#also i hated being in school so much. going from like 25 years in hell to being in the best place beyond what i was able to imagine. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fatecantstopme · 2 years

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Why Wait?

Pairing: DBF!Bucky Barnes x plus size!reader

Summary: You've known Bucky for years, but the dynamic between you had begun to shift since you'd graduated college. He suddenly found himself struggling to act normal around you and you decided to make it your mission to find out why.

Warnings: Age gap (legal), reader is approximately 25, Bucky is approximately 39. Cursing. SMUT. Unprotected sex (P in V), oral (M receiving, F receiving), praise kink. Use of pet names (doll, sweets, baby). A little Dom/Sub vibes.

"Oh for goodness sake, Peggy. It's a two week vacation, not a six month excursion," your dad exclaimed in mock exasperation as your mom dragged two giant suitcases to the top of the stairs.

"You could at least help me, Steven," she grumbled in return.

"You know I will," he said with a laugh as he climbed the stairs and took both suitcases from her.

Your mother looked pointedly at you. "Marry a man who takes care of you without complaining."

You laughed. "Thanks for the advice mom. I'll be sure to let all the 25 year old dudes know that chivalry is important."

She rolled her eyes and descended the stairs quickly. She shot your dad an award-winning smile, which he returned with equal warmth.

"You sure you'll be okay by yourself, kiddo?" your dad asked.

"As you just reminded mom, it's only two weeks. I think I can handle that. I am, after all, a full-grown adult...mostly."

Your dad chuckled and shook his head. "I know you are. I just worry sometimes." He wrapped you in a big hug. "If you need anything, anything at all, Bucky's right next door."

"Yes, dad, I know. He's only lived there for like 10 years."

"Come on, sweetie, we're going to miss our flight if we don't get moving," your mom said gently.

You helped your parents get their luggage out to the car and packed in. You waved to them as they pulled out of the driveway, more than a little excited to have the house to yourself for a couple weeks.

It hadn't been your plan to move back home after college, but you didn't have much of a choice. You couldn't afford to live on your own right now, especially since your writing career hadn't exactly taken off yet. It did at least give you more time to dedicate to perfecting your craft.

You knew yourself though, so you knew there was no way you were going to spend the next two weeks holed up in your room, working on yet another chapter of a book you weren't sure you were going to finish. You had much more important things on your mind, like what the hell was going on with your neighbor, Bucky.

Your dad and Bucky became instant friends when Bucky had moved to the neighborhood when you were a freshman in high school. You would have to have been an idiot (or blind) to not think the man was deliciously sexy, but you also knew that he was way out of your reach, for so many different reasons.

Bucky and you also hit it off. He liked your humor and you pretty much thought he walked on water, although you hid it well. Bucky had taught you how to drive a manual, he'd taught you how to ride a motorcycle (which your mother hated), and he was always there when you needed him for anything. He'd been by your college apartment several times over the past 4 years to fix various things that the landlord just never got around to.

But things have been weird between the two of you ever since you'd graduated a few months ago. A lot had changed for you in the last couple years, but one constant had always been Bucky. For the first time since you'd known him, he seemed almost uncomfortable in your presence, and he actually seemed to be avoiding you as best as he could. You had to admit that you hated it, especially because you truly did count Bucky as a friend, despite the age difference.

Your parents being gone for the next two weeks gave you time to figure out what was going on with him. Had you done something to upset him? Did he finally decide that being friends with someone almost 15 years his junior was weird? Or were you just imagining the whole thing and over-thinking? If you asked your last three boyfriends, then yeah, option three was a real possibility.

You sighed and went back inside the house, mulling over exactly how you were going to dig into the mind of the most elusive man you'd ever met. He always seemed to be in a great mood, but then you'd walk in the room and he would shut down. You were used to his stunted ability to express his emotions, but this was a whole new level of emotionless.

The only thing working in your favor was that you knew him really well. It was a Saturday, and Bucky only did one of two things on Saturdays: hang out with your dad at your house, or hang out with your dad at his house. Which meant Bucky's evening was definitely completely free. Conveniently, yours was also completely free. So you concocted a plan to get Bucky to open up to you.

**********

At 5:30pm, you stood on Bucky's doorstep waiting for him to answer the door. When the door swung open, he looked genuinely surprised to see you on the other side of it.

You held up the items in your hands. "I brought pizza and beer." You walked past Bucky without another word.

"Um, (Y/N), whatcha doing?"

"It's Saturday night and I'm bored, so," you gestured to the pizza you'd just sat on his kitchen island. "I came bearing gifts."

He looked like he wanted to say something, but thought better of it. "Why would you want to spend your Saturday night at home with your old-ass neighbor?"

"First of all, I happen to like spending time with my old-ass neighbor, and secondly, have you met people my age? I have zero desire to go to a club and flirt with guys I have zero interest in taking home."

Bucky couldn't help but chuckle at your candidness. It was something he had always loved about you. "Fair enough. Although, I do feel some sort of away about you not correcting me when I said 'old'."

You grinned and handed him a beer, which he took gratefully. Lord knew he was gonna need a beer or two to make it through tonight. "For the record, you're not old, you just like to act like you are," you teased.

"Insulting me in my own home. Who on earth raised you?" he teased back.

"Wolves," you answered cheekily as you turned away from him in search of a glass.

Bucky inhaled sharply as he got a better look at your backside. You'd thrown on an over-sized t-shirt and leggings for comfort. You knew the leggings made your ass look amazing and the shirt hid all the little bumps and rolls you wanted to hide. You weren't ashamed of your body or your weight, but that didn't mean you wanted to dress up 24/7.

You were stretching up to reach a glass, which for some reason Bucky put on the freaking top shelf, when you heard his sharp inhale. You realized your shirt had lifted up when you'd reached, and exposed quite a bit of your legging-clad ass. You reached just a little farther, in part because you wanted to give him a little bit of a show, but also because you seriously could not reach this damn glass.

"Can I help you with something, doll?" Bucky asked from directly behind you.

You almost jumped out of your skin at his proximity. You tried to play it off so you didn't look like a weirdo. "I know you're tall, but do you really have to put your glasses on the top shelf? What if you have short guests?"

He chuckled. "I don't usually have guests. At least not ones who stay long enough to need a glass."

"Well, I hate drinking beer from a can," you pointed above your head, "so you think you can hand me a glass?"

Bucky reached up above you and pulled a glass out of the cabinet with ease, eyes never leaving yours. It felt strangely intimate, this moment, but as soon as the glass was in your hand, he was on the other side of the island, moving so quickly it was like he couldn't get away from you fast enough.

You poured your beer into the glass and reached for a slice of pizza. "Wanna watch a movie?" you asked casually.

"Yeah, that'd be good. As long as you don't pick something awful."

You laughed as you followed him to the living room, pizza box in hand. "If you promise not to pick a cheesy 1950s movie, then I'll let you choose."

"The 1950s movies are the best!" he insisted.

"Okay, old man," you teased.

"Hey," he said as he tossed a blanket at you. "I thought I told you not to call me old."

"When the shoe fits..."

He groaned and plopped down on the couch next to you, leaving a good foot of space between the two of you. He grabbed the remote, flipped on the TV, and started scrolling through different movies to stream.

"Anything look interesting, doll?"

Bucky had called you 'doll' for as long as you could remember, but it hadn't felt so...intimate...until recently. You couldn't deny that you loved the sound of it on his lips. "Hmm...just pick something funny."

"So you want a rom-com?" he teased lightly.

"I did not say that, Barnes. I said funny. Like comedy."

"Well too bad," he said as he selected what definitely looked like a rom-com, "I'm all about the romantic comedies."

You groaned.

"What? It's literally got the word 'comedy' in it."

You laughed. "Alright, alright. I'll watch it without complaining, but if it sucks, I'm absolutely gonna judge you."

"Rightfully so."

The two of you settled in, blanket covering you both, enjoying the relaxation of the moment, as well as the pizza and alcohol that was now flowing through your system.

As the movie played, you found yourself not paying much attention, focusing instead on the man next to you. His body language, his posture, the way his hair had little flecks of gray near his temples. He clearly hadn't shaved in a couple days and he was sporting a very sexy beard that you couldn't help but appreciate.

It wasn't until you'd reached adulthood that you actually began to truly fantasize about your dad's best friend. You were legal, which meant a relationship with him was legal, or at the very least a sexual one would be permissible. You'd never said anything, never tried to pursue it, and only flirted jokingly with him like you did with most people you met.

You'd seen the kind of women that Bucky would date over the years, so you were very familiar with his type. You swore they were models, every single one of them, but none of them lasted for more than a month or two. You and your parents were the most consistent thing in his life and you'd often wondered why that was. He was such a good person, but he was so entirely alone. It almost broke your heart.

"I can feel you staring at me," he said lightly.

"Shit, sorry!" you blushed as you looked away.

"It's okay. I got something on my face or what?"

You laughed. "No, I was just lost in thought. Your face happened to be in the way of my gaze."

He chuckled. "How rude of my face."

You elbowed him lightly. "You're a dork."

"Hi pot, this is kettle," he said with a raised eyebrow.

You rolled your eyes. "Shut up and watch the movie," you said in a teasing tone.

Bucky grinned and turned his attention back to the movie. You forced your eyes to look back at the screen, but by this point you had no idea what was happening in this movie. Hell, you weren't even sure who the main characters were.

About 10 minutes passed before your attention was once again broken by the sound of Bucky's voice. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure." You turned your body towards him slightly so he knew you were paying attention.

"Why aren't you seeing anybody?" he asked softly, eyes still glued to the screen.

"You mean, like dating?"

He nodded.

"Well, um...I guess I haven't met anyone worth being with yet."

He nodded again. "But you had several boyfriends in college, as I recall."

"Yeah, but none of them would have ever amounted to anything long term."

"Hmm," he hummed. "It just seems like you deserve better."

"What do you mean? I don't mind being alone."

"A girl like you deserves to be loved, really truly loved. Adored. Worshiped." His voice sounded distant, as if he wasn't even fully aware of what he was saying.

You were surprised by his words, unsure how to respond. A mere 'thank you' didn't really seem right, but it was all you could muster.

The conversation ended again, and you could have left it there...but you'd come here with a purpose, so you just couldn't stop yourself from asking, "Why aren't you seeing anybody?"

Bucky looked at you in surprise, as if he had no idea why you would ask him such a question.

"You asked me, so it's only fair..." you began.

"Right, yeah." He paused. "Um...I met someone who never fails to make me smile, make me laugh, make me feel like I'm a freaking teenager again. But I can't be with her, so I choose to be alone instead."

"Why? That sounds terrible."

He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. "It's not great, honestly, but it's better for her, and that's what matters."

"But if you want to be with her, why aren't you?"

"We can't, okay?" his tone was firm, final.

You slid to a different, but related, subject, "So what's with the parade of women then?"

"Parade of women?" he asked in surprise, eyebrows lifting as he regarded you.

"Come on, Barnes. You've got random hotties popping into your house regularly and you're always bringing some new model to parties and family gatherings."

He groaned, unsure if he actually wanted to answer your question. "You're one of the smartest people I've ever met, (Y/N/N), so why do you think I have them around?"

You shrugged. "Gotta get laid somehow."

He cracked up laughing at that. "Jesus, sometimes I forget how blunt you can be."

You grinned. "Never ask me a question you don't want the answer to."

"Shit. Apparently." He shook his head, eyes going back to the movie.

You watched the movie in silence for a few minutes before Bucky asked you another question. "So what do you do?"

His voice was so low, you weren't even sure you'd heard him correctly. "What do you mean?" you asked.

"You know...to satisfy your...needs."

"Oh," you said in a voice that was definitely a solid octave above normal. You cleared your throat before continuing your response. "Clubs and bars are the best places to pick up semi-drunk men with low standards," you said casually.

His head whipped around to you so fast you thought for sure he'd have whiplash. "I'm sorry, what?"

You shrugged. "Look, guys my age are assholes. It's a known fact. They're often worse when they're drunk, but they're horny as hell, so sometimes they're willing to compromise on their regular standards just so they can get laid. Mind you, it's never good sex, but every once in a while you get at least one orgasm."

Bucky's jaw dropped slightly. "I'm going to circle back to the bad sex, no orgasm part, but I need you to clarify this shit about 'low standards'. Are you saying guys have to lower their standards for you?"

You blushed, eyes not quite meeting his. "I mean, yeah. Sometimes. Most guys aren't exactly into 'big girls', ya know?"

"Hold up right there," he snapped. "Don't give me that shit. There's not a damn thing wrong with you or your body. You're fucking perfect and anyone who doesn't see that is fucking garbage."

Your eyes widened at the intensity of his tone. "I--"

"Those guys are boys, (Y/N), not men. They'll never treat you the way you should be treated," he said, cutting you off. "Don't even realize they've got a damn goddess in their midst," he mumbled, almost as an afterthought.

Your brain was operating at about 10,000 miles an hour. Bucky had just said a whole bunch of shit that you needed a moment to process. All of it was complimentary of you, some of it intensely so. Your only question was, what the hell did it mean?

You both went back to "watching" the movie as if that conversation hadn't just happened. You were still processing what he'd said, and Bucky was kicking himself for opening up his damn mouth.

The current scene transitioned to a very romantic moment, which quickly turned into a literal sex scene. You suddenly felt acutely aware of your proximity to Bucky, and you focused all your energy on breathing like a normal person.

Bucky's fist clenched under the blanket and his breathing sped up slightly. He wasn't at all turned on by the actual movie, but rather by his own imagination. He was imagining that the girl on the screen was you...and the man was him.

You felt the change in Bucky's body almost immediately. His shoulders tensed, his breathing changed, and he didn't move a single muscle. If it weren't for the rapid rise and fall of his chest, you'd think he was a statue.

You swallowed thickly, eyes now glued to Bucky's profile. You couldn't tear your eyes away, no matter how badly you wanted to.

Bucky could feel your gaze burning into him and it only made him want you more. He could feel his resolve slipping, and he knew if he looked at you, it would be game over.

"Why have you been distant lately, Bucky?" you asked quietly.

Your question surprised him. "What?"

"You've been acting strangely ever since I moved back home. I wanna know why."

You could practically hear the gears turning in his brain as he struggled to come up with a lie, some good reason for his behavior. "I've just been busy, doll. That's all."

You scoffed. "That's bullshit, James Barnes, and you know it."

An odd sound left his throat at your words. A sound you could only describe as a deep, low growl. "Don't say my name like that," he hissed.

"What, James?"

His eyes locked on you and if you didn't know him, you'd be terrified. He looked menacing, predatory. "Don't."

"Why not, James?" you murmured.

He gripped the blanket in both of his fists and you heard the gears of his metal hand whirring faster than normal. "You're treading in dangerous waters, (Y/N)."

His voice was lower than normal, deeper. You'd be lying if you said it didn't turn you on. "Then tell me the truth. Why have you been acting weird, James?"

The moment his name left your lips, he practically pounced on you, pushing you flat against the sofa, his large body caging yours in place. "Because I wasn't sure I'd be able to stop myself from doing this," he whispered before attaching his lips to yours in a searing kiss.

You were surprised by the kiss, but that quickly faded into desire. You kissed him back with equal passion and slid your hands up to grip the hair at the base of his neck.

He moaned against your lips when you gave the hair a little tug. You gasped slightly when his metal hand gripped your hip tightly, holding you against him. The parting of your lips gave him just enough space to slide his tongue into your mouth, immediately asserting his dominance over you.

It wasn't until he felt a burning sensation in his lungs that he pulled away from you. You both gulped down deep breaths of oxygen, grateful lungs filling up to capacity.

Bucky looked down at you, pretty (y/e/c) eyes wide, lips parted slightly, chest rising and falling rapidly as you tried to catch your breath. It was an exceptionally sexy image, one he wanted to commit to memory.

Suddenly, your phone rang, breaking the spell that hung in the room. You recognized the ringtone immediately; it was the one you had set for your dad. Unfortunately, Bucky recognized it too, eyes going wide with the realization of what had just happened. He jumped off of you as if you were literally on fire and he stood at the far side of the room, as far away as he could get from you without leaving the room completely.

You reached over to the coffee table and grabbed your phone, sitting up slowly as you answered it. "Hey, dad."

"Hey, kiddo! Just wanted to let you know that your mom and I made it to the hotel safely!"

"That's good. Did you guys have a good flight?"

"Yeah, no issues at all. Peggy--I--I'm sure she can hear you," your dad pulled the phone away from his head and you heard your mom's voice in the background.

"Hi, mom," you said with a chuckle.

"Hi, baby! We miss you already."

"No you don't," you teased. "You're at a resort in the Keys. I'm sure you're just fine without me."

"She's totally right," you heard your dad say in the background.

You heard what sounded like a smack and your mom grumbled something at your dad that you didn't catch.

They both yelled "I love you!" before ending the call.

You sat your phone down, and continued to stare at the wall, afraid to look in Bucky's direction. You could see him pacing out of the corner of your eye, and you slowly built up the courage to raise your gaze to him. "Buck--"

"Don't," he snapped, hand coming up to silence you. "We shouldn't--I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry."

You stood up and started to move towards him. "You didn't do anything that I didn't want you to."

He moved farther away from you, his back touching the wall. "It's wrong, (Y/N)."

"Why? Because society frowns upon age gaps? Or because of your relationship with my dad?"

"Both," he said softly, "But mostly the latter."

"I don't care about either one, for what it's worth," you whispered.

Bucky finally met your eyes. "Doll, we can't. Your dad will kill me."

You shrugged. "He'll have to go through me."

His eyes widened. "You don't mean that."

"The hell I don't. I happen to like you, Bucky, a lot more than I should. I'll be damned if I let anyone tell me that I can't."

You could see the war waging inside of him. The do or do not...walk away or give in. You couldn't tell what he was going to choose, but you needed to know more than anything.

"Why me?" he whispered.

"What?"

"Why me? Why would you want me?"

You scoffed lightly. "I could ask you the same question."

He leveled a hard gaze at you. "Did you forget what I said earlier? You're perfection, a freaking goddess. Why wouldn't I want you?"

You bit your lip, his response sending a wave of desire straight to your core. "I don't actually have a smart ass response to that," you said lightly.

"Good, because I meant it. Every word." He took a step towards you. "Now, answer my question, (Y/N). Why me?"

You took a deep breath. "Because you're...well you're you. You're funny, sweet, annoying as hell. You're there for me when I need you, like a shelter in a storm. You're the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. So...yeah," you finished lamely, having realized you may have said too much.

Bucky stared at you in silence for a few moments, words completely failing him. He had no idea that you felt that way about him, and fuck if it didn't change things for him. "You remember that girl I mentioned earlier? The one that I can't be with?"

You nodded, not entirely sure where he was going with this.

"I didn't realize it until a couple months ago; I suddenly found myself unable to be in her presence without feeling like I was drowning. Like my emotions were going to overtake me and I'd have no control over my actions. I was terrified of hurting her, of making the wrong move, of ruining the only good things I have going in my life...so, I pulled away. I distanced myself as much as humanly possible. I couldn't be near her without wanting her, but avoiding her only made it worse."

You knew he was talking about you, you could feel it in your bones, but you couldn't get your mouth to say the words. Thankfully, he did it for you.

"It's you, (Y/N/N). You're the one I can't get out of my head."

"Then how could I walk away?"

He looked at you in confusion.

"Knowing all of that, knowing exactly how you feel...how could I walk away from you? From this?" you asked quietly.

"Doll..."

You took a step towards him, then another, then another, until you could place your hand against his chest. "Please don't make me walk away," you whispered.

He looked down at you and he realized he couldn't let you go now. It was too late. Any semblance of control left him as he gazed into your eyes. After all, if you felt the same way, then why shouldn't you be together?

He pulled you against him, lips pressing down on yours softer than before. He placed his right hand against your cheek as he deepened the kiss. He wanted to take his time with you, to treat you the way you deserved to be treated, but he was 100% certain that he wouldn't have enough self-control for that.

You pulled away from him. "As much as I would love to make out with you in your living room for three hours, I don't think I have the patience to wait. I want you now."

He groaned. "I wanna worship you, doll," he whispered.

"We'll have time for that later." You palmed the bulge in his jeans and he hissed sharply. "I don't think you have the patience to wait either, James."

"Fuck," he groaned. He grabbed your thighs, pulling you up so your legs were wrapped around him. The ease with which he carried you to his room would have shocked you if you weren't so turned on by it. It was the first time in your adult life that your partner was able to manhandle you and you loved it.

He tossed you onto his bed and quickly began to remove his clothes. You followed suit, eyes never leaving his insanely sculpted body. You felt the insecurity about your own soft curves start to creep in, but the hungry way he looked at you was enough to dispel those instantly.

"Wait," he said as he climbed onto the bed, wearing nothing but his boxers. "I wanna take those off."

You gave him a smile and simply nodded, allowing Bucky to remove your bra and underwear with a slow sensuality that almost had you begging for more.

He moaned sinfully as he took in your entirely naked form. "Shit, doll. How the hell did you get to be so perfect?" His tone was reverent and it had you dripping.

"Bucky," you moaned softly. "Touch me. Please."

He licked his lips. "Patience, doll. You've gotta learn your place." He stood back up. "You see, when we're in the bedroom, I'm in charge. Anywhere else, I'll be your servant, but here? Here, you're mine."

You moaned and arched your back at his words. You had no idea that you'd be so turned on by the idea of being so completely dominated.

"You like that, don't you?"

You bit your lip and nodded.

"I wanna hear you say it, pretty girl."

"I like it," you murmured.

He groaned as he palmed himself through his boxers. "You gonna be a good girl for me, baby?"

You whined loudly, clearly wanting to please him in any way you could. "Please, Bucky."

He grinned at you, eyes sparkling with need. He slipped his boxers off and you gasped as his cock sprung free.

"Holy shit," you said in awe.

He laughed lightly as he crawled back onto the bed, lips melting against yours. When he pulled back he whispered for you to move over.

You moved over and he collapsed beside you, laying on his back. You licked your lips as you eyed his cock, simultaneously wanting to feel it inside you and worrying about whether or not it would even fit.

As if Bucky could sense your trepidation, he touched your face and turned your gaze to his. "Don't worry, doll, I promise you'll be ready for me when the time comes."

You nodded, not entirely sure if you believed him.

He chuckled. "Trust me, baby, I've got you." He settled into place, pushing some of the pillows out of the way so his head laid flat against the bed. "Come on up, sweets. Wanna taste you."

"Huh?"

"Sit on my face."

"I'm sorry, you want me to what?"

He raised his eyebrows. "I want you to smother me with those thick thighs as I eat that pretty pussy until you can't stand it anymore."

You gasped loudly, his words sending an electric shockwave of need directly to your already dripping pussy. "I--I've never done that before," you whispered.

"First time for everything, sweets. Come here, I've got you."

You let him guide you as you climbed onto him, thighs on either side of his head. You hovered over him, unsure of how low you should go or how much pressure you should put on him.

He gave your butt a light swat. "Sit, doll."

"I am," you insisted.

"No," he dug his hands into your hips and pulled you down on top of him. "Fuck yes," he groaned as he licked into your pussy.

You gasped at the feeling of instant pleasure. You had never had a man eat you out the way Bucky Barnes was currently feasting on you. The sounds he made were sinful, but neither of you cared. Your moans were loud and your pleas did not fall on deaf ears. Every time you begged him for something, he provided it immediately. It didn't take him long to figure out exactly what you liked, something most of your previous partners never discovered.

"Bucky," you gasped, fingers digging into his hair as he pressed his face as far into you as he could. His lips and tongue were everything you never knew you needed. It was heaven, it was bliss, it was earth-shattering pleasure. It took him less than five minutes to have you coming apart on his mouth, body spasming as you orgasmed, soft whimpers of pleasure coming from your throat.

To your surprise, Bucky didn't stop when your orgasm subsided. He kept going, his grip on you tightening when you tried to escape. "Bucky, what--"

The pleasure began to build back up and you felt your body give into him completely. Bucky's moans reverberated deep inside you, letting you know exactly how much he was enjoying this.

You'd never felt anything like this before. The tightening in your abdomen, the shaking of your legs, the incredible pleasure you were feeling...it all culminated in another intense orgasm, only mere minutes after the first.

When you struggled against his grip this time, Bucky released you, allowing you to essentially fall onto the bed beside him. Your legs were weak and you were completely out of breath, despite the fact that he was the one who had done all the work.

Bucky licked his lips and shot you a heavy glance. "Anyone ever tell you that you taste incredible?"

You laughed lightly. "Can't say that anyone has."

He grinned and flipped himself so he was on top of you. "Well I'm more than happy to be the ultimate authority on that because no one but me is ever gonna be tasting this sweet pussy again, got it?"

Your eyes widened and you nodded.

"Come on, doll, I know you're still learning the rules, but I need to hear you say it."

"No one else, Bucky."

He groaned and rutted his hips down against yours. "You wanna know why, baby? Because you're mine," he growled.

"Yours, Buck. Only yours," you murmured.

He kissed you, your taste still lingering on his lips and tongue. You couldn't care less as you slid your tongue into his mouth and grabbed onto his shoulders to pull him down to you.

You both moaned as his cock brushed against your still soaking pussy. You realized that he would probably want you to return the favor, so you reached down to stroke his cock, surprised by the girth and length.

"Roll over, Bucky. Let me taste you."

He groaned into your neck before pulling away from you. "As much as I would love that, I don't think I can wait, doll. I need to feel that sweet little pussy wrapped around me."

Your eyes widened and concern covered his face.

"Hey, it's okay," he said softly. "If you don't want to, we can wait. It's okay."

"No, it's not that...It’s just--I've never," you paused to take a deep breath. "I've never had anyone that big before."

He chuckled. "You worried about it fitting?"

You nodded.

"It'll fit, baby, trust me. I'll go slow, okay? I don't wanna hurt you."

You trusted him completely, so you nodded your head. "I want you, Bucky," you whispered.

He groaned and gripped his cock in his right hand. He gave it a couple strokes before lining it up with your entrance. Almost belatedly, he realized something important. "Shit! Condom."

"IUD," you countered quickly.

"Oh thank god," he groaned as he started to push into you.

You gasped, mouth in the shape of an 'O' as he slid more and more of his cock inside of you, stretching you in a way that you'd never been stretched before.

"Shit, doll. You're so tight," he mumbled.

You clung to his arms, the only part of him you could reach. You couldn't say anything, the mix of the pain and the pleasure almost unbearable.

"You okay, sweets?" he whispered.

You nodded. "Keep going."

He leaned down to kiss you softly before pushing the rest of the way in. When he bottomed out, you both moaned, the feeling so incredible you needed a moment to just breathe.

Bucky gave you several moments to adjust before he began to move. The moment he did, your body arched up to meet his, gasps of pleasure leaving your mouth.

"You feel so good, doll. So warm and tight," he groaned.

"Faster, Buck--please," you gasped.

"You got it, doll." He sped up his thrusts, letting your moans guide his speed. The louder you moaned, the faster he thrust.

Each thrust was incredibly pleasurable, but what drove you wild was the way he spoke to you. He whispered soft words of praise against your skin, telling you how incredible you felt, how beautiful you were, how fucking perfect you were for him.

"You like it when I tell you how good you feel, huh, doll? You want me to tell you how sexy I think you are?"

You moaned, too far gone for any words.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. This pussy was fucking made for me. Takin' me so good. You're my good girl, aren't you?"

You nodded, gasping when he changed his angle.

He moaned loudly, feeling your pussy flutter around him. "There it is, sweets. Fuck--squeezing me so tight. Can feel how close you are."

Every single thrust hit your g-spot, a spot you hadn’t been sure actually existed before this. You could barely breathe, let alone think; the pleasure was simply too great. You dug your nails into his back as you cried out, orgasm tearing through you like wildfire.

"That's it, baby. Cover my cock. Feels so good."

Bucky's movements didn't falter, he kept thrusting into you, desperate to feel you release again before he let himself cum.

When you finally regained the ability to speak, your words were barely coherent. "Buck--too much."

"Just one more, doll. Give me one more."

"I--I can't--Oh, fuck--" you moaned loudly when his gentle fingers found your clit.

"You sure about that, doll?"

You continued to moan, but you didn't answer his question. He felt a little bolder now, a little more comfortable with you, so he slowed his motion. "Want me to stop, sweets?"

"Don't stop!" you cried out.

He grinned and quickly sped back up. "That's what I thought."

It took less than a minute for your fourth orgasm of the night to come crashing down on you. Wave after wave of pleasure ripped through your body, each spasm squeezing his cock so tightly he almost came undone.

He started to chase his own release, wanting to make sure you were thoroughly satiated first. "Fuck, baby--so good for me. Gonna fill you up, get you nice and full."

"Please, Bucky," you whimpered. "Wanna feel you."

"Yeah? You want me to cum inside that pretty pussy, huh?"

You nodded rapidly. "Please--I need it."

There was something about the needy tone of your voice that sent him over the edge. He came with a cry of your name, thrusts faltering as he spilled inside you, only pulling out when he was completely empty.

Bucky collapsed beside you, trying to catch his breath as he watched you come down from your own bliss.

After a few minutes of laying there, you were able to find words. "That was--fuck," you murmured.

He laughed and you joined in. "My sentiments exactly," he whispered, rolling towards you to plant a kiss to your temple.

"Am I supposed to be able to move?"

He grinned ear to ear. "Not if it was good."

"Think I'll be able to feel my legs by tomorrow?"

He laughed again. "You'll feel 'em, doll...but you might be walking funny."

"That's a new one," you said softly.

"I promise it won't be the last time," he said gently.

You turned your head to face him with a smile. "I sincerely hope not. I don't think I can live without your cock now. Or your mouth for that matter."

He laughed. "What about me?"

"Well...I suppose you're okay too," you teased.

He rolled over and tugged you into his chest. "Just okay? I'll show you just okay," he said lightly as he peppered kisses all over you.

"Bucky!" you laughed as you squirmed. "Stop--stop--I take it back!"

He grinned and kissed your lips softly. When he pulled back, his eyes were filled with an emotion you couldn't quite place. "I adore you, (Y/N). Just thought you should know."

You smiled at him and touched his face gently. "Me too, Buck."

He turned his head to kiss your palm before falling against the pillows again. "So I think we take a nice hot shower before crashing. I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted."

"This would be a great time to make a joke about you being old, but I'm too tired for that," you joked lightly.

He grinned. "I just fucked you senseless, doll. You really wanna be cracking jokes about my age?"

"Touché."

He kissed the top of your head before pulling himself out of the bed. "Gonna start the shower. Make sure it's nice and hot."

When he came back, you looked up at him sheepishly. "I, umm--I don't think I can stand."

He grinned ear to ear. "You have no idea how much pride that makes me feel."

You laughed. "Maybe if you just help me up--"

Bucky cut you off by scooping you out of the bed and carrying you to the shower. You should have known he wouldn't let you try to walk.

He stepped into the shower and gently set you down on the bench at the edge of his massive shower. Thank god for the damn bench, you thought to yourself.

Bucky quickly washed himself before coming over to you and beginning to wash you. He moved slowly, gently, almost reverently, making sure every single inch of your skin was clean. When he decided you were thoroughly bathed, he turned off the water and carried you out of the shower, setting you on the marble countertop to dry you off.

When you were dry, he carried you back to his bed and gently laid you down beneath the covers. "Do you want pajamas? Mine will be too big for you, but I'm happy to give you some."

"Maybe just a shirt?"

"You go it, doll." He walked to the dresser, pulled out a t-shirt, and brought it over to you.

You threw it on quickly, surprised at how big it was on you. The guy was literally over 6 feet tall and nothing but muscle, but still. When you looked up at him, you were surprised to find him staring at you. "Why're you looking at me like that?"

"Sorry, sweets. You just look so hot in my shirt."

You laughed. "Thanks, Buck." You patted the bed beside you. "Come to bed."

Bucky quickly turned off all the lights and slipped into the bed with you. "I, umm--I sleep naked. Is that okay?"

You turned to look at him, mock disgust on your face. "So gross. I'm horrified," you teased.

He rolled his eyes and chuckled. "I just wanted to make sure."

"I had your dick inside me like 30 minutes ago, Bucky. I think I can handle sleeping beside your naked body."

He felt his dick twitch slightly at your words, but he did his best to ignore it. Plenty of time for that later. He rolled towards you and kissed you softly. "Goodnight, beautiful."

You smiled warmly. "Goodnight, Bucky."

**********

You stirred when a ray of sunlight slipped through the curtains and into your eyes. You could tell by the shade of the ray that it was still early in the morning. You rolled over and were surprised to find Bucky still sound asleep beside you. You knew he was an early riser, so he was very likely to wake up soon.

As you laid there watching him, an idea popped into your head. You weren't sure if it was something you should do, but the more you thought about it, the more irresistible the thought became.

Lucky for you, Bucky was a hot sleeper. He'd thrown off all but a sheet sometime during the night. He was laying on his back, breathing even, eyes shut tightly.

You moved slowly, careful not to disturb him. You sat up and slowly peeled back the sheet. Much to your surprise, his cock was already half hard. You smirked, feeling like the gods had smiled down on you.

You were very gentle as you took his cock into your hands and slowly began to stroke it. He stirred slightly, clearly feeling something even if his brain couldn't place it.

As his cock began to harden more, you slipped it into your mouth, sucking slowly, letting soft moans of pleasure slip from your lips.

Bucky really began to wake up then, but he was still in a daze. He wasn't sure what was happening, but he knew it felt good.

You continued sucking as his cock grew to its full size. In moments he was rock hard and his hips were moving against your mouth of their own accord.

Bucky's eyes fluttered open and he slowly looked around the room. When he looked down, his breath caught in his chest at what he saw: your pretty little mouth wrapped around his cock, bright (y/e/c) eyes locked onto his face.

You moaned softly, as if to acknowledge the fact that he was now fully awake. Your moan pulled one from deep in his own throat.

"Fuck, doll--feels so good," he moaned. "I'm so close, baby. Keep going."

You were surprised by his words, thinking it would take longer to work him to orgasm. But you didn't stop, in fact, you sped up slightly.

"Oh, god--" his hands tangled in your hair and his hips bucked up slightly. "Just like that."

You focused more of your efforts on the tip, using your hands to stroke the rest.

"That's it, baby--oh, fuck--" Bucky's body tensed and he came with a loud groan, filling up your mouth with his seed.

You swallowed every drop, mouth not leaving his cock until he pulled you gently up towards him. He kissed you softly before rolling you over so you were under him.

"Good morning," he whispered.

You grinned. "Good morning."

"You're gonna have to sleep over every night if that's how you're gonna wake me up."

You licked your lips. "I wouldn't complain."

He groaned. "You're gonna be the death of me, doll."

"Is that cuz you're old?" you teased.

He looked at you in surprise, but his eyes started to darken. "You sure you wanna go there, sweets?"

You stood your ground, knowing you were going to be rewarded for it. "It must be because you're old, or you wouldn't--"

Your words were cut off by his fiery kiss. He barely gave you time to register what was happening before his head was in between your legs and you were crying out in pleasure.

You knew you were in for one hell of a morning...but you wouldn't have it any other way.

#james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes x reader smut #marvel smut #bucky barnes #dbf!bucky #dbf!bucky Barnes x reader #dbf!bucky Barnes x plus size!reader #plus size!reader #plus size smut

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wrenreid · 1 year

Text

Off Limits

Content warnings: mentions of unwanted touching, classic douchebag guy

Part Nine

So perhaps my crush on Spencer has come back. Okay, my crush on Spencer has definitely come back. But it’s suppressible. It’s manageable. Which is a good thing because he’s coming over tonight.

I’m going out with CeCe and some others later tonight, and Spencer’s going to babysit Jack. Dad has decided he needs a Friday night to himself and whiskey at the bar or he’ll go insane.

Our paths will cross, even though briefly, and I need to not show him I like him. It’ll be weird. But I have some time until said crossing of paths.

It’s only 11am right now, and I’m sitting on the couch, watching Spider-man with Jack (and thirsting over Andrew Garfield.) Dad is doing some paperwork or whatever it is he does in his home office, staring down at files with an exhausted expression written all over his face.

Spring break is ending soon, but I’d rather not think about it. Honestly, I’ve been debating on finishing the semester out online. I’ve been wanting to transfer to Georgetown here in DC anyway, but I haven’t mentioned it to Dad. He’d get too excited, and I wouldn’t want to let him down if I decided to stay in New York.

I just think it could be good for him and for Jack for me to be close. And for me too. I miss them and living at home would save me a lot of money. It would keep Aunt Jessica from having to be his nanny all the time. Really, me moving back is sensible. And it’s not like I hate it here. Sure, me and Dad but heads and I hate being controlled like he tries to do, but he’s trying to change and I’ll mature even more eventually.

“It would be so cool to swing from buildings,” Jack proclaims, pulling me away from my thoughts.

“Hell no,” I say, shaking my head. “Heights are scary.”

“Not if you had spidey senses.”

“I don’t know, Jack Jack. I think I’d still be scared sh- poopless.”

My little brother laughs at my choice of words then turns his attention back to Peter Parker on the screen.

I like when he watches the live action versions of superhero movies rather than the cartoons, and not because the actors are always hot. I find them more relatable and appealing. But also because the actors are always hot. I mean have you seen Robert Downey Jr?

We continue to watch the movie, and Peter Parker’s brilliance and nerdiness remakes Spencer pop into my mind. Which makes me annoyed because since the last time I saw him, two days ago, I’ve thought about him at least 25 times. I cannot be turning back into 17 year old me.

Dad has surprisingly not lectured me about going out tonight, but it’s not like I’m going to another party to drink. Sometimes he acts like I’m this wild child that parties every night and does drugs. Which isn’t the case at all. I’ve never even smoked weed. I almost did one time then I was convinced my dad would smell it on me when I went back home, even if it was going to be another two weeks. Anyway, since his promise to chill the fuck out, he hasn’t said much of anything about me going out. I appreciate it.

I’m hoping that if I do decide to stay here in DC, that we will create a system. One where I can hang out with friends and party as long as I’m responsible and continue my school work, which there’s absolutely no chance that I would ever sacrifice my career. I’m too much like him. One where he can go out and take a break when he needs to, and I can be here for Jack.

The time finally passes, and I start getting ready for our hangout. I’m going out with CeCe and the guy she’s talking to I suppose. They’re not officially, but they’re not seeing anyone other than each other. Anyway, he’s bringing his friend he met from college. I’ve never met his friend, but CeCe introduced me to Jacob a couple of months ago.

I slip into a little green dress and chunky white heels. It’s just a casual get together, and I have no idea why I’m dressing to impress some guy I don’t even know, but here I am, applying my eyeliner carefully so that it looks perfect. Subconsciously, I know I’m trying to impress this guy so that he can help me get over Spencer. It’s wrong, and I’m not proud, but I’m not ashamed enough to not do it.

Jack is sitting in the floor of his room, playing on the rug with little roads and houses on it for him to drive his toy trucks. I check in on him a few times to make sure he’s okay while I get ready.

“Jade?” I hear from downstairs.

I recognize Spencer’s voice the millisecond my name releases his lips. I like the way it sounds…

He still has the key from when he stayed with Jack and I.

“Upstairs,” I call back.

A few minutes later, I head down the stairs to see Jack already with Spencer. He looks up from the couch, and I swear his face turns a shade of red that almost makes me melt into a puddle in front of the door.

“W- wow,” he whispers.

I blush and move my hair from my face. “What?” I play dumb, biting my lip softly.

I have no idea what’s going on here, but I can physically feel whatever it is.

“Your dress is pretty,” he says with a soft smile.

“Yeah?” I smile, looking down at myself with a little side to side twirl, my dress flowing with each movement. “I-is there anything you need before I go?”

Spencer shakes his head. “No.”

“Call me if you end up thinking of something,” I say then grab my wristlet and phone before leaving the apartment.

“Holy shit, Jade, you look gorgeous,” CeCe grins, grabbing my hips to look me up and down.

“What this?” I shrug, pretending as if I didn’t spend 45 minutes getting ready.

“Justin is going to love you,” she wiggled her eyebrows.

“So what’s the plan exactly?” I ask.

“It’s just casual. Movie and popcorn,” CeCe says, grabbing my hand and leading me into her apartment.

Jacob and his friend, Justin, are sitting on her couch, talking when we walk up to them.

“You must be Jade,” Justin stands up, offering his hand to me.

I take it, looking to CeCe with a grin that silently says “What a gentleman.”

The four of us sit down for the movie. I honestly am convinced that CeCe let them pick a boring one just for the purpose of making out because while Justin and I suffer through the plotless film, Jacob’s tongue is down her throat.

“Hey why don’t we get some drinks?” Justin asks. “Do you have any?”

“Unfortunately, no,” CeCe frowns. “But we could go get some.” She looks to me, and I nod gently.

“Sure why not,” Jacob hops up, offering to go with her.

I press my lips together, but decide it’s fine for the two of them to go grab some drinks. It’ll give me the opportunity to get to know Justin. Hell, maybe CeCe’s boy toy’s friend will end up being my boy toy… well, not boy toy in the sense that Jacob is to Ce.

My initial thought was deemed idiotic as I stand on the porch, tears streaming down my face as the phone in my hand rings twice before the voice finally answers.

“Dr. Reid speaking,” he says into the phone, and if I wasn’t in tears I would think it was kind of cute the way he picked up.

“Hey,” I say with a timid voice.

“Jade?” Spencer asks just as I was about to tell him it was me calling.

“Yeah. Can I ask you a favor? I can’t call my dad.”

His voice is hesitant and curious when he asks, “What do you need?”

I take a deep breath, closing my eyes for a moment. “I was in a bad situation, and I need a ride home.”

“Are you hurt?” Spencer asks worriedly.

“No. I’m fine. And you really don’t have to, I just didn’t know who else to-“

“I’m coming.”

A faint, small smile creeps up onto my lips. “I’ll send you the address.”

“Thank you, Spencer,” I say gratefully, buckling my seatbelt. “Dad would’ve interrogated me and flipped shit if I told him what happened. I’m thinking maybe I should start driving myself everywhere since I’ve had to make you my uber.” I laugh softly.

“I don’t mind,” he tells me and sounds like he’s being honest. “I won’t interrogate you, but if you want to talk about what happened, you can. You look like you’ve been crying.”

Well, he sure doesn’t sugarcoat his observations. I guess I shouldn’t have expected him to. He is Spencer after all.

“You promise you won’t tell my dad?”

“As long as there was no murder involved, then yes I promise,” he says. I’m not sure if he’s joking.

“It’s nothing serious like that.” I take a breath. “I was with one of my friends and this guy she’s sort of dating. He brought a friend, so we could all hang out. We went to her place, and my friend and her boyfriend - whatever he is - went to the store to get some beer. The guy kissed me after we were talking a little, and I let him. A-and it kept going until he started touching me. I didn’t pull away because I wouldn’t have anywhere to go, and we’d just sit there awkwardly if I did. He put his hand up my dress, and I finally told him to stop. I had to say it twice. And he didn’t get angry per-say, but he seemed annoyed and said he didn’t realize I “was one of those stuck up, prissy bitches.” Word for word… anyway, I just wanted to get out of there.”

Spencer takes his eyes off the road and moves them to me for a moment. “Jade, I’m so sorry. He sounds like a real douchebag. You shouldn’t have had to go through that.”

I shrug slightly, moving my hair from my face. “It’s fine I guess. It could’ve been worse.”

“That doesn’t make it okay,” Spencer states.

“You’re right,” I say with a nod. “Things like that happen sometimes. Usually it’s just kissing when I haven’t shown any interest, and they’ll stop when I say to. I just kind of freaked out when his hand touched my lower stomach. I mean, I didn’t exactly want my first time to be with some dude I’d just met. Of course, I don’t judge people who do that. It’s just not for me. Seems awkward…” My eyes widen when I realize that not only am I rambling nervously, but I also just admitted to a guy I find extremely attractive that I’m a virgin.

ten

tags: @pauline5525mgg @theintimatewriter @lilibet261 @greysviolets @jazzymariexoxoc @one-sweet-gubler @thatsonezesty13 @necromaniackat @awhoreforspencerreid @sebs-oxygen @scarredelirium @bts-sugaplum @awesomeness1679 @preciousbabypeter @yazzyu @cynbx @r3idsp3ncer @1010lizz @tiredbut-here @skulzombiw @lena-1895 <3

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seradae · 2 months

Text

The following is an extremely rambling personal post

I came out as a trans woman when I was 32. Before then, I had identified as genderfluid for ages, but it was more how I felt than the way I presented. To virtually everyone, I was a man, and I was okay with that. Sort of.

While I had known GNC and trans folks growing up, it wasn't something I knew much about, and I certainly didn't consider it as an option. Even if I had spent a decade online "pretending" to be a woman and playing one in every game I could. Hell, I even had a name picked out (Erica), but it was fantasy... Right?

I first seriously considered transitioning when I was 18. At the time, I was friends with a whole bunch of furries, all of whom were queer and many of whom were trans (and all the ones I still keep up with have since come out as some flavor of trans). They were able to answer my questions, and ask me the right ones to make me realize that no, not everyone feels the way I do. Not everyone wishes with every fiber of their being that they had been AFAB. Not everyone thinks about whether they're worthy of feeling right in their body.

I spent so much time thinking about it, and frankly I knew it was what I wanted, but I also thought I knew why it was impossible. Why it was a terrible idea. Not because I wasn't a woman, but for two very specific reasons.

Reason #1: My business partner at the time (I was doing the tech startup thing) and closest friend was a massive transphobe. Unashamedly so. His influence left me with a ton of internalized transphobia, and I knew that it would be the end of that relationship. When I came out on Facebook 14 years later, I blocked him that day so I wouldn't have to see the vitriol.

Reason #2: I thought I would be an ugly woman. Or worse, that I'd look like an ugly man trying to look like a woman. In retrospect, this was a dumb reason, and seeing a post to the effect of "if the thing holding you back from transitioning is that you think you'd be an ugly woman, you're already a woman" was actually a huge part of what spurred me to finally do it. I never liked my face, never liked my skin, never liked my body. Untangling the body dysmorphia from gender dysphoria is still an ongoing process for me, but I feel better about my body now than I ever have before.

So, I'm 32 and I'm a baby trans woman. I don't know shit, but I have an incredibly supportive wife to help me explore myself and learn who I am. I have all these wonderful resources, and things are going well. But I am absolutely full of regret that I can't shake.

Every day, I oscillate between two states: wishing I had transitioned earlier, and knowing that I wouldn't have the life I have now if I had. I knew I couldn't rewind time and change things, but I still felt guilty. I have a wife and kid that I love and wouldn't trade for anything, but I kept thinking about the opportunities I missed.

I thought often about what it could've been like to experience my first makeup (aside from some simple gothy eyeliner and black nail polish) as a teen. Sleepovers with girl friends. Shopping for clothes that would've made me feel comfortable and happy.

I'm sure I would've faced hell, but I already was. I was a depressed kid, bullied throughout my school years, the first out and proud bisexual in a rural high school, fat, and awkward as fuck. But I could've hated myself less, or at least differently.

But a few years in, I don't feel these same regrets anymore. I might not be a teenager, but it doesn't make those firsts any less special. I get to experience them with my loving wife. I get to experience them with money, which is a far cry from my childhood. I get to experience them with the knowledge of how far I've come, and that I fucking made it.

I didn't think I would make it to 18. I didn't think I would make it to 21. I knew I wouldn't make it to 25, for sure. And now I'm closer to 50 than I am 21, even if I've got a ways to go. While I can't see the future, I can say that if I don't make it there, it won't be at my own hand. That's not something I would've been able to say before.

I still think about the "what if"s. It's impossible not to. But I don't regret my transition timeline anymore. I am living my damn life and I'm living it well. It's a good time to be me. Every day is; even the hard ones.

#stfu sera

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italic-doing-random-shit · 4 months

Note

all of them. unless you're uncomfortable with any

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

only with my mom

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

I last said I love you to panda

03: Do you regret anything?

yep, lots of things

04: Are you insecure?

hell yeah, plenty to not like about me but that’s the anxiety talking

05: What is your relationship status?

taken

06: How do you want to die?

quickly, calmly

07: What did you last eat?

hamburbur

08: Played any sports?

play soccer mainly, but dabbled around

09: Do you bite your nails?

unless I paint them, yes

10: When was your last physical fight?

fourth grade

11: Do you like someone?

yeah, I’m dating them

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

yep

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

I hate actions not people, unless the action is unjustifiable. So like, Israeli military and my dad

14: Do you miss someone?

I miss my moots in a way of ‘we never met but I want you here way’

15: Have any pets?

yep, always lived with dogs

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

really shitty

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

nope, never even kissed someone

18: Are you scared of spiders?

nah, they’re little guys

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

nope, might get killed legally

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

haven’t yet

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

take a fucking break

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

maybe, all I know is I want to adopt

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

none, but I want basic earibgs

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

anything art related or english

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

no, I left them for a reason

26: What are you craving right now?

sleep and cuddles

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

yeah,,,,, I didn’t want to hurt them but I’m not going to date someone I don’t like back. It’s not fair.

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

nope

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

I believe so, but we were being sweet and it was a while ago

30: What’s irritating you right now?

school

31: Does somebody love you?

yes

32: What is your favourite color?

red

33: Do you have trust issues?

yes

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

Me, someone was trying to kill me

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

my teacher when asking for stock footage

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

I think but also everyone deserves a new chance

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forgive

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

don’t know, still growing

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

haven’t had one

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

when I was like one

51: Favourite food?

Cheese quesadillas

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

yeah, why else would they happen

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

hug my mom

54: Is cheating ever okay?

only on tests that don’t matter much

55: Are you mean?

playfully mean

56: How many people have you fist fought?

three

57: Do you believe in true love?

yes

58: Favourite weather?

summer rain

59: Do you like the snow?

YES

60: Do you wanna get married?

yes

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

yeah, I love pet names

62: What makes you happy?

a lot of things

63: Would you change your name?

yes, I did

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

no? I kissed my mom on the check and I’ll do it again

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

(well as a trans male) if I was single and liked them then maybe but usually I just say I’m not interested and run off embarrassed

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

not really

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

Inka

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

my mom

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

yes

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

no, but there plenty of people I’d live for

#asks #tunny!! 🩷#Ask game

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emmaaxomarie · 2 years

Text

i know this is random but this is what i imagine texting these characters would look like: (edward nashton, klitz, & brian wilcox) 🥰

edward nashton:

he would blow up your phone, the average amount of messages you would receive from him in numerous texts in a row. spamming is his specialty!

“hey angel! xxx” (8:59 am)

“how did you sleep?” (8:59 am)

“have any good dreams?” (8:59 am)

“i missed you.” (9:00 am)

“gosh you make me so happy!” (9:00 am)

“💚💚💚💚” (9:00 am)

“why can’t i be with you every minute of the day. i hate being separated from you.” (9:00 am)

“(y/n)? sweetheart? are you okay?” (9:01 am)

“why aren’t you answering me?????” (9:01 am)

“hellloooooo xxxx” (9:01 am)

if you ever took a nap without telling him, oh dear god. all hell would break loose. this pretty much sums it up.

edward nashton <3 (30 messages)

edward nashton <3 (21 missed calls)

edward nashton <3 (3 missed facetime)

and when you do finally wake up.

“edward. i was sleeping.” (3:47 pm)

“OH GORGEOUS YOURE HERE!!!” (3:47 pm)

klitz:

good morning and good night messages are like routine for him.

i feel personally he’s the type of person who would send random memes or whatever he has in his camera roll.

ALSO expect a lot of embarrassing photos of yourself being sent from him.

“good morning <3” (7:01 am)

“i don’t want to go to school.” (7:01 am)

“can senior year go any slower?” (7:02 am)

“omg (y/n).” (4:25 pm)

“look at this photo i took of you in the lunch room today, fucking hilarious.” (4:25 pm)

“OH MY GOD KLITZ THATS AWFUL. DONT SHOW ANYONE THAT?!?!” (4:26 pm)

“… sorry already did love. please don’t hate me.” (4:26 pm)

“😀😀”

don’t even tell me i’m wrong because i know im right. he would definitely send you voice memos all the time! he finds it easier rather than texting.

klitz 👾 4 notifications:

voice memo 1 - 50 seconds

voice memo 2 - 1.00 minute

voice memo 3 - 23 seconds

voice memo 4 - 3 seconds

“klitz. why couldn’t you just text me this?” (8:31 pm)

“ugh i’m lazy, my fingers don’t type that fast.” (8:32 pm)

brian wilcox:

depending on the person he’s talking to, he can either take ages to answer or will spam your phone.

of course, with you. he spamsssss you like crazy.

and with the most random stuff too.

a lot of at work selfies being sent to you. possibly a little vlog of him making other people’s food but of course being disgusting with it.

briannn 🖤 sent you a video

“BRIAN!!! did you just spit in someone’s food????” (10:01 pm)

“uhhh.” (10:01 pm)

“yeah.” (10:01 pm)

“what’s the problem?” (10:01 pm)

“i don’t get paid enough to take this job seriously…” (10:05 pm)

since he doesn’t really have a lot of contacts on his phone, brian will lowkey take it personal if you don’t reply back quick.

“you hate me don’t you.” (10:34 pm)

“y/nnnnnnn” (10:34 pm)

“brian! sweetie! i’m sorry i was in the shower! i’m back!” (10:43 pm)

“HEYYY😍! i just remembered. i have a new deftones song to show you :)” (10:44 pm)

#paul dano #paul dano x reader #paul dano x y/n #paul dano imagines #klitz x reader #brian wilcox x reader #edward nashton x reader #batman 2022 #danonation #klitz the girl next door #the riddler #riddler x reader

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darsynia · 1 year

Text

Trust Fall | ch4b سورج کی روشنی

(MCU, Tony/OC 'terrorists made us fall in love,' IM1 timeline)

Summary: Emory Autumn works as a PA to pop star Rory Fall. While they’re in Afghanistan performing for the troops, Emory is taken prisoner along with billionaire Tony Stark. The terrorists think she’s Rory, and they’re expecting a ransom...

Length: 2,249 ((this chapter is in 2 parts))

Also! All chapter titles translate in some way to 'Sunlight.'

ARC reactor image by Eury Escodero on Unsplash | image by 'neverfeltbetter' on wordpress

In this chapter... The head terrorist shows up with one of Rory's CDs and demands that Emory sing from it...

I’m shy as hell about saying this but if anyone wants to be tagged or ask me to write something please do! Tags: @starryeyes2000 @raith-way @arrthurpendragon

Trust Fall Masterlist | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Chapter Four: سورج کی روشنی

Emory heads back to her cot with a lot on her mind.

She wishes she had just put her hand on his chest below the magnet, and pushed him out of the way! That would have left her feeling less exposed, less like she’d directed that magnet to point at her body, instead. Can Stark even help it, the way he looks at women? Is it the same for everyone? She has to assume so. It’s not like she doesn’t know she’s often relegated to the ‘nice boobs in a dress’ role when going places with Rory.

It had happened so often recently that she actually feels like she might have lied to Stark about not being used to being on display. But it was always like being on a shelf, someone to look at and not touch, a facet of time spent with Rory Fall, her quiet PA with the big breasts.

Emory had hated being on the periphery like that at first, but people didn’t notice her after a while, and they’d say and do things that they wouldn’t have, if they’d known she was listening. She’d never have done the competition show at all if she’d known what that aspect of show business was like. No, Emory wants to do shows, musical theater, her favorite part of high school. She’s auditioned a few times, but nothing has come of it. It’s a shame, because as a contralto, her voice is valued but rare, and there isn’t as much competition for those roles.

Nothing had come of her association with Rory, none of the strings pulled like they’d been promised. Emory had told herself it was any number of things, but now as she sits in a cave in Afghanistan, the truth is so clear it’s embarrassing.

Rory needed her, and that was all that mattered. It was clear to everyone. Was it Rory or the execs that made a discreet, discouraging phone call?

Did it matter?

She takes off her shoes and throws them. At 20, 22, 24, those were the perfect ages to break in. Now she’s 25, and it’s not old, but if it takes five or so years to work up from ensemble, that makes her 30, 32, 33 by the time she gets that chance.

Stark is looking over. He stands up, and she scrambles to her feet.

“Don’t.”

“Oh, I’m not much of a gofer,” he says, grabbing something from the other side of the table.

Emory feels like a complete idiot.

“I’d kick them over, but the little rocks can really stick in there,” Stark adds, as if that helps smooth things over. “That and you look like you could probably set off one of these rockets with just your eyes,” he mutters.

“I want something to do,” she says.

“Well, you can’t help carry, but you can find an organized place to put that stuff?” he suggests, gesturing to the collection of objects on the table.

“I’m plenty strong for my size,” Emory says, but she walks over, snags her shoes, and meets Stark at the table. He gestures to the things he needs to stay, and she grabs a rectangular metal box from against the wall, cleans it out as best she can, and puts the rest of the items inside it.

“Your cot is the one in the middle of the room?” she asks, as Stark and Yinsen start carrying a missile over.

“Mmhmm,” Stark says, straining a little.

Emory notes that the way they have to carry the thing does actually press it against their torsos. That’s… not an available option for her, unless she varied positioning.

“What if I kept this under mine? I don’t want you to lose these things if they come in and start moving things around.”

He dusts off his hands and looks at her, his brown eyes assessing. “Ok. Thank you.”

Only after she puts the box with an inch or two sticking out at the foot of her cot does she realize that she’s put herself into the rhythm of his work as a matter of necessity. When he needs those things, he’ll have to come over to get them, whether she’s helping, or not.

Emory’s out of things to do but watch Stark, so she backs off out of his line of sight and leans up against the wall to do that. He’s removing screws that hold on the tail, always careful, especially when he has to turn the body of the thing to access the next tiny screw.

“How many languages do you speak?” he asks Yinsen. The interpreter rattles off many different ones, his tone implying a reluctant respect for the number of men the group has assembled, from so many various sources. Stark asks Yinsen what they call themselves, and Emory winces when Yinsen’s reply is to call them loyal customers of Stark Industries. He names the organization Ten Rings, which Emory’s never heard of before, but she’s not surprised. To say she and these people travel in different circles would be an understatement.

A shout sounds on the other side of the doors. Stark puts down the battery pack for a cordless drill he’d just examined, and Yinsen gets up to stand between them and the door. They open, and the bearded man comes in with a CD jewel case in his hand.

Emory’s heart sinks. Is this it? The point where they compare her face with Rory’s? She waits for the man to look at her, then at the jewel case, and frown-- but the last part doesn’t happen. He comes towards her, Yinsen trailing behind, and grins, saying something while shaking the CD case.

“He says he wants you to sing something from it.”

Stark’s standing behind the two of them, his expression grim, but Emory smiles at the terrorist. It has to be the ‘Watching’ album, her first. The album cover is of the back of Rory’s head and shoulders as she looks out on a beach scene. They’d styled her hair exactly like Emory’s is now.

“Which one?” she asks Yinsen, who passes the question along. Stark’s waving her off with subtle hand movements, which she’s grateful for considering the cameras are presumably still active. She ignores him, tossing her head to draw the terrorist’s attention to her hair, which she knows he likes.

If she can buy time acting the way he expects, she will.

The man shrugs when Yinsen passes along her query.

“Okay,” she says.

“Don’t you need instruments?” Stark asks. Emory’s pretty sure he’s doing it to get her out of the assignment, like he thinks she’ll fail miserably and he’ll have to watch her get shot and it’ll ruin his day, or something.

He’s wrong, though. She’s the one who taught Rory all of these songs.

She decides to sing the title track, because it’s kind of ballad-y with minimal accompaniment. The song is a low, sultry plea to the singer’s lover to come back to her, to stop worrying about the things that keep them apart. It’s one of the most emotional songs on the album; Emory’s heard that it’s harder for people to kill their victims when they see them as humans with emotional ties to the world and others. She can’t build something out of a stockpile of weapons, so Emory Autumn’s going to fight with the tools she has.

She doesn’t have perfect pitch, but she has relative pitch, so she starts in what is almost certainly the correct key.

I can’t go about my day

No shower, no coffee, no train

Nothing’s been the same

Since you pulled away

I get your life’s a mess

I don’t travel in your set

Can’t afford the right dress

That don’t make this hurt less

What good’s the money without love

Headlines don’t touch your face at night

Do you drive your Ferrari with the top down

Feelin’ the wind like my hands in your hair

Do you smile for the cameras knowing I’m watching

Do you sit alone and ache like I do

Premieres, interviews, fundraisers

Every girl you touch calls you sir

Your kingdom of subjects, empty as air

While this pauper watches from afar

What good’s the money without joy

Magazines can’t make you cry out a name

Do you drive your Ferrari with the top down

Feelin’ the wind like my hands in your hair

Do you smile for the cameras knowing I’m watching

Do you sit alone and ache like I do

I want you to know I’m watching

Counting the frown lines I’d have soothed

I want you to know I’m crying

Thinking about how perfectly we moved

Money ain’t memory, sweetheart-- you can’t take it with you

Can’t make you care more about your heart than your legacy

So I’ll just be here watching

Watching

Emory had gotten carried away around the second verse, closing her eyes and focusing on the words. At first she’d been remembering trying to get Rory to understand the word ‘pauper,’ arguing with her that her fans would not assume she was saying the word ‘puppy.’ But once she’d hit the words she loved most from the song, about the wind feeling like a lover’s hands, she’d thrown everything she had into the song.

When she’s done with the last, resonant low note, she opens her eyes. The bearded terrorist was waiting for her cue, it seems, because as soon as she looks at him, he grins, clapping his hands vociferously. He babbles a bunch of things out in a rush, nodding at Yinsen.

“He says you will be worth every penny.”

“What a compliment,” Emory says, her knees suddenly weak with both relief and deferred fear. She stumbles over to the table they eat their meals on. The man starts for the door, tossing a comment over his shoulder that makes Yinsen wince.

“Better than the recording, he says.”

“Yeah, that’s for a reason,” she mutters, scrubbing her hands over her face. “Fuck, that was terrifying.”

“You have an amazing talent,” Yinsen says quietly.

“Much good it’s done me, but thanks.” Emory sighs. “Are there any more chunks of bread?”

“Yes, sit, I’ll bring you some.”

She sits, suddenly cold. Looking over her shoulder towards her cot, Emory kind of wishes she could just will her blanket over to her.

“Rory can barely sing at all,” Stark says. His voice sounds strange, almost like he’s struggling to breathe. Emory shifts her gaze from her cot to the table where the billionaire is standing, staring at her.

“That’s not really true. She’s a soprano, but she can fake singing low, singing like me, and that’s what the execs have asked her to do for years. It fucks up your vocal cords, straining like that,” Emory says. She’s usually far more angrily defensive when talking about her friend, but there had been a moment where she’d thought she was going to die just by virtue of not being Rory. It’s still fucking with her head.

Years of Rory having to pretend to be Emory, vocally. At first, they’d tried to get her to act differently, too-- less excitable and fashion obsessed, more sexy and aloof. It had almost been a compliment for Emory, the idea that this might have been what they saw in her personality… but none of that really mattered. She’d just been a template, overlooked, likely discarded had it not been for Rory’s initial desperation and sense of guilt.

These things had been easier to ignore when she’d been working with Rory every day. Now? Some of the things she’d let go for years are proving that they’ve only seemed harmless. She’s been sweeping them under the rug for so long the dust bunnies have grown teeth.

“Does she pay you to do that? Explain away all her flaws?” Stark asks. He’s come over to the table.

“Here, they’ll bring more tomorrow, and it’ll be stale by then,” Yinsen says, handing her a large chunk of bread.

Emory takes a bite and looks up at Stark. He looks shaken, but she supposes that makes sense. The song is about a rich man, something she hadn’t really considered in context with Stark until just now. Because of his accusatory tone and seeming shock at her level of talent is nonzero, she feels loose and combative.

“No, she doesn’t pay me to tell the truth about her singing voice when someone disparages it to me, I just do that because she’s my friend.”

“Is she your friend, at this point?”

“Song hit a little too close to home, Mr. Florist?” Emory asks, tipping her head to the side and smiling sweetly.

Stark inclines his head, seeming to accept her jibe. “So hey, what happened to the ‘it’s better with feelings’ guy?” he asks, leaning his palms on the table, looking at her intently.

“Long-distance didn’t work out. Which kind of bears out what I said, doesn’t it?” she says, holding his gaze.

“Who left?”

“I did.”

He looks at her for many seconds, tracing his eyes across her face, along her hair, across her chest, and back up at her eyes. “It was a tour, wasn’t it? She took you on tour, and you lost him.” Stark’s smug certainty pisses her off.

“Fuck you,” she says, getting up and walking away.

“Imagine what a force of nature you’d be with someone who deserved that level of loyalty!” he shouts after her.

Next chapter, Emory's ruse is discovered, and Tony relies on his reputation as a womanizer to request that he be allowed to 'keep' her as a 'distraction.'

#tony stark #tony stark fanfiction #tony stark x oc #tony stark x original character #iron man fanfiction #iron man #iron man x oc #iron man x original character #mcu #mcu fanfiction #mcu fanfic #marvel #marvel fanfic #tony stark imagine #series: autonomy #ocfairygodmother #fyeahsuperverseocs

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itsalvin-space · 1 year

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I go by the name Alvin Remington, and you may call me Alvin for short. But you also can give me any nickname that you think is suitable for me as long as it's not offensive; I'm okay with that.

I'm a combination of Scorpio and ISTP. I don't know how you will look at me with those two aspects of my personality. This account will fully show you my internet persona, so I will only show you what I allow you to see. Oh, I go by HE/HIM as my pronoun, and I'm already at my legal age. I'm not going to tell you my exact age, but it is definitely 25+. Saying that just in case you will not know how to address me other than using my name

I have this one habit where I often delete my tweet after a few minutes or seconds of posting. I apologise in advance for that. I talk a lot too; I could tweet five times in a row, but there will be a time when I will become quiet as hell. This account will be mostly in English, but since I am a multilingual person, I don't mind using Bahasa or any other languages that I could understand for the conversation.

Please don't be intimidated by me, I'm not as scary as I seem (if you ever find me scary), and I'm a fun person at parties. You can claim me as your brother or father right away if you want to; I really don't mind that. I don't really like personal messages. Depending on what you DM'd me, if it's important or urgent, I will reply to you right away, but if it's not, you will receive a reply from me after a few days, but it'll be a different case for GDM. I like GDM because I can talk to everyone at once without having anyone feel left out.

My interest:

Film: I like Fast & Furious so much. I could binge watch the movie from season 1 to the most recent the whole week. Horror, thriller, gore? Those are my favourite genres. It's my guilty pleasure. Have you watched Hawaii Five-O? CSI? I like them so much. I grew up with the mentioned series, fyi.

Music: I listen to any kind of music, but when my mood or my mental state are not doing well, I will listen to heavy metal. Preferably, the old ones while reminiscing about my high school years with it as we speak.

Others: I read books. I have eight on my list that I wish to finish as soon as possible if I could. I play mobile games too, mostly Mobile Legend.

DNF

Please do not follow me if you are a minor. It's not that I'm not comfortable with you guys, but due to my lack of filter words, please don't follow me. If you like to throw hate on people out of nowhere and always initiate any ugly opinion, be it about a person or religion, please stay away from me. I don't want to tolerate rude people. I am sarcastic, but being rude is not how I want to live.

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what-if-nct · 2 years

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Is it just me or… I don’t really like the newer kpop groups?

Like yeah I do really like txt, xdinary heroes, stray kids, etc but they just don’t hit like they used to anymore ;(

Bruh if I actually get off kpop, I mean I wouldn’t be surprised since there’s kpop idols that are starting to become my age and it’s like eww I don’t like seeing kpop idols my age thriving in popularity whilst I feel like I’ve done nothing over the past 18 years. Ni-ki made me feel like it the WORSE like ughhhhhhh I hate this guy so much he’s the reason why I always think that I’m not doing enough. Yes I know I did get to see Jonghyun when I was about 8, but HE GOT TO BE A BACKUP DANCER AS WELL AS MEETING THEM AS WELL AS BEING A KPOP IDOL like fuck off stop showing this 16 year old kid in my screen I wish it was the 2nd to early 3rd gen again where all the idols are wayyyy older than me and it didn’t feel so awkward anymore

Sorry about my vent lol 😭😭😭

No, no I understand what you mean, like there's the main groups I stan like exo,nct,stray kids and txt but other than like listening to one song here and there I just can't really get into a lot of newer groups. OnlyOneof and P1Harmony, I probably check them out the most without getting too deep into them. Though to be fair Like Taemin and I are the same age and Block B, Teen Top, B1A4, BAP, EXO and BTS are all in the same age range as me. So I had this experience of growing up along side them which is honestly bitter sweet cause like you see them achieve these amazing mile stones while I just kind of am here getting chemical burns from hair developer and watching bad girls club at three in the morning. I think they should just debut more full adults, I love when people over 20 debut, like yeah I want a man band not a boy band. Hell when I was like 16, I loved man bands like TVXQ and JYJ, like is a teenage boy going to give us Tarantallegra by Junsu? Absolutely not. Like more grown ups please. Especially girl groups! Like no, no I will not accept 14, 15, 16 year old girls being thrown into this life absolutely not. a 25 year old woman who can stand up for herself of course but a little girl? No, she has to go back to school. Also where is the darkness!! Where is these groups goth or emo phase! The smoke, the metallics, the dancing in dark dirty allies, the flavor!

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lucysweatslove · 2 years

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I’m gonna be talking about weight, body image, disordered eating, health and medical anxiety, generally triggering things so I’m putting it under a read more. It’s really just a ramble and nothing worth reading- a brain dump for me more than anything else. For those who don’t want to read more but want to just know- I’m doing okay but life has had other plans and I may have something actually wrong health-wise which has been triggering for me.

So, way back in 2018 I gained like 30 lbs in 2 months (mid October to mid December). I was devastated. I had already gained 20-25 lbs or so during actual recovery from my disordered eating which I was doing on my own/without support, so I was really struggling. I was so ashamed of the weight gain and how I looked that I didn’t want to see my PCP (note: she was an NP, but that doesn’t impact what I think of her- I didn’t want to see her because of my own shame and thinking I should just be able to manage my weight on my own). So here I was sitting around 180-185 lbs and for the first time in my life actually obese, not sure how to cope. I was confused about how I could’ve gained that much so quickly- I didn’t buy Halloween candy that year, gained the weight before Christmas, and didn’t do thanksgiving festivities even. My eating habits hadn’t seemed to change, and there was no way I was suddenly that much less active. But still I blamed myself.

Not even a month later I started a new job and also decided I wanted to try to diet again because I hated my body’s new “fat” appearance. Except I was worried about calorie counting being triggering. I was newly married and planning our actual wedding, so while I wanted to be “shedding for the wedding” (VOMIT) I also didn’t want to go back to Hell aka rigid restrictive eating that would drive wedges in all of my relationships. I tried going back to the gym and eating a lot of chicken breast and veggies, thinking if I restricted TYPES of food I would be fine. LOL NOPE. I tried keto thinking it would be a way to not fixate on calories… this was unsustainable because I just didn’t have enough options and I LOVE LOVE LOVE fruit. Each attempt at whatever I did was met with initial weight loss and then extreme hunger, a big trip, some outing, my actual wedding, which would kick me out of that mindset and I’d gain it all back. At one point I thought it was my antidepressant (since it made it hard to care about anything), so I went off of that, had a bad reaction to another one, and then essentially didn’t have a medication for months. Including on my wedding.

By the end of 2019 I was essentially that same 180ish lbs, and I had decided I needed to “get my life back.” I got on a new antidepressant shortly after an illness, and I realized I was sitting on my hands waiting for somebody to give me permission to apply to med school. So I decided to face my insecurity regarding my “downward trend” (due to health reasons) in undergrad by… going to grad school. I applied in early 2020. I started to go back to the gym, count calories, I really thought it would be fine since I didn’t have fear foods anymore and felt “basically recovered.” Like, calories were the less extreme option because it gave room for me to eat all the foods I love.

And then I started getting back spasms, and the fevers started, and I started and graduated grad school, and then my husband needed new hips, and I got a new job, and littered in all of that were attempts to just mindfully eat more produce and love my body more. At one point in grad school, I admit to buying really low calorie dehydrated food packs to “make the most of my winter break” but it was absolutely MISERABLE to eat those and it got super cold and I just said nope, not going back. Throughout that time, I just thought that I was fat now, and that’s all anybody would see. I honestly doubted that my disordered eating was ever problematic MULTIPLE times because… I’m fat now? That’s literally it, that’s the whole reason I started to invalidate my own experience. School and work and health issues had really decreased my activity and focus on health and nutrition, I felt awful in my body physically, and I had no idea how to make any kind of actual healthy change because up until this point, and even at this point, I only knew “health and wellness” in two contexts: disease process and medicine, and dieting and exercise for “weight control.” Nobody I knew actually ate balanced diets if they weren’t actively trying to become or stay thin- it wasn’t “normal” or “natural.” Exercise? Same story except for actual athletes, but even those that I knew talked about weight control all the time.

Fast forward to 2022. I came into the new year feeling like I needed to make a change because of how I felt, but my husband and I were in counseling and I knew a major sticky point for us was my lack of going to med school. I think my desire to “make a change” was in large part about control because I didn’t feel like I had control over med school. I was CONVINCED in my mind that me being fat now made me a lesser candidate. I might get an interview, but I’d be judged on how fat I was and would instantly have a bias over me. I was tempted- truly- to drop to 800-900 calories a day with 2-3 hours of exercise and try to shed weight quickly. But I kept up searching for body positive and HAES content. I reminded myself of all I spoke on in my sports nutrition class- health has far less to do with our weight and size than our habits. At this point, I felt really good about body positivity. I made my focus on activities I love doing, getting good MICROnutrients (no deficiencies here), etc. This is when I “came back” to tumblr in early 2022.

I then started to feel the same way I did before- it was, once again, becoming a bit of an obsession, and my body was fatiguing. My heart quite literally felt off, and I was dizzy all the time. I thought maybe with everything, I was taking in too much potassium and a higher activity level. I gave my body time to rest and… I just stopped doing the things. Work got busy. I signed up to retake the MCATs. I got COVID.

Honestly at the end of Covid I was back to around 175lbs. I was feeling okay about that- it’s still “fat” but I was happy to be feeling healthier and I could FINALLY start studying. After my first COVID day where I had an episode of intense muscle pain where I could not move, I was totally fine with my weight. While I was starting to study, though, I noticed my blood pressure was low and I was still feeling kinda meh. I was hardly hungry, and my bathroom habits changed. I wasn’t too upset with this, since it meant I could study for longer at a time without getting distracted by bathroom trips, and I figured my high stress levels were playing a role by essentially halting that “rest and digest” I should’ve been in for way too long.

After I finished the test, my stress seemed to reduce, but my heath stuff didn’t. I had a week off work and decided I wanted to start hiking again, see waterfalls, etc. And so I did. While I loved it, I kept feeling really dizzy all the time. I focused on getting more salt in my diet and making sure I was eating some carbs before and after the trial. My appetite improved, but my GI tract still felt sluggish. Often, I would feel actually hungry, but I’d also feel like my stomach was way too full. My reflux was really bad at this time, and that also made my nasal issues worse. My sleep suffered a ton, and I would spent 11 hours in bed because it would take me 3 just to fall asleep. I also noticed my lower stomach had fresh new red stretch marks.

At this point now, now only can I barely breathe out my nose most of the time, but my nose is bleeding often (just slight, small bleeds- no dripping really). I’ve tried PPIs and H2 agonists to help with the reflux. Honestly, as gross as this sounds, the only thing that helps is actually going to the bathroom? But usually when I go, it doesn’t all feel “out.” I’ve taken two laxative doses in the past couple of months to get some longer lasting relief. I visited my sister for a week (got back a week ago), and while down there, I realized my shorts that I bought to fit me last summer felt tight in the tummy. I thought it must be constipation or something similar, or heat edema, but it still was not fun to feel that “fat.” Also, I realized my 34G bras were getting tight, even on the band size, so that was extra weird. Even my sports bras weren’t fitting right. Usually a band in a L is too loose but I put up with it to fit my breasts, but between July to now, the bands starting getting tighter. Which means gain.

I weighed myself this morning at 195.8 lbs. literally the heaviest I have ever been. Up 20 lbs in the 2 months post-COVID, and that’s with me hiking more AND I started physical therapy for my back. Husband was confused and said something seemed wrong- because that’s a lot of weight to gain and he hasn’t seen me eat THAT much. He encouraged me to talk to my doctor, but I’m still convinced all they will say is that CLEARLY I’m lying about my intake and tell me to track calories and try to lose weight.

I’m also going to a water park this weekend, so I tried on my bathing suits, and none fit in a way I’d be comfortable with. A couple bottoms fit, but I realized all my tops didn’t- none of them have cups big enough to cover up my nipples in a secure enough manner, so I’d be constantly worried about “wardrobe malfunctions.”

I’m having kind of a hard time with all of this, but I’m trying right now to make sure I have clothes that fit my current body first. My mantra rn is “I deserve clothes that fit my body right now.” So I bought a size up in the shorts I bought last summer- I hope that will work. I also ordered 6 new tops in bra sizes, instead of the normal S/M/L/XL sizes, because I need them to actually fit. I got 3 tops in 2 different sizes after measuring- 36 bands and, because I’m kind of worried about how that will fit since there aren’t the 3 rows of hooks and too tight is far more noticeable than too loose, 38 bands too, just in case. I’m just praying that one size will fit me, and then I’ll return the ones in the other size since they were expensive.

Other than the new clothes for the water park, I feel a bit at a loss. On one hand I physically feel somewhat unwell quite often, and I’ve ran through the lists of potential culprits from anything from something as benign as stress to something as serious as a Cushing’s syndrome (such as from an ACTH-releasing tumor). Part of me is also terrified I may have diabetes now, even though I’ve never had any signs of pre-diabetes before now, but I’m thinking possible PCOS which can lead to insulin resistance. The obvious answer is “talk to my PCP,” and in general my PCP now is great, but I have an appointment in October and really don’t want to have any “preventable” disease and I feel like I need to be “doing all the right things” prior to seeing her anyway. And I’m scared, too, that when she suggests things like dieting, I will just burst into tears because the idea of what that means is… I guess invalidating to me.

Here’s the reality: finding yourself obese after eating disorder recovery is tricky enough as is. If I bring up the fact that I have struggled with my relationship with food and exercise, people automatically assume that I binge eat and just DON’T exercise/have never had the “discipline” to make myself exercise even if I don’t like it. They treat me like a liar when I clarify. When I bring up the couple periods of rapid weight gain with people who know and understand my history, I’m still told that I probably just didn’t realize how much I ate because I wasn’t actively tracking my calories and weighing my food. I’m constantly told maybe I just don’t have the willpower or discipline other people have, and I need to cultivate that, but that’s not a problem- the problem is I will take that “willpower” or “discipline” to a level that leaves me and the people around me absolutely miserable.

When I was thinner- “healthy weight” with a BMI around 21- nobody said those things to me. My mom not included (as she will find some way to criticize my appearance), I was never told my heath problems were BECAUSE of my body, or that if I gained 5 lbs over a couple weeks it was because of my eating habits (“oh I’m sure it’s just water weight from extra salt”) and that I was CLEARLY lying about my intake. And I was never told I needed to go on a very low calorie diet and exercise more if I complained about constipation.

Idk I feel like I have to do so much more for people to even consider that something might be wrong with my health other than being fat, and often what I have to do is really psychologically damaging, and nobody wants to admit that.

#lucy rambles #trigger warning #calories #weight #obesity #bias #eating disorder #btw no I’m not pregnant I’m literally bleeding right now #also I am on bc to regulate heavy periods and my husband has had a vasectomy

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moonlight-drawn-by-dawn · 2 years

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4, 10, 17, 19, 21, 25, 27, 32, 35, 36

😘 you!!! Excited to read your answers!

4. Ohhh, to be honest at this very moment I'm not sure if I have any particular word 😅 I know that slurs (especially racial of any kind) tend to make me uncomfortable, even when my own characters use them. It's unfortunate how those terms have been used in past context and modern as well. Other than that...I think maybe the words bubbles or balloon? 😅 So odd I know but the way I think of it is imagining a guy saying those words and it seems icky, which is sad because I like both those things :/.

10. Yes, in terms of someone else's writing and my own. So there have been several types of Reylo fics that haunt me, like those involving "family love" in a heinous way, or ones where Rey is a minor (like younger than 16 young) and Kylo is a middle aged man. I run from those really quickly. There was also a novel series created by an author that's notorious for its writing subject and being really bad, and the author paying their friends to write good reviews 😬😬 won't say the name of it, but I remember trying to read it when I was younger and it being so disgusting I stopped, but it still haunts me whenever I think about it 🥲

In terms of my own fiction, there are some stories I'm not happy with that I try to not see the light of day (at least on my current platforms😅) I will admit that I do have a big fic I'm not happy with (my biggest Reylo story) but because readers fo enjoy it, I do update it (not too often, but I try lol)

17. Alright so this one I'll have to make a separate post about 😅 there's just TOO MUCH to say lmaoo

19. Oh gosh this is a good question!! I think my writing journey began when I was a little kid who was lonely and had to rely on my imagination. I would create worlds in my head that I can still remember now lol. It was always fun, and a good way to distract me from the reality of life and my loneliness. It helped me when I was bullied in school often, and when I was at home and things just weren't the greatest. The first story I wrote on paper was when I was 8 years old. It was when I watched a movie called Magic Gift of the Snowman (and boy that's one hell of a ride lmaooo) and I remembered wanting to write about a Princess whose smile was stolen by a bad man. I even remember her name!! Her name was Princess June.

My mom discouraged me from writing tho at that point. And it was around that time I really hated English overall. I was more of a math and science person at that time (what a joke cause I hate both subject now xD) but I found my love again when I was eleven. It didn't feel like a chore as much anymore to read stories (and boy was it 🥲) but I didn't get back into the full groove of writing again till I was 12. I've had many ups and downs with writing in terms of inspiration and mental health. The bullying never really stopped, but I would go into the depths of my imagination to help me to survive. When I wasn't writing, I was doing art of sinking myself into music and movies lol, so I've dabbled a bit into everything.

Naturally, there are bumps with anything we pursue to do. For me, it was in the numbers. I honestly wanted people to read my stories and love them! I wanted to know I was writing and did a swell job at it. It's still something I struggle with now still because of my confidence and view of self, but at least now I don't allow anything to stop me (unless it's life threatening lmao). There was always the fight of writing out the harder or mundane parts of stories, and also the overall world of story building. I do have many story ideas, but not all make it to paper.

I actually still remember those I told about the stories and them getting me into trouble in the counselors office (and my parents finding out 🥲) it taught me a hard lesson about trusting people lmao

As of this moment, I wouldn't say I'm writing at my best potential, because I feel like we will always improve with time, but I do think I'm writing well enough that I could start publishing some of my works. I have at least 3 stories that could be published, but I honestly don't have the confidence. I'm working on it 😅 but I do know since I was a kid I've always wanted to write stories. My best story is yet to come, and I know I wouldn't be writing it until I get a bit older.

21. There were times I wanted to. When I thought I wasn't good enough. I remember when I first wrote Temptations I asked someone to review my story. Now, I knownthe story is not the next best thing since sliced bread (quite far from it lol) I didn't expect all the harsh things they had to say. Naturally, I did my best to take it like a champ and thanked them for the time they took to read my story, but I was crushed. At that time, I watched my grandmother die before my eyes (I saw her final breath, and it will never leave me), I lost some friends because one had a toxic boyfriend who tore the group apart, and I had my first heartbreak. I honestly thought this was what was going to make me feel a bit better about myself.

But nope 🥲

I did in fact stopped writing after that. There was maybe a snippet here and there, but nothing really came through. I was in mourning and severely depressed.

I only started again because of a competition, and while I didn't win, knowing I was able to advance in several rounds, and feeling the fervor of writing again, made me feel great. Since then, I haven't really stopped unless it was for a break. Even on my breaks I have several ideas that I flesh out, but I haven't allowed myself to stop fully since then. Instead, I learned to start using my grief as inspiration, and it's been the best thing that I started doing.

25. Hmm good question lmaoo I guess I can spear some facts :

Jenny is a big fan of Sleeping Beauty, Mary Poppins and Oliver and Company. (Nisha was supposed to be a big fan of Sleeping Beauty when I began to write the story in 2020, but I miscalculated the decades 🥲🥲🥲). But Eddy would always buy Jenny Sleeping Beauty related items as we have seen in the teen!Jenny au.

Tabitha's celebrity crushes were John Stamos and Ricky Martin (she had just as much memorabilia for Ricky as she did for Spice Girls). Her favorite movie would have been Benny and Joon.

Nisha had a collection of art pieces that she wants to release professionally. If she wasn't going down the path of a lawyer, then art would've been her best option. She often leans towards realism in her art, but she has a collection of animation as well inspired from her favorite creators such as Tex Avery and Walt Disney.

(Sorry I couldn't choose just one 😅😅)

27. Most stressful? Oh gosh, that's a toss up between Jenny Lee and Meera Singh. Both have suffered immensely in their stories (well all of them suffer in my stories, but these two suffer more than the rest). I wouldn't say they induce stress in terms of writing as it is thinking of where their stories would go. While I do have alot of hope for my other protagonists, Jenny and Meera's fates are relatively still unknown to me, and thinking of the lengths that their perpetrators can go, it causes alot of stress 😅

32. Ok, so this is cheating, but the line I'm choosing is from one of my favorite shows of all time, that was adapted from a novel series. In the first season of Poldark, Ross Poldark (our protagonist) has had a rough welcome back home from war. He has a scullery maid who later becomes his wife, Demelza, who decided one day to dress up in a dress she found in one of his chests. It's revealed to belong to his late mother, and he is none the pleased by it. After rebuking her for that, he goes to apologize and says, "It's been a hellish day, and I've not been myself."

I can't say why that stuck with me, but when I have a particularly bad day I go back to this line, and I think all of my characters end up thinking this too when they have their emotional outbursts. I tend to feel that way too when I know I'm not my normal self and I end up all alone and angry. It's an oddly comforting line I reflect on.

35. Well, I'm not even sure I do this, but one I don't always like is, "show not tell". I really do try my best to adhere to the rule, but I feel like I don't really do it, and I lowley hate it. I think it really depends on your writing style and how subtle you want to be. When I write, I tend to visualize everything in my mind like it's a movie, so I end up putting on paper just like that 😅😅

36. Yes it is very bad advice.

What I know is...loneliness. I believe one aspect all my characters face (protagonists and villains alike) is loneliness. It is the driving force for all the characters, and each handle it in different ways. I know what it feels like to go through many traumatic situations, whether it is racism, sexism, harrassment/stalking, etc.

I know sorrow and loss. It is a feeling that consumes me more than one should carry it.

But, I also know love, and the small joys in life. I know hope that buds in the bleakest of moments. I know the feeling of wanting to die so terribly, but somehow being saved every time.

I think in everyone of my characters, I see a inkling of myself. I see my characters as different pathways on handling the obstacles of life.

Thank you so much for the questions Liv 🥰 They really made me think lol

#asks #writing questions #original character #original story #original writing #madrugada #lullaby #killing me softly #temptations for the wallflower #sorry but i wrote alot 😅

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