I think more of my relationship with my mom just gradually took more and more hold of me even though it always did and i think being home all the time in covid, even though i was already alone on campus, just made me believe in her advice and pushing more and that shit was just fucked

hey sex witch,

is it normal to not be sure if you’re attracted to a partner? like i find them attractive and i love being around them and cuddling with them but i keep second guessing myself about whether i truly feel attraction. the fact that i’m wondering this at all makes me feel like the answer is no, but i don’t think i just want a friendship. advice?

okay, let's do this.

we all know that I don't really place much stock in "normal" here, but I do think that it's pretty dang normal to have concerns about your relationship and whether or not you're investing your time and energy in the right person. like, that's a moderately big life choice, right? totally understandable to have second thoughts about those. I'm absolutely in love with the house I'm moving into next week and I'm so excited to live there, but also I keep wondering like... what if, you know? it doesn't mean I don't like it or want to live there, it just means we evolved to have brains that are slightly too big and slightly too good at coming up with worst case scenarios.

having said that, the weight and flavor and context of your worries matter. are you asking yourself these questions because you're not sure how you personally define attraction and how this fits into it? or because something about this relationship feels wrong and uncomfortable in a way you can't explain and you're trying to find a valid way out? if it's latter, hey, listen - you're allowed to break up with people if the relationship is making you unhappy or uncomfortable. you don't even need a reason. being unhappy and uncomfortable IS the reason. to quote Oprah, because my mom raised me on Oprah like normal people's parents raise them on Jesus, "no" is a complete sentence.

but okay, let's say you're perfectly happy being in the relationship you're currently in with this person and you're just having some questions about whether or not what you're experiencing is attraction. well, it sounds like you're definitely some kind of attracted to them. people tend to use words like "relationship" and "attraction" solely in romantic/sexual contexts, which is stupid - you have some kind of relationship with literally every person you know, and attraction applies to platonic relationships as much as romantic/sexual ones. I, personally, am attracted to hanging out with artsy queers who like d&d and being menaces to society. everyone has a type.

so, let's review the facts of the case: you find this person attractive. that's cool, although not necessarily indicative one way or another - there are lots of people I find attractive but don't personally want to be dating. when I was an undergrad there was this blonde guy who dressed like a lesbian who I saw all the time while I was at work, and he was hot as hell in a rat kind of way but I definitely didn't want to date him or know anything about him, because he was a philosophy major and I don't hate myself enough to date a philosophy major.

but you also like being around them, which is a good sign. if you didn't, I'd already have told you to break up. and it sounds like you enjoy engaging in intimate behaviors with them, which is a good sign. and you said yourself that you don't want "just" (heavy air quotes, but we don't have time to unpack all of that right now) a friendship, which I assume means you don't want to have a relationship with this person that doesn't feature cuddling and whatever other intimate behaviors you take part in.

so, are you attracted to this person? I have no idea, I don't live in your head. but it definitely sounds like you're enjoying everything you have going on with them, which is really my only litmus test for a relationship.

listen. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. this is a big one, the rest of the sex witch coven will kill me if they find out I told you this. lean in close, okay?

relationships are messy. they're complicated. your feelings and needs will shift and change with time in ways that don't always make sense, and all you can really do is try to honor those feelings as best you can by trying to do what feels the best for you without worrying about how, exactly, that fits into neat little labels and boxes that may or may not even apply.

it's okay to open up a conversation with your partner about your feelings and the ways that they're complicated. it's good, even, and opening that dialogue could potentially help you both find new clarity and understanding of the relationship that exists between you and what both of you hope to get out of it. maybe you'll discover your needs are more similar than you ever imagined, maybe you'll find they're too different to reconcile, maybe you'll find a serendipitous compromise.

but you won't know unless you try.

bnha hcs with an artsy s/o [2/?]

part two of this series! i will continue with maybe 2 more sets of bnha characters, so if i don’t touch basis with one you really like, then don’t be afraid to send a request! i can also do pt. 2s or scenarios for these, if y’all want as well :)

note: your quirk will be the same all around, if implied you have one!

Quirk: AMBIENT ILLUSION - with a single touch of your hand or glance, you are able to make your opponent think that they’ve been taken to another “realm,” but in actuality their body movements mimic those in the illusion; it’s a quirk that can be used for good or for bad; your creativity isn’t limited, but the side effects are headaches, nausea, and sometimes insanity for a short period of time until your stamina runs out or unless someone knocks you out

Hero Name: Chiaroscuro or Chiasu [for short]- referring to the major contrast of light and dark in an image; in italian it is said to literally mean light-dark

enjoy :)

---

i. midoriya

> you both go way back to childhood years, but you moved away

> you two only reunited because you knew mirio and he told you about izuku

> “wait- does he have a broccoli like hair?” 

> nevertheless, izuku was ecstatic to reunite with you and vise versa

> he noticed the subtle changes to your appearance, such as your choice of clothing

> you talked a lot about your newfound love for art and aesthetics, he found it cute

> he told you about all might and his new quirk becuz something seemed off about him

> being quirkless, you make the most of being kind to people all around the world and to those you meet

> that’s one of the qualities that izuku likes a lot about you

> he isn’t really there after moving to the dorms, so you try to make the effort to come see him and that’s how the rest of his friends met you

> he feels bad you’re always spending time alone, while he was training really hard

> as an artist, you do get insecure, so losing deku to his dream was kinda a harsh reality check and you needed to find another outlet

> you worked at a nearby art teacher at the night painting sessions and you loved it

> gaining better critiques and learning about different potential styles made you so much more confident

> when izu saw you after long grueling training for the provisional license exam, he saw you were glowing with confidence and he was convinced he was going to one day marry you

---

k. bakugo

> he keeps you a hidden secret from the rest of his nosy friends. PERIODT.

> katsu is kinda embarrassed to admit he has a BIG soft spot for your artsy self

> you work at an art store and one day kirishima and kaminari decided to grab some materials for an art project that aizawa assigned

> you happened to be there helping out a flirty kaminari and an enthusiastic kirishima

> he was just kinda there...staring at you and your cute HANDMADE grenade earrings

> “you good bakugo?” -kirishima asked when they left

> “tch whatever.” 

>  he was forced to go BACK THE NEXT DAY because he broke some of the markers when he was getting riled up

> he ACTUALLY made a compliment to your flame earrings that day and you wrote your number on the back of his receipt

> fast-forward, he takes the time to escape the dorms during the weekends to see you

> his mom LOVES you to DEATH

> she knows you’re the one and pesters baku about marrying you NOW

> neway, you’ve made cute little charms for your boom boom boi as good luck

> BONUS: you have matching charms that he keeps in a display case in his dorm room in his desk drawer

---

s. todoroki

> since he’s fairly quiet, he never really mentions you, except to his sister or izuku

> he collects the scrapbook pages you put together in a safe scrapbook

> for once, his dad is actually proud of his son’s gf and as he proclaims “his-future wife”

> your quirk is something that his dad practically fangirls about

> your family doesn’t really like the idea of quirk marriages just because they value trust and love

> shouto loves that and so he can be seen coming over often on the weekends

> he admires all the art pieces you draw in your sketchbook that you carry around for your quirk

> the more details you can memorize of a scene, the more the victim becomes more entranced

> he admires the fact that you like making art not only for your hero courses, but because you value making others happy with your gift

---

d. kaminari

> den asks himself how and why he ended up with such a cute and gifted girl

> you like making him small gifts and art pieces because it brightens his day

> but you attend seiai academy, which you extremely dread

> but when it comes down to it, you aren’t one to associate yourself with saiko intelli, just because she’s kind of in over herself with her fancy teas

> you spend a lot of time drawing and such that you never really socialize with the other girls

> you only attend seiai because you had gotten a recommendation from your old art teacher, and suddenly...you feel out of place

> all the girls in seiai seem to be snotty rich girls with nothing else better to do other than gossip and drink leaf juice

> denki tries to make you feel better after talking about his day and then asking about yours, which you respond to as “the same old lonely dorm room day”

> he feels really bad and tries to make you happy

> the day of the sports festival, he invited you to attend a week before since it was a really big deal coming from class 1-A

> you met his friends and eraserhead at the provisional license tournament, which you had finished pretty quickly, considering how you broke away from your peers and kinda just went for some unlucky chump

> eraserhead was impressed oop-

> anyway, when you saw their performance, you got literal chills and was pretty jealous of denki, you made some excuse to go home

> you ended up crying by yourself, but that crying sess ended when you found den at your dorm room, hugging the daylights out of you

> “i have a suggestion for you...how about you ditch these rich girls and come eat the rich with the rest of us at U.A.?”

---

f. tokoyami

> edgy boi + soft aesthetic s/o = b a l a n c e

> fumi isn’t one to outwardly express himself in the love dept, so how he ended up with you was simply being classmates

> being a transfer from shiketsu high school was probably the most nerve wrecking

> after everyone had gotten their provisional license, your dad came back from overseas and didn’t like that you weren’t at U.A., so...yea

> ANYWAY, fumi is soft edgy boi for you, and really admires your pieces

> he gives you ideas for some dark pieces that could help you spook more people 

> fumi does little thoughtful things to help you through commission surges like bringing you flowers, snacks and dinner

> when you moved into the dorms, the rest of class 1-A had convinced you to let them into your room, which consisted of a lot of ORGANIZED art supplies and...PETS????

> apparently you had gotten permission from aizawa to bring some of your pets to the dorms, such as a cat, a puppy and a couple of birds

> “i couldn’t possibly come up with my pieces without having them”

> **cue cuteness overload**

> class 1-A didn’t pick up on your relationship with him and when they did, they were like......!!!!

> it was all thanks to your polaroid and printed photos of all your friends and some of your dates with fumi

---

e. kirishima

> you met during one of his patrols with fatgum and tamaki

> fatgum recognized you as you frequently came from seiai to visit, since fatgum was your relative

> kiri was curious about you since you go to seiai, an all girls academy

> fatgum had taken you along with his two interns to patrol and let me say kiri began simping after seeing you in action

> as a prep girl, you spend quite some time in the art room for your quirk

> having been prepared, it wasn’t any big deal to have you take down the bad guy within mere 15 minutes

> you were close with tamaki, but even closer with kiri

> at one point, you both started dating and you met his friends when you came from seiai to drop off some food you made for him

> “you go WHERE???” -denki

> lemme say that a lot of class 1-A was skeptical of you, but kiri convinced them that you meant no harm and was just visiting him

> “it’s okay, kiri! i’m sorry to intrude! i’ll be heading out now!”

> **cue dejected kiri for the rest of the week**

> his classmates felt bad seeing him in such a downer state, and apologized to him

> “nah, it’s okay...i was kinda hoping you guys would like her too and i’m sorry i’ve been down lately...so not manly.”

> but they learnt that kiri’s gf had been getting bullied for dating someone from U.A. and they had to go and make it worse

> “kirishima?” -mina

> “oh hey, what’s up?”

> “how’s s/o?” -denki

> “do you think that s/o would want to come to U.A.?” -midoriya blurted out

> mission: get s/o to attend U.A.

---

SORRY SOME OF THESE ARE LONG! I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF AOAFNOANF

I just watched the Netflix show You and it's been discussed but I don't really understand - in a relationship, how does one project their own views and fantasies onto another person? How can you tell if it's happening? Is there a certain point where it's normal or it can't be helped? It's happened a lot in the show but I'm having trouble identifying it. Also, I recommend watching You: it's a thoughtful take on how we view romantic relationships as a society and how that can be twisted

I absolutely love that show.  For those of you who haven’t seen the thriller show “You”, it’s about a charismatic but underachieving man named Joe who works as the manager at a bookstore in Manhattan. He meets a young grad student named Beck when she comes into his bookstore one afternoon, and is immediately infatuated with her; he is completely consumed by his desire for a relationship with her, and it becomes clear very quickly that he’s willing to go to extreme lengths to make it happen.  (Mild spoilers for Season One ahead) Joe is obsessed with Beck from the moment he lays eyes on her. But of course, he’s not really obsessed with her - he is obsessed with the person that he wants her to be. He decides - based only on her clothes, the book she buys and a three-minute conversation with her - that she’s a bookish “good girl” and an intellectual, a serious writer who values real literature and doesn’t crave men’s attention. And he’s very interested in that. She’s his Manic Pixie Dream Grad Student, whether she likes it or not. It’s clear from the very beginning that Joe thinks extremely highly of himself, and he feels entitled to a woman who is just as intelligent and sophisticated as he is - when he looks at Beck, he decides that she’s that perfect girl he’s been waiting for all along. Moreover, he decides that she’s equally interested in him - she pays for her book with a credit card, and Joe decides that she did that because she intentionally wanted Joe to learn her full name. And of course, as Joe learns more about Beck, he discovers that she’s not the artsy, aloof writer he had been envisioning in his head. She goes out drinking with friends that Joe dislikes, she has a trashy boyfriend, she posts selfies on Instagram, and doesn’t actually do any writing. But instead of deciding “oh wow, I was super wrong about this girl, I definitely got carried away”, Joe decides that the REAL Beck is the girl he fantasized about in the bookstore, and that she just needs his help to realize it. He decides that he knows what’s best for a woman who is a complete stranger to him, deliberately manipulating her life to turn her into more of the person he wants her to be, until... well, you know how it ends. 

When you first start watching You, it can be hard to understand how messed-up Joe actually is. He is the main character of the show, and the narrator. He is also capable of great kindness - he genuinely cares for the neglected child who lives in an abusive household next door - and it kinda feels like we’re supposed to root for him. After all, he just wants what’s best for Beck. He sees who she really is inside, and he knows that she deserves better than the life she has right now. He just wants her to reach her full potential and stop wasting time with people who don’t really care about her... what could be so bad about that?

The problem, of course, is that Joe doesn’t know jack shit about Beck, and he has no right to decide what is and isn’t good for her. She is a grown-ass woman, and he is a stranger she met at a bookstore. Joe claims to have good intentions, but his intentions aren’t the point here - nobody has the right to meddle in someone else’s life behind their back, no matter how much they love and care about them. When you truly care about someone, you respect their choices - Joe has absolutely no respect for the decisions Beck makes, and sees no issues with isolating, stalking and terrorizing her if it gets him what he wants. Joe claims that Beck is miserable, but we don’t know actually know that - he filters everything he sees through a very thick lens of his own self-interest. He doesn’t allow her basic autonomy to choose what matters to her. Beck is not actually a real person to Joe - she is a prize that he wants to win.

Think about the show from Beck’s perspective - you’re an adult, with your own whole, complete life. You have friends, dreams, a boyfriend, guilty pleasures. You make bad choices sometimes, sure, but they are YOUR choices, and you have the freedom to make them. And then you walk into a shop one day and the man behind the counter suddenly decides that you’re his soulmate and it’s now his job to make decisions for you. You barely know this guy, but he thinks he has the right to control your life - he wants to control who you date, who you talk to, and how you spend your time. Imagine doing something as ordinary as paying for a book with your credit card, and having the person behind the counter interpret this as evidence that you want them to Google you and come to your house. The very idea of it is terrifying. 

The plot of You is obviously a huge dramatization, but the same dynamic does appear in real-life abusive relationships. Abusers often have very specific ideas about what their ideal partner should be like, and they believe - consciously or unconsciously - that they are “owed” this person. When they meet someone, they tend to decide extremely quickly that THIS is finally the person they’ve been waiting for all along. They don’t really feel the need to get to know the person as an individual - they assume that they already know everything they need to know about the person, and that the relationship will be effortless. When that inevitably doesn’t pan out because their partner is a real person with needs and flaws, they get angry and the abuse starts to come out - they try harder and harder to control their partner and force them back into being the perfect person they’d envisioned, and they lash out angrily when that doesn’t work. 

Although it’s nowhere near as extreme as what happened in You, I’ve had my own experiences with dating someone who was projecting their fantasies on me. My long-term college boyfriend was several years older than me, and already finished with grad school while I was still an undergrad. As the relationship went on, it became very clear that he was looking for a meek, nerdy girl who would appreciate his geek interests but never try to overshadow him. He strongly encouraged me to do the nerdy thing he approved of - cosplaying, attending conventions, playing D&D - but didn’t want me wearing makeup (I wear winged liner every day of my life), dyeing my hair strange colours (which I used to do quite often as a student) or even wearing my contact lenses instead of glasses (I got contacts the moment I was old enough and haven’t been seen in my glasses since). He was hugely threatened by the fact that I took my academics seriously, and he freaked out when I was accepted to an Ivy League grad school because “it would be so humiliating to have a girlfriend who went to a better school than I did”. He had a very specific vision of the kind of girlfriend he wanted to have, and he was prepared to try to stamp out the parts of me that didn’t align with what he wanted.  It’s okay to have standards and expectations for the kind of partner you want to have. That’s normal. I’d argue that it’s necessary. Speaking from personal experience, life is a lot easier when you expect your partners to have mastered basic communication and coping skills. And sometimes you will need to look for a partner who has very specific traits - if your dream is to have 12 children and live on a goat farm, you need to find a partner who is on board with that goal. It’s also fine to have preferences in terms of aesthetics, interests and lifestyles - we’re always going to have certain things that we find appealing, and it’s okay to be into that. What’s not okay is to have such rigid expectations about how our future partner will look, dress and behave that we can’t cope with not getting our exact fantasy. It’s fine to think that dating a quirky art major with a nose ring would be awesome. It’s not fine to think that dating a quirky art major with a nose ring is the answer to all your problems. And it’s definitely not fine to latch on to the first quirky art major with a nose ring that you can find, and then punish them when they turn out to be a complex human with real issues and not just a living doll. Whenever you’re dating, it’s important to remember that you are dating a real, live human, and not a cartoon character. They are going to grow and change, and they are going to have flaws, off-days and traits that don’t match up with your fantasies. Your punky goth girlfriend is going to have days where she just wants to lounge around the house in her pajamas and watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Your tough, manly lumberjack boyfriend might have a super sensitive gag reflex and spend an awful lot of time on the phone with his mom. We’re all weird, and each of us needs to have the freedom to be our own kind of weird in a relationship - if you find that your desire to be with someone is extremely dependent on their appearance, dress, weight, hobbies, friends, job, etc, and you can’t handle not having control over those things, you aren’t ready to date.  The other big red flag to look for here is how fast someone rushes the relationship. If you’re projecting your fantasies on someone, you don’t really feel much need to get to know them - like Joe, you’re pretty sure that you know everything that you need to know about them soon after meeting. You are fully expecting this person to be the fantasy partner you desire, and so there’s no point waiting to see how the relationship goes - within weeks, you’re ready to move in together, adopt a pet together, and even get engaged. If you’re convinced that a person you met three weeks ago is your soulmate, it’s time to stop and take a hard look at things - you don’t know a person you meet three weeks ago, and you have no idea if they’re your soulmate or not. You are trying to date a fantasy and not a real person.  Hope this answers your question! MM

918

Have a friends survey, because I’m really missing mine.

-- List 8 Friends of Either Gender --

1. Andrew 2. Jo 3. Aya 4. Gabie 5. Hannah 6. Angela 7. Laurice 8. Aliyah

Questions About These Friends

Does number 4 have a driver’s license? Yeah. I’m pretty sure we were part of the first few people in our high school batch who learned how to drive and get our licenses.

Can number 7 speak another language? Well yeah, she can speak Filipino. Everyone on the list can at least speak Filipino.

Does 2 know your parents well? Not so much. She knows the basic stuff about my parents that I tell everyone, like how my dad works abroad.

Have 3 and 5 been in the same room together? Multiple times, until Aya graduated. All three of us were in the same applicant batch in our org so we spent a loooot of time together.

Does 1 have similar music tastes to you? Broadly, yeah. I know we both like R&B and hip-hop but he’s faaaar more passionate about the genre and he’s a lot better at picking out artists and songs.

Has 6 ever stayed at your house? She’s visited a handful of times, but I prefer going to her house instead. I don’t really have a lot to offer here whereas we never run out of things to do at her place.

When did 3 last text you? If we are talking of strictly texts, November 2018. Aya was never a good replier on text lol. But my last notification of her in general was at 4 AM today, when she sent a meme to our friends’ group chat.

Does 5 have any pets? If so, what do they have? Nope. WELP I don’t know actually. She lives all the way in Bacolod so her home life doesn’t get raised much. I know she loves dogs though.

Does 7 live in the same town/city as you? Nah, she’s a south baby through and through.

Have you ever lent something important to 8? I’ve never even met her yet. We keep planning to especially since she works in Metro Manila now, but our schedules just never work out.

Can number 1 sing well? Yes. He’s done a lot of singing gigs and as far as I know he even put out an EP at one point. He has a sick stage name too.

Does 2 have any siblings? Nah, she’s an only child.

If 4 called you at 2 AM, what would your reaction be? Take it and assume she has trouble falling asleep.

Who is 8′s best friend? I’m not sure; I don’t know her all that well. I would assume it’s someone all the way in Mindanao, since that’s where she grew up and went to school and her whole life is there - she really only moved to Metro Manila for work. That’s why I feel for her sometimes and keep offering to meet up, so she can feel less lonely.

Does 6 have a favourite tv show? If so, what is it? She loooves watching TV series but I never knew what her favorite is. Good question, I’ll have to ask her this soon.

Who out of 5 and 7 knows you the best? I say they both know me on the same level but I think Laurice does slightly more. We’ve had deeper conversations, so it’s a safe guess.

Does 4 have a boyfriend/girlfriend? You are reading her answers right now. ;)

Does 2 have a career/knows what they want to be? Yes, she’s always wanted to be a journalist. She’s entering her senior year now and I’m really proud and super impressed with her for being able to keep up such a demanding, brutal passion; I was burned out from journ by freshman year. She even helps run a fact-checking website now :) It had just been a requirement in her class to come up with a fact-checking website but theirs got SO successful, racked up some awards, and now it’s still going.

Have you ever kissed 1? No. He’s like a brother to me and that just sounds like the weirdest scenario.

Does 3 have or want children? Yes. I know she wanted them when she was with Jo, but I’m not sure if she’s changed her mind lately.

Does 6 have any piercings or tattoos? Yep, on her ears.

Do your parents know 8? No. She’s an internet friend, so I never get to raise it in conversations. And I doubt they’ll be happy if they found out I made a friend on the interwebs anyway.

Which Number...

Have you had romantic feelings for? 4.

Have you told a secret to? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8. I’m pretty open with my secrets, as dumb as that sounds lol

Have you shared a bed with? 2, 3, 4, 6, 7.

Have you watched a movie with? I remember watching The Devil Wears Prada with 2 and 3. I’ve watched several movies with 4.

Have you seen cry? 2, 3, 4, 6.

Have seen you cry? 1, 4, 5. 5 hasn’t seen me cry but she has definitely heard me.

Have cooked you something? 6 and 7 :) They’re also the biggest mom friends on the list, so I’m not surprised.

Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? 1, 4, 6. I’m not sure if 2 and 3 are still together; we never get to update each other anymore. Have met your parents? 2, 3, 7 from a meeting we once held at my house. And 4 and 6, of course - they’re my mom’s favorites.

Have been to the same school/college as you? Everyone except 8.

About Number One What age are they? He turned 22 in June.

Have you met their parents? Never. He can’t give less of a shit about his dad so I don’t care for him, though. I know he’s super protective of his mom.

Have you ever been in a relationship with them? Not at all. He wouldn’t be my type, and like I said he’s a brother to me more than anything else.

Do they like most of your other friends? We mostly have mutual friends, so. I know he likes my best frieinds though - he was even the one who reminded me about putting Angela on my thesis acknowledgments.

How often do you two meet up and/or talk? Back in school we used to see each other around 1-2 days a week. He’s a little busier than I am since he takes side gigs, so he’s not in campus all the time.

When did you last argue? We’ve never fought but the last time I got quite upset with him was last December. We were rushing to get our thesis draft submitted on time and apparently he submitted the file to our professor’s VIBER. He for sure got an earful from me that day.

What is their favourite food? I’m not sure. He does tend to have unpopular food opinions so I wouldn’t be surprised if his favorite is not a common choice.

Where is their favourite place to be? On the basketball court or anywhere with Leigh, I’m guessing.

How many close friends do they have? I know of at least two - JM and Blanch. He is friendly and has an extensive circle though, so I’m sure I’m missing several other close friends of his.

Number Two What colour are their eyes? Dark brown.

Have they known you the longest? Not at all. I’ve only known her for three years.

Where were they born? I’m guessing it would either be Manila or Makati.

Why are they your number 2? She just fell on the second slot. I was trying to randomize my friends’ names and hers just turned out to be the second one I thought of.

Do they like children? I don’t know how she feels about them exactly but one thing I know is that she doesn’t hate kids, and we’ve had numerous conversations on what we’d do in certain scenarios involving kids. 

Would they beat you in a race? I think so. But then again I did track at one point, so I’m walking onto that contest already with an advantage.

When did you last spend time alone together? Ugh c’mon man, this question is just sad. Jo had been hanging out at Skywalk less and less ever since most of the people in our friend group graduated last school year, so our last real hangout was probably that time we slept over at Laurice’s in June 2019. We never hung out a lot after that, and of course the lockdown just killed any chances we had of doing so.

Do they have a pet peeve? What is it? She has a lot of pet peeves but I can’t place any of them at the moment.

Number Three What is their hair colour? Black, as do most Filipinos.

What is their job, if they have one? Last I heard she got a gig with a major broadcasting network. I think she’s a segment producer? Segment researcher? Something of the sort.

Do they have their own place? I don’t think so; not just yet.

How many brothers or sisters do they have? I know she has a sister. I’ve forgotten if she has a brother.

Have you ever done something illegal with them? Yes hahaha illegal in university terms, at least. When we had free time and we saw that no one was using one of the classrooms in the college, our friend group snuck inside and played The Devil Wears Prada on the projector. As the only goody-two-shoes in the group I was super uneasy the whole time, but literally no faculty or staff checked in on us for the entire film. That was the moment I knew I was no longer in private school, where everyone watched you like a hawk lol.

How old were you when you met each other? I was 19, she was 21.

Are they more sporty, arty or academic? ARTSY. She’s one of the best artists I’ve ever seen and she can absolutely fucking slay any editorial cartoon.

Have you ever travelled out of country with this person? Nope. I would love to.

Person Four Do they have a favourite musician? St. Vincent’s been her fave for the longest time.

Have you drank alcohol with this person? Many times. When I drink she’s usually around.

Are their parents together? Yes.

What do you enjoy doing with them? EATING OUT!!! I also love going to new places and museum strolling with her, but yeah nothing works for me better than food with my favorite person.

When is their birthday? June 5th.

Do they have long or short hair? Long.

Have you been to a concert with this person? Yes, when we went to (illegally) see Coldplay from the top of a parking lot. Still felt like we were part of the concert grounds though.

If you asked them to describe you, what do you think they would say? Determined, hates to lose, and annoyingly generous.

Person Five Where did you two meet? I met Hannah on our enrollment day for our sophomore year in college. She and Macy had transferred from UPLB to UPD and since Macy and I were already friends from high school, she introduced me to Hannah. Then we became a lot closer when it turned out we were both applying for the same org.

How long ago did they phone you? We both hate phone calls and we’d hate to call/be called.

Do they have a certain sport they play? I don’t think she’s very athletic herself, but she loves watching UAAP games and she has a particular affinity for volleyball.

What about them annoys you sometimes? I never found her annoying. I did notice that her one weakness as a co-worker is her fear of being assertive, putting her foot down, being confident to come up with her own steps on how to come up with steps towards a situation, that kind of stuff. She often wanted someone who she felt like was more knowledgeable to be by her side and make all the decisions. But I did see her bloom a bit after a few months, so I’m proud of the progress.

Are they ruled by their head or their heart? Heart.

Are they male or female? Female.

In what ways are they the opposite of you? She’s religious and she loves to sing and perform.

How many rooms do they have in their house? No clue; I’ve never been to her house. I’ve never even been to her city.

Person Six Can they play an instrument? I think she knows *a bit* of guitar. But she’s not crazy gifted when it comes to musical instruments, I know that much.

Are they close with their mother? VERY. And she has no reason not to be - her mom is the nicest and most compassionate person I’ve ever met. Always treated me like family.

Do you know any of their siblings well? She’s an only child.

How many times have you visited their house? Countless, especially in high school and in our first few years in college.

When did you last go out to eat together? Feb. It was one of the food stalls at The Palace and we needed to eat away all the alcohol lol.

Do they own a bike? I haven’t seen one in her place so I’m assuming no. Her neighborhood is not very bike-friendly to begin with, so it’s understandable.

Do they have a sweet, sour or salty tooth? She has a...green tooth? Hahahaha she likes eating healthily.

What music genre do they listen to most? Pop, pop rock, indie, indie rock.

Person Seven Would you ever consider dating this person? Probably not. She’s SO stable and happy; I’m still working on it. I wouldn’t want to dump my shit on her vibrant and bubbly outlook on life.

Do they prefer cats or dogs? Dog, I think. I don’t know for sure though. 

Are they or do they plan to go to college? To study what? Yes, she’s in her senior year now. She’s also taking up journalism – it’s how we met.

If they did something illegal, what would it be? I highly doubt that would ever happen lmao, she’s super nice and such a goody-two-shoes. If she got caught doing something illegal it’s 100% only because she was with someone who did the thing.

Have you ever shared a sundae with this person? Maybe once or twice.

is their hair dyed or natural? It’s all black now, but at one point she dyed it light brown.

Is this person sarcastic? She can be, especially with people she’s close to.

Is this person more likely to party or sit in and read a book? SIT IN AND READ A BOOK. Literally the most accurate option.

Person Eight Have you ever lied to this person? I probably have. We’ve only ever talked on social media, where it’s a lot easier to tell a tiny lie and get away with it.

Do you know where this person was born? Somewhere in Davao I’m assuming.

Do you know their middle name and do they know yours? We know each others’ second names because have them put out on Facebook; but not our middle names.

Do they have any special talents? If she does, I don’t know about them. She’s amazing at writing though.

What is their starsign? Whatever star sign falls on the first half of December.

What is the first thing you notice about this person? Ever since the time she tweeted that she doesn’t like smiling with her teeth, her smile has always been the first thing I’m drawn to. 

Have you ever had a big row with this person? Never.

Do you like the same types of movies as this person? Not really. We met because she was friends with my friends who liked the same things she did, but when it comes to us we couldn’t really be any more different.

Random Stuff

Which of these friends would you say you are the closest to? Gabie, of course.

Can you remember all of their birthdays? I’ll give it a shot. June 22, December 31, December 5, June 5, January 16, September 15, May 23...and Aliyah’s is in early December, I’m certain.

Is there anything you regret saying to any of them? I guess only towards Gab, because I’m closest with her and we’ve been through the most together.

Which one of these has been there for you the most? Angela.

Which one have you known the longest and the shortest amount of time? I’ve been aware of Gabie the longest (18 years); been friends with Angela the longest (15 years); and been friends with Andrew the shortest (about a year and a half).

If you needed a laugh, you'd call... I wouldn’t call my friends if I needed help...but if I needed a laugh I’d turn to Anj or Andrew.

If you needed advice, you'd call... Mmm I’d pick among Andrew, Aya, Gabie, Angela, and Laurice.

Which one does your parents like the most? ANGELAAAAAAAA. She’s That friend that I can name-drop when I’m asking for permission to go out, and once my mom hears that she’s going to be with me she usually won’t hesitate to say yes haha.

Is there any of these your parents dislike? They don’t dislike any of them but I have a feeling they’ll disapprove of the fact that I made an online friend in Aliyah, especially my mom.

Do any of them share the same initials? Andrew and Aliyah do.

You can invite one with you for a once in a lifetime trip, which one? Angela.

Something you'd like to say to one of them: I miss you. That applies to everyone.

( sabrina carpenter. nineteen. she/her.  )   everything’s fine, MAYA HART-HUNTER,  you’re in the good place!  do you remember your last days in GIRL MEETS WORLD? but don’t worry, your  ( bay windows, perfectly messy hair, pencil sketches, subway stations, layered necklaces)  will fit perfectly with the rest of the good place, so long as you commit to the  UPBEAT OPTIMIST  despite your tendency to commit to  (a constant need to prove she isn’t broken)  that the architect of the good place said you were. it’ll just be like a fun acting exercise! just play along and everything will continue to be fun.

honestly the only one that’ll fully read this is me but i just rewatched all of gmw so here’s a few of maya’s defining quotes with some info tacked on ! (to sum it up: major daddy issues, minor mommy issues, craves stability, great artist, cares SO MUCH about her friends, deserves better !)

maya penelope hart-hunter, nineteen, crossning

“hi, i’m maya. you’re really cute. we should hang out sometime. you make me happy. you don’t pay enough attention to me. this isn’t working out, it’s you, not me. we can still be friends, not really.” 

maya is introduced as riley’s shawn, as her very best friend in this universe. she’s bold, fierce, rebellious, loud, and everything that riley isn’t. she wears lip gloss, she marches right up to cute boys on the subway, she is the night. she is dark and mysterious. 

“ i was a little girl, and i climbed through an open window because i heard singing. i was attracted to what i saw inside. it was someone safe…”

she and riley meet as small children when she wanders into her open window. her parents are fighting. they never seem to stop fighting. 

she never leaves riley’s side. it becomes a simple understanding that they are an extension of each other, no longer separate entities. her loyalty is a defining quality to her.  

“i do go outside, riley. i watch the light move during the day. and you know what happens at 5:30? you turn gold. everything is more beautiful at the beginning and the end of the day, and i want people to see that. i want to capture that. i didn't mean to believe in something.”

maya is an amazing artist. she can also sing, but she is partial to painting and sketching when she is at home. her favorite teachers are, as expected, her art teachers, and that is always the class she excels in. 

"when i was real young, i used to come to this park and look at this statue and wonder if i would ever have friends as good as these. that would hands with each other and smile. i used to wonder what it was they were so happy about. now i know.”

this just be a cute quote. her friends are the stars in her sky and she really would do anything for them if they need it, sacrificing herself over and over if it meant they could be spared for even a second longer. 

“i’m gonna get an education from him. and i’m gonna earn my own money. and someday i’m gonna have a good place with good walls and a good roof.” “and what are you gonna do for everybody else?” “everybody’s a lot of people. but if i could afford it, i would fix somebody else’s roof.” 

she understands not having a lot. maya has a hole in her wall and a leak in her roof. she takes care of things gifted to her because she knows the value they truly hold. she comprehends that if her mother didn’t work extra shifts, her lights wouldn’t be on and their water wouldn’t flow. she doesn’t take what she has for granted, and it definitely stuck with her as she grew into adulthood.  

“you had everything. family meals around the table. i wanted that. ‘how was your day, maya?’ ‘it was great, dad.’ you had that. you went to bed with a smile on your face every night, while i went to bed wondering if my father was going to be at the breakfast table in the morning. i wanted that.” 

maya has half a mom and her father left, which she blames on her half a mom. of course, she doesn’t realize that it’s because her mother also got left, but shawn helps her see that. this also starts to build up her wishing for shawn to step in as a more permanent part, but hope is still for suckers, ladies and gents! 

“my teacher thinks if i forgive you, it'll bring me peace. and he's usually right about these things, but i don't see how he's right about this one. and i can't. your job was to stay. you don't think i had it in me to allow my father to grow?”

when maya writes to her father for an assignment, she gets the closure she needs to understand that it isn’t her fault he left. of course, it doesn’t fully settle. it never does. and she realizes that she can’t forgive him for leaving yet. daddy issues galore. but she’s not angry anymore and that’s important.

“i could always hear my mother crying in her bedroom. i’d try to go in and stop her from crying… but i couldn’t. so, i’d try to fall asleep next to her… but i couldn’t. ‘mom, would you stop crying if daddy came back?’ ...and she’d look at me and say, ‘we don’t need anyone else, babygirl. all i need is you…” too much responsibility. can’t sleep, riley, been up since i’m four.”

after katy and shawn get engaged, maya is scared. she doesn’t know why they can’t just date forever. she really doesn’t like change. plus! they don’t have the best records! she even tries to come between them, to ask why shawn would be doing such a thing when he knows what the universe does to people like them. 

they get married anyways!!! shawn surprises them with an entire wedding set up on the roof because that’s how he rolls (spontaneous and romantic), and he surprises maya not too long later with adoption papers which is why she’s maya hart-hunter now. 

“my voice is still my voice, riley. you're gonna need to show me a lot more than clothes and hair and a boy before i believe that it isn't.”

when maya starts to get good grades, starts wearing more dresses, starts showing signs of growth as a person, she is told she simply is becoming riley. i personally hate this plot line! but it’s canon so i gotta mention it! i feel like she should’ve been allowed to grow!!!! she should’ve been allowed to have good things happen to her!!!!!!!!!!!!! but whatever!!! 

“i feel like... if you know me at all... and you know the last thing i would ever do is want anything that was riley's.”

triangles are one of maya’s biggest triggers because she was part of one and it really almost tore apart her entire life. liking the same boy as riley consumed the better part of her middle school years and her first year of high school. i don’t think she ever actually stopped liking lucas, but she stepped back again for riley’s sake because, as she says, the last thing she would want is something that belongs to riley. her first boyfriend falls directly under that category. so she filed all of those feelings away to never be touched again because if they were horrible things would happen! 

“boyfriend and girlfriend eventually.”

stepping back from lucas worked out in her favor because it opened the door for josh! who riley could never like because that is indeed her uncle! she went out here and there with a few artsy boys throughout her high school years just so that she could double date with riley, but nothing ever stuck. she didn’t mind. her and josh were also awkwardly always more than just friends but never more than friends, but as she got older, her feelings for him just got stronger, so she buried them and focused on school and art and life and boys are simply just not everything! contrary to popular belief! and what her journal from sophomore year with ‘mr. and mrs. josh and maya matthews’ doodled all over it say! 

then toward the middle of her senior year, she started going to more nyu parties after a messy breakup (not technically a breakup because maya didn’t think they were dating which was the entire issue!) with missy bradford (who hosted the best parties) and that is where she starts running into josh more often. he starts walking her home, they are constantly talking, they’re hanging out, and it’s not that they didn’t do that before during family game nights and family outings and family things or even sometimes just to do it when he was around, but now she sometimes actually on campus because she has friends at nyu, mutual friends of his from parties that invite her to trivia and concerts and events. then, her birthday passes and their age isn’t an excuse anymore. 

when she dies, she is rounding out her freshman year at nyu. she is majoring in art education, is finally dating the guy of her dreams, and has the world in her reach. :( 

exactly how she dies in my app/ last memory: she and josh were driving in the car and she turned the voice off the gps because it interrupts her music for no! good! reason! plus why does he even need the voice? she is sitting right there she can just tell him when to turn. it’s so annoying and her voice is way better and so she is turning it off despite his protests because she wants to get through one song peacefully, it’s not going to kill them to turn off the stupid robot voice- but it definitely does. she gets too lost in her song, forgets to tell him to turn, he takes his eyes off the road because he is sure they have missed one, she can’t believe he doesn’t trust her navigation skills, he points out that she was giving a concert not navigating, she repeats it back in an annoying voice with a face that he laughs at, she restarts the song because he interrupted it, and bam! dead.

Objects as Sites of Transition and Self-Expression

**Author’s Note: I am conducting these interviews and writing this post from the perspective of a white, nonbinary transmasculine, masc-leaning pansexual, queer college student who is majoring in Gender, Sexuality, and Queer Studies. I am not claiming that these experiences detailed below are indicative of the feelings of an entire group of individuals, nor am I claiming that my analysis represents anyone’s opinion but my own. I also recognize that there are many voices and experiences missing from these interviews that are essential to creating a larger picture of the trans experience. I was given explicit permission to share the information and personal stories that are detailed below.

Transitions are complex. Every person has their own experiences and individual hurdles that they’ve had to overcome while working towards the goal of becoming their full selves. I’ve been asked countless times to share my story of transition-- the story of how I came to be who I am and how I continue to grow-- but rarely have I felt truly seen by those listening. We spend a lot of time talking about the large and overarching ideas of what transition looks like, but rarely do I see emphasis on the specific and deeply individual stories of trans people. When I do, I often feel as if we are again being fed someone’s watered-down, generic, and often very westernized version of themselves.

I think that we often forget to look at the little details that make our transitions feel real to us. We forget that our stories are about more than just when we came out or when we started hormones or when we had surgery. Our stories are about humanity, attachment, and finding joy and comfort in the little things that help us understand ourselves, which is why I set out to hear and document the personal stories of trans individuals as they shared their intimate connections to the objects that they felt were a manifestation of their trans experience-- objects that the general media would never care to ask about.

My theory behind this work is that people’s transitions can be found within some of the most mundane objects. Humans have always found connection and meaning within the inanimate. We collect things and pass down family heirlooms and reminisce over items that bring back memories. I think that we often overlook just how integrated the material world is to a person’s transition. I wanted to hear people’s individual stories of their transition and identity through reflecting on and examining a personal object of their choice. To do this, I gathered up a group of trans people who were willing to share their stories with me. We spent an evening reminiscing together over tea and cookies while connecting with each other over the minuet similarities and differences between our transitions. I then let each person arrange their item among an artsy scenery in whatever way they felt compelled to before photographing each object myself.

The following three stories are stories of identity, resistance, and individual expression.

~~~

Rowan (he/she/they)

“Okay, so this wasn’t the first masc shirt I got, but it was one of them,” Rowan smiled and laughed a little as they pulled out a red and gray flannel button up, “I wore a t-shirt and button up to school every day and I feel like this is like… the “classic young trans masc button-up” look, ya know?” We all laughed at that because oh boy, was it true. Rowan said that they’d had that shirt since about 2014, and that despite the years of growing and the natural wear-and-tear, the shirt was still at least two sizes too big for them. They talked about their experience of going to the store for the first time and picking out clothes from the “men’s” section, and how that was extremely validating. They had been having a lot of dysphoria surrounding wearing leggings at the time, so it was “really nice to pick out some men’s jeans and stuff.” Rowan then proceeded to share a story about their purple, seashell-adorned “dancing pants”, stating that “they might just be the best thing I own.”

Rowan asked for their personal identities not to be shared.

~~~

Robin (he/they)

When I asked everyone to pull out their items, Robin offered to speak first. In their hands was a gray waistcoat, adorned with black buttons and gray lining. They smiled fondly at it and said, “I got this waistcoat for $7 from Wish. I wore it to my Junior prom and that was the first time I was able to go out in fancy men’s clothes.” At the time they wore this, Robin hadn’t yet changed their name and was only out to a small after-school GSA group. Robin also mentioned that they were instrumental in getting their school’s dress code changed to something more gender-neutral, rather than the classic binary options. Continuing to reminisce on their roaring 20’s-themed prom experience, Robin described more of their memories attached to the waistcoat, “It was the best feeling. Even my mom noticed. She wanted to like… take pictures and stuff, and I was smiling so much that she was like “This is the most confident I’ve ever seen you!” So that was really cool.”

Robin is 19 years old, white, and is a college student majoring in History. They are a nonbinary trans male and are bisexual.

~~~

Sapin (he/she/they)

As they dug through their bag to find their item, Sapin began their story by prefacing that their first inclination was also to bring an item of clothing. “My first idea was to bring this shirt I shared with my first girlfriend, but it’s at their house and they live far away. We called it the “male lesbian” shirt-- we’re still friends-- but I brought this instead,” they said, triumphantly revealing the small white bottle of Minoxidil Hair Regrowth Treatment for Men from their bag. We all shared a laugh and they explained that they had been using it for about three months now and were super happy with the results. “Every time I talk about going on T with my family, they shut me down,” they shared, “So this was really the first thing that I could use to outwardly express my gender-- and they couldn’t do anything about it.”

Sapin is 19 years old, white, and is a college student majoring in Arts and Letters. They use the term “fagdyke” to describe their gender and sexual identities.

~~~

My Thoughts

After spending time with these people and recording their stories, I noticed a few trends between all three objects. First, I found it to be really interesting that the first thing that all three people thought to bring was an item of clothing. And while they weren’t able to bring these items, I still enjoyed hearing Sapin’s anecdote about the “male lesbian” shirt, and Rowan’s story about their “dancing pants”. It makes me think about how clothing influences our individual transitions and the ways in which we connect certain experiences to certain colors and fabrics and patterns that have played roles in our wardrobes over the years. Secondly, I noticed that each object that was brought held some meaning of self-expression and resistance to socially-imposed binaries. By wearing that waistcoat, Robin was able to truly express themselves to the point where other people noticed their positive change in demeanor. Sapin also caught the attention of the adults in their life by using the hair regrowth treatment to take charge of their gender expression.

One of the most important takeaways from this project for me was the realization that while all these objects were similar in many ways, they were also widely unique and all manifested as significantly different sites of transition. The interactions between these individuals and their objects show a strong correlation between the application of the object and the desire for them to be seen as the gender they truly are, but not once did I feel like their stories overlapped with each other. It’s very interesting to see how a group of items that all have essentially the same function of expression can hold such different meanings for people who are all in the midst of transition.

I’ve come to believe that it is deeply important, especially when working to understand our transitions, that we start to think less about the ideas and tropes that society pushes towards us, and instead start to think more about how little pieces of our lives have shaped us into the people we are today.

industry feedback

Sabrina Cotugno responded, but as our correspondence occurred over a period of a week and several days, I didn't post all the feedback I received immediately. I believe we're done for now though, so here's what they've said:

March 23: "—Okay here’s some notes!! I’m feeling pretty tired right now so hopefully this makes sense!! —I’m interested to see where this story goes! The characters all have nice clear personalities, Agatha in particular is super charming. The glitch is an intriguing concept as well. —You introduce the setting twice—first in the initial establishing shots, and then through the main character’s eyes after she wakes up. I’d cut the first establishing shots and, instead, open nice and close on our main character. Only when she looks out at her surroundings do you cut wide to reveal the location. This way the audience is more in the character’s head, since we’re discovering the wider world at the same time she is. —On pacing: I’m working on the assumption that this is the beginning of the story. Disregard this is we’ve had previous time to get to know the characters and rules of the world…. But IF this is the beginning: You’re introducing a lot of unusual and interesting ideas that need a bit more visual explanation. I.E.: —What are the flowers growing out of the main character’s eye? What’s going on there? Is this a new thing for her? I admit at first I just thought some flowers had fallen onto her face, and it took me a while to realize they were a consistent part of her design. We see her interacting with them and trying to pull them out a few shots later, but that interaction is interrupted by: her reaction to the world around her and her reaction to the person with the bucket. Because it’s interrupted by that stuff, it’s difficult to clearly establish this important part of her design. I’d step it out like: —She notices the flowers. What the fuck?! She sits up, tugs at the flowers. They won’t budge. She gives up. THEN…. —She looks out and notices her surroundings. Big wide shot! Reveal the world! —Then, we get a nice close-up on her to see her clear reaction to her surroundings. —And then, in theory, she notices the bucket person? Honestly, I’m not sure if we need this character here? We meet them later anyway, and I’m not sure what they’re doing out in the wilderness. It took me a while to realize that the bucket character and Agatha were two separate characters. —Agatha throwing her skull as protection is really fun—is there a way to introduce the fact that she can detach her skull earlier? Maybe have her play around with her skull head in her introductory scene? —Here’s the most common storyboard note I give, it’s: switch up your medium shots. You’ve got several minutes near the end of JUST medium shots, which can feel repetitive and jump-cutty if used too frequently. Look for shots that are more about broad physical motion and turn them into wide shots. Look for shots that are more focused on facial acting and turn them into close-ups. —For your over-the-shoulder shots: as a general rule you don’t want the focus of the shot to be the over-the-shoulder character—because they’re turned away from camera, we can’t really see them properly. For instance, when the main character (Exa?) introduces herself, she states her name while facing away from us in an over-the-shoulder—which feels odd because she should be the focus of that shot. I’d swap that shot out for an over-the-shoulder from over Agatha’s shoulder or a single shot on Exa. oops, I meant "Disregard this IF we’ve had previous time to get to know the characters and rules of the world…."

I think I'm a little confused as to the purpose of this animatic? You mention that it's going to be a pilot eventually, but I think we might have a different definition of 'pilot'.....

Questions on that are: 1) Is this the entire animatic or part of a larger animatic that I'm not seeing? 2) What is the purpose of this project? I understand that it's for your school program, but what is the goal here? Is this basically going to be a thesis film? Is it a portfolio piece to apply to future jobs? Is it something you're planning on pitching to a studio? (If the latter, people don't often pitch shows to studios using animatics--they're way too labor intensive! and usually you'd want to go through several rounds of studio notes before committing to a pilot script/board) 3) What kind of program are you in? Is it an animation program or another kind of graduate program? I ask because you seem not entirely confident in your professors' notes, and that may be a good instinct--animation is a really niche industry and there aren't many teachers who are really qualified to teach in this area er, or rather.... I don't want to say 'they're not qualified' but they may not have the specific expertise to really guide you to to get the specific skills/portfolio you need

April 6: --So, I would definitely encourage you to do a bit more research on animated pilots! Pilots are generally one full episode length--either the first episode or an early episode (say episode 4). --The job of a pilot is to convince the studio that they should greenlight your show. That's what sets it apart from a "teaser"--generally speaking, you want to clearly establish all the major elements of a show in that first episode. the Steven Universe pilot is a great example ("this is a show about a human boy with three superpowered moms. Here are their powers. Here's how they work. There's going to be music. There's going to be action scenes.") The pilot of Hannibal is also a great pilot (it takes time to clearly establish all the main characters, their dynamics, and the major setpieces of the show--the big, artsy murders, Will's "This is my design" schtick, Will and Hannibal's manipulative therapy sessions) --Ah hah, actually shoot, reading through your previous answer, it looks like you already understood that a pilot=selling tool. But to expand on that: you want to avoid teasing. Instead, you should be revealing and dramatizing. A lot of pilots will END on a teaser that hints at the overall season arc, but ONLY after spending the majority of its runtime answering the basic questions of "What is this story? Who are these characters? How am I going to tell this story? What sets it apart from other stories in this genre?" (Again, to use Hannibal as an example, taking full scenes to demonstrate how Will's "superpower" works, how the murders are more like art pieces than your typical grisly CSI murder, how Hannibal is depicted as more of an ally and friend to Will than an adversary..... these are all things that clearly explain, "This is what an average episode of this show will look like. These are the things that set it apart from other crime procedurals.") Right now in your pilot you're teasing a LOT about the basic premise of the story but have not revealing a lot of answers. Again, you can have one or two things teased at the end, but not at the expense of basic clarity--and you have to reveal enough of the story/world/characters that the audience could feasibly start guessing what the answers to those teasers could be. --I may have mentioned this before, but generally speaking individual creators don't make pilots on their own--they're much too expensive. Generally, you make a 'story bible' with art and writing that explains the basic premise of the show, the characters, and world, and then pitch it to studios. If the studio likes it, they will option the project and then give you the budget and resources to make the pilot at the studio --An exception would be something like Hazbin Hotel, but that basically required the creator to create her own studio, funded by a very successful Patreon, with her own full crew of animators working under her. Honestly I would only recommend this route if you are very business savvy and would also be OK producing the ENTIRE show independent of a studio (therefore rendering a pilot pointless) --So overall, I would recommend using this project as A) a personal project B) a portfolio to sell YOUR SKILLS as an artist for future industry jobs--storyboarding skills, 2D animation skills, design skills. However, I would say that if you want to use this piece as part of a storyboarding portfolio, I would recommend going back in and cleaning it up to industry standards--referencing currently working industry board artists for that level of clean (i.e. Steven Universe, Amphibia, Rise of the TMNT, etc.). The goal you want to reach is for the person reviewing your board to understand the story clearly without having to read the dialogue or ask follow-up questions. Hope that helps!!

I then had some questions to wrap up,

"1) Do you think that, as it is, it holds up better as a mock series teaser then? Basically stop trying to call it a pilot and own the vagueness/mystery of it. In other words, if it's not trying to be a pilot, do you think it works/is engaging?

2) I have a written 'project proposal' that I have to arrange with my professors, instead of trying to sell this as an "animatic for a pilot", would you recommend I change it to "story bible with animatic"? That seems like the right path to me at this point but I thought I'd ask

3) And finally... Would it be okay if I sent you a sort of update in a few months (june-july ish) to get your feedback again? By that point I'm hoping to have redrawn the characters (so they actually look like their references) and implemented the advice you've given me for the animatic. It should be the last time as my school year finishes in September, but I I completely understand if you'd rather not. like I said earlier I know you're very busy"

To which she responded,

1) Hmm, this is a tricky question for me.... I would say my primary issue goes back to the fact that it doesn't feel like a complete statement. I feel the text of the animatic would need to answer a few more questions before it could properly "tease" an audience into wanting to see more. I'd say your meat-and-potatoes questions are: What does your main character want/need? How is she going to achieve it? What kind of obstacles is she likely to face? What are her flaws as a character? How do they hold her back? How will the world of the story force her to confront and grow from those flaws?

And for this story in particular, I'd want to reveal enough of the world that I could begin to guess at things like: What is the glitch? What kind of world is this? Um, this is a little trickier to explain, but since this story exists in a fantasy world and there are SO many mysteries--what is the glitch? who is the main character? Is she from this world or another world? Is this world real or does the glitch indicate that it's a video game or something? Incidentally, these are the kinds of questions I commonly ask students who are working on their own original stories. I find those students often have pretty clear answers when I ask them, at which point I say, "Cool. Now put the answers in the board." I think there's a culture online of "don't be obvious" or "don't spoil the audience"--I would say, when trying to sell a new story to an audience, don't worry about that kind of thing. Be obvious. Keep in mind that many animated shows are only 11 minutes long, and in the age of streaming, most showrunners only have one episode to convince an audience to watch THEIR show and not the dozens of other shows that aired the same month, or thousands of other shows they could access via streaming. Don't worry about giving too much away! Be stupid and obvious!

However, I am aware that as a student you only have so much time until your deadline--if you're in a phase where you should be finished with pre-production and starting production, I would not recommend making major changes to your story--that will only cause you to rush through your work later. If you need to finish the animatic soon and start on animation, I would recommend ignoring my advice above and focus on producing the animatic you have currently at the highest quality you can. Even if it doesn't necessarily work as a selling tool for the story--which is perfectly fine, I would strongly recommend pitching to studios right after graduating anyway (studios are complicated and predatory to young artists, and I recommend taking several years to work within the studio system to understand how it works from the inside before trying to be a showrunner)--it can still work as a portfolio presentation piece if you take your time on your animation and go back and polish this board 2) Story bible with animatic should work! 3) Yeah, feel free to send an updated version! Though again I am wary of deadlines and am a little skeptical that giving feedback so close to your deadline would be SUPER helpful--I may only be able to give 'polish' notes at that point that you would still be able to implement By “text of the animatic” I just mean that when I flip through the storyboard, I can understand the answers clearly without having to ask questions or read about it in the action notes. Personally I don’t recommend using board notes/action notes/descriptions at all. The only time I’ve used those are when working with an overseas outsourced contract animation studio. The function of action notes are essentially insurance—the board should read clearly on its own, but if an overseas studio misinterprets the board, you can point to the action notes and say, “you should have done what was in the action notes. Because this was a mistake on your end, you have to fix it on your own time (rather than requesting additional money to pay for a mistake on our end)”. In any other case, action notes are redundant and should be taken out of any portfolio or presentation

It was overall incredibly helpful and enlightening, especially with what pilots are and how they work. Sabrina's really helped me figure out what I thought I wanted to do, and what I actually want to do. I'll elaborate on this a bit more in my essay and how I applied it to my animatic directly.

10 Questions Tag Game

@micastarsandmirrors tagged me on my main blog for this, but I’m posting it here because it seemed more appropriate. :>

1. Which author(s) inspires you the most?

Oof, hard question! Recently I’ve been really inspired by Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series--I love how he deconstructs fantasy as a genre. Guards! Guards! is one of the best books I’ve read in a very long time. 

2. Someone from a different world asks you, “Show me the song of your people” which earth song would you play for them?

Madeon’s Pop Culture. It’s such a genius reimagining of SO many other songs, and it encapsulates modern pop musical culture in a way that’s really fantastic. I love it. It’s not actually my favorite song, but as an example to an alien of what Earth music is, it’s a pretty good case study. 

3. How did you get the idea for your current WIP?

Feilan is drawn from the mythology of a recess game I used to play with my friends in elementary school. My friends and I would team up and LARP as our super cool powerful fairy avatars and fight the annoying boys from the classroom next door evil! As we grew up, the lore of Fairyland grew darker and more complicated, and I borrowed bits and pieces of dozens of other stories to glue them to my self insert and my friends’. We grew out of the game, but the paracosm we’d created stuck with me. Around sixth grade, I started putting those old recess games into writing! 

4. Which of your characters is a lover not a fighter and which is a fighter not a lover?

Honestly, most of my characters are both! Feilan is an action story and the majority of the cast is prepared to throw down at any time. I think Lavender is the lover-not-a-fighter. She’s a healer, after all, and she prefers to avoid conflict. The fighter is definitely Amalie. 

5. Do you listen to music while you write? If so, what do you listen to?

Sometimes! It depends on my mood, and what kind of scene I’m trying to write. Usually, I prefer instrumental music. I have a class at school where the homework is just listening to a few hours of classical music, so I’ll do that a lot while I write. Otherwise... video game music is the way to go. Undertale has a freaking amazing soundtrack. Also, I’m still quite fond of the Homestuck music albums.... They have a lot of great songs for setting a mood. 

6. What’s the best way to piss off your main OC?

Tell her she’s not good enough to be worthy of something. Bonus points if you imply her opinions don’t matter, or bring up her birth status. That’ll get her riled up in half a second flat. 

7. What inspired you to write your current WIP(S)?

Oh boy here we go, here’s the novel. Feilan’s backstory is long and very emotional.

When I was growing up, I could never find stories to read that actually gave me what I wanted. I was raised on that early-2000s strand of Girl Power(tm) that was really obsessed with characters who are girls fighting the patriarchy and everyone cares that they’re girls because there’s clearly nothing more important about their characters........ Either that or they were just straight up annoying. I adored Winx Club but every time the girls went shopping another piece of me died. I had a well-established Not Like Other Girls complex but at the same time reading characters who thought like that was really annoying? There were a lot of things I hated in the stories I read growing up: inescapable love interests, tiny sparkly boring fairies, the anti-sue genre of Plain Modest Protagonists who aren’t allowed to be powerful or even aware that they could be, female characters who can’t do anything without reminding us that they’re girls and girls can’t normally do this but I can and look how special that is!!, the inevitable Girl Media Shopping Montage... et cetera. 

I didn’t want that. I wanted Lord of the Rings, but with girls, and maybe a cute boy!Galadriel. I wanted a story where girls being heroes wasn’t a big deal, or even worth questioning. I couldn’t find those things, so I decided I’d make my own, drawn out of my shameless childhood power fantasies. Feilan is an aggressive defiance of pretty much all the tropes in the last paragraph. I’ve stuck to it so doggedly because even now, I still have trouble finding stories with the kinds of characters I want to read about. I’ve always been super invested in stories about characters who are Like Me, who are girls with feminine and masculine interests, who have ADHD but are still smart anyways, who are short and built strong instead of slender. I used to refuse to watch cartoons unless there was at least one blonde girl that I could latch onto who wasn’t a stereotype Popular Girl. More recently, I want to see characters who are bi like me, where nobody makes a big deal out of it. I don’t even like romance stories, I don’t understand why it has to matter if X likes girls and boys! Just let her do that and get her girlfriend and get back to saving the world! And I fucking hate stories that pretend to be progressive by driving in over and over again how X character is a girl, X character is so gay--the ultimate result is just reminding me that I’m weird somehow. By... being a person, I guess. I hate those narratives so much but especially in mainstream YA, they’re practically inevitable? 

So I wanted to write Feilan so I could have the story I wanted to read but never found, about characters who are like me and dealing with my problems and my strengths and my fears. And I’ve kept writing it because I still want that, and I want Feilan to be that story for other people too, because I don’t think I’m alone here. It’s also a major outlet for my emotions. 

This is a long answer, but I think it’s pretty clear why. :)

8. What is the last book/series you finished reading?

The last book I read was an English translation of Ghost Opera by Mercedes Roffe, which I read for a class I’m taking right now in the art of translation. It’s very far away from my usual fantasy genre, but I really enjoyed it! If you like neat artsy poetry, give it a look sometime, especially if you speak Spanish and can experience it in the original language. 

9. What finally made you say, “Wow! I really like writing, I’m gonna keep doing this”?

When I was in fourth grade I won a local writing contest with a cute little poem about nature, and I got to go to a book fair event and read it out loud in a fancy auditorium, and I was SO UNBELIEVABLY STOKED. My mom was really proud of me, too. A couple people complimented the poem to me afterwards and it made my year. I decided that I wanted to win again the next year, and started taking poetry more seriously. 

10. What’s your favorite thing about writing?

Rereading my work. It’s so incredible to me sometimes, because I can and will cry over events in my own story, and I get so happy reading over the triumphs of my own OCs that I wrote out with my own hands and there’s something so beautiful and powerful about seeing these ideas that I created in my brain grow wings and fly. I cried a lot, when I printed out the first draft of Feilan’s book 1 and held it in my hands. That’s mine! I did that! I did all of that, and now I can hold it and see it and show people! 

I’m now tagging @pumapauus @greenhousewriting @jaidynwrites @hklunethewriter and anyone else who’s interested to answer these 10 questions, then write your own and pass it on! Feel free to ignore if you don’t have the time :) Anyone else who sees this and is interested, you’re welcome to answer too and say I tagged you!

1. What does your workspace look like? Do you have a designated ‘writing area’? 

2. Do you prefer to write solo heroes or ensemble casts? 

3. Which of your characters reminds you the most of yourself?

4. What’s one trait your main OC has that you wish you had, too?

5. Have you changed or removed any major elements of your current WIP since its original draft/concept? What was the biggest change, and why did you make it? 

6. If you had to give your main WIP a theme song, what would it be?

7. What’s your favorite non-writing-related hobby?

8. What are some of your favorite books? 

9. What’s your favorite trope to read and/or write? What’s your least favorite? 

10. What do you love most about your own work and why? 

100 Facts About Me

I don’t really know why I wrote this one on Christmas eve but I just want to share these bits and pieces of me with you guys cos why not? Hehehehehe. Am I being too vain now? Btw have a very Merry Christmas to all. Hope you’re all doing good and having a good time.

My real name is Marie Grace Q. Jolo.

I was born on the 29th of August, year 1997.

Currently taking up Business Administration - major in Marketing Management at National University-Manila.

I’m an Ornithophobic.

I can’t stand the smell of rotting feet.

I wish I could read people’s mind.

I’m an EXO-L, Blink, Reveluv, and iKONiC. Annyeonghasseyo chingus!

That is why I can sing Korean songs~~~

I admire guys with a ring on their finger. I don’t know why I find it so adoring with men. Like feeling ko ang lakas makagwapo.

I prefer staying at home all day.

I do brush lettering.

I’m in love with colors eg. faded pastel pink, pastel gray, and white.

My favorite subject is biology but I don’t appreciate the presence of animals.

I’ve been in two schools when I was in elementary. I started grade school at Holy Trinity Academy but I graduated from The National Teachers College.

I’m moody— that’s what people say.

I’m scared of nuns. Lalo na sa mga nakaitim. Hindi ko alam tawag dun sa damit nila, basta yung itim na ganun. Hahaha

I hate hospitals like I always feel uncomfortable or maybe I just don’t like seeing people who are in such pain and those dying. Tbh I don't like to see people’s tearful eyes and losing hope.

When I was young I’m scared of going to restrooms so I always pee in my underwear— my mom always scolds me.

I don’t appreciate mayonnaise except with burger.

I have trust issues.

I’ve become a class president for like two consecutive years in high school.

My skin is indescribably sensitive— I get wounds unconsciously.

I’m a shy person. I don’t talk to a lot of people but I’m not suplada.

My sense of smell is the strongest among all my five senses.

I hate commitments— just because I don’t know how to handle them.

I don’t know how to express my thoughts in the right way people can understand.

I can’t sleep with lights off.

I think I’m awkward.

I am right-handed.

I don’t drink Milo, I eat it.

Fave author: JK Rowling and Colleen Hoover.

I’m a fan of Taylor Swift.

I’m a YFC for 5 years now.

I’d rather collect shoes than clothes and bags.

I love coffee. Ordinary coffee. Yung timpla ko lang.

I don’t like pure chocolates. I want it to have something with it like; a chocolate brownie, hot chocolate drink, chocolate sandwich, chocolate donut.

I really want to be an interior designer. I love moving things around; changing curtains, the smell of a newly washed bedsheet, countertops and islands. Organizing rooms and offices and lofts and things like that.

I have a collection of Total Girl magazine when I was young. I got the influence from my elementary best friend but either my mom or dad threw it away when I went to college.

I am a Manila girl since birth but I got to move to Quezon with my parents when I turned high school.

I really have a wavy hair just like my dad.

I am too emotional like sobrang babaw ng luha ko.

I have a small box of memories where I store every piece of memorable days and experiences. But unfortunately, I lost one box when I was in high school without any knowledge of its whereabouts.

I love doing arts and crafts. I have an artsy heart.

My sisters and I share a room.

I do still believe in chivalry. I wanted my first boyfriend to be my last and the father of my children.

I love watching YT videos and reading random blogs.

I have a thing for romantic-mysterious-sci-fi-supernatural movies, series or stories.

I can’t help but cry whenever I watch any version of Romeo and Juliet either a theater play or movie.

I am a big shipper of Wesley-Dobrev (Paul Wesley and Nina Dobrev), Madden-James (Richard Madden and Lily James) and WilKate (Prince William and Kate Middleton) love teams.

All-time favorite foods: sinigang, brownies, pizza, and donuts

I’m a picky eater.

I didn’t have a stroller bag when I was in elementary but I remembered asking my parents for it and when I transferred to a new school, it’s like the whole elementary department were all in 3rd and above floors so parents really know best.

I am a perfectionist— OC girl here.

I love collecting pens and stationeries even though I don’t really use them cos they’re all cute that feel like I’m just gonna ruin their cuteness.

My feet size is 8 sometimes 8 and a half. I have a combination of my mom and dad’s feet; wide and long.

I have eczema when I was young and that returned when I was in 2nd-year high school.

We used to spend our summer vacation in Quezon with my grandmother or with my Tita in Cagbalete Island where I really got to enjoy my childhood and learned a lot. Especially how to “mag-igib ng tubig” every dawn or else we’ll not have water the next day.

People would always say that I have a weird voice.

I love watching wrestling but I closes my eyes with serious moves.

I love taking random photos.

I used to blow bubbles whenever I feel tired and hopeless.

I used to make my dad his coffee when I was young.

I got a little bit abuse by a man in green while I was riding a jeep in fifth grade. That is why I hate green color.

I like doing surprises.

I used to watch Jimmy Neutron, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Madelaine, Spongebob when I was in elementary before and after school, all that in Tagalog version.

I wrote a story way back in sixth grade but I lost it and I am so sure that it’ll hit the market nowadays.

I am patient whenever I do something I like.

London is my dream destination;

Canada or SoKor is where I want to live; and

New York is where I want to work.

I’d like to have my own publishing company and to have my self-titled magazine.

The note app and phone calendar on my phone serve as my personal diary— I wrote almost anything there.

I have my own way of talking to God.

I believe in fairy-godmothers

My favorite Disney princesses are Belle and Aurora.

I’m in love with Olaf.

I really want to blog many things but I suck at expressing myself.

I don’t know how to draw but I want to be an architect. HAHAHA that is the point of learning, right? To learn...

Perhaps I can’t cook decently cos no one eats my cooking.

I’m perpetually tired.

I prefer American series than Kdrama. But there’s this thing, I like the story concept of both but I just feel like stories of kdrama could really get along with American superstars more. It is just me? Nevermind me. But KPOP is life. Love you BI.

I can’t stand watching horror films without someone beside me.

I don’t like spices like di ko talaga naeenjoy yung food.

I loathe confrontations.

The superpower I would want to have is to never to need to sleep cos…

I hate the idea of needing to sleep at night and

I hate goodbyes and goodnights.

I can’t sleep without a blanket, either hot or cold weather.

Sofia Andres is my wardrobe goals.

I’ve mastered faking emotions.

I never left my country and I would love to someday.

My fave flowers would be; pink and white roses and sunflowers.

I want to write my own novels someday.

I always have a water bottle in my bag. Also an antiseptic alcohol.

I’m not flexible, literally.

I used to love outdoor activities when I was a kid.

I like playing with only my shorts on when I was a kid and then when I needed to pee, I’ve realized that I’m all naked and that’s really awkward.

My height is 5′1 and I weight 50kg.

I love dancing and singing without people watching.

I can’t whistle.

happy, part 5

drama! intrigue! sexual tension!  

the fic continues. here’s a post i made that links to the other parts.

9. the door closes. there’s a long, embarrassed silence. 

then, finally, after a brief cough:

“sorry about that.”

rosamund doesn’t look up from her laptop. she has a fashion design exam tomorrow morning. “no problem.”

chelsea doesn’t take the hint. she keeps talking. rosamund hears her shift from foot to foot. “no really, that wasn’t cool. i should’ve, um, texted you or something--”

rosamund shakes her head, sits straighter at her desk, skims the title of an article she has to review. “just let me know next time. it’s alright.”

chelsea almost says something, mutters under her breath, and then she asks, “are you sure?”

textile design in the industrial age: a comprehensive summary. that’s the article she has to review. she leans closer to the laptop--the text is tiny.

she tries to read, but she can’t focus, not really. chelsea doesn’t answer her texts promptly. chelsea hadn’t bothered to tell her that she had someone coming over. chelsea hadn’t bothered to answer when rosamund had texted her to ask if she could use the room to study. chelsea hadn’t even bothered to lock the door when her and some girl decided to make out on her bed and--and-- 

the other thing is that chelsea’s half of the room is decked out in punk aesthetic--band posters, embroidered patches, a guitar rosamund hasn’t ever seen her play--it’s a disaster. an absolute disaster. 

rosamund squeezes her eyes shut. she doesn’t want to think about opening the door, about seeing her roommate half-dressed in an entirely new context, about any of it. she opens her eyes. it was just a lack of communication. that’s all. she’s just tired from schoolwork. chill. she needs to chill.

rosamund says, “it’s fine.”

chelsea probably runs a hand through her dark hair--it’s probably a mess, all tangled and loose--but rosamund doesn’t know for sure, because rosamund stares at her laptop. rosamund does not look at her. eventually, chelsea apologizes one more time, gets the hint, and leaves to get dinner with friends. 

rosamund gets an A on her exam. she grips the paper tight in her hands, and it still doesn’t feel like a victory. 

10. it’s been a month since dorming with chelsea beatrice, and thankfully, there has only been one other time in which chelsea forgot to text her about having "a friend” over.

chelsea doesn’t have hook-ups over often--she doesn’t seem to hook up with a lot of people anyway. mostly she skypes with her grandma and her mom and her younger sisters, hikes on the weekends, and has her artsy-music-STEM friends over occasionally, and ok, rosamund has to admit it: chelsea isn’t an awful roommate. not ideal--the sex pistols, really?-- but not awful.

there’s one friday night in early october when they both finish all of their work around the same time--this is a bit of a minor miracle, since chelsea double-majors in physics and political science, and rosamund double-majors in business and fashion--and chelsea suggests that they watch the princess bride to celebrate. 

“you said it’s one of your favorites, right?”

“yeah,” rosamund smiles, pleased that chelsea remembered. “yeah, it is.”

“cool, it’s one of mine too. let’s watch it.”

it’s all well and good, sitting on rosamund’s bed, watching the princess bride on chelsea’s bigger laptop, until chelsea points to the screen when the dread pirate rogers makes his first appearance and says, “you know, i think that this movie would be a lot better if wesley was a girl.”

rosamund frowns. “i....suppose that would be nice--”

“i mean--” chelsea pauses the movie, waves her hand. “i mean like, wesley is a super hot guy, don’t get me wrong.”

rosamund nods, because of course, of course he’s a super hot guy.

chelsea continues. “so like, wesley was one of my biggest crushes when i was little, but i also totally loved buttercup. and my point is that the princess bride should have had wesley be a girl. it’d have the whole True Love theme be so...revolutionary, and...” her voice quiets. she picks at the sleeve of the weathered leather jacket she wears all the time. “i think i really needed that kind of stuff, when i was a kid.” 

rosamund hums. “yeah.” she shifts slightly. she doesn’t know what to say, has never known what to say when things like this come up. “can we keep watching?”

“yeah, let’s do it,” chelsea enthuses too quickly.

rosamund wants to enjoy watching it, and in some ways she does: she likes laughing with chelsea at all of the funny parts, she likes telling chelsea her favorite moments. 

the problem is that she gets distracted whenever wesley and buttercup hold hands or kiss or say, “as you wish,” because rosamund keeps picturing wesley as a girl, and she she shouldn’t want to, and it’s distracting. 

the movie ends, rosamund almost flinching when wesley and buttercup kiss for the last time, and chelsea leans back against a few makeshift pillows after she’s put her laptop away. “man, that’s a classic. fezzik and inigo are totally married.”

“totally.” rosamund lets loose a laugh, a bit higher than her normal one, but at least she knows exactly how to talk about this. “my brother fred says the same thing! his friend max always says that wesley and inigo should’ve ended up together.”

“oh my god,” chelsea grins, and she shifts slightly closer to rosamund: when had she moved away? why is she so much more relaxed now? “oh my god, wesley and inigo! i hadn’t thought of that.”

“yeah, fred and max argue about it a lot.”

“it’s worth arguing about!”

they chat about it some more, and they talk about the costuming in the movie, and the sword fight choreography, and eventually chelsea nudges rosaumund’s shoulder and asks, “hey, you’re taking dance classes, right?”

“yeah,” rosamund says, raising her eyebrows. “why do you ask?”

“oh, well, you know.” chelsea adjusts her thick-framed glasses. “do you need a partner still? you were saying something about it to your friend dana--?”

“oh right,” rosamund says, frowning slightly: since when did chelsea remember so much about her, or care? “yeah, i need a partner for next week. we’re practicing the waltz.”

“cool,” chelsea almost mumbles, and stares at her hands. “i just--i did a lot of ballroom dancing when i was younger, and i’m looking to get back into it i guess. i hope it’s not weird or anything, but--” she looks up at rosamund, plaintive, and asks, “but is it ok if i’m your partner? for next week?”

rosamund raises her eyebrows, feels her shoulders tense. she had been planning to ask robert or emmanuel or jason, guys from the dance class, or even luke from the student association, but chelsea...well, she’s apparently an experienced ballroom dancer. it might be useful. 

“i suppose--yes, that would be nice of you.”

“awesome,” chelsea beams. “thank you so much, i’m so excited to get back into dance--i’m a little rusty but i shouldn’t be too awful--”

“not a problem, i have two left feet most of the time anyway--”

“so i could teach you,” chelsea laughs, and rosamund shakes her head: chelsea had never teased her before. are they friends now instead of semi-cordial roommates?

chelsea is expecting a response, so rosamund says quickly, “i’ve always wanted to learn to dance. i’m just not very good at it so far.”

“that’s alright,” chelsea shrugs easily. “you’ll pick up on it the more you do it.”

“yeah. practice makes perfect.”

“eh,” chelsea shrugs again. “perfect isn’t the goal anyway.”

rosamund’s not sure what to say to that, and then she feels inept about it, so she’s almost grateful when chelsea changes the subject and asks, “is it ok if i have a girl over next week? i’ll definitely text you in advance and we won’t be long, i--”

“alright.”

chelsea frowns. her voice cools. “you’re doing that thing again.”

rosamund’s jaw twitches. “what thing?”

“that thing where you freeze up whenever i mention being with a girl.” chelsea squints. her brown eyes harden. “you didn’t do that when i brought a guy over.”

rosamund opens her mouth, closes it. her face is heating up, she can feel it. her nails dig into her palms. “i’m not prejudiced, if that’s what you’re asking. i don’t care who you have relations with--”

“i’m not saying you’re a total biphobe,” chelsea interjects. “jeez, i’m not saying that at all. i’m just....look, i have to ask: do you have a problem with me being bisexual? do you have a problem with me being with a girl?”

“no, no of course not!” rosamund smiles slightly, because this is a ridiculous line of questioning. there’s a stab of guilt in her chest--she sees max at his first pride--but she elects to ignore it this time. why does everyone keep asking her this? why does everyone assume that she’s--that she’s--“i have no problem with you being bisexual, or being with girls or guys or otherwise or whoever you want to be with. my brother’s gay, and max is basically my second brother and he’s gay, and i’m--”

“ok,” chelsea raises her hands. “ok, i get it. sorry for asking, it’s--i’ve had shitty people say shitty things to me before, and i wanted to make sure, that’s all.” her tone remains light and casual, but rosamund feels the air still when chelsea continues. “when you, uh...when you walked in on georgia and i, you’d looked--”

“terrified?”

the word slips out of her mouth, stark and open in the air.

rosamund wishes very much that chelsea would move away so their shoulders are no longer touching. she needs her space. she needs to control herself.

“i was going to say horrified,” chelsea says slowly, frowning slightly. she does not move away. “which like, yeah, it was an awkward situation--sorry again--but like, anyway. glad this is all behind us now. rosamund vincy is the one true ally, everyone.”

irritation prickles up her spine. “guess i am.”

“there it is,” chelsea mutters. “there’s that tone again.” a long pause. rosamund takes a tiny breath. she hadn’t realized she’d been holding it for so long.

in a quiet voice, chelsea asks, “why did you say you were terrified?”

rosamund forces herself to uncurl her fists. “i was surprised, that’s all.”

chelsea stares.

rosamund changes the subject. chelsea is getting way too TMI. “i’ve never danced with another girl before.”

chelsea startles, face no longer closed off. “what?”

rosamund nods rapidly. “i mean, i’ve danced with groups of friends before, but never one-on-one.” she doesn’t know why she feels this urge to prove herself, why there is this angry, heated feeling building in her chest, but she lifts her head and stares at chelsea and tells her, “i guess you’ll have to teach me.” 

chelsea makes some sort of spluttering, strangled noise, and rosamund smirks a little: finally, chelsea’s the one at a loss for words.

she doesn’t realize that she’s been leaning towards her until chelsea manages, “i guess i will,” breath hitting her face.

rosamund’s smirk grows wider. “good.”

“yeah?” chelsea’s voice is low. she is looking at her in a way she never has before, and rosamund--rosamund thinks of chelsea looking at georgia--she thinks that this is a similar kind of gaze, that maybe--

slowly, carefully, chelsea murmurs, “do you want me to teach you?” 

she is so close. rosamund sees the mole on her neck, the collection of freckles near her right eye. rosamund swallows, her entire body warm and tense and waiting--her hand grips the lapel of chelsea’s jacket, and chelsea is so close, chelsea is going to kiss her--

rosamund jolts back, yanks her hand away.

chelsea, dazed, hoarse: “what--?”

there’s a loud buzzing in rosamund’s head. her hands are shaking. she’s trembling all over, god, what was she thinking, what was she thinking, what was she thinking--

“i have to go.”

rosamund doesn’t hear chelsea’s reply, doesn’t sleep in the dorm that night--she stays with dana, dana has space on her couch, dana has lots of beer she’s more than happy to share--and rosamund doesn’t look back. 

“so why, exactly, do you plan to move into my spacious, bodacious single?” fred’s voice is too loud and too demanding and too annoyed for rosamund’s hangover right now, so she snaps, “my roommate and i had creative differences,” and that’s the end of it. rosamund texts chelsea goodbye, that it was nothing personal, that she’s dropping dance class because it’s too time-consuming, and she moves into fred’s that saturday morning. 

that’s the end of it. 

she ignores chelsea’s phone calls and texts. she ignores the static in her head, the ringing in her ears, how her lungs feel constricted, how it’s difficult to breathe sometimes--there are marks on her palms from her nails digging into them, from making them bleed--

she goes by rosy now. it’s shorter, it’s what fred calls her time. rosamund is too stuffy. rosamund is too proper. who’s going to marry someone named rosamund? rosy is easy, rosy is girlish, rosy is confident, rosy is fun. 

eventually rosy hears about a video project fred is helping out with, about a handsome, brilliant pre-med student named thomas lydgate who, according to dana, has spent the past semester in london and who has recently returned to middlemarch. she thinks of her list--1. find the man of your dreams--and that’s the end of it. rosy beams into the camera lens for the fifth time in a row. it is. 

all the space asks

ALL THE SPACE ASKS

ok you asked for this! here we go!

Comet: What are you currently frustrated about?

again I’m frustrated at the world because of my cat

BlackHole: What are you most afraid of? 

I was most afraid of losing my cat but that nightmare came true…

Galaxy:Do you have any nicknames? What are they?

I do! They range from punk-mom to emms, em and hey you bitch

Star: What song(s) do you feel describes you?

omg this will be a long one. let’s see…. American River by Destroy Boys, Awkward by Fidlar, Drown by Front Porch Step, Duck Eat Duck World by Destroy Boys… the list can go on but these are some big moods

Moon:Are you currently reading any books? If so, what book(s)?

I’m trying to read Harry Potter, because I never had the chance to read them as a child and I wanted to see if I would end up liking it! I still haven’t gotten past the first book, but I’ve also been very busy, so let’s hope I get some more reading done this coming week.

Planets: If you could go anywhere, where would you go? 

I would like to travel the world, but if I could just GO I’d want to go to Germany and meet my boi @mylanguageispunk​

Mercury:Describe your aesthetic.

oh boi let’s see

my aesthetic is in the words of my coworker Psalm is “punk-boy-mom”

I’d say my aesthetic is an artsy aries punk witch like really that’s all I am.

Venus: What’s your favorite tv show?

oh god, I have no idea uhmmmm. I greatly enjoyed Full Metal Alchemist, Voltron, Devilman Crybaby was pretty interesting and I got into Game of Thrones for a bit but I’m vastly behind.

Earth: If you could be anyone else for a day, who would you want to be?

I don’t really wish to be anyone but myself, but like I do wish I had a more attractive body and face.

my coworker Psalm wants to be the richest person and transfer their money to her account 

Mars: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change?

oh shit guess my earlier answer answers this too.

psalm also just wants to change her bank account balance

Jupiter: If you had to pick one color to use for an entire week, what color would you choose?

I do this all day everyday 24/7 my color of choice is BLACK DUH

psalms would be pink and I don’t even have to confirm that one with her I just know — addition she says she already does

Saturn: How far would you go for those you care about?

I’d go to the moon and back if I truly care about you. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for someone I care for.

Uranus: What would you say is your greatest achievement?

My greatest achievement was being able to raise my baby kitty spoops and have her become such a wonderful and loving girl.

Neptune: Describe yourself in one sentence.

I am an angsty punk ass bitch.

Pluto: If you could meet anyone, alive or dead, who would you meet?

I’d want another chance to meet my grandfather, because I’ve always just grown up with stories of him and what an incredible person he was and I just wish I could have been able to experience that and learn from his experiences.

Constellations: If you could have one talent, what would you want it to be? (can be magical or not)

Psalm wants to be able to teleport so she can teleport fly?

Honestly if I could have a talent I’d love to be able to do musical things, but I just don’t have the voice or the skills otherwise I’d just want to upgrade my art skills.

Asteroid: When you die, what do you want to be done with your body?

Honestly cremation is fine just spread my ashes all over the world/places I enjoyed alive. IDK maybe if someone actually falls in love with me they can use my ashes in a new tattoo.. yeah.. that’d be cool..

Aquarius: What’s a topic you enjoy learning about?

I love to learn about art and history therefore my dream class is Art History.

Aquila: Do you prefer to read books or watch movies?

I prefer to read books and then heavily judge the movie

Aries: What is something you enjoy doing?

I enjoy doing artwork, going out with friends, being in nature and moshing in the pit to killer bands!

Auriga: If you had to pick one villain from any media, who would you rather have to face and why?

Both me and psalm looked and said Trump

Fucking cheeto ass 

Bootes: If you could have any animal, wild or not, fake or not, which would you want?

I would want a big cat like a Tiger or Panther or even a Wolf would be perfect, but really I’d give anything for my Spoops.

Cancer: How do you want to be remembered?

I want to be remembered as just some crazy punk ass kid who did all she could to change the world for the better

Canis Major: How many friends do you have?

I have actually a good handful and I couldn’t feel more blessed to have these people in my life!

Capricornus: What’s a song lyric that you relate to? 

No Respect by Destroy Boys is very relatable

“Isn’t it funny to know that other people exist?No no no no no respect!Good to know I don’t have to fix thisNo no no no no respect!Watch yourself, boysNobody cares, especially me!”

not even only implying men, just be fucking respectful!

Cassiopeia: What’s your favorite quote?  

I already answered this so I’ll put a different one

“the biggest lies we save for ourselves.” ~ Prince of Thorns by Mark Lawrence

Cygnus: f you could go back to any time period for a couple days, when/where would you want to go? 

I would want to go back to when my mom was in high school and going to Gilman shows and join her in that awesome time and experience. 

Gemini:  Do you have any siblings? How many?

nope it’s just me

Leo:If you could change the way any movie was made, which movie would you change?

I honestly at the moment can’t think of a movie I would change… let me know if you have one you’d change!

Libra:If you could talk to your past self, what would you tell yourself?

I would tell myself to cut your losses and just move on and say fuck you to the people who fucked with me and my self worth. I’d also tell myself to continue to do whatever the fuck I want and NOT GIVE A FUCK.

Lyra:Would you rather be feared or loved?

I’d rather be loved by my peers and feared by my enemies.

Orion:What’s your favorite type of weather?

I love rainy overcast weather and basically anything that isn’t hot out

Pegasus: What’s your favorite music genre?

Punk Rock DUH

Perseus:What’s your favorite movie genre?

I love horror movies and anything Studio Ghibli

Pisces: Describe someone you love without saying their name.

well they have an impeccable taste in style and the kindest heart in this town

He matches my fire as well as adds to it

Sagittarius: What do you do when you don’t feel well? What do you eat/drink?

I try and just rest up and take a me day, which includes a nice hot shower, a good movie and my sketch book.

Scorpio:If you had to pick someone to betray you, who would you pick?

I’ve already been betrayed multiple times so I won’t list names

Taurus: What makes you feel comfortable?

warm fuzzy blankets are my go to

Ursa Major:  If you had to pick any job to have, what job would you want?

I already answered this and I want to be an artist/tattoo artist

Virgo: What do you value the most- artistic ability/creativity, musical ability, athletic ability, intellect, or work ethic?

I value people’s ability to continue to practice and improve on abilities they have or may be beginning to developed!

Neutron:  Are you more of a leader or a follower?

I am a leader!Supernova: How do you feel about yourself? I feel that I have a lot to learn and grow from but that I am making acceptable progress for my situation.

Supergiant: What’s something you like about yourself? I like how persistent I am even if it gets me into trouble because a strong will is lacking now-a-days.Red Giant- Would you get into a debate/argument with someone if you heard them saying something you disagree with or know to be wrong, or would you stay silent?Depending on what was said I would interject if I knew more/ could explain better for them to understand more fully. Otherwise I’d say I don’t know all about this topic and give as best a stance as I could.Red Dwarf- What’s your favorite smell? What smell makes you feel most comfortable? I LOVE the smell of lavender and like a good fire. What makes me comfortable is like the smell of my friends and family. I’m very keen on personal scents.Protostar- Give a random fact about yourself.   Random fact # I don’t remember I got a new kitty named Sol and he doesn’t have a mean bone in his little body. He’s a 7month tabby male and he was supposed to be a companion for Spoops but now he’s only my new companion. Hopefully I’ll be getting him a friend soon too after he adapts to living with me.

THE BOY

There he is! Artsy drew the prodigal son. Meet Jade, Guy and Satin’s treasure. Their wonderful, accidental treasure. He’s beautiful, he’s self confident and as Artsy mentioned he’s CONSTANTLY wearing leggings. He’s really proud of his legs and likes to flaunt them, okay? Leave him alone.

Time for a headcanon shitstorm. (All of these are pretty flexible btw. Jade’s still under construction and can change at any time.)

Jade has a rather Satin-like exterior and is usually more subdued than his father. However, dramatics are in his blood, which he has no control over, so you shouldn’t be surprised if you hear him going on a rant over something as simple as eyebrow hair out of place. Presentation is everything, goddammit.

Being an only child and a bit spoiled, he’s rather vain but is a good kid overall. Jade is not nearly as observant as Guy, due to his self centred-ness so if something is wrong with a friend, it might take him a while to notice. Please be patient with him. He’s kinda dumb in that regard. But once he actually realizes, he’s….well, he tries. Jade is not good with the emotional stuff. Doesn’t know how to comfort people. Not good at articulating deeper feelings. He’s very high and mighty about himself until he’s forced to confront emotions. Very awkward there so he avoids it when he can. But you know he’s gotta try his hardest to make that friend feel better. Satin and Guy raised him better than to just walk away. It’s done very clumsily though. Lots of stiff back patting. You tried, Jade, you tried.

I imagine him as being a pretty smart student. He did inherit Satin’s brain after all and it’s not like she’d tolerate that cleverness going to waste. The problem is, he’s not too good at concentration when he’s uninterested, another curse from Guy. So Jade does pretty damn good in school, but there is that barrier that keeps him from being labelled a genius.

He’s mama’s boy. Him and Satin have a very close relationship and he spends a lot of time in her study, giving her suggestions on her designs. She also dresses him head to toe too. Jade’s very exclusive about the clothes he wears and a good majority of the time, it’s from his mom’s line. You don’t talk shit about those clothes either. They also talk regularly after school and as mentioned before, Jade isn’t very good with admitting feelings but luckily, Satin’s a sharp woman and can read her boy exceptionally well and can help him through struggles, without even being explained the problem.

Okay, Jade loves Guy and Guy loves Jade. They really do love each other very very much but good God, this father son relationship is a mess. They bicker all the time but it’s never anything remotely offensive. Pretty sure their biggest argument was just.

“Glitter is tacky!”

*Gasp* “You take that back, you little brat!”

It’s just how they communicate. It’s usually his dad that brings out the more melodramatic side to Jade. I’m taking reference from my own father here but Guy Diamond seems like the type of man to lovingly pester his child. And it’s not like Jade can’t be equally as much as brat. This kid once ran over Guy’s sunglasses with his bike, out of pure spite (and because they were ugly) These are both petty children. But even in their arguing, like, they’re still doing it over ice cream. Because Guy took Jade out for ice cream. They’re eating ice cream together. Because they love each other. Y’know?

But listen, you would never hear him admit it in his life, but Jade is Guy Diamond’s biggest fan. Programmes from productions he’s in, posters, DVDs of his movies, interviews. Jade has all of them stashed in his room. He has an almost frightening knowledge on movie trivia of all the films Guy’s been in. He aspires to be just like him. Guy knows damn well just how much his son looks up to him but Jade’s probably the one person that he doesn’t prod to stroke his ego. He annoys him about enough things. Leave him be.

Jade can’t act. Like at all. He wants to. Good God, he wants to. He adores the lights, the stage, the makeup, the costumes but the boy is the worst actor you will ever see in your life. For the longest time, Jade was under the assumption that he was incredible. I mean, Guy and Satin try their hardest to be supportive so of course, they’re not gonna tell him that he sucks. He’ll get better with some practise, they insist. Guy actually sets up some acting lessons “just for fun” hopefully to get Jade to improve before someone else can tell him he’s terrible. Guy would rather die than let his boy get his spirit crushed. But nah, the lessons were useless. Jade is just not an actor.

He figures this out eventually after sneaking into the school’s theatre with some friends. (what a hOODLUM) Jade finds a box of audition tapes and of course his first thought is to pop in his own to show off for his friends. What they saw…well….let’s just say Jade’s never been more embarrassed in his life.

He reluctantly gives up his acting dream and pursues something else. Something where he’ll receive an equal amount of attention. Like he adores his mom’s clothes but he doesn’t really want to be a designer. He’s more of a critic of clothes more than a maker of them. Tbh I like the idea of him becoming a youtube beauty guru or something like that.

Welp, I probably have more but this is all I got off the top of my head. I hope Jade is appreciated for the second generation deity that he is.

Do you remember those Cathy comic strips your mom used to have tacked to her cubicle wall or office board? The one’s her and her co-workers would share and cackle and point at while nodding their heads in agreement and uttering ‘Yup, so true’? You’d look at those comics as a little girl with a blank stare, confused as to why so many of your mom’s female co-workers related to this neurotic, cat owning, chubby white lady who spent the majority of the comic complaining about dieting,exercising, yogurt, work and dating. Now I ask you, do you remember the day you realized you BECAME Cathy? For me it was when I was around 30, I was on the phone in the grocery store with my friend discussing this new wellness challenge I saw on IG, where you cut out all refined sugars for 30 days, and there was some hashtag involved. I looked in my basket and saw one bottle of white wine, a container of sugar free Greek yogurt, and cat food. Somehow, I had morphed into the Millennial (am I a Millennial? I was born in 85’ idk) Colored Cathy. This wasn’t a moment of panic, but definitely a random moment of self realization. This was 30, and I was doing the things black women in their 30s do. Maybe its an American thing, but a large part of adulthood in our culture heralds “self-improvement.” We must always be striving to be fitter, richer, healthier, better educated, more skilled, glow-upier versions of ourselves. This is especially true for women and hell, I was, I am no different. To be content with who you are in the present is seen as resigning oneself to mediocrity. It’s lethargic, and un-ambitious. Cardinal sins in our current “Rise and Grind”–everyone’s a personal brand-social media reach quantifying ass world. Fast forward several months where I’m 31, and miraculously still had not managed to 30 Day Challenge myself into a better me. I had hit a wall. Well, a couple of walls and I hadn’t the faintest idea why. I couldn’t concentrate on this “great” new job I just got, I was more reclusive than usual and couldn’t even find enjoyment in the little pleasures I’d typically turn to during my more gloomy spells. Sure I’ve always struggled with self-discipline but that’s always a part of myself that I attributed to being ‘artsy’ kind of. However, the list of goals I wished to accomplish but never followed through on grew exponentially. My personal life was about as uneventful as a Chris Christie’s political future, my friendships were suffering, I was more irritable than usual and I was even becoming withdrawn with my son at home. It wasn’t until I had a late night discussion with a close friend where he tearfully revealed he’d seen a therapist and had been diagnosed with depression, that I entertained perhaps seeking professional help for my mental well being. Of course I didn’t think that I was as sick as my friend, when he asked if his diagnosis surprised me I responded in typical “Of course I knew, nigga I’m glad you caught up” Danielle fashion. “Oh yeah, of course not, I had always said you would benefit from therapy, with what you’ve been through? Of course a diagnosis of depression makes sense. I’m proud of you for finally taking care of yourself”. After hanging up the phone, my own words I used to reassure my panicked best friend echoed in my head. “With what you’ve been through..of course it makes sense. I’m proud of you for finally taking care of yourself.” My friend, like a lot of Black men who grew up in Chicago ,has experienced a lot of trauma, especially in his childhood, but damn so did I. I soon realized that I was guilty of the same mental health neglect I audaciously and frequently lectured him about when we’d discuss his failed relationships and stalled professional life. I had a lot of Black ass nerve, here I had pretty much spent the latter half of my life having gone through the mental trauma equivalent of several car accidents and not once thought to cart my ass to a physician to see if there was any internal bruising. So soon thereafter, I started researching therapists in my local area and booked my appointment. My therapist is a Black woman in her early 60s. She looks young for her age, she has a short ceasar hair cut, and wears Uggs. She’s short and busty, and her face always looks as if she’s empathizing with you. Her office is very small and quiet. She has one of those faux waterfall things meant to provide calming serenity. It’s kind of annoying and looks really cheesy but I try to ignore it. Our first session, she told me that I was at the age where most women seek therapy. “You’re…31. Yeah this is where most women hit a wall, your jar is full and you can’t keep putting your head down and pushing forward, now you’re having problems functioning and have to compensate for years of self-neglect, this is normal, it’s what women in their 30’s do.” During our one hour session she asked me the questions I suppose all therapists ask, about my current life, my childhood, my love life, my past, and what I want for my future. I was pretty candid, and had no problems going into full detail about everything. I casually rattled off the instances of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse I’d experienced from childhood into adulthood that I was sure was norm for women my age. My divorce, my son, the death of my father, my close, but dramatic and at times confrontational relationship with my mother, my job hopping (four in one year I think), my chronic insomnia, etc. And even when I casually looked up to her slightly raised brows while she scribbled notes on her notepad, I wasn’t sure how serious I was taking it, but it was cathartic to talk to someone unfamiliar with my story. It wasn’t until the end when she said she needed to tell me something that she usually waits some time to disclose to her patients that I knew what was at stake. “Danielle…you’re sick. I don’t think you realize how sick you are because this is the only way you’ve known how to function for the majority of your life..but honey…now you need meds and you need help, I hope you’ll let me help you.” This was actually unexpected, I was so sure she would have praised me for my perseverance, my resilience in having withstood what I had gone through while somehow still managing to become an arguably productive and functioning adult. It hadn’t dawned on me that maybe all this time, I really wasn’t “functioning” at as high a level I thought I was, that my “normal” was abnormal that my “fine” wasn’t fine. Maybe I had been giving myself entirely too much credit? I left her office that day with a couple of diagnosis: Clinical depression, anxiety, PTSD, and some other acronym that I always forget. Ultimately she told me that before we could even hope to engage in successful therapy sessions, I needed to discuss anti-depressant meds with my doctor. “You mean I’m so fucked up I need medication to be eligible for therapy?” I laughed. The laughter was not returned. Shit got real. I promised to contact my PCP right away to discuss my options and gingerly paid for my session. When I got home, I laid on my couch and catatonically stared at the ceiling till sunrise. I don’t even remember blinking. For the first time in my life, I was the one with the diagnosis. This wasn’t about my friend’s depression, my ex-husbands sickle cell, my mom’s heart condition, or my son’s autism. It was me. For the first time I was the patient that I needed to take care of. I was used to being the calm, analytical, reassuring caretaker, who helped my loved ones research therapies, and medication options. But now, I was the one who was sick, and for the first time in a long time; I didn’t have the answers, and I was scared. Currently I’m still scared but I’m discussing med options with my physician. I’ve since had a few more sessions with my therapist and I’m getting more and more comfortable with the idea of both needing and accepting help, and my needing therapy and help not being an admission of my own inadequacy. I like my therapist a lot, and my friends and family are supportive. I accidentally sent her a dirty text message meant for some dude once but she laughed it off-she cool as hell. I still do my little challenges, in fact I signed up for some 28 Day fitness jumpstart just the other day. Like a lot of black women in their 30s I’m also starting to find myself entertained by things like numerology and astrology. Especially ironic coming from me of all people a consummate cynic, but I get the appeal. People like being told who they are, it’s less legwork. To think there’s a universe out there as invested in my self actualization as I am is an attractive ideal. I’m scheduling myself a tarot card reading as we speak. I’m even looking into life coaches, because shit, why the hell not? There’s a Sartre quote where he says: “As far as men go, it’s not who they are that interests me – but what they can become.” It speaks to the notion that the “self” is constant and ever changing and it’s something I think about when I fall into this possibly futile albeit earnest cycle of self improvement. Humans are tasked with the burdensome freedom of deciding who we are, and then embarking on the journey in becoming that actualized person. When I told my mom I had decided to start going to therapy, she cheered. She said it was long overdue, and exclaimed relief that I finally decided it was time. She had been in therapy over the past three years and found it helpful. My mom, like a lot of black women her age unfortunately, has experienced a lot of trauma, but she’s seeking help and scaling her own walls — and damn so am I. Maybe that’s enough. 30 day challenges, black women, cathy, comic strips, turning 30 Danielle Butler

u know whats exciting for me but also kinda scary

i changed my major do digital arts last semester and the main thing i wanna do for it is 3d modeling/animation

and i mean, im terrified that im not gonna be able to do it/i’ll hate it/whatever but

im really excited about it and all the other arts classes im taking, and i realized im sorta following my ~childhood dream~ of being an artist

cause when i was a kid i liked the idea of drawing pictures and painting and stuff, and art was always my favorite class, but when i told my mom [who does painting and crafts and stuff for craft shows she does with my grandma ;p] that i wanted to be an artist, her immediate reaction was to go “o youll starve, artists dont make money” and im like well shit [except not really bc i was probably like 6 or something] and for so long i just threw the idea of being any kind of artist out the window bc it wasnt “realistic”

for a while i thought i wanted to be a doctor bc my grandpa’s a doctor and i liked the idea of helping people

but i’ve never really been particularly interested in biology and after taking honors bio in hs i realized it wasnt my thing

i still looked for other science and math based classes to find my interests in, and while i could handle them at a basic level, going deeper was stressful and just wasnt what i was into

digital arts tho

that’s fun. it’s a bit stressful, but it’s fun and i like it so far. i just hope i continue to like it enough to learn something useful so i can get a job ;p my mom is actually really supportive and says I should make the most of my ~college experience~ and that changing majors around and finding what i like is part of the process, and i guess now that ive got a more practical idea of what i wanna do, it’s more acceptable than just a vague “idk, i will art”

if 3d modeling doesnt work out, i was also interested in the interactivity and art section, even tho im not really sure what that means? like part of the summary is ‘computer interactivity by exploring human computer interactions, software programming, sensor acquisition, and the translation of human movements into expressive multimedia art forms’ which sounds stressful but super cool. we’re supposed to do 2 sequences and ive already started the digital video one, but maybe i’ll have extra time in my schedule for an interactivity class :”) i gotta meet with my adviser tbh, we got a lot to talk about

and then there’s grad school?? like, i dont go to an art school [i thought i was gonna do physics or comp sci HAH] so there’s only so much i can learn here, so the idea of grad school is both exciting and stressful bc, bleh, more classes and more spending money. 

right now, im excited about taking my drawing class, and im gonna try to take drawing ii as well as painting and maybe sculpture to help me out with 3d modeling concepts and stuff so i’ve got a better idea of color theory and proportions and all that good stuff

i wanna be well rounded

i really wanna learn art

im excited, and im scared, but i have a clearer(ish) view on what i wanna do with my life. physics i had no idea. comp sci was pretty open ended and i was interested in game design. digital arts/3d modeling and animation, i could still try for game design but the more artsy side of it

and maybe... work on shows :”) maybe rooster teeth, tho i know like 56564675 people have dreams of working there too, so that’s a little intimidating

but i gotta say theyre part of the long process of me getting re-inspired to study and pursue art

rooster teeth and a lot of my supportive friends who are always so sweet to me and helping me out emotionally and encouraging me :”) it does help me get through times where i really feel stuck

i think i’m doing what i want to study now and not what i feel like i “had” to do because it was “safe” cause really, those werent “safe” options for me because i didnt like them and i didnt understand them

i think in pictures and am a visual learner

i think im where i’m supposed to be right now

i’m scared

but excited

How was it like growing up as an autistic child? When were you diagnosed? C:

I was diagnosed later in life (mid-twenties) after seeking out the diagnosis on my own. I never really knew I was autistic as a child or as I was growing up, I just knew there was something “different” about me. It was hard to put two and two together for a number of reasons…

(adding a read more cut because this ended up being a long answer, sorry!)

I was home schooled by my mom with only my brother and sister as company until I reached the 7th grade. The only real social interaction I had was with a few family friends (most of whom trickled out of our life after a couple of yrs of knowing them, for various reasons) and kids I got to know at church. I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday until I was in jr high and had a few friendships that lasted a few yrs, but all of them ended over time (kind of badly in some cases, some of them bullied me in the end). I hung out with my cousin for several yrs until she also became too “cool” for me. Needless to say, everyone just thought I was weird because I was home schooled, isolated, and friendless through most of my little kid yrs.

Despite having a somewhat isolated childhood I was really happy I think. I didn’t really get why people didn’t want to be my friend back then. I was a pretty happy kid. I didn’t think it was all that weird to be as hyper-focused on small details of things as I was, to notice the things I did, or to have the special interests I had. Also I was really really shy and didn’t talk very much at all. I had fewer sensory issues back then because I was more in control of my environment (spent almost every minute at home!) but they tended to get worse on long trips in the car or in situations where I couldn’t get away.

I grew up in a very small town in Texas. There was no practical or helpful interventions in place for kids who didn’t “look” like they had a disability, but still did have one. None of my issues ever got singled out on an institutional level (like recognizing a learning disability or whatever, my issues were mostly intrapersonal and interpersonal, everyone thought my educational issues were bc of home school). My parents thought I had a behavioral attitude problem and threatened to send me to boot camp a lot (my dad is ex marine). I got in trouble at home a lot because I was argumentative. The one time i spoke up about having anxiety and depression I got a couple of months worth of Lexapo from my GP, and never got it refilled. I was a freshman in high school at the time I think. Mental health wasn’t talked about or taken seriously where I grew up. If you had real problems you were supposed to work them out in church (no offense to ppl who believe in that, but I don’t think it should take the place of practical interventions that can help improve ppl’s lives). I mostly just started “working them out” through self injury (bad coping mechanism), and later through art.

From jr high to high school I kind of found my niche. I had groups of friends eventually, really good friends. Mostly outcast types, but we didn’t care, we were the weirdos and we liked that. I also took on the role as the artsy eccentric one in the group who said weird stuff that people thought was funny or amusing. I actually really liked this part of me, but the other issues in my life at the time made this a less happy point in my life. It was a mixed bag.At this point (basically from 7th grade on) I was dealing with a lot of depression, anxiety, self injury, etc. I started looking into psychology as a way to describe what I was going through, why I had such intense emotions, meltdowns, sensory issues, depression, headaches, stress, etc. That time period was the birth of my lifelong interest in psychology. I bought every book I could, watched every movie. There was a lot of confusing info out there (movies probably didn’t help since they don’t portray mental illness very accurately usually, lol). But autism was never really brought to my attention because of the obvious reasons (stereotypically a young boy’s disorder, mute stereotype), but also because of the divide between the medical field and the psychological field. I was looking in the wrong places, apparently. I think this divide is a major issue that will eventually need to be addressed, by the way.

To answer your actual question… Growing up undiagnosed autistic was confusing as all hell. Often sad. Very very lonely. I didn’t really get what I was doing “wrong” most of the time? For a large portion of my life I had a lot of magical thinking. I thought I was “special” and could like, control certain things in my life (kind of like in a serendipitous way? idk it’s hard to describe). I used to think I had schizotypal pd but that might have just been a result of trying to make a confusing life make sense. Maybe I do though who knows really.

I might have had these issues with or without a diagnosis, but I definitely have always felt “broken” bc I didn’t have an explanation for why I was different.I have a lot of self-loathing, lack of confidence issues that I’m still working through as an adult. To be honest with you (and I don’t consider this tmi because this is my blog lol)… I was really at my wit’s end when I decided to seek out a diagnosis. I felt broken, like a burden, like garbage parts that would never do any good in the world or mean anything to anyone. I had a lot of suicidal thoughts all the time, I was in a really dark place for many years and the only thing keeping me going was my husband (then boyfriend) and my pets. When it got bad enough that I was scared for my safety I decided I needed to demand help from myself and my family and friends.

Things completely changed when I got my diagnosis. Something in me shifted, and I felt I understood the universe more clearly. Kind of like when you learn something new in school or whatever and everything takes on new meaning somehow. It was like that. Since then, I’ve had a lot more self acceptance. I still have a lot of issues sometimes when I’m having a really bad meltdown or depression (okay it happens way more than it should, I really need to go to therapy I know, lol), but things have improved so drastically by knowing I’m autistic, I can’t even tell you. It’s also improved my relationship with my husband, (side bonus).

It hasn’t been all good, I mean, my family and irl friends have barely acknowledged it which just makes me doubt myself all over again… But then I remember “oh yeah other people don’t have to deal with this kind of shit!!!! This isn’t typical!!! This isn’t the “normal” everyone else is experiencing!! Fuck you I’m autistic or whatever else you wanna call it, come at me!!!! I’m done feeling like I’m broken so just accept it already and start to know me as me and not as this bullshit image you’ve created in your mind to represent me!!” :D

Besides, acceptance or not, I’m always going to have the issues I have. I’ll always have a hard time understanding what people are saying when there’s too much going on, I’ll always get overwhelmed and burned out, I’ll always have meltdowns (something that is very hard to accept about myself), I’ll always make social blunders and misunderstand people, I’ll always be misunderstood, I’ll always struggle with things that come more easily for others. But I’ll also always see the world from a totally different perspective from everyone else, which I think really helps me in my art and ideas. And I have a lot of fun in life when things are going well, I’m really super passionate about so much and I think that’s because of my strong emotions and connectiveness to things. I have a fun childlike view of everything when I’m in a healthy place and I love that about myself. There’s a lot of really cool things about it, and some bad things too.

Sorry this is such a long answer. I’m clearly avoiding my school work…………. It’s been a long stressful weekend and venting a little felt good so thank you for this question that I have taken way far off track, heh heh.

I should probably be more “professional” in my answers to these types of questions since this is the field I want to specialize in eventually, but whatever. This is real life and real life is messy and sometimes you get mad about your baggage and curse a little. It helps to curse a little. ;)

Also I’m an oversharer, sorry! Autism is a big interest of mine and so is human behavior. So it’s hard to hold back…