pro tip: don't watch the first Thor movie when you are still heartbroken over the Loki finale because the Thor/Jane and Loki/Mobius parallels WILL make you feel like you're being physically torn apart <3

Why Am I Here? - Darth Vader

Darth Vader x daughter reader

Warnings: none

Word count: 1,612

Summary: Reader gets “”invited”” to spend some time with the Empire. For reasons only Darth Vader knows, but will he tell? Or keep her guessing.

Authors Note: I’ve been thinking of making a whole series with a similar plot. So I’m trying this imagine out see how people like it. If you do and want to see more like this or with a similar plot comment below or say something in a reblog!

P.S. Its my Birthday Month!!!! YAY!

Masterlist

Star Wars Masterlist

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Y/n stood there confused as to why she was here. Nothing about her should interest the Empire. She never given anyone any clues or hints as to if she is with the rebellion.

But yet they came to her senate booth and asked her to come with them. Not that she would have had a choice anyway. When they brought her to a ship, from there they took her to as they put it ‘Where lord Vader is staying’. When the troopers escorted her to a room, they told her this is where she will be staying. In the room was a huge bed, a big bathroom, and a closet. A closet that was full of her own clothes plus some other outfits that were beautiful. But it wasn’t just the closet that had things she owned in it. It was the whole room. There was small things from her room at home scattered all over. All the thoughts in her head stopped once the door opened to reveal the man that had her brought here.

“Why am I here?” Y/n asked with a strong voice. She truly is curious as to why they took her from her home. “Do you talk or are you just gonna stand there?”

Vader just stood there staring at Y/n before asking. “Do you know who I am?”

“Of course I do. Your Darth Vader.EVeryone know who you are.” She nodded, the look in her eyes was very confused as to why he would ask that specific question. But there was another emotion that Vader couldn’t place.

“Is that all you know me as?” he asked trying to get a sense of how to approach why he brought her here.

“Should I know you as more than that?” Y/n tilted her head in more confusion and also now curiousness. What did he mean by that? Should she know him as more?

“You will be staying here awhile. I hope that this room is up to your liking. We’ll talk later.” With that statement, he turned to leave the room. It was obvious to Y/n that that was not the answer he was looking for from her.

“Wait-” Y/n started but he left the room before she could continue. There were more questions running through her head now than there were before he came in.

^      ^       ^

“Lord Vader requests your presence.” A Stormtrooper stated as he entered the quiet room. 

Y/n let out a sigh of annoyance. “You can tell Lord Vader that I decline his request.”

The Stormtrooper left reluctantly. Y/n was sure that was not the answer the trooper wanted. Nor Darth Vader.

After about 20 to 30 minutes the door of her room opened. Low and behold Darth Vader entered the room. Y/n couldn’t help but smirk a tiny bit at the frustration in Darth Vaders walk and demeanor. It was quite comical. “Hello to you too.”

“You declined. What makes you think you are allowed to decline a request from me?” Even though he concealed it well Y/n could tell Darth Vader was frustrated with her previous actions.

“Oh, I know that I’m not supposed to. But it got your attention now didn’t it?” she tilted her head with a smile tugging at her lips.

Vader’s suit let out what could be considered a sigh. “I’m assuming you have something you want to say.”

y/n nodded at his assumption. “I have questions.”

“You may ask them.” he moved to sit on the couch in the room he had provided her. Waiting for her to start asking said questions.

“Why am I here?” Was the first one and most obvious out of Y/n’s mouth.

“I have my reasons.”

“Are they valid for keeping me here without my consent?”

“Yes” Vader nodded

“Can I know the reasons?” Y/n asked to hope that she could get more than another one-worded answer.

“Soon.” he replied, smirking behind the mask.

“What does that mean?” Y/n groaned, this was getting her nowhere.

“You’ll find out soon.” Vader rephrased

“How far is soon?” she rolled her eyes at his vagueness.

“Have a goodnight, y/n.” Darth Vader stated as he got up and headed for the exit.

“Will we talk about this again?” Y/n asked standing up really quickly off the bed. Heading to follow him out the door.

“Soon.” Was the last word that left the Sith as he left, with the door shutting behind him.

“UUUUGGGGHHHHHHH” Y/n screamed, falling back onto the large bed. This was ridiculous. She was getting nowhere. Y/n had a feeling that she was going to e there for a long while. The least he could do was answer some of her questions if he was gonna keep her there. Hopefully, he will tell her more ‘soon’ as he puts it.

^      ^      ^

“You requested me?” Y/n snarked walking into what looked to be Darth Vaders room.

“I’m shocked you came. Your learning.” he seemed to snark back.

“Yeah, sure. Why’d you call me here?” Y/n questioned while switching her weight to one hip, moving her arms to hug around herself.

“Do you know my history?” Vader asked what was a very random question to the young woman.

“What do you mean?” she tilted her head in confusion.

“Before I became Darth Vader.” he elaborated, turning to face her.

Y/n shook her head, casting her eyes down as she answered. “No. i heard it was forbidden to talk about who you were before. So no one does.”

“To some people it is. Most in fact.” Vader agreed with her statement.

“But your gonna tell me?” Y/n’s eyes widened in shock.

“Yes.” It was a simple answer but it scared Y/n. What happens to people who know? That question just kept running through her mind.

“Am I allowed to know?” She asked after letting out a deep breath that was shaky. 

“It’s my story to tell, Y/n.” Darth Vader smiled under his mask at her.

“Right” Y/n let out a light shaky laugh. It was one of their rare moments between them where whatever wall that separated them came down. Which Y/n didn’t know how to feel about. But Vader couldn’t help but feel immensely happy with those moments.

“Before the Empire, I was a Jedi. I didn’t follow the code completely. I was married, in secret to the love of my life. Right before the rise of the Empire, when things changed she was pregnant. I was to be a father. . . . She died in childbirth. Because of me. An I wasn’t there for her. I made a lot of decisions I regret, and that was one of them.” Vader explained, looking solemnly towards the floor as he thought about his past actions.

“What was your name?” Y/n asked once he stopped explaining, Some of the things he had just mentioned sounded very familiar. Her breathing picked up as she waited for his answer. 

Vader decided to make a decision to show her his true face. No one has seen his face other than the Emperor since he turned from Anakin Skywalker to Darth Vader. Once the helmet was off Vader turned to face the young woman, maskless. “I think you know.”

“Oh my-” Y/n gasped moving her hands up to cover her mouth. So many thoughts running through her head. 

“Y/n-”

Y/n held her hand up to stop him from saying more. “You know. You knew the whole time, and didn’t tell me! That's why I’ve been here this whole time. Isn't it!?”

Vader or maybe Anakin, could see how she was starting to feel upset. Betrayed even. But he knows she’s been held in the Empires custody long enough she deserved to know. “Yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked with a whimper.

“I wanted us to get to know each other first. Establish a relationship before I told you.” he explained, hoping she would understand. But he knew that it’d still probably take time with her. Over the last couple months they have been getting to know each other, just slowly.

“Well, I do know some stories about Anakin Skywalker. My father.” Y/n spoke after letting some time pass, playing with her fingers nervously, aware that things will forever be  changed.

Vader- or Anakin nodded in understanding. She had put it together and now she knew why he took her and why he’s treating her the way he is. He walked up to her, giving her a small smile. “I know we have a long way to some with our relationship, but I would like to make this work..” Vader softened his stature trying his hardest not to seem intimidating to his daughter. Not wanting to frighten her. “I’ve missed to much of your life up till now. I’m not missing any more of it.”

Y/n looked him in the eyes still not sure about all of this. But something was telling her that he is being truthful, and that she could trust him. He has protected her since she's been there. “Can you tell me more about my mom? And about you, or at least who you use to be?”

“Yeah, sweetheart. I can do that.” He nodded, and couldn’t help how much his smile grew. The fact that she was willing to get to know him made his heart swell. She wanted him to tell her about Padme, he hasn’t been able to talk about her since he lost her. Maybe they could have a slightly normal father daughter relationship.

the witcher 3: wild hunt starters

including quotes from the dlcs hearts of stone & blood and wine

❝  you were always an unruly child. i adored that about you.  ❞ ❝  mmm. yes. of course. the excuse you resort to when you’d rather not talk about something.  ❞ ❝  how many have you killed? how many more might you still?  ❞ ❝  you know who i am. and why i’m here.  ❞ ❝  you're a madman and always have been. a cruel, cold-blooded killer.  ❞ ❝  a man should frame his wishes carefully. it forestalls disappointment.  ❞ ❝  no argument. you knew what you were signing up for.  ❞ ❝  maybe once, in a different time...i’d have helped.  ❞ ❝  don’t train alone, it only embeds your errors.  ❞ ❝  wanna get drunk off my ass. and it’s gotta be on cheap wine.  ❞ ❝  you’re a heartless bastard.  ❞ ❝  try to trick me anyway, anyhow, you won’t go anywhere, you know that. ‘cause i’ll take your head off right where it meets your neck.  ❞ ❝  sorry. i don’t want to talk about it. not now, at least.  ❞ ❝  we are more like a family.   we support each other and help each other survive tough moments.  ❞ ❝  so how’s it feel to be the village witch?  ❞ ❝  realize, please, that you were made for great things.  ❞ ❝  folks say a curse has fallen on that place, a dark power brought down by the bestiality of the murders it beheld.  ❞ ❝  so, now you’ve threatened me and all...are you in or are you not?  ❞ ❝  i know it must sound foolish, but in the dream - well, it was all too real...  ❞ ❝  we may not survive this. in fact, our chances are slim.  ❞ ❝  it’s always been about you. only you.  ❞ ❝  i remember finding your sense of humor both groan-worthy...and somehow endearing.  ❞ ❝  kings die, realms fall, but magic endures.  ❞ ❝  i detest banquets. vacuous conversation, food portions fit for a mouse, drinks that taste like piss...  ❞ ❝  despite what you’ve heard, i don’t lunge at every monster i see, sword in hand.  ❞ ❝  each day’s more dangerous than the last.  ❞ ❝  it’s folks like you that restore my faith in humankind.  ❞ ❝  my power lies in possessing knowledge, not sharing it.  ❞ ❝  the rotten smell brings back childhood memories.  ❞ ❝  awfully noble of you, showing so much concern for the needy.  ❞ ❝  no need to thank me. always glad to save your ass. you’re welcome.  ❞ ❝  i may be inhumanely beautiful, but i don’t have super human senses.  ❞ ❝  anyone can be made to talk, even a corpse. one must simply know how.  ❞ ❝  we’ve done the hardest part. only got the pleasant bits now.  ❞ ❝  there are few causes worth saving. even fewer men.  ❞ ❝  don’t treat me like a child.  ❞ ❝  there’s strange men lurking outside the house. watching me.  ❞ ❝  you must be careful what you wish for lest your wish be granted.    for there are consequences.  ❞ ❝  shall i be free of the suffering? the sadness?  ❞ ❝  i wish to gaze into those eyes, eyes the devil would be proud to have.  ❞ ❝  you were born with a great gift. and only you can decide how to use it.  ❞ ❝  any other words of wisdom? or can we go?  ❞ ❝  what i need is an ally. and something tells me i shall find none better than you.  ❞ ❝  i can see no row can occur here without your participation.  ❞ ❝  i and what concerns me have not been a concern of yours for some time now.  ❞ ❝  if you’d not arrived in time, things might have ended considerably worse.  ❞ ❝  if they can bleed, they can die.  ❞ ❝  a man must display some madness from time to time --- it helps him feel alive.  ❞ ❝  i was deeply troubled. you’ve no idea.  ❞ ❝  done that so many times, but...it felt like our first kiss to me.  ❞ ❝  don’t need to play tough on me.  ❞ ❝  i've lost too many mates already. i won’t risk it, i can't.  ❞ ❝  there’s just not enough of us. it’ll be a hard fight.  ❞ ❝  in lonely woods, screams carry long.  ❞ ❝  things used to be simpler.    monsters were bad, humans good.   now, everything’s all confused.  ❞ ❝  as for your missteps --- i don't rightly see why i shouldn't laugh if they're amusing..  ❞ ❝  i’ve no gold to offer you in reward...but i shall be ever so grateful.  ❞ ❝  if you’re scared, turn back. i’m gonna go on.  ❞ ❝  if anything happens, i’ll defend you.  ❞ ❝  once you say "i love you," a kiss has to taste differently.  ❞ ❝  maybe we should sit? you look a bit dazed...  ❞ ❝  drink it off, sleep it off, whatever it takes...just get yourself together and think things        through.  ❞ ❝  i shall join later, if it’s no trouble. i don’t yet feel strong enough to venture out.  ❞ ❝  awake at last. you writhed like a squirrel caught in a snare.  ❞ ❝  again you plan without even asking what i think!  ❞ ❝  come to see how i’m feelin'? thanks, not bad.  ❞ ❝  i remember that day quite well...there was a light drizzle, yet the cold tore right through you.  ❞ ❝  you gotta keep your eyes peeled wide open. someone’s taken an interest in your work.  ❞ ❝  oof...for a minute, i actually thought we were doomed.  ❞ ❝  you shouldn’t worry yourself --- it tarnishes your beauty.  ❞ ❝  i’d even embrace you...were you not covered in blood.  ❞ ❝  guess i could’ve been someone worse...just a shame i had no choice.  ❞ ❝  facts interest me. not fairytales.  ❞ ❝  hm, odd smell. blend of alcohol, blood and monster stench.  ❞ ❝  i’m old and i am wealthy. i may say what i please.  ❞ ❝  now, be so kind and leave me to my thoughts.  ❞ ❝  in your shoes i’d pack it up and go hide somewhere far away.  ❞ ❝  forgive me, but that's the blatherin' of someone who clearly can't snap out of it after a tragic loss.  ❞ ❝  that all you gotta say? i saved your life.  ❞ ❝  i swear on all that is holy: we shall be together forever.  ❞ ❝  think of me as part of the decor.  ❞ ❝  anyone who’s bold enough to fight is already a hero.  ❞ ❝  if this is a trap of some sort...  ❞ ❝  you can count on me, you know? always.  ❞ ❝  you don’t know how much it means...to have someone you can rely on in this fucking city.  ❞ ❝  i know you. you have no heart.  ❞ ❝  no room for friendship in this business.  ❞ ❝  evil is evil. lesser, greater, middling, makes no difference. the degree is arbitrary, the definitions blurred.  ❞ ❝  hands off, or i'll cut them off.  ❞ ❝  i’ll need to clear my head first. after those deranged dreams, i feel it’s full of cobwebs.  ❞ ❝  on your way? or will you stay longer? it’s far safer with you around...  ❞ ❝  really sad story, but something’s not right. got a feeling you’re not telling me everything.  ❞ ❝  gotta admit, there’s something about you. you’re...different.  ❞ ❝  with each arrow i shoot, i think of my dad. he’d be proud, i think.  ❞ ❝  i merely know when to indulge my pride, and when to swallow it.  ❞ ❝  you were born to greatness.  ❞ ❝  these’re dark, grim times. no room for knights pure of heart or happily-ever-afters.  ❞ ❝  a life without liquor’s like loving without licking.  ❞ ❝  my certainty i walk the right path grows strong as iron, firm as steel.  ❞ ❝  few make me feel awkward, but in your presence, i feel anxiety, discomfort.  ❞ ❝  some men have got good reason to fear their own shadows.  ❞ ❝  some men cannot admit defeat. some keep fighting from beyond the grave.  ❞ ❝  stare into their eyes, feast on their terror. then go in for the kill.  ❞ ❝  forget not that you are a person right and honorable, devoted to doing good.  ❞ ❝  ash shall fertilize the soil. by spring, the valley shall bloom once more.  ❞ ❝  there’s lots of wraiths here. i hear them whispering every night.  ❞ ❝  no one has the courage to face this threat! yet we must kill them, or sooner or later we will all die.  ❞ ❝  you are a step away from losing your head. speak the truth and you might yet keep it.  ❞ ❝  you carry within you the weight of a terrible tragedy. you are a good person, but lost. which is why you come across as grim.  ❞ ❝  if i understand you correctly, you would rather help a monster than kill it?  ❞ ❝  discouraged after a mere eight attempts?  ❞ ❝  easier to pat someone on the back and hope things will work out than it is to face the truth.  ❞ ❝  know that they can’t teach an old dog new tricks?  ❞ ❝  my, you’ve grown beautiful.  ❞ ❝  my swords a promise --- if i reach for it, heads will roll.  ❞ ❝  one condition: no one dies. that clear?  ❞ ❝  patience happens to be my weakness. so dispense with the dramatic pauses and talk.  ❞ ❝  you proved today you can take care of yourself.  ❞ ❝  you under the delusion you’ll complete your tasks, live happily ever after?  ❞ ❝  i will not sit and twiddle my thumbs. i'm sick of waiting, sick of hiding!  ❞ ❝  glad you know who i am. haven’t introduced yourself, though.  ❞ ❝  i’ve seen a great deal --- cruelty, cynicism, greed.  ❞ ❝  you tempt fate, because at heart you are unhappy.  ❞ ❝  we had our chance, but...let it go.  ❞ ❝  come now, you didn’t expect it to be that easy, did you?  ❞ ❝  promise me one thing --- you’ll stop risking your life for others.  ❞ ❝  instead of dwelling on the future, i’d rather live in the moment.  ❞ ❝  i adore love stories. especially the ones that end happily ever after.  ❞ ❝  we are drops of rain that together make a ferocious storm.  ❞ ❝  the path to freedom is paved in blood, not ink.  ❞ ❝  we’ll get our happy ending. one day.  ❞ ❝  i’ll never forget what you did for me...and what we had together.  ❞ ❝  don’t meddle in other people’s lives.  ❞ ❝  i don’t get attached to places. just people.  ❞ ❝  it’s dangerous, there are risks involved. understand that, don’t you?  ❞ ❝  and here i hoped someone would finally take pity on me.  ❞ ❝  seen a lot of dead in my time, but that must’ve been hard.  ❞ ❝  air is strange...like dropping into a deep cellar on a hot day...  ❞ ❝  wouldn’t carry a sword if i didn’t know how to use it.  ❞ ❝  take it you didn't summon me to reminisce about the good old days, so...  ❞ ❝  i was attacked --- had to defend myself.  ❞ ❝  guards have never stopped me, you know that.  ❞ ❝  treating the ill and wounded...it’s my calling.  ❞ ❝  you think it’s enchanted?  ❞ ❝  there are times when a woman should simply not explain her decision.  ❞ ❝  won’t find too many comforts, but try to feel at home.  ❞ ❝  i was looking for you...sometimes i thought you were just a step away. other times, i felt like i was going around in circles.  ❞ ❝  i’ll remember you. always with a smile.  ❞ ❝  i’d rather you not make anymore trouble --- for yourself, or us both.  ❞ ❝  got the stench of corpes on you.  ❞ ❝  you stood to gain --- that is why you saved me.  ❞ ❝  sages invariably have hidden agendas. altruism is simply not part of their constitution.  ❞ ❝  the gods have abandoned us. the mighty of this earth care not for our fate.  ❞ ❝  is that admiration i hear in your voice?  ❞ ❝  i started off heading in the opposite direction, but then turned around.  ❞ ❝  i’m fed up. i won’t have others deciding for me behind my back.  ❞ ❝  where’d you get this idea? what’s gotten into you?  ❞ ❝  i don't expect you to commit now. think it over, what you've heard, what you feel.  ❞ ❝  head torn clear off...takes incredible strength.  ❞ ❝  desperate fathers have been known to do a lot to find their daughters.  ❞ ❝  you cannot kill me. you know this...  ❞ ❝  "i give you my heart”? what kind of spell is that?  ❞ ❝  i’d go anywhere with you.  ❞ ❝  why? because i am a woman? in a frock, rather than plate? i can take care of myself, i assure you.  ❞ ❝  everything we discussed here, hope you’ll keep it to yourself. counting on it, in fact.  ❞ ❝  trusted you once. won’t make that mistake again.  ❞ ❝  shut up. i’ve heard enough of your bullshit. draw your weapon, let’s get this over with.  ❞ ❝  exaggerating for effect, right?  ❞ ❝  well, well...when cornered, you can bite.  ❞ ❝  you cannot win...even if you kill me.  ❞ ❝  you know i’m good at accomplishing the impossible.  ❞ ❝  it’s nothing, really. you’d have done the same for me.  ❞ ❝  you are not ready. you do not control your powers.  ❞ ❝  you’re a tool in their hands, even if you don’t see it.  ❞ ❝  i’d do anything for you, i would. you know that well.  ❞ ❝  this is a land where the fantastic is normal, and the impossible occurs daily...  ❞ ❝  know when a legend becomes a prophecy? when it gain believers.  ❞ ❝  i thought you’d become a stranger to me. that i’d look at you and not feel a thing. but it’s not like that at all. nothing’s changed.  ❞ ❝  to be honest, i just wanted to go on a walk with you.  ❞ ❝  what i really want is to be with you, to...to be together and...  ❞ ❝  this is not the kind of offer one refuses.  ❞ ❝  despair devours you like maggots devour a corpse.  ❞ ❝  before long every soul will kneel before you.  ❞ ❝  i run into dilemmas all the time. situations where it's hard to judge, hard to know what's right, make a decision. this is not one of them. you disgust me. and deserve to die.  ❞ ❝  you know me. i’m rare to praise, but when i do, it’s sincere.  ❞ ❝  i'm not a thug for hire.  ❞ ❝  i like being on adventures, sleeping under the stars, waking up with dew on my face.  ❞ ❝  the dream's within reach now. i’m not about to let it go.  ❞ ❝  unlike you, killing gives me no pleasure.  ❞ ❝  can't speak for the world you inhabit, but in mine, nothing is ever black and white.  ❞ ❝  you cannot possibly imagine how much i detest this place.  ❞ ❝  stones you’ve got. but i didn’t think you’d have the stomach for a massacre.  ❞ ❝  the dead man --- looked like a monster attacked him recently.  ❞ ❝  finish all your business before you die. bid loved ones farewell. write your will. apologize to those you’ve wronged. otherwise, you’ll never truly leave this world.  ❞ ❝  i've had nothing but nightmares lately. pretty horrible.  ❞ ❝  i was wandering through the forest, breathing deep the air, and then i heard a strange sound, unsettling.  ❞ ❝  had a few nice dreams. for example, in one we sat around a fire, drinking good wine, and all around people danced and laughed.  ❞ ❝  they’re all dead! mountains of corpses. yet here i stand alone. all alone.  ❞ ❝  this isn’t a game. men have died.  ❞ ❝  if you wanna listen, listen, if not --- i'd rather you spared me your wit and throw me out now.  ❞ ❝  you fed me, cared for me, had my wounds looked after. we're even now.  ❞ ❝  you’ll return, you shall. our fates are bound.  ❞ ❝  i’ve nothing left. not a fucking thing.  ❞ ❝  i don’t question your abilities. i simply don’t trust you.  ❞ ❝  what foolish things men sometimes do.  ❞ ❝  dare harm me, and against you will rise all the powers of nature.  ❞ ❝  did you destroy the evil powers? have you brought peace to my domain?  ❞ ❝  well, perhaps i shall tell you about it one day. one day, but not today..  ❞ ❝  times like these, you never know what tomorrow will bring.  ❞ ❝  you worry too much. what will be, will be.  ❞ ❝  have you gone completely mad? we must leave here at once!  ❞ ❝  time eats away at memories, distorts them. sometimes we only remember the good... sometimes only the bad.  ❞ ❝  you don’t need magic to strip men of their humanity. i’ve seen plenty of examples.  ❞ ❝  if i’m to choose between one evil and another, i’d rather not choose at all.  ❞ ❝  see what i’ve got on my back? wolves fear it. kings do, too.  ❞ ❝  i missed those awkward compliments of yours.  ❞ ❝  sometimes i think it’s all too lovely to be true…that something’s bound to happen, another war or some other horror.  ❞ ❝  took you a while. did you run into trouble?  ❞ ❝  i just travel a lot. and i don't always happen upon such good and civil company.  ❞ ❝  what can you know about saving the world, silly?  ❞ ❝  done my share of fighting. wouldn't carry a sword if i didn't know to use it.  ❞ ❝  all right, perhaps i wasn’t completely honest.  ❞ ❝  ever thought this day would come? me and you...peace and quiet...bees buzzing, birds chirping.  ❞ ❝  i detect a shadow of impatience in your face.  ❞ ❝  took me a long time to find you. wasn't an easy road to travel.  ❞ ❝  wipe that frown off your face, or i might think you don’t like me anymore.  ❞ ❝  always believed attack was the best defense.  ❞ ❝  once it’s all over, if we survive ... i wish to leave, go far away.   and i’d like you to come with me.  ❞ ❝  naturally, you suspect me of the worst. i don’t deserve that.  ❞ ❝  we can fight another time, in another place, where the walls have no ears.  ❞ ❝  once i was free...i shall be free once more.  ❞ ❝  believe me...a tavern, mulled wine, our boots drying by the fire --- i’d like nothing better.  ❞ ❝  prove it. kiss me.  ❞ ❝  the prophecies do not lie...you cannot survive this struggle.  ❞ ❝  i know you better than you think.  ❞ ❝  you know me. nothing i like more than breaking rules.  ❞ ❝  what’s happened? it’s so quiet, all of a sudden.  ❞ ❝  thank you, for coming with me.  ❞ ❝  i cannot do everything for you. use your head.  ❞ ❝  i'm angry and tired. had to kill a lot of people along the way.  ❞ ❝  we’ve come a long way, and i’d be damned if we’ve come to fail.  ❞ ❝  i sense your pain. i see your fear.  ❞ ❝  how’s this for an answer: kiss my ass.  ❞ ❝  how many have you already killed? how many more might you still?  ❞ ❝  i'm quite alive and extraordinarily well. better than i've ever been in this rotten life of mine.  ❞ ❝  i like it when you smile. come here. everything will be all right.  ❞ ❝  ugh. don’t fall in love with me.  ❞ ❝  i don’t like you. in fact, i feel like slapping you.  ❞ ❝  i'm too old to play the blushing bride...unless you ask nicely.  ❞ ❝  that bit of my life --- forgotten it already.  ❞ ❝  the world doesn’t need a hero. it needs a professional.  ❞ ❝  next time you wonder why i’m so bitter...well, there's your answer.  ❞ ❝  nothing wrong with having a drink in good company.  ❞ ❝  i want you behind those rocks. and keep your mouth shut.  ❞ ❝  nice of you to worry...but i've made my decision, and i won't change it.  ❞ ❝  this is my story, not yours. you must let me finish telling it.  ❞ ❝  after all that toil, i believe we deserve a bit of a rest.  ❞ ❝  i was afraid you were dead.  ❞ ❝  we’ve all some stain on our conscience.  ❞ ❝  leaving the castle walls means certain death.  ❞ ❝  right good jest. had us a laugh. now fuck off.  ❞ ❝  i’ve heard about you. you bring trouble, or thus far have, always.  ❞ ❝  ah, you’ve struck a raw nerve.    memories of a time long past to which i’d rather not return now.  ❞ ❝  we meet again. and it seems you need my help. again.  ❞ ❝  got a relative i can talk to? someone - how do i say this - a smidgen less irritating?  ❞ ❝  miss the target, you owe me fifty push-ups. hit it, you owe me twenty.  ❞ ❝  oh. serious talk coming.  ❞ ❝  i feel like one more lie'd be the last bitter drop in a chalice full of sorrow.  ❞ ❝  romantic? thought we came here as friends.  ❞ ❝  you’re hiding something. and that’s one thing i can’t stand.  ❞ ❝  tell me, how do you do it? always manage to pull yourself together, focus, no matter what’s happening?  ❞ ❝  i go wherever i please, whenever i please.  ❞ ❝  uh oh. i know that look.  ❞ ❝  sounds tempting. so tempting i don’t think i can refuse.  ❞ ❝  so, what do you say to a moonlight ride on horseback...and dinner?  ❞ ❝  perhaps...perhaps you’d stay just a bit longer?  ❞ ❝  how are you feeling? sleep well?  ❞ ❝  such a gloomy subject to broach...  simply shouldn’t have.  ❞

❝  such a gloomy subject to broach...i simply shouldn’t have --- not during our romantic dinner.  ❞ ❝  got it. a bit of blackmail --- just your style.  ❞ ❝  it’s the crack of dawn. where do you wanna go?  ❞ ❝  shut up before you wake someone. last thing we need is a crowd.  ❞ ❝  watch what you say. the trees have ears.  ❞ ❝  no bow at hand, no spear. my sword was all i had.  ❞ ❝  never expected you’d take such an interest in my private life.  ❞ ❝  i’m special. always was the rare beauty.  ❞ ❝  damn. been ages since we last saw each other.  ❞ ❝  some charming orchards nearby. in bloom, even, so you almost can't smell the corpses.  ❞ ❝  you know me. nothing i like more than breaking rules.  ❞ ❝  man spends his whole life learning.  ❞ ❝  if only i was as skilled with my words as i am with my blade.  ❞ ❝  i wished to know what was going on in that head of yours. i thought perhaps i could help.  ❞ ❝  i can tell something’s bothering you.  ❞ ❝  dangerous times. each thinks five times before sticking their neck out.   and i can’t blame them.  ❞ ❝  now i care not in the slightest how you think or feel.  ❞ ❝  i no longer know if i still hate you.  ❞ ❝  i see how you look at me, and i see you wither.  ❞ ❝  one last bit of advice --- find a new tavern. everyone here knows you.  ❞ ❝  you won. no point bothering with ‘what ifs’.  ❞ ❝  it’s time i took fate into my own hands. lived life anew...and truly, this time.  ❞ ❝  ahh, 'cause you thought you'd killed me that time. surprise, sur-fucking-prise.  ❞ ❝  who...who’s that? gods, i’m hallucinating.  ❞ ❝  it’s no exaggeration to say i’ve never met a warrior like you in my life. you’re lithe as an eel and strong as a bear.  ❞ ❝  i’ve a heart again, yet all it feels is grief, sadness and defeat. my life is a ruin.  ❞ ❝  sought only to protect myself. in doing so, i put you in harm’s way. forgive me.  ❞ ❝  there’s a charming grove nearby where  kisses  taste  sweeter than anywhere else in the world.  ❞ ❝  you’ve handled tougher situations. you’ll figure this one out.  ❞ ❝  who you are and why you’ve come matter little. for you’ll not leave this place alive.  ❞ ❝  i’m not panicking. just trying to be realistic.  ❞ ❝  hahahahaha...i can’t believe you fell for that!  ❞ ❝  i was actually going to recite an anthem praising your glory, but if you’re not in the mood...  ❞ ❝  lying didn’t always come so easily to you.  ❞ ❝  everyone wants to rule. i can do that better than any monarch.  ❞ ❝  tell me what you want already, and make it quick.  ❞ ❝  what a mess we made of it all...if i’d only known then how it would end...  ❞ ❝  seems a faded dream now, but there were a time where i was happy.  ❞ ❝  why’d you leave me? you claimed you loved me.  ❞ ❝  never liked boats. not one bit.  ❞ ❝  you must be mad. i’ve no intention to make things easier for you.  ❞ ❝  i don’t wish to look at your face any longer than i must.  ❞ ❝  please, no. i can’t stand spells.  ❞ ❝  we agreed not to keep any secrets from one another. we promised.  ❞ ❝  that i like! a man who boldly dares, damn the risks!  ❞ ❝  i thought you bowed before no man.  ❞ ❝  smile a bit wider. ...you were meant to smile, not bare your teeth.  ❞ ❝  is that blood? have you hurt yourself?  ❞ ❝  no reason to trouble the guards. i’ll go willingly.  ❞ ❝  look at me. promise you’ll stay out of it.  ❞ ❝  the minute we’re in trouble, you make me responsible for getting us out.  ❞ ❝  they say they don’t fear the wrath of the gods. and you, do you fear it?  ❞ ❝  i’ll let that pass. i know grief eats at your heart.  ❞ ❝  we all lie sometimes. but lying to yourself is running away, whereas there’s really nowhere to run.  ❞ ❝  don’t need your sympathy, just your help.  ❞ ❝  your loss -- it must hurt, bad. but there wasn't anything we could do.  ❞ ❝  i wish to leave, go far away. and i’d like you to come with me.  ❞ ❝  i trust you have an explanation for this. a very good one.  ❞ ❝  lot of bitterness in you.  ❞ ❝  i assure you, you’re excellent at covering your tracks --- though not terribly subtle. but i’m even better at uncovering them.  ❞ ❝  glad to see you happy...but i don’t think what we did was right.  ❞ ❝  i look at you, and...and feel like i am exactly where i am supposed to be. at long last.  ❞ ❝  i’m no coward. i'll not run this time.  ❞ ❝  yes, i know you’ve trained with swords. but you’re still shit with them.  ❞ ❝  how many innocents have you cut down?  ❞ ❝  problem is, you’re not ordinary. you were born to greatness.  ❞ ❝  not too late to surrender.  ❞ ❝  men turn honest when they feel a blade at their throat.  ❞ ❝  i'm not gonna drink. why dull my senses when i’m in such pleasant company?  ❞ ❝  it’s bound to come in handy, and each time it does, you’ll think of me.  ❞ ❝  lie still or you will bleed to death.  ❞ ❝  your life is yours, exclusively. you choose who you are.  ❞ ❝  for a minute there, was almost sure you’d leave me to die.  ❞ ❝  there is never a second opportunity to make a first impression.  ❞ ❝  it’s all because of that secretiveness of yours.  ❞ ❝  plead the gods spare us, for without their favor we shall most certainly perish.  ❞ ❝  i must say -- seen a lot, but nothing like this, never.  ❞ ❝  you don’t look like you can get home on your own. i’ll walk you.  ❞ ❝  all’s in the past, never to be restored.  ❞ ❝  you know full well i never hold a grudge. i forgive you.  ❞ ❝  the good gods sent you to me.  ❞ ❝  and the guilt, the responsibility of all this, lies with me.  ❞ ❝  you’ve only been here five minutes, and you’ve already managed to offend me twice.  ❞ ❝  you will certainly fetch me a higher bounty alive.  ❞ ❝  what's wrong with my beard? always thought it added to my dignity.  ❞ ❝  if i’m to die today, i wish to look smashing for the occasion.  ❞ ❝  i was stupid. stupidity costs a lot.  ❞ ❝  even your humblest requests seem like threats.  ❞ ❝  your motives do not interest me. only results.  ❞ ❝  and you laughed, oh, how sweetly, how brightly you laughed!  ❞ ❝  you don’t know how it is. to see someone you love die. because of you, for you.  ❞ ❝  to have a scapegoat --- that’s the key.  ❞ ❝  no need to fear me.  ❞ ❝  sorry, but -- your life story? just not interested.  ❞ ❝  with you...it was love at first sight.  ❞ ❝  gotta understand. you don’t betray people like me.  ❞ ❝  i struggled long to find a place where i’d feel safe, needed. until i finally arrived here.  ❞ ❝  just don’t faint on me.  ❞ ❝  could never be there for you everyday. but i’m happy to see you always. and today, i’m all yours.  ❞ ❝  what others think...your image...that’s all you care about.  ❞ ❝  in these foul times one must be wary, even of their friends.  ❞ ❝  come on, don’t get angry - it’s not good for you..  ❞ ❝  so, apart from the sword play, you know potions and all that?  ❞ ❝  i actually envy your sense of wonder --- common in children, and morons.  ❞ ❝  a lot of misfortune for a small village.  ❞ ❝  who are you? do you seek to hurt me as well?  ❞ ❝  the hand that feeds can also strike its wayward wards.  ❞ ❝  shh. eat now. we’ll speak once you’ve rested.  ❞ ❝  brother has turned against brother, the land is soaked in blood. evil reigns stronger than ever before.  ❞ ❝  good looking and clever. where’ve you been hiding?  ❞ ❝  doesn’t bother you, having monsters for neighbours?  ❞ ❝  stay here --- no matter what happens.  ❞ ❝  i never told you this, but i’ve always felt it: i love you.  ❞ ❝  listen to me this once -- don't take matters into your own hands.  ❞ ❝  love these moments. the air before a battle -- nothing smells as sweet.  ❞ ❝  they tried to get in through the main gate. i’m afraid they could succeed next time.  ❞ ❝  too many claim you’re evil.  ❞ ❝  why are you so eager to help strangers? sit your ass down or there’ll be misfortune.  ❞ ❝  you'd never have managed without me, would you? come, now, admit it.  ❞ ❝  for those who remain, death should never take precedence over life.  ❞ ❝  thanks for coming. thanks for risking your life for me.  ❞ ❝  don’t force me to speak of it. no more, please.  ❞ ❝  when doubt plagues your mind, follow your instincts. should they steer you wrong and land you in muck, you'll land at peace with yourself. and that's most important.  ❞ ❝   just know that i know you're here. one misstep, one error...you'll make a mistake, it's inevitable...i'll be the first to learn it.  ❞ ❝  i do not know you. i’ve done you no harm.  ❞ ❝  try not to panic...just doesn’t suit you.  ❞ ❝  we’ve come a long way, and i’ll be damned if we’ve come to fail.  ❞ ❝  had i known what would happen here, i'd never have come.  ❞ ❝  i can say i’ve seen it all now.  ❞ ❝  these scars have long yearned for your tender caress.  ❞ ❝  i don’t fall victim to curses. i cast them.  ❞ ❝  come outside. we can hold hands and stare at the sky.  ❞ ❝  we’ll work well together --- i can see that already.  ❞ ❝  from the first moment i set eyes upon you that fateful evening, my heart has only beaten for you.  ❞ ❝  i trust you as much as you trust me --- not at all.  ❞ ❝  you’ve gone all red in the face just for talking about it.  ❞ ❝  wake up. it’s just a dream. wake up!  ❞ ❝  i still don’t believe everything that happened.  ❞ ❝  i never miss twice.  ❞ ❝  bit too old to believe in bedtime stories, aren’t you?  ❞ ❝  you humans have...unusual tastes.  ❞ ❝  didn’t think it worthwhile to tell me, warn me of your plans?  ❞ ❝  i think you will not attack one unarmed.  ❞ ❝  the deeper i get into this, the more i gotta wonder...why’re you even helping me?  ❞ ❝  to live in peace, we first must kill.  ❞ ❝  at times fate muddles our path, and life turns toilsome, hard to bear.  ❞ ❝  i fight for whoever’s paying the best. or whoever’s easier to rob.  ❞ ❝  do not let my beauty distract your aim.  ❞ ❝  i’ve seen what is to come, i know destruction approaches.  ❞ ❝  the war awoke an ancient power. an evil one that feeds on bloodshed.  ❞ ❝  guess you’re no stranger to fury, either.  ❞ ❝  think i’m gonna fall for that? no chance, you’re wrong.  ❞ ❝  gotta admit --- you do pretty well with a sword.  ❞ ❝  you dare tell me to calm down?! you?!  ❞ ❝  let's say i go about my business, and when there's coin to be earned, i don't readily turn it down.  ❞ ❝  i wish to know the truth...be it sweet, be it painful, i wish to know.  ❞ ❝  men, the polite ones at least, would call me a monster.  ❞ ❝  even i grow ill at the sight of you.  ❞ ❝  i’m going on a walk. or is that not allowed either? because i could break my leg?  ❞ ❝  plan’s crazier than it is sane...but there’s an irrestistible charm to it.  ❞ ❝  unbelievable! you said something romantic! you!  ❞ ❝  we may not survive this. in fact, our chances are slim.  ❞ ❝  if anything should happen to you...  ❞ ❝  there’s not been a dark cloud yet that didn’t have a silver lining.  ❞ ❝  those are some fresh lookin’ scars you’ve got there.  ❞ ❝  no. no more about the battle. just hold me. and say something nice.  ❞ ❝  stay. this is the only home we’ve ever had.  ❞ ❝  you’re so charming when you try to be funny.  ❞ ❝  not proud of it...yet i considered all the options and found none better.  ❞ ❝  i look far different from when you last saw me.  ❞ ❝  i admire your optimism. wish i shared it.  ❞ ❝  and...try not to draw any attention to yourself.  ❞ ❝  nightmares haunt our nights and days. folk sleepwalk from their homes, never to return.  ❞ ❝  forgive me. it couldn’t be avoided. i truly am sorry.  ❞ ❝  well i’ve departed, escaped, been forced to flee so many times…yet i always returned. you ought to be used to it by now.  ❞ ❝  the human mind is as wild and unexplored a place as any land far beyond the sea.  ❞ ❝  you think you’ve won. you are wrong. i can’t die.  ❞ ❝  you’re something more. something more.  ❞ ❝  barely nicked me, i’ll be fine.  ❞ ❝  it’s just that i felt...stifled, in your shadow. i’d have suffocated had i stayed.  ❞ ❝  come, don’t just stand there. i want a hug.  ❞ ❝  it’s lovely here! i could stay forever.  ❞ ❝  do what you will, but leave me out of this.  ❞ ❝  we should end this discussion -- before i say something i'll regret.  ❞ ❝  you all right? you’re as pale as death.  ❞ ❝  let’s get back to the hut. i’ll protect you along the way.  ❞ ❝  not to keen on talking about it, are you?  ❞ ❝  it’s better to die than to live in the knowledge that you’ve done something that needs forgiveness.  ❞ ❝  i was afraid you were dead.  ❞ ❝  at times one must use reason, rather than blades.  ❞ ❝  need some peace. gotta prepare.  ❞ ❝  i suspected it might not be the best idea, but i was desperate, had no choice.  ❞ ❝  so tell me how it happened. step by step.  ❞ ❝  it was a bit of a lark, a jest. i meant to bring it all back, i swear.  ❞ ❝  if i wanted to kill you, you'd be long dead by now.  ❞ ❝  that is precisely one of the reasons why i abhor your world.    your senseless brutality.  ❞ ❝  i won’t let them take you, you know that?  ❞ ❝  magic...childish hocus-pocus. it’s just not interesting. what i find fascinating are true tales of true human lives.  ❞ ❝  save your praise for others. i couldn’t give a shit.  ❞ ❝  well, well, i am impressed. doubted you still had it in you, frankly.  ❞ ❝  i like you. don’t make me hurt you.  ❞ ❝  you know very little can hurt you being immortal, so you take wild risks, chase extreme sensations. there comes a point you’ve done it all, and all seems boring and monotonous.  ❞ ❝  with you i finally feel...harmony. a calm. feel like things are the way they're supposed to be.  ❞ ❝  i'm afraid the dishwater’s as good as it gets in this establishment.  ❞ ❝  sorry to take so long, but i had to deal with the guards.  ❞ ❝  i’d never miss a chance to spend a pleasant evening with you.  ❞ ❝  you know too much. yet one more reason why you must die.  ❞ ❝  or perhaps you seek to trick me.  ❞ ❝  if you acknowledge any gods...start praying, now.  ❞ ❝  it’s very simple. you either deceived me...or not.  ❞ ❝  i am known neither for my sense of humor nor for my patience.  ❞ ❝  naturally, it would be easier with your help, but...you irritate me.  ❞ ❝  love questions like that. am i holding up? what, my dick?  ❞ ❝  we never hunt in these woods. not even if it means the whole village starves.  ❞ ❝  we’re only ever the ones to know the truth about ourselves.  ❞ ❝  you’re insolent because you believe i cannot afford to hurt you. and you’re right.  ❞ ❝  i detest graveyards, especially wandering them alone.  ❞ ❝  you know too much. you impede me too often. and i find your arrogance an annoyance.  ❞ ❝  i know it’s wartime, but try not to be a hero, all right?  ❞ ❝  i don’t know that i’ll make for engaging company. in truth, i rarely talk to men.  ❞ ❝  you know...had a dream about you recently.  ❞ ❝  i thought i could at least count on you to treat me seriously.  ❞ ❝  don’t ask questions you know the answers to. it makes you look stupid.  ❞ ❝  you’re nosy. starting to piss me off, you know?  ❞ ❝  what did i do to deserve this? have i given you cause to doubt my intentions?  ❞ ❝  don’t fret about me. i always get by somehow, right?  ❞ ❝  i wanted to go with you --- that was my idea.  ❞ ❝  i shan’t stray a step from your side.  ❞ ❝  if that’s what it takes to save the world, it’s better to let that world die.  ❞ ❝  what’s that supposed to mean? that a threat?  ❞ ❝  i’m offering a great and true adventure, an experience like no other, the fate of only the chosen few.  ❞ ❝  that’s like choosing between pestilence and the plague.  ❞ ❝  what’s it matter? i only ever thought of you.  ❞ ❝  did you know you’ve gained twenty-seven new scars since we’ve last saw each other?  ❞ ❝  i need to know the details if you want me to get my hands dirty.  ❞ ❝  don’t know you. go away.  ❞ ❝  ever vigilant, even in your sleep. quite vampire-like, in fact.  ❞ ❝  gotten used to people treating me like a freak, an outcast.  ❞ ❝  we share a cause, then. just like the old days.  ❞ ❝  ever considered becoming a burglar? skill like that’d come in awful handy.  ❞ ❝  there’s never been a frown that couldn’t be turned upside down.  ❞ ❝  honesty's an attribute of the truly brave --- and thus the privilege of the very few.  ❞ ❝  you do not have a monopoly in altruism, my friend.  ❞ ❝  great love demands great sacrifices.  ❞ ❝  i believe it wise at times to share one’s secrets, unburden oneself to those one can trust.  ❞ ❝  it would be nice from time to time if you could sit back and enjoy life, instead of going around solving everyone’s problems.  ❞ ❝  we shall dance until the break of dawn!  ❞ ❝  a man could lose his head for a lass like you.  ❞ ❝  don’t have to come if you don’t want. wait here.  ❞ ❝  never seen this side of you.  ❞ ❝  i’m to kiss the ground you walk on, is that it? but you just did your duty.  ❞ ❝  the day you give me a smile...that moment, that’s what i’m waiting for.  ❞ ❝  i need a soul intelligent and clever, an individual who fears no dare. someone like you.  ❞ ❝  if i was you i’d catch some shut-eye, not go on flapping my tongue.  ❞ ❝  the plan is simple...which does not mean it will be easy to execute.  ❞ ❝  sometimes you really get on my nerves, you know.  ❞ ❝  you shall not turn on me, use what i say against me? you shall not tell anyone?  ❞ ❝  gave you a chance. should’ve taken it.  ❞ ❝  always better to do a bit more and even gain nothing by it,    than to do too little and face regret.  ❞ ❝  it’s lovely out here. the birds singing, the bees buzzing...blissful, really.  ❞ ❝  what a lovely dress. the color suits you exquisitely.  ❞ ❝  pretty fantastic tale. hard as hell to believe.  ❞ ❝  it’s time you discovered my romantic side.  ❞ ❝  you gotta understand the whole world doesn’t revolve around you.  ❞ ❝  can you not see i am out of my mind with worry?  ❞ ❝  every rose has its thorn, and there are no happy endings.  ❞ ❝  pretty quick to reject help. why is that?  ❞ ❝  don’t need to like each other. just gotta do our jobs.  ❞ ❝  frankly, if i can do something for you, i'll do it, willingly.  ❞ ❝  you were hired you kill me, were you not?  ❞ ❝  what’s it like, going toe to toe with a monster? knowing you’ve only two options --- to kill or be killed?  ❞ ❝  this place --- there’s evil here. death hangs in the air.  ❞ ❝  intellect counts as much as strength.  ❞ ❝  i run back inside, hasp the doors, and then i hear it --- someone whispering my name.  ❞ ❝  you know i like you. unlike the rest of this lot, you’ve got a good head on your shoulders.  ❞ ❝  if you love somebody, set them free.  ❞ ❝  if you hate me so deeply, why don’t you tell me to my face?  ❞ ❝  i’m afraid you’d not realize which way the wind was blowing if you pissed straight into it.  ❞ ❝  that was courageous. i'd never expect it from you.  ❞ ❝  i am not easily impressed, but i must admit you have succeeded, my dear.  ❞ ❝  kill me if you must. i’ve nothing to live for anyway.  ❞ ❝  aren’t you an extraordinary beauty.  ❞ ❝  never suspected you believed such things.  ❞ ❝  wait...you want to go with me? out of the question.  ❞ ❝  used to it. not the first time i’ve been hunted.  ❞ ❝  enough of this hesitation, this fretting, these feelings of guilt!  ❞ ❝  strange working with you. strange, but great.  ❞ ❝  give me a moment. i must don something more appropiate and concealing.  ❞ ❝  killing comes as naturally to me as blowing my nose.  ❞ ❝  ......   another tale of a life compromised and ultimately claimed by greed and ambition.  ❞ ❝  in the future, though, remember this --- i can look after myself  ❞ ❝  you'd really worry about me if i went on alone?  ❞ ❝  you have many merits. you merely hide them from the world very diligently.  ❞ ❝  is it true virtue always trumps villainy?  ❞ ❝  watch my movements. i’m spry as a cat and sly as a fox.  ❞ ❝  ah, if only this could last forever.  ❞ ❝  few i can rely on like i can on you. kinda hoping you think the same of me.  ❞ ❝  you are angry at the whole world. you feel inferior, feel pain, though you mask this with confidence, arrogance, even.  ❞ ❝  there exist worries for which there quite simply is no other medicine.  ❞ ❝  your bones look thin, your breathing’s wheezy. afraid one punch might kill you.  ❞ ❝  to love is to build a house of cards, or play a game of chess, but one word or ill-thought move and you must start it all afresh.  ❞ ❝  i’m doing what i ever wanted to do, being who i wanted to be. i believe that’s one definition of happiness.  ❞ ❝  you’ve not an ounce of refinement in you, have you?  ❞ ❝  pain rules the body, but fear is born in the heart.  ❞ ❝  either i get burned, or i’ll burn all else down. no other options.  ❞ ❝  should you decide your sword is the sole solution, i shall not stand in your way.  ❞ ❝  c’mon, come closer.  ❞ ❝  would you prefer i treated you like the lying manipulater you are?  ❞ ❝  i regret nothing. one lives but once.  ❞ ❝  i just hope this tale has a happy ending. for me, for you. for everyone.  ❞ ❝  just gonna go our seperate ways? no parting words?  ❞ ❝  you still stand to be quite useful to me.  ❞ ❝  i suppose you wanted to frighten me...alas, you didn’t in the least. after all, i’m a monster too, am i not?  ❞ ❝  i trust no one. learned that long ago.  ❞ ❝  it cannot be! you actually have a sense of humor.  ❞ ❝  didn’t ask for a lecture on probability. need a simple answer --- yes or no.  ❞ ❝  another word, and i shall spill even more blood. yours.  ❞ ❝  you feel resentment, i understand, but we shall work through all the unfortunate matters of the past.  ❞ ❝  stop playing dumb. i know everything...your plan.  ❞ ❝  honestly can’t see what all those dames see in you --- you’re a stick in the mud.  ❞ ❝  not showy, lovely location...perfect for romantic getaways.  ❞ ❝  i hope you’re not upset i came like this, without warning...  ❞ ❝  i’m still a long way from mastering anything. but i am trying.  ❞ ❝  now i know how you do it. just annoy your opponents to death.  ❞ ❝  word on the street is there’s a hefty bounty on your head.  ❞ ❝  for a few days now i’ve been having dizzy spells.  ❞ ❝  i’ve always had a way with ostensibly dangerous types.  ❞ ❝  wound doesn’t look good.    patch that up quick if i were you, before it starts festering.  ❞ ❝  always seemed to me you were a very complicated creature, by nature. not one to resort to such simple methods like drinking your worries away.  ❞ ❝  may i be honest? yes, i’m nervous. i really would prefer to just run off.  ❞ ❝  father always said a wise man learns from others’ mistakes, so here i am, learning from his.  ❞ ❝  ever since that horrid night...everything has changed.  ❞ ❝  what’s wrong? afraid? gut feeling queasy?  ❞ ❝  used to bother me, all your secrets...now i know if you have something to tell me, you’ll tell me.  ❞ ❝  i so don’t feel like going anywhere. sit here a while longer?  ❞ ❝  there’s something i’d like to know...how can you be so damned calm?  ❞ ❝  my knees quake like a carnival rattle.  ❞ ❝  honestly didn’t think this’d work. doubted anything would happen.  ❞

Far too much (Kuvira x Fem!Reader)

This is part 2 to Close enough? And I’m so thankful for all the people that interacted with my first written work!! So here’s this, I had so much fun writing it! If you guys wanna see somethin more specific or have ideas, send ‘em my way! Love you!!

WC: 5200 (almost 2x my last one!) TW: none that i’m aware of, lemme know though <3

You felt as stupid as a raccoon-toad.

When the  avatar came to collect you to travel back to Zaofu, you were excited because you were going back home, even if you were being punished for your crimes. Unfortunately, Suyin had extended the invitation to the other individuals who were also from Zaofu. It seemed that she was sentimental and decided that every one needed a second chance.

So you were stuck with a bunch of people that you were not entirely fond of, especially when they heard of what happened to Kuvira. After that, you could just feel the glares they sent your way, which was annoying because that’s all they did. They just stared and would raise their stupid eyebrows. Why couldn’t they just get over it and shove it? It didn’t help that your injury still required attendance by healers and physical therapy. So even if you wanted to avoid all attention, it was a little pointless when they said you could only apply yourself for a couple of hours before resting. 

There was a constant dull throb in your side, no matter the number of healers. Sometimes it would chill out but when you were awake for too long or when you skipped a meal, it would come back and stiffen your back. It was a constant battle and there were some times that you just wished that Kuvira double tapped you. It could've saved a lot of emotional and physical turmoil. 

So, back to the situation on hand. You and several others were on a train that would stop in the heart of the Metal Clan. After that, each person would be sent to a camp that was ran by a horse faced individual who lacked the sympathy of a real person. You were told to call him General Zheng, if you ever saw him, and after that he left to go talk to the head of the guard. You and the others were hustled into a medical looking outlet, and each person was given a platinum band around each left ankle. 

“It’s to make sure you don’t leave and to make sure you obey. Can’t have you running around like hen-ducks, right?”

ugh.

..

It had been several days since you had arrived in Zaofu. By then, everyone had been stationed with their community service and you started to get used to the schedule given. General Zhen said since you had to serve the community as your punishment, you could choose your schedule, basically saying, “How long do you really wanna do this?”. You could remain under order until your sentence was done or you could rush it out and leave it early. As early as you could anyway with a 25 year sentence. You decided to go with the latter; even with your injury, you thought that you could cut it by a year or two which sounded pretty minimal but you’d take anything at this point. At 10am you would wake up and eat then head towards the outskirts of the ring. There, you would begin to bend the metal together to create cohesive pieces for other workers to make into the plates that would create the dome. Others were tasked with mining the actual ore, and they were even paid for that, but you had to create the joints for them. Sitting and concentrating for about 8 hours a day would cause you to slouch and then you’d get yelled at by the healers. Who were scarier than a guy on cactus juice. You’d visit the healers once a week and they would see if your scar had healed or if it was infected. After seeing them, you would head over to the park where they held physical therapy outside. It was really nice to see all of nature while an old lady calmly coaxes you into the tree pose. Gaining balance was the hardest because your brain was trying to compensate for the strain in your side. You also kinda wanted to punch the lady because that’s is as far as I go stop pushing me areyoutuchingmerightnowareyouserious.

Needless to say, it was nice to go back to the plain gray walls of your (holding cell) room and just breathe quietly by yourself. 

Then you got used to your routine which was a mistake because then something had to go and mess it up. And who else would it be if not for the very person who put you here?

..

Madam Jilpa was going to be the death of you. That near death experience you had? Insignificant to the pain that this woman was gracing you with. You wanted to strangle her. She was super nice about your wound, saying how it was healing well and then she manhandled you into a position to “stretch your muscles, you’re awfully sore, my dear.” You rolled your shoulders and exhaled as you left the park. Ever since you came back, people avoided you like the plague and it made the anklet a little more tighter each time. Doesn’t help that it was platinum so it just seemed that it was mocking you every time you caught a glimpse of it. Stupid thing. Stupid city. Stupid community service. Stupid- who is that?

You were strolling through the main street of the city, heading to the store when you saw her. Kuvira. The devil herself. Was I thinking about her? Is that why she’s here? Oh god, she can’t see me, what do i do? Where am I gonna hide? You panicked and slid into the nearest shop, which happened to be a tea shop. Luckily there was a line so you didn’t look too odd. Unluckily, the shop had big glass windows. So as much as you could see her, she could possibly see you? Maybe? You dipped next to the door and peeked out, wondering why Kuvira would be away from the estate. Then you saw the entire Beifong family, whelp. That answers your question. No better way to survey someone than surround them with powerful earthbenders. As your eyes glazed over their faces, you saw Bataar Jr. and Kuvira at the back of the pack. You couldn’t tell if they were talking but they looked like they were standing next to each other, and the evil voice in your head wouldn’t stop talking about how they looked. Together. 

Not wanting to add mental therapy to your list of visitation rights, you decided to exit the tea shop and go back the way you came. Back to your plain gray room. Because who needs closure when you have, uh, gray pillows and plain bagels?

…

After that train wreck, it didn’t stop.

Suyin (it felt wrong to call her Su) had talked to the General and they made a plan to talk to each of the prisoners. To really decide if they are evil or not. You could make that decision with the way that these people would play Pai Sho, some of them were just cruel and malicious and a better punishment would be to shove em in the boiling rock. 

Unfortunately you were on that list of visits and it was 3 days from now. They even accepted letters from family members. So that you could read how disappointed they are, one more time. But! It was written so it had sentimental value. You felt nauseous when you saw your name scrawled on the letter. Better now than later, it would seem.

Y/n,

I remember the day you were born. You were a screaming ball of anger and you wouldn’t stop crying until you were placed on my chest. Then you shushed and swooned. I knew then and there that I would love you till the day I die and every day after. And it seems that even now, I feel the same way. But, I know now that some paths are a little crowded and you lost your way. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you find the light in this dim world, but I just wanted you to know that you are my light. And that is all that matters. When you first left, I was left with irreplaceable pain because in a way, you had left me. But you were just touching the ground and spreading your fingers. You thought you knew best and I’m proud of you for sticking with it. But now that you see the end of this journey, you must stick with the repercussions. That is what it means to find the light and settle with it. You face your decisions and lay with the judgements. I’m glad that you came back to Zaofu. Hopefully, one day, I’ll be able to see your beautiful face again.

Love always,

Mom and Dad

A chip had left your shoulder. Thank the spirits. You could feel the wetness on your cheeks from the compassion from your parents. Perhaps they were right. 

Bracing yourself with these words of encouragement, you faced Suyin with strong shoulders and a flinch in your side (cause, honestly, the tea isn’t that good at keeping the pain down).

…

When you were growing up, your parents had tried everything to stop you from sneaking out of the house. They tried metal bars, they tried positive reinforcements, they tried every parental trick in the book. They couldn’t keep you from whatever entranced you from the house. The only person who ever humored you and whoever treated you with some semblance of respect was Kuvira, or ‘Vee, when you were kids. Granted, she also had a rocky relationship but what’s a pot and what’s a kettle? When your parents finally noticed where you were going when you left, they talked to Su about it. If they couldn’t keep you down, they’ll just make sure that nothing bad happens. Because of that, you would spend many hours on the Beifong estate, surrounding yourself with other earthbenders and playing games with the other kids. As you grew, you started to notice how Opal would talk about the cute boy in her class or how Wing and Wei would blush when the dance recitals were held. But, as you got older, all you could think about was how pretty ‘Vee’s eyes were. How green they were, and how much they sparkled when she talked about how she finally joined the guard. How the tank tops she wore outlined her shoulders. You never noticed that when other people were looking outside, that you had found your view right in front of you. Su noticed of course, being the romantic that she was, she got so excited whenever her children were talking about love. Su knew you well, and when Kuvira left Zaofu, she had a feeling that you would leave with her. She had tried so hard to understand you, but she was so angry. Angry at Bataar Jr, angry at Kuvira, angry about everything, that she forgot that you got the short end of the stick too.

So she was nervous too when she invited you over. 

…

The door had opened by then even when you hoped that it would remain shut for a little while longer. A guard had escorted you from your quarters into the matriarch’s afternoon room and she was seated near a window that looked to the sprawling estate of the Metal Clan. She looked up at you and smiled softly, and even from the doorway, you could tell that she had gotten older. Maybe not physically, but her eyes were a little wiser and a little more battle worn. 

You had settled into the opposite chair, with some grace that you managed to muster, and she had offered you tea. It smelled of lemon and blueberries and you couldn’t help but relax. You couldn’t help it, seeing Su as a mother figure made you wistful of all the memories you shared. With those came remorse and you immediately felt guilty. 

“Thank you for allowing me to come back to Zaofu, Su-Suyin, I am eternally grateful that you have allowed me back after what I did,” you said. After your stutter, it seemed your words came in a rush, unable to be held back.

“I wanted to apologize for leaving in the first place. I didn’t realise that I was blind to all the hurt that occurred when this thing started and I should’ve noticed when the first person that was wounded was you. I thought that I knew what I was doing when I left because I thought Ku-” you inhaled sharply, “I thought she would be the answer. It was wrong of me to place such big standards on her without thinking of the consequences. I know now that I followed her out of personal feeling, and not logic. I will forever be humbled by the events that happened and I just hope that you may forgive me. I am incredibly regretful of turning my back on you Su, I wish my eyes had stayed open a little longer.” 

You were a little choked up and you finally pulled your eyes away from your tea cup to look at Su, finding her eyes already on you. Tears were pooling in her eyes and she was softly smiling. 

Laughing softly, she speaks. 

“You don’t speak often but when you do, you speak,” she sighs and looks outside again.

“I must admit that the most heartbreaking thing was watching Kuvira walk out because i knew that if she left, you would too. It's been that way since you were children. Little younglings running across the estate, throwing rocks and giggling to yourselves. I knew when she left that you would go. You follow the ones you love, you want them in your lives so you do what you must. I understand the feeling well.”

She looks at you and stands from her seat, walking around the table and kneeling at your side.

Softly, she places her hands on yours and squeezes. 

“When I saw you on the floor, my mind ran a thousand miles. But until your testimony before your trial, I never imagined. The Kuvira that you love exists, but the Kuvira you followed are not the same. I’m sorry that I didn’t get the chance to warn you. People change right before your very eyes and it’s hard to adapt. I love you as if you were my own, Y/n, and I forgive you. As a parent, I am disappointed but that’s to be expected.”

Smiling you lurched forward and squished her against yourself. It didn’t take you long to become a little touch-starved from being in prison but man, hugging Su felt like landing on cotton and honey. Squeezing your shoulders, Su pulls back.

“Y/n, I’m telling you now what I had to tell myself. The right people get second chances. Currently, Kuvira and Bataar Jr are working with Korra and her friends to stop the remaining forces of the United army. They are good people, and I believe that they can do good things. But it’s up to them. You must wait for them to come to you. This isn’t in your hands now. If they want to change, they must do it themselves. That is my advice to you: good people will come around, they just need time.”

She gave you one last hug and released you. Stepping back she smiled, her eyes finally matching. 

“I don’t want to take up all of your day, so I’ll let you go for now.”

You said your goodbyes with Su and the guard escorted you off of the estate. 

It didn’t hit you until then that you didn’t flinch everytime she said Kuvira. Taking what Su and your parents said, you lifted your shoulders and promised yourself that you would change your days. You would begin the days with a smile and you would end the days with satisfaction. 

…

Days had passed by then and your mood had only gotten better. Physical therapy was going better, your side had stopped constantly throbbing and was starting to scar over. Blues and yellows surrounded the tissue but you were able to go up stairs without passing out! Checking the integrity of the metal plates was what filled your afternoons but those passed by too. Soon, the petals of the metal clan were slowly starting to form and the construction was almost complete. 

One day, when you were coming back from your shift, you had heard that Kuvira had returned. Something about brainwashing and how Asami was kidnapped? It sounded crazy to you but when you thought about it, there was this one doctor who wanted to control a person's thinking. Luckily, ‘Vee thought it was too barbaric and the idea was shelved. Korra was able to put a stop to it and her friends were returned back to normal with both charges returning back to Zaofu. It seemed that that test had proved to the rest of the Beifong family that they had taken a step towards fixing their past and wanting to grasp their future. You were happy that they decided to redeem themselves. It made sleep a little easier knowing that your ‘Vira was still in there. 

Your brain wasn’t helpful though. As successful physical therapy was, it never helped the nightmares. It didn’t help the murmurs of your brain and the self deprecating remarks. It was exhausting. (How come she gets a happy ending? Wasn’t I supposed to be a part of it? I thought she loved me? I thought-) Yeah, well, you thought a lot of things. Just eat your toast and inspect that metal. Spirits sake.

…

Flowers were delivered to you.

Lilacs. Their fragile petals and purple centers called to you and you froze looking at them. They were placed in your quarters along with mail from your parents. You weren’t allowed to send mail yet but you could still receive them. But flowers?

Listen, as an earthbender and a metalbender, you have grown to know the planet pretty well. From the flimsy sand to the swollen stone beneath you, you feel the breath of the earth in your bones. 

But that doesn’t mean you know a single thing about flowers. You know that they are pretty and that roses can be yellow in certain parts of the continent but lilacs? Pretty, purple, dainty, flowers? Confusion couldn’t even begin to explain the words you were feeling. Don’t flowers have meanings too? You have never received flowers before, you had convinced everyone around you that you would rather punch a boulder than receive flowers. And yet here they are.

It seems as if they are staring at you. Glaring at you. Laughing at you. (Who calls themselves an earthbender but can’t tell the difference in flowers? How stupid of-)

Snapping yourself from your stupor you spin around and walk right into the door jam.

Son of a flying-

…

You corner Hahn later on that night. Word in the prison yard says that when he was a free man, he was a farmer who lived next to a guy who happened to be a gardner of flowers. Which flowers didn’t matter but the fact that you kind of knew someone that had knowledge of flowers seemed like a win. 

You plopped yourself on the seat in front of him and stared into his aged eyes. He had dark spotted skin from his field days and the wrinkles around his eyes suggested that he knew many things. A trustworthy source. (Your only source)

“Do you know anything about flowers Hahn?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“I got two days worth of desert that has your name on it if you tell me a thing or two.” Interest peaked, he leaned forward. 

“I have a reputation kid, I ain’t just gonn’ blab about flowers to anyone. I don’t wann’ seem like a flim, ya know?”

“I ain’t gonna talk, I’ll even slide another honey cake in there.”

He thinks for a moment or two before nodding. You slide him the desert from today and he places it into his pocket. Leaning forward, you can smell sunshine and grass from him. 

“What do you know about this?”

You had gently picked a single bud from your bouquet to show him. You weren’t positive if they were lilacs but they were purple and how many flowers were actually purple? 

Humming for a moment, he responds. “. . .Syringa, if I remember correctly. Sold like hot cakes. There’s about several different kinds. This one here is just the smaller kind. If you tryna woo a lass, you call ‘em Lilacs. They got a strong scent though, so careful on the nose.”

Nodding, you ask, “does it have meaning?”

He shrugs, handing the bud back to you. “ Well, it could mean a lot of things. In the younger years, you’d give it to your lass to remind ‘em of your love. Like, a new beginning of  love, remindin’ them of a new stage.”

He then looks you in the eye and glares. “Not a word about this hog wash or I’m stealing your pillow.”

You laugh, “you have my lips sealed, H.”

…

You hadn’t received any more bouquets and your pillows remained intact. New love? Who in the world could that be? You kept your eyes peeled for lurkers when you were on breaks and besides the common glare, nobody else seemed to be paying attention. So where did they come from? You had formed a vase with clay in order to keep your flowers and you were a little tickled to find that they lit up the room. Hmph.

…

Kuvira was two seconds away from suffocating herself. When did it get so hard to be a good person?

The amount of guilt that lifted from her shoulders from the trial was impalpable and she felt almost as confident as 4 years ago. The Beifongs were friendly and she was able to join and attend multiple events and she was slowly learning how to be a mentally stable person. She had started seeing someone in the city and once every two weeks they would take her apart and put her back together. She was getting used to it. Slowly. 

But, spirits, did she miss you.

Something would happen during the day and she would turn to see you, see how your eyebrows would raise and how you would stifle your laughter behind your hands. And then she’d turn and you wouldn’t be there. It was total whiplash, and she wasn’t used to it just yet. Dr. Moko had yet to ask about the elephant-rhino in the room and Kuvira was waiting for the day where she would ask, “why did you attempt two murders, both of which were individuals you cared about?”

What a loaded question. Kuvira wondered how she got stuck with house arrest and not prison. 

On one hand, it's an easy question. She thought she was doing a good thing. Bataar Jr. happened to be in the same place as the avatar and most of the resistance when she fired the spirit weapon and at the time it seemed like a good idea. (Not a good defense, she’s glad this question wasn’t raised during her trial). On the other hand. . .

Her soul would wither when she thought about. . .the. . kiss.

She felt that she was ignited and smothered at the same time. When she felt you melt into her arms, it was intoxicating. Your smell had surrounded her and you felt good in her hands. How she wanted to stay there forever. She wished that she could have stayed there forever. But the voice in her head was blood thirsty and on a victory roll and couldn’t be stopped. It was no excuse but the pain that Kuvira felt when she saw you slowly bleed out in her arms was so much that she zoned out and went on autopilot.

In one of the sessions she has with Dr. Moko, she mentions the voice with high reluctance. Dr. Moko says that the instinctual desires in her subconscious had risen to the challenge and took over, blocking out rational and emotional thought. This discussion had encompassed several sessions and because of that, Kuvira was able to gain control and become a little more independent with her thoughts. It gave her a sense of control, knowing that the Beifong family could trust her again, knowing that Korra wasn’t wrong when she said that they were alike. She had hope and all the split ends of her misdeeds were tying themselves together. But y/n. . .

You plagued her mind like a wine-stained carpet. So naturally, she (subtly) asks Su what happened after Korra stopped the spirit vine weapon. Su fills her in on the hospital visits, the trial, the physical therapy, the letters, everything. 

That week Kuvira stomps into Dr. Moko’s office and says, “I need to talk about y/n.”

And so she does.

She sends you flowers.

Flowers?! She doesn’t have a flower bone in her body, why in the world did she pick out flowers? She even had a mind to pick out a specific type, lilacs: new love. She wanted to ask the florist for a bouquet that would convey “I’m sorry that I stabbed you, I am becoming a mentally stable person and I really wanna kiss you again and you are really pretty.” 

Kuvira figures that lilacs are good enough. 

. . .

It had been about two weeks since you received the flowers. They had started to wilt and you couldn’t help but get sad. You still had not figured out who sent them but a tiny part of you hoped that maybe she sent them. That she still thought of you while she’s learning how to be herself. It was selfish of you to think so, but you couldn’t help it. Kuvira was a major part of your life and to be without her made your heart ache. But you made do. After all, you still had 24 years of community service. . . you sigh. That doesn’t make it better. 

You’re walking towards the park to take part in your therapy session. Several other people had come and gone and it was nice to see people learning how to overcome their struggles. You were growing stronger every day. Madam said that soon, you would be able to fully do the physical side of bending again. You could spar soon! You were starting to get antsy with all the chill meditation that Madam Jilpa was having you do. The bruising was gone on your side and you could extend your arms fully without twinges or aches. 

You step onto familiar green grass and take off your shoes. Feeling the earth beneath your feet helped ground you when trying new therapy techniques that had you worried that your legs would suddenly give out on you. After placing your shoes next to your bag you look up and see your teacher and several others. There were more people today than usual which was odd. You couldn’t remember if there was a sudden climb of injuries in the last week but alas, more people meant less one-on-one time from the old lady herself. You walk over to a spot of grass and plop down, stretching your legs out in front of you. Planning on doing basic stretches you exhale-

“Need a partner?”

-and immediately inhale. You open your eyes and swirl around looking at the individual. Kuvira stands there relaxed, if not a little stiff, and is looking at you with her hands behind her back. The naive voice in your head screams in victory and you nod your head, still silent. Kuvira sits next to you and out of panic, you look around seeing everyone else doing the buddy system. Some were wearing the same clothing patterns as Kuvira meaning that they came over as a group. Meaning this wasn’t accidental. Meaning this was planned. Meaning this was the worst day of your entire life. Perhaps you should just run away and become a no name in the wilds, because then you’d be able to cope with the situation instead of just stewing in silence.

Kuvira places her knees together and leans forward, stretching her head towards her legs as she exhales. Knowing that Madam Jilpa would swat you, you slowly do the same. After you scootch further away, of course. 

It’s painfully awkward. As Madam Jilpa begins, others join in with soft whispers and mutters of conversation. But the bubble that surrounds you is so tense that it doesn’t help the panic spasms that start to creep up your spine. 

After coming back up from a lateral position, your eyes roam and they meet Kuvira’s. She’s looking at you fully, and not even Madam’s loud “Next!” breaks her attention. She’s looking at you and she stops her exercise to face you completely. Her eyes lower and she looks at your right side where your shirt had bunched up showing the scar tissue. Shocked, you pull your shirt down and shuffle a little farther away.

She speaks so softly you probably wouldn’t have heard her had you not been so attuned with her whole being. 

“I’m sorry.” 

You inhale and nod, bracing your attention forward and copying Madam’s next movement. 

You try incredibly hard to ignore her stare for the rest of the session but it’s so heavy and so thick. At some point, Madam introduces a new position and spirits does it pull a muscle that you didn’t realise you had. It starts with your back on the ground, which is easy enough, and then you lift your hips and turn to the side. Keeping your shoulders to the ground, your head turns the opposite way. You flinch when it strains the muscles in your side. Your legs begin to quiver when a hand settles over your knee and brings your legs away from the ground, making the stretch more shallow. Your eyes see Kuvira as she holds your legs.

“Don’t do it too deep, you’ll sprain something. Start here.”

Following that, she lowers your legs again but into a place that doesn’t make you flinch in pain. 

You missed her touch, you realise. You missed how softly she would hold you. Your eyes start to water when you realise how fucked up this is. She is right there in front of you, and all you can think about is how betrayed you felt. You never got the closure you needed from her and it’s being revealed as she helps you stretch. You’re silently crying while she places your legs down and helps you into a seated position. 

“I should have visited you some time ago. I wanted to apologize to you, for wounding you and for leaving you alone when all you did was trust me. I misplaced your trust and I will forever be in your debt for doing so. I am incredibly sorry y/n,” she says as she looks into your eyes.

You sniffle as she grabs your hands. Squeezing them, you respond. 

“Thank you, ‘Vee.”

And when you smile, the future seems a whole lot brighter.

The Phenomenon of the Immortal Sun: Jasper Hale x Fleur Swan, Chapter 7

None of the characters in Twilight belong to me, all rights go to Stephenie Meyer.

Authors note: I have no idea how this turned out... hope you like it. This is also a short chapter... I wanted to pace this a certain way so I hope it's not disorientating.

"He's so hollow My baby, made him blind until he wasted fate So I'm left behind until he curse my sorrow But I know on mother earth I see the weather"

Mother Earth by: BANKS

One Week Later...

Burning...weakness, the constant chase for satisfaction that could never fully be fulfilled. Never being able to get enough blood was finally getting to me, my mind was playing cruel tricks on me and I had no control over my emotions. It felt like I was a newborn again, I wanted to snap at everyone who talked to me, no matter how kind they were. I remember Carlisle told me when he first turned that he tried to kill himself by starvation, the hunger had driven him so mad he was desperate to drink anything and a deer was in his line of view. I guess the madness came at a good time for him and I knew that I could get a moment of clarity soon.

I was thankful Sam didn't do anything brash when he found out I was pregnant. I guess us being so close all those years had a hand to play in his decisions. I haven't heard anything about Bella and Edward... it concerned me a bit. I knew both had vindictive tendencies and I was just waiting for them to strike. I landed back on the white couch, my black clouded, and dark circled eyes were just staring at the couch...It felt like I could burn a hole into my eyes in a constant state of fixation on that same spot. No blood could sidate me, whether it was animal, or human. The familiar touch of my love was the only thing anchoring me down, reminding me of who I was, and who I will eventually become again. I sat up and stretched my neck, I took in a deep breath before puffing it out again. Esme, Alice, Dean, Emmett, and Carlisle had all gone out for a quick hunt so they could be at their strongest just in case I went into labor. For now, it was just Bree, Jasper, and Rosalie with me.

"You know I just realized something," Rosalie said, looking at me.

"What?" I inquired back.

"You two have never talked about baby names, what are they?"

I let out a small chuckle before turning to Jasper, a smirk was on his face as well.

"Well, I thought of Amelia or Rebecca for a girl and Louis or Vincent for a boy... I have another boy name but... I'm not too sure about it." I answered back.

"Those aren't... terrible. I am actually impressed. I think Louis and Amelia are beautiful names" Rosalie replied a smile was on her face.

" I am going to love this child with my entire being but... I never want to go through this ever again. I mean... I feel like I am going crazy."

Jasper rubbed my shoulder comfortingly, he could sense the guilt I felt for feeling like that.

"I could only imagine how bad you must feel, I couldn't handle not drinking blood for 2 days." Bree added.

"Just wait, when they'll come, what happening now will seem minuscule." Jasper comforted.

Rosalie sat next to me now, nodding in agreement with Jasper.

I smiled down at my stomach and sighed.

"Yeah... it will."

I had gotten up with the help of Jasper and Rosalie, Bree had walked into the kitchen to get me some more animal blood when suddenly, the world went black and a searing pain hit me in every nerve of my body. I could hear the echoing of Rose, Bree, and Jasper's panic filled the room. My vision came back and I looked down at my stomach, it was beginning to crack. In my moment of faintness, I was moved into Carlisle's office. I had blacked out again, hearing the frantic voice of Rosalie on the phone.

POV Change: Jasper's

It had happened so quickly, no one knew what had triggered it. Rosalie and I helped her up and as soon as she got to the counter, she doubled over in pain and blackout. She then started to fall to the ground losing her grip on the counter, her shirt had lifted up slightly and I saw her stomach. It was littered in cracks as if she was beginning to shatter. I caught her and ran her into Carlisle's office, everything was already laid out for her. Bree had run in a given Rosalie the phone, she dialed quickly hoping Carlisle would have received the call so far away.

"Hello?" I heard Carlisle's voice through the phone.

"Carlisle!? It's Fleur... I think she went into labor! You need to get back here now her skin is starting to crack." Rosalie said franticly, if she was a human she would've passed out by now due to lack of oxygen.

"I won't be able to make it back in time you three just need to listen to what I say!" Carlisle demanded.

"Yeah okay... what do we do?" I asked, Rosalie had put the phone on speaker.

"You're going to have to break her skin all the way, if it is cracking so severely she won't be able to give birth naturally without dying. Break the skin on the lower part of her stomach, that's where they'll come out. No knife will be able to penetrate her skin and morphine won't affect her."

I swallowed hard before doing what Carlisle said, as soon as I started cracking it however I could hear Fleur starting to scream, it must've woken her up. Rosalie and Bree jogged toward her trying to comfort her.

"Hey, hey, you're going to be fine okay? This is the hardest part... hold my hands if you have to." Rosalie said lowering herself down to Fleur's level. Fleur didn't seem to hear her, she was too concentrated on the pain. I felt every part of it, it reminded me of when I was with Maria but... I never knew I could feel something this strong before, it was unbearable.

"What now!?" I asked demandingly.

"Do you have her skin broken all the way?"

As soon as he said that, a gush of blood expelled from her body, it was probably from the human blood the protected those organs.

Everything else had faded out and I quickly grabbed them. A wail could be heard across the room. I could hear Rosalie gasp before laughing joyfully, and Bree just stood in the back, she looked shocked. Fleurs screaming had stopped and she sighed in relief, she still sounded weak. I held them close to me and smiled, I looked into their eyes and other facial features. He was a spitting image of his mother.

"Her skin should heal on its own now, it may take a few days," Carlisle explained before the phone went dead.

"Looks like you were right Darlin, it's a boy."

"Oh he's perfect Fleur!" Rosalie exclaimed.

"He's beautiful... Ezra is beautiful..." She then blacked out again...

"Come back Fleur...please." I murmured.

Love, William (Bill Weasley x OC) - Chapter 2

WARNINGS: bad parenting, Bill being awkward, Fred, George and Charlie being the best siblings 🤭

Chapter 2 - Bill's Surprise

“Did you pack your books?”

“What books?” Theodora asked her mother, puzzled.

“For school.” Mrs. Cork sighed.

“Why would I need my school books for the summer?” Theodora frowned. “I am coming back home before the school year starts.”

“It wouldn’t hurt you to revise a little.” Mrs. Cork crossed her arms on her chest.

“Mum, I’m doing fine at school.” Theodora tried hard not to roll her eyes.

She got 6 O.W.L.s in her fifth year and she passed all her classes with better marks than she expected and her mother was still nagging her. She is comparing her youngest to her eldest too much. Theodora’s brother was the best in his year in every class and he’s getting a promotion at work.

Theodora has been home for 14 days and it’s all her mother talks about. Theodora found out about the promotion before anyone else because Eric wrote to her the second he got the news.

As much as she’s happy for him, that much her mother is getting on her nerves for it. She might be 17 but Mrs. Cork still acts as if she’s 11 and is hoping Theodora might follow her brother’s footsteps or at least go back to her dream when she was a second-year – becoming a Curse Breaker.

Theodora still remembers the conversation she had with her mother last year when she told her that she is not joining Eric in America nor going to work for the Wizarding Bank. She was mustering the courage to tell her she changed her mind for a week before sitting her down and to say that her mother was disappointed in her decision was an understatement.

Theodora knew she isn’t going to support her new career choice but she didn’t care. She found her passion and she is going to follow it. Dad did the same – an inspired Magizoologist trying to write a book about all magical creatures in Asia. And what did her mother do when he told her about his journey? She filed for divorce instead of supporting him.

The only thing Theodora and Eric have of their dad now is his monthly letters and a few pictures per year as their mother doesn't even allow him to visit.

Theodora used to ask herself why Eric didn’t take an Auror job here in England. Why go all the way across the Atlantic? Now that she saw her mother in her true form – being alone with her ever since Eric finished school – she understood that he wanted to be as far away from her as possible.

“You can always do better.” Mrs. Cork pursed her lips, watching her daughter’s every move while she was putting clothes in her trunk.

“I’ll take the books if it’ll make you happy.” Theodora tried her hardest to keep her voice casual.

The last thing she needed was for her mother to change her mind and her being stuck in this house with her because of it.

“Molly will write to me every week to let me know how you are behaving. You be nice while you’re there and don’t you dare step out of line.” Mrs. Cork raised her voice.

“Ok, mum.” Theodora bowed her head.

She couldn’t wait to spend the Summer at the Burrow with her best friends and their siblings. Mrs. Weasley is strict but at least she is a loving mum.

Theodora didn’t even bother to wait and see if her mother is going to hug her. She took the trunk outside, took her jacket off the hanger just in case there would be a chilly summer night, and turned to the door where her mother stood, her arms still crossed on her chest.

If Theodora didn’t know any better, she would say that she was judging her. She hated how her mother watched her every movement and thanked Godric – for what seemed the tenth time this morning – that the twins convinced her to spend the summer at the Burrow.

“Well, bye.” Theodora waved awkwardly, not knowing what else to do.

Her mother gave a small nod and after a sigh, Theodora apparated to her summer destination.

—

“What’s wrong?”

The second Theodora appeared in front of the Burrow the twins came out of the house. She was half an hour late and they have been looking through the window, awaiting her arrival.

Fred took her trunk without even asking, taking it inside, while George stayed behind, his hand on her shoulder, waiting for her to answer his question.

“Thank you.” Was all she said, pulling George into a tight hug.

At first, it seemed like a good idea but when she felt her eyes burn, ready to release the tears, she quickly pulled away. She didn’t want to cry in front of him.

She only did so once, when she broke up with her boyfriend last year, and the second a tear ran down her cheek, Fred and George had their wands ready, prepared to hex the hell out of the boy who broke her heart.

“That bad, huh?” George put his hands on her shoulders and lowered his head to look her in the eyes.

“You have no idea.” Theodora shook her head. “She’s insane. No wonder dad left.”

“Whoa, what happened?” Fred said from the doorway. “Did she give you a hard time again?” He frowned.

Theodora only nodded. She wasn’t sure she was strong enough to talk about it.

“Come on, let’s get you in. Mum just made lemonade and we can talk about it in our room.” Fred grinned, trying to lighten the mood.

He swung his hand, inviting her inside. The second she stepped through the door, she started to feel better. The whole house smelled like roast beef and baked potatoes. If her mother allowed her, she would be here all the time and probably only go home when Eric would come to visit from America.

“Theodora, dear. Welcome back!” Before she could take another step Molly welcomed her with one of her famous embraces. “Arthur and I were just discussing this morning when was the last time you were here.”

“The summer after our second year.” Theodora smiled widely.

Mrs. Weasley made her feel so welcomed that she already felt better.

“She was only here once, mum,” Fred added.

“You have to come more often, dear. You might just be the only person to keep these two in line.” Mrs. Weasley put her hands on her hips and looked at the twins.

Theodora giggled upon seeing the irritated expression on Fred and George’s faces.

“Where’s your trunk?” Their mum asked after looking for it on the floor.

“I already took it to our room,” Fred answered for her.

“Your room?” Molly frowned. “Don’t even think about it! Theodora will stay with Ginny.”

“Oh, come on, mum!” George whined. “You know we’re only friends. We’re just going to work,” he bit his tongue at the last second as he forgot that their mum had no idea what the trio had in store for this summer, “on stuff.”

“You know the rules, George.” Molly raised her voice. “She is sleeping in Ginny’s room and that’s final.” With that, she turned on her heel and returned to the kitchen.

“Don’t worry, we’ll sneak you in our room when she goes to sleep,” Fred whispered to Theodora, making her giggle.

Before she could even ask where the others are, she was dragged into the twins’ room.

“We have about three hours before supper and we need your help.” George sat on the floor.

Theodora was surprised he found a spot that wasn’t covered with their products, prototypes, wrappers, or parts.

“What’s on your mind?” Theodora pushed a big box with Boxing Telescopes away so she could sit down next to George.

“We have been trying for days to make the Screaming Yo-yo stop screaming.” Fred sighed and opened the drawer of his desk.

“Isn’t that the point?” Theodora chuckled.

“The yo-yo is supposed to scream when you release it but stop once it’s wrapped up again,” George explained.

“Didn’t we already fix this?” Theodora tried to remember.

They have been working and developing so many new products over the past year that some of them have been a blur for Theodora. She remembers all too well getting punched by one of those telescopes in the box. She remembers how happy they were when their Smoke Pastille finally had the right thickness of the smoke.

With Arthur’s help, without him even knowing about it, they perfected the Electric Shock Shake and she could swear the yo-yo already gave them trouble.

“We fixed the fact that it doesn’t fall apart once you roll it up and down twice.” Fred rubbed his chin.

“But now it doesn’t stop screaming even if one puts it down.” George frowned, now holding one in his hand.

“Can we do a timed Silencing Charm?” Theodora thought out loud.

“Explain,” the twins said together, sitting closer to her.

“Well, we want the yo-yo only to scream once unrolled, right?” They both nodded. “So all we would have to do is put a Silencing Charm on it in a way that it mutes the screaming when the string rolls back up.”

Theodora didn’t know what to make of their faces. Fred was staring at her, his eyes wide open. George’s eyes switched between her and the yo-yo in his hand, forgetting how to close his mouth.

“That’s brilliant.” The twins said in unison.

“So you know how to do it?” Theodora sounded impressed.

“Nah,” George swung his hand, “we’ll ask Bill after dinner. He’s good with Charms.”

“Let me try.” Theodora took the yo-yo out of George’s hand.

She would rather spend an entire night trying to fix the product on her own than work with Bill on it. She knew she wouldn’t be able to concentrate enough around him to pull anything off.

Theodora has been nervous for days now, knowing Bill is coming home. She hated feeling this way but she couldn’t help it either. She kept wondering how Bill looks like now and if he is as sweet as she remembers him being.

Last night, before coming here, she couldn’t stop thinking about him and she tried figuring out why was she so hooked on the eldest Weasley. Was it because he looked so cool in his leather jacket or because he was a Curse Breaker? Was it because he was cute or simply because he was so much older than her?

No matter how much she tried beating her head around it, she couldn’t figure it out, which only made her more nervous.

—

“Blimey, Theo, you did it!” George gasped when they tried spinning the yo-yo for what seemed like the 100th time.

Their ears were hurting and their eyes were burning not taking a break since they started. After trying the Silencing Charm more times they could count and casting it on different parts of the yo-yo, Theodora’s last attempt did the trick.

“Dinner!” They heard Molly shout from downstairs.

Theodora put her hands over her face, trying to close her eyes for a few seconds. She didn’t want to come down looking like a mummy.

“Race you downstairs!” George laughed and hastily opened the door.

“Child,” Fred said with a smile on his face and ran after his brother.

Theodora did the same and they pushed each other on their way down, all trying to get to the kitchen first. Because of Fred’s hand over his face, George didn’t see Theodora move in front of him and he stumbled across her leg and started rolling down the stairs.

Panicking, he grabbed his brother by the shirt and pulled him with him. Fred didn’t want to be the only one falling so he put his hand around Theodora and they landed at the bottom of the stairs as if a bowling ball hit the pins.

One look at one another and they all started laughing. They tried getting up but their legs were somehow tangled and instead of trying harder they only laughed louder.

“Idiots.” A familiar voice made Theodora look up.

“Charlie!” She exclaimed.

Charlie who was leaning on a pillar next to the stairs pushed himself away, took a step closer, and offered Theodora a hand to help her get up.

“I will ask you again, why are you friends with these two?” He asked, pointing at the twins.

“They grew on me.” Theodora shrugged her shoulders playfully before giving Charlie a hug.

“I missed you, Theo. When are you coming to visit me in Romania?” Charlie grinned.

“Back off, Charlie, she’s our friend.” Fred teased his older brother.

“Hi.” The four of them turned around to see Bill standing in the doorway.

Theodora’s heart started beating faster. All her hope that her silly crush on Bill ended was diminished within seconds. She has been mentally preparing to see Bill again, but she was not ready at all for what she was looking at.

Bill’s hair was in a loose ponytail, gracefully falling over his shoulder. He had a fang earring and his left eyebrow was halved. He was wearing a different leather jacket then she remembered, along with black jeans, and were those leather boots?

She opened her mouth to say something but with her heart in her throat she couldn’t even sigh.

“I don’t believe we’ve met,” Bill said politely.

His gentle smile weakened her knees and suddenly the idea of spending the entire summer alone with her mother didn’t seem that bad. How will she be able to be around him for 2 whole months? She knew herself too well to know she won’t have the strength to do it.

Bill took a step toward her and offered his hand to shake. Theodora shook her head, trying to focus but got confused. Did Bill not remember her?

Her heart sank. Even if she wanted to she couldn’t deny that if that was the case, it hurt. She might not have been at the Burrow for years but is she that unmemorable?

Her palms were sweaty due to how nervous she was, so she wiped them in her jeans before extending her hand at Bill, not knowing what else to do. It’s better she goes along with it, pretending that she doesn’t know who he is either than making a fool out of herself by mocking him how he doesn’t remember her.

Before their hands could come together into a handshake, Fred put his fingers around her wrist, taking her hand away.

“Bill, have you fallen off a pyramid? Don’t you remember Theo?” He looked at his eldest brother with a raised brow.

“Theodora?” Bill sounded astounded.

He blinked at her a few times, his eyes scanning her from head to toe.

Theodora looked at the other three Weasley brothers, not knowing what to do or say. Charlie was biting his lip, red in the face trying hard not to burst out laughing. Fred slammed his hand against his forehead and George’s eyes were filling with tears as he too, was trying to keep his mouth closed. If she was completely honest, she had no idea what exactly was happening.

“Hey.” She waved awkwardly at Bill.

“You...you’ve changed,” Bill mumbled, still completely awestruck, realizing the girl he is looking at isn’t 13 anymore.

“Thanks.” Theodora couldn’t get rid of the puzzled expression on her face.

“I...I mean...you...you’re all grown up.” Bill breathed.

He was acting as if it was strange that she is now taller, more developed and her hair is longer. Bill couldn’t believe how much she changed. She was barely a teenager when he last saw her and he remembers how passionate she was about Curse Breaking asking him different questions for days.

He loved answering every single one of them because she reminded him so much of Charlie when he was talking about dragons.

This hairdo was better than the bangs and the bob she had back then. She was cuter with longer hair, beautiful even. Bill tried to remember if she was really the same age as his two younger brothers. Standing next to them, she looked at least two years older than them. She wasn’t a girl anymore, she was a grown-up woman.

Charlie and the twins couldn’t hold in the laughter anymore and were now standing behind Theodora gasping for air. They couldn’t believe Bill didn’t recognize her. The last time Charlie saw her was also that summer that she stayed over but he didn’t have trouble remembering who she was.

“Are you going to say you recognized her at once?” Bill rolled his eyes, annoyed that they were making fun out of him.

“Yes! I don’t know what you were looking at.” Charlie came closer to Bill and put his arm around his shoulder.

“I...” Bill’s jaw dropped, scanning Theodora with his eyes again. “Oh, shut up.”

“I can’t believe you actually wanted to introduce yourself to her.” Fred was clutching at his stomach, still laughing.

“And you used your special charming smile on her too!” George added.

“I did not!” Bill tried defending himself, his face red as a tomato.

“Oh, you totally did.” Charlie joined in on the teasing.

Bill shook his shoulders, making Charlie’s arm fall off them. Why did he decide to spend half of his summer at home was beyond him.

“I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you, Theodora.” He turned to her, looking embarrassed.

“It’s okay.” She chuckled. “It happens.”

She still didn’t know what to think of it. It can’t be a good thing that he didn’t remember her at all. But then again why should she care, Bill was too cool and too old for her anyway. She is just being silly.

“How did you know who she was?” Bill turned to Charlie.

“She joined the Quidditch team when I was in my seventh year. One of the best Chasers I had a chance to play with.” He grinned at Theodora.

That compliment meant a lot to her. Even though she didn’t plan to pursue Quidditch professionally she still loved the sport and she couldn’t wait for the tournament.

“Oh, Charlie that reminds me...” This was her chance to stir the conversation in a different direction. This whole fiasco has been awkward enough as it was, she didn’t want to be reminded once more that Bill was completely clueless about who she was. “...I apologize for not answering your last letter. I knew you were going to be at the Burrow.”

“No problem, Theo.” Charlie swung his hand, letting her know she shouldn’t worry about it.

“You two send each other letters?” Fred and George said together. “You didn’t tell them?” Charlie giggled.

This was all too amusing to him and just reminded him more how much he missed hanging out with his siblings.

“I thought you knew.” Theodora frowned at the twins. “I open all his letters in front of you every time.”

“You sign your name as Charles when you write to her?” Fred chortled.

“You’re the one who came up with the fire-breathing toffees?” George’s mouth fell open.

They knew all about Theodora’s letters to Charles but since their older brother always signed the letters to them as Charlie, they thought Theodora either had an uncle or a pen pal with the same name.

Bill was the big brother, the one they were supposed to fear, the one who was in charge when mum and dad weren’t home, the one who got mad at them. Charlie was the big brother that secretly sneaked cookies into their room even when mum said that they ate too many already. He was the brother that lied for them when he was still a Prefect at school and never deducted any points because of their shenanigans.

The second George connected the dots, remembering when Theodora gave them the brilliant idea about the fire-breathing toffees and she said that Charlie came up with them, he was beyond surprised.

“Honestly,” George turned his head to his twin, “we should’ve figured that one out.”

Fred simply shrugged in reply. It didn’t matter. Their brother came up with one of the best products they’ve made in months and he kept their idea — of opening a joke shop once they finish school — from mum.

Besides, the twins knew how much talking to Charlie meant to Theodora. Her brother was often on missions, where the letters couldn’t reach him so she was lucky if she got a letter or two per month. Corresponding with Charlie on a weekly basis made her miss her brother less and if that made their best friend’s day better they are willing to share their sibling with her.

“Are you still playing?” Bill turned to Theodora the second they sat down at the table.

“Yeah and hopefully next year as well.” Theodora grinned, happy to see Bill expressing interest in her.

“You should have seen her, Charlie!” Fred said with his mouth full.

“She scored half of the goals at the last game!” George added.

“You showed talent from the start and I was happy I decided to put you on the team,” Charlie said proudly.

“Are you going to play Quidditch after school or are you still interested in Curse Breaking?” Bill asked.

Theodora didn’t know in which direction to turn. She was still blushing from the compliment Charlie gave her but she wanted to talk to Bill more than anyone.

“Why are you asking, William?” Fred said in a mocking voice before Theodora could answer.

“Want her all for yourself in Egypt, huh?” George joined in.

The twins started laughing, George almost suffocating on a piece of potato, when Charlie started whistling and winking at his older brother. Theodora tried not to giggle.

This was all too amusing to her and she couldn’t help but wish that their entire summer would be like this. Hopefully, not teasing Bill as much as he was rather uncomfortable – sitting next to her – but them being together and having fun. This was just what she needed after spending 14 days alone with her mother.

“Can’t I even ask her a question without you being gits?” Bill ran a hand over his face, ready to leave the kitchen.

“Sit back down, William, and eat your dinner.” Molly pointed a fork at her eldest and with a sigh, he sat back down.

“Are you kids excited about the Weasley Quidditch Tournament?” Bill has never been so grateful for his father to speak during dinner.

“Yes!” The twins jumped in their seats.

“Charlie will be our Seeker,” Fred said proudly.

“We’re the Beaters.” George followed.

“Well, Theo has to be one of our Chasers. There’s no arguing about that.” Charlie grinned at Theodora.

“Will you allow Ginny to play, mum?” George turned to his mother, making puppy eyes.

“I suppose so.” Molly sighed. “We’ll all be there to watch, so it’s fine.”

Everyone turned to Ginny, who was quietly playing with a piece of meat on her plate. She looked up when she heard her mum say that she could play and her cheeks turned scarlet. She couldn’t believe it! She’ll be allowed to play at the tournament? Along with all of her brothers?

She started shaking in her seat as Charlie, who was sitting next to her, put his arm around her, giggling to see how excited his little sister was.

“So, Ron’s going to be the Keeper then?” Mr. Weasley questioned.

“Of course, who else!” Ron lifted his head proudly.

Most of the times the Weasley siblings were playing Quidditch in their backyard, Ron played as a Keeper and he was getting rather good at it too. Of course, he couldn’t deny that if Theodora was on the opposite team he would feel too intimidated to play.

He attended most friendly matches and every cup game since his friend Harry made the team and he saw how amazing Theodora is with scoring goals. The Gryffindor team wouldn’t have won the cup this year if it wasn’t for her.

“Brilliant, we just need one more Chaser.” Fred clapped his hands together.

“Are you playing?” Theodora turned to Bill.

“Of course!” Bill blurted out.

He wasn’t planning on it but seeing how excited Theodora was, asking him if he will be on their team, he wanted to join at once. He was a bit rusty and hasn’t used a broom in a long time – exploring tombs and pyramids doesn’t exactly need flying experience.

Suddenly, he was very grateful for coming home earlier and not just for the game as he initially planned. He could use some flying lessons from Charlie and a few hours of practice. Hopefully, Theodora won’t be around while he embarrasses himself on the broom.

But on the second hand, why should he care what she thinks of him?

“Are you sure you’ll be able to play?” Charlie whispered to Bill.

“Yeah, why not?” Bill leaned to him.

“Will you be able to play alongside Theo if you already can’t take your eyes off her?”

At those words, Bill turned his head to his brother, frowning. Charlie winked at him and nodded his head at Theodora.

“Oh, bugger off, will you,” Bill muttered, trying not to look at her again, but no matter how hard he tried, his eyes kept escaping to her for the rest of the evening.

hi, can u do jeongguk yandere which he’s a werewolf and the oc childhood sweetheart???

Moon Bound

Jungkook, YN’s childhood best friend, abandoned her their senior year of high school without a word. Determined to forget him, YN attends college across the country. But what will she do when he shows up on her doorstep rain soaked and sharp toothed, confessions and craziness slipping from his lips?

Warnings: Yandere themes

Admin @chimchimsauce

YN always hated storms. Ever since she was but a small tot, the bright flashes of light and loud boom that shook the air after terrified her to her core. Without fail, she would run towards whoever was nearest for comfort.

That’s how she met Jungkook. Her parents and his had decided to get together for dinner after Jungkook and his family moved in next door. It started off fine. Jungkook was shy kid with big eyes and a small smile who agreed to play with the stuffed animals she insisted on bringing over.

After eating, the adults talk about whatever adults talk about while YN and Jungkook play in his bedroom.

“You know,” six-year-old YN said as she raised a purple giraffe into the air, “You don’t talk very much.”

Jungkook’s cheeks went red in an instant and the eye contact he struggled to maintain fell away.

“I’m sorry,” he said, voice quiet and small smile gone.

YN could tell right away that she hurt his feelings.

“It’s not a bad thing,” YN found herself saying, “You can be quiet if you want. I can talk for the both of us.”

And just like that the smile was back and a best friendship was formed.

Jungkook and YN were best friends for over a decade. They saw each other every day at school and then saw each other some more during the evening when they hung out. They were inseparable, closer than two people could possibly be.

And it was heaven. Jungkook understood YN better than she understood herself. He supported her when even her parents were against her decisions. He was there for the bad days just as wholeheartedly as he showed up for the good ones. And of course, because he was Jungkook, the sweetest and kindest best friend, the years were incredibly kind to him. He bloomed like a rose, beautiful and eye catching and tempting to all who swarmed around him.

But he never abandoned YN. Because if Jungkook was a rose, YN was the moonlight watching over him. Sure, sunshine brings out the best in people, helps them shine the brightest, but the moon knows your deepest secrets. The moon watches over you with gentle reassurance and a knowing smile, a peaceful friend.

Jungkook’s life was perfect. Perfect, until his senior year of high school when he came home to find a giant beast lurking in his living room. Before he could scream, his mother came out form behind the beast, a gentle smile on her face.

“Get away from that thing, Mother!” Jungkook shouted, rushing towards her and hiding her small body behind his larger one.

“There’s no need to be afraid, darling,” his mother says, “He will do you no harm.”

“He? Mom, it’s a wolf! He could kill us!” Jungkook says, terrified.

“He’s also your father,” his mother says.

One simple sentence changed his life forever. That night, over a steaming hot cup of cocoa he didn’t touch once, his parents explained that Jungkook wasn’t human. They told him of the Moon’s curse and the way it passed from generation to generation, from father to son. They told him of the changes he would soon be experiencing and the role he was to play in this world he didn’t know existed.

“What do I tell YN?” he asked, mind reeling.

He wanted nothing more than to run to her and let her comfort him, tell him that his parents were crazy.

But he’d seen the beast transform into his father right before his eyes. As much as he wanted to, Jungkook knew that there was no way this was fiction.

“You can’t tell her,” his father says sadly, “I know the two of you are close, but that will have to stop. It’s too dangerous. We have to keep our secret to keep us all safe.”

“She wouldn’t tell anyone! I know she wouldn’t! You know she wouldn’t!”

His mother places a pitying hand over Jungkook’s tightening fist.

“YN is a very sweet girl. A very good girl. But she’s also human.”

“SO ARE YOU!” Jungkook roared out, standing up with a force strong enough to send his chair tumbling.”

“But I am your Father’s moon bound,” his mother continues, “The one the mood goddess chose to love him and help continue his legacy.”

“But I love her!” Jungkook insists, desperation beginning to take over.

He’s known YN nearly his whole life. She’s his best friend, the person he trusts more than anyone on the planet.

“You may feel that way now, son, but -” his father starts to say.

“I don’t want to hear it!” Jungkook screams.

“But the moon goddess knows what’s best for you. She will send you the one who is truly meant for you.”

“It’s YN, I know!” Jungkook says, “It has to be!”

“You will find out on your twentieth birthday. That is the day that your transformation will be complete. Until then you have to stay away from her.”

“No!” Jungkook says.

His emotions are all over the place. He’s scared and angry and confused and it swirls together into a violent storm in his brain.

“You could hurt her, Jungkook. These next two years are going to be difficult and dangerous. You never know when your body will change or when your mind will yield to the wolf’s call. You could end up killing her.”

That knocks the air out of his body. He’s never lay a hand on her, never.

“I-”

“That’s why you will be going to the University meant for Werewolves as soon as you graduate. It’s best if you just cut YN off now before anyone gets hurt.”

And that’s exactly what he did. Without a single word to her, Jungkook forcibly removed himself from YN’s life. He ignored her in school, blocked her number, and never answered her when she rang his doorbell. No matter how much she tried to talk to him, Jungkook rbushed YN off like she was an annoying fly, never so much as giving her an explanation. 

It hurt. It hurt more than YN wanted to admit. She spent most nights her senior year crying herself to sleep, unaware that Jungkook’s newfound senses caused him to hear her pain. Her grades slipped, she lost weight, and that glimmering personality that she carried with her faded into nothingness.

It was like she was an entirely different person, the old her dead and gone right along with Jungkook’s friendship.

So when she graduated, YN wanted out. She refused to spend another moment thinking about Jungkook, glancing out her window into his with the feeble hope that his blinds would be open. She moved across the country, leaving her old persona behind her, lit with fire to become someone she would be proud to look into the mirror and see.

And she did. For once, YN was the flower, digging strong roots and blooming under the sunlight. The only thing she carried with her from her past was her fear of storms.

Right now, thunder booms loudly in her ears and she huddles under her sheets, trying her hardest to keep calm and breathe evenly. When a loud ring sounds through the air, YN startles, wondering what it is. When it comes again, she recognizes it as her doorbell.

Odd. She doesn’t usually get visitors this time of night. Still, YN goes to answer the door, bringing her blanket with her. It’s too dark for her to see out of the peephole, so YN unbolts the door and opens it fully. 

For a moment, everything is black. Then lightning zooms across the sky and illuminates a face she never thought she’d see again.

“Jungkook?” YN asks, breathless.

Thunder booms again and she shrieks, only to be swept up into once familiar arms and ushered back into her home, the door slamming shut behind them.

“I missed you so much,” Jungkook says, his voice muffled by YN’s hair as he hugs her tightly, “So so much.”

“What are you doing here?” YN asks, uncomfortable, “How do you know where I live?”

Jungkook ignores her questions and pulls away to look at her face, caressing it.

“I love you so much. I’m so glad that it’s finally time for us to be together.”

YN rips herself away from him, growing scared.

“What are you talking about? Why are you even here? I don’t want to see you,” she hisses out.

The venom is minimized by the way she jumps when thunder sounds again.

“You don’t mean that. I know i have a lot of explaining to do but -”

“No,” YN says, “I tried to talk to you every day for an entire year. You don’t get to pop back into my life like this. Get out, Jungkook. I don’t want to see you.”

For a moment, all is silent. Jungkook’s face falls in the dim light. He looks so different now, bigger and more filled out. Gone is any trace of the little boy she used to play with. 

“You’re going to see me,” he says, his voice completely devoid of any and all emotion, “I didn’t kill my moon bound for you to reject me, YN.”

A chill shoots down YN’s spine. She has no idea what he’s talking about, but she does know that he’s insane. YN grips her wet blanket close to her body, trying to figure out what to do. Maybe she can make a run for it?

Thunder booms again and YN shinks back, terrified. 

“Please don’t hurt me,” she says, tears beginning to fall down her cheeks.

“I’d never hurt you, YN,” Jungkook says adoringly, “Never ever. I don’t care what the mood goddess says. I’ve always known you were mine. Why worship her when I have you?” he says, pulling her close once more and nuzzling into her neck.

YN feels something wet and warm glide along her skin and she freezes, stiff as a statue.

“Now why don’t I run you a bath and we get caught up, okay? It’ll be like I never left,” he says, pulling away.

Lightning illuminates the room and YN can see the blood caked onto his fingers and his teeth, much too sharp and much too bright. Jungkook catches her staring and nods innocently, having the gall to look ashamed. 

“I should have cleaned up before I came, but I was so excited to see you! I’d kill anyone who tries to keep us apart. Now how about that bath?”

YN can do nothing but nod, looking at the boy she once loved and seeing nothing but a monster.

pairing: frankie ‘catfish’ morales x reader

warnings: angst (with a happy ending)

a/n: i couldn’t make it too angsty but i hope you like it!

“If you go, I won’t be here when you get back,” you said, finality tinting your words. Frankie froze and turned to you, looking at you and shaking his head slowly.

“What?” His voice cracked and he pulled his cap off angrily, running his hand through his hair. “Why are you doing this now?”

“I can’t…be here…stay here thinking about you over there in danger, maybe even dead. I can’t do it.” Now you shook your head, sitting down when you felt your legs giving out.

“So…that’s it? You’re just leaving me?”

“You’re leaving me, Frankie. I-I can’t just sit here…” You cried. That’s all you could do since he had told you about this. In all the years you had been with him, you hadn’t cried this much. Frankie hated when you cried. His arms were around you in a flash. You wanted to push him away, to scream at him, but this may very well be the last time he held you so you let him hold you.

“Please don’t go,” he pleaded quietly. “I need…I need a reason to stay alive. I need a happy thought to keep me going.”

“What am I supposed to do?” you asked, sobbing into his shirt. He didn’t have an answer. He couldn’t make you stay. You pulled away from him when he didn’t respond. “I’ll miss you.”

He hesitated before speaking again. “I’ll stay. I won’t go and…and we’ll be happy. Together.” But you shook your head.

“You already made your decision, Frankie. And I have to make mine.”

*

That felt like forever ago, but as the taxi brought him back home, he remembered it all—the tears, the way he felt when you said you wouldn’t be there—and it came back in full force.

And his deepest fears were realized when the taxi stopped in front of the house and your car wasn’t there. He didn’t even want to get out. He wanted to tell the driver to just keep going, but he was going to have to face this reality sooner or later.

He got out of the car and walked slowly up to the door, unlocking it and walking into the sound of silence. And, god, was it deafening. He dropped his bag where he stood and called out for you. Just making sure.

You were gone and he felt his whole world come crashing down. All the happy memories in the world could not cover up the pain he had felt in that moment. He moved slowly through the house, seeing ghosts of you, of the past. He heard your voice and your laugh.

The bedroom was the hardest for him. He sat on the bed and reached out to touch your pillow—or what used to be your pillow. He picked it up and held it, burying his face in it. Your scent was still strong and at least he had that left.

There was no note. Why would there be? You told him to his face that you wouldn’t be there when he got back. Damn him for a fool. Damn him.

His tears flowed freely, his face hidden by his hands as he sobbed and then he heard it—the front door opening. He heard someone singing then a confused “what the…” and…he knew that voice, he loved that voice.

He peeked out the bedroom slowly and was met with a sight that he would never take for granted again. He cried your name quietly and you looked at him. Say my name. Please, say it. I need to hear you say it, he thought.

“Frankie?” Just saying his name again was a relief. You walked to him slowly, just in case this was your mind playing tricks on you.

“Baby…”

“Frankie!” You dropped every bag you were holding and ran to him. “You’re real,” you cried, squeezing him. “It’s you…” Tears streamed down his cheeks as you touched his face which was now missing its scruff. You ran your thumb along the scar on his cheek then kissed it.

“You’re here? But I thought…”

“I couldn’t do it.” You shook your head as you cried. “I couldn’t. I can’t imagine my life without you. The past few days were hard enough. I don’t think I can handle a lifetime without you.” You couldn’t stop touching him.

“I'm sorry,” he said quietly.

“No. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said to you. I was angry and sad and-" He cut you off with a kiss, a kiss that said ‘I missed you so fucking much and thank god you’re still here’.

“I’ll never leave you again. I promise,” he whispered before kissing you again. You just held each other for awhile before he spoke again. “I should help you put the groceries away.” He kissed your forehead and walked around you to pick up the bags you had dropped. “We’re gonna need a new carton of eggs.”

“Okay,” you said quietly, watching him clean the mess and then start putting the other groceries away. You were stuck there, smiling. He said ‘we'…meaning you and him together. We. You had your Frankie back. When you could move again, you helped him put the stuff away, stopping to look at him every chance you got.

“What?” he asked, catching you staring again.

“I’m just happy you’re back.”

“And I’m happy you’re still here.” He walked over to where you were standing against the kitchen counter and caged you in with his arms. “Thank you for still being here.”

“Guess we’re stuck with each other.” You kissed the cut on his cheek then his nose.

“Guess we are.” He kissed you then smiled against your lips.

permanent taglist: @demigod-dragonrider-schoolidol​ @tiffdawg ​ @cryptkeepersoul​ @heresathreebee​ @jawabear​ @agirllovespasta​ @opheliaelysia @thisis-theway @huliabitch @sammiesweet @pedropasscals @katlikeme @marshmallow–3 @frietiemeloen​

Superfamily Fanwork Reveals!!

THE DAY IS FINALLY HERE!!! All twenty-six (26) gift works had been revealed earlier today! Dive right into the Ao3 collection (here) and hop on over to the Discord server to scream and cry and laugh along with everyone else!

Creator reveals will be next Wednesday, July 7th. Also check out the fanworks below the cut!

A Boyfriend for Dad for betheflame (T, 6k)

Peter wants the best for his dad and worries that he'll be alone when he goes off to college. He needs to find a boyfriend for his dad. The best candidate is Mr. Rogers, his Academic Decathlon coach, but Tony hates Mr. Rogers. Peter decides to try anyway.

A Father, a (Super)Hero. for Sprout (G, 2k)

It's Father's Day in the Stark-Rogers' household, and Tony's had to leave early in the morning for a work emergency. Steve and Peter decide to surprise him with some flowers and chocolates, but can anything be as simple as that for a family of superheroes?

A House That's a Home for Skeeter (G, 6k)

Steve and Tony go through the long process of becoming adoptive parents. It's a harder road, as far as they can see, full of bumps and potholes. It's all worth it when they meet baby Peter for the first time - who captures their hearts and refuses to release it, not that they'd want him to of course.

ace in the hole for Huntress79 (T, 10k)

Sheriff Steve Rogers falls for the new guy in town (and for the adorable boy he has with him), but when Tony's secret catches up with them, will his love be enough to save them all?

basic unit [FANART] for Perlmutt (M, art)

steve never imagined he'd have a family of his own until he met tony. first, it was just two of them, and then he knocked tony up and they had peter. when peter graduated high school, tony was in his labor month.

it was perfect.

bring him home for geekymoviemom (T, 17k)

During the clean up after the Battle of New York, Steve finds a little boy in the rubble of an orphanage. He finds out this little boy is almost as strong as he is, and he knows he can't let anyone get their hands on him. People would do crazy things for a mutant child. Steve vows to protect him so he can grow up as a child and not as a lab rat.

citrus and lavender for captainstars (T, 8k)

Tony wasn’t his. He had made it very clear that he didn’t need some alpha in his life to mess with everything he’d worked so hard to accomplish. Especially not Steve Rogers.

Dying Inside to Hold You [Art] for Infinitywrites (G, <1k)

It was his wedding day. Tony looked over the sea of people in front of him, at Steve by his side, and felt his heart clench. He wondered, for a split second, how he had even got to this moment.

Family Is... A Web of Love for crypticrose (T, 1k)

Following the sudden death of his Aunt May, Peter is, more or less, shell-shocked. Good thing he has Tony, Steve and the rest of the Avengers to catch him.

Finding home for Pookiethefrickinbunn (G, 4k)

Tony and Steve are in an established relationship or married. Peter has been Spider-man for a while, but his parents don't know/have their suspicions. I would love a confrontation scene between the Avengers and Spider-man and Peter ends up getting injured and the husbands find out who there son actually is. Tony and Steve would definitely feel guilty for what has happened to their kid, and maybe Peter would think his parents hate him. Some fluff at the end would be fantastic.

Forever and Ever for Neverever (G, 3k)

"Can I see it just one more time? Pretty please?" Peter hounds Steve, using the bigger man's knees as leverage so he could jump up and down.

"Okay, okay, one last time. But we need to be quick so your Dad doesn't see."

AKA: Steve, Tony, and Peter all go on a family vacation together, but Steve has a couple of tricks up his sleeve.

Head Full of Stubborn, Heart Full of Hope for ChocolateCapCookie (T, 2k)

In which Steve makes a decision for all the right reasons, but it still wasn't fully his to make, because parenting means discussions.

Heights in Depths, Depths in Heights for parkrstark (N/A, 5k)

"Suddenly everything that had happened prior came rushing back to him. Peter and him were going on a trip. A plane. The craft had jolted and made a loud noise before it began to lose altitude. The pilot had said something about engines failing, and because they were currently over the Rockies there was no safe place for them to land. Steve had buckled Peter up. The pilot told them to brace for impact. And then nothing." ---- Steve goes with his boyfriend's son on a trip across the country, just the two of them, to try and get some bonding time in. But this was not the kind of bonding he had in mind.

In my Favorite Dreams (I feel your heat) for wingheads (E, 6k)

Steve is on his morning run in DC when a ghost from his past comes back into his life. And he's not alone.

Just Desserts for JehBeeEh (G, 2k)

Tony grabs a midnight snack... Steve helps him finish it. There's one bite left before they read the note. They have have 45 minutes before Peter wakes up

Just the way you are for starkspangledsoldier (G, 4k)

'The view was beautiful but deafening. He could enjoy the sight in silence. But the silence was oppressive since it was not his choice. The silence did not help with the voices in his head, rather it made it worse.'

Let Your Haunted Dreams Go Tonight for UisceOneLove (T, 14k)

Tony Stark and Peter move to the suburbs to start a new life. On this journey Peter befriends resident hermit of the area, Steve Rogers. Little did the kid know it was gonna change his father's and own life upside down.

My Boys for Corsets_and_Cardigans (G, 10k)

Steve is assigned as the bodyguard to omega Tony Stark and his son. Through fluff and angst we watch as Peter subtly plays matchmaker and Steve does everything he can to keep his boys safe.

once upon a childhood for SilverDraconyx (G, 10k)

“Would it be okay to tell you a story, Pete? I hope it is. It’s the only thing I have planned for tonight. Just wake up if you want me to stop, okay?” Steve pauses, and the silence is unnerving but not unwelcome. No one stirs, especially not Peter, so Steve hums and Tony releases the breath he has been holding.

AKA

Steve, despite being a wanted vigilante, visits a comatose Peter in the Avengers Facility Medbay hoping to wake him up with stories about their past.

Six Letters for jacobby (T, 3k)

This was not at all what Steve had imagined when he’d dreamed of starting a family and being with Tony for the rest of his life, and as he drove the car up to the secluded cabin, he prayed inside that this trip could make it all better.

Sun Breaks Through the Sandcastle Walls for starksnack (G, 4k)

With the sun deciding to shine today, Tony ditched work and took Peter to the beach. What he wasn't expecting was to see his boyfriend there, too, and now his orbits were crashing together before he knew it.

The Heart of Heroes for Coffee_and_notebooks (T, 9k)

Peter has an internship at Stark Industries. It’s cool, except the most interesting thing he gets to do is be in the building. He figures that the internship is to gain good press by ‘helping poor orphans’.

That all changes, when he is sent to bring coffee to the Tony Stark!

As he spends time with Tony and Steve, they can’t help but come to love the teenage vigilante.

The Hundred Million Dollar Question for LenkaVittoriaElisse16 (G, 5k)

Maybe this was the hardest question that Tony and Steve ever had to answer. Their children's big puppy eyes surely didn't make it any easier. "Papa? Daddy? What's love?"

The Man Out of Time for sweetspiderstew (T, 17k)

For a moment, Steve is frozen, absolutely convinced that his eyes are playing tricks on him.

Because it can’t be right.  Wanda destroyed the Mind Stone, so how could Thanos have possibly gotten his hands on it?

But even besides that, there’s something else.  Something that Steve’s swirling mind and throbbing head can’t quite wrap around just yet.

He only knows that it’s wrong.

To Begin Again for IronDadStan (M, 11k)

Steve, a 35 y/o. Alpha meets Tony, a 21 y/o. Omega through an online art forum. Realizing that they lived in the same city, they decided to meet in person. And when they met in person, Steve gets instantly attracted to Tony. After all, Tony was handsome, intelligent, and has easy to be with. There was one problem though, Tony is a married omega.

You and I, we belong together for MCUKenna (G, 3k)

“What’s your name, kid?” He asked him.

“Peter. Do you…” The kid’s eyes darted around the room. “Do you not remember who I am?”

Memory loss. Tony hadn’t considered that one. It could be, he was still betting on an illusion, but (he quickly calculated the statistics in his head), it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. “Maybe. If this place is real.” He told the kid, Peter.

Can I request a childhood friends to lovers scenario with Sanha?? Thank you !! 💜

Friends to lovers/ Yoon Sanha

Genre: Fluff

It was 3rd grade when your best friend told you about the cute, nerdy boy she saw in her neighborhood, where both of you hang most of the time. She was so overwhelmed when she talked about him, and a precious smile appeared on her face every time his name came up.

“Y/n! Did you hear that Sanha is moving to our school next week?” She jumped at you the moment she entered the classroom, holding your shoulders to keep you steady. -“Oh! Really? I cant wait to meet your lover boy.” You tease her with a slight smirk and she blushes right away.

Time flew and you became best friends with Sanha, that bubbly-like-personality boy. You grew up together, he spent all his childhood at your place and you at his, growing taller with him until he became a tower and the one your heart desire.

Somewhere in the middle of the second semester in 11th grade you found yourself dreaming about him, every single night. Even on nights you couldn’t fall asleep, you used to think about him and it would calm you down and make you escape to dreamland. But in the mornings, it felt wrong, almost regretting your dreams you’re not responsible for.

School ends in a bit, and there’s the prom approaching too, which looks like the opportunity to confess your feeling to him, but those other feelings tell you otherwise.

“Y/n!” Sanha calls you from across the hallway, his tall figure can not be avoided and you close the locker when he approaches. -“Well, good morning to you, what’s up?” You ask and shove your hands to the pockets of your hoodie. He looks extremely happy this morning, not as he always feels this early.

“I finally got a suit for the prom, just like I used to tell you I want it to look like when we were kids, remember?” You smile at the excited boy, his lips are shaped perfectly for a wide smile as well. -“oh that’s great! I haven’t found a dress yet.” You pout and look down.

“You don’t need to worry, you’ll be pretty even if you’d wear a trash bag.” Your heart skips a beat at his words and you cough because you don’t want him to notice the blush spreading on your cheeks.

-“Shut up...” you playfully hit his chest, -“Uhm... so, are you gonna invite your date or what?” You were convinced he’s taking you to the prom, but only wanted to make sure you’re right and there’s no other girls in the line for him.

“I thought... we’re going together- I’m... am I wrong?” He stuttered, confused.

-“Exactly. See you later kid.” You heard what you wished to hear from him and kissed him on the cheek for a goodbye. “Call me when your class ends!” Sanha shouts to you as you disappear from his sight in excited jumps and throw a thumb in the air for approval.

As days went by and prom day got closer, you were more frustrated to find the perfect dress in your favorite color.

“How about this?” Sanha shows you a dress he finds cute and not more than this, for you, as you bring a huge bag of snack and sit on your bed. -“Are you kidding me? Do you not know me enough time?” You laugh and open a bag of chips, his favorite kind.

“Woah... y/n. This. You will look beautiful in this.” He opens his mouth in surprise, seems like he found the perfect one for you, while you only tried not to blush from his compliments.

-“oh shut up I’m sure it’s not even pret- oh my... I mean- it’s cute I guess...” you rub your neck nervously as he turns the phone to you, waiting for your reaction and you see the magical dress of your dreams you were looking for, but it was a bit exposing, not too much, but you usually don’t expose skin parts such as your lower neck-chest part near him, and you know you’re going to dance with him all night at prom.

“Cute huh? I’m buying you this...” Sanha teases and states, but you wouldn’t let him pay for this expensive, yet beautiful piece of clothing. -“Wh-no! You’re not.” You turn his shoulder for him to face you and he rolls on the bed and looks at you. “Says who?” He giggles, exposing his beautiful smile that never fails at erasing your serious face. -“Says me! Yoon sanha, you’re not buying this dress unless you don’t want me to come with you to the prom.” You found your manipulative way to stop him from adding the fairy dress to cart and he gives up. “Ok, fine. But it’s just because I want you to come with me, and I know that when you threat, you mean it.” He laughs but he’s right as well.

-“That’s right. Did it start yet?” You take the popcorn from the big plastic bag and open it as your other hand grabs the remote control, searching for the channel eunwoo’s drama is aired on.

Two days are left for the prom, and still you’ve been looking for a proper dress that doesn’t cost the same price as a kidney.

“Hello?” You answer the unfamiliar phone number from the unknown person who you couldn’t recognize by voice. -“Miss y/l/n?” He calls you by your last name, still no clue who calls people like that nowadays, and before you answer with something rude like ‘how did you get my number’, he says, -“I have a package for you, are you home now?” It sounds suspicious, so you run to the window where only you can see him through it, and realize it’s a delivery guy, still doesn’t look like someone you might know.

“I think it might be a mistake... I didn’t order anything.” You stutter in confusion. -“are you y/n who lives in (your address)?” He asks, looking for someone around. “Uhm... yeah...”

-“Then it’s not a mistake, I’m leaving it next to the front door, have a good day.”

You furrow your brows and watch him leave. When he’s completely out of your sight, you run to grab the big box, it’s not especially heavy.

Reaching your room, you throw it on your bed and rush to check the details, they’re all yours, except for the credit card number. That’s when you realize Sanha did pay for that dress, but having doubts, it’s been a while since you last talked about that dress, how come it only arrived now?

“AYO! I’m home!” Sanha shouts from downstairs, he’s like living at your place so he got used to calling it home. “Y/n, you’ll never believ-“ he gets closer to your bedroom.

-“Oh I’m gonna kill you YOON SANHA!” You throw a piece of paper at the big guy who just got home from school. “Holy- stop it!” You grab the pillow he use to sleep on with a picture of two of you printed on it, and about to throw it on him. “Oh you got the dress! Don’t you like it?!” He shouts back at you playfully. -“That’s the problem! I LOVE IT!” And with that last scream of yours, you both calm down and he approaches to give you a hug.

-“Why did you buy it?” Tears of joy and thankfulness fill up your eyes and stream down your cheeks when his shirt covers your face (if you’re tall, then you bury your face in his neck🙂👍🏻), your grip on the pillow releases and it meets the floor. Sanha caress your hair/back, not leaving your figure. “You know I couldn’t leave it there when I saw how your eyes sparkled looking at that dress, it’s perfect for you.”

-“What about my threats?” You lift your head to look at him, scanning his beautiful skin from closer. “You won’t miss the prom when you have a dress like this. We’ve been through a lot for me to not know you enough, y/n.”

It sounds like he was about to confess, little did you know you’re not feeling those strong heartbeats on your own.

On prom night it was the hardest. You couldn’t see Sanha for two days and had struggles falling asleep last night from being too excited. He only called once in those last days on face time to see you but nothing more, it was your decision because you wanted to make tonight special for both of you, and since you know each other, it’s not been more than one day without meeting.

My favorite boi: 7pm, bring yourself only😉

He sent you this text 5 hours ago, and you only replied with a short “k”, glancing at the same text from him every 10 minutes which makes your heart not beat in its regular beat, dancing with a different rhythm.

6:57pm, you look through the window to find his car in your sight, here it is, waiting for you. You only could see the light from his phone, and almost nothing else since it’s already dark outside.

My favorite boi: I’m here, call me when you’re ready😃

The moment he sent this text, you were already at your door, taking a last deep breath and walking out of your house.

“I’m also here.” You bend over to his car window and say quietly, scaring the hell out of him since he was focused on his phone. -“I- oh my god y/n you scared m...” Sanha’s phone finds itself on the car floor in seconds and you laugh at him, he rushes out of his car to approach you.

-“Wow...” his jaw is almost dropped staring at you with your new, fabulous dress he bought you. -“You look amazing.” He puts his hands in the pockets of his blue suit. “Oh stop, pick up your jaw and let’s go.” You tried to laugh the embarrassing situation off before you turn red and your makeup is ruined.

“You look amazing too though.” You shortly say as he opens the car door for you, trying to keep the straight face and not fall into a blushing mess.

You aren’t usually the type to dance insanely infront of everyone in parties, but when he asked your hand for a slow dance, your heart started jumping in a new beat, taking his hand while he walks you to center of the dance floor.

The lights are dark and there’s a romantic atmosphere. Suddenly you get lost in Sanha’s eyes and he get lost in yours, holding your left hand with his own, while his other is resting on your waist, gently, almost uncomfortably holding it.

“What? Do I look beautiful?” You roll your eyes when you can tell he’s about to compliment you.

-“You are.” He giggles and gulps at how fascinating you look with this dress, this close to him. “Ugh...” you sigh and roll your eyes again at him, try hiding your smile with biting your bottom lip. “It’s only because you can’t see me well, it’s dark here.” You brain is telling to stop distracting yourself and do what you planned to, confess. -“You’re always beautiful.” He says and makes you look at him again, staring into the flashlights in his sparkling eyes. -“Besides, I see you very well from here, and you’re all I can see.” He warms your heart more than he should do, and it feels like exploding soon.

“Sanha...” you say his name softly, feeling weak in your knees suddenly, but he holds you tighter as the song gets to its peak. Your arms wrap themselves instinctively around his neck and his around your waist.

-“I love you y/n.” The music is loud, your and his heartbeats are even louder, but his words are all you could hear. At this point you didn’t see anyone and nothing else but him. You say nothing but a shock attacks you and you only stare at him, not even blinking.

“You ruined my plans.” You joke to release the tension. -“huh?” He widens his eyes. “I wanted to tell you I love you, so I guess I just love you bac-“ you sound like it was normal talking about love with him, but inside, you were freaking out. He cuts you off before you finish talking with attaching his plumped lips against yours, kissing you softly while holding your neck.

You tighten the grip on his neck and pull him closer to deepen the kiss, as he smiles through the kiss and pulls away slowly.

-“It’s been years since I’ve fallen for you.”

“I’m so glad we feel the same. I love you Sanha.”

An Almost Perfect Life - 1/?

Summary: You are a young career woman at one of the bank in London and, at the same time, attending a PhD in Statistics. Your life was perfect until your apartment was invaded by two demons.

Pairing: Sebastian Michaelis x Fem!Reader x Claude Faustus

Chapter: Page 2

I. A tragic decision

The alarm clock above the nightstand rang with the usual deafening singsong, making a silent snort escape your lips.

You forgot to unplug it so you wouldn't let that thing hit your eardrums the night before. Yes, you used to do it, because your lack of practicality with that hellish affair...

Speaking of hell...

The curtains in your room began to creak, letting the light of day enter to illuminate the darkness in which you used to bask. You growled disturbed as your (Y/E) eyes closed on a tall figure, with a pair of glasses and the hardest facial expression of a marble statue.

You took the pillow with your right hand and turned on your side, allowing one side of it to cover your ears and eyes.

Even though you were well covered and hidden, you still warned that man to approach your alarm clock and click on its top to silence it. And a voice reached you anyway, as if it were speaking directly to your ear and this made your nerves jump.

"Miss, it's time to wake up. I made you the usual coffee and pancakes with slices of strawberry and raspberry, on a bed of maple syrup."

You hated it when they talked like they were fucking waiters in a five-star restaurant.

"It's Sunday, disappear!" you murmured, still covered by the pillow but certain that they had heard you the same.

The pillow was gently removed from your head and hands, but still with enough force to make you drop all the weight on the mattress.

You got up on your elbows, casting a look of pure hatred towards the demon with glasses who had put your soft protection of soft cloth under his arm.

"If I'm not mistaken, you had planned to go for a run this morning after yesterday's dinner."

You frowned, sitting with your back against the headboard of the bed and ran your fingers through the tangle that had become your hair during the night. You hoped that the makeup on the eyelashes had not poured all over your face but from the spots you saw on your pillow you shouldn't have been a good show.

"Don't throw programs in my face that I say just to make myself feel good, damn it ..."

You brought your hands to your eyes, to erase embarrassing traces, and at the same time something was resting on your knees hidden by the gray and heavy blankets because the terribly harsh weather of London.

You turned around just in time to observe a flash of red eyes very close to your person but before you could slap him away, he was already retreating to the base of your bed.

In front of you, on a table, the food seemed to give off a sweet aroma that asked to be bitten despite the thousand thousand calories that governed. You got watering but you took it down as if it were a hard pill to swallow. You wouldn't have given any satisfaction to those two.

You observed them, statues at the foot of the bed as if they were really waiting for your order or your comment. There, in their white shirts and black pants.

"You have no intention of leaving, huh?"

As an answer, only that usual cryptic and malicious smile came from both.

It all started four days earlier. It was a Wednesday like any other. You had your morning coffee, you dressed in the usual uniform with a black skirt and white shirt and you went to work. Your apartment was located in the center of Westminster, in the small district where about 40 families stayed but not more and about 400 meters away from the underground.

You had a car, of course, but you preferred to save money by taking an annual public transport pass and avoiding, at least during the week, the terrible traffic that filled the streets of London.

By divine grace, that day had decided not to rain and you cursed randomness for it.

At the end of your shift at the bank you worked for, you collected your things and said goodbye to all your colleagues. The bank was located in central London and wasn't very close to the tube station but still busy and viable enough to be reached.

Besides, it was also a beautiful day, until...

Many passersby seemed to stop in front of an alley but, after being vaguely interested, they passed on. Intrigued, you approached and the sound of flapping wings and a loud croaking came to your ears.

It seemed as if a bird was stirring. Maybe he must have got caught in something.

The alley was dark, so many left it alone and went their own way, but don't let that put you off. You loved all the animals except the flying insects, those you just couldn't stand them and thinking that maybe that bird could have stumbled into some trap made your heart tighten.

You took your cell phone from your pocket and turned on the torch, to allow you to better see in the darkness and there, a few steps away from you, a black crow was flapping its wings furiously.

You didn't see anything blocking him or forcing him to the ground but he seemed irritated by something.

"Hey, shh, shh-" you tried to murmur, trying to get him back to the ground but suddenly, as if the light had momentarily blinded him, with a strong blow something hit the crow and they both ended up against the wall sliding on the ground.

With a lump in your throat, you advanced quickly to that point and pointed the flashlight at the two animals on the ground.

The crow had bruised wings with rivulets of blood that wet the ground and what appeared to be a bat even had one of the wings pierced.

"What am I doing now?" you wondered, going back around you. You couldn't run out into the street and yell at someone to rescue beasts, but you couldn't even abandon them there. You were sure that some wild cats would eat them at the first opportunity.

You pointed the flashlight away from there and near a garbage bin you found an abandoned cardboard. It was dirty and even slightly wet on the sides but it would have been better than putting the two blood-filled creatures directly on your shirt. Then, you weren't sure they didn't bring disease.

You grabbed it and went back to where they were slumped and, with the help of a handkerchief, placed them inside the cardboard. Your phone indicated that it was 6 pm and if you had not hurried your area would have been packed with neighbors returning from work. Seeing you come in with two potentially sick animals would not have been an easy topic to avoid.

The journey home was quiet, London had seen oddities far more gradual than a woman carrying a dirty box.

When the bat woke up he began to scratch the crow that croaked in response and with a nervous tic you shouts to stop. In addition to receiving disturbed looks from the passengers, what surprised you was that the two had started to stare at you and at the same time stopped poking themselves.

You entered your apartment in the most discreet way possible, avoiding to greet someone and placed the box on the ground near the entrance door.

The two creatures watched your movements and suddenly that pair of yellow and red eyes started to upset you a lot.

You went back to them with two pieces of cloth you had made from an old hole in the sheet and you started to treat the crow first.

You passed a piece of wet paper on its wings but as soon as it came into contact with a wound, it croaked. You were about to drop it for fear that it would prick you with its beak but didn't venture anything like that.

You came to the conclusion that his wing was broken and that you couldn't do much without being practical. You cleaned it with the greatest possible care and together with the cloth, you placed it gently in an empty shoe box, then you returned to the bat.

That seemed like waiting for you, resting with your front and back legs as he stared at you.

You lifted him by his hairy chest, but beyond one of his clawless legs and pierced wings, all you could do was put him in a small box surrounded by cloth.

In the end, you decided that you would take the animals to the vet before going to work and they would take care of the situation.

Or so you thought ...

When you woke up the next morning, you felt that something was wrong. More a feeling than a real conscience.

You got out of bed, carefully, intending to check the two creatures that you had placed in the bathroom but when you arrived at the door that was already open.

You entered and in the makeshift kennels there was no trace of anything but the blood that had been left there.

As you closed the boxes, hoping that the animals had come out of the window and that they had not wandered around the house, the unmistakable sound of the gas being solicited was heard in the kitchen.

The blood froze in your veins.

Your ex-boyfriend no longer had the keys to your apartment and your parents would have warned of a possible surprise visit.You left the bathroom and grabbed the collectible dagger that your ex had left at your house on the shelf in the hallway.

You knew that one day, a weapon at hand would be useful.

The house keys were exactly where you left them the day before, hung on the wall in front of the small mirror above the shelf and swallowed loudly when you arrived in front of the door that separated the corridor from the kitchen.

Now the sound of cutlery and a pot on the fire was unmistakable.

What should you have done? Calling the police seemed the obvious choice, but when you turned to grab the charging cell phone in the same place where the dagger was lying, you only found the cable. The cell phone was gone.

You held the weapon tightly in your hands. You had possessions at home, possessions you cared about a lot and you didn't want them to be taken away but you had no other choice. Maybe if you started screaming down the corridor that a thief had entered your house someone would have rushed, even if only to put him on the run.

You took one last look at the kitchen and advanced towards the exit but when you tried to open the door you found it locked, you never locked it.

You raised a hand to grab the keys but took the void.

Confused you turned your gaze to where they were supposed to be but you found nothing in their place.

You opened your lips but immediately covered your mouth with your free hand to avoid that no sudden sound came out. You were sure you saw them there moments before.

"Are you looking for these?"

You turned suddenly and there, a few centimeters from you, a man was waving the keys of your door in the palm of his hand, a sharp smile on his fine lips.

You pushed yourself against the door, trying to put as much distance as possible between you and the stranger and you raised the knife in front of your stomach as if to protect yourself.

His abnormally red eyes seemed to pierce you from side to side.

"W-What do you want from me? I have no money in the house, I swear! " squeaked, letting your anxiety pour over your hands causing the knife to vibrate.

The man looked down at the weapon and raised an eyebrow.

"But take a look, the kitten has claws." He raised his hand to try to grab you but before you knew it you pushed the knife against it, trying to stop his advance but he stopped the blade as if it were made of rubber. He squeezed it tight and pulled it from your hands with little difficulty making you almost collide with his chest.

Caught off guard by your advancement, you managed to escape from under his arms and ran to your room desperately looking for something that could protect you or contact someone.

"Now, now, don't you think the best solution is to play after a good breakfast?"

The man in the corridor was right in front of the door of your room, watching you as a cat observes a trapped mouse.

Not panicking, you felt the cold breeze of the London air go through the pile of your pajamas. You had the window open, it would have been enough for you to come closer and scream and someone would surely have arrived...

But just as you took a step, your back collided with what was definitely a body.

You had checked the room, there was nobody there, there could be absolutely no one! And the man with the mocking grin was right in front of you!

You turned your head just to look at a serious, square face with a pair of glasses that covered bloody yellow eyes.

Thieves and even madmen. How many of them were still in there?

You tried to escape from the newcomer, turning around to reach the window but before you could scream the man grabbed you by the arm and forced you against him placing a hand in front of your mouth.

You clawed his arm, trying to hurt him as much as possible but that didn't seem to move in the least. Just as if you were a stupid butterfly in a spider's web.

Tears came to your eyes and you didn't bother letting them run down your cheeks and on the hand of your kidnapper.

Distracted and desperate, you couldn't even notice that the red-eyed accomplice had bent over you and raised the blade right in front of his lips.

"You used so much discretion when you let us in, Miss, let's keep it, okay?"

-----------------------------------------------------

Yeah, I know.I still don't know how to use verbs properly but try to understand, I'm an Italian girl who still has some difficulty with English.

Let's say that by writing this story, I keep myself trained.

Please let me know what you think because I am going to continue it for an audience, not just myself.

Bye for now ;)

CHAPTER 2 - The Fight

Note: I have started to write this fic back in the summer when I had no idea when the OHSY would be back and it's set after chapter 9, but the storyline is totally different from what Pixelberry gave us (finally). Also, English is my second language, so please forgive me my mistakes

"She is probably dead."

Ethan felt his vision going black once again, the emergency room blurry. He felt like being thrown into the water, all the voices and sounds of the hospital distant, with no ability to catch his breath. Everything was black and swirling around, his mouth dry. He felt like he was screaming but no voice left his mouth. Everything was shaking and all those sounds, they were distant and so loud at the same time. No, that could not be true. Of course not, she promised to come tomorrow. She wouldn't just die. Not Chiara. Not his Rookie.

"...Dr. Ramsey?"

Aveiro's voice was suddenly clear, as if it was his hand pulling him from the watter.

"Dr. Ramsey, are you okay?"

"What were you saying, Dr. Varma?" Ethan heard those words leaving his mouth without ever realizing that he wanted to say them. "Surely there must be mistake. There's no way Dr. Ray would die. We are obviously not talking about the same person."

He started to realize how he sounded, that he was making a fool out of himself, but he couldn't care less.

"Ethan, I am sorry..." It was Ines' voice, soft and gentle. But he didn't want to hear that, he didn't want anyone to be gentle with him, because Chiara wasn't dead and there was no need to be gentle.

"I said there was mistake!" His voice was rising naturally. "Terrible mistake. It must be because no way in hell would Chiara Ray get herself killed in a fucking car crash. You are mistaken, Dr. Varma, I know you are."

His words were full of anger and disbilief and mostly denial. He was shaking everywhere and found his fists clenched together, trying his hardest not to punch anything.

"Ethan, stop. Breathe." It was Zaid Mirani who said those serious, but steady words and placed his hand on Ethan's shoulder. "You need to breathe."

Ethan closed his eyes and tried to steady his shaking voice and ragged breaths. After a while he calmed himself enough to ask quietly: "What happened? And where is she now?"

Rafael, who was just handing tissues to Sienna, turned to him and started to explain: "Well, the show was over and it was getting late, so we decided to go back home. Chiara and I weren't drinking through the night. She said something about this senator patient and that she needs to be in the hospital next morning, so she decided not to drink and offered to drive back home, even though the car is Sienna's. The girls got along with Keiki..."

"Who is this Keiki girl?" Dr. Mirani interrupted, "I am waiting for her CT scan results and I don't know who to approach about her."

"She is Dr. Lahela's sister. He will get to you as soon as he can, I am sure. Well as I said, Keiki got along with girls during the night, so she decided to go back home with them. We were in the car right behind them and I noticed the car on the opposite side of road acting, like, really weird and just as I was saying to Bryce that the driver must be asleep or something, the opposite car crashed straight to Sienna's car. It was matter of seconds and really Chiara couldn't do anything at that point. We got out of the car immediately and rushed to the scene, Elijah calling 911. I helped Sienna out of the car and then joined Bryce who was already trying to get Chiara out but..." he gulped and took few deep breaths to steady his voice. "The front of the car was so destroyed, so demolished that we could hardly see her. There was nothing we could do until the firefighters came with the special equipment and scrissored the car to get her out. She... she wasn't breathing when they pulled her out, so they kept resuscitating her, even defibrilating as they got into the ambulance. Bryce went with them, already calling Dr. Emery and all the other surgeons he could reach, getting everything ready for surgery. About 9 doctors already waited in the O.R. when the ambulance arrived, Bryce joining the surgery. That's all we know. They are all in the O.R. in the moment. There's nothing more that we know."

Not a single sound interrupted the heavy silnce that fell on the group the moment Rafael Aveiro finished his speech. Nothing that would break the bloodcurdling truth that was revealed. Sienna stopped crying loudly, the tears now slowly streaming down her face. Jackie appearing as a statue now, not moving even an inch, staring at that one point. Rafael's eyes were closed, deep wrinkle decorating his forehead, obvious sign of his enormous fear. Ines and Zaid kept staring at each other, their expressions shocked and scared. Ethan couldn't just sit there and observe them, couldn't keep analyzing their expressions. He needed to do something, as long as there was hope that she would live, he needed to do everything he could to keep her alive. He stoop up and without any word left the emergency room, his steps carrying him swiftly right to the O.R. He heard someone call his name, but he didn't turn to see who it was, he didn't want to hear that he can't do that, he just needed to see her, to stand next to her, to save her life.

"Just stop, Ethan."

The voice was suddenly very loud and clear, and together with strong hand catching his wrist, there was no hope for him to continue down the corridor, even though he was so, so close. So close to her. He turned around to find Naveen staring at him, his expression soft and understanding, yet his stare determined not to let Ethan get into discussion about this.

"I know where you are headed and trust me, my boy, I understand. But you can't be there. All of the best surgeons are already inside, Harper is leading this surgery herself. Chiara is in the best hands and your presence won't help anyone. Not you, not Harper and not Chiara."

"Have you been there? To the O.R.? That's how you know who leads the surgery and which surgeons are trying to save her life while I just stand here?"

"Yes, Ethan, I've been there. You know very well, maybe too well, that I like Dr. Ray very much and that I care for her. But I care for you too, like a father cares for his son and I cannot let you go there. The surgery will last at least next few hours and every single doctor there needs to focus on her and only on her. Trust me, those people won't give up on her."

Ethan felt defeated. He found himself stumbling through the waiting room and falling into nearest chair. Once again his whole body was trembling, his breath feeling unnatural, as if breathing this easily while Chiara can't was something forbidden to him. Naveen sat next to him and silently watched the man, the boy, he loved with all his heart to suffer, to fight his own urgent need to go and save the life, because how could he not? His whole life is about saving others, it's his path, his destiny. And yet when it comes to people he loves, Ethan's ability to save them seems to disappear.

"What if she gives up on herself?" Ethan broke the silence with voice barely louder than whisper.

"What do you mean?"

"You said that the surgeons will not give up on her. But what if she gives up on herself?"

"Unfortunately, this is only and utterly up to her. It's her fight and if she decides that it's not fight worth fighting anymore, all we can do is to respect her decision. After all, that's what our job is about in the end, isn't it, Dr. Ramsey? Respecting our patient's decisions." After a while of silence, Dr. Banerji sighed and stoop up. "I need to check those other kids now."

Ethan didn't leave the chair for next few hours. He could see the door of the O.R. just well from where he was sitting and that way he could hypnotize them the whole time, imagining what's happening inside, his head full of images that scared him to death. The morning sun was slowly getting its way back to the city, colouring the sky with all those warm colours of purple and pink. For a minute, maybe two, the sky behind the window was the exact colour as Chiara's hair, auburn orange radiating so brightly the whole waiting room was glowing. He allowed himself to stop watching the door for those precious seconds, instead staring at the sky, recalling all the times her hair glowed like that. Under the artifical light in the diagnostician office when they were working deep into the night. On the summer day when they sat in his favourite coffee shop and the sun reflected its rays on her hair. Under the starry skies of Miami, when they shared their first kiss, the one that made him realize that he was far too lost in her for them to maintain strictly professional relationship. When he watched her sleeping peacefully after their first night spent together, those hair spread around her head on his white pillow sheets. He gulped at the memory and just like that, the sky changed its colours and pushed him back to the reality where Chiara wasn't sleeping in his bed, where she was fighting for her life instead.

The hospital was getting fuller and fuller with every passed minute, patients waiting for their test results and scans, doctors doing their morning rounds, nurses wheeling patients to their rooms. None of it mattered to Ethan this morning. He didn't move from his chair and he wasn't planning to until the door of the O.R. would open and he could see Chiara. He didn't talk to people. He didn't answer when fellow doctors greeted him, rather surprised to see him sitting in the waiting room all alone, without any obvious reason.

"Here, have some coffee." It was Naveen, handing him a steamy cup of much needed liquor. "And you are having three days off. No discussion."

Ethan wanted to discuss, wanted to fight with Naveen, tell him that there's no need for him to be off the work, that he can separate everything from work, that he needs to help someone, anyone. But deep down he knew that it would all be lies, that he couldn't separate Chiara from anything he was doing anymore and that Naveen was right to put him off. So he simply nodded and continued to stare at the door, those stupid door that gifted him no hints of what was happening behind them.

After three more hours he felt like the pattern of the chair was imprinted on his skin forever. He was sure he couldn't stand any more waiting. He tried so hard to distract himself remembering all the happy laughs and conversations that happened between them, only to feel invisible fist clenching his heart every time he realized he might never hear that laugh again. He wondered where her friends were, but then it occured to him that part of them were patients now instead of doctors and probably waited for some news in their rooms.

The door finally opened. Ethan jumped on his feet, ignoring the blurry vision that came with such sudden movement and had to stop himself from running straight into the O.R. The surgeons left the room in couples hardly sparing him a glance as he passed them. Finally, he noticed Harper Emery walking next to Bryce Lahela, both of them looking beyond exhausted.

"I gotta go check on my sister," Ethan heard Lahela say as he jogged away, his expression unusually serious.

"Harper wait!" he called and with four big steps closed the distance between him and Dr. Emery, getting closer to getting answers at last.

"Ethan," she looked at him, her tired eyes showing signs of sympathy towards her former lover.

"Where is she? How is she?" he asked, needing to get straight to the point.

"She's being transported to the I.C.U. at the moment. She is alive. For now."

"What do you mean for now?" Once again, he refused to accept what she was saying, denying the scenario forming in his head.

"I will be honest with you, Ethan, because I respect you as a doctor and as a friend. And because I know you care about Dr. Ray. It's miracle she still lives. The injuries were - are - tremendous. Her spine is broken on three places, she got here with massive internal bleeding. At the moment, her lungs are not working at all, her brain is swollen. Her spleen was torn. You are a doctor, I don't need to explain all of those to you I guess. We did all we could, but sometimes all we can is not enough. It's her fight now, Ethan and I need you to keep that in mind. Right now, there is nothing more that we could do. But with all honesty, her chances of surviving this are extremely low. And even if by another miracle she survives, the consequences could be unbearable. For someone like her, even worse than being dead."

"What are you saying?"

"You know very well what I am saying, Ethan. Complete paralysis. Loss of memory. Loss of ability to walk or to talk. Blindness. The list is long and you know it. You are one of the best, I feel stupid explaining this to you. I am really sorry Ethan, I know you care about her. She seems to be a fighter, but you won't be getting false hopes from me. Next thirty hours will be crucial."

"Can I see her? Can I stay with her?"

Dr. Emery looked at Ethan with emapthy in her eyes as she spoke.

"You know you shouldn't. No one's allowed to be there."

"No family member. No friend. But she needs a doctor checking on her and I am one of the best. Please Harper. You know I don't beg, of all the people you know that I am a proud man. Please just let me stay with her."

Harper let out long, quiet sigh as she nodded. "Okay, I'll let the nurses know. But remember Ethan, there is nothing you can do to help her now."

Something Different {BBC Dracula x Reader} [14]

Masterlist

A/N: I just wanted to say another quick thank you to everyone reading along. You guys have honeslty made my week so mych easier and to say that I’ve been waking up early (something my lazy ass never does) just to read all of your comments because I get that excited is just crazy. I love you guys so very much, enjoy the chapter!

~^*^~

You froze up. Your mother was looking right at you, asking once more quietly if you wanted a little more milk in your tea. You couldn’t really hear her properly. There was a rush of blood to your ears and your head began to swirl. The phone that you had been holding up to your ear clattered to the ground. Never in your life had such a heavy guilt consumed you and never had such a strong feeling overcome you so quickly.

The words just spoke to you echoed in your ears.

‘She’s gone...’ his voice had been a broken whisper. It was hoarse and accusingly wrapping around your head.

You had done this. This was your doing.

Lucy Westenra’s death was on you.

“[First]? Are you alright?” Your mother bent before you, plucking up the phone. She inspected it. Luckily, no harm. She noticed that the phone call was still on and placed the phone to her ear, “good morning, Jack, she’ll have to call you back.” She explained softly and hung up.

Your mouth opened and shut once more. Speechless. Utterly speechless.

And without thinking about anything else, you turned and ran. You ran as hard as your feet would carry you, not worrying about your unbrushed hair, or your bare face with tears streaming. Your mother called your name but you flew out of the house without another care. All you cared about was where you needed to go, and that meant sprinting as fast and as much as your body would physically allow.

You forced your way past people, earning some cusses and angry stares. You didn’t care. When you burst through the doors of the place of solace, you finally slowed down, doubling over and resting your hands on your knees. Your body shook with sobs. A pain rippled throughout you.

You rose, standing again and wiped your tears roughly with your sleeve. Then, you made your way through the next door.

This time, she looked even worse. You wondered if she had been sleeping at all. Her eyes opened slowly and she tried her hardest to smile. It fell immediately when she took in your state. You staggered towards her in your guilt and your grief. You slumped down into the chair beside her, beginning to sob once more.

“[First]?” She croaked.

“It was me...” you whispered through choked sobs, “I killed Lucy...”

“She... finally succumbed to him...?”

“I... I killed her...”

“What... happened...?” Her voice was so much slower and so much weaker.

“I sent him to her... in exchange for my life... I sent Dracula to kill her... Jack will never forgive me...”

“...[First]...” she began slowly, “Dracula... would have found her even if... you didn’t lead him there...”

Her words were of no consolation to you. Lucy was dead and it was your fault. You had lead Dracula to her so that you could live for just a few more months. Now that he didn’t have her to feed on, you knew it was your turn. You had prolonged your life by only a few months.

“Jack will never forgive me for this.” You sighed through your tears. How, just how would you be able to look at him again, knowing full well that you had caused the death of his most beloved person?

“He will... he’ll have to...” Zoe spoke.

“Can you believe I was that stupid?”

“Yes...” she deadpanned, and then weakly laughed before she began to cough, “but Dracula... fooled us all...”

“Zoe, what do I do...? He’ll find me again...” you had managed to compose yourself a little.

“Flee. You’ll just keep moving... and pray you don’t end up in the same place. Take Jack,” she pushed herself up so that she was sitting a little higher up, “you are the only ones who will know the danger...”

“Yeah, I’ve just killed his best friend, he’s definitely going to want to tag along in my race around the world for the rest of our lives to not get killed by a vampire.” You retorted, sarcasm dripping from your tongue.

“If anyone can, it’s you two... my best students.”

She extended her hand a little. You looked at it. You took it into your own. It was so cold. Not in the same way Dracula was cold. No, this was a tragic coolness. A deathly chill cursing her once floushied body. You hung onto her. She looked half-dead already. Her face had sunken in a little and her hair had thinned considerably. Her wrists had lost their plumpness and her fingers were bony.

This was what cancer did to the body. It plagued it. The strongest of them wouldn’t stand a chance.

“You truly were the best...” she smiled, closing her eyes.

“I do love you, Zoe.” You whispered.

“I know.”

~^*^~

The pew that you stood in was quite far back. Jack was in front of you by a few rows. He hadn’t looked at you once. You eyed the other people. Lots of friends, even more family members. Opposite you, on the left and just a row in front was a man you didn’t recognise. There was a green duffle bag on the ground beside him with a tag. He must be leaving after the service. That would make him Quincey, Lucy’s fiancé.

The service continued and at the front, Lucy’s mother, held back by her sister, sobbed uncontrollably. As the casket lowered down, you could hear her wailing “no” over and over. It broke your heart and the guilt washed over you once more. It was like there was a tiny voice in your head repeatedly screaming “you did this”.

Your selfishness, your desperation to survive had lead to this.

The church began to filter out, starting from the front and working it way backwards. Jack strode past you. His eyes were bloodshot and he had been biting his lip. He didn’t acknowledge you. Quincey wasn’t too far after. He was hard faced and clearly wasn’t as upset as Jack. Dear god, Lucy really had let him get away and she hadn’t even realised it.

Finally, your legs carried you out and you looked around. Jack was standing a few metres away, looking out towards the many graves. He hadn’t spoken to you in over two weeks and it was killing you. You had tried to get into contact with him, and when he had been to visit Zoe, she had demanded that he talk to you. She told you she had used the words “dying wish” to try and convince him, however he saw through her bluff and wasn’t planning on talking to you anytime soon. You sucked in another breath. You needed to talk to him. He was the only other person bar Zoe and Dracula who knew what had truly happened to Lucy. He needed your support as he grieved.

Your shoes clicked as you neared him and you tapped him on the shoulder. He turned away from you as soon as he realised who was trying to grab his attention. You sighed.

“Jack,” you whispered, “please talk to me.” He continued to look away.

“I have nothing to say to you.” He snapped and then sniffled a little. Ouch.

“Please, we need to talk about this. I’m the only other person who knows-“ you cut yourself off, not wanting to make a scene in exploiting your intimate knowledge on her death.

In your bag, your phone was buzzing erratically. You had no intention of picking up, as it had been for two weeks. Luckily, you had not disclosed your whereabouts and so for now, connection was cut.

Jack finally turned to you.

“Fine, let’s talk.” A tear was running down his cheek as his nostrils flared.

He grasped your wrist and began to tug you away from the crowd of people that had collected outside. Further and further, he lead you through the made of graves, coming to stop under an oranged tree whos leaves were delicately slipping away one by one. He let go of you, crossing his arms before sighing deeply.

“Jack,” you whispered, “I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am...”

“She’s gone, [First]. She’s gone and it’s because of you. Because of that monster. Apologies won’t bring her back.”

“I know...” you blinked back your own tears.

“Did you truly hate her that much?”

Did you? Hate Lucy? God, yes. Anyone who knew your history with her knew that you had a justifiable hate towards her. But hate her enough to send her to her doom? You didn’t think so. Maybe leading Dracula to her was a rash decision, in your exhaustion just to save your own neck. Offering up the girl whom you had once loved so dearly as a simple happy meal for a true monster.

No, you didn’t. That was the short answer. Though, it was easy to assess that you did, however untrue it was.

“No, I didn’t hate her that much.” You confessed, “I... don’t really know why I did it... how could I have wished something like that upon her?”

“You tell me. You did it.” He challenged, sneering slightly.

“Trust me, I will carry my guilt with me for the rest of my life. Forever. And it will always hurt me. So please, please don’t cut me out again. I don’t know how long Zoe has and- and-...” the flurry of emotions watered your eyes heavily and you became unable to handle your tears, “you’re the only person who knows what Dracula is... you’re the only person who understands. I’m scared, Jack. It’s going to be me next.”

“[First],” he sighed. He knew that Lucy’s death could have been avoided had she denied Dracula her attention. Deep down, he knew that you had sent him on a whim to protect yourself. Of course he knew that you would never intend to harm somebody like that. But he needed to take his anger out on someone or else the cracking of his heart might hurt too much, “it won’t be you next.” He pulled you into him. It felt nice to have some physical comfort after locking himself away for two weeks.

Your phone began to buzz once again in your bag. You continued to ignore it.

“Are you going to answer that?”

“No...”

“It kept ringing all through the service. Who is it?”

You didn’t answer and almost immediately, he knew. He pulled away from you and before you had any time to protest, he had torn open your bag and took your phone. He answered.

“Ah, finally, you answer. I knew my persistence would win you over-“ Dracula’s smug voice rang through Jack’s ear and the urge to throw your phone as far and as hard as he could washed over him. Had it been his own phone, he would have obliterated it.

“It hasn’t.” Jack cut him off firmly.

“Oh, my, this is a surprise. Hello Mr. Seward. May I inquire as to why you have [First]’s phone?”

“Yeah, you can,” you watched Jack’s face twist in anger, “to tell you to fuck off. Oh, and don’t call her again. She won’t answer.”

Your mouth dropped. You gawked at Jack as he neatly replaced your phone back in your bag. Had he seriously just told the most dangerous creature to ‘fuck off’? You were in disbelief. And in that disbelief, in the entanglement of all of your emotions, you began to laugh. Hard.

“You didn’t seriously just-“ you doubled over and you could hear Jack begin to laugh along with you.

“That felt good.” He breathed through his laughs.

“Well, at least you took it out on someone.”

“Yeah, I suppose...” he looked at you. It had been way too long since he had spent some real time with you to just destress, “should we go get a drink?”

~^*^~

Jack awoke with a start. His room was illuminated and it took him a moment to register that it was his phone dining that had brought him from his sleep. He answered. It was Zoe.

“I’m checking myself out.”

The next hour went by like a blur. He needed to pick Zoe up from the hospital, which meant having to argue with two nurses who insisted on her staying. After literally screaming in one of their faces that he was taking Zoe, they were speeding off. She gave him directions, with a quiet and hoarse voice. She was clearly slipping away.

“Should I call [First]?” He asked, looking at her momentarily.

“...no... she shouldn’t come... because... well... she shouldn’t.”

The feeling that settled in his gut was bad. Really, really bad. Something was seriously wrong, but he knew not to press. Zoe would only give him an answer when she was ready. Until then, he’d just have to stay in the unknown.

On the other side of London, in a terraced house, keeping the living room lit was you. You had awoken early with a strange feeling in your stomach and had decided to come downstairs. Old American comedies were on reruns and you quietly laughed along at the jokes. Oh, if only you knew.

Dracula pulled open the door, and looked at the two.

“You don’t look very surprised.” He smirked at her remark.

“You don’t look very dead.”

“I’m getting there.” He nodded, and looked at the male standing behind her. Jack glared at him, and Dracula’s smirk fell from his face.

So, this was it.

He pushed the door more open to let them in and Zoe began to remark about how easy it was for them to find him. Dracula moved towards his chair and sunk down, not really paying her any mind. He pulled out his phone, tapping a string of words before slipping it back into his jacket pocket. Well, the quicker it was over, the better.

Your phone buzzed and you sighed. Reaching over, you grasped the cool device and your eyes adjusted to the brightness of the screen.

[DraccyBoi: I love you]

~^taglist^~

@vampiregirl1797 @avalanet @bunnyreese12 @nerdonpluto @teamceleries @grifffins @hitbythunder @winterseoul @mymagicsuitcase @angeli-fucking-cat @benedictethegoddess @bloodhon3yx @nifflersravenclaw @writteninthestars288 @labelladrama @frankcastlesgrunts @angelicdestieldemon @quakerlasss @aliisa-jones @wolverinexmenn @clairedragonessbaker @cryiner @mitsukatsu @piratewhore @your-pixels-are-showing @tardisnesss @ladydovahkiin180 @catwomom @god-of-dramatic-death-scenes @th3rah @viper-queen @mephdcosplay @greghouse7 @faeprinces @kokoro-no-yami @trishaferdream @therealmoni @crazytxgradstudent @sansthelonelypunster @crowley-needs-a-hug @girlonfireice @wasntpriscilla @ivanna6026 @greeniemoon @blueinkblot @tefymorgan @misfitgirlwrites @lokiphan @newheart97 @middlespellman @bratty-sweetheart @dipsylou @lilmou5ie @the-fangirl-life10 @enchantersnight @imthedoctorlove @haleyea @hoefordarkness @divinemoonsters @dragosdaughter @certthekilljoy

Started from the Bottom Now We’re... A Little Bit Above the Bottom

Note to Readers: I wrote this on Sunday morning at 5:30a.m.  It captures one of the lowest moments I have felt throughout this whole experience and though I am feeling much better right now, and very much so looking forward to my surgery on Tuesday, I think it’s important, when being open about this whole thing, to capture this snapshot of emotion.  I will warn you ahead of time that this is not a “fun” read. But it is honest. And I truly believe the sentiment at the end- this was very close to rock bottom for me, so I’m looking forward to the journey back up, beginning with my surgery in 5 days. 

*******

A couple of weeks ago, I reached a milestone I never thought would happen.  I finished chemo.  This milestone felt triumphant.  It felt miraculous.  I had successfully leaped this giant hurdle, with more ease than I ever expected.  Lucky was the word I kept using.  Lucky I had never gotten sick.  Lucky neuropathy had never taken hold.  Lucky my lifted fingernails had never fallen off.  Lucky my hair was starting to grow back.  Lucky that while still terrible, chemo had been so much easier for me than I knew it was for most. 

I rode this high into a wonderful celebratory night with some close friends.  What was meant to be a large BBQ outside was hindered by a rainstorm, relegated to the indoors, and made much smaller, and yet, I was still deliriously happy. I held onto that delirium from one thing to the next- a laughter filled game night at my parents' new home, a lovely, relaxing few days with my partner’s family, to a productive, incredibly normal feeling day back in the office.  

As I prepared to continue riding that high into my long awaited “girls weekend” with some friends who had all banded together to come in from out of town, I received a call.  It was the plastic surgery department calling to confirm my surgery date for June 22- a date that was three weeks earlier than the date I had in my calendar and that I had spent the last two months making plans around. I was confused, annoyed, and a little scared.  What had happened, I wondered?  I contacted my social worker via email to ask her, nicely of course, what the ever-loving f*** was happening.  She told me she would get to the bottom of it immediately.  I did my best to enter into my girls weekend undeterred from having the most fun ever, as was planned.  

The next day, I received a call from my surgeon who walked me through why the date had changed, and the pros and cons to changing the date.  I won’t get into the details but the most important point is, she said it was ultimately my decision on which date to keep, but from a cancer care perspective the earlier date was optimal.  This is not to say the later date would have been dangerous, just not-optimal, whatever that means.  I asked if I could have the weekend to think about it and she said of course.  I called my partner to discuss, and my mother.  I made a little pro/con list in my phone that I would let ruminate for the weekend.  And then I did my best, mostly successfully, to put this all in the back of my mind until Monday so I could enjoy my girls weekend as planned.  

Ultimately, after what ended up being a wonderful, mostly cancer-thought-free weekend, with the help of my family, partner, social worker, and little pro/con list, I decided to move my surgery date up to the earlier date.  After all, my number one goal here is to be cancer-free.  Why would I not do everything I could to best ensure that result.  Somewhat begrudgingly, but confidently, I altered all my plans.  I informed work of my new surgery date which they wholeheartedly accepted and supported.  I cancelled my “staycation” and other various plans I had made to enjoy my last free weekends before my procedure.  I went through the process of reworking my entire brain to accept that this was all happening much, much sooner than I had planned.  I found a way to become re-excited by my surgery and what it meant.  No more cancer in my body.  The light at the end of the tunnel was back and closer than ever.

One particularly hard pill to swallow with this closer date was that with my post-chemo energy climbing, I had been excited to start working out again, and start eating healthy again.  I had hoped in those 30+ days I might even lose some of the 5 pounds or so of the chemo weight I had gained.  I wanted to go into this surgery feeling powerful, strong, positive and healthy. With this newer surgery date I felt that this goal was still possible, I just had less time to accomplish it.  That was fine, I thought, after all, it wasn’t about the weight loss as much as it was about feeling good.  And I was determined to do my damndest to feel as good as possible with the time I had.   

I started working out every day.  Nothing crazy or overzealous I thought.  Some brief cardio, 30-45 minutes on the stationary bike.  Light weight lifts.  Beginner level stuff.  Enough to work up a minor sweat and push me a little.  But not to push too hard.  With the support of my partner I started eating well (emphasis well, not less).  More salads, more fruit, more water.  Less junk food.  I was meditating daily, which is something I have never done before.  I was feeling good, feeling empowered.  I had even lost 2 pounds, which was, frankly, just a bonus. 

I went into my plastic surgery pre-op appointment excited and nervous.  I was going to be able to ask all of my questions about the surgery, which I had written out ahead of time.  I was going to learn about how to care for my recovering body.  This appointment made this all seem so real. More so than it had before.  But I was happy about that.  I was shocked by how excited I was by the idea of a bilateral mastectomy.  Of course, still very scared, but excited, which made the fear more palatable. 

I don’t like to say things that are overly flattering of myself, but I like to think through this whole process I have remained fairly calm, undeterred, and strangely positive.  Not in a Pollyanna positive kind of way (as my mother would say), just optimistic about the outcome of all of this.  Optimism is not my natural mode, so I have worked very hard to do this.  That is not to say it hasn’t been hard.  Or course it has.  This has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  I have cried more these last few months than probably the last few years combined.  But I have remained, for the most part, positive.  

This was how I felt walking into my plastics pre-op appointment.  My mother was with me for support.  She had been there with me for my first consult with plastics and oh boy, had I needed her.  When the sheer weight of everything had hit me once we started going over breast reconstruction, I had completely lost it.  She was there to support me and help lift up my voice when I could hardly speak.  I had not anticipated that would be necessary this time, but she was there as a precaution, and as an extra set of ears.  But it turned out I needed her more than ever.  When my plastic surgeon out of the blue suggested I consider having my mastectomy without reconstruction, take a few months to recover and lose 20 or so pounds, and then come back for my reconstruction later, I lost it completely.  We had already been over this two months prior.  We had addressed concerns about my weight and determined the surgery as is, mastectomy and reconstruction all in one, was doable, and the right procedure for me.  My weight had not changed since this conversation in March.  Nothing had.  So what the hell.  And when I say “lost it” I mean full, heaving, sobbing, hard to breathe tears.  I couldn’t think straight.  I wanted to vomit.  I wanted to throw something.  I wanted to scream.  We were two weeks out from surgery and here was this curveball that could change everything.  All my questions I had pre-prepared, all of my excitement went right out the window.   I remember my mother saying to the nurses, with a thinly veiled anger, “She has been very stoic through all of this, but I think today you guys broke her.”

The thing here I must make you all understand is that I am having a surgery I would never in a million years have elected to have if I did not have breast cancer and a genetic condition that gave me a 40% chance of getting breast cancer again.  I am having both my breasts removed, and reconstructed with tissue from my stomach.  Does the idea of that make you uncomfortable?  Yeah, me too.  I don’t want this.  I will never wanted this.  But I have accepted that this surgery is my best shot at having a normal life where I do not have to wake up every day in fear of my cancer returning.  And this particular surgery, a mastectomy and reconstruction all in one, with my own tissue, while much more intense in terms of both surgical time and recovery time, is the procedure that made this “choice” that wasn’t really a choice the most palatable.  I am not sugar coating to say I was excited. But when the option of doing the procedure the way I wanted was possibly being taken away from me it was all too much to handle.  My mother was right.  It broke me.

We left that appointment with more questions than answers.  Both of us dejected, angry, bordering on more tears to accompany the ones we had already shed.  After an emergency meeting with my social worker and much discussion (and more tears), and an analysis of the risks and benefits in front of me, I was done sacrificing my choices.  I had already sacrificed too much to this disease and I was done.  I was determined to stick with the procedure I had been planning for since March. 

So did this whole event take the wind a bit out of my sails? Yes.  It ruined everything just a little bit for me, and stands to make all of this a little bit harder.  All the same, after making my decision, I was determined to push forward,  I kept up the exercising, I had two more very productive days at the office and felt confident about my medical leave from my job.  Was I feeling as strong as before?  Not quite.  But I was feeling better.  And the weekend was approaching fast, which I was looking forward to.

I had plans for the weekend.  Nothing monumental.  Saturday, my partner and I had planned to go to the driving range at a local golf course.  This was a favorite activity of mine when I was younger. My uncle Billy, who died in 2019, used to take me to the driving range when I was a pre-teen/teen.  I was excited to give it a shot again and see if I still had it, or at least had my 14-year-old version of “it”.  Saturday also happened to be the two year anniversary of my Uncle Billy’s death, which I had forgotten, but I wonder if subconsciously I remembered, as the coincidence is a bit too odd to ignore.  Then Sunday, we planned to go to the beach.  We were going to get there early, 8am for low tide, because one of our favorite activities is to explore tide pools.  This may seem juvenile, but the beach, and the tide pools bring me immense joy.  Though I only had two weekends before my surgery and a month long recovery, I was determined to make the most of them. 

However, my weekend plans, like my pre-surgery excitement, were perhaps too good to be true.  Saturday morning, before my day had really even started, I was bending over to put something in the compost when my back gave out and a sharp pain hit me in the center of my lower back.  I was stuck there crouched down, wondering if I could even stand.  With much pain I did stand, and suddenly realized I was in trouble.  I called out to Caleb with a bit of urgency, and when he came over, I said “Something happened to my back, I don’t think I can walk.” And I truly didn’t think I could.  He slowly walked me over to the couch where I was able to lay down, but not without excruciating pain.  And when I say excruciating, I mean it.  On the pain scale- the one that doctors always have with the little frowny faces I would say it was a 7.  Maybe a 6.  Maybe an 8.  Whatever it was, I can way with utmost certainty, I have never, in my entire life, felt this much pain.  Whenever I sat up- pain.  Whenever I stood- pain.  Whenever I took a step- pain.  This was make-you-want-to-vomit pain.  This was need-help-going-to-the-bathroom pain.  This was I-am-afraid-to-move-even-a-little pain.  I have hurt my back before.  But never, ever like this.  

With my upcoming surgery I am restricted from taking blood thinning medication - so no ibuprofen, no aspirin.  I am also restricted from taking CBD, THC, and any marijuana products.  I tried acetaminophen.  I tried wet heat.  I tried dry heat.  I tried ice.  None of it seemed to really help.  We considered going to the emergency room but I wasn’t sure I could make it down our front stairs, let alone into a car.  Plus the idea of one single unnecessary second in a hospital, especially with a long hospital stay looming, was unpalatable. Finally, I called Dana Farber and spoke with the on-call physician, who, after confirming it was safe for me pre-surgery, prescribed me muscle relaxers.  

Of course, a driving range trip was out of the question.  I cancelled dinner plans with a friend as well.  I felt little to no relief until 11pm, which allowed me to make it up the stairs and into bed.  The relief gave me a false sense of hope, thinking perhaps, by tomorrow, I will be better.  Maybe even better enough to go to the beach.  My one beach trip of the summer.  That’s all I wanted.  I knew tidepools were out of the question.  But maybe I could at least put my feet in the sand, and smell the ocean water.  That seemed good enough.

As soon as I awoke on Sunday at 5:30am to take my next dose of pain meds and muscle relaxers  I knew it would never happen.  I had reverted back to my earlier pain levels.  I struggled to get out of bed, and required being literally held up to go to the bathroom. And I never went back to sleep after that.  I just sat there, taking in everything that was happening to me at that moment.  Taking stock of the ways my body felt like it was was failing me. Listing the things I had lost.  Obsessing on the disappointments.  

I can’t quite find the words to express how it feels to be sitting awake, propped up against your headboard like a ragdoll at 5:30 am on a Sunday, crying, but trying to be silent so as not to wake your partner, who, after tirelessly caring for you, helping you walk to the bathroom all night, has finally been able to fall asleep.  Looking outside at the beautiful, cloudless blue sky, feeling the warmth of a perfect beach day seep in through the window screens, knowing I likely won’t even make it out of the house let alone to the beach.  

Rage.  White-hot rage is what I felt.  Not at anyone or anything.  I don’t even have a god to be mad at. Just life.  I was mad at life.  I was furious that my one weekend to enjoy, relax, and take my mind off of everything, even if just for a moment, had been taken from me, not even by cancer, but by some freak occurrence. 

In this moment, sitting there, silent tears streaming down my face, chest heaving with the sheer weight of just everything I realized there was one thing I could do- my one sedentary, legless outlet.  I could write.  

So gingerly, I pushed myself out of bed and shuffled my way over to my work desk.  With the support of the desk I lowered myself onto the floor to reach for my personal laptop.  I opened it.  Dead.  I located the power cord under my desk, unplugged.  After several painful moments of reaching, I determined I wasn’t going to be able to reach the outlet.  No fear, I had a backup plan.  I reached up and grabbed my work laptop.  Power cord already plugged in- bingo.  I opened it, made my way into Google Docs and started typing.  I got five words in before a blue screen with a frowny face appeared.  Well, thank goodness I used Google Docs.  I rebooted and logged back in.  Another sentence.  Blue screen.  Frowny face.  I rebooted again.  And again.  And again.  At least six or seven times of this, all while that pit of rage stuck somewhere between my throat and my belly swirled painfully.  All I wanted in this one moment was an outlet- a chance to be able to write about my pain.  And I was even being denied that. 

As I rebooted, and rebooted, and rebooted, for the first time in a long time another word popped into my head which I had vowed to never use.

Unfair.

I hate the word unfair.  And I hate it in the context of my cancer diagnosis.  I was recently explaining this to a friend of mine.  It’s not that I so much hate other people using the word unfair to describe what is happening to me, or to describe something happening outside of my diagnosis, but I refuse to use it for myself.  I feel this way because I believe nothing about my life is unfair.  Yeah, I got cancer.  Yeah, I got cancer at 28.  But why not me?  So many people get cancer, what the hell makes me so special that it shouldn’t be me.  What about the little kids I see at Dana Farber any time I’m there, running around with their little chubby bald heads.  I got to be 28 before I had cancer- they didn’t.  That’s unfair to them.  But not to me.  The word unfair scares me- because I truly believe once I begin to think that about my situation, about myself, about my current circumstances, I won’t be able to come back from that.  I won’t be able to escape unfair. 

Finally, as if sensing I was about to throw it against the wall, my laptop came to life and stayed that way.  And I wrote all of this, starting with “unfair” and working backwards. Working through all of the things that have happened in the last two weeks to bring me to that word. 

I have concluded that, still, none of this is unfair.  Am I pissed off? Yeah.  Exhausted?  Absolutely.  Angry. Sad. Scared. Humiliated. Humbled. Overwhelmed. Still in pain, as I sit here?  Unfortunately, yes. But I feel oddly… better. Actually, I’m kind of smiling now as I write this and I truly have no idea why.  Maybe at the absurdity of it all?  Maybe because I am feeling so many things right now, why not add amused. 

I’ve mentioned this before but dark humor is in my blood.  It came with the DNA that gave me the BRCA1 mutation that gave me breast cancer- ironic, huh? Or full circle- I can’t tell which. I am too tired and delirious from pain and lack of sleep to know the difference. That DNA also gave me my beautiful hair- which is making it’s slow comeback.  My sense of humor. My taste in music.  My sense of travel and adventure.  My love for words.  It is half of who I am, and therefore a part of me I would never give up or change, because without it I would be someone else.  And most importantly, it gave me this gift, this outlet of writing, which has somehow, in the last two hours, healed quite a lot of pain.  

That seems quite fair, does it not?

I don’t know when my back pain will subside.  I don’t know if it will have any effect on my surgery in a week and a half.  I don’t even know if I will make it to the beach before then.  But I do know that even with all of these uncertainties I feel compelled to write it down and share it with whoever feels compelled to read it.  Because it's important to me that I remember what this moment feels like.  

Because you know what they say about rock bottom. Nowhere to go but up, baby. 

Serandy and Olifael fanfic (SerenaXAndy and OlivierXRafael) part 1

Okay. I did it. I wrote it. But at what cost?

⚠️Warning⚠️ it's a stupid joke fic so read at your own risk. I don't take responsibility for what I've done. Deal with it 😂

------------------------------------

Andy looked at her phone and sighed again for the bazillionth time of the day. She was sitting with Alita in the garden, the young artist wanted to draw flowers. Or more accurately: she absolutely needed to for Mr. Boss's class. The topic this time around was "nature." And Alita wasn't really fond of... drawing grass and trees and whatnot, so she asked Andy to accompany her.

"You're thinking about Serena again, aren't you? When are you going to tell her?"

Andy had a crush on Serena since their first year in Arlington, they were seniors now and yet Andy couldn't gather the courage to confess her feelings.

"What's the point? Serena already has a boyfriend... Wait! How did you know I was thinking about her?!"

Alita gestured towards Andy's phone, the locksreen was a picture of the both of them. Serena and Andy smiling side by side.

"Oh... I see. I've been staring at it this whole time, haven't I?"

"Yup."

Honestly Alita didn't understand why Andy was having this much trouble telling Serena. They were friends for almost 3 years now, Serena wouldn't suddenly cut Andy out of her life just because of something like that. Alita was someone really direct, borderline shameless. Last year she photoshopped a picture of Alistair and... added maybe too much body hair to it, making him look like a werewolf. The picture made the rounds in the athletics department and the poor scholarship boy was completely mortified. It was his first year in Arlington too... When asked why she did this, Alita said: "One of my friends has a body hair kink, thought it would make her happy." To this day we still don't know who that friend is. They decided to remain anonymous so it's a mystery.

"It must be so easy for you Alita, you're not scared of anything."

Alita's hand stopped moving and she looked at Andy from the corner of her eyes. Then she got up from the bench, as if she had something really important to do.

"Well, it's not only about courage. It's also about will. You always say that you're too scared, but really? To me it just sounds like you're making excuses. You're telling yourself that it's okay if you don't tell her because you're not "brave" enough but the truth is that you're running away all the time. It's been almost 3 years now, maybe your resolve is too weak? Are you even certain of your feelings?"

Hearing all of this, Andy's mind was filling up with anger. She stood up, facing Alita.

"Yes, I am sure! Of course I am! It's true that it only started with feelings of admiration but now... now it's different. I love her. However confessing my feelings would be stupid and pointless. Do you even realize what you're saying? What am I supposed to do? Make them have a break-up? Olivier is also my friend, I don't want to be a bother... I'll just wait until..."

Andy looked down, her eyes filling up with tears.

"...Until my feelings go away. It's better this way, I won't lose either of them just because of a crush."

Alita rolled her eyes and gave Andy a tissue from her bag.

"Alright, alright... I'm sorry Andy, don't cry okay? But realistically speaking, I think that you would never lose them because of something like this. I mean, it's not like you can control your feelings. Also..."

Alita looked down at her watch, a feeling of excitement struck her as she saw the time.

"...I have to go! The last episode of that anime I told you about is airing today and I'll finally be able to binge-watch it!"

"Ah... The one from studio Tricker?"

"Yeah, that one! I've been waiting 3 months for all the episodes to air, can you imagine?! Wish it worked like Netflex where they drop all the episodes at the same time instead of once per week... Anyway! Thank you for accompanying me today! Byeeeeee!!!"

Andy stood there in the middle of countless flowers, watching Alita run towards the dorms. Maybe she was right after all? Maybe Andy was worried for nothing.

[At the same time in another place.]

Finn blinked a few times, dumbfounded by what he just heard.

"Come again?"

Rafael gulped.

"I... I like Olivier... I think."

Finn looked back at his computer and kept on editing a video he's been working on for a while now.

"Huh. Didn't see that coming. Well uh, good luck? I mean, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say here. Olivier already has a girlfriend, right?"

Rafael hung his head low and sighed in despair.

"Well that's the thing. What am I supposed to do? Bury my feelings? Last year I had a crush on Andy and now it's Olivier... I always develop feelings for my best friends."

Finn furrowed his eyebrows in worry. Then he sympathetically looked at Ralf, trying to be reassuring.

"But you know, I think that catching feelings for friends is better than falling for people you're not close with. At least you know your friends well enough and you know what you're getting into if you start dating them... But uh. Yeah. Sounds like it kinda sucks to be you right now."

"Yeah, no kidding..."

Last year Rafael tried to confess his feelings for Andy but right before he could, she admitted that she had a crush on Serena... Little did Ralf now that next year he'll fall for Serena's boyfriend.

"By the way, I'm a little curious: why do you like him? I mean, Olivier is cool and all but he's also kind of cold, isn't he?"

Rafael raised his head in utter disbelief.

"What?! I think you have the wrong idea, it is true that he can be intimidating when he's working but deep down he's a really good guy. And he's funny too!"

Finn looked like he just heard the most confusing thing in the world. Olivier? Funny? That's 2 words that should never be in the same sentence. But Finn shrugged anyway and got back to business.

"Hm. Alright, whatever floats your boat I guess..."

[Somewhere else at the same time.]

"YOU WHAT?!"

Ariel practically screamed at the top of her lungs while Serena was trying her hardest to stay composed.

"Calm down, okay? Yeah, I'm gonna break-up with Olivier today. I can't bear it anymore."

Ariel looked like she ascended to a new state of bewilderment each time Serena opened her mouth.

"You can't bear Olivier anymore? But... but...?? I don't?? Understand?? You guys always get along. Better than that, you guys are the power couple of Arlington!"

"No, you don't get it. What I can't bear anymore isn't Olivier, it's my feelings for Andy. She's too beautiful and perfect to be single. Everyone around her is so blind and I have to change that."

"...Wait a sec, I think I need to sit down."

Ariel sat down.

"Ariel, we're in the middle of a hallway."

"I don't think you understand how much I don't give a shit about that right now..."

Ariel wasn't wrong, Olivier and Serena were seen as "rELaTiOnShIp GoALs" by the whole school. And if not by the whole school then *almost* by the whole school. Serena had to think long and hard to make this decision, they had an image to uphold after all. But was it worth it? Right now, Andy was more important to Serena than anything else. Olivier was a good guy definitely, but he was also kinda weird. He always wears a cat mask with galaxy sunglasses for some reason. And he doesn't respect the Arlington dress code even though he used to be the student body president before Tadashi. He wears a black suit and a black tie, because of that a bunch of students jokingly call him the "space cat businessman." Maybe this strange appearance is a weird way for him to rebel against the whole school for not voting for him in the elections.

"Serena, why did you tell me this? What good is there in sharing that with me?"

Serena bends down to match Ariel's height and displays a sad smile on her face.

"Because I'll need your emotional support if something goes wrong."

At those words, Ariel stood up and brushed her butt with her hands to clean off the dust.

"Gotcha. I'll do my best... I'll go find a good show to binge-watch on Netflex and some delicious ice cream just in case you get a heartbreak if Andy rejects you after you dump Olivier."

Serena cringed.

"You didn't need to put it that way... But thanks, I guess."

[In another hallway at the same time.]

Today Olivier had two things to do. One, garner some info about a missing student: Nari. And two: break-up with Serena. His feelings for Rafael had grown to be too strong. He thought that he could get past them but he was wrong. He couldn't ignore them anymore. The cute coder from the pure and applied sciences department had caught his heart. Anyway, before that he had to get past step one: gather info about the disappearance of Nari. Olivier was making rounds in the school, trying to find the people who knew Nari. Or at least had heard something.

The first person Olivier talked to was Layelle... as she was carrying some weird materials to the dorms.

"What is this for? You're not about to do something dangerous, are you?"

Layelle's eyes widened in surprise but a couple of seconds later she laughed at Olivier's seriousness.

"Geez, don't worry ex-president. It's just for my skincare routine, I'm about to go help Tyler with his too."

Honestly, Olivier didn't really understand the use of a skincare routine since he always wore a mask anyway. Besides that though, this wasn't the reason why he stopped her.

"Okay, whatever. Layelle, you know who Nari is right? Have you heard of her recently?"

Layelle's gaze dropped down on the floor, Nari was one her classmates but she had suddenly disappeared a couple of months ago.

"Well, no. Unfortunately I don't think that I can help you. She was a real chatterbox so even if I wasn't in her friend group I heard a lot about her. We got along but we were mostly acquaintances rather than close friends. Sorry."

"No, no problem. Thank you for your time."

Layelle looked at the clock on the wall and gasped. Thankfully, there's clocks everywhere in Arlington so it's hard to lose one's sense of time but it's still possible.

"Shoot! I have to hurry and meet Tyler! Also, I have a birth chart reading livestream afterwards so uh. Bye Olivier!"

After this encounter, Olivier then checked all classrooms and found Daisy sitting on a table with a laptop.

"Hey, you know that you can't do that, right?"

Daisy didn't even bother looking up from her PC and answered.

"You do know that you're not the president anymore, right? No need to check up on us and boss us around."

Someone who doesn't know Daisy might think that she was trying to be witty, but thankfully Olivier knew that she was mostly teasing him. Well... it is true that he was still a little sensitive about the fact that he got his place stolen from him by someone younger and less experienced.

"Okay... Thank you for the warm greeting Daisy, as always. In any case, have you heard of Nari recently?"

This time around, Daisy looked up.

"Oh... well, not really. All I know is that she had some urgent stuff to take care of so she hasn't been coming to school for the past few months but I don't know the details."

Olivier nodded and curiously peeked at the screen of Daisy's laptop.

"Vine compilations."

"Huh?"

"I'm making vine compilations. And please don't tell me that it's a waste of my time, I already know you're thinking that really hard so no need to say it."

"Oh... Okay."

If Serena was there she would say "well, at least it's not TikTak compilations" and she's not wrong. Olivier internally laughed at the thought and kept on searching the school. The next person he came across is Reckless. She was talking with a student while shuffling some cards.

"Reckless, do you have a moment?"

"Uhh... as you can see I'm about to do a tarot reading for this lovely customer here but I haven't started... yet. So make it quick if possible."

Tarot cards? Olivier didn't really believe in that kind of thing, it also annoyed him that everytime he said he doesn't believe in astrology and tarot readings people would always say: "Oh, makes sense. You're a sun virgo haha." But anyway, that's not the point here.

"Have you heard anything about Nari? We haven't been able to contact her for a couple of weeks now. And when I say 'we' I mean the whole school."

"Ah, Nari huh? Well I've certainly heard of her but I've never met her. I don't think I can help, sorry... Oh! But if you want to I can do a tarot reading to see how she's doing! It will only cost you-"

"Okay. Cool. Thanks. And no thank you, I've only done tarot readings when Serena forced me to."

Olivier walked away instantly and he quickly found his next target: Trashy. Like Layelle she was carrying some... questionable objects.

"Is this for a skincare routine?"

"AAH!"

Trashy screamed. To be honest she was really scared of Olivier, since he was student body president before Tadashi, Trashy got herself in a lot of trouble because of her chaotic nature.

"Huh?! Uh. Well... Um..."

Trashy looked down at what she was carrying: 2 bottles of cola, one pack of mentos, some gasoline and fireworks.

"O-oh! Yeah! Skincare routine, totally! Gotta help Layelle y'know?"

Olivier harshly looked down at Trashy.

"I was kidding, it's obvious that it's not for some skincare routine. I'm not dumb Trashy. If you pull off again what you did last year I swear to god-"

"Eek! A-alright! I know it looks suspicious but I'm not gonna do anything dangerous with it, I promise! It's for research and science purposes."

Olivier still didn't believe her but decided to let it go... for now.

"Well, I'm not here to scold you so calm down okay? I wanted to ask you: do you know anything about Nari? Have you been in contact with her recently?"

Trashy tried her best to calm down but her arms were trembling under all the weight she was carrying.

"From what I know Nari has left the country. She had to fly back to Egypt for some important business but no one knows when she'll come back, so um..."

Trashy's legs started trembling too.

"C-can I go now? Please...?"

Olivier nodded and Trashy ran away from him. She was scared out of her mind of Olivier. She found him to be ruthless and terrifying... despite the fact that he was wearing a cute cat mask at all times. She couldn't even see his face so how was she supposed to know what he's thinking or in what kind of mood he is?? Thankfully she made it out alive of this one. Any person who saw her would assume that she's about to commit arson.

After that, Olivier kept on searching for more info. As he reached the entrance of the building again, ready to make another round, he saw an unusual scene: Huli and Irwins pulling on Tegan's arms.

"I like him better!"

"No way! I'm slav like Tegan so I like him better than you!"

"What does being slav have anything to do with liking someone?!"

Irwins laughed like a cartoon villain.

"Well, since you're not slav I don't expect you to understand!"

Tegan was blushing really hard and looked like he was about to die from being pulled that hard from both sides. Olivier was about to help him but Tadashi ran to the rescue faster. Thankfully he was able to resolve it all. Somehow the whole thing ended with Huli and Irwins apologizing to eachother and saying that they love eachother. They started... dating? Then a student named Lissie appeared out of nowhere and hugged the both of them. It seems like they're all in a polygamous relationship? It was so confusing. In any case, Olivier kept on going and going until he saw a girl dressed in a pom pom girl outfit. Oh... it was Hollen. Capitain of the Alistair fanclub... She was watching him from afar, admiring him while drooling. You could hear her creepily mutter: "Muscles... hehehe..." Hollen isn't a bad person but when it comes to Alistair... Oh boy is she thirsty. Olivier tried his best to turn a blind eye to the scene and kept going. Later on he came across Forest, she had her camera on and was talking to it quite enthusiastically.

"Hey guys! I got a permission from Lady A to film the inside of the school! Of course, there are some places that will be off-limits but I'll be able to show you guys a big chunk of Arlington! And-"

Forest caught Olivier staring almost immediately and pointed the camera towards him. Oh no.

"Hey Olivier! This here is the famous ex-student body president of Arlington! Say hi!"

"I don't want to appear on ViewTube, cut that part out entirely. Wouldn't it be better to go back to doing playthroughs instead of silly vlogs?"

"Geez alright. You don't gotta be so cold..."

Forest was the most famous Viewtuber in Arlington, there was a few other students who were trying to make it big but they couldn't get close to Forest's subscriber count. She was from an ordinary family but thanks to all the money she made with Viewtube, she was able to get enrolled as a regular student would: without the need of a scholarship.

(Seems like) Years since yesterday...

Today, 1 year ago, is a special day...

One year ago today was the last time I bought myself a new guitar... I always wanted a Guild, and as I had been touring a lot with The Cashbags I figured I could now afford it. It's blonde, with P90s and as close as I could get to one of my idols, Dave G from The Paladins.

I bought it second hand via “Ebay Kleinanzeigen”, right before a show with The Cashbags. The guy came to the venue, before sound check and I tried it out. I was in love... I bought it there and then...

I played it that night at The Cashbags show too. This was the only show I played my own guitar during all my years touring with the band. Usually I would use the band gear, as it best suited the look the band wanted (and it was easy for me, I didn't have to carry my guitar and amp to and from shows)...

It's also the only show I have so far played with this guitar...

Why?

Well that's cause of that damn pandemic.

You see, that show in Langenselbold was to become the last one The Cashbags would play with me...

I knew I was leaving the band at the end of the tour, which was at the end of April, but COVID had a different plan. It's kinda hard to explain how it felt driving to the show, a good 6 hours, with 1 or 2 date cancellations happening along the way... However, by the the next morning hotel breakfast, the rest of the tour was cancelled.

We lost 6 solid weeks of shows...

But how naive I was. I thought we'd be back at it pretty soon; dates rescheduled, last minute shows would be booked... you know the deal. But in the end, I didn't share the stage with the band again, I didn't get to say goodbye to half the band members before leaving Germany either.

Alex and I had only been married 10 days when restrictions started to begin in Germany. The full lockdown was a week or two later, wasn't it? I don't know, it's all a bit of a blur.

I was lucky, at the time, I had my studio which was all mine, so I could get out of the apartment, walk the dog and play guitar, loud... The new guitar got some action, behind closed doors of course.

You know the story, we started selling up, packing up and, eventually, moved down under...

It feels surreal to think how, at the time, we had no idea how this was going to affect us. It's quite clear the pandemic has brought out the best (and worst) in people.

I think for me, during my time in Dresden's restrictions, everything felt, well, OK. It didn't feel too bad, but I had a lot to focus on. The “goodbyes” to everyone was the hardest thing. I don't remember being under the weather, depressed or sick. I may have been, but whatever negative thoughts and feelings there were, they weren't strong during that time.

I was lucky to be one of the earlier guests on the Blue Note live stream in March, which encouraged me to do my own live streams in April and May. As unprepared as I was to learn so many new songs, it was a good focus, until it got too much.

In July we had “The Josh Fest” which was too much for my emotions. Dresden, I feel the love. I'm so thankful (and lucky) so many friends could come out for one last party. Reuniting old bands, new bands and old friends on stage, it'll go down as one of the best shows in my life. One that ended with me in tears...

When we had the first cancelled flight and rescheduled flights in mid July, I don't remember feeling too bad about it all either. I didn't like it, but our delay was only a week or two. And we had a roof over our head and Alex's family there to support us.

But once the 3rd or 4th rescheduled flight happened it started to get scary and worrying. I remember some really bad days in Meine. I had lost all hope of getting home. We were in limbo, and had little control over the situation. Our health insurances had expired, we were no longer registered in Germany and were worried constantly if the next flight would let us on. So many last minute cancellations, wears one down. I spent quite a bit of my time frustrated, depressed and helpless during those 2 months.

Once we took control, used some savings and bought ourselves new flights, we made it to Adelaide. I definitely felt better by taking action. However, another set of challenges arise, quarantine isn't fun. We were lucky with our hotel, room and food, but it's still tough... Very tough... And I sympathize with everyone who's had to go through it, especially those who are doing it under hardship.

In late September we made it mum's. We finally made it... I'd been waiting for this moment for a year (longer than originally planned of course). I made the decision to move in September/October 2019. I had achieved a lot in Europe, so many amazing adventures (good and challening) that I'll have enough memories to last a life time (if I can remember them!).

I wanted to come back and take care of my family.

When we arrived at mum's, it hit me... I was back! I didn't feel the excitement I thought I would. I felt bad for Mum. Like, shouldn't I have been crying? Shouldn't I have been screaming! “I'm baaaaaaack!!!” In the end I think it was just relief... We'd arrived almost 3 months later than expected. We needed to settle in.

I think settling in took a while. Is it still happening? Even the smell of the fresh salt air knocks you out! Lots of new things to get used to. Integration had begun. Usually I returned home for a holiday, now it was a return for good. This is a full time permanent position.

I did enjoy October through to January. Alex wasn't working, we had time to do stuff, relax... Enjoy the local scene. I don't surf every day, but definitely as often as conditions allow. I did some work, which I previously blogged about. Alex started working in December, and she loves her job... Things were pretty good...

I was, I still am, trying to get over saying goodbye to my puppy, my friends and wondering why I had little motivation to pick up the guitar...

In mid January Mijo, my little kitten, came into my life. Thanks to my wonderful wife, she knew full well I wouldn't decide to get a pet on my own, and on the responsibility to bring some fur into our lives. Damn I'm lucky.

In fact, Alex's intuition is amazing... She always seems to know know when to ask questions, when to listen, when to take action and when to bring coffee. Bless her cotton socks...

However come February I'd hit the wall. I don't know what it is, what it was.... But it's been a little while coming, and hasn't gone away. It did leave me in bed for 3 days, and don't ask me the reason, cause I can't tell you.

I've had a lot of motivation issues... I just don't feel like getting up... I have to, because I gotta drive mum to work and pick her up. Once back home, usually I drink coffee and force myself to do something, anything... I've used the excuse of “training Mijo” that I visit friends with him, but really my heart hasn't been in it. I just know I'd feel guilty if I didn't do anything...

I've had a lot of paperwork to fill out since getting home. Bank accounts and all that kind of stuff... Alex's visa (which is still on going for another 18 months or so). Also local government bureaucratic stuff I have to deal with. Taxes! I'm planning to start studying in April, but to enroll the process comes with a lot of documentation, questions and answers...

So... Lately...

I have distanced myself from everyone lately. Except for a few moments, I haven't picked up the guitar in almost 12 months. I barely do anything. Writing this blog today, has taken a lot of energy and focus to start. If it wasn't for the “anniversary” today, I wouldn't have even begun to type.

To help you understand the hole I was (and still am) in... I have been blessed with a roof over my head, food every day, a loving wife, a beautiful kitten, a loving mum (and family and friends), the beach, the sounds of birds waking me up and (mostly) great weather... But I'm still unhappy...

How could that be? Why is that?

I know I wrote a few times before, that writing has helped me process my feelings. So I figured I'd better try it. Practice what I preach!... But don't ask me how I feel, I just don't know... and it can change in a heart beat.

I got out of bed today, and I did some office work... First time in over a week... Stuff I've been putting off... I'll need to make a few calls this afternoon too... But in between I think I'll rest... Relax...

Usually, I push myself too much... I have pushed myself to the edge (again)... I've been feeling desperate, unmotivated, hopeless, helpless and, well, just plain shit... I know I gotta get out of it, but these days I'm trying a new approach: pull back, relax, rethink, rest and figure out the right balance... So far I am somewhere in the middle....

At least I think I feel better than when I was constantly powering through and not acknowledging my feelings.

I'm my worst critic, and I feel guilty if I don't “do” every day... I gotta “do” this or that... But sometimes you gotta take care of yourself... That is also a “do”... isn't it? Self care. Self love. Listening to your body.

So it's been one of the roughest years in a long time for us... hasn't it??

Damn...

Please don't do what I do and ignore the stress and pressure... What I mean is, there's been so many new things for all of us, so many new challenges, we forget how far we've come. We forget we are still here.

We have achieved so much, even if it's the fact we got out of bed today!!!

We need to be kind to each other, but more importantly to ourselves. I wouldn't treat my pet, my friends or my family as badly as I do myself, so why am I doing that?? It's gotta stop.

I gotta listen to myself when I don't feel up to it, and forgive myself for putting myself first... Rest... Reflection... Relaxing... Recuperation... Maybe then I can begin the next chore... Like filling out this damn paperwork just to get into college...

https://youtu.be/-rkq9ffBpWY - The Paladins - Years Since Yesterday

Thanks for reading,

Josh