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atinyniki · 7 months

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instant ramen

group: stray kids !

pairing: idol!lee felix x f!reader

genre: angst with a happy ending

warnings + additional info: reader is referred to as y/n, established relationships, mentions of periods and hormonal imbalances, felix is a little mean, felix is referred to as lix, lixie, and felix.

authors note: i was bored and made a short little felix drabble ! this is also not proofread, i just had a thought and felt like posting it. english is not my first language, so please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors. happy reading :)

wc: 1483

(pt. 2) || (pt. 3)

it’s not everyday that felix comes home in a bad mood. he’s had just about the worst day at practice today. he couldn’t seem to be getting anything right, and often found himself zoning out and getting off track.

you’ve had a long day too. you couldn’t seem to get out of bed this morning, and woke up in the late hours of the afternoon. your entire house was a mess, and you didn’t have the energy to clean it up. to make matters worse, your period is late and it’s left you grumpy the entire week.

it’s now almost midnight, and you’re sprawled out on the couch comfortably, watching some tv. you have felix’s fuzzy blanket over you, one you both always use when watching shows together.

suddenly, you hear the familiar sound of the keys jingling at the door. the door flies open, and behind it, you see a tired felix, dark green hoodie shrouding his face.

you slowly get up from the couch and turn off the tv, careful not to trip over anything while you make your way to the door.

“why are you up so late y/n?”, his voice was low, tired, but he managed to muster a small smile.

“it’s not that late, i just wanted to wait for you.”

he slowly walked into the home, setting his bag down at the door. he made his way to the kitchen, grabbing some water to drink, when his eyes quickly dart to the dishes.

felix likes having the house clean. after living in a dorm with chaotic men who didn’t know how to clean up after themselves, it got pretty sickening. normally the house would be clean, but felix has been out recently due to his new comeback, and you’ve been busy with work. neither of you had the time to do simple tasks anymore.

seeing the dishes still dirty frustrated felix more, but he decided not to mention it and walked to the bathroom to take a quick shower. he passed by the living room, the cushions scattered messily on the floor, and then your shared bedroom. clothes had piled up in the two hampers you had, some had even fallen onto the floor.

some part in felix just snapped.

“is it really that hard to put some clothes in the wash, y/n?”

you were zoned out, but his voice brought you back to reality.

“sorry what did you say? i zoned-“

“nevermind…”

felix began to walk away, but you walked towards him, stopping him.

“lix what’s wrong?”, you looked at him, your eyes full of concern. he let out a scoff, “what’s wrong? what’s wrong is that you’ve been home the entire day and the house is still a mess.”

your eyes widen. normally, felix is understanding about these things. you only have one day off the entire week. you’ve been overworking yourself so much recently that you just needed today to be a break.

“i’m really sorry lix, i’ll just do it tomorrow”

he glares at you, a foreign look swirling in his eyes. “if you were really sorry, you would have cleaned up after yourself. you know i don’t have time for this. it would only take thirty minutes max to fix up the house a little.”

“you really need to start doing something with yourself y/n. i’m not going to be doing everything while you just sit around and watch tv all day.”

you started tearing up. you didn’t mean to, but you really wanted to cry. felix saw the tears brimming in your eyes, and he started to feel a lump growing in his throat.

you didn’t know what else to say. you looked down and heard the receding footsteps, making your way to your bedroom. the tears slowly fell from your eyes, but you didn’t dare to make a sound. your boyfriend had never spoken to you like that, and he never really got that cold.

you picked up the clothes off the floor, putting them into the hampers and making your way to the laundry room. you put them in the wash and put the hampers back in your room.

you walked to the kitchen, and started to clean the dishes. you wanted to get it done as soon as possible, so felix could have a bit of relief when he got out of the shower. his words continued to replay in your head. you’ve been so exhausted recently, you felt bad that you couldn’t do anything for him.

you put the dishes back into their respective cabinets, and figured that felix would probably be hungry when he got out. you pulled out his favorite instant ramen, put it in the pot, and began making it for him. you hoped it would cheer him up.

meanwhile, felix stays in the shower for longer than usual. he takes up the first eight minutes alone just standing in the warm stream, washing all the impurities off of his body. he stayed there for as long as he could, but for some reason, the guilt wouldn’t wash away with him.

he knew he shouldn’t have been so harsh. he didn’t mean to, he was just exhausted and already a little put off, but that’s no excuse to lash out at your girlfriend like that. after a while, he finally grabbed his shampoo, staring at the bottle for a moment before placing it back on the rack.

he reached down to grab your shampoo instead, the vanilla scent calming him down instantly. in a way, he felt closer to you. the foamy bubbles ran down his hair, and he began to wash the soap out of his hair.

he then took another one of your items, your vanilla body wash. he liked that you’d always use vanilla scented items, it was easy to associate the smell with you. suddenly, the whole bathroom smelled like vanilla, smelled like you.

felix found the smell so comforting, almost like you were right there with him. he closed his eyes, thinking about what he said to you. he knew that as soon as he got out, he’d apologize to you.

he finally got out of the shower and put some comfortable clothes on. it was almost two in the morning now, so he was expecting you to be asleep. he figured he’d apologize to you tomorrow when you wake up.

he makes his way to the bedroom, but to his surprise you aren’t there. he didn’t go looking for you, he figured you needed some space. he saw your keys on your dresser, so he knew you hadn’t left the house.

all of a sudden, he sees you at the door, a wooden rack in your hand with a bowl on top, decorated blue chopsticks on the side. you place it on his nightstand, and start playing with your thumbs, contemplating what to say next.

“i’m sorry for leaving the house a mess today, i know you didn’t want to come back home to that sight. i’ve cleaned it all up now though, and i made you some ramen. i figured you’d be hungry”, you let out a nervous chuckle.

you looked up, and your heart immediately dropped to the pit of your stomach. you thought felix would be mad at you, but you didn’t expect him to cry.

he took your hand in his and let out a shaky breath. “i’m so sorry y/n. i truly didn’t mean what i said, i was just frustrated and seeing a messy house set me off a little bit. i promise it won’t happen again, please don’t overwork yourself just for my sake.”

you quickly wrapped him in a hug, “don’t cry lix, it’s okay. you’re just tired, i know you didn’t mean it”. you gave him a quick peck on his forehead, before running your fingers through his hair.

he buried his head in your chest, inhaling the scent he’d been craving for the past hour, staining your his hoodie with his tears in the process.

“i love you lixie, im here for you. you don’t have to worry.”

he only clung onto you tighter after that, mumbling a little “i love you too” and multiple apologies into your chest. you smiled, knowing how vulnerable he was right now, and you were just happy he could trust you.

“eat your ramen now, it’s getting cold dummy”

he looked up at you and smiled, patting the area next to him. you complied, lowering yourself onto the bed and clinging onto his arm.

the ramen had gone slightly cold, but it was still enjoyable. felix felt a familiar warmth spread throughout his entire being when you wrapped your arms around him, and let himself melt into your warmth.

you have both been going through a lot recently, but you knew that as long as you had each other, you’d be okay.

#lee felix #lee felix skz #skz #stray kids #stray kids x reader #stray kids angst #stray kids imagines #lee felix angst #lee felix x reader #lee felix fluff #stray kids fluff #skz x reader #skz imagines #lee felix scenarios #stray kids scenarios

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yelenasdiary · 11 months

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Listen Closely

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Daughter! Reader

Summary: After your mother finds out your having a hard time at school, she takes matters into her own hands.

AC: Here’s the idea I posted about the other day haha! This fic is safe for minors to read, just please don’t follow my blog x. I hope you enjoy this x

"Boys, where's your sister?" Wanda asked the twins as they dug into their cereal. "In bed still" Tommy replied causing his mother to frown slightly. It was unlike you to still be in bed at this time, usually you were sat at the dining table enjoying breakfast with your younger brothers while they shared the dreams they had last night with you.

"Brush your teeth after breakfast, no lying Billy, I can tell if you're brushed them properly" Wanda raised a brow at the young boy before making her way upstairs. You heard the soft knock on your door as you pulled the covers over your head, wiping the tears that broke free the moment you woke up.

"Honey?" the softness of your mother's voice filled the room as she slowly opened the door, "you're going to be late" she added.

"I don't feel well" you replied, the covers muffling the brokenness in your voice.

Wanda closed the door behind her before taking a seat on the edge of your bed, installing rubbing your back. If anybody knew you the best, it was your mother. The two of you have always had a strong and close bond to one another and as you got older, that bond only grew stronger. "What's the matter love?" your mother asked while still rubbing your back.

Slowly, you pulled the covers back and held your stomach under the covers, "I have really bad cramps, they've kept me up all night" you explained before Wanda placed the back of her hand on your forehead, "Mm" she hummed as she brushed your hair back, "do you have any tests today?" she asked.

You shock your head, "No tests this week, just study and preparing for next week's tests"

"Alright, I'll get you a heat pack and some pain killers before I take the boys to school. Do you need me to pick up anything from school?"

You shook your head again. "Get some rest, I'll be back in a moment" Wanda placed a kiss on your forehead before leaving you alone once again. The moment you heard her footsteps down the stairs, you sighed before reaching for your phone. Taking today off was a big risk, not just because it was Monday, but because you'd skipped the last three days of school last week. You could only hope that you could get away with today before the school would call the house phone.

Punching in the passcode to your phone only made the sickening feel in your stomach rise. You've turned off all notifications due to the bullying that has been going on for the past month or so. At first, you didn't let it get to you, some petty school yard like bullying wasn't something you ever paid attention too but when the bullying escalated in ways you couldn't ignore it, it started to take its toll on you.

Of course, you didn't mention anything to your mother as you didn't want to worry her or let her make a fuss, she already had enough on her plate with the twins, work and the other duties that come along with being a mother of 3. Although you felt like you should've said something weeks ago when the unknown numbers started sending texts to you and your social media accounts soon became a pit for the bullying to continue.

Little did you know, your mother didn't believe for a second you were unwell and she'd been suspecting something was wrong for a few weeks but she never wanted to over step your boundaries and privacy but she as starting to get more worried about you with every new day that arrived.

"Is Y/n coming down for breakfast?" Billy asked, handing his empty bowl of cereal to Tommy as he stacked the dishwasher. "Not this morning, she's unwell. Let's get you two ready for school" Wanda smiled at the boys before they raced off upstairs to begin getting ready.

----

After dropping the twins off at school, a little earlier than she usually would, she made her way to your high school to meet your best friend, Kate, before her classes started. She didn't like going behind your back like this but her worry got the better of her.

"Kate, hi!" Wanda smiled softly as she managed to grab Kate's attention.

"Oh hey Wands! What's up? Is Y/n with you?" Kate replied with a smile. Kate has been your best friend since pre-school and Wanda knew if there was anybody to talk to about you, it was Kate.

"No, not today. She's not well"

"That's probably why I haven't heard from her, I hope she's okay"

Kate's comment worried Wanda even more, "you haven't heard from her? When was the last time you had?" Wanda questioned.

"Uhm, Friday? I just assumed you guys were doing something for the weekend, so I didn't worry so much. Is everything okay?" Kate frowned slightly.

"Honey, Y/n hasn't been okay for a while, and I really need you to tell me what's going on"

Kate's eyes dropped, "she made me promise"

Wanda placed a hand on Kate's shoulder, causing the young teen to look up at her. "Sometimes breaking a promise is okay. If there is something serious going on, I need to know about it. I promise nobody is in trouble, I'm just worried" Wanda assured the brunette whom she's known for many years.

Kate nodded, "I honestly thought she would've mentioned something by now" she admits, "the popular girls have been giving her a hard time for a while. At first it was just some petty stuff that didn't bother her but it's grown into something bigger and I've told her she needs to talk to you about but she just brushes me off and says she doesn't want to worry you" Kate explains with worry in her eyes.

Wanda's heart broke as she nodded at Kate's words, "Can you tell me everything?" Wanda asked, Kate nodded.

----

Tears streamed down your face as you held Sparky close, patting him in hopes it would bring you some form of comfort and help fight off the dark thoughts that your mind was screaming at you. It was a bad idea, and you knew it but you checked your Instagram to find an edited photo of you trending via mutuals. A poster of you was made as a joke, body shaming you and calling you unspeakable names in the poster, comments, and captions as those at school hadn't seen you in a few days, they assumed you'd caved and did what they'd been telling you to do.

You'd be lying if you said you hadn't thought about it, leaving your family behind and finally putting yourself put of this pain that kept you up late at night, the pain that made you grow distance with your family and friends, the pain the isolated you from the world day by day. Wanda came home to the sounds of loud sobs filling the home, her break broke even more. She wasted no time, throwing her handbag to the side and rushing up the stairs to your room.

Her rushing foot steps up the stairs took you by surprise and gave you little to no time to try and hide the tears that covered your face. Your mother didn't knock this time, she just welcomed herself into your room.

"Mom!" you frowned, looking away from her, "you're supposed to knock!" you added.

"Not when my baby needs me" she replied sitting beside you and wrapping her arms around you. You broke once more, trying to wiggle out of her arms but deep down you didn't want too. "It's okay honey, I know everything" your mother spoke softly which made you stop resisting her hold as you looked up at her.

"W-who told you? Did the school call?!" you asked in a worry. Your mother shook her head, tears filled her eyes at the sight of you, "Kate told me, I asked her too. I've known something hasn't been right for a few weeks but after seeing you this morning, I wasn't going to wait for you to come to me" she explained, pulling you closer to her and placing a kiss on the top of your head.

You finally allowed yourself to break once more, crying in your mother's arms. "I'm sorry" you sobbed. "Honey, look at me" Wanda gently brushed a lock of your hair behind your ear when you looked at her, "there's nothing you need to be sorry about. I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't come to me sooner, I wish you did darling. I don't want you to ever feel like you're alone or even for a second thing that what those horrible girls have been saying is truth. Kate showed me some of the things online, I have copies and I will be talking to the principle" your mother added.

"But mom, that'll just make things worse" you shook your head.

"Nobody has the right to make my baby feel like this! I do not care who they are, I'll do anything and everything I need too to make sure this never happens again" Wanda replied, letting you snuggle into her chest once again.

----

"Mrs Maximoff, it's lovely to see you" your principle smiled as she looked up from her desk to greet your mother. Wanda placed a small stack of print outs on the desk, "I wish this was a friendly visit" she replied.

"What is this?" Miss Sullivan grabbed the stack and began to look through it.

"I want the girls who are responsible for this to be punished fairly. This group of girls have been targeting my daughter for months and you nor the teachers have done anything to stop it!" Wanda explained.

"Mrs Maximoff, if things have gotten this bad, why wasn't this brought to my attention sooner?" Miss Sullivan looked up at your mother who just tilted her head slightly at the woman.

"I only found out all of this today! Y/n said she tried to report the bullying and harassment when things started to get worse, but her English teacher told her not to worry too much about it and that the girls would get bored soon enough. That was months ago and now my daughter is at home in tears and in a headspace, I cannot imagine my baby girl ever being in. I don't want to take things further but if this isn't shut down and dealt with quickly, I will get the police involved"

Miss Sullivan was taken back by Wanda's rage; she's never seen your mother so furious before. "We do not take bullying of any sort lightly, let me assure you the girls responsible for this behaviour will be dealt with but unfortunately there is nothing we can do about the online bullying. We can't control what students do outside of the school grounds, but I am confident with chat with all the girls, this will come to stop." She explains.

"Y/n will not be attending that chat, nor will she be returning to school until I'm assured that punishment has been dealt and listen to me carefully when I say this" Wanda looked your principle in the eyes, "if those girls or anybody else in this school hurts my daughter again, I will take higher action. You have my number; I expect to hear from you by the end of the day" Your mother replied before leaving Miss Sullivan's office before the woman could say another word.

Meanwhile, you were at home feeling a little better about explaining everything to your mother, she brought home your favorite take out for lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon with you, watching your favorite movies. Not another word was spoken about the situation that day but Wanda was determined to make sure this would never happen again and was pleased to receive a call from your principle as she waited for the boys to get let out of class. The girls giving you hell were to be spoken too and punished first thing on Tuesday morning.

#wanda maximoff #wanda maximoff x reader #fanfiction #marvel

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nothing0fnothing · 6 months

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heyo! i would just like to apologise on behalf of the NPD community for the idiots that are frothing at the mouth trying to claim that narc abuse isn't real. yeah, we get it, pwNPD ≠ abusive. doesnt mean you get to dictate how victims should view their trauma, much less make it seem invalid. pwNPD make things so much worse if they aren't grounded! do they seriously think pwNPD are cute little bunnies who just want validation? i myself am a pwNPD, and it is soo cringe omfg. all this so-called npd positivity sickens me. you're convincing pwNPD that their problematic attention-seeking behaviour is acceptable. if pre-aware me saw all those posts, i would've never sought to change my behaviour and seek a healthier source of supply. i admit, i was abusive. no BS. i literally took pleasure in others being scared of me, to the point i would bully my own sister to tears and gaslit her into thinking it was her fault. i was fucking 10. i needed that slap on the face to finally realise this was not how i was supposed to be. i got my help, i got the support i need, i'm trying to be a better person. now thats the type of positivity we need. i dont want people telling me that 'i just want to be acknowledged'. no, wanting to be acknowledged is normal. my desire was unhealthy and violent. i needed someone to beat me up and tell me not everything about me and that i shouldn't want to beat someone up for doing something better than me. Thanks for listening to my TedTalk! 😊 - 🩹

A super well considered and realistic view of what it means to be a narcissistic abuse denier and its roots in anti therapy/anti recovery rhetoric from the POV of a person who actually has NPD.

You're very right, to be a pwNPD and to argue that victims and survivors shouldn't have a community based on their shared experience of abuse because you feel personally victimised by the conversation is trying to dictate our recovery to us. It's attempting to invalidate our experience and its hella indicative of real life abusive behavior.

Thank you for sharing personal details of your own experience with NPD. I know it's hard, I know it's not fun for you and I'm sorry your safe spaces have been hijacked by wannabes and fakers pretending that to have this disorder is cool and edgy. You don't feel cool and edgy for having this disorder, because it's a real mental illness that effects your life daily, not a quirk you get to take off when you close the app and go into your life.

Support is out there for people with NPD or people who suspect they have it. It's not as fun or exciting to get help than it is to run a edgy tumblr blog that perpetuates further abuse and stigmatises people with NPD, but our mental health is our responsibility, and anti recovery and anti treatment narcissistic abuse denial blogs are just perpetrating further harm and stigma. The people who beleive in it will never get better, and it's sad, but you didn't fall into believing the narrative that NPD is untreatable. You got help though it was hard and you learned to be better.

I don't condone violence to correct bad behaviour, I don't think you needed to be hit to learn better. The desire to do better and be a good person is in all of us, and I hope you know that the decent human being you are today is thanks to your own hard work, your commitment to consistency in therapy, your strength to understand your disorder, not the time you were hit to learn better.

Thank you for your support, plaster emoji, I really appreciate it. Your Ted talk was an incredible read and I'd be pleased to hear from you again 💕

#narcissistic abuse #narcissistic personality disorder awareness #narcissism positivity #narcissism awareness #surviving narcissism #actually npd #npd awareness #narcissistic abuse is real #narcissism is not npd #therapy #mental health support

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demonichikikomori · 2 years

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This could be considered an “Unpopular Opinion” but… I ship Jamil and Kalim.

SPOILERS FOR BOOK 4!!

I have always been a large fan of Childhood Friend -> Lovers pipeline. I see very often that my favorite trope never comes to fruition because in most media I end up watching and enjoying, there is a new potential interest and the pair I want is never fated to be: Example can be found in Darling in the Franxx, Kiznaiver, and an older anime called Girl’s Bravo!! I feel like I’m constantly being let down in a lot of media I want to see my ship sail and it did not.

However…

Although in the game (I play the EN version but I do try to keep up with the JPN servers content) they are going to remain friends, I like to see them as potential lovers. Kalim is very naive and Jamil knows that he cannot do anything to out preform Kalim. But in the end and on multiple occasions, Kalim has shown he has viewed Jamil as a friend and pretty much an equal. Someone who is always looking out for him and would never hurt him. So seeing Kalim cry over finding out he was betrayed was very heart wrenching, even more so when they saved Jamil from his Overblot and all Kalim could do was cry in happiness that nothing bad had happened to Jamil, even after finding out that he had been hypnotizing him and planned to get Kalim EXPELLED from NRC. After Jamil revamps to be more honest, he doesn’t seem at all like he actually “hates” Kalim. More like he’s still upset over being outed to the world and Kalim’s extremely forgiving nature.

I like to think that there is no Master x Servant relationship between them and there never was. Kalim genuinely viewed Jamil as his friend and never once truly saw him any other way. He’s aware that Jamil works for his family, but he doesn’t really care?? During book 4 when the Octrio arrive and they offer to take over for Jamil, Kalim was excited knowing that Jamil would be getting a break. So when I see the Jamil’s FanClub memes I kick my feet like a little schoolgirl seeing Kalim involved in whatever the post may be today. I don’t really like seeing Kalim villainized in book 4 over something he wasn’t able to see until he was told about it. His sickening kindness and him not following the hierarchy he and Jamil were born into…

TLDR; I want Jamil and Kalim to get married and live a mundane lifestyle were they split up chores (Kalim is taught housework) and they co-exist as lovers in a quiet space. No hierarchy, no reason to not be totally transparent with one another… I want them to just hold hands and share the same bed.

#kalim x jamil #kalim al asim #jamil viper #twst ship #unpopular opinion #a. hellish. secret

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moobytes · 3 months

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very long rant about AI LOL

(fair warning, im NOT an expert on anything. j just research and read over these things. i wouldn't be shocked if any information is wrong, i just want to get some stress off of me. also i probably spelt 50 things wrong. it's like 2am)

i think it's time for a long rant about ai. i think it's at a point where you shouldn't be going "oh well it will be gone in a dew years" or " its not a thing you should worry about". it's definitely staying for good.

due to ai, i already decided that im not majoring in art once i get to college. im lucky enough to have several career interests, but this shouldn't have happened in the first place.

generative ai

man i wish ai was used for "anything" else besides generating media. you cannot be serious that an ugly ai "art" post gets more attention than creating solutions for diseases. ai CAN be GOOD. it's been around since the cold war, helping us develop all of today's technology. and now, it's being used for greed and money just because companies (not even companies, just really ignorant people who dont view art as a process) think of society/workers as just numbers, not people.

i always wanted to be an artist. i always wanted to study technology. i NEVER had the thought that AI should take over art. i understand the desperation of wanting a perfect final result, but in life, it shouldn't happen. your perfection should the reflection on your own success and growth.

ai is growing, but no one else is. you can "make" 100 ai generated prices and have a perfect replica of what you wanted, yet you learned NOTHING at all. you will one day ask yourself "how much have i grown?" and nothing will be there.

also, i dont think art is/will be dead, however i see it drowning deeper and deeper in the coming years. there will be hundreds of thousands of people who understand art. but millions more only care about the final result. people will eat whatever slop, as long as they can get it fast and perfect. sickening, but it's unfortunately the case.

im a BIG art nerd. i love watching behind the scenes videos, seeing storyboards, and seeing the crew behind shows/movies laughing and smiling. i dont want to watch something that was just created by stealing content and mashing it together

also this should be known. that shit is going to get abused to make p*rn. i already saw reddit think about how they can sell it for money. i think ill get banned if i said my response to this

the good in AI i really enjoy

okay i dont want to stay negative about ai forever. i know a lot of people say "all ai is bad" a LOT. it's probably because AI right now has just been about creating videos and photos, but there's so much good in ai that i wish tech bros would focus on more.

the development of phones and algorithms, (mostly in explorations, maybe mathematics?). obviously ai is already being used in both of these, but i feel like space exploration is going to get crazier each year. maybe at a cold war level? who knows.

every phone has ai, but looking more into it like samsung's new ai features... like their live transcript during calls and circle to search...these already existed really but adding advanced ai to these... it's going to get way better and become so useful, especially the transcript feature, my parents already have a tough moment talking on the phone with me..

i think medical technology would be great too! maybe not like elon musk's brain chip, more like accurate diagnosis, help run better simulations, and maybe help preserve medical records (hackers exist)? i wont go too deep into that tho since i haven't done that much research on this.

anyway i really wished people saw this side of ai. it hurts seeing what corrupt things we choose to do instead... overall i believe ai can be used side by side with humans, instead of doing all the work for us.

tl;dr, i think lead poisoning got us here

no but really. ai is here to stay. it's always been here, and it will get worse if nothing is done. but always try to stay positive the most you can, but it's impossible to ignore the presence of ai.

hopefully, we can get some hardcore laws (or even a ban PLEASE) on generative ai that makes it useless as hell. i dont have too much faith in it, but im not giving up the chance.

(random thought, if ai did take over, i think it will be because we stuck brains on them LOL. look this information up it's a little shocking but slightly interesting. but it's quite scary ngl)

#ai #ai art #ai rant #art #sora ai #technology #ai has so much potential! i wish People Were Smarter #long post

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motherthroat · 10 months

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ok see now i'm gonna go down the list again n send u a novel bc quite frankly i'm relentless n want to know wht three emojis u wouldn’t give me + clown around Together 😇

🍪 - this is a given and my motivation behind handcuffing us together for all of eternity duhhh<3

💥 - this is visible to anyone with eyes but i do understand tht it may be nice to hear so yes mori ur layout is very pleasing 👍

🚬 - you Are cool, n perhaps intimidatingly so, but not to me bc you’ve been soft w me before n even tho you're taller.. in my heart, you're my height. or shorter :3

🍜 - see i can’t say this bc i feel like ur skills cannot be imitated bc wht infuses such flavor into ur work is the fact tht it comes from You n it has ur heart in it. so. i will leave all of tht to you n all of the fawning n rabid cheerleading to me 😌

🧠 - yes i learn that there are indeed intelligent life forms out there which is always reassuring and desperately needed in these dark times amen 🙏

suddenly blind and unable to read idk wht the next emoji is omg 404 blue screen of death currently buffering only to finally load…..

🍧 - yes. u are. n i remember sometimes going “omgggg am i special… seeing the soft underside… 🥹👉👈” heheheheheh but again this is jus a Given like. nods at u

🧢 - see idk if i have the proper qualifications to determine whether or not ur a Bro and i would hate to be misdiagnosing out here 😞

🫀 - ok so see the thing abt this one is tht i’m actually a goodie two shoes tht can’t fight n has nonexistent arm strength so this whole killing someone n digging a grave thing would have to perhaps fall to u like . it’s almost a cannibal au situation except we’re not eating them yk? 🫶 but i would offer emotional support ofc n a moist towelette to wipe the blood off. sooo ride or die as in that + i'm your chihuahua guard dog tht would bite anyone's ankle <3 (but this is also a given bc again: the handcuffs. would i cuff us if we weren't ride or dies? exactly.)

🗣 - the thing abt this one is i’d be happy tht ur out there thriving living ur life or i’d assume tht u were here but deleted ur posts before i woke up / logged in bc the alternative would also kill me immediately </3

the only time i’d ever send u a tomato is if i were gently placing one in ur hand bc we were in the kitchen cooking something delicious n u asked me to get u one :) peace n luv on planet earth

i made tht small text n it's still long as hell . rip

𝄢 hey 😎

🍪 ─ u're v fascinating n i mean that. even if u do smth incredibly weird that'll annoy me i'd still go hmm i can fix them. or not bc i'll most likely be knee-deep joining u on wtvr u're doing. u make my ti-dom...... ti-domming

💥 ─ the fact that i'm ur moot rn is prove bc ppl w horrid sense of aesthetic just existing piss me off

🫂 ─ a given. in fact, u can bring up the most outta nowhere, embarassing topic n i won't ever think fuck this lil weirdo asking me stupid shit. tho if it's trivial matters like a post reminding me of u, i prefer to interact publicly. for no rzn................

🚬 ─ no ♡ u are cool... the way i find will byers cool. unintimidatingly so. n the fact that i'm shorter in ur heart is actually sickening to read ngl. this is us denise, this is how we look side by side ↓ 1.) i can rest my chin on top of ur head 2.) if i'm any shorter then we'd both be chihuahua material which is wrong

🍜 ─ ur ability to befriend anyone quick n be generally likable instead of mr. oversuspicious who yells at anybody stepping on his lawn due to a few bad experiences x

❤️‍🔥 ─ do i need to say anyth. c'mon. c'mon. everytime i log in, i wonder what's denise gonna say today abt raggedy ass ppl n what cute stuff is denise gonna come up w. u helplessly dying on the floor due to ur lactose intolerance for the 5th time is Content. atp i'm an enjoyer of a whole denise* not just denise the st blog

🧠 ─ maybe. not necessarily learning new things but being reassured that smone hasn't forgotten the thing

─ ok? i was making a creamy red sauce rigatoni w flan as dessert n u gotta pay the kiss the cook toll to even get the flan i put on the upper shelf but ig smone is full. more for me 🙄

🍧 ─ another given. n here's the thing: i don't like it when ppl get 💗💞💓💕💖-coddly w me. s not inherently bad, just that a lot of em expect u to match energies/respond similarly which is. i don't do that. n i don't like how fragile sm mutualships can be over it. but i don't mind u barfing ur love all over my activity partly bc ik uk how i am n none of my painstaking push n pull will deter u + it's U. that's it

🧢 ─ pft no. never even crossed my mind. u hv ZERO bro energy

🫀─ i knew u have the arm strength of soggy fries so i alrd fully assigned myself to do the brute work yes. on a srs note, u're my Friend friend. now me making a distinction between a friend n a Friend friend seems terrible but the latter isn't just existing in the same space peacefully, no, i wanna get to a point where u n i fight over small things n make up 5 mins later. i want us to bonk e/o on the heads. i want sm henpecking going on when necessary. ik u can be relied on for that level of #trust

❤️‍🩹 ─ *n this is why i wanna meet u irl. i want this so bad it's actually embarassing

🗣 ─ yes but if u're enjoying life away from this lawless wasteland n its chronically online weirdos i can do nothing but let u be. get that fresh O². touch that grass

🍅 ─ why the hell would i give u this. why. not in a million yrs. unless... ☹ peace n luv on planet earth indeed. later i'm peeling chilled fruits n sharing it w u on the front porch as we watch the sun set alongside édith piaf's hymne à l'amour

#inbox #long post

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calliethetrekkie · 8 months

Text

Star Trek TOS S01E10: Dagger of the Mind

Original Thoughts

"Overall good episode. The Neural neutralizer is both fascinating and horrifying. It’s another episode that got my attention based off concept alone, the planting/removal of emotions. Pretty sure this thing would be VERY unethical in the mental health field, but still. Also, nice to finally see Spock use the Mind Meld since that’s something I was waiting on. Feels like Kirk having had a fling with Dr. Noel was an necessary point to add aside from still having feelings for what was essentially a one night fling just didn’t add anything, though the planting of the emotion by Dr. Noel and then exploited to painful levels by Adams was again fascinating and horrifying. Overall, a good episode that again has interesting ideas that are played well enough to keep my investment."

(Original Post)

Rewatch Thoughts

So fun fact, my mother is a LCSW and works as a counselor. While I myself am no professional, due to it, I look at stuff that handles mental health and psychology with a pretty close lens. I also enjoy mind control/hypnosis/mental kind of plots for some weird reason. IDK, it's a good way to explore a character and see different sides to them and how they cope with it. So to say that this episode interested me is no exaggeration.

Now... I know that this came out in the 60's. Thus, our knowledge and ability to understand and treat mental health was NOT all that great. I will give the episode credit in showing that something like the neutralizer, a device that implants suggestions, as a bad thing. Again, I am no therapist, but I am almost positive that having this kind of device in today's world would be incredibly immoral. Even for just therapeutic reasons, to implant or remove emotions for any reason... that's not how it works.

But again, different time, and again it is portrayed as a bad thing. God, I feel horrible for all the people who had to endure that thing. We see how many of them are just blank slates and Gelder, the one person who managed to get away, is in constant pain as he tries to warn the Enterprise. Dr. Adams is terrifying, seeming like a perfectly kind and pleasant doctor, but abusing people who need his help, all without losing the kindly attitude. People like that do exist among doctors and therapists, and it's sickening. Thank God that McCoy is actually a good doctor and went with his gut by convincing Kirk to investigate. Otherwise, they'd have likely returned Gelder and Dr. Adams would have been free to continue. It sounds like Gelder was able to at least start recovering at the end, so hopefully the rest who Adams tormented will be able to as well.

So the main plot has Kirk beaming down to investigate along with a psychiatrist named Dr. Helen Noel. Apparently they had a fling at a Christmas party and while Noel is still interested in him, Kirk isn't and/or is in Captain Mode, so nothing like a fling matters. I'm almost positive that McCoy did it on purpose as some sick joke based on Kirk's reaction, haha. Honestly... I don't know why they needed Dr. Noel in this? She does barely anything from a psychiatric point of view and to implant suggestions into Kirk until Adams finds them. I don't want to say she was useless, she DID cut the power and even electrocute a guy in an admittedly really cool scene. And I get why they couldn't have McCoy go, since they need him on-board the ship to tend to Gelder. But otherwise, Noel just feels like she's there because they needed Kirk talk to somebody and have some romantic tension. I read that it was originally going to be Rand, but since the actress was on the verge of leaving, and it wouldn't make any sense for a Yeoman to go, they made Noel. I guess that's just how it goes.

Also, not sure how I feel about Kirk here. He not only brushes off Bones' concerns until he sees the facility for himself, but he decides that it's a great idea to have Noel test the neutralizer on him. Like... really Kirk? Really? That was NOT one of your brighter ideas. I will give him credit, he holds out FAAAR longer than most others likely would have. Even when brainwashed to be in love with Noel, his mind is on being a Captain and saving their hides, despite how much pain it causes him. I guess that Starfleet training really came in handy this episode. I also hope that he had some kind of therapy from McCoy or some kind of counselor (NOT Noel) after this, because even at the end you can tell that he's not fully recovered from the torture. Then again, it's unlikely he'd seek it out for himself... ah Kirk, you're such a mess. I love you, but you're a mess.

This episode is also notable for being the very first instance where we Spock perform the Vulcan mind meld. Apparently they were going to use regular hypnosis, but the network said that either they had McCoy do it since he's... you know, a doctor, or they think up something else. Leonard Nimoy came up with the meld, and thus an essential piece of lore was established. It's hilarious tbh how Spock is reluctant because the mind meld is a private affair, and he's never done it on a human... and proceeds to do it in front of multiple people on various other humans throughout the franchise. Guess he got over it pretty quickly XD

Still, it was nice to see it since I'd heard about it, but I had no idea what a mind meld actually was. I guess this also helped establish Vulcans as touch telepaths, at least in fanon since IDK what's established canon and what isn't anymore. We'll have more fun with melds and such later on. The whole scene is superb, with Spock uncertain with McCoy pushing him because Kirk's life may very well depend on it. Gelder has given his consent and Spock does his thing as McCoy keeps an eye on Gelder's vitals. Considering Spock saying how private it is, we do see a little bit of how he must trust McCoy if he's willing to do it in front of him. I'll blab about that more on my main blog. And of course both are motivated due to, once again, Jim's safety. Want to make Spock and McCoy get along? Throw Jim in danger XD

And I need to go into fangirl mode for a second, but McCoy is really good in this episode! Like I said, if it weren't for him, they never would have looked into Adams at all. He has no proof of anything being wrong, but decides to voice it to the captain and push him to investigate anyway. Kirk clearly thinks that he's holding onto an old stigma regarding penal colonies at first, but turns out he was 100% correct. I almost wish that he did get to meet Dr. Adams because I can only imagine the interactions that we could have gotten concerning medical ethics. Now that would have been awesome to have seen, but alas. IDK, McCoy doesn't get the recognition that I feel he deserves, and I think that despite not being the most in-focus, he has some of the best material here.

So yeah, this episode was good! Fun concept, some nice establishment of lore, and it's certainly thought-provoking. Especially with how Adams ultimately dies, literally dying of loneliness via his own device. It's scary, but IDT anyone will argue that it was more than deserved. It's not perfect by any means, I could have done without Dr. Noel and I almost would have preferred Rand. But that's more nitpicking than anything. It's a solid episode and one that I enjoyed.

Original Rating: 4/5

Rewatch Rating: 7/10

[My TOS Reviews]

[TOS S1 Reviews]

[Previous Review] / [Next Review]

#star trek #star trek tos #tos s1 #st reviews #tos s1 reviews #dagger of the mind #tos reviews

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evansblues · 9 months

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I think you're right. This is excluding the people who think they're "fans" when really they're just stirring drama and negativity, and more for the real fans who've felt some connection with him as a public figure, and who genuinely enjoy his work, his views, or the bits of his real personality that have shown through over the last 20+ years. I think those fans are the ones who are genuinely concerned, because, like you said, they care. And I think if human beings are doing "humanity" or this life right, then they're caring. I think it's why we're all here, together, at the same time: to care for one another.

That said, those are the fans who want to see him excel. They want to see him happy, and fulfilling his purpose, and I think that's one of the reason's why this entire situation hurt a lot of people. It's akin to when we have a friend or loved one that we see their potential, we see the kind of people they can become and the happiness and abundance they can have in life if they just got out of their own way and chose to see themselves as we do.

There's a lot of blogs on both sides (PR vs Real) that I think have contributed to the fandom mess in a way they probably don't realise. You have some who don't even care about him, and they've said so, and it's like, well if you don't care, then why are you here? It's adding discourse to an already heavily haemorrhaging situation. A lot of readers said he's having/going to have a tower moment, but I think the fandom, throughout all of this, had their own tower moments too. The way things would be quiet, and then utter chaos would ensue in a matter of seconds because of activity started by the parties involved or because sinister anons saw moments of vulnerability within the fandom and for whatever reason wanted to contribute to the mass destruction. It's just been absolutely crazy.

I will say, it's been disappointing to see the damage of what this situation has left behind its wake. I remember when things were so good (I'm old I've been here a while, on and off haha) and people used to write stories and post fan fiction and art and make gifs and interactive positively with one another. And people had writing challenges, and looked forward to new content and it was a fun, creative. Now, it's like the aftermath of a violent natural disaster. Some people are still holding on, but it's heartbreaking to see how destroyed everything's become.

I've been one of those hoping for a BUA because I think the fandom, the real fandom, is holding on by a thread and there's just too much happening at this point. Look at what happened today, for example. Something about today's events and what lead up to today (social media profiles going from private to public back to private back to public and so on as an example) felt so off and I don't know who or what was behind it, but it was deeply disturbing. This whole situation from the beginning has been sickening and deeply disturbing.

I do hope he finds his way, and that he doesn't fight what the universe is trying to do for him. If he only knew he's being led to something so amazing and life changing, in such a good and abundant way. The universe only ever wants to guide to you towards what's best for you. It's us who hold ourselves back and self-sabotage. If he could just let go, and trust, and see how worthy he is of what's trying to come into his life, the transformation would be so beautiful. He'll have everything he wants and what he wants, wants him return. He wouldn't desire those things, and they wouldn't written into his chart and life path if he wasn't meant to have them; he just needs to give in.

And not only does he need to heal, but I think the fandom needs/needed some healing as well. Despite not liking this entire situation, I think it's like a tower moment; I think certain things needed to happen to him and to this fandom to break things down so things could be built anew. Not only does he need to shed parts himself to get there, but the way I've been looking at it, is that the fandom needed to shed some parts of itself too (I also think the haemorrhaging fandom was a lesson for him too). Because I think, like you said, if there's going to be this transformation of him, then there needed to be this transformation of the fandom as well. Hopefully I explained that well enough.

In any event, I hope this is the end. I think for his sake, and the fandom's sake, it needs to be. No more fuckery. This has been going on for way too long and it needs to come to a close.

You can go to the tower or the tower can come to you, your choice.

Well said anon, thank you.

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louisshomesharry · 11 months

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I'm a bit or a lot late to bounce back on something you posted. On stopping pretending that we didn't think that in 2023 things would evolve on them publicly together etc etc.

Thanks for saying it, today to see people write long text saying "I just want to see them happy, I don't know if they're together... Their current situations are great"...

It chills me and I just understand that the tide has really turned… That today we didn't know anything like back then but back then we had hope.

Yes professional career level there is nothing to reproach, they vibrate with pleasure and as long as they feel it I am happy for them.

but god what did i miss when larries had so much hope of seeing them live a life without being imprisoned in the false guises

We did not ask for details on their private lives but just that the two could live freely what we always believed to be an exceptional and pure love story despite the toxic environment that surrounded them.

I can't remember where the larries stopped hoping or the new larries make up proofs/codes to try to relive an era that's already resolved…

They haven't communicated with us for a long time… They've been a long time abandoned us after needing us.

It's been a long time since they redefined things while many person think they're still trying to fight against the tide.

In 2015, I would never have thought that today we would have had images that we had in the Louis documentary or that we would have had such a sickening stunt with Harry.

I just know that in 2015 we were absorbed in hope and today we have just become orphans.

But everyone is right as long as they are happy that is the most important thing.

I love their music and their shows and it ends there for me now.

I may be sad for a time gone by.

I agree people trying to relive the past are so annoying, that is why twitter larries used to get on my nerves but now I see tumblr larries doing the same. I have lost all hope for this fandom. did you see that post that was like "if they came out we wouldn't have the content we have now!?!?" and they thought it was a good argument? They have both become insipid products, I don't know how people can like what they are giving us right now.

Like I'd be so very happy if they disappeared and were able to live their lives away from this mess. I am not scared to say that I believe them coming out would be the best thing that could happen to them and their mental health. I have no money in the game anymore, I'm finally free.

I don't believe they are as happy as this fandom likes to pretend they are. But hey as long as they keep twirling on stage and making music without going to therapy and working through their trauma I guess everything is fine and dandy in tumblr larrie land. At least they get the content they want 🤪

They have both disappointed me way too hard in the past three years for me to keep stanning them. I wish them well with their solo stans, you only deserve the stans that you have encouraged and rewarded with your ugly strategies. Call me in three years when they've lost everyone bc the next best thing will have come on the scene and they won't have the fans who grew up with them anymore cause they treated them like shit.

#anons #anyway #I'll be at @dancerachanation for the foreseeable future

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paperstarwriters · 1 year

Text

People don't often interact with my #just thinking posts so Idk if people ever see it at all, but even then, I wanna throw this out there and just keep myself accountable.

Warning for Anxieties, implied suicidal ideation, academic stress

This is a post about some of my current struggles, I'm not talking about that in depth—the main point is more hopeful I think—but the topic is there.

there's been this song I've been listening on loop to recently; Look at the Sky by Porter Robinson. It's really sweet, and really nice and alongside, Something Comforting, Get Your Wish, and You are Enough (which, unlike the others is by Sleeping at last) it's a really uplifting and encouraging set of songs that has helped me out a lot in encouraging me through my studies.

As the semester comes to an end however, the stress continues to build and grow and with it, my panic and fear.

I have no official diagnoses, but I know well enough that there's something askew in there. A little tender part that's vulnerable to failure and stress and so many other things.

And this is why I just keep coming back to Look at the Sky.

It's the chorus.

Look at the sky, I’m still here I’ll be alive next year I can make something good, oh Something good

It reads like a promise to me. Mainly because of the second line.

I'll be alive next year.

I'll keep myself here, today so I can make it to next year.

Idk. Porter Robinson mentions how it's about the creative cycle of taking in other people's work to create a new tapestry of creativity, but I always linger on this song for my studies rather than any of my creative writing.

I'm not very good at what I'm studying at, and I can't help but associate my talent in the field with how much I should like it. The study is interesting, and when I'm not constantly worrying about failing projects or failing quizzes or failing exams, the content is fascinating and fun to learn.

But I don't do well on the assignments.

I'm not failing. I'm not so horribly behind on all my assignments that I know that I'll fail or something, but I can't help but feel the need to get at least 90% on everything. It's fear driven I think. My parents wanted that of me when I was a child. the sentiment continues to linger on in me.

I didn't do so great on a single assignment this time. It's for a project—one I need to complete in order to pass the class at all. But I messed up on the formatting and I left a few tails undone at the end. It was incredibly rushed and a miracle that I had it finished at all, but I still can't help the sickening feeling that I should have done better. Even if I was staying up way past what was healthy for me, something that would cause me general dizziness and heavy sickness later on in the day, I still felt like I should have exerted myself more to check up on it and get it nice and pretty and polished.

I haven't gotten my grade back for that assignment yet. and I can't help but feel sick thinking about it.

I know that logically, the portion of my grade that would be affected might be pretty small, and I've done pretty well in the rest of my assignments. I'll probably be able to pass the class.

Still I can't help the feeling that If I don't do perfect on every single assignment, I will fail.

I have to hand in a physical copy of the assignment tomorrow, I felt so sick going back over my digital copy— forced to look at all of my sloppy and messy mistakes. I felt fear looking at it.

I felt a lot of things, really. Nasty, dark and irrational things.

But...

I'm still here.

I'll continue to try and be here tomorrow too. And the day after that. I'll make it to next year.

And even if I don't do great in that class, I can still make it to the degree I want. It'll take a little stress and struggle, but I'll get there eventually.

And until then, I can still make good things—I can write the little stories, and one shots and fanfics that make me happy.

Look at the sky, I’m still here I’ll be alive next year I can make something good, oh Something good

I promise.

#PLEASE READ TAGS #implied suicidal thoughts #tw anxiety #I don't think people are going to see this much if at all #so I'm not gonna ban reblogs quite yet #I probably will at the first signs of containment escape but yeah.#If you're my mutual/follower who has interacted with a lot of my stuff before and you think this speaks to you #I don't mind you reblogging it #I can't tell if I want people to see this or if I want it to remain hidden...#Idk #anyways #just thinking #❤️‍🩹#tw stress #tw academic stress

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riarevenge · 2 years

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I knew you’d be on it girl I love your opinions on stuff about these sickening things you take the words out of my head

honestly, i’ve been wanting to come on here and talk about it but everything has gone down on twitter, with the victim herself tweeting numerous times last night and today, and between raising awareness, tweeting, making threads that ended up getting 500+ likes that led to incels in my dms and educating men who just don’t have a clue, i was feeling too emotionally drained last night to come on here and start making posts. it can be so so tiring to try and explain the same basic ideas and concepts to men, and it can get so triggering and just emotionally very draining to have the timeline be full of topics like rape and sa. but with that being said, i think it’s very important we do out best to protect this victim, to send her love, to dm her support bc she is clearly being overloaded with hate and it’s leading to some very concerning tweets that allude to her wanting to end her life. i think arsenal has been absolutely heinous, choosing to not protect her and saying there’s nothing they can do because she’s over 18, allowing thomas partey to play, allowing him to be paid. there should be a clause in EVERY footballers contract that states if you’re accused of a crime like this, until you have GENUINELY been cleared, and im not talking a case being dropped bc of hush money or influence, you are without a contract. whether it’s terminating it or suspending the player, i don’t know, i don’t know the ins and outs of how it would work but i just know that there needs to be a clause or something that protects victims when they come forward so that they don’t see their abuser playing 90 minutes week in and week out, being cheered for, getting paid millions a year for kicking a ball round after tearing someone’s life apart. a lot of people are defending arsenal, saying they would be sued if they did anything and i honestly do not give a fuck. i don’t pity a capitalist entity that has done nothing for victims of abusers, i don’t pity a club with millions in revenue, millions of pounds that ensure they wouldn’t even flinch at a lawsuit from one lone player. it is not poor little arsenal, it is not poor little anyone other than the victim, and the various other victims as i believe she’s stated there’s more than one other woman involved. this woman had to move out of her family home bc her family supports arsenal and she couldn’t bear hearing them cheer and support him when the footie was on. it’s absolutely atrocious that thomas partey has been able to, since june 2021, live his life as if nothing has happened. it is atrocious that a mere 10 days means she cannot seek legal action for one of the rapes that took place. it is atrocious that in 2022 we are seeing people blame and accuse women of lying, simply bc they want their football club to be perfect and moral, and they want football players to play for their club without problems. abysmal

#answered #football

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tarotmander · 1 year

Text

Worth

A Poem By Sal Engle

I always used to think that no matter what, there would be someone who loved me.

First I thought my parents would always love me.

But then dad started ignoring me, and later beating me.

Then I thought atleast I will always have my mother to love me.

Then she started ignoring me too, and later drinking to the point that I couldn’t even talk to her anymore. At least I will always love myself.

That’s what I thought till today.

The day I realized that no matter how much I lie to myself; no one will ever love me.

No one will ever want me again.

All because of what they did to me.

Worth is defined as the value equivalent to that of someone or something under consideration;

The level at which someone or something deserves to be valued or rated.

And because of you I have been rendered worthless.

Your fingerprints left bruises on my skin that no one else could see.

They sank so deep that they still plague my mind years later.

In my lowest moments I can feel your fingertips pressing into me.

Claiming me against my will as my pleas for release were ignored.

I should be sickened by you.

By your actions.

But I can only find blame in myself.

I am burned because I let you light a fire in me.

I saw you build the pire.

I watched as you dragged logs and sticks to the post.

Sat there and ignored you as you laid kindling at my feet.

Desperate to believe that maybe just maybe someone might love me.

So as you bound me to the post I didn’t scream;

Never cried.

Denied to passerbys that you were going to hurt me.

Denied that you had burned others before.

I was desperate to believe that for once I wasn’t just someone who could be used like kindling.

And because of that I let you use me.

I begged you to stop but like a frat boy with nothing to loose you plowed through my red lights and damned anyone in your way to whatever fate you couldn’t be bothered enough to stick around for.

You left me with tears in my eyes and blood in my mouth but you never realised it.

Because I hid it.

I hid it because I was afraid to admit that your actions hurt me.

I was afraid to accept that I fell for your lies.

I was stupid to ever think anyone would want me and because of that I got exactly what I deserved.

I deserve to flinch at the thought of being touched.

As if I am some delicate piece of glass work high up on some shelf, ready to shatter the moment someone gets to close.

I deserve to feel sick at the sight of my body in the mirror.

Who wouldn’t feel sick at the sight of a crime scene.

That’s all I have been since I was a little kid, a crime scene.

My body has been taped off and gawked at by people my entire life.

I have been studied and stepped around as if the clothes I wore were chalk drawings and faded splotches of blood.

I am not worthy.

If I am worthy I am only worthy of this;

I am only worthy of hatred.

I am only worthy of despair.

I am only worthy of sickness.

I am worthy of the nights I have spent sobbing to the point of spewing.

I am worthy of all the times I have sat in the shower and scrubbed myself raw.

I am worthy of all the numbness from repeatedly being abandoned because I am to useless to over come something as positively fucking stupid as getting everything I deserve.

I am worthy of the whispers from those privileged enough to have never known this kind of self hatred.

I am a self deprecating, ugly, blind, stupid, ignorant, self absorbed, selfish, asinine, useless, beatdown, corpulent, piece of shit who makes my faults everyone elses problem.

I would have killed myself years ago but I was to chickenshit to go through with it.

I am to worthless to even swallow pills correctly.

In turn I deprive myself as sleep and peace to make up for my failures in making others lives easier.

I force myself to stay awake till the point of which my eyes ache and my mind cannot be bothered to think up ways I could berate myself.

Then and only then do I allow my body to fall into what is often a dreamless and harrowing rest.

I often only sleep for hours at a time for fear that when I do dream it may give me false hope for a life I stopped hoping for years ago.

My life shall forever be a day to day cycle of self pity and self loathing.

I doom myself to this life as it is what I deserve for my failure to stop you.

I claim that I will protect those victimized by people like you.

But in practice it appears that I will be awful enough to sympathise with you.

I will fall for your manipulation like a child who wants so badly to believe that Santa Claus is real that he will ignore the fact that Santa and his father have the exact same handwriting.

That is why everytime the wound that you left in me are close to healing;

I will shove my fingers into them and force them open again;

As you once did to me.

I cannot let myself heal from this because I do not deserve to be allowed to heal.

My assault at your hands was the price I paid for disregarding those you hurt before me.

As long as I know that I can never allow myself the privilege of healing.

So I will allow myself to keep reliving that shame over and over again.

I will oversexualise myself in ways that sicken me so that I will always be in someway reminded of how I failed.

How I failed to stop someone so much smaller than me,

So much weaker than me,

So much dumber than me,

To get the upper hand and use me.

Foolishly at one point I allowed you to be the reason I kept going.

And only now does hindsight allow me to realize that, that is the exact reason I deserve to die.

Albert Camus, a french philosepher once said;

"Je vois que beaucoup de gens meurent parce qu'ils estiment que la vie ne vaut pas la peine d'être vécue, et j'en vois d'autres qui se font paradoxalement tuer pour les idées, les illusions qui leur donnent une raison de vivre. Ce qu'on appelle une raison de vivre est en même temps une excellente raison de mourir"

Which when translated to english means simply this;

"I see a lot of people die because they don't believe that life is worth living, and I see others who paradoxically get killed for the ideas, the illusions that gave them a reason to live. What we call a reason to live is also an excellent reason to die."

What we call a reason to live is also an excellent reason to die.

You were once my reason to live.

But now for my own ignorance,

You are one of the many reasons, that I want to die.

Death is peace.

Death is forgiving.

And that is why I cannot kill myself.

Because I am not worthy

I am not worthy of forgiveness for my part in your crimes.

#Mature #victim blaming #guilt #SA #Vent

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thethingsistruggletosay · 2 years

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Commitment is the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.

Commitment.

I’m the happiest I’ve been in awhile. Last month, I cheated on the person I love the most. Karma came and got my ass quickly. Karma and I have a love/ hate relationship. When I put good out into the world, she always quickly rewards me, but when I do bad, she’s just as quick to let me know I had her fucked up.

Tonight I lie here with the person I love the most. I was given a second chance at life by him and by God.

Why would anyone cheat? I always asked myself this question.

Because I never cheated on anyone. I was always the one getting cheated on. When you find out the news, it feels like you’re at the amusement park and you’re on the ride that goes up super high then drops down really quickly. You know that feeling you get in your stomach when it drops? Getting cheated on feels like that feeling doesn’t stop. It’s an anxious and sickening feeling.

More than anything I regret inflicting that type of pain onto the only person that has loved me for me.

It’s been hard for me to get over this. I know he hasn’t gotten over it either.

Depression and boredom led me to do something extremely hurtful to the person I love. The person who was working to make sure we could sustain life. The person who ALWAYS makes sure our son is good. The best fiancé and best dad I know. I never have to question his faithfulness, loyalty, or actions.

I know what I did was wrong; however, this isn’t a sad post. I’m here to reminisce on the things that allowed me to fall in love with him.

The words he used in conversation with me was igniting. Unlike other men, he was genuinely interested by what was on my mind. I fell in love with him pretty early. The day we spoke outside the studio for what seemed like 5 minutes turned into several hours. After our conversation, we had our first kiss in the parking lot. Was I in love that quickly? Absolutely. I didn’t admit that of course cause I didn’t wanna scare him away. However, that was my first time falling in love. That was my first time feeling what love should always feel like. He made me feel so smart, interesting and beautiful. Almost four years later, and he hasn’t let up. One of my favorite activities was shared was the night at Skate Land. I guess you could say that was our first official date. Our day trip to Atlanta was another amazing trip. I’m still shocked at how he went into work the next day. I had to call out lol.

If you’re reading this, I want you to know how much I love you. No man on earth has or will come close to who you are and how you have been to me and for me. You’re the example men and young boys need. You set the standard in relationships. You’re my whole heart. You and our baby. I’m still alive today because of you. You embrace who I am and allow me to be myself. You’re such a sweet soul, and God really did take His time when He created you. I know people say that, but I MEAN that. You are truly one of a kind.

I’m sorry I hurt you. I hope one day our lives can continue together with a strong union. You’re the man I want to marry and grow old with. I couldn’t imagine life or death without you. I hope you learn to trust me again, and I hope you trust that I will never make another mistake like that ever again.

Five minutes will never be worth the rest of our lives.

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bakuhoes-dumbass · 3 years

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ABERRATION BOYS BIRTHDAY SPECIAL!

A/N: Hello my nerds, today is my Birthday! So to celebrate my unfortunate birth, I'm doing a special scenario post for my Ab!Boys!

What do the boys from Aberration get you for your birthday?! (GN!Reader!)

These are NOT cannon to the storline.

Warnings: VERY DARK CONTENT. Yandere Headcannons ahead. Mentions of skinning, non-con cum-eating and video recording, stalking, murder, mutilation, manipulation, etc. If you are uncomfortable with these types of things, DO NOT READ. Proceed with caution, as I do not feel bad if you choose to do so while being warned.

MINORS DNI

~~~

Tokoyami

You're seated on the bed, staring at your simple but beautiful ankle bracelet Tokoyami bought for you. Smiling, you fiddle with the gems, entranced by the sparkle that reflects off them.

"Starlight?"

Your head snaps up to see your boyfriend sticking his head through the door way. A love-sick smile grows on your face. "Fumi, you're back!"

He chuckles before slipping through the door way and sits down on the bed, hands behind his back. "Do you remember what today is?" Your face scrunches up in thought before shaking your head. He sighs warmly at the cute look on your face. "Today's your birthday, my starlight. And I got you something."

Tokoyami moves his hands from behing him and your eyes light up upon seeing the book he hands you. "Fumi, thank you! It's beautiful." Your hand traces over the cover, following the lines of the ornate designs. "It looks so familiar..." you mumble.

Tokoyami swallows the lump in his throat. "It's one of a kind, love. Would you like me to read it to you?" He tries to steer the conversation away from your feeling of familiarity, not wantinf you to realize it's one of your old books from before he took you.

You nod excitedly and climb into his lap. His arms circle around you and hold you tight, as his thumb grazes over your anklet, eyes boring into the gems that track your every movement.

Kirishima-

"Happy Birthday to my Pebble~ Happy Birthday to my Pebble~"

You glare at the redhead smiling and dancing in front of you as you tug at your restraints. A low huff leaves your lips. "Can you stop? I don't want you celebrating my birthday."

Kirishima stops dancing and gives you a puppy-dog stare. "But why? It's the day my beautiful wife was born! It should be a day to rejoice!"

"Kirishima, I'm not your wife! I'm nor your girlfriend! I'm not anything to you!" You sit up in the bed you were restrained to, only able to move so far forward. "You drugged me, kidnapped me and are currently holding me against my will."

Kirishima watches with a mixture of sadness and anger at your defiant attitude. He hates it when you struggle. He doesn't understand why you're so reluctant to be here! With him! Your husband! That's when he remembers your gift.

"Oh! This is a perfect time to give you your birthday present!"

He drops to his knees and crawls under the bed. You hear rummeging underneath you and your terror spikes. You knew what he kept under the bed, so this couldn't be good. As he comes back up, he's holding a pair of black leather cuffs.

"Surprise! I got you new cuffs!" He climbes onto the bed and straddles you. "These are so cool because instead of being just normal cuffs, they have these two little metal rivets that will shock you whenever I want!"

Your eyes widen and your mouth opens to scream. Kirishima is quick, however. He grabs your face with his hand, hardening it so your scream is muffled. His face geta closer to yours, that sickening grin never leaving.

"Baby, you don't like it? Do you want something else? Don't worry! I have another gift in mind. How about a fresh, bloodied heart that was ripped out of the chest of that mean boss of yours?"

Hawks

"You see this right here?" Your cowroker holds her hand out, showing you and your fellow employees her brand new diamond ring. "He finally proposed! It was about time. It took him awhile to get an ACTUAL ring worthy of me, though. But it's so expensive and beautiful, EEP!"

Keigo watches as you roll your eyes for the thousandth time. He could tell you were getting annoyed, and I mean, who wouldn't? Your coworker has always been a complete bitch to everyone, a lot directed at you.

"Oof, it just sucks that Y/N can't seem to find someone. That's probably the only way they'll be able to look a little less," she looks you up and down. "Er, homeless."

Keigo watches from his perch as you flip her off snd walk away. His hands clench tightly into fists, desperately wanting to knock a bitch out. That's when it hit him. It was your birthday today! And now he knew just what he wanted to gift you.

~~~

"Bye guys, and thank you!"

You wave to your friends after they drop you off at home. They had taken you out for dinner for your birthday and you bad fun. Definitely something you needed after the crappy morning you had.

As you walk up to your door, you notice a small package waiting for you outside. You smile, wondering of it was your long distance partner sending you a birthday gift. You carefully open the package, but once you see the contents, a scream is ripped out of your throat and you stumble away from the box.

Inside, what a severed finger with an absolutely beautiful diamond ring still on it. You failed to notice a small blood-covered note flitter to the floor.

'Happy Birthday, babybird. I hope you like it.'

Tamaki

Tamaki stares at you from behind a tree. He's been following you for a few hours now, just basking in all your wonderful glory. He stares at you with nothing but pure love and adoration in his eyes, wishing he could actually get up the nerve to speak to you.

Finally you're off of work and headed home. He really hates seeing you talk to all those really pretty people. What if you were to get a partner?! That wasn't him?! He whimpers at the thought, hands clenching and unclenching.

"Y/N!"

The sound of your name snaps him out of his thoughts. He watches as your friend, whom he deemed not-a-threat yet, skip up to you.

"Are you doing anything for your birthday tomorrow?"

Tamaki's face turns pale. Your birthday! How could he forget the most important day of his life?! The day his precious bunny was born. You would be so disappointed in him. He reluctantly scrambles away from his hiding spot and runs home to get your gift.

~~~

"Oh?"

You stand in your doorway, a package sitting on your front steps. You tilt your head in curiosity and pick it up. Opening it up, you find the most adorable stuffed bunny you've ever seen. And a note.

"Y/N, Happy Birthday! I hope you like this bunny, I thought if you when I saw it. Love, your secret admirer."

You squeal slightly and hug the soft fluff, thinking this was from your flirty coworker. You bring it up to your room and sit it on your bed next to your other stuffies.

Tamaki stares at the screen on his phone, his face bright red at the hug you gave the stuffed bunny. It actually felt like you were hugging him! His happiness was through the roof. He knew you would love it!

But his attention now is back on you as he watches you slowly take your clothes off, one by one, to get ready for bed. His tongue practically falls out of his mouth, watching your bare back closely.

One day, he swears he won't have to watch through the camera.

Overhaul

Chronos watches you closely over the top of his book. You glare at him with tears in your eyes while huddled up in the furthest corner of your human sized cage. Hugging your knees tighter to your chest, you turn your gaze away with a sniffle.

"You know the boss wouldn't want you to cry on your birthday."

You roll your eyes and grip you legs tighter. "I doubt someone who keeps a human in a cage really cares about when they want to cry." You sigh. "Besides, he probably doesn't even give a shit if it's my birthday. I don't even give a shit, at this point."

"Of course I care."

The hair on your body stands up on end as the voice of your captor appears. Fear shoots through you upon seeing his masked face. In one hand he has a gift bag, the other stuffed in his pocket.

"Why wouldn't I care about my pet's birthday?"

He squats to unlock the cage and gestures you over with his finger. You swallow the lump in your throat and crawl out to him, knowing the consequences if you don't follow his rules. He sits down in his chair and pats the side of his thigh for you to kneel next to him.

He opens the gift bag and pulls out a dog collar. A part of you wanted to gag at the thought of being collard to this maniac. But another part of you couldn't help but think how absolutely gorgeous and expensive this collar looked.

"Oh, it's beautiful... Master." You wanted to slap yourself for calling him that, but you had no choice. The last thing you want is to be punished.

Kai hums with approval at your words before buckling the collar around your neck. He finsihes it off with a small padlock to the back, so no one can remove it except for him. A gloves finger grazes over your neck in admiration before looking over to Chronos.

"Prep them for a routone cleaning."

The calmed state you were in was once more replaced by terror. "No, please Master! I've been good, I promise! Please dont do this!" You scramble backwards, away from the two masked men. But Kai was quick and hooked his fingers under your collar, dragging yoi back to him.

"You know this is a must, pet. I need to make sure every inch of you is cleansed before I send any more time with you." He taps the side of your collar with his free hand. "And there is no use attempting to run away. This will forever track any movement you make from here on out."

Kai throws your body over to Chronos, who throws your struggling self over his shoulder.

"Oh, and Happy Birthday, my pet."

Shoto

"Darling~"

You stir in your bed, hearing your boyfriend's voice.

"Darling, wake up~"

Eyes open to see a blurry red and white haired man softly smiling down at you. You stretch your body out and yawn with a cute smile.

"Mmmm Sho, good morning~"

Shoto sighs softly, admiring your beautiful features. "Guess what day it is today. It's a very special day."

You tolt your head, trying to remember the exact date but you are the sure. It's been while since time actually mattered.

"It's your birthday, darling! Happy Birthday! I've got something fun planned for you~"

You sit up, your chains rattling against the bed frame. "You do? I'm so excited! What is it?"

Shoto holds up his black card. "We're going shopping. I'll be getting whatever your heart desires."

Your eyes widen. "Wait, does that mean I actually get to go out? Really?!"

Shoto's smile falters before returning to a softened look. Slight guilt flashes in his eyes. "Darling, you know I can't let you go outside. It's not safe. No, we're doing online shopping~" Shoto grabs his phone and crawls behind you, sitting you in his lap. "Here lets look through some sights and get you some cute stuff."

"I want my darling to have everything they want, so they don't want to leave~"

Dabi

"Mouse."

You stay huddled up in the corner of the room, knees to your chest, not even daring to look at him. Dabi frowns at your defiant behavior. He knows he took you without your permission, but that was so long ago. Shouldn't you have been broken in by now?

"Little Mouse."

You continue to rock back and fourth on the floor, chains clanking together. Dabi sighs, annoyance starting to eat at him. He walks over to you and grabs yoi by the throat, lifting you up.

"You are to respond when I'm speaking to you. Understand?" You let out a little squeak and quickly nod your head with widened eyes. He sits you down on the bed and gives you a lazy smile. "That's better. Now, I have something for you."

He opens the closet door to bring out a box. He places it in front of you. "Happy Birthday, my little mouse."

"Oh, yeah. That's today." You mumble quietly. Kmowing Dabi, this gift was going to have some sort of catch but curiosity got the better of you. But curiosity turned into regret immediately as you throw the lid and scream.

Inside the box were a pair of boots. But they weren't jusf any pair of boots, they were handmade. It was human skin staples together, making them look just like Dabi himself.

"What, does my little mouse not like them?" He smirks before climbing on the bed. He grabs your legs and pulls you down towards him with a manic look on his face.

"That's fine. How about I burn my name into you instead?"

Bakugo

"KATSUKI!"

You jolt up in bed, suddenly awakened by a nightmare. Looking next to you, you see your boyfriend's side of the bed empty. A whimper escapes your lips as yoi trt to calm your racing heart.

"Angel?!" The door to the bedroom slams open, Bakugo's quirk popping in his hands and waiting to attack whomever touched his precious angel. He looks around frantically but notices nothing except your heavy breathing and sweat covered body. "Are you alright? What happened?"

You motion towards him with a sniffle and grabby hands. "I had a dream that you locked me back up in the basement again for days, without you." He comes sits next to you on the bed and pushes the hair out of your sweat covered face. "It was dark and silent and terrifying. Please don't do that again! I would miss you! I've been good, I promise!"

Bakugo sighs and pulls you into a hug. "I know, Angel. You've been doing so well, I'm so proud of you." He plants a kiss on your head as you relax into his arms. "I have a surprise for you actually. Stay right here."

You nod your head, watching him leave the room for a moment, your ankle tugging on the chain that attached you to the bed. I mean, it's not like you would get very far. Bakugo comes back in with a plate of cake and a candle.

"Happy Birthday, my beautiful angel."

Your eyes light up as he sets the piece of cake in front of you. You blow out the candle and take a bite, savoring the taste. "Kats, this is so good! The cake is so fluffy and the frosting is creamy and sweet. Thank you!"

Bakugo watches you with a lovesick grin on his face. He goes to adjust the tightness in his pants as he watches you devour his specially made cake without hesitation.

Denki

"Yeah, it's been super weird. I've been finding these little pieces of jewelry on my bed almost every night the past week."

You continue cleaning the counter as you explain to your cowroker the weird things that have been happening to you. She gives you a strange look.

"Are you sure you haven't misplaced your jewelry on your bed and just forgot?"

You turn your head to give her a dumbfounded look. "Uh, yeah. I think I would remember putting jewelry I've nevee seen before on my bed at the same time every night."

"Well, I don't know! It's just so weird. I don't have any other rational explanation." She suddenly gasps. "What if you have a stalker?!"

"Shh, don't say things like that." You hiss at her but a part of you is wondering if that might be true.

After your shift ends, you wave goodbye and begin your journey home. Unbeknownst to you, an energetic blonde watches as you walk home, excited for you to see your final birthday gift.

Once you step through the door of your house, something feels off. Having a weird feeling, you immediately but slowly make your way to your bedroom and turn on the lights. That's when you see a small but long white box placed on your bed, this time with a note. You carefully open the box to reveal a gorgeous necklace with a small black and yellow lightning bolt charm. Swallowing the lump in your throat, you reluctantly open up the note, hoping to finally uncover some answers.

"Happy Birthday, my dear. You can call me Kaminari. And soon, you will be all mine."

Midoriya

*Click*

You turn around upon hearing the closing of a camera shutter but see nothing. Thinking it's all in your head, you shrug and continue to walk to your parents for your birthday dinner.

"Shit, that was too close." Midoriya mumbles under his breath as he hides in a set of bushes just beyond your vision. He scrolls through his camera roll, looking through every single shot to make sure he's got what he needs.

"These aee perfect! Oh they're going to love it!" He checks to make sure you're long gone before he scrambles out of his hiding spot and runs home to make your gift.

~~~

You unlock the door to your house and step inside with a sigh. As much as you love your birthday and seeing your family, sometimes they can be a little much. Now it's time for you to sit back and relax. You change into your pajamas and turn on your comfort movie with a drink in hand, when suddenly your doorbell rings.

"Who the hell is here at 10 at night?"

You carefully peek through the peep hole in your door, not seeing anyone. Slowly, you open the door and look down to see a neatly wrapped gift. You know you probably shouldn't take a strange gift off of your doorstep, but curiosity gets the better of you.

Taking it back to your livingroom, you open it to reveal a scrapbook. Anxiety raises through your body as you open the first page. Eyes widen in horror the further you flip through, non-consentual pictures taken of you and your family litter the pages. Not only are there ones from being out in public, but private, intimate moments that no one should have seen. But the moment you found a lock of your hair glued to one of the pages was the moment you called the police.

Shinso

Shinso squats infront of you as you stare at him with dead eyes.

"Kitten, I have a surprise for you today."

You shake your head, mumbling. "I don't want it."

Shinso caresses your cheek with his hand before giving it a quick slap. You try ti3 jerk your head away but he grips your cheeks, squishing them together. "Stop being a brat, you don't even know what it is yet. Now, stand up."

You don't even get a chance to stand up yourself as Shinso hauls you up by your face. "I'm taking you out for your birthday."

Your eyea widen in fear and you shake your head. "N-No, please. I'd rather stay here. L-Let's do something together here. Please."

Shinso clicks his tongue. "Come now, kitten. I'm letting you go outside. We don't do this very often, it's a special treat. Is it not?"

You shake your head. "Please, no, everytime you take me out you-"

You go silent, mind fogged over and once again, under his control. There are moments when he mind-controls you to where you don't remember anything the morning after and those moments are awful. But when he feels like being extra cruel? He finally takes you outside, taking you out to eat, to see a movie, to go shopping. You're under his control the entire time but you remember everything. You are right there, fully aware of whats happening around you but can't do anything to ask for help, to save yourself. And it's terrifying

A tear rolls down your cheek as you follow him out the front door, his hand in yours. He smirks, knowing you could never leave him.

"Happy Birthday, Kitten."

#yandere mha #yandere my hero academia #aberration hcs #aberration #bakuhoes-dumbass

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