horse, watching her closely. She fell into sleep and he tried to do the same, going in and out of it with fragmented dreams of home, or well, the general idea of it. He woke up surrounded by dark and a fire that had gone out and such quiet. The horse was not breathing. He cried for her, and then he put the fire back on and warmed his hands on it, wondering if he'd be able to sleep any more.

He wasn't, and he watched the sun rise thinking of all he had loved and lost in life, all of the ways he grew and all of the ways he fell just too short. In a while he'd do what he could to properly send off his Nell the second, and a while after that he'd make it to the road to hitch it to town or whatever. Whatever… Until then, he was going to lay here, listening to the sound of his own breath, proud and jagged and existent despite all odds. Tilting back a sip of that bottle Pearson gave him, his mind sung to him like that damned machine in Dutch's tent…

He sung along, smiling to himself and looking back on a better time,

"I ain't got no father,

I ain't got no father,

I ain't got no father

To buy the clothes I wear.

I'm a poor lonesome cowboy,

a poor lonesome cowboy,

I'm a poor lonesome cowboy,

And a long ways from home.

I ain't got no mother,

I ain't got no mother

To mend the clothes I wear.

I ain't got no sister,

To go and play with me.

I ain't got no brother,

To drive the steers with me.

I ain't got no sweetheart,

To sit and talk with me.

I'm a poor lonesome cowboy,

And a long ways from home…"

#red dead #rdr2 #rdr2 uncle #marybeth gaskill #karen jones #simon pearson #rdr2 fic #idk what to tag this with but #if you like it lemme know and stuff

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carewyncromwell · 3 years

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The Cinderella AU is back, and...ahhhh, my babiiiiies. *dissolves into a pile of happy goo*

The Winter Festival presented in Royaume is most strongly related to the celebrations for Saint Nicholas in French provinces such as Lorraine, which are held on December 6th and include lots of music and a parade led by Saint Nicholas (or Pere Noel, as he’s also called), the French alternative to Father Christmas and Santa Claus. Florence’s holiday likewise resembles Italy’s Feast Day, which is hosted on December 8th.

Back in the olden days, dancing wasn’t just done for fun -- it was considered a standard form of socializing. Prior to the 19th century, it was far more common for Europeans to dance in large groups that then switched partners frequently, as opposed to being locked onto a specific partner, and this applies to both formal gatherings and more informal ones. Strict pair dancing really came more in vogue in the early 1800′s with the German waltz, so during the Renaissance, one could expect to see a lot more swapping of partners at parties than one generally sees in the modern era. There were couple dances at that time, of course, such as the lavolta -- they just weren’t as popular as dances like the waltz became at formal gatherings later on. Country dancing, or dances performed at informal gatherings, was generally seen as more lighthearted and easy for people to join in without being expert at it, while court dances, which were generally saved for more formal events, were much more performative and choreographed.

Carewyn’s dress in this sketch was strongly based off of this absolutely gorgeous dress, which was inspired by real Renaissance artwork.

Previous part is here – whole tag is here -- Katriona “KC” Cassiopeia belongs to @kc-needs-coffee -- and I hope you enjoy! xoxo

x~x~x~x

With the arrival of winter, Carewyn found herself busier than ever. The King and Queen of Royaume had ordered that the palace be fully furnished with holiday cheer, so Carewyn and the rest of the staff soon had their hands full, putting gold-trimmed garlands around every banister and decking every hall with holly and ivy. Carewyn wondered how in the world the King and Queen could afford such finery when they still couldn’t seem to scrounge up enough funds to have the proper tools and supplies in stock for their staff, let alone to give them proper food rations -- but from what Bill and Charlie told her, this wasn’t too uncommon.

“It’s like this every year,” said Charlie, sounding very surly. “The royals and the court always pig out on the most sumptuous feasts, and then we have to pay for it after the fact. Just you wait until New Year’s -- the Queen always likes hosting a huge masked ball to ‘start the new year off right’ and the nobles end up leaving the worst messes behind...”

Bill sighed. “I don’t think it’s all selfishness on their part, really. I think it’s to try to lift the Prince’s spirits, more than anything. You know he isn’t allowed to leave the castle grounds...and I’m sure he no doubt hears all about the Winter Festival and all the other celebrations in town around this time of year, from the staff. The holiday season can’t be that much fun, when you’re forced to sit and watch from the sidelines...”

Andre did indeed seem to be in a forlorn mood. Whenever Carewyn caught sight of him walking through the palace gardens with her cousin Iris, he seemed to always be looking away, off into the distance, while Iris tried to engage him in conversation. Carewyn couldn’t help but feel sorry for him -- as much as his parents clearly were spending beyond their means, it seemed to be largely so that they could try to shield him from the War going on outside. It wasn’t a good decision, Carewyn thought, but a slightly understandable one...and more importantly, Andre himself had no hand in either the staff’s struggles or his own captivity.

One day Carewyn was polishing the floors in one of the guest suite, singing the song Orion had given her for the second time that day, when the partially ajar door was very quickly shoved open. Carewyn looked up just in time to see a ruffle of bed curtains, as if someone had leapt onto the guest bed and drawn the curtains so that they were hidden from view.

Carewyn opened her mouth, ready to ask who was there, only to be interrupted by a familiar voice echoing down the hallway outside.

“Your Highness?”

Iris?

Carewyn frowned deeply. She heard heels clapping down the hall, and sure enough, her brown-haired, slender cousin came into view through the open door.

Iris caught sight of Carewyn inside the guest suite, and her confused expression instantly turned ugly.

“Have you seen the Prince?” she demanded.

Carewyn raised her eyebrows innocently. “No.”

“Well, if you do, tell him that Lady Iris is looking for him,” said Iris waspishly. “And see that you don’t speak to him either.”

“I don’t quite know how I can tell his Highness that you’re looking for him, if I’m not allowed to speak to him,” said Carewyn rather coolly.

“You know full well what I mean,” Iris snarled under her breath.

Eying the almost completely polished floor, she rather pointedly strode right through the part Carewyn had just finished cleaning, dragging her heels to leave long, streaking footprints through it.

“Prince Henri might like using you as his little dress-up doll, but don’t think it means he actually likes you,” she whispered coldly. “Why would a prince ever be interested in a servant girl with no dowry or prospects?”

Carewyn’s eyes narrowed upon the streaks on the floor before flitting up onto Iris’s face with a very stony look. She was very tempted to remind Iris that she had no interest in kissing up to the richest man that would have her, and that a man and a woman didn’t have to be romantically interested in each other to engage in conversation...but, honestly, she didn’t see much point. She wouldn’t be able to soothe Iris’s jealousy no matter what she said, and Carewyn quite frankly liked the thought of Iris leaving far more than to try to make her feel better.

Satisfied that she’d gotten the last word, Iris picked up the skirts of her lavender brocade gown and strode quickly from the room and down the hall in search of Andre.

Carewyn remained on the floor for a moment, waiting for the sound of her cousin’s footsteps to fade away. Then she slowly rose to her feet, walked over to the door, and closed it, before she got back down on her hands and knees so she could start cleaning the part of the floor Iris had slid her feet through.

“Andre?” whispered Carewyn without looking up. “Is that you, hiding in there?”

There was a rustle. Then the bed curtains parted, to reveal Andre sitting on his knees on the bed.

“You knew it was me?” he murmured.

“I thought it might be,” said Carewyn, offering him a small gentle smile even though she didn’t fully look up from her work.

Andre looked almost guilty. “...Thank you for covering for me, Carewyn. I don’t mean to insult your cousin, I just...need some space.”

“It’s all right. It can be draining, not to have any time to yourself, even when you are around people you like. And really, I didn’t lie -- I hadn’t seen you, however much I thought I might know where you were,” she added with a wry smile.

Andre tried to smile, but it came out rather forced and faded very quickly. He glanced from Carewyn to the closed door and back.

“...Does she always talk to you like that? Iris?”

Carewyn paused in the work and looked up. Andre’s face was twisted in a very troubled frown.

The maidservant returned her focus to the floor so as not to look at him, scrubbing at a particularly dirty streak.

“Not always,” she said mildly.

Sometimes she says worse things.

Andre’s eyes narrowed slightly, becoming sadder still. “Carewyn...I had no idea. I mean, I understand your mother was estranged from your family and your father skipped town, but...Iris is your cousin. Even if she’s nobility and you’re not, the way you talked about your family, I thought...”

He trailed off. He felt incredibly foolish, for not having questioned whether Iris and Carewyn’s relationship was really that good. KC had even complained about her mother trying to matchmake her with Carewyn’s cousin, Arsen Dupont, hadn’t she? Did that mean that all of Carewyn’s family talked to her the way Iris did?

Carewyn, however, was very stoic in her response. “Please don’t judge Iris based on how she speaks to me, Andre.”

Grandfather would be furious if I were the reason Iris didn’t marry Andre. The only reason that Iris and Andre shouldn’t marry should be Iris herself, and her own stupidity.

“Good people don’t have to get along with everyone, not even their own family. The way Iris speaks to me is just as much my own doing as it is hers -- and truly, her words are just words. They don’t injure me. If you enjoy her company, then you mustn’t judge her too harshly for something like this.”

Judge her harshly for other reasons.

Andre didn’t look very comforted. He adjusted himself on the bed so that he was sitting on the edge with his feet on the floor.

“...To be honest...I don’t really enjoy it that much,” he muttered.

Carewyn looked up again.

“She’s amiable enough, I suppose,” said Andre uncomfortably, “but...well, I was curious to meet her because it sounded like she enjoyed fashion and might have some good ideas for me to try out. And she had a few -- I mean, I still don’t think ash gray suits you at all...but I ended up finding a rather nice shiny pewter fabric for your shoes, and -- well, you’ll see it when they’re done. I think you’ll like them. But even with that...it just feels like, a lot of the time, she’s only saying what she thinks I want to hear, rather than what she really thinks! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike flattery -- but I already get that all the time at court. Especially around this time of year...”

He looked down at the floor, his shoulders dropping as he rested his arms in his lap.

“I have plenty of servants and subjects and...well, people who only want to be around me for my crown,” he said dejectedly. “I guess all I was really hoping for was...”

“A friend.”

Andre looked up at Carewyn in surprise. She’d put down her rag on the edge of her bucket, her eyes full to the brim with compassion.

Within seconds, the Prince’s face had burst into a delighted, relieved expression.

“Yes! Oh, I’m so glad you understand, Carewyn. Erika always says I shouldn’t complain so much...and I know she’s right -- I have a lot to be grateful for. It’s just...”

“You can have a lot to be grateful for and still be missing what you need,” said Carewyn very primly. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do more or be more. It’s how you express that feeling that matters.”

Andre cocked his eyebrows curiously. “Express it?”

Unable to meet the Prince’s eye straight-on, Carewyn fixed her ponytail so that some of the hair coming out of it was restrained again.

“Well...to Lady Rath’s point, complaining about a problem, or wishing it would go away, never really solved anything. My mother used to say that ‘dreamers never make a dream come true’ -- if you want something to happen, then you need to act on it, not just sit around and wish that things might change.”

That’s why I can’t just sit back and wait for the War to end so Jacob can come home. If he’s out there on the battlefield, in pain and alone, I need to find out where and figure out some way to reach him.

Andre considered this for a long moment. At last his face split into a huge, blazing white smile.

“You’re right! You’re absolutely right, Carewyn...”

He leapt off the bed, bent down to get down on Carewyn’s level, and grabbed both of her shoulders.

“Will you go to the Winter Festival with me?”

Carewyn was taken aback. “What?”

“I’ve never been, not even once, even though I’ve always wanted to,” said Andre, his eyes bright with excitement. “Of course we’d probably have to be sneaky about it...but the courtiers will be plenty occupied all night here, with Mother’s ball. There are plenty of times I’ve been able to sneak out of the ballroom and no one’s ever found me, even when they were actively looking. I have the perfect purple brocade doublet I could wear...and I’m sure your new shoes will be stunning with the dark blue velvet gown I made for you...”

“Andre,” said Carewyn, a bit taken aback by his enthusiasm, “hold on. Brocade and velvet...those are hardly things to wear outside the palace, if you don’t want to be noticed.”

Andre blinked. “They’re not?”

“No,” Carewyn said very firmly, her eyes narrowing reproachfully as she slid out of his grip. “Only people of status and wealth wear those materials. People in town wear cottons, linens -- wool -- and they’re far simpler than even the uniform I’m wearing right now. You and I would stick out like sore thumbs, especially since all of the nobility will be at the Queen’s Ball. I doubt we’d last more than five minutes in town before we got caught.”

Andre deflated visibly.

“...I see,” he said, disappointed. “If only I’d thought of this sooner...I could probably have made us something else, if the Festival wasn’t the day after tomorrow...”

Carewyn bit the inside of her cheek. She didn’t love the thought of going against the King and Queen’s wishes, and of course spending time with Andre was uncomfortable considering she was supposed to stay out of Iris’s way, but...well, she agreed with Bill. It had to feel pretty rotten, to be stuck on the sidelines, watching everyone else have fun and longing to join in, during the holidays. Carewyn had never really gone to the Winter Festival as a kid since her mother didn’t like large crowds and she’d preferred spending quiet time at home with her and Jacob...but Andre clearly wanted to go to the Festival so badly...

“...I could...always go pick something up, in town,” Carewyn said slowly, her eyes lingering on Andre’s shoulder rather than his face. ��I’m supposed to be meeting a friend at the castle gate around noon...I could always convince him to walk with me to look for some festival clothes for both of us. Then you could always tailor what I bring back, in case it doesn’t fit correctly...”

Andre looked like Carewyn had just presented him with a unicorn for a Christmas present.

“Oh, Carewyn...you’re absolutely brilliant, that’s what you are! Don’t worry, I’ll give you plenty of money -- buy whatever you think is best -- ”

And that was how Carewyn got roped into going to the Winter Festival. But really, she knew she couldn’t in good conscience let Andre sneak out on his own...and despite herself, her heart was much too gentle for her to even think of trying to tell him not to go, however much trouble she knew both of them would be in if they got caught.

All the more reason to make sure we don’t, she told herself.

When she met Orion at the gate that day, she told him she had some shopping to do before the Festival. Orion had quirked an eyebrow when she had him hold up several peasant-worthy outfits over himself so Carewyn could examine them, but Carewyn refused to tell him who she was shopping for, merely that he was around Orion’s height.

“Can I take this to mean you’ll be attending the Festival after all, my lady?” Orion asked, his eyes trailing over her face with some interest. “I believe you told Ginny Weasley that you’d be too busy.”

Carewyn avoided his eye as she took the outfit he was holding from him and placed both it and a forest green and white dress she’d found on the counter so she could pay.

“I am -- but I’ve opened some time in my schedule for it all the same, at least in the evening.”

Something flickered in the back of Orion’s eyes. Was it curiosity, or was it disappointment? “The gentleman you’re shopping for must be someone special, for you to reschedule your plans.”

Carewyn couldn’t fight back a proud huff. “He’s special only in the way that he needs help, and I’m the person who can give it.”

She took the clothes from the cashier and started heading out of the shop. Orion followed along behind, his black eyes running over her face even while she refused to look at him and narrowing ever-so-slightly.

“...I see.”

Andre was pleasantly surprised by what Carewyn had brought back for them. Although yes, they were made of far less expensive fabrics than he was used to and lacked decoration, he was very pleased with the colors. He’d mentioned having a purple doublet before, so he wasn’t surprised she picked that color of tunic for him, but he was very happy when she picked out some very handsome emerald green trousers trimmed with gold embroidery to go with them, as well as some tall black leather boots with gold buckles. Andre hadn’t really put purple and green together much before, but he really liked how the shades looked together. Carewyn’s dress, however, he did make one large alteration to besides just the fit -- adding a rather pretty trim to the front and back of bodice and the bottom of the skirt made of thick silvery linen ribbon. (He claimed that it was to help the dress better blend with her new pewter gray silk slippers, but Carewyn also just suspected he couldn’t help himself, seeing how plain the dress she’d gotten was.)

The night of the Festival, Andre went down to the Queen’s Winter Ball. After going through the motions for a half hour or so to throw off suspicion, Andre slipped away, and -- after quickly changing into his peasant clothes -- met Carewyn by the gate of the palace. When he got there, he found Bill, Charlie, and their little sister Ginny waiting just across the street, ever so “casually” looking away from the castle wall as Carewyn carefully opened the gate and she and Andre slipped out. Once the gate was closed, the three Weasleys swooped down on Carewyn and Andre, Charlie grabbing Andre’s arm and Ginny grabbing Carewyn’s, and the group flooded into town to meet up with the rest of the Weasley clan.

From the moment they arrived, Andre looked happier and more laid-back that Carewyn had ever seen him. Carewyn couldn’t help but feel like just walking around the Festival, surrounded by ordinary people who had no idea who he really was, made this the best day of the young Prince’s life...and she had to admit, as much as she could take or leave parties, his enthusiasm was infectious. When Ginny suggested they go dance, Andre was absolutely thrilled at the thought of learning how to do a country dance, and pressured Carewyn to show him how. Carewyn hardly thought herself the best choice for this, but found it difficult to say no, seeing how excited he was. Once Carewyn, Charlie, Andre, and Ginny jumped into the fray, though, she did find herself having fun. The steps were actually pretty easy to follow along to, especially compared to the sorts of court dances she’d always seen her older cousins practicing at the Cromwell estate, before any private balls they were invited to.

It didn’t take long, though, for someone to spot Andre. In the middle of one of their dances, a hand came from out of nowhere and snatched a hold of the back of the Prince’s purple tunic, pulling him back out of line.

“Hey!” yelped Andre. “What are you -- ?!”

He looked up, to see the rather tall and foreboding frame of his fencing instructor.

Andre gave a very weak smile. “Aha...hi, Erika.”

Erika’s expression was very stony. Carewyn, Charlie, and Ginny immediately hopped out of line and over to them. Standing right behind Erika and dressed in a sapphire blue cloak that obscured her elegantly trimmed linen dress was KC.

“Lady Rath!” said Charlie with his best attempt at a winning smile. “KC! What a nice...surprise! Heh...”

KC raised her eyebrows coolly. “Hello, Charlie...Carewyn.”

Bill had rushed over too, sensing trouble.

“It’s not their fault, KC,” said Andre quickly, “I can explain -- ”

“Oh, don’t worry,” said KC, her arms crossing as she looked at Andre. “We know full well it isn’t their fault.”

“I say it is,” said Erika rather bluntly, her eyes flashing dangerously at Carewyn and the Weasleys, “considering they encouraged it.”

“It isn’t their fault because they wouldn’t have felt able to say ‘no’ to the Crown Prince of Royaume, even if they’d wanted to,” KC pointed out logically.

Andre suddenly looked very guilty. He glanced from the Weasleys to Carewyn, almost silently asking if he’d pressured them into any of this. Charlie, in response, spoke rather forcefully.

“Well, frankly, we did want to! Andre deserves a fun holiday, for once. Reckon it’s a helluva lot better than that stuffy old ball going on up there.”

He jabbed a thumb behind him in the direction of the palace.

“The Prince’s safety is more important than a fun holiday,” Erika shot back coldly, “as are the King and Queen’s orders. You’d do well to remember that, Weasley.”

“Erika, please,” said Andre desperately. “No one from Florence would dare come this far west of the border...and even if they did, none of them would recognize me, dressed like this. And you said it yourself, KC, it’s likely they won’t attack our forces anyway until after the 8th -- that’s when their winter holiday is, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” granted KC with a frown. Her voice became much more thoughtful as she added, “Though if they wanted to be really clever, they’d strike on or the morning immediately after a holiday, when everyone’s got their guard down...”

Carewyn faced Erika with as much conviction as she could, even though she was completely eclipsed by the taller and stronger woman’s shadow.

“I realize the Prince’s safety is important,” she said in a very low voice, so as not to be overheard, “but if there truly was anyone who meant to target him, wouldn’t they be more likely to look for him at the Winter Ball, rather than here among the peasantry? And considering that the palace is only about five blocks away from here and he’s in the company in one of the castle’s most capable guards,” she nodded in Bill’s direction, “and both his combat instructor and our army’s chief military strategist...I’d say that he’s quite well protected.”

Erika gave Carewyn a beady look.

“People say you’re nothing like your family, Cromwell,” she said rudely, “but I think they’re full of it. You’re just as pretentious and fawning as the rest of them.”

She nonetheless released the back of Andre’s collar.

“I’ll stay for two hours only,” she muttered to him sourly. “When I go, you go.”

Andre beamed from ear to ear.

KC and Erika weren’t much for dancing, but they did loosen up in time, while sitting with the rest of the Weasleys and enjoying some of the fresh sugar-dusted crepes, mince pies, cocoa, and coffee. Before long as well, Andre had mastered the art of the country dance. Ginny was thrilled to have someone else who was just as excited to dance as she was, and -- bless her heart -- the twelve-year-old treated Andre with the same amount of cheer and respect as she probably would’ve anyone else, just like her brothers did. She even ended up giving Andre pointers about how to do the dances better. Carewyn soon found herself getting pretty tired, but Ginny, Charlie, and Andre all kept pulling her back into line with them, and she bit back her exhaustion if only to see them smiling a little longer. It had been a really long time since she’d been able to make anyone smile like that, while doing so little -- it made herself feel that little bit better about herself, and made her stand just that little bit taller.

While dancing to a particular song, the woman playing the fiddle sped up very abruptly, changing tempo. Soon everyone was rotating in chaotic, joyful circles, switching partners constantly. As to be expected in country dancing, a few people made mistakes that they had to correct, but nobody really cared. One mistake, though, was Carewyn losing her footing and tripping over her skirt. The new gray silk shoes Andre had made for her, as lovely and comfortable as they were, were more like slippers than any proper outdoor footwear and didn’t have great traction, so she would’ve fallen right off her feet if someone hadn’t suddenly appeared behind her and caught her with an arm gently looped around her back.

It was Orion. He was dressed in clothes that were nicer than usual, but still modest, including some brown suede boots and a handsome forest green doublet that ended up being the same shade as Carewyn’s dress, though he still lacked the high-collared undershirt one would usually see from a nobleman.

“Forgive me for catching you twice, my lady,” he said with a twinkle in his eye.

Carewyn couldn’t help but smile. “At least you weren’t hurt after throwing yourself under me this time -- ”

They couldn’t continue the conversation, though, without getting locked up in the midst of the group dance. Carewyn was forced to twirl in sequence, just to avoid another pair moving on through.

“Shall we?” she asked.

Orion suddenly looked oddly wary, like a foal learning how to walk.

“I’m afraid I’ve never done this before,” he murmured, just barely dodging another pair of dancers.

Following the sequence, Carewyn rested an arm lightly around Orion’s waist, steering him in a circle.

“Don’t worry,” she said, as she offered him an encouraging smile. “It’s only a pattern...no one will complain if you make a mistake. Follow me.”

His face betraying some hesitance, Orion nonetheless found himself letting go, mirroring Carewyn in stylized turns and spirals through the dancing crowd.

Orion had come to the Festival because he’d guessed that the mysterious “guest” Carewyn was shopping for was -- in fact -- the Prince of Royaume, and thus this would be the perfect opportunity for Orion to meet him and get a better fix on his character. But even with this goal in his mind, he’d found his inner balance oddly disturbed, when he caught sight of Carewyn. She’d always been a rather pretty woman, but in the company of her friends -- smiling with such pure, undiluted happiness, at the sight of how happy they were -- her blue eyes sparkling with such soft emotion, every time they laughed -- her ginger hair flying free as a flag behind her as she twirled around them...it distracted him. It was an unwelcome distraction, one he was quick to scold himself for, before trying to relocate his center and return to the task at hand. And yet, when Carewyn lost her footing, he found himself once again throwing away his own internal balance and laser-pointed focus in favor of turbulent, emotional chaos...and soon they were dancing, and Orion found himself surfing in that chaos -- relishing that wild, but liberating warmth he felt coming off of her. Was it some magical aura she had, that made him feel like he was dancing with a blazing, soothing fire even as the snow began to fall overhead?

Carewyn Cromwell truly was a remarkable woman, to divert the Prince of Florence’s focus away from his one and only goal...and yet, as Orion danced with her, he couldn’t help but think...oh, if their world could be but a world where they could dance like this anywhere...even in Florence, where everyone knew his face...

When the dance came to an end, everyone clapped, and Carewyn and Orion moved off to the side together to sit with Bill, Ron, KC, and Erika. Erika was very suspicious of Orion from the off-set, finding him way too “pleasant” for her tastes, but Orion wasn’t the least bit offended. If anything, he said with a wry smile, her aggressive aura in some ways reminded him of a good friend of his. After several more rounds, Andre, Charlie, and Ginny finally came to sit down with the others for a quick break.

“Whew! I’m parched,” said Andre. He brought a hand up to wipe the sweat from his brow.

“Here,” said Bill.

He offered the Prince a stein of apple cider. Andre gulped down about half of it before lowering the stein, his mouth stretched into a broad smile.

“Oh, Carewyn, thank you for this,” he said, reaching out a hand to squeeze hers. “If I’d had any concept just how much fun this was, I would’ve come years ago.”

Carewyn smiled, looking genuinely touched. “I’m glad you’re having fun, Andre.”

Orion glanced from Carewyn to Andre and back. His face was very unreadable, but his black eyes had widened noticeably.

This must be him, he realized. Prince Henri.

The thought was a club to the back of the head, knocking some sense back into him after having gotten so thoroughly distracted. Orion’s thoughts moved very quickly as he watched the two interact.

“I am,” Andre said fervently, his eyes squinting slightly as he beamed. “And I hope you know how grateful I am...”

Something grimmer flickered over his face.

“...I hope you know...Iris was wrong, about how I see you.”

Carewyn was startled. “Andre...”

“I don’t just see you like a little dress-up doll,” said Andre very seriously, as he squeezed her hand. “You’re my friend, and a good one, at that. And for what it’s worth...” he smiled broadly, “...I’d say any royal should be proud, to have you on their arm.”

Carewyn was clearly a bit overwhelmed by the Prince’s complimentary words. Her gaze had drifted down to the table.

“...Thank you, Andre,” she said very softly.

Although her face was demure, her sparkling eyes and voice betrayed some deep, genuine emotion -- and despite himself, Orion felt some warm pride welling up in his chest, at the sound of it. Catching himself, Orion forced himself to return to the task at hand and lightly cleared his throat.

“Forgive me,” he said politely, “but I don’t think we’ve met.”

Carewyn looked from Andre to Orion quickly.

“Oh -- yes,” she said, “Andre...this is Orion. Orion, Andre.”

Andre’s eyes lit up at the name.

“So this is the infamous Orion you’ve been telling me about, KC!” he said, shooting a bright grin over at his cousin.

Orion raised his eyebrows curiously. “‘Infamous?’ I must wonder what she’s told you, for me to have earned that title.”

KC grinned. “Just that you saved Carewyn from a bucking horse, pulled her out of a ravine, and climbed over the castle wall twice just to visit her.”

Ginny’s freckled face lit up. “Orion, you did all that? That’s so romantic!”

Both Orion and Carewyn immediately tried to correct the record, but no one seemed to care much. Andre was laughing most of the time.

“Are you well-traveled, Orion?” asked Andre. “Judging by the way your doublet is distressed, I’d guess you’ve been to the Islands in the Southern Sea -- I’ve only seen such fabrics as imports.”

“I’m...afraid I haven’t, actually,” confessed Orion. “Though I have been to the Southern Sea.”

Florence’s castle was actually positioned on the shore, right by the sea. It was one of the few things Orion could say in its favor, even though there were times it made him long to cast off and never return.

Everyone seemed interested in this.

“You have?” said Charlie eagerly. “What’s it like?”

“Did you sail on a ship?” asked Ginny.

“Were you ever attacked by pirates?” added Ron.

“Nothing that exciting, I’m afraid,” Orion chuckled. “I’ve only seen it, not sailed it...at least, not yet.”

Carewyn’s red lips turned up into a full, pretty smile. “It must be beautiful, though.”

Orion turned to her, his own mouth spread in a grin. “It’s breathtaking. A seemingly endless void of blue that nonetheless sparkles as green as jade and as white as pearl. It’s as translucent as crystal, and yet so deep and mysterious that ships have been swallowed whole by it, and no man could ever discover all of its secrets. Its waves whisper to you as it ghosts the shoreline, and yet it can also roar and ravage like a beast, without warning or mercy. It can hypnotize you, draw you in...make you long to drown yourself in it, while simultaneously wanting it to spirit you away, over the horizon...”

Like your eyes.

Orion caught himself staring in them. Closing his eyes and bowing his head, he forced a soft laugh.

“Forgive me -- I’ve gotten carried away...”

“Not at all,” said Carewyn gently. She rested a hand lightly on top of his forearm. “It sounds wonderful.”

Orion found himself unsure of how to respond to her touch. He’d never really been around a lot of physical affection before, so he was at a bit of a loss of what to do in such a situation. Fortunately Carewyn withdrew not long after, and Orion tried to find his center of balance again by turning his focus back to Andre.

“...I must say, though...your attention to detail is impressive, Andre. I can see why you and Carewyn get along -- she also has an eye for hair and clothing pieces.”

“Of course she does,” said Charlie, sparing a playful smile in Carewyn’s direction. “Carey is our little lady, after all.”

Carewyn shot Charlie an attempt at a sardonic look, but it was foiled by the broad smile that had conquered her face.

“That she is!” Andre laughed.

“A lady with considerable grit, however,” said Bill, his mouth turned up in a wry smile not unlike Charlie’s. “I’ve never seen anyone else climb up onto a mantle, just to reach a chandelier.”

KC looked at Carewyn incredulously. “What? Why didn’t you get a ladder?”

“It wasn’t necessary,” said Carewyn primly, crossing her arms. “I had it under control.”

Orion’s black eyes sparkled affectionately. “I’d say even an experienced soldier in the field would hesitate before climbing over a steep cliff and into a briar patch at the bottom of a ravine...wouldn’t you agree, Andre?”

Andre nodded. “I daresay so! Though I’ve never been to the battlefield myself, or met any soldiers...I would dearly like to, though.”

Orion frowned. “Like to?”

“Well, yes,” said Andre, his tone becoming more serious. “We could use all the help we can get out there...I’d love to feel like I could really help the war effort on the ground, rather than staying at home. Especially when my comfort is built on the backs of those who are hurting.”

Orion’s gaze fell down onto his hands as they clasped together on the table.

“...Your conviction is inspiring,” he said softly. “But believe me...a battlefield is not a place anyone should like to visit.”

Not long after, Erika rather abruptly rose to her feet and told Andre it was time to leave. The group all left the festival together, though Carewyn lingered behind with Orion, so as to try to give Andre cover for getting back inside the palace without anyone noticing.

Once they were alone, Orion once again found himself off-balance. He’d acknowledged before that Carewyn indeed was a person to be admired, as well as a person who could be admired by anyone...even him. He did admire her. He enjoyed her company -- he found her witty and engaging -- he identified with her independence, resilience, and determination -- he was struck by her compassion and utter selflessness. She was like him in so many ways, and yet she was methodical and insightful, as well as braver than a bear, despite her size. Her voice was so soothing, and yet it rippled with a kind of deep passion and emotion that it truly rivaled the deep, dark sea. And tonight especially...tonight, he kept catching himself staring...but none of that mattered. None of it should matter, in the face of achieving peace for Florence.

“She’s not on your side,” McNully’s words returned to him. “She’s on Royaume’s. Just...mind that you use your head as well as your heart, all right?”

Orion couldn’t help but feel as though using his head would be easier if he could more easily tell which way was up.

“I’m glad you came, Orion,” said Carewyn. “I’m sorry I wasn’t a better dance instructor -- dancing isn’t really my area of expertise.”

Orion’s black eyes sparkled mischievously. “Perhaps we shall simply have to dance again in the future, so that we might practice.”

Carewyn giggled. “Somehow I doubt either of us will be attending any grand balls in the future.”

Orion’s amused gaze softened as it trailed over her cold-kissed pink cheeks and along the snowflakes clinging to the ginger waves cascading down her back.

Carewyn tilted her head, her lips twisted up in a wryly questioning smile. “...What?”

Orion looked away quickly.

“Forgive me -- I merely...don’t recall ever having seen you wear your hair down before. It’s...different.”

Carewyn brought a hand through her hair absently. “Mm...yeah, I guess it would be. I don’t wear my hair down much, but...well, I figured for a casual event like this, it wouldn’t be a problem...”

“It’s no problem at all,” said Orion. He kept his tone as level as possible, even though he felt a flush creeping up his neck. “I was just thinking it was appropriate...to see you letting loose with your friends, the same day you chose to wear your hair free...”

He came to a stop, and Carewyn stopped too, turning around to face him properly. Orion reached out his hand and -- very tentatively -- took hers, holding it between their chests like a gentleman.

“...You should be allowed to feel like that more often,” Orion murmured. “Free.”

Carewyn scanned Orion’s face, her eyes lingering on his before dipping into the corners of lips. Orion felt his heartbeat pounding in his ears. He wanted to kiss her hand, but...did he dare?

“She’s not on your team.”

“You reckon little Miss Knight-in-Shining-Armor would take kindly to that, when she finds out?

“Mind that you use your head as well as your heart, all right?”

It was just too much. Orion couldn’t think, whenever his thoughts got too loud. Closing his eyes, he took several deep, measured breaths. Only once he’d brought his heart rate down did he open his eyes again.

“I should go,” he said at last, his voice coming out much more calmly than he felt.

His eyes flickered down to his hand holding hers again, but he’d already lost his nerve. He released her hand, even though his hand felt like it had chilled as soon as the contact was broken.

“...Good night, Carewyn.”

He turned to go.

“Orion.”

Carewyn’s hand enclosed over his. Orion stiffened, his heart pounding full-force once more, and he turned back around to face her, just as she raised his hand up to her own lips and placed a gentle kiss to the back of it.

Orion stared. She raised her head with a smile, releasing Orion’s hand with a kind of muted confidence even despite the pinkness of her cheeks.

“Until we meet again, Mr. Freeman.”

With this, she picked up her skirts and darted away up the street, in the direction of the palace.

Orion stared after her. He stared long after she was out of sight, his galaxy-like black eyes staring at the swirling snow without even seeing it. He tentatively took his own hand, trailing his thumb over the place her lips had grazed...and despite all judgment, despite all rational thought, he found his lips turning up in a smile of their own accord. He’d never felt so light and so off-balance in all his life -- was this what it felt like, to glide on a bird’s wings? And yet he knew, despite the weightlessness he felt, it was instead indicative that he’d fallen.

In the midst of using her to get intelligence about her kingdom...in the midst of him following the strategy he’d laid out to get the end of the War he wanted, by learning their weak points and using them to soften others to him...Prince Cosimo Orion Amari, heir to the throne of Florence, had fallen head over heels in love.

#hphm #hogwarts mystery #cinderella au #my art #my writing #orion amari #carewyn cromwell #andre egwu #bill weasley #charlie weasley #ginny weasley #ron weasley #katriona cassiopeia #erika rath #murphy mcnully #skye parkin #GAAAAAAH #I am so friggin' happy right now #the drawing was tricky but I'm actually kind of happy with it!#carewyn could sense orion's shyness and decided to give the poor guy a hand :3 #she probably isn't as aware of how deep her feelings are yet as orion is but she is very fond of him #that'll be made clearer in the next part #also andre I friggin' adore you ;~;#in carewyn's canon she and andre actually dated briefly at school XDD #but they ultimately broke up because they needed something different in a relationship #andre isn't really as feelsy and sensitive as carewyn and as stoic as she is she honestly does appreciate sensitivity #andre's the sort to push carewyn's more perfectionistic instincts not help her chill the f*** out like orion can #but they still make great friends <33

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bisluthq · 4 years

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SS Tily does not lay claim to Lover; a thesis

I thought this would take me longer but y’all, I’m done with Part 2 of my Gaylor analyses. Unfortunately this chapter brings bad news for Tily nation. I honestly don’t think many of the songs on Lover are about that relationship. But I also think it’s not as simple as the mainstream Kaylor narrative would have us believe. Let’s dive into this, shall we?

First things first. I think it’s worth noting that many of the songs on this album are not about romantic relationships at all. Like it’s a bit of a marketing ploy to portray it as an album primarily about romantic love when so many songs explicitly aren’t about that feeling. In fact, there are more themes on Lover than on any of her earlier stuff - it’s something she expands on in folklore.

I Forgot That You Existed, The Man, The Archer (which I firmly believe is about her debating coming out), Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince (very obviously about the political situation generally and supported by the doccie title), London Boy, Soon You’ll Get Better, YNTCD, and ME! are all about explicitly different themes. Obviously there are a couple references within those (like ME! has that line about “I never leave well enough alone” which reappears on the 1, and The Archer mentions someone “staying” but I still think ME! is about self-love not romantic love and The Archer is about personal anxiety around identity). Fundamentally, they are not love songs.

I don’t think that’s really up for debate. The only one I can see anyone - say Toes or like hardcore Tily fans - debating is London Boy. Unfortunately for my Tily babes, I do think it’s satire that serves as a homage to Joe and the other British beards, and possibly riffs a teeny bit on her time with Lily. Contrary to some gold medalists in Kaylor mental gymnastics, I fully believe Tay does make reference to Joe in her lyrics (I’ve mentioned the fictional verse for Dress and the reference to “keeping him” in Ready for It). This really doesn’t have any of the hallmarks of Tily songs off of Rep. The British references in CIWYW, KOMH and Delicate are subtle and chilled and actually quite cute. London Boy is an onslaught of non-sequiturs about London, the UK and her beards. Also “stories from uni” fits both Joe and Tom H, but it doesn’t fit Lily who never went to university. All her Lily songs are about hiding out in private; London Boy is all about galavanting around town with “his” friends (Lily and Tay had the same friends though?) It’s simply not about the same person or the same relationship.

I do think there’s a chance it could be poking fun (lightly) at Lily/that period she spent in London because as I’ve already said I think Tay is not above shading ex-girlfriends and it seems like the kind of thing Karlie would’ve also found a bit funny. I think when she got back together with Karlie - which almost definitely happened - she would’ve 100% laughed about the “say you fancy me not fancy stuff” era. That would explain the recurrence of both Motown and queen imagery, which first appeared on KOMH. But where KOMH felt very genuine and authentic, this one is obviously meant to be funny.

Right. So. Now that we’ve established 8 songs are about other themes, let’s get the Kaylor songs sorted: Cruel Summer, Cornelia Street, DBATC, False God and Daylight are all undeniably about Karlie fucking Kloss. They all feature the images and tropes and hallmarks that pepper Karlie songs. They all have the same kinds of emotions. And they paint a pretty sad, troubling and complex picture.

Cruel Summer comes first and seems to mostly be about their first breakup, which she first referred to on DWOHT. We have Tay once again begging Karlie to stay and work it out and not being certain for sure about her feelings.

We say that we'll just screw it up in these trying times

We're not trying (Oh yeah, you're right, I want it)

I mean that’s super sad. Tay’s saying they discussed how they’ll fuck it all up, and she’s feeling like they’re not even trying to fix things. You also have that “I want it” which is interesting considering the “we” that preceded it. “We’re” not trying because only “I want it”. Ouch.

Killing me slow, out the window

I'm always waiting for you to be waiting below

Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes

What doesn't kill me makes me want you more

And it's new, the shape of your body

It's blue, the feeling I've got

And it's ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

It's cool, that's what I tell 'em

No rules in breakable heaven

But ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

With you

Here we have “I’m always waiting for you” which yet again suggests Tay is the one who’s more invested. Then we have the shape of “your” body (which is a familiar concept from Dress), but the feeling it gives her here is blue here not gold - maybe that’s why the shape is new? In the past Karlie’s body made her feel golden but now it’s a bluer, sadder feeling. Blue starts recurring more frequently on these late era Kaylor songs. There’s a possible alternate reading, which is blue = Swiftgron (“my love had been frozen deep blue”). It’s a nice theory but it just doesn’t gel with the garden gate below. Also, while both relationships seem to have been colored by commitment issues, the premise of unrequitedness doesn’t really feature on the songs about Di. She asks Di to stay, tells her she’s thinking of her, and they’re “too in love to think straight” but Tay never says Karlie loves her back. Ever. It’s never expressly mutual.

I'm drunk in the back of the car

And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar (Oh)

Said, "I'm fine," but it wasn't true

I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you

And I snuck in through the garden gate

Every night that summer just to seal my fate (Oh)

And I scream, "For whatever it's worth

I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?"

He looks up, grinning like a devil

Look at that fourth line. It perfectly fits with the Kaylor narrative on Rep and it doesn’t fit the Tily songs at all. She wanted to keep that second relationship private and secret and hidden. And here she’s saying “I don’t want to keep secrets” - this is take two of “I don’t want you like a best friend”. Also the “for whatever it’s worth” reminds me of “here’s the truth” from End Game. It’s the kind of thing you’d say in the midst of a fight.

Then we have her screaming “I love you” and receiving no reply as usual beyond a devilish grin. The more I do these analyses the less I understand how or why Kaylor gets romanticized in the way it does, while Swiftgron gets bashed for toxicity. Like my girl Tay has a thing for chaotic lesbians with commitment issues and Kaylor seems like it was WILD.

Back to the lyrics, this time let’s look at Kaylor anthem Cornelia Street:

We were in the backseat

Drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar

"I rent a place on Cornelia Street"

I say casually in the car

We were a fresh page on the desk

Filling in the blanks as we go

As if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead

Leading us home

I find this whole song really interesting because it features one of Tay’s favorite ideas - glamorizing normal people things. It’s like the time with the “motel bar” in Getaway Car. Like she 100% was thrilled to be able to say “I’m renting this apartment” - never mind that it’s basically a whole ass house. I actually think the above verse is really beautiful. I know I give Kaylor a lot of shit but obviously there were beautiful moments and Tay had/has plenty of good memories.

And I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends

I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend

I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name

And baby, I'm so terrified of if you ever walk away

I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

I mean frankly this verse above is super insecure in the standard Kaylor way. Tay’s saying she’s terrified of Karlie walking away and that she “hopes” she never loses her. The tone is sad, forlorn and a little desperate. I also think it’s interesting that she says she’d never walk Cornelia Street again, and that the city screams Karlie’s name and then on hoax she goes ahead and says she left a part of herself back in New York. It’s almost like her fears and anxieties did prove justified. Poor baby.

Windows flung right open, autumn air

Jacket 'round my shoulders is yours

We bless the rains on Cornelia Street

Memorize the creaks in the floor

Back when we were card sharks, playing games

I thought you were leading me on

I packed my bags, left Cornelia Street

Before you even knew I was gone

But then you called, showed your hand

I turned around before I hit the tunnel

Sat on the roof, you and I

Those first four lines seem to be about the good again, and I’m happy for them. I really do think they had good times. Those four lines make me think of parts of YAIL and the toast and weekends and stuff.

The rest of this verse though seems to be about the first split and subsequent reunion. “I thought you were leading me on” she says, and I “left Cornelia Street” presumably to go to London. But then Karlie called her back, “showed her hand” and Tay “turned around” before she reached the point of no return and they worked it out. “Sat on the roof, you and I” is similar in content to “up on the roof with a schoolgirl crush” but very different in tone. She’s not peppy here, she’s not positive. It’s a little bit tortured - and then it continues with “hoping it never ends”. The reappearance of the Tily imagery on Kaylor 2.0 songs makes sense to me, again, because discussing exes in the same social circle as you is just blatant lesbian culture. It makes complete sense that these two women are on Taylor’s mind. She has really really deep feelings for Karlie but she enjoyed the more simple and straightforward relationship she had with Lily.

DBATC is the Kaylor 1.0 breakup anthem:

Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts

Flashbacks waking me up

I get drunk, but it's not enough

'Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby

I look through the windows of this love

Even though we boarded them up

Chandelier's still flickering here

'Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not

It's death by a thousand cuts

We have her getting drunk to forget, trying to say “I’m fine” when it’s not true, and just generally missing Karlie.

I dress to kill my time, I take the long way home

I mean, this is Cornelia Street (“never walk here again”) and Dress all over again. It’s the two ideas from before but now on the other side, because they’re actually broken up.

And what once was ours is no one's now

I see you everywhere, the only thing we share

Is this small town

You said it was a great love, one for the ages

But if the story's over, why am I still writing pages?

“I see you everywhere” is very “this city screams your name” and I think “small town” is a metaphor for their social circle. The last two lines are just Tay being hung up on Karlie. She was writing pages in Cornelia Street as well, so this whole idea of telling a story with Karlie is another recurrent image.

My heart, my hips, my body, my love

Tryna find a part of me that you didn't touch

Gave up on me like I was a bad drug

Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club

Our songs, our films, united, we stand

Our country, guess it was a lawless land

Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand

Paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans

My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust

Tryna find a part of me you didn't take up

Gave you so much, but it wasn't enough

But I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts

I mean this is the usual obsession, desperation and general pining Tay has for Karlie. We also have Karlie touching her briefly, which is something she has spoken about before and is really into. Paper-thin plans is probably about the plans to make it work? We have that image reparations later in hoax so I think it’s most likely about Karlie bailing on Tay’s PR game and doing her own thing and/or Karlie’s (accidental?) involvement in the masters heist.

Also, this whole song is very sad but it’s not on the level of desperation I would expect if Tay wasn’t rebounding hard and if they didn’t reunite. She’s pretty sad about how the whole thing went down but she does say she’ll “be alright” which is the opposite of “that’s the kind of heartbreak time could never mend”. I think she wrote this after the first breakup and Cornelia Street came later, after they were back together. That’s when she really went all in into this relationship. It still wasn’t enough.

False God is about their reunion:

We were crazy to think

Crazy to think that this could work

Remember how I said I'd die for you?

We were stupid to jump

In the ocean separating us

Remember how I'd fly to you?

We know Tay ran away to Europe after the mess of 2016 and here she jumps into the ocean separating them and flies back to Karlie. The idea of it being “crazy” that it could work is also a recurrent fear/anxiety she has with regards to Karlie. “I had a bad feeling,” remember?

And I can't talk to you when you're like this

Staring out the window like I'm not your favorite town

I'm New York City, I still do it for you, babe

They all warned us about times like this

They say the road gets hard and you get lost

When you're led by blind faith, blind faith

They’re figuring things out, and Tay is New York - Karlie’s favorite city. “I still do it for you” is an admission of affection, which rarely happens in Kaylor songs, but it’s so sexual that I don’t find it shocking or out of character.

But we might just get away with it

Religion's in your lips

Even if it's a false god

We'd still worship

We might just get away with it

The altar is my hips

Even if it's a false god

We'd still worship this love

I mean sex songs are just peak Kaylor and this is all just so so so gay and I don’t understand how hets can make it make srnse. “We might just get away with it” is the usual Kaylor anxiety by the way.

I know heaven's a thing

I go there when you touch me, honey

Hell is when I fight with you

But we can patch it up good

Make confessions and we're begging for forgiveness

Got the wine for you

And you can't talk to me when I'm like this

Daring you to leave me just so I can try and scare you

You're the West Village

You still do it for me, babe

They all warned us about times like this

They say the road gets hard and you get lost

When you're led by blind faith, blind faith

Standard Kaylor imagery with sensual touching, wine and New York and a direct reference to Karlie’s apartment. I think “make confessions and we’re begging for forgiveness” appears to refer to the reunion.

Daylight is a very beautiful love song for Karlie. The “golden”, the bodies intertwining, New York, and the depth of her emotions all fit the Kaylor story and narrative. I think she wrote this when they were back together. It’s also, as is common with the Kaylor songs, squarely from Tay’s perspective. She wrote it alone, and I think specifically for Karlie when they reunited. Very pretty, very nice. I mean they ended up breaking up and that was bound to happen in like every other song but when they were good Tay did create some gems and they were very happy. I love this song and I do like aspects of Kaylor’s time together.

Now we get onto the songs that don’t neatly fit Kaylor.

Afterglow could be a Kaylor song. But it could also be about the breakup with her rebound. It’s not only by Tay, so we’re looking for broad themes rather than specifics necessarily.

Hey, it's all me, in my head

I'm the one who burned us down

But it's not what I meant

Sorry that I hurt you

I don't wanna do, I don't wanna do this to you (Ooh)

I don't wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you (Ooh)

I need to say, hey, it's all me, just don't go

Meet me in the afterglow

I don’t know that this sounds like the Kaylor breakup we heard about. It’s a different premise to False God, DBATC and Cornelia Street. In all of those songs it was a mutual breakup/misunderstanding. “I can’t talk to you” and then “you can’t talk to me” in False God is a two-way communication issue. DBATC goes off at Karlie for taking up every part of her and “giving up on me”. Cornelia Street said Tay thought Karlie was “leading her on” but that was resolved. Then Afterglow goes and lays all the blame on Tay.

I lived like an island, punished you with silence

Went off like sirens, just crying

Why'd I have to break what I love so much?

It's on your face, don't walk away, I need to say

Hey, it's all me, in my head

I'm the one who burned us down

I mean this really does sound like it’s Tay fucking up badly. Not wanting to let the other person in, taking it out on them, hurting her lover.

It's so excruciating to see you low

Just wanna lift you up and not let you go

This ultraviolet morning light below

Tells me this love is worth the fight, oh

This really doesn’t sound like the Kaylor fear and stress. It sounds like the cerebral and emotional connection from Rep. “It’s so excruciating to see you low” seems tied up with the heart to hearts and conversations she was having in those secondary songs on Rep.

Tell me that you're still mine

Tell me that we'll be just fine

Even when I lose my mind

I need to say

Tell me that it's not my fault

Tell me that I'm all you want

Even when I break your heart

I need to say

This just seems like a very different plan for fixing things than the one outlined in the Kaylor songs (which is “let’s bone”). Also “I break your heart” is an anxiety that seems to parallel the burgeoning love in Delicate, KOMH and CIWYW. It doesn’t seem like a Kaylor fear because Tay is always the one who wants Karlie more. I believe this is mostly a Tily breakup song.

Then we get the three happy songs on the album: Lover, I Think He Knows and Paper Rings. It’s actually pretty intense that there are only three peppy, romantic songs on an album largely touted by Gaylors and Hetlors alike as being about a happy long term relationship.

You want my controversial explanation for these songs? They’re fictional. All three are extremely vague and lacking in any of the Karlie/other person imagery. They’re like New Year’s Day and some of the early stuff.

I Think He Knows is a very hetro song. It physically pains me to say that, it really does, but nothing about it seems gay to me. I guess “boyish look” is something you could say about some women but that’s really a reach. Also it’s just very much not a relatable lesbian emotion. I’ve never met a queer woman being like “yeah I think she KNOWS, you know?” about her girlfriend. “She’s so obsessed with me and boy I understand” would make no sense. Us sapphics are compulsive overthinkers. And that’s what comes across on all her songs about Karlie and about Di and even those Tily songs from Rep. That’s largely why Tay’s stuff is so damn gay.

Tay’s permanently anxious - even on her love songs, there’s a thread of anxiety running through it all. This song is missing any of that anxiety. This song also has so, so many male pronouns…. And “I am an architect, I'm drawing up the plans” is an objectively weird thing to say about a relationship. It just doesn’t strike me as sapphic, and it definitely doesn’t strike me as being about Karlie lr Lily or Di. Also Nashville is 16th Avenue and I don’t know why any of the women would be associated with Nashville.

That Nashville reference makes me think that maybe the song is inspired by the music industry generally? If you go look at 16th Avenue by Lacy J. Dalton, there’s a clear narrative about the music industry. I think it’s possible that Tay’s song is referencing the love she feels for and from the music industry and her fans. That would tie into the architectural plans, being 17 (she often speaks about being stuck at that age because it’s when she got famous), and “he’s so obsessed with me” makes sense when you’re AOTD. Even the “attitude” line makes sense in this interpretation.

This bit:

Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh

We can follow the sparks, I'll drive

Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh

We can follow the sparks, I'll drive

"So where we gonna go?"

I whisper in the dark

"Where we gonna go?"

I think he knows

Is a little harder to make sense of and seems like it could maybe be about Lily or at least inspired by her - there’s the car/driving theme from the secondary Rep relationship and Lily does have indigo eyes (they’re way bluer than Joe’s). So maybe she used images and diaries from that period to add to the story about Nashville? But overall this smugness just doesn’t strike me as very gay and in general the song doesn’t seem to be about any one woman in her history. Also “better lock it down or I won’t stick around” is so very hetro and like… untortured.

Paper Rings is not about Karlie but I also don’t think it’s about Lily.

The moon is high

Like your friends were the night that we first met

Went home and tried to stalk you on the internet

Now I've read all of the books beside your bed

The wine is cold

Like the shoulder that I gave you in the street

Cat and mouse for a month or two or three

Now I wake up in the night and watch you breathe

This is not about Karlie. We’ve heard repeatedly that they fell in love at first sight so “month or two or three” is kinda wild? Like they full on U-Hauled it with the Big Sur trip and Tay moving to New York and Karlie basically moving into her apartment. They were never cat and mouse? Also Karlie was a supermodel by the time they met one another so “trying to stalk you on the internet” seems a bit of an odd way to phrase it. There would’ve been plenty to find. They both had big reputations. Moreover, they had multiple mutual friends so “your friends” is also an odd turn of phrase. How does this verse fit any aspect of the Kaylor love story?

In the winter, in the icy outdoor pool

When you jumped in first, I went in too

I'm with you even if it makes me blue

Which takes me back

To the color that we painted your brother's wall

Honey, without all the exes, fights, and flaws

We wouldn't be standing here so tall, so

This is also very not Kaylor lol except for the tall part. The chilled out hanging out and swimming and wall painting sounds more like the songs about Tily on Rep.

I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings

Uh huh, that's right

Darling, you're the one I want, and

I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this

Uh huh, that's right

Darling, you're the one I want

In paper rings in picture frames in dirty dreams

Oh, you're the one I want

This seems like it could be Tily because of the “we went from friends to this” (Kaylor were never friends, and had no intention of being friends, they’ve literally only ever dated). But I’m not sure Tay ever wanted to marry Lily? That’s not what comes across in the other Tily songs.

I want to drive away with you

I want your complications too

I want your dreary Mondays

Wrap your arms around me, baby boy

The driving and the chilledness is similar to the Tily songs but I’m still not sold. It really doesn’t feel particularly authentic.

Also, I know I mostly do lyric analysis but I’d like to include this quote from Tay about the song: “This song talks about true love, and if you really find true love, you probably don't really care what the symbolism of that love is. Material things wouldn't matter to you anymore if you found someone that you just wanted to live your life with.” The quote is distinctly hypothetical. “You probably don’t really care” “wouldn’t” “if you found”....

My gut says this is based around positive romantic relationships she has had but is extrapolated to a rosy conclusion. One day, Tay’s gonna want to marry someone with paper rings. But for now it’s a fictional hypothetical. None of the details fit any of her relationships. It’s made up. That’s why it includes the “baby boy” line... because it’s fiction.

And now for the really hot take… Lover is equally made up, although she was - again - inspired by her real relationships.

We could leave the Christmas lights up 'til January

This is our place, we make the rules

And there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear

Have I known you twenty seconds or twenty years?

This is continuing the themes from New Year’s Day which always strikes me as a “what if” rather than an actual ode to one of the muses. That final line seems like it could be about Karlie but the absolute calmness with which she sings makes it seem like it’s not about her. The mysterious way is also a brand new image and considering how much she sings about Karlie you would’ve thought we’d have had that image at least once before?

Can I go where you go?

Can we always be this close forever and ever?

And ah, take me out and take me home

You're my, my, my, my

Lover

I mean this doesn’t sound like Kaylor. Part of the anxiety there is always about going places together and being seen. It does have bits that seem like Tily to me; “take me out and take me home” kind of reminds me of the “meet me in the back” and “can we always be this close” seems similar to “is it chill that you’re in my head?”

We could let our friends crash in the living room

This is our place, we make the call

And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you

I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all

The first three lines could be about either Karlie or Lily although I don’t know if Tily had “their place”. Kaylor definitely did.

That last line… is kinda why I think this is mostly fiction. I mean we know it doesn’t make sense for Toe. We know that. And I know about the gymnastics to fit it as a Kaylor song. But the thing is, even if she wrote it around the time that they went away to Wyoming, why wouldn’t she update it when recording it? It literally doesn’t fit the Toe timeline so it can’t be that she wanted it for that. She could’ve made it vague. But no she says “three summers”. Where else have we heard about “three summers”?

September saw a month of tears

And thankin' God that you weren't here

To see me like that

But in a box beneath my bed

Is a letter that you never read

From three summers back

It's hard not to find it all a little bitter sweet

That’s from Tim McGraw.

She just likes that image. It recurs. It’s not about Karlie, and it’s not about Lily, and it’s obviously not about Joe. It’s just a pretty turn of phrase. She loves counting in summers and Cruel Summers and the summer in Betty/august…. It’s not something she associates with one person.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?

With every guitar string scar on my hand

I take this magnetic force of a man to be my

Lover

My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue

All's well that ends well to end up with you

Swear to be over-dramatic and true to my

Lover

This whole wedding bit doesn’t make sense for either Kaylor or Tily or Swiftgron. Like she’s constantly questioning Karlie’s commitment to her. And you want me to believe she’s singing vows? Lol no.

And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me

And at every table, I'll save you a seat

Lover

Very cute. Very non-specific. Not about any one partner.

So this supposed ode/serenade to Karlie doesn’t feature any of the images associated with her and doesn’t include any details that actively fit their relationship arc as described elsewhere except for jealousy and possibly love at first sight.

These three peppy love songs - which make up the minority of songs on the album - are about Taylor’s manifestations for the future. ITHK could be about the industry more generally. The other two are describing what she wants and what she pictures as ideal for a relationship.

So conclusions: a large chunk of the songs on Lover aren’t about romance. Many, many are about Karlie. Afterglow could be about Lily and some of the regrets Tay had about the split. Paper Rings, I Think He Knows and Lover aren’t about anyone in particular.

Last thought: I agree that It’s Nice To Have a Friend is about lesbians generally. But also possibly about Karlie, in which case the final verse is Karlie choosing the marriage with Josh and in that case the song is fucking devastating and heartbreaking. But tbh a lot about Kaylor is so it’s no surprise 🤷🏻‍♀️

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As usual, I’m up to discuss this. Do you agree? Disagree? Let’s talk! xx

#tily nation where you at #tily #taylorswift #lyric analysis #lover #taylor swift #gaylor swift #kaylor #lover analysis

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oureuphoria · 3 years

Text

Hiii, this is the old version of this chapter before I revamped the series because a lot of people have asked for it :DDD

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Jungkook was confused. He was confused about how you had gotten in, he was confused about why you had gotten and he was confused about who you were with. This was the most confused he had ever been and Jungkook took AP calculus. He ignored you however, opting looking at his phone instead. The date struck a chord in Jungkook’s head, finally remembering that it was your 21st birthday, and he missed it. Jungkook tried to tell himself that the boy was probably just a random friend, someone insignificant because you needed to fill the void he left. It was selfish, but he needed it to get him through the night. Everything was fine and under control. Jungkook wasn’t worried. Until, you went with the mystery boy to the dance floor, then Jungkook was beginning to feel his blood boil.

“Jimin, I can’t dance.” “Nobody can, just follow my lead you’ll be fine.” Jimin spun you around into his arms and you playfully danced together (although it was mostly stiff swaying on your part). Jungkook was livid but before he could spiral further he was broken out of his trance when Mel whispered into his ear. “I told you so.” He turned around and glared at her before claiming he didn’t even care. Jimin noticed his look of disinterest, not sensing the ingenuity behind his facade. “Damn, it’s not working. We need to try harder.” You furrowed your eyebrow at him questioningly at his vague suggestion, you needed to draw the line. “I’m just putting this out there, I am not kissing you that is never happening.” Jimin laughed uncontrollably for a bit and you tried not to take offence, after all, you didn’t like the idea of kissing him either. “You literally remind me of my little sister, I wouldn’t dream of it.” You both stood there close to each other trying to come up with a way to make Jungkook jealous without actually looking like you were trying to come up with a way to make Jungkook jealous. “Oh, I’m a genius, come with me.” He grabbed your wrist and you followed him to what was a secluded area that had dim lighting and a few elevator doors.

“So, what’s the plan?”

“This is it, this is the plan.” You looked at him with astonishment, he could not have been serious. “This is a shitty plan, Jimin.” He ignored your pessimism and gestured to the couples around you, all engaged in borderline public indecency. You got the hint but you weren’t sure that Jungkook would. While you were scowling at the vivid displays of PDA, Jimin slightly peaked from the edge of the wall where he spotted his target. “Y/N! Y/N! Y/N! Y/N!” You quickly turned to him muttering a hushed, “what?!?” “He’s coming, he’s literally coming. Get into position.” “What position? We never discussed any positions.” Jimin quickly trapped you between the wall and his two arms and it was kind of awkward because you were almost the same height. Whatever macho move he was trying to pull had failed embarrassingly. “Okay, now giggle like I said something funny.” All you did is glare at him. “This is ridiculous Jimin I-” “Do you want revenge or not?” You tried not to whine because frankly enough this was not how you wanted to spend your birthday. You sucked it up anyway because Jimin’s scheme had no forseeable end. “Ha. Ha. Ha.” “God forbid you ever become a spy, you suck at this.” You were about to reply before a cough had you both looking to your left at the origin of the sound only to find what seemed to be a mildly distraught Jungkook. “Sorry, do you mind if I borrow her for a second?” Jimin nodded a little too eagerly and if it wasn’t for his distracted mind, Jungkook might’ve picked up on the inconsistency. You weren’t the only bad actor. Jungkook gave you barely any time to think before he dragged you to an even more secluded corner next to the bar.

“What are you doing here?” Jungkook knew exactly what you were doing but he realised he needed a cover for randomly pulling you away, he couldn’t just admit he was jealous, that would be extremely hypocritical. “None of your business." “When you’re underage it is.” He knew it was your birthday and that you were of legal age but he couldn’t possibly tell you that, not when you could barely look him in the eyes.. “Nope, it still isn’t.” Jungkook didn’t know what to say but he knew he didn’t want you to leave his side at all. You didn’t like the awkward silence so you made an an attempt to leave, but it was futile. “Now if you don’t mind I have to go find my friend.” Just as you are about to walk away from him, Jungkook rested his hand on your shoulder and you halted, your back facing him. “Look me in the eye and tell me you want me to leave you alone tonight.” You hated the cockiness in his tone, you shouldn’t have given in but you turned around to face him out of spite.

However, the moment your eyes interlocked with his, you were gone and the only thing you could think about was your lips on his. It didn’t take long for you to lose your resolve, in fact his lips were making their way down your neck before you’d even realised you kissed him. You gasped quickly under your breath when he began to suck on the lower part of your neck, he grazed his teeth over the same place afterwards before detaching his lips and smiling deviously at the mark he made, the mark you had no idea existed. “Have fun with friend tonight, Y/N.” And with those final words of false encouragement, he walked away. You stood there where he left you, frozen for a bit while blinking rapidly to try and comprehend what had just occurred right before you. You rushed to find Jimin.

“What happened?” Jimin’s voice was laced with concern at the sight of your teary eyes. “Nothing, Jungkook’s just an asshole.’” “Details stupid.” “I kissed him and he kissed back before running off with some bullshit ‘have fun with your friends’ You mimicked his part in a deeper voice that made Jimin chuckle a little, though he quickly stopped when he saw your neck. “Y/N he gave you a hickey.” You gasped loudly. “Please tell me you’re lying.” You ran your fingers over where he kissed your neck and winced when you felt a bruise. “Oh no. Now I have to wear turtlenecks everyday.” Jimin laughs at your now even sadder state. “Don’t you get it? He clearly did that on purpose to deter me. Sneaky, smooth, handsome bastard. You have got to ask him to teach me his tricks.” You looked at Jimin in disgust and he mocked your face before wrapping his arm around your neck. “Oh our little baby Y/N got her first hickey how amazing.” You elbowed him slightly again and he swiftly pulled your hair out of your ponytail. “You can use your hair to cover it up.” You hated having your hair down but he was right, it conveniently covered the hickey quite well. You went back to sit at the bar with Jimin but he excused himself to go to the bathroom.

Someone sat beside you and you had assumed it was Jimin but when you turned around you were met with Jungkook instead and sirens went off in your head like that scene in the movie inside out.

“Did I tell you that you could cover it?” You didn’t give much attention to what Jungkook had said, you forgive too easily and you weren’t going to let that happen again. Jungkook could see that you were uncomfortable and he hated the fact that he couldn’t comfort you or make you feel better. Hell, he was most likely a huge part of the discomfort you had felt lately and he regretted every second of it now. If he couldn’t bare to see you with someone else he wondered how badly he’d hurt you in the past by doing even worse. “Why did you lie to me?” You barely mustered the courage to ask him that question. He hummed in reply to your broken voice, not understanding what you had asked. “Why did you lie and say that you liked me when you didn’t?” Jungkook kept his lead low, trying to formulate an excuse, any excuse and yet nothing but the truth would come to mind. “I didn’t lie.” You scoffed bitterly, clearly not believing his answer. “I hope you don’t go around hurting all the people you like, Jungkook.” He laughed lifelessly, swinging around his drink before chugging it. He decided then and there that he was going to tell you everything, every single worry that stopped him from being with you because the last thing he wanted was to make you feel like you were the problem.

“In high school, I fell in love with a girl named Ruby. She was absolutely beautiful, the kindest soul I had ever met. Senior year, she was killed in a public shooting. I swore to myself that I’d pursue law enforcement after that so I’d never be that helpless again. She’s the reason I became a cop. She’s also the reason I thought I could never fall in love again. Y/N when I first met you I didn’t plan to like you as much as I did, frankly I didn’t plan to like you at all. I’ve been alone ever since I was 16 and after Ruby passed away I never thought I wouldn’t be. It felt unnatural for me to do simple things like take you out on dates or even reply to your messages. I kept forgetting and fucking up the more I’d try and every time I saw you I’d feel more and more guilty because I couldn’t give you what you wanted.”

“All I wanted was you, Jungkook. I didn’t want all your time or attention, I probably would’ve been okay with one phone call a week but you were so inconsistent. You’d talk to me nearly everyday and then not at all. I’d feel like I was getting closer to you and then you would feel like a stranger again. It was exhausting and it hurt and I know it hurt you too. You need to stop denying yourself happiness. What happened in the past will never change, no matter how much you beat yourself up about it. Moving on and being happy with someone else doesn’t mean you’re forgetting her. It just means you’re not forgetting yourself.”

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I’m such a horrible person.” You shook your head. “You’re not a horrible person, you just deal with your doubts and problems horribly. From now on, you have to tell me what’s troubling you. Show me the worst of you, and we can deal with it together.” If Jungkook wasn’t sure about liking you before, he was head over heels now. He hugged you, his head sinking into the crook of your neck. “I don’t deserve you.” You laughed a little at what he said. “If you ever ignore me like that again. I’ll never forgive you.” Jungkook chuckled and pulled back from your embrace, looking you dead in the face now.

“Happy Birthday, Y/N.” You looked at him weirdly but you quickly dissolved into a smile. “So you did remember!” His face softened at your excitement, your sleepy eyes shining through though. “Come on, let me take you home.” You were about to agree but then you remembered your friend and you wondered where he went. “Give me one second.” Jungkook’s eyes visibly hardened. “Are you going to look for Jimin? Seriously Y/N?” You pouted with pleading eyes. “But he’s my best friend, I have to at least say goodbye!” Jungkook looked confused now. “I thought he was your date.” Your face fell when you realised you had just blown your cover. Jimin was right, you would make the worst spy. Jungkook was beginning to realise what had happened now and he seemed even angrier. “Y/N please tell me you didn’t do all of that just to make me jealous.” “Well it worked, didn’t it? Let’s go now.” You were dragging Jungkook away mid-way through your question, you pulled out your phone to call Jimin and he immediately answered. “Y/N did you secure the bag yet?” You obnoxiously laughed at his horrible code name and Jungkook looked at you weirdly. “Where did you put my coat?” There was a pause that was prolonged by Jimin’s “ummmmmmm…” which eventually resulted in him telling you to wait and hanging up.

“I don’t think he’s coming Y/N, here you can have my jacket.” You rolled your eyes, he clearly didn’t like Jimin. “Calm down will you, it’s been like 40 seconds.” Jungkook clicked his tongue in annoyance, eyeing your dress cautiously. “Maybe if you wore something that covered you more you wouldn’t need a coat.” You started to giggle a bit. “It’s a pretty dress don’t you think?” “No it’s hideous. You’ll throw it away once you get home and never wear it again, right?” You shook your head, wanting to tease him. “I like it, I think I’ll dress like this more often.” Jungkook groaned before pulling you towards him by the waist. “I’m going to get you a shirt that says “my boyfriend’s a cop” and you’re going to wear it everywhere.” You would’ve laughed if he hadn’t addressed himself as your boyfriend. You smiled nervously, you wanted to address it but you were scared he’d run away. Your nervous face made Jungkook worry. “You do want me to be your boyfriend, right?” You smiled sheepishly at his question. “Yes please.” You mumbled ever so slightly. He hugged you painfully close before kissing the top of your head. “I missed you, princess.” You didn’t know how to feel about the pet name, was he still mocking you or complimenting you? “I’m not sure if I like that nickname or not.” Jungkook laughed at your hesitancy to accept the nickname.

Jimin ran out with your coat, handing it to you and then looking at you and Jungkook with teasing eyes. You glared at him so he raised his hands defensively and went back into the club, blowing a kiss your way. Jungkook hailed a cab and opened the door for you. He then leaned down to speak to you which you found peculiar because you thought he was going with you. “I have to go back inside, the Chief’s there and I’m really trying to get a promotion.” The desperation in his voice made you belt out a bubbly laugh before you stopped abruptly at his pointed glare. He sent you off with a goodnight and gave the driver a $50 note before letting you go. When you were about to pay the cab driver he laughed and said your boyfriend had already paid and too much at that. You were about to correct him till you remembered, he really was your boyfriend, you went home with a huge, beaming smile.

I’m so sorry this is so late 😭😭😭 @p-jiminaa

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judgement-free-sideblog · 4 years

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Blood, tears and sea breeze

Warnings: ANGST, mental health issues, graphic depictions of violence, blood, cursing, mentions of sexual assault, mentions of sex, substance abuse.

Summary: The not so peaceful town of Broadchurch face dead again, while Alec Hardy continues his journey to redemption will this school teacher be the key to solve the mystery or just another victim of the ever watching evilness that seems to reside in the town.

Notes: My OC Derek Ramos is basically Anthony Ramos (Hamilton) I love him, he is cute and sexy and so freaking talented, and I frankly just wanted to write a story about him, but the In the Heights movie won't be happening any time soon, so I settled for this.

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Chapter 16: Inappropriate

Common sense and logical thinking, as Doctor Florence used to say when you were just a kid, whenever you felt ike you were losing control you needed to found the logical thing to do, and that would calm your anxiety before you have an episode, and usually it worked, most of the time anyway.

What was the logical thing to do now? None of the actions you have been taking the last weeks were logical, and common sense was urging you to stand up and run away from him, but the soft touch of his hands on the small of your back and the warm breath of his mouth were proving to be more calming than any rational thinking.

His lips felt soft on yours and maybe also scared, but he had no hesitation and you have seen the quiet need in his eyes, and you could almost cry since this was the first time in weeks since someone had kissed you, and sadly the first time in months since someone had that actual desire and need on his eyes before kissing you, he doubted for a second the moment you start returning the kiss with the hunger and longing for physical contact that had been denied to you; but he kept you close to him enough for you to feel his heart beating hard and fast on his chest, and you were desperate to know how would it feel under his shirt.

His touch became tighter on your waist and your body was moving on it's own trying to climb on his lap obeying some muscular memory on how familiar it felt, not like they were similar in any way, but he gave you the safe feeling He used to provoke on you, and you finally open your eyes... for a moment you were convinced that a pair of playful blue eyes will receive you with a cheeky grin, but instead there were those sad brown eyes darkened with desire, and logical thinking choose the worst possible moment to start working again.

You broke contact immediately, and felt a little hurt that he didn't tried to stop you when you muttered a little "I'm sorry" and run straight to his room closing thee door behind you and finally letting the tears consume you.

Jonathan's memory deserved better than this reckless and selfish behavior, and Detective Hardy deserved a free woman, free from all the horrors in your past, free from a dead fiance whom you still loved deeply, and free from all the problems you tended to cause. Also you were not entirely sure but it seems like he and Detective Miller had a thing going, and you would never get in between two people, it was a harmful and indecent thing to do specially to people who were as nice and considerate as them.

You could hear him pacing on the hallway outside the door and you wanted to get outside and tell him how much you really wanted to kiss him and maybe more, but you were broken at the moment and how bad idea it was, you wanted to tell him desperately how much you enjoyed kissing him, how his lips bring you back to life and how for a moment all the sadness disappeared, and how much you appreciate all the things he have done for you, and how you bring sadness and trouble to anyone around you so you have to walk away from him before you drag him to your darkness and ruin his life.

Because for god sake Y/N! Your mind told you once he stopped and turned off the light of the hallway, you were a fucking witness/ suspect on a murder case, his bloody career will be in the trash if someone knew that he did as much as looking at you as something more.

No, this was better, you could hide there at least until he left for work the next day and after that... well you will figure it out once the sun were up. You sitted on the bed trying to take Jonathan's disappointed and hurt face away from your thoughts, but two hours later when Daze entered the house you were still awake, ot wasn't until after 4:00 am that the fatigue defeated you and finally closed your eyes.

***

Olly Stevens was waiting outside Ashley Langford's La Boheme deli, holding a tray with two cups of coffee, and saw detective Harford approach him in civilian clothes she pointed to an empty table in the terrace and he followed her.

"Detective, you look as gorgeous as usual, may I offer you a coffee" He said again with exaggerate reverence but before the woman could roll her eyes at him a strong hand took the tray off his hand and gave Harford one of the drinks and took the other for him.

"Oh that's really considerate from you sir" a handsome man with short curly hair and sweet and compassionate eyes sitted next to Katie and offered him his hand. "I'm DC Ramos, you can call me Derek"

"Hi Detective, I'm Olly Stevens, I'm the Broadchurch Eco editor, how can I help you?" Harford smile to his inside since Stevens would act professionally now that other man was in the scene, I was completely ridiculous and insulting, but she had to admit that Ramos had potential and she secretly wanted to spend some more time with him.

"Did you found what I asked you?" She said once he put out a couple folders.

"It wasn't easy, I had to promise a janitor a two page story on how unfair their working conditions are" he said giving her what seemed to be photocopies of a C. Langford medical record.

"And they don't have unfair working conditions?" Harford asked.

"They do, but that doesn't sell newspapers" he said and have her a wink that was received by a dead glare. "Anyway here are the old newspapers you asked for" He said giving a voluminous binder that detective Ramos took. "Now what can you tell me about Jonathan Norbury's case, anything interesting?"

"Absolutely nothing, but we appreciate your collaboration, and once we have something that would sell newspapers you'll be the first to know" Detective Ramos said with a bright smile and Olly couldn't hide the disappointment on his face and after some more small talk he left them alone.

"Did you get the old records that I asked you?" She said once they were on her car.

"I did, they are not digital so is a lot of paperwork he said pointing at a voluminous box in the back "Is gonna take us forever Katie"

"Us? They are not paying us for this you know? I mean you don't have to be here" she said and his eyes went sad for a second and she feared he felt unwelcome when she was actually delighted that he wanted to help.

"Well I know that the files came from a shady reporter, I can't leave you alone now" He said hopefully and she put a serious face for a moment.

"Fine, but I can't take work home, my apartment is tiny and they are renovating the ceiling so is a lot of noise"

"Well you can come to my place, I mean if you want to" he said nervously, and she found him endearing.

"Sure, we can order take out if this gets too long" He smiled with that happiness that reach his eyes and gave her the address so they would start search on Charles Langford's past.

***

"I'm going to beat that bastard" Father Coats said loudly causing a few of the penitent in the church to look at the confession booth.

"Seal of confession father" You said and you could guess the way he was brushing his hair to the back of his head as he used to when he was nervous or angry, or in this case both.

"That only works if I didn't knew who you are" He said sarcastically, since he would have recognized your voice in any place.

"Well then pretend you don't, or better yet, talk to me as my friend" you said to him in the stubborn tone you knew drive him insane.

"If this was a talk among friends I could actually have a word with detective Hardy" He said and you rolled your eyes angry because he was right.

"Well then father, tell me if I'm burning in hell for being a loose woman" you said after a while.

"No more than him" He started and you knew he was joking, was that allowed? For him to make jokes in there? "I can only absolve you if you feel repented, but something tells me you don't, and if that is the case I think there is not such thing as a sin, is terribly inappropriate, and I'm sure if you choose to continue with this you would be jeopardizing Jonathan's murder investigation" He said after thinking throughly the situation.

"Well we wouldn't be the only ones misbehaving right?" You said and you could swear you felt the color rising to his face.

"We are not discussing my personal life here, and there is nothing happening there for your information" He said defensive, he finish with the confession and you follow him outside where Daze was helping some children arrange some flowers for the altar.

"It looks amazing Dasy" you said and she smiled, apparently she pretended to become a teacher eventually and she was searching for opportunities to be around children.

"Thanks Y/N my dad is coming to pick us, I text him we were here" she said and your plan to avoid him fall apart.

"DI Hardy" Father Coats said once he got inside the church.

"Paul" he said with a dry tone, he look sadder than usual and you felt guilty for it. "Are you ready?"

"Can I stay longer?"Dasy said and you wish she could read your mind so she won't left you alone with him, although you hope he would say no, but for your surprise he agreed.

You didn't have time to think when you were already walking towards his car, but before you get back to be reclusive in his room yo thought at least you owe him an explanation.

"Alec I..."

"Y/N I'm sorry..." you spoke at the same time and he immediately shut up when he heard his name on your lips, you haven't call him that yet, but he didn't seem mad. "Go ahead" he said and he stop walking next to the car.

"Can I drive?" You said after a moment and for all answer he gave you his keys and you climb on the driver's seat.

The drive was silent, but relaxing somehow, you had a place in mind to go, and you were sure he knew where were you going but he seemed uneasy once you start walking up towards Danny Latimer's cliff, your pants were now damp by the grass but you didn't care.

You finally reached the top and sited on the grass looking at the ocean, he looked at you concerned but eventually he sited next to you.

"What are you sorry for?" You said finally.

"Well my behavior last night was... " He started taking off guard by the question.

"Inappropriate?" You said remembering Paul words "Well is not like I didn't wanted you to kiss me" you said and you could see relief in his face, and suddenly it was clear, he wasn't mad with you for running away but with himself for making advances on you. "He proposed here you know?" You said fighting the tears and trying to search for the right words to explain yourself.

"Did he?" He said with a cautious tone.

"Yeah, he hated being outdoors, city boy you know?" You laughed remembering Jonathan tired face when you reached the top and he finally put down the picking basket on the floor, and the pain start pressuring your chest "He bring me here because he knew I love this place"

"It's quite nice" he said and offered you a handkerchief.

"Thanks" you took it and clean your eyes smearing some lipstick on the fabric. "I keep thinking about how manny weeks are until our wedding day" You said and he looked confused "I keep questioning me if things had been different... I want to believe that if things had been different I would have ask you your name in one of your appointments with Dr. Florence, and maybe... I don't know maybe I would have postponed my wedding because I was not sure anymore..." you said elaborating the childish dreams and ideas that you told yourself to justify your actions.

"I'm sure you wouldn't have postponed it" he said not understanding where you wanted to go with this.

"Or maybe I would have married him anyway and eventually I would have cheated him with you" You said bitterly "Not like what I did was much different"

"You didn't cheat on him" He said vehemently and he didn't need to elaborate because you could imagine that by now he must know more about Jonathan life than you.

"We hadn't have sex in months and I felt like he was repulsed by me in the end... I'm not justifying him, but that's the truth, I thought that it was wedding nerves, but I was to naive apparently, you must know of course if he cheated on me" you said.

"You know I can't discuss deatails of the case..."He said but that was all the confirmation you needed.

"I know that, and if he was it doesn't make right what I did, I was just not ready to have feelings for someone else so soon, and I feel like by having them I somehow love him less... I should be the one apologizing because I wanted you to kiss me and more..."

"You don't have to apologize, I shouldn't have act upon my feelings, but I'm glad you are not offended by them" he said and you gave him a small smile.

"Why would I? You are a handsome wonderful man, and if I'm honest I feel more free next to you than I have in the last five months of my life, I just wish that maybe the timing had been different"

"I would have asked you your name" he said after a while and you nodded, it was so peaceful up there. "Maybe several months after we met, maybe too late for anything to happen"

"Now what?" You asked standing up after him.

"We go back, and we pretend this didn't happen" he said, and you agreed, logical thinking "and maybe when this over..." he started with hope in his eyes.

"Alec, could you be honest with me?" He nodded as a response "Do you think I did it?"

"I don't" he said, it wasn't a emotional declaration, it was just a fact for him, he was completely sure you didn't do it.

You look straight into his eyes and evaluate the situation, he was right that was the logical, rational, and correct thing to do, but...

"I don't want to be too late" You said and you kissed him, waiting that maybe he would be rational and reject you, but he closed his arms around your back and kissed you with the same intensity of the night before or maybe more, both of you knew this was dangerous, reckless, irresponsible and completely inappropriate, but you couldn't care less.

Tag list:

@allonsymexgirl @laciesaito @tf18unipups @dazedkrosupreme @timey-wimey-lovi @coffees-and-constellations @ladyaziraphale @acid-gurkerl

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amillioninprizes · 5 years

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An entirely too long post on how to fix Veronica Mars

So, anyone who has followed this blog for any length of time knows: 1) What a massive Veronica Mars fan I was and 2) how distraught I’ve been over the most recent season that debuted on Hulu in July. I’ve been pretty angry about it since it dropped, but the first month after I was pretty occupied with real life stuff. Now that I’m more settled, I’ve found myself getting sadder and angrier over time with just how terrible S4 was and what an obvious fuck you to longtime fans it was. It feels dumb to be so upset over a tv show, but this show got me through a lot over the past 8 years, and I feel like it’s been taken away from me.

It’s anyone’s guess as to whether there will be a new season. Ideally it would end here with maybe an alternate ending filmed to avoid alienating fans further. On the one hand, the botched release, overwhelmingly negative response, and silence from the creators after initial interviews don’t look good for renewal chances. On the other hand, Hulu doesn’t have a lot of streaming hits, it probably did relatively decent numbers, and there are rumors floating around that its pickup chances look good. On a personal level, I hate the idea that this is where the legacy of Veronica Mars ends, while at the same time being extremely wary of what the creators have planned. I think a big part of the disappointment with S4 was that the movie and books set up what could have been some really interesting storylines and situations, all of which RT and co. squandered for cheap drama and to apparently turn the show into an entirely new vehicle; additionally I had hope that S4 would be a chance to rectify some problems the show has long had, but again, S4 exacerbated them. At this point I don’t expect anyone higher up in the creative process or at Hulu to give a fuck about the fans or making the show better as long as they hit streaming targets, but here are some suggestions:

Fire Rob Thomas

While he created the show, it’s become clear that not only has he lost touch with the audience and the original spirit of the character, he doesn’t seem too keen on putting much effort into writing the show (as I will discuss below). Then you have his clear misogyny: his views that women in relationships can’t be interesting, that what makes Veronica interesting as a character is her trauma and how much she can endure, and the fact that basically every female character in the history of the show has a history of sexual victimization. He thought that making the Mexican cartel hitmen “philosophical” was subverting expectations (which says a lot of what his expectations of Latinx characters are). Then this is the way he essentially exploited his long term fan base to earn a new season of the show, only to turn around and tell us that we don’t matter. From a business perspective alone keeping him doesn’t make sense; selling a streaming platform on your loyal fanbase and then proceeding to purposefully piss ~80% of them off would be pretty questionable to me as someone in charge. The sheer cruelty with which he treated not only the fans who have supported him for 15 years (I fucking used to liveblog iZombie y’all. iZombie!), as well as how he callously dismissed long time cast members in favor of celebrity guest stars should not be rewarded. He’s admitted in interviews that he would be ok with younger writers doing a reboot many years in the future; why not just let him have a producer credit and then hand the show over to someone who’s invested in making it good?

Put a woman in charge and diversify the writing staff

A big problem with a) Veronica’s characterization in S4 b) RT’s ideas about what makes female characters interesting c) the show’s long history of problematic treatment of sexual assault is that it comes from a man’s conception of the female experience. The Veronica showcased in S4 and that RT wants to write in the future is very much a male fantasy: hates marriage and children, traumatized, DTF, and is too cool for other women. RT stated in interviews that he wanted to show Veronica at a “crossroads” this season in a way he claimed had been shown for men but not women; many female viewers found this depiction to ring false (few women are spending their time fretting about how committing to marriage after five years in an established relationship will bar us from strange sex going forward). In addition to having RT at the helm, most of the show’s writing staff for the majority of its run has been white dudes, which doesn’t bode well for telling the story of a female PI in a diverse community in today’s political climate. Putting a woman in charge would hopefully help rectify these issues to make the character feel more true to life and put a damper on the misogynistic storytelling. The show has a natural candidate in RT’s second-in-command Diane Ruggiero-Wright (despite her problematic history, never forget #KeisterEggGate), who has admitted to not being able to watch the last episode. Jennifer Graham, who wrote both of the books, would also be a worthy addition to the writing staff; while the books had a mixed reception, most fans agree that she got Veronica’s character right. And with the show’s problematic historical treatment of minority characters, adding more POC writers going forward is also necessary.

Bring back Logan (alive)

You don’t have to be a LoVe shipper to recognize just how integral Logan has been since the inception of the show, not just as Veronica’s partner but as a character is his own right. Logan’s journey in many ways parallels Veronica’s, and shows a contrast in how different characters respond to similar trauma. The most critical plot line in the show’s history, the mystery of who killed Lilly Kane, simply doesn’t work without Logan’s importance to Veronica. RT and his defenders like to claim that Logan was holding her back from true growth, which is frankly bizarre as he is the only character to consistently challenge her, like when he tells her that she obviously isn’t happy this season. Additionally, Logan’s scenes this season were the lone highlight of what was otherwise a painful slog of a season. Of the people who have said they would watch a potential S5, a good portion are only interested because they believe that the ambiguity of the last 10 minutes of the season means he’s not really dead (despite what RT has said in interviews). Then there’s what Logan’s death does to Veronica’s character, effectively cutting off what would have been an interesting character arc and stagnating her forever. No matter how much they try to shove Leo the pedo creep and other milquetoast RT self-insert love interests on us, no one else can possible measure up to Logan’s level in terms of being able to match Veronica as a character, intellectually or as a result of shared history.

Plus, the fact that we haven’t had a Weevil/Logan interaction since S3 is a goddamn travesty and should be rectified immediately.

Bring back Veronica

As sad as I am about Logan’s death, for me the most upsetting aspect of S4 was the assassination of Veronica’s character. For many viewers (including myself), the character we saw Kristen Bell portray in S4 wasn’t Veronica Mars but a different character with the same name. Between her abusive behavior towards Logan, her general indifference to her father’s medical condition, her dismissal of Wallace, and her racism towards Latinx characters (using a kid’s lawyer to threaten deportation: not a good look!), she was lacking the marshmallow-y center that always balanced out the pricklier aspects of her character and made her compelling. This change in characterization was especially jarring given that she was not this way when we last saw her in the books, where she mused about having children and sent her half-brother Hunter to summer camp (side note, but does he even exist anymore?). Many of us who had grown up with Veronica were hoping to see her grow with us as a character; instead we got an extreme regression lower than we’ve ever seen her. It would be one thing if they were trying to depict a PTSD storyline, which would make sense given her background, but since her change in behavior is never addressed by the narrative, it just makes her look like a cruel asshole and makes it impossible to root for her. This is exacerbated by the fact that RT has made it clear he has no interest in portraying her inner life, as shown by his wanting to avoid showing her grief over Logan’s death because it would be a real downer compared to the entertaining but ultimately hollow banter and quips he wants to focus on. Veronica this season was also just plain dumb: you mean to tell me that the girl who nearly got killed by Aaron Echolls in her back seat wouldn’t think to check her backseat every time she gets in a car? (And let’s not even start with RT’s bizarre assertion in an interview that she apparently votes Republican). Not helping matters was Kristen Bell’s performance, which felt very flat for me this season compared to S1-3 and the movie; I don’t know if this was due to personal limitations or a reflection of the bad writing. Writers of future installments and KB herself would be wise to revisit S1, the movie, and the books to figure out what makes sense for Veronica’s character, leading me to my next point:

Get reacquainted with canon, develop a show bible, and hire a continuity director

This show has long had a problem with dropped plots, timelines, and continuity issues. Shelly Pomroy’s party has two happened either in the summer, or the fall. Then we have the movie paradox: Veronica graduated high school in 2006, which means her 10 year reunion should have taken place in 2016. The movie was released in 2014 and the books seem to keep to 2014 dates. Then S4 states that Keith’s movie accident took place in 2013, and mysteriously ages Veronica up to 35 when she should be 32 in 2019. Logan mentions an Aunt Naomi in S4--why didn’t she take care of him after Aaron was arrested (and what happened to Trina)? How the hell is Leo working as an FBI agent when he presided over the disappearance of the Lilly/Aaron tapes? Veronica is shown to be tentatively forgiving of Weevil taking the settlement from the sheriff’s department in Mr. Kiss and Tell, but is then shown to be extremely angry towards him for it in S4. This is just a small selection of the inconsistencies within the show. Plus there is the problem of repeated plot lines: Veronica rejects Leo in favor of Logan in S1, then rejects Leo in favor of Logan in Mr. Kiss and Tell, only for her to...reject Leo in favor of Logan in S4 (and RT says he wants to leave the high school plots behind). This sloppiness doesn’t bode well for a series that is supposed to be about mysteries, which require tight plotting. It would behove TPTB going forward to once and for all determine a timeline of Veronica’s life, keep a detailed record of past plot and character points, and have at least one person on staff who thinks to remember this stuff (RT notoriously has only a “solid, not spectacular” memory of the show, no matter what Kareem Abdul-Jabbar says).

Make an effort (and do your fucking research)

Moving on from continuity issues to more general problems with the laziness of RT’s writing. He has basically admitted that he doesn’t care much about facts or characterization when writing plots--he shoehorns details to fit the plot rather than have it evolve organically from the characters and prior canon. I know that when writing it’s often impossible to make every story detail 100% accurate, but the extent of RT’s sloppiness is alarming. This excellent Reddit thread details a lot of the problems with S4 in particular, but this has been a problem since S2. Did anyone ever understand exactly why the Fitzpatricks were invested in framing Logan for Felix’s death? In the movie, it makes no sense that if Cobb and co. wanted Carrie silenced, they would add the complication of framing Logan for her murder--given her history, it would have been a lot easier just to make it look like she had accidentally overdosed. Given his previous patterns of villain writing fans were able to guess the identity of the S4 bomber based on casting alone. The mysteries in both Mr. Kiss and Tell and S4 are both ripped from the headlines, which indicates that RT wants to turn VM into the next Law and Order. Meanwhile, he complained about how hard including Logan in the story in S4 was, while Logan arguably had the best lines and most interesting scenes this season--apparently when you put an effort into things, they work out! This laziness extends past storyline issues and into factual problems that detract from the quality of the plot. Longtime fandom pals are probably tired about hearing me go on and on about how there’s no way Aaron’s lawyers could have gotten Veronica’s medical records due to HIPAA laws. Logan’s career change from naval aviator to intelligence is highly unlikely (and unnecessary, given that they changed it only to fridge him at the end of the season). Meanwhile, I know fanfic writers who have spent hours on the phone with strangers in order to research what type of firearm would cause a specific type of bullet injury. It’s very puzzling to me that RT wants to take the show in the direction of being mystery-only when apart from that one time he is piss poor at writing mysteries and puts no effort into them. I shouldn’t have to tell television writers to, you know, do their job but this is what we’ve come to in 2019.

Know your audience

A majorly annoying thing about the promo for this season is how in every single interview Rob Thomas did he was always talking about how he wanted VM to be like other shows and movies: Fargo, True Detective, Game of Thrones, Chinatown (which is apparently the only noir movie he’s ever seen). The thing is, if I wanted to watch those shows, I would; I watched Veronica Mars specifically because I enjoyed its unique qualities, and I would say most fans agree. The general perception within the fandom is that with this season Rob Thomas seems to have been aiming to dump the old, majority female, CW fanbase in order to achieve what he perceives as a cooler prestigious male fanbase; the issue is, new people aren’t going to take up a show in its fourth season if they didn’t watch or didn’t like earlier seasons. Also, trying to write a prestigious show doesn’t make your show prestigious. Considering that based on anecdotal evidence most of the people who like S4 seem to be male, he may have succeeded in the first part of his aim. However, this majority female fanbase he was so willing to cast aside are the ones who have run fansites and rewatches during fallow times (i.e. between S3 and the movie and then between the books and S4), so drumming up interest among fans (and therefore streaming views) in the future may be a challenge. Plus, women are a better advertising demographic since they are more likely to be in charge of household purchasing decisions, so maintaining us as a fanbase makes business sense as well. He may have tricked enough people into watching S4 that S5 is given a go, but I wouldn’t be surprised if streams are weak beyond that. If the show is to succeed as a commercial endeavor, better to go with appealing to a known quantity than trying to make a generic show that very few people have expressed interest in watching.

Bring back the mystery of the week

This is a more minor thing I felt was missing from S4. I think after the criticism of S3 not having a season-long arc RT overcorrected in focusing on one mystery. However, the mystery of the week had the following benefits: 1) giving chances for the characters to interact and telling us more about them 2) helping to modulate the pace of the season-long arc. With better writing a season-long standalone mystery could maybe work, but in the case of S4 specifically the mystery was kind of dull and repetitive and could have stood to include a couple of diversions in the form of a smaller case here and there.

Re-evaluate the creators’ interpretation of the word “adult”

Much of the promo and reviews for this season noted the more “adult” content to be expected this season now that Veronica’s grown. Many fans hoped that meant seeing Veronica act like, you know, an adult with adult problems rather than a teenager less mature than the actual teenager she was. Unfortunately, the show’s interpretation of the word seems to be more in keeping with a television rating sense of the word--meaning sex, drugs, and gratuitous violence (But apparently not the word “fuck.”). Look, it was expected that as the show moved to a streaming service and given the overall dramatic scope that there would be an upgrade in some of this sort of content (and I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t looking forward to steamier LoVe moments, which were sorely overpromised), but the way it was included this season felt like RT and co. included this stuff just because they could and not to serve the storyline. For me, personally, the biggest example of this was Veronica’s drug use, which I know didn’t necessarily bother everyone. Given her history as the daughter of an alcoholic as well as someone who had been the victim of two roofie attacks, not to mention the fact that her character never seemed to be into partying, I found it very out of character (and book writer Jennifer Graham agrees). It felt like RT included this just bc they thought it would be funny to see Veronica on drugs without considering whether it made sense for her character. Also, were the beheadings strictly necessary? Plus there’s RT’s little temper tantrum over not being able to use curse words this season--they weren’t present in the original show, no one was going to miss them now, and the “cuss” thing was just annoying and reminiscent of The Good Place.

Dealing with a parent who maybe has dementia--that’s an adult storyline. Too bad RT ended it with a dumb excuse about “mixing meds” (another factual error! Pharmacy software would have caught it!) rather than actually exploring what it would mean for Veronica to see her father in decline and take over the family business (and give Rico Colantoni the exit he appears to want). This is the kind of adult content I would hope to see in future seasons.

Adult is not a synonym for “unrelentingly bleak” either. The original show, while dark, always had an element of hope that was completely removed from S4 (no matter what KB might claim). And would it have killed the writers to show Veronica wearing disguises and going undercover like she used to? There was nothing fun about this season (and no, I don’t count the multiple partying scenes as fun, more like sad).

Kill your darlings

It’s cliche, but it’s true. Another issue the show has long had is the writers keeping around characters or inserting jokes and references for their own personal amusement rather than for the story. The most notable example of this is the continued presence of Dick, a highly problematic character considering he pushed Beaver into the room with Veronica the night of Shelly Pomroy’s party, among a whole host of other racist, sexist, and generally obnoxious actions over the years. But because Ryan Hansen is so widely beloved among the cast and crew, so he stays. Then there’s the matter of the infamous Keister egg in 3x08, which the writers and KB have all expressed love for, despite the fact that said Keister egg is an example of sexual assault--which, even if the victim is a douchey fraternity president, is never funny.

Also the constant Big Lebowski references are tiring. Watch a new movie.

Improve Neptune’s gender ratio

Veronica Mars, despite having a female lead, has always been a male-dominated show; other than Veronica herself, the only consistent female character over the original show was Mac (and she didn’t even come back this season). This is unacceptable in 2019, for any show. The books introduced promising female characters in the form of Marcia Langdon and Petra Landros, but Marcia’s character was was watered down for S4 and Petra was nowhere to be found. Additionally, Veronica and Mac have always been written as “cool girls” who looked down on other women for their femininity, which isn’t a great message. Almost every other female character, even the innocuous Parker, is portrayed as somehow bad or incompetent. I would love nothing more than a season centered on the women of Neptune and their interactions with each other. While we’re at it, stop giving every woman on this show a background of sexual victimization.

Treat VM as an ensemble show, not a Kristen Bell vanity project

A major complaint from Burnt Marshmallows and S4 defenders alike was how little time was given over to the original core cast this season. While Veronica may be the protagonist, a large part of how the show became so beloved was her relationships with the other characters. Yet RT has decided that going forward VM will be a KB solo project, with her traveling town to town quipping and sleeping with strangers. This seems strange, given Kristen’s recent interviews talking about how difficult it is to shoot VM and how she never wants to be first on a call sheet ever again, not to mention how she asked for less screen time all the way back in S2, which resulted in the Weevil-Logan storyline, which was way more interesting than Veronica’s storylines during the first half of that season. (The traveling detective thing also seems weird considering that KB is pretty insistent on shooting in LA to be near her family.) Additionally, if this is truly the last season of VM with all the original characters, then no one got a proper sendoff.

I’m not sure how willing much of the cast will be to return for future iterations, given how uncomfortable many of them seemed during promo as well RT and KB’s treatment of them (insensitive at best, deliberately mean at worst) this season (shout out to Tina Majorino for recognizing what a shit show this was going to be), but bringing back all the original characters into the fold and giving them significant storylines would go a long way to mending fences with fans, improving the show from a character arc perspective, and would also give KB the break she apparently wants.

Recourt the fanbase

What has VM always been renowned for above all else? It’s incredibly loyal fandom which not only got it renewed twice during its original run but also put up their own money to get the movie made--I know many people who donated when they really couldn’t afford to. RT basically owes the last 6 years of his career to VM fans--the success of the Kickstarter arguably got him the iZombie show running gig, and the fourth season likely wouldn’t have even happened if not for it. Thus, the blatant cruelty and disregard with which RT and KB have treated fans during the promotion of S4 has been incredibly insulting and hurtful; I still can’t fathom what in the world possessed RT to think that throwing away this 15-year relationship was a good idea. It’s not a good sign when the 2 fansites most active during the post-movie period (VMHQ and VM Confessions) cease operations in the wake of S4, and when at least 3 out of 8 board members of the oldest running fan group, Neptune Rising (who were dormant during the post-movie period but played a critical role during earlier fan campaigns and in the S4 promo) resign. A fandom this loyal that was betrayed will not stand idly by if the S5 RT wants to make goes ahead; given the number of tweets the official Hulu VM account has had to delete in the wake of S4 due to the overwhelmingly negative response as well as the controversy over editing out Logan from S4 promos, I imagine that S5 will be a PR nightmare. Even if future seasons are amazing the trust can probably never be fully repaired, but it would be helpful for RT (or fingers crossed, a new show runner) and KB (as star and EP) to go overboard in reaching out to fans and at least admitting they made a misstep with the entirety of S4. Back in the day, the old Mars Investigation fansite was invited to set to conduct interviews; maybe do that again. Also someone should get KB some sort of VM fandom-fluent media trainer because I don’t think she has conducted a single interview during her entire stint on the show that didn’t anger fans (it might help if she actually bothered to watch the show).

Map out an endgame

Look, this can’t go on forever. As long as RT keeps leaving every installment open ended with the hopes of maybe getting renewed again five years down the line, the story is going to keep running into the issues the movie and S4 faced with having to shoehorn the characters into nonsensical plot lines to reconcile those endings and deal with actor availability issues. Either plot another 2-3 seasons to wrap the show up with a satisfying conclusion, or map out a greater timeline of Veronica’s life with spots where a mini series or movie here and there could fit in.

#Veronica Mars #still angry #mainly written for personal catharsis #need to stop being angry about this and focus more on studying synaptic transmission #Burnt Marshmallow #we use to be fans

169 notes · View notes

tiaragqueen · 5 years

Note

Can i request a yandere!tarzan! Jungkook? I've been thinking about it a lot lately but nobody seems to done it :""))

Champing At The Bit

✂ Pairing: Yandere! Tarzan! Jeon Jeongguk x Reader

✂ Word Count: 3,6k+

✂ Trigger Warning: Animal attack, blood, death, obsessiveness, possessiveness, sadism

✂ This story is fictional and for amusement only. I don’t believe any of the members would do this in real life. As always, thank you for reading and I hope you have a good day!

Donot re-upload my writing to another website or use it without mypermission.

[Edited]

***

Okay, so… I might have gone a bit overboard on this one. This is probably the longest one-shot I’ve ever written, but I don’t know. The edited version might be shorter, tho. Why, you look at that. It’s longer than the unedited one.

If you like mywriting, please support me on ko-fi!

“One way or another, I’m going to find ya. I’m gonna get ya. One way or another, I’m going to win ya.” – One Way Or Another [Blondie]

You didn’t know what to expect from this scene.

No, scratch that. You hadn’t expected this to happen at all.

You had always known that your baby brother was more sociable than you. It was a trait you had been long secretly envious of. There was something from him that easily attracted people to him, either from his smile or overall mannerisms. While you were approaching your early twenties, your social skills remained undeveloped. It didn’t help that you had a tendency to overanalyze things, too.

However, you would later learn that your introversion wasn’t a curse as you had initially thought. In fact, it could save you from the doom that would soon befall you.

“[Brother’s name], what… what are you doing? Who is he?” you asked, brows furrowed deeply and eyes widened in an overwhelming mixture of confusion, shock, relief, fear, and wariness.

“Ah, Noona!” your brother beamed once he spotted you and enthusiastically pointed to the stranger in question. “Look, I’ve got a new friend! His name is Jungkook, but he likes to be called ‘Kookie’.”

Your mouth slackened as you glanced at the pair back and forth, trying to make sense of their relationship. Well, it wasn’t like you misheard what your brother said just now. In fact, you heard it a little bit too clearly for your liking. But of course, what kind of a normal human being would immediately accept the fact that their sibling had befriended a fucking Tarzan in the middle of a forest?!

‘Kookie’ shrunk a little and bowed his head when you averted your attention to him, displaying his shyness towards strangers. At least, he wasn’t aggressive. That was a plus. You didn’t know what to do if there was a young man, wearing nothing but a dark ripped cloth to cover his lower part, were to attack your brother. You cleared your throat to distract yourself from the disturbing image.

“Well, that was nice and all but can we please go back to the camp? Mama has been waiting for you, you know?”

[Brother’s name] bit his bottom lip, and it didn’t take a genius to know that he hesitated to leave this ‘Kookie’. Was it possible to create such a close relationship with someone you just met? Was he really that interesting to your brother until he felt reluctant to go?

“Can we bring him too? He looks so lonely…”

You didn’t bat an eye on rejecting his ridiculous suggestion, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, [Brother’s name].”

There was no way in hell you would bring that guy to your parents. They might not panic much, but you didn’t want to deal with the consequences should something bad happened. He might get a panic attack – or worse, go on a rampage – if you forced him to meet other people.

“But can you at least introduce yourself first, Noona? Kookie might be shy, but he’s very curious about you.”

How the hell did he know that that guy was curious about you? Did he suddenly possess a sixth sense or something? And besides, that guy refused to look at you in the eye!

“Oh, um, I…” Fuck this shit. If you wanted to leave, then you better deal with this quickly. “Uh… Hi, Kookie. I’m [Name], [Brother’s name]’s older sister.”

Was that friendly enough? Could he even comprehend what you just said? Judging from the way [Brother’s name] grinned when he glanced at the said man, you assumed that he indeed understood. To some extent, probably.

“Kookie said you’re pretty, Noona.”

How did one accept a compliment from a Tarzan? You didn’t know, you never bothered to know, and you definitely didn’t expect to know how. And that was why your reaction was painfully awkward, even cringy if someone were to watch this whole interaction.

“Oh, thank you. He’s… he’s handsome too.”

That wasn’t a lie. He did look handsome. And cute too. With long eyelashes that framed his doe eyes, chubby cheeks, healthy pink and plump lips, down to the tiny mole that you almost missed. You had no doubt that he would gain a lot of admirers had he was more… normal. But what was normal for you, might not be normal to others. And with his fidgety mannerisms that just screamed bashfulness and awkwardness throughout, he might end up as one of those wallflowers or an antisocial that avoided people altogether.

No, actually, the latter seemed much more likely to happen. It was a miracle that your brother even managed to befriend him in a span of twenty minutes.

Another reason for you to be insecure about.

“Okay, introduction’s over. Let’s go back, shall we?”

[Brother’s name] nodded, satisfied with what he thought was a successful conversation. Linking his fingers with yours, he skipped down the trodden path that led to the campsite whilst smiling happily. With your back turned, you were able to sense Jungkook’s penetrating gaze as opposed to the occasional timid glances earlier.

A shiver slithered down your spine.

It had been days since your first encounter with Jungkook. And ever since that, your brother had been secretly meeting him under the pretense of ‘exploring the area’. Of course, you being you, refused to accept his excuse at face value, unlike your parents who had shown a positive reaction over his so-called adventure. They even made another comment on how you should ‘be more active like him’ instead of ‘spending your time doing useless things such as constantly playing your phone’, although they didn’t know what you truly did with it. Just because you often play your phone, didn’t mean you always searched meaningless things. Sometimes, you liked to explore stuff and looked up some facts.

Obviously, they didn’t understand that. Not that you wanted to. There was no reason why you should convince someone who was too stubborn to change their mind.

The latter was also why they decided to make this spontaneous camping in the first place, much to your dismay. You had initially planned to spend your whole summer working on that story you had been procrastinating for so long, but your parents thought that it was time for some ‘family moment’.

And because you cared about your brother, despite your envy, you’d decided to ‘join’ him. Your parents were excited and thought that you finally ‘opened up’ to the world. You had ignored their gushing and accompanied your sibling in meeting his new friend.

Jungkook, although shy, was very talkative once a close bond was established. You didn’t find this very surprising, to be honest, since you yourself weren’t much different than him in this aspect. But what astounded you was the fact that he seemed to take more interest in you, more than he did to your brother. [Brother’s name], being a naïve boy he was, felt happy with this development. Thus, he took it upon himself to act as the ‘accommodating guide’ by answering Jungkook’s silent questions that – frankly speaking – sounded more like hushed whispers and occasional hoots. You didn’t know that it was possible for someone to gain a skill in communicating with Tarzan within such a short time, but that was what set him apart from you anyway.

Slowly, but surely, Jungkook started to open up more and more with you. From light, albeit hesitant, touching to bashful smiles; he did everything he could do to ensure that your attention remained on him alone. He even tried to speak to you once, but your overt inability to comprehend his words prevented you from fully understanding what he said. It wasn’t as if you wanted to know, either.

Honestly, you didn’t know what to feel from this so-called development. On one hand, you were creeped out at the fact that Tarzan had taken an interest in you. But on the other hand, you were flattered that someone actually found you desirable for once. That someone would make an effort to get to know you, or by the very least, including you in their conversations and not neglecting you as most people did.

The last day of camping came at the blink of an eye. [Brother’s name] kept sobbing that he wouldn’t be able to visit Jungkook again, while you awkwardly patted his small back. Comforting people wasn’t your forte, but for the sake of people you loved, you were willing to do anything for them. Even if it meant handling their emotional outbursts.

“Come on, [Brother’s name]. We need to go home.” you murmured, yet he merely cried harder. Before you, Jungkook didn’t provide any assistance whatsoever except watching him for the past five minutes.

“B-but, I can’t see him again.” [Brother’s name] blubbered.

You wished to say that he would be able to meet Jungkook once he was a bit older, but you couldn’t exactly promise such a thing to him. Life sometimes got in the way of achieving what you wanted, and that was why you refused to go around spreading empty words unless the odds were favorable.

“Okay, well…” you glanced around, racking your brain to come up with a perfect solution that wouldn’t leave [Brother’s name] even sadder than he already was. “Why don’t you say goodbye to Kookie now? Who knows, you might feel a bit better.”

[Brother’s name] sniffled, but luckily, he obliged to your suggestion. Approaching the quiet Jungkook, he threw his small arms around his neck and sobbed into his bare shoulders.

“Kookie, I’m leaving now.” he croaked with a voice that broke your heart a little. You’d never expected to get teared up from witnessing such an emotional scene, even though Jungkook was nowhere near emotional. His face remained blank as he blinked repeatedly, as though unaware of a child weeping in his embrace.

Damn him. He could’ve at least made an effort to appear affected.

Sniffling once more, [Brother’s name] withdrew from the one-sided hug and smiled bitterly. “I’ll see you again, Kookie. Please don’t forget me.”

Jungkook stared at him for a moment before turned to you. His dark eyes were hollow yet piercing as if trying to gauge your reaction through your ‘friendly-sister-of-a-friend’ façade. Maybe he did, then that would explain why he kept watching you lately. If you could even call that ‘watching’ because it looked more like observing than mere watching. Still, it didn’t make the experience felt any less unnerving.

You simpered at him, nonetheless. Couldn’t show him your discomfort, could you? For all you knew, he could be planning something and a glimpse of your true feelings might be something he’d deeply anticipated. “Well, Jung– I mean, Kookie. I think it’s time for us to go. It’s been an interesting week, and I can’t say that I regretted meeting you.”

Just a little, though. You had always doubted that Tarzan existed, especially in such a modern world like this, but his existence proved otherwise.

Jungkook stepped forward and suddenly brought you into a deep hug. Stunned, you let him buried his head into your stomach. You could’ve sworn that you heard him purring too, yet that was the least of your worries. Jungkook had never been this bold before – he always retained some degree of shyness in expressing his affection – so perhaps he finally felt comfortable with you? Enough to embrace you without a warning like this?

“[Name]…” he mumbled against your shirt. Your eyes instinctively widened, while [Brother’s name] gasped in astonishment.

“He spoke!” [Brother’s name] squealed, clapping vigorously as if he had witnessed first-hand something extraordinary. That would be understandable considering that Jungkook never seemed to speak before. “He finally spoke!”

You didn’t know what to do in this situation. No, scratch that, you knew exactly what you wanted to do. You wanted to run – away from this forest and its nonsense – and never looked back. Being observed was enough to put you on the edge, and now he decided to call you by your name too? This should’ve turned on the warning bell in your head. And as much as you wished to shove him on to the ground, you still had the decency to gently push him away.

“Oh, did you hear that? Mama is calling us. Let’s go, [Brother’s name]!” On the spur of the moment, you came up with a not-so-believable lie and grabbed his hand.

[Brother’s name] sputtered in shock. “B-but, Noona, I didn’t–”

“Goodbye, Kookie!” you exclaimed with more vigor than necessary, or what would one expect from a farewell.

You dashed through the trees which homogeneity seemed to confuse you in each minute, determined to make it into the campsite before it was too late. Why did you feel this way when the forest looked safe? Honestly, you weren’t sure yourself. You just had this hunch that something was wrong the moment Jungkook averted his gaze to you.

Or maybe the darkness and desire in his eyes gave it away.

Either way, you couldn’t afford to rest even if [Brother’s name] had been panting since earlier. You wanted to prove to yourself that your hunch was incorrect; that it was merely a suspicion or a secret fear that Jungkook would try to harm you and your family. Maybe it was somewhat unfair to place the blame on him when he hadn’t done anything wrong than just being his shy, creepy self. But it wasn’t like you could trust someone you met a week ago. You weren’t that careless.

During your rushed journey, you’d prayed and prayed that your hunch didn’t come true. That it all just happened in your head. But nothing, absolutely nothing, could prepare you for the massacre that greeted you at your destination.

Bodies laid on top of each other, eyes glassy yet profound with the unfairness of being the innocent victims. Some of their limbs looked like they had been forcibly ripped out from their sockets, leaving bloody bones that protruded through the rugged flesh. Their clothes were torn, mouths opened in a silent scream that fell on deaf ears, and they were looking up the sky as though it could lend a lifeline to save them from their untimely dooms.

Bile climbed from the pit of your stomach as you covered [Brother’s name]’s eyes, afraid that he would be traumatized by the horrible sight. He was still young and pure; he didn’t need to see what his parents had become. Charred and torn beyond belief and recognition. Sure, you weren’t really fond of them due to their tendency to compare you with [Brother’s name], but they didn’t deserve to die. Nobody at this campsite did, honestly.

“Noona!”

You gasped when someone – or rather, something – snatched him from your grasp. A black chimpanzee stood in one of the branches and held him against its chest, shouting incoherent things to you. Despite your disinterest towards monkey and ape species, there was a hidden fear deep inside your heart that was reserved for the chimpanzees. Especially when they were cornering you right now, a helpless and panicked human. You didn’t know if chimpanzees could eat humans, but you did know about their cannibalistic habits.

And now, your beloved baby brother was held as a captive.

What kind of a shitty movie was this?!

“Do you still… want to leave, [Name]?” a breathy voice asked in a broken sentence, showing their slight inexperience of speaking human language.

Your expression went cold as you slowly turned around, wishing that the speaker was nothing like what you thought them to be. However, your hunch was proven correct once again.

“Jungkook,” you hissed, gritting your teeth in a refrained anger. As much as you wanted to lash out to him, you knew that the chimpanzees wouldn’t take too kindly of it. You just knew it. “What the fuck is this, huh? Explain this!”

“Calm… down.”

“Don’t tell me how to calm down, you piece of shit!”

As expected, the chimpanzees started to get hostile over your equally offensive approach. Some were already approaching you, ready to tear you to bits had Jungkook didn’t raise his hand. The clamor stopped as soon as it arose, but the aura they emanated was still murderous. Peering to Jungkook, you concluded that he must be a leader or some sort.

Would it be weird if you say that you weren’t surprised in the slightest?

“[Name], you have to… know that you can’t… leave this forest… as you please,” he explained without looking at you. Oh, so now he was acting haughty, huh? Where was the shy boy who couldn’t even see you without blushing?

“So what? People come here all the time, yet they’re free to go anytime they want. Why the fuck should I be any different, huh?” You pointed a finger in his direction and glowered, trying to display an aggressive body language despite your huge difference in power. Maybe those chimpanzees would back down somewhat?

Well, no. Because you could hear them growling in the background.

“Because… you’re special.”

You narrowed your eyes, clearly not amused with his half-assed excuse. If he thought that he could convince you with that, then he would be dead wrong. “The fuck–?”

As if on cue, the chimpanzee who held [Brother’s name] captive suddenly took a chunk out of his left shoulder. You froze in shock, watching the blood spurted from the wound like in slow motion. The sound of his agonized scream echoed in the forest, when not even a single cricket dare to chirp. All witnessed the chimpanzee brutally lacerated his flesh until the bone and tendons were visible to the naked eye.

“Stop! Stop!” you finally shouted after a moment of stupefaction, the aggressive facade shattered when tears started to trickle little by little. “Stop this, please! I… I’ll do anything! Just… just, please. Don’t hurt him. Please. I’ll do anything, I swear to God.”

Jungkook’s face lit up almost instantly. However, you were too busy worrying about [Brother’s name]’s state and dread over his looming death to notice it.

If only you saw his joyous face right now, or the smug smirk that closed your and [Brother’s name] fates…

But it wasn’t as though you could compromise his safety for the sake of your selfishness, right? No matter how much you envied him, no matter how much you wanted to be like him for just a little – a moment – he was, and would always be, your little brother. Your younger sibling.

Your beloved baby brother whose existence you’d been anticipating ever since your mother announced her pregnancy.

Your beloved baby brother who saw you for the first time with those sparkling doe eyes and pouty lips.

Your beloved baby brother who held your pinky finger and beamed that cute smile of his.

And most of all, your beloved baby who always made you smile and laugh when the world seemed to turn its back against you.

It was funny how easy it was to say ‘I love you’ to your exes, any time and any day when you had never said it to your own sibling.

What kind of a big sister was you?

“Really…? Then, I guess… you don’t mind if you become mine, right? I’ve been waiting… for this moment.” Jungkook inclined his head and smiled softly as if reminiscing something. “That kid… has been irritating me to no end.”

There was only regret and anger left in your constricting chest when Jungkook moved to hug you from behind. Regret for not being able to help your brother, and anger for being so fucking useless.

But what were you, compare to a horde of chimpanzees waiting for the right moment to strike?

What were you, compare to his authority and power?

And what were you, to resist your own fate?

You let those sturdy arms wrapped themselves around your chest like a straitjacket and sobbed. Resting his chin on your shoulder, Jungkook sighed contentedly.

“I’ve been waiting… to hold you like this… ever since… you appeared. It feels… nice.” He peered towards the damned chimpanzee as though he barely remembered that they were here in the first place, and their presence ruined his ‘peaceful’ moment. Never mind the fact that he was probably the one who had ordered them to ambush you.

“Everyone,” you stopped sobbing for a moment and waited with bated breath his next demand. What was he going to say? What was he going to do? Hopefully, he would release [Brother’s name] and allow him to live. After all, you had willingly give yourself to him. Surely Jungkook wasn’t that evil, right? There must be some humanity deep inside him, however small it might be.

… Right?

“Eat him.”

The chimpanzees immediately charged at [Brother’s name] from every direction without any hesitation whatsoever. You watched in horror their sharp teeth sunk into his skin and ripped it like a starved animal. He wailed and writhed in their hold, wishing anyone to help him.

To save him.

To rescue him.

“No, no, no!” At this point, you actively struggled against Jungkook’s much stronger grip as you kicked and screamed for them to stop. For him to stop. For everything to stop. “Why are you doing this?! Stop!”

“As I said earlier… you’re special. And I can’t… let that kid… get in the way of our happiness.” Jungkook buried his face into your sweaty neck and smiled, ignoring your resistance and cries of help. “Now, we can finally be together.”

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sugasmainn · 5 years

Text

Beautify the Beast Within Pt. 3

Masterlist

Word Count: 1.7K

Warnings: Language

Summary: Cursed. Cursed until he can find a way to melt his closed off and frozen heart. Only given 8 years to find someone to love him despite half of his face being burned and deformed. With a withering tree on his bedside table held as a reminder of the time he had slipping by him. Time that would slip by and make him stay like this forever, until he meets her. Will she be able to melt that heart of his and restore him back to himself, or just break him further?

“Yoongi, you’re going to have to sit out of BTS performance and appearances, at least until this curse is broken” Bang Si-Hyuk spoke to Yoongi sympathetically.

“WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO UNTIL THEN?” He yelled back.

“Compose and produce. You’re a genius Yoongi, we couldn’t let you go. You’re still apart of Bangtan, but just not visibly seen is all. I know it’s rough, but you have to think about the other boys. We want this to be broken, and we want you to go back to being you, but we can’t afford to lose ARMY and fans because they’re scared of you.”

Yoongi kept the anger plastered on his face, despite the fact he understood why this was happening. But, inside he couldn’t express anything but defeat. He knew this was an inevitable outcome, yet it still enraged him to have it happen. This was his dream, his LIFE. Now, because of this dumb bitch that cursed him, he was stuck. “So, I’m just supposed to be a side line?”

“It’s not permanent. It’s just until you can break this curse.”

“And what if I don’t?”

Bang Si-Hyuk didn’t respond, just with a look, and Yoongi knew exactly what the look meant. He’d be on the side for the rest of his career, because let’s face it, he knew he wasn’t going to get someone to fall in love with him, not looking like this. Who’s going to ever look at him, so beastly, and learn to fall in love with him as well?

It has been two weeks since Violette had moved into the Bangtan dorm, and to say she was totally upset about the situation was an understatement. She wasn’t told anything other than the fact that her services were permanently need as the legal consultant to Big Hit Entertainment, more specifically the members of Bangtan. She asked her boss, “Why?” and the only answer she was met with was, “Consider this an honor. Big Hit Entertainment is starting to go global because of the success that is being brought in by BTS. They not only want your services permanently, but to also be the legal consultant to the hottest boyband in the world right now. This is big for you!” Yet, she wasn’t as excited as her boss, or should she say former boss, had made it out that she should be feeling. She had already made it big in her eyes. Moving to Seoul from Texas to go to graduate school, earning herself a job at one of the top firms in South Korea only a year after graduating, and earning one of the highest positions for someone her age and so early into their career. What was she met with now? Being the legal consultant to strictly one group of seven young men? She didn’t care about the fact they were so popular. She had to give up something that she had accomplished on her own, something that meant so much to her, and not only that, but she had to give her life up and move out to go ahead with this new job.

Yoongi has been trying like crazy to find time to talk to her but was met with small gestures and short responses. “Hyung, what’s going on? Why do you look even sadder then usual?” Namjoon asked entering the living room to see a sad Yoongi on the couch.

“It’s nothing. Just go away Namjoon.”

“Look man, I know you’re usually someone who’s extremely private, but I can tell this is something that is bothering you more than normal. So, what’s going on? Because I’m not leaving until you tell me what it is.”

“God, you’re so annoying. Fine, you remember how the enchantress said I had 8 years to find someone to love me?” Yoongi said, now meeting Namjoon’s gaze.

“Pretty sure she said you had to find someone that you love more than yourself, but yeah sure.”

“Loopholes. Anyways, I’ve been trying to get to know Violette and create that connection.”

“So, you’re the reason why we’re now stuck living with a female.”

“Shut up.” Yoongi said, now a bit irritated.

“What makes you think that she’s the one that could break the spell? I mean, no offense or anything hyung, cause I’m rooting for you, but if you haven’t found someone in the last 7 years, what makes you think you’re going to now with her?”

Just then, without either of them hearing her walking towards them, Violette was making her way towards the living room to get to the kitchen. She heard her name being used, so she hid a bit in order to her what was being said of her.

“When we first met, she made me take off my disguise. When she saw all of me, she didn’t even flinch or look away. She made straight eye contact with me. She put me in my place without hesitation each time I was being rude towards her. She’s the first girl in 7 years who I actually can stand being around for more than just a few hours.” Yoongi said in a tone that let Namjoon know, he was being serious. “That’s why I made Bang Si-Hyuk have her move in as our legal consultant. I need to be near her enough for this to work. I can’t let my last chance get away from me.”

She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. So, he MADE Bang Si-Hyuk tell my boss to make me move here? What the hell? Just so he can talk to me? And what does he mean by his last chance? Fuck this guy. He just ruined my life.Violette thought to herself, and the ran to her room to cry a bit. She couldn’t believe that some man’s lame attempt just ruined everything in her life that she had worked so hard for. Yet, she couldn’t help but feel bad for him. Had he really needed to go through all this trouble in order to feel loved? Did he not think that he, himself, was any good? It hurt her to see someone go through so much to be loved.

Yoongi was still sitting on the couch, talking to Namjoon about where he should go from here. “What should I do hyung? She won’t say more than a couple of words to me. How am I supposed to work with some who is being so difficult?”

“Calm down. You have to think about things from her perspective as well. Her whole life as she knew it was just taken away from her at the snap of someone, your, fingers. She needs time to adjust to things here” Namjoon said in a matter-of-fact manner. “Why don’t you go try talking to her now? Maybe you can try and empathize with her about what she’s going through right now.”

“But I really don’t care about the fact she’s having a tough time. She’s being stubborn, and I won’t get anywhere with someone being so stubborn.”

“No, you’re not going to get anywhere with you being so selfish. She’s not going to fall in love with you and vise-versa if you don’t start at least TRYING to care for someone else” Namjoon said sternly. “Now, go in there and talk to her about her damn feelings.”

Rolling his eyes in frustration, Yoongi finally agreed saying, “Fine.”

He went to Violette’s door and knocked. “Who’s there?” He heard her say in a sad tone. He felt a knot in his chest at the sound of her sounding so, helpless? The hell do I care for? She’s here for one purpose only. Forget about that Yoongi and do what you came here for. He thought to himself.

“It’s Yoongi. Can I come in for a second?”

She didn’t respond. He began to grow frustrated at the lack of progress he was making here. Just as he was about to pound the door, he heard footsteps making their way to the door he was standing in front of. Within a few seconds, the door came open to reveal a tear stained Violette. “Are you okay?” He asked, trying to sound concerned.

“What do you care?” He said to him coldly.

This threw him off. He had no idea why she was acting so coldly to him, when all he’s ever tried to show her since she arrived here was kindness. “Um, cause I heard sniffling and now I’m looking at your face being puffy-“

“Wow, you sure do know how to flatter a girl there, Min Yoongi” She said rolling her eyes in annoyance.

At this point, Yoongi was started to get irritated by her attitude. “Look, I’m just trying to see if you needed someone to vent to. There’s no reason for you to be rude here, you got that?”

She laughed slightly, looked him dead in the eyes and said, “No, you listen to me. I don’t know exactly the reason why you had me move here, give up my whole life and what I’ve worked so hard the last few years for, and frankly, if I could, I would leave here in a heartbeat. You have ruined everything. I find it extremely hard to believe that you give any shits about how I’m feeling, because if you ever thought about how I was feeling, or how I would feel, I wouldn’t be here in this position right now.”

He looked at her with an utter expression of shock at what she had just told him. She knows it was me? He thought to himself. “But, how did you-“

“Know it was you?” She interrupted him. “I was trying to get to the kitchen when I overheard you talking to one of your bandmates about how you had Bang Si-Hyuk move me here because I’m your ‘last chance’. I have no idea what that means, and right now I could care less, because I know I’m going to be stuck here for God knows how long. But, don’t think I’m ever going to pretend that all of this isn’t your fault” She said, and with that slamming the door in his face.

“FINE. IF YOU WANT TO BE A LITTLE BITCH ABOUT IT, THEN DO SO. BUT DON’T THINK YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT LIKE SLAM THE FUCKING DOOR IN MY FACE” Yoongi yelled through the door. Though his outward expression was one of anger and frustration, inside, he was feeling such guilt. She hates me. Why do I feel so upset about the fact she hates me? Lots of people hate me and I don’t care. So, why am I actually feeling upset about HER hating me?

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belphegor1982 · 5 years

Text

All aboard for chapter 5! Last chance for a breather before Plot strikes :3

FAIRY TALES AND HOKUM

Summary: 1937: The O'Connells are required by the English Government to bring the Diamond taken from Ahm Shere from Cairo to London. Things get interesting when Jonathan bumps by chance into an old friend of his from Oxford, Tom Ferguson…

Chapter 5: At the Bazaar (on AO3 here)

The next couple of days were surprisingly uneventful, by the O’Connell standards in any case. Rick had quickly got over his initial fury, mollified by the absence of notable events – apart from the actual theft of the diamond, and the fact that his brother-in-law avoided going out on nights for two days. That surprised Rick to no end, although, come to think of it, Jonathan really didn’t seem up to it. The man did look like he had been visited by the mother of all hangovers, although Rick knew that wasn’t the case. For once.

But of course, the real reason why his anger had died down so fast was Evelyn. The look on her face when she had gone to bed that night was something he had never seen before: sadness, and defeat. Evy never let herself be overcome by defeat, never. That had made him wonder silently as she slipped into their bed, not saying a word either. And it was the first thought that sneaked back into his mind when he woke up the morning after.

“Honey? You awake?”

She slept with her back to him after huddling against his chest during the night. Although this felt very comfortable, Rick always preferred it when she faced him, so he could watch her as she dreamed, and the funny faces she made then. It was also because of those little things, which he couldn’t live without, that Rick never regretted marrying her.

There were some other things that he found he definitely could do without, though. Like her misguided, so very annoying sense of responsibility – if she could take the blame for every damn mummy rising in Egypt or elsewhere, she would do it. She would always try to set things right no matter what the potential for catastrophe.

But she also had a way of making him feel like a complete heel every time he didn’t agree with her on something that was important to her. As long as it wasn’t life-threatening, that was okay, but right now, he was feeling downright miserable because of the way his wife had looked before she went to bed. And despite the fact that he was still certain that the idea of staying longer in Egypt was the worst since opening the chest with the Bracelet of Anubis, he was well aware that there was nothing he wouldn’t do to make Evy smile again.

His whisper was answered by a stir of the lovely round shoulders in front of him, and a muffled, sleepy voice, “Yes, dear… I’m awake.”

He put a tender hand on her shoulder, and planted a few small kisses on the back of her neck. “Evelyn – look, I’m sorry about yesterday.” Even after all these years, even to her, he still had some trouble apologising. And she knew it. He heard a slight change in her breathing. “I didn’t mean what I said. I mean, I meant it then, but I didn’t mean to mean it – I was just angry, and worried, is all.”

Evy turned slightly, and he could partly see her face over her shoulder. Her eyes were shining in the half-light of the rising sun behind the shutters.

“I know you were worried. We’ve already gone through that before. But that doesn’t excuse your words, Rick. And it certainly doesn’t solve the problem.”

“Which problem are we talking about, exactly?” So many problems had appeared with the disappearance of that diamond, he didn’t know which one to pick.

“You told me very clearly that you wouldn’t be part of anything, this time. That I can understand. But –”

“No, please – the real problem is that I don’t want to get involved in this, but you do, quite obviously. And there’s another problem: each time you get involved in something when you shouldn’t, something happens and you’re caught right in the middle of it. That is what I don’t want to happen.”

To his amazement, Evy let out a little laugh, which shook her shoulders slightly. She rolled on her back and looked at him from the corner of her eye.

“What’s so funny?”

“You. Jonathan said pretty much the same thing yesterday, almost to the word – that he didn’t want to get ‘involved’, but that I clearly did. And he was very upset about that last part – even angry, I’d say.”

“That shows your brother’s making sense. For once, I completely agree with him.” And that was saying something considering the number of things they disagreed on. “By the way… I didn’t have time to ask yesterday – is he okay?”

This time, Evelyn turned to him, and he could see her entire face. It was a welcome sight, especially given the fact that she was still smiling slightly.

“He will be. But he had me thoroughly afraid for a little while.” Her smile vanished, and she gazed into the space in front of her. When she looked back at him, her eyes were serious. “Believe me, darling, I’m not doing it for… for thrills or some misplaced notion of fun. The Bracelet, the Sceptre – every object linked to Ahm Shere caused pain to the world, and to us in particular, and I have a feeling that this diamond might not be an exception to the rule. I want to see it safe, because I want to see you safe. You, Alex, Jonathan – you’re my only family, and I can’t bear to think about any of you getting hurt.”

Rick listened silently. Voiced that way, her motives made complete sense. His fury of yesterday had been fuelled by the fear he had of losing Evy or Alex again, and the need he felt to protect his family. Evy had had exactly the same reaction, only taking different decisions, in her own true way. And while such decisions were annoying as hell, they were also understandable.

“That’s very thoughtful of you, sweetheart, I appreciate that,” he sighed with a smile to signal his surrender. “But I’d like to point out to you that you were the one who died last time. So allow me to feel a little unsure about all this.”

Her eyes grew sadder, and she snuggled against him. He held her back, taking the opportunity to caress the soft skin of her arms, immensely glad that the fight was over.

“So… does that mean you will still be with me?”

“Frankly, Evy –” Rick slightly shook his head, incredulous. “I can’t believe you are asking me that. Of course I will – I always will. That’s what this ring stands for, doesn’t it? I love you, and I’ll always be with you… Even if that means putting up with your – what’d Jonathan say the other day? Those Englishmen, they do have a knack for understatements… ‘idiosyncrasies.’ Yeah, that’s it.”

He grinned at her, and she gave a broad smile. Their faces were so close that their foreheads were almost touching. From there he could look properly at her features and her bright eyes, count the few freckles on her nose, and see the small lines that had begun to creep at the corners of her eyes. Rick found himself liking those lines. Each one meant something they had gone through together, a moment they had lived together, a laugh or a worry they had shared. And he didn’t mind lines on his own face, as long as they mirrored his wife’s. He wanted to live with her, and that also meant growing old with her.

And it really couldn’t hurt if she was still kissing like that in twenty years, he thought as their lips touched.

Mmh… Definitely not.

.⅋.

“You really have no idea what you’ll give Mum for her birthday, have you?”

Alex stopped in his tracks and squinted up at his uncle with a frown. Even at this hour in the morning, the sunlight made his eyes ache slightly whenever he looked up from his shoes.

Uncle Jon squinted back, his eyes reduced to a pair of blue slits. “I’ll have you know that I’ve been thoroughly looking for a gift for quite some time. Really. I just seem to be unable to find the perfect present, that’s all.”

Alex waited, feeling that something was still to come.

“Having said that, I remain open to suggestions.”

“I knew it.” Alex rolled his eyes. “You don’t have a clue.”

“I do!” retorted Jonathan indignantly.

“You don’t.”

“I do, too!”

“You don’t!”

“I do!”

“You don’t!”

“I do!”

“You don’t!”

“I don’t!”

“You do!” Alex closed his mouth with a snap just after uttering the last syllable, realising that he’d been had. He glared at his uncle, who was chuckling discreetly.

“That wasn’t playing fair, Uncle Jon.”

“You’re right, partner,” Jonathan said with a laugh. “Next time I’ll be more of a sport.”

Alex nodded his approval seriously, and straightened the solar topee1 on his head, wishing that it was not so big. The thing kept sliding off, and it was really annoying. It was nine in the morning, and uncle and nephew had sneaked out to the bazaar, leaving a note to Mum and Dad on the kitchen table. His parents had not come out of their room yet. Uncle Jon had said something about the two of them still having some making up to do, and as Alex realised that it would involve a lot of kissing, hugging and other dubious stuff, he’d been more than happy to go outside and help his uncle find a fitting present for Mum.

They had just arrived at the bazaar: a large esplanade a little outside the centre of the city with ground of hard-packed earth, where quite a number of tents had been pitched, some more crookedly than others. Behind many, always nearby, the owners’ mules or camels were peacefully chewing on what they could; those who could afford a shaded spot for their beasts, let alone some extra fresh food, were lucky and rare.

Alex always liked bazaars, Cairo’s bazaar in particular, with its bright colours, strong smells, loud noises, and never-ending movements. The robes of men in coloured djellabas and women with stern eyes brushed past him as he let his eyes wander endlessly, reminding him of his dislike of still walking at armpit-level. But that familiar feeling didn’t alter the pleasure of being there. There was so much to see at once, and hear, and feel.

“Want some sound advice, Alex?” said Uncle Jon, his long hand clutching his nephew’s. “Keep an eye out for hustlers. There are so many unscrupulous characters in this world, you may not know them before they swindle you, you mark my words.”

The boy refrained from observing slyly that there had been some times when his uncle had not shown many qualms over a few shady deeds of his own – after all, Jonathan had been the one who had taught Alex how to open a door without a key, something Mum never needed to know – and tightened his hand around the few English coins he had in the pocket of his shorts. It wasn’t much, but it was his, and Mum wouldn’t like it if he lost his money.

“Here – what d’you think of those?” Jonathan was pointing to a display of golden trinkets of faux Ancient Egyptian style. Alex shook his head.

“That’s a knockoff, Uncle Jon. She won’t like it.”

“I know this one’s fake, I mean this sort of style could do the trick,” grumbled Jonathan, obviously offended that his own nephew didn’t believe him capable of telling a false treasure from a genuine one. Alex was perfectly aware of his uncle’s knowledge when it came to gold. But it was fun to tease him. He fell for it every time, just like Mum when Dad teased her.

“Why don’t you buy her a dress or something? She did like the last one you gave her.”

Jonathan shrugged. “Your dad’s already offering her a new set of ‘adventurer’s’ clothes, the kind she likes to wear here, with trousers and stuff.”

Alex smirked.

“Don’t you like it when she wears trousers then?”

A non-committal noise accompanied a second shrug.

“It’s not that I don’t like it. I happen to find it rather distasteful, but as long as she’s comfortable… Evy’s always been pigheaded when it came to her appearance. Have you seen pictures of her before she met your dad?”

Oh, yes he had. It was hard to think that his mum had once looked like that, a young girl with old-fashioned clothes, little round glasses, a tight bun, and such a bossy air about her. She still used glasses to read, but much thinner than they had been, and she let her hair down most of the time. And the skirts she wore now were nothing like the long, stiff-looking ones she used to wear.

“Yeah. She looked like Mrs Blimp – sorry, Mrs Blinppiditch, my old teacher.”

“I suppose that’s saying a lot.” It was Jonathan’s turn to smirk. “What I mean is that your mum doesn’t care a jot about clothes and whatnot, and it’s always been like that. She wouldn’t hear a single word about it. When you were on your way – not born yet – Rick and I talked her into wearing light dresses, and I think your dad enjoyed that a lot. But as soon as she was back in Egypt with her hammers and chisels, she found out that trousers were more practical than dresses and skirts. Which is, I’m sure, not untrue.”

Alex, who only wore long trousers on Sundays and important occasions, did not fully agree with him. Shorts were indeed quite handy here in Egypt, more so than longer ones; if he wanted to climb up a wall or a tree, his mum would surely be more inclined to punish him if any harm came to the precious trousers. He preferred by far her fussing over a pair of scraped knees than ruined trouser legs.

Then again, the thought of his mum in short trousers made him cringe inwardly. What would the lads say, at school? They always said that his mum was quite pretty – as much for a girl as for a mum – but some already sniggered when she came to get him at the gates, after school, and fussed over him like he was still a little kid. This sort of thing could ruin a lad’s reputation if he was not careful. Of course he was glad whenever he saw her, especially after what happened at Ahm Shere, but… sometimes he wished she could just leave him alone.

Problem was, this kind of thinking often bothered him. You couldn’t go thinking that way about your mum, could you?

“What’s so nice about dresses, then?”

“Don’t ask me. I haven’t been in a dress since that panto2 in sixth form and you won’t get me to remember that disaster as long as I live.”

Alex chuckled. “I’ll ask Ardeth Bay, then. He’s the only guy I know who wears something close enough.”

“Now look here, you –” Uncle Jon looked as if he wanted to scold him, but couldn’t quite do it because of the smile he was trying to hide. He did that very often. “Don’t go joking about Medjai clothes, especially around him. They can be a little touchy about some stuff. And besides, if someone deserves respect, it’s him. The number of times that bloke saved our necks…”

“I didn’t mean to be disrespectful, honest!” said Alex, who had had a great admiration for the Medjai chieftain ever since he first saw him, years and years ago on his first trip to Egypt. Even if the man’s sense of humour seemed to appear just as often as Uncle Jon’s conscience did. “And don’t worry, I’m not daft enough to joke about that in front of him.”

“I believe the Western phrase for this sort of situation is, ‘Speak of the devil’…” said a quiet voice with an Eastern lilt somewhere near Jonathan. Alex’s uncle gave a start and turned wide eyes at the dark-clad shadow who had seemed to appear out of thin air just beside him. Ardeth Bay was standing there, wearing a dark brown cloak over his black and silver Medjai robes. His bright eyes were smiling as he lowered his hood.

“I say,” stammered Jonathan, one hand clutching his heart, “it’s jolly good to see you, Ardeth, old boy, but I’m getting a mite old for this sort of scare. How’s the family?”

“A pleasure to see you too, my friend.” Ardeth laughed quietly, shaking Uncle Jon’s hand as colour crept back up to the latter’s face. “They’re very well, thank you for asking. Imeni still worries that Maira is too serious for her age, and Sabni now insists on following his sister everywhere, even when he shouldn’t3.”

“Don’t I know the feeling,” said Jonathan fervently. Ardeth smiled at that, then gave a nod to Alex. The boy could have sworn that the dark eyes were twinkling.

“Good morning, Alex O’Connell. Don’t worry about offending me with jokes, I know you have good intentions. And a little humour at times cannot hurt.”

Okay. Point taken. It wasn’t the first time Alex thought the strange man could read minds.

“Hi, Ardeth,” he said with a grin, looking up and trying not to squint too much. Bloody light. “You’re here for the diamond, aren’t you?”

Ardeth raised his black eyebrows. “I see that the habit of getting straight to the point has passed on to the next generation in the O’Connell family.” Alex felt his cheeks grow warmer in spite of himself. If there was a person in the world who could, with a single glance, put him in his place, make sure he stayed there for a couple of seconds, and manage to not make him feel rotten in the meanwhile, it was this man. He sure was imposing enough for it.

“Yes, I am indeed heading for the museum. Dr Hakim sent for me, and I set off as soon as I received the message.”

“That was pretty fast,” commented Jonathan with a low whistle as they walked a little away from the crowd of the bazaar. Ardeth nodded.

“In times of need, I have Neith to help me.”

Something dawned on Alex’s uncle’s face. “Oh – like Horus?”

“C’mon, Uncle Jon, Neith’s nothing to do with Horus in Egyptian Mythology!” Alex protested, unwilling to believe that Jonathan had forgotten that part. He had spent whole nights talking about Egyptian legends with his uncle when he couldn’t sleep.

“You are mistaken, young O’Connell,” said Ardeth. “Your uncle was speaking of a falcon friend of mine who once was of great help to me, sending word to the Twelve Tribes before the Rising of the Army of Anubis two years ago. I was quite grieved when he was killed over the Oasis of Ahm Shere.”

“Oh – sorry.” Alex felt uncomfortable. Not just because of his mistake, but also because of something that had seemed, for a split second, to cloud over the bright eyes. Even if all had been set up ages before it happened, as his mum had told him, it still seemed that a lot of people had got hurt as a direct consequence of his putting on the Bracelet. ‘No harm ever came from putting on a bracelet’, his mum would say, according to Dad. Well, it had seemed like a good idea at the time.

“No harm done, Alexander,” said Ardeth, and Alex was somewhat relieved to see that his eyes were still smiling. Even though he still didn’t like it at all when people called him by his full name, even if it was Ardeth, who always called Mum ‘Evelyn’, not ‘Evy’ like Dad and his uncle Jon. “Neith is indeed a falcon; she’s fast, and quite clever, which is why Fahad sends her for long distance messages. And he’s explained everything that happened the day before yesterday.”

Alex saw the dark eyes flicker to the light bandage that showed slightly under Jonathan’s hat. Mum had insisted that he wore it till tonight, and he had reluctantly conceded.

“Are you all right?”

“Yes, yes, head hard as a rock – blighter banged with all his might, though. Thanks for the concern,” Jonathan said with a smile. Then he winced. “Blast it, now I think of it… As my ever so subtle brother-in-law once put it, ‘You’re here, bad guys are here’… There’s all this ominous doom and gloom going on with that blasted diamond… All we need now is Evy getting kidnapped, God forbid –”

“And another raising of the Creature happens?” ended Ardeth, one black eyebrow raised. The thought of someone’s sense of humour going on a holiday crossed Alex’s mind, and he clung to this idea to avoid thinking about the cold, empty eyes of Imhotep. “Hamunaptra has remained quiet ever since Hafez’s men stopped digging. We found the Book of the Living there, and we keep it under close watch, night and day. As for the Creature itself… Lucky would be the one who could manage to find its body under the sands of Ahm Shere. Besides, according to what Evelyn and O’Connell told me, it’s very unlikely that he would even be willing to be raised a third time. His love abandoned him.”

“You know, I still can’t believe how hurt he looked back then,” Uncle Jon said, looking thoughtful. “I actually felt sorry for the bloke, despite the whole Evil Mummy Enemy thing and everything he’d done. If he still had a heart at that point, I bet we all could’ve heard it shatter into little pieces.”

“Despite all the ancient resentment of my people against the Creature, I probably would have felt pity for him as well, had I been there,” Ardeth said, not departing from his quiet smile. “Feeling pity for an enemy can be thought of as a weakness by some, but it is one of our prerogatives as human beings.”

For all the respect he had for the serious Medjai leader, Alex could not understand this knack of his for long, intricate sentences that sounded like riddles. And it was a little bit frustrating to never be sure whether these were riddles or not. The only sign was the grin Ardeth would give afterwards, brief but always striking with a flash of white teeth against skin the colour of light coffee.

The grin came, although slightly subdued. “Nothing has been decided yet, so you do not have to worry,” said the Medjai, before looking intently at Jonathan and Alex in turn. “All I ask from you and your family is to keep yourselves out of this as much as possible. I don’t doubt that you would only be trying to help, but I don’t think that it would be a good idea, much as I value your aid and your friendship.”

“Tell that to Mum,” muttered Alex, shuffling on a little patch of earth. Ardeth’s eyes flashed to him.

“Your mother is known as a person who’ll do whatever she thinks is right,” he said seriously, “and even if that has led her into trouble many a time, it is still something to respect.” Then the hint of a smile flickered over his face. “Although I must say that, despite all her good intentions, Evelyn O’Connell is also known for her stubbornness and her tendency of getting where she shouldn’t.”

“Amen to that, my friend!” Uncle Jon said with a wide grin, his blue eyes twinkling. “You seldom spoke a truer truth.”

The three of them shared a knowing smile. Then Ardeth looked around, before replacing the hood of his brown cloak over his head. His eyes, almost hidden in shadow, came to rest on Jonathan, and Alex in turn.

“Be sure to send my regards to Evelyn and O’Connell,” he said. “I don’t know whether I will be able to greet them myself.”

“Oh, come on, old chap, you’re always welcome to drop by anytime,” protested Uncle Jon heartily.

“Yeah,” added Alex. “It’d be smashing if you could come over some time. Really spiffing.”

Ardeth raised an eyebrow. “I suppose that means you’d be happy to see me?”

Alex chose to take that seriously. “Of course, honestly –” The crooked grin told him that someone’s sense of humour was back from holiday. Ardeth’s quiet chuckle echoed his.

“I may be seeing you in the future, then. Till then, good day.”

And he was gone. Only one second, and he had vanished into the crowd, his cloak blending perfectly.

“Do you know,” Jonathan said, squinting in the sun before lowering his eyes to his nephew, “I think Ardeth might enjoy being the dark and mysterious figure a little too much for his own good.”

“Probably,” answered Alex, as he felt a grin pull at the corner of his mouth. “But he does a damn great job of it. So who cares?”

This earned him a small laugh from his uncle Jon, who grinned down. “Let it be remembered that you were the voice of reason on this one, son.”

They were both laughing as they returned to the crowd of the bazaar. However, after a little while spent at looking at tents where they sold elaborate tea sets, hookahs, and loads of other jewellery, they had returned to arguing about Alex’s mum’s birthday.

“I’m just saying that you’re being entirely too negative about all this – there, look, maybe a good book will do nicely!”

They had just come across a display of a few old-looking books, and Alex had to admit that Jonathan was right. His mum loved books, especially old ones, and among these old ones she was mad about everything that had anything to do with Egypt.

They made for the table where the books lay, but Alex was growing more and more sceptical about it. There were few books he knew of which Mum didn’t have already. Still, it might be worth a try.

However, his hopes slowly dwindled as the two browsed the titles on the tattered covers, recognising most of the books for having seen them somewhere, either in the mansion – as Alex liked to call it – or their smaller house in Cairo.

“Tough luck,” sighed Uncle Jon as he put down yet another book, this one with the words Cult of Cats in the XIIth Dynasty embossed in gold on the cover. “Seems that my dear sister owns every damn book out there about Egypt…”

“Jon? ‘That you?”

Jonathan turned, and Alex peered around his uncle to see Tom Ferguson standing near the table, a smile on his broad face.

“Hullo, Tommy,” said Jonathan, looking equally pleased. “Looking for something in particular?”

“Nah, not really.” Tom shook his head, sandy hair falling into his eyes. “I come to this tent every day to see if there’s somethin’ new out – I told you the other day I just have this thing for old books.” He leant over the table to greet the owner of the tent, who seemed to know him; they exchanged a few words in Arabic, which Alex didn’t catch all of, although he did understand that Tom was asking for new acquisitions. He got a negative answer, and nodded his thanks, looking disappointed; then he turned back to Jonathan.

“Too bad… Been a couple of days since they got something new. What about you? What’re you doing here?”

“Playing at knight of the Quest for the Ultimate Birthday Present,” deadpanned Uncle Jon despondently, making his nephew chortle. “Evy’s birthday’s in three weeks, and I still haven’t got anything to give her.”

“Starting to get a little panicked there, are ya?” Tom gave a laugh. “I know the feeling. You should see the rush I get into every year when it’s Liz’s birthday.”

“Is Liz your sister then?” asked Alex. If it was, then he was definitely not keen on having a little sibling some day. He had enough trouble managing to scrape together for presents for three people at Christmases and birthdays.

Tom smiled. “No, Elizabeth’s me wife.”

“Ah – sorry, my mistake.” But that didn’t make Alex change his mind about little siblings.

“Oh, before I forget!” exclaimed Tommy, switching subjects with an easiness that made Alex wonder. “Good thing I bumped into you now, ‘cause Hamilton’d like to see you about what happened the day before yesterday – for the report, you know. I was going to send you a telegram, but since you’re here… Tomorrow at four.”

“Hamilton? Your boss?” Jonathan frowned. “Why’s that? Isn’t your report enough?”

Tommy shrugged. “That’s the rule of the Department – gather information from as many sources as possible. You must’ve noticed that with the file I lent you… My superiors are maniacs whenever rules are concerned.”

There was a short silence, then Tommy gave a nod toward Jonathan’s head, and asked rather uncomfortably, “Speaking of the other day… Does it still hurt?”

Jonathan rolled his eyes. “What are you people making such a fuss for, honestly? I got coshed on the head, so what? I’m quite all right, thank you.” Then he stopped, and looked at Tommy, something softening on his face. “What about you?”

“Oh, I’m fine,” said Tommy with a wave of his hand. “For once I got lucky – you got the short end of the stick.” He was silent for a second, and Alex found that he could relate to the guy’s hesitation. He always felt slightly uneasy himself when dealing with concern for someone that wasn’t his mum. It was so much easier to be Mum’s little boy than a big, tough guy, even if it was more embarrassing… Of course, being Dad’s big guy had its advantages. Then again, Dad hadn’t been a mum’s little boy for very long. That was something Alex just couldn’t imagine, a boy without a mum.

At least, he had never come to imagine it before the events at Ahm Shere two years ago. Afterwards, he’d wondered sometimes what his life would’ve been without his mum, and he had always kept this train of thought brief. As Ardeth had said at some point, while the memories of the past were a precious thing, it did a man no good to dwell upon them. Yes, it had to be something along those lines.

“Not to insist or anything, but – I’m serious, mate, you really got me scared back there. When I came round, I saw your sister bent over you, your head was bleedin’… Believe me, you looked dead.”

For once, Alex was glad he was not eye-level with the adults. It would have been difficult not to look too conspicuous as he felt his cheeks lose their colour and his stomach do a somersault. While worry for Mum and Dad when they ventured into those creepy pyramids full of traps had become such a familiar feeling that he was almost used to it, he had never had an opportunity to think that someday, his uncle might not be there. Well, not quite: for a few seconds, down in the pyramid, he’d feared that his mum would be too late to stop that witch Anck-su-namun as her arm came down to stab Jonathan. It would’ve been awful if his uncle died just as his mum came back. As that old but funny Irish bloke4 had once said, losing one family member was a tragedy. Losing two was carelessness.

Jonathan looked slightly uncomfortable for a second, then his old grin was back on his face as he quipped, “Well, considering Evy’s propensity to wake the dead, I wouldn’t have stayed that way for long, would I? Besides, I can recall some occurrences when the two of us ended looking more dead than alive. Let me think, there was this incident with the girls’ college…”

Puzzled but highly interested, Alex looked from Uncle Jon to Tommy, whose brown eyes, which had seemed a little dimmed during these last minutes, lit up suddenly. “Oh, yeah, I remember. I reckon I was the one to blame for this… But you chatted up the wrong girl in the King’s Arms, and we ended up having to hide in that cellar for two days after that.”

All right. This was getting more and more interesting, and Alex made a mental note to ask his uncle about it later. He also wondered briefly at Jonathan’s disconcerting ability for changing subjects. All trace of uneasiness had disappeared, and the two men wore an identical grin on their faces.

“Well, it’s good to see you’re all right – and that this blow on your head didn’t erase fond school memories,” said Tommy with a lopsided smile that Uncle Jon returned. “I do hope that nobody’s getting hurt next time we’re in the same room, though.”

Alex couldn’t help but grin. That was something Mum used to say – with a slight variation – the first few times she left him in Jonathan’s care for an entire evening. She seemed to think that, as soon as she left them together without her to watch over, disaster would swoop down on the house faster than you could say ‘catastrophe’. ‘And I hope that nobody will be hurt next time I enter the room!’ How many times had he heard it?

“And it’s equally good to see that your skull is as hard as it once was,” retorted Jonathan in the same tone of voice. “So – tomorrow at four, then?”

“Yeah, at my office. And don’t be late!” Tommy said in a mock stern tone, pointing a warning finger at him. “Hamilton can be moderately pleasant when he wants to, but he has a thing for punctuality, and you don’t want to be near him when he’s in a bad mood.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, don’t worry.”

“See ya, then!”

“Cheers!��

Tommy shook Uncle Jon’s hand, gently clapped Alex’s shoulder and left with a last grin. Unlike Ardeth, who had seemed to merge into the landscape in the twinkling of an eye, it was a little while before his broad frame disappeared from sight.

“Uncle Jon…” said Alex after a few seconds as a thought crossed his mind. “What did happen at that girls’ college?”

Blue eyes looked down at him, twinkling. “I do think that if I ever told you, and your dad happened to hear about it, he’d kill me on the spot and put my head in a frame on the wall.”

Alex was silent for a moment, long enough to get the mental picture right; then he grinned up at Jonathan. “And what about this – ‘incident’ in the King’s Arms? You could tell me about that, couldn’t you?”

Jonathan scratched the back of his neck before grinning sheepishly. “If I did, then your dad would have to dig me up, so that he would kill me again. Oh, and I’m sure your mum would give him a hand.”

Whoa. It sounded definitely worth it. “That bad, eh?”

“Maybe when you’re a little older. Just a little.” It really had to be serious, because Alex knew that his uncle was aware of his dislike for such excuses. To his credit, he didn’t use them very often.

“But you will tell me some day, right, Uncle Jon?” he asked earnestly. Jonathan grinned.

“Right-ho, partner. Promise I will. Now let’s get a present for your mum, shall we?”

Happy to have his uncle’s promise, Alex followed him into the coloured crowd of robes and suits, still clinging to his hand.

Not a piece of jewellery, not a dress, not a book… Maybe a camel would do the trick, after all.

.⅋.

1aka. a pith helmet.

2Pantomine – a play where every male character is played by a woman, and vice versa. I actually did one about Snow White when I studied English in uni. I played a stoner version of either Sleepy or Sneezy. It was hilarious and I had a great time.

3We don’t know much about Medjai naming traditions, do we? The only one we have is Ardeth, which comes from Hebrew and is traditionally a female name. I ended up giving the Medjai both Egyptian and Ancient Egyptian first names.

4That’s Oscar Wilde, in The Importance of Being Earnest: “To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.”

(hoping the HTML footnotes work... EDIT: well, they don’t, but at least they tell the potential reader there’s a footnote. *shrug* Ah well.)

#Fairy Tales and Hokum #my stuff #fanfiction #the mummy #the mummy films

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imnobodyuknow · 5 years

Text

“Well, I guess it’s time to introduce this ‘big reveal,’ or whatever. Let’s see what it--”

“Oh...”

“Let me see it! Is it pretty?”

“Oh!”

***Spoilers for Doki Doki Literature Club and Ib Ahead***

Here it is, this blog’s 20th “big reveal”! I honestly didn’t think I’d ever finish this many drawings, but where there’s a will, there’s a way!

This one is mostly self-explanatory, but I still have a lot to say about it, so just hang on tight...

Unlike my last nine drawings (and most of the rest of them), this one is a bit on the sadder side. In it, DDLC’s Monika decided to venture outside the realm of her own game and explore a different one -- not ours (thank goodness), but that of a different horror game: Ib. There she crossed paths with another young, self-righteous antagonist: the painting known as Mary.

Much like in my other crossover drawings, I decided to have these two meet because of how much they share in common, both in their personalities and their experiences. Both of them, at some point, became self-aware and discovered that the world they lived in was entirely fabricated (as were they), both of them made attempts to change the situation they were “born” into, and, as a result, they each met with very similar fates.

(Artist Unknown)

Now, while I do feel a certain amount of sympathy for both of them, I’m of the opinion that they each got what they ultimately deserved. And for the record, when it comes to video game villains, Monika is down there with my least favorite, going even lower than Undertale’s Chara and Ace Attorney’s Dahlia Hawthorne -- and bear in mind that I once wrote and sang a hate song about Ms. Hawthorne. They’re despicable for their own reasons, but at least I didn’t see them messing around with... Eh, you know what? I’d better stop myself there before I go on a rant.

Nonetheless, I felt it only fair to include her in my collection of DDLC fan art, along with someone whose situation is practically the same as hers, the only difference being that, rather than escaping from a video game, Mary’s wish is to escape from the “Fabricated World”, a place where she and her fellow artworks live. In both situations, they felt trapped in some way, and wanted to find some form of escape, no matter what sacrifices had to be made. Unfortunately, most of those sacrifices were made (or nearly made) by others, but, as I already stated, their plans failed completely in the end. So now here they are, cursing their fates while holding roses that, in the Fabricated World, represent their hearts. Incidentally, they’re both fake roses, much like their owners.

Another reason I had for drawing this was to show Monika not wearing her friendly, happy-to-help club president facade. In the game, the only way we’re shown her true colors is through her words, both when she reveals her true intentions, and during her angry rant once she has them foiled by the player. I’ve seen a few depictions of her true self in fan art, but I just felt the need to make my own version of it, plus who could resist the urge to have a DDLC character say “join the club”? I know I’m not the first to come up with that idea, but it’s so fitting that just thinking about it puts a huge grin on my face.

(Man, I can’t get enough of that grin.)

Drawing this picture got me to thinking about how many other fictional villains share a similar backstory: for whatever reason, they're completely unsatisfied with the card they’ve been dealt, whether it’s a king’s brother,

an exiled sea witch,

a (literal) jealous monster,

a young boy with a dream of winning a little league championship,

or Satan himself.

(Source)

It’s common for just about anyone to want something that someone else owns, or just to want something different from what they have, but this temptation is what motivates a lot of the bad guys I’ve seen (and often what makes them bad guys in the first place). It’s completely understandable to want something more than what you’ve been offered, but it always helps to count your blessings, so I advise you to keep that in mind lest you end up like one of these “poor, unfortunate souls.”

Another strange thing this picture made me realize is how differently I feel about these two antagonists, despite how similar they are. My dislike of Monika is no secret on this blog, but my attitude toward Mary is so different that I’ve made her the unofficial announcer for this blog...and I’m honestly not sure why that is. It might just be the fact that Mary’s a young girl (at least in terms of maturity) and at least has some excuse for the evil deeds she does -- she might not even know they’re evil, for that matter. In Monika’s case, it was pure, unbridled selfishness (and perhaps some loneliness) that fueled her detestable actions. You’d think a highschooler would know better, but that’s none of my business.

Yet another thing this made me wonder about is whether being a sentient, self-aware fictitious character (like the ones in Wreck-It Ralph, for example) would be better or worse than being a real person. There’d definitely be some advantages -- gaining attention and fans just by being yourself, knowing exactly what your reason for living is, and not having to worry about job security, just to name a few -- but in my opinion, they’d be far outweighed by the disadvantages. You’d have a much smaller world to explore, you’d have the same job your entire life, and you’d never know the thrill of discovering for yourself what your purpose in life is. I don’t know about you, but I think the reality we live in is infinitely more interesting, more enjoyable, and more fulfilling than any game, book, movie, or other fictitious work could ever hope to be. Plus it’s an experience that’s entirely free!

But if there’s anything I hope you’ll take from this drawing, it’s that the reality we live in is something to be appreciated, and if you’re a human being (and not a bot, in which case you’re not welcome here, so please get out), you’ve been given a great gift by being born into this world. There might be some of you who'd tell Mary and Monika, “You don’t know how lucky you are.” But frankly, while our world and reality are far from being perfect, I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to say they’re beautiful beyond measure. Human minds and hands can create some amazing things, but when it comes to creating, no one knows beauty like the ultimate Creator Himself.

So in short, real life is something to be coveted -- not killed for, of course, but something of immeasurable value.

One more thing I'd like to mention is the scene for this drawing -- it’s set in one of the hallways of the Fabricated World, in front of one of Guertena’s paintings.

(Bonus points for anyone who can tell me what its name is.)

Anyways, here are the pictures I used as a reference for Mary:

(Artist Unknown)

For Monika, I used her main menu picture, along with one of her “unhappy” sprites:

As Dorothy Parker once said, “Beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes to the bone.” I don’t know much about her, but she sure knew what she was talking about in that regard. It’s a sad truth, but it makes me all the more glad there’s such a thing as redemption, both in fiction and in reality.

#ib #mary #doki doki literature club #monika #natsuki #the lion king #scar #the little mermaid #ursula #monsters inc #randall #meet the robinsons #pencil art #colored pencil art #not to get too philosophical or anything

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gay-doodlebug-with-adhd916 · 3 years

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super long post about RSD, idk

Y’all....

RSD is seriously so weird because I could be like a full, almost adult seventeen year old who understands why people critique her and everything and wants people to be honest and give her their real opinion about her because she wants to improve as a person, and she’ll still feel like, super sad and have nightmares about the things people have said about her for statements she literally agrees with and understands. Like, the worst thing is when you ask someone to be honest with you because you want to be a better [friend, sibling, lover, so on] and they’ll respond saying something like “no, I’m not going to be honest with you because last time you got offended and I actually bothered you and I’m not going to do that because you can’t handle confrontation” and I’m like, first off, that was my RSD talking and I promise you, I won’t change, like no matter how much I try to improve myself my RSD will be this like, perpetual skin-thinner, and second off, I genuinely don’t want you to worry about how you make me feel. My RSD is not your problem and if you feel bad for “making me” (my RSD making me) feel bad, then I promise you I’ll feel worse.

Yes, I will feel bad if you confront me. I will. That won’t change, I’ll feel bad and take it too much to heart. So what? That’s not your problem, and I’m giving you permission to not feel bad, even if I feel bad, when you confront me. The entire situation would be so much worse if you were to never tell me what things I do that bother you or disrupt my environment or make people feel uncomfortable and I have to figure it out on my own twenty years too late and just decide it’s better for me to like, never interact with human society ever again.

Like, if I say something odd that comes off as passive aggressive and it keeps hanging on to your mind and bothering you? Talk to me about it! I struggle with social skills more than people initially know and a lot of the time when I’m genuinely just trying to be kind to people around me and honest in the way that I feel like the people around me are being nice to each other, I come off as superficial or passive aggressive because I’m trying too hard to be like people around me. But I know for a fact that my idea of being nice to people doesn’t at all come off as nice to anyone around me who’s neurotypical and I’ve learned that in general the best way to function in society and positively interact with it is to do the things that other people do to be nice to each other. And gosh, I really need critiquing. Like, constantly. I don’t need people following social norms for the sake of me, following social norms feels like speaking a foreign language and if someone knows how to speak in something that feels like much more of a lingua franca for people who are ND, they can feel free to speak in that instead when talking to me because it’s already so exhausting as is to try and speak in the NTs language, it’s a whole different ball game when having to interpret it as well.

Will I take things too much to heart? Oh heck yes, you bet your bottom dollar I will. But here’s a secret: I take like literally everything too much to heart! Everything! Someone could talk about how they think that Winnie the Pooh should’ve never been made and I could figure out a way to ingrain that in my brain for literally no reason at all, and my heartrate would literally increase for no reason at all because aw, Eeyore’s already sad and that statement probably made him sadder :(

You know what I mean? My RSD’s got me effed up, like, 98% of the time. I’m probably not actually offended by most things that I am told, but I still might react in a strong, emotional way, completely involuntary, because RSD and emotional dysregulation is quirky like that.

For example, I wrote a rough draft essay for my college English class that I literally know was trash because I ran out of room and felt too anxious to take anything out because what if it messed up the flow of the essay so I literally didn’t even write a conclusion, my grammar was trash, I didn’t bring up all the topics that I mentioned in my thesis, and by the end of the rough draft the message was so muddled and unclear that even I was confused by it when I re-read it. I turned the rough draft in that way because I was like “hey it’s a rough draft, rough drafts are messy, and then we fix them!” and of course, the critique I got back from my professor was very, very long and began by talking relatively about how the only reason I got 100% on my rough draft was because I turned it in on time, and if I turned it in like that for the final assignment my grade would have been a very different story. I knew that. I felt like I was scrolling for an eternity reading all of the critiques that she wrote for my rough draft, and I felt like I could hear her saying them and I could hear the disappointment in her voice. By the end of reading her critique I felt like trash, my face was bright red because I was so embarrassed and my heart rate was up, I felt all squirmy and uncomfortable and like I needed to breathe for quite a little while to process what I was feeling. Does that mean I didn’t want her critique? No! Does that mean I didn’t agree with what she said or didn’t understand that this was a rough draft and it’s important to get all the critique you can get before you revise and edit and turn in the final paper? Not at all! I’ve had teachers in the past who have acted soft on me, not made me fix what I did wrong as much as they made the other students do so, talked softly to me and muddled what they said to the point where I didn’t even understand what their purpose was or what they were trying to tell me, and I absolutely hated that. It made me feel babied. And I appreciated this, even though it made me feel super crappy, because my professor trusted that I would use her critique accordingly and apply it to my paper to do better and hopefully get an okay grade, that regardless of whether or not I dealt with RSD, regardless of whether or not I took her words to heart, I would still use what she said and apply her critique to my paper to improve it and remove some of the issues. I felt like trash reading her critique, I felt my emotions getting out of hand and I felt embarrassed that I felt that way. But I was also able to logically look at the critique and think, “hey, I really needed this, I could really use this”, while I emotionally felt all out of whack. I recognized that I didn’t love that she included some of my writing styles that I use in rough drafts that I learned from my grade 10 English teacher as part of the things that I did wrong in her critique, but I also recognized that she didn’t know that about me yet and I was able change my mindset from “I am angry and sad and feel misunderstood” to “My RSD is causing me to feel angry and sad and misunderstood as a reaction to a logical critique that I need to use for future reference”. And in the process I was able to practice that mindset-changing, and learning to better acknowledge my RSD as something that likes to react on its own and affect me and separate my logical brain’s reactions from that.

So please, be honest with me. I will absolutely feel sad and upset about it. But I need honest people, I need people willing to critique me and not handle me softly just because I react like I can’t handle being handled otherwise. My RSD is, quite frankly, a b*tch, and it always will be. I’m embarrassed to have it and I’m embarrassed by the way it makes me emotionally react to things. I hate how it makes me get a shaky, crying-sounding voice when I thank you for being honest with me and telling me how you truly feel. No, you didn’t make a bad choice by deciding to be honest with me, you trusted me with your confrontation and I am eternally grateful for that. Now I can apply myself a little bit better than before. My RSD will make you think that I didn’t appreciate your confrontation and that I was seriously offended, and maybe my feelings were hurt, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate what you did. My RSD is a constant battle that I have to deal with alone, and the crap I do that bothers people should not be something that anyone else has to deal with alone. Please tell me how to better myself, and I will better myself.

#rsd sucks #that's not your problem #please be honest #please also know that #I very much do struggle with rsd #so sometimes I react in a strong way #but that's my problem #I want to be better #but I can't without your confrontation #also I'm sorry this is long #I'm using this #to help me cope with my english paper lol #it kinda worked lowkey #so yay #adhd squad where you at #let's learn to handle things together

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a-travels · 4 years

Photo

taken: 22 dec, 2019 AMC 34th Street 14, Manhattan, NY

this is where the fun begins

Yes, I’m going to do a review of the new Star Wars movie.

Personally, I hate reading a review and reading endless fluff to hear their thoughts on a movie. So upfront, I did not like this movie at all, perhaps not entirely evidenced by the jubilant nature of this picture, but my views, nonetheless. If you want to stop reading, then by all means please do. This is unsurprisingly my longest post to date, and probably will be for some time so I don’t blame you if you don’t want to read through the text equivalent of a grown man crying.

I don’t know if I represent the classic Star Wars fan or not, but I think it makes more sense to hear my review with some context of my relationship with this franchise.

Perhaps contrary to popular belief, I did not grow up a Star Wars kid. I was certainly aware of the franchise and knew the famous aspects of it. I knew about Darth Vader and lightsabers, I knew about the “I am your father” moment and the Force. I saw Episode III in theatres in 2005 and remember the Anakin and Obi-wan fight, but was asleep for most of the movie. Since then I had somehow seen all of the 6 movies and knew the basic story of the movies, but never had any deep interest in the lore like I do now. My story with Star Wars began in high school, watching the Clone Wars television show. I won’t bore you with how much I loved that show, but it really exposed me to the vastness of the galaxy, the deep emotional storytelling that Star Wars really built its core fanbase on. I found myself connecting to the characters and really encouraged the inner fanboy to latch on to every minuscule detail of the lore and finding the connections to the movies. Needless to say, it was what really awakened (no pun intended) my passion for this franchise and really recontextualized the prequels and original trilogy for me in a new and exciting way. I think it all culminated in this perfect storm before 2015 before The Force Awakens (TFA) came out in 2015 and with general fan fervor at an all-time high. It was a good time to be a Star Wars fan.

Episode VII hits and fans are generally happy. It wasn’t perfect mind you, it felt like a retread, some iffy story points, but overall very satisfying and for many a return to “feeling like Star Wars”, which for many was distinctly absent from the prequels because it was so different. Rogue One was also positively received as well in 2016. I happen to like both of these movies as well.

And then 2017 hits with Episode VIII, The Last Jedi.

I won’t ramble too much about this movie, because I know this is something that divides a lot of people. I think most people in my sphere did actually enjoy this movie. It’s not a perfect movie, and I think everyone (including supporters like myself) would admit that. But for me, this movie recaptured that spark of surprise and wonder that really made me fall in love with this franchise to begin with. By all means, this is an unconventional Star Wars movie: the original hero (Luke) is a jaded cynical man, the whole B-plot is the world's slowest chase sequence, and plot-wise, very little actually happens. I think where this movie really sings was in its attempt to really focus on character and bring something new to Star Wars. It asked questions about the power structure of Star Wars, namely the force, and had you question its workings, matching the cynicism of Luke, but in turn making your conviction in it that much stronger, just like what happened with Luke and when he comes back and has that incredible Kurosawa-esque fight with Kylo on Crait. I think a lot of people who think of this franchise, fans especially, have such a fixed idea of what this movie and franchise should be, that anything that seems to deviate or challenge that can seem honestly jarring in some ways. It’s why the Holiday Special is reviled because coming right off the original movie, people didn’t still have that sense of what made Star Wars, Star Wars; but when people saw it, they knew that wasn’t it. It’s why people hated the prequels (at first) because rather than seeing a hero’s journey, good versus evil and more, you got clunky dialogue, droll politics, seemingly-idiotic and childish characters, and wooden acting. For all the wrong the prequels did, and the criticism it (rightfully) deserved, the prequels had a story to tell and told us something new (albeit in a largely ham-fisted way). Keep the prequels in mind because I’ll be touching back on it.

I’m going to be upfront, I’m writing this bit now almost two months after I started this post and saw the movie. All the stuff above this was from then, but I’ve really just taken a break to just let my thoughts congeal more on this movie because I was just in a bit of shock coming out of it. To be honest, I still can’t tell you my thoughts on this movie are fully formed, but I do think I’m finally ready to express my thoughts on this movie in some sort of coherent manner.

If it isn’t obvious, my review is obviously going to be colored by my view of this franchise. You are entitled to your own view on this franchise and view on this movie. Also, I have tried to link the deeper lore information with articles in this review. The links are the underlined words so feel free to check them out. Anyways, here we go.

So, I didn’t like the movie then; but having thought about now for two months, this film just makes me angrier and sadder with every passing thought. For me, this movie is not only a betrayal of the past two movies which I enjoyed but honestly a betrayal of the whole franchise which I love so much. There was an excellent video I just watched and I think it accurately sums up my views on this movie quite well. But this movie for me can be summed up in four words: unearned, unsatisfying, wasted potential. I think it makes the most sense to unpack this movie with those four words because, to be honest, I could go on for hours on this movie, and I think any of you who know me, know I could, but still probably will.

Unearned.

This movie touts itself as an ending, holding all the answers to the questions we started off with from VII, and arguably, from I-VI. I was nervous when it was announced that the king of the mystery box, the notorious reviver and rebooter of franchises, J.J. Abrams, was tasked to not only write an ending but answer all these questions, many of which he set up. Seeing the ire he caused in the Star Trek community after Star Trek: Into Darkness, I can’t say I was all too shocked to see that these answers (among the few we actually got) unfolded in ways that made little to no sense with the story we were set up with.

Let’s start off with the big one, (oh yeah also this post is going to be spoilerific. I’d say don’t read if you haven’t seen it, but frankly I don’t care if you just read this, don’t see it and just save yourself the time) Rey Palpatine, or Rey Skywalker?? Yeah, I have problems with both in massive, massive ways. But let’s tackle these one by one. Rey is our hero of this trilogy, a character we are introduced to, who we are told and who herself thinks is nobody, is whisked away on this journey on a story much bigger than her. Nothing new here, this is just Luke as a girl so far. Episode VII goes out of its way to seed us with this one big question: who is Rey? Our extensive Wookiepedia-esque knowledge of Star Wars dictates to us that, based on precedent, if she is the main character, she has to be someone we know. Anakin was our prequel protagonist and was related to Luke, maybe she’s related to Luke? That was what we wanted to know going out of VII and into VIII. So what do we see in Episode VIII? Rey struggles with trying to figure out who she is, “trying to find her place” and even dabbles with the dark side of the force in her “limited” training to try to uncover who she is. And what was the answer: she’s no one. A shock to the system. Impossible! How can this be? A protagonist this powerful is a nobody? She’s too overpowered! No force user with that little training could be that strong. But is it really that shocking? The Skywalkers started off as a family of nobodies. Shmi was a slave. Anakin was a child without a father, albeit with some freaky immaculate conception circumstances, but in all other senses, unremarkable and inconspicuous. The same could be said about Rey. And honestly, was it really all that surprising? The trailer we saw at Star Wars Celebration 2015 literally starts off with Maz asking Rey “Who are you?” and her replying “I’m no one.” I know a bunch of people were not so happy with Rey already being so force-sensitive and powerful, essentially being a “Mary Sue” character despite having no important lineage or bloodline. But to me, the democratization of the force was something that really intrigued me and seemed to set the stage for a new era of Star Wars, maybe with a new set of movies based on Rey’s lineage, the Rey Saga or something. This was an idea we saw with broom boy at the end of VIII, which fits with what we already know about the galaxy, that everyone is born with the force but some kids are force-sensitive, and that he could be among the next generation of “Jedi” or force users. And then IX comes and tells us, nope it was just Palpatine’s granddaughter. Where was that evidence (and do not point me to that fan theory video where some guy on YouTube who says that)? Where in any of the prior movies did we get any remote inkling of Rey’s connection at all to Palpatine? Hell, where was the hint that Palpatine was remotely involved with any of the scheming going on in VII and VIII? Even in the prequels, we got hints that Anakin would turn to evil (fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering). Well I can tell you having scrutinized those prior two films myself, there was never any seeds of Palpatine’s presence. It was something just brought in because “OOO a name I recognize of a powerful force user.” How that happened, what that means for the story beats of her being no one in those other two movies, “Eh, just don’t worry about those, this is how it is”. Unearned. And oh boy, Rey Skywalker. Let’s talk about this in the context of Episode IX logic, apart from the logic I already presented, that the prior movies very clearly seem to imply Rey is a nobody. Episode IX is a movie about Rey ultimately discovering who she is, and how when she finds out her lineage, how she eschews her “nature” and stands for good and righteousness in the galaxy because she isn’t defined by a name or bloodline. Even beyond that, we’re told she’s nobody because her parents “chose to be nobodies” and didn’t want to be defined by the name of the reviled megalomaniac of the galaxy. Great! So, wouldn’t it be interesting to see our character find strength in herself and set aside the dumb importance of name and legacy (letting the past die 😉) and honor her parents by choosing to be nobody herself? She buries Luke’s and Leia’s lightsabers on Tatooine (a planet that Luke hated by the way and Leia was on for maybe a few hours or days as a slave to a fat, gross, giant slug in a metal bikini and has no attachment to, a planet with no significance to Rey either) and is somehow asked randomly by this traveler “who are you”, who isn’t satisfied when she gives her name as “Rey”. Forgive me for being nit-picky here, but how weird is it to force a conversation to ask someone their last name randomly, especially when there are TONS of creatures in the galaxy with one-name names. Somehow, a vision of Luke and Leia is enough to convince her she is now a Skywalker, because....force ghosts, Tatooine, Twin Suns, Binary Sunset music, nostalgia-porn. Where in the hell does it make any sense that she adopts the name of Skywalker? How? Because it doesn’t make sense, because it is unearned. Nothing about her “choosing” to be a Skywalker jives with the internal logic this movie sets out, much less the logical flow of the prior eight movies as a whole.

What about Reylo. Oh boy. This is something I know a select few of my friends actually liked. Yes, I concede there was some sexual tension between Rey and Kylo in Episode VIII, but I do not think they were setting them up to be a thing. Kylo is a character who murdered his own father in cold blood, and then murdered his own master (Snoke). This entire time, we are led to believe Snoke is manipulating Kylo and his conflict isn’t given room to settle because its forced one way over the other. Now, Snoke is dead and Kylo is relinquished of this external force telling him what to do, and he still chose to be evil and rule the galaxy, despite Rey’s pleas to join her on the light. Any and all hope to redeem him in my eyes, vanished in that moment. Yes, Anakin fell to the dark side and did some terrible things, but he never was irredeemable because there was someone above him pulling the strings and orchestrating it all. This is a key story structure that makes us as an audience believe that is because of how our villains were set up. In these movies, you have your big bad villain, and then your sub-villain. The sub-villain is usually redeemable but is often dispensable, while the big bad villain is simply the embodiment of evil and can only be destroyed, not redeemed. The sub-villain is sympathetic because you get the sense they are being manipulated or played like a puppet, always leaving room to be redeemed or free themselves, if they can be free of those shackles. That is the nature of the relationship between Palpatine and Darth Vader, and that was the nature of the relationship between Snoke and Kylo Ren. The difference now is Kylo kills Snoke in VIII instead of IX and has now an entire other movie to live with the consequences. He is free of those shackles, and yet he still chooses to be evil. Rey’s connection through “force-time” was her connection to Kylo and her attempt to turn him. She literally leaves her training with Luke because she believes that, only to find Kylo betray her faith in him. Rey acknowledges he cannot be saved, and literally closes the door on Kylo, accepting he is now fully gone. Tell me, how does closing the literal and metaphorical door on someone who has murdered his own father, killed hundreds of innocent people, was given the full free choice to be good and choose evil, lead to love? Because it’s unearned. And frankly, their interactions in Episode IX doesn’t really do much to change that either. Kylo Ren is still moody and literally acts as a constant source of opposition to Rey, with little to actually show their relationship is romantic in any way. Oh yeah, but somehow getting stabbed by a girl and getting healed from almost dying really is such a turn on. I’m sorry, but it’s just unearned. (Hello from even further in the future, I am now writing this in April with updates to this bit. The novelization of Episode IX revealed that their kiss wasn’t romantic, in fact. They gave us this: “His [Kylo’s] heart was full as Rey reached for his face, let her fingers linger against his cheek. And then, wonder of wonders, she leaned forward and kissed him. A kiss of gratitude, acknowledgement of their connection, celebration that they’d found each other at last.” I don’t know what the hell is going on in Lucasfilm, but this is much, MUCH worse. Just a few months back, J.J. said their relationship was a “brother-sister” thing in a romantic way but not really. Can we go back to a half-baked romance again, please? Also, they revealed that Rey’s dad is failed clone of Palpatine.).

Now, let’s talk about Palpatine himself. “The dead speak” “Somehow, Palpatine has returned.” Yeah so this is the big, big leap this movie asks you to take right from the get-go. I understood a lot of the trepidation around bringing back Palps back, mostly surrounding the fear that his return invalidates the sacrifice Anakin/Vader make at the end of Episode VI, bringing balance to the force, mortally electrocuting himself in the process saving his son out of love. I understood the concern, but I had enjoyed the first two films in the sequel and I’m always willing to give a movie a shot in the theater. As long as they explained his return in a satisfying manner, I’d be in. Once the lights dim, the Star Wars logo pops up and you hear John Williams triumphant score, regardless of the drama and bad press, everyone always starts with a clean slate. And then, of course, we get no explanation as to why he’s back beyond a cheeky quip from the prequels “The dark side of the force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.” Har har, +100 nostalgia, much memes.

Yeah it just boggles my mind that the head villain, that for six movies our protagonists tried to defeat and who we thought was defeated (and who even the actor, Ian McDiarmid thought was dead), somehow came back to life. He was thrown down an energy shaft, and vaporized. Then the space station in which he was thrown down is subsequently destroyed and atomized, and somehow, we’re told he comes back to life. Perhaps the casual audience wouldn’t remember or notice or care, but beyond the fans, and anyone following a story deserves a little bit more than just a little tease with no actual explanation. For the record, yes, they did explain how Palpatine was saved, but in the visual dictionary, with his body retrieved by Sith Acolytes, brought to Exogol, and revived using “technology and the occult”. Say what you will, but that is not satisfying to me and still begs a better explanation for his return and undercut Kylo’s character progression, invalidating his choice to be bad without being beholden to anyone. Kylo was not going to be redeemed, and then Disney gave him a get-out-of-jail-free-card by putting him under the shadow of “the real villain” so that his redemption “made sense”. Except, it made no sense to randomly introduce a more powerful villain. It was narrative cheating and it was unearned to see Palpatine back, and eventually, Kylo/Ben redeemed because of it. It just is not good enough. I think more heinous for me, is that this move inarguably undoes the work of the past 6 movies. In the effort to create this breathing piece of nostalgia and love for George Lucas and the past 42 years of storytelling, it ends up betraying it in perhaps one of the most scathing ways imaginable, unintentional or not.

(Hi, another update from two-month-future me. The novelization for this movie now revealed that Palpatine’s “essence” is what is alive and is now being transferred into clone bodies, of sorts. Here is the quote: “So the falling, dying Emperor called on all the dark power of the Force to thrust his consciousness far, far away, to a secret place he had been preparing. His body was dead, an empty vessel, long before it hit the bottom of the shaft, and his mind jolted to new awareness in a new body—a painful one, a temporary one.” Yeah, this novelization really isn’t making things better.)

Unsatisfying.

Admittedly, this is a very subjective metric (though I guess so are the other two descriptors), but satisfaction is a unique experience for each person, more than the other two descriptors. I think one of the worst things a movie can do is be boring, where there is no excitement or energizing quality to a story that there it can’t illicit any emotion out of you. What I think is worse potentially, and what I think is the cardinal sin of this movie, isn’t just the fact this movie was bad, but how it is so far beyond a failure that it has retroactively affected how I view the prior movies now and has diminished their impact on me.

Let’s first talk about its failings as a movie itself. I think when discussing this movie, and this new era of Star Wars, it’s hard not to separate the shift in direction from its new relationship with its new owner, Disney. It’s actually shocking to see how Disney has overall mismanaged this franchise and created such a rift amongst the fandom from the five or so movies it has released over the past four years. This movie more than any other, even more than VII, feels uniquely like a product of corporate intervention and directing, rather than the voice and vision of an auteur. What is now known, is that Disney fired the original director of this movie and scrapped his plans for (in my mind) a far more interesting movie that took the characters and story in brand new directions, paying homage to the past without relying on it, but utilizing it in an effective manner to further the story and plot in a meaningful way. And yes, it importantly kept Rey a “nobody” and it kept Kylo Ren bad and unredeemed, and did not have them kiss. If you want to read more about this, I recommend searching for “Colin Trevorrow Dual of the Fates Script” and you’re bound to find it. I also have the full pdf script of it and would be happy to share it if you would like. I encourage you to read it if you’re interested and form your own opinions on it.

Speaking more to this movie, it objectively had three major goals: wrap up its own three-movie trilogy, wrap up the entire 42-year, nine-film saga, and of course function as its own movie. That is not an easy job by any stretch, and I think any filmmaker would have an incredibly challenging time accomplishing those three tasks, while under the scrutiny of a giant corporation and a rabid fanbase. Except, that is almost exactly the same position George Lucas was in when making his prequel films. Again, I’ll get back to that point in a little bit. I think there could be an argument of cutting this film some slack if it accomplished some of these goals. Maybe this movie didn’t end all nine movies nicely, but at least it worked in its own trilogy? Maybe this movie didn’t end either the trilogy or saga so well, but at least it was a fun movie itself? Somehow, J.J. Abrams and Disney succeeded in fulfilling none of these tasks in my mind.

Like I mentioned, the Force Awakens is far from a perfect movie, but it too came in with a very similar set of goals, especially being Disney’s first Star Wars movie, those being:

1. Establish a new story that connects with the prior six films 2. Set up the foundation for a new trilogy that will last the next 4-5 year 3. Reinvigorate the Star Wars fandom and get them excited about the new era of Star Wars entertainment on the way 4. Work as its own movie.

I think in some ways, these challenges were harder than what Episode IX faced and yet in a lot of ways, it still succeeded in many, if not all of these respects. I think the major failing of Episode VII is its reliance and, often, copying of past story points without much of the finesse in “making it rhyme like poetry” which George Lucas loved to do so much. Episode VII really did reinvigorate the franchise, did introduce us to great cast and characters that left us wanting more from a trilogy, did connect in some satisfying (though sometimes a bit on the nose) ways, and did leave us feeling excited, hopeful and energized with Star Wars. Episode VIII came in and was arguably a lot more disruptive, asking us to challenge what we knew and what we thought we wanted to know and instead posed more basic fundamental questions about the foundations of this story, which I think was an important introspective moment for the saga and this trilogy as the penultimate chapter of both. It had us question the nature of the force, the importance of this “Skywalker” lineage, and the nature of Jedi in this universe where Luke truly is the only one left. It had us question our own conceptions of Luke as a swashbuckling do-no-wrong hero and showed us a more cynical, perhaps jarring, but a realistic Luke that blames himself and his belief in this ancient religion for unleashing Kylo Ren and a new era of darkness upon the galaxy. We also saw how Luke was struggling with how he was roped into this way of life from this old hermit he met for a day or two and then left to navigate reviving the religion of the Jedi on his own. We were also asked to question the nature of the force and whether this sort of power was isolated to a few people and families, or is truly something anyone can have? Again, whether fans agree or not with these story choices or not, The Last Jedi still functions as its own story and does (in my opinion) meaningfully connect to the prior story. Whether fans believe that meaning was eschewing the fabric of Star Wars or whether they believe these challenges strengthened the mythology (like I do), it was still meaningful in that it does draw upon the story from the last movie directly and progress it in some manner (whether a positive manner or not, I’ll let you decide). And regardless of how you like VIII or not, the movie left the door wide open for any kind of story to be told. Our heroes are starting from zero, the villain is now trying to learn the ropes. There is no real cliffhanger of sorts but rather an invitation for total freedom to tell the next story and wrap up this trilogy and saga.

Episode IX unfortunately comes across as one of the laziest ways imaginable to end this nine-story arc. In serving as the final movie of the saga, this movie seemed obsessed with callbacks, and nostalgia plays to remind us of the world we’re in and the “story” we’re watching, rather than relying on the story, character and narrative. I think to a fault, it incorporated elements of past movies, just to say it had it, and in many ways cheapened the overall character or object or story point. I think the biggest example again, is bringing the emperor back, which makes such little sense in the context of what we were presented in the prior two films because it wasn’t ever hinted or ever part of the plan to include him in the first place. The emperor was simply added because of the “nostalgia”. Using the remains of the Death Star on Kef Bir was super cool imagery, but didn’t we already literally see the Death Star completely disintegrated? Na, it’s ok, a huge chunk of the important bit just happened to land here fully intact for our heroes to find. There are many more callbacks in this movie, but almost every one of them, I’m left asking myself: “Why?” “Why did this callback have to be here?” “Could something else achieve the same effect?” Why did Maz give Chewie a Battle of Yavin medal? Why did we go back to Tatooine at the end? More often than not, none of those callbacks had to be there other than to try and excite fans, except doing so in the laziest manner by ultimately pandering. Callbacks are not a bad thing, mind you. Star Wars has been secretly calling back and seeding things in the background for ages, hinting and suggesting to us the vastness of this galaxy in terms of creatures and places. A recent example that comes to mind is Avengers: Endgame, and how it uses callbacks masterfully, calling back not just items and places, but character and relationships. It all works there because everything serves its purpose to drive that story forward in a manner that doesn’t feel cheap but feels necessary and important and something that wouldn’t work otherwise. This movie tried to be like Endgame in that regard but just failed to capitalize effectively on nostalgia and characters in the same way in way to emotionally resonate, but rather elicit a cheap, ephemeral reaction. This was a movie that lived from moment to moment of attempting excitement, but ultimately never establishes a through line for me to care about it as a cohesive piece of a nine-chapter story.

(For the record, I am writing the rest of what is below in April, like those other parenthetical notes above.)

Beyond just my frustration with callbacks, I ultimately ask myself, “What is the drive of this trilogy? What was it trying to accomplish?” The whole premise of this movie is Palpatine is back and they need to stop him from taking over the galaxy. I’m definitely beating a dead horse, but how does that adequately connect to the goals of Snoke/Kylo from the last two movies? How do our character’s stories culminate and end in this movie, in the context of the prior two films? I’ve already talked a bit about Rey’s story making little sense, but my god did they squander Finn’s character. If you look at the “new” characters from this trilogy, Poe was our Han Solo-eque type, Rey obviously our Luke type, but Finn was someone totally new. The idea of a disillusioned Stormtrooper seemed inspired, a totally different perspective in these Star Wars, a regular grunt who didn’t like the side they were fighting on in this war. For all my love of Episode VIII, that movie did not do much for Finn’s story. In the three years since VIII released, I have increasingly appreciated Finn’s journey in VIII, starting as someone who only cared about himself and Rey, to caring about the overall cause of the resistance. It was intriguing, albeit not executed in the best manner. But I think back to IX and struggle to see what the whole point of his arc was. He was a key fighter, who becomes a leader, and finds a whole group of defected Stormtroopers, but we never explore it. And all the while, he has this “burning secret” he needs to tell Rey and never does, which we find out from press junkets is that he’s supposedly force sensitive. It’s just an absolute mess. Even Poe’s arc seems to revert this movie in some regards, where VIII was all about him learning to not be so trigger-happy and actually thinking through things like a leader, IX is the same story beat about him becoming a leader in the eventual shadow of Leia. The only character who’s arc makes some sense (apart from the nonsensical Reylo kiss), was Kylo Ren, because he seems like the only character JJ Abrams and Rian Johnson somewhat agreed on. It’s why undoubtedly the best scene in this movie was his vision of Han Solo, as a revisit of the original confrontation on Starkiller base where Han died. Even then though, look deeper and you realize Kylo’s arc is also filled with contradictions.

Perhaps my view is a bit too colored by my view of Episode VIII, but in terms of following the narrative, Kylo was someone who was tired of being beholden to the past and killed Snoke in part as a refutation of the traditional power structure that had held the galaxy. At the end of VIII, he literally tells Luke “I’ll destroy her, and you, and all of it”, being Rey, Luke and all the remnants of this old way of life. Again, whether or not you like that story in VIII, as a storyteller, J.J.’s and Chris Terrio’s jobs were to continue the story in a manner such that there was consistency to the through lines. On the face of it, Kylo’s actions make some sense, again because I think there was some general agreement on him. Think deeper and you realize this is someone who refuted his past, his “destiny” and decided to choose his own path, only to inexplicably come back to his past again. If he wanted to come back to his past, that should have been seeded in VIII, where the conflict still existed. Rey felt this conflict and that’s why she went to try and redeem Kylo. But, once she is with him in the throne room, Snoke articulates how he now senses Kylo’s resolve where there was once conflict. Kylo made his choice, and we bring back up again the idea that he’s conflicted simply because Disney wanted Kylo to be redeemed. It’s lazy and its narrative cheating.

I will say, I know some Episode VIII supporters were unhappy with Luke’s portrayal in this movie and were quick to jump and say how J.J. “undid” Rian’s take on Luke. Luke is actually someone else who’s character stays consistent with his arc from VIII to IX, where he learns to believe in the Force and the light side again and learns to accept his role as a Jedi. Looking beyond characters though, the trilogy set up various story points which we were hoping to get some kind of payoff for. Much like the movie, I’m not really going to delve into them too much other than just list them. Who are the Knights of Ren (idk, but they all died at the hand of their supposed leader)? Who was Snoke (just a test tube deformed clone I guess)? How did Maz get Luke’s lightsaber (“a good story for another time” 😒)? How did Snoke seduce Kylo and undo the work of the prequels and original trilogy (eh, look for it in a comic I guess)? How did the First Order come about and rise to power (¯\_(ツ)_/¯)? What did the galaxy look like once the rebels won and could bring democracy back to the galaxy (watch The Mandalorian, only on Disney+)? The only real question this movie was interested in answering for the trilogy was Rey’s identity, and really that’s it. And even then, we kind of already got an answer about that from the past two movies: Rey was “nobody”.

Listen, a movie can suck in terms of connecting to prior movies, connecting to a full nine movie story, but hey if it’s a good adventure of its own then maybe there’s something redeemable about it. Unfortunately, this movie fundamentally fails to even service its own story properly. Any movie, no matter how good, needs to be self-contained and its own story in order to be effective. A storyteller cannot rely on a moviegoer to have seen eight other movies, read comics, books, etc. to know what’s going on. For all the praise I’ll give Avengers: Infinity War and Endgame, my one strike against them is that the emotional resonance and impact of these movies only hits fully when you’ve followed all prior 21-22 movies, like me. It relies heavily on intertextuality of prior movies, though not like Episode IX as a cheat to explain things. And even if you haven’t watched every movie, you can make some sense of what’s going on and get some of the impact, it just won’t hit the same way. It’s near impossible to balance that inclusivity with referential storytelling, but Avengers just about gets away with it because each story still does work on its own. While the Avengers movies are enhanced with more background knowledge, they did still give you every relevant piece of information you needed to follow the story. Episode IX on the other hand, uses narrative cheats to hope you’ll buy into their story and go with it. Obviously, the big one cheat here is not explaining Palpatine’s return. Again, a villain who was thought to be dead and is crucial to the overall story should have his return be properly explained. They did it in Kingsman with Harry’s character, they did it in Avengers: Endgame with Gamora and Thanos, they even do it with Superman in the dumpster fire that is Justice League. When you leave something like that unresolved, it just leaves a giant asterisk above the whole movie, leaving you questioning the nature of it all, asking why it’s even happening, rather than being able to go on the ride. You know, even if the movie told us that “technology and the occult” story beat, or even showed it to us as a prologue to the movie, I would have been able to buy into this premise of this movie more and not just be left asking why or how the whole time. Again, I recognize that those questions may be more personal and not apply to everyone, but I think the criticism of a movie being its own story and explaining itself still holds. Beyond that, the movie just never has any time to breathe and appreciate its own emotions. With a majority of a movie seeming like a video game fetch-quest (that is just getting one item to get another item, repeatedly), the characters aren’t given the room to grow and are simply at the mercy of the next macguffin to find.

One of the fundamental ideas of storytelling is the idea of a passive protagonist versus an active protagonist. The latter is a character that drives the nature of the story through their actions, whereas the former is driven by the flow of the story. Neither is necessarily better than the other and can be employed to excellent effect in both regards. Perhaps one of the best examples of passive protagonist is Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski in The Big Lebowski, a guy who just has consistently poor luck surrounded by moronic friends and people trying to take advantage of him, and really speaks to the kind of character The Dude really is. In an action or drama movie or a movie with a strong lead character, you generally want a balance of plot happening with the lead character forced to make consequential choices that add tension and weight to the story. Star Wars is a franchise driven by strong characters with their backs consistently against the wall and forced to make tough choices. It’s what drives the tension as Han Solo tries to escape Vader’s Star Destroyer by going through the asteroid field in Episode V, or compels Luke to leave with Ben Kenobi to go to Alderaan in Episode IV, or how makes Rey decide to leave her training with Luke to try and save Kylo in Episode VIII. This element of choice in a movie also works crucially to tell us about a character and their motivations. Han chooses to go through the asteroid field, an almost suicidal endeavor (the odds being 3,720 to 1), telling us how this is a man acting with a mix of desperation and bravado, perhaps overconfident in his abilities while also secretly trying to impress Princess Leia who he clearly likes. Rey goes back to Kylo out of a naïve sense of optimism and hope in other people and hasn’t had the experience Luke has, chiding his cynicism. This movie doesn’t give room for a character to decide much of anything. Rather there is a problem and somehow only one solution to the story. The whole goal of the characters this movie is seemingly to find this Sith wayfinder, to reach the Emperor and destroy his Final Order fleet. Conveniently, there happens to be one last clue of where to look, that leads to one thing, that takes them to a place, that leads to another place, where something just happens to work out and then the final battle takes place. If you’ve seen this movie, then you know I’ve just pretty much exactly described the order of events in this movie. There is no room for a character’s choice to dictate the flow of events here, there is no crossroads of destiny for someone to face. Ultimately, there is no tension and no stakes, because you’re left feeling like the heroes will just find the next clue to the next place or someone will tell them. It’s happened X number of times before, so why not have it happen again. It not only comes across as lazy but ends up hurting our characters’ progressions in the process.

I’ve also already talked about how the within-movie logic just seems to crumble on itself. This movie only seemed to be headed towards tackling the renunciation of bloodlines and the internal conflict between inherent nature and free will. Instead of seeing those story beats through, the story decides to instead shift away from that flow and gives us something we don’t expect but dripping with nostalgia. Obviously, the Rey story spring directly to mind, but even Kylo’s story does the same thing, like we talked about. So, I won’t go much further into all that again, but yeah. It’s pretty baffling how for me this movie just systematically failed on every level.

Wasted Potential

When I drafted out this review, I had put my main points for each of these three descriptors for this movie. I guess in the course of my weak-sauce furor and passion, I inadvertently covered most of my points on this part in prior parts. I was going to talk here about Finn’s story arc being totally wasted and also the whole idea of Rey being nobody, wasted. The former I think I spoke to a sufficient amount and the latter I’ve practically beaten to death by this point in this seemingly never-ending review. All I’ll say on these two matters is that there was the potential to tell a very unique story about finding your identity alone from two unique perspectives. For Finn, it was someone who thought he was alone, but finding that he was one of many and found validation and strength in others, where he initially was fearful of others except for Rey. And on the flip side, Rey’s story could have presented the idea of accepting who you are, even if you are a “nobody”, anyone can become someone. In this case, Rey could have become her own person, a new hero to which the galaxy looked up to or someone totally different.

Yeah, it’s really no wonder this is my longest post to date, but frankly I don’t imagine any of the five of you reading this are all too surprised. So, I’ll just touch a bit on the last point I wanted to talk about which had a lot of potential.

When George Lucas started this crazy Star Wars project back in the 70’s, he was a scrappy, young filmmaker really trying to push the boundaries and do something new with film on a shoestring budget. Doing something new was always at the forefront of George Lucas’s goal with every Star Wars film, through the prequels. I had mentioned back in the beginning of this mess how the prequels, for all the bold steps it tried to take, ended up making a lot of missteps as well. In a way, Lucas is in a similar position as Disney right now, begged by fans to make something new, and immediately angering fans with what they tried to do. Where I think Disney’s vision and Lucas’s vision differ is that one, Lucas had a clear vision and plan for his movies while Disney did not, but two, I think history will and already is looking back at Lucas’s films more favorably than we will on Disney’s trilogy. I think for all the missteps that the prequels made, a lot of the kids that grew up with those movies now champion it in the way Lucas intended them to. He was unapologetic in his approach to Star Wars being a space soap opera for children, teaching them good from evil through a basic hero’s journey. Disney for all its guts with the Marvel movies, trying new genres and championing new stories and heroes was playing it ridiculously safe with Star Wars. Very clearly, Disney’s goal was to make movies for fans and not necessarily children like Lucas did. So their primary focus to please fans was making movies that skewed perhaps a bit more mature, but “felt like Star Wars”. Once they re-established that “feel” with The Force Awakens and re-energized the fan base, they inarguably ended up losing a lot of that goodwill taking creative chances with Episode VIII. So rather than hold true to their Marvel formula of trusting the filmmaker and story, it seems that Disney caved and wanted to keep “pleasing fans” instead. A choice like that isn’t necessarily a wrong one, ultimately these movies are costly projects and they need to be made in a way that can generate the money back and actually make money. Where I think Disney was artistically and creatively bankrupt was relying on and weaponizing fan service and nostalgia to try and win back good will. And for what it’s worth, a lot of people did like Episode IX, because a lot of them said it “felt like Star Wars again.”

I mentioned that idea also in the beginning, “feeling like Star Wars”. To be honest, I thought I knew that feeling, but I honestly don’t know if I do anymore. In the past five years of Disney’s reign over this franchise, it seems to have evolved into something else entirely, something designed simply to please fans and focus on its past more than explore a lot of new ideas and themes. Arguably, Star Wars television has taken the biggest steps in that direction and that’s where my interest also seems to have shifted as well. And even then, our “new shows” are just fresh coats of paint on old ideas and concepts. The Mandalorian, for how much I loved the first season, is comprised of proxies of characters we as fans knew and associated with. Mando is the same as Boba Fett, IG-88 is the same as IG-11, we have the Empire (Werner Herzog and Giancarlo Esposito’s characters), and we have a force user in Baby Yoda. Even the return of Clone Wars these past weeks (which I am not complaining about), seems more of a reaction to give fans what they want rather than an idea borne out of creative inspiration or guts. And for however happy I am to see Clone Wars back and see its actual finale, I think a lot of fans and I had made peace with the way it ended with season 6, unresolved though it may have been. It’s not necessarily something new but revisiting something we know. The sequels were just a roundabout way to revisit the characters we knew and loved, just older. Rogue One was arguably a new angle on a story we already knew from the opening crawl of Episode IV. Solo was a backstory really no one wanted on a character we already understood fairly well. Maybe that’s what Star Wars has just become now. That “feeling” may now just be that simply be the sense Disney tries to evoke by drawing on nostalgia and old themes and ideas and characters and bits and bobs, and that’s really saddening to me.

Lucas’s idea was always to tell a new story, something different and unexplored. He follows the philosophy that Nintendo does when making a new game in a series like Mario or Zelda, or Pixar when making a new film: if there isn’t something new (a game mechanic, a story idea, a new film-making technique), then what’s the point in making it. George was obviously interested in telling his story, but in a way that pushed the limit of what was possible and sparking a sense of amusement and awe in what we watch. By this point, audiences have become accustomed to the level of photorealistic computer graphics employed in major blockbuster movies. It’s not hard to imagine anymore and is generally easy to discern. Lucas was interested in doing something no one else could do or conceive of, and in turn audiences wouldn’t be able to believe was possible. It’s why he founded Industrial Light and Magic, the premiere VFX company in the world today, to realize his lofty goals of space wizards and impossible spaceships and laser swords. It’s why he made Skywalker Sound, the masters of sound mixing and editing, to construct this sonic tapestry to define this universe. It’s why he helped spin-off Pixar in the 90’s with Steve Jobs, albeit not related to Star Wars but still exemplifying Lucas’s ultimate drive for doing new things. That Star Wars feeling isn’t just sense of excitement from the clashing of a lightsaber or the recurrence of a familiar face, but the investment in a character’s backstory, the sense of wonderment of seeing something pure and unadulterated from someone’s wildest imagination. It’s the music, it’s the atmosphere and background characters. It’s why a lot of fans were averse to some of the choices Lucas made in the prequels, doing away with a lot of the practical sets that were common in the original trilogy. In Lucas trying to realize his vision for this bustling galaxy and universe with increasingly complex elements and ideas, it ultimately became easier to just add it in post than build it, but in turn sacrificed the grittiness and rough-worn down of the galaxy we were exploring.

Before I’m accused of being a prequel shill, I will simply say that I don’t love all the prequels. I think Episode I is charming, II and III are messes for sure. But I think in all of the failures of execution, Lucas really did try to do something original and new with this story. You can fault a story for maybe not resonating or working, yes, but for trying, no. These were movies that were not trying to be “Star Wars”, but something new that was in that same universe, and I think fans rebelled because of that. It was something new that challenged us to look at this galaxy differently at a different time and didn’t match that same mold we were accustomed to from 1983 to 1999. I think A lot can be forgiven for Episode VII especially in how it was trying to get us back to that feeling that a lot of fans were missing. Also, it’s a very unique position it was in, as the characters in that story were a lot like us, subject to the tale and legend of the “Star Wars”, with the hero Luke Skywalker and the Rebellion and whatnot. They were reverential to the past, because it was a movie that drawing in it to set up the future. Episode VIII took that and tried to set the stage for something totally new, and question what actually was and wasn’t important in this myth we thought we know. Episode IX instead then decides to revoke the thrust towards the future and decides to focus on the past to a far greater degree. But rather than show it the reverence it received from Episode VII, its ultimately stuck pandering to it, rather than adding to the conversation. It was a move very clearly to recapture the enjoyment the audiences found in VII, by trying to appease angry fans clinging to the past. Ultimately, this movie ends up appeasing so few because it is more focused on trying to win back the goodwill it lost from Episode VIII than focusing on its own story, and just ends up as a mess as a result.

It hurts to feel this way about Star Wars. This is the first mainline Star Wars movie I haven’t wanted to rewatch. It makes me feel upset and even angry at times. It took me so long to write this because I’d just get so bummed every time I’d start writing and thinking about this movie and just lose all energy to keep going till some time later. It’s a movie that has made me re-evaluate my relationship with this franchise and question whether I was even right to enjoy the last two movies, VII and VIII, since they’re all meant to be the same story. I think I just have to accept that this new Star Wars is not all made for people like me anymore. I think like a trip to the restaurant or a buffet, I’ll just pick and choose the bits I engage with now. I am quite happy with Star Wars on television right now, but I just hope at some point, somehow, the movies will connect with me again. I just hope the movies can connect with all the fans again eventually, remind us of that magic that defined each generation while not being beholden to the past. I hope it continues to fascinate and indulge our sense of childlike wonderment, building lightsabers, theorizing the physics of star ships, acting like we’re force choking our friends or able to grab the remote with the force across the living room. The Star Wars experience isn’t a solitary one, but rather one best shared with friends and loved ones. It has the power to bring together a disparate group of friends from across the country to one theater for two+ hours to eventually praise and/or criticize it. I just hope Star Wars can warrant such a jubilant reunion again, not relegating such occurrences to a long time ago, or far, far apart.

Also, Ben Shapiro liked this movie so I think that just validates why this movie is total garbage. Maybe that could have been my whole argument. Eh, four months too late I guess…

tl;dr – If into the recordings you go, only pain you will find.

P.S. If you made it to the end of this review, congrats. Perhaps you are nearly as crazy as I am, though honestly probably not. Nevertheless, I appreciate you sticking around to read through this all.

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