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longing-for-rain · 2 months

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On sexual abuse, trauma, and recovery

I’ve wanted to post something like this for a long time, because of things people have said directly to me and other things I’ve seen. It strikes me how people who haven’t experienced this really don’t understand how it feels, both in the moment and in the aftermath.

The reason I finally decided to make this post is actually on a more positive note—I’m writing this just after I’ve had my first real date in years. My first real date I’ve had the courage to go on after escaping a sexually abusive situation I endured for nearly a year during the COVID pandemic. I’m writing this to say that even though what I’m talking about it going to sound bleak and disturbing, it doesn’t end there. We can still move on. I used to think I would rather die than be looked at sexually again. I didn’t even want to go out in public. But I’m sharing because no matter how bleak what I’m about to say sounds, I’m still here. We don’t have to stay trapped; we don’t have to stay silent.

I’ll put the rest below, and please, read at your own risk because I will be discussing heavy topics such as sexual abuse and the aftermath of that.

I’ve learned a lot over the past few years, but probably the most important thing I’ve learned is that the idea that recovery is quick and easy is a myth. The idea that it’s easy to get justice when you’re abused is a myth. Some people will probably get angry at me for saying this, but in all honesty, I wish I’d been warned. That’s the part I truly wasn’t prepared for—how isolated I would feel in the aftermath, and how the people and systems that promised to always support victims failed me. I’m tired of being told that it’s easy to simply report and move on. It’s never that simple.

The first time it happened, I was naïve and drunk and blamed myself. I just blocked it out. By the time it fully hit home that I’d been assaulted, it was too late. I had no evidence of the event and knew nothing would come of it if I reported it. So I didn’t. It was painful enough that it happened. I couldn’t handle also being accused of being a lying whore trying to ruin an “innocent” man’s life for no reason. That’s how women like me are treated when we try to say anything.

That was right before COVID. During COVID, I was mostly online and that’s how I got into fandom again. I found comfort there, especially after what I’d been through, but unfortunately I repeated the same mistake I’d made the first time—I was naïve, I was somewhere unfamiliar, and way too vulnerable. Someone took advantage of that.

I don’t really want to go into details, but I was sexually groomed and abused over the course of about a year. I didn’t realize it at first, because that’s the cruel thing about grooming. When it starts slowly, you don’t realize what’s happening to you until it’s too late. I spent hours a day at times on the phone with this person. What I thought was “advice” was really just her pushing me into places (sexually) that she knew I wasn’t comfortable with. To this day I still don’t know if it was because she was interested in my sexually or if she just liked the idea of “corrupting” a much younger woman into destroying herself just like she had.

But at the time, I was blind to it. I thought it was just a toxic friendship. I felt hurt and traumatized but didn’t understand how to express why I was feeling the way I was. I didn’t yet recognize it as abuse, and even the slightest hint of that was crushed by my abuser and her friends. She knew the community better than me and how to manipulate it—how to make me look crazy for trying to come to terms with what happened. So ultimately, I simply blocked her, deleted every account I’d been associated with her on, and thought it would end there.

At the time it seemed like the best option. But later, I realized what I’d done. Those conversations were evidence, and I’d gotten rid of them all. So now I’m suffering the same fate I did the first time. I have no evidence. I have to deal with what happened, and I can’t prove it.

I did try to speak up, eventually, as many abused women do. I got a taste of why rape has a 2% conviction rate, why this is a crime that goes so often unpunished. People who barely knew the situation got involved, because they were friends of friends of the abuser. I was called things like “shit stirrer” and accused of “disrupting the community” for trying to say something. I lost friends I thought I could trust, either because they sided with my abuser or because they were too cowardly to say anything. And nobody has ever apologized for anything—not one. I’ll be honest. I seriously considered suicide multiple times and attempted once. The aftermath was even worse for me than the abuse in some ways. I was still living under the lie that as a victim, I’d have support and understanding from my community when in reality it was the opposite. Sometimes I feel like if it ever happened to me again, I would actually end my life. I don’t know if I could go through this whole process again.

So yes, that’s why it’s isolating. That’s why it’s so painful; why “just report it” is bullshit. If you haven’t been through something like this, don’t even pretend to understand. You will lose friends. You will be isolated and ostracized from communities you thought could support you. You will watch people repost essays about supporting victims on their social media turn around and blame you for your own abuse. You will watch people use sexual harassment and abuse in ship wars about fictional characters and then participate in your real life abuse. People will make fun of your sexual abuse. People will tell you your sexual abuse is hot. People will tell you that they understand, then side with your abuser anyway, after you’ve already opened up to them.

That’s the reality. Why is it this way? I don’t know. I think a lot of it is deeply ingrained misogyny, which is why I think it’s so so important to recognize and call out the misogyny intertwined in our culture and communities. It’s what creates the environment that allows this to happen and isolated victims from each other.

This is rambling, I know, but I’m getting frustrated by some of these anons spouting off about something they clearly know nothing about. Stop treating it like some easy thing that just goes away and that people actually care about sexual trauma and victims. They don’t.

#tw sa vent #tw sa #personal #tw suicide mention #tw misogyny #feminism

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milkyetoile · 11 months

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after this great post by @thesherrinfordfacility about Crowley and Aziraphale’s domestic, it got me thinking about the beautiful contrast between the relationships shown in season 2. it was such a great juxtaposition, a chiaroscuro in writing that seriously left me in awe and ruin, not just from what happened but for how the relationships were laid out in writing.

so here’s an essay on the romance in S2, written by your local arospec lesbian

Gabriel/Beelzebub

essentially, I think this was the “ideal” romance. two beings who were in high positions on opposite sides, having secret meetings to complain about their sides and then falling in love to Buddy Holly’s Everyday…there was an understanding at every meeting that they probably wouldn’t have reasons to meet anymore after they agreed, but they kept meeting anyway. they fell in love in the process until Gabriel placed his memories in the fly that Beelzebub gave him, after getting in trouble for not wanting to continue with armageddon't. and when the whole mystery was solved, they immediately agreed that they just wanted to be together and they did do that. they go off to Alpha Centauri to live happily ever after and both Heaven and Hell will probably leave them alone (probably).

I say it’s ideal because it’s like a movie or book romance. two people meet, get to know each other and fall in love, then conflict!! but once it’s resolved, they get together with a sappy ending. to be clear, I have 0 complaints with this, I’ve shipped them since s1 and they were cute in s2…but I also love how it was set up like the kind of romance both Aziraphale and Crowley were visualizing previously.

Nina/Maggie

this relationship was more realistic and healthier. Nina was in a horrible relationship with an emotionally manipulative partner (kinda parallel to Aziraphale’s experience with Heaven) and Maggie’s a disaster lesbian smitten with her. Maggie tries to make a move on Nina then finds out that Nina already has a partner, then Nina’s partner breaks up with her. then our two favorite idiots try to meddle and matchmake her with Maggie for the sake of the ruse. things go pear-shaped with them getting involved because Maggie wanted to help Aziraphale. but once everything’s done, Maggie and Nina actually talk about things and agreed not to start a relationship because Nina wanted to heal first after her breakup. and they agreed that after that, if Maggie was still interested (which she swore she would be), then they would try.

it was more realistic because they’re humans like us. part of what makes humans such pivotal parts of the story is that we have shorter lifespans that result in an “urgency” in comparison to the non-humans. striving for success, loving people–being on essentially a time limit motivates us to be a lot more direct and straightforward when the situation calls for it. humans have to grow to get what they want. and so, Maggie and Nina, as mature adults, decide to communicate properly and it ends with them not being together yet but having an understanding and being on the same page–a better foundation for romance than what Aziraphale and Crowley imagined for them.

Aziraphale/Crowley

this is the complicated, messy relationship with a generous heaping of unhealthy codependency and unresolved trauma. the slowest of burns, 6,000 years of knowing each other, and yet neither of them really talk. they’ve made some progress since armaggenah. they’ve both been more open in comparison to S1, they have been trying. but 6,000 years of dealing with their individual trauma plus being on opposite sides and needing layers of subterfuge and denial to even have a semblance of friendship…on top of that were the events of arma-fucking-geddon and the aftermath (which included COVID among other things, mind you)–4 or 5 years in comparison is nothing. they were just adjusting and getting comfortable in the new status quo…cranking up the engine, so to say. throughout s2, they both made assumptions about each other. they both clearly talk about wanting to be together but they had different ideas of how that would look like. they were on the same page for a mere sentence then ended up on different books altogether, so to say.

anyway, I’m losing my point bc it’s 5 am here and I’m finally getting sleepy…but it took them a time limit of the apocawhoops for their relationship to progress significantly. and another catastrophe plus a literal intervention from Maggie and Nina for further progress. then, when they’re finally completely honest about what they want between the two of them, it’s when they have two opposing ideas. and those said ideas tie back to their individual trauma and fundamental parts of their characters…honestly, as much as I’d love for them to end up together, they need time apart to grow, Heaven’s interference notwithstanding (looking at you, Metatron). ironically, Aziraphale says, “nothing lasts forever” yet their idea of forever is much longer than humans’ and that resulted in stagnation.

truthfully, I think this was also quite realistic. some relationships don’t work out due to various factors. you could find the person you’d be most compatible with in the world and still end up separating if you’re not emotionally ready. love is incredibly complicated and messy.

Final thoughts:

the ending of this season fucking hurts but honestly, I loved it. I personally love these kinds of stories. and the direction of those final scenes was just…*chef’s kiss*

I’ve rewatched that last scene with them at least 5 times already. am I a masochist? probably lol but seeing their minute expressions really digs in the knife more and I love it.

special mention to Michael Sheen’s acting during and after the kiss, like make it hurt more, why don’t you??

I really loved the juxtaposition and parallels between these relationships. beautifully done, I wish I could write like that. I didn’t think I could respect the phenomenal writers more but here we are.

if you need me, I will be spending the next few days rewatching S2 and reading and possibly writing fanfiction. we'll see.

#good omens s2 #good omens 2 #good omens s2 spoilers #go2 spoilers #good omens season 2 #idk how else to tag I hope I got all the spoilery tags #good omens season 2 spoilers #good omens 2 spoilers

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jahayla-parker · 2 years

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Hey I’ve had a horrible day feel like it’ll be like that for a while. And your work makes me feel so much better. Was wondering if you could do tom holland helping female reader who’s feeling very depressed and is lonely?? And he’s just there for her?? Please have a nice day.

Hi deary, I’m so sorry for just seeing this, it got tangled in the celebration requests.

I’m sorry you’re not feeling so great, I’ve been there. I strongly advise making sure you have someone to talk to even if you don’t feel like it, maybe a counselor, friend, the hotline, etc.

I’m honored my writing helps 💜😭

“It’s Okay Not to Be Okay” Tom Holland x Reader (Fic + Text SMAUs)

Summary: Tom’s girlfriend seems to be under the weather but he soon learns there’s more to it than that. Tom learns about her condition and does everything he can to be there for her as she fights against her emotions.

Lots of fluff and compassion

Warnings: depression (no su!cide discussed), strong emotions, and feelings of loneliness discussed

Note: this is NOT too romanticize depression or mental illness. I only felt comfortable writing this because I too have been diagnosed with depression.

Important: If you’re dealing with this, know you’re not alone, not a burden, are worthy of love and support, and there are options to feel better. 💜

Please do not read if you’re not in a place to do so 💜

Y/N's Phone:

She felt bad for not being straightforward with Tom and for saying she was going to rest.

It was true, but she was not 100% clear on the definition/context.

She was ‘resting’ but not sleeping as she knew he envisioned.

Instead, she knew she’d be spending the rest of her day lounging in the couch by herself.

She’d been through this before, but most of the time she was fortunate enough to have the boys around.

Whenever her depression would flare up, the boys always assumed her attitude and behavior were a result from having slept poorly.

She felt telling them the truth would be too much of a burden, especially for Tom.

She loved Tom and knew he loved her, but he had to travel often for work.

And she knew he would worry terribly if he found out. So instead, she elected to fight it in silence.

However, now that y/n and Tom had moved into their own home, the chaos of the boys was not there to distract her.

Instead, she was left alone with only her mind to keep her company. And boy was it bad company.

Depression wasn’t something new to her but that didn’t make it any easier.

In fact, it made it worse.

She knew it would be something she’d have to face again so trying to “stay positive” during an episode was not an option.

She also knew what coping mechanisms were healthy and would help and which wouldn’t.

While one would assume this would make it easier on her, it didn’t.

Instead, her depression made it so she couldn’t compel herself to do the healthy coping mechanisms she knew she should be doing.

This only made her more frustrated with herself and her situation.

It was a vicious cycle she was in.

And this time she was truly more alone than she’d been before which only increased the loneliness that accompanied her depression.

Today was a particularly rough day. This depressive episode as her counselor called it, had started about a week ago.

During that time, she’d done very little around the house.

Her job permitted her to work from home back when COVID first began and she had remained doing so ever since.

This meant she didn’t have to get dressed, do her makeup, or even leave her house for work.

Instead, she would seat herself on the bed or couch with her laptop and work from a slumped position.

Those were the good days in this depressive episode.

Some days she couldn’t even get herself to do that and had called in to work.

She felt pathetic and knew her behaviors were causing an increase in her misery but couldn’t get herself to stop.

———

So there she was again today, wearing a shirt of Tom’s and a pair of shorts.

Both of which were in much need of being washed.

As was her hair and body.

To be fair, the bedroom and living room weren’t much better.

The dishes from the few meals she managed to eat this past week were scattered and stacked in various places in the two rooms she occupied, having been unable to make it back to the kitchen with them.

Much less to clean and put them away.

She knew she’d have to do it at some point.

After all, she couldn’t have Tom seeing the house like this.

She was certain he would be understandably mad and she wouldn’t fault him for wanting her to move out of their shared place for causing such a mess.

So at some point between now and his return, she’d have to compose herself and clean.

But today was not that point.

Today was just another day in this episode.

She’d had long lasting episodes/flare ups in the past, but none this particularly rough.

No matter what she tried to do to help herself, her chemistry fought her.

For example, she had been talking to Tom over FaceTime on a daily basis as she always did when he was at work.

However, when her depression hit, she began to isolate as much as she could without concerning him.

Today it clearly got to the point of concern for him and even then she refused to allow herself to come clean and instead just let him believe she was sick.

To make it worse, she lead him to believe she was sleeping so that she wouldn’t feel guilty if she didn’t respond to him today.

Needing a distraction from herself, y/n turned the tv on and curled into a fetal position.

Netflix immediately brought her back to her last binge session when then screen turned on.

Sighing to herself, she pressed play and let herself dissociate through the tv in front of her as reruns played.

Tom's Phone:

Y/n heard a faint knock at her door but didn’t leave her position on the couch.

In fact, she didn’t even bother turning to look at the noise.

She felt as if she were watching herself from outside of her own body, the external view of her willing herself to get up and check who it was but her internal version remaining planted on the couch.

The only change was her mind began to think that it could be someone dangerous or trying to make sure no one was home before breaking in.

Despite this fear, she did not move off the couch but instead curled in towards herself more.

At this point, she wasn’t certain if she’d even want to attempt to fight them away.

She felt emotionally numb to her surroundings and it was an uncomfortable break from her normal turmoil.

Sure she despised her depression symptoms and the lack of concern for herself that came with it.

However, this was much different as she noticed she couldn’t feel any emotions.

There were no longer waves of anxiety over thoughts of someone seeing her mess.

There were no longer feelings of guilt and self blame over how she handled things.

There was nothing.

She wasn’t sure if this was worse or better.

———

Nikki quietly unlocked the door, having not heard a response and assuming y/n was asleep.

As she entered the house, she instantly noticed how dark it was.

All the curtains had been drawn shut, the lights turned off, and only the smallest glow was coming from the living room.

Hearing muffled voices as she neared the dim living room, Nikki realized the tv was on.

Apart from that, like the rest of the house, there were no lights on.

Squinting her eyes to see better in the harsh darkness, Nikki looked around and saw tissues all over the floor.

She frowned to herself as she thought of how sick y/n must be.

There were various items scattered around as well, as if y/n had tried to do things like read but didn’t.

Sighing, Nikki turned the light on so she could see what she was working with.

Her plan was to take in the situation, then find y/n and once she knew y/n was either asleep or otherwise okay, she would clean up the mess.

However, as she turned on the lamp, she saw y/n was in a hall on the couch.

What concerned Nikki was that she wasn’t even asleep.

When the realization that the lights came on hit y/n, she slowly lifted her head to look around.

Nikki let out a gust of air as her chest caved upon seeing y/n’s state and coming to the conclusion the girl was not sick with some illness.

Nikki had seen this before, just not with y/n.

She had never seen y/n move so slowly in the whole time she’d known her.

Nikki composed herself and sat down next to y/n on the couch, resting her hand on her calf.

“You’re not sick are you?” She whispers, knowing it was unlikely y/n had heard many noises and sudden changes in that could cause her more anxiety than she probably already had felt at someone seeing this.

It took y/n a bit to process what Nikki said, but she waited patiently until y/n shook her head no.

“Not physically, no” she said, her voice weak.

Nikki nods sympathetically.

Y/N’s brain told her she should feel ashamed for her boyfriend’s mom to be seeing her like this but she couldn’t feel the shame she expected.

As she noticed her mess around her and the lack of shame despite it, she wanted to cry but nothing came.

So she just stared at the wall behind the tv as if somehow waiting long enough would allow her to return to her emotions.

“Are you okay?” Nikki asks softly, watching y/n closely

“I… don’t know. I don’t really feel anything right now” she says, her voice drained off all emotion as well.

“You’re numb?” Nikki asks, the pressure of her hand on y/n’s leg increasing slightly without meaning to.

“I think so. I know I should be embarrassed and I want to be but I can’t… think. I know that doesn’t make sense…” she mumbles.

“It does. You don’t need to be embarrassed that you’re depressed” Nikki sighs.

“H-how did you know?” Y/n asks, finally turning to Nikki.

“Because… You’re not the first one I’ve found like this dear. We’ll get you through this, okay?” Nikki encourages, not wanting to reveal too much.

Y/n forces a shaky smile, wanting to feel grateful and to express that emotion but being unable.

Nikki gives her a sympathetic smile and stands up.

“I’m assuming it’s been awhile since you last showered. Let’s get that taken care of first, and while you’re doing that, I’ll tidy up” Nikki suggests, holding her hand out for y/n.

A tiny slimmer of emotion forms in y/n as her brain floods with guilt.

It was then that she realized she wanted to have her emotions back, even if it meant fully feeling her depression.

It would at least mean she would be more in tune with herself and her brain and body would have a minor connection again instead of the current void.

She sighs, “it is my mess, but thank you.”

Before Nikki can respond, y/n continues, “I know I’m in a… funk… but I’ll get it together. You don’t have to be here and deal with this”.

Nikki shakes her head, holding her hand towards y/n more firmly, “nonsense, we're family. We don't turn our backs on each other. "

Not feeling up to resisting, y/n agrees and follows Nikki to the restroom.

———

Nikki silently combs through y/N’s matted hair when she exits the shower.

“Nikki, who else did you realize had depression?” Y/n asks suddenly.

“I haven’t asked them to share so I won’t be specific, but one of my boys” she admits, detangling a string of knots.

“Oh my gosh, it’s not Tom is it? I swear I thought I would’ve known but maybe-“ y/n rambles, her guilt and anxiety returning.

It’s an uncomfortable emotional state, but at least she can feel it.

“No dear, it’s not Tom. The reason I mention it is so you know you’re not alone. It’s not easy to deal with but having a support system will really help “ Nikki smiles, watching as y/n processed her guidance.

———

Tossing the last of her tissues in the bin, y/n pastes on a smile as she looks to Nikki.

“Thank you for helping me clean up, you didn’t need to do that” y/n says.

“It’s not a problem dear, I’m used to four boys, this is nothing” she jokes.

Y/n laughs a genuine but small laugh.

“Alright dear, I’m going to get some items from the grocer so you can have food here, call me if you need anything” Nikki says, allowing y/n to settle back in front of the tv to rest.

“Thank you Nikki” y/n sniffles.

Tom's Phone:

Tom slams the gear into park and turns off the engine.

The keys clutches in his hand, his wallet and small backpack abandoned in the car behind him, as he runs to the flat he and y/n share.

He throws the door open once the deadbolt pops, only stopping it before it can hit the wall as to keep it from waking y/n up should she be resting.

Tom immediately makes eye contact with his mum as she pauses her unloading of groceries.

The look in his eyes causes her to sigh, “she’s in the living room. I told her not to fret over unloading as she does need some rest. Pushing through each time to get things done isn’t always a good idea”.

Tom nods, giving his mum a quick side hug and a soft thank you before heading to the living room.

———

Tom’s heart breaks when he sees his girl wiping her eyes with her hand as she sits in front of a black tv screen.

He isn’t sure what’s wrong, yet he can see what his mom means by her not being sick but still not okay.

“Darling?” Tom whispers, wanting to rush to her side but forcing himself to take slow steps.

“T-Tom?” Y/n gasps, aggressively rubbing her eyes now as she tries to appear more normal.

“Yes it’s me love, I’m home” he says, a few steps from her.

“Please tell me you didn't cancel your plans for me… I’m… not … actually sick Tom” she whispers, staring at her lap with tremendous guilt.

“I know” Tom says, sitting next to her and pulling her in for a hug.

———

They sit like that in silence for a few minutes before y/n crumbles in his arms and throws her arms around him as she cries.

Ignoring the piercing pain in his chest at seeing her this way, Tom takes a deep breath and holds her as tightly as he can without hurting her.

"Don’t worry, everything's going to be alright..." Tom promises, intent on doing whatever it takes to fix her bad day.

“I’m okay Tommy… you didn’t need to leave set” she whispers, tears still streaming down her face and onto his chest.

“No you’re not. It’s okay to have a bad day love” he shushes, rubbing her arm.

“…I get bad days often though, you can’t always leave for them” She says, no longer trying to keep him out.

His embrace and compassion towards her when he thought she simply had a bad day makes her feel accepted and comfortable sharing more information about her struggle.

“Wait, what?” Tom asks, suddenly feeling like he doesn’t have enough air in his lungs.

"They are normal, I get them all the time, I’ll be fine! You don’t need to cancel work” She says, feeling guilty for him leaving.

“.. you get constant bad days and you didn't tell me?!" He asks, his head spinning as he feels horrible for not realizing.

“It’s not every day Tom. I don’t really have control over it, but they’re just that… bad days… it’ll eventually go away” She shrugs, trying to minimize it.

“Y/n, I can tell there’s more. What are you not telling me?” He asks, looking at her pleadingly.

Y/n sits silently, unsure how to have this conversation.

“Say something, talk to me" Tom begs, squeezing her bicep softly.

“I… I hate hiding it from you because you’re, well you,… but I can’t stand the idea of being an even bigger burden and inconvenience Tom so please just trust me when I say I will figure it out and be fine” she says, her gaze finally turning to his face.

Tom’s heart stops momentarily upon hearing her words and seeing the anguish in her eyes.

“Darling, you know you're never a nuisance nor a burden. Not to me” Tom sighs, stroking her cheek.

She gives Tom a thankful smile but he can see her pain and hesitation behind it.

He kisses her forehead tenderly, “I’m not going to force you to talk about it now love. I understand if you need time”.

She snuggles closer to him, sniffling as she tries to compose herself.

“I just need you to know that, perhaps I don't say it enough, but... I'd like you to know that I’m always here, if you ever want to talk” Tom says, stroking her hair.

“I know Tom, thank you” she softly responds, her fingers tracing shapes on his stomach.

———

“I don’t want you constantly thinking and worrying about me when you’re away” y/n says as Tom adjusts the blanket he draped over them a few moments ago.

“Angel, I am never not thinking of you” Tom laughs gently, looking at her as she rests against him.

She blushes slightly but Tom notices her tongue move around in her closed mouth as her lips purse.

“Thirsty?” He asks, causing her to nod.

“I’ll get you some water” he says, cautiously lifting her frame from his so he can stand.

Seeing the look in her eyes, he bends back down, kissing her forehead as he whispers, “I promise I’ll be right back”.

———

When Tom makes it to the kitchen he sees his mum is pouring a glass of water into y/N’s favorite mug.

Tom smiles at her, “thank you mum”.

Nikki nods, “you’re doing great Thomas”.

He sighs, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t really even know what’s going on. How do I help her? Mum, how do I fix it?”

Nikki grins at how sweet her eldest son is, “Tom, let her come to you. You’ll know soon enough, it’s not my place to disclose anything”.

Tom nods, his eyes flickering to the living room.

“I.. at least tell me how to help, how do I fix this for her?” He asks.

“You don’t. Just be there for her like normal, it’ll work itself out. Once she tells you, you guys can find some solutions but for now she just needs you “ Nikki says, hugging her son.

“Thank you for your help mum” he says, hugging her back.

“I’m going to head out, let me know if you two need anything” Nikki nods, handing him the glass.

———

“Thank you for being here but I’m sorry you felt you had to come home” y/n says, sitting up slightly to sip the water.

Tom frowns, “hey now, no more apologizing. I’m glad to be home; besides I meant it when I said any reason, any time, any place.”

Y/n smiles genuinely as she recalls Tom and her promise to each other to always be there for the other no matter where they were, even if they were apart.

Tom grins as his eyes notice the faint but true smile forming on her face.

“You.. you came home for me despite being at work” She whispers, setting her water down as he joins her on the couch again.

“Love, of course I came for you... it would take so much more than that to stop me” Tom assures her, his hand resting on her’s against the seat beneath them.

“Bu-but it’s your dream Tommy. You don’t need to risk that just because I’m…” She argues.

“Y/n, acting isn’t my dream” he sighs, interlacing his fingers through her’s from the back side of her hand.

“What?” She asks, panicking that she doesn’t know him well enough after all.

“Acting isn’t my dream. Y/n, you are my dream. Life with you is my dream. Acting is a passion, but you, my love, are my dream” Tom admits.

Y/n shuffles in her seat to look at him better and tears well up in her eyes again as she admires the man before her.

“Y-you’re my dream too Thomas Stanley Holland” she chokes.

Tom smiles widely and nods, "I’m glad, now love, what can I do for you right now?"

“Just… just hold me?” She suggests.

Tom wastes no time in bringing her to him and covering her body with his embrace as much as possible.

“Did you eat yet today? I can order something." Tom asks when he notices y/n hold her stomach as if in pain.

“Nikki made me eat earlier, this just happens when I get like this” She tells him.

Tom smiles at the idea of his mum taking care of his girlfriend and forcing her to eat despite how stubborn y/n can be.

“What do you mean this happens? If you are not hungry, are you in pain, nauseated, or what?” Tom asks, desperately wanting to know what she’s feeling.

“Kinda both, mostly pain” she says softly as if it will make it easier for Tom to deal with.

Sighing, Tom tilts her head towards him so he can look into her eyes.

“Pain is not normal, we need to call someone” he says, reaching for his phone blindly as his eyes remain on her.

“Tom there’s nothing they can do. It’s not a big deal, it happens every time and it’s the least of my symptoms when this flares up” she admits, pushing his hand down from the table.

“Baby, I want to help you but I don’t know how if you won’t tell me what is going on” he says, brushing several strands of hair from her eyes.

“You don’t need to help me Tom, I’ll be fine” she says, giving him a smile he sees through easily.

"You've been helping me ever since we met. It’s fair I get to start repaying the favor” he argues, tapping her nose.

“You always help T, but this time you don’t need to. There’s not much that can be done. I’m okay and will get myself through it. I don’t want you stressing over this when you have filming and then press, and then you-“ she begins, mentally checking off his list of responsibilities she’s interfering with.

“Y/n stop. I’m serious. I think it’s time for a little tough love. I adore the way you care for everyone else all the time. And maybe you do it because you think it's your job to look after everyone else and just face your own struggles alone. But it's not supposed to be like that. It needs to work both ways. Right now, it's my turn to look after you. I want to look after you. Okay?" He asks, more telling than truly asking.

She giggles twice at his response and nods, “okay”.

“You said this, whatever this is, happens often?” He asks, sitting up and moving her to be sitting in his lap.

She bites her lip and nods.

“How often?” Tom presses, guilt causing bile to raise in his esophagus as he questions how many times she’s felt this way without him knowing.

“I don’t know” she says, continuing when she sees his facial expression, “really. It’s random, but my counselor calls them episodes, for me I just think of them like flare ups or random rounds I face”.

“Rounds?” He asks, tilting his head slightly.

“Yeah, I think of it as like boxing rounds or something” she says shyly, still unsure how to explain her situation, “they come every now and then and each is different in severity”.

“Like rounds of fighting? You’re having times, or rounds, where you feel like this and have to fight until they end?” Tom questions.

She nods, “yeah, exactly”.

"And how bad is it this time?" He asks, squeezing her hip.

“Uhh.. this time is worse than it’s been before” she admits, eyes locked on her lap.

“When was the last time before now?” He asks kindly.

“I don’t recall exactly, but at least six months ago. So I’ve been okay for awhile!” She says, hoping to cheer him up and distract him.

“So before we moved?” Tom asks, trying to piece it together.

“Yes” she whispers, “but that’s not what caused it. These episodes just happen randomly. This time was just worse cause…”

“Because?” He asks, squeezing her again to get her to look at him.

Her saddened eyes look into his melted chocolate ones, “it was harder to fight the feeling of loneliness”.

She feels guilty and ashamed admitting it but she knows Tom’s eyes well enough to know he’s silently pleading her to answer truthfully.

“Because I wasn’t here” Tom sighs, closing his eyes briefly.

“No. Because no one was. Tom, it’s not the first time I’ve had an episode when you were away” she says, hoping he’ll understand it’s not his fault.

“It’s not?!” He panics, calming himself when he sees her guilt at his reaction to her having been honest.

Relaxing as much as he can so she doesn’t shut him out again, he sighs, “I don’t know if it’s worse that I wasn’t aware you were hurting when I was there for these episodes or if it’s worse that I wasn’t here for some of them to help you”.

“Tom” she sighs, her hand cupping his cheek; movements still slowed by her depressive state, “you knew when I was hurting when you were home”.

He shakes his head, “I’ve never seen you like this”.

“I know. I masked it Tom. I hid it from you, from the boys, from your family, my family, our friends, everyone. I… I fought it myself but you could still see I was having a bad day. I usually am good at making an excuse for it” she rambles.

“An excuse…” Tom sighs.

“Not a true lie because usually it was true. Someone would ask if I slept well and when these flare ups happen I don’t. So admitting that allowed the excuse of being tired as the reason behind my behavior. Other times I would truly have a tough day and while it wasn’t the reason I was like this, I let you believe it was. I’m sorry” she frowns, seeing the sad look in his normally warm eyes.

“Why wouldn’t you just tell me?” He asks, causing her to look back at her lap as her lip quivers.

“No, no, no. I’m not mad” he tilts her head back up, “I just want to know, why?”.

“I… it’s not a fun conversation and not everyone can handle it. I love you too much, I couldn’t risk scaring you away” she admits.

Tom frowns, “you don't need to worry about scaring me off. I’m not going anywhere. Y/n, you can try as hard as you want, but there's nothing you can say that's going to make me love you any less. There’s nothing you can tell me that will make me see you differently”.

She bats her eyelashes to clear her vision as she chokes on a sob before violently throwing herself against him.

“Shhh love” Tom coos, rubbing her back as she shakes in his arms.

“It’s okay, it’ll be okay. I’ll make sure of it” he says, silently hoping he can fulfill that promise since he doesn’t know the cause of her pain.

———

After a few moments of sweet nothings and needy cuddles, she leans back and tries to calm herself so she can explain her situation.

“Would you like some tea darling? Maybe some chamomile?” Tom suggests.

She nods, Tom fighting a smile when her eyes flicker at the idea.

“But, I don’t want to leave your arms “ she admits weakly.

“Hmm, I think we can manage that” he says, helping her stand.

He grips her hips firmly, “jump my dear”.

She hesitates briefly but when he squeezes her hips and starts lifting her off the floor, she bends her knees to help him pick her up.

She wordlessly wraps her legs around his waist, not needing any instructions.

Tom moves one hand to her lower back to ensure she’s secure as he walks to the kitchen.

He grabs the tea container from the counter and get out enough for two cups.

Y/n leans her head down and into the crease of his neck as she relishes in the scent of his cologne she missed.

Tom glances at her as he starts the hot water.

“Is there anything else you’d like to do today?” He asks, rubbing her back as the water heats up.

“No, that’s part of the problem “ she sighs.

Unsure what she means, but not wanting to push her to elaborate until she’s ready, he kisses the side of her head.

“Sorry” she mumbles against him.

“No need to be sorry love, I’m more than content just holding you” he promises.

———

As they sip on their tea in silence, Tom watches her for any clues.

Once she’s finished with her mug, she sets it down on the coffee table and pops her knuckles nervously.

“I’m not good at this” she blurts.

Tom sets his mug down, “with what?”.

“Being vulnerable” she sighs.

“I understand. If you’re not ready, you don’t need to tell me. I’ll be here regardless” Tom encourages.

“I want to tell you… I do… it’s just… it’s a long story and I don’t know how to tell it” she admits.

“I’m listening love. I don’t care how long it takes, I’m invested. And you can tell it however you’d like” he assures her, rubbing her hip with his thumb.

“Okay… so I guess I need to start by … informing you I have… depression” She whispers.

Tom holds his breath in order to not let her see her confession made his chest cave and breathing becomes shaky.

———

Tom nods along as he listens respectfully to her talk in circles as she tries to explain.

When he notices a pause, he asks, “how long has this been happening?”

“This time or overall?” She responds softly.

“Overall” he says, watching her facial expressions.

“Since I was little. I had been on meds in middle school but I didn’t like them “ she frowns.

“I see. And how long this time?” He asks hesitantly.

Tom notices her pause and waits silently until she’s willing to tell him.

“Around a week “ She admits, refusing to look him in the eye as she knows he’ll be upset she didn’t tell him earlier.

Tom notices this and leans forward to kiss her temple, “I’m sorry you’ve been struggling for so long love”.

———

“.. sorry, I talked too much" Y/n says, cutting herself off from explaining her symptoms to Tom when he requested details.

“No no no, not at all. Keep talking" he encourages, kissing the corner of her mouth.

He smiles to himself upon her lips curving upwards slightly at his touch.

He nods his head to signal her to keep going.

He wants to know her experience.

He wants to know how she’s feeling.

He hates she’s in pain but wants to know what it’s like for her.

He wants to understand what she faces with her depression.

He wants to know as much as possible so he can help her.

“So yeah” She forces a laugh, “that’s what it’s like. I know I’m not alone in a general sense, or when with you or the guys not in a literal sense either. But even then it’s lonely and I hate it because I know I shouldn’t feel that way “.

Tom nods sympathetically and combs through her hair next to her face with his fingers as she tangled it during her shaking grasps at it while elaborating on her emotions.

“Y/n, I'm so proud of you. I know it's been hard to get past these rough days, and face your depression. And while you need to know you don’t need to do this alone, that I don’t want you to do this alone... I still want you to know that I’m proud of you” Tom says, offering her a tender kiss.

“For what?” She sniffles, letting his eyes melt her tension.

“For being so strong and fighting so hard” he says as if it’s obvious.

“But I’m not, Tom the house was a mess! Y-your mum- I had made a disaster and Nikki had to help me clean. She had to help me get into the shower as it had been a week. She had to undo the mats in my hair. She had to make me eat. She had- well you get the point. She’s the strong one Tom “ y/n argues, her cheeks pink in embarrassment as she officially realizes the state Nikki saw her in.

“Love, hey, look at me” Tom says, waiting until she does, “my mum adores you. She seriously didn’t mind. I’m glad she was here to help you baby. So is she. You don’t need to be embarrassed or guilty, it’s okay to not be okay all the time”.

Y/n shakes her head in denial.

Tom scoffs, “yes it is. We’ll find a way to manage your depression. It’s not something we can ignore but you don’t need to face it alone either. You’re strong enough to, but you’re not going to face it without me anymore”.

———

“Thank you Tommy” She says, her hands tucked into Tom’s hoodie as they return to their flat.

“Of course. I read some exercise can help depression symptoms. It says it won’t always but I figured it was with a shot “ he rambles nervously, hoping he didn’t overstep.

“I love you T, that’s the sweetest thing” she grins, honored he took the time to read up on her condition while she napped in his arms earlier.

“I love you too beautiful. Let’s get you into a warm bath before bed” he suggests as he opens the door to their home, recalling another coping mechanism he learned.

———

“I can walk” she whispers, Tom having picked her up after she was in her pajamas.

“I know, but your body is still exhausted darling. I’ve got you” he defends, cradling her as he walks to their bedroom.

She smiles weakly at him but he knows it’s real and he kisses her nose.

Tom sets her down under the covers before tucking her in.

“Ooh, this piece fell out” Tom blurts, taking a strand of hair that fell from her messy bun of blow dried hair and putting it back up and off her face.

She thanks him before yawning, appreciating the fact he not only blow dried her hair as he remembered she hates sleeping with a wet head, but also tried his best to keep the hair off her face.

Tom smiles, “I know how much you hate your hair being down when it’s hot at night”.

Tom turns the bedroom fan on before joining her in their bed.

“Thank you for coming” she says, inching closer to him.

“I’ll always come home as long as it’s to you my love. Please don’t hesitate to ask for help next time” he says, gently hooking his arm around her waist.

She nods, kissing his cheek softly, Tom noticing her chapped lips.

He makes a mental note to make sure she gets proper hydration tomorrow and to grab some more chapstick for her from the store.

“Thank you for opening up and telling me about your depression” Tom says, holding her to him.

“Thank you for listening and caring” She responds, her body turning to mush in his arms.

“You don’t need to thank me for that my love. Let me see your phone, I want all your alarms turned off” He says.

Without leaving his arms, she twists her shoulder so she can grab the device from her bedside table.

“Oh, you have some texts” Tom says, a huge grin betraying the fact he unintentionally read the first few that popped up.

Squinting in confusion, she grabs it from him, skipping out of his arms to see it.

She blushes and feels tears form in her eyes again as she reads the group chat she’s in with the Holland family.

Y/N’s Phone:

She buries her head into Tom’s shoulder after replying and hands him the phone.

He grins as he looks at the messages and kisses her ear.

“Your family is so precious “ She blushes.

“They’re your family too darling” he says, biting his lip to not blurt out his intention to take a step towards making that official soon.

Y/N’s Phone:

After muting and locking her phone, Tom pulls her frame closer to him as he whispers sweet words in her ear.

Once she’s asleep, he smiles and kisses her forehead.

Closing his eyes, Tom lets himself relax now that he’s home and knows what’s going on.

He knows it’ll be something they need to face time to time, but they’ll be doing it together now.

He knows she’ll need more time to escape this round but he plans on being there every moment of it, filming not even crossing his mind.

“It’s okay not to be okay, but we’ll get you there” He whispers against her hair as he drifts to sleep

———

Tag list: @galaxyholland @spideysbae @mcushvft @fishingirl12 @raajali3 @justapurrcat @users09

Prompt guidance: @soulprompts

#tom holland x reader #tom holland #tom holland fluff #tom holland x y/n #tommy baby #my writing #requests #tom holland x you #tom holland fanfic #tom holland comfort #thomas stanley holland #tom holland comfort fic #Tom holland hurt comfort #tom holland depression #tom holland smau #Tom holland text

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leviathans-tail · 9 months

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I’m so confused and I feel like such an asshole. There’s someone I’ve been talking to for a couple months now and we really get along. They asked me if I would like to date them today and I honestly don’t know how to answer. We have a lot of similar interests and values but we’re just at different points in life (we about the same age tho) and idk if we’ll be able to make it work. First of all, we live pretty far apart and idk what entails going into a long-distance relationship like this (or any relationship for that matter). They’ve been talking about moving for a while now and I don’t want them to move because of me, especially when I’m not sure about my feelings. I’ve had crushes before but they always just remained crushes. I never acted on them, nor did I have any real desire for a relationship with those crushes. Like I’m theory, everything seems good, but when I realistically think about it I’m averse to it??! I think??? I haven’t told them that I’m asexual yet which I have no idea how they’ll react to… (I will be telling them when I respond). Idk maybe I’m aromantic too and I just never realized. I just don’t get it because when it comes to fictional characters, I get fucking feral and I’ll say I want them to do unholy things to me, but when it comes to a real person who has an interest in me, I get nauseated just thinking about it. What the fuck is wrong with me???

Also like we’ve had a couple virtual dates and while I had a blast talking to them, I didn’t have any butterflies in my stomach or excitement about it the way I’d expect. I’ve only been on a couple irl dates before and I didn’t experience the butterflies then either. It just felt awkward and unnatural to me. Maybe I’m just afraid that because it’s a “date” or because we would be “dating”, that there’s an expectation of sex at some point and I’m not totally down for that???

I know some will say it’s pathetic that I’m almost 30 and have only had these limited experiences and I’m acting like how they acted as a teenager but this is all so foreign to me. Dating wasn’t even on my radar until undergrad because I knew I was asexual by the time I was 16 and was just trying to figure out the rest of my identity. For undergrad I went to small college without many “options” to date you could say. Then Covid hit while I was doing my masters, and now here we are.

Also doesn’t help that in undergrad I had a massive crush on a friend and I still have some lingering feelings as we are still friends to this day. We also have similar interests and even more similar values than I have with this person I’ve been talking to. Also, we’re in similar positions in life and imagine similar trajectories with our lives.

Also also minor thing but this person isn’t a citizen and there’s always the thought in the back of my mind that they’re just lying to me to get citizenship. I highly doubt this is the case because they were upfront about not being a citizen and explained their situation fully. They also seem genuine, but there’s always that voice in the back of my mind.

So yeah, I’m a mess, romantically speaking. I think I just need to stop talking to people.

If anyone reads this and has advice or can relate please say so. I would like to know that I’m not alone in this

#kitty speaks #asexual #aromantic #dating #aroace #ace #personal #ramble

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scarletify · 1 year

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My 2022

Hello! And happy new year! With the end of a year I always find myself thinking back. Unfortunately, this was another really bad year for me. I remember making similar sentiments at the end of 2021. It feels like this year life was against me every step of the way. I started the year with covid. I spent most of the year unable to comfortably live in my home due to a bad situation with floor contractors. And the last quarter of the year was bad due to private, personal problems. I know it's been no secret that I've been doing very poorly. I feel like that gets reflected in my comic work. For the second year in a row I was unable to reach my goal of 100 new pages in a year. I apologize once again for being so slow with the progress of my webcomic. I do feel hesitant to talk about this kind of stuff, as I don't know if I would be annoying or misunderstood. But the fact is, I am dealing with severe depression, and have been for a really long time. This year I think one of my biggest hurdles to my productivity was just getting out of bed. There's several reasons for this. I'm struggling financially, and have found myself very isolated in general. A part of that is because I got too wrapped up in my work, and now I find myself largely alone. I can't help to but see the irony in that, as the original intent with my webcomic was to vent out my own feelings of loneliness. Now it feels like my comic is the source of it. In 2019 I had to move to a location I didn't want to. It was supposed to be a short term situation, and then covid happened. I have been living here ever since. The longer this has gone on the worse I have been feeling, and the longer it goes the more it feels like things will never change. I feel completely trapped. I'm sorry, I've become a very depressing person. All that said though, I'm still trying my best. I don't want to give up. And I have some positive things to share in my retrospective as well. Recently I've been making attempts to reach out and broaden my horizons. One way I have been doing this has been through my Youtube channel. A source of joy for me this year has been making videos about something I love: Final Fantasy. I was surprised to find that people have been enjoying them, and the whole process has been a lot of fun and encouraging for me. I also took my first ever commission for a physical product. The character charms I made were a lot of fun to do! And it's given me a lot of hope for a new avenue I can take my work in the future. It's something I want to very seriously look into, and I want to try really hard to open an online store in the coming year. I hope this next year I can take a huge step in my personal growth. I'm a very anxious person, and I struggle to talk to people. But I want that to change. I want to keep in touch with the people I know. I want to meet new people and make new connections. I want to find the courage to put myself out there. If you read through all of this, thank you. If you supported me this last year, thank you. If you enjoyed my comic, my art, or my videos, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Here's to a new year ♥

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conduitandconjurer · 2 years

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sorry this got long, so keep scrolling if you aren’t in a headspace for a mutual to vent ooc.

i’m upset for stupid reasons that, i think, go back to bigger or deeper things IRL.

i’m upset that i’ve been too busy as my mother’s sole caretaker OR playing frantic catch-up at work (i’m a professor and it involves a LOT of grading, lecturing, reading, and writing, and frankly extracurricular things like counseling and reporting concerns about students’ emotional or physical safety) to do things like shower, sleep 7-8 hours a night, eat as healthily as i should, exercise, and most of all, do ANYTHING creative to my own satisfaction. it has been more than a WEEK since i have showered! it has been since JUNE since i have even started a complete, finished, full-color artwork.

yeah, i know the positivity drill: “you create things for your own joy, not to be good at them.” but i only enjoy making things (image or word) that i can do with a certain degree of thoroughness and depth. i don’t like to half-ass anything. there’s also executive dysfunction borne of crippling anxiety and depression, which are more situational (C-PTSD) than the result of brain chemistry.

so i’m mad. i’m sad. i’m lonely. i’m tired. i want to just have some semblance of a normal adult life. i have not had a normal life since i was diagnosed with an incurable, progressively worsening illness AT AGE SIX. and i have let it get MUCH worse (my kidneys, stomach, eyes, lymph nodes, and blood vessels are all so badly damaged that there is no fixing them, there is just praying they don’t get worse, and now all sensation in my hands is going too: i can barely type this) because i’ve had to take over for my mother (no, insurance won’t help us, believe me, i’ve looked into it: she’s on dialysis but somehow “not sick enough”) and i have NO TIME to see my OWN doctors and do the necessary lifestyle changes to make MYSELF any better. i want to take a shower, and have energy to do anything after that. i want to go on a date. hell, i have a new boyfriend, but i find dating him to be a chore that i dread because i am so fucking drained by the end of the week that I’d rather just go to bed.

i want to be selfish. i just want to be SELFISH for ONE DAY.

but i know that’s not realistic. i mean i live in a world where everyone, EVERYONE, that i know, has just gone back to attending major events maskless, even though COVID is still surging. people like me are apparently expendable; we’re “sick anyway,” so if we die, it’s “expected.” we get left behind and NO ONE NOTICES.

i won’t be able to do Sheehantober/Sheetober, whatever it’s called, that super cool thing with all the creative prompts.

i won’t be able to draw/paint the entire notebook of ideas i’ve had waiting for “free time” since last february.

i won’t have time to answer my drafts here, that have been sitting since may.

i won’t be able to even catch up on Discord threads, and I CAN’T EVEN FIND THE TIME TO CELEBRATE KLAUS’S BIRTHDAY WITH GOOFY LIGHT HEARTED SIMPLE THINGS. I FUCKING FORGOT ABOUT IT ENTIRELY.

but honestly THAT DOESN’T MATTER EITHER, because i haven’t had the time to form many meaningful connections with people (aside two lovely souls who know who they are) in this fandom, and nobody inboxes me or responds to my open starters anyway. plus if they did, i’d probably be too sick or tired to do a thing about it.

mom just spilled perishable stuff all over the kitchen floor trying to get her own food, so now i have to go mop that up even though my sciatica is so bad that i’m sweating. this weekend, i have to somehow find time to get a house cleaner, inventory and remove extra dialysis supplies (32 HEAVY boxes to cover), find and buy a table with very specific parameters to hold a dialysis cycler, etc etc etc). a day in the life.

and you think, “can’t you ask somebody to help?” friend, if you say that, you have never experienced TRUE chronic illness, and how very quickly people you are close to become “too busy” to help when they have to interact with (noncommunicable!) illness, and acknowledge their OWN mortality.

#ooc #chronic illness cw #medical cw #sickness cw #depression cw #mental health cw #please do not reblog

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troglobite · 2 years

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i doubt anyone will read this bc either tumblr is hiding most of my posts or ppl (rightly) skip over my read more posts bc they��re a bunch of fucking bullshit

but anyway warning i get extremely fucking depressed and talk about wanting to die. i’m fine, i’m safe. nothing’s going to happen. but fucking christ, man.

anyway on with the post--

i’m trying to figure out a productive and healthy way to express this

i want to be dead

i wish i was dead

i don’t want to be alive

i hate everything

it’s all hopeless and i don’t want to exist

i don’t necessarily feel like this all the time

i’m finding other jobs (my mom is, because i’m a pathetic useless lump who deserves to be summarily executed for the crime of ever having been born)

i’m working on my miss frizzle game (not right now, bc rn i’m struggling through a job app and fighting off the feeling of wanting to die)

i just sent an email about a possible commission of my clownsona

but ultimately

i have nothing to live for

the world is actively falling apart around me and I FUCKING KNOW i’m supposed to find something productive to do to help, something to focus on that helps the world in some way, so that i don’t feel this way

but there is nothing. there is nothing i can do.

the joke is that i have spent every day since JANUARY 2020 doing everything in my power to keep from getting sick and to keep from dying

and my desire to not want to be alive anymore doesn’t mean that i’m going out and huffing covid patients’ breath or licking door handles in public schools

in no way shape or form do i want THOSE (plagues) to be my mode of death

i haven’t really thought that far ahead, so i guess that’s something. i’m not planning much of anything. i probably won’t.

which is why i just.

need to say this SOMEWHERE where people won’t freak out and report me. because i’m not going to do anything.

but i don’t think i can say anything to my therapist on friday.

and my friends (the extremely small number of them that even exist) aren’t in any headspace to deal with this.

but i just have to PUT THIS SOMEWHERE.

i’m lonely. i have no legitimate prospects. i’m going to lose my job in two weeks even though my boss had 7 months to talk to me about any of this or warn me and she hasn’t, and she STILL hasn’t. i’m still, officially, completely in the dark about my job.

i’ve spent the majority of this year so far fighting with people at the university over this fucking lousyass job.

and now the first job i had lined up back in may stopped hiring, and they STILL aren’t hiring

and now the SECOND job i had lined up isn’t hiring anymore

and i’m having to cave to all of these fucked up questionable high stress positions that won’t pay much

i’m having to grovel on my knees, on my stomach, for any fucking job

because i have to work from home

why? because i refuse to get sick and die because of capitalism

but also that situation in and of itself makes me wish i was dead

my mom is leaving in two weeks, as well, right as i lose my job.

for the world’s most dangerous country-long road trip for a “celebration of life” for her older sister who was chronically ill for 20 year before passing. and somehow no one sees the fucking DEADLY IRONY of holding a CELEBRATION OF LIFE in the middle of TWO UNRESOLVED UNCONTROLLED HIGHLY DEADLY HIGHLY DANGEROUS PANDEMICS

so i get to sit ALONE in the house

in absolute terror and agony and fear and heartsickness

trying to figure out a new job on my own

and just. deal with. everything. on my own.

i don’t have anyone or anything.

what’s the point? what is the FUCKING point?

i look at myself and i hate myself with so much fucking virulent DISGUST

i’m so tired.

i’m so tired of trying and failing and being shit on or exploited or hated or disregarded

i took one voice acting/over class. that led nowhere.

i wanted to do this INCREDIBLE shakespeare course. it’s just never going to happen. i’ve asked.

i applied TWICE to a free workshop for people just getting into recording audiobooks. i’ve been denied BOTH times.

i tried a new job last year that went so poorly i quit in three months.

i applied to TWO editorial internships at publishing houses. i was rejected for one and the other one is w fucking PRH which is embroiled in that lawsuit right now. FUN.

i applied to a freelance editor position last year for a kids publishing house. after 6 months, they FINALLY rejected me because i “wasn’t up to their standards”. even though the application call went out on TWITTER and asked for ANYONE OF ANY LEVEL OF EXPERIENCE to apply, particularly from marginalized groups. it literally said we did NOT need to know ALL of their in-house editing rules on our editing sample test, bc we would be taught on the job. and then 6 months later they said “no, fuck you, you’re trash”

i ALMOST got a preceptor position at a university for a theater course with a GREAT professor who i really liked (based on our interactions in the interview), but then he ghosted me for 2 weeks bc his university stopped allowing out of state hires. i emailed him again recently and he said sorry, same problem. i’ll reach out if we ever solve it/can hire out of state again.

i’m just. tired of trying. and failing. and having nothing work out. or being rejected for stupid reasons.

and then this week finding out that my superior and EIC for the journal i work for at my job thinks that i was “mean” to a fucking lousyass student who CHEATED on their paper. i called them out on it--they didn’t read ANY of their sources and demonstrated a complete lack of understanding about rape, rape culture, toxic masculinity, power, and sexual assault, and i’m just supposed to LET THAT SLIDE? i don’t care if this is supposed to be a supportive and encouraging environment--I WAS BEING ENCOURAGING AND SUPPORTIVE BY BEING HONEST WITH THE STUDENT INSTEAD OF LETTING THAT SHIT FLY.

i’m just trash! i’m fucking trash!

no one wants to play my fucking miss frizzle game! no one wants to talk to me! or play games with me! I DON’T FUCKING MATTER!

I TRULY JUST DON’T MATTER!

my life is fucking pathetic and empty and useless and occasionally i try to do something to fill the vacuous empty void eating me alive and i just feel WORSE. more consumption and wasteful spending to try and make ME feel better. i deserve to die.

i deserve to be dead.

i’m tired of being here.

i don’t have any hope for anything. it’s just status quo until the majority of us go up in flames or underwater or away in winds or in a fucking shooting or a plague or a war or SOMETHING. WHO KNOWS.

i never, not once, thought that i would die young. i hoped i wouldn’t. i made it through my teenage years without any serious su/cidality.

and now here i am. 27, almost 28. in the middle of two plagues. fascism on the rise. no hopes or prospects in my personal life. nothing to really LIVE for.

it’s pathetic and disgusting and i wish i was dead. i wish i had anyone or anything to live for. not to put it all on them, but so that i could process this shit on my own and not feel this way.

but instead here i am. typing it all out on tumblr like some pathetic fucking loser.

i’ll probably fucking delete this, too, it’s fucking gross and embarrassing and it’s not anyone’s problem but my own. i know no one cares or has the energy/wherewithal space to care.

but in case you’re wondering why it might seem like i haven’t been reaching out or caring--

this is partly why.

the other reason is that if we mostly talk over tumblr then tumblr has cut off all of my major forms of communication with y’all. i’m being deliberately isolated even more than i already am.

this is just. pathetic. and hopeless. idk what to do with any of this. i want to break something. i want to take a sledgehammer and break things until my body falls apart.

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warden-melli · 2 years

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A lots been going on so I’ve hardly had time to draw/be online much lately. Kinda need to shout into the void for a bit so I’m gonna vent a little.

Pretty much my whole building has covid except for my gf and I. I’m supposed to be getting my Melli tattoo next week, so I’m trying my hardest to stay away from everyone so that I don’t get infected. I’ve waited months for this appointment (my artist is booked out for months in advance), and I’d hate for it to get pushed back so close to the date. I’ve spoken to my artist about the situation, and as long as I test negative on the day she said it’s okay to go ahead, so we’ll have to wait and see.

I’m also in the middle of packing to move because of flood damage earlier in the year. I was told (without much warning) that all the ceilings, some of the walls and the floors have to be replaced, so I have to get all my stuff packed up and moved out quickly so that the repairs can be completed. I have a new space lined up, but it’s also in the middle of being repaired due to the flood damage, so ya boys shit outta luck in the meantime. I have no idea where I’m gonna put literally everything I own, and also where we (+two dogs and two snakes) are gonna sleep so ahhhhhh that’s been fun 🥴 it’s also the middle of winter here, so not a great time to be between housing

I’m sure I’ll figure something out but it’s been pretty stressful. Because of the covid thing the repairs have been pushed back a little, which is good because it buys me a little more time, but at the same time it sucks because it’s gonna take longer to get into the new place. I’ve been trying to spend as much time out of the house (outdoors) as possible to that I have the best chance of not getting infected. I’m pretty much only coming home to drop things off, sleep and shower rn, and it’s going to be like this for the next few weeks at least

Sorry to everyone who I’ve been chatting with if I’ve been distant, or if I’ve not answered any asks, or posted much content. I’ve been taking care of covid positive people who can’t get out of the house themselves, and with the move/repairs I’ve not had much time for myself. Hopefully that is able to change soon, but in the meantime thanks to everyone who’s been so patient with me!

#not pokemon #melli speaks #don’t reblog

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iamsuchi · 2 years

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hi, i have a couple questions for u! How do you view how the world and consciousness works? Do you believe in infinite realities? Do you believe that the 3d is a direct reflection of our consciousnesses? Overall just what do you think about life/consciousness and how it works :)

Hi Anon firstly thank you for the very interesting questions. I will try to answer them to the best of my abilities.

⊹ ੈ♡ — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ₊˚ ‧₊ ๑ ˎˊ˗

1. How do you view how the world and consciousness works?

I view the world (3D) as my inner self pushed out. That is that my thoughts directly affect my reality. This is really like a recent discovery for me (I’d say I came to this conclusion about 1-2 years ago - basically during Covid lockdown time when I really had a lot of time to learn and reflect on things). So now that I know this information. I’ve changed my assumptions (thoughts) about my reality and little by little I’ve been noticing changes in my world.

As for how I’d define consciousness this is really challenging in a sense that I know what it is but I just don’t know how to articulate it into words. Some would say consciousness is simply being awake but I think it’s a bit deeper than that because we are ‘consciousness’ even when we are unconscious (eg - sleeping). The only time we completely loose consciousness I think is when we’ve passed on. Consciousness to me is just our connection to the divine (The universe/God/Etc.)

2. Do you believe in infinite realities?

Yes I do.

3. Do you believe that the 3D is a direct reflection of our consciousness?

Yes, I think that our thoughts (whether conscious, subconsciously, or unconsciously) affect or are reflected in our 3D.

4. Overall what do you think about life/consciousness and how it works?

My thoughts about life and consciousness are always evolving because the more I learn about it is the more I try to get an understanding of it for myself. Meaning, I don’t really have a fixed of life/consciousness because I always try to keep an open mind to learn/understanding more and not be confined to one set of beliefs or have in a sense a ‘one track mind’. However when my thoughts on life is just to live, I believe that each individual should just live their life in accordance to how they want to as long as they don’t harm others, animals, nature. Just do what makes you happy and makes you as the individual. I think that’s why we as human were given the chance to live out this experience in the bodies that we have. (That is consciousness/God/The Universe experiencing/expressing itself as a human being) Again as I stated I think our consciousness directly affects how we live our lives as each individual is experiencing a different reality from each other - this happens due to perspective, thoughts, environment, upbringing, etc. How I might view the 3D might be different from how you and someone else views it. What I might view as a negative situation, you or someone else might view as positive.

Though I’d love to find out (like many) what is the purpose of life and all of this, as for now I am fine with just accepting life as just simply being alive and trying to enjoy each moment and ‘live’ as much as possible and not just survive.

⊹ ੈ♡ — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ₊˚ ‧₊ ๑ ˎˊ˗

Again thank you very much for your questions, I enjoyed answering them, I enjoyed that it was different from the usual ask I get so thank you a lot Anon 💗… it did take me a few days because I really wanted to think about my answers before responding. Please feel free to message me again, I’d love to hear your thoughts on these questions as I’m always open to learning more and hearing the opinions of others (even if they differ from mine). Happy manifesting 💓💓💓

#manifestwithsuchi #asksuchi

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phawareglobal · 10 months

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Jane Macleod - phaware® interview 428

Canadian pulmonary hypertension and scleroderma patient, Jane Macleod is a retired RN. She discusses reasons for her delayed diagnosis, the importance of pulmonary rehab, and the challenges of living a her new normal.

My name is Jane MacLeod. I'm 67 years old. I'm from Peterborough, Ontario. I was diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension caused by scleroderma in July, 2020. I was in for an angiogram, and that's how they found the pulmonary hypertension. They sent me right to intensive care for eight days and then transferred me to the Toronto General pulmonary floor for another seven or eight days. That was in July of 2020. I went by ambulance on my 65th birthday to Toronto. It was during COVID. I was not going out a lot, and if I walked, I was really, really short of breath. I'd just had an ankle replacement after two knee replacements. I was having lots of osteoarthritis issues. I was putting on weight, a lot of weight. I went to the hospital with shortness of breath. I had pneumonia at the time. They didn't hospitalize me. They just sent me home. I just kept getting worse, more short of breath. I had an echocardiogram booked and I had that done. Then my next test was going to be an angiogram, and I waited for that. I shouldn't have, because I was getting worse and worse and worse at home, but I thought, "Well, I'm having an angiogram on Tuesday." So I waited. When the cardiologist said, no, I should have been in a long time ago. She said she was surprised I didn't die. It scared the life out of me. For one thing, I'll take a step back. I'm an RN and I should have known better, but we always put ourself last as a mother and as a nurse. I kept saying, "Well, I'll find out. I'll find out." Not going out at all to anywhere was really, I just wasn't moving very much. My sister-in-law came and took me for a walk one day and I couldn't make it three houses down the street. She's a nurse too. We checked my oxygen levels and they were quite low. She thought I should have gone. Oh, I did go to the hospital the next day, but they didn't keep me. It was a lot of, not misdiagnosis, but delaying, I think because of the emergency situations at the hospital, because they kind of try and get rid of you as fast as they can. I read a lot online. That's one of the reasons I really like PHA Canada’s Pulse newsletter. I get it once a month. I do a lot of research on the drugs. I've just only been on oxygen now for a year in March. I ended up back in the hospital in heart failure and they sent me home on oxygen. I was there for about two weeks because my saturation levels were quite low. After that, I thought, "I can't let this happen to me like this.” So I started cardiac and pulmonary rehab. I was doing that a couple days a week and then retook the pulmonary rehab again on the advice of my pulmonary doctor in Toronto. Since then, I just go to the Y five days a week and exercise. I'm trying to be positive. We're newly retired, both my husband and I, and we don't want to live our retirement in fear, so we're trying to do as much as we can. Last summer, we went to Nova Scotia for two weeks and this summer we're going to be sea for two weeks. We definitely need stuff like that to look forward to. We just bought a dingy that we're going to put a motor on, because there's lots of lakes around where we live because we love being on the water. Can't afford to live on it, but we love being on the water. We're trying to do as much as we can with the time we have because we don't know how much time. I have two sons. My oldest son is 42. He has down syndrome, he lives with us. He's got cancer, so we're going through a lot of issues. We're trying to keep him healthy and happy, and he is doing very well. His cancer is not a fast-growing one, thank goodness. He will start chemo eventually, but right now he's fine. He does a lot. I have another son that's married and has one son and a stepdaughter now. So we have the two grandchildren. My son, David, the one that has down syndrome, is very supportive. He just cares about me too much and I have seven brothers and my family are my wonderful support. They look out for me very much so. My husband, especially since he's retired, he's just my caregiver. I have not met anybody with scleroderma or pulmonary hypertension ever. It would be nice to hear other stories and find out if what I'm feeling is real and the fear I feel all the time about am I going to live? I like to hear if that's common. I worry. I worry about it constantly actually. It will be nice to have some other input and find out new treatments if there's any, and how best I could make mine work better. That's what I'm looking for. When I was diagnosed, I was in shock. Like I said, not a lot of people know about it. I was in a teaching hospital, so I had a lot of doctors and staff coming at me, so that was kind of scary. It never really leaves my mind that I have this, and I don't know if that's being selfish or I don't know. Even when we're driving, we go for drives and that's my sense of relaxation because we live in a nice quiet area. I like to go for drives, so it takes my mind off my fingers that sting all the time, or I've got all these post broken bones that stick out and lots of issues like that. I feel like I'm better with it because going to the Y, I'm trying to be positive. People look at me all the time because I'm wearing oxygen, doing an elliptical machine. I really don't care what people think. I am feeling more positive about it. I'm hoping I can live as long as I can with it. Would I be a candidate for a lung transplant? I don't know. One of my doctors said it's not off the table, but you have to be a specific BMI for that, and I'm really trying. I've lost 70 pounds, so I'm working at it. It's not easy. The challenge of eating, no salt, no sugar, limited fluid intake. That's the challenge. That's a real challenge every day. Every single day. I have to weigh myself every day. If my weight goes up a bit, it's fluid. I have to take extra water pills. So yeah, it's a daily work in progress. I would say. My name is Jane McLeod and I'm aware that I'm rare.

Learn more about pulmonary hypertension trials at www.phaware.global/clinicaltrials. Follow us on social @phaware Engage for a cure: www.phaware.global/donate #phaware Share your story: [email protected] @phacanada

Listen and View more on the official phaware™ podcast site

#pulmonary hypertension #phaware #rare disease #lung disease #clinical trials #podcast #PH #asthma

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honking-up-a-storm · 11 months

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I haven’t felt good about my body in a long time, but now I do and it just feels so sweet to have a moment’s peace. I don’t think I’ve ever really desired being muscular before but now that I’m a bit visably so beacuse of work it’s making me feel good. I enjoy feeling strong. I’ve been pretty athletic my whole life so I guess that having some kind of pysical activity after years of not doing much aside cardio makes me feel like me. On the flipside I know I’m still a bit underweight, kinda sad my ass is gone ngl, I had a good butt. I am delighted my boobs are way down, I want top surgery so goddamn badly so yhea the smaller the better so I can have a faster recovery time. Please note this is just how I feel about my body, for the love of fuck do not starve yourself to try and achive any body goals. I litterlarly just got covid and was depressed so I litterally wasted away, that is not a good thing and never be a good thing, do not be like me who tries to see the positive in evrey situation. Anywho back to the positives, I’m happy I’m filling out and that passive exercise is making me feel good. Also I have a tan???? I’ve never been able to tan, ever. Like I’m paper fucking white and now I look normal, but it’s so funny how I’ll probably have to get a darker foundation. Suns bleaching my hair so thats nice too. Still dealing with acne but that’s just hereditary so whatever I don’t really care.

#Thoughts #body

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fluffy-critter · 1 year

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#crosspost #busybee

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0613magazine · 1 year

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200912 CNN

BTS on making music, watching Netflix and working out during quarantine

BTS, they’re just like us – except with millions of fans and number one hits.

Members of the international K-pop sensation that is BTS were supposed to be on tour right now. But due to the Covid-19 pandemic, they’ve had to press pause.

Aside from releasing their latest hit single, “Dynamite,” the group told CNN in an interview on Friday they’ve been spending a lot of time in recent months streaming shows, like a lot of us.

“We’re working out, watching Netflix and learning to play instruments. I think we’re doing a lot of self-development, and also just trying to stay active,” j-hope said.

Jimin added, “We’re working on a new album. Although we cannot say for sure how concerts are going to go, we’re still working very hard. Personally, I don’t think I’m doing a lot of things myself.”

The global pandemic hasn’t slowed down the group’s success.

“Dynamite,” their first full English song, currently sits at the top of the Billboard Hot100 chart for the second consecutive week. This makes BTS the first South Korean pop act to ever achieve such a milestone, earning praise from fellow artists like Justin Bieber.

V said in a separate interview on Saturday that the success of “Dynamite” is thanks to their devoted fan base, nicknamed the BTS ARMY.

“This is truly amazing,” he told CNN. “We are sincerely so grateful. You made our dream come true. Thanks to ARMY.”

BTS, which stands for Beyond the Scene, said they felt they needed give their audience new music amid these challenging times.

“If everything went according to plan, we’d be on tour right now, but the pandemic has changed everything. So we thought about what we can do, and what we can do best at this point, in this situation. Everyone is going through such a difficult time, so we wanted to cheer them up,” SUGA told CNN.

Band members Jin, SUGA, j-hope, RM, Jimin, V and Jung Kook, still feel like their rise is a bit of a “pinch me” moment.

“It still doesn’t feel 100% real because we can’t perform in front of ARMY. We do and see all these things, but we don’t have the opportunity to perform,” Jung Kook said.

The group has been frequently compared to The Beatles, even breaking one of the English rock band’s records with three Billboard No. 1 albums in a single year.

j-hope said being compared to legendary group is humbling.

“It’s such a great honor to be mentioned along The Beatles. We want to keep doing our own music and show our own colors,” j-hope said. “As big fans of The Beatles, we are thankful for such association and we want to work even harder to put out great music. We will try to make the name BTS sound as cool as The Beatles.”

The group’s worldwide recognition grew in 2018 with their albums “Love Yourself: Answer” and “Love Yourself: Tear.” Beyond their accomplishments together, they’ve also scored numerous hits with other artists like Halsey, Ed Sheeran, Nicki Minaj and Fall Out Boy.

Their massive fan base is like no other.

But the group acknowledges their fame, comes with some tradeoffs.

“In Korea we call it fame tax, which we have to pay,” RM said with a smile. “As a citizen we have to pay a fame tax and we always pay it. You know, you have some positive sides and some negative sides as well but it’s our destiny.”

Jin said although he’s recognized everywhere he goes, making South Korea proud makes it all worth it.

“There are rare occasions when I inevitably have to go out. And when I do, people come up to me to say they’re really glad to see me, and that they’re really proud of how more people got to know about Korea because of us,” he said. “In those moments, I get a sense of fulfillment and feel like I’ve actually shown something to them.”

That BTS ARMY has helped propel them to shatter records across the music industry and also came to their defense on social media last year when the group was shut out from Grammy nominations.

The group is more hopeful for a nod next time around.

“We grew up watching the Grammys, so we know of its significance. And it would be incredible if we could be nominated,” SUGA said. “We never had a Grammy in mind when we first began, but it’s now become a more tangible dream. It’s something we do want to accomplish, of course, but it’s also not something we can make happen just because we want it. What we can do is to keep doing the best we can at what we’re doing.”

Source: CNN

#2020 #bts #cnn

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ditloe · 1 year

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6/365

January 6, 2023

I think today was the latest I’ve woken up since the new year. I woke up at 11:30am and I think I woke up from all the footsteps outside of my room. My mom was doing laundry or something because I heard her get the laundry baskets from the closet.

I had a missed call from my brother and found out that baby Caeleb tested positive for RSV :( I’m so sad and feel terrible... I really hope I wasn’t the cause of that. My brother said that maybe Adi gave it to him, but also not sure. I appreciate my brother for not blaming anyone and just dealing with the problem at hand.

I decided to do my 10k steps early in the day! I didn’t want to be put in that situation again where it’s too late to finish the 10k completely. Speaking of, my Apple watch is fixed now and it’s sensing me walking. Last night I did 5k steps only (past midnight) and was glad I did some walking. Today I hit the full 10k all before 3pm. I was glad to get it done early so I wouldn’t be stressed about it later.

Haven’t really been talking to my parents much honestly. I just get food from the kitchen and then clean up after myself. I mean, I am supposed to stay in isolation for 5 days, so I can’t really mingle with them freely. I also hate wearing n95 masks. It makes it really hard to breathe. I actually told my mom I wouldn’t be joining them to her birthday trip in Vegas. I told her it was because of money issues and it’s true. If she is bringing up money and basically on my butt about paying her back, then I really can’t go with her. I wonder if she expected me to pay for my flight and hotel room. It’s fine though. I hope they enjoy themselves. I am going to try and pick up some shifts if needed since I’m available.

Chris and I are currently on Discord just chilling. I brought up (very briefly) where my sick basket was. When he got sick, I made him one and got him all the goodies he would need and some other little things. It’d be nice to get one since I don’t get small gifts often. It definitely sucks that Chris does not do these little things for me. I appreciate him doing big things like helping with the car or handy work, but it isn’t the same. I want to be surprised with flowers or gifted things just because. He doesn’t see that, and I’ve brought it up to him multiple times and he never changes. Romance feels dead and sometimes it just seems that we’re friends. I feel like when he gets money from his projects, he uses it towards his lasers and stuff. I understand that is important, but he doesn’t really think to do something nice for me out of the blue. If we were a long-distance couple, it would not work out because he doesn’t do anything to keep the spark alive while we’re apart. Chris and I have been together for so long and I hate how things are being too comfortable.

Wow, I feel sad now after ranting about my love life. COVID sucks and it has definitely kept me from going out, but it has also showed me that it’s okay to be independent and I should be finding ways to make myself happier instead of searching it from others.

Honestly, I just need to make more money and worry about myself. I need to do what I want and live life. My financial instability is definitely hindering me from doing things I want to do. I will definitely ask my manager about switching over to part time if I do get a chance to see her on a weekday. Otherwise, maybe I can email her to set up a video appointment.

Steps: 15,350 (minus 5,199 steps because those steps were supposed to be from yesterday)

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