#also its been so long i cant find any of the pics i took of the book so behold my lemon cake
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Emma by Jane Austen | 2.5/5
I have been sitting on this negative review of Emma for over a year so pls pretend I am charmingly tortured by my mixed feelings for this beloved classic rather than just a little hater.
I decided to read Emma because the Austen girlies are unstoppable. Every day I wake up for my twelve hour shift in the content mines of tumblr.fuck (for the purpose of this sentence we are both grizzled elderly men sitting on a porch just go with it) and find another post about how Jane Austen is the best thing since before sliced bread. Eat your heart out Shakespeare; if only you’d done all your plays about falling in love. These posts are a bit of a mindfuck for me because as much as I love a costume drama, Austen’s actual novels have always been underwhelming. One of my best friends is an Austen girlie. She loves the things. I dunno man, these books do not spark joy. But maybe I was just young dumb and a hater. Emma (2020) is my favourite Austen movie, so when I decided to reinvestigate the author I thought I’d start there.
The movie is better than the book. Shocked gasps; questions asked at parliament.
Emma (2020) is a great adaptation in part because it’s well positioned to keep the best parts of the book. My favourite part of the novel was the dialogue, which the film is able to lift often ad verbatim (“Mother, you simply must sample the tart!”). The patter of conversation is excellent and Austen’s sense of humor comes across just as effectively on the page as it does when spoken aloud. To this the visual medium can add the incredible set design, including the beautiful Regency wallpapers, Emma’s many jackets and little hats, Anya Taylor Joy’s eyes that look like they’re exes trying awkwardly to avoid each other in the grocery store, Johnny Flynn as Mr. Knightley having a romantic tantrum so intense he has to take his pants off and lie on the floor. Relatable. These elements couldn’t be in the book even if Ms. Austen had wanted to describe Mr. Knightley’s buttock-baring emotion.
Unfortunately that paragraph has been my way of damning with faint praise. The inverse proposition of an adaptation that adds a lot of things I liked is the source material without much to like about it. This is a bit of a misrepresentation. I found most of the book to be funny and enjoyable in much the same vein of the movie: a gorgeously decorated vanilla sponge cake. I just hated the ending so much it retroactively ruined all 500 previous pages.
I don’t begrudge Ms. Austen’s choice to hew to the Georgian standards of propriety (hence no ass shots), but this is a safe space for us to admit that those standards have not all aged particularly well, or particularly sexily. I feel like I’ve been infected with terminal bookstagram brainworms. I also don’t want to be here arguing that a book published two hundred years ago is too old-fashioned for me. But at the same time so much of the narrative about Austen is a revisionist history of how all her work was secretly not only meaningful (this is true, Austen’s work is about capturing the atmosphere and concerns of a particular social milieu, which she does effectively; it’s not less worthy of capture because it’s a space exclusive to women), but progressive.
People love Austen. They love romance and they love period drama. They don’t love when that genre is criticized for being dated or regressive. I understand that people do not read these books for the 21st century social commentary or the politics. And I understand that a 21st century moral critique is ahistorical and in poor faith. Trust me, I feel the ‘just let people have fun’ brigade hanging over my head like the sword of fucking Damocles.
But here’s the thing folks, my largely pretty enjoyable read of Emma was soured by just that: important parts of it are dated and regressive and it ruined my day.
The premise of Emma is that the titular protagonist is a rich and witty young woman intent on meddling in the romantic lives of others, at their expense. At the conclusion of the film, Emma realizes she has behaved badly to her lower class friend Harriet by leading Harriet to overlook the farmer Robert Martin (Harriet’s social equal) in order to pursue the richer Mr. Erlton (her social superior). Emma apologizes to Harriet and tells her to reconsider her feelings for Robert Martin, which turn out to be genuine. Finally, when Harriet discovers that her father is a lower class merchant rather than a secret aristocrat, Emma says she will welcome Harriet into Hartfield anyway. It indicates that Emma has outgrown her judgemental nature and preoccupation with appropriate matches to see Harriet as a friend in spite of her being Emma’s social inferior. And they all live happily ever after.
In the novel, this resolution takes much much longer. Emma’s flaw is not that she toyed with her friend’s emotions to arrange a match that amused her, but that she encouraged Harriet to have uppity opinions and to seek to rise above her station. The story resolves with Emma and Harriet returning to their proper social classes, Emma with Mr. Knightley and Harriet with Robert Martin. Emma and Mr. Knightley commiserate over how foolish Emma was to befriend Harriet and how unpleasant Harriet has become now that she is a social climber, and Harriet is revealed to have been naturally ungrateful and grasping and unworthy of a young lady such as Emma’s friendship.
I’m not going to waste my time on whether this sort of thing was just as bad then as it is now or whether it was simple a different time. Austen’s writing is a reflection of genuinely (though not universally) held societal beliefs and she’s not going to rise from the grave to change it now. It is, however, a deeply unpleasant ending. Emma’s problem isn’t that she toys with the people around her for entertainment, but that she doesn’t participate appropriately in the class system. Technically both of these are about becoming more self-reflective and more thoughtful of others, but the devil is in the details. It’s hard to enjoy that as the conclusion to a romantic comedy. I don’t come to Austen for a window into the uncomfortable realities of the past, or really any particular connection to the past. I’m here for the fluffy romance.
Part of the reason talking about not enjoying Austen because of these novels’ dated elements is so frustrating is that the common narrative about Austen is super revisionist. Austen has endured a lot of lumps and I do think it’s stupid to claim that she was a poor writer and was incapable of writing incisive social commentary just because she was a woman writing about the recency woman’s interests and concerns. I also think it’s reductive to claim that the social dynamics of Austen’s world often get misinterpreted due to the modern reflex to see every society preceding our own as nasty, brutish, and short. But this isn’t a critique of Austen, this is a critique of reading Austen in 2023. It’s not just about hating to see a grilboss winning.
On the other hand, why do I feel like I’m trying to placate the ‘just let people enjoy things’ brigade again?
One of the most frustrating things about being generally a romance disliker is the climate of toxic positivity that surrounds any genre that is more about having fun than any ostensibly higher purposes. There is a sense that since the audience of these genres is primarily women and they are often targeted by bad faith misogynistic criticisms, that any criticism of them is inherently misogynistic. I’ve been tying myself up in knots because my observation is that a book from 1815 has some nineteenth century ass ideas about class. This should be self-evident. ‘Just enjoying things’ in not actually my goal when reading, and ‘just letting people enjoy things’ isn’t my goal as a critic either.
Here’s the rub: Emma is a fun and sweet romantic comedy with some of the English language’s best dialogue until the conclusion reminds us that there hasn’t ever been a romantic utopia with the sexy historical codes of practise but not the bad ones. Romance in Austen’s time was a function of the class system, not separate from it. And I don’t know, maybe I’m the patron saint of it really being that deep, but I had a hard time seeing the lighthearted romance in that.
#read in 2023#emma#jane austen#book review#bookblr#bookstagram#book blogging#classics#romance#books#also its been so long i cant find any of the pics i took of the book so behold my lemon cake
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violentine | edward cullen x reader
a/n — the pics don’t really match, cant find anything red for eddy boy😪 meant to get this out last week for v-day (vampire day, valentines day, you name it) but work and school and work and school and work and school and work and school and work and you get my point
summary — Edward visits on Valentine's day. . . right as it starts.
warnings — straddling, m@sturbation (Edward), solo sex, one watches (the reader)
words — 2k
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Click, the sound emanated from your window. Click. There it was again. You assumed that it was rain—harsh pellets hitting your window as the seasons changed from the cold and bitter winter to the warmth and love of the soon-to-arrive spring.
Click. Again, there it was, like an incessant beg from the clock on the wall, reminding you to spend the time you had with a passion that should never die. Expected but unfamiliar was the sound. On the fourth, most obnoxious click, you stammered to the window in total darkness. Edward stood out from the shadows, a large bouquet of some breed of flower in his one hand as he readied his aim with another pebble.
He dropped it when he saw you slide the window open. "I was about to invite myself in," he called up to you.
"Edward it's—" You paused, glancing over at the clock that hung on the wall over your bed. Both hands pointed up, but one was dipped by the other by only a fraction, caught in its arms. "Twelve-o-one."
In a flash, he was up through the window and standing in your room. "That's a minute too late. Happy Valentines day."
You could see what was in his hands better—a clump of white petals stemming into individual flowers—roses was their name. White roses, it must have been a joke since he sucked all the red pigment from their folios.
You could also see his attire, clean and layered with an expensive watch to match and the usual mess of hair that looked like he had just woken up, even though he never needed a wink of sleep to look as gorgeous as he was. All of it was a sharp contrast from your relaxed attire; pajama bottoms and a loose-fitting tee. You felt painfully under-dressed in the moment, and unprepared, as you too had a gift. The only difference was that your gift was still as naked as you, lacking any wrapping paper or disguise to keep an aura of mystery, much like Edward's presence so early into the new day.
"They smell good," you thanked, taking them from him and setting them down on a nearby surface in your room. You made a mental note of getting a vase later for them while rushing to dig out Edward's surprise.
"If only you knew how yours makes me feel," he confessed.
"I think I have some idea," you teased, retrieving the object and returning to where he was. Edward retracted his arms from both sleeves of his jacket; yours were occupied with keeping his gift hidden behind your back as if it would actually keep him from seeing it. His panoramic senses had a way of ruining surprises, but you hoped that he wouldn't cheat the system this time. "Hey, I got you something. It's, uh, modern—something from my time that—"
"Stop trying to sell me on it. You bought it—I'll love it, no matter what." He went to reach around you, already tired of the charade, but you beat him to it and handed him a small plastic package that contained a jockstrap. Edward took it and his face fell before turning up and wrinkling into a smile. “You want to see me in this? I don't—no—I can't."
After a bit of convincing, you stood at one end of the room while Edward changed in the corner, keeping your eyes covered and closed per his request. The room was silent aside from the shuffling of fabric against itself and skin. A stone-chipped god such as himself made no creak in the floor, leaving you to be unsure of when he actually got the thing on. So much shuffling and movement. Maybe this was a necessity, because he must have had layers and layers and suspenders and knee-high socks on for it to take that long to change.
"Take your hands away but keep your eyes closed," his alluring voice commanded; soft but clear from beyond the distance between you and him.
The breeze around you shifted, and there was almost a palpable feeling of understanding to open your eyes. So you did, and the sight before you crossed purposes. An old face trapped in immaturity—a chiseled body made for a different time, now contoured by something non-contemporary. Perfect, if only by gradation.
Edward played dumb, "How did my clothes end up all the way over there?"
"How did you end up all the way over here?" You angled back at him, playing dumber.
"I think yours would look good with them," he spoke, never tearing away from your gaze—not even to blink.
"Me too."
The words were an invitation. He scaled down your neck with light kisses, undoing the wrapper of loose clothing and lingering smog from the end of yesterday, clouding your mind only with the feel of him. Such a violent creature treating his quarry so tender and soft. He reached the thin layer shaping your outline—your skin—in a matter of seconds, your slothful clothes now mingled with his formals. One piece in particular stood out to you, his boxers. He had done it, and you looked down to see the various straps hugging him nicely.
"Too small?" They looked like the aftermath of attempting to strangle a swan. Something so elegant as him weighed down by the brutality of sexual thirst.
"Maybe, if a little in the front," Edward gave a half-effort smile and a small laugh to go with the comment. Unlike Edward, the venomously teasing words left a lot to be desired.
"I'm serious!" You shoved him away, watching him take a few steps back and stretch the elastic conforming to his sculpted thighs and cadaverous backside, filling out like binary crescent moons. You couldn't fathom that, even stumbling, he made it look intentionally graceful. You flopped onto your bed, the cushion acting as quicksand as your sluggishness returned from being abruptly woken up. Though, you trudged on, determined to stay awake. If a man such as Edward had forgone sleep for decades and still looked the way that he did, then you could do it for one night.
His hands reached down to the crotch, which was the only piece of fabric actually covering something, and he readjusted it, "I'm just not used to it, is all."
"But I could definitely get used to that view," you joked, watching him spin around like a puppy-dog chasing its tail as he tried to fix one of the straps in the back. "Now, all I need is that baseball jersey to go with it. When I see that, you can suck me dry."
Edward found himself wading on his knees over lumps of mattress, "Speaking of. . . I hope you're not tired."
With a knee on either side of you—which to his unbecomingly hairy thighs and thin straps hooking around to his backside and to the thin belt encircling his lean hips—you answered him in defense, saying damn near anything to get to the furtive confines made of cloth and elastic, "I couldn't be. You're my nightmare—my adrenaline."
"Then you should start fighting me," he leaned down to whisper. But the tiredness bordering his bold contingence in your mind kept you down, and Edward physically preventing you from getting up didn't make it much easier. He sat, straddling your torso with enough care to make the pressure applied known, but not daunting, "If you can, that is."
"Why would I? You never take the opportunity to do anything fun," you whined.
He kept his face close to yours, looking it over as he remarked: "Risking your pretty face sounds fun?"
You refused to let up on the feeling. A relationship was more than words and vague actions of romance like showing up at your house at midnight. You simply wanted a little more. "I just wish we could have some more contact during a time like this."
"No one wants to go to space when they first see it; they just stare, mesmerized by stars and light in the sky. Let me have that—let me give you that," he begged.
"Sometimes it feels like you're all talk," you spat with a passion. Edward was easy to love for his profound outlook on things thanks to his time spent in various places, but it became easy to hate when that was all he offered at certain moments. But, to your surprise, he caved.
"Then you do it. Tell me everything you would do if you had dictative will over me."
In what seemed like a rebuttal, he pulled himself out of the jockstrap from the side. You could see a light gathering of hair around the pubic bone, easily identifiable by the thin area due to the absence of excess fat.
You paused, taking a moment to think. Even then, you struggled to string together something to say, "I'd. . . taste you? Fuck, Ed, I don't know how to phrase it."
"No that's good, keep going," he seemed to like the effort, at least. He went from a half-chubbed cock to something harder with the ability to bob in the air on its own for a few seconds.
You decided on what you would do, answering him with certainty, "I would—I would kiss you. All over—everywhere."
"Everywhere?" He asked, tugging thoroughly at himself. He ensured that his hand met the base and worked its way up to the tip in a screwing motion, twisting around his shaft for a heightened sense of pleasure.
"Every imperfect fold and bit of skin that sparkles, Ed." He liked that idea, too. Edwards face twisted from it's set of gorgeous placement to a strong expression of pleasure.
"What else?" He huffed out, feigning a loss of breath. Maybe, he was simply putting on a show.
"What do you want to hear?" You watched his thin core falsely heave in a breath and exude it, cold wind emanating from him as he let out a moan. It was a show, but it was a damn good one. His own ideas got to his head before you could say anything to make them enticing.
"What if we got a house one day? What would I come home to?"
"Me, your undoubtedly happy partner, waiting inside a small house. White pickets on the lawn, cloudy days with the blinds shut—we can't have anyone knowing you're a vampire," you laugh at how ridiculous it sounds, "The two of us would likely be crowned 'the weirdos in Forks,' and there would be long-running rumors about how no one goes in and comes out alive. The neighbors see us every now and then, but we're reclusive, spending every night and day making love, Ed. We'll give ourselves up to instincts and love."
"And when we are making love?" The motion of his hand picked up speed, but not to the degree of his running feats, rather, only a bit faster than what you could average when you were pent up. Though, you weren't nearly as big as him. You used it as a reference for your last point.
"I'll wear one of your shirts—that button-down right over there, coated in your scent, but you can still smell the red ocean inside me. We'll kiss, like I said, a lot. And I think for my first time with you, I'd want to swallow your. . . venom. Make you feel like you're human again."
That's when he came, spewing his own, cold release over your chest and a bit spraying on to your sheets, staining it with him. You noticed that the color was a bit darker than the regular human dickspit, but it was an extension of him in his most raw form. Edward sped over to fish out his shirt from the piles of clothes on the floor. He came over, carefully dabbing up his mess and tossing the shirt to you when he was finished. He remarked to himself, "Wash it, or not. I'd prefer it if you didn't, but I won't judge cleanliness."
You started drifting in and out of the realm of sleep, disappearing to a place Edward couldn't wander to. He hastily asked one last question, "Did you mean everything you said?"
"Every time you ask."
#what the fuck is this#sorry if this sucks#edward cullen x male!reader#edward cullen#edward cullen x male reader#edward cullen x reader#edward cullen x you#edward cullen x y/n#twilight x you#twilight x male reader#twilight x reader#twilight fanfiction#twilight#robert pattinson x y/n#robert pattinson x male reader#robert pattinson x reader#robert pattinson#gay#lgbt#x reader#x male reader
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i must know more about the kitties you have with your husbands 🫶🏻 pretty pwease
WHEEEEEEE ofc ofc I will gush abt them all always 🙏🏻 on a base level none of these cats r purebreds or anything they’re all strays either organically found or adopted from a shelter/another home. also there r so many pics i cant make them smaller so everything is utc
Gagamaru and I have one cat that was originally mine, Kabocha. He’s very sweet but is a bit flighty and takes a long time to warm up to Gagamaru; the first time I rlly have the hes the one thought is when I walk in on him napping on my couch w Kabo tucked into the crook of his arm dozing away bc!!!! It’s the first time he’s been comfortable enough to sleep on anyone other than me. Very himbo cat, absolutely gorgeous but total dumbass.
Kuroo and I have three cats! I had two and he had one when we combined households we were veeeeeeery careful w introducing them 🥺 he’s had a grouchy old lady for as long as I’ve known him. Her name is Suki and he took her in as a stray after an elderly neighbor’s son let her loose; she adores him and it’s slow going but she comes to adore me as well. I had a cat that passed a few weeks after I met him and then didn’t have any pets for a while, but then abt half a year before we move in together he stumbles across a trio of kittens on his way to a date w me and the date devolves into us getting them care……. One unfortunately doesn’t make it :( but I end up taking in the other two; they’re a lil girl and boy named Mizuki and Hoshi. Old lady is tolerant of them but they’re def a bit too energetic for her so the only times they rlly interact r when they’re in a puddle together napping…. Suki is the calico, Mizuki and Hoshi r the white ones! Once they’re fully grown they’re both bigger than her, tho Hoshi is an absolute unit and is the biggest by quite a bit
I believe I’ve said this once but. I have a perpetual series of completely normal housecats w Jing Yuan pfft I try my best but they have an unfortunate tendency of hunting his finches :( I only ever have one-three at a time and ofc I adore them all but I do end up w like fifty over the course of our lives together LMFAOOOOO including a few lil lineages where I kept many generations down the line!!! But the three that I’ve thought about r Jade and her kittens Bei and Feng (Yanqing named those two……) bc they’re the ones I have over the course of Mimi’s life. Mimi is a co-parent in their odd little pride, she and Jade grew up together and are very bonded n constantly exasperated by their rambunctious boys……. just like me and mine, though Yanqing and Jing Yuan constantly protest that comparison 🫣
i Have talked abt shanks before but its funny to me so. this lil scrawny tuxedo kitten ends up following me onto the red force one day (bc i fed it) and nobody realizes until we've set off.... i am told i Cannot name it or get attached bc we Will be leaving it on the next island....... except the crew ends up getting attached and they name it sharkbait. SHARKBAIT. FOREVER bitter NEVER getting over it every time shanks and i get into any kind of fight i bring it up "ALSO YOU TOLD ME I COULDNT NAME THE DAMN CAT AND NOW ITS NAMED SHARKBAIT YOU STILL OWE ME" (he will never stop owing me)
Lil bonus bc he’s been on the mind for months now: Capitano is not a cat person in fact when I first ask for one he gets me a pair of massive guard dogs that I stubbornly refuse to name at first and then end up calling Fluffy and Cuddles out of pure spite. Then I bitch enough that he does get me a kitten who Absolutely Fucking Despises Him tries to rip him to shreds every time he gets in bed with me (a week in he admits he finds it endearing but she does get kicked out of the room regularly when he wants alone time) I call her Lady she is a very elegant girl when she is not trying to murder him and actually gets along very well w the dogs, much to Capitano’s chagrin
#ask.🌧#mydiluc#I GAVE UP ON FINDING DOG PICS BTW im soooo not a dog person and it Shows#but like u get the picture im sure#ss.🌧 gagaplu#ss.🌧 tetsuvi#ss.🌧 yujing#ss.🌧 shuvi#ss.🌧 pluvitano#<- i hope that one is temporary bc its Bad ngl JLSHBDFJHB#SHIP NAMES R SO HARD
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i cant believe ive followed you for so long and didnt know your etsy was filled with the coolest shit ive ever seen?? 😳😳😳 i would buy the bookmarks for a bit more if they were more sturdy ~ would it be possible to laminate them? i personally think you could increase the value to $8 that way ~ just a thought!! get more money for your wonderful works!!
Aw, thanks! I try not to spam my Etsy stuff too much because I'm Midwestern and we have a hangup about self-promoting 😅 but I've been making a lot of new designs lately, so I've started posting more of it here.
I was also concerned about durability, since the cardstock is only about 50-60 lb. after having half its thickness burned away, so I actually did try laminating a few bookmarks... which kinda sorta destroyed my laminator (in fairness, it was probably just that laminator's time to go, but it's unfortunate that it took my sample bookmarks with it).
After I wrestled the jammed laminating pouch out of the smoking machine, I was at least able to see what the bookmarks would look like laminated, and I think they're a little too glossy -- at least with my current stock of lamination pouches, which are not ultra-matte. The plastic coating obscures the paper's metallic finish, so it's harder to see the design in most lighting:
I could still offer lamination as an option, I suppose, but they really don't look as nice as the unlaminated ones (comparison pic on right). Matte laminating pouches do exist, but combined with the cost of a replacement laminator, that might be a bit too much cash outlay just to experiment with bookmarks that sell for less than $10. (Maybe if I find a sale. And borrow a laminator.)
So now I'm trying to think of some way to reinforce the cardstock without covering the top layer or using any sort of adhesive that might leach a book-damaging residue over time. I'd be thrilled if I could find some heavier black core/metallic finish stock, but so far the only other one I've found is 1/8" thick, which is too heavy to be practical as a bookmark.
Ah, well, back to the drawing board...
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ok, i got thirty minutes. i warped to the gerudo tower so i can do the yiga hideout quest...but i also wanna take a picture of spectacle rock for the stable, so up i go
oh wait no scratch that when i spawned zelda was RIGHT next to me i am not taking pictures of shit i am gonna go say hi to (and shoot, and groom??) my girl
OH IT'S NOT ZELDA...IT'S FAROSH.......i haven't ridden farosh yet i don't think bc it took so long to get my rubber armor...rad.......
ok ive DEFINITELY never done this. she's the hardest dragon to ride for sure bc you cant climb in the ran, and of course it's raining and lightning like crazy lol. and i def cant put on any rain ARMOR bc i gotta use my rubber armor. hard mode!!
im so glad i got to do this before beating the game lol
uh oh we are going Down
THERE'S zelda, way off in the distance...but i can't wait ten minutes on farosh if i go get her and i def don't have time to wait ten minutes on her and THEN zelda. sorry babygirl :(
BACK DOWN TO THE DEPTHS....this is what i wanted to get away from lol. maybe its a good thing?? i dont think ive been to where she's gonna take me yet. like yes ive been under lake hylia but i think she flies all the way to the desert. so i can snag my part, and then a lightroot, and then go back to the gerudo tower where i started
god i am literally cruising thru here in SUCH style. i take back every single thing i said about them ruining dragon farming, it totally rules now. i wish some other gameplay elements had been done so cleverly
at least in the depths it isn't raining, lol
got my scale just as i reached unknown territory. sadly i don't see any lightroots from here...
OH there it is...wow, lucky, i would've had to do some serious climbing on foot but farosh boosted me all the way up to the ceiling. thank you girl
lit up a big piece too. this whole area looks like it'd be fun to explore...some other time
a few poes, and i'm outie
ok, got the pic! it's too bad stuff is so hazy up here
there's also a shrine which i might as well get while i'm here
got a better pic now that it's sunset. i'm satisfied lol
and a korok seed so i don't have to come back...ohhhh it's zelda again...i can't let her fly by twice but this sky island has SECRETS
unfortunately a choice for another time, i have to take a break for now lol
ok im back. this is a SERIOUS puzzle to get this sage's will chest...but, if i do it now, i won't ever need to return to these islands. sorry, zelda :( again :(
oh FUCK me there's a shooting star. so i have to miss zelda AND make a return trip to these islands AND i still havent done the fucking. yiga quest. which is what i SET OUT TO DO. these games lol
it landed in a monster camp.
fuck it. i warped out w/o fighting and now im hitting a different tower to catch my girl lol
ANOTHER??? SHOOTING STAR? good FUCKING lord lol
am i really gonna miss zelda three times...
ok. got it. in the NICK of time. now BACK to the highlands tower. and to. MY GIRL! and then to the sage's will island. AND THEN!!! to the yiga quest
i made it to zelda but i missed the fang i shot so i had to take a dive. so i have to warp AGAIN to get back up to her...
MADE IT. so much fucking trouble but anything is worth it to spend a little time with the gf.......
fun visual glitch happening with some water below coming in and out lol. kinda freaky
got my second part and went back to the sky island. this is the puzzle from hell. i fell off and fast traveled to a nearby shrine to come back and the whole fucking thing reset itself. i am SO pissed
ok i finally got it but that was fucking ridiculous
im making myself crazy. multiple sources tell me theres a hudson sign right by this tower but i cant find it anywhere. unless it's fucking underground lol. i give up
HACKER VOICE IM IN......i took off the master sword just in case lol
i like how me and the entire gang can come tromping thru here woth no repercussions whatsoever lol. i wonder what happens if i take off my mask...
SCREAM HE DOESN'T RECOGNIZE ME...... "i feel like i know you from somewhere but i'm drawing a blank" wow he should join the lookout landing search party
anyway. five banana offerings. classic. one down four to go
three to go...
two to go. might as well foght this gleeok while i'm up here on spectacle rock...
one to go!!
I DID IT...now what
lol pay no heed to the glowing ruins. inwant my shrines, pal
is that it...? i thought there was more to it for some reason. maybe vague internet spoilers mislead me lol
wait. wheres that damn frog
omg if you touch trap bananas while dressed up you'll get scolded by the yiga instead of attacked lol. i wanna try chopping a yiga tree down in this getup
ok, i could have sworn i saw addsi9n from a distance, but i went to check a new different sign place and he wasnt there. i think my game is borked
reloaded and there he is. i was literally fucking glitching. i wonder if i could find the other one now...
oh wow yeah here it is. wtf
ok, that's all i can do tonight. more tomorrow hopefully fighting kohga again!!!!!!
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Relationships: NCT 127
Maeil (aka Daily)
there are two meanings to their ship name
first is, of course, their names mashed together but the second meanings is much cuter and the one fans use to explain their dynamic
When Mae found out their ship name was Maeil her first reaction was “Oh? Is it because I make sure to let Taeil hyung I love him daily?” while cuddling Taeil on a couch
he’s the same age as Mae’s older brother so she treats him as such
her brother is literally like “Are you replacing me with Taeil? I’m your reall brother!” and she’s just there sweating
part of Taeil’s hype squad and will fight donghyuck for the position of president
like the two were on vlive and spent a good fifteen minutes arguing about their positions in the club Mae won but donghyuck refuses to acknowledge it
he could be doing something simple and you can see Mae in the background with a big smile cheering
he’s also like her personal teddy bear whenever she wants cuddles and/or wants to rest
there are just multiple gifs floating around nct twt of Mae tackling Taeil for a hug or her just clinging to him on a couch because she’s either tired and wants to rest or just wants cuddles
absolutely adores his voice
there are multiple compilations on youtube about all the times Mae compliments Taeil on his voice and him just blushing the whole time
Maenny
was lowkey intimidated bc the man is a fucking tree and basically towers over her
but then he saw him play around with some other trainees and that thought disappeared real quick
he’s more like the protective older brother than like a parent like Doyoung or Taeyong
can and has used his height to his advantage when it comes to scaring people who hurt Mae or do something to make her sad
he was one of the first people who found out about her old company and he looked like he was about to storm their building probably would’ve if it weren’t for Mae
one of the first people she became friends with because he always answered questions she had when she was a trainees
before debut there were times people could see Johnny walk somewhere and Mae is just trailing after him like a lost puppy more like running because the man’s legs are long and he walks faster
there was this one time someone asked where Mae was and Johnny just shuffled to the side to reveal her behind him
his large frame was just big enough to hide her from everyone’s vision unless you walk past the two
you know that one vid of predebut nct performing Under The Sea with Johnny wearing the fish head? Mae was supposed to join him dressed as Ariel but the idea was cut last minute
there was this one time Mae couldn’t see something bc she was too short so Johnny lifted her up and put her on his shoulders
okay enough about Mae’s height
during shows he’s always encouraging Mae to talk more when she seems unsure whether to give her input or not
johnny, after an interviewer asks a question: “what do you think Mae?”
absolutely melts whenever she does aegyo because no matter how old she is he’ll always see her as the cute kid who followed him everywhere
MaeTae
honestly it’s hard to pinpoint where Taeyong’s protective parental energy started getting directed to Mae
like it might’ve been somewhere predebut but she doesnt know when
she’s like 50% sure she just blanked out and suddenly Taeyong appeared in her life scolding her for not taking care of herself
it’s not like she’s complaining abt it she’s really grateful to have someone like him in her life
when her family got worried abt her joining a group filled with guys he personally went to her house and calmly explained how Mae will be taken care of and how the group will make sure that she’ll be safe
first person to know if there’s something between SM and Mae that the other members don’t know about
he was also the first member to know about what happened with Mae and her old company
she knows she can trust him with anything
he found her alone crying in one of the practice rooms and she just poured her heart out to him
Whenever they go places as a large group he looks for Mae first before counting the other members
she got lost once and now he doesnt want her out of his sight for more than five minutes
she got him a “world’s greatest dad” trophy as a joke that he has on a shelf in his room
YuMae
you know how yuta acts with mark and winwin? yeah he does the same for Mae
if he isnt giving a hug to mark he’s all the way across the room with Mae giving her a back hug
Mae: does nothing
Yuta: aigoo look how cute she is :)
she doesnt ignore him tho she just returns the affection
likes to jump on his back for a piggy back ride or just run and jump to give him a hug
there was this one clip that went viral of Yuta talking to someone and he just pauses for a moment before turning around to catch Mae, who seemingly came out of nowhere, into a hug and turned back to his conversation
neither yuta nor the other person seemed fazed so this seemed like a regular occurrence to them
he teaches her japanese!
its beneficial to both of them because Mae can learn and Yuta won’t forget any Japanese while living in Korea :D
really really really loves his smile
like real whipped (A/N i wrote this while watching the under the sea performance and now im going through it)
like she sees him smile and that makes her smile and that makes fans smile
Can and has glared at “fans” and other people who make her uncomfortable whether it be at the airport or during their schedules
There was this one time Mae was walking ahead of him when there were fansites following them and he just pulled her back into his arms because he noticed an anti of hers was nearby
It’s like a lion trying to protect a kitten
2Young
again did not know how Doyoung because like a parent to Mae but she just ended up rolling with it
She just has this aura to her that makes you want to care of her and give her love
whenever they go eat together with the group he always put food on her plate, regardless of whether the managers glare at him or not he glares back anyway so they back off
“doyoung she’s been put on a diet-” “she’s going to eat whether you like it or not”
one time Mae got sick with a fever and he just burst into her room with medicine and soup
if taeyong has the “world’s greatest dad” trophy doyoung has the “world’s greatest mom” trophy that he says he’ll throw it away but has it perched on his desk
Mae’s also one of the members who like to clown him
she’s the one of the reasons he already has gray hairs
Mae has a folder of embarrassing photos of Doyoung’s childhood that his brother sent to her and refuses to delete it
she cant do anything about them tho bc Doyoung got his own folder of babie Mae pics courtesy of Mae’s older brother
Haechan has tried and failed to gain access to either of those folders
MaeHyun
major sibling energy
but not like the bickering kind of energy but more like very soft and uwu
there are a lot of people asking them “are you sure you’re not related?” during interviews and fansigns
Fans are just waiting for the two to do a duet bc come on SM you have a real life Disney prince and princess here
Let Mae be the Jasmine to Jaehyun’s Aladdin and perform A Whole New World together
She likes to poke his dimple
There’s this one vid where Jaehyun and Mae are sitting together and she just pokes his dimple and Jaehyun’s smile gets bigger
joked about if he could let her meet yugyeom and bambam bc of 97line and he just went no <3
when jaehyun was inkigayo’s mc nobody could approach her with the infamous inkigayo sandwich bc she was always with him not like anyone could try considering mae has several bodyguards wherever she goes
you know how jaehyun won the alpaca plushie in nct life? he gave it to mae bc he know how much she loved plushies
Honestly the majority of the plushies in her room were given to her by jaehyun
She has a bear named after him uwu
MaeWoo
Loves the energy he gives and thinks he’s so funny
He never fails to make her laugh whenever she needs cheering up
they used to be shy around each other when he first joined the group but they caught each other having a midnight snack so they just talked at 3am eating ramen until doyoung found them and told them to go to bed
now it’s just tradition for them to go to a convenience store together and eat ramen or whatever snacks they decide to get
nobody is allowed to join them its only a MaeWoo thing
Mae has natural aegyo but Jungwoo has taught her to use it to her advantage which she does but not often
Another one of Mae’s cuddle buddies
She just thinks he looks so soft so she just clings to him whenever he’s nearby
Major uwu energy over here when it comes to the two of them together
idk why but i dont see him as the type to be protective when it comes to her dating
he’s more like
“you dont have a boyfriend yet? damn people dont know what they’re missing”
or on the other side of the spectrum
“good luck to your future boyfriend he’ll need it if he’s gonna date you”
2Ma/MaeKyung
Older brother that doesn’t feel like an older brother
Majority of the time he kinda just feels like they’re the same age or younger so newer fans get shocked when they find out she’s younger
Like there was this one time Johnny the two were playing Smash Bros and Mark was whining because he lost and Mae was jumping in the background cheering it was his fourth loss in a row but he won’t say it
they were kinda awkward around each other at first so johnny literally had to stick them in a room together and didn’t let them leave until they talked to each other
it worked and they just vibed and rambled about different topics like trainee life and what mark’s life in Vancouver was like
speaking of Vancouver
one time during their stay in Vancouver they wanted to have a friend date but he lost her at a mall and took twenty minutes trying to find her until she used the announcement service to call him
he wouldve ask his Vancouver friends to go with them but some of them had a crush on mae so no <3
When she first starting writing songs and her own lyrics she went to Mark first and asked if the lyrics she wrote were good
They were amazing and Mark made sure to tell her that :D
mae’s reaction to his dream graduation was one of the saddest things czennies have seen so when she found out he was coming back she would not let go of him
Literally could not stop smiling whenever mark was with the rest of dream filming for Resonance
It’s just very wholesome and czennies are willing to riot if SM decides to separate them
Maechan
You know how I said Maehyun was the soft and uwu type of siblings? Well Maechan are the bickering type of siblings
You know the ones who like to bicker over minor things but still would protect each other for life
they have so much dirt on each other on trainee days lmao
Haechan to Mae: lmao what a loser
Haechan when someone insults Mae: listen here you little shit
The only person allowed to clown her is him and the rest of NCT
he heard a trainee talk shit about her once and they still can’t look haechan in the eye
he’s only a few months older than her but he uses the “i’m older!” card whenever he can
“i’m older therefore i get to go first” “excuse me sir but you’re only three months older than me” “but im still older”
they fight for the title of the favorite 127 maknae but they both know that can do what they want
Mae is more lenient towards the hyungs during yaja time than haechan is tho so she just vibes whenever they go to scold him when the games over
they do team up a lot so they’re a menace when they do something together
especially in games
their competitive nature plus their brain power together? its over it even started
50% of the time they have to be separated from each other when it comes to choosing teams
the other 50% is someone choosing both of them because they want that easy win
Those two are willing to risk it all even for a bag of chips
#24th member of nct#nct 24th member#nct female oc#nct female addition#nct au#kpop female addition#nct addition#nct dream female addition#nct dream female member#nct 127 female addition#nct 127 female member
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@saintqueer and @hlhome28 tagged me to do the check-in tag game so here it is!
1. Why did you choose your url? i used to change URLs A LOT, and i finally wanted something that would be my brand ™️ . it took a lot of efforts and reviews by @bitnotgood28 , but i finally put all my options on a paper and messed with them till i got the right one.
2. any side-blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them. uhm. @wmitomlinson , my larry blog. @cedardeskbane is my studyblr. i’m also at @thewildsnet and @projectotb !!
3.how long have you been on tumblr? i joined in nov 2019
4. do you have a queue tag? nah
5. why did you start your blog in the first place? i was trying out diff social media platforms and idk this stuck
6. why did you choose your icon/pfp? it’s a gorgeous pic imo. i remember someone once told me the pic was very badass but i was very sweet (unlike it) and that made me so happy
7. why did you choose your header? i... don’t have a visible header.
8. What's your post with most notes? probably this
9. how many mutuals do you have? more than a 100 for sure
10. how many followers do you have? enough 🤓
11. how many people do you follow? 2000+ 😳
12. have you ever made a shitpost? yeah
13. how often do you use tumblr each day? uhhhhhhhh this is my screen time for this week
14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won? me and ot3flopped had a few arguments,,, i won obvs
15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts? eh if its an important post like resources or awareness or smth i will rb it but if its “reblog if u believe the person you rb’ed this from deserves to be happy” or “if u think X is a valid identity” i won’t because it’s unnecessary and i’d hope my followers know me well enough to trust that i’m not an asshole and/or gatekeeper
16. do you like tag games? yep i love being tagged i just hate finding the motivation to do it
17. do you like ask games? yeah i do
18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous? let’s see (just for the record i can NEVER believe these people follow me its so surreal and insane) @aliensyndrome @onedirectiom @jimmytfallon @thetriangletattoo @exzouis @lanwangiji
19. do you have a crush on a mutual? not really, i admire all of you a lot though
20. tags - i cant think of anyone so just do this if u see it and want to
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(was originally an ask, then i rambled a crapload, so if u wanna skip through, just go to the bolded questions)
i am new to the fandom & just found your blog, just wanted to say DAMN its so detailed and everything, i cant wait to read it all! also i was so relieved to find that the fandom is still alive <3
side note im just rambling here, i binged sherlock all really quick and everything is like a blur (idk if im in a state of shock or something, but i do know i was super invested at s1 ep 2, then i finished s4 at 4am one day and i had to read me some johnlock fics to comfort myself and i really dont know how i feel about anything yet just that well, johnlock and i cried during sherlocks fake death even tho i already accidentally read spoilers, and i also cried when they just went to hang out at bars together and hhh and during sherlocks best man speech and sherlocks goodbye to john (…maybe goodbye should be plural)…also i was v mad at eurus and s4 was a hell of a rollercoaster gd), so just wondering, how many times have you watched sherlock? how was the experience each time? (can be about any season or eps or anything, also any snacks u liked to eat while watching or anything of that sort? just curious and thought that might be fun to answer)(apologies if you answered this already i tried to look for it but i got a bit overwhelmed)
btw u are amazing ^^ (also nice timer even tho it makes me sad) and MAD RESPECT for answering so many asks and like SO DETAILED-LY? (i cant grammar) and god ur metas and stuff?? absolutely fantabulous. im legit crying im so glad i found your blog. i know how much work asks take (and like i procrastinate on them for so long…mm months old esp for fic rec lists bc i know those take WORK) so like again, SO MUCH RESPECT thank you for all your hard work!! you are absolutely fantastic and awesome :D please make sure you take care of yourself too <3
ALSO you have a great profile picture + background pic (forgive me i have half a braincell (actually lets make it .7437 gave myself a tiny upgrade even tho i didnt do anything) i forgot what its called…background thing?? idk) i love them!!
if u read through all that tysm, if not thank u anyways for being so amazing, i have a habit of rambling so pls bear with me ^^
(also would it be possible to make this anon? if not feel free to delete this line ^^)
(Submitted by Anonymous)
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Hi Lovely!!
Always can make something Anon if y’all ask <3
First of all, SORRY for how long it took me to get back to you with this one. I’m a giant heap of trash and I’m surprised people still come here LOL
Secondly, WELCOME TO THE FANDOM! We love having y’all here, and I’m honoured that you enjoy my blog and content! Also will comment on your praise on my meta here: THANK YOU. I’m very proud of my meta, and especially the SHEER AMOUNT of it I have produced still boggles me mind. Y’all remember when I was creative and thoughtful??? LOL S4 dragged me hard hahah. I still try to write S4 meta, just not as much as I used to. I like speculating, I truly do, but I have so little free time these days because of the nature of my full time job, so I tend to just... do nothing LOL. I find Fic Reccing really relaxing when you have nearly 800 bookmarks. I’m worried I’m becoming stale though. Oh well. I’m just trying to leave my mark here. <3
Thirdly, HAHHAH Thank you for your compliment about my replies to my asks; I genuinely wish I could get more asks finished every day, but I tend to ramble, as you can see, and I just... don’t finish them in a timely manner. Honestly, it’s a relief when I don’t know something because I can then get the community involved to help me out AND I also get new fic recs that way too LOL. I also draft a TONNE of asks and when I do that, I tend to just keep adding MORE and MORE and MORE so I have to post them, LOL.
And finally: My fave episode is TAB; it was the episode I studied the closest and my analysis of the trailer is my “claim to fame”. I just love it to bits. It’s the episode I’ve watched the most. S3 is my fave season, and it’s the SEASON I’ve watched the most, no less than 30 or 40 times. Season 2, then 1. I have only seen S4 like 5 times in full total, and horribly enough, TFP is the most-watched episode: I watched the Leak, the airdate, and I went and saw it in the theatres because I already bought the ticket before it aired so I just... didn’t care. And then at least 3 more times in Watchalongs. So yeah :| I still haven’t watched the BluRay I bought, but I hated having an incomplete set so I bought it when it went on sale fore 10 bucks LOL.
But yeah, S1 and 2 I watched together, and I LOVED the show. I joined fandom the summer before S3 aired, and S3 is when I REALLY got into the fandom. I’ve been pretty much here since then, about 7 years I think now. When I saw S4, it was incredulity and disappointment with it. That’s really it. I’m still a fence sitter these days about the series as a whole, but I’m leaning more and more to “no S5 for at least 3 more years” kinda thing. Just... everyone involved seems so disinterested in the show these days, minus Mofftiss to keep pushing the Sherlock™ Brand to make money.
ANYWAY. Thanks for writing to me!! This was such a joy to read when I first got it, and I just... have been really overwhelmed the past few weeks that I just have only been sticking to shorter asks. But I had some free time tonight when I’m answering this, so THANK YOU.
I hope you’re still around, and I hope you still enjoy your time here! Don’t hesitate to ask me anything else!! <3 <3
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Ronnie & Joe
Ronnie: [a phone number]
Ronnie: found you your own special plug
Joe: Can’t wait to get gang-raped by whoever this is
Joe: or maybe it’s a phishing scam, what route have you gone down 🤔
Ronnie: route of she can be your number 8 cos youre such a bike
Joe: it’s that kind of hook-up
Ronnie: pay for the gear if you cant get it up soft lad she looks fuck all like your ma
Ronnie: couldnt track down no more of her bastards for you soz
Joe: taking your role that seriously?
Joe: alright
Ronnie: getting out of it
Ronnie: she can babysit you
Joe: she probably lost custody of her own so
Joe: nice of you on all fronts
Ronnie: yeah
Joe: what, your dealer don’t like me or something
Ronnie: how the fuck would i know like
Ronnie: and how would he you legged it out of there soon as he showed
Joe: no shit I did
Ronnie: ordeals over now baby go cry to your new mammy about it
Joe: unlikely
Joe: but it ain’t my ordeal so
Ronnie: they ll swab & treat him he ll be sound
Joe: give a shit about him
Ronnie: if youve got something to say
Joe: I just said it
Joe: I don’t care about him
Ronnie: you dont care about me fuck off with your heroics
Joe: you didn’t want swooping up and saving, don’t mean I don’t give a fuck
Ronnie: your student loan aint gonna cover both our habits youd have me dopesick cause youre fucking jealous that means you dont
Joe: you’re jealous
Joe: and I said, didn’t stop you, didn’t say you had to
Joe: what’s fun about something oozing and itching in your pants, that’s all
Ronnie: of what
Joe: of every boring ex I have or will ever have
Ronnie: you wish
Ronnie: get em in a room together and they aint even jealous of each other
Joe: I know
Joe: x2
Ronnie: you dont know shit mckenna
Joe: so today I’m green
Joe: not the know-it-all smug college kid
Joe: nice to know how to play it
Ronnie: smug is right whenever i aint gonna suck your dick cause you can read music
Joe: that’s all that’s stopping you?
Ronnie: nah remember its the death wish attention whoring & mommy issues
Ronnie: cant both be functioning junkies youd have fuck all else to get a boner about
Joe: how long have you been doing heroin
Ronnie: youve got loads of catching up to do
Joe: yeah, so I don’t know why you’re acting like I’m being high and mighty
Joe: it’s literally been days
Ronnie: cause you are
Joe: no I’m not, just ‘cos I’d rather not suck dick when I have the funds
Joe: would you do it if you had the cash, that’s just stupid
Ronnie: youve been comparing me to any & every cunt since we met
Joe: like you don’t shit on me any and every chance you get
Joe: you were acting like them, the whole none of my shit is real because yours is SO real, that’s her whole bit
Ronnie: you cant stop fucking doing it even now fucks sake
Ronnie: i shit on you for you its not like i have any cunt to compare you to
Joe: alright, if you’re that sensitive about it
Joe: I’ll really stop
Joe: there 🤐
Ronnie: fuck you
Joe: nah, that was a dick move, alright
Joe: let me make it up to you
Ronnie: youre crying shes a patronising cunt guess what youre right there too
Joe: alright, I deserve that
Ronnie: drop dead
Ronnie: yeah its been days days of me giving you whatever the fuck you ask for
Joe: I know
Joe: so what do you want, seriously
Joe: I’ll do it, make it happen, whatever
Ronnie: like fuck can you make anything happen
Ronnie: youre like every other doss cunt i know theres your comparison
Joe: Probably am
Joe: but you’re the only person I’ve met who feels close to whatever the fuck I am
Joe: there’s the truth
Ronnie: whichever of your exes that worked on is more west than either of us
Joe: Oh I can easily be that dickhead and tell you how crazy they all were
Ronnie: go ed
Joe: the second to last one was the worst
Joe: full-on stalked and harassed the last one like, for no reason
Joe: she also messed with all my shit in a way she thought would send me into an OCD spiral because she didn’t get it
Joe: and when she started hooking up with some other kid she’d send me pics like I’d be 💔
Joe: that’s just after, that was all kind of amusing in a boring way, she was less amusing to be with but more mental
Ronnie: shouldve had some tips off her for the stalking bullshit its probably not too late to send her a dm
Ronnie: ones ive got from this is i dont have to bother learning the alphabet cos id be better off fucking with your record collection by smashing it up & child porn does fuck all for you
Joe: that is my thing, turning up uninvited to fuck everything up
Joe: she might go for it
Joe: exactly, both good to know, yeah 😏
Joe: all pretty basic and vanilla but still, annoying as shit
Ronnie: unless you can get me to do it for you yeah
Ronnie: dinners at what like 7
Joe: you’re gonna ruin my happy uni home?
Joe: oh no
Joe: be there be 7, eating at 8, apparently
Joe: time to ‘mingle’ as she put it which sounds suspicious af
Ronnie: fucking hell
Ronnie: thank christ i already hate you
Joe: saves times, energy less so
Joe: your mate is up for it, unless he’s a convincing liar, which I could see
Ronnie: what energy do you want name it theres gear thatll give us it
Ronnie: he is but i cant see the con shes got fuck all any cunt wants other than pasta shapes & mariahs likely on a diet
Joe: 🤤 and not over her appetizers, like
Joe: there’ll only be the 6 of us so we’ll need entertainment
Ronnie: lad flatmates bringing a bitch
Ronnie: shes gonna need something to get her through it or something she can use to end it
Joe: yeah he has a missus
Joe: even though him and Sophie belong together as the most average whitebread couple ever
Ronnie: make it happen then
Joe: where’s my bow and arrow
Joe: their 💘 ain’t my problem
Ronnie: you said you could do whatever and we needed entertainment
Ronnie: put all that money where your mouth is
Joe: you’re well sweet
Joe: you want her to be living her best life
Joe: dunno if I can hack being his shoulder to cry on in the interim
Ronnie: your teeth wont have time to rot before you choke on em talking to me like that
Joe: go on then
Ronnie: you owe me i dont owe you
Joe: I thought you’d ask for something better
Joe: but your loss
Ronnie: yours youre thinking about it
Joe: I get it, you want it to be hell living here
Ronnie: i dont wanna have to ask
Joe: for what
Ronnie: anything
Joe: why not
Ronnie: you think you can read my mind or some shit
Joe: I’d like to
Joe: and I think you get me, and yeah, I think I get you more than the bullshit mommy issues attention whore comment that was to get a reaction
Joe: I don’t think we’re twin flames just because we share some DNA, I’m not that kind of delusional, believe it or not
Ronnie: cause weve shared a needle though yeah
Joe: I get it, another kid with a habit, you’ve met hundreds
Joe: it is different though
Joe: tell me it isn’t
Ronnie: different cos its a habit you didnt have days ago
Joe: it’s not your fault
Joe: for good or bad
Joe: you didn’t spike me without asking
Ronnie: i didnt say that
Ronnie: i said thats why its different
Joe: yeah
Ronnie: nobody did any of this shit for me i dont know why im doing it for you
Joe: do you want to, or do you think you need to
Ronnie: what the fuck does it matter
Joe: you either fuck with me, you like fucking with me or you think you’ve got to protect me or some bollocks
Ronnie: protect you from the needle i stuck in your arm yeah that makes loads of sense
Joe: from getting a bad dose, being beat up by one of your dealers
Ronnie: i just wanted a front row seat
Ronnie: im not gonna get one when your family finds out
Joe: that’s fine by me
Joe: you reckon they’ll fly me home for an intervention then?
Joe: shouldn’t be surprising how oblivious they are
Ronnie: i dont care what they do to try & fix it youll be at rock bottom by then
Joe: they won’t try, they don’t
Joe: just because I weren’t shooting up doesn’t mean I haven’t been doing plenty other fucked shit for ages without it ever being a conversation
Joe: one of the kids that they took in, is a walking skeleton
Joe: can’t get her to eat, some reason don’t do anything but try to reason with her like she’s reasonable, never mind the rest
Ronnie: no shit they dont i was proof of it before you or her
Ronnie: in the same town with the same name she fucking gave me and still out of sight out of mind
Joe: precisely
Joe: so if you’re hoping fucking me up will get her to come about then you shouldn’t bother, honestly
Joe: save yourself that disappointment
Ronnie: it aint about her paying attention
Joe: good
Ronnie: you wanna know me i only want you to know what it feels like
Joe: then let’s do it
Ronnie: nah i was rem to reckon it was worth shit
Ronnie: it aint
Ronnie: you aint
Ronnie: youre never gonna have your head wrecked how mine is and i cant be arsed to put the time in fucking you up in the selfish special way i need when you keep pure loving it like
Joe: is that not indicative of how I’m already quite fucked enough
Joe: just because it’s not abandonment based
Joe: what normal cunt would love any of this, even contact you again after the first
Ronnie: fuck no
Ronnie: youre living your best life and it makes me wanna hang myself
Joe: Christ, you’re up yourself, aren’t you
Ronnie: &
Joe: you want me to roll my sleeves up again and show you the recent damage?
Ronnie: yeah
Joe: [pics]
Ronnie: [obvs gotta send him some back]
Joe: [a straight up new one like just did it]
Ronnie: [ofc she has to also like this is a competition]
Joe: [hope you started small so you have somewhere to go ‘cos the vibe]
Ronnie: [knowing y’all you didn’t but it won’t stop you and I will be forever on edge]
Joe: [so grim, don’t pass out]
Ronnie: [or end up needing stitches]
Joe: [probably do them yourselves, ick]
Joe: do you fucking get it yet
Ronnie: why do you care
Joe: why do you think
Ronnie: i keep telling you i dont
Joe: braindead sounds ideal
Ronnie: horse girl not about to suffocate you
Joe: she would if I let her, like
Joe: 🍈🍈
Ronnie: wait til theres a chance ill choke on my vomit next time christ
Joe: so lay back and I’ll tell you some more
Ronnie: ok go
Joe: [go on about Sophie in a way I shall not even bother but let us assume it is crude and rude af]
Ronnie: [we’re not into poor Soph but they clearly are]
Joe: [just fuck and get it out the way lads, so rude to everyone else rn]
Ronnie: [honestly, but hopefully at this dinner party because Jamie jealousy will be off the charts]
Joe: [Charlie gon have to keep quiet ‘til you home lmao]
Joe: Any luck?
Ronnie: got no pasta shapes in my system have i
Ronnie: but why the fuck are you not lurking to save me
Joe: you want me to swallow the bile for you then, okay
Joe: the last one looked deep
Ronnie: deep enough if you wanna pussy out and spit instead
Joe: I don’t
Joe: where are you
Ronnie: dorothys
Joe: he in?
Joe: if I have to show him it’s brotherly concern you’ll only die quicker
Ronnie: nosey cunt wouldve stopped me
Joe: Yeah
Joe: I can say sorry if you want or I can just come patch you up and not lie first
Ronnie: i dont need your help
Joe: I know
Joe: purely wanna save you for my own complex and to be loving life even harder
Ronnie: wank off about the sos from the other day thats it i cant top you carrying me out til the bleeding stops
Joe: I’m coming over
Joe: you’ve got time to lock the door if you really don’t want me to come in
Joe: can get my own shattered glass without breaking his windows
Ronnie: he must like you to have given you his address
Ronnie: but not enough to overshare the door dont lock cos i broke it 💔
Joe: or am I better stalker than you give credit
Joe: thanks for the tip, baby
Ronnie: youd have been waiting for me to get here not the other way round
Joe: You do want me to read your mind
Joe: maybe a lobotomy will help
Ronnie: hot
Ronnie: reading your mind you want me to pass out before you fuck me but its not that deep
Joe: the wound or the vIbEzzZ
Ronnie: this your coming out cos you sound like charlie
Joe: just trying to turn you off, don’t want blood to gush out
Ronnie: liar youd be made up to see that
Joe: not hiding in the bushes yet
Joe: slow down
Ronnie: youre used to being the big brother i get it
Joe: Something like that
Ronnie: i know how to ride a bike without stabilisers or whatever the fuck
Joe: and tie your shoes
Joe: it’s alright, we’ve established I’m not a paedo
Joe: what can’t you do then
Ronnie: err what a nonce would say
Ronnie: read music we also fucking established
Joe: you teach me how to shoot myself up, I’ll teach you how to
Ronnie: not a fair swap i dont need to learn how
Joe: You don’t wanna be a babysitter either, so you’ve said
Ronnie: you dont like me any more or what
Joe: Of course I do
Joe: You got me my own dealer first
Ronnie: you asked me to 1st
Joe: How did I?
Ronnie: what else is ? for a plug without giving a fuck if ive rattled myself into a ditch
Joe: If I talked to you as much as I felt like
Joe: You’d tell me to fuck off more than you already do
Joe: I’ve got no clue where the line is, how much you want me to care
Ronnie: what line
Ronnie: i dont want you to care
Joe: Tough shit
Joe: I didn’t ask you to get me a dealer
Ronnie: you fucking did
Joe: I just didn’t wanna see you suck dick on my behalf, alright, that’s all
Joe: what you do for yourself is your business
Ronnie: calm down nothing i do is for you
Joe: 👌
Ronnie: dont call her then
Joe: you on commission?
Ronnie: 🖕
Joe: If I do, you’ll still have to see me
Ronnie: youll see me bleed out on the kitchen floor 1st
Joe: You’re a pro, I know you’re being overly-dramatic
Ronnie: at opening as many veins as itll take to not have to see you again yeah
Joe: to make me hurry*
Joe: I’m on the tube
Joe: you have to live in the middle of nowhere
Ronnie: no fixed address i told you
Joe: ❗️
Joe: if there’s a break-up or a thruple, you can have the extra room
Joe: makes sense now
Ronnie: it dont make sense you reckon we can afford any extras however far out
Joe: like you said, she’ll get homesick and chuck it in even if Marc won’t dump his girlfriend
Ronnie: if she does youll be homeless too like unless his missus is gonna cover the costs of the en suite for you
Joe: you can have my room, it’s the smallest
Joe: they can have the en-suite palace and I’ll take theirs, which is not next to the others 👌
Ronnie: not that youve thought loads about it
Joe: if you heard her disney playlist everyday, you’d think about it as well
Ronnie: id think about killing her or myself not a cosy little bed swap
Ronnie: shed never hack living with me nor would you
Joe: well that thought is never far from the front of my mind
Joe: if you need the bed, you know it’s yours
Ronnie: get it through your head i need fuck all from you
Joe: yeah, yeah
Ronnie: theres this way of living when youre not inside your ma in every possible sense course you aint heard about it
Joe: you need to prove you’re self-sufficient ‘cos no one’s ever given a shit about you but Charlie and the other one
Joe: I’m aware you’ve made it to your old age without me, you’re alright
Ronnie: i need to be it the only proofs im not dead yet baby
Ronnie: you need me to be old cos im not in a fucking coma & you cant get it up else
Joe: I’d rather be in the coma myself but you can be too
Joe: not calling dibs
Ronnie: oldest gets 1st dibs
Joe: *until the youngest cries about it so much you get told to give in to shut ‘em up
Ronnie: try me
Joe: you know you can’t hack my crying
Joe: does your head in SO much
Ronnie: save it for when you need lube or horse girl is gonna be coming after you with the leftover glue so you can never fucking leave her
Joe: come at you with the needle and sew us together, babe
Joe: unlucky
Ronnie: more than unlucky if i cant bust a stitch open to be the dead girl you want
Joe: you’re the dead girl I want already come on
Ronnie: til i teach you how to 💉 yourself
Joe: nah
Ronnie: 💘
Joe: looking well deformed these days, my one
Ronnie: could cut it out know youd be made up for the matching needlework
Joe: you play mad professor I’ll play corpse
Ronnie: long as i dont have to play nice
Joe: know what you take me for, actually, but no
Joe: obviously not
Ronnie: cant take you anywhere even if i did wanna
Joe: god imagine the dent in your street cred, sis
Ronnie: if i could cry i obviously would
Joe: repression or fucked tear ducts from all the 😭 you been doing
Ronnie: what im that baby faced youre taking me for a newborn now
Joe: nah, mr i don’t fuck kids here, remember
Joe: plus kids are always calling 999 by mistake and they’d get there before me
Joe: maybe, depends how many people have stabbed other people today
Ronnie: id have got the numbers up but ive been busy like
Joe: gotta make time for you, babes
Joe: it’s called self-care
Ronnie: ask me what with
Ronnie: shittest stalker ever you are
Joe: go on
Joe: school us
Ronnie: cant cry cos when i was linking you with a plug you dont want i was getting myself linked with your meds
Ronnie: best guess as a better stalker than you & less basic white girl than your crazy ex
Joe: 💡 fairplay
Joe: won’t tell you any other side-affects, see if you can guess ‘em right
Ronnie: i wasnt gonna take em but you want me to get you so bad
Joe: yeah misunderstood white boy is selling less these days
Joe: help a brother out
Ronnie: fuck all has happened so i probably cant
Joe: 💔 oh well
Joe: they’re nothing exciting, even though I managed to get the highest dosage they’ll do
Ronnie: maybe mines off for not giving you the benefit of the doubt when i could continue reckoning youre such a pussy
Joe: you’ll forget by tomorrow, no problem
Ronnie: neither brother is gonna let me if they walk in on me microdosing theyll reckon its a getting well party and get the deccies out
Joe: only so many times you can just kidding that ‘fore it gets old
Joe: we’ll go out, when I get there
Ronnie: where you kidnapping me to baby
Joe: I know enough to know it’s all wrong turns and blindfolds, not giving you a map
Ronnie: if its a&e no cunts finding your body even with a map
Joe: piss off
Ronnie: give us a clue
Joe: I’ll mark it with an X if you do me
Ronnie: if you ever fucking get here
Joe: if we were sewn together this wouldn’t be a problem
Ronnie: wanting to look like twins so nobodyll give a shit that you wanna fuck me would be something youd think about on the tube mckenna
Joe: they run in my old man’s DNA so have to look for those bastards instead
Joe: all I know about hers is addiction
Ronnie: course he does fuck alls your own idea
Ronnie: if hes got a sister even a meff nancy drew like youll be able to find bastards they had together
Joe: loads, Catholic, remember
Joe: twins kid is black though so process of elimination
Ronnie: cute how that runs in your family too like
Joe: guess so
Joe: not like it’s that crazy a concept
Ronnie: not like youve ever met an irish catholic who werent a saint yeah
Joe: it’s a fucked place to live
Joe: really third world in that respect
Ronnie: your real da is who you wanna look for if hes got no bastards going about its cos he cant knock anyone up
Joe: that your all men are pigs stance
Joe: alright courtney calm down
Joe: I’m out now anyway, don’t need a real mum or dad to come rescue us from the priests and that
Ronnie: nah its a fact unless his twin kept going up the backstreet or he was only sticking it in her other 2 holes
Joe: they didn’t really grow up together
Joe: he left when he was 15
Joe: maybe she was a late bloomer, happy days
Ronnie: 💔 your ma wasn’t then i wouldnt be here
Joe: no dig about how you’re dying now anyway ‘cos I’m taking so long?
Joe: you must be fading fast and not just being a dramatic bitch
Joe: good thing I’m in [wherever we ended up locating y’all] now
Ronnie: shut up i said its not that deep
Ronnie: youre the dramatic bitch legging it here for a fucking scratch
Joe: you wanted me to
Ronnie: you want to i dont give a shit
Joe: right, that’s what I meant
Ronnie: you can stop with the gay shit i told you hes not here
Joe: gays don’t own sarcasm
Ronnie: they own getting attached to cunts fast who dont care
Joe: awh, you being replaced rn?
Ronnie: horse girl wishes
Joe: Can’t catch a break or a man that one
Ronnie: after a pity fuck with you who knows what shed catch
Joe: you wanna infect her by-proxy, you’re so blatant
Ronnie: i shouldve got you to bring her my bloods everywhere
Joe: adding her puke to the mix would make it interesting, sure
Joe: bet she knows first aid
Ronnie: if youre too pussy to break my ribs yourself get back on the tube
Joe: threaten me with a good time
Ronnie: i just did
Joe: without meaning it, yeah
Ronnie: try and hurt me i mean it
Joe: [why do y’all always set the tension so high lads lmao, we know but]
Ronnie: [me and my boo here like calm down you can’t hook up yet but they are both like !!!!]
Joe: [shouldn’t have let you get on that train sir but you would so]
Ronnie: [I shouldn’t let her open her mouth ever but here we are]
Joe: [forreal lmao]
Ronnie: [gotta draw an x on him in her blood when he shows up before we can do a more permanent one however we are either as a scar or tattoo so soz for increasing the tension even more lol]
Joe: [just got to stare at her for ages and then shove her away very dramatically ‘cos you can’t, head through to whichever room she was bleeding in to assess/gawp at]
Ronnie: [she’s gotta lol like well if that’s the best you can do at trying to hurt me I’m not worried]
Joe: [‘whaddya use?’ and just going through this flat as if you’ve been here before/were invited by anyone but Ronnie vaguely because manners can’t matter when we’ve gone this far already]
Ronnie: ['what, you didn't
touch yourself enough on the tube?' but we are obvs showing him whatever we did use because it's just another way to flirt and we can use it to make that x happen so]
Joe: [shakes head ‘spill too much and they emergency stop’ and a look like do I look like I wanna be on a psychward but in a 😏 don’t answer that way, doing our own tallies with it, of course]
Ronnie: ['we're walking then' like where are you taking me don't get comfy bitch]
Joe: [little disbelieving lol like excuse me princess ‘your carriage was unavailable’
Ronnie: ['no shit the horse is dead busy']
Joe: [‘I ain’t taking you to a stable’]
Ronnie: ['that's where we ain't going, now tell me where the fuck we are' because we're like an excited kid about this]
Joe: [it’s cute and we clearly think so even if we’re distracting ourselves with this self-harm so we don’t go too far, unrelated but I haven’t thought where yous are going lmao but I’m vibing something London but something she wouldn’t have done, something music related, also if it has like, kid vibes, bonus, I’ll have to look so just keeping tight-lipped to be annoying and surveying the bloody carnage he’s now added to ‘you want to clean up?’]
Ronnie: [it'd be cute if there was something like thinktank but for music instead of science but idk if that exists anyways in answer to that question she's just gonna remove her top or whatever like yeah it do have blood on even though we know that's not what he means because we're still in a flirty mood despite how annoying his non reply is]
Joe: [that’s what I’m vibing but likewise have no idea, I’m sure there is shit though and you could find it Joseph, anyway, truly the this is fine meme about that ‘cos you can’t turn away 😳 but also boy don’t, moving like you’re gonna come close to her though]
Ronnie: [soz Charlie cos she shamelessly threw her top on the floor and isn't gonna clean up any of this blood even on herself like I literally should say she goes to the sink and then to get clean clothes but instead we all know she's just gonna take Joe's jacket or whatever and put that on, thank god he's all about the layers]
Joe: [god bless the grunge
aesthetic, ‘do you do it in front of him?’ and touching the cuts that are still showing ‘cos you know there’s some still, and it is like when and where do you do this when you do not have a room lmao]
Ronnie: ['yeah' leaving it up to him whether he wants to think it's in an attention whore way cos we're still annoyed at that call out lol but realistically it's just because of how long they've known each other and how they be living, she's not actively trying to upset Charlie that much most of the time]
Joe: [‘does he do it?’ ‘cos we can’t imagine it from the little we know but also can’t imagine him just chilling if he isn’t as fucked as them]
Ronnie: [the facial expression equivalent of his amused lol earlier because no]
Joe: [dropping it even though you find this odd like don’t worry boy, the tea is he is getting over it and wanting her to stop, pulling the jacket sleeve to take her out the door like come on]
Ronnie: ['he knows what'll happen if he tries to stop me' cos you can't tell me that when they were younger he didn't do exactly that and she went ballistic but more importantly HOW DARE YOU BOO because that is 1000% a Fraze move and I'm dead]
Joe: [yes I thought it was legit for a parallel, enjoy the long trip back to central guys]
Ronnie: [idk how we are gonna stop you hooking up to fill the time other than the other people in close proximity lol]
Joe: [maybe a uni/work obligation can come in and he has to go like legit ‘cos that’d kill this off]
Ronnie: [personally devastated that means an iou for this cute date but I love how fuming she would be at never finding out where they were going]
Ronnie: [not to mention the not at all casual and public domestic they’d have would be such a fat mood and show she cares when she’s literally like umm what the fuck do you mean you’re leaving]
Joe: [love how blatant we both are individually]
Ronnie: [hard same]
Joe: They sprung that rehearsal on us last minute
Joe: I already said, I’d give you the funds and you could go do whatever
Ronnie: and i told you to go fuck yourself
Ronnie: or your cello
Joe: I wouldn’t have wasted my time let alone yours if I knew that was gonna happen
Joe: how would you go about fucking a cello, exactly
Ronnie: waste more of your own time figuring it out its your raging hard on for it
Joe: I can’t not go
Joe: they make you sign a bloodoath when you get in basically
Joe: no excuses
Ronnie: youd have found an excuse fast enough if id stuck a needle in your arm
Joe: no, I wouldn’t, ‘cos it wasn’t an option
Joe: there was already enough damage to hide
Ronnie: i dont give a shit what options youve got
Joe: right, tell it to the crowd that amassed, they might believe you a tiny bit more than I do
Joe: I’ll make it up to you, okay
Ronnie: thats what soft cunts wanna hear when you cant hide no more & since you reckon you wont be getting forced into treatment you get to keep your gob shut for all that being sorry bullshit
Joe: make it into something it ain’t ‘cos you can’t hack hearing it
Ronnie: i dont wanna hear from you end of
Joe: alright
Joe: see you around then
Ronnie: 🖕
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(lovely anon) ok so this may sound so dramatic but; let me paint you a picture: i’m responding to your latest message, sitting on the edge of the sofa. i type in “lovely anon” into the search and see this longgg post come up and i’m like uhhh... i scroll down and see the people you tagged and literally. when i saw @ lovely anon. i . cried . like full on tears. my brother goes “what are you doing” “she tagged meeeee” and he continued what he was doing and didn’t care LMAOO but i was so emotional? i love and appreciate you too and aAH IM CRYING!! you’re just really sweet and i didn’t expect it at all and it was really lovely to be a part of something :’)
the kermit pic sent meee but yes yes yes!! when you start uni let me know, lol i’m so excited for you!! let me know how it goes cuz i’m literally hype hahah & yes we will be in our sad corners of the world, missing england but you’re right it’ll be sooooo worth it in the end!!! and oH i’m glad you talk to them lol i truly thought you like haven’t seen them/haven’t spoken to them this whole time😭 that would’ve been awful!
also i totallyyy get what your saying about the english speaking thing. and idk why you’re insecure (well i *knowww* bc it’s not your first language and you’re studying it in college so yuh) but your english is great :)))
lol yeah that makes sense.. my mom took french in college and she remembers NOTHING HDJSHSJ (the fact that you wanna learn MORE languages i- ahh i so admire you.. you literally know so many languages🥺) yea i mean you know a bunch of languages bc you know the base of words lol, but i wonder if because you know latin it’ll be easier for you to learn french? oh- oh wait you said it’ll be easier HAHHAHA
THERES SO MUCH EXCITING STUFF TO TALK ABOUT HDGSJSJSL it’s so wild to me that you can’t watch chaos walking :( i’m a professional hacker tho so i’ll try and find a way for you LMAO (by professional hacker i mean i literally have gotten multiple free trials and i’m pretty sure the hulu police are after me bUT ITS THEIR FAULT BC WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE???) i mean the movie was good? and cute? and funny? but yea don’t think it’s gonna be the most fantastic thing haha AND THE DOGGO AWWW (i saw it again today- or my today lol, saturday, aND THESE OLD PEOPLE CAME AND SAT IN FRONT OF ME AND MY FRIEND LIKE ITS A LONG STORY LMK IF YOU WANNA HEAR IT)
SHARK FILMS?!?!! PLEASE READING THIS I HAD NO IDEA YOU WOULD LIKE SHARK MOVIES TOO FHSKSHSHDJDJGAJAYSJS ok so i haven’t seen any of the classics (i’m working on it) but i would probably watch jaws to laugh at it? not like that lmao but like comparing it. OKAY BUT HONESTLY I BARELY KNOW ANYONE WHO LIKES SHARK FILMS AHHH OKAY im adding “the shallows” to my watchlist bc it sounds super good AND SAME AHSJD ANY BODY OF WATER IN A MOVIE I JUST KNOW ITS COMING LMAO watch me not go in the water anymore after seeing that picture HHDJSJ
WHEN I READ THIS I JUST GOT DONE TALKING TO MY MOM ABOUT THE MEG AND THAT SCENE WHERE THE SHARKKK JUMPEDDDD AND ATE THE OTHER ONEEEE AND THEN JONAS HAD TO DO- bro i cannot (i think that one is my favorite because i love me a bit of romance and the subtle romance hAD ME) 47 meters down PHEW could you imagine?? i try not to think too hard about it i’m like “don’t be dumb catherine, don’t put yourself in a dumb situation” (not autocorrect having “dumb bitch” ready i am not lying) and i literally understand... there is no other way to explain 47 meters down
i CANNOT watch horror movies, can’t can’t can’t, i literally hate them i cannot do it!!! the thrill is tempting and it’s cool in the moment but i cant lmao. i don’t have nightmares about scary things (for the majority of the time) but going to sleep i’m like oooohhhhhh shit 🥲 literally what you explained
music !!!! music !!!! music !!!! (u ever write a word and now it looks weird lmao) MY BROTHER DOESNT LIKE MUSIC AND ITS SHIT IM LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU- anyway, my music taste is all over the place i mean......... it’s crazy. earlier today i was listening to meghan trainor’s album “title” oUT OF NOWHERE, but just a few minutes ago i was listening to fall in love with me by earth wind and fire soooo lol .. megan is *chefs kiss*, i’m not familiar with stormzy🙈, harry styles.... IM SORRY IM THAT PERSON but i don’t listen to his solo music EEK i only listen to adore you... and not that frequently... the music video freaked me out... i like niall’s solo music a lot more, which i listen to a lot more. now. one direction. favorite. please & thank you. i have a playlist called “boy bands” and it consists of one direction and the vamps (obsessed with cherry blossom btw) but as you can see my taste is all over the place!! fr fr if i sent you what apple music has as my “favorites” it went from ariana grande to carrie underwood to glee (OBSESSED DONT LET ME TALK ABOUT IT) i mean please if you let me i will nonstop (hamilton HDJSH) talk about music all day😩 & NOOO UR MUSIC IS GREAT HAHSK IM NOT A BIG RAP PERSON BUT DOJA CAT IS MY FAVORITE!!
okay good, i’m glad :) i was just nervous that you did feel that way <3 and GOT IT HAHAJ healthy pressure is always good :’) my friend got me these pens cuz i love stationary and school supplies lol and was like “now you have to write something” soooo yea i feel that! and i saw you posted the ficcccccc literally so proud of you 🥺🥺 i’m trying to decide if i read it tomorrow or tonight..... sleep or a literal beautiful creation made by the sweetest person and is v v nice smut and college!peter and 4.7k...... sleep aint really calling no more.
GIRL ALL OF MY SENTENCES ARE TOO LONG HAHAHAH IN FACT THIS IS TOO LONG SOOO (also why am i 3 days late..😑) anywho it’s 1 in the morning so <33 lovely anon
🥰
oh my god the fact that you cried nearly made me cry too😭😭🥺🥺 (also, your brother LMAO), i wasn‘t even sure if you‘d see it but i immediately thought of you so of COURSE i included you <333
the hulu police lsjsjaiaik, girl i was ready to get a hulu membership when i wanted to watch big time adolescence and i couldn‘t find it anywhereee, and when i got to the payment it said i need a bank account that‘s based in the US or whatever. like bro i was about to pay you!! but i was forced to find it somewhere (and i did, on levidia,— not that i‘ve ever used it because it‘s illegal 😤 i would never!!! i‘d rather support billion dollar companies and spend my money on watching films that i can find for free 🥰🥰🥰 not
i‘ve found chaos walking online so i‘ll watch it som time this week!! also YES TELL ME THE STORY
okay so idk if you watched/are planning on watching falcon and winter soldier but i watched the first episode the other day and they were speaking french (just a few seconds) and I UNDERSTOOD SOME WORDS DLDJDJ and i was so proud of myself. i‘ve only ever learned french with duolingo lol (i only do like 5 mins a day and that‘s why i was so surprised that i understood some of it!!). and yeah apart from latin i feel like italian, german, french and english are all similar in a sense.. i mean obviously they‘re completely different languages but for example there are some grammatical constructions in french that i think i wouldn‘t understand if i only spoke english? so when i translate those things into english you can‘t directly translate them bc you say things differently, but when i translate them into german then it makes more sense to me. idk that‘s something i noticed so i feel like if you already know multiple languages it‘s easier to learn another language compared to if you only know one language and are trying to learn a second one. even if the languages aren‘t similar then i think you get the hang of it easier.
ikd slsjsjs also i don‘t want you to think that i‘m a linguistic genius or anything lmfao, like i‘m only fluent in english and german and i‘m just a wannabe (ew that word) polyglot sksj (yes i had to google polyglot— i do think learning ancient greek would be super cool tho? like imagine studying latin AND ancient greek, whew). and honestly i don‘t think i‘ll ever be fluent in another language bc i don‘t plan on living anywhere other than germany or possibly england and i‘m not dedicated enough to properly learn any other languages esp if i don‘t have anyone to speak the language with. but i still try my best and i just love language/languages as a whole so yeah i‘m happy & just learning as much as i can dkdjh🥰
(I guess language/linguistics are/is my passion (which sounds sooo lame lmaoooo) and the word passion comes from the latin word pati (i think💀) which means to suffer, and in german passion is called Leidenschaft which basically means suffering too, idk why i‘m telling you this maybe you know it already. but ok dumb fun fact, in german you can make compound words with as many words as you like, and the longest official german word is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz which is a law for the monitoring of labels on beef... this is such a dumb fact but i think about that word like once a day idk why dodjsjsj so... 👁👄👁)
but i‘ll stop boring you with my linguistics talk because truly i don‘t know much about languages but i am interested omg i‘m gonna shut up now.
now water + sharks. (so in non-covid times i always go to croatia with my dad during the summer, and even before ever watching a shark film i was always kind of scared in water.. but after watching so many shark films wldjdj HELP Like you know when you go deeper into the ocean and you can‘t see or feel the ground/floor? anymore.. then i just start imagining sharks. like i can‘t help it i just imagine a shark sneaking up on me or feeling something graze my foot ABD I JUST START FREAKING OUT SSKJSHSJ. idk. anyway kdkdh i do love the ocean/swimming though but the older i get the more i realise how fucking scary the ocean is ( even if we’re gonna disregard sharks)
your brother... what‘s wrong with him? HOw CAN YOU NOT LIKE MUSIC LIKE WHAT THE FAWK
OKAY BUT SAME ABOUT THE ADORE YOU MUSIC VIDEO DLDKDJSJSKSLSLKSKSJSHSH and yeah i have to say harry’s style (styles lol) as a solo artist isn‘t reaaally my cup of tea, and i only like the popular songs from his second album and the first album is only good when i‘m in the right mood (haven‘t actually listened to it in a while though, but kiwi is one of my all time favourites along with only angel but i hate the start, like it takes 40 seconds to actually begin properly). i like mgk and because of him i watched the dirt which is a film about motley crue, and now one of my favourite songs ever is same ol situation and i‘m into rock now lol. +++ justin bieber. I had a justin bieber cardboard cutout thingy😭 i was the biggest Belieber on earth when i was 13-16, but i didn‘t like his last album and tbh he‘s become a bit weird lately, BUT OH MY GOD. i Listened to his new album yesterday and i‘m in LOVE with the song hold on
i really like niall‘s music toooo!!!! And doja cat 😌😌😌😌 And THE VAMPS OG MY GOD. i got to see them live bc they were the opening/support act for little mix and ajdsjskslslsjsjsj. (Also i love concerts, some of the best memories of my life are concerts, i‘ve seen nicki minaj live 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and justin twice and my heart fills every time i think about how excited i was, it was my first concert ever (16th of September 2016 😌) and i was the happiest person alive seeing justin drew fucking bieber (even if i‘m not tooo sure about justin nowadays)
i have a confession? Idk what hamilton is. I mean I‘ve heard about it and i keep googling it but i‘ve never watched it (is it even a film???? or like a proper musical? also pls tell me you grew up with high school musical. i have a few friends who didn‘t and it makes me so sad 😭😭😭 hsm is the best thing to happen to my childhood , the sooooongs— i still listen to some of them every week or month lool they make me so happy)
(Okay wait i was about to recommend some stormzy songs but you said you‘re not that into rap so i won‘t dksksjl)
What you said about my fic AHSLSLSJB (i wasn‘t sure if you sent an ask about it earlier? idk that might have been someone else, so if it was (and you‘ve read it already) i hope you liked it sksjsj i was...... unsure about it. and i have this reeaaallly long peter fic that i started writing in december and that‘s the only peter thing i currently want to write but also i can‘t because idk how to continue kddjj.) but I’m definitely getting back into writing i have a few blurbs that i want to write so 🥰🥰🥰
Oh and pls as soon as you read this let me know: violet or yellow? (it‘s just a tiny thing for my new theme slsksj)
#lovely anon#BY THE WAY: do not feel bad or apologise for not answering straight away#you can take your time i know it can be exhausting (not bc its anything bad but just because its so much and so long) to answer to my shit#all at once*#so really i don‘t mind if you take a few days or a week or whatever to respond#or if you want to you can respond bit by bit/topic by topic whenever you feel like it#so you don‘t have to concentrate on an ask and my post for like AN HOUR DLSKJ but rather do it in smaller chunks#if you want <3#btw i‘m always so scared that i‘ll type lonely anon instead of lovely dldjdjsksk so if i ever do that i‘m just being#(cue your autocorrect dldkdj) a dumb bitch#its 1 am now sorry if there are any mistakes (i‘ll stop apologing from now now lol but i still am sorry you have to read my word vomit lmao)#*apologis#*from now on#omg
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The Red Name pt 4
part one || part two || part three
The bed was cold when Michael woke up. The sun was high in the sky and Alex was long gone. All that was left in the whole cabin were the sheets on the bed and Michael’s phone on Alex’s pillow. The notification light was blinking and Michael already didn’t care about what anyone had to say to him right now.
He unlocked it anyway when he saw the new email icon. He never got emails.
It was from Alex.
From: [email protected]
We should’ve talked. That was always our problem, if we’re honest. Too much sex and not enough talking.
I’m glad we didn’t though. You were right, we’d just make each other sad and angry and that’s not how I wanted to spend my last night with you. Because that’s what it was. Regardless of what happens on my deployment, we both know this thing between us is in the past and it’s time I gave up and moved on like you’ve managed to do.
Over the last two years I wrote you a lot of emails. Basically whenever I wanted to talk to you but couldn’t I’d write an email. I’m not sure why I’m doing this now but I just sent all of them to you. You can read them or delete them, it’s up to you, I guess.
I love you. That hasn’t changed and it never will.
Goodbye Michael.
A
Michael blinked away the sudden tears that sprung to his eyes. For all that he’d shoved Alex away over the last few years and flaunted the fact that he could move on, Alex telling him goodbye broke his heart. Michael wasn’t sure how they’d gotten to this point. It felt like one thing after another just piled on until there was no hope left. He wanted to fix it, even when he’d been with Maria part of him had wanted to fix it, he just didn’t know how. And now it was too late.
Rereading the email, he spotted the part about new emails and quickly exited out of that one. And there they were. Michael scrolled down to find the oldest one but it was impossible to tell. They didn’t seem to be in any particular order so he just clicked one and then another and then another.
From: [email protected]
I saw you at the Pony today. You looked like shit. Have you been sleeping? Eating? Or are you just existing on alcohol and acetone?
I hope it’s making you feel better because it’s not helping anyone. Not your sister, who really needs you right now by the way, not me, not Maria, and certainly not Max.
I wish you’d let me help you.
A
From: [email protected]
You drive me crazy sometimes you know that? First, you want nothing to do with me or Project Shepherd. And now it’s all you care about. Well, Project Shepherd at least. You still don’t seem to want anything to do with me.
Am I suddenly that repulsive to you? Because of my father? Fuck him. Seriously, Guerin, fuck. him. Don’t let him do this to us.
A
From: [email protected]
You could’ve at least done me the courtesy of telling me you were dating Maria instead of letting me find out by walking in on you two.
Fuck you Michael
From: [email protected]
You need to pull yourself together. Your sister is drowning and she needs you and you don’t even notice. Liz and I should not be the ones keeping her afloat. She needs her brother, dammit.
If only I could get you to stay in the same room as me for longer than 2 seconds
A
From: [email protected]
I can’t decide if you’re oblivious or stupid or just plain cruel
I get it, okay. You moved on. You’re happy. I’m happy you’re happy but I really don’t need a front row seat to you sticking your tongue down someone else’s throat okay? Would it kill you to cool it on the pda?
A
From: [email protected]
Max is back. You weren’t there.
A
From: [email protected]
I’m drunk. I shouldn’t bother with this it’s not like you’re going to read it anyway but I’m drunk and I’m lonely and it’s my birthday
Ten years apart and you never missed my birthday but now that I’m back you can’t be bothered? I want to be mad at you but I’m too sad to be mad
What did I do wrong Michael? Why are you doing this?
A
From: [email protected]
You ever throw something anywhere near the vicinity of Maria again and I swear to god I will knock you on your ass
Don’t touch her. Don’t even get close. I don’t give a shit how drunk you are
A
From: [email protected]
It’s the anniversary of Caulfield and I don’t want you to be alone but you won’t let me near you
I hope you told Maria what day it is or Isobel or someone. I hope you’re not alone.
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry Michael
A
From: [email protected]
You look happy
I miss you
A
From: [email protected]
I never thought of us as having an anniversary, not really, but if we had one it would be today
I was ready, Michael. I was fucking ready dammit. Why’d you have to pick then to finally be the one to walk away? I mean I know I deserved it after all the times I left you but your timing sucks.
A
From: [email protected]
I got my new posting. Also got new orders to deploy. I’m leaving Roswell and I don’t think I’m coming back this time
A
From: [email protected]
You came by today. I’m pretty sure it's the first time you’ve been out here since you told me in no uncertain terms that we were done. You wanted more info on Project Shepherd, on the Alighting that Noah mentioned. You could barely look me in the eyes. It was like I was just a colleague and not even one you particularly liked that much and it hurt.
I get that we’re never going to be together but why can’t we be friends? Is it really that impossible? We’re either fucking or not looking each other in the eye? No in between? That’s bullshit
Why do you get to decide everything? When do I get a say in this? What if I want more? Do you even care what I want?
Don’t answer that. It’s pretty fucking obvious you don’t.
A
From: [email protected]
I had lunch with Liz and Rosa and Maria today. It was awkward and painful. I’ve never hated you before but I think I hate you for fucking up my friendship with Maria. She was all I had for years and now it’s ruined because of you
Be happy with her. Make it worth it
A
From: [email protected]
It’s not your fault. Me and Maria I mean. We fucked that up all on our own and neither one of us have really tried to fix it. You played a part, yeah, but don’t blame yourself for this too. You put too much on yourself already, you shouldn’t add this to it
A
From: [email protected]
You make a beautiful couple
Better than we ever did. Not that we were ever a couple. Not like you and Maria
We wouldn’t have worked right? That’s why you left? Because we would’ve crashed and burned?
Merry Christmas Michael
A
From: [email protected]
For someone who got angry every time I mentioned the Air Force you really didn’t seem to care that I re-upped. I don’t know what to make of that.
I’m going to protect you Michael, I promise. My father will never get his hands on you or your family ever again.
A
From: [email protected]
Why can’t I get over you? I’ve tried fucking other guys, dating other guys, it doesn’t matter.
I’ve never been able to get over you. I don’t know why I thought now would be any different.
All I want is you. All I’ve ever wanted is you.
A
From: [email protected]
Full disclosure - I’ve had a lot to drink. Liek a lot
Did you know that your people essentially mate for life? Yep. Turn 30 and the true essence of your heart will reveal itself on your skin and name the person you love most. It will stay there forever. Cant be cut off or inked over. Cant change neither. Once its there its there
Your turning 30 in a few months
I wont survive seeing her name on you i wont
I filed papers for a transfer today. Project Shepherd is basically dead and by the time the transfer comes through it will be really dead and i cant stay here anymore im not strong enough. I need to be not here when her name comes
A
From: [email protected]
Its my name. Fucking hell Michael its MY name??
What the fuck have the last two years been if its mY FUCKING NAME?
A
From: [email protected]
It hurt before when i thought you’d truly moved on but this? Oh this takes the cake
You love me. More than LITERALLY anything. And you still dont care enough to be with me
This is…
You should’ve left me in Caulfield and just saved yourself
A
From: [email protected]
You left a birthday present in my car. Why?
Thank you
I love it
A
From: [email protected]
Her name is Mara.
She used to sing to the other prisoners when they were scared. She had such a beautiful voice.
You won’t let me tell you about her but I think you should know. This was your mother, you should know who she was.
I’m sorry you didn’t get the chance to find out the right way. I really am.
A
From: [email protected]
I saw you on the street today. You were outside the jewelry store.
I wish you both a long happy life together. You both deserve it.
A
There were more. So many more. Michael had to stop and pace himself or he’d start breaking things.
It took him weeks to get through all of them. Some made him cry, some made him smash every fragile thing in Max’s house (he owed him new windows), but some made him smile.
From: [email protected]
I got a dog. Her name is Buffy. If anything happens to her I will kill everyone involved and then myself
Pics attached since I don’t know when I’ll see you.
A
From: [email protected]
Wilson’s getting married, can you believe it? I would’ve bet good money he’d die a happy bachelor. It’ll be so good to see the squad again. He invited everyone, even O’Brien.
He’s making me wear a tux, though, no uniforms :(
A
From: [email protected]
I think you’ve cursed me. I used to very happily not give a shit about football fuck you very much
(Eagles made the playoffs fuck yeah)
A
From: [email protected]
There’s this new prosthetic prototype the military wants to try out and somehow I landed on the shortlist of candidates to get it
It’s supposed to be so amazing you don’t even know. It’ll be waterproof! I can stand in the shower!
(its the little things sometimes)
A
From: [email protected]
I’ve really fucking missed Rosa. I know you miss your brother and I’m sorry but I never really let myself process how much I missed her
I promise to do everything I can to bring Max back. I owe him one
A
From: [email protected]
Rosa doesn’t like the jacket. She’s gotta go
A
From: [email protected]
I’m going to LA Pride next week. I’d ask you to come with me but you seem a little busy passing out on the floor of the Pony every night
I’m taking Isobel instead
A
From: [email protected]
I’ve got this new project at work that’s actually really interesting. I keep staying late to work on it and so Project Shepherd is falling behind but fuck Michael I love it
A
From: [email protected]
There was a crazy meteor shower last night. You would’ve loved it
A
From: [email protected]
The sunsets out here are unreal. I’ve been in a few deserts and seen a few coasts but nothing, NOTHING, beats this view
Its beautiful
A
From: [email protected]
It’s cheating on the Wild Pony, I know, but if you go over to Dexter there’s a great little bar that does open mic night on Thursdays.
It’s been a long time since I sang. I’ve missed it. You should come sometimes.
A
Michael missed out on a lot while he was with Maria. He never wanted to miss those moments again.
In the five weeks it took him to get through all of the emails, no one heard from Alex. He’d warned them he’d be out of touch but it was still jarring. Michael took to driving out to the cabin or bugging Rosa to let him play with Buffy just so he could feel close to Alex.
A week after he finished Alex’s emails he started writing his own.
From: [email protected]
You’ve been gone six weeks. I miss you. I’m pretty sure I lost the right to say that but I don’t care. I do.
I read all of your emails
M
From: [email protected]
I thought about responding to some of your emails individually but then I thought maybe just one would do it.
I’m sorry. I was a colossal jackass and you didn’t deserve any of it. I never should have blamed you for what your father did. You aren’t him, Alex.
There are only two people in my life that I trust to always be there: Isobel and you. Even when you walked away you always came back and I got used to that, I guess. When everything was spiraling out of control I needed someone to be angry at and I needed it to be someone who wouldn’t leave. Isobel was already going through hell so I picked you. I pushed you away as hard as I could and you stayed. You re-upped to protect me. You stayed in Roswell because you knew I needed you even though I refused to admit it. I put you through hell and you never said a word. Thank you. I should’ve said it a long time ago and I’m sorry I didn’t.
I’m sorry I finally pushed hard enough that you had to leave. Roswell’s your home and these people are your family. When you get back from your deployment you should come home and see them. I can leave if it’ll make it easier for you but you shouldn’t leave them just because I’m an ass.
M
From: [email protected]
I think Liz is actually dating both Kyle and Max. I’m also pretty sure Max and Kyle are not dating each other. Sometimes though...how sure are you that Kyle is straight?
M
From: [email protected]
I can’t decide if it’s too weird or not weird enough watching my sister and my ex girlfriend try to date.
M
From: [email protected]
You said you didn’t love me. Why did you say that if you did?
I don’t know that I would have done anything different but I’d like to think I’d have been more considerate about Maria had I known. I thought you were over me. You said you were.
M
From: [email protected]
It’s been three years since Caulfield and I’m alone. One of your emails mentioned that you didn’t want me to be alone but I am. I always am. No one understands. No one can possibly understand.
Kyle gave me a bottle of whiskey this morning. I’m trying to drink less but now that I’ve got a doctor’s seal of approval, I might just need to enjoy it.
M
From: [email protected]
I left my mom to die for you. I don’t think I would’ve left for anyone else.
M
From: [email protected]
I miss you. I think I’ve been missing you for years but you were right there so I didn’t realize it
Be safe. Come home
M
From: [email protected]
I’m a little obsessed with my mark ngl
It’s in my own handwriting but I wish it was yours. So it would actually be a piece of you with me
M
From: [email protected]
It’s crazy. When you were here all I could think about when I saw you was your dad and your brothers and Caulfield. I know it’s not fair and it’s not right but I can’t control it
But now you’re not here. And I look around the cabin and all I see is you making breakfast or burning the popcorn that one night we tried to watch a movie and ended up making out instead. I can’t sleep at the Airstream without thinking of you. Did I ever tell you that you’re the only person I ever brought home? Every other person I ever hooked up I either went to their place or found somewhere else. But not you. You came home with me.
Liz wanted a group outing to the drive in. But I said no. I can’t go there anymore.
M
From: [email protected]
My eyes are burning. Too much naked sister
M
From: [email protected]
First I see my sister having sex and now my brother’s asking me for gay sex tips
I can’t
M
From: [email protected]
When we broke up Maria accused me of being with her because I loved her less, because then she couldn’t hurt me. I thought she was crazy but now I think she had a point. I literally just walked in on her in bed with someone else (I’ve completely blocked out the memory of who it was) and it didn’t hurt. I’m just...happy for her. She smiles more these days than she has in a while
It's nothing like when I saw you on a date that one time and had the sudden urge to beat the guy into a bloody mess with my bare hands. It's a nice change of pace
M
From: [email protected]
It’s been four months since anyone’s heard from you. I hope you’re okay and just not allowed to contact anyone.
Please be okay Alex. I don’t know what I’ll do if you’re not
M
From: [email protected]
Some idiot decided to put in a record store on Main St. Who even buys records anymore?
It has open mic night almost every night though. You’d love it
M
From: [email protected]
I seem to have moved into your cabin. Oops
The bed doesn't smell like you anymore :(
M
From: [email protected]
It’s Valentine’s Day and you’re not here and I don’t even know if you’d want to see me if you were but let me just say this:
You’re an asshole and I love it
You care so much about people, about your family (the real one not the jackasses named Manes), and you give so much of yourself for other people I’m constantly in awe of you
You named your dog after a vampire slayer; what a dork (next one should be Faith)
You are the strongest person I know. I put you through hell and you’re still standing and you somehow still love me. I don’t understand but I can’t complain
I miss watching movies with you even if your constant commentary can be annoying as hell
I can’t eat omelets at restaurants anymore, you’ve ruined me for life
Your voice is breathtaking; you should never stop singing
I love you
Happy Valentine’s Day Alex
M
From: [email protected]
Please just tell me when you’re home so I know you’re safe
M
From: [email protected]
Rosa has a boyfriend. It’s weird. We can’t talk around him. Too many secrets.
M
From: [email protected]
I broke the ship. Most of its still in the bunker but I scattered some pieces around town. The Airstream, Isobel’s, Max’s, the Crashdown, the Pony, other places too
The biggest piece is right here at the cabin. I needed it to be with you
M
From: [email protected]
Jenna’s back
M
From: [email protected]
Happy Birthday Alex
I’m sorry I missed one. I promise not to miss any ever again.
They probably don't have any good cake where you’re at so I’ll just have to take you out for some when you get home
M
From: [email protected]
I’ve co-opted Buffy from Rosa. She’s not getting her back
M
Over six months after Alex left, Michael received his first new email.
From: [email protected]
Subject: YOUR EYES ONLY
You’re unbelievable. Asshole
827 Willowbrook Cir #231
Marlow Heights, MD 20746
A
P.S. Don’t forget Buffy
#malex fic#rnm#my fic#this one is 100% malex#ch5 will be 0% malex to offset it#next time i decide to format a fic/chapter like this somebody punch me#i've had to reformat it 3 times and im DONE
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Hey so I saw you mention top surgery and was curious. I was supposed to be having top surgery this summer but that’s postponed. I was curious how that went with chronic pain? I’m scared about the surgical binder with my fibro and back pain. Any advice or info would be greatly appreciated!! (You can answer privately if you prefer)
ive actually been meaning to write up a big post on this pretty much since i had top surgery but still haven't got around to it yet so I'm happy to talk about it lol. ill go over stuff now n still aim to do a more in depth post later when im on my laptop (but writing this now bc i tend to forget everything haha). ill stick to the more fibro / chronic illness specific stuff & stuff i wasnt expecting rather than rehashing everything. apologies im on mobile so i cant put this under a cut
firstly, im sorry ur surgery got postponed! i know that must be gutting, so i hope it gets rescheduled asap & the time until then passes easily for u ❤️
I had double incision with free nipple grafts on the 4th of september 2019 with Mr Miles Berry at the london wellbeck hospital. i think he did an amazing job and can't recommend him enough for his work! i think the last pics i took of my chest were for tdov, and ill rb them after i post this for reference. i didnt have drains at any point of the surgery
for ppl with fibro, i was told that the pain after surgery either tends to trigger a flareup, or be really easily manageable, and it's hard to predict which it will be beforehand. its best to prepare for a flareup and be pleasently surprised if u dont get one. for me, i had a flareup that sucked but wasnt too bad as far as flareups go
you'll probably get given painkillers. take them regularly. it's easier to treat pain preemptively. if u don't get given them (no idea how it works outside of the uk) id say def get codine and paracetamol. u can't take ibuprofen for a while
i woke up from aneasthetic freezing cold + in a lot of pain. apparently most ppl dont need the full dose of morphine, but i did. after that it was a bit better. i was just So Goddamn Hungry literally it's all i was talking about
that night in hospital was probably one of the most uncomfortable in my life. you have to sleep sitting up for like blood reasons, so my back pain was quite bad bc of it. moving around a bit and adjusting pillows helped. if u have anything that normally helps ur back pain bring it with u to the hospital, & dont be afraid to ask the nurses for help with it (even if they can just adjust ur pillows for u). i couldnt rly sleep much but distraction helps. bring ur phone + headphones. i did a few ask memes when i couldnt sleep
the first week from surgery was rly tough, the first few days especially. this was bc i still had to sleep elevated for a few days and i couldnt get comfortable. i was too exhausted to do anything but couldn't sleep and it rly started to get me down. then i got some sleeping tablets (just nytol) and that helped so much. i literally cannot recommend it enough bc the not sleeping properly made everything hard (and like esp because with fibro the whole pain/fatigue/depression cycle is so real). once i started sleeping better recovery became a lot easier, and the tablets made the awkward sleeping positions more manageable. if i had to give only one bit of advice this would be it
on that note, ik everyone says this but do get a V pillow. it helps u adjust to sleeping on ur back and if u sleep on ur side normally it means u can like lean slightly sideways on it which makes it sm easier. also this isn't even top related but they make good back pillows when ur watching stuff in bed even now
get urself some video games (if ur into them) and easy entertainment shows lined up for when u wanna have them. recovering from major surgery makes ur fatigue even more pronounced so ur not going to be able to do all that much, but having light entertainment ready to go stops u getting as bored. its also a good excuse to finally play/watch the things you've been meaning to for a while
go outside when u can. if u have a garden just walk around it. it helps with a lot of stuff, and idk about u but i always forget how much it does. even just helping u sleep better if u get trapped in a fibro fatigued-but-can't-sleep cycle. and it goes so far helping u feel human in the first week
the first week is rly hard for a lot of ppl - its frustrating to have all that pain and exhaustion and not being able to wash or change the binder, and with the swelling and bandages under the binder it doesn't really feel like there's much change, which all sort of adds together. i keep going on about this week bc it helps to mentally prepare for it - there's no need to dread it, you just need to remind urself how worth it itll all be and that the rest of recovery is a lot better than the first part, and in time it won't have seemed that bad. big picture stuff
when u get the chest reveal, everything's better. i didnt stop smiling. and when u put the post op binder on afterwards, without all the bandaging, u like feel for the first time how much flatter u are??? and its amazing. even with the swelling. and then u get to shower and u feel human again and its great. (ik some ppl have their post ops/chest reveals much earlier than a week, but 5 days to a week is pretty standard in the uk. mine was 6 days i think)
more post op binder stuff: i got given 2. the first one i woke up in after the surgery and wasn't allowed to take off until my post op, and the second one i got given at my post op to change into after i showered. After that i alternated every few days. whatever u get given, if u get less than 2 i recommend getting another one so u can alternate them (if u want help sourcing them hmu. ive also still got mine i need to give away)
the post op binders were actually a lot easier to wear full time than normal binders. they were like more stretchy, and stretchy the full way round (bc they dont have the compression bit at the front). i used to sleep in my normal binder every time i slept with my ex, and that hurt like a motherfuck sometimes. the post op binder was much kinder to my ribs
i had to wear the post op binder full time, taking it off like once a day to shower n let my chest breathe (and massage my scars once i started that). some surgeons arent that strict abt wearing it that long, but it really helps swelling, & bc i didnt have drains it was rly important to stop fluid buildup. ik quite a few guys in my trans groups who stopped wearing their binder fairly early and then got quite a lot of swelling so i didn't want to risk it & i wore it for the full 6 weeks. at some point (icr when but maybe at 6 weeks? bc my post op was at 8 weeks bc he was on holiday) i didnt wear it during the day and only wore it at night
all in all the binder didnt bother me that much. it was more comfortable than my regular binders and i just kinda got on with it. it was annoying tho and i was glad when i could stop wearing it. for me the most annoying part was that it was a full length binder (i always wore half length before) and the riding up at the hips was rly irritating. i actually quite liked sleeping with it tho it was a pretty nice pressure stim ahah
some post op binders r more comfortable than others. if u have to buy ur own, i rly suggest going with a proper surgical one (they arent too hard to find second hand for free or cheap, again im happy to help here) bc they're kinder to chronic pain. i know that having a comfortable post op binder made it all a lot easier for me. there are also lots of alternatives w lots of price ranges tho, so that's not ur only option
ok i think thats everything right now! sorry its so long, but let me know if u have any questions!!
finally: before i got top ppl told me that its honestly life changing, and i didnt realise how true that would be. literally every single aspect of my life is at least partially better because of it, and most of them drastically so. I'm really excited for you to get that for yourself, and im wishing u all the best for it 💕
#and like i said ill post a more complete version at some point when i have time and my laptop#but dw that one ill be able to put under a cut#asks#long post#top surgery#fibromyalgia#is there a tag for chronically ill trans ppl?? i feel like there should be the venn diagram is pretty chunky#medical //#also its 2am as im writinf this lmao sorry if it doesnt make sense
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Finale commentary under the cut
So I wanted to kind of liveblog as I was watching but held back so these are my remembered reactions/second watch reactions
Bummed there was no song recap but quickly figured itd play at the end
PUPPY. Best part of the ep, lbr, Dean was so cute with him
Theyre really doing a cheesey life montage huh - still not clear whether monsters are a thing in this new world?
I was watching the mins tick by during this first montage like OKAY we get it, cheesey happy home life, move along. There was only 40 mins left of the whole show like get on with it, it went way too long
We definately needed to restablished that Sam is neat while Dean is messy. Totally necessary to spend time on that. Also didnt Dean get houseproud when they moved into the bunker?? What happened to that?
OMG get on with it
Then becomes apparent that hunting is still a thing. Which if so what was the point of showing then doing fucking laundry and dishes while ��Ordinary life” plays - if its not just an ordinary life?
At this point i thought it might go the route of them being listless without hunting as a job but then murder scene so I guess not
This whole pie sequence is stupid and a waste of time, we all know it
Dean being a cold, heartless bitch about everyone being dead. Aces. Not unexpected but still just great. How dare you be so happy about pie fuck you dude.
DOES ANYONE REMEMBER EILEEN
Pie is the face is not funny my dudes come the fuck on
I started skipping through during the murder scene. I was bored. Like, I dont care about tension building to the murder of a family we dont fucking know. Ive always skipped these scenes, what is the damn point. Its not scary or interesting.
GET ON WITH IT
Same old FBI bullshit. Nice to see the journal again I guess. But like, this is STILL what we’re doing? In the very last ep? Same old, different day, just like 15 years ago. Really?
Singer and Kripke. Subtle.
I skipped through the interrogation too. I dont find the scary brother act cool or entertaining
15 mins in and nothing has happened
Theyre trying so hard to give Dean jokes and nothing is landing, its so cringe just stop
The way the little clown faces pop up - if that supposed to be scary? Really? Its all just so silly rn
Watching it again I realise just how easy this hunt is. The answer is in the journal. They find the exact family. They find the exact barn. The kids are just stood in a cupboard. This is what takes Dean out, really? Its not even a normal hunt, its a way too fucking easy one.
I do not remember this chick or what ep she was in, maybe theres some parallell or foreshadowing by bringing her back but if there is I dont get it
Bottom line if youre gonna bring people back WHY THE FUCK THIS RANDOM GIRL
I knew so fast he was gonna go out like that. Hanging from a fucking nail
I kept saying out loud not like this, no way, this is so stupid, its so stupid omg
I paused and tried to talk myself into putting aside how stupid and awkward it was for him to be doing this scene hanging off a pole and just try to invest in the emotion of the speech. Which I achieved at times
but why was is so awkward tho?? Just the way hes stood pressed against it is fucking weird. Also 1000% Sam couldve gotten help and he wouldve been FINE. It took so long for them to talk, an ambulance couldve been there before they were done, there was no need for this
Okay the speech did make me cry once I pep talked myself into being invested. The reference to being scared Sam would reject him, the I love you so much, Sam saying dont leave me, the stay with me and tell me its okay - all those moments got me and I did cry. I appreciated the family business line. I liked Jensen telling Jared he always keeps fighting, that was a nice reference.
BUT there were also those moments that made me scoff, roll my eyes or laugh. The whole “always you and me” bullshit especially. The second I knew he was going to say I’ll be in your heart I yelled at them to no do it, I hate that cheesey move, then literally was like “oh my god, he did it”. It WAS NOT always going to end like this - so much of the last 15 years was proving him wrong about that. This is all just so wrong, it is not good.
Jensen and Jared did a good job with what they were given in this scene but my god
The audacity of the Cas erasure- always you and me. FUCK YOU.
I laughed out loud when his last shot was a One Perfect Tear. I was literally like “Oh wow they did that”
DEAN DESERVED A BETTER DEATH
It also kinda loses all impact when you see him like 2 mins later
MIRACLE IS THE REAL MVP ILY
Theyre really doing another montage. Really. Like we get it, hes sad, we didnt need the toast to understand that
Omg Miracle by his side. The best of bois.
Looking around his room like beer and guns was all dean was. Sure. Aces.
I choose to believe Bon Jovi was a ref to before Dean went to hell
If Donna is back why isnt anyone else?!?
Oh Jared you look so old bby. Go home. He looks older there then later in the ridiculous make up
Why is that shot made to look like hes leaving the bunker forever?? Like that makes no sense
Bobby greeting him is nice and all BUT IT SHOULDVE BEEN CAS
Also they are 1000% doing the show don’t tell by having Bobby just sit and explain everything. SO FUCKING LAZY
Cas has been out of the empty, helping rebuild heaven. Okay, fine. Even Dean’s reaction to hearing that was fine. BUT YOU ASK WHERE YOUR FUCKING BEST FRIEND IS AND GO SEE HIM. WHO IS THIS VERSION OF DEAN WTF
I know people are upset Cas is back working in heaven but I dont think its anything like before. It sounds like he helped fixed things then got his own heaven. Also he’s God’s Dad, hes not serving God, hes teaching him. I know human Cas done right is what we wanted but I dont hate this for him. BUT WE SHOULD HAVE FUCKING SEEN IT.
Why is a memory of being a kid with his Dad what Dean is reminiscing on. They have literally reverted him back to s1. There are so many memories dean should be thinking about in fucking heaven
Hes going for a drive
Hes going for a motherfucking drive
In the car he was just in
WHY THE FUCK IS HE ACTING LIKE HE HASNT SEEN BABY IN YEARS WHAT IS THIS SHIT
Hes going to drive around doing nothing until Sam gets there are you fucking kidding me. Not going to see any of his family from the last 15 years, just driving. Absolute horseshit.
This is the moment where you realise that this episode has changed NOTHING. This is the same ending as the last ep except theyre in heaven not on earth
ITS THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING
Okay so they skip over how Sam went from going on a hunt to walking with a toddler. OMG how unsubtle that they have literally just labelled the child Dean in big yellow letters. I couldnt help but laugh, how fucking stupid.
I did get a bit teary when the music started I’ll be honest. But mostly through the whole montage (ANOTHER ONE) I was saying to myself This is so fucking stupid. omg this is dumb, what the fuck is this, so stupid.
They literally did a montage so long they had to play the song twice. Im just done at this point wow.
The old man make up is so bad I just laughed. The only pictures being of the 4 of them, reinforcing the Winchester only bullshit, great. Not even pics of this new random family Sam’s got. The painfully cliche Dad moments for Sam, again so bad its funny. Omg the hand on the head of this random kid, this is so ridiculous. Old man sam in his bad wig trying so hard to move like hes old and crying in the impala. Wtf is happening, this is SO STUPID
I thought theyd cast a more attractive son I’ll be honest. So he has the tattoo - are they a hunting family? Because that would go against both s1 Sam they’ve tried to go back to and the s15 Sam they build up to for all those years
I know they were going for an emotional parallel with that “you can go now” but this random man saying it to Sam in that make up, with the music cue lined up right there - its just funny coz its so dumb im sorry
I cant believe they actually played another different version, I’ll never get over that
Theres alot of things I’ll never get over
Is this bridge supposed to mean something? They shouldve picked a setting that meant something
I know theyre trying so hard to make Dean look happy and peaceful to convince us its a good ending but sis no
I laughed out loud when Dean turned around - WHAT IS THAT OUTFIT SAM?
Really, they have nothing to say? No questions, no convo? They just have cheesey smiles and look over the water? This is so wrapped up in a fucking bow trying to force us to feel good my god
The cut almost immediately to them talking to the camera, still in character getup, was so cringe I yelled and turned it off
And they pan out to literally none of the people we want to see . Great, Good.
LITERALLY WHAT WAS THE POINT
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hhh ok life update here ig
anyways, back when i quit my job i noticed a dark black spot on my nail on my toe on my right foot, i thought it was persistent dirt but it didn’t go away. didn’t think much on it, prolly somethin dumb. it doesn’t hurt and i can’t really see my feet well cuz my eyes and glasses are shit, and it was dark in my room when i noticed it
today i still have it, so it’s been arnd 5 months, its now a brown colour and i think its smaller. idk for sure cuz when i first looked at it, it was dark, and again my eyes are shit. but now theres a larger dark spot on my left foot toe nail, it’s black. idk when i first noticed it but i know it’s been there for a while, too.
no pain, i dont remember any injuries, they are on matching toes similar locations. it could have been shoes or stubbing them or something, im just not sure when they got there exactly and how.
so, the right foot one doesn’t concern me since i do believe its smaller as i normally wouldnt have noticed it since eyes shit, i only know its there cuz it was noticed previously. which means its probably a blood bruise from an injury i dont remember. the problem is the left foot, idk when it got there, its much larger, on the corner where the nail starts and it meets the skin. the darkness isnt on the skin, just under the nail. i dont have any comparison or anything for it, i never noted them or took photos so i have no idea if its gotten bigger or smaller, or when it happened
the problem here is that, this is either bruising, or it’s one of the deadliest cancers out there so YEEHAW !!! cancer also runs in my family so thats cool.
i am going to a walk in clinic on friday but ive looked it up and the only real way to tell is through a biopsy and i didnt fuckin look into what that entails all i know is it that it sounds fucking painful esp since its a nail bed issue.
i am lucky tho my stepmom is gonn come drive up to come w me 0′’( i feel like vomiting and passing out and i cant feel my legs when i think abt just the idea of taking blood, i have a terrible phobia of needles.
i would leave it to find out, cuz apparently it can take up to 9 months for a blood bruise under a toenail to heal, but ive already done 5 months w the one. and i really dont wanna risk that you know..? idk, ig id rather traumatize myself finding out im ok than traumatize myself finding out im very very very not ok.
the other thing is, i dont have any other symptoms. and i cannot find any symptoms for this shit, just the nail issue?? i have no excessive fatigue, no sickness or repeated sickness, no sleep issues, no weight fluctuation, no appetite issues, like all the stuff id associate w a compromised immune system isnt there. i tried to find other symptoms for this but nothing came up, instead all i get is “OO SPOOKY SCARY U WILL DIE FROM THIS IF LEFT UNCHECKED DID U KNOW A PERSON IN AMERICA DIES EVERY HOUR TO THIS TYPE OF CANCER AND 1/5 PEOPLE GET IT??? OOOO SCARY”
anyways i was losing my mind and couldnt sleep till 4am so i let myself sleep extra late today cuz i am just, not doin so hot thinking abt it. normally i don’t get affected by cancer scares but this one is like, too risky..?? there’s no other real explanation other than the two options, and the wait time to find out safely is so long that i continue to risk shit esp since its already been months. and i just cannot remember having injured myself or worn shoes that were too tight etc. i did break new shoes two months ago but i cannot remember which foot ended up hurting more. my memory just isnt reliable for it....
i did take pics to log last night tho... and i noticed a lot of sources say this spotting usually occurs as bands or streaks that get larger, mine are just weird spots. but it also mentions them too so i have no idea what to think
for now i am tryna not think abt it till friday when i go, cuz i can’t do anything until then
#text#complaining#cancer///#FOR ANYONE READING TAGS AND HASNT SEEN POST YET ITS NOT CONFIRMED DW HSFHSFHDS#just uncertain and waiting to go see doctor on friday
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Group Ask 151
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Please send us an ask stating which group ask and which person you are replying to. Thank you so much in advance!
Anon 1 said:
Looking for an EG fix it fic. Steve stays in the past. Bucky is depressed. Old!Steve dies?? Wanda & Peter go back in time to bring Steve to the future to help save the world. They find Steve & he's confused bcuz he was on his way back but wanted to stop at his fave diner to get some food first. Wanda realizes taking Steve from the past caused it to seem like he never returned after putting the stones back and he's now experiencing time out of order. IIRC turned out Old!Steve had married Bucky.
Anon 2 said:
Hello! I've searched through tags and fics both here and on ao3, and I'm still trying to find a certain fic. I don't remember a lot, but a scene that stuck is Steve used Bucky's lotion/moisturizer to jack off with and when Bucky found out he got mad at Steve, but there was really an underlining reason as to why he got mad. Anywho this is not a lot of info, so I'm sorry and I wish I remembered more. As a side note, thanks for all y'all do and hope you have a great day!
goldenmoleblr and Anon sent in signature collection by yasgorl (oneshot | 5,464 |E)
Anon 3 said:
I've been searching for this pic for the last 3 hours - please sent help! Bucky and Steve are Enemies (kind of) and meet on a mission and have (hate)sex. After that they meet up for sex but Bucky always wears a mask or goggles so Steve doesn't know he is Bucky. They catch feelings along the way and I think there was a happy ending. I already looked at the Enemies to Lovers and Identity Porn Tag and couldn't find it :-(
autonomygirl and Anon sent in The Blind Leading* by SkyisGray (oneshot | 43,034 | E) *graphic violence
Anon 4 said: (mpreg)
Hi im looking for a fic in which a pregnant bucky (resulting from a hydra experiment) realizes hes having contractions and goes into the bathtub to give birth. Steve finds out and sits there with him as bucky is pushing. Bucky realizes he cant push the babys shoulders out and steve basically encourages him? -LK
Anon 5 said:
Hi, I'm trying to find a Stucky fic where Bucky (I think) has a pet rock that someone taped googly eyes and a tiara on so it became a pretty pretty princess award or something like that? Thanks!
Anon 6 said:
hey, hi, i read a fic forever ago where bucky and natasha swap bodies and i can’t find anywhere!!!! i don’t see it in your body swap tag
airybmore sent in don’t leave me hanging, (i’m right here) by bitelikefire (theoleo) (oneshot | 5,278 | T)
Anon 7 said:
I've lost a fic in which Bucky was recovering at some kind of facility until they accidentally triggered him into temporary paralysis. Steve and Natasha took turns reading aloud to him (maybe from Lord of the Rings or the Hobbit)? In the opening scene, he disassociated and attacked someone and thought he was going to be killed for it, but calmed down when they got Steve on the phone. It was definitely a longer one.
airybmore, finduilas88, dolphinqueen10, sergeantbucky-barnes, hjwx and Anon sent in There Is No Shortage of Blood* by alby_mangroves, Dira Sudis (dsudis) (complete | 246,613 | E ) *past rape/noncon, self harm, suicidal ideation
caseysroses said:
Hey does anyone know that fic with engaged! Stucky where buckys parents weren’t coming to the nwedding bc they were homophobic
Anon 8 said:
hi im looking for a steve/bucky/sam fic where sam has a problem with steve claiming the shield belongs to him because its made of vibranium and technically belongs to the wakandans. i remember steve was trying to justify it by saying in the time when the shield was made (40s) no one knew about stealing from other countries or something like that. also it might be set in wakanda but i cant remeber. sorry its not a lot to go off
agentseventyfive said:
Loving the work you do compiling the library. I’ve read some amazing stories thanks to your recs. I’m trying to find a fic I read where they’re on the run & Bucky’s been injured. Steve slowly unfastens his leather Winter Soldier jacket to check his ribs and maybe things could get heated but Bucky being hurt halts things. They then decide strapping him back up in the jacket is best support. I’m pretty sure they were in a cabin on a train? Many thanks.
dolphinqueen10 sent in Lay Your Armor Down by osprey_archer (oneshot | 3,156 | T)
Anon 9 said:
i read this fic and i can't find it anymore-- basically a villain caught the avengers and tied them up and just like,, showed them videos of steve and bucky fucking and mocked steve for being a bottom,,, it sounds weird but it was so funny to read and i need to do it again
Anon 10 said:
I'm absolutely baffled; I lost a post-Endgame fic that, in the long run, was supposed to be a fix-it. Bucky and Sam were pissed at Steve, and Steve begs to talk to Bucky and Bucky tells him that he loved him and Steve said why didn't you say anything? I wouldn't have gone if you had said something or smthn like that. Bucky stays with Sam's mom for a while, I think, and there's this girl (I think her name was sage?) whose parents were snapped and when they came back they disowned her? Thanks!
agirlwithachakram and finduilas88 sent in Me and My Heart (We'll Make It Through) by fallendarlings (complete | 160,959 | E) *graphic violence
Anon 11 said:
I read a fic a while ago that was about Steve being an introvert, like I think it was a college au focused on Steve and Bucky navigating their differences at the start of their relationship and it was pretty fluffy. Any ideas what it might be? Thanks in advance :D
Anon 12 said:
Here's what I remember about this fic that I can't find: fake/pretend relationship, one of them confesses their love and the other starts laughing bc they're so stupid, not talking to each other, and the one that confessed says, all sad and heartbroken, "please don't laugh at me." Can someone help me find it? Thanks!
Anon 13 said:
hello! i've been looking for a fic set in pre-catfa; i think steve's mom died, and bucky proposed that they move in together but steve refused. bucky's hurt because he thinks steve doesn't want anything to do with him (Steve just stubbornly refuses help); steve gets sick later in his shitty apartment and bucky rescues him.
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Tips for making a comic/comic strip using your art style :))
damn i have a style??
i can try to explain my process... but its not very artsy;first i visualize each panel (like a music video or a gifset) so i know the individual scenes i wanna draw, makes it easier to split the panels. there is alot going on every time i make one thing, it is in no way practiced nor effortless. since im working on this one right now ill go with this as an example;
there are stock images and reference pictures for hands (i took a pic of my own hand at some point) (i do that quite often) and i cut the first panel bcs i couldnt get the angle of muriels face right. for more accurate poses i do try to find reference images if i have something specific in mind (like the third panel) (in this case i couldn’t find any)
this is what it looks like underneath. i draw over this abomination and try to create something comprehensible. tips i’d say, trace over reference images until you can do it without tracing, god knows i still trace occasionally (HANDS). take your own pics with certain poses and angles, trace over that to see how it would look.
if im used to the character im drawing, my sketches can be smooth like this;
otherwise they can be as messy as this;
no shame in using fuckton of guidelines, as long as they are made in a way that you yourself can understand which of those million lines are the right one.
i find it easier to make layers over layers of sketches, main pose, detailed body, clothing and hair, etc...
expressions are A BIG ISSUE but thank god there are alot of references online.
also it helps to flip horizontally every now and then so you can see the flaws you may have missed bcs your eye got used to the thing youve been staring at for hours.
i cant really say something that other thousand better people haven’t, all i can say it it gets easier as you get used to it. draw a dude for a month and you’ll start to learn what shape his nose would be from a certain angle... until then, google image search for absurd things like “man legs crossed reading”
#personal#WIP#honestly i have no idea what im doing#im really not the right person to ask#everything i make is a collage of gazillion images#mine#definitelynotrayne
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