#Really kinda tired of people doing scummy shit like this
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CRESS Claims
For all of those who know me and who have been engaging with my stories, content, and character, this post is for you!
I've recently separated myself from someone who was a friend of mine and during this friendship this person and I had created the concept of House Cress back in October 2011 before Guild Wars 2 was released. The concept of House Cress is actually older than my son as I was pregnant with him at the time that myself and this other person had fleshed out all the details of what House Cress was to be and that our characters would be -- as they were in other games aside from FF14 -- twins.
For those of you who know me from WoW, I went by Hale Cress and I RPed that character on the Alliance side on WrA for several years after Gw2 and following my leave from WoW I eventually brought my character Hale to FF14 who now goes by Vahalia Cress. It was then that this other person had not wanted to play the game or build the world alongside me since they were into WoW and there was zero interest expressed. So, I started modeling and fitting the concepts of lore and the source material to meet FF14 standards and lore.
I have been RPing Vahalia Cress and the concept I have built for four years now and I have gone above and beyond to facilitate RP for myself as well as my FC and people around me who have interactions with Vahalia and House Cress.
Three years into my RP this person/'friend' would suddenly show up, start talking to me more again and then chose to insert herself into the stories and RP I had going at current without communicating with me at length to see if that would be okay. They chose to skip all the MSQ right up to Endwalker despite being suggested not to, and boosted their jobs. They had absolutely no care for getting to learn of the lore and world of the MMO I've meticulously crafted my story around.
Additionally, coming into the story and actively trying to meet her halfway and try to include her I gave her a position as Vahalia's cousin and we collaborated on a few things only for her to later change parts of her character that are vivid parallels of my character Vahalia from changing her eye color, to having her character involved with the exact type of business Vahalia was in and tried to have the character be a family addition in Ishgard as well. Let's also touch on the fact my URL for Vahalia used to be umbral-flare-ffxiv. I later decided to change that because this person decided to use Umbral in their URL as well and that just sat poorly with me. My friends constantly told me that all these changes and choices she was actively making were looking deliberate.
She would disappear for months at a time and come back around to insert herself into FF14 again only to be around for a little bit then disappear again without word.
Despite the disappointment of feeling like attributes and things were taken from my character, I later read a story where this person's character also somehow inherits a voidsent entity (much like Vahalia and Creature for all those who have read my stories) without her knowing little to nothing about the void, Voidsent, Voidkin or the 13th. That was the last thing that occurred for me to get worked up and have enough of constantly feeling like concepts for stories and aesthetics were being siphoned from her. I had even made the mistake of sharing with her a plot concept I was working on with someone else only for her to turn around and try to write the same with a friend of mine.
Well, as long-winded as this is, I promise I have a point. Because this person and I are no longer friends. The two of us had civilly and amicably came together and decided to go on about our lives as acquaintances because I had voiced to her that the friendship was too toxic and unhealthy. I was tired of her attacking my integrity as a person, making broad assumptions against me that weren't true, on top of calling me a bad friend because I didn't always defend her when she wanted me to or if I disagreed with her. I have been lied to and emotionally manipulated and in a constant state of emotional whiplash with this person.
I cared about them, but things weren't healthy. I was tired of the gaslighting and I had sworn to myself in 2023 that I would continue to advocate for myself and speak up when I wasn't okay with something.
Anyway, We go our separate ways. I felt good about it. I thought "Wow this is nice. We both agreed to this and we can exist in the same space without having to be on a personal level with one another." Because despite everything I still really cared for her and wanted nothing but her to succeed in life and have positive blessings.
I had made the choice to remove her from my Facebook because I believed that if we were no longer on a personal level of friends, her being on my FB or having access to it wasn't adhering to what we had ultimately decided. So I removed her.
The next day I noticed Facebook had her Icon on my dash and I thought to myself, "That's not right I thought I removed her?" so I clicked and went to see if I did, indeed remove her like I thought, and I had noticed she had me blocked.
Then according to my friends and mutuals, they had told me she removed and blocked them and then proceeded to add my new friends from Discord that she's never really interacted with, friend invites. Three have come forward to me in DMs and have expressed to me how left-field and odd it was for them to get those friend requests. Red flag? Pretty sure they thought so too.
To me, a block tells me that that person wants ZERO interaction with you and has chosen to take steps in ensuring that they don't want to see you. Period.
So much for being civil and amicible I guess?
Anyways, I took it with grace and simply just removed her from everything quietly and went on about my business and life. Finally being able to sit at my PC this evening and get to blocking her on my socials, I went to her URL to block her account and I came to find she has a very pointed addition to her details and 'about' on her page claiming that she is the sole creator of House Cress and its stories over many universes.
Hence the reason for this post and the long-winded explanation. I thought it was imperative to give context and a timeline of events. Events in which I have several people who can back up my claims. People who have been in my life for 7 years or more and many who have been in my life for 13 years or within my RP circle for a decade or so. They're people who have also interacted with my characters across all platforms dating back to GW2 and have heard this Ex-friend discuss how House Cress was a brainchild of us both only to now some how claim that its not.
This ex-friend is claiming they're the sole creator, but they're not. It's a project we both worked on in the living room of my 1 bedroom apartment in 2011. It was a project we both had a hand in creating on equal avenues. We did a video about our plans and hopes for Gw2 and even spoke about our characters. It's a project that I've always seen as belonging to us both, and even now.
For this person to make this claim is perhaps one of the most bullheaded lies she's even decided to put into the ether.
For someone to claim "The person I was 8 years ago isn't the same person I am today." and then go around and do this just out of spite and malice tells me that no, this person is very much the same person they were 8 years ago.
Nothing has changed.
I was fine walking away from her and letting her do her own thing as she saw fit. I assumed that us coming together on a decision meant that we'd have no ill will toward one another.
And I had honored that.
Until tonight.
House Cress was not concocted by one person alone, despite what my ex-friend might claim or what she might try to twist. I have text snippets of this person professing to people in Discord in my FC server that the Cress stuff was a conjoined effort from us both and she would always stipulate how long she's known me and she and I would ride on nostalgia and often talk about how long we've had the Cress train going through various different universes.
With all that has been said, I don't plan on telling anyone who this person is because I don't wish ill attention on them by any means. I just wanted to stay in my lane without her sabotaging me or for some reason her feeling that she needed to get her kicks in where she could. So please don't spread hate.
The whole point of this message is to say -- I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here and I'll continue playing Vahalia CRESS as I have been for 4 years.
I will continue to build on Vahalia CRESS'S story and enjoy it. I will continue the story and stories I've built up for House Cress in the FF14 universe and enjoy it. I will continue to bring people in on the stories and help to support and facilitate RP and ideas. I will continue to collaborate with others.
I helped create this and I have a stake here and I won't let someone try to bully me out of a place I have built, earned and socially been a part of on various scenes for years.
I won't be bullied out of what's mine as I've put a lot of hard work and dedication into this, too much for someone who doesn't even have 10 hours of MSQ under their belt or can properly figure out how WHM works.
This is my space, I'll curate it how I wish and I implore all those who want to want to interact or write with me, to do so.
I'm here.
I'm not going anywhere.
Let's write!
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if this is too explicit, u dont have to post it but fjdjsksks ive always felt like im bad at giving h**d do u have any tips ???
HAHA okay ill try to give tips NSFW and also this is abt sucking dick disclaimer 🫡🫡 gonna put it under a read more omg this is gonna b so crass. sorry
like honestly it reallyy really depends on the person ur giving head to bc everyone likes different things and some ppl ive given head to werent that into it or i wasnt that into it. like for me i have to b rly into them cuz idk past hookups i havent been too into and my mouth would feel all dry or like they like it different than how im used to doing. So tip #1 u have to be willing to adapt and be receptive to what the other person likes. i think thats the most important thing when it comes to sex in general. always listen to ur partner and be willing to communicate, ask them beforehand or during if they want it different. do they like softer or harder do they like rough stuff do they like more slow sensual fast do they like when u go deep or no .
Also only ever do what U want to do yk!!! do not let anyone force u or like just grab ur head unless if u want that but if they do that shit w out talking to u first or u guys agreeing ur into that they r scummy
I think a big thing is making sure its wet enough bc suckign dick when ur mouth is dry is just unpleasant for both people. make sure u produce enough saliva and get that dick WET lol. its abt getting into a rhythm and also like make sure u cover ur teeth with ur lips or else that will hurt them. if ur confused how to do that bc i def was at first literally just pull ur lips in over ur teeth like ur gonna look stupid and if u put like ur fingers in ur mouth they shouldnt hit ur teeth at all and ull only feel ur lips. Lol and u need to hold ur lips like that it might take some time getting used to. Jaw wise i dont hav much advice like my jaw used to lock a lot in tje beginning when i first started giving head and id get tired fast esp if the dick is Big or girthy lmfao but u kinda just habe to push thru it and ull get more used to doing it and have more stamina my jaw doesnt get tired much anymore unless if im going a longggg time
If its a girthy or big dick and u cant take it all in ur mouth and its tiring use ur hands at the base !!! some guys like it some dont so just ask em but if theyre into using hands u can just suck the tip or only a few inches nd be using ur hand on the rest or two hands if ur into that idk. ask them what rhythm and pace they want for like using ur hands too cuz everyone's different some might liek a firmer grip or fast or slow idk. but ur gonna want to get into a rhythm using hand and ur mouth itll like work in sync together yk
some ppl r into more attention to the tip but for some that can b rly sensitive so either ask them or pay attention to body cues cuz u dont want to hurt them !! but have fun w it lmfaooo u can lick it or lick like the underside(frenulum? i think lolol) idk use ur tongue a lot too and then u can go deeper again or get back into the rhythm u were in and occasionally give more attn to the tip
im kinda used to giving more passionate or intense head and guys who r into that im more sexually compatabile with so idk! when or if the dick falls out cuz it happens u can kiss it too They will luv that shit lmfaooo i think its really abt passion and willingness and stuff cuz receiving sucks if the giver doesnt seem like theyre into it or care abt ur pleasure and sucking dick def isnt for everyone or some ppl just dont like it as much which is totally fine never do anything u dont want to!!! but its really all abt wanting to make ur partner feel good and if u have that genuine desire theyre gonna love it. usually ppl r into sloppy head just cuz its hot seeing someone going Off for u so dont be shy to make noise and all the sloppy dick sucking noises r usually a turn on for ppl lmaooo and u can moan too to show ur into it im sooo into doing that 👍
and u can experiment w positions too like being on ur knees while theyresitting or kneeling next to them kinda while theyre sitting on the bed and Def likeee if ur into it giving head can be a veru mutual thing too like u can also get pleasure too just gotta talk abt it w ur partner like if u like being grabbed or touched somewhere idk i think giving head is really awesome and slay and i get a lot of pleasure from giving i love too hard 😈🫶🫶🫶🫶Lol but u can do a lot of fun stuff and variety w head when it comes to positions. do it in front of a mirror or something etc. but idk it rly just takes practice and getting ur form down and rhythm and learning what ur partner likes and what u like! u do not have to be crazy or into intense head or deep throating shit or anything u see in porn its a mutual experience and abt making ur partner feel good and use ur hands if u dont like going deep etccc and u can go soft too it rly depends what the person is into! Also its all abt touching too like grab ur partners thighs touch them u can kiss their stomach before u go down hold their hand touch their butt if theyre into that LOL idk its like a very dynamic thing lots to do 🫡🫡🫡i also like laying my head on their high and s*cking that way its very sensual . Okay just gave way too much info abt my sex life slayy hope this helped tho babe !
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in this 5am post i talk about how i feel about the Rusty Quill allegations and (inexplicably) how using an anarchist co-op approach in the industry could maybe possibly potentially have not allowed these issues to happen (from experience!)
honestly please read cuz now i want to start a podcasting co-op and it would be great if others did too.
i really loved tma (until plot>statements cuz i can't really follow the plot that much and i much prefer anthology horror that only hints at a wider plot and this is quite a long tangent actually) so this is kinda disappointing fr.
as someone who works in an anarchist co-op it's interesting to see how business who start out with horizontal leadership & pay devolve into full-on capitalist practices. is this inevitable? can i trust in the process? our bar, for example, works. at least, that's what it looks like to me. we're all paid the same, we all have equal rights within the business, we all have a stake in it, even though we all do very different jobs: bartending, hosting, talent-sourcing, sound-tech...ing. but i guess a massive difference is intent. from the start, the bar had a mission: prove that a business model like ours can work in parallel with capitalist businesses, creating networks of anarchist businesses, federation stuff etc etc, spread the anti-capitalist, if not explicitly anarcho-communist message throughout the city. a local bakery/cafe is also doing just that and they are fricking booming tbqh, it's remarkable.
with rusty quill, it's not a co-op, it's a capitalist business. hence the CEO. could the bar scale to this level and keep its core mission intact? well, i guess another difference is the fact that not only do we not expect to scale in that way, neither are we gonna franchise. it doesn't make sense. our aim would be to help other upcoming co-ops and related create their OWN co-ops, not come under our wing and become a massive co-op. is it possible to create a workers co-op in the podcasting world? pay everyone the same wage but keep that wage a healthy amount above minimum wage? No bosses, just people who do it because even in the hard times its what they WANT to do. Any creative job could be like that under a different system.
underneath this cut i go into a little detail of what i think a rudimentary podcasting co-op would look like and how it solves at least 1 (one) of RQs missteps and honestly i did not expect to talk about this and its 5am so it's a bit of a ramble but tldr; i think its possible and (obvs i'm biased) much preferable. given the time, interested people, and literally any knowledge of podcasting, would try to implement. tldr 2: capitalism sucks and it will kill everything you love if you're not paying attention.
I mean that's what we're trying to do. We are a grassroots music venue in a place that people never consider when they think about the country's culture. and yet we've managed to be a hotspot for people who've heard about us from word-of-mouth whenever our city is mentioned. yes, in general we have shit advertising but what works works lmfao.
so back to RQ: my point is it literally doesn't have to be like that. the music industry, from local venues to big studios, is extremely exploitative and such a scummy example of capitalism at work but WE MANAGED! Against the odds, a blooming spot in a tired, dying town. Can other industries do the same? Can podcasters do the same?
What would be the issue? What are the differences that make it more or less difficult? What issues befell RQ? Mismanagement and lack of communication? In a co-op, would this be fixed? I would venture a tentative "yes", because you no longer rely on a central body to have these discussions. You are the decision maker, as is everyone in the business. If it's "we should raise our pay", everyone else can say "well we want to pay for this studio or that bit of advertising, maybe we shouldn't" or they can say "yes, good idea because we have this surplus and can afford to spend less on this kind of microphone" or whatever. Everyone votes to change an established reality, and if there's a consensus, we go ahead! If it's a query that would affect only YOU and YOUR production, guess what? you need ask NO ONE!
This is just one of the ways in which i see a way out for this industry. Eventually, capitalism will come for every last one of our beautiful, independent podcasts. It's obviously already happening. And then the monopolization of it all into one, formless, Disney blob. Podcasts, one of the last bastions of high-quality, widely accessible art that so many people love and anyone can create, succumbing to the maw of the approaching terror that is the death of creativity at the behest of the invisible hand. This isn't about Rusty Quill anymore, really. I am just advocating for one of my favorite things to wrest itself from its destiny before it becomes nothing. All we'll have are the podcasts that made us think and feel decades ago:(
This became me just telling everyone to form co-ops. Also join the IWW - it's a massive international workers union. kill capitalism before it kills the things you love. do things today that make sure those things can continue being a light tomorrow. honestly, if making a podcasters co-op is viable then pls someone do it, i know nothing about podcasting, i cannot act or make sounds in microphones of high quality, so there's not much i can do on my own really. but if literally more than one person got up to this part then 1) you are a champ and 2) lmk if this is a good idea cuz rn my body is saying yes it is and that i can do anything rn.
i am sorry that this is just a stream of conciousness rambling, again i have been prescribed new adhd medication and accidentally took more than they told me to.
I am doing this instead of my C++ assignment. If anyone can also tell me how to understand operational amplifiers or how to calculate the uncertainty of a standard platinum resistance thermometer that would be fantastic.
xoxo not a girl
#rusty quill#the magnus archives#i have shit to do#uni exams i am shitting myself about#yet here i am#5 am#tma posting#and communism posting#some things will never change#anarchism#communism#how about a bit of both#anarchocommunism#how did i end up putting these things together am i insane#or just high on elvanse#how about a bit of both x2#tma#the extra meds were not an accident i lied dont try this at home kids i cant sleep and i am shaking
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10/28/22
The night got away from me again, and one more-than-full night of sleep after the hell that was this week and suddenly I'm back on the "getting in bed at 5 AM" schedule. I really don't try for this shit, I'm just not tired at 2AM. And I really should at least start getting ready for bed at 2AM. I can sync that with the server reset on NoPixel and just start getting ready for bed around then... but that relies on the server having good content... and lately it's just gotten really corny, constantly trying to break the 4th wall and go OOC, constantly just pushing the edges of funny with a-little-too-on-the-nose current event parodies, Twitter outrage cancel-culture gossip mentality, just... bleh. Sell-out shit all over. Because the whole thing is just a pop culture money machine at this point. The server meta is a great representation of what it has become. Stale, repetitive, trying too hard, not even trying to cover up glaring logic holes (defending the "right" not to). They put a toll booth at the whitelist gates and let anyone good enough to pass a high school drama class entry exam through. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if your "donor level" (yes, you are required to be a "donor" to apply for whitelist) affected your chances of passing the whitelist test. There was never a meeting with me, barely even correspondence. And I'm a purist RPer, a method RPer, with a focus on traditional drama and realism. But some 19 year old who hires someone off Fiverr or some homework tutor website or something to fill out their test for them, I guarantee they get in first try if they drop a juicy donation.
So... the ones who started it all, the real RPers. The ones who were here since before it was a pop thing. They're just tired. And annoyed to have to be around people who just... don't seem to want to play this type of game? If you can even call it a game at that point, I guess do that type of performance? I don't know. A lot of them just seem to be like... "remember the old days? What happened?" And the new ones. They remind me of a League of Legends chatroom. Or old Call of Duty voice chats 10 years ago. Where everyone goes by their username (now they've changed that to a full character name, who has a vague background that somehow never comes up...) and speaks like they normally do, thinking their normal thoughts, but maybe they do a silly lisp, or a dramatic rasp, or some weird nasally thing that's been popular for some reason.
It's like open mic night at a bar, but the veterans are there too. So these guys have to like... rap in front of Eminem... and battle him... which scared the fuckin shit out of me and gave me a massive anxiety attack to the point where I just logged off... But also... Eminem has to hang out with these guys. And they're not all anxious professional creatives trying their hand in a new medium... it seems like most of them are just college-age socialites and amateur actors/comedians/entertainers looking for a career boost. Or fame. Probably fame, honestly... but money is probably a big part of it, with Twitch it's very deeply intertwined.
I don't even like thinking about money anymore. It brings so much nasty shit to my life. Just wanted to say that.
So the NoPixel meta has gotten... a bit desperate, in my opinion, and kinda shamelessly half-assed. There's absolutely no attempt to hide their charged prio, their application fees, every fuckin toll booth set up they possible can. And pushing the meta that this is a thing that really should be socially acceptable, and other servers followed suit and they do it with even higher prices. It's scummy and dishonest. And really fucks the people who were there when you started, they built your server to what it is and now you charge them to stay in the place they built, that they've been calling home for like 5+ years.
The same shit happened to Minecraft. I remember it vividly and it left such a shit taste in my mouth. My server I played on for a while and was a Mod on was... kinda falling apart, I guess? I don't even remember what happened. We sorta all went separate ways? Maybe the owner had to go back to school or something, I really don't remember, it was ages ago. We went to a new server that my friend Moss and her at-the-time boyfriend Sokh had migrated to. I wanted to stick with my friends, so I went along. I started doing what I do... building temples. Sacred sites, decorative, put there for the sake of being impressive and beautiful. It's just sorta what I did in Minecraft. I would build temples and statues and monuments. I still do, I guess, though it has been a while. This new server started to have perk things you could buy. Like package deals and little name tags and shit. Not just cosmetics, but like... actual in-game materials. Whoa, okay what happened there is actually... it might be making sense. Let me connect these thoughts. So there was an incident of new players coming on the server one night, it was pretty late at night, not a lot of people were on. The new people were looking for better gear to get started and settled in. I had some diamonds just laying around from like... when people gave them to me as gifts, or shit I found in the strip-mines. I rarely use diamonds ever, only necessity and most shit you just need iron for, and iron is way more plentiful. So I would usually just stick to stone, maybe iron if I had a good steady supply. Because stone shit is free and I have a lot of work to do trying to build a 500x500x50 5-tiered stone pyramid. Solo. In survival. With stone tools. Let me be very clear, that was the project I was working on, and I was making a lot of progress! I invited the new guys over to my place to offer them a deal. If they brought me like... x stacks of cobblestone (my most precious resource, second to food, which I had in plentiful supply), I would gladly hook them up with a diamond pick. It's a very generous trade, but to me... even like 3 stacks of cobble already mined is really worth way more than the diamond to mine it a little bit faster.
Here's where the story takes a turn. I wasn't the only one on the server at the time. A person that was more of a veteran than I - I remember his name but I'm just not gonna post it here, cuz... I don't need to out people like that... XD - he... outbid me. He like... offered to give them a diamond pick for free. Or something. And I was really not too pleased about that. And I think rightfully so.
This somehow led to me getting banned from the server. And I do know that that dude was paying for at least something on the server. The whole thing just like... reeked of corruption. One of the mods apologized after and said he still wanted to be friends. Like... I'm really trying to find an actual reason. I don't think I fought with that guy, I was really anxious back then... I think? It was like... 2015 or something. I don't think I made a scene or anything, I think I was just pulled aside afterwards. I have no clue.
I got booted from the server. It sucked. And that dude like... followed me to reddit and was sending me harassing messages and shit. That was really shitty. Like... I just wanted to make friends. And this dude who like never interacted with anyone just decided to like... try to steal new potential friends from me?... To just like... flex on me or something? And then got me booted from the server where my friends and I hung out. And then... followed me to reddit. Idk, maybe I was being a shitbag and posted some shit on their server ad post, warning about the pay mechanics or something, that's something I would've done back then. Maybe not. I honestly don't remember, it was like almost a decade ago.
I just don't like getting memories like that wrong. I feel this strong recoil to like... be careful not to point fingers when I could be in the wrong. But even looking at it now? I don't see any reason why that dude would be undercutting me on a deal like that. Like... it's a community, I was trying to set up a trade deal and he just snipes me for no reason, for no actual gain. Like, I could've gotten a trade route set up, have new players turn their early game grind for resources (iron, redstone, diamond, etc.) into a trade resource, to make the grind go quicker and save me time and work. And encourage the growth of regular relationships and interaction on the server. And this dude just goes "here, have one on the house." And I'm just like... okay... back to mining thousands and thousands of cobble blocks by myself then. Thanks dude.. I mean, I think it's okay to speak openly about that. And the messages I sent to him about it that night were whispers, not public. I remember that much, and me and the admins had to go over the fucking chat logs, it was humiliating. Like... I really don't think I did anything that wrong, I just told him it wasn't cool to undercut me like that. I didn't have a lot of resources to work with, but I was willing to part with them for trade. He lived in like fucking mansions and shit, he had tons of resources. And just wanted to give them away or something? To impress people? I don't know. But they went with him, and actually banned me. And I'm guessing it's stuck in my head that they kept him because he donated to the server. That was it. He was paying the server's bills. That was my point. He had a rank tag and everything, and I hadn't paid a dime. That's what I was connecting all this to.
That shit happened to Minecraft. Now I get that you need to pay to keep up a minecraft server. It's currently $15/month for a like... fuck I don't know I think mine has 20 slots? Something like that? So I'm guessing a 100 slot server could get up there. But... banning someone who wasn't doing anything wrong, who was trying to establish a trade deal with new players, to give them a place on the server, a job, a thing to do, a quest. Banning me, so that you don't have to confront a donor and tell him not to do that to people with white-colored names.
That shit... sucks. And it really repulsed me. That some of the sickest hierarchy power-dynamics have found a very comfy home in online gaming communities. That we had a fresh start at building new communities, and we welcomed this idea of buying your spot in the community's power structure. Not through contribution, not through merit, but through real-world money. That because this guy worked at a sleep study lab and just played Minecraft all night long every day at work... and made a bunch of money that way. And donated to the server. And basically lived there, I guess. He gets to be a senator. And that overrides the health of the community. It overrides the situation itself. He can use his power to banish people, over nothing. That shit... really spooked me a bit. I really hope newer people in the gaming community can really understand that these things (paying for access to a server, paying to be whitelisted, paying for queue priority tiers) are not normal. They are very new, they are brought in from like... airport boarding tier scams, and casino business tactics. Literally. These practices are ripped from and direct imitations of some of the most notorious tactics people use to over charge and fleece people. This is known, you can look it up. This has not been the norm, it isn't even really currently the norm, and it only remains the norm in those circles because no one outwardly objects it and... stays in the community. So... just be cautious of that, and don't just cave your thoughts to the peer pressure of those who say... "well, it's a premium product, okay? they have bills to pay too!" Yep, they always have. And that's just the way it is. That doesn't equate to $150/mo. queue prio. Ever. That's not even subtle, the math just doesn't add up.
I truly think that going from free to paid is a scummy business practice. And people are doing it everywhere now. Even YouTube is saying, "even if you demonetize your videos, we're still putting ads on your shit and keeping all the money, so.... wink wink, nudge nudge". And I remember this happening to Starcraft and speaking out about it. About Blizzard experimenting with... "let's see if they'll play for a co-op commander". When they used to be released with patches. And... everyone paid. So... I don't know. I do see some benefit to smaller payments, making a game more accessible to a broader market, but... like... ain't broke, don't fix it? Especially since so many people are using it to exploit that situation? Like... can we take a little bit of a paycut just to make sure that we don't normalize something that people are just bleeding eachother dry with? Just... putting it out there. It all depends on consumer control. Whether we buy this shit. And we do. And pressure eachother to be okay with it. So if someone goes around wearing the mask of a cool guy saying "man, I'd totally pay $90 for that game, that sounds totally worth that much", and pressuring the shit out of people who question it? "That's a totally reasonable price, look at all this premium content!" That becomes the market price, and when everyone starts doing that... it just normalizes... and all of us get screwed. All of us. The consumers always push this in bad directions, influenced by the producers, and the consumer always just screw eachother over. This topic is boring me. This stuff just frustrates me, there's too many people and too many layers involved and it just overwhelms my brain.
Well, this went down a path I didn't expect. Reliving that really lonely grumpy guy getting pissed at another really lonely grumpy guy for undercutting his friendly trade deal, and getting banned for it because the dude was donor. And all that came from trying to get to bed around NoPixel server reset at 2AM. Hey, maybe the reason I don't get to bed is because my brain works like this? And does this all the time. Hmm.... XD
Here's the cherry on top of this really fucking random journal entry. I had a great day today. I matched with a social worker, I'm gonna try to figure out what he can help me with PTSD-wise, maybe I should bring up ADD stuff as well. Like this. And I'm gonna be seeing him like 2 days from now. So... bravo Betterhelp, that was very quick. I have a vet appointment, my mom, older brother and sister in law came in clutch and got a connection and an appointment with someone in my new city. My groceries came, so I made a nice homemade dinner. But the gem of the day:
I dropped in on a quarterpipe for the first time in over 10 years. It wasn't that big, it was like a 3' mini-quarter but... I did it. First try. And three times in a row. Because I really wanted to make sure I got it. And I did a nicely popped nollie on a bank, that was pretty good. Tried to get nollie nosestall but it isn't quite there yet. And I met someone around my age who had this thing called a OneWheel, which I have seen before but never in person. He let me ride it around and it was really cool, it was a lot like snowboarding. Lots of carving, very bodyweight focused movement.
So that was cool. I almost didn't go. I was really anxious, there were like 4 people in the park, and like 4 people working on the addition to the park, smoothing the concrete and shit. A big audience. But most of them were gone by the time I said fuck it and got out of the car. Just one dude who was around my age and around my ability. Who, of course, barely talked to me. But the other dude just came right up and we talked for like half an hour until after dark. So it was a good day. Nice to see that the whole time I could've just taken my old therapist's advice and gone to the skatepark. And maybe my story would've come out different. But I just keep getting stuck on "I just want someone to go with me". The anxiety. The social anxiety, the insecurity. Embarrassment? Shame? I don't know what it is. Awkwardness? "I don't know what to do with my hands". The thing that smoking used to do for me. Shit. This might actually be it.
Okay, fuck it, last thought, I'll bite. I have quit cigarettes for almost exactly a year now. The one thing that is most fucked about my life being smoke-free or whatever is that I don't have a tool for - 1) easy, immediate stress relief, 2) an excuse to bond with someone, 3) something to do with my hands during awkward silences, 4) something to kill time, 5) a ticket out of an awkward situation, 6) an excuse for a break. That's just off the top of my head. They served a lot of purposes for me. I kinda miss them, but at the same time... not really? I just miss what they did for me. And I wish I had a substitute... maybe this is what I can talk to the new therapist about. How do I relearn how to socialize as a non-smoker. And how the fuck can I do that when I have no friends to like... teach me... and coach me... and cover for me in the beginning phases. Like... I never took the advice "just go to the skatepark and meet people" because... I just wanted training wheels. That's it. And I feel very strongly about that. I feel like I shouldn't be ashamed to ask for that. And I really don't know why it's too much to ask? I feel like it's like asking someone to lunch, but they take it as though I'm asking them to help me move or something. I don't know, I guess... I don't have the right people around me for that? I don't know. I don't wanna get too deep into analysis, I need sleep.
Welp... sun's coming up again. I have a lot to process, and honestly... I have no idea how I'm going to catch this therapist up to speed on like... a lifetime of shit... but yeah... I'll see if I can get some key things. Cuz... I need to work on in-person social anxiety and meeting new people (since I'm just hugely out of practice) and... understanding the family fights more fully... and... figuring out what to do when hypervigilance is kicking in or freakouts start and I'm alone with no one to comfort me. Those are the big ones, I think. All of which a really good girlfriend would be doing, and I would be doing for them when needed. Just sayin... I don't think these are really foreign issues, especially to people with PTSD, but like... I don't really know anyone who doesn't have someone to help them with these. Except my little brother. So... yeah. Another can of worms.
I'm feeling much more at peace today, more unified with the direction I want to take my life. A burden was lifted. So I'm going to see if I can keep working on art stuff tomorrow, pick up where I left off.
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Scummy, sleazy!Naoya who’s your next door neighbor and you honestly can’t stand him. He’s stomping his feet and slamming shit 24/7, plays his music or tv loud at all hours of the night and don’t get me started on the banchee screaming women that are in and out almost every night. You tried to be nice, asked him to keep it down a little. I mean, he’s not the only person that lives in the building, right? He should just respect his neighbors but you didn’t know what you started by coming to him at 11 at night, banging on his door to “keep it down asshole people are trying to sleep!” Well now, it seems like you’re not getting any sleep because every night, as soon as you’re tucked in and your head hits the pillow, you hear the wet, sloppy sound of Naoya jerking his cock in his room, that just happens to be next to your room and, what’s that? Is he actually moaning you’re name??!! 👀👀
BABE?? YOUR MIND IS JUST—JUST SO BIG JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
Ok, ok, you've forced my hand. I have to write Naoya x chubby fem reader bc my mind is RACING with possibilities
CW: chubby fem reader, misogyny, fatphobia, some bullying, male masturbation, breeding kink, allusions to baby trapping
Jesus christ ok—
Scummy!Naoya is the absolute WORST
Imagine living next door to this bastard as a woman jesus christ
Now let's be clear: Naoya is not a good guy here sksksk he is still an arrogant misogynist who deserves a good kick in the nuts
But... *debby ryan ear tuck* he's still kinda hot sksksk
ANYWAYS yall are neighbors and he's a NIGHTMARE
Always making noise, never listening to your gentle requests to please turn the volume down bc you have to wake up early for work
He just simply doesn't care about you and your stupid problems
I imagine Naoya as this privileged little playboy who lives off daddy's money and has never had to work a day in his life
He doesn't like the apartment he lives in, he thinks it's too cheap and dingy, but again, living off daddy's money so he doesn't really have a say where he lives
He still complains tho sksksk
And he doesn't care for his neighbors
He wishes he could live in a penthouse with a new girl in his bed every night, but nooooooo he has to live in a corner apartment with you as his nextdoor neighbor
Speaking of you: he hates you skskks
He thinks you're so ANNOYING: your smile, your laugh, the baggy clothes you wear when you walk around the apartment complex
He thinks you're a sad excuse for a woman, working and living alone and weighing far more than average
He thinks you're pathetic and he HATES that you love yourself as much as you do
He doesn't go out of his way to speak to you, but if you do interact, he's far less than kind
"You're still single? I'm not surprised, seeing the way you look and the fact that you're as independent as the average man. Maybe if you lost a few pounds and acted like a lady, people would like you more."
He's clearly insecure about himself and just taking it out on you bc you're pretty and nice and sexy and funny and perfect and he can't stand it 🙄💅
But you're unbothered bc you're confident and know your worth and some pencil dick weasel like him can't ruin that 😌
He's still a pain in the ass tho 😒
Always playing his shitty rap music and stupid shows super late and super loud
And then there's the plethora of women who stop by to have screaming matches with him
They wail and cry about how he cheated on them and he always claims that they weren't even dating which makes the screaming WORSE
The sound of slamming doors and thrown objects has become far more common than you would like
One night you've just had enough: you have to be up at 6am and Naoya has been watching TV at full volume for the last two hours and you're DONE
You stomp over to his apartment in your pajamas and bang on his door nonstop until he answers
"What the hell do you—"
"NO," you interrupt, jabbing his chest with your finger. "I'm tired of telling you to quiet down. You're a fucking adult; you need to start acting like one and be respectful of other people. If you don't turn your shit down, I will call the police and get your ass thrown out of this apartment. Don't fucking try me."
You stomp back to your apartment without another word, sending him one last glare before slamming your door shut.
To your surprise, the TV is turned down quite a bit and you're finally able to rest
Naoya can't sleep tho, still shocked by everything that transpired
He's never seen you so angry before, your eyebrows furrowed, lips turned down into the meanest frown he's ever seen, making your pretty plump features look ugly—
Wait
Pretty??
Shit... now that he thought about it, you really were pretty, with your bright eyes and plush frame, looking so soft and delectable. He wondered if you tasted as good as you looked—
WHAT NO WAIT NO HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO THINK OF YOU IN THAT WAY!! You were just some stupid fat woman that lived nextdoor who shouldn't work so much and instead should spend her time lounging around at home eating juicy fruit in the nude and spreading her legs for him when he came home from work—
OKAY HE'S GOTTA STOP
He's just tired and horny, he doesn't actually like you, it's just that he's not in the right mindset to recognize you for who you really are. He'll go to bed and he'll be back to despising you by tomorrow
But... that doesn't happen 🧍♂️
Naoya keeps thinking about you, how your tank top and shorts hugged your frame so well, how he could see your nipples hardening beneath your shirt and how he had the sudden urge to suck them into his mouth and bite them...
Sooooo... Naoya may not hate you as much as he originally thought...
He doesn't want to admit it, but he actually finds you incredibly attractive
Yes he's a fatphobic piece of shit and thought that you were a slob at first just bc of your size but now he thinks your wide hips are perfect for child-bearing and that the extra fat would aid you during pregnancy pregnancy kink is off the CHARTS for this asshole
Nah but fr, he's starting to peak glances at your curvy body whenever you're not looking
Every time yall meet at the mailboxes downstairs, he's lagging behind so he can watch you as you walk upstairs, your hips swaying, your ass looking like a perfect round peach
He's started coming over to borrow flour or milk, any excuse to see you and admire the way you look in your casual clothes
One time you answered the door in a towel and he had to hide his boner while you got him a cup of sugar he was so tempted to turn things around and be like "why don't you give me some real sugar, babygirl?" Turn this into some kinda porno but he couldn't speak he was so nervous 😓
He's thinking about bending your body in the craziest positions, your rolls squished together and your tongue lolling out of your mouth as he pounds into you, hearts in your eyes as he fills you up for the nth time that night
He's struggling to fall asleep without jerking off at least once before bed
He's thinking about you, obviously, how your back would arch beautifully as he pushes your head down into his sheets and pounds your fat cunt for hours on end
He's sure you'd be so precious in bed, your mean attitude melting away after creaming on his dick a few times, turning whiny and needy, hooking your ankles around him and making grabbing hands at him, silently begging him to come closer
He can practically hear your cute, breathy moans in his ear as he jerks his cock late at night
"Oh my god, Naoya! Fuck me, fuck me!!"
His imagination runs wild as he fucks his lube-slicked hand, imagining it's your pretty chubby pussy taking him instead
He's so wrapped up in his little fantasy of you that he's not thinking about how loud he's being
"Fuck, Y/N! That's it, fucking take it. So good, so fucking good, shit! Gonna fill you up, gonna get you fucking pregnant. Gonna make you my cute little housewife, keep you safe and well-fed—fuck, you feel so fucking good—"
He cums with a groan of your name, cleaning up after basking in the afterglow for a few minutes
There's a knock at his door 😶
He's confused af bc it's like midnight but he goes to the door anyways and lo and behold look who it is, it's the girl he just jerked off to
He's like "🧍♂️ what... what're you doing here?"
"You know I can hear you, right? These walls aren't as thick as you think they are."
His first reaction is embarrassment, but then he sees the outfit you're wearing—an oversized t-shirt that reaches your mid thigh—and suddenly he's glad you heard him
He leans against his doorframe, smirking softly, eyes roaming you as his dick starts to harden once again
"Oh yeah? What're you gonna do about it?"
#ask#smut#naoya zenin#chubby reader#fem reader#naoya zenin x reader#naoya zen'in x reader#naoya zen'in#tumblr stop posting my asks before i finish them challenge#☀️ fics
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We are not Our Parents| Part Three
Hauntingly Beautiful
He was wearing the stupid wire. Across from Lucy's complex, Batman and Robin took watch. Tim with his laptop and coffee and Bruce with his eagle eyes and monitoring equipment. They could both hear Dick Graysons nervous shuffling and see him shifting weight from foot to foot. It was obvious from first thing in the morning his son had a date tonight. Dick had been meeting up with her without telling Bruce for the past two and a half weeks. This morning he had betrayed himself of his plans. Bruce could hear him singing "sixteen going on seventeen" in the shower. He had used the syrup on his pancakes to make the shape of a heart. It was obvious he was seeing her again. He had pulled his oldest son aside and explained to him. The classic, 'I'm not stupid, you are wearing the wire tonight no room for debate,' conversation. He could tell Nightwing was unhappy when he agreed to it.
Dick Grayson had brought sunflowers in a bouquet. She had them on her dangly earings when he last saw her. He figured she might like the real thing.
He was starting to feel really weird about this situation. How much did she know? If she knew nothing, this was as scummy as he could get and not even a million showers could get rid of the feeling. If she knew everything. He won't hesitate to do to her what he did to her mugger. It freaked him out. How could he be such a schodingers man? Simultaneously Dick Grayson and Nightwing until he knew the truth.
He knocked on Lucy's door. She was smiling brightly when it swung open. Oh God, she was wearing red lipstick. It looked so good on her, but he couldn't help think about her family who often sported the same color in the same place.
"Aww, yah got me flowers!" She squeeled in an accent identical to her mother's. Oh how obvious that she was a perfect gene splice of the two. Mabey it wasn't his PTSD giving him danger signals all this time. Mabey it was his subconscious.
"I hope you like them, and don't have any allergies or anything-" he started.
"They are absolutely perfect, here let me put them in water. Why don't you take off your shoes and stay awhile," she was floating on air, so graceful and calculated in her movments as she set the flowers in a vase.
He felt a twinge of embarrassment. Her curtains were open. Bruce and his brother had a perfect veiw of everything, plus perfect audio. How stupid must he seem right now for not figuring it out immediately. Her voice, the way she looked, she was so much like Harley. Her graceful steps and body language just like the Joker.
"So," she started towards him tilting her head, "you wanna start back where we left off last time?" She suggested in a low sultry voice, her accent less definable, as she lifted her eyebrows and began pressing herself against him. He could feel Bruce's judgment radiating through the bay window.
"Ahh, actually I wanted to talk to you about something," he explained skirting around her to sit on the couch.
"Yeah what's up?" She questioned. Furrowed brow and a slightly pouty lip. She didn't look like either of them now. Nightwing relaxed under her concerned gaze. He planned how he was going to get information from her. It was super risky. Bruce would be pissed. However, Bruce was on his shit list, so he didn't care.
"It's just that, my dad is hosting a charity event," Dick nervously scratched the back of his head. "I know its kinda early to do something like that we've only been seeing each other for a month or so-" Lucy cut in.
"You want me to go to a Charity event... and meet your family?" She laughed nervously.
"Look, it's fine if its too soon for the 'meeting the parents stuff.' I just never have a date to my dad's insufferable parties and I thought you could bring a little life to it." That was true. Plan aside, he still felt like having someone at one of those awful events could make it fun. He hoped Bruce thought he was just good at manipulating and didn't mean it. But he kinda ment it.
"I've never been to a charity event. It might be more fancy than I'm use to, but I'll donate anyway. Is it like one of those television ones?" She asked intrigued with the idea.
Holy shit. It just now donned on him that she didn't know who he was. Well, she did. She knew his name was Dick Grayson. It must have never occurred to her that her Dick Grayson was the young socialite 'Richard Wayne' as the press knew him. She said on her first date with him that she wanted to eat the rich. She might dump him before he could get any real info out of her. That was a secret relief to him.
"Mmmkay, this is going to be hard to explain. Have you ever heard of Bruce Wayne?"
She gave him a 'no shit Sherlock' kind of look and answered in a monotonous and sarcastic manner that chilled him. In that moment her expression and tone belonged to the Joker.
"Yeah. Bruce Wayne rings a bell or two," she answered.
"Well, have you ever heard of Richard Grayson Wayne?" He probed.
The look on her face. It was the look of Harley being double crossed. Of his dad cornering the Joker. It was that hereditary deer in the head lights look; and just like them, it was gone in a second and replaced with faux confidence.
"Don't tell me I've been bruising up a man worth millions," she joked with an eyebrow quriked. Suddenly, her face went back to pale and fear stricken.
"Oh god," she muttered quietly, "we hafta beak up."
Dick was confused. So was Bruce and Tim who had been listening in this whole time. It wasn't what any of them were expecting.
"Okay," Dick attempted to regain control, "I know you said 'eat the rich and all' but we give to charity and-"
"You are in the public eye. Press are probably all over you, right?" Lucy Reasoned.
Dick nodded. Batman belived he knew where this was going. Press on her = press on her father. Her father's whereabouts wouldn't be safe. She would break up with Dick to protect her family.
"Look I like you. I really, really, like you. So I'm gonna tell you that I'll be nothing but trouble. I'm no good. If they find out you are with me they will drag you and your family's name through the mud!" She warned getting more and more frantic. The adrenaline set in to both parties now.
"You aren't making any sense, what do you mean?" He was baiting of course. He knew exactly what she ment, but he had to hear her say it. She sat down next to him and began nervously scratching her inner forearm. That was an unhealthy grounding technique. Dick learned that in therapy.
"So, you know how your family is well known-" she trailed off. Dick encouraged her by nodding. "Well so is mine. But they are well known for all the wrong reasons. My mom and dad were terrorists. Famous terrorists." She sighed and gathered herself. "I'm sure you've heard of them. Uhg, it's like being related to Hitler or something!" She frustratedly palmed at her hair. Her dad did that alot. He'd get that same crazy look in his eyes doing it too.
"Just tell me what you are getting at please" Grayson earnestly pleaded while taking her hands and removing them from her hair. Her frame relaxed.
"What I'm say'n," she continued, "is I was brought into the world by Gotham's most wanted clown duo. And that if you like not having the world's largest target on your back, we gotta call this thing off." Her eyes were teary and she looked down. Once more. She didn't look like either of her parents. Her face was just Lucy.
Dick, at this point, should have kept pressing. That's interrogation 101. Instead he moved her hair behind her ear and pulled her into a hug. He soothingly held her and petted his hand through her hair.
"Hey, hey, hey, it's okay. We are not our parents. I promise" he shushed while holding her against him.
"I know," she muttered in a monotone and low voice, trying to pull it from all emotion, but he felt the tears on his shirt. He pulled back and held her shoulders. She was deflated with puffy eyes and a tired distant stare.
"Hey, I know you are dealing with alot. You don't have to got to the Charity event if it's too much. But frankly I don't give a damn if they try to drag my name through the mud," Dick swore. Lucy sniffled and gave a soft smile.
"You don't get it.. It's not just the press. My family keeps tabs on me. Arthur escaped Arkam just this month, and Harley sends me cards in the mail. You aren't safe." She gave him a look of pity. Her dad used that look on her mother right before double crossing her. Immediately, Grayson's sheilds were up.
"So they know you are here? You know where they are?" He stammered out.
"I don't know where they are. I mean I have a vague approximation of where mo- Harley is but Arthur is hypervigilint.
That's the second time she used that name. No one knew the Jokers name. Not him, not Bruce, not the FBI. Mabey it was only an allies or sydonyme, but It was the biggest lead to Jokers identity yet.
He figured Bruce was already searching every database at his disposal for any criminal named Arthur.
"Anyway, they find out I'm prancing around town with a billionaire's kid, you are as good as ransom. I can hear them now. 'Why kitten you've been holding out on us. Though you could keep the millions to yourself huh? Dontcha know you gotta pay back your old pals in show biz'" she imitated her father's cadence and did jazz hands when she said 'show biz'. Dick could hear Tim laughing over the ear peice, and a quiet 'I love her' giggled though by him in the receiver. As uncanny as the impression was, he felt a bit of comfort in that moment. She understood something not many people of the world could. Being tormented by the Joker as a child. This really fucked up situation gave them a sort of unbreakable understanding. He laughed a little suddenly before realizing how very inappropriate it was in that situation.
"Sorry," he looked down and cleared his throat, "you just caught me off gaurd there."
Lucy snorted, "It's fine. I guess luck would so have it that I developed a wicked sense of humor," she smiled rolling her eyes." She then hesitated before continuing, "I'll think about going to the Charity thing... as long as I can lay low, unless you changed your-"
"No! Of course you can come! Oh you are gonna hate my family they are insufferable sometimes!"Dick exclaimed grinning ear to ear. He could hear Tim protesting from the ear peice. He didn't care. He hugged Lucy and turned off the sound. When Lucy got ready for bed, he spoke into the wire "Hey I'm clocking out for the night. Don't wait up," he whispered into it before disconnecting it and leaving the two on the roof with radio silence.
#batman#batkids#bruce wayne#bruce#wayne#tim#drake#timedrake#tim drake#harley quinn#harley#lucy quinzel#lucy x dick#lucy#lucy flek#fanfiction#fanfic#tw ptsd
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lay down your weakness | jhs
pairing: hoseok x reader
genre: smut, angst, fluff here and there
au: bestfriend!hobi, friends to lovers (kind of)
word count: 6.5k
summary: Hoseok had imagined this moment more than enough times. Except in his head it took place somewhere more romantic than the back seat of his car and you always loved him back.
warnings: dom/sub themes, dom!hobi, sub!reader, hoseok is a sweetheart tho, dry humping, fingering, multiple orgasms, size kink, unprotected penetrative sex, semi public sex, possessiveness, but also kinda tender fucking, some dirty talk, creampie, pining and a whole lotta angst (i warned you.)
a/n: this fic is based on the song “howling” by RY X. i hope you enjoy! <3
playlist: visit my playlist page and select “lay down your weakness”. (links to be added later)
When Hoseok's phone vibrated on his night stand at an ungodly hour of the morning, his heavy eyes had widened at the sight of your name lighting up the screen.
He wasn't expecting you to call tonight. You'd texted him nearly eight hours ago -- not that he was counting or anything -- to tell him you were leaving for your date with some guy from one of your classes, even sending him a mirror picture to prove it that made his breath hitch when his eyes glossed over the black dress which hugged your figure just right.
You were always asking if you looked okay. He told you that you looked lovely. Even sent one of the silly little thumbs up emojis, as if to say go get your man like a supportive friend should.
But what he really wanted to say was that you looked perfect in that dress and that you would have no trouble catching Jungkook's eye looking like that. After all you managed to catch Hoseok's eyes in your sweats and one of his over sized jumpers playing games at midnight on his couch.
Except that is the exact opposite of what you're supposed to say to your best friend, so he swallowed the words like he always did.
Anyway, he'd turned in for an early night after that, hoping to get the image of Jungkook's hands stripping you out of that sinful dress out of his mind before it led to even more scandalous images of you without the dress, sat in Jungkook's lap and wishing it were him underneath you. His mind liked to taunt him, saying that it really could have been him if he hadn't left it too long to make a move, falling so deep into the friend zone that he knew there was no way back out.
So receiving a call from you this late at night surprised him to say the least.
Sleepy fingers fumbled to hit the green answer button before you rang off on the other end of the line, the selfie you had forced him to take way back when your hair was long and his hair was blonde that he had set as your contact picture disappearing, quickly replaced by the sounds of your sniffles crackling down the line and suddenly he was upright in bed.
"Can you come pick me up?"
"What happened?"
"Don't wanna talk about it." Another sniffle, Hoseok already throwing a hoodie over his pajamas.
"I'm on my way. Hang tight."
A pang of worry throbbed in his chest as he envisioned you stood shivering somewhere on the side of the road while he hastily shoved his feet into the first pair of shoes he found. Or at least that's what he told himself it was as he started his car, bumping up the heat for when you would slide into the seat next to him.
Because somewhere deep down, he knew the reason he was speeding down city roads at 01:37 as the dashboard clock liked to remind him, was simply because he wanted to be the one to tell you everything was going to be okay. A part of him was even a little glad that things hadn't worked out with Jungkook. And he hated himself for it.
It was like his eyes were alert to you, spotting your hunched figure leaning against a scuffed wall outside some scummy bar before he was even close enough to see the tears streaking your cheeks. You didn't give a little wave like you usually did when he pulled up, no coy smile making his heart do little flips, just that same pang of miserable sympathy in equal measure to his niggling guilt. Instantly he knew that this one was bad.
Still, he leaned across the center console and pushed the door open in a welcoming gesture for you to hop on in like he always did because you said it was gentlemanly and he was a sucker for praise when it came from you.
"Y/N?" He asked simply, expecting a hello or a reassuring smile at the least.
But when you slumped into the passenger seat, bare arms hugging your torso, he was met with nothing but a glum vacant stare.
While you usually seemed to fill the room with your presence, the way your eyes crinkled when you laughed or the way you hummed along to the radio under your breath enough to brighten his mood instantly like a perfect spell. Now you seemed small as you pressed your forehead to the window and watched the blurry orange glow of streetlights pass by with watery eyes.
The funny ache in his chest was back but this time it was an overwhelming longing to reach out and hold you, wipe away the tracks that stained your cheeks. But he feared that if he did you would shatter into a million pieces right in front of him so he tightened his grip on the steering wheel until the veins in his hands strained in the dark and focused his eyes on the road.
Unspoken words were thick in the air. Silence didn't usually bother him, not with you. You spent copious amounts of time in each others quiet company all the time. It was comforting.
Not this, though. Even the hum of the car engine and the click of the indicators seemed deafening. But he knew you well enough to know that pushing you to talk wouldn't make a difference and you'd let him in when you were ready. His job was just to be there when the time came, like a best friend should be.
Hoseok wasn't sure if he was supposed to be dropping you off at your place — honestly the thought of leaving you alone when you were still shaking with muffled sobs made him sick to his stomach — but it didn't feel right to take you back to his apartment either.
So he let the wheels of the car drive a journey every inch of which he had burned to memory, until he was pulling into the far most parking space in a darkened lot, otherwise vacant due to the hour, that overlooked the sea and the little slip of beach beside it.
All concerns were out of the window now. Hoseok didn't care if it was late and he should have been sleeping or that he was going to be tired at work tomorrow. This place was only called upon for special occasions. Or emergencies.
It was your place. Where the two of you came when you received good news or bad news; wanted to laugh or wanted to cry; when it was sunny or when it was raining; when you got your college acceptance letter or the day Hoseok's dog died to name a few.
Hoseok cut the engine, plunging you into complete silence, apart from the tranquil crash of waves which seemed to comfort you somewhat.
If he strained to look over he dashboard he could see the overgrown steps which led down onto the pebbled sand, water beyond it black with the reflection of the cloudy night sky, apart from a slither of moonlight which glistened across its surface.
Hoseok always thought it felt different here at night. Melancholy. You said you liked it better without the bustle of people — it was a popular spot for couples which always made Hoseok burn from the inside out with a yearning to hold your hand like they did — more so now it was just you and him and the rolling waves.
After a few long minutes of watching the tide, you finally permeated the hush with a shaky sigh.
Hoseok wanted to wrap you in his arms there and then like he usually would without hesitation. But something felt different so he refrained. Spoke tentatively instead. "Are you okay?"
You scoffed and he worried he'd said the wrong thing but then again it was the most he'd gotten out of you since you'd left the bar. "I'm pretty shit, actually."
Moonlight highlighted the way you threw your head back against the headrest in self reproach, pressing your knuckles to your eyes but failing to stop the fat tears that slipped out anyway.
Hoseok bit his lip. "Want to talk about it?"
"Turns out the date was just a stupid bet with one of his friends." Your laugh was hollow, shake of your head sorrowful. "We didn't even make it to movies before he was running off with some other girl he met at the bar"
Hoseok's heart shattered. He knew first hand how excited you had been for this stupid date; you'd been blabbing on about it all week. About how much you liked Jungkook. About how much he liked you.
"Fucking bastard." Hoseok gritted, fists clenching as he envisioned all the ways he could fuck up Jungkook's pretty face for making you hurt. "You're better than him, Y/N."
"But I'm not!" A hand slammed on the dashboard, making Hoseok jolt when your voice raised incredulously. "Jungkook was supposed to be the best thing that ever happened to me but he doesn't want me, Hobi. No one ever does."
I want you. The words died on his tongue before they could be spoken, Hoseok sucking in a breath as he mulled over something more appropriate instead.
"Don't be ridiculous," the anger lacing Hoseok's tone made you finally loll your head in his direction, taking in the way he tensed beneath your gaze. "Everybody wants you around here."
It was true, at least in Hoseok's eyes; he had to deal with sleazy men looking you up and down when you danced with him in a strictly PG fashion on nights out or the campus guys who always interrupted your conversations while you ate lunch together. Even he caught himself staring at you from time to time. Or all the time, actually.
"Then explain why I'm some fraternity joke, Hobi?" Tears were salty on your tongue, voice unnaturally croaky. "Twenty bucks was all I was worth."
Hoseok's hand flew out to squeeze your hand comfortingly before he could think better of it. When you didn't pull away he had to fight to string a sentence together, too caught up in the way your hand felt soft beneath his larger calloused one.
"You're worth so much more than that." His words were laced with a sincerity that made the hurt ache a little less. "Everything. To me."
You sniffed, lacing his fingers with yours and letting the drag of his thumb across your knuckles soothe the ache in your temples from the cheap alcohol at the bar and the tear in your heart.
"Sometimes I think that nobody will ever love me."
The confession lay heavy in the air, nearly making Hoseok choke, or perhaps that was the I LOVE YOU's which were fluttering against his ribs like a bird in a cage.
"You know that's not true." The words were hoarse, Hoseok barely able to think through the blood pounding in his ears when you rested your head on his shoulder. From this angle he could see the rise and fall of your chest, slightly calmer now. The lashes pressed to your cheeks which glistened with a dampness in the dim lighting. And the perfect curve of your lips which he could easily capture between his own if he just cupped your cheek and leaned down a little -- no, definitely not thoughts that you should be having about your best friend, especially not like this. Selfishness won out though as he still could not bare to push you away, pushing his face into your hair instead and chastising himself for savoring the moment.
"I love you." It was barely a whisper against your temple and it should have dissipated on his tongue like the sea foam below but the way you hugged your knees to your chest filled him with an unstoppable desperation to make your hurt go away, even if it would twist the ache in his own heart like the point of a knife.
Your sigh was soft. "Yeah, but not like that."
If only you knew...
A hard swallow, another twist of the knife. "How is it any different?"
You averted your gaze and every second that ticked by in silence made his pulse race. Until you were pulling his face into your hands carefully, eyes zoning in on his parted mouth determinedly and before he could question your intentions his lips were pressed against yours in a hard kiss that made his head spin with a lethal mixture of relief and infatuation.
The plushness of your lips was softer than anything he had ever imagined late at night while you slept in his bed and he slept on the couch. It was barely a delicate brush at first, warm breath mingling with his before your lips were molding to his like you knew them well.
The sour taste of vodka lingered on your tongue as it swiped languidly over his bottom lip and he was silently glad he brushed his teeth before picking you up, never expecting to have his mouth on yours ever let alone tonight of all nights.
You broke away with a gentle pressure on his chest, teeth sinking into his lower lip before letting it go with a barely audible pop. When your eyes fluttered open, Hoseok was stiff, lips slightly more swollen than before and you had to admit he looked good with his hair still tousled from sleep and his chest rising with labored breaths.
"That." You murmured, releasing his hand from yours to swing your leg over his lap, mounting yourself on his thighs and ignoring the way the steering wheel pressed into your back. Hoseok's legs parted instinctively. "You don't love me like that."
Hoseok couldn't help the way his breath hitched when your groin landed in his lap, a red flush creeping up his neck when he felt his own crotch begin to stir at the visual image -- his dreams literally coming true -- squeezing his eyes shut and focusing on his ragged breathing to stop himself filling out his pants and making things awkward between you.
"What are you doing?" It was all but a rasp, tongue snaking out to dampen his lips, head pounding with alarm bells which couldn't quite drown out the desire warming in his chest.
"You said that you love me..." His nod was violent, never an action more truthful. You noticed the way he trembled beneath you when your fingers trailed down the front of his hoodie, testing the waters. "Can I trust you to help me forget?"
He very nearly groaned when he felt your breath ghost hotly across his neck to whisper the insinuation into his ear with what you hoped sounded like confidence, seductiveness but what Hoseok recognised as torment and recklessness.
"You can always trust me." You knew he meant it, though you didn't know it stretched as far as this. Neither did he, usually confident in his own self control but not now, as you leaned down to capture his mouth for the second time and maybe the last for all he knew so why not at least try to enjoy it?
Except before your lips could touch and he knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself, Hoseok hesitated.
Deep down he knew that you didn't love him back, that this was the sadness or the alcohol or both talking and that he should tell you to think about if this is what you really wanted and drop you home instead. But the way you looked at him with a dark intensity, almost pleading, shattered and fragile, made him want to do whatever he could to put you back together. He knew that he could make you feel good, even if it would be a temporary reprieve and it would hurt him more in the long run.
But mostly, Hoseok was a selfish person. It was too tempting to let himself believe you wanted him truly in this moment. He was weak and he couldn't resist.
He leaned in a little closer, your foreheads touching. Dear god, he couldn't fight his thoughts, too enamored with the fact that you were really sat in his lap right now, the smell of the perfume he knew all too well overwhelming his senses.
"Okay." Was what his shaky voice managed to stutter. "If you're sure?"
"I'm sure." It was spoken against the corner of his mouth, your fists tangling in his hoodie and pulling him up to meet your mouth in a kiss more intense than the last that made you fizz with an excitement that dulled the hollowness because he was so so warm, pulling you from the cold water in which you drowned and keeping you afloat in his comforting embrace instead.
You kissed him like you always wanted to be kissed, with an urgency that told him how much you wanted -- needed -- to feel him everywhere, a burning in your lower belly that had you tangling your fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck, arching into his chest and seeking a further closeness.
It was hot and breathy and the most sensual sensation Hoseok had ever experienced when your tongue pressed against his with an electric curiosity, steeping him in a passion that set him alight, the flesh of his cheeks burning where your lips caressed them and where your exhales tickled his nose.
His hands hovered nervously over your body, not quite sure where they were supposed to go, and when you smirked into the kiss and pressed his hands firmly to your inner thighs, he quickly got to work rubbing circles into the bare skin which peeked out from beneath your dress. Even when a blush crept onto his cheeks as his fingers brushed the edge of your lace panties, making him forget how to move his lips for a second and clashing your teeth together awkwardly.
Hoseok still couldn't quite believe this was really happening and he mentally chastised himself for messing up. This had to be perfect. Something told him there wouldn't be an opportunity for a do over.
You didn't seem to care though, soft laughter tinkling into his mouth as you wrapped your arms around his neck and found his lips again in the darkness like a perfect puzzle piece. The sound was simultaneously the prettiest and the hottest thing he'd ever heard when it faded into a shallow whine when your clothed heat bumped against his hardness lightly.
"Shit, y/n." Even Hoseok couldn't curb the growl that left his throat when you started to grind in circles against his crotch, the agonizingly slow pace not helping the half hard situation he had going on.
By this point your panties were starting to stick to your folds, a lewd wet spot appearing on Hoseok's grey sweats where you tried to gain some friction on your swollen clit which throbbed for attention every time you felt his cock twitch through the fabric.
"You're so hot." He couldn't help it. The real thing was better than any of the ways he imagined you getting off above him when he was alone with his own hand wrapped around his cock.
The husk in his voice went straight to your heat. If the tent in his pants was anything to go by, his own hips stuttering up to meet the pace of your thrusts, Hoseok wanted you and the knowledge was enough to have you clutching at his hoodie strings, hole clenching for him to fill you up and make you feel whole again. Feel wanted.
Hot palms were kneading the flesh of your ass now, sliding beneath your dress until the fabric was bunched up around your waist. The way Hoseok's eyes widened at your black underwear was cute, distracting you from the reminder that you'd worn them especially for Jungkook. His mouth fell agape when you guided his hand underneath the waistband. "Like them?"
"Love them." He'd seen your underwear a few times before by accident, when you changed at his place and chucked one of his huge hoodies over top of your otherwise bare body, the image burned into his memory enough to get him hot and bothered, mouth dry as he remembered that this time it was a purposeful display, all for him.
The smirk on your lips was wiped away when the feeling of his hand cupping your mound made you whimper, skin on skin much better than the rough friction from his sweats.
Hoseok let out a gasp of his own when the pads of his fingers circled your hole teasingly, surprised to find your arousal already drenching his fingers and making his cock throb painfully against his pants but he wanted this to be about you so he kept his thighs firmly planted to the seat. The idea that it was him who got you so wet was enough to satisfy him anyway. He never thought he, your best friend, could have this sort of effect on you.
"P-please." Impatience was clouding your vision, falling forward to grip the car seat when Hoseok's knuckle dragged your arousal up your slit, brushing briefly across your swollen clit and making you jolt at the electric touch. "Need you so bad, Hobi."
The way you slurred over your words, eyes squeezed shut and chasing the feeling of fullness between your legs made him groan. Even more so the broken way his name escaped your lips, practically begging him to touch you. As much as he would have liked to tease, make you writhe and plead for his fingers, he was too curious to see how fast he could make you fall apart.
The pads of his fingers made quick work of your clit, rubbing fast circles into the bud which made you buck off his lap, head thrown back and exposing the expanse of your neck which Hoseok longed to mark up all nice and pretty and claim as his own but he knew you weren't his so he refrained.
The strangled noise which left you when he slipped his middle finger inside you, promptly followed by a second, nearly tipped him over the edge, clasping the base of his cock through his sweats before he blew his load right then and there at the sheer visual of you using his hand to fuck yourself nice and slow by bracing yourself on the seat behind him.
Not that he could really see much in the dark what with with your panties obscuring your core from view but the lewd squelch as he curled his fingers inside you and the shaky breaths next to his ear punctuated by a string of blissful moans was enough to have him palming himself a little too excitedly, momentarily losing sight of his guilt and succumbing to the moment.
"Mmf, Hoseok gonna cum." The warning only encouraged him more, his wrist snapping at a sinful pace while his thumb toyed with your clit, alternating applying a firm pressure and rubbing it back and forth when he felt it throb deliciously against the pad of his finger.
"Let me see you, baby." There was something about the way he coaxed you through your high, almost commanding as he challenged you to fall over the edge that made the coil in your stomach tighten and suddenly your vision was fading to black and you could barely hear his encouraging but authoritative rasps as your head lolled against the window. "Cum for me, that's it."
He watched with an apt fascination as you came around his fingers, like he'd never seen anything like it before; and it was true, Hoseok was sure you had never looked so pretty and he had never felt so alive as in this moment with you clenching around his fingers, the pretty sighs fogging up the glass all his doing.
The emptiness inside you was back when he slipped out his fingers and wiped them on his hoodie, careful not to stain you with any of your arousal when he wrapped you in his arms, hearts beating in time now.
You stayed like that for a few moments. Him rubbing soothing circles into your back and trying to comprehend what just happened, nerves kicking in at your silence. You breathing in the scent of his woody cologne as your breathing softened.
"Are you okay?" He finally whispered, unable to stop his thumb from tracing your bottom lip when you sat back to look at him, wide eyed and still shaking from the come down of your orgasm.
"Mhm." Your nod was tentative, a funny warmth spreading across your chest at the way his eyes lit up, giving away the grin he was biting his cheek to suppress. "Remind me again why we haven't done this before?"
He stiffened. Because this means more to me than you will ever know...
The tension creeping into the cracks between your bodies made you shift, surprised when you brushed over something which made Hoseok groan.
Adrenaline made you flush as you reached between your legs to grip him through his pants curiously.
"You're still hard." You bit your lip. It drove him crazy.
"Don't worry about me." His laugh was breathy but it faltered when you squeezed his length over the fabric. "I-I'm fine like this."
His cock felt huge in your grip and another bout of lust pooled in your stomach when you realised that you could just slide your panties to the side, loosen the strings of his sweats and easily ride him right there, sure that his girth would stretch you out just how you liked it. And maybe, just maybe, fill the emptiness for good.
"Wanna feel you, though. All of you." Hoseok felt himself melt at the pout on your lips, putty in your hands. Whatever you wanted he'd let you do it. Even if you still weren't his, he knew in that moment that he was irrevocably yours. "Please?"
Your hands found his waistband and he gripped your wrists firmly. You silently wondered what it would be like if he pinned them above your head and had his way with you. But then you caught his concerned expression.
"Are you sure about this? Once we do this we can't go back."
Hoseok still didn't let go after you gave an affirming nod, wanting verbal consent. "I want you, Hoseok."
You could tell that broke him by the fucked out look on his face.
Weak. He was weak when it came to you. And, as he was learning, weak for the way you shimmied his sweats around his thighs and whimpered when his girthy length slapped against the expanse of toned stomach which peeked from below his hoodie. You'd always expected him to be big, the one time you caught him sneaking out of bed after one of your movie nights with a loud and proud boner confirmation enough. But the real thing made you burn with a hunger to sink onto his already leaking cock.
Your small palm was cold when it finally wrapped around his throbbing cock, the sensation a euphoric relief from both the neglect and the years of lusting after this moment. He threw his arm over his eyes, losing himself to the sensation and letting his hips buck into your touch.
Now he was actually here he couldn't think of anything other than the slow slide of your palm down his length, how he wanted to husk that his cock was made for your hand but he knew it wasn't true so he pressed his lips together and listened to the sharp huffs of air which pushed through his nose with every twist of your palm around his engorged head.
"Wait!" Hoseok lurched forward suddenly, fingers digging into your shoulder, face buried and panting in your chest. "Gonna blow my load if you keep that up."
"You don't want to?"
Strands of his hair stuck to his damp forehead and he shook them out of his eyes. His sudden grip on your hips was bruising as he pulled you down into his lap, breath hot against your neck. "Wanna see you fall apart on my cock first."
Hoseok had no idea were the sudden surge of confidence came from. The hormones perhaps or maybe he was just like any other guy, losing himself once he got a hand around his cock. It definitely shouldn't have been the fact that he had his best friend, the girl of his dreams, in his lap and his head was swimming with thoughts of how right this felt even though it was supposed to be so wrong.
"Oh. O-okay." Your core was pulsing again, the authority in Hoseok's voice different from how you were used to. You were quickly realizing you liked the way he smirked when you writhed at his words and braced yourself on his shoulders to pull your panties to the side, ready to just sink down onto his cock then and there.
"Don't." It was firm, commanding. Made you shiver. "Back seat. Now."
You obeyed, practically throwing yourself through the gap in the seats with anticipation, missing Hoseok's warmth during your brief separation until he was hovering over you with a hunger in his eyes that took your breath away. Like he wanted to devour you completely. If he'd asked, you would have let him.
"T-take this off." You mumbled, tugging at the bottom of his hoodie which he pulled over his head with his t-shirt in tow. Hands instantly trailed up his chest, taking in the slight firmness of his shoulders in the dark, not quite remembering when your best friend gotten this broad. There was a pang in your chest. It felt safe here with him, like nothing was wrong with his strong form hovering over you.
By the time he was throwing the pile of fabric in the front seat you were working on your panties, Hoseok's eyes darkening with lust as he watched you kick them off and slide the thin straps of your dress down your arms.
The night air was cool against your nipples, making you gasp. It was a small bliss but you were thankful you didn't wear a bra when Hoseok's bare chest pressed against you skin on skin, instantly warming you.
The drum in Hoseok's chest intensified when he took in your bareness for the first time. His imagination had done no justice. He wanted to commit every inch of you to memory; the perfect swell of your breasts, each soft rise and fall of your chest, soft thighs squeezing around his waist as he gripped the flesh of your ass with a roughness he could no longer curb. Skin warm and flushed and shivering lightly with every delicate touch of his fingers, hair fanned out on the seat like a halo.
Hoseok wanted to say that you were perfect, that he felt like the luckiest man on the planet right now with you laughing at him breathily from where you hid self consciously behind your fingers, a shyness he didn't understand when you looked like this.
He wanted to say that he loved you. To open the car window and scream it into the salty air so that every crashing wave and every grain of sand and every droplet of rain which had started to best down on the car knew it.
But the words wouldn't come so he simply placed a careful kiss to your cheek, roaming downwards and mumbling against your jaw. "Don't hide from me."
The dip of your collar bones proved too enticing to resist, his lips attacking the slightly damp skin and sucking harshly until you were left with a plethora of purple bruises across your neck, the way his teeth grazed your flesh and his tongue laved the burn making your core ache. It was passionate and hungry but somehow tender, as if he wanted to worship every inch of you.
"Hoseok!" You gasped when he found the sweet spot behind your ear as easily as if he had done it a million times before. Like he knew it was there. "What are you doing?"
"Mine." The single word was growled against your jaw line as Hoseok pressed a series of kisses up to your chin, skipping your lips when they parted in waiting in favor of leaving another pretty bruise on the opposite side of your neck. "You hear me? All mine."
Maybe you were lost to the moment or maybe Hoseok's possessive side was the reason your heart started to race, moaning unabashedly now. "Y-yours! I'm yours."
Hoseok couldn't tell if the words went straight to his heart or to his rock hard cock.
Something inside him snapped and he just couldn't hold back any longer, hands running up and down your sides as he kissed down to your breasts, taking a nipple into the heat of his mouth and smirking when you arched into the touch. "Look at you, getting all worked up from just my mouth."
Hands spread your legs roughly and you were at his mercy, enjoying the way he hummed in admiration at your glistening folds.
"All for you." You breathed, believing your words wholeheartedly.
Hoseok's fingers found your sticky clit, stroking with his fingertips lightly. "All for me." He flushed with pride.
"Please fuck me now."
The words he'd always imagined spilling from your lips, breathier in real life he noted. It made him wonder how the other three more sentimental words he wanted to hear would sound.
"Since you asked so nicely." Nerves wracked Hoseok's frame when he realised that this was actually happening, hands shaking as he gripped the base of his cock to line it up with your clenching entrance.
When he finally pushed inside, your warmth swallowing his cock until his hips were flush to yours, it felt like you were finally whole.
The stretch burned, but it soon faded to something close to bliss as you felt every inch of his cock drag against your velvety walls, the head hitting so deep inside you that each thrust took your breath away. It grazed your sweet spot just right, like your bodies were made for one another.
Hoseok didn't give you much time to adjust, wanting to see the way your face twisted with every thrust. Wanting to see how quickly his cock could reduce you to a fucked out mess. "Bet he couldn't fuck you like this."
"W-What?"
"Jungkook." Hoseok licked his lips, trying not to cum when his words made you clench around his sensitive cock. "You were made to take my cock."
"Fuck, Hoseok."
You followed his gaze to where his length slipped out of you, glistening with your arousal, Hoseok running the head through your slit to nudge your clit before it was disappearing into your entrance again. "Look at you, taking my cock so well, hm?"
"Yours." Tears sprung at the corners of your eyes, overwhelmed by the fullness and his sinful mouth. "Only yours."
"Bet he feels so fucking stupid for missing his chance to feel this pretty pussy."
Arms wrapped around his neck, fingers cupping his face and slotting your lips together. Your eyes were shut and it was almost instinctive — did he lean in or did you? — expressing how much you wanted him and how good he was making you feel with a long press to his puckered mouth that felt like rain on a hot summer evening, water breaking a dam. Relief. Like falling into one another's skin.
And every time your hips met skin on skin and you sighed into his mouth, Hoseok felt his heart swell. Even with the expletives slipping past his lips every now and again, he fucked you with a fondness that consumed every inch of his being, one which he felt when he saw you from across the room or when you turned up at his door unexpectedly in the middle of the night.
Love. He hoped you could feel it with every roll of his hips because he couldn't make the words come out.
Then you were reaching a second high, eyes rolling back and soft mewls of overstimulation caressing his ears as you clenched impossibly tight around him and he fell over the edge alongside you, face falling into the crook of your neck as he coated your walls.
In the few moments after, with you pulling him close and his chest pressed to yours, he could feel your erratic heart beat against his skin; and Hoseok swore the final pieces of his own heart fluttered straight out of his chest and into your palms.
Just you, him, and the rolling waves that swelled and crashed achingly in time with every pump of his heart.
But all good things have to end eventually. It was late. You were tired. He had work in the morning. You weren't in love.
There were tissues in the glove box and he helped you clean up, pulling his hoodie over your head when you started to shiver. If you closed your eyes and breathed in his scent it was like his arms were still around you. Hoseok never complained when his own arms prickled with a chill at the loss of your warm body pressed to his.
Then your head was on his shoulder again, both arms wrapped around his waist as you gazed off across the ocean, breathing soft with a hazy smile resting on your lips. The you he was used to back somewhat, if he ignored how much better he knew you now than ever before.
"I love you, you know." Hoseok sounded choked. He didn't mean to.
"I know." A few beats of silence. "Thank you. For making me feel better."
His inhale was shaky as he brushed a few strands of hair from your face, unable to stop the corners of his lips turning up when you glanced up at him through your lashes even despite the hollowness in his chest. "How about I take you to see that movie instead, huh?"
"I'd like that."
And for a blissful moment Hoseok thought that things might be different now.
He clung to that maybe for the short drive home and while he carried your sleeping form into your apartment, letting himself in with the spare key he kept on his keychain and when he tucked you into bed with your shoes placed neatly beside the door.
He believed it even harder when you gave him a sleepy kiss goodbye.
And even when you sent him a mirror picture nearly a week later and he said you looked lovely like he always did while he hoped and he hoped that your date with Park Jimin would be as disastrous as the last, he maintained a slither of hope.
Because one thing would never be different: Hoseok was weak when it came to you.
#btssmutclub#bts smut#hoseok smut#bts#hoseok fanfiction#hoseok angst#bts fanfic#bts fanfiction#bts imagine#hoseok imagine#bts scenario#hoseok scenario#kwordsmiths#btswriterscollective#<3 love
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Maybe y’all will hate me for this, I’m all for women’s rights and the Me Too movement but has it maybe taken a turn it shouldn’t have? I can already feel the hatred
Just in the past couple weeks I’ve seen at least 3 “predators/rapists exposed”, and after looking into it I saw no predatory behavior to expose that was given. And people are losing their shit over this “cancelation?” The evidence for this one? “Had a minor backstage”...you think that didn’t and doesn’t currently happen with idk, every Disney star EVER and boy band on the radio? I’m sure a portion of Billie Eilish fans who’s parents buy backstage passes are REAL young, is she cancelled too? Since when does having a minor in your presence = any type of sexual behavior? This allegation causally mentions “backstage minor” and quickly moves to “predator” with no cohesion there. Since when does an adult simply being around a minor automatically make you guilty of doing sick shit? The “evidence” shown was pretty pathetic: cropped and blocked out texts with no name as to who it’s from, no name but said star predator, no time stamp or date, no pics, no voice memos, no emails, no proof of any kind that there was any truth to the claims, no detail, no real allegation actually even made from what I saw. Unless the “so and so did this” part was in invisible ink. I could literally google the date of a ‘insert famous person here’ concert or general tour dates, and do the same with a texting app or with someone else’s phone. This is an Accusation on someone of a serious sex crime on the sole basis maybe 5 texts, some of which are hidden, and ALL of which are anonymous, detail no criminal activity, are never worth ending or attempting to make sure someone’s career over.
Another one I saw was an explanation that another social media person made a somewhat crude comment/gusture towards a woman he knew but wasn’t super familiar with. One time, no actual touching. He was later told by a friend “not cool, other lady friend did not like”, he did as he should have and apologized, and it didn’t happen again- admittedly on both sides. The two girls told him everything was cool and okay, no harm no foul, don’t worry about it. It didn’t happen again and the friendship continued. Days later, “evidence” comes out from one of them citing him as a sexual predator for this situation. This incident. Yeah, it’s not cool to get in peoples space or compliment them in certain ways if your friendship is not on that level and it hasn’t been established. That I agree with, that it simply wasn’t very polite, but a) no one was actually touched physically in anyway and b) the “crude” comment from my understanding was about an outfit fitting her well or being firm fitting. Yeah, that might make ya feel a lil icky, but there was no sexual suggestion or threat. There’s a huge difference between unwanted attention and sexual harassment. Someone else later gets involved but says she’s “not comfortable/willing to discuss” but still insists he’s a predator but doesn’t show a single shred of any involvement or information. If I was these people being falsely accused, getting death treats and doxxed, and ultimately, “cancelled”/therefore loss of income possibly long term , with basically no evidence or someone saying shit like “yes, that’s a predator. Nobody gets to know why I’m saying that though. I don’t want to relive it, my bad. You horrible people need to stop supporting this sex offender!” I’d be sueing the shit out of someone and everyone for slander. Like this is unreal to me. It really blows my mind.
Before you message me hateful shit, hear me out. I’m not saying these guys are stand up, amazing, perfectly well behaved dudes. I’m not saying they’ve never done anything predatory or wrong before in their lives or careers. Lord knows narcissistic and higher than thou types run entertainment. I’m sure they all got their attitude and behavioral problems. I’m just saying the info I just read and described is almost nothing being real generous, no rational person sees that and labels someone a sex offender. You’re accusing someone of a very serious crime, in a lot of cases a fat ole felony, being a RSO list sometimes for a lifetime. Bill Cosby? Deserve it. Weinstien? Deserve it. Epstein? Deserved to be under the jail. I understand there’s not always physical evidence, or maybe there’s not enough to build a case/a case is unwanted by victim. Some say they want people to know and be warned. If that’s what you truly want, you truly truly are trying to protect others, go in 150%. Everything you got. But when this person publicly and openly calling someone out by name for being a “rapist/sexual predator”, absolutely dragging them thru the mud, and the reasoning, the justification for this is that he was dating other women? nah sis. That’s not how this works, getting played, while scummy, is NOT RAPE/SEXUAL ASSAULT/etc. (*this is excluding things that don’t apply to this particular story like recanting consent or knowingly passing on an STI) So sure, he’s a probably a POS, clearly unloyal, he’s maybe learned the art of sweet talkin his way into this one way monogamous relationship, and I frankly wouldnt feel bad if one of those girls who got played popped 3 of his tires, bought a fuck ton of spiders and sneak them into his bedroom or something. But not jail or prison. What he did (unless other info comes out) isn’t something to be uplifted or encouraged, it’s poor, unfair behavior. But what he did is not CRIMINAL. It’s just shitty and inconsiderate. And I know y’all are reading this thinkin “fuck this bitch”, making assumptions before you read a fraction of what I’m saying.
So let me explain a situation I was accidentally involved in a few years ago with someone who was “famous” around those parts and had lots of fans and groupies. Let’s call him “Lee”. Long story short, a friend and I were with him and different other people basically from like 8-9 pm to around 4 am. He was alone (out of my sight) only 3 times: once to use the bathroom at my friends before leaving, once in the men’s bathroom at a club, and for maybe 5 minutes when I had to change at my friends place before going back over. They lived in the same complex and stuff so it was basically throwing on some sweats and taking an elevator down. We hangout, drink, smoke, talk. Lowkey, chill.
I wake up the next day, someone texted me this link about “Lee” raping a girl. I’m thinking “holy shit, that’s scary and insane, we were just with him last night drinking and shit.” Keep reading...it says it was the night before. Same date we were with him. And the time the assault supposedly took place was when we had come back to his place, where other people were already there, we were sitting there forever talking/whatever, this girl who pointed the finger was not even in the room and left before we did. She poked her head in once and asked where Lee’s roommate was. He told her cookout, it’s late so it’ll be a minute. Asked her if she wanted to hang out with us. She declined. So I figured maybe this info was wrong somehow and at the time I wasn’t making the connection between that girl and this story. I was like, no way a girl would lie about that of all things and especially knowing it’d likely get picked up by the local media, or at least local gossip. Her life here would be over. My friend and I decided to go talk to the police even though I avoid the damn police at all costs. The first thing I asked this officer was: “are you POSITIVE this is the date, place, and time, and are you POSITIVE “Lee” is who she is accusing?” And I asked that mostly because I was not about to defend or vouch for someone about a situation I wasn’t present for. Also, I wasn’t the biggest fan of “Lee”, so I sure as shit I wasn’t getting myself involved and going to bat for him without knowing it’s right. The Officer was very adamant that all that info was correct, victim was very sure. I explained to him everything I explained above, but I’m sure in better detail and included texts, pics, videos all with times, plus receipts showing how this isn’t adding up. He wasn’t alone the entire night and early morning. Officer ask me if she (the victim) was visiting a roommate of Lee’s, if they were sleeping together during her visit, I told him the truth which was that I didn’t really know for sure but it was a possibility. He told me somebody else had claimed she was no longer welcome for unknown reasons and believed this to be be related. I explain to the officer that I won’t speak on her time with the roommate because I saw her only long enough for her to ask a question and respond to another. Before she peeped out the door, I had no clue anyone was in there. I said I think she told me her name but I’m awful with names even sober so. He started getting kinda hostile and cutting me short. I repeated exactly what I told him the first time: I’m only speaking on what I witnessed and what I know to be true. So, if you and she are correctly reciting the time, place, person being accused, this accusation is untrue. He first makes a bitchy threat like “you know these girls who lie for these athlete boys can really get in trouble? They all end up broke after the NFL anyway if they even make it. Lying for a friend is illegal, that’s breaking the law and will get YOU in jail.” I lost all my fear of speaking to a police officer at this point because they KNOW this man did not just call me a liar to my face despite my 1:2 of the evidence already fucking up this accusation. I told him that I honestly wasn’t a fan either professionally or personally of “Lee” and I would lie for no one regardless of friendship or status about this, I’d turn in my own flesh and bloood brother and sing like a bird if I caught him doing any sex offender shit. So again, I told this slow man with 2 braincelle this was the reason I asked about how sure he was and he believed the victim was, on the time, place, person, etc. Officer says something along the lines of “well, something happened to this girl and this boy’s gonna be hurtin for it. Someone’s getting charged here.” Which I dunno bout y’all, maybe I’m reading it wrong. But What I gathered from that is: “I’ve decided to be judge and jury in this situation and moreorless declare this young man guilty despite evidence in front of my own eyeballs that shows that there is a good chance the accused is innocent.
I have no idea why this happened. But after we spoke to that dickhead cop it was dropped relatively quickly. I don’t remember now if she pulled the charges herself or the state denied to prosecute. And even still, this followed him. The internet is forever. When his great grandkids google his college career, that will show up. Please keep in mind this was a black athlete, playing ball for a big college in the south, with a white girl accuser, all the cops I saw at that station were white in the short time I was there and at least the one I spoke to had his mind made up. He was loud and clear about that. He said basically the same to my friend who was interviewed separately, that he was determined to convict him, he was “the one”. This city I’m speaking of has been sued for police brutality against BPOC and I’ve heard my friends/classmates getting called the N word (hard ER) in the broad, open day light. So yeah add that info in with the rest and come to your own conclusion.
Before anyone comes for my throat again: idk exactly what DID happen but I know what DID NOT. Which to be clear, is pretty specifically: this rape with this person, did not happen here and at this time. So I’m not saying something didn’t happen but under different circumstances. I know trauma can mess with memories and if something did happen under different circumstances, I am so sorry that happened to her, I wouldn’t wish sexual assault on my worst enemy. I’m also not saying she necessarily had ill intentions or knew it would proceed and go viral as it did. The point is I just don’t know, no clue. Not throwing any blame or shade her way, all blame and shade on that cop though. ACABs, no excuse for his ass.
Anyway, y’all don’t gotta believe this since it’s been a few years and I highly doubt that stuff is anywhere in my phone like 4 iPhones and two laptops later. No reason to front, I don’t gain anything by lying but a guilty conscience. But this scenario that I btw, very much did not wish to be a part of, showed me another side of things. Can we agree to yes of course, trust and support women but also trust evidence and testimony? While, yes, stats show few women lie about this, can we at the same time understand questioning and thoroughly investigating such a heinous crime? Can we also recognize the system is literally built to “serve & protect” some by severely and systematically oppressing others? There are people, too many damn people, who have lost absolutely everything, served major time in big boy maximum security 23-1s, and have been put to death, based on biases and little to no evidence.
Next time you see an accusation, regardless of what it is, please do a little research. Make your own conclusion. Put yourself in their shoes, would you want to be “convicted” (either legally or through SM bullshit) on a snip it of convo with almost no information/context? Called a rapist cause you led someone on? No. You wouldn’t. Actually for any crime for that matter. You would reasonably ask and expect for it to be fair, two sided, and with as much evidence or info as possible. So let’s treat musicians, athletes, influencers, celebs the same way. Let’s not condemn before gathering as much information as possible. If not, I am so afraid we will drive an innocent person to suicide. We would all feel so guilty if someone was driven to suicide over false or misleading statements. Let’s avoid this, please.
#2020#people aint gon like this one#assault#SA#metoo#accusations#incarceration#also most importantly ACABs
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More requests
200 things you can put in my ask
200: My crush’s name is:
Beeb
199: I was born in:
A hospital
198: I am really:
Quiet
197: My cellphone company is:
Nonexistent
196: My eye color is:
Ugly
195: My shoe size is:
Nine something
194: My ring size is:
No idea
193: My height is:
Smol
192: I am allergic to:
Tangerines and mildly to watermelon
191: My 1st car was:
A PoS
190: My 1st job was:
Stressful
189: Last book you read:
Can't recall
188: My bed is:
Too small
187: My pet:
Stinks
186: My best friend:
The bestest
185: My favorite shampoo is:
Nice smelling
184: Xbox or ps3:
PC Master race
183: Piggy banks are:
Cute
182: In my pockets:
Lint
181: On my calendar:
Nothing
180: Marriage is:
Lovely
179: Spongebob can:
Live in my closet
178: My mom:
Is loud
177: The last three songs I bought were?
Bought?
176: Last YouTube video watched:
Some ASMR
175: How many cousins do you have?
Lots
174: Do you have any siblings?
Yes
173: Are your parents divorced?
They never married
172: Are you taller than your mom?
Lolno
171: Do you play an instrument?
No
170: What did you do yesterday?
Haphazardly made an avatar
[ I Believe In ]
169: Love at first sight:
Sure
168: Luck:
Kinda
167: Fate:
Kinda
166: Yourself:
Sure
165: Aliens:
Yes
164: Heaven:
No
163: Hell:
No
162: God:
No
161: Horoscopes:
They're fun to entertain
160: Soul mates:
Yes
159: Ghosts:
In one form or another
158: Gay Marriage:
Absolutely
157: War:
I believe it's a thing but it shouldn't be
156: Orbs:
Dust mote or bug
155: Magic:
It's fun to entertain
[ This or That ]
154: Hugs or Kisses:
Both
153: Drunk or High:
Latter
152: Phone or Online:
Both
151: Red heads or Black haired:
Both
150: Blondes or Brunettes:
Both
149: Hot or cold:
Cold
148: Summer or winter:
Winter
147: Autumn or Spring:
Autumn
146: Chocolate or vanilla:
Chocolate
145: Night or Day:
Night
144: Oranges or Apples:
Apples
143: Curly or Straight hair:
Both
142: McDonalds or Burger King:
Burger King
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate:
Dark chocolate
140: Mac or PC:
PC master race
139: Flip flops or high heals:
Thongs
138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor:
For what?
137: Coke or Pepsi:
Bepsis
136: Hillary or Obama:
Ew
135: Burried or cremated:
Cremated
134: Singing or Dancing:
Neither
133: Coach or Chanel:
What?
132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks:
Who?
131: Small town or Big city:
Either
130: Wal-Mart or Target:
I don't have a preference
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler:
Neither
128: Manicure or Pedicure:
Neither
127: East Coast or West Coast:
I'm quite literally in the middle
126: Your Birthday or Christmas:
Christmas
125: Chocolate or Flowers:
Both
124: Disney or Six Flags:
Both
123: Yankees or Red Sox:
Neither
[ Here’s What I Think About ]
122: War:
Unfortunate but never going away
121: George Bush:
Don't care
120: Gay Marriage:
Yes
119: The presidential election:
Never fails to be a shit show
118: Abortion:
Yes
117: MySpace:
That still exists?
116: Reality TV:
Rarely watched
115: Parents:
Love one, don’t care about the other
114: Back stabbers:
Go away
113: Ebay:
Rarely used
112: Facebook:
Trying to get back into for group shenanigans and related fun
111: Work:
Tiring
110: My Neighbors:
Nice besides one
109: Gas Prices:
Need to be free
108: Designer Clothes:
I don't pay attention to labels
107: College:
Used to be required, now a breeding ground for stupidity
106: Sports:
No interest
105: My family:
Eh
104: The future:
Hopefully better
[ Last time I ]
103: Hugged someone:
Eons ago
102: Last time you ate:
Couple hours ago
101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile:
If I did I didn't notice them
100: Cried in front of someone:
See 103
99: Went to a movie theater:
I don't recall the date
98: Took a vacation:
Not that long ago
97: Swam in a pool:
See 103
96: Changed a diaper:
See 103
95: Got my nails done:
Never happened
94: Went to a wedding:
See 103
93: Broke a bone:
Never happened
92: Got a peircing:
See 103
91: Broke the law:
Good while ago
90: Texted:
Like a second ago
[ MISC ]
89: Who makes you laugh the most:
Bae
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is:
My bed
87: The last movie I saw:
I don't recall the title, I have a terrible memory
86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most:
Bae
85: The thing im not looking forward to:
Flying
84: People call me:
Weird
83: The most difficult thing to do is:
Math
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket:
Never
81: My zodiac sign is:
Ratto
80: The first person i talked to today was:
Cat
79: First time you had a crush:
Some short asshole
78: The one person who i can’t hide things from:
Bae
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking:
See above
76: Right now I am talking to:
See above
75: What are you going to do when you grow up:
Go to Neptune
74: I have/will get a job:
Yes
73: Tomorrow:
Work
72: Today:
Live stream
71: Next Summer:
Work
70: Next Weekend:
Work
69: I have these pets:
Cat
68: The worst sound in the world:
A yowling feline
67: The person that makes me cry the most is:
Idk
66: People that make you happy:
Bae
65: Last time I cried:
I've answered this
64: My friends are:
Bae
63: My computer is:
Needing replacement parts soon
62: My School:
Long gone
61: My Car:
Junk
60: I lose all respect for people who:
Pull double standards
59: The movie I cried at was:
Idk
58: Your hair color is:
Ugly
57: TV shows you watch:
None atm
56: Favorite web site:
Youtube? I dunno, they're scummy but I still watch vids on them.
55: Your dream vacation:
Northern lands or land of the rising sun with bae
54: The worst pain I was ever in was:
Past deep depression
53: How do you like your steak cooked:
Med-rare
52: My room is:
Small
51: My favorite celebrity is:
Nigel John Dermot Neill
50: Where would you like to be:
Somewhere north
49: Do you want children:
Maybe
48: Ever been in love:
Yes
47: Who’s your best friend:
Bae
46: More guy friends or girl friends:
Does it matter?
45: One thing that makes you feel great is:
Full tum
44: One person that you wish you could see right now:
Bae
43: Do you have a 5 year plan:
I'd like to
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die:
Not a physical one
41: Have you pre-named your children:
No
40: Last person I got mad at:
Some dumbarse discord drama
39: I would like to move to:
See 50
38: I wish I was a professional:
Skydiver
[ My Favorites ]
37: Candy:
Blue raspberry/apple jolly rancher
36: Vehicle:
1970 volkswagen beetle
35: President:
Theodore Roosevelt
34: State visited:
None
33: Cellphone provider:
Why are people shilling for cellphone providers?? Is this a new zoomer thing? wtf
32: Athlete:
None
31: Actor:
See 51
30: Actress:
Sigourney Weaver
29: Singer:
Till Lindemann
28: Band:
Long ass list
27: Clothing store:
Stop shilling for corps
26: Grocery store:
See above
25: TV show:
None atm
24: Movie:
See above
23: Website:
See above
22: Animal:
Shark, rat, birbs
21: Theme park:
Idk
20: Holiday:
Halloween
19: Sport to watch:
None
18: Sport to play:
None
17: Magazine:
None
16: Book:
None atm
15: Day of the week:
Thursday
14: Beach:
None
13: Concert attended:
Ozzfest
12: Thing to cook:
Omelette, soup, noodles
11: Food:
See above
10: Restaurant:
Idk
9: Radio station:
See above
8: Yankee candle scent:
What?
7: Perfume:
None
6: Flower:
Rose, Iris
5: Color:
Black, gray, purple, blue, white
4: Talk show host:
Idk
3: Comedian:
Bill Hicks
2: Dog breed:
Mop dog
1: Did you answer all these truthfully?
Ye
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@distressed-ravenclaw replied to your post “idk but saying “we been knew” to someone’s coming out story feel kinda...”
You're 100 % correct he literally said don't say we been you it makes you a piece of shit it doesn't matter if you think it's obvious, what matter is someone having the bravery to come out. Like people who turn around and go we totally knew already omg my ship is sailing really need to just...not??? Like it's unnecessary, it's an invasion of privacy, it's disrespectful and he explicitly said please don't?? Like y'all ain't fans youre just creepy (1/2)
And fetishizing someone for being queer is beyond wrong and does nothing to make society more accepting, if anything it makes stuff worse bc the queer community becomes even more sexualised (also sorry for this rant I have many feelings but basically you're totally valid and correct)
i need to stress this: i made the original post before i watched the video (still haven’t, i want to be more awake and less vulnerable when i get the chance to watch it!) but i’m glad i made the post because it truly is so so so scummy to say such a thing. i now wish i replied within the tumblr reply system so y’all could’ve seen some of my initial replies haha, but basically, i just think that someone coming out is in my opinion, a very intimate, scary, vulnerable experience. and something i feel you would only do if you trust that person. and i feel like saying ‘we been knew’, no matter how obvious they made it, is downplaying the entire situation and extremely disrespectful and rude. (just check my replies tag, i was more coherent then, it’s like 6am now.)
and i definitely agree with the fetishising part. before he even came out, i feel like some ‘fans’ were sexualising a very close male friendship, and that has always felt skeevy to me. like on video, they’ve reacted to like tumblr posts, fic, etc, and i feel like that’s only the tip of the iceberg, they’re extremely popular individuals, i can’t imagine the things they have to see. i really wish these ‘fans’ would realise that dan is a real person, and his queerness is not something that’s malleable or belongs to the ‘fans’ or was in any way influenced by their shipping. it doesn’t matter if ‘your ship has sailed’, keep that to yourself. what matters is that he was comfortable and brave to come out on his own terms. and if he explicitly mentioned that he does not want you to invade his and phil’s privacy, or to speculate, the least you can do is respect his decisions. (and no worries about the rant, i feel like i responded with an even longer rant and i’m sorry if this is in any way incoherent, i’m very tired.)
#distressed-ravenclaw#replies#i feel like i've been repeating these points over and over#if this is incoherent forgive me!#feel free to dm me too!
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🌻
Let me tell you whatever the fuck I want.
I love debating, as I’ve mentioned before, so let’s talk about something in connection to that!
Gish Galloping is something you’ve probably seen in arguments before, or unfortunately have had done to you. This is when, in an argument, someone will try to overwhelm their opponent with arguments rather than actually try to argue about the original topic. It’s basically trying to overload someone with statements that they have to refute rather than letting them actually talk, which makes it a really sleazy trick in debating.
Think of it as kind of like forcing someone into a panic attack by overstimulating them. By repeatedly barraging someone with questions and accusations- you make someone panic so they start spouting things out to make their opponent be quiet and to defend themselves. As a result the person being attacked can end up looking like the ‘childish’ one for ‘not being able to handle a debate’. This is a trick generally used to make people look like fools, as they tend to repeat themselves more often and yell more, as well as just openly panic or cry. It can also be used in court to make someone talk, as when someone is panicking they tend to not think the clearest and can end up giving away information that they otherwise would have kept secret. You can see prosecutors doing this a lot, as this is a trick which makes people just say whatever to get out of the conversation faster, which sometimes means just agreeing with whatever someone says to make them shut up. Hence why people that do it are generally regarded as assholes, or just overall disgusting people.
Under the cut, but I also wanna take a small swing at who out of the main 3 games could probably do it well. Not including the anime or UDG just because I don’t think I’m too well versed in those to answer them well.
DR.1
Naegi: Naegi’s more of a “find the flaws” kind in debating. He’d look for faults in statements rather than trying to subdue his opponent. That and I don’t think he just has the heart in him to be so ruthless lmao. So no, he can’t do it.Sayaka: I want to say that she can’t do it the best. She’s prolly had to fight tooth and nail for her status as an idol, meaning she can take it really well, but she prolly can’t dish it out. While again, having to fight for her job, I don’t think this is a trick she would have probably used.Leon: This guy is one that would be gish galloped easily. Not a good debater, just because he doesn’t really have the type of motivation to argue with someone about anything because why would he when he’s right? lmao.Chihiro: Bruh Chihiro can’t hurt anyone’s feelings, so why do you think Chihiro would ever gish gallop? How dare you.Mondo: Mondo can’t debate for his life without getting pissed off when someone uses words that make them sound smart. He’s not a talking type of guy, so he prolly can’t do it.Celes: She could do it. Probably only to people that haven’t spent years looking at a dictionary, but she has a sharp tongue that she actually does try to use in the trial! Hence by bringing up subjects like the camera or the times- she’s purposefully trying to lead people off track with these kinds of questions. She doesn’t do it quickly enough for it to work well, but she tried and I’ll give her that.Ishimaru: Any form of dishonest debate probably riles him up to no end, and the idea of overwhelming a person rather than truly debating with them is not something he likes. He hates the idea, and even though he’s loud and passionate he’d never try to overwhelm someone with information. Hifumi: I could see him do it about anime, but not anything serious. Like, if he knows he’s getting outplayed in an anime debate, he’d ask shit about weird filler episodes or bg characters just to make someone look like a fool. Sakura: She’s honorable as fuck, and while I believe she’d stand up for what she believes is true, wouldn’t be one to debate on what idea is truly ‘right’ in a sense. So no, she wouldn’t do it either.Mukuro: Considering how stone cold she can be, I wanted to say yes, but I also remember she can’t talk for shit. She’d prolly just stab someone rather than debate with them, so no, gish galloping is not her strong suit.Junko: Considering her talent, she could do it with ease and know exactly what to say to make someone just the absolute right amount of pissed off.Togami: He could do it. He would do it and use a big vocab to make someone really pissy too, because he’s that type of guy. Aoi: She’s not a debater, so no, I don’t think so. And she’s too nice, because even tho she can’t debate she’d want to use facts! Playing w/ someone’s feelings is mean.Fukawa: No, because why would she debate with people? They already hate her, so fuck their opinions, why should she care?Sho: Also no, she much like Mukuro, is the stabby type. Not because she can’t talk, but she just hates sitting around doing nothing when she could be stabbing a hot guy.Kirigiri: She could do it, I definitely believe she could, but she wouldn’t because it doesn’t line up with her morals.Hagakure: I could see him doing it to dodge having to pay some debt. Instead of topics related to the debate at hand he’d just ask shit like how the weather is or something until he annoys the other person so much he makes them yell at him to go away. He’s the Bugs kinda guy, “rabbit season duck season” kinda tactic.
SD.R2
Hinata: ERRrr no. He’s stubborn and sassy, but he’s not like, actively gunna go out of his way to do that to people. He’s just a normal dude, honestly he’d hate to argue w/ some ultimates that way. Souda: Nope. He has it done to him more than anything, and his tongue gets too tied for him to really debate well either. Have you seen him argue? dude just can’t.Gundam: He’d probably end up doing it to someone accidentally, like just by being himself with his speaking style and everything he could probably just naturally overwhelm someone that way. lol.Sonia: She could, just because as a princess she was probably told to look out for that kinda thing by reporters or interviewers or people, but she wouldn’t do it because it’s a dirty trick.Twogami: Despite his attitude, I don’t think so. Twogami’s just too nice to actually do that to someone, lmao.Ibuki: Nah. She’s too nice to do it intentionally, but I could see her doing it accidentally to someone just by being her hyperactive self.Saionji: Yes. She would do it just because it makes people panic. Can’t fight back if they can’t speak right? Mikan: I want to say that she could, but unless she was playing her cards right she wouldn’t be able to. Her nature gets in the way of it, just because she stutters so often, but considering everything else I do believe she has the potential to.Teruteru: Can’t. He wants to say he can, but he can’t. He’s too softhearted to do something like that, and even if he tried he’d be bad at it. Akane: Also can’t, just because she’s a punch first kind rather than debate kind.Chiaki: Too tired to debate, but she’d not be the best considering her slow speaking style. That kinda debate doesn’t jive w/ her well anyways.Komaeda: He’d do it. 100% he’d do it only to test out everyone’s skills as ultimates just because they’d be able to overpower the despair of his trashy conversation skills.Fuyuhiko: He probably could, but he’d rather fight out a problem than debate about it. He’s got a Yakuza image to withhold, and even then I think he’d just consider it kinda scummy.Peko: She prolly wouldn’t just b/c she just goes w/ what Fuyuhiko does. But even then on her own, I don’t think she would. She’s not the type to do that kinda stuff.Mahiru: That’s fuccin rude dog she ain’t no disrespectin thot. She’d talk about things in her angry motherly kinda way, but not ever to the extent of Gish Galloping someone.Nekomaru: Nope, but he’s the encouraging type. He’d rather support someone to follow their dreams than argue with someone. That and he can respect people’s wishes, even if he doesn’t agree with them always. V honorable dude.
V3
Saihara: Nope. Another one that gets too tongue-tied in conversations. That and he wouldn’t- he’s seen other detective’s do it, but it doesn’t sit right with him.Kaito: Has it done to him more than he could ever do it to others. That shit ain’t manly but that’s really just him saying that he can’t do it so that means it’s bad.Kaede: Nope! Too nice to, but even then I don’t think she’d ever be able to do just because it doesn’t jive w/ her well.Kirumi: Given the circumstances, yes; she absolutely could. That’s actually kind of what she does in her Showdown Rebuttal, but with big words rather than actual arguments. Intending to confuse someone rather than actually let them talk. Maki: Nope. Debating isn’t her thing, because she doesn’t really care to debate about anything. Her opinions are hers, others are theirs, and as long as it doesn’t bother her she prolly doesn’t give enough of a fuck to really fight anyone about it. Even then, she’s surprisingly smart when forming rebuttal topics, so I don’t think she would.Ouma: Yes. Ouma absolutely would but mainly just to piss people like Kaito off. Would he use it in like, an actual debate? Debatable in itself, but in stupid arguments he would 100%.Iruma: She tries to sound smart despite not having enough information a lot of the time in trials- she didn’t even know what an alibi was okay tbh I don’t think she’d be good at it. Kiibo: I also don’t think he’d be good at it, just because he doesn’t seem like the type to. If he’s going to debate with someone he’ll do it fair and square.Amami: .......yes.Shinguuji: He could do it, but I don’t think he would unless it’s necessary to. He’d much rather have a proper debate or discussion on something, but if emotions get high he’d turn to it as more of a last resort tactic.Angie: I wanna say yes, purely because I think her only real answer would be “god thinks this” in debates, so she’d just fuckin deadass ask people shit to make them shut up.Tenko: Nope. She’s not a debater either, so she just wouldn’t be good at it. And she’s an emotional gal, why would she want to make someone distraught? Even if they’re a man, that’s a dirty trick, it’d make her no better than those degenerates.Himiko: She’s too lazy to debate tho, so no. She would prolly have it done to her a few times though, just due to not caring about things.Hoshi: I want to say that he probably could, just because he’s had it done to himself before most likely by detectives, but also because he just uses his head often and could realize that he could just say shit to make someone be quiet, but he wouldn’t. He’s not the type to, and it’s uncool in his mind to do that.Gonta: Nope! While he’s not dumb, he wouldn’t be the best at debates just because he thinks he’s dumb, so he’d just nod along to things rather than actually form an argument. Unless it’s about bugs, but even then he’d use facts rather than Gish Gallop someone. Tsumugi: Debate-ably she kinda does it in the 6th trial, with trying to make everyone so overwhelmed they just vote or do anything, so yes, in some circumstances she would. But most of the time, no, she’s not the debating type.
#:: ooc#reciprocation :: response#//I love talking about this kinda stuff lol#dutifulhope#parchments :: inbox
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nice to meet you ch 1 (sfw)
eventual belch huggins x ambiguously gendered reader
word count: 2040
“If you don’t stop playing with that, I’m going to make you take it out and put it on my desk.”
You looked up from the notes you were taking to see Mr. Oliver looking right at you, pointing at your face where you were playing with one of your snake bites, pushing at it with your tongue.
“No, you won’t,” you said, defiant. “My parents fought tooth and nail for me to wear these, and the principal won’t be pleased to hear about you doing that.”
He rolled his eyes. God, you didn’t like him before, but now, you hated him.
“They didn’t fight for you to distract yourself and the rest of the class,” he said.
“I’m not distracted — it helps me think,” you said, holding up your notebook, showing off the notes you’d been making up until he started being so rude. “Besides, no one else is distracted by my piercings. Right?”
You looked around at your classmates. No one made eye contact with you, embarrassed. One boy, a bigger guy who sat at the back of the room, actually looked away when you caught his eyes.
Traitors, you thought.
“Either take them out or go sit in the hallway for the rest of the period,” said Mr. Oliver. “I won’t have you disrupting my class.”
“You’re the one disrupting class over my piercings. I was minding my own business,” you pointed out.
“Out,” he said sharply.
You heaved an enormous sigh, determined to continue pissing him off. Asshole. You gathered your things and went out to the hall, slamming the classroom door closed behind you, sitting on the floor beside it.
You took your notebook out and started drawing all over the last page of notes, since you weren’t going to finish it anyway. Crowns and bleeding hearts and swords and things, soothing yourself by tonguing at your piercings.
After ten minutes — you’d been sent out fairly early in the class period — you gave up on him coming out to actually acknowledge your existence. You got up and started walking toward the front of the building, intending to go out to your car and smoke.
You passed Patrick Hockstetter, infamous asshole, being escorted by Mr. Cleaver — the incredibly brawny and handsome Chem teacher. You held back a sigh. He was too dreamy.
Patrick, however.
“Hey, there,” he said, giving you a scummy once-over.
You rolled your eyes.
“Move along, Patrick,” said Mr. Cleaver. He sent you a sympathetic look.
You wondered what Patrick had done, this time.
You were new enough to the school that you didn’t know much about anyone, but you’d have to be dead to not know about Patrick Hockstetter. Last week, he’d started a fire in the girls’ locker room. Today — well, you were sure you’d hear about it, eventually.
Not that anyone would tell you. You’d have to eavesdrop for that.
Once you got out to your car, you checked your reflection in the side mirror. Your eye makeup and lipstick were still going strong. Black and deep, both of them. Your hair was looking a little deflated, but you couldn’t care less at this point.
You felt how your hair looked. No air left in you.
Why did adults have to be such assholes?
Some people just couldn’t handle how you looked.
You lit up a cigarette, grateful for the short rush you got with the first drag.
A new school, and you were already making enemies with the staff. A new school, and again, people singled you out and made you feel like shit. You couldn’t make friends because no one wanted to hang out with someone who tried to look dead, with someone, well. Goth.
You sighed and finished your cigarette.
The bell rang, signaling for the whole school to go to lunch. You went back into the building to your locker, getting your lunchbox and going back outside to sit on the steps and eat.
More tofu. Your parents, raised by hippies and not going to ever let that go, had made tofu lo mein last night for dinner, and you liked it so much that you’d packed it for lunch. Would’ve been better if you could microwave it, but oh well. It was still damn decent cold.
As you ate, a group of guys pushed past you, knocking your shoulder with their knees.
“Freak,” one of them spat.
You looked up. It was the blonde one, the one called Henry.
You glared and flipped him off, one chipped fingernail in the air. He laughed, and you laughed back, cruel and unforgiving.
You knew you were soft on the inside, but on the outside, you were scary. You knew it, and you used it when you had to.
The other guys followed him, Patrick and the boy from your last class pulling up the rear.
What was his name, the one who’d looked away when you’d tried to catch his eye?
You went back to your food.
It didn’t matter.
After school, shit hit the fan. For about a minute after you pulled out of the school parking lot, everything was fine. Then, your steering wheel started shaking violently. You swore and pulled over.
You pulled out your cell phone and called your dad first, then your mom. Neither of them picked up, probably too busy with work. You understood. Running a thrift store took a lot of time and energy.
You swore again, though.
Then, you looked up the nearest mechanic shop.
You drove there, refusing to go any faster than ten miles an hour, despite people honking at you.
You pulled into the parking lot, next to a beautiful blue car you recognized from school.
“Reggie! We got another. Clock in and get your ass over there!” a man called.
You waited by your car, and a boy walked up to you. No. Not a boy. The boy — the one who’d looked away in class.
“What’s the problem?” he asked, rubbing his hands on his jumpsuit, giving you a once over. His eyes seemed to get caught on your boots, tall platforms with buckles all the way up to your knees.
“Reggie. That’s your name?” you asked, not answering him just yet. “I’ve only heard Oliver call you Mr. Huggins.”
“Yeah,” he said.
He looked a little uncomfortable, so you decided to stop giving him the third degree.
“Well, nice to meet you. My steering wheel is shaking. It sounds like a motorcycle in inside my car,” you said.
“Jesus,” he said. “Can I take it for a spin?”
You handed him the keys.
“Knock yourself out,” you said.
He got in your car, turning off the radio when the Cure started blaring from the speakers. You smiled. He drove it around the block, returning quickly.
“Jesus,” he said again when he got out.
“I know. Any ideas?”
“Not a clue,” he said honestly.
“Fuck,” you said.
“Lemme ask one of the guys. Dom!”
A man walked out of the workshop towards you.
“Black lipstick,” said the man — Dom. “Nice.”
He gave you a look that reminded you of Patrick. You made a note to stay away from this guy as often as you could.
“Keep it in your pants, Dom,” said Reggie. “Steering wheel’s shaking. Really bad, but worse over like, 20. Any ideas?”
Dom thought for a moment, raking his hands through his short, curly hair.
“Check the tires,” he said. “Might be missing a bolt.”
“’Kay.”
Dom walked away, and Reggie went around your car, crouching next to the tires, looking closely. At your front left tire, he made a small noise.
“Yeah,” he said. “You’re missing two bolts. Easy.”
“Cool,” you said. You held up your pack of cigarettes. “You mind?”
“Nah, go ahead.”
You lit up as he walked away. He came back when you were halfway done with your cigarette, holding two bolts in his big hand.
He screwed them on and stood, slapping the hood.
“There you are. ‘M gonna take it for another drive, see if that’s it. But it should be. Dom’s a creep, but he knows his shit.”
“Okay,” you said, ashing your cigarette.
He took your car for another short drive, and came back, smiling.
You took a deep breath but kept holding his eye. God, what a great smile this guy had.
“That fixed it,” he said.
“Great,” you said. “What’ll it cost me?”
“Eh. It was just a coupla bolts. This one’s free.”
“Seriously?”
“Sure. Consider it me saying sorry for Dom creepin’ on you.”
You smiled.
“Thanks, man,” you said.
“And here,” he said, pulling a card out of his pocket. He held it out for you.
You took it, reading the front. Flusche and Sons, it said. You turned it over. In a messy hand, there was a phone number.
“That’s my number,” he said. “Something happens again, you call me.”
“I’ll just come here,” you said.
“Well, then. If you can’t drive, call me.”
You let out a short laugh.
“Never had a guy try to pick me up so fast,” you joked.
His cheeks tinged red.
“That’s — that’s not —”
“Hey, I was joking,” you said kindly. “Sorry. I’ll see you ‘round.”
“’Kay.”
You drove home, grateful that things were okay again.
When you got home, neither of your parents were there, yet. To be expected, of course. The shop didn’t close for another couple hours, and they’d be home even later than that.
You called your mom. She picked up.
“Hey, starchild,” she said, pulling out her special nickname for you. She must be having a good day, then.
“Hey, Mom.”
“I saw you called. I’m sorry, I had someone right in front of me. What’s going on?”
“My car — something messed up. The steering wheel was shaking really bad. I took it to Flusche and Sons and they fixed me up.”
“That was fast! What’ll it cost us?”
“Nothing. The guy just put a couple of bolts on my wheels and let me go.”
“Ooh, he must have noticed how cute you are.”
“Mom. It totally wasn’t like that.”
“Then why can I hear you smiling, my sweet child?”
You laughed.
“Oh, ‘cause I am.”
“Was he cute?”
You thought about it. In a way, yeah. Reggie was cute.
“Sure,” you said. “I never noticed before, but yeah. Kinda cute. We go to school together.”
Then you grimaced.
“One of my teachers threatened to make me take out my snake bites today,” you said.
“Oh, honey. I’ll talk to the principal.”
“You don’t have to —” you started.
“Oh, but I will. Listen, someone just walked in. We’ll talk more when I get home, okay?”
“Okay, mom. I love you.”
“I love you too, starchild. ‘Bye, now.”
“Bye.”
You hung up and went upstairs to your room. You opened up your laptop, choosing to ignore your homework for a while. You got on Skype, finding that your best friend, Raven, was already online.
Hey, you typed
Hey yourself. How’s school?
Raven was homeschooled. Lucky bitch.
Sucks. Teacher got onto me for my snake bites.
Asshole
I know
Anything else?
Car fucked up. Had to take it to the shop
Fuck. Meet any cute mechanics? ;)
You laughed. Typical Raven. She saw the whole world as a playground, constantly looking for new toys.
Actually yeah. I guess. There’s this guy who works there I go to school with.
Oh yeah???
Yeah. Nice smile
Oooh nice!
You talked for another hour, unwinding. You blasted your latest playlist, relaxing until you were little more than a puddle on top of your bed.
You said goodbye to Raven when you heard your parents come in, and you went down to help them make dinner, talking about your collective day, how Mr. Oliver got onto you, what you could do about it.
When you went to bed, you laid there under your covers, thoughts wandering.
They kept coming back to Reggie. His smile, the crinkles next to his eyes.
You sighed.
You probably were going to have a crush on him.
That was okay, as long as it didn’t become anything else. You weren’t ready for another — something.
Your last something had just ended, and you weren’t ready for something new.
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This ain’t the content people come for, so I apologize, but like...
I am personally just a little bit tired of hearing “all Balmung is bad” or “there are some nice ones”.
Like, I’m not here to invalidate your experience, but like breaking news: there’s good people everywhere, and there’s bad people everywhere.
Your experience with some hateful, spiteful group or person, does not trump my experience with a caring, friendly group or person. For every not great person, there is another--or more--great people.
And this should go for any server. I used to generalize Jenova as being kinda scummy, but I realized I really know shit-all about Jenova outside of hearsay from a friend or two. It is not my place to speak about an entire server.
Plus like, I’m here to ENJOY the game, not to make other people’s experience unenjoyable. If you think you’ll have fun on Balmung, Mateus, Jenova, Omega, Faerie, whatever. Do you. Have fun!
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Emotional Exhaustion
SO.. I’m not hearing anything from God. So I haven’t taken any actions or steps.. I’m not sure that I am in His will right now. This is so exhausting. When did life start to become so wearisome? I’m SO tired. I’ve overcome a lot of my demons fm my past... like just watching Intervention on tv brings tears to my eyes on certain ones because I so get it. I get what it feels like to be abandoned by your entire family. To feel that pain as a young woman. To struggle to let others too close to you now. To hate yourself.. everything about yourself, and you don’t even know why. Other people might compliment me sometimes or tell me nice things, but I dunno if I’ll ever be able to feel that way about myself.. I know what it is to feel like you’re never going to be good enough. To feel like you’ve messed up too much in life and no matter how hard you try, you’ll never get ahead, you’ll never be independent of your family again, & you’ll always just be a loser. Look how hard your parents worked so you could be successful & now look at you. A wasted investment. The girl that had so much promise but now everybody just looks at with pity. Some people will just never understand. People who haven’t been children of a broken home... I’m sorry, but you’ll never get it. People who haven’t felt the pain of abandonment...you’ll never get it. Hypothetically.. people who haven’t used prescription/drugs to get through certain times in their lives.. you’ll never understand the struggle. If you’ve never experienced real depression, don’t expect to even remotely understand. People who haven’t been drugged & raped by random guys or their friends’ scummy dirtbag nasty ass boyfriends.. it goes on and on, if you grew up in a normal family got married and have been a house wife/supporter most of your life & now you have an almost picture-perfect family and everything worked out for you, you will never have the hustle, fitness, wisdom, wealth, or success of a woman who grew up on the streets.. bc you just don’t have it in you.. you can try, but you can never do it like she can.. but you get the point.
Even if I’m nothing more than a total failure right now in the sense of my expectations for myself vs. where I’m at right now in life, I think all these things have made me a stronger person. Do I know my worth isn’t defined by my job, success/failures, or anything else? Absolutely. I learned that the really hard way... that was the worst ride of my life yet. What goes up, must come down. And coming down was fast and furious and hurt like a bitch. That job was my passion.. I loved the industry, the people, the company.. I just got lost. I let a breakup devastate me & leaned on prescription pills to help me throw myself into my work. I wanted to do everything there. I had so much go-go, so much passion, so much will to take that dept. and make it better in any way I could. There were so many things I never got to do or finish. I had a lot of plans for ways to make it be better.. my work was all I felt I had left until I healed fm that relationship, and I hated myself. A new guy came into my dept. shortly before our breakup & I didn’t realize it at the time but I was feeling alone & with him, the beverages, the fun, the food, it all flowed freely. It didn’t matter what I was, if I acted like I was 5 or was somehow annoying or whatever my ex didn’t like about who I was or what I wore or looked like or if I had a clump in my mascara or a tooth that wasn’t the same shade of white as the others or a little butt or a big butt.. I felt like he liked me no matter what. And at that time in my life, that really meant a lot. I have never been an alcoholic myself, but I had no business being in bars with a married co-worker. That wasn’t right & I wish I had known better at the time. Most of the time we were in a group but still.. I just saw him as my best friend. I didn’t know any different.. I was in my 20′s and super stupid. I went from being the most timely person in college to the worst when I worked with him.. had I not been taking an rx for add I would have been such a better employee there. It really does matter who you hang with. Another lesson I learned, the hard way. And that enabling people, doesn’t serve them well in the long run, either. That work/life balance matters. But anyways, that drug was the tool I used to hammer my life & my bank account straight into the ground. I lost everything and I truly believe it’s because I was a lost soul who felt so worthless, but also bc it changed who I was. It’s my fault for taking it. I wish I never had. People don’t realize it but these things mess w/your body too... you may not feel it at the time bc it numbs you, but give yourself a couple years and you’ll realize things are not right. And it’s all your fault. Your fault for being a total dumb ass.
Ok so whoops.. kinda went off track there. Thank you mother PMS b/c feelings - tonight. Holy cow. Ah the monthly joys, lol. Back to what I was saying though.. my mistakes, my failures, even though I’m still not back on my feet.. I’m a fighter. These heartaches make you more resilient. God pulls us through things. Being stressed out every day, will have to help me one day. Or kill me. One or the other lol. Maybe it makes you stronger for later down the road. B/c it keeps me close to Jesus in a way that is entirely uncomfortable. I long for the day when I can be comfortable in life and have a relationship with Him in a much different way. I don’t know what that is, but I’m looking forward to that day. I picture myself finally feeling like I can breathe, surrounded by clear blue skies with the perfect white fluffy clouds and surrounded by beautiful water.. and just taking that time to be with Him in a new & different way. I am grateful today, yes. But the kind of grateful you feel when God works miracles. When God answers prayers in ways we can never understand or comprehend. I know I’m romanticizing this and that's bad too but a girl’s gotta keep the hope somehow. Lol. Ask and ye shall receive. Knock and I will answer. Come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest.
I know I should just shut up and be grateful to have a roof over my head, food to eat, clean water to drink, hot water in my shower, parents that are alive and healthy, for friendships, for a job (even if it is emotionally draining and makes me so tired I literally don’t do anything much outside of it), I get all that.. sometimes the fact that I know that makes it even worse. Like I fight myself because I have feelings that aren’t what they’re supposed to be. They’re not pretty. Like so many people are just so much better than me because they’re all like oh be grateful, isn’t this great in your life and this great in your life or say things in a way that is clearly meant to make a point to me-- like I get it. Ok I’m not stupid. In fact a lot of people underestimate me bc of the situation that I’m in and that’s entirely frustrating too. Just bc you got married early in life and had kids and yadda yadda and you think you understand me b/c you went through something similar? I’m sorry but that’s not possible b/c you were married and I’m not & never have been. Or you didn’t bust your balls through college. Whatever it is. So that makes the situation entirely different, doesn’t it? I don’t want to feel this way, but I just have days where it’s really hard to be grateful and not want more for myself, ok? To deny this would make me a complete fraud. Does that make me a bad person? To want more for myself? To want to be able to have my own family, to choose who I will have Thanksgiving & holidays with, instead of still even at the age of 31 doing what mom dad and step parents put together for me? To want to have my own family where all my parents can come visit me for a change? Where I can serve them. Does that make me a horrid person? To have that want makes me feel like I am, terrible. To want to be able to have my own life? To want to get out of this town and this job.. to be financially independent again, if I’m not married or actually with someone... how selfish of me. To think that I could have that is probably just stupid. I was stupid in my 20′s and the 30′s really aren’t looking much better... lol. This is just how it is today. Not every day. Some days are easier than others & when I pms it’s just like all my insecurities come at me full force. I’m over it. Guys this is something you’ll never understand. Because estrogen. Lol.
People don’t become resilient because everything has always worked out for their lives. It just doesn’t work like that & I get it. Wisdom isn’t handed over.. you have to go through some serious shit to obtain that. You have to make some terrible mistakes. You have to get your heart broken time and time again. And then? Again and again and again. Your life has to fall apart completely when you least expect it. And it’s so not easy. Everything comes with problems. Everything does. And the grass is never greener on the other side.
Now that I’m saved, I have dealt w/the guilt & shame of my past with the help of The Lord. He has given me the gift of eternal life. The greatest gift of all, to know that someday I will be in heaven with my Maker, where there will be no pain and no sorrow and where no one could ever love me more. Someday I will finally get to feel like I am at home. I’m blessed because I have the grace and mercy of my God, I have a forever Father, Friend, Love, Provider, Protector, everything I have ever needed and more --I now have In Him. And that gives me peace. In moments like these, it feels so good to know that. I’m an overcomer and I will keep fighting until it’s my time & He calls me home.
Now that I am older & can reflect back on things f/m my past, I can try to make better decisions in life. Now I can choose my own family for my future, people who choose me too. Outside of my parents and brother, I mean. People who have never left me. Everyone else I consider family or will come to, will be of my own free will and theirs too. Only that and nothing else. No more fake friends, no more fake family. Only real from here on out or nothing. I’m too old for anything else and I have no energy anymore.. so yeah, that’s that. Jesus take the wheel is my life anthem. Seriously. B/c I suck at life. Lol. So since I’m not getting anything from Him right now I’m just going to do what I can, whatever that is b/c there’s nothing bigger than Him and there’s no mountain He can’t move.. I just have to resist the devil and his lies, keep close to God, and keep my faith. Ya’ll it’s not as easy as it sounds but I am really trying. Even if I only post on here on my harder days.. at least I don’t affect anyone else this way & I get it out and get to move on. Tomorrow is another day.
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