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wosoluver · 1 month

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To undo a mistake

part 2/17 - previous - next

Lena x Bayern player!reader

In front of me with her back turned was Lena.

Kissing a girl who had been cheering on from the stands the whole game.

Wearing her jersey too. I wondered if it was the same one I sent back in a box full of her stuff, the week after our last call.

It hurt. Like someone was ripping the last bit of hope you had, that there was a chance she would call one of these days and tell you she made a stupid mistake.

Out of everything that could've happened, that was the one you were least ready for.

Maybe just the fact that the break up was done through the phone, alone, should of raised a big red flag.

Should of raised the awareness that maybe you didn't know her like you thought you did.

That maybe, most likely, she wasn't the girl you fell for.

At that brought up so much anger. At first you kept fighting with yourself. With the feeling in your gut.

Trying to figure out what was going through her mind. And when you couldn't, it turned into you making up excuses for her.

But now reality had sinked in. You had tried so hard to keep this bitter feelings away. But you couldn't anymore.

The worst part in this, was that you had no right to say anything. You couldn't actually blame her for moving on with her life. What you could do, was blame her for being an asshole. And that you did.

You felt so embarrassed in front of your teammates. You wanted earth to swallow you whole.

You pushed it away momentarily though. You didn't want to be that person. Or didn't want them to think you were. The type that would throw away her professionalism because of some fling that happened to not work out.

Like that was more important, than the career you were building. The one thing you were dedicating yourself to, that wouldn't wake up one day and leave you.

You held your feelings in the whole trip back home. The girls didn't dare to talk to you. They saw on your face it wasn't a good idea.

Arriving home you exploded. You let that anger back out. You were red, your head felt like it could burst at any minute and you cried from anger.

You had the next day off. Sundays home were rare. And you thanked the universe. You didn't have to get up early, to get out of bed, to think, to exist.

And Monday rolled around rather quick. You were well rested. And all you wanted was to go training. To occupy your mind and let those cruel feelings out. Could even consider yourself to be excited.

That didn't last too long though.

As soon as you got to the locker room to get ready for the day, coach pulled you a side to talk about your failing performance.

After that sent you straight to the therapist's office. And if you refused, you'd have to sit out next couple of games.

Couldn't risk it.

Going into the waiting area, it was a pain knowing the therapist would only be in, in around 20 minutes and there was still someone else waiting to go in before you.

She gave you a slight tight lip smile as you sat next to her.

You knew her.

She had just arrived to the Bayern.

"Here for an appointment too?" - She asked sympathetic to the look in your face.

"Yep. Poor Performance. You?"

"Injury recovery."

You nodded along. -"The physio's room is the other way." - Immediately receiving a confused face from her.

"I'm joking!" - putting your hands up in defense. As she cracked a sly smile. - "I'm Y/N, we haven't had the chance to meet yet."

I sooo excited for this story! Might post another part tonight! Hopefully next part has a little more stuff going on.

Who are we thinking the girl is? Or who do you wish it was?

If you want to support my work, there's a link in my pined post!

Lots of love 🩷

Taglist: @wosos-world

#woso #womens football #woso x reader #lena oberdorf x reader #lena oberdorf #vfl wolfsburg frauen #fc bayern frauen

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scoobydoodean · 7 months

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Made a similar post before but... I think people in their minds actually revise 2.03 Bloodlust to be this episode where Sam is on this "Monsters can be good" train before he ever gets kidnapped by Lenore and he then is burdened with the task of convincing poor stupid idiot Dean who isn't as open-minded and rational as he is to think for just one second and then at the end of the episode, pats him on the head and tells him not to feel guilty about it when he finally becomes enlightened like Sam has always been but that is not how that episode goes.

Sam's immediate reaction to the alleged existence of good vampires is not any different from Dean's. He immediately rejects the idea that the vampires aren't hurting anyone, and throughout his entire conversation with Lenore, refuses to believe her until she goes, "Fine. I'll let you go to prove it to you" which rocks his whole ass world.

Face of man having his whole worldview toppled sideways and having to figure out how to adapt:

So yeah after this Sam and Dean get into a 2 minute fight about it which turns into a completely different conversation because Sam decides for the third time in three episodes to try and pretend he's Dean's therapist then (badly) psychoanalyze him about how Gordon is a substitute for their dad and it (shocker) doesn't go well. But then Gordon steals the car and the moment Sam and Dean walk into the room where Gordon is torturing Lenore, Dean's feelings about the entire thing happening in front of him are "This is bad. This is very bad."

The SECOND he enters the room Dean picks a side, and it isn't Gordon's.

Just like Lenore "proved" her goodness to Sam by letting him go, she "proves" her goodness to Dean by resisting the temptation to consume Sam's blood... but Dean started defending Lenore and trying to get Gordon to back off the moment he entered the room.

Dean is also much more thoughtful about where this leaves him and Sam in terms of their past hunts while Sam doesn't consider the past at all?

Istg people rewrite this scene in their minds to be Sam approaching the whole thing from the perspective of someone who was already "enlightened"... but he wasn't. He was equally shocked by the revelation of good vampires possibly existing in this episode. He just doesn't bother to also consider the implications as far as any previous case they've ever been on. He doesn't feel any guilt about it he just lets it go with a shrug and Dean doesn't.

Add to this that in 1.12, Sam was the one with the hardline stance that they couldn't kill humans—ones who would get away with their crimes because they committed them by supernatural means—and that doing so would make them "just as bad" as the things they hunt. The only difference between a human using a reaper to murder people for clout, and a monster murdering people, is the physical characteristics of the monster versus the human. Dean sees a human using a reaper to murder people for clout and says, "they're a monster in my book". He argues they should take care of it because of the human's actions—otherwise there will be no repercussions for the human involved, while Sam draws a hard line that they can't kill a human simply because they're human and for no other reason. This is also crunchy in terms of how it might relate to Sam's eventual feelings about his inner nature making him evil, versus Dean's actions-based analysis.

Sam has a lot of compassion for Max in 1.14, but it's gone by 2.05 when his reaction to Andy is to immediately assume he's a murderer while Dean rightfully thinks there's something else possibly going on... and that's two episodes after 2.03 Bloodlust.

#2.03 #1.14 #2.05 #1.12 #sams moral compass #deans moral compass

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kotaerukoto · 2 months

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Hey! Just a preface, since I'm going to be making myself very, very vulnerable here. But I still want to do what I said I would do in my New Year's resolution-- to make this year one of action and reconnection, and to do that I think I need to address this first. So, this past year and a half have been very, very difficult for me. I haven’t really talked about it since I thought it wasn’t something I should go public about to this extent here. But I think I should, to make a statement and solidify my resolve to start taking steps again. I’ve been, frankly, extremely depressed. I've been going to therapy weekly for a while now. I don’t want to talk about exactly the reasons why since it’s very personal, but there’s just a lot of things going on with me that I’ve been confronting and trying to work through. From how I’m isolating myself to how I’m honestly afraid to get excited while talking about writing with friends because of an incident a few years back that I still don’t (and probably will never) understand completely, there's a lot of negativity going on in my head even if I put up a happy front about it. And beyond that, there's just a lot of shame and guilt in even doing that isolation, which leads me to do it further… It's a cycle I need to break myself out of, one that I'm just starting to tackle with my therapist now that I can put it into words. And through all of that, my writing — which is one of the few things about myself that I've ever had pride in -- has atrophied, what I used to have just isn't there anymore. It feels like I've lost the voices of my muses and even Makoto, who is basically my ADHD hyperfixation and my most permanent and favorite muse, doesn't come to me as easily as he used to. Is this what they'd say? Is this how they sound? Is this what they'd do? I don't really know anymore and it breaks my heart. In a way, that's probably why I've been thinking of and posting about Makoto's determination so much-- because I need that in my life right now, the will to keep on and work hard no matter what. But I'm not here to say I'm quitting writing or roleplaying! Just the opposite! I want to free myself of the curse of perfectionism I have of myself because despite how much I want to write larger things to reply to you all with, since I love everything my mutuals write and I want to do my absolute best in response, it's no longer easy for me to do that. I need to be more reasonable to myself to free myself of my unrealistic expectations, and build myself back up to the point where I can express what I want to express. If I write something large and complicated, cool, if I don't, that's just how it is-- I want to be able to think that way. So I'm going to try. Not to do something I think is impossible right now, but to do what is possible for me right now. It might not be perfect, and I might be floundering to find my muses' voices again, but I'll still try, and do. I've got no idea how long it'll take or if I will, but (to use a phrase a certain normal, unlucky but stubborn guy might whip out) even so… And eventually, I'm going to get back to where I was and exceed the Alex I used to be.

Thank you for reading and listening. And to all my mutuals who've been with me this past year and longer from my previous blog, for being so patient while I work to build back the person I am and the things I lost, I hope to and want to restrengthen our relationships, which I feel like I've let fall by the wayside because of my isolation and depression. I say it a lot but I really do mean it: Thank you so, so much.

#out of character.#the past four years in general have been pretty hard... the aftereffects of the pandemic really shifted the world and my own.#now that this is out of my head-- time to start taking steps again.

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hoppipolla · 1 year

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Alcohol and characterisation in The Eighth Sense – Part 2

Episode 5

Alcohol is a means to pass time, to fill the void when a sense of boredom washes over you. Joon Pyo usually asks Ji Hyun if he wants a drink when he doesn’t know what else to do (after losing his game in ep 3 for instance). Yoon Won offers a get-together – with Jae Won and Tae Hyung – to Ae Ri and Ji Hyun because everyone has nothing planned for the evening so why not have some drinks?

I still stand by what I said in my previous text post about Jae Won never drinking to the point of losing complete control of himself. Even if Jae Won might have drunk a lot more during his freshman year – as Tae Hyung points out when he says he hasn’t seen Jae Won this drunk since freshman year – he always managed to get home on his own for Tae Hyung never once brought him back home. (“Jae Won took you home so many times when you were drunk. Why can’t you do the same just this time?” This is not a word-for-word translation but the English translation seemed a bit off here.)

Drunk Jae Won is an odd sight, even for the people closest to him. Yoon Won is surprised to see him in such a state and Ji Hyun is distressed to see him act so unlike himself.

It’s also the first time we see Jae Won expressing his anger and frustration in front of others in such an obvious way. He is used to Tae Hyung nasty remarks. He is used to people seeing him as someone who has no worries whatsoever and whose future is already all planned out. His mask knows how to handle such comments but he loses it when Tae Hyung describes having siblings as some kind of hindrance when you wish to inherit a business (which he does not btw). Even the most perfect mask would crack under such circumstances. The pain of losing his brother is a scar that will never heal nor fade. Jae Won carries this gaping wound in his heart every day although he tries to “shake it off” little by little as life goes on (cf. what his therapist tells him by the end of the episode). Tae Hyung can speak ill of him and spout nonsense but he shall never say anything that might remotely harm Jae Jin’s memory. He will never let that happen even if it means letting go of his mask.

Even when Jae Won gets drunk, he is still in control and it’s heart-breaking to see: he doesn’t just lose track of the drinks he has, he wants to get drunk. He’s trying hard to achieve that state: for once in his life, he wants to be irresponsible, he wants to forget, and he wants to stop his pain from gnawing at his heart. It’s not a coincidence he does so while Ji Hyun is by his side. A part of him thinks Ji Hyun will run away as soon as he sees this “messy” part of himself but Ji Hyun does the exact opposite. He’s always sensed that part of him lingering under the kindness of his eyes and the thoughtfulness of his actions. He’s always known it was there but Jae Won never let him see its rawness.

Ji Hyun is not scared of him: he is scared for him. When he sees him emptying his glasses one after the other, he sees the intensity of his overflowing pain and despair and he is terrified of what it might make him do.

Even when obviously drunk, Jae Won has a moment of clarity when Ji Hyun tells him that it’s up to him to define what acting as himself is like. Ji Hyun keeps him grounded even when he wants to let it all go, when he feels he cannot take another step forward. What’s so heart-wrenching in this scene is how Jae Won expected to be left alone at the end of the evening. He didn’t expect Ji Hyun to take him home (cf. ep 6: “You should’ve walked Ae Ri that night.”). He didn’t expect Ji Hyun to be the shoulder on which he could lean on when he felt too tired to keep his eyes open. He didn’t expect Ji Hyun to give him a hangover drink. He didn’t expect Ji Hyun to stick by his side after what he saw.

His mask completely shatters when Ji Hyun tells him that he believes in him and that he’ll be there for him no matter what. No one ever saw his true self. No one ever saw his soul’s broken pieces. But Ji Hyun did and he is still looking at him with the same concerned eyes, his words carrying a warmth so gentle that Jae Won’s whole world is melting. That hug is Jae Won indulging in what his heart desires. That hug is Jae Won clinging onto his last hope. That hug is Jae Won letting himself feel a gentleness he’s never felt before.

I found it quite relevant that Ji Hyun answered Jae Won’s question – “What’s like acting like myself?” – after taking a shot of what Jae Won’s been drinking. He marks a pause, pours himself a glass, lets the alcohol burn his throat, and it’s only then that he finally answers – “It’s up to you.”. It’s as if he tried to understand what Jae Won was doing only to answer him that no one knows the answer to this question except for himself. He cannot answer this question in his place. Ji Hyun will be there as he searches for an answer but he will not nor can he give him an answer.

When Ji Hyun tells him that he can’t kiss him tonight, it is to emphasise the fact that he cannot act like he does with other people when he is with him. Ji Hyun won’t have it. He is telling him that he sees him for who he is and that it doesn’t matter if the person he is is someone so deeply broken, scared, and lost. It doesn’t matter to him that Jae Won wants to heal but the wounds from his past won’t let him. Nothing matters except Jae Won, the Jae Won behind the mask, the Jae Won who sees beauty in everything he lays his eyes on for he wanted to be a photography major. Ji Hyun will love Jae Won but he won’t save him. Jae Won will save himself because he is the only one who can.

Episode 6

That half-light scene in episode 6 is like a chiaroscuro painting and it’s as beautiful as it is heart-rending. If Ji Hyun’s thoughtfulness was a light, it would have lit up the whole beach. His carefulness made him speak all the right words at the right times and it made him bring the fireworks the moment words were no longer enough to soothe Jae Won’s mind. There’s no alcohol in this episode – only hot drinks – because both of them bared their souls to each other. Alcohol would have muddled their thoughts and both needed to be clear-headed to be as honest as they were. It doesn’t mean that Jae Won was being rational – he wasn’t and everyone noticed how unstable he was – but he was being genuine and so alcohol never crossed their minds.

Jae Won opened his heart in a way he had never done before, not even to himself. He let his open wound bleed thinking he could control the flow but he was taken aback when he realised he couldn’t utter the words – he couldn’t tell how his brother had died because the lump in his throat was impossible to swallow.

Ji Hyun’s presence forces him ever so gently to look at the things he’s been ignoring for the longest time. He didn’t want to face his pain and so he buried it. He felt safe in the army because he didn’t need to think about the things that mattered. He settled into a new routine and silenced his despair by diligently doing what he was told. But he had to come back. His military service came to an end and he was abruptly brought back to the cold reality. He now needs to make decisions for his future but how could he when he never expected to have a tomorrow? Jae Won has been living in the dark for so long, he needs time to adjust to his new-found light and Ji Hyun is helping him do that.

#the eighth sense #im jisub #oh juntaek #jae won x ji hyun #kdrama #long post #*enjoy my nonsense #*t8s analysis

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ali-dot-txt · 8 months

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yo i played persona 5 for the first time (III)

Alright, so this post (previous one here and first post in the chain here) is going to be about my general final notes and about Hina as a character.

Despite all my gripes, I did end up enjoying the game. I wouldn't have poured 230 hours into it if I'd hated it.

But most of the enjoyment I wrung from it was a result of the mod and the personal headcanon I spent the whole game developing. I really don't think this game would've been for me without that, which is why I don't intend on playing Persona 4 (well, at least until that game's female protagonist mod gets off the ground). I might play Persona 3 Portable as that game's female protagonist after a little break, though.

The final tally of Hina's Confidants:

Sorry to all the Yusuke fans.

Everyone's final stats:

In 2017, this would be about 88,000 dollars? Which is an absurd amount of money for her to just have on hand.

Favorite characters? I guess I'll list the characters:

Hina (cop-out, i know, but I like her a lot)

Futaba

Haru

Lavenza/the twins

Sojiro

Sumire

Ann

Ryuji

Akechi (he really jumped up in the last arc)

Hifumi

Sae

Morgana (he really jumped very late in the game as well)

Yusuke (sorry, Yusuke fans)

Iwai (I feel like I'd like him more if I'd got further in his Confidant)

Chihaya (same as Iwai)

Makoto (a sudden and incredible fall)

Maruki (he's the worst therapist ever, but he's pretty interesting when he's not talking way too much and his final scenes are really good)

Skilled Gamer (gonna be real, I don't remember his name)

Ohya

Takemi

Mishima (would have preferred if he was removed entirely)

Hina never met Kawakami outside of class and never spoke to that politician.

Anyway, as for Hina...

She's maybe my favorite player character in any video game ever. The slight jankiness of her implementation lent her so much charm, and characterizing her was a ton of fun, especially with how close my trans headcanon seemed to the game's reality. Does that affection transfer to Akira/Ren, or other people's genderswapped Jokers? Well, no, not really. I can't say I'm an expert on the way people view Joker as a character, but from a cursory glance, I feel like Hina's distinct enough from the popular interpretation that she's basically an entirely different person slotted into the role of protagonist. Maybe that's conceited of me.

Hina has the most common family name in Japan, and I thought Hina was the most popular given name in Japan in 1999, the year she was probably born. Turns out that wasn't the case, Hina is actually much more popular recently. The actual most popular name for 1999? Miku. So if I'd had accurate data, she may well have been called Miku Satou. Probably not though.

Hina didn't have friends in her hometown, partially because she was really quiet as a kid and partially because everyone started avoiding her after she started coming to school in a girls' uniform.

Hina's parents have been supportive from the beginning. In fact, her name is from them (she requested it). Also, they sent her to Tokyo with a maid outfit in her box of stuff, which is extremely funny. She calls them once a week, early on Sundays. She doesn't tell them about her phantom thief activities.

Hina's legal name is changed, but not her legal gender (people only ever call her Hina, even in situations where they'd have only read her name off legal forms, so her name must legally be Hina).

Hina largely doesn't react when people misgender her because she's used to it.

When Maruki mentioned that Hina might make a good counselor herself someday, the headcanon wheels started turning in my head and I realized that that's really fucking good. Hina wants to go to university to become a youth counselor, because she saw what happens when someone has the worst counselor ever. Not to mention Hina wanting to help kids like her who might not react well to an authority figure telling them how to live is really sweet.

Hina's trying to create a real version of her Phantom Thief outfit she can wear casually. She has red gloves in her winter school outfit! Why else would she have those? She's going to get white glasses frames next.

Hina isn't good at talking to people, but she comes off as confident because she also has a hard time speaking in any particular tone, so she almost always seems to be talking without reservations.

Hina is an only child. (Fairly sure this is an element of most people's imagined Jokers. No way does this person have siblings.)

I don't think most of the harsh things I put in quotes to indicate that Hina said them are things she actually would say. I think she's probably thinking them.

Hina has a gaming PC in her hometown. Her buying that laptop was because she was going stir-crazy from not having access to a desktop computer.

Hina likes Morgana much more than I do. She doesn't think of him as a big brother (lmao), but she does love him like a brother.

In contrast, I think Hina has exactly as much disdain for Mishima as I have.

Hina isn't really invested in Akechi. She thinks he's a terrible weirdo who she wishes would stop talking to her. When she learns about his actual motivations, that switches to thinking of him as kind of pathetic. She wishes he would have talked to her about his issues at all, because she probably could have helped him deal with them like she helps literally everyone else, but she's not so broken up about him not being in her life anymore. (In contrast, I actually quite like Akechi now that I get what they were going for with him.)

Hina is good at schoolwork, but she's lacking in common sense.

Takemi actually never misgendered Hina, and Maruki only did so once. It's pretty funny how the medical professionals are consistently the least transphobic people in the game. I wonder why that is? 🤔

Hina got really good at making coffee and curry in the year she spent at Leblanc.

Hina being shorter than regular Joker is especially funny because her animation speed has to be adjusted, so she walks really fast in cutscenes where she moves places. She has to move that fast to keep up with people.

Hina's relationship with Haru is going to cause an absolutely awful scandal if it ever becomes public. I have no idea how they're going to deal with that, but hopefully they'll figure it out.

Hina doesn't really find any new friends when she moves back home, but she's alright with keeping to herself and focusing on her studies while having friends she can talk to online and a cat who can talk.

Hina might be rejected from a lot of universities for her criminal record or her transness. She might've had her record expunged, but she still spent time in juvie, not to mention the heavily political implications of her actions might risk scandal for any university that she enrolls in. She might end up having to apply to universities abroad, where the Phantom Thieves and the events surrounding them weren't so much in the public consciousness.

Anyway, that's Hina Satou. I might write fic for her someday? But she requires a lot of context to really understand her. I care about her a lot, and people understanding her is important to me for some reason.

And finally: some of my favorite screenshots of Hina.

#persona 5 #post series #p5r #persona 5 royal #p5r spoilers #persona 5 spoilers #joker persona 5 #trans joker persona 5 #hina satou #satou hina #modding #postmortem #trans headcanon #akira kurusu #ren amamiya #persona #rambly #very rambly #extremely rambly

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multiplicity-positivity · 7 months

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Hihi so I recently discovered I have at least one alter, and communication is super difficult, but we are working on it. He's expressed the desire to try to front but bc he feels so faint and has only ever been able to sort of cofront with barely any control compared to me I have no ides how to go about trying to help him. Do you think it might be impossible or is there a way we can try or something?

hey, so we don’t have much personal experience when it comes to controlling switches or encouraging a switch to happen, as our switches always seem to happen due to an outside trigger or as a result of our gatekeeper helping (or making) us switch.

honestly if y’all don’t have great or even good communication, and you don’t already switch naturally, it may be a good idea to focus on building communication more before you try to switch. this could save y’all a lot of difficulties down the road. we wrote a post a while back on establishing contact with headmates - even though y’all are in touch maybe it could help strengthen y’all’s connection:

cofronting is a great way to start encouraging a switch, in our opinion. maybe you can try and practice giving up a little more control each time y’all front together. we can assure you that, for many systems, communication at least will grow easier with time, patience, and lots of practice.

it’s also important to have reasonable expectations for yourself and your system. our host (parker, hi) is almost always fronting in our system to some extent. for us, a switch looks more like someone taking over the wheel while the previous fronter moves to the back seat. some of us are able to switch out fully, but others just can’t. as far as we know, they never have been able to. so we manage our expectations and never try to force a headmate out of the front entirely, especially if they haven’t been able to achieve something like that in the past.

we’ll also go ahead and link our resource post for questioning systems:

in that post ^ we have links to sites like tulpa.io, tulpa.info, and tulpanomicon. while these sites are geared towards created, nontraumagenic systems, there’s a wealth of guides and resources for those hoping to switch and how to go about achieving this for systems who haven’t been able to switch before.

we’re not sure what your system’s origins are, but if you’re trauma-formed or you suspect your system may be traumagenic, it might not be good to use the sites listed above. this is because, as far as we understand, many paromancy systems achieve switches through purposeful dissociation, which could be incredibly dangerous for systems who already have issues with dissociation.

finally, we’ll say that if you are in therapy, and have a therapist who you trust who is at least somewhat knowledgeable about systems, it may be well worth it to bring this up to them and ask them for suggestions. our therapist has successfully helped us switch a couple times before. however, we understand how lucky we are to have a therapist who is kind, patient, and educated about systems and dissociation. if you don’t have a therapist, or aren’t sure whether or not you could trust your therapist to help you switch, it may be best to ignore this suggestion.

sorry if this reply is long winded and frazzled. we’re kind of all over the place at the moment. though we do hope that something here will prove beneficial for you. good luck with everything.

🐢 kip and 💫 parker

#switching #internal communication #fronting #long post

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dungeonmastersconsortium · 1 year

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TW: Mental Health

I struggled a lot with deciding whether or not to make this post. At various times while writing it, I have thought that it was (either separately, some simultaneously, or all together) vain, self-deprecating, self-indulgent, selfish, attention seeking, or too depressing for anyone else to read. And if you continue past this point, heads up: it probably is these things at various times.

For those of you that don't know, I have Bipolar 1 and Borderline personality disorder. I have been actively putting in the work for a few years to get myself toward a better place mentally. Therapy, psych, meds, you name it, I've been doing it. I firmly believe it's important to do the work. (Honestly, you should go to therapy too.) I need to start off by saying this because it's an important foundation for the rest of this post.

My pair of SWEET mental illnesses manifest together in various ways. Individually, they're kind of what you might expect. Take the Bipolar 1. If you've known me for a long time and we interact in person, socially, I GUARANTEE you have experienced one of my manic episodes, and possibly benefitted from it in some way. I'm "lucky" in that the way my manic/hypomanic episodes manifest is mostly in ways that don't directly harm people, especially physically. I get VERY charismatic and outgoing. Very impulsive. WAY more social. I get very generous with my friends, moreso than normal. These also have some really bad downsides, but they aren't the things that would get me hospitalized. (Except for a couple instances of auditory hallucination back in my younger days. Hasn't happened in over a decade, though.) But my impulsivity has hurt people's feelings when I do something careless. I've developed coping mechanisms for this that allow me to more responsibly indulge in mania (which DOES feel great, unfortunately) without harming anyone usually.

Y'all also definitely know I can get pretty depressed. It happens. It happened a LOT in the past. A little less often now. Part of the bipolar thing too.

In short, I feel things much more strongly than neurotypical folks. This applies to all emotional states. While not everything I feel is extreme, the strength at which I feel things has a greater capacity for highs and lows. I guess the best way to explain it would be that most neurotypical folks have an emotional capacity from 1-10, and it's a pretty even scale, proportional to events that occur to trigger that emotional state. I would characterize myself as having a 1-20 scale. One problem is that my emotional scale isn't exactly EVEN. The higher the initial emotional reaction, the more likely it is to slide up the scale if left unchecked. If I'm not careful, something that solicits a reaction of, say, 7, will work its way up higher and higher.

You've heard of people being "overcome by emotion," and I can tell you that it's… SOMETHING. My previous therapist described it as not just a negative thing, he referred to it as a kind of superpower. While yes, I can feel sadness, despair, anger, hopelessness, and outrage at incredibly strong levels, I also experience joy, love, excitement, and passionate at similarly high levels. This can be VERY dangerous if left unchecked for me. A strong "active" emotion like excitement, joy, or anger can trigger a full manic episode.

Every day is work for me, mentally. One of the things 3 separate therapists and 2 psychologists have told me is that I'm very good at metacognition. Metacognition is, in short, thinking about thinking. I'm pretty good at tracking my own thought patterns and examining root causes of present emotions. I'm pretty dang good at this point especially at pointing out to my partners when I can feel the mania or depression coming on. (Which I think they're pretty grateful for lmao) It helps me regulate my emotions, as I can usually backtrack something and figure out when/why it is that way. My last therapist told me it makes his job both easier and harder, because most people have trouble identifying their own thought patterns and processes in therapy, which is why they're in therapy.

I have, both inadvertently and on purpose, developed a lot of tools to help manage my behaviors. In general terms, the best metaphor I can think of is a sheepdog trying to herd a particularly unruly herd of sheep, with no fence. Part of me is just trying to get out, even though it'll objectively be bad for me. The other part of me is constantly running circles around the herd, doing its best to keep everything within safe boundaries. There's a problem with this, though, that the metaphor is also handy for.

A dog can't run forever. At some point, it's going to get tired. It's going to need a break, to rest. Even when the sheep aren't actively trying to get away, just remaining vigilant in place can be tiring. Because it KNOWS they're gonna try to get away again.

My biggest problem over the last couple years is… Hard to talk about. I've trained myself to be able to regulate, but it's a LOT of work. It can be VERY frustrating even when great things are happening, because I can't just let go and enjoy something, as if I let it go too far, it might be bad news. I keep myself in check because I don't want to hurt other people. In my deepest, most authentic self, I don't want to hurt anyone. But it's TIRING.

I think it's why one of my love languages is acts of service and gift giving. (Both giving and receiving.) Someone taking something off my plate without me having to ask is VERY meaningful to me, especially since I have a hard time asking for help. (Part of the whole 'not wanting to make my mental health other people's problem thing.) Gifts also show me concrete proof that other people think about me and care about me during the times I can't remember that any other way. If you've ever been in my office/game room, I'm surrounded by tokens of my friends'/partners'/former students' affection.

The big problem is that… This is kinda the rest of my life. It's a lot of work, with no end in sight if I want to be the person I want to be. Looking out over the horizon of years that I have remaining, however many that might be… The task seems daunting and despair inducing. A prior therapist suggested DBT, but I HAVE the tools to cope, which is what DBT offers. DBT involves twice weekly sessions, one individually and one group, where you learn the skills to deal with your strong emotions, your relationship with attachment, (whether you actively avoid, push away, or attach too strongly,) and develop the tools to handle it. And there's a lot of homework. A LOT. And diary work. And that's why it was never going to work for me. I ALREADY do the mental lists, the metacognition, the identification. The thought of duplicating that work only made the despair worse.

Sometimes I just want to let everything go and be truly reckless for a little while. (No, not like in a stupid "my jokerification moment" kind of way.) Not because I want to hurt other people, but because.. Well, selfishly, it's not fair to have to be this vigilant all the time. It's constant work that I have to do that others don't have to do. It's exhausting and tiring, and there's no therapy that can really address that part of my brain. The frustrating part of therapy and psychiatry is that there's a focus on bringing the patient/client to as close they can to functioning in society, and I put in a LOT of work. There's a lot that I can say about how much it sucks that the SOCIETY we're supposed to be a part of (USA + Capitalism) says, "get on board or fucking die," and does not do any work to accommodate us. But that's a whole other conversation, and this post is already REALLY long.

There's not much of a point here. There's no moral. I guess I just wanted to share my struggle. Maybe someone else will see this and relate. I know it's difficult to find. If you google, "why didn't DBT work for me," you'll get mostly articles talking about how it works for 70-77% of people with BPD, or forum posts telling those asking this question (usually asked in frustrated, despairing tones) that they just didn't work hard enough. Or buy in to the program enough.

I find that insulting. I do work hard, because I think the work is WORTH it. But a lifetime of work like this is daunting when you consider it as a whole, not just as the present. So I try to take it a moment at a time. A day at a time. A week, maybe.

I guess I'll close with a quote from The Good Place. Because I just binge watched it again last weekend.

“I argue that we choose to be good because of our bonds with other people and our innate desire to treat them with dignity. Simply put, we are not in this alone.”

-Chid Anagonye

#bipolar #bpd #borderline personality disorder #dbt

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pansexual-lilychen · 1 year

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I think my most unpopular ChoT opinion (I'm sorry to the previous asker) is that despite my general hate for love triangles, I wound up not minding this one. I was deeply dreading it after ChoI, but I felt like it was a huge driving force for Matthew's growth (and he's my favourite character). I might make a post on this because there were definitely multiple factors that contributed, but I think Matthew's first wakeup call that he had a drinking problem was Cordelia (rightfully) being mad that he lied to her and leaving Paris. I don't think this wakeup call would have happened without the love triangle, and that makes me feel pretty at peace with it.

I also really liked how Cordelia vs Matthew's addiction was handled. I was really worried that Cassie was going to somehow make Cordelia his therapist and/or salvation, and I hate when female characters (especially badasses like Cordelia) are put in the position of being a carer or glorified therapist. But ChoT actively subverted that trope by making Cordelia pull out and having Matthew be his own salvation.

Idk as an avid love triangle hater, I didn't mind.

(Tw sexual abuse from here on)

Another one is that I didn't think that James was being unreasonable at all in not wanting to talk about the bracelet. I know a lot of people wanted to shake him for being uncommunicative, but it felt realistic and understandable when you consider that James is, in fact, a long-term sexual abuse survivor.

This isn't Grace hate, she's one of my faves and I think Tatiana is the one to blame. But James's reaction deeply checked out.

guess who just wrote a really long reply to this ask, then while trying to post it tumblr glitched & deleted it? anyway, here’s the short version because i cannot type this whole think out again:

i think seeing matthews love for cordelia as a device to advance his character development in his journey to sobriety does make the love triangle more bearable and is a fresh approach, however i am still an avid love triangle critic and i am sure there were other ways to push his arc further.

but i also liked that CC didn’t put this much pressure on cordelia for matthews journey, and made her his catalyst to reconsider his drinking rather than make her his entire motivation & support system. and i did love how she included the merry thieves & expanded maths support system like that !! one of my favorite scenes in the book!!

i also didn’t mind james keeping the grace situation a secret that much. sure as a reader it can feel frustrating when your ship is this close to being canon and the only thing standing between them is james not telling cordelia the whole story; HOWEVER i would argue that it was not his pride (as he says himself) but his trauma from the whole situation, and that plays out rather realistically in my opinion. i know i had written another thing here but i forgot i’m sorry

anyway, people please keep the unpopular chain of thorns opinions coming!!

#cassandra clare #tsc #shadowhunters #personal #the last hours #tlh #chain of thorns spoilers #chain of thorns #chain of thorns spoiler #chot #cot #chot spoiler #herondaisy #matthew fairchild #james herondale #unpopular tsc opinions

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whumping-seven-days-a-week · 2 years

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Highway to Hell

(this is my new series and I’d love it if anyone could provide feedback)

@whumpcereal @darkthingshappen @oddsconvert @painsandconfusion @lonewhumper @shywhumpauthor @some-messed-up-writing-for-you (if you’re on this list then congrats, you’re my fave writers! Also I will not tag you again after this)

I will not lie this was a bit rushed but I felt so desperate to post something.

Part One

Tears cascaded down Kelsey’s cheeks as she let the door shut behind her. One more year she was constantly reminded. One more year. When other people tell her that, they seem to neglect the fact that a year is a long time.

She brushed the tears from her face and ran to the bathroom to examine her mascara streaks. Staring in the mirror has a funny effect on time. You feel like you were there for a couple of seconds when in reality you’ve been there for hours, thinking about your face. Your body. How bad it looks. How Jennifer from school has a flatter stomach than you. How Lana has a smaller nose. Endlessly wondering how you could be better.

Glancing at her watch she noticed it was only 11:45 and yet she was already home from school. Luckily her parents were at work until late today.

Choosing PE as an a-level was a bad idea. And not just because of the shitty nature of the subject itself. At her previous school, there had been separate changing rooms for each person, but here, they all got changed in one room. This wouldn’t have been a problem… except for her scars.

Thousands of marks littered across her back, and chest. Different methods for each one, some newer than the rest. If she was in a joking mood she might have called herself mixed media paper. Normally it’s only her that laughs.

Laughing is like a coping mechanism. Inside she might feel like shit but no worries, let’s make the conversation more awkward by joking about her trauma. It’s one of the reasons her therapist isn’t done with her.

She isn’t normally so sensitive when people notice her scars. But this time was different. They stared. They pointed. They whispered. Some of them even giggled. I mean what sort of person does that? Almost immediately she threw her shirt back on and dashed out of the room.

There were a bunch of burns too. The letter ‘c’ recurring almost everywhere. Cassian liked to do that. Mark her as his.

She scrubbed the mascara from her cheeks and made sure she was looking presentable. She didn’t know why, there was no way she was going back to school now. Not after the scene she just caused.

After unlocking the bathroom door and stepping out into the hallway, she headed to the kitchen to make herself some lunch. Most days she skipped lunch, but she didn’t have much else to do.

She pulled a knife from the block and started chopping the tomatoes. They looked a little old but she didn’t care. Just for a second, she could have felt certain she heard the upstairs floorboard creak. But who would be home? Not her dad- he’s in Spain for work and her mum was at some big work meeting.

‘Hey, Alexa! Play Kelsey’s mix’ she yelled to the device across the room. It was stress-relieving to yell. To shout. To scream. That one she worked out herself- no therapists required.

She hummed along to the tune and headed over to the trash can to peel the carrots. The only way she could ever cease the voices in her head was with music. She always managed to lose herself in it.

But then she heard a creak again. And this time it was louder. Closer.

Her head whipped around trying to find the source but there was no one there.

‘Mom!?’ she yelled apprehensively. Her anxiety was starting the build and her heart rate quickened, ‘are you there?’ Her voice was quieter that time. So quiet it was almost a whisper.

She placed the carrot on the counter and grabbed her knife from earlier. Whoever was there was not meant to be there.

‘I said, is anybody there.’ Kelsey tried to sound threatening but the fear in her voice was evident.

The police. She needed to call the police. Her eyes flicked to the counter but her phone wasn’t there. Shit. She left it in the bathroom.

Slowly, she made her way to the bathroom, almost tripping over a shoe. She locked the door behind her and grabbed her phone from the sink.

She began to dial the numbers. 9. 1. Then she looked up. Biggest mistake of her life.

‘Hey there baby doll, missed me?’ Cassian. Fuck. Fuck! His voice was cruel, laced with fake sweetness. In the mirror she could see him lurking in the far corner, pointing his gun at her.

She dropped her phone from fear, and as he walked towards her, stayed frozen. His eyes were a piercing blue, so bright you could see them from a mile away. They just made him more intimidating.

Kelsey stared. She stared for a while as he brought his hand to hold her face and as she shuddered under his grasp. Her mind desperately grasped for a way out. ‘I-I’ she stuttered, ‘I, Cassian, p-please, just-just leave me alone.’ Fear was choking her.

‘Listen here,’ he said, ‘you be a good girl and come with me and it won’t be as bad when we get home. How does that sound?’ Home. But not her home.

It took all of her strength to not follow him, lean into his gentle touches. Instead, she ran. Only a couple of steps to the door where she grabbed the doorknob. It didn’t open. It was locked.

Those couple of seconds trying to unlock the door cost her. Cassian was onto her in an instant, grabbing her and wrestling her to the floor. Sure, Kelsey threw some punches, but she was only small. 5,3 to be exact whilst Cassian was definitely at least 6 feet.

She was surprised her heart didn’t come crashing out of her chest at the ferocity of its pounding. Her eyes were streaming again.

He straddled her waist a began to look through his bag whilst Kelsey threw some weak punches. It was pathetic. But she’d rather be pathetic than give up.

When she tried to scream, it was as if her voice didn’t work. It was trapped in her throat as Cassian pulled a syringe.

‘I’d stay still if I were you.’ he laughed so casually. It was fucking demonic.

He held her head with one hand and injected the yellow liquid with the other.

It took effect almost immediately. The world began to spin and all of her remaining strength felt drained. She just about managed to slur a few words before rolling over onto her front, when the drug took control. The last thing she heard was her music.

Highway to Hell by AC/DC. Ironic.

#writing #whump scenario #whump series #whump writing #whumpblr #whump drabble #conditioned whumpee #pet whump #whumpee #please communicate with me #ladywhump #forced drugging #implied past torture #implied torture

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halfelven · 1 year

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typical my life was fucked up stuff under the cut (csa)

i have quite high self esteem and self confidence which always surprises psychiatrists bc of my background but the thing is i don’t really know why i do? possibly out of spite? from pure necessity? byproduct of having to be as independent as i had to be?

i’m also not a people pleaser and i don’t really have social anxiety so it might stem from the idea that there was nothing i could do to get attention, affection, or help and the only person i could ever rely on was myself

i did use to hate myself and think a lot of the shit they told me about me was true, but i really like myself now and i don’t think my close friends all secretly hate me. i have to force myself to respect (good) authority and not think i’m better than other people. i think this probably does stem from the hyper independence. i also have to force myself to form attachments.

(this is one thing that i told my mother would happen to me in my ‘why i shouldn’t be this isolated’ presentations. i have referenced it in previous posts without admitting what it was since i don’t want to hurt people’s feelings by saying it is hard for me to form attachments or really care if someone stays in my life. it’s not consciously a choice to avoid hurt from people leaving, but it might be subconsciously that. i saw too many friends die as a child and then went into near total isolation and didn’t form any new relationships during a crucial time in child development—as i told my mother.)

i find it interesting how it is so different from what psychiatrists are expecting, but all my good drs have admitted there’s hardly any studies done on cases like mine, so there’s not that much to compare it to.

but my current dr doesn’t think i should do long distance therapy due to she thinks my therapist should closely monitor my body language and facial expressions.

(‘like what you’re doing with your hands,’ she says, as i glance down at how i’m twirling my thumbs round each other. i laugh since i knew that was one big thing she meant when she said it would be better in person. ‘yes, that makes sense, of course,’ i say. i smile at her, looking straight into her eyes and laugh again because i know the other thing she’s thinking and that we’re both not saying. ‘so much of trauma is held in the body,’ she says, ‘and long distance you can’t see more than the face. and you can’t mark changes.’ ‘of course,’ i agree.

i can’t remember our last appointment in february or the one before that in december. she tells me that both times i spoke clearly and was tidy and presentable. that she hadn’t noticed anything about me being completely gone. she asks if i was gone somewhere else. i truthfully tell her that i can’t remember most of the winter. nothing felt real and now most of it is dark.

she says i’m the perfect candidate for rehabilitation because i’m so driven and strong. that i need time to heal and establish myself. but i know what i want. i nod again. i know what i want. i don’t know who i am. she says my background was inhuman and inhumane. i nod and smile again. i haven’t smiled this much in weeks.

i tell her i’m glad i got the rehabilitation because i do know what i want and my studies will help me get it but i was scared that if i started therapy while expected to do full time studies i would just fall apart completely. ‘it’s going to be bad,’ i say. it’s going to get worse before it gets better. i push away images of inhuman cruelty that did not happen to me.

‘therapy is very hard,’ she says. ‘but it helps. no one would do it if it didn’t help. it’s too painful… unless they were extreme masochists!’ we both laugh. i have bruises running up my arm from bite marks.

i don’t get home before i break down crying in the park. i lean against a tree and cry. she’s telling me i’m getting real help, actual stability. i’m crying because that’s a mean joke to play on someone. it’s not real. and even if it were, i can’t grasp the concept of stability. i’ve never been able to plan my life more than a month ahead.

and nothing seems real anyway. i’m floating instead of actually stepping on the ground. i didn’t sleep last night and i have just come back from a funeral that reminded me that i have no one to turn to. it’s so warm, and it was still winter in the north. and i’m tired so all the light seems brighter.

nothing is real and i didn’t live through that hell. yesterday i read a sad, sad book and knew that it had to have happened. my denial, my memory working exactly like that. it couldn’t happen. it was too cruel. i couldn’t deny it longer. but today is real. of course it didn’t happen. nothing is real. i whisper old words in my mind, ‘this isn’t happening. this isn’t happening.’ so it didn’t happen. so it could never have happened. it wasn’t real then and it’s not real now.

and i fall apart for no reason, and they’re going to find out, and get mad at me for lying, and take away all my help and i’ll never be able to keep a job because i’m too dramatic and just want attention.

of course that’s not true. i know i couldn’t fake this. i’m too strong anyway. if it didn’t happen i would already have gone so far in life. become a surgeon or something. i’m too smart. too resourceful. too determined and independent and brave. it was something bad that made this. it just didn’t happen to me.

another doctor stared at me before and told me i had a fire inside me she had never seen before. and another doctor told me i had the strongest will he had ever seen. that sounds made up but it happened and i still don’t know what to think of it.

the one who called me strongest liked me so much that it was not at all professional. he told me that i was too self aware for him to be anything but entirely direct. and then he told me i was brilliant and had to go to grad school so my mind wouldn’t be wasted and that i would change the world. ((people who haven’t gotten off their computer in ten years will say it never happened.))

and i am sitting here today knowing that i have written a book that could probably help change the world. and it would also give my soul away, in a sense. it’s brutally raw and there’s not much that i’m hiding—there is some of course, but i would go insane if there wasn’t. and sure i’m brave. but am i that brave?

ever since i was a child i knew that i would always be hated. not because i was at my core entirely hateable but because i was always going to make so many enemies.

i heard their stories and what they wanted for the world, and i was going to make myself their enemy. an evil villain who they could focus some hatred on, get it away from people who didn’t want it. change others’ minds.

that’s not the part i’m scared of. it’s just going to be so hard to hear people who say they want to help csa victims say i survived wrong. coped wrong. got my sexuality wired wrong. and i’m not leaving that out because i know other people kill themselves over this. i’m sick of saying i’m sorry for being raped as an infant and coming out wrong. i’m not sorry.

i’m violent and angry. i’d like to torture him to death. and people say they want to do that for less. if you are stripped entirely of your pride and humanity what do you become?

at least he never broke me

#probably the longest non story post i’ve made #musings #personali #medical //#typical exposure therapy for publishing autobiography #gdlplu

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naranjapetrificada · 11 months

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Okay, so. My recent preoccupation with the 🌟 Gay Pirate Show🌟 accidentally led to one of my therapist's annoyingly insightful media observations and all new emotional work I have to do. And if that felt like getting a tooth knocked out, well then reading this fic felt kinda like the first time you poke the hole in your gums with your tongue and don't immediately taste blood?

You should read it anyway because the writing is impeccable, like you might think you're ready for how well-executed this is but I promise you're not, but if you also saw any of those previous posts and a) felt them resonate and b) find reading useful for doing emotional work then I highly recommend. It wasn't easy to read, because of *gestures at the last few days of my tumblr activity* but the language was so effortlessly poetic and the imagery so sharp and visceral that I couldn't look away.

This was literally the first time I was able to finish anything about what comes next for Ed and Stede without the inexplicable outsized emotional devastation that even shit labeled Domestic Fluff was giving me, and that feels important to make note of.

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aroaceconfessions · 2 years

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https://aroaceconfessions.tumblr.com/post/686688214120054784/hey-im-writing-here-because-i-need-advice-and-i

Hi! I’m this anon 👆

First of all I want to thank everyone who answered my original post, you all really helped!

Secondly, I’m here for an update and ulterior advice (sorry if I’m annoying, but I literally have no one else that knows that I’m both aroace and going to therapy, so here we are).

TW: internalized aroacephobia, drinking, therapy.

So, after my previous post I’ve been to therapy a few times. Luckily, the topic of romantic/sexual relationships never came up again because I had more urgent matters to reflect on. And I hadn’t worried about it since literally my last post, but I went to my last session three days ago and once again I had to face this topic.

For context: I had skipped two weeks of therapy because I’ve been really busy with planning a five months long stay in another country. I’m leaving soon. This week, luckily, everything is calmer so I went to my normally scheduled appointment and everything went well. We focused more on my anxiety because I actually had a few episodes and I wanted to work through them before moving away.

Because of my imminent departure, however, my therapist took a few minutes at the end of my appointment to give me advice and a small recap of my journey/growth till now (which I REALLY appreciated, don’t get me wrong). However in this recap he also mentioned that he would have liked to talk about non-platonic relationships, but my aroace ass never gave him the opening for it. I found this observation pretty fair actually, seeing as a lot of my journey in therapy focused on relationships, how they define me and what role I tend to assume in them. However, he continued his speech saying something along the lines of: “I want you to take this period [the travel] as an opportunity to explore yourself and your boundaries.To let go. And, why not, to explore [non-platonic] relationships. So if you find a boy you like - or a girl - go for it.”

Basically, he told me slut it out lol

But now I find myself with doubts for my last appointment before leaving the country:

1) Do I actually open Pandora's box and come out to my therapist knowing that I won’t be able to go fully in depth of the issue in just one session? Doing this would allow me to get more “tailored” advice for my stay outside the country and actually work on my anxiety from another point of view (not the non-platonic relationships one he already suggested). But it’s still super scary considering I don’t have a lot of time to explain myself (altough he actually acknowledged the possibility of me being queer!!! “or a girl”).

2) Second issue. In a fucked up why that I know I shouldn’t even be considering (for myself), what my therapist said makes sense. I feel like in a way he’s right and I should try exploring relationships, but I’m afraid I won’t ever be able to do it on my terms and that scares me because I already went through a “maybe I just need to get drunk enough to not feel repulsed” phase and luckily nothing bad actually happened. But now that I’m on the verge of moving continents and traveling alone I’m afraid I might resolve to that side of me again and go through grief and internalized ace/arophobia again and, man, I honestly feel like crying just at the thought of that. I wish there would be a safe and sure way to have these experiences but it’s either the unsafety of one-night-stands or the risk of losing a friendship because I decided to gamble on it in the hope I would develop romantic/sexual attraction.

I honestly feel so lonely and tired. It seems like this sexuality crisis will never end and like I might always be lying to myself.

I was so hopeful after my last therapy session, but the more I think about it the more I want to scream.

Sorry for the long post, I hope you all have a nice day! 🧡💛🤍💙

#aromantic #asexual #aroace #arospec #acespec #aspec #aroacespec #arose #internalized aphobia #anxiety #mental health #coming out #therapy

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termitesisagrandslam · 1 year

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Not sure if this will get anywhere but I wanted to share something about ADHD and testing.

I saw an ask on an ADHD blog about taking a computerized test during a psych evaluation that apparently showed that the asker did not have ADHD. The asker expressed their doubts over this, considering how well they fit within the ADHD criteria, but also their fear that they were faking it and didn't have ADHD after all. The ask stood out to me because an extremely similar thing happened to me. So I would like to say this:

These types of tests for ADHD are not the most accurate. At 10 years old, then later at 16 years old, I was given full ADHD assessments and diagnosed with it both times. In my mid twenties, I was give a more general psych evaluation that included a single test for ADHD (in my case, it was pressing a key whenever certain letters popped up on a screen. It lasted no more than 15 minutes.) I was told I didn't have it. I was told people with ADHD are not able to focus effectively for this test. This sent me into major doubt despite two previous diagnoses.

I eventually discussed it with my therapist (who had ADHD herself and at least one kid with it) and she told me something really vital. When looking for an ADHD diagnosis, what one should be looking for is history and patterns. Does the person in question have a history that is consistent with ADHD? Academic, interpersonal, behavioral, or otherwise?

In my case, for instance, a lot of it was academic: above average grades in conjunction with "random" failing grades, frequently changing or dropping out of schools, gaps in my school career, etc. If someone looked at a handful of my good grades without further context, they might think "no way this kid has ADHD, she's clearly able to focus and do well in school." But zooming out, they'd see a pattern showing a student whose success in school is inconsistent, who seems prone to burnout, and has identical struggles at every new school.

That kind of pattern is considerably more important in diagnosing ADHD than a test many people with ADHD can force themselves to focus on for a while. I wanted to make this post in case there are people out there who have had their feelings and experiences cast into doubt. Feeling like you are lying to yourself or trying to mislead counselors and doctors is a terrible, confusing and shameful feeling.

Lastly, I'm only one person and I can't say for sure everyone who has undiagnosed ADHD has a definite history that points to it, or that these short tests are never accurate in any way. I can't even say that full ADHD assessments are going to be accurate (the one I took at 16 involved IQ testing, something I now know is debunked). I can only say that one test is usually not the end all be all when it comes to ADHD and to trust yourself and your history.

#actually adhd #actuallyadhd #adhd #adult adhd #adhd test #undiagnosed adhd

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bonkietarot · 6 months

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Hi im the same anon here, tysm for answering my question before, i appreciate ur response. I kinda wanted to ask something again too, if you dont mind that is. For the background, i looked up the mewing community and searched up almost all the posts and did the softest of the exercises which claim to make the appearance better, and after all that basically my mental health got to its lowest point and physically i got a bit worse too. I always kind of had a bit of doubt about it and its and the community posts on the topic are as confusing as it gets, and sort of cult-like which wasnt helping me either, unlike a lot of people who had the opposite experience and benefitted from this.

The problem is, everyday im paranoid. I learned a ton of limiting beliefs from there and its harder for me to shake it off because of the "scientifically droven" aspect. Before i even knew all this, i wasnt perhaps following all the guides and micro-management stuff accordingly but i felt and looked so much better. And right now, i'm supposed to think that the v shaped slim face subliminal that i was listening to feel more beautiful is now by logic, supposed to give me something bad like sleep apnea. Maybe tomorrow ill learn something new from there which makes me hopeless and paranoid of my current practices and beliefs, which will be harder to shake off because of how convincing it seems. Im the only one who knows how deep i went into all of this all for the sake of not being ignorant on the topic, and despite coming to the conclusion that everyone's just different i dont believe in it enough.

I'm sorry if this comes across as trauma dumping on you, but from your last response i figured you could have me have more faith in my beliefs instead. It all started with thinking that i should do mewing to protect my already beautiful face from sagging(?), but only after i realize that i dont feel good anymore. And i desperately want all these unhelpful beliefs to be limiting beliefs so that i can overcome them, and make my reality project my desired only, even by the means of illogical, or becoming better without necessarily changing any bad habits that arent really bad in my definition but just relaxing. You probably now get where the previous ask comes from.

Everytime im thinking about doing something new to improve im being held back by my "realistic limiting beliefs". I just want to revert back to when i was better without all this junk in my system. Im basically too scared of these unwanted thoughts and too scared of thinking they are just limiting.

If you suggest i look up a therapist instead, i would understand. But i would love to have your thoughts on what to do when the mind feels like an enevitable loop and if i actually missed something from your previous beautiful reply.

Hello! I understand when you mentioned the community is like a cult. The main reason why you might hear different things, because we all manifest differently yet the same because we all manifest with our mind. We assign meanings to things differently, we might set a placebo effect on things, subscribe to a belief, and so on therefore our mindset shapes our experiences. The law is limitless to the extent we give it. I was once in your shoes, in doubt.

However, always remember that it is whatever you accept as true. A lot of people doubt their power that their doubt is created because that is what they keep implying as true. When transitioning from a belief system, it can get triggering since when it is implemented your body will sense it as danger and try to protect you by your previous beliefs. The good thing about this process is that, you know your mindset has shifted once you are able to identify your limiting beliefs that were once seen as a reality. The main reason why these previous beliefs corrects you to do something because that what it has been taught, it doesn’t mean it is necessarily true though.

Something that help smooth this process is to

1) Adopt practices that are sustainable that are help regulate your nervous system. Sometimes you do wanna get out of your own way and move, clean, meditate, or something beneficial to your brain.

2) Lower down the consumption on what you consuming as in content related to what you are struggling with because no other coaches can tell you exactly and specifically how to manifest XY AND Z. You will always figure it out. In addition, since you are feeling triggered, it may cause more of a resistance regarding it. Please take well care of yourself and not put this desire on a pedestal.

3) Acknowledge that those unwanted thoughts are not true. They can get get however, overwhelming. This is SIMILIAR to point #1, but meditate those thoughts and you’ll slowly learn not to identify with those thoughts.

4) If you are really struggling, I really do suggest talking to somebody or seek appropriate professional help.

If you need to talk to somebody, you can always chat with me on my Instagram @msbonkahbitch.

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resurrectionist3 · 2 years

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So, tbh, I know not that many people interact with my account right now, and I’m cool with that. I’m cool with tumblr being the place where I just talk about whatever and maybe a few people will see it and respond to what I say. Better than wasting my energy somewhere else. This feels like a semipublic diary for me where I can just dump whatever I’m feeling atm and not be worried that my real life acquaintances are gonna ask me what’s up and try to be nosy, nor do I expect people to respond and then get upset and disappointed when they ignore me.

Im chill with sharing with several random strangers. That’s cool with me.

That being said, I’m remembering The Batman that came out earlier this year (2022) and I haven’t put much thought to it in a while until just now when I was watching a video about fan theories for the coming film(s) in this new more modernised version of Batman. And I have a few theories of my own that I low-key just wanna get out of my system and into the hands of people who might feel the same because I never get to talk about this stuff! :)

(this is gonna be a long post, so buckle up)

Potential Spoilers if you haven’t seen The Batman(2022)

I think Bruce should go to therapy, and I think it should be an important plot point, rather than just some comment in a passing conversation with Alfred or something. Bruce can then both learn to get over his crush/possible future obsession with Selena (catwoman) after she leaves at the end of the film, as well as work on his social skills. It might lead to him meeting a new love interest in a public setting and just generally coming out of his shell more and becoming the Bruce Wayne everyone is more used to. Maybe Bruce will even confesses to them that he's batman and it becomes a whole thing later on.

Harvey Dent HAS to be featured in the future. I even thought he would be introduced IN the first movie after the District Attorney was killed by Paul dano✨, (either we would meet him or he would be mentioned but not featured yet) I even whispered to my sister in the theatre that there's no way they ARENT setting up for harvey dent after that.

I WILL DIE IF SCARECROW IS NOT IN ONE OF THE COMING FILMS. I think he is SUCH AN AMAZING VILLAIN- and biases aside, I think he fits really well into the creepy, gritty, and complex universe that Matt Reeves is creating. Especially with his Fear Toxin/Fear Gas, we can have so many interesting scenes breaking down Bruce's mind and making him face his past in a film that may be about him trying to heal and change into a person he's more proud of (✨character development✨, we love to see it). Bonus points if bruce's therapist, mentioned earlier, is working for or is connected to scarecrow in some way.

I think Penguin will have a larger role in the coming film(s) than he did in the first, making him more of an actual villainous threat and less of an annoyance and obstical for batman to face when trying to reach the real threat. I just think he didn't reach his full villain potential in the first film and I think they could do soo much more with his character going forward. Maybe they did that on purpose and he really wont be much of a threat going forward, but the foreshadowing they did at the end of the movie (if you saw it, you know what I mean) was undeniable.

It's already been confirmed by Reeves that the joker does (unfortunately) exist in this version of batman. He's featured breifly in that one scene(again if you saw the film, you know what I’m referring to), and it was a secret at first who this character was but then it was later confirmed to be the joker. It's not that bad but we all know that audiences are immediately going to compare him to the previous jokers (Leto, Phoenix, and especially Ledger) and I'm afraid that'll take away from the film and it's story and plot (in the sense that audiences will be more focused on the joker than they will any other potential villains and the overall character development that bruce is having). It would have been refreshing to have a batman film trilogy without the joker as a character (personally I think the joker role is cursed for whoever dares try to portray the character but that's unrelated), but audiences would be ✨absolutely pissed to shit✨ if there was no joker/no mention of him. It would be hilarious if the cameo happened at the end of the first film and then nothing happened with it afterward, that would make me cackle. But maybe the joker won't even be in the second film. Maybe they'll save him for a third, or whenever some big final fight will be and I think that's a good plan.

And lastly, I might be ridiculous for this/I might be the only person who wants this, but I NEED the Arkham Asylum to be PROPERLY FEATURED in any upcoming films. Either it's visited during a scene and we get an IN-DEPTH and DETAILED VIEW of it and all the characters there, or the second or possible third film is all about it. I love the Arkham Asylum graphic novel, and I just wish we had more content about it outside of comics and the video games. It fits the creepy, gritty vibe, it's a cool place for a final fight/large threat to take place, and it'll introduce a lot of fan favourite characters and villains (a cameo from harleen quinzel, for example). It'll be a good place for that scarecrow content to happen, as well as open doors to other character features. **I'm also lowkey tired of Arkham just being mentioned and like one hallway and maybe a couple rooms are featured and that's it. I'm calling for justice for the arkham asylum because we deserve that sweet creepy content.

#the batman #robert pattinson #the batman 2022 #the riddler #paul dano #catwoman #zoe kravitz #dc batman #dc comics #dc #the joker #arkham asylum #fan theories #scarecrow

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multiplicity-positivity · 3 months

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Good morning! Any advice for alters who just. are not being included in the system?

I didn't know I was a system until very recently. I have massive missing memory patches. I know I was formed due to trauma, but I have absolutely no recollection of the trauma or of forming. I don't experience that feeling of alters in my head. I don't front for months, and then I'll suddenly be shoved to the front and get frontstuck.

Very recently, I found out from a friend (as in other alters made a friend) that I am a system in the first place.

I don't know what's going on. Did I do something wrong? Why doesn't my system talk to me?

Ah, hi… we are so sorry to hear you’ve been struggling lately. Learning that you’re part of a system is a major discovery, and as a trauma-formed system, you may find many aspects of your plurality that are frustrating or downright scary, especially at first.

Our best, most pressing advice to you would be to speak to a therapist about this. A good therapist can help you learn to work together with your system, access each other, and eventually process harmful, traumatic memories. Doing this sort of work on your own could be incredibly challenging, so trying to access therapy would likely benefit you a lot here.

We know that not everyone can access a good therapist, though. So here’s some of what we understand about dissociative disorders, which may help you.

In a complex dissociative disorder like DID, alters are kept separate from each other due to dissociative barriers. For us it feels like a soundproof, reinforced wall between some of us that can’t be broken or bypassed. These barriers protected us as a child from the painful, traumatic memories held by other alters. That coping mechanism of dissociating from certain memories and blocking them off which helped us survive as a child, lasted into our adulthood, even if we are in a safe place and don’t need to be blocked off from each other anymore.

We’ve been able to make progress lowering dissociative barriers and learning more about each other through therapy and lots of hard work and patience on our own. The rest of your system likely isn’t talking to you because they literally can’t - some of your members may not even know that you exist. You didn’t do anything wrong! This is the nature of disorders with dissociative barriers and amnesia.

Of course, we don’t know for sure if you have a complex dissociative disorder, and we’re not here to diagnose you. But you can learn more about these disorders in the CDD section of our resource post, which aims to serve as a jumping off point for systems interested in learning more.

In that post ^ we have also linked a previous post of ours on establishing contact with headmates, which might also be useful for you. It’s important to remember, though, not to rush yourself or put too much pressure on yourself or your system to learn more about each other initially. Discovering your system can be a very lengthy process, and it’s definitely not one that should be sped through without taking proper precautions.

We hope this helps, even if just a little bit! And again, therapy would probably benefit your whole system a lot here. Regardless, we’re wishing you the very best!

#trauma #traumagenic #dissociative disorder #complex dissociative disorder #long post

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