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lucathy143 · 9 months

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Things that make the Who made me a princess novel and manhwa different:

There are many things that make the Who made me a princess or Suddenly I became a princess novel and manhwa different. I prefer the plot line of novel better and just the novel in general, but the art of the manhwa is without a doubt beautiful.

The novel and the manhwa first begin to differ after Athanasia’s debutante. The manhwa really begins to separate from the manhwa once Claude loses his memories. Here are scenes that show up in the novel but not the manhwa. I also explain the differences between the two. If it has (novel) in the beginning of the bullet point, it means that its a scene that didn't make the manhwa at all.

But there are three things I need to make clear before I beging.

An important to make clear before i begin is that Anastacius in the novel was actually killed by Claude, and was never possessed by Aeternitas. Aeternitas possesses a man and pretends to be the magician of the black tower (the magician of the black tower is actually Lucas) which the man comes when Athy is 14. Claude knows the man is a fake, and so does Lucas but neither of them do anything.He pretends to be the magician of the black tower until athy is 18.

Another thing is that the manhwa focuses mostly about family and that's why Athy never ends up with anyone (though she goes on a date with Lucas). In the novel, it's about family, growth, friendship and romance. She does end up with Lucas (sorry to those who ship Athy with Ezikiel) and there a lot more moments between Lucas and Athy in the novel. The novel is just better in general, I'm sorry.

The last thing to make clear is Jennette in the manhwa is different in the manhwa and novel. In the manhwa she is unrealistic and naive and i hate it. in the manhwa, she gets over the fact everyone lied to her about her family too easily. Her reaction to not actually being Athy's sister and Claude's daughter in the manhwa is so unrealistic. Jennette leaves with her uncle and lives "happily ever after." thats why so many people hate Jennette in the manhwa, because she is naive. Spoon portrays her different and makes her seem that she is always happy, and forgives everyone for lying to her, but she is different in the novel. Jennette isn't as naive. tbh Jennette does say some rude things, but its better than Jennette being all innocent and being fine after everything that happened to her. if all that happened to me, i would react just as Jennette does in the novel. in general, jennette's character is so much better in the novel. but then shit goes down but i will explain that later because i am making this in chronological order...

After Lucas leaves for the World Tree, Athanasia gets caught up in a mana explosion causing Claude to lose his memories. Like the manhwa, Athanasia wakes up after fifteen days and visits Claude. But in the novel, Athanasia doesn’t figure out Claude has amnesia until later on.

in the novel Athanasia doesn’t see Claude for days after he wakes up after saving Athy from the explosion. She’s confused as to why he hasn’t visited her and tries to sneek into his palace multiple times but Felix and Lily don’t let her. Unlike the manhwa, Lily tells her that Blackie is fine and that Claude is suffering from amnesia. That doesn’t happen in the novel.

One day when Lily and Felix aren’t there, she leaves her room. Hannah tries to stop Athanasia as she looks everywhere for Blackie, but is unable to find him. Lily comes, and Athanasia thinks that Claude is the one that killed Blackie (because he tried to the last time she coughed blood). Athy believed the reason Claude wasn’t visiting her was because he was guilty he killed Blackie (which isn’t true). Athanasia goes to his palace and finds him in his garden. Felix tells her to leave and gets all protective (which was cute and i wish all these scenes were added) but Athy ignores and asks Claude if he killed Blackie. Claude isn't very nice to her (like the manhwa) and confines Athanasia to the Emerald palace.

After she meets Claude in the garden, Lily and Felix tell her that Claude was suffering from amnesia. So in the novel, she wasn't told about Claude's amnesia nor Blackie's disappearance. Another difference is that Athy gets over Blackie's death much easier in the manhwa. In the novel she takes much longer to get over it.

Athanasia begins learning magic and tries to use money like Lucas did, and they come out non stop. There is a huge pile of coins and Athy falls asleep on them and Lily finds her.

The novel of Who made me a Princess and Beware of the Brothers are written by the same author. This is very important because Cabel Ernst (the second oldest brother) appears in the novel a lot because he is the third male lead. (its cool how the stories connect with one another) He was also Ezikiel's school friend. Cabel doesn't show up once in the manhwa. (i will mention more scenes with Cabel in it later on)

There is actually a scene in the Who made me a princess novel where Athanasia and Hari Ernst (fl of Beware of the Brothers meet). Athy is hiding from Claude in Artlanta on the top of the ceiling of Ezikiel old school. Hari sees through her disguise and they talk for a little. Hari is rushes by Erich to leave but drops her necklace. For the next couple of days Athy tries to find an opportunity to give it back, but eventually gives up and leaves and accidentally teleports to Claude's room (like the manhwa) and then goes back to Artlanta. Athy goes back into the school to return the necklace. Athy meets Cabel then.

Athanasia stays in disguise as a student in Artlanta for a little while before she sees Jennette in the novel. Eventually, she gets to talk to Hari once again and returns the neckalace. She meets Cabel again when she's talking to Hari.

That's when Athanasia realizes that Cabel was the second male lead of Lovely Princess.

Athanasia goes to check on Jennette and sees Duchess Alpheus (Ezekiel's mother), who doesn't show up once in the manhwa. Ezekiel, the duke and the duchess are all wearing black and Athanasia is confused as to why. She figures out that Jennette's aunt passed away. Jennette doesn't beg Duke Alpheus to go to the funeral like the manhwa and remains her room. Ezekiel goes to look for Jennette in her room and hugs her while she's crying. Ezikiel actually comforts her unlike in the manhwa.

The day Athy goes with Jennette to the festival, two boys approach them and try to harass them. But Athy screams at them and swears at them (using very... interesting language). And they get really mad and tries to hurt them, but she creates a candy ball the size of her head and hits both of the boy's balls. She ate that up fr.

Athanasia in the manhwa stops living in hiding because Jennette tells her that Claude doesn't want to kill her anymore. That doesn't happen in the novel. In the novel, she looks at the parade and sees Claude from very far away and decides that she will visit the Emerald Palace when Claude's away. When she teleports, Lily is on the sofa doing embroidery. But Claude made a doppelgänger of himself to appear at the parade, and tricked Athanasia into thinking he wouldn't be there so she would go home. Claude used Lily as bait, but Lily did it willingly because she knew Claude wouldn't hurt her. Athy realized if Claude really wanted to kill her, he would've done it ages ago, and decides to talk with her. Athy ends up crying and Claude apologizes and hugs her.

(novel) Lily tells Athy that Claude would admire the portrait of them two everyday and would watch the video stone. Lily also says that she thinks of Athanasia of as her own daughter. (this is such a cute scene).

In the manhwa, Athanasia begins having tea parties with Jennette and Claude, but that doesn't happen once in the novel.

(novel) Athanasia doesn't forgive Claude for what he did right away. She refuses to visit Claude first. Lily and Felix encourage her to visit Claude first, but Ces agrees with Athy to play hard to get. Claude visits two later and they have lunch together. (cute scene) Athy brewed Lippe tea for him and she says that she might've poisoned it and Claude says he would drink even if it was poisoned anyway because she gave it to him.

(novel) Athy has a nightmare and goes to Claude's palace in the middle of the night because she's scared. She visits him in his office and he picks her up and carries her to his room. When Athanasia is laying down in the bed, she tells Claude that she wants to meet her mom. Claude says "me too."

(novel) Athy wants to go outside for the night and asks Claude for permission. Claude says no but Athy encourages him that no matter where she goes that she will always come back. When she's back from the festival she gifts Claude cotton candy.

(novel) Athy meets the mages (not magician which is lucas) of the black tower.

the headmaster asks athy for a strand of hair or blood for experiment and claude gets so mad he blows up half of the tower. eventually Lucas blows up the other

(novel) Claude comes to athy's 15th birthday and spends the entire day with her

LUCAS RETURNS! in the novel Lucas returns from the World Tree, he takes Athanasia to Claude and sticks the World Tree into him and then Athanasia. This is different from the manhwa because it happens right on her 15th birthday, and it is a much simpler process than in the manhwa.

**Everything from now on only happens in the novel because Athy never turns 18 in the manhwa**

Jennette hosts a picnic at her estate and Athy attends (they are 17 now) During the picnic, Duke Alpheus and Ezekiel got "lost" while hunting and end up at the picnic. Duke Alpheus was actually worried about Jennette who was hosting a picnic for the first time. (which is actually adorable). Ezekiel kisses Athy's hand (which had gloves) to say goodbye. After the picnic, Lucas appears in the carriage and gifts Athy new gloves that were better than the old ones

Athy meets the fake magician of the tower. He asks Athy if she believes in karma and then asks if she believes in reincarnation. After telling Lucas, he leaves without giving a proper response. When he does, Athy swings a pillow at the air and he teleports back because he forgot to tell her something and gets hit. She almost fell and he caught her.

Athy has a tea party and Lucas visits and notices that Helena likes him. Athy and Lucas are talking about her and Athy lies saying Helena is interested in magic. He asks why Athy is so scared of Lucas when he hasn't done anything bad in front of her or to someone else.

Athy brings up the bubbles that Lucas created when they first met (to kill her). Lucas lies saying that he didn't try to kill her, and create regular bubbles for her and Athy pops them.

Athy mentions how cute he used to be when he was a child so Lucas transforms. She squeezes his cheeks so much and Lucas tells her to stop. She doesn't stop, so Lucas changes to adult form. When Athanasia releases her hands, he tells Athanasia to keep squishing his cheeks.

A mage of the Black Tower tells Lucas that the headmaster took some of Athanasia's hair and destroys the entire lab

There is a banquet Athy attends to that's hosted at the palace for the Artlantan ambassadors that are visiting (including Cabel Ernst) Before the banquet Athy sits on angel statue to see them at the parade. Cabel sees her and calls out "MISS FAIRY?"

(novel) Duke Seloid says things about how Athy can't protect herself and is weak because she is a women. Athanasia breaks a knife and a fork with her bare hands. Claude also broke his utensils and plate in anger

Cabel gifts Athanasia a flower from her own flower garden. When Athanasia goes back to her room and Lucas sees it, he gets jealous. Lucas feeds the flower to her bird, Bluey, and buries Athanasia in a pile of flowers.

Athanasia visits Jennette, Ezekiel and Cabel on the training grounds in secret. Ezekiel and Cabel have a battle and tie and go to Jennette after. They see Athanasia and approach her. They decided to have another match and Ezekiel wins. Lucas shows up to the training grounds and Cabel wants to battle him. Lucas beats him completely

Later on in the novel, it shows Jennette's POV of what happened. After Athanasia leaves, Jennette tells Ezekiel to go check on Cabel's condition and leaves her alone on the grounds. Jennette mentions that ever since she met Claude in the garden during Athy's picnic she had felt so depressed (which was 3 years ago). This is so much more realistic than the way the manhwa makes it. Anyone would feel depressed if their supposed "father" didn't accept them. Jennette also says that's she's jealous of Athanasia.

Athanasia attends a hunting competition. Cabel asks for Athy's handkerchief. This scene is funny because Athy doesn't have one so she asks Felix if he can give his to Cabel.

Athy's shoe gets stuck in mud during the hunting competition. Ezekiel helps her and Felix leaves alone in the tent. Athy can tell Ezekiel likes her, and starts to say that she doesn't like him back. He says he sometimes would like to lock Athanasia in a bird cage so she would at least see him more (which was a concerning confession...)

Lucas shows up to Athanasia who feels bad for rejecting Ezekiel. Lucas heard her reject him. Athanasia admits that at one point she did have a crush on Ezekiel, but not anymore. Lucas says that he "doesn't have pathetic thoughts like wanting to lock you inside a bird cage" and that "the entire world is a birdcage on his palm."

Like I said earlier, in the novel, Athanasia takes longer to get over Blackie disappearance. She tried not to get any new animals because they reminded her of Blackie. This leads to Lucas bringing her a new pet, and she names it Nox.

Athanasia is talking with Lily one night and asks if she wants to get married. Lily says that she doesn't need to get married and that Athy is like a child to her. Athy says she feels that Lily is like her real Mom and that she has two moms.

Lucathy's date on a lake. (on top of the water)

The final party before the Artlantan ambassadors leave. Funniest part about this is that Claude planned to arrive half way through the party (Athy later figures out because he doesn't want to dance with her and get his feet stepped on)

Ezekiel asks Athanasia to dance, right when she is about to respond Lucas shows up in adult form and asks her to dance. He takes her and dances with her. (i love this scene sm) Lucas admits he hates dancing but still continues to dance with her.

Jennette and Ezekiel are talking in the hallway after Athy started dancing. Jennette tells Ezekiel that even though he likes Athanasia, she will never like him back- just the way that Ezekiel will never like Jennette back. Jennette wanted to make Ezekiel angry because she feels he doesn't care for her all. That Ezekiel only does anything with her just to be polite. Instead of getting angry, Ezekiel simply rejects her.

Outside the party, while Lucas and Athy are dancing and after Jennette was rejected, Jennette meets Claude. Lucas and Athanasia feel a wave of magic outside and go out there. Jennette was outside crying where she finds Claude. She takes her ring off to reveal her gem eyes and calls out "father."

Lucas and Athanasia arrive at the scene and she forces Lucas to get rid of Jennette's black magic

Everyone is in shock. Felix doesn't even recognize Lucas in his adult form.

A day passes and Jennette was told that her father was not Claude, but his brother Anastacius. Jennette is devasteted and hates how she has been lied to all these years. She doesn't know what she has sinned, even says "the sin of being born."

Athanasia let Jennette stay at the Emerald Palace not as a criminal, but as guest. Felix is leading Jennette to the carriage when Jennette sees Ezekiel and Athanasia. Jennette felt hatred to all her loved ones, and then she thinks that she would rather disappear from the world than hate them.

The bracelet Lucas gave to Jennette to control her black magic breaks at the negative thought. Ezekiel runs towards her, and Jennette thinks that it was the first time Ezekiel ever cared about her.

Athy controls her black magic before anything happens because Lucas taught her the night before.

Lucas brings the fake black tower's magician beaten up (Aeternitas) and officially introduces himself as the Black Tower's Magician.

Lucas brings Aeternitas and Jennette to Claude. He tells Aeternitas to eat Jennette's black magic. He is refusing. But Claude says that he doesn't''t care if Jennette dies or not. Athy glares at him and Claude flinches and says that he wants Aeternitas to fix Jennette because Athy wants to. (Claude really doesn't want Athanasia to hate him).

Aeternitas also reincarnates and remembers his past life (just like Athy). Lucas is the only one that remembers him each life. He promises Aeternitas that he will greet him first in his next life if he helps Jennette. Aeternitas is so moved he also removed her jeweled eyes.

Claude tells Athanasia he blames himself for everything that happened. That when he realized him and Felix, Lily, Hannah and Ces etc. couldn't comfort her loneliness he placed friends her age. But the friends were Lucas, the Black Tower's Magician who lived hundreds of years. And Jennette, the daughter of Claude's enemy. (claude really cares for her it's so cute)

Claude tells Athy to not get too close to Lucas. Athanasia defends Lucas and Claude asks if she has been bewitched by him

The last chapter of the novel Lucas kisses Athy the night before she turns 18, at midnight. (best chapter ever i swear)

Sidestories

Another Busy Day as 18 (Lucas gives Athanasia a dragon for her 18th birthday and Athanasia goes out with Claude outside the palace)

Became a Princess in Wonderland (Athy by accidentally switched to the Lovely Princess dimension)

Lucas (Lucas' backstory, his childhood up to when he meets Athy, it's actually quite sad)

Became a Dad One Day (Claude's POV of meeting Athy)

What Happens When Lucas from a Parallel World Crosses Dimensions (this is a sequel to Became a Princess in Wonderland, it's when Lovely Princess Lucas goes through many dimensions to find Athy and he sees many different universes)

girl i was so bored so i decided to do this and didn't expect it to be so long. but i wanted to reread the novel so i reread while spotting the differences and (most of) the scenes that aren't in the novel.

#who made me a princess #manhwa #lucathy #please read the novel its so much better #webnovel #webcomic #suddenly became a princess one day

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house-afire · 1 month

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he was us (Ed/Izzy, Ed/Jack, omegaverse)

Prompt: 100 words of studding

Ed lets Jack do the actual procuring. There’s nothing Jack likes better than trawling ports for omegas, the wetter and sloppier the better, and anyone who’d let Jack in their pussy is clearly up for anything. Ed himself is proof of that: he’s just finished washing Jack’s come out of the thatch of curls ’tween his legs. (Jack never finishes inside. He likes making a mess.)

Getting Ed studded, properly dicked-up like a captain should be, will be messier than anything else they’ve done, so it’s no wonder Jack’s so fucking excited.

Ed is … nervy. Which isn’t the same thing as being nervous. It’s fucking weird, that’s all—the idea of trading out his cunt for a cock.

But afterwards, everybody’s gonna look at him and know who he is. They won’t say that he’s pretty or delicate or too goddam clever for his own good, doesn’t he know that he’s supposed to be sweet?

His mother was sweet. Never asked for anything in her life and never got it, either. Ed’s all through asking, asking’s yesterday’s news. Piracy means you can have whatever you want, so long as you’re willing to be a degenerate fucking monster to get it. Ed knows what shit costs. Always has, always will.

Jack opens the door into the wall—fucker can never come into a room normally—and announces, “Last chance to change your mind! Tell me quick, or I’m gonna wind up taking this fucker myself.”

Ed can smell the other omega. He’s got a harsh, sharp scent, like salt and strong lye soap with none of the little herbs Ed likes; it’s a bit weird, to be honest, but if Jack’s about a second away from knotting the guy up against the wall, it might smell better to an alpha.

Doesn’t matter anyway. If everything goes according to plan—and Ed’s willing to go walkabout on Hornigold, if he has to, and overstay his shore leave face-first in this soapy omega, so the plan is cruisey—all he’s really going to be smelling, the whole studding, is cunt.

“I’m not changing my mind,” he says. “Bring him in.”

Jack gives a drunken cheer and hauls the man in, but Ed barely has a chance to look at him before Jack is falling on his knees and giving Ed’s pussy some rapturous, teary-eyed attention.

And—since it’s Jack—a slobbery smack of a kiss and an enthusiastic rub of his fucking mustache.

“Bye, Blackie’s cunt,” Jack says solemnly. “We had ourselves a good run.”

“Oh, get the fuck out of here,” Ed says, but he laughs anyway, so Jack just grins at him, victorious, and surges to his feet.

“Take care of him,” he tells the strange omega, who is watching all this with a crease between his brows, looking like it’s a language he can’t fucking parse. Jack takes in that expression, laughs in the guy’s face, slaps him on the shoulder so hard he staggers, and galumphs back down the stairs of the inn.

“Sorry,” Ed says. “He’s—a lot.”

He has a chance to take in the other omega now, and—nose-scouring scent aside—he can admit Jack made a good choice. He’s an old fucker—well, older than Ed, and Ed will probably never live to be whatever-the-fuck age he’s at, so old enough—which is supposed to help somehow. Like his slick’s aged like the good wine Ed’s only ever had drunk from stolen bottles. And he’s flushed and damp, trembling on the edge of a heat.

“He said you need someone to stud you,” the man says in a thin, raspy voice.

“Sorta. I need somebody I can use to stud myself.” Ed’s been working on big-dick alpha energy. “Is that you?”

“Won’t know until you fucking try, will you?” The man bares his teeth in a smile.

“You’ve got some crazy energy, man,” Ed says. “Can’t decide whether I like it or not. I’m Blackbeard.”

Oh, shit—Ed only gets hot for alphas, as a rule of thumb, but the flicker of recognition and interest in this fucker’s eyes when he hears Ed’s name is fucking fire. Nobody’s ever recognized him before.

“You’ve heard of me,” he says, almost in a purr.

The man gives a tight little shrug. “Hear a lot. Didn’t know you were an omega.”

“Won’t be, after tonight. Or however long it takes. What’s your name?”

“Izzy.”

Ed doesn’t think it suits him, and then he thinks it does—those z’s, sharp little saw-blade letters, that dangly y that could stretch out forever. It’s a name meant to be shouted across a deck. Hissed in a command. He doesn’t have to ask if Izzy’s a pirate too. Ed’s hot shit when it comes to just knowing.

There aren’t many omega pirates out there, but there are some. Ed’s never known one to last without either a mate or a buddy like Jack, though—somebody to fuck them silly when needs must. Izzy does not have the vibes of somebody who’s ever been fucked silly in his life.

“You ever try getting studded?” Ed asks. It’s none of his business, yeah, but he can never keep his fingers out of a pie—or an open fucking wound. He likes to see what’s inside. See how shit works.

“Didn’t take,” Izzy says briskly. “It’s why your man thought I was right for the job. I tried four times. Didn’t seem worth going back for a fifth.”

“Fuck,” Ed says, strangely impressed even though it also sounds like a fucking nightmare, honestly, being stuck like that. “You’re like a super-omega. Bet you’re deeper and wetter, somehow.”

“Yeah. Men have gotten lost inside my cunt, never to be seen again. Are we fucking doing this or not? You worried you’ll end up like me?”

“Nah.” Ed strips his trousers back off and flops on the bed. “Nah to the worrying, I mean. Never worry. Yes to the fucking.”

#edward teach #izzy hands #calico jack rackham #ed/izzy #ed/jack #omegaverse

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slewerside-watch · 9 months

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TW: $TD / R@PE / 1NC3ST

I remember my first herpes outbreak. It came a week after I was assaulted. I was 4 years old.

My mother had to use a little plastic water can while I peed because it hurt so fucking bad.

Many people say they can't remember being little. But I remember that day vividly.

I was in my room playing with Blackie and Nella (my two stuffed dogs that I still sleep with to this day)...

My step father came in with nothing covering his bottom half. But he was wearing a t-shirt for some dumb ass reason. I was curious. I just looked up not knowing what to think.

That's when he pulled his belt out of the pants he was holding. He hit the belt so hard on my little bed that it put a dent in the wood. He started yelling at me to listen. And I started to cry.

He got on his knees in front of me on the floor and put himself in my mouth. I was trying to scream but I could hardly breathe. This lasted a few minutes before I passed out.

When I woke up I was naked laying in his bed and he was standing over me, his shirt gone.

I can still feel his tongue on my privates to this day. It makes me sick to my stomach. It puts me in physical pain to think about this. But I need to vent.

He would play with me with his fingers. Then stick the fingers in my mouth while he licked me. And it went on for what seemed like forever.

I screamed and cried the whole time. We lived in an apartment building. But no one came to help.

My mother's best friend showed up at the apartment and that's what made it stop. He quickly dressed me and sent me into my room. But I didn't listen. I ran for the friend and hugged her.

She pushed me away and said to stop, completely ignoring my tears and pain.

I kept screaming that I wanted my mommy but no one would listen. So the friend locked me in my bedroom and told me to shut up while I screamed and cried.

When my mom got home she ignored me too. I just laid there all alone all night. It was easily the second worst night of my life.

The absolute worst night of my life was the time he actually r@ped me, not just assaulted me. That day I was also r@ped by a stranger at my neighbor's house. I kept telling my mom that someone hurt me but she just kept saying "whatever" with a smile on her face and ignoring me.

My step father sat me down on his lap and asked me what happened. He brushed the bangs out of my face and told me I could always talk to him. So I spilled. And he laughed. I will never forget that laugh.

That night he was drunk as a skunk. Pretty much every night he was and still is.

So he came upstairs in the middle of the night and went in my little sisters room. I could hear the bed creaking. I could hear her yelling and crying. But he didn't say a word. And my mom did nothing.

It got super quiet. I had locked my bedroom door so he couldn't come in. But the bastard pounded and pounded and threatened to kill me and I heard the gun click. So I opened the door per his request.

It started with the insults. Him saying I shouldn't cry r@pe. And of course telling me I deserved this. That I was good for nothing but hurting innocent men. Hurting him.

Then in less than a minute I was naked on the ground bearing all of his weight.

This time I was twelve. He was inside of me. Over and over and over again. I screamed and cried and screamed some more. And again my mom was watching TV downstairs and didn't give a single fuck.

Eventually he held the gun to my head, still on top of me, and told me that if I EVER spoke a word about this to anyone he would kill me AND my sister.

My life didn't matter to me. But the second he threatened my sister I knew I would never say a word to anyone. And I didn't. Until my sister left the house at 18. Then I confronted my mother about it. And she denied ever knowing.

I woke up in the middle of the night bleeding from down there and I had to pee. So I left my room against my better judgement to go downstairs to the bathroom. But I couldn't. Because he was passed out on the stairs. Probably fell down them. I can't remember what I heard or didn't hear after he left my room.

But I ended up peeing in a school supply box because I couldn't go downstairs.

I dumped it out my window and threw the box away the next morning.

The memories are unbearable. I'm still afraid of my own shadow to this day.

It's hell. And I'm scared to exist sometimes.

I wish it would all go away. But it never will. That's okay though. I'm fine. (:

Z.L.H. 07/25/2023 12:23 am

#ptsd

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gemslittlelibrary · 2 years

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Two sisters set out on different paths. Though appearing vastly different, with plenty of twists and turns, they occasionally cross, if only for a moment.

How You Grow Wings by Rimma Onoseta is a thrilling, intriguing, and touching coming-of-age tale. Sisters Cheta and Zam grew up in an abusive household in a small village in Nigeria. Cheta, the oldest, is used to being horrifically abused by their mother, and resents Zam for being the favorite. Zam, although not physically abused, has developed an anxiety disorder from the constant stress and toxic environment. I won't go into the various scenes of abuse depicted throughout the story, but suffice it to say, these girls grew up in an environment with the threat of violence looming over them. So, when the extremely rich aunt and uncle of the family invite Zam to live with them in Abuja, she immediately accepts, leaving Cheta behind.

Onoseta has written the book with chapters that switch between the points of view of both sisters, and she does it well. It never feels confusing or unnatural, and it allows us to better understand Cheta and Zam's relationship. Zam hates Cheta, finding her terrifying, mean, and selfish. Cheta hates Zam, but also feels a strong urge to protect her. Her methods can be violent and impulsive, though, and tend to cause more issues.

Once in Abuja, Zam begins to blossom. She befriends Ginika, another girl who lives in the house, and eventually Kaira, her cousin. However, Zam quickly learns that her richer relatives' lives aren't perfect, and contain pockets of darkness she could never have imagined.

Cheta, left in the village, is faced with her mother's hatred without a buffer. There's a scene where she sits alone for hours at the table, having made dinner for the family. When her parents finally come for food, hours later, it's clear that the tradition of family dinner was for Zam. Without her, there's no need.

How You Grow Wings is not afraid to confront issues of race and class in Nigeria. Colorism is rampant. Zam and Cheta's mother is the darkest of her sisters, and they call her "Blackie". This has caused her to constantly bleach her skin, leading to chemical burns. Aunt Sophie, the aunt Zam goes to live with, is mixed race and very light. Ginika, who is very well-educated about the horrors colonialism inflicted on her country, comments on it to Zam: " 'How do I look at her?' 'Like you're obsessed or in love. It's creepy. Honestly. You people's obsession with mixed race people is disgusting,'"(loc 293).

Ginika, who was raised abroad, is very focused on connecting with her roots. She asks Zam to teach her Igbo, and tries to connect with her ancestors spiritually. Through her, we are given a clearer look at problems in Nigeria that Zam is largely unaware of.

Zam's naïveté fades the longer she lives with her aunt and uncle. She quickly learns that fraternizing with the staff is frowned upon, and could even cause them to be fired. Rather than going to the market to shop on her own, she has to be chauffeured and looked after. This all comes to a head when Zam is traveling with Aunty Sophie and is caught in a kidnapping situation. Although left with a broken arm, Zam is not kidnapped, but the same can't be said for her aunt. The aftermath changes the family forever, and the three girls are sent to boarding school in the UK.

Cheta's life, though free of kidnapping attempts, contrasts sharply with Zam's. After leaving her abusive home, she ends up sleeping on the couch of a former schoolmate in Benin City. Unable to find a job, Cheta eventually accepts the offer of becoming a dealer. Interestingly, Zam, Kaira, and Ginika get busted for attempting to purchase marijuana, but are let off the hook with no real punishment. Were Cheta to be caught the outcome would be dangerously different, and she knows it.

Eventually, Cheta and her roommate are given the chance to become sugar babies—younger women entering relationships with rich men for money and gifts—and they both accept. Cheta is then pulled into a darker plot that changes the relationship between her and Zam forever.

I very much enjoyed reading How You Grow Wings. It gives a beautiful picture of Nigeria without sugarcoating real issues that plague the nation. I found both Cheta and Zam to be interesting, likable characters, and it was easy to feel real empathy and concern as their stories progressed. I flew through the story with genuine interest in the outcome. There were a few loose ends in the plot, but it's a solid read regardless.

Final rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟

#arc #advanced reader copy #tw colorism #tw classism #tw abuse #realistic fiction #nigeria

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koolkat9 · 2 years

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GerFra Day Fic 2022

So yeah...It’s the anniversary of the The Elysee Treaty which was the offical declaration France and Germany’s friendship and all that jazz...So Gerfra Day! Here is a fic in honour of it!

Rating: T

Pairing: GerFra

Word Count: 1013

Author’s Note: There is some brief/vague mentions of the past world wars so be warned.

The Future is Bright

It wasn’t like Francis to turn up to a meeting early. If anything, he would arrive late (though only from time to time). But this particular meeting was special. After decades of tension, war, and suffering, the countries of France and Germany were to sign a treaty declaring and assuring a long-lasting friendship. Though he knew Ludwig’s hands had been tied during the events of the past, Francis couldn’t help but feel bitter towards the young nation. The wounds from the latest world war were still fresh in Francis’s mind, and he had no one else to direct his anger towards other than Ludwig. At the same time, grudges were something their kind couldn’t hold for long without suffering even further. So Francis had arrived early, hoping to clear his head with some quiet.

Francis wasn’t the only one with this idea, however. A few minutes after he had arrived, Ludwig also entered the meeting room. The Frenchman tensed when he heard the door open, only relaxing once Ludwig took his seat in front of him.

“I hope I’m not intruding,” Ludwig said as he pulled out his papers.

“Not at all,” Francis sighed, “You’re always early to these things, so I assumed this time would be no different.”

They lapsed into silence as Ludwig appeared to turn his attention to his papers, giving Francis the ample opportunity to look the man over. He couldn’t remember the last time he faced Ludwig in a situation outside of war, but what he saw at that moment was quite the pitiful sight. For a nation so young, Ludwig looked well over a millennium. Dark circles hung below his forlorn gaze and knitted brow as his lips drew into a thin line. Francis tried to ignore the way it made his chest feel tight.

“So, how are you doing?” Francis asked, trying to spark some casual conversation. They were to be friends after all with a treaty to prove it.

Ludwig was quiet for a moment as if he had to think over his answer before replying: “Good.”

So he wasn’t up for talking huh? Well, it wouldn’t have been the first time Francis had to carry a conversation. Over his years, he had practically mastered it. “Well, my morning could have been better. I’ve been so busy with work these past few days that I haven’t been able to go to the grocery store, so breakfast was less than adequate this morning. I’m very particular when it comes to food you see, so I didn’t really start the day off right.”

As the two waited for their respected bosses to go over the treaty, Francis went on and on about whatever topic came to mind. "How are your dogs by the way?" he asked eventually.

Something flickered in Ludwig's cold blue eyes. For the first time since he entered the room, the young nation looked up at Francis. "They're pretty good. Berlitz got out Monday though. That one always gives me trouble, but he's a good boy at heart and always comes back. It makes life interesting for sure. Blackie got into the treats Feli had made them this morning. That was a fun clean-up. But I couldn't stay mad for long with how guilty and ashamed he looked. Perhaps I spoil them too much."

As Francis listened to Ludwig go on about his dogs, he felt his ill-will and worries melt away. He never thought Ludwig of all people could get so excited over something, especially something as soft as dogs. It was endearing, to say the least. Francis felt a little bad for coming into this meeting so sour.

"Then there's Aster,” Ludwig said, his small smile falling, “She's been kind of off lately, but I think that's because I… I think she's worried about me. She's always been able to sense when something’s wrong"

"And what is that?" Francis asked, though he had a feeling he knew the answer.

"These past few decades have been… rough," Ludwig admitted. "Though I'm sure it's nothing compared to the hell you've been through," he quickly added, "I'm sure I'm the last person you want to hear whining about all this."

"These past few decades have been hard for all of us," Francis assured him, "You shouldn't deny your own hardship. It'll make it worse.” Francis gave him a small smile. "But that's all in the past, and the future for us looks bright.”

Ludwig still looked troubled, though he nodded along in agreement.

“You know what?” Francis exclaimed, “Let’s just start over, turn over a new leaf and all that. Bonjour Je m'appelle France. But feel free to call me Francis. No need for formalities.” He extended his hand to the German across the table. Said man only blinked at it in confusion before hesitantly grabbing it in a timid shake.

“Ich bin Ludwig…er…Deutschland.”

Francis shot him another warm smile. “See? Doesn’t that feel a lot better?”

Ludwig shrugged, his gaze falling to his papers once more. The Frenchman’s smile faltered. Just when they were getting somewhere, it was as if they were back to square one.

“How about we get drinks after this?” Francis proposed after a moment, “My treat.”

“A-Are you sure?”

Francis laid his head in his hand, trying to act cool. “Well…We’re sealing our newfound friendship after decades of being at each other’s throats. That’s worth celebrating, don’t you think?”

“Yes…It is.”

“It’s a date a date then,” Francis said with a smirk, "We'll leave right after everything is settled."

Ludwig’s face went bright red before coughing awkwardly into his hand. “O-Okay…N-Now... How about we look over some of the paperwork in the meantime?”

Francis rolled his eyes. Leave it to Ludwig to move straight into business after a touching moment. But at least he seemed in better spirits. If all it took was a little paperwork to distract Ludwig, then Francis would be content to indulge him. Plus, he had their little “date” for motivation. Yes, the future looked bright indeed, and Francis could finally say that and mean it.

#hetalia #hws #gerfra #frager #hws france #hws germany #gerfra day #gerfra day 2022 #angst #hurt/comfort #making up #forgiveness #fanfiction #hetalia fanfiction #angst with a happy ending

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livinginncity · 3 years

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if we were human

♚: lee rang x reader

❡: fluff??(angst, pure angst)

ⱳƈ: 2.5k

⚠︎: besides it being really bad? none really. like, literally a couple swears. it was fluff, and then it became angst, so...sorry, but not really because if i’m crying, so are you.

children could be heard all around the park. some screaming and laughing as they run behind, others crying after they tripped, only to soon be comforted by the gentle holds and hushed assurances of their mothers and fathers. a bit further away was a small dog park, from which came all kinds of barks and growl, as well as cooing of the passerby. and there at a bench, located slightly closer to the swings and slides attracting the younger humans, sat a man that looked less than pleased to be where he was.

“Guess who.” a female’s voice rang out as a soft hand covered his eyes. he merely rolled his eyes beneath their new coverings and proceeded to drag the small wrist away from his face. “y/n.”

the young woman sneered and scoffed before yanking her hand out of his grasp to walk around and join him on the bench. “I don’t like you.”

“I don’t like you either.” a smack to the back of the man’s head could be felt soon after the words left his mouth. “Yah!”

“What are you doing here anyway? I never took you for the people watching type.”

“That's because I'm not. As if they deserve that much attention.” a hand lazily lifted in the direction of a familiar little boy, the action bringing a smile to the woman’s face.

“Ahhhh. But that one’s the exception? I thought you didn’t like little kids with runny noses, something I heard you have in common with your brother actually. Is that a gumiho thing or a family thing?” the man she addressed turned his head to look at her with an unimpressed look.

“Has anyone ever told you that you talk too much? Or that you ask too many questions?”

“Well considering that was one of the first things you said to me when we met, I’ll just assume you know the answer to that already.”

she turned to look where the man’s gaze had previously been fixed and he followed suit. their eyes moved as they followed the movements of the young boy whose energy seemed to rival that of a puppy’s. ‘how fitting’ was the thought that came to the pair. minutes passed before they changed positions—the girl moving to settle her head on her company’s shoulder. said company shook her off before she repeated the action, leaving her be the second time. and he stayed in place even after she dragged his head to rest upon her own.

“Rang-ah.” the man simply grunted in response, urging her to continue. “I hate this.”

his eyebrows furrowed slightly at the sudden proclamation. “The kids? The families? Parks? I don’t really like them either. The first are messy and demanding, the second is an extremely unrealistic dynamic, and the last are way too loud and crowded.”

“No.” she took in her surroundings before speaking again. “This. I love all of this. I want it all. The kids are adorable and it feels so rewarding to be someone they rely on and look up to. I’ve had my fair share of family drama, but I’ve always wanted my own that I could cherish—pointless fights and all. And parks are probably one of my favorite places because it gives me everything I need to imagine what it’d be like if I had the first two.”

“What?” at her words he lifted his head to look down at her.

“I hate all of this shit that’s going on right now. It was one thing when you were just this occasional menace to your brother, but now the Imugi is involved and Lee Yeon refuses to let Ji Ah go again. It’s caused so many problems and with them, questions to be asked. Things could be so much simpler. Don’t you ever think about what life would be like if we were all human? This would all just be some petty high school drama. Like, Lee Yeon got class president in school and now, years later, both he and Imugi are CEOs competing in the nightclub industry or something like that.”

“You’re starting to sound like Lee Yeon. I guess you’re just as lame as him. Or maybe even lamer because really? That’s the best you can do with this fake drama?”

“Did I ever tell you that I ran into Soo Ho before you got the Tiger’s Brow back from him?” she ignored the questions, but her own annoyed him slightly. before he could respond. “I asked him if I could try them on and walked to the nearest window I could see myself in.”

“So, what’d you see? What were you? A Snake? A rat? Pufferfish?” her only response to his teasing was a pinch to the side. she shook her head before continuing.

“I saw a child.” her face changed to a solemn one. “All I saw was a snot-nosed little kid that the world seemed to have it out for. I didn’t even live long enough to have many firsts. And no one was ever there for the few I did. Well, there was one. Towards the end, I think my final year, I met an old lady. She lived alone, but she took me in the moment we crossed paths. She gave me my own room, let me help her cook, as much as a child could help, and she would always tell me these stories of her husband who had passed about a decade before. In just a few months, that woman gave me what felt like a lifetime of love. All while I was slowly dying, she made me forget the hardships, the neglect, the hatred, and by some cruel fate, she died first. But before she went, she said to me “treat my death as not another result of this terrible world, but take it as a sign that even when we know that our end is inescapable, we are able to cherish the temporary moments in which we are truly happy should we allow ourselves that much.” And so,”

the woman finally lifted her head from the gumiho’s shoulder to look into his eyes. “I think, if I could be reincarnated as a human again, I would. But since it’s probably never gonna happen I want to live like one. Get married, have a family, get mad when someone doesn’t show up for the holidays. I don’t know if I’d make it as a human with everything I know now, and I honestly don’t want to be human right-right now because I probably wouldn’t get to be around you. And I also just can’t imagine how you’d get by without seeing me every day.”

“Don’t act like you’re anything special.” he scoffed and looked back at the playground.

“You don’t have to admit it.” she stood up from the bench, looked over to the young boy he had taken in, and turned back. the woman grabbed his face and, after looking at the man for a few seconds, leaned in. “I know you love me.” and then she ran. “Soo Ho-ah! Let me play with you, that old fox is being mean again!”

“Yah!” he didn’t get up to chase her. she was right no matter how much he thought about it. somehow that weird girl wormed her way into the list of people he more than tolerated. and as he sat alone with his thoughts, he watched her play with the reincarnated boy, the latter seemingly winning their current sword fight.

does he ever wanna be human? no, it seems way too boring. does he like kids? he likes one, so that’s good enough. will he get married at some point? well, it’s just some rings and paper. and it’s not like he isn’t in love with that girl in the park.

bonus;

“Hey, y/n. If you’re watching this then...you know. I figured a couple good deeds might do me well in the afterlife, so what better way than finally letting my brother be with the girl he’s waited hundreds of years for.”

“You crazy bastard.” those were the only words that she could force her mouth to speak as she looked down at the small screen.

“I know you’re probably cursing me right now, thinking ‘this crazy bastard.’” somehow they both managed to let out a chuckle. “You know I don’t like vulgar words, but I’m not there, so i told Soo-Ho to pinch you for me every time one leaves your mouth.”

“Of course you did. It’s already a habit of his now.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye. Especially to you, Yu Ri, and Soo-Ho. I didn’t get to say thank you, either. You’ve all helped me more than I’d ever care to admit, but I really am grateful to have shared part of my life with you. I got to help Yu Ri like Lee Yeon helped me, got to meet Blacky again, and I got to experience so many things with you.”

the tears in her eyes were already brimming and it was clear they wouldn’t stay there long. “y/n.” she looked back to the screen as he called her name.

“go to the nightstand on the right of my bed and open the drawer.” the girl got up from her place at the edge of the bed and walked over to the wooden table. with her phone in her left, she used her right to open the drawer, and she could feel her heartbeat stutter as she laid her sights on the black velvet box that sat in it. she reached a shaky hand to pick it up, and when she flipped it open she couldn’t help dropping the phone as she brought the other to her mouth with a choked sob. all she could do was shake her head and let the tears subject themselves to gravity.

“Do you remember that day in the park?” despite not being able to actually see through the endlessly flowing tears, she managed to scramble around and find the device that had slipped from her grasp. “You were talking about all this stuff like marriage, family, kids—what it’d be like to be human because things would be so much simpler. And while I don’t think anyone could ever convince me that being human would be fun, I figured we could at least do some of those human things. We were kind of halfway there, you know? You practically live in my apartment, and Soo-Ho took over the living room with his toys, so it was only a matter of time for him to get his own room so I could stop stepping on legos—maybe get a door with a lock from the outside so I don’t have to worry about waking up covered in stickers.”

she laughed as she recalled the memory, his interactions with the little boy, and their goofy smiles when things were calm for once. “You dorks were made to follow each other into every life.”

“I was gonna propose to you after this whole thing was over. Once I knew Lee Yeon was safe and not being targeted by a wannabe dragon. I’m sorry I couldn’t give that to you or...our own kid, though I think the one we have now is pretty great. And I’m also really sorry that I’m finally telling you this once it’s too late, but you were right. About what you said that day.” her breath hitched as she saw the tears glisten while they slid down his face. “I love you.

as if it were clockwork, a sob made its way from her throat and the tears began again.

“Yah, stop crying already. Please. I’d be upset if I was the cause of it.” and she tried, she really did, but it wasn’t as easy as he made it sound. “And, I know this is probably asking a lot for all that I’ve put you through, but can you wear it? At least for a little bit. Just think of it as a way of honoring my memory—the better parts obviously. You can keep my apartment if you want, too. Soo-Ho might be a job better-fit for Sin-Ju and Yu Ri, but if he says he wants to stay with you, you better let him.”

another laugh emitted from between the sobs as she listened to his final message.

“I really do love you, y/n. And if there is ever a chance of us finding each other again, I’ll tell you every chance I get. Anyway, I think it’s time for me to go now. I only have a couple more minutes and I don’t think the others are gonna make it in time. I’m scared if I’m being honest, y/n. I’m afraid of being alone, but you helped me not feel like that all the way up to the end—I finally had a family. So thank you. Love you.” and he smiled his big, child-like smile before adding on, “And don’t tell Lee Yeon I said sorry, or thank you, or I love you that much in under ten minutes.”

and just like that, it was over. no more, dumb family feuds, no more naengmyeon with no eggs because someone would always steal it, no more Lee Rang. she stared at the paused screen for what felt like hours before setting it to the side on the bed, to do as he had asked. carefully, she took the ring out from the safety of its cushions and slid it onto her left hand. she let out a shaky breath as she stared at her ring finger and she said it back, hoping that somehow, someway, he would hear it. “I love you too, Lee Rang-ah.”

it was a while before she moved from that spot—getting on her feet only to answer the door that had just rung. opening it, she could have seen the man who had taken the place of Lee Rang’s in the living world, but all she saw at that moment was an older brother who had also lost someone he loved.

“Lee Yeon-ah.” it was then that the male finally took in her appearance. she wore jeans, one of his brother’s sweaters, and her hair was in a bun that had clearly seen better days. but what really caught his attention as his eyes traveled, was the black box in her right hand, and shining silver band on her left. then he lifted his eyes back to hers to see just how tired she was. “Lee Yeon-ah. I miss him.”

the man simply brought her into his chest as she sobbed. and she cried, and she cried, and all the while he stood there with her in his embrace. it was all he could do, he couldn’t offer her words of comfort just yet because, even now she may be much stronger than he is. because she’s strong enough to live without the promise of his reincarnation. she knows she may never see him again, but won’t risk exchanging her life just so he won’t go through the same thing.

“I miss him so much.” her voice cracked as the words came out, and he ran his hand over her hair.

“I know, I know. I miss him, too.”

#tale of the nine tailed #tale of gumiho #lee rang #lee rang x reader #lee rang imagine #kim bum #kdrama #kdramanetwork #lee yeon #lee dong wook #i wrote the first part two episodes before the final one #so after acting it out in the shower i wrote the bonus part

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miss-choco-chips · 3 years

Text

Bird Watchers

It was something like an open secret in Gotham, that even though all it’s heroes were open to help no matter the situation, each one of them had a special affinity to certain matters.

For example, children from all districts knew to yell for Nightwing if they found themselves lost and scared. Small business owners often painted little Oracle symbols on their doorsteps, to warn away possible thieves with the knowledge that Gotham’s cryptic hacker had their eye on them. Working girls would send a quick prayer to the Red Hood before seeing their seediest clients; and as such, knew who to call for if things took a turn for the worst.

And Red Robin… well. His was a very specific bunch.

---.---

Warnings: depression, suicide attempts, overdose comic-typical violence (discussed, not explicit). Hurt-comfort all the way, baby. There’s also one scene, with the redhead, that I copied from the comics.

(it’s almost 2 am, I wrote half of this in one go, don’t @ me for mistakes. I’ll edit tomorrow. Maybe.)

---.---

The first time he stopped a suicide, he had just turned thirteen. The suit still felt wrong, too loose in all the places where Jason’s bigger presence would have been a better fit. Too small, too brainy, not brash enough, not good enough.

He would never think himself worthy, but he was all Batman had. There were no other candidates, not ones he could have thrown the job at without risking Bruce’s identity, so he’d have to make do.

But even so, he had been gaining a little confidence over the past few months. His training with Shiva, and Dick’s and Bruce’s focus on making him as ready for the streets as humanly possible, had ensured he never encountered a situation where he couldn’t handle himself, or get back up in time to avoid any casualties.

Except for right now.

“Hey! Don’t do it, please!”

Yeah, maybe yelling at the man precariously balanced on the edge of a how many feet tall building wasn’t his wisest moment. He’d berate himself later. Now was freak out time.

Said man stumbled for a second before regaining his footing and turning to look at Tim. He couldn’t be more than forty, with a bit of an overgrown beard and tired eyes. He had something clutched in one hand, tanned and calloused from work, the other over his chest, probably due to the scare of having a bat suddenly appearing behind him.

“R-Robin…”, he gasped, shook out of whatever reverie he was going through for a second. “W-what… I mean, why are you…?”

‘Okay, Tim, breath. Can’t call B, he’ll notice, get startled and jump. Can I catch him if he does? My grappling hook is made to withstand more than my weight, but if I can’t handle the strain of swinging us both to safety…’

He couldn't risk it.

“Good evening, Mr…?”

Surprise and good manners made the man automatically answer, “Ed. Ed Harrinson.”

Encouraged, Tim took a tiny teeny step forward. Ed’s entire body shock and he leaned backwards. Tim froze, fear keeping his breathing and heartbeat hostages for the time being, stopping the first and kick starting the second.

“Mr Harrinson, I’d like to ask you to step away from the edge? I’ll call an ambulance for you, and…”

“No!”, the man screamed, suddenly over his surprise, a look of determination trying to masquerade his obvious exhaustion. “If you call an’one, I’ll jump.”

Tim wisely kept the ‘you were gonna do it anyway’ to himself. He nodded slowly, hands emerging from the confines of his cape to show Mr Harrinson the lack of a communication device.

“I won’t, then, but may I come closer? Please?”

It was on the last word, high pitched and wavering, that the man cracked. With wary demeanor, he waved him over, pointing to a patch of rooftop a little far but close enough for Tim to feel comfortable- or as comfortable as he’d get, in these circumstances.

As he approached, he could feel the man analyzing him. The little gasp when he stood by his side didn’t go unnoticed.

“You are… smaller than I imag’ned. Too small for a bat. My boy’s taller than you” he mused, likely to himself, but Tim grasped onto that bit of information and clutched at it with both hands, desperately.

“I’m short compared to my peers, so maybe I’m the same age as your son. How old is he?”, he asked, in his most conversational tone. Fear still had a grasp over both his lungs and heart.

Something in the man’s face shifted.

“He… he just turned fifteen.” Older than Tim, then. Ed continued, “He’s… ”, in a second, the sadness was replaced by pride, “he’s grown up p’tty well, if I say so m’self. A fine young man, that kid. He’ll go places.”

For a beat, Tim tried to imagine his own dad here. As much as he’d hate to see Jack in Mr Harrinson’s place, he couldn't help but wonder if he’d be talking about him the same way Ed spoke about his son.

He… didn’t think so. If on the verge of death, thoughts about his son would probably be the farthest from his dad’s mind.

“You sound like you love him very much. He’s a lucky guy” he said sincerely, a tendril of hopefulness still twisted around his stomach. His hands weren’t shaking any longer, finding solace in the fact that the man in front of him didn’t look like he was about to jump right that second.

Mr Harrinson’s face fell.

“Got served an’ unlucky hand, with an old man like me”, his eyes went back to the abyss, to the empty, poor litten streets below them. “Go ‘way, kid. Leave m’ be. Notta business what I do. Gotta do this f’r my kid.”

Fear came back, full force.

“I- Sorry, but I can’t help but think about your son”, he blurted out, the only bit of information he had about the man was his only tendril of hope. “Someone who loves his child as much as you seem to must be a good father. A father that… would be missed dearly, if lost so young.”

Mr Harrinson looked even more devastated. Tim was doing this all wrong, wasn’t he?

“There’s no other way t’ keep’im safe!'' he yelled, and for a minute Tim thought he had decided to jump then and there. Instead, he dropped to his knees, hands to his head, paper still clutched in one fist. “They’ll get to him if I don’t! Once I’m dead, they’ll just leave’im alone!”

Tim crouched next to him, tentative.

“Who is ‘they’, sir? Maybe I could help…”

Ed was already shaking his head.

“Nay, they said not to go to the bats. Kill my boy, they will, if I do. Seen them offing others for less, so I believe them.”

“Ah, but I’m too short to be a bat, am I not?” he smiled, wobbly at best but sincere. “Besides, who’s gonna tell them you spoke to me? I”, he gestured to his mask, “know how to keep a secret.”

He considered for a beat, before tired shoulders fell, defeated. He offered the slip of paper towards him, unseeing eyes on the street below.

Robin read the note carefully, noting the sloppy penmanship and cheap paper as well as the message itself.

“Mr Harrinson…”

“I know”, he whispered, “I know working for the Black Mask wasn’t my best idea. But m’boy needed to eat, and the landlord was gettin’ impatient. And now, for whatever reason, boss wants me dead. And if I make ‘im dirty his own hands, he’ll dirty ‘em twice and send me with my son for company to the other side. Felix is too young, and he’s good. Can’t let ‘im pay f’ his old man m’stakes, ya hear me?”

Tim thought his words over carefully.

“Mr Harrinson… I don’t think this comes from Black Mask himself”, for one, Blackie wasn’t one to avoid blood on his gloves, nor to send such a shitty note. The man lived for the drama, like most A-listers did, and he’d never forgo the aesthetic of an expensive peachment and beautifully worded threat. Also, if he wanted this man gone, he would have put a bullet in his head the second he clocked in; and if it were revenge he was after, he wouldn't have gotten a warning note but his son’s head sent to him instead.

He folded the paper and put it into one of his multiple pockets, free hand going to the man’s shoulder.

“I know Black Mask’s M.O, mister, and this is not it”, no need to spook him further by describing what it was, though. “Probably just a colleague who wanted your position, or has a grudge for whatever reason. And that, I can help you with. If you work with me on this one, we can both make sure Felix has his Dad making breakfast for him tomorrow morning, and all the days after that. After all”, he smiled, no longer uncertain now that he had firm ground to work with, “your son is going places, and he’ll have to be well fed to reach them, right?”

Mr Harrinson’s smile must have had magical properties, Tim thought. There was no other explanation for the way it returned his breath back to his body.

---.----

The next time he saw a jumper, a few months later, he was slightly more ready for it. Bruce had congratulated him on his work with Mr Harrinson, and the subsequent raid they could make on one of Black Mask’s warehouses thanks to the man’s information, but Tim hadn’t been satisfied until he had read every single mission report on the batcomputer about attempted suicides. And succeed ones, too. Need to know what went well and what didn’t, after all.

So when he saw the fifty-something woman crying on top of a tower in City Hall District, he didn’t almost-crash in his attempt to get there in time. He landed softly, making just enough noise to let her know she wasn’t alone, but careful to not startle her.

“It’s a little cold up here, Lady. If you’d like, I can walk you home?”, he tries for cheeky, despite the cold fear nesting in his stomach like a grumpy, spiteful bird.

The woman, sitting by the edge, turned her head to look at him. The movement called attention to her long, strawberry blonde hair, neatly braided, and her pretty diamond earrings. The face under her perfect make up was gaunt and pale, tear tracks cleaning paths of skin to his trained eye.

Despite him interrupting what probably were very private thoughts, she smiled at his approach, kind and polite. It didn’t reach her eyes, but the intent to put him at ease was generous enough.

“I may be a lady, but any adult worth their salt would insist on walking the young child home, instead of the opposite. Besides”, she patted the rooftop under her,” I live here, so it’s not a long walk at all.”

Tim stepped closer, carefully.

“May I sit?”

“I could use the company for a bit”, she accepted, head turning back to the city below.

They sat there for a few minutes in silence, before Tim’s soft voice broke it again.

“Is there anything I can do to help convince you not to do it? Please?”

The lady smiled. “You are a very sweet boy.”

“That’s… not an answer. Can I at least know why?”

“Won’t it torment you, in the future, if we speak now?”, she asked a question of her own, turning to face him again. Despite her words, there was nothing but kindness in those deep green eyes. “If you don’t know me, I’m just another one who jumped. If we talk, I’m afraid I might stay with you long after I’m gone. You are too young for that kind of weight.”

Tim swallowed.

“That’s easily solved, Miss;”, Dick’s rule of thumb; if unsure, always call a lady Miss before Mrs “don’t do it.”

She spared him a long, meaningful look, and he slumped over.

“Not my best, I know, but I’m kinda freaking out now?” She wasn’t like Mr Harrinson, no motive he could see, no strand to pull and unravel her pain. “Please, just… why?”

She patted one of the hands gripping his own knee. His other hand rushed over hers, sandwiching her cold, slim fingers between his gloved palms.

“There’s nothing left for me. I have a nice job, live in a pretty side of town, have friends, and still… it feels so empty. So… Meaningless. Why even bother?”

Tim chewed on her words silently. He was way out of his depth. A tangible, physical problem? He could solve those, no biggie.

Depression, though… that was a different giant to tackle. Was he even prepared enough to?

A strong gust of wind made the lady with braided hair shiver. Without thought, Tim unclasped his cape and draped it over her slim shoulders.

“Aren’t you cold?” she asked, head tilted like a curious woodland animal. Tim felt strongly protective of her, of this kind, sweet lady, who said she had it all, except the one thing that mattered to her.

“I’m used to it”, he shrugged. “This suit is very warm, but cold air often trickles down from the neckline and… well. Gigs of the job and all that.”

The lady tutted, frowning for the first time since Tim arrived.

“That won’t do, young man. You need a scarf. The nights will only get colder from now on.”

He shrugged again.

“I just… don’t have the time to buy one. And I had one, but… There’s these kids who often hang out by the park, and they were so cold, I just couldn't swing by and ignore them. So I gave them my scarf to share between them. I’m just kinda bummed that I don’t have more to make sure they all stay warm.”

The braided haired lady hummed for a second.

“Well… I knit”, she started, carefully. “I don’t have children or grandchildren to give my final products to, so they’ll go to waste after I’m gone. If you’d take them out of my hands, you’ll do me a favor.”

Tim wanted to say no, unwilling to make this any easier for her, but the chance of getting her away from the edge was enough to quell his voice.

She went and came back within minutes, a big cardboard box balanced over her shaky arms. He rose to help her, meeting the woman halfway through the roof, a good distance away from the abyss.

“This red one would look good with your suit… oh, and the green one, to keep with the theme! Or maybe the yellow one… Shame pink would be such a bad fit for your colors, because that wool is the best I worked with…”

Tim’s hand carefully took said carf out and looked it over. There were about six others in the box.

“I could take this to those kids I mentioned before… It’d still not be enough for all, but more to share between them means less cold.”

She hummed again, looking at the unfinished projects on the bottom of the box.

“If… If you give me a few days…” she muttered. “I mean, I’m in no rush”, a hand vaguely gestured towards the rooftop’s edge. “I could spare a few days finishing those, and you could take them to these kids you spoke about… and maybe, I can help make a few children less cold with this silly hobby of mine.”

Elated beyond words, Tim nodded vigorously, waxing poetry about her work and about just how excited little Ellie would be with this soft, pretty pink scarf.

His patrol route could use a few detours, after all, if that meant keeping Braided Hair Lady away from her roof.

---.----

He was just returning from a late supply run when he bumped into The Cats.

It was in an alleyway, a block off from Mrs Eloise Denvarow (formerly known as Braided Hair Lady). The older woman had caved after three months knowing each other, of Tim passing by her apartment once every other night to pick up her baked goods or knitted masterpieces, to distribute between street kids and working girls, and told him her name. It was said in passing (“Stop with that ‘Lady’ thing, honey. It’s Eloise”), as if lacking importance, when in reality it meant the world to him. Sure, he’d already known, having run a background check on her the minute he came back to the cave after stopping her from jumping, but there was that implicit vow between them, that she wouldn't tell him her name and jump, wouldn’t make him carry its weight on his shoulders forever, so it was… it was a promise, on her end, a reassurance, and Tim wasn’t even embarrassed that he cried in her arms like a baby for ten minutes.

So here he was, a month after that, still riding that high, when the desperate call from below caught his attention.

There were two teens on the dirty ground, nested among cracked bottles and old newspapers. The girl was lying in the boy’s arms, with him screaming for help.

“Robin! Thank fuck!”, he almost sobs, arms visibly tightening around the girl. Tim wants to ask how he knew to call for him, and if the proximity to Mrs Denvarow’s place was luck or not.

But it wasn’t the time to ask.

The girl was pale, which only highlighted the bruises on her face. Someone with a big fist punched her. It doesn't seem likely, considering just how distraught the other kid is, but he checks his hands just in case; fortunately, too small for that kind of damage.

She’s also breathing erratically and, when he puts a gloved hand to her neck, he realizes just how crazy her pulse is.

Fear Toxin? Except Scarecrow is still in Arkham as far as he knows, and even if he had gotten away recently, he needs time to develop his precious chemicals. Joker’s Venom and Mad’s Hatter drugs don’t have quite this results, and Ivy doesn’t usually attack street girls just for kicks; they are also too far from her usual turf for her to be a viable suspect.

So, that leaves very few choices.

“Overdose?”, he ventures a guess, hand already fumbling through the pockets on his belt.

The other boy sobs harder, nodding while looking down at the girl in his arms. Tim gently takes the girl from him to position her straighter, to help her down the vial he finally found in his belt. It was supposed to help flush out any chemical in a few minutes, tops; they usually used it when a new type of Crazy Criminal Drug made its way to the streets and they didn’t have the time to properly prepare an antidote. It was strong, and vicious in its path to devoid the body of any and all external agents, which was why it wasn’t a preferred method; who’s to say the civilian in need of a flush isn’t in some important medicine? The Big Flush, as Dick calls it, lacked any kind of finesse or discrimination.

But it was their best shot right now, so there goes nothing.

There’s silence while they watch the girl’s progress. He doesn’t bother asking if he called for an ambulance; they are obviously minors, probably homeless, and even if the Wayne Foundation takes care of children’s hospital fees, they’d avoid it to keep themselves out of the foster system.

But then, the kid kept talking.

“I… I found her near Grant Park. I… I didn’t know what to do, so I dragged her here. She/” and then he breaks again, hands grasping one of hers, as if letting go meant he was giving up on her and he couldn't bear it.

“Grant Park is only five blocks away,” Tim thinks out loud, mind already a mile away “and Moench’s Row illicit night clinic is about the same distance from there as this place. Why did you bring her here?”

“She… Alley… Oh, her name’s Allison, by the way. And I’m Thomas. Tom.” Introductions, miraculously, seem to do the trick here and calm him down. “Nice to meetcha.”

Tim’s not deterred by his toothy grin, but he has to admit he’s kinda cute. Like, stray cat cute.

Huh. Alley, Tom, cat… Yeah, that checks.

“What happened with Allison?” he presses softly, one arm still keeping Alley up and against his chest, the other hand on her pulse point, taking note of the way the heartbeat seems to be stabilizing. The puking fest was gonna start soon.

“She… It was on purpose.” Tom confesses, eyes going clouded for a while. “She tries to not be home, yknow? I met her in kindergarten, and even then she’d try to hide behind the teacher’s desk in hopes they’d forget about her and close the building with her inside. Anyway, we pretty much live on the streets these days, and Alley… she’s very depressed. I convinced her to see someone a while ago, even stol/ I mean, earned the money for it myself”, he’s quick to correct, eyes glancing up to see if he was smooth enough to cover it; which he wasn’t, but Tim was in favor of letting that small one go, “and they gave her a prescription for antidepressants. She’s been kicking it down the road, but she’s gotten a lot worse and I wouldn't lay off her case about it, so she sneaked back home to get some money from her folks to pay for it.”

By the way the kid looks at her bruised face with unmeasurable guilt, Tim knows she didn’t go unnoticed.

“And… I don’t know. We were supposed to meet up by the Commerce Street Highway, but she was late, so I walked around for a bit and… I saw her there, on a bench. She was/ she was still conscious then, and she told me… she said ‘these aren’t what the doc gave me, but they took the pain away all the same’.” Again, Tom chokes on his own emotions. If he had any free hands, he’d try to put one on his shoulder for comfort. “I don’t even know what she took, or where did she get it from!”

Tim has heard whispers of loan sharks and drug dealres camping toghter by the Fashion Distric, just north of Grant Park, so he can make an informed guess as to how that happened. Also, he now knows what he’ll do the rest of the night, once these kids are safe.

When Tom has gotten a grasp of himself, he pushes again.

“So, why did you bring her here?”

He shrugs, a bit abashed.

“Well… I mean, everyone knows about how Mrs Denvarow is the one giving clothes and food away, and that you help her distribute it. Well, not everyone, but… you know, the street kids. We flagged her building with a yellow skull and everything.”

A yellow skull grafitti, Tim’s mind translates, is the street equivalent of a ‘don’t fuck with this place’ sing. A sort of protective sigil. He wonders how he missed it.

“And… This is kind of your thing, right? So I figured you’d be better prepared to deal with it than some overworked clinic that might even not have enough free equipment to help us. Good think I did, too” he gestures at his friend, whose face is now looking flushed; a sign both of growing health, and of the upcoming puke. Tim’s quick to turn her so her back is to his chest, head tilted down just in case.

As if rehearsed, Alley chose that exact second to empty the contents of her now flushed stomach. Tim would need a sample of that, to catch the responsible dealer.

Tom held her hair away from her face while Tim kept her steady, and she blinked bearily at them after it was done, still not completely lucid but a world away from the girl she was ten minutes ago.

“She’ll still need a hospital.'' Tim informs Tom sternly. The boy had taken his friend in his arms again, softly rubbing her back to help with the uncomfortable ache leftover after puking your guts out. “The Moench’s Row clinic should be able to help with any side effect, but she’s safe for now.”

He nods, thanks Tim again and again and politely refuses his help to take her to the clinic. They part ways, both parties probably thinking this would be the last time they saw each other.

Still, their situation sticks with Tim during the rest of his patrol, and he decides to stop by the clinic, just to check on them. His knuckles still ache from the absolute beating he delivered to the ones who gave Alley the money and sold her the drugs, so he’s in better spirits and hopes to spread it to the kids.

Alley is awake when he visits, and her shy, little smile is enough for the rage inside of Tim to die down. The bad guys dealt with, the civilians safe, everything in its proper place.

He sleeps a bit better that night.

---.----

He almost doesn’t see him.

Actually, he probably wouldn't have, deeply lost into his own head, had the guy been anything other than a redhead. That exact shade of orangy-brown auburn, that he would have to pick up from his workbench at Titan’s tower after Bart had decided to ‘keep him company’ during his all-nighters.

It was ironic, how now he would give anything in the world to have those same strands of hair fucking up his experiments, if only for the impish, ‘please-don’t-kill-me-I’m-an-angel’ smile he would receive in exchange.

“Hey”, he greets, landing softly at the man’s right, sitting a few feet away from him, too tired to even stand up on common ground. “What’s happening?”

He shouldn’t be doing this. He really, really shouldn’t. His own mental health was less than stellar, and even thinking about it made him feel worse. He didn’t deserve to feel bad, not when civilians were in the hospital after his latest fuck up, Cass was missing, Cassie barely hanging in there, the family a mess with Damian’s lovely introduction, and… well. Every other person he knew…

Point being, there must be someone else, in a better inner place, that could speak to this guy. But since no one seemed to be patrolling this route, Tim could only hope to stall him long enough for a more capable vigilante to show up.

The guy looks startled, then angry. He has green eyes, he notices, under the glasses. Not sure why that sticks to him.

“What are you doing here? You’re not going to try to stop me, are you? You’re not going to swing down and catch me in mid air or something, are you?”

He seems defensive, but Tim notices a bit of hesitancy. He has worked with less.

(He wishes he had more energy to do more with what little he has)

“No. If I did, what’s to stop you from doing it again later, or tomorrow? I can’t be with you every second. If you want to do this, you are going to, no matter how much I don’t want you to. And I don’t want you to, just so we are clear.”

The guy still looks suspicious, but he hasn’t taken that last step forward, so… a win?

“I just needed to sit down for a minute. ‘been thinking about all the ways I’ve screwed up lately, and…”

Auburn-hair deflates a little, turning away from Tim to examine the night sky. “Well, that makes two of us.”

The bat signal lights up the night. His newfound companion looks at it, then him. “Do you need to get that?”

“Nah. Batman will, and if he needs help he’ll call me.” Tim shrugs. He needs a coffee-power-up. He needs to sleep. He needs for his loved ones to not be dead.

He needs to see if there’s anything he can do for this guy.

“So, do you want to tell me why you’re doing this? So someone can go to your family and friends to let them know?”

After all, if it was him who did it (and… wasn’t that food for thought?), he’d like Bruce and Dick to know why. To not… to not blame themselves.

Redhead looks annoyed again. Uh. A short fuse, this one.

“Don’t try any psychology, or try to make me feel guilty about hurting anyone… this isn't about anyone but me.”

He shouldn’t say it, but… “That’s pretty naive, but whatever. Tell me anyway.” He smirks a bit, then “Unless you’re in a hurry or something.”

He hears the guy (he really should ask his name) as he tells his story. A cold, clinical part of his mind recognizes the symptoms described almost unconsciously by the guy as depression. He would know, after all. The other part of him, the part that made him Robin, that made him human, discarded the label; there was much more to this guy than his illness, and he would treat him like it.

“So here I am,” he finishes, now sitting side by side with Tim, both their legs hanging above the bustling city. “Now’s when you tell me how stupid this is. That other people have much bigger problems, there’s hunger and war, and I’m weak because my problems are nothing next to stuff like that.”

Tim thinks of a father, desperately thinking his death would save his son’s life, when in fact it would have only made it worse. He thinks of a woman, so full of love and warmth, looking into the abyss and feeling empty inside. He thinks of a couple of kids, one hanging to life with nails and teeth, the other hanging to her just as fiercely.

He thinks about himself. About looking at a future version of himself, hating what he sees, and deciding to drown the bud before it can even flower. He thinks of sickly green water, of cloning equipment in a laboratory, of a phone falling to the ground after delivering him with more bad news.

He’s still in a bad place, still probably not the most capable person to be doing this, but a part of him is sure this is the right answer. The only answer.

“No. Your problems are worse than anyone else’s, because they are yours. I’ve... felt bad like you have, and some pretty bad things have happened to me.”

Red hair looks as tired as Tim feels, so it’s a surprise that he has enough energy to glance at him worriedly, hand stretching a bit in his direction in a half-formed attempt to comfort.

“You guys make it look so easy, swinging around, having fun… Things get bad for you, too?”

Tim looks down, and smiles. It’s a sad, bitter thing. He thinks about parents lost before ever connecting to them, about a girlfriend going away, a sister lost to the madness of their lives, about two best friends gone, one even dying in his arms.

He gives no details. Doesn’t talk about it all, just shares a little bit of himself. It’s only fair, after hearing about this guy’s demons. Misery loves company, doesn’t it?

“So what do you do? How do you deal with it?” the guy asks when he’s done, looking at Tim by the corner of his not-very-dry eyes.

Tim forces himself to remember. “One of the things I’ve learned is that it gets bad for everyone sometimes, Superman, Batman… everyone. I remember that I’m not alone, that things do get better. Sometimes on their own, most times when you work at them. And when I have trouble remembering those things, I find people to talk to.”

Most of those were dead, but Tim is hit with the epiphany that not all of them are. He still has people. He still…

“And you’ve got people like that? That you can talk to?” asks the guy, tone both worried and hopeful. Tim stands up, does his best to look calm.

“Yeah. Your folks, and old friend, even a trained counselor you’ve never met before… someone who has a totally different perspective because they’re not as close to your problems as you are. Maybe they give you advice, and that’s great… or maybe they just listen. Sometimes, that’s all you need. Anyway, that’s how I deal with it when things suck. And it works. Want to come down from there and give it a try?”

The guy gets back to his feet, as Tim watches from behind. Having been in this situation before, the fear grabbing a hold of him isn’t new, but it's different. He thinks he's too worn down. It takes the edge off of any emotion.

Except hope. Hope still hurts like a sharp knife when it’s snatched away. He prays it won’t be, right now.

Green eyes (Jason- that’s who they reminded him of) look down, deep in thought. Then he turns, smiles at Tim. There’s hope in him too.

“Yeah, why not?”

They get down together. He gives him a few numbers and they have breakfast together. The guy promises to call his English teacher, at least. Tim promises himself to call his brother.

At least, he still has Dick.

---.----

He’s been putting off doing his rounds since he came back, he knows. But…

It changed him, a bit. Going around the world, dealing with his grief while staying on his toes, ready to break down one second and having to field off attacks from all sides the next, with the Demon’s honeyed whispers echoing in his ear and mind.

He’ll never tell anyone, just how tempting it had been. How much he had wanted to reach for that offered hand. To lay his head on someone’s shoulder and let the responsibility bleed from his.

Tim will never tell anyone, but he’ll always know. And it’ll always make him hate himself a little bit more.

So, he’s different now. And he’s scared- that the people he gave hope to, that he talked with, that he could never stop thinking about, even halfway across the world- that they won’t like this new, worn down him.

That Mr Harrinson the Good Father, Braided Hair Lady and her sweaters, the inseparable Stray Cats, the girl with the bright yellow cardigan, the kid with the scarred wrists, the woman with beautiful star-like freckles that she’ll hopefully pass on to her baby, the gentle giant man with calloused hands, the petite but fierce young teen with defiant eyes and dead name, the soft spoken girl with the loudest laugh, auburn-haired boy and his hopeful and sympathetic green eyes… and so, so many more. They all knew him, maybe not at his best, but certainly better than now. The boy that kept them from jumping had been a bright, magical Robin. The teen that came back to their city was dark, weary Red Robin. It felt kinda like he had cheated them, returning this broken version of himself to their doorsteps.

But he had to go check on all of them. Even if Cass (and it was such a relief, that even after he lost everything else, the return of his sister could at least be a speck of light in the mist of misery surrounding him) had promised to do so, there were so many of them… and she couldn't possibly remember everyone, all the time. And if anyone had fallen through the gaps… if anyone had stood on a rooftop, waiting for their Robin to save them, only to think ‘nobody cares’ as he didn’t show up…

Tim gets sick only thinking about it. If it did happen, then he needs to know. He has to carry their names with him, that’s the least he can do for failing them.

So he’ll go check on them… anytime now. Soon. The moment he gathers enough energy to climb back to his feet and get his grapple hook out.

...The city looks full of life, beneath him. Like it feels the return of its Knight. The end of the internal quarrel among it’s vigilantes, that almost tore it all apart. The relief in Nightwing, the hesitant peace in Red Hood, the mellowing of Robin.

(He was feeling poetic tonight, in the worst ways)

Maybe it also feels Red Robin’s emptiness. Maybe that’s why it's so lively down there, like the ground is calling to him, just as it did when Ra’s broke the window with his body.

He thinks... he won’t have to check on anyone, if he jumps. And that way, there will be no name to carry with him to his grave.

“Robin!”

“Stop!”

“Don’t do it, please!”

He startles. Hadn’t even noticed when he got to his feet, nor that one of them was hanging over the abyss. The fact that he wasn’t alone on that rooftop any longer hadn’t even breached his usually perfect spatial awareness.

They didn’t call for him, but the voices sounded distraught, they were close, and he was a former Robin, so he turned around, tired, but with obedience and service too ingrained in him to consider denying help to whoever it was.

It turned out, he wouldn't need to go make his rounds any longer. His rounds had come to him.

There were… too many people on this roof. It was way too crowded.

“Robin!”

It was one voice now, not a mixture of them, so he could identify the one yelling his former alias. Allison broke from the mob of people (and there were more still, filling in from the open rooftop door, like a never-ending stream…) to run to him, looking like she might have just jumped into his arms, if not for Tom clutching her hoodie to stop her a few feet from him. Good move, considering he was still balancing precariously on the edge.

“Alleycat?” he whispered, a little blown. She looked so different (magenta looked amazing on the tips of her hair, and she totally pulled off that lip piercing), but he’d recognize those eyes anywhere. He’d been so relieved, when she first opened them after that dangerous overdose.

“We were so fucking worried, dude”, came from Tomcat just behind her, still gripping her hoodie (still keeping her safe; some things never change).

“I…”

“Where were you?” Maddie, not longer yellow but still wearing a cute cardigan, stepped up too.

“I’m… I’m not Robin”, he blurts out. They… knew it was him? It… like, obviously there was a new Robin, Damian was (still, but probably not for much longer) smaller than him, but to immediately know that he was…

“Yeah, no shit. I’d know that long hair and noodle limbs of yours anywhere, kid. Known you too long to be fooled. And the new kid’s really trigger happy with that lon’nife of his... You’re still the Robin I prefer, and fuck if I understand the name passing you heroes do” Mr Harrinson spoke from the back of the crowd, one hand clutching his kid’s shoulder, the other arm around…

“Braided Hair Lady?”

Eloise smiles at him, soft and warm as ever, a little shy when his eyes go to the arm hugging her close and back to her. He recognizes some of her handmade scarfs around the necks of plenty of people on the roof.

“I… wasn’t aware you all knew each other.”

A petite young teen steps forward, walking until they were shoulder-to-shoulder with the Strays.

“Most of us met through the app, and then introduced the others. There’s more, of course, but not everyone could meet here. Samantha’s baby was born just two months ago, so she chose to stay home, but we promised her pictures, so you’ll have to say cheese soon birdboy. Also, I found my name. I’m Cal.”

Allison’s smile broadened and she sneaked an arm around Cal’s waist.

“They are the new Straycat. Calico cat’s are the cutest shit ever, aren’t they?”

Well… Having someone as badass as Cal watching Tom and Alley’s back would sure make Tim feel a lot better about both kids being out in the streets.

Were they still on the streets? He’d need to find out and fix that, soon.

Then it hit him. “What app?”

Auburn-hair smiled from his place, at the front of the crowd just behind the Cats.

“Felix over there,” he pointed over his shoulder at Mr Harrinson’s son, who smiled shyly at Tim, eyes shining in gratitude and admiration like they always did when Tim did his rounds and checked on his dad, “defended you in a GothamHeroes forum once. Some bratty douchebag was complaining about you landing over his car or something and this kid went for his fucking troath.”

“I was in that chat too,” spoke Tom, smiling a little too savagely for a kid that sweet. “He tore the idiot to shreds, speaking about how you saved his dad’s life and took it upon yourself to make sure he was still okay even weeks after you met. I mentioned how you saved Alley and Mrs Denvarow, we exchanged numbers… then we met Cal during one of our rounds handing out Mrs D’s scarfs and food. They were weary of everyone else, but trusted us because they heard you talk about the clothes and baked goods... And Cal’s friend Gina worked with Samantha on the streets and told them about her story...”

“Soon, it seemed like people personally saved by you were just… popping out of the snow like daisies” Blair laughed, and it was still the loudest, brightest noise. The night seemed a little clearer, the air a little fresher for it. “Felix made his own private chat and added us, and we added everyone else we knew… The word went around about it, and more and more people joined in…”

“It’s really a wonder how you had any time to fight crime, seeing how often you were apparently comforting jumpers on the roofs” Ailbert, still as gigantic and gentle as always, raised a hand from the middle of the group. He had a little girl on his shoulders, probably the baby niece he had taken in after his sister’s death.

“Then the new kid appeared and Gotham went to hell on a basket, and no one saw you around any longer”, Elijah, wrists no more scarred than the last time he saw him, his arm tangled with Maddie’s, went on. “We were… well, we were a bit confused.”

“Speak for yourself, Cal jumped Red Hood one night, held him at knife point and demanded to know what the fuck happened to our Robin. We were like, zero chill.”

“Sorry, they did what?” Tim was definitely in the twilight zone now.

“No thoughts, head empty, only murder”

...Tim needed to give Jason a quick call. Also sign Cal up for anger management. And probably, judging by the way both Alley and Tom were looking at them, get one of the adults to give them the talk.

Mrs Eloise smiled at him, and like always it served to calm his nerves. That woman was a different kind of magic than Alfred, but magic indeed. “Anyway, dear, what matters is that we were worried about you. And then this incredible young man, Aaron,” she waved at him, and he winked one of his green eyes in response, “suggested we kept in closer contact with one another, so anyone who spotted you could inform the others.”

Aaron shrugged, his auburn mane of hair bobbing with the movement. “It just seemed like it’d be easier to have an alarm set up, since messaging everyone would take so long… and then someone suggested making a map of Gotham so we could have clearer routes for the kids handing out Mrs Denvarow’s stuff… and someone wanted a shared blackboard to write theories on where the fuck you were with others… and a few demanded a space to share photos, possible sightings or old selfies with you… It kinda spiralled and I thought it’d be less of a chaotic mess if I made an app that could do all of that, instead of all of us using multiple apps for the different fixtures everyone asked for… Since this is Gotham, we also added some Rouge Alarm for whenever a criminal was set loose. It helped keep us safe, and if we knew when crime was happening, we could pay attention to which heroes answered the call…”

“And then, you fought that firefly guy the other day”, Felix said, still by his dad’s side, still looking as awed as ever when looking at tim. “I was in the crowd, and I recognized you within a minute.”

“I don’t really understand technology that well, and the group chat was such a mess that day” Ailbert lamented, but he was still smiling. They all were.

That hit Tim then, hard.

They all looked so happy to see him. To have him back. They had been waiting for him to be back, banded together to make sure they’d all know when he did.

“You looked so sad the last time we saw you” Blair added softly, sadly. “And… when you saved Aaron, you told him about such sad things…”

Elijah winced “And I heard the Midnighter fell from Wayne Tower a few weeks ago, but then he was never seen around again, and your suit looks kinda similar, so that was probably really you… and, that fall…”

“We were very worried” repeated Eloise, but her eyes didn’t lose their warmth. “But you’re back now, and we can keep track of you and each other now, so it’s all good. It’s wonderful to have you back, love.”

This was an out of body experience.

Something must have shown on his face, because Cal snorted.

“We adore you, you dumbass. You are our hero.”

Alley smiled. “You are our Robin.”

Tim fell into her arms, and away from the roof’s edge. The rest of the crowd was upon them in seconds, all eager to pat his back or joke about the cowl hiding his hair from their hands.

He met eyes with Aaron, over Alley’s shoulder. He looked like the hope Tim had helped plant in his heart all those months ago had flowered, and the petals filled his heart.

(He was feeling poetic tonight, in the best ways)

“You should download the app too, so you always have someone to talk to. Look it up. It’s called BirdWatchers, because we’ll always look up and out for you. Because when we wanted to jump, you lended us your wings to fly instead.”

It was like this fucker wanted Tim to cry.

“Welcome home, Red Robin.”

#My writing #Tim drake #batman fanfic #red robin #trigger warning:#depression #suicide attempts #discussion of suicide #overdose #mental illness #hurt comfort #Tim doing the comfort and being the hurt #until he gets the comfort #happy ending #wholesome #I swear the tags are scary but it IS wholesome #Tim drake centric #my writting

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emmelineparker308 · 4 years

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Father Dearest Part 7

Series Masterlist

Fandom: Harry Potter: Golden Trio Era

Pairing: Harry Potter x reader

Summary: Your third year at Hogwarts is about to start and with it come a lot of new changes. Harry, your best friend, and crush is in trouble from some man named Sirius Black. You try desperately to keep Harry safe but what happens when you find out some heartbreaking, mind-shattering information about your father?

Warnings: Angst, and suicidal ideations

A/N: I want to thank everyone for the support and the love you have shown this series. I started it on a whim and didn’t realize that you all would like it this much. Thank you to everyone who’s been asking to get tagged, commenting, reblogging, liking, and sending me private messages. You guys are honestly my biggest motivation and inspiration to keep writing! Thank You genuinely from the bottom of my heart!

Previously on Father Dearest: That night you decided that it was better to stop all the pain, all at once. You climbed up the Astronomy tower stairs, having to stop every two steps to catch your breath. Finally, you made it to the top and walked over to the balcony. Upon looking down you were terrified; it was a long way down. However, you knew you had to do it; you couldn’t go on like this. Everyone you loved either hated you or thought that you hated them. There was no going back, you closed your eyes tightly and threw yourself off the balcony.

Before you could jump two strong arms grabbed you and spun you away from the balcony. You fought to get the hands away from you but the more you fought the tighter the grasp held you. “Let me go Moony,” you cried.

“Not in a million years,” he answered. “I did not raise you, your mother did not die for you, your father did not fight for you, in order for you to throw yourself off a balcony.” You wailed although you had no tears left due to dehydration, you still let out a painful cry and before you knew it you passed out.

When you came to, you were laying in a nice warm bed. “You’re awake,” Moony exclaimed as he brought in a tray of all your favorite foods. “Eat,” he commanded but you only wrinkled your nose, your appetite still nonexistent. Moony took the spoon and force fed you a couple of things, and as he cleaned you up, he chuckled.

“What’s so funny?”

“You just reminded me of the times I had to feed you as a child. Once you stuffed everything I gave into your mouth and then sprayed it back at my face,” he laughed fondly at the memory.

“Moony”

“Hmm”

“My dad didn’t kill Harry’s parents.”

Remus turned to face you, the facial expression that held joy a second ago was replaced by seriousness. “I am so sorry, my love.” You had opened your mouth to explain once again that your father was not capable of killing his best friend, but Moony placed a finger to your lips. “I am sorry because for thirteen years I’ve accused your father of a crime that he was incapable of committing. He loved me like his own brother and would have laid his life down for any of ours. I should have known better than to suspect him of this crime. He loved James more than anyone in the world. The evidence was just piled up against him that it blinded my eyes. However now I know who really betrayed Harry’s parents. I’m also sorry because I let you believe for years that your parents didn’t want you. The day I took you in, your mother, she walked up to my apartment in tears and gave me you. She made me promise to let you know that you were loved. She made me promise to raise you with all the luxuries that your parents would have provided for you. I was to love you as a mother and a father. I let her down, she made me promise all these as she breathed her last and I let her down.” Moony finished his monologue and faced you. Your eyes were filled with tears of joy and of sadness, you were so relieved that at least one person believed that your father was innocent. But upon hearing how guilty Moony felt you grabbed his arm and brought him into a soft, warm hug.

Once your sniffling went down, Moony forced you to drink some of his dreamless sleep potion. He claimed that for at least one night, you needed to rest without being haunted by nightmares. After you had taken the potion you laid awake for a while thinking about the events that took place this year. The year that started off on a sort of good news ended up with the man you were hopelessly in love with hating you, the people that you grew to hate for thirteen years being innocent of the crimes you accused them off, and you almost ending your life. Tears stung your eyes as you remembered all these things but before you could wallow in your lonesome Moony was by your side.

“Please don’t cry sweet child. You have cried enough for one lifetime. I promised your mother that I would never let you cry. Please don’t,” he whispered as he held you close to him.

“Can you tell me about them?” you drowsily state.

You heard Moony’s chuckle as he started telling you about your parents. “They were a troublesome duo. Your parents met during our first ride to Hogwarts. They were mischievous even then. Although back then they weren’t romantically involved. Your mother was such a great woman, kind, compassionate, as well as funny and brave. She stood for what she believed in and never once let anyone bully her into changing her view on anything. It was her third year when she found out about me being a werewolf. She held that secret close to heart, she would brew me all sorts of healing potions around the time of the full moon. Did I mention she was brilliant and beautiful? It was our fourth year that your father realized his true feelings for her. But like most teenagers they walked around their feelings for years. It was heartbreaking and nauseating at the same time. Your father was very handsome himself so you can imagine the effect he had on the girls at school. It used to drive your mum mad,” you could hear the smirk in his voice, “She once went after a girl who slipped a love potion into sirius’s cup with a bat. We caught her before she was able to hurt the girl, by the way. Then, our sixth year rolled around and it was as if everything changed. Sirius and your mother finally confessed their feelings for one another, Lily and James decided to give it a try. The darkness around us was brewing and perhaps because of that we all grew up fast. By the end of the seventh year James proposed to Lilly and Sirius proposed to your mum. We had a double wedding within weeks of graduation. And then a year or so later we were blessed with a god daughter, and god son.

Hearing the happy stories of your parents and their friends, for the first time in months, you went to sleep with a smile on your face.

---------------------------------------------

“I told him,” Hermione said casually.

“You did what?” you almost screamed making Hermione jump a bit.

“I had to”

“’Mione the whole reason I told you was so that you’d stop bothering me, and you promised to keep it a secret,” you whisper yelled at her. You both were talking behind a hidden passageway, one that you were sure the boys knew nothing off. You started to notice that every time Hermione was cordial with you in public, the boys (mainly Harry) would be cold towards her. This, of course, lead to you insisting that you meet away from prying eyes. Hermione had laughed at the idea, saying that we are not lovers to meet in secret but at your insistence she caved.

“He needed to realize the impact his actions had on you,” she firmly said, and then took your hands in hers. “For Godric’s sake (Y/N/N), his words and actions made you want to end your life.” A tear had fallen from her eyes as she said this, it terrified her to even think about that night. To think about what would have happened if Lupin hadn’t gotten there on time.

“What did he say?” you asked letting curiosity get the better of you.

Hermione let out a deep breath, you almost told her to not say anything to you, not wanting to hear the cruel words you were sure Harry had said. “Honestly, he didn’t say anything. He stayed silent for a long time, so long that I thought someone had cast a Body Binding curse on him. Then, he just got up and left for his dormitory. Ron told me the next day that he hadn’t slept the whole night. Ron was sure he was crying, said he heard him sniffle all night. In the morning Harry said he wanted to find you and apologize. But since you don’t seem to ever be in the common room, and you appear and disappear so quickly during class times, he hasn’t gotten the chance.”

Hermione eyed your expressions; you were taken aback that Harry wanted to apologize. You were also kind of ashamed that you thought so lowly of him. “Well ‘Mione, if he really wanted to apologize, he would have found a way to get to me,” you responded.

“(Y/N/N) he stayed up all night two days ago hoping to see you sneak into the common room after everyone left. He didn’t believe me when I said that you haven’t slept in our dorm in weeks,” Hermione stated with a bit of curiosity hidden in her tone. Much to her disappointment you refused to answer the question that was hanging in the air, and reluctantly Hermione left to go to the Gryffindor Tower.

After the incident at the tower Moony didn’t want you out of his sight. And frankly speaking you didn’t want to be near the students either. Moony had someone (house elves) fetch your essentials from the girls dormitory and you moved into his quarters. You ate, slept and studied in there. You would go outside of that sanctuary only for classes and your daily visits to Hagrid and Blackie.

Ah, yes, poor Blackie. You felt bad because now that you moved into Remus’s room, your nightly cuddles with the beautiful dog stopped. Not only that, Blackie was subjected to listening to all of your feelings. You had tearfully mentioned to him about your field trip to the Astronomy Tower balcony, and he was crying in pain as well. That entire day he followed you around, granted you were walking around the edge of the forest, but still he refused to leave your side until it was time for you to eat dinner.

--------------------------------

The visits to Hagrid’s hut were quiet depressing. He tried to be in good spirits but with Buckbeak’s sentencing and his professor job not going as greatly as he had hoped his mood was flat almost all the time now.

“Hagrid, why don’t you sit?” you asked the friendly giant of a man. He was bustling around his hut, trying to seem busy so that you weren’t able to see his tears.

“Nah (Y/N/N), I got to make ‘ou a cuppa tea,” he muttered out, trying to speak in a low voice so you wouldn’t detect his voice breaking due to pain.

“No, Rubeus Hagrid, I am commanding you to sit down,” you forcefully state as you pull at him. Your force was no match to the half- giant, you knew that but Hagrid obliged anyways. “Now you sit, and I’m going to make you a cuppa tea.” You got to work on the tea, and at first it was a bit hard, Hagrid’s pots and pans were made for him, it was quite heavy for a normal human to pick up. But soon you had a nice cup of tea poured out for him, and as he was enjoying that you whisked your wand and cleaned around his hut.

“Ya know I coudda done ‘hat,” Hagrid protested.

“Ah, you see Hagrid that’s the beauty of having people care for you,” you sass “they do things for you, even though you are very well capable of doing them yourself, because they like you.”

Hagrid smiled and looked at you for a minute. “You’r so much like your mother.”

His eyes and yours widened at this statement. “I shouldn’t said ‘hat. I should not have said ‘hat,” he fussed.

“It’s okay Hagrid,” you reassured him. “I know about my parents.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, I found out that day at Hogsmeade. And just so you know, no matter what you believe, my father did not betray the Potters. He could never,” you tearfully state and before Hagrid could say anything you ran out of his hut.

“ (Y/N/N), wait,” you heard a voice call from behind you. Though the owner of that voice hasn’t spoken to you in months, it was still one that you would recognize anywhere. Hearing his voice only made your steps increase in speed, you were upset and crying, you were vulnerable, and this was not a form you wanted him to see you in. “(Y/N/N) please,” you heard the desperation in his voice as he was closing in on you. You felt silly, running away from him like this, when you spent weeks and months hoping this would happen.

“Please,” Harry stated as his hand grabbed hold of your wrist and brought you to his chest. He held you there for a minute, tears coming from his eyes, and yours. The scent of vanilla and pine cones filled your senses, once again filling you with the calmness you desperately needed. But the calmness left you as the events of the past months flooded your vision. You ripped yourself out of his grasp. Tears of anger and hurt flowed freely.

“What do you want Harry? What do you want now? You think that an apology is going to make everything better? You cut me out of your life, isolated me and made me feel like I was nothing to you. You were hurt, I get that, Merlin’s beard do I get that. I know you better than I know myself, and for a second I let myself think that you knew me better than anyone else. But that’s not true, I hurt for months, for months, I was crying out in excruciating pain and you did nothing. In fact, you did a little more than nothing, you added to the pain. I’m not blaming you for my decision to end my life, that was a spur of the moment, dumb decision that I made. But Harry, hearing you say that I would kill you, sent me over the edge. You know that I would gladly take the killing curse for you, jump in front of anything harming you, but then you still said those words. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to feel?”

You fell to the ground as your monologue left you exhausted, and you sobbed into your hands. Harry, who was dumbfounded at your outburst, fell next to you. He cautiously held you, thinking that maybe you’d not want him to touch you. But when you didn’t move away, he held onto you tighter as he sobbed alongside you. After what seemed to be eons, he cupped your face with his hands and made you face him. “I’m so so sorry. I was hurt and instead of facing my sadness and reality I decided to punish you for something you had no control over. I am so sorry. I never meant any of the words I said and now more than ever I feel like an idiot. I can’t even imagine what would have happened if Lupin hadn’t been there that night. And to think it was from what I said, from the way I’ve been treating you. You tried so hard to talk to me, to reach out. You’ve always been there for me and the one time you needed me I just left you, added to your pain. I’m sorry (Y/N/N) and I know that my words can never make up for how I made you feel. If you want to never speak to me again or hit me or jinx me I understand.”

You sobbed into his chest. You both knew that Harry Potter could do the worst things imaginable and still have the place in your heart reserved for him intact. His apology is all you needed. It was all you were craving, his attention, his touch, his support, and reassurance. It’s all you needed to feel like yourself again.

“If you ever hurt me again Harry Potter, I will jinx you into another dimension,” you sniffle out.

“Never again,” he promised in tears. He brought your face closer to his and without waiting brought your lips to connect with his. You imagined your first kiss to be firework filled, but it was a different feeling. You were filled with warmth but also safety. You felt safe even though you were standing by the forbidden forest in the middle of the night. With Harry’s arms wrapped around you and his lips on yours, you felt the safest you’ve ever felt in your life.

Taglist: @missmulti @may-machin @magicalaquarian @junkersandroadies-son @prongsyy @cute-but-weirdo @lozzybowe @minecraftlover444 @selmeuuh @play-morezeppelin @ilovespideyyy @wecouldbreakthedistance @whothefuckstolemykeds @short-potato @lovestomanyfandoms @loser-lover @must-be-a-weasley-92pepelachanel @lozzybowe @writingmi @lovestomanyfandoms @amanda-rotigliano @sir-lili

#Harry Potter #harry potter series #harry potter fandom #harry potter fanfiction #harry potter marauders #harry potter x reader #Sirius Black #Remus Lupin #remus lupin fanfiction #sirius black x daughter!reader #remus lupin x daughter!reader #golden trio era #golden trio fanfiction #Marauders #marauders fanfiction

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halothenthehorns · 3 years

Text

TLTNL- SNAPE’S WORST MEMORY

Vague note before you read; I don't like Snape. I never switched to honestly feeling anything other than vindictive 'I want to punch him in the face' syndrome for this guy. I never transgressed into the wondering realization he's a good person just because he loved someone. Yes he had a hard life, yes he sacrificed it to protect someone else, but I'm sorry, it does not make up for the countless things he does to children. Call it a cover, call it whatever you like, I don't condone it.

Sorry if that disappoints you or you at all disagree, feel free to argue back as I do love differences of opinion and will never scorn anyone for thinking otherwise. At least know I will never put such things into the fic, verbatim anyways, because Harry clearly thinks differently, and this is his story. Like with all other characters who people have different opinions about, all sides will be shown, even Snape's.

HPHPHPHP

Remus glanced at the clock and saw it was getting close to lunchtime, but he decided to keep going now with even the slimmest of hopes Dumbledore would make some miraculous return. He just couldn't imagine it, Hogwarts without Dumbledore?! Even in Harry's second year the idea had trouble him, and the Ministry had caused that one as well, admittedly through Malfoy instead of Fudge, but how on Earth did this keep happening? He forced himself to remember it wasn't right now, Dumbledore was up at the school this moment helping them fight off Voldemort for now, so he had to remain focused on that to begin, and immediately regretted it.

BY ORDER OF THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC

"Oh not another one!" James demanded, though at some point he really should have stopped being so surprised.

Dolores Jane Umbridge (High Inquisitor) has replaced Albus Dumbledore as Head of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The above is in accordance with Educational Decree Number Twenty-eight.

"That's not even, the Ministry can't-" James spluttered. The Ministry decreeing teachers at the school was mind blowing enough, but now apparently they could just assign headmasters to the school! What next, they were going to start put wizards behind the desk at Gringotts?

"I can not imagine this," Sirius groaned in disgust. "That, that kitten stalker behind Dumbledore's desk, and now with total control of the school! Is there anything she can't get away with doing now?"

Remus was so gray in color it was almost terrifying. The image wouldn't even form in his mind, the kind headmaster who had allowed him into the school replaced by that- that- he didn't even have any insults left!

Lily felt petrified for the students well being, she almost couldn't breathe for a moment at the thought of what all she could get away with now in regards to those detentions.

Signed by the Minister of Magic. These notices had been put up in the school overnight, as well as the story spreading of Dumbledore's miraculous escape from said Minister, The High Inquisitor, two Aurors, and the Junior Assistant to the Minister.

"Percy wasn't there when that happened," James corrected. "He'd left before Dumbledore started the fight."

"I'm surprised the school wasn't adding in a whole Auror department to the list, so I didn't correct them," Harry shrugged.

Details of this had gone away with people, such as one girl insisting to another Fudge was now in St. Mungo's with a pumpkin for a head,

"I wish," Sirius grumbled.

but what was surprising was how accurate the rest of their information was.

"How did they know everything?" Harry asked bemusedly.

"The portraits," all four at once reminded him.

Such as the detail that only Harry and Marietta were witnesses, and as the later was still in the hospital wing trying to get her curse removed, Harry was now being bombarded with first-hand account requests.

"There's nothing new," Harry sighed.

When told to Ernie, on their way back from Herbology, he at once assured Dumbledore would be back, and even divulged his own herd information from the Fat Friar, that Umbridge had later been seen trying to get back into the office, but was now bard. Apparently she'd thrown a right tantrum when unable to get in.

"Ha!" Sirius' bark of triumphant laughter was heavily echoed by all of them. It wasn't nearly what the cat barf was owed, but for the smallest moment, they got to enjoy her misery instead of the other way around.

Hermione viciously said how much she'd have loved to seen that. Fancying herself up in the Head's office, lording over all the teachers while being a puffed-up, power-crazy old-

Cut in of did Granger really want to finish that sentence?

"Yes, yes she does," Sirius protested of whoever had interrupted something nice for a change.

Malfoy had come upon them.

"Why am I not surprised," James muttered as he buried his face in his hands, somehow knowing this was only about to get worse with that albino reject involved.

He at once declared he was going to have to take points from both houses.

"Prefects can't take points away from other houses," Remus scoffed.

"I'm sure he's just already been promised Head Boy and was practicing," James rolled his eyes.

Ernie corrected only teachers could dock points from houses that weren't theirs.

"I wonder how many times he's had to be reminded of that when trying to bully little first year Gryffindors," Sirius scowled.

Ron reminding they were Prefects too.

"Actually sometimes I forgot," Harry muttered. After the initial shock, Ron had never made much of a show of it except for a few occasions.

Malfoy agreed prefects couldn't dock their points, also referring to him as Weasel King,

"Clever," Remus sneered with exaggerated sarcasm.

but the Inquisitorial Squad-

"The what?" Remus was interrupted by all four of them, which he found unnecessary as he'd been wondering the exact same thing.

he was cut off by Hermione demanding what that was.

Malfoy pointed to the I silver badge he had on his robes above his own Prefect badge, stating it was a select group hand picked by Professor Umbridge.

"I'm going to cry," Sirius vowed. "I, this, how do they keep managing to make shit up as they go along!"

"I never would have believed the school could turn into something so," James trailed off, without words for how different this place had become from his memory.

The Inquisitorial Squad did have the power to dock points from anyone.

"That just, completely undermines the whole system," Lily rubbed furiously at her forehead, thinking Fudge should be done with it already and rename Hogwarts 'The pre-Ministry of Magic.'

Then he continued with his first though, taking five from Granger for insulting the Headmistress, five from Macmillan for correcting him, five from Potter because he didn't like him,

Harry's eyes had narrowed with every insult Malfoy had given, even after all these years he still managed to find ways to be the most insufferable person in that castle, his only saving grace was he wasn't as bad as Snape and Umbridge, yet.

then five from Weasley for his shirt being untucked,

"Just take a round hundred why don't you, it'll be faster!" Sirius felt like his eyes were going to pop out of his head if he rolled them any harder.

oh, and he'd almost forgotten, an extra ten from Granger for being a Mudblood.

"Nice to know he forgets sometimes," Remus said testily, "I certainly never fail to forget how much of an arse he is."

Ron furiously reached for his wand, while Hermione pushed his arm down and hissed at him not to.

"Is she off her rocker?" Lily snarled. "I'd have cursed him at the start of this already."

"Trust me, none of us would have stopped you," James growled.

Malfoy was uncovered, stating new Head, new times, they'd better be getting used to this. Then they left.

The four turned to the hour-glasses that showed all house points, worrying that this couldn't really be happening,

"I wish I'd thought that for even a second," James shook his head, but he'd long since stopped questioning the depths that woman would go.

but even as they watched, the points shot down. Whereas Gryffindor had been neck and neck with Ravenclaw this morning, now they were both significantly less, as was Hufflepuffs house showing immense drops, the only unchanged one being Slytherin.

Lily looked about ready to pull her hair out in frustration. She couldn't believe such blatant favoritism could continue, the system had been slightly off kilter before and now it was just rampant.

The twins arrived then, commiserating Montague had tried the same thing with them during break.

"What does he mean, tried?" Sirius eagerly demanded.

Ron asked what he meant by tried?

Sirius was so giddy to hear any bout of revenge, he didn't even bother to gloat he'd just mimicked Ron.

Fred said without concern he hadn't gotten all the words out, as they'd stuffed him into the Vanishing Cabinet on the first floor before he could.

All five of them burst out with laughter for this, Harry's feeling a little more forced than he understood why.

Hermione looked shocked, saying they'd get into trouble.

Fred disagreed, at least not until they found Montague, and that could take weeks. Then they declared they still didn't care.

"Did they ever?" Lily rolled her eyes.

"Never been expelled were they," James defended. "Clearly they had some restraint."

Lily wasn't sure how he was able to say that as if it were actually a good thing.

Hermione asked if they ever had?

George said of course, they'd never been expelled.

Without looking up, Remus reached over and put his hand against Sirius' mouth so he could keep going very loudly. Sirius waited impatiently until his hand got tired and he removed it before bursting out anyways, "Lily and James mimicked them!"

"Thank you Blackie, I hadn't noticed," James said blandly, while Sirius crinkled his face in disgust for that nickname.

"Shut up Comet," Sirius snapped back.*

Fred pointing out they'd always drawn the line, George correcting they might have crossed it occasionally, but Fred pointing out they'd never caused real mayhem.

"Honestly, I'm not quite sure why," Remus mock pouted.

"I know I wouldn't have the restraint with the year I've been hearing about," Sirius agreed.

Ron asked about now?

Fred and George simultaneously agreed mayhem was exactly what their new Head deserved.

"I love them!" James declared. "Lily, we need to have twins."

Lily smacked him upside the head even while she was repressing giggles.

Hermione said they couldn't, Umbridge would have them expelled.

"I recall a conversation where they don't care," Sirius said eagerly, wondering how on Earth this could be Hermione's first thought.

Fred shook his head at her naivety, saying they didn't care, they'd leave right now except they wanted to pay their dues to Dumbledore first.

James was still bouncing in his seat like an excited toddler, glee and eagerness to hear what he'd been expecting from the pair of them ever since Umbridge had kicked his son off the Quidditch team. He had no clue what they'd been doing in the meantime, but surmised that the change may well have been they'd finally gotten premises for wherever their shop was to be. Glory this was going to be worth the wait, of that he was confident.

Then George informed them they may want to toddle along to the Great Hall so the teachers could see them peacefully at lunch.

Hermione asked why, and George promised they'd see.

"I'd fear for my life if I were Umbridge," Remus' grin was stretching into one Harry had grown to associate with a Marauder story.

"She hasn't the sense, and I'm almost glad for it," Sirius corrected with the same look in place.

Fred and George disappeared, and Ernie quickly did the same muttering about homework.

"I forgot he was there," Lily snickered. "I wonder how well he knew the twins before this to have such a reaction?"

"Clearly quite well, as he knew to make a run for it," Harry said with a smirk.

Hermione said perhaps they should go get some lunch.

James clucked his tongue at Hermione, Dumbledore couldn't have dragged him away from watching this.

Ron instantly agreed, and the three tried to move in with the rest of the que,

All three boys groaned loudly in agitation, they would have paid anything to get front row seats for whatever the twins had planned, and their boy was walking away from it!

Harry hardly looked upset at their reaction, he was vividly remembering already that they wouldn't have long to wait for details.

but when Harry turned around, he came face to face with Filch. He quickly took a step back, the caretaker was best viewed from a distance.

"Filch is best viewed not at all," Sirius corrected while all of them frowned for what this news could be for. Filch did not single out students for good reasons.

He told Potter the Headmistress wanted to see him.

"Don't call Dumbledore a woman," James rolled his eyes.

Harry at once stupidly said he didn't do it, his mind still on Fred and George.

Lily busted out laughing loudly at the look of chagrin on Harry's face and the three boys affronted look their boy was such a terrible on the spot liar. It hurt their soul.

Filch gave a silent, wheezing laughter at his guilty conscience, then instructed him to follow.

"Don't do it Harry," Sirius said at once.

"And what, run the other way and get in more trouble?" Harry demanded.

Sirius declined answering no matter how tempted he was to say yes, run all the way to Grimmauld place. Who'd have thought he'd ever even think such a thing?

He exchanged a look with Ron and Hermione before doing so, and as they left the crowd, he saw Filch was in an extremely good mood.

"Great, now I'm starting to fear for your life," Remus groaned.

"At least I have the sense to agree," Harry sighed.

He hummed to himself all the way up the marble staircase before informing Potter things were going to be changing around here.

"We've noticed," James said harshly, it had been disturbing him for quite some time.

Harry coldly said he'd noticed.

"Oh good, I thought it had just been us," Sirius tried for a happy snicker, though it was clear how distracted he was he hadn't realized this had been said twice.

Filch continued he'd been telling Dumbledore for years he was too soft on the students.

"And your idea of correcting that was medieval torture," Remus pleasantly reminded. "I'm sure he can understand why normal teachers methods are better."

These filthy little beasts dropping Stink Pellets every which way, they wouldn't have been doing so if they'd known he had the power to whip them raw.

Lily blanched in horror while the boys smiled grimly. They just couldn't believe Filch would ever go through with it, considering how often he'd threatened this and he'd always been laughed off.

Nobody would have been throwing Fanged Frisbees down the corridors if he could've strung them up by the ankles in his office.

"Why doesn't he ever just go for the Heretic fork, that's a grand old torture," Sirius offered in what he was sure was a helpful tone of voice.

"I don't even want to know what that is," Lily shook her head.

When the new Educational Decree Number Twenty-nine came through though, oh he'd be able to do that and much more.

"If he ever goes through with that, I'll give the man his own award," Remus snickered with a bit of an edge, implying it wasn't a trophy kind.

The Minister had even signed an order for the expulsion of Peeves.

"They're going to blow up that castle trying," James said conversationally.

"Hopefully the twins stick around long enough at least see that," Remus said without concern.

Harry was not happy to hear the lengths Umbridge had gone to to get Filch on her side, but he knew they'd pay off considering his extensive knowledge of all the school's secret passages, rivaled only by the Weasley twins.

"While that's true," Sirius sighed, "I still can't find him anymore of a credible threat than his cat. Timing is key in avoidance of him."

He finally stopped outside Umbridge's office, so very familiar to Harry from his many detentions.

"I'd be very pleased if you stopped reminding me of that," Lily hissed, though it wouldn't actually help, as that was ingrained into her being as much as the back of his hand.

The usual pink décor was as eye watering as ever, the only new thing the block of wood on her desk declaring her as Headmistress.

Remus adopted quite a cruel smirk for that was all she could claim, a useless block of wood. The school would never follow her.

Also his Firebolt and the twins Cleansweeps were chained to the wall behind her desk with iron pegs.

Lily raised a brow and stated, "a bit overkill," while James and Sirius looked physically pained at the thought.

She thanked Argus for his fetching Potter, while Harry took a seat. Not knowing what fresh horror to expect,

"I stopped wondering that and now just dread it," Remus grumbled.

he was completely started when she asked him what he'd like to drink.

"Don't do it Harry," James said at once.

"It's probably poisoned," Sirius agreed grimly.

"I just wouldn't accept anything from her on principle," Remus crinkled his nose at the thought, all of them wondering at what she hoped to accomplish by the sudden nicety.

When he hesitated, she prompted tea, coffee, pumpkin juice?

"The most fast acting poison you have," Lily muttered.

He at first refused, but upon her persistence, he picked tea.

She turned her back and made quite a show of pouring it into the cup as well as some milk before turning back to him.

"I'm starting to think that wasn't a joke," Lily told Sirius.

"I never meant it as one," Sirius agreed.

She requested he drink up while they have a chat, but when Harry still only held the cup, she impatiently waved him to try it.

The look on Harry's face was clearly strained, and they could all understand why at having to play niceties at this. The real problem was they couldn't put their finger down on why she was doing this.

He finally raised the cup to his lips, but froze at the last second upon spotting a kitten with very blue eyes, the same shade as Mad-Eye Moody's special eye. He could easily imagine what the old Auror would say to him drinking something from a known enemy.

James's mouth popped open with outrage. "You mean you actually were going to take a sip before you saw that?"

"But I didn't," Harry protested, starting to rub in agitation at his forehead, somehow knowing he'd be quite grateful for this, though not a clue as to why, she hadn't really poisoned that had she?

"At least Mad-Eye left a good impression, even the fake one," Sirius grumbled.

Instead he falsely took a sip with his lips firmly pressed together, and once he had, she asked if he knew where Albus Dumbledore was.

Lily was getting a worse feeling by the second, and she hadn't thought it could be possible, considering his company. "Why does she think you'd know that?"

"No clue," Harry sighed, as always wishing he had a better answer for them.

Harry instantly said he had no clue, and Umbridge went right back to encouraging to drink up his tea.

James kept shifting his weight with heavy unease, wishing she'd stop with the farce of politeness in this drink already, though perhaps that's the only way to be nice she knew, the fake kind. All he really wanted to do was transform her into a teapot and shatter the pieces already.

When she repeated the question but got the same answer, she switched to asking for the whereabouts of Sirius Black.

Remus choked hard, he couldn't even get his full name out, but he didn't need to, it was clear they'd understood.

"No," James hissed, looking nearly faint.

"No, she can't have, there's no way she knew that was you!" Lily protested. "I, you, you've actually been really careful, and smart, and..." she trailed off, because her words gave her no comfort, and it was clear they were going straight past the others.

"Okay, okay," Harry practically yelled to keep their attention before they had an utter panic attack to rival the one screaming in his head. "She doesn't know where he is, that's why she's asking!"

"But why!" Remus snarled, his eyes glued to the words, ignoring how hard it was becoming to breathe from the mounting fear. "She shouldn't have any clue what you know about him, as far as they're concerned he's still after you!"

"Something's changed," Sirius said slowly, and honestly the scariest part to all of them was how hard Sirius was clearly trying to keep up his usual calm in regards to this. "The only thing I can think of was that Azkaban break. Despite their stupid story they published, they realized something wasn't right, and they're trying to find some alternative. The only one they've got is what Dumbledore offered, so if they believe I was out trying to help Harry..." he trailed off with a miserable shake to his head. He had no hope that this change would help him at all, they'd still do everything in their power to bury all this even while looking for someone to blame.

Remus was not comforted, none of them were. It terrified him to keep going, to know what else Umbridge had called Harry up there to ask, though what in her sugar frosted mind made her think he'd answer was beyond him. Most likely she was just looking for a tell, some way to show he was lying to throw him back in detention.

Harry's stomach turned violently, the teacup in his hand shook and he pretended to take another long drink to stall, spilling some over his chin before answering he had no clue to this as well.

James couldn't help his high pitched keening noise. Harry was a terrible liar, they'd well established this, so if Umbridge had any uncertainties before, she'd know now Harry did know something.

Harry recognized that look, and flinched with guilt. He could feel tears stinging his eyes in frustration that he couldn't do Sirius any help, that somehow he was in fact going to make this all worse for his Godfather.

Umbridge was not impressed, saying she knew there had been someone in the Gryffindor tower, all the Floo Networks were being watched, except her own of course.

Harry made much the same noise James just had in distress. Remus gave him a sympathetic look for all the wrong reasons, but all they could think of was how upset Harry was he'd be going the rest of the year without talking to Sirius, something none of them had ever had to do.

Her Inquisitorial Squad was going through all mail, Filch keeping an eye on every secret passageway. If she found one shred of evidence-

BOOM!

"Thank you," Sirius nodded solemnly. "I really wanted her to be cut off."

James had to think hard past his unending worries regarding his brother to recall where or why this noise would be made, and had never yet been more grateful for the twins.

The floor shook, Umbridge nearly slipped off her chair, as both looked in surprise to the door. Umbridge took off at once, and Harry only paused long enough to dump his still full cup into a plants vase before darting after her.

"I'm sure that saved your life," Lily shook her head, they still hadn't ruled out that drink being deadly.

He could hear people running and screaming several floors below.

"Well Harry certainly has an alibi now," Remus muttered.

The source was not difficult to find.

"I'd be disappointed if it was," Sirius rolled his eyes.

One floor down, pandemonium reigned. Somebody (and Harry had a very shrewd idea who)

"Flitwick?" James offered helpfully.

"No, no, Crookshanks must have set something off," Sirius said blandly.

"You're both ridiculous," Remus told them fondly, "obviously it was Ginny."

Harry found a smile somewhere in him for their antics. He couldn't help it, they never ceased to be able to do that no matter how heavy his mind got.

had set off what seemed to be an enormous crate of enchanted fireworks.

"Moony," Sirius pouted, "why do you always get the best parts."

Remus scowled at him, honestly thinking that heart failure over what Umbridge could know had hardly been worth discovering whatever the twins were up to, but merely smacked him upside the head in response.

Dragons comprised entirely of green and gold sparks were soaring up and down the corridors, emitting loud fiery blasts and bangs as they went; shocking-pink Catherine wheels five feet in diameter were whizzing lethally through the air like so many flying saucers; rockets with long tails of brilliant silver stars were ricocheting off the walls; sparklers were writing swear words in midair of their own accord; firecrackers were exploding like mines everywhere Harry looked, and instead of burning themselves out, fading from sight or fizzling to a halt, these pyrotechnical miracles seemed to be gaining in energy and momentum the longer he watched.

Filch and Umbridge were standing, apparently transfixed in horror, halfway down the stairs. As Harry watched, one of the larger Catherine wheels seemed to decide that what it needed was more room to manoeuvre; it whirled towards Umbridge and Filch with a sinister 'wheeeeeeeeee'. They both yelled with fright and ducked, and it soared straight out of the window behind them and off across the grounds. Meanwhile, several of the dragons and a large purple bat that was smoking ominously took advantage of the open door at the end of the corridor to escape towards the second floor.**

Umbridge screamed at Filch to stun them before they could get away while firing off the spell herself.

The others had been far too enraptured listening to such descriptions to dare interrupt, but now that it was clear their details had been shut off for now, they still couldn't quite force words of wonder from their mouths, they were actually stunned stupid by something so spectacular occurring in their old hallways.

"The, twins, managed..." Remus trailed off there, words weren't good enough to cover this fantastic feat.

"These are the best kids ever!" Sirius shouted, his vivid imagination nearly not enough to cover this.

"I don't care what we do, we have to make sure at least this is managed again," James stated in no uncertain terms.

Lily was too busy giggling in agreement to add in.

However, the moment the red spell connected with a rocket, it exploded and tore out a chunk of wall. Umbridge at once turned on Filch and told him not to do that as if he'd suggested it.

"I'm not surprised she blames her actions on others," Lily managed to get out less hatefully than normal considering she was still laughing.

Filch needlessly agreed, being a Squib he could do this no more than swallow them,

"No, but I'd like to see him try," Sirius said with enthusiasm.

but instead went for a broom and tried swatting at them, only managing to achieve setting that on fire.

"Probably his most brilliant idea ever," Remus cackled.

Harry ducked away still laughing like crazy, and found the twins in the nearest corridor listening to the chaos with suppressed mirth.

"They've far more restraint than I would have thought," Lily managed while her shoulders still shook. "I would have expected them to proudly be standing under them."

"No sense when everyone will know who did it, but then you can't prove it," James corrected.

Harry told them he was impressed, they'd put Filibuster out of business for sure.

"Well I should hope not," James couldn't stop smirking. "A little healthy competition is good for them."

George whispered he hoped she tried Vanishing them next, that made them multiply by ten.

Impossibly, fresh and renewed laughter began again in here, now they were all wondering the ways these things could get better the more magic you tried to use on them.

The show continued for the rest of the day, often disrupting classes, though the teachers hardly seemed to mind.

"Because we have the best staff ever," Harry managed in between roaring with laughter.

For instance, when a dragon came soaring through the room, McGonagall blandly asked Miss Brown to go fetch their headmistress without out so much as looking up from her desk.

"I miss McGonagall," Remus wheezed out.

The highlight of all this being Umbridge spent her first day as Headmistress running around the castle covered in soot in her attempt to be rid of the firework, whom the teachers seemed incapable of expelling without her around.

"But of course not," Sirius widened his eyes with mock concern despite a few tears still pouring out of them. "We have no idea what kind of magic is behind these, who knows whose subject they relate to," which only managed to fill the room with even more laughter.

Flitwick had even been seen thanking her for the help, after all, he wasn't sure he had the authority to do this himself, before slamming the door in her face.

Lily nearly fell off the couch in utter hysterics, her infant laughing loudly along the only restraint holding her together.

The twins were the heroes of the common room that night, taking orders from everyone in the school for their own set of Weasleys Wildfire Whiz-bangs. Hermione fought her way through just to congratulate them, and they offered to add her to the list for a discount.

She returned to Harry and Ron to find them watching their bags as if hoping the homework would spring out and do itself.

"Wait, wait," James insisted with a rewind motion, and continued with the most important question yet, "did she buy some?"

Harry just blinked innocently without response.

Hermione offered they could do that later as wheel went whizzing past the window.

"I knew it!" Sirius pumped his fist in triumph. "I knew that one had to have more fun in her life than we'd been led to believe."

Ron asked if she was feeling alright, and she happily informed them she was feeling a bit rebellious.

"I'm so proud," James didn't even have to fake rubbing tears from his face.

"Only took her group getting disbanded to admit it," Harry chuckled.

"Though how she went from an illegal study group to not doing homework as rebellious is beyond me," Sirius said only semi-intelligible from laughing so hard.

Even when he headed up to bed they were still going full strong, a sparkler pausing right at their dorm window to write out Poo.

Harry was starting to get worried none of them had stopped laughing for so long, surely they were all going to run out of air soon, and yet none of them could seem to care. This was far too brilliant and a perfect shot of relief after all the stress they'd been dealing with of late.

He got into bed grinning at what Fudge would think when he heard of Umbridge's first day at Dumbledore's job,

"Probably furious," Sirius said with chipper.

"I can only hope it gets worse," Remus insisted with a grin, though he was flabbergasted how after that display.

and how Fudge would react when he heard that the school had spent most of the day in a state of advanced disruption.

"Oh I'm sure he'll find some way to cover it up, that's what he's best at," James rolled his eyes.

The moment he closed his eyes though, he was back in the long dark corridor of the Department of Mysteries, racing to the black door that opened to his touch.

The smiles slipped right off all of their faces like Snape had just appeared into the room. It felt impossible it should happen so fast, but the reminder of this dream and how deep Harry kept going just couldn't feel any good for them as it only reminded them of Voldemort's unexplained connection, and obsession with this place.

He was inside the circular room lined with doors . . . he crossed it, placed his hand on an identical door and it swung inwards . . .

Remus released a sharp breath, he didn't want to keep going, to find out how far Voldemort had gone inside this place. Whatever Voldemort was after it wasn't a good thing, couldn't those fireworks just wake Harry up again already.

Then he was in a new, rectangular room full of odd ticking sounds with odd specks of light, but he didn't investigate and kept pushing on into the next room, which was the largest yet, as big as a cathedral and filled with enormous rows of small, dusty looking spheres...and he knew this was it, he wanted something in here more than anything...and his scar was hurting-

BANG!

Remus finally sighed in relief, shaking slightly from failed adrenalin in the face of coming within arms reach of this mysterious whatever it was. He glanced up at the others, to see if they had any idea of what to make of that new information, when he saw Harry in a right state.

His face was screwed up tight, once tears of mirth now clearly were burning out from something far more unbearable. It was heartbreaking, to watch him flip so drastically all because his mind was forced to live through so many things at one time, things he couldn't even put into words without fearing something far worse happening than just pain.

Lily was trying to surge forward even still cradling her infant, but James beat her to the punch, trying to make his sitting on the edge of the couch casual even as he hovered over Harry in pure agitation he couldn't be of more help than this.

They all wanted to do more, say something for him, but he seemed paralyzed with pain, and Remus would do anything to help him, and so he did the only thing he could think of.

Harry awoke back in his dorm, confused and angry to hear laughter all around him, Seamus shouting about how cool that was,

"No, no it isn't," James grumbled petulantly as he continued to rub at Harry's back.

Remus agreed, having to fight hard to keep his attention on the book.

all four of them crowded around a window where a wheel and a rocket seemed to have mated.

It took an extra moment for them to reel back and remember what they'd just been laughing so hard about, and Harry wished he could feel more regret for ruining their moment of fun instead of always being the source of a problem with his blasted mind.

Harry did not get up and join them, instead left stewing with disappointment, like he'd been denied a wonderful treat.

Harry forced out a laugh that sounded nothing but hollow to everyone, even his own ears. He almost longed for that feeling now, it would be better than the wash of other things he kept feeling as a constant mention of that place continued to make him sick with worry.

A glittering pink and silver winged piglets was now soaring past the windows of Gryffindor Tower outside, actually catching Harry's attention.

Lily opened and closed her mouth in fasciation, longing to just go back and marvel at the twins magic with these things, and yet never having been less interested in magic as her child fought to retain any sense of normality.

Yet he still could not and join the whoops of joy from those around him, as he now remembered he had an Occlumency lesson the following evening.

"Oh boy," Sirius grumbled distastefully, while Harry somehow managed to look all the more worried about that.

He spent the whole day worrying what Snape's reaction was going to be when he saw Harry had gotten even farther, and his guilt only rose when he realized how long it had been since he'd bothered practicing his Occlumency.

"Can't even blame you," James shook his head pitifully for everything Harry went through on a daily basis, how Dumbledore, Snape, or anyone expected Harry to empty his mind of all that was beyond him.

There had been too much going on since Dumbledore had left; he was sure he would not have been able to empty his mind even if he had tried.

"Honestly understandable," Remus sighed, his heavy eyes hadn't really gained much back with so many sleepless nights in a row from here, he could imagine it being just as bad in the months for Harry with longer to dread on these things than they gave themselves.

He doubted, however, whether Snape would accept that excuse.

Lily made a deep throated noise of agitation, entirely not looking forward to what Snape was going to say to him about this.

He tried to empty his mind during classes, which helped nothing as teachers kept shooting review questions around.

"Well I could have warned you of that," Sirius tried for a smile that still felt forced. They'd gone from roaring laughter to sickened with worry about Harry in the span of a second, and now nothing was being helped by the tense set up of another bout of Snape insults directed at Harry.

He trudged miserably down to the dungeons that night, and was very grateful for the distraction of spotting Cho. She'd been standing there watching the hour-glasses, Gryffindor's was nearly empty.

All five of them made a small little noise of agitation, even at something so small still so pestering as that blasted made up group of Malfoy's.

He asked how she was doing, if Umbridge had given her any grief for her membership of the DA.

Cho said no, but took the opportunity to say she'd never dreamed Marietta would tell on them.

Harry reflected back that Marietta was still in the hospital wing with her pimples and couldn't come up with a response for Cho for that.

All of them felt a vindictive laugh somewhere inside themselves for that, Hermione really was something special.

Cho kept going she was a lovely person, she'd just made a mistake.

James blinked in surprise, and just a little admiration for Cho still standing by her friend like that. He of course wanted to add a few more curses to Marietta for what she'd done to Harry, but Cho had just earned herself a few points.

Harry looked at her incredulously, demanding a mistake? She'd sold all of them out!

"I still wish I had some sort of motive for her doing that," Remus scowled.

"Not one good enough to excuse it," Sirius scoffed.

James and Lily frowned slightly, knowing they more than likely would have defended their friends if they'd done the same thing, but then again, they just couldn't imagine their friends doing this. Cho probably hadn't either, and it really was good of her still sticking with her through that.

Cho insisted everyone had gotten away.

"Thanks to Dumbledore," Remus shook his head slowly, he still wasn't quite sure how to wrap his mind around all of that.

Her mum works for the Ministry,

"I haven't forgotten," Sirius said in disgust with a slight shiver. Miss Edgecombe had nearly been the death of him, he wasn't likely to forget that.

Harry cut off to say so did his friends dad, and he didn't have sneak written across his face.

Cho snapped that was a terrible trick of Hermione's.

"Nah," James smirked, honestly considering this Hermione's best move yet, even trumping what she'd done to Skeeter.

She should have told she'd jinxed that paper.

"Well if she'd done that than hardly anyone would have signed it." Lily rolled her eyes.

"She could have told them all after the fact," Remus offered with a grin.

"Nah, this was much more fun, the person couldn't consider their consequences before they made the crappy decision," Sirius decided.

Cho scoffed that of course if Hermione had thought it a good idea, her eyes now bright.

Harry snapped at her not to start crying again.

"Harry, you do know that does not actually prevent anyone from crying?" Sirius asked him in concern.

Harry just huffed, he really hadn't been expecting this fight with Cho, but somehow was relieved for it to finally have happened all the same. However pretty she still was in his memories, her flat refusal to acknowledge the stupid thing her friend had done had finally driven out any feelings he had for her.

She shouted back she wasn't going to!

Harry said just as loudly good, he had enough to cope with.

She told him to go cope with it then before storming off.

"Well, I think that's done with," James gazed at the book with some pity for Harry's first crush having so many disasters back to back.

"The wrong sparks did fly," Remus agreed with a sad little smile.

Harry just clucked his tongue, still not as angry now as he was then, far more concerned with other things in his mind he couldn't reach, and that cemented it for the lot of them. Harry clearly didn't seem to care all that much for his relationship with Cho just evaporating.

Harry went off in an even worse temper, but now instead of dreading Snape, he was thinking of a few more things he'd have liked to have said to Cho.

"You're one of those who always comes up with the comebacks after the fact," James told Harry pleasantly.

"I premake up most of mine and wait for the situation," Sirius smirked.

"Suppose that leaves more room for you to follow the conversation," Lily snipped at him.

He arrived with Snape once again depositing memories into a Pensive.

"Just what does he keep in that?" Remus rolled his eyes.

Harry twitched hard in unease, he had a bad feeling he was about to find out, but it mostly went unnoticed as they all thought he was just preparing himself for another lash of Occlumency.

They began as usual, squaring off with wands out on either side of the desk, but before Snape could cast this time, the door banged open and Malfoy sped in.

"I'm surprised that hasn't happened before now," James rolled his eyes, "him barging in there to tattle on some first year Slytherin taking his favorite chair."

"What a sight to walk in on though," Remus raised a curious brow, he'd certainly pause at this with some concern.

He paused in shock upon the sight though, Snape lowering his wand first and asking what Draco needed.

Remus rolled his eyes, finding Snape referring to Malfoy by his first name really showed the depths to the two's relationship. The teachers should always refer to the student by last name out of sheer habit. He found this proof that Snape had a more familiar relationship with Malfoy, as if he'd needed it before now.

Potter was just here for remedial Potions.

"With their wands pointed at each other," Sirius emphasized. "If that wasn't a dumb enough excuse before, it gets worse every time."

Harry had not seen Malfoy look so gleeful since Umbridge had turned up to inspect Hagrid.

"And I know how much you long to see that expression," Lily scowled.

He would have given a great deal to be able to shout the truth at Malfoy,

"Why?" All four of them demanded of him.

"To make that stupid look disappear," Harry told them like he thought they were being very stupid on purpose.

or, even better, to hit him with a good curse.

"That's the response I was expecting," James nodded, feeling the world back on balance.

Malfoy put whatever he had to say about this on hold as he informed that Umbridge had requested his Professor,

"She's already tried to poison one student this week, I don't see how he could help with that," Sirius rolled his eyes.

Lily wanted to be more furious that Snape was in Umbridge's good graces like this, but then again, it was all the more sad she wasn't surprised considering how much the two seemed so alike.

They'd found Montague,

Sirius spluttered like he had a broken jaw.

"They did that how long ago?" Remus interpreted. "I think that's a new record."

"Ours only lasted a day, tops," James pouted.

"What even is that thing?" Harry demanded, quite sure his level of unease with this thing had nothing to do with the Slytherin Quidditch captains fait.

"You shove people in it, and they vanish," Sirius came back enough to helpfully explain.

Remus rolled his eyes at his inept friend and more properly said, "I'm sure you remember as vividly as we do that Nick broke one above Filch's office in your second year."

Harry nodded eagerly, he was still wondering what about that felt so significant. "Well there's matching pairs, always are. The one on the first floor the twins used is probably the still functioning one, but without the other to go through, it'll just leave you in limbo until it finds an opening to pop you out, but the magic is very vague about it all, and we have no clue what it's indications were when this would happen."

"It was pure need to understand such magic that we kept testing it," James offered with an impish smirk.

Remus' mouth was twitching in much the same way as he watched Harry curiously to see if he'd gotten it.

Harry wanted to smile back, but his mind felt torn in two. He still wanted to ask more about these things, but something about the Marauders and that look on their face...it was all fun now, but he had a feeling it bothered him for some reason soon.

He tried tentatively to understand all of this by asking slowly, "so, when you lot, err-"

"Put someone in cause they annoyed us," Sirius offered helpfully.

"Right," Harry paused to roll his eyes, "it just pushed the person out the other one?"

"We had to disable it for our needs to work," James's eyes widened innocently. "It was no fun if they just reappeared."

"We put it back together when we were done though," Remus still couldn't wipe a smirk away. "Couldn't have the teachers knowing we were messing with it."

"Never as badly as what Nick did though," Sirius was still laughing heavily, "so Merlin knows if they even are fixable now."

"Let me get this straight," Lily said dangerously. "You shoved people into a magical item, you had no clue what it would do to them, and then you continued to further break it apart to see what else would happen to them?"

"It happened to me first," Remus offered in defense of them. "Some Hufflepuff James had gotten last week shoved me into one for revenge, I made a reappearance a day later."

"It sort of just spiraled out from there," Sirius agreed.

Lily had spent the entire conversation frowning heavily at the lot of them, she'd never enjoyed hearing about their blatant ways of dealing with people that annoyed them. It was nice to see Harry wasn't exactly amused by this, but he was also clearly distracted by something so she wasn't sure how much he'd been paying attention past their actual words.

Absolutely none of Harry's thoughts had been helped by them, now not only was he positive something of these things should not be laughed at, but his lesson with Snape was feeling more foreboding than ever. He still nodded at Remus to indicate he was done for now.

he'd turned up jammed inside a toilet on the fourth floor.

James and Sirius roared with laughter, Remus trying hard to hide his own amusement behind the book and failing a bit.

Snape demanded how he'd wound up there, and Malfoy said he had no clue.

Snape dismissed Potter, saying he was to come back tomorrow to continue. Malfoy only paused long enough to mouth remedial potions at him before following.

"That's going to bite him in the arse later," Lily tisked loudly, though it hardly did anything to dampen the boys new found amusement. They'd gotten to hear the end results of yet another prank from the twins and had Snape's stupid lesson pushed off for a moment longer, they were now jovial, and hoped their mood would help Harry out of whatever funk his mind was clearly still stuck in.

Seething, Harry replaced his wand inside his robes and made to leave the room. At least he had twenty-four more hours in which to practice;

"There's the bright side," Lily persisted in pointing out, though clearly being ignored by all.

but all he really felt was the expense Malfoy was going to put into telling the school of his remedial Potions.

"I'm surprised Smith hadn't done that already," Sirius rolled his eyes.

He was at the door when he saw it, dappled lights dancing off the glass jars, that reminded him of his dream in the Department of Mysteries.

All five of them shivered heavily at the reminder, Harry looked ready to fall off the couch every time this was mentioned.

He turned around and saw it was only the Pensive still shining brightly, and wondered again what was in his memories?

"So quickly run from the room, otherwise you might see him again when you've so graciously been deprived of that," James said enthusiastically, he really hadn't a care for what could be in there.

Harry gazed at the Pensive, curiosity welling inside him, what was it that Snape was so keen to hide from Harry?

"Oh Harry," Lily sighed in exhaustion, wanting to press her face into her hands already as she felt where this was going. "Did you learn nothing from your lesson in Dumbledore's Pensive?"

Harry did not answer, though considering the feelings pumping through him, he was confident he hadn't thought that far ahead.

Harry took a step forward, his mind convincing him this must have something to do with the Department of Mysteries.

"I wouldn't honestly be that surprised," Remus agreed, "but you've no idea how to work that thing, so you'll just be plunged into the last thing he was thinking of when he put memories in there."

"Though that may honestly be it," Sirius said with a calmer tone creeping in Remus instantly regretted. "He wasn't hiding away private memories from his childhood, those were still in his head when Harry went in. Maybe it is Order business he's more worried about. If Harry wants to find out about them, this is the place I'd look."

"You're encouraging this," Lily yelped furiously. "Show some privacy!"

"He's not showing Harry any," James rolled his eyes, instantly tagging along to Sirius' side. Though he did raise his hands in surrender upon Lily's flashing eyes. "I wish he wouldn't, he has no way to get himself out of the memory, only Snape can do that, but I'm sick of him never being told anything and I know you are too."

Lily scowled heavily at the both of them as she didn't find that the point.

He tried to guess how long Snape would be gone, surely as the Slytherin Quidditch Captain, even after Montague was unstuck from the toilet, he'd be escorted to the hospital wing.

"The time frame is irrelevant," Remus scolded. "You weren't the one to put those memories in, so you can't pull yourself out until you've seen them all. Could be days worth of storage in there."

Harry wished he'd known that, but again, he now knew he hadn't thought that far ahead, and he had a bad feeling he'd soon regret it.

He stepped even farther forward, using his wand to tap the surface, and the image instantly turned so that Harry was now looking down into the Great Hall.

"Not at all what I was hoping for," Sirius sighed, he'd honestly been hoping for Dumbledore's office, or even Grimmauld places basement, something he'd been hoping for in relevance to whatever Snape was up to. An image of Voldemort, Snape talking to some member of the Order, anything other than what the man had for breakfast. There was no way something interesting to them happened in there, he'd probably just been admiring Umbridge's technique of making children cry.

He hesitated, but suddenly his anger seized him, of Snape, Cho, and Malfoy. He took a great breath, and plunged face first in.

"There you have it," Remus sighed without surprise. "Harry's a dead man."

"So he is some new kind of ghost," Sirius chuckled while prodding at Harry. "Fascinating, can I name him?"

"No," all four of them said at once.

The sensation of falling through black, spinning through nothing- and then he was standing in the great hall, except instead of the House tables, there were desks all over, quills scratching against parchment, it was clearly exam time.

"Huh?" James looked floored at this start, why would something of Snape's school years be so precious to hide away? He couldn't imagine doing the same.

"I know exams are close so they'd be on his mind, but this is ridiculous," Sirius rolled his eyes and yawned already out of sheer boredom.

Remus kept going blandly, and some disappointment. Harry was going to be in the worst amount of trouble yet, and apparently he wasn't even going to get to see anything good out of it.

He began looking around in the sunlight room for the man, this was his memory so he had to be here somewhere.

Though James did smirk a bit Harry may get a glimpse of him, he was sure his son would at least get a kick out of that.

When he did find him, it was a teenage version with a stringy, pallid look, like a plant in the dark.

Lily scoffed heavily and rolled her eyes, finding too much of his father's influence in that description. She'd always thought of him as a sickly pale, thin hair a silky black, admittedly too thin but still with a smile that drew her in to know what he was thinking. She supposed it was all in the eye of the beholder, as that was still how she'd describe him at fifteen. Picturing him now as the hateful man tormenting her son and his classmates, she may well have called him many of the same things Harry just had.

He read the parchment he was working on upside down, which said Defence Against the Dark Arts- Ordinary Wizarding Level.

"Uhoh," James hummed in concern, suddenly hurrying back to his Lily Flowers side, he hadn't expected it to be this exact OWL.

Lily felt a burning in the back of her eyes at once, this was her worst childhood memory. Far worse than anything Petunia had ever said to her as a child. Of all the things Snape would keep stored away, she could almost understand why he'd want to keep this one in particular away from Harry. Shame she would hope, for utterly humiliating her that day, though she was sure it was something far more related to his own status, just like always, considering the events having led up to that.

Harry watched his parents with wide eyed concern for this reaction, looking to the other two for some sort of explanation he could already feel he wasn't going to like, but they were avoiding his eye. This really had been just any other day to them, but for Lily, well this was still something she should have shared with Harry, what a way for the poor kid to find out.

Remus waited until Lily snapped at him to keep going before he could do this to her, though it hardly felt better with permission.

The call for five more minutes echoed around, and Harry saw Professor Flitwick up front, passing by a boy with untidy black hair, that stuck up in the back.

James sighed, not exactly thrilled he'd gotten his wish. He hadn't nearly paid Snape back in kind for what he'd called the love of his life that day, still, he hoped Harry at least enjoyed his attempts.

Harry moved so fast that had he been tangible, he would have sent desks flying as he moved to see his father at fifteen. It was like looking at himself with deliberate mistakes.

"That is a very good description for the pair," Remus muttered mostly to himself.

His eyes were hazel, his nose slightly longer and with no scar, but the thin face, and untidy black hair were all Harry's, they'd even be the same height.

"You weren't wearing your glasses," Harry noted, grinning wildly at finally having such a vivid memory of his dad at such a young age. He clung to that feeling as long as he could, there was definitely something off about this promising it wouldn't last.

"They're only reading glasses, I only use them for long periods, or something important," James shrugged. "The exams weren't long enough I bothered."

James yawned and looked right through Harry to grin at a boy a few seats back, and Harry felt another thrill upon spotting Sirius return the grin. He was leaning back in his seat, tilting it back on two legs and very aware of how good-looking he was.

Sirius snorted mirthlessly and gave James a very superior smirk, telling without a hint of remorse, "I knew I loved your kid. He only called you a thin, messy git. At least he acknowledges who the handsome one is."

James gave him a very heavy glare, even while fighting back a grin for his best friends endless teasing.

His dark hair was swept with an elegance James nor Harry could ever achieve, and he was completely ignoring a girl who was eyeing him as well.

Sirius' grin only widened, turning outright flippant, and Harry was quite sure he was going to be given an account of this girl and all sorts of details he never would have asked for, but Remus had not paused long enough to be of help, to Harry's relief.

Two seats away and another row back, Harry spotted Remus, looking peaky, and he wondered if a full moon was near.

"It was that Monday, actually," Remus mumbled.

Harry blinked in surprise. Not only did it wrench at him for Remus to know so explicitly when each was, meaning they must all stand out very clearly in his mind and that only emphasized how painful each must be, but even after a few days rest Remus was only just starting to look healthier. In the days leading up he'd grown quite pale and exhausted at all hours, he couldn't imagine having to study on top of all that.

Harry concluded that must also mean Wormtail was around here somewhere.

Remus flinched hard at the reminder, not even needing to glance up and see the others as well. Harry had never actually known him as more than the traitor, but it was still impossible for them to think back on nearly any memory from their time here without finding him as well. Now they were being force fed one! Snape's memory had just turned into the worst thing for all of them.

Sure enough Harry found the mousy-haired boy with a pointed nose biting at his nails as he scratched at his paper.

Sirius' features were twisted violently, he still felt that need pulsing through him at every small reminder of him to go and rip his head off. The forcible act of not being able to respond to this made him feel like he was on fire just sitting here instead. He'd learned his lesson, he'd just have to be patient...

He turned his attention back to James and saw he was doodling now, having already drawn a Snitch, and now working in detail on the letters L. E. He wondered what that stood for.

Lily fidgeted with a few strands of hair in unease while eyeing James, who wasn't even blushing at the reminder. The unease came from that very sharp hurt her son hadn't known her maiden name, or at least, hadn't put together what it would mean. Instead she sighed heavily and flippantly told him, "I suppose it's better than L. P."

James offered her a wide grin for the tone, wanting to hold her even closer than he was for her still taking shots at him rather than dwelling on this particular memory from her past.

Finally time was up, Flitwick summoned all of the exams to him, and James took to his feet and stuffed the paper and quill away into his bag,

"It literally just said Flitwick summoned all the papers to him," Harry scratched at his head in confusion.

"You mark your final answers on the exam," Sirius explained, "Prongs was still messing with his scratch paper."

"Couldn't students still know what to expect on the exam then?" Harry asked in surprise.

"Nope, the exam changes every year," Remus sighed.

which he slung over his back, and stood waiting for Sirius to join him.

"I always had to walk over to his arse," Sirius said with an exaggerated eye roll. "If I wasn't the one to meet him, he'd pop me on the head for making him walk."

"Hark, look who's getting memory problems of his own," James tisked. "If I walked up to you, you'd groan about me making you wait around, at least if I waited long enough you'd get bored and come to me."

"They are actually arguing about who walked over to whom the most," Remus informed the other two like they'd miss this.

"I'm aware," Lily shook her head in exasperation, "I'm waiting for you to cut them off already."

Remus hadn't just because he enjoyed watching them pick at each other so much, especially with memory of the one who was missing hovering right there in front of them, but he supposed he couldn't ignore it forever and instead kept going in hopes Harry would blot him from sight.

Harry spotted Snape leaving the Entrance Hall, oblivious to his surroundings and still studying his own paper, even his walk reminded him of a twitchy spider.

James snorted enthusiastically Harry so easily caught onto one of their favorite jokes of referring to him as a bug in every way.

A gang of chattering girls separated Snape from James, Sirius and Lupin, and by planting himself in their midst,

Remus twitched again in agitation, though it was slightly less so than moments before. He supposed that being referred to by his last name was still better than not having been mentioned at all like the other one, though he still had to remind himself it was his own fault Harry hadn't a reason to call him anything else.

and by planting himself in the middle he was able to keep in sight those he wanted to see and still be in Snape's company.

By ignoring those around him, he could still hear Sirius happily asking Moony if he'd enjoyed question ten.

Lupin agreed he'd loved it, name the ten signs that mark a werewolf. One, he's sitting in this chair, two, he's wearing clothes, three, check the name at the heading.

Lily felt a surprised giggle crack out of her before she could stop it.

"Ha!" Sirius barked in triumph. "See Prongs, told you you should have let Moony try some humor around her, she clearly doesn't partake to yours."

"And have the love of my life swoon over his brilliance," James insisted on looking mock affronted while he played along. "I'd rather kill them both."

"It's a wonder I didn't fall into your arms sooner," she told him drolly.

Wormtail was the only one who didn't laugh, instead groaning that he'd only gotten three, but he couldn't remember the last two.

James was aghast, considering he ran around with one once a month.

All five of them were turning an ugly gray color for having to see this, to relive it and be forced to once again come to terms with how close they all were, saying anything and everything to each other as they'd always done, when did that change for him?

Lupin implored him to keep his voice down as they headed outside to the lake, and Harry was worried that if Snape broke off, he'd have no choice but to follow.

"True," James tried in vain to keep the strain from his voice, failing miserably. "You'd be dragged along." His voice cracked at the end, he couldn't pretend to keep going, and was starting to more than pity Remus at having to be forced to read all this.

Clearly Harry was as well, whispering, "did you want me to-"

"No," he snapped without looking up. "May as well get on with it, not like he's actually doing anything." Except ruining more memories from his past, his biting innards were now constantly reminding, but they were all feeling the same way, it would help nothing for Harry to do this instead.

Sirius kept things going by stating that had been a piece of cake to him, he'd gotten at least an Outstanding.

"And did you?" Harry couldn't help but ask, infusing as much mirth into his voice as was possible.

Sirius watched Harry for a long moment with a set look in place that was all the answer he needed before he finally admitted, "no, got an E."

"We did though," James tipped his head towards Remus with a purposeful grin that didn't completely hide the hard set in his eyes. "Gave him hell for it."

"He probably missed one too many questions about harpies, getting them confused with himself and all," Remus told solemnly, at least this was one thing that rat could never take away, and they'd always find more ways to pick at each other.

"At least I got an O on my Transfiguration that someone got an A on." Sirius returned flatly, but there was finally a real grin coming back as well.

"You cheated," Remus insisted. "The lot," very heavy wince, "both of you," he quickly corrected. "Bloody extra practice and all, too many years ahead."

"You're just jealous you got O's in two classes to my three," Sirius insisted.

"Padfoot the only thing I'm jealous at you about is your never ending idiocy. How do you continue to make a fool of yourself?" Remus pleasantly returned.

James had only just opened his mouth to butt in as well when Lily cut in above them all with a relieved smile on her face. "Honestly, the lot of you, you're still arguing about this how many years later? You're all idiots, no matter what those grades said."

"There's my wife, keeping us all in perspective with her- how many OWLs did you get?" He suddenly broke off by asking her, she'd never answered him in school and it hadn't come up in recent times.

"I'm not telling," she insisted with a grin, "because it is pointless now." She honestly admired all of them, for still finding ways to make each other laugh with the rat being so vividly present now more than ever, but they couldn't ignore this forever. Remus paused and had to swallow hard before going back, when all he really wanted to do was snap this shut, he didn't want to reminisce about what came next any more than the couple.

James agreed himself as well as he pulled out a Snitch, almost casually letting it go before seizing it again with excellent reflexes.

James managed quite a pleased smile he'd impressed his son with his fun.

Wormtail watched him in awe.

Which vanished instantly, his face flushing red, though he was still so pale he looked more pink and still likely to start screaming if he had to keep remembering how much he'd enjoyed his friend indulging his every whim.

Much to Harry's relief, Snape folded himself into a nearby bush, while the group of four took up shade near a beach tree. By staying with the group of girls who were in the middle and now dipping bare feet into water, he could still be in between both.

Lily was brushing at her hair with vigor now, her nails catching on a few strands. This memory had replayed so many times so vividly in her head she didn't need Harry's descriptions, and vainly hoped that for once, this time would be different, that her son wouldn't even recognize her because nothing special had happened that day...

Lupin had pulled out a book and was reading.

"Don't even start Sirius," Remus told him without looking up. "It's my misfortune of the universe repeating these circumstances."

"But it's hilarious," Sirius insisted like Moony was missing on the joke of a lifetime.

"No, it's not," Remus rolled his eyes behind the pages and kept going loudly.

Sirius stared around at the students milling over the grass, looking rather haughty and bored, but very handsomely so.

Sirius flipped his hair over his shoulder and preened, Harry fighting the urge more every moment to tell his godfather to cool it. Normally his bravado was endearing, and hilarious, though that part was probably unintentional. He couldn't even really find anything wrong with this scene that should bother him, aside from Wormtail they seemed to be acting casually enough, why was the idea of being in here weighing so heavily on him he wanted to snap at all of them?

James was still playing with the Snitch, letting it zoom further and further away, almost escaping but always grabbed at the last second.

Harry remembered his mum and dad mentioning that earlier, and now realized why he would have seen this. He supposed he could see his mums point in him showing off a bit, but it's not as if he had an audience watching like the twins so often did, he was just entertaining himself.

Wormtail was watching with an open mouth, often cheering and applauding at the more wild catches. After nearly five minutes of this, Harry wondered why James didn't tell him to get a grip.

Underneath the visage from being so bluntly reminded of his many fond memories of this, some shock creeped through, as that had never even occurred to him. Why would it? He'd loved impressing everyone, especially his own friends. Tainted as it was now, he was left questioning all of this for the first time. Was Peter faking it? Was he actually envious? He still hadn't gotten his answer of why someone he cared so much for would do to him in their future.

James was clearly enjoying the attention though, occasionally ruffling his hair,

Harry had noticed his dad doing that quite a lot, and he almost smiled just a bit that no matter the torment his friend's reminder did to him, at least some parts of him had stayed the same.

and glancing to the girls at the water's edge as if hoping they were watching.

Finally though, Sirius seemed to grow bored of this and told James to put that up.

James did, and Harry had the distinct feeling Sirius was the only one he'd do this for.

"This is true," Remus tisked loudly over his own beating heart pounding through his head, despising the reminder of this hurting them all so much, and Harry may not even understand why yet. It was clear from his expression something of this day was bothering them all, but while he could wrap his head around it was the not so simple thing of vividly remembering Wormtail back in their lives so casually for the Marauders, he was yet sure what had his mother so near to tears.

He forced himself to keep going loudly with his first train of thought, even in the awkward silence. "Whenever I tried, he just told me to shut up, because he was doing it for me."

"Honestly, the only reason I told him to stop was because I was fixing to suggest we go take a swim in the lake, otherwise I would have joined him," Sirius shrugged, ignoring how forced the casual movement was.

Sirius instead said he was bored, wishing it was a full moon.

Lupin said from behind his book he would, but if he really wanted something to do, he could quiz him on some Transfiguration, even offering it out to him.

"Did you actually think that would work?" Lily arched a brow at him.

"I didn't want to go swimming, as I knew full well he was fixing to say," Remus shrugged. "I was delaying for a moment so I could claim to go back inside and work in peace."

Sirius simply snorted, saying he didn't need to look at that, he knew it all.

"That is also true," Remus muttered with an eye roll Harry must have missed at the time.

James got his attention by finding something else to liven up Padfoot, and Sirius turned like a dog that had scented a rabbit.

"Your descriptions are as accurate as ever," James told Harry with a straight face, but Sirius merely winced instead of the laugh he really felt. The two weren't exactly proud they'd started this fight between Evans and Snivellus. Sirius watched Lily tentatively, a need to defend himself this was common place, he hadn't known he'd resort to calling her that when this exact set up had happened countless times in their past already without such a thing happening, but the words died before they could start. An apology would probably just make her angrier, but now at him.

He softly said in excitement Snivellus, and Harry looked to where Snape was standing back up, James and Sirius now with him.

Lily groaned miserably as she kept eyes on her infant. James and Sirius exchanged a look, but as one decided to risk it and said, "sorry Lily."

"Don't bother," she snapped, clearly Sirius' prediction had been right. "You don't mean it."

"I am sorry," James insisted. "I never would have thought he'd-"

"You're sorry for what he did," Lily corrected harshly, "not for what you did, so save it."

James closed his mouth without bothering to agree, and Harry's bad feeling was growing worse than ever. This wasn't really...

Lupin and Wormtail remained where they were, Lupin keeping eyes on his book though his eyes were not following words. Wormtail was watching with a look of anticipation.

Remus' face folded as he easily recalled that look. He'd used to love seeing all the spells they learned in class in action on others. He hated how much it hurt to remember even the tiniest details about him. Thankfully Sirius and James were now plenty distracted by Lily they seemed more apt to ignoring this, but since Remus had kept himself out of this one, it was a bit harder for him to continue ignoring the rats every motion.

James repeated the nickname loudly after him, and Snape reacted so fast it was as if he'd been expecting the attack.

"He was, considering-" Sirius began with a sneer, now itching for a rematch just to let off some pent up frustration all of this was dragging up, which he sadly wasn't going to find in here. He only stopped as Lily glared at him with an old familiar look he hadn't seen in awhile, and that wasn't helping to clear his mind of this.

He dropped his bag and went for his wand, but before it had even cleared his pocket, James had shot Expelliarmus at him.

Snape's wand shot twelve feet away, Sirius letting out a bark of laughter before shouting Impedimenta, and Snape fell to the ground still feet away from his wand.

All three of them were so distracted, tense and waiting for a blow they never would have wished upon Lily, they all missed the look growing on Harry's face at recalling this scene.

The students around looked up curiously, some even eagerly as James and Sirius sauntered forward.

James began taunting how his exam had gone?

Sirius answered for him he'd seen his nose pressed to the parchment, it would be so grease marked no one could even read the answers.

Several people laughed, Snape was clearly unpopular.

"Least you've gathered the important details already," Sirius told Harry absently, glancing at him for a moment rather than watching Lily, and blinking in surprise Harry hadn't laughed along like he always had when they'd taken shots at Snape in here. Sirius wasn't actually sure what that face was, but he now frowned more heavily than ever for what Harry was thinking without sharing.

Wormtail sniggered shrilly.

Remus made a guttural noise of agitation, wishing Harry would quit noting such things already. They were all well aware if it wasn't Sirius and James starting the fight it was him egging them all on, but Harry reminding them of that only made this all far worse than they would have thought.

The boy on the ground snapped at them to just wait until he got his wand ba-, but Sirius didn't give him a chance, finishing for him to wait for what, him to wipe his nose?

Snape began saying curses and hexes intermittently, but still nothing happened from his wand still ten feet away.

James decided he didn't like his language and used Scourgify on him, causing bubbles to come out of Snape's mouth.

A new voice shouted to leave him alone!

"That actually took two curses longer than usual," James insisted on pushing for a casual tone of voice when addressing Lily. "Exactly how long had you been on the fence about him before this happened?"

Lily pursed her lips, not particularly wanting to answer him, and then she glanced at Harry and saw the look on his face. The expression surprised her, but she supposed he'd put together what this day was for her, but if he clearly had no care for the answer than she wouldn't indulge James' curiosity on this.

When her silence persisted, Remus kept going anyways. James had been well aware, as often as he'd mentioned it, that Lily had been seen out of company of Snape more often than not their last few months of fifth year, so he didn't know what his mate was trying to accomplish by asking such things, but he would try to save him from the answer anyways.

James and Sirius looked around at a girl with dark red hair and green eyes, Harry's mother.

James eagerly at once called out to Evans, making his voice go deeper, more mature.

Remus made some attempt at a laugh, speaking absently, "more idiotic than anything," but he didn't even pause for James to defend himself even if he would have.

Lily repeated for them to leave him alone, looking at James with great dislike.

Sirius was looking for it now, and watched another line cross Harry's face, his eyes growing as tight as his mothers for all of this coming back to him. Sirius wanted to reassure him that as bad as it was for Lily to be remembering all of this, that part was the common place, but he didn't want to interrupt right now in hopes Remus was almost done already, or even better, the actual Snape would show up and stop this. Quite an odd want, but it was killing him to watch this eat away at Lily, and he'd never have wanted Harry to see this in person, it was bad enough being told what the creep had once done to his mother.

She demanded what Snape had done to him?

"This time, you really should have emphasized that point," James told her, though she continued ignoring him in hopes he'd take the hint this wasn't helping. She pulled out of his arms and laid against the armrest instead, the baby still cradled tight in her arms her only comfort right now.

James looked hurt, he'd only been trying to help, but for now he crossed his arms and gave her her space.

James pretended to deliberate before deciding it was more the fact he existed.

James still found that to be true, that Snape had grown up knowing Lily and never seemed to value that enough but instead spent far more time in the company of pre Death Eaters, that his mere existence felt like a blocker to what James wanted more than anything, to be close to her, but there was always that sniveling used napkin in the way that Lily kept defending.

Harry made some kind of noise, but James was too distracted watching Lily to process it. He supposed Harry would have been plenty confused about all this in his time though.

Many of the surrounding students laughed, Sirius and Wormtail included, but Lupin, still apparently intent on his book, didn't, and nor did Lily.

Remus glanced up curiously, he'd felt Harry turn sharply to him and watched for a moment in confusion as Harry scrutinized him, but was he really looking at him like that because he hadn't laughed at the joke? Harry didn't offer anything though, and Remus went back to reading feeling as heavy as ever this couldn't just be done with. He almost would have preferred Harry to interrupt, it probably would have been a better distraction than forcing out this mess.

She coldly informed him he was a bullying toe rag, and to leave him alone.

James said he would if she'd go out with him.

"Bad timing there mate," Sirius helpfully inserted what he'd been thinking at the time.

"Thank you for not sharing that at the time," James rolled his eyes, "wish you'd carried that on."

Lily said she wouldn't even if it was just between him and the giant squid.

"Would you look it there, I beat out that sea creature after all," James seemed to almost pleasantly inform her, and he saw almost a twitching smile come back to her.

Sirius commiserated to Prongs this was bad luck before shouting in surprise, but too late.

Snape had been fighting off the curse this whole time, and had finally reached his wand, shooting a spell at James that cut across his cheek and splattered his robes with blood.

James whirled on the spot, there was a flash of light, and then Snape was hanging upside down showing off gray underpants.

Lily, whose furious expression twitched into a smile for just a moment,

"Really? I didn't see that," James blinked in surprise, he hadn't thought he'd gotten a real smile out of Lily for at least another year. How many other times had he made her smile without getting the pleasure of seeing? More importantly, how long had Snape been acting an arse to her before this happened for her to be doing it so openly now?

No one answered, especially not Harry, who was still processing all this so slowly he felt like his head had filled with molasses. All he was sure of, was that he didn't feel like laughing along right now like his dad was clearly hoping someone was.

but instead shouted at Potter to let him down.

James did so with a careless wave of his wand, but the moment he was back in the grass, Sirius shot Petrificus Totalus at him, and Snape fell back to the ground stiff as a bored.

"Payback complete, now where's a broomshed," Sirius muttered for himself.

Lily shrieked at them to leave him alone, drawing her own wand. The two looked at it warily.

"The first proper response of their day," Remus agreed absently.

James told Evans not to make him hex her.

"That would be a duel to see," Sirius hummed, though thankfully it had never gone that far, and at least now it never would. Lily mostly just shouted at them, and that was more than enough to stop Prongs, which in turn was just enough to stop the rest of them.

She snapped for the curse to be lifted then, and James did so with a deep sigh first before telling Snivellus he was lucky Evans was here-

Remus wanted to stop. He dreaded the next words to come pouring out of his mouth, because usually, the fight stopped there. Lily came forward and her and Snape walked off. This time though, he had to take a very deep breath before finishing.

Snape shouted back he didn't need help from a Mudblood!

Remus frowned hatefully, never in his life having wanted to say that word, and detesting he truly just had in regards to one of his friends.

Harry gasped, as it finally snapped together for him. She'd told him she'd stopped being friends with Snape because he'd called her that in public one day, screamed it at her in the middle of a courtyard, were her exact words...but he hadn't realized it had been this exact day! He looked desperately to her, but she wouldn't look at him, wouldn't look at any of them.

James was aching to put his arms back around her, to promise she wasn't alone, but she didn't want his comfort right now. She didn't blame him for this anymore, as she had for the rest of that year. Things had changed over the summer, she'd changed when she finally realized her relationship with him was irreparable like this day had proven.

Lily blinked once, before telling Snivellus to wash out his mouth.

James roared at Snape to apologize, but Lily shouted just as loudly she didn't want to make him apologize, he was just as bad!

James looked truly offended, saying he'd never call her such a thing.

Lily snarled that didn't excuse his strutting around corridors, always cursing people who annoyed him. She made him sick!

Then she stormed off.

James tried calling after her, but when she didn't respond, he demanded of Sirius still next to him what was with her, his tone trying to say the answer was of no real importance, and failing.

James didn't bother to deny this, even as Sirius politely told him, "you failed at that every time by the way."

Sirius offered that reading between the lines, he'd guess she found him conceited.

"Exactly how big were those lines?" Remus asked of him.

Sirius made his eyes go big with confusion, and so Remus just rolled his own.

James looked more furious than ever as he turned back to Snivelly, asking of the watchers who wanted to see him take off his pants?

Harry never found out if James had.

"Nah," James huffed, "Hagrid showed up then. Though I might have if he really hadn't apologized, I was still wanting one even without her around," he said in no uncertain terms.

Far from looking reassured, Harry's expression only darkened, much to all of the boys confusion, and Lily was still keeping eyes only for her infant and wasn't watching any of them.

A hand closed around his arm like a vice, and glancing up, Harry saw the adult Snape.

"Uroh," Sirius hummed. This must be why Harry was looking so off, no one would be happy being caught doing this.

Harry was dragged back, feeling as if he did a flip before finding himself in the dungeons again, Snape still holding fast to his arm. It was scary, his lips were shaking, his face was white, his teeth were bared.

Lily did look up sharply at that, anger now the most dominant thing rather than the hurt of her youth. Yes Harry was in the wrong, but if he hurt her boy, Snape was going to wish she'd killed him that day instead of simply dropping him from her life.

Snape hissed what an amusing man his father had been, shaking Harry so hard his glasses slipped from his nose, before he was released, and shoved so hard he hit the stone floor.

James and Sirius snarled in outrage, all eyes flashing furiously for Harry being treated like this. All of them were trying to reach for their wand now, growing more worried by the second Snape was fixing to turn on Harry with worse than the curse that had left a scar on James that day.

Harry though could hardly react, this moment of seeing Snape trying to remind him of something he just couldn't concentrate on right now, still far too wrapped in an all to living realization.

The shout of get out, and never to come back echoed behind him as Harry got to his feet and ran, a glass of cockroaches exploding above his head on the way out. He didn't stop running until he was three floors ahead, slumping down into an empty plinth as he rubbed at his bruised arm.

All four of them made a noise of outrage Snape had really hurt him. He'd deserved a detention certainly, they wouldn't have even argued if Snape had done a number of things like emptying house points or weeks of detentions, but actually harming him was far past crossing the line. The oddest part was, Harry wasn't even rubbing at his arm now, for all the world his face showed he couldn't care less, and it was depressing the lot of them to see him go so silent with no idea why.

Harry didn't know where to go. He didn't want to go back to the tower and tell his friends, and it wasn't because Snape had thrown a jar at him.

"I thought you or him exploded that by accident, he actually threw that at you!" Sirius barked in outrage.

Harry had no reaction, he wouldn't look at any of them.

It was that he knew how it felt to be humiliated in the middle of a circle of onlookers, knew exactly how Snape had felt as his father had taunted him,

Remus' brows shot up in surprise as they were finally getting an idea of why Harry hadn't spoken a word during that whole exchange, and that's the part he'd focused on? He finished curiously,

and that judging from what he had just seen, his father had been every bit as arrogant as Snape had always told him.

and hadn't been expecting that.

HPHPHPHP

*Nicknames offered by Xovercrazy and MelodyGirl239 in that order

**I think I'm allowed some direct quotes from the books, and these are just too magnificent to pass up.

#Harry Potter #fanfiction #OotP #Snape's Worst Memory #reading the books #HP #Jilly #James Potter #Lily Potter #Remus Lupin #Sirius Black

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occassionalfanficwriter · 4 years

Text

Unyieldingly Yours,

Summary: Mammon had always been used to having pacts masters that never treated him kindly. He figured that the new human exchange student was the same except he's been recieving gifts for no reason at all and his new master treats him like he's the favorite among his less troublesome brothers. And now there's another ring on his finger and suddenly his master isn't his master anymore.

Or a love story that happens out of sequence.

A/N: The story is told in medias res. I wish the keep reading option was fucking available on mobile.

Tags: Friends to Lovers, Fake Relationship, Slow burn only because Mammon and Mammorons are two halves of a whole pining idiota, local oblivious insecure demon in love with his sugar guardian human who pampers him to spite the world, Pretend Marriage up until it becomes the real deal, Hurt before Comfort, Intimacy disguised as helpfulness that would make Jane Austen proud, Love Words are: praise kink and acts of service, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence e.g. we went back to the orginal timeline, Through Love Miracles Happen

Rated: E for explicit descriptions of cock sucking (and emotions)

The facts of the matter are this:

He, the Avatar of Greed, is the first demon to get married.

His spouse is the human exchange student.

They are married in Devildom, the Human World, and the Celestial Realm.

His marriage is a sham.

Of the four facts about his current life, the fourth one is the one that bothers him the least. He knows his worth and it isn't much. He's happy enough that his Human was sparing his pride and dignity. That he doesn't have to worry that one day he'd go home and see someone else with them or have to go and stake his claim loudly and over and over again.

Everything was still the same as before they married. He invests and it fails, his Master/ Spouse/ Human bails him out. He has no money to spend and Blackie is out of the wallet and in his hand to use. His brothers gang up on him and his Human/Master/Spouse is there to save him even if sometimes he did whatever crime he was being accused of.

Mammon is used to being treated unkindly because that's what you get when you failed a rebellion. What he isn't used to was this:

"Mammon, can you get my book from the table?" accompanied by a sweet, pleading smile he couldn't resist.

"Darling, come with me to check out this new café?" said with a loving look and an arm hooked to his.

"Hello Love, your tie is as crooked as always!" a complaint without any bitterness or dislike and was instead said with great care as hands slid to his neck to redo the tie interspersed with quick and short kisses to his exposed collar bones, neck and finally his lips.

In short Mammon isn't used to you or your tender affections or your niceness or you being kind to him. Because it isn't really real when you have this gleam in your eyes that he knows all too well. It's defiance of what is expected and he knows it won't end well if he really goes and let himself believe. Defiance is what led to him being a demon. Love was what made him Fall and he doesn't want to do it a second time.

Except...

Except that he was greedy for the things no one could have easily.

Except that you were the exception to his rule and you had made him the exception to yours.

You'd made yourself a home in his heart in a place where their Father once was, branded him as yours in a way no one would ever be able to do. Your love was not a finite source and you forgave him for his sins far more easily in a way Father never would.

You had made him better...good in a way that a demon shouldn't be and you had accepted all of him, flaws and all and still proclaimed him beautiful, eyes shining as if you were seeing who he was before the Fall, before the Celestial War and it makes it harder for him to resist.

To believe that this marriage meant more than a way to spite Lord Diavolo and his schemes, to spite his brothers, to spite their Father, and to spite every human that called him as he was a Greedy Bastard.

He muses all of this as he watched you putter around your home in the human world. One that both of you had bought and registered as shared property. He looks at the homey but extravagant decorations at the wide windows that let the sun in and how it reminds him of his former home.

"Mammon! Where did we put the liquid polish?!" You whined and turned to him.

He moves away from his place on the wall and guides you to the cabinet tools and teasingly said,

"Jeez, what would you do without me?"

"Well, good thing we'd never have to found out!" You retorted as you pulled him towards the loveseat and instead of the sensible option of the L-section.

His traitorous heart stutters.

And he knew that he was destined to Fall again. As you gently removed your wedding bands, hands tenderly holding his, and with your lips kissing the spot where his wedding ring would have been resting...he wishes that you'd catch him if he did Fall again. That his lungs would not hurt from the impact of landing on the cold hard ground, that he wouldn't be left to remake himself once more stained with mud and dirt.

He kisses you softly, tenderly in a way that he once used to before the War. When softness was not a death sentence and a crime. He holds you close and tight in an embrace that demons aren't supposed to do.

Here are the things Mammon doesn't know:

That somewhere between forming a pact with him and late movie nights you had seen him.

That you had never meant for things to end up like this, a complicated mess of emotions.

That Love was a choice and you had chosen him.

You had arrived in Devildom not knowing what to expect beyond the worse and Mammon on your first meeting had done nothing to prove you wrong.

Until that moment in the classroom. When he had told his story about helping that child in the hospital. You had taken one look at him and you knew he was telling the truth even when Levi said differently.

You knew best on how to make a truth sound like a lie afterall.

Somehow from that point you paid a closer attention to Mammon. Silently observing him and noting what he likes and dislikes. Piecing together who he was beyond the Avatar of Greed, beyond being the Second Brother, beyond the demon who you had a pact with.

It was a like a puzzle whose entire picture was discordant. He was a demon capable of ruthlessness, and yet he was an emotional mess. A demon that empathizes deeply. He was smart and yet he could be an idiot sometimes.

He was perhaps the most humanlike among them, in a way that never ceased to surprise you.

"Oi! Why are you staring at me like that?" Mammon complained.

And you kept your smile before looking away from him.

"!"

"You-you've been hanging out too much with Lucifer and Satan!"

"Oh? Have I?" You teased him.

"Yeah! You've got the same evil smile as them now!"

You laughed softly and beckoned him to come close. And Mammon, never one to deny himself of a chance to plaster himself unto you, leaned over. Your voice softly whispering unto his ear,

"I just wanted to look at my favorite demon."

And then a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth which Levi saw as he entered the Common Area. And it started from there, tender touches whenever one of the other brothers were present.

A hand on his shoulder, or using his body to lean on, a gentle tug of his hair to keep him quiet during a marathon sometimes with a kiss to his head to pacify him.

If you were feeling bold and particularly touch starved you'd watch a horror movie with him and be the big spoon just so he can hide his face on your chest and you'd kiss the crown of his head until the scary moments passed.

And if you were lucky you'd get to sleep with him. (If you were extra lucky he'd sleep naked and let himself be held and then you'd wake up in a tangle of limbs ,and Mammon would take your breath away with the way the moon shines on his sleeping visage.)

In rare moments, when it was just you and him, you'd look at him and try to see past who he was now to catch a glimpse of the Angel that was. And you like to think that you do see what he was as an Angel.

It was in the gentle way he'd somehow look when lost in his thoughts, a private moment within his mind that he'd let you see sometimes. It was in the way he'd touch you on the days were being a human was hard. It was the way he'd look at you when you'd give small trinkets that now decorated his room.

In the way his face lightened up when you'd place a spare toothbrush on your bathroom for him to use.

It was in this small moments where the two of you integrate each other into a routine that was slowly being shared between you two. Sometimes you loved him too much that it hurts.

In between the small gifts that reminded you of him, in the stolen glances, and pretending like everything wasn't a calculated dance between the two of you...foolishly you realized that you had already loved him. There was no grand epiphany or the feeling of time stopping.

There had only been you and him, in the music room. Teaching him how to play Tchaikovsky, laughing along and smiling at his antics. He was talented at it and you had wondered if it was inherent or it was due to his long lived life.

As quick as the notes that the two of you began to play, you realized you had fallen in love and you continued to do so, following his lead and not regretting it for a single moment.

"You're just like this piece" You thought as the tempo changes from fast and playful into slowing down into a gentle playful beat, and as the piece ended and the notes lingered in the air you knew in the very depths of your heart, you would never be able to love anyone the way you came to love Mammon.

"Mammon, marry me?"

You asked, impulsive but certain.

"I'm a demon!" He blurts out, cheeks red.

"And I'm a human."

"I'm drowning in debts—"

"I'm rich."

"Well I'm poor!"

"How can you be poor when my assets are yours to spend?"

"Yo-you can't just do that! What if a real scum emptied out your bank account?!"

"Don't be ridiculous, you're the only one who'll get this treatment."

He chokes on air and flails about.

"Those aren't good enough reasons!"

"Then what about this: I love you."

He stops and blinks and covers his face with his hands, "That's not fair..."

You smile and kiss him softly on his forehead.

"I love you," You repeat "in ten thousand realities I'd choose you and love you."

"Just me?" He asked with a small voice, vulnerable and yet filled with uncertain hope.

"Just you."

And he smiled at you so brightly it felt like seeing the sun for the first time. He never stopped surprising you.

"Mammon, be my only man."

"Okay."

The thing is that its easy to forget that love was a choice. That no matter how many times you've used a spear as a walking stick it didn't change the fact that it was still a spear. That in the euphoria of love, of being human, you forgot that they had to shed what made them an Angel.

The thing is its easy to get wrapped up in your hurt and drown yourself in it to avoid the uncomfortable truth of the matter:

You were just a blip in his long life, and yet he would have loved you with the entirety of his being.

Loved you without leaving some for himself. And you had selfishly decided to carve out his last remaining hope because you had made your decision long ago.

Your Mammon over everything else. Not even a version of him could compare to the one you held on the palm of your hands. So you had closed your eyes and turned around, went back and ignored the pleas of staying and heart broken sobs as he begged you.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't leave me, please..."

"You have questions." You state, as you cleaned your wedding ring.

The light catching the engraved words inside the ring.

"Why me?" He asked and hugged you tighter, clinging and drowning himself into the sweet scent of your shampoo.

You stayed silent, unsure with how much of your heart you wanted to bear. Afraid of being known and found wanting.

"Sometimes...I dream of him...the one you didn't choose..."

"The one I abandoned" You thought bitterly.

"He...he just went and lived in the human world...in the place you used to lived in..."

You kept silent and played with the ring in your hand.

"Did you know that he had planned on confessing...? He wanted to give her one of his rings..."

"Mammon..." You begged him.

"Tell me...why come back when the outcome would have been the same?"

"Because he wasn't you. He isn't my Mammon, I had no presence in his life!" You turned and glared at him, unwilling to shed tears, and reveal how the thought of losing him hurt more than leaving a version of him behind.

You didn't want him to know how you've grown used to him in your life that even if you had stayed back there you'd end up searching for the traces of him in that Mammon.

"I love you, this you that married me! I'm in love with you! Beyond reason! Beyond everything the world can offer me!" You cried at the unfairness of him asking this of you as if your love that was blatant to the world was not real.

"How am I supposed to believe you?" He asked.

Hurt and fear etched in his blue and gold flecked eyes.

"With the way that I am here, in this moment with you, in your embrace, cleaning our wedding rings together." You answered as you cupped his face and looked at him in the eye and let him see the depths of your love for him.

"This is real" You say kissing his forehead, the gap between his eyes and then his lips, softly and sweetly as if he was the most precious treasure on all three realms.

And he was.

"I am in love with you, the angel that fell, the demon that rose from the ashes of who you used to be. I am in love with the you who trips over his words, the you who loves your siblings. I am in love with you who is more human than me."

You confessed, "How can I not come back to you? When you are my home? Mammon, we could divorce and undo our pact and even so I would still love you and no one else would be able to fill the hole you'll leave in me if our love fades..."

"I'm scared that one day I'll have nothing left of you. That I wouldn't have any way to prove to myself that you were real."

He whimpered.

"Then let's find a way."

"What if we fail?"

"What if we succeed?"

He looked at you, tears in his eyes and it reminded you of that Mammon you had hurt so cruelly for the sake of the one you held carefully on the palm of your hands.

"The truth is that I have loved you from the start, in that classroom as you confessed your kindness."

"That long?!"

You smiled through your tears, "Do you understand now? I'm only kind because you are, you can be greedy of me, covet all of me. You can want all of my kindness because it was all for you."

You wiped his tears and kissed the corners of his eyes. Kissed his lips deeply and tasted him.

He held you closer to him, chest to chest as his hands moved to your hips. You rutted against him lost in the sensations of his lips against your skin, leaving a trail of kisses from your neck to your now bare open chest.

He presses harder against you, giving you the friction to heat up your insides and you moan when his fingers enter you and he begins his ministrations. You miss his lips against yours even if your hands had traversed his chest and was now fumbling to unzip his pants.

The sex this time would be different.

"Let me worship you" You asked with a dazed look in your eyes from the love and lust you felt for him.

He laughs softly as if he had never known you were not the most devout of believers.

"Turning away from your God now?"

You smile enticingly, kissing him on his cheek, resting your entire weight on him.

"One cannot serve both God and Mammon," you whispered in his ear "Therefore I will serve you."

And Mammon feels the heavy weight of your words, clutches you tighter as your words settle between the two of you and lingers in the air.

"You can't," He paused to exhale "you can't take that back."

"I'd never."

He takes you into the bedroom and you worship him. You leave a trail of kisses across his muscular and toned chest, leading downwards to his thick cock standing at attention.

You paused for a moment to admire him.

"Why did you stop?" He whined.

"I think I am starting to understand what Theresa was on about."

And Mammon snorts and looked smug up until you take his whole cock into your mouth and start blowing him.

"Fuck!" He curses hands curled into your hair as he thrusts into your mouth. You take more of him in letting him fuck your mouth while your hand teased his balls.

He looked at you and saw you look so smug even when your mouth was getting fucked.

"Why did I ever—" He moaned "think that you were innocent—"

You take him deeper and as your gag reflex went away and Mammon comes down in your throat and you let out a pleased hum that made him come harder.

"Because I'm good at being a real hedonist~"You teased him and you pushed him back down gently on the bed and climbed on top of him.

His hands rests on your hips

You think back on all the names and endearment you've called him as you idly traced upon the white markings on his skin. His cock was already twitching in interest.

"What are you thinking?" He asked, gasping as your right hand played with his nipple.

"What I would I name a painting of you" You replied before sucking on his other nipple and lightly biting it.

"And?"

You looked at him and smirked,

"Chamahel."

There is power in naming things.

He had fallen for so long that he had forgotten what he used to be before being Mammon. Before turning a word into a name and owning it.

In the place in his heart where their Father's Grace used to dwell, in that place in his mind where the name he had been bestowed was forcibly crossed off, becoming unutterable in his tongue something had changed. He had been redeemed.

And it had come in slow and almost unnoticeable small increments with each passing moment he had shared with you. Briefly, he wondered if it was because of your love.

And then he discarded that thought because nothing was more important than knowing that he was—is loved by you.

Here are the things that both of you have come to know:

That through love a demon, even an Avatar of Sin, can be redeemed.

That long lasting love exists only because both of you kept on choosing each other.

That a marriage can last through several lifetimes because the soul never forgets.

And that Paradise was not where Heaven was but instead in the time shared with your lover.

#obey me #obey me mammon #mammon x reader #mammon x mc #R-18 #im on mobile so forgive me for the mistakes #will crosspost this on ao3 once i get an access to a laptop #one shot #might expand later on but who knows #not me definitely #fanfic

188 notes · View notes

archive-archives · 3 years

Photo

SIX BY SONDHEIM (2013) Run Time 86:00 Subtitles English SDH Audio Specs DTS HD-Master Audio 5.1 - English Aspect Ratio 1.78:1; 16 X 9 Widescreen Product Color COLOR Disc Configuration BD 25

From award-winning director and frequent Sondheim collaborator James Lapine, Six by Sondheim is an intimate and candid look at the life and art of legendary composer-lyricist Stephen Sondheim, who redefined musical theater through such works as Company, Sweeney Todd and Sunday in the Park with George. Told primarily in Sondheim’s own words from dozens of interviews spanning decades, the film is a highly personal profile of a great American artist as revealed through the creation and performance of six of his songs. It features rarely seen archival performance footage and original staged productions – created exclusively for this film – with stars including Audra McDonald, Darren Criss, America Ferrera and more.

HARLEY QUINN: THE COMPLETE FIRST AND SECOND SEASONS (2019,2020) Run Time 594:00 Subtitles English SDH Audio Specs DTS HD-Master Audio 5.1 - English Aspect Ratio 1.78:1, 16 X 9 Widescreen Disc Configuration 2 BD 50

Harley Quinn (Kaley Cuoco) has finally broken things off once and for all with the Joker (Alan Tudyk) and attempts to make it on her own as the criminal Queenpin of Gotham City in this half-hour adult animated action-comedy series. With the help of Poison Ivy (Lake Bell) and a ragtag crew of DC castoffs, Harley tries to earn a seat at the biggest table in villainy: the Legion of Doom. Don’t worry – she’s got this. Or does she? In Season 2, Harley has defeated the Joker, and Gotham City is hers for the taking…what’s left of it, that is. Her celebration in the newly created chaos is cut short when Penguin, Bane, Mr. Freeze, The Riddler and Two-Face join forces to restore order in the criminal underworld. Calling themselves the Injustice League, they’re intent on keeping Harley and her crew from taking control as the top villains in Gotham.

NEW 2021 1080p HD master! PUMP UP THE VOLUME (1990) Run Time 102:00 Subtitles English SDH Audio Specs DTS HD-Master Audio 5.1 - English Aspect Ratio 1.85:1, 16 X 9 Letterbox Product Color COLOR Disc Configuration BD 50 Includes Original Theatrical Trailer (HD)

By day, Mark Hunter (Christian Slater) is a painfully shy new kid in a small Arizona town. But by night, he’s Hard Harry, the cynical, uncensored DJ of a pirate radio station. Idolized by his high school classmates (who are unaware of his real identity), Harry becomes a hero with his fiercely funny monologues on sex, love, and rock and roll. But when he exposes the corrupt school principal, she calls in the FCC to shut Harry down. An outrageous rebel with a cause, Slater gives a brilliant performance as the reluctant hero who inspires his classmates to find their own voices of rebellion and individuality. A movie with a message, Pump Up the Volume is a raw and witty celebration of free speech that will make you laugh, make you cheer and make you think.

NEW 2020 1080p HD master! A TALE OF TWO CITIES (1935) Run Time 126:00 Subtitles English SDH Audio Specs DTS HD-Master Audio 2.0 - English, MONO - English Aspect Ratio 1.37:1 Disc Configuration BD 50

Special Features: Audioscopiks (MGM short); 2 Classic Cartoons 'Hey, Hey Fever' and 'Honeyland'; Radio adaptation with Ronald Colman; Trailer

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” Charles Dickens’ tale of love and tumult during the French Revolution comes to the screen in a sumptuous film version by the producer famed for nurturing sprawling literary works: David O. Selznick (David Copperfield, Anna Karenina, Gone with the Wind). Ronald Colman (The Prisoner of Zenda) stars as Sydney Carton – sardonic, dissolute, a wastrel…and destined to redeem himself in an act of courageous sacrifice. “It's a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done,” Carton muses at that defining moment. This is far, far better filmmaking too: a Golden Era marvel of uncanny performances top to bottom, eye-filling crowd scenes (the storming of the Bastille, thronged courtrooms, an eerie festival of public execution) and lasting emotional power. Revolution is in the air!

NEW 2021 1080p HD master! BABY DOLL (1956) Run Time 114:00 Subtitles English SDH Audio Specs DTS HD-Master Audio 2.0 - English, MONO - English Aspect Ratio 1.85:1, 16 X 9 Letterbox Product Color BLACK & WHITE Disc Configuration BD 50

Special Features: "Baby Doll: See No Evil" vintage featurette; Original Theatrical Trailer (HD)

Times are tough for cotton miller Archie (Karl Malden), but at least he has his child bride (Carroll Baker), who’ll soon be his wife in title and truth. The one-year agreement keeping them under the same roof – yet never in the same bed – is about to end. But a game with a sly business rival (Eli Wallach) is about to begin. In Baby Doll, as in A Streetcar Named Desire, director Elia Kazan and writer Tennessee Williams broke new ground in depicting sexual situations – earning condemnation from the then-powerful Legion of Decency. They earned laurels too: four Academy Award® nominations, Golden Globe® Awards for Baker and Kazan, and a British Academy Award for Wallach. Watch this funny, steamy classic that, as Leonard Maltin’s Movie Guide proclaims, “still sizzles.”

NEW 2021 1080p HD master from nitrate preservation elements! SAN FRANCISCO (1936) Run Time 115:00 Subtitles English SDH Audio Specs DTS HD-Master Audio 2.0 - English, MONO - English Aspect Ratio 1.37:1 Product Color BLACK & WHITE Disc Configuration BD 50

Special Features: Alternate Ending Sequence; "Clark Gable: Tall, Dark and Handsome" featurette with Liam Neeson; two vintage FitzPatrick Traveltalks: 'Cavalcade of San Francisoco' & 'Night Descends on Treasure Island'; Classic Cartoon 'Bottles"; Theatrical re-issue trailer (HD)

Romantic drama combines with humor, starpower combines with lavish spectacle and the walls come tumbling down! This Academy Award-winning extravaganza’s street-splitting, brick-cascading, fire-raging recreation of the cataclysmic earthquake remains "one of the greatest action sequences in the history of the cinema, rivalling the chariot race in both Ben-Hurs" (Adrian Turner, Time Out Film Guide).

Clark Gable plays rakish Barbary Coast kingpin Blackie Norton. Jeanette MacDonald portrays a singer torn by her love for Blackie and her need to succeed among the operagoing elite. Earning the first of nine career Best Actor Oscar® nominations,* Spencer Tracy is a priest who supplements spiritual advice with a mean right hook. He urges Blackie to change. But if love and religion can't reform Blackie, Mother Nature will.

NEW 2021 1080p HD master from 4K Scan of original Technicolor negatives! SHOW BOAT (1951) Run Time 108:00 Subtitles English SDH Audio Specs DTS HD-Master Audio 2.0 STEREO - English, DTS-HD Master Audio 2.0 Original Mono Theatrical track- - English Aspect Ratio 1.37:1 Product Color COLOR Disc Configuration BD 50

Special Features: Commentary by Director George Sidney; Till the Clouds Roll By - Show Boat (1946) Sequence; "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man" and "Bill" Ava Gardner Audio-only Outtakes; Lux Radio Theater Broadcast (2/11/1952); Original Theatrical Trailer (HD)

From novel (by Edna Ferber) to Broadway smash (by Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein II) to three film versions (1929, 1936, 1951) to stage revivals. Like Ol’ Man River, Show Boat just keeps rollin’ along. Produced by Arthur Freed and directed by George Sidney, this 1951 version of the saga of riverboat lives and loves has glorious stars (Kathryn Grayson, Ava Gardner, Howard Keel, Marge and Gower Champion) in Technicolor® radiance, a made-from-scratch 170-foot paddle wheeler, timeless songs and an equally timeless outcry against racial bigotry. “This was music that would outlast Kern’s day and mine,” Ferber said in recalling her first reaction to hearing “Ol’ Man River.” She was right as rain.

NEW 2020 1080p HD master! MY DREAM IS YOURS (1949) Run Time 101:00 Subtitles English SDH Audio Specs MONO - English, DTS HD-Master Audio 2.0 - English Aspect Ratio 1.37:1 Disc Configuration BD 50

Special Features: Vintage Joe McDoakes Comedy Short "So You Want to be An Actor"; The Grass is Always Greener short subject; Classic Cartoon 'A Ham in a Role' ; Original Theatrical Trailer (HD)

Talent agent Doug Blake (Jack Carson) is giving 100% to earn his 10%. He walks away from his arrogant singing star (Lee Bowman) and scrambles to discover another who will shine even brighter. He finds effervescent songstress Martha Gibson. Doris Day plays Martha. Think she has a chance? During the shooting of Day’s first film (Romance on the High Seas), director Michael Curtiz was sure the sparkling newcomer had much more than a chance and set the wheels in motion for My Dream Is Yours. Curtiz dots his film with authentic Hollywood locales (including the fabled Schwab’s Pharmacy). And Bugs Bunny himself hops into a dream sequence. Welcome to the Dream Factory. Make it yours.

NEW 2020 1080p HD master from 4K scan of Original Technicolor Negatives! ON MOONLIGHT BAY (1951) Run Time 95:00 Subtitles English SDH Audio Specs MONO - English, DTS HD-Master Audio 2.0 - English Aspect Ratio 1.37:1 Disc Configuration BD 50

Special Features: 'Let's Sing a Song About the Moonlight' vintage short; Classic Cartoon 'A Hound for Trouble'; Original Theatrical Trailer (HD)

Not since Judy met the boy next door in St. Louis has there been a heaping of tuneful, romantic Midwestern American life like this! Doris Day and Gordon MacRae team for spoonin’, croonin’ and swoonin’ On Moonlight Bay, based on Booth Tarkington’s Penrod stories. “Try not to walk like a first baseman,” Mama (Rosemary DeCamp) tells tomboy Marjorie (Day) as she prepares to date college man Bill (MacRae). The advice takes. The lovebirds hear wedding bells ahead, just as soon as Bill gets his sheepskin. But World War I rages “over there.” And Papa (Leon Ames) rages at home after a flap with his prospective son-in-law. Will harmony return to this Hoosier home? Surely Day and MacRae will make musical harmony. And On Moonlight Bay will have you sailing along.

#Feb2021

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allthingshetalia · 4 years

Note

Can we please get some soft domestic germany w/ reader and their dog children. We stan a king 😔👌🙌🙌😥

💕he is a king💕

Look at this beautiful blurry man

“What did you do?” Your husband stood in the doorway. The longer he looked at you the wider him smile got.

You- the most precious thing to him

His dogs- the other most precious thing to him

Were currently curled up on the couch- all in matching outfits. The outfits were light blue (like the color of Lud’s eyes) and had little potatoes sewn on them.

“I may have gone a little crazy on Amazon.” You giggled. You suddenly reached behind you and threw his own blue potato sweater at him. “Now go get dressed!” You snickered. Before he completely went upstairs he quickly took out his phone and snapped a few pictures of you with the dogs. You were sitting up on the couch with Blackie who had obviously tried to curl up on your lap but wasn’t able too, so now he was sulking with his head rested on your thigh. Aster was laying directly on top of Blackie and staring up at you with excited, loving eyes as you cooed at her. Berlitz was sitting up on the other side of you with the side of his head pressed against your shoulder, staring directly at Ludwigs camera. (Even though the German was fairly well hidden)(that smart dog)

Once in the bedroom he quickly got rid of his suit and threw on a pair of black sweats and the sweater. It was a little tight in the arms and shoulders, but he would indulge you.

“It looks so good!” You gleefully shouted as soon as he made his way down the steps. “Sorry it’s a little tight. It was the biggest size they had.” You mumbled.

“Are you calling me fat?” He smirked winking at you. He leaned over you and planted a soft kiss against your lips. “What are we gonna do for dinner?” He hummed patting Berlitz on the head before walking into the kitchen. At the mention of the word food all the dogs jumped of the couch and stumbled their way into the kitchen. They still weren’t use to all the fabric covering them.

“My god, you guys are wearing shirts not a whole body suit.” You grumbled. You skipped into the kitchen and threw your husbands arm around your shoulders nuzzling yourself into his side as he looked through the fridge. “I would have started dinner but it took an hour trying to get these guys in their outfits. Aster ran around the House- and oh by the way there is now a hole in our bathroom wall thanks to someone running into it.” You looked down at Aster who seemed to almost nervously smile at you before she hid herself behind Blackie. Ludwig laughed and closed the fridge holding you closer to his chest.

“I’ll fix it tomorrow.” He mumbled, sending his own glare to the nervous pup.

“We can order something in? That restaurant we like just started doing delivery again” You suggested going back to the idea of food. “Or we can just bake some cake and eat that for dinner.” You giggled, wiggiling an eyebrow at the man. He rolled his eyes at you before giving your bottom a small pat. He grabbed your phone and went into your contacts calling the restaurant. “Where’s your phone?” You asked.

“Do you have something to hide?” He looked down at you with playful blue eyes.

“Well I don’t think my side bro would appreciate you going through our late night discussion.” You chuckled, clicking your tongue softly.

“Side Bro?”

“Ja like side hoe, but the male version.” You explained hoisting yourself up on the counter.

after}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{dinner

“See beautiful thing about takeout is that we don’t have to do dishes!” You sighed happily. You enjoyed the sound of your husbands deep heartbeat as you rested your head against his chest. Intertwining your legs with his you ran you fingers up and down his chest.

The dogs were on the floor beneath you. Aster had attempted to jump up but quickly fell off due to there being very limited room.

“I kinda like doing dishes though.” Ludwig mumbled groggily. It was true. He always liked cleaning but especially with you helping him. You were on drying duty and you two always shared playful banter.

“That’s such a ‘you thing’ to say.” You smiled, leaning up and kissing his cheek gently. You settled for burying your face in his neck.

“Oh really? And what are more ‘me things’ to say?” He questioned.

“Running is so relaxing.”

“You should never ever skip training because you’ll never know when someone will attack you! If you skip a day it’ll throw you off and next thing you know you’re dead.”

“I’m not a hoarder! I’m a collector of manuals.”

“Now that one is true! You never know when something might break and it is better to be prepared.” Ludwig defended cutting you off.

“I want to go to doggy heaven, not people heaven.”

“I want nothing more than to find out I was adopted, because every time I remember I’m related to Gil a little piece of me dies inside.”

“Sandals with socks aren’t ugly.”

You tried to mimic his accent, causing a loud laugh to escape him.

“If I had a dollar for every time someone said something stupid, I would be rich— oh wait I am rich.”

“I have never said that last one!” Your body shook because of his laughs.

“I know but it’s definitely something you’ve thought!” You retorted.

After both of your laughs died down both of you instinctively huddled closer together, as your muscles relaxed.

“It’s 7:30 and I’m so tired. Are we old people now?” He mumbled, running a large hand up and down your spine.

“Well technically you are old.” You murmured, poking his chest. He tsked but hummed in agreement.

“I guess by definition I am.” He sighed resting his head against yours. The dimly lit living room and the rain outside provided the perfect source of comfort. Just as your eyelids began to close you heard him whisper.

“Ich liebe dich.”

#allthingshetalia #hetalia #hetalia blog #germany x reader #aphgermany #germany hetalia #germanyhetalia #hetalia imagine blog #x reader #ludwig beilschmidt #hws germany

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thunders-warcats-stuff · 3 years

Text

AU Masterlist Part 1

This is formatted for Discord. I will reformat it later.

***Half-Baked, Written Out, Unposted***

...

**Series 1 AUs**

...

**Just a Dream**- Firestar wakes up as a kittypet in a slightly different world than the one he left.

**Apprentice to Leader**- Firepaw gets dreams about SkyClan after he and Greypaw and the others free ShadowClan of Brokentail. He finds Ravenpaw and Barley, then goes to SkyClan. Whitestorm and Sandpaw follow him to Ravenpaw and Barley, find out the truth about Tigerclaw, and stuff gets real messy real fast.

**Cloudkit Gets Adopted For Real**- There are white cats n ThunderClan. They speak up for Cloudpaw and teach him their ways. Starring Whitestorm the tree-skipper and Frostfur the throat-ripper

**Firefang's Rise**- Rusty is a molly. That's it, that's all I've got.

**Jake Ges Involved** series- *BloodClan Variant*: Rusty, Princess, and Scourge (Blackie) get scooped up by Jake and taken to the forest. *Rusty Goes Looking Variant*- Rusty goes into the forest a few moons before Into the Wild canon in search of his father, who's disappeared. Originally looking for WindClan, he finds and stays with ThunderClan until they deem him old enough to leave them. He then continues his journey.

**Longtail's Shadow (series)**- Everything I hate about Warcats gets tossed out. Rusty has a relevant family, Longtail gets called out on his crap, dealings with other Clans are formally handled, there is an actual code that makes sense to their ways of life, StarClan has... some established rules, medicine cats either can't have family at all or can have kits, haven't decided yet.

**Ravenpaw's Stand**- Look, Ravenpaw was valid. The average kid wouldn't be able to do anything about a murder. But... what if he screamed at his mentor? What if Tigerclaw couldn't get rid of him so easily?

**Mistyfoot's Storm**- AKA why the fuck did Mistyfoot and Co go back to RiverClan when they tried to kill her?! Also, Stonefur lives. Is badly injured and loses his voice, but lives.

**Savior of Shadows**- StarClan intervenes when ShadowClan starts to go all dictatorship under Brokenstar. Prince of Egypt Plagues style with Nightpelt and Clawface as the ones confronting each other like Moses and Ramses did in the song.

**Deliver Us**- Nutmeg drops Rusty and Princess off in the forest because things are getting hairy in the city. They are found and raised by ShadowClan.

**She Will Watch Him Burn** AKA Confrontation- Goldenflower finds out the full extent of what Tigerclaw did and goes batshit in the Great StarClan Battle

**Switchpawed**- Rusty and Tigerclaw switch places. AKA Rusty is Clanborn and Tigerclaw is a kittypet because Pinestar figured "he can't be evil if I take him with me." Not sure what else changes but stuff changes.

**Strongest Survive**- Tigerclaw kills Bluestar and becomes leader. He makes Fireheart deputy to keep an eye on him. He institutes some harsh rules and the Clan is a lot like a frog in warm water. The grandkits of Fireheart and Sandstorm must navigate this world with their Stars-given "powers."

**Swiftpaw Lives**- And so does Brightpaw. Polycule ensues because turns out they both like Cloudtail and he likes both of them! But they're cousins so they clearly don't like each other that way. Cloudtail helps them adjust to warriorhood and life goes on.

**Make Greystripe A Better Friend**- What is says on the tin. GreystripexConsequences

**Stand Up: Reject the Deputy** - Fireheart is not cut out for being deputy and he makes this known. Bluestar doesn't care, and neither does anyone else. Until he yells a bit and runs off. Then they actually have to learn something about him and Cloudpaw.

**Warriors In All But Name**- Fireheart fights for the older apprentices to be made warrios. Bluestar refuses and chews him out. Unknown to both of them, the whole Clan hears.

**Stand Up: Pay Them No Mind**- Fireheart very obviously cannot handle the eputyship. While some notice and make snide comments, others step up and help him run the Clan. *"It's all paws in, Darkstripe, either get in where you fit in or get out." "And stop calling Cloudkit names. He's just a kitten."*

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optima-chama · 4 years

Text

I Remember...

I remember the first time I experienced racism.

It was quite long ago, I believe I was around 7 (I’m 22 now). I remember how shocked and hurt I was by it, yet still so confused. Even though the day was over a decade ago, it’s still vivid and fresh in my mind as if it happened yesterday. I lived in Illinois back then, with my mother, father, and little brother. We lived in a predominately-white suburban neighborhood. Obviously, we were the only black family on that street, so we stood out quite a bit. I had a few friends on that street. Waterford Lane, Lake in the Hills. I still remember that two story house fondly. School had just let out, and just like several other kids, I had gotten on a bus to get home. Ah, those were the days--Elementary School was such a great experience to me, you know? I loved to learn. I loved to read. I loved making my teachers smile and exceeding their expectations and making them proud of me. In school, during that time, we were learning about 3D shapes. Another group of kids that weren’t in the same class as us had gone through their lessons a bit faster, and finished the project to be made at the end of the lesson. A 3D shape of your choosing made out of plastic straws and those twisty-ties that people use to keep bread loaf bags shut. I, being the curious child I was, had been fawning over the 3D shapes those kids had carried onto the bus. I was sitting with a group of kids I had made a pretty good friendship with, or so I thought. One of them even lived on the same street I did; a little white boy my age. We used to bike all the time around the neighborhood together, and he had even been inside my house to play games. I remember asking one of the kids I was talking to if I could see their little 3D project because I just thought it was so cool. My ‘friend’ (who hadn’t even been a part of the conversation) interjected, and said something that shocked me into stunned silence. ‘No, you can’t, because you have dark skin!’ I ran off the bus crying to my parents, who had been waiting at the bus stop for me. I told them what my ‘friend’ had said. I remember them being furious and unleashing holy hell onto that little boy’s parents while all of the other kids and parents watched. I remember being so hurt by what he had said, but so confused as to why his parents were so apologetic and embarrassed and stammering before ushering away, clearly talking to their child in hushed, furious tones. Why were my parents yelling at his? What had they done to deserve being yelled at? Did I really deserve less just because I had brown skin? Because a child doesn’t just go around saying that out of the blue. That boy had never been allowed near my house again. I remember the second time I experienced racism.

Third Grade. I had a teacher by the name of Mrs. Gross (yes, that was actually her name). She was a short, pretty woman in maybe her mid-30s. I revered teachers, because they were authority, and they were giving us knowledge. Teachers couldn’t be bad, right? I still remember the first day we had started that grade, where she gave us a nice sweet flowery speech about how if she offended us in anyway, to come to her and let her know. We could be safe with her. We could trust her. And then came the day she made fun of my birth month during a lesson and didn’t like that (I was a sensitive little kid). I went to her during quiet reading time and told her I didn’t like that, because all months are great. That was when I learned her little ‘You’re Safe With Me’ speech didn’t apply to me. She was dismissive and blew me off. I was hurt by this, but figured, maybe I was just being silly? I could get over it, I wasn’t one to hold grudges. I just wanted to make the adults I respected proud. It took me many detentions, her calling me a cheater due to me being the one student with the highest reading skill, and becoming the scapegoat of the classroom and getting in trouble for many things I never even did to realize that not all authority deserves respect. I remember the first time I ‘fought back’ against racism.

Still third grade. Mother and Father were going through divorce proceedings, Father had left leaving a sore bleeding hole behind in our once idyllic home and it was wreaking havoc in our household. I was a sad and angry little girl. I started acting out more, even in school; because I figured I was being treated like a villain in school anyway, so why not act like one? There was hardly a day that went by that I wasn’t being bullied by my peers, my teacher, or older students that were in the Fifth Grade. I remember this one particular girl in the fifth grade, Nora (of Indian descent), who I thought was my best friend, but in actuality tried to get anyone and everyone she could to make me cry just so she could get a laugh. She liked putting me down, just to make herself seem cooler. God, after I realized how toxic she was, I hated her with a passion. She even turned this one fifth grade boy I had a crush on (he had pretty red hair, silly I know) against me. I’d only ever see him on the bus, but he’d make the bus ride to and from school a living hell. Calling me names, pulling my hair, the like. I tried to tell my teacher about it, but lmao, of course she didn’t do anything. Hell, she even snidely told me I deserved it. So I just sat quietly and took all the abuse, because I knew that no one would help me anyway. One day, I had had a particularly rough day at school. Ridicule from my teacher and peers, and knowing I’d be heading back to a broken home where no father was waiting to hug me and wipe my tears away? I was stressed. I was angry. Mother had heard me crying one day before this, and told me I had her permission to defend myself if I needed to, but ONLY if someone else put their hands on me first. I was NEVER to throw the first punch, she told me. I didn’t understand why, but I trusted my mother above all else. I got on that bus that day. That little boy had a wild hair up his ass for some reason; was showing off for a group of friends. Calling me ‘blackie’, ‘a fat tub of lard’, ‘stupid’, etc. I ignored him, and this made him angry. Then he stood up and kicked me in the stomach. I saw red through the tears of pain blurring my sight before blacking out. When I came back to reality, the bus had been pulled to the side of the road and I was being pulled off the boy by the bus-driver. He had a split lip, a quickly swelling black eye, and was sobbing through chipped teeth. I was banned from the bus for a week after that, during which time I learned that he had a fractured jaw and bruised ribs from my rage too. I remember being pulled into the office by the Vice Principle, with my mother and his parents there, and being shown the tape from the Bus Camera that had caught the whole thing. I remember his parents being angry that I was even still in the school despite their child being clearly in the wrong, and being called a ‘monster’ and a ‘danger to the school’. The VP was cool though, and was on my mother’s and I’s side, saying it was Self-Defense. They said they’d sue, to which the VP laughed and said ‘Go ahead; with this tape, it won’t go anywhere’. I didn’t get in any official trouble, but the glare that mother had given me sent chills down my back. The rumor of what I did spread around the school very quickly. The only good thing about that was that I wasn’t being bullied anymore. I remember the first time I was told I wasn’t as pretty as other girls around me because I had dark skin.

Still in Illinois, but different school. I was in Fifth Grade now. Mother had won custody of my little brother and I, and we had to move from that big old house that I adored into a much smaller condo apartment. Mother had to work long hours to support us, so I had to help her parent my brother. Help out with chores, make sure we got to school on time, help her cook, make sure my brother and I did our homework, we ate, and got to bed on time, stuff like that. I remember feeling quite a bit of pride for being such a big girl to deserve my own phone back then, so my mom and I could keep in contact while she was at work and we were home alone. There was this boy I had a small crush on in my class, he was most definitely the clown. Got in trouble a lot for playing pranks, and joking around and talking while everyone was working. I liked him because he was funny, and made me smile even though I was clinically depressed (that’s a whooooooooooole other story). I had told a ‘friend’ in confidence that I liked him, and well, of course that didn’t remain a secret for long. We were heading to art class when he confronted me and made fun of me for it, in front of our whole class. He said ‘That’s cute, but honestly, I could do a whole lot better than you’. I was hurt. Distraught. One of the other girls seemed to have a bit of sympathy for me and said ‘That’s so mean, why would you even say that?’. I still remember his response to this day. ‘Black girls aren’t as pretty as White girls.’ I remember the first time I was ridiculed by people who looked like me. We had moved to California, to be closer to my mother’s side of the family. I remember being vaguely shocked and excited to suddenly be surrounded by people who looked like me. New friends I could make! Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad anymore! Maybe I wouldn’t be so lonely anymore! I remember my first day in my new school, Sixth Grade. The class was so much more diverse in terms of ethnicity. Not a single white kid in sight. I remember being very wary and even distrustful of my teacher, because he was a white male. I learned better as the year went on though--He was quite honestly the best teacher I had ever had, and I’ll remember him forever.He was strict but fair, and he made learning fun again for me. He was the one teacher who ever told me that it didn’t matter what I looked like-- If I wanted to succeed, and was willing to work for it, I’d be great in whatever I decided to set my mind to do. He believed in me. But anyway, I remember being introduced to my new students, and everyone looking at me like I was a shooting star or something. Illinois was so very far away, after all; I remember getting swarmed by my peers during recess asking me if I wanted to play, and I was so excited. But as the day went on, and I kept talking and laughing with them, they kept giving me weird looks, so I asked them what was wrong. ‘You talk white. Why are you talking like that? Do you think you’re better than us? You sound just like a whitie/gringo. Don’t you know what they do to people who look like you? Why do you want to sound like them?’ It wasn’t long after that that I became lonely again. I remember the first time I had been stopped by a security guard in a public setting. This was during my make-up phase. I had reached my mid teens by now, and I was feeling really insecure about my image. I particularly liked lipstick and eye shadow, and I would beg my mom to take me to the local Walgreens to get some whenever I had saved up enough money. I liked collecting random colors and flavors; it made me happy. I had made the mistake of wearing a baggy hoodie that day. I loved hoodies, still do; they make me feel safe and warm, like a hug. Mom hated them, cause I liked using the hood to hide my face and kept my hands in the huge pockets they had, ,which I personally didn’t get. When we walked through the doors, I had sped-walked straight towards the make-up section. I was looking at all the different brands and colors, touching them while oohing and aahing over them before putting them back; none of them were really catching my eye. Over the intercom, we heard a lady give a strange nonsensical code. I turned to my mom and joked that maybe they thought I was stealing or something (I felt it was funny because mom had put the fear of God in me when it came to stealing; I was terrified about even thinking about committing the act). Turns out, when we were done and walking towards the entrance after paying for our goods and I got stopped by a security guard, that I had been right on the money. I got patted down and forced to empty out my pockets and little purse in front of the doorway, in front of the whole store, for that security guard to be sure that I hadn’t taken anything without paying for it. It took fifteen minutes. They didn’t find anything, of course, but I was practically crying by that point. When we were allowed to leave, I was ushered out the store by my mom and when we were in the car, she took the time to calm me down before telling me that was why she didn’t like my hoodies. Because I would be looked at with even more suspicion when I was in a store than I already was. My mom told me that in order to not be bothered by authority, I had to look as non-criminal as possible. ‘B-But why...?’ I asked, like a naive child. ‘Because you’re black.’ She sadly told me. I didn’t go back to that Walgreens for at least a year. I remember the first time I felt threatened by a police officer. We were living with my disabled grandfather after his second wife had passed by this time. I still thought that the majority of cops were good when I was turning 17. Why else would they be protecting the public, right? They were strong and brave, and put themselves on the line to keep citizens safe. They were the good guys. Sure, there were some bad apples, but you couldn’t judge a whole group based on what they wore, right? There was bound to be some worms no matter where you go, and I had been coached extensively by my mom and uncles about what to say and do if you’re approached by an officer-- Be respectful, stay calm and compliant, and don’t speak too much (this confused me, but whatever my family said I’d do). I was walking with my little brother back from the 7-11 near our house, after a snack run. My brother was 14 then, and he had a bike. It was a pretty cool red bike that he absolutely loved, and he rode it around everywhere. If he was out and about in the neighborhood, chances are he was on his bike. We were laughing and squabbling with each other, like siblings usually do and just minding our own business. When we were only, I’d say, a quarter mile away from home, a police cruiser coasted up beside us on the sidewalk. We immediately went quiet and stared ahead, trying not to look like we were up to no good or anything. I whispered to my brother to let me handle the talking if they spoke to us, because my bro had a bit of a temper back then and I didn’t want him mouthing off to an officer. They followed us for a small distance down the street, before the passenger side window rolled down and the (white) officer in the passenger seat asked us to stop. We did. He then asked us where we were going. ‘Home’, I said, sorta shielding my brother from view. ‘Oh yeah? Where’s home?’ ‘Close by.’ We stared at each other in silence for a bit (I wasn’t dense enough to not realize there wasn’t tension) and I could feel my brother gripping onto my shirt from behind. I could feel him shaking a little. The officer looked at my brother, and consequently, the bike he had been riding down the sidewalk. ‘That’s a nice bike’, he said. ‘T-Thanks!’ My brother said, realizing he was being addressed and eager to talk about something he loved to a guy he thought was doing a really cool job. ‘I love my bike, I ride it everywhere!’ ‘Your bike, huh? Got proof that it’s yours?’ My brother’s eyes went wide in shock. They wouldn’t let us leave that spot until we proved that the bike in our possession was my brother’s. I remember having to call my mom who was at home, wondering where the hell we were, and explain to her that two police officers had us cornered in a nearby street and weren’t letting us leave over a shiny new-looking bike. I remember hearing her losing her shit over the phone, saying she’d be right there and not to panic, and in the background, my grandfather insisting he’d come with to try and ease things to (and to keep my mother in check, cause she’s one hell of a spitfire). I remember shaking and whispering to my brother that everything would be okay; while trying to shield him from view as we stood there for five whole minutes waiting for our mom to save the day, all the while the officer was asking us increasingly invasive questions about us and getting more and more irritated when I gave short, polite answers that didn’t reveal much. I remember taking a further look into the car than I should have, and feeling my heart drop when I realized the officer (of course) had a gun on him. And his hand was resting over the holster. I had seen it. And when I looked back up at him in the eyes, it was clear he knew I had seen it. But his hand didn’t move away from the gun. Mother showed up quick, and with my grandfather in tow. Thing is, my grandfather could pass for white. Only slightly tanned skin that could be dismissed due to the California sun, and bright blue eyes. My mother, with fury in her eyes, clearly caused alarm for the officers, but when they saw my grandfather trying his best to hold her back and keep her from cussing them out with the receipt for the bike she had bought for my brother clenched tightly in her hand, they quickly backed down and tried to seem as friendly as possible before driving off in under two minutes, wishing us a good day. I remember my brother and I quickly being rushed home, the both of us rattled out of our minds while my mom ranted and told us this was why she told us to be on our best behavior while in public. I remember that day as the day it really hit home for me. I was not seen as equal by those around me because of something I had no control over. I would be looked at with suspicion while in public because of my skin color unless I somehow managed to prove I was trustworthy. I wasn’t seen as pretty as girls with lighter skin were. Authority wasn’t always right, nor was it unbiased. Police officers weren’t friends to people who look like me. Whether I was being passive or aggressive didn’t matter to those around me if people wanted to pick a fight; if I wasn’t careful, I would most likely be the first to get accosted/handcuffed/a harsh sentence/killed. And that the freedom that the American Flag stood for, that several of my family members had pledged their lives to, military, medical, or otherwise, didn’t mean a damn when it came to us.

#BLM #childhood struggles #racism #it needs to stop #is this your liberty?#is this your justice?#when does this end #when does it get better

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