#I need to get to sleep. Ive gotten a little more emotional over one song than I'd rather regularly be. Give it a listen maybe? Goodnight | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kiriluvbot · 3 years

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lvr boy

todoroki has a rough day, and sero attempts to make him feel better. both boys figure out that distractions aren’t always the answer to emotional distress.

—

han !!: hey shou i saw u leave dinner early are u ok?

shou <3: yeah, just a bit drained. sorry i left without saying anything.

han !!: hun u don’t need to apologize, i jus wanna make sure ur doin ok !!

han !!: is there anything i can do?

shou <3: come over ?

han !!: u bet, On my way!

han !!: ive got an idea to cheer u up bb

and that’s how hanta sero got to be hanging from his tape on the rafters directly outside shouto todoroki’s room, over his balcony.

han !!: i’m outside <3

don’t ask him how the physics works; he doesn’t know either. hanta imagined what it must be like to be the fictional american hero, spiderman, and tried to stick his tape from the most secure place on the roof and dangled downward, getting into position as fast as he could so he’d be ready when shouto peeled open the door leading to his balcony.

except he hadn’t exactly said he would be on the balcony.

and it’s cold outside. hanta shivers as a rush of wind sends him waving like a flag outside shouto’s room. he feels more and more ridiculous the longer he sits—dangles?— here, with all the blood rushing to his head. what's taking shouto so long?

inside, shouto is peering into the hall, looking for a familiar head of dark hair. he’s tired. he needs hanta to be able to properly recharge. he misses hanta. he sort of wants to cry, sort of wants to melt into the floor, sort of wants hanta to sweep him up and make him forget everything else in the world.

he frowns when he finds no one outside his door. “hanta?”

where is he?

shouto glances over his shoulder, at the doors leading to his balcony, at the thick curtains blocking out the moonlight.

surely not...

but it’s hanta, and he had said he’d be outside. hanta comes up with the craziest ideas sometimes. but how could he have gotten out there?

shouto shakes his head once, crosses the room with apprehension. pulling back the curtain, shouto nearly jumps out of his skin at the sight of hanta sero outside his door, hanging upside down with a tight grip on his tape, the widest, goofiest smile on his face.

shouto slides open the door, the rush of cool wind sending goosebumps crawling over his skin. even being this close to hanta makes him stand up a little taller, already absorbing energy to start recharging. he’s a magnet. hanta is a ball of pure, unhinged light and love. hanta is a source of comfort, a place to come home to. shouto can’t stop his growing smile as it mirrors hanta’s own.

“there you are,” shouto breathes. that overwhelming weight that just kept building through the day starts to lay off, little by little.

“how’s this for a surprise?” hanta’s waving a bit in the wind. his cheeks, nose, and ears are dusted pink. inky black hair waves with him, curling at the ends. his eyes are dark pools full of stars, full of adoration, full of mischief.

shouto could—should—kiss him.

“i’m always surprised with you, hanta,” shouto says, laughing lightly as he steps out of his room, bare feet on the wood of the balcony. they’re close to eye level, and shouto raises his hands, almost unsure, and presses them to hanta’s grinning cheeks.

“gotta keep my boy on his toes, you know?” hanta tries to lean in the closer shouto gets like a moth to a flame, curious eyes searching shouto’s face for any tells of fatigue, of sickness, of sadness. he only finds sleepy awe. “gotta change things up every now and then.”

the two toned boy plants a ghost of a kiss to hanta’s forehead. it’s not enough. “this must be a spiderman thing,” shouto muses. “i know how much you like that guy.”

“naturally. he’s the coolest,” hanta giggles at that, and shouto’s fractured heart starts to mend. his cracked facade from spending the whole day strung out, anxious for nothing, begins to crumble at his feet. hanta has a knack for pulling shouto completely apart, for piecing him wholly together, for taking the pressure off shouto’s shoulders, even if it’s just for a little while.

“i remember the movie we watched together,” shouto hums, thumbs grazing over hanta’s cheekbones. “there was a scene similar to this, right?”

hanta’s skin burns under his fingers. shouto watches his adam’s apple dip as he swallows. “something like it, yeah.”

shouto meets his eye, recognizes that mischievous look flickering over his features. he chases the light, takes in every single detail of hanta’s face, every detail he has memorized like constellations at this point, every detail he wants to place a kiss to, every detail he never gets tired of.

then, shouto gets on his tippy toes and tilts forward, holding hanta’s face, and kisses his lover boy, slow and sweet. it’s strange kissing someone upside down, but hanta kisses him back like he’s been anxiously waiting for it to come, like he’ll never get enough.

it’s not enough.

when shouto pulls back, hanta is smiling again, dizzy and red faced. in a single, fluid movement, hanta flips and releases the hold on his tape. he lands, steady on his feet in front of shouto, wind blown hair framing his face like a priceless painting. his grin, his pure, radiating joy and goodness outshines the moon, as if the sun instead resides inside his chest.

he’s too good for me.

hanta’s eyes widen as shouto takes his reddening hands and kisses those, too. kisses his palms. his knuckles. shouto has always loved hanta’s hands; clever and sneaky hands, sure and gentle hands.

he knows the patterns of hanta’s hands like the back of his own, knows the life lines, the callouses, the old scar between his middle and pointer finger knuckles. he knows the pattern of all his moles and freckles and the way they creep up his arms, up his neck, down his chest like a fairy danced to their favorite song over his skin.

after a sharp intake of breath, hanta asks, “are you alright, shou?”

not really. i’m asking for a distraction. do you think a distraction will make it all go away? all this pressure on my chest?

the sincerity of his voice causes shouto to stop in his tracks.

i didn't sleep well at all. i had a nightmare about failing the hero course. i was late to class.

he looks up, blue and gray falling on gravitational black.

i got a 60 on our history test today and i locked myself in the bathroom for three minutes trying to remind myself it’s just one single test.

hanta’s smile is dipping.

bakugo was yelling more than usual. aizawa and iida both told me i was off my game. i spilled my drink in my lap at lunch.

he grips shouto’s fingers and pulls him closer. always closer.

i had to cancel my plans with my mom this friday to retake the test i bombed. i cried after we got off the phone.

shouto has to tilt his head up. hanta sure has gotten tall.

he feels childish trying to explain why literally nothing had gone his way today, why every small thing made him want to curl up and cry for hours. “just—today was a bit overwhelming. everything going wrong and getting too loud, you know? but i’m feeling better.”

now that you’re here.

when hanta leans into his space again, shouto unconsciously warms up the air around them.

“do you wanna talk about it?”

my coffee spilled over the edge of the cup this morning and hurt my fingers and i had to sit on the floor for six and a half minutes trying to suck the tears back into my eyes.

“not really,” shouto answers. it’s not a lie.

“you’re sure?”

his breath is warm on shouto’s face, eyes wide and sincere.

“i’m sure.”

if we talk about it i’m almost certain i’ll cry again.

hanta seems to buy it. his lip ticks upward just a notch. that curiosity turns sly as he releases shouto from his hold, as his hands dance up and over the shorter boy’s shoulders, over his shoulder blades, down his spine.

“totally sure?”

the space between is no space and too much all at once. it’s not enough.

“absolutely sure.” just kiss me already, you maniac.

finally, finally, hanta’s lips find his own, right side up and certain. stars explode in shouto’s chest, behind his eyes. supernova as his fingers dip into hanta’s hair, as he melts under the attention and contact, on his tippy toes.

all too soon, hanta pulls back, humming all the while. shouto nearly pouts at the loss until hanta dips down, those searching hands taking shouto’s thighs.

oh.

the smaller boy squeaks, though he’ll always deny it later, as hanta picks him up and wraps shouto’s legs around his waist.

oh.

he’s… carrying him.

this is new.

“we’re goin’ inside,” is the only explanation hanta offers. his head whips back up in a flurry of glittering hair and a puckish grin. always glittering. always grinning.

shouto holds on tightly, arms around around hanta’s shoulders. he keeps his mouth shut for fear of saying something completely stupid. hanta is talking, though shouto’s been too focused on the muscles of his back beneath his hands to really know what he said. his chin presses into shouto’s collar. shouto wishes it were his lips instead. god.

still holding on to shouto, with those goddamn hands on shouto’s thighs—i’m gonna die—hanta shuts the door and closes the curtain like he’s seen shouto do a thousand times during his nightly shut in routine. shouto considers asking to be let down but—but his hands on his thighs—i’m gonna die, i’m gonna die, this is where it ends—

hanta’s shampoo smells like grapefruit. his hair brushes shouto’s cheek. he wants to bury his face in it, wants to move it to the side and explore every freckle dusting his smooth skin, wants to kiss every single place he can reach—good god, he’s gonna die.

then, incredibly, horribly, boldly, hanta sits at the edge of shouto’s bed. he readjusts so shouto is sitting properly in his lap, legs still wrapped around his waist. those goddamn hands slide down the sides of shouto’s thighs, over the fabric of his pajama shorts, just barely grazing exposed skin, like hanta knows. shouto lifts his head from the crook in hanta’s neck to finally get a good look at him in this soft lighting.

hanta’s cheeks are still painted pink.

there’s so much contact. broad shoulders beneath his hands. solid chest if he drags his hands down. narrow waist if he goes even further, strong abs from swinging through the air and keeping his balance. his hands on shouto’s thighs.

any and all rational thoughts shouto may have had exit stage right.

“this okay?” he asks.

shouto responds with a single nod of his head. he’s distracted, alright.

that’s a good enough answer for hanta. the raven haired boy pressed forward once again, closing the gap, aiming for shouto’s lips but landing right next to them. shouto can feel his smile against his skin. his chest is tight, his fingers subconsciously twisting the ends of hanta’s wavy hair.

everything slows down.

“there’s a dimple here when you smile, you know?” hanta murmurs, a cold pointer finger tapping the spot just to the left of his mouth. he kisses that spot. it’s horribly and surprisingly tender, plucking shouto’s weakened heart strings. “have i ever told you how much i love that dimple?”

“i don’t think so.” his head tilts back.

his lips dip beneath shouto’s jaw. “what about this? surely i’ve told you how much i love this.” his kiss is warm, his laughter tickling as he says, “the freckles here look like the little dipper.”

shouto’s eyes flutter closed as lips press under his ear.

“the little dipper, hm?”

hanta hums and shouto can feel it vibrate through his chest. he pulls back a bit, brings shouto’s scarred hero-in-training hands up to his lips and kisses all ten fingers, all ten knuckles, slowly, making sure not to skip a single one.

“and your hands,” hanta murmurs, thumb rubbing circles on the soft part of shouto’s palm. “i love how capable and powerful they are, how you can create and destroy, how you still choose to be gentle.” a kiss touches down on his right palm, a strike through his heart. the sweetness makes shouto’s teeth ache.

there’s a smirk in his voice when hanta speaks again. “and these,” he says, breath startling warm and close to shouto’s collarbones, peeking out of his t-shirt. fingers dip into the fabric, pulling down just a bit. shouto sucks in a breath as lips land true on the bone. “always wanted to kiss you here, you know?”

what took you so long to do it?!

the part of shouto’s brain that was working to create coherent thoughts is in system shut down mode. he basks under the attention, under the light, under the worship of hanta sero, of his boyfriend, of his best friend. he basks and he melts, completely unsure of how to take it, how to accept it.

“and this—“ there’s a small birthmark at the very base of shouto’s neck hanta has wanted to kiss since they were first years. so he does. “love this here.”

every single bit of you, shouto todoroki.

there’s a pause that makes shouto open his eyes and search for hanta.

the taller boy could carry on all night, reaching out for every small inch of shouto todoroki that he’s in love with and explaining exactly why he loves each minuscule detail of it, but he pauses.

shouto’s brows dip, hesitant.

hanta came here to make sure he was okay.

he holds the gaze of the boy in his lap, of the boy he’s loved since he was fifteen, of the boy he’ll love until he passes on from this world to the next. there’s a blurry daze in his blue and gray eyes, but an ever deeper exhaustion pulls at all his edges. hanta can sweep shouto off his feet left and right, tell him all these lovely things and kiss him until he can’t see straight, but those things are merely temporary distractions.

i’m alright, i promise.

he tilts his head, and his smile is almost sad.

you’re not alright, i saw it in the way you tapped your foot in class, the way you pressed your icy fingers into your forehead, the way you avoided your table at lunch. i saw it in the way you were completely silent during practice, the way you wouldn’t engage in banter with bakugo, the way you couldn’t seem to sit still at dinner. i saw it in the way you left early, in the hectic, cracked state you were in when i got here, when you opened the door.

“hanta?” his voice cracks. shouto thinks, i don't deserve this affection. this appreciation. not from someone as good as you. you deserve—someone who isn’t ready to sob when you tell him you love something about him. hanta—

hanta presses his hand flat against shouto’s chest—no, his heart. he sees the way shouto chews on the inside of his cheek, the way his multicolored lashes flutter.

“i love you here, shouto,” hanta says. “when everything is too much and too loud. when you feel like nothing is going your way, when a split coffee cup feels like the end of the world.”

shouto’s lip purses, blinking furiously. his hands twist into the front of hanta’s shirt as the smaller boy falls forward, collapsing onto hanta’s shoulder with little grace.

“‘m sorry,” is the only thing shouto can muster.

hanta wraps an arm around him, pulls him as close as they can get. his lips press to shouto’s temple, to the stray strands of ruby locks there. “you don’t need to apologize, shou.” his shirt collar is wet. “sometimes… sometimes you just need to talk, you know? you need to let it out instead of leaving it unchecked.”

shouto’s heart pounds against hanta’s chest.

“you asked for a distraction. i should be saying sorry for getting all sappy,” hanta kisses his temple again, feels shouto’s shoulders begin to shake.

shouto laughs at that, small and weak and breathless. i needed to hear it. more than i thought i did. more than you know.

in truth, today isn’t the only awful day the two toned boy has had recently. it’s been every single day, one after the other, but he refused to acknowledge how tired and just plain sad he felt. he thought that if he pulled hanta into his bedroom and closed his eyes, it would go away with time.

and then the coffee burnt his fingers this morning.

that was the final shove. the final push to send shouto hurtling over the edge, stressed and strung out and overwhelmed. he just needs a break. a healthy, peaceful break that doesn’t involve reaching too far or doing something he might regret. he needs to plug in and recharge, to lay it all out on the table and sort through his troubles, to piece himself back together and get back to normal.

hanta hugs him tighter.

and now his resolve and control is cracking and spilling out, through his veins and his bones, through his heart and his eyes. he holds onto hanta like his life depends on it, letting it all out, finally giving in, finally letting go. distraction wasn’t the answer; he could only forget for so long, as more things piled on until it crushed him.

sometimes the world is too much, too loud.

shouto cries into hanta’s shoulder until there's nothing left. until he feels at peace. until he falls asleep in hanta’s arms.

he dreams of hanta with cherry blossoms in his hair, that same glittering grin on his face.

—

*drops this and runs a thousand miles in the other direction”

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29825064

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perseusjackson-jasongrace · 4 years

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Empires on the Horizon IV

Jason is a CEO: Part IV

Here’s my masterlist for the next part and my other stuff

new beginnings

look fragile

like glass

but when grabbed

sparkle

like diamonds

-badpoetry

“Good morning Mr Grace,” Grover Underwood smiled from his usual spot behind the coffee machine.

“Morning, how are you?”

“Much happier for seeing you less like someone kicked your puppy,” He gave Jason a knowing look.

“How?”

“There are some things the brain cannot hide, matters of the heart are often one of them.”

He didn’t really have any reply to that, so he gave the man an awkward smile and shrugged.

“Your usual then?”

“Yes please, and an iced coffee for Hazel.”

“Ah where is the darling this morning?”

“She’s coming into the office later, something about needing to go home first? She must have stayed at a friend’s place.”

Grover raised a dark brow, “Mhmm and where is your driver this morning? I noticed you drove yourself in today.”

“Uh I think Frank took the day off,” He frowned trying to piece the conversation he’d had with his friend in his sleep-deprived brain.

“Oh interesting,” Grover’s chocolate brown eyes twinkled in amusement, but before Jason could question him a warm cup was being shoved into his hand and he was being ushered away to wait for the iced coffee.

Collapsing into a chair, he pushed his glasses up his nose and wrapped his scarf tighter around his neck. Winter was beautiful but gods it was cold. He glanced around the café taking in the familiar forest green walls and dark wood floors. There was no sun streaming through the windows today so the gold accents on the tables were dulled and dark, like hidden bronze. He traced his fingers around the edge of his cup, losing himself in the motion, in the feeling of heat on his cold fingers, in the small gusts of wind against his cheeks as the door opened and closed, in the noise of a bustling store, in the–

“Hello Jason,”

“Luke,” He took a deep breath, “Fuck off.”

“Aw don’t be like that,” He sniggered.

“Please Luke, I don’t have the energy for this right now,” Exhaustion was a thousand-ton weight on his bones.

“That’s your problem Jason you never wanted to take things head on. It was always let’s wait for this, let’s get their opinion first, let’s just give it a couple weeks. You could have had the world begging at your fingertips if you just went for what you wanted.”

“Are you done?”

Luke’s responding laugh was malicious, “You are so-“

“Leave.” His voice was stone.

His ex-boyfriend scoffed, “Pathetic.”

Jason watched as the face he had been so in love with sneered at him, the scar running down a pale cheek twisting into malice. His soul ached for what could have been, it burned for what now was. It always surprised him how drained he felt after every interaction with Luke- like crashing down from a potent high. Being with Luke was a high, was euphoria and hope and sin. What the fuck went wrong?

His phone buzzed in his pocket.

“Talk to me,”

“Why do you insist on answering the phone like you’re some sort of mafia boss?” His sister grumbled.

“Hello to you too Thalia,”

“I just wanted to let you know that I’ve set you up on a date tonight. Six-thirty at Sun and Songs.”

He groaned, “No. I am not in the mood.”

“Jason Grace,” She started; he could feel a rant coming on, “You cannot stop living your life because you have a wanker of an ex-boyfriend. You have been in a slump since Luke and it is affecting you in ways you’re too scared to admit.”

“It is not affecting me,” He was tired of having this fight, “I literally dated Piper for like three months.”

“Mhm and were you happy? Did you put all you could into the relationship?” She didn’t wait for his response, “No, you may have been a little happier, but you weren’t you. So you will go on this date tonight and in five years when we’re planning your wedding you better be thanking me in your speech.”

“Gods Thals,” He snorted, “We haven’t even gone on the date yet and you’re already planning a wedding?”

“Wait does that mean you agree to it?” She squealed through the phone.

“Yes loser,” He held in a laugh, “I’ll go on the date. But if it doesn’t work out you drop all of this. No more setting me up, no more interfering.”

“Yes sir. Now, how work’s going?”

“Besides the fact that Project Hestia is on hold because of this stupid contract everything is good.”

“Isn’t your fancy lawyer lady sorting it out?” She muttered.

“Reyna is a great lawyer and you know it.”

“Yea but she’s also my ex-girlfriend so I get to be a little resentful.”

He snorted at that, “Of course, and how are you?”

“I’m good. The Conservatory is still standing so I can’t be doing too many things wrong.”

“Didn’t you guys get cheetah cubs this weekend?”

“Oh Jase!” His sister cried, “They are just the absolute cutest things. Did you know cheetahs are so shy that some conservationists and wild-life biologists recommend giving them emotional support puppies?”

“So what you guys got puppies and cubs?”

“We haven’t got the puppies yet; they’re only arriving this week.”

“Well send me pictures when they’re together, maybe I’ll have them framed and hung around the office as a morale booster.”

She laughed, the sound crackly through the speaker, “Will do little bro. Listen I have to go but call me tomorrow to tell me about the date.”

“Wait!” He yelled, ignoring the weird looks from the café patrons as he walked out, “What’s her name?”

“Zoe.”

***

Jason was nervous. That was the only explanation for his shaky hands and the zoo of creatures in his stomach. He had gotten to Suns and Songs fifteen minutes early with a lavender and daisy bouquet in hand. The restaurant his sister had reserved was nothing short of incredible. Dark maroon draped over each table, and opulent candelabras sat in the center, lit only if the table was occupied. Glass and crystal chandeliers swung slowly from the high wooden beams, catching on the light and making a kaleidoscope of the room. Even the way the air smelt was decadent here. Like wood smoke and perfume, some hint of chocolate, maybe. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but he wanted to bottle the scent and bathe himself in it. Trying not to be suspicious he took another deep breath in; it calmed his nerves if nothing else.

“Mr Grace?” someone put a soft hand on his shoulder, “Your guest,”

He thanked the waitress, getting up to greet his date and pull out her chair. He tried to muffle his gasp when he finally turned to her. She was stunning. Midnight skin contrasting elegantly with the pastel yellow dress she wore. Braids intertwined with glittering strands; it cast a pale silver halo around her head. Small hoop earrings glinted as she moved, and the bracelets at her wrist clinked gently when they shook hands.

“Hi, Jason Grace,” He smiled.

“Zoe Nightshade.” She flashed beautiful white teeth.

He handed her the flowers, “You look unbelievable.” He truly was in awe of her.

“Thank you,” Her smile was soft, but her voice was crisp and direct, “And these are gorgeous.”

“Would you like to order drinks?”

They scanned the menu quickly; Zoe ordered a cocktail he hadn’t heard of and he ordered the first thing he saw that didn’t have tequila in it.

“So,” He asked, and then cringed at himself internally. Starting any conversation with so was bound to make it awkward.

He cleared his throat, “How do you know Thalia?”

“We work together at the Conservatory. I moved here a couple months ago because I got transferred from the wildlife center in Germany.”

Jason didn’t know what but something about her voice made his insides melt. She said everything so undiplomatically– like if it wasn’t a fact it wasn’t worth uttering.

“Oh that’s cool. What do you do?”

“I’m a veterinarian. You?”

“Well I was a structural engineer but somehow over the years I got roped into being a town and regional planner.”

She frowned, tilting her head assessingly, “You did not finish your engineering degree?”

“Oh no I finished and got my masters in structural but then I started my company and I realised I needed other qualifications to run it the way I wanted to so I had to go back and get a degree in urban and regional planning. By the end I felt like I had been studying since the dawn of time.”

She laughed at that, and a look of surprise crossed her face, as if it was as unexpected to her as it was to him. “I know how you feel. I love animals and I’m passionate about my work but when I was done studying, I vowed never to go back. Studying for seven years after school and then trying to do it all over again feels like a one-way ticket to the end of the road.”

He mirrored her smile, “How did you get into veterinary sciences anyway?”

“My father was always busy, and my sisters were… interested in anything that could make them more beautiful, or richer. So I was pretty alone for most of my childhood. At some stage I convinced my father to get me a dog, Ladon. We were inseparable. But he got hurt when this man,“ She said it with such disgust he almost flinched. “This man hurt him. Kicked Little Ladon out the way when he was just trying to say hello. We had to take him to the vet, and I remember them being so sweet and kind to my dog and I knew I wanted to be exactly like that when I grew up.”

“Any chance you know where this man is so we can kick his ass?”

She laughed, raspy and bursting, “Don’t worry little eleven-year-old me kicked Mr Alcides as hard as I could in the shins.”

“Good,” he nodded with conviction, “He deserved more but you found your passion so there is some balance.”

She hid her grin behind a sip from her drink.

“Sir, ma’am,” Their waitress stepped to their table, “Would you like to order?”

Hours later, cheeks flushed from the liquor, laughing over Thalia’s antics and their shared need for structure, they finally decided to call the dinner to an end.

“The focaccia was to die for,” Zoe groaned, patting her stomach.

“Honestly, I may have to marry the pasta.” He sighed contentedly.

She giggled, and he knew it was a rare thing for her because her face caught that surprised look again.

“Want to grab dessert?”

“Oh gods no,” She shook her head in alarm, and then frowned as the realisation of what that meant washed through her.

“I had a really great time tonight,” He started softly.

“Do you want to walk to the park? We can stop and have gelato?” Her dark eyes were full of nervous hope.

He blinked at her, a little shocked she wanted to continue the date, “I thought you didn’t want dessert?” He teased.

“Maybe the walk will burn off some of these calories and i’ll have space for a little ice-cream.” She scunched her nose.

He knew the gelato was just an excuse, so with a grin that lit up his whole face he grabbed her hand and nodded, “Let’s do it Miss Nightshade.”

Her face glowed with relief and enthusiasm as they tucked their chairs in and exited the restaurant.

“Tell me about your family. How come you weren’t interested in the rich side of life like your sisters?”

“I guess being the youngest kind of made it all seem pointless. I had seen what happened when their vanity became malicious and I didn’t ever want to turn into something I couldn’t recognise. I went to stay with my Aunt Diana through high school. She owned a bird sanctuary. That’s where I interned in my college years.”

“Wow,” He looked down to her, awe evident in his face, “And it didn’t bother you to be so far away from your father and sisters?”

“Honestly, I’m not even sure they noticed when I left.” She shrugged, “It was a long time ago. I really only see them for family functions now.”

“And your aunt?”

“She still has the bird sanctuary, but she mostly works in the background now. My cousins, Bianca and Phoebe, run it full time.”

“Do you miss it? Were you guys close?”

“Much closer than my sisters and I. I do miss them, but I definitely can’t say I miss the sanctuary. Some of those birds were evil.”

Just then a loud squawk came from above them. She scowled at the sky, “I’m talking about you Auretta.”

He tried to hold in a laugh but Zoe stuck out her tongue childishly and they both bent over in laughter.

“Maybe we shouldn’t hurl insults while we’re out in the open.” He managed to gasp.

“Good thing the gelato shop is right there.” She grinned, grabbing his hand and sprinting towards the small, illuminated store at the end of the cobbled street. Her dress shimmered, moved like rays of light. She looked like a star.

“Come on,” She yelled, tugging at his hand harder.

‘Alright, alright,” He snapped out of his admiration and let her lead him into the shop.

“Hi, what can I get you?”

“Want to share?”

“Sure, you choose,” He waved a hand towards the abundance of flavours behind the glass.

“Please can we have one scoop of chocolate, one scoop of vanilla and,” Her brow furrowed as she scanned the tags, “And one scoop of cookie crumble.”

“Why did I think you were a sorbet girl?”

“Sorbet in the summer, anything else for the rest of the year.” She said matter of factly.

He nodded solemnly, “Yes makes sense.”

She swatted his arm, grabbing the cone from the lady with a thank you, “Gods I feel like a teenager again,”

“I know what you mean,” Her excitement was infectious.

“I have to ask,” She swallowed a chunk of cookie crumble, “What on earth were you thinking when you decided to eat a stapler?”

Jason groaned, “Why did Thalia tell you that? She swore she wouldn’t tell anyone and if asked I would say I fell off my bike or something.”

Zoe giggled, “Come on, spill.”

“Okay, first of all I was two,” He sighed, embarrassment heating his cheeks, “And it was shiny, and it made a cool clicking noise, and I wanted to know what it tasted like.”

“I can just picture a little Jason crawling onto the kitchen counter and trying to bite down on a stapler.” She teased.

“Yes well now I have this scar,” He pointed to his upper lip, rolling his eyes.

“Battle scars. Very worthy.”

He shoved at her shoulder lightly and they dissolved into laughter once more.

It was almost midnight by the time he had dropped her off at home and stepped into his apartment. He looked at his phone to see a couple work messages, and something from Hazel– things he could reply to in the morning he decided, tugging off his tie and discarding his clothes as he walked to his room. He was asleep before his head hit the pillow, his phone still glaringly bright and open on the chat with his sister.

You were right. We’re going on a second date.

-----------------------------------------------------

Grover is like some other worldy deity that spews life lessons every time they meet and i am so here for it! Anyway what y’all saying??? How are we feeling?

Tags (if you want to be added to/ taken off the tag list just let me know, all my channels of communication are open):

@lesbian-peanuts

@leydiangelo

@queen-of-demons-and-hell

@msdrpreist

@sparkythunderstorm

@nishlicious-01

@lucyisblue

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sprnklersplashes · 4 years

Text

heart of stone (7/?)

AO3

Unlike most of his peers, Damian isn’t excited at all about moving out. There’s a lot he loves about living at home-having a mom who cooks him his own meals, not having to pay bills, living withing walking distance of his best friends and a not having to do his own laundry. All those little conveniences are things he’ll miss sorely when that day comes, but the biggest reason has nothing to do with any of that. No, the reason he dreads moving out is because he’s not sure if he’ll be able to find a roommate that will put up with his constant singing around the house. Especially around audition time.

Which is why now, he’s practicing his rendition of Dressing Them Up in his bedroom, his mom being incredibly cool about the whole thing downstairs and Janis on Facetime, earbuds in and bopping along with him and giving him more enthusiasm than the actual audience probably will.

“You sound great.” She’s sitting cross legged on her hospital bed in a sweater and leggings, her face more bare than it was yesterday, but her eyes still bright and laugh lines creased around her eyes and mouth. She’s still her.

It was tough, seeing her for the first time, but weirdly, it wasn’t nearly as tough as he thought it would be. Once he got past the strangeness of the hospital environment and the little emotional hiccup she had with Cady, he knew she’s still her. Hard situation, uncomfortable new world, but still his Janis.

“You think so?” he says. “I don’t know about this song. All the forums say it’s a really good song to audition for the Emcee with.”

“And it’s your party piece,” she tells him. “Remember freshman year, you sang it for my grandpa?”

“I miss your grandpa,” he sighs.

“I’ll let him know. He calls me weekly now.” She shifts on the bed, tossing her hair over her shoulder. Before he even realises what she’s doing, he checks her arm. No IV in there. Why does that make him feel better? “So do you think you’re going to change it?”

“Should I?” he asks, looking through his music. “The audition’s tomorrow. I don’t know if I can research and learn a new song by tomorrow.”

“Then don’t,” she tells him. “You’re overthinking it.”

“You’re telling me off for overthinking,” he says rather indignantly, raising an eyebrow at her. “This is the same girl who texted me at 2 in the morning for my opinion on a dog meme to send to Cady.”

“I needed a second opinion,” she says.

“Thought you didn’t need opinions,” he teases.

“Maybe I need yours,” she says softly, the grin on her face lighting up the screen. “Dick.”

“Don’t even love you,” he replies, blowing a kiss softly to the screen. Janis giggles, hiding her face behind her hand.

“Okay, you have the scene worked out as well?”

“I think so.” He picks up the extract from his bed. He’s done it for everyone, Janis, his mom, Janis’ mom, Cady, even the plastics. He learned that day that Gretchen is amazing at giving weirdly specific compliments and also knows more about theatre than he’d have guessed. Maybe in another life she’d be a drama geek like him. “It’s just an audition anyway. They’re not looking for the finished product. Just potential.”

“And you my good man are 6’2” of raw mother fucking potential.”

“Janis, language!”

“Raw mother freaking potential. Sorry, mom.” Somewhere behind the phone, Janis’ mom says something and Janis chuckles, rolling her eyes. “I’m not allowed to cuss in here. Since this is a ‘children’s ward’.” She quotes the word with her fingers. “Which is apparently where I belong.”

“You are a children,” he reminds her.

“I am older than you!” she spits back, laughter shaking her voice. She leans back on the bed, tossing her hair over her shoulder. The joke slips from her face, leaving soft sincerity in its place. “Are you nervous?”

“I don’t get nervous.” She raises her eyebrow at him, of course. By now she can see into his brain like there’s a little window on his forehead. It’s why he can’t bullshit with her, and conversely, why she can’t with him. “A little. I just really want a good role, you know. It’s our last show.”

“Which is why you’re going to ace that audition so hard,” she tells him. “Just don’t drink dairy in the morning and do your breathing before you go in. And stay away from the candy!”

“Pity you’re not here to remind me,” he says.

“True, but I did take the liberty of passing on all the info to Cady,” she tells him. “She knows what to do.”

“You’re a hero, babe.”

“Don’t I just know it,” she says. “Are you going to do the whole ‘dress for the part you want’?”

“Of course.” He runs over to his wardrobe and shows her the outfit he’d picked out for tomorrow, black silk waistcoat and black skinny jeans, his dance shoes in his bag. “What do we think?”

“Oh, that’s so sexy,” she tells him. “We need to bring waistcoats back to the collective again. I miss them.” Before he can answer, she looks beyond the camera, nodding along to a conversation he can’t hear. She casts an anxious glance at him, so quickly that he would have missed it if he blinked. “Okay. Okay, yeah fine, I know. Okay fine.” She turns back to him, letting out a long exhale that makes the hair on his arms stand up. He can’t help it; he has built-in parental instincts and they’ve been heightened ever since Janis went to hospital. So much so that even when she flashes up a peace sign and grins, it’s hard for him to grin back. “I have to bounce. Go get a good night’s sleep, ace it tomorrow, and tell the drama club that my services are still available.”

“I’ll let them know,” he says. He sits on the bed, tucking one leg under his body. He’s reluctant to let her go, their time together so precious now. “I love you, honey pot.”

“Love you more, bitch.” Her face freezes and then she’s gone. Not gone, he corrects himself. Just… not around for him right now.

“Okay,” he exhales, giving himself a shake. She’s fine. She said she was fine, she looked fine, she is fine. And she will be fine. She even said that she might be well enough to come see him in the show, all things going smoothly. The thought alone is enough to make him smile. Of course she will. The show won’t be for months anyway. He just has to get through this first. So he picks up his music and bounces down the stairs, ready to treat his mom and sisters to yet another rendition.

*****

It’s just after second period when the nerves do start to kick in. He’s not scared or intimidated, he can’t be he approaches auditions the way Cady would a calculus test, as a thrilling challenge to be overcome and a way to improve, whatever the outcome. But like he said to Janis, it’s his last year. He’s not gotten parts before but would be different. He wouldn’t throw a fit or leave the show if he didn’t get it, those types of divas make him cringe so much it hurts. But he can’t shake the idea that it wouldn’t be as special if he were in the ensemble in his last year. Besides, this is his part. Always has been.

“Hey.” He jumps off the floor, so wrapped up in his own thoughts he’d barely noticed the person sliding up beside him. He’s even more surprised when he sees who it is; Regina, wearing a lacrosse jersey over her white dress and a smile that’s uncharacteristically apprehensive. Since when did Regina George doubts? More to the point, since when did Regina talk to him? He wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t even know his name until Cady told him. He just assumed he was ‘Janis’ gay friend’ to her, nothing more. The same way she’s nothing more than ‘asshole Queen Bee I’d punch given the chance’ to him.

“Hi,” he says flatly. Her smile falters at his tone, and he has to hide his own smirk behind his locker door. Someone clearly isn’t used to not being given the golden treatment.

“So… how’s Janis doing?”

And the surprises keep on coming.

“You care?” he snorts.

“Yeah, I do.” Her tone is more defensive this time, the familiar anger that’s become her trademark making an appearance. Somehow, she sounds more natural this way. She shakes her head and tosses her dark hair over her shoulder. “You’ve talked to her recently, I’m guessing.”

“Of course I have. She’s my best friend,” he fires back, suddenly finding himself on the defence. Heat prickles on his skin and he wants nothing more than to get out of this conversation.

“I just… wanted to know how she’s doing,” she says, her voice quiet and her arms crossed over her chest. He closes the locker door and looks at her, trying to find some semblance of the ruthless predator he knows rather than the timid, vulnerable creature before him. It’s unsettling, seeing her like this, and he’s almost certain it’s a trap. “So how is she?”

“She’s great.” He slams the locker door closed and now it’s her turn to jump. “Janis is doing great. And she’s being let out for a week on Friday. So, she’s great.”

“O-okay,” she replies. She picks at her nails, her eyes growing wide. It’s only when she takes a step back that he can breathe again. She gives an attempted smile and it doesn’t look right on her face. “That’s cool. That’s good to hear.”

“Yeah.” He puts his bag on his shoulder and pushes past her. Admittedly, he does feel a little guilty here. Regina’s a horrible person, but she’s still a person, right? Maybe she is worried about Janis, that there’s some sincerity beneath the make-up.

No. Of course not. And if Regina wanted his respect, she should have started back in middle school. And in any case, why is he even thinking about Regina? He’s got way bigger things to worry about today than her.

He checks his phone at lunch, finding nothing from Janis. Which is normal these days. Normal re-adjusted pretty quickly and she’s just finished another round right about now, so she’s probably resting from that. Besides, no news is good news, as his mom likes to say.

“Damian. Damian!”

“Woah, yeah, I’m here.” He shakes his head, grabbing the side of the table. He really needs to tune back in today. Cady is sitting beside him, her hand on his shoulder and her eyes big with concern.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I am,” he says, patting her hand. “Just daydreaming, kid.”

“Okay.” Silence settles over them, tight and uncomfortable. It hurts. Janis’ absence hasn’t rocked their friendship at all, but at the same time it’s felt like there’s been something missing since the start of the year. And that there’s constantly something going unsaid with them. “When’s your audition?”

“T minus four hours,” he tells her. “They’re after school.”

“Speaking of I see you’ve broken out the two-litre bottle of water.”

“Are you kidding me?” he asks. “Honey, I am a professional.”

“A professional drama queen,” she teases. “You think you’re ready?”

“As I can be. My mom and sisters all gave me a standing ovation,” he says proudly. “And I think my cat liked it.”

“I mean that’s all the validation you need,” she says. “When you go into your first Broadway audition, all you need to tell them is how highly your cat recommends you.” They burst into laughter as Karen and a forlorn-looking Gretchen sit down next to them, Karen holding the other girl’s hand and looking helplessly at Cady and Damian.

“Hey, what’s up, Gretch?” Cady asks. Without a word, Gretchen slides a crumpled sheet of math questions over the table and lets out a huff. Despite trying not to look, Damian can’t help noticing the score at the top, and the “see me” written at the bottom. Cady’s face falls instantly as she takes in a sharp breath. “Well, it’s just the second week. And it’s one homework.”

“Oh, what’s the use,” Gretchen sighs. “I’m never going to get it. It’s all so complicated. I wish I had a brain like yours, Cady. You’re super great at math.”

“Well you’re good at stuff too,” Cady responds.

“Yeah,” Karen agrees. “Like you’re super good at English. And at picking out clothes.”

“I don’t think Ms Gardner will appreciate me picking out clothes,” she says glumly. “Besides, I need to get better at math this year. For one thing, my dad will totally kill me if I get another C.”

“Well… hey why don’t I tutor you?” Cady offers, changing Gretchen’s entire demeanour in an instant. She sits up and gasps, a smile breaking out across her face and lighting up the cafeteria.

“You would? Really?” she squeaks.

“Of course! I mean, I did all this stuff last year, so I know it well. What do you say?”

“Oh, thank you so much!” She reaches out the table and grabs Cady’s hand, and judging by Cady’s face, it’s stronger than you might think for Gretchen’s slight frame. “This makes me feel so much better.”

“What does?” Regina sits down beside her, looking from Cady to Gretchen and funnily enough, avoiding Damian entirely.

“Oh, Cady’s going to tutor me in math,” Gretchen explains.

“Oh, cool,” Regina says. “You know that’ll look great on a college application.”

“Yeah. I mean of course that’s not the only reason I’m doing it,” Cady replies, smiling at Gretchen. “But I know. All I’ve heard since we got back is ‘college applications’.”

“Me too,” Damian sighs. “And I am not looking forward to telling Miss Meyer I want to do theatre.” He rolls his eyes and mimics shooting his head.

“Oh, hey Damian, Cady?” Karen asks. “Can I ask you something.”

“Um… sure?”

“What kind of muffins does Janis like?” The four of them all fall quiet, Damian looking to a confused Cady before back at Karen, who seems to be the only one who sees the sense here.

“Muffins?” he echoes.

“Mm-hm. Well, I want to bake her muffins to cheer her up, and since you two are her besties, I thought you’d know,” she explains. “Trust me, there’s nothing worse than bringing someone the wrong muffins. One time my cousin brought my other cousin muffins that weren’t her favourite and I was so, so ashamed for her.”

“Oh, okay,” he says. Karen nods severely, apparently taking the muffins incredibly seriously. “Um… she really likes raspberries I guess. Oh, and white chocolate. That’s one of her favourite combos.”

“Perfect!” she chirps. “I’ll start shopping for those tomorrow. I told my mom about her and she said she might like something sweet.”

“That’s… really nice,” he says. Life with the former-Plastics is a surprise even after spending the summer with them. He isn’t sure how ‘former’ he’d consider them, especially Regina, but they’re softer than they were a year ago. Gretchen more caring, Karen more kind. Or maybe they were always like that and he simply didn’t notice.

As they get up to leave, he takes out his phone and checks it. Still nothing from her.

He walks Cady to her next class, the two of them being on the same floor.

“Should I wait for you until your audition’s done?” she asks him.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” he says, patting her on the back. “Go live your life, little one.”

“Okay, but…” She rests her head on his shoulder and warmth sparks in his fingers and a stupid grin crosses his face. “Would you like me to wait until after your audition? We can go to the donut place after?”

“Did Janis tell you to do that?” Grabbing donuts after auditions to unwind has been their tradition since middle school.

“Well, yeah,” she says, shrugging innocently. “Just thought it would be cool. It’s what you always do, right?”

“Yeah. Yeah of course, totally. That’d be awesome.” They stop outside her history classroom. “Okay, I will see you later.”

“I’ll be in the library,” she explains. “You can meet me there?”

“Awesome blossom.” They have a quick high-five before he sets off down the hall to American Literature. As he goes, he finds a small but fierce sense of anxiety sparking in his chest and he can’t work out what it’s for. Probably the audition. After all, no amount of experience can chase away the terror of this process. Waiting around, learning and re-learning lines, sitting by his computer waiting for an email and fighting through crowds to see the cast list. He puts up a confident face, but that will never stop shaking him.

He takes out his phone again, just to check the time and location again. There’s nothing from Janis again, which is fine. Completely.

“Damian Hubbard.” He halts and looks up at the face of his Literature teacher, Mr Bock. He’s not great, but he’s not awful either. Once upon a time he may have actually liked kids. “Is that phone meant to be out during school hours?”

“No, sir,” he replies, sliding it back into his pocket and hoping for the best.

“Well come on, you’re in my class next and I won’t have anyone being tardy.”

“No, sir,” he repeats, doubling his pace and making it into the classroom, looking up at the clock as he does so. Just three more hours to go.

*****

He spends the time waiting for his slot breathing and doing small vocal warm-ups, enough to get him ready but not enough to irritate anyone else. As well as consoling a fearful looking little freshman kid. There are few things in the world that warm his heart quite as much as seeing new faces in auditions and watching them bloom during the show. He always makes sure to build connections with each and every one of them, taking up the role he wished someone had done for him. By the time Damian’s name is called, the freshman is grinning and his hands are nearly steady and he even whispers ‘good luck’ before he goes in.

“Afternoon all,” he greets the panel; Miss Petersen, the director/oldest drama teacher, and the perky little new one, fresh out of teaching college and rearing to go, as well as the choreographer and head of the drama club. Three familiar faces and one new, all smiling back at him. Something he tells every freshman; they want to cast you. He hands the sheet music to the girl at the piano and takes his spot, always remembering to smile and compliment her.

“Hi Damian, how are you?” Petersen asks.

“I’m great,” he replies. He clears his throat slightly, not having realised how tight it was. Did he not warm up enough? “Ready to go.”

“Okay so what song have you picked for us today?” the new teacher asks. Miss Hadsell, someone said her name is. She’s cute, with wide dark eyes and blonde hair in a messy braid. He wonders if she also takes art, he hasn’t seen her around the art room.

Then he remembers he hasn’t been in the art room this year.

“I have picked Dressing Them Up from Kiss of the Spider Woman,” he says brightly, bringing himself back. Here and now, that’s what matters.

“Good choice,” Miss Petersen says. “And you’ll be reading for the part of the Emcee?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Okay.” She grins at him, although it doesn’t really do anything to bring his focus back. What is wrong with him today?

He takes two deep breaths, and then another, and quickly shakes out his hands before nodding to the pianist. Once the song starts, he’ll be fine. Lost in the music, laser focussed. And he is. After missing the first note. He’s never missed a note before. Still, he manages to pick up the rest of it and keep going, throwing everything into it.

But it doesn’t feel enough. Like something is holding him back. Every time he’s sang this song before it’s come as naturally as breathing, the movements coming from him, not a character or persona. Now nothing feels right. Like he’s on a string and someone else is moving his limbs and every gesture is artificial.

By the time he finishes, it’s almost a relief. And he’s never thought that about performing.

“That was great!” Miss Hadsell says. “You must love that song a lot.”

“It’s an old favourite of mine,” he agrees. He can still bring this back. Maybe it was better than he thought.

He reads through two scenes for them before he’s asked to leave. At least those are stronger, partially because he knows them like the back of his hand. He feels more himself in them, or rather he feels more like the character. Even if his mind’s still a little fuzzy, it clicks for him. If only it could have happened earlier.

Rather than running right to the library and Cady afterwards, he sinks down onto a bench in an empty corridor, wringing his hands together. He doesn’t remember ever feeling that nervous or having an audition like that. Not even when he was a kid. Being in drama clubs since he could walk chased away the strong jitters that could affect him like that. So what happened in there?”

You know a voice in his head whispers. He goes to wave it off, but he can’t quite do it. Because what if there’s some truth in it. He’s worried about Janis, he’s only human. But he has it under control. She’s getting what she needs and she’ll be back with him by Christmas, and they’ll move forward like nothing ever happened. He presses his fist into his palm and bites his cheek. He’s handling it, and his own issues have never affected his performances before. Why would they now?

There’s no point in worrying now, he tells himself. It’s over, so just go home, tell everyone it was fine and whatever happens, happens.

It’s with that mantra that he gets up and heads to the library to pick up Cady.

*****

The next day is Wednesday and when he wakes up he’s suddenly immensely excited and won’t pretend he doesn’t know why. As his mom likes to say, ‘Wednesday is halfway to the weekend’. Which is enough of a reason to be happy in itself, but this means something more. It means it’s two days until Janis gets out of hospital and three days until they hang out again. They arranged it a few days ago; a movie night in her place, just like always, with blankets and pillows and junk food and an equal balance of musicals and old sci-fi and horror. So he can’t not be excited, so much so that it’s enough for him to block out the memories of his audition yesterday.

So when he half-walks, half-dances into the kitchen, it’s justified, and what’s more, his mom picks up on it.

“Someone’s in a good mood,” she remarks.

“Sun’s shining, birds chirping,” he replies as he puts on the coffee pot and pops bread into the toaster.

“Did you talk to Janis at all last night?”

“A bit.” He pours himself a cup and one for his mom. All the milk in his and one sugar for him, black and two sugars for his mom.

“How’s she doing?”

“She’s fine,” he says. “You know her. Tough as hell, fighting anything.” His phone vibrates in his pocket and it brings an instant smile to his face. “As a matter of fact that’s her now… oh…”

Janis’ message is a picture of the medical student, Jackson, fiddling with her IV, shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Below is the caption ‘forgot to send you this yesterday. Thought you might enjoy’. And a winking face, of all the emojis.

‘Appreciated, thank you,’ he texts back. ‘Though I am debating the ethical ramifications of this.’

He probably won’t get an answer for a while. She tends to sleep in in the mornings.

“Her poor mother,” his mom sighs, seemingly to herself. He looks up at her, her hands tight around the hug and her head shaking. “I mean, poor Janis as well of course. No one deserves to go through that. But if anything like that were to happen to you…” She runs a hand through his hair, a fond smile along with her sad features. “God knows what I’d do.” There’s a small moment, a sigh, and then she kisses his head.

“Mom, you’re so mushy,” he sighs, not meaning any of it. Mushy is a well-established Hubbard trait passed from mother to son and he’s not ashamed of it, not at all. It’s that exact mushy-ness that gives him the capacity to love his friends the way he does and let them feel it every chance he can. He’d never trade it for anything. “I have to get ready. Don’t want to be late. Love you!”

When he gets into homeroom, Cady is bent over her notebook with her pens out, which strikes him as odd. Surely the study bee Cady Heron isn’t catching up on homework already. He’s not even catching up on homework yet.

“Hey.” He pulls on her ponytail, a far more amusing way of getting her attention that tapping her shoulder. She grins and looks up at him, stretching out her arms. “What are you working on?”

“Trying to make a schedule for tutoring,” she explains, handing it over to him. The page is divided into seven days and those into hour long slots, and true to form, everything is colour-coded. School is green, Mathletes is blue, and so-called ‘Janis time’ is purple. Her name is written in silver glitter pen rather than black ballpoint, and there’s a little star doodled in the corner. It’s nothing short of adorable, and Cady’s cheeks go pink as he knowingly catches her eye. “Gretchen says she can’t do weekdays, so I might squeeze her in on Saturday mornings.” She takes the page and tilts it, scrunching up her face. “Wonder how many more I can fit in.”

“How much tutoring does she need exactly?” he asks.

“It’s not just Gretchen,” she says, shrugging. “I just thought, well, why not expand it. See who else needs tutoring? I could make some money off of it. And it looks great on-”

“The college applications,” he finishes, earning an eyeroll from her. Still, they both smile. “I think that’s a great idea little slice. As long as no-one’s faking stupid to score a date with you.”

“Oh hush,” she chides, swatting at him playfully. “Besides, no one would dare. Half our grade is kind of terrified of Janis.”

“We all know she could still kick their collective asses.”

“Even hopped up on chemo, she could.”

“Yeah, completely.” Something shifts inside him, and suddenly his smile feels more plastered on that natural. Keep it together, he tells himself. “So has anyone gotten back to you about tutoring?”

“I haven’t put the word out yet,” she says. “Although I did make this!” She reaches into her bag and hands another page to him, this time with a photo of her in the centre and “Tutoring Services-Math and Science, specialising in calculus” printed below it, and her phone number and email address in a different, cursive font below. And true to form, she decorated it with little ClipArt lions and tigers. “What?”

“Nothing.” He hands her it back. “It’s just very you. And if I needed help with math, I’d call you in an instant.”

“You flatter me,” she jokes, putting it back in her backpack and dropping it on the floor. It catches his eye and he doesn’t understand why it would for a second, but then he remembers. She bought this backpack the day they went to the mall. She picked the white one with the little frogs. Janis had laughed at it, affectionately calling her a ‘permanent child’. That was the day Janis had passed out. The day she had overslept. The day before she had gotten that doctor’s appointment. And all the while, none of them knew the truth. None of them had put the pieces together.

“Damian?”

“Oh, yeah.” He nods quickly. “Yes, you should definitely do that.” Across from him, Cady’s eyebrows are shot up, her mouth half open. He’s blown it. Whatever ‘it’ is.

“Okay,” she sighs. “Um… are you okay?”

“Of course I’m okay.” He leans back in his chair and tosses his head. “Look at me, I’m the King of Okay, baby girl.”

“I know a bad Doctor Who reference when I hear one,” she tells him. She taps her pencil on the desk. If she knows a Doctor Who reference, then he can recognise a tell. She’s building up to something. “Look, it’s okay if you’re not okay. I mean what’s going on right now with Janis… it’s rough. It’s okay if you’re a little out of it. I am too.”

“Well that’s fine, but I’m not.”

The words shock him as soon as they leave his mouth. He wouldn’t be surprised if he hadn’t said them at all, rather someone behind him, and he wishes that were the case. He’s not like that. Those words are sharp and he’s rarely ever sharp. He made himself a promise never to be sharp or cruel or nasty unless absolutely necessary. He’s put in so much work over the years building up his cheerful, warm persona and it took a while for it to become fully natural. Apparently, he still needs work, because Cady’s face is falling at his outburst and she’s turning around him her chair and his gut is twisting and churning with guilt.

“Caddy, wait.” He reaches out and grabs her shoulder. “I’m-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it to come out like that. It’s just-I’m so sorry, Caddy.”

“Hey.” Cady takes his hand and wraps her own around it, giving it a comforting squeeze. “It’s okay. Everything’s a lot right now.” Is it? Well, it is anyone can see that. But he’s coping, he’s sure of it. He woke up today so full of happiness he may have burst. How did he go from that to this in the space of an hour?

“Yeah,” he simply says. He runs his thumb over Cady’s knuckles, still shaken from what he said. He grips her hand tighter as if that can make sense of it. “I’m sorry.”

Despite Cady telling him it’s okay, a bad feeling follows him around all day, guilt combined with something else he can’t figure out. It leaves him feeling nauseous and uneasy all through his classes and even during lunch with his friends. It sits there all day, right in the pit of his stomach and wearing him out. By the time his first class after lunch starts, all he wants to do it go home. That very last bell is music to his ears and he barely remembers to bid goodbye to his friends before bolting out the door.

His hands are cold and unsteady as he pulls books out of his locker, his heart beating quickly and faintly beneath his shirt. He checks his phone, his messages empty, and makes a mental note to text Cady later before closing his locker and heading to the front gate. Hopefully by the time he gets home he’ll have come back to himself.

“Damian!”

Oh god, he thinks, suppressing a sigh. Ms Towers slips out in front of him, a file held close to her chest and her glasses perched on her head. She’s the school guidance counsellor, someone he’s never really interacted with. All of his issues were either fixed or in the process of that by the time he reached high school. She sure had her work cut out for her when the Burn Book was released though.

“Um, hi,” he says.

“Could I grab a quick word with you?” she asks.

No you cannot is what he wants to say. The school bell has gone, I’m free now.

“Sure,” is what he says instead, and his body follows her into her little office and even takes the seat she offers. It’s only when she sits down that he turns off autopilot. “Is this going to take long? Only I’ve got a lot of homework.”

“Not long at all,” she replies. She clears her throat, pretends to fix some papers on her desk, and leans forwards on the desk, her hands clasped beneath her. “Damian, what you’re going through is very difficult.”

“That’s indeed one word for it.”

“And the schoolboard is fully aware of any challenges you might be facing this year,” she goes on. “You probably know your teachers are all aware of the toll this may take on your schoolwork.” He hadn’t actually thought of that before. “But there are many support systems in place outside of the classroom. I want you to know that if you need any of them, we would be more than happy to schedule something for you. You could talk to me, or one of my colleagues on the care team, during one of your free periods maybe once or twice a week? Or if you want, our pastoral care team would be more than willing to talk to you in the school chapel-��

The image of Damian sitting in a church sitting on a pew talking to a priest about anything is so ludicrous to him that he actually bursts out laughing in her face.

He’s really being the resident asshole today, isn’t he?

“Sorry,” he replies, making a show of clearing his throat. “Something caught in my throat. You know how it is.”

“Oh, of course. I can get you some water if you like.” He shakes his head, taking his own bottle out of his bag, and gives her a gesture to keep talking. “Just if you want to avail of any of these services, they’re here. We’re all here for you Damian. So… do you think you might?”

“I appreciate the offer,” he says. His hand wraps tightly around his knee. “I really do. But I’m fine. I don’t need any school therapy or anything like that.”

“I don’t mean therapy,” she says. “Well, I could. But just if you needed a quick chat. This is a hugely stressful situation.”

“I know,” he snaps. He takes a deep breath in. He feels as though his insides are shaking, like a town caught in an earthquake. “I know. But I’m fine. I’m coping. And I have my own people anyway. I’ve got my friends; I’ve got my mom.” He stands on sore and unsteady legs and puts his bag on his back. “Besides, everything’s fine. Janis is coming home this weekend and we’re going to have a movie night and it will be exactly like it always has been. So we’re all good here.”

He lets her nod before bolting out the door. He doesn’t let anyone slow him down this time as he runs outside, down the front path and out the school gates, only starting to slow down when he’s off that street.

All the while, he doesn’t let himself think about Ms Towers’ offer, because doesn’t need it. He’s good. He’ll make himself good if he has to. He’s had enough practice at that after all.

*****

Saturday night takes forever to come around. The clocks on the wall tick by too slowly no matter where he is. Janis must get home late on Friday, because at some time after nine she posts a video of her dog cuddling her on her bed with the caption ‘I missed this boosh so much’. While Maxie takes up half the screen, he can see the smile in her cheeks. She looks good, healthy, happy, and that’s the main thing.

But finally the time comes, and he’s standing on her doorstep with a rucksack full of treats, DVDs, and the sleepover essentials. Butterflies flutter in his stomach, something he hasn’t felt since the early teens, and he has to hold back his arm lest he press the doorbell again.

“Hubbard!”

“Sarkisian!”

The moment he’s in her house, he envelopes her in a hug, letting her head rest in his shoulder and his hand rubbing up and down her back. His knees buckle in relief once she’s back with him, back hugging him. Sure he’s seen her before back in the hospital, but that was too alien. This is home. This is real.

“Missed you, dork,” she whispers.

“Missed you more,” he replies. When they finally let each other go, he sees her dressed down, blue and green galaxy leggings and a deep purple sweatshirt with a cartoon dinosaur on the front. Sleepover wear.

In the living room, Laura is setting up a bowl of popcorn and a try of tortilla chips, as well as a litre bottle of water and one of lemonade. She brightens up at the sight of him, hugging him lightly like you would a family member.

“Nice to see you, kid,” she tells him. “Hey how were the auditions? Janis told me they were this week.”

“Oh yeah,” he replies. It’s an effort not to wince. “They were fine. You know.”

“Well, we’ll be expecting front row tickets,” she tells him. “And a discount.”

“Sorry Laura no can do. Janis knows the importance of providing funds for the drama club.” Behind her mom, Janis nods as she fiddles with the DVD player.

“Oh, Janis, hon, let me do that.”

“It’s fine,” she replies, force behind the words. “I’ve got it. Besides you’re the one always asking me how to work it.”

“Fair enough,” she mutters. “Well, you two enjoy your night. I’m just down the hall if you need anything.”

“Cool. Thanks Mom.”

“Do you want me to take the dog out?”

“We can keep him. I think he’s missed Damian anyway.”

“And I’ve missed him,” Damian adds in. Maxie is pawing at Damian’s legs, his head rubbing against his legs and his tail wagging.

“Okay, just make sure you keep him calm. Otherwise he won’t let you sleep.”

“We’ll keep him calm,” Janis promises. “He’s a good boy.”

Laura mutters something to the contrary as she leaves, the door clicking shut behind her. Janis rolls her eyes at her.

“She’s so mean to the baby,” she says, patting the ground. “Come here Maxie-boy. Isn’t mama just the meanest and nastiest to the poor baby boy?”

“Should I leave you two alone?” he asks, only half-joking. Janis looks up from where she was making kissy faces at her dog and chuckles.

“I missed him,” she says. “Can you blame me? Imagine not letting your dog into the hospital with you.”

“It’s lunacy all right.” He kneels down beside her, opening up his rucksack. “Okay, I brought chocolate peanuts, I brought mini pretzels, I brought sour gummies. And to top it off, I brought your faves… crispy NemNems!” He holds up the box of M&Ms, wiggling them in her face. She bats them away, grinning.

“Perfection. Okay, what do we watch first?”

“You pick. That’s the rule after all, remember?” he reminds her. “Your house, your rules.”

“Okay. Then I pick…” She holds up the DVD to him; A Nightmare On Elm Street and wiggles her eyebrows. One of her favourites, which just so happens to be one of his least favourites. He’s not a horror fan. It’s one of the few disagreements they have.

“Deal. But I may have to hide behind your hair.”

They settle themselves on the couch, a pair of blankets resting on the heater behind them and Maxie plopped on top of them for extra warmth. His little head is on Janis’ lap, demanding pets, and she is only too happy to oblige. He snuggles further into her with his paws up on his legs and whimpering whenever she so much as shifts.

“Someone missed you.”

“Yeah he did,” she replies, her voice fond. “You know when I came into the kitchen last night he peed himself because he was so excited.” She leans down to the dog and starts speaking in what they call her ‘Maxie-voice’. “Didn’t you to a peepee on the floor and Daddy had to mop it up?”

“Awww. Also ewww.” Janis digs him the ribs even as she laughs. Maxie is oblivious to this, his ears pricking up as he looks between the two of them. Damian cracks open the snacks, already commandeering the tortilla chips (what can he say, he’s a carb lover) and placing the rest of them delicately between them before opening the M&Ms and handing them to Janis.

“Oh, thanks…” She picks a few out of the bag while holding the dog down with the other hand, lest he eat something he shouldn’t.

When he looks back in the bag, it’s like no-one took anything. Sure enough, there’s probably only three or four in her hand right now. And they’re one of her favourite things in the world, ever. She’s hidden them under pillows at sleepovers before. Before he can stop, she notices him looking and gives him a shrug.

“I’m just not that hungry,” she explains, taking a sip of the water. “It’s fine.”

It’s fine. There you go. She said it’s fine, so it’s fine.

Despite that reassurance, and against his better judgement, he doesn’t stop taking peeks at her as the movie goes on. It’s probably a good thing he doesn’t like this movie. She picks at the food she would normally be fighting him for, eating a pretzel here and there and nothing else, only long, slow drinks of water. The hair on the back of his neck pricks up at it, his instincts once again kicking in.

Maybe instead of instincts, he thinks he might just be paranoid. Janis said that she hadn’t had much of an appetite recently. It’s just a side effect of the medicine. Nothing to be worried about, surely, especially with the way her eyes are wide and her grin is excited and bright, the way she jumps at scares she’s seen ten times over and ‘ooh’s at Freddy coming down the hall. She even calls him a ‘magnificent bastard’. Why should he focus on what she’s eating when she’s still her and is in good spirits? With that in mind, he turns his attention to the movie, properly this time, accompanied by Janis’ rantings and commentary.

When he does lose focus on Freddy Kruger again, it’s nothing to do with Janis or ‘instincts’, but rather nature calling, courtesy of a half-empty lemonade bottle on the floor. He stretches his stiff legs and turns to let her know, probably having to tap her to pull her out of the movie… only to find her curled in on herself, eyes closed, lips slightly parted. Her hand rests limply on Maxie and her chest rises and falls slowly. How long has she been like that, he wonders.

“Janis?” he whispers. Nothing. “Janis.” She doesn’t move, doesn’t even flinch. That’s her for the night.

She looks younger in sleep, especially without make-up. And a lot less tough. It’s easier to see her as the little girl he met crying in a bathroom all those years ago. But she was tough even then, and she’s even stronger now. He rises slowly, careful not to wake her. Maxie is still awake, but antsy at sitting down for too long.

“Come here, kid,” he says quietly to him. He lifts Janis’ hand a little and coaxes him off her, patting his knees until he reluctantly climbs down. He settles beside her instead, sitting beside the couch like a little guard dog. “Good boy.” Next he takes the blanket from the heater and throws it over her, making sure to tuck it over her shoulders. That’s what moves her, and for a second he panics, but she only murmurs something and burrows into it. His heart swells in that moment, and he presses a swift kiss to her head.

“Good night, kid,” he whispers, even if it’s still light outside.

He doesn’t go home after that. He sticks around all night, despite Janis’ mother asking if he wants to go home. Neither one of her parents are surprised she fell asleep, telling him she’s tired a lot in the hospital. Her dad heaves a sigh before telling him that’s how they know it’s working. Damian nods, unsure of what else to say, and heads back to the living room. The idea of leaving her alone in there unsettles him for whatever reason.

He slides Cabaret into the DVD player, the volume at 2 and the subtitles on. At least if Janis does wake up, it’ll be to something she likes. For now he bounces between watching the movie and watching her until he gives up entirely. He changes spreads himself on the couch next to him, the light from his phone the only light on in the room. As he does start to doze off, a mere four hours after Janis, he starts thinking about what her dad said. If this is how they know everything’s working, then he can take it. Because it means she’ll be okay at the end.

#mean girls fanfic #mean girls broadway #mean girls the musical #damian hubbard #janis sarkisian #cadnis #cadnis ff #mean girls ff #despite that cadnis is barely in this chapter ....#fic: heart of stone #look its a damian pov!

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aurora-daily · 5 years

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AURORA’s Q&A during Spotify Listening Party

Q: Hello Aurora. Is „In Bottles“ related to „In Boxes“ because in „In Bottles“ you are singing underneath her bed and when she is lying in bed maybe she is laying on her spine. Is that the story behind that phrase ? ❤ You are the Best and i Love you ❤

A: they are both about the same lady... that is really well spotted. It has a really strange meaning to it. she wants to be close to people in a very strange way... !

Q: Aurora what is your favourite song on the album?

A: it changes from day to day.. right now its Soulless Creatures. because of its meaning.

Q: Where do you record the álbum?

A: i did it in bergen last november with Magnus <3

Q: Can we expect Step 3, or it's the end of "A Different Kind" era?

A: this is definitely not the last step... but i cannot tell you yet when it will be released.. !

Q: when is the time of day/night you write music the most?

A: i definitely have the most ideas at night, or when im about to fall asleep, sometimes it can keep me awake for hours later than i should stay awake.. but its worth it.

Q: Will you travel to Vietnam???

A: YES

Q: Are you singing in Frozen 2?

A: i might be heard in the wind…

Q: your birth name represents just your music, the universe, peace ... have you thought how would you call yourself artistically if you had another birth name? Which one identifies you?

A: ive always felt that my name fits me so well, and i remember when i learnt what it meant when i was young that i took it like a little mission in life. to create a little light in the world, in one way we all should

Q: Aurora, I meet you the last month and I gave you a skirt, I just wanna say sorry cause it was too big, And I send you a message in your private (sorry)Facebook horse account, I need and advice

A: i love it!! im going to make it a bit smaller, haha !thank you so much!

Q: Do you make your own clothes?

A: yes i make them with my sister Viktoria who knows how to sew!!! i like to know where the clothes comes from, and with her i know the source of the clothes, which feels very good! i like to wear whatever feels good, so its good to have someone who can turn my dreams into real clothes!

Q: Tell us about your language in ADKOH single... what does it mean?

A: its my own language, and one day i will tell you. its based around its core which is human emotions. i want to make it easier for us to discuss our emotions with the world!

Q: Thank you for supporting us - LGBT. I must admit that it is very useful in Poland. We fight a homophobic government and you give us power

A: that moves my heart so much to hear. im sending you so much love. and that is just the beauty of love - it is so much bigger than us. anyone who dares raise a fist against it will always loose the fight. love will win <3 always.

Q: I have found that this album is best fully realized while being outside. I've been running and interpreptly dancing around my neighborhood everyday and it's transportive

A: i love this so much `3

Q: What was your favourite song to produce?📝🤔

A: i loved producing Soulless Creatures and Appletree. ADKOH was also a journey of its own kind. very lovey. Ive used samples from my life, and mixed them with the beauty of electronic music. A bit of both worlds, living in harmony.

Q: How long did it take to right this album? Where did you write?

A: ITs taken me two years to work on all the songs from both Step I and II. and producing Step II took a whole month, with no sleep and long days me and Magnus Skylstad made the whole thing with some help from a norwegian artist called Askjell (on Daydreamer and ADKOH) we cried so much. and laughed. so many emotions. very very beautiful.

Q: Why is 8 your favourite number?

A: i cannot really explain it. i just feel its right. i have a very strange relationship with numbers, i need them to be right. and 8 and 11 have always made me feel so good. their both the same when upside down and mirrored which i love. very reliable.

Q: Can we expect some songs in Norwegian?

A: yes...!

Q: We know in AMDGMAAF you had a sample of you hugging a tree, have you sampled anything unusual/interesting and put it in this album?👀

A: ive sampled all kinds of stuff, my breath, rain, steps, books, washing machines, crushing things, animals, chewing... etc. its so fun. i love working that way. On soulless creatures i have the sound of me tapping my own chest to my heart. <3

Q: "fear not, fear not when you go" that part gets me every time (and i have listened to this song like 100 times)

A: <3 <3 <3 !!!

Q: how do you keep up with all the questions? hahah

A: i dont!! hahaha

Q: do you write lyrics for other artists?

A: yes sometimes i do!!

Q: The symbols in adkoh are a new language right? But are they letters, more like a code, or it's literally a new language where symbols can be a entire word?

A: their all a part of my own language, one day i will show you all of it.

Q: I think your albums are literature, it is really interesting how there is a connection between all of them. From awakening to mothership, is there any plans of releasing a book some day?

A: i will x !!

Q: are there any more music videos coming?

A: Y to the E to the S

Q: I know some people in Tromso but theyre a bit strange. Is everyone from Tromso strange?

A: yes.

Q: Everyone is talking so quickly, I guess I'll shout into the void :p If you get a chance to read this Aurora, I know that you know how many lives you've touched so I'm not special for saying that you as a person, as well as your music, have saved my life. You're so good at making us all feel like your best friends, but I know what it's like to not be a very social person and it's scary. You're so brave and wonderfully peculiar in your heart. please stay true to yourself.

A: thank you so so much for these beautiful words x i promise i will. forever and ever.

Q: the choir goes SO GOOD with in bottles YOUR MIND

A: !!!!!!!!!

Q: Your numbers are 8 & 11? Very cute, in spirit these are good numbers, one means positivity and the other is financial abundance

A: i dont believe any human being could know the true spiritual meaning of them, they belong with the gods, or the trees. everything that we dont know x

Q: .I want to know about that percussion sound that's in a different kind of human...it sounds so different but really "authentic", I know that sounds weird

A: i am really into strange percussion. and im a percussionist myself so i tend to focus a lot on the rhythms. i had the beat for this song in my mind days before even writing it. and i wanted it to sound like something that doesnt exist from before. like ship. the mothership.

Q: What's your patronus?

A: a big wolf. <3

Q: I feel like an ant!

A: me too.

Q: Which song are you most excited to play live that you haven’t already?💃🏼🎶

A: appletree and daydreamer. so full of energy.

Q: Hei Aurora ^_^ En hilsen fra *nesten* nabokommunen din, Kvam! Jeg så deg for første gang på Bygdalarm i 2016. Jeg lytter til musikken din hver dag, den åpner dører, gir meg friske pust. Jeg ville egentlig bare si at jeg er så stolt over deg, selv om jeg aldri ordentlig har "møtt" og snakket med deg. Jeg føler du lager sanger som representerer en helt spesiell del av det å være menneske. Å ha et åpent sinn, se ting som andre ikke ser. Vokste selv opp midt i en skog, tekstene går rett til hjertet!

A: tusen tusen takk. dette var helt nydelig.

Q: Where did you get the inspiration to make "Apple Tree", not only the lyrics, but the sound of it since it's different from anything you've ever made.

A: i dont really like to put any walls around myself, so that day i felt like i wanted to do whatever made me feel nice. and i felt very playful! i have always liked to make different kind of music, like The seed and animal, it happened quiet and under the water etc. its nice to try lots of different expressions. thats what its all about.

Q: I just want to thank you. I've recently been diagnosed with ME, also known as chronic fatuige syndrome. Your songs fill me with strength and energy when I listen to them<3

A: that is so good to hear. I am so sorry youve gotten this extra thing to deal with in your life. im sending you lots of strength. and love.

Q: Do you believe in aliens? I do!!

A: of course!!!!

Q: Have you ever listened to a Black Metal band?

A: yes i love it so much. i love Gojira, Mastodon, Tool, System of A down and Perfect circle too. very nice.

Q: what do you think is the most important message behind your album? <3

A: I think all of them are. The fight for love, the fight for nature. the whole thing about our consuming, and the way we dont appreciate what we have. about having respect for eachother and mother earth. its about so many things that i care about. maybe the environmental focus is one of the most important message right now, and that we all can save the world together. In appletree its all about that. We. can. save. the. world.

Q: Is your language an alien language and are you actually an alien?

A: i am an alien yes, but i belong here on earth too. my language is al alien language that i have made x

Q: Just want to let you know that your music is well-loved in Asia even many of us don't speak English,your music is no boundaries,can we except your Asia tour soon ?

A: my dream is to go to asia. so yes. YES

Q: i don’t use spotify and i couldn’t get this stream to work so i deadass created an account and bought premium for this smh i love u aurorie

A: Oh My GOD!! really!_! that is amazing. thank you for doing all that to be here with us !

Q: Mothership is so important and special to me because last year my best friend committed suicide and it makes me feel like she's gone to a safer place ✨🌿💗

A: i am so sorry to hear. The Mothership will take those people, who felt like the world was a too dark place to be. Its a horrible thing when people think that is the only way out. Sending love to you and the family who lost a loved one. She is in a safe place now.

Q: Have you ever attended piano lessons, can you read notes, or rather you are self-taught

A: i dont know anything about music theory, im self taught!

Q: Aurora, I'm a painter. And I can not get my paintbrushes and paint something without listening to their songs. You inspire me a lot. That's the reason I can do everything I do. Thank you for that.

A: aaaaahhhhh. thank you so much for letting me inspire you. thank you. keep painting!

Q: aurora do you sometimes feel like talking to trees and plants? cause i do sometimes and they are beautiful creatures! they have a very caring and loving energy!!

A: i do too!!!

HEllo hELlo you lovely people. I am really trying my best to answer all of you. but its as difficult as building a castle of melted chocolate. Soon the chat will close, but before i go. i want to say thank you to all of you. you are such great people, and i am so happy to share this album with you. thank you for diving into it <3

thank you all for coming!!! will stay for 11 minutes more until the chat closes!!! JUST HAD TO SAY THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU

Q: What is the emotionally hardest song for you to sing from your new album?

A: i think Dance on the moon. x

Q: I seen in a fanwiki page that you like minecraft, DO YOU PLAY MINECRAFT???

A: i love it so much. i always play on creative mode though!!

Q: Do you intend to write a book someday? We would love to read it!🥚

A: i will, and i think its so nice that you are all interested in me doing so!

Q: The beat from apple tree has any inspiration from olodum ? (A Brazilian type of beat )

A: YES! and hip hop too. i felt it deserved a very alive and bad-*** groove.

Q: Have you dealt with anxiety and/or depression?

A: Yes i have. its a long time ago since i was depressed, its so strange how ******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************!!

Q: Are there any songs that almost didn’t make it to the album?👀🎶

A: actually daydreamer and dance on the moon just barely made it!!!

Q: what helped you get through the lows of your life?

A: making music. and giving myself time to heal. ive never felt guilty for being a bit out of ... tune with myself. being an emotional human being is hard, but at least you can always make yourself feel better by finding an outlet. or talking. or crying. just let yourself feel, dont escape from it. then suddently youll feel better one day.

Q: AURORA THE FATE OF THIS WORLD DEPENDS ON YOUR ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION!!!!!!! what is your favourite primate? is it the humble chimpanzee which would align with my favourite? or perhaps the solid orangutang. i am curious to see

A: haha this is so funny. i love the orangutang.

Q: You’ve talked sometimes about there are some things on the industry and big companies that you don’t like. How do you deal with it? How is your relationship with big production companies?

A: just remember to always follow my instinct. <3

and thank you for all the birthday wishes!!!!

Q: AURORA'S FANS ARE THE SWEETEST!! I LOVE YALL AND AURORA SO MUCH!! YOU MAKE THIS PLACE SUCH A SAFE PLACE TO SHARE, AND TO THE FANS TRYING TO PUT DANCE ON MOON ON NASA'S PLAYLIST, YALL ARE THE B ES T!!!!!!

A: I KNOW!!

Q: Aurora, Is Star wars still on you phone ring?

A: hahah yes!!

Q: Do you read the messages we write on instagram

A: yes <3

Q: Aurora your a inspiration and a safe place for a lot of LGBT+ that listen to your song, especially me, thanks for all the love you spread across the world

A: thank you so much! <3 sending you love. love love love love love

[credits for this recap!]

#aurora #aurora aksnes #interviews #spotify #in bottles #in boxes #soulless creatures #apple tree #step 2 #magnus #askjell #daydreamer #adkoh

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starship-nine · 5 years

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Getting into The Dear Hunter

Alright so like this is a post that may go nowhere but I'm making new friends again and want a quick and easy way for them to know how to get into my favorite band.

So in this post I'm gonna be detailing what albums you should DEFINITELY listen to, any you should be wary of, and anything bad (spoilers; that's not on here).

First are Must Listens, as these are the ones I think show the style, influence, and musical, lyrical, and charismatic ability of the group best.

Must Listens

So the obvious answer is "All the Acts", but I'm gonna break it down a bit.

Act V: Hymns With The Devil In Confessional

Act III: Life and Death

Act IV: Rebirth in Reprise

Migrant

Act V and Act IV kind of go hand in hand as two signs of the same coin. Both have intricate, exquisite melodies, but Act IV is a lot happier sounding, whereas Act V is incredibly dark from moment one. Just compare the intro to The Old Haunt on Act IV to The Moon/Awake on Act V.

Act V is my personal favorite Dear Hunter album, and the dark tone has a lot to do with it. The album is varied, going from a large grand spooky rock number to a peaceful acoustic melody, and ending with a mob March, a funeral eulogy, and a Danny Elfman-esque ending piece.

Act IV has some beautiful tracks and works better for the emotional side of things, as it focuses on themes such as existentialism, relationships failing, and even politics and the meaning of organized religion. I'll go over highlighted tracks at the end of each section.

Act III is an album that I feel gets overlooked, even among Dear Hunter fans. The lyrical dissonance in so many of these songs is outrageous, though! The cheerful tone of tracks like Go Get Your Gun and This Beautiful Life when they're about going out and shooting the enemy, the talks of morally repugnant characters such as The Thief, who loots the bodies of dead soldiers regardless of their side, the Poison Woman who offers soldiers drinks only for those drinks to be, obvs, poison, and of course Hunter's father telling the story of how Hunter got conceived. On top of all of this some of the most memorable lyrics in the band's catalog ("Come away young man where the ground is red and you need a mask to breathe" is such a powerful intro lyric), and melodies that still show up later in the story... Don't sleep on Act III, please. It's so good.

Migrant is the only album I've listed not a part of the story, but that's not discounting the album at all; it's still got exquisite melodies, beautiful vocal harmonies, Casey's unforgettable lyrics, and some of the best rock music of the 21st century. Tracks like Whisper show the rockier side, while somber tracks like Bring You Down and the single Shouting At The Rain show us that Casey is more than capable of writing about topics beyond his 6 act story.

Recommended tracks:

Act V: The March, The Moon/Awake, Cascade, Light

Act IV: Wait, The Line, Ouroboros, The Bitter Suite VI

Act III: In Cauda Venenum, This Beautiful Life, Son/Father/Life and Death, Mustard Gas

Migrant: Whisper, The Love, Shouting At The Rain, An Escape

Further Listening

These albums are still good, but they're more for when you've gotten a good feel for the band.

The Color Spectrum

Act II: The Meaning Of And All Things Regarding Ms. Leading

Act I: The Lake South and The River North

All Is As All Should Be

As I said, no Dear Hunter album is bad. But jumping right into these ones without any prior Dear Hunter knowledge is not a good idea. Act II and Act I were very early on, and are a different beast than the newer stuff, and The Color Spectrum is a collection of different EPs all based on different influences, and as such feature no orchestral elements and is just the four band members (two guitars, a bass, and drums). All Is As All Should Be is a fantastic EP to be sure, but knowledge of the band's past work is almost necessary to understand the rather eclectic nature of it.

The Color Spectrum is a hard one, because it's 9 EPs all based on different influences. My personal favorites are Black and Red, but that's because they're based on metal and indie rock and I'm very biased. I think The Dear Hunter is better with a full orchestra, but give this a listen, see what you can find. The melodies are still here, Casey's voice is great as always, and the songs on Black really show how good of a drummer Nick Crescenzo is.

Act II was the album that made the band underground emo heroes, and while I do love it to death, the lyrics regarding the main theme of the album are a little..... immature? As they should be of course, and I still love tracks unrelated to the whole idea of love vs. Lust. This album is also catchy as all hell, and it probably won't leave your head for a week. Songs like Black Sandy Beaches, Where The Road Parts, and ESPECIALLY The Lake and The River have gorgeous compositions and melodies. You really can't go wrong with it, so long as you can excuse some higher eloquence high school dissing of your ex.

Act I was the very first album the band ever recorded, and as such it's easily the shakiest. I still love it, but Casey's dynamic range isn't quite there yet. Tracks like Battesimo Del Fuoco still hit me in the right spot, and songs like His Hands Matched His Tongue work on a level I can't quite explain, but overall this is the shakiest and the hardest for me to recommend.

All Is As All Should Be was actually cowritten by people who went to The Dear Hunter's summer camp! That's really cool. The album is a good 6 song EP, melodies all over, and some of the best lyricism in their catalog. But alongside it is the silliness of the line "Pay no mind to what the haters think, cause they're just haters". Its still good!! It's really good! But it's not my go-to recommendation album.

Recommend tracks

Color Spectrum: Filth and Squalor, This Body, We've Got A Score To Settle, A Curse of Cynicism

Act II: The Lake and The River, The Bitter Suite III: Embrace, Black Sandy Beaches, Dear Ms. Leading

Act I: 1878, Battesimo Del Fuoco, His Hands Matched His Tongue, The Inquiry of Ms. Terri

All Is As All Should Be: The Right Wrong, All Is As All Should Be, Witness Me, Beyond The Pale

Well that's all I got. Sorry for the long post, but I just really love this band.

#The Dear Hunter #long post

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feel199x · 5 years

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⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚apple of my eye ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ Chapter V

gang!au, gang member!han jisung, underground band!au, florist!reader

I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X

a/n: this chapter is written a little differently, most of the action will be happening in the upcoming chapters. okay stays im the writer and I Am: Anxious

masterlist

warnings: alludes to drugs (selling), blood bruise mention, gun mention, and themes of stalking and abuse

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Minho had always been the head between the two of them. Jisung had always been much too emotional. It wasn’t that he wasn’t smart- Jisung had a showcase of talents, a variety of things that he was incredibly good at. It never used to be a big deal, not before they had started the ‘band.’ The nine of them had always been best friends, growing up the same block in a not so great area of the city? They knew, even as children, that they needed each other. Their chances as a group were far better than their chances as individuals. When they were younger, Jisung always got crushes easily. And it wasn’t the kind of thing was he would get one and then leave when someone else caught his eye. No, he fell in love with the strangest things. At least, what Minho considered strange. Jisung had gotten crushes on the little things that people did. Minho remembered that once, he had ended up confessing to someone in high school because of how they laughed. Because Jisung adored making them laugh. Within this same field, he had always been the more empathetic of the group. One day, while the rest of the boys played tag around the playground, Jisung came crying over. A bird’s mother had dropped the baby bird, and in its weak attempt to fly- it died. And Jisung was crying, sobbing over the fact that there was nothing he could do to save the bird. No one but Chan knew how to comfort Jisung properly, and even then it would take a while.

It had always been endearing, a charismatic character trait until their band. It started sophomore year of high school. Really, it turned out they were all inclined to the arts when they had taken a music and dance class in middle school. But that wasn’t the sort of thing you could be proud of, not around here. Eventually, the school pulled the funding for the class anyway. But their passion hadn’t died, and instead of meeting up to play rough or cause trouble in some public places, they san, dance, rapped. It felt transformative, and when they got their first gig- an underground club agreed to let them perform their music, they were over the moon. It was all the group of boys could talk about, becoming the conversation topic sooner or later.

Minho had known that the club would’ve been sketchy- every underground club around here only had one to be underground. And even if the rest of the boys pretended not to be aware, he was. Their performance was lively in the beginning, everyone pouring their soul into the performance but even when they realized that there was not-so-discreet deals, the passing of handshakes, angel dust crumbs still lingering on people’s nose. Maybe it was because they had nothing to compare it to at the time, but the crowd was nothing they’ve ever seen before. They were dancing, shouting, screaming the lyrics. Maybe it was wrong, they all knew there was something immoral about this- but they had never felt so accomplished. Misguided as they were, they all had an idea about what they were getting themselves into.

Jisung had mixed feelings, after the performance he was crying again. Both out of happiness, the thrill of singing, rapping, dancing- performing with an audience. But he felt as if he had wronged them somehow. As if he was the one selling them the packets, and soon, too soon, he would be. Jisung was the only one on the fence about doing so, even after the entirety of the group had decided: it was wrong, but necessary. There were worse they could do. Even the youngest had come to that conclusion in a matter of a few weeks. It wasn’t that they tried going it by the traditional way, uploading it online- seeking companies. But if they didn’t reject them altogether, producers would want to cut members of the group out. And it was nine or none. Chan, who was usually composed, would cry after they had gotten rejected- or if someone had said that a group member ‘just didn’t have it.’ It felt as though it was a failure on his part.

Until one day they just had enough.

Jisung had come around eventually. And quickly, very quickly, they had risen in popularity. They were a regular at NOT!, an underground club that had become exclusive when they didn’t have enough room to house all their fans. Stray kids, their self given name, were still giving their all within each and every performance. But behind the scenes, there they were moving and selling packages like there was no way they could be caught. But, this life was missing its flaws. One night, an incident occurred- it had to happen sometime. They were just lucky that no one had died. Shots were fired in NOT!, and although no one had died, it was enough to rupture chaos within the mix of sober and high people.

Jisung had cried that night.

It was only later that they learned that members of N/S had found their way into the club. The boys weren’t stupid, they knew it was risky to sell in their vicinity- but what they weren’t aware of, was how risky. As their popularity with the locals and city folk arose, so did the competition against N/S. And N/S didn’t appreciate it, not one bit. That night, everyone had looked over to Chan and Woojin, hoping they would have some type of answer.

But they didn’t.

The club owner made a suggestion to them, an offer. That night, each boy, regardless of license- left with a gun. They had reached the point of irreversible change. They were in it for the long run now, and there was no backing out. Tensions grew and grew between the two gangs, even though Woojin and Chan refuse to call it that. To them, Stray Kids was a band, and it was just a band. But they had collected fans, ones that could relate to their cause and because of that, they considered the tension between Stray Kids and N/S their fight to win, too. But they refused to stop making music, stop trying to be successful within their own realm. The boys began to leave behind the dealings, reduced the number of packages they moved. But the tension in the city was growing until it smothered everyone. But N/S didn’t care, and one day the unpredictable happened. A black car drove by and ended up hitting Jisung in the side of his thigh. Everyone was livid then, even after Jisung had fully recovered. Now, it was decided, that it was shoot on sight.

Jisung didn’t cry that night.

So, when Jisung talked about ____ so dreamily, the group had some major concerns.

“I understand, I know you really like them,” Chan was staring at his laptop, composing a new song as Woojin played some notes for him on the piano, “But it’s risky, you should wait until things die down.” Woojin played a melody and nodded his head. “I agree, this isn’t something you should be considering right now,” Woojin added, “We can still meet them ___, but you’ll have to distance yourself after that.” As if the last part hadn’t quite registered, Jisung immediately became hyper-active again, scrambling notes for lyrics in a notebook, all about ___.

It wasn’t that Minho didn’t like ___, they were a good person. They were kind and mellowed Jisung out. It was good to see a little more emotional ever since the drive-by. But Minho always thought when Jisung didn’t.

“You shouldn’t get ___ involved,” Minho sat Jisung down, “It’s already dangerous for you. You’re always talking about how anxious and careful they are, how much they care about you. You can’t involve them.”

“But I’m not,” Jisung said curtly, “I’m going to be careful.”

“You can’t promise anything, not when you know what we do.”

Minho felt like he was the only one willing to face reality, aware of both the damage and good they were doing. The good and evil they were capable of. He was the only one of the few who had come to terms with his mortality, the others opting to live in a dreamscape.

But nightmares would soon trespass.

The night of the flower shop incident, things had gone to shit real fast. The number of gunshots had increased exponentially, the feds cracking down on everybody. But somehow, never being able to find enough, the truth hidden somewhere in angel dust. The boys had chosen to go off the grid and warned Jisung if he didn’t, then ___ wouldn’t just be missing Jisung, they would be mourning over him. So he chose the lesser of two evils, disappearing in the dead of night.

Minho wasn’t usually one to act outside of the group’s decision, believing that for everyone to be able to get along- cooperation is key. But he thought it was strange, each member experiencing some sort of life-threatening event once leaving the karaoke bar? And ___’s shop getting the worst of it? So, before the boys woke up, Minho made his way to the flower shop.

He hadn’t expected to see you though, and he most definitely didn’t expect to have you caught in the crossfires. And once Minho had told the group what happened, there was no stopping Jisung from returning to the shop.

Very few times had Minho seen Jisung angry, and never, never had he seen Jisung as enraged as he was that night. Jisung was nearly fuming, Minho could imagine steam coming off of him. And as Jisung found the ex, sleeping in your bed, after obviously going through your stuff- being an awful, disgusting creep. Jisung had nearly killed him and would have if the guy wasn’t a good fighter. Jisung dragged him out of your room, and he toppled down the stairs like a bag of bricks. He had finally decided to run off, and Jisung was too angry to be relieved that the guy didn’t have a gun, or any weapon to fight back. This feeling in Jisung was primal, but the adrenaline had to come down sometime, and then, and only then did Jisung feel the pain of each cut and bruise that he had gotten, but not earned.

But he wanted to see you, he wanted to see you more than anyone he had ever wanted to see before. It was all he could think about as he toppled down in the guest room, hearing your cries. Even after he left that morning, he traced his fingers on his lips still thinking about you. He decided that he’d rather be beaten up several more times than ever have to see you in that state again. It became his mission, his life’s goal to take down N/S. It wasn’t easy, and after hearing that you were going to return to your beloved shop. He knew it was in vain, but he had to attempt to stop you- he couldn’t live with himself if he hadn’t at least tried, but that was before this. He would’ve never thought about this, not even in his nightmares could this have been happening.

You were in his arm, caught in a chokehold. Tears streaming down your face, gasping for air. The gun digging into the side of your head as Jisung pulled out his gun, pointing it at him.

“Go ahead,” he was laughing, face bright and happy, “But I’m not leaving without ___. To love and to hold, in sickness and in health. Up in heaven, or down on this hellish earth.”

Jisung didn’t know what to do, tears in his eyes as he shook, arms and beloved biceps trembling. He brought it down, face contorted with anger. And he watched, angry tears pouring out of his eyes as he watched you be taken away

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#stray kids #stray kids fanfic #stray kids imagines #stray kids han #stray kids han jisung #skz imagines #skz fic #skz han jisung #skz fluff #skz angst #han jisung #han jisung fanfic #han jisung imagine #han jisung imagines

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jedimaesteryoda · 5 years

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#MeToo in A Song of Ice and Fire

A Song of Ice and Fire has become one of the most popular and highly acclaimed fantasy series today. Martin’s magnum opus fits in the pantheon of high-fantasy alongside Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy and Jordan’s Wheel of Time.

It became increasingly popularized after it was adapted into the award winning series on HBO “Game of Thrones.” What helped to make the book series unique when compared to other high-fantasy stories was its deconstructive nature. Viewers of the show note its showing of nudity and gore, which one usually doesn’t see in fantasy on-screen. Many fantasy writers who set their books in a medieval setting, Tolkien included, portray medieval society as idealized and harmonious, but Martin chooses to display some of the harsh realities of a medieval world from the injustices of a society with a rigid class structure to the brutal realities of warfare with atrocities committed by both sides. For all intents and purposes, I am going to be focusing on the book series, and not the show based off it.

The subject I am going to focus on is how the series relates to #MeToo. #MeToo was originally a movement found by social activist and community organizer, Tarana Burke, in 2006 that promoted “empowerment through empathy” among women in underprivileged communities of color who suffered sexual abuse. Tarana was inspired to use the term after a 13 year-old girl confided in her that she had been sexually assaulted, and Tarana had been unable to respond, wishing she had replied simply “Me too.” In 2017, actress Alyssa Milano used the hashtag to spread awareness about sexual harassment and assault during the time victims of Hollywood mogul Harvey Weintein’s sexual abuse started coming out. The hashtag exploded with women coming with their stories of sexual harassment and assault both online and in public. A number of powerful male figures ended up getting outed by the victims of their sexual indiscretions from Hollywood stars and media moguls to politicians and Supreme Court Justice nominees.

I know at first glance for people who just see the show, #MeToo sounds like a weird subject given the amount of sex and cases of sexual assault on-screen (I blame Benioff and Weiss for scenes like Jaime and Cersei in the sept) and some in the text. However, numerous female characters, including point-of-view (POV) characters, are subject to moments that would fit in with #MeToo. The reader gets to see the threats faced by women in a highly patriarchal, restrictive society across age and class lines, and see how instructive it can be with regards to sexual abuse cases in real-life. There are plenty of cases in the series, but I am going to focus on a few.

Sansa Stark

Let us start with the POV character Sansa Stark, especially since the iconic phrase “Me Too” was inspired by the sexual abuse of a young girl. Sansa starts the series as a naïve, eleven year-old girl, who like many girls her age, even in the real world, has dreams of romance and lives in a dream world. She is in love with her betrothed, Joffrey, and has a rivalry with her less-than-conventional sister, Arya. However, her dream world later turns into a nightmare world with Cersei initiating a coup, and her betrothed beheading her father, and having her beaten when she displeases him. Throughout the series, Sansa suffers from numerous acts of sexual harassment, sexual assault and attempts at sexual assault.

As father of the realm, Joffrey took the place of Lord Eddard Stark. Sansa stood stiff as a lance as his hands came over her shoulders to fumble with the clasp of her cloak. One of them brushed her breast and lingered to give it a little squeeze.

-A Storm of Swords, Sansa III

"A king can have other women. Whores. My father did. One of the Aegons did too. The third one, or the fourth. He had lots of whores and lots of bastards." As they whirled to the music, Joff gave her a moist kiss. "My uncle will bring you to my bed whenever I command it."

Sansa shook her head. "He won't."

"He will, or I'll have his head. That King Aegon, he had any woman he wanted, whether they were married or no."

-A Storm of Swords, Sansa III

"Don't be sad, Sansa, once I've gotten Queen Margaery with child I'll visit your bedchamber and show my little uncle how it's done."

-A Storm of Swords, Sansa IV

When Joffrey is unclasping her cloak for her wedding, he takes the opportunity to grope her. When they dance, he forces a kiss on her, and tells her that he would make her his whore. Essentially, he tells her that he plans to not simply sleep with, but rape her whenever he wished. He also makes rape jokes in public to Sansa’s face. Sansa doesn’t retaliate or reprimand him for an obvious reason: he has his Kingsguard beat her whenever she opened her mouth against him or displeased him. Another reason is the same reason no one else present in those situations reprimands him: because he is the king, the head of state, one of the most powerful people in the Seven Kingdoms. However, he is also still a minor under Westerosi laws, and until he comes of age, governance is given to two people: the Regent and the Hand of the King. The Hand, his grandfather Lord Tywin Lannister, has a fearsome reputation that discourages others from reprimanding his grandson for his behavior, and the same could be said for the Queen Regent, his mother Cersei, who would never approve of people reprimanding her son in any way. Neither of the two adults who could reprimand Joffrey really care about Sansa either. Sansa on the other hand has no power as a ward and hostage, or rather prisoner, in the royal court of King’s Landing. None of the adults are willing to help her with the only exception being Tyrion. Essentially, Sansa has little to no protection from Joffrey’s unwanted sexual indiscretions.

Sansa is later rescued from King’s Landing, and is taken to the Vale in hiding by Lord Petyr Baelish, also known as Littlefinger. While no longer having to put up with Joffrey’s sexual indiscretions, Sansa isn’t any safer with Baelish.

"I told you that nothing could please me more than to help you with your castle. I fear that was a lie as well. Something else would please me more." He stepped closer. "This."

Sansa tried to step back, but he pulled her into his arms and suddenly he was kissing her. Feebly, she tried to squirm, but only succeeded in pressing herself more tightly against him. His mouth was on hers, swallowing her words. He tasted of mint. For half a heartbeat she yielded to his kiss . . . before she turned her face away and wrenched free. "What are you doing?"

Petyr straightened his cloak. "Kissing a snow maid."

-A Storm of Swords, Sansa VII

"I did not expect you back so soon," she said. "I am glad you've come."

"I would never have known it from the kiss you gave me." He pulled her closer, caught her face between his hands, and kissed her on the lips for a long time. "Now that's the sort of kiss that says welcome home. See that you do better next time."

"Yes, Father." She could feel herself blushing.

-A Feast for Crows, Alayne II

Petyr, a man aged in his late thirties, forces a kiss on a thirteen year-old girl more than once. The first time she made it clear to him she didn’t like it, and he continues in spite of it. He is Lord Protector of the Vale with the household of the Eyrie under his control, and she has hardly any friends at court. I’m not even mentioning that he is essentially sexually grooming her throughout their relationship. Sexual grooming is the practice where an adult influences a child so they can be able to draw them into a sexual relationship. There are six stages according to forensic psychiatrist Dr. Michael Welner.

Stage 1: Targeting the victim

The offender targets a victim by sizing up the child's vulnerability—emotional neediness, isolation and lower self-confidence. Children with less parental oversight are more desirable prey. Petyr clearly targeted Sansa since they met. Sansa loses her father, her mother is far away and later dies, had her only friend Jeyne taken from her. She is isolated at the Red Keep with no real friends, and the constant abuse from the Lannister family lowered her own self-confidence.

Stage 2: Gaining the victim's trust

The sex offender gains trust by watching and gathering information about the child, getting to know his needs and how to fill them. In this regard, sex offenders mix effortlessly with responsible caretakers. Petyr knows that Sansa is a romantic, and fond of chivalrous knights and uses Ser Dontos as a go-between under the guise of one. Petyr is a member of the Lannisters’ small council, who are her guardians for the first three books.

Stage 3: Filling a need

Once the sex offender begins to fill the child's needs, that adult may assume noticeably more importance in the child's life and may become idealized. Gifts, extra attention, affection may distinguish one adult in particular. Petyr knows that Sansa wants a knight who will protect her, and so uses Ser Dontos to pretend to help her, acting as a “true knight.” He also acts as her protector and savior, taking her away from King’s Landing, and hiding her from the Lannisters. He acts as her guardian as well, knowing she lost her father.

Stage 4: Isolating the child

The grooming sex offender uses the developing special relationship with the child to create situations in which they are alone together. This isolation further reinforces a special connection. Petyr takes her away from King’s Landing to a ship where they share a small cabin, his tower that he rules, and later the Eyrie. As the Lord Protector of the Vale, the Eyrie is under his control.

Stage 5: Sexualizing the relationship

At a stage of sufficient emotional dependence and trust, the offender progressively sexualizes the relationship. Desensitization occurs through talking, pictures, even creating situations in which both offender and victim are naked. When teaching a child, the grooming sex offender has the opportunity to shape the child's sexual preferences and can manipulate what a child finds exciting and extend the relationship in this way. The child comes to see her/himself as a more sexual being and to define the relationship with the offender in more sexual and special terms.

Petyr kisses Sansa in the godswood, and later, kisses her again when they are at the Gates of the Moon. When teaching her about relationships, he also tells her that “young girls were always happiest with older men. ‘Innocence and experience make for a perfect marriage.’”

Stage 6: Maintaining control

Once the sex abuse is occurring, offenders commonly use secrecy and blame to maintain the child's continued participation and silence, particularly because the sexual activity may cause the child to withdraw from the relationship. Children in these entangled relationships confront threats to blame them, to end the relationship and to end the emotional and material needs they associate with the relationship. The child may feel that the loss of the relationship and the consequences of exposing it will humiliate and render them even more unwanted.

Petyr maintains Sansa’s silence through the fact he is providing her a place to hide and protection. If she wanted to run away, where would she go? She is a fugitive wanted for regicide with a large reward posted for her capture, and Petyr’s plan made her an accessory to regicide. Her home of Winterfell is burned and all her family believed dead with the North having come under the rule of the Boltons who are backed by the Lannisters. The need for protection he provides and the potential loss of a sanctuary or place to call home is her reason for not leaving. She was also present when Petyr pushed Lysa out the moon door to her death, again, making her an accessory to murder. Though, he likely won’t, he could always threaten to turn her over to the Lannisters, which would be a death sentence. In other words, Sansa has nowhere else to go, and at Littlefinger’s mercy. She can’t appeal to anyone to stop his acts of sexual assault.

Of course, Petyr wasn’t the first person in the Vale to make unwanted sexual advances to Sansa, that dishonor goes to a singer named Marillion.

"Alayne." Her aunt's singer stood over her. "Sweet Alayne. I am Marillion. I saw you come in from the rain. The night is chill and wet. Let me warm you."

The old dog raised his head and growled, but the singer gave him a cuff and sent him slinking off, whimpering.

"Marillion?" she said, uncertain. "You are . . . kind to think of me, but . . . pray forgive me. I am very tired."

"And very beautiful. All night I have been making songs for you in my head. A lay for your eyes, a ballad for your lips, a duet to your breasts. I will not sing them, though. They were poor things, unworthy of such beauty." He sat on her bed and put his hand on her leg. "Let me sing to you with my body instead."

She caught a whiff of his breath. "You're drunk."

"I never get drunk. Mead only makes me merry. I am on fire." His hand slipped up to her thigh. "And you as well."

"Unhand me. You forget yourself."

"Mercy. I have been singing love songs for hours. My blood is stirred. And yours, I know . . . there's no wench half so lusty as one bastard born. Are you wet for me?"

"I'm a maiden," she protested.

"Truly? Oh, Alayne, Alayne, my fair maid, give me the gift of your innocence. You will thank the gods you did. I'll have you singing louder than the Lady Lysa."

Sansa jerked away from him, frightened. "If you don't leave me, my au—my father will hang you. Lord Petyr."

"Littlefinger?" He chuckled. "Lady Lysa loves me well, and I am Lord Robert's favorite. If your father offends me, I will destroy him with a verse." He put a hand on her breast, and squeezed. "Let's get you out of these wet clothes. You wouldn't want them ripped, I know. Come, sweet lady, heed your heart—"

-A Storm of Swords, Sansa VI

Let’s go through what happened step-by-step. He starts by coming onto her in a creepy, no-so-subtle way, and she replies that she’s tired, basically signaling that she isn’t interested. He then directly propositions her, and responds by inappropriately touching her leg. He then gropes her thigh, which alone is an act of sexual assault. She responds by telling him to stop, and he acts like he doesn’t care. She protests that she is a virgin, and he continues to press, saying that she would like it if she lost her virginity to him. Desperate, she then resorts to threatening him as a way to get him to stop, saying he would be hanged if he tried to force himself on her. He responds by saying that his patrons are the ruling Lady and the young Lord of the Eyrie who hold him high in their esteem, protecting him from punishment and retribution by her father. He then escalates by groping her breast, and is clearly intending to rape her. He doesn’t see it that way; like so many rapists, he is telling himself as well as her that in spite of what she says, she actually wants it and she would like it. It was only Ser Lothor Brune’s intervention that stopped him. Of course, Brune’s protection is selective as he isn’t able to stop Littlefinger’s advances given Littlefinger is his employer, and only protected Sansa that night on Littlefinger’s orders.

Sansa found herself in situations many girls unfortunately find themselves in. Many young girls have been preyed upon by older male figures who have charge over them from male guardians to schoolteachers. The younger they are, the more vulnerable they are, and the more easily they can be threatened and manipulated into staying silent regarding their abuse. Sexual grooming contains one of the largest power imbalances since it is between an adult and a child. There are plenty of cases: serial predator Robert Kelly and Aaliyah (27 and 15 respectively), President Emmanuel Macron and his wife Bridgette (15 and 40, she was his high school teacher) and Jerry Lee Lewis and his cousin, Myra Brown (23 and 13, she still believed in Santa Claus).

Let’s look at the issue in the case of an older, more powerful woman.

Cersei Lannister

Cersei is a POV character by the fourth book, and isn’t a character one would usually call sympathetic. She is narcissistic, cruel and abusive with no qualms about killing innocents, even children. She even went so far as to have Sansa’s direwolf killed for something her sister’s direwolf did. We know that she hated her royal husband, Robert, as he was blatantly unfaithful, not even keeping his affairs discrete, and on their wedding knight he whispered his late betrothed’s name into her ear. However, we later learned of another reason she had to hate him.

use her as a man would use her, the way Robert would use her when the drink was in him, and she was unable to bring him off with hand or mouth.

Those had been the worst nights, lying helpless underneath him as he took his pleasure, stinking of wine and grunting like a boar. Usually he rolled off and went to sleep as soon as it was done, and was snoring before his seed could dry upon her thighs. She was always sore afterward, raw between the legs, her breasts painful from the mauling he would give them. The only time he'd ever made her wet was on their wedding night . . . For Robert, those nights never happened. Come morning he remembered nothing, or so he would have had her believe. Once, during the first year of their marriage, Cersei had voiced her displeasure the next day. "You hurt me," she complained. He had the grace to look ashamed. "It was not me, my lady," he said in a sulky sullen tone, like a child caught stealing apple cakes from the kitchen. "It was the wine. I drink too much wine." To wash down his admission, he reached for his horn of ale. As he raised it to his mouth, she smashed her own horn in his face, so hard she chipped a tooth. Years later at a feast, she heard him telling a serving wench how he'd cracked the tooth in a mêlée. Well, our marriage was a mêlée, she reflected, so he did not lie.

The rest had all been lies, though. He did remember what he did to her at night, she was convinced of that. She could see it in his eyes. He only pretended to forget; it was easier to do that than to face his shame. Deep down Robert Baratheon was a coward. In time the assaults did grow less frequent. During the first year he took her at least once a fortnight; by the end it was not even once a year. He never stopped completely, though. Sooner or later there would always come a night when he would drink too much and want to claim his rights. What shamed him in the light of day gave him pleasure in the darkness.

-A Feast for Crows, Cersei VII

Robert was an alcoholic, and there were times when he got drunk and then forced himself on his wife. The first year of their marriage was marked by Robert’s marital rapes at a frightening frequency of once a fortnight or every two weeks. She couldn’t divorce him, since this is a society where the concept of divorce doesn’t exist, and annulment was also out of the question since neither her husband nor father would allow it. Robert was also king, and being the ultimate authority she couldn’t have him arrested. She didn’t turn to her father given even though he was one of the most powerful lords in Westeros, he was on the other side of the continent, and even so, he had arranged the marriage, and was more concerned with his grandchildren sitting the Iron Throne and the glory of his house than his daughter. She didn’t tell her brother Jaime either given she knew he would respond by trying to kill Robert and that would mean Jaime would die as well.

Even being a powerful figure like the Queen of Westeros who was the daughter of a powerful lord, and the sister of the best swordsman in the Seven Kingdoms couldn’t protect her from the dangers of rape. Essentially, she was trapped in her abusive marriage. The only way out was by murdering her husband (admittedly not the only reason she had Robert killed, there were clearly other reasons as well).

"Please. Have you given any thought to what Joffrey will do when I tell him you murdered his father to bed his mother?"

"It was not like that!" Lancel protested, horrified.

"No? What was it like, pray?"

"The queen gave me the strongwine! Your own father Lord Tywin, when I was named the king's squire, he told me to obey her in everything."

"Did he tell you to fuck her too?" Look at him. Not quite so tall, his features not so fine, and his hair is sand instead of spun gold, yet still . . . even a poor copy of Jaime is sweeter than an empty bed, I suppose. "No, I thought not."

"I never meant . . . I only did as I was bid, I . . ."

-A Clash of Kings, Tyrion VII

"Did you force her [Cersei]?"

"No! I [Lancel] loved her. I wanted to protect her."

-A Feast for Crows, Jaime IV

Cersei’s relationship with sexual abuse is made complicated by the fact the she abused her position as queen to take advantage of her teenaged cousin and Robert’s squire, Lancel. She proves to be a victimizer as well as victim. It is something not as commonly seen, as it is usually a powerful man using his power over a woman below him in the power structure, but there are cases where the genders in this situation are reversed. Lancel was consenting, but he was no older than sixteen and he was very inexperienced as opposed to Cersei, a woman in her thirties who has more experience. This is shown is his comments on their relationship in A Feast for Crows, where Lancel says that he “loved her” and “wanted to protect her.” Those aren’t the words of a mature man, but a vulnerable, inexperienced teenage boy. She slept with him for both sexual gratification, and as a way to manipulate him into being her pawn, exchanging sex for loyalty. In this world, it would be a clear case of statutory rape, but even if one overlooks the fact that sixteen is considered the age of maturity in Westeros, she is also guilty of professional exploitation and workplace harassment. A CEO would risking losing his position if he did that with an intern, and with one US President, Bill Clinton, it got him impeached.

We saw a similar case in the real-world with Asia Argento, herself one of Harvey Weinstein’s victims, being accused by a young actor, Jimmy Bennett, of sexual assaulting him in a hotel room when he was 17 years-old.

It’s not the only time Cersei commits sexual assault.

She wondered what it would feel like to suckle on those breasts, to lay the Myrish woman on her back and push her legs apart and use her as a man would use her, the way Robert would use her when the drink was in him, and she was unable to bring him off with hand or mouth.

. . .

Cersei cupped the other woman's breast. Softly at first, hardly touching, feeling the warmth of it beneath her palm, the skin as smooth as satin. She gave it a gentle squeeze, then ran her thumbnail lightly across the big dark nipple, back and forth and back and forth until she felt it stiffen. When she glanced up, Taena's eyes were open. "Does that feel good?" she asked.

"Yes," said Lady Merryweather.

"And this?" Cersei pinched the nipple now, pulling on it hard, twisting it between her fingers.

The Myrish woman gave a gasp of pain. "You're hurting me." "It's just the wine. I had a flagon with my supper, and another with the widow Stokeworth. I had to drink to keep her calm." She twisted Taena's other nipple too, pulling until the other woman gasped. "I am the queen. I mean to claim my rights."

"Do what you will." Taena's hair was as black as Robert's, even down between her legs, and when Cersei touched her there she found her hair all sopping wet, where Robert's had been coarse and dry. "Please," the Myrish woman said, "go on, my queen. Do as you will with me. I'm yours."

-A Feast for Crows, Cersei VII

Cersei in this scene is intent on re-enacting her assaults at the hands of Robert, only this time she is the victimizer. One can clearly see this with the line “I am the queen. I mean to claim my rights,” and blame her actions on “just the wine,” using the same terminology she used to describe Robert’s rapes as well as Robert’s excuses for the rapes. She starts when Taena is asleep, and unable to give consent. Taena does give what would appear to be consent when awake, but is she in any position to refuse? Taena had hardly any agency in that situation at all as Cersei clearly wasn’t going to take “no” for an answer, and she is the Queen Regent, the head of government, while Taena is there only at her pleasure. Cersei has Taena’s life and likely that of her family in her hands, and Taena also knows how harsh and unforgiving Cersei can be.

Cersei’s assault of Taena shows that one doesn’t necessarily need to be a man to engage in harassment, and even women can engage in it against other women. There is a case where HSBC executive Eileen Hedges, a heterosexual married woman who like Cersei rose to a high-powered position in a male-dominated environment, systematically harassed her subordinate, Jill. When Jill threatened to quit, Eileen responded that she had Jill’s career in her hands and could respond by telling her potential employers of her affairs at HSBC, hurting her chances of finding work outside her current job. Behavior like the kind Eileen displayed also happens since the people who witness it are afraid to come forward given they could face retaliation as well.

Being a victim of abuse doesn’t stop her from being an abuser. As someone who hasn’t had much control over her life with her father and husband making choices for her, she gets to be the one in control in this situation, and exercise power over another individual. Sexual assault ultimately is about power with regards to who can perpetrate it against whom.

Instances among the Smallfolk

The two people I’ve mentioned, Sansa and Cersei, are both highborn ladies, the daughters of powerful lords who were Wardens. We so far have talked about sexual assault and harassment only through the experience of members of the upper class. When it comes to smallfolk, they are generally more vulnerable to rape than highborn. Highborn ladies of ruling families have swords to defend their honor as well as chivalry while lowborn women don’t.

"Aye. My mother was a washerwoman at Cider Hall till one of milord's sons raped her. Makes me a sort o' brown apple Fossoway, the way I see it."

-A Dance with Dragons, The Lost Lord

Franklyn Flowers’s mother worked at Cider Hall, and was raped by one of her employers. She likely wasn’t able to press charges against him, given the judge who would be presiding over the case would be her liege, the Knight of Cider Hall, who was her attacker’s father. The other judge she could appeal her case to would be the Fossoways’ liege lord, Lord Tyrell. Both her attacker and his father undoubtedly knew Lord Tyrell personally, and Tyrell likely wouldn’t have wanted to alienate his bannerman by punishing his son. It would have been Fossoway’s word against hers, and there is a good chance Tyrell would have been likely to either dismiss the case or acquit him. The Knight of Cider Hall, by virtue of being her liege, is also her landlord, and her rapist could potentially retaliate by having his father evict her family, leaving them unemployed and homeless. He could also visit her home with some of his castle’s garrison to intimidate them.

Warning Spoilers for The Winds of Winter ahead

“I have not been raped, if that is what you’re asking,” the old woman said. “Some of the serving girls have been less fortunate. Married or unmarried, the men make no distinctions. “

“No one’s been doing any raping,” insisted Young John Mudd. “Connington won’t have that. We follow orders.”

Chain nodded. “Some girls was persuaded, might be.”

“The same way our smallfolk were persuaded to give you all their crops. Melons or maidenheads, it’s all the same to your sort. If you want it, you take it.”

-The Winds of Winter, Arianne II

When the Golden Company occupies Mistwood, Lady Mertyns states that serving girls at the castle are raped by some of the mercenaries. Mudd replies to the accusations of rape by denying them, and Chain does the same by saying they were “persuaded.” Well, how hard would it be for an armed man who won’t take “no” for an answer to persuade a defenseless serving girl? Their attackers are literally armed, and could just force the girls at the point of a sword or a dagger. If the girls tried to have their attackers charged, their case wouldn’t be brought to who would usually be the judge in this case, Lady Mertyns, who would undoubtedly have been sympathetic towards them, but the Golden Company who has the estate under occupation and thus, final authority. The officers in the Golden Company would be the ones hearing the case, and if the comments of the serjeants are anything to go by, it would just be dismissed. That is without saying that the girls, like many victims of rape and sexual assault, would have to deal with the fear of retaliation by their attackers and their cohorts for coming forward.

Conclusion:

With all these #MeToo situations in A Song of Ice and Fire, the factor in common that played a huge role in how sexual abuse was perpetrated and the abusers were able to get away with it was power dynamics. The perpetrators of sexual abuse are either powerful men (or women in Cersei’s case) or protected by powerful individuals and/or institutions whether it be the feudal hierarchy or the Golden Company. In Sansa and Cersei’s cases, their abusers were the most powerful figures in a feudal society: kings. No king has ever been arrested for anything. The smallfolk women were preyed upon by either a well-connected, highborn man like Fossoway or mercenaries serving in the company that controlled the area. Just to give one example in how power dynamics works, in the case of Marillion, Sansa was posing as Petyr’s bastard daughter, Alayne, and in the Vale, as the bastard daughter of the smallest of lords, the singer with the support of House Arryn has more power and influence between the two. However, there is a good chance Marillion wouldn’t have tried it if he knew who she actually was. As the trueborn daughter of House Stark and (supposed) heiress to Winterfell as well as niece and cousin to the Lady and Lord of the Eyrie respectively, the power dynamic shifts in her favor.

This is a pattern we can often see in the real world, especially in situations of workplace abuse. Serial abuser Harvey Weinstein was protected by his status as a powerful Hollywood mogul with high-profile connections going as far as the Clintons while the women he preyed upon were generally young actresses whose careers he could threaten. Roger Ailes was the Chairman and CEO of Fox News and Fox News Television Stations where news anchors like Gretchen Carlson, Megyn Kelly and Andrea Tantaros worked (all of whom were harassed by him). Sexual abuse and harassment is very much about power, as in many cases, the abusers have the connections and status to shield them from potential consequences for their actions while the abused are usually deficient in these things when compared to their abusers. It is often perpetrated by powerful individuals against their subordinates, people below them in the corporate hierarchy. The victims are almost never people above the abusers in the corporate hierarchy who could potentially threaten their careers. And like in Westeros, heads of state in the modern world have been abusers, including US Presidents.

The women in the book series were afraid to come forward out of not just the fear of their claims being dismissed by authority figures, but potential retaliation from their attackers and their associates best exemplified by Sansa knowing she would be beaten by Joffrey’s Kingsguard if she did. Tantaros complained about Ailes’s sexual harassment to executives, and it only resulted in her facing retaliation by being demoted and then taken off the air. Eliza Dushku confronted her “Bull” show co-star and lead, Michael Weatherly, over his uncomfortable behavior such as comments about her appearance, a rape joke and a comment on a threesome. It ended up in her character being written off the show and her being fired. Danielle Hartley, who worked as an assistant to Larry Wallace, senior aide for then California Attorney General Kamala Harris, accused him of sexual harassment only to be transferred to another department. Weinstein threatened a number of his victims that he could use his connections and clout as a Hollywood mogul to prevent them from finding work in Hollywood along with threats of violence. People who witness it are afraid to come forward as well. One employee in the HSBC harassment case, Mike Picarella, came forward (anonymously) to protect Jill from Eileen’s harassment, and it just resulted in the executives, looking out for one of their own, destroying his career. He not only lost his job at the bank, but was practically blacklisted from the industry with him having trouble finding work in his field, not even able to get a job as an operations manager at a retirement home.

In short, while the medieval Westeros and modern-day real world are two completely different settings with regards to technological advancement, society and forms of government, both suffer from some of the same shortcomings. They are patriarchal societies where sexual abuse is commonplace, and in too many cases, tolerated. People (mostly men) take advantage of power imbalances to target others for sexual harassment and abuse, relying on their position, wealth and/or connections for protection.

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black-they · 2 years

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“Speaking of nirvana,

It was there.”

- Seigfried, Frank Ocean

Looking back on my relationship and getting over sophie, ive learned a lot honestly learned a lot. I feel a lot more mature but just as naïve and impulsive yk? Its such a paradox, 20. I feel like this quote reminds me of that. 20 is complex like its not just one emotion or intensity. And within that theres great goods. Really beautiful shit but u can miss it if you dont push throw the reallllly shitty majority. Like imagine having come across nirvanna and having been searching for something somehow greater, than youll not appreciate having literally walked through the highest of high. I think 20 is poetic. Reoccuring themes happen, like a real vinegette and shit. You start to come into your skills. Fighure out who and what really makes your soul smile. You learn how to take care of yourself; its almost like a year long motherhood phase. You learn your own favorite foods, and when u need to tap out, or just nap. However new borns cry a lotttt and mothers barely get any sleep, but all mothers find it a minimal sacrifice for a literal miracle. For 20s it takes a little convincingtho. 20 is also humbling. You realize your real mortality often. If not through really poorly planned nights or questioning when your next meal or smile. You love really hard too. Idk i have BPD technically but u do stupid shit in love for sure. You let people treat u in a way that wouldve gotten your younger brother slapped by u if said to me 5 years ago. But i really loved them. I think thats whats been making it so hard to chose an emotion of how i feel about the situation and it’s lingering effects. Im proud that i could love so hard. Scared of how i had no clue how much i would sacrifice my own happiness to do so, and further, how long it took me to realize. But i loved. I loved. I can say i have loved and that an honor. The cold kisses from the passenger seat on drives home in December while our song played were real to me. They made me stomach flip and twirl like in the movies. So what if they were just passing time or getting a sick thrill from abusing someone, i loved; i did my part and enjoyed at least that. I was struggling with listening to our song (Obstacles by DOLKINS) but i realized i can look back on those memories with a fondness. At the time i felt a lot of joy. And i can ruminate on that instead, center myself. The song now feels empowering almost. I made an original association and just up and changed it. I think thats when ur really over someone. Not when u want nothing to do with them, or when u hate them, or even when they hurt you: it when u start changing the meanings of the things they had defined in ur life. When you start making independent rules for yourself rather than that couple hive mind co regulatting eachothers feelings. Anyways i just feel like i can look back and feel the pain and know im moving further from it daily and that it just taught me a lot about myself. I can even smile at the good times and know that doesnt take away from what they did and our status but i did enjoy myself. Anyways i felt like that needed to be said

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i-want-to-be-manhandled · 6 years

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more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender.

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea.

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice.

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw, and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao). like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior

#kieran screams into the void #to t or not to t #that is the question #i think i should go on t after rereading this post #but im still a lil skeptical bc of that anxiety ya know #also pls laugh your ass off at my dumb high school self #im here to provide the most quality entertainment #it took me 3 hours to type this

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wang-yeon · 6 years

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Fragile Bones| Taehyung

Having a child had been the toughest aspect of your life however as you meet Tae everything seemed to vanish. Oh how you were wrong, Tae holds a passion with under ground fighting that you cant bear even but whats the damage it could cost. He has been a father like visual to your child for all this time and now he begins to to lose these moments because of his love for illegal fighting. You have the choice to understand his ways or leave him and move along

Warning: Smut, cursing, violence hunnty, fighter tae!

Genre: Smut angst possibly fluff

Word count: 13K

A/N: Sorry ive been gone ive been taking exams and honey i am stressed but im finished so now i can focus on what more important you guys and BTS beauty also there is most likely spelling errors i wanted to get his up as soon as i could for you guys

I traced the outline of his fragile bones, each holding a defined darkened bruise. Along the busted and bruised skin came along scars of his past markings. Scars that held different reasons of each but all coming together mixing on his body as it was seen as a damage canvas of injury had been permanently marked on his body without any worry. The opponent had caused the damage as Tae along with his scared body was apart of an underground fighting rink. He had willing done this to his body and he was perfectly fine with it as it was what he loved, somewhere along the line i wish i was fine with his passion too. The top reasons why i had found no interest in the idea was the fact that he would get hurt and that we had a child living under our roof who was frequently seeing the great pain that was relished upon him. It was sore for Dylans eyes especially as when he first laid eyes on his bruised skin he began to grow worried and ask questions but as Tae quickly dismissed that he was a bad guy fighting crime. I smiled upon the memory of my two favorite men in my life. Dylan hadnt been biologically been Tae's son however he saw him like a father and addressed him as one. He never knew his actually father as he left at the tender of before knowing how to walk, even before then Tae had taken the place of his official father figure before he could draw any questions. Even in life we managed to have bruises and bumps but along the way you may meet someone to heal these wounds, however not all wounds are heal able. Tae was living proof of so.

After i finished looking over his back i lightly tapped him signalling. He slightly flinched at the not so gentle touch as i was providing him causing me to usher out a gentle sorry. He let out a shaken breathe as he shifted his body allowing me to get a full view of his slightly tampered face, however it still managed to look as picturesque as usually. I carefully cleaned his face watching him flinch at each wipe i provided him with as well did I. I felt him looking at me with his golden honey eyes not focusing on his own pain rather than mine. It always amazed me how he took in others feelings rather than his hence the reason he started this whole thing. We had been struggling for quiet some time before he decided to partake in this as i was struggling with jobs, till i finally decided to land one. However he still participated in it as he began to realize this small job he did to provided for our family was his true passion that he had to stick with so i sought out my best to follow along his side.

"You dont have to worry about me, Ill be fine and im still fine."

"Your scars speak other wise."

I pressed down on one bruised partially rough causing him to winch showing him that i was right in the situation. I keep on this time taking in a gentle approach on cleaning his face. I still felt his eyes longing for mine however i still continued cleaning his face. I had felt myself becoming suborn however a common trait along with this was that i hadnt cared if i was feeling this way or not. I had felt myself wanting to look at him but i kept on wanting to feel something that would allow me to have a sense of power but in reality it was pointless and I had no reason to do so.

"Please, just look at me."

I felt my orbs look down at him in a glance before looking back at other features of his face. I keep on with my actions before i felt Taes rough hands travel to my cheeks causing my lips to pucker out and create the feeling of my cheeks being big and chubby. I felt him guide my face to his as he let out a victorious smirk before i felt his lips mold with mine causing me to soften from my previous mood. The kiss was light and sweet enough to bring me to the state of the very first moment we had meet and the bound filled emotions I had felt however the moment had came to an end rather to soon still causing a smile to paint itself on my features.

"I can taste the blood on your lips."

"I thought you were into that."

I laughed shaking my head slightly at his words. Even in the mist of his injuries he had managed to make me smile causing his eyes to soften upon my features. He grew out of his pain by seeing the joy off others as he grew in anger seeing the angered words of his opines

He varied in emotions and at times it grew worrisome but he never gave me the reason to be scared of him and i knew i never would

"I could literally watch you smile all day, and definitely in the creepy way. However Now we need to get some rest the both of us, we've had a long day."

"Mostly you."

"What? Are you kidding me, you literally juggle a high end job all while being an amazing mother. You are what the kids call a MILF."

"Milf?"

"Ill explain later my innocent child but for now we have to go to bed."

I felt his hand ruffle my hair while he got up off of the the coach gesturing a hand to lift me off the couch as well. I lifted myself up as he guided me down the hall leading to our bedroom. Tae had been leading the way as we had been approaching our sons door as the door had been peaked open slightly leaving minimal light to travel into his room but just enough to see shadows passing through it. Dylan had seen Taes shadow pass through as he let out an audio able noise to make himself known.

"Dad?"

Tae turned and slightly opened the door allowing for Dylan to see his facial outline as the room was dark while the light attempted to come through in the room. Tae directed his attention to him as i stood besides tae taking in the unfolded scene. I had always been slight envious over their relationship as Dylan always could talk to Tae more than he could with me considering he was a boy himself. However i never let that get in my way as i knew that i rather have them have a healthy relationship.

"Yeah, Dyl?"

"Fighting."

They proceed to put their fist in the air as Dylan let out a tiny smile before curling back into bed. It had been their own little signal to each other a handshake but something much more significant. It was another from of I love you but held greater meaning as they were the only people they knew who shared a saying like so. Their were thousands of people transmitting this three letter words however they were the only two people ushering these words to each other in such significance.

I carefully walked past his door letting out a small kiss to him as he kissed me back smiling before turning back in his bed to proceed his sleep. As we keep on our way down the hall Taes arm looped around mine as we reached the bedroom ushering me in first into the darkened room. I felt myself collapse against the bed feeling the softened but only feeling more comfort feeling Taes arm back around my shoulders bringing me in for a engulfed embrace. I felt myself drift in and out of sleep before feeling the sleep taking me over completely all while Taes busted and bruised being held me tightly.

The eager morning had been spent with the loud ear shaking alarm and Dylan and Tae racing McDonald toys on the coffee table. The mornings had always been hectic resulting in me providing for everyone's care and not my own however it always managed to work out as i was use to it and it seemed to go smoothly as Tae was in charge of driving us around. Tae had been drumming on his steering wheel while Dylan laid in the back sighting ever word that ushered out of the radio. All while I was displayed in the front seat fitting in my seat adjusting my attire as Tae genteelly placed my thigh telling me everything will be okay however today was rather different as words other than song ushered past Dylans lips.

"All the kids at school make fun of me because i dont have a dad."

The question had certainly thrown us for a loop especially Tae as it was directed to him. He glanced in the mirror at Dylan furrowing his eyes as he sat their oblivious to the claim he had stated. Tae had gotten himself together before he answered his question to the best of the abilities.

"But what do you mean im your dad and im perfectl fine."

"Yeah but you never go to my class thingys."

+I had heard the slight pain in his voice even for his age it had seemed to have a great affect on him causing my heart to tense. I could however tell it had the most affect on Taes behalf as he was the one responsible for his pain. A combination of Taes pain and his sons was the epitome of a chaos mixed pain that he was left with.

"But i know that my dad isnt like other dads hes a fighter!"

Tae smiled it off trying to show that the conversation hadnt emotionally took a toll on him. I could tell in his features it had. Tae was so caught up in his training and fights he had neglected his true passion being his son. He wasnt the one to blame as he was blinded by what he loved but when the light shown through he realized what had actually been occurring.

"You know Dyl pickle has a pumpkin carving event at 2:30 and i dont know maybe we could go, i promise as your parents we wont embarrass you."

I turned my head to Dylan and scanning Tae to see their answers. I had seen Dylan physically beam at the thought causing a smile to commence my lips as well as Taes.I had believed he wouldnt mess this event up as i could see his mood lighten at the thought of actually being able to have a better understand of his son.

"Oh of course you can come just please dont embarress me in front of Jisoo."

Tae and Is eyes bulged at the simple name making us smirk at the name and causing Dylan to tense. Luckily enough we had been at the drop off signalling Dylan to open his door in a hurry and bolted off to school. However he hadnt bolted off quick enough for us to usher one last embarrassing thing past out lips.

"If that Jisoo chick even thinks about breaking your heart tell her your dads a fighter."

Tae smiled at his own comment before rolling the window back up not glancing at our sons facial expression. I had known it had been a mix of embarrassed of emotions all of thee witch probably wasnt the best thing to do in a parental situation however it still remained slightly funny especially the reaction displayed. I let out a stiffed laugh trying not to encouraging his behavior as i knew it was terrible but choose the longer road with Tae.

I felt Tae squeeze my tight as he drove off to my work still humming to the car tunes. The car remained in a bliss filled silence focusing on the drive ahead till my words dawned upon me on what would relay on this evening. One thing was for certain about what was to occur in the next few hours of Dylans school.

"We are definetly going to embaress him at the pumkin carving eveent."

"And if we dont then we already did."

Tae high fived me in a sense of humor. It wasnt that we were trilled that we had been embarrassing our kid but rather that the simple act of parenting is hard and we must pick on our kid to show them how unperfect we truly are and teaching them that its okay. Also having a sense of humor about the whole ordeal. My little son had developed a crush and I had been freaking out inside however i managed to make a joke of it, i knew this wouldnt work in every situation but i aimed to make jokes in the small things to make them lighter. I hope Dylan would endure this gene from me.

Work had been filled with a honor filled dread being piled up with paper work of unnecessary paper work with the occasional sexual glances my boss had thrown my way haddnt been adding to a glorious delight. Things had only gone increasingly worst as i had been waiting outside for a long period of time for Tae. I watched my other co-workers who had been dismissed from their shift at work making me wonder ever more where Tae had taken place. I tried to remember if he had any fights today but nothing had come to mind. He usually tells me about working hours however this time he hadnt said a thing. Possibly he was doing something else besides fighting but i found it hard to believe as this was his only hobby. Either way it hadnt given him an excuses to miss the effort to pick me up as well as missing out on my sons pumpkin craving event. Tae had always been willing to put in the extra motive for Dylan especially since he hadnt been his biological father however i as well as myself see him as his father. I had remembered the first time we had begun to talk before all of this madness had created itself nothing had been going wrong however as i feel the cold breeze pass by me im reminded on how things were as of now.

I felt my hands hover over the phone clicking on Taes contact. As my finger hovered over the icon i looked at the picture displaying three people, more importantly me Tae and Dylan. We all had smiles painted on our face bu one was more ambitious than the most, Dylans. He had been gracious to have both of his parents previewing to be happy in the single photo causing him such joy. I hadnt wanted to give up on Tae and believed that possibly he had been a few minutes late. I hesitantly pressed the call option pressing the phone to my ear looking at the cold breathe coming out my mouth whispering the words that were to come out my mouth.

"Hello?"

"Tae, Its Y/N i know your probaly running just a little lat-"

"Ha! Im just messing with you this is actually my voice mail i got you good didnt I."

I rolled my eyes at his playful behavior sometimes forgetting that i had been dating a five year old. We hadnt always had our downs in fact rather rarely but when these times came we had always lashed out on each other and i could already feel the hurl our way in a short amount of time.

I began to shake in my clothing looking at the time below me. It hadnt been that far off from the time the event was to begin. i hadnt wanted Taes choices to effect mine. I had an idea of what he was doing and i promised myself to accept it but with this occurring it certainly had grown tough. The added hobby he had made things into a growing pain, one that i knew had been bad from the start but continued one with it as ambition coursed throughout his veins. However i hadnt wanted this hobby to stick with me as it did with him. Along with this hobby had stuck with visible and emotional pain. His pain being only temporary as it appeared from the outside and others appearing from the outside. I thought about this longing out into the distance already understanding the emotional pain around the concept but not wanting Dylan to feel it as well. Dylan was already hanging onto a tread with one parent but i hadnt wanted it to happen with the other. I looked down at my watch one last time before pulling out change in my pursing counting the change and racing my way to the bus stop nothing but hope in my veins to not inflect a longing emotional pain in my son as well.

My shoes had clinked down the hallway already feeling the tightening in my chest of being late but the slight reassurance of showing up made it worth while. I had understood that showing up late would cause slight embarrassment as the other parents had judged me and i was preparing myself for that. I had been late and also a single parent which wasnt a bad thing however everyone had known I wasnt. Everyone had know that me and Tae had co parented fairly well as Dylan always pointed it out. He always tried to mention Tae in every conversation he held finding anyway to tell people how heroic his father was for being a fighter or a super hero e liked to call it. However his hero wasnt their and he could see that as i entered the class room in a slight huff but still managed to have his evident smile painted on his face ushering the words mommy from his lips. In that moment I had to step up as the super hero as Tae wasnt present.

"Hey sweetheart, i promised i would come."

Instead of responding Dylan provided to push his body more into mine engulfing me fully proud that at least someone had shown up. I couldnt have Tae take the full blame as my job didnt always provide me with free time to spend with my family, it was rather hard but seeing that smile on his face made things worth while. I felt myself wanting to apologize for being late or the simple fact that i couldnt attend these types of things regularly but i felt as if bringing it up would burden things even more. I wanted to focus on the moment that was happening between us the moment being true happiness. I hadnt experience this much and wanted to take i as it was.

Dylan had begun to eagerly drag me over to the his table as i stumbled along smiling upon him as his teacher had greeted us at the table. I took a set as Dylan pulled his seat closer showing his gums as he began to eat another piece of candy before sketching out his pumpkin draft.

"I hope you dont mind but i gave him some candy before you got here."

I looked over to see Dylans teacher Mr. Park displayed in the seat beside him taking the understanding that he had taken the parental place for the night while i wasnt there. I could picture Dylans saddened smile trying to paint itself while he tried to make it better. Candy surely had been a temporary happiness but i was also lucky that he had a teacher to step in while no one else was their making me grateful for a teacher like so.

"Oh yeah thats perfectly fine its not like he'll turn into a gremblin or anything of the sort."

He ushered a small laugh as his eyes crinkled making me smile slightly.I directed my attention back to Dylan as he put detail into his drawing. I gone into a conversation about Mr. Park about my son Dylan and other different aspects of the most random things. Dylan had seemed so focused on his drawing that had seemed to sprout a smile in his lovely face.

"Your son is surely intelligent and he also knows a few things about his chocolate candy."

"Thank you and he gets that from me, we both share that wondrous sweet tooth."

"See ive always been just a fan of kit kats and nothing more."

"With all do respect Mr. Park you need to expand your variety."

We both begun to laugh over the small conversation sprouting. It felt good to have a sort of relationship with your child's teacher however Tae never agreed upon so. Tae never was fond of Mr. Park as he presumed that he used his teachings in order to get closer to me. This wasnt fairy true as he was just telling whats best for Dylan and the support he needs bringing it back to me and Tae but more specifically me. Tae had let the idea sprout to his head that it was a way of flirting which was very absurd however i couldn't hold it past him as he tended to get jealous easily. He wouldnt be very fond o the moment growing between me and Mr. Park especially. Tae hadnt been so innocent either doing god knows what out while he could have been partaking in this moment rather than Mr. Park. Just at the simple thought i was fuming but decided to smile along with Parks comment trying isolate the feelings i held inside but it grew rather hard as i felt my phone buss notifying me a text from Tae.

[3:45] Tae: Where are you? Im outside your job, are you in a different spot

I rolled my eyes at the test message displayed. He had definitely forgot about the event taking place. It had confirmed everything making me question if i possibly even still loved him. Of course i had i still had affection for him but i felt it decreasing at the fact of his forgetful importance. Mr. Park must have saw my sadden features mixed with madness taking over my appearance as he gave me a questioning look. I knew that only telling him the commotion on what was going on would only increase the mixing chaos however i did have the next to express my feelings.

"You know just parent problems."

He nodded looking over at Dylan and patting his back while covering up his master piece. He hadnt wanted anyone to view it till it was compositely done. Adding all sorts of colors to make it pop. I attempted to glance over at his drawing wanting to see what he conjured up but he managed to push me way making a face at me while sticking his tongue out. As he finished up he asked me to add a detail.

"Mommy you write awesome can you write the words family really big across the bottom?"

I nodded along as he slide the paper to me as i garbed the pencil. I examined the picture. It had been a drawn stick figure picture displaying what i assumed was me and Dylan, however it was just me and him and nobody else. I squinted my eyes wondering why he hadnt bothered to draw Tae as well. Possibly because he wasn't here this moment however he always is displayed in our day to day life, at times. I had known it had been difficult especially for Tae and he wanted to put in an effort but maybe it just wasnt enough as Dylan was already setting expectations.

"Mommy the letter."

"Sorry baby mommy was just looking at your beautiful drawing."

"Hehe, i know."

I smiled and ruffled his hair while drawing the words family on the paper. I looked over it inhaling a sharp breathe feeling my heart tighten at the fact of an invisible Tae displayed on the paper. I could feel Mr. Parks eyes stare upon the paper as well already feeling a stinging in his chest as well. He rubbed my back trying to force a smile to Dylan making sure he hadnt seen my features. I fell into his comfort not knowing how to take the situation at hand. Dylan had already lost his first father and i hadn't been prepared for the next one to go as well. It had already began to take an emotional toll on me as i felt a small stream flow from my eyes drawing concern to Dylan.

"Mommy?"

"Im fine baby, its jsut so beautiful."

I smiled through the tears as Dylan moved in his seat to wipe away my tears with the palm of his hand making my heart coo. He had been an affectionate child making me worry about what was to come for the future. It couldnt be the last time this were to occur making things even harder to pursue for the future. I couldnt focus on anything but Dylan and how things would take a toll on him. I certainly hoped that it wouldnt change him drastically but i knew it would have a few changes to his overall characteristics.

"It will look even better once we crave it into the pumpkin."

"Actually, im sorry Dylan but weve run out of time do work on that. Your drawing looks amazing though."

Dylans eyes began to grow drippy as his teacher hushed those words past his lips. I had reconsider this look however it never displayed on his face as much as he reminded in a happy conundrum for the majority of the time. Possibly it was the whole pile up of Tae not being here or maybe it truly was that he couldnt display his masterpiece on a rounded pumpkin. Whatever it may have been tears had begun to swell in his eyes and panic had begun to set in for me and Mr. Park.

"Hey, Dylan dont cry how would you feel if I let you have th rest of the candy?"

Dylan peaked up at the mention of candy as Mr. Park looked at me asking if it had been okay to which i hesitated but nodded willingly. I witnessed as Dylan got up with glee rushing to the candy before he could making me laugh and the tears go away fully. I had been focused on the moment of Dylan taking as much candy as he could with his small hands in reach taking in only a portion of the candy. Mr. Park had joined in taking in a handful of the candy putting more into his hand causing an enormous smile to partake on his and my face. My smile began to flatten as i felt my phone vibrate again hesitating if i should even look at the text already assuming who it had been from but i sat it down on the table picking myself up and following after Dylan to help him gather candy. For tonight i wanted my focus to be on my lovely son and the moment partaking between as at this moment. I hadnt wanted to let him down as i was the superhero in this moment and i had been the only one he had seen as his 'family' as of now.

"Are you sure you dont need a ride?"

"Yeah im sure thank you for the offer."

I had been outside along side with a clinging Dylan and and concerned Mr. Park. I had told him that we would be taking the public bus home to which he dismissed by offering a ride. I hadnt wanted to be a burden nor did i want things to escalate that far. I already held a healthy parent teacher relationship with him and i hadnt wanted anything to go beyond that state as it would be strange. Park taking in a ride had crossed that line even if he was being friendly i hadnt wanted to set off the wrong perception even if it wasnt a big deal.My eyes diverted to Dylans as he clung onto my leg looking up at me with the same smile he managed to have painted on his face.

A car pulled up in the mist of the situation as i examined the car i noticed that it had held the same color and car brand as the one me and Tae had purchased. It had been Tae whp was displayed in the car and only confirmed so as the window had displayed Taes boxed smile but soon flatted as he laid eyes upon Mr. Park as his smile soon turned into an evident frown. It sparked slightly at the fact of Dylan rushing to the car struggling to open the door before he gave him a affectionate hug as he was seated behind the wheel.

"Well i suppose i should be going now but before i do."

I felt his hand go to mine placing an item in it before smiling at me and leaving me to go back to my car. As he left i looked down at my hand and examined that he had given me a kit-kat. It could have been seen as childish but i found it enduring making me quickly shake the feeling off as i directed my vision back to Tae who held a hardened glance my way and what had been directed in my palm. I clutched onto the piece of chocolate in my hand making my way to the front of the car and closing the door as i buckled my seat belt taking in the closing tension surrounding the car. Luckily Dylan had been oblivious to the whole ordeal leaving him in the back playing with whatever he could get his hands on.

I felt Taes cold and callused hands wrapped around my thigh giving it a firm squeeze making me roll my eyes at his behavior already feeling himself grow jealous over the situation. It had simply been a piece of candy however he hadnt known that making things worst. Whatever could have been going through his mind certainly hadnt revolved around chocolate.

"What was it?"

"What are you talking about?"

Tae squeezed my thigh slightly harder knowing that i had knew exactly what he was hinting at. I wanted the conversation to end already as he wasnt focused on the fact he had missed Dylans event and others following after that however this one was different. He had promised to go to this event and the smile displayed on his face had confirmed it from earlier but i had hoped to soon something i didnt like to waste often but with Tae it was a regular occurrence by now.

I unwrapped the chocolate from my hand as i place it on his thigh. I had been over the situation already moving onto the one that was more prominent but he didnt seem to take notice. All of his attention had been managed by the small candy displayed on his lap. I could see that he had been getting worked up over small things but he had a temper making this small candy make a big deal out of something that isnt. With this he threw the candy out of the window with a plain expression on his face while i gave him a bewildered look as did Dylan from the unnecessary scene.

"Daddy, why did you through the candy out the window?"

"Daddy doesnt like Kit-Kat's."

Taes eyes had been displayed on the road but glanced at me hinting at who i supposed was Mr. Park. His hand had circled around my thigh again trying to cool himself down as a strike of fear aimed in my heart. I hadnt liked when he got like this, he always had a temper even before he started fighting but it gradually lessened when he begun as he took out his anger even more. I secretly hoped he had been at the fighting place while i was with Dylan so he could have gotten his anger out but even if he did the anger would still mange to build itself back up.

The car ride tension had followed us all the way we had been placed inside the house. I managed to keep my voice down not knowing what could throw him off even more. Tae wasnt always very aggressive when he was angry infact he manages to control it by not actually talking it out and keeping it bottled up which i saw as unhealthy but whatever it took for him not to actually act out on that anger at home was good enough for me. We still held our arguments and disagreements but they never got out of hand and i nor he never aimed for it to. Jealously was a big part in his anger and the fact that the main jealous factor was his sons teacher had set a new form of anger in his veins and it pumped to the point of blood curling anger.

Dylan had tugged on my skirt as i bent down to hear his question. Tae had wondered into the kitchen leaving the two of us alone to our own small conversation.

"Mommy, mabye if i show daddy my picture he'll be happy?"

Dylan had saw that Tae was angry too and seeing the family picture would only increase this. I hadnt known how to shut this idea down as i would see the hope die from his eyes. He had already been through enough and seeing his fathers anger spark from his simple drawing would cause confusion and even more conflict than we needed. I hadnt wanted anything to grow bigger than it already was.

"Maybe in the morning baby, put it in your room and we can show him tomorrow?"

Dylan nodded his head with a small smile in hopes his father would accept what he had drawn. I had hoped so as well hoping it would open his eyes on what was going on in his mind and also what was partaking in what was going on with our family. As Dylan waddled off into his room i sought off into the kitchen where Tae had been seeing if he wanted to talk about the situation on his own rather than me. I hadnt wanted to fuel the anger even more than it already had even as i walked into the kitchen i felt the tension still laying in the atmosphere, feeling the need to squash it but wanted him to let it out on his own.

I felt his stare on me while i went to get some water from the fridge itching to say something but kept my peace. His eyes had been doing the semi talking as they examined me looking for the correct way he could conger up his words until i was on my way out of the kitchen when he found his voice.

"Whats going on with you and Park, huh?"

"Hes our sons teacher, nothing is going on."

"Well you've been getting extra close to him."

"Tae do you hear yourself, hes our sons teacher for fucking hell."

I had been getting heated rather quickly further than Tae and i couldnt control myself. I had been so bent up over what he was made about also piling on what i was made my blood begin to boil. Having two angry people was a whole new level of conflict upon a household and while i was partaking in this anger i hadnt cared about what was to occur as i let the dying question slip from my mind.

"Why didnt you show up?"

"What are you talking about."

"Kim Taehyung you and i both know damn well what im talking about."

I whispered those harsh words hoping that Dylan wouldn't hear them with his small ears. Tae howevr heard it loud and clear as his ears perked up as well as his anger.

"I was out."

"You were out? Taehyung my damn son had something special going on at school and you promised you would go and you fucking didnt. Think before you making priorities especially with my kid."

Taes eyes popped out of his skull displaying his now fully visible anger. I had slightly stepped back not noticing that the words being ushered past my lips had effected him in such a way. I knew my angered words could drive him to harsh things but i felt as if i had gone to far for his comfort zone.

"Your son? Your damn son? I raised him just as much as you raised him and im sorry that im trying to support and protect our family and i couldn't go to his class. I had a lot going on with my mind and maybe im still not use to this life style but im really fucking trying. I wasnt there throughout your pregnancy but i still care about that kid and it pains me that i couldnt see him because i was stuck in a dirty basement fighting my life away."

"So you forgot about him?"

"I could never forget about him hes my damn son just as much as he is yours. So damn what i forgot about his school event but atleast im apart of his life."

"But you promised."

"Okay you promised you would be their for him and sometimes you arent and i have to be the one who takes control of the situation dont you blame this situation on me, Im not like J-"

"Kim Taehyung you know damn well to not say his name."

I had known he was going to bring in my baby daddy from the single syllable he said. I felt myself grow even more irradiated if that was possible feeling the itching sensation to scream at him thinking that it would make things better but knowing in reality it wouldnt. I pushed all the conflicts and problems it caused and focused on my anger.

"And you know what the funny fucking thing is that your acting just like him!"

Taes eyes began to water. I couldnt tell if they were from anger or true sadness or possibly a mix of both but however it hadn't been a good sign. I had never seen Tae cry but the one time Dylan had begun to call him daddy. He was finally begin accepted not only into my life but my sons. Things had been simpler and less bumpy as we had just been starting out a forces on being a family rather than breaking it apart.

"Thats the lowest thing you could ever fucking say you damn well know it! Ive tried my best to be the best father i can be and your making it real fucking hard! I know im not the best parent but atleast im not gonna break you down because of it! You really need to watch what you say cause you dont know how it can effect someone."

The argument had been like one we had never had before. We had never screamed at each other for we had that mutually respect for one another but as of now it felt like that had flown out of our category. We had also forgot about the decently of Dylan possibly being scared and confused on what was going. However as we were in such an unhealthy state we continued on to bicker making things gradually grow unhealthy.

The tension had still been rising as we had been in a breathy state. The last comment had been along the words of harmful things leaving us both feel defeated. I had been fearful after the arguments we had as Tae managed to break a vase but was to caught up in the hostile environment to actual take notice of what had been going on besides me and Tae screaming at one another. Now as the house grew with heavy breathing and the tension still laid there i took notice of the environment and grew fearful of what he could do when he was angry. I hadnt wished i took notice of these things as i felt my head grow bigger of what else he could do sending a struck of fear into me as i noticed his hand was raised as i coward down and flinched as i thought he was going to hit me.

I looked back up to see Tae looking at me with bewildered eyes as if what i had did was out of line and he was confused. He slowly came over to me as i flinched yet again causing his eyes to go soft and he kept his distance.

"Ba-babe you know i wouldnt hit you right, i just went to put my hand on my head."

"I know its just, i dont know i just thought-"

I felt myself grow weak as i felt tears stream down from my cheeks as Tae came over to comfort me. We had both sunk to the floor as audible sobs came from my mouth. I had been over reacting about the situation but the emotions i had been feeling had all been jumbled up and i couldnt control myself as i let it out all on Taes shoulder. I had understood where Tae was coming from and i learned to accept it and i delt with it and i needed to understand it more. However i couldnt stop the tears from flowing as i was overwhelmed with all of the conundrum that was happening and it only added to the fire as i heard the crack of a door and a small crack of a voice.

"Mommy?"

His feet hit the floor in a rush hearing my cries as he began to beat on Taes back signalling for him to get off of me. Taes eyes began to water at the simple action even as he removed himself from my body he still took every blow from Dylan as he let out his own cries and pleads.

"You made my mommy cry!"

"No baby mommies fine, daddy didnt hurt mommy daddy isnt the bad guy."

Dylan removed his hands from Tae as he moved them to mine as he engulfed me in a warming hug. I looked up at Tae looking at him with saddened eyes as he attempted to wipe his tears away trying to make them un noticed however they were visible. Tae never wanted to be seen as a bad guy and with all of this chaos piling up. It had been tough for him and he hadnt known what was going on are what to do as what he was seeing made him only question things even more making it overall hard for someone as young as him.

Dylan began to tug on me to the bedroom as he assumed it was the most safest place to be as i looked at Tae yet again. He mumbled a small 'Its okay' making me smile slightly feeling grateful that even now after all of this we could still get along. I still wished we could have worked things out.

Dylan had been curled up into my side as my hands curled throughout his hair. I had my eyes closed trying not to overthink the situation.

"Mommy why is daddy so mean."

"Daddy isnt mean, daddy is our superhero remember and sometimes superheroes fall but you cant give up on daddy. Promise?"

"Prmoise."

"Good, i love you and you understand your father loves you too right."

"Of course, i love him too. Even if he becomes a villain ill always love him."

"But that will never happen."

"I know, but whatever he does Ill love him."

It warmed my heart that he still loved him no matter the occasion. His love for him truly had been a father son bond even if he hadnt biologically the father, he was more a father than his biological one had been. I had approached him and i couldnt tell him enough of that but i felt like we needed to work on ourselves to really understand what we gain from each other. In Dylans eyes we had both been superheros but if we hadnt gotten ourselves together for the better we would both become villains in his eyes.

Morning had dawned upon us as i woke Dylan up earlier than needed. I had token what i thought to myself last night seriously. I had conjured up the idea of taking a trip to my mothers house and hoping she would be able to take upon the offer of watching Dylan for a couple of days till we work out the environment space for Dylan. She had bee happily shocked as we both walked into her house unexpected but still opened with open hands as well as questions.

"Sweetheart even though its a good surprise as you being here, um why are you here?"

"Well i was wondering if you could watch Dyl for a couple of days, just so i can get the environment more suitable."

"Suitable? Why whats going on, is it because of Taehyung? Did he hit you?"

My mom had her suspicions about Tae but not always. She liked him at the start as he was taking care of Dylan like he was someone of his owns but as she understood what he was doing as a hobby she knew how dangerous it was especially being around a child. Mothers always had their concerns but i was trying to take it into my own hands hints what i was doing as of now.

"Oh no, we just had an argument and i want to try and get ourselves back together before we bring Dylan back into our space."

"I understand, are you sure you dont want to stay as well. Youre always welcomed."

"Yeah im sure mom i just need to figure things out and ill be back."

My mother nodded along directing her attention to her grandson looking up with confused eyes. He probably would wonder why i had been gone for some time but atleast he had his grandmother to take control over him. She had loved him since the first time she laid eyes on him and even acted as a father to him before Tae stepped into our lives. I was very grateful for her and still am.

I moved away from my mother crouching down to my sons size. I ran my hand throughout his hair before holding his hand smiling down at him as he smiled up at me. He had been the light of my life and i couldnt have this light turn dark as i knew that fixing myself and my relationship trying to understand it rightfully so would set things back on track.

"Grandma is going to watch you for sometime but mommy promises to be back."

"Okay, does that mean grandma can feed me whatever she wants?"

"Of course, as long as it isnt candy youll be perfectly fine."

He engulfed me with a final hug as i proceeded to get up before turning around and ushering on last thing.

"And remember what your dad told you."

"Fighting!"

"Fighting."

That giant smile on his face proved to be a sign of improvement and i sought out to keep on with this process even if it was lengthy. I wanted Dylan to not question on what was going to happen in the future with us and if we would be okay i wanted him to know for certain that we would all be okay as a big conjoined family.

I walked into the house closing the door behind me assuming Tae was asleep on the couch still but smelling the fresh breakfast food being cooked that theory had been shot out of the window. I made my way to the kitchen seeing Tae cooking food smiling slightly before placing the food on the table directing me to take a seat as i did ever so hesitantly.

"So wheres, Dylan?"

"Actually thats what i wanted to talk to you about."

His smile had gone serious once i brought up Dylan into the situation. He had dropped his fork and directed full attention to me making sure that i had known that as well.

"I dropped him off to my mothers house because i feel like after the altercation, not just you but also I need to understand whats going on with us."

"Of course I was definitely out of hand, i should not have throw that Kit-Kat out of the window thats one of the best candies."

"Tae, im serious."

Tae raised his hands up in defeat. I knew that it was in his nature to be playful but i hadnt wanted to put in the effort to be today. However i sucked it up and realized that being goofy was a trait Tae brought out in me and i needed that to be known more often now as we had been going through rough patches.

"You know Kit-Kats were my favorite too."

Tae perked up at my comment smiling as he picked up the fork and proceeded to eat however i could still tell something was on his mind. The way he picked at his food and moved it around displayed that something had been worrying him.

"But, I am sorry if i made you feel uncomfortable i never want to make you feel like that."

I felt my hand travel to his laying on the table wanting to make it known that i had grown past that and was now fine. I wasnt perfectly fine on the concept on how things were but i was fine on how we were and the direction they were taking. I wanted to leave the uncomfortably in the past and focus on what was better to come.

"Im fine now, even better that you shaped the pancakes like little animals."

"Thank you, i thought it was a nice touch. Who says adults cant have fun."

I smiled at him taking in his happy glance at the pancakes and proceeded to play with them as he dunk them into the the syrup and ate them with delight. I always enjoyed Tae cooking as well did Dylan due to the fact that he would add an extra ounce of experience into the cooking. He infact one time threw flour onto use while making a meal resulting in a whole conundrum of experiences. I had wanted to build these experiences back up again and im sure he was willing taes well.

"I was thinking, since i wanted to understand us and well mostly you, can we go to your fighting rink so i could possibly see you fight. I want to understand you and your passion."

Tae had looked up at me shocked from what I had said. I had never shown much of an interest in this hobby as i saw nothing important in it but if i wanted to get to the bottom of this problem i needed to do some serious digging and i was willing to love the things he did. While Dylan was away i want to hopefully partake in the things we couldnt do if he was here hopefully allowing us to grow more of a healthy bond for the both of us.

"Seriously, um yeah. Wow this is great i tell them all about you and Dylan all the time i can wait for you to met the guys theyll love you. They may seem big and scary but their hearts are in the right place."

"I trust you."

My hand reached out for his again grasping onto it with all my might. I could see the small hope in his eyes growing, hoping that this small experience would bring us together again making things right like they once were. Just as i hoped they were. Life filled with less amounts of conflict and more moments filled with joyful noise however i knew it couldnt last like this forever.Due to Taes passion with this type of job i knew conflict was sure to inured but i needed to accept it rather than live with it and not face it, already knowing where that would lead to.

I felt Taes hand squeeze me slightly signalling that he wanted something as i gazed upon his features. He began to lean in slightly understanding what he wanted i began to lean in too as it was what i wanted as well. I felt his lips part against mine taking in my lips with his. It felt like we hadnt kissed in a while even though it was only yesterday with the amount of chaos going on it felt like it had been forever but the kiss just proved that things were sure to grow better. The kiss hand lingered for a few moments feeling with each puncher a new meaning of our relationship was unlocked bringing us back to when times were better.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too."

Tae had showed me to the fighting rink as i took it all in. All of the crummy details it held. It certainly was undercover making me slightly concerned but tried to just follow along with what he had planned for what was to occur. Things had been going smoothly and i wanted things to continue as so so i followed after him happily playing along to the details. I had still been genuinely happy that he had managed to bring me here and actually talk upon his 'co-workers' about me set the worry in my heart aside.

We had walked in hand in hand into the place with a smile on both of our faces and just as we walked in Tae had already been eager to introduce me to one of his friends. While we begun to walk over i examined the the brick wall with pealing wallpaper. There held shelves upon the naked walls shelf's filled with awards that were polished as they were the most prized possession forgetting about everything else placed in its way. There had also displayed a rink where i assumed where most of the fighting took place. From where i stood i could make out the small blood splatters around the rink as people hadnt bothered to clean it up. I couldnt help but wonder if Tae's had been mixed in there as well but diverted my eyes before i thought to much causing more problems.

"This is the girl ive been telling you about."

Tae had smiled brighter than before as he introduced myself as i shook the his hand, eye display still remaining around the place. He held a strong grip and as i glanced upon him i could see his different colored tattoos each telling a different story. I could tell they held a meaning as some of them had peoples names and some signs stating the phrase 'R.I.P' telling a story of loss. I had been memorized by his tattoos sending me into a state of curiosity as i keep on looking at them.

"I see you like my tattoos."

"Yes, theyre very beautiful. I can tell them mean alot to you."

"Yeah, i like this girl already."

He proceeded to give Tae a handshake of approval as he brought me in for a hug after words. I could tell that he truly cared about Tae and his choices. I remembered Tae talking about him being his trainer along the car ride displaying that he had been there with him even before he joined this business. He helped mentor him into the man he became today, a brother he sees him almost so meeting him was surely a big deal on my part.

"My names Jay Park by the way. Its certainly nice to meet you Y/N. Tae goes on and on about you it often gets annoying but anything to see him smile, i guess."

I blushed and cooed at Tae as he tried to play it off secretly cursing to Jay Park making me find the moment even more better as i clung onto Tae. He held his arm around my shoulder deciding to make best of this moment of showing off our relationships it was beginning to be at its prime.

"Ah, you guys surely in love but you should have seen him when he was younger. Big ole ears along with these big glasses. I might still have pictures."

I additionally perked up at the thought of seeing Tae in such state making my way over to Jay Park as Tae had pleaded not to let this secret be spilled of his past. I had eagerly wanted to see what had come from these pictures and if they would bring up any embarrassing memories and judging from his facial expression it held more than memories but a highly mindset of a smaller version of himself that i was eager to see. Tae had prepared himself as he backed away and looked at our facial expressions rather than the actual pictures.

Once Jay tapped on a picture displaying Tae as a teenager i couldn't help but cause a small giggle to come from my lips as Jay let a whole cackle lose not afraid. I looked at Taes face as it held straight and bored by our expressions. I couldnt help myself as the picture was slightly funny seeing Tae in such a state i handt seen him before, however he still was the Tae i learned to love.

"You still look good to me babe."

"Thats my girl, sticking up for her man."

Taes hands circled around my waist bringing me in for a small kiss before joining back in a conversation with Jay as i held small conversation with them as well. Understanding that they had meet through mutual friends who they had recently stooped hanging out with but still stuck together showing how strong their bond together was. They truly were brothers as they could with stand anything. I had liked that i was understanding that Tae hadnt only come here just for fighting but also for his family and to check up on them. It was nice he had someone to check up on and have someone to check up on him.

"Tae your preforming soon, we need you back stage."

Tae turned to us mostly being me as he smiled softly ruffling my hair telling me he would see me letting along with saying he would be okay knowing how much i worried. I nodded softly already feeling the worry fill my veins however i wanted to trust him even if i felt the dread slowly consume me. I needed to put my trust into him as it would help us grow stronger and also help him win this up coming battle.

"Let me introduce you to the rest of our family."

I turned my attention to Jay, i could tell he had felt my anxious emotions as they were radiating off of me and he aimed to fix this. He wanted this place to be filled with good vibes and prosperity besides the blood curling on the floor he wanted this place to feel safe. I could tell by the simple fact that he refereed to us as a family and i was eager to meet Taes family. Any family of Taes was welcomed to be a family of mine.

The last hour and couple of minutes had been spent of me circling around the basement meeting different members understanding their stories and what all lead them here. They each shared laughs and cries and along the way i shared these emotional boundaries with them as i already felt an emotional connection with them. One person had took out to me the most his name being Min Yoongi and telling me his struggle with anxiety and depression and finding a passion in fighting to help calm it down as well most importantly the family he had meet up with. His story had been one of the many that caused small tears to fall from my face but as we grew closer and he told me how he grew close with Tae and the rest of the family my heart had lightened and we begun to laugh instead of cry.

"Yeah i actually have a daughter around your sons age too."

"Really whats here name?"

"Jisso, shes very beautiful little angel inspires me every day."

"Kids just seem to do that to you dont they."

Yoongi seemed to have a soft spot when he talked about his daughter but anything else he seemed to put a guard up and not really dive into the topic. He hadnt been embarrassed by his daughter and i respected that and his ability to follow his day to day struggle. He found a way to tam thing struggle but still manged with it. He was strong along with the rest of Taes family and i was lucky enough to call them my family.

I had cooed at the pictures Yoongi had taken of him and his daughter making me think of my own son and wondering what he had been doing at this moment. I heard the shutting of the door making me come from my thought as someone asked me to follow to as i diverted my eyes to Yoongis apologizing for cutting the conversation short to which he waved off. I followed the person who i hadnt known or meet. She held long black hair and showed me to what i assumed was Taes dressing room. She had displayed me in the room leaving with out a word as i went to Tae who was seated on his bench with panic in his eyes.

I sat across from him on the bench picking up his face in my hands. I looked at him in his eyes trying to see what was wrong as throughout this whole day. Something must have been bothering him deep inside to affect him this much and i held a few ideas but nothing lived up to what actually was occurring.

"Whats wrong, you werent like this earlier today."

"I honestly dont know, maybe its the fact that Dylan isnt here and i just feel as if he thinks of me in a bad light now. I do this for him and it would break my heart if he thinks of me as the bad guy."

My heart had tightened at the fact that he had thought this in his mind. I wish he had known that what he was assuming hadnt been right. Even if he was bad Dylan would still find a way to love every aspect of him, that was how much Dylan had fully loved him. He could never turn his back on anyone let alone Tae. Tae had been his father figure and had saw everything he wanted to be through Tae. It was one of the many reasons i had fallen in love with him. The strong connection he held with my son had brought me to tears.

"I know that im not his biological father but i see him as my son and i dont want him to think bad of me."

"He doesnt and he will never think of you in such away."

"How do you know."

He was partially right. How would i know but i did have a way to find out. Taes eyes looked down while i searched through my pocket to retrieve my phone. I dialed my moms phone number before reaching the number and simply asking for Dylan to be on the phone. Before i could even hear his voice i placed the phone against Taes ear as he looked at me confused before he heard the enthusiastically 'Hi' from the other line. His boxy smile formed as small drops of tears fell from his eyes as he counted on a conversation. I had tuned it out wanting to have their own moment tuning the noise down and read through facial expressions. Tae still held that stupid smile on his face sometimes changing expressions where Dylan told hims something interesting he did or learned. He truly was a great father and he didnt need to see it himself to actually believe it but other people around him including my son. Dylan well knew that Tae was the best father he could ask for and he was well proud of him and his journey. The conversation gradually came to an end but Tae still held that big smile on his face.

"Fighting."

With that the call had been ended and he handed me back the phone. I looked over his features as he know had a blank expression on his face showing no emotion not sure how to deal with this new one. He had been happy that he had gotten to speak to his son but also had been struggling with his own issues and if he hadnt fixed himself then he would be able to share this connection with him. In order to get pumped for a fight he needed to understand these actions that he caused and he needed to act out on them in the rink.

"I want you to focus on the fact that you have to talk to your child through a phone and not through face to face. You let your own problems get in the way of seeing your kid and you let it effect him in a small amount he doesnt even know but possibly when he grown up hes going to know. You dont want to be one of those fathers who miss everything their kids does and you know people are expecting this from you so prove them wrong, prove me wrong. I want you to go out there tonight and dedicate every punch to the people who proved you wrong. I want you to dedicate every punch to Dylan, me and your whole family. You have to fight for everyone including the people who doubted you. Can you do that?"

I looked at him as he still sat on the bench huffing with his shoulders slugged over. He seemed rather heated and focused on every word i said taking it within noticing every detail and how it effected him on a great level and he decided to go with it and make it right with every punch he could conger.

"Im ready."

The bell had rung as Tae stood in his corner as i meet with him with eager eyes. I knew he would meet beyond the expectations however things had only grown more surreal seeing his figure doused in confidence and bare knuckles preparing for the inevitable. He stood pacing around in the ring as i stood on the side lines along the comfort of Jay Park. He had known that my reactions certainly would be mixed about the situation but still knowing that i had wanted to see what was going to take place. With my emotions all mixed he hadnt known what actions i was going to partake in as he stayed in a comforting distance making sure nothing wrong were to happen.

I felt myself shaking in my bones as they had begun throwing the first punch. I had flinched slightly back seeing as Taes knuckles clashed in with his cheek even from the distance I stood i could hear the faint sound of cracking down. I hadnt found the sound so enduring but i knew for Tae it did, driving him to his next move.

Tae had managed to let out a couple of punches one after the other striking his opponent with all of his might. He had been hitting each punch with aggression and speed with enough willpower to not get hit in that amount of time however the streak had came to a painful end as the opponents fist had locked against his jaw. I felt myself perk up and look at bewildered eyes seeing the pain he had inflicted on my man. The fear had drawn from my blood being replaced with anger finally understand the Adrenalin Tae had gained from this.

"Hey listen hes okay trust me. The kids been doing this for quit a while now. Just try and keep your cool."

Jay had pulled me close trying to whisper the audible words to me. I had nodded off to what he said still gazing upon the match ahead of me. They had each been receiving plenty of blows to the abdomen making sure to dismiss the head but occasional scathing a piece of skin displaying the facial features. The crumbling bones of Tae had sent a shaking sensation in my soul telling me to scream out the anger but i listened to Jays sounding words trying to follow with them as they were words that I could follow through.

I grabbed onto the rope as my knuckles began to whiten from the anger coursing through my veins remained unman aged. I wanted to drag my attention to something else rather than that main reason i had been hyped up. The heavy breathes the chanting crowd and the loud impact upon each others bodies they had endured surely had been a reason why i couldn't tear eyes away. I tried to make things manageable but the more i stood back the more i saw Tae get more injured. He had still managed to throw punches but i had managed to focus more on the blows his opponent was taking on him as it had effected Tae the most as well as me. Every punch sent to his abdomen upper half and his whole being had sent the shock of fear into my body. I looked at Jay taking in his words before looking back at the scene before coming to face a substance fall from Taes lips. This substance had been the color of the deepest red tasting of metallic as it escaped his mouth it pondered against the rinks mat. It had mix with the dried blood previously laying on the floor causing an unthinkable amount of anger to flow throughout me, leaving Jays words out of the window.

"What the fuck you just made him bleed! What the fuck is this!"

"Its underground fighting, please control her Jay!"

The referee had stepped in trying to silence my screams all while Tae had slight glanced over before punching his in his torso causing him to fall down but to his luck bouncing back up. The referee had guided back to the fight at hand as Jay had pulled me further into his comfort. He had known i wasnt a little girl and had knew how to take control of myself however he knew as of now i couldnt take care of my actions. I held onto the rope steadily watching every blow already hating the impact but oddly finding an enchanting feeling from it.

The fight had been going on for a lengthy time each throwing in each effort into their punch. The fight had conjured up a good fight surely each spurting out a good amount of work. Now as they stood with each other and the referee announced the winner. It hadnt come as a shock to me that Tae had won as he sported a small smile showing his gratitude as the audience had clapped for him. He faced his opponent shaking his hand along with a brotherly hug as if the whole ordeal was put behind them. I couldnt contain myself feeling as the happiness had spread to me as well as i proceeded to climb over the rope besides Jays protest and went to hug Taes side. I made sure to do it rather carefully not wanting to harm himself however he had pushed that idea to the side as he hugged me tightly ignoring his winces feeling the warm embrace as he hugged me ignoring the happy cheers from the crowd and focusing on us.

"You guys surely have a connection, dont let that die. You put up a good fight even better with your girl here."

Taes opponent had patted him on the back in apprentice as he put his arm around me displaying a huge smile. I sported the same finally understanding what he had lived for making my heart swirl.I wanted to be by his side fully to support what he had loved because seeing this smile on his face surly had made things worth while.

I had been cleaning up the scratches displayed on Taes face as i had been on his lap while we were displayed in bed. The first aid kit had been displayed besides me as i manages to fix the small minor scratches on his face. I noticed that the small cut that i had stitched up last time had managed to damage itself to the point of busting back open. I began dabbing it with the cloth causing him to flinch slightly. He clutched onto my wrist not liking the pain causing me to laugh slightly due to the fight he had previously fought and he was beginning to flinch only now. I grabbed ahold of the needle holding his chin feeling anxious to put the needle through hi lip before he flinched and grabbed tightly onto my wrist causing me to stop.

"Wait, i cant do it im to scared."

"Come on you just got finished with a fight how can you be scared of a little needle."

"Can you just kiss it better?"

He looked at me with a pouted lip and puppy eyes that i usually melted over. I gave in as i parted my lips and met mine with his. I tasted the metallic of his blood. Focusing on his tongue being traced over his bottom lip in attempt to make him feel better as well as myself. I felt him grab the needle from my hand placing it on the bed side table before moving his hands to my ass. As we kept on with the warming kiss i felt his hands move apart my underwear signaling for something more than just intimate kissing.

"Tae, you know we cant youre hurt."

"Then well just have to be gentle."

His face had been serious wanting to feel my gentle touch. I had been hesitant at first but proceeded as i begun to take off my shirt feeling his eager palms take my naked breast in hands. I carefully slide my underwear to the side as well as helping him slide out from his shorts. He had winched slightly as i stopped myself before him hurrying to proceed my actions. I felt myself lower on him looking at him with a bliss filled expression as he met with the same expression. He held onto my hips guiding me making sure i hadnt been as rough.

His lips had gone to my neck marking me with his love bites causing moans to fall from my lips. I felt my breathe go heavy as well as his following with the soft skin slapping against one another. We hadnt had the time to properly have sex since we had another body to take care of and having time to ourselves surely had been comforting. We couldnt have gone to comfortable to it as we knew we had to come to terms with reality. We wanted to enjoy the euphoria as we kissed each other in a breathy moan feeling ourselves come undone as our foreheads were rested against another.

"Do you accept me and what I do?"

The question had surely been questionably after what we had done however i understood. After the emotional connection we had just shared he had wanted another answer after what had occurred. He needed to understand how i felt about this whole ordeal and if i hadnt he possibly could keep on with this. I knew I had fallen in love with the surrounding people who worked along with him and i certainly needed to accept what he loved.

"Of course baby."

I was proud of him and what he had become in such a little amount of time. I knew that being himself had been hard and I needed to remember that instead of putting to much expectations for him. We certainly werent a normal family as we had extra qualities added to us. I hadnt accepted what we had as extra baggies completely hinting at Taes job. I had loved his environment but not what he gained from it, that being scars and brutal bones.

"Please just promise me, when things get tough you leave that place. I cant see you end up dead."

I knew i was probably being dramatic when i let the word dead fall from my lips and knowing that this most likely couldnt happen. I still needed to voice what i felt as i feared for what could commence from what he loved.

"Of course baby."

He smiled at my softly bringing me in for a hug as his head rested against my head. I felt his heart beat against my ear banging like a drum. I knew he had added false truth to it as he knew even he couldnt give up when simple times had gotten difficult. It was a wondrous trait to have however at times like this it couldnt. What could happen if he couldnt come back from what he himself had caused on himself or maybe someone else he had loved. I knew that it couldnt end happily but as for now things seemed as if they were on the path to this. I wanted to just focus on this but i knew as time came along it couldnt possibly be this way. I had hopped Tae would play his cards right and stick by his family as they would have his back however sometimes not everyone can protect him.

Not even himself

#kim taehyung #kim taehyung x reader #kim taehyung imagines #kim taehyung smut #taehyung smut #taehyung x reader #taehyung imagine #BTS v #bts taehyung #bts imagines #bts smut #bts x reader #kpop imagines #kpop x reader

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fluffyjoeck · 6 years

Note

“Marry me?”

send me a pairing and a number and i’ll write you a drabble || no longer accepting

In the end, it’s one of the easiest decisions Jack’s ever made. He’s going to ask Joe to marry him. It’s just a simple matter of fact. The sky is blue, the sun is yellow and he is hopelessly, ridiculously in love with Joseph Sugg.

The problem is, he doesn’t actually know how to ask him. The universe keeps sending them signs though, and Jack thinks there’s someone out there on his side.

“Mr. and Mr. Maynard?” the receptionist calls out, and the two look up in shock. “You’ll be in room 201 on the second floor.”

“Thank you,” Jack says, smiling as he takes the key cards from her.

They walk towards the elevator where Josh and Caspar are waiting for them, deep in conversation. It had been a last minute decision to leave London for the night, but one that Jack doesn’t regret one bit.

“Why didn’t you correct her?” Joe asks, and Jack just shrugs in advance. He doesn’t want to say that he enjoyed hearing it aloud, especially when Joe doesn’t seem to appreciate it. “Joseph Maynard, it doesn’t really have a ring to it.”

“Because Jack Sugg sounds so much better,” he says instantly, and he prepares himself for Joe to tense up, but instead he hears Joe laugh.

“We could always double barrel it,” Joe suggests. “Maynard-Sugg sounds a little more normal.”

Before he can reply, Josh shouts over to them to hurry up. The conversation ends, but Jack allows himself to hope that one day, they’ll be sharing those surnames.

ii.

Jack’s sitting on the couch, absentmindedly watching whatever film Mikey’s put on, when Joe sits down beside him. “Do you mind if I sit down here?”

“Nah,” he says, lazily. He lays his head on Joe’s shoulder, and Jack starts drifting in and out of sleep, when he hears Mikey and Joe speak.

“Look at you two, you’re practically married,” Mikey says with a laugh, and Jack swears he can feel Joe hold onto him a little more tightly.

“Ha ha,” Joe says, completely deadpan, and Jack wishes that he wasn’t feeling a little disappointed.

“Do you ever think about it? Settling down with him?” Mikey asks. Jack freezes, before remembering that he’s supposed to be sleeping, not eavesdropping on this conversation, and forces himself to keep breathing slowly and evenly, despite his now quickening heart rate.

Joe’s silent for a moment, and Jack’s sure he’s been caught. But Joe breaks his silence, and Jack falls for every word. “I do. I know it’s still new, but I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. He’s the one.”

Jack doesn’t hear the rest of the conversation, all he can think about is the fact he’s most definitely asking Mikey to be his best man.

iii.

Conor gets engaged to a very beautiful girl, who had stolen his heart the first moment they had met. Conor goes all out with the engagement, inviting her up onto the stage during a concert, and serenading her with her favourite song. She doesn’t expect a thing, and she cries as he goes onto one knee.

It’s emotional and everyone’s so happy for them, and while Jack is over the moon, he can’t help but think of the man standing by his side. He’d never have thought the future would have turned out like this for them, but now he wants nothing more then to be the one on stage, with the engagement box in his hands.

“This is incredible,” Joe says, as they watch their friends congratulate Conor. Caspar’s crying, Mikey’s going on about how old they’re all getting, and Josh is getting this all on camera.

“Would you like something extravagant like that?” he asks, folding his arms.

“I think I’d like something more personal,” Joe says, and Jack just nods along. And he gets it. He likes having their own bubble, they’ve always worked best like that. He doesn’t think he wants anyone else with them either.

“Come on,” Joe says, taking Jack’s hand and taking him out of his thoughts. “You have to talk to your brother eventually. He’ll have a strop otherwise.”

Jack just lets Joe lead him away, happily going wherever he asks.

iv.

The engagement party is in full swing, and Jack can see just how happy his brother is. Out of all the incredible things Conor has achieved in his life, this is what makes Jack the most proud of him.

He’s standing with Joe in the kitchen, needing to take a moment for himself. “It’s crazy out there,” he says. “I’ve aunts and uncles coming up to me that I didn’t even remember existed, telling me how happy they are for us both. Plus, Anna’s one more drink away from turning into a blubbering mess, and I really don’t want to be there for that.”

Joe laughs at that, handing Jack a new beer, when they’re interrupted by some relation of his. He thinks she could be his second cousin, but he’s not sure at this rate. She places an arm around both of them, and Jack can practically smell the booze off her.

“You’ll be next,” she says, grinning at the both of them. “You’re both so cute together, hiding away here with each other. You’re definitely going to walk down that aisle in no time. I’ll make sure of it.”

It should be awkward, but it just feels like she’s stating an obvious fact. She finds herself getting distracted by Conor’s fiance, and she leaves Joe and Jack alone together again.

“You think she’ll be like that at the wedding?” he asks Joe, and Joe chuckles.

“She’ll tie the bouquet to our hands just so we have to get married next,” he jokes, and Jack can actually see it happening.

Jack’s mother comes in, practically pushing the two of them out of the room, introducing Joe to all of his family members, and they’re all equally as besotted with Joe as he is.

And he knows, right then and there, that he has to propose. His heart is so full of love, that it takes every ounce of his willpower not to do it right there and then. He thinks back to the black box hidden in a drawer back home, and he almost feels relieved.

He’s going to ask Joe to marry him.

He’s in the kitchen making breakfast for the two, singing along to the music he’s playing. He had gotten up early, went to the shops for the food, and started preparing a breakfast for the two of them, and he’s really happy.

Joe appears a few moments later, when Jack thinks he can smell the pancakes. He feels a pair of arms wrapped around his body, and he turns to face Joe, just so he can kiss him good morning finally.

“What’s all this?” Joe asks, his eyes scanning the mess that he’s made.

“You’ve been having a stressful few weeks, so I wanted to surprise you. You know, help you unwind,” he says, and he looks at the different emotions running across Joe’s face.

“Marry me,” Joe says, and Jack grabs onto the counter behind him. It takes him off guard, and he stares at Joe to make sure it’s not some weird joke. Maybe it’s the wedding planning going on around them, or his pancakes must be really good.

“I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life,” Joe says, sensing his confusion. “I don’t have a ring, but I can’t wait anymore. I knew this was day was coming since the first time I saw you. I’ve always known that I want you forever. You’re the only thing I’ve always been sure of, even when things start crumbling into pieces around me. You’re the kindest, most beautiful, most inspiring person I know and you mean everything to me.”

Jack’s got tears in his eyes, and he can’t believe that this moment is actually happening.

“I love you more than I can even put into words,” Joe smiles, and he entwines his fingers with Jack’s. “Jack, will you marry me?”

“Yes,” he answers quickly, nodding his head. “Of course I’ll marry you.”

Somewhere, in the back of mind, he remembers that there’s still a breakfast waiting for them, and that they will probably have to call their parents and closest friends soon to inform them about the news. But he doesn’t want to leave their blissful bubble yet.

He is going to marry Joe Sugg. Joe is going to be his husband. He is going to be Joe’s husband. Joe is going to be his forever and he is going to be Joe’s.

He doesn’t want this moment to pass. Ever.

#anonymous #joeck #mywriting #joe sugg #jack maynard

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distressedpanda · 4 years

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Her Song (Loki x OFC) Part 10

Warnings: Language, mostly fluff but mentions of arousal. Angsty, angst, so much angst. Did I mention angst?

A/N: That’s right, you aren’t seeing things! Two posts in one day! (Pats self on back because no one else is going too!)

As always, let me know if you wish to be tagged.

Tags: @whosaidididthat @thenatallie Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

Too soon for Loki, his peace was disrupted. Iloa had slumbered soundly against his side for several hours, her warmth calming and quelling his affliction further. He felt much better than he had upon first awakening. Her warmth and their electric connection healing his very soul. The aches from small movements disappearing as he soothed the sleeping beauty in his arms.

But their undisturbed tranquility ended when Banner abruptly swung the door near the foot of the bed open. His eyes cast down, studying a clipboard in his hands as he made his way into the room.

Loki’s instincts were to growl in warning at the other man, but he held back not wishing to awaken the sleeping girl at his side. A low rumble did start the closer the other got to the bed, causing Loki to further notice the lack of pain. Banner finally looked up, assessing the sight before him with clinical analysis. Then he smiled.

“You’re awake,” Banner said, keeping his voice low.

Loki was stunned, he had assumed the doctor would demand the removal of the girl from his person. Schooling his features, “Obviously,” he deadpanned. Sure he had become alarmingly open with Iloa, but that didn’t mean he was going to change who he was around anyone else.

Banner had gone about gathering items from the cabinets and depositing them carefully on the metal rolling table. “I am happy to see that she is finally sleeping.”

The sincerity behind that statement brought back Loki’s earlier thoughts, “How long have I been out?” he asked again.

Banner tilted his watch up to look at, “Almost seven days now.”

Loki couldn’t stop the huff that escaped him, “Well I suppose that is over 24 hours,” he blanched, glancing back down at Iloa.

“Ha, is that what she told you?” When Loki nodded in conformation, still looking down at the girl, the doctor continued. “I guess she didn’t want you to know how bad it was. Honestly, I didn’t know if you would wake up again.” Banner rolled the table over to the side of the bed.

“No need to worry, doctor,” Loki scoffed, finally looking back to the man. “I will not make the mistake of leaving her again,” unintentionally the words came out low and threatening. He didn’t think the doctor would remove the girl, but he couldn’t stop the incessant need to let anyone know that she would not be made to leave his side.

Banner lifted his hands in front of him, grinning, “Easy with the tone there, don’t want to anger the green monster. I am not making her leave or vice versa,” he chuckled. “I am just happy to see that she is finally sleeping. She has barely even rested all week.”

Loki inwardly blanched at the mention of the doctors alter ego, but kept his tone neutral. “How long was she out?”

“Only a few hours,” Banner admitted, reaching a tentative hand out to the other. “She refused to leave your side. Been in that chair since she woke up.” He held a blue cuff in his hand in an attempt to wrap it around Loki’s left arm. He cleared his throat before adding, “May I?”

Loki narrowed his eyes, “You have been treating me without my consent for an entire week and now you are asking permission?” He snarled at the other, annoyed by the stupidity of his question.

Banner actually flinched at Loki’s tone, taking a steadying breath. “Well, you weren’t awake then.”

Loki scoffed, “Oh just get on with it,” he growled, returning his focus and attention back to Iloa. He knew he was tempting fate, but it really was a stupid question.

Wrapping the cuff around Loki’s bicep, Banner set about checking his vitals. Loki focused on the way Iloa’s eyes suddenly raced behind her closed lids, her breathing becoming small gasps. Fearing she was having a nightmare, he tightened his arm around her. Calm yourself, my dear. He thought, knowing she couldn't hear him. But he would not voice such things in front of anyone but her. Hopefully his thoughts would be enough, for now. I will not leave you. Never again. Running his fingers soothingly through her curls and shushing the panicked thing at his side. With supreme satisfaction, he felt her breathing calm and her eyes slowed to lazy sweeps behind her closed lids.

“You really care for her don’t you?” the doctor's voice broke into his thoughts. He looked up to see the doctor’s eyes filled with wonder.

Loki sneered at the man, “I do not see how that is any of your concern,” he bit out. Emotions, mortal emotions were a threat to his very livelihood. If he admitted to even one emotion, one fault, how many others would he feel the need to divulge? How many faults did he truly have? How many needed to be apologized for? He inwardly groaned at that thought. Save for Iloa, he had only honestly apologized to Frigga before.

Banner shook his head, “You’re right, none of my business.”

The doctor started to rub some type of cream across the gashes on his arm, “What happened?” he asked, remembering that he hadn’t gotten an answer from Iloa.

“The Russians,” Banner stated bluntly, returning the jar to the tray at his side. Loki quirked an eyebrow at the man, expecting more of an explanation. Banner sighed, “They were trying to retrieve the nuclear material, using the guise of being a part of the construction crew to gain access to the tower. Stark hadn’t stored the material at the Tower, though I suppose they were unaware of that fact. They set charges on their way out, luckily empty handed, and blew the Tower.”

Upon his clarification, Loki turned his gaze back to Iloa again. She would, had, thought this was all her fault. He wasn’t sure how he knew, but it was a fact that he could feel in his heart. Perhaps her fear to tell him of her injuries, her low volume attempt to mask the wrong cords of her voice, perhaps even the guilt in her unnatural lilt. Maybe it was the fact that he now knew she hadn’t slept in seven days. But he knew she would blame herself for everything. He thanked the Gods that he had somehow managed to survive.

“Not that I care,” he stated carefully, narrowing his eyes to further clarify that fact, “But is anyone else injured?”

Banner smiled, causing Loki to sneer in displeasure before the doctor answered, “Injured, yes. But everyone is fine. Oddly enough, everyone else was on the lower floors. You were the only person injured this severely. Stark, Thor and I were in the labs. Steve wasn’t in the tower, neither were Clint or Sam. Natasha,” he said her name with reverence and a little guilt, Loki quirked his eyebrow at the change in his tone. Banner cleared his throat, casting his eyes down momentarily, “She was in the elevator. It went into free fall, but the emergency brakes activated at about floor 65. She suffered a concussion, but no other injuries.” Looking back up then, that unbearably professional smile plastered on his lips again, “But other than that, you and Iloa were the only ones actually inside the blast radius. We were all lucky.”

Loki nodded, taking in the new information. He had to agree they had been extremely lucky.

When Banner finished as much as he could without waking Iloa, including removing the IV from his arm, “So your vitals look much better, amazing in fact. And the rest of you seems to be ahead of schedule, as far as healing. I still need to change the bandage on your back,” he held up a hand as a low rumble emitted from Loki’s chest, “But that can wait until Iloa wakes up on her own. Have her come get me from the lab and I will take care of it then.”

Loki nodded, watching the doctor put his supplies away and then exit the room.

“You should have let him change it,” Iloa’s sleep riddled drawl cutting into the silence, nearly made Loki jump off the bed.

He slapped his free hand over his heart and Iloa couldn’t hold in the small giggle that escaped her throat, “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Loki glared down at her, but it had a playful edge that made Iloa sigh happily, “I was not scared. Startled perhaps, but definitely never scared,” he drawled, watching her grin grow into a genuine smile, that had his heart aching for a different reason altogether. Her tone was still off and she was still keeping her voice low, but he had to admit it was sounding better. Perhaps all she needed was the recovering power of deep sleep.

She nodded, “Yeah, sure,” she chided gently. She wiggled slightly, needing to stretch her tired muscles but still very aware that she could hurt him if she moved too much.

As if reading her mind, Loki hesitantly removed his hand from her hair. He dropped his arm to the bed behind her, effectively releasing her from his hold. She smiled again, sitting up slowly and dangling her legs over the side of the bed. Loki watched in rapt silence, as she lifted her arms over her head, clasping one wrist and arching her back deliciously. The resounding pop though small, rang through the quiet room.

Loki unconsciously licked his lips, a steady ache curling low in his stomach, his eyes dancing across the arch and curve of her petite frame. Suddenly, he needed to hide a very noticeable bulge beneath the sheets at his waist. He coughed, tearing his eyes away. This was neither the time nor place for such things to be capturing his thoughts. He took slow steadying breaths, drawing his knees up slightly to hide the embarrassing growth between his legs. A sharp pain lit his skin on fire at the motion, effectively deflating the hardness between his thighs. He bit back a groan, hissing sharply through his teeth.

Iloa spun around to look at him, placing a hand on his bare chest. “Loki, what happened?” her panicked voice rang harshly through the room. Her eyes frantically darted across his form before settling on his green gaze again.

So much for the healing powers of sleep, he thought.

He chuckled darkly, breathing in her ocean scent letting her fingers envelope him in warmth and soothing electric energy before he answered, “I moved.” At her inquiring eyebrow lift, he explained, “I lifted my knees, you were no longer in contact with me and I felt pain again.” With her hand planted firmly on his chest, he tested the movement again. Slightly lifting his knees from the bed, he felt a dull ache that was perfectly manageable. He quirked his brow at her as though that should answer everything.

Iloa breathed shakily, whispering in awe, “It really does help,” tentatively she moved her hand away from his chest only to place it on his slightly lifted knee, her eyes tracking the movement of her hand. She pushed his knee gently back to the bed. He hissed again and her hand shot back to his chest again. “I am so sorry,” she blurted.

Loki nodded, “It would appear that it has to be skin-to-skin contact,” he clarified. Her blue gaze locked on his again. Lifting the arm still behind her, he rested his open palm against her cheek, “You haven’t slept nearly long enough. You need more rest, join me again?” he pleaded, feeling more open and vulnerable than ever before.

She smiled and shook her head gently, “You need to be treated fully, before I would be comfortable with that.” She nuzzled his hand briefly before pulling away, his arm falling heavily back to the bed, she stood up next to the bed. “Besides, I have to talk to Thor.” Loki’s features turned into one giant question mark and Iloa chuckled at him. Placing a reassuring hand over his, “He asked me to let him know when you woke up. I will return and it will give you some privacy when Banner changes your bandages.”

Loki captured her hand quickly, “But it will hurt more if you aren’t here,” he breathed, hating how small and exposed his voice sounded. He almost wanted to take it back, until he was rewarded with her warm endearing smile.

“If you want to keep your dignity, you don’t want me in the room,” she tried to convince him. “You are naked under that sheet, Loki,” she added with a small chuckle.

His eyes darkened, his voice dropping to a deep, husky whisper, “Who said anything about maintaining my dignity?”

Iloa gasped audibly, she could feel heat bloom across her cheeks. Desire pooled low in her belly and she fought to keep her mind in safe territory. “Loki,” she warned, breathlessly.

Loki grinned evilly at the flush gracing Iloa’s beautiful features. He simply couldn’t resist tempting that flush, injuries be damned. “Don’t lie,” he teased, tugging her hand and drawing her back to his side. He trailed his hand slowly up her arm to flex his fingers across her shoulder blade. He drew her closer and she hesitantly lowered herself, placing her hands firmly on the bed. He lowered his head, brushing his lips teasingly across the shell of her ear, relishing the shiver that ran through her body. It took every ounce of willpower Iloa had to keep from melting into a puddle at Loki’s side. “You have wondered about what is under this sheet, haven’t you?” Loki breathed directly into her ear.

She shot up and away from his hold, “Loki,” she snapped, her cheeks growing from the pale pink to an alarming shade of red, “If you weren’t already injured, I would put you in here myself, you ass,” she growled and spun on her heels heading for the door.

He chuckled, groaning slightly already missing the loss of her contact, “But you love me for it,” he countered boldly.

She paused hand on the door handle, sinful thoughts dancing through her mind. Finding a daring thread of her own, she turned back to him. Her own eyes darkening, she took sure, confident steps back to him. Grinning at the audible inhale that crossed his lips at her approach. She lent forward quickly, before her brain could kick in with the logical excuse that she shouldn’t do this and captured his lips in a quick heated kiss. A low moan escaped his throat, before she pulled back to look him dead in the eyes, “I do,” she whispered, then turned leaving a very surprised Loki alone in the room, before he could even respond.

“Damn,” was the only word he could think to express the obvious turn over of control. But he found himself grinning as he thought, It isn’t so bad to lose control. . . sometimes.

#loki fanfic #loki x ofc #tom hiddleston loki #angst

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inawickedlittletown · 5 years

Text

Walking The Wire (131/156)

Summary: Tony Stark always knew about Peter Parker. He didn’t know that Peter was going to get superpowers and become Spider-Man, but he always knew about Peter because Peter was his son.

This will span from pre-Iron Man up through the rest of the MCU (eventually including Infinity War) and will be for the most part canon compliant except where I’ve taken some liberties and interpreted canon a certain way.

Pairings: Pepper/Tony, Tony/Steve (endgame), Tony/Mary (past)

A/N: If you want me to tag you when I post new chapters let me know. This fic is also on AO3

I used Collider’s MCU timeline to stay canon and the title of this fic is an Imagine Dragons song that is just so fitting for Peter and Tony

@findmeinthestarss

Masterpost

Chapter One Hundred Thirty

“That’s. Tony, that’s kind of--” Bruce trailed off.

“Crazy,” Tony said. “Yeah, well, I made it out of space in one piece and back here when the odds were that that just wasn’t going to happen. And Strange’s actions don’t make sense. He knew what winning might entail. Bastard didn’t bother to share with the class, but what can we expect for a magician.”

“You know, he actually is a doctor,” Bruce said.

“So am I, but I don’t brag about it,” Tony said.

Bruce laughed at that. “You don’t.”

“Thing is, I have to believe that. I have to believe that this all happened for a reason. It was my kid, Bruce. My kid. And so many others too.”

Bruce nodded. He was working on Tony, moving him over to The Cradle to knit his wound back together. It felt weird but it happened quick, before Steve got back even. So that when Steve did return, Tony was back in the cot. He still felt sore and Bruce wrapped up his chest before letting him put a clean shirt on.

“I brought soup and crackers. Some toast too if you’re up to it,” Steve said.

“And here I thought you’d get me a more welcoming meal,” Tony said.

“From what Nebula told me you haven’t eaten in days. You’re not up to eating a cheeseburger right now, Tony.”

Tony was really too hungry to argue and the chicken soup did smell good. There was steam coming off of it and Tony could tell that it had been freshly made.

“Thank you,” Tony muttered.

“And after this you need sleep, Tony. I won’t keep you here in the medical wing. You’re surprisingly not that badly off but you need to rest. Everything else can wait right now. We’ve got this, Tony, because we need you and we need you at a 100%.”

He ate slowly, trying to pace himself a little in part because the soup was hot but also because he wanted to drag the moment out. Since being back it had been about seeing everyone and being happy to be home and alive. It had been about letting Bruce check him over and take care of the stab wound. It was about starting to voice the things he’d been thinking about and hoping to be true and it was finally getting a moment to truly let everything sink in. Peter was gone. His son was gone. Tony didn’t know how he was supposed to sleep when that was fact and when Tony truly had no idea how they were to proceed.

“Nebula. Is she alright?” Tony asked.

“Fine. She’s with Rocket. She said she felt fine.”

“Right. They know each other. That’s good she’s got him.

Steve nodded. “You don’t have to worry about her.”

He finished eating and Steve placed his empty plates on a table. He moved with caution and looked at Tony like he might disappear in front of him. Tony couldn’t blame him, really, because a part of him felt exactly the same.

“Do you want to sleep here or--”

“Proper bed might do me good,” Tony said. “Any chance I can get rid of this thing.” He motioned at the IV line and the plastic bag it was attached to.

“No chance. You need those fluids, Tony. Just tonight.”

He was too tired to argue. Bruce helped them get to Steve’s room. Tony couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept at the compound, but Steve’s room was closest and someone had cleaned it up a little.

Bruce gave him some painkillers and Tony took them without protest and then Steve helped him get under the covers.

“Get some rest, Tony. I’m glad you’re home,” Bruce said before he left.

Steve lingered by the bed, fixing Tony’s pillows and his sheets.

“Are you -- do you have something to do or--”

“I have nothing else to do but to be here with you,” Steve said before Tony could finish. “I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Steve sat down next to him and Tony reached for his hand. It felt grounding to hold it even as all the adrenaline from the trip back home and seeing everyone was fading. Everything that had been keeping him together disappearing because he was home in a bed and Steve was just within reach. He didn’t need to be strong and hold himself together.

“Bruce did mean you should get some sleep,” Steve said. “You’re kind of -- you’re not doing that.”

“I don’t know...I keep seeing--”

His eyes. Peter’s scared tear filled eyes that had realized what was happening and that felt it before it did. Peter who didn’t want to go and who fell into his arms but became dust.

Steve’s arms slid around him and Tony felt grounded. He felt like there was something else to draw focus to. He was tired. Too tired and sore and hurt and Steve’s fingers were in his hair.

“Peter’s--”

“Oh, Tony,” Steve said.

His eyes felt wet and they stung. He curled himself into Steve and Steve held him back just as tightly.

“I wish it had been me,” Tony whispered. “I wish -- it should have been me. Not him. Never him.”

Steve didn’t respond. He held Tony tighter and Tony knew that Steve understood. It wasn’t a death wish. It was a wish that Peter hadn’t had to go -- the admittance that Tony would have given anything in order to take Peter’s fate away.

“It’s not fair,” Steve whispered eventually.

“It’s not.” He wasn’t crying anymore, but the emotions were still there. It hurt. It hurt more than anything. He pressed a kiss to Steve’s shoulder. “You’re allowed to feel this too. You were his dad too, Steve.”

It was true. Probably had been true before Steve even properly met Peter because Steve had always been interested and engaged in Peter long before Tony had gotten a chance to meet him. And then after -- after they had fallen into a family unit without even trying.

“I--”

“You were,” Tony insisted. “Her was ours. Our Peter.”

Steve pulled him even closer and Tony could hear Steve’s heartbeat -- steady and not too much faster than what was supposed to be normal. Soothing, though, to listen to. Steve’s fingers threaded through his hair gently and it was slowly that Tony let his fatigue take over. He felt a press of a kiss on his forehead and faintly heard:

“Thank you. I love you.”

Tony let himself smile even if it wasn’t enough and it didn’t take away all the pain. “We’ll get him back.”

Bruce considered everything that Tony had said and implied and it was hard to just accept. Tony thought that somehow they were going to win. But not just that, he seemed to think that everyone that turned to dust could be returned. Bruce didn’t know if it was Tony being delusional and holding onto hope. Mostly, he just knew that if the snap had been able to erase people, then the stones would probably bring them back too. So, maybe Tony wasn’t too farfetched in saying they could get them back. It was just -- Bruce couldn’t just believe that they were going to somehow win. He had seen Thanos and he knew the kind of power that Thanos wielded and the team wasn’t even all there. Thanos had already defeated them once.

It was hard to look at the list Friday had compiled. She’d gone as far as to get as much of a profile as she could for everyone that was missing. Most importantly those that were in some way related to The Avengers or Shield. The list had finally stopped growing like crazy. The governments of the world were getting a little more organized and things were calming down as much as they could. Still, there were always new additions and Bruce looked at the list as much as he could even though he hated it.

Natasha was sitting with Thor at the table, but Bruce ignored them and looked at the display of the list. Bruce was surprised when Shuri’s name popped up.

They hadn’t seen her before leaving Wakanda, but no one had implied that she had turned to dust like her brother and yet she was on the list which meant somehow that no one knew where she was. He wondered for a moment what that would mean for Wakanda, but it was something that the people of Wakanda would figure out on their own.

Friday brought up another and paused it. Scott Lang.

“Who is Scott, again?” Bruce asked.

Rhodes answered, walking up behind him. “Ant-Man. I guess he’s gone too, then. Shame. Explains why he hasn’t gotten back to us.”

Rhodes came to stand next to Bruce and he looked at the list and shook his head. “I don’t know what we’re meant to do now. How was Tony doing?”

“He’s sleeping, hopefully. He’s a bit bruised up and we took care of the stab wound. He’s going to be fine. Well as fine as he can be after losing his son.”

Peter’s name was up on the list. Bruce had barely gotten to meet him -- had seen him only with the mask on and hadn’t even known who he was at the time since everything happened so fast. He could see how his lost hit everyone. Steve’s devastation had been the worst but then of course there was Tony and how he seemed to hardly be holding himself together. Bruce remembered when he’d first learned about Tony and Steve and their upcoming wedding and it had been a shock but seeing them since Tony’s return -- it felt so right and natural for them to be together. Bruce almost couldn’t believe that he hadn’t seen it coming.

“Did he say anything about what happened while he was in space?” Rhodes asked.

“Not much. He mentioned Doctor Strange getting a view of possible futures. He thinks it means we’re on the path to victory.”

Rhodey scoffed. “And what is this, then?”

Bruce pursed his lips. He wanted to believe that Tony was right. “Tony thinks -- he thinks that this is our path to winning. Doctor Strange had the Time Stone and he gave it up to save Tony’s life. Which, if you know anything about Strange shouldn’t have happened. It’s what made it possible for Thanos to turn back time and take the Mind Stone even after it was destroyed. Strange must have known that would happen and that he would turn to dust when Thanos snapped his fingers but he saved Tony anyway.”

“What does that mean?” Rhodey asked.

“Tony thinks that Strange did it knowing what would happen -- that he did it because it needed to happen so that we can find a way to defeat Thanos now.”

Rhodey rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s a little crazy. We’re not all exactly rushing to go find Thanos. Not sure we could take him especially now that he has the stones.”

Bruce shrugged his shoulders. He stared as Friday moved through the missing profiles. Fury had officially been added to the list. Someone from Shield had found his car and presumably his dust next to a pager. It was supposed to be brought to them because Fury had sent a message and no one knew who he’d been trying to contact and with a pager no less.

Tony managed to sleep for a few hours, head pillowed on Steve’s shoulder, but Steve couldn’t sleep. He was too wired and too focused on Tony for sleep to be an option. Instead, he watched Tony and let him sleep. Tony needed it. His face was more relaxed in his sleep, but even then his fatigue was obvious. Steve thought that Bruce had to have snuck in something to help him fall asleep along with the painkillers because he doubted that Tony would have fallen asleep the way he did otherwise.

Steve didn’t know what to feel. He was happy to have Tony back, of course. But Peter was gone. So many people were gone...

Tony had called Peter theirs. Their son. Steve had never thought to consider Peter that way -- he was always just Tony’s son and yet maybe he’d already been thinking about Peter as his son too for far longer than he would have wanted to admit. Peter had told him that he was going to be his step-father back when he and Tony had first gotten engaged and it had been so absolutely touching. Steve had gotten extremely emotional over it.

Steve watched as Tony shifted but settled into his side again. He looked even in sleep like he couldn’t be at peace and yet he was beautiful. His fingers traced over Tony’s forehead and down his cheek. Steve couldn’t think of anyone else that he was as devoted to as he was Tony. The only one that might compare was Bucky but that was different. Bucky was family and his last friend left from his old life, but he didn’t mean what Tony meant to him. And Bucky was gone now, too. Dust just like Peter and so many others.

Tony moved closer, his face burrowing into Steve’s neck and his breath ghosting on Steve’s skin. He shivered in surprise, but settled and ran his hand through Tony’s hair. It was dirty but Steve didn’t care. Having Tony in his arms was everything. Steve didn’t care how long he’d be acting as Tony’s pillow and it didn’t matter because Tony was back and he needed rest and Steve was willing to give him anything he needed.

When Tony woke up, he woke up slowly, moving in Steve’s arms and shifting until he was trying to sit up. Steve helped him. Tony looked confused and unsure, his eyes moving from one side of the room to the other as if he couldn’t believe where was was.

“Hey, hey, you’re alright.”

“Steve,” Tony said and he let out a breath. “Oh god. Peter.”

It broke Steve’s heart to see how devastated Tony looked as he remembered. His face falling and pain etched into his frown. Tony took a deep breath and then he wrapped an arm around Steve, falling into his chest.

“I thought,” Tony said, “I kept thinking I’d come home and you’d be gone too. It was -- I was so afraid. Being out there and knowing Peter was -- but then, I didn’t know if I would make it here or what I would find and--”

“I’m not. I’m here. I’m here, Tony, and I’m never letting you go.”

Tony nodded as he pulled back. Steve didn’t let him go far, cupping his face and bringing him close to he could kiss him. It was not the best kiss. Tony gasped into it and their teeth clicked together and it was a little too hard and a little too messy and then Tony pressed his face into Steve’s shoulder and it didn’t really matter.

“He saw it coming. He was so scared. My boy, he was so scared and he just -- I couldn’t do anything, Steve, and he just he kept saying I don’t want to go…”

It was whispered into his shoulder but Steve heard it. His eyes stung thinking about it -- about Tony and Peter--

“I was holding him and then I wasn’t…”

“Oh, Tony.”

Tony was sobbing, shaking with the sobs that coursed through his body. Steve’s shirt was wet with his tears and Steve held Tony to his chest, failing to keep his own tears from falling.

Chapter One Hundred Thirty Two

#peter and tony #peter and tony fic #mcuwriting #mcu fic #iron dad #iron dad and spider son #stony #stony fic #marvel

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