The lesbian event was amazing like absolutely inspiring and deeply emotional. I cried SOOOO much because I am PMSing very very very much today. I brought up the need to reach lesbians in places like nursing homes and assisted living facilities, to hear and more importantly record their stories. To get lesbian herstory from women who are facility bound. I’m so excited to do this I cannot wait to reach these women who are so isolated and bring the community to them and bring them to the community in a way.

I just started reading this book and it's definitely raising a very important critique of psychiatry, even as it's horrific to dive into...

me: gee i sure would like to know the protections I have so I know if I can get accommodations made at work for being schizo. lets google it!

every single result: how do i forcefully institutionalize someone? what rights do i have to forcefully institutionalize someone? how long can i lock someone up for? can i keep my schizophrenic child from having rights? can i stop them from voting? can i get them imprisoned for existing? can i--

giselle - the ghost

seemingly dealing with a case of cotard's delusion, giselle perceives herself strangely: sometimes as a doll or angel, but always as dead. she spends most of her time with her dear anneliese, playing games or telling stories, hosting tea parties or dress-up days. among the insane company she keeps, she is assumed to be irrational, though harmless. but with the gaps in her memory - and her asylum records - alongside her uncanny behavior, some who encounter her believe she really is a lingering specter after all.

this darling is inspired by, and created in collaboration with, my own darling @wecametobealonetogether <3

one of my loved ones just got institutionalized again :( love her so much and it never gets easier watching people survive it. going to try to plan a train trip so I can come up and visit her and sneak in whatever stuff she wants. it’s like 8 hours away but I can stay with my brother or another friend. and she’s probably going to be there for several months so I want to try to visit her at least once a month. Wish so so much there were more options so that she didn’t have to be stuck in that fucking place.

I once got a tiktok of someone saying "being institutionalized is weird bc it's like I thought I was crazy but am I really even crazy compared to the people here" with other people institutionalized for suicide attempts sharing "funny" stories of people in the ward who were delusional or hallucinating. It was so demoralizing. These people were at rock bottom, I thought that they would be our allies in this shared experience. But instead they were comforted knowing there were people worse than them. And they didn't even consider the pain of being institutionalized indefinitely.

I got another video of someone laughing about a patient yelling "someone help me" endlessly and then asking the nurse to leave when they came to help. It's shocking to hear somebody not take the time to understand what that person was feeling.

I really appreciate that when we were talking about the fear some parts have of being locked up (institutionalized), our therapist acknowledged that this isn't a baseless fear in the present, tho the risk is far less than when we were a teen. We've had other therapists try to calm these fears by dismissing the present risk which doesn't help. We are far too aware that having an episode in the wrong place at the wrong time could lead to an involuntary hold.

Instead, our therapist worked with us to see the difference in risk now vs as a teen and the supports we have in place now to minimize those risks

Some disorganized studies based on Stranger on the Third Floor and thoughts about what may have led the Stranger to become the person he was in the end.

I think it's very up to interpretation, because no matter what condition led to him being hospitalized, the point is what happened to him in the hospital/prison was monstrous, to the point he was so afraid to go back that he'd do anything to avoid it. He wasn't being treated, he was being abused.

I just kind of projected my own diagnosis on him, thinking about what happened to a lot of people before me. The idea of being hurt to "cure" something that never needed to be cured, which isn't exclusive to autism obviously, just something I think about sometimes.

having big big as-yet-unarticulated feelings about Mad community & the fact that the two things betty does when she visits polly while she’s institutionalized are be happy about the pregnancy when polly asks for her support and tell her the truth about jason’s death, two things no one else has done in the past two months.

Honestly saying that mental illness can't be disabling, to a schizophrenic, is especially insulting to the community, given the numbers of schizophrenic people who are on the streets or in prisons or locked away in institutions. Implying that being lost in severe psychosis, or being unable to do things as a result of negative and/or cognitive symptoms is a CHOICE when it literally has people starving in the streets, is nothing short of disgusting.

Yeah. Like I don't give a flying fuck if anon doesn't feel disabled by THEIR mental health issues or whatever, but claiming that NO ONE EVER IS is just such a horrible take... 🤢

i want to talk about anger and psychosis for a second. i want to talk about being angry, being hot and fuming and pulsing and seconds away from screaming from the minute you open your eyes each day and have no idea why, i want to talk about being scared all the time, terrified of everything and everyone, and because you cant let that fear kill you, you get angry instead. i want to talk about how hard it is to try and be the 'good one', the 'good psycho', to sit in silence and let it build and build because if you say you're filled with hate, with rage, with the need to bite and scream and hit and crash and break and kill and destroy and maim and, and and. if you say any of that, you're a monster, proof of the volatile and dangerous nature of anyone with a brain like you, you're betting dogpiled and sedated and locked up and institutionalized and you can't open your mouth to scream because if you do everyone will pat themselves on the back for finally putting down that insane psycho. you cant lash out, so you lash inwards, pull and burn and cut and purge and break until you are in pieces, bleeding and bruised and impossible to love, and watch, thinking you've finally cracked the code, that you're finally the 'good ones', as everyone stares at you in horror, at this self-mutilated creature before them. so you do nothing. you get angrier and angrier and angrier and it never goes away, until one day you're gone for good and everyone wrings their hands and says, well. at least you aren't angry anymore.

anneliese- the martyr

kicked out of a christian school due to accusations of being possessed by demons, anneliese was relocated to the asylum after a couple violent outbursts deemed "out of character." but the voices in her head aren't all bad... they can be quite friendly - as evidenced by her dearest companion, a fellow patient named giselle. anneliese is one of the few who have discovered the way to make it to the world outside, but she never leaves for very long - she could never stand to leave giselle behind.

Ok so one thing that I think people miss when they talk about soldier boy’s PTSD and his denial that he has it is that the actual “treatments” for mental illness for the majority of Ben’s time mainly boiled down to locking the person away in an institution to rot, lobotomizing them, or drugging them until they stop complaining.

ty for the “we don’t have to consider the dui ppl evil monsters forever.” This you can skip I think now if you don’t want a story of why your post is gonna change my life a little bit.

I have a owi from a boss getting drunk as hell with me and I very much went along with the evening for like idk stupid professional relations reasons I guess, and ended up in a ditch etc. I unfortunately received another dui after I was drinking at home in my backyard two years later sorta mid-meltdown, and after an exchange with an equally intoxicated neighbor was chased about 120 ft to my car which I drove to some neighbors (rural area) about 2 min away l, but literally got pulled over by the cops along that stretch as they kinda park-camp there.

My life was ruined. I was not well in jail for 90 days after the second one, as was denied anti-psychotics, sleep aids, and anti-depressants so stuck in a suicide suit and in solitary. I had worked for the state for a decade but no longer could, and I was stuck in the county that had no mental health services for me due to the limits of our CMH. I had to live with friends for two years of probation because I couldn’t drive or work without being able to drive. I did some wfh stuff during Covid (thank god wfh surge saved me tbh) but had to bike 10 miles each way or get a ride a couple times a week for drug tests, support meetings, classes etc for 2 years. I had to borrow money and pay ppl back years later for covering the costs of the drug tests and classes.

I had worked for the state for nearly a decade, graduated with a degree, had an apartment, boyfriend, the whole works: but I had no mental health access for a decade and had essential emergency services trying to toss meds at me, when I would ask to be hospitalized or finally was, and after about 7-8 years I was maladaptive as hell unable to get counseling or med management, drinking with bosses and melting down in my backyard.

I finally got mental health and other services: I have Tourette’s, autism, adhd, and ocd. And a nice helping of the cptsd but idk that one’s pretty managed. I have a bunch of broken teeth from clenching from stress and Tourette’s. The only help I got out of that county was Christian substance abuse services in classes that I had to do for probation for two years. I cannot imagine how different my life would be if I could have gotten the services the judge said I had complete access to.

I have never felt like anyone could be capable of understanding that I’m not a monster and I didn’t want to do anything bad. I understand very well why ppl are so aggressive against drunk driving as I’m in one of the worse states for it and we have some of the strongest laws for it. It’s a felony in Canada and I can’t go there anymore because of it. And it’s been idk 5 years now that I’ve never seen or heard a message like this and it is just so moving.

I’ve been holding myself back so much because I did a bad and I don’t feel like a deserve to like use social services or anything anymore like anything that could burden the state or community. I fell so far like possessions wise, asset wise, materially, professionally, in housing etc. that I need those services frankly. I don’t do things or try to interact with people, I’ve done like 5 years of shame vs regret exercises but it doesn’t matter I just don’t feel like I should get to be part of society and that no one wants me to be anymore. And I think if I saw things like this just once in awhile amongst the regular dui messaging it would be really great.

I do run a smart recovery meeting which is like science backed substance abuse program very much online nowadays but I want to do more but I’m still very in my head about it. I’m gonna try to think about this perspective from time to time. So thank you.

Anon I am telepathically giving the biggest hug ever, and if you dont want a hug then. I'm sending so much support and understanding your way. I'm so happy you found my post, especially since I've gotten a little bit of hell for it. Knowing it comforted just one person makes it worth it.

You're not a monster, and what the state did to you is not okay. It's inhumane, and you didn't deserve a single part of it. It's not even remotely fair that your right to health and safety was so grossly violated. And I'm glad you seem to be doing better than you were. I hope as time goes on, you find more of your place in this world.

I know things will never be the same, and I know how much stands in your way - even though I can't truly conceptualize it. But there will always be more people than you know who see see your humanity. Who want you in this world with us - not just tolerate it. And I think it's really wonderful you run the recovery program. You've probably changed a lot of lives, for the better. That's awesome!

And thank you for trusting your story with me. I've been struggling with some substance abuse lately, and I think getting this ask is gonna get me through another night of not. Fucking up. Sometimes people just need to feel connection, I think. So you changed my life a little bit, too.

redid the lighting on an old drawing

Kim Addonizio (Jimmy & Rita, 1997)