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#I start to not want to do anything romantic/sexual and JUST hurt them emotionally and physically.
zombienarc · 2 years
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#d and I got into a pretty nasty verbal fight. I called ugly while pointing out all of his insecurities. I told him he was stunted.#I told him that no one would ever touch him or love him besides me because he is disgusting and pathetic.#I told him he was worthless and nobody cares about him. Told him what my friends said about him.#All he could say is that I was evil and struggle with mental health because I’m pretty much a god and successful in life.#Then I doubled down and said ‘Kill yourself. Grab your gun and blow your brain all over the wall. I want to-#-see your death on the news while I eat popcorn’. He was broken by this and I knew it would break him because he’s been suicidal before.#He told me that I broke his heart and he was holding a knife to his wrist and really contemplated cutting for the first time in years.#The interesting thing is after bullshitting an apology he decided to stay with me.#He told me that I’ve broken him and I believe it. He is not the same person I met at the beginning of this year. He is a shell of a man.#He takes my word over his own when determining what we should do about our relationship and what is purpose and worth is to others-#-himself and I. I’m curious to see how far he will go to please me.#His blind devotion is something I desire from my partners but it almost makes me feel disgusted by them.#I start to not want to do anything romantic/sexual and JUST hurt them emotionally and physically.#They stop being people to me and then I suck the life out of them. I rank how long it took them before they could no longer be my romantic-#-partner. I enjoy keeping them as friends so I can see them struggle and do worse then me in life.#I enjoy when they try to get back with me.#grey god#d#b#m#p#I am a true sociopath because I feel this way 99% of the time but I am so good at appearing empathic and emotional.#The amount of fake tears I’ve cried is insane. I don’t feel genuine romantic love. It’s like a show to me. If you please me you’re safe.#If you hurt me then I’m certainly… Evil.
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followerofmercy · 2 days
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I was talking to a friend about Kavetham and how, while I like the ship a lot, it's like... Cheese curds on their way to becoming Parmesan.
There's no question that they're not one of, if not THE, most important people in the other's life. That said, I don't think they could date rn. For one, Alhaitham is... Mean.
Not on purpose. Nothing he says is with intent to harm, but he is AWARE of the harm his phrasing causes and... Doesn't do anything about it? While I would like to defend him on the basis that communicating while autistic is HARD, why is everyone so emotional, there is a point where you recognize that you live in a society. If you wanna stop hurting your friends, you gotta watch your tone. Or even just clarify more: "I said you're emotionally fragile because I watch you bleed for people that don't care about you. It bothers me and I want you to stop hurting yourself."
The correct response to someone saying "what you said hurt my feelings" is not "well that's not what I meant and you should get over it" lol
Now, more importantly, I don't think Kaveh could handle dating someone he's financially dependent on.
Idk if y'all have ever really had to RELY on someone like that before. It's a horrible feeling. You know how much it sucked growing up and your parents could threaten to kick you out if you disappointed them and you'd be left homeless AND unable to support yourself?
It's just as bad if you're not related to them. I think it's a little worse, actually, because even if your parents are monsters you can usually hold their public image hostage to get them to cooperate. "I kicked my son out' is almost never a good look, yk?
People are much less sympathetic to a romantic partner than a child. Anyway, I do think Kaveh would be open to starting a relationship with someone he relies on because he has no self esteem. It's just another thing to feel guilty about, whatever, business as usual. That means that if they ever had a sexual relationship, it would feel like... A very nicely dressed up prostitution. This is what he needs to do to earn a place in the house. It's a service he can provide to make up for the burden of his presence.
I just don't think that's a particularly healthy headspace to be in lol
And while I was critical of Alhaitham earlier, he isn't stupid. HE knows Kaveh is incapable of not feeling like he owes Alhaitham, which is why I think he charges rent. Kaveh can't cut and run if he's actually paying his way. And more than that, I don't think Alhaitham would allow a premature relationship that would ultimately distance Kaveh from him
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radiostaticsmile · 2 months
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Aroace alastor headcanons!
Alastor is ofc canonically ace and probably aro and i hc him as both, but aroace is a broad spectum and the following is how I hc him to experience it!
1. Feelings twoards touch
it is well known Alastor doesn't like others touching him- however I don't think he is completely touch adverse! He is constantly touching other people (petting Husk, leaning on vaggie), so I think he is okay with touch as long as he initiates it and is in control of how far it goes. I also hc him as autistic, and I think he especially likes petting furry demons for the soft texture! This sometimes gives them the wrong idea though which leads to...
2. Reaction to crushes
I think Alastor purposefully gets people to have crushes on him because he both thrives on attention of any kind and he wants to use other people's feelings to control them. He wants people to obsess over him and want to please him as much as possible. However, as soon as they try to actually ask him out or make too bold a move, he immediately flies into pure aro panic. This can cause him to reject them extreamly harshly and possibly even attack them.
I think it is possible or at least a funny idea that this happened with Vox. I have seen a lot of great art that I love where Vox is asking Alastor romantically, but Alastor interprets it as a platonic business proposal. I think it would also be very funny if Vox was giving a platonic business proposal, and Alastor thought it was romantic and attacked Vox in a aromantic panic state, leading to a very confusing and upsetting day for Vox.
3. Sexual situations
I think Alastor is sex repulsed but kinky. His reaction to Angel Dust's dick sucking offer in the pilot sort of gives me sex repulsed, though he could also just be Shocked someone would talk to someone as powerful as him that way.
However, Alastor is also a sadist and I think he is horny about it. His reaction of 'thats a lot less hot' when told to get rid of the eggbois humanly tells me that he does think of hurting people as sexy. He also likes to be in control and have people pay attention to him in a way that makes me think he would really enjoy domming (his clothes stay ON!) but I don't think he has tried it very much since he probably mainly enjoys his sadism through Literally Murder. I do think he consentually throws nifty around though, since she likes pain and he likes causing it. He doesn't really see it as sexual though, more just using her as a stress ball, though it does excite him and is part of why he likes her. (Nifty however is extremely horny about it).
4. Relationships
Like stated earlier I think Alastor would reject any explicitly romantic relationship especially if suddenly proposed to him, but I think he does get very attached to specific individuals in a way where he kind of feels he owns them. He wants to be close to them and know about them and (unhealthily he is toxic) control their lives to an extent. He would probably enjoy doing kinky things with people he feels this way about and would want to cuddle and hang out and give them gifts. I think he might be a bit uncomfortable if he had a close bond in this way and the other person wanted to label it as dating, be he would probably accept it as a signifyer of how close the relationship is and kinda like it as a mark of that person belonging to him. However if the person changed their behaviour twoards him because of the dating label he would become confused and upset, since he would have thought they were just labeling what they were already doing, not trying to change the dynamic.
This is theoretical because I think he doesn't really open up to people emotionally and when he starts to like someone in this way he becomes more controling in a way that can become abusive (i think this is how he feels about Husk) and it usually makes the person hate him, not have a desire to date him or anything (though his attention on them may give them a confusing mix of positive and negative feelings).
I hope you like my ideas! Obviously I am happy to see differing headcanons but I tried to substantiate mine with show evidence! Though there isn't much to go off in the show so I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out differently :D
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prufra? Tell me more!
ooh anon where to start....
to me, prufra are most interesting in the 19th century for a number of reasons. gilbert is at his most powerful but also (after 1866) his most isolated--he's spearheading german unification the way HE wants it. at the expense of everyone else thinking he's a miserable cold-hearted bastard. so in that way he's at his most emotionally vulnerable too. he tells himself he doesn't care, because he's not a human man, and he has a Purpose by the name of ludwig, so he doesn't need anything else, right? right!
meanwhile françois is still smarting after the failure of napoleon's empire and a series of unstable governments. he finds himself becoming more philosophical, less of a party animal, less directly involved in government and political intrigues....needing a challenge basically. he remembers gilbert's smug fucking face after waterloo and is like hm. i think i will have an affair with this man and psychosexually destroy him. (he does initiate a friendship for other reasons--it's good diplomacy, he finds gilbert genuinely interesting and strange, know your enemy, etc.) françois feels the need to reassert his power by fucking the most unfuckable guy in europe.
gilbert feels a lot of conflict and shame over this because most of the other german states are still wary of or outright hateful of france at this point. iirc a lot of german national identity in the 19th century was explicitly defined against france, so it's like betraying his entire purpose. but i hc gilbert as someone who has always been very chaste and had very few romantic/sexual experiences, and at this point it kinda bites him in the ass--he's never had someone really making an effort to get in his pants before and isn't very good at defending against it. he keeps putting himself in romantic situations with a hot frenchman who's been reliably flirting with him and thinking okay but THIS TIME, i won't be seduced. and then he is. and he's mad about it. but he keeps doing it! he keeps answering the letters, and accepting the invitations to lunch, and going to the opera together, and picnics in the country, etc etc etc.
and it doesn't help that françois is very genuine, amiable and charming. like yeah, he IS plotting, and he will ultimately look out for number one, but come on, they can have a little fun until the next war, can't they? this is the kind of doublethink that gilbert has a hard time with, he's a very all-or-nothing kind of man. but it's a perfect storm of circumstances, and he ends up exploring his bisexuality with the worst possible person in the worst possible circumstances.
I think they both get more than they bargained for with it--françois develops some feelings deeper than just vague fondness, and finds himself actually a bit hurt that gilbert is so secretive and ashamed of what they're doing. gilbert gets better at initiating and asking for what he wants in his efforts to be In Control Of The Situation, but faces the same issue of oh no, genuine feelings. while also raising ludwig in a very strict, austere and covertly homophobic way. oops.
the affair lasts roughly from 1869-1900 (yeah they fuck the first time like one year before the franco-prussian war starts, lmao) but gilbert breaks it off very callously because ludwig is getting older and wwi is on the horizon. the way he justifies it to himself is well françois won't be very hurt and neither will i, because françois is a slut who can easily go back to arthur or find someone else, and i am a machine, not a man. he is so embarrassingly wrong about this. both of them feel awful and don't talk about it for literal decades. if they're together in the modern day it's not until ~1995.
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lispenardst · 4 months
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3, 12, 14, and 15 for FT asks? :D
Okay so to start with I’m sorry that I took so long to answer this!! Thank you for asking you lovely person and also I’ve been drinking for hours (merry christmas ho ho ho 🎅🏼) so these answers may be a load of unintelligible shit but lol whatever lets go
3. What is your favourite episode and why?
It might be a controversial one but honestly? Episode 1. I just love beginnings. The hope and potential and possibility of a fresh start, the excitement and thrill of the unknown, the electricity of new connections, I’m just a sucker for it. I watched episode 1 when it first aired and honestly felt as though it could’ve existed as a stand alone short film. It was the perfect way to set the scene for the series but also was such a beautifully told story in its own right. Idk if any of you have watched Weekend by Andrew Haigh? Idk if I’m chatting nonsense here but it gave me a similar vibe to that… all the emotion and potential and unspoken truths simmering under the surface, intense feelings manifesting as sexual interplay… all of it culminating in what felt like somewhat repressed and wasted potential. I’ll shut up now lol but it was such a perfect first episode. I could babble about it endlessly.
12. Which song, used in soundtrack, you liked the most?
Ooooh such a good question - are we talking about the score, or are we talking songs that were included? Whatever I’ll do both
Score wise can I just say it is the most fucking gorgeous soundtrack, I am such a slut for a good soundtrack and this one has me in a chokehold I love it. It’s so emotional, I cry just listening to it. Paul Leonard-Morgan I loge you you’re a genius
My favourite piece of music from the score has to be Waiting for Tim, it makes my heart ache. I’d love to say something a bit more eloquent about it but honestly it just makes me want to throw up from emotion ✌️ omg and Forbidden Joy that plays during the game of charades in ep2, that scene makes me feel like someone just scooped out my insides
Aside from the score I loooove anything by Arthur Russell, especially Love Is Overtaking Me. If Its Magic by Stevie Wonder is also amazing, especially as a choice for the opening scene. Also You Turned The Tables On Me by Anita O’Day. And omg Found A Cure by Ashford and Simpson that plays when Tim and Hawk are dancing in the club, so so so good
14. Do you have any unpopular opinions about Fellow Travelers?
Hmm….
I don’t think it’s controversial, but I do think that all the people on TikTok and the like who comment like ‘Fuck Hawk he’s evil and never loved Tim!!!’ must either be emotionally constipated or like 14 years old. Like how can a fully grown adult watch this show and come to that conclusion???? And whyyyy are people so obsessed with good vs bad? ‘Tim is an innocent baby and Hawk is a BAD MAN’ like how is that all you see?? Surely that is the least interesting thing about these characters? The most wonderful thing about this show is that everybody is painfully human, they hurt and hurt others and make mistakes just like we do. How can you boil down an entire human being to being ‘good’ or ‘bad’? It’s boring and I have no interest in it. It’s so telling of the time that we live in, that people immediately want to categorise human beings based on their perceived morality. All the characters in this show are just shades of grey, they are nuanced complicated human beings carrying all the complexity that a human being should carry. The focus should not be on bad vs good. It frustrates me!! That is surely the least interesting thing about these characters!! They have such rich inner worlds and such complex motives and you want to reduce them down to “Hawk is bad man and Tim is innocent baby and Lucy is evil lady” ugh it’s so BORING how is that all you see
15. What is your favourite relationship from the show (could be romantic or platonic)?
Oh this is so easy. Obviously fav romantic is Hawk and Tim - pretty self explanatory, I won’t elaborate or we’ll be here all day
Favourite platonic is Tim and Jackson without a shadow of a doubt, I’ve talked about this quite a lot on here already (I think? Or was that on reddit?) but yeah, I just feel as though they were connected from the moment Jackson was born and, similarly to how infrequent Hawk and Tim’s interactions were, Tim and Jackson remained connected for life, regardless of how much time and distance was placed between them. They were kindred spirits. I feel as though their scenes together were some of the most pure and honest and powerful in the entire show.
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ambrossart · 7 months
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hi! I remember you did a poll on ships for Paper Men and I was wondering…. what are your top 3 favorite ships in this story? and why? thank you, I hope life is treating you well! ❤️❤️
Hi! Sorry it took me so long to answer this. I was working on another fic and I knew if I answered this ask, I was gonna end up spending the entire day thinking about Paper Men, and I just couldn't afford to do that. 😂
Anyway, I wish I had a really cool, unexpected answer to this, but I feel like everyone already knows what my favorite ships are, so I'll try to also include ones that I don't talk about so often.
#1 is a three-way tie between Evelyn x Vic, Evelyn x Henry, and Evelyn x Patrick (huge shock, I know)
Evelyn x Vic - I don't normally like the childhood friend trope, and I had no intention of their relationship being romantic at all when I started this story, but man this pairing really snuck up on me. By the time I got to Ch. 12, when Evelyn was drunk and sad and wanting to hold Vic's hand, I was fully on board. I love them together. I love how different they are. I love how Vic kind of comes out of his shell when he's around her. He's not shy by any means, but talking to people literally gives him a headache, so the fact that he likes Evelyn, who talks SO MUCH, is so sweet to me. The boy is in constant agony when he's around her (in more ways than one), but he's willing to suffer for her. He likes her that much. 🥺 Poor Vic. If only he had accepted his feelings a little sooner.
Evelyn x Henry - Okay, I know this ship is kind of sinking like the Titanic right now, but I am fully prepared to go down with this ship! Out of all the pairings in the story, this one affects me the most emotionally. I'm very invested in it. I know it's going to end in tragedy, but I don't care. I still can't help but root for them. These two have such a deep history with each other. Evelyn entered Henry's life on the day his mom left, so for most of his childhood, Evelyn took on that nurturing, almost motherly role. As they got older, they developed a romantic attraction to each other, then a sexual attraction to each other, and (as we all now know) that's where things got really messy because it exposed just how broken Henry truly is: physically, mentally, emotionally, and there's nothing Evelyn can do to help him. As he currently is, Henry Bowers is incapable of having a healthy relationship. So as much as he loves Evelyn (and I do think he genuinely loves her) he's only going to end up hurting her, even if he doesn't mean to. There's a sense of helplessness there that just really makes me sad. Evelyn cares about Henry so much, as both a lover and a person, but at some point she has to start thinking about her own wellbeing. I still want them to end up together, though.
Evelyn x Patrick - I've talked about these two so much already, I don't even know if I have anything new to say. Evelyn and Patrick have such a bizarre and fascinating relationship. I'm absolutely obsessed with it. It's incredibly complex and layered, but underneath all the mind games and manipulation, there is a very strong mutual attraction there. Evelyn has admitted several times that she finds Patrick physically attractive. Her loyalty to Henry has stopped her from acting on that attraction, but we're seeing that starting to change a little bit. Problematic as he is, Patrick is exactly what Evelyn needs right now. She's spent her whole life chasing after guys who don't seem to want her, and now here comes Patrick, someone who openly and unapologetically desires her. I don't think anyone can blame her for being a little curious.
For Patrick, he's been drawn to Evelyn since the beginning of the story... for reasons nobody, not even Patrick, fully understands. In his dull grey world, Evelyn Tozier stands out. She's colorful. She doesn't behave like the other people he's toyed with in the past. She challenges him. She questions him. She says his name a lot, which seems insignificant, but it's actually very powerful. By saying his name, not only is Evelyn commanding Patrick's attention, but she's also showing that he has her full attention as well. She's speaking directly to him. She's listening to him. She's seeing him. And I think that makes Patrick really uncomfortable because he's not used to being seen like that. But he likes it. Yeah, he likes it a lot. Evelyn is affecting him in ways that he wasn't expecting, and that's... very dangerous for Evelyn because now nothing will stop Patrick from getting what he wants, and he desperately wants her. God, these two are going to have such a wonderful, toxic relationship. It's gonna be the most beautiful dumpster fire. I love writing their scenes so much.
#2 is Maggie and Wentworth Tozier
These two are absolute marriage goals. They have, without a doubt, the healthiest, most stable, and loving relationship in the entire story. Nobody else even comes close. Maggie and Went are truly each other's best friends. They have a very similar sense of humor. They love to laugh. They love their children. They're perfectly matched in every way.
#3 is Reggie and Christie
I haven't gone into much detail about their relationship, but now that Christie has officially made her appearance in the story, we're gonna start learning more about her and her relationship with Reggie. They have a really sweet, wholesome relationship—probably the best out of all the teenage couples. They have a ton of things in common. He's kind of the calm to her crazy, but they honestly get along very well. I love how protective he is of her, which is partly why she's been a background character up until now. He doesn't want her to become a target of Patrick or to have to suffer through one of Henry's random blowups. She's one of the most important people in his life, and he wants to do everything he can to keep her safe. They're adorable together.
________________
Okay, once again I wrote way too much. Now you understand why I had to wait to answer this. 😆
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rickgrimesrp · 8 months
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Carol & Rick (domesticity meme)
Domesticity Meme
If you can think of a ship, i will answer these questions for them
Carol x Rick
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who cooks normally?:
Carol, because she likes to and is better at it. Rick can cook as well and does it when she's busy.
how often do they fight?:
As heated fights, basically never because both are such introverts. Arguments, rarely, because both have similar mindsets when it comes to actions in critique moments, none of them like to kill or hurt others but they are willing to if they have to. Up to season 3 Rick totally wouldn't accept her colder approach to such situations but after growing up and stopping being such a naive officer friendly, Rick shares the same ideas as her now.
what do they do when they’re away from each other?:
Rick draws her and collects things he thinks she will like.
nicknames for each other?:
He just calls her "Carol". Rick tends to be mature and respectful, he would use nicknames only for practical situations, as if the person's name is too long and he needs to call them fast.
who is more likely to pay for dinner?:
Rick. He wants to please her, and he prefers to do that with actions. He will always make the first move to pay and won't make a big deal out of it, unless he has no money or paying method at all.
who steals the covers at night?:
Carol. Rick already lost the sheets to Michonne when he was butt naked, why wouldn't he lose them to CAROL?
what would they get each other for gifts?:
Rick would try to find something special to Carol, something that would either touch her personally or be very useful in survival terms. So either a book he believes she will enjoy or tools /gear like a leather shoulder bag with very high durability that won't let her down in supply runs or a gun he calibrated or customized personally that could save her life.
who remembers things?:
Carol. Rick's memory can be very selective. Sometimes he remembers but keeps quiet about it.
who cusses more?:
Rick because he needs time to understand when he is wrong, and during that time he might be a defensive stubborn prick, unless you have a very good logic argument to prove to him A +B wise. He does change and evolve though.
what would they do if the other one was hurt?:
Rick would enter psycho revenge mode and hunt down everyone who hurt Carol. He might focus too much on revenge or on protecting her if they still are in danger, what may make him sound emotionally distant or just a wild crazy psycho during the time being.
who kissed who first?:
Carol. Rick maybe kissed her cheek but Carol was the one who acted first when things really mattered.
who made the first move?:
Blunt first move, probably Carol. Subtle little moves, probably Rick. While Carol is very realistic and brave about her actions in my opinion, Rick can be a coward while trying to express them, and he's also very respectful about people's personal and mental spaces. He probably covered her at night with a blanket, rested close to her to rest and brought little gifts, took personal revenge against people who hurt her, but never anything direct or obvious.
who started the relationship?:
Both probably. I feel like Carol and Rick could sustain soft flirting and sexual tension for months and have fun with it. Probably when they matured their relationship enough both sat down and decided to make it serious / official. Regardless, he probably was very loyal to her since the beginning and would feel really hurt if he saw her with someone else, probably would get so jealous of Daryl etc. but he wouldn't be toxic to try and push Carol away from her other crushes, he would just become more distant and sad that he isn't special to her as she is to him. He doesn't want her to stop being free because of him, but the guy's heart got chained to her the moment they started the flirting. He's such a romantic demisexual in my opinion and would keep daydreaming about her.
@wexarethewalkingxdead
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aro-culture-is · 2 years
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hi im really confused about who i am and it makes me nervous so ive found this account. Firstly im dating with a guy for a while but every day im thinking that am i using him?? cause he always wants to do some romantic things but i do not and i wanna do what im doing with my friends and wanna do sexual things (also we’re doing it too) and thats the problem am i using him?? but when we do the things what friends do im getting happier but i cant want any romantic things in my relationship and i think i never want it idk im so confused…
hi!
being an aromantic person in any kind of relationship is not inherently "using" someone, manipulation, abuse, or anything of that ilk.
what I do think is important to acknowledge is that if your relationship is not comfortable for you, it's time to consider your boundaries and priorities. if you aren't comfortable, that means that communication needs to occur. my number one advice for communication in situations like these is:
SAFETY FIRST. Physical safety - if this conversation occurs, do you have genuine concern that you may experience physical assault or in any way be blocked from accessing essential things like food, drink, sleep, or living space? if ANY of those are yes, please consider that your number one priority. I start with this over the concept of emotional safety because there's a few caveats there: as someone with a history of trauma, I know I have to spend additional energy into confirming if my expectation for emotional hurt is realistic or trauma-informed.
From there: what are realistic expectations and boundaries to enforce. NOT just discuss. Enforce. If you aren't comfortable with romantic actions in your (romantic)-sexual relationship, a good start is redefining your relationship - it probably isn't realistic to continue a romantic relationship with someone if you don't want romance in your relationship. Some relationships can be redefined as romantic on one side and not on the other, but in all honesty, I don't get the impression from your ask that you are emotionally in a place where that is likely to be a realistic expectation. I don't see someone who is terrified that their identity makes them manipulative being able to enforce their boundaries consistently.
Support network setup: if you can, try to make sure you will have ways to handle your emotions following your conversations and boundary setting, no matter how it goes. Consider what helps you process your emotions - is it other friends, therapists, trusted adults? Is it a soothing activity like playing/listening to music, making food, or crafting in some form? Is it mentally stimulating activities that force you to take a break from the intensity of your feelings, like sudoku or other puzzles, reading, or physical activities?
Next: talking time! Use "I" statements - "I've noticed that I feel weird when we have romantic interactions." is WAY better than "When you do a romantic thing towards me, that feels bad." One owns your emotions and encourages listening, the other encourages a subtle sense of blame towards the other and is likely to make them defensive. Speak on your own emotions, and allow and encourage the other to speak to their own feelings as well.
Decompress and process. However that conversation went, let yourself feel it. If you're upset, you can think "I feel upset. When I feel upset, these things often help me to feel better." I would encourage thinking "I feel" rather than "I am", as it helps you to not identify yourself as a feeling. Thinking "I am sad" can encourage you to feel stuck in that emotion, rather than acknowledging an emotion as a state of being. You are allowed to feel, and you are allowed to chose what to do with that feeling.
Overall... everything will be okay. It might not feel like it right now, but you will be okay. Drink some water, eat a small snack, ad try to rest. You deserve to have healthy boundaries, and every day that you can establish them will help to improve your life. I wish you the best.
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fadinglights · 7 months
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💕 + yisoo/youngjo
send "💕" + a ship for me to fill out this. . . / accepting!
YISOO & YOUNGJO for @evocatiive
first details.
how did they meet? they're neighbours but they really got close after that night they went looking for the missing stray they'd been feeding
who flirted with who first? yisoo though it's taken them a Good While
was it love at first sight or a slowburn romance? slowburn :'>
did they start dating right away or were they friends before things became romantic? they're friends before! the mutual crush lasted for a good while until any of them dared to end the pretence
what was their first date? maybe it's that kbbq place yisoo made him promise to bring her to as compensation for tending to his injuries
who kissed who first? yisoo, probably at the heat of the moment cause she's done with his emotionally constipated ass
who started the relationship? i feel like they didn't have That talk until much later on, but it's clear that they've been exclusively seeing each other for a while. poor yisoo doesn't have much time to date between her work n her troublemaker neighbour </3
next steps & hardships.
monogamy or polyamory? monogamy  
are they/do they plan on getting married? they aren't thinking that much ahead tbh
who proposed? was it a yes or no? again, it's too early to tell and i don't think yisoo is someone who values the idea of marriage that much anyway, it's the idea of family that she innately yearns for
do they want kids? who brought it up first? yisoo has enough caring responsibilities already lol, but who knows, she might change her mind in five years
do they already have kids, together or from previous relationships? none that they know of
how often do they fight? what about? it's never that serious. she'll chastise him about the dangerous situations he gets into, he'll frown about how she's not taking care of herself well enough for someone who's always doing that for others
have they ever broken up? no, unless youngjo decides to pull a disappearing act out of panic at some point... i don't think he will though, they have a fur baby together after all <3333
messy breakup, amicable split, remain friends, ride or die or til death do us part? ride or die but let's hope none of them is actually going to...
sex.
in the bedroom - vanilla, a little spice, or kinky af? they can be spicy, though sometimes it's sweet and tender between them
for applicable ships - who tops/bottoms? youngjo tops most of the time, but ocasionally it's yisoo
for applicable ships - who is more dominant/submissive? depends on the day
what is their favourite sex position?  lotus or missionary, they like looking into each other's eyes during :'>
do either of them enjoy bringing sex toys into the bedroom? not often, but she's open to it
favourite place to have sex? her bedroom, though can you imagine mandu just being confused out by the door worried about his hoomans from the sounds they're making akdsadkhad
most adventurous place they’ve had sex? his car or a caravan cause i can see them taking a trip along the coast
do they do anything else in the bath/shower other than wash? how often? sometimes!! ok but... imagine them bathing together and yisoo just gently running her fingers over his scars 🥺
what are some of their favourite things about their partner sexually? i think yisoo likes how responsive he is.... god knows he's not like that with how he feels in other times, but i think he'll be trying more once they're a couple???
together. 
do they have any routines/rituals in their relationship? does her patching him up count? they're just looking after each other in their own way
how do they take care of each other when they are sick/hurt? definitely, yisoo is extremely nurturing by default and youngjo has grown to be so protective over her
who is the better dancer? she's not much of a dancer, but i still think yisoo is better lol
how do they like to spend time together? staying in, playing with their cat, watching movies, going to the farmers' market together, just cosy things
what are their favourite non-sexual forms of intimacy? casual physical intimacy, her head on his lap when she reads, his fingers casually playing with her hair when he's scrolling on his phone
what are some of their favourite things about their partner? she likes how strong he is and she doesn't mean his physique (which... she appreciates as well...), but how he's been through so much yet persists :>
how do they comfort the other when they are upset? hugs and warm meals
who buys the other spontaneous gifts? neither of them is a big shopper, but i think yisoo does it a bit more often
what position do they sleep in? maybe yisoo is the little spoon
what are their favourite things to do on date nights? movie dates, sometimes she takes him to things that she wants to do, ice-skating rinks, museums, bowling, karaoke etc, her interests are quite diverse
do they still go on dates after being together for a while? yes, but they're less planned but more done on a whim
what is their love language? yisoo's dominant one is definitely acts of service!! i think it's the same for youngjo too?
who’s a cat person and who’s a dog person? they are both cat person, though i can see yisoo loving dogs too, she just doesn't have the spare time to keep one tbh
who likes the outdoors more and who likes the indoors more? yisoo likes the outdoors and same for youngjo
who’s more social? yisoo, for sure, her social circle has grown smaller since she became a full-time nurse, but her colleagues and patients adore her
who makes the bed every morning? neither does, i think
who likes to keep the house cold and who likes to keep the house warm? they both like it warm
who takes longer getting ready? yisoo, but she doesn't take that long really
who likes scary movies and who likes funny ones? they like both, they probably judge the hell out of dumb horror characters n yisoo will fixate on things like 'no way, that can't kill him. there's no major artery there' haha
who screams when they see a bug and who ends up killing it? neither screams, but youngjo is more proactive in killing it whereas yisoo just avoids it lol
who is more technology challenged? youngjo
who would be more likely to burn something in the oven? youngjo
who talks in their sleep? yisoo does, but it's very rare
who leaves the cap off the toothpaste? youngjo probably and it irritates her a bit >:(
who likes getting dressed up more? none of them dress up often, but i think yisoo likes it more than he does
who’s better at tying ties? yisoo 
who recorded the answering machine message on the house phone? they just use their mobiles so there's no house phone message
who’s better at planning romantic things? yisoo, hopefully youngjo will catch up???
who takes up more space in the closet? yisoo, i think youngjo's wardrobe probably leans on the minimalist side
who has more of a sweet tooth? yisoo, she has a habit of stress eating lol, which she combats with buying (mostly) healthy snacks only
who drinks more often? youngjo. yisoo is mostly a social drinker.
who is most likely to laugh during a serious situation? neither does, i think, though it's a bit more likely for youngjo to do it than yisoo
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femmefatalevibe · 10 months
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I write to ask your opinion about something knowing you won't judge.
I'm in a long-distance relationship (5years) and lately I got used to the idea of being distant. I look other guys, I feel attraction but I don't get to flirt or anything with them, except one that I trust. With this guy I started flirting and having physical contact to the point he touched me (everywhere) but we didn't go further than that because I specifically said that we wouldn't have gone further than that AND he also said that it isn't right to even touch each others because apart the fact I'm in a relationship, he doesn't want our friendship to get ruined by this attraction (he thinks at some point i might get attached and get hurt because we can't be together for various reasons). On one hand i appreciate him stopping that for these reasons but on the other hand, now that he doesn't want us to get physical anymore I miss that and I feel like I wanted more. Of course I feel like I got attached because I'm always thinking of him so I guess I just need time to get over it. For him it's easier because he didn't got attached and he sees other girls. I know it's wrong and I shouldnt even think of him but what do you reckon? Is he right? If we kept getting physical would that have been even worse for me once I'm not seeing him anymore because our lives will take different paths in few months?
Hi love. I think the main issue you need to address is the fact you've emotionally checked out of your current long-distance relationship. You shouldn't want to flirt with other men in a relationship because you feel guilty, but because you genuinely don't want to be with anyone else. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I would have a serious chat about where your head is at with your current committed partner. If you don't see your feelings changing, it's time to amicably break up and move on.
Like you said above, you feel emotionally distant from your current LDR, which probably has you starving/strongly craving some sort of intimacy outlet – sexually, emotionally, or a bit of both. So, you might be overly attached to the idea of having that new exciting spark with someone and everything that comes along with it. You might like him for him or just the idea of anyone new who can reignite this side of you. Your friend could either just not want to get involved because he knows you two are not compatible long-term or because he senses that you're craving this connection more than any specific person at the moment.
Either way, I would end your LDR and allow your single, liberated self to help you navigate this dilemma. Feeling stifled romantically/sexually will cloud your judgment. Regaining the freedom to date/ hook up with whoever you please will likely temper this burning desire over time and allow your intuition to guide you to make less impulsive/more considerate decisions.
Hope this helps xx
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callmearcturus · 2 years
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About the sweet treats in ktowl, were green tokens ever supposed to escalate as much as they did? Because Caliborn seemed to think that they only involved kissing (although he’s not exactly the most knowledgeable source), and with the red tokens, despite how ridiculously horny Cronus is, nothing outright sexual happened. With Karkat, Dave was acting like neither of them had a choice, and I don’t think he’d deceive anyone like that, so are the rules for green and red tokens different? Or did I just miss something?
[nothing outright sexual happened]
I kind of thoroughly disagree with this assessment. That chapter is written in such a way to obfuscate the details as much as possible, but for Cronus, caliginous shit is romantic. He wants Dave as a partner in it. Just because he didn't put his bulge in Dave doesn't make it not sexual. Dave's entire MO with Cronus is to emotionally dissociate so Cronus doesn't get what he wants and hopefully gets bored and moves on. Dave knows that if he reacts at all, if he even starts to do anything Cronus can purposefully misconstrue as interest, Cronus will take it as a pitch solicitation. (He does as much when Dave lays into him in the elevator in early Act Two.)
Dave's thing with the green tokens is that he'd wildly prefer to get those than the red ones. He's trying to set up Karkat to dig getting green because, frankly, Dave thinks "oh karkat is a troll, trolls have that pitch romance thing, i don't want this to turn into Cronus 2, lemme make sure he bets on green every time." Dave, at that point, has no idea that Karkat is aquadromantic and that he wouldn't be interested in a red token like that-- or frankly that Karkat is just a Good Person and wouldn't do the shit Cronus does. He's only trying to protect himself. At that point, he doesn't know Karkat. He knows Cronus tho.
In short, Dave hates the red tokens and tries to make them as unsatisfying as possible. He's okay with the green tokens and even has fun sometimes and prefers to get those. He's in an untenable position and is trying to ensure he'll get hurt as little as possible, and it sucks.
One of the themes of KTOWL is this idea of... hm, phrasing. When you are locked in a system that is your enemy and you have to work to have very basic freedoms from it, are they worth the effort, do they count? Is there grace to digging your nails in and ripping concessions out of the thing that's crushing you? Think about Dave's room. Think about how it's the emotional hub of the story and is the 'safe place' narratively until Calliope walks in one day and reminds Dave he only has it because she allows it.
Perhaps the reason Dave was Calliope's favorite for so long was because he never stopped fighting, but the moment Calliope stopped having fun, she tried to take it all away.
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mannatea · 1 year
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Colloyd for the ask meme? 👀 Or Colette if rather that instead!
Both for you ma'am!
when I started shipping it if I did: Immediately, it was just so obvious right from the start.
my thoughts: I really enjoy their dynamic and think they play off of one another well. They're basically in sync when it comes to their ideals (which is what peak performance looks like). I love that the story lets us see how much Lloyd cares about Colette and gives him a satisfying emotional journey to go hand-in-hand with the plot beats that revolve around Colette. He's not just saving her on the journey, he's also growing, and while he's working at it he influences both old and new friends, sometimes to startling degrees. The best thing about this ship is how deeply entrenched in the world they were written, and by "world" I mean the physical world and the way they occupy the minds of the people they meet and influence along the way. They both have a noticeable impact on everyone around them, and it's really so cute that it's hard to think about one of these characters without also having your mind turn to the other.
what makes me happy about them: They both just have so much room in their hearts to love, both each other and others around them.
what makes me sad about them: Colette has spent her whole life keeping a secret from Lloyd and that had to have hurt so deeply to have to do, especially feeling that the sacrifice of her life would (in the end, anyway) be for a greater good. That she wants to make a better world for Lloyd to live in is peak tragedy. I love how the game mirrors this exact type of sacrifice with Raine specifically (someone who had been willing to sacrifice Colette, even for a world that hates and shuns her) and even more directly challenges Lloyd's ideals of never wanting to sacrifice anyone. Just. THE THEMES OF SACRIFICE that surround these characters and even the people they care about is just MWAH.
things done in fanfic that annoys me: Writing Lloyd as an emotionally shallow idiot is enough to make me want to flip a table. He's emotionally intelligent and oftentimes perceptive, too. (Something something this is important with regards to his relationship with Raine.) Also, Colette being a complete airhead is a crime against humanity.
things I look for in fanfic: Honestly I love the way childhood friends to lovers is done with these characters, and prefer for an author to lean into that than shy away from it. The way they've grown together and learned together, the new experiences they've shared—the firsts. I also like seeing the really casual intimacy of their friendship morph naturally into something romantic.
who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not (just) each other: I like Sheena x Colette a lot. Also, Lloyd x Genis eventually could be cute. Or Lloyd x Colette x Genis. Or Lloyd x Colette x Sheena. I'm not usually much of an OT3 shipper or anything but the character dynamics in this game are good enough to make me consider how fun they might be! I'm sure there are others I could go for, too.
My happily ever after for them: They get rid of most of the exspheres, retire to live a quiet life near their friends & family if possible, have a couple of children if they decide they want them, and when their children are grown continue seeking out exspheres when information reaches them. Looove the idea of Colette following in Raine's footsteps as a teacher, but especially for young children (her good nature and infinite patience would be sooo perfect for it) and Lloyd maybe doing crafting to make a living otherwise.
who is the big spoon/little spoon: Like obviously Lloyd as the big spoon is cute BUT let's be honest... Colette as big spoon? Superior choice.
what is their favorite non-sexual activity: Holding hands and watching the stars. ♥
& for Colette!
How I feel about this character: She's wonderful! She's not my favorite but I've always liked her well enough.
All the people I ship romantically with this character: Lloyd, and Sheena is such a cute secondary option I can't not put it here. Some of the Zelos x Colette art makes me 👀 but I haven't decided how I feel about romance with them yet. Also Genis goes on this list.
My non-romantic OTP relationship for this character: Her interactions with Regal are SO good, but I have to say Raine. That OVA scene where Raine brushes her hair delighted me beyond words.
My unpopular opinion about this character: I doubt I have an unpopular opinion about her. I just think she's a really great character who spent years in this fandom being bashed and unappreciated because "lol she's dumb" or whatever was going on in 2004 that I actively avoided. In 2023 I hope we all know she's an unproblematic angel and we all stan.
One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I very, very badly wanted more of her relationship with Phaidra and with Frank, especially after she doesn't have to be sacrificed. There should have been multiple cutscenes for that alone. I also feel ripped off that we never got a really serious conversation between Raine and Colette; I feel like Raine would have definitely apologized 1,000 times the second it was possible, but it's largely just...ignored that she knew the whole time and told no one. (Me, grumbling and kicking rocks, guess I have to write everything myself.)
my OTP: Lloyd/Colette will always be #1. The game sure wanted it to be, too LOL. That said, almost any ship with Colette is probably wonderful.
my cross over ship: I'll die before I ever have one of these.
a headcanon fact: She can drink most of the cast under the table. Also, as a bonus, I love imagining that in a Colloyd situation, she proposes to Lloyd.
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nimuetheseawitch · 1 year
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CharlesHawk and Charles for the asks.
Oh, Charles.
CharlesHawk| send me a ship and I will tell you:
when I started shipping it if I did: I've never actively shipped them, but if I did it would start with Sons and Bowlers.
my thoughts: I acknowledge that they have potential. I've read some excellent CharlesHawk fics, and I'm happy to read more. They're just not quite my thing. I do really like the idea of Charles leaving behind many of his Republican ways and making a life with Hawkeye.
What makes me happy about them: the balance. Hawkeye tears down Charles' walls and preconceptions, and Charles can really support Hawkeye emotionally and balance out some of his mania.
What makes me sad about them: the war. That's what I said about BJ and Hawkeye too, but it's true. I really don't think they'd be together without the incomprehensible losses and tragedies of war, and it makes me sad.
things done in fanfic that annoys me: I actually don't think anything I've seen in CharlesHawk fic annoys me. Oh, except for when one of them is using the other because they can't have someone else. If they're gonna be together, I want them to be invested in each other.
things I look for in fanfic: I mostly only read CharlesHawk based on recommendations, so I'm not actively looking for much. But I guess one of the things I really love to see is genuine mutual concern. There's one fic where they just start calling each other, and it's so sweet. I also enjoy adding Donna to the mix.
Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Hawkeye could end up with Trapper or BJ or alone or with someone not from canon. Charles I like with Donna.
My happily ever after for them: I don't really know. It just occurred to me that it would be really sweet if Hawkeye brought him back to music by way of musical theater. And putting on records and dancing. And eventually transitioning Charles back to classical once he can.
who is the big spoon/little spoon: Charles is the big spoon when Hawkeye has nightmares and Hawkeye is the big spoon when Charles does. They both need to be held.
what is their favorite non-sexual activity: ooh, I see them people-watching. Hawkeye making up stories about passersby to infuriate Charles until Charles finally gives in and makes up his own stories. This literally just occurred to me and would be so cute.
Charles| Give me a character & I will tell you
One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: I'm mostly content with how canon treated Charles. Maybe more Charles & Klinger interaction - they had so much potential as friends.
my OTP: Charles/Donna. I love that Donna fell for him when he "let his hair down" and they fell for each other a bit again when they had the chance.
my crossover ship: I'm terrible at crossover ships, so I have no idea. No one is good enough for Charles (I do love him).
a headcanon fact: I owe this to several fanfics out there, but Charles knows sign language and he and Honoria have sibling slang and sign snarky things across ballrooms during fundraisers.
How I feel about this character: I love him dearly for his character growth. I was drawn in by cribbage (it's a whole thing - cribbage on a floppy disc was literally my first computer game) and my love for him was cemented by Mahler. Although I wish he wouldn't play french horn - it hurts. His moments of learning are some of the best on the show. He comes so far. And DOS is brilliant. Also, his pranks are the best (both DOS and Charles).
All the people I ship romantically with this character: Donna, that french woman whose name I forget, and that's pretty much it. Although it would be hilarious if he were to meet Trapper back in Boston and reminisce about the 4077 and then start dating.
My non-romantic OTP for this character: I want so much more of his friendship with Klinger. He has a lot to learn from Klinger, and I just love that moment when Klinger lets him know that he knows what he did for the orphans in Death Takes a Holiday.
My unpopular opinion about this character: I have a really hard time with finding unpopular opinions - I think I just don't know what's popular/unpopular. I guess maybe that I don't think he's attractive?
Thanks for the ask! I don't think about Charles enough, so this was challenging and fun.
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spiraledfaun · 2 years
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I shouldn't stay up so late anymore while sober, because then I start missing people I had to leave for safety reasons. Or people who just... stopped texting one day even though we were friends for years, and started dodging my messages and calls. Or people who were part of my life for a season, but we've now lost touch.
And they're not coming back, and some of them wouldn't or shouldn't, but I notice their absence all the same. I don't like being alone. I fucking hate it. But I keep getting hurt every time I trust someone, and that's a shitty lesson to learn.
So I'm trying to... listen to myself. And stay safe. And build strong friendships based on mutual trust, and not one person giving more than the other. I'm trying to not use more energy than I physically, mentally, or emotionally have to give, like I used to.
But I'm also trying to be kind, and open, and honest. It is not always easy. I do not always succeed. I mean, anyone who says they have their life entirely figured out before turning 30 is full of shit, because life changes (fortunately or unfortunately, depending on who you are and where you're at).
If I could ask one thing of the universe, it'd be to just. Find someone who Gets It. And they don't just think they do, they actually do. That's such a tall order because no human is perfect, and it's not realistic to only accept someone who comes my way who has no room to grow. I'd be a fucking hypocrite. I'd be an asshole.
Being in a loving relationship isn't supposed to be this hard, right? I shouldn't expect to be ridiculed or forgotten or disbelieved, right? Just because I have friendship, romantic, and sexual trauma doesn't mean my neural pathways are just too fucked up to be loved or find love, right? I'm not... broken?
There's a song by Tom Odell, "Another Love", that I've covered and sung at cabarets and alone to echoes against the wall for years. The speaker laments that he wants to love, cry, laugh, fight, feel anything in this new relationship of his, with this person who is so precious to him, and he just... can't. He used up everything in his prior relationships, he got burnt out, his time was wasted, whatever.
For the writer of the song, his purpose was to speak to a girl that he wants to be with but can't because he's currently in a relationship. However, he's acknowledged that many listeners interpret it as talking about a past relationship, and that's the meaning it holds for me. That's what it means to me when I sing it.
I don't want to miss Someone because I was burnt out by people who did not care. Because I was so focused on making everyone but myself happy that I didn't have the energy to engage. And so I try to do everything I can to fix things, and I've even gone back to those who left, and been hurt again. Sometimes I fuck up at trying to fix things despite my (and occasionally, their) best efforts because we just aren't compatible, or our trauma overlaps, or whatever it is this time.
It is so terrifying to put yourself out there only to get hurt... But I also know that I fear being alone more than I fear getting hurt. I'm not done growing or learning. I will fuck up again. Hell, I'm an adult who's barely started the correct puberty. I can barely take care of my cat, let alone myself.
But I can't stop hoping that I'll find Someone. Or Someones. I have far too much love to give for that. A fucking hopeless grayromantic.
Maybe someday, I'll get there.
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electricea-archive · 2 years
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@coffee-stains-and-migraines​ sent -  sumire + ryuji for the in depth ship thing? 👀  ( In Depth Ships - Accepting! )
Ryuji & Sumire.
How did they meet?: He likely would have known of her when she first transferred but didn’t talk to her much until introduced to her by the Protagonist.
Who flirted with who first?: I could see him making remarks that sound flirty without realizing it, especially as he really respects that she’s a gymnast and an athlete in her own right.  As far as intentional flirting, it’d probably be Sumire.
Was it love at first sight or a slowburn romance?: I’d say a slow burn, there might be some initially early attraction on Ryuji’s part but I headcanon it as a bit of a fleeting crush before he gets to know her better.
Did they start dating right away or were they friends before things became romantic?: I honestly really like the idea of a friends to lovers type of deal.
What was their first date?: I could see it being Ryuji inviting Kasumi to train together and then dinner afterward - with them both being athletes, it feels very fitting.
What are their favourite things to do on date nights?: Train, offer training tips to each other, cuddle.
Do they still go on dates after being together for a while?: I think they’d definitely settle into a routine of familiar dates that they both enjoy.
What is their love language?: I could definitely see them doing their best to emotionally support each other and I feel like they’d be better at talking things out and supporting each other with their words, but there will always be an element of physical attraction too.
Who kissed who first?: I could see Ryuji initiating the first kiss - it’s one of those sudden first kisses that comes out of nowhere.
Who started the relationship?: I think it’d be something that they mutually talk about and agree to, together.
Monogamy or Polyamory?: Monogamy.
Are they/do they plan on getting married?: They’re still high school students, so it’s nothing something that really comes up.
Who proposed? Was it a yes or no?: Probably Ryuji - and I’d like to think that Sumire would say yes, it’d definitely make him happy.
Do they want kids? Who brought it up first?: Ryuji would probably like the idea of kids, but he’d be willing to respect Sumire’s wishes.
Do they already have kids, together or from previous relationships?: None that I’m aware of.
Do they have any routines/rituals in their relationship?: I like to think that they’d have morning and after-school training sessions together.  Maybe gymnastics/stretching in the morning and running after school.
How do they take care of each other when they are sick/hurt?: Ryuji would be very doting to Kasumi, trying to get her everything she needs in his own clumsy way.
How do they like to spend time together?: Training together, eating out together - I think in general they’d just enjoy each others’ company.
What are their favourite non-sexual forms of intimacy?: Ryuji loves to hug her from behind.
What are some of their favourite things about their partner?: He already respects that she’s a dedicated gymnast so I think he’d immediately recognize her discipline and strength but I think he’d also just find her really endearing and cute, especially when helping out the Phantom Thieves.
How do they comfort the other when they are upset?: He would take her to one of their special training spots and just hold her until she’s ready to talk.
Who buys the other spontaneous gifts?: Both of them, I think!
What position do they sleep in?: Ryuji sleeping on his side, holding her from behind.
Do they bathe/shower together?: After a certain amount of time and if they get into the habit of spending the night together.
Do they do anything else in the bath/shower other than wash?: I could see them playfully washing or tousling each other’s hair.
In the bedroom - Vanilla, a little spice, or kinky af?
For applicable ships - who tops/bottoms?
For applicable ships - who is more dominant/submissive?
What is their favourite sex position?
Do either of them enjoy bringing sex toys into the bedroom?
Favourite place to have sex?
Most adventurous place they’ve had sex?
How often do they fight? What about?: I don’t imagine them fighting much, but it’s probably over serious issues, like maybe if one of them gets hurt defending the other one.
Have they ever broken up?: I’m honestly not sure - I’ve never gotten to write their dynamic as a ship so I honestly can’t say.
Messy breakup, amicable split, remain friends, ride or die or til death do us part?: I’d like to think they remain friends, amicable exes, or ride or die.
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neet-wifey · 1 month
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I feel like i'm 15/16 again on Amino writing about how lonely i felt and just overall venting. Crying all the time and feeling like shit because i felt like every online friend of mine had their little someone who loved them (romantically) and i was basicly alone/unloved. I feel like i'm that girl again doing the exact same shit and seeing how things just don't change for her.
Now that i look at everything else, how did i get this fucked? How did i manage to become this fucking pathetic and sad? Why did i let everything happen in the first place, what did i do wrong? I feel like everyone can see the good in me but i myself know best that i can be the lamest piece of shit, the most unironically pathetic NEET that just failed at being a normal human being.
I feel like i've always been this sad and pathetic but i avoided to notice that, that i've always been "that friend" that dosen't exist within the group. The one that's "too emotional" and just an overall burden. Maybe that's why i feel so socially awkward nowadays. I'm not even capable of playing videogames with them so there's no way i can bond with them either.
I think that, beyond kink and sexualization, i am genuinely a fucked and pitifull person. It's so bad it's no longer a joke, it dosen't even turn me on. It just makes me feel so sad.
Sometimes i wonder who i would of been if i didin't make the decisions i made when i was 13, if things didin't fail, if i hadn't become THIS person. I wonder what i could of done if i didin't give up on drawing, if i didin't base my success on the number of notes i recieved. If i just wasn't myself.
I remember having a whole phase in my life when i was 17, where some of my online friends (the closest ones which weren't many but still) pointed out that i was a little 'weird.' That initially hurt me, because the less i wanted to do was stand out. However, after some emotional chaos in my life i started to embrace it, but at the same time i was confused about what exacly made me weird. I figured, it may be the way i talk/interact with my online friends.
Nowadays, i truly, truly feel weird. My self-perception is fucked because i'll never stop feeling like a freak for becoming the person i've became. I don't just feel like a weirdo, i feel like a fucking gross freak. Currently i don't know what i'm becoming, i don't know if it's something good or something that will just make it worse. What if my self-expression is ultimately making me further of an outcast than i actually believe? I just feel bad about everything about this.
I don't know man. I can't talk about this to anyone, it's too personal and i feel like unless you've known me these past 7/8 years nobody would really grasp how much this affects me emotionally. It's been a snowball falling off of a cliff into an abyss for a really, really long time.
I don't remember a single moment in these 7-8 years were my life has made me feel great, or like, there was a specific phase in my life where i was genuinely happy with someone or life itself. Being a teenager literally ruined my life. It ruined every piece of genuine happiness and tranquility i had previously before. I know it was probably the fact that i was just a kid, not worrying about anything in the world, but it still feels unfair how ever since i turned 12 shit fell down the drain. Nothing ever felt the same. Shit just kept happening and ever since then nothing was truly stable, nothing was tranquil. Something woke up when i was 13 and it never went away, it never faced the other side. Like a never-ending cycle. Even what i'm doing right now is just perpetuating that same cycle, it never fucking ends.
I want to be all spiritual and say: I don't care about the outside world because i already have all of my manifestations from within. But times like these make it so fucking difficult to be like: oh i don't care!!! No, my life sucks. It sucks fucking ass. People my age are studying right now and i am just. Sucking. Ass. Doing nothing for this society.
I hope, from the bottom of my heart. That this changes for the better, because i literally have no more tears to spill about my situation. I just feel the aching sadness and pain, the knot inside my throat, but no tears. None. I hate it here.
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