#and I really don’t think I’m actually a cis girl or anything but fuck what if I am???? and I’d have to tell everyone else????
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yknow what. sometimes. i don’t wanna have gender feels. sometimes. the gender feels are atrocious.
#this flip flop from fuck what if I’m not to fuck I’m never gonna look cis and I wish I was just born a cis guy#PLEASE someone make it make sense cause this shit sucks#and like. I’ve already come to terms that I am OKAY with being wrong about all of this and realizing that hey! maybe I’m not trans actually#like I’m fine with that it’s ok if that happens at some point#it’s the wondering and stressing about how everyone would view me if I detransitioned that makes me feel sick#like I’m TERRIFIED of everyone looking at me different if that was the case#and I really don’t think I’m actually a cis girl or anything but fuck what if I am???? and I’d have to tell everyone else????#idk idk idk. it’s not like I’ve told many people but fuck#i just don’t understand how I can go from feeling so fucking sad about my body and that I’ll always feel this uncomfortable#and yet STILL question EVERYTHING#idk. idk. it’s fine
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shjsjegdbjdr
#going into this im not even totally sure what im gonna end up talking abt so tw for like everything. sui sh csa etc#i have dreams and things i want to do with my life and i dont want to die but i dont know how to handle emotions like this#so my first response has always just been suicide attempt#its so stupid what im upset about but like. idk. i cant get it out of my brain.#its literally just bc my friends are sort of drifting apart from me at lunch. its just that. and it seems so stupid and small to say but i#feel like ending my entire life over this so idk#like im so fucking scared of being alone at lunch. im so scared of being alone. and i tried talking to them about it and i know they have#good intentions but they said ‘we all have other friends and we aren’t each other’s main friends anymore and that’s okay’#and like. i don’t. i don’t have anyone else to go to#and they basically said it wasn’t their problem. and they didn’t say that verbatim and i’m making them sound so much worse than they are and#i love them all but thats essentially what it felt like to me#and i dont want to bring it up again bc theyve dealt with my shit enough and im mature enough to deal with my own problems#it just. it feels so awful being so fucking alone. i had an actual friend group for a while and my meds were working andi forgot how fucking#bad everything feels. im so paranoid theyre going to drop me and then i don’t know what to do#if they drop me i seriously think i might try to kill myself because i don’t fucking know what to do without them#like it feels like its only a matter of time and i know its not the end of the world but it feels like it. it really fucking feels like it#i feel so inherently unwanted and i know ive said this like a million times over but the only time anyone has ever wanted me was when i was#like 6. and i cant even fucking remember it. like every cis girl is like ‘universal woman experience of being chased by boys you dont want#in elementary school’ and its like. its not universal i would give absolutely anything for that to happen to me bc i know logically that’s#awful and i dont actually want it but god it hurts so fucking much to be unwanted. no one has ever wanted me once. and it scares me that i#want some man to want me so badly he just takes it and i don’t actually want that but it would reassure me that im not broken#and i know its unrealistic to expect to be in a relationship in hs but all of my friends are and it just feels like what the fuck is wrong w#me that no one has ever looked twice other than to bully me. what can i do to change it. will i ever be wanted#everyone i know has someone that loves them unconditionally and not even like romantically like everyone has a best friend at least#but im just so fucking alone. i dont want to be alone forever. i dont know what to do#i dont know how to handle these emotions so i just want to kill myself about it#but i dont actually want to die so i just sit there and cut my arms and hope that someone will ask if i’m okay bc there’s no way i’m#going to volunteer this shit to someone who didnt ask#rambles#vent
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OP I am new to twisted wonderland but I saw the binding hc post and I uuuuuh have a request if that’s okay. My request is basically like, MC/Yuu who is AFAB and NB or Trans Masc who isn’t out. They get sorted into dorms or something and refuse to wear the uniforms because Tiddies are More Pronounced and that’s not cash gender of them. and they basically get into a fight with the dorm leaders that lead to them coming out while yelling and then just. The dorm leaders are like ???? Well shit that’s fixable why didn’t you say that earlier ??
Trans Yuu
Yuu is a trans dude in the middle of transitioning at the worst place to do it— NRC.
Notes: went in a wild direction lmao. Anyways FTM Yuu. Shitty jokes and cringe.
You are a 2010 Stefani Canturi Barbie and God is a mother going through her kid's toys to donate to the Bratz section at goodwill, you are sure of it. There is no way in hell it was coincidence that you ended up in an all-boys school filled with the stupidest people you met otherwise. Perhaps god just assumed you were both dolls so it doesn’t really matter what toy pile you were put in, and you don’t know if that is the biggest compliment you have received— to be compared to cis dudes— or an insult (these men fucking suck).
With all the running around you had to do the first day, no one was able to sniff you out, yet. Still, it didn't last that long, and it didn’t. Deuce was far too kind and dense to really tell what you were, and Grim was Grim. Ace on the other hand almost seemed to side-eye you at times. You tried to ignore it and pray to the goodwill mom that he doesn’t say anything, and surprisingly he didn’t, you got that stupid gem, celebrated, and went over to your crow overlord (who doesn’t even notice your predicament either) to turn it in and go the fuck home. Perhaps the only break you got was the fact that people here spoke a sort of similar language to you even if it was a bit… strange. Whatever, you can think tomorrow, right now you can make yourself comfortable and finally sleep uninterrupted.
And then that fucker from before came to you at one in the morning, after you have unbound yourself and got comfortable begging for you to let him sleep in your bed, strange collar on his neck. “No, Ace. You can make yourself comfortable on the couch.” You crossed your arms over your chest nervously and thankfully the dumbass didn't notice. “C’mon, c’mon, I’m super skinny! I won’t take up any space!” Ace pleaded. You and Grim looked at each other tiredly then back at Ace. “No.” You said before sighing and heading upstairs.
“Awwee!! Cmon!!!” “Cry about it.” You sneered, but as you ascended the steps you notice Ace watching you with that look in his eyes from earlier. He knows doesn’t he…
***
You may not know Trey and Cater well, but you owe them your life. The dumbass trio you were with despite living in this world their whole life could not tell you the most basic shit about it for the life of them. And even worse, despite two of them being selected for this university and one choosing to sneak in with plenty of time to research it beforehand (hell, Ace has a brother who went here), they both decided to go in completely blind and not understand anything at all.
Thankfully, your dear juniors seemed to take pity on you and actually took time to explain the bare fucking minimum for all four of your sakes. Yet as they explained everything to you in such sweet simplicity, you notice Trey look over to your form that you kept nervously wrapped up in the only oversized overcoat (that all Yuu’s in the manga have) to hide your figure. “Are you alright there Yuu?” He asks and you freeze.
“Yeah, it's just…” Trey frowned and adjusted his glasses out of concern. “Did Crowley provide any resources for you? It must be difficult being stuck here as a girl and all.” You pause and before you can speak you are interrupted. “YOU’RE WHAT.” The dumbass trio all yelled at once making you, Trey, and Cater all shut your eyes pensively. “Dude! I mean bro— I mean— Ugh!” Ace sputtered, and Deuce looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole and die with how much he was overthinking. Looking over at Trey, the regret on his face was obvious, and you can only assume he thought you told the other three. “You didn’t tell us you're a girl!” Ace yaps.
“I’m not, I’m a guy, I just…” Cater speaks up. “They got the wrong body babes, it's nbd.” The ginger strikes a selfie pose, “That's a thing???” Deuce stared wide-eyed. “Exactly!” You speak up. Trey clears his throat, looking even more ashamed. “Ah, my…. I’m sorry Yuu I didn’t know.” “It’s fine, you didn’t know, plus I guess it was obvious.” At that, the group around you went quiet.
“Uh no it wasn't ?” Ace crosses his arms. “Have you seen the guys in this school? Some of them straight up look like chicks!” “I thought you knew 'cause you were looking at me weird yesterday!” Ace’s face becomes slightly flustered. “I wasn’t staring—“ Ace stopped his excuse when he saw you and Trey glare. “Okay, fine I was! You happy?” “Why were you staring at them?” Grim asks unimpressed.
Ace gets even more flustered. “It's cause, well you know—“ Cater raises his brows and suppresses a knowing smile and a laugh to the best of his ability as he looks over at you. Ace huffs, “How did you not know Grim? You share a bed with them!” “Haaah? Don't change the subject—“ “Okay that's enough.”
Trey sighs. “Once again, I am very sorry about that Yuu, I thought—“ “It's okay Trey, you didn’t know… But also how did both of you know?” Cater winks, “Oh he’s just like that, babes. Trey-Kun attracts all sorts of fruit to him.” You snort and not how Trey seems to sigh, “Are you one of them?” Cater's eyes widen for a moment before he gives a chuckle. “Good one, but we’ve dealt with enough people in this school to tell by now, though. “So you both just have a gaydar, got it.” “Ooh I like that word, I’ll steal it from ya!” Cater winks again.
“In any case…” Trey adjusts his glasses again. “There's no need to sweat over it. You’ll fit in fine here, Yuu, however, I recommend that you bother Crowley for a spell or potion to get you switched to a new body as soon as possible so this conversation doesn't happen again.” Trey is putting on a brave face to hide his mortification of how he accidentally outed someone. “Crowley can be a real pain sometimes, but he will deliver on that at the very least. Until then you could probably get something from Sam’s for a temporary fix, though they will cost a small fee since they’re home-brewed, or brew your own potion.”
“Oh yeah, you guys have magic here for that stuff… that's crazy…” “Oh yeah, there’s no magic in your world huh Yuu-Kun?” Cater thinks for a moment, “Healthcare here includes that sorta care, but I imagine it’ll be a little difficult to apply for it since you're not from this world and stuff. Kinda hard to do that stuff if you don't exist here, huh?” Cater muses. “Alright, now let's get back to telling them about the dorms Trey!”
“Ah, one more thing, all of you.” Trey’s expression becomes more serious, and gestures to a table where two people— twins with teal hair sit together. “Be careful with Octavinelle students,” he warns, “especially those two. They work for their dorm leader, Azul. They’re scam artists, do not ever make a deal with any of them, especially you, Yuu. Do not tell them what you are.” “Why?” Cater nudges you. “They’ll totally be like ‘We can help you transition Yuu!’ And then your soul is theirs!”
“That’s no different from where I’m from.”
***
Ace and Deuce were a bit weird with you for the next few hours, before Grim got annoyed with them acting overly cautious and insulted them, which in turn made them all have an annoying argument that you got involved in, in which they treated you like one of the bros. You have to make a note to get Grim the world's most premium tuna for that later.
And when it came time to grab the tuna, you also had to check out Sam’s potion brewery, where you learned that Sam was a real cool dude. He’s a salesman at the end of the day, always looking for a profit, but at least he was fair. He never overpriced things and always knew how to make a good deal. And though you were prepared to drop nearly your whole allowance on a potion Sam seemed to stop you.
“Hey there little imp! Before you pick one of those out, what form are you lookin’ to take?” You look around for a moment, making sure no one was nearby. “I’m looking for a transitioning potion? I wanna be a dude…” You mutter. Anxiety brews in your gut as Sam leans in, keeping eye contact with you. The salesman then bounces back to his feet in an animated and theatrical manner. “Well, we got those iiiiiinnn STOCK! Lucky for you, we have all sorts to choose from!” Sam says before taking out crate after crate.
“Please, pick that one that calls to you.” You look at the vials nervously before pulling one out of the velvet casing they were carefully placed in. The liquid inside has the consistency of a purple, glittery syrup. “That's a great one!” Sam says. “One small issue though.” Oh god here it comes, by picking up the vial you probably should your soul to him and you're gonna be doomed to work here the rest of your life.
“That's gonna be temporary, little imp! Not good for the long term. The Mystery Shop cannot sell permanent potions for these unless you have a prescription, but my little friends from the other side say that you ain’t from these parts.” Sam smiles. “Take 4, on the house! And drink them all at once, that should give you around 4 and half months in that form!” “Really? Are you sure!” Sam nods, “Course! It's not a loss at all either, I get compensated to give em out anyways! Do be sure to tell Crowley to get you a permanent one though! Or it may be quicker to ask that professor of yours!”
“Thank you Mr.Sam! I’ll keep it in mind.”
***
Crowley is an asshole, a real bitch, and one of the most annoying people you know. But at least he can be reasonable once in a blue moon. When bringing up needing a potion he merely went on a 30-minute rant on how he’ll get a prescription for you because he’s “oh so generous” and totally not because he’s probably a fruit too like everyone else in this school.
You expected this process of getting a prescription to be a very annoying and long wait, just for you to receive the paper later allowing it less than an hour later. Sam did say that asking Professor Crewel for a good potion would be better than asking him since he’s certified to make them. Given how extra he is with everything too, you're sure any potion by him would be insane. So here you were, head down and begging that this man help you, one alphabet soup to another.
“Let me get this straight. You want me to make you a prescription potion for you, rather than get it from Sam’s because you think I would make a better one.” You nod, and Crewel could tell there wasn't any flattery behind your words, you truly believed what you said. “Sam didn’t put you up to this did he?” “I mean he mentioned you could help but that’s it, why is he plotting something?” “He’s been trying to get me to make him a batch of these for ages, saying that he only wants the highest quality products for his customers.” “Seems like I was right to go to you.”
Crewel almost lets out a sigh, before tapping his whip against his palm. “Fine then pup. I’ll give you a private lesson for potionology because you will be taking notes and helping me as well.” “Really?” “Crowley did say there is no record of you existing anywhere. Consider this the pre-lessons you were supposed to learn in high school.”
After an hour of work, you have successfully created three giant bottles of the stuff Crewel guided you to make, and now in your notes, you have the recipe just in case something happens to them. “Listen here.” Crewel commands and you whip your head to him. “Wait until those four months are up on the serum you are on before taking these. Take only 15 milligrams of each a day until you are all out. This way, it’s permanent and you don't have to worry about someone turning you back so easily.” The professor smiles and taps his baton in his other hand.
“Any questions?” “Why am I on the serum then, sir?” “That one prepares your body for a more permanent change, especially if you show any complications with the magic used.” “Got it, sir, that’s all the questions I have.” “Good, now clean your workspace, and go back to your dorm. I expect you to be fully awake in the morning for class.” “Yes, sir” “And I also expect that you will be more responsive than your peers in class because of this.” “Of course, sir.”
Carefully putting the bottles in your bag, and using your jacket as a cushion for each one you braved your way outside nervously. Sam did say that the vials you took will take a while to take effect since your body isn’t used to magic…
***
The final thing you learned in these past two days was that the misogyny here is very much inclusive, you can't tell if that’s a sign of progress or not. The second you walked out of that door you had your very first instance of bullying (Aside from Ace) since arriving in this world. A few Savanaclaw jocks standing by seemed to immediately look over and snicker.
You stood your ground as they approached, knowing walking away would make it worse and if it got bad Crewel was still in that room. “Tch, you’re the new kid huh?” One said in a very stereotypical stupid school bully way. You’re half surprised they didn’t include some insult like “dweebus” or something. “Hah, bro doesn't even have good pecs, what a fucking girl.” One says. “Never knew they made exceptions for girls!” The other says.
“Uh, yeah, it's gonna take a while for this potion to take effect.” A cat boy scoffs, “What potion.” “The one that’s supposed to make me a boy, it's taking a while.” The group went silent for a moment, the weird wolfman sniffs the air at you for a moment before beckoning his bros to lean in and listen. After a painfully awkward moment, the cat boy leader comes back to lean into your face. “So you are a boy! Big deal! You still don't have pecs!” He says, changing his whole tune. “Yeah well you may be a boy but you're… your…” The fox boy pauses, trying to find a proper insult, just to be interrupted by the wolfman again. “But you fucking suck at being one!”
“YEAH!” All three cheer together as they finally find the right niche to bully you in. Suddenly the door next to you opens. “You three! Silence! Leave them alone, it's curfew! Or do you want me to put you to work?” Crewel reprimands, leaving the three running off with their tails between their legs. “You too Yuu.” And you nod and take it as your sign to leave.
You were gonna have a great time learning how to be a boy
#trans reader#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland x reader#trey clover x reader#cater diamond x reader#ace trappola x reader#sam x reader#twst sam x reader#divus crewel x reader
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So, I was tipped off a while ago by a post that’s probably still in my queue (I have a long reblog queue u_u;; ) that a few words were changed in the US edition of Monstrous Regiment. As it’s my favourite Discworld book, and I’d only ever read the US edition, I tracked down a second-hand UK first edition online and had a re-read as soon as it came, with my battered old US edition next to me so I could check when anything pinged me as ‘off’. Here’s what I found, not counting minor UK->US spelling changes like turning “girlie” into “girly”.
(There may be more that I missed, I didn’t have both copies open the whole time, but I’m pretty familiar with this book. As my sister teased me about when I mentioned I’d done this comparison, I did have it in my bed for several years as a teenager so I could reread it whenever my insomnia was hitting particularly hard.)
Spoilers from here on out, of course.
The first two are just kind of pointless? Changing “coprolite” to “coprolith”, which is just a less common word for the exact same thing, and changing “riff-riff-raff” to “riffraff” feels like they forgot Jackrum was playing drunk in that scene. Whatever. These don’t bother me.
There are a few UK->US type changes in the next one (“wooly vest” to “woolen undershirt”) which similarly feel pointless to me, but what really gets my goat is the last word. “The man’s bare chests,” plural, being changed to “the man’s bare chest”. Because that’s foreshadowing, but it’s not a giveaway, because on a heavier (cis) guy they do hang separate. It’s a nice little touch, and they took it out.
The next one is the one I’d been tipped off to, and it’s the change I’m the most annoyed about. “Turned her chair to the fire/around him the kitchen worked” -> “turned her chair to the fire/around her the kitchen worked.” I’m sure whatever editor changed it didn’t do so with any kind of malice or agenda, they just weren’t paying enough attention and thought they were fixing a continuity mistake, but it’s just such beautiful writing that they removed.
Because they’ve just had this incredible, delicate, vulnerable conversation about the girl Jackrum left behind him, and that that girl was him, and that he has a son out in Scratz and he doesn’t know what to do now that he’s leaving the army. Polly cries. And it’s Polly who suggests that he really can remain Jack Jackrum, he can go back to his son in medals and braid and be his father, and Jack gets to really settle in to the idea that he can be happy that way. Both those pronouns being “her” doesn’t feel wrong, necessarily; I always read it as Polly processing. But the switch between the two sentences is so beautiful. It’s a gentle closing of the conversation, it’s that girl being fully put behind him, and Sergeant Major Jack Jackrum (retired) getting to go on with his life.
The last one is just… odd. Inexplicable, and it’s the hardest to explain as just an editorial accident. They added a word that specifies something that was not previously specified. “One of them was Maladicta, in full uniform” becomes “one of them was Maladicta, in full female uniform.” I was thinking about it on this reread, and Mal is the only member of the squad who wasn’t publically outed at the Keep. Mal wasn’t involved in the actual raid— too busy gibbering and sucking on a sack of coffee beans— and at the trial Mal kind of stood in the back vibrating from caffeine overdose. Even Jackrum said “with vampires, who cares”. Only Polly knows about Maladicta.
And what that means is that Mal is the only member of the squad who could reasonably remain presenting as male in the army. Polly encourages a couple of young recruits in the very end that it’s their choice to enlist as men or as women, with Mal right beside her, and I think the original ambiguity there is really lovely— it doesn’t matter if Mal has an ‘a’ on the end at the moment, because Mal is there to help Polly fuck shit up, and that’s what matters. By adding the specificity, they just… took away a really nice bit of subtext, a really nice effect.
So yeah, I’m ticked off as a queer person about the (minor) subversion of the book’s general gender fuckery, but I’m almost more ticked off as a writer. Pratchett was so talented, and we talk about it a lot on a large scale of themes and motifs and characters, but he was also just so fantastic on a sentence to sentence level. This is craft! This is really beautiful, delicate writing, elegantly put together and perfected, and some US editors just. Took out some of it. And it’s still an incredible book! As I mentioned, I had it in my bed for years as a teenager so I could reread it over and over, it means a ton to me, it’s my favourite of his work and I love his work! But it hurts to see these little places where it was originally even better.
#discworld#terry pratchett#monstrous regiment#gnu terry pratchett#pd alice talks#edit: fixed a couple typoes in the image descriptions whoops
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hello, my name's swellie 💖✨🌈
aka: new pinned post! new pinned post! read all abt it!
welcome to my blog! I started on here almost exactly a year ago, and since then I've learned not only so much about my pregnancy kink, but also about myself. being here has been formative for my kink exploration journey, and it's helped me deconstruct years of catholic school girl trauma (s/o to catholic guilt!).
This is a pregnancy and birth fetish vlog. This is an 18+ only environment. DO NOT INTERACT IF 18 OR YOUNGER. I am a 27 year old white cis woman with brown hair. I identify as a neurodivergent bisexual woman on the ace-spectrum. I live in the US - New England specifically!
I've had a pregnancy kink since I was a kid. I even got in trouble for google image searching "pregnat" on my childhood computer lol (it was 2006 folks, what else was i supposed to do?) I created this blog to share the beautiful side of this kink. I hope you enjoy! <3
Keep reading below!
As a queer person I will absolutely not condone any form of homophobia, transphobia, racism, misogyny, etc etc. I am an open and tolerant person, and please do not try to take advantage of me because of this. I mostly only follow back people whose content I enjoy seeing.
When I interact with kink content here, I mostly imagine myself as the pregnant carrier. I mostly get off to picturing myself in some sort of pain (i.e. labor) or I like to picture myself with a pregnant person.
Things I really enjoy:
Wearing a fake pregnant belly
Pregnant bellies (specifically, large pregnant bellies, smaller bellies, those with stretch marks, red bellies, moving bellies)
Breeding <3
Impregnation <3
Poking pregnant bellies, rubbing them etc
Stirrups, medical torture stuff, etc (FANTASY ONLY. I CANNOT REPEAT THAT ENOUGH. DO NOT INTERACT WITH ME IF YOU FEEL OTHERWISE)
Birth, birth denial, labor and contractions
Pregnant lesbians (because duh,,, I’m fucking gay)
Historical pregnancies or pregnancies set in the past
Clothes not being able to fit/spilling out of old clothes
Giant swollen boobs (especially with veins 🙈)
Giant bellies in laps <3
Waddling and being out of breathe, struggling to sit up, contractions, unable to get up from sitting, etc
Curves🤤🤤
I’m not into:
Anime/ drawings
Monster fucking, slime, pups/litter talk, etc
Mpreg
Beastiality, aliens, monsters, anything sci fi
Eggs or pushing out objects
Feederism, feedies, or stuffing (in very very specific circumstances I tolerate this)
Anything to do with fatphobia or shaming folks for their size/weight
Swollen feet
It gets weird when it gets misogonistic in a "I would actually vote to overturn roe v wade if I had the chance" kind of thing -- if it's fantasy/pure imagination, I'm all ears. But when I think you would actually hate crime me IRL..... that's when I [not-so] politely decline ❤️🫶🏻
Other disclaimers:
I am in a relationship right now and she knows about this blog and my kink. She is so supportive and I love her very much. We are very open to exploring ourselves sexually, but never, and I mean never, would I risk my relationship because of something on here. If you cross a line, I will immediately tell you. Please do not assume I want to fuck you or be in a relationship with you in real life, this is purely for kink purposes. I think of you as my friends! If I talk to you, or respond to your DM's or like your content occasionally, that means I'm grateful to have you in my life and you make my life better by being in it. Xoxo, thank you for understanding!
Please send me asks, tell me about your fantasies, ask me questions about my fetish. I want to learn more about you as well! I’m an open book when it comes to most things, I promise I won’t judge you 🙈
I don’t want to tell you my real name, where I live, or anything about me in real life. You won’t ever see my face. It’s what I’m comfortable with, full stop. If you do get my name or anything from me, it’s for you only. Do not share that without my consent. For purposes of this blog, you can call me Swellie 🤪
I love interacting with mutuals through tags and captions 💋 it’s my way of flirting and will swoon if you do the same
Happy swelling, babies 🫡
#happy one year tumblrversary!#so grateful to be here#updated my pinned post for 2024#xoxo#pinned post
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hey not rly a question just saying i appreciate your 2cents on things generally. i am a gnc transfem but am really a boy more than anything so someone looking out for those of us who arent palettably feminine is rly cool of you. a lot of the stuff you mentioned in your long post just now hits at some of the stuff thats making me feel uneasy around some of my transfem friends. i fear if i was fully myself i wouldnt be accepted. i hate to feel too queer for fellow queers, but.
but yea anyway most of the time ive known i was trans most of my friends had actually been trans guys so when i hear this anti transmasc rhetoric going around it makes me rly uncomfortable im sick of the idea that trans guys have it easy. its not true and not fair
do you fear being not accepted by others like you too? is this normal? idk. i didnt feel this when i came out 5 years ago this is new to me
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with that, and I can relate. Essentially I came out as a binary trans person a decade ago and raced to transition as quickly as possible (it was not fast, it was slow and frustrating) and when I finally got there then I had to endure Gender Crisis 2 where I realized I wasn’t this binary gender either.
It was very difficult to sort out. Did I just not feel special enough as Gender 2? Was I faking this whole time and was really just cis? Was I detransitioning? It took a lot to figure out what I wanted, how I wanted to be seen, and to grapple with the idea that it will continue to fluctuate.
I am masc but do not consider myself a man. Boy, maybe. Do I see myself as a woman? Also no. Girl, maybe. But a masculine girl. I think my boyness is more feminine than my girlness…but still both…butch.
I am trans but not a trans woman or a trans man. While figuring myself out in round two I flirted with transmasc/transfemme as labels, but neither fit better than the other. Or maybe neither fit. I know some use transfemmemasc but idk that I like it for me. I use trans women’s shaving tips. I use trans men’s voice training tips. There are members of both camps who wouldn’t consider me one of them.
I currently work a full-time job. I cannot present or fluctuate in my presentation when I want to. We have gendered locker rooms, gendered bathrooms, my ID badge has a photo that doesn’t look like me. I think a lot about that post that’s like “I might be nonbinary but I have a job so I can’t worry about that right now.” Only, I already know I am nonbinary. I’ve already been out to a lot of people IRL. How do you put that cat back in the bag? Can you? If I was allowed to present how I want now and everyone was cool…will they still be understanding when it swings back the other way? I don’t want that sort of pressure at work.
I am lucky I have a partner who understands and likes my presentation—and spectrum of it. I have trans friends who understand or try to understand, and genderweird friends who get it. It is a bit isolating—how everything is split into one camp or another. Things I supposedly couldn’t relate to I do, things I am not meant to have experienced (or acknowledge I experience) are not welcome topics in trans discourse.
It is difficult! There are huge Boy v Girl (but make it progressive) pissing contests on tumblr and it’s very irritating how deep the anger goes. Carve room for yourself and you’re accused of belonging to the other camp, as if it really even is ‘the other’ camp, it’s the same fucking camp.
I started to identify with the word butch only in the last few years, and because my gender exploration had taken me back to the trans folks of yore. They were brash and bold and contradictory and I liked that! It made me yearn for vague labels and defiant privacy while also being unabashedly authentic! Then I learned that it still exists. It’s small, and got pushed to the fringes, sure. But I’ve only had access to the books and zines and tales of the genderweird from the internet, and to hear it resonate with so many others proves to me we’re still out there.
It’s very tough to want to be true to yourself when there is a constant pressure to conform to something. It’s doubly tough when that pressure comes from other trans people. But finding more and more people who live this way and feel this way makes me feel surer in my choice to just loudly be what I am, fuck the rest, whenever I can.
I cannot always look how I want or be seen how I want, so the spaces where I do have control I refuse to be anything other than what I am 110%
I really hope you can find more and more space that lets you exist in the grey. I hope your friends become more accepting. In the meantime and hopefully continuously in tandem—you are not alone in this experience and others out there understand what it’s like. ❤️
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Brain Curd #40
Brain Curds are lightly edited flash fiction - practically first drafts - posted daily and sometimes written with the express intention of being terrible… but, you know, in an endearing way. Please enjoy.
Brayden took a pained swig of his black coffee, which he drank purely for aesthetic reasons, and rubbed his head. “Let me get this straight…”
“You?” said Alice. “Never.”
“You want me to fuck that virgin, blindfolded, to settle a bet?”
“Yeah.”
“How is it that you so easily,” he fluttered his hands like a butterfly, “let things like this exit your mouth?”
Alice took another sip of her matcha. “I like to have a variety of things in my mouth. Something has to leave eventually.”
“And you,” he pointed at Sarah. “Aren’t you supposed to be homophobic?”
“I’m trans.” She replied.
“But you’re religious.”
“It’s not my soul on God’s chopping block. You were going to have sex anyway.”
Brayden paused. “I can’t argue with that.”
“Look, it’s simple.” Alice put her hand on his shoulder. “We flip a coin - heads he gets vag, tails he gets tail. Then we ask him which hole he thinks he was in.”
Brayden smirked. “What about heads he gets head?”
“That’s not part of the bet.” Alice shook her head.
“Wait!” Sarah daintily slammed her hands onto the table. “We have to do it in the butt first!”
“What does the poophole loophole have to do with our bet?” Alice replied. “It’s like you said, you aren’t going to hell for his sluttery.”
“You’re forgetting the whole point! If you start the virgin in the front hole, he’ll know immediately that something is different when you move to the back!”
“So you admit he’ll be able to tell.”
“Yeah, we’re going back-to-back here!”
“Back to front.”
“Front to back.” Brayden added. “Stink to pink is how you get an infection.”
“Stay out of this.” Alice put her hand to his face. “You can’t just change the terms of the bet willy-nilly, Sarah.”
“That was my nickname in high school,” Brayden replied.
“What we’re really trying to determine,” Sarah said, exasperated, “is whether a guy can tell he’s not in the intended hole. You always hear guys say they missed! That they didn’t know they went the wrong way! What we need to do is have him go in the back and tell him he’s going in the front.”
“Is that ethical?” Brayden asked.
“That completely demolishes the integrity of this experiment!” Alice crossed her arms. “Forget it!”
The three sat in silence for a moment. Brayden took another sip of bitter coffee and looked at the test subject, mopping behind the counter. “He’s kinda cute, though.”
Lily, the fourth member of the group (though first if you’d asked her), entered the cafe and saw her friends sitting at their usual table. She rushed over and sat down.
“Guys, guys, guys! You won’t believe what just happened to me on the train!”
“If it were me,” Brayden replied, “I’d say the answer was hidden in the question. ‘Guys, guys, guys’ running a train.”
“In public?” Sarah asked, shocked.
“No, but there would be cameras.”
“It wasn’t anything like that,” Lily blushed. “I saw this cute trans girl sitting alone, so I sat next to her…”
Alice rolled her eyes. “You always do fall for the clocky ones.”
“Anyway, we got talking and we have a lot in common. She gave me her Insta.”
“Are you going on a date?” Sarah took a sip of her melting frappe. “That’s so cute. Love at first sight is adorable.”
“Well, yeah, I did ask her out actually, to a kink club. She said yes.”
“For the first date?!?”
“You just don’t understand T4T lesbian culture, Sarah. Of course for the first date. You can’t go to dinner with someone until you know you can hold a conversation.”
Alice nodded. “It’s true.”
“But there’s a problem! I looked at her Instagram, and…” Lily put her hands on her cheeks. “She’s cis!”
#NSC Original#brain curd#brain curds#writing#creative writing#writeblr#flash fiction#author#writer things#writers#writers on tumblr#writers of tumblr#writerscommunity#women writers#female writers#queer writers#Passable.#sitcom#gay#lgbt#queer#lesbian#transgender#trans#basically gay seinfeld#Brayden#Alice#Sarah#Lily#No Fanfic Friday this week as I am... not in the mood for it.
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do my fellow autohomoerotics experience anything similar?
alloandrophilic life cycle:
1.alloandrophilia predictably hits, target is typically a cis man, sometimes a deeply repressed proto-trans woman (it’s easier when it’s parasocial but unfortunately it’s IRL sometimes—sometimes like a lesbian, i choose an unavailable one). the feeling is good, typically, and i have auto-androphilia for him, too. the kind of man i’m attracted to is usually one i’d want to emulate. also the fantasies are super predictably auto-homoerotic as fuck (the idea is i’d also be a guy)
2.I learn that i’m objectively inferior to him because i am (and sometimes it’s because he’s normie in addition to male) i used to approach, but have given that up in recent years after repeated rejections. i get angry, internally, but don’t let it go anywhere. violent thoughts towards myself and others, inc. target. he would also never accommodate my delusions, my sexuality is estrogenic so i think about the future and realize that obviously anyone who is attracted to me is attracted to women and not to autohomoerotic ftms. my blackpills tell me that even well adjusted bi men wouldn’t.(this is due to my horrible personality, so it’s specific to me) i absolutely cannot approach my latest target, it would be inviable due to other unrelated incompatibilities but i won’t get too into that—doesn’t stop the cycle from proceeding.
3.i have thoughts of suicide every day. i rarely can cry, but then i do. (i’m not on testosterone or anything i’m just repressing) for how long these thoughts last depends on how far it got with my delusions. i’m really good at making the cycle go by quickly—classic comphet, i guess i have this in common w the type 1’s. but when i actually have gotten the opportunity to be one of his orbiters, it lasts longer—i’m usually so inferior to his other orbiters. i feel guilty for implicating him.
4.i retreat into a ground state of asexuality, hyper-romantic fanfic-tropey bihet female sexuality. this is my equilibriated comfort zone. of course, i still repress and carry in me intense cross-sex desires. i realize that i am too highly feminine in my thinking- i catch feelings, i’m emotional as fuck, i’m fembrained as all hell, not built for what i perceive from across the cultural and physiological aisle as the casual, animalistic, cult of physical beauty which everything about my socialization and my nerdy femcel predilections has told me i would never in a million years fit into (and on this point i’m right). I have a horrible body and personality, so i find myself falling back on the tropes of cis womanhood when realistically thinking of enticing targets, where almost zero for (gay ftms? they/them perhaps?) exist. I start recovering from my fixation on my alloandrophilic target, and make a return to woman with a private daydream.
written just now in a moment of self-awareness i think… like genuinely what the fuck is wrong.
is this just suicidal or am i a lesbian all along. do others… like me… experience something similar… is this what it feels like to supposed to have been a man yet have a sex drive dominated by estrogen or is this a secret 3rd worse thing? or AUTISM probably? this should be included in a write-up on autistic girls and how we think. i’m throwing things at the wall in the hopes something sticks wrt my guesses here.
is is just me?
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gender is such a fucking weird thing cause like, im fine with being a girl. im fine being perceived as a girl. im fine looking feminine (to a degree, like feminine in a guy way(???)), its all good. but like, things would be so much easier if i were a cis guy. my dad would actually like me, i’d be able to get away with being loud and making dumb jokes, i’d actually be capable of making and maintaining friendships, i’d be able to look in a mirror without being literally revolted. and, yeah, looking at this i might be projecting a lot of my problems onto the fact that i’m not entirely comfortable with my gender because it’s difficult to think of another thing that might actually cause these problems. i don’t know, i don’t care too much for labels but i just want to be able to know what i am. i guess maybe i’m just me. maybe it’s an appearance thing for me? like, more than anything i want top surgery, or at least a binder (not like either of those things would really be attainable for me at the moment). but its also kind of a social thing, maybe thats just because even now, men are treated so much better than women. thinking about it, maybe if misogyny wasn’t really a thing i’d be at least moderately comfortable being a woman. who knows? oh well. rant over. i want top surgery. cant get that tho!! also cant get a binder. you’d think having one parent who supports trans people would be enough but NOPE!!! my dad being a transphobic little bitch does in fact ruin everything for me. okay buh bye
#this is so convoluted#apologies#rant#vent#transgender#???#maybe#we’ll never know#im mysterious like that
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The world is good, sometimes
So... I was getting pizza at this kebab joint today (Germany be like that).
And it was in this wreck of an Eastern German town, with more skeletons of former shops than is probably healthy for a town, with the kebab shop nestled into the side of a big chain super market. The town itself, btw, is about as conservative as the rest of East Germany right now, which... it’s not great. Quite the opposite of great, tbh.
Anyway, I was getting pizza, and as I was about to pay, the woman behind the counter gave me this look. This once-over that my mind immidietly filed as “oh no, this person heard of trans people”.
For context: I was wearing a binder, an MCR T-Shirt, men's shorts, and shoes with rainbow-coloured laces. I also still have a mowhawk, and had managed to give my order in my best approximation of a male voice that I can do without T. I also have zero reference for how well I pass when like this.
See, I'm an idiot, who's (relatively) fresh out of the closet, and still relies on being able to fall back on the old "oh no, I'm just very flat and gnc, haha" trick when necessary (or panicking), because that had and has worked for years (even on myself). Only that the trick hurts more, now, and I'm a really shitty liar when caught unawares.
So the woman gave me this look and I hurried to get my defences up. In my mind, I had been clocked, and this would be the first time I would have to deal with a bigot directly, and I was not prepared.
She counted out my change, handed it to me and asked, in a friendlier tone than I expected, as if she legitimately just wanted to check: “You are a boy, right?”
And I hesitated for maybe half a second (”This town is way more dangerous ground than uni, But you’re out of here within the next thirty seconds anyway, and this is the least painful way to get to the end of this exchange, so fuck it, you can bluff being cis.”), before I gave a nod (which, in retrospect, probably looked a little too enthusiastic and relieved for plausible deniability, but what can you do when social anxiety rules your brain). And she smiled and nodded, and I thought the exchange was over, but then she said:
“You know, there is someone coming in here every now and then, looks like a boy but is actually a girl.”
And I kinda stood there like... 'huh?', and I didn’t say anything to that, just took my pizza, nodded, said “Thank you” and disappeared onto the street.
The reason I write this post is... Like, I know how that last sentence sounds? But I’m telling you, I’m telling you, her smile was so warm and nice, I legit think she was being affirming. I don’t know if she was talking about a gnc woman or a trans woman (or both?), but I am quite certain she wasn’t talking about someone like me. And I am that certain, because... because she kept smiling at me like that, warm and friendly, even as my stupid voice cracked on the first syllable of “Thank you”. See... I think she knew, and I think she wanted to be nice and not assume, and so she just asked me, and then tried to reassure me, and...
And...
Well. Do you know The Grin? If you're trans, you most certainly do, and if you're cis... I guess it depends.
The Grin is a thing that happens when gender euphoria happens. It spreads across your face, and you can't stop it, you can't escape it, and it will stay there, it will stay and you will grin like a fucking idiot ("like a honey-cake horse", if you're German (gods, how I hate that phrase)), and it is the most wonderful thing in the whole world.
I was grinning like that all the way to the car, and for a good while after, and as I am typing this now, it is coming back to tug on my face yet again. Honestly, I'm kind of suprised I even made it to the car, because it wasn't just my face that had to yield to the joy. My whole body felt light as a fucking feather, my legs were half-way to jello by the time I got to sit down again, my chest felt like I could breathe fully and freely for the first time in millenia, and the whole time, I was feeling like I was a kid again, like nothing was wrong in the world, like magic was real and I alone got to see it.
The world is good, sometimes.
The world is good.
#the world is good#trans#trans joy#as a personal post this is giving me anxiety like hell but I also really needed to put this out there#the egg that bought this tshirt would lose his shit probably#'what do you mean you ordered a pizza without having at least three panic attacks about it'#'also what is this trans thing you keep going on about'#not about books
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The majority of Olympian Greek Gods as described in myth: bearded, thick, muscular, could be hairy and fat so long as they were powerful and athletic, they are the peak of Greek Masculinity. Thick facial hair is a must for all but the gods representing youth like Hermes and Apollo, so those guys had thick black curling beards to show their strong masculinity.
Dionysus as described in like half his mythology: youthful, one of the youngest of the Olympians, beautiful as a woman, raised as a girl in some myths, crossdresses in some myths, frequently considered unworthy of respect or recognition because of his slight and feminine appearance. He is small, slender and feminine and despite that is fierce and frenzied in battle and leads many frenzied and violent women to war with him. He is a god of war, madness and outsiders along with wine. The partying was less a spirit of chill relaxation and more frenzied nihilistic chaos as a rebellion against surrendering to the nothingness of not belonging or being accepted.
And yet. *and yet* people will throw themselves into a tantrum over making the the femme god of Olympus have one of the most masculine bodies and then throw lipstick on it and argue they’ve made it it femme and that to argue differently is body shaming because Dionysus is they’re hill to die on because all they know of him is the basic concept of Wine and Parties. They have taken the concept of Bacchus, modern interpretation and extraction and simplification and ideas and pushed it on a god who never represented the concepts in the ways that they have come to mean.
I understand that Jack Black as Dionysus started as a really fun joke, but. Dionysus has mythology. He has a whole story and it’s rich with character that *isn’t* true to the characterization of “jolly party dude who brings the drinks”
And yes this is my personal Greek Mythology pet peeve that nobody else cares about but me, so what? I’m tired of having people literally try to talk me out of “canonically accurate Dionysus” because they think Greek Mythology is somehow missing fat hairy manly representation.
I’ve seen people argue that Hermes, Apollo and Dionysus shouldn’t be twinks, there are too many twinks in the Olympian Gods. And they chose to pick the three that literally like. Represent the youthful men. If you want bears there’s literally *everyone else.* You can interpret literally every other male adult god as having hair, muscle and body fat in any combination you so desire and they are *perfect* for it. Heracles is right *there*. He’s also a “mortal” son of Zeus who ascends to Olympus and I don’t know of anyone else who would count as a man who would be a giant hairy man as much as Heracles. He and Dionysus are fucking bros. There’s plenty of room for body diversity and bears and fat guys who are buff.
Taking the *one* god explicitly described as “small and slender like a woman” and fighting tooth and nail over how that could definitely actually mean anything if you change the definition. It’s taking rep away. It’s not body positivity, it’s not inclusivity it’s exclusion. You’ve taken a trans man and made him a cis man who might be a drag queen because that’s like. “The same thing, right? It’s all the same.”
That’s it. That’s why it pisses me off. Rant over.
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Am I being petty? My dad is always saying stuff like “I’m praying for you to be successful” or “god made you perfect”. I know he means well but it’s so uncomfortable whenever he does those things. I don’t want you to pray for me, I need real help. You don’t know the real me and you probably wouldn’t be as proud if you did. He still thinks I’m the perfect Christian boy instead of an atheist who’s figuring out their gender. He claims to love and support whatever I want, but he always leaves out being a girl when listing off topics, and has questioned me at random times about trans athletes when I’m too tired to think of an answer.
In my opinion, absolutely not.
I was actually just talking about the prayer thing with my friend last night. So many christians use prayer as almost a silencing method, whether intentionally or unintentionally. When I left the church I realized just how abysmal my comforting/supporting methods were because while I was in the church, I and everyone around me relied on cutting uncomfortable topics short with "well I'll be praying for you" or ask to pray with you about it, and offer literally NO other support while also expecting prayer to, just fix it magically. Hilariously, the same people that are always like, "god's not a genie, you're praying wrong if you're expecting him to answer every prayer you have" seem to ask for and expect genie-like responses from him while doing NO work of their own to support the people they're praying for. Prayer is Very Very often used as a substitute for support. Even when I was deep in the church it never felt sufficient, but I couldn't say anything because it was supposed to be sufficient and if it wasn't sufficient that was a problem with me and my "sinful nature". Churches and christians that focus on prayer over actually being the hands and feet of jesus (fucking doing something about it) aren't fostering proper community and support. They're fostering a culture of not being able to talk about difficult things, of suffering in silence, and of relying on a silent and unprovable god which often results in being taught to rely solely on yourself.
I really feel for you with the gender thing. I don't know the full context of your specific situation but I see "god made you perfect" used to silence any notion of being trans far, far too often. The implication being, being cis is the default, being trans is going against who "god made you to be", etc. I've noticed this especially of christians who believe in complementarianism (men and women have different roles to fulfill), many of them tend to "love and support whoever you are"........ so long as it falls into their tiny box of what they deem acceptable. I don't want to turn this into a whole thing about gender but even in a worldview that doesn't recognize the existence of trans people, there isn't a definition of womanhood that includes every woman and excludes every non-woman and vice versa for men ("a woman is someone who can have babies" excludes those with infertility issues, something that affects up to 20% of women, "a woman is someone who has XX chromosomes" excludes intersex women, "a woman is someone who has a uterus" excludes women who have had hysterectomies, "a woman is someone who has had a uterus at SOME point" excludes women that simply born without one, which happens to about 1 in 5000 based on a quick google, etc etc). My point being, they're trying to draw these confining and limiting boxes where they can't. Humans don't work like that. Their idea of perfection is something that is simply biologically and sociologically and historically unsupported. Gender is complicated because humans are complicated. It's disappointing that some people can't see the beauty in that and it's devastating that it often causes so much pain and suffering to those around them.
I really hope you're able to find proper support. If possible, I encourage you to (safely!!!) continue exploring your gender. And it makes complete sense that you'd feel uncomfortable about these things. Prayer without proper support is skirting responsibility at best. Tearing down trans athletes and doing the christian "god made you perfect" thing with the implication of cis being the default is not a supportive environment to be around. I'm not going to be able to remember the quote verbatim but one of my favorite god/trans quotes is something along the lines of "god made trans people for the same reason he made wheat but not bread and grapes but not wine; so humanity may share in the act of creation". I'm not necessarily encouraging this as a "gotcha" statement, I can hear in my head exactly how my church would respond to that. But outside the church I think it's a beautiful reframe despite me not believing in god anymore. And if you would prefer something less religiously related: I'm deeply sorry you're not in a supportive environment. There's nothing wrong with you. As far as I can tell you're having a very normal reaction to the shit you're having to put up with and the situation you're in.
#i hope you don't mind me responding publicly#if you're uncomfortable with it i'll absolutely take it down but all this is something i've been thinking about for a bit lol#also just to say it to anybody reading: it is 1000% okay to explore your gender and come to the conclusion that you're cis#like peer reviewing your own gender is a good thing and it's okay if the conclusion you come to is “no this is correct actually”#saying that bc i think sometimes people get nervous to explore their gender#bc there's sometimes an expectation that you'll come out trans at the end of it#ofc it's fine and cool and beautiful if you go through it and realize you're trans#but the same is true if you come out of it with a better understanding of your gender and it happens to be cis#ANYWAY i've rambled enough#ask
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Can I go on a bit of a rant here?
I’ve heard other people talk about this but I think about it a lot so I figured I’d join the discussion. I’m a gay trans man who came out as gay only a year or 2 ago but I’ve dated a few men. Feel free to add your 2 cents if you’re also gay or just male loving. Any homophobia and/or hate will be deleted and blocked. Now here’s my rant lol
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I have really bad internalized homophobia
like I keep thinking I’d be better as a cis lesbian or at least as a straight guy
like, why can’t I just be a normal dude and like girls? Why did I have to like guys?
Everybody says girls are better and guys are trash. It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me that I don’t feel that way for girls
I’m proud of my identity, don’t get me wrong. But, still.
I know the joke “men are trash, I feel bad for you.” It’s funny and I make those jokes too, but that can really fuck up me and some others
it makes me feel like I should be ashamed of liking them and setting myself up for a lifetime of heartbreak. It feels like it would be easier to just date a girl and not get my heart broken, even if I’m not happy.
it’s not that I feel like I’m a freak and feel like I have to change my identity or again but sometimes I think I should have stayed a straight girl and not stand out so much, as miserable as that was. I don’t feel like I’m disgusting or anything, I just feel like I shouldn’t like guys and have to pretend I don’t sometimes.
“Women are goddesses and men are trash” is all I ever hear. I feel like I’m sick, sick for feeling that for men and not women.
i understand the men are trash joke, but eventually it stops being funny and starts being hurtful.
i just wish I was more “normal” sometimes. Everyone would be happier if I just married a woman because if I’m a man that’s more “normal”.
I’ve dated guys but mostly girls flirt with me. Maybe life would be easier if I had a girlfriend and didn’t constantly chase men that don’t want me. I’m pretty confident I don’t like women and I love men, but sometimes my mommy issues and internalized misogyny get in my head and tell me I should like women
I mean I know the whole point of being queer is that we’re not normal and fit outside the box. I’m proud of being queer, I really am. Just sometimes I wish I wasn’t. Same thing with being trans, I wish I was a cis guy and don’t have to fight for my identity so much. Espically in todays world
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I wrote this awhile ago and don’t really feel like this anymore but… I still have a feeling that I like women but I think that’s more because i feel like I have to than I actually do
I think that’s a bit too much ranting for me but let me know what you all think. I may or may not revise this at a later date but I feel like since it’s pride month it’s perfect time to open discussion to topics like this. Any mlm or nblm feel free to add your thoughts to this.
love you all, thanks for reading my madness haha
#mlm#gay#lgbt#nblm#Non mlm dni#mlnb#Gay men#bi men#pan men#Poly men#gnc men#Spreading awareness#xans rants
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thinking about an old post of mine that inspired minor drama relatively recently (by being taken out of context and accused of being TERFy, as ppl do), and how the feelings it was about have changed over time.
the point of contention was basically me writing about how trans women didn’t feel like Representation to me, as a “woman” (retrospective scare quotes).
that is to say that - whatever it is you are supposed to feel, as a woman, when someone is like the First Woman To Blah, or when women get to be badass in a movie for a change* - a trans woman wouldn’t make me feel it.
In the fictional context it would be more like, idk, more and better black people representation — a feeling of “I definitely think everyone should have this stuff, and moreover that art should delve into the complexity of all human experiences not just those of a narrow demographic, and so I approve, but I couldn’t claim to have a personal connection to the Representation(tm) side of this, I don’t in any sense beyond empathy with another human (and perhaps their particular traits and/or circumstances beyond demographic markers) see ‘me’ reflected on the screen.”
and in the nonfictional context it was maybe ‘worse’ - I just felt like a lot of the time it wasn’t the same thing at all? like, if you accept as a premise that the reason any random woman is supposed to care about the First Woman To Blah is because it represents breaking through barriers that she (the random woman) had been subjected to all her life — then I very much felt like my experience of that had always been of people pointing to things that they thought were innately, biologically, unchangeably true about the sort of body that gets you assigned female at birth as the reason I should be gatekept from stuff. I felt like the same people who gatekept me from stuff would be, if anything, pushing trans women towards it in the belief that they were men and should do Man Things. I do get now that it’s a lot more complicated than that. And even at the time I certainly knew the fact of being trans could and would be a huge discrimination barrier, I just figured that this was a different barrier. But obviously also there are just trans women out there living as women and getting discriminated against as woman because bigots aren’t parsimonious and also trans status is hardly universally accurately discernible.
(* which presumably I must have felt, at least somewhat and in some contexts back then in order to make the comparison. I seem to remember that I did. I’m not really taking a stance on whether or not I do now or in what situations bc tbh I’m really not sure)
and also i just on some level didn’t look at these girls and see someone who was like me and the thing is that these days I 100% do, and it’s all because I a know enough people now not to alieve any amount of the ‘lies to kids cis people’ version of what a trans woman is.
it was actually really harmful to my understanding of any of this to have it presented as if trans women were just AMAB women without any of the conflict and resentment around socially inhabiting a female identity that, to me, had always defined the experience of inhabiting a female identity.
so now i’m like oh yay other people who think gender is stupid but not in the same way as nonbinary people, inhabiting female social identities and feeling weird about it. Maybe someone else who revels in the weirdness of identifying with the ‘she’ in ‘suck her dick sunday’ as an expression of amused disdain about the notion that this is a juxtaposition and also because it feels nice to get your dick sucked! maybe not. but she’s ~me or close enough. cis chicks can be ~me too but tbh they’re on thin fucking ice. or maybe no one is. maybe Representation was stupid all along idk
#my gender identity will be incoherent or it will be bullshit#there isn’t really a point to this btw you were just here to hear me ramble about stuff
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This is, like, 98% vent so take the usual precautions and etiquette on that.
Like, so, I’ve had a hard week. I’ve had a very very hard week even for me. I lost my whole entire voice, I had an evening so awful it was comical, my best friend had his very nice expensive desktop computer get shorted out and his dog badly mauled by an off leash beast, and my sibling straight up had to endure dramatically unexpected gun violence.
So it was.... it was very not good. I literally think it’s been more than five years since I actually became nonverbal, much less for more than a full day. But I am, keep in mind, a mentor for a group of underprivileged trans youth. Yes, I live in poverty, so do they. I make a pretty good mentor. I know the kinds of shit that the cis lady leading the group straight up never would have considered.
Case in point, we’re not quite a full year strong but I’ve watched my kids grow up, I really really have. It’s magical. I would take a bullet for any one of the kids. One of them is straight up by baby brother now and the second I see him post COVID I’m pretty sure I will cry and cry and cry and maybe we can hug. But this week the focus was Pride. And, y’all, apparently the basic understanding of Pride is kinda rough.
Like, okay, yeah, Stonewall. And God and Jesus and All The Little Baby Angels bless and sing to Marsha P. Johnson. But that’s not the end, that’s the start. It’s so wild to me that Stonewall is like, “And that’s the story of queer pride. The end.”
Babes and Elders, Friends and Enemies, Autists and The Less Fortunate, Gentlefolk and Ungentlefolk, I am not that fucking old at all. But I remember the brutal murders of Brandon Teena and Matthew Shepard being subject to humiliating jokes. It’s what I grew up with. My first understanding of ‘gay’ was that it killed you, painfully and horribly but for some reason that was okay and no one minded too much. It was even meant to be funny most of the time. I grew up at the tail end of a mass death, when RENT premiered (stage show, not movie) I was 7 and AZT was the best you could possibly hope for.
Now we have PrEP and AIDS isn’t a death sentence, we even talk about it now like a mildly more scandalous STD than the usual ones instead of.... well, like it was talked about in RENT. Death. Just death. And gay used to mean AIDS so gay was uncompromising slow death. Gay was prostitution and drugs and death.
Like, it’s very hard to articulate how different it was just twenty years ago. I even smiled at my daddy once and said, “I don’t have to tell you how I voted, but I will tell you that people who vote how you do drag people like me behind trucks.” That was the only time I can remember shutting him up in an argument, he couldn’t pivot, he tried a little with “I never” and I was immediately, “No, say I’m wrong and we’ll have a conversation.” so he just.... walked away. It was the most honest he ever was in acknowledging that, yeah, I was extremely brave. I was willing to die and he wasn’t willing to protect me. It was the bravest I’ve ever felt in my life.
And I am still, as I said, very young. I come from a third world region of an allegedly first world country. (I can get into the racist implications of that but this is a vent post so I’m not going to dissect everything.) So my experience? Still magical and impossible. Having to shove away earnest lesbians even though RadFems assured me I was just a closeted lesbian and only men had this and it was called autogynophillia and was a fetish. I only craved male power and was nervous about being with girls. I was not, they were wrong, but the idea of maybe if I date girls I’ll be normal and safe in 2003 is way way way past anything a bitsy baby transman would guess at in 1983. The way progress marches is not.... not easy to follow.
I didn’t expect to be a queer educator. I didn’t plan to be an ‘’’expert’’’ but now I am because I hear things like, “Maybe putting out all those pride flags is baiting a bear with the man who keeps threatening to kill you” and my whole self leaps out with, “That was wrong what this woman I trust said. You have to make a choice, sure, and I will not tell you which is wrong and which is right but Pride has never been about being quiet and meek and trying not to be bothered. I’m not going to tell you to keep fighting or to do anything you don’t want to, but I will say that Pride is emphatically not about keeping yourself safe. If you want to stand up then I support you, if you want to keep yourself safe I support you. Because the road to where we are right now? It is covered in the spilled blood of martyrs and I would never ask you to do that, never ask anyone to, but I would also never ever tell you to back down and be safe. Stonewall wasn’t safe.”
And, that’s crazy, right? Telling a kid that we do stand on the shoulders of giants, but those giants did not live to see today? Like, Harvey Milk (who I did not get into) wasn’t shot because he was too good at politics. Some people are alive now, some, a few, a small number. I am one of the youngest somehow, one of the younger of the older generation which is wild to me, impossible. Like, if you’re maybe 40 at the most then you’re the first of the ones that didn’t face The Dying Times, which means the people who dealt with the shit from Stonewall and the following horrors are just.... just gone.
I was stunned this kids didn’t realize the actual genocide made of purposeful neglect had even... even occurred. It was disturbing. I cannot remember the actual square on the quilt, so if you find it then thank you, but it was roughly “I am 19 and will be dead in three months. That’s very sad.”
I’s just, Christ, maybe we need to do a little better education? Maybe a little more on the why of how now came to be? On why Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was revolutionary, on how “In 1960 49 states had anti-sodomy laws criminalizing homosexuality” ignores that in 2015 plenty of states still had those laws on the books? It’s frustrating, is all, it’s very frustrating.
#this is so very clearly a personal post#painfully so#if you want to take bits then ask me and i will likely say yes#if you want to argue then first of all do not and second of all message me#this is obviously not for reblogging#again dog mauled#voice gone#week bad#i do not need a hard fucking time#if you give me one then okay?#i guess i'll deal with that#but like maybe don't?#i'll even put things together more cleanly and articulately if you ask
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I hope some of my residents or students or whatever (I’m 19, they’re all adults) have a crush on me…aghhh. Maybe a “I need RA Valerie like I need air” or a “RA Valerie is so fineeeee I want them so badddd” or even “Dude RA Valerie’s ass is so fat DAMN!” Anything would fix me. I miss being someone people had crushes on. This noticeably vanished as I put on the weight I did. But I am cute!! I wish I knew if people had casual crushes on me. What they think of me, if they see me like that.
I’m respected, I’m well liked, I’m admired, but am I…coveted? Do people want me to dominate them? Do people want to dominate me? If any of this is at all possible it’s probably the former. This is what people tend to want of me. I’m tall and assertive and direct. I’m also in four different positions where I’m something like a teacher or authority. I’m not really like that in bed. I’m more into power struggles than anything, and I HATE BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO DOMS. UGH!!! FUCK THAT SHIT!!! You will NEVER catch me doing that shit again.
I think one student of mine has/had a crush on me. He came in for stats tutoring. One time my friend and I and him were all chatting when he mentioned he forgot to take his meds. I was all, “go take your meds.” And he was all, “LOL I won’t do that I need to be mommied into that” and I took that literally. I didn’t realize that saying things like “So you feel bad. And when you take your medicine, you feel better, right? So what do you think we should do? Yes, good. I’ll be right here when you come back. I promise” would turn him on. According to my friend and also me because he was literally falling apart next to me, he was super red. And also vocalizing that this was super hot of me. It just now occured to me that actually this was at the same time that I had to work one table over from my fuck ass ex. Meaning. They probably heard it. And given that they wanted me to call them good girl in bed I hope that made them miserable. Important to mention: I am not into any of that at all, whether it be giving or receiving. I’m amazed I was able to pull that off for my ex without vomiting, and this incident was fully something I thought was a joke. I also thought his flustered reaction was a joke, since people treat the idea of being attracted to me as a joke. But it was not!
The only reason I didn’t feel super uncomfortable is because this student of mine isn’t a cis guy. I would’ve never even thought to entertain that if it was some cishet guy. I thought the whole thing was a bit (it was not). Whoops. In another session afterwards, I was tutoring him and my mentee. I mentioned I was single and lonely and he was like omg me too…we could just date each other hahaha! And I brushed it off. I am openly a lesbian I think. I probably should’ve mentioned that directly. Either way, it was nice knowing I’m attractive to someone…it didn’t seem like this was a serious crush I think he just fancied me. So I don’t think a rejection is morally necessary. Honestly, I’m still not sure. Lesbian seems to fit me the closest as of now, but that could change.
I’m not inclined to date a student or a resident of mine. Seeking that out from the position I’m in seems unethical. But if I’m not the one making the advances I’m not too opposed. It’s just not something I consider. The power dynamic is extremely minimal…I’m around a year older than these people, sometimes they’re older than me. That said, I do wish that instead of being this role model student I could be someone many people had small crushes on. I hope I expressed that right
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