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solarisrasa · 1 year

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All I Could Bring Myself to Want is You pt 12

A Malec fic canon divergent from the moment Alec hands the Family Ring back to Maryse Lightwood.

Read it here on Ao3

part eleven

Three days after Catarina had pulled the Mark from his chest, Alec finally felt like his body had caught up on sleep. He stretched in the cloud of gold that was Magnus’ bed and sighed out contentedly, curling his toes.

Jace was (mostly) sleeping in the guest room now, though waking up alone was still...

Alec frowned at the empty bedroom. Magnus, especially after all their time apart, liked to be there when he woke up, if not in the bed then in the room. His absence tugged at Alec, reminding him of the mornings after Magnus’d been forced to endure the agony rune.

He slid one of Magnus’ robes on, letting it hang open over his newly blank chest. The dark swirls of his many runes weren’t as stark against the navy silk. If he hadn’t been distracted by his worry, the length would’ve made him blush.

“Magnus?”

His boyfriend didn’t answer. Alec peeked into the empty kitchen and workroom before Jace stumbled, bleary-eyed, into the living room.

“M’rning.”

He looked at Alec for a long moment, visibly trying to clear the sleep from his thoughts, “What’s wrong?”

“I’m just looking for Magnus.”

Jace bobbed his head and tapped his parabatai rune, “Okay?”

“Just worried about him. I’m not even sure… It’s just odd to wake up without him.”

“I’ll make coffee and food. You tried the roof?”

Alec shook his head and Jace grumbled while shoo-ing him, “Go see if he’s up there and do your thing. I’ll have breakfast ready when you’re done.”

“What if he’s not up there?”

Jace groaned, “I dunno Alec, but go look and then worry.”

Deciding that was a fair enough point, he headed for the stairs, ignoring Jace as he called, “And nice robe!” at his back.

Magnus carefully pulled a browning stalk from among his ague and gently nudged it back from the feverfew. Working with the plants that he’d had to revive upon his return gave him something to focus on in an attempt to regain his equilibrium.

His focus on helping Alexander and rebuilding their connection had effectively kept his own, separate, struggles from rearing their heads. Last night that reprieve had ended. He ghosted his fingers over the living stone that served as a barrier between healing plants and his small collection of poisonous ones. The pulse of life under his magic helped to ground him here, in New York, on this plane.

The faint sound of footsteps on stairs and a ripple of his magic told him he was going to have company in a moment. He stood from where he was kneeling in front of his plants, taking a deep breath and flicked his fingers to ensure his hair and makeup was immaculate but still convincingly relaxed.

“Magnus?”

He twisted his fingers, called a half-full coffee into his hands, and turned with a little smile. He knew he looked perfectly serene, but he also knew that Alec would see through that and as hard as it could be, he preferred that. He wanted to hide and it was hard to stop himself from taking steps to do so but he knew, inevitably, that Alexander deserved to be let in.

“Good Morning.”

Some of the tension in Alec’s shoulder’s eased and Magnus cursed himself for not leaving a note. He sometimes forgot that not everyone had an innate link to the wards that let them know where people within were.

“Morning.” Alec brushed a kiss over his cheek, large hands coming to rest against his bicep and shoulder, “Sleep alright?”

Magnus gently patted Alexander’s cheek, smiling just slightly, “No.” He took a moment to look Alec over and his smile grew a little, “Though this certainly helps me feel a little better, give us a twirl?”

Alec’s brows drew together and then his cheeks colored under dark runes, “I...wanted to find you. The silk is nice.” He stepped back and turned for Magnus but the worry didn’t leave his eyes. The navy robe pulled the blue in his eyes out and under the sun with sleep-mussed hair and a gentle smile Magnus thought Alec was the greatest gift he’d ever had the privilege to receive. He’d never get enough, could never spend enough time with Alexander.

The thought curled tight around his ribs and was smothered by the reminder that no he would literally not get enough time. Alec had left him, for good reasons yes, but that had been only a taste of the inevitable. The comfort of sun-warmth suddenly felt too hot, like the red air of Edom and he closed his eyes.

“Hey, love, what’s wrong?”

Alexander’s hands were back, hot on his shoulders, steadying. He opened his eyes, glamour down and pressed the back of his fingers to Alec’s cheek.

“I hoped that maybe I had ignored my problem into submission by now,” He sighed, “but I had a dream last night and I’m...struggling to let it go.”

Magnus punctuated his words with a step away from Alec, the coffee cup still in his left hand sloshing around as he waved it, trying-and failing- to find the right words for his mood. Alec let him put distance between them but his gaze stayed heavy.

“ My time in Edom was relatively uneventful,” he turned back toward his plants, aiming to sound less affected, “so I didn’t think I would have much trouble adjusting afterward, and for the most part I haven’t but…” He set the mug on the low stone table and reminded himself that it was only Alexander, “I was completely alone for a year, Alec. The only thing I had for company were my thoughts and demons that were little more than malice given form and the last thing that had happened between us-” He faced Alec again, drawing himself up, “I let your leaving me consume me. I hate admitting it, but if there is one thing we’ve learned since I came back it’s that we have to talk to each other. I went to hell physically but by obsessing over losing you I made it a place of real torment.”

Alec’s mouth pulled tight and Magnus watched him flex his fingers but he respected the space between them, even as Magnus wished he wouldn’t.

“What can I do?”

The question made Magnus soften and he held out a hand, waiting for Alexander to take it softly in his own, “Just...be with me. Remind me of your reasons sometimes maybe and understand that I might be distant at times.”

Alexander drew him close, kissed his knuckles and squeezed his hand, “I can do that. But this is making me think...I should’ve told you…”

Magnus couldn’t help the way he tensed, tried to remind himself that Alec was here and he loved him.

“I meant some of what I said when I left.” Magnus swallowed but Alec continued firmly, “I didn’t know what I was supposed to do and I was afraid of what life would be for you if I couldn’t find a way to get your powers back and I was overwhelmed because I knew, I knew that I was never going to be enough to fill the void.”

Magnus wanted to argue that but Alec squeezed his hands again, a little curl of his lips let Magnus know that he understood but wasn’t done.

“The spark I see in you was never gone. Even when you were struggling, when I’d held you half the night and you were spiraling you still had it. You went to my mom and you brought light into her shop just a day later.” Alec pulled him into a hug, chest warm and hold tight, “Even if you hadn’t, if that spark was banked, you would still be worth loving. I didn’t know how else to get you to stop trying to keep me because I wouldn’t have been able to let you go so I said what I thought would hurt.”

Magnus pressed his face into Alec’s shoulder. The silk was pleasant against his face and he waved a hand, taking his makeup back off. He didn’t need the stripes right now and he felt silly for still thinking he did. Alec rubbed up his spine and the crushing pressure of his hug finally gave Magnus the relief he’d needed when he woke up from dreams of his father’s empty throne.

“I love you. Always.”

That brought tears to Magnus’ eyes and he knew that Alec could feel the wet seeping into the robe.

“I’ll love you forever.” Magnus whispered, swallowed past.

Alec went still under him for a moment and then let out a harsh breath, cradling the back of Magnus’ head in one large hand but not breaking their hug.

“I’m not going to leave you again, Magnus.”

He knew that but Alec couldn’t stop time and the sands were running against them. Magnus could breathe around that, usually. He knew that if he stopped himself from loving burn-bright, fleeting mortals he wouldn’t be himself. It was harder this morning to know that Alec... Alexander…

“I’ve got you.” Alec’s voice was low and Magnus shuddered against him, not protesting when Alec readjusted and led him to the wicker couch. They curled close until Magnus felt himself steady.

“Thank you.”

Alexander smiled down at him where his head rested on the Shadowhunters chest and Magnus leaned up to brush a soft kiss over his runed cheek.

“Jace is, allegedly, making breakfast.”

“Oh?”

Alec nodded seriously, “I think he’s angling to move in permanently.”

Magnus blinked, “What?”

“Oh just,” Alec grinned as they straightened up, “Jace is a great cook but he usually won’t do it without being begged.”

“They’ve arrested Irina Kadiroff.” Izzy said, sprawled on the floor in Magnus’ living room.

“Oh, you’ve started a conversation without the rest of us again, nice.”

She threw a coaster at Jace, “Shush. It was quiet and I figured I’d get it out of the way.”

“As opposed to bringing it up two hours ago when you and Simon got here?”

Alec rolled his eyes at them, smiling as Magnus leaned forward beside him to peer down at Izzy, “Arrested whom?”

“Irina Kadiroff.”

Magnus raised an eyebrow and Simon jumped in as he fiddled with the cords for the television set up Magnus had conjured into the room.

“Kadiroff is one of the admins for the Bleakfallow family. The Consul ordered her brought in this morning and they expect to find out who else might have been working with them to stop you from becoming Inquisitor.” He stuck his head behind the screen, “Yes!"

Alec chose to ignore the exclamation, “So it should be dealt with by the time I take the post, officially?”

“Pretty much.” Izzy waved her hand lazily, “Though that is just dealing with the people who out-and-out didn’t want this. I’m sure there are plenty of others waiting to roadblock you in other ways. We know enough of the council wants to keep a stranglehold on the shadow world that it’s not going to be an easy thing to make the kinds of changes you want.”

“Fuckers.” Jace added and Simon poked his head up, “Big Fuckers.”

Alec hummed, it was a relief to know that he might not have to deal with trying to root out Bleakfallow’s collaborators. The rest he already knew and so long as there were no more threats against his loved ones, he could handle it.

Magnus huffed and stood, heading for the kitchen, “Thank you, Isabelle, for letting us know. That’s one more thing off Alexander’s plate but I am declaring a moratorium on business for the rest of this movie night. Does anyone want to help with snacks?”

Jace bounced upright, dancing away from Izzy swiping at his legs, “I got it. Clary should be here in a few, I told her to just come in.”

“Of course you did.” Alec scoffed. By the way that Jace winked at him, he knew his affection for Clary was obvious.

Izzy rolled to her side and smirked at Alec, “So...how’re things?”

He groaned and watched her grin widen before giving into his nosy little sister.

“There’s popcorn in the-” Magnus started but Jace was already pulling the cupboard open.

“I live here, remember?” Jace flashed him a grin and Magnus made a face. He meant it to be playfully disgruntled but suddenly Jace looked a lot more serious.

“Magnus, you know that I will go if-”

Magnus lifted a hand, “I said it before, you are welcome where Alexander is. I only...wonder what will happen when we move to Idris in two weeks.”

Jace bit his lip. “I don’t know yet? I want to stay in New York but Alec is still a part of me.” Jace nudged Magnus, “And I don’t want to get in your way too much more.”

Magnus laughed, resuming his snack gathering easily, “I’m sure we can sort out a schedule.”

Jace sputtered and Magnus had to stop himself from laughing again, “Not for Alec and I’s...private time. For you to split between New York and home.”

“Home.” Jace repeated and Magnus reached blindly behind him to pat Jace’s arm, “You’re a much more tolerable housemate when you aren’t parading half of the eligible women in New York through the place.”

“Magnus, that’s...you don’t…” Jace took an audible breath behind him and Magnus decided to just snap the various candies to the living room. He faced the blonde calmly, watching Jace try to find the words he wanted.

“I told Alexander, and I thought you knew, you are always welcome here. All of you are but you are a part of his soul and,” Magnus let a spark of his magic touch where he’d Marked Jace, “you are my family too.”

“Crashing here sometimes or showing up an being obnoxious,” Magnus raised a brow at that and Jace rolled his eyes, “sometimes aren’t the same as living with you.”

“No. It’s not, but if it’s what you want and what you both need, I can add the space we might need and we can work it out.” Magnus patted his arm, “You Shadowhunters are a communal bunch and I fully expected to have to share Alec with the institute if we lived together here. As it is, we'll probably take over a floor of a building in Alicante that’s shared housing.”

Jace finally grabbed the popcorn, “Thank you.”

“Of course. Now let’s get back to the party, especially since I think-yes- Clary is coming up.”

Magnus found himself spending more time with his plants over the next few days. His dreams were still circling the drain of his time in Edom but with the new addition of time. He kept dreaming that he didn’t return to New York until Alec was much older, just in time to watch their family die.

He didn’t want to bring up the immortality issue again, not with how they’d finally managed to gain a modicum of peace. Spending time with everyone though had really made it sink in the other night.

One day it would be him and Simon left to think about the others and Magnus...Magnus was tired of always having to lose. He needed to talk to Alec and maybe it would clear the last big talk between them before they could properly start again.

It struck him, as he finished with the plants, that maybe he was moving too fast. They had come together again less than a full month before and yet…

Alexander was his soulmate.

He swallowed against the thought, though it settled with a rightness in his bones. He tugged his yellow sleeves down, blue sparks chasing any residual dirt away, and went to find Alec.

His lover was in the apothecary, quietly perusing the shelves and Magnus smiled at the sight. Alec had taken a singular interest in potion making lately and Magnus had agreed he was welcome everywhere in the loft so long as he didn’t start mixing anything without Magnus around.

“Alexander."

“Hey.” He came straight to Magnus and kissed him quickly, “You alright?”

Magnus made a wavering motion with his hands and pushed off the doorframe he’d paused against, “Still having some unpleasant dreams.”

Alec knew that, he’d quietly held Magnus that morning.

“I-I don’t want to make an issue between us but there’s something on my mind, darling.”

Immediately Alec was focused and Magnus shifted under the weight of his gaze.

“It’s just, I can’t shake the thought that I might’ve come back from Edom years and years from now.” Magnus paused, unsure how to explain his fear, his shame at what he wanted, but Alec was faster.

“When I’d would’ve been dead.”

Magnus flinched and moved to his work table, letting his ringed fingers roam, straightening and just shifting things as he tried not to let Alec see how much this conversation could hurt him.

“Yes. I told you already, I’ll love you forever but-”

Alec stepped in close behind him, catching his hands and pinning him, loosely, in place.

“And I told you I wasn’t going to leave you again. I meant that Magnus. I don’t know what the options are yet, but at the very least Simon is willing to talk about changing me and if he doesn’t think he can we have time to sort out another vampire as a last resort. I want to be Inquisitor for a while first though, there are things that need done.”

Magnus stared at the table in front of him in shock. Here he’d been trying to work up to this, afraid to admit to himself that it was even what he wanted, and Alec already had plans. He leaned heavily back, letting Alec take his weight and trusting that he would.

“You’ve already thought about this.”

Alec hummed, “I’ve had the time. You’re not the only one who tormented himself with what if’s and memories of how things ended. I knew that if I’d had the choice to do things over again, I’d never have let you go, ever.”

“But, Alexander, a vampire is-”

Alec squeezed him, “I know.”

Magnus twisted to look up at him, the shock wearing off and leaving wild joy and he grinned, “I was going to say a perfect fit. You’ve already got the perfect brooding face darling and Anne Rice would adore your passion and your self-sacrifice.”

Magnus expected Alec to frown at the name but was delighted to find him blushing instead, “I am not Rice vampire material.”

Delighted, Magnus pressed a kiss to the side of Alec’s jaw, ignoring the way the table dug into his hip at the move, “You’d have staked Lestat early on, at the least.”

Alec shook his head, “This isn’t the point. Is...are vampires the only real option?”

“Oh darling,” Magnus let his magic flare to life, not bothering to curb it, the apothecary filling with the burnt sugar smell and electric feeling of the blue flames rolling over them both, “Haven’t you heard? There’s a very powerful man ready to give you the world.”

Alec grinned, “Only after I make it a little kinder to him first.”

Part thirteen

#Malec #Malec Fanfiction #Shadowhunters #magnus Bane #Alec Lightwood #Jace wayland #All I want 12 #All I want

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anakirui · 11 days

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hot take ??

the only reason people say that "mafuyu and tsukasa have nothing in common" when presented with mafukasa parallels is because they equate mafuyu and tsukasa being similar to "tsukasa has depression" because the fandom equates mafuyu's personality to being depressed and nothing else.

it doesn't help that people (primarily younger people in the fandom) who DO believe in mafukasa parallels end up making the mistake of portraying tsukasa as depressed because as of right now he is not (although it's possible he was in past because of his Very Unclear Middle School Backstory but that's irrelevant)

anyways, mafuyu and tsukasa are narrative foils because their core personalities are built off of the concept of wanting to make the people around them— especially their families— happy.

they both developed personalities at a young age based on someone they looked up to. for tsukasa, it was seiichi amami's performance that inspired him to be a star— a hero that could cheer anyone up. for mafuyu, it was her mother taking care of her that inspired her to be a nurse— and you can see the similarities from there.

for mafuyu, her identity would first come into conflict when her mother expressed her want for mafuyu to be a doctor— suddenly, "everyone's" happiness didn't match what she wanted to do, leaving her in a state of disorder and eventual depression.

for tsukasa, his identity was something he nearly forgot in its entirety at the start of the main story— becoming arrogant and fully absorbed in a hero persona, forgetting the kind person he truly is. furthermore, his current character arc seems to be foreshadowing that what "being a star" to him is going to be called into question— maybe it is something more than just being the main character that saves everyone.

their insecurities are incredibly similar.

in mafuyu's first mixed, mafuyu feels insecure towards ichika because unlike ichika, she feels as if her lyrics have no genuine meaning to be expressed to other people— despite them being her very real feelings. this is brought up again in her second mixed as well.

in tsukasa's third focus event, something similar happens. when watching seiichi's performance, he thinks that his acting is "real" and feels inferior towards him, which is ironic because tsukasa has been method acting this whole time. when tsukasa is acting out rio or bartlett or really anyone at this point in the story, it's not just those characters— it's a reflection of his traumas.

just like mafuyu, tsukasa undermines his passions he's poured his feelings into because someone else's work is more genuine in his eyes.

now, then, foils have many similarities and parallels (and i could honestly list a lot more), but how i define them is that they usually have some kind of major branching difference that MAKES them foils.

for mafuyu and tsukasa it's pretty straightforward.

mafuyu's people pleasing behavior comes from external expectations and pressures— her mother's demands.

tsukasa's people pleasing behavior comes internally, from himself— if he can't meet his own standards, if he can't be the perfect big brother or the perfect star, then he is nothing.

and even then, there's some overlap.

tsukasa's behavior was indirectly encouraged by his mother praising him for being a "good big brother" over the phone instead of asking him if he was okay while home alone.

mafuyu's terrified to be herself around other people because she doesn't want to worry or bother them— she doesn't want to be a burden— and projects her mother's expectations onto them, not realizing that they would prefer the real mafuyu if they knew the truth.

and the concept of mafukasa being foils is most perfectly and blatantly portrayed in these two cards.

mafuyu, the marionette, sitting limp on the floor— puppeteered by her mother's demands and donning a mask to hide her true self.

tsukasa, the jester, standing above everything else— puppeteering silenced plushies— his feelings. he's not being completely honest with himself, and he doesn't even realize it.

mafuyu has cut her strings and ripped her mask in half. she has acknowledged her true feelings and expressed them to her mother, even if she had to run away in the end.

tsukasa has not yet cut his.