#ANYWAY! NUANCE!
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God I am so endlessly fascinated by the world of possible options we have for what Steve's parents are really like.
(And I am even more fascinated by how rigidly and firmly different fans insist that they have the One True Interpretation and everybody else must be wrong.)
#stranger things#look I will admit it#just about the only dynamic I DON'T find interesting#is Steve's parents being just flat-out Terrible People end of story#or Completely Absent At All Times#“not great tbh” encompasses such a wide range!#explore the range!#(this is where I admit I have four different full sets of Steve Parents who get pulled out depending on which fic I'm writing)#(and sometimes I think the most fascinating set are the ones who're Honestly Pretty Loving Parents)#(because then you have to ask the question of)#(okay)#(how does a kid with decent parents turn out so unspeakably lonely?)#(and that's interesting!)#(but also I love Judith from the platonic married fic to death)#ANYWAY! NUANCE!
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we'll do fine.
#fionna and cake spoilers#what hits me a little is how similar fionna and simon's stories are in the case of finding nuance in their lives#when both have gone through their separate but still valid pain no matter the extent it had been#and its that they met each other they get to see how it compares and they're no less worth of the peace and fun they dreamed of#even in the form of simplicity and just being normal#“i wouldn't have met THE fionna and cake” “we wouldn't have met THE simon petrikov”#it hits me harder that after the dandelion scene would've been their last time seeing each other physically#and how assuring simon sounded when fionna didn't know what to do with the literal world in her hands#tho im sure prismo isnt that much of a rule jerk lol i still drew out the revelation anyway with this tiniest addition#also the fact fionna's world is influenced by simon's thought processes and conditions so now things are a little better for both of them#fionna the human#fionna campbell#simon petrikov#qiiarts#the lil flashback of#betty grof#fionna and cake#adventure time
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Obsessed with characters who portray themselves as worse than they are. Who are lying to everyone including themselves about it. People generally assume if someone's lying about themselves they're trying to look better but sometimes they're trying to look worse. They attribute agency to where they had none, add intend to accidents, try to convince everyone that this is something they did instead of something that happened to them.
#this is about tenko bnha#but it is also about dahlia ace attorney#watch the nezumiVA videos on ace attorney trilogy they're great#anyway dahlia saying she (at like. 6 years old) apparently convinced her father to abandon her sister. hmmm#also everyone including herself thinking of her as the manipulator in control with terry when she was 14 dating a 20 y/o#anyway these characters both did do terrible things but feel the need to pile on more and remove nuance from where it exists#to convince themselves that this is what they really want. that they chose this.#it's about the loss of control it's about being a victim feeling worse than being a villain#at least if you were the bad guy you had autonomy#shimura tenko#shigaraki tomura#dahlia hawthorne
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[ID in ALT] I've made posts before about Talia/Dick co-parenting Damian moments (will never happen but let me dream) and this came to me in a vision. Took me ages to finish for some reason 😭 and then even longer to post
#dc comics#dc#damian wayne#dick grayson#talia al ghul#batfamily#dc robin#nightwing#anyway. yes im a self-indulgent ''dick as damians secret third parent'' truther#like i DO think it's way more complex and nuanced than the schmoopy affectionate fan portrayal of it#they're brothers they're father and son they're partners they're the dynamic duo except only in past tense etc etc#but consider! I'm not immune to schmoopy affection in fanworks. it compells me despite itself#anyway it's technically not that crazy when it comes to dick and damian. they hug! often! at least they did#it's not as big a leap to these types of scenarios#also talia ''somewhat absent for complex reasons on both her and damians part but very loving and loved by her son'' al ghul#you will always be famous to me#son of the demon origin...bwahhh#anyway. someone made a comic kind of like this/like a post i made abt this topic#but way funnier bc dick and talia starting trying to beat each other up#so go look at that as well#anyway. it's been a somewhat difficult few weeks so I'm. desperately trying to take it easy#i got some reading with me (first vol of kevin smiths GA run that i found second hand and jaimes BB run vol 2!)#so we'll see how far i get through those. considering there's demons in my head telling me to re-read things (LET ME OUT!!!)#when i finish GA and BB i do plan on rereading robin 2021. as a treat to myself#it's a run I've really warmed up to as time went on#I'm keeping up w/ the current b&r run even though it is. admittedly very slow w/ some weird dialogue#i read it for the damian content more than anything. also nikas back so that's neat :]#idk I have a feeling that after absolute power shakes out we might get some more creative team switch ups#so if anyone at dc is interested in taking over the reigns on b&r...that could be very neat#mine
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Too many jokes about Kaz becoming Wylan’s father figure. Not enough jokes about Wylan and Jesper adopting Kaz. Not in a child-parent way, but more of a feral cat way.
#i will not be going into the nuances of whether it’s right or wrong to make the first joke listed#if someone interprets the statement in a way they find offensive that’s more a reflection on the reader’s character than mine#but anyway#six of crows#kaz brekker#jesper fahey#wylan van eck#wylan hendriks
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you have to go to work so you can pay for your doctor, who is not taking your insurance right now, and if you say i can't afford the doctor's you are told - get a better job. it is very sad that you are unwell, yes, but maybe you should have thought about that before not having a better job.
(where is the better job? who is giving out these better jobs? you are sick, you are hurting - how the hell are you supposed to be well enough for this better job?)
but you go to the doctor because you had the nerve to be hurt or sick or whatever else. and they tell you that it is because you have anxiety. you try your best. you are a self-advocate. you've done the reading (which sometimes pisses them off worse, honestly). you say it is actually adding to my anxiety, it is effecting my quality of life. so they say that you are fat. they say that all young people have this happen to them, isn't it a medical marvel! they say that you should eat more vegetables. they say that you probably just need to lose a little more weight, and that you are faking it for attention.
(what attention could this doctor possibly give? what validation? that's their fucking job, isn't it?)
there is always a hypochondriac, right. someone always tells you about a hypochondriac. or someone who is unnecessarily aggressive during the worst days of their life. or someone looking "for a quick fix". or some idiot who wasn't educated about how to properly care for themselves who just abandons their treatment. and again, the hypochondriac, the overly-cautious hysteric. these people don't deserve to be treated like humans (right), and since you might be one of these people, you also don't get treated like a human. because those people can really fuck with the system, you now have to pay for it. and besides. you're actually probably faking it.
(more often than not, you find a 2:1 ratio of these stories. for every "hypochondriac", there are 2 people who knew something was wrong, and yet nobody could fucking find it. the story often ends with pointless suffering. the story often ends with and now it's too late, and it's going to kill me.)
you are actually just making excuses. someone else got that procedure or that diagnosis and he's fine, you should be fine too. someone else said they watched a documentary about other inspirational people with your exact same condition, maybe you should be inspirational, too. you're just too morbid. your pain and your experience is probably just not statistically concerning. it is all self-reported anyway, and you're just being a baby.
(once, while sitting down in the middle of making coffee, you had the sudden, horrible thought - i could kill myself to make the pain stop. you had to call your best friend after that. had to pet your dog. had to cry about it in the shower. you won't, but that moment - god, fuck. the pain just goes on and on.)
you know someone who went in for routine surgery and said i still feel everything. they told her to just relax. it took her kicking and screaming before they figured out she wasn't lying - the anesthetic drip hadn't been working. you know someone who went in for severe migraines who was told drink water and lose weight. you know someone who was actively bleeding out and throwing up in the ER and was told you're just having a bad period.
in the ER there are always these little posters saying things like "don't wait! get checked today!" and you think about how often you do wait. how often the days spool out. you once waited a full week before seeing the doctor for what you thought was a sprained wrist. it had actually been broken - they had to rebreak it to set it.
but you go into the doctor. the problem you're having is immediate. the person behind the counter frowns and says we're not taking your insurance. you will be paying for this out-of-pocket.
they send you home with tylenol and a little health packet about weight loss or anxiety or attention deficit. on the front it has your birthday and diagnosis. you think about crying, and the words swim. it might as well say go fuck yourself. it might as well say you're a fucking idiot. it might as well say light your money on fire and lie down in it. and the entire fucking time - the problem persists.
it's okay. it's okay, it's just another thing, you think. it's just another thing i have to learn to live with.
#spilled ink#warm up#can you tell what i'm mad about today specifically#i will say that there are a LOT of things that go into this. like a lot. this is ungendered and unspecific for a reason#it isn't just sexism. it's also racism. and ableism. and honestly classism.#and before a healthcare professional reads this as a personal attack: i understand ur burnt out#we are ALSO burnt out. your situation is also dire. this is not an attack on you.#this is a commentary on the incredible amounts of bigotry that lie at the heart of capitalism#where people have to pay money out of pocket to be told to fuck off.#your job is important. so is our humanity. and if you cannot accept that people are fucking mad as hell#at the industry - you are probably not listening .#anyway at some point im gonna write a piece about sexism specifically in medical shit#but i don't want terfs clowning in it bc they can't understand nuance#> it is true that ppl w/a uterus are more likely to experience medical malpractice & dismissal globally#> it is also true that trans people experience an equally fucked up and bad time in the medical field#> great news! the medical industrial complex is an equal opportunity life ruiner :)#(if you find it necessary to go into a debate about biology while discussing medical malpractice#i want to warn you that you're misunderstanding the issue. because guess what.#cis MEN might experience this. particularly black men. particularly disabled men.#so YES having a uterus can lead to more trouble for you. but this happens a LOT.#instead of fighting those ALSO experiencing your pain.... try working WITH them.#which btw. is like. actual feminism.)
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You'd expect the stern, analytical people-reader character to be cold and aloof, so Impostor authentically being a responsible and caring person is fun to me. Lookadisguy lovedisguy
#the ultimate imposter#ultimate imposter#Sdr2#Super danganronpa 2#Byakuya togami#Danganronpa#Byakuya twogami#Ryota mitarai#Yeah whatever I dont wanna tag em all#An art#ANYWAY! Impostor is interesting. They jump into people's lives but also try to better them#Maybe being an expert at people and their little nuances and quirks makes you that much more easily endeared and protective of them?
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i see all these comments talking about this after the new episode, but. i would like to state for the record that stolitz isn't. toxic.
first off, the concept of a toxic and a healthy relationship are such... vague terms. when you're online, drenched in language and tight moral boundaries, trying to put a nuanced story like helluva boss's into boxes is easy to attempt and impossible to do.
a toxic relationship is one where one or both parties is maliciously affecting the other. I'm talking fetid, nasty, rude interactions where there is more hurt than love. they're unhappy more often than not when they're with their partner, there's no respect or give from the other side.
stolitz is nothing like that.
Stolas actively cares about Blitz and actually has no fear or hesitation in ADMITTING IT OUT LOUD TO OZZIE. he has been calling, texting, commenting, laughing and finding ways to spend time with Blitz. he's throwing everything he has to the wind, finding the courage to move forward with the divorce, putting everything he has into trying to keep him. he's been alone in a palace since he was born, on medication, with such less people dear to him that he remembered the circus boy who spent a day with him DECADES ago- so when blitz comes into his life and brings back in laughter and color and sex, he's holding on with everything he's got.
and blitz does care!!! he cares a LOT, the whole series we see him falling in love with stolas through SHOW NOT TELL (his expressions, his choices, his fear, his lashing out) and utterly unable to process that stolas cares about him too when talking to fizz; almost a desperate kind of denial-
cause yknow. the first time he tried to confess something to someone he really liked, he accidentally killed half the people he knew and ruined the lives of the rest?
thats gonna leave just a teensy impact on the will to express your emotions in the future, methinks.
even before that, he clearly felt like on some level that he was unworthy and he's said twice that he despises himself for the accident even though it wasn't actually his fault. being self aware doesn't stop the emotions from emotioning.
he keeps insisting its only sex so urgently to anyone who doesn't ask because he can't even imagine it being anything else. he's both disappointed and relieved when he repeats that stolas sees him as a novelty, because what else can it be?
(there's a whole other spiel of how brave both Stolas and Blitz have to be to say it out loud even when asmodeus can't afford to, considering how publically and completely beaten down both were at the club.)
(there's also another whole spiel about how frustrating it has been for ME to see all these comments over time with such bad takes based on like,, 20 min worth of info of a show that takes months to release an ep. like godDAMN have some patience?? let the story UNFOLD MAYBE? IT WAS ALWAYS GOING TO HAVE AN EXPLANATION WHY WOULD YOU CRITICIZE THINGS THAT ARENT EVEN FINISHED ESPECIALLY AN INDIE ANIMATION- i digress)
mind you, this has NOTHING to do with abuse. an abusive relationship is one where one is actively harming the other with full awareness. Stella is an abuser and their marriage is abusive.
and stolitz isn't that; it isn't even unhealthy or toxic. it's a consensual, transactional fuckbuddy relationship that slid into something more for both of them.
but!!!!! one of the main reasons for the problems that everyone looks over is-
they're in a BDSM relationship.
I can't possibly delve into dynamics without making this a 10k research paper BUT even though we've gotten only hints and costumes and dialogue- they're very clearly and undeniably in a BDSM contract. Behind the scenes of this crazy show is a whole different story, of these two delving into the most hardcore kinks out there- knifeplay, painplay, bondage.
if you've gotten into the community, if you've read a couple dozen particularly good fics by authors who know what they're talking about, hell; even if your only experience is fifty shades or 365 or whatever- you gotta know that BDSM scenes are crazy fucking emotionally heavy. there's so much that has gone down between them during their full moons that helluva can't get into!!
but you know how in so many of these popular medias and fics, the dom in the relationship is also like,, the billionaire/mafia heir/prince, etc, the one with financial and physical power? this isnt that. it has been very clearly stated that stolas is subbing, blitz is domming.
now take a moment and think about how much that fucks up the dynamics.
in stolas' eyes, blitz is a confident, dangerous individual who's an old friend and cherished memory of his, who he's trusted wholly with his safety during sex and he's lucky to have; and he has been in an abusive arranged marriage for the past eighteen Years, he's probably not going to be pushing his luck with his dom that much in the first place. plus, blitz is never cowed by him during their conversations- think back to the first phone call right after he stole the book, completely unafraid.
and for blitz, it's someone trusting him again- but it's also a royal- a blue blood who's nearly untouchable and so much more powerful- who couldn't possibly like a piece of shit like him, apart from the sex he gets out of it. he only flirts once he gets some sort of cue from Stolas; he's desperately trying to view this as only a Goetia trying to get his rocks off, despite all the evidence to the contrary, because anything else is unfathomable to him, no matter how clearly Stolas shows it, because of the ptsd.
both of them thinks the other has the power. both of them aren't expecting the other to keep shut if something's bothering them.
and there's so much conflicting messages from the other too!
stolas calls him a plaything when trying to intimidate the humans; stolas cups his face gently and asks if he's alright
blitz asks him on a date and tells him to get better soon; blitz yells that it's only sex and doesn't reply to his messages
ya see?
bring it to fizzozzie for a second now; even though they do look all good on surface, you can still see fizz's trauma and doubt in all their interactions, they're still forced to keep the relationship secret. do you see his face when Ozzie says in hyperbole that he's never leaving the house again, or when someone accuses him of being a pampered house pet or when he got sexualized in the 7th ep? whatever happened in the interim between the accident with mammon, it fucked him UP. even though oz seems to be well aware of this when he tells him not to apologise and in their general interactions, fizz still visibly has trouble separating plaything/commodity from healthy relationship.
shout the fuck out to Ozzie btw, man knows whats UP. rooting for these two so much omg.
i forgot where I was going with this point, I'll edit it when i remember. but yeah! lovely fucking relationship, but damn what angst filled issues.
anyway, to sum up- stolitz is not a toxic relationship. the relationship is stuck sludging through misunderstandings and careless microaggressions and trauma responses, but it's not unhealthy or toxic because of the simple reason that most of the current hurt comes from... a misunderstanding. stolas didn't realise blitz would need reassurance about what they were and blitz didn't see stolas as someone who could get hurt.
unecessarily calling it toxic, even online, is more impactful than people think too. almost all spindlehorse ARE on all social medias; so MANY YouTube animators i know have found jobs there; they see your words, especially since a lot don't tag posts with "anti hb" correctly to keep them out of the main tag. there are Very few queer medias made BY queer people that haven't gone through heavy corporate revisions- helluva boss is practically a historical landmark in its success. it's very very very fucking easy to forget that not ten years ago some of the only queer videos on YouTube were butter lover (one kiss at the end post credits), dirty paws and welcome to hell (subtext).
the amount of "critical talk" helluva boss gets for what it is is very unprecedented. it's a beautiful show. can't wait for the next episode.
#helluva boss#stolas#blitz#stolitz#fizzarolli#helluva boss ozzie#okay im gonna make SO much content but i had to get this off my chest first#because so many people were like omg fizzozzie is so healthy stolitz take a lesson!!#and theres so much more nuance to it thats its so. frustrating to see a statement like that#meta#anyways#i love this fucjing show
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There's a fascinating double standard in a lot of the analysis of John's influence on the Nine Houses' society. Like, the role of cavaliers, the widespread commodification of the remains of the dead, these are all faults the Nine Houses have inherited directly from him. Fair enough. But the lack of gendered roles, the complete lack of male primogeniture, homophobia, or patriarchal family structures, these of course have nothing to do with John, who is definitely a misogynist.
edit: what I mean is that the stuff that makes it easy to hate John and frame him as a mustache twirling villain tends to be entirely credited to him, while complications to that narrative tend to fall by the wayside. this post has nothing to do with misandry and everything to do with craving nuance
#i have a lot of Thoughts on John's relationship to gender#and how deeply conflicted he is about it#none of which can be summarized by 'he's a misogynist'#anyway it really seems like things are only directly connected to John when they're used as proof of what a terrible villain he is#the lack of nuance....#not maintagging this one lads
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#naruto#uchiha itachi#chapter 139#damn nuances of grey.... didn't get a lot of that with izuna with doing mostly late chapters#anyway it's a lot of fun to edit#gonna enjoy looking at eyelashes too none of these earlier guys had any
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I’m still. Hung up on the fact that people think Idia is an incel. I think what’s fundamentally important to remember about him is that he is the biggest proponent of his own isolation. Incels believe they are unfairly ignored by/passed over by possible romantic partners, but Idia doesn’t really think that way. Like yes on his deepest levels he does want to connect with someone (I mean look at the media he consumes- he’s a massive romance and slice of life junkie) and have a normal life. But he’s firmly convinced that he can’t. He can’t cultivate face to face relationships because he thinks that ultimately it will be pointless; he can’t give somebody a life worth living because yk, he’s literally bound by blood to a life of isolation w this whole generational curse thing. Either that or they’ll just be generally put off by him and see him the way he sees himself. Whether it’s because he can’t or he shouldn’t, ultimately Idia is the one perpetuating his own isolation. He’s horrifically depressed and lonely, but he’s also agoraphobic. He finds himself gross and just generally considers himself a bad choice in partner. whether or not others agree is trivial. He doesn’t feel like anyone owes him a relationship because he doesn’t think he’s worth that trouble. And like yes he does think he’s smarter than everyone in a given room, but he doesn’t think he’s a better person. Like he literally all but states that numerous times. Idia knows he’s terrible, and tbh part of his problems come from his fear that he can’t change that and nihilistic complacency in his own misery. It’s like his internship offers kind of. He just deletes them because there’s no point in pursuing something that he just isn’t “made for”. He’s had enough bad luck as is, why try and defy fate. It’s actually really sad because he does seem to resent that part of himself even in his complacency, and he does think the whole thing is unfair, but like. He’s definitely not an incel ???
#anyway uhghggggghhhh I hate the incel Idia trope#that’s like. the opposite of what’s going on w his nuance#he’s a toxic gamer ik but he’s not like. a right winger or incel or misogynist#idia post （ ; ; ）<3#twst#idia shroud
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There have been times when I've created something in order to please other people. I had various reasons for doing that, but invariably that meant that I had to get most of my happiness from how those people reacted to what I'd made.
There have also been times when I've made something completely self-indulgent. When I've found an idea that is absolutely delightful to me, and I've turned that idea into something I can enjoy again and again. In those instances, I got my happiness from both the process of creation and from returning to the finished product to enjoy the result.
In some extremely fortunate cases, the things that I have made for myself have also prompted other people to respond to my creations, and that is when my happiness has verged on ecstasy: a wild rush of joy that carried me through dark times and propelled me to further acts of creation that I never would have achieved otherwise.
I can't expect that third scenario to be my default. There's no telling what other people will and won't enjoy, and honestly I don't always want to share the things I create. What I can control is how I spend my free time and what I do with my creative energy.
Sometimes I'll create for others. Sometimes I'll create for just me. And sometimes, when I'm lucky, the stars will align and those two audiences will want the same thing.
#thinky thoughts#write for yourself is a pithy phrase#that leads to some people feeling pithed off#and I get that#but I think that's partly because there's no nuance to it#anyway#this is just my own personal view of things#it might not apply all that broadly
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i love this one. btw. if you even care.
#no coherent thoughts just hhghhghjhfgmhghgh........#btw i didnt realize it but its been nearly EXACTLY 2 years since i first read utrh#bc i first watched the movie ~late august 2021 then read the book a few days later#and now i read it again <3 so i guess we can all start getting ready for my next reread in august 2025#anyways it hits even better now that i have a Nuanced Interpretation of the characters :)#during 'the son has not surpassed the father' scene i had to put the book down bc i got hit so hard with the urge to start ripping pages ou#so insane about this book it turns me into a rabid animal#jason todd#dc
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Okay but do you see how Jesper saying they're like brothers and Kaz saying yes doesn't have nearly the same level of drama as Kaz accidentally calling him his dead brother's name in an argument that ends with them trying to beat the shit out of each other
#like. where is the flavor???#the drama?? the cuntery????#the show just does not have the range for this#like the fact that they literally have 'we're like brothers and sometimes brothers fight' IN DIALOGUE because i guess its impossible to#have the audience understand the nuances of a relationship unless you verbally spell them out. garbage.#anyways the only good thing about this show is that its made me want to reread the books again#six of crows#shadow and bone#crooked kindgom#jesper fahey#kaz brekker
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if i had an evil wife id always wear a shirt that says i heart my evil wife and id carry her weapons and knives for her and move the suspiciously heavy locked trunk for her and would even manage to not hold her hand when shes in front of her evil peers and i would make her dinner and hope she would secretly poison my plate which i would willingly eat so she could feel good about pranking me and id spend my last living moments thinking woagh i love my evil wife i cant wait to be her hype ghost
#no more morally gray women. you call them evil anyways. i am ready for my no nuances evil wife.#ransom note
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you're grabbing lunch with a nice man and he gives you that strange grimace-smile that's popular right now; an almost sardonic "twist" of his mouth while he looks literally down on you. it looks like he practiced the move as he leans back, arms folded. he just finished reciting the details of NFTs to you and explaining Oppenheimer even though he only watched a youtube about it and hasn't actually seen it. you are at the bottom of your wine glass.
you ask the man across from you if he has siblings, desperately looking for a topic. literally anything else.
he says i don't like small talk. and then he smiles again, watching you.
a few years ago, you probably would have said you're above celebrity gossip, but honestly, you've been kind of enjoying the dumb shit of it these days. with the rest of the earth burning, there's something familiar and banal about dragging ariana grande through the mud. you think about jeanette mccurdy, who has often times gently warned the world she's not as nice as she appears. you liked i'm glad my mom died but it made you cry a lot.
he doesn't like small talk, figure out something to say.
you want to talk about responsibility, and how ariana grande is only like 6 days older than you are - which means she just turned 30 and still dresses and acts like a 13 year old, but like sexy. there's something in there about the whole thing - about insecurity, and never growing up, and being sexualized from a young age.
people have been saying that gay people are groomers. like, that's something that's come back into the public. you have even said yourself that it's just ... easier to date men sometimes. you would identify as whatever the opposite of "heteroflexible" is, but here you are again, across from a man. you like every woman, and 3 people on tv. and not this guy. but you're trying. your mother is worried about you. she thinks it's not okay you're single. and honestly this guy was better before you met, back when you were just texting.
wait, shit. are you doing the same thing as ariana grande? are you looking for male validation in order to appease some internalized promise of heteronormativity? do you conform to the idea that your happiness must result in heterosexuality? do you believe that you can resolve your internal loneliness by being accepted into the patriarchy? is there a reason dating men is easier? why are you so scared of fucking it up with women? why don't you reach out to more of them? you have a good sense of humor and a big ol' brain, you could have done a better job at online dating.
also. jesus christ. why can't you just get a drink with somebody without your internal feminism meter pinging. although - in your favor (and judgement aside) in the case of your ariana grande deposition: you have been in enough therapy you probably wouldn't date anyone who had just broken up with their wife of many years (and who has a young child). you'd be like - maybe take some personal time before you begin this journey. like, grande has been on broadway, you'd think she would have heard of the plot of hamlet.
he leans forward and taps two fingers to the table. "i'm not, like an andrew tate guy," he's saying, "but i do think partnership is about two people knowing their place. i like order."
you knew it was going to be hard. being non-straight in any particular way is like, always hard. these days you kind of like answering the question what's your sexuality? with a shrug and a smile - it's fine - is your most common response. like they asked you how your life is going and not to reveal your identity. you like not being straight. you like kissing girls. some days you know you're into men, and sometimes you're sitting across from a man, and you're thinking about the power of compulsory heterosexuality. are you into men, or are you just into the safety that comes from being seen with them? after all, everyone knows you're failing in life unless you have a husband. it almost feels like a gradebook - people see "straight married" as being "all A's", and anything else even vaguely noncompliant as being ... like you dropped out of the school system. you cannot just ignore years of that kind of conditioning, of course you like attention from men.
"so let's talk boundaries." he orders more wine for you, gesturing with one hand like he's rousing an orchestra. sir, this is a fucking chain restaurant. "I am not gonna date someone who still has male friends. also, i don't care about your little friends, i care about me. whatever stupid girls night things - those are lower priority. if i want you there, you're there."
he wasn't like this over text, right? you wouldn't have been even in the building if he was like this. you squint at him. in another version of yourself, you'd be running. you'd just get up and go. that's what happens on the internet - people get annoyed, and they just leave. you are locked in place, almost frozen. you need to go to the bathroom and text someone to call you so you have an excuse, like it's rude to just-leave. like he already kind of owns you. rudeness implies a power paradigm, though. see, even your social anxiety allows the patriarchy to get to you.
you take a sip of the new glass of wine. maybe this will be a funny story. maybe you can write about it on your blog. maybe you can meet ariana grande and ask her if she just maybe needs to take some time to sit and think about her happiness and how she measures her own success.
is this settling down? is this all that's left in your dating pool? just accepting that someone will eventually love you, and you have to stop being picky about who "makes" you a wife?
you look down to your hand, clutching the knife.
#writeblr#this is a mashup of like 3 dates i accidentally went on lol#by that i mean that i was out with a woman on a date in 2 of these situations#and a man just. joined us. and we were too awkward to say anything while he tried to ''date'' me#& one was a longterm friend that i was like. you what????#like he's nice he's a doctor and my mom was SO happy she was like raquel think about it#''it's a perfect love story you grew up together and reconnected as adults and like the same things and he's friends with ur brother#and his sister is one of ur close friends!!!''#yes but alas. he is a boy . she only likes girls. can i make it any more obvious#anyway im tryna write about like the force of male attention being actually incredibly ingrained to women like we are SUPPOSED to like it#it's seen as the only important thing#even if ur gay#and it's a nuanced thing idk#and while rn i i.d. as lesbian#like .... it wouldn't be UNTRUE to say i am probably like ''cusp bisexual'' bc i CAN experience attraction to men bc like .#sexuality is fluid...#don't tell straight ppl tho bc they do not understand the concept that ppl don't necessarily need a solid everlasting label#they're like GET in the BOX#if ur gay & in boston i'm 30 and pretty please come kiss me.#(i usually only date older ppl sorry in advance tho)
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