#i also get that some people just want to vent and im okay with entertaining it for now
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Hello! I’ve looked through your blog a couple times, as I’m trying to find other harries of color to interact with about Harry, and I have a question but I hope it doesn’t come across the wrong way as I am genuine. Why do you keep up with what larries, deuxmoi, and what you call “pr harries” are saying about Olivia and Harry? If I’m understanding your replies to the asks that you get on the topic, these things make you very upset, which is understandable. But is constantly complaining (sorry if that’s harsh I can’t think of a better word for what I’m observing) in response to the latest rumor or hissy fit about them being spotted together any healthier for you and your anons/followers? Doesn’t that just distract from talking about what you actually enjoy? I used to often check accounts from known big larries or Harry haters as yeah, it was funny observing the immense cognitive dissonance, but eventually it became less fun and more mentally exhausting to do so much doom scrolling when I could just…block and ignore them, y’know? I’ve also deleted twitter, cause that’s just another head ache, and with some curating of my dash I’m mostly blissfully unaware of what’s going on Harry’s personal life. But if I chance upon your blog, suddenly I’m aware of the terrible things being said about Olivia everyday by people who are dug into their own narratives about Harry and likely aren’t going to change without real help. I’m just curious if this is fun or cathartic for you and your anons to be stuck in this seemingly self imposed cycle of always seeing negativity about Olivia and focusing on that, rather than talking about the fun things?
To be honest, I try to not keep up with it. I don't ever seek out the information on my own and I prefer to stay ignorant if possible. But it inevitably ends up in my orbit (I probably need to delete twitter too 🥴) and (1) I'm very triggered by people spreading misinformation and physically cannot shut my mouth if I see it lol and (2) I really hate for the naysayers to be the only voices. I feel like just ignoring it and not calling it out or providing a rational alternative to their insane bs is what's allowed this behavior to become so commonplace and accepted in this fandom and I hate that. I would say like 85% of the time it's more funny than truly annoying to me and like 15% of the time I get genuinely angry over it and then I just take a little break and remind myself it's not that serious 😆 and no I don't find that it distracts me from talking about fun things! I know that might seem like that's all I'm doing lately but that's only bc tumblr is so dead these days so I literally just log on, answer messages, and then log back off bc there's usually like 5 new posts on my dash from the last like 12 hours so not much else to do 💀 but rest assured I'm still listening to the album on repeat and enjoying myself 😌
#ask#if you ever see me getting genuinely mad over something it's usually bc im stressed about smth in real life#or about to start my period lol#i have really really terrible pms#and also like even though sometimes i dont like when people bring stuff here bc im like wow i wish i didnt know that 😃#i also get that some people just want to vent and im okay with entertaining it for now#if it ever starts getting to be too much i just wouldnt do it
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this hasn’t been proof read or anything at all i just wanted to go on a vent about wilbur because hes made me so fucking angry and disgusted
i dont want to talk about it, (i proceeded to go on a rant sorry) but to say at the least im so disgusted and disappointed by this and feel so utterly angry upset and betrayed
honestly i REALLY used to look up to wilbur and it hurts me to say it now. he inspired so much from me, i started learning guitar to be like him and learn lovejoy songs, i spent HOURS APON HOURS watching his vods and videos and streaming his music, i made fanart of him, i watched edits and read fanfics (by my mutuals) of him, his fandom supplied me so much JOY and COMFORT, i gained so many true and real friends through his community, he helped me so so much, he made me happy, he gave me comfort, he was my safe space, and the fact after all this he hurt someone, he ABUSED someone hurts ME too.
and to SHELBY, SHUBBLE!! of ALL people (nobody deserves abuse but im just saying that) shelby is SO lovely and SO sweet and kind to everyone, i grew up watching ldshadowlady, smallishbeans, shubble, grian, geminitay, mumbo jumbo and other minecraft youtubers of that sort, i grew up watching shubble
and the fact wilbur, the person who encouraged me and helped me get through so much, HURT, PHYSICALLY HURT, this girl i held close to my heart as a GOOD part of my childhood makes me genuinely want to sob.
a person who (prior to my knowledge of the abuse) gave me comfort and friends and laughter and intrests, hurt someone who built who i am today, hurt someone who was a major part of my childhood, hurt someone who didn’t fucking deserve to get hurt
and not to mention his mother fucking ‘apology’ that was NOT an apology, “ohhhh ive changed ive had therapyyyy wooahhh” and “im genuinely sorry that i hurt you shelby i should never have been such a disgusting piece of scum, i dont expect you or anyone to accept this apology but i truely am sorry (+ more real apologies)” are VERY different
and the fact he’s saying HE had therapy, like good for you whore. good for you. guess what?!?! shubble went to therapy too xx you know why?? because of the pain YOU caused her because of the physical and mental pain you left her with. even if you have changed, which you clearly havent as i can tell from your apology, DOES NOT mean she isnt and wasnt hurt
and all the people defending him, “oh innocent until proven guilty right??” “is there any hard evidence? how do we know its true” “he apologised, everyone makes mistakes” no. NO. that is NOT how it works, this is domestic abuse, and in aimsey’s words this isnt some fucking twitter drama that will blow over in a few days, this is real life, this is real people
content creators are NOT just entertainment for you to enjoy as if your watching some dumb anime, content creators are REAL people who make REAL mistakes (as does everyone, although some peoples mistakes are worse than others *cough cough wilbur cough cough*) and their CRIMES should be accounted for as such, cc’s will put on a mask, cc’s will give you a fake persona, because its ENTERTAINMENT!! the things you see are just entertainment, and just because thats all you get to see doesnt mean thats who they are behind the screen, or off camera
speaking of how cc’s are real people im just gonna quickly mention how they are not just characters you can ‘ship’ for some twisted idea of fun, and i know nobodys gonna read this but its fucking pissing me off, unless these creators have been confirmed dating and they confirmed they are ok with you ‘shipping’ them, DONT DO IT!! even if the cc’s say its okay, eg. dnf (i hate both of those creators but its an example), just because they are comfortable doesnt mean its normal or okay.
also just thinking back to wilburs content with the mindset of ‘fuck he actually abused someone’, he was manipulative and fucked up since the start, its like he wants to be the main character, its like he doesn’t want to consider someone elses feelings unless its on camera and will bring him more fame, i hate that. i hate that so so much.
wilbur has hurt to many people as it turns out, we were just too blinded and naive to see it, to notice it, and that makes me sick
wilbur was such a big inspiration to me as ive mentioned multiple times already, he was such a big inspiration so many of my (online) friends too, he stopped so many people from doing harm to themself, all the while harming someone i used to hold close to my heart (shelby <3)
also the part with how there was a safe word, that HE made, yet wilbur thought it was okay to blatantly just FUCKING IGNORE?? he hurt her MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY!! ignored the safeword and bit down harder MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY!!
he showed her bruises, proudly to their friends, he bit her, proudly in front of their friends, he joked about how it ALMSOT seemed like he abused her!! proudly. in front. of both of their friends.
not to mention the financial abuse was appalling, making her pay for almost all the food, pay for all the cleaning products, pay for all the flight tickets (and refuse to fly to visit her), pay for pretty much everything. she was loosing money, she talked to him about that, she was loosing so much money, he ignored that
and speaking of cleaning products, apparently he told a friend behind shubbles back that he NEVER cleaned when shelby wasnt there, he just waited for shelby to fly over to the uk for visits to clean his home, EVEN WHEN THERE WAS MOLD GROWING he didnt clean it, he waited long enough that SHUBBLE had to fix it SHUBBLE had to clean it
and the fact shelby didnt even tell us HALF what was going on is INSANE!! from what i know already (a limited amount) this is already appalling, im considering leaving the fandom all together and i think i just might (other than aimsey and guqqie) because i cant deal this this, i regret ever supporting him, ever watch his content
wilbur has given everyone so much bullshit for ages we were just to brainwashed by ourselves and our little hyper fixations to realise what a dickhead he is
#wilbur soot#wilbursoot#mcyt#wilbur mcyt#wilbur#shubble#shelby#shelby grace#shubble shelby#shelby shubble
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In response
((OOC
i checked this blog today to make sure it hadnt been deleted and saw a few things in the inbox. i want to clear up a couple of things. if this is the last post to ever hit this blog, so be it, but heres the endcase:
no, i decided not to make the end comic. i wrote this story nine years ago with someone i loved very much. it sort of became a net for my feelings about my loss and addiction. it was messy and weird and put a lot of my perspectives on display. ive been clean for two years now and i think its okay not to tie up this story with a neat end. like stan and kyle, i graduated and i got older and i have a career. thats all it would have been. i would have tried to ascribe some deeper meaning to making a dumb thing in high school, and i would have tried really hard to make it feel like the way things were back then were okay. i dont really feel like revisiting it. comics are hard. it took me a very long time to write and create something that can be read in maybe an afternoon. maybe you just had to be there. by following stan and kyle for as long as it took, you followed me and my coming to grips with being a person. really, this was just longform vent art about whatever dumb bullshit occurs to a high school junior. but i know it helped some people and entertained some other people so, i will be leaving it up. i just dont think ill ever slap a neat bow on it. my story wont have a neat end and neither will stan and kyles.
no, i wont end the craig blog either. i havent logged into that one in a while and i think if tumblr wants to wash it away thats okay. it was a way for me to reclaim some control over a narrative and maybe explore some deeper feelings (surprise, my birth father Also went missing, who knew) but it ultimately didnt amount to much. whatever happened to craig is up to you. my interpretation wasnt liked much anyway, and to have an askblog, you need people to be curious about the premise. i didnt connect as much with it and the frustration associated with running a project like that outweighed whatever i got out of it. i still dont know what that was.
anyway. i moved onto writing dnd campaigns and i am still alive. i still make art sometimes. i still get anxious when i see the inbox notifs, but these days, 9 times out of 10 its spam. i hope you guys all liked the south park post-pandemic aged up specials. i didnt, but im nitpicky and kind of bitter about the idea altogether. i havent seen an active askblog since 2017 but hey. be nice to people who make things. if you feel so inclined, maybe go make something for yourself. id like to thank the people who were curious and had fun here. id like to thank sekrit, neggy, rachel, five, ozzy and nadia. id like to thank everyone who let me tell my story. its just not over yet.
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Hey, Asher. This is degenerate anon once again. Sorry for swarming your inbox with my asks 😭
I noticed you haven't been doing so well (because I may or may not be stalking your tags), and I just wanted to double-check, hope you're doing well. You're a pretty cool person and I'm kinda worried about your state
Please, don't overwork yourself, whether it goes down to answering asks or other things like work or studies. We can wait as long as we have to for the first case, and you're a human too. What you do already is far more than enough
I also just wanna remind you that you're awesome, and if anybody says otherwise, I'll punt them to the moon. I would have offered my inbox too, but I said some very embarrassing shit, there is absolutely no way I'm getting off anon, so all I can say is that I'll always be here for you, presence-wise. Eat and rest well today, you deserve a break (˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡)
- Whitney's left tit- whoops, I meant...
Degenerate anon :)
Lmfaooooo what. nah.
heavy vent. scroll past. thanks. →
Really, the last thing I really wanted when I made those posts was to worry anyone, not that I think I would but now I’m seeing a bunch of people suddenly reaching out to me and asking if I’m okay. I appreciate it a lot, really I do and you too, degenerate anon, for even bothering to ask when you could’ve scrolled past or played off those tags as shits n giggles since that’s what it sort of was in my head anyway. I wasn’t exactly in the best of states when I wrote those. Sometimes, rarely so, it gets so bad that I’m acting on impulse, sputtering out bullshit about wanting to end it right then and there, that it’d be better this way if I was never born at all. Its fucking hysterical how I play it off right after as if I didn’t just casually mention it a bit ago because truth is, I’m not okay yet I don’t want to reach out to anyone either in fear of being a bother and the vulnerability that comes with it. This whole persona of being obscenely horny for entertainment, unserious just for it to be a coping mechanism.
Not exactly sure why I’m laying it out all on you when you didn’t even ask for it, it’s selfish to do so but your ask just really made the words scramble and be put together in my brain as though I finally had the opportunity to answer the why to my question. Why the fuck am I like this. Why the fuck am I plagued with this utter crap of dealing with whatever the fuck this is. I don’t know what it really is, some have told me it’s depression and I’m simply in denial about it. Maybe I am. I’ve been through worse than this, especially in the lockdown though this somehow feels worser for no reason. I’m supposed to have gotten my shit together by then, moved out, new life, new place to settle in, new people, people who are actually kind and welcoming, regularly work out and whatnot.
I still feel like utter shit. I still feel like I’m not doing enough. To be honest, life is moving way too fucking fast for me, one day I’m still a young kid who’s spending his time all day at the park and the next I’m supposed to be a grown adult who’s got all his shit together by then, who has responsibilities, responsibilities that cannot be ignored nor pushed away no matter how much I try to run away from my problems. I know that it’s not that hard, at least, not compared to other people I’ve seen who have it so much harder and still manage through it all while I’m barely hanging on by a thread. It’s so pathetic, god. I need a shitty fictional character from a porn game to even cope about it but even then, there’s so much I can think about before reality hits me once more and I’m left to deal with my thoughts alone in the dark while my roommate is dozing away in the next room.
I hate it so much, I feel as though im not good enough no matter what I do, no matter what I try is simply not enough to measure to other people’s expectations or mines either, not that I think of myself much to begin with. Even when people tell me that what I do is good, wether it be art, writing, who I am as a whole, that they enjoy talking to me because I am who I am, reassured on my appearance too because no matter how many compliments I get I still feel like a monster hiding beneath a layer of flesh moulded to look like that of a human. I feel displaced. I feel as though I don’t belong. It’s not there’s nothing in the world for me, it’s simply I’m nothing for the world itself.
I’m a burden. It’s as simple as that, the amount of guilt that I feel when people express affection towards me, wether it be friends, family members, hell even romantic partners which I may or may not have rejected all from the horror of intimacy. Whenever they tell me they love me to my face, that they worry for me whenever I’m in a bad state, I can’t help the pit that fills my stomach nor the lump in my throat because I truly am undeserving of this fucking love. Give it someone else, please. Anyone but me because they need it more than I do, than whatever the fuck of a shitty person that I am.
I have it bad, so fucking bad that when someone hugged me today, I was practically burying my face in their shoulder and clinging onto dear life because by god, this is the only time I’ll ever allow myself such contact every time I push it away. Nearly burst into tears like a moron too even if I rarely do ever cry since it’s been ingrained in my head to never cry, boys don’t cry, he says, only sissies do and the last thing I wanna be is a pussy. Cried in front of him once as a kid and he told me to get my shit together and suck it up unless I wanna be beaten up in the adult world. So bad that someone actually caught me crying once and I quickly played it off as physical pain (recurring stomach ache) hurting me so bad that tears were spilling, frantically reassuring them that I’m good. Sometimes I do wonder, why i am the one to reassure others.
I know that if I actually reached out to the people that have offered, sought a therapist like a few people have recommended to, it would possibly get better or maybe not. It would probably do more good and I’d be able to sort through these feelings for sure but I won’t. I fucking won’t. I’ve gotten used to bottling up these feelings. Fuck, I’ve repressed them from years and it seems they’re finally spilling in this overly long ass post that no one will bother reading. That’s fine with me because I really need to say it out loud for once even if it’s written through text on a fucking platform called Tumblr where cock is more prevalent than someone’s fucking life.
I’m not okay. That’s the thing. I’m not fucking okay. I wish I could play it off as I usually do whenever people ask me such questions like “how are you” irl. I wish I could say it out loud, say it to their faces, say what I really am. I’m not okay. I’m not fucking okay and I don’t think I’ll be okay soon either because I’ve not fucking okay for so long that it’s getting to me. I’m not okay. I’m miserable actually, I’m so fucking miserable that I wish I could just sleep forever and never wake up again. I’m so fucking miserable that there’s not a day that goes by where there’s this fleeting thought in the back of my mind that wonders, wonders how better it’d be if I were to disappear altogether, stop being a burden to those around me. I’m so fucking miserable that I didn’t even bother answering your well-intentioned question and instead am laying myself bare to the world on a shitty tumblr post. I’m so fucking miserable that I had to pause as I type this because it’s as though I’m finally admitting the obvious truth that I’ve been unwilling to say. I’m so fucking miserable that I just wish I could curl up into a ball and freely cry into someone’s lap, I wish I could fucking yell it even.
I’m not okay. I’m not fucking okay. No matter how much I say it in these written words it doesn’t seem to equal to the amount of times I had to muffle myself, clasp a hand over my mouth in the darkness of my room as a teenager so that my noisy parents don’t overhear my cries. I’m not fucking okay because even when I tell myself as an adult now, that I’m over it, I’m not. I’ve been going through it for so very long, willingly choosing to suffer in silence because it’s the easiest for me even if it will ruin me in the end. It’s already ruining me and eating me from the inside. I’d rather dump all of this crap on here than even say it to the people who’re close to me, asking about it.
I’m burnt out, I’m tired. I wish to rest but I can’t.
Because I think I’m fucking a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve such.
I hope you’re doing better than me, degenerate anon. Sincerely so, you deserve it and thanks for even asking again despite the few interactions we’ve had through asks. You’re my favorite anon for sure.
But ahah, im doing fine lmfao.
#LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#lmfao#lol#XD even#I’m so silly#so fucking close to losing it#aren’t we all? lololololol#cringe#dumb post#mentions of wanting to fucking kill my self#oops i guess?#degenerate anon#asher in the flesh#delete this shit rn
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.
#i wish i didnt get so in my head so easily#i literally cannot focus on streaming if no one shoes up in the first half hour because i feel like a failure#i get that numbers arent everything but sometimes its just really fucking frustrating#like honestly with these cosplay streams i sweat my ass off and get ready for a full hour so if no one shows up im gonna taje the shit off#it just isnt worth it since its so uncomfortable sometimss#and i dont wanna be that asshole who rants about it but im just tired and wanna feel like im succeeding at something and i really love this#so when i have a stream flop it really messes with my mental headspace#and im not blaming ppl who are busy or cant be there for whatever reason but like... fuck im just tired of this and want some validation#and it really doesnt help that i feel like to some people im just eye candy when that is the LAST thing i want to be#im so close to blocking people who exclusively show up to my streams to hit on me or say im hot#this is something i do for entertainment and to express myself artistically and to see people just go 🥵 and not care about anyrhing else#its really demeaning and hurtful more then it is helpful#if you wanna compliment me on stream then talk about my cosplays or my voice acting or literally ANYTHING related to my stream#if you wanna talk about how i look do it on here or on my twitter. i have specifically made those places about it#okay rant over. im sorry if this comes off rude but im fucking frustrated and need somewhere to vent#also to ppl who only watch DBD streamers please broaden your horizons.
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I hope this is an okay question to ask, you seem really open about your care and you clearly adore your animals. I don't mean this in a bad way at all, I'm just curious because I've never heard of people keeping chickens indoors permanently.
Is it really humane to keep them inside? I always thought that they needed to be outside for their own physical and mental wellbeing, so that they can dustbathe, forage, etc. Is it safe for them to wear diapers all day or do you take them off sometimes? It doesn't damage their feathers or cause them discomfort/medical problems from having that area covered for so long?
Again I hope this is an okay question and you can 100% just delete it and not respond if it upset you. Idk I have autism so sometimes I don't know how to phrase things properly u_u;
I dont mind questions! I really want people to see that there can be different ways of caring for food producing animals.
Basically yes its ethical to keeps chickens indoors as long as you provide enrichment and take care of all its needs. In fact alot of chickens can thrive better indoors.
Some, in fact a lot of chickens live their whole life in their coop and run and never free range, that doesnt mean they are being mistreated either. They are just confined birds and different breeds can handle confinement differently.
Some breeds of chickens have even been developed to be housed indoors and/or under careful human care such as Silkies, Sultans, and the Onagadori to name just a few. Not all chickens are built for surviving unsupervised free ranging and being exposed to pathogens and predators just like not all chickens can enjoy being a house chicken.
Free ranging can be actively dangerous to your birds so not every flock can do it.
When you have an indoor or confined chickens its very easy to provide enrichment and outlets for their instincts to forage and dustbathe. I use pine pelleted bedding which my birds really enjoy taking dust baths in and scratching around in. Tossing some dried mealworms and some grains into the bedding or another foraging location can provide lots of entertainment for your birds. Just like you can offer hanging treat toys, balls, and puzzles as well to help them work their brains. Offering greens is as simple as growing your own or buying some for them.
As for diapers its important to change them and keep the bird hygienic. You wouldnt let a baby walk around with a full wet diaper and you shouldnt let a chicken either if you did the chicken could experience the same issues a baby could like diaper rash and bacterial infections. Not all diapers are as good as others either its important to only use diapers that have a poop pouch so poop is kept away from the vent.
If my girls butt floof gets dirty i just give their floof a bath. Unless a bird is sleeping with me my birds are diaperless at night while they are in their cages. I like a bird to be diaperless the same amount of time it was diapered. My birds dont ever wear their diapers long enough for them to get nasty. Some house chicken owners dont even diaper their birds and they just clean up after each poop.
Below the cut is what one of my birds diaper looks like after wearing it for a while. As you can see its not gross or anything
Also with my set up im constantly experimenting and trying new things to see what my birds like and how i can accommodate them better. Right now what i would change the most is i would like to buy a UVB bulb for the living room and chicken room so i can offer my birds some "sun bathing" areas.
#hope that answers some questions#every house chicken owner is different tbh#some people just have whole coops and runs that are just in their house#which isnt much different then if they were outside
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Permanence
corpse husband x fem!reader
summary: you meet corpse on a stream and you’re surprised when he reaches out to you
warnings: cursing, mentions of tattooing
word count: 1.9k
notes: This is proof read but could have missed some stuff. This is my first corpse fic and my first time writing fanfic since I posted that super cringey book on wattpad when I was like 12 or something. I’d appreciate feed back so please reach out to me :)
main blog @itsmysleepover
read part 2 here!
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
You were cleaning up your station so you can get home and stream. You loved your day job as a tattoo artist but you also really enjoyed streaming. It started as a way to promote yourself as an artist and the shop you worked at but it eventually became a really fun way to destress at the end of the week (or day if you were really itching to stream). “Hey Y/N was that your last client?” your boss, KC, asked as she walked to the front of the shop and put new flash drawings on the walls.
“Yes ma’am!” You said back excitedly. You finished cleaning your station and tossed your black gloves in the trash. “And you can’t trick me into staying and taking walk-ins,” you joked with her. She rolled her eyes and walked back into her office “It was one time,” she said as you slid on your jacket. As you walked out your phone buzzed in your pocket and you checked to see who had texted you. It was a message from Sean asking if you were free to play Among Us with him and some other streamers. You replied that you were on your way home right now and totally down. You were excited to see who was playing this time around since their Among Us streams are super entertaining and have gotten really popular.
On your way back you tweeted and posted to your Instagram story that you’d be streaming soon and set up all your stuff once you made it home. After a few minutes, you had a couple of thousand people watching. You entered the discord chat and Sean spoke up. “Everyone this is Y/N she’s sensitive so be gentle.”
“It’s nice to finally meet you guys and I’m not gentle, I'm ruthless,” You say into your mic and notice the chat calling you a liar. Everyone was in the lobby waiting for the game to start. “You sound way too sweet to be ruthless,” Corpse said. The countdown started and you were imposter with Charlie.
“This should be fun,” you told the stream. Yout tried playing strategically but after such a long shift your brain was mush. You saw Poki in nav and killed her then vented into shields. Not long after the body was reported and you were sure you were going to get voted out or at least sussed.
“Where was the body?” Felix asked. “Nav and I didn’t see anyone near there so whoever is imposter must have vented,” Corpse responded. Felix spoke up again. “I think I saw Y/N walk that way and I haven’t seen her since.”
Shit, shit, shit shit. “I’m in shield right now so-” you said trying to defend yourself but Charlie spoke up. “I was doing tasks with her earlier and I saw her walk into shields so she’s safe but I’m still not sure about Rae.” Everyone discussed a bit more and some people, including Corpse, voted for you but Rae got the majority vote and was ejected. You released your breath and kept playing being extra careful.
“Okay, guys that was super close. Corpse knows and is out to get me,” you said to the chat. You were eventually voted off but one round later victory was written across your screen with your ghost and Charlie’s avatar. “Good game guys,” Corpse said.
“I told you guys I was ruthless!”
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
You sat at your station doing nothing because a client had canceled a four-hour session. You were listening to music and sketching some stuff but you were bored out of your mind and you didn’t want to leave in case you got a walk-in. The music got quiet as you received a twitter notification saying someone had messaged you. You reached for your phone and saw you had gotten a dm from Corpse.
C: hey :)
You didn’t know what to respond. You were mostly confused as to why he decided to message you out of the blue. Did he want something? But what would he want?
Y: Hii! This is sudden
C: was i bothering you?
shit sorry!
Y: Youre fine I wasn’t doing anything rn
C: how has your day been
i dont usually do stuff like this
Y: Im glad you did im doing better now I was so bored
C: what were you doing that was so terrible
Y: NOTHING! thats the problem :(
C: im sure youll find something to do
You stared at his message. Unsure what to respond.
Y: Im gonna give myself a tattoo
C: what?
NO!
You tossed the needles you used for your tattoo into the sharps box. “Oh my god you didn’t,” KC said. She noticed the wrap on your calve from the tattoo you just gave yourself out of boredom. “It’s not my fault I didn’t have anything else to do!” You said trying to defend yourself. She sighed and just shook her head. “Just go home business is slow today.” It was raining so the shop probably wasn’t going to get a walk-in anyway and you didn’t have any more clients for the day. It was only 2 pm but you drove home and after making lunch for yourself decided to stream. You weren’t expecting too many people so it was bound to be super chill. Your leg felt sore reminding you of the tattoo. You snapped a quick pic of the fresh jack-o-lantern on the side of your calve and messaged it to Corpse.
Y: [image] it came out nice!
C: thats super cool actually
i was concerned why you would just give yourself a tattoo but i found your instagram and youre super talented
Y: Thank you!
For some reason, it felt strange to just have that be the end of your response.
Y: Im about to start streaming if you wanted to watch
[link]
C: ill be watching ;)
What’s that supposed to mean?
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
You sat in your apartment watching tv, hand lost in a bag of Doritos, and scrolling through twitter. You had stopped paying attention to the anime playing on the screen since you’ve watched it a hundred times and knew you wouldn’t miss anything. It was Saturday and you usually take those days off. Take the time to do chores or meet up with some friends but today you felt like not doing any of those things. As you continue your endless scroll (not helping the twitter addiction you told yourself you’d try to get a handle on) you got a message from Corpse.
C: wanna talk?
You looked down at the message unsure of how to answer. It was a simple yes or no and the obvious answer was yes. You and Corpse had started talking more regularly. You still didn’t have each other’s phone numbers but it was fine. Your conversations weren’t too big-- just you sending him memes, tiktoks, and telling him how much you liked the songs he would drop. Or him complimenting a tattoo you did. Sometimes he’d message you during streams telling you funny stuff his fans would say in the chat and you’d do the same. You learned a bit about each other but nothing too deep or serious. Like how you two lived a few cities away and you both really liked Donnie Darko. When Sean first invited you to that game out of everyone else there you were most excited to meet Corpse. He’s just so sweet and funny. Of course, you’d love to talk to him but you were also itching to talk to him and the last thing you’d ever want to do was make him uncomfortable.
Y: Yeah id love to talk
Here goes nothing.
Y: Wanna facetime or something?
No pressure or anything it could even be a regular call
I think facetime is just my default lol
You sent those last two messages quickly after you had sent the first. You wished you could know what he was thinking. It was killing you to think you had turned him off from talking to you completely. You put your phone down on the couch and went to wash your hand of Dorito dust. When you got back from the kitchen you turned off the tv and tossed yourself onto the couch.
Still no message.
Why am I so fucking stupid?
Just as you were standing up to stretch from sitting on the couch all day your phone buzzed. You reached for it fast and looked to see that it was him. You became super excited still not even knowing what the message said. It could have told you to never talk to him again for all you knew.
C: sure lets facetime
xxx-xxx-xxxx
You had his phone number. You added him to your small but growing contact list and called. You sat on your couch waiting for a response when he finally picked up the screen was black. It didn’t upset you; you kind of expected it and didn’t care what he had to do to make himself more comfortable during this call.
“Hey,” he said. His voice was raspier than usual.
“Did you just wake up?” You asked and looked at the time. It was about a little past noon and you had only eaten Doritos all day. Shit, you should probably make a decent meal.
“Not that long ago but yeah,” he responded and giggled. That giggle.
“Well, I’ve eaten nothing but Doritos all day while rewatching Ouran High School Host Club, so you’re welcome to join me as I make myself something to eat.”
“Sounds like fun; what are we eating?”
“I don’t know yet,” You said as you stood up and made your way to the kitchen. You opened the pantry and looked. You noticed a can of diced tomatoes and reached for it then checked the expiration date. It was still good. On your counter were some onions and garlic. “How about some tomato soup?”
“Sounds delicious.” you smiled at Corpse and your phone screen not knowing if he was also looking at his screen or not. “You’re really pretty-- you know that?”
“Thanks, but you don’t have to--”
“I’ve already told you what an incredible artist you are so many times I bet you’re tired of hearing it, but you already know what a talented artist you are.”
“That is very kind of you Corpse,” you said to him bashfully as you chopped the onion and opened the can of tomatoes. “But once again you don’t have to reach so far to compliment me.”
“I’m not reaching you are talented and beautiful and--”
“I thought I was pretty.” You could hear him chuckle with a smile on his face. “You’re both,” he said. You could feel your face getting warm from blushing.
“Fuck you you’re making me blush. My face is all hot and stuff.”
He laughed at how flustered you got. “That’s the cutest thing ever.”
You didn’t know how to respond so you just put some olive oil in a pot and tossed in your onions. It became silent but it was a comfortable silence. You turned the stove on and watched the flame for a few seconds. “If it was dark we could pretend we were together and having a bonfire or something,” you said to the phone as you turned the camera to show him the flame (still not 100 percent sure if he was looking at you or not).
“I’ll put it on the list of things to do when you visit me someday.”
#corpse husband#corpse husband x reader#corpse husband imagine#corpse husband imagines#corpse husband x y/n#youtubers#caffeinated ramblings
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ok so. why not. basically i got there and there were just 2 ppl in the room, Him & some other guy, both in the second row. i put my stuff down where i usually do in the first row. literally as soon as i started doing that he got up and moved to the first row one chair over from me
so its like. ok. youre doing that okay alright okay.
then another girl comes in and sits between us like this a few minutes later
so then we do warmups and there was a little game everyone played it was like 7 people in the class today and it whittled down to just me & him in the final round. im not gonna bother describing the sexual tension but you get the idea. also i made a joke about just fighting it out, and then made a reference to the song the final countdown that he got and hummed along and then we both made eye contact and went stiff like 😐😐🧍♂️🧍♂️ then we played and we were both super focused maintaining eye contact but then i laughed and he won. thanks universe. and then i made another joke about just fighting it out (what can i say im a sore loser) and i think he thought i was a bit too serious cause he laughed more nervously but not even that much but there was Fear in his eyes. which is fair because i WAS a bit too serious.
anyways then i mentioned transferring schools and he was a little too enthusiastic when i said im staying in this area (for reasons ive vented about on here) (and also mentioned his school is one of my options) so we talked a bit about that. (his school is my least favorite option for reasons not even related to him tho). anyways ill elaborate on this later
THEN we taped our scenes (today was SUPER fun holy shit i loved it). so THEN when he came back in he changed seats so it was like this
by this point i wanted to punch his face and/or google if shaken baby syndrome can affect 19 year olds cause aside from excitement and flattery i wanted to enact physical harm. THEN after we taped AGAIN he moved seats AGAIN to sit right befuckinghind me
like okay jesus christ dude whats your deal.
so thats the most notewory stuff that happened. keep in mind ive mentioned on here that talking about shit that happens in everyday life is hard on a platform people go to for entertainment and consumption (like this is the same space people will discuss fictional stories and talk about Implications between people. irl stuff is incredibly underwhelming in comparison) so it all looks like im making mountains out of molehills. but bear with me yk this isnt the same as a written story where Unless its intentionally leading up to something it means absolutely nothing. yk?
anyways he also wasnt wearing his rings which. GOOD he should be consistent with people (still kinda stung to see tho yk. like that whole thing last semester was one of the most gaslightable things to ever occur. and like. heres acknowledgment and confirmation that there was a little game we had fun with and its only being recognized because its gone). but like. he was still looking at me throughout the class and looking away when i caught him (it happened much less though which is overall good). and also flexed his hands/fingers a little bit and idk if it was intentional (even though it was always where i could see it) but either way i paid it no mind. but yeah the moving seats continuously was especially weird (nobody else was doing it everyone was just sticking to their same seats so. ?????????). also like when i started walking out the door to leave he started hurrying out of the room despite saying something to someone else and ended up walking like a few feet behind me. again seems like nothing when its typed out but its weird as hell when it happens real time
so idk yeah thats today idk what that guy wants or if he was wanting to say something or if.he just likes being close to me and talking to me even if that never goes further. or if he was hoping to talk later i dont know. i dont know
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toffee!
ah yeah, i think quarentine has given people some opportunity to actually just sit with the person they are, rather than be rushing around for the person they want to become. its good you got smth good out of isolation! ah thats great! hope you had fun and ur partner in crime speeds back home so you can get out more hehe.
ah yeah ty, good suggestions.
hmm good point, i was sort of putting it separate to the whole not-sexualising thing, but yeah. mmm yeah i totally agree, some of the enhypen fics/imagines *shudder* and even reading innie stuff is just a bit *icky* cos everyone still thinks of him as our agi ppang. yeah def would be good but sadly this just seems to be the world we live in. :(
ah yes the holy masterlist (not sarc) i have actually read in the rain and gladius maximus before, but ill go look for in class! oooh thats good! character development lol. hmmmm yes champagne problems was the angst to end all angst, that shit hurt. it was actually one of the first of your fics i read and i recall almost crying over the whole thing, it was so heartbreaking, i can see how it almost made you want to drop angst. good that youve allowed yourself some lee-way tho :)
hehe thats so cool. okay here we go, ill try not to be mortally offended (/hj)
cheese - yes same, i liked it but that was all there was, it wasnt a super standout track. it was rlly underwhelming for me but some of the hook is super catchy so there is Redemption (tm) in store for cheese maybe
thunderous - mmm, yeah at first i totally agreed, i think they suffer from too much good music syndrome, that all their other tracks are such fucking bops its hard to stay at that level of perfection. the choreo was beautiful tho and tbh, the track has grown on me since ive been watching all the vids abt it. its my brothers favourite track
domino - YES GODAMMIT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE TITLE TRACK. the raps, the vocals, the vibes, the fucking domino sound in the back? i would have streamed that shit on repeat. but tbh, as good as it is, it doesnt have that sort of grandness/oomph that skz seems to like in their title tracks so i can see why they chose thunderous (tho domino would have been so good) *sigh*
ssick - yeah same, not my fave track by a long mile, the crowd cheering was a ?strange? choice and the chorus was a bit bare/empty, plus like i mentioned earlier, it was kinda funny to me for some reason but ill still play it if im playing thru the whole album
the view - ahh one of those not like other girls (/j) i honestly think its just a good party song, just a bop to play in the background when nobodys rlly paying much attention. its pretty generic pop music but catchy
sorry, i love you - hehe yeah i thought it was going to be sadder as well, but i rlly loved the fact that they all just got to sing, which almost never happens, i dont think ive heard felix sing for a long time, so i enjoyed it. wasnt rlly a standout track but i just casually like it. looking forward to the fic haha
silent cry - this song i swear, some bits are rlly good and then others are just? why?? it does sound like a dance song tho idk. definitely not one of my faves either
secret secret - YES its so good! its such a chill song and i love their vocals in it. the combination of lo-fi/fake strings backup stuff and their heavenly vocals just makes it *chefs kiss* im listening to it rn and just... its so beautiful. it gives me pumped up another day vibes ya know? like my pace is edgy get cool, this one is energetic another day i feel like. overall i love it
STAR LOST - ah thats so cool! i didnt know that! on first listen this song had a similar vibe to secret secret but then the beat came in and ahh its such a good song. i can totally imagine them putting this song to a concert footage vid, this song is so sweet.
red lights - LMAO YES ITS SO AWKWARD WHY DOES IT GO ON FOR SO LONG ah thats good! yeah good point, its quite intense hehe. but that is my fave trope and this is lowkey my favourite track on the album so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ just the combination of hyunjins and chans voices, the backing music, the lyrics ahh red lights my beloved
surfin’ - yes lmao its always a shock, i feel like they should have put gone away in between them, but its such a fun cute song, i cant get rlly mad. yeah, as an aussie i think im contractually obligated to like beaches lol. sand im not such a fan of, but my familys rlly into fishing and my brother loves bodyboarding so we stay at a beach house at least twice a year and we live like 5 mins from 3 different beaches (hehe all aussie cities are on the coast lol) so thats cool. do you like beaches?
gone away - ah gone away my beloved, i love this song sm, its just so pure and showcases their vocals and lyrics so well. yes the pitch change is very out of the blue, i feel liek they went directly from seungmins soft vocals to hans powerful ones which was an interesting choice, but hey, im not complaining
wolfgang - YES IKR ah im so happy he got to be included in that era and song. yeah its such a full on song i cant rlly listen to it if im in a quiet mood but its very motivating :)
hehe mood, i hope they do! ahhh no rest, but at least you wont have to pull a blink and wait a year for any word from the group lol. im not rlly into nct but im excited for them! ah hopefully youll be able to sneak some rest into that chaotic schedule, with enhypen (idk if u stan but yeah) squeezed into it haha
<3 w.a. 🐺
i wheezed at partner in crime, it reminded me of smth. i have a lee know fic in the drafts that i wrote 'in honor' of him (and his departure-ish). i'll tag you when i finish it, if you want. it's a rather hilarious one.
oh my god. based on my experience on the collabs i've joined before, writing explicit shit for '01 & '02 is not accepted (nct's maknaes) but with enha's hyung line '01 & '02 somehow it's okay? i do a double take every time i see fics like those i mean, technically, it's legal but still what the fuck. maybe it's just not for me at the moment. not at us venting our frustration about this. it's just something that's so accepted here that i am (in all honesty) slightly uncomfortable about. but oh well. that's kpop writerblr for you.
man i could've linked all the fics in the ask instead so you wouldn't have to go looking for them! i think i saw you like in class the other day (the fic i renamed into sharp-tongued, god it took me a while to remember the new title). describing champagne problems as an angst to end all angst is one way to put what i was feeling back in december. it just hurt to write and admit?? if that ever happened to me i would prolly cry :d
okay back to the album talk! i love how you answered with more thoughts. i love exchanges like these! i am a victim of the cheese hook and it's now one of my favorite tracks in the album. PLS, TOO MUCH GOOD MUSIC SYNDROME. that's on our self-producing kings 😌💅 also, your brother has taste! as i am typing this, domino's currently playing in my head and i realized that too, that it doesn't have that 'vibe' of a skz title track. honestly, this could be a title track of another group. ssick is starting to grown on me because i found the beats cool kdjsk not the not like other girls 😭 the view is the generic pop that i don't like but i get why a lot of people enjoy it. sorry i love you scratches a certain itch that i find myself singing the first few lines every time i remember it. i too would want to hear felix sing more!
> a mini junction on the album talk bc i got side tracked. on that topic, i want skz to switch positions at some point like i know those allrounders are capable of doing so. specifically, i want to hear seungmin rap!!!! (yk in the recent weekly idol he talked faster than changbin in a challenge and changbin is like the fastest rapper in kpop that's active atm if im not mistaken. my dandy boy has some potential and i want it UNLEASHED.)
back to album talk. silent cry is basically sad music to twerk to. secret secret is definitely one of my favorite tracks :( i loved how you compared the tracks HAJSAH i burst out laughing bc yk what, you're right! i want to make a star lost edit of skz but i simply do not have the time i want to cry. i love the song so much. ok, my dreaded track, red lights. idt i have played the track since we last talked. my friend sent me the lyrics tho and i'm itching to write a twisted au out of it. idk if you're comfortable with yandere but somewhere along those themes. the obsessive type of love that's sweet at first but turns rotten. IMAGINE IF THEY PUT GONE AWAY BETWEEN ASHJA it's like going from 50 shades to the notebook.
i was about to ask if you lived near the coast and you literally mentions it here god im so stupid. yes i LOOOOOOOOOVE beaches so much. living in an archipelago is fun :( i live in a part of the country that's more island than city so every time i want some vitamin sea it's accessible. i heard the waves in australia are great :( anYWHOOO gone away :(( every time it plays im compelled to skip it because it makes me sAD AND NOWADAYS I DONT HAVE THE TIME TO BE SAD. contrary to you, i dislike my quiet moods because i tend to overthink a lot.
i have this little analogy about how there are stays that enjoy songs the generic pop + mellow songs and then there are other stays that enjoy the noisy tracks. in my mind, it's like a perfect balance that makes me feel like all the tracks are loved in the end. just by different people.
PULL A BLINK. bro i fucking hate yg entertainment. they have the biggest kpop girl group LOCKED in their basement when they could be (and i mean this in the most business-like way not morally) milking money of the quad. they're yg's biggest hope at not being bankrupt atm so it's a damn fucking mystery to me as to how they aren't doing anything. (jk i just realized lisa solo album soon, but i still need a ot4 cb hELLO)
i stopped looking forward to the teasers. rest > kpop boys. i don't want to sound like a cult member but have you tried checking out nct? are they just not your thing? (i get it tho, that's one hard group to get into). and yes i do stan enhypen!
wow i love how long these asks are! they're like online penpals. but i also want to ask about you! how have you been lately? are you feeling okay both mentally and physically? how's the weather there? do you have anything that you want to talk about? maybe an interesting book you read? feel free to bring up anything you want to share! i'm getting conscious about talking about myself HAJHSJ
and yet another long answer B) i am sooo sorry T___T should these ask exchanges feel draining to you, feel free to stop sending them in AAAA
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okay some of the members on the dsmp are just so,,, surreal to me still
like quackity? yeah he's been on the dsmp for almost a full year now but i still can't get over that fact that
he's IN it, you know?
i used to be so active in his community when he was a toontown streamer, i used to watch him when he STARTED YOUTUBE, and we used to genuinely be friends! i was literally a mod in his twitch chat!!!! so it's just,, insane to see that he's been able to make it this far and do what he's able to. hell, he even WON MCC TODAY! he's so much happier with his content now that it's truly insane. and i'm so glad for him for it.
i have a friend who edits for someone really close to michaelmcchill!
i literally have a friend who STILL TALKS TO CHARLIE SLIMECICLE BECAUSE THEY WERE COLLEGE BUDDIES! HE'S LITERALLY A MOD IN THE CHAT!
it's incredible to see these things, and i don't think i'll ever be able to get over it.
(it's gonna get ✨extra vent-y✨ in here under the cut so read only if u want to im extra emotional today)
i just can't help but feel jealous and envious, because it's something i've always wanted to do and i've worked decently hard for it with no fruit to bear for it, and i've always struggled with the feelings of validation. i've always had a desire to be famous for something, whether it be myself or something i create, so seeing my friends get an easy pass, despite me being happy as all hell for them, i can't help but feel a pit in my stomach that's just burning jealousy. and i feel awful for it. like, "i'm trying my hardest out here and not getting rewarded at all, and yet someone else does something small and they get the praise? but it's my friend! i should feel happy for them! why am i feeling so bad about it?!" it's so much worse for me too though because i've always struggled with the feeling of being invisible and never feeling like i'm really there even though i am, and every time someone gets praised for something i've also done beforehand it just,,, hurts you know?? like i want to be seen for something for once! i have ideas and i'm here! and yet, nobody even hears it. or sees it. unless someone else says it. i have to make people see it myself, and i feel bad for it. like, i know i should be promoting myself, but i feel guilty for doing so and i can't shake the awful feeling, because even though i really need to, i can't bring myself to it... but even then whenever i do it just feels like it's ignored and nobody cares. and it only makes me feel worse. i'm happy where i am right now, but i can't find my way out of the low points, and yes, i have a better time now then i did a few years ago, but i can't shake my feelings of self doubt and dehumanizing myself every time i want to feel happy about something related to it. i just want to make content people are happy with, but i can't find the right people, or anything. i never feel supported even though i know i have people there for me. i always feel like i'm alone whenever i'm with a group of people. hell, that one stream where c!ranboo was like "i'm not a person anyone would pick over someone else" hit me SO HARD that it still shakes me to this day. i honestly struggle with those feelings so much, like, i'm in a huge group of friends, but i don't think anyone would pick me over someone else. everyone else has someone they like more, who they've talked with more, who they see as a bigger person in their life. i'm just there to provide entertainment. i always feel like a side character in my own story. i'm the stage crew in a play of my own life. i'm filming a movie of my decisions instead of being the star. and it gets so much worse when one thing gets attention and i feel like "oh its my time! i'm finally growing! i can finally do something! i can finally be someone people look up to!" and then when the next day comes and i'm ready to go, i'm just left there. because it was a simple one-time thing. and i shouldn't feel that much validation from it. but i do. and i don't know how to stop that. i find myself sitting there without a smile, and without a happy spot for a good few days. i feel like i failed and people hate me because i was doing something. i always feel like my ideas are shit because they flop due to no reason at all. i try and do something cool that i think will catch attention, but it doesn't work. and when i see all these people i know and follow get praised for the exact same thing i can't help but feel ill with my own feelings from it. i shouldn't be, but i am, and its getting to be a lot on my own mental health.
like jesus christ i shouldn't even be venting on this post yet here the fuck i am spewing whatever comes out of my mouth like a madman
sorry about that
i'll leave you guys alone now, enjoy the post without the vent
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this is going to be the most mortifying ordeal of being known post i ever make but it’s one of those situations where i need to vent but i dont want to bring this situation to any specific person bc at the end of the day there’s no fix (and also i try not to bring problems like this to actual specific people bc then it feels like there’s expectations and hopes and, on my own end, that’s already killing me), this is just something i need to vent abt before my anxious energy consumes me so i’m just gonna vent and feel free to skip
(dont reblog if u dont mind)
so long story short i’ve been talking on tinder with a girl for the past two or three days and we seem to vibe and are entertaining the idea of meeting up at a popular cafe that we both like but that’s not the point of this, that part is fun
the point of this venting is that for two or three days, i’ve been lunging at my phone to check every notification i get, and i’ve been getting too attached, and i’ve been fantasizing, and i’ve been hoping, and i’ve been getting excited, and it’s going to kill me
over the past couple years, i’ve cultivated a fun type of commitment issue where it’s not “oh i could never commit to anyone” but “i’m fucking terrified of commitment bc i don’t know what i’m doing and i feel like i missed a fundamental step in learning how to commit and i’m so scared that i won’t do it right and that no one will stick around and it will be no ones fault but it still feels like a situation that i cannot escape”
like????? i actively always work against myself bc i know that, once im given an inch, i can get infatuated so easily and i daydream and i get hopeful and too many times have i let myself fall without thinking and i hurt myself with dumb hopes and expectations, so now i almost try to distance myself and distract myself and almost... work myself down like “don’t get attached, nothing is guaranteed to last, what if you fade out of it, what if they don’t like what they get, what if it goes wrong, what if what if what if”
and like............. both things work against me bc, on the one hand, i’m like “okay yeah if we’re doing this we’re doing this! only been three days but yes! let’s go!” and the other part of me is “this will go down in flames so bad because your inexperienced hands don’t know how to be careful with something like this”
and so i’m literally so anxious bc i look forward for every notification, and then get scared when i get it, and then i feel like my hands are fumbling when replying and my brain is just chanting “don’t fuck up don’t fuck up don’t fuck up” and like........
i just want to have fun? i just want to get myself out there? so i try to remember the little things? like, “hey, you’re both getting to know little things abt each other, and that’s cool” and “yeah it’s tinder so maybe nothing serious, but it can still be fun” and “either of you have the option to stop responding at any given moment, and neither of you have” and “why not just have some fun and see what, if anything, happens?” but it’s so hard bc i’ve cultivated these weird issues with commitment and love and my proximity to those things bc sometimes i feel like i just wasn’t Made for it and that it just Wasn’t Made for me
and yeah it’s dumb that i’m overthinking this so much bc that’s abt 75% of my problems already but it also fucking sucks that i thought i got over my social anxiety (and regular anxiety lmao) only for it to come back up when i’m finally, finally saying, “i’m done just being me, i want to try to put myself out there”
and i think the worst part is is that i always have this lingering fear of “i have to hide parts of myself because what if no one likes it. i can’t let on that i’m anxious bc that’s a burden. i can’t let on that i have bad days bc that’s a burden. i have to be moderate in everything i do. i have to be in the middle. i have to be complacent” and like that’s bullshit bc no one wants that!!!! no one wants complacency!!!!!!!!!
it’s like i know what’s rational but i have such a hard time accepting it for myself
like, why can’t i just talk with someone on a dumb hookup site and have fun little conversations and talk abt meeting at a cafe. why must my brain be like “you can’t handle this, you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re falling behind as everyone else just keeps learning and learning and you’re left behind all of them, watching and wanting but never grasping and having for yourself”
anyways this was incredibly embarrassing and i hate that i needed to vent all of this but i’ve been on edge all fucking day abt my social anxiety and my anxiety abt academics so like if i didn’t do this, i was going to lose my fucking shit eventually
#also if u know me irl i will never acknowledge this#this is also disgustingly ''cringe on main'' but like#i needed to vent before my tension got worse bc it felt like i was abt to drop dead
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Imagine Vexen was doing a experiment that backed fire and turns every single member except him into children.
@nopantssaturday is such a babe, guys, you don’t even understand
oOoOo
Oh No. This was not Good. Vexen watched as his latest creation shut down during its most crucial test stages. The scientist quickly ran to the machine and pried open the doors as a dense pink vapor inside of it’s chambers flowed out. As the doors begrudgingly opened, the academic waved his arms, trying to clear as much of the fog as possible to find his test subject inside. Thankfully the scientist was wearing his sealed suit or he would have been choking on the gas himself.
This machine was one Vexen was working on for himself; one to slow and eventually stop the aging process, but not because he was worried of aging himself. Oh no, The scientist merely was just trying to find a new way to defy the forces of nature with science, something he effectively loved doing.
But as the smoke cleared from the lab, the subject, a white rabbit he had found, did not look any younger. “Shit.” The scientist huffed to himself. He was sure that his calculations were correct. He knew they were sound, and yet here he was with the same adult rabbit he had started with. Ugh. The scientist slowly lifted the rabbit from the floor of the machine and held it in his arms as he carried it out of the chamber and to its small cage on the other side of the lab. But as he placed the rabbit in it’s holding, a loud unfamiliar voice echoed throughout the castle.
“VEXEEEEEN!!!!!” The voice was high pitched and whining, like a woman or child. But it wasn’t Larxene. Curious, the scientist quickly removed his suit headed up the stairs to the main room of the castle. But never expected to see what lay ahead.
There, sitting in the gray area, were 13 little toddlers. And not just any toddlers, no. They were all of the members of Organization XIII. The only reason he could tell it was them, was that they were all were still attempting to wear their cloaks that are now MUCH too large for them. Some of the children sat on the floor, some were crying. But there, sitting on the highest chair was a tiny Xemnas, arms folded and looking very angry. At him.
This was supposed to be terrible, but Vexen couldn’t help but smile that this was his doing. His experiment had worked. Well, somewhat. But how was this possible? But a simple gaze upwards provided the answer. The vents! When the vapor exited the chamber of the machine, it probably traveled upward and into the vents to the rest of the castle. That must have been it. Though this was a miracle, it was clear that no one was happy about this but Vexen. The tiny superior looked up at him with his little arms crossed.
“Fix this. Now.”
So, after scooping up all of the toddlers and bringing them to his lab, Vexen got to work examining the effects of the pink anti-aging vapor. Of course, this task would be nothing for someone as intelligent as Vexen, but doing so while also babysitting 13 toddlers proved…. Difficult. Some of the children like Ienz– - Zexion were well behaved and sat with books. While others were.. More difficult.
“Number VIII! Stop running around the lab this instant!!” The little troublemaker continued to scurry around the lab, stopping only once to turn his head and stick his tongue out at his captor. The scientist quickly caught up, and lifted the rowdy little redhead into his arms before placing the boy in a small caged in area of the lab that the Academic was able to have the dusks put together as a suitable place to corral the children. Those dusks sure are capable when it comes to stealing from people, it seemed, for within a couple hours, they were able to put together a fairly suitable area to distract the children. Well. Most of them.
“Noooo!!! I don’t wanna go in there!!!” The redhead loudly whined before being placed inside of the cage.
“Well, that’s too bad, Number VIII. Because you need to say in there.” The scientist said, matter of factly. Fighting with this child was not much different from fighting with the real Axel it seems.
“Well why does Xemnas get to sit out there!?” The toddler whined, even louder than before, pointing his little finger at the chair near Vexen’s lab desk where the tiny superior sat stoically, crossing his arms in a pensive stare.
“He gets to sit there because he is the superior and gets to do what he wants.” The scientist stood and turned to walk back to his desk. The little flame’s face started to scrunch in disgruntlement before tears formed in his eyes and he let out a pained wail.
“AwwaaaHhhh!!!!” The boy cried. “That’s not fair!!!!” But as the boy let out his whining scream, the high pitched cry of two babies carried in from the other room.
“Oh great, you woke the infants….” Vexen sighed as he walked into the other room to soothe the crying babies.
Without the major distractions, Vexen was able to figure out two facts about the effects of the pink vapor. The first was that the anti-aging process seemed to be relative to the original ages of the person that inhaled the gas. For instance, Roxas and Xion, the youngest members of the organization, after inhaling the gasses have reverted to mere infants. Whereas Xigbar, Xaldin, and Lexaeus, as well as the superior, have reverted to a child that seemed to be about 4 or 5 years old. And all of the others in between seem to have become toddlers between the ages of 2 and 3 years old. This was fairly easy to understand by how the child acted and the cognitive functions the children possessed.
The second thing that Vexen was able to discern was that even though each subject was able to remember what had happened to them and what was happened, they still displayed the behaviors, mannerisms, and priorities that a child would. This was able to be figured out by how Demyx has been able to watch the same Lucky Emblem Sing-A-Long-Song’s VHS on repeat for the last 2 hours with the same captivation and interest as the first time he watched it. It was also easy to tell by the way that Larxene smiled and laughed, at all. The fact that the girl was smiling was enough to say something about her had changed.
The only child that didn’t seem to display this kind of behavior was that of Xemnas. It was as if the superior had the mind of someone well beyond their years and that only his body was his age. This phenomena was strange, yes, but further examination of the superiors mind would have to wait. For this man of science had to figure out how to fix the problem at hand first. As soon as he placed the now sleeping infants back down in the crib, Vexen left the darkened room and started to head back to the main part of the lab to continue his work. But before he could reach his lab desk, a tiny hand reached out and tugged on the bottom of his pants. One look down to his ankle revealed that it was Lexaeus tugging on his pants.
“Yes, Number V, what do you need?” Vexen asked. The small boy didn’t talk much, of course he never really spoke in general. But the boy looked up at Vexen with big pleading eyes and placed his hand down over his front and pushing his knees together urgently. Vexen was momentarily confused by the dance but then understood. “Oh… OH!” The scientist then quickly took the child and walked him hurriedly to the nearest restroom before he had to ask the dusks to clean his floors. Again.
Ugh this was going to be a long day.
–
After a few hours, Vexen had started to get the hang of handling 13 children. At least enough that he could get his work done. The young superior sat in his chair and handled himself in all ways as if he was an adult. Xigbar was precocious but would quickly grow bored with the mischief he was causing and would turn to playing with whatever garbage he could find. Xaldin and Lexaeus were very quiet and both seemed to have no problem playing with the toys that the dusks had found at a moments notice. Lexaeus seemingly had a small rabbit plush he seemed focused on. Zexion had a small stack of picture books that seemed to be able to keep him entertained. Axel was a bit of a trouble maker, but it seemed that the redhead was able to keep himself distracted from causing mischief if he had Saix nearby. Something about the blue haired child seemed to keep Axel from going buck wild.
Demyx has been watching the same VHS for the last 4 hours and even though the music was annoying, Vexen knew it kept him quiet, so he persevered. Was just kind of playing with the game board that the dusks had found, something called ‘Apologies!’. The pieces were missing, but that didn’t stop Luxord from repeatedly popping the bubble at the center of the game board and watching the dice inside bounce around. Marluxia and Larxene liked playing together most of the time and were able to be distracted by the dolls and dressing them up. And the last two are infants so while they required the most feeding, they were able to be kept fairly contained and didn’t get into trouble, sitting in chairs near the desk when they were awake, watching the scientist with wide eyes.
After about a good amount of time testing and working at his desk without much interruption, the chilly Academic made it with a breakthrough, coming up with a bright blue liquid in a vile that could easily be turned into a vapor and once inhaled. Should negate the effects of his previous experiment. Thankfully this nightmare would be over.
But as soon as that thought came to his mind, vexen looked up to the small boy with the periwinkle hair over her face looking down intently into his picture book and the scientist curl of a smile grew on his lips. He had almost forgotten how Ienzo used to love his books. It made him almost wish that the experiment didn’t have to end. But then another scream echoed through the lab.
“VEXEN!! XIGBAR IS PULLING MY HAIR!!”
“No! IM NOT! SHE STARTED IT”
“NO I DIDN’T!!”
“YES YOU DID!!”
Okay. Never mind. Forget that. It needs to end now.
Vexen quickly loaded the children with their original clothing draped on lazily into a vacuum sealed room of the lab (one that he probably used at the beginning of all this to have prevented this enter faux pas.) and pumped the room full of the blue vapor. The fog was as thick as its predecessor and soon the entire room went opaque with the gas. At first there was silence, but then the fog dissipated and it was clear that the reversal was a success. Soon the members all filed out of the room.
“Ugh.. What happened?” Axel murmured as he stepped out, placing a hand up to his head.
“I don’t know…” Demyx replied. “But I’m really in the mood for some chicken nuggets…”
“Don’t you eat that every day, tyke?” Xigbar snickered.
“Hey!” The younger boy whined as most of the members left the lab in a group. The superior gave Vexen a silent nod before leaving the lab as well. And soon the only ones left in the lab were Vexen… and Zexion.
“So..” The younger member paused. “Was that whole afternoon real?”
Vexen gave a dry chuckle in response. “Ah.. Yes.. Not my proudest failure. But yes it did happen.”
“Oh man… “ Zexion sighed. “How did you deal with 13 children, Vexen..?”
“Oh.. With great difficulty.” Vexen laughed again, tired from the day he just had. “But you know what? It was not as catastrophic as it could have been. And.. It kind of reminded me of when you were small in Radiant Garden. Of course, back then it was just you, and not all of the others as well. But sometimes it’s nice to remember the better times. You were always a well behaved child, Ienzo– I- I- Mean..” The scientist fumbled on the name a moment before the young man stopped him.
“No. No. Ienzo is fine..” Then a pause hung in the air a moment before the schemer spoke again. “You know.. I never thanked you, Vexen. For raising me in that castle with Master Ansem and the other apprentices. I mean, my parents died and I could have been sent to suffer the fate of so many other orphaned children in Radiant Garden, but instead you all cared for me and raised me. And if today wasn’t proof, raising children is no easy task.”
For a moment, the Chilly Academic didn’t know how to reply. His throat almost went dry. He had never expected something like this from the boy, honestly they barely spoke anymore outside of work, let alone spoke of the past. But.. somewhere deep inside of him, Vexen could swear that he felt an inkling of… happiness?
“I– You’re welcome, Ienzo.” The scientist smiled. And as the boy slowly left the lab, a thought came to Vexen’s mind.
Maybe this experiment ending in failure was not the worst thing.
#imagine#organization xiii#organization xiii imagines#kingdom hearts#kingdom hearts imagine#vexen#kh vexen
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x Small vent rambles
x I feel bad for the person I’ll become too comfortable with and over share my interest with
x not because I’m weird (but I very much am)
x just for the simple fact they’ll have to listen to me actually talk and pretend to listen
x the worse feeling in the world is when you realize they weren’t ever listening. It get even worse when you bring it up later and they have no idea what you’re talking about. Like thanks for making me look stupid the whole 3 minutes I was talking
x and you know I’ve done that to people, I zone out but I always latch on to something they said and ask them about it so they know that even though i just zoned out I do care.
x but at the same time I remember a lot of things about people that even they forget about. But no one does that with me, no one can recall things I’ve done or said that memorable and at this point that’s okay I’m too extra for that. You might as well just say meeting me was over the top and I’d agree.
x I tend to not share things with people if we don’t have it in common hell I don’t even want to talk about anything i like if we do. It’s just best if you keep talking bc 1) I get overly existed talking 2) I don’t know what to say and i ramble
x a fun fact about me is a love music and sometimes I come up with song ideas and record them on my phone. I have ten complete songs that I haven’t composed instrumentals for but I know exactly what they sound like. No one knows that and I don’t bring it up because the one time I did to my friend they laughed at my recording. So now I just listen to them myself and sing along.
x I come up with the craziest story ideas and when I try to share them I just get a pat on the head and told how cool it sounds. Then when I crack it out there is radio silence. These are really funny ideas or like really dramatic scenes that I be so proud of that just turn into drafts buried away in notebooks I collected in the past 14 years.
x one story was a steampunk Romeo and Juliet but Juliet was the one going after Romeo and they were battle the social construct of class because I was such a edgy 14 year old who really wanted to go to a steampunk con but could never see myself doing so.
x I once drove to another state with my best friend to help her grather her stuff from campus damn near in silence because I was afraid to talk about anything because I didn’t want her to think I was weird. I’ve been friends with this girl for almost 9 years, she knows im weird but I don’t want her to think of me as crazy
x even with people I known for years (over the internet) I don’t feel comfortable talking to or if I bring up something I’ll just change the topic before anyone can ask me about it.
x I know I’m extra and I’ve toned it down when I’m with people but if someone ever got to see how colourful I become alone and supported it that be great. Don’t just smile and nod, enjoy my entertainment and recall how great it was later on.
x I wish I could sit in a bubble of lights and just chill out and not worry about people’s idea of me. Just a big ol’giant fairy light bubble with a fog machine and a speaker so i can play music and vibe out.
x I’ve cried typing this out and I’ve also deleted some shit. Emotional rollercoaster thursday. Guess this is my monthly emotional dip.
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Jae-in’s Relationship with X1
X1 12th Member AU:
A/N: Sorry it took so long to post! I have been drowning in school work and I just started my new job. But I’m trying to update more. As always, requests are open! I’d love to get ideas on what to write for Jae-in and the boys.
Seungwoo:
These two have known each other for a few years now. Seungwoo’s older sister was a member of Secret under TS Entertainment, and she often, along with her other members, invited Jae-in along for outings, seeing as she was the only girl in B.A.P. So Jae-in often was invited to spend time with Sunhwa and her parents and siblings, i.e Seungwoo. They slowly became close friends, but lost contact as the years went by and Seungwoo debuted and Sunhwa left the company. Now that they have reconnected, these two are joined at the hip. Seungwoo looks out for her, just like he looks out for all his members, but also knows that she can hold her own. They are workout buddies and spend most of their time parenting the kids. He relies on her the most, due to her being in the industry for so long, and always being calm and collected. Since these two are very cuddly, they’ll cling to others, or each other (once the other members get sick of being clung to). These two picked each other as roommates due to having such similar likes and interests. Jae-in really loves Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, so she smiles whenever Seungwoo is called Snoopy and has a tendency of stealing some of the Snoopy fan gifts that he gets. He doesn’t really mind.
Seungyoun:
Normally, Jae-in is very quiet and to herself, but if you add a Seungyoun to the mix, then you have hell. These two get very loud, very fast. She’s an unofficial member of Team Rocket, due to stopping any pranks or jokes from going too far. Seungyoun goes to Jae-in whenever he needs to vent. He prefers to not let the kids see how down he actually gets, and originally didn’t even want Jae-in to see, but she caught him crying one night, and since then Seungyoun goes to her whenever he just needs to talk. The same goes for her. Jae-in only ever shows her true emotions to a select few, and Seungyoun is one of them. Back on PDX, these two were always the mood makers in their teams and if they weren’t on the same team making others laugh, they were looking for each other in between breaks. They just naturally gravitate towards each other.
Wooseok:
These two met during a music show. Jae-in was MCing back when she was in B.A.P and Up10tion was promoting. She, Wooseok, and Jinhyuk got into a little (fun) argument about the the best snacks at each music show, and from there on out, a friendship had grown. Whenever Jae-in enters a room, she always goes towards Wooseok and latches on to him. He’s one of the few members that just lets it happen without comment or complaint. Even though, she shares a room with Seungwoo, she’ll either chill in Wooseok’s room, or drag him to her room to just cuddle. Jae-in keeps a watchful eye on Wooseok, knowing his past. Jinhyuk had asked them to stick together and look out for each other while being in X1, and Jae-in takes that request very seriously, as she sees him like a little brother (much to his displeasure). Wooseok will go to either Seungwoo or her whenever he needs to talk or is too stressed, but will also listen whenever Jae-in needs to vent.
Yohan:
Jae-in has admired Yohan since his audition. Whenever he improved and got compliments, she always felt so proud, even if he wasn’t on her team. While he spends time squishing cheeks and teasing the younger members, she does the same to him. She laughs at how squirmy he gets with any sort of skinship, so she has made it her goal to make him get used to it. Yohan at first felt a bit uncomfortable with her, due to being the only girl and such a “badass idol” in the past, but he slowly started to see her as an older sister that he could confide in. Jae-in will help him with the dances and in return, she asks him to teach her taekwondo, to which he teases her whenever she tries hard, but stumbles, “So there are some things that the Great Han Jae-in can’t do.” “Oh, shut up.”
Hangyul:
From the beginning, Jae-in was drawn to him for some reason. He seemed intimidating, but she also got such soft vibes from him. She had seen him before on The Unit, and as a part of IM, but didn’t know much about him. She liked the vibe that he gave, and during one of the late night practices to X1-MA, she found him practicing alone, and decided to join him. He felt at ease with her and right away was able to make jokes with her. They often complimented each other on their dances and even gave each other pointers. Jae-in sees a lot of her members as younger brothers, but Hangyul is the closest to resembling her actual brother, so she naturally felt comfortable around him. In the dorms, if too many members are visiting Seungwoo in their shared room, she’ll often go to Hangyul and Seungyoun’s room, since it basically has the same vibes as hers, but with less kids. She’ll often slump on Hagyul’s bed, face buried in his pillow and muffle out a drama suggestion that they should watch. He is definitely the one that gets the most protective of her.
Junho:
Junho is a tough case for Jae-in. She knows that he’s pretty quiet at first, but once he’s comfortable he’ll open up, or at least he has with the other members. They’ve been on the same team on PDX a few times, and yet he’s still quiet around her. She gets that not everyone will be fully comfortable with her in the group, but she would still like to hold a conversation with him. And they do, but it always seems forced, or there’s another member involved. Jae-in has just come to the conclusion, that he’ll (hopefully) come around. Until then, she’ll just awkwardly help him with his dance. She’s still very observant of him and is hyper aware of when he’s stressing out or overworking himself. She’ll do subtle things to help, like making him his favorite meal, or ushering the kids out of whatever room he’s trying to rest in. She thinks that he doesn’t notice these things, but he does, and even though he doesn’t show it much, he is grateful.
Dongpyo:
Even though Seungwoo has claimed him as his son, Jae-in is totally whipped for him. She thinks that he’s super talented and so cute. He comes to her often whenever the boys tease him, because even though she loves to cuddle, she knows when to stop. She’s quick to defend him if the teasing starts to get out of hand, and the teasing generally stops right away, because no one has ever seen Jae-in mad, and they’re scared to see what that looks like. Whenever Dongpyo is being smothered in cuddles (normally by Yohan), she picks him up and brings him to another part of the room and stays with him. Dongpyo gets flustered with the fact that she can pick him up with ease due to her height and strength, but ignores it in lieu of being free of the over clingy members. Dongpyo has begged Jae-in to grow out her hair, “You would look so pretty, and then I could play with your hair too”. As much as Jae-in enjoys the simplicity of having short hair, she has often thought about growing it out for him.
Minhee:
Jae-in is in love with Minhee’s humor. She’s obsessed with making dad jokes and making others cringe, and the fact that Minhee appreciates her jokes makes her love him more. She definitely loves his meme like personality which intensifies whenever he senses that she’s feeling down. Jae-in normally joins Minhee as he walks Hyeongjun to school, then she in turn walks him to school. Jae-in will typically sit with him while he does his homework and sometimes ask him to set up a couple of problems for her to solve. It’s been awhile since she’s been in school and likes to stay on her toes. He knew this which is why he suggested to start giving her problems to solve. He has to hide a grin with how many she gets wrong, but helps her out to make sure she understands. Normally after that, they’ll go out to get coffee and a snack.
Eunsang:
Jae-in is probably one of his biggest supporters. Towards the end of PDX when people were choosing positions for the last two evaluations, she saw how Eunsang volunteered for whatever he could. She knew that he was fighting to ensure his place, so she often encouraged him to stand his ground and to not be afraid of looking greedy, because everyone at this point was grabbing whatever position they could. When he was announced as the X member, she saw how nervous he was and knew that he felt the same as she did. They got picked, but others were left behind. Once she had the chance, she latched on to him and made sure he was okay. She is still always keeping an eye out for him, because she knows that he tends to put too much pressure on himself. So she’ll casually slip her head into his and give it a squeeze. She’ll practice English with him, and will ask her to speak Spanish.
Hyeongjun:
From when he first walked into the company evaluations, she knew that she would have a hard time saying no to that face. After watching him go for X class to D and still work even harder, she fell for him more. She’d always hover around him, and he didn't mind at all. In fact he loved it. She reminded him so much of his older sisters, that in the span of talking for a few minutes he latched on to her. He became her son throughout the show and they still share that same relationship. He’ll actively seek out affection from her, which she is always happy to give. He sometimes slips into her room at night when he misses home, and being the night owl she is, is always welcoming him with open arms, and a space in the bed for him. Seungwoo has woken many times to the sight of them tangled together. She’s in love with his accent that slips out every so often, she melts with it.
Dohyon:
Their relationship is still a little rocky. They had never been on the same team during PDX, and even though, Jae-in is pretty social, she never really talked to him. Once they debuted, they started to talk a bit more. With their 9 year age gap and her being the only girl, he doesn’t really know what to say or do around her. Though, he’s starting to warm up to her since he sees that she joins in on some of Team Rocket’s shenanigans. He’ll sometimes get excited while talking about something and then kind of quiets down and blushes slightly when he sees Jae-in smiling at his excitement. He really likes her cooking and will shyly ask her what she’s making. Dohyon reminds Jae-in of her maknae from her previous group, in height, talent, and personality, so she often looks at him in adoration and sometimes has to hold herself back to not squish his cheeks. Jae-in would like to try composing some music with him, but is kind of scared that he’ll say no, though he’d like to do the same thing, but won’t ask for the same reason.
Jaein’s Masterlist
#x1#x1 12th member#x1 au#x1 oneshots#kpop#kpop au#kpop imagines#kpop oneshots#han seungwoo#cho seungyoun#kim wooseok#kim yohan#lee hangyul#cha junho#son dongpyo#kang minhee#lee eunsang#song hyeongjun#nam dohyon
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When you’re not doing well at uni and failing
okay, i know im not the best at keeping this blog bc its like not a physical thing so i forget i have it lol
but i wanted to just talk a little and vent bc of my life is pretty shit atm (the tips at the start are written post rant to actually give some advice instead of just venting)
Tip 1 - get out of bed
I know its hard, I could spend my life in bed and tbh I do. but I also know that while it feels like taking care of yourself to relax, I know it’ll make me more depressed. and it's super hard. I constantly tell myself to get up while lying there an entire day. but when you feel that little spur of energy or in my case annoyance lol use it. get up and get out.
Tip 2 - get out of your room
this is similar to tip 1 but if you find yourself in lack of motivation or energy go somewhere. take a walk, or go study in a library or cafe. and this can be even harder. having to get dressed? maybe interact with people? are you kidding me? but the minute you get out and even when you interact with people it feels better. you aren't holed up in your depression or whatever might be bothering you.
Tip 3 - it’s okay and it’s going to be better
right now it's shit. and it feels like its never going to get better. and that you're stuck in this rut forever. but things will turn even if you don't want them to. there can be a comfort and security in your depression bc it gives a reason to why it feels like its right. but you know what also feels like that? the good, and hopefully there will be more of those.
Tip 4 - do as much as you can handle
it's easy to not do things. I haven't done anything all semester. and it sucks bc it's biting me in the ass now. and it's not like I don't have the time. I just don't have the energy. so when I have the energy I need to remember that reading 3 pages of assigned reading is still better than none. I go to class even if I'm not paying attention bc it gets me up and out but also it gives a good idea of what I need to focus on etc.
Tip 5 - its okay to “give up”
i dont like the phrase giving up that much bc it sounds like defeat. i am in a process of severly considering not starting again next semester bc of my mental health. its serious consideration. but its one i need to make and if i decide not to go, it doesnt mean i gave up, i just realised that my current situation iisnt good and that i need to change stuff before i can continue instead of wasting my time doing a shit job at an expensive uni. so, thats good. figuring out what works and what doesnt is only a positive thing
today im in a somewhat good mood despite learning i failed my stats exam (dw its not bad we have multiple so i can still pass)
but the thing is, i have been in a very bad place or a long time and it has really been affecting me and by extension also my education.
i feel apathetic towards everything, im uninterested, and the stress and obligatoin feel i used to really on to study isnt kicking in anymore due to the apathy
im constantly tired, i cant get out o bed in the morning and we have madatory attendance (which probably is good bc otherwise i wouldnt be going to class probably)
my concentration and attention is somewhere completely different atm and its been weeks like this (usually its a few days) and i cant control it very well and its making it hard for me to study and pay attention
im letting myself slip, my room is slipping, my health is slipping
while im trying to get better and be more social which is easier than studying bc usually its just me and this one friend getting high and watching stupid videoes which is nice bc its a break to feel happy and entertained but its also not good for me
back to school stuff since this is a study blog
im no doing good in any of my classes, i barely passed two exams, failed one and possibly one more
i have an exam on friday i need to study for, and one on monday. i neeed good grades in these to make up for the not so good marks i have received before
and while i know that taking care of your mental health is more important not feeling like doing academic work is bothering me a lot actually and its a hellish circle of poor mental health leads to poor academic performance which then leads to poor mental health
and while my apathy and alexithymia saves me from feeling sad or upset by my grades i know deep down i want to do well. i want to succeed.
i cant keep not working, i need to put in work if i wanna improve. this isnt high school anymore
im doing some hard courses this semester and while i am usually interested in most of them i cant seem to care
im doing better today mentally and i feel up for getting some stuff done so im going to exploit that but i also just want to sleep and wake up feeling actually awake for once
im also getting sick so thats fun
my parents are also making me see a therapist (i haven't started yet) and i think thats a good idea but i have a lot of anxiety about it lol hence why i need therapy
im also going to talk to counsellor at school and see what she can help with as well
idk what id going to happen but im trying to finish my semester and get back into a good study rhythm. I anyone wants to throw some advice or encouragement my way id really appreciate it.
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If you're still taking prompts. 12. Things you said when you thought I was asleep. Prinxiety?
oof get ready fam im in a Mood
Fandom: Sanders’ Sides
Pairing: Prinxiety
Tags/Warnings: angst, saddness, self-deprecation, happy ending
Normally when Roman awoke it was to the sunlight gently spilling onto his sheets and birds chirping through the cracked-open window. Normally, he would immediately open his eyes and let out a loud yawn as he stretched his back and arms. Normally, he would bound out of bed, have coffee and breakfast, then get ready for the day just as Virgil was waking up himself.
Today didn’t seem to be a normal day.
Roman felt consciousness creep up on him slowly. First, his dream melted away and he slowly became more aware of reality; his slow even breaths, the soft weight of his blanket covering all but his right leg from knee to toes, the warmth of Virgil curled up in his arms. Then he began to wonder why he’d woken up. He couldn’t feel the tell-tale warmth of sunlight on his face or bed, and the grogginess gluing his eyes shut suggested he was awake far sooner than he aught to be. Finally, a voice reached his ears.
Virgil’s voice.
Roman had to concentrate to hear it over the sound of the air conditioning, but once he did he was certain - even though it was painfully quiet - that this was why he’d woken up.
“Sometimes, I think you’re too good for me. Well, who am I kidding; it’s most of the time. You’re just… so cheerful, full of life, seeing the beauty and adventure in everything. I know that… I know that I bring you down. I know that I can be too much, and that I hold you back. I know you’d be better off without me.”
His arms tighten around Roman almost imperceptibly and Roman has to remind himself to keep his breathing steady. He doesn’t want Virgil to realize that Roman can hear him; as dishonest as it is, he knows Virgil would stop talking and never bring it up. He might even never do this sort of thing again out of fear, and what if this was how Virgil vented life’s frustrations?
That thought made Roman’s heart sink.
“I’m too selfish, though. To leave you, that is. Sometimes I entertain the thought; what if I did what’s right and broke it off? Grabbed all my stuff one night and just told you ‘it’s over’ and left. Blocked your number so you could move on. But… what if I wasn’t so messed up? What if we could just be two happy people who went on ‘adventures’ and lived life to the fullest and saw the beauty in the little things? What if… What if you hadn’t met me?….. You’d be happier. You’d probably be with someone just like you, or at least someone who’s a better compliment to your personality. Someone who isn’t a chronic worry wart and who doesn’t get a panic attack when it takes you an extra ten minutes to get home because the freeway’s backed up.”
Virgil sighs. A small warmth dots the shirt on Roman’s chest and it takes him longer than it should to realize that Virgil is crying.
“It’s okay, though. We’re okay… right? Because… Because even if I’m selfish… You are too. You love me. I’m not stupid, even I know that. You probably wouldn’t leave me even if I started hitting you. I would never. Never. But… that’s just the kind of guy you are. It makes me sad sometimes. But also…. Also really grateful. That I ended up with someone who loves me, even though I can’t love myself.”
Virgil doesn’t say anything after that, and soon Roman finds himself drifting back to sleep. He hopes that in the morning he doesn’t forget what Virgil’s said; he wants to fix this, more than anything.
Virgil’s eyes squint in the sun’s light as he’s forced rudely into the waking world. He groans and rolls onto his stomach, hiding his face in the pillow to block out the light filtering between the curtains. After a moment of awkward open-mouthed breathing to get enough oxygen through the pillow, Virgil resigns himself to the fact that he’s not going to get back to sleep.
He sits up, blinking tiredly at the room around him. His eyes take in his and Roman’s shared bedroom and he forces himself to get out of bed, toes digging into the carpet below his feet as he stands. He doesn’t bother putting a shirt on as he shuffles into the hallway then on to the living room and kitchen, separated by a partial wall.
Roman, as expected, is already in the kitchen. He stands over the stove, monitoring whatever he’s cooking as he hums to himself. Virgil pauses to admire his boyfriend in the morning light coming through the kitchen window, his tanned skin warmed by the sun and his hair capturing its rays, giving him a soft halo.
Roman looks up and smiles when he notices Virgil, turning off the stove and walking over to the other, hugging him close. Virgil smiles and hugs him back, pressing a soft kiss to Roman’s neck.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
They stand like that for another moment before Roman pulls away, smiling a little wider and holding Virgil at arm’s length. “I made you breakfast.”
“You didn’t have to do that, Ro. I can make my own breakfast.”
Roman plants his hands on his hips, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Well, I did it anyway! Come here.” He takes Virgil’s hand and leads him over to the table where his favorites are spread out. Scrambled eggs with ketchup, french toast practically buried in powdered sugar, a large soft cinnamon roll, and crispy bacon all wait for him. Virgil sits down, picking up a piece of bacon and taking a bite. He smiles up at Roman. “This is good. Thanks, Ro.”
“Of course, my love. What would you like to drink?”
“Coffee, please.”
Roman nods and grabs him some, sitting beside him while he eats. After a couple of minutes, Roman starts pressing soft, innocent kisses to Virgil’s neck and cheek, complimenting him after each kiss.
“So handsome. Kind. Wonderful. Smart. Cunning. Brave. Sexy. Admirable.”
“Ro, not that I hate it, but what are you doing?”
Roman pouts innocently at Virgil. “Telling my boyfriend how amazing he is and how much I love him.”
Virgil laughs softly, shaking his head. “Can it wait for after breakfast?”
“Sure. After breakfast, I was hoping you’d like to watch some movies with me?”
Virgil blinks, confused. “You’re not going out?”
Roman shakes his head. “Nope! Wanted to spend the day with my perfect boyfriend.”
Virgil’s blush spread. “Uh… Sure. Okay. Sounds great, Ro.”
Roman smiled and pressed a kiss to Virgil’s cheek before getting up to set up their cuddle fort.
He had a boyfriend to spoil.
#sanders sides#sanders sides drabble#prinxiety#someday ill learn to write less#idk#roman sanders#virgil sanders
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