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becauseimanicequeen · 7 days

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RANDOM THOUGHTS: Unknown ep. 10

I’m going into this episode hoping for further progress in Qian and Yuan’s relationship (especially after Qian’s moment of introspection at the end of the previous episode). We also saw in the preview that we’re getting more about Qian’s health status in this episode and that Yuan might get pissed at Qian for keeping that from him. And then, let’s see if they cut the episode before the kiss or not.

Shitless Qian! That’s a nice start (if we ignore the nosebleed, which, to be fair, isn’t that ignorable).

The way Yuan stared at shirtless Qian… I mean, 100% relatable.

I wouldn’t want to sleep alone after that Russian roulette shit either.

The way they’re fucking snuggling in bed! Qian’s leg over Yuan’s, Qian holding Yuan’s arm with both hands, and Qian brushing his thumb on Yuan’s arm in that comforting manner…

Wait, Le is worried Qian’s condition has worsened? So, he knows that Qian has a chronic condition? (I can’t remember if this has been mentioned before or not. My memory is hella fuzzy when there’s a whole week’s wait between episodes.) Perhaps that’s why Le’s been so adamant to keep Qian out of the gang and make sure they don’t cross paths again.

Nosebleed again…

”I’m fine.” The biggest lie ever told (and most used) in the history of humanity.

The way I cackled when the Doc suggested that San Pang should also get a neurological examination.

WTF! Nosebleed again… Please, Qian, get yourself checked out!

The whole ”don’t tell Yuan” will cause more trouble than actually telling him, though. I’m sure that’s why Yuan avoids Qian (the short snippet, in the preview of this episode, when Yuan walks into the house). I’ve been in Yuan’s shoes, and it fucking hurts when the truth comes out later than it needed to.

Yuan must’ve heard more than he let on. He practically tried to run away from the clinic. And the fact that Qian is lying to Yuan… Trouble, trouble.

I don’t mind that Yuan is getting bold (or, bolder). The talk about tying up Qian… I’m on board with that to a million percent!

Yuan definitely knows something serious is going on. But how much does he know about the whole truth? Most likely a lot more than he lets on. Like I wrote before, he must’ve heard what the Doc said. But he might not yet know how long it’s been serious. Qian has had issues for years, right?

Oh lord… Look at these idiots trying to cover up for Qian. I’ve got to love their loyalty to Qian, though. Even though I need someone to tell Yuan the truth (preferably Qian, but I don’t think that will happen…).

Seriously, I would fucking snap if I was in Yuan’s shoes. No way I would take part in this bullshit coverup. Either you tell me the truth (because that’s always easier to deal with) or I’ll avoid you like the fucking plague.

Lol, Yuan is really laying it on thick when he talks to San Pang. Emotional blackmail. But the situation clearly calls for it. Qian is more silent than a brick wall.

And then he uses the Lili-card. He knows exactly what to say to get San Pang to cave. I love him. So, please, someone tell him the truth, for fuck’s sake!

Just as I thought, Yuan heard everything at the clinic that day.

Finally! The truth is out. Thank you, San Pang.

Yuan: ”Do you still think this is just about you?” That FUCKING. BROKE. ME.

I’ve been sitting here, trying to get my eyes to stop leaking for the past 30-ish minutes so I can watch the rest of the episode. What is this series doing to me? They’re gunning for my emotions with Yuan’s reaction because it’s relatable to me.

Qian must know he fucked up, though. If he blames San Pang for telling Yuan, I’ll be fighting back an urge to kick his shin. (I know he’s fictional, but that also means I can give him a fictional kick, just for the fun of it.)

I can’t call that blaming San Pang. Not really. Okay, Qian, I won’t fictionally kick your shin. Not right now, at least…

Btw, San Pang not telling Lili about Qian’s condition… She’ll be just as pissed at him as Yuan is with Qian right now, right? I honestly can’t wait to see her lose it on San Pang and him begging for mercy and forgiveness. Is it weird that I want to see him on his knees as he begs? I wouldn’t mind him crawling either…

I get Qian’s fear of going to the hospital and perhaps never coming out again. BUT! If Yuan and Lili knew the truth, they could prepare themselves for the possibility that Qian might not make it. Qian just dropping dead isn’t going to help anyone, though. And how would they feel if they found out about his condition after that? And finding out that he knew about it?

I wonder how Qian would feel if their roles were reversed. As in, if he found out either Yuan or Lili (the two people who are most important to him) had kept something like this from him.

Am I the only one who loves that Yuan is avoiding Qian? Because I fucking LOVE IT! And he ignored Qian even though Qian had made Yuan’s favorite dishes. This is my shit! (I know, I need help…)

Oooh, Yuan is both bold and bossy in this episode. I didn’t know I could love him any more than I already do. I was wrong.

Is it weird that I’m excited to see the confrontation I know is coming within the next 10-ish minutes?

San Pang is saying all the right things and asking all the right questions. Now it’s up to Qian to figure it out on his own (perhaps with a bit of help from Yuan).

Qian getting emotional is making me emotional. What is this series doing to me?

San Pang: ”Do you want him to have a future without you?” My eyes are leaking again! What the fuck is this series doing to me?

I stopped mid-confrontation because Yuan’s calmness was killing me. But, also, some of the things Qian has said so far gave me the feeling that his approach to figuring out if his feelings for Yuan are brotherly love or something more is more about thinking/reflecting on it rather than feeling it. In my experience, thinking isn’t the best way to gain clarity when it comes to emotions. Clarity comes from feeling and experiencing the emotions. So, just shut up and kiss already… Perhaps it’s time for Yuan to give Qian a little nudge in the right direction, even though he’s been so cautious not to cross the line since he came back home.

Qian: ”All I know is I can’t live without you.” The fact that he’s admitting that, out loud, to Yuan… We’re making some progress.

Seriously, Yuan’s calmness is killing me. He still thinks it’s his problem that he fell for Qian. He still thinks it’s his shit to handle. He still doesn’t want to put that on Qian. Being calm is almost like his armor.

I fucking knew they would cut pre-kiss! That’s just mean.

This episode was great! I loved that Yuan finally found out the truth. I loved that he ignored Qian (again, it’s a me-thing). I loved all the emotions. Seriously, the amount of time I spent crying… I just realized it took me just a little less than 2 hours to watch this 30-ish minute episode…

What is this series doing to me?

#unknown #unknown the series #taiwanese ql #taiwanese bl #taiwanese series #my shit #iq random thoughts

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animentality · 2 months

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The main miscommunication I’m seeing with the Wyll Gortash drama is that for fans of Wyll, they feel that Larian is uplifting popular fan ideas and adding it to the game while ignoring an already established character. And they’re right that Wyll is being ignored but they are wrong to say that Gortash lines were added because of fandom. For Gortash fans, they feel that people are purposely ignoring the canon history of Durge to create their own edgy Tav. And they’re right that Durge needs more features of an Origin character and add these lines expands on Durge’s most important canon relationship. Where they’re wrong is thinking Wyll fans are only going after Gortash because they truly think the 5 lines added took something from Wyll.

The improvements Wyll needs for his story are overarching additions that would be best to add all together in an upcoming patch. I understand the frustration at seeing what they see as a side character being given lines when more time should be added to Wyll but those lines are a lot easier to code, write, and implement than adding more dialogue, interactions, and quest for Wyll.

We should be uniting over knowing we as fans can get Larian to add stuff to the game and expand on existing characters!

Thanks for letting me just chat into the inbox. I think you also see the miscommunication and it’s frustrating when others just seem to talk past the point instead of actually sitting down to think about it.

Also question for your pronoun preference, do you prefer someone picks he/him or they/them to use or switching it up when speaking about you? And do you like words like dude, guy, or bro being used?

You bring up many excellent points that I hadn't considered.

The addition of Gortash/ Durge characterization is NOT fanservice. It rounds out two major villains, ONE OF WHOM IS AN ORIGIN. It gives Gortash just a tiny bit of extra character, and it's not that big of a damn deal.

Five goddamn lines, this kerfuffle is over, which is just ridiculous.

But it's also true that Wyll also needs more quests, scenes, and a character arc?! These two things are nuanced, and they can both be true.

I have always complained that the Dark Urge is fundamentally flawed and suffers from some truly bad writing. Giving them more humanity IS a good thing for the story.

It's just a shame that the anti Durge/Gortas/Durgetash crowd is just blinded by hatred.

They don't like the two characters, so they accuse US of forcing the devs to do something for them - bullshit.

Larian is trying to fix its narrative issues.

Durgetash is, and I say this as NOT a Durgetasher...Durgetash is actually good for the story. It makes both of them more interesting and complex.

But what would the anti Durgetashers know?

they don't know anything about the dark urge. or gortash. and they don't care to learn. which would be fine, if they weren't attacking us for something i don't even know we necessarily did.

#baldurs gate 3 #bg3 #dark urge #enver gortash #durgetash

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shhh-secret-time · 17 hours

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Star Park AU: Kyle Broflovski Edition

-> Moved back to the Valley after graduating and getting his doctorate. (He's essentially where Harvey is in game.)

-> Couldn't find work out i the city so he moved back to the Valley

-> His parents stayed in the city but they allowed Ike to move back with Kyle as long as he agreed to take good care of him.

-> He has files on everyone's medical history and they're organized based on who's the easiest patient to deal with to who he has to literally drag in to his office. It goes: Karen, Wendy and Nichole, Kenny, Craig, Heidi, Tolkien and Scott, Butters, Ike and Jimmy, Tweek, Sharon, Shelly, Bebe, Stan, Clyde, All of the Goths, Randy, and finally Cartman.

-> He makes monthly walks to the Wizard tower to check on the Goths. They've told him before they don't need it because they have magic but he doesn't believe them.

-> Kyle and Wendy work hard to make things easier for Jimmy around town. The mayor fights them over the funding. Wendy has to practically drag Kyle away from fighting the mayor.

-> He's the only person that Scott trusts with his meds, always making sure to pick his medication up.

-> When he's not working he checks in with Heidi over Ike's education, sometimes he sits in and helps out when he can.

Gift Guide:

Loves: Fire Opal, Pomegrantes, Poppy, Starfruit Wine, Artichoke Dip Likes: All Books, Emerald, Coffee, Magma Cap, Tea leaves Neutral: All Fish (Except Shrimp), Beer, All Eggs Dislikes: Radioactive Ore/Bar, Fertilizer, Escargot, Mudstone Hates: Bananas, Banana Pudding, Shrimp, Bug Meat, Roe (Any)

Loved: "A..Are you serious?! Thank you so much!" Liked: "You thought of me? That's very kind, thank you." Neutral: "Thank...you? It's the thought that counts." Dislikes: "Ugh. I don't want your trash." Hates: "Really? What went through your head when giving me this? God...."

Heart Event @ 2:

Kyle is outside with his brother, one of the rare times he's free from working. He's sitting on the bench at the park reading through his medical files. Ike is playing by himself looking a little lonely. Farmer walks up and sees him sadly rocking on the spring rider. Ike tells the Farmer that he misses playing with his brother, it just seems like he never has time for him anymore. Farmer thinks for a moment before walking over to Kyle, who only notices them when they sit down. He greets them with a smile, quickly going back to his reading. >> Do you ever take a break? How can you be on your laptop right now? It's so nice out! (-) >> Ike looks a little sad, doesn't he? (+) If First Option: Kyle gets slightly annoyed, Farmer should know better than anyone here that he can't just stop working. He notes rather dryly he would have thought he'd be free of their lecturing, seeing as he gets enough of it from Stan.

"I appreciate your concern really, but I'm this towns only doctor last time I checked. I happen to like reading outside."

If Second Option: Kyle looks up from his laptop with concern on his face. He frowns when he realizes that he's been ignoring his brother, and how Ike is rocking back and forth with no care. Turning to the Farmer, he expresses gratitude for bringing it to his attention. He feels back for not seeing it himself, he was just hoping to catch up a little on work before he went home. He closes his laptop, putting it to the side, and stands up. Farmer jumps up with them and offers to play with him and his brother!

"Then I hope you're ready for the longest game of hide-n-seek of your life. You didn't have anything planned for the rest of the day right?"

Heart Event @ 4:

Kyle visits the Farmer early in the morning, greeting them while they're walking to the shipping bin. He apologizes for showing up unannounced. He would have called but he didn't think the Farmer would be able to hear the phone from the fields. Farmer doesn't seem to mind which makes him feel better, physically relaxing. Looking past them, he compliments their hard work on turning the fields into an actual farm. Afterwards he goes on to tell them that their crops have made things better even if they don't realize it. Tells them that the fresh food is better for the townsfolk than Jojo's food. >> I don't actually do that much farming. I'm more into fishing or mining. (/) >> Thanks Kyle! It's nice to get a little appreciation! (/) >> I didn't think of it that way...you really think of everything huh? (/) If First Option: Kyle goes quiet, the longer the silence the more his face turns red. Embarrassment dusting his cheeks. Under his breath he says something about the farm at least looking clean.

"At least your farm looks cleaner then Mr. Marsh's. Smells better too."

If Second Option: Kyle chuckles and tells them there's no reason to thank them! He's in the same boat sometimes and that even now he's here's to do his job. He wonders if anyone else has been out this way yet?

"I just realized you haven't had a checkup with me yet. Swing by the clinic okay? I don't want you to get sick."

If Third Option: Farmer turns the table on them, Kyle gets flustered over the small praise. At least he takes it as praise. He scoffs, telling them to stop being so humble. Being a Farmer is hard work and they should realize the good they do.

"Please. Not just anyone can get Cartman to eat a vegetable. You're good at what you do!"

Heart Event @ 5:

Next time Farmer walks into the clinic they walk back into Kyle's office. He's surprised to actually see them, telling them that he is pleased that he didn't have to drag them in. When Farmer looks at him confused, Kyle tells them that sometimes he has to go and "collect" some of the townsfolk for their appointments. So, it's nice that there's someone else so willing to come in. After a moment he gets a little embarrassed that he started rambling again. Farmer is just easy to talk to, they listen. Before they can comment on the blush on his face, he gets down to business. Kyle opens his laptop and looks up at them, he begins to ask Farmer about themselves, wanting an insight on their medical history.

"Sorry, you didn't come here to listen to me complain. It's just easy to talk to you. A-anyway, before I keep making an ass of myself, lets get started on filling out your medical history!"

Heart Event @ 6:

Farmer is walking from town to the mountains, they can hear faint shouting. Walking closer, they see Kyle and Ike standing next to the mountain lake away from Kenny's house. Ike is sitting on the wooden bridge with his face in his hands, looking more and more upset. When Farmer gets close enough to hear what they're saying clearly, they overhear what the argument is about. Kyle is upset that Ike's grades are slipping, telling him that he needs to put in a little more effort in school. Apparently, he's been blowing off his homework and Heidi is having a hard time getting him to pay attention in class. Ike complains that all Kyle ever talks to him about is how he's doing in school and his stupid job, that he doesn't care to ask Ike about anything else. He asks him when was the last time they did anything fun that didn't require the Farmer having to all but pull him away from work. Ike cuts Kyle off before he can rebuttal. Shouting something about how he's acting just like their mother and he's supposed to be his brother, not his parent! Kyle gets upset and snaps back at him, telling him that he won't apologize for caring about Ike's well being and he wouldn't have to act like their mother if Ike just grew up a little. This makes Ike tear up, he stands up and shouts that he should just go back to the city then. Kyle stands there watching his brother storm off, leaving him alone next to the lake, he looks destroyed. Farmer walks out from where they were hiding, and when Kyle doesn't get upset that Farmer was listening in they know he's really torn up. It takes him some time but he eventually address them, telling them that he never meant to fill the role of a parent. He knows he's hard on Ike, he just wants to see his little brother grow into the best version of himself. The Valley is good to him, better then the city was. He knows it's good for Ike too.

"Am I being that overbearing? I mean...I'm in charge of him. I promised Ma that I'd look after him! I'm not asking for much right? Just for him to apply himself more!"

>> Maybe you're not as right as you think you are. (-) >> Does he know that? Have you told him how you feel? (+) >> I don't think you're really listening to your brother. (+) >> Lighten up Kyle, he's just throwing a tantrum. He'll get over it. (-) If First Option: Kyle looks up with a flash of anger in his eyes, he can't believe what he's hearing. How could Farmer say something like that? He thought they were friends! As Kyle storms off he glares at them.

"Jesus Christ, if you talk to your friends like this then I'd hate to hear how you talk to people you hate!"

If Second Option: Kyle thinks on both Farmer and Ike's words. Like he's replaying the whole thing in his head again. When was the last time he talked to Ike about how he feels? About anything that wasn't him being a hard ass.

"No...I guess I haven't. Ugh I'm an asshole, he deserves to be a kid. I really do sound like our mom. Thanks for listening again Farmer."

If Third Option: Kyle's brows furrow, he wants to be upset but Farmer's right. He makes his frustration known and somehow in the same breath is grateful that Farmer said it. He tells Farmer that this isn't the first time their stubborn attitudes have clashed. Something they both get from their Mother.

"I think if you were anyone else I would be furious but...you're right. It does make me feel a little better to know I'm not the only one who's stubborn. I'll apologize to him in the morning. Goodnight and thank you Farmer."

If Fourth Option: Kyle snaps as that comment strikes a nerve. He goes to yell again but he just stops, closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath. When he opens his eyes he looks past them and wishes them a good night. Leaving them alone because just the thought of responding to that is exhausting.

Heart Event @ 8:

It's late, later than Farmer realized. As they go to leave the mines, a group of Shadow beasts corner them. It cuts to them limping out of the mines. Beaten down and exhausted, they collapse against the side of the mountain. The last thing they see is Kyle running over to them and the dim light of a flashlight. When they wake up again, they're laying in one of the beds of Kyle's clinic. Their wounds are bandaged and cleaned. Looking over in a daze, Kyle's eyes meet theirs and there's a look of relief. He closes the first aid kid sitting next to them, picks up the medical tools and puts them away. Farmer can hear him breathing deeply, like this is the first time he's able to. Eventually he breaks the silence, speaking as softly as he can. He scolds them for being reckless, and that they're lucky that Ned was nearby to hear that fight. Kyle stops in the middle of his lecture, catching himself doing it again. Lectures are the last thing Farmer needs right now, they need sleep. Farmer just smiles and shakes their head at him and it almost makes Kyle laugh. He can't believe the energy they have, how they're even awake right now. He promises to keep them company, that he'll be right here for them when they wake up. Time passes again as Farmer drifts back to sleep, when they wake up again they see Kyle asleep in the chair next to them.

"Do you have any idea how worried I was?! Seeing you bleeding out in the dirt like that! I know you can be more responsible then that, what were you-.... no I'm doing it again. I'm sorry. Look just get some sleep, you need to rest." - "What? I'm not going anywhere, someone has to look over you and make sure you actually get rest. I swear I'll turn my back and you'll try and get out of that bed."

When given the bouquet:

"!! Y-You're not fucking with me right? This isn't just some cruel prank? ...Then of course I will- be your partner that is!"

Heart Event @ 10:

Farmer walks outside of their house to Kyle sitting on their porch. A picnic basket sitting next to him, a bottle of wine sticking out of the basket, and a red-checkered blanket tucked neatly inside. When he hears the doo open he perks up and stands up quickly. With a grin on his face, he greets them with an energetic good morning. He holds up the basket telling them that he wants to take them out. The day is beautiful and he intends to spend as much of it with them. Farmer agrees, leaving the farm going south past Tegridy Farms. Kyle takes them near the cliffs overlooking the ocean. The two sit there enjoying the picnic that Kyle's put together. When he sees how happy Farmer is with the food, he goes on to tell them that he learned how to cook from his Mother. The conversation leads him to ramble about how he was the only one who could cook in the friend group for a while. That Stan used to beg him to make dinner so he didn't have to eat with his family. Farmer continues to just look happy with everything. Good food and getting to listen to him talk about his best friend, watching as he lights up! Then they feel a rain drop hit their forehead. Looking up, the two se as the sky starts to darken and rain clouds begin to roll in. Immediately Kyle throws his jacket over the Farmer and urgently moves them towards the trees. As the rain starts to come down harder, Kyle looks so disappointed. Farmer takes their hand giving it a little squeeze, breaking down that wall of anxiety. He lets out a sigh, expressing his frustration. He tells them that he wanted today to be perfect, now it's ruined because of the rain. Farmer laughs and pulls them down, planting a kiss on their cheek. Kyle's face turns red from the sweet action. He goes to kiss them back, to return the kiss, but as he does water drops down from the top of the trees. They're both soaked now, water clinging to their clothes. Kyle looks down and just laughs. He wraps an arm around them and pulls them in for a kiss. Pulling away, he brushes his fingers across their face and whispers.

"You always find a way to make things better. I don't feel like I have to be perfect all the time, that it's okay to mess up because I know you'll still love me. My worries just seem to melt away. I love you so much."

Heart Event @ 14:

Ever since Kyle moved in he's slowed down, taking better care of himself. No longer piling too much on his plate, so it surprises the Farmer to se him falling back into old habits. Kyle is pacing around the house in a huff. Ike tells the Farmer that their parents called and that they're making a surprise visit soon. Kyle stops his frantic cleaning for just a moment to stress how much he hates this. He's worried that they're going to be mad because he didn't invite them to the wedding, even when they already reassured him that they're not. Farmer questions why they're coming, which Kyle just sighs and tells them that they want to meet his partner. Farmer reassures Kyle that everything will be fine, that they can't wait to meet his parents. He just grumbles and tells them to hold off on that excitement. Once again Farmer calms the man down, Kyle takes a deep breath and watches his beloved partner get to work. Between the two of them and Ike, they're able to get everything together. Just as dinner is finished, Kyle's parents arrive. Kyle introduces the Farmer to his parents who immediately start gushing over them. The dinner table is set and soon the entire family is sitting around the, making small talk. Sheila starts asking Farmer a list of questions, trying to get to know them. Why did they become a Farmer? What drew them to the Valley? >> Honestly? I needed to start over. Grandpa gave me a second chance and I guess I just fell in love with this little town. >> The city life was too loud. I needed something quiet and easy. >> The Valley needed help! I couldn't just ignore it! If First Option: Sheila smiles and puts her hand on her chest. She tells the Farmer that it's incredibly sweet of their grandfather to look after them. She thinks it's great that they love the town that Kyle grew up in! If Second Option: Sheila doesn't agree that the city is that bad, but she goes on to tell the Farmer she grew up a city girl. She does agree that city life can sweep you away if you're not careful, she's glad the Farmer taught Kyle to slow down. If Third Option: Sheila isn't quite sure she understands what Farmer is trying to get at, but if it's what drives them then who is she to argue? She's just happy that Ike's grades have improved and that Kyle is happy. Either way dinner is lively, once they're finished they thank the Farmer for everything. For taking care of their sons and welcoming them into their lovely home. Sheila admits that she was skeptical at first but after seeing how Kyle looks at the Farmer, she's wholeheartedly approves of their marriage. They leave with a quick hug, letting Kyle know that they'll be staying at the tavern for a few days before going home. As they make the trip back to town, Kyle wraps his arm around the Farmer and smiles softly.

"They really like you, not that I had any doubts they wouldn't. You're amazing. I always knew you were, ever since you moved to this town. I'm just glad they love you almost as much as I do."

Random Marriage Quotes!!

"Good morning my love. Yeah... that still feels weird to say but...I kind of like it. Waking up next to you is everything." "Please make sure you're being careful when you go out. I'm not going to stop you, just come home to me. Please." "Look I love you, but please if you have to go to the mines...shower before you come to bed. Shower with you? That-...isn't a bad idea." "Read up on how to take care of crops on my lunch break! I hope you don't mind that I already watered the plants for you!" "Ike really likes all the animals, he actually woke up before to feed them all!" "Do...do you think my hair is stupid? Cartman said something about it today and I know I shouldn't put merit in what he says but...You like my hair? And my nose? But I didn't- God you're too good to me." "I always had this fear of getting married, I was afraid that I'd end up like my parents. They're not bad just...never mind. Just thank you for being my partner." "Hey, take this medicine with you. If you get into trouble it will help. I don't care if it tastes bad! I don't want to find you passed out again!" "I'm taking Ike over to Kenny's today, he wants to hang out with Karen. Feel free to swing by when you're done doing what you need to do! The guys would love to see you." "You know I love you right? And I'll tell you it as many times as you need. You make it so easy to love you that I'm worried I'm not enough."

Tag List: @hunnysnoops

#south park #sp fanfiction #south park fanfiction #reader insert #south park x reader #x reader #kyle brovlofski #kyle broflovski x reader #Kyle Broflovski x Farmer #Stardew Valley #Star Park AU #headcanons #drabbles #shhh its a secret

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mangoshorthand · 1 year

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Do you think Five and The Handler had some sort of a fling in the Commission? I see so many people betting on it.

I hate how the Handler flirts and gets physically close to him even though he's in a teen body, and she obviously tends to like him. Five doesn't seem to back off when she touches him either, even when he clearly not shows the same interest in her as she does in him. But after all, both have no problem to actually kill each other off.

It really confuses me a little, since Five "broke up" with Dolores at the end of season 1, past his time in the commission, and I doubt he would cheat on the one he's been in a relationship with. Five also said he'd been with Dolores together for over 30 years. If he's been with her the whole time in the apocalypse, why not use 40? But maybe I'm just nit-pick.

I really hope I don't bother you with my questions, but it's really interesting to read your analyses and your explanations are reasonable. Feel free to ignore! ♡

Soooo... ⚠️FUCKING TRIGGER WARNINGS EVERYWHERE. RAPE REFERENCES, TURN BACK NOW IF THAT BOTHERS YOU⚠️

In the Mangoshorthand cinematic universe, The Handler raped Five multiple times over the years he was at the Commission. Part 4 of Hard Feelings deals with his recovery many years later, (there are flashbacks but nothing graphic) and my fic The Moth and the Spider goes into it in detail, (in a graphic, violent fashion). Essentially, I present it that The Handler took advantage of Five's naivety upon 'rescuing' him from the apocalypse and uses shame and fear to control him. At first he doesn't realise it's rape, but when he starts to understand, he pushes it away because it's much easier for him to perceive himself as a sicko involved in a violent sex game than it is to see himself as vulnerable. The fic spans the whole course of their relationship, from when they met to her death.

I have my canon justifications for my choice of this relationship dynamic specifically but I don't think that this sort of scenario is implied by the show, (even if it isn't directly contradicted).

Do I think they had a fling?

Honestly, I don't know. I think the show implies a spectrum of possibilities. Here is a (non exhaustive) attempt at laying it out. a) The Handler leverages her sexuality as a means of asserting dominance in their otherwise non-sexual relationship.

b) The Handler leverages her sexuality as a means of asserting dominance and would be interested in engaging in a sexual relationship with him. Five is/was disinterested but knows what she's doing so doesn't really react to her touching/little comments.

c) The Handler leverages her sexuality as a means of asserting dominance and would be interested in engaging in a sexual relationship with him and Five is/was titillated.

d) They once had a sexual relationship which Five regrets and now The Handler leverages that history as a way of asserting dominance.

Were I to order these scenarios by most to least likely, I would say: b, d, c, a I am more sure than not that The Handler has sexual interest in Five, and this is my evidence for that other than her general flirting, touching and comments

There is a scene in season one where she casts her eyes down and licks her lips just before she says the phrase 'schoolboy shorts.' 🤢

The scene in season 2 where she's in the bath reading his file, looking at two photographs of him. She gives a little shudder and kind of squeezes her thighs together in that scene, which implies...🤮

As to Five's feelings? Honestly, he's got a pretty good poker face. There could be a lot going on behind his unphased expression. I genuinely don't know. Here are a couple of indications of his attitude towards her that I can think of:

He definitely respects her as an adversary. He has a tendency to talk about her in tones of grudging respect. (e.g. "Oh, she's good," with regards to the candy tracker in season 1).

He allows her to touch him when he tends to avoid rather than initiate touch with others. There could be a lot of reasons for this, ranging from him not wanting her to know he doesn't like it to him actually quite liking the affection. (In my fics, I interpret this as him having learned to let her do whatever she wants rather than fight it, but I don't think that's what the writers intend us to take from it).

This one was pointed out my a mutual (who I won't tag in a post that mentions violent noncon, lol!) Whenever Five speaks to Lila about the Handler, (End of season 2, start of season 3) he looks as if he might be speaking from experience when he tells Lila she manipulated her and that she didn't love her

I don't think any of these are conclusive, however. They could indicate a range of feelings.

Would Five cheat on Dolores?

Five seems like the loyal type, so I think he would likely stay faithful. However, the reality of Dolores's physicality means she can't meet all of his needs. I can imagine them having an arrangement whereby Five can sleep with other people. I see Dolores as Five's conscience and his voice of reason when he's becoming mentally fractured. Honestly, Five engaging romantically and sexually with people other than her would be better for Five's mental health long term, and Five would know that, deep down. I can see that manifesting in Dolores advocating for him to do it to make Five feel less guilty about 'cheating'.

Also, the 'together for thirty years' thing: perhaps he meant together romantically rather than physically together, or perhaps it took ten years of solitude before she started talking back to him.

Sorry I can't really form a proper argument on this one!

#mango muses #headcanon #the umbrella academy #tua #five hargreeves #tua five #the handler #pushing my fics again #seriously you probably shouldn't read that one tho...

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unohanabbygirl · 9 months

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Hi!! Thank you for answering my ask about a crossover between FMN and HIPS. I am fully obsessed with this idea so could you expand more on your thoughts..because I have MANY questions. What’s Aemond’s relationship like with the rest of his family in modern times once they all remember? Alicent stayed by his side in HIPS but I would imagine that modern Alicent is no longer a r*pe apologist. Does Daeron just leave immediately and emancipates himself once he remembers? What about the others? Also I have to ask about how differently you characterize Viserys, Aemma, and Laenor after learning what happened (esp Viserys)?

Does Aemond avoid history, art, and even religion because he would be demonized 10x worse by all those fields? You had that recent ask about art depicting Luke’s death and mythologizing/romanticizing it, and how Aemond wants to look away but is unable to. In this scenario where’s he actually did r*pe Luke does he just break down seeing what he did depicted and then analyzed by people and knowing it doesn’t come close to how horrible it was? This crossover is such a puzzle because in the original story of FMN Aemond at least can somehow believe that under his murderous rage Luke’s death was his fault, but also in part an accident which makes it easier for the family to reconcile. In this scenario where Aemond didn’t kill Luke but assaulted him, I feel like it’s much more difficult to deal with. Most of your characters in FMN seem to have fully embraced their old selves and don’t see it as much a set of extra memories but a second chance at life. I guess what I’m trying to ascertain is whether his family thinks he’s innocent since he hasn’t done anything in modern times, or if they still view him to be a r*pist because they are all living as their old selves rather than new people (like Luke is). Does this Q make sense? It’s some weird timey whimey stuff ik. It’s sort of like the time travel question of whether someone is guilty of a crime they will commit in the future—but flipped. Is Aemond guilty of a crime he committed in a past life and which is very present in their memories and new lives (made even more evident by Osferth still existing?) even if present times Aemond hasn’t technically done anything?

If abo dynamics do exist in modern times how does the whole prime alpha thing affect Aemond then? It might have been a blessing in medieval times but not modern day. It would def affect who he is allowed to be around or what jobs he can have if he can suddenly experience rut madness. Is he kept away from Helaena’s children and are they scared of him because of what he did to Luke? Is it more difficult to sit through those gender studies classes he took to make up for the fact he was a raging misogynist in canon? Also…How different is Luke’s life in now that he’s an omega and has a different relationship to sex now that he can get pregnant? A large portion of the main story is Luke’s trial so how would that go with Luke being an omega? I’d think it would make him more sympathetic but who knows with misogyny. Sorry for this massive list of questions!! It just makes FMN so much more tragic if we use HIPS as the original story

Hey babes, I’ve been meaning to answer this but I needed time to sit back and think. This crossover has become a favorite of mine so I took some notes!

Aemond’s relationship with most of the others in modern day is very shitty. Now that’s not to say that he isn’t trying to grow and become a better man because he is, but many of Aemond’s negative traits are so much more deeply ingrained and made worse/are enabled by this society that making a genuine change is almost impossible for a man like him without giving it his all. Not to mention that most of the family besides his mother and Helaena basically hate him and straight up ignore his existence most of the time. (Aegon doesn’t fuck with him but it has nothing to do with him violating Luke because he honestly couldn’t care less about his none-Jace nephews)

Alicent being a r*pe apologist in modern day all depends on the family she’s born into. Are her parents the liberal, equality for all type or white picket fence conservatives? She’s the sort of woman whose so tied down by the patriarchy that in order for her to learn from her ways and grow she’d have to be given that guiding hand from a very young age, so it all depends on her upbringing. But regardless of this she’ll always love her son, its simply the way she interacts with him and comforts him that depends on if she tries to help him become better or coddle him and act as if he was the victim at Storm’s End.

Helaena is a different story because while she finds Aemond’s actions abhorrent, he’s still her brother and one of few people she’s ever had that don’t turn their nose up at her. However, she very much loves Luke in her own unique way despite not having the closest relationship. So while she spends time with Aemond, she’d make it a point to encourage change within him. Poor thing always sees the better in people even when she probably shouldn’t.

Daeron still holds onto the faith big time and their reincarnation just solidifies that his gods ( and therefore their preachings) are true. He’d absolutely find a way out of the family as soon as he could because such sins don’t simply wash away with time. I imagine Daeron would either become very close to one of his newer more distant relatives like a cousin or aunt, and spend as much time as he could with them before being able to move out on his own. While emancipation would be an option he desires, there simply isn’t much evidence for any court to decide he’s better off on his own than in his mother’s care.

I love answering questions about Vizzy, Aemma and Laenor because I don’t get them quite often so here we go.

We all know that the Velaryon boys aren’t biologically Laenor’s, but he loves them all the same. His space of mind depends on whether he actually died in the past or if he agreed to fake his death and escape to the free cities. This has the ability to change his character as a whole because he could either feel hate and resentment towards Daemon and Rhaenyra for setting up his death or fall into a nasty cycle of self hatred for leaving his family. I imagine that in both scenarios he feels immense guilt for what happened to Luke and even go as far as to blame himself to a degree. Nowadays there’s a large pool of studies and findings on how stress in the home can affect a child’s presentation making them a late bloomer. For example, children that are trapped in abusive house holds, teetering on the poverty line, or have lost an important person/people in their lives recently, sometimes don’t present until their mid teens and even up until their late twenties in rare cases. Major stress halts proper development and poor Luke was constantly stressed for a variety of reasons.

Because of such immense stress on Luke’s shoulders due to just about everything, he presented late, leading to his chase and eventual assault. Laenor seees his death or “death” as the reason. Thinks that if he remained with his family then Luke would’ve presented on time and remained on dragonstone rather than taking the trip as an envoy because lets face it, most of the Targs/Velaryons would see an omega as inherently weaker and try to keep Luke as close to their sides as possible.

Aemma is an interesting case because she died well before any of this. She holds much more resentment towards Viserys in his AU than the original FMN verse and more than likely would refuse to rekindle their relationship at all. Especially after learning about what his and Alicent’s son did to her grandson. She may have died long before he was born, but she’s always had a soft spot for Omega’s seeing as her mother was one.

This Aemma would refuse to even shake hands with any of the Targtowers and stands on that ten toes down. Sees them as nothing more than a physical manifestation of Viserys selfish nature while also being the best great-grandmother she could to Osferth since he’s just as much a victim in all this. No one chooses to be born, ya know?

And finally we have Vizzy T…the best way to describe him is defensive. Growing up hearing the history of the dance and how his own failures as king led to a multitude of problems leaves him feeling as though he needs to defend his case. His entire defense is basically him saying ‘how was I supposed to know my horrible children whom I neglected would grow up to do terrible things??? There’s no handbook on how to parent 😤”

As he grows and learns Viserys would for sure see just how much his neglect molded his children with Alicent into the people that history remembers. And just Like Laenor he’d grow to blame himself for what happened to Luke because it was his shitty decisions (butchering his wife, marrying Alicent, and not abdicating when he still had the chance) that led to the dance in the first place.

Aemond is the type of man to punish himself for his sins, so leaning into a position at a fine arts museum where he’s surrounded by reminders of such sins would be his first choice. These extremely graphic depictions leave him with a feeling of immense guilt while also satisfying a sick part of himself that craves to he seen and recognized by all. Being carved in history as such a prominent figure gives him a sense of accomplishment. He’s demonized and hated by most, seen as the prime example of an omega brutalizer by various omega rights organizations as well as anyone who isn’t a piece of shit, but Aemond couldn’t care less about how the modern world views him because all that matters is that he’s been frozen in history.

Thats not to say he’s proud of what did or thinks his actions are in anyway okay because he does regret them, even goes as far as to constantly reach out to Rhaenyra in hopes of forming a proper bond with his son since the least he could do is be there for him. But even with all of that he’s unable to help the happiness that comes with knowing history never forgot him. Its sick and downright disgusting, but it just shows us how deep his inability to hold himself to the fire is. Makes us wonder if these things are the problem of nature or nurture.

Again, this Aemond is based off of F&B so he truly sucks big time. Even when he claims he’s trying to change.

I like your question because its perfect grounds for a deep discussion. Are people still guilty of acts they committed lifetime’s ago? Or are they suddenly absolved because they’ve been reborn centuries later? Its like that popular scenario; “if you could go back in time and kill ___ as a baby to prevent a horrible event”

A lot of people say no and others say yes, while some just ask if they could set them in a different household and hope they don’t grow up to be a pos. You could blame Aemond for what happened because he’s still himself at heart despite being reborn or you could decide that since he hasn’t hurt anyone in this lifetime that technically he’s innocent. It all depends on how you view reincarnation. Of course the blacks see Aemond as guilty because deep down this is still Aemond we’re talking about, but Alicent thinks her son as well as herself are innocent because this is an entirely new life.

However, the blacks see Osferth being reborn as soild evidence that Aemond will always be guilty of hurting Luke. Living, breathing proof of their son/brother’s assault till this day.

I love this question because world building makes me so happy!

Yes, a/b/o dynamics do exist however as time goes on beta’s begin to be the majority while alpha and omega are the minority. I feel this only makes sense because humanity no longer has to abide by that “survival of the fittest” mentality as well as the decreasing priority of being ‘pureblood’ within nobility. Therefore the whole “we must wed strong alphas to other strong alphas and preserve the holy fertility of the omega.” Is no longer a popular mindset. People simply love and create families regardless of second gender which overtime has caused the beta gene to dominate. Think of it like blondes and brunette. The brunette gene will more likely than not dominate though there are instances where the blonde phenotype wins the race.

Because of this Prime alphas are basically nonexistent therefore society isn’t very equipped to handle their nature in any way other than pills and the like. I’d describe it as a form of chemical castration, a way to prevent harm to the vulnerable.

Of course primes can refuse but it does make living in society hard because both public and most private schools require any primes past the age of 10 to be on such medications should their parents want to sign them up. Jobs will also refuse primes if they aren’t being treated. It’s simply too much of a risk. Not to mention that while there are few, prime alphas who commit an act of sexual assault do in fact use rut madness as their defense which leads down a very slippery slope in court. All in all, going down the route of chemical castration once a prime reaches somewhere around 15 or 16 makes everything easier for everyone.

While it hurts his pride, Aemond is more than willing to go through with this because he wants to have a relationship with his son AND Luke once he’s found. It also makes Helaena more comfortable with him being around her children, none of which are alphas. However the Maelor plus the twins are fearful to a certain degree because while they love their uncle, they’re always a bit weary.

Luke’s relationship with sex and his secondary gender is a worlds different. He presented around 10, and while he was under stress due to his unstable environment its not as much compared to the constant standards being a royal who’s also an alleged bastard put on his shoulders.

Luke takes to his dynamic easier then before due to the various omega public figures as well as a few older omegas to act as guidance throughout his life. He doesn’t see himself as lower for his status nor does he find it to be shameful. If anything he’s still as wild and free as we know him to be in FMN. Luke sees himself as equal regardless of the fact that he has breasts and can carry a couple of brats if he wanted to. The complete opposite of his past self. While he has a very critical low self esteem his confidence in his gender identity never wavers, proudly wearing more feminine things while also being quick to remind others that he’s just as much a man as any old Alpha or beta.

His attitude comes as a helping hand to a slightly insecure Osferth when the time for them to reunite comes around. Rekindling their mother-son relationship despite not being aware of it on the surface.

#asks #I’m going to write more in a separate post because these questions are ace!

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astralcodex · 1 year

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makin this an ask so it's easier to spoiler tag, or just ignore since i am on your blog(ie i get it if you don't want an argument): branka and celene and marjorlaine aren't sexy tho. especially with branka's deal and hira trying to slave trade her gf, the npc4npc stories are not the same as ex isabela's delightful da2 storyline. people don't find fascinating joy in branka or marjorlaine or what hira did, their backstabbings are often bigoted or just plain too heinous. my other complaint is that bioware need to switch it up bc the npc lesbian plots are too predictable at this point

what's sexy is subjective!

it's totally cool if you don't like it or if you find it personally offensive. i think they are heartbreaking, interesting stories.

taking hira for instance - i am honestly loving the fact that we are seeing more stories about the darkness of a revolutionary hero. the lengths a person is willing to go through to for their 'cause', and whether or not the survival of that cause is worth the cost of the awful things you'll do it see it done. if you go too far, do you eventually just... become what you hated? isn't hira just as bad as rezaren in some ways?

another example of this was in andor: sacrificing kreegyr and all of his men in a futile attack on spellhaus to save the rebellion and avoid suspicion, a morally terrible thing that killed a lot of people. but the rebellion continued on.

there is also the intersection of people with privilege joining a cause and how they are often more willing to sacrifice others because they are more removed from the cost - and hira comes from privilege. her perspective is tainted by that, because she grew up in wealthy tevinter family, and that life was taken from her. as a result, hira is motivated by anger, while miriam is motivated by fear. hira spent the entire show telling miriam she shouldn't run and she should face her past but hira can say that because she has the privilege of not being afraid. her privilege and family history allows her to say 'oh, you would have been a slave for a little while but i wouldn't have let him have you forever'. ... hira can say this and not examine the truth too closely because hira does not have to face that reality. miriam does.

in the end, miriam overcame her fear and saved the little girl ("we have to save us") whereas hira is still being ruled by her anger.

i think better things are in store for miriam, but maybe not so much for hira. and i hope we meet them both in game.

anyways, this is not out of line for dragon age, which is full of heinous shit. like... the abuse of child slaves. conversion therapy using blood magic. tranquil skulls being used to power oculara. tranquility in general. that whole serial killer subplot in da2. what the qunari do to mages. and on and on and on. and like i said, they like to write your lovers betraying you in massive ways (not just the lesbians) - i'd argue what anders did was 'worse' than what hira did, but that's not the point.

i loved it and found it to be a very compelling narrative. an interesting story. and very sexy.

#asks #dragon age absolution #cameron7a #thanks for the ask!#imo im here for messy fucked up queer stories #but its ok if you are not #also i dont view these things as fights i think we can talk about the v v interesting meta of this without it being an argument #nobody is morally superior because of their dragon age opinions

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tempestdaydream · 1 year

Text

[Ficlet] literary allusion

💫 Also on AO3 [here]

Hob enjoys teaching, truly. It's a chance to impart knowledge in more ways than one, and to steer others away from dark paths Hob himself has unwittingly stumbled onto in the past.

Sure, the students can be a handful, and sure, Nancy from administration wants his head on a silver platter for the time he requested a change in his class schedule thrice in a week, but the experience is overall quite pleasant.

If only it wasn't for these bloody substitutions.

You see, when one specializes in English history between the 14th and 17th century, it puts you at the forefront of candidates to replace the Elizabethian literature teacher when the occasion arises.

He doesn't blame Thomas for falling ill, of course, although he'll give him hell about it later over the drinks he was promised.

He does blame one overrated hack of a poet for reminding him of his woes any time he gets brought up in conversation.

Of course they're going over Shakespeare's sonnets this week. Just his luck.

Against popular belief, Hob doesn't abhor Shakespeare in of itself or on principle. He's perfectly fine with some of his works; Eleanor convinced him to see a few plays way back when, and most were perfectly fine evenings.

Other works, though…

Hob does wonder exactly who old Will was thinking about in his sonnets; from context, it couldn't be his Stranger. The subject of poetry was undoubtedly human, considering just how often the passing of time got brought up as an issue.

That doesn't mean certain passages don't hit much too close to home for comfort.

"What is your substance," he reads, "Whereof are you made / That millions of strange shadows on you tend? / Since every one hath, every one, one shade / And you but one, can every shadow lend."

It's a good thing he perfected his poke face in the past century or two.

A formless, all-encompassing beauty, huh? One person with many shadows and reflections…

Hob pushes down a frustrated groan.

His friend's influence is inescapable alright.

He liked it better when he could stay in denial; when even friendship seemed unattainable. But then the bastard had to show up late and apologize, and show actual courtesy and start proper conversations even. And worst of all for Hob's sanity—He stuck around.

It's much easier to ignore an infatuation if you don't see the other person every other week, it turns out. Maybe the once-a-century deal was for Hob's benefit after all.

Bloody hell, this is why he dislikes Shakespeare. Makes his moods so somber he entertains the thought of the past being better. It rarely ever was, and most definitely not in this case. He likes spending time with his Stranger, regardless of the health risk it poses to his heart.

Perhaps he'll even get a name out of him, one of these days. His one of a kind, perplexing friend.

In all external grace you have some part, But you like none, none you, for constant heart.

#dreamling #dream x hob #sandman fic #dream of the endless #hob gadling #unfortunately for Hob i enjoy sonnets #yvewrites

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qqueenofhades · 2 years

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i haven’t read AITWW yet (what is free time?) but i just want to say thank you for doing justice to hob’s history and his role in slavery. it’s absolutely a topic that i think a lot of fandom would prefer to/tries to gloss over, even though it fundamentally informs hob as a character and would be something that continues to shape him as a person (as it should). i think folks think it’s easier to be like “uwu history professor hob with a manbun” without including the part where he’s literally a history professor, and should *necessarily* grapple with his own role in history and how he played a part in those oppressive structures. i’m not trying to rag on people who don’t want realism in their fandom experience, but... it’s just a breath of fresh air to see this aspect of hob being properly and thoroughly acknowledged in all its implications. so yeah, appreciate you! <3

I mean, yeah!!! It is doubtless because I am a history professor-adjacent person myself, and I love Cool Manbun History Professor Hob as much as anyone (as well as projecting my extremely specific academic trauma onto him, because what else are fictional characters for?), but I CANNOT imagine him being driven to that decision by any other reason than to, exactly as you say, critically and thoroughly examine history and his own role in it, including the very, very bad parts. Hob isn't a superhero, he has no magical powers, and he hasn't had any role of particularly major political or social prominence, but just by virtue of living so long and being around for so much, he has had a major impact on the societies and places where he's lived. Because he's immortal, he can make certain choices about how to get involved without worrying that he's going to die, and that also means he has a different impact than an ordinary person. Even if his only ability is the ability to Not Die, that is absolutely huge and gives him an entirely different perspective on life from a mortal.

So yeah. We haven't gotten to this part in AITWW yet, but Hob's research focus as a professor in the modern day will be the late medieval and early modern era, Britain in the Atlantic world, and the role of slavery in the development of empire. It's absolutely something that he does precisely BECAUSE he sees people glossing over it so much, he knows exactly how he did it, and he feels a deep responsibility to learn everything that he deliberately ignored and which was available for people even at the time (since as noted, there were ALSO abolitionists and people making the choice to oppose slavery even if it was economically inconvenient!) It definitely causes him to step on several toes (I imagine Piers Morgan absolutely hates him), and to get people, even in the academy, who wish he would just stop talking about this quite so much and making everyone look bad. But he still has to do it and provide the mechanism for people to understand, and to do what he can to prevent the cycle from being replicated. So like... yeah, of course that's the whole point of him!

Anyway, thanks for this, as I obviously have Many Feelings about all of this and the role that history plays in Hob's story and how he has to deal with it in both past and present. In comics canon, afaik, the slavery thing torments and haunts him down to the present day (as it SHOULD), and it's especially interesting to expand that aspect into TV canon, which extends to 2022 and everything that is happening now. So TV!Hob is able to make more choices about what to do and what to say, and I feel like it's especially important to show that.

#wordsinhaled #ask #hob gadling #aitww

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spoilertv · 10 months

Text

#SpoilerTV

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plus-size-reader · 3 years

Text

Feelings

Jace Herondale x Plus size!reader

Word Count: 2213 words

Warnings: none

Summary: The reader is a vampire who owns the hardtail bar, who has quite the past with Jace Herondale which they never really addressed to begin with

—————————————————————————————————

Owning a downworlder bar was hardly the cakewalk it made itself out to be.

In all the years that you had owned Hardtail, you had come in contact with all sorts of colorful characters. From vampires and werewolves to demons and demon hunters, there was no telling who was going to walk through that door.

Though, no one was quite as interesting to deal with as Jace Herondale was.

He was an arrogant ass, of course, only doing things when he wanted to do them, and why. Not to mention that he was utterly ridiculous most of the time, something that made him almost impossible to deal with.

...and you would know that better than anyone, seeing as you’d done just that for quite some time.

Going out with him hadn’t been your finest moment, you could admit that.

All in all, you and Jace had nothing in common, and all you ever did was argue but no matter what you did, you always found yourself coming back to him. Without fail, you sought him out and just couldn’t cut the tie you felt to him.

It was impossible.

He just kept coming back, and it wasn’t as if you had it in you to turn him away at the door.

Though, today was the first time he’d ever come in here with someone else in tow, not to mention a woman. She was pretty with fiery red hair and no doubt a personality to match, if you knew him well.

That must have been what had taken him so long.

Normally Jace would stop by every few weeks, just to make sure that none of the downworlders were starting trouble for you, but he hadn’t been here in months now. Clearly, it wasn’t all that big of a deal what happened here, unless of course he needed your help with someone.

Then you were good enough to visit.

“What can I get for you?” you asked, quite similarly to how you would greet any other customer, your eyes staying on the girl at his side rather than looking Jace in the eye.

Whatever it was he needed, you were sure that he’d get to it before you had to do too much more of this, or so you hoped.

You had other customers after all, and most of them didn’t take too kindly to being ignored.

“I’m actually not here to drink. I’m here for you” he grinned, resting as casually as he could against the bar, as if he had any right to do that. Though, it wasn’t as if you were going to throw him out just for that.

At the very least, you knew that you had to hear him out.

“You mean, you are” you clarified, gesturing to the redhead at his side, who you still had no idea about. You had never seen her before, in all your escapades with shadowhunters, and it wasn’t exactly like they were a vast breed.

Whoever she was, it was news to you.

“Right, Y/N this is Clary” he shrugged, plopping down on the barstool across from where you were standing, filling up a glass of bourbon. You had no idea what was going on, or why you cared, but you smiled anyway.

Whatever this girl, Clary, was doing here, you were sure it had nothing to do with whatever it was you and Jace had been doing for the last few years.

She nodded in acknowledgment of you before turning her attention back to Jace, who hadn’t explained anything about this place to her before they showed up.

“What are we doing here?” she muttered, her words little more than a whisper in his direction which you caught easily due to your superhuman hearing. Usually, nothing of value happened here but usually, Jace wasn’t here.

Not like he was today.

“If anyone knows where those vamps are keeping Simon, it’s Y/N. Nothing happens in the downworld without her hearing about it” he shrugged, helping himself to the glass you’d poured, shooting a wink in your direction as he did so.

It was true.

This was a pretty popular hangout spot for all the vampires in the downworld, and as they drank, the more their conquests bubbled to the surface. It was hardly your fault if you paid attention.

“You're more than welcome to ask around, I haven’t heard that name in here before” you shrugged, filling your own glass from another tap, specifically for the vampires like you that frequented this place.

Alcohol didn’t do nearly as much for you as some good O negative did.

Clary nodded, heading off in the direction of where you’d gestured, clearly more determined to find her friend than Jace was. He didn’t seem to care all that much about anything at all.

...but at least that hadn’t changed.

“I had no idea you were seeing someone new” you hummed, not bothering to meet his eyes as you focused all your attention on the stout in front of you. Now that the two of you were alone, it was different.

There was nothing else for you to focus on, and at this point, anything would have been better than dealing with this.

After all, you had no right to be jealous.

You and Jace hadn’t been an item in a few years, and whatever he wanted to do, that was his business. You weren’t going to get involved, just like you should have done from the start.

It would be easier that way.

You didn’t want to deal with this any more than he did, but even with how awkward this was, Jace looked like he was having a great time. This was fun for him, because of course it was.

Everything was fun for Jace, because he always thought he was one step ahead of everyone else.

“I’m not necessarily seeing someone else” he shrugged, taking a long, heavy sip of the glass you’d put in front of him before moving on to anything else behind the bar that would be easier to deal with than him, your jaw tight.

You were avoiding him.

...And frankly, he couldn’t blame you.

The two of you’d had a long, sorted history, and this was hardly the first time you’d seen something like this from him. Really, he was surprised you even cared at all because of how commonplace it was.

It was just the kind of person he was.

Still, he hadn’t brought her here to hurt you. He needed your help, because if anyone knew what to do about their little vampire problem, it was you.

“Besides, this isn’t about her” he sighed, standing from the barstool he’d set himself down on when he arrived to try and get your attention. You were angry with him, and he couldn’t blame you for that, but he couldn’t avoid this.

It was important.

“I don’t think she knows that” you countered, pouring another shot for yourself which you downed casually before finally meeting his burning gaze. Whatever it was that he wanted, you both knew that you would help.

Because of the two of you, Jace was the selfish one. He did what he wanted without thinking about the consequences but you had never been like that.

Even now, he was sure that he could come here after months of not seeing you and ask a huge favor, and you wouldn’t hesitate to do as he asked. It was just the way you were and nothing was going to change that.

It was just who you were, and while he should have probably felt bad about knowing that and never trying to change it, there were too many other things he had to deal with.

Besides, if he was going to be a good boyfriend, he should have been that when you two were actually dating.

Worrying about it now wasn’t going to do either of you any good.

“Would you stop worrying about Clary for a second? We have things to do” he scoffed, snapping at you in a way that forced you to do as he said, if for nothing more than a second. You had no idea what was going on, but it was much more important than some new girl.

You just weren’t sure why yet.

“Simon’s at Hotel Dumort, I spoke to Raphael Santiago about him. Now would you get out of my bar” you sighed, desperately hoping that now that you’d given him what he wanted, he would go away.

Lying to them before hadn’t been your finest decision, but you couldn’t help it. You didn’t want to do this anymore, not with him.

The two of you had gone your separate ways for a reason, and you weren't really in the mood to rehash it all with him right now. It would be better for both of you if he just went away.

“I could, but I don’t really think you want that” Jace shrugged, that sly smirk on his face as he sat back down, still sure that this whole thing was just another game like you were so used to playing.

You didn’t get your feelings hurt.

That was what you always told him.

That you had lived too many lifetimes to ever get too attached to anything, or anyone. That you would be perfectly fine if he fell off the face of the earth one day and never came back. It would be so much easier that way, if you actually believed it.

You loved him.

Of course you did, but there was nothing you could do about it now. You and Jace had tried this whole thing and it didn’t work. You knew that if you gave it another shot, it would end just as badly as the first time.

It always went badly with the two of you.

“I really do, you shouldn't have come here” you allowed, taking his glass from the counter and setting it behind the bar before going for the backroom. You had no idea what was happening with you right now, or why you felt like this, but it didn’t really matter.

All you could think about in this second was getting away from him.

Not that Jace was going to let that happen.

Clearly, he had pushed you too far and this wasn’t the lighthearted tormenting you two usually got up to. You were upset, which was new for him because you were normally so hard to rattle.

He’d never gotten such a rise out of you before.

“Hey, hold on. Where are you going?” he asked, shooting Clary one last glance before following you.

The action caught the attention of several of the patrons he passed, but not one of them moved to interfere. After all your years of running this place, they knew well that you could handle yourself.

Even against a shadowhunter.

“Go help Clary find her friend, Jace. I’ll be here” you shrugged, bearing down on your teeth as you tried your best to shut down all the emotion bubbling up inside you. You didn’t want to feel it, didn’t want to care, and that wasn’t going to change.

Jace wasn’t yours anymore.

It was true.

You were always going to be here, and he knew that.

That was why it didn’t matter if months passed by before he came back or if he brought beautiful girls with him to meet you. No matter what he did, you were always going to be waiting for him and maybe that was the problem.

Maybe that was why you hadn’t worked in the first place. You were too available, too happy to help him when Jace was only concerned about himself.

“Will you?”

It was rich, especially coming from him. Acting as if you hadn't been there for him whenever he needed you even after you should have turned your back on him.

Of the two of you, he shouldn't have been the one worried about being alone.

“I get it. Vampires don’t have feelings right? We’re just monsters, and you kill monsters. I was an idiot to think that would ever change” you sighed, doing your best to ignore the anger bubbling up in your belly.

You just felt like such an idiot.

How could he have actually thought this whole thing was going to be a good idea? After all this time, it was almost as if he didn’t know you at all.

“I loved you, more than anything” he tried, not understanding how you’d managed to go from what you’d been like fifteen minutes ago to this. Fighting wasn’t new for the two of you, but this was.

Something about this was different.

This wasn’t fighting for the sake of it, knowing that you would find a way to make up when it was all over. It actually felt like you didn’t think he cared about you, which couldn't have been farther from the truth.

When you two were together, he’d never once doubted the way he felt for you. Though, you weren’t sure that you could be so convinced, because whether he believed it or not, you knew Jace better than he knew himself.

“I wish I could believe that”

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yourtamaki · 3 years

Text

history doesn’t repeat, it rhymes

sakusa x gn!reader

word count: 4.1k

warnings: angst, hurt/comfort, elements of depersonalization, non-explicit mentions of sex

dedicated to: @onyxoverride (thank you for beta reading) & @saintdabi

you can’t remember the last time you saw your reflection.

it wasn’t deliberate, the way you turned your back to the full length mirror in your closet every morning when you got dressed, how you usually dodged your reflection coming out of the shower like you did just now. at least, not at first. not until you realized how much better you felt now that you didn’t have to come face to face with a stranger everyday. that was the only word to describe whatever lived in the mirror. a stranger. any recognizable part of you had rotted away long ago. all that remained now was an empty husk with dead eyes and a selfish heart. the same selfish heart that set you on this path in the first place.

was it worth it? you wanted to ask your past self. was his love worth what you did to yourself?

the very first night you met sakusa set the tone for the rest of your relationship. you’re still not entirely sure why you accepted your roommate, hinata’s, invitation to his team’s party to celebrate their record win streak. it probably had something to do with the puppy dog eyes he threw you. regardless, you went, wearing an outfit you were losing confidence in by the second and leaning against a wall as far from the drunk crowd as you could get. you never liked parties like this. too many people, too loud. but for your best friend, you were willing to grit your teeth and bare it.

a part of you, larger than you would ever admit, wishes you never looked to your left that day. wishes that you never spotted the curly haired man looking so sullen despite half his face being covered with a mask, that you didn’t notice the way his eyes flickered from his empty red cup to where you knew the kitchen to be, how he wearily eyed the crowd of people that separated him from it.

“i was about to grab a drink. i can bring something back for you if you’d like?” the first thing you ever said to the love of your life was a lie. you were planning on staying tucked in your corner all night, safe from the dancing drunks who had no concept of personal space until hinata was ready to leave. and yet the words were almost ripped out of you the moment your eyes landed on him, a fierce need to help the man flaring up from nowhere. you could only assume he had separated himself from the party for the same reason you had and it pulled on your heartstrings. no one ever noticed when you needed help so why not extend that courtesy to him instead? he blinked at you as though he had to process your offer before he nodded.

“yes, please i’d appreciate it.” his voice was different than you expected it to be. slow and calm despite the way his fist clenched and unclenched. “just water. a closed bottle if you can find it.”

his brows furrowed for a moment when you held out your hand before letting out a quiet ah and handing you his empty cup. it was endearing how he placed it in your hand, balancing it carefully on your palm.

“be right back.” you shot him a smile and started to make your way across the floor, getting pushed and jostled the entire way there. you made quick work of tossing the garbage into the overflowing trash bag and dug out two water bottles from behind a rack of beer cans in the fridge. the trip back was no easier and you breathed a sigh of relief when you were once again in your small private bubble with the man. the discomfort you endured, the skin crawling sensation of all those bodies too close to you was worth the way his eyes lit up when he saw you’d returned.

he accepted the cool bottle with a murmured thanks, pulling his mask down and tucking it under his chin. handsome was your first thought and his name was your second. the two distinct moles on his brow should’ve given it away that you were talking to sakusa kiyoomi. you’d seen enough of hinata’s games, heard enough stories to put a name to the face. he held your stare as you placed him in your mind, taking a sip from the bottle as he did. an urge to say something, anything to keep those eyes on you bubbled up hot and fast and you said the first thing that came to mind.

“my roommate’s your teammate.”

“is he? which one?”

“hinata. shoyo.” you added as though there was another hinata on the msby roster.

“ah. my condolences.” the corner of his lips quirked up when you snorted. “i’ve seen how he leaves a locker room. i don’t want to imagine what his room looks like.”

“it’s not pretty, that’s for sure.” you said, leaning your shoulder against the wall and taking a moment to regard him. “can i ask why you’re here? shoyo told me you don’t like crowds so a party must be hard on you.”

“would you believe me if i said contractual obligations?”

“nope cause i helped shoyo go through his contract and i don’t remember ragers being a part of the deal.” a small burst of pride bloomed in your chest when he laughed, a quick huff from his nose and amused eyes as though he didn’t expect it.

“you got me.” you waited for him to explain and deflated a bit when he remained silent. that is, until you followed where his eyes had wandered. it was easy to spot hinata from across the party. he sat high above the rest of the crowd on bokuto’s shoulders, leaning back occasionally to test bokuto’s reaction time and giggling every time he was caught at the last moment. meian was trying in vain to pull the ginger down while atsumu seemed to be on facetime with someone recording the whole thing, his loud laughter ringing out clearly over the music.

“you’re here for them?” you said just as the realization dawned on you. sakusa twitched, so small you wouldn’t have noticed if you hadn’t been watching him so closely.

“spending time with your teammates promotes better gameplay on the court.”

“i’m sure it does. but wanting to hang out with your friends isn’t a crime.”

“we are hanging out. i’m here, aren’t i? if they wanted to talk to me, they know where to find me.” the bitterness in his tone wasn’t enough to mask the acceptance behind his words, of being resigned to his fate as the forgotten one.

“well, i found you.” he looked over at you, something unreadable swimming behind his eyes before they softened.

“yeah. you did. you know, you’ve talked a lot about shoyo but i don’t know anything about you. i don’t even know your name.” he said. heat raced to your cheeks, flustered that he seemed to be paying as much attention to you that you were to him.

“i didn’t even notice, sorry.” you said before offering your name. he repeated it back, once, twice, rolling it around on his tongue and you watched his mouth, mesmerized by how it curled around a word you’ve heard your whole life until it sounded new again. he spoke your name in a soft, hushed whisper and you wondered if his lips would feel just as soft. half-lidded, his gaze flickered downwards like he was wondering the same thing.

the rest of the night was a blur in your mind. all you could recall was that you chatted with sakusa until the others found you and you drove a passed-out hinata home with a new contact saved to your phone.

the reminiscing left you drained, clutching your phone in your hands, the screen frozen on that same contact as you collapsed into bed and yet you couldn’t stop the rest of the memories from flooding through your mind, the truth you’ve been holding off for too long. you’ve picked at a festering wound that was best left alone. if you didn’t think too hard about it, if you ignored how it grew and ate away at you, it wouldn’t hurt as much. right? but it was too late. you’ve pulled the string and now you’re left to deal with your own unraveling.

you scrolled through your texts for what feels like a lifetime, the entirety of your relationship flashing by and disappearing in an instant until you could scroll no higher. of course you sent the first text. a formal message that didn’t look anything like how you actually text with one too many exclamation points in your desperation to come across friendly.

your fingers moved across the screen and when your mind caught up, your thumb was hovering over the button to delete the entire conversation. you never wanted to see evidence of who you used to be ever again. you didn’t want to be reminded of the person you cut and broke and killed until they fit into sakusa’s neat life. but sentimentality stilled your hand, the phone dropping from your limp fingers and crashing to the floor. you didn’t bother reaching for it.

the accursed memories refuse to let you be, another bobbing up to the surface from the murky depths and pulling you under before you could stop it. one that showed what little agency you had in your own life.

it started the way it always did. you noticed him. noticed how tired he was every time you spoke. how you went from going out on dates to always staying in to maybe being lucky enough to say good night over the phone before he crashed for the day. and sure, you were lonely. so starved for him it ached. but that was overshadowed by your worry for him. you would lay awake wondering if he’d remember to eat that day, if he had the energy to clean his apartment and if he didn’t, how much was that adding to his stress?

so you swung by his place the next morning after he had left for practice, spent the day cleaning, restocked his fridge and were nearly done making dinner when he returned. his exhaustion was truly hammered home when he walked straight past the kitchen on autopilot before doubling back, tilting his head at you in confusion.

“what are you doing here, darling?”

“helping out.” you turned back to the stove and busied yourself with mindless stirring, afraid that you’d been too eager and overstepped. “you seemed pretty tired these days so i wanted to do something for you but you’re back earlier than i expected so i can just go if you want to be alone just let me-”

your rambling was cut off when a force barrelled into you and sakusa hugged you tight from behind, head buried in the crook of your shoulder. all at once, whatever anxiety had been growing fled you and you relaxed into his touch.

“thank you.” it wasn’t the words that made your heart leap to your throat. it was the sincerity, the slight crack at the end that told you he had more he wanted to say but didn’t know how.

you fell into a routine of going over to his apartment, looking after things, kissing him when he returned and staying over at night. at first, it was once a week. then over the weekend, then every other day.

“you should move in.” even though you half expected your relationship to take this next step, it still took you by surprise the casual way sakusa brought it up. you weren’t entirely sure if you wanted to move in with him just yet. you built a home with hinata and that apartment meant everything to you, all your happiest memories were made there and oh no sakusa was still waiting for an answer.

“i should?”

“yeah.”

and that was the end of it. you were packed and out of hinata’s apartment (because it was his now. his and atsumu’s. not yours, it’ll never be yours again) by the end of the month. most of your things didn’t come with you but that was fine, right? so what if you still felt like a guest in your home even to this day with none of yourself being reflected in the apartment? you got to wake up to see the love of your life every day and that made everything worth it.

until you started waking up alone.

extra training, he said. the team drafted new players and he had to get used to their play style, he said. and you believed him, trusted that he’d be home with you if he could. so you took the crushing loneliness and swallowed it down like a bitter pill. you smiled wide when he came home late with only the moon to light your bedroom and let him use your body to rid the stress of the day.

the dead of night was the only time you’d have him all to yourself. you could be greedy for his attention when he was buried inside you. it was easy to pretend you clawed up and down his back because you were caught up in the moment and not because you were desperate to keep him close to you. easy to pretend the tears in your eyes were from pleasure and not from how much you missed his voice.

and when he was empty and spent, you would stroke his hair until he fell asleep and then, only then, would you whisper all the things you couldn’t tell him during the day. small, meaningless anecdotes that you knew would earn you a wry smile if he was awake to hear them, the one he used when he didn’t want to let on how close he was to laughing. the stolen moments were a salve on your fractured heart but it was never enough to heal it. in the end, when you were once again alone in your too-wide bed, it only served to remind you just how deep the cracks were.

maybe that’s where you went wrong. you gave away your heart to someone and got nothing in return, nothing to plug up the all-consuming void in your chest. there was nothing left of you. no, that wasn’t quite true. there was nothing good left of you. you gave him your best parts and all you had now was pure resentment that burned hot and fierce in your core, so acidic it ate everything in its path. it burned away the dredges of your soul until all you could do was allow it to climb up and scorch your throat in a silent scream.

another memory. it’s strange what your brain chose to latch onto as you spiralled. on the surface, you remember this to be a happier time. but as it overtook you, you’re reminded almost violently that the edges of this memory are stained with the early decay of your identity.

before the early mornings and late nights, before you got into the habit of staring at your ceiling and wondering how you got to that point, you and sakusa had a tradition. you’d both find something, a story, a movie, that you think the other doesn’t know and share it with them. that day sakusa came to you with the myth of orpheus and eurydice.

he told you the story of a man so in love with his wife he journeys to the underworld after she dies to find her, how hades tells him he can guide her to the land of the living but orpheus must trust that eurydice is following him. if he turns around, eurydice’s fate is sealed. sakusa explained how in every version of the myth, orpheus turned around at the very end out of an uncontrollable, unfiltered love for his wife. whether it was because he was excited to see the end of the tunnel and wanted to share his joy with her or because he feared she got lost, either one stems from the love he has for her. the love that sent him to find her is the same love that doomed her in the end. but the more sakusa spoke about orpheus, the more you wondered about the other protagonist of the story.

“why didn’t eurydice try to let orpheus know she was there? she could’ve held his hand or touched his back or something.” you asked. you were laying your head on sakusa’s chest, letting the low rumble wash over you as he read you the tale. the question had been bugging you as the story came to its conclusion though you couldn’t place your finger as to why.

“she was a spirit. she would pass right through him.”

“yeah but…” you searched for the words to explain your confusion. “she didn’t even try.”

“it wouldn’t have mattered either way.”

you opened your mouth to press the issue further, too stubborn to let it go just yet when you heard sakusa sigh out of his nose. it was enough for any question to die on your tongue and all that came out was a quiet, “i guess so.”

it was a nothing memory. an empty thing to remind you of better times that you’ve had no need to look back on. so why did that moment swirl around your head now, as you crumbled in your lowest moments? scattered pieces start to form together in the recesses of your mind but before you could call them forth to make a full image, the bedroom door swung open and sakusa walked in.

for once, you don’t slip on your well worn porcelain mask. you don’t school your expression and force it to mold into something that couldn’t quite be called happy. instead, you sat up straight in bed, held his gaze and did nothing to hide the maelstrom of hurt that raged inside you. a sick satisfaction shot through your veins when his steps faltered at the force of your stare.

“what’s wrong?” he asked.

what isn’t? you thought but instead said, “nothing. i was just thinking. about us.”

“oh.” his eyes are already sliding away from you, a quiet detachment in his voice that made you grind your teeth in frustration.

“remember that greek story you told me about?”

“mhmm.”

“tell me again why eurydice didn’t reach out.” there it is again. a short, sharp exhale from his nose. he opened his mouth but you spoke before he could. “humour me.”

“she was dead, darling. she couldn’t touch him, he couldn’t hear her so there was no point.”

“no point? there was no point in trying to tell orpheus that she was behind him? he climbed into the underworld for her and she couldn’t try?”

“could you--?” he cut himself off and pinched the bridge of his nose. “it’s late. i’m exhausted and really not in the mood so can we go to bed?”

“doesn’t that sound familiar?” you continued as though he hadn’t spoken. “one person bending heaven and hell for the person they love while the other can’t even meet them halfway. remind you of anything?”

now you had his full attention. his brows scrunched together and you’re not sure if he’s trying to figure out the meaning behind your words or the reason for your hostile tone. you don’t feel like helping him out either and instead watched the gears turn in his head with something akin to glee. it’s his turn to be paranoid, to overthink, to pick apart every moment of your relationship and dissect it piece by rotted piece.

“please don’t be vague. if you’re upset with me, tell me.” it was the most emotion you’ve heard from him in so long, you were taken aback for a moment.

“i’m a bit past ‘upset’, omi.”

“i’m sorry.”

you scoffed. “you don’t even know what you’re apologizing for.”

“you’re hurt and it’s my fault. that's enough for me to say sorry.”

“you don’t understand.” he crossed the room in three large strides, sitting on the edge of the bed to leave space between you.

“then help me understand.”

you floundered for the right words to explain the mountain of revelations you’ve uncovered and settled for, “how do i take my coffee, kiyoomi?”

he took your use of his full name in stride. “black. one sugar.”

“no that’s how you take your coffee. that’s the only way you ever make coffee. i had to learn to like it.”

“what, you’re mad i don’t know how you like your coffee?” you know he didn’t mean anything by it, that’s he's always been more blunt that he means to be but it doesn’t stop you from feeling patronized and the hurt loosened your tongue.

“it’s not about the coffee! it’s not about the fact that eurydice was a ghost. it’s the effort, omi. you haven’t put an ounce of effort into this relationship. i’m the one who has to bend. i’m the one that has to change, it’s never you.”

“i never asked you to.” the truth of the statement knocked the air out of your lungs. because that's the worst part, isn’t it? you have no one to blame your misery on but yourself.

“i don’t know how to love you without sacrificing pieces of myself. and i’m empty, kiyoomi, i've given you all of me. and it feels like you’ve given me nothing in return.”

his head was bowed while he listened but from how tight he laced his fingers together, you know he was fighting to stay calm. “you know i love you, right?”

“do you? do you love me or love that i’m convenient? love that i clean your place and make you food and have a hole you can--”

“stop.” you didn’t know it was possible for so much heartbreak to be packed into a single word. it sobered you of your venom and in its place, shame came rushing in.

“i’m sorry. i'm pissed at myself for letting it get this far and i’m taking it out on you. i don’t regret loving you. but it feels like that’s the only thing living inside me. like i’m not even a person anymore.”

“i should’ve noticed. it shouldn’t have taken you snapping for me to realize what was going on.”

“maybe.”

silence, suffocating silence, stretched and morphed time until it felt like you’ve aged a decade in a moment. and then sakusa spoke.

“you’ll help a stranger just because they look like they might need it and ask for nothing in return. you’ll make someone food just so you can be sure they ate that day. you’ll tell me about your day while i fall asleep and i don’t think i could sleep without hearing your voice. you’re kind and too selfless for your own good and the best person i’ve ever met. it kills me that i’ve been the cause of your pain.”

it was strange hearing those traits spun in a good light when you’ve thought of them negatively for so long. strange knowing where you saw faults he saw things worth admiring. “you hear me at night?”

“and you like focusing on minor details. yes, darling. every night.”

“oh.”

“i understand if you need… space, if you want to spend some time apart. but give me a chance. please. give me a chance to prove how important you are to me. i’m sorry that i’ve failed you. i’m sorry i've been taking you for granted. but that ends now. never again.

“and i can help you, too. i can remind you of all the parts you say you’ve lost. i’ll tell you all about the person i fell in love with everyday if you need it. i’d never run out of things to say. please. you found me once, let me return the favour and help you find yourself. if-if you’ll have me.”

his small speech wasn’t the reason tears stung the back of your eyes. as he finished speaking, sakusa reached out across the space between you and offered you his hand. a lifeline that you took, the lump in your throat to keeping everything you wanted to say stuck inside you. thankfully, you needed no words for sakusa to understand you. he brought your joined fingers to his lips and let out a shaky breath against them. the two of you stayed like that for a small eternity, drifted apart yet holding together with a bridge to link you. you’ve been fueled by resentment and anger for so long, you weren’t sure if you were strong enough to let them go. but you did know that you didn’t want to try without him by your side.

#sakusa x reader #sakusa angst #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu angst #haikyuu imagine #sakusa kiyoomi x reader #sakusa kiyoomi angst #haikyuu!! x reader #haikyuu!! angst

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thewinterraven · 2 years

Text

Some incoherent run-on thoughts about MK dealing with being in the GSA and the more negative aspects of being near a lot of stressful people with a mutual lack of trust - feel free to ignore this whole thing it’s a mess

I can imagine that sometimes it would have been a struggle to handle being in the GSA for MK. (Not even just this AU, in any AU that has his history closely tied to Nightmare’s)

A lot of people in the GSA, because realistically not many of them would have been Star Warriors rather than ordinary GSA soldiers, would have disliked him.

Even Back in the golden days, when the war was going well. When things were looking up and the rumours and whispered comments about him and his history where distant and hidden behind the loud noises of good spirits. It must have been hard. So much harder than it seems to be for everyone else. It’s harder, and he doesn’t know how to make it easier when it’s other people causing the problem.

Well…it’s obviously him causing the problem; because it only seems to be him that’s finding it hard. But they are the ones that start the issues, so why is it him that’s the problem? It doesn’t seem fair, but no one else seems to know or understand, so it must be him. It must be. He hasn't done anything wrong, and yet he must have.

Sometimes the confrontations are more direct than Recruit rumours and Nightmare influencing whispers. Sometimes is a spat remark, or a more intense training session than normal that no one else seems to notice has some malicious undertones.

And Meta knight, he can’t do anything about it. It’s pressure that mounts, but he’s got to be calm and let it slide past because if he escalates it, it turns into See We Were Right About You.

Which could turn into something a lot nastier, much quicker.

And despite all of the peace that it can bring, life is truly cruel because the Good Times soften him. He begins to think maybe he can be like the people that it doesn’t happen to. Maybe its over. Maybe he’s no longer a problem. If his team and the other Generals don’t scream at him- if most of the time nowadays, there’s barely an issue at all - then perhaps he’s free. Things are good and he softens.

And every time, eventually, it all comes around again. Each time the pressure builds and builds and he can’t do anything about it. He doesn’t react emotionally, in fact most of the time he doesn’t feel the need to because after all he's been through, emotions are a bit of a void for him. Usually he's confused by others' emotional outbursts, or outright dismissive of them. But under this pressure that he can't express anything without making it worse just makes the pressure rise faster. And with it goes his feeling of self-control and he’ll have to find some place on base away from other eyes, stay still, and try not to react at all.

And the longer the gaps between it happening, the harder it is to keep the lid on. Each time the feeling of You Need To Leave hits him so strongly that it’s impulse to look for exits, for anything he might need to bring. Mind jumping instantly to places that might work as shelter, even though he doesn’t truly have a home. Of anything he can do to get out. Each time it reoccurs it knocks him, he’d forgotten how to hold all of the pressure down without it being constantly there…and now he’s trying to handle all of it at once and more.

It’s hard to be a problem for other people and not be able to solve himself. There’s no where else to go. Leaving means leaving behind everything good he’s ever known. Truly, he doesn’t want to leave at all.

And yet that pressure. It’s still there. The GSA is good for him until it’s not, and when it’s not it takes ages to re calibrate and recover. The trust he’s tried so hard to make for other people wilts. He’s a problem, he remembers. And whispers are loud when the good spirits are silent.

I think part of the reason that MK is often seen standing high on something (other than obviously liking the height), is because it’s hard to reach. It’s quick to leave a ledge if you can fly, even if he doesn’t ever really need to on base. Perhaps it settles the anxiety, that constant pressure. It helps the need to leave and get away, without him needing to do anything.

Idk, I’ve just had a lot of thoughts about it. I don't know what this even is. I just wondered how MK or any other member of the GSA would feel if their presence caused some of the other members unease.

#A thing happened and I am Projecting something fierce #but mainly this is just sheer unintelligible muttering #I was going to answer a Dragato ask but things took a sharp left turn #so Dragato tomorrow #Jecra comes in having just beaten some poor fool black and blue Like don't worry Bright Eyes I bought you some sweets and pulverised a fool

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fruitcoops · 3 years

Note

I think it would be really interesting for leo and sirius to talk ab how they both didn’t go to college and how they both joined the nhl at 18 but had v different upbringings

Ooo, I like this one! I’m always down for some Cap and Knutty bonding. SW credit goes to @lumosinlove!

TW for mentioned bad parenting

“Kinda weird, isn’t it?” Leo said, breaking the nighttime silence after many long minutes of just their breathing. Sirius hummed in question. “Starting all this so young.”

Sirius made a noncommittal noise and Leo shifted, never taking his eyes off the sky. There was too much light pollution to see the stars properly in Gryffindor, but the roof of the rink didn’t have a bad view; the planes flying overhead brought pinpricks of brightness to the indigo blur.

“Was it hard for you?”

He heard Sirius’ coat move. “Was what hard?”

“Starting the NHL at eighteen.”

There was a long beat of silence. “Sometimes.”

“I didn’t know if I would make it,” Leo confessed, still barely above a murmur. Nobody else was around, but it didn’t feel right to talk in normal voices. The whole world was muted, save for the noise of the city below them. “There was just so much to do.”

Sirius laughed softly. “I hate to break it to you, rookie, but that doesn’t change.”

“How do you deal with it?”

“Before, or now?”

Leo thought for a moment. “Both.”

“Before, I would go home and shoot pucks until I was too tired to stand up. Sometimes I would read.” It wasn’t a secret, but it still made Leo’s heart hurt to remember. Nobody as kind and hardworking as Sirius deserved that. “Now, I make myself some food, take a shower, and steal Re’s softest hoodie.”

Leo could hear his smile in the dark—it echoed his own. “Nothing better, huh?”

“Nope.”

“Finn’s fit me best,” he mused. “But Lo’s smell better.”

“Ah, he finally discovered deodorant?”

“Shut up,” Leo teased, elbowing his ribs. Sirius laughed a little louder; in the light of the streetlamps and the absence of his granite-hard focus, it was easy to remember that he was only 26. Leo had worshipped him as a kid, but now he just saw Sirius for what he was. His captain, who guided him through the playoffs even when his personal life was crumbling apart. His older brother, though Sirius certainly wouldn’t think of him that way. His friend.

“Really, though, it’s important to have those connections,” Sirius said when they both calmed down. “Being alone is good, but only if you know you have people to talk to when you need them.”

“Was it easier when you weren’t living with someone?”

“No.” The answer was immediate.

“Sometimes I want the apartment to myself.” Leo lowered his voice unconsciously, then sighed. “It’s not because I don’t want them there. I just need to be alone. Wash the dishes. Clean my room. Call my mom.”

“You should tell them.”

He turned his head slightly; Sirius was still scanning the sky. “Is that what you did?”

“It took a couple hiccups, but yeah. If one of us needs some alone time, the other will go to the grocery store or take a walk, maybe hang out with friends. You just have to make sure your boys know that it’s not personal.”

“You’re freakishly good at sage advice.”

Sirius snorted. “Merci, rookie.”

“I’m not a rookie anymore.”

“Yeah, you are.” He raised his hands, as if outlining a marquee. “The Eternal Rookie, starring Leo Knut.”

Leo stuck his tongue out, feeling rather petulant about the whole thing. “Watch it, Cap, I’m gonna sic Dumo on you.”

“My own father?” Sirius gasped dramatically. “How could you?”

“Did you ever get homesick?”

The question was out of the blue—he didn’t blame Sirius for faltering. Honestly, Leo was kicking himself for asking in the first place, though he had been keeping it in for ages. Unspoken rule of the Lions #1: Don’t ask Cap about his childhood.

“I…” Sirius fell silent once more.

“I’m sorry,” Leo apologized, and he meant it. “That came out of nowhere.”

“I missed Regulus,” Sirius continued carefully without acknowledging him. “But no, I didn’t get homesick. I didn’t have time, or a real reason.”

Alone in a new city, finally out of a horrible living situation, but desperately missing the little brother he left behind… Leo couldn’t even begin to imagine going through it when the NHL by itself was already overwhelming to his teenage brain. He scooted an inch closer until their shoulders touched. “I get homesick every couple of months.”

“You have a kind family.”

“Have you even met them?”

“At the party.” Sirius’ smile was practically audible. “Your mother was very excited to see me.”

“Oh, god,” Leo groaned. “What happened?”

“She—“ He broke off with a laugh. “She was very nice, I promise, but I think I surprised her because she squeaked when I said ‘hello’.”

Leo shook his head. “Did you sneak up on her?”

“I’m six two, I can’t sneak up on anyone!”

“You walk like a fucking ghost, dude! It’s creepy!”

“Okay, rude.”

“I swear, you and Loops need to be belled like cats,” Leo huffed.

They lapsed back into comfortable quiet for a few more minutes as a train rattled past on one side and the metro busses rolled down Main Street on the other. It had taken Leo a long time to figure out Gryff’s layout, and even longer to get used to the sounds of the city.

“What does it feel like?”

Leo blinked, unsure if he had heard correctly. “What?”

“Being homesick.” Sirius shifted again and folded his hands over his stomach. “I didn’t notice much of a difference in practices when I started the NHL, and going back to my parents’ house wasn’t my exactly a highlight of my year.”

Curiosity overrode his tact and reasoning skills. “You never asked Logan?”

“Non. It was different, with him. He had already left to go to college before I knew him, and spent four years away from his family.”

“Right.” Leo forgot about that on occasion. That Finn and Logan might be five years older than him, but they had only been rookies a year or two prior. Not everyone went straight from their city select team to an official draft. “It’s hard to describe.”

Sirius made an understanding noise, but he couldn’t entirely mask his disappointment. Leo licked his lips and tried again.

“It’s like a piece of you isn’t where it’s supposed to be. And it keeps tugging on your chest, but you never know when it’s going to start and stop so you just… deal with it. You ignore it some days and you think about it other days.” He swallowed around the lump in his throat. “The hard days are when you remember you can’t go back to the way things were before. I don’t even call my mom sometimes, ‘cause I know it’ll make me sadder.”

“The way things were before?”

“Yeah, like—like all my classmates are in college, and I’m laying on a roof with one of the most famous hockey players in the history of forever.” That drew a light laugh from them both. “I’m gonna go back to my reunion in a couple years and have literally nothing in common with the people I used to be friends with.”

“Sometimes I wish I went to college,” Sirius said. “But I would have missed so much if I did. I don’t think I would have been happy there.”

“Finn and Logan get weird about college.” Maybe he shouldn’t be talking about it, but Leo had the feeling none of their conversation would leave the rooftop. “It was hard for them, with all their shit.”

“Re does, too.” He recognized the sad edge in Sirius’ voice; it was the same as his own. “For a different reason. It started good, and ended bad.”

“I’m glad I missed out on that,” Leo said, biting down the urge to scream at the universe for putting their significant others through so much hardship at an already-difficult time. None of them deserved the pain they went through. “Besides, it’s not like we need degrees to play hockey, and we’ll have plenty of money afterward.”

“I never thought about my life after hockey until my ankle.”

“My parents always pushed me to make sure I wanted to do the NHL instead of more school.”

“You’re lucky to have them.”

“I wish you did.”

The words hung suspended between them before Leo could swallow them back down, somehow dangerous and calming at the same time. It wasn’t like he had never thought about it before; he just hadn’t said it out loud. The first time he had seen Sirius’ parents across the rink had given him a case of the heebie-jeebies so strong he had to shower twice. All the times after that just made him angry.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Sirius’ voice was quiet, but not upset. “You’re not the first person to say it. I’m glad you feel like you can be honest with me.”

Leo frowned. “Well, yeah. Obviously.”

“I try really hard to not be an asshole captain, so it actually does mean a lot.”

“I don’t think you could be an asshole if you tried.”

The barking laugh that split the night startled Leo so bad he nearly jumped out of his skin; Sirius clapped a hand over his mouth, though he was still snickering. “Sorry, sorry, I just—holy shit, I forgot you didn’t know me before. Mon dieu.”

“You weren’t that bad,” Leo protested. “Pots said you used to be grumpier, but that’s it.”

Sirius shook his head, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. “I was such a dick. There’s not a single picture of the whole team where I’m smiling for about two years and I was such a stickler for the rules.”

Leo gaped at him. “You followed rules?”

“To the fucking letter. It was awful.”

“What happened?”

Sirius shrugged. “I got friends. Idiot friends who did things like showing me the easiest way onto the roof. Pots used to drag me up here every Friday.”

“Really?”

“Ouais.” Mischief flitted over his face. “He skipped date night with Lily once on accident, and she tracked us up here like a bloodhound. It was terrifying.”

“What did you do?” Lily was one of the nicest people Leo knew, but he knew better than to get on her bad side.

“Lied to her face while James hid behind that strobe light.”

“Did it work?”

“Are you kidding?” he snorted. “She called me a liar and suggested getting a better best friend. That was after she told James he’s better have something nice planned for their next date if he ever wanted to get in her pants again.”

“And yet you didn’t listen to her.” Leo tsked. “Of all the people on the team, you chose the hot mess.”

“Trust me, rookie, James had his whole life figured out compared to me.”

“Did you…” Leo trailed off and but his lip. He had pushed his luck a lot already; who knew if one more question would be the tipping point? “Did you ever think about coming out? Even just to Pots.”

Sirius didn’t hesitate. “After every single game.”

“For seven years?”

“Up until the day those pictures were leaked. Even more after Re and I were together.”

“How old were you when you knew?”

“13. You?”

Leo exhaled slowly. “I’m not sure. I think I had an idea of it as a kid, but didn’t really get it until I was in high school. My parents were even more worried about the NHL after I told them.”

“They worry a lot about you.”

“Only child, and I was going for a wildly unstable career path with no guarantee that I would ever see the ice.”

“They’re proud of you. More than you know.” Sirius’ watch beeped. “It’s ten o’clock. Are you supposed to be home?”

“I should probably make sure my boys haven’t burned down the apartment.” Neither of them made an attempt to move. “Can we do this again sometime?”

“Of course.”

You’re like a brother to me, he wanted to say. I don’t know who else I can talk to like this. “Thank you.”

“Any time. We don’t have to do extra practice beforehand, either.”

Leo nudged him gently. “You’re the best captain ever.”

“You’re the best rookie, rookie.”

“I’m not a rookie.”

“Yeah, you are.”

Yeah, I am, he thought as they laid side-by-side in silence once more with the past behind them and the future ahead. And if I end up like you, it means I did something right.

#leo knut #sirius black #coops #oknutzy #finn ohara #logan tremblay #sweater weather #lumosinlove #my fic #fanfic #friendship #cap and rookie

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phoenixyfriend · 3 years

Note

For your suddenly omegaverse au what exactly happened? Like I think obiwan and Anakin hop over from cannon verse to omegaverse but I am unclear on if there already existed obiwan and Anakin in omegaverse. Did they die early or do they just not exist or are they just not force sensitive and therefore not a part of the order? Is there still a sith conspiracy around Anakin?

Context: Original Post, Surrogacy, Worldbuilding, Obi-Mom, Soap Operas

So, from the original post:

There is no preexisting Anakin in the Omegaverse

Obi-Wan and Anakin just straight up don’t exist until they drop headfirst into the council room, already covered in blood.

To clarify: There has never been an Anakin Skywalker in this AU. There has never been an Obi-Wan Kenobi.

They don't know this for sure when they land in the AU, though. All they know is that the Jedi have no record of either of them. They figure, well, maybe they just got lost in the shuffle. Anakin wasn't found until he was nine, after all, and that was only by great coincidence.

The rest of this post has almost no mention of the omegaverse elements, FYI.

Warning: References to the Tusken massacre, explicit sedation and isolation of a mentally unstable individual threatening violence.

I don’t want to make light of institutionalization and involuntary holds, but Anakin is a character with a history of violence talking about repeating such an act, and that’s... a bit of an extreme case.

------

It's not that hard to convince the Temple to let them run a mission that lets them stop by Tatooine or Stewjon. Anakin cares a lot more, so Tatooine it is! Obi-Wan can tell there's something sketchy going on with Anakin's particular anxiety about this, but he rolls with it. Anakin was very specific about the timing for some reasons, and at this point, it's easier to just let it all play through.

They go well after the whole “congrats, you’re omegas... somehow,” thing has happened, a month or so before Geonosis would have happened. Obi-Wan has managed to help the council sabotage and delay the Separatist side of the war enough that they’ve gained... maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months. Just a little more time to keep a few more people alive. Nobody’s reached out to Kamino yet, and Jango isn’t staging a failed assassination to draw someone in, either. They’ve bought enough time for Anakin to spend his vacation time checking in on his mom seeing if he exists here, and Obi-Wan can go with him.

They get to Tatooine. They wander about, and Anakin doesn't actually explain where they're going, but takes them straight to where the Lars farm is. Obi-Wan lets Anakin tell him that it was the Force that led him to the right area. Anakin can sense that his mom is in there, and Obi-Wan chalks up the relief from his former padawan to 'she's here and we don't have to look for her.'

Anakin is... panicking. Just a bit. What if he shows up and it turns out this reality's Anakin is off doing something completely unrelated and she realizes he's the wrong person? Or what if she doesn't recognize him and he calls her Mom anyway? What if he fucks up and says something stupid or just starts crying on her? She'll think he's insane.

Obi-Wan... takes over.

Anakin stays hidden, listening. Obi-Wan knocks on the door, and asks if there's a 'Shmi Skywalker' in residence. Someone in town mentioned her. He explains that he has a young friend of about twenty years--they're not sure, exactly, because the friend doesn't know his own birthday, but it's about there--who happens to be a Skywalker, and they're trying to see if they can reconnect him with a parent. They don't have much to go off of other than the surname... the Shmi that lives here wouldn't happen to have ever had any children about that age?

No. She hasn't had any children of her own blood, actually, her only child is her stepson, but she'd be happy to meet this other Skywalker, if he's in the area. It's always nice to find family, and connecting with those that were separated from you is a big deal on Tatooine. She's not going to look a gift bantha in the mouth.

(Cliegg, dear, put down the rifle.)

Obi-Wan promises to let his friend know, bids them goodbye, and goes to find Anakin.

Anakin is having a bit of a breakdown.

As one does.

Anakin insists that they stick around for a bit, that they do what they can to protect the farm, because that's his mom, even if she's not really his mom, and Obi-Wan can tell there's a Lot Going On here. He assumes it's because Anakin's upset his mom doesn't know him, which is a little irrational on account of their two options being "Anakin doesn't exist (and so Shmi doesn't know him)" and "Anakin does exist (but Shmi doesn't know this Anakin, so she still doesn't know him)," but Anakin's not a very rational person.

Obi-Wan thinks tamping down the current crisis is probably a little more important than chastising Anakin's attachment issues, mostly because Anakin's hands are shaking, and he's looking a little wild-eyed, and like. Obi-Wan's not great at dealing with Anakin's many and varied emotions, but he's learned at some point when it's best to just... roll with it Until There's Less Risk of Stab or Sobbing Laughter.

He helps figure out some minor fuckery with the Force to hide the family in the homestead behind them from visitors, and to warn them to hide when someone comes by. It’s not a lot--mostly just meditating and asking the Force for a helping hand--but it’s nice.

Except, well, Anakin keeps fidgeting. He keeps panicking. He has them coming back almost daily for a week, always too scared to talk to his mom but insistent on protecting her, and always looking at the calendar. Obi-Wan wants to get back to the Temple, but whatever the actual hell is going on with Anakin is too big to just ignored.

A specific day comes and goes. Anakin is a mess of jitters and nerves, and finally Obi-Wan asks just the wrong (right?) question, and... they visit Shmi.

Anakin says they can talk later, he just wants to see his mom One Last Time.

(Obi-Wan is getting more and more worried, but he sits through the incredibly awkward meeting between Anakin and his alt-universe mom, watches as Anakin has no idea what to say and almost cries, and Shmi just kind of lets him do that and Beru--a sweet girl, Obi-Wan thinks, and very practical--tells him that this is all very normal for reunited slaves.)

(Obi-Wan wonders if maybe there’s some stuff Anakin never told him about how being a slave affected him.)

(Obi-Wan had thought they’d moved past most of this, but..)

The meeting ends. There’s hugging.

They get back to the ship, and Obi-Wan gets to watch Anakin fall apart. Obi-Wan gets to watch Anakin cry and scream into a pillow, hyperventilate and nearly punch a hole in the wall as he rages about how it was all for nothing! Obi-Wan gets to watch Anakin break into a million pieces in a way he’s never seen before.

Obi-Wan gets a confession.

Anakin tells him about the Tuskens.

It’s not an easy conversation. It’s not a short conversation, either. Anakin’s full of pain and misery and rising guilt, talks about how he’s been asking himself if it would be easier to keep his mother safe if he just killed them all now, except Obi-Wan would know, and be disappointed, and sure the Chancellor had said that they were little more than rabid animals, but Anakin doesn’t think he can kill the younglings again when his mom is still fine, and--

Obi-Wan sedates him.

He wants to say that he’s not proud of this, but... Anakin isn’t well. Anakin isn’t well in a way that is currently, specifically, revolving around doing extreme violence. Anakin is talking about going out and committing a slaughter as preventative maintenance.

Anakin stays sedated until they get back to the Temple, and he’s put in Force-suppressant cuffs--Obi-Wan quietly tells them to use something that can’t be sliced or taken apart by a droid specialist, and to avoid collars because Anakin was a slave for nearly a decade, and has a lot of traumatic associations--and in an isolated room.

It’s not a cell. Not technically.

He can’t just leave, though.

Obi-Wan hates himself for it, just a little. He doesn’t want to be doing this, not to his padawan, his brother, his son, but... a massacre. Even the younglings, he’d said.

(“He said he didn’t think he could do it again,” Obi-Wan mutters, half to himself and half to the mind healer that asks for his rundown of the situation. “I think he knows it was wrong, but...”)

(But he still did it, of course.)

It’s... better than Obi-Wan feared, but worse than he hoped.

Anakin is emotionally unstable. He has been, for a long time, but he’s usually functional. When the mind healer isn’t directly poking at his worst wounds, Anakin can more or less pass for... not okay, necessarily, but no worse than anyone else in the war had. He can say the right words. He can do a joint meditation. He can talk about philosophy the way a Knight that’s taken all the right classes does.

But part of Anakin still holds to the idea that the Tuskens deserved to die.

“This is my fault,” Obi-Wan whispers, more than once, resting his head in his hands, elbows on his knees. “I should have...”

“He was an adult,” says Mace, who isn’t Mace, not the one that Obi-Wan knows, but a newer friend, one that’s still figuring how to act around him. “Young, but still an adult. He made that choice.”

Obi-Wan doesn’t answer. Things aren’t that simple.

“The timing can’t have been a coincidence,” Obi-Wan mutters to himself, later on, but in the same spot, and the same position.

The Quinlan of this universe shrugs. He knows Obi-Wan better than most, right now. Psychometry’s helpful that way, and sharing Obi-Wan’s heat hadn’t hurt. “Seems likely. You said Sith were involved and setting traps, and a kid like yours, with that much power and trauma... ripe for the molding.”

Obi-Wan whines, and then catches the noise and stuffs it back down, locks it up tight with the other ‘instinct’ things he doesn’t like to think about having. The sound already has Quinlan shifting closer, and the smell is... intended to be comforting, he thinks. Reacting to his own distress, which he’s probably just pumping out right now, because he still doesn’t know how to--

“Can I help?” Quinlan asks, and Obi-Wan lets him.

Someone gets through to Anakin, maybe, or he just lets himself be ground down, or Obi-Wan’s entreaties that he can’t teach Ahsoka until he understands his crimes get through. He won’t be trusted around the clones until the Jedi can trust him to do the right thing, they inform him.

“I wouldn’t hurt the clones.”

“Nobody’s going to believe that until you understand your crimes and truly, actually feel remorse for them.”

There wasn’t a crime, technically. Not in this universe. That tribe is still alive, here, unknowing of the fate they escaped by dint of Anakin talking himself down from committing another slaughter.

(He tells the mind healer it’s because Obi-Wan was there.)

(He might have done it, he says, if he hadn’t thought Obi-Wan would be disappointed in him.)

(He says it like it’s a foregone conclusion, that Obi-Wan’s opinion is worth more than the horror of what he might become.)

“We’re going to keep an eye on anyone talking to Palpatine,” Shaak tells him one day, after Anakin’s been mental instability hold for two weeks. “We don’t know for sure how far the similarities extend from your universe to ours, but given everything else you’ve been right about...”

“That bad?” Obi-Wan asks.

Shaak grimaces, fangs glinting in the light. “I want to believe we’d have never allowed a child into such a position, but I can’t know what political leverage may have been used in your dimension... whatever reason was had to put Skywalker in those rooms, we know the consequences now--”

“What did he do to my padawan?” Obi-Wan demands, because Anakin won’t even tell him that. Anakin hasn’t mentioned Palpatine since they left Tatooine. Not to Obi-Wan.

“Nothing physical,” Shaak manages. “But the lies he told and the suggestions he planted... it’s good they haven’t met again yet in this life. We’ll all be keeping them far apart.”

He wants to take solace in that. “Why do you know before I do?”

“Skywalker values your opinion,” she says. “Only yours. He doesn’t want you more disappointed in him than you already are, so much of what is relayed to the council as a matter of security goes no further, but this was deemed necessary to share. He agreed to it, if you worried we’d broken his confidence.”

Anakin’s therapy would normally be entirely private.

Anakin’s therapy would normally not be in response to confessions of mass slaughter.

He hasn’t asked to be let out, which Obi-Wan hopes is a sign that he realizes at least subconsciously that he was in the wrong. The mind healer says he could have been released under watch by a Master probably a day or two after he arrived, but seems to be drawing some kind of comfort in knowing he couldn’t hurt someone even if he tried.

Obi-Wan is Anakin’s emergency contact. His next of kin. His healthcare proxy. Anakin has a right to privacy, minor as it is in such a situation, and everyone recognizes and treats him as an adult, but... Obi-Wan learns as much from the mind-healer as he would have back when Anakin was actually a child.

“He trusts you to make the right decisions,” the mind healer tells him, careful and unassuming. “He has... a lot of conflicting opinions about many things, including the order, the coming war, the nature of human reproductive dynamics, the Code... but he seems keen on the idea that you are his best reference on morality and ethics.”

Oh, good, more horrifying responsibility.

“He’s better,” the mind healer tells him. “I want to get him out of here before he starts going stir crazy while still relying on the perceived safety as a crutch for his mental health. And he--”

“He’ll be staying with me,” Obi-Wan says, heavy as anything. “I know.”

“Well... there’s a war coming,” the mind healer says. She offers a thin smile when he looks at her. “I don’t want him going out, but it makes him feel useful, gives him a direction for the aggression, and... the Council is adamant that we’ll need him as much as we need you.”

It’s true.

“Did he tell you why everyone called him the Hero With No Fear?”

“No.”

“Ask him.”

#Anakin Skywalker #Obi Wan Kenobi #Shmi Skywalker #Mace Windu #Quinlan Vos #Shaak Ti #time travel #omegaverse #SW Suddenly Omegaverse #Phoenix Answers Asks #phoenix posts #Tusken Massacre #death mention #dehumanization mention #institutionalization tw #involuntary hold tw #sedation tw #involuntary sedation tw

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ncssian · 3 years

Text

A Favor: Part Twenty-Four

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: a short update resolving where we left off last week, to be soon followed by another gwynriel bonus scene. after that i am never going off the tracks of my fic outline ever again.

***

Nesta is going to commit murder. She really is.

Gwyn is the first to hop out of bed, rapidly tugging her T-shirt down to cover her bare girl parts. “I can explain—” she starts.

“You.” Nesta points at Azriel, who’s still sitting shirtless and confused. “You. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Be more specific.” Azriel slides off the bed and picks up a pair of panties from the ground, trying to hand them to Gwyn. Gwyn smacks his hand away, but the sight enrages Nesta all the same.

She nods to herself, her thoughts whirling. “Actually, I’m really glad you’re here,” she says. “I was considering sparing you, but now my mind is made up.” She rushes at Azriel without warning.

“Whoa, whoa, wait!” Gwyn jumps in front of a wide-eyed Azriel, arms outstretched to fend Nesta off.

Nesta reaches past Gwyn’s shoulder and jumps, trying to grab Azriel, hit him, anything. “My sister and my best friend?” she seethes, batting at him. “My sister and my best friend?”

“The hell are you going on about?” Azriel snaps over Gwyn’s head.

“You really have no shame, do you?” Nesta succeeds in pushing Gwyn out of her way, and comes up chest to chest with Azriel, all fiery glares. “You think you can get away with whatever you want because you’re the cool uncaring one, and you probably can, but not with me. We’re the same person, jackass.”

Before Azriel can respond, slim arms grab Nesta around the waist and start dragging her backwards into the hallway. Gwyn lets go of Nesta and slams the door shut after them, leaving Azriel inside the room alone.

“This is way too much for me to be doing without underwear!” Gwyn yells at her. “Will you please explain yourself?”

“What do I have to explain? He should be explaining himself!” Nesta flings her arm toward the bedroom. It’s not like Azriel is any random hookup of Elain’s. He’s also Nesta’s friend, and Nesta expected better from him.

Gwyn drops her head and rubs her freckled temples in exhaustion. “It’s not like I wasn’t there, too. Are you even going to ask why we were together? Do you have any questions at all, or are you just going to break into my home and assume he took advantage of me?”

Nesta shuts her mouth. She didn’t ask any questions, did she? She hasn’t even considered Gwyn’s part in this.

She clears her throat, her voice strained from shouting. “I thought you were at work.”

“Clearly I’m not.” Gwyn crosses her arms, then immediately drops them to readjust her short T-shirt.

Nesta bites. “Why? How? Since when did you guys even talk to each other?” Even after catching Azriel flirting on their ski trip, Nesta couldn’t have predicted that he and Gwyn would end up here. It’s far too much of a leap.

“It’s really not what you think it is.” Gwyn twists a piece of ruddy hair between her fingers. “He’s just… helping me get back into the dating pool. We made an agreement, and he’s doing me a huge favor.”

Nesta’s jaw drops. “By eating you out?”

Gwyn’s teal eyes meet hers. “I can’t ever have a chance with Max if I freak out when he eventually tries to take my clothes off. Especially when I want him to take my clothes off. So I decided after the ski lodge that I needed to get comfortable with sex again, and I… recruited Az to help.” She shrugs like it’s nothing.

Nesta is left with more questions than before. “So,” she holds up a hand, “the thought of doing it with Azriel doesn’t scare you? Not even a little?”

Gwyn scoffs. “If I didn’t know him from elementary school, then it probably would. Unfortunately, I’ve firsthand seen the guy shove crayons up his nose.” She casts a glance toward the bedroom door and lowers her voice. “And I honestly don’t have any proof that he doesn’t still do it.”

That’s—unfortunately understandable. It also explains why Azriel has been comfortable with Gwyn from the start, though Nesta doesn’t know why Gwyn didn’t tell anyone about their shared history.

“Look, Nesta, I know he’s your roommate,” Gwyn continues, “but I think you overreacted a little back there.”

Right. Does Gwyn even know about Azriel and Elain? “It wasn’t because of you,” Nesta tries to explain. “It was because—”

Before she can finish, the door clicks open and Azriel comes out, thankfully clothed in his shirt and gym shorts. He slides his hands into his pockets and says, “I’m joining before any more unflattering things can be said about me.”

Nesta’s lip curls into a sneer at the sight of him. “I wouldn’t let you run away from me anyway.” She crosses her arms and faces him down. “You agreed to teach Gwyn how to get comfortable with sex?”

The hallway is crammed now with Azriel’s height taking up most of the space, but he doesn’t seem to care as he leans against the wall and answers, “Hell yeah.”

Nesta is more than suspicious and untrusting right now, but she pauses to wonder: does Azriel know why Gwyn has such trouble with intimacy in the first place?

It’s none of her business, she decides. Except now she’s even more wary. “What do you get out of this little deal, huh? Or do you just volunteer to have sex with my friends out of the goodness of your heart?”

“I’m getting guitar lessons out of it,” he says without hesitating. “But it’s also the goodness of my heart.” He smirks.

Gwyn throws a surprised look in his direction. Nesta is more than ready to smack the smirk off his face with her bare hand, but she settles for her words instead. “What would Elain say if she knew, Azriel?”

Azriel’s face goes cold. “She has nothing to do with this.”

“I wish she didn’t,” Nesta says. “Explain why I have to comfort her when she wonders why you abandoned her without even a text message while you get to play around with my friends without a care in the world?”

Azriel might as well be made of stone. “You talked to her?”

“You’re a coward,” she hisses. “Do what you want, but know that you’re a coward until you explain yourself to her.” Nesta lets out a ragged breath and drags her stare to Gwyn.

Gwyn shakes her head quickly and raises her hands in defense. “I’m just trying to get laid. Don’t bring me into this.”

Nesta pats her arm. “Of course not, babe.” The last thing she wants is Gwyn involved with either of her sisters—which is why it would be preferable if Gwyn avoided Azriel altogether.

Gwyn lets out a big “Phew,” and cuts an unreadable look toward Azriel. He avoids her gaze.

“Let me get you a drink,” Gwyn says quickly to Nesta, starting to steer her toward the kitchen. Nesta shakes her off and steps away. “It’s okay; I’ll leave now. Also, I can see your—” She waves at Gwyn’s lower half.

Gwyn chuckles awkwardly and tugs her shirt back down, her cheeks flaring red. “I’ll go get your sweater.” She rushes back inside her room, leaving Nesta and Azriel alone in the hall.

Azriel says nothing, but Nesta stares him down until Gwyn returns wearing a pair of shorts and carrying Nesta’s sweater. “Here, I already washed it for you.”

Nesta breaks her gaze with Azriel to take her sweater. “Sorry for breaking into your room,” she tells Gwyn. “I didn’t mean to ruin your…” She nearly gags trying to finish her sentence, so she doesn’t bother. Instead, she turns back to Azriel. “I’m excited to see how those guitar lessons pay off. You’ll give us all a performance when this is over, hm?”

He doesn’t bother responding, and Nesta takes her leave.

***

“I still can’t believe him,” Nesta is grumbling while she and Cassian get ready for bed. “How long is he going to stay in the reading nook like that? I can’t get to my books and he knows it.”

“He’s punishing himself since you won’t,” Cassian says as he towels off his damp hair. Water droplets speckle his bare chest. “He won’t go back to his room as long as he feels guilty about Elain.”

Once Nesta decided that getting vengeance for Elain’s broken heart would do more harm to the cabin ecosystem than good, she chose to contain her anger at Azriel by pretending that he simply didn’t exist. As for Azriel… Azriel has been sleeping on the loveseat in the upstairs reading nook for the past five days. The two of them haven’t spoken since Nesta caught him in Gwyn’s bedroom.

Cassian himself has many thoughts about the choices Azriel has been making lately, and a part of him knows it would be easier for everybody if he just forced Az’s sorry ass back to Velaris. But Nesta is involved in this, too, and she has yet to give the order to kick Azriel out. Rather, she seems content to either ignore him or to burn judgmental stares into him.

Out of love for Azriel, Cassian can’t help but be relieved.

Nesta scoffs in response to Cassian, slathering lotion onto her legs. “Bullshit. He’s punishing me by taking away my reading nook, the bastard.” Done with her legs, she searches around the bed for her glasses, squinting because she can’t see a thing.

Withholding his amusement, Cassian goes over to her and plucks her glasses from the top of her head, sliding them onto her face. She blinks and gives a rare smile up at him when she realizes she can see again, then soon frowns as she casts her gaze about the room. “Where’s my book? Did I leave it at home again?”

Cassian knows Nesta calls the apartment home out of old habit, but it still makes jealousy sting in his chest. “I’ll get you another one,” he offers. “What do you want?”

She gives him the title for something that has to do with erotic Vikings that he immediately recognizes. It’s on the top shelf in the reading nook. He promises to return with the book.

The rest of the cabin is dark by now, but Az is still wide awake and staring up at the wooden beams that criss-cross the ceiling when Cassian sneaks into the nook. Moonlight coming in through the glass door leading to the balcony illuminates both of them.

Cassian doesn’t know whether to feel exhausted or irritated, so he passes by his brother without a word to look for the book.

He already confronted Azriel earlier about what the hell was wrong with him, and got nothing out of the man. Not even an apology. At which point Cassian wanted to beat some sense into him the way they used to during their school days, but restrained himself through some godly miracle.

He’s trying—really trying—not to shove his nose into Azriel’s decisions like that. If he does, he’ll end up being just as bad as Rhys.

Finding the worn paperback boasting a shirtless Nordic god on the cover, Cassian turns to leave.

“You know Nesta can get her books herself, right?” Az’s voice sounds velvety in the darkness.

Cassian bristles. “Don’t start.”

“You mad at me too?”

Yes, Cassian is mad. Mad that he seems to be the only brother with a working brain anymore. “When do you plan on getting your shit together?” he says.

“How?” Az replies. “By apologizing to Elain or by leaving Nesta’s friend alone?”

Cassian still can’t wrap his mind around the fact that the Gwyn who used to shy away from talking to him ran straight into Azriel’s arms for sex advice. On one hand, good for her. On the other, Cassian wishes she had less messy taste. “Both,” he grits, getting frustrated.

Az shrugs, still staring up at the ceiling. “I’m keeping my promise to Gwyn. No matter what.” He sounds nonchalant, but Cassian knows he’s serious.

His grip on the paperback tightens, because that’s still not a real answer to his question. “I warned you when you moved in that you were walking a thin line, Az. I’ve been nice for the past week, but at some point you’re gonna have to tell me why I shouldn’t kick you out right now and save myself and Nesta the headache.”

Azriel finally meets Cassian’s eyes, and his gaze is unreadable. “Do it, if that’s what you want. I don’t care.”

Cassian’s face darkens with rage. “Just watch me, then.” He leaves before he can throw the book at Azriel’s head.

Back at their bedroom, Nesta takes one look at him and asks, “What happened?”

He tosses the book onto the bed and doesn’t come any closer. “I told Azriel I’d kick him out.”

Her brow furrows in concern. “Will you go through with it?”

No. And Az knows it too, the asshole.

Cassian takes in a shallow breath. “I just want to be a good brother.” It’s why he can’t stop giving Az chances, even when it inconveniences the woman he loves. “I want to be a good brother, a good partner, a good friend. I want to be all those things at once.”

Nesta’s lip quirks up. “You’re definitely better at all that than I am.” She rests her chin on one bent knee and frowns. “What else do you want to be?”

“That’s it.” His shoulders slump. “Nothing else.”

Nesta gives an amused huff. “All those things are for other people, though. Forget me and Azriel; what do you want to be for yourself, Cassian?”

What do you want? Cassian remembers her asking him a long time ago.

That… he doesn’t have an answer for. He rubs the back of his neck and stares at the ground. “I dunno,” he says, trying to sound flippant.

Looking up with a smile, he goes over to Nesta’s side of the bed and crouches at her side. “Who has time to think about all of that, anyway? I’m already happy doing exactly what I do.”

Still frowning, Nesta shifts on the bed so she can better face Cassian on the ground. “Do you really not know?” she says quietly.

Letting his smile drop, Cassian presses his lips into a wavery line.

She takes his face in her cold, thin hands, and he lowers his head onto her lap. A pounding has started up behind his eyes.

“It’s okay if you don’t know,” she says when he doesn’t speak. Her hand travels to the spot between his shoulder blades, and she pats his back in consolation. “You’ll find out. I’ll still be here when you do.”

He doesn’t lift his head, because if he does he might cry, so she keeps patting his back for a long while.

***

The next night Cassian finds himself in the kitchen, as he often does lately. The gnocchi for dinner is missing something, but he can’t tell what it is.

Swiping some pomodoro sauce from his wooden spoon with a finger, he goes over to the kitchen island and holds it out to Nesta. She licks it off his finger and says, “More cream,” before going back to her rant. “But really, does Eris want me to hurt him? Because if he keeps acting like this I’m going to physically hurt him.”

“You should do it if it makes you happy, babe,” Cassian says absentmindedly, more focused on checking the potatoes au gratin in the oven than on their conversation.

Two heavy, heart-attack worthy potato dishes on the same night, all because Nesta was in the mood for it. It sickens Cassian to think of the unhealthiness of it all, but these days it’s like he can’t stop himself from making food. It doesn’t matter whether the meal is fatty or not, as long as it tastes good enough for date nights.

By the time dinner is served and Cassian is settled in next to Nesta at the island, the topic of conversation has moved far away from Eris and law school.

“I used to be a fitness freak,” Cassian says mournfully as Nesta piles more and more cheese-covered potatoes onto his plate.

“Your abs look the same as the day I met you. You’ll be fine.”

Cassian didn’t even think about his abs. He presses a hand to his torso in worry. How long until those are gone, too?

“Eat.” Nesta shoves a fork into his hand and starts to dig into her own plate.

Cassian takes it reluctantly. “You know, this is bad for you too.” He realizes suddenly, “Have I been poisoning your health this whole time?” That’s even worse than the thought of losing his abs.

Nesta’s fork stops halfway to her mouth. The look on her face is disgusted enough to curdle milk, as if Cassian might change his mind and try to take her dinner away. She visibly swallows her feelings back and scoots closer to Cassian, spearing some of his gnocchi on her fork.

“Come on, we’ll clog our arteries together.” She pats his back the way she always does. “We’re here for a delicious time, not a long time.”

Cassian can hardly say no when he’s getting food shoved into his mouth without warning.

But despite his defeat with dinner, he’s joined by a sleepy and irritable Nesta the next morning in the home gym. She refuses to speak a word to him at such an early hour, but her compromise is loud and clear when she begins stretching and warming up. She’ll be here while he figures out whatever it is he wants to be for himself.

***

a/n: what do y’all think. is cassian overreacting, is nesta overstepping, or are they right and azriel is a menace who needs to be stopped (asking bc sometimes i cant tell when my mcs are being annoying)

tagging: @hellasblessed @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @valkyriewarriors @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @everything-that-i-love @cassianscool @swankii-art-teacher @wannawriteyouabook @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy @poisonous-bloom @observationanxioustheorist @gisellefigue08 @courtofjurdan @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @wolfiixxx @cass-nes @seashade @royaltykxx @illyrianundercover @queenestarcheron @monstrousloves-explodinggalaxies @humanexile @that-golden-lyre @agentsofsheilds @mercy-is-alive @cassiansbigwingspan @laylaameer01 @verypaleninja @maastrash @bow-dawn @perseusannabeth @dead-on-the-inside666 @jlinez @hungryreadingaddict @anidealiveson @planet-faerie @shallowhighwaters @ghostlyrose2 @chosenfamily-valkyriequeens @rarephloxes @readiajin @nessiantrashh @live-the-fangirl-life @ifinallygavein @xoblivisci @sjmships @jungtaekwoonie-is-life @lysandra-tiara @lanyjoy-13 @post-it-notes33 @loosingdreams @fromthelibraryofemilyj @18moneytoad @dontgetsalmonella @champanheandluxxury @togreblog @arinbelle @ladygabrielli1997 @meridainthedisneyland @moodymelanist @pixieelea

#nessian #nesta archeron #cassian #ncssianwrites #a favor #nessian fic #nessian au

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