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loversj0y · 11 months

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this is me trying

coming back to london and being away from wilbur was hard. fighting your own coping methods and trying is harder.

pairing: wilbur soot x gn! reader

angst, hurt/comfort

TRIGGER WARNINGS: fighting, yelling, broken bottles, lots of tears, and alcoholism, plus the briefest (one line) insinuation of suicidal thoughts.

note: this is part of the 'tis the damn season universe, but doesn't particularly have to be read alongside it (though you'd probably be very confused if you didnt read it). this part is pretty heavy. not even going to lie, i had to stop writing a few times to keep myself from getting too stressed, really heed the warnings. at least im getting better at writing fights? ao3 version

word count: 5.7k

You and Wilbur hadn’t seen each other in months. It was May, and the warm air was making the days feel a bit more pleasant if it weren’t for the glaring guilt in your chest.

The last time you and Wilbur had seen each other was Valentine’s Day, when he’d taken a train up to London to visit you and surprise you with some takeout and roof access to your apartment — you didn’t actually know you could get up there. He wasn’t able to spend too much time with you, mostly due to your own time constraints, but it was a nice trip nonetheless. When he left, you’d promised you’d come down to Brighton to visit him soon.

That didn’t quite work out. You were going to visit for a full week at the end of the second term, however, once you’d met with your advisor, you learned just how behind you were on your final dissertation. It was incredulous because you had thought you were on track with it, but regardless you had to spend break trapped in the library, trying desperately to catch up on writing your paper on Lord Byron’s work. Then, you were supposed to visit during the Easter weekend, but you were given a paper, due in a week, that blocked any opportunities for travel.

But you were determined this time. You had to do this. You devised a plan, and you found a perfect weekend where you would be completely free of assignments if you hustled. You even got Tommy in on it.

“Hey, Tommy, sorry to call you like this, do you have a moment to chat?”

You heard a laugh through the phone, “Yeah, hold on,” he mumbled something off the phone, and you could make out the sounds of him walking to another room.

“What’s up?”

“I want to surprise Wilbur, and I need your help.” You smiled as you started launching into the details of your plan, each piece meticulously planned out for a wonderful weekend.

He grinned, “Aw, he would love that. Why d’ya need my help though?”

“Well,” you faltered a bit, “there’s a flaw in my plan, and it’s that I don’t know where Wilbur’s apartment is, and I especially don’t know how to get there from the station. So, I was wondering if you’d be able to pick me up and take me to Will’s?”

“Oh, yeah, no problem, plus it’ll allow me to annoy him a bit as well, so yeah, sounds good.”

You cheered a bit, “Thank you so much, Tommy, you’re the best. I’ll text you all the other details, yeah?”

“Aw, I am the best, thank you. And yeah, that works.”

“Perfect, bye, Tommy!”

He responded with a quick bye in return, and you felt yourself grin. You had been trying so hard to find time to be able to go see him, and this was it!

You got a call a few minutes later from Wilbur himself, and you worried immediately that Tommy may have spilled something accidentally. You didn’t even have a chance to speak before he questioned you.

“Why did you call Tommy with something he will only describe as being ‘important’ and ‘for cool people only’?”

You snorted out a laugh, rolling your eyes a bit, “Well, hello, to you, too, Wilbur.”

“Hi, darling, I hope your classes went well today,” he rushed out, “Now answer my question.”

“I just had a question for him, Will.”

“One that you couldn’t ask me?” You could hear the pout in his voice.

“Nope. As he mentioned, it's for cool people only.”

He let out a gasp, indignation clear in his voice, “Darling, how could you? I am much cooler than Tommyinnit.”

You could faintly make out the sound of Tommy yelling at Wilbur in the background.

“Don’t worry, alright?” You laughed, “It was just something only he could really answer.”

“Are there questions that exist that only that gremlin child can answer?”

“Believe it or not, yes.”

Wilbur whined on the other side of the phone, “Love, you know he’s going to hold this over me for months, right?”

“Oh, I’m aware.”

“So, why?”

“Well, if I’m going to ask a Minecraft-related question,” you lied cooly, “it’s better to ask a professional, isn’t it?”

He was silent for a long moment. “...I am a professional.”

“Will, we’ve played Minecraft together for years. You’re good, but even I could beat you at PVP.”

He groaned, “Is this some ploy? Are you messing with me?”

“Is it wrong for me to try and get closer to your best friend by asking him questions about his interests?” Okay, truthfully, that was a low blow. But the surprise would make it worth it.

“I guess not.” He chuckled, “Sorry, I’m just annoyed about how smug he’s going to be about this.”

“Don’t apologize. You know I wouldn’t miss an opportunity to chat with you, anyway.”

“I wouldn’t either, love,” you could hear the smile in his voice, and the vague sound of Tommy speaking to someone. From over the phone, the room sounded louder than before.

“Is… something going on over there?” You chuckled, trying to hide the nervousness in your tone. You didn’t even know why you were nervous. Something was just gnawing at the back of your brain, and for some reason, you just felt… tense now.

“Oh, uh,” he paused, and you could hear more people talking now, “sort of. It’s nothing big or anything just, uh, Tommy’s having some friends over is all. He and I have been hanging out for a bit today, but we’re just at his now, so he invited a few people over and stuff.”

You nodded quietly. You couldn’t help the sadness you felt fill your chest. You were trying to be there, but it was still hard to hear about all the things you were missing out on, all the times you missed him, and stories and inside jokes you would never truly understand.

“Right, okay. Well, I-I’ve got to get back to studying, anyway, so.”

“Darling, it’s nothing, really-” “No, it’s not an excuse or anything,” It was, “I-I just… ‘m busy, is all, so I’ll let you hang out.”

You were both silent. He knew you were lying, and you could tell. But he wouldn’t call you on it. Not now. Not when you hadn’t seen each other in months and every slight felt like a balancing act, trying to keep the other from pulling away. You were so excited a moment ago, and you didn’t mean for the sadness to overtake your entire conversation. You just couldn’t help sometimes how every conversation, every time you heard him talk about the things he was doing, cut you open more and more. He didn’t mean to, and you would never hold it against it but almost every conversation opened the wound a bit further.

He spoke up after a minute, “Okay, well… good luck studying, and text me when you’re done,” he paused, voice softer, “I love you.”

You bit your lip, unable to hide the guilt bubbling in your chest at his solemn tone, “I will. I love you too.”

You hung up quickly, setting your phone down on your desk. You placed your head in your hands, taking a shaky breath and fighting off the tears in your eyes. It would be easier, soon. You’d see him in a week. You tried to console yourself.

You wouldn’t admit it out loud to Wilbur, no matter how much he asked, but you weren’t entirely adjusting well to being back here, without him. The first week, you could only fall asleep if he was on the phone with you. Then, there was one night where he fell asleep before you could call. You ended up turning to an older sleep method, knowing that you needed to get to bed in order to be able to make it to classes. Before you knew it, your room became littered with empty bottles you barely had the energy to clean up. It was an interesting dichotomy, the clear vodka bottles piling on your nightstand and the white Panadol bottles piling on your sink and in your backpack. You were mostly lucky the weekend he came for Valentine’s Day, because you had forced yourself to clean up your room a few days before, meaning there was only one half-empty bottle of vodka on your shelf, and a single bottle of Panadol left on your sink (though there were numerous more inside your school bag).

You weren’t completely lucky, though. Your weekend with Wilbur was almost entirely perfect. Until the end. Every time you thought back to the end, you watched the memory as if it wasn’t you, as if you were a watcher, not the one actually there.

You’d walked back in with Wilbur, around midnight. The apartment was mostly quiet, except for one of your roommates who was standing in the kitchen, fixing themselves a drink. When they heard you enter, they turned, perking up a bit.

“Y/N, hey, could I borrow some vodka? I ran out.”

You’d nodded, “Yeah, I’ll grab it, hold on.”

While you’d gone to grab the bottle, Wilbur took his coat off, your roommate lightly chatting with Wilbur while you walked to your room and back. You’d only caught the ending of their brief conversation, listening in as you walked slowly from the hallway back to the kitchen, trying to not wake up your other roommates.

“-mean, seriously, Wilbur, they can even drink me under the table. Every week, they come in with a new bottle.”

“Wait, every week?”

“Yeah!” Your roommate was laughing, and it hadn’t even crossed your mind yet that they were talking about you, “I mean, seriously, once a week, they walk in and one hand has a bag with vodka from Tesco, and the other hand has a bag from the chemist’s.”

You walked back over by the time your roommate finished speaking, placing the bottle in front of them. Wilbur gave you a strange look as you did, going uncharacteristically quiet as you said a quick goodnight to your roommate, bringing Wilbur, and the bottle, back to your room.

You placed the bottle back on the shelf while Wilbur closed the door. With your back turned, he spoke up finally.

“Darling…” he seemed to struggle to find the words, “Are you… okay?”

You’d chuckled, “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You tell me,” he spoke, and you turned to face him. He had a sad look on his face, almost pitiful, and in the moment, it made you feel sick. “You’ve apparently been going through a bottle a week.”

Your entire body had gone rigid, eyes had gone fearful for a moment before you’d defaulted to being defensive. “That doesn’t mean anything is wrong, Wilbur. It just helps me relax, and you know that I can handle my alcohol.”

“Love, you can’t seriously expect me to just accept that answer,” he scoffed, and he almost looked mad. Looking back, you knew he wasn’t mad at you, more just concerned that you were trying to hide this from him. Even so, in the moment, you thought he was mad. While you couldn’t really place why he would’ve been mad, you knew that it made your own blood heat up.

“Well, it’s- the fucking truth, okay? So just- leave it.”

“How many bottles?”

“Wilbur, what-”

“How. Many.” He looked tense, walking to your bathroom and grabbing the bottle of Panadol, “How many weeks has this been going on? How many bottles have you gotten? If you’re struggling, you should–”

“I’m not fucking struggling, you’re reading into this!”

“Oh, am I? Really?”

“Yes, Wilbur! I am fine, better than fine, in fact, and don’t act like you haven’t been drinking too. You always text me when you do!”

“I’m not against you drinking, but you know how insane going through a fifth a week is. I know that’s not normal for you.”

“How the fuck do you know that? Hm?” You’d practically yelled out before you spoke out again, each word spitting venom at him, “You haven’t been here, Wilbur, you don’t know anything about the way I am when I’m here! Please stop fucking acting like you know everything about me.” You’d gestured with your hands while you spoke, eyebrows raising as you looked at him incredulously, “Yes, okay, fine, you win! I have been drinking more! Basically every night, but that doesn’t mean that something is wrong with me, Wilbur. I am trying my hardest just to fucking exist enough to finish the school year, I am allowed to have vices without it being some big, stupid conversion. Now, let’s just drop it, we’re both exhausted. It’s not going to help to just stand here and argue, okay?”

You’d panted softly as you’d finished. You watched as waves of hurt appeared on Wilbur’s face, and now that the moment had passed, you’d felt just complete, immediate regret as you watched his face fall, staring down at the floorboards.

“Yeah. Fine.” He spoke out flatly.

You two went to bed that night next to each other, still sharing a kiss and exchanging “I love you”s, but feeling tenser than ever before.

In the morning, you two had been able to patch things up, but not before Wilbur made you agree to just call him anytime you needed to relax instead of immediately turning to alcohol. You agreed, and you’d been doing a pretty good job of it, even if you still drink sometimes. But ever since the fight, there’d been this tense air in your relationship, lingering in each conversation, both too scared to overstep and lose the other all over again.

You stared at the bottle on your desk as if it was taunting you. You couldn’t call him, so it was that or sleeplessness. You sat up, shaking your head slightly and wiping the tears from your face, taking a deep breath. You couldn’t. Wilbur would call before bed, he always did now. Instead, you distracted yourself, pulling up your laptop and writing out your list of due dates for this week and the next two weeks, albeit the tears in your eyes made it a bit harder than usual. You wrote the list on a sticky note, placing it on your laptop. Some of these things were easier to knock out than others, for sure. Three big assignments and three small ones, plus whatever reading you had to do in between. Thankfully, only two of the big assignments were due this week, the last one could be left for after you came back from visiting him.

You got started, working on a poem analysis for your Romantic Poetry class and letting your own thoughts fade in the noise of Wordsworth and Keats.

You’d started working on your second small assignment when he’d called later that night. You set your phone up against your laptop, accepting the video call with a gentle smile on your face.

“Hi, darling,” he grinned, and with a quick listen to his voice, you could tell he wasn’t entirely sober. You didn’t bring it up.

“Hi, Will. Did you have fun at Tommy’s?”

He nodded quickly, turning to get comfortable in his bed, “Kid’s a menace, for sure, but yes,” he frowned, getting a better look at you, “Babe, are you still studying?”

You sighed, “Yes, Will, I am.” “It’s been like three hours, how dare they? How could they possibly assign you so much?”

“God, I wish I knew. It’s like they all just decided that everything would be due this week. I might not be able to do our video chat dinner this Friday. I have a huge project due on the 21st.” In reality, you would be taking an hour train to his place and having real-life dinner, but he didn’t need to know that yet.

“That’s not for so long though,” he whined out, pouting.

You chuckled, rolling your eyes a bit, “Yes, but it’s Professor Brian. He makes us all come to his office hours, so he can make sure we’re on the right track, and I need to go in early before the other students can take up all the timeslots. I need to make sure I have everything prepared for that.”

He sighed, relinquishing, “Okay. I know how important all this is, anyways. Plus, graduation isn’t too far now, so you need to finish strong.” He smiled, nothing but supportive towards your academic goals.

“Graduation will be here before we know it. Still gonna host me that party?”

You both laughed, and he nodded, “Oh, absolutely. We’ll have two parties, a moving party and a graduation party all in one.”

You smiled fondly at him, nodding, “Yeah. That sounds really nice.”

He gave you a look, eyes full of love and adoration, “I miss you so much, love.”

You sighed wistfully, “I miss you too. We’ll see each other soon enough, I’m sure. We’ve waited years, we can do months.”

He grinned, repeating your words, “We can do months.”

The rest of the conversation was standard, asking “How’s your day”s and sharing loving words. He tried to convince you to sleep once more, but you told him how important your work was, and he eventually gave up the topic. You wished each other a goodnight, saying “I love you”, before he eventually headed to bed fully. After you hung up, you looked back up at the bottle. The urge to drink was gone now. And if you weren’t going to get any sleep, you may as well continue working.

The rest of the week went by smoothly. The stress and weight of assignments and your plans for Friday kept you from sleeping properly, which at least gave you more time to work on your assignments.

Friday approached quickly, and you couldn’t sit still in a single class the entire day, let alone Professor Brian’s class. He taught your Victorian Literature class, and he was a genuinely caring professor, despite being a bit intimidating. You could barely focus throughout class, far too excited. When it was time for class to be dismissed, you stood eagerly, but Professor Brian stood in the way for you to leave.

“Do you mind staying a few minutes?” He asked, a kind smile on his face.

As much as you didn’t want to, you really liked this professor, and his opinion of you meant a lot to you. So you nodded, following him to pull a chair up to the other side of his desk.

He sat down, giving you a gentle smile, “I wanted to ask how your paper is going. You haven’t come in for office hours yet.”

Wow, and you thought you were the early prepper. “Well, I was planning to come in on Wednesday since it would give me a week until the project was actually due.”

He frowned, “What day is the paper due?”

You gave him a confused look, responding simply, “The 21st.”

His head tilted back, and he nodded slowly, “Right, I’ve found the problem then. The paper is due the 12th, not the 21st.”

You felt your heart stop. You pulled out your laptop, looking at the sticky note you had taped to it. You had certainly written the 21st. Fuck, you thought, realizing quickly that it must’ve been a consequence of your own mental state since you’d been crying when you wrote the list.

“Oh. Oh, god, I’m-” You struggled to continue your sentence, too distraught. The paper was due in three days, not twelve like you’d thought.

“Hey, don’t fret,” he pulled out his calendar, humming for a moment, “It’s an honest mistake, and you’ve always been on top of your classwork. I can’t offer a major extension, but I can give you until Wednesday the 14th, but that’s only if you come to office hours first thing on Monday. I can help out with some more of the editing work for the paper, but only on that day, and you’ll need to have at least most of it worked out. I trust in your abilities to create a well-thought-out thesis, especially given your passion in previous classes when we’ve discussed Wilde. Does that work?”

You nodded quickly, fighting tears as your entire plan crumbled around you. “Yeah, yes. I-I can do that.”

“Alright.” He offered you another kind smile, though it did nothing to stop the feeling of the world-shattering around you, “And are you alright? You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t wish to, but you were much more quiet in class today than usual.”

“Yeah. It’s nothing now, anyway.” You sighed, biting your lip to keep it from quivering too much. You stood, pulling your bag on while he nodded slowly.

“Keep your head up, alright? You’re a brilliant student. I don’t like to see you falling behind.”

You knew he meant no harm with his words, but it added to the pit of self-hatred that you were slowly sinking into.

You just nodded, turning and heading towards the door, “Thank you, Professor.”

“Have a good rest of your day.”

“You too,” you spoke, trying to put more enthusiasm into your words than you actually felt.

You practically ran out of the hallway, the air feeling like it was choking you. You walked to a random bench outside, on the edge of campus, unable to stop yourself from completely breaking down. You’d been planning this for weeks, how could you have fucked up this bad? You sobbed, head in your hands.

The tears didn’t stop. The sun was starting to set, and all of a sudden it felt like there were too many eyes on you, so you stood and ran. You ran all the way to the water, panting heavily as you stared out at the river, standing on the old bridge that was always abandoned this time of night. You stared at the water as you sobbed, chest heaving as you struggled to breathe.

Fuck.

You had to call Tommy. You already felt like enough of a fuck-up, you could at least prevent him from wasting his time picking you up.

With shaky hands, you took out your phone, dialing Tommy.

It rang once before he picked up, your sobs immediately carrying over the phone.

“Y/N?” He asked, panicked, “Are you crying, did something happen?”

You heard some arguing over the phone, but you could barely hear it over the sounds of your own crying as you began to speak, “Tommy, don’t- I-” your voice quivered, biting your lip hard enough to bleed.

There was still some arguing happening on his side, but you paid it no mind.

He tried to say something, but you cut him off before he could as the words broke through your sobs.

“Don’t- don’t bother p-picking me up,” you sobbed out, “I f-fucked it. I fucked it all up.”

“Y/N, what’s going on? Talk to me.”

“It’s- it’s stupid, I- I’m sorry. I can’t- I can’t come anymore. I fucked up,” there was sarcastic laughter behind your words as you continued speaking, tears streaming down your face, “I can’t, fuck, I- I fucking ruined everything, I- I was trying, I am trying, but I-” you gasped for breath, one hand clutching your chest weakly as you sat at the edge of the bridge.

“Take a deep breath, come on. What are you talking about?” It almost sounded like he was pleading.

“I just-” you sobbed, trying to muffle your cries to get your words out, “Tell Wilbur I’m sorry.” You pulled your phone away from your ear, ending the call despite hearing his panicked voice through the phone. You shoved your phone in your bag, curling up into a tight ball as you sobbed until you could barely think.

Unfortunately for you, you could still think. Your sobbing had been reduced to slow tears and the occasional hitch in your breath. As the sunset faded into the night sky, you became so acutely aware of how you’d fucked up your relationship. The one you’d spent years pining for, that you wanted to work so hard for. You let all of it fall apart. Even when trying so hard, your trying just wasn’t enough. You stood up, walking to the railing and staring down at the water.

The rushing water felt like it stared back at you.

You gripped the railing tightly, and you suddenly felt like you couldn’t breathe all over again. You slowly backed away, letting go of the railing and trying to collect yourself.

Once you were calm enough, you turned, walking the slow trek back to your apartment. Your eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, and it’d be impossible to hide that you’d been crying even if you tried. You realized off-handedly that you had no clue how long you’d been there sobbing. The sky was your only reminder that time had even passed.

You walked to the apartment slowly, body feeling drained. When you opened the door, you were met with all three of your roommates in the living room, staring at you with concern. One of your roommates, Jayden, sighed softly, speaking into the phone and looking away.

“What’s going on?” You asked softly, voice cracking. You didn’t have the heart to be embarrassed.

“Wilbur called,” your other roommate, Quinn, spoke up softly.

You didn’t bother responding, just nodding and walking to your room. They didn’t fight it, watching you quietly.

You grabbed the bottle, laying down in your bed, and staring at it. There was barely anything left, probably about a shot’s worth. Your hands shook as you stared, mentally waging a war over whether or not you’d take that final sip. A sob wracked your body, and instead of drinking it, you threw the bottle against the opposite wall, watching it shatter and spill over the floor. You couldn’t be bothered, turning away from the door and curling up into a tight ball. You heard movement outside your door, but you didn’t move, and eventually, the footsteps departed. You closed your eyes, lying drained on your bed and letting yourself drift in and out of restless sleep.

When you came to at one point, you could make out the sound of someone picking up the pieces of glass you’d shattered. You wanted to turn, to mumble a thank you to whichever roommate had cleaned it for you, but you felt frozen in your own sadness. You listened, though, keeping your eyes closed. The sounds of each shard falling into a bag, the sound of a towel wiping at the wet spot left by the vodka. Then, there was a pause before you heard the gentle sound of footsteps moving toward your bed. You felt the bed dip, and you couldn’t fight the confusion that creased into your brow. An arm slowly wrapped around you, and you let your eyes open, taking a moment to process. You thought you must be dreaming.

Your voice sounded weaker than you’d hoped it would as you spoke.

“Wilbur?” You turned, looking up and seeing the face of your lover staring back at you. He looked as exhausted as you felt, and it looked like he’d been crying as well.

You sat up slowly, and he did the same, brushing back some of your hair.

“Hi,” He sighed softly, sitting across from you, “You scared the shit out of me.”

Tears welled in your eyes, and your hands reached for him as if to make sure he was actually, really there in front of you. He held onto your arms gently as well.

“What- what are you doing here?” “You were on speaker when you called Tommy.” He sighed softly, “We could only come for tonight, but we really need to talk. We could wait til the morning if you’d prefer.”

As much as you’d like to have one last good night in his arms, you’d rather rip the bandaid off now.

“No, let’s talk now.” You sighed.

He nodded, watching you quietly, “Can you tell me what happened, then?”

You took a shaky breath, nodding softly. “I was going to come down this weekend. I spent weeks planning it, making sure I could get everything done in perfect timing. But that night I called Tommy, after you called me, I started crying, and I wrote down one of my due dates wrong,” you sniffled, chuckling sardonically at yourself. “God, it’s so stupid. But my professor stopped me after class, and he extended the due date, but he could only extend it by two days. So, I couldn’t come to surprise you anymore, and,” you sobbed, biting your lip and trying to hold yourself together, “I called Tommy and let him know that he didn’t- he didn’t have to pick me up anymore.”

Wilbur nodded as he listened to you explain. He knew you better than you ever wanted to admit. “On the phone, you said… you ruined everything. You weren’t just talking about the plans, were you?”

You shook your head, moving your hands to hide your face behind them, “No.”

“Did you… think that I would stop talking to you because of this?”

You took a shaky breath. It felt like your last chance to be honest while you still could. So, you let the words spill from your mouth in endless streams.

“I just- I haven’t been doing well, Wilbur, ever since I got back here. I was drinking every night, really heavily, and I know it wasn’t good. And I’m sorry for how I talked to you that night, I was just scared and defensive, and,” you took a shaky breath, “every time we’ve talked after that fight, everything would feel different, and I was just getting terrified that my time was running out, that you were going to finally decide that you’ve had enough of the fucking mess that I am. Every time you would tell me about the cool things you were doing, I just couldn’t help but feel like it was cutting me open, no matter how happy I was for you, and now, I just I feel like I’m an open wound that can’t close no matter how much I try. And I am trying. You have to believe me, really, I am trying. I didn’t,” You cried softly, head still in your hands, “I didn’t drink it. The rest of the bottle, I-I didn’t drink it. I am trying.” You felt like you were pleading for him to believe you.

“Hey, hey” he spoke softly, gently holding onto your forearms, “Let me see your face. Please.”

You let your hands fall, looking up at him. You never felt smaller than in that brief moment where you could feel him seeing you in your entirety.

He gently moved a hand to your cheek, wiping at your eyes softly.

“I know you’re trying. I’m proud of you for not drinking it. Really, I’m insanely proud of you. I can see that you’re trying. I’m not going to leave you or stop talking to you because you’re struggling. That doesn’t mean what happened is okay, but darling, you need to communicate with me. Neither of us are going to be perfect about anything, and I know I’m not perfect with it either, but when you start having these thoughts and ideas that I’m going to leave you? That’s when you need to come to me and talk to me. I know it’s hard, and I’m not expecting it to be an easy or quick fix, but I need to know that you know that you can come to me. That I’m someone you truly trust. Because if not, it will just hurt us both.”

You nodded quickly, leaning into his touch, “I’m sorry. I’m going to try, I just- I get so in my head sometimes, I just-” You took a shaky breath, and he carefully moved forward, pulling you into a tight hug. You hugged him back just as tightly, burying your face into his chest.

“I do trust you,” you whispered, “I’m just scared you’re going to see me the way I see me.”

He took a shaky breath, kissing the top of your head. “And I’m just trying to get you to see yourself the way I see you.”

You sobbed softly, clinging onto him tightly. He held you just as desperately, rubbing your back.

“I love you,” you spoke softly once you’d calmed down enough, “so much.” “I love you so much too.” He pulled away, only to pull you in for a kiss. You kissed him back, your arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders. The kiss felt like breathing, a strong sense of relief in the physical confirmation that despite everything, you didn’t lose him.

When you pulled away, you rested your forehead against his, and you both sat like that quietly for a few minutes.

“I missed you,” You spoke softly, looking up at him. “You said you’re only here for tonight?”

“I missed you too. Even if it didn’t go as planned, at least we still got to see each other this weekend,” he lightly joked before nodding, “We are only here for tonight.”

“Wilbur, I can’t go to Brighton anymore, I have to write my paper,” you sighed.

“Oh, no, I know. I wasn’t talking about you.” “What?” “Tommy insisted on coming with. He was really worried too. He’s currently sleeping on your couch.”

You chuckled, your chuckle soon turning into full laughter as you imagined Tommy’s lanky limbs leaning off your cheap couch. Wilbur started laughing as well, arms still wrapped around you, slowly rubbing up and down your back.

Once you stopped laughing, you leaned into him, relaxing against his chest. He moved both of you into laying down.

“I’ll talk to him in the morning. Today’s been exhausting. Can we just sleep?” Wilbur nodded, kissing the top of your head once more. “I would love nothing more than to sleep with you right now.”

You groaned, lightly hitting his chest, but you couldn’t deny the laughter that bubbled up in your chest.

“Goodnight, love.” He grinned.

“Goodnight, Wilbur.”

taglist: @shubblelive / @superioritycomplexes / @your-shifting-gurl (send an ask/dm me if you want to be added)

#wilbur soot x reader #wilbur soot #mcyt x reader #dsmp x reader #mar writes #wilbur x reader #tis the damn season au #mcyt x you #wilbur soot x you #wilbur soot fanfiction #mcytumblr #mcyt wilbur

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jayswritings13 · 1 year

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Total Drama: Mike and Mal Relationship Headcanons

Request: "Can I request dating headcanons for Mike and Mal from Total Drama?"

💗Masterlist | WIP Page

Mike

Very nervous

At first, you thought that it was just because he liked you and such.

You really didn't know too much about Dissociative Identity Disorder to suspect that.

Well, until Mike came out and told you himself.

"....So I take it that you're going to want nothing to do with me now?" Mike glanced away, bracing himself up for you're affirmation of his worst fears.

That he was someone not worth knowing.

That he was strange.

That he was c-

"What?! Of course not!" You said, "You mean a lot to me and a mental illness cannot change that. I want you to know that you have my full support." You paused, smirking a bit at him, "I'm an okay listener."

That was all he wanted: acceptance.

WORDS OF AFFIRATION

Mike is often very self deprecating and negative about himself, so hearing positive affirmations melts his heart and catches his attention like nothing else.

Pet names and nicknames are not so much Mikes thing

That, however, does not stop you.

"Babe, hand me that pencil."

"If Scott wants to fuck with you, then I have to fuck with him, hun. I don't make the rules!"

"You got this, sweetheart."

Mike likes to return the favor through acts of service.

Need help with putting together something? He may not be good at it, but he'll be there.

Sick with the flu? Already picking up cold medicine, soup, and movies to watch/fall asleep too.

Have to clean out your car? He's already done it and made sure to get it washed too.

"How are you so nice?" You laughed, grabbing another handful of popcorn out of the bowl you to shared.

"I don't know. Maybe you're just lucky." He grinned.

"I already knew that, hun. You smiled, "I consider myself very lucky."

"I am too."

Mal

Not to much surprise, he wasn't too shy or nervous about confessing feelings for you in the ways that you expect.

He is actually rather blunt about his thoughts and feelings

Which can lead to fights and arguments

"C'mon, how long are you going to freeze me out?" Mal groaned, rolling his eyes. "I was just honest."

"You called the dinner that I made shitty. I spent all day on that!"

"And I gave you an honest critique for next time. You're welcome!"

Don't expect any romantic or mushy stuff from him.

He is not only horrible at that type of stuff, but he's not interested in any of it.

Flowers? Please that shit turns to weeds faster than it took to grow them.

Cooking a romantic dinner? He can't cook anything that great, but if you want cereal, go for it.

Surprise trips? Hard to plan for trips with his unique situation between him and Mike.

However, this doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you.

He just shows it differently.

Mostly though quality time.

Mal makes sure that you know that he cares for you, but doesn't feel the need to say so excessively.

He mostly likes to spend time around you, even if not doing anything in particular.

And with him being introverted and isolating himself often, that is a huge compliment tbh.

On the other hand, he loves when you shower him with praise or any other words of affirmation.

No pet names though.

He absolutely hates them.

Which means that you love to use it to annoy him.

He knows what you're doing, but he falls for it everytime.

"Sweetie? Can you hand me that?"

"I hate you." Mal stated, handing you your phone.

"Ha! Yeah, okay." You laughed. "Totally believable."

#total drama #jayswritings #total drama headcanons #total drama x reader #total drama mal #total drama mike #td mal #td mike #td x reader

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vikingstoner69 · 1 year

Text

Fandom: The Witcher

Paring: geralt/reader

Side note: this is pure smut like this took me a while so hopefully it's good.

"So we finally get to sleep in a bed?" You ask geralt who only grunts at you as you enter the town. You send a glear his way this whole trip he has been nothing but a total ass to you. You follow him to the inn and you both sit at the table where you order and get a room for the night.

"You can wash first," he says, his voice low and rough. You take a swig of your drink and set the empty cup down.

"Oh! Now you wanna talk to me? You have been nothing but an ass ever since we left our last job" you snap, finally confronting him about the way he has been treating you. His eyes are cold and hard and you feel your heart speed up.

"Go" he growled between clenched teeth and you felt your temper flare. You bite your lip and stand up trying your very best not to punch him in the face.

"Ya know I think we have traveled together long enough geralt!" You snap slowly and storm off to the room to wash up and then you would leave in the morning.

Your heart gave a painful ping at the thought of leaving him but you couldn't stay. He had treated you terribly since your last job and now he was cold and mean. You sigh and go to the window seat and look up at the full moon as the door slams open. You watch him close the door and he starts to take off his armor. You sigh and look out the window you wanted to cry but knew it would do no good. There was an odd connection between you ever since you were kids and he became a witcher and you his witch. The one who traveled with him everywhere.

The thought of leaving him hurt you more than you cared to say. You didn't want to leave but he didn't really give you a reason to stay either. Ever since that kiss things have been different. You look over at Geralt as he stands in front of you.

"Stay," he says, his voice low and even. His eyes told a different story though. You look up at him and feel your heart ache but your face stays blank hiding your true feelings.

"Why should I?" You ask your tone even. Geralt's body is tense as he watches you.

"You're important to me" he says calmly and you feel your temper spike.

'I'm Important to you!? Ever since we kissed that night you have treated me like shit! If you regret it then fine! It never happened-" you yell but you're cut off and caught off guard when Geralt's hand is around your throat and your back hits the wall. His eyes were shining golden. His hold was gentle but strong enough that you knew that you were not going anywhere.

"I regret a lot of things but kissing you is not one of them" he growls his face extremely close to yours. You look into his eyes, your heart racing.

"Then why treat me this way?" You ask, your voice sounded weak to even your own ears. Geralt growls his hold leaving your throat. You both were extremely close that you were breathing the same air.

"I am no good at this (y/n), I'm a monster" he says, his voice low and gravelly. You bite your lip, your hands going to his arm.

"I'm not scared of you Geralt" you breathe his lips so close to yours. Geralt's hand goses into your hair.

"Maybe you should be" he growls his lips crashing on yours making you moan. His hold on you tightens when you bite his lip making him growl and his body pushes you harder into the wall. Geralt pulls back and you pant trying to catch your breath.

"I want you Geralt" you whisper against his lips and he groans. Geralt softly strokes your face; you could see his struggle to let go for once. His fingers slide to your parted lips and you suck his finger into your wet hot mouth and he moans making your insides turn to jelly.

"Fuck" he breathes as you tounge his finger then sucking on it harder you pull off with a pop never breaking eye contact.

"I have gotten myself off by thoughts of you more times than I can count. My favorite thoughts are when you're rough with me" you say as your hands trace his shoulders, your nails lightly running down his chest. You bite your lip and he snarls as he rips your clothes off before picking you up and throwing you on the bed.

"Don't move" he growls, removing his clothes and you lick your lips as he grabs his hard cock and starts to stroke himself and you feel more wetness pull between your legs.

"Geralt please don't tease" you whine as you watch his hard cock. He smirks as he eyes you hungrily and you bite your lip as your clit throbs.

"Let's see how good your mouth feels" he growls standing at the end of the bed and you smirk and roll to all fours and grawl over to him and when you get close enough you lick the tip.

"Your bigger than I thought" you smirk up at him before sucking the head in your mouth and you both moan. Inch by inch you take him down your throat. Geralt's hand goes in your hair and he groans as he holds your head still as he starts to fuck your throat.

"Look at me" he commands and you look up at him as he fucked your mouth and throat making you moan. Geralt snarls and his body stiffens as his hot cum shoots down your throat and you suck him hard getting every last drop and you pull off with a loud pop licking your lips.

"You taste so good" you smirk and he chuckles. Geralt's hand goes to your throat and he pulls you up and he kisses you hard and deep before pulling back.

"Be a good girl and show me what's mine" he growls and you shiver as your body heats up even more. Geralt lets you go and you lay on the bed on your back and you spread your legs for him and he groans.

"Fuck good girl" he growls and crawls on the bed now hovering over you. He leans down and kisses you deeply. You moan and kiss him back just as hard and deep. You moan and cling to him nipping his lip and he growls as he pinches your nipple making you cry out from the kiss and your back to arch. His hot mouth goses down your neck and he bites leaving a mark.

"Gearlt! More!" You beg your fingers tangled in his hair and he chuckles.

"You'll get what you want but first I want you to ride my face" he says nipping your ear lobe making you bite your lip. Gearlt flips you so you are now straddling him and you moan when your cunt rubs his cock. Geralt's hands go to your hips and he guides you to hover over his face and you whine when he holds you still and in place over him. You cry out when you feel his hot mouth on your cunt.

"Oh! Fuck Geralt!" You cry out grinding down on his face. He growls and sucks your clit hard, your hands falling to the head, bored and you grind down and he smacks your thigh and you cry out as he ate you like a man starved. Geralt growls and sucks hard making you scream out as you cum hard and he groans. He helps you to settle on the bed and leans over you before kissing you deeply making you moan as you taste yourself on his lips.

"Never tasted anything so good" he growls as you wrap your legs around his waist making you groan when his cock rubs your dripping wet cunt.

"Fuck me Geralt, fuck me hard I can take it" you beg leaning up nipping his jaw. Gearlt growls as he grinds into you and you moan and he chuckles.

"I quit like you under me while begging for my cock let's hear you beg a little more" he growls as he runs his cock through your drenched folds and onto your clit making you moan and your hips to thrust up.

"Please! Please don't tease me" you big thrusting up your hips and he growls his hold going to your hips and he holds you still his warm golden eyes drink in every inch of your face.

"I know you can do better than that" he smirks down at you and you groan. Your hands lightly run down his shoulders and his shivers and groans.

"Gearlt please fuck me, I want you to fill me full, make me yours!" you beg looking up at him he growls and leans down and kisses you deeply making you moan. He nips your lip and you let his tongue enter your mouth, your tongues battling.

"Look at me as I fuck you" he growls slowly entering you making you moan and your toes curl. You cling to him tightly as he bottoms out your nails leaving marks in his skin.

"Harder" you moan against his lips, your nails drags down his ass where your nails dig in making him go even deeper and harder and he growls before kissing you deep and hard. Geralt pulls away and flips you on all fours and he smacks your ass hard making you cry out and moan as he enters you again fucking you hard.

"Fuck that's it, push back on me, Fuck just like that!" He groans his head thrown back qnd his hand tangles in your hair and he pulls your head back bearing your neck.

"Oh fuck!" You scream out as he pounds hard and deep into you making the bed beat the wall but neither of you cared or planned on stopping. You felt his hot wet mouth on your neck as he leaves kisses and bites up to your ear, his pace slowing but the thrusts got deeper an you push back and he groans and bites your neck leaving a mark behind.

"Your mine, I'm the only one who gets to feel this sweet cunt on my cock" he growls thrusting hard making your toes curl and your body to tingle.

"Yes! I'm yours! Only yours geralt please!" You beg pushing back on his cock taking him deeper and he smacks your ass.

"Please what? You wanna cum on my cock?" He growls in your ear as he fucks you the sound of slaping skin and your moans is all that can be heard.

"Yes! Please let me cum for you" you beg and he groans his fingers rubbing your Clit making you push back and cry out you were so close.

"Cum for me so I can fill you full" he groans as you clench around him and you cum hard.

"GERALT!" You scream as you cum hard, your body shaking as you cum hard.

"Fuck thats it! Fuck good girl!" He growls as he emptied himself deep into you he pants above you as he kisses the mark on your neck before rolling onto his back and you look over at him.

"Damn" you pant your chest rising and falling and he pulls you to his side and you lay your head on his chest. His fingers lightly touch his teeth mark in your neck.

"Mine" he growled lowly his golden eyes shine in the dark and you look up at him an lean up and kiss under his jaw

"Yours"

#smut #requests are still open btw #reader #please request #reader smut #request #requests #the witcher #geralt x you #geralt/reader #geralt of rivera #geralt rivia smut #geralt of rivia #geralt of rivera smut #geralt of rivia x reader #gerralt smut #vikingsarmy

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mydearesthrry · 1 year

Text

SWEETENER, the zane lowe interview, part one ~ track 14, harry styles

pairings: ex1dbandmember!y/n x harry styles, fem!reader x harry styles

warnings: none, swearing

——

“So just immediately jumping in, Sweetener. How did you come up with that name and what does that song and this album mean to you, specifically?”

“Sweetener— I feel like I kinda wrote when I was in a complicated-ish time in my life? A lot of these songs I’d actually written right before the hiatus and a couple of months after, so I had written most if not all of these songs in the span of like, 11 months? And they surprisingly made it through the cut, most of them.” She explained, legs bent with her left foot tucked under her right thigh, right leg swinging over.

“Oh, wow. So this is like, a manifestation, kind of? Because I know there was-- unfortunately, a lot of internet backlash around that time, especially with all of your decisions to take a step back from the band just a couple of months before the hiatus was even announced. What was that like, by the way? Being the only girl in a stereotypic ‘boyband’ and then making that tough decision to step back? What was that like for you in all aspects, really?”

“Oh, good question!” She pauses, gnawing a bit on her lower lip as she tried to decide how to put her thoughts into words. “I think it was very isolating. Over anything else, it was an extremely… isolating feeling. Because even though the media’s comments were very harsh, I more so felt the disappointment and confusion and stuff like that from my close friends and family as well. I think that was the isolation? But there of course was the doubt that I hadn’t chosen correctly or had either abused my greed and selfishness and left because I was entitled? Which was honestly something that I fought with myself with a lot, and still kinda do to this day if I’m honest. But other than that, yeah man, just a fuck ton of isolating days and nights, lots of shit happened. But I also am very lucky to have had a really stable and understanding support system there, like, I constantly had H, and like, fuck, my best friend Nova. I don’t know if I would’ve gotten out of that if it wasn’t for them, yeah.”

Zane nods, letting her words ring through the air. The two both pause for a few beats, before a cheesy grin plasters itself on Zane’s face. “So, speaking of H, when diving into Sweetener, we find that there’s a really big bold statement in there, wouldn’t you say?”

“If you say what I think you’re about to say, I am going to strangle you.” The girl nodded along, sarcastic smile on her face.

“Harry Styles– the song. That’s a very bold statement, wouldn’t you say?” He cheeses, laughing softly at the girl who plants her forehead in her hand.

“I knew you were going to do it,” She sighs, genuine smile now gracing her features. “Mhm, there is in fact a song on Sweetener called Harry Styles.”

She looks to the right of where the main camera sat, Harry Styles literally sitting there with a bright grin on his face, chin resting in his palm as he sat on the grass. He scrunches her nose at her, winking, then laughs at the pink flush that coats her cheeks at his gesture.

“Hey! My interview, not his,” Zane laughs, catching the young couple’s moment. “Anyways, what was the writing process for that? I’d imagine it’d come together pretty quickly.” “God, umm- yeah! Soulmate– which is what we’ve been calling it since day one, has a lot of sentimental value for me. I wrote it in Italy and then produced it in… I think, New York? When we were in the process of producing it, I wanted it to sound how it felt writing it and the reason- reasons why I wrote it. Like, the sleepless nights and beach days, the more core memories from that trip I wanted to implement the feeling into the production. I think the strings really put it all together. For the writing process, however,” She pauses, taking a quick sip of water before clearing her throat, “The writing process was so fucking fun.” “Okay, so let me tell you how it started. Me and H had taken a quick little 4 day trip to Italy and stayed in our cottage and we went out one day and went to the beach and towards the end of the night, we were sat on a beach towel and I was humming the part at the end that’s kinda like– ‘Got me happy, happy, imma be happy, happy’ and I literally pulled out my phone and recorded me humming it on voice memos. The waves were in the background too. I wrote the rest of it in a little journal I got, basically like the ‘My whole life got me ready for you’ and then the rest came to me pretty naturally.

“But then, right after I thought I finished the song– writing it at least, I found this old poem that I wrote when me and H started exploring our relationship, so like right before we ended the Take Me Home Tour, and it said like– I think the universe has my back, because like an angel, you fell from the sky and into my lap, some cheesy shit, whatever. Before that tho, it went like… ‘Never felt a love so true, and baby I know that it’s you, and I always see my soulmate in all that you do’ but I didn’t really like it, so finding that poem was literally life-altering. And then I was like… what if I just– wrote a song about him and titled it Harry Styles? Like that’s some ballsy shit. And he is my soulmate, anyway. So I did it! And it’s one of my favorite tracks, by far.”

#Harry Styles #harry edward styles #harry styles fanfictions #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fluff #famous!reader x harry styles #harry x 1dbandmember!reader #harry styles fanfic #harry styles x reader #harry styles one shot #harry styles writing #harry styles au #harry styles blurb

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pxrxcxa · 2 years

Text

Opposite Ends

Chapter Eight - A Brief Moment Of Happiness

C1 | C2 | C3 | C4 | C5 | C6 | C7 | C9 | C10 | C11 | C12 | C13 pt 1 | C13 pt 2 |

Chapter Nine is out now, enjoy Sunflowers x 🌻

Pairing | Eddie x Female reader 18+. Steve x Robin x Female reader platonic friendship

Series summary | Dustins older sister got brought into the group during the events of Starcourt mall, 3 months on she's in her senior year and the kids are starting high school. After everything that went down she feels that she has to keep them safe at all costs, that includes keeping them way from the charismatic 'freak' Eddie Munson that runs a club based on their favourite game. They've both hated each other since freshman year -with good reason-, but when keeping distance between the kids and Eddie means putting herself in the firing line, boundaries get blurred, intentions get lost & the heart speaks louder than the brain.

The story is told from both Y/N & Eddies point of view.

What to expect | Slow burn enemies to lovers, Angst - with a happy ending (fix-it-fic if you will), fluff & smut (in the later chapters). 18+ to read this story.

Series Warnings | Mentions of abuse, drug use, 18+ smut content

Chapter word count | 10 K Word Count

Chapter warnings | Just a whole lot of fluff and a little bit of smut

As always, any & all comments/reblogs are most appreciated - Love, P. x 🌿

Authors Note | As always, if you've read the entire chapter then thank you for reading! I had to cut it off here otherwise we were going to end up with a 20 k word count chapter, that's why Eddie's POV is short - but I figured you deserve one nice chapter of happiness before I break mine & your hearts - I hope you enjoyed this sweet chapter cause 9 is where it all kicks off :( Love always P. x 🌻

Y/N | December 1985

I had very nearly decided to skip out on the last day of school before Christmas break, my bedroom was a disaster site as it reflected my frustrations of the morning. The bare hangers in my closet rattled lightly as I tore shirts off of them, my mom had nearly caught the scalloped edge of a winter coat as I sent it flying across the room when she had come to ask what I wanted for breakfast. I had even nearly landed myself in the emergency room as I tripped on a pile of jeans, catching myself on the corner of my desk with my hand before my head bashed into the sharp corner of it. That still hadn’t stopped me from trying on everything I owned. Twice.

The golden light from the quickly rising sun spilled through my window as I stared at myself in my bedroom mirror, enlightening the swirling dust particles around me. My current outfit was hanging too loosely on my frame, doing absolutely nothing to accentuate my slight curves. I sighed, my blood shot eyes reflecting my hangover. I originally thought it was humorous that I could out smoke almost everyone I knew, but it only took me three shots to get me drunk enough to lose all my inhibitions. It was less funny when I was curled around our toilet at two am this morning.

A light pink flushed my cheeks as the memories that had seared themselves into my brain permanently, flashed behind my eyelids. The blurry image of Eddie gently unwrapping my arms from around his neck as I begged him not to stop, his deep voice layered with lust as he refused me. Telling me that if we were going to sleep together, he would rather me be one hundred percent sober for it.

His words had paralysed me, echoing in my mind and keeping me silent through the entire ride as Eddie drove me home in his van, the scent of what had transpired between us moments before still lingering in the air. I couldn’t tell if he meant that he regretted that I was slightly intoxicated during it or the fact that what happened between us had occurred at all. Each soundless second of the drive becoming heavier with tension until I felt like my nerves would snap at the slightest pressure. I distracted myself by watching the frost-bitten bare trees flit past my window, their swaying branches sending dancing shadows through the windshield.

It didn’t last very long before I turned back to Eddie. His knuckles whitened as his hands tightened around the steering wheel when he felt my eyes on his face, suddenly becoming too focused on the road. I took advantage over his refusal to meet my gaze, studying the outline of his perfect side portfolio. His slightly parted lips were fuller than mine and he had that type of perfect straight nose with a cute upwards curl at the tip that had all the high school girls begging their parents to pay for a nose job. His voice cut through the stillness sharply, making me jump.

“Staring is considered rude y’know y/n.” I clasped my hands together in my lap, chewing on my bottom lip.

“Yeah.” I muttered unashamedly, staring at his lashes caressing his brows as he narrowed them.

“What’s wrong.” The van drifted into the opposite lane slightly as he turned to look at me quickly. I avoided his eyes, staring into the illuminated darkness from his headlights.

I recognised the street sign as we pulled off a main road, making my words flow easier since I figured we were close to my house, and I could escape soon if necessary. “Are you mad at me?” I asked after a slight pause.

He jolted in his seat slightly as dark eyes turned to stare at me incredulously. “What? Why would I be angry with you.” Guilt curled around my heart as I prepared myself for his answer.

“Because of what happened tonight… And everything else.” I dug my sharp nails into my palms at my side, forcing myself to breathe as Eddie considered my words. He slowed down as we turned onto my street, the dark outlines of my house in the distance growing closer.

“I mean, yeah there’s probably some stuff we should talk about. But tonight?” He creased his eyebrows together and flicked his tongue over his lips, letting the van come to a crawl as a nearby streetlight washed over us. “Y/n I thought you were angry with me. I didn’t want you to feel like I took advantage over you, I should have waited until a night where you hadn’t been engaging in underage drinking.” His eyes flashed back to me, wordlessly reprimanding me but I was hanging onto his every word.

“Is that why you said no when I-?” My heart throbbed as he cut me off.

“You deserve better than a quick fuck in some dirty carpark of a dive bar y/n.” His free hand clenched in his lap as he drove with one hand, tilting his head against the headrest, causing his curls to fall back to expose his neck.

“But I couldn’t resist you completely, I had been fantasising about doing that to you for weeks, months really. I’ve been trying to figure out what to say to you, how to apologise –“ I cut his words off as I placed my cold hand on his cheek, our skin burned together as the blush on his face grew hotter beneath my touch.

I waited until his van rolled to a stop at the bottom of my driveway, he quickly switched his lights off, so nosey parents weren’t alerted to our arrival. Darkness poured into our seats from all sides, shrouding us in a secure blanket of safety that nothing could penetrate. Eddie turned in his seat, so he was facing me completely, leaning into my hand as my fingers traced the soft skin over his cheekbone.

I moved my hand to tap his chin up lightly, forcing him to meet my gaze. “If I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t have let you. Believe me Eddie, sober or not, I wanted to.” The ferocity of my words sounded too loud in the small cabin of his van, but I needed him to hear the truth of my speech. He had relieved me from the growing angst when I assumed he was lamenting over running into me tonight, it was my turn to sooth his concerns.

I leaned forward across the space between us, moving my hand from his face to curl around the back of his neck, bringing him closer so I didn’t have to bend so far. His eager mouth met mine passionately, moulding against my lips. He reached up to cup my face firmly, his free hand resting on my bare thigh just below my skirt line as I sighed against him. He stilled instantly as the lingering scent of whiskey filled the air around us. He reached up to pull my hand away from him, intwining his fingers around mine as he placed it on the seat beside me.

“I think you should go inside y/n.” I rolled my eyes and slouched back against the rough fabric of the passenger chair, pulling my grasp from his and staring into the side mirror. I reached up to pat my hair down as I realised what a mess I was, my mascara had smudged under my eyes and my rose-tinted lip gloss was spread around the corners of my mouth.

“Always so dramatic.” He laughed quietly to himself. I turned to snap at him, but his closeness caught me off guard, his seatbelt strained against his chest as he leaned towards me, his lips lightly brushing against mine as he reached past me to unlock my door. Cool night air rushed into the van as it swirled my stray hairs around my face. I shivered as Eddie pulled back, unclicking my belt for me.

“Goodnight y/n.” He smiled cockily at me as I struggled to even my breathing, I slowly pulled my feet from the van, being careful to not dislodge any of the trash that littered the floor of my seat. I pulled my thin sweater around me tightly as I let the door close quietly, jogging around his van towards my front door. The frozen grass crunched and snapped beneath my shoes as I spun to turn back to Eddie, the sound of his creaking window reverberating into the silent night as he rolled it down.

He loudly whispered my name as he tossed something shiny in my direction, Steve’s keys jingled as they landed in my cupped hands. I internally groaned as I pictured his face when he woke up and realised both his car and I were missing. When I had initially tried to leave the bar, Eddie had reached out to grab the end of my sweater, trapping my wrist in his grasp as I flailed despondently against his strong grip. He had laughed and snatched Steve’s keys from my fingers, twirling them around in his own as I glowered at him.

“Friends don’t let friends drive drunk y/n.” Accepting defeat I had shoved past him, storming around to the passenger side of his van and slamming the door harder than needed, trying not to let it show on my face that I was more upset at Eddie calling me his friend rather than him stopping me from driving myself home.

I tucked them into my pocket as I looked back at his eyes, glinting brightly in the darkness. “I’ll see you at school?” My voice drifted into a higher pitch as my statement trailed off into a question. I didn’t get a response except for a wide, eye crinkling cheeky grin as Eddie’s van roared to life, the sound resonating off the rock wall at the bottom of our property. He raised his brows and jerked his chin towards my front door, a silent command passing between us. Warmth filled me as I realised he was waiting for me to make it inside safely, throwing him a sweet smile that I was sure he couldn’t see in the dim light, I turned and jogged up our angled driveway. I twisted back to watch the cloud of smoke puff from his exhaust as he chugged down my street, the sound of his favourite band drifting into the empty air. I couldn’t help the giddy smile that adorned my face as I pulled my own set of keys from my sweater, the soft sound of jangling metal echoed off the brick as I struggled to get the door unlocked. Even as I tip toed as lightly as I could through the entry way, my footsteps were still far too loud as my eyes adjusted to the outlines of familiar furniture in the pitch black.

My hand shot up to protect my eyes as the living room light flashed on, momentarily blinding me.

“Well well well.” I lowered my arm to glare at Dustin as he spun around in one of the recliners, the family cat purring on his lap as he stroked it, looking like a scene of some evil villain from a corny movie.

“Care to explain yourself y/n?” My own enchanted smile slid from my face as a knowing one spread across my brothers.

My bedroom door creaked as someone nudged it open, snapping me out of my thoughts. My eyes flashed up in the mirror to meet Dustin’s, he had his school bag slung up his shoulder and his walkie grasped in his hand. His annoyed expression was replaced with an amused one as he glanced around my room, taking in the view in front of him.

“Shut up.” I warned him as he opened his mouth, causing a taunting laugh to explode from him. I sighed and ripped one of my better jackets off, shrugging out of it and tossing it onto my bed, reaching for my regular thread-bare jean one. Dustin doubled over as his laughter wracked him, grabbing onto the door frame for support.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry.” He gulped between breaths, waving his hand to try to calm himself. As he eyes met mine, he lost it completely and bent over, his hands on his knees as his bag slid down his arm.

My entire effort was undoubtedly wasted, I had no idea where Eddie and I stood after last night, he probably wouldn’t even turn up for the last day before break. And just because we – he – after what happened between us didn’t mean things had completely changed, we didn’t talk about everything what we needed to, actually we hadn’t done a lot of talking at all. I wasn’t sure what I planned on doing if he wasn’t at school this morning. We did need to speak, I figured that I could go to his trailer after school, but the memory of what happened the last time I tired that, churned uncomfortably in my abdomen.

“What’s all this?” My mother’s sweet voice tinkled from the doorway as she stood next to Dustin, watching him wipe away his tears of amusement.

“Nothing.” I snapped, slamming my own bag down and shoving heavy textbooks into it. “Can I just get one damn moment of privacy? Is that too much to ask for in this house.” Tension filled the air at my cruel words, regret filling me the moment they left my mouth.

“Y/n.” She yelled, Dustin straightened up next to her as shock spread across his features, our mom never really got cranky with us, especially since dad left, but when she did, we knew we’d messed up. “Don’t you take that tone with me; I don’t know what’s been up with you the past few weeks, but you’ve been stroppy and moody and rude. It stops now.” She gestured her hand wildly around my bedroom, clicking her fingers at the piles of clothes on my floor.

“And it’s an absolute mess in here, you’re grounded until it’s clean.” The cat appeared in the doorway, slinking in between her legs and wrapping its tail around her, she bent down to pick it up, holding my gaze disappointingly.

Dustin quietly slunk away down the hall, undoubtedly to quickly shove his own mess out of sight to avoid a similar punishment. I relaxed my posture and turned to my mom, my face softening.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll clean it when I get home from school. Thank you for making us breakfast by the way.” I apologised, smiling at her face lighting up at my agreement to eat the food she had cooked. I heard Dustin groan from his room as she exclaimed happily, saying that she would serve up a plate for both of us before we left for school. He glowered at me as he passed my door, heading to the kitchen when our mom called out to us, I grimaced at him sarcastically, a sense of glee floating through me that I was able to get back at him slightly for laughing at me earlier.

It was my turn to laugh as he met me at my car to drive to school, pulling handfuls of what were supposed to homemade hashbrowns, from his pockets and chucking it into the rose bushes along our driveway.

“Shut up.” He grumbled, brushing off the crumbs from his hands as I pulled my door open. “You didn’t eat them either.” I chuckled and tossed my bag into the backseat, sliding into my car. I had just started to let it roll down the hill when I slammed on my breaks with a loud screech, sending Dustin to slam against the dashboard.

My wide, panic-stricken eyes met Steve Harringtons raging ones in the rear-view mirror as he stood behind my car, his arms crossed as he blocked our path, my overnight bag gently swaying over his shoulder. The bike he had evidently ridden to my house was casted aside carelessly, the back wheel still spinning manically. His expression darkened as his lips pressed into a thin, disappointed line, morphing into the specific ‘outraged mother’ look that only Steve could pull off.

“Shit.” I muttered, sliding the gearstick back into park.

I didn’t think I had ever felt so nervous in my entire life as I headed towards my first class, like there was a flock of butterflies trying to fly up my throat. I hadn’t even felt this nervous when I had to dance in front of my entire middle school at the talent show, I sent a silent prayer to the powers above that today wouldn’t finish in a similar embarrassing end.

Steve’s twenty minuet long lecture about ‘stealing his baby’ this morning hadn’t exactly helped to calm my nerves either, he only relented when I’d promised to cover his shifts at family video whenever he had a date for the next six months. A pretty easy offer on my part since I had little faith in Steve’s ability to pull chicks. He, on the other hand, had a different opinion regarding his prowess.

I let the heard of students push me towards the Calculus classroom door as they all rushed to get to their desks before the bell rung, none of us wanting to be subjected to another classic ‘Mr Mundy complaint special’. I faltered at the door to check my reflection in the window, making sure my makeup was still as perfect as it was when I applied it with careful hands hours ago. Rough shoulders shoved past me as we all squeezed in through the small doorframe.

A mixture of relief and disappointment flooded through me as my eyes flashed to the empty chair next to mine, a breath I didn’t realise I had been holding rushed past my lips as I swerved around tables to take a seat at my desk. It appeared that Eddie wasn’t the only one who had decided to ditch, I was the only one in the third row of the practically half empty class.

The low hum of tedious chatter died down as Mr Mundy strutted into the room, slamming his briefcase down on his desk and taking a deep drink from his travel mug. He cringed and shook his head slightly, breathing through his mouth as whatever he had added to his coffee hit him a little too hard.

He set it down carefully and replaced it with a stick of chalk, waving his hands as he turned towards the blackboard. “Don’t sit there like a bunch of morons, get your books out.”

With stiff movements I bent down under my chair to grab my notebook from my bag, my hair fell across my vision as someone shoved the door open loudly, sending a wave of fresh air across me. I froze as I recognised the scuffed, once white, reebok sneakers smacking against the dirty floor as he made his way past my desk.

“Ah, thank you for gracing us with your presence today, Mr Munson.” My cheeks flamed at the teachers’ words, still hunched over and hiding away in my hair.

“Pleasures all mine Mr Mundy, I’m sure.” I could hear the grin in his voice, I pressed my lips together to hide my own smile as I leant back up before I could draw attention to myself, slowly flipping my book to an empty page.

I could feel Eddie’s eyes on my face, but I refused to meet his stare. I felt like my stomach was in my throat, my heartbeat thundering in my ears as the memories and feelings of last night came flooding back, I wasn’t sure what was going to be reflecting on his face when I met his gaze, but I knew I wasn’t ready to find out. In the bleak coldness of the winter morning, free of alcohol and desire and heady smoke, Eddie very well may have changed his mind completely about me, deciding that he didn’t want damaged good after all.

Last night had only confirmed what I had been lying to myself about for weeks, I couldn’t deny that Eddie had a hold on me, and I had been a fool to think I could reject my feelings by ignoring him. He wasn’t the type of person anyone could forget, he shone far too brightly, demanding the attention of every room he walked into by just being himself. I was astounded how I had never noticed it before, how I only ever saw the label that lesser men had branded him with. Freak.

His dark eyes that crinkled with his wide grins made my heart sing, his infectious smiles never failing to place one of my own on my face. He made the world a better place by just existing, how anyone – myself included- had ever seen him as dangerous, or evil or weird, was beyond me. Not one damn person in the cesspit that was Hawkins, was perfect, but if anyone came close it was him. Down to his core, Eddie was good, pure. And that was a hell of a lot more than could be said for anyone else in this hypercritical town.

I wanted every part of him, everything he had to offer this miserable world. I wanted to know everything about him, all the secrets he kept safely hidden away from the judgement of Hawkins. In that moment I had wanted to reveal myself to him, overcome with the need to tear my façade away and bear the scars beneath the surface to him. Since Starcourt, no one had come close to making me feel as safe as Eddie had last night, and it wasn’t the touches shared between us or the sweet words he whispered into my ear. It was him; it was Eddie himself that kept the chilling voices and disturbing memories at bay. His warm embrace had cloaked me in a protective peace I couldn’t even really remember ever experiencing. He was the most intoxicating drug that I had come across, one hit of him was more potent than anything else I had smoked or drank. I was never going to be able to give him up.

Not by my choice at least.

My heart twisted painfully at the thought of his reaction to the real me, when he realises how corrupt and dark my festering soul remained, and how unworthy of him I was. The battle of wanting to be honest with him about who I was, and the selfish desire to keep him in the dark so he wouldn’t run screaming from me, waged viciously in the forefront of my mind.

A strong, veiny hand shot across my vision, the sunlight glinting off his rings prettily as he tore a piece of paper from the bottom of my blank page. I looked up curiously to meet his gaze, his eyes twinkled suspiciously as he stared back at me up through his long lashes, the scratching of his pencil competing with Mr Mundy’s as he scribbled something hastily on the paper.

A heated blush crept up my neck as he hooked his foot around the leg of my chair, pulling me towards him. I held my breath as he crossed the space between us, the band of my jeans snapping back into place as he slipped the note into the top of my waist. Eddie winked at me as I dropped my gaze in awkwardness, a light laugh bubbling in my chest. He cocked an eyebrow as I read his question, my smile widening as I hurriedly wrote my answer on the back of it, checking that no one was watching as I slid the paper across his desk, his fingers tickled mine as he swept it out from under my grasp, the slight touch sending a shock of heat up my arm to blossom throughout the rest of my frame.

The last time I met Eddie in the woods, the trees were covered in burnt oranges leaves that crinkled underfoot when they finally fell to the ground. But as I walked through them now down the beaten track towards the picnic table, the branches were bare. Eerily daunting as they rocked in the wind, the trees sharp arms turned into claws out of the corner of my sight, reaching out towards me to tear at my jumper as I rushed to escape their depths. My hyperventilating breath slowed as I neared the break in the tree line, spotting Eddie’s hulking shadow leaning across the table through the cluster of trees at the end of the path.

The tightness in my chest eased as I watched him, he was leaning back on both elbows with his face turned up to the dark sky, watching vividly as his clouds of cigarette smoke swirled in the air in lazy patterns. A sweet smile spread across his face as he turned towards my noisy entrance.

“Y/n.” He chucked away his smoke and squished it into the dirt with his shoe as he stood from the table, opening his arms as I jogged across the remaining space between us, throwing myself against his chest as he wrapped me in his jacket.

“Thought you’d never make it.” He grunted and stumbled a little under my weight, his face flickering with shock at my excitement to see him. We both paused for a moment as the memories of our last meeting in the same spot washed over us. I shook my head at how different our situation was compared to last time, grateful that last night had ripped away the façade that both of us were holding up.

“Mmmm.” I mumbled against his chest; my face smothered against the fabric as his earthy scent filled me. I didn’t bother to waste our precious time by telling him that Jason had cornered me after class, slamming his arm against my locker to block my path, demanding that I meet up with him again. After I got over my brief shock from his audacity – and the fear his psychotic gaze shot through me, I had told him that if he even as much as breathed in my direction, we would have a repeat of what happened at the 7/11, except this time I would hit him with my car. The safety of witnesses parading through the corridor made me braver than I would have been if he caught me alone, I tightened my arms around Eddie as the thought made my stomach flip anxiously.

Eddie laughed and pressed his face into my hair, inhaling deeply.

“I love your smell.” I scoffed and pulled back to look at him disbelievingly, he looked abashed like he hadn’t meant to say it out loud. I raised an eyebrow as his face reddened.

“Uh what?” I laughed, pulling back from his arms slightly to get a better look at him. A nervous chuckled slipped past his lips as he avoided my gaze.

“Your new perfume, I noticed it the first time you came over to my place.” He removed a hand from my side to rub the back of his neck. My mouth popped open lightly in surprise, astonished the Eddie had noticed my fragrance, and the fact that it was a different one.

“Anyway.” He continued when I didn’t respond, leaning back against the table and spreading his legs as he tugged me between them, pulling me closer until I lost my balance and fell against him. He pushed a stray hair away from my face and tucked it behind my ear as my hands settled on his upper thighs to regain my poise. His smile spread impossibly wider as my cheeks blushed from our closeness, becoming increasingly aware of how near my hands were to him. “I haven’t stopped thinking about you since last night.”

His words pierced through me like an arrow, burrowing into my heart. Pure joy flowed through me for a split second as his words made me feel like I was floating, but it was short lived as the way Eddie was looking at me made me come crashing back down to earth, a cold wave of realisation washing over me. I cared about him far too much to not allow him the option of walking away from this right now, from me.

The thought sent a lump in my throat making it hard for me to breathe. My hands shook slightly as I tried to form the words that Eddie needed to hear, I shoved them into my pockets to hide my panic. The thought of losing him was unbearable, but the knowledge of how much he would hate me if I let him fall into the perfectly shaped hole in my life (like it was ripped apart specifically for him to put back together), finding out who I actually was and what I was truly capable of only too late, was excruciating. Tears welled in my eyes as I prepared for the endearing look in his eyes to turn to one of disgust.

“Eddie-“ I was cut off as he stood up abruptly, switching our place as he shoved me back against the table, he trampled my toes lightly as he moved closer, but my groan of protest was stolen from me as his eyes blazed with fury.

“Don’t y/n.” His hair whipped around his face wildly as a cold breeze danced across the clearing, goosebumps raised on my arms beneath his large warm hands, his fingers digging into my skin as his dark eyes widened.

“Don’t what?” I breathed, a grey squirrel scattered up the trunk of a tree nearby, sending flakes of bark to flutter to the ground. We both jumped as the intrusive sound broke our eye contact.

“Don’t ruin this.” My eyes that had drifted to a small beauty mark near the corner of his mouth, snapped back to meet his as his words sent a shiver through me.

“Wha-“

“That’s your ‘I am about to deliver really bad news’ face.” My expression contorted at his crude impression of me.

“I do not sound like that.” I pressed my mouth into a thin line to show him I was not impressed.

Eddie laughed boomingly, throwing his head back as the sound reverberated off the trees. His voice twinkled like sweet music, and I couldn’t help but smile at his carefree attitude, marvelling at the glimpse of the real him slipping through the cracks, each second he was away from the arbitration of our school classmates, his carefully construed mask of defence crumbled away.

“Y/n, you always sound like that. But this is the happiest I can remember being, I just want to live in it a little longer, being around you… It’s like there was this screaming white noise swirling around in my head that I didn’t notice before, and every time I’m around you… It’s dead quiet, peaceful. Pretending to ignore you for the last few weeks has been torture, the noise has been deafening louder than ever before. But watching you act like I didn’t exist… ” His voice caught in his throat as he tilted his forehead against mine, his breath fanning my face as his chest heaved with his words. I squirmed as his crotch pushed against me, the fabric of our jeans rubbing together as he pressed deeper into me, I gasped in pain as the jagged edge of the picnic table stabbed into the backs of my thighs.

“I know we have a lot to figure out after the past couple of weeks, but just let me enjoy the quiet for a little bit, please y/n.” His eyes burned passionately as he brought his lips down to mine, effectively drowning any of sort of protest from me, even though I hadn’t had one. He was making this impossible, how could I deny giving Eddie what he was begging for when it was everything I wanted aswell?

I tried to form an argument that made sense to both of us, or even something sweet to whisper back to his admission, but his kiss sent my mind blank. The taste of his tongue as it slipped across my bottom lip made my knees shake. The precarious willpower I was holding onto collapsed in an instant, like it was made from dust.

“Okay.” I moaned against his face, reaching up to twist my fingers in his hair to hold him to me as he began to pull away. He grinned as my face fell into a pout, bumping his nose against mine to place one quick peck against my lips. His face was flushed with excitement as he watched a flock of birds fly overhead, their shadows spurring over us.

“Okay.” He mocked me, laughing as he stepped back from me completely. He held my hand and swung it between us as he thought about something hard, sticking his tongue out the corner of his mouth as I narrowed my eyes questioningly.

“Come to my place tonight.” He said suddenly, standing up straight as his tone turned serious, watching my expression carefully for my reaction. Nerves chocked me at the implication behind his words. Without the courage of alcohol urging me on, as it had last night, I was terrified. It wasn’t that I had changed my mind about it, or Eddie, I just wasn’t experienced and he clearly was. The fleeting moment of daring that overpowered me last night, was nowhere to be found now as I shivered uncontrollably in the cold, secluded clearing.

It didn’t matter anyway; I couldn’t risk getting caught sneaking to his place and being grounded until I was well into my fifties. I sighed as his face shone with earnest, his expression dropping into a mortified one as his misread my reaction.

“Oh -uh – we don’t have to, I just thought after last night that –“ His face reddened as he stuttered over his words, spinning away from me to kick a rock as he stuffed his hands into his pockets. I reached out to grab the tail of his vest, refusing to let him walk further away.

“No, it’s not that – I mean I did. I still do… Eddie… there’s a reason we had to ditch last class and not meet up after school.” I pointed out to him, amused that he hadn’t questioned it earlier. I figured he was so used to breaking school rules on a daily basis that he hadn’t even bothered to argue or ask why.

“I’m grounded.” I resigned, feeling stupid to even be saying those words at the ripe age of eighteen. I ducked my head as chagrin filled my face, listening to his teasing laugh echo off the surrounding trees.

“Bit of a bad girl are we y/n?” He smirked at me, reaching out to stroke my cheekbone with the back of his hand. The metal of his bulky rings was even colder than usual in the winter air, stinging against my skin as he dragged them back and forth.

“Something like that.” I muttered, refusing to meet his gaze.

“Wait.” His hand stilled against my face. “Did you get in trouble over last night? Because of me?”

I laughed at the panic stretching across his features, his brows narrowing as his mouth turned down in worry. “No Eddie, my mom loves you, she keeps asking Dustin when he’s going to bring you around again. ‘Such a nice boy, I’m glad he’s been looking after Dustykins at school. Too skinny though, he needs to let me feed him.’”

A wide grin slowly spread across his face at my poor imitation of my mom. Dustin had been dodging her requests awkwardly whenever I was in earshot, shooting me a concerned glance as he waited for me to blow up at the mention of Eddie’s name, after I stopped driving them to Hellfire, he was smart enough to have figured out something was wrong, but scared enough to keep his mouth shut and not ask me for details.

Our mom was obliviously in the dark about everything of course, so she didn’t notice the painful grimaces on my face and my quick escapes every time she discussed him. She had realised my black miserable moods over the past month, but just not the reason for them.

“Are you going invite me to dinner with your mother y/n? How very normal of you.” He laughed as I pinched him playfully, the image of him playing house with my family sending strange stirring through my frame, I couldn’t picture a more obscure scenario of Eddie, but the thought of him charming my mom and laughing with Dustin over a lovingly burnt meal, set a smile on my face.

“Maybe – if I wasn’t grounded.” I reminded him gently, his laughter died down as he examined me, I could practically hear his brain ticking away behind his stare as a mischievous expression filled his face.

“What?” I groaned, not trusting the look in his eyes.

“Nothing.” He pressed his lips together like he was hiding a secret, he pushed away from the table next to me, grabbing my hand to tug me along behind him. “C’mon, schools about to finish and you need to get home since you’re grounded.” He raised his eyebrows and smirked at me over his shoulder as he dragged me into the darkness of the forest, the trees whipping even wilder than before. My stomach did a little flip as his smile made me wary of what he was planning, not trusting him at all.

I knocked a small potted plant of the top of my dresser onto my soft carpet as I jumped in fright, dropping my folded pair of jeans into the open draw. I spun around as fear gripped me, peering into the darkness outside my window.

Ping

I watched the rock clatter against my windowsill before tumbling out of sight, my breath whooshed from me as my panic faded. The top of a familiar curly head of hair popped up briefly in the bottom corner of the window. Sighing in disbelief I slid the draw shut and crossed my empty floor, my now extremely clean room was completely devoid of any mess. As soon as I got home from school I set to tidying up, now it looked better than the day we first moved in.

I checked over my shoulder to make sure my door was properly closed before I wrenched the window up, the glass creaking slightly as it resisted against me. Cold air swarmed into the room as I leant over the edge.

“Eddie.” I whispered into the nothingness, golden light from my desk lamp poured out onto the grass below but I couldn’t see anyone. I had just begun to think I’d imagined it when something large moved in the shadows.

“Jesus.” I gasped as Eddies wide grin slid into view, his leather jacket banged against the wood panelling as he leant next to the window, rolling a smoke between his fingers.

“No, just me. Sorry.” He laughed, not sounding apologetic in the slightest.

“You scared me asshole.” I swallowed as my breathing slowed, my heart hammering away loudly in my chest.

“What are you doing here?” I leant forward on my elbows through the window as he stood up from where he was leaning to light his cigarette. The flame illuminated his face in an orange glow before we were purged back in darkness, the cherry of his smoke running hot as he took a drag.

“Well, you said you were grounded. I figured that meant you couldn’t leave your house. And this way, you’re not.” He shrugged his shoulders as he placed his hands above my window, leaning in towards me as his smoke billowed around my face. As he moved, his shirt rode up, exposing a pale strip of skin just above his belt. My breathing quickened as he waited for my response.

“You’re an idiot Eddie Munson.” I laughed, letting my eyes travel up his chest until I met his penetrating gaze, the ash at the tip of his cigarette dropped dangerously as he watched me. He inhaled deeply before pulling it from his mouth and extinguishing it in the dead grass beneath his feet, lifting his shoulders up and down as he shivered comically.

“You gonna move Henderson or am I going to freeze out here?” I stepped backed in shock as he gripped the sides of windowsill, his rings straining against the thin skin of his knuckles as he agilely pulled himself through it. I bit back a retort of surprise as he unfolded himself in front of me, impressed that he had managed to climb through the window so smoothly even being as he tall as he was.

His strong aura quickly filled my small room, no matter how far I stepped back I felt like I was too close to him. The intimacy of the situation hit me like a tonne of bricks, becoming acutely aware of how thin the material of my grey pyjama shorts and singlet were. I swore at myself for not wearing a cuter matching set, my old gym shorts were in better condition than the rags I chose to put on tonight. He barely spared me a quick glance as I crossed my arms over my chest, turning to examine my clean room, he looked at my half-made bed for a split second before turning back to me with a knowing grin.

“Expecting company, are you?” He raised an eyebrow cockily, running his hand across the chain bracelet around his wrist as he smirked at me.

“Yeah, my boyfriend’s going to be here in a minuet, so you better go.” I wasn’t sure what made me say it, but a feeling of shock zapped through us both as he met my gaze questioningly at my words.

“Who is he?” He joked threateningly, not quite concealing a tinge of hardness layering his tone.

Dustin strolled past my closed door at that moment, banging on it as he passed. “Thanks for using all the hot water dingus.” We held our breaths as his footsteps faded, his own door slamming shut a few seconds later. The tension dissipated as we both let out nervous gulps of laughter. I tip toed to my bedroom door to lock it, rattling it just to make sure.

“We better be quiet, don’t want little Henderson knowing I’m in here. Kid might have a heart attack, aren’t you supposed to hate me or something?” I could hear his barely concealed laugh as I rolled up a towel and shoved it against the gap under the door, hoping it might work as a sound barrier.

“Actually…” I drawled, slowly rising to face him, embarrassment showing on my face. “We’re already kinda busted.” Eddie crossed his arms across his Hellfire shirt, raising his eyebrows curiously as he scoffed, waiting for me to continue.

“He saw you drop me home last night, so I had to tell him.” His eyes flashed up to mine shocked, opening his mouth in protest before I cut him off, knowing what he was about to ask.

“Ew no, you think I’d tell my brother about my sex life?” I whispered harshly, watching his exclamation bubble to his lips.

“What did you tell him then?” He whispered back fiercely, as the sound of my mom putting away dishes in the kitchen drifted through the walls.

“I just said that we’d had a misunderstanding, but that we’d figured it out.”

“What did he say to that?” His brows lowered as he relaxed slightly.

“Nothing important, he’s just happy that he can bore me with DnD stories again.” I rolled my eyes, but Eddie didn’t see, he had started pacing back and forth across my room. I busied myself by tossing the rest of my pillows onto my bed, pulling the covers back and switching on my heated blanket.

“Feels weird being in here without you yelling at me.” He muttered after a moment; his voice was a gentle whisper as I heard him slide my window shut. When I spun around to face him, he had turned away from me, drumming his fingers against my wooden side table as he traced the outlines of the water stains forming odd patterns on the top.

“Yeah well, I don’t mind you being in here this time.” I beamed as I watched the corner of his cheek lift, like he was hiding his own smile.

“You don’t mind?” He walked over to my desk and leant against it, placing his hands on either side of him against the tabletop. I groaned as I tried to usher him back off of it, as the edge of his jacket knocked my carefully stacked notebooks. Eddie laughed and stayed rooted to the spot, so I had to lean across him to fix them back into place, reaching out to trap my wrist in his hand as I pulled away from him.

“Is it okay that I’m here y/n?” I stopped breathing as his touch sent flames up my arm, his eyes blackened as I moved closer to him unconsciously, the rich smell of cigarettes and cologne invading my senses. Goosebumps prickled on my skin as his eyes darted across my bare chest, the lacy fringe of my shirt siting just below my cleavage line. I watched Eddie’s Adams apple roll up and down as he gulped nervously, his breathing coming quicker as I lifted my hand to caress his lips, his hot gasp tickling my skin.

I nodded slightly, pressing my lips together as cold droplets of water rolled off the ends of my freshly washed hair and down my back, the sensation sending a shive up my spine.

“It’s okay.” I sighed, he stood up straight and shrugged out of his jacket, draping it lightly over my desk chair. He pushed my wet hair away from my face as he studied me, I caught his hand as it brushed across my cheek, lacing my fingers through his as I turned and towed him towards my bed. Eddie waited as I crawled across the covers, my tiny shorts riding up dangerously as I shuffled on my hands and knees until I was pressed against the wall, making room for him to lay down with me. My confidence faltered as I turned back to see him resisting a smile, his crossed arms covering his mouth slightly as his eyes met mine. The laughter left his eyes as he watched my face fall, reaching down to pull the covers over me and tuck them around my body.

“Beautiful y/n, do you want to go to sleep?” He asked me, as he wiped his palms against his jeans, his shadow on the wall behind us moved with him as my bedroom lamp glowed softly. I bit down on my warm lip as I shook my head, unable to tell him what I really wanted. I patted the empty space beside me and shuffled back, Eddie didn’t hesitate to kick off his sneakers as he laid down next to me gently, trapping me under the covers as he lounged on top of them.

I huffed and pouted as he repositioned himself until he got comfortable, brushing his curls away that fell into my face. I didn’t know how to – as Steve would say – make a move, he tilted his head down towards me as he heard me sigh in frustration, wrapping his arm around me and pulling my head onto his chest.

Okay, this wasn’t a bad start. After a moment of silence filled the air between us, our synchronised breathing the only noise, his body vibrated as he started to hum a tune I wasn’t familiar with. Nerves suffocated me as I pictured myself reaching up to pull his mouth down to mine, I didn’t understand why I was so nervous, I’d kissed Eddie enough times by now to know how his lips would feel.

In the cold night air swirling around us, it just felt a little too real as we laid in my bed, scary.

Electricity zinged in the space between us as I pushed away all my thoughts and fears and prepared myself, telling myself not to be a coward. But as I looked up at Eddies face, I found his eyes already trained on me, and my hand that was resting on his chest, feeling his beating heart, bunched up the fabric of his shirt as his stare sent an overwhelming feeling of want through me.

“Eddie…” I whispered between us; his heart hammering away faster beneath my palm. “Please-“ My pleas were cut off as Eddie crushed his lips to mine.

Eddie | December 1985

This had to be about her. But it was torturous as she squirmed beneath me, I pressed myself further into her as she gasped against my mouth, the thin fabric of our clothes and flimsy sheets barely separating our searing bodies. She’d told me she was a virgin last night after I’d pulled my mouth from her, I didn’t think she’d remembered telling me but as soon as she let it slip, I’d knew I wasn’t going to be able to let her first time be in some dingy carpark in front of a bar.

Y/n deserved better.

I wasn’t, however, strong enough to stay away from her for more than twenty-four hours. The pounding white noise in the back of my head sent me running straight back into her clutches. Even after she’d told me about being grounded, my mind had worked overtime to figure out how to get her alone. Running the risk of her mom or worse – Dustin – catching us, was worth it in my eyes. The box of condoms I had picked up on the way to her house, burned in my back pocket.

She moaned against my mouth as she allowed my further access into her, running my tongue along her sweet lips, the taste of her sending me into an almost frenzy. Y/n reached up to wrap her hands in my hair, sparks of pleasure shooting through me as she tugged on it lightly. I brought my knees up slightly to bare my weight so I wasn’t crushing her beneath me, leaning down on my elbow beside her head so I could use my free had to explore her body.

My fingers traced the soft lines of her chest, dancing across the light fabric that covered her breasts, she shuddered beneath my touch making my dick twitch beneath my jeans. She moaned quietly as she felt me move above her, rolling her hips up to meet mine. I reached up to grab her headboard to steady myself, reminding myself to be gentle and slow with her. Y/n breathed my name as my mouth moved against her neck, leaving soft kisses as I trailed across her jaw. Pulling her hand from my hair to grasp my shoulder, she wrapped her legs around my waist, digging her heel into my lower back to pull me in deeper to her, I groaned in frustration as she melted against me.

God she was making it impossible to hold back.

Before I became undone completely, I sat back on my heels to devour the perfect view in front of me. Her mouth fell into an attractive pout as she groped the empty air between us, murmuring for me to come back to her. My ravenous eyes consumed the milky soft white skin of her lower abdomen to where her shirt had been pushed up. Soaking up every second of it, I brought my hands to her sides to pull it up over her chest, she leant forward from the pillows a little to help as I slid it over her head. She collapsed back against the bed as she reached up to cross her arms over her bare chest, chewing on her lips nervously. I wrapped my hands around her wrists to pull them to her side, leaning forward to press a kiss to her soft lips.

“You’re so beautiful y/n.” An incredible blush filled her cheeks as she relaxed beneath me, spreading her legs so I fit against her comfortably. My hard-on was screaming in pressure as it struggled against my jeans, but I needed to make y/n ready first.

A pretty smile played on her lips as I left wet kisses along her neck, my nose brushing against her skin as I trailed down her chest, taking her nipple into my mouth and sucking slightly until I felt it harden beneath my tongue, swiftly moving my head to her other one. I still had her hands pinned beneath my grasp; she moaned a little too loudly as she struggled against me. I let go of her to slip my hand against her mouth, laughing into her stomach as I realised she was definitely a screamer.

A devilish smile spread across my face as I thought about where I could take her to explore that particular trait.

She nodded against my hand as someone’s snores down the hall faltered, showing me that she understood.

I removed my hand to caress the soft inner skin of her thighs, squeezing them as I got closer to her sensitive spot. She gasped as my fingers brushed past her clothed slit, my eyes burned as they flashed up to meet her flushed face, intrigued by the noises my touches were eliciting from her delicious mouth. I spurred forward to kiss away the moan from her lips.

She bent her knees, widening her legs as I settled in closer to her, pressing my hardened cock against her. Another quiet gasp slipped past her lips as her eyes broadened. The pressure beneath my jeans causing her eyes to go wide.

“It’s okay y/n, I’ll go slow. I’ll be gentle. I promise.” I waited for her to nod before bringing my mouth back to hers.

My purposeful fingers trailed down her abdomen, tracing her bare skin above the band of her shorts. My hand hesitated as it skimmed across tender skin, I tugged down on her pyjamas to expose a long, red jagged scar that wrapped along her side, she froze beneath my touch as our gazes met.

“Who did this?” I demanded, my rough voice breaking through the quiet. Tears welled in her eyes and I wrenched forward to kiss them away, not knowing the cause behind her pain but wishing I could take it on myself. A silent sob wracked her chest as she shook her head, wrapping her arms around my neck to crush our lips together. I groaned as I surrendered to her touch.

It was different this time, the distant childhood friend that I had lost my own virginity to, the blonde bartender from The Hideout that had been the extent of my sexual experience- neither of them could compare. Y/n meant something to me, even though the feeling of her beneath my body sent dangerous thoughts into my mind of all kinds of dirty things I wanted to do to her, above all I just wanted to rip her up into my arms and shield her from the the pain of the world, protecting her from anything that would dare lay it’s hand on something so precious.

I tightened my arms around her until it felt like she would snap under the pressure, but y/n didn’t complain, she sighed in content as our lips moved flawlessly together

As I gripped her hips to slow down her grinding up against me, she groaned with frustration, her impatience breaking through. I lent forward, bumping against her to rip my shirt over my head, I moaned as she knotted her fingers through my curls, pulling my chest down against her naked one, our hot skin molding together perfectly. My hips bucked down into her with each pleasure shock her mouth sent through me.

I removed my lips from hers to trace kisses down her sternum, pausing as I reached the top of her shorts.

Her heavy breathing stopped as she looked down to meet my eyes staring back at her, she splayed her hands across her stomach self-consciously. I pried her hands away and pinned them at her sides. I intertwined our fingers together, my thick rings pressed against her hands. My free hand slowly rubbed up and down her slit beneath her clothes, finding her sensitive spot and rubbing soft circles on it, feeling her heat burn under my touch. She moaned and rolled her head back, squeezing her eyes shut as my pace increased.

I stopped abruptly as my own abdomen clenched, just the mere sight of her writhing beneath my hands was enough to send me over the edge. I tapped the side of her ass to get her to lift up slightly, shimming down her shorts until they reached her ankles. I pulled them from her and tossed them aside, running my hands along her soft skin as I noticed the damp patch in her panties. She reached up to run her fingers over my chest, tracing the line of hair that ran down my stomach. Her hands fell to my belt buckle as our eyes met.

I flattened myself against her, cupping her cheek as her mouth moved with mine, my free hand skilfully freeing a condom from the packet and bringing it between us, I broke apart from her for a second to tear it open with my teeth, crushing my mouth back to hers in an instant. I fidgeted a bit as I hastened to undo my belt, pulling my jeans down slightly. She gasped as my cock fell out against her stomach, my pre cum dripping against her skin. Her eyes flashed down between us before looking back up at me, a mixture of nervousness and excitement on her face.

She bit her bottom lip between her teeth as I rolled the condom over my cock, nervously waiting for what came next. I hovered above her for a still moment, our beaths mingling. Leaning down on one arm, my hand still cupping her cheek, I pulled her panties to the side as I pressed my dick against her entrance, running it up and down her opening, collecting the wetness my fingers had created.

I gasped and she writhed madly as the new sensation took over us, y/n's arms tightened around me as she hid her face in my chest. I clutched her sheets next to her head, twisting and pulling them until they came off the mattress as her warmth and wetness surrounded me, trying not to explode. I had never felt something more heavenly; the feeling of y/n was other worldly. Sinful. Illegal.

She gasped loudly as I pushed my first few inches in, stopping for a moment as her walls expanded, making room for me. I moaned against her neck as I felt her wetness dripping around me.

“Fuck y/n, all for me?” Her breath shuddered and her nails dug into my skin.

“Eddie…” She moaned; I nearly fell to pieces at the sound of my name on her lips.

I continued to push into her slowly like that for a few minutes until I bottomed out in her, both of us groaning in pleasure as I filled her up. I hesitated for a moment to press a shaky kiss to her lips, letting myself come back from the edge a little before I started pumping in and out of her. She grabbed onto my shoulders to steady herself, her nails leaving deep marks on my sensitive skin.

“Are you okay?” I groaned, biting down on my fist as she gasped, trying to not to finish as the sensations overwhelmed me.

She looked so fucking sexy as she creased her eyebrows and caught her bottom lip between her teeth, looking down at our bodies connecting as each movement made us both moan in pleasure. Her eyes flicked back up to mine as she nodded.

As my pleasure threatened to spill over, I slipped my hand back to her clit and started rubbing soft circles there, hurtling her towards the edge as well, building faster with each thrust I pushed into her. I couldn’t hold back the ecstatic feelings pulsing through me, she was too irresistible, but I was nothing if not a gentleman and she was going to finish first. She wrapped her legs around my waist as her body convulsed, my hand keeping up a constant pace as she faltered against me, gasping as I pushed deeper into her.

She buried her face in the crook of my neck, moaning as the peak of her pleasure rolled through her body in waves. I held her tightly as I continued to thrust into her more for a few more moments, bright light blinding me as the most incredible feeling flooded through me. Low groans fell from my mouth as I shuddered and collapsed against her chest. We stayed locked in each other’s embrace for a private moment, our breathing and heartbeats slowing down together. Silence settled around us comfortably before I rolled off of her to the side, I quickly stuffed the condom into the bin next to her side table – reminding myself to get up and empty it for her in the morning – before pulling her head down onto my chest and wrapping my arms around her.

As I sensed her breathing even and felt her soft snores against my cheek, I lifted her sleepy form against my chest, her soft naked torso pressing into me gloriously as I slid my Hellfire t-shirt over her head. Her now dry locks of silky hair framed her sweet face, swaying slightly as her soft breath fanned across her pillow. Just in case Little Henderson busted into her room while we were sleeping, I stood to pull my jeans on to save him the scarring images of seeing me naked, her hand snaked out across the sheets as she felt me leave the mattress.

“Eddie?” She mumbled, squinting into the darkness.

“Right here baby.” She smiled at my pet name, finding my hand and wrapping her fingers around it.

“Stay?” She begged. My heart swelled to twice its normal size and then broke, unable to handle the weight of affection that rushed through me.

“Always.” I whispered back, pressing my lips to her cheek.

Chapter Nine

➢ Eddie Tag list }

@dotslabyrinth @chanaaaannel @lem0nb0iii @xcarabear @projectcampbell @munchabunch @grungegrrrl @sammararaven @ches-86 @alinepichi @halbhohehalluzination @kalalikalas @thetrashqueen23 @bruh-tato-chap

I hope you enjoyed the eighth chapter! If you would like to be added to my Eddie tag list, let me know! :)

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waitmyturtles · 8 months

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Turtles Finds a Coping Mechanism: The Until We Meet Again Rewatches

I've been so committed to crushing through the Old GMMTV Challenge that I kind of didn't allow myself to think that life's blips and bloops would shake me from my pace.

Well, real life has SLAYED ME as of late, SLAYED ME, and as @lurkingshan has noted to me -- yes, there's a CERTAIN amount of dissonance for my watching UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN, OF ALL SHOWS, as a coping mechanism, but here we are. I wanted to copy @bengiyo and rewatch UWMA anyway as a means of preparing for New Siwaj's Absolute Zero, which will be premiering at the end of September -- a time when my life will be calm-ish (???) again -- so I decided to take the plunge to see if UWMA would be a salve to my frayed nerves. It is, it totally is.

So here's some stream of consciousness notes, quite unlike my usual comparative/analytical style, just to honor what a ridiculously fabulous show UWMA is. (In my OGMMTVC analyses, I don't always get to gush over the cute stuff anyway because my posts get so long, so I'm doing a little of that here, too, ha.)

I knew that as soon as I watched it the first time for the OGMMTVC that I desperately wanted to rewatch it, so I just gave myself the go-ahead to eat the leum kleun candy. I've already completed one rewatch and am well into a second rewatch -- this show is so damn good, and now that I know the beats much better, I'm just having a lot of fun seeing in-depth the little nuances I missed the first time.

1) On my first watch, I did not appreciate how clearly Pharm was into Dean from the very start. The way Pharm flips through the photos of Dean that Team sends him from the first beach trip; the photo of Dean eating Del's breakfast; the way Pharm looks at the Facebook photo of Dean holding up the leum kleun. And how Pharm reacts when he saves Dean's phone number in his phone -- that ENORMOUS grin. I knew a lot going in the first time about Pharm's blushing maiden approach and how he was gunshy with intimacy for so much of the show. But I forgot in those early episodes -- homeboy was really into his crush! Taking that secret photo in the library, etc. He acknowledged it pretty immediately -- especially in that whispered conversation Pharm has with Team and Manaow in their English class. I had also forgotten that the show began with Pharm possibly questioning his sexuality, but being solidly knowledgable that it was Dean that was causing him to catch feelings.

2) Speaking of that fleeting moment in the library: after having watched the entire series the first time around, and remembering that Dean had saved that very first Post-It that Pharm had used to write a quick note on the papers that Pharm gave back to Dean in the library in... episode 2? Pharm had originally erased his name on that Post-It. It didn't click with me until this rewatch that Dean was able to make out Pharm's erased name from that Post-It -- which caused Dean to save the note, and use it as reference in the very last scene of the series. So cute.

3) I finally took the time to read about Phra Aphai Mani, the prince of the legend that Dean and Pharm talk about in the aquarium. Remember how Pharm says to Dean that Pharm doesn't like players?

DUDES. HAVE YOU READ ABOUT PHRA APHAI MANI? I guess, like, yes, if you're gonna have a super-long epic poem, a lot of shit needs to happen, but Aphai just kept marrying WIFE AFTER WIFE! FOUR WIVES TOTAL! One ogress, one mermaid, and two maybe humans? A half-ogress son here, a half-mer/son THERE, prince of THIS, king of THAT. Homeboy's life was COMPLICATED! I'm all EXTREMELY SYMPATHETIC to chaos, but this takes the damn cake. (And maybe gives me a touch more context into what's happening with that second marriage in I Feel You Linger In the Air, without the actual monsters/mermaids.) (Oh man -- imagine the Only Friends version of Phra Aphai Mani.) (NO.)

4) The first time around, I kind of though that the bits about Alex hitting on Pharm were a little extraneous and maybe a touch unnecessary, à la New Siwaj's style. But after my first rewatch, I stopped thinking so, and I actually began to enjoy them -- not only for how ridiculous they are, but I also recognized that that was the first time in the show that we see Pharm establishing boundaries. Of course, we see Pharm in his blushing maiden era forming boundaries with his P'Deeeean. But the way he's very clear with Alex, putting up as many walls as necessarily, and being exact in his communication that he likes someone else and is VERY not into dating Alex -- Pharm showed clarity and strength there. While Dean clearly liked to care for Pharm and treat Pharm as his younger companion -- Pharm also had agency, and knew he owned his agency, and I liked how that agency was first demonstrated vis à vis Alex.

5) I totally forgot about this, but -- I think it was the second time they had breakfast together in Pharm's condo? the third? that scene where Pharm's wearing the yellow shirt and he drops the bowl -- remember when Pharm asks Dean if he's mixed-race? I don't think I still understand the meaning of that. I'm guessing Pharm is asking if Dean is Thai-Chinese? I want to think on this more, because -- in episode 16, when Pharm goes to his uncle's/grandpa's house, it is clear that the house is a Thai-Chinese household. There are banners with Chinese script on the walls. I wonder if that was meant to indicate that Pharm was under the impression that he himself (Pharm) was fully ethnic Thai -- but with his relationship to his dad's side of the family being more revealed, it would turn out that Pharm himself was also "mixed." I did think it was cute that Pharm said, "I like it" to Dean after Dean's answer -- another instance where Pharm was being clearly flirty, despite the whole blushing maiden thing.

6) I did not appreciate the first time around, how good Ohm Thitiwat's acting was in the car scene when he's processing Korn's suicide. At the end of the series, I was so taken by the condo scene that I failed to give props to other intense moments, and that car scene was one of them. When Dean arrives at the building where Pharm and Sin lived next to each other -- a part of me wondered if he had originally intended to visit Sin, before hesitating to knock on Pharm's door. I'm not sure, and I wasn't sure after this rewatch. But that was a hell of a recognition moment on the part of Ohm's acting, and it was really damn good. (In fact -- it was my thinking about that car scene, and my wanting to watch it again, that prompted these rewatches in the first place.)

7) It may have been a little confusing, but: I really liked that the Korn x Intouch flashbacks were never presented in chronological order. I liked that the show had Dean and Pharm piece together their dreams and nightmares to come to a collective understanding about the trajectory of Korn and Intouch's relationship, even before Dean receives the background information from Sin. I know I was always a little confused during my first watch as to what moment in time I was watching with Korn and Intouch, but I recognize now that that was a reflection simply of when Pharm and Dean were receiving the same information themselves -- and I liked that the viewer was going through the same process that Dean and Pharm were going through.

8) At the way beginning of the series -- episode 2, maybe? episode 3? -- I like that Dean slyly figures out where to park himself on campus to see Pharm coming out of class. This is before the electric transformer explosion. Dean already was so swayed by Pharm. So cute.

9) I think it first struck me as a touch weird that Manaow and Del (Dean's sister!) were the admins of the DeanPharm chat group. But now that I can think more about it -- I wonder if they were doing that maybe as a way to help Pharm through his hesitancy and protect him from the fans. That being said: one of my absolute favorite moments was when Del first leans about Dean's first sleepover at Pharm's condo -- the way she jumps up and down and tries to calm her smile down. I was CRAAACKING up.

10) Maybe it's because I'm Indian, and used to very large and complicated families, that the relationship between Dean being a part of Intouch's family and having Korn's spirit, and vice versa with Pharm, wasn't confusing to me. But what really got me during my first rewatch was: Fluke Natouch's just INCREDIBLE acting when Pharm first meets Intouch's sister/Dean's grandmother, and Intouch's niece/Dean's mother. When I first watched the scene of Pharm meeting Dean's grandmother, a number of friends commented on loving that scene as well. GOD. It struck me as hard the second time around as the first time. And I think I was even MORE moved the second time around to see Pharm meeting Dean's mother.

Dean's mother had to process a LOT in the moment that she met Pharm. She had to process that her son had a boyfriend, that that boyfriend was there in her house in the first place, and that she'd have to tell her husband (Dean's dad) that their son's boyfriend was sleeping over. AND, that was all BEFORE Pharm had his reaction to Dean's mom once he was finally awake and processing things again. And THEN, she knew that Dean HIMSELF would have to tell his dad the next day and ask for his blessing. Moms have to go through a lot (do I ever know that life), but that was a LOT for Dean's mom, and god, I just gained a new appreciation for those scenes and how Dean and Pharm managed the whole damn thing together. (Also, now that I've seen The Love of Siam, as well as, of course, KinnPorsche -- and, OH, Be My Favorite, too! Kob Songsit. LEGENDARY BL DAD!)

11) My initial flip-out on the condo scene still stands. During my rewatch, I rewound it, like... three times? Fuck, man. One of the BEST BL scenes, ever, ever.

12) I loved taking my time to watch the very final scene, when Dean and Pharm have had the same dream of Korn and Intouch thanking them, and they get back together. I really loved paying attention to how all the Post-Its came back, the meaning of Never Forget, all the little notes and memories of when they had first met. Intouch's ring, the very first note Pharm wrote to Dean, all of it. Dean was such a sentimental simp from the start.

(Because I'm on such a DeanPharm kick -- and I know this is against better advice, but -- I'm considering a fast watch of Between Us just to see DeanPharm's conclusion. I know! The side couples are supposed to be chaotic, but, but. Once I get more time.)

13) Last note. Again, when I have time again, I'm wanting to write a Big Meta on separation. I've noted in some of the most important GMMTV BLs, that separation is often a key theme. But I think Pharm asking for a break was also incredibly key, and keyed into his continued commitment to setting boundaries. I think I probably fell most for Pharm as a character with him doing this -- strange, I know, since I love DeanPharm incessantly, but his standing up for clarity for his feelings meant so much for the internal strength he had gained by surviving the ordeal they had gone through. He was going to stick to his guns to make sure the relationship was authentic FOR HIM, and he did just that.

GOD, THIS WAS CATHARTIC! If you read this, thanks for going through this with me! I'm addicted to writing and this was a fun break in the midst of life chaos. I promise the OGMMTVC will hopefully continue without interruption, but that being said -- I'm watching Not Me, slowly, and having a great time with it. But UWMA is my woobie at the moment, and I just love having fallen in love with this show.

#until we meet again #uwma #until we meet again meta #uwma meta #uwma rewatch #deanpharm #fluke natouch #ohm thitiwat #new siwaj

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badgallly · 3 months

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The Chosen One Part 6

Hello my loves, how are you? It took me a while to post part 6 but here it is finally. Hope you like it ! Sorry for the mistakes, English is not my first language. stay safe and enjoy! xoxo <3 Note: I put Neymar and Messi as if they were still at PSG ;)

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5

7:00 AM

I finish closing my suitcase, phew… I had to put a lot of clothes in there, I went Blair Waldorf and put my best clothes in my suitcase, I know it's excessive for 3 days but after all I've never been to New York before, and it's not every day you go to New York, much less go to NY with Kylian Mbappé, right?

Kylian… after everything that happened yesterday I couldn't help but forgive him, he seemed sincere with his words:

Flashback:

_My intention was never to scare you. I know I was stupid earlier and I've already apologized, despite knowing you for 2 days I think you're a strong and warrior woman. I know I'm being repetitive, but it was because I regretted it before. But I want you to accept my apology, please. I don't want to fight with you tomorrow about the trip Y/n, you are a very delicate flower and I hurt you, I'm sorry?

'Very delicate flower' he said…I catch myself smiling remembering those words, no one has ever praised me with such sincerity. Kylian continues to be an unknown to me, after all, was he the calm or the storm?

In the midst of my thoughts I feel a hand on my shoulder and a voice that I immediately recognized:

_ y/n?? All good ? I get a little scared and see Kylian standing in front of me analyzing my expressions. _ What a scare Kylian, I'm fine. _ is ready? I nodded. So let's go down I have a meeting today I can't be late. _ I agree and pull my suitcase and follow Kylian down the stairs.

Time break

We arrive at the heliport and I see a luxurious jet in the distance, Kylian suddenly takes my hand and smiles which makes my heart speed up a little, I smile back and he guides me to the luxurious jet.

I go in and I'm impressed, I've never been to one before. I've been with millionaire men but none of them introduced me to their luxurious lives and their daily lives. I'm at the door, paralyzed and open-mouthed at the same time, analyzing every detail of refinement and great taste. I feel Kylian's hand going down to my waist and approaching my ear: _Did you like it? I feel goosebumps running through my body at the sudden action: _Yes, it is very beautiful and elegant! I say smiling and looking at Kylian who smiles slightly.

Time Break 3:00 PM

The trip was great and peaceful. It was an 8 hour journey, but everything went well. In the first few hours Kylian and I talked a little, then we ended up sleeping for the rest of the trip.

Right now I'm in the hotel room taking my different clothes out of the suitcase (yes, I exaggerated a little), Kylian appears at the door on the phone:

_Yes, confirmed! At night I will be present and I want a table next to me, as I will be accompanied by a lady. Until later! –y/n I'm going to an important meeting now, but first I want you to get ready and ready at 7:00 pm, remember that team party I told you about? — I nod. Yes, I remember. —So, be ready, okay? Until later! I sign again

Until! Oh my God, I only have 4 hours to get ready? So I have to start soon. I'm going to start doing my nails, I have a lot of work ahead of me…

19:00 I finish putting on the second pair of my earrings. I'm ready! I'm wearing a long black dress with a slit on the leg, I chose it because it's elegant and sexy at the same time, plus it fits like a glove on my body. I admire myself in the mirror and take some photos when I hear footsteps approaching.

I turn around and see Kylian looking at me from head to toe. I blush when I see him looking at me like that.

_You look stunning y/n. _Thank you Kylian. I smile still blushing He extends his arm to me: -let's go ? I nod and take his arm going down the stairs.

Time break

19:40

We just arrived at the event, it's a private team party but there are still lots of paparazzi and people at the door. Kylian holds my hand and we get out of the car. Several flashes are pointed at us –Kylian Kylian! The public and paparazzi scream thirstily for a photo of Kylian, who just waves at them, flashes are also thrown at me. When I suddenly see a little boy coming out of the crowd running towards Kylian with a PSG shirt in his little hands and then I see the security guard holding him and scolding him: —Get out, stupid boy! The brute man says shouting at the little boy he looks sad and with tears in his eyes. I immediately let go of Kylian's hand and shout:

_Hey! Release him and leave him alone! The security guard is scared by my attitude and immediately releases the little boy. I take his small hands and take him to Kylian:

–Hey calm down. I wipe your tears, let's sign this shirt, hmm? The little boy smiles looking into my eyes.

Kylian is standing there looking at the whole situation and gives a smile looking at me and then at the little boy. He signs the shirt, talks, takes photos and hugs the little boy. The little boy hugs me too and is soon called by his mother who thanks me:

–thank you miss! It was his dream, may God bless you!

_it was nothing! Thanks! I smile at his words. Kylian takes my hand again and we enter the room.

_Your attitude is very sweet, y/n, you made that little boy’s day.

_thank you, Kylian. I blush lightly Kylian continues eye contact deep into my eyes until a voice breaks us out of our trance:

_ heyyy brother! A dark-haired man greets Kylian and hugs him hey bro! _ Achraf this is y/n, y/n this is Achraf Hakimi. _ Nice! - we say in unison, greeting each other. Kylian holds my waist and introduces me to his other teammates. He takes me to say hello to the last player with his back turned. _ Hey Neymar! When I hear that name my heart stops and my legs feel weak.

Neymar Neymar was a regular visitor to the club I work for, and he was once my client. He didn't want anything to do with the other girls as soon as he saw me, I became his number 1 girl. He visited twice a week, even though I didn't want to, he paid a lot of dollars for me and I couldn't refuse because it was already helping to pay off the debt I have at the club. Over the course of his visits to the club we became confidants, he told me about his day to day life and I told him my whole story. He offered me several times to pay my debt and get me out of there, but I wanted to do it myself, and I also didn't want Neymar to get involved in this, there are dark things behind this club and I wouldn't want to get him involved. However, he took a break from visiting the club, due to personal problems and injuries he acquired in matches that required care.

_ heyy bro! He turns around and greets Kylian _ I want to introduce you to someone. Y/N I think you already know Neymar.

_neymar this is y/n. as soon as Neymar sets eyes on me, he becomes static and nervous, just like me. I just hope he pretends he doesn't know me.

_my pleasure y/n! says Neymar, stuttering, he greets me with cold hands and pretends to be normal.

_ Pleasure! I say looking away. _ kylian, I'm going to get a drink, I'll be right back! says Neymar, clearly uncomfortable. It goes off like a rocket. _What strange Neymar did you see? Strange…

_I think it's nothing, he just wants to drink earlier to enjoy the night. I say disguising _ it must be. But changing the subject, you look beautiful, y/n, this dress looks perfect on you! _thank you kylian! I look away, looking at the floor. During the party I met other people and some of the players' wives, at this moment I was talking to Antonella, Messi's wife, who is very friendly and nice. I take some selfies and see that I need to touch up my makeup.

I ask Antonella for permission, and I see Kylian with his friends near the bathroom, as soon as he sees me he gives me a wink and I return it with a smile, I go into the bathroom and touch up my lipstick and makeup. As I leave the bathroom I hear a conversation between some men, even though the sound is loud I can still hear the men's conversation and I immediately recognize Kylian's voice:

–Your new girl is hot bro – true, where did the big boy find this cat? – probably another passer of time for Kylian, right brother? His heart is just one and it's called 'rose'. Says a voice that I recognize as Achraf's.

That name ROSE echoes through my head again, I hear Kylian laughing, which just gives me a lump in my throat and a tightness in my heart. I decide to continue walking out of the bathroom when I bump into a very pretty blonde woman.

_look if it's not destiny, then are you Kylian's new 'hobby'?

_who are you?

TO BE CONTINUED…

#kylian x reader #kylian mbappe imagine #kylian mbappe #mbappé #mbappe x reader #kylian imagines #mbappe psg #kylian #kyky #mbappe

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bubblegumfrosting · 2 years

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Like A Sister

Pairing: Sam Winchester x Fem!Reader

Type: angst than fluff

Summary: Y/n has liked Sam for awhile but due to their age gap Sam only sees Y/n as a younger sister. One thing leads to another and results in Y/n making a tearful confession.

Warnings: Age gap (3 years), mentions of injuries, cursing, and Dean’s shenanigans

A/n: hi! this is the first fan fiction i’ve written in a long time! i hope you enjoy it and if you have any tips for writing please feel free to dm <33

POV: First Person

I met Sam Winchester my freshman year of college. Since childhood I never had any “real” friends. No matter how extroverted or kind I was to people they always found me annoying. I wasn’t expecting much going into college, I was use to being alone.

So like any outcast I found myself sitting alone at my first “real party”, that is until Sam’s girlfriend at that time Jessica waved me over. I was shocked to meet someone as kind as Jess, she welcomed me to Stanford with open arms. When she introduced me to Sam there was an instant connection. The three of us spent the whole night joking and getting tipsy (ignore my underage shenanigans).

I learned they were going into their senior year and Sam was planning on becoming a lawyer. Personally I never knew what I wanted to do in life, so my major was well undecided. After the party I stayed in touch with Jess and Sam. My college experience was honestly pretty good, everything seemed to be going well for me for once in my life.

In the middle of the school year Sam needed to go on a “hunting trip”. Because of his absence I got to sleep over at their dorm, which was much nicer than mine.

The night Sam returned I was far too tired to go back to my room so I just stayed over. That’s the night it happened, when my world changed. My best friend was on the ceiling in flames, I had to be dragged out by Sam’s older brother Dean because I refused to leave her. Sam mentioned going on a road trip after the accident and I told him I wanted to go. There was no longer anything left for me there at college. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and how could someone go back into society after witnessing something so terrifying. It took a lot of convincing Sam and than Sam convincing Dean to let me come with them but eventually I got my way.

That year I learned the truth, the truth about what’s in the dark. I became a hunter, and a pretty good one might I add. Due to my age the brothers baby me all the time, I’ve never minded it, that is until Sam said I was like their little sister. Hearing him say that made my heart ache. I’ve liked Sam for a awhile, I never mentioned it because he was in a relationship and then well grieving the loss of that relationship. There was never a right time to “confess my feelings”. So here I am hopelessly devoted to someone who sees me as a child and also here I am using myself as bait to catch a blood thirsty vampire.

“Come on! I’m over here, I know you want a bite outta this!”, I yelled out into the empty ware house.

POV: 3rd Person

Sam was very much against the idea of using you as bait but since this vampire only went after girls he really didn’t have a choice did he?

“Dean, shouldn’t we be closer, you know if something goes wrong?”, Sam spoke while him and Dean hid behind a pillar machetes in hand.

“Dude calm your panties, your little girlfriend is going to be fine”, the eldest said smugly.

“Ew! Dean don’t say stuff like that, she’s like …like..my little sister!”, Sam scoffed.

“If you look at your siblings the way you look at her than I don’t think I’m comfortable being your brother Sammy.”, Dean pats his younger brothers back.

“Whatever, let’s focus okay.”, Sam ended the conversation and the two waited.

Sam couldn’t explain what he was feeling, he was confused by what Dean said but than again he knew his brother was right. Sam has always cared for you but these past few months his feelings grew. He found himself staring at you when you weren’t looking and constantly worrying about whether you were safe or not.

“God! Are you ever gonna come out or what you bitch!”, you screamed getting a little antsy.

Suddenly a man popped out from the dark and swiftly knocked you to the ground. You felt your head hit the cement and blood trickled down your face, “Who are you calling a bitch..bitch?”. The man revealed his razor sharp teeth and lunged on top of you.

“God, when was the last time you seen a dentist?”, you yelled.

“Dean now!”, Sam exclaimed and the two brothers sprinted towards the action. In an instant the once “alive” vampire was laying on top of you headless.

“I’m going to puke”, you pushed the body off yours and Sam helped you off the ground.

Sam had a worried expression on his face, “Hey hey hey, are you okay, does anything hurt? Did you hit your head? How many fingers am I holding up?“, he held up three fingers.

“Ten”, you said jokingly, “I’m okay Sam I promise, I definitely thought I was a goner though”.

“We thought about leaving you but Sam decided against it.”, Dean said wrapping an arm around your shoulders and the three of you walked out of the ware house.

When you arrived at the motel Sam insisted to check the cut on your head while Dean went out to get a beer.

“This needs stitches Y/n.”, he sighed and got out the first aid kit. “Sit on the bed.”.

“No please! I’m fine! I promise, I don’t need stitches”, you look into his eyes and pout. Sam turned his head away to hide the fact he was blushing.

“Sit, now.”, he said sternly and you did as you were told. He sat beside you and grabbed the belt laying on the bedside table. “It will be over in an instant, here bite down on this.”. You bit down and closed your eyes. The only thing you could taste was leather mixed with tears.

After what seemed to be a life time, the stitch work was done. Sam gently took the belt from your mouth and you opened your eyes. You wiped the tears from your face looked down, “No wonder you see me as a baby, I cry over a little cut.”.

“Who ever said I see you as a baby”, Sam questioned and you looked back up.

“You did genius, you said I was “like your little sister”.”, you got up from the bed and walked towards the bathroom, Sam follows close behind.

“Well I guess it’s just because your so much younger than me and-“, Sam started.

You turned to face him, “Thanks for reminding me, it’s not like I think about it everyday! Think about how maybe if I was older-.”, you paused, “Never mind, sorry forget I said anything.”, you brush past him but he grabs your wrist and you turn back towards him.

“Maybe if you were older what?”, he asked as his eyes melted you under their gaze.

“Are you really going to make me do this?”, he looked at you with a pleading face. “Fine, I..I like you. Fuck! I don’t just like you Sam I love you.”, your eyes go blurry due to tears forming and you can’t even see what Sam’s expression was so you just kept talking. “I’ve always loved you and everyday I’m reminded that you could never feel the same way because I’m some stupid kid, some burden you have to worry about-“. Before you could finish Sam stepped towards you with urgency and cupped your face pulling you in to meet his lips with yours . After a couple seconds you both pulled away and he wiped your tears with his thumb.

“Never call yourself a burden Y/n, you are the most kindest, loving person I know and I’m sorry I didn’t know this sooner but I love you, I truly love you.”, you looked into his eyes and smiled as you pulled him in for another kiss.

“Finally god damn!”, Dean sat on the motel bed kicking off his shoes. Sam and you turned in shock to see him sitting there. “I’m so happy I won’t have to deal with the both of you eye fucking each other anymore.”.

“How long have you been here?!”, you exclaimed.

“I don’t know, like the whole time.”, Dean cheekily smiled and turned on the tv.

You looked back at Sam and smiled, “I never thought you’d feel the same way.”.

Sam brushed a strand of your hair behind your ear, “Well I never thought Dean would be right about something but here we are.”, he placed a kiss on your forehead.

“Ay! I’m still here, stop the smooching!”, Dean said dramatically.

The three of you laughed, and everything was perfect.

#sam winchester #dean winchester #sam x y/n #sam x reader #sam winchester x reader #sam winchester x y/n #sam x you #sam winchester x you #supernatural #supernatural x reader #supernatural x you #supernatural x y/n #supernatural fanfiction

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a-shakespearean-in-paris · 9 months

Text

about that guy I met on my European vacation--

OK, don’t get too excited, nothing that crazy or illegal happened. But I learned a few things about myself in the process that I thought I’d share. GET READY BECAUSE SHE A LONG ONE

So here I am on my 35 day European tour of a lifetime, starting in Barcelona and ending in Greece. When I get to Barcelona I have to meet my tour director after driving from the airport because he has the keys to our rooms. I knew he was Greek beforehand in the group chat--I’ve seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding about a million times and also I’ve played Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, and his accent confirms it. “I like your name,” he says when I introduce myself, and it’s from this point onward that I have two missions for this trip. Number one: have an amazing time. Two: avoid this man at all costs, except when necessary for the tour.

Avoiding him is simply about survival, even if he seems personable and truly wants to get to know all of us on the tour. I know I’m not that interesting a person and he is quite good looking and also really charming. If I’m not careful, I’ll catch feelings. I know me. He’ll just be doing his job and I’ll mistake it for attraction. I’ve lived through this song and dance before. It’s the curse you wear when you’ve grown up in a body that society doesn’t deem as good enough. Even if time has made me what society would call “prettier,” old thoughts of you’re not pretty enough for him are going to linger, lines forged by the likes of my grandmothers and casting directors. I am the funny side character, not the romantic lead. Hell, in college I wasn’t even on the stage. I remained in the backstage area as the helper. The funny side character stays on the sidelines. She provides funny banter, not the romance arc. She has to protect herself.

Yet there’s a moment after Barcelona before we head to Paris where he ends up having dinner with me and my friend, myself terrified when he plops down at the same restaurant we’ve chosen. I don’t do much of the talking, my friend does, asking him all sorts of questions about his life I wish I could have asked, and some brazen ones in my mind anyway like are you married or attached? he’s not, come to find out. I glean he’s sort of a wayward traveler and content with that, but he admits he’s getting a bit too old for this tour directing thing. He also lets me try his food. It’s a small kindness I wouldn’t have expected from an American man. I feel brave. I tell him I like the way he says my name.

“That’s what I said,” he says, twinkle in his eye. (No, it’s not. I let it be. I like the way he says it. To Europeans I even begin introducing myself via his pronunciation.)

Time passes without incident. I follow my promises in Paris, London, and Amsterdam. I know my other friend L likes him a lot and says she danced with him in Paris where they connected. It’s probably true, but I don’t know--I also can’t help but feel there’s something in the way he looks at me. A glimmer of something or other that some part of me recognizes, but doesn’t think can be the case. Not for me. I know my place. Then Prague happens.

A lot of things happen in Prague. The morning of our tour through the city I get an email asking if I’m still interested in joining the company I applied to before my trip. I can’t believe it. I’m in Europe, and when I come back there is now the possibility I won’t have to go back to teaching. The day goes on, a terrible heat wave in the city. He takes the group out to a medieval dinner--sort of an interactive renaissance fair. We’re all as a unit, very drunk and ready for more drinking and dancing. It may be one of the best days of my life. Here I am in Europe, a world away from last year in the deepest pits of my depression and anxiety, drinking beer with an amazing group of travelers who I get to call my friends. We hit one bar, and then another, an Irish pub where he is, of course--he loves his Irish pubs and makes no secret of it. He flits around and some of my friends chit chat with him, but I of course don’t say anything. Of course we want to keep the party going--so we head out to this eighties dance club where he follows. I admit my eye is on him during the night--he helps out one of my friends who gets so drunk she can’t walk. (And he avoids her attempts to hit on him as well) but mostly I dance and I dance and I dance and I drink and I let loose in a way I don’t think I ever have. I feel beautiful. I feel free. And hell, when I see myself in the mirror--I am beautiful. Later, my friend tells me how cute I was drunk. I let loose. She’s right. Everything is perfect, except for the nagging realization I have to pee.

Upon what I call the pee test, wherein you get to see how drunk you are in the bathroom, I am moderate. I can stand but things are a little wobbly. Not the drunkest I’ve been, but pretty drunk. I emerge from the bathroom. There he is.

He grabs my hand. He doesn’t let go. He stares into my goddamn soul. One of my friends is prattling on about going to another bar, I think, but it’s so loud because “Here Comes the Rain Again” or something is playing. He is insistent I come along too to this other bar with them all, still looking into the depths of my soul and holding my hand. In my drunken, yet still somewhat lucid state, I ask him why on earth he’s standing outside the girl’s bathroom. No answer, but my hand is still in his, and his eyes are still looking into the depths of my goodman soul. I feel really fucking pretty. So pretty, part of me realizes a good looking man is holding my hand. I hold on tighter.

We don’t end up going to another bar, we end up staying, but still holding my hand he takes me away from the girl’s restroom, finally, and eventually a tentative arm is places around me, something I reciprocate until more people crowd around. Shots are bought. We take a shot together before back to the dance floor we go. He dances with me, our backs turned in this shoulder-to-shoulder sort of shimmy, and I am vaguely aware of my ass grinding against his. When it’s over I am horror-stricken. People definitely saw me grind with our hot as hell Grecian tour director. But I’m in it too deep. I want to dance with him again, and I throw out some joke as I shake my hips about how they are going to hurt tomorrow--to which he laughs. It’s at this point another girl notices and literally throws herself on him. I watch with my mouth agape as he fights off her advances, and watch as he eventually untangles himself and leaves.

I can’t sleep that night. Number one there’s a heat wave and I’m on the top bunk, and two, I’m swimming with thoughts of what the hell just happened. He started it, but why? The funny side character shouldn’t be treated like the romantic lead. The morning comes and the girls in my room mention his behavior from previous cities after noting how the other girl danced on top of him. They mention behavior I haven’t seen, and are concerned about his professionalism and if tour guides should go out dancing with tour groups. “I think I danced with him,” I say. “You did,” my friend replies. I can’t help but feel judged.

We move on from Prague in our trip. In Switzerland I decide to accept the new job. I see more glances from him here and there. He watches me get hit on in Venice. Then there’s this one particular look he gives me before we drive to Florence that I can’t shake away. I tell him good morning and the way he replies, you’d think I made his morning.

Once in Rome I end up crying. We are deep into the trip and I want to talk to my Mom about my new job and also what happened. It’s confusing and I don’t get it and is this lack of professionalism true or something that should bother me? My friend L tells me a rumor he kissed a girl in Barcelona in our group and confessed his life story to her--and she says she doesn’t like him anymore, albeit for different reasons. I never ask. But there’s something ingrained within me that senses shenanigans will happen, even that night after I kiss an Italian boy.

I’m right. It’s the second night in Rome. I go to a bar with two other friends. Apparently this is his favorite Irish bar in the whole of Europe, and of course he’s there. He plops beside me, deriding my choice in drinking Heineken when I should get an Italian beer. He asks me what I’m going to do when I come back to the states. I joke about ice water. He teases me. I tell him the truth, that I want to talk to my mom about a few things. I think about Prague, but leave that out and tell him about my new job, and how it’s everything I wanted but I’m nervous to leave teaching and also take a decrease in pay, but it’s also exciting because my head will be clearer to write more during the day, and I get a foothold in a career that’s interesting to me. He’s happy for me.

From there, we talk, and we talk, and we talk and do occasional shots with the others I came with. The night is a blur, I can’t say everything we talked about--movies for one where he’s impressed I know who Laurence Olivier is. (”Of course I do! I’m a Shakespearean!”) and places he’s been to. he loves architecture, and tells me I could pass as Italian, and even Greek. (He’s right, I get mistaken for Greek a lot a little later) I show him a picture of my grandparents, and when my friend next to me starts showing pictures of the various colors she’s dyed her hair, I casually mentioned I stopped dyeing my hair. “Why would you?” he asks, “it’s a pretty color.” Once, he offhandedly mentions he’s self-conscious about his accent. I tell him I like it. Rather bashfully, he thanks me.

He takes a picture of us in the bar and posts it to the group chat. More people arrive. We kind of remain by each other’s side. He buys me a beer separate from the rest of the group. At some point I have to pee. On my way back from peeing I end up smooching another Italian man. He uses too much tongue too quickly for my taste. On my way back, he follows me. You know who sees this whole exchange and is very amused I got hit on, apparently. I think I mention something or other about my therapist telling me to kiss boys in Europe. Then he’s gone--gone without saying goodbye, and I’m a little upset but mostly I’m elated. I talked virtually all night with a man I find attractive, and not once did I run away. My good mood is only spoiled by the fact that I learn when I call home that my grandma was placed in the hospital.

The next day after the Vatican I’m eating with my friend L and a few others, and she casually mentions how he tried to get her to party with him yesterday. Driven by tiredness and also my news from the previous night, I go to my hotel room and cry. I don’t feel like he played me, but more so that I played myself. I’m just the funny side character after all. Why would I think I’m special? We’re going to Greece in the morning, and my body is just so tired I have no desire to go.

But go we do, and once in Athens I just feel very, very happy. I can’t even really describe why the city makes me so happy. but I feel safe there. I feel like maybe the past life reader I emailed back in April was right, Greece was once my home in a time before. One thing is sure, I am not wasting my time on my tour director anymore. I’m just going to enjoy the rest of the trip.

Except he’s eating lunch the same place me and my friends decide to eat at. We leave him be but he’s as amiable as ever. And then later that night when me and another group of girls decide to go for drinks at a rooftop bar---he tags along. I don’t really speak to him much, other girls in the group dominate the conversation, but I try my best to look wistful and unbothered. He lets me sip from his beer, and when I ask my smoker friend for a cigarette puff he beats her and gives me a puff of his. He mentions the Irish bar in Rome and how I was there with him. I feel a sort of electricity when he plops by me to smoke and he’s pointed toward me.

The next day at the Acropolis he gives me this sort of playful, dreamy look I don’t see him give anyone else, and I ask if he thinks I look silly in my hat. “Yes,” he says, and I laugh. Another dreamy look in Paros when we’re by ourselves by the sea for the briefest moment. He looks at me like I’m a revelation. It makes me laugh. It makes me feel like the romantic lead. One last wistful look the next morning before we return to Athens when he tells me “good morning.” Again, I feel a sort of revelation. My friend tells me later there’s a rumor he slept with a girl in our group. I kind of don’t care.

At our last dinner in Athens before we all must leave, I give him his tip. We embrace, we take a photo. He wants me to send it to him. I do, and he gives it a little heart. He comes out dancing with the group, one last time. I don’t see him for a bit, but when he bumps into me in the club he asks me where my drink is. I ask him if he’s going to buy me one to replace it. He teases me before agreeing, and then more people crowd around and suddenly we’re taking shots. It’s at this point I see the rumored girl he slept with in our group cuddle up near him, to which he doesn’t reciprocate. I give a certain look of disgust, one he mirrors. “What happened to the Irish bar?” he asks me. I am possessed. I put my hand on his cheek and I tell him I’ll always remember it. He will too, he says. That’s his favorite in all of Europe.

I remember that souvenir I bought in Athens a few days ago, my name on a necklace in Greek. He’s supposed to give it me at some point, and when I ask he says he’ll just keep it if he forgets. YOU’RE GOING TO KEEP A NECKLACE WITH MY NAME? I ask, and he just looks sheepishly at me. I know I have to leave soon, so I say my goodbyes. “If I don’t see you, when I leave in the taxi to the airport,” I tell him, “I will kill you.” And then I embrace him again. I kiss his cheek.

Such a simple thing, a kiss. I always thought I would have to be deliberate about it, because I imagined kissing his cheek in parting before. I wasn’t so. I was possessed, automatic. When he kisses me back on my cheek, an immediate response, it feels like an I see you, you were beautiful, I enjoyed my time with you. It feels romantic.

So we part a few hours later with an embrace--nothing too crazy. But when I’m home, I message him because he asked us to let him know when we’re home safe. I thank him in Greek, and thank him for everything. I tell him I’m glad I stopped waiting around for someone and did what I always wanted to do. He thanks me. Am I going to leave it there? He lives in Greece, I live here. He told me he wouldn’t live in the US. Fuck, I’d move to Europe for true love, though the chance of him being it for me are very, very slim. I do know he said he’d mention if he was in the US, and asked me to mention if I was in Europe. Of course I’ll go back to Europe. I’ll always return. And I may need to message him. Some of my stories take place partly in Greece. I need research help.

In my therapist’s chair upon my return, she tells me who cares if the rumor about him sleeping with someone is true or not, I know what happened between him and I. He’s a tour director and he probably lied when he said he would never do something like that in Athens. At the end of the day, he’s European, and Europeans have different sensibilities. Good for me for kissing him, and after all, it’s not really about him. It’s about how I felt confident, I felt beautiful, and I held a man’s attention. She’s right of course. She’s always right. This story isn’t about a romance, it’s about the funny side character coming into her own, and knowing she can be the lead. It’s about how I got to know this amazing, incredible woman, and now I know I can’t be without her. And, my therapist says, it’s time for me to write my book.

I used to be sad I didn’t have a partner, how I would look at pictures of my cousin’s family and be jealous. But I see them now, and I see how beautiful it is, but I also see how that’s not what I want. Not quite yet, I still want to travel. I must, for me. For my soul. For the art that I will make.

And as for my tour director, I waffle back and forth now that I’m home. I know I can live without him. I’m ready for the man I will marry, but I also don’t want him yet, weirdly enough. There are things I have to do. I learned that in Europe. I learned that with my tour director, talking with him, exchanging heated looks with him he didn’t give anyone else. I was careful to observe that. I admit, there are parts of me that have this knowing that there’s more and I haven’t seen or heard the last of Nikos.

I guess time will tell. I’m happy either way. I’m still the lead.

#personal #DO NOT REBLOG PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY #FUCK WHY DID I WRITE AND PUBLISH THIS #this is long #warning

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