.

The ways in which being asexual feels isolating

I've been pondering whether to post this or not, but I figured out I wanted to explain a bit of this experience.

So, I could go on a very long tangent on how being asexual is usually a lonely experience, and how much I've been otherized here and there- Specially in real life. How the same people that claimed to be queer (or allies) had been much weirder about my asexuality than they were about me being bi/pan or whatever.

But I think I wanna talk about how something like that bleeds in every aspect of socializing, even down to something like fandom. I stay away from fandom usually- I like to look at cool fanart and that's about it. I hate discourse, I hate drama, I hate reading people getting worked up because they're treating fanon as canon. But there's one thing I've noticed, over and over, that just sends me off my rails.

And it's how fandom tends to treat asexuality (or aromanticism). So, you get a character in some piece of media that explicitly, unequivocally, states they're either ace, aro, or both. "I do not have interest in a partner", "I don't desire to have sex nor do I enjoy the topic", whatever. And as an ace person, I do appreciate being able to see myself in media- There isn't many chases where something is established that bluntly.

Now, you decide you want to check some fanart for that. Fandoms have this tendency to make absolutely everything about shipping, even when the media they're basing it in does not revolve about that (and it's annoying, because a lot of times people aren't interested in the actual themes- It's all reduced to shipping). Suddenly, you notice people treating the aforementioned character as anything but aro or ace. It's all about shipping. "This person interacted with this other person in a way two friends would, but we gotta make this their entire personality now". Some people may instead go for "well, maybe the character is not having sex, but they're probably an absolute freak about it, studies it extensively, has encyclopedic knowledge about it-"

Now, there's of course sex-favourable aces, and that's completely valid, but it's already straying from what, canonically, the character had mentioned. Asexual or aromantic characters aren't really allowed to exist as themselves. People often see them as a blank slate to fill, to change, to fix. I could talk forever about how people react to real life aces like that. I've had people asking me incredibly invasive questions because they saw my lack of sexual attraction as something broken, something they could fix.

And I hate that! I think I'm allowed to say that I hate that! It's hard and unusual for media to cement an aro/ace character, because they're defined by the lack of interest for something, which is often hard to show. But when it does- No one seems to care. It's all shipping, it's all "well, he's gay in denial", "well, she's probably super repressed". If you took a canonically gay character and made them straight on a fanfic, you'd get angry people. Which is bound to happen when you erase representation that people identify with. But aro/ace characters are NOT even seen as queer, they're not even seen as "representation" by most people. You can erase that bit of it, put some god awful shipping on top, and people will applaud you. And it sucks!

I wish people would see being aro or ace as an identity worth respecting, not an identity that needs overwriting. It feels a bit too close to how people often treat aro/aces irl, and it sucks. It reeks of this sort of exclusionism, where "aro/aces are technically queer but it's queer lite at best, it's less interesting than being gay, and we kinda don't want them near us anyhow". Again, I've had far worse experiences about being ace than I have about not being straight.

Sorry if the post got long, but I hope this experience may at least resonate with other people who have been struggling with this, too. It has always felt just kind of lonely to be ace, and see how little people do even consider it an identity, even when it comes down to something like fandom.

So here's my live reading of "Lord of Excess"!

May contain Spoilers!

I'm only a quarter of the way through the book, which is because (apart from the fact that I only downloaded it this morning) the weather is sunny and warm for the first time this spring, so I've tended to be out and about so far. And being out and about led me to the Warhammer store, where I not only bought some colours for the Beastmen and had a little chat, but also got the miniature of the month (a very nice Terminator) and put it together. And during a little hike I thought about whether I should make him a Salamander, Word Bearer or Emperor's Children.

But I digress. A quarter of Lord of Excess. And so far the verdict is: holy shit, we finally have an author again! This is not a drill! There's a new Emperor's Children writer who understands their mindset, background and motivation!

Yes, Rich McCormick still has to find his way into some things and perhaps take a less narrow view of others - but in principle he's well on the way to growing into Josh Reynolds' huge shoes. (that sounds like Reynolds is a Harlequin. Clown shoes! Honk!)

This makes me very, very happy.

Quick summary of highlights (besides the quotes I've already posted):

McCormick lets Fabius be himself. I want to kiss his eyes for that. (No, Fabius has no appearance - but he's mentioned and speaks through his actions)

He understands that Emperor's Children are not just insane junkies, but gives them different obsessions with perfection (a logistician!).

He incorporates their history and gives space to the wounding they collectively suffered with the destruction of Harmony.

He's able to capture their incredible arrogance and narcissism without ridiculing them (Watch and learn, McNeill!).

He creates personalities that aren't all defined solely by their gene-seed.

The list will certainly be expanded.

But of course it's not all sunshine and roses. I find it difficult to accept certain things when I'm told them but then very consistently not shown them.

If Xantine and Vavisk are such incredibly close friends, I want to see that in their interactions too.

Why do the Adored follow Xantine? So far, it's not clear to me. Too much telling, too little showing. I mean, isn't it funny that Fabius, the man whose picture is next to "Caustic Bitch" in the dictionary, can apparently build and maintain healthier and more stable friendships than a charismatic warband leader with a Slaaneshi demon in his pocket?!

But that's just a minor annoying aspect so far - albeit one that makes it hard for me to like Xantine as a protagonist. Please don't get me wrong - I don't need a main character to be a classic lawful-good Hollywood hero to like him! I adore the characters with flaws, with bad habits and the ones who fight tooth and nail against being heroes. But at least a basic sympathy that makes me care why the protagonists are in trouble and makes me eager to see how they resolve the situation - that would be nice!

In any case, so far: I want to know more! The book is fun! So much!

(Okay, the usual Black Library mantra "There have to be little people in it, not just Astartes!" is getting on my nerves, as it does every time. But, hey, it'll be fine!)

One last thing: Lucius and Fabius pointing and laughing at Xantine, because Clarion/The Composer and Wolver/Key are so much cooler than a stinking heap!

I'm choosing violence: least favorite popular Terror fanon?

Apologies for the delay, mate - I wanted to think a bit longer about how violently to reply to this one, only for it to get lost temporarily in my drafts!

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One of my least favourite aspects of Terror fanon is something that's quite broad and common to many fandoms, and that's the rampant flanderisation of characters and relationships, and the overemphasis on shipping and sex.

Like, if that's your thing then more power to you but it's never been mine, and I can't help but feel that you miss out on so much nuance and intrigue and enjoyment when you only consider things in those narrow terms.

I hope @laststandx3 doesn't mind me including their excellent tags from my Hickey/Tozer Face-Cupping Incident post here because they really do sum up my own feelings on the matter, and I've been thinking about them for days:

#I love that dk is like we can have such interesting complicated relationships with characters that don't always have to be flattened in #A sexual relationship and the fandom response was 'let them fuck' #Same with jopson crozier. Like i get the ships need i get it. But once in a while can we like entertain the idea that not everything #Needs to be a sexual relationship every single time #Like hickeytozer is much more interesting like this (they've barely touched before but committed treason together anyway) than just having #Them be lovers right away or even during the mutiny #It flattens them #You guys are finding those relationships SO interesting exactly bc they aren't as easily defined as romantic/sexual

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(Also, just as a side note, I do sort of regret not including a longer quote from the Q&As in that post that would make it clearer that Nagaitis and Walmsley - presumably mates in some capacity having worked together multiple times before - BOTH discussed the idea of the face-touch, and BOTH came to Dave K with it.) #JusticeForDwalms

oh, would you tell us a little more about that repressed transfem dean headcanon and how you think it would play out?

i've been thinking about how to respond to this. ultimately, i think not much needs to change just the way certain aspects of his character are interpreted. it's not my default headcanon, but there is a strong basis for it.

as much as dean reads as both bisexual and definitely some kind of not cis, i don't think he particularly cares about labels or being "out".

dean's character is always defined by a certain fluidity. 6 episodes in he's not only directly paralleled to the shapeshifter but the shapeshifter assumes dean's shape and gives voice to dean's thoughts without permission. and we get the glorious body horror and eroticism of the scene where the shapeshifter strips dean's skin off as (i just wanna be) mary by the death riders plays in the netflix version. dean has no fixed shape.

right from the pilot it's clear he goes through life performing, mirroring, playing into expectations good and bad, clinging to a semblance of agency at every turn. dean winchester might as well be a bigger than life character dean has constructed to survive. now does that mean every aspect of that performance is a lie? no, not really. however his masculinity does conceal and protect many of the more vulnerable facets of his personality until they too are useful. he doesn't so much kill or repress his femininity but it too can only be expressed when it's in service to something else. he can't just exist and want these things. and it's a source of shame that he wants them.

not only is he (at least) subconsciously treated as daughter, wife and mother, there is plenty of evidence he doesn't perceive himself as entirely male. to get more specific, it'd be one thing if he wore lingerie to please someone else, but to admit that he liked it, that he personally enjoyed it even with the ways feminization has been used against him? that it's more than kink? that is terrifying.

so i do think sex is the best way to get him to explore this aspect of his identity at an early stage. putting it into words is much harder than going there physically with the promise of orgasms. i'm pretty obsessed with the idea of sam suspecting these things about dean and trying to make him feel more comfortable about it. there is no way he wouldn't feel honored to be trusted with this and protective/possessive at the thought of dean seeking it anywhere else. even as they continue to explore this, i don't think dean would require a change of pronouns, or start going by deanna. but he would feel so warm and right inside whenever sam called him his girl. something inside him would heal the more this vocabulary was used outside the bedroom. it would take a lot of work and there are plenty of ways this could backfire but i believe in them. i'm a sap, whatever.

Here we go again talking about "Mine" and explaining my absence. For the past month or two I've been questioning myself if I want to put Mine on a hiatus(Which I didn't feel was surprising considering that I've vented about the game so much on this blog, I'm sorry for that). I wouldn't be getting rid of it and I would be heading back to it eventually, but I just needed to step away and really think about what I wanted to do. At this point in time I'm still questioning what I want to do. Long story short Mine won't be getting released any time soon and it needs a lot of work to be done on it, in every way.

I think my biggest issue was rushing into this project. I was so SO excited to just get my story out and talk about my characters and ideas, but I had almost nothing set in stone or planned out. Some of my favorite story aspects I created after I made this blog, granted it wasn't a obvious change since it had to do with spoilers, and story aspect kind of just fit together to make a bigger plot twist. I still love what I've created thus far, but it needs so much work, and it feels weird and off to have changes just happen with the characters and story.

I was getting bored of certain characters and the art style. I won't be getting rid of any characters because even the ones who don't seem that important to the overall plot are still important, but I'll be changing/upgrading character designs. And especially changing the art style. I was really disliking my style for Mine and even more so after the Halloween drawing. I did practice around a bit and I found a style I like, but it's still not set in stone.

This is kind of what I was thinking. The eyes have a more defined shape, the nose is different, the hair is more detailed. I've also been wanted to mess around with coloring and shading. And once again this style is not set in stone, but this is what I'm leaning towards as of now. I want the game to have an anime style for reasons, but I did also try a style that's more mine I guess? Like I drew Yani in the style I draw in the most, the style that's most consistent to me. I mainly did this because one my bestfriends has been helping me sort out my own feelings and she said to at least try a more cartoon style even if the anime style is what I'm aiming for in the end.

I obviously I do like the style, but it's just not what I'm going for, so I was going to try drawing different eyes styles and then I would build a face to match that.

I did like these, but it didn't inspire me and I didn't want these for Mine. So this is what I've been working on for now, I'm trying t build my interest in this story again. I know I've talked about it before, but Yani and Jun's designs are the ones I'm most proud about(maybe Aki as well, if I change anything it wouldn't be too extreme), but the other characters will be getting an upgrade, in design, story, and personality.

Minato in particular. I feel so bad because as much as I like Minato, he feels so plain to me. Like I don't have fun writing him or drawing him. There are things I do really enjoy about him, like his hair style, and his yellow eyes. But I'm bored with pretty much everything else about him, and that's not a good sign, he's the first route, the first character to be released. he needs something to draw in the player, but I don't feel like he has that. I don't know where to really go with him though. I think the fact that he's the least yandere is charming and important, like to lure the player into a false sense of security, almost as if they were just playing a normal visual novel/dating sim with routes, and then the creepy stuff starts mainly happening with the other routes, but obviously I need something to make his route exciting.

In the meantime asks will most likely not be answered until I've figured the characters out more. When I figure out the characters as well, I want to go back and slowly work on updating previous asks to fit the new personality and stories. I'll probably make a poll on how to go about that just in case people want the old answered asks or something. Maybe I could just do something like-

Old: bhjdhsvjagjhasgd

New: VHJDhfdjgshdf

I don't know as of now. I also want to go back and update my 100 followers event drawings, and obviously finish that. Which by the way I am so sorry to everyone who sent in requests, for that event and just in general. Me struggling with Mine's art style has been a thing, even with the refs, there were some refs that I just hated how they turned out(cough cough Hoshi). I also have been practicing with more cartoon(?) styles, so working on a game with an anime style reminds me of my past styles, which I hated because I got those feeling of hating my style or falling behind my peers who were finding their style. I'm a lot better with it now, but I felt like I was falling back into old habits/styles, and it was upsetting.

While I was planning my hiatus, I kept thinking about some of my other game ideas because if I was going to go on hiatus I would focus on another one of my games with a more simple style(Since I wondered if complexity of the style was also an issue for my lack of motivation with Mine), and I do like my other games and ideas and characters, but none of hem were appealing to me like how Mine did. I went into Mine so excited and ready to talk and share my characters, but with my other stories I was just feeling more unmotivated with them, other then "The Magi Academy" which makes sense since that is my comfort story but also I'm gonna work on this in the background since the game is huge.

Another thing I thought about doing while on hiatus was making a test game, where I get used to making games, where I practice. Cause Mine is my first game, but I'm not sure I want it to actually be my first game, but I have no interest in my other games as of now so this game would be simple, a little test to get used to everything that comes with making a game. I'll probably work on this while I'm working on the art style for Mine and the character designs. It will have multiple routes and characters. I wouldn't really call it a dating sim, there will be romance elements but I think more then anything it will be a little "get to know my oc's" type story. Maybe I'll talk about it more if anyone if interested. Although when I make games in the future I'll either make the blogs later, when the game is almost finished or if finished, or at least claim the name and work on them later.

I'd say that Mine is going on a hiatus, at least with this blog, but I will be working on it! Mine won't be getting released soon and when I made this blog I didn't expect Mine to come out this year. Another thing I want to end up doing is dev logs, maybe weekly or monthly, it won't happen soon, but eventually I want to do dev logs. As of now though, I have a lot to think about with the characters and the story/stories. I'll probably work on character personalities and stories before their actual design so I can get back to writing asks, and then I'll be redoing refs and any bigger drawings I've done so far. I also want to have a schedule for answering asks, so I'll probably spend the weekends answering asks and then the weekdays I'll be working on the game, but this is for the future. My ask box and messages will be open though if anyone has any questions :3 I hope that this will help me regain the passion and excitement that I hold for this story, have a great day/night, and thank you for you continued support🩵

hi! i know that i'm fated to read your every work despite not knowing the media half the time. this time i would like to finally be one step ahead. so uhh. where do i read orv? do i go for the webtoon or the novel? to clarify, i did try to search, but got confused by reddit. also i am going to watch trigun. i've been eyeing animorphs too but the 54 (?) books are making me go hmm. thank you for existing you're pretty great. you're like the spiderman of writing but instead you got asbestos rat'd.

THIS ASK IS INSANE. WE'RE REFERENCING MY LORE NOW?

But thank you, you're insane. People ask why I have stupid high standards for the fics i post on AO3 and it is because there are people like you who will just read whatever regardless of whether or not it's good. I have a responsibility.

This ask also made me wonder if I have good taste. Because every time somebody says this my first reaction is "oh god and the source materials aren't even good". I read a lot of trashy stuff (but, like, define trashy), and I consume too many bad things to be able to say I have discerning taste. If I enjoy something I almost never call it bad, because things were made to be enjoyed and I enjoyed them then they had value in at least one aspect. If you were to ask me if my favorite TV show of all time the Incredible Hulk 1974 was actually, unironically, good, then I'd break into a cold sweat. Is somebody bad because it's camp? Is something bad only if it's unintentional camp?

Regardless, I never write fic for something that isn't only like 80% good - there's a sweet spot of 'good enough for me to obsess over' and 'bad enough that I'm rewriting it in my head'. It's rare I write for anything I find completely good. Which is why I feel bad when people say that they're reading this thing I'm writing fic for jalksdf there's better things out there I SWEAR.

ORV is in the sweet spot of "this isn't high literature" and "this has given me brain worms". Definitely for sure start with the webtoon - the webnovel is clunkily translated, you don't read it for the writing at all, and it is also a literal million words. Don't read the webnovel unless you're like "I'm going insane and I need more of this". It starts off kind of slow ("This is a well executed very banal isekai") and you're like a frog in the pot of it slowly going more insane until you're a ways in and you are in a tangle of ridiculously complicated gambits and convoluted storytelling. There is literally no other way to describe it than the Homestuck of webnovels. If you're completely unfamiliar with isekai that's fine, but as a warning - ORV being your first webtoon/webnovel isekai is like your first shoujo manga being Ouran High Schol Host Club, or your first magical girl show being Madoka, or your first mecha anime to be Neon Genesis Evangelion. It's one of the best works in its genre but it's supposed to be viewed in context of the genre. Or maybe it's more like if Homura starred in Evangelion, which was Ouran. I'm just saying words.

Animorphs is kind of like Mother 3 in which everybody who has ever read/played it said that it changed them as a person, it changed their relationship with media and storytelling forever, if you read/play it you will be born again from the world's egg, etc. Works that genuinely become part of your personality. I also never recommend it to people because it is incredibly hit or miss. I remember using a spreadsheet of just "what books are skippable or not" because some of them are incredibly weird and some of them are incredibly weird in the bad way. The only Animorphs fic I've ever written is from 2019 so it's also not that great. Each book only takes an hour to read and the pdfs are free online, so it's incredibly accessible in terms of the reading experience, but it's kinda the Animorphs gestalt that changes you forever and not the individual books. I try not to recommend stuff that's like 25% bad.

Watch Trigun if you like what Trigun is - it's not going to deliver on something it's not. Also watch 98 first. Watch Stampede/read Trimax if you want more Trigun. The Trigun fic is based off Stampede but refer to my "I only write fic for smth that's 80% good and not 100% good" statement.

Also I think being bit by an asbestos rat just means that I probably have mold and drywall in my lungs, which would explain a lot about this blog. Thanks for the ask I love it.

An effortpost about the Suslin Hypothesis: Intermission, the Ordinal connection

Last time I gave a brief outline on the Suslin Hypothesis and mentioned Aronszajn lines, which I'm studying for my thesis. I was going to make a post about them, but I realized it would be necessary to give at least a brief description of ordinals to understand them, so here it is.

A set x is called an ordinal (we usually use greek letters for them but I don't think tumblr supports Latex) if it is transitive and well ordered by the membership relation ∈.

∈ being well ordered means that ∈ induces a total ordering where every non empty subset has a least element, and a set a is called transitive if every element of a is also a subset of a.

This last part makes more sense with examples, since in my experience transitive sets don't show up much outside of pure set theory. So the empty set is vacuously an ordinal, which we call 0 and in general if x is an ordinal, then the set xU{x} is also an ordinal, called the successor of x or x+1.

So 0, 1 = {0}, 2 = {0,{0}}, 3 = {0,{0},{0,{0}}}, ... are all examples of ordinals (the proof is tedious but straightforward), in particular they are examples of transitive sets.

These are all finite ordinals and to actually prove there is an infinite one we need the Axiom of Infinity from the ZF axioms, which has many equivalent formulations but essentially says there is at least one infinite set, where infinite is defined as non finite.

The finite ordinals are also called natural numbers (yes we call 0 a natural number) and the set of all natural numbers is denoted with a lowercase omega.

Now, the key aspect of the ordinal numbers is they codify all well orderings, that is: if (X,<) is a well ordering then there is exactly one ordinal order isomorhic to X, and there is exactly one order isomorphism between the two, which we denote as type.

With that (non trivial) result we can define ordinal addition and ordinal product: given x and y ordinals, we define x+y as the order type of {(a,0): a∈x}U{(a,1): a∈y}, ordered lexicographically; and we define x*y as the order type of {(a,b): b∈y,a∈x}, also ordered lexicographically (note how neither of these operations is commutative). A corollary of this definition is that for any ordinal x, we have that x+1 = Succ(x)

A result of note: the class of ordinals is well ordered by ∈, this fact is used to prove there can be no set that contains all ordinals.

Another non trivial but fun collection of theorems are the following: if there is a first order property P (in the language of set theory) that holds for at least one ordinal, then there is a first ordinal with that property.

This streamlines a bunch of proofs but in particular serves to define the cardinality of sets with a well ordering. So if there is a well ordering on X we define |X| as the first ordinal for which there is a bijection from it to X. We also say an ordinal x is a cardinal if there is no bijection from any of its elements onto x, it can be shown that |X| is indeed always a cardinal.

Really the only thing needed from this to understand Aronszajn lines is the fact that every well ordering is characterized by which ordinal it's isomorphic to.

Finally, I'd like to define aleph numbers (which are pretty neat), to that end I'll mention that any given ordinal is either 0, the succesor of some ordinal or neither of the previous (a.k.a limit ordinals); so 1, 2, 3 and omega+1 are examples of successor ordinals, on the other hand omega is a limit ordinal, and so is omega+omega.

Using the Power Set Axiom (you actually can't prove there even is an uncountable set without it) and some other fun theorems you can prove that for any cardinal number there is always a bigger one, now we can actually recursively define the famous aleph function:

aleph_0 = omega

aleph_(x+1) = the first cardinal bigger than aleph_x

if x is a limit ordinal: aleph_x = the union of all aleph_y with y∈x

I swear this would look better in Latex :(

don't judge me please 😭🫶 but could you write some headcanons for sekke and a fem s/o (or gender neutral if you prefer)? or a sfw alphabet?

No worries anon! I really hope this is to your liking. Sorry if it’s out of character 🫶🙂‍↕️ I had to rewatch some scenes with him in them to make sure I was at least somewhat understanding his character, and I must say, he’s actually pretty cute. <3

WARNINGS: SFW + FEMALE READER + HEADCANONS

PAIRING: Sekke Bronzazza x reader

╰┈➤ ❝ Fuhha! You're the brightest gem in my treasure trove of affection! ❞

Sekke, being the boisterous and conceited person that he is, would constantly shower you with compliments and exaggerated tales of his accomplishments. He would go to great lengths to impress you, hoping for a few words of praise from you. Sure, he’s a charming man used to receiving compliments, but still, praise from you would mean a lot to him—it’d stroke his ego like crazy.

Unfortunately, I don’t see him shedding his flirtatious ways while he’s with you. If it becomes too much and you decide to address it, he starts feeling guilty. It seems ingrained in him; it’s like it runs in his blood. If it helps, his flirting is more about enjoying the blushes and compliments; he just wants the validation. His flirtatious remarks towards other women are never genuine—it's you who truly have his heart.

But despite his flirtatious nature, Sekke would be fiercely loyal to you. He may enjoy flirting with other women, but his heart forever belongs to you. He would see himself as the ultimate charmer and would constantly use his seductive moves and speeches to win you over, believing that he is the epitome of romanticism.

Sekke's ego will often get in the way of your relationship. He will always try to one-up you and prove that he is better in every aspect, from mundane activities to more serious matters. It’s not that he wants to prove he’s better than you; he just wants to impress you rrreeeaaalll bad. In short, Sekke would always strive to be the center of attention and the best in your eyes.

Sekke will defend you as if his entire past and future bloodline depends on it. If he witnesses someone picking on you, he'll step in without hesitation, possibly even resorting to bullying the offender. Unlike his usual charming demeanor when defending other women, he'll be genuinely furious. Because to him, you're not just any woman, you're his girlfriend—the one who’s got him completely head over heels. So, expect Sekke to clap back without hesitation.

Sekke's constant exclamation of “Fuhha!” in every situation could easily become a defining phrase in your relationship. It might sound amusing, but he says it so frequently that you might find yourself adopting it as a catchphrase too. And if you do, he'd be over the moon! It's like you're picking up his habits, and he couldn't be any more flattered and happier about it.

Sekke's conceited nature would never fade away, even in a relationship. He would always think highly of himself and constantly remind you of his supposed greatness. His ego might be a source of amusement for you, and you would have to navigate through his constant boasting and self-aggrandizement. However, you would also come to realize that underneath his inflated ego lies a deep-seated insecurity.

I think that his constant need to prove himself and his fear of being seen as weak would often manifest as defensive behavior and exaggerated tales of his own prowess. As his partner, you’d play a crucial role in helping him overcome his insecurities and see his true value beyond his outward bravado. Sometimes you may get fed up with him because of his defensive behavior, but please have patience with him. Even if he doesn’t say it outwardly, it’d mean a lot to him if you stuck with him and comforted him when his insecurities kicked in.

Despite his flaws, Sekke would have a tender and caring side. He may not always express it openly, but he will go out of his way to make you feel special and loved. He would plan extravagant dates and surprise you with thoughtful gestures, all in an attempt to prove his worth and devotion. And yes, the dates would be very dramatic and maybe overly romantic and cheesy, but you love him anyway because he’s Sekke.

Sekke is anything and everything but subtle when it comes to expressing his love for you. Be prepared for public declarations of affection, whether he's shouting his love from a rooftop or crafting a beautiful bronze statue of you with his Bronze Magic and showing it off to everyone. Though his way of expressing his love for you can often be over the top, you understand it's all part of his endearing personality. And you love it.

He would also sometimes use his Bronze Magic to create a bronze that’s literally himself and give it to you with a smug smile on his face—like he’s just done you a huge favor—and then say something like, “Keep it close, so that whenever your eyes meet its radiant form, you shall be reminded of my undying devotion and presence in your life!”

Even with his occasional cowardly tendencies, Sekke would develop a protective streak toward you. He may not be the strongest Magic Knight, but he will go to great lengths to ensure your safety and well-being. Trust me when I say that Sekke learns to be brave when it truly matters. You see a side of him that's willing to face danger head-on to protect you, proving that beneath the bravado, there's a heart of gold.

Overall, being in a relationship with Sekke would definitely require patience and understanding. But trust, he’s an absolute sweetheart at heart and will do anything to prove his immense love for you. <3

I don't know

I've been thinking about success a lot lately, especially in regards to writing.

I love writing. I would do it trapped in a vacuum utterly alone because I can't not write. I've always created stories, even when I was very, very little, before I knew how to put words on a page, and I suspect I'll keep creating stories every day for the rest of my life.

The thing is--there's this "noble pursuit" ideology with crafts like painting, writing, and even something like teaching. "You do it because you love to do it." And I get that. I truly do--like I said, I'd write in a vacuum if I had to.

But because it falls into the noble pursuit category, there's this idea that you write for yourself and nobody else and "success" (either financially or via attention, or awards, or whatever) is irrelevant. And I honestly think that's kind of unfair.

I'm very lucky that I've written fanfiction that's garnered a decent amount of interaction and even some monetary benefit; I've been on Patreon for like four years at this point. And I'm really grateful that I have that space, because it's allowed me to feel less alone in what is typically a lonesome passion.

But what about success outside of fan spaces? What if I want to write original works and feel "successful" with those? What does success even look like in real, tangible terms for me?

It's not very easy to define. I want to be able to write every day if I choose and know, as I write, that I'm not wasting my time. That is, that I'm writing towards a bigger goal of completing a project and then sharing it with other people. That's not very noble, is it?

And how many other people reading my story qualifies the book as a success, exactly? A hundred? A thousand? One? Maybe just one, and that one has to really, really love it. One big fan that asks questions and makes fanart and writes fanfic (that I don't get to read, but I know it's there, and I love it).

The other thing with "success" in writing is that I live in the United States and capital rules every aspect of my life; lord and king is the dollar. So, yeah, maybe I'd be happy if one person read (and loved) my book, but only if that one person paid me a year's salary. And what's a year's salary? Well, I'm single, and I live in a high cost-of-living city (Austin, Texas, baby; don't let anyone lie to you and say Texas real estate is "affordable" because it ain't), and I'm in my mid-thirties, so I need to think seriously about healthcare in the coming decades.

I could live on a book salary of $100,000 a year, probably, but healthcare, emergencies, rent, and my fat glowering student loan would dwindle that down very fast, and I promise that I wouldn't be living rich.

Is living "rich" part of success for me? A yearly vacation and a nice home would push far beyond $100,000. We'd have to double the payment, then. $200,000 a year. And how many writers earn $200,000+ per year in the United States? According to Zulie Writes, traditionally-published best-selling authors make at least $140,000 per year, while self-published best-selling authors make over $250,000 per year.

So, based on a quick search--it's less than 1%. Less than 1% of authors make over $200,000. I did some quick math--that's about 500 authors.

(Now, that's not how many authors make a living on books--mind you, a lot of writers are not single. Two person households where one holds a "traditional" job with healthcare benefits and a steady paycheck means an author could be making less than $50,000 per year total and still live comfortably.)

I'm veering a little off topic. So, success for me is a formula like:

Success = comfortable writing routine + at least one reader who likes what I've done + $200,000 per year

The funny thing is--a good chunk of that formula is done. I write comfortably around my day job, because my day job is flexible, and I'm super grateful for that. And I've got many readers, actually, even for my original stuff. But I'm very far away from the $200,000.

Do I feel close to success, having two of the three pieces in place?

Not really. Maybe a little? I don't know.

How can I get closer to that feeling?

I also...don't know. Is traditional publishing the answer? Is self-publishing? Is publishing at all worth it? Maybe I should make $200,000 by changing careers and going into tech or something and keep my writing completely separate from my bank account.

And, an even bigger question: does caring about that formula take away from the noble pursuit part of my passion? If I never achieve "success"--does it matter? It's art. (It's men kissing, but it's also art.)

How many times have I written "I don't know" in this essay so far? Maybe that's what it should be called. Because I don't. (Know, that is.)

It's an odd feeling knowing what you want to do, having known what you wanted to do for your whole life, and not feeling capable of it. I have a direction. I've always had a direction. It's just that I've got a shackle on my foot and a fiery moat in front of me, sort of, and where I'm standing right now is fine, so everyone wonders why I'm even trying to walk that way.

Just stay put and be happy, because happiness isn't part of the formula for success. Is it?

So, I'm finally ready to talk about Lightfall. I've been really holding off on this, because I didn't want to post my fresh-off-the-campaign hot take, I needed it to simmer and thicken up a bit. I know it's been months since release, but heavy Lightfall spoilers ahead.

Let me talk about what works for me: the vibe is exceptional. A pretty modern take on the 80's action movie, just like Bungie themselves stated they intended. The campaign runs at a breakneck pace, only slowing down for a few moments here and there. Rohan and Nimbus have a perfect master-student trope dynamic. Calus is an entertaining villain, his hypocritical subservience making him an interesting lieutenant to the Witness. Honestly, Calus really got Starscream-ed in this expansion. Strand came out just the right amount of hot, nothing too crazy, except suspend maybe, but at least that hasn't broken pvp in the way Stasis did. And last up, the raid? A visual feast, with better narrative integration than Vow of the Disciple making it a real treat. I know it has taken some flak for being "easy," but honestly not every raid needs to be incredibly mechanically dense and absolutely full of high difficulty enemies. There really is plenty to like in the expansion, but narratively it kinda creates more questions than it answers, and not in a good way.

Let me start with the beginning and end of the campaign. There's tons of speculation about this campaign kinda being filler, and the cutscenes of the Witness definitely feel the most evidential of that. In what feels like a single scene split down the middle, the Witness reaches the Traveler, attempts to cut(?) into it, and has a revelation on where the Veil is. After the campaign, in which the Witness apparently manipulates the Guardian into getting their Ghost close enough to create a link between the Veil and the Traveler, the Witness creates some sort of portal or doorway just above the Travelers surface and kills(?) it, and then the Witness and part of the Black Fleet just kinda go into the portal and leave. The story frames this as a defeat, but that doesn't exactly land emotionally. It feels like this was meant to be an "Empire Strikes Back" moment, but delivered the defeat at the Witness' hands just after we were victorious over Calus. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see the shape of intent here, this possibly being meant as a rug-pull, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. This would have been more impactful if the status quo was actually fundamentally changed. In reality though, what did change as a result of this event? The Traveler is "dead" (again), but we still have the Light. The Witness "won," but is not present in the world (again). The Veil was revealed to exist, but we don't actually know what it really is (yet, admittedly, but that's the crux of its problem). The Light was defined as the realm of the physical and the Darkness defined as the realm of consciousness. At best this is redefinition, but we've known that the Light and Dark were amoral fundamental forces since Beyond Light. Neomuna exists in the narrative now, but its influence is entirely contained to the Lightfall campaign. Really everything is still kinda the same, just with some looming sense of "now we need to find and stop the Witness." Even that is the same motivator that we were left with at the end of Witch Queen. To be totally honest, this is a little less than compelling as a motivator, especially the second time around. I'm not saying that a story needs to fundamentally change aspects of the game, but ultimately Lightfall feels like treading water when it had the opportunity to blow players away with our first contact with the Witness. To reiterate from earlier, at the end of Lightfall, the Witness is just gone again. I'm not entirely sure if Bungie intends for the Witness to be a ghost in the narrative or not. One would think not given that they put a name and face to its existence, but to introduce it and immediately remove it gives the sense that it should be less directly visible. In either case, it feels rather on the fence, preventing it from really giving weight to either side. A lot of the Witness' on screen action serves more as a jumping off point for introducing the Veil above all else. That's all well and good, except...

What the heck even is the Veil? To keep with my usual "Bungie tells a story with their names" rhetoric, it's very easy to point to the Veil as just that, a separation between the Light and the Darkness, the physical and the psychic, etc. We know that the Veil "feels like the Traveler" and that it can be linked through Light energy (the Radial Mast, the Ghost) to the Traveler. We know that Neomuna's Cloud Ark runs off of it in some way, connecting it to the "psychic web" vibe of Strand and the Darkness. Lastly, we know that the Vex attempted to create their own version of the Veil, which would become the Black Heart from Destiny 1. (I should make a note here, Season of the Deep is currently happening and providing additional info on the Veil, but I'm just talking about what was in the main Lightfall campaign.) So what's the deal, did Bungie really just make a McGuffin for the Lightfall campaign and call it a day? In the context of Lightfall alone, yes. The Veil serves no purpose beyond "it makes Strand easy to see" and "the Witness cannot be allowed to use it." Okay, so am I saying that having a McGuffin is a bad thing? Well, maybe. The framing presented by Osiris for our desperate fight to protect the Veil is too simple. "The Witness wants it, so stop Calus from getting it" is thin, even by McGuffin standards. What are we as players really to do with that motivation? Especially once the resolution becomes "well, the Witness succeeded but is now gone and we still have our powers." As a whole, Lightfall lacked impact, at nearly every level.

Okay, I don't want to leave off on that kind of negative note though, I still enjoyed a lot of Lightfall. One of my favorite parts was Calus. Every part of his presentation was incredible. Ever the sycophant, Calus' ostentatious presentation of himself is an effort to impose what he believes he should be on reality, when in truth, he was given that form by a higher power. Calus sought to become the voice in the Darkness, that which remained at the end of the universe, only to find an insurmountable being there instead. Fighting the Guardian at the end of the campaign offers an interestingly poetic end. Finishing his first phase tears off his helmet and switches his weapon to more traditional Cabal gladiatorial fare. For what might have possibly been the first time in his life, Calus fought with his own power. No army, no cosmic power, just himself. The way Caiatl put it, "You gave him a Cabal's end?" underscores this perfectly. What a way to end his story.

Coenen Onnen

It’s long past dusk, but the market never truly stops. Only changes faces - vendors, stalls, patrons - like a mummer in a masked show. The stranger who stalks through its crowded thoroughfare is entirely unfamiliar with its many guises: so, though he strides like a predator, he looks over his shoulder like prey. In the hidden nook to which he is heading - though, pertinently, cannot yet see - wait two figures. One is the owner, short and middling in age, surrounded by the accoutrements of high war. We might assume he is a master armourer and weaponsmith. The other is in shadow.

Chapter two! This episode probably gets the top spot for 'least changed from canon'. The original episode is just so good: the beginning of a rapport between Merlin and Arthur, growing to trust; first showing of the worth of commoners vs nobility in Camelot; Gwen! Gwen! Gwen!

So what changes are there? Well, for starters.

Why does Arthur have literally no other servants?

ARTHUR My chambers are a complete mess. My clothes need washing. My, uh, armour needs repairing. My boots need cleaning. My dogs need exercising. My fireplace needs sweeping. My bed needs changing. And someone needs to muck out my stables…

Like, arguably none of this should be Merlin's job. The world of BBC Merlin exists in a quasi-historical fantasy medieval setting, sure, so we have wriggle room, but even in the earliest and lowliest of post-antiquity royal households, most of these are done by different people. Merlin, as a personal manservant, might organise them, and get different servants to do them, but he largely won't be doing them himself.

A castle would have a laundry, where they'd probably also do repairs, and may have the bootboys too. They'd have a dedicated stable staff, farriers and stablehands and horse breeders and so on - depending on the household, they'd have a Marshal or it's equivalent to oversee all that. The knights would have pages and squires and drill masters and armoursmiths - who would probably be different from the weaponsmiths, and definately different from smiths that make general goods, like nails. You'd have kennel masters for the dogs and chambermaids to do the cleaning and -

You get the gist.

I get why all this wasn't shown - budget, rotating cast of extras, it's just easier to have Merlin involved in literally every aspect of Arthur's life - but! I think it also kneecaps Merlin's character.

This is the tip of the iceburg of my ongoing quibble with the series regarding Merlin the perpetual servant. I'll get into it more in future episodes, but essentially I think the maintenance of the shows initial premise - high school au Arthuriana, Merlin-as-servant - reduced the potential character growth we could have seen, and a real fulfilment of the idea of Arthur and Merlin as equals (two sides of the same coin, anyone?).

It's also really funny to imagine Arthur driving away everyone who might be in his service, to the point he doesn't even have a squire. Like damn, how bad an employer are you?

The only other thing that got changed was the weird...thing... between Arthur and Morgana. Whatever that was, it died a death midway through season one and was never addressed again. I'm not against weird incest vibes in my Arthurian media - it'd be terribly genre-blind of me to be so - but it's not what I'm going for here. Or at least, Arthur and Morgana themselves don't see each other that way - they have lived too long as childhood peers to do so - and if it ever comes up, it'll be in the way that Gwen mentions it. People on the outside of the relationship assume that Uther means to betroth them at some point, to the pairs unbridled objection. Everyone else unknowingly condones incest, but not the actual participants.

That's it for ep two - ep three is already up as well, so I'll do a bts on that sometime soon.

In other news, our priestess is back >.>

i really dont think the dark worlds are escapism for susie - or at least if they are, it would contradict how susie acts in them. disregarding that theyre definitely not an escapist fantasy (berdly is ignored at every turn and doesnt have his smart-boy theme park, noelle is forced to face memories of dess that the world ignores in favor of pretending she never existed, literally everything w kris and spamton neo) susie actively goes AGAINST the hierarchy of the dark world system. she wants to be friends with the darkners and repeatedly points out how weird it is that theyre supposed to serve lightners, even mentioning spamton when ralsei tries to ignore it. and why would a person like SUSIE have a fantasy of an entire world of people totally subservient to her?

You're correct in the assertion that Dark Worlds are not a one-to-one escapist fantasy, yes! But that doesn't mean it cannot serve as escapism for the Lightner characters who visit it. There is a reason that every single Lightner who has visited a Dark World so far likes it there and/or wants to go back.

For Berdly, sure he does get ignored by Queen a lot of the time, and is unable to make his Gamer's Paradise. HOWEVER, he learns how to better connect to his peers, gets to come clean about how much keeping up the appearance of "smartness" weighs on him, and it's clear he's have a lot of fun being a cool knight in glow-in-the-dark-armor. He agrees with Noelle and Susie's initial plan to form another Dark Fountain.

[Image ID: Berdly right before attempting to create a Dark Fountain, saying "So is there any reason not to...?" End ID.]

For Noelle, yes, being in the Dark World brings up memories of Dess. But these memories aren't a bad thing, she's not disturbed by them. In fact, she's excited to be having an adventure, she's excited to be discovering new things about this new world! Her recalling how she and Dess and Asriel and Kris used to have adventures together too is more reminiscent and nostalgic, appreciative of getting the opportunity to have adventures like that again, and not indicative of someone who is being triggered by the situation at hand.

[Image IDs: The first five are from when Noelle and Kris walk through the December puzzle. Noelle says, "...when I said this city makes my head spin... I didn't mean in a bad way... you know? I always wanted to go someplace new, you know? ...And Dess... always told me she'd take me." and "...don't you miss exploring, Kris?". The last is of Noelle smiling, talking about the Dark World, "I've never... had an adventure like this before." End ID.]

For Kris... Kris is a more complicated case, because we oftentimes cannot see how they feel about a given situation. We do, though, have their two options in response to Susie saying the Darkners should come to their world, with "Yeah let's do it" being more enthusiastic and proactive then "Seems a little far-fetched". Also, I think it's safe to say they want to go back, for one reason or another. Because fucking uhhhh:

[Image ID: Kris opening a Dark Fountain at the end of Chapter 2. End ID.]

For Susie, in my original post I already gave examples of how much she favors the Dark World, how important it is to her, and how much she likes it there. Here, I'd like to define the term of escapism itself. Wikipedia describes escapism as a "mental diversion from unpleasant or boring aspects of daily life, typically through activities involving imagination or entertainment". It is important to note that in order for escapism to function, the "world" where you're escaping to does NOT need to be utopian. As someone who struggles with escapism myself, a lot of the media I use as an escape does have its own conflicts, flaws, angst, etc. The Dark World has it's issues too, but that doesn't mean it cannot provide an escape for those visiting it. There can be certain aspects of the Dark World that make Susie or the other characters uncomfortable, but as long as it is a better alternative to the "real" world, it can still be an escape.

So, here and within my previous post, I've begun to make a case that Susie displays signs of escapism. However, that still begs the question: Why is Susie susceptible to escapism, particularly within the Dark World?

From certain context clues, we can infer that Susie's home life is... Not great. In the start of chapter 1, she's afraid she's going to get expelled from the school, for something as menial as eating chalk. She says a bush is "basically [her] house now" because she took a nap in it. She drinks milk from an alleyway, completely unaware of where it's coming from. She doesn't call her parents when Toriel asks her to, and she can have impromptu sleepovers whenever she wants without telling them, meaning they're fine with her disappearing for an entire night (if they're still in contact with her at all). She sees herself as (metaphorically and physically) a monster, a bad person, someone who can never be a hero, someone who no one would want to be friends with:

[Image IDs: Susie right before her fight with Lancer in Chapter 1, saying, "I get it, y'know. Why would anyone..." She smiles bitterly. "...really wanna be my friend anyway?" End ID.]

I think it's safe to say that Susie, when we meet her at the beginning of Chapter 1, is unhappy. She's ostracized from her peers. She has little to no support network. She thinks all of her classmates are waiting for and want her to be expelled entirely. Given the position she is in, it's clear why she would want to find an escape. Thanks to the Dark World, she's able to connect to Kris and Noelle and even Berdly, she meets Ralsei and Lancer, she "becomes" a hero. After spending probably most of her life believing she's a bad person, in the Dark World she gets to be one of the GOOD guys (something she rejects at first because it doesn't align with her view of herself, but she's clearly much more comfortable with the title of hero as the story progresses). She gets to feel good about herself, she gets to feel good about what she's doing! She gets to save the world, she gets to use a cool axe, she gets to start learning healing magic, she gets to have fun with her new friends...

[Images IDs: Susie describing the Dark World, "And no matter what happens... No one tells us what to do!" End ID.]

You are right, anon, that a world of people subservient to her would not appeal to Susie. But the wish-fulfillment like nature of the Dark Worlds, the way they give her a chance to a hero, to be liked and appreciated for who she is, and even the way that the Darkners can't tell the Lightners "what to do", DOES. Susie wants to be free from authority, and the Dark Worlds present her with a situation where she can actively go against it, dismantle the system, and come out victorious and unscathed- something she cannot do in her own life. Susie does bring up how strange the whole "Darkner's purpose" thing is. She's clearly uncomfortable with most kinds of authority, and that means she's uncomfortable being the authority too. She does benefit from the way Lightners can pretty much do whatever the hell they want, but above that, she wants her and her Darkner friends to be equals. However...

I think that its somewhat important to note that, while its very prevalent in Chapter 1's narrative, the idea of it being Weird that Lightners are "meant" to serve Darkners takes a back seat in Chapter 2. We still see bits of it, like how we see Queen wanting to make the Lightners happy, but it's rarely ever called to attention in the way it was in Chapter 1: Susie telling Ralsei to quit it with the purpose talk, the Spade King's motivations against the Lightners, and Seam talking about the relationship that Lightners and Darkners used to have. We don't get to see a lot of that discussed in Chapter 2. Ralsei has taken Susie's advice. He's acting less compliant, learning sarcasm from her, and considering who he is outside of his destiny. Outwardly, he's displaying less of that "Darkner's purpose" mentality. Susie seems to be happy with this, and she doesn't bring it up in Chapter 2, because to her, the problem has been "solved", at least somewhat. In fact, almost none of the characters mention this Weirdness in Chapter 2. It is an inconvenient truth that can be pushed to the side.

Where we DO see this idea of the power imbalance between Lightners and Darkners utilized the MOST is within Spamton's subplot. But, for a large portion of that plot, Susie isn't present. Kris goes into the Spamton shop and (initially) the basement alone. Susie knows something is off, she realizes how uncomfortable Kris is, but she doesn't see a lot of what Spamton says about "heaven" and about being free. This is purposeful. Susie so far has been the one who's most directly against the power imbalance. Not allowing her to see more examples of it with Spamton's plot allows her to continue not thinking about it. It allows the imbalance to continue being swept under the rug. In fact, when talking about what was weird about the Spamton battle, Susie doesn't even mention "heaven":

[Image ID: Susie after the Spamton battle, listing it's oddities, "Puppets... strings... hands..." End ID.]

The power imbalance of Darkners and Lightners is weird to her, but it's not a deal-breaker. She still enjoys being in the Dark World. She still has fun there. She still stays up all night thinking about it. And, at the end of the day...

[Image ID: Susie smiling and saying to Kris at the end of Chapter 1, "Let's go back there tomorrow, alright?" End ID.]

She wants to go back.

In conclusion, I really do think the Dark Worlds provide escapism for Susie. They are not a perfect fantasy, but they don't have to be. As long as they are a better alternative to her life in Hometown, as long as they are giving her an adventure, giving her the friends she thought she could never have, giving her a chance to "be a good person", and a break from the expectations and pressures of her life...

[Image ID: Susie talking while Kris and her stand in front of the Dark Fountain, "But... is that really a bad thing...? Since they started showing up, Everything's gotten a lot more interesting, hasn't it...? ..." End ID.]

"Well, we don't have to think about that now..."

It's an escape.

24th September 2023, 8.21pm

The library at Centre Pompidou is open until late at night. I look out the window and my reflection stares back, wearing a yellow v-neck sweater. I bought it recently, it's soft and it was cheap. I bought it used, hesitantly, because the weather turned unexpectedly cold after two weeks of extreme heat and I had not yet received the rest of my winter clothes from Italy. They came two days ago, in big heavy boxes, and while I was putting them away, neatly folding them on my bed to then store them in the drawers under the mattress, I realized how much I hated them. 

On the metro I was wondering if, perhaps, my love for clothes, my fascination with fashion, is not just another attempt at controlling what I look like. There's only so much you can do to tailor your looks - cutting your hair, losing or gaining weight, taking care of your skin - but it all does not matter in front of your genes, your bones. I will not settle for what my genetics have given me. It's such a childish thought, but sometimes childish delusions are what you need to keep going forward (shoot for the stars and maybe you'll land on Mars, at least). I see a lot of eccentrically-dressed people here, and I wonder if they'd agree. Clothes do in fact go beyond the restrictions of your ribs and clavicles, of your hips and femora, but the same exact reasoning could be applied to coats and corsets, sweaters and shirts: underneath all the fabric is the naked skin. 

I still struggle with comparisons. I wish I could move on to different rhetorical devices, but before I know it I catch myself red handed staring at a boy's jaw without him noticing, at his curls, at the way his nose cuts the air, at the whiteness and regularity of his teeth. I never look away, I just close my eyes for a few seconds. It's such a persistent thought, regardless of who I am with or of what I am doing. It catches me off guard. My heart drops. Yesterday night, after ditching a boring party, we went at An.'s, and while lying in her bed I realize I was obsessively measuring my looks with Th.'s. Does that make me shallow? I can drown on the shore. I always think I'm getting better and then I see someone's profile picture on twitter, or a boy's post on instagram, or just a stranger's face on the street. So irrational. It's irrational to think looks do not matter, but it's even more irrational to think they matter this much. I am more than my face, than my body.

While waiting for class to start I was talking with Ca. and she confessed she was scared about our exams, in January, because she's used to getting good grades. I told her the obvious, that grades are not all that makes up who she is. But now I have to admit that this kind of rhetoric is leaky, full of holes. My grades, my looks, they are not all that there is to me, I am much more; but I am more in the sense that besides those things I am other things, in the sense that I am those things, I am my grades, my academic performance, my looks, because if I started liquidating as not important every aspect of my life that begins to fail I would end up devoid of everything. My looks don't define me. My grades don't define me. My clothes don't define me. My inability to write something worth reading doesn't define me. My struggle with French doesn't define me. My well-hidden anxieties, my fears, they don't define me. But then what does? The things I like? The books I read? The music I listen to? Is there really nothing to me besides the media I consume, art created by other people? Quite the opposite, I think everything is defining. Everything is a different color, and we are polychromatic. Attractiveness, our tests and essays, numbers, the art we create, the art we enjoy, it all makes up our ego. We just need to accept when our ego fails, that it's inevitable, but acceptance is impossible because we believe to know ourselves so well that, when presented with a faulty version of ourself, one that lacks a specific identifying attribute, we refuse to believe it. We simply cannot. 

Today is the last day of my first week of university here. It was hectic. I like that word, the way the tongue bends in the mouth. I still have to get used to living so far from the faculty, going back and forth, running to catch the correct metro. 

So far I enjoyed almost every class. A few were disappointing, especially History of Ancient Art, for which I was extremely excited and then extremely let down. It disappointed me twice, once at the tutorial, where the professor – a sweet-looking lady that reminded me of my elementary school math teacher – seemed underprepared, anxious, agitated. She barely looked at us, she kept glancing at her powerpoint, reading the lines as if it was a script. The second time was at the plenary session, where the professor – with whom I'd gladly drink a coffee, but from whom I doubt I will learn anything – confessed he essentially wants to do what they used to do last year in the Netherlands. It angered me, so I drank water in silence. 

Other courses were a surprise. My professor for Introduction to Private Law is amazing, which balances out the fact I hate the subject. The professor for History of Art of the Renaissance is also good. The one for Methods of Archeology is a bald, buff Italian man who speaks French with the mannerism, cadence and accent of an Italian. He's charismatic. A great talker. My friend said his accent is charming.

I finally figured out how to move around in that concrete maze. 

While I was going to class every day, Ma., the one who came to middle school with me, was staying at my apartment. I casually offered it to her, and then she actually decided to come. I was serious when I told her she could come, I just was not expecting she would. She's the reason why my last entry cuts off so abruptly, as I needed to stop writing to go pick her up at the bus station. 

She striked me as unprepared. She is starting her thesis very soon, and she should be finishing her bachelor's this coming year, but throughout her holiday I realized how behind she is. It's not her fault, and it's not a race, and frankly I am grateful to have had the chance to do all that I've done and learn all that I've learnt. We went all the way to the top of the Tour Eiffel, even though we were one hour and a half late when reading the time written on our entry ticket. Years ago my parents told me it was not worth it, that from that high up you can barely distinguish every building, that you might as well go up until only the second floor. They lied. Perhaps they had just not been able to book the ticket to get to the top, but I remember taking the stairs so vividly, walking between the brown iron webbings of the tower all the way to the second floor. This time, Ma. insisted on taking the elevator and on going on the top. She freaked out when we were late, and I just told her we should try to see how far we would get by acting as if nothing was wrong. The answer to the question is anywhere, you just need to put up a charismatic smile, at times make up a lie, and go ahead with a confident walk. We recognized every building from above the clouds. We even tried finding my building, but it was indistinguishable among the others, past the Arc de Triomphe. 

I started reading The Year Of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. Every page breaks my heart. I read it standing still, one hand gripping the metal bar of the metro and the other holding the book. 

-c.

Are you seriously trying to say that seeing fang and vanille as romantic is invalid? This is fandom, there are NO ships that are invalid and not being able to see Fanille as romantic specifically just means you're either homophobic or blind! The only reason you talk about Dion is just because you can't deny it, you have no choice

***This will be a long post, but I will say one thing to be considered outside of what otherwise is a long address to your behavior below, so this can be considered as I move forward for even other readers:

The heart of my main point is that Fang and Vanille have no material that doesn't fit within the context that has been abundantly given to them. Flat out. This has no bearing on how many boxes they can fit into for certain aspects of their actions/relationship (i.e. handholding can have a functionality in many contexts), but what is clear is that they're at least still at home in the one created specifically for them, with context that has no deviation from said meaning definitively or even lesser, convincingly.

Thing is—if someone has an interpretation that doesn't directly coincide with information at every single turn, as if it's all just wrong by the means of your thinking, that the information has no significance and is basically a lie in what it's pointing to, continuously, all the way to the end of the series, while it still has no other information to definitively or full proof, logically conclude it as false—maybe you should either change the configuration of your thinking, or just, include it, and just have both the understanding of "what is" AND your own personal desire and thoughts. And if you think you're correct, or just most likely correct with room for possibility of something else on a technical ground, then find better ways to actually convey that than the anon above.

Now, as for the ask:

I don't really know why you cut off there, but I'm not even going to link the 2nd part of the ask—this is all I need.

"Are you seriously trying to say that seeing fang and vanille as romantic is invalid? This is fandom, there are NO ships that are invalid"

Nope, not in the way you mean it anyway.

"Seeing them as romantic" is exactly what it is—it's not "invalid" in the way of human thought, to feel or interpret it as freely as you want to, as anyone ever has. Like, as a thing you can just do. That is part of what fandom is for. Nothing can stop someone from applying romanticism other than themselves, and it's application is FAR and WIDE, hence why it happens for even the most unconventional and taboo ships a lot. Like, a lot. Ships of which you hypocritically would most likely turn around and bash someone else for if you happened to disagree with it. I've seen it too often to not also notice how it's in the same wheel house as your behavior. Step into particular circles in the FF7 fandom and "double standard" would be the name of your game.

So, to be clear: not once have I ever indicated that people CAN'T/SHOULDN'T ship couples if they're not actually canonically romantic. In which case, I would define canonically romantic as any pairing of which has romanticism applied to them directly or through reliable subtext—endgame doesn't matter in that sense of the "true" of positive romantic tonality.

However, any actual stance I would ever take or conclusion I'd draw will mostly align with a critical, close understanding of the characters and story, with a complete recognition of what's more personal interpretation on my part vs. what I'd recognize is supported information and a better conclusion. The only reason I'd say a ship isn't "valid" in retrospect to the product in itself is if I'm arguing it isn't confirmed or reasonably conclusive of having the mentioned romantic tones applied—but that's validity in terms of the strict understanding of the characters and story functionality, that's NOT about one's ability to simply see the material in favor of romanticism. It's not the same thing or the same argument unless you're directly trying to debate that something IS romantic in functionality and meaning. The "I can see why people ship this" isn't really evidence in and of itself, now if it was part of a thought of how I'd argue there ARE romantic tones, directly or subtextly, then I'd be doing a lot more than what I've personally seen Fanille shippers do, or many shippers or those who romanticize them for that matter. And even within it, I'd still be exploring all options within all information and reasoning that would back up the claim.

This is the exact reason why, for instance, despite being a hardcore Aqua/Terra shipper who absolutely indulges in romantic interpretations of the characters, I'll still be the first person to also say there's not any actual solid romanticism written for them (yet), and what's there still easily fits within what HAS been described for them and exists as supported understanding of their relationship.

Some stories are straight forward and allow this to be easy, even if through reasonable Occam's Razor. Some are not, in which case I would even conclude that there's no definitive answer of where it falls. Within the confines of human thought, such as "people can think this is romantic" and I can see how, based on what I understand for how people can romanticize things (whether it's something I personally see too or not)—this isn't going to tilt the scale over the direct evidence that supports one conclusion over the other, though.

It's not that it's unreasonable to ship Fang and Vanille, but I do think it's unreasonable to not accept what the material has shown and spoken for when it also hasn't shown or spoken for it to be treated as inaccurate. Specifically, if what it's saying and what shows falls "deaf" on your ears or you're intentionally blocking it out because of your own personal history/perspective as opposed to a fair understanding, that's something for YOU to figure out, that isn't my problem, or the materials problem. But mostly, it's unreasonable be the kind of person you are—which is exactly the kind of people I've seen ever since the first game even came out.

I mean:

"not being able to see Fanille as romantic specifically just means you're either homophobic or blind"

Seriously?

Is there ever going to be a moment where people don't seriously see the hypocrisy? There's the idea of "letting people ship" (as if it could ever be stopped) or to "accept there are different perspectives", and yet, from my long experience in the FFXIII since it's creation, I've seen the complete opposite MORE from people who ship/see romanticism between Fang and Vanille. I see it within your words.

You COULD be the person I talked about: "I can see this happening between a couple but also know it can happen without it".

Instead, you're literally a hypocrite, and are more the "how can anyone POSSIBLY think differently than I do as it's the ONLY explanation that could exist"

People like you are only worried about the word "invalidation" when it preserves your own thoughts. I've seen it many times. If you REALLY wanted to talk about the material, you'd do that. If you REALLY wanted to challenge my reasoning and argue that it's flawed, you would do that.

But you don't. That's not what you did.

You really think Fang and Vanille sleeping next to each other due to the latter's trauma is a part of their "romantic code"? Then tell me how—tell me how the actual presentation of this information in the novel from both Fang and Vanille's perspectives, the scene with Sazh in the game, and the plethora of other information that paints a complete different picture of the tonality of this meaning for their relationship is wrong and/or less reasonable than "it means they're fucking".

You really think two people who've lived together the majority of their lives, are a close-knit family (that was even ostracized from their "old" family), and are thrown in a world unlike their own with people still unlike them—wouldn't still stick together and represent this common meaning in media? Okay, then present your through the logic then, go through the logic of how this possibly isn't normal in media that has fantastical settings, where the characters themselves already have unconventional lives to begin with, and how it's unlikely that it would be written without romanticism in mind.

YOU put in the work and actually talk about it, and realize the difference in what's your own indulgent interpretation vs. a more strict understanding of what everything is. You think it's fact? Prove it. You think it's the more reasonable conclusion? Prove it.

But you won't, no one has.

People like YOU are the ones who insist your personal interpretation IS the truth without even a conversation about the topic to create an environment where it can be logically and cohesively discussed to even be evaluated. Your literal conclusion about ME and the characters in this Ask is created solely on the different understanding alone and your own ugliness. Where's the conversation about the actual material?

Because things like the above, they're all the conclusions you've drawn on your own, and you have your own reasons, but you sure as hell didn't get there in a discussion with me, so don't act like I'm the one with the problem for not being convinced to take your opinion over my own understanding.

Your thoughts weren't made concrete to me by actually TALKING about the characters or the story, evidence, or the scene WITHOUT inserting your personal spin on what the characters are doing—it's just straight to an irrational notion and accusations that are child-like. YOU are the one who showed no attempt at being reasonable.

But no, it's YOUR interpretation that is valid without breathing room or understanding of other reasonable thought, it's YOURS that should be coddled and at the forefront within fandom, and everyone else that says different is WRONG because if they don't see it the way you do, then they're the worst possible things.

While there are definitely things that I believe are dumb, like your behavior, I have never said that the idea of shipping Fang and Vanille is dumb. It's never been the crux of my understanding. I actually have a lot of thoughts about the specific nature of that topic, of which I've actually barely touched upon in the things I've written, because I haven't said them. You have no idea and that's not my problem.

Why?

It's not what I wanted to concentrate on and don't have to, nor what I wanted people to address in discussion by creating the posts I did. Rather, I mostly want to talk within a more strict view of who the characters are and what the material has to say about them. I'm going to use evidence, and bounce that back to the material itself to gain an understanding that already COULD have been interpreted anyway. Doing this, I've even changed how I understand other character relationships because then I was able to understand what I MYSELF thought was actually counteractive to the evidence itself, even if I personally still felt a certain way.

When you just have a showcase of your ability to interpret character actions/motivations in a romantic/sexual light (which typically encompass describing it in a way that didn't ACTUALLY happen), which is super easy to do and is literally acting within the way of "not seeing a different perspective"—of course I'm not going to take what you're saying over what the material is saying and how it DOES fit with THAT understanding over yours. I'm also not going to respect you coming at me for having the ability to do this either.

So, when it's said that:

"you're homophobic if you don't see romance"

"there's no heterosexual explanation for them"

"you're just being heteronormative"

I mean, what? Do you think I'm going to say "you're correct" on any of these things without a second thought? Because you're not—and I'm not going to broadcast that as an opinion. You're just wrong. And you can find out why by having a conversation about myself, and we can have a conversation about the actual material, thought processes, what I perfectly find reasonable or not, etc. We CAN talk about just your personal opinion as well, but you're too busy being an offensive, childish hypocrite that needs to act like you got some damn sense.

And that's the thing, this isn't new. The game's been out for over a decade. I've seen all I've needed to see in how people talk about Fang and Vanille—I've done the research and found the information all myself, I did my part. I talk about Fang and Vanille also BECAUSE of fans like you, to take down misconceptions and provide full context on the characters in an otherwise hyper-aggressive environment where shipping and/or romanticism is considered above even the ability to have a decent conversation. Because strutting around just saying "they're lesbians" wouldn't be as bad if you weren't doing it WHILE you degrade anyone who sees differently, without any attempt at understanding the material itself without brushing it off without critical, fair thinking, and if you actually had a conversation with me, all these words of "not seeing a different perspective" would be proven to be untrue immediately.

For the artist questions, 6, 21 and 30 if you dont mind

6. What’s your least favorite thing to draw?

Ironically what people tell me to draw.

It's my love-hate with commissions, where I can need the money but dread what people are going to pay me to draw. However, I do like requests, there's a semantic difference in my brain for a request bc usually requests are framed in ways that people want me to draw something they think would match my art or think I the artist would enjoy drawing vs commissions where people want something I just couldnt care less about but Have to do it.

Since I've gotten more established professionally IRL I get to be more choosy about what I take on as commission, so I might just endup doing a whole "I'll only do commissions if I actually like your idea" since I do want to be paid for my work and I do think people have really cool ideas I would love to pry out of their tangled brains and put to paper or canvas or whatever. But even then, If I do really love someone's idea, I mean. Fuck it. I'd love to do it. I love making things for people and giving them away. The fleeting aspects of art can be art too.

21. Do you like to challenge yourself?

Yes !!! I constantly do shitty little sketches and go to drawing tutorials, ask my art instructor and professor friends for tips, tricks, ideas etc. I do a lot of exercises and recently I've become much less afraid of creating backgrounds now that I have a better grasp how to make them. Similarly I'm trying to figure out painting more, which is both fun and challenging.

I don't want to do Just realism, I would love to experiment with other styles. Now that I have actual income, I can "waste" resources (paint, canvases, etc) practicing. Usually the issue is, if I make something, I can't buy back the things I used to make it, and therefore can't continue making. One of the big reasons I've been doing so much more art lately than the past decade.

30. What inspires you to not just make art, but to be a better artist?

How do you define it? Is it what's the most realistic? I can do realism. I have. Ive been doing it since I was a young teenager, I had galleries and awards and was paid hundreds to nearly a thousand dollars for pieces. My parents kept all the money. Now that I'm an adult, no one gives a shit that some thirty year old man can paint a realistic portrait of a celebrity. It only mattered when I was 13 and 14 using a program no one ever heard of (paint tool sai) or didnt think photoshop could be anything but a photo editor. Realism isnt fun, anyway, at least not anymore for me.

I do think that things like "the basics" - anatomy and realism, still life, color theory, perspective, all should be learned to learn how to make compelling art. But they dont have to be used in polished, aesthetically pleasing ways. Once you learn how and why "oh these colors clash and make people turn away from how jarring they are" you can use that. "These perspective lines are weird" can be just as compelling when you have the knowledge to fuck around with it.

I think the thing for me is, after having collaborated with so many other artists IRL and seeing their work, art is so much more than being "good" or "better" or "best" — it's expression. What you express, how you express it, those are each personal things.

Art isn't just painting. Or embroidery. Or convention. Its this lady in town who makes full body puppet costumes out of scrap blankets and broken ceramics. Is this old woman in the country side who makes masks out of paper and crayons. Its a local punk who learned to silk screen their own T shirts with weird shit.

I guess more or less being a "better" artist for me is coming to understand that there's no actual such thing. You can have your own personal goals, set them, and make them.

In addition, "every artwork is practice for the next"

It's a perpetual cultivated skill that, when you look back, there will always be something you could have done "better"