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bagof2780teeth · 4 years

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The Story of My Crush and I

Yes, this is gonna be a very useless lesbian story about me and my crush.

No, I'm not exaggerating with uselessness. I really am that useless and that much of a clueless bottom.

So hold on tight and follow this rollercoaster of emotions (I might promise too much, but idc, just read it)

Oh, and also, I can and will advertise this as butch x femme bc she's like,,, the butch girl of your dreams and I am the emo femme.

We met because of a mutual friend (let's call her A). So A and I were online friends but luckily we only live like 1h by car or 2 by train apart so she invited me to her birthdays where I met her friends and also my crush. I think we knew right from the beginning that everyone (except for A) is gay. Same interests in music, tv shows, whatever, I get along with A's friends very well. Which is great. Obviously.

I don't know at what point I started crushing. But I knew that on the second birthday party of A I was invited to we were playing truth or dare and I got to choose who I want to kiss. I wanted to say my crush but I was too awkward so I got to kiss A herself and another of her friends. But not my crush. Later that year (it must have been the same year) A, my crush and I went to the cinema together to watch Love, Simon, it was summer. I lowkey hoped for some kind of arm/hand touching action, you know? But yeah, nothing happened, but crush and I always looked at each other when you could see some reference to panic at the disco (brendon urie our lord and saviour). That's that. About 1.5 years ago now.

I possibly had some kind of "relationship" of two weeks with a boy, I regret it. I never wanted my crush to know, bc I still wanted to have a chance. Yeaaaah, let's just not talk about it.

About one year ago, A set crush and me up on a "date" (apparently we both were complaining that we wanted a girlfriend.). I think it was around that time when I told A that I actually have a crush on my crush.

So we went to a Christmas market, we were just walking around, at some point we got chips and she was like "I'll pay" and I died a little. Yeah, that's the most "intense" it got, no holding hands or anything. Pretty disappointing, right?

I think the next time we met was my Birthday party. She and A stayed over night because of the distance so it's just less stressful. I actually was invited to her birthday party as well but my (not anymore) best friend decided to have hers on the same day so I thought since I was closer with my best friend, her party was the right decision.

Crush is literally one day younger than me, btw.

So since A's birthday is also in the same month (march, my people, it's insane) A's party was the next time we met. And again all of the other friends I already knew. At some point crush taught me some kind of dance figure (discofox) so our hands touched, wow so intense, she has very soft hands.

At some point, again, truth or dare, but it was just crush, me and one of the friends (the one I got to kiss a year prior). I had to say whom I wanted to kiss if I had to and I was like "ehhh, I don't mind, really", but obviously, I was just too insecure to say my crush's name.

A and my crush both came to see my school's musical (obviously I was in it). When they talked to me afterwards A hugged me in a way that felt like she was trying to lift me up. Since she's smaller than me I was like "are you trying to lift me up?", said it in an ironic way. My crush then said let me try and yes. She did.

A also mentioned that my crush first thought about getting flowers for me but since they had to drive for a while she didn't and I,,, did crush really think about that???

Time went by.

Crush and I only communicate via snapchat.

When I was on holiday she texted me something like "we should meet again when you're back, I miss you" and I, slight gay panic, responded probably "same" and something saying that we should meet!

And we did. We met a couple of times so I'm not really sure what happened when and first or whatever. But I think it was the first meeting (or date???) When we went to a nice roof top bar (it was summer. Summer of 2019) and again, she said she'd pay. So we sat there for a while, talking about... anything, gay things.. casually.

Later we got food (pizza. Pineapple pizza, we both love it and if that's not a sign....) and after being too awkward to ask for the bill we somehow managed to get it and the waitress placed it in the middle of the table. Why am I mentioning that?

So. Before that happened my crush said that with same sex couples it's a "thing" that whoever gets handed the bill is the top. At least in the eyes of the person handing you the bill.

Let's just say that I really have no top energy and the waitress only put it in the middle bc I already had my wallet out.

Btw. I paid. I said we'd pay together and that I'd pay. Most top energy I've ever had in my life.

Later on we were just sitting at the riverside, talking. Eventually it started to rain and we ran somewhere to not get that wet. Yeah. Funny. It really was funny.

About a week later (I got a cold bc we sat in the rain. wow), when we were snapping, she mentioned that she finally found some friends to go swimming in a lake with (it was a really warm summer week) and I was like "oh, lucky you, I don't have anyone to do that". Guess what she did? She invited me to come as well. A and some of the other friends I know were coming, so that was fine for me. Of course my dumb ass lesbian self said yes and the next day I spent two hours on a train to get there.

That was a Wednesday. On Thursday I'd have my very last oral exam in school (graduating is fun n stuff). Why's that important? Well, I made some more poor decisions that day.

When we were like.. done with swimming the plan was to drive to my crush's place to have some kind of bbq. A and I wanted to go to A's place first to shower. On the way we figured out it would be more convenient for me to head directly home because of my exam the next day and how the trains run. I texted my crush what was going on and she was like "you could sleep over at my place and go home tomorrow morning" (my exam was around 2 or so). Of course I said yes. She then asked me if I wanted to drink something specific (there is this certain brand of sparkling wine she knows i love and got it for me).

So we then spend the evening sitting in my crush's garden. I had the whole bottle of sparkling wine for myself since I was the only one liking it/not having to drive. My crush had beer, so that's fine. After all the other friends left we we're just sitting alone, outside, in the warm summer night, talking, sitting in silence (not that awkward kind). At some point she suggested to star gaze when it got dark enough. So guess what? We were lying in the grass next to each other, looking at the night sky and making up names for random star constellations. When it got cold she got us some of her jackets.

Eventually I was slightly drunk since I didn't eat much and drank the whole bottle and I maybe ended up asking her how obvious me having the crush was. Well. Let's just say that my subtweets aren't as sub as I am.

Yeah, so that was the last thing we talked about before sleeping (ofc i had to borrow some of her clothes). Awkward? Maybe. But not really, since nothing changed between us. She knew.

I think the next time we met was when we went to get new piercings together. Chaotic energy, very spontaneously. It was fun, I don't regret anything. I can't remember anything worth mentioning that happened.

So since I graduated this year my live obviously needs to go on. I'm doing a gap year, as an aupair. So I did some kind of "good bye party" with my closest friends before I left.

My crush was invited as well. So, first, she brought me a bottle of my favourite sparkling wine. Then, (I was really stressed) she told me to breath, calm down, or sit down and if I remembered it right she did make gestures that I should sit on her lap? Anyways, I didn't, I had to do something else.

At some point that day we were all sitting on the sofa, me next to my crush. She said something like "my arm hurts" and placed it around my shoulders and then said "oh look how smooth that was". Yeah, I died.

She helped me doing the dishes at like 3am and we talked about random things.. maybe some more "private" things.

A few days later she explained to me how she felt (Text. Not in person, do we look like we aren't socially awkward?). She told me that she really wanted to give me a clear answer but she really can't say if she has romantic feelings for me or not. Like she can't say yes but she also can't say no.

Unrelated to that thing I texted her and asked if I had a chance (I was prepared to get a clear no, so I could stop crushing, you know) but she told me that I do have a chance. Why are lesbians so bad in those things.

Yeah, then, I went abroad. We still snapped pics to each other. She told me (multiple times?) she'd come and visit me if she had enough money.

She on day told me that she had been to a nice veggie restaurant and said that we should go there one day (I'm vegetarian).

When I was sure that I'd come home for christmas I told her and we planned to meet. The idea was there but to actual plan what we wanted to do.

In the meantime we started to do almost daily "good night" snaps and suddenly she started to include a heart in her good night message to me. Eventually I did so too and now we almost every day send each other a picture saying goodnight with a drawn heart on it. You wouldn't do that if you knew the other person has a crush on you and you wouldn't want them to have this crush, would you?

And also she really isn't a person to use much emoticons, certainly not hearts.

So now the plan is that I come over to her place on new years eve (which is tomorrow.)

She said she'd look forward to it and I am literally dying of gay panic and excitement.

Additionally, you know those things on Twitter "@ the xth person, it's your whatever" yeah. People did that with "@ the 6th person is your new years kiss" guess who that person is for me? Literally my crush's Twitter. Eventually I did post it with a "lol" (ironically.) and she responded to it with this smirking emoji. You know which one. 😏. That one.

Yeah, that's pretty much the story. I am a gay mess. If she finds this, I'm dead. Well. Anyways, I'll have another 6-8months abroad when I go back so what could go wrong. Haha. Ha.

I'm way too lazy to check for typos and I might have not included every single detail, but you get the broad idea.

Thank you for your attention, I'm out (what a pun).

TL;DR: lesbians being the useless lesbian cliche, I still don't know if i had a chance

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darkpoisonouslove · 4 years

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I’m here again. Faragonda, Sky, Tecna, and Darcy, please xD

Hi again! XD Thanks for sending more!

Faragonda:

- How I feel about this character:

I love her! She is amazing! I love that she is very patient and warm but also won't let anyone hurt the people she loves. She's a badass. She can fight her own battles and has a strong will and resolve despite her kind attitude and her desire to solve things peacefully and I think that is a great combination of characteristics. I love that she's always there for her students and is super understanding. I think she's a great headmistress.

- All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Griffin. They know each other so well and understand and respect each other. Let's be real, that would be the perfect relationship.

Hagen. I have only seen the two minutes of interactions they had in "Secret of the Lost Kingdom" so you can pretty much blame @trashcankitty12 for that since it started from her fanfiction. I just realized a few days ago that they are the sunshine and raincloud trope and I kinda like that, though, it could've been done better.

Griselda. Idk, I've seen this and I think it would work as well. Honestly, I would be more sold if we'd seen more of their relationship but I guess we'll just... have to die. 😑

- My non-romantic OTP for this character:

Griffin. Like I said, I live for this friendship. They have so much history and not all of it is pretty but they are still as close as ever. I love the fact that they've had major crises in their friendship but they still managed to get over them and trust each other. And Faragonda is so supportive of Griffin, I can't. Not to mention that they're both super protective of each other.

- My unpopular opinion about this character:

I think Faragonda is more selfish than expected. What I mean with this is that she would totally sacrifice herself for the people she loves, just as well as she would sacrifice everyone else for the people she loves. This would make sense if you look at her past, too. She most certainly went through big rejection when she discovered she was a fairy. Not only from her family, but also from pretty much everyone else in her life. So the few people that stuck with her mean the world to her and she can't afford to lose them no matter what it means for anyone else. And Marion and Oritel's death only exacerbated that thought process.

- One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

I wish we'd learned more about her family and the time she thought she was a witch. I think that would've been really interesting and could have brought up some magical lore. Like, more about the fairies and witches and how light and dark magic came to be (also, am I the only one who thinks we should have gotten more emphasis on Mirta and maybe seen a conversation between her and Faragonda since Mirta is the only one we know of who's been through the same thing Faragonda has?). I reaaaaaaally want to know how she handled that period. (Spoiler: I might have an idea about that and it might be morphing into a fanfic instead of the set of headcanons it was supposed to be.)

Sky:

- How I feel about this character:

Uh... Can I skip this question? 😅 Honestly, I don't really like him. He has some qualities that I like but just... No? I don't feel it.

- All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Honestly, I don't care about his romantic life. I would say Bloom, but they are the only canon ship that I really don't give a damn about.

- My non-romantic OTP for this character:

Brandon. As much as I hated their idea to switch identities in season 1, that's a sign for some strong friendship. You don't just do that with anyone and I like the fact that he's so close with someone who was supposed to be just a servant to him. We haven't seen anything about his life as a prince but I'm willing to bet he didn't have many real friends so it's good to see him have a genuine friendship.

- My unpopular opinion about this character:

I don't like his relationship with Bloom. I feel like they don't fucking communicate, like, at all! At least half, no, wait, at least 70% of their drama would've been avoided if they talked to each other and he trusted her to tell her shit. Imagine how much cooler it would have been if he'd told her that he was actually prince Sky and he was engaged but he likes her and doesn't want to be with Diaspro. And then Bloom could've sneaked on the Day of the Royals for support and because she wanted to see Diaspro and the two of them could've actually talked which would have provided an opportunity for character depth for Diaspro. Maybe she would get to tell Bloom why she loves Sky and Bloom would feel bad bc apparently Diaspro's feelings are genuine but they aren't reciprocated and we could have some quality drama there with Sky and Bloom both trying to let Diaspro down easily and after a period of adaptation they could have all been friends. Now i want to write this. *exasperated sigh*

- One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

Get some goddamn backstory! I know I say the same about all of the characters, but that's because they have the same flaw in getting no fucking backstory. How are we supposed to get this character when we have no idea why the hell they are like that? I feel like Sky could be a great character if they'd delved more into what makes him like that. Why did he feel the need to swap identities with Brendon? They said that he wanted to see what not being a royalty was like but why? Was he tired of being a prince and just wanted to be normal (in which case some backstory would have fit right in) or did he want to see how ordinary people get treated so that he could get them better for when he became a king? Just give me something about this character's life gdi!

Tecna:

- How I feel about this character:

Pretty meh tbh. She is so underdeveloped, it's painful. We don't know anything about her except that she's good with technology and smart. That doesn't make up an entire personality and it doesn't make her very relatable for me.

- All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Timmy. We get to see some emotional reactions from both of them when they're together and I like that. I just wish they'd done more with them even if in the context of their passion of technology. Just let them go on a super cute nerdy date where they go look for computer parts at a second-hand technology store or something. If they're only gonna have one characteristic, at least expand it to the point where it's believable that it's taken over their lives because they are so interested in it. There were so many possibilities.

- My non-romantic OTP for this character:

... Error 404: File not found. Honestly, her relationships with the others are so non-existent that I don't really... have anything for this category. Like, who is she closest to? I have no idea. I'm gonna say Musa, though, because: a) I think music and technology together can make some pretty cool things and b) Musa seems prone to hiding her emotions and Tecna is a bit detached from her own feelings so I feel like that could be a bonding point while they can also learn something from each other. (Man... I feel like exploring the possibilities now... Gdi! I have no time for that.)

- My unpopular opinion about this character:

I feel like Tecna's powers were very underestimated. And not just on a magical level. She is super smart and inventive and she should've been given a bigger role in a lot of the missions. Also, if any of the magical realms are anything like Earth, then Tecna could be super useful and vital to missions since everything is so technology-based. None of that was well utilized. None of it.

- One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

I wish she'd gotten her Enchantix differently. Faragonda said that to get Enchantix they had to sacrifice themselves for someone from their planet. Yet, Tecna sacrificed herself for Layla's planet and still got her Enchantix. Now technically, there might have been a Zenithian on Andros at the time, so in saving the planet Tecna saved that Zenithian as well but that is totally not what Faragonda meant there, I'm sorry. Also, if they'd gotten her to save someone from her own planet, we could have learned something more about her and her backstory. I think it would've been better.

Darcy:

-How I feel about this character:

She's my fave Trix! I've loved her since I was little. I love that Darcy is more collected and controlled than Icy and Stormy but she can be just as terrible when she's raging. I like that her composure doesn't make her more stable than they are and she can totally flip from calm to mad in 0.03 seconds. It makes her unpredictable and allows her to fit in with the temper of her besties while she also remains different from them. I love her powers! They're so cool and I wish we'd seen more of them. I'm sure they could've made something amazing if they had messed around with her power of illusions. Come to think of it that fits well with her character, too, since she isn't patient and calm but only gives the illusion of that.

- All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Riven. Look, I know that relationship was as unhealthy as it gets, but they looked cute gdi! In an AU maybe they could've been the perfect couple.

Maybe Flora a little bit. Don't ask me why, I don't know. I just remembered I had some thoughts on this but I can't quite piece it together yet. I think that could have some cool symbolism, though, because in a way Darcy's powers are the opposite of Flora's since plants need light to survive and Darcy's powers are... well, darkness. Also, nature doesn't pretend and Darcy's magic is literally focused on deception so...

- My non-romantic OTP for this character:

Icy and Stormy. They've had less than graceful moments in their friendship but they stuck together through it all and I actually like that. It gives them some depth (which, let's be real, they were very lacking of) and I appreciated it. I feel like I prefer her relationship with Stormy since they are more on equal ground while Icy separates herself as the leader of the trio (and the worst of them tbh).

- My unpopular opinion about this character:

I think Darcy is actually a lot like Musa but their approach to feelings is different. Musa will erupt when she reaches her boiling point while Darcy is more calculating in that regard and is more likely to hide her feelings if she's after something that exploding will get in the way of. So basically, you could say Musa is more genuine while Darcy is more for pretense in the name of her goal. Musa's feelings find outlet in the harmony of her music while Darcy's cause chaos and it's an interesting opposition to work with, especially considering that sometimes their reactions can overlap. I can see how Riven can be confused as to which one of them would be better for him.

- One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

I wish we'd gotten some backstory. What was her life like that it made her want universl domination? How did she meet Icy and Stormy and how did they become friends, considering that neither of them are exactly open to bonding? How are they connected to the Ancestral Wicthes (I mean, they can't be direct descendants so what is up with that) and how did they get their hands on the Whisperian Crystals (also, where the hell did the Crystals go after season 1)? So many questions and no answers.

This was so fun! I got so many new thoughts! So... Ask box is still open! 😁

#winx club #winx faragonda #winx sky #winx tecna #winx darcy #character opinions #meta #ask #her-majesty-wears-jeans

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pathetic-at-the-disco · 6 years

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What Really Happened in Myrtle Beach...

It was late June in 2006. Panic! at the Disco were on their first headlining tour, which was quickly becoming even more of a success than anyone had expected. Brent Wilson was finally out of the band and had been replaced with the actually talented Jon Walker, and everything was going great.

Except for Ryan Ross, who recently broke up with Jac Vanek and was still feeling lonely and sad about how it all turned out. In true Ryan fashion, he tried to throw himself back into the game and rebound with someone he was “justfriends” with. (It’s unclear who, but there’s no more reason to believe it was Brendon than Jon, Spencer, Greta from the Hush Sound, one of the backup dancers, a fan, or literally anyone else on the planet.)

The band had a show in Lake Buena Vista, Florida (their third Florida show in as many nights) on June 23, 2006. And... things apparently got a little wild that evening after the concert.

After midnight, one of the backup dancers named Dream posted this on her Livejournal:

Sat, June 24th, 2006

It’s our last night in Florida and let me tell you… this finally turned into a crazy rock tour… lots of shenanigans happened tonight… but I’ll save this story for the memoirs! Every night I stand on stage and tell the crowd that Brendon is a virgin… let’s just put it this way… it ain’t true!!!!

This information is unsurprising, since Brendon was already partying heavily after shows during this tour. This was to the exasperation of his other bandmates, who did not drink or otherwise involve themselves in the party scene. It’s likely that Ryan, Spencer, and Jon weren’t even privy to what inspired Dream’s post in the first place.

Ryan Ross, for example, was spending his evening with someone. And that night, Ryan, known as i_amclandestine on Livejournal, also wrote a post:

Sat, June 24th, 2006

I’m the ghost in the bed.you can touch because i can’t rest. and the lights are always off so I can mold you in the dark.i can shape and pretend.”i just want to have a good time, just like everybody else, but i don’t want to fall apart”

The quoted part is a reference to the lyrics of “Good Time” by Counting Crows, a morose song about wanting to be closer to a romantic partner.

Clearly, whoever Ryan was with that night was making him more upset than anything. He was trying to lose himself in someone, hoping to forget his problems, and realizing that it wasn’t working.

The tour went on, though. Everyone piled back onto the bus and drove to their next gig, which was scheduled for that night at the House of Blues in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina (pictured below).

The show went off without a hitch, and everyone was in a fantastic mood. The band even signed some autographs and let the fans take pictures of them after the concert (note the House of Blues sign and the building’s distinctive facade in several of the photographs).

And shortly after this, the members of Panic! at the Disco and the Hush Sound, in addition to their dancers and crew members, were feeling so good that they decided to walk a mile to the beach and go swimming in the ocean, followed by more shenanigans.

This experience was immortalized in an interview with Greta from the Hush Sound:

Q: Tell us about your craziest touring experience.

A: On the 2006 Panic Tour, we played the House of Blues in Myrtle Beach [JUNE 24TH]. After the show, most of the bands and crew walked a mile to the beach and, having not brought our swimsuits, decided to swim in underwear or totally nude. Bob and I opted to skinny dip and, at one point, he was trying to get back to the shore but the waves were crashing over him and he was gasping for breath. I yelled to him, 'Bob, are you going to live? As much as I want to help you, we are both naked so I can't.' (Would have been far too awkward). Thankfully, he survived in one glorious piece.

This sequence of events was also referenced in another Livejournal post from Dream:

Sun, June 25, 2006

Last night we played in Myrtle Beach, NC… I’ve always wanted to go to Myrtle Beach so it was fun to finally get there and to do it in such a special way. The girls we meet at the show were amazing. They were so spirited and friendly. They were fun.

After the show Greta and I, she’s the lead singer and from the The Hush Sound (the band we’re on tour with and in love with…!) well we decided we wanted to go for a midnight skinny dip in the ocean after the show and in the end more then 20 of us made the mile hike to the beach, stripped down and dove in! it was magical under the stars and moody clouds above. After about an hour splashing and riding the waves we all broke into the pool and hot tub of the condo up the beach to wash the salt away and laugh at our genius of managing to sneak so many crazies into this spa without being caught… just as the security arrived and we all scattered like geese! It was a fun night.

At around 4:30 in the morning, Ryan also made a Livejournal post (his last, in fact). It’s notorious in the fandom and everyone has read it, but here it is again:

Sun, June 25, 2006

The moon bred new Atlantic life tonight.the salt burned you right out of my eyes.and secrets we’re not proud of were taken with the tide. We were all newborns with blurred vision and no sense of direction.

Today I saw cancer, cigarettes and shortness of breath.

this is why I walk to the ocean.swim with jellyfish.I may never get this chance again.

this is why if you want to kiss you should kiss.

If you want to cry you should cry, and

if you want to live you should live.

You don’t have to love me. You already did. At least enough to keep me smiling from South Carolina to Virginia.it’s for lovers (orjustfriends)

This is why I do it.

Clearly, Ryan was feeling better than he had the previous night. Whatever happened in Myrtle Beach was enough to make his outlook on life a little more optimistic, at least for a night.

It is imperative to point out again that there’s no reason to assume it was about Brendon (who also had an active Livejournal account at this time and didn’t post at all about Myrtle Beach or Florida. If it was about him and was apparently so special and romantic, don’t you think he would have said something?). We don’t know who Ryan wrote this about, but that doesn’t make his poem any less meaningful or beautiful.

Basically, the lesson to be learned here is that even though it theoretically could have been about Brendon or Jon or Dream or a fan or whomever (as none of these can be proven or disproven), at the end of the day it’s foolish to attach it to a specific person without proof. The world will probably never know who Ryan’s rebound was, and that’s fine!

Assuming that it automatically points to Ryden is confirmation bias, which is not actually a valid reason for believing something. (I know, shocking.) You may as well say that Ryan was definitely having an intense affair with Spencer. Or Brent. There’s as much evidence.

Thank you to @future4angelz for requesting this post! It’s a bit tricky to specifically disprove the Ryden conspiracies because so much is unknown here, but I hope I did well enough at convincing people not to read too much into things. (Also, most people think Dream’s post from the 24th is about Myrtle Beach, even though she says they’re in Florida. Use your critical thinking skills, everyone!) :)

~Mod C

P.S. We don’t ship Ryden. Just thought I’d clear that up one more time for the people in the back, haha.

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sunsetinmyvein · 6 years

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Who Could Ask for Anymore? - Spencer Smith

Here’s a random thing I wrote about Spencer Smith that is more or less a reader insert sorta thing.

“Road trip?” Brendon asked as he switched his amp off.

“Huh?” She mumbled as she looked up at him from her phone.

“Did you wanna go on a road trip? This weekend?” He offered again.

“That’s a bit sudden?” She questioned with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, I feel like we could both use one, and I know you’re free this weekend. Stuff has been stressful lately and it would be nice to get out of the studio. I can invite the band, you can invite some friends. It’ll be fun. We could go to the Grand Canyon or something for the weekend.” He explained as he continued rolling up the cord for his guitar.

“That’s not exactly next door.” She pointed out as she swung her feet from her stool.

“No but it’s close enough. We’ll take shifts driving through the night and have at least a full day there. I’m sure I can get Pete to loan me a tour bus or something for the weekend.”

“You’ve really thought this out, huh?” She asked, slightly surprised by the sudden enthusiasm. Brendon was not normally the organised type.

“A little. I can even invite Spence for you.” He winked. It all suddenly became clear as to why he was so keen on a trip into the middle of nowhere in a confined space.

“Yes, he would be included in ‘the band’, Bren.” She said sarcastically as she tried to hide her embarrassment.

“I know you’re into him.” He added casually as he slipped his guitar into its case. She glared at the back of his head, trying to think of a way around admitting it. She’d managed to get this far without anyone knowing, but clearly, she hadn’t been hiding it as well as she had thought. She eventually resigned herself to defeat.

“Then why are you the worst wingman ever?” She huffed.

“I try to remain objective.” He grinned as he picked up the case. “C’mon.” He said as he walked out the door. She followed closely behind, stuffing her hands in her hoodie. They walked in silence until they reached the trunk of his car. She mulled over her options: road trip with friends, albeit a potentially awkward one, or sit alone at home all weekend because all of her friends were on a road trip without her.

“A road trip might be fun.” She said quietly as he loaded in the guitar.

He looked at her with a hopeful smile. “Really?” She met his excited gaze, letting out a deep sigh before giving him a firm nod. “Great! I’ll organise the bus.”

* * *

Her backpack landed with a thud on the couch as she looked around the tour bus. It was a pretty run-down vehicle, Brendon had told her that the record company didn’t use it anymore. But it still functioned. It had a small living area, beds, and it drove fine. It lacked any form of kitchen utilities, or working ones anyway, but they had already planned food stops. She heard footsteps ascending the steps up into the bus behind her and spun around to see Jon.

“Oh, hey!” She said with a smile.

“Hey!” He grinned as he pulled her into a hug. “I’m so glad you suggested this to Brendon. We’ve been suffocating in that studio this week.”

“Huh?” She frowned at the taller man in confusion as he moved back from the hug.

“He told us that you suggested the trip?”

“Ah, did he just?” She asked with an eyebrow raised.

“Did you not..?” He asked hesitantly.

“It was a joint effort.” She lied. “But it’ll be fun! My friend is meant to be here soon. Where’s the rest of your lot?” She asked, trying her best to seem casual.

“They’re on their way. Ryan was taking a while to pack and he was meant to be bringing Spencer. I don’t know where Brendon is but he said he’d be on time.” He answered as he flopped onto the couch. “I brought a deck of cards. Want a quick game?” He asked as he pulled the pack out of his pocket and began shuffling.

“Sure.” She smiled as she sat down next to him.

They played cards for the next while until the others slowly started filing into the bus. Her friend, Helen, came first, and decided to spend a while sorting through her things at the back of the bus to make sure she had brought everything. Brendon arrived shortly after, and a devious smirk spread across his face as he entered the bus. “Spencer not here yet?” He asked in a horrible attempt at a casual tone as he glanced around. She felt her shoulders tense up slightly at the question, but tried to avoid giving him a reaction.

“Ryan was taking ages last I spoke to them.” Jon answered without looking up from his cards, clearly lost in thought at his next move.

“Hopefully he’ll be here soon, eh?” He winked as he dumped his bag at the back of the bus and wandered into the front. He took it upon himself that he was going to take the first driving shift and busied himself with making sure that everything was in working order.

“Your turn.” Jon muttered as he grimaced at his own cards.

“Your poker face is terrible, Jon.” She laughed.

“Shut up and take your turn.” He grumbled.

By the end of the game everyone was sitting in the lounge area, and not long after they had thrown in their cards, raised voices could be heard from outside.

“I told you that was the wrong way!”

“You did not! You said to go left!”

“And you went right!”

“Well you should have specified what turn you were talking about.” Ryan frowned as he pushed his way into the bus. “Hi guys.” He said quietly as he quickly made his way to the back of the bus. Spencer wandered on shortly after, letting out a frustrated sigh before smiling.

“Sorry we’re late.” He sat down on the floor in front of everyone. “Have I missed much? What are we playing?” He asked as he nodded to the stack of cards on the empty couch seat.

“You’ve missed nothing!” Brendon announced as he stood up. “Let’s set out some ground rules before we set off.” Everyone nodded in agreement as Ryan came back out to the lounge, leaning against the doorway separating the front of the bus and the back. Spencer spun around on the floor and leaned back against the base of the couch. She could feel his shoulder leaning slightly against her knee and tried her best not to think about it. Despite her best efforts, Brendon instantly saw and shot her a knowing smirk before continuing.

“Firstly; we’re gonna have a buddy system for driving. One person drives and the other keeps the driver company so that nobody falls asleep at the wheel, because we will have to drive through the night to make it on time. Secondly, we should arrive at about midday tomorrow if we keep to a tight schedule. I hope everyone brought snacks but we can pull over for toilet breaks and major meals. Third and finally; there are four single bunks and one double bed, because whatever band had this bus before us apparently liked to do some… interesting things on tour.” He chuckled. Ryan let out a quiet ‘gross’ under his breath. She felt her face flush and suddenly realised why Brendon was all too keen to organise transport for the trip. He’d pulled Pete in on his damn plan too. “Long story short two people will have to agree to bunk together.”

“I’ve already unloaded my stuff into a bunk.” Ryan replied with a lazy shrug.

“Same.” He friend piped up as she raised her hand.

“Well…” Jon started as he scratched the back of his neck nervously.

“I’ll share with someone.” Spencer answered. “Anyone except Bren, anyway. I’ve heard your stories and I’d rather not be trapped in the same bed with you.” He laughed. Brendon answered with a loud laugh.

“I think our beards would get knotted together.” Jon tried to joke, doing his best to seem casual about not wanting to share. “And Cas might get a little jealous”

“As she should, what with how irresistible I clearly am. I guess it’s us, huh?” Spencer asked as he nudged her knee with his shoulder. He looked up at her with a smile.

“Guess it is.” She gave an anxious smile back, before looking up to see Brendon giving her a sly look.

“So, let’s hit the road! I’ll be on first driving shift. Does anyone want to buddy with me?”

“I will.” She volunteered with a glare as she stood up quickly, nearly knocking Spencer over in the process.

Everyone settled into the bus before they took off, Brendon taking the driver’s seat. She sat down in the passenger seat next to him before punching him in the shoulder.

“Why would you do that?” She hissed under her breath.

“Ow.” He pouted as he rubbed his shoulder. “I’m just trying to… provide you with an opportunity.” He answered.

“You’re just providing me with the perfect opportunity to be the awkward shit that I am.” She mumbled as she crossed her arms, slouching in her seat.

“You know that he won’t mind. You’ve known him almost as long as I have. Spence is a nice guy, he’d never hold that sort of thing against you. And I’m pretty sure you’re blind to all the hints he’s dropping.” He chuckled quietly.

“You could’ve just asked him for me.”

“That’s so highschool.” He rolled his eyes. “Just see what happens. You’ll be sharing a bed, you’ll know by the end of the weekend.”

“Assuming we even talk.”

“You’ll talk. You never shut up.” He grinned. She shoved him hard in the ribs. “Ow! Stop hurting the driver!”

“Break it up you two!” Jon shouted from the lounge.

“Why are you one of my best friends?” She sighed as she began fiddling with the radio.

“You love me.” He laughed.

* * *

He drove for a few hours, eventually the air cleared between them and their friendship returned to its usual joking nature. When dusk started clearing into the early night he found himself yawning.

“Should we call it?” He asked as he rubbed his eyes. She nodded in response as he began pulling to the side of the road. When they’d come to a stop they unbuckled their belts and wandered back into the lounge. The rest of the road trip crew were sitting on the floor playing a board game. “Who’s up next?”

“I’ll drive.” Ryan volunteered. “I’m a bit of a night owl anyways.”

“I’ll offer for company?” Helen suggested as she stood up.

“Sure.” He shrugged as they walked into the cab of the bus.

“Well I might adjourn for the night.” Brendon said as he stretched his arm above his head.

“That’s why you took the first shift isn’t it? So that you could sleep through the night?” Jon asked as he narrowed his eyes at the singer.

“It’s not my fault I was the only one planning ahead.” Brendon mused as he walked down towards the bunks. “Enjoy your night everyone! See you in the morning.”

“He’s smarter than most people think.” Spencer laughed. She shook her head in the direction of her friend before joining the two men on the floor.

“What are we playing?” She asked as they began setting up the board again.

* * *

“No, no, no! That’s not what I said!” Jon laughed as he leaned back into the couch, his foot brushing against the board game on the floor that had long since been abandoned.

“I’m pretty sure that you just said you kept a pair of panties that were thrown on stage!” Spencer reminded his friend as a grin spread across his face. She found herself trying to supress her own laughter.

“I said that I took them backstage, to throw them out!” He defended as he held his hands up.

“Can anyone verify that, Jon?” He smirked.

“Hey, it’s not my fault that none of them ever reach the drumkit.” Jon shot back with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m pretty content without the used underwear from fans, thanks.” He chuckled as he leaned forward onto his knees. “I think it’s getting pretty late.” He sighed as he checked his watch. “I might hit the sack.”

“I should probably go see if Ryan wants a break.” Jon said as he stood up and walked to the drivers’ area.

“I uh… I guess I might go to bed too then.” She said nervously as she sat up on the couch.

“You don’t have to go just because I am. You won’t wake me up if you come in later.” Spencer assured as he met her gaze.

“No, it’s all right. What am I gonna do out here anyway if everyone else is either driving or sleeping?” She reasoned, trying her best to not show how awkward she was feeling. He gave a short laugh before standing up.

“After you, then.” He said with a gesture to the back of the bus.

She walked through the corridor lined with singles bunks to the small door at the back. It opened to reveal… a fairly cramped room, even for a tour bus. There was a window at the very back above the double bed that faced the road behind them and the other two sides of the bed were directly against the wall. There was a bit of space at the foot of the bed for bags but mostly, the room was just bed.

“I’ll let you get changed.” She heard him say as he shut the door. She let out a shaky sigh as she looked around the room. It wasn’t exactly much space. Not much space at all for two friends to be sharing, clearly the larger bed had been all that was required. By the time she had changed and put her things back in her bag she heard a soft tapping at the door. “Good?” She heard his voice call through the thin piece of wood.

“Yeah, good.” She nodded as she went to sit at the head of the bed, leaning back against the wall. She drew he knees up to her chest, hoping maybe she could curl into a ball tight enough to disappear from this dimension and not have to deal with this. He gave a small smile as he walked back in. It was instantly clear things were awkward, or at least that’s how both people in the room felt anyway. She sat staring at her knees, trying her best to not overthink things as he quickly changed his shirt.

“Cool for the lights to be off?” He asked as he leaned forward from the foot of the bed towards the switch. She wanted to make a sarcastic joke about how ‘that is the way most people sleep, yes’ but instead it just came out as a nod. She moved under the blankets, suddenly thankfully for the darkness to hide her blush as she felt him climb under as well. The room seemed dark at first, but as their eyes adjusted the street lights they passed regularly illuminated the small space. She could see the slightest hint of a starry sky above them, but as quickly as her eyes focused on it another light swept through the room and her eyes had to correct themselves all over again.

They laid there in silence for a few minutes, watching as every four seconds they passed another street light. Spencer let out an agitated sigh. Voices could be heard very faintly at the front of the bus, and eventually she heard someone return to their bunk, though she couldn’t be sure who. 1… 2… 3… Light… 1… 2…

“This is awkward, right?” He asked. She moved her head to look at him, seeing him staring back at her.

“Yep.” She answered with a firm nod as she looked back at the window.

“I, uh… I’m glad you suggested the trip to Brendon. It was a good idea. We’ve been at each other’s throats lately trying to record the new album so the break will be nice. Even though I guess we’re in an even more confined space now than we were before.” He added as he ran a hand through his hair.

“I didn’t suggest it to Brendon.” She admitted.

“You didn’t? He told us it was your idea.” She could hear the frown in his voice without even having to look.

“It was definitely his idea. He kind of conned me into tagging along.”

“Oh... Really? Sounds like we might have had… similar conversations with him.”

She took in a shaky breath before finally deciding maybe things would be less awkward if he knew. At least then if he didn’t feel the same way back they could move into single bunks or something and not have to be in such a confined space with each other. “His bargaining chip for getting me to come along was… you.” She confessed, instantly feeling like shrinking into the blanket so she didn’t have to deal with the aftermath of this. The time he was taking to reply only made the atmosphere even more awkward. 2… 3… light… 1… 2… 3…

“I… wait…” Spencer stumbled, trying to make sense of his racing mind. “Did we have the same conversation with him?” He asked in confusion. She laid there in silence, unsure what to say to that. He brought his hand to her shoulder, making her face him. “He got me to come because he said that given you organised it, you’d definitely be here.” Her eyes widened at his words.

“So… you? Hold on… We did have the same conversation with him?” She said as she rolled over to fully face him. They looked at each other for a moment before they both burst out laughing. “How long?” She asked, a smile playing on her lips.

“Too long. You?”

“Longer than I can remember.”

“Man, if I had’ve known…” He muttered, letting the now comfortable silence hang in the air between them. A smile crept across his face as he reached out and put a strand of her hair behind her ear, eyes suddenly brighter than they were a few minutes ago. As his hand brushed across her cheek she tried her best not to show the effect it had, but instead just ended up laughing. An idea suddenly struck her.

“Hold up, so… Has Bren known all this time that you’ve been into me?” She asked.

“Uh… mostly, yeah. I was really distracted once during practice and he got it out of me.” He chuckled at the memory.

“Well, he’s known about me for god knows how long but I only admitted it the other day. He’s sat there knowing we’re both into each other and not saying anything. He conned us both into coming this weekend under the pretence of the other being here, and let us just be awkward instead of telling us.” She rattled off. Spencer nodded in response. “I’m thinking… maybe we shouldn’t tell him that we know?”

He scratched his beard thoughtfully. “Why?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, if he’s spent who knows how long not saying anything but then decided to do this impromptu road trip, clearly he’s sick of seeing us fumble about. He said to me that he was pretty sure by the end of this weekend he expected things between us to be out in the open. So, what if we pretend that this didn’t happen? And let him stew in defeat that his match making didn’t work?”

“Oooo… he hates defeat.” He said with a devious tone. “Are you sure? I think that would drive him crazy.”

“Good.”

* * *

Ryan and Jon tried to keep their singing to a minimum, but it was hard when the 3am radio stations kept playing their favourite songs. Ryan had never been great at sleeping, so he was happy to drive through the night and was glad to have one of his best friends as company. As another fantastic duet between the two ended, their quiet laughter filled the cab of the bus.

“So… I’m pretty sure that Brendon was actually the one who organised this trip.” Jon noted as he cracked his passenger window to get some fresh air.

“What makes you say that?” Ryan asked as he flicked over to a new station.

“He lied when he told us it wasn’t his idea.” He answered.

“Did he just? Why would he lie about that?” The younger man hummed as he thought over this new information. “Do you think he..? No…”

“Is he that smart?”

“I mean Spence does talk about her a lot.”

“And we’ve been trying to get them alone together for a few months now.”

“That scoundrel.” Ryan laughed. “Oh no, but what if it works…” He added as his face suddenly fell.

“What do you mean?” Jon asked as he turned his attention to the driver.

“The walls on this bus aren’t exactly sound proof… He’s trapped us all here with them!”

“The bastard!”

* * *

Their alarms woke them up at around dawn so that they could take their driving shift. Both were extremely groggy and they gazed at each other for a moment, trying to remember the events of last night. Spencer stared back at her sleepily, a lazy smile playing on his lips. “This may very well be the best morning ever.” He said, his voice deep from sleep. She blushed deeply, burying her head into her pillow. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her into his chest. “Sorry.” He said quietly.

“Don’t be.” She mumbled. “It’s just… all still very new.”

Het let out a content sigh. “Trust me, I know.” He rubbed his hand up and down her back lightly. They laid there in silence for a few minutes. “We could just make out now to get it out of the way? It might make things less awkward?” He offered. She laughed loudly.

“How romantic, Spence.” She said with a roll of her eyes, shuffling back out of his grip.

“It was only a suggestion.” He shrugged with a smirk.

“A bad one. I don’t even wanna kiss you anyway.” She huffed with feigned annoyance as she looked away from him.

“You don’t?” He moved his hand from her waist to her cheek, and she turned to meet his gaze.

“Nope.” Her voice cracked ever so slightly.

“Good.” He shot back, moving slightly closer to her. His eyes looked darker than what they had been a moment ago.

“Good.” She repeated, feeling their breath mingling. He closed the distance between them, their lips crashing together and instantly they both felt the room warm up by a few degrees. The feeling shot straight through her. He moved his hand from her cheek to the back of her neck, earning a shuddery breath from her in response that ended up lost in the kiss. His stubble rubbed against her chin as she moved her hand to his chest. They moved apart, both breathing heavily. She swallowed hard and he looked back at her, pupils blown. “That… uh…” She stuttered.

“Yeah… it, um…” He tried to agree. “We should maybe get out of bed and take our shift at the wheel.” He changed topics anxiously.

“Sounds good.” She nodded. They both sat up, looking at each other for a moment before smiling sheepishly.

They walked out of the small room at the back of the bus, swapping places with Ryan and Jon who had happily chatted the night away but were now very keen for naps before breakfast. As much the new couple wanted to constantly talk about how to make up for lost time, they refrained. Keeping any hint of romantic talk to hushed whispers in case Brendon heard. About an hour and a half into their drive they heard someone behind them before a hand was planted firmly on each of their shoulders. “Gooooood morning.” Brendon sung with a large smile plastered on his face. “How did you guys sleep?” He asked enthusiastically as he turned to look directly at her. Not that Spencer noticed anyway as his eyes were trained on the road.

“Good.” She answered with a simple shrug. He kept his eyes locked with hers, clearly prying for more information that wasn’t coming. After a moment he decided that any saucy details weren’t flowing freely.

“No, uh… no rowdy dreams?” He smirked with an eyebrow raised. Spencer let out a loud laugh.

“What? I’m pretty sure those are your dreams, man.” He said as he shrugged Brendon’s hand off his shoulder. “That’s the exact reason I wouldn’t share with you.” He added. Brendon frowned slightly at them before walking back into the lounge. The two shared a look before a smile twitched at Spencer’s lips, forcing himself to look back at the road as a light red tinge coloured his cheeks.

They arrived at their pit stop for the morning; a small diner just on the outskirts of the canyon area. The six of them piled out of the bus and into a booth before ordering some food, happy to be free from the confined space. Ryan and Jon both had visible bags under their eyes from being awake all night, the former wearing a pair of sunglasses to try and dull the fluorescent lights in the diner.

“I could really go a burger… and some chips… and a strawberry milkshake…” Ryan muttered as his eyes ran over the menu.

“For breakfast?” Brendon grimaced. “Any idea how many calories you’re consuming and it’s barely even dawn?”

“Calories? What are those?” He replied as he leaned back in the booth, lowering his glasses again.

“I’m gonna get some hashbrowns.” Spencer said with a definitive nod, placing his menu back into the middle of the table.

“Same.” She agreed, following suit with her own menu.

“Huh.” Brendon said, loud enough for people to stare at him until he eventually continued. “Same breakfast, you guys would make a great couple.” He said, trying to fight a devious smirk.

“Don’t they say opposites attract?” She shot back, staring out the window at the passing cars. She felt Brendon kick her under the table and she turned to see his confused frown, but didn’t say any more.

The diner was mostly empty. Being that they were in the middle of nowhere and it was only just starting to hit a reasonable hour, their breakfast was served in record time and eaten just as fast. They decided to fill the tank at a gas station nearby, which again had no other customers. Brendon was all too happy about this as it meant that they could get back on the road and stay on schedule. He took the next shift at the wheel, being the last shift before they were meant to reach their destination.

“Would you like to keep me company?” Brendon asked bitterly, shooting her a glare as he walked towards the cab of the bus.

“Uh, I just took a shift, but sure.” She said as she stood up from the couch, throwing her hand in from the card game they were playing. “Back soon guys.” She said back at them, eyes lingering on Spencer for a moment who smiled back warmly. He barely even gave her the time to sit down in her seat before the barrage of questions started.

“What the hell was that?” Brendon asked, clearly agitated.

“What was what?” She asked, trying her best to feign innocence.

“In the diner, I set up a great moment for you and Spence there and you shut me down. Why?” He grumbled.

“Oh, well it… it wasn’t a good time.” She said, trying to play her bad answer off as nervousness about Spencer and less about being able to think of a better excuse.

“Did you guys not talk last night?” He asked with a sigh.

“Not really. We slept.” She shrugged. He let out a groan.

“You guys are the worst…” He mumbled under his breath. “Just talk to him.”

“How, Bren? It’s not exactly an easy thing to discuss. ‘Hey, do you know I’ve been crushing on you for a few years now? Haha, fun facts, right?’ I’m pretty sure he’s not into me anyway.” She said as she looked out the passenger window. The silence hung between them for a moment and she knew he was fighting with himself over outright telling her that her opinion was wrong. He rubbed his eyes tiredly before looking back at the road.

“Just… talk to him.” He repeated, before turning up the radio.

* * *

It wasn’t long before they arrived at the Grand Canyon, things still slightly awkward between herself and Brendon. When they climbed out of the bus she was grateful for the fresh air and change of company. The six of them stood there, staring out into the vast red landscape.

“It’s uh… it’s very… big.” Jon said as he stared up and down the rock formation.

“You are not wrong.” Ryan nodded, adjusting his sunglasses.

“Spencer, didn’t you say once you used to come here a lot as a kid?” Brendon asked loudly.

“Um… a bit, I guess.”

“Want a tour of the canyon?” He asked, now turning to her. “I remember you saying you’ve never been and Mr Smith here is a great guide.” He added with a smile, trying to be nice but that mischievous glint in his eyes. “You’re up for giving a tour, right Spence?” His friend gave a silent shrug. She gave an anxious look to Spencer, who tried to maintain his look of indifference.

“Sure.” She said hesitantly, walking over to him. The two of them walked off, keeping a good amount of space between them.

They walked in comfortable silence until they were a decent distance away from the group.

“What did Brendon wanna talk to you about?” Spencer asked as he kicked a rock into the canyon, hands shoved into his pockets to force him to keep them to himself.

“He’s super pissy.” She chuckled. “I told him that we didn’t talk much, and that I thought you weren’t into me. I swear he nearly outright told me just out of pure frustration.”

“I imagine he’ll pull me aside later to ask what we did on this walk… That boy…” He shook his head.

“Isn’t he older than you?” She laughed.

“Hey! Only by a few months. And I am definitely the more mature one.” He answered proudly. He looked over at her, smiling sweetly. “I’m glad we’re here together, this place is nice.”

“It’s not bad. It’s lots of… rocks.” She said, looking around the barren landscape.

“He’s right you know… I did used to come here a fair bit as a kid. We used to drive out here for family holidays; it was only about a four-hour drive. Dad would pile us in the car before sunrise and we’d be here by mid-morning. Spend the day running around and then head home once it started getting dark. It’s a beautiful place, particularly at night. One time, Brendon and I drove out at sunset and spent the night on the hood of my crappy car, talking shit.” He smiled fondly as he looked down the sharp cliff face. “I might’ve told him then that it was my ideal spot to take a girl out. Which is probably where he got his fantastic idea of where we should road trip to.”

She looked behind them, seeing that the group were well and truly out of sight before nudging his arm with her elbow. He gave her a questioning stare, looking down to see her holding her hand out. She waved her hand slightly before he got the point, pulling his hands out of his pockets and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. He pressed a kiss to the side of her head, making her blush. “You’re awfully sweet when you want to be, Spence.” She said as she smiled down at her feet.

After a while of walking they decided they should head back to the group, once again keeping their distance. “Tell me some Grand Canyon facts, quick.” She said as they approached the group. CoHe was confused, but obliged.

“You guys took a while.” Brendon shouted in a suggestive tone as they approached.

“Did you know the bottom of the canyon is about 2 billion years old??” She asked as she walked up to him. Spencer chuckled almost silently as he walked in the other direction. Brendon looked dumbfounded. “And that it’s over 250 miles long? That’s nuts!” She said as she looked back at the landscape spread out before them. Brendon was silent for a long time before she heard him trudging off back towards the bus, making her laugh quietly.

“What’s up with him?” Ryan asked as he wandered over, taking a drag on a cigarette. She shrugged in response. “Did you make out with Spence at the canyon? He has totally wanted to do that since he was like… fourteen.” He added nonchalantly.

“A little.” She admitted. “But don’t tell Bren that.” He laughed loudly, but nodded.

“Your secret is safe with me.” He said, flicking the ash on the end of his cigarette. “Glad you guys finally sorted it.” He smiled.

“Thanks, Ry.”

* * *

The group had a small picnic lunch at the edge of the canyon and mostly sat around talking. Brendon moped a bit, but nobody really paid him any attention so eventually he stopped. Still though as he sat he kept his eyes trained on the two people who had deliberately sat at opposite ends of the group to each other, wondering where he went wrong. They got back into the bus a little after the sunset, giving themselves the moment to watch it over the canyon before setting out on the road. Spencer offered to take the first shift, expecting her to offer as his company. And she would have if she hadn’t been interrupted midway through her sentence.

“I’ll join ya, buddy!” Brendon said, already walking to the front. He slapped his friend on the shoulder as he walked past, leaving Spencer looking a bit confused as to what had happened. He shot her an apologetic look before moving into the driver’s seat. “How are things?” Brendon said with an overly large grin.

“Fine.” Spencer shrugged as he started the engine.

“Only fine?” He prodded. “You’re not having the best weekend ever because you’re trapped inside a bus and sharing a bed with the girl you’ve been into for years?” He added more quietly.

Spencer let out a short laugh as he turned onto the road. “Well that is nice, but it’s not exactly going anywhere.”

“What do you mean? Just make a move!” He suggested as he nudged his friend’s shoulder.

“You know I’m bad at that. I’m pretty sure the feeling isn’t mutual anyway.” He scratched his beard anxiously, feeling the nerves building from all the questioning. He dearly hoped it just looked like normal crushing-on-someone-nervousness. Brendon stared at him for a long moment before letting out a sigh.

“Well you’re gonna be stuck with her again tonight, so now’s gonna be your best chance.” He reminded.

“I know, I know… I make no promises though.”

Brendon groaned loudly in protest before muttering angrily under his breath. His ability to be nice about the situation was fast diminishing.

Eventually Brendon went back to the lounge, deciding that it was a better chance to try and force them together again than for him to poke at Spencer. “He asked for you.” She heard him say as he flopped back onto the couch.

“Oh?” She asked with an eyebrow raised as she met his gaze. He seemed very agitated so she figured Spencer mustn’t have said anything. She stood up and walked up to the passenger’s seat, leaning against it as she spoke. “Bren tells me you asked for me.”

“I did no such thing.” Spencer chuckled. “But your company is certainly welcome.” He added as he patted the seat next to him.

“Gladly.” She smiled as she took the seat. “What are we gonna do about him? He can only ask us so much before we’ll admit it.” She asked quietly.

“He’ll crack soon. I reckon by tomorrow morning he’ll be throwing things around. That boy can’t be patient to save his life and if he thought this great road trip plan would work, he must already be feeling like he’s running out of time.” He switched stations on the radio until he found a song he liked, drumming lightly on base of the wheel in time with the song. She watched his hands for a moment before looking up to see his blue eyes looking back at her. He grinned sheepishly, looking behind them to make sure the coast was clear before leaning over and kissing her briefly. “Head back there and send Jon up. Say you want an early night or something to piss Brendon off.” He winked.

“You’re evil.” She laughed quietly.

She walked out of the driver’s cab, Brendon’s gaze instantly flicking up to her. “I don’t know what you were talking about Bren, he said he didn’t ask for me. Jon, do you feel like taking my place? I’m beat and could go for an early night.” She said with a faked yawn. Brendon’s jaw dropped.

“Oh yeah, no problem! Rest up. You can take the last shift back into the city if you want.” He said with a dismissive wave of his hand. Ryan nodded in agreement, slipping a finger in between the pages of his book so that he could close it for a moment.

“Yeah, rest up.” Ryan repeated with a hint of a knowing smile. Jon stood up and walked to the front of the bus and she instantly heard conversation spark between the two bearded men.

“You uh… going to bed so early?” Brendon asked, trying to think of a way to put them back together. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to not show half of the stress he was feeling.

“Yeah, it’s been a hell of a trip and we walked around quite a bit today. I have too many Grand Canyon facts in my brain that I need to process.” She laughed. He went to add something else but she cut him off. “G’night! See you tomorrow guys!”

“Sleep well!” Ryan sung out, not looking up from the book in his lap.

The plan was for her to go to bed and to wait until Spencer to joined her once his turn at the wheel had finished, but he ended up getting caught up in conversations with Jon and staying later than he originally intended, so she fell asleep. Brendon had tried to stay up to eavesdrop on them but he hadn’t made it either. Spencer walked back from the driver’s seat to see Brendon drooling on the couch. He tried his best not to laugh as he came into the room at the back of the bus, closing the door quietly behind him. He turned around to see her asleep on top of the covers, her phone half hanging out of her relaxed hand on the bed. A soft chuckle escaped his lips before he kicked his shoes off and got changed into his pjs. He pulled the covers up over the two of them before falling asleep himself.

* * *

They woke up the next morning, already hearing voices outside in the lounge. Spencer gave a loud yawn, stretching his arms up above his head. She meanwhile was not half as happy to be awake, pressing her forearm over her eyes in the hope that things could stay dark.

“I would’ve thought you’d be well rested given you were asleep when I came in.” He laughed.

“Waking up is never easy.” She grumbled.

“Well, I’ll meet you out there then.” He said as placed a quick kiss to her forehead. She felt him get up off the bed and then heard the door shut behind him. It wasn’t long after that she heard the raised voice of Brendon, though what exactly he was saying she couldn’t tell. She laughed slightly as she lowered her arm, looking out the window above to see it was still early morning. After a few deliberately waited minutes, she walked out herself. It looked like Ryan and her friend must be up the front, because Jon and Spencer were playing cards while Brendon looked angry on the other end of the couch. He didn’t even look up at her when she walked in.

“How long until we arrive?” She asked as she rifled through the collective box of food they had formed on the floor of the lounge.

“Not long, about four or five hours.” Jon shrugged. “Pretty sure you and Bren are on the last shift.” He added.

“Awesome.” She said as she pulled out a muesli bar and sat on the floor. Brendon made no response, either lost in thought or too busy moping.

Soon enough it was time for them to take their spot at the wheel, and Brendon still hadn’t spoken a word. His hands were tight around the steering wheel, his knuckles going white under the pressure. He had already adjusted the radio to a volume that wasn’t ideal for conversation, so she hadn’t tried. Instead she sat there on her phone or looking out the window. The scenery had started fading from the red rocks and turning back into something resembling home. Eventually he started pulling the bus over to the side of the road, assumedly to offer a toilet break. But much to her surprise as soon as the bus had slowed to a stop he got out of his seat and grabbed her shoulder, pulling her up with him. She let out a surprised yelp but complied and walked out into the lounge with him. He dragged her down to where Spencer was sitting on the couch, who looked at the two of them wide-eyed.

“WILL YOU TWO FUCKING KISS ALREADY?” Brendon shouted angrily as he let go of her shoulder, half pushing her towards Spencer in the process. Silence hung in the room until he let out a frustrated groan.

“What?” Spencer asked him with a frown.

“You two have been into each other for ages, just get it over with for fuck sake!” He grumbled as he ran his hands up his face, pulling at his hair in slight agitation.

“Wait… you… you knew all along?” She asked with a gasp. Ryan tried to hide a laugh under his breath. Brendon was silent for a moment.

“Yes! Yes, I knew! But you two are too damn awkward to do anything!” He complained. She moved to sit next to Spencer on the couch, but Brendon was still too caught up in his own rage to notice.

“You mean to tell me that you set up this trip to deliberately make us feel awkward?” Spencer asked.

“Maybe! I don’t know! I just thought maybe you guys would finally talk.” Brendon reasoned as he started pacing around the room. Spencer wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her into his side.

“Bren, that’s so mean! Why didn’t you just tell us?” She asked.

“I thought it would be better for you to sort it out yourselves, or I dunno, something like that.” He let out a deep sigh as he stopped pacing abruptly, staring at the floor for quite a while. “Look, I’m sorry, I just-” He stopped short as he looked up at them.

He remained silent for a while, trying to piece together what had transpired in the room while he had been talking. “You guys… tricked me?” He asked after a long moment.

“Sorry, buddy. Fair’s fair.” Spencer smiled at him.

“What the fuck?!” He shouted as he sat down on the floor before flopping onto his back and sprawling out, his hands flying to his head. He let out numerous frustrated noises before they eventually turned into laughs. “I can’t believe you two. Whose idea was it?”

She raised her hand. “It’s not nice to force matchmaking, Brendon.” She smirked as he wiped his hands down his face, meeting her gaze.

“How long did it take before you two spilled your guts?”

“Five minutes into the first night.” Spencer admitted.

Brendon laughed loudly. “Knew it…” He mumbled to nobody in particular. Silence returned to the group again until Jon cleared his throat.

“Well, I’m happy for you guys.” He said with a warm smile. The two of them laughed before thanking him. Brendon spent a few minutes recovering until he sat up and looked at them on the couch, eventually having settled his thoughts enough to articulate words.

“I would like to be the best man at the wedding.”

The rest of the drive home progressed with no awkward silences, no moping Brendons and no hiding conversations under hushed whispers. Everyone was their usual happy selves and soon they arrived back at where they had started. They packed their bags and unloaded from the bus, almost sorry to see it go. Brendon tucked the keys under the front door step before walking away.

“So… Can I take you on a date?” Spencer asked as he reached out and took her hand in his.

“I’d love nothing more.” She grinned up at him. They walked together quietly, vaguely listening to the distant chattering of the rest of the group behind them; Ryan seemed to be doing most of the talking from what they could hear. Things seemed to be going well until the peaceful atmosphere was broken, as per usual, by Brendon.

“RYAN, YOU FUCKING KNEW FOR A WHOLE DAY AND DIDN’T TELL ME?!”

#Panic! At the Disco #P!ATD #Spencer Smith #Spencer Smith x Reader #sunsetinmyvein

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canyousevmyheavydirtysoul · 6 years

Text

You’re My Bodyguard, Not My Owner. (Chapter 7) (Brendon Urie x Reader)

“So, let me get this straight,” you said, pacing up and down the room with your hands in the air, thoughts running wild. “My dad discovered this blue cube – which also just so happens to be an energy source – years ago on one of his missions; he brought it back here, to SHIELD, in hopes to make sense of it, except that no one could. No one, except Agent Smith, who is now under Hydra’s control, because apparently, Hydra knows something about it that we don’t. Most likely, a way to cause mass amounts of damage. Which is why they launched that attack on HQ – so that they could steal it. What’s more is, my dad decided to name the cube ‘Snowflake’, which was also his nickname for me, hence Hydra believes that I’m the key to unlocking Snowflake’s full potential. Also, the man they sent in to steal it – and me – is the same person who killed my parents. AKA The Asset.”

“Correct,” The Director nodded.

“And why the fuck didn’t you tell me all of this months ago?”

“Language,” Agent Coulson warned, prompting you to glare at him.

“Because none of it made sense then,” The Director explained, standing up from his seat and walking over to you. “There was no indication that Snowflake and you were related at all. Until now.” He gestured to your necklace, which the tech analysts were urgently examining.

“Sir,” one of them piped up, swivelling in their chair. “It appears that there was some kind of microchip inside of it. Most of the information is nonsensical, but we’re working on it.”

“Nothing Agent (Y/L/N) did was nonsensical,” The Director hummed. “There’s something there, we just have to figure out how to look for it.”

“Well, that’s just great,” you huffed, plopping down on the leather couch in the middle of the room. “I’ve been unknowingly walking around with the secret to the end of my world around my neck for the past five years.”

“You’re lucky we took you in when we did,” Brendon added, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. “Else Hydra would’ve gotten to you before we even realised what was going on.”

“So it’s a good thing my parents were murdered then?” you snapped, shooting hateful glances at your bodyguard. “Because if they were still alive then SHIELD wouldn’t have the upper hand? Is that it?”

“That’s not what I m-“

“Whatever,” you waved your hand dismissively. “So, since I’m probably the only one who will be able to decode whatever the hell it is that my father cooked up over there, I’m guessing that I’m more of a priority now than ever. Meaning, my bodyguard over there,” you lazily pointed at Brendon, “will be more attached to me than usual, right?”

“Correct.”

“Oh, joy.”

“Can we get you anything else, Miss (Y/L/N)?”

“No, I’m fine. Thank you, agents.”

The two young agents gave a respectful nod before exiting through the nearby glass door, leaving you alone in the chilly, transparent office.

Exhaling softly, you plopped down onto one of the uncomfortably stiff desk chairs surrounding the massive glass table, drumming your fingers melodically as you stared at the tablet screen in front of you.

Deciphering the codes your father had left was easier said than done. The microchip was a treasure grove of letters and numerical values, all of which seemed like utter nonsense. Had you not known your father and his impeccable disguising skills – when it came to his work – you would’ve just written the data off as nothing of importance.

But there was something there.

Something that you and you alone would be able to detect. You just had to know where to look.

Except that it was proving to be extremely arduous, and you’d caught yourself slipping into daydreams about relaxing your aching muscles in an extra comfy bed all too often.

Blowing a raspberry with your lips, you let your head fall back before rotating it side to side in an effort to alleviate the tension in your neck. You let your arms drop down to your sides while your head remained tilted back; closing your eyes, you tried to clear your mind of the past week’s events, hoping that it would help you with the deciphering.

A fresh gust of wind breezed across your face, prompting you to open your fatigued eyes. You were met by the upside down appearance of your bodyguard; carrying two cups of what was no doubt coffee, he made his way over to you, you returning to a sitting position as he did so.

“Did you find anything?” he questioned, setting down the beverages on the table before drawing up a chair for him to sit on.

You shook your head no as you reached for a cup, sighing contently once the warm coffee cloaked your dry mouth. “Nothing.”

“It’s been three days.”

“I’m aware of that.”

“And you haven’t been able to find anything?”

“If I found something, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now, would I?” you snapped.

“Maybe you’re just not looking in the right place,” he suggested, taking a sip from his own coffee, ignoring the harsh tone of your previous comment.

“Oh, you’re right. I’ve been looking at this coded message while there’s been a detailed description telling us exactly what we need to know, right here. Silly me.”

Brendon made a noise that closely resembled a growl. “I meant that – you’re clearly looking for a specific message, hidden somewhere in the data, when maybe, you should be looking for other things. Like clues, or patterns that would make sense to you.”

“You think he left us a code within a code?” you clarified.

“Wouldn’t be the first time he’s taken extra precautions,” Brendon shrugged. “It’s worth considering.”

You kept quiet as your fingers resumed drumming on the tabletop, averting your gaze back to the screen while Brendon kept his eyes trained on you.

“Did you know him well?” you spoke, voice soft.

Brendon squinted slightly.

“My dad,” you elaborated. “Did you know him well?”

Brendon let out a huff and ran his hand through his quiffed hair, leaning back in his chair. “We worked a few missions together a couple years back, but that was it.”

You nodded, feeling slightly disappointed, although you couldn’t say why. Brendon didn’t seem like the type to get to know people more than was necessary – this was evident by the way that he treated you – and you were sure that besides Agent Smith, he kept his co-workers at a distance. He kept everyone at a distance. So his answer wasn’t at all surprising, but you were still hoping for a bit more.

“But I know that he was one of the most selfless, bravest and admirable people I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting,” Brendon added. His words shocked you. Partly because you weren’t expecting him to say any more on the subject of your father, and partly because the praiseworthiness of his words caught you off guard. While you agreed that your father was all of the things Brendon had listed, hearing it come from him – genuinely and with a noticeable tone of respect – was surprising, to say the least. “He was a fantastic agent; always going over and above what was expected of him, even when it wasn’t required of him. He saved countless lives; even mine, once or twice. I know that he loved you,” Brendon paused briefly, so that he could cross his arms on the table, “more than anything else. You were his world.”

You blinked rapidly and bit your lip, trying to fight back the tears you could feel coming along.

“He used to say that you wer-“

“The centre of his whole world,” you nodded, realisation dawning on you, making you scroll hastily through the data on the tablet in front of you, certain numbers and letters suddenly jumping out at you. “I can’t believe I didn’t notice it sooner,” you scoffed as you pushed the device away from you.

“You’ve got it?” Brendon asked, perking up.

“Yeah,” you nodded, biting your nails. “Well, not exactly.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means…,” you sighed, “that I need to go home.”

(Y/L/N) family home, Chestertown, Maryland.

You drew in a shaky breath as you gazed through the windshield of the SUV, which rounded the final corner into your street, the place you’d called ‘home’ for the better part of a decade coming into view. You hadn’t visited the house since that God-awful day three months ago, and if you had things your way, you’d never go back there ever again. It was the place where your world came tumbling down and you knew that visiting the house meant reliving the worst moment of your life all over again. But, it was for the greater good, and if there was one thing would you pride yourself on, it would be that you were always willing to make sacrifices for the greater good.

The SUV pulled into the driveway and came to a halt. You bent down slightly, allowing you to take in the exterior of the house in its entirety. It still looked exactly the same, except now it emitted an aura of grief, as if the house itself was in mourning, crying out for your dead parents. Biting your lip, you closed your eyes and took in another shaky breath, trying to mentally prepare yourself for the next little while.

The sound of someone clearing their throat snapped you out of your trance, and it was only when you turned to your right and saw your bodyguard leaning down with his hand on top of the passenger door that you realised he’d opened it for you, and he now stared at you with expectance – and, was that a hint of… concern? – on his face.

“Do you need another minute or are you ready to go inside?” he asked, his voice sounding unusually soft, as opposed to the cold, hard manner he usually spoke in.

You shook your head. “No. I-“ you sighed, trying to gather yourself. “I’m fine.”

Brendon nodded. “Good. Let’s go inside then. You never know how safe it actually is out here,” he said, the cold and hardness returning to his voice.

Stepping out of the vehicle, your boot-clad feet started slowly and unwillingly making their way toward the front door while your thoughts kept drifting back to that day, forcing you to remember the feeling of dread in your stomach when you’d pulled up and seen the black SUVs parked in the driveway. You scoffed lightly as the irony dawned on you; a few months ago, those cars had held occupants who had delivered information that killed you inside, now, they held the man who was the only reason you were still alive.

As you made your way up the front steps, you tried your best to shove the feelings of emptiness and dread from your stomach. Needless to say, it didn’t work. Instead, the more you focused on not feeling anything, the more you felt. So much so, that when you retrieved the keys from your jacket and attempted to unlock the front door, your hands were shaking so badly that you couldn’t even fit the key into the keyhole.

“Here,” Brendon said, his voice once again becoming soft. “Let me.” He gently placed his much bigger hands over your trembling ones, slipping the keys from your grasp before proceeding to open the door.

“Thank you,” you breathed. You mentally cursed yourself for your inability to even open the goddamn door without needing his help, as well as for the shakiness in your voice. While, yes, returning home stirred up thousands of emotions inside of you, you still didn’t want to show any weakness around Brendon, especially because you were one hundred percent sure that that was all he saw you as. A weak, silly, naïve girl.

He just gave a curt nod in response, holding the door open for you. As you entered the house, an intense wave of flashbacks washed over you, ranging from the very first time you ever set foot inside the house, right up until three months ago. You could hear your mother’s laugh echoing through the halls… You could smell the strong scent of your father’s cologne…

“Where should I put this?” Brendon asked, heaving two suitcases alongside him, and for once, you were thankful to your bodyguard for interrupting your thoughts.

“Uh,” you turned around, running your fingers through your hair and sighing, “Upstairs. My room is the second door on the right and the guest room is right next to it.”

He nodded and made his way up the glass staircase, leaving you to once again bathe in the nostalgia your house offered.

“So, what exactly are you looking for?” Brendon rolled up the sleeves of his black v-neck, pressing his palms onto the wooden desk in the centre of your home library.

You chose to ignore his question and continue scribbling down your notes, making sure to take down every detail in your dad’s coded message that now jumped out to you. You were now doing immensely better at decoding the message, which was, admittedly, mostly thanks to Brendon and the comment he’d made the day before, about how much you’d meant to your dad.

“Or just ignore me. That’s fine too,” he grumbled.

You rose from your chair and sprinted over to the world map that hung on the back wall of the room, leaving Brendon to pick up your notes from the desk and read over them, allowing him to finally understand what was currently going on in that head of yours. “Huh,” Brendon chuckled, running his tongue over his lips. “Centre of his whole world. Smart guy.”

“Hey, could you bring those over here? Bring a pencil too.”

Brendon made his way over to you, standing beside you with his arms folded over his chest once he’d handed the papers and pencil to you.

“In geographical terms, the centre of the Earth is right… here,” you spoke marking Çorum, Turkey with a cross on the map. “Coordinates 40 degrees 52 minutes north, 34 degrees 34 minutes east. Then…” you ruffled through your papers, searching for the correct information. “That’s plus 7 degrees 54 minutes north… and… minus 25 degrees 24 minutes east, which gives us… coordinates 48 degrees 46 minutes north, 9 degrees 10 minutes east. And that places us at…”

“Stuttgart, Germany,” Brendon finished your sentence for you as you circled the city, a broad smile on your face, before stepping back and sighing in relief. “Alright, we’ve got a city… now what?”

“Now…” you trailed off, spinning on your heels and making your way to the biggest bookshelf in the room, running your fingers along the spines of the books as your eyes scanned the rows for the one book you were looking for. Your fingers stopped on a brown, leather-bound book, and you removed it from the shelf, dropping it onto the desk and sitting down to page through it.

“I don’t understand,” Brendon furrowed his eyebrows and took a seat opposite you. “What does a family holiday album have to do with any of this?”

“It has nothing to do with any of this,” you shrugged. Using all of your strength, you began tearing the book at the spine, which in turn, allowed the key hidden inside to drop onto the desk with a metallic clunk. Smirking, you held the key up and turned to look at Brendon. “But this does.”

_______________________________________________________________________Thank you for reading x

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#brendon urie #brendon urie x reader #bodyguard!brendon #bodyguard #marvel #patd #p!atd #panic at the disco #panic! at the disco #imagine #imagines #fanfic

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former-up-brendons-ass · 7 years

Text

girl that you love

requested: yes

smut: yes

word count: 2.9k

pairing: Dallon weekes x reader

warnings: angry dallon, jealousy, strong language, oral sex, unprotected sex, choking, spanking, dirty talk, overall LOTS of sin.

A/N: I loved writing this so much. I had a lot of trouble with what I wanted done with it because I originally posted it via mobile but I finally fixed it lmao. anyways enjoy this very angry, jealous just straight up FILTH dallon ;;;;;)

I sighed, beginning to become absolutely bored out of my mind.

I'd been at this stupid party with the band for a while now and there was no one that I knew in sight. Except for the boys of course, but Dallon was so wrapped up in whatever conversation he was having with Zack and Kenny that he wasn't paying any attention to me. I had no clue where Brendon or Spencer were either, and whenever Dallon got into conversations with Zack and Kenny he'd always leave me out of it, just like he was doing right now.

"Yeah, it's quite funny actually, the guy who was an extra in that film actually..." I rolled my eyes as Dallon pulled out his signature trivia facts that always fascinated everyone else. I loved when he'd do it to me, the way his eyebrows would furrow just slightly as he was trying to remember all the details about it. The man had an incredible memory for very unimportant facts to just spout off at any given time but it seemed like he was forgetting all about his long term girlfriend standing right next to him, very clearly annoyed.

"Dallon, come dance with me," I said, leaning against his shoulder and kissing his neck, practically hanging onto his arm, but he shrugged me off, giving me an annoyed look.

"Y/N, not now," he huffed, taking a sip of his drink and turning back to Zack, who was now going on about some other cast members in whatever film they were talking about. I rolled my eyes and finally gave up, walking away to sit down on a couch nearby and pout for a little while. I'd dressed up in a tight little dress thinking it would drive him crazy and he'd hardly even looked twice at me all night. I didn't know what else to do to get his attention. He'd been so wrapped up in band stuff or just standing around talking with Zack that I had hardly seen any of him in the past week, coming home late from the studio at nights to a cold plate of dinner I'd left for him, having gone to bed just to be waken up by him finally getting into bed, lazily wrapping an arm around my waist just to be gone before I was awake in the morning and I was getting sick of it. I know he's busy and he's got a lot going on but I have needs too and he was really failing to meet them as a boyfriend who supposedly took this relationship seriously.

I stood up and decided to needed to blow off some steam and had intentions on going outside for a few minutes even though it would piss Dallon off to know that i was outside in the dark by myself, when I saw Brendon standing nearby all by himself, sipping at his drink and looking around at everyone. He locked eyes with me, and smiled a little before approaching me and setting his drink down. I felt relief wash over me to see my best friend and finally have someone coming over to talk to me.

"Hey," he said. "It's good to see a familiar face in here for once. I've been wandering around like a lost puppy for about 20 minutes now running into people I've never met that want to chat with me."

"Yeah, tell me about it," I rolled my eyes. "I don't even know why I bothered coming to this."

"Why? What's wrong?" He asked, tilting his head to the side in confusion.

"I don't know anyone here," I sighed. "And between you and me, Dallon has been practically ignoring me for the past week and I was hoping that tonight he'd actually pay attention to me but he's over there talking to Zack about something like always."

"Do you want me to talk to him?" He asked and I shook my head.

"It's no use," I replied. "I've tried everything and he has no interest at all. It's like suddenly everything else is more important to him than me."

"Come on, Y/N, you know that's not true," he said. "I've got an idea. If he can't realize he's missing out then you've got to show him."

"Tried that already too," I crossed my arms. "Do you not see the slutty dress I'm wearing? He's hardly looked twice at me."

"No," he shook his head. "Just trust me on this." He leaned in and took my waist in his hand, and I gave him a questioning look but he just continued to pull me away to dance with him.

"Are you sure Dallon isn't going to get pissed at you for this?" I asked, hesitantly allowing my arms to wrap around his shoulders while he glanced over at Dallon, pulling my body almost flush against his and moving to the beat of the song with me.

"He'll be fine," he replied, turning to me and smirking. "Worst that'll happen is he'll call me a dick and tell me to stay away. He knows we're close."

I prayed that Brendon's plan would work, and decided to loosen up a little and dance with him. Before I even knew it, I wasn't worried about the lack of attention I was getting from Dallon and was just having a good time dancing with Brendon. He was being slightly goofy but intentionally flirty, just like how his personality was. Brendon turned me around, grinding against me and I laughed, our closeness didn't make it awkward at all and I knew that if this didn't make Dallon fume from where he was talking to Zack, nothing would. I went along with Brendon's flirting and grinding, turning and seeing Dallon's stiff figure from the corner of my eye, not the usual relaxed composure that he had. I smirked and pushed my ass back against Brendon a little more, and his grip on my hips tightened.

"I'm really sorry if this gets you into trouble with him," Brendon said in my ear and suddenly I was yanked away from him by a very strong, large hand wrapped around my arm and was being dragged away from Brendon, looking to see that Dallon's jaw was set as he pulled me away from the rest of the party and into a dark hallway, finally letting go of my arm and glaring at me as he cornered me against the wall.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" He snapped.

"I was having fun because my boyfriend doesn't know how to pay attention to me apparently," i snapped back, crossing my arms as I looked up at him, and steam practically shot out of his ears.

"So you think that grinding all over Brendon was the right way to go about this situation?" He said angrily.

"I sure can put on a show, can't I?" I asked, smirking and Dallon's face changed again before I shoved past him and walked away, his hand wrapping around my wrist and pinning me back against the wall.

"Don't think you're going to get away with this, Y/N," he growled, and I pulled away again before walking back out into the party. He couldn't leave now as much as he probably wanted to because he still had speeches and thank you's to wait through for another half hour at least.

I spent the rest of the night flaunting myself around, knowing that Dallon was finally watching me and making sure I was behaving myself. He wasn't happy with me and I knew I'd have his wrath to deal with when we got home that night. Brendon didn't bother trying to push his limits with me, knowing that Dallon could throw him across the bar if he really wanted to, and he was wrapped up talking to Spencer about something anyways. I was fine being by myself at this point. I wanted Dallon to know exactly how it felt to want attention and not get it.

After all the thank you speeches and all had been done, everyone went back to partying like they were before. This was when Dallon grabbed my arm again and pulled me towards the exit.

"Come on, it's time to go home," he said as he pulled me very forcefully.

"What if I want to stay and hang out more?" I asked, crossing my arms and pulling away.

"Y/N." Dallon gave me a warning look and grabbed my wrist again, pulling me towards the exit and out to his car. I finally gave in and climbed into the front seat, Dallon getting in and beginning to drive back to our house. It was deafeningly silent the entire way back, and when we got inside I took off my shoes and went back to our bedroom to change and go to bed.

"I'm going to ask you one time, and that's it," Dallon said, entering the bedroom as I dropped my purse and keys on the bed and crossed my arms to look at him.

"What?" I asked.

"What made you think that any of what you were doing with Brendon was okay?" He said, clearly trying to hold back anger.

"We were just dancing," i said. "He's my best friend."

"You were practically fucking with clothes on!" He yelled. "How is that 'just dancing,' Y/N?"

"I'm so sorry for trying to have a good time when my boyfriend has been ignoring me for everyone else," I snapped.

"You cannot just start grinding all over other men, especially not one of my bandmates!" He stepped closer to me but I didn't move.

"I can do whatever I want." I stared him down as he didn't reply, just slowly walked closer to me until he was towering over me and leaned down to speak directly to me.

"You're going to listen to what I have to say," he said, his tone quiet and even. "You've been misbehaving horribly and you need to pay for what you did. Take off your clothes and lay on the bed."

I stared at him for a moment, completely shocked with how his mood shifted so suddenly and how he was reacting to this whole thing.

"Did I fucking stutter, slut? Strip." He said, a little bit louder and stepped back far enough to allow me room to undress. I unzipped my dress down the side so I could step out of it, kicking off my heels and looking back at Dallon hesitantly, who was standing and watching me with his arms crossed, facial expression unreadable. I reached behind my back to unhook my bra, tossing it aside and finally moving down to remove my panties. Dallon remained where he was until I climbed back onto the bed and laid back in front of him. He finally stepped forward and loosened his tie, taking it off altogether and unbuttoning the top couple buttons of his shirt.

"First, I'm going to spank you to punish you for misbehaving and mouthing off so much tonight," he said, taking off his belt and holding it in his hands. "Or I suppose I could use this. Turn around and get on your hands and knees."

I obliged quickly, my heart pounding and wetness already beginning to collect between my thighs. I pushed my ass out towards him, silently begging for any kind of touch from him. I heard him chuckle under his breath and then felt a sharp pain against my rear end, the crack of the belt sounded against my skin and I gasped, holding back a moan as I felt his warm hand rub against the cheek that he'd struck.

"Do not make a sound," he said, pulling his hand away and whipping my ass with the belt again. I bit my lip as the stinging spread to my other cheek. After another couple whips, Dallon tossed his belt aside and rubbed my red skin tenderly with his hand.

"Good girl," he said, leaning down and kissing my shoulder. His hand trailed down between my thighs and his finger rubbed against my folds, circling around the arousal that had collected throughout his punishment. "Goddamn, you're already so wet for me. You dirty little slut." He pulled his hand away, much to my dismay and stepped back to unbutton the rest of his shirt and pull his pants down. "Get over here and put that mouth to better use than sassing me."

I moved eagerly off the bed as Dallon pulled his boxer briefs down to reveal his growing erection. I got down on my knees in front of him and gently wrapped my hand around his member, licking underneath from the base to the tip, and sucked on the tip for a moment before taking more of him into my mouth.

Dallon's hand grabbed a handful of my hair and pushed himself further into my mouth. "That's right. You look much better like this than you do giving me attitude, you little slut," he growled, thrusting into my mouth and hitting the back of my throat while he slowly fucked my mouth. I looked up at him to see him bite his lip and tilt his head back slightly, a small moan sounding from his throat. I moaned back in response, turned on by how godly he looked when I was pleasuring him.

"Get back on the bed," he said, pulling himself out of my mouth and I obeyed, immediately crawling back onto the bed and laying down in front of him. He pulled my legs to the edge of the bed and spread my thighs apart, eyeing up the obvious wetness that had soaked all over my inner thighs. "Since you've been a good girl for me so far, I'm going to reward you but you don't touch me or make a sound, got it?" I nodded quickly, eager for some sort of relief and allowed him to use his hands to hold my thighs apart, licking up the wetness on my thighs slowly before making his way to my aching core. I took a deep breath in and sighed when his tongue finally circled my clit and lapped up and down my folds. I grabbed fistfuls of the blankets under me as he continued to lick and suck, my knees weak and back arching off the bed. He suddenly used one hand to push 2 fingers into my entrance and tease my walls, slowly pumping them in and out while he used his tongue on my clit. A small whimper fell from my lips and he suddenly stopped, biting down on my thigh quickly.

"I said don't make a sound," he said, looking up at my face. "Do you want me to fuck you?"

"Yes Dallon," i said, and he pulled away, a smirk evident on his face as he stood up.

"You sure you don't want Brendon to fuck you?" He asked. "I could call him and see if he can give you a better fuck than I can."

"No Dallon, i only want you," i said. "Please fuck me."

"I can't hear you."

"Dallon, please fuck me," I practically yelled. He climbed over me and pushed himself into me without any warning, and started immediately pounding into me at a steady pace before I had time to adjust. I gasped as he pinned my hips against the bed with his, one hand wrapping around my throat and squeezing slightly. I gasped for air while he continued fucking me relentlessly, my hands still grabbing the blankets underneath me, a small amount of sweat forming on both of us.

"You like being choked like the dirty little slut that you are, don't you?" He grunted, I could only whimper in response. "Brendon will never be able to fuck you as good as I can."

Before I even knew it, I could feel my orgasm approaching and Dallon continued his pace, fast and rough, letting go of my throat so he could grab my hips in his hands, digging his fingers into the skin and for sure leaving bruises the size of his fingerprints. I dug my nails into his back and pulled him closer as he bit down onto my neck, my back arching against him. The heat pooling in my stomach was growing more and more with every thrust, moans, curse words and Dallon's name falling from my lips as I chased my release.

"I'm so c-close," I moaned out, Dallon's grip on my body tightening and his pace quickening even more as I felt my body quake and tumble over the edge. I let out a loud moan as my back arched against the bed and my walls spasmed around him. He continued his fast pace to ride out my orgasm and chase his own. Before long his hips stuttered and his mouth fell open, a moan falling from it as the warmth of his load pooled inside me and he thrusted a few more times before slowing to a stop and collapsing on top of me.

Our sweaty bodies laid tangled up with each other for a moment while we caught our breath and he finally rolled off of me and pulled me into his arms, allowing me to nuzzle up against his neck.

"I'm sorry I haven't been paying much attention to you this week," he sighed. "I know I've been busy but I shouldn't have just blown you off like I did."

"I'm sorry for basically using Brendon to make you jealous," I replied. He smiled down at me and kissed my forehead, tugging me even closer.

"Not that I ever want to see it again, but if it was anyone other than Brendon, they would have been on the ground in an instant."

#dallon weekes smut #dallon weekes #panic! at the disco #panic! at the disco smut #brendon urie #brendon urie smut #brallon #brallon smut

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munchbunch97 · 7 years

Text

An Open Letter From a Small Bi Human

Hi hello this is a bit of a personal thing but hey hoooo, if you don’t want to read this it’s really okay. I just want to talk about religion and my relationship with it.

I’m a member of the LGBTQ+ community I am also a Muslim.

From the age of twelve I have not really prayed and I began to question my beliefs in god. Around this time of my life I slowly started to realise that my feelings for women aren’t “normal”. I believe that deep down I knew I wasn’t straight but I was terrified of it. So I berried it deep. I live in Saudi so twice a year we’d receive talks in school that were very anti gay and trans. I grew up being taught that gay sex leads to your anus to lose it’s muscle strength and that lesbians raped people. I was never introduced to the term bisexual until high school. I was taught that if you wanted to be gay you had to pick a side. Either you were with god or against him. Either you loved your sinning self or you love god. There is no in between. It is black and white.

So since I’m queer I can’t be Muslim, right? The answer to my small 12 year old body, I believe, was yes. I knew I wasn’t like everybody else and I knew that that meant I couldn’t feel as spiritual as them.

I’ve also been struggling with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I hated myself and looked for anyone who could validate me and I didn’t feel like that was going to happen in my home life. Then came music.

I always saw people crying in the mosque praying to god, shaken, and I always wondered why I never felt like that until the day my thirteen year old self heard Bohemian Rhapsody for the first time. I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I loved it so much. I felt like I’d never heard anything that made me feel like that before. I was in a hotel room in Syria crying on the bed listening to the guitar solo on repeat. And that’s when I decided I loved music.

I made it a goal that I was going to learn how to sing and I did. Pretty much all day, no matter how I felt, I sang. And the more I did the better I got. I started writing and I was so proud of myself. Then one day in Art class I joked with my friend that I was going to go on Arab Idol and she just stopped everything she was doing and told me to stop, “You want to bring shame to your entire country?” and I realised that this wasn’t an option, this is something I couldn’t do. I don’t hate my friend, I’m not mad at her, she was young and grew up and the toxic environment that I did.

I stopped writing music then but for some reason I couldn’t stop myself from singing even though I felt like dying most of the time. Music has saved me when no one else could. I love it more than anything because when I was struggling with mood swings and a constant racing heart it was the only constant in my life.

When I got into high school my mental health got worse. I fell into a much deeper depression that reached it’s lowest in my year. I couldn’t sleep, I was self harming, my grades struggling, basically I was a cliche. And my friends started to notice and worry, they sat me down and said they were worried about me. That’s when I realised, fully, this isn’t what everyone goes through.

That year I dug my nails into my skin, took pain killers, overate, starved myself, isolated myself... Any way I could hurt myself was fair game. Because it was a release for all my frustration. I was angry and hurting and I couldn’t fix it. I was stuck and felt like I always will be.

Until the day in my bathroom, with a handful of pills and no more hope. I sat there for what must have been an hour just starring at my hand. A million thoughts running through my head. Will I do it? Why wouldn’t I? It would all be over. I would be done. Until it clicked in my head, I hadn't written a note. I was going to end it all and I hadn’t even written a note. I was going to leave my mother, my friends, everyone I loved without a reason. I was going to leave them blaming themselves, wondering if they could have done more. I was going to make them suffer because I forgot to write a note. I flushed the pills down the toilet. And sobbed.

They always tell you that killing yourself isn’t the answer, that you’ll pull through whatever you’re going through but they never tell you about the shame that’ll follow you for not going through with it. I felt like a failure for not being able to let it all go and just die.

One day I was looking through YouTube trying to make my friend a mix CD. I came across this band called Panic! At the Disco. They were weird and I didn’t know how I felt about them. But as the time passed I fell in love with them more and more. I began dissecting the lyrics in my room. I looked up to Brendon Urie so much. This weird, ridiculous band helped light that spark I had as a kid just a little bit again. And the song Girls/Girls/Boys helped making me feel a little bit okay with being not as straight as I wanted to be.

A few months afterwards, I “jokingly” came out as bisexual to one of my friends. “Don’t say that, you’re not one of those people.” Needless to say I went so deep in that closet I was in freaking Narnia. Again I’m not mad at my friends for anything they have said in the past. I understand the environment they were raised in because I was raised in it too.

After high school I felt very lonely because I went to a university all on my own and the friends I had for the past six years (at that time) were scattered all over the country and even the world. I had to learn to make friends which didn’t go very well because I look very different and people treated me like an outsider. So that`s when I turned to the internet.

Back then I was a huge fan of Dan and Phil, and I met a group of young people that helped me accept a label I thought fit me at the time, asexual. I think I was so scared of the idea of being attracted to the same sex that I denied myself all attraction. These women, man, and gender fluid human validated me in a way I had never experienced before. They loved me and thought I was funny and talented and didn’t care what I was. If I said I think a girl was cute they wouldn’t call me a “lesbo” they would actually join in. After a while we drifted apart but their kindness will stay with me forever.

After a while I saw this boy online called Vincent. He was one of the prettiest boys I had ever seen. I crushed on him hard. One day he posted on his blog that he wanted to make new friends and I sent him a stupid message saying that I would love to be his friend. We started talking and I found out he was asexual too. I really liked him and the more I talked to him the more I liked him. Then he told me about this guy he really liked... and boy oh boy had I ever felt heartbreak like that before? nope! (JK it lasted a day and I was over it I’m just dramatic). But I decided to encourage him to go for it and that’s how we got closer as friends.

After a while I realised I didn’t feel like the label I used fit me anymore. But I was terrified he would hate me because I had somehow lied to him. When I told him his response was so... chill. “Oh okay, that’s cool.” That was it. He was so okay with it and that was exactly what I needed. For a while I went without having a label and slowly became more comfortable with the label Bisexual.

I also became very close with two other people, Nea and Jamie. Both of them mean the world to me. Thy have helped and continue to help with my depression and constant struggle with my sexuality and gender identity.

Through this time all three of my new friends encouraged me to upload my covers online. I started covering Panic! songs pretty regularly and through that I befriended Beth.

Beth is someone who I owe so much to. When we became friends she told me she made music and I just fell in love with everything she made. I really looked up to her. I found her so talented and interesting so when she believed in me and told me that I should start writing music I took it as my fucking life mission. I kept getting better and she was always there for me when it came to both music and life. She taught me everything I know about music and reminded me just how much I loved it. She gave me a sense of purpose I had forgotten I had.

Skip a year forward and Pulse happened. I had never felt so shaken to my core like I did that day, any little sense of security and faith I had in the western world for people like me was gone. With the shooting came the pretending I wasn’t hurt, I was stripped away from my right to mourn because of my society. I had to listen to someone I loved say that he “doesn’t condone the shooter’s actions but he wishes he could burn all those people alive” and I had to laugh. Like it was a joke. The fact that this person that I care about would burn me alive if he knew. It hurt so much. Every part of me hurt. But I wasn’t allowed to show that hurt.

But when my younger brother made a joke about me being gay I just broke. It was only us together so I stood in the middle of the H&M and stared him in the eye and the words just left me. “I’m bisexual” I just said it. He was shocked and didn’t know what to say. He said that he loved me even though he didn’t agree with it. And that may sound awful to someone on the outside but there was nothing more comforting.

After that I came out to my two best friends, their response was the same as my brother except for the fact that apparently it was obvious to them. Which isn’t ideal but at least they don’t hate me. Ayy?

I’m not sure what the point to all this is. I know my story isn’t particularly special. I am just a human being struggling with my religious identity and my sexual one. I don’t have the answers to all the questions I have. All I can say is one thing, it’s okay to be unsure. It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to still be figuring it out. I still live in Saudi and I’m very closeted when it comes to my every day life. But the idea that I am somehow living a lie is so untrue. I am still me and my sexuality isn’t all of me. There are people who won’t care who you love. You will eventually find your safe space, it took me 18 years but I wouldn’t trade those people for anything. I believe in you if you’re reading this. You get to live your life the way you want to. You get to believe in what you want to. And I promise you, you will be okay. We’re all broken a little and that’s why we need each other.

I love you all and stay safe,

#this is long #i'm sorry #em talks #pride #muslim pride #tw substance abuse #tw sucide #tw homophobia #tw death #tw depression #long post

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repressed-to-impress · 7 years

Note

The rainbow with grey, white, and black on the end!!

omG hi fren! this for you,, my lord,, with love 💖

Red ~ 5 facts about my best friend

how about I do 5 facts about my good old fren ………..steve

一　when I first met you I was like: wow I like this person,, I want to be their friend (and now look: frens!)

二 *stalks your tumblr every morning as soon as I wake up rather than being a productive human being and functioning member of society*

三 You have the best hair out of everyone that I know (except maybe k80). Honestly, I get more compliments from people about your hair than I do about my hair 😂

++You also have the best taste in music out of everyone I know. Congrats, you are the most emo!!

四 pretty sure more people think were dating than people who don't

五 I message you more than I message anyone else. Even if you were to combine like 3 of my other frens, you’d still win.

Orange ~ 6 facts about my home town

一　the twenty one pilots song is better ngl

二　we have a kinda shitty lake that you’d probably contract like 4 STIs from if you were to ever swim in it

三　one good thing about it is that every september they have gay pride events on for like a week in and around the city

四　if you watch literally any New Zealand film they probably talk shit about it at least once. at least.

五　#1 stop for car sale yards

六　My home is in this town

Yellow ~ 7 facts about my childhood

一 I was raised to be really religious but now I’m just really gay

二 was taught to disregard my feelings and repress them and now I’m depressed whoops

三 I was the really smart kid.

四 I don’t really remember that much lmao

五 I had a crush on pink when I was about 6

六 apparently I went up to my aunt once and gave her a flower and said: “Chris said to give this to you. He doesn’t want you to be sad anymore.” a few weeks after her boyfriend, Chris, died.

七 I remember saying: draco malfoy is kinda cute and my mum replying: thank god you’re straight (c. 2007)

Green ~ 8 facts about my body

一 I had these two stretch marks on my thigh and they decided they wanted to be friends so now they’re connected *boop*

二 According to a lot of people I have really soft hands? So everyones like wow let me touch your hands and I’m like ??Ok. Despite this I only hold hands with like 2 people. sigh.

三 I have a freckle thing on my left shoulder.

四 I have a single ab, it is very precious to me.

五 i’m lowkey very self conscious,,,

六 I have a fivehead so i’m pretty sure Brendon Urie is my biological father

七 I’m right handed

八 ain’t got no tits lol

Blue ~ 9 3 facts about my family

ima add the other 6 to other questions

一 I have two younger (half) sisters

二 One of them is like 5 years younger than me but the same height (and i’m 5 7″ yikes)

三 Just found out my cool aunty was a huge fall out boy + my chem fan back in the day and I am s h o o k

Purple ~ 10 5 facts about my room

yikes okay thats a lot how about 5

一 I have a lot of shit everywhere, on everything, over everything, inside everything. It’s a mess but so am I so it’s fine.

二 I really want to decorate my room bc it’s very plain. Also kinda pink and ew.

三 I just noticed someone put a mason jar on my dresser and I never saw it there before.

四 I have a stack of The Sims 3+4 games

五 I spend a lot of time in here, in my bed, in the warm, listening to music + looking at memes.

Pink ~ 4 facts about my parents

一 Brendon Urie is my dad

二 Gerard Way is also my dad

三 Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun are also my dads

四 I have a lot of dads

Grey ~ 2 7 facts about my favourite things

gotta add the 5 from the other thing

一 I like it when cats sit on me and purr and get all comfy its like

二 Also favourite thing: when you hold someone’s hand and their hand fits so nicely in your hand,,,

三 hot chocolates + gingernut biscuits are the literal best

四 you

五 watching the sun set over the ocean, I did it once and i’ve always wanted to do it again.

White ~ 3 5 facts about my personality

+2 because I have a great personality

一 I’m good at giving hugs

二 Apparently i’m really nice and approachable? despite me being terrified of human interaction??

三 According to like 2 adults I have very good leadership skills and i’m very intuitive???

四 Not gonna lie, i’m actually very stupid at times. If anyone ever wants to tell me something, like, if they’re trying to hint at something, chances are i’m not going to catch on. either that or i’m not confident enough to allow myself to do so or just be like: nah…. they ain’t… they ain’t serious… that ain’t what they mean

五 I like memes

Black ~ 1 5 facts about the person I like

~should probably put in some actual facts rather than just me gushing lmao~

一 I’ve liked them for like… a few months? (I’m kidding I know the exact time period) and it has been some of the best x amount of months.

二 could drag me through hell if it meant I could hold her hand (again)

三 TALENTED as HECK

四 fact: should love me back so we can hold hands and adopt puppies and live happily ever after

五 my taste in music is your face

if you would like to know more about this person, inquire here.

and, thats a wrap. I do hope you enjoyed.

much love, your fair lady, pebble 💞.

#me #personal

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brallonsin · 7 years

Text

http://beeisatthedisco.livejournal.com/892.html

Chapter two: Burn Down The Disco At streetlamps hour on a very boring Saturday, Dallon and I decide to leave our tiny apartment. I lock the door behind us and follow him a couple of blocks to a new bar he’s been raving about. It’s only just opened and he thinks that one day it’s going to have a guest list to get in, so we should make ourselves known there, apparently. We walk beneath the moonlight, it’s there, very lightly, mostly hidden by the bright lights of New York City below it but I can still make out the moon if I look hard enough. “Holy smokes, you’re gonna love it here, Brendon, I went with Spence and Gabe last night and it rocked. There were cute guys on the bar making these amazing cocktails I’ve never even heard of and every one there seemed so… cool and gosh, Brendon, we might meet some famous people, it’s gonna be the new hot spot, oh, I love New York!” He’s babbling but it’s cute, I smile up at him, so tall and enthusiastic and he’s throwing his long limbs around as he speaks. He’s right, too, New York is so different to Utah, our hometown. Utah is so closed minded and hateful and… stubborn. New York is open, beautiful and understanding. New York has never punished him for loving men. Not yet. The bouncer on the door nods at Dallon, recognising him from last night and it is a new club, after all. The smell of perfume, aftershave and sweat hits us before the smoke machine does as we walk in, it clouds over the both of us and all I can see is Dallon Weekes’s big stupid grin poking out the top of the smoke. I hum in approval at the choice of music as Morrisseys voice drones over the speakers. ‘Burn down the disco Hang the blessed DJ Because the music that they constantly play Says nothing to me about my life’ “Brendon, hermaso!” an excited voice comes as Gabriel Saporta’s long arms pull me into them, he’s stupidly tall too and my nose hits his chest in our embrace. He always throws Spanish words into english sentences, he thinks it makes him sound more interesting. I hug him back, giving him a small smile and backing back against the bar, knowing not to be too friendly with Gabe or he will try and take me home again. Or to the toilets, that’s happened before too. “Shit…” He’s suddenly distracted, I turn around to inspect why his eyes have now turned to saucers and oh. Oh. Mine are saucers now too. The boy from work is there, right there and dang… he’s in another fancy suit but looks more relaxed, hair combed perfectly into a quiff and rolling a cigarette in his fingers, at least I think it’s a cigarette. No girl this time. That’s too bad. I’m grinning. And wait, does Gabe know him? “Who is it?” I press, Dallon and Spencer have turned to look now too, not that he’d notice, too involved in conversation with another freakishly tall man that has pretty girl hair and sharp cheekbones.  “Who is it?! That’s Ryan Ross, the Ryan Ross… he owns most of New York! Oh! This is probably his club, look at him, he owns this place for sure. Oh, don’t look at him like that Urie, he’d chew you up and spit you out. Rumour has it he dates who he wants, when he wants and people disappear when he’s done with them…” I roll my eyes because great, another big ego in a world of egotistical maniacs. No thank you. He’s pretty too, it’s a shame. “I’m getting a drink…” I review the cocktail menu briefly before ordering myself an old fashioned. I take out my wallet to pay before I hear a voice in my ear. “I’ve got it, pretty, put your money away…” The voice is velvety and smooth, low but without being gravelly and I melt. I haven’t gotten laid in a while so I smile and accept it, putting my wallet in my pocket before turning around to thank the kind stranger. “Thank you, I’m… oh.” My throat feels dry as I look up into Ryan’s eyes, so that’s what they look like. Shit. He should never wear sunglasses. It should be a crime. The bartender passes my drink to Ryan and he doesn’t have to pay for it. Maybe he does own the joint. He’s even more beautiful unclose and I’ve forgotten how to speak. God, Brendon, play it cool, he’s just another asshole who thinks he can get anyone, Gabe even said it. Don’t let him get you. “Your name is… oh? Mine is Ryan.” Ryan grins, clearly amused as he passes me my drink and crosses his arms over. A stunned silence surrounds our friend group and I look from Gabe to Dallon to Spencer with wide eyes for help but I’m just met with shrugs and shaking heads, great, they’re all intimated too. “No… uh. It’s Brendon.” I correct, fixing my shirt and pulling it lower because he smells good and he’s too close and my pants feel tight. Of course they find him intimidating, he has that air around him, he’s not as tall as all of my weirdly tall friends but he’s tall enough and he stands proud. He licks his lips. I’m fucked. “I know that. Saw it on your name tag today. You work in that lingerie store for the discount?” He smirks and he’s eating me up with his eyes. I don’t know if he’s mocking me or if he’s getting off to imagining me in tiny lace panties. His look is dark and it could be either. Or both. Suddenly the tall man I saw him with earlier walks out from the bathrooms, throwing his arms around Ryan and I hold back a disapproving glare as he kisses his beautiful, chiseled cheek. Gabe wolf whistles at him, looking him up and down and within a second Ryan is in my friends face, fists tight.  “Dont. William is mine and one more derogatory noise from your mouth around him and you’re out. You here me? Out from here and every other gay bar in the area. And you won’t be back.” He all but snarls as he pulls away, tugging Will with him as they walk to the VIP area, he turns back to give me a little grin. What a fucking mindfuck. “Asshole…” Gabe whispers, too quiet for anyone except us to hear as he watches Ryan and William walk up the stairs to the VIP area and slip into one of the booths, a curtain covering them. Gabe’s pride is clearly knocked but he gets over it, chanting ‘shots’ and clapping to the music, soon distracted by a pretty shot boy carrying alcohol on a tray and handing them out. I take one. It burns. I use the drink Ryan got me to chase it. * * * 3am. We’re singing and swaying and I can’t get him out of my mind. I want to dislike him with everything in me but I can’t. I’m just intrigued, I want to know more. His honey-coloured eyes burn into my brain and shit, I don’t think I’ll ever rid the memory of them. He was wearing eyeliner, it made him look even more feminine which is really sexy combined with that arrogant, masculine persona he carries. The glow of neon is hurting my eyes in the best way when I tell my friends I’m going to the bathroom and I’ll be right back. I don’t realise that I’m being followed. I don’t need the toilet, I’m just a sweaty dude right now and I need to dab my face, I grab some tissues and pat them over my skin, looking at myself in the mirror. Another body presses behind me and I freeze. The face that hooks over my shoulder is familiar and some large hands are holding my hips.  “Fancy seeing you here…” I gulp, eyes meeting Ryan’s gorgeous honey dripped ones in the mirror. Kill me now. I can’t take this. He’s watching his hands work over my hips and he seems to like the sight. I want him to bend me over the sink and fuck me right in front of the large mirror, right here, where anyone could walk in and catch us. I wonder if he could even get in trouble for that, by the sounds he couldn’t get in trouble for anything. Apparently he can because he immediately lets go of my hips and backs off when he hears the door open and he gives me a look that says ‘maybe next time…’ before slipping away again. He always slips away. I walk back out and Dallon's grinning at me when I come over to them.  “He’s the guy, isn’t he? The one you won’t stop talking about. Golly, B, you’re like a lovesick puppy around him… don’t let him hurt you, okay? I don’t wanna have to pick up any pieces…” I cut his babbling off with a sharp tone. “I’m not! I don’t care about Ryan fuckin’ Ross and his too good for everyone attitude. I’m not going to be another tick on his “to do” list.” I sigh, rubbing his arm as I didn’t mean to shout. I just. I’m not. I’m not easy and I can’t be bought with drinks and sexy looks. “Sorry. Maybe we should go.” I don’t want to, the more drunk I get, the more I want to stay and gaze at Ryan but when I see him with his tongue down Williams throat and begin to imagine that it’s me… I decide that leaving probably was the better idea. We walk. Stumble… home.

#ryden #ryan ross #brendon urie #dallon weekes #fanfiction

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pathetic-at-the-disco · 6 years

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The Tragic Love Life of Ryan Ross: Part 3 (Masterpost)

(Continued from Parts 1 and 2; click here to see all)

So, you may have heard about Keltie Colleen.

There is a lot of discourse on the Internet about the unfortunate former relationship between Ryan Ross and Keltie Colleen (now known as Keltie Knight), largely because of Keltie’s tell-all book, Rockettes, Rockstars, and Rockbottom, which she released only a year after their breakup. Is Ryan a terrible person? Is Keltie a terrible person? Who cheated on who? How does the Young Veins’ music play into everything? What about Ryan’s 21st birthday party? Who is really the victim here?

Let’s dive right in, shall we?

(Warning: Extremely long post ahead. Viewer discretion is advised.)

It’s late August in 2006. Panic! at the Disco’s hit single ”I Write Sins, Not Tragedies” has been nominated for several awards---Best Group Video, Best New Artist in a Video, Best Rock Video, Best Art Direction in a Video, and most impressively Video of the Year---at the MTV Video Music Awards. They are also scheduled to perform the song live as part of the show.

Keltie Colleen, a 24-year-old Canadian professional dancer, lands a coveted role as a backup dancer for a band that she has never heard of at the VMAs.

A few days before the show, all of the dancers have a rehearsal with the band present, as immortalized in this video:

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Keltie is the blonde dancer who starts talking at around 1:30.

This episode is also immortalized in Keltie’s book, Rockettes, Rockstars, and Rockbottom (referenced from now on as RRR):

“A few days before the show, the band came to Chelsea Studios and watched us rehearse. The lead singer’s pants were tight and he wore Reebok high-top sneakers, while the other three wore fancy, pointed-toe Beatle boots. They all looked about 14 years old, nervous to be a few feet away from the sexy dancers romping around to their music. They drank Starbucks on the floor while managers and bodyguards whizzed around them. Apparently, they were the new hot thing and everyone cared. I still hadn’t heard of them but exclaimed enthusiastically to an MTV cameraman that I was ‘sooooo excited’ to be dancing for them.” (RRR, p92)

One of the band members, the nearly 20-year-old Ryan Ross, was captivated by something in Keltie’s smile, and he had his band manager invite her to the VMA after party to get to know each other better. This first meeting at the dance rehearsal was also mentioned in Keltie’s 2009 interview with Dance Spirit magazine:

The couple met when Keltie was a backup dancer for the group at the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards. “We were at rehearsal, and the band came to see the routine. This one guy was staring at me. It was awkward!” she says. (“For some reason she was the only one I even saw,” Ryan says. “Maybe it was her smile. Something caught my eye—and still does.”)

The VMA performance went off without a hitch, except for Brendon’s shaky vocals. Keltie is the blonde in the big feathered hat and dark lavender skirt.

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To make things even better for the band, Panic! at the Disco won the most prestigious award of the night, the Video of the Year.

At the after party, Ryan and Keltie really hit it off, and talked for a long time.

“Awkwardly, I approached the band at the bar. I said hello to the thin, frail, beautiful boy beside me... The boy looked uncomfortable with his newfound fame, which I found endearing.

From the moment we started talking, I felt connected to him. He was sweet and slightly odd, like a strange bird in the zoo you can’t help but stare at because you’ve never seen anything like it. Everything out of his mouth belonged in some wild romantic comedy filled with modern-day Romeos and beautiful love songs. He existed in the present but didn’t actually live here with the rest of us. He was a starry-eyed dreamer who created an entire world in his head. Instead of dealing with the not-so-magical situations in his life, his mind transformed to a place where he was happy. His dreams consisted of haunting melodies, men in fanciful 1800s suits and a blissful utopia where people fell deeply in love.” (RRR, p94)

Keltie soon became overwhelmed with what she was feeling and left the party after exchanging phone numbers. Ryan immediately began texting her, and invited her to join him in his hotel room. Keltie took him up on the offer, and they ordered room service and talked for hours. Their connection was undeniable, but Keltie still had some doubts---largely because she was still emotionally damaged by her volatile ex, Nick Perri (brother of Christina). Nevertheless, Keltie decided to see what could happen with Ryan.

“We were both out of our league for different reasons... What he didn’t realize is that I was a co-dependent perfectionist who would seduce, date, and fall in love with him without his consent. While we ate our ham and egg sandwiches, I wish I knew that we were at the start of a beautiful and ultimately tragic love story.” (RRR, p95)

They shared their first kiss early the next morning, after taking things to Keltie’s apartment and talking until 6:30am.

“...when he kissed me on the stoop of my apartment building, I never wanted it to end. We kissed as taxis surrounded us, store gates opened and professionals in suits rushed to work, but none of that mattered. It was the most perfect kiss I ever experienced. I had no idea if I would ever see him again, but for the moment, I reveled in the sweetness of our innocent kiss. I found everything I needed to know about him with that kiss. Words were useless. I knew it. He knew it. This was it.” (RRR, p96-97)

Ryan had to leave to go back to Las Vegas, but that didn’t stop the budding relationship. He and Keltie jumped into a frenetic pattern of texting constantly and visiting one another whenever either one could manage a few days away from their responsibilities. This is what Keltie has to say about the first several days on end that they spent together:

“Even with my exhausting schedule, I barely slept for the entire four days [Ryan] was in town. Being around him turned me into a silly 14-year-old girl. I felt a sense of camaraderie with the actual 14-year-old girls who screamed during his concert.

[Ryan] was staying at the W Hotel. We spent most of our evenings in bed, eating room service, talking about our lives and learning more about each other’s deepest, darkest places. We stayed under the safe haven of our blankets, sharing secrets. When he left to fly to Europe, I stayed in bed. The sheets smelled like him. He texted me on the way to the airport, ‘I think some butterflies just flew out of my mouth.’ I wasn’t exactly sure what he meant, but I knew it was a good thing. Everything he said and did was artistic. He never said I was pretty, but instead compared my face to the night sky. Dating him was like being the ingenue of one of my favorite Broadway musicals. He spoke in the language of epic.” (RRR, p100-101)

During this time (fall of 2006), the boys of Panic! embarked on a tour of Europe, which made it even more difficult for Ryan and Keltie to see one another. Keltie was not to be deterred, though, and decided to spend her meager life savings to visit him in Brussels for Panic!’s October 20th concert. She also accompanied them to their show in London the following day and stayed with them on their tour bus. Apparently, their lifestyle was not as sophisticated as Keltie had hoped for, but she persevered.

“I watched the four boys eat leftover pizza and share a tiny one-room dressing room and the same dingy stall of a shower that wasn’t anywhere as glamorous or interesting as [their fans] assumed it was. To be honest, it was actually quite boring, and if it wasn’t for [Ryan]’s eyes staring back at me, I most likely would’ve fallen asleep.

As I boarded my plane home, I found a note inside my bag from [Ryan]: ‘Thank you for coming to visit me. You are such an amazing girl, and I keep finding out reasons why.’” (RRR, p103-104)

Soon after this trip, Ryan asked Keltie if she would officially be his girlfriend. She had some serious reservations because of how much she had been hurt in the past, but she ignored her gut and told him yes.

“We took a cab uptown to the hotel the band stayed at. It happened to be called The Dream. Ironic, since I was living out most girls’ fantasies by staying there with him. [Ryan] turned to me and asked, ‘Will you be my girlfriend?’ I stopped. I might have gagged. I really liked [Ryan], but I had such terrible luck with boyfriends. I loved being together without any rules or titles. I reached a point in my life where I expected everyone to break their promises to me and figured that if I stayed out of situations involving any, I wouldn’t get hurt. I was like a child who finally learned that if you stick your hand in the fire, you’re going to get burned. But lying beside his soft skin in that magical hotel, drenched in candle light and with the grumbling of Manhattan taxicabs as our soundtrack, I could only look in his little puppy dog eyes and say, ‘Yes.’ “(RRR, p106)

This moment is obviously romantic, but it is also highly disturbing how Keltie had so many reservations at the beginning of their relationship that she ignored. She knew that she would never truly understand Ryan and would ultimately break his heart, but this was not enough for her to call off their relationship. Keltie used Ryan for emotional fulfillment and validation, and rationalized it to herself as merely wanting to take care of him.

As you can imagine, when a relationship starts this badly, it only gets much worse with time.

But of course, Ryan had no idea that Keltie was not being honest with him. He was ecstatic to have a girlfriend---so happy, in fact, that he started talking about her in public at every possible opportunity.

One notable example is when he mentioned her in Rolling Stone magazine:

And here is a video interview from November 2006 where Ryan mentions that he has a girlfriend, starting at around 3:00.

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Both of these examples are also mentioned in Keltie’s book, in a larger passage about the unfortunate stereotyping that she faced from fans and the media:

“[Ryan] talked about me on television. Someone asked him what his favorite thing was about me and he answered live, in front of a huge audience, ‘She never gets jealous.’ He confirmed to the millions of teenage fans that he was taken. I think I was the only happy fan that day. What I didn’t know was that my life was about to be turned upside down by complete strangers, the power of the Internet and cruel gossip. I felt like the target of every girl in America who didn’t understand why [Ryan] chose to be with me. To others, I was a ditzy cheerleader trying to get ahead in the business. Really, I was someone affected, introspective and falling in love.

While walking down the New York City streets every day, his face greeted me from the covers of music magazines. I bought them all to support him. His Rolling Stone issue came out and in his interview, he said he was dating a ‘nice’ girl. I was in shock to even make it into the article.” (RRR, p108)

No one deserves to be faced with such misogyny and unfair scrutiny because of their choice of partner. And unfortunately, there was a great deal of both in the Panic! fandom of 2006. Keltie and Ryan’s relationship may have ultimately been a terrible decision on both their parts, but no one deserves to be treated that way by the public.

By this time, it was December, and since the “Nothing Rhymes With Circus” tour had just ended, Ryan spent Christmas in New York City with Keltie. There continued to be a startling inequality in their relationship, but they were nonetheless happy:

“During our Christmas holiday, we shuttled around New York in hats and mittens. We took pictures in front of the tree at Rockefeller Center. We rode a carriage through Central Park. We went ice skating. It was such a wonderful time and it seemed unfair to the rest of the world that the two of us should have everything. We robbed the bank of happiness and kept all of it for ourselves. I knew I deserved it. I knew he did too.

Away from our families, we ate Chinese takeout on Christmas Eve and watched The Nightmare Before Christmas on my tiny television. On Christmas morning, [Ryan] presented me with a beautiful gold locket from the 1800s. On the outside, he had it inscribed with one word: love. It was stunning. I refused to take it off my neck for the next three years. I gifted [Ryan] with the book How to Sing for Dummies. At the time, he was so much more in love with me than I was with him. I chose to keep it light and funny, and he went right to the lovey-dovey stuff. I think he was so kind because he was never sure where he stood with me. I was so incredibly happy and told anyone but him.” (RRR, p110)

In February of 2007, they spent Valentine’s Day together at Ryan’s place in Las Vegas. Keltie was still being reticent about her feelings for him, but this would soon change after a dramatic turn of events:

“We spent Valentine’s Day in Las Vegas and decided to exchange love letters. I already knew how he felt about me because almost every minute of my day was filled with some sort of sweet message from him, but I was still so afraid to let [Ryan] know how I felt... But alas, Valentine’s Day came and we exchanged letters. His came to me on vintage card stock, pressed with a wax seal. The words of the letter were some of the sweetest I had ever heard, with statements about how he would never hurt me and how lucky he felt to be loved by me. How he would never hurt me.

Next I gave [Ryan] my present, a handcrafted memory box with pictures of us on the outside. I wanted to write so many things to him---that I was head over heels in love with him, that I was scared of him, that I was still reeling over my past heartbreak, that I would give up everything to spend my days with him---but I couldn’t bring myself to give away that much of my heart. So instead, I put a single piece of paper inside the box with three words: I love you.

The look of disappointment on [Ryan]’s face when he received his letter was devastating. I felt awful. I wished I could have given him what he wanted, all of me, but I didn’t have a whole me to give away. I was cautious to give away the little bit of my heart I had left...

On Valentine’s Day evening, after disappointing him with my small note, I grabbed my computer and wrote my love letter. I told him everything I knew I shouldn’t. I gave him my heart. I was completely honest, open, and vulnerable. I set the letter aside for him to read when I left the next morning to fly back to New York.” (RRR, p112-113)

The problem here is not that Keltie felt uncomfortable with expressing her feelings for Ryan, or that she was unsure if she truly loved him. The problem is that he could not read her mind, and she was not being honest or forthcoming with him. The ethical choice would have been not to get into a relationship while carrying so much emotional baggage, especially with someone so obviously vulnerable. Instead, Keltie strung Ryan along, accepted his gifts and affection, and never truly intended to reciprocate. The fact that she did eventually reciprocate despite her misgivings is an interesting point on its own.

February turned into March, Keltie stayed in New York, and Ryan packed his bags to leave for The Cabin™ with the guys, where they would all stay for two months.

This stint of seclusion brought the boys closer than ever before, and sparked a period of productivity. They wrote about half of an avant-garde album that was ultimately scrapped, and more importantly emerged as a solid, creative, and tightly-knit group.

It is also clear that Keltie was on Ryan’s mind during this separation, as these lyrics show:

Ryan felt like he was nowhere near as good as Keltie, that what she saw in him were just “hallucinations”, that he was “only reflecting [her] perfections”, that he was the “lucky” one. This is the first big example of Ryan’s codependency, specifically the idea that he was worthless and could not survive without her. Unfortunately, this became even worse over time.

Meanwhile, Keltie booked a prestigious gig as a backup dancer for Fergie. She texted Ryan about it a week in advance, but did not remind him at all. And when the big day rolled around, this happened:

“Backstage in costume, I was disappointed after checking and rechecking my phone to see I hadn’t received a good luck message from [Ryan]. What the rest of the world thought didn’t matter. If he was missing from the equation, I was sad, but I was sure he’d be watching.

I called him later that night, ecstatic after the heart-pounding performance. When I asked him if he saw it, he responded with, ‘See what?’ I was heartbroken. I reminded him about the Fergie performance earlier that night and he apologized, saying that he and his bandmates were busy working on a song.

This became the story of my entire summer. My star rose and fell at the same time because I could never find a way to be important enough to [Ryan]. I became an afterthought. I was on television for two and a half minutes that night and found it impossible to believe that whatever he was doing was so important that he couldn’t afford to step away for a few minutes.” (RRR, p117-118)

Keltie had begun to base her self worth on Ryan’s interest, which is extremely unhealthy. This also pitted her firmly against the other drain on his attention... Panic! at the Disco. Keltie began to resent his friends as an opponent, in a metaphorical game of tug-of-war over Ryan.

The couple began arguing all the time and growing more distant as Panic! grew closer and worked on Pretty. Odd. Keltie even began to worry that Ryan was being unfaithful, but she didn’t press the issue. Every time they would get into an argument, she would tell him what he was doing something wrong and he would give her an explanation. Keltie saw his reasons as disingenuous, and would accuse him of lying to her. Since we do not have access to Ryan’s direct thoughts on the matter, it is entirely possible that he was in fact being honest with her. Regardless, Keltie did not see it that way.

“We started fighting a lot and whenever I was angry, [Ryan] formulated a wonderfully brilliant excuse. He was a masterful storyteller. He once told me that he was so good at getting around things because he spent his entire life sneaking around behind his father’s strict, Catholic back. [Ryan] seemed innocent, but he was still capable of deceit. It was my fault for accepting lame excuses, but when the issues blew over and [Ryan] and I were good, we were so good that it instantly erased all of his wrongdoings.” (RRR, p119)

What we do have from Ryan is “Lie to the Truth” and “The Other Girl”, both of which address his accused dishonesty and ‘wrongdoings’. “The Other Girl” even includes this as the chorus:

You, you were right, I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are. You were right, I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are.

This seems like a response to Keltie’s behavior in the previous quote. Ryan got so used to being told that he was wrong that his apologies became rehearsed, a droning chorus of admitting that Keltie is always right and always knows better than he does.

These examples also show the disconnect in their relationship. What Keltie saw as Ryan being immature and dishonest, Ryan saw as Keltie nitpicking everything he did and expecting him to defer to her judgment. Their relationship became a strange play on teenage disobedience, with Keltie being the nagging mother and Ryan being the rebellious teen. This is not healthy for two adults in a romantic relationship.

Things became even worse when Ryan decided to adopt a dog, a cute little teacup beagle named Hobo.

He named her Hobo because she had an unstable life, which seems cute and funny when you watch this video:

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But if you picked up on Ryan’s undercurrent of bitterness as he describes Hobo occasionally going without food and smelling bad, there is a reason. Keltie touches upon this issue in her book:

“During a trip to Los Angeles to visit him, we fought in a friend’s kitchen after I found the puppy he recently purchased alone in the bathroom without any food or water, covered in her own feces. [Ryan] left for a meeting, and I stopped by to meet him at the friend’s house, not knowing he wouldn’t be there.

When he returned hours later with red eyes and lame excuses, I was angry. Not only for treating me like garbage, but for the puppy too. I told him weeks prior that getting a pet was a bad decision. But he wanted what he couldn’t have and bought the small beagle, and somehow thought in the middle of touring the world he would have time to be a dad to this little pup.

He told me her name was Hobo, put her in my arms and introduced me as her mommy. I instantly fell in love with her and became more protective of her than I was of my own heart. At the end of the fight, I was in tears holding the shaking puppy in my hands. [Ryan] turned to me and said, ‘I cannot fix this right now.’ I left, driving down the winding roads of the Hollywood Hills to stay with a friend...

Something in [Ryan] changed. His mind and lungs were polluted. I wasn’t angry anymore, just sad for him... I thought I could protect him so he would stay the sweet and sincere boy I fell in love with forever. Los Angeles had a different plan." (RRR, p119-120)

Things had, in fact, changed. Ryan was at the same time closer than ever with his friends to the point of seeing them every day, and yet more codependent than ever with Keltie.

Complicating matters even further, as touched upon briefly in the previous quote, Ryan and the other members of Panic! at the Disco had begun experimenting with drugs, particularly marijuana. Keltie was upset, but not from being anti-drug use. Her ex, Nick Perri, had been a raging alcoholic with a cocaine addiction to boot, and it never deterred Keltie at all (you can read about that in the first quarter or so of her book). Rather, she was upset because it meant that her grip on Ryan was loosening. An entire side of him was beginning to reveal itself, and Keltie had no part in it. It was also a concrete marker of Ryan spending time with his friends, and not with her.

Ryan reflected on these changes in his life, and it all made its way into the song aptly titled “That Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed)”, ‘that green gentleman’ being slang for marijuana. In these lyrics, Ryan muses about how he never expected to become the person he had grown into, but how he was okay with the way everything had turned out:

Things are shaping up to be pretty odd, Little deaths in musical beds. So it seems I’m someone I’ve never met.

...

Things have changed for me, and that’s okay. I feel the same, I’m on my way, and I say, Things have changed for me, and that’s okay.

This is a stark contrast from how Keltie felt on the matter. She made it abundantly clear to him (and everyone else, through her book) that she was decidedly not okay with everything. Ryan literally had to write and perform a song with his friends to reassure himself that he was fine, because his significant other was always hounding him about his life choices.

Nevertheless, Keltie continued to be on his mind when they were apart. He saw everything beautiful around him as a reflection and extension of her---her dancing, her laughter, her love. And despite Keltie’s hatred and disapproval of his new marijuana habit, he even saw her in the smoke swirling up from his cigarettes. All of this made its way into a surprisingly romantic verse of “The Piano Knows Something I Don’t Know”, which he wrote around this time:

She’s the smoke. She’s dancing fancy pirouettes, Swan-diving off of the deep end Of my tragic cigarette. She’s steam, Laughing on a windowpane, The never-ending swaying haze. Oh, that ever-smiling maze, Oh, that ever-smiling maze, Ballet.

At the end of the summer, Ryan turned 21. To start the day, Keltie booked a romantic photo shoot with a photographer named Amy Dunn. (The second picture in this post is, in fact, from this same photo shoot.)

That night, Keltie also threw him a surprise birthday party at Pete Wentz’s club in New York City, Angels & Kings. She decorated the club with embarrassing pictures of his teen years and encouraged guests to wear t-shirts with an unflattering photo of Ryan on them. She also notably did not invite Jon Walker, one of Ryan’s closest friends, despite the fact that he was old enough to attend.

At one point, Keltie did a dramatic costume change and popped out of a giant gift box wearing a tiara and an ‘R’ necklace.

The birthday cake also had an embarrassing picture of 13-year-old Ryan on it.

To say that Ryan looks unhappy in most of the pictures from his birthday is an understatement. The whole thing was so far from what he would have wanted that it is astounding that Keltie made such a misstep. Something was seriously wrong with their relationship, and Keltie throwing a tone-deaf birthday party where she didn’t even invite his best friends only made things worse.

Some of Ryan’s doubts worked their way into “From a Mountain in the Middle of the Cabins”. He described how his relationship had turned cruel and meaningless, caught in destructive patterns. It also hints that Keltie may have been threatening to leave him, and that Ryan just wanted her to make a decision:

Go spin circles for me, Wound relentlessly Around the words we used to sling. Oh, such torturous things, Always chewing up the only ones I ever mean. If you're going, then go. Go, go, go.

Even so, as was the pattern in their relationship, they soldiered on. Ryan and his friends finished recording Pretty. Odd. a few months later and Keltie began having lucid nightmares that Ryan was cheating on her---and despite everything, they could not wait to spend Christmas together and be happy again. They even went on a Caribbean vacation:

“[Ryan] and I decided to take our first vacation together. We went far away to the Caribbean islands where no one could bother us. We were surrounded by sunshine, beautiful beaches and limitless fruity drinks. It was amazing to spend time with our cell phones off and without being bothered for hours. [Ryan] took his guitar down to the beach each day and we stared at the ocean, talking about our dreams and goals for the next year with the strum of a million melodies in his head, floating in the breeze.

We ate our faces off. We drank our faces off. We won something like 62,000 pesos playing blackjack while we were so drunk, we couldn’t stand up straight. At some point, we lost it all but we didn’t care. We stumbled home arm-in-arm through the dimly lit, cobblestone pathways of the resort. When [Ryan] and I were allowed to be us, without any of the pressures or distractions from the world, we were the best of everything. The best of friends. The best of crazies. The best of lovers.” (RRR, p123-124)

Keltie had begun to feel the pressures of their respective careers. She wedged herself into a position of control over Ryan’s musical career to the point where she took credit for several things to do with Pretty. Odd., including the line “Reinvent love” (apparently she is not familiar with Arthur Rimbaud), the title of "Pas de Cheval" (which references a ballet move), and the Russian stacking dolls in the music video for “That Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed)”.

In return, Ryan supported her dancing career, spent time with her friends, and bought all of her plane tickets. Keltie continued to take a strangely maternal role in his life, but both of them were too entrenched in their mutual codependency to care:

“We were a team and what was mine was his. For all the times I helped [Ryan] out, he watched me practice for an upcoming Broadway audition. He bought me flights to New York and back so I could attend a one-in-a-million chance audition. He listened to me babble incessantly about all the things I wanted to accomplish. Whenever he went away, he brought back little tokens of love---earrings from Prague, postcards from Amsterdam, a stuffed animal from Australia. He wrote love song after love song for me. Things I said or did would constantly show up in his lyrics. I was a muse for him. A mother for him. And during the times we actually slept in the same bed, a woman.” (RRR, p125-126)

Ryan had also become increasingly dependent on Keltie taking care of him, as shown in this extremely rude 2008 interview with Kerrang!:

Keltie also acknowledges this strange role she took in Ryan’s life, how she continued to infantilize her adult boyfriend:

“I was a girlfriend and a taskmaster. I kept him focused, and I sewed his clothes and managed his calendar. I made sure someone came to clean the house. I did his laundry, I paid his bills on time, and I paid my bills on time but for a completely different address. I called his family with updates and sent birthday cards when necessary. I did this because I loved him and he needed help. I did this because it was only after all these things were taken care of, that [Ryan] and I could snuggle up and just be ‘us.’” (RRR, p126)

Their relationship soon faced another trial. After over a year of Keltie accusing Ryan of not taking their relationship seriously, he asked her to move in with him and even proposed marriage, thus proving both his commitment and his New Year’s resolution to better himself. Keltie refused, but also made a series of false promises whereby she would move in with him. Every time, Ryan would do exactly as she asked, and Keltie would not follow through on her end. She simply did not take him seriously, and Ryan naively tried and tried to do what she wanted:

“[Ryan] asked me to move to Las Vegas, and I declined. He placed a ring on my finger and along with it, a million promises. We condo shopped and he bought the one I loved. We picked out wallpaper, drapes, bed sheets, art and countertops. He built me a giant, floor-to-ceiling bookcase with a ladder like in Beauty & The Beast because I said if he did, I would move in. He purchased a giant bathtub with claw feet and jets because I said if he did, I would move in. It was the running joke with our good friend and interior decorator. I could get him to buy a $5,000 bathtub, but I couldn’t get him to call me each night before he went to sleep.” (RRR, p126-127)

Then Pretty. Odd. was finally released on March 25, 2008. Ryan’s album dedication is partially addressed to Keltie, affectionately referred to as ‘Monkey’, and is startling in its self-deprecation:

Monkey for sorting me out and being amazing, beautiful and understanding of my impossible nature.

By this time, Ryan genuinely believed that he was damaged, unworthy, and unable to survive on his own. This preoccupation about being fundamentally unlovable and unstable even made its way into the chorus of “She Had the World”, sung thoughtfully in Ryan’s own soft voice.

But who could love me? I am out of my mind, Throwing a line out to sea To see if I can catch a dream.

Ryan understood on a certain level that Keltie didn’t really ‘get’ him, that “she didn’t even see [him]” because she was blinded by more important things. He also seems to have been considering breaking up with her, despite how giving and affectionate she was. If they were to break up, Ryan could only hope that his damage hadn’t transferred to her:

The sun was always in her eyes. She didn't even see me. But that girl had so much love, She'd want to kiss you all the time. Yeah, she'd want to kiss you all the time. She said she'd won the world at a carnival, But I'm sure I didn't ruin her, I just made her more interesting. I’m sure I didn’t ruin her, I just made her more interesting.

Tellingly, in a promotional interview for Pretty. Odd., Ryan refers to “She Had the World” as an “un-love song”---strange wording for something clearly inspired by his girlfriend.

Regardless, they did not break up. Even so, Keltie was very critical of both the album and Ryan’s career, and saw both as disappointments. Her career was looking up, since she had been accepted back into the Rockettes, and she began to see Ryan as a has-been:

“[The Rockettes and] I played many of the same arenas I followed [Ryan] to on his last tour. We performed to a sold-out crows, in arenas his band could only half-fill.

[Ryan] came out to visit me on tour. I happened to be on crutches after sustaining nerve damage in my leg. I was out of the show for five days, and I was unsure that I would ever dance again. Seeing my body fall apart made me cling to [Ryan] even more. In a random hotel room, with an ice bag on my leg, we talked about everything---the semi-flop of his last record, the fact that magazines weren’t calling anymore and the ups and downs of the tainted entertainment business. He said to me through tears, ‘You’re the only one who really knows me and the only person who really cares about me. Everyone else is nothing.’ I knew it was true. [Ryan]’s star was falling. I loved him anyway. I loved him more, I think.” (RRR, p128)

Then, months later, Keltie’s career had another break, since she was unexpectedly approached to be on the cover of Dance Spirit magazine. As part of the spread, she was interviewed, as was Ryan, and both of them apparently impressed all of the magazine’s editors with their cuteness.

Here is part of the interview, which was released in March of 2009:

Another pillar of support in Keltie’s life is her boyfriend, Ryan Ross. (Yes, the same Ryan Ross of the band Panic at the Disco!)... Although the two don’t get to see each other often since they both tour, they enjoy similar activities in their time off. “You wouldn’t guess it by looking at her, but she’s sort of a nerd, which is what I love about her and why I think we get along so well,” Ryan says. “We both like to sit around and read or watch the Discovery Channel.”

Having a famous boyfriend has its share of challenges, though. Since she started dating Ryan, numerous blogs, message board posts and videos have bad-mouthed Keltie. Old photos of her in revealing clothes, which she wore for previous dance and modeling jobs, were posted and scrutinized. “Sometimes I laugh it off, but some of it has affected me,” Keltie says. “It hurts when people say I’m not a good dancer or I’m using Ryan. No one deserves to hear bad things about themselves.” ...

Whether it’s as a role model, dancer or girlfriend, she proves to be just as genuine the second, third and one-hundredth time you meet her as the first. “Keltie is the most giving and positive person that I have ever met,” Ryan says. “She’s made me want to be more like her in that way.”

In February of 2009, Keltie finally decided to move in with Ryan (largely because she landed a dance contract in Las Vegas) and began making the necessary preparations. Right before the official move, they even went on a vacation together in Hawaii:

“The trip was incredible. We had the best time swimming with dolphins, watching huge turtles lay on the sandy beach, and taking our nightly walks to the hot tub. It was one of the best weeks of my life and I didn’t see a single sign of the doom on its way. [Ryan] stared at me directly in the eyes and told me how much he loved me, which seemed so heartfelt. I believed him. I believed that each year we got a little older and a little more of the growing pains of our lives together sorted themselves out. I believed we would be together forever.” (RRR, p135)

They even had a picture-perfect Valentine’s Day, filled with romance, childlike infatuation, and hope for the future:

“The night of Valentine’s Day, [Ryan] drove up from Los Angeles to spend the night with me. I moved all my stuff into his Vegas pad as I prepared to start my new job in a few days. Finally, after all our time apart, we were living together! He walked in the door with a giant flower arrangement and hugs and kisses for me. We got dressed up and he took me to a sold-out Billy Joel concert at the MGM.

We sat in the fifth row and held hands as we sung along to all the great tunes. When Billy played ‘She’s Got a Way’, [Ryan] held me close and whispered in my ear that the song was written for me. I blushed. That night on the way back to the car, we ran into one of his bandmates’ parents and talked on the street for a bit. I was amazed at the family we created through the intertwining of both of our worlds.

Worried that that we would have to stand in line for hours at valet, [Ryan] grabbed my hand and we ran giggling past all the 40-somethings at the concert, like kids in a schoolyard. We were both terrible runners and threatened to trip at any moment, but somehow we made it home that night, back into each other’s arms and back into bed. It was a perfect Valentine’s Day, one of the few we were actually able to spend together. We lay in bed that night, talking about how finally, everything worked out. We were both in the same city, working and happy with our sleeping dog between us. Perfection reached us and it was an unbelievable feeling.” (RRR, p135-136)

What happened the next morning is infamous: Keltie went through Ryan’s phone while cooking him breakfast, and found romantic messages from a young woman who appeared to be a waitress. Ryan had been cheating on Keltie, and Keltie was devastated:

“The day after Valentine’s Day, I cooked meat for the man I loved, without knowing he was seeing someone on the side, going to her house and sending late-night messages for weeks. My face flushed as I scrolled through the messages.

I honestly can’t and don’t want to remember what I saw that day, but the dates registered with me. I saw the date of my birthday two weeks before, the day I received two huge bundles of flowers while spending time with my family in Canada. He was with her on my birthday. I scrolled back farther and realized he texted her while we were on vacation in Hawaii. He sang me love songs on the beach while also thinking about some girl.

Some of the messages were about her getting off work. It seemed she was a waitress. My whole adult life I struggled to stay afloat and have an awesome career so I would never have to be a dancer/waitress and here he was, more interested in her. I was successful. I was in commercials, print advertisements, movies and music videos. None of it was enough. For him, this waitress, this random girl, was worth ruining everything.” (RRR, p137-138)

Even in the context of finding out that her boyfriend/fiance had been unfaithful, Keltie still could only conceptualize of things in relation to her career and material success.

Ryan later wrote a song about his experiences with getting caught cheating, “The Other Girl” by the Young Veins. Every line of that song is razor sharp and directed at Keltie. Ryan muses about why he could possibly want to be with another girl, and sarcastically cautions Keltie about not wasting her time worrying about him. It also includes the droning chorus of apologies that I referenced earlier.

Don’t wait around for love. You’re not what he’s thinking of When he’s with the other girl. Don’t bother waiting up, ‘cause he, He’s not where he’s supposed to be When he’s with the other girl, When he’s with the other girl.

You, you were right, I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are. You were right, And I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are.

Don't have much to say right now, ‘Cause I'm trying to figure out Why he's with the other girl. Life is not a fairy tale. They will send him straight to jail, Where he'll die and go to hell With the other girl, With the other girl.

You, you were right, I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are. You were right, I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are.

This song may seem harsh, but Ryan had just endured almost three years of being made to believe that he was unworthy and that he could only successfully exist under Keltie’s control. He had to seize his own freedom like a rebellious teenager, the underhandedness of which didn’t bother him because she would believe he was in the wrong no matter what. This is unhealthy and they were both better off without each other.

It is undeniably wrong that Ryan cheated on Keltie, but I personally believe that infidelity is a symptom of a broken relationship rather than the cause. And that is especially true here. Their relationship was doomed from the start, mired in codependency and stressed by the pressures of the world. Ryan was clearly not getting something he needed from Keltie, and spending one perfect Valentine’s Day together would not fix all of their problems.

The real tragedy here is that neither one of them were mature enough to realize this and break things off. It would have saved them both a great deal of time and unnecessary heartbreak if Keltie had been honest with him from the beginning.

Ryan eventually came to recognize this, and it found its way into the lyrics of “Defiance” by the Young Veins. He muses about being vulnerable to emotionally manipulative people, how Keltie pursued him despite believing that she could never truly love again, and how he came to realize that rebelling against her control was more enjoyable than being in a relationship with her:

From the outside looking in, I sure did make an easy target. It’s nice to think that you were always Wanted. ... Yet she said it was rust and lead, That love could never live again, But they found a way to make it stay.

...

And can’t we just be friends? This kind of thing always happens. I fell in love again With defiance.

Ryan realized that their relationship would have never truly worked out as long as Keltie was in love with Nick Perri. The reason that her heart had been too damaged to fall for Ryan completely is that she still wanted to be with her ex. She was emotionally cheating on Ryan from the beginning, and he could never live up to that. This is even the subject of the Young Veins’ song “Lie to the Truth”:

When I started out Writing you this song, I was heels over head in love, But you had your doubts, Because it took too long To finally see what I, What I'd been doing wrong.

I tried to love you, but You still loved him, so I'll ignore my heart and lie to the truth. I'll lie to the truth.

A love of mine once said, "The best part about you Was me," so now who Is judging who? I know I broke your heart. Mine is broken too. Now if we're even, Then why are we both blue?

I tried to be true, but You still love him, so I’ll lie in silence and Feel like a fool. I’ll lie to the truth.

I think that I have had enough, I guess that I have had enough Of you. I think that I have had enough, I know I’m tired and had enough Of you.

We tried to be true, but You still loved him, so I'll keep my distance And lie to the truth. I’ll lie to the truth. I’ll lie to the truth, ‘Cause you lied to it too.

This song also draws on both how Keltie would accuse repeatedly Ryan of lying (just see how many times the word “lie” appears) and how she degraded his self-confidence to boost her own (”the best part about you was me”). In these lyrics, Ryan basically says, “My love for you was the truth. You lied to me, I tried my best anyway, and nothing was enough. What else could I do?”

After their breakup, Ryan began spending more time with his band. He even briefly moved in with Brendon and Spencer, and then went camping with Jon. His friends had officially won the battle for Ryan’s attention, but this was unfortunately not to last for long. Here are some pictures of Ryan from late February 2009, originally posted to his and Jon’s Tumblr, weresoblogging.

Keltie tried repeatedly to get back together with Ryan (Ryan similarly tried to win her back a couple times), and also sadistically wanted to see him suffer. She started a smear campaign on her blog, highkicksandhighhopes, to turn his fans against him, and made a show of tweeting about him at the least provocation.

And unfortunately, her efforts paid off. If you ever see Livejournal posts or general fan discourse from 2009, it was widely believed in the Panic fandom that Ryan was just a terrible person who was probably addicted to multiple drugs and was a serial user of women. The fans were only getting one angry, miserable side of the story, and they unfairly judged Ryan based on what little they knew. This is even probably a large component of why the Young Veins did not see much success, since Keltie had alienated many of Ryan’s fans against him and the rest became angry about Panic’s split (which seemed to confirm to them that he was ruining his life). Well, at least Keltie finally had her wish for her doe-eyed dreamer to become a lonely has-been, and she couldn’t have been happier about it.

I hope that this ridiculously long post has helped you come to your own conclusions about everything. I’ve tried to stay as objective as possible, largely because the information we do have here is incredibly biased. Even so, the fact that Keltie is making money off a tell-all book that is half about Ryan and the intimate details of their relationship is ethically questionable, and more people need to realize that. She is clearly targeting Ryan’s fan base and trying to ruin his reputation, which he quite frankly does not deserve. It also demonstrates that Keltie did not recognize her own culpability, despite the lip service that she paid to it in passing.

Anyway, Ryan recovered from the breakup and shortly began seeing another pretty blonde, who Keltie immediately hated and began passive-aggressively tweeting about.

I’m talking about Kate Marie Thompson. Stay tuned for Ryan’s infamous pink suit!

CONTINUED IN PART 4

And here are all of the posts in this series!

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