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lilsmv1 · 12 days

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orange cat - OP81

Pairing: Oscar Piastri x reader

Summary: What happens your neighbour's adorable orange cat starts to pay you daily visits?

Word count: 1k

London welcomed me with its perpetually gray skies and damp weather, a stark contrast to the sunny shores of California I had left behind. As I settled into my new apartment, I couldn't help but feel a pang of homesickness for the warmth of home.

For the first few weeks, I hardly saw my neighbours, lost in the shuffle of unpacking and adjusting to my new surroundings. But one persistent visitor soon made himself known – a vibrant orange cat that would perch itself on my windowsill, peering into my living room with curious eyes.

At first, I found it amusing, but as the days went by and the cat became a regular fixture, I grew concerned. Surely, someone must be missing their furry friend. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I scribbled a quick note on a yellow post-it, explaining the situation and tucking it under my neighbor's door. "Your cat seems to be visiting me often," I wrote. "Just wanted to let you know in case you're worried."

Days passed, and I received no response. I wondered if my neighbor had even seen the note or if they simply didn't care about their wandering pet.

But then, one evening, there was a soft knock on my door.

Opening the door, I found myself face to face with a handsome young man, his expression sheepish yet friendly. He held a small box in his hands, the smell of freshly baked pastries wafting from within.

"Hey, sorry to bother you," he began, his accent unmistakably Australian. "I'm Oscar, your neighbor from next door. I just wanted to apologize for my cat bothering you. And, well, to say thank you for looking out for him."

I couldn't help but smile at his genuine demeanor. "No problem at all, your cat is lovely, I was simply worried you might wonder where he was" I replied, accepting the box of pastries. "I'm glad to finally meet you, Oscar" I replied, introducing myself as well.

"Do you maybe wanna come in? I can make us some tea or coffee and we could eat the pastries you brought?" I added.

"I would love that!" replied Oscar with a warm smile.

From that moment on, Oscar and I struck up an unexpected friendship. We bonded over our shared love for his cat and baked goods, finding comfort in each other in the big city of London, so far from our respective homes. Oscar told me all about his work as a Formula One driver, and I could not help but be in awe of how passionate he was. I, on the other end, told him about the teaching opportunity that got me to move here, and I would often tell him cute stories from my classroom.

As weeks turned into months, our friendship deepened. Oscar proved to be not only a generous neighbor but also a reliable friend. Whether it was helping me fix a leaky faucet or lending a hand with heavy groceries, he was always there when I needed him.

Our weekly movie nights, whenever Oscar wasn't out of the country, became a cherished tradition, a welcome break from our everyday lives. We'd take turns picking films, debating over classics and hidden gems late into the night.

But amidst the laughter and camaraderie, I couldn't ignore the growing feeling in my chest whenever I saw Oscar. He was kind, funny, and undeniably attractive – qualities that drew me in despite my best efforts to keep my distance.

One day, as I scrolled through Twitter during a lazy afternoon, I stumbled upon something that caught me off guard. Pictures of Oscar, smiling brightly alongside a beautiful girl with long blonde hair.

A pang of jealousy shot through me, surprising in its intensity. I realised then, with startling clarity, that my feelings for Oscar ran deeper than I had initially thought. But it was too late – I was now pretty sure he was already taken, and I had no right to interfere.

Unable to shake off my newfound jealousy, I began to distance myself from Oscar, avoiding our usual interactions and retreating into solitude. But my sudden coldness did not go unnoticed.

One evening, there was a sharp knock on my door, and when I opened it, there stood Oscar, his expression a mixture of frustration and concern.

"What's going on with you?" he demanded, his voice tinged with hurt. "You've been acting strange lately, and I want to know why."

"I'm not" I replied defensively.

"Come on, don't give me that bullshit" replied a rather angry Oscar. "You've been avoiding me. Have I done something?" he asked, his voice laced with vulnerability.

I hesitated, the weight of my emotions heavy in the air between us. But then, with a surge of courage, I found myself blurting out the truth.

"I... I think I'm in love with you, Oscar," I confessed, my voice barely above a whisper. "And seeing you with someone else... it hurts more than I thought it would."

For a moment, there was silence, the tension palpable. But then, to my surprise, Oscar stepped forward, his eyes burning with intensity.

"God, you can be so dense sometimes" he breathed

"Hum, excuse me?" I replied, clearly offended.

"The girl you're talking about, that's my new PR manager."

"Oh..."

"I thought I was being fairly obvious as to how I feel about you." he said softly, reaching out to cup my face in his hands.

And with that, he closed the distance between us, his lips meeting mine in a heated and passionate kiss, leaving me breathless.

#oscar piastri #op81 #op81 x reader #op81 imagine #op81 fluff #op81 fic #formula 1 #formula one #f1 x reader #f1 fanfic #f1 imagine #f1 fic #f1 #oscar piastri fanfic #oscar piastri imagine #oscar piastri fic #oscar piastri x reader #oscar piastri fluff

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jungwnies · 1 year

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syn ✰ boyfriend!jay didn't realize how much he cared about you until you left, maybe he shouldn't have taken you for granted. pair ✰ boyfriend!jay x gn!reader

money was an object to jay. he didn't think twice about it.

you could spend thousands of dollars on jay's card, and he wouldn't even notice.

but you didn't want the material things anymore, you wanted him to hold you, to kiss you, to tell you how much you matter to him. like he used to.

but he didn't do that anymore.

he'd come home late, he stopped texting you as much when he was out, it wasn't the same; and you'd have to be a fool to ignore that maybe this relationship just isn't going to work anymore.

jay sat in the recliner chair comfortably as he scrolled on his phone through twitter. you look over at him and take a deep breath, "jay i think we need to talk." you faltered.

"hm?" he responded, eyes till glued to his phone.

"can't you just pay attention for once?" you snap, raising your voice slightly.

it caught jay off guard, but he listened and put his phone down, "what is there to talk about?"

"us jay, we need to talk about us." you confess, fidgeting with your fingers.

"what? are you not happy in this relationship anymore y/n? is there something i'm doing wrong?" jay asks.

"will you just let me speak jay? you never listen." you tell him leaning back on the couch. "you never fucking listen." you whisper under your breath.

"ok then what is there to talk about?" jay snaps.

you stand up from the couch, "jay you've changed, you might buy me things left and right but i don't want that, i just want you to treat me like you used to." you confess, your eyes slightly tearing up. "i get it, you're busy, but even when you have a break you spend half the time on your phone."

"i give you everything you want, a roof over your head, my money, why do i need to give you all my time?" jay argues.

"i'm not asking for all your time!" you shout at him, tears now running from your eyes. "i just want to feel loved!"

"god, you're so fucking needy y/n." jay chastised.

"i'm not asking for much jay, but if it's too much for you then i'm just going to leave." you tell him, your voice quiet now. you grab your phone, your jacket, and your bag and walk out of the apartment.

you take a deep breath as you feel your heart shatter into pieces. as you walk out the building you couldn't hear anything except for your own sobs.

you couldn't go back there, you wouldn't. so you left.

and that broke him.

he didn't realize how much he loved you until you were gone. the side of his bed where you laid still smelled like you, the pieces of clothing you left were still folded neatly in the drawers.

he thought it was just a small bump in the road, but as days went by, he realized you weren't going to answer his calls, as weeks went by he knew you were never coming back to pick up anything you left.

he thought he was never going to see you again, you meant what you said. he went to your favorite cafe everyday, just in the hopes he'd catch a glimpse at you.

but when he saw you happily with someone else, his heart dropped.

because while you were moving on happily, the thought of you lingered in his brain everyday.

2022 © jungwnies

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yelenasdiary · 2 years

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You Are

Pairing: Florence Pugh x Reader

Summary: Florence assures you how much you mean to her and comforts you when your insecurities overload your mind.

| Fluff & Angst | 1.9K | Cyberbullying, body shaming, name calling, swearing.

Y/BF/N (Your Best friends Name)

Prompt 12 from my list: “I’m yours, in every way possible.”

AC: Comfort Flo? Yes please!

*This is a request from my old blog*

You were never one to let the talk of social media to get you down but sometimes it’s harder when you’re alone. Florence has left town for a friend’s birthday party. You couldn’t go with as you had promised your best friend that you’d help with moving apartments. She’s moving from a smaller one to a bigger one, she’s worked hard and you’re beyond proud of her.

Florence and you have been together for two years now, fans and critics have been keeping tabs on the two of you since you both announced the relationship publicly. You were flooded with countless DMs on Instagram from fans wishing you both the best, some weren’t as impressed as others, but you brushed them off. Who were they to tell you who you should date or not?

You’ve spent less and less time on social media since being with Florence, that’s one of the things you’ve loved the most. Before you met her live was a tad boring and social media kept you entertained for the most part but being with Florence? She made you forget about the digital world.

“Thank you so much for helping again!” Y/BF/N smiled as she let you into her now packed and boxed apartment. “You literally don’t have to thank me” you grinned. There was a moving truck parked in the street with the driver keeping watch for the two of you. You grabbed a box and started the day of labour.

“How’s Florence?” your friend of 10+ years asked. “She’s great, she’s got a few projects in the work that she’s excited about so things are about a tad busy” you explained with a smile. “That’s great, she loves work so I can imagine how excited she is to get back out there”

“You’re telling me!” you giggled.

After a few hours of taking boxes down to the truck then getting the bigger items ready for the next truck load of things before driving to her new apartment and unloading the truck it was time for lunch. A couple of sandwiches and cakes from the café would good you both well.

Naturally you’d checked your phone as we all do. A quick scroll through Instagram before you opened Twitter. Your feed was flooded with new candid photos of your girlfriend, a smile formed on your lips at the sight of her. Then the comments started showing.

“Flo is in her single hot girl summer I know it!”

“Single Flo??!”

“Uhm, where’s Y/n?”

“If Flo and Y/n broke up I’m literally going to throw a party! I was getting so tired of those two”

“Y/n kicking herself for letting Flo walk around looking this good, I just KNOW it”

Were just some of the comments that you saw, you ignored them knowing the truth of your relationship with Florence was strong and these people had no idea what you and Florence share. You focused on the good, some of your other friends tweeting memes that made you forget the comments you just read. You retweeted a couple, instantly regretting it as your notifications started blowing up.

“@yourusername if you and Florence have split, it’s for the best. It must have been hard to keep thinking you were worthy of her” one account stood out to you. Stupidly you fell into the trap of looking over their account. How somebody would waste so much of their own time to create an account to direct hate at you was beyond you. They butchered your photos, cropped you out of candids with Florence along with personal photos you’d shared before.

“How can Flo wake up to this everyday makes me sick!” one tweet read with an attached photo of you, a screenshot of a video Florence had posted of you pulling stupid faces at her while at a family event. Your heart started to break as you couldn’t control your thumb from scrolling further down.

“Imagine being Florence have to be seen out with this whale looking human” read the tweet that hit a little harder than you thought. You’ve had insecurities about your body for so long and you were just learning to love yourself and see your self beauty as you are, but this tweet had all those negative thoughts running back.

Then there was a mix of photos of Florence when she was in Ibiza with friends, “Florence and Will look more in love than her and Y/n ever had. Please let this happen!!” the account tweeted along with a thread of people they thought Florence looked better with.

“Ready to get back to it?” Y/BF/N’s voice broke your attention, pushing your feelings to the side you gave her a fake smile “give me one second, I just need to reply to this message” you said. She nodded before grabbing a box.

“Missing you darling, how’s the moving?” Florence’s text read. You didn’t notice it before.

“Just fine. Super busy, talk tonight” you replied before turning your phone off completely.

You helped Y/bf/n until everything was moved into her new apartment, it was around 9pm by the time you both finished, you stay back and helped her put her bed together, so she didn’t have to sleep on the hard floor. She was extremely grateful and hugged you super tight. “I know something has been on your mind today, but I really do love you and I appreciate all the help today” she smiled as you both pulled away from the hug. “I love you too and again, stop thanking me!” you chuckled, “I am however going to go home and shower” you smiled.

“A shower sounds so good! Don’t let me hold you back” she laughed. You said your goodbyes and headed home. Turning your phone back on once you pulled into the driveway, 10 missed calls from Florence along with serval unread texts. The lights still on in the house but you couldn’t bring yourself to face her just yet. Hurt from the words you’d read but it got worse. More tweets, more messages drained you emotionally. Tears filled your eyes, your body slightly shaking from the physical pain you were feeling. You totally forgot that there were cameras for security purposes. One faced the main gate, and another captured the driveway.

You broke down, tears running freely down your cheeks, your head rested on the steering wheel while you held your hands over your chest. A soft knock on the window of your car made you look up. There stood Florence with eyes of worry, she opened the door and kneeled, placing her hand on your thigh gently.

“Baby, what’s happened?” she asked. You looked over at her, your eyes red and sore before you wiped your tears away only for them to return. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it” you cried.

“Darling don’t give me that. What’s going on” Florence frowned with concern. Without speaking you handed her your phone. She punched in your pin code and was welcomed to the account that started your breakdown. She took a moment and scrolled through some of the vile things that were posted. “I know I should’ve read it; I know I should’ve just blocked the account but I just- “

“My love, look at me” Florence stopped you, placing your phone on the ground. You looked at her and snuffled, she cupped your cheeks and wiped the rest of your tears away. “This” she looked down at your phone then back to you “is pure bullshit. It’s crap, it untrue and all posted by somebody who has no idea who you are as a person” she started leaving one hand on your cheek, her thumb stroking your skin gently while her other free hand held your left hand. “Baby, you are so fucking beautiful, I mean that. Everybody has flaws but I love every single one of yours. I want you to know that I’m yours, in every way possible.” She smiled softly.

“You make me smile, you make me laugh, you bring me love and comfort, you are the sun on a stormy day, you are the warmth I seek when it’s cold outside, you are beautiful soul I give my all too. Theses mindless pricks don’t see the how special you are and that’s their loss. If they can’t see how beautiful and breath taking you are, they are blind. I love you, do hear me? I love you, all of you, everything single part of you. I love you, only you”

You looked into your girlfriends’ eyes and wondered how you could ever be so silly to question her intentions. You loved her so much and she loved you more than you’d ever know. You gave her a small nod, “I love you, I’m sorry” you spoke softly.

“Don’t you ever apologise for the behaviour of others” Florence said before she kissed you gently but full of pure love. Showing you that nobody what anybody said, you were the one she loved more than people would know. “Now come inside, I’ve made dinner and I even got some of your favourite bath bombs to help relax your body after all that lifting today” she said before kissing you again.

While you were in the bath after dinner, Florence took it upon herself to call out the trolls that made you question yourself. She never liked doing this but after seeing you so broken, she wasn’t having it happened again.

florencepugh: I didn’t think I’d have to make this post again and repeat myself but some of you need to be told one final time.

It is NOT your place to make my loving, beautiful girlfriend feel unworthy of my love. There is no need to be saying such horrid things about her. You don’t know her, you don’t talk to her, you don’t see her and you sure as well don’t feel the things she makes me feel. Y/n is my partner, my girlfriend, my sunshine, my darling, my love, you name it, she is my all. I love her.

I don’t use Twitter and after today I am extremely grateful I don’t because the things that have been said there is sickening, disrespectful and disgusting. I’m not going to expose the account, but you know who you are. The things you’ve said do hurt, they do get read and they take a toll on not only the person you direct them too but those around them.

This afternoon, Y/n came home and showed me what you’d said. I don’t know why you think you have any right think you know anything that goes on in my mind but let me assure you that waking up to Y/n every morning is a fucking blessing. She does this little nose scrunch before she wakes up that drives me crazy and oh lord, her morning voice? WOW! So, if that image makes you feel sick, I hope you’re next to the toilet, love.

For those who do support my beautiful partner, please enjoy these series of photos and videos that are some of my favourites of her. It’s been over two years and I still can’t believe how lucky I am to call her mine! How lucky I am to hold her every night, kiss her whenever I feel like, show her off to the world. I’m so grateful for her and everything she does for me. Y/n, baby, I love you!

Taglist: @red1culous |

#florence pugh #florence pugh x reader #fanfiction

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spiderwing-nightman · 1 year

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I got sick despite doing nothing and going nowhere so have how I think various members of the batfam react to having to quarantine.

Dick: Is absolutely losing it. He would like to go outside or hug someone but he also knows that he’s doing his duty by not doing that, so he settles for FaceTiming people almost non stop.

Jason: Simply does not care. He takes the time to get through the big stack of books he's been meaning to get through. He will send texts to 1 person per day (it’s a different person everyday) so ppl know he’s still alive.

Tim: Is ready to fight whoever got him sick. He does however get very very sick when he does get sick so he is unable to leave bed period. Maybe to use the bathroom, but that’s about it. He uses the time to wax poetic about how his life is a curse and how he’s going to kill whoever got him sick. When he isn’t doing that, however, he’s burying under the blankets and watching brain rotting YouTube videos even though looking at technology while ill gives him a headache. When he gets a little better he abuses his power by making his siblings (and bruce) get things for him, even if they insist on throwing them at him so they don’t get sick themselves.

Cass: Cass takes the time to get some much needed me time and also to text all of her friends and family excessively. She occupies her time by stirring the pot on twitter and scrolling through various dramas.

Babs: Babs hacks everyone’s phones and computes and tablets and any other device they might have just to keep herself occupied and then proceeds to spy on them (she may also occasionally cause drama, she’s bored ok)

Steph: Steph decides to completely rearrange her room. Then reorganize her desk. Then her bag, then he phone, then her computer, then her- I think you get it.

Duke: He does multiple movie marathons and comes out of the quarantine looking and feeling a little bit like a zombie, but that’s just because time has lost all meaning.

Damian: He does research on a bunch of animals and spends his time trying to make sure that his pets aren’t sick. He then proceeds to obsess over finding out how he got sick and making sure that none of the people he's been around have fallen ill.

Bruce: Pretends like he isn’t sick until every single one of his children refuses to be around him for fear of becoming sick themselves.

#batfam #guess which one is based off of me #dick grayson #Jason todd #Tim drake #cassandra cain #Barbara gordon #Stephanie brown #duke thomas #Damian wayne #bruce wayne

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tennythemany · 8 months

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The Talk

Alright I've been dodging the topic for months now, and I did make this tumblr account to vent it out, but let's talk about why I've stopped posting on the tenpenny account

• Burnout, Identity, Elves vs Ducks

The slow but insidious reason. I've been gposing for about 2 years when I stopped in Feb, and I've been rummaging through my glam dresser everyday to make new outfits for my Elezen. It's what I started gposing for (making cute elf glams), and why I continue to play the game.

But sometime in 2022, that changed. Tried anam for the first time. Started making my own poses. Then I got a hit post. I saw more likes and views. I saw growth, and then I got ambitious. I tried making bigger posts, I read tutorials, I leveraged on my years of knowledge on memes, and I. Made. Memes. That's when things really took off.

That's also around the time I started noticing something. If I put the duck in my posts, I'd get more likes on that post. The duck became a recurring character in my posts. But then people started caring more about the duck than the elf, replies became more about the duck, and that was something I *really* didn't want. People wanted to see the duck. I put it in when I was having a hard time coming up with new ideas. Watch the duck post get more likes than the elf posts. Watch my heart sink.

While gposing would never not be fun for me, at some point I felt like I was posting more for likes than for myself. That feeling never really went away, and so it stayed long past Feb 2023

• The GShade incident

Y'all may remember a little incident at the start of 2023 that got the ffxiv community very plus not-good mad. Not going into details, but a small outcome of that incident resulted in some tangentially related creators to be lumped into that mess.

People wanted blood, and the creators basically got cancelled out of existence along with GShade's creator. Somewhere in that firing line, someone I supported and admired was targeted, and through some *very* shallow accusations, they were hit too.

(And no, I won't be naming anyone)

That event made me realize two very important things:

Years of goodwill and hard work can be undone in a single week if people believe you to be evil

I fucking hate X (formerly twitter)

So that was it. I didn't want to continuing doing something that can forever undermine my work in the heat of the moment, and I've developed a newfound hate for twitter and the mob justice the site perpetuated.

So I left.

(But just the main account, I do whatever I want on Tenny)

• Making a joke is hard when you're sad

So most of you might know me for my memes. A large part of me is driven by the positive reception you've given me, and I'll be eternally grateful for all your support, but that changed when all the above happened.

I've been agonizing over how I feel about all this, and scrolling through X (formerly twitter) just made me feel worse. I couldn't wring a good joke out of me. I couldn't make other people laugh when I couldn't make myself laugh. I didn't *want* to make when some of the people involved were my followers either.

So I stopped.

• The ever creeping shadow of age

I'm 34 this year. I've spent a lot of time on FFXIV, and to be honest, not much else. I don't have a significant other, and I don't do anything but play video games and occasionally hang out with friends for tabletop games. I've got a few projects outside of gposing, but they've been dead in the water for years.

Gposing and making memes take time. It's about 2-3 hours on average to make one, and that's if I already have a set piece ready. It's another hour to look around locations in-game, or who knows how many hours if I'm building my own. Because of work, that sometimes means I have to gpose late at night. Because of gaming, that means I *always* have to gpose late at night. I've been gposing late till 1-3am consistently in 2022, and my sleep schedule is all out of whack because of it.

I *really* don't want gposing to be my legacy.

Gposing comes to me at an opportunity cost. I've still got a few good years left in me, but at some point I need to start thinking about what I want to do, be it saving for retirement, pursuing a passion I've been putting off, or just any plan for the future at all. Maybe I'll finally put my gamedev knowledge to use, maybe I'll delve into the VR scene, maybe I'll learn how to make videos like the young me always wanted to.

But that meant I need to put less time into gposing.

So, the events of the points above was a good opportunity for me to suspend my activities and give myself some time to think about what I want to do in the future. It was clear I needed a break, and I needed a clear head to think things through. Come up with my five-year plan, so to speak. I'm thinking hard about what I want to do in the future.

I'm thinking real hard.

*Real* hard.

(Don't look at my playtime for Armored Core 6)

• Wow, video games are becoming really fun

I don't doubt ffxiv will be my forever game, and I'm glad YoshiP and team have made it so you don't have to play everyday, but holy hell have you seen how many good games have come out over the last 6 years I can't be playing ffxiv all the time you can't make me

Ehem.

Before gposing, video games will always be my main hobby. I have a vested interest in where video games are going, and ho boy are they getting interesting. I can't keep up with all the new terms we're coming up for them, from systemic games to survivor-likes, to Genshin clones being a thing. It's just an ever-changing landscape.

VR gaming is real, we're actually getting a full game from full-priced games, you don't even need to buy individual games anymore, you can play them on a game streaming service, and it's easier to make your own games now more than ever.

Just, wow.

I'd really like to experience all that for myself, so for the past 7 months, I've been playing other games.

A *lot* of other games.

And the biggest thing I've learned through all that is there's a vast and much wider world out there than just the ffxiv community and oh my god what the fuck is the gaming community outside of ffxiv why is it so toxic i can't even-

I'll still be playing ffxiv. Just a lot less. Some things are just irreplacable, y'know?

So there, if you've been wondering where I've been (or where all the memes are), that's the long and long of it. Thanks for reading, and I hope that gives you a sense of where I'm at. Hopefully that covers everything, so-

• CRIPPLING IMPOSTOR SYNDROME

Oh yeah, that.

Wow, I don't know how to tell you guys this, but I am inside a self-deprecating piece of shit who when exposed to other people's work would inadvertently compare myself to them and conclude that "wow, I'm garbage".

It's no secret that I have had no formal art training, or even photography training, or even gposing training if that's a thing, a lot of what I do is self-taught. Just years of trial and error, and mimicking scenes from shows or comic panels I've seen, but I don't have any technical knowledge to know if a picture is 'right' or not. Color theory is completely alien to me before I started learning about them, I was gposing with a blue light filter so everything looked yellow on my end. I don't use mods, so I had to rely on the default models for everything I do. Let's not even talk about photoshop.

And over the years, I've been looking for gpose communities to share my work and see what other people are cooking up. I see it all. Better composition, better colors, better post processing, better poses, better backgrounds, better editing, better...everything. In my mind, everything just looks better than anything I could have done. I know I shouldn't let that get to me, but, y'know

So part of me wanted a smaller audience, somewhere I could curl up in without needing to think to myself 'oh god 3000 people are going to see this post' and think insane things like 'this isn't a 100-likes post' or whatnot. Creator thoughts. Insane thoughts. It was driving me insane.

Some part of me just wanted to post elves. The other part wouldn't 'just' let me post elves. It had to live up to what I've done before, it had to be perfect.

Now I just want to post elves.

• Final (fantasy) thoughts

So barring that last point, that's the thick and thin of it. If you read this far, then wow maybe my composition skills haven't fallen off a cliff just yet. Thank you for reading my jumbled stream of consciousness, and while Tenpenny might not be around anymore, Tenny's always around to talk about elves.

This is me, this post is about why Tenpenny is dead, and this is why I've stepped away from making memes regularly, and content creation in general.

Elezen cute.

Also FUCK the X (formerly Twitter) word limit, I've always hated it omg

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berpendar · 4 months

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How Talking to Strangers on Internet Teach Me a Few Things About Myself

I spent most of my 2023 talking to strangers on the internet — lots of them.

The journey began around April. As a third year university student who participated in independent study program, I had a lot of free time. Aside from working and studying, I didn't have much to do. Just right when the boredom was about to kick in, I downloaded Telegram.

Initially, I installed the app to find out about specific news that was circulating only on this platform. (Don't worry, I wasn't looking for porn, illegal or weird stuffs.) I intended to uninstall the app after I got what I was searching for. But, as I was about to do so, I thought to myself, "Why not try the infamous anonymous chat bot?"

So, I did.

And as you might already expect, I got hooked.

My introduction to Telegram then led me to another discovery and, some may say, addiction.

One day, when I was scrolling through Twitter, I came across discussions about an unfamiliar app called Voisa. According to people, it's like the call version of the anonymous chat bot. Intrigued, I promptly installed the app and, to my surprise, it felt so much more convenient that I stopped using the anonymous chat bot altogether.

But that's the thing with anonymous chat bot and application like Voisa. You can meet various people from different regions, countries, or even continents. If you're interested, you can exchange social media information with the person you're talking to. After that, you can choose to continue the conversation or end it and return to your real life activities. Or you can look for another strangers to converse with if you haven't had enough. These apps are incredibly convenient to use.

A nice way to kill time, to escape the boredom, to fill the void.

I don't talk to strangers everyday though, obviously. I only do it whenever I have the time and energy to deal with people I have no initial knowledge about who they are and what they're capable of doing during the short time we're in contact.

You see, there are a lot of strange people in this world, and I've met a few of them thanks to these apps. Aside from perverted individuals, I've had experiences talking to people I wouldn't even bother to interact with in real life. There are those who refuse to listen to what the other person has to say, individuals who adopt the 'I'm much older than you, I have lived much longer than you, and you're a girl much younger than me; so you should listen to me' attitude, and the 'Damn, we click so much. Is this destiny? Seems like I don't have to look anywhere else for a bride. I want you' type of guy. The list can go on. All in all, I've had my fair share of encountering unpleasant experiences there.

And yet, despite the peculiar and occasionally unpleasant encounters I've had, I never grow tired of talking to strangers and continue to use the app.

The main reason to explain my situation is I'm simply bored and lonely. Hence, I seek some social stimulations. Another reason is that the more I interact with other people, the more I learn about myself.

Sometimes I talk to a person, be it my friend or people I just know, and they ask me this type of question: "What's your type in men?"

Such a simple question, but I always find it's hard to answer.

It's not that I don't have any type or preference. It's just easier for me to point out a few things I dislike instead of the things I like.

I don't like it when a person treats me like an object. I don't appreciate it when someone doesn't want to listen and empathize. I don't take it kindly to someone trying to dictate my thoughts and actions. I'm not keen of a person who interacts with me while imposing preconceived expectations or imaginations about who they think I am.

My experiences of talking to strangers on the internet helps me find the most suitable word to summarize the previous paragraph.

Respect.

I would like to be treated with respect.

I want them to treat me as someone deserving of being listened to, who is capable of experiencing emotions, who lives a different life and therefore has different values, experiences, and approaches compared to them — I want them to treat me like another equal human being.

Sometimes I wonder whether I ask too much for wanting to be treated with respect. However, when I think about it, who doesn't want to be respected? I think it's pretty normal for wanting this type of treatment. It's the bare minimum we tend to forget.

So, with this being said, I would like to remind myself.

If there's someone who makes me feel bad for wanting to be treated with respect, maybe I'm just talking to the wrong person.

#journal #reflection #respect

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sunautsukushi · 9 months

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Part 3 Reading erha 二哈和他的白猫师尊 + Learning Chinese

🎵🍇Good morning!🍇🎶

I would like to thank everyone who liked my previous post and who gave tips on how to improve! It's really motivating =w=

Also thanks to my friend who taught me how to use Tumblr, it's my first time here lol

For anyone new, or those who are unfamiliar with the book I am going through, I have to warn you some scenes are very dark and have NSFW themes. I didn't just choose a bit of angst or a bit of kissing, no this book goes straight to 100 and beyond 🚀 if you don't like that please keep scrolling. The MC is a tyrannical ass wipe who has 311 chapters of redemption ok. This was one of the few books to make me cry where the story and characters are so beautifully written that I am happy to translate everything. We must get through the tough times to enjoy the real romance 🥰

(art 大米小粥炒白菜 @porridge2_ on Twitter)

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

The following sentences don't have anything graphic but do include a few innuendos, so watch out!

TAGS: Xianxia, Rebirth, Action, Conspiracy, Angst, 1?v1 HE, NSFW

WARNINGS: Dubcon, Underage Sex

•─────────•°•❀•°•─────────•

(part 1) 当然，总也有过一些与狗相关的形容，不算太差。比如他那些露水情缘，总是带着几分佯怒，(part 2) 嗔他在榻上腰力如公狗，嘴上甜言勾了人的魂魄，身下凶器夺了卿卿性命，(part 3) 但转眼又去与旁人炫耀，搞得瓦肆间人人皆知他墨微雨人俊器猛，试过的饕足意满，没试过的心弛神摇。

…that the strength of his back was like that of a male dog; honey dripped from his lips luring away the soul, but the weapon down below was robbing the sweetness of her life.

•─────────•°•❀•°•─────────•

VOCABULARY + grammar:

1. 嗔 - to be/get angry - chēn

It sounds similar to the English word "churn". 嗔 is commonly used to express mild or moderate anger. It's not an extremely strong or aggressive term for anger. You might use it in casual conversations to express frustration or annoyance.

2. 榻 - a place where someone rests or sleeps (bed/couch)- tà

3. 腰 - waist - yāo

It refers to the lower part of the back and the area around the waist.

4. 力 - strength/power - lì

Often used in compound words related to strength, power or ability.

5. 如 - like/ as - rú

如 is commonly used to create similes or comparisons. It helps draw parallels between two things or concepts.

如 + 同/像 tóng/xiàng + Subject of Comparison + (Adjective/Verb/Description)

e.g. 如同 + 清晨的鸟鸣… "Like the morning birdsong…"

Note that 如 can also be used without 同/像 to indicate a comparison, but including them helps make the comparison more explicit.

比如 - for example - bǐ rú (same as 例如 lìrú)

如同 - as - rú tóng

6. 公 - public/ common/ male animal (this case) - gōng

7. 嘴 - mouth (opening) - zuǐ

Why use 嘴 instead of 口?

嘴 emphasise + focus on mouth as a physical feature, more specific shape, movement e.g. 嘴唇 (zuǐ chún): Lips, 嘴角 (zuǐ jiǎo): Corners of the mouth

嘴 commonly used when discussing emotions, expressions e.g. 嘴上甜言 (sweet words spoken by mouth), 嘴硬 (stubborn in speech)

口 is more general, commonly used for speaking, eating, drinking, or breathing + used when counting people (e.g., 三口人, "three people").

8. 甜 - sweet (flavour/ emotions) - tián

9. 言 - words/speech - yán

10. 勾 - hook/ captivate - gōu

11. 魂魄 - soul + spirit - hún pò

灵魂 (líng hún): This is a more commonly used term for "soul" in everyday language.

12. 凶 - fierce/ cruel - xiōng

13 器 - tool/ weapon - qì 🌭

14. 夺 - to snatch/ to seize - duó

15.卿卿 - poetic way to address - qīng qīng

Used to refer to a beloved or a person of affection. It's a way of expressing deep emotional attachment and love.

16. 性命 - life/ existence - xìng mìng

Used in more serious or dramatic contexts where the concept of life and its fundamental nature is being emphasized. In this sentence, the life is the center of attention.

OVERALL NOTES:

I was told it would be good to invest in a special book with squares so I can write my characters more correctly, so I will try to get that soon (delivery might take a while though so you will have to bear with me for now).

I got so happy because yesterday I was scrolling through Instagram and someone reposted some screenshots of Heaven's Official Blessing manhua and I understood some new words from just reading 2 sentences from this book!? exciting stuff :D

#erha #erha he ta de bai mao shizun #mo ran #chinese #linguistics #language #grammar #二哈和他的白猫师尊 #二哈

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slayyyter · 7 months

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Daily routine (hard)

I wake up at 5:30 am, eat a bowl of generic brand cereal with 2%, go to the nearest 24/7 tanning salon (fake if i want to look orange today, real if i want to have cancer when im 40ntoday). I go to the grocery store to get my usual daily needs (snacks & other ephermera). I do my simple 2000s trashy snooki inspired makeup and spray hairspray inside my mouth so my sucked in stomach can keeps it's shape (it never works but i still try + i love the flavour). I get dressed in my nirvana tee and a next season plaid Vivienne Westwood Skirt with a pair of cute thrifted St. Laurent boots. Then i walk towards the bus station. I get on the bus with the most amount of people inside so more people can see how good i look today (and everyday). I usually use my wired earphones to listen to inspirational music to get me ready for school (the parappa soundtrack or notorious k.i.m by lil kim). I met up with my two male egg friends and all the girls who think they're my friend but they rlly aren't🙄. I usually write down whatever i can off the board for like 3 hours before excusing myself and leaving halfway through the day. While walking away i write the most horrible hot take on twitter so i can get the twitter blue money. I arrive at the nearest gaming themed bar that doesn't card and sneak in 2-3 tequila shots to get me ready for the rest of my day. I arrive home and go right into a warm bath in my beach themed bathroom. I put on a pair of flamingo sunglasses and a whimsical straw hat as i pretend im in hawaii. I dry myself using 5 hair dryers then I go to my walk-in closet and dress in a baggy t-shirts and jeans combo and hide a messy bun under a ball cap. I have sucessfully disguised myself as a twink. I arrive back at school just in time for the last period of the day (i moonlight as a male exchange student named Kevin Kiernan, who they don't even suspect as me bc im such a genius of taking an american accent). I finish school and take a ride to the mall from the rich mean girl who's totally into me.i eat my lunch (taco bell or del taco) with her, stop at mcdonalds for a quick promoshoot (i am the face of mcdonalds cosmetics) then i go to the paid Mall gym to exercise for 1 hour. I walk home and go to bed (it's 3:30 PM). I wake up at 5:30, do my homework then spend the rest on my day watching 1990s-2000s rom coms or pre-code dramas until 8:00, then i start a twitch stream and just ramble for 2 hours while scrolling tumblr to my 10k or so viewers. I brush my teeth and do my skin are routine. I go to sleep at 10:00 exactly, if i can't i'll go at 11:00.

Before judging me

#me

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shinystars-stuff · 1 year

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Hello everyone. It has been 9 months.

I apologize for no longer posting but my mood for Tumblr came to a downhill and so I just stopped posting. I moved on to Twitter, YouTube, TikTok, Pinterest, and Discord.

Well… let’s just say… I’m doing a shit ton better on those platforms.

I came back today and only today to update you guys on how much my life has changed.

So nine months ago… that was before I graduated, which would mean that would be February. Jesus, this is about to be long.

So February 28th of this year, I ended a one-year relationship with a boy only to get with someone else. Now, keep in mind that both of these relationships were online. When I got with the new boy, my behavior and actions started to change. We tended to fight a lot and I made him upset quite a lot just as he made me upset. Well, July 18th, he had enough of my lying and my behavior that he broke up with me. Oh yeah, I skipped something important. I graduated on May 28th! 👩‍🎓👩‍🎓

I was pretty upset over the breakup and I stayed single for a while until drama happened and I got with somebody else. I realized how stupid I was and I called off the relationship. My family situation has worsened. A few months ago, my brother officially came back to live with us after his girlfriend cheated on him. He’s been a total pain in the ass, btw.

Me and my brother hardly get along, but the good news is that we are semi-bonding now these days. My mom’s leg situation has worsened for she can hardly stand up now these days. My uncle… he got a rare disease and might not be making it for much longer, plus I’ve lost a lot of family members as of late. I luckily have my Switch to keep me distracted and well organized.

Well- after I graduated high school, I found out that I have social anxiety. I was placed on an anti-depressant pill and bumped up more on my ADHD medication. My parents have been nagging at me to get a job, but with the shit I see happening in life today, plus the things I hear from my family, why would I even want to work in a society like this?! Also, my whole family thinks they have the right to say that I should get a job when I take the fucking trash out, I get shit like drinks and stuff for them, I bring in all the god damn groceries, I check on them everyday. I do the shit willingly and never get asked to be fucking paid!

Let’s uh- change the topic for now. So- well- I’m still making videos and stuff. However, my original TikTok got banned over a dispute with a best friend and uh- I lost three friends by them ghosting me. My videos have actually really improved. In fact, I have them right here.

Well, I only have this one, but this is my biggest and longest working one. This one took me three hours. I mostly make edits on TikTok but on Discord, I have a little roleplay server :3

My Twitter and YouTube, plus Twitter stays quiet most of the time because usually I’ll just scroll and save videos and stuff on the platforms.

My proudest moment and my best moment of this year is this photo right above this. If you don’t know who that is, that is me and a VO actor known as Bob Carter. Bob Carter is in many animes, but when I looked at the top of his poster, my world changed. As you know, I am a huge Fullmetal Alchemist fan and the character he played was Izumi’s husband, Sig Curtis.

I was legit amazed and he was absolutely friendly. I asked him for a hug and he gladly accepted it because I told him I had watched the anime a million times. I really wanted to show him an FMA edit I made, but I was too excited to show him. I even got to meet the singer for Sailor Moon, only to look later and find out that Bob photobombed it XD

So yeah, even though I’ve gone through a lot of shit this year, I’ve had a pretty good year. Anyways, I think I’m going to go ahead and finish off the post here.

Thank you guys for supporting me on Tumblr. If you wish to add me on Discord or anything, my Tumblr ask-box and messages are still open, so feel free to. I love you guys. Thank you for giving me a home.

#arcane #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #fma #sailor moon #edit #arcane edit #life #update

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disabledcole · 1 year

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okay seeing as tumblr is looking to be the Friend Place™ again i really need to get past my many neuroses abt tumblr so I Will Post This If It Kills Me

this is gonna be a weird infodump about my brain problems just to try and trick my brain into being normal so like. feel free to ignore this lmao

i have been on tumblr for a literal decade now and this is my third main account (i think its like 7 years old now?) and i literally use it every day i just have Problems abt reblogging rip. like im Sure this started w a social anxiety thing, im constantly stressed about people Judging me for my blogs not being Perfect, like everything has to be perfectly tagged, post order Really matters like i cant have the same fandom twice in a row and there has to be a good variety of text to picture to art posts etc and its so STRESSFUL

i only managed to escape this on twitter by having a locked account and even then i stopped tweeting regularly for a few years

and then its like. i have a System of blogs and how i post and it goes- like post > sort through likes and put posts into different blogs drafts > unlike post (so i can keep track of what part of the process each post is on) > in drafts add appropriate tags to post > queue posts in appropriate order

and like! thats a whole deal! and THEN i had to go and fucking add a competionist element where i have all these sideblogs for various fandoms and i feel like i have to reblog All the posts for those fandosm (which is fucking stupid) but especially if i find a fanartist i like i have to reblog All of their art! but not all once in a row bc theyll judge me! so they sit in my likes/drafts until i build myself up to sorting it out for a while and manage to queue a whole load of posts at once in bursts til i get overwhelmed again

and a few months ago i had a meltdown bc i got so overwhelmed by my tumblr bullshit brain things and mum pointed out id gotten obsessive about doing everything Perfectly and it Wasnt Good for me (which seems like it should be obvious but hey) so i decided to take a break. but i still scroll tumblr everyday so ive still been doing the first step in my process which is to add the post to my likes so theyve been building up and up and i havent reblogged anything in months and [starts crying]

so yeah my autism has really fucked me over here. ive really shot myself in the foot. bc all of this is so fucking stupid and i know it and arghgh!!

#Brain Be Normal When #like ive got almost 8k likes and almost over 2k drafts for my main blog alone #have 2k drafts each for my asoiaf blog and my dragon age blog and a SEPERATE blog for dragon age ocs #my harry potter sideblog also has 2k drafts before i soft-abandoned it #and All Of This Is Tasks #anyway. baby steps

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tobe-sogolden · 2 years

Note

Hello! I’ve looked through your blog a couple times, as I’m trying to find other harries of color to interact with about Harry, and I have a question but I hope it doesn’t come across the wrong way as I am genuine. Why do you keep up with what larries, deuxmoi, and what you call “pr harries” are saying about Olivia and Harry? If I’m understanding your replies to the asks that you get on the topic, these things make you very upset, which is understandable. But is constantly complaining (sorry if that’s harsh I can’t think of a better word for what I’m observing) in response to the latest rumor or hissy fit about them being spotted together any healthier for you and your anons/followers? Doesn’t that just distract from talking about what you actually enjoy? I used to often check accounts from known big larries or Harry haters as yeah, it was funny observing the immense cognitive dissonance, but eventually it became less fun and more mentally exhausting to do so much doom scrolling when I could just…block and ignore them, y’know? I’ve also deleted twitter, cause that’s just another head ache, and with some curating of my dash I’m mostly blissfully unaware of what’s going on Harry’s personal life. But if I chance upon your blog, suddenly I’m aware of the terrible things being said about Olivia everyday by people who are dug into their own narratives about Harry and likely aren’t going to change without real help. I’m just curious if this is fun or cathartic for you and your anons to be stuck in this seemingly self imposed cycle of always seeing negativity about Olivia and focusing on that, rather than talking about the fun things?

To be honest, I try to not keep up with it. I don't ever seek out the information on my own and I prefer to stay ignorant if possible. But it inevitably ends up in my orbit (I probably need to delete twitter too 🥴) and (1) I'm very triggered by people spreading misinformation and physically cannot shut my mouth if I see it lol and (2) I really hate for the naysayers to be the only voices. I feel like just ignoring it and not calling it out or providing a rational alternative to their insane bs is what's allowed this behavior to become so commonplace and accepted in this fandom and I hate that. I would say like 85% of the time it's more funny than truly annoying to me and like 15% of the time I get genuinely angry over it and then I just take a little break and remind myself it's not that serious 😆 and no I don't find that it distracts me from talking about fun things! I know that might seem like that's all I'm doing lately but that's only bc tumblr is so dead these days so I literally just log on, answer messages, and then log back off bc there's usually like 5 new posts on my dash from the last like 12 hours so not much else to do 💀 but rest assured I'm still listening to the album on repeat and enjoying myself 😌

#ask #if you ever see me getting genuinely mad over something it's usually bc im stressed about smth in real life #or about to start my period lol #i have really really terrible pms #and also like even though sometimes i dont like when people bring stuff here bc im like wow i wish i didnt know that 😃#i also get that some people just want to vent and im okay with entertaining it for now #if it ever starts getting to be too much i just wouldnt do it

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f3lkloretales · 1 month

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day one of blogging (17/03/2024 but past midnight on 18th already)

what a great start. it seems i have started this on the right day? lol

first things first, day one of blogging does not mean i will be going at it everyday because i know myself, commitment is difficult

you know who else has difficulties with committing? my ex, anyways.

im doing this because writing everything out is always relieving to me, especially in a public space bcs i have the sense someone will see it and find it comforting or just be like ‘well, fuck.’

it’ll also be a good overview of my emotions/things that happen bcs i have no short term memory anymore + will help bpd/therapy which is the biggest goal

chile if you know me irl you don’t, but if you do yes i am always healing and still dealing with my ex somehow lol

special shoutout to bella for helping me get through the initial shock phase <3

the day started off really shit. my mouse broke which meant i couldnt edit or just be on my pc, for me thats a disaster on another scale. my family kept bothering me and im pretty sure i was having an anger outburst which ngl understandable

i think i spent a good time walking passively agressively around the house softly crying because i was so frustrated with everything/everyone

then i did get saved by a mouse which instantly made me have faith in humanity again (small splitting happened there i think)

last night i had the idea of making a ‘carrd’ to have a fun overview of me as a person for twitter because twitter has really been my happy place tho i think im taking that back after today lmao

so i spent most of the morning looking for templates and contemplating buying pro lite (9 dollars for a year) because most of the sexy templates needed pro lite

eventually i gave in bcs i found a discount code and only had to pay 5.25 (thank you jesus)

then i spent until like 1pm making a carrd for my twitter and i wish i was joking. i put way too much info on there. i also made a carrd for my editing stuff bcs my old editing carrd looked ugly, and then put them together and tadaaa carrds were made

im curious to see if i will keep them up or will have an episode where i freak out bcs everything in my life is online and then delete it all

then i started making an edit to ‘about you’ by the 1975 bcs WELL. the past 2 weeks or so have been me coping with what happened between us (again.) and i had been missing them so much

then we started cryptically tweeting at each other and i was too far gone n about you is rlly my coping song for the whole situation. i started editing twelve and clara to it bcs thats what doctor who ship i associate us the most with

i ended up finishing just compiling the clips but idk if i really like it - in the evening i did add the simple transitions so in the morning i can make it more complicated if i feel like it but idk what to expect from myself tomorrow

after a bit of editing i took a bath which was basically delusional yearn dancing to songs and then i started getting in heat so i did something about that. nothing wrong with that but it was the first time in 5 months my thoughts slipped to my ex during and i didn’t stop it

after i didnt regret it that much because i had sent the whole we should make a foundation so we can be together in the future thing so i was like you know whatever but i still had an ew moment

then after i edited, stalked them, edited, watched a bit of the eras tour movie with my mom (it was surprisingly okay if we ignore the fact i was crying every other song)

then food came around which was terrible bcs my mom was drunk as fuck and she kept trying to love talk me and it was just manipulation - i was watching tubbo during it so that did help

then after food more editing and kinda just scrolling twitter

then it all started

my ex hadnt been active anywhere and i was genuinely getting concerned if they were okay so i decided to check their insta story

i saw they were at a musical with the girl i saw them with last month

i tried to be chill first. after all the reason i even mailed them about the foundation thing is bcs i genuinely thought that what i saw last month was not real

i had convinced myself she needed comforting and the girl with her just took that upon her

more spiralling and it started to hit me that they might actually be together bcs wtf, then i was like wait, the music they have been listening to is literally background music constantly and they havent gotten home so they are still with that person (i know allnof this bcs of pure routine that is stomped into my brain i swear)

then i got really fuckingn jealous and i decided to look at that girls story bcs surely she mentioned my exes story and there it was; the word girlfriends.

i havent felt that in a long time, just instantly my entire world collapsing and it feeling like i should just die in that instant

it felt just like that december

i am not prepared to start from scratch with healing again bcs right now im just denialing and i dont realise what happened yet

everything started slotting together even more, i *stupidly* replied to her cryptic tweets being like WTF u have a girlfriend and shit but i dont think the gf knows or cares and has been fed the narrative i am simply batshit crazy

which makes me want to throw up but oh well

then i remembered her coming up in conversations with us and that probably means this went on while we were even still a thing

so i started writing a mail

n you know i did what i do (freak out)

i really hope this girl just doesnt know and isnt like my ex, and if she is thats just a dangerous duo the world isnt ready for

im just so scared of not getting believed

and i bet my ex just constantly says they have bpd its that and sjskdk god im gonna cry now

i sent them receipts as well on mail and deleyed the tweets but they havent been active anywhere im scared the girl wont know but im also scared of what would happen if i dmed them

this is genuinely going to set back my mental health by so much :,)))

i though i had it for a second, as i always do

i loved her

so much

i dont want to go to sleep bcs i know ill dream all cozy about them and ill wake up, ill have forgotten what happened and then its all gonna hit me in the face and likely send me into an episode where i try to find a fp

but i truly dont want that i want to heal by myself i am just in such a bad situation for that i dont know what to do

and these feelings are going to swallow me and make me want to genius k*ll myself

i might post more in a bit. i cant go on tiktok (its all sad breakup things), twitter is wrong, nothing to watch on youtube, cant listen to music

and its going to be like that for a long time

i cant believe i tried to owe up to all my mistakes if she goes and does that

i bet what she says to herself is i would go insane if she had someone but she literally lied to me and lead me on thats so much worse

if you see this i wish you a genuine go fuck yourself

to you and your girl

see you in a bit tumblr

#vent #blog post

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thoughtsofacunt · 2 months

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September 7, 2023

I’m having suicidal thoughts again. This scares me. So often all I feel is that I’m a burden to others and all that I do is make others unhappy and don’t add any value being here. If I was gone, I wouldn’t add so much stress and unhappiness to others lives. I thought again about going and getting the shot gun and shooting myself out on the deck while the dogs were going to the bathroom. Less mess to clean up and I would go out in the place that brings me peace. I can’t say or do anything right for a long time now and I really feel like everyone would be doing better if I was no longer a bother and around to annoy them or make them upset or angry. Everyday it feels like John regrets asking me to come back. It feels like I’ve ruined his life by being present and being me. Why would he want me alive if all I do is bring him discomfort and unhappiness and take him from his family and being able to openly see and talk to her and anyone else he wants to pursue. I am just a daily reminder that he can’t live the life he wants to as all I do is hold him back and serve as a burden and a pain in his life. It would be better if I wasn’t seen, heard, or alive. I feel so often that I am loved when I add value, which isn’t often or so it feels. It feels like he loses all love for me when I upset him. It feels like Love for me is conditional and if I’m being myself, I am not loved and not worth being loved. This all weighs too heavy on me and just makes me want to be rid of being an inconvenience and one more thing to deal with. It felt really shitty being at my appointment today. There was nothing there for me. Now he doesn’t have to chauffeur me around. But it felt so cold to have him just sitting there, scrolling through twitter while meeting with the doctor. That told me that he didn’t care and didn’t want to be there for or with me. I was inconveniencing him and his time. He had better things to do and be a part of. It so often feels like all of the wonderful people and things out there in the cyber world are worth his time, but not me and what’s going on in the moment and in our world. This really fucks with my mind and makes me feel like I’m just existing but for what. I guess to do the laundry and clean up some around the house.

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karasa · 3 months

Text

The Philosophy of Doing; How the Girl Scouts Saved My Sanity

Originally Published April 9th, 2021

The Philosophy of Doing; How the Girl Scouts Saved My Sanity

To do is to be. Be active, be respected, be wonderful. To do anything is to commit yourself to what you’re doing, whether you care about it or not. I’ve never been much of a do-er.

Maybe, yes, I did a lot and arguably too much in high school, I do extracurriculars and I do my homework on occasion. But it never felt like Doing Anything. It’s always felt like work, like a chore. I wasn’t really doing anything persay, but rather I was on autopilot, doing what others told me, but not necessarily doing for myself.

This feeling of inadequacy, of lackluster personality traits and hobbies came in strong during the period of time I’ve been social distancing. It pushed me to ask: what do I do? My partner frequently goes out for bike rides or roller skates around the neighborhood, he holds meetings with group members to finish up assignments, cooks me dinner when he finds a good recipe, and talks to his friends everyday. I can’t say I’ve ever felt as fulfilled as he does at the end of the day, because I don’t do much. After classes I’m in bed for at least 2 hours, scrolling through twitter with a Youtube video in the background and a snack within arm’s reach.

I used to paint with my friends when they invited me to, host movie nights or dinner parties, help my friends with their various helping hand chores and go out to the club almost every weekend. But without friends to do anything, I realized that I don’t really do much at all.

I’ve always been an ambitious person, with my life plan mapped out by 7 years old and still following the plan as I turn 24. I’ve dipped my toes into a few different ponds along the way: graphic design, costume design, pastry arts, spoken word, film critiques, activism, education, drag…. The list stretches for miles in all of the things I’ve tried to do. But have I ever succeeded?

Without knowing what I do on a daily basis, I instead turned my attention to the question, “what can I do?” I was disappointed at the results. While I *can* do a number of things, My self-confidence in these fields is low, because I’ll never be able to convince myself that I can do any of them particularly well. I don’t do anything because I’m afraid of not doing well enough.

Enter: the girl scouts.

Many of the memories I have from elementary school draw up scenes of seeing my teacher at the grocery store, and feeling the same feeling of embarrassment and nerves when I ran into one of my classmates behind a girl scout cookie booth. While this quiet judgement manifested itself into me seeing the Girl Scouts as a child labor cult until rather recently, I’ve always felt envious. All of those girls who meet for snacks and seminars on Thursday nights, they’re doing something with their life. They have a journey set out in front of them, everything that they do is geared towards making them a better person. And so in April I realized: I can probably do that too.

A lot of my friends during this time in isolation are venturing on things they’ve never done before: writing more, baking bread, cooking meals, spending $60 to be in debt to a raccoon. But at first, not much for me had changed. I was still in school, still in a relationship, still spent at least 3 hours after classes in bed. I tried new recipes and enjoyed posting them on Instagram, but after one of my close friends passed, my inspiration was lost to continue that. And it never felt substantial anyway. Working for 3 hours to post 1 picture does not come with a satisfaction guarantee. While my partner shoots into the kitchen for seconds, I can’t help but judge what I’ve made as not good enough.

I started thinking about different hobbies I could do that wouldn’t take up a lot of space or cost too much. Because of all of the changes that have affected me, I’m having to pay rent without a job, and my partner and I have stuffed our lives into a bedroom that we can lay down in and touch each of the four walls. I stumbled across an old page of notes from a seminar I attended in the fall titled “Goal Setting” and I thought about how difficult it is to follow through with passion projects. That dream that we have one night that kicks us out of bed and onto the workbench fades over time. We forget details of our vision, we start to prioritize other things. Soon enough the project gets shoved into the corner while other things in life take charge, and once that happens, I can’t say that I’ve ever had the willpower to go back.

The girl scout idea came to me when I thought about one of the first and most relaxed grocery trips I’ve had in Ohio. A harrowing mirror of my elementary school days, there was a girl scout with her mother standing right in between the entrance and exit of the store. Her mom waved us over, promising that they took all methods of payment including venmo, and the little girl smiled as she started to stack up our cookies.

“What’s your favorite badge?” I smiled. I kind of hate kids but my partner really wants them in our future, so i’m trying to get better at relating to the youth.

“This one.” she pointed to a circular badge with a rocketship on it.

“Cool! Is it your favorite because of how you earned it, or because of how it looked?”

“It looks really cool. But my favorite thing to do was this one!” she spun her sash so we could see another intricate badge on the back.

“Woah! That's awesome.” I was ready to ask her more questions, about how she got it and what else she liked to do in Girl Scouts. But our transaction was complete, and while I’m proud of myself for actually holding a conversation with like, a 9 year old, I suddenly felt red in the face for being so interested in something made for little kids.

We thanked the duo and continued into the store, but for some reason I haven’t stopped thinking about that conversation.

So I got curious. After not really doing much for 6 weeks, I hopped onto the girl scout website. They had all of their badges on a neat little pdf, where I could see all of the hardwork it takes to rise up the ranks and continue to be a part of this organization. To my surprise, only a few of the badges that you’re able to earn are about the cookie sales. I started perusing the badge explorer page, and found that some of the badges are kind of badass. Without even realizing it, I started taking stock of all the badges I’d like to complete. Some are fitness focused, which makes sense because I’ve been putting off getting in shape. Some are focused on Financial Literacy, and encourage researching smaller things that we were never really taught throughout life. I jumped out of bed and raced to my partner. “I’m going to be a girl scout.” I beamed, full superman pose with no pants on. “You’re non-binary.” he replied, barely looking up from his sandwich. “Then I’ll be a Star Scout.” I shot back. He smiled.

“Good Luck!”

I’ve never felt such a ferocious drive for a project, and perhaps that’s because I’m well aware of the fact that I can go at my own pace. My goal is to earn 23 badges by the end of the pandemic. I created a task list for each badge I want to earn, which equals out to about 99 tasks that I expect to complete. Having this task list feels so much more empowering than the 3 to-do lists I keep for school, for housework, and for my personal life. I don’t need to worry about the deadline, I don’t have anything to prove to anyone. The only thing I have to do is Do.

My motivation levels vary. With bipolar disorder, it happens frequently that my drive for something can run so rampantly that I forget to sleep, while other times i can barely manage to eat something that doesn’t come straight out of a box. There is a task for every energy level I may have. Everything that I am planning to do is something that I want to do. I would like to write a screenplay, I want to break a bad habit, I would very much like to know how to make a first-aid kit. All of these tasks are such wonderfully simple things that I don’t wake up feeling stressed about what I have to do, but instead I wake up, go to my checklist and say “what do I get to do today?” the feeling is indescribable. It’s comfort, it’s accomplishment, it’s pride, it’s Something. Honestly, I can’t judge myself for not doing well enough because it’s so absurd to begin with. I personally can’t tell you how many 20-year olds are scrolling through the girl scout’s website after a couple margaritas, and I don’t care. This isn’t a contest with my peers. I don’t have to worry about not doing as well as someone else, or not doing well at all, because I make my own rules! Hell, I’m the one who's gonna be embroidering the damn badges for myself, so I better feel like I’ve earned it before I put in that work!! The tasks aren’t graded. They’re not meant to prove anything to anyone aside to show you a new side of life and show that you’ve learned something from your experiences. Already, I’ve learned so much, even if it is just how to take the first steps towards writing something I’ve always wanted, but have never known how.

It’s always felt silly to worry about what the future will be like 10 years from now, but I can never help but wonder. Would my life be different if I went to grad school? What if I get divorced? Am I still going to live in the United States? It feels like I’m already so sure that my life will be full of regrets, because my expectations will never match reality. I can ponder and hypothesize all I want, but I will never know what 2024 is like until I’m there. I doubt that 7 year old me would’ve expected me to join the scouts after all this time. It’s a hard truth that I often have trouble facing, but I know that as long as I do something, I’ll be doing the right thing. Consider this your sign: If you wanted to do something but you weren’t sure about it; do it. Be active, be respected, be wonderful. You can do it! I believe in you.

#words #pandemic diaries #personal growth #girl scouts

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ilycupid · 6 months

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Growing up, something that always kept me sane was writing. So im using tumblr as a way to keep that commitment to myself. To those are reading, I think it's pointless for me to sit here and explain myself and do an introduction. Im sure you'll find more about me as you read on...if you choose to do so. Something I really want to write about...talk about is how I dont think I can feel a damn thing anymore. YES this is cliche im aware. I dont think I could feel anymore damned as much as I do right now. I have such a blank mind, something chaotic could happen right now infront of me and id sleep like a baby. No, thats not always a good thing. The person im talkikng to could leave right now and I wouldnt be affected by it all. My frineds could leave me and i'd be okay. I think my response time could be delayed and i'd get these intense thoughts, stuck in atrance almost but then ill snpa back out of it andcontinue on to function. SO i retract my statement, yes i think i can feel but it's disorganized. #disprganzedattachmentstyletings Maybe my goal is to heal this? I want to start rocessing and feeling things beyond surface level, I want to feel all of it and everythtng and go through the motions, becuase the back and fourth between the two is fucking ya girl up in the head. Suggestions? lol

One thing im focused on right now is getting into a routine, and I understand this will take a while but I think this will help me ground myself and create some type of foundation for myself. My goal is to accoplish something I want to do everyday, focusing on keeping promises to myself. I tend to get lost in the things around me, i hate tik tok because I vcould be having a horrible day and next thing you know I get bored and I start scrolling its like I cant stop. (yes ive set timers and restraints, ill ignore them) the shit means actually nothing to me. Time means nothing to me . This is something that really affects the flow of my routines. I want to delete it...and most times I do but then i miss it or feel fomo so then i get it back and its sooo unnecessary, ugh! Maybe I will for a month? Only have appys such as twitter and tumblr because it encorages reading and writing in a way lol?

Okay im signung out, hopefully i come back soon.

cupids signing out.

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